Myrtle Rising

The Demonic Draw of Dimyon

16/8/2018

In Chapter 69, the Kav Hayashar presents a freaky story that occurred in Posen in the mid-1600s to a Jewish smith who kept a demoness "wife" living in his outhouse.

(However, she made the inside of the outhouse appear as a luxurious home with beautiful furnishings. And if that's not the perfect illustration for what's going on today with the allures of modern society, then I don't know what is.)

This smith had a kosher Jewish wife and children, but he kept getting pulled toward this demon-wife in a way that the Kav Hayashar describes as against the smith's will.

In fact, this smith even got up in the middle of the Pesach Seder to be with the demon-wife in the luxury-illusion outhouse for 15 minutes. His real wife, concerned about his sudden leave of absence, went to go peek through a crack in the wall and she got a real eyefull.

Fortunately, a holy Sage named Rebbe Sheftel (son of the Shlah Hakadosh) lived in their area and the human wife reported her discovery to the holy Rebbe. Rebbe Sheftel sent for the smith who admitted he had "an alien wife (ishah zarah) who was not from the seed of a human being."

Rebbe Sheftel gave the husband an amulet which broke the power of the demoness over him and forced him to separate from her.

Not long before his death, the demoness came to him weeping, protesting about how could her abandon her and her children? Then she showed him a flirty smiling face (panim sochekot), smooching and hugging and cajoling him until he agreed to grant her and her children a portion of his property: the cellar.

Yet only a short while later, something the Kav Hayashar refers to as "wars in the states of Poland from 1648 to 1658" occurred. (I assume this refers to the Khmelnystky massacres.) And the smith and all his heirs were killed during these uprisings.

Demons in the Cellar

It was only in 1680-81 that the new owners of the home discovered the real danger of the demonic entities (chitzonim) in the cellar.

It began around 1678 when a young man entered the locked cellar and 15 minutes later, was found dead on its threshold, but no one knew why.

Two years later, the entities started making trouble in the outer buildings, where people used to cook. Then the entities started wandering freely through the main living quarters, breaking things and terrifying the inhabitants.

Interestingly, they first tried a non-Jewish exorcism using Catholic priests, but it obviously didn't work.

Finally, they called on Rebbe Yoel Baal Shem of Zamusht (Zamosc) to intervene. He convened a special beit din, which he compelled the demonic entities to attend. He could hear them although he could not see them.

These chitzonim claimed to be the offspring of the Jewish smith and his demon-wife and, with no human heirs left to inherit the property, these demonic offspring insisted that they were the rightful inheritors of the smith's property and not the new unrelated owners who legally bought the property.

However, the current owners claimed true ownership for the following reasons:

They purchased the property legally from the smith and his representatives.
Demonic entities don't have the status of human offspring (zera bnei adam).
Their mother the demoness compelled the smith to cohabit with her against his will.

After hearing both sides, the beit din delivered their psak (verdict) that the demonic entities had no rights to the smith's estate, including no rights to the cellar, because their primary dwelling place is the wilderness and the forests, and not the yishuv (places of human habitation).

Then Rebbe Yoel Baal Shem Tov bound the entities by oath to leave the smith's estate (including the cellar) and go to the wilderness and the forest.

The Kav Hayashar concludes the saga by saying:

הֲרֵי לְךָ רְאָיָה בְּרוּרָה, שֶׁהֶעָווֹן הַזֶּה גּוֹרֵם כְּשֶׁהָאָדָם נִדְבַּק בְּלִילִית אוֹ בְּשֵׁדִית מִן כַּת מַחֲלַת, אֲזַי נֶעֱקָר הוּא מִן הָעוֹלָם וְגַם מִשְׁפַּחְתּוֹ, וְאֵין לוֹ שׁוּם זִכָּרוֹן בָּעוֹלָם

From this incident you have a clear demonstration that this transgression causes that when a man clings to Lilith or to one of the cohorts [kaht] of Machalat, he uproots himself and his entire family from the world until no memory of him remains.

I don't know why the man's children were also victims of his transgression, except that maybe because he obviously couldn't have proper intentions with his human wife, then that caused him to bring down blemished souls via his human wife.

And anyway, there was heavy judgement going on at that time as a horrific amount of Jews were slaughtered during those years.

The Teshuvah Cure

In his final summation of events, the Kav Hayashar writes:

עַל כֵּן יִתְרַחֵק הָאָדָם מִן הַזְּנוּת, כְּדֵי שֶׁלֹּא יָבוֹא אֵלָיו שֵׁדִית בִּדְמוּת אִשָּׁה, וְיִדְבַּק חַס וְשָׁלוֹם בּוֹ אוֹ בְּזַרְעוֹ, וְגוֹרֵם רָעָה לְעַצְמוֹ. וְהַגּוֹדֵר עַצְמוֹ בְּגָדֵר עֶרְוָה וּמִדַּבֵּק בְּאֵשֶׁת נְעוּרָיו שֶׁהִיא כְּגֶפֶן, אָז אַשְׁרֵי לוֹ וְאַשְׁרֵי לְנִשְׁמָתוֹ שֶׁלֹּא נָתַן כֹּחוֹ לְזָרִים. רַק יִהְיֶה הָאָדָם נִזְהָר מִלְּהוֹצִיא זַרְעוֹ לְבַטָּלָה. וְאִם יַגִּיעַ אֵלָיו חַס וְשָׁלוֹם חֵטְא זֶה עַל יְדֵי אֹנֶס, אֲזַי יִרְאֶה תֵּכֶף לְתַקֵּן אֶת הַפְּגָם בִּתְשׁוּבָה, וְאָז טוֹב לוֹ יִהְיֶה סֶלָה

Therefore a man must distance himself from licentious behavior lest a demoness come to him in the form of a woman and cling to him or his offspring, Heaven forbid, so that he will cause himself harm. Fortunate is the one who makes protective barriers for himself and adheres to the wife of his youth, who is likened to a grapevine. And fortunate is his soul, for he does not deliver his strength to alien entities (zarim). In any event, a man must be careful not to waste his seed.

And if this sin should overtake him against his will, Heaven forbid, let him immediately rectify the blemish through repentance. Then all will be well with him, selah.

Although the Kav Hayashar doesn't specify how this demonic relationship began, he implies that the smith wasn't careful about his personal holiness, which opened him up to being approached by a demoness. And this demonic relationship was a committed relationship because he kept referring to her as his "alien wife (ishah zarah)" and the Kav Hayashar describes it as "his soul was bound up with hers."

Also, it's worth noting that, like with the Pele Yoetz and all the other writings of tzaddikim, after the Kav Hayashar provides strict frightening warnings about a particular sin, he offers reassurance that teshuvah can still remedy everything "and then all will be well with him, selah."

Serving WHOSE Needs?

What I found interesting was that while he didn't seem to fight his inclination for the demoness, the Kav Hayashar presents the situation as if the man was going to fulfill HER needs, not his own.

As the Kav Hayashar writes:

וְהָיָה דָּר עִם שֵׁדִית אַחַת, וְהוֹלִיד בָּנִים זָרִים וּבָנִים מַשְׁחִיתִים, וְגַם הוֹלִיד מֵאִשְׁתּוֹ גַּם כֵּן בָּנִים. וְהָאִישׁ צוֹרֵף הַנִּזְכָּר לְעֵיל הָיָה לוֹ אַהֲבָה יְתֵרָה, וְנַפְשׁוֹ קְשׁוּרָה בְּנַפְשָׁהּ שֶׁל שֵׁדִית, וְלִפְעָמִים הָיָה מֻכְרָח לְבַטֵּל תְּפִלָּתוֹ וְלָצֵאת מִבֵּית הַכְּנֶסֶת לַעֲשׂוֹת רְצוֹן הַשֵּׁדִית הַנִּזְכָּר לְעֵיל

He used to cohabit with a certain female demon, who bore him “foreign sons” and “destructive sons.” He had a human wife as well, who also bore him sons.

But the smith was very much in love with the demoness to the point that his soul was bound up with hers.

Sometimes he was forced to interrupt his prayers and leave the synagogue in order to fulfill the wishes of the demoness.

The Illusion of Obsession

The Kav Hayashar notes that a demoness named Machalat "and her kaht (type, group)" can appear to men as a beautiful, laughing, playful woman.

(The term he uses is "heret lo panim sochekot - she showed him a laughing/playful/smiling face." She showed him such a face. It wasn't real, just something she showed him. Sort of like what many people do on Facebook and Instagram.)

Yet the children they created together weren't considered his real children and prohibited from inheriting him. Tragically, the man left the world with no descendants behind him, which is why the demonic offspring thought they had rights to his home until the local beit din informed them otherwise.

So it was all dimyon.

Elusive & Illusive

In modern Hebrew, dimyon translates as "imagination." But it also means "to resemble," to have a similar appearance to something.

The demoness resembled a beautiful happy woman, her relationship with the smith resembled a marriage, the results of their relationship resembled children and heirs - but in actuality, it was all nothing.

Even the outhouse resembled a luxury villa from the inside, but was only ever a simple structure encapsulating a dark stinking hole full of repulsive waste.

It was all dimyon.

Nothing concrete. Nothing real or long-lasting.

Elusive and illusive.

Interestingly, the above scenario portrays the man as leaving his family and a profoundly significant Torah obligation (Leil HaSeder) to spend 15 minutes with his demoness. Fifteen minutes! Couldn't he at least postpone it?

But no, she compelled him. The Kav Hayashar refers to this several times above:

He was forced to interrupt his prayers.
He was compelled against his will - hi hayatah kofah et hatzoref ba'al korcho."
Sometimes, licentious sins "come about by force - al yadei oness."

Yet the smith created the initial opening.

And what started out as controllable and desirable veered out of control and overtook him against his will.

And this reminds me of other stories: stories from modern times...

When Dimyon Takes Control

I've heard of women whose husbands got up in the middle of supper with an oh-so innocent "dum-dee-dum-dee-dum!" attitude to go look up unwholesome images on the Internet - photoshopped, airbrushed, carefully made-up, plastic-surgeried women with fake smiles (panim sochekot) and fake allure. These younger women also possessed such genetics that even if the kosher wives themselves underwent plastic surgery and carefully applied make-up, they could never achieve the look of these Internet bunnies.

And as for such men who can't even make it through a simple meal with his family: What a rascal of a baal taavah! It's bad enough he gazes at such images -- can't he even wait until the end of supper?

But no, he just gets up and abandons his kosher wife and children. He doesn't even care that in his wife's despair and helpless rage at his abhorrent behavior, she'll mishandle normal child mishaps (like a picky eater, a kvetchy eater, or a toddler who throws his bowl of noodles on the floor). No, he doesn't care. His need to immerse himself in these fake images is stronger than his love for his family.

Rabbi Zechariah Wallerstein has already spoken of frum girls who transgress Shabbos by texting with their friends.

Texting is mostly text, but it can include playful smiley emoticans. And the whole texting dynamic resembles a human relationship and seems fun, but it's actually highly destructive.

Furthermore, relationships conduct primarily through texting aren't at all the same as real person-to-person relationships. Yet the obsessive texting feels like a real satisfying relationship.

Finally, according to Rabbi Wallerstein, these girls care about Shabbat. Texting demands major Shabbat transgressions.

So why can't they control themselves?

In Malky Feig's heart-stirring book Mountain Climbers 2, we meet an extremely sincere frum girl named Rochy whose glance into the secular novels kept by her grandmother's non-Jewish caretaker creates an opening for a reading addiction.

She's a happy girl who likes her school and family, yet these trashy novels sucked her in.

She fights their pull ("Why was I doing this if I knew it wasn't right for me?") At one point, she resists picking up the alluring novel and instead picks up a siddur and begs Hashem to help her: "Please, Tatte, please! Help me remain pure. You know how badly I want to serve you in sanctity...Please, Tatte, cleanse me. Don't let me fall now. Help me resist this overpowering temptation..."

After such sincere heartfelt prayer, Rochy states: "I was sure my battle was over."

Then: "Sunday morning, however, I was once again under the spell."

Rochy finds herself living a double-life of a dedicated frum girl who teaches popular classes in Yiddishkeit to adoring students while secretly consuming forbidden reading material at every opportunity.

She's aware of her hypocrisy and hates herself for it. But she still can't stop.

Then, just like the mesmerized smith 3 centuries ago, this frum girl leaves her family Seder to huddle next to the light of the upstairs bathroom to immerse herself in the mesmerizing secular novel hidden there.

Again, a novel's characters aren't real, but as any voracious reader knows, the world of a compellingly written novel feels real.

(Another interesting correlation to the story that began with the smith: The demons ended up in the cellar, then spread throughout the house. Likewise, Rochy's "demons" -- the trashy novels -- were located in the basement, then spread to her room and she ended up carrying around the images in her head wherever she went, as if her "demons" and left the basement and spread out.)

Yet that plunge to rock-bottom forced Rochy to realize how low she'd fallen.

Again she turned to Hashem with her whole heart and begged Him to forgive her and rescue her from her compulsion.

And she succeeded. She refused to finish the novel that took her out of the Pesach Seder and needed to physically restrain herself from descending to the converted basement of her grandmother's apartment where the novels lay.

As time went by, she felt freer from her addiction. Eventually, she was able to go down to visit her grandmother without feeling the allure of the novels. Occasionally, she felt a twinge, but she fortified herself by thinking of what she wanted to be and how short life is.

"Life was too short, our souls far too precious, to blemish with temporal indulgence."

And just like our tzaddikim promise, sincere teshuvah cured her of her unwanted compulsion.

In the above scenarios, everyone is shown panim sochekot - appealing fictional characters and situations, emoticons and textspeak, women with fake come-hither looks...

Interestingly, many people caught in the above situations express a helplessness. They want to stop, they're distressed and mortified by their behavior, but they feel they can't stop.

Men addicted to disgusting images describe their self-disgust and the measures they take to stop themselves, but as if compelled, they find themselves at the computer yet again.

Facebook is another source of panim sochekot. People tend to post images and announcements that show them in the best light, happy and successful. Many people feel addicted to Facebook, even as studies show that Facebook makes them feel worse. Nonetheless, so many feel compelled to constantly check their Facebook.

I can't know what's really going on here, but the similarities of modern addictions to the story of the smith and his demonic cohabitation are too much to be ignored.

Yet the frum girl above managed to disengage from her compulsion by turning to Hashem and the Kav Hayashar promises us the teshuvah is not only possible, but effective.

May Hashem help all of us overcome all our "demons."

Note: I tweaked some of the translation above to reflect the more literal meaning of the words. Yet much of the Hebrew is included here for your edification, along with a transliteration of many phrases included in the English translation. The entire Hebrew text with its English translation are available on Sefaria as linked above to Chapter 69.

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A Peek into the Deeper Meaning of a "Regular" Parsha

15/8/2018

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One of the many unique aspects of Torah is the increasingly deeper level of meaning inherent in even the most seemingly mundane verse.

For example, the story of Avraham Avinu and Sara Imeinu isn't only about the actions and interactions of our first Jews. It also represents the actions and interactions of the Sefirot in a completely different dimension. In addition, there are many more layers of meaning to every word of their story inscribed in the Torah.

In other words, the Torah is not only true, but it's truer in more profound ways than we could ever imagine.

For example, the Kav Hayashar Chapter 42. He refers to a well-known section of the Chumash that seems to "only" discuss an aspect of Jewish Law. Yet the Kav Hayashar gleans from the Zohar an underlying lesson for which the halachic description is pure metaphor:

-כְּתִיב

וּבַת כֹּהֵן כִּי תִהְיֶה אַלְמָנָה וּגְרוּשָׁה וְזֶרַע אֵין לָהּ, וְשָׁבָה אֶל בֵּית אָבִיהָ כִּנְעוּרֶיהָ, בִּתְרוּמַת הַקֳּדָשִׁים לֹא תֹאכֵל וְכוּ

מִקְרָא זֶה נִדְרָשׁ בַּזֹּהַר, דִּמְרַמֵּז עַל הַנְּשָׁמָה, שֶׁנִּבְרֵאת לֵילֵךְ לְהַגּוּף לְתַקְּנָהּ וּלְקַשְּׁטָהּ בְּמַעֲשִׂים טוֹבִים; וּכְשֶׁהָאָדָם עוֹשֶׂה עֲבֵרָה וּפוֹגֵם אֶת נִשְׁמָתוֹ — אָז הַנְּשָׁמָה צוֹעֶקֶת אֶל ה' וְאוֹמֶרֶת: נְתָנַנִי ה' בִּידֵי לֹא אוּכַל קוּם! וְהַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא שׁוֹמֵעַ צַעֲקָתָהּ וְאוֹמֵר לָהּ: נְשָׁמָה, בִּתִּי הַחֲבִיבָה, מְגֻדֶּלֶת אַתְּ הָיִית בְּאוֹר הַכָּבוֹד תַּחַת כִּסֵּא כְּבוֹדִי וְנִקְרֵאת "בַּת חֲבִיבָה", וְהוֹרַדְתִּיךְ אֲנִי לְגוּף הָאָדָם, וְהָיִיתִי סוֹבֵר לְהַעֲלוֹתֵךְ לְמַעֲלוֹת מַעְלָה מַעְלָה בְּמַעֲשֵׂה הָאָדָם הַטּוֹב; וְעַכְשָׁו שֶׁחָטָא הָאָדָם, הִיא יְרִידָה לְךָ, שֶׁיָּרַדְתָּ מֵאִגְרָא רָמָא לְבִירָא עֲמִיקְתָּא, לְגוּף הָאָדָם, וְנִקְרָא הַנְּשָׁמָה עַכְשָׁו 'גְּרוּשָׁה', כִּי הַנְּשָׁמָה נִתְגָּרְשָׁה מִמְּקוֹמָהּ בְּעַל כָּרְחָהּ. וַה' יִתְבָּרַךְ שׁוֹמֵעַ צַעֲקָתָהּ וְנוֹטֵל הַנְּשָׁמָה מֵהַגּוּף וּמְצָרְפָהּ עַל יְדֵי דִּינִים. וְאַחַר כְּלוֹת הַצֵּרוּף וְהַדִּינִים הִיא מִתְעַנֶּגֶת וְאוֹכֶלֶת מֵעֹנֶג אָבִיהָ שֶׁבַּשָּׁמַיִם

It is written-- “And when the daughter of a Kohein shall be widowed or divorced, having no offspring, and she returns to her father’s house as in her youth…” (Vayikra 22:13) [and in the previous verse it is written,] “…she shall not eat of an offering of the holy things.”

According to the Zohar (2:95b; 3:7a) this is an allusion to the soul.

The soul was created to enter the body in order that it should be rectified and adorned with good deeds.

But when a person transgresses, he blemishes his soul, causing it to cry out to Hashem, saying, “Hashem has delivered me into the hands of one against whom I cannot stand” (Eichah 1:14).

When the Holy One Blessed is He hears this cry, He says to the soul, “My precious daughter, you were raised in illumination and honor beneath the Throne of Glory and were called, ‘precious daughter.’

"Then I lowered you into a human body, intending to elevate you to the highest levels through that human being’s good deeds. But now that he has sinned you have been degraded, plummeting from a lofty rooftop to the deep pit of the human body.”

At this point the soul becomes known as a “divorcee” because it is banished from its place against its will (“divorced” and “banished” are expressed by the same word in Hebrew).

But Hashem hears its cry and takes the soul from the body and purifies it though chastisements, after which it is able to relish the delights of its Heavenly Father.

See?

So yes, this scenario as written in the Torah provides us with guiding laws and insights.

But there is also the whole other hidden meaning described above, which seems unrelated to the straightfoward meaning, yet has everything to do with it.

And this still isn't even the whole meaning behind these verses. There's much more, but this is enough to make the point.

The above is just one of many reasons why rationalist arguments regarding the Torah fall short. The Torah and all it encompasses is far, far more than the 3 dimensions we perceive.

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How to Deal with Quickly Answered Prayers & Unanswered Prayers from the Kav Hayashar

14/8/2018

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In Chapter 64, the Kav Hayashar offers both comfort for unanswered prayers and guidance in prayer. The following contain just a few excerpts from that chapter:

Avoid Pride from Answered Prayers

דָּוִד הַמֶּלֶךְ עָלָיו הַשָּׁלוֹם כָּתַב בְּסֵפֶר תְּהִלִּים (ד, ב): "בְּקָרְאִי עֲנֵנִי אֱלֹהֵי צִדְקִי... חָנֵּנִי וּשְׁמַע תְּפִלָּתִי". נִרְאֶה לְפָרֵשׁ הַפָּסוּק עַל פִּי מַה שֶּׁאָמְרוּ רַבּוֹתֵינוּ זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה: כָּל הַמְבַקֵּשׁ רַחֲמִים בִּתְפִלָּתוֹ וְנַעֲנָה מִיָּד — אַל יִתְגָּאֶה בִּתְפִלָּתוֹ בִּשְׁבִיל כָּךְ, לַחֲשֹׁב בְּלִבּוֹ שֶׁהוּא צַדִּיק בַּאֲשֶׁר שֶׁנִּתְקַבֵּל תְּפִלָּתוֹ מִיָּד

King Dovid wrote in the book of Tehillim, “Answer me when I call out, God of my righteousness…, be gracious to me and hear my prayer” (4:2).

I believe this verse can be understood in light of the Sages teaching that if person’s prayers are answered immediately he must not become conceited and suppose it to be on account of his righteousness.

וְזֶהוּ כַּוָּנַת דָּוִד הַמֶּלֶךְ בְּאָמְרוֹ: בְּקָרְאִי עָנֵנִי, אֱלֹהֵי צִדְקִי, אָכֵן לֹא תֵּכֶף וּמִיָּד, אֶלָּא: חָנֵּנִי וּשְׁמַע תְּפִלָּתִי, וְאַחַר כָּךְ תֵּן וּתְמַלֵּא בַּקָּשָׁתִי

This is what King Dovid meant when he said, “Answer me when I call out, God of my righteousness.” That is, he did not wish to be answered immediately. He wished first to find grace and to have his prayer heard and only afterwards to have his request fulfilled.

So when Hashem answers us immediately, we shouldn't feel pride; we should feel pleasure. We should be grateful that Hashem loves us so much and so unconditionally despite our flaws.

Even a tzaddik like David Hamelech worried about his merits and whether he deserved Hashem's Compassion, so he first prayed "Chaneni - be gracious to me." He wished for Hashem's Grace despite his flaws, and then asked Hashem to hear him out.

Don't Despair of Unanswered Prayer

וְכֵן יַחֲשֹׁב הָאָדָם בְּדַעְתּוֹ, שֶׁאַף אִם הֶאֱרִיךְ בִּתְפִלָּתוֹ וְלֹא נַעֲנָה — לֹא יִתְיָאֵשׁ מִלְּהִתְפַּלֵּל עוֹד, כִּי אַדְּרַבָּה: הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא מִתְאַוֶּה לִתְפִלָּתוֹ כְּשֶׁהִיא בְּכַוָּנָה, דְּהַיְנוּ שֶׁיִּהְיֶה הַלֵּב יוֹדֵעַ לְכַוֵּן לְמַה שֶּׁהַפֶּה מְדַבֵּר

By the same token, a person who prays at length and is not answered should not despair of praying again.

For the Holy One Blessed is He does indeed desire his prayers but He desires that they be with proper intent. That is, the heart must concentrate and know what the mouth utters.

Sometimes it takes a long time for fulfillment of prayer. Even as it's frustrating or heartbreaking, repeated prayer offers the benefit of deepened humility and deeper introspection.

This is true even when the answer is "No."

After her son Nachshon was kidnapped and murdered by terrorists during a rescue attempt by Israeli commandos, Esther Wachsman noted that Jews prayed for 2000 years to come Home. The fact that we are able to live in Eretz Yisrael is the result of all those seemingly unanswered prayers.

"Eventually," she said, "the time comes for a prayer's fulfillment."

One of the commandos involved in the mission was a secular guy who told Nachshon's father:
"You know, you are probably wondering what happened to all the prayers and mitzvot and chapters of Tehillim everyone said for your son. But I'll tell you. Because we know exactly what happened to them. You see, when we were in that house holding your son, we all should have died. We have no idea how we were alive today...it should not have happened. You see, all of those prayers said for the Jewish soldier Nachshon Wachsman are the only reason any of us are alive today. Hashem took all those prayers and, for whatever reason, used them to save different soldiers."

Final Tips for Potent Prayers

הַכְּלָל הָעוֹלֶה מִפֶּרֶק זֶה: שֶׁטּוֹב לָאָדָם לְהִתְפַּלֵּל מְעַט בְּכַוָּנָה וּלְהָרִים יָדָיו וְאֶצְבָּעוֹתָיו בַּתְּפִלָּה וּבַבְּרָכוֹת וְהוֹדָאוֹת וּבִקְרִיאַת שְׁמַע וּבַתְּפִלָּה שֶׁל "וּבָא לְצִיּוֹן", וְיַרְחִיק עַצְמוֹ מִן הַגֶּזֶל וּמִמָּמוֹן שֶׁאֵינוֹ שֶׁל ישֶׁר — אֲזַי אֲנִי עָרֵב בַּעֲדוֹ, שֶׁחֵפֶץ ה' יַצְלִיחַ בְּיָדוֹ בָּעוֹלָם הַזֶּה, וּשְׂכָרוֹ יִהְיֶה כָּפוּל בָּעוֹלָם הַבָּא, כְּמַאֲמַר הַמְשׁוֹרֵר: וּמָאתַיִם לַנּוֹטְרִים אֶת פִּרְיוֹ

To summarize what we have learned in this chapter:
~It is better for a person to pray for a shorter amount of time with concentration than for a longer time without it.
~And let him raise his hands and fingers whenever he prays, utters blessings, gives thanks or recites the Shema or the prayer “And a redeemer will come.”
~Let him distance himself from theft and from all ill-gotten gain.

Then I will be his guarantor that Providence will cause him to prosper in this world and that his reward will be double in the next world. As it states, “And two hundred for those guarding its fruit” (Shir HaShirim 8:12).

May all our prayers be fulfilled l'tovah.

To see the original article on Nachshon Wachsman quoted above:
When God Says No - The Story of Nachshon Wachsman

To read a moving essay by his mother, Esther Wachsman:
His Name was Nachshon Wachsman

For more posts quoting the Kav Hayashar on various topics:
Inspirational Kav Hayashar

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The Kav Hayashar on Hitbodedut

13/8/2018

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The Kav Hayashar preceded Chassidus by decades and preceded Breslov by nearly a century. (Meaning, he could not have been influenced by any kind of Chassidus.)

Yet as is true throughout kabbalistic work, mussar masterpieces, and commentaries on Tanach and Talmud, the same fundamentals form a golden thread of Torah-Truth that runs through all of them.

The following is taken from Chapter 12 of the Kav Hayashar:

וְכֹה יַחְשֹׁב הָאָדָם בְּכָל יוֹם וָיוֹם בְּעֵת הִתְבּוֹדֵד, שֶׁצָּרִיךְ הָאָדָם לְהִתְבּוֹדֵד

(עַיֵּן פֶּרֶק א)

לְתַקֵּן חֲטָאָיו פְּשָׁעָיו בִּזְרִיזוּת. וְחִיּוּב גָּדוֹל הוּא לְהִתְבּוֹדֵד הֵיטֵב, וְאוּלַי עַל יְדֵי כֵּן יֵעָרֶה עָלָיו מִמָּרוֹם רוּחַ חָכְמָה וּבִינָה וָדַעַת וְיִרְאַת ה' לְהַדְרִיכוֹ בַּדֶּרֶךְ הַיְשָׁרָה, לְבַל יִמּוֹט מִדַּרְכֵי תּוֹרָתֵנוּ הַקְּדוֹשָׁה. וְאִלּוּ הָיִינוּ זוֹכִים בְּמַעֲשֵׂה יָדֵינוּ לְהַשָּׂגַת הָרִאשׁוֹנִים, הָיְתָה הַשָּׂגָתֵנוּ שְׁלֵמָה לְהַשִּׂיג חֶפְצֵנוּ וּמִשְׁאֲלוֹתֵינוּ לְטוֹבָה

Let a man reflect day in and day out, in the time that he sets aside for introspection (eit hitboded), that he must take himself aside and rectify his sins and transgressions with all alacrity (see Chapter One).

It is absolutely essential that a person introspect (l'hitboded) well, for then perhaps a spirit of wisdom, understanding, knowledge and fear of Heaven will come upon him from On High to guide him along the straight path and keep him from straying from the ways of our Holy Torah.

If only our deeds were pure enough to merit the understanding of earlier generations, then our comprehension would be complete and we would attain whatever we desired.

As you can see, the idea of hitbodedut is not an invention of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov and is not even an innovation of Chassidus. The Kav Hayashar mentions it by the familiar Hebrew word l'hitboded, utilizing it in the with which we're familiar.

Furthermore, it's clearly not something only for tzaddikim because the Kav Hayashar insists that it's a chiyuv hagadol, a great obligation (translated above as "absolutely essential"), for a person to introspect - l'hitboded - on a daily basis.

The Malbim on Hitbodedut

The Malbim on Melachim/Kings I 19:3-13 (the Haftarah for Parshat Pinchas) also uses the term l'hitboded to explain Eliyahu Hanavi's actions. Please click the following link to read about it:
What Eliyahu Hanavi's Self-Imposed Isolation Teaches Us

True, the Malbim came after Chassidus and Breslov, but he himself wasn't chassidish as far as I know. Yet his commentary on these verses sound a heck of a lot like the Kav Hayashar and core Breslov philosophy.

Even if the Malbim was inspired specifically by Breslov, he wouldn't include such ideas in his commentaries unless he fully agreed with them.

Hitbodedut: It's the Torah Way

The common thread running through Chazal of any era and of any ethnicity living anywhere in the world is a focus on daily self-scrutiny and pouring out your heart directly to Hashem.

And just in the interest of full disclosure:
Do I manage a full self-scrutiny every single day?

No. I want to. I'd like to. I know I'm obligated to.

But while I manage some kind of self-scrutiny, cheshbon hanefesh, teshuvah almost every day, a more thorough self-accounting sometimes occurs only on Shabbat. Or "just" 3 times a week. Or whatever. It depends.

Yet even once a week (or once a month) is a million-billion times better than doing it just once a year or not doing it at all.

And the above gives me the chizuk to keep at it, even though I'm far from perfect about it.

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The True History of Women's Work

12/8/2018

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In the frum world, people like to romanticize the Yiddishe mama who enjoyed nothing more than tending to her mikdash me'at, her home and family.

And this was true about some women, but for others it was a mix of ups and downs with regard to how they felt.

Since time immemorial, women based their identity on their roles as mothers and wives. (Case in point: In the not-so-distant past, American wives registered themselves as Mrs. Wayne Johnson, and so on.)

Marriage and parenthood were important goals in both the Jewish and non-Jewish worlds for both men and women.

In the Jewish world, unmarried women and childless women were pitied (as were unmarried men and childless men, for that matter) and they themselves experienced deep anguish from their lack of spouse or lack of children. Anything that interfered with an upcoming wedding (such as a missing dowry, etc) caused a crisis. Jews invested copious prayers and blessings from tzaddikim to change an unmarried or childless state.

Yet things changed in the last couple of generations.

And no matter how hard they've tried, many frum Jewish women end up feeling frustrated at not being able to recapture and fulfill the romanticized image erected on the pedestal of pa'am (the olden golden days of yore).

When frum women turn for guidance, they're often told "things have changed" and "today's women just can't be satisfied being housewives."

And with that, women are encouraged toward careers and all sorts of pastimes (there's a chug for every inclination!), all the while being reminded to "put family first."

Yet this never made sense to me.

If a women's innate nature has always found joy and satisfaction in being elbow-deep in scrubbing soiled cloth diapers against a washboard or cooking over coals or dealing with all her family in a home of just one or two rooms and finding fulfillment in dealing with toddlers all day, then why can't we recapture that?

After all, it's innate NATURE.

Could it be that innate nature changed so much?

But after talking to people who actually lived in such times, reading memoirs and autobiographical anecdotes, and looking into Chazal, I realized that nature hasn't changed.

Focus has changed. Values have changed.

But maternal nature actually hasn't.

Chore Delegation

Whenever given the choice and the financial capability, women almost always chose to delegate their responsibilities to hired help.

True, sometimes a woman performed a chore herself IF she felt the hired help wouldn't do it properly. But barring that, women delegated their responsibilities to others.

Wealthy women even delegated feeding to wet nurses.

So if the above are true (and they are), then what of the airbrushed picture of the frum Jewish housewife living in poverty, her heart brimming with joy in her duties?

What Changed, Exactly?

First of all, if you grew up as 1 of 8 kids in a hut in 19th-Century Poland, then that was normal life for you. In fact, your initial years of marriage (with just you, hubby, and the first couple of babies) may even have felt like a break after having grown up crammed with so many other people in such a small space and all the work that entailed.

You may have sometimes dreamed of a nicer home with servants, but that wasn't so realistic, so you just made do with what you had -- which is exactly what you were used to anyway AND exactly how everyone around you lived.

So you did what you were raised to do and what everyone around you did, and you tried to do it with a good attitude.

Although not everyone managed to keep a smile on their face.

In her autobiography, Gutta: Memoirs of a Vanished World, Gutta recalls sympathetically the impoverished Jewish woman who lived in cramped airless conditions with little light and extracted little with which to nurture their children.

In fact, a major part of Gutta's work as a Beis Yaakov teacher was to provide her more impoverished students with the nurturing, affection, and attention they lacked at home.

Another autobiography hinted at how a constant state of hunger challenged the middot of an otherwise loving mother, noting that when the family's economic standing improved, the mother was much calmer and more pleasant.

But either way, this is radically different than today's world.

In Western society today, people don't necessarily grow up with children around them. Four children is already considered a big family by many people today. Some girls babysit, but a lot don't.

I didn't say that people don't grow up with babies or small children at all, but it's certainly not how it used to be.

Today, you don't spend your life with there always being a baby or toddler around. And even if your immediate family didn't have a baby or toddler around, your extended family members and your older married siblings did.

Particularly coming from the secular world, many new mothers need to be taught numerous tasks that you see preteen girls performing for their younger siblings in the frum world.

Another difference is attitude.

Many women feel that the chores, the cooking, and the demands of their children are demeaning somehow.

Yes, women of yore also felt exhausted and frustrated by it all. They may have wished they could afford a cook, a nanny, and a housekeeper. But they didn't feel like they should be doing something "better." Particularly for frum women, what was better or more important than your home and family?

If you've grown up with just one or two siblings (and each of you in your own room, naturally), and everyone occupied in various ways with toys and gadgets and videos, and without any cultural emphasis or appreciation of housework and child care, then entering into marriage and motherhood presents quite a challenge.

It's nothing you're used to.

Adding to that is that American society is not a child-oriented society. For all its safety regulations for children and promotion of the health and happiness of children, it's really not child-oriented. I only noticed this once I'd entered the frum community in America and then when I came to Israel, which is a very child-oriented society. After seeing this difference, I realized that America really isn't into children and doesn't really know how to relate to them or to mothers. Of course, there are some exceptions, but in general, America is not child-oriented. (Also in contrast to American society, I think Russians are child-oriented, culturally speaking. Maybe in a different way than Israelis are child-oriented, but Russians still have more of a child-orientation than most Americans.)

Anyway, I'm not even sure "child-oriented" is the exact term to describe what I mean, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

Of particular concern are today's teens who spend so much time on their phones in their rooms. Studies show that today's teens are less likely to go out to even traditional fun events for teens, like shopping, getting a drivers license, partying, and more. Because of diminished physical interaction, homicide is down among teens -- but suicide is up.

After spending a good chunk of your life on your phone in virtual relationships, how will it feel to get up at night for a child or to read books together or deal with potty-training and spoon-feeding or driving to pick up groceries, buy baby clothes, or take a child to the park? How will it feel to have to coordinate life with a spouse?

Because of this drastic change in cultural norms, many women find housework and motherhood overwhelming.

They simply aren't used to it.

It doesn't feel right.

On the contrary, it may even feel all wrong.

Cracking the Myth of the Never-Working Woman

Surprising truth: There have always been working women, including working mothers.

No, not in droves as they do today. And not with the variety of employment opportunities women enjoy today. (Men, for that matter, also enjoy a far wider variety of employment opportunities than ever before.)

But there have ALWAYS been women who earned money and engaged in work outside their family responsibilities.

In Caddie Woodlawn, Caddie's mother raised turkeys to sell every November, usually making a nice profit from that.

Almanzo Wilder's mother turned a nice profit by selling her butter.

As a married woman herself, Laura Ingalls Wilder attempted to supplement the family income by selling her own butter and eggs. Later, she wrote articles for a local farm publication and then her bestselling books.

Women worked as nurses, midwives, seamstresses, laundresses, helped their husband run the family store, taught school (as long as they weren't married), babysat, helped their husband with his business (sometimes as a full and very successful partner, including successfully taking over the business if the husband died or was incapacitated), and more.

In addition, working women are mentioned in Chazal.

The Working Woman of Valor

In the famous section of Mishlei, Eishet Chayil (A Woman of Valor), Shlomo Hamelech describes a woman who makes a sheet and sells it in Mishlei 31:29.

Metzudat David explains it to mean a woman who makes sheets for her own needs, then sells the surplus.

Ralbag describes a woman who made sheet, which she then passes on to a merchant to sell on her behalf in order for her to acquire capital buy "all that her soul desires."

Malbim explains that she wove both a sheet and a belt, which she then sold to a merchant. Then she distributed her earnings to the poor, creating for herself spiritual garments to don when she eventually leaves her physical garments, enabling her to indeed be "clothed in oz and hadar and laugh on her last day." (Nice peirush, eh?)

The Ben Ish Chai also recommends that women who earn their own money use it to ease the financial burden of her husband (by buying her own cosmetics and personal needs) and distribute money to the poor.

Prior to that verse, 31:16 describes a woman who examines a field and purchases it. Metzudat David, Ibn Ezra, Ralbag, and Malbim all explain this to mean an intelligent business woman, and interpret the following verses as proof of her financial acumen and success (i.e., the yield of the field is good, and which enables her to acquire a vineyard, etc.), which allows her to ease things for her husband and provide for the poor of her community.

Both the Malbim in 31:18 explains that she works for her actual needs, without making a career out of it. Malbim says: "Gam lo tiyached mischara rak b'avor ha'arev v'hamo'eel l'tzorech atzmah" -- She won't make the business something special and stand-out (tiyached is like meyuchad), just what is pleasant and useful for her specific needs.

Metzudat David 31:19 explains that even as she puts her mind to business, mikol makom lo zazah mimalechet nashim -- nonetheless, she doesn't move on from women's work; she still tends to her domestic duties.

Interestingly, the Sages advise/assume that a married woman's earnings go toward her own needs (so that she can ease her husband's burden) and toward tzedakah & gemilut chasedim.

This apparently is their ideal for the working wife & mother of valor.

Real Stories of Domestic Struggles

In Colonial America, Massachusetts midwife Martha Ballard kept a diary during the years 1785-1812.

Martha only started midwifery after her own childbearing years were long past and she could rely on her young adult daughters to run the home while she was at a delivery. After those daughters married, Martha relied on hired help, which was not nearly as reliable as her daughters.

Based on what she describes in her diary, Martha prefers gardening and delivering babies to housework.

This is clearly not an influence from the feminist movement or modern mores, but an innate personal preference.

In fact, many modern women can relate to her description upon returning home in 1796 from her 612th delivery:

“I returned home and find my house up in arms. How long will G-d preserve my strength to perform as I have done of late, He only knows. May I trust in Him at all times and do good...May He give me strength...”

"Up in arms" paints an image of a house weaponized against its owner. One pictures Martha arriving at home only to encounter unfolded laundry aiming a shot gun or dust bunnies armed with tomahawks.

Two years later, she again wrote of coming home at 10 a.m.:

“...find my house alone and in arms. Did not find time to sit down until 2 p.m.”

Yet another time, she was called for a delivery in the middle of butchering a calf. She came back a day later to find the kitchen still a bloody mess with the calf head lying where she left it. Neither her husband nor her 2 sons still living at home had tended to things in her working absence.

Due to the strenuous journeys Martha sometimes needed to make to arrive at a delivery on time, she noted that she arrived at work "almost fatigued to death."

The above are probably familiar sentiments for some working wives or mothers.

Yet while Martha found domestic duties a burden, she still felt they were important.

Another example:
One of my relatives, born in the South just after America's Civil War, wrote a long poem in 1934 about her struggle to face the daily question of "What's for dinner?"

Here are 3 excerpts from that poem (the original contains a stanza for each day of the week):

The Dinner Question

"What shall we have for dinner?"
Is the eternal cry.
Every day it is the same
There is no getting by.
***
Monday - Hurry with the washing!
Have the water boiling hot.
But what shall we have for dinner?
I really don't care what.
***
So it is the year around,
The same old cry I hear:
"What shall we have for dinner?"
Until my mind is not quite clear.

She preceded feminism and even WWII's Rosie the Riveter. So she wasn't affected by feminist thought or attitudes. Like a lot of us, she finds dinner a challenge, made even more challenging by the more labor-intensive preparation necessary before modern appliances became common.

However, she didn't find it demeaning or unfair. She just didn't feel up to all the time, especially as she aged -- and especially on days packed with other labor-intensive demands, like laundry day.

So the modern working woman who doesn't feel like putting together dinner after a hard day's work isn't so different than this old-time Southern woman who also didn't feel like putting together dinner after a hard day's work.

Don't Give Up!

What's the point of reading all this?

Well, I feel like women today can end up feeling second-rate.

Why?

Not because of the new and worse value system or emphasis or focus.

Focus and values CAN be changed. It takes some work, depending on your personality and background influences, but they can be changed.

But many frum women feel second-rate because of their actual feelings.

There's a fairy tale that women performed all their domestic duties with a song in their heart and a dance in their step, with Jewish women practically swooning from the uplifting holiness of working in their mikdash me'at.

Yes, women experienced fulfillment.

Yes, there were aspects they enjoyed.

And yes, their domestic responsibilities were important to them.

But again, that doesn't mean that they never felt overwhelmed, exhausted, fed up, or frustrated similar to how you feel sometimes.

They did!

And whenever possible, they usually hired someone else to fulfill these duties.

(Although it's important to note that even when a mother hired a nanny or a wet-nurse, the mother was around. She was able to oversee both her child and her child's caretaker. Passing one's very young child into another's care - especially into a group situation - AND being far from them is a modern construct.)

You're not second-rate or "not good enough" because you struggle to feel the holiness of mopping your floors or because you're desperate to hire someone else to clean the bathrooms or because you send your 2-year-old out to gan.

You're not second-rate or "not good enough" because you prefer reading a book to making dinner.

You're not second-rate or "not good enough" because you feel the need for a paying job in addition to your domestic responsibilities. ("Zamama sadeh v'tikachehu..." 31:18)

Like I said, FEELINGS haven't changed much over time.

I think that because women are taught that their feelings make them second-rate, it's part of why it is so hard for some women to invest in their families and homes.

They think that "things have changed" and are impossible to resolve.

So why even bother trying?

Therefore, this post is here to VALIDATE your feelings.

You're actually not so different than the women of yore.

Nor are you hopeless.

Don't despair.

Then vs Now: The Conclusion

So to sum up:

A woman's main focus was on her home. THAT'S what's changed.
But women's feelings toward domestic responsibilities haven't changed so much.
Whenever possible, women generally tried to delegate ALL her domestic responsibilities to others.
A frum women prized both her housework and a good attitude...
...but depending on her situation, she didn't always succeed in doing so.
Many women weren't content with housework and childcare alone; they needed more.
You're not second-rate or not good enough if you don't enjoy housework or childcare.
Girls raised to value domestic responsibilities find them easier to bear as women.
Societal mores create difficult struggles and despair for women today.
It's okay and even natural if you don't find housework & childcare so enthralling.
Don't despair of yourself. You're not nearly as bad/hopeless/meh as you may have been led to believe.

Finally, there is a world of difference between feeling like you want servants or nannies because you're tired, overwhelmed, and don't enjoy the work...and feeling like you want servants or nannies because the job just "isn't for you" or it's beneath you and you should be doing something "better" and "more important."

Do you see the difference?

Modern feminism inserted the "more important" bug into women's brains.

THAT'S the attitude that's changed.

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How to Exchange Light with Your Fellow Jew

10/8/2018

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In the book of Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender's lectures, Words of Faith, he refers to the importance of giving and receiving "light" to and from other people.

In fact, he says this is one of the key reasons for interacting with other people:
to receive their light and to shine your own light on them.

And the way to do this is by doing 2 things:

focus on their good points and allow them to focus on your good points
speak in fear of Heaven

On page 376, Vol I, Rav Bender quotes Rebbe Nachman from Likutei Moharan:

The entire matter of talking with friends is as the Rebbe writes in Lesson 34:

"Each person should speak to his friend in fear of Heaven. In order to receive inspiration from his friend's special point that he doesn't have...This point is the aspect of 'Tzaddik' relative to his friend. It shines to the other's heart."

Rav Bender goes on to explain:

This is the whole point of speaking among friends:

To unearth and illuminate your friend's unique good points.

And to shine to him from your special point.

But not more than this...For there is no one around now who has the power to hear another's secrets without causing him to feel down.

It can make him discouraged. The benefit is outweighed by the loss.

I don't claim to fully understand this concept, but I feel I've experienced it.

Many times, I've been impressed or touched by another person.

It doesn't matter that the person isn't a tzaddik--or maybe the person is even far from being a tzaddik. There is still something about them that touches you. Even as you see their negative behaviors and the mistakes they make, there's some aspect of sympathy due to their good points.

Probably you've experienced a similar dynamic with people with whom you've interacted.

And this also explains a lot about our close family relationships.

With children, for example, we see their not-so-great traits and even feel driven nuts by them at times, yet at the same time, we feel like they're so special and we really believe in their potential and their future.

Their light shines on us as parents.

And I think this explains another dynamic, a negative one.

Light-Blockers

People who are arrogant, narcissistic, feel superior to others instinctively want to shine out their own light without receiving light from others.

Yet how can they shine light on you in the right amounts and best quality when they refuse to absorb light from others?

Their refusal to receive affects the amount and quality of their own light, making it weaker than it should be.

And I think this may be why it feels so dehumanizing to be around them. They start blinding you with their own light (which is of limited size and quality), yet when your light starts to shine out on them, it's like they throw up a shield to block you.

So it's as if they're the only source of light while you're reduced to just a dark blob of tohu.

Yet it's not true. You're not just some lightless blob.

You've got beautiful light of your own!

The exchange of light needs to happen for both your sakes.

How Might the Exchange of Light Work?

Perhaps it can be understood as a metaphor.

Let's say you possess a beautiful yellow light. Then you meet someone with a beautiful blue light.

When you shine your light on each other and the exchange occurs, then you absorb their blue light, which also creates a green light (yellow+blue=green).

Also, your light increases due to the influence of the other's light.

So the next person you encounter gains from your previous exchange because not only do you have your own yellow light to shine on them, but you have some of the blue light absorbed from the previous exchange, plus some green light created by that exchange.

And you also further gain from whatever light that person has to offer.

So in order for the exchange to occur properly, you must be ready to receive and not only give.

The Power of Receiving Light

Real talmidei chachamim spend large parts of their lives absorbing the light of Torah as they sit in front of a Gemara to learn and learn.

Actually, any Torah you learn sculpts you into a receptacle of the best-quality light and however much you internalize it, all the better (even if you aren't tzaddik or gadol).

As humble scholars, they absorb the light of Rashi, of Rebbe Akivah, of Moshe Rabbeinu, and many more.

As humble people, they receive the light of those they meet and possess tremendous light to shine on others.

True Story #1
For example, my husband and I went for an energy treatment from a frum man who could also see auras. He explained how he'd been trying to heal a problem he spotted in his daughter's aura, but wasn't able.

Yet upon attending a Torah shiur by a genuine talmid chacham, either Rav Elyashiv or Rav Ganz (he couldn't remember which), he noticed a beautiful golden light emanating from the rav during the shiur. As the shiur continued, the frum man watched as this beautiful golden light expanded up and out from the rav, expanding further until it enveloped all those present.

When the shiur ended, this man still felt the effects of this golden aura and upon arriving home, he decided to try healing his daughter's aura again. This time, he was successful.

But he attributes this healing to the light he received from the great talmid chacham, and not his own abilities.

True Story #2
I can't see auras at all, but even before I knew anything about auras, I remember sitting in a rebbetzin's class and sensing an energy from her that expanded up and then settled back on her when she finished the class. And not just one time either, but most times I sat in her class. I was also very influenced by her; she has had a profound impact on my hashkafah. She's one of the more popular teachers out there, and many people find it very easy to stay present and not daydream during her classes, which are never boring. She's a very learned person and when she teaches, she's absorbed in the Torah sources & concepts.

I think she's giving out a certain energy without even realizing it.

True Story #3
Finally, I noticed that sitting with other mothers in the park as a group was not so enjoyable for me. Something always felt "off," even though everyone was very nice.

But when I sat with any woman one-on-one and the conversation took a more spiritual turn, then I always felt a profound influence and connection from her.

For example, I found myself sitting on a bench next to a well-off woman who obviously invested a lot in her appearance and her home decor. We were chatting small talk and then I accidentally mentioned how bad I felt about myself compared to other people, based on things others had said to me.

Immediately, I regretted having made myself vulnerable in such a way, especially to such a "perfect" lady. Why couldn't I restrain myself better?

Yet she turned to face me and looked deeply into my eyes, and started giving me chizuk by explaining that such people were like balloons of air that deflate with the smallest prick of a pin, and therefore, I need not take their "insights" to heart.

She backed up her words by quoting Mishlei (Proverbs). This happened over a decade ago, but I still remember it because she spoke from her heart to my heart.

Most of all, I remember how I felt like I'd been rebuilt because of her heartfelt caring, even though we barely knew each other. It was true chizuk (strengthening) because I indeed felt like a crumbling building that had suddenly become fortified by her words and her concern.

I really feel the truth of Rav Bender's words: When you talk with another Jew in words of Torah and chizuk (and neither of you needs to be a talmid chacham or a tzaddik at all!), you truly absorb their light.

Let God Facilitate the Exchange of Light

As far as I can tell, the exchange of light needs to flow without too much meddling.

Meaning, you can't decide what kind of light the other person needs. You can't decide that what you're giving them is light (maybe you think it's lovely light but they receive it as eviscerating fire) or that it's the type of light they need. That's up to Hashem.

(Like maybe you've got red and blue light to give and they need your red light because they've already got tons of blue light, but you in your great ego believe that they need your blue light -- metaphorically speaking, of course. Either way, you need to allow the exchange to happen without meddling with it too much.)

And I think that it's not enough to just see the good point; you need to admire it in order to absorb its light.

Meaning, it's not enough to feel a half-hearted, "Oh, she's nothing special and not so smart, but at least she's okay with her kids."

It's better to really look at how dedicated she is to her kids (even if she's still impatient or fed-up at times), and really admire how much she's willing to stretch herself for their sakes.

Even if you're overall better than another person, perhaps they contain a facet that outshines one of your facets in the same area.

For example, I knew someone who emoted a lot and loudly, which wore out others, yet she was an incredible baalat chessed and performed the chessed in a purposeful wholehearted manner.

So maybe you're calmer and more considerate of others than she, but you can also admire how she's willing to frequently babysit the difficult children of a mentally ill mother during their parents' divorce -- a chessed you admire, but maybe aren't able to take on yourself.

Conclusion

Anyway, this is just my conjecturing.

Of course, the core concept of possessing "light" and the necessity to both shine light on others and be shined upon by others -- that's from Rav Bender. That's a fact.

However, the conjecturing and metaphors of how that all might work is just based on my own stuff, like what I've read and observed as described above.

So I'll leave you with Rav Bender's words from page 377:

It is possible to relate to everyone equally without giving precedence.

Because they each have a special point.

There is no reason to know about the bad. If so -- all are equal.

It is possible to love and honor every Jew. The benefit from this is tremendous.

Even when it's hard to do, it's definitely the right goal.

And whatever progress you can make in this direction is very precious.

Related post:
Human Interaction & The Secret of Light

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2 Posts for Prayers & the Oncoming School Year

9/8/2018

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This is really late to be posting about praying for the upcoming school year (which starts on Sunday for many frum children), but here it is anyway (because I forgot until now):

A Short Yet Powerful Tefillah for Our Children

How Praying for Your Child Can Work

May all our children enjoy a school year brimming with bracha and hatzlacha and good health!

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The Roller Coaster of Family Life

9/8/2018

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It's funny (and hopefully surprisingly pleasant) how things work out sometimes.

For example, school vacation is often a bit of a challenge for me (as it is for many parents). Yes, there are a lot of fun and geshmak moments, but stressful stuff happens too.

So I wasn't sure how this summer vacation would go.

For the past few years, some or all of my older kids like to stay up most of the night during vacations. But their talking and moving around the apartment sometimes woke me up or even worse, woke up the youngest, who until this past year had been an inconveniently light sleeper.

(They didn't mean to be noisy; they thought they were being quiet enough. And if the youngest woke up, they offered to take care of him so I could go back to sleep. So not bad kids at all.)

And as far as the daily routine with my 3-year-old before this summer break?

Well, this past year, my 3-year-old would come home from gan and then it was a struggle to keep him occupied until the evening. We went to the park or shopping many times. Baruch Hashem, he walks well and has been one of my best kids about holding my hand; he doesn't even want to run off, which is a huge chessed. So it's just a matter of hopping on a bus with no need to lug a stroller. We also read books. And during the last month, we sometimes hosted a friend from gan in the afternoons, along with the friend's helpful older brother.

But still. It was a lot of hours and it was every single day. And the truth is that I don't always feel like reading preschool books or going out or being responsible for both my child and someone else's.

My 3-year-old is also a real screamer whenever he wants anything. (This has been a big adjustment for me because I succeeded in being mechanech the rest of my kids not to cry, scream, or tantrum. I guess Hashem is showing me that it wasn't my successful chinuch, but His that enabled success until now -- thanks, Hashem!) My 3-year-old has been that way since he was born. Even as a newborn, he immediately screamed for all he was worth upon waking up at night for a feeding, instead of starting out with little baby whimpers or crying like most babies do.

So I was looking toward this summer vacation with both hope and trepidation.

Yet I forgot to take into account how happy my 3-year-old is when his older siblings are around. He's really bored without them and that was part of the problem during the year; his siblings mostly aren't around until the evening or until Shabbat.

He's quite attached to me, but I guess that a middle-aged mother just isn't nearly as much fun as a teenage brother -- no surprise there, eh?

So it ended up that my 3-year-old has been so happy and well-occupied these weeks. In fact, he has never been easier! The other kids have been in and out on various hiking trips up North, swimming, yeshivat bein hazmanim, and work (depending which kid). Some still hang out in the living room at night when they should be sleeping, but for whatever the reason, it hasn't disturbed my own sleep (or their little brother's sleep) this time -- baruch Hashem.

Also, one child got a new job with a better chevra (working with a Breslover chassid instead of Christians and Muslims as he was before) and more interesting work that involves a lot of traveling and perks. (For example, after finishing up work at a naval base, his Breslov boss decided that as long as they were by the sea, they should go swimming and enjoy the beach for the rest of the evening.) He also works more normal, consistent hours than he did before.

So that's been a big bracha and positive change.

Needless to say, there can still be a lot of mess and noise and occasional sibling friction, but it feels normal, not overwhelming.

So oddly enough, I feel like I could use another week of what has ended up being a real vacation, instead of starting back to school on Sunday.

And now, I'm dreading this. I actually wish summer vacation would keep going on...

My 3-year-old will start a new gan in the same school his brothers attended. We know the teacher because he taught 2 of our children, and they loved him. (They also came home with Yemenite accents because that's how this teacher speaks, which is very heartwarming and something to look forward to with this child too.)

But our 3-year-old has never transitioned well in anything since he was born, and tends to fight any change with all his little might. So he'll be in a new place with a new teacher and riding to school in a hired van with strangers instead of being escorted by a family member. (Yes, we'll take him to school the first couple of days, but after that, it's the hired van.)

Oh, and I forgot to mention that he gets sick easily, more than all my other kids. When adjusting to gan this past year (with a ganenet who invested her heart in him), he was constantly getting sick for the first couple of months. (Until the age 2.5, he'd been at home with me.) Plus he's erratic and stubborn with his wake/sleep cycles, so despite gan hours being from 8AM-1PM, we often only managed to get him to gan around 10.

So I'm REALLY dreading the start of this new school year. Yes, I've been davening to Hashem that he transitions well, but with his screaming, physical strength, and tendency to get sick especially when stressed, I'm really not sure how this is going go. I'm wondering if I'm facing a very stressful month ahead, a month which will demand a lot of me both physically and emotionally.

But maybe Hashem will pleasantly surprise me again.

This is when a person finds herself in that no-man's land:
I know that whatever will be will be for our best benefit. Even all the stressful stuff with him before was for our benefit (even as it sometimes drove me to tears and overwhelming anxiety).

But at the same time, I'm really dreading going through everything again, with the extra pressure of dealing with a greater distance and transportation and less flexibility regarding times, etc.

On the other hand, there's so much to be grateful for: We know the teacher and we know he's so good with this age, we know our child will enjoy playing with other boys and learning new things. We like the school. The van hired for transport seems responsible.

So there's what my mind knows and what my heart feels. And they're at odds.

We'll see how things go.

And however it goes...gam zu l'tovah!

(At least that's what I plan to keep telling myself, even if I have to grit my teeth to say it. ;-)

I'm pretty sure this photo of these precious Jewish boys learning Torah was taken in Yemen.

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Exclusive "Duties of the Heart" Cheshbon Hanefesh Workbook on Sale for Elul

9/8/2018

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Last year saw the first appearance of the following workbook:

30 Ways to Make Your Soul Shine: A Guide to Making a Self-Accounting Based on Rabbeinu Bachya's Classic "Duties of the Heart."

Thank you very much to everyone who purchased it!

To learn more about how it evolved and what it's can do for you, please keep scrolling down.

To open in another tab or download PDF sample chapters, please press the blue button:

Soul Shine Sample Chapters

To order, please click any of the following:
Amazon Barnes & Noble Book Depository

The above sample chapters and purchase outlets also appear permanently on this blog's sidebar.

I'm indebted to both Feldheim's excellent English translation & Rabbi Yosef Sebag's excellent English translation of Chovot Halevavot, (Duties of the Heart) along with his English translations of its commentaries. Extremely useful in understanding this all-important mussar classic!

Please click the following to check it out:
Excellent English translation of Chovot Halevavot plus commentaries

(The following post is an updated version of the post that appeared a year ago.)

Throughout the years, I’ve read Rabbeinu Bachya’s Cheshbon Hanefesh ("Self-Accounting" or "Soul Accounting") within Chovot Halevavot (Duties of the Heart) several times, but always got stuck as if it couldn’t penetrate my brain.

Every few years, I looked at it anew hoping that wherever I was holding anew in my frumkeit and advancing knowledge would finally reveal to me what I didn’t perceive before.

But to my puzzlement, it remained the same impenetrable chapter.

My problem was that instead of it reading as I thought a self-accounting should read, it contained urging after urging to “contemplate this” and “contemplate that,” or “imagine that you didn’t have this” and “imagine that you had something else instead.”

It seemed to be a convoluted way of merely counting your blessings.

Where were the middot I needed to scrutinize, the transgressions I needed to root out?

What I only realized much later was that my own mind was too narrow.

I got stuck on what I thought a cheshbon hanefesh was supposed to be and couldn’t see Rabbeinu Bachya’s view of what a chesbon hanefesh really is.

It was only after I read Rav Shalom Arush’s book on saying thank you (Garden of Gratitude) that the light bulb went on.

Contemplating Hashem’s Goodness along with the Unfathomable Wisdom with which He created the human soul, human mind, and human body leads to teshuvah and avodat hamiddot.

In other words, gratitude on its own is transformational.

Sure, there are a few cheshbonot in which Rabbeinu Bachya describes what you’d conventionally consider a “cheshbon.” But mostly, it’s “contemplate the different parts and organs of your body, how smoothly they all function, and how your bones and sockets fit so perfectly together.”

Rabbeinu Bachya guides you to start at the root: become a good person...NOW.

Had I just sat down and started doing any of the 30 techniques he details within, I would’ve automatically become less bitter, more expanded, more attuned to what I was doing wrong, and increased my overall emuna.

But I’m the type of person who likes to understand how and why something works before I start. This is usually a good tendency. Yet sometimes, the best way to understand something is to just do it. And with a tzaddik on the level of Rabbeinu Bachya, I have nothing to fear. It’s okay to just trust his guidance and take the leap.

So I finally took the leap, but felt I would manage better if I could break each technique down to the steps detailed within. Then I wished I could organize it into a workbook form because I needed to make it even more concrete in order to get my head around it.

Then I thought, if I’m going to make a workbook anyway, why not make it available to a wider audience?

And that's how 30 Ways to Make Your Soul Shine: A Workbook Guide to Making a Self-Accounting Based on Rabbeinu Bachya's Classic "Duties of the Heart" was born. (Sample pages available for download both above & below.)

I’m not the only person who has read mussar sefarim and come away feeling perplexed or dissatisfied because I couldn’t figure out how to do what they suggested.

The thing is, you just have to jump in (which is hard if you're like me).

Either with paper & pen or with your mouth, just do what they say. Meaning, if they say “contemplate,” do it verbally or manually (like with a pencil and paper), and not just mentally.

My big disclaimer is that the workbook falls very short of what you could do for each technique if you just sat down and did it. Really, you could spend 30-60 minutes on each technique, either talking it through with Hashem or doing a stream-of-consciousness freewrite. So if you don’t need the workbook, then GREAT. That’s ideal; you’ll get more out of it. But if you ran into the same issues I did, then this workbook can help you get more out of it than you would otherwise.

Note: It's fine if you don't fill out every single line of the workbook, if you fill out only one page, or if most of it ends up blank. In the spiritual world, even the tiniest baby step reaps tremendous results, whether you sense them or not. Any good act you perform can never be erased. So if you write down only one thing to be grateful for, only one organ you appreciate in your body, or whatever, that is very powerful and stays with you forever...whether you feel this or not.

Rabbeinu Bachya himself did not state any order and he stressed the need for each person to do it according to one’s individual level and situation.

So there is a lot of room for flexibility and no room for guilt or pressure.

Practical Stuff

Right now, it’s being offered on Amazon a special low price.

(It is currently available at several of the Amazon sites in that country's currency of pound or euro.)

I'm publishing it under the name "Myrtle Rising."

There is a glossary of all non-English terms to make the workbook accessible for everyone.
Each cheshbon includes suggestions if you get stuck.

Table of Contents
Introduction

Gratitude Owed to Hashem as Your Rescuer and Benefactor
Gratitude Owed to Hashem for Your Physical Body
Gratitude Owed to Hashem for Your Intellect
Gratitude Owed to Hashem for the Torah
Your Obligation to Resist being Superficial
Your Obligation to Obey Hashem out of a Sense of Gratitude
Your Obligation to Serve Hashem out of Gratitude
Your Obligation to Serve Hashem with Gratitude and Sincerity
Your Responsibility to Perform Mitzvot with Enthusiasm
Remembering the Attention Hashem Lavishes on You
An Accounting of Your Gifts and How You Use Them
Redirecting Your Pursuit of the Physical World
Your Obligation to Avoid Wasting Time
Using Gratitude to Prevent a Spider Web
How to Prepare for Your Ultimate Journey
Reflections When Remembering Another’s Death
The Benefits of Solitude
Your Very Greatness as a Human Being Obligates You in Humility
Gratitude toward Hashem When Bad Things DON’T Happen
Your Obligation to Cultivate a Healthy Attitude toward Money
Asking for Hashem’s Help
Loving Your Fellow as Yourself
Gratitude to Hashem regarding Natural Occurrences
Looking at the Torah through “New” Eyes
Minimizing the Material while Maximizing the Spiritual
Really Feeling Hashem as King
Thanking Hashem for What Seems Bad
Complete Acceptance of Hashem’s Will
The Greatness of Your Soul Over Your Body and Other Attributes
Recognition of Your True Position in This World

Glossary

Sample Pages
I've included the Introduction and the first 15 Cheshbonot, and Cheshbon #21 because #21 is the only one I saw fit to get artistic about.

Sample PDF Soul Shine Chapters

Thank you more than I can say.

May we all have a lot of hatzlacha in scrubbing our souls.

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The Ultimate Right of Every Jewish Soul

8/8/2018

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In the book of Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender’s lectures, Words of Faith Vol. I pages 382-383, Rav Bender mentions the opposition of his fellow Jews to his community’s tolerance of some truly awful sinners in their midst.

At the urging of the holy Rav Avraham Chazan of the Breslov shul, Rav Bender and all the rest allowed brazen sinners (including a murderer) and vulgar boors to attend shul davening.

Good Jews throughout the area disparaged them for this.

But neither Rav Bender nor Rav Avraham Chazan took offense. They understood the opposition while understanding the underlying spiritual dynamics regarding the sinners in their midst—unrefined Jews who, for some reason, still wanted to come to shul.

Yet after everyone witnessed—and even benefitted from—the blazing transformation of the murderer, the Jews of Uman realized the righteousness of the path trod by Rav Bender and Rav Avraham Chazan:

“Those who bring Jews close as long as the title Jew is called upon them. Those who preach that there is no giving up, and no outcast shall be pushed away.

Even total reshaim can be transformed into complete tzaddikim—as we saw with our own eyes many times.”

To bolster this view, Rav Bender points out that halacha itself doesn’t differentiate:

“Concerning murder, there is no difference if someone murders the biggest tzaddik or the biggest rasha. For both crimes, he is equally called a murderer. Punishment is equal for both.”

(Just to be clear: There are cases in which it’s permissible to kill a rasha. Rav Bender doesn’t mean those cases. He’s referring to actual impermissible murder.)

And if you think about that lack of discrimination, it’s very interesting.

The halachically prescribed punishment is exactly the same, whether someone murdered a tzaddik or whether someone murdered a sinful boor. For example, halacha doesn’t demand an extra painful execution for the murderer of a tzaddik. Nor does halacha say that the murderer of a sinful boor can make do with a flogging and a whopping fine.

The punishment is equal for both.

Why is that?

Rav Bender explains:

“For in root, all are equal. So relate to all Jewish souls equally—like small, like great. Who is able to assess the tremendous value of a Jewish soul? Even if outwardly, it looks empty.”

Likewise, the hitman mentioned above transformed himself into a great baal chessed with incredible self-sacrifice.

He created a mikvah on his own premises despite the horrific punishment possible if the KGB would discover it. (And after being informed by Jew-haters, the KGB did come to his home to search for the mikvah.) He also fed all the needy and poor who came to him, including the very people who originally rejected him and disparaged Rav Bender’s community for tolerating his presence during davening.

Despite the goodness and dedication of the Jews in that area, no one displayed the same courage and dedication as this former hitman after he made complete teshuvah.

“For in root, all are equal. Who is able to assess the tremendous value of a Jewish soul? Even if outwardly, it looks empty.”

Related post:
The True Story of How a Murderer did Teshuvah

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<<Previous

Demons in the Cellar

The Teshuvah Cure

Serving WHOSE Needs?

The Illusion of Obsession

Elusive & Illusive

When Dimyon Takes Control

Avoid Pride from Answered Prayers

Don't Despair of Unanswered Prayer

Final Tips for Potent Prayers

The Malbim on Hitbodedut

Hitbodedut: It's the Torah Way

Chore Delegation

What Changed, Exactly?

Cracking the Myth of the Never-Working Woman

The Working Woman of Valor

Real Stories of Domestic Struggles

Don't Give Up!

Then vs Now: The Conclusion

Light-Blockers

How Might the Exchange of Light Work?

​The Power of Receiving Light

Let God Facilitate the Exchange of Light

Conclusion

Practical Stuff

“For in root, all are equal. Who is able to assess the tremendous value of a Jewish soul? Even if outwardly, it looks empty.”

Myrtle Rising

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