Myrtle Rising

Some Enjoyable Reading Recommendations

13/12/2018

There's an excellent article on how to grow from life's disappointments, included major disappointments.

It's all connected to Parshat Miketz, but it's applicable all year around & can be found here:
Parshat Miketz: Learning Bitachon

You can also find the geshmak davar Torah for Parshat Vayigash here:
Parshat Vayigash: That Fearful Moment

Now I just want to say that if you, like me, have a hard time reading divrei Torah online, please rest assured that this article is very readable and enjoyable. Rav Avigdor Miller's drashas on Parshat Hashavua are a wonderful exception for me because for some reason, I find them very easy and enjoyable to read online.

Anyway, there's some really good advice and life lessons in there & I hope you'll enjoy it.

(You can also print it out as a PDF to enjoy on Shabbat.)

View of the Kinneret

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How Guarding Your Tongue Brings Blessing

12/12/2018

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There was an acquaintance I knew for 4 years—and during that entire time, I never knew she was separated and then divorced. (This also says wonderful things about that community, by the way, that people didn’t gossip.)

I ran into her at the supermarket, on the bus, at the park with her children—and she was always sweet, friendly, and cheerful with nary a bad thing to say about anyone.

Needless to say, if a separated or divorced woman needs help, she should be able to ask for it and receive it. Also, there’s no problem with mentioning your marital status, whether it’s divorced, widowed, married, or single.

My point is that she never said a word against her ex-husband nor her in-laws, including after they were divorced. And I’m sure she must have had what to say. Marital problems are incredibly painful.

But as the halacha tells us: If there is no halachically permitted to’elet (beneficial purpose) to lashon hara, it’s forbidden to say it.

Later, she remarried to a good man with children of his own. Because her family size suddenly doubled, life got busier and more stressful, but she seemed happy. The marriage seems good.

What I also found both unusual and heartening is how the stepchildren get along together. Some even became best friends, share clothes, and walk arm in arm together. You’d think they were twins, but they are step-siblings. Obviously, both she and her second husband must have been good parents as single parents and apparently continue to be good parents together.

But I can’t help thinking that guarding her tongue & maintaining a good mood & good middot in what must have been a very trying situation brought her a lot of bracha.

Shemirat Halashon Helped Other Things Too

In another situation, a couple with several children separated. The woman wasn’t a bad person at all, but nor did she have the most appealing personality.

Yet throughout the separation, she refused to say one word against her husband. Even when prodded, she either kept her silence or said something brief in his defense.

She also didn’t play around with lashon hara by dissing him under the guise of “merely” commenting or joking about male generalities and stereotypes.

As time went on, admiration for her grew.

Even people who hadn’t liked her much before developed a high regard for her because of her integrity during the separation. Eventually, she and her husband got back together and stayed together. She also found herself better-liked than before.

Just to emphasize: Her personality didn’t change from the time of separation to the time of reunification. People who didn’t like her so much before suddenly liked her a lot now SOLELY because of the integrity she displayed during the separation.

All in all, a win-win situation—all because she guarded her tongue so carefully.

No Guarantees in This World

The above are in very strong contrast to yesterday’s post, in which a very well-meaning community involved itself in the details of each other’s shalom bayis problems (which means engaging in copious unnecessary lashon hara)—which not only didn’t alleviate any problems, but didn’t prevent numerous divorces either.

Does guarding your tongue always work out so nicely?

Or does indulging in continuous lashon hara always backfire?

No.

I think we all know people who slander their spouse (or ex-spouse), their boss, their co-workers, their parents, their in-laws, their children, their siblings, etc. and it doesn’t seem to hurt them. On the contrary, maybe they even do it in such a way that garners them lots of sympathy.

Likewise, there are people very careful to guard their tongue, and they don’t get the benefit of the doubt or the support they need.

The simplistic explanation is that the sinning person gets his reward in This World for the good he has done while punishment awaits him in the Next.

In contrast, there is also the concept of tzaddik v’ra lo—Hashem stores all the reward for a good person in the Next World and allows that good person to experience their atonement in This World.

There are also very deep and complex reasons having to do with past lives and other stuff to which I’m not privy, but trust that Hashem knows exactly what He is doing.

The Lashon Hara Deception

But in general, everyone I know who regularly talks or writes lashon hara about people do not experience relief from their problems.

This includes people dealing with genuinely difficult and dysfunctional people. Sometimes, the pain simply leaks out—and who can blame them? There’s definitely room for compassion here.

But over time, I saw that it just doesn’t help. There’s temporary relief and nothing more than that.

You see people who write about this family member and that neighbor—using real names!—and things never improve or only get worse (which gives them a lots of fodder for future columns, I guess).

And how many times have you sat through a shalom bayis class in which the rebbetzin disparages her husband (with humor, of course) under the guise of talking about normal male-female differences in marriage?

Notice that her marriage never improves and she rarely holds up her husband as a good example.

And people who truly suffer in their marriage or family don’t really find resolution in dropping lots of sarcastic comments about their nemesis or even continuously pouring their heart out to friends and a string of therapists.

Please notice that as long as they keep doing that, their situation stays the same or even worsens.

I could give several real-life examples of people who simply could not stop themselves from badmouthing their in-laws and spouse.

Some were quite justified in their complaints (like in the case of emotional or verbal abuse) while others merely imagined they were justified.

Regardless, nothing good or healing ultimately came out of it.

But because yesterday’s post was full of negative examples, I want to stick with positive examples in today’s post.

So I’ll just say this:

The exception to the above ended up being those who initially complained about their spouse, in-laws, parents, neighbors, etc.—and then stopped.

Whether justified or not, they stopped.

Those who stopped the understandable but ultimately forbidden lashon hara and instead turned just to prayer and gratitude to Hashem often saw an improvement in their situation.

An Admittedly Extreme Anecdote

In another situation, a woman was attacked by her husband in an unexpected psychotic episode.

Yet she wouldn’t say a bad word about him.

Instead when she did speak of him, she spoke with great sympathy (not fake sympathy to make herself look good, but genuine sympathy and love) and I was happily surprised at how much automatic support she immediately got throughout her ordeal.

For example, a “rabbi” I know to be an uncaring person (though he pretends otherwise) and an emotionally abusive husband himself immediately gave her good help to speed things along. Almost automatically, she found the attention of some powerful rabbis (who are good caring people) and got her get within a couple of months with almost no hassle.

She also received solid community support and sympathy.

Now, her response is pretty extreme and I'm not sure it can be or should be emulated.-

Literally, I'm not sure.

I certainly would not be loving or sympathetic in the same situation, chas v’shalom. And I would never expect anyone else to respond that way either. No way.

But she’s a very sweet, sincere, and sympathetic person by nature, so all someone like me can do is stand by and admit that her way has its merits—even if I could never respond that way myself and even if I wouldn’t want to respond with such sweetness and love myself. Really, it’s very extreme.

But I can’t deny that things certainly worked out unusually well for her afterwards.

And this is basically how the Pele Yoetz says to behave.

Turning Ideas into Action

So tachlis: How do you deal with difficult people in life?

You just don’t say anything unless there’s a clear halachic to’elet for doing so.

Hopefully, you’ll experience blessing in this world for guarding your tongue—and many do.

But the Pele Yoetz emphasizes that it’s the Next World that counts.

He clearly states several times that guarding your tongue from revealing the faults—and going so far as to praise to others--of specifically your spouse, parents-in-law, and children-in-law reap great reward in the Next World...even (or especially) if these people are genuinely dysfunctional and your complaints are perfectly justified.

He says that in the case of children- or parents-in-law, you often will see the fruits of your silence (and praise) in this world via your own children or grandchildren.

But as he says to the husband who’s married to a wicked wife, if you treat her badly and get angry at her and slander her, then you simply get Gehinnom in both This World and the Next.

Pretty strong mussar if you ask me!

But again, he’s only saying this because he wants to truly help us and he wants what’s truly good for us.

And the only true good is Eternal Life in the World to Come.

It’s hard to always remember & actualize this, but any step we take in this direction is very, very good.

A Secretly Fragmented "Family" - All because of Lashon Hara?

11/12/2018

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I once got to know a certain community that prided itself on its close-knit support.

“Our children know they’ve got extended family through our community,” they explained. “All the adults are known as their aunts and uncles. We always pitch in for each other’s simchas and crises.”

Whether a family experienced sickness, birth, divorce, moving, or any other life upheaval, they received the full support of the community. And it really was heartwarming to see how they would pitch in to help—and give real help—without even being asked.

Many were committed to a kollel lifestyle—or at least a partial kollel lifestyle. Many didn’t have a computer or if they did, it really was for work and the children had no access to it.

So it was a community with a serious commitment to Torah and chessed. Very nice!

The Snake Slithering through Gan Eden

But I admit I was uncomfortable with the way they talked about each other. Very warm and accepting, you pretty quickly got an earful of what was going on with different members of the oh-so familial community.

Furthermore, they weren't always so nice to each other or talk about each other's kids so nicely.

For example, one of the teenagers clearly suffered some form of mental retardation. And she was a nice and friendly person too.

Yet the other girls her age responded stiffly or rudely to her when she approached them to chat. And the minute her back was turned, they doubled over with repressed laughter, their hands clutched over their mouths and exchanging looks with each other that clearly said, Omigosh—such a freak! Right?

Of course, people can be very uncomfortable around those with special needs. It’s pretty normal to be stiff or awkward when you aren’t used to them.

But these girls had all grown up together and were family, right? Also, you’d think their parents had spoken to them over the years about how to behave with this very nice yet mentally challenged girl.

Yet they didn’t seem to know how to behave and they didn’t seem very compassionate either. Where was the unity and warmth?

And yes, I realize that people like to dismiss such behavior as “Teenagers!” But I’ve seen so many teenage girls behave with sensitivity and refinement in so many different situations to know the difference between youth and a display of poor middot.

Anyway, there were several things like that. That’s just one example.

We are (a Fragmented) Family

But what really took me by surprise was the divorce rate in this seemingly lovey-dovey community. Some couples divorced early on in the marriage, but others got fed up after 12-20 years of marriage and 5-7 children.

What a strange thing to happen when there is such much support and so much “We are family!” feeling...

Some people who noticed this high divorce rate remarked that the community didn’t have a firm hashkafah and therefore lacked the stability a firm hashkafah gives. And that can be true. And the rav to whom they were wholeheartedly committed lived in a faraway city, so he wasn't right there with them, which can be a problem.

But to this extent?

No, it didn't make sense that hashkafah or the rav's location were the major factors in the high rate of shalom bayis issues.

What came out over time was how involved they were in each other’s personal lives. They knew so much of each other’s marriages. Open discussions took place with each spouse facing an entire community of shalom bayit advisers.

This is a problem because the halachot of lashon hara do not allow this at all.

Both spouses openly discussed their issues with—well, everybody.

So everyone knew all the dirt on everyone else.

And some of the couples were getting divorced over problems that were indeed problems, but not the kind of thing you’d necessarily get divorced over. And not problematic enough to divorce in your son’s bar mitzvah year (as happened in one case).

Revenge & Abandonment

The other thing was the antagonism of the divorcing wives toward their husbands.

It was like there was all this repressed resentment and anger suddenly bubbling to the surface.

By the way, I’ve known women who’ve gotten divorced from verbally or emotionally abusive husbands and these women just want him OUT. They never want to see, speak, or deal with him again.

That’s normal, as far as I can tell.

And in this community, many of the women were very angry at their husbands. And yes, some for good reason.

But one even developed an elaborate plan of how she was going to torment her husband via the court system after their divorce. She wanted to milk him for all he was worth—which puzzled everyone else because he’d been in kollel the entire time and had no money of his own. So what was she trying to do? It was obviously pure animosity on her part because there was nothing there to milk.

Yet that elaborate plan of vengeance didn't seem like a normal reaction. Like I said, most suffering wives want him out of their lives; they don't want to keep up after him with all sorts of nasty plots.

Also, while she had a lot to complain about him, he didn’t have much to complain about her. In fact, he even justified her complaints about him. (He wasn’t very communicative within the marriage.) But admitted that he wasn’t sure how to be more communicative with his wife. He said that he just froze up when dealing with her—something he didn’t do with other people and he honestly didn’t know why nor how to solve the problem.

Fortunately, Hashem put a stop to the wife’s plans for revenge by causing her to remarry within months after the divorce and then having that marriage go on the rocks, which between that and dealing with her kids and the stepkids, absorbed her too much to carry out revenge.

Her ex-husband kept quietly about his business and within a year, was remarried to a very nice divorcee with her own home, several young children, her ex-husband totally out of the picture—a very nice woman who wanted nothing more than to support a husband in learning.

And she was fine with the fact that he was quiet as long as he was nice (which he was).

Other women just picked up the kids and went back to Europe or North America, stranding their Israeli husband as an older and suddenly childless bachelor.

In one case, I think he deserved to be abandoned because he’d consistently made poor decisions to the detriment of their children (among other stuff)—and he refused to improve.

But in another case, it seemed more vindictive--especially when she came back after a few years to dump the child on the ex-husband and go back to her life (and new marriage) in chutz l'Aretz. (Fortunately, the ex-husband was very happy to have his child back in his life again, even though the adjustment was a challenge.)

So you had avenging or abandoning wives in situations that didn't seem to really call for such measures. (Although like I said, it seems that at least one husband deserved to be abandoned.)

What are the Real Laws of Love & Honor?

But the point is that this community perceives itself as oh-so close and supportive.

Yet just under the surface, there are a lot of shalom bayit problems. (And not all those suffering unhappy marriages get divorced.)

So the community has support and unity (at least on the surface), but the actual married couples don't?

Weird.

I can’t help thinking that with all the emphasis halacha places on respecting one’s spouse and not exposing the flaws of family members—especially family members that halacha obligates us to honor, such as parents, parents-in-law, and our spouse—that this well-meaning community is blocking itself from blessing.

We know that refraining from lashon hara earns us unimaginable light in worlds we cannot see. But we also know that indulging in lashon hara brings about the opposite: terrible din.

It was really the Pele Yoetz that brought the severity of this to my attention.

Despite modern society’s penchant for joking around about one’s husband or wife or in-laws, the Pele Yoetz strongly opposes any kind of negative comment about people you’re commanded to honor.

Today, it’s amazing how much dirt people spill about their spouse while chalking it up to “normal” masculine or feminine behavior—as if that makes exposing it okay.

People do the same about their in-laws—again, downplaying their lashon hara as talking generally about normal tensions with in-laws.

But the Pele Yoetz exhorts us to do the opposite.

He says we should davka cover up the flaws of our spouses and in-laws (both parents-in-law and children-in-law) and praise them to others.

Why? Not because we are big fake liars, but because that is the proper thing to do according to him.

Let’s look at what other truly great people say about all this:

Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender explains in Words of Faith, page 376 (emphasis mine):

"Meaning that the tikkun of sin is only through confessing before Hashem Yisbarach or the true Tzaddik. For few are those who are able to hear confess without it causing the confessor to be discouraged."

This means there is no tikkun in talking about your problems to others. Yes, it's permissible at times. But if you want to actually be fixed, you need to turn to the Original Source of your flaws and problems.

Rav Bender further advises (page 373):

"Know this: To join a friend in personal matters, especially in sins and iniquities, does much damage."

That's for the listener. Unless there's a real halachic to'elet (beneficial purpose) to listening, hearing out another's personal stuff and flaws "does real damage."

And then on page 376, he cautions listeners against "digging after mistakes, even if you mean well." He advises such well-intentioned listeners:

"In practice: Do not desire to know another's personal matters for it is only the work of the yetzer and his seductions. And it is the complete opposite of why friends bond."

Oho!

And in a nutshell, that explains why this seemingly close-knit community wasn’t actually close at all: “…it is the complete opposite of why friends bond” and "the work of the yetzer."

Oops!

In efforts to help each other and figure out what people needed to do to improve their situations, they ended up joining "a friend in personal matters" and "digging after mistakes."

And this is a very easy mistake for a well-meaning & compassionate person to make.

How would we know without Rav Bender to lay it out for us?

On page 4 of The Laws of Interpersonal Relationships: Practical Applications in Business, Home, and Society, Rav Ehrman elucidates the mitzvah to love one’s fellow by the following principles (culled from the Ramban, Shaar Hatevunah, Shemirat Halashon, and the Gemara)

Speak only in a positive manner about others.
Show the same concern for their honor as your own.
Camouflage their flaws in same way you’d want them to camouflage your own flaws.
Be as protective of their money and property as you are of your own.
Assist them to the best of your ability (emotional, financial, and physical support whether large or small)
Try to diffuse a person’s anger at another.

Dissecting your spouse’s flaws with an entire community (or inserting them into casual conversation with friends or relatives) obviously violates the above precepts, especially the first three.

Having said all that, if your spouse is awful in some way and you need outside help, then halacha allows you to get it. Just as one example: The Pele Yoetz praised as “a great mitzvah” the act of assisting a Jewish woman married to a “snake” to get divorced if she wanted.

It’s admittedly to difficult to observe the above principles because our society deems acceptable the mentioning the flaws of people we’re obligated to honor and love—as long as we do it humorously or we hide behind the veneer of gender stereotypes or in-law stereotypes.

Look, I didn’t know it either until I read the above books.

Live and learn, eh?

So hopefully, we’ll all keep learning and improving—and be the kinds of Jews defined by Chazal and not by society.

Me, too.

May we all succeed in living up to the dictates of the Torah.

Related Posts:
The Real Purpose of a Home & Family
The Best Marriage Counseling: Tefillah, Teshuvah, and Tzedakah
The Pele Yoetz on Family Relationships: When Honesty Stops being a Virtue, Part II

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UPDATED: Please Daven for the Recent Terror Survivors

10/12/2018

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UPDATE #2: Tragically, as many of you likely already know, the little baby passed away. Please continue to daven for Shira Yael bat Liora Sara and her husband Amichai Yishai ben Feiga Gitel Galila.

Thank you very much to caring reader, Hava, for this update and for letting me know that the father still needs davening & for providing his name.

UPDATE 1: Thank you to the caring reader who sent me the correct names for davening. Also, I see they're referring to the baby as rach hanolad (newborn) and not tinok (baby). So the post has been updated as follows...

Please daven for Shira Yael bat Liora Sara, the formerly pregnant woman wounded in the terror attack in Ofra on the last night of Chanukah.

Also, please daven for her newly born baby, Rach Hanolad ben Shira Yael.

While the medical staff was able to deliver the baby prematurely, both he and his mommy are still in critical condition.

The baby has been given an especially harsh prognosis, but you don't need to believe it because prayer can change everything.

May they have a complete and speedy refuah among all the other ill Jews.

According to the Chida, the following Tehillim/Psalms can be helpful:
9 is good to say for a sick child.
22 is good for every kind of trouble (tzaar)
92 can help one merit seeing great miracles.
116 can save one from a strange death.
119:89-96 (lamed) sweetens or nullifies a negative judgment.
127 is good to say for a newborn.

Also, 119 is divided up according to Alef-Bet and there's an old tradition that it's very good for a sick person if you recite the sections according to their name.

In this case, you have:

שירה יעל בת ליאורה שרה

So you would recite the following:
119:161-168 (shin) ש
119:73-80 (yud) י
119:153-160 (reish) ר
119:33-40 (hei) ה
119:73-80 (yud) י
119:121-128 (ayin) ע
119:89-96 (lamed) ל
119:9-16 (bet) ב
119:169-176 (taf) ת
119:89-96 (lamed) ל
119:73-80 (yud) י
119:1-8 (alef) א
119:41-48 (vav) ו
119:153-160 (reish) ר
119:33-40 (hei) ה
119:161-168 (shin) ש
119:153-160 (reish) ר
119:33-40 (hei) ה

And do likewise for Rach Hanolad ben Shira Yael:
רך הנולד בן שירה יעל

119:153-160 (reish) ר
119:81-88 (kaf) כ
119:33-40 (hei) ה
119:105-112 (nun) נ
119:41-48 (vav) ו
119:89-96 (lamed) ל
119:25-32 (dalet) ד
119:9-16 (bet) ב
119:105-112 (nun) נ
119:161-168 (shin) ש
119:73-80 (yud) י
119:153-160 (reish) ר
119:33-40 (hei) ה
119:73-80 (yud) י
119:121-128 (ayin) ע
119:89-96 (lamed) ל

You can also go to the following site and type in the names in Hebrew and it will give you the sections you need from Tehillim 119 in the right order (instead of flipping around in your Tehillim book). You can print it out too:
tehillim-online.com/read-segula/psalm-119-by-the-name

There are other traditions for saying Tehillim by the letters of the ill person's name, but the above tradition is the one with which I'm most familiar.

Doctors Fight to Save Life of Expectant Mother After Shomron Terror Attack: Baby Saved; 6 Other Jews Wounded

Ofra Attack: Condition of Baby Deteriorates; Mother’s Condition Still Serious

May Hashem please bring Mashiach now in a sweet way.

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The Best Marriage Counseling: Tefillah, Teshuvah, Tzedakah

10/12/2018

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As we all know, there are socially acceptable forms of lashon hara.

Halacha forbids these types of lashon hara, but cognitive dissonance persuades us that it’s okay.

One form that personally tripped me up (and has tripped up a lot of well-meaning people) is thinking it’s okay to confide in a person or allow someone to confide in you under the impression that it’s l’to’elet (for a beneficial purpose) as it allows the speaker to purge pain from his or her heart, hopefully leading to forgiveness or yishuv hadaat or something beneficial like that.

This is a particularly tricky situation because if you’re the speaker, you’re likely in great pain and don’t mean to slander anyone, but simply cannot deal with the overwhelming anguish.

If you’re the listener, you certainly don’t want to add to the person’s pain. Your friend already feels invalidated and devastated—do you really want to make things worse by shutting your friend down?

Possibly, you’re also afraid of your friend not forgiving you or hating you for being holier-than-thou (in their eyes, anyway) and rejecting his or her needs in a time of overwhelming pain.

If we feel like Hashem is a Caring Listener Who Can & Wants to Help, we'll find that it's much more beneficial and halachically correct to pour out our pain to Hashem rather than another person.

But for many people, making the transition from a human confidant to the Divine Confidant presents a big challenge.

So what happens when we can't make the leap, even when halacha insists on it?

The Ongoing Chain of Confidants

Over time, I started to notice that pouring out my heart to someone became a coin-toss: Would they say the right thing or not? Would I feel better...or worse after having made myself so emotionally vulnerable?

And then it’s easy to get into the cycle of needing to turn to yet another confidant after the previous confidant responded incorrectly (or simply not satisfyingly enough)—in addition to the initial need to vent about the situation that upset you in the first place.

On the listener’s side, I slowly began to notice that not only was I not the person’s only confidant (a prerequisite of lashon hara l’to’elet), but I was even one in a long chain (or small group) of confidants.

For long-standing relationship problems with someone unavoidable (a spouse, sibling, parent, parent-in-law, co-worker, neighbor, etc.), the chain of lashon hara seemingly l’to’elet became an unintentional pattern.

Friends, relatives, rabbis, rebbetzins, advisers, and therapists—ultimately, no one could ever help the sufferer enough.

One friend of mine even bragged to me that she’d been to every frum female therapist in Jerusalem and no one was able to help her. Maybe it validated her to know that her husband was so impossible. If he was such a hopeless case, then that absolved her of any responsibility in the marriage.

Frankly, I don’t think she visited every frum female therapist in Jerusalem, but she certainly made the rounds of friends, therapists, rabbanim, advisers, etc. And her husband is certainly so emotionally unhealthy, he is unlikely to ever became a decent husband or father.

However, all her outpouring never provided her with more than temporary relief.

Furthermore, it stopped her from doing the inner work she needed to do on herself (aside from her husband, she had flaws that needed fixing—just like the rest of us). She also didn’t invest in helping her children survive a dysfunctional home.

And unlike a lot of well-meaning people, I don’t automatically think that divorce is always possible or beneficial with an extremely dysfunctional spouse. (It depends.) Nor do I think that a mother is able to totally overcome the dysfunctional influence of the father (yet another well-meaning yet misleading fallacy) despite her best efforts.

But in that friend's case, one after another child has been developing a mental illness (with a couple of them even spending time in a mental hospital), suffering a divorce (or two), going off the derech, etc.

So while a mother can’t completely save her children from their father’s negative influence, she can still give it her best shot and, with Hashem’s Help, prevent them from suffering as much as this particular family is suffering.

In retrospect, as cold as this may sound, I feel like all of us who let her cry on our shoulders not only didn’t help, but may have even tripped her up. Had she had no confidant, she’d likely have turned to Hashem. In fact, I noticed that she loved saying Tehillim and the look on her face as she said Tehillim was very special and inspiring.

(Although to be honest, nowadays people who feel lost tend to turn to long-term medication & not prayer or middot work—although I’m sure that some people taking medication long-term also work on their middot and turn to Hashem in personal prayer.)

A major reason why no one was able to help her was because she wanted validation ONLY. She did not want to do the deeper work.

Compassion & Clarity

And I don’t automatically think badly of anyone who indulges in the lashon hara pattern described above. If they were talking about their spouse, all the people I knew were in genuine pain and enduring real suffering. They weren't trying to slander their spouse, but simply find relief for their pain.

(But in cases with a neighbor, an in-law, or an ex-spouse—or a soon-to-be-ex-spouse, there was sometimes an element of wanting to ruin their name, even if that motivation was not obvious. And sometimes the speaker herself wasn't aware of her underlying motivations.)

Also, not to be too graphic, but if the husband is very dysfunctional, then physical intimacy becomes something that destroys a woman on the nefesh-level. Women are more sensitive in that area and their nefesh-pain is very real.

But practically speaking, many people in very painful situations don’t observe the halachos of lashon hara l’toe’let.

And despite all the compassion and understanding of why they feel and respond as they do, I can’t help noticing that there’s no bracha for them in their outpourings.

Is It Worth It?

Recently, I read that marriage counseling often doesn’t help. The writer pointed out that nearly all divorced couples had been to a marriage therapist!

And that really got me thinking…

Every divorced couple I know (if I know their situation) has traipsed through the maze of shalom bayit advisers and therapy.

I once asked a marriage counselor about her track record. She was a very straight-forward person who had no problem admitting that while she had helped some couples, she'd lost track of the majority (meaning, she doesn’t know if they got divorced or worked things out or are still the same) or else they got divorced.

So the percentage of couples she'd actually helped achieve shalom bayis was small.

Furthermore, all the couples I know who aren’t divorced but aren’t happily married either ALSO traipsed through the maze of shalom bayit advisers and therapy—and they STILL haven’t achieved shalom bayit.

On the other hand, I knew someone who implied that she and her husband used to not get along so well, but they both (especially she) engaged in lots of prayer and intense middot work and now they get along much better. She seems to like her husband a lot now.

Hmm…

I asked my husband about this. (He knows a lot more people and different kinds of people than I do). After mulling it over, he realized that he doesn’t know one couple helped by therapy. And indeed, all the divorced couples he knew had been to therapy or some kind of couples counseling prior to their divorce in an effort to save their marriage.

This includes, by the way, people who regret the divorce later.

Meaning, maybe therapy can help people who really need to get divorced do so more peaceably. But why didn't it help people who ended up regretting their divorce?

Now, maybe you do know people for whom therapy saved their marriage. (After all, the therapist above noted that she had helped several couples.)

But how many?

Between the two of us, my husband and I couldn't even come up with one couple whose shalom bayis was in the merit of a therapist or adviser.

Just shalom bayis. Forget about divorce.

Between the 2 of us, do we know even one couple whose shalom bayis is due to therapy?

Basically, it seems that couples who get along do so on their own. And couples who don't aren't much helped (or helped at all) by outsiders.

Needless to say, there can be legitimate reasons for this. A truly dysfunctional spouse will usually not be helped by any kind of counseling. Abusive people are almost incurable. So the marriage either ends in divorce or just keeps straggling along with no resolution.

And any good therapist/shalom bayit adviser will tell you that they can’t perform magic; the results are really up to the people involved. How much are they willing to listen to constructive criticism? How much are they willing to work on themselves?

And if only one spouse is willing to do the work, while the other spouse refuses?

Sometimes divorce is the better option, sometimes it isn't. It depends.

Also, I don’t know what the prices are now, but back when many people I knew were going for marriage therapy, prices ran between 300NIS-700NIS a session. You could easily fork over your entire month’s salary to a therapist.

And should you? What if the result is simply to discover that your spouse suffers a personality disorder or something else that can't be helped? What if you discover that your only choices are to either continue in an unhappy marriage or to go through a stressful divorce with all that follows in sharing child custody, remarriage, and so on?

Is the investment of 1000s of shekels worth it?

Now, maybe it IS worth it. If it's worth 1000s of shekels, then it's worth 1000s of shekels! Fine & good.

But what if it's not? (And for many people, it seems like it's not.)

Teshuvah, Tefillah, Tzedakah

Very gradually, I started to realize that if you’re desperate enough to fork over that much money, best give it to a genuinely needy Jew or organization and ask Hashem that in this zechut, He should help you have a good relationship with your spouse/relative/co-worker/boss/neighbor.

In addition, talk over your middot and your pain with Hashem. After all, He is the Source of it all. Human beings have blind spots. Your therapist/adviser could easily miss something important or say the wrong thing or offer the wrong guidance.

And the big thing? Toxic shame.

How many times have you heard someone rant over something their therapist or adviser said while you’re biting your lip and thinking, "But it’s kind of TRUE. You DO need to work on that"?

Yeah, sometimes they're ranting because the therapist or adviser was SO wrong and SO off.

But sometimes they're ranting because the constructive criticism hit too close to home--and they don't realize it because toxic shame blinds them to their underlying motivation or flaw.

Yet with Hashem, all you’re doing is saying, “You gave me this ugly middah. You gave me this destructive behavior. It’s from You! Please take it back because I sure as heck don’t want it!”

With Hashem, there’s no need for toxic shame because your bad middot and behaviors don’t reflect on the Real You at your neshamah level—Hashem gave you those tendencies.

Whether He plugged them into your inborn nature or you developed them from your God-given life experiences, Hashem caused all that to happen.

He already knows the truth about you, so you’ve nothing to hide.

And getting back to the original point:
If you really do need to pour out your heart (or listen to someone pour out their heart), then it’s important to be aware of the actual halacha.

(I’m cringing a bit as I write this because it’s so hard when someone is in a lot of pain to even attempt to enforce halachic boundaries—no matter how gently and compassionately you do so. But if you know that you’re not their only confidant and you know that you’re not more than a temporary relief—or maybe you’re even a crutch that they’re unconsciously using instead of turning to Hashem--well then…)

Related posts:
Listening to Lashon Hara to Calm a Spouse (Hamodia)
Can I Vent My Pain to My Sister? (Hamodia)
Emuna: The Only Choice (Dr. Zev Ballen)
The Pele Yoetz on Talking about Various Family Members
Our Latest Research Indicates that Everything We've Been Promoting Based on Our Latest Research...is Wrong!
Insights into Lashon Hara about Yourself
How to Speak or Listen to the Lashon Hara of Hurt Feelings

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Prayer Gathering for 8th Night of Chanukah

9/12/2018

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A caring reader just sent me the following:

A huge tefilah is being planned tonight at Ma'arat HaMachpela [Cave of the Patriarchs in Chevron] to avert war in Israel. They are hoping to gather 50,000 Jews. If you want to spread the word, the info is all at Shuvu Banim website.

https://ravberland.com/full-translation-they-are-preparing-thousands-and-thousands-of-rockets/

Also, here are Tehillim [Psalms] to say (according to the Chida):
20 -- good for judgment (din)
44 -- to be saved from the hand of an enemy
70 -- for war
83 -- for war
92 -- to see great miracles
100 -- to be victorious over one's enemies
109 -- if your haters have been oppressing you
110 -- for your haters to make peace with you
119:89-96 (lamed) -- to sweeten or nullify negative judgment

For the full list of the Chida's segulot for each chapter of Tehillim, please see:
The Full List of Segulot/Uses for All of Tehillim

Please also see:
14 Ways to Sweeten Dinim

May any din be sweetened & may we all merit Hashem's Abundant Compassion.

Cave of the Patriarchs in Hebron

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Honesty Promotion

6/12/2018

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We live in a world that pushes self-promotion.

We're supposed to put ourselves out there and describe our experience & achievements to convince people to listen to us, to follow us, to empathize with us, to buy our product, and more.

Sometimes, others put you down for not being confident enough, for not promoting yourself enough, and for not exposing yourself enough.

I've even had people get upset with me for not offering them advice with enough self-assurance -- even though I'm no professional or expert in the area.

Disappointing experience and Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender taught me that in most cases, it's not right to tell people what to do with their lives. There is so much about a person we cannot know. So other than general advice that always applies to everyone (do teshuvah, pray, talk to Hashem, observe the Torah mitzvot, etc.) at all times, it's very difficult to offer someone concrete advice.

But people are so used the superconfident oversell, they can become angry at you for treating them like the special individual with unique needs that they are -- even when you aren't a professional or an expert in the area!

In fact, I've had a couple of people get upset with me for reminding them that I'm merely repeating the advice of a professional and hold no expertise myself, and that if anything I say doesn't sit well with them, then they should dismiss it and go with their own insights.

What do they want -- that I should lie to them and give them a big overconfident hardsell that might hurt them?

It's really confusing because you're darned if you and darned if you don't.

But let's listen to Rav Avigdor Miller said -- Rav Miller who truly possessed the middot, yirat Shamayim, knowledge, and experience to give mussar to so many frum Jews across the spectrum -- look at what he said:

Rav Avigdor Miller on Ignoring Rav Avigdor Miller

Q:
What should people gain from these shiurim here? Why is it worth it to come here every Thursday night?

A:
They should gain עצות ותחבולות [advice & strategies]. Advice about how to live life more happily and more successfully. All the words that you hear here come from the words of our great men. It’s the words of the Torah that Hakodosh Boruch Hu is teaching. It’s עצות. Good, sound advice. עצה זו תורה. The ideas found in the תורה [Torah] are the best advice for living a successful life. And really, I’m here just talking to myself. I’m trying to make myself better. But I’m letting you listen along.

And therefore, if anything comes from my own mind, then you should ignore it. But if it’s פסוקים [Torah verses] and ma’amarei Chazal. Or mussar seforim and words of my Rebbeim from Slobodka, then they’re diamonds – more valuable than diamonds – and I’m just handing them over to you. I’m just a שליח [messenger]. They are valuable lessons and you must practice them. It’s very important that you practice living according to the עצות [advice] of our חכמים [wise Sages]. And if you do so, you will live successfully and accomplish what you’re in this world to accomplish.
(TAPE # E-172)

"And really, I’m here just talking to myself. I’m trying to make myself better. But I’m letting you listen along. And therefore, if anything comes from my own mind, then you should ignore it."

Do you really believe that you should ignore anything that comes from Rav Miller's own mind?

I don't.

Rav Miller possessed the insight, knowledge, and experience necessary for a good solid opinion of his own.

I definitely wouldn't ignore something from Rav Miller's mind.

But the idea behind his words is spot-on.

And it's a good thing to remember whether you're the one speaking/writing or whether you're the one listening/reading.

May Hashem grant us all wisdom, insight, and daat to always make the best decision.

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The Real Purpose of a Home & Family

5/12/2018

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Several years ago, Hamodia printed a column in which Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller contrasted 2 different mother-daughter relationships.

In one scenario, the mother allowed her teenage daughter to pour out her heart and thoughts with no restraint. The daughter discussed her perceptions of other people using their names and any other identifying information without a second thought. Both the mother and the daughter viewed their relationship as “close” and one of sharing.

Yet Rebbetzin Heller noted that a relationship based on lashon hara doesn’t possess genuine intimacy.

In contrast, she described a relationship in which the mother and daughter felt close to each other, but the mother allowed the daughter to discuss others only when necessary and without names or any other identifying details (unless there was a to’elet—a beneficial purpose—in revealing these details).

This revolutionary (for me at that time) idea struck me because I hadn’t considered that placing boundaries on a child’s conversation could still facilitate a close relationship with that child. My own children were still young at that time and Hashem led me to read this column before I needed to—which was great preparation for my future relationship with them.

Even now, it’s surprising how much a child can confide without telling me anything more identifying than “a classmate of mine” or “a kid in the neighborhood.”

Yes, sometimes names and identifying details need to be revealed, but not usually. And even when the child can’t avoid telling you who’s bothering them, the other laws of lashon hara l’to’elet need to be observed.

There are no hard-and-fast rules about this. Age, for example, can be a deciding factor. Child-parent discussions involving lashon hara l’to’elet occur at the parents’ discretion and since it’s impossible to be perfect about this, you just give it your best shot based on whatever knowledge you have of the situation and the halacha.

But I’d grown up with the modern child psychology that children need all their feelings validated and that any lashon hara they spoke was automatically l’to’elet because a child “needs” that outlet in the parent.

However, one thing that Judaism (and Rebbetzin Heller’s column) emphasizes is how the home is really training ground to bring out your child’s soul-potential.

Our job as parents is to train the child to be the best he or she can be and consequently earn the best Olam Haba possible.

The only way to do this is to do the following:

First, as parents, work on our own middot.
Secondly, to train our children to adhere to halacha.

And while I knew that “being friends” with one’s child is not good for them, I had a harder time breaking away from the idea that children need to be happy and a parent needs to build a child’s self-esteem. It didn’t help that many very well-meaning chinuch “experts” opined that a happy child-parent relationship was necessary to prevent children from going off the derech. The child needed to feel loved and also love the parents.

It sounds so nice and logical. What could be the problem with it?

Doing What's REALLY Best for Your Child

As one rebbetzin explained to me in my early years of motherhood, a parent cannot focus on making a child happy.

A parent must focus on doing what’s best for the child, regardless of how hard that is for the parent or how much the child dislikes it. Determining parental success or failure by how the child feels about the parent creates a recipe for disaster.
(You can see more details about that exchange in Allowing Others Their Own Life Journey.)

Also, what I didn't realize back then was that self-esteem cannot be given, it can only be earned by a person through making moral choices and taking the higher road (even if it's only a tad higher than the road everyone else is taking).

In other words, parents can teach their children how to earn & cultivate their own self-esteem, but parents cannot give their children self-esteem.

And yeah, I'm still cleaning up the mess from having gone with the child psychology of the 80s & 90s.

(Fortunately, Hashem helps.)

Furthermore, it's not hard to notice that many children with seemingly close & friendly relationships with their parents grew distant or even angry at their parents later while many strictly raised children ended up becoming close and appreciative of their parents later.

Yes, parents whose strictness is based on being control-freaks or who are too lazy to say yes when saying no is easier have given firm boundaries & high expectations a bad reputation. But those parents aren’t doing what’s best for the child; they are simply indulging their own bad middot and ignoring their children’s feelings for their own convenience while pretending they are being responsible parents.

But to parent wisely, the only question that needs to be answered is:
What is BEST for my child?

Not what makes me, the parent, happier. And not what makes the child happier. But is BEST?

This actually takes enormous self-discipline, self-honesty, and most of all:
Copious prayer.

And it is the real challenge of parenthood.

May we all succeed in raising our children according to their derech and may both we and Hashem receive a lot of nachat d'kedushah from them.

Here are some helpful halachic Q&A regarding lashon hara between parents and children:
hamodia.com/columns/mishmeres-hasholom-ask-rav-151/
https://hamodia.com/columns/mishmeres-hasholom-ask-rav-140/
https://hamodia.com/columns/mishmeres-hasholom-ask-rav-137/
https://hamodia.com/columns/mishmeres-hasholom-ask-rav-136/

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More Tips on How to Recognize a Real Gadol

3/12/2018

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How can we know who the great rabbanim are?

And at a superficial glance, what sets gadolim apart from the rest of us?

In Recognizing a Gadol Hador, Rav Avigdor Miller gives basic pointers:

See who other gedolim are calling a gadol.
Do great rabbanim from outside his group consider him a gadol?

In another lecture (the Q&A of Chanukah: Hyrcanus’s Downfall), Rav Miller adds 3 more:

A gadol doesn’t go on TV
A gadol doesn’t go by names like “Alfred” or “Norman.”
A gadol is better at thinking then speaking.

Needless to say, gadolim appear in video clips—the Lubavitcher Rebbe in particular—which can theoretically make their way to TV—or worse. Yet Rav Miller clearly considers the Lubavitcher Rebbe a great talmid chacham and Torah leader. So I guess the answer is that "going on TV” is different than when others film you as you simply go about your business of serving Hashem and tending to Am Yisrael. I think there's also a difference when you pursue the TV shows and when you're just doing your Torah stuff and that gets on TV without you even thinking in that direction or wanting to publicize yourself. Rav Miller made the point that appearing on TV means being squeezed between forbidden programming. People tune in to watch you, but they end up getting all the forbidden stuff too. This is different than if people watch a CD of just you, etc. Rav Miller himself did not allow people to make his lectures available on the Internet and they only became available online after his passing. (Please see Rav Avigdor Miller on the Internet for that source.)

Also, in that same Q&A, Rav Avigdor Miller states:

"S'micha [rabbinical ordination] is very far from being a gadol."

It's really important to know this.

It doesn't mean we start lambasting rabbis (or any other people) and dissecting their character to bits. But people need to know that smicha is about academic ability.

Spiritual greatness is something else.

Gadolim & Personality Types

Sometimes, differences in personality types confuse people.

Character refinement doesn’t produce clones.

Outgoing extroverted talmidei chachamim remain outgoing and extroverted.

Introverted talmidei chachamim remain introverted.

Yes, they’re able to stretch themselves past their innate nature when necessary, but someone with great physical energy and extroversion (like the Lubavitcher Rebbe) will channel his spiritual greatness through that.

Other great talmidei chachamim possess incredible mental energy. They’re known for their hasmadah and their ability to remain awake for most of the day immersed in a Gemara. But they don’t physically move around much.

Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach was known for his smile, in addition to his exceptional character and vast Torah knowledge.

Rav Aryeh Levine is one of the most beloved tzaddikim in the past century. Stories of his outreach to Jews on all levels, his profound love and warmth, and his humility often overshadow the tremendous Torah scholarship he also possessed. In conjunction with his dedication to Torah study, Rav Aryeh Levine was tremendously active at the community level.

In addition to their vast Torah knowledge and untiring dedication to Am Yisrael, Rav Meir Shapiro and Rav Avigdor Miller were also known for their wit and humor.

For many gadolim, their speech is short and to-the-point. Such speech can be softened if the gadol possesses a very warm personality, but others are more serious by nature and can come off with more curtness.

So we see that our great rabbis come in a variety of flavors.

This is no surprise because our founders—Avraham, Yitzchak, Yaakov, Sara, Rivka, Rachel, and Leah—all possessed different personalities from one another. Some were even opposites and served Hashem in very different ways (like Avraham Avinu and Yitzchak Avinu, for example.)

Your personal preference (and soul-needs) pull you toward one type or another, but it doesn’t mean that a contrasting type is a lesser person than the gadol you’re most pulled toward.

Straight-Shootin' Humility

Real gadolim are humble.

Certainly, they can also be fiery and strong as iron when necessary—but all for the sake of Hashem, not their ego.

Rabbi Wallerstein offers an amusing example of this when describing his interaction with Rav Shteinman. (Please see Rav Shteinman: My Personal Experience.) Rav Steinman was stern with him at the outset (partway through the clip)—but the reason why became clear later at a follow-up meeting.

And this is in line with what was written in an earlier post, that some great rabbanim behaved in strange or unusually stern ways, but those with ruach hakodesh have good reason for doing so. They choose to do so; it's not coming from bad middot.

When people enthused over Rav Shteinman’s ruach hakodesh after he knew a Jew lacked a kosher brit mila just by looking at his face, Rav Kanievsky commented that you don’t need ruach kodesh to see such a thing on someone’s face—but added that aside from that, Rav Steinman indeed possessed ruach hakodesh. So if Rav Shteinman was unusually stern, he had a good reason for it.

Anyway, back to humility...

Rav Chaim Pinchas Scheinberg used to wash dishes in the evening. In his great compassion for his hard-working wife, he set up an open Gemara near the sink and got to work—and he wasn’t embarrassed to admit it. He also used to credit his long life (he passed away at the age of 101) to the fact that his mother nursed him until he was 2. What about his great mesirut nefesh to Torah? Nope, he doesn’t credit himself at all.

For more on Rav Scheinberg, please see Living for Others.

P.S. I remember seeing Rav Scheinberg when Rebbetzin Scheinberg was sitting in her wheelchair next to him, both of them in their nineties. She was on oxygen or something and she was giggling away like a young kallah while Rav Scheinberg beamed with sheer bliss just being in her presence. It may sound strange to say this about such chashuv people, but I remember thinking they were such a cute couple.

There’s a heartwarming video of Rav Ovadia Yosef and Rav Scheinberg sitting together. Rav Ovadia is hunched over to keep his head lower than Rav Scheinberg’s head. Rav Ovadia is crying and asking Rav Scheinberg what to do about his many sins. Rav Scheinberg thinks this over and then starts crying too. So we have two great rabbanim crying over their “sins.”

Compare this to narcissists who, when confronted with even the smallest wrongdoing on their part, go wide-eyed and huff, “I can’t even imagine what you’re talking about! Who, me? How could you even think such a thing about ME?”

When a man reprimanded the Chazon Ish for not saying enough Tehillim (he didn’t realize it was the Chazon Ish), the Chazon Ish simply took it as a sign from Hashem that Hashem wanted him to say more Tehillim without taking any offense.

It used to be that you could go to Bnei Brak and learn with or speak in learning with Rav Shteinman and Rav Kanievsky. My husband used to do this every 3 weeks for a year. He said they were always very nice. Wouldn’t such knowledgeable rabbanim find this annoying? I guess not! Once, my husband witnessed how a tactless young man started needling Rav Kanievsky about something his late father, the Steipler Gaon, had said—the tactless young man thought he’d found a contradiction in the Steipler’s words.

But despite the gross insensitivity (and chutzpah), Rav Kanievsky merely responded in a very soft & pained voice, “What do you want from me? My father! My father!”

People who went to Rav Bentzion Abba Shaul comment on his warmth and friendliness.

The Lubavitcher Rebbe regularly stood for hours interacting with Jews (and non-Jews) of every stripe, his concern for each Jew obvious. He wore a warm smile and an affectionate twinkle in his eye as he handed out advice, blessings, and dollars. Only a truly humble person could consistently relate to so many different kinds of people with such kindness.

Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender displayed astounding humility throughout his ordeals in life. Here's one example: As he hid in the basement of a wealthy Jew in order to hear borchu, kaddish, and the Torah reading from the minyan upstairs, the wealthy Jew unthinkingly sent of the congregants down to the basement to get the sefer Torah. This exposed Rav Bender, who was one of the KGB's most-wanted at that time. Indeed, the poor Jew freaked out upon seeing Rav Bender and fled the house along with the rest of the minyan.

And what was Rav Bender's description of the calamity?:
"...I understood that I had made a bitter mistake. Why had I not warned the host to come himself and take the sefer Torah, and not send one of his people to do it?"

He blames himself! The host was well-aware of the danger to everyone in hosting Rav Bender—why would anyone think there's any need to remind the host to get the sefer Torah himself?

Rav Bender achieved great things and merited amazing miracles. Yet when asked about his greatest accomplishment, he's reputed to have answered: "I lived 30 years in Russia, and I still believe in God!"

Even when Rav Shteinman approached 100, he still feared the judgement of Yom Kippur, he worried he'd overlooked certain middot and deeds that Heaven would judge him for. (For one story of this, please see TSA.)

When Rav Eliezer Papo (author of the Pele Yoetz) agreed to take on the decree of fatal plague to spare his community, he spent his last weeks confessing and doing teshuvah. Confessing to what? Teshuvah on what? He was a tremendous tzaddik! What sins could he have had? And anyway, isn't dying of the plague for the sake of your brothers and sisters atonement enough? No, I guess it wasn't. This is the awesome humility & sincerity of a real gadol.

Rebbetzin Batsheva Kanievsky was also known for her sisterly warmth toward her throngs of admirers and those seeking her blessing. You could see women who’d visited her would be glowing and their faces light up every time they recall their meeting with her. She had the power to make people feel good—no ego on her part.

You can read more about the humility of Rav Shteinman and Rav Finkel in these posts:

Rav Avigdor Miller’s words remain with us due to his permission to let his lectures be taped. But to whom does he credit? Mr. Shelby! It was Rav Miller who needed to be there, prepare the lecture, then undergo the strain of answering questions from every direction. But he only ever credits the people who asked for the shiur and who made the recordings.

(By the way, I’m also personally grateful to Mr. Shelby—and everyone else involved—for organizing the class and the recordings. And I’m grateful to those involved in transcribing his lectures into books and online articles.)

Also, when Rav Miller expressed his regret at the Torah he was missing while attending a grandchild’s wedding, another guest asked him if it wasn’t a joyous thing to attend a grandchild’s wedding? Later, Rav Miller thanked the man, revealing that since the man made that comment, Rav Miller was much happier at his grandchildren’s weddings. (It takes a certain humility to accept correction from a regular person and to even thank them for it later.)

Here are some samples Rav Miller's straightfoward humility:

A Random Selection of Short Q&A’s [#2]
Q:
Why did Yosef demand that all the Mitzraim get a bris milah in order to be fed during the famine?
A:
I’m going to leave that unanswered for the time being. That ma’amar has to be studied by me.
TAPE #E-212

Rav Avigdor Miller: Random Q&As
Q:
How would a bochur today go about acquiring the amount of secular knowledge that you have?

A:
And the answer is that I don’t have much. The little bit that I have, I show off and I make a big fuss, a whole fuss about it. But I don’t have much.
(TAPE # 613)

Q:
Who was wiser, Avraham Avinu or Shlomo Hamelech?
A:
And the answer is, I don’t know. If I ever find out I’ll tell you. Shlomo was definitely wiser than the famous wise men that they knew in history. But Avraham Avinu was something different, I cannot tell you. Avraham was such a pioneer that I’m not able to say if he’s included in that. I just don’t know. If you find out, you’ll tell me.

(TAPE # 403)

The Q&A of Chanukah: Hyrcanus’s Downfall

Questioner:
…Now, up until now I personally, outside of perhaps you, Rabbi, I haven't met very many gedolim.

Rav Miller:
I'm not a gadol, very far from it.

Questioner:
Well, I'm very much impressed with your--

Rav Miller:
I'm not a gadol.

Questioner:
Well, I'm very impressed with your delivery--

Rav Miller:
A gadol doesn't have any good delivery. A gadol stammers when he talks. A man who has good delivery is not a gadol. He's a public speaker.

Questioner:
Well, I think you understand the subject matter, I think you have some element of gedulah.

Rav Miller:
I'm a speaker. A gadol can't speak. A gadol can think!

(Just as an aside, the Q&A of Chanukah: Hyrcanus’s Downfall was one of the laugh-aloud funniest things I’ve read in a long time—and very enlightening too. Also, all quotes from Toras Avigdor are used with permission.)

Anyway, there are many more “humble gadolim” examples.

But that's it for now.

Hope this helped.

Related Post:
Which Rabbi Should I Listen To?

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How to Access the Secret Power of Chanukah

2/12/2018

4 Comments

This is a re-post from last year, but it's message is still a timely reminder every Chanukah.

While everyone knows that Yom Kippur is the big time of atonement and forgiveness (and asking forgiveness after combing through your deeds and motivations, i.e cheshbon hanefesh), many people don't realize that Chanukah also possesses tremendous power for teshuvah and forgiveness.

The Two Most Important Words on Chanukah

During the times of the Beit Hamikdash, the Jewish people benefited from the twice-a-day sacrifices that atoned for their sins.

(At first glance, this sounds superficial, but the Kli Yakar detailed how this worked in Parshat Tzav.)

In Words of Faith, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender stresses that the Jewish soul cannot bear the weight of sin for even a day. Why?

Because the Jewish soul is so ethereal, subtle, delicate, and sacred, explains Rav Bender.

This why a daily cheshbon hanefesh is so essential -- and why it's so essential to confess your sin to Hashem even a moment after you just transgressed whatever you transgressed. (Even though doing so feels really weird. But it's genuinely helpful and the right thing to do.)

Within the Beit Hamikdash, Jews had the Chanukat Habayit ceremony -- Dedication of the House (i.e., the Temple).

So what can we do nowadays with no Beit Hamikdash & no Chanukat Habayit?

Cry out to Hashem: "Slach na -- please forgive!!!"

Rav Bender quotes Rebbe Nachman from Likutei Moharan II:2

"Know! Each one has Chanukah according to what he accomplished in his request on Yom Kippur: 'Please forgive!' "

So we see that Yom Kippur and Chanukah are definitely interlinked.

Furthermore, there is also a hint regarding the month of Kislev (the Hebrew month of Chanukah):
"Vayar Hashem ki sar lirot" (Shemot 3:4)
Hashem saw that he turned to look: He gazed to see what would be at the time of Galut (Exile), the time of "sar"-- rage.

(He explains that sar can also mean "storm" -- and as far as I know "storm" is spelled with an ayin.)

But anyway:

V,K,S,L...Kislev!

Bringing Down the Power of Chanukah

Rebbe Nachman said that Moshe Rabbeinu merited knowing the secret of Chanukah (even though the events of Chanukah took place centuries after Moshe Rabbeinu's passing) by pleading to Hashem, "Please forgive the people's sin..." (Bamidbar 14:19):

סְלַח־נָ֗א לַֽעֲוֹ֛ן הָעָ֥ם הַזֶּ֖ה כְּגֹ֣דֶל חַסְדֶּ֑ךָ וְכַֽאֲשֶׁ֤ר נָשָׂ֨אתָה֙ לָעָ֣ם הַזֶּ֔ה מִמִּצְרַ֖יִם וְעַד־הֵֽנָּה

"Please forgive the iniquity of this nation in accordance with your abounding kindness, as You have borne this people from Egypt until now."

הַזֶּ֖ה כְּגֹ֣דֶל חַסְדֶּ֑ךָ וְכַֽאֲשֶׁ֤ר נָשָׂ֨אתָה֙

ה כ ח ו נ...חנוכה

...hazeh k'godel chasdecha v'ka'asher nasata..."

H,K,CH,V,N...Chanukah!

And we see from the above that this is a definite koach double-wrapped within Chanukah, which exists within Kislev, as hinted in the Torah.

Rav Bender states (Words of Faith, Vol. II, pg. 450):

"The world does not know the secret that, in place of the offerings, [you need to] scream: 'Please forgive!' The secret of Chanukah -- the Chanukas Beit Hamikdash and offerings -- yell, 'Please forgive!' "

And on page 456, he assures us:

"That just through screaming, 'Please forgive!' we can merit that Hakadosh Baruch Hu will answer and atone: 'God said, "I forgive according to your word!" ' " (Bamidbar 14:20)

So this Chanukah, it's very important to take the time to cry out to Hashem:
"SLACH NA -- PLEASE FORGIVE!!!"

And you'll bring down blessing upon yourself and upon the Jewish people with a power that lasts throughout the entire year.

Image courtesy either of the now-defunct Free Bitsela site or Pixabay, can't remember which.

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