Growing up under the strong Ashkenazi influence of Jewish America, I always thought that chicken soup, gefilte fish, matzah balls, kugels, etc, were THE traditional Jewish foods.
 

But Sephardim have a whole other tradition of foods associated with Shabbat and the chagim [Jewish holidays]. And to my happy surprise, the food is generally more colorful, healthier (except for chicken soup, of course), and more delicious than its Ashkenazi counterpart (although I still love gefilte fish and a really good carrot kugel).
 
Anyway, a Moroccan staple for the major chagim is basar v'shizifim -- meat and prunes.
 
Yeah, I thought that sounded really unappetizing the first time, but the first taste changed everything and now I make it every Pesach and Shavuot and Sukkot.
 
And it's also a Rosh Hashanah classic.
 
Usually, Moroccan food isn't sweet, unless it's a dessert. But this is a delicious exception.

I'm giving you the recipe, along with its variations, but please note that even though it's pretty easy, I learned it by watching my mother-in-law and neither of us use exact measurements. So this is a Cook-on-a-Wing-and-a-Prayer recipe.
 
Basar V'Shizifim (photo at the very bottom of the post)
Ingredients:

• Meat (whatever part you like, preferably one that gets really soft while cooking)
• Prunes (however many you all like and preferably without pits)
• Oil (a nut oil is particularly nice in this recipe)
• Onions
• Turmeric (or saffron)
• Peeled almonds (a handful or more, depending....my mother-in-law insists that the almonds don't taste good unless we peel them ourselves by soaking them in hot water and then popping them out of their skins, but I think buying whole or slivered skinned almonds works out just fine)
• Cinnamon

 
Directions:
(I'm going to explain the authentic Moroccan way, but feel free to cook the meat the way you're used to, if that's easier.)

• Place the meat in a pot of water and bring to a boil, then just let it simmer for hours (being careful that it doesn't burn) or until whenever it seems soft enough.
• After it's cooked enough, put the meat in the freezer (wrapping it in a plastic bag or something like that) until it is kind of frozen, but not rock-hard because you'll need to cut it.

In the meantime, slice or chop the onions and saute them in oil until they smell and look really good.

• Wash the prunes in soapy water (to avoid bugs)
• Toss them in with the onions.
• Add however much water, like maybe just enough to cover the prunes. (Be careful that the oil doesn't snap the water back up at you.)
• Add honey, turmeric, salt, white pepper, and cinnamon in whatever amounts you find most delectable. (If you're not used to using turmeric, its smell and taste are strong and I personally don't it them pleasant, but you can't beat the color and the health benefits turmeric provides. You can start off with a teaspoon and see how that you like it.)
  

Let that all simmer while you deal with the meat.

• Take out your not-too-frozen meat and slice it up, being careful not to slice thin slices because you want the slices to hold their shape. (I didn't know this at first, but the whole point of freezing the meat is to facilitate nice and neat slicing.)
• Place the meat slices on the prune and onion mixture.
• Add more water, maybe just to cover.
• Let all that simmer until it looks and smells fabulous, being careful to add more water if necessary. (Maybe at least half-an-hour? I usually make it longer because I like my cooked fruits and veggies VERY soft and mushy.)
• Toast the skinless almonds either in the oven or in a frying pan, probably with a little oil. Watch and stir them well so they don't burn. (This part is only a minute or two.)
• Just before serving, sprinkle the meat-prune mixture with the toasted almonds. (If you do it long before, the almonds get mushy.)

You can serve the meat and prunes side-by-side, or in a mixture over rice or whatever.
 
Variations:

• Moroccans also use veal or lamb or chicken in place of the meat. When using chicken, you don't need to freeze it, so you can skip that whole step.
• Moroccans sometimes add dried apricots to the prunes. This makes for a pretty dish.
• Moroccans also sometimes add dried figs. (Just make sure you open them up and check them for bugs or worms first.)
• You can add wine with the meat when it's first cooking or later, with the prunes.
• If you don't mind cutting up uncooked meat, you can just do that at that beginning and skip the freezer step.
• You can leave the prunes (or dried apricots or dried figs) whole or cut them up.
• You can change the order written here and place the meat slices on the onions and THEN add the prunes and spices and water.
• You can leave out the salt and pepper and turmeric, if you wish.
• You can substitute the honey for sugar, brown sugar, or molasses -- or just leave out the sweet stuff.
• You can substitute the almonds for any other kind of nut -- or just leave them out.
• You can substitute the cinnamon for nutmeg or any other spice you like -- or just leave it out.

Feel free to play around with this dish and fine-tune it to the tastes of yours and your family's.

Chag Sameach & Shanah Tovah!

Over Shabbat Parshat Shoftim, I was getting all nervous and paranoid about something that had happened toward the end of that week. Strangely, going into Shabbat didn't do much to calm my fears. I could tell I was overreacting and that it was just my imagination going into overdrive, but I still had a very hard time letting go of the whole thing.
 
Finally, I forced myself to sit down and read the Haftarah.
 
(I can't manage to get to shul, so I just read it on my own.)
 
The very first verse (Yeshayah 51:12) knocked me between the eyes:

"I, I am He Who comforts you all. Who are you that you should be afraid of mortals who will die and of men who will be given over as grass?"

[Note: The Malbim defines this specific type of grass (chatzir) as a type of grass that withers and dries up before its time.]
 
In part, it was the sudden switch to feminine form (Mi aht?) that hit me so hard, as if Hashem was sending a personal message.
 

Rashi and Metzudat David both interpret it as saying:
"Who are you? A daughter of tzaddikim, full of merits! Why do you fear a mortal whose end is to die?"
 
Why, indeed?

Not only did I find the verse immediately soothing, but the messages implied were also encouraging and can set you straight if you've veered off.
 
First of all, Rashi and Metzudat David teach us that when someone has lost their emuna to a certain extent and is crying out or otherwise behaving in a fearful or desperate manner, the proper reaction is to build them up--remind them who they are.
 

• "Hey, you're not some bum off the street, remember--you're the child of tzaddikim! You're inherently special. You're genetically programmed to be more than whatever you feel you are right now. That's right; you can't really do anything to nullify that specialness, regardless of how low you've sunk. It's just an innate part of who you are, no matter what."

 

• "Also, aside from your lineage and genetics, you yourself are just brimming with zechuyot and all sorts of goodness!"

 
And once you've set things in their proper perspective, then you confront them with pure logic:

• "Those other guys--the Erev Rav, the Esavniks, the missionaries, the jihadi Yishmaelim, and all the rest? They've got nothing over you. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. You've got the whole package. In fact, not only are they going to just drop dead at some point, but they'll also just dry up before their time. Yeah, they look like lush strong grass, but guess what? They're not. It's all an illusion. Just keep up your courage and bide your time, and you'll see."

____________________________________________________________________

Interestingly, the Malbim's definition of chatzir implies a process. The chatzir doesn't just go from its peak lushness to dead grass within a moment. 
 
It dries up. (mityavesh--מתיבש—literally means "becomes dry")
 
It starts off all lush and green, but then it gradually yellows and looses its vitality—and it does so before its time.
 
(Sort of like Hillary Clinton is now.)
 
So courage, all you fabulous brothers and sisters—and don't let the baddies get you down.
 
You have the power—because you have Hashem.

Remember who you really are.

Before we discuss rejection in the frum community, it’s important to know where I’m coming from:

• I grew up pretty assimilated because of the local Conservative and Reform communities, then became Modern Orthodox, then religious Zionist, then Litvish-charedi, then Sephardi-charedi after I married—which I still am, but with a hefty dose of Breslov at this point.
• My husband was born in Morocco, but grew up dati in Eretz Yisrael and became yeshivish-Litvish-charedi later before returning to his Sephardi customs within the charedi world. 
• Our children attend Sephardi schools and yeshivot.

 
And coming to Israel so young enabled me to pick and choose among the American and Israeli mentalities, i.e. keeping the aspects of each that facilitate spiritual development while flinging out the rest. Needless to say, marrying an Israeli also contributed.
 

• This means that while I’m not Israeli and never will be, I also no longer fully identify with Anglos.

 
Being not fully part of any group, while yet being a part of every group, I fit in everywhere and nowhere—which is actually a very pleasant place to be.
 
It means that I can relate to almost anyone and almost anyone can find some common denominator with which to relate to me. But at the same time, I have the flexibility to grow at my own pace and in the direction Hashem takes us. We can do what’s actually best for our children rather than kowtowing to the pressure of others, including well-meaning family.
 
I also hear a lot of what people really think because people forget who they are talking to when they talk to me and tend to talk to the part of me with which they identify and forget about the other parts. ;)

And we’ve also faced rejection.

It’s very, very painful to run smack into a closed door for something you can’t do anything about and in many cases, is even something positive that shouldn’t be “fixed.” For example:

• It’s good to be Sephardi. (It’s also good to be Ashkenazi. In general, it’s good to be a Jew, regardless of ethnicity.)
• It’s good to be a baal teshuvah or a convert; either status means that you volunteered for hefty spiritual development, which says something very positive about you.
• And it’s fine that you are an Anglo living as a minority nationality in Eretz Yisrael—again, it means that you ignored the easy way and went straight toward meaning and spiritual development.

 
And in other situations, don’t children with learning difficulties, or who come from problematic family situations, or who struggle with ADD deserve just as much of and just as a high a quality of Jewish education as anyone else?
 
Of course!
 
Personally, my heart winces every time I hear about another case of rejection—especially when it’s followed by blaming the rejected and nitpicking at or about them. Anyone who faces rejection deserves our empathy and compassion—yet scratching the surface, it’s also clear that too many people overlook the core reasons behind the rejection.
 
Hashem causes the rejection—and despite how painful it can be, He only does so for your ultimate benefit.
 
Hashem only does what is for our absolute best. If an institution or community doesn’t want you, then it is not good for you to be there, regardless of what you presumed or what anyone else advised.
 
At a closer glance, the second reason is more obvious than Hashem’s hidden Kindnesses usually are:

• If a school looks down on Sephardim, then why do you want to send your children there?
• If a community looks down their nose at dedicated baalei teshuvah and geirim, then why do you want to live there?
• If the school couldn't be bothered to make sure your non-Hebrew-speaking child learns the language and feels comfortable or couldn't be bothered to deal with your child's learning disability (or whatever), why do you want to send your children there?

(And yes, I realized that some people are stuck in places with limited options. That will be addressed below.)
 
Unfortunately, the chareidi community is the favorite whipping boy for anti-rejection activists. However, personal experience shows that EVERY community can fall prey to rejectionism. At the other end of the spectrum, a secular Leftist (whether Jewish or not) shows more outright prejudice and censorship than any other type I’ve encountered. Many others noted this, too.
 
And among frum Jews, chareidim are unfortunately not the only culprit in the problem of rejection—again, speaking from personal experience.
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Rejection: A Personal History
When my husband graduated his government-religious high school, he deferred his army service to go to yeshivah. He went to apply at a prestigious religious Zionist yeshivah, but met with rejection because he hadn’t attended a yeshivah for his high school years.
 
This led him to a charedi Ashkenazi yeshivah, which decided that this Moroccan boy wearing a knit kippah and taupe pants who arrived at their yeshivah instead of enjoying his post-graduation vacation showed the commitment necessary for yeshivah learning. And my husband spent many wonderful years there.
(His religious Zionist relatives still mourn that rejection from the original yeshivah—“If only they would’ve known!” his relatives lament.)
 
When we first searched for a school for our oldest, we met with rejection. A self-hating Sephardi told us there were no good Sephardi schools in our area. The main Ashkenazi school rejected us saying they were too full, but everyone else got in, so of course we understood the real reason…
 
I can’t tell you how embarrassing it was as an insecure young mother to sit at the park or walk down the street and have friends say things like, “So, you’re sending to [name of school] next year, right?” And then when I said, “Well...no,” they looked surprised and said, “Really? Why not?” in total innocence because it never occurred to them that we’d be rejected, so they assumed it was our decision.
And then I had to say that the school didn’t want us.
I wouldn’t care now. But back then, it was torture.
(And I held no and hold no resentment against the inquirers because they based their words on their positive impression of us.)
 
But it taught me a big lesson in sensitivity that I would not have otherwise realized.

We also got rejected from a Sephardi-Litvish school for not being the “right” kind of Sephardi.
 
Finally, we discovered a relatively new Sephardi school and got accepted. All of our children have learned there and for almost all of them, it has been a very positive experience. For our needs, this school is actually superior to the schools that rejected us.
 
For example:

• Most of the teachers are children or grandchildren of olim who don’t speak Hebrew as a first language. I felt like the teachers dealt with me with extra consideration and understanding because I, like their beloved parents/grandparents, was an immigrant with a different mother-tongue and a different mentality.
• You have descendants of Sephardi gedolei hador sitting side-by-side with the children of baalei teshuvah and gerim.
• Sephardim are a diverse group. In addition to differences in customs between, say, Moroccans and Persians, you also have Breslov and Chabad children in the classroom. The students grow up learning to respect and be friendly with Jews of different legitimate traditions and don’t develop a narrow-minded arrogance about their own group’s customs and gedolim.
• While my children hardly have classmates from English-speaking homes, they do have classmates from French-speaking and Russian-speaking homes. Some of their teachers speak Farsi to each other in the hallway between classes. Other teachers speak Arabic to their parents on their cell phones. Most of the teachers are born-and-bred Israelis, but some hail from Syria, Iran, France, and Argentina. Such exposure reduces the importance of regional and ethnic differences— whittling them down to the level of, say, differing hair color or eye color.
• The teachers are diverse in others ways, too. One year, my child sat in a class taught by the grandson of Rav Tzadka with a huge picture of Rav Tzadka hung on the wall. The next year, he sat in a class taught by a Moroccan who’d learned in Torah Ohr and a huge picture of Rav Sheinberg on the wall. The year after that, he sat in a class taught by a Yemenite baal teshuvah who’d played professional soccer and now was Breslov and taught them Breslov songs and told them Rebbe Nachman’s stories. (He also took them out a lot to the local park for soccer games.)  Then at a Chumash party at the end of first grade, the boys acted out a chassidish play based on one of the Baal Shem Tov’s stories. Likewise, my husband and I also respect all gedolei hador equally; ethnicity is not a factor for us.
• Because expectations are different in the Sephardi world, Sephardim feel free to interweave their methods with those of others—basically, doing whatever works. For example, our school adapted some of the methods of the Zilberberg method. They also added a second year of Mechinah before first grade to give late-bloomers a chance to catch up. The boys also learn the taamim (the melodies by which to read Torah). The school provides resource rooms with teachers trained to advance struggling students in reading or Gemara.

This is our shitah, too: You do what’s best for the child’s needs.
 
Words cannot express how grateful I am for the rejection of those other schools, despite the initial pain, desperation, and humiliation.
 
But at one point, even this school didn’t work out with one child.
So he was dismissed by mutual consent. Then he went to a worse school and that didn't work out either.
This led to us finding a wonderful yeshivah where he happily stayed until graduation, even though it meant a 3-hour commute each way.
 
But yes, the whole period of struggle (which lasted around two years), before we found that school, was grueling and increased our compassion and empathy for families going through the same struggle.
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Weary Wanderings
Sometimes, rejection is Hashem’s way of saying that you need to move to a different community. I’ve experienced this personally and seen others do so, too.
 
When discussing the need to move, it’s not done blithely. Moving is a royal pain and a mess for many reasons.
 
It is also not a pragmatic solution when school is about to start.
It’s Elul/September already and if you can’t find an appropriate school, how are you supposed to completely relocate within the next two weeks?
Of course that’s a logistical nightmare.

But at the same time, I can’t help seeing that relocation can be the best response to rejection. It’s like Hashem uses the rejection to get the person/family to relocate to a much better situation.
 
Even if you can't do it immediately, you could still just look into it.

For example, I love my community, but it’s not for everyone.
 
I watched as one family struggled here, unable to fit in. And despite tens of schools from which to choose, they found satisfaction with none. Because I liked this family so much, it was hard to advise them to find another community, but all the signs were clear. (Been there, done that.)
 
Anyway, they found a wonderful little community with a bus that comes every two hours (and they had no car) with only one school for each gender and guess what? Those two little schools were perfect for their children! So transportation is a pain in the neck, but everything else is great.
 
And yes, sometimes rejection means that a child lives in a dorm or faces a huge commute. I don’t know why, but that’s how it is sometimes.
 
And what about the people who finagled their way into schools or communities, either by tremendous acts of protexia or misrepresentation (i.e. lying or hiding the fact that you are Sephardi or not FFB or whatever) or extreme pressure?
 
It just doesn’t work.

Well, maybe sometimes it does, but I don’t personally know of any.
 
There is a big price to pay for ramming yourself in to where you are not wanted (and where maybe Hashem doesn’t want you to be for your own good).

What's the price?

• People face tremendous pressure to be like their coveted group.
• Sometimes, children face rejection or bullying within that coveted school by either their classmates or their teachers. (Which means it is NOT a good place and does NOT have an authentic Torah hashkafah, regardless of its shiny reputation.)

In one case, an entire family fell apart after spending years in a system that did not suit them. The parents divorced, one of the parents and some of the children became totally secular while everyone else slid, and some left Eretz Yisrael.
 
I don’t blame their choice of community and schools for the divorce because there were shalom bayit issues before, but I honestly believe that had they chosen a community and schools that actually suited them, they would all be frum (well, maybe except for one) and living in Eretz Yisrael today.
 
Also—and I feel silly stating the obvious, but apparently a lot of people get stuck in this idea:
Just because a school or community seems very frum or even speaks Yiddish does NOT mean that they do everything according to authentic Torah hashkafah.
It could mean that, but not necessarily.
I've seen so many people stumble over the Yiddish issue, especially in Eretz Yisrael, with very bad consequences.
Some well-meaning people sink into unwarranted sentimentalism and idealism, leaving their children to pay the price.
So let me repeat: Language does NOT reflect or affect middot or hashkafah.
HOW you use that language reflects and affects middot or hashkafah.
But the language itself does not.
So please, do not try to force your children into a school ONLY because it's in Yiddish.
(No, I'm not bashing Yiddish schools. I'm bashing superficial standards. More on this in a future post.)

There is a lot of confusion today and you find Erev Rav/personality disordered leaders in every group—no exceptions. Also, good Jews have picked up bad habits along this interminable Galut.
 
Every community has its good points and bad points; no one is spared.
 
I wouldn’t say one group is better than another; I’d only say that one group suits your needs more than another.

Finally, your needs can change. What was good for you at one point may no longer benefit you. For example, I’m glad I started out as Modern Orthodox. I could not have handled even watered-down charedi when I was seventeen and yanked between the corrupt Leftist world of mind control vs. the soul-cleansing world of Torah and Eretz Yisrael.
 
Also, it gave me insight into the Modern Orthodox world I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I’m also grateful that Hashem didn’t leave me there in that world. It was a good stepping stone to get to where I am now. Not everyone needs it, but I did.
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It’s Not Me, It’s My Spouse
Deciding on the most suitable community and school can create huge tension in a marriage, depending on the positions of each spouse and the firmness of each one’s position.
 
Maybe you’re ready to look outside the box and go according to your family’s actual needs, but your spouse is still living in a state of hyper-idealism.
 
The best way to handle this situation varies from couple to couple, but copious prayer and discussions with Hashem certainly help.
Hatzlacha rabbah!
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The flip side of this is choosing a community or school whose hashkafah you already don’t like, moving there, and then criticizing it every time you run into it—which is all the time.
 
If you wear tangerine nail polish or va-va-voom shaitels, intend to send your sons to the army, and watch Disney movies, please don’t look down your nose at communities and schools where this is considered inappropriate.
 
Just live and send your kids learn in a place where such things ARE acceptable.
 
For Anglo olim, this can be a huge adjustment. Maybe you were considered superfrum back “home,” but Israeli charedim consider you mohderni.
 
This can also happen within your country of birth when you move from, say, Oregon to Lakewood.
 
At the outset, it seems odd for people to davka settle in a place that doesn’t suit them. But the truth is, people get very idealistic about Torah life.
Because it doesn’t occur to them that others interpret Torah values differently than they do, it doesn’t occur to them to research communities and schools first.
 
Or perhaps their spouse insisted on it and they don’t want to say because they don’t want to badmouth their spouse. Or maybe there’s another reason.
 
Other times, the place and schools suited them when they first arrived, but then things changed, which isn’t their fault, but it does mean they need to reconsider things.
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Pot Calling the Kettle Black?
One thing I find amusing (or annoying, depending on my mood), is how the same baalei teshuvah who complain of rejection refuse to send their children to a Sephardi institution because, well, it’s Sephardi. They may do the same thing with regard to Chabad institutions. Now, if the local Sephardi or Chabad school isn’t good, then that is a good reason not to send your child there.
But if it IS good and it suits your needs, then why not?
 
Guess what the rejected BTs say?

• “Oh, it’s just not for us.”
• “They’re different culturally; it just wouldn’t be a good match.”
• “I’m afraid my child wouldn’t fit in. He looks different and has a different last name…”
• “They have different customs and daven in a different nusach.”
• “Oh, I know that Sephardim learn in Ashkenazi institutions, despite different customs and nusachim, but that’s different. It’s okay for them.”

Hmmm….gosh, that all sounds so familiar.
Aren’t those the same reasons why FFB institutions reject baalei teshuvah?
“They’re just different, ya know!”
 
I once recommended my son’s non-mainstream yeshivah to an Anglo BT friend whose son was struggling. She said, “Oh…hmm…aren’t they mostly Sephardi there? Hm…I don’t think it would be a good fit. No offense, it’s just that it’s too different—I mean, it's fine, but it's just not us.”
 
But after her son did miserably at another place, she sent him to where my son learned and her Ashkenazi-Anglo son did amazingly well in that Sephardi-Israeli environment, both scholastically and socially.
(I want to say that this Anglo BT friend is an exceptionally fine person. Some Sephardi institutions are indeed blah and that’s what she’d seen and was afraid of.)
 
I guess I’ll just leave it like this: I can’t tell you how many Ashkenazi Anglo BTs and FFBs look down their nose at Israelis and Sephardim, while considering themselves so open-minded and full of ahavas Yisroel at the same time. It’s certainly not everyone, but it’s just an issue that each person needs to examine on their own.
That’s all.
_____________________________________________________________
Looking Good vs Being Good
Also, I see struggling parents, whether BT or FFB, who pound their head against the wall in order to find the “right” yeshivah for their struggling child.
They run around the entire country—or even visit other countries—and twist a hundred arms of protexia and try this or that medication and this or that “expert” and so on.
 
I don’t claim to know all the reasons for why someone might suffer years like this, but we know that any kind of suffering begs a cheshbon hanefesh on our part. I can’t help seeing that sometimes, parents insist on a specific type of framework for their child, when maybe the child (i.e., Hashem) has something better in mind.
 
In fact, I’ve seen some well-reputed Ashkenazi charedi institutions catering to boys who don’t manage within mainstream yeshivahs accept one or two students who are really corrupt and icky just because their parents have money and/or connections. And other parents knock themselves out to get their son accepted there because they think it will save their son.
 
I’m always sympathetic initially, but when it gets extreme, I sometimes think that if these well-intentioned parents pound their head hard enough, they might eventually knock out the undercurrent of sinat chinam and narrow thinking that may be holding them back.
 
I know of one family who refused to compromise on strictly charedi Ashkenazi options and it’s sad to see 3 boys from one family off the derech. Obviously, I can’t know the details of what happened, but an Ashkenazi-strictly-charedi-or-bust attitude can be a child's undoing. It depends what Hashem wants from you and for your child.
 
And what Hashem wants may not be what you originally thought He wanted, nor what simple rabbis or rebbetzins told you He wanted.
 
Narrow-mindedness and sinat chinam sometimes appear under the guise of “high ideals.”
 
I’m not saying that looking outside the box is always the solution, but it’s worth investigating when other options aren't working.
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Hashem’s Message in It All
One of the annoying things about rejection is the blame game.

• Why did you move there?
• Why didn’t you lie?
• Why did you lie?
• Why didn’t you do your research?
• Why did you believe the ads/the hype/that person?
• What on earth were you thinking?
• Well, what did you expect?

And so on.
 
For example, maybe you didn’t do your research. Well, guess what? Your impulsive idealism was from Hashem, something your critics fail to acknowledge. No one is perfect and if you hadn’t made that mistake, you would have made another. Your critics aren’t perfect either.
 
Anyway, part of your job here calls for searching for the message Hashem is telling you. You can look at what you could’ve done and see how to avoid that mistake in the future.
 
Done properly, this generally leads to discovering a certain middah you need to work on, and not that you should hyper-focus on the actual action.
People who hyper-focus or who encourage you to hyper-focus on a particular action end up missing the point.
 
For example, self-flagellation about why you didn’t do your research or ranting about how nasty frum people can be both result from hyper-focusing on the externals.
(And both are perfectly natural initial reactions, but if you stay stuck there, then things can get really dysfunctional.)

Also, some things remain incomprehensible and we suffer through excruciating experiences as a kaparah.
_________________________________________________________________
And Yes, I Put My Money Where My Mouth Is
Please know that we sent one of our children to an institution run by extremely fine frum people, but it was not our hashkafah or our derech, although there are many aspects of this group that we respect and admire.
 
Anyway, it was the only place suitable, and that child flourished.
 
And now that child identifies strongly with that group, entailing us to buy hechsherim and stuff according to that group.
 
But so what?
 
Had we been all narrow-minded about it, we would have lost that child—and lost that child in a particularly bad way.
__________________________________________________________________
Validation and Emuna
Finally, while I strongly encourage empathy and compassion when hearing of someone’s experience with rejection, I equally encourage people to see Hashem’s Guidance in the whole disappointing disaster and to look for the open window near the closed door.

This is a little bit late seeing as many students are either set or have already started school already, but I only thought of this just now.
 
Maybe you know the following prayer already, but if not, it's a very powerful one from which people have seen wonderful results. And it's never too late!
 
It's from the prayer collection called Tefillat Chana Hashalem. It is one of the many prayers you can say after lighting Shabbat candles (pg. 17), but you can also insert it at the end of Shemoneh Esrei or after giving tzedakah or just saying it on its own.

And certainly, you can feel free to change it to melamdot, madrichot, and mechanot if you're dealing with Girl World.
 
(And just so we know really know what we're saying, the Malbim defines the following:
 melamed: One who teaches those who don't know
 madrich: One who teaches those who are unable
 mechanech: One who habituates them little by little)
 
May the above tefillah be answered l'tovah for all our children.

One of the truly bizarre aspects of the so-called "elites" is their complete lack of awareness of how abnormal their beliefs and behaviors are.
 
Their way of seeing the world is itself warped and distorted. And they genuinely have no idea.

For example, the level of violence and victimization acceptable within their families can stun you when you first encounter it.

In one instance, an older preteen sister bloodied her younger sister’s nose while having a minor spat in the back seat of their parents' Jaguar—and showing no remorse even years later, insisting that her younger sister deserved it. And maybe she did. But the older sister expressed no awareness that maybe it was bad for her to respond that way.

Now, I grew up with people who were poor and somewhat violent. But even so, people did not treat their siblings like this.
 
In another family, the older brother bullied his little sister so relentlessly from the time they were young (including when he was already a teen athlete and physically much stronger and larger than she) that the only way she could stop him was to kick him in the nose, bloodying it and nearly breaking it, making him wary of messing with her again.
 
Again, this level of physical violence between teenage siblings is not the norm. Yet these are teenagers brought up in wealthy families who attended exclusive schools and are supposedly too cool to behave this way.

And yes, isn’t it interesting that although girls are less likely to act out violently and despite the cultural norms discouraging boy-on-girl bullying, these families are so dysfunctional, they create people who defy even these very basic norms.
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In another case, a multimillionairess suspected her teenage daughter of stealing $50 from her bedside table. When confronted, her daughter denied it. The mother then repeated the accusation, but the daughter insisted on her innocence.
 
Each time the daughter asserted her innocence, the mother slapped her across the face again, then calmly repeated: “I said, where did you put the fifty dollars?”
 
This went on and on until the mother finally saw that she wasn’t getting the result she wanted. A couple of days later, the mother approached her daughter and said, “I found the fifty dollars. I forgot  I’d put it in a different place. I’m sorry.” And then she turned around and left.
 
Needless to say, with that last example, does fifty—or even a thousand dollars—matter when you have millions? Certainly, the mother would defend her actions by claiming that it is the principle about which she was so uncompromising (and so she's not really abusive—in her own mind). But she was so wrong both in principle and everything else. And can you imagine standing nose to nose with the pain on your child’s face and slapping her again and again?
 
Yet society considers this multimillionairess to be a successful and savvy woman.
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Furthermore, it is well-known that financially successful people tend not to be pushovers and they do display some degree of competence (or else they wouldn’t be so successful).
 
Whether they are elegantly assertive (like Dr. Ben Carson) or overtly aggressive (like Donald Trump), they usually know how to stay in charge.
 

Yet why are their children so often so out of control? What leaks into the media is only a drop from behind a whole dam. The physical abuse of siblings or girlfriends, promiscuity, drug use, reckless behavior is disturbingly common.
 
Their children maintain a certain amount of discretion and you may never actually see them abusive, drunk, or high. When they talk about their escapades, they tend to do so in a light-hearted manner, which makes things sound like they aren’t so bad.

For example, one told me about a “party” celebrated in a luxury chateau. Basically, they all lay around on the plush carpet and kept injecting themselves with heroin over the next couple of weeks. Too blitzed to keep up basic standards of—well--anything, she laughed as she told me about how the purebred Maltese and the exotic parrots they let free soiled the plush carpeting, with no one to clean up. (I guess they didn’t want any witnesses, so housekeeping was only ordered later.) She told this over as if this was an innocently humorous anecdote. But when we just stared at her in reply, her laughter grew nervous and she bit her lip. Finally, I said something like, “But, Tiffany, didn’t it bother you to wake up on the floor with your face a couple of feet a way from a pile of…?”

Everyone else nodded.

She laughed again, but this time like she wanted time to find the best evasive answer and said, “Well, it wasn’t exactly like that…” Then she teased, “Well, I guess you wouldn’t understand…it’s hard to explain…” (Meaning, it is hard to explain to someone who obviously could never afford to live in a chateau and buy that much heroin—not to mention the purebred dog and the expensive birds—and therefore, cannot understand.) Or they might fix you with a hard stare, like how dare you judge them. Or they just turn away with a dismissive wave of their hand.

I think you’ll agree that even messy or lazy people would never agree to lay around on a carpet for days surrounded by parrot droppings and dog doo.
Just wealthy elites do things like that.
 
Now, this post used the example of a drug-fueled party, but the above reactions will be their standard responses to even the most innocent questioning of any of their experiences, no matter how bizarre, immoral, or illegal.

Again, they tend to discuss the disturbing activities in which they engage as if it’s completely normal. And that’s one of the most alarming aspects of their mindset—they honestly have no idea that their behavior is so out-of-whack.
 
Not surprisingly, all these people tend to have very liberal views. Even if they support Republican or conservative candidates for economic reasons, they are socially very liberal and look to impose their views on society.
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Likely you’ve met people with a high level of academic intelligence or who are extremely successful in one area of their life (like computers or entertainment or medicine, etc.), yet talking to them reveals a mind that cannot think rationally outside of their narrow strip of expertise. They say things that make no sense and when you appear confused, they assume it’s because they are too lofty to be understood by a mere peon like you. This is unsettling because what they said was so obviously nonsensical, yet they appear so satisfied with themselves and so sure that the fault is in you, that unless you are strong in your own mind, it can cause you to second-guess yourself.
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Someone who once worked in Hollywood asked me, “If you need validation for anything that you do, where are you going to point the camera?”
She pointed to herself.
“Here. You going to point the camera at yourself."
 That way, you show everyone how you are totally fine and can portray your beliefs sympathetically (no matter how unethical or harmful those beliefs actually are).
 
Since its inception, Hollywood actors and directors have been committing adultery, conceiving extramarital pregnancies, and engaging in serial divorce.
But American society frowned on this.
So Hollywood increasingly turned the camera on its darkest parts to brainwash people into thinking that this was a perfectly normal way of behaving.
 
Finally (and the most disturbing), when I was in high school, a friend confided that she’d been abused as part of a cult ritual using death symbols and organized by her aunts, uncles, and other family members. Her father was in on it, too, although he wasn’t present at the abuse. She said that her father was a lawyer of extremely high standing and that those same relatives served as judges and politicians.
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There are more stories, but this is enough to make the point.
 
It’s also important to note that the above people ran the gamut of cultures.
 
Being British or European or American made no difference—it was all the same dysfunction.
 
Almost EVERYONE in charge is totally bonkers: media-bobbleheads, politicians, talk show hosts, actors, musicians, screenwriters, producers, judges, professors, scientists, chief doctors...
 
Yet they're the ones telling us what to think and how to behave.

The point of knowing all this is to really understand who is behind everything that’s affecting your life and why things are getting so crazy.
 
It’s been predicted throughout millennia of our Sages’ writings that the End of Days would be accompanied by extremely dysfunctional behavior and that people like the ones described above would be in charge.
 
Why would Hashem do that to us?
 
Well, there’s no other way to shake us free of our dependence on other human beings. By corrupting all other avenues of rescue, support and power, Hashem forces us to realize that we truly have no other on which to rely except Him.
 
May we always merit to place our full trust and faith in the One and Only King.

I just found out that Rivka Levy's newest book Unlocking the Secret of the Erev Rav is available for FREE download from Tuesday August 30 through Motzaei Shabbat September 3 (Pacific Time Zone, which lags 10 hours behind Israel time).
 
Even if you (like me) can't stand reading on the computer, this book is definitely worth your while. If you've followed Rivka's podcasts and posts on Emunaroma, you'll know that she has collected fascinating insights into who the Erev Rav are and what to do about it (including if you've discovered Erev Rav traits within yourself).
 
And no, this notice isn't done as a favor to her or anything like that. She has no idea this post is going up. I've just been following her Torah-based exploration of the subject for a while now, and she puts everything together in a way you can't find anywhere else.
 
Well-written, practical, fascinating, inspiring, and professionally designed for maximum readability, this book is one you don't want to miss!
 
Here's the link to the free ebook:
https://www.amazon.com/Unlocking-Secret-Erev-Rivka-Levy/dp/9657739128/ 
 
You can download a free app to read Kindle books on your mobile or desktop computer.
Click on the image under the image of the book on Amazon to download the app.
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P.S. To convert a Kindle book to PDF, go to this site:
http://www.epubconverter.com/kindle-to-pdf-converter/ 
You press the "Add File" button and then go through your files until you get to the Kindle book you downloaded. This works for 90% of Amazon ebooks (i.e., the ones that don't have DRM).
To locate your downloaded ebook on your computer, look for a folder called My Kindle Content, and then look for a .azw file downloaded that day. (The ebooks aren't listed by title, but by a jumble of letters or numbers, so you can't know exactly which book you're converting. But go by the date you downloaded the book and you should be fine.)
 
Hatzlacha rabbah!

Originally, I hadn't really heard of Rav Eliezer Berland, except once or twice in a very bad way. I had no idea that he was so revered among Breslovers nor that many gedolei hador from other groups esteemed him so highly.
 
But now things are coming to the fore and I've started to realize that things aren't what they've seemed. Based on my own experiences, I tend to be cynical of rabbis at this point (NOT genuine gedolei hador, but community rabbis, pulpit rabbis, dayanim, etc., no matter how popular they are and regardless of how important they are considered by their fawning flock). And I am very reluctant to take a stand on this one way or another. But a couple of things happened to drive me to make a public declaration of my support for Rav Eliezer Berland.
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First of all, Emunaroma has posted very compelling and thoroughly researched posts, particularly the following:
 
Setting the record straight about Rav Eliezer Berland 
 
Who's really behind the terrible slanders of Rav Berland? Rav Motta Frank speaks out

The birth of Moshiach 

An open letter from Rav Yehuda Sheinfeld: We're dealing with a delusional individual, here 
 
Breaking news: Rav Berland arrives back in Israel, and is greeted by more incredible libel - read Rav Meir Shecter's official rebuttal 

Full English translation of the letter from Rav Yaacov Meir Shecter, defending Rav Berland
 
The tide starts to change: Rav Berland is suing Channel 2 for slander and defamation 

For a full list of posts and resources about Rav Berland's innocence and righteousness, please see here.
 
Strikingly, Emunaroma's Rivka Levy is someone who has spoken out frequently on her blogs against all kinds of abuse in any community (frum or not) and judging by her posts on Emunaroma and Breslev Israel, she is clearly not blinded by a rabbi's official certificate of ordination or his high-falutin' position. 
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Furthermore, I half-heartedly gave a small pidyon to Rav Berland via the Shuvu Banim office and got a very nice and immediate result.
______________________________________________________________________
After speaking about this several times with Hashem, the message I kept getting was a resounding impression of Rav Berland's innocence.
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So....am I wrong? Perhaps. Will I seriously regret taking a stand for Rav Berland? Perhaps.
 
If so, I will make a full apology and retraction on this blog, bli neder.
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Getting Clear Answers through Prayer
Before any kind of request, Chazal says we must praise Hashem first. Also, doing teshuvah cleanses us and at the moment one has fully admitted to and shown remorse for his or her sins, he or she is on an exalted level (even if it's just for a moment).
 
So based on Chazal, here are some tips toward getting the clearest answer from God:

1. Say a chapter of Tehillim with as much kavanah as you can, or express 10 things for which you are grateful to Hashem or tell Him 10 things you love about Him (or you can do 2 of these or even all 3)
   
2. Think of at least one thing you did today that you regret. Tell Hashem how sorry you are and explain how you will avoid this regrettable act in the future (if necessary, apologize to the person if it was a person-to-person fail)
3. Make your request

 
There are variants on this, of course. You can say Perek Shira or Shir Hashirim instead of Tehillim. You can even just say the words Ribbono Shel Olam (Master of the World) or Ein od milvado! (There is nothing but Him!) with great passion and understanding. (If you really think about it, either term is great praise.) You can pour forth 100 expressions of gratitude and love for Hashem (or, if you're having a really hard time, just 3) instead of 10.

You can do teshuvah on more than one thing; that's always preferable.
 
Just to reiterate: The above aren't my ideas; they're from our Sages.
 
Please daven for Hashem to rescue, protect, and free Rebbe Eliezer ben Etya

May Hashem answer all the mishaalot of our hearts for tovah.
 
(Comments are closed for this post, no offense.)

Growing up, my family religiously attended a Conservative synagogue. While Conservative Jews living near large frum communities (like New York) may seem indistinguishable from some Modern Orthodox Jews, those living far away from major frum communities range from the totally assimilated to the traditional, with the only Sabbath-observant members being the rabbi and cantor—maybe.
 
I always really liked our synagogue’s cantor and his wife. I remember him passing out lollipops to all the kids each week. When my youngest sister felt too shy to accept the lollipop from the open flap of the cantor’s pocket, I remember him getting down on one knee so that the lollipop would be within arm’s reach of the little girl. Then he inched it out so it would easier for her to take. His gentle, thoughtful approach was so much more appealing than that of most adults I knew, who would make fun of a child’s shyness and play stupid little verbal games before finally giving the child the proffered candy.

The cantor’s wife, the child of Holocaust survivors, was a successful business woman with a natural warmth and candidness, who always related to me with the chumminess of a friend, even though I was just a child/teenager. After I started keeping Shabbat, they once hosted me with great warmth so that I could attend a family simcha at the synagogue over Shabbat. He kept Shabbat and she kept everything except the prohibition of turning on and off lights. Coming of age when she did, the lures of feminism spoke to her and she allowed that to warp her Judaism, although she never saw it that way.
Both maintained a fondness for Medinat Yisrael and she always yearned to make aliyah.
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Recently, they came to visit me in my home in Eretz Yisrael.
 
It was great to see them after all these years. They expressed genuine interest in my family and my life, and showed so much pleasure that I was frum, even though my brand of frumkeit is extreme in their eyes. She labeled herself as frum too, and this made her feel an extra bond between us.

She told me of their visit to relatives in the Golan who sneered at them for being “so religious.” Her Israeli cousin’s disdain of Torah traditions dismayed and bewildered her.
She also expressed a lot of confusion and disapproval about their Conservative congregation’s rate of intermarriage back in America. “Nearly all the weddings have been with people who aren’t Jewish,” she said. “Even worse, none of our youth want to marry a Jew. They want to marry non-Jews—especially the Jewish boys; they want to marry non-Jewish girls.” She made a face.
 
While she was happy for how my children were turning out, the contrast between their lives and hers saddened her.
 
“We should have thought through things more,” she said. “Our kids were the only ones keeping Shabbat in the whole city. We thought we could just pass on our love of Judaism to them, but I guess that wasn’t realistic….”

Their 27-year-old son was living somewhere in the boondocks with a 41-year-old non-Jewish woman and couldn't be bothered attend his parents' Pesach Seder that year —or any Pesach Seder, for that matter. On a trip to Israel, their son refused to wear a kippah or keep Shabbat, which his mother found particularly distressing because Israel is one of the most comfortable places in the world to wear a kippah and keep Shabbat. And when his parents came to visit him at his far-off college, he barely gave them the time of day.

“I really wish we’d made aliyah,” she said, looking around my little Israeli living room longingly. “We kept meaning to, but….”
 
But it was never the right time. Yes, they meant to take that well-paying cantorial job that included a nice home in an exclusive neighborhood only until they’d saved up enough to make aliyah.

Having read tons about emuna and Hashem’s Omnipotence, combined with my innate desire to give chizuk to anyone I see suffering and relieve their anguish, I popped out with, “Don’t be too hard on yourself about it. It’s from Hashem. If Hashem wanted you to make aliyah, you would have. Somehow, where you are now is the best place for you to be. Everything Hashem does is for our best good.”
 
She looked at me skeptically and said, “Hashem wanted us to stay in a predominately non-Jewish materialistic neighborhood in America rather than coming to Eretz Yisrael?”
 
I blinked. Good point! Maybe I just took this whole emuna thing too far?
Why did I say a wacky thing like that?
 
“Sure,” I heard myself saying. “Because if Hashem wanted you to make aliyah, He would’ve found a way for you to do it. You could’ve lost the job that kept you in America, you could’ve just felt an irresistible compulsion to go...I mean, anything could've propelled you to go rather than staying.”
 
Now I sounded even wackier.

The cantor nodded with a knowing smile at my words, but she still looked doubtful.

My heart went out to her. Growing up in the shadow of the Holocaust compelled her to fan her Jewish flame.

But it wasn’t working.

Everything she invested in, whether the community or her children, was sinking into the swamp of assimilation.
 
Her whole life, she meant to fight back at the Nazi Holocaust. But the West’s spiritual onslaught overwhelmed her.

After they left, I indulged in a bit of forehead-smacking self-reproach. Why do I get so wacky sometimes? Why didn’t I think before I spoke?
 
Yet I really do believe that everything is from Hashem—and that means that all the wacky things I said to her were also ordained by Hashem.
 
And the truth is, perhaps Hashem really didn’t want them to make aliyah at that point.
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In the frum world, the Reform movement and Christian proselytism receive the most criticism and censure.
 
But in my eyes, the Conservative movement caused the most destruction.
 
Maybe I am wrong.

But the Reform movement is all about shiny American liberal values. It makes no secret of its desire to encapsulate non-Jewish ideals. Growing up, I remember my Reform peers making fun of their own temple for having an organ and such a tepid English service, calling their temple by derisive nicknames. They were all assimilated, but their Jewish souls rebelled at the obvious forgery.
 
And while every Jew is precious, missionaries entrap very few, relatively speaking. (Although they are starting to become as insidious as the Conservative movement by twisting Torah concepts to grant themselves legitimacy.)

But the Conservative movement slithered into the Jewish people like a parasitical worm. It came under the guise of being a legitimate Torah alternative, rationalizing itself as taking the path of Hillel as opposed to the Orthodox (who they claim took the path of Shammai). Many of its rabbis, cantors, and youth leaders feel genuine passion about Judaism and are proud of their heritage. They bring a freshness and enthusiasm to their congregations.
They’re also completely brainwashed by the Conservative movement’s propaganda.
 
For example, Conservative leaders acknowledge that there is a Torah prohibition to drive on Shabbat. At the same time, they acknowledge that there is a mitzvah to daven in a minyan and a prohibition against separating from the community.
 
So guess which takes precedence?

This is why most Conservative Jews feel perfectly comfortable driving on Shabbat. Never mind that many of them could care less about attending a regular minyan...
 
For Shabbos Koidesh, they are mesirus nefesh to drive to daven in a minyan for Shabbos Shacharis(!)
 
By twisting things around and omitting certain information, you can even legitimize eating poultry with dairy as "kosher." This type of thing is what Christianity did with the Torah, too.

The Less You Know, The Better!
The Conservative movement survives by exploiting the ignorance of its adherents.
 
When I was a kid, some of the adults had received a Jewish day school education up until eighth grade and taught by Orthodox teachers (and how that was defined, I'm not sure). But back in the Fifties, the education and methodology were often tepid, depending. Yet my parents’ entire generation of non-Orthodox Jews were left with the impression that’s all there was to Torah-observance and, with a few exceptions, refuse to delve any deeper until this very day. Some of the elderly men had attended cheder in Europe until the age of 12-14, spoke Yiddish, and had grown up going through the motions of Torah observance. I didn't get their humor or their Yiddishisms, yet I liked them very much. But again, their impression of Torah Judaism was superficial. For them, Conservative Judaism offered them the best of both worlds—or so they thought. They were a warm and rollicking little group, but as they aged even more and their children assimilated, they grew embittered and haggard. When I first started coming closer to Judaism, one elderly man used to approach me every time he saw me and beg me to marry his son.
 
“I’ll buy you a house—a nice one!” he said. “A nice house in a good neighborhood!”

I laughingly rejected his offer.

Each time, he grew increasingly agitated and upped his offer. “I’ll leave you a million dollars. A million dollars! I promise—I’ll write it in my will with lawyers and everything! I’ll prove it to you. I promise. And with me, a promise is a promise!”
 
I remember the last time he approached me. When I turned down his offer for the final time, he shot me a look of disgust and flapped his hand at me. “You kids today,” he said. “You have no appreciation for the value of money and property! Look at what I’m offering you. How can you say no?”
 
Strangely, I wasn’t offended. I think because underneath his disgust lay some very legitimate Jewish grief and frustration. He wasn’t disgusted by my priorities; he was disgusted by his own that led him into the desperate situation he now found himself.
 
But to my teenage self, it seemed like a scene out of Fiddler on the Roof that should be acted out by people with funny names I’d never heard anywhere else, like Tzeitel and Mottel. I deeply regret that I was insensitive enough to laugh when the man was clearly in pain. But the whole idea of matchmaking and promising material rewards—buying your child a spouse, in a sense—seemed outlandish and comedic to me. And I also couldn’t imagine that his son would want me under such conditions—not to mention that his son was around thirty, which seemed middle-aged and gross to my teenage mind.
 
Anyway, the whole idea seemed embarrassing.

So despite the anguish etched in his wrinkled face, I was convinced he was joking. In a world of breezy intermarriages, drive-thru “conversions,” and people who only kept the mitzvot they found personally meaningful (and even then, not the whole mitzvah; only the parts of it they found meaningful and convenient). It never occurred to me that a Jew could care that deeply about preserving his Jewish continuity.
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The Conservative movement's patriots live in this bizarre bubble of fire, enthusiasm, and innovative kiruv ideas for their brand of Judaism, while waxing with perky lyricism about the firm ground they’re standing on and weaving wild fantasies of how successful they are.
 
But the whole time, they’re sinking lower and lower into the quicksand of anti-Torah ideas—and they drag a lot of innocent people down with them.
 

 
The Conservative movement is also the most responsible for the phenomenon of non-Jews who, sincerely thinking they’re Jewish, declare themselves Jewish and even insist on marrying Jews and participating in minyanim and Jewish activities, with real Jews none the wiser.
 
And while the Reform movement offers "conversions," it’s the Conservative movement that insists on illegitimate conversions, considering all the offspring of marriage with such a female "convert" as Jewish, when basic halachah proves they are not.
 
I remember one such family. When the Jewish patriarch died, his not-Jewish-but-thinks-she’s-Jewish wife still held a yearly Seder with all their children and grandchildren—not one of whom is Jewish. You also get these bizarre scenarios in which the not-Jewish-but-thinks-they-are parent or fiancée try to convince the non-Jewish love interest to "convert" to Judaism.
 
I dread the phone calls or emails I get from or about the not-Jewish-but-think-they-are in which they obviously feel the need to “break the news” to me (the fanatical Orthodox Jew) that they/their child is marrying a non-Jew and hope that’s okay with me. Or sometimes they don’t hope, but assert: “I know that this may offend you, however….”
 
I always tell them it is more than okay with me, and even preferred. Depending on who they are and how they feel about their pseudo-Jewish identity, I may even tell them why. The reaction is always surprised and sometimes even disappointed. (Disappointed because they were hoping for a religious attack so they could go back to their family and friends and talk about how persecuted they were by me, the religious zealot. And then everyone could feel victimized and commiserate. But alas….)
 
What I really hate, though, are the phone calls and emails that chirp things like: "Your cousin's wife attended the Purim Megillah reading! I think she's really starting to come around! Maybe a conversion is in the works???" My cousin isn't Jewish, but thinks he is. His wife isn't Jewish and knows she's not. Everything is fine. But people who don't know any better tell me this because they think it'll make me happy.
It doesn't.
 
It makes very, very sad to see non-Jews-who-think-they're-Jewish and Conservative Jews running around trying to convert people's non-Jewish spouses with the freneticness of a freshly caught fish flapping out its last moments on the dock in the open air.
 
I also find it bizarre that they are blind to how obnoxious and hypocritical they are. I mean, Conservative Jews HATE it when Christians proselytize them and when frum Jews try to impose "their" values and beliefs on them. Conservative Jews also battle at the forefront to stop public expressions of Christian holidays and a moment of silence in schools. But then they insist that their child's intended spouse bow to their ways and switch religions. They can be very friendly about it, but they are still persistent.

It’s a point of humbling gratitude to Hashem that He pulled any of us out of this quicksand and scoured that duplicitous gunk from our minds. This is when “Dayenu” really speaks to me. I’m not different or better than the people I grew up with. So why was I rescued and not them? It’s such a huge unearned kindness that I can’t wrap my mind around it.
Technically, I have no right to ask Hashem for anything more. (But I still do.)
Dayeni!

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With kiruv websites available for almost 20 years now and kiruv organizations alive and kicking since the Seventies and all that frum kiruv only growing in popularity and prominence, Conservative adherents have very little excuse for their continued brainwashing.
 
And getting back to the lovely couple with which this post started off:
There are already a lot of well-meaning and not-so-well-meaning destroyers in Eretz Yisrael. And while I tend to believe that coming to Eretz Yisrael inspires a return to Torah (hey, it worked for me!), it clearly doesn’t for many people (although for many people, it does). And maybe it wouldn’t have either for the cantor and his wife.
Maybe they would have become part of the problem here instead of part of the solution. So Hashem saved both them and us from that.
 
It hurts because I like the cantor and his wife so much. And I see them as victims of the greater Conservative movement, even though as enthusiastic participants, they became an active part of its destructive force.
There is still always the opportunity for them to do teshuvah.
And we can pray for their children along with all the other lost Jewish children.
 
But in the end, maybe what I said wasn’t so wacky after all. They made their decisions.
 
And maybe because of that, Hashem truly didn’t want them here.
 
(But real teshuvah can still change all that!)

During a race between Netanyahu and Peres, Rav Shach came out with the statement that people should vote for Netanyahu because “this one is less bad than that one.”
("Zeh pachot ra m’zeh.")

 

Just to reiterate, when Rav Shach told people to vote for Netanyahu, it wasn't because Netanyahu was good or decent or covered in smileys.
 
Rav Shach merely stated that Netanyahu wasn’t as bad (or wicked, depending on how you translate “ra”) as Peres.

The truth is that with exception of gedolim like Rav Shach, it’s difficult for rabbis to know the truth about candidates. Theoretically, they don’t go digging into candidates’ backgrounds and may not even have access or know how to access the information necessary.

It’s also a problem when frum publications do a whole spread or even make a candidate their cover story, as the candidate's views may be only barely acceptable while maintaining other positions that can ultimately lead to the destruction of the place they want to lead. Or candidates who come off as pro-Israel and make compelling speeches about Israel's importance, but support a two-state solution.
I’m far from the first to express this opinion.
Frum Jews have being saying this for over a decade.
 
A positive example is when Rabbi Wallerstein agreed to do a robocall about a candidate. He was clear that it was regarding one pivotal issue and did not endorse anything else about that candidate—that’s the Rav Shach method: no frills or flattery, just straight to the point.
 
But you can form opinions totally on your own. You just have to know what you're seeing when you see it.
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An Israeli Example
Bayit Yehudi immediately soared to glory. Yet the minute they turned their back on their halachically correct position of supporting IDF soldiers who refuse to clear out Jewish settlements, a great many of us knew they were just another blip on the wash-out screen.
 
This was a well-known act, yet some Orthodox rabbis continued to support them. It took more research to see how ridiculously far the party was willing to go. When pressed on this issue, one candidate insisted, “I am not a soldier, so I cannot comment on what soldiers should do in this situation.”
 
Oh, really?

Does that mean since I am not a man, I cannot comment on whether Jewish men should wear tefillin? I am a Jew, so I cannot comment on whether a non-Jew is allowed to commit murder? I am white, so I cannot comment on how blacks should have equal rights to me?
 
To give the benefit of the doubt, I think many frum voters assumed that Bayit Yehudi used this position as subterfuge to get elected, and would return to their first position upon winning.
 
But what would we say about a Jew who pretended not to keep Shabbat in order to get elected? Or who pretended that treif restaurants in Jerusalem are okay—just to get elected?
 
And I can’t remember who said it first, but the point was made at that time that of course soldiers can refuse orders! For example, what if soldiers were told: “Go into the preemie ward and behead all the babies”? Or, “Go to the zoo and barbeque all the koala bears!”
 
Would Bayit Yehudi claim that since they are no longer soldiers, then they have no right to decide how soldiers should respond to such commands? And should you write off their noncommittal reply as clever subterfuge meant to win the election?
 
I mean, sheesh. It’s either manipulative or cowardly or heretical.

So while I wouldn’t expect a serious rabbi to dig into political interviews and the like, Bayit Yehudi made clear from the outset their fundamental insincerity and duplicity.
 
(And just for knowing, I refused to vote for several other religious parties for similar reasons. I went for Yachad instead.)
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Barak Obama
Like many others, I suspected Barak Obama from the beginning (because he was a Democrat). Yet upon learning of Obama’s active support in Kenya in favor of his cousin’s Sharia candidacy over a pro-Democracy candidate, it was obvious that Obama was no good at his core.
 
What remotely decent person would ever actively campaign for a Sharia candidate over a Democracy candidate?
 
(Not that I would believe for a minute that a Third World democracy would be anything like a First World democracy, but in these cases, it’s the thought that counts.)
 
And unlike many other American Leftist bobble-heads, Obama grew up in an Islamic environment. He knows about FGM, honor killings, thief amputations, floggings, wife-beating, and all that.
 
Expectedly, carnage followed when the Democracy party won, with hundreds of pro-Democracy Christians being burned in churches by the pro-Sharia poor losers. While you can’t blame Obama directly for the resulting massacre, this kind of thing always happens in the Third World. Are you going to try to tell me that Obama had no idea the party he supported was capable of this? If I, suburban-raised, Israel-dwelling housewife knew, then he for sure knew.

Obama sure knows how to pick a winner, I guess.

Anyway, America either knew or chose not to know. And they voted for him anyway.
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Hillary Clinton
Her heinous history is so well-documented and easily researched.
We have audio, video, textual evidence of her heartlessness and hypocrisy going way, way back.
 

As far as I can tell, she is a malignant narcissist at best and a sociopath at worst.

But even without research, I think she revealed her true colors when she didn’t divorce Bill after his presidency ended. While it’s understandable why a woman wouldn’t initiate a divorce in the middle of her husband’s presidency, no self-respecting woman would ever stay with such a man (unless he forced her to in some way, which is clearly not the case with the Clintons).
 
There isn't much more to say because I haven’t heard of any serious frum rabbi who’d even dream of supporting her, so there's no need to debunk her here.
 
Next!
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Donald Trump
Even though I don't think Trump is quite as horrible as Obama or Hillary, I’m going to pick on Trump a bit because so many frum people back him for the wrong reasons.
 

 
If you plan to vote in the American elections (and I don't), then this would be a good time to follow Rav Shach’s dictum of voting for the “pachot ra” candidate.

However, there are many people I highly respect who warmly support Trump—and not as just the “pachot ra” choice.
 
I don’t fully understand the warm support of some frum journalists, bloggers, rabbis etc., for Trump. I have a feeling it has to do with not wanting to see just how bad things are when you live there and don’t want/can’t see a way to leave.
 
But maybe there are other reasons.
 
And please don’t think I am knocking any particular rabbi or journalist or blogger. Over the last several months, I’ve had almost no opportunity to listen to shiurim, even to my beloved Rabbi Wallerstein shiurim. I’m reading less and less news/blogs and haven’t read a frum magazine or newspaper in ages. But things have been going in a certain direction for years and I’ve glimpsed things even if I haven’t thoroughly explored them.
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And just to prove to you that disagreeing with a rabbi over a political situation does not in and of itself imply disrespect or arrogance, here is an example:
 
In the incredible book A Sun and a Shield, the Illeander Rav was one of the only Jews to escape the Dej ghetto with his family. The other was a young widow and her son. The Illeander Rav Yosef Paneth's daughter, Brandele, got caught in Poland under Nazi occupation and was eyewitness to years of Nazi atrocities before she managed to escape back to her family in Dej, Transylvania.
 
The Illeander Rav's brother, the Dejer Rebbe, was a tzaddik in his own right, yet he did not believe the testimony of his niece nor the persuasions of his holy brother. (pg. 176)

Even after the two tzaddikim were dumped with over 7500 fellow Jews in a forest with just a few planks for shelter and surrounded by barbed wire, the Dejer Rebbe said to his brother, "I can't believe what I'm hearing. Why would anyone want to kill innocent people?" He added that he also couldn't leave his community and his weaker family members.
 
The Illeander Rav begged his brother to let him save at least one child from the Dejer Rebbe's family. But no. Later, the Dejer Rebbe said, "What is it with my brother?...What could happen to us? The Magyars are not the Poles. They have been very decent to us all these years...."
 
On the cattle trains to Auschwitz, the Dejer Rebbe never lost his faith or his composure. He remained a source of comfort and encouragement to his fellow passengers the entire nightmarish journey that ended in the gas chambers.
 
So please don't think that by disagreeing with rabbis and people cleverer than me that I think I'm better than them or that I'm such a smartypants or whatever. We see throughout history that for incomprehensible reasons, Hashem sometimes chooses to blind even the wisest people. But that doesn't mean He's blinding you, too.
 
My point is that when a rabbi talks political situations, he doesn't necessarily know. It depends. In the above example, the Illeander Rav knew. The Dejer Rebbe didn't.
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However, I initially researched Trump because despite the following points, I considered voting for him as the “pachot ra” choice.
 
My research led me to avoid voting altogether.
 
Okay, so first of all, there are things that are well-known about Trump that I remember from my teens.

• Like how he dumped Wife #1 to marry Wife #2, with whom he cheated on with Wife #1.
  
• Then he dumped her and went on to Wife #3.

While we mostly expect this behavior of rich and powerful men, this still doesn’t show good morals or stability.

• His failed business enterprises that led to serious financial loss are not unknown in the frum community, primarily because some of the people hit were frum people hired by Trump for one thing or another. Trump lives in New York, home to the largest Diaspora population of frummies. And Trump is hard to miss.

So I’m going to assume that at the bare minimum, the frum Trump supporters know the above.
 
And with only a tiny bit of digging, Trump’s liberal positions come to light. His history shows that in contrast to his support base, he is socially VERY liberal. And immoral.
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The Trump/Esav Narcissist
If you've ever studied Narcissism, you've probably seen that Trump clearly displays all the classic attributes of a Narcissist, even down to the way he treats his children.
And this next point is very important:
 
Narcissists are always self-destructive. ALWAYS.

Even when they succeed for a while, they always end up self-destructing—and taking others with them.

This means that Trump will not do what’s good for America just because it’ll be good for his ego or whatever. He will not fight for America the way he fights for himself.

Narcissists have the same weird masochistic streak as suicide bombers.

Figuratively speaking, Narcissists will drill under their own seat in a boat and then try to escape when it starts sinking, stomping over everyone else in their way while vehemently declaring their innocence and victimhood, and insisting that others need to risk their lives to save them from the damage they themselves caused.

But don’t take my word for it. Ask anyone who has ever grown up with, married, or worked for a Narcissist.

When someone praised his children’s support of him, Trump scoffed that of course they support him, declaring they want his money, after all.

That is such a classically typical statement for a Narcissist parent to make. They either subscribe their children’s kindness towards them as some kind of bribe or ulterior motive, or they’re completely ungrateful, stating that of course their child does XY&Z for them! After all, the Narcissist parent deserves it after all he or she has done for that child—the child owes them. Constantly. Forever.

And what about this well-publicized statement?:
“I don't like to have to ask for forgiveness. And I am good. I don't do a lot of things that are bad. I try to do nothing that is bad."

This is also classical Narcissist talk. Trump has not only done many bad things, but he’s also done major “bad things.” But he doesn’t view them as bad.
 
Here’s another: "I think if I do something wrong, I think, I just try and make it right. I don't bring God into that picture. I don't."

Yet Trump has shown throughout his life that he is a poor judge of right and wrong. Also, people should be disturbed by a man portraying himself as religious stating unapologetically that he never brings God into “that picture.”
 
Interestingly, if you read the Torah commentaries, Trump also evokes a toned-down version of Esav, right down to his ruddiness.
 
And wouldn’t Esav make the same statement Trump made in his book The Art of the Deal?:
“If I told the real stories of my experiences with women, often seemingly very happily married and important women, this book would be a guaranteed best-seller.” 
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Trump the Creepy Dude
Trump appeared on a talk show with his daughter when one of the hostesses asked Trump how he would feel if his daughter posed in a famous pritzah magazine.
 
First he said, “I would be disappointed--well, not really…”
 
Then he said, “I don’t think Ivanka would do that. Although she does have a very nice figure. I've said that if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I would be dating her.”
And yes, this all took place right in front of his daughter.
Yuck!

Do people know about this?
 
And in researching this, I discovered that’s not the only inappropriate thing he has said about his daughter. There’s worse, but I didn’t have the stomach to look into it that much. There are also cringe-inducing photos of them together.
 
(By the way, this is also typical of Narcissistic parents. They have very poor and completely inappropriate boundaries with their children—usually not physically, but emotionally, yes.)

If people want to vote for Trump because Hillary is even worse, then that’s legitimate. But can we please stop this wackiness about Trump being a halfway decent candidate/human being?
He’s clearly not!
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Well, that's it. As you can see, Hashem gives us a whopping clue or two to guide our way. All we have to do is use our brains and our tefillah to come to the obvious conclusions.
 
Note: If you have the stomach for it, I hope you'll feel free to do your own research. Everything there is to know about Trump, Hillary, and Narcissism is widely available.

One of the many things Tu B'Av celebrates is the day Jewish women dressed up in white dresses and danced together, which allowed the Jewish guys to pick a wife based on her dancing. This always sounded strange to me until I noticed how people express themselves on the dance floor.
 
So last year, I wrote up a post on how you can actually perceive a person's personality by the way they dance or participate in dancing.
 
You can read it here: Tu B'Av: How Dancing Reflects the True You