In this week's edition of Toras Avigdor, we have Rav Avigdor Miller on Shavuot: Accepting the Torah.

Rav Miller emphasizes how the entire purpose of the world for Torah.

Only one nation came and accepted the Torah: Am Yisrael.

Individuals from other nations (with a Yisrael spark in their soul) can also join Am Yisrael to fully accept the Torah, but no other nation as a whole can be the Am Segulah — the Chosen Nation (unless they all individually convert to Judaism — in which case they'll became a Yisrael and not whatever they were before).

As Rav Miller states (page 4):

Couldn't have put it better.

Anyway, Rav Miller elaborates on how Hashem turned the mountain over Am Yisrael and they said "Na'aseh v'nishmah! — We'll do it and we'll obey!"

By thrusting them into such a threatening scenario, Hashem symbolized the sacrifice He expected His Nation to make on His Behalf.

Am Yisrael understood this, yet took Hashem's commandments upon themselves anyway.

And, as the rav describes, Am Yisrael needed to do this many, many heart-breaking times.

In fact, I read a book about the Jews in the times of the Crusades and was shocked to read of the Jewish women trapped in a burning tower because they refused to convert.

So as the tower went up in flames, these Jewish women lobbed stones down onto the heads of the "holy" Crusaders and shouted, "WE WILL NOT BOW DOWN TO A ROTTING CORPSE!"

Now that's dedication.

That's na'aseh v'nishmah.

These women knew exactly what they were dying for.

You know how every so often someone comes up with a list of "Eight Really Cool Charedi Women who Break the Stereotype!"? And it always includes women with melodramatic shaitels & trendy clothes who immerse themselves in demanding public careers that most people (of either gender) don't even have the talent, skill, stamina or possibility to fulfill? (And then they always insist their homes and children are doing perfectly fine, despite their passionate dedication to their extremely time-consuming career.)  ​

Anyway, I think that being burned to death al kiddush Hashem WHILE lobbing stones and shooting out the plain truth of the matter ("a rotting corpse!") is really cool.

And it certainly broke a stereotype for me!

It takes a very special person to respond in that way to demands for forced conversion.

(May we never be tested in that way.)

Seriously.

How did they do that?

Totally fearless & whole-heartedly committed to Hashem.

I think they are great female religious role models (may we never be tested).

Rav Miller notes that we aren't blind sheep.

When you start following Hashem, that's when you wake up & really start thinking!

​On page 6, Rav Miller offers a very witty summary of other nations historically decide on their belief system.

Until Matan Torah, the Jews used their finely honed minds to make decisions. They had an exalted system of ethics they followed from Avraham Avinu and on down the line.

They were independent thinkers.

And now, they were being offered a system to submit their minds to — an unimaginably brilliant system used as the blueprint for the entire universe.

As Rav Miller explain, the minds of Bnei Yisrael were wonderful. 

But now they were being offered something more than wonderful: an infinite mind.

​And Moshe Rabbeinu wanted them to take it.

On pages 9-11, Rav Miller relates a very interesting story from the Gemara.

And the moral of the story is WONDERFUL encouragement & reassurance for true teshuvah (like when your cheshbon hanefesh reveals that you really are totally messed up in one area):

You get to accept the Torah all over again.

​As Rav Miller describes:

That's exactly the attitude to cultivate.

Toxic shame holds many people back from seeing & fixing their flaws.

But really, teshuvah should be seen as an opportunity — a joy!

​I'm getting rewarded! Yay!

Rav Miller explains how your mind is either thinking Torah or it's thinking something anti-Torah.

Either you hold a Torah opinion or you hold the opinion of Eew Yuck Times editor (or whoever).

It's a sacrifice.

To whom are you sacrificing your mind?

If you follow da'at Torah, so you sacrifice your mind (your own opinions & ideas of how things should be) to HASHEM.

If you don't follow da'at Torah, then you sacrifice your mind to media op-eds and college professors.

Then Rav Miller spouts off this gem:

Not that all goyim are stupid, of course — he means the ones in Hollywood.

And from what I see, the Jews in Hollywood are stupid too. 

Everything put out by the entertainment industry is incredibly damaging, ruining society, and all the people involved are shooting themselves in the foot (even as they're laughing all the way to the bank...for now).

On page 12, Rav Miller relates how he used to be a socialist. He even got into a fistfight about it once — on the side of socialism!

I really admire this about him.

It shows he's a truly thinking man.

Why?

Even if you were raised in a fine frum family, you must have at least one thing in your mind that is a product of your surrounding society or your ego.

That's just part of being human.

So when you change a deeply held false belief, that's admirable.

We start off small & emotionally immature...and then we grow.

And hopefully, even long after our physical growth stops, our minds continue to grow, blossom, and thrive.

And on that same page, Rav Miller discusses a very familiar dynamic — the rabbis who support current & superficially appealing ideologies by distorting ideas from the Torah — or "twisting the Torah so that it should fit into their already twisted heads," as Rav Miller phrases it.

It's a massive problem today.

That dynamic is actually what drove me to start studying the ancient sources, like Chovot Halevavot, Kli Yakar, Pele Yoetz, and more.

I felt like they were the only ones I could trust to give me the real Torah.

(Needless to say, there are pristine thinkers in our time, but we usually hear them quoted by less pristine thinkers, which muddles up their original meaning, or we sometimes hear Torah through muddled minds & it confuses us as to what the real truth is.)

Rav Miller also discusses several popular ideas today and offers witty food for thought on why those ideas are problematic the way they're carried out today.

When we hear da'at Torah and really try to understand WHAT THEY think & WHY they think that way, that's what truly expands our mind.

This is what helped me so much when I started learning Kli Yakar or Rashi on the parsha or reading the Pele Yoetz. Once you establish that the person speaking is a real tzaddik and a Sage, then you know that if something you think opposes something they think, then you know that YOU are in the wrong.

So then you try thinking about how that could be. How are they right & how are you wrong?

You keep mulling that over, which leads you to:

What is the flaw in your thinking that needs to be polished and stretched?

And: How can I start thinking like (the Kli Yakar, the Pele Yoetz, etc.) on this issue?

And doing this helped me SO MUCH.

I am still very far from where I want to be in my personal development, but reading Chazal and really trying to understand them, especially the aspects that seemed "wrong" or unappealing, is exactly what helped me smarten up a bit and be able to work on certain flaws in a way that I couldn't before (especially the ones I originally couldn't see, and therefore could not address). 

And this Torah mind is why Rav Miller thinks that a frazzled-looking frum woman with a bunch of kids hanging off her skirt and squirming in the stroller is more beautiful than a pageant queen.

The Torah mind is why Rav Miller thinks that the frum Jew waddling down the street to Mincha is more beautiful than any movie star hero.

It's because that's how HASHEM sees them.

On page 20, Rav Miller discusses our national addiction to news.

This is popping up everywhere for me lately. Just as 2 examples: Rav Itamar Schwartz discussed this and Rebbetzin Heller mentioned this in the Bamidbar message sent out by Naaleh.

Authentically, Shavuot is a time to re-accept the Torah and to re-embrace it.

It's a renewal of our commitment to thinking like Hashem & being truly grateful that we were chosen.

Rav Miller says that Shavuot in the European yeshivot of his time contained more joyous celebrating than Simchat Torah anywhere now.

​It's hard to imagine, but that's really the ideal to follow.

UPDATE: Tragically, HaRav Shmuel ben Chana Ettel passed away a few hours ago. Baruch Dayan Emet. Any tefillot and good deeds you wished to do in his merit should now go l'ilui nishmat Harav Shmuel ben Avigdor (as per the Ashkenazi custom to call a niftar by his father's name).

May his memory be for a blessing.

May he be melamed zechut in the Heavenly Beit Din for Am Yisrael.

May we only hear good news.

Please increase tefillot for Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshiva Gedolah Beis Yisroel & Rav Avigdor Miller's son: HaRav Shmuel ben Chana Ettel.

He is now in critical condition.

May Hashem grant him a complete & speedy refuah among all the cholei Yisrael. 

There's a woman in our shul who came with her family from Iran when she was around 5.

She always struck me as a profoundly spiritual & modest person. She emanates serenity & intelligence, and she loves davening in the beit hakenesset.

I saw her in shul with her teenage & preteen daughters, and their body language as they followed the davening showed that they also absorbed their mother's appreciation of davening in shul.

It was beautiful to see them cradled over their siddurim without raising their eyes from the page. No sideways glances, no elbowing & gesturing & smiling, no whispering...just immersion in tefillah.

Another time, I got an important mussar lesson when observing how this mother responds to people who lack her level of derech eretz & reverence for the shul tefillah.

During the reading of Megillat Esther one year, an elderly Iranian lady sat next to this mother. (They aren't related.) Due to leaving Iran for America in her fifties and then to Eretz Yisrael more recently, this elderly Iranian lady never learned English or Hebrew very well, and understandably prefers to speak in Farsi if she possibly can.

Because the Iranian mother knows Farsi well, the elderly lady understandably likes speaking to her.

During the Megillah-reading, the elderly lady leaned over to the Iranian mother to make a few remarks.

This was very surprising because of the obligation to hear every single word of the Megillah, making absolute silence an imperative.

Also, people from the elderly lady's generation tend to display more reverence for these things because back in their old country (Iran, in this case), breaches in disrespect were not tolerated the way they are today. And those former communities behaved with such respect that people didn't really think to behave differently.

Anyway, the elderly lady shifted back into position and just stared ahead.

The Iranian mother turned her head to gaze at the elderly lady for a long moment with more sternness (not anger, but sternness) than I ever imagined she was capable of.

(Without knowing what the elderly lady said, it could be that part of the sternness related to inappropriate remarks, in addition to speaking when forbidden.)

The elderly lady did not notice.

The Iranian mother was clearly pondering how to handle this breach so it would not happen again.

It's not so straightforward because she cannot speak either, nor can she behave disrespectfully toward an elder.

That's when the Iranian mother rose with firm resolve, walked over to the curtained window of the mechitzah, and planted herself there for the rest of the reading.

This was an excellent resolution to the problem. No one can talk to her now!

And yes, her daughters were all observing this closely. What a beautiful example their mother set for them.

The whole family (with around 8 kids) exudes good middot. I knew the boys first because they went to school with my boys, and I was always impressed with their derech eretz. The older girls I also got to know a bit in shul and always admired their consideration and extra sensitivity toward others.

It's hard to imagine that this exceptionally refined & serene woman underwent a serious trauma as a child.

My children told me that when this Iranian mother left Iran with her family at the age of 5, she did so in a suitcase.

Distressingly, the escape did not go so well.

There was shooting & shouting, all of which she heard while trapped inside the suitcase.

She never spoke about it with the children; her husband (who is also an exceptionally fine person) told them. (She doesn't mind that he did that, but she just finds it too traumatic to relate it herself.)

I don't know exactly how the suitcase worked. Were there buckles or zippers? How dark or stuffy or roomy was it in there? Did she have a way to open it from the inside or was she dependent on someone knowing she was inside to set her free?

She feared she might be shot too or that everyone else would be killed, leaving her alone in the suitcase.

Obviously, she wasn't supposed to be in the group at all, hence the need to hide her in the suitcase. So if her presence was discovered, that was also a severe problem.

She couldn't get out, she couldn't move, and she couldn't even cry out.

​All she could do was listen to all the chaos around her & pray for the best.

Fortunately, her family survived the confrontation, she was not abandoned, and she was later released from the suitcase.

I think her parents were also exceptionally fine people and that she was raised very well, but I can't help thinking that the moments of terror inside the suitcase, her child's heart turning to Hashem in those moments, and then her eventual rescue might have a lot to do with her solid emunah & reverence.

She really does give the impression that she's absolutely knows Hashem is always with her and always watching and truly cares about her.

In other words, she behaves as if she is always in His Presence.

It was a horrific, traumatic experience. And maybe the trauma expresses itself in ways I haven't seen.

​But maybe it also defined for her how much Hashem is really there for her — always.

There's a weekly magazine available in many shuls in Eretz Yisrael on Shabbat called Mishkan Shilo.

It's technically Sefardi, but it has many columns of the Sages of the Ashkenazi world too. It even contains a "comics" serial about the life of Rav Aharon Leib Shteinman ztz"l.

It's hard for me to read the whole thing cover-to-cover because it's in Hebrew, but I enjoy the halachot and the stories, especially in the section for women. (It also has a children's section.)

But in the general halachah section of Bamidbar, they presented a Q&A with Rav Bentzion Mutzafi.

One question was about the significance of the Mussaf prayer on Shavuot.

Rav Mutzafi's reply:

This is definitely happy news because if you messed up your Rosh Hashanah/Yom Kippur/Sukkot this year OR if you fell from your intended goals since then, then Mussaf on Shavuot is your best opportunity to pick yourself back up again.

It's amazing to think that a really geshmak Mussaf on Shavuot can earn yourself a whole new level of soul for the ENTIRE YEAR (what's left of it, anyway — which is actually a lot and means that you enter next year on a much higher level than you would otherwise...yay!).

Needless to say, some people might not be able to daven Mussaf Shavuot. Maybe they're busy caring for their family &/or guests or maybe they're not feeling well or some other reason.

If you have no other choice, just ask Hashem if He could please include you in the Mussaf davening of Am Yisrael.

You can also say something heartfelt like, "I love You SO MUCH Hashem — thank You TONS for the Torah!" and then ask Him to accept that as your Mussaf.

Yeah, I just made that up, but it's based on related traditions, like the prayer said at the end of saying Tehillim or before saying Tikkun HaKlali and other ideas mentioned in Chazal.

Also here is an amazing transcript of a class by Rav Itamar Schwartz:
Shavuot: Give Yourself Your Real Needs (3 Kinds of Love)

The transcript recommended at the end of the above link can be found here:
Fixing Your Water: The Desire to Love & Be Loved 
​(To my mind, this is an all-important read with or without Shavuot, and regardless of whether your personality contains a large degree of the "water" element or not.) 

My 21-year-old told me about a friend of his who discovered that he'd been exposed to COVID-19 via a friend diagnosed with COVID-19.

He figured that with such a contagious disease, he needed to get tested even though he had no symptoms.

So he went to the doctor and asked to be tested, but did not tell the doctor the real reason (which was he'd been in close proximity to someone infected with COVID-19).

And the test result came back positive.

The young man headed for the corona hotel and prepared to enjoy a nice prepaid vacation.

However, when he got there, he discovered there were TVs in the rooms.

So he contacted Yehudah Avidan (a Shas activist or something) and said something like, "This is supposed to be a hotel for charedim, but there are TVs in every room!"

So Yehudah Avidan somehow disconnected the TVs so no one could use them, and the young man spent 3 weeks in the corona hotel, yet experiencing no symptoms other than some headaches.

Throughout those 3 weeks, he avoided getting tested again because he enjoyed himself so much with all the other guys there, who also tested positive, but were either asymptomatic or with very light symptoms, and could therefore just enjoy themselves.

​A free vacation! Who knew pandemics could be so fun & refreshing? And all paid for with our tax-shekels.

(This is one of the problems with socialist economies because so much citizen money goes to the government & prices tend to be high, people feel like they can or must game the system in order to even things out.)

After fully recovering from the virus & testing negative, he tried to stay another week because he was enjoying himself so much, but the staff threatened to fine him if he didn't leave.

And that was that.

I don't mean to minimize the very real threat coronavirus presents for vulnerable people.

I also never minimized the very real threat the flu presents for vulnerable people.

But the vast, vast majority of complications & deaths occurred in people with underlying health issues, many of whom were also over 70.

Also, apparently, everyone who died had low levels of vitamin D. Not even average levels, but low.

Also, someone recently publicized that she has volunteered to become infected with COVID-19 in order to participate in vaccination trials — which is something NO ONE would do if COVID-19 were anything like real dangerous diseases, like Ebola or the Black Plague or the Spanish flu. 

(I'm saying this all based on current reports regarding COVID-19, by the way. There's a lot we still don't know.)

Furthermore, I admit I'm getting emotionally drained by the constant changing of regulations.

Like, one day you need to wear a mask, but it's not a law. Then another day, you'll get fined if you're caught without a mask. Then another day, you don't need a mask in public areas because it's so hot, it seems like the mask might cause more problems than it solves (and remember, it doesn't really solve much).

And truly, I noticed that it was hard to breathe when wearing the mask, which made health-walks very challenging. I was wondering when we were going to start hearing about people fainting because of this.

I felt nervous & also felt suffocated breathing my own carbon dioxide.

For the few days my youngest son started attending school (which also became a confusing & draining circus regarding changing times and regulations), I walked home after dropping him off (we took the bus there), but because there is a police station nearby, police cars frequent the stretch of road near his school.

So in the airless heat of that week, I was walking along with a synthetic mask over my nose and mouth simply because I did not want to get caught & fined.

​Then I pulled it down to my chin, but it got very uncomfortable because the elastic straps dug into where my ear connects with my head.

So I just wore it dangling over one ear for easy replacement if any cops came by.

​Look, if we want to take our vulnerable people to corona hotels, then why not?

(Being under 70 & healthy, my son's friend is not one of the vulnerable — nor were any of his peers who were living it up with him in the corona hotel.)

I'm all for protecting my fellow Jews.

And I'm also disturbed by how hard this virus has hit the frum community (again, mostly people over 70 with pre-existing health issues and low vitamin D), especially so many of our religious leaders.

I think those who fit the vulnerability profile should be quarantined as pleasantly as possible (in a hotel or at home or wherever is best for them) in order to protect them & I think we should help them.  

And if anyone wishes to follow the traditional Jewish response of not milling out & about when illness abounds (even a relatively mild illness) as per Rav Avigdor Miller and many others before him, then they are certainly correct to do so.

I wouldn't argue with Jewish tradition.

(I will just add that Rashi defines "come into your chambers and close your doors" as spending your time in shuls and study halls, and not at home on Zoom or overeating. Not that there's anything wrong with Zoom when necessary. But perhaps it's better for everyone to be learning Torah the normal way, as per Rashi. Also, some parents are losing their minds with the teleclasses and Zoom classes. And I don't blame them one bit. If I had more than one young child in this situation and also having to do what American schools are forcing families to do with all the classes and massive amounts of printing, I'd be falling to pieces.)

But much of the other stuff?

It's seems like wacky feel-like-we're-doing-something senseless acts.

Posts referred to above:
​Rashi on Yeshayahu/Isaiah 26:20
Our Mom Survived COVID-19 But Died Of Hopelessness, All Alone
Why I Just Volunteered for a Covid-19 Vaccine Trial
Is Vitamin D the Medical Key to Fighting Coronavirus?
FIRE THE TEACHER (Note: If everything in the original article is actually true –never trust a journalist or newspaper – it's one of the most infuriating things I've heard in a while. And it also exposes the hypocrisy of the enforcers of the coronavirus regulations, who force people to obey one regulation by doing something even worse.) 

In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah for Parshas Bamidbar: Order & Tranquility, Rav Miller stresses the unique acceptance of organization when the Am Yisrael was in the Midbar.

Each person had their own tent in a specific place, with all the Tribes organized in the proscribed way.

Rav Miller then delves into the oft-observed feature of Judaism: It governs your life down to minute details from the time you wake up in the morning.

Now, many people complain about this, many people express fear over becoming religious because of this, and some people say this is why they left and are afraid to return.

But Rav Miller describes it in an appealing manner as a life full of commitment and meaning.

The truth is, when I first started keeping Shabbat seriously (around age 18-19), I decided to put off painting my nails so that I could light Shabbat candles on time.

I felt very pleased with what I considered my spiritually prioritized decision.

I sat with my friend in the room and twisted the cap of the bottle and started applying the nail polish (I think it was even red, to make things worse) in careful strokes.

My friend (who was modern Orthodox from birth) watched me for a moment with a look of consternation.

Of course, I wondered why and wondered what nitpicky law was I transgressing NOW?

But despite my irritation, I actually did want to know. So I asked, "What's wrong?"

"Well," she said hesitantly, "I don't think you're supposed to be doing that on Shabbos."

"Doing what?" I said.

"That," she said, pointing at my nails.

Unbecomingly, I exploded. "WHAT?!" I said. "Also THAT'S forbidden?!!"

She immediately retreated. "Oh," she said, waving a hand and looking away. "What do I know? I don't know anything."

She didn't say this sarcastically, but as a way to defuse the situation.

I glumly looked at the rest of my nails with their chipped polish. And I felt bad for apparently having been so ferocious, this friend (who was normally an open & assertive person) felt like she needed to lie in order to appease me.

I also knew that if she said it was forbidden, it was. And I knew that she certainly DID know what she was talking about.

So much more calmly, I asked her why it was wrong and not surprisingly, she didn't want to get into again, but she mumbled something about coloring, which I didn't know so much about, but it made sense within the little I did know.

I never painted my nails on Shabbos again, and mostly stopped wearing nail polish altogether over time.

Now I don't understand my old self. What is so difficult about not painting nails on Shabbos? Why did I feel so overwhelmed with rules?

Now all the prohibitions and obligations of Shabbos feel like part of the holy rhythm of Shabbos and Shabbos just wouldn't be the same with them.

But Rav Miller emphasizes that the actions aren't enough.

Our mitzvot need our hearts & minds to really reach their full potential.

On page 6, Rav Miller describes a very funny scenario to explain how, if Hashem just needed people to go through the motions of davening, He could just command all the Jews to pool money together to buy robots with timers set to daven in the morning.

The robots could shuckle too.

No latecomers, no early-leavers, no talking, no skipping...the perfect minyan!

Only it's no good because they're robots, so all the beautiful timely davening is meaningless.

Then Rav Miller notes that if your mind is absent while davening, you're like flesh-and-blood robot, which is messier than a steel robot because human robots make noisy, skip parts, and come late, check their watches (when not necessary), and so on.

​Rav Miller states: 

See? We are all fully wanted children.

On page 7, Rav Miller brings up the classic parable of our animal soul as a horse and our seichel as the rider of the horse.

If our rider doesn't control the horse, the horse goes wild.

When the thoughts go wild, a person can no longer serve Hashem with his thoughts.

On page 8, Rav Miller claims that Rabbeinu Bachya of Chovot Halevavot/Duties of the Heart wouldn't be so happy with this dvar Torah.

Ideally, a person should feel that not only is Hashem running EVERYTHING, but He is also running everything RIGHT.

People who live in true reality experience tremendous tranquility.

They tend to be happy people.

For example, when Rav Yisroel Salant was old and ailing, someone asked him how he was doing.

He answered, "Baruch Hashem, a bit worse."

He didn't say that as a joke or as a dutiful nod toward emuna.

He MEANT it. Blessed is Hashem — Everything is under control of the One Who knows best.

When the situation in Poland was avalanching downward in 1933, the Chafetz Chaim said, "It's heading in the right direction."

Things were heading in a painful and horrific direction.

But one who fully trusts in Hashem knows that any direction Hashem decides is the right one.

This is a severely difficult paradox for most people to embrace.

But anyone who manages to do so is correct and lives with a serenity that most people never achieve their entire life.

First of all, look at Am Yisrael in the Midbar: They were neatly organized. Even their tent openings didn't face another tent opening.

So Rav Miller emphasizes:

• Keep to a seder. Stick to your schedule.

Get up on time. Go to daven in your shul. (Or however you do it if you're a woman.) Daven according to the seder of your siddur. Go back home. Eat breakfast. Go to work. And so on.

​Page 9:

• Make a list of things that upset your inner peace/menuchat hanefesh.

Ask yourself:

• What might cause me to be disturbed in the home?
• What happens happens in my place of business to upset me from time to time?

Stuff like that.

• Remember that HASHEM did it — and somehow it is for my very best.

Somehow, my files getting lost, my spouse keeping me waiting, someone takes my personal item without my permission...

Hashem did it.

And anyway, Rav Miller reminds us that nothing in This World really matters anyway.

(Except the Next World stuff, like our mitzvot & good deeds.)

So, he says, there is nothing to loose your composure about anyway.

(I'm really aiming for this. Maybe one day...)

​Rav Miller advises on page 10:

As I think we've all figured out by now (yet still wrestle with this particularly insidious yetzer hara), the news is mostly bluster to sell you next day's newspaper.

So says Rav Miller on page 10-11.

Or, in today's terms: The news is mostly bluster to get you clicking on their webpage and watching their video channel and constantly checking their blog.

​As Rav Miller sums it all up:

Nowadays, we might replace radio with "podcasts."

But whatever parlance we use, it's all the same. 

On page 12, Rav Miller offers us advice diametrically opposed to nearly everything we're encouraged to do:

Don't talk about your worries & your problems.

Yet for most of my life, I would have found this advice appalling.

I would've cried, "Rav Miller just doesn't understand!"

But in truth, he understands very well.

The truth is that sometimes talking about something is very helpful. The Pele Yoetz makes this point, taking from an earlier source (like the Gemara, maybe).

But hard experience taught me that talking about your issues can make them worse. 

It really depends on so many factors, like who and how and how much, etc.

Rav Miller recalls a man he knew who had worries, sometimes very serious ones, and enemies, yet he never spoke of it with his family.

Even when they found out, he still refused to let anyone speak of it.

Interestingly, the worries and crises all passed, mostly without his family knowing about them. They weren't affected by all his problems.

Yes, Rav Miller says that sometimes worries call for deliberation and thought.

But sometimes talking about them can make them bigger.

When you don't talk about them, they get minimized to a certain extent, even in your own mind.

​In fact, Rav Miller is very strong about this advice.

He says talking about things makes them set; it makes them permanent.

I think there is also a spiritual idea that connects to this: Al tiftach peh l'satan.

Meaning, don't open your mouth to the prosecuting angel. Don't give him any ideas.

The Breslover tzaddik, Rav Bender, held a similar opinion with some variation.

By the way, when chachamim from different groups of Jews (Rav Miller was a committed Slabodka Litvak & Rav Bender was a Breslover Chassid) say the same thing, I stand up and take notice because that means it's a core Jewish idea.

If you wish to read Rav Bender's take on it, please see here:
​Friendship & Encouraging Words

On pages 12-13, Rav Miller speaks a lot of the importance of sleep.

I feel like a hypocrite writing about this because I struggle with this, even though I've heard Rav Miller's views on this since I was a single girl in my early 20s.

I've had some success with getting to sleep on time over the years. And when this whole lockdown started up, I was determined to go to bed early and get up early, but for a variety of reasons, it rarely worked. (But sometimes, I succeeded.)

But even though I feel like a hypocrite, I'm mentioning it anyway because Rav Miller always placed so much emphasis on going to sleep on time and it's excellent advice, and why should you miss out on it just because I'm flawed?

On page 14, Rav Miller offers excellent advice about work that I really wished I'd read when I was employed. "You're not Galahad" — exactly!

Then Rav Miller reminds us that we're all going to die anyway, so why get so upset? 

As my youngest sister-in-law always says, "Everything passes. Whether it's good or bad, it all passes!"

I love that saying of hers.

Anyway, Rav Miller also counsels that it helps to remember that things could be worse and offers an example true to our times: a man who discovered he had leprosy (page 15).

Also, remember that Gehinnom is worse. Seriously. By the way, you don't have to be a big person to utilize this consolation. I used it when I got drenched in a major rainstorm on the way to catch a bus to a bar mitzvah and my boots filled with water. Then I sat on a stuffy bus for a ride that should have taken 20 minutes, but took over an hour instead.

And I still needed to catch a connecting bus to get to the hall, which meant waiting at a bus stop in the rain for another 20 minutes. (Yes, it had a roof, but not a wide one.)

I went through this all knowing that I would need to spend the entire bar mitzvah is water-logged boots and soaking wet clothes (my coat simply failed on the job).

But I had a good time anyway and remember the experience with amusement because I used it to focus on if I was in Gehinnom and was offered the chance to be soaking wet on a stuffy bus that barely moved while feeling a tad nauseous and knowing that I still needed to catch another bus and then sit in a simcha hall with no way to dry out, I would jump at the chance.

And if I'd just exited Gehinnom straight to that bus and my soaking clothes with no relief in sight, how happy I would be because Gehinnom is 60 times worse than anything in This World.

Seriously.

And so I would think my soaking self on the stuffy slow bus was paradise. 

So you definitely don't need to be a special or great person to utilize that advice. Not even close.

​And there you go.

Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv ztz"l (1910-2012) was one of the premier poskim of the entire world before he passed away.

Born in Lithuania in 1910, Rav Elyashiv came to Eretz Yisrael at age 12 with his parents, then spent most of his life in Yerushalayim.

In addition to his vast Torah knowledge covering all topics, he excelled in hasmadah — the dedication to uninterrupted Torah study as much as one possibly can.

In fact, he possibly excelled at hasmadah more than almost anyone else in his time (as far as I know).

Certainly, he could not have achieved the level of hasmadah without the above-and-beyond dedication of his wife, Sheina Chaya (a daughter of Rav Aryeh Levine).

But even with such a wife, most men would still not be able to achieve hasmadah on Rav Elyashiv's level.

So it was definitely a joint effort.

Before telling a story of Rebbetzin Sheina Chaya Elyashiv, Rebbetzin Heller said something like how the Elyashivs' commitment to Torah reached such a high level, it's impossible (i.e. not such a good idea) to share their stories with others because most people cannot follow such an example, and therefore feel frustrated or "Huh?" when hearing them. 

I think it helped that Rav Elyashiv was an introvert and not a physically strong person, but these are only contributing factors to his hasmadah and certainly do not diminish from his unyielding heart-and-soul dedication to Torah study.

And this is davka why a famous video of Rav Elyashiv demonstrates such good mussar for parents.

Probably many (or even most) of you have seen the video of the elderly Rav Elyashiv sitting in his sukkah with lots of people (generations of family members, it seems) milling about.

After taking a moment in which it looks like he sizes up the situation, he delves back into the Gemara open before him.

Then someone announces the arrival of his oldest daughter, Rebbetzin Batsheva, and his son-in-law & fellow talmid chacham Rav Chaim Kanievsky.

Rav Elyashiv doesn't actually smile, but his entire face beams with joy.

His joy increases as his daughter & son-in-law approach and upon seeing them, Rav Elyashiv smiles.

Rebbetzin Batsheva, in addition to being a tzaddekes, was also a very warm & sociable person. She lovingly pats her father on the arm and asks him a couple of times how he's doing.

Though Rav Elyashiv is clearly happy to see his daughter & son-in-law, I get the impression that at his extremely advanced age and health, plus his innate introversion & dedication to Torah learning (something I think that even social introverts can really relate to), he's not so thrilled with all the noise going on around him (though people are considerate & give him his space), but he understands and resigns himself to it.

After the Kanievskys are seated before Rav Elyashiv, Rebbetzin Batsheva decides to tell her father a joke. It's a frum joke with a mussar lesson — not a meaningless joke, but a joke nonetheless.

She asks her whether a fish in an aquarium feels fear on the Day of Judgement.

(Needless to say, this is because aquarium fish are designated for life and not in danger of being eaten by other fish or animals, or caught in a fisherman's net.)

You can only see Rav Kanievsky's face in profile, but he is gazing at his wife with obvious affection and good humor.

And this is where the big parenting lesson comes in.

Rav Elyashiv automatically turns his entire body & face to his daughter, scoots a little closer to her, and channels his entire focus on her face.

He also places his palm over his forehead in exactly the way he did when he learned Torah and zeroes in on his daughter's face.

Then there is some give-and-take between the two of them as he involves himself with what his daughter wants to convey to him.

Strikingly, throughout the entire exchange, Rav Elyashiv relates to his daughter as if she is a sugya in Gemara.

Did he not realize she was just telling him a joke? 

Of course he realized!

And this was the big lesson to me: LOOK at your child when they speak to you.

No matter how simple the conversation is, FOCUS.

Make continuous eye contact. (Or at least keep focusing on their face, if unbreaking eye contact gets too weird or intense.)

Now maybe you're saying to yourself: "Already knew that basic parenting advice — next!"

Or: "I heard that in my parenting class. What's the big chiddush here?"

Or: "Everyone knows this. No one needs to be told this. You must be a really pathetic mother if you didn't know this."

So the thing is...I thought I knew this too.

And I DID "know" it.

And of course you'll hear this in a parenting class.

I also thought I was doing this! I thought of myself as an attentive mother who both talks and listens to her children.

But when I really started making sure to give my child face-to-face focus every time a child wanted to say something to me, I realized how much I actually hadn't been doing it.

​Yeah, I'd been doing it some, but not as much as I really should.

Whether it was "Where's the ketchup?" or a brief humorous comment or something more urgent or serious or conversational, I tried to be like Rav Elyashiv and look them full in the face for however long they spoke, even if I was in the middle of something.

And until like most other women, I'm NOT a good multi-tasker and tend to be one-track-minded. That's just how my brain works. So this proved a bit more challenging than probably for other women.

Especially for very brief comments that come in frequent spurts (like "Where's the ketchup?" and "I found the matching sock!", it's sometimes a bit dizzying to hone in with the proper face-focusing head-swivel each time

​Yet it's definitely worth it.

And I got used to it quickly enough (like any other habit) and anyway, I figure if Rav Elyashiv, one of the greatest masmidim in his time, can do it for his daughter's joke-telling, it must be a very important thing to do. 

Needless to say, I can't always do this. "Always" isn't realistic.

​Sometimes, I just need to finish something or I'm involved with something hot on the stove or coming out of the oven and it's too dangerous to freeze in place and gaze in my child's face as they speak.

Or I forget or simply fail to do so when I should.

That's normal.

​The main thing is to do it more.

And with everything they tell you in parenting classes & parenting books (many — but not all — of which also contain a lot of jumping-through-hoops-while-hopping-on-one-foot-&-juggling-bowling-balls, plus advice that simply is not suited to your individual situation even if it's effective for others), this kind of universally applicable essential can get lost among all the other Vitally-Important-Or-Else! with which many of them inundate you.

But watching truly great people can help us get back to basics.

And it's something that you can actually implement and not wave off as "only for really great people" or "not for our generation, which is such a weak one."

If Rav Elyashiv, a supreme masmid who always did everything in his power to avoid bitul Torah & learn Torah under any & all circumstances can focus with Talmudic intensity on his child as she tells a joke, then that means that eye contact & focus must be vitally important.

And this is something truly important & useful to learn from Rav Elyashiv about parenting.

Reading the transcription of Rav Itamar Schwartz's lecture on fixing the desire for news got me thinking more about how much we don't actually know, which makes it nearly impossible to report events accurately.

As Rav Schwartz states toward the end:

Exactly.

Unfortunately, I have the same problem as a lot of people in that I desire to read the news. Yes, I've placed some strong fences around that desire (like basically limiting my reading to Hamodia and 1 or 2 other sources, and also try to limit it to once a day or even every other day).

​But I'm often not successful with checking the news only once a day or less and anyway, my ultimate goal is to wean myself off it completely (unless there is something I absolutely must know).

Reading what Rav Avigdor Miller & Rav Shimshon Dovid Pincus said about the news, plus what Rav Schwartz says has been very helpful.

Also, Rav Shalom Arush points out that much of the news isn't actually news, but predictions about what WILL happen; it's not even factual events, but fortune-telling.

And they are so often wrong.

Furthermore, because of the stubbornly rationalist perception of everything, underlying factors are not researched or acknowledged, even if a very obvious connection between a person's behavior and an outcome is plainly seen.

In fact, sometimes the people themselves, whether they're Jewish or not, state their belief that they or someone else was saved in the spiritual merit of a specific act or positive habit or simply "by the grace of God," yet that is never included in the rationalist investigation.

So let's look at 2 examples of success, which deeper research reveals underlying factors behind their achievements.​

​Several years ago, I found myself curious about why McDonald's was the premier fast food chain in America, and eventually spread throughout the world.

Why not Burger King or Wendy's?

Yeah, I understand that it's possible to track McDonald's success by Ray Kroc's driven intervention & eventual takeover, plus a number of steps taken by McDonald's that appealed to the public.

But the question is WHY? Why did McDonald's merit this intervention and these steps while no other chain did?

I wanted to investigate the underlying reason for McDonald's success — did Richard & Maurice McDonald have a special merit that enabled their widespread success?

So I read a thick biography of McDonald's and noted something very interesting...

One of the striking aspects of the McDonald's that opened in 1940 in San Bernadino, California, was its emphasis on tsniyus (dressing & behaving with dignity & modesty).

Despite the common impression of that era as prim, maybe even prudish, the drive-in restaurants of those times hosted a pretty wanton environment.

The young waitresses (called carhops because of how they hopped onto the outer step of a car to claim their customer) who served the drive-in customers (either on foot or on rollerskates) were often immodestly dressed and engaged in mutual flirting with the young male customers.

Some of these places had big windows in the kitchen and one account of these places recalled seeing the male cook & one of the female carhops shameless acting out their hormones right there in full view of anyone passing by the window, rather than tending to the meal orders.

Clearly, not a family-friendly place.

Richard & Maurice sought to change that.

So they forbade any hanky-panky between employees and employees & customers.

Also, they eliminated the carhops & the entire culture that accompanied the carhops, though they started hiring females again in the mid-Sixties (but as regular servers, not carhops).

Female employees needed to dress modestly, which included hair held back in a ponytail and no makeup.

This newfound spiritual hygiene combined with actual hygiene (McDonald's restaurants were also pretty clean) attracted young families looking for cheap, fast meals. 

It might seem like a stretch to say that the institution of appropriate behavior and dress led to McDonald's astounding success, but we are constantly reminded throughout Tanach how much Hashem really hates licentious behavior and also, the prohibition against gilui arayot is one of the 7 mitzvot of Bnei Noach for non-Jews.

Furthermore, Rav Avigdor Miller postulated (can't remember where) that the economic success of several Arab countries is possibly related to its public emphasis on modest dress and behavior for both men and women. They also don't allow toeva.

Yes, we all know what goes on there behind closed doors, but the facts are that walking down the streets in most Arab countries is spiritually safer than almost anywhere else. 

Likewise, this could also be true for McDonald's, hence its spectacular success.

Yet that won't be emphasized when examining McDonald's history of success; you'll mostly hear about Ray Kroc (who emphasized the modesty of female employees).

But I believe the really truth behind McDonald's success is its attention to tsniyut.

The last survivor off the Titanic was a drunk cook named Charles Joughin (pronounced "jockin").

His descent off the Titanic was far smoother than most, plus he was in below freezing (28°F/-2°C) water for at least 2-3 hours (probably 4), a temperature that should have rendered him unconscious within 15 minutes and killed him within 45 minutes.

According to some reports (like that of John "Jack" Thayer), the Titanic passengers in the water ceased screaming with 30 minutes (survivor Lawrence Beesley said it was 40 minutes), including those saved from drowning by the life vest they wore.

It was simply too cold.

Furthermore, Joughin was short & drunk, 2 factors which increase the effects of hypothermia.

Initially, investigators thought that Joughin's drunkenness kept his body warm enough to survive.

Even today, theorists see-saw about this.

Apparently, low to moderate amounts of alcohol increase hypothermia.

But large amounts can reduce it. Sometimes.

Alcohol draws body heat away from vital organs to the extremities, yet one theorist suggested that the shock of the freezing water tightened Joughin's blood vessels so that his body heat remained in the vital organs.

This is a real stretch, however, because it still cannot explain how Joughin survived hours in below-freezing water, and then another couple of hours in a boat in cold air while wearing freezing wet clothes.

It also doesn't explain the only harm Joughin suffered from his ordeal: swollen feet.

Rationalists try to rationalize Joughin's survival by saying he wasn't actually in the water for as long as estimated, but that doesn't pare up with the Joughin's account of treading water until daybreak, upon when he was able to see the upturned boat (whose men were also in the water holding onto it, of whom some died from the cold) and only later was transferred to another boat, whose passengers hauled him in.

Let's see:

The Titanic went down at 2:20AM, daybreak was around 4:15-5:40 (depending if he meant literal daybreak with enough light to see or actual sunrise), and Boat 12 only hauled in Joughin at around 6:30AM.

Then he was sitting in wet freezing clothes in freezing air until the Carpathia came to rescue the survivors around 4:00AM, but it took over 4 hours to collect all the survivors and Boat 12 with Joughin was only collected at around 8:30AM — the last lifeboat rescued.

UPDATE: In the official inquiry, Joughin said that upon going back to his room, he saw flooding which covered his feet up to his ankles. This means that even before he entered the ocean, his feet were soaked with freezing water and he also spent a lot of time outside in freezing weather BEFORE getting his whole body in the water — which adds to his miraculous survival because his feet weren't in good shape, temperature-wise, even before the ship sank.

Again, many have tried to explain Joughin's survival with logical explanations that actually make no sense.

​Here are some of the illogical explanations:
​

• Joughin wasn't as drunk as he claimed.
• Joughin was overweight.
• Joughin wasn't in the water as long as he claimed.
• Joughin's head didn't get wet (or only "barely wetted").
• Joughin was moving a lot in the water, which kept his body heat up.

However:

• In 32.5°F/0.3°C water, hypothermia causes unconsciousness in less than 15 minutes, with a maximum survival time of only 45 minutes.

The water around the Titanic was even colder than that: 28°F/-2°C.

• Being moderately drunk can shorten that time, being very drunk may possibly extend that time, but being sober cannot extend that time.

However, it's absurd to say that survival time was extended by double or quadruple the time due to the generous alcohol in the system.

And again, 3-4 hours was the time Joughin spent in the water. He was also in boat in the open air for another 2 hours. 

Again, other people who spent only several minutes in the water died in the boats due to hypothermia.

The boat cannot be the factor that saved Joughin's life.

• Joughin was a stocky guy, but not seriously fat. And again, can even an obese person extend the expected survival time past 45 minutes? And even if obesity can extend survival, can obesity extend survival time to 3-4 hours? Anyway, he wasn't so fat.

 

• While only Joughin witnessed himself as the last survivor off the ship (which put him in the water around 2:20AM), the 25-30 men standing on the upturned Collapsible B (including Lightoller and a kitchen worker who held Joughin's hand while Joughin remained in the water) witnessed Joughin remaining in the water (estimated at 1-2 hours) until Joughin spotted Boat 12 and swam over to request rescue.

Again, just to emphasize: The ship went down at 2:20. Daybreak was at 4:15. Joughlin was in the water that entire time and we have 25-30 witnesses who not only saw him, but ALSO saw him still in the water for another 1-2 hours as he held on to their upturned collapsible.

• Even if you want to pinch the times (and claim that Joughin spotted Collapsible B at daybreak, not sunrise, and Boat 12 pulled him out of the water earlier than 6:30AM), no one can deny that Joughin was alive in freezing water for at least twice the time any study says he should have been. Really, the minimal time you can squeeze it down to is 2.5 hours (like if you say that Boat 12 arrived MUCH earlier than reported) and that is not realistic and doesn't match up with the reports, making such an estimate imaginary thinking.

 

• And regarding those who insist that his physical action kept him alive: Where is the evidence that swimming & treading can extend survival time hours past the 45 minute mark?

 

• Also, according to science, Joughin should have succumbed to unconsciousness within 15 minutes (which would prevent body heat produced by physical movement and also have prevented his own rescue, in which he took an active part).

The fact that he was able to direct his body in the right directions and hold onto things and speak is unbelievable.

So even if we postulate that physical movement extended his consciousness past 15 minutes, can it extend it for hours? Does it make any sense that he was able to maintain such a high degree of consciousness a minimum of 12 times beyond the documented limit? (And as indicated above, everything points to Joughin being in the water 4 hours — 16 times beyond the documented limit.)
​

• And finally: He didn't get his head wet. Seriously? That will extend both consciousness & life hours past the documented survival point?

I don't think so.

So we see that all the rationales quickly become irrational.

To gain some kind of understanding of Joughin's miraculous survival (including the fact that the group originally forbade Joughin from grabbing onto the collapsible, but fellow cook Isaac Maynard recognized Joughin & extended his hand and held onto Joughin as Joughin grasped the upturned collapsible while remaining in the water).

To garner at least some insight into both miraculous survival of Joughin in the water, plus the miraculous occurrences that saved him (Joughin's very smooth descent from the Titanic, Maynard "incidentally" on the collapsible and being willing to hold onto Joughin when Maynard's position was already precarious, plus the rendezvous with Boat 12 and their willingness to rescue Joughin, and more), we need to take a look at Joughin's behavior from the time the Titanic hit the iceberg until it sank. 

In other words, we need to look at what Joughin did before he ever hit the water.

Charles Joughin worked on the Titanic as Chief Baker with a staff of 13 bakers under his command.

Off-duty in his bunk when the ship hit the iceberg at 11:40PM, Joughin both felt the impact and immediately sought the reason for it.

Upon learning that the upper-deck officers were preparing the lifeboats for launching, Joughin immediately ordered his staff to supply all the rescue boats with loaves of bread — 40 pounds of bread per boat.

UPDATE: The lifeboats were already supplied with a type of sturdy bread they called biscuits, but of his own accord, Joughin sought to supply far more bread.

Seeing as the survivors were in the boats for several hours in freezing weather until rescue, these loaves of bread indeed assisted the survivors, granting them sustenance and much-need calories for body heat.

Joughin arrived to assist with the rescue boats around 12:30AM. There, he helped the other officers in filling Lifeboat 10 with women & children.

However, many women balked at entering the lifeboats.

Remember, the Titanic was considered unsinkable. Lifeboats were meant more for transferring passengers from a damaged ship to a rescue ship (which is why the Titanic held only enough lifeboats for half its passengers) rather than seaworthy vessels on their own.

Furthermore, the management of the lifeboats was clumsy, the sea was black, the night was dark, and the air was freezing.

And they had no idea of when they'd be rescued or if they'd be rescued. (How would they be found in the dark with no radio?)

Yet Joughin refused to give up. Instead, he ran down one deck lower to grab women & children and force them into the lifeboat.

This act saved several lives.

UPDATE: In the official inquiry, Joughin said that in addition to helping women & children into the lifeboat, he ran after and physically grabbed 2 mothers & 3 children and either handed or tossed them into the lifeboat, saving their lives.

Then Joughin was assigned as captain of that very Lifeboat 10, but refused to enter because there it was already manned by Titanic officers.

UPDATE: When asked by the inquiry why he didn't enter the lifeboat, especially since he had been assigned to it as captain, Joughin stated: "I would have set a bad example if I had jumped into the boat."

So Lifeboat 10 left without him.

In other words, he put others' lives before his own.

Then Joughin headed back to his bunk to drink what he officially claimed was half a tumbler of liqueur (not sure how much this is) and when he returned to Boat Deck, all the lifeboats were gone.

(By the way, "tumbler half-full of liqueur" was Joughin's testimony, however, I read that family of Joughin recall him saying that he downed copious amounts of vodka or whiskey, and then went back to the deck again.)

At that point, he threw around 50 folding chairs into the ocean to be used as flotation devices.

UPDATE: Originally, I thought Joughlin must have done it for others because he had a lifevest. But in the inquiry, he plainly admitted: "I was looking out for something for myself, Sir."

I do not know if the chairs actually helped anyone. In fact, it seems that it didn't. But the gesture certainly could have assisted others. He couldn't have used all 50 of them himself. (And as far as I know, he never even used one of them.)

​Thirsty, Joughin went to the pantry for water and was in the middle of drinking when he heard a crash, like the ship was buckling.

This was the Titanic starting to break in half.

And this is when a series of miracles occurred to keep Joughin alive until rescue.

Hurrying toward a crowd of people running toward the back (aft poop deck) of the Titanic, the Titanic suddenly heaved to the left, throwing everyone down away from the back deck of the ship.

Everyone — except for Joughin. ​

​As we know, the Titanic broke in two, with the back of the ship rising up to stand almost perpendicular to the water.

​As it rose, Joughin managed to climb to the top of it, then go over its backmost point so that he was outside the ship and holding onto its guardrail (which, because of the ship's position, meant that he was lying almost parallel to the ocean at the top).

At that point, the Titanic sank down in a motion Joughin later described as an elevator going down and then he entered the water so smoothly, he later said he did not get his head wet or perhaps his hair "may have been wetted, but no more."

At this point, Joughin should have been pulled down by the force of the ship going down (some of the people in the water were pulled down this way and some of the survivors were almost pulled down this way but escaped the suction somehow).

He also should have suffered from the freezing shock to his system, which usually causes people to freeze or suffer a heart attack.

​But he didn't. 

Instead, he treaded water for 2 hours until daybreak (around 4:15AM; sunrise was around 5:20-5:40AM), when he spotted Collapsible B, which was upturned with 25-30 men standing on it to keep it balanced.

This definitely should not have happened because hypothermia-induced confusion & unconsciousness occur within 15 minutes of immersion in freezing water.

Yet for a minimum of 2 hours (and possibly more), Joughin was lucid enough to make intelligent decisions and control his body.

There is also something called immersion-hypothermia, which can fatally shock the body for the first couple minutes upon hitting cold water, but let's say that perhaps the alcohol impaired immersion-hypothermia because Joughin said he didn't feel cold when he entered the water.

Anyway, Joughin headed for the upturned Collapsible B, but they initially told him there was no room.

(Indeed, the men were balanced precariously on the upturned collapsible.)

Fortunately, Isaac Maynard, one of the cooks working under Joughin recognized the Chief Baker and bent to hold one of Joughin's hands while Joughin's other hand held onto the edge of the upturned collapsible.

And...Joughin's body remained in the below-freezing water.

​Again, this is another miraculous "coincidence" that Joughin ended up close enough to the collapsible AND that someone who knew him AND was sympathetic to him recognized him AND was willing to risk his own precarious position to save Joughin.

Boat 12 came into view around 6:30AM, at which point Joughin swam over to request rescue AND they agreed to haul him in. (Several of the lifeboats could have initially rescued people in the water, but either the sailors or the passengers refused to allow it for fear of being swamped or capsizing the lifeboat.)

And even if that time is not completely accurate and, say, Boat 12 arrived before 6:30, Joughin is still in the water a perplexing long time (around 4 hours by this calculation) and still lucid — which he should not be — and still able to mentally reason & force his body to obey his will.

​This is simply not possible.

​Please also realize that Boat 12 was heavily overload with 69 people. Yet they agreed to squeeze in Joughin anyway, even though his cold, wet presence could only add to their misery — another miracle.

(The lifeboats had room for 40 sitting people or 65 standing people.)

I'm sure the body heat of the crowded boat warmed up Joughin some, but he was still in soaked freezing clothing in freezing weather in one of the last boats to be rescued by the Carpathia — around 8:15-8:30AM.

To compare, other people rescued from the water died in the lifeboat. People hanging on in the water to the upturned Collapsible B died from hypothermia. In another lifeboat which had taken on water, 2 people died from hypothermia because of their feet in freezing water.

At the time, Joughin himself and others felt that his alcoholic state saved his life. Certainly, it kept him from feeling cold, as he later described that he did not feel so cold in the water.

However, as explained above, further research of the effects of alcohol on hypothermia show that alcohol speeds hypothermia by directing heat away from vital organs & to the extremities.

Sometimes, copious amounts of alcohol seem to slow the effects of hypothermia, but again, not for so many hours.

Regardless, the water temperature alone should have prevented Joughin from surviving.

It should have also prevented him from thinking or functioning.

The fact that a series of miracles (other than the fact that he did not suffer hypothermia while soaked in below-freezing water for 3-4 hours) occurred from the time the Titanic split until his rescue by the Carpathia also needs to factored into his unbelievable story.​ 

Needless to say, several unknown factors still play a part.

We cannot know Joughin's past-life experiences which may have factored into his miraculous survival, nor do we know of other acts on his part or the part of his parents that factored into the Heavenly merit that saved him.

However, it all goes back to the original point that when documentaries and investigators delve into the the factors affecting disaster or survival, they cannot actually know why something happened, for better or for worse.

Of course, plane crashes and other disasters need to be investigated to prevent the derech-hateva causes from re-occurring.

But the idea that we can truly know is preposterous.

As Officer Charles Lightoller, another miracle survivor on the upturned Collapsible B who credited his survival to prayer & faith, said:

There was a big shocker for me in Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah Parshat Behar-Bechukotai: Speak with Care because he speaks about the great sin & harm of ona'at devarim: hurting someone's feelings with your words.

Yes, I knew that ona'at devarim is a very bad thing.

But on pages 4-5, Rav Miller gives the example of 2 different storekeepers:

One is always a paragon of politeness – but he'll cheat you out of a bit, like by putting his thumb on the scale when he's weighing your bananas. You need to watch him like a hawk.

The other is honest and would never take something that wasn't his, even by mistake – not a penny and not a million dollars. But he speaks with a sharp tongue and answers innocent inquiries with retorts like: "“Look right in front of you on the shelf! Can’t you see?!”

​Which one is worse?

The truth is, they're both pretty bad, each in his own way.

But Rav Miller quotes the Gemara:

Why was I shocked?

Because I am a really horrible person who verbally abuses others without a second thought, and couldn't believe my behavior was so wrong?

Nope.

I was shocked because I've met enough people who feel that as long as they are honest and careful with other mitzvot, including all sorts of favors for others, they can behave however they want.

They might be generous with tzedakah (even when they don't have much to give themselves), and do lots of chessed, including visiting the sick & hosting guests, but they will say whatever they feel they need to say and whatever they've decided you need to hear, and if that hurts your feelings, well...too bad! You need to grow up! You need to hear the truth! That's just how they are – straightforward, say-it-like-it-is, "natural and being myself!", "speak my mind!"

Or this gem: "I wouldn't criticize you if I didn't care about you." ARRGHHH!

To make things even more confusing, when you run into people like this, other people can jump to their defense, either pointing out the good things they do or the difficult life they've had, as if that all justifies the bad behavior.

But Rav Millers says NO!

Our good deeds do not outweigh our hurtful words.

Now, I just want to say that I think we've all had situations in which we said something we later regretted.

​Or maybe we told someone whatever we thought was the truth about them – and we honestly thought that was a good idea at the time. (And yes, sometimes – very rarely – it is a good idea.)​ 

Also, there are people going through a hard time who are writhing in emotional pain and honestly aren't aware of how they're behaving. (I'm talking about people who DO care about their middot, but are temporarily distracted by their emotional pain.)

Sympathy & understanding of others is good.

But for ourselves, we need to know that speaking hurtfully to others is something to be avoided at all costs.

​Rav Miller notes that Rebbi Shimon Bar Yochai emphasized that the initial part of Parshat Behar forbids us to steal or cheat – period.

But the following verse Vayikra 25:17 forbids you to hurt your fellow Jew with words is followed by "you shall fear your God."

(Rashi includes this to mean both verbal hurt & giving bad advice. Avoid both!)

Of course a huge chunk of not stealing or cheating has to do with fearing God – even if you're not caught by a person, Hashem still sees you!

But the Torah itself emphasizes that we must fear Hashem even more with regard to hurting others' feelings.

As Rav Miller notes (page 6): 

Yikes.

​Rav Miller also exhorts us to realize that words can actually HURT; the nerves, heart, and mind can all experience pain just from words.

He extracts this from Mishlei/Proverbs 12:18: "Yesh boteh k'madkarot charev – Sometimes words come out of your mouth that are like the piercings of a sword."

Rav Miller adds a quote from Rav Shmuel bar Nachmeini:

Rav Miller reminds us that we don't forget hurtful words.

Yes, a lot we do forget. But we can all remember something that someone said to us that was like a knife in the heart or a boot in the gut.

We remember where we were, who it was, and exactly what they said – even if it was decades ago.

Interestingly, even if you forgive them wholeheartedly, you can still remember the incident.

Rav Miller describes his own experience with this on page 7.

Rav Miller explains that married couples will also be called to task by the Heavenly Court when their time comes.

It helps a lot to receive forgiveness from your spouse, but it's better to do everything you can to avoid saying hurtful things at all.

Rav Miller praises husbands who ask mechilah ("At least he should have the seichel to do that! Some don't even has the seichel to say that" – page 8.)

It might seem obvious to ask forgiveness from one's wife, but I personally know of one case in which the husband was dying and his wife very gently, tactfully, and lovingly asked him if he wanted her to help him with asking forgiveness of anyone or making a cheshbon hanefesh.

And he didn't!

I was floored, especially considering how disdainfully he'd treated her throughout their entire marriage.

I didn't say a word to her when she told me this because she took it as a kind of temimut on his part, like he wanted to just let Hashem decide things and go with whatever Hashem wanted, and she found great comfort in this.

And I didn't want to destroy her comfort. So I didn't give any indication of my true feelings.

But boy, did that scare me! 

Believe me, he had TONS of stuff for which to ask mechilah from his wife.

And this guy, who didn't grow up so frum, but came to it later in life and ended up learning in kollel all day and absolutely loved learning a classic mussar book – this is it? This is the end result?

There are people who, if they weren't frum, would be philosophy majors or something. They have the intellectual capability to learn Gemara or Mussar or Chassidus, but it always stays firmly in their head.

It never flows down to their heart.

And these people scare me more than any Minchat Yehudah story about demons or malachim mashchitim because Hashem gave these learned guys all the tools necessary to improve themselves and it's as if they just spit on it all and say, "Doesn't apply to me! No thanks!"

And what excuse will they have in Shamayim? They made an intense study of Gemara, Shulchan Aruch, Mesillat Yesharim, Chovot Halevavot, Orchot Tzaddikim, Gates of Teshuvah, and...?

They treat their nearest and dearest badly, they're in a bad mood or easily angered much of the time...and then they don't ask forgiveness. Ever.

What are they going to say? "Oh, I didn't know, Hashem! I'm a tinok shenishba! Or, um...something?"

It really, really frightens me a lot.

I heard of someone else who was always verbally abusive to his family and then Hashem struck him with a degenerative disease of his entire speech apparatus.

His jaw, tongue, and everything just started disintegrating. And the disease was potentially fatal too.

Yet instead of saying, "Gosh, Hashem is removing my entire speech apparatus – perhaps that means something?", he simply used what was left of his voice box and grunted angrily to express his displeasure.

It was also tragic because if the disease indeed came about because of his nasty tongue, he could reverse the disease simply by doing teshuvah and take upon himself speaking nicely forevermore.

But when he couldn't be verbally abusive with his tongue, he switched to using his throat.

What an absolute knucklehead.

This is one reason why in Pirke Avot, we learn that the most important thing is a good heart.

Without it, you can learn all the beautiful Torah you want and still be a jerk – in fact, a HOPELESS jerk, which is even worse than a non-learned jerk.

After all, if you won't listen to Rav Moshe Chaim Luzatto, or the rabbanim in Pirke Avot, or to – hey! – GOD, then who will you listen to?

There aren't so many of these people (most people do work on themselves), but when you meet them, it's quite shocking because they are so smart & learned, but because they lack a good heart, they end up being the stupidest people you'll ever encounter.

​Because if a guy like that won't even ask mechilah, then where are his brains?

Rav Miller recalled a couple he knew in which the husband was "a frum devil" (page 8).

In fact, it seems that Rav Miller helpfully told the man that to his face.

But what did it help?

He shouldn't have been acting that way in the first place.

And when the man's suffering wife was dying, he asked her for mechilah.

And she said, "I won't forgive you."

And then she died and the "frum devil" was left without her mechilah.

"He was finished!" Rav Miller declared.

​Too bad for him. He should've been good when he had the chance.

If you're a parent, pages 9-11 & 17 are very important to read.

Parents are forbidden from ona'at devarim with their children too.

Rav Miller has all sorts of advice about that, plus the idea that once you give a child something, it's his and you can't give it to another child.

On pages 12-13, Rav Miller emphasizes that it is possible to kill someone with words.

Unless we are both naturally sensitive & also aware of all the halachot and careful to practice everything we learn, most of us could improve in this area.

Every little bit helps.

​As Rav Miller says (page 14):

Mishlei 15:4 states: "מַרְפֵּא לָשׁוֹן עֵץ חַיִּים – A healing tongue is a tree of life."

People need a kind word.

Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender also emphasized this strongly.

People need chizuk, encouragement, validation, kindness...

Good words.

Kind words.

Just like you can remember the piercing words said to you, you probably can also remember the words the lifted you up, the words that helped you look at yourself in a whole new way, the words that warmed you up from inside, the words you found healing.

Rav Miller has a personal story about that too on page 16.

Rav Miller also recalls the time he told a regular American police officer that people appreciate what he's doing.

And Rav Miller even wrote letters of appreciation to President Truman and received thank-you notes in return from the President's assistant.

It's great to offer a word of encouragement to every person.

But the most important place to use a healing tongue is at home with your closest family members.

Rav Miller states that for a married couple: 

Think about that.

​If you encourage your spouse, you are doing your job in This World.

Rav Miller compares it to a treasury of gold that costs you nothing to share.

He emphasizes that Hashem judges us most by our encounters with others.

How did we treat them? 

What did we say to them?

On page 19, Rav Miller offers specific advice for husbands and on page 20, specific advice for wives.

​(Then, on the last page, Rav Miller explains how eating 3 meals on Shabbat can save you from suffering chevlei Mashiach.)

Well, there was a lot of good geshmak mussar here and I'm probably not the only one chewing my lip with a look of consternation on my face as I'm reading through it.

Oh well.

The main thing is to get started & do whatever we can to get moving in the right direction.

Baruch Hashem, we have a variety of different guides to coach us on how to develop a relationship with Hashem.

This variety can help us:
​

• get started

 

• get unstuck if we were using one method and are suddenly finding it difficult to continue in that vein

Since time immemorial, our tzaddikim emphasize that Hashem should be our Best Friend and that we should speak with Him with that idea in mind. 

Rav Avigdor Miller broke this idea into very small steps (such as thinking of Hashem while walking from one utility pole to the next when you're out and about or telling Hashem at least once a day "I love You"). 

Here is more from Rav Miller about it:

• Why Does Hashem Want Us to Talk to Him So Much?
• A 60-Second Exercise to Fulfill Your Main Purpose in Life

And most of us are probably familiar with Rebbe Nachman of Breslov's focus on speaking with Hashem for 1 hour a day — which is simplified even further by Rav Arush's advice to break it up into 20-minute increments of gratitude, confession, and requests.

This hour is the minimum, by the way. Any spare moment we have should be dedicated to some kind of connection with Hashem. Needless to say, I am not on the level where I do this myself with any kind of regularity, but this is excellent advice for the direction in which we should be going, so I'm passing it on.

We're all in this together & we're all learning on whatever level we're at as we go along.

And Rav Arush simplifies this even more by reassuring people of the power of just saying "Thank you."

He even recommended that one unhappy & struggling woman should write down a list of 20 things per day — how long does that take? Not long at all; you could even do it in a minute.

And despite minor differences in methodology (to accommodate the different needs of different soul-roots), it's also important to note where they're similar.

Everyone believes in developing a relationship with Hashem.

Everyone believes in speaking with Hashem as a loving Father or Friend.

For example, the Lubavitcher Tanya cautions against self-denigration for more than an hour a day. I can't remember where exactly — maybe it's in Igeret Hateshuvah: Chapter 7 (see note 17 also) and/or Likutei Amarim: Chapter 31 — and from the Tanya, it seems this hour is derived from the famous Talmudic statement: "One hour of teshuvah with good deeds in this world is better than all the life of the World to Come."

(I love the Tanya, but am not so familiar with it. So if anyone has anything to correct here or to add, please feel free.)

Likewise, one of the late Breslover tzaddikim, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, also cautioned against doing a cheshbon hanefesh for more than an hour a day.

(Some people spend much of their day attacked by thoughts of self-hatred and self-condemnation — wrong. According to our Sages, that is not remotely holy.)

And based on ancient sources, Rav Itamar Schwartz also discusses a way of speaking to Hashem:
Talking with Hashem

The first part is the fascinating idea behind talking to Hashem, but if you wish to skip down to the practical application, please scroll down to the section entitled: How to Talk to Hashem.

For further understanding, it's important to read the entire Q&A at the end, and also the last footnote.

Rav Schwartz advises starting with just 30 seconds a day and offers suggestions for what to talk about and how to do it, plus how to shift your mindset to make it all possible.

Yes, we're a very talkative generation (as Rav Schwartz explains that the time of Mashiach connects to siach — conversation — which is what many of us are experiencing).

However, the upcoming generation is increasingly limiting their conversation to the most superficial kind. If you look at a teenager's WhatsApp, for example, you'll see endless rows of "LOL!" and brief sentences of text-spelling ("how ru?" "im gr8!!") and emoticons.

☺♥☼‼

Today's secular teenagers spend more time on their phones than they do at the malls. An increasing number delay getting a drivers license because sitting in their bedroom with their phone is more enticing than anywhere they could go.

However, even these mostly meaningless textspeak emoticon-laden exchanges still demonstrate a need for connection — even if it's a very superficial and kept-at-arm's-length connection.

In fact, their need for connection is so intense that they keep up these unhealthy connections even when it drives them to suicide (which occurs now more than ever before).

Needless to say, the underlying drive for this connection is really for a connection to Hashem, but the goal gets distorted along the way due to all the surrounding tumah.

So when developing a speaking relationship with Hashem, it's important to try different methods to find what works for you.

For many of us, this kind of intimate spoken connection is becoming less and less natural, so anything we do in this direction (including just 30 seconds!!!) is a tremendous accomplishment.

And it places us in an upper 1% in which we can truly take pleasure.