While many chinuch courses claim to offer the "authentic Jewish" way of raising children (when often unbeknownst to the teachers of these courses themselves, the methods are usually based on either post-1960s Western child psychology, or the child psychology developed in America's 1890s and strongly promoted by the US government in the 1920s), reading memoirs can give us a glimpse of what true Jewish chinuch really is.

In Gutta: Memoirs of a Vanished World (pages 47-49), Gutta is sent to teach little girls in Stopnitz, Poland, after a 18 months of study in Cracow's Beis Yaakov high school.

Initially, Gutta pleaded & argued with Rav Orlean of Beis Yaakov not to send her to Stopnitz, which Gutta described as "a shtetl in a cast-away corner that could be found in no atlas and where no train stopped, a shtetl forgotten by the world, cut off behind the mud of its roads and fields."

Stopnitz's surrounding neighborhood was referred to as "King Poverty's giter (pitiful possessions).

When, after a journey squeezed between suitcases, Gutta got off the bus in Stopnitz, she scrutinized at the narrow alleys, the half-fallen homes, and the torn facades around the market place.

The Beis Yaakov schoolhouse itself was, in Gutta's words, "a run-down, neglected cabin."

Again, not because of disrespect or apathy, but poverty. The townspeople simply lacked the resources to give more to their beloved girls school.

Yet Gutta's time in Stopnitz completed what Beis Yaakov sought to instill in her:

The local shochet and his wife hosted Gutta throughout her stay in Stopnitz.

Gutta described their home as "a heavenly school of simplicity, sincerity, love for others, and for God...The house was filled with music, Tehillim, and niggunim."

​Gutta adds:

This is what Gutta took from Beis Yaakov & Stopnitz.

And this is what later enabled Gutta to give so beautifully of herself and to reflect the light of her neshamah into the tormented little girls & orphans she ended up teaching in the hell of the Warsaw Ghetto.

But it was the shochet's wife who intrigued me the most.

The shochet's wife, Sara Pshitik, treated Gutta with so much warmth and appreciation.

The Pshitiks gave Gutta their best room, their best food—anything they could.

Why?

All because she was a Beis Yaakov teacher.

(When Sarah Pshitik offered Gutta something to eat, Sarah often insisted, "To teach children, you need strength.")

Their youngest child was a toddler named Moshe, whom they affectionately called "Moishenyu."

When Moishenyu started to take his first steps, he fell down and cried (as is totally expected).

Each time this happened, his mother picked him up and kissed him, her own face glowing with joy and happiness.

"Wonderful, Moishenyu, wonderful!" she said. "God bless your first steps, Moishenyu. May God guide all of your steps to mitzvos and good deeds!"

Then she'd turn to Gutta and say, "So, teacher, do we not have a great God, Who shows such great kindness to me, Sarah Pshitik, a simple Jewish woman? Teacher, you are educated. Tell me something about this great kindness. How can I, a simple woman, praise God and thank Him enough?"

And then she would turn to Hashem: "Holy, great Creator, filled with kindness: Guard the steps of my little boy so that he will not fall, and that he will remain a good and blessed Jew."

The truth is, I have a hard time imagining exactly how to do this in real life.

It wasn't just love & reassurance Sarah was giving Moishenyu; it was a whole mussar shmooze geared for toddlers, along with the opportunity to cleave to Hashem.

EVERY single time the child toddles over?

How does that work? (Especially if you have more going on at home than the toddling of this one child.)

I think this is something that is hard (at least for some of us) to do without having seen it in action.

Still, I regret not having at least tried it when my kids were toddlers. (Yes, I read this then, but it seemed so foreign to me at that time—appealing & inspiring, but foreign—that I just couldn't think how to do it.)

I suppose it's one of these things that you should just jump into and becomes more natural with time.

Also, and very importantly, while your inside affects your external behavior, the opposite is also true.

Even if it feels unnatural or silly at first, copying Sarah Pshitik can help you internalize these values.

Anyway, I very much wish that this kind of truly authentic chinuch could be taught in chinuch classes.

Later, upon reading Rav Shalom Arush's Garden of Education, I was able to implement one behavior of his religious Moroccan mother, and that is to shower the children with blessings as they go out the door.

It was simple & straight-forward enough to attempt.

And at that point, I finally realized how much more important these spiritual efforts are over the practical methods.

Yet even though I don't "shower" my children like Rav Arush's mother did with hers, I do bless them in Hashem's Name to have a good day, be protected, learn well or earn well, and so on. Maybe just 1 or 2 blessings, but that's still MUCH better than none.

Truly authentic Jewish chinuch might be more challenging to teach than the "do this, do that" methods of today because Sarah Pshitik's method comes from the heart & her husband (who also possessed the same heart) fully participated in this authentically Jewish chinuch in the home; it requires an internalization of Torah values, both on the part of the chinuch teacher and the parents.

Every person is born into this world to rectify themselves, to complete tikkunim.

​As one major Rebbe said, this is a World of Tikkun.

The point of This World is to achieve the best eternity possible, and this is really the main idea behind how we should be raising our children.

Therefore, the foundation of chinuch is about deepening your own emunah & bitachon — and passing this on to your child.

This idea lies behind the famous story of the man who went to the Chafetz Chaim to ask how he should raise his newborn son, and the Chafetz Chaim declared, "You're a few years too late!"

(It wasn't really too late, but the moral of the story is that you can't give what you don't have, so you need to be working on yourself if you wish to give your children a good chinuch.)

Likewise, the Steipler Gaon said that 50% of chinuch is role-modeling.

The truth is, there are chinuch people who could give this over to parents, but many parents today are not receptive.

Many parents today want to-the-point, practical methods ("say this, do that")—not because they're superficial, but because they're overwhelmed.
​
Still, I think it would be good to try inculcating this.

And it doesn't need come from an "official" chinuch expert; maybe there is someone in your sphere who does this.

For example, when I was in the Beit Hachlamah, I roomed with a woman from Bnei Brak who'd just given birth to her 9th or 10th child.

Whenever he burped after she patted him on the back, she sang out: "La-bree-oooooooooot!" (To your health!) And then she sang out pasukim & blessings upon him.

I surreptitiously watched her in fascination.

It seemed like a lot of emotional output per burp, but it also seemed much more fun & meaningful than burping baby the regular affectionate (or wearying) perfunctory way.

She was a compactly built & energetic woman in her thirties with big glasses.

She chatted with me as if we were long-time neighbors, and out of the blue, she cheerfully declared that everyone has bad days sometimes and it doesn't necessarily mean that anything is really wrong.

"You can even cry over the laundry," she proclaimed. "I have! Yes, I even sometimes cry over the laundry. And you know what? That's okay! I tell my oldest daughter that it's normal to feel overwhelmed at times and it's normal to cry even over something as routine as the laundry."

She went on to tell me that she felt it was important to tell her daughter that feeling overwhelmed and crying were perfectly normal aspects of motherhood, and she stressed that she wanted her daughter to know this so that she wouldn't feel bad about herself when it happened.

(This also makes it easier to go on with life & get out of a funk.)

I found this very eye-opening and reassuring because until that point, I'd somehow been ingrained with the message that if I ever cried over such things, it was because I was spoiled, ungrateful, possibly silly, and generally suffered from a bad hashkafah.

But this Bnei Brak woman was certainly not from a "pampered" American middle-class background, and she clearly possessed a cheerful & spiritual nature.

​She seemed a warm & loving mother.

In other words, she seemed the farthest thing from a "bad hashkafah," and she was still saying all this.

I thought it sounded nice. I thought it sounded psychologically healthy.

And I also admired how she related to her daughter as a future Eim b'Yisrael (Jewish mother) and cared enough to prepare her to be a psychologically healthy mother herself.

But maybe you don't have an example around (as far as you know, anyway).

In that case, you can just try to wing it on your own.

You can work through the initial discomfort to try your own spin on Sarah Pshitik or the mother from Bnei Brak or anyone else you read or heard about.

Kol hahatchalot kashot — All the beginnings are hard.

It's such authentically good behavior that just bumbling through it can be self-transforming. So it's really good to at least try it.

​I very much wish I had.

Posts alluded to above:

• What is the World of Tikkun?
  
• The Past 200 Years of Chinuch I: The Non-Jewish World
  
• Getting Back to Torah Basics: The Contemplative Parent

I think this post might initially seem negative, but it ultimately ends positively with a positive spin on all the negative, and how this can all be used for spiritual greatness.

It's actually a follow-up post that digs deeper into the issues discussed in How a Deeply Flawed Person from a Deeply Flawed Background Can Be The Greatest of All and Seeing Ourselves through Hashem's Eyes by Using a Measuring Scale of 0-10.

In recent years, we're increasingly seeing people with little or no keilim (tools, resources) strive to live a Torah life. 

This happens across the board, both with people who were initially either not religious or not Jewish, and with people who were born into frum families, but strive to be more than their individual family was.

And there are a variety of scenarios that take ​place.

Inner keilim also include good middot or at least an attraction to (and therefore, a ratzon toward) certain good middot.

For example, some people innately possess or seek to acquire:

• patience
• empathy
• kindness toward others/to be baalei chessed
• a sense of responsibility
• self-introspection
• happiness
• making the world a better place
• nurturing
• gentleness
• zerizut
• warmth
• wisdom
• da'at
• and much more

However, what happens when the keilim just aren't there?

What happens when they don't just lack the keilim of an certain upbringing, but other keilim as well?

Meaning, what if their society, school, environment, and other influences weakened or corrupted them even more?

What if good examples simply did not exist where they lived?

What if the person they ended up marrying proved to be an ornerier-than-normal challenge?

​And what if they don't innately possess the above middot or even a desire for the above middot?

Let's say a person grows up exactly as the above, but lack the inner keilim described above.

This indeed happens as you see sisters from the scenario described above:
​

• She grows up in a dysfunctional family

Yet she also:

• grows up within a relatively healthy Torah-observant society 
• attends a good Torah school with good teachers
• encounters many examples of functional families
• marries a spouse with good middot
• enjoys a good financial situation

(Yes, I'm basing this on a real-life dynamic with any possible identifying details heavily disguised or omitted.)

And yet one sister turns out with what can only be described as a personality disorder (Narcissist or Borderline) and is a dysfunctional wife and mother, a difficult community member, and her children act out in unpleasant ways that can obviously be traced back to the mother's behavior within the home.

So here we have two sisters (or brothers) raised in the same family, same society, same schools...yet totally different results.

What happened?

The dysfunctional sister lacks inner keilim.

She lacks both awareness & ratzon.

Now, many times you can also attribute the dichotomy between 2 siblings to other factors.

Perhaps the parents treated the dysfunctional sister differently than the functional one, in a way that benefited the more functional one. Even in healthier families, each child receives something different from the parents.

Regardless--

Some people, no matter how badly they were raised as children, will still rise up and say, "THIS is NOT okay. I WILL be different. I WANT a BETTER life for my children & myself, and THESE are the steps I WILL take to achieve that goal."

There are people who experienced really awful upbringings with very little external keilim, and still made themselves into better people than you'd ever expect.

Throughout my life, I've met so many people like this.

​And therefore, it was so bizarre to me when I encountered some mothers who really don't care about their children's psychological experience within the family.

For a minority of mothers, it's not important to them that their children feel loved or secure; it's not even on their radar.

Again, I know it's hard to believe, but after observing such mothers for months or even years, I couldn't come to any other conclusion.

​I'm not saying they don't care at all, but that their children's psychological well-being is simply not a priority.

(These are often the ones who feel that children turn out however they turn out and will both adjust & manage without help from the mother—and what do you expect her to do about anyway when she is already so overwhelmed with dealing with xyz? Furthermore, she holds on to this attitude not as a temporary "fall," but holds onto it the entire time she's bringing up children.)

That's not the majority, of course. Most frum mothers care very much about raising their children well.

But you can definitely encounter a minority who don't prioritized it, or at least even consider it. Ever.

So the type lacking inner keilim, she pretty much ignores the children's needs and raises them according to her convenience.

Again, I want to stress that she reflects a consistent attitude that continues for years.

Anyone can experience a "down" period in which they reflect poor behaviors.

I'm not talking about that. I mean the type for which this attitude is consistent and continuous.

For example, if (after she brings up her challenging situation) you gently inquire as to how the children are dealing with things or what she's doing to help them, she just looks confused.

She never even thought of it!

Then she'll say something like, "They're fine" or "They're too young to understand what's going on" or "Children are naturally resilient; they seem fine so far" and seem disgruntled that you've brought it up.

After all, she prioritizes her own feelings and psychological state, not theirs.

This type also get disgruntled if anyone, no matter how gently, suggests that a child's behavior indicates a need for, say, an affectionate squeeze on the shoulder at least twice a day, or a gentler tone of voice, or any other expressions of love, no matter how minor.

If the children are lucky, she prefers organizations and a schedule, which at least offers the children some kind of consistency.

If they're unlucky, she's all over the place, both emotionally and practically, adding to the dysfunction and instability.​​

​Nonetheless, it's important to realize that both the lack of OR abundance of inner keilim come from Hashem.

This is a bit paradoxical because you can't just say after 120 years when standing before the Heavenly Tribunal:

"Hey, it just wasn't who I was. You know...to be considerate, work on my anger, put my children's actual needs before or at least equal to my own, to rise above my own upbringing...to actually take to heart what's written in Tanach and halachah...It's YOUR fault, Hashem. You should've made me a better person. Next!"

On the other hand, people with inner keilim cannot exactly feel proud of themselves because Hashem put that awareness and positive ratzon there.

​They can (and SHOULD) feel pleased. Grateful. Take pleasure in your good decisions and in the goodness emanating through all the dysfunction from their pristine neshamah.

So we must take responsibility for our behavior, but without feeling pride and yet with feeling pleasure.

Now we're going to go downscale and mix things up even more (before we reach the hopeful ending).

Let's say that a person not only lacks the keilim of a functional upbringing, but their society was dysfunctional too.

Hopefully, their school is good and they possess inner keilim.

You sometimes see this with a Jewish kid from a non-frum families living in a non-Jewish/secular society who attends a frum school that knows how to deal with a Jewish child from this kind of background.

These people can often turn out very well.

I've seen it.

Yet what if...

• What if this child lacks​ inner keilim, even if the child attends a good frum school?

 

• Or what if this child attends the crummy American school system (whether private or public; it's mostly garbage at this point from a value-centered point of view) and therefore lacks the keilim of a good frum school (or they attend a frum school that doesn't meet their needs)?

 

• Or what if this child lacks both his/her inner keilim AND the keilim of a good frum school (i.e., of a Torah education)?

Especially regarding the last one: How are you going to help them then?

What is this person supposed to do?

And what should your expectations of them be?

It's also not so black-and-white because a person may possess certain kinds of inner keilim while lacking others.

For example, some people are very chessed-oriented but suffer from taavah issues.

Others are empathetic & patient, but lazy.

Others are responsible & trustworthy, yet very hot-tempered.

And we see people like this becoming frum.

And we also see how much they struggle with certain expectations the Torah has of us simply because they lack the keilim (inner, societal, educational, familial) to first of all, be aware of it, and then to understand & appreciate it enough to strive to acquire it.

When I was a teenager, one TV nework introduced a new comedy series that satirized & glorified a white-trash suburban lifestyle.

Without going into the details, the comedy made hefker & crass behavior seem very fun to watch.

​Via humor, this popular series brought this behavior into the mainstream.

​For all it made fun of white trash, it also made it acceptable & attractive (because now it's funny, popular, and also the teenage daughter was very attractive).

When the TV show first appeared, it faced a backlash from more conservative viewers (who were always portrayed as repressed stick-in-the-mud nay-sayers).

These types especially criticized the behavior of the teenage boy and girl on the show, claiming (rightly so) that these characters promoted a terrible example for children and teens.

The embarrassing thing is that, at that time, I didn't even understand why they thought the show was problematic. 

Not that I disagreed with their views or their protests.

Halevei I'd understood enough to disagree!

No. The problem was: I didn't even understand why the values portrayed on the show were wrong!

Okay, that's not completely true.

I did not find attractive the father sitting in his frayed undershirt in front of the TV while guzzling beer. That definitely was something I felt was NOT okay in life.

But the teenage kids? They seemed to be living a good life! (Outside of their bum of a father, of course.)

And I really wanted to look like that girl & enjoy her freedom.

So on the most fundamental level, I could not even see the problem.

Do you see what I mean?

Why were people protesting? I had no clue.

Because I couldn't even grasp what was wrong, I concluded that the protesters really were just the nutty, controlling weirdos as portrayed all over the mainstream media.

What else could they be?

​Now, my parents, of course, did not like this show, but freedom of expression and all that trumps everything in America (if you're a liberal).

And they could not explain to me why the show was problematic, which is a common issue with generation gaps. 

​How do you explain something which, to you, has always been self-evident?

It's very hard.

And that difficulty in explaining is also entirely normal.

I look at the generation of secular/non-Jewish people below mine and cannot imagine how to explain certain ideas.

(And I really admire the people who do manage to explain—even as I see that it's getting harder, even for those with the verbal talent.)

Anyway, the entire society around me (including some teachers) were telling us that our parents are irrelevant anyway (unless, of course, our parents goosestepped to the prevailing winds of the day—then they were considered cool parents).

And as society disintegrates, this is getting even worse.

Nowadays, you have people being raised in a society that insists that acting on same-gender attraction perfectly fine.

• Their parents say it's fine.

 

• Their school says it's fine.

 

• They have no inner compass telling them that maybe it's not so okay; on the contrary, they fully support it.

 

• Their society says it's fine. (In fact, everything around them insists that if you DON'T support these relationships, it means you are a bad person who lacks compassion and likely suffers mental illness—you're "phobic," for example.)

 

• Novels, movies, and TV shows portray mishkav zachur relationships as being even more functional than male-female relationships, which is a total lie.

(This is despite the fact that your own personal observations of people you know AND the testimony of those who've lived this lifestyle AND statistics ALL show that these mishkav zachur relationships are the MOST dysfunctional—in addition to being totally forbidden.)

• If they enter the frum community, they may also find obfuscaters who try to kasher aspects of male-male attraction to make Judaism more appealing to the non-frum.

And the above is done with all sorts of issues:

• abortion
• euthanasia (AKA, "death with dignity")
• denial of Hashem (whether via avodah zarah belief systems or atheism)
• premarital hefkerut
• unwed single parenthood
• adultery
• nivul peh (foul language)
• pritzut behavior and clothing
• bad middot (anger, pride, lashon hara, self-righteousness, trolling, bullying—these are all encouraged & glorified if done for the "right" reasons)

And much more.

So you have people going into frumkeit (much to their credit and the credit of those who bring them in) without even a fundamental value system in some areas.

And IF the frum community they enter into is weak in any of the above areas, then the person really has no lifesaver in that particular area to grab on to.

​You see this, for example, with tsnius.

Converts and baalot teshuvah who join a community in which miniskirts, problematic hair-covering (or no hair-covering at all), or even pants are the norm among the frum women—it looks like all this is okay.

And why doesn't their rabbi tell them otherwise, particularly if he's converting the giyoret? If her whole giyur stands on accepting Torah & mitzvot, then why doesn't he reveal the actual halachah to her so she can decide properly, and later uphold properly?

(But...that's a whole other kettle of fish.)

Anyway, when these baalot teshuvah/converts see women who do dress according to basic halachah, they either assume AND/OR are told that those women are "ULTRA-Orthodox" (meaning doing more than minimally required), "extremist," or just following "their own community's minhag, but ours is different."

​So it's very misleading and therefore, when reading a book of halacha, like Halichos Bas Yisroel or other halachah books, they may assume (or be told) that it's extreme and not the actual halacha.

Having said all that, some people do wake up.

It may take a while, and they may struggle with it and feel resentful at first, but they realize at some point that the Torah requires more of them...and they step up to plate.

Maybe they join a more tsnius community which makes them realize the truth, maybe they see that there is nowhere in halacha that allows miniskirts, maybe they hear a shiur that hits them in just the right way, maybe someone davened for them to wake up...

​But on the other hand, many do not wake up.

But the main question is: What does HASHEM say about it all?

If you look at what authentic Torah sources say, you'll know that if you come from a very low & distant place, yet you're sincerely trying to better yourself, then Hashem is pretty happy with you.

You may not be happy with yourself. Others may not be happy with you.

But Hashem is likely VERY happy with you.

And Hashem is all that matters.

What does it say to Hashem that you are willing to suffer humiliation and criticism, bruising, and fail after fail after fail...all to simply fulfill what He told you to do...all to simply reach Him?

THAT'S dedication. That's commitment.

Even if you're not doing it cheerfully, it still a very big commitment on your part.

Why?

Because everything is against you.

You don't have the keilim.

And the people below you are trying to drag you back down.

And the people above you aren't understanding where you're really holding.

And that mountain is SOOOO high.

The top seems completely unrealistic.

Yet you're doing it.

Maybe some of you are aware that there is a major campaign going on with Toras Avigdor.

They are looking for donations right this minute.

And in case you're wondering, I was not asked to do this. When I found out about the campaign, I contacted them to ask if I could make an announcement on my blog.

They said yes.

And I was not offered nor did I request any financial reimbursement or favors.

So that's the nitty-gritty disclaimer up front. 🙂

Anyway, the happy fact about making any kind of donation to Toras Avigdor is that it gives you a share in any positive effect Rav Avigdor Miller's words have on anyone.

Meaning, if (based on reading any of Rav Miller's parshah divrei Torah or Q&A) someone decides to think solely about Hashem while walking from one utility pole to another, you have a share in that.

If someone holds his peace in an argument because Rav Miller advised this, you have a share in that.

If someone thinks about a verse in Tanach for 5 minutes, you have a share in that.

If, based on Rav Miller's 10 Steps to Greatness, a person says, malbish arumim with kavanah, tells Hashem "I love You," does 1 hidden act of chessed, or sits on the floor for 30 seconds to mourn the Beit Hamikdash...

...you have a share in that merit.

It doesn't matter if you can't afford much. Every little bit counts.

I found the donation page easy to use (and I easily get befuddled by these things).

Here is the link to donate:
https://www.causematch.com/en/projects/torasavigdor/

Wishing you all the best, with lots of bracha, hatzlacha, and revealed tov.

Sarit Hadad has been an iconic singer in Israel for years. She also stopped doing any kind of performance on Shabbat years ago.

At one point, she also once declared that she listens to Hidabroot every day. "EVERY day!" she emphasized.

(This is again an iconic celebrity spitting in the face of the Erev Rav Establishment, which mocks everything Hidabroot stands for.)

During a performance in her younger days, she started singing about Hashem and "Shema Yisrael."

At that point, fans in the front row passed Sarit a large Israeli flag, which she hesitantly accepted before wrapping it all around her and holding it closed with one hand under it in the front. This covered her entire upper body.

As she did this, Sarit stopped singing and bowed her head for a pensive moment, then raised her head and continued singing, but with more seriousness, keeping the flag wrapped around her.

Initially, I didn't understand what was going on.

At first I thought the flag-passing was a patriotic thing, but her facial expression and body language didn't reflect the yahoo!-enthusiasm that usually accompanies patriotic displays.

Also, there was a flash of discomfort on her face characteristic of one receiving rebuke.

It took me a minute to realize that it was all a display of tsniyut.

Sarit was singing a profoundly religious song while wearing a completely immodest top.

Her fans passed her a flag (presumably because it was something large enough to cover everything and also it's less offensive to Sarit. An Israeli flag makes a different statement than, say, a large black shawl of the same size—although I would personally prefer the shawl. But this is a case of relating to a person ba'asher hu sham—where he is right now, not where I am or where I want the other person to be).

The fact that fans cared enough to hear the song sung in a more modest state and the fact that Sarit accepted a very public rebuke (lovingly given) right in the middle of a performance—right in the middle of a song!—says something.

I cannot imagine this happening with the pop stars or their fans in America or Europe. 

Even the gospel pop singers...many church-goers do not dress modestly. Have you ever heard of their fans trying to get them to cover up in the middle of a performance?

And have you heard of them having the humility to accept it?

And no, I'm not ignoring the very real transgressions of the Jewish singers regarding kol ishah or immodest dress & behavior in videos and on stage (which the male singers can be guilty of too).

But at the same time, you see the pinteleh Yid when you least expect it.

​The Jews of Eretz Yisrael are moving in a certain direction, and hopefully, everyone will keep on growing stronger in Torah & mitzvot.

​(For contrast, please see How would You Like to Take Your Poison: Scrambled or Sunny-Side Up? The cultures of modern Western society are moving in exactly the opposite direction in which the Jews of Israel are moving.)

Another time, an Israeli talkshow hosted an actor starring in a popular TV series.

They chatted about who would be returning in the next season of the series.

And then the host mentioned one of the star actresses of the series (whose name I can't remember, but let's say it was Shiri Goldberg).

"And Shiri Goldberg, of course," said one of the hosts.

The guest squirmed and smiled self-consciously. "Ah, no, actually," he said. "Shiri...isn't coming back."

The hosts did a double-take. "Not coming back? Shiri Goldberg? But—but—how—? What...why?"

The guest looked at them a moment, preparing to drop the bomb.

Then he said, "Shiri Goldberg chazrah b'teshuvah." (Shiri became religious.)

The hosts tried very hard to resist doing another double-take, but they stared wide-eyed at the floor for a moment, blinked, then looked back at their guest, who gave them another self-conscious smile and a shrug before saying, "Yeah. That's uh...what happened."

I do not know why they were so stunned, whether it was because Shiri Goldberg was the last person they'd expect to do teshuvah or whether they were stunned that someone would give up all that fame & glory for Torah at the height of her career.

Or both.

"So..." they said. "Shiri Golberg chazrah b'teshuvah."

They looked at each other.

"Okay," they said, nodding their heads as they adjusted to the bombshell. "Okay. All right. Yafeh! Nice. Shiri Golberg chazrah b'teshuvah. Very nice. Okay. Good for Shiri!"

Then they continued with the interview.

But I was stunned because I'd been used to American talkshows.

These 2 Israeli hosts were jesters. They were popular comedians in addition to being talkshow hosts. 
​
I fully expected them to start making fun of Shiri Goldberg.

But they didn't. In fact, they seemed careful not to.

Since when are leitzim so careful about their leitzanut?

I don't know their motivation for responding respectfully, whether it was their own appreciation or whether they wanted to be careful not to offend their viewers (the majority of whom, whether they were religious themselves, would respect Shiri for her decision).

Watching them, I got the feeling it was both.

They were concerned about how even the slightest mockery might come off to their fans, and they also weren't comfortable with making fun of someone who decided to start keeping Torah, which they really should be doing too—and I think they knew it.

I can't prove it, but that was my perception at the time.

Anyway, I cannot imagine their American counterparts resisting the opportunity to make some kind of joke. 

And again, the fact that a star at the height of her fame & glory would drop it all for Torah & mitzvot, and the fact that her co-star and a couple of popular comedian-talkshow hosts would discuss her decision respectfully...

...again, even though this occurred years ago, it's still connected to the increasing wave toward Torah we're seeing now.

We see that so many Jews feel some kind of connection.

It's hard because there is so much ugly gunk and tumah clogging up this generation. There is a lot of deterioration.

But the forward-upward movement is still there, baruch Hashem.

​And that movement is even more impressive in the face of the tremendous force seeking to destroy it.

Yes, there is a lot of back-sliding going on in Am Yisrael, may Hashem have mercy.

But at the same time, so many people are seeking to deepen their relationship with Hashem and deepen their mitzvah observance.

Whether they are people from secular backgrounds looking to become more religious or whether they are FFBs looking to rejuvenate their lifelong commitment to Torah and mitzvot, there is a strong movement in a good direction.

For example, I came across a question from an FFB woman who decided to daven in a whole new way than she'd been davening her entire life, a more authentic and meaningful way.

It was going well, but she needed to know how to find the halachic balance in her increasingly busy life, and therefore she turned to the rabbis at Din Online.

Please see here:
http://dinonline.org/2019/07/08/understanding-tfillah/

I must say that I was deeply moved by her renewed commitment to tefillah b'kavanah, which brought her to an over-90-minute Shacharit, a 45-minute Mincha (!!!), and a 45-minute Ma'ariv...every single day.

THAT'S ratzon!

This is someone who is choosing to move forward & upward. She could coast along, living a frum life by rote, but she's too much of a spiritual seeker for that.

She sounds like a wonderful person and it's so inspiring to read the words of a regular unknown Jew who is giving Hashem exactly what He wants: her heart.

Recently, I noticed that one of my 12-year-old neighbors started sporting a shoulder-length bob.

Her hair used to almost reach her waist.

Anyway, her new haircut looked nice and when I saw her mother, I told her how nice her daughter looks, knowing she'd probably pass it on to her daughter. (The girl has a more reserved personality & gets uncomfortable when I address her directly—although later, when she came by to borrow a book, I told her directly how nice she looked.)

Anyway, her mother smiled and said, "Yes, she did it in honor of her bat mitzvah. She decided to donate her hair."

(She means the hair-banks that enable bald children suffering through chemotherapy to have the most natural-looking wigs possible.)

My jaw dropped.

​It was absolutely stunning to hear how such a young girl has such as strong sense of what it really means to be a Jewish woman, and to want to perform such a powerful chessed now that her mitzvot really count.

We all know how the girls who choose to grow their hair out value their hair. It was such a beautiful act of giving on her part.

And just to emphasize: This girl is growing up in a very run-of-the-mill non-chashuv Litvish family.

This isn't, say, Rebbetzin Kanievsky's daughter or someone like that.

But the holy Jewish neshamah keeps shining through.

You don't need to be someone obviously important or special in order to do important & special deeds.

​In reality, there are no non-chashuv non-special Jews.

Everyone is important. Everyone is special. Everyone possesses a pristine & lofty neshamah.

​​It's just a matter of bringing it out.

For a related post, please see:

• Is the Revolution in the Israeli Entertainment Industry a Sign of Something Deeper & Better Churning within the People?

This post should really go with Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Mishpatim: The Express Line to Chassidut is Your Consideration of Others, but I didn't remember the 2 following points at that time.

So here they are...

Regarding bad breath encounters:

When I was in labor with my 4th child, the labor coach leaned down to say something to me, and unwittingly assaulted my nose with an engulfing wave of severe halitosis.

My sense of smell isn't well-developed and smells in general don't usually bother me. But as everyone knows, smells are often more acute & accompanied by dramatically unpleasant reactions during pregnancy.

And labor is a pretty intense & sensitive time in & of itself.

Anyway, upon my nostrils being engulfed by her unwitting halitosis, I promptly started retching & looking for a place to vomit, wondering all the time how on earth I was going to make it through the entire labor & delivery when her bad breath affected me so badly.

And I couldn't bring myself to tell her.

Ultimately I don't remember exactly how it all worked out (maybe she realized and took care of it on her own or maybe she just didn't end up getting that close to my face again), but it did work out and I don't remember it happening again.

The point is that halitosis right near a pregnant lady's nose could have worse consequences than just the standard olfactory unpleasantness.

Regarding the middah-k'neged-middah of noise-making in that same post:

Maybe it helps to know that when the people stopped making their bothersome noise, the bothersome noise from the other neighbors also stopped. Not always right away (although sometimes, yes, right away), but it did stop not so long after—or at least, significantly lessened.

​And that's it!

​B'ezrat Hashem, may we all merit to behave according to middat hachassidut at all times.

In Parshat Mishpatim: Money & Piety, Rav Avigdor Miller tells us what true chassidut is: the trait of being pious, of being careful to behave with integrity and take others into consideration.

Chessed is the root of chassid. A real chassid does true chessed; he thinks of others in all the details and doesn't get caught up in the emotion of feeling good.

Rav Miller offers examples, like the teenage boy who really wanted to learn, but the shul was locked. So in the process of trying to get in through a window, he broke the window. 

It was a total accident and the boy meant well, but the basic halachah is that he must pay for it.

Likewise, if someone is speeding around in his car out of his great enthusiasm to use his car for some kind of mitzvah (in a non-emergency), he is being a mazik, a damager.

Yes, he means well.

Yes, he isn't endangering others or being reckless on purpose.

If he'd understand the halacha correctly, he could perform his mitzvot with true integrity—according to the middah of chassidut.

​This is why mishpatim, the intricacies of the laws, are so vitally important.

"Borrowing" something from a shul without permission, sticking your foot out where people need to walk, talking in the streets at night (especially in the summer when many sleep with their windows open), leaving something on the stairs or the sidewalk for "just a minute," tasting a nut or piece of fruit from a vendor (without his permission), coughing in someone's face, unleashing your bad breath on an innocent recipient...

...these are all covered in halacha and are not allowed.

Again, normal people don't do the above on purpose.

For example, I've never met someone who didn't care about bad breath. Most people would be embarrassed to know their breath stank. People brush their teeth, use mouthwash, suck breath mints, and chew gum to prevent bad breath.

So we aren't talking about rude people, but decent well-meaning people (i.e. most of us) who need to maintain more awareness of how their behavior affects others.  

(Although rude people definitely should also take note!)

​Many people grimace about how Judaism is "full of laws."

But without a solid grasp of these laws, it is impossible to be a truly good person.

One thing I noticed over the years is that someone who suffers noise from their neighbors is almost always making some kind of noise too.

I wouldn't say EVERY time without exception ever, but I've been on both sides of this and I can't help what I see.

If you suffer noisy neighbors, it's good to take a look at your own noise.

And it's often not the same kind of noise your neighbor makes.

For example, people living in Israeli apartment buildings don't always realize how much people can hear with the windows open—including fights with your spouse or an especially stressful bedtime.

Likewise, going out on your porch or into your yard often puts you right under or over people's bedroom windows.

Some neighborhoods are made in a way the magnifies noise coming from open windows and porches/yards due to the acoustics.

So people who think that enjoying the nice weather while conducting a telephone call while sitting on a squeaky swing in the yard late at night?

Not good.

Likewise, people who think that taking a screaming baby out on the porch to calm her or letting their early-rising children play in the yard first thing in the morning—not good.

The woman who gets into loud table-pounding arguments with her husband late at night (which shake the ceiling of the neighbor living beneath her) complains about her neighbors who don't let her nap in the afternoon because they allow their children to race around on their riding cars.

(Of course, they shouldn't argue like that even if they live in the middle of a ranch. But neither one seemed to mind letting off steam that way, and if they couldn't resist for the sake of their own character development, they should at least consider whether they're interfering with the peace and sleep of others.)

Oh, and the family who suffered from the noise of the late-night arguments? They were a very noisy family themselves, and while they were warm and hospitable people, they weren't the most considerate in other ways.

Another family couldn't stand the late-night gab sessions in the yard of their neighbors. Yet they had no idea that their robust zemirot-singing and table-pounding every Shabbat night prevented their exhausted neighbors (different neighbors) from going to bed early.

Usually, people either mean well (like the zemirot-singers) or they simply aren't aware (like the table-pounding arguers).

Again, I've been on both sides of this, as the one who suffered noise without realizing that I was just as guilty, albeit in a totally different way.

And I repeatedly see this with others who suffer noise; they're also noisy.

Taking others into consideration is vital even when caught up in the enthusiasm of a mitzvah (or even when caught up in the upset of a moment).

This is the way to chassidut: laws.

The obligation for everyone to give a small donation of machtzit hashekel symbolizes the need for every Jew to contribute.

And also that the small stuff counts, for better or for worse.

Tzedakah means righteousness, not charity.

Rav Miller notes that when you give tzedakah to a yeshivah, you earn merits even in your sleep. As long as the people you gave to are learning, you are earning. 

So these are all good things to keep in mind.

Even if you're not so sensitive or aware right now, every little bit of consideration you show others adds up and makes you a better person than you were a minute ago.

​Think about that overwhelming majority of teenagers, college students, and college graduates today.

This article did not even touch on what they're doing with their time (surfing, watching videos, shows and movies, video games, hefker behavior, etc.).

Nor did it touch on the increasingly degenerate value system embraced by the younger generation today.

Not only is this the environment young frum people are growing up in (although some communities are more insulated than others), but this is the pool from which kiruv will need to draw its upcoming generation.

Now, some people will rise to the occasion.

Some people, once presented with a life rife with meaning will leap onto that train and go right for the engine. It's what they were always waiting for, but didn't know it.

Others will find latent good qualities awakening.

For example, once they find themselves in a community focused on chessed, they find happiness & fulfillment in overcoming their previous narcissism and shiftlessness—negative qualities which they adopted out of habit and lack of awareness, but are able to shed to a certain extent, or maybe even to a large extent.

But if they've lived their entire life with either no aspirations or only vague ones, and they have been surrounded by peers of the same, plus whoever their parents are (coddling? helicoptering?), how on earth are you supposed to start talking to them about one of the major goals of Judaism: aspiration.

Ultimately, everything we live for is Olam Haba.

That's an aspiration.

Becoming a baal middot, or just improving oneself a little—these are aspirations.

Living for others, becoming a good parent or spouse, working on emunah, or even just getting ready for Shabbos...if they've lived life not wanting to aspire to goals, if they've been comfortable living without a purpose, then how can anyone talk to them about Torah ideals?

How can you speak their language, which is so far from Torah?

It's not impossible, but the mentality and values being programmed into people today means that people are going to be in for a very hard journey because they're starting from such a low point.

They have so much more to climb.

So where is the silver lining on this overwhelmingly dense & gloomy cloud?

The harder something is, the more credit you get for trying.

Let's say you have a little hill before you. You're in great condition and you managed to sprint up to the top of the hill without breaking a sweat.

You wave your arms from on top of the hill. Yay, you're a winner! You made it to the top!

Now let's say you have a giant mountain of rock before you; it's so high, you can't even see the top.

You have no experience in rock-climbing or mountain-climbing.

In fact, you've barely gone on a simple hike through the woods because you preferred watching vlogs and playing video games until now.

So you're also really out of shape.

Someone hands you the rock-climbing gear, and encourages you to get moving.

Everyone else around you was also offered the gear and the opportunity to start climbing, but only you and a handful of others decided to take on the challenge.

It's taking you forever to make your way up, you keep stumbling and falling and bruising yourself because you have no clue what you're doing.

To make matters worse, the people who rejected the climb keep sending you voice messages that you are making a big mistake, that your new direction show you lack compassion and goodness, that you're not making the right decision, and that there is no point in climbing the mountain, and that there's no real reward for reaching the top (and it's not worth it anyway because look at how bruised & clumsy you are, so why not skim back down to the bottom and enjoy yourself once more?).

They send you links to TV documentaries and books, all explaining why what you are doing is so meaningless and harmful.

To make these even more confusing, the people who are in great shape and experienced rock-climbers (they were trained by their community and parents since they could walk, and they are cheered on as they climb upward) and are using state-of-the-art gear are held up as the example you are supposed to follow. Look at their speed and skill! Look at their great confidence!

Then there are people who do not have to actually climb, but are being hoisted on pulleys up to the top. They are also lauded for their success and for making it all look so easy.

In comparison, you are not looking so good.

Not only are you not being lauded (after all, you're not looking so successful), you might face a lot of criticism for all that you're doing wrong.

You get advice about how to use a piece of climbing equipment that you don't even have.

Or they tell you to do things that only a much stronger or more experienced climber can do.

When you point out that you do not have any such climbing equipment or strength or skill, you are rebuked for having a bad attitude, not trying hard enough, or lacking in emunah.

Fortunately, some of the expert climbers lower themselves to your level and give you a hand. They patiently share their skills and knowledge with you.

Some even exchange gear with you, allowing you to use the state-of-the-art equipment while their skill and experience allows them to make do with your regular gear given to you as a chessed when you first started.

But regardless of your gear or any help you receive along the way, your climb is steeper, higher, and more difficult than normal.

And it shows.

But the question really is: How is Hashem looking at you?

Does Hashem see a bruised, banged-up failure?

Or does He see a diamond in formation?

In other words, are those scratches and fractures...

...or are they the formation of angles & facets cut to catch dazzling light?

In Words of Faith, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender recalls several Jews who started off on very low levels, but propelled themselves up into spiritual heroism & greatness.

Yet one, a butcher, did not become a heroic paragon of greatness like the others, but he did depart from This World "with a good name among the God-fearing Jews of America."

This is very good, but not on the same level as the former Shabbat-transgressor who reached such a high level that Rebbe Nosson said they will boast of him before the Kisei HaKavod (the Heavenly Throne of Glory). Nor is it the level of the former hitman who not only made complete teshuvah, but also risked his life to provide a mikveh for the Jewish community, in addition to generously fulfilling the needs of the poor from his own pocket.

Certainly, departing This World with a good name among God-fearing Jews is wonderful, but still not on the same level as Rav Bender himself, who was a lofty tzaddik.

One can depart with a good name without being an actual tzaddik.

Yet Rav Bender speaks of this butcher with such admiration.

​Why?

The low-life butcher who departed with a good name takes us back to the idea of the measuring scale of 0-10.

(Please see Seeing Ourselves through Hashem's Eyes by Using a Measuring Scale of 0-10.)

​This butcher was a total low-life. He used to waste time in the Breslov shul & hog the heater in the winter, and speak in such a vulgar manner that people like Rav Bender could not allow themselves to stand near the heater for fear of hearing things "that a delicate person could not bear to hear."

Rav Bender and other special Breslovers lived in extreme poverty and toiveled in a roofless mikveh full of ice in the freezing Ukrainian winters.

Believe me, these tzaddikim NEEDED the heater in the shul.

Yet they couldn't revive themselves by the heater due to this vulgar boor.

​And how distressing for such holy people to be forced to be around such ugly behavior. It also goes against everything a shul is for.

Some congregants wished to forcibly remove this vulgar boor.

​But the rav of the shul, Rav Avraham (ben Rav Nachman) Chazan, pleaded with his well-meaning congregants:

Ironically, after this low-life butcher left the presence of true tzaddikim in Uman and encountered the watered-down version of frumkeit in America, only then did the butcher feel inspired to change.

Upon seeing the style of prayer and behavior of the shepherd-less chassidim in America and how it paled in comparison to what he'd experienced in the Breslover shul in Uman, the low-life butcher felt compelled to make a change.

No longer able to drift along by the coattails of real tzaddikim, this butcher strove to be an ish in a place where there was no ish, like it says in Pirkei Avot 2:5 "In a place where there are no men, strive to be a man."

Now.

Where was the starting point of this low-life boor?

How was he raised?

The book doesn't say.

Did he even know how to read? And if he could read, did he possess the ability to learn Mishneh? Chumash with Rashi?

The book doesn't say.

Whatever the butcher's skills were, he felt he needed to guide his new community in America based on the example he saw in the Breslov shul in Uman.

It doesn't say he learned Torah or mussar; it just implies that he led by example—based on the example he witnessed in Uman.

Ultimately, we see he possessed at least some internal keilim (he was able to identify the weaknesses in the American chassidic community and feel bothered by the weaknesses enough to compel change, both in himself and others)—internal keilim which weren't realized until he arrived at a weaker community.

As far as external keilim go, it's not clear, but it looks like he didn't receive such a great upbringing, although it seems that it was at least somewhat religious, even if only externally.

His greatest external keilim was his exposure to real tzaddikim like Rav Bender and Rav Avraham (ben Rav Nachman) Chazan, among others.

So where would we say this butcher started out an a scale of 1-10?

Zero?

Two?

It's hard to say exactly, but something like the above.

And where is "departing with a good name among God-fearing Jews in America"?

Is that average—like a 5?

After all, many of us will likely depart with a good name among God-fearing Jews in our community (may we all live in good health until 120). That's the average expectation, right?

Or is it more than average? Like a 6 or even a 7?

If being boasted of before the Kisei HaKavod or risking one's life to build & provide a mikveh & providing for the poor, or being a real tzaddik & talmid chacham is a 10, then departing with a good name among God-fearing Jews in America isn't near 10.

So it's hard to say for sure. Yet whether the butcher was a zero or a 2 who made it to a 5 or 6, Rav Bender spoke highly of him.

Rav Bender obviously considered the man spiritually accomplished even if he never came close to achieving the astounding accomplishments of the others, or even the achievements of Rav Bender himself.

Let's end with the words of Rav Bender at the conclusion of the above story on page 308 in Volume II of Words of Faith:

To read the stories mentioned in this post, please see:

• The True Story of How a Murderer Did Teshuvah
  
• 2 Examples of Unforeseeable Personality Transformation

Let's say we make a measuring scale from 0-10.

People who start out at 8 can make it to 10 in only 2 steps.

(And in real life, such people receive lots of attention for this.)

People who start at 6 can go to 10 in 4 steps (and get even more attention & accolades for this accomplishment).

But what about people starting out at zero?

If they push themselves to 4, they still appear below average and as long as they stay at 4, they will always be perceived as below average. 

However, they accomplished the same number of steps as the 6 who made it to 10!

And they actually accomplished more than the 8!

So 4 steps is really good.

Yes, other people may not notice it, or they may notice and scoff, "Meh."

But Hashem notices AND grants you full credit for your efforts.

The problem is that depending on the person's starting point, most people will not see it as deserving of credit because on the scale of 0-10, not at all up to par.

So who is going to give these 0-to-4s chizuk & validation for accomplishing 4 steps?

Who's going to help them feel accomplished & hopeful rather than defective & hopeless?

​And the even bigger problem because of the deteriorating secular society surrounding us today is that we have an increasing number of people starting off at minus-5.

Getting to zero will take a LOT of effort. 

If they make it to 2, that's amazing.

That's 7 steps.

Had they started out at 6 or 8, they'd be off the charts with 7 steps!

But no...they started out at minus-5.

​And therein lies the rub.

Because no matter how hard they try, they'll always be viewed as substandard.

Even if they accomplish 10 steps (which would take a zero all the way to 10—a HUGE success story, BTW), the minus-5 will still only make it to Level 5...in other words: average.

Meaning, all that strain will only get them to "Meh."

Lots of people will still appear to be doing much better than them.

It's unlikely they'll get any validation from anyone for all their efforts & mesirut nefesh.

Having said all that, some people who have developed a more spiritual vision will see the hidden accomplishment of the former minus-5, and therefore can validate & encourage a former minus-5.

But mostly, the former minus-5s will not only not receive acknowledgement, but on the contrary, they'll receive criticism & an attitude of "That's it? Well, if that's the best you could do..."

(In addition to, of course, unfavorable comparisons to those who started out at a much higher starting point.)

But that's not how HASHEM sees such a person.

Hashem can see into our hearts and kidneys, as Tehillim says. He knows at exactly which starting point He placed each of us.

He also knows exactly how much we are able to accomplish.

And He knows exactly how much effort we exerted to achieve the impossible & reach what everyone else considers merely "Meh."

This is one of the reasons why it is SO important to connect with Hashem, to do whatever you can to feel His Love for you.

This is sometimes the only way to receive any validation.

Even ma'asu habonim hayata l'rosh pinah—the stone despised by the builders became the corner stone. (Tehillim 118:22)

The bonim, the builders, are the experts. They know which stones makes the best foundation for the Holiest Structure Ever: the Beit HaMikdash.

The stone initially despised by the experts is the exact stone that Hashem deems best for the foundation—the strongest part of the structure.

After a previous post on the despised stone of Tehillim, a knowledgeable reader wrote in with a chiddush that the despised person isn't necessarily one despised by society.

It could also be a person despised by himself.

​Not poisonous self-hatred, but someone who gets fed up with his or her own bad habits and seeks to make a positive change.

This reader noted there is a type of self-disgust that can either lead to depression, or can catapult you to great heights.

(This is maybe like the rock-bottom some addicts need to hit before fighting against their addiction.)

​If you're aware of the innate greatness of your neshamah, you can say, "How can someone like ME, with my potential and my innate holiness, continue to indulge in something like THAT?"​

Chazal says that when the Truth will be revealed, reshaim will look at their challenges and say, "How was I not able to subdue such a thin hair?"

But tzaddikim will say, "How could we have overcome such a high mountain?"

Only Hashem really knows whether you're facing a mountain or a strand of hair.

So don't give up. You never really know what you're actually accomplishing.