Myrtle Rising

Q&A with Rav Itamar Schwartz on the Star of Mashiach, 15 Days of Darkness, the Light of Mashiach ben Yosef, Stocking Up on Food, What Happens with the Modern Descendants of the 10 Lost Tribes, and How Much Wiggle Room Time for Teshuvah

17/10/2021

In this post, this Q&A has been rearranged for improved reading clarity.
Please see the original here:
https://question.bilvavi.net/blog/2021/10/08/the-end-of-days/

THE END OF DAYS

QUESTION
The Zohar says that there will be 15 days of darkness in the world before Mashiach comes, and that a certain star will be visible 45 days before his arrival.

Is this all literal or does it mean something more mystical?

ANSWER
Any matters of agadta, especially statements of the Zohar, are not necessarily meant to be understood in the simple and literal sense.

QUESTION
The Zohar says that Mashiach ben Yosef will come before that period.

Can this be referring to the Arizal, who had the soul of Mashiach ben Yosef [and therefore the prophecy was already fulfilled with the Arizal, who was Mashiach ben Yosef], or is it referring to the Mashiach ben Yosef who will come in the future?

ANSWER
The light of “Mashiach ben Yosef” began then [in the Arizal’s times] and it is ongoing until today.

QUESTION
Someone said that it says in the Zohar that the reason why the Erev Rav still continues to rule over us [in Eretz Yisrael] even though the foretold 70 years of their rule has been delayed longer, is because Moshe Rabbeinu asked the Erev Rav after they came out of Egypt if they want their reward now or in the end of days, and they responded that they want their reward in the end of days.

That is why the Erev Rav got rewarded with ruling over Eretz Yisrael with the establishment of their state.

Is this true?

Does it say that in the Zohar?

ANSWER
That is one of the reasons.

QUESTION
Is it worthwhile to stock up on food, drinks, and candles to get ready for the war of Gog and Magog which may be this year?

And if yes, how much should a person stock up for?

Is there any physical preparation we need to do, besides for spiritually preparing?

ANSWER
If one is concerned about it, he should stock up for 2 weeks worth of food.

QUESTION
I have heard that the “Ten Lost Tribes” who are spread out in the countries of China, Afghanistan, India (etc.) – who can be identified as people who keep the mitzvos and who remember and say that they are from the Jewish people, and some of them even have lineage records that go back to Yaakov Avinu – will these Jews return to the Jewish people?

ANSWER
Yes.

QUESTION
What will happen to the Chilonim and Chareidim right before Mashiach comes?

Will there be a time when Eliyahu HaNavi will reveal himself to us and will that cause all the Chilonim [secular Jews] to do teshuvah and will that cause all the Chareidim to throw away their smartphones, will the women throw away their forbidden wigs, and will everyone disconnect emotionally from the Israeli government, from the Erev Rav, and instead searching only for closeness with Hashem?

And then only those who do teshuvah will be zocheh [merit] to be around when Mashiach comes?

Or will Mashiach come and then everyone who did teshuvah will be zocheh to survive and those who didn’t do teshuvah won’t?

ANSWER
There will be a revelation of the light of Eliyahu, and it will not necessarily be an actual face-to-face revelation of Eliyahu.

Rather, it is very possible that it will become an enlightenment, in which people will recognize the truth, and then each person will have the free will if he wants to repent.

Please note: Rav Itamar Schwartz lovingly opposes all forms of the Internet & has no connection to the Bilvavi site.
Rav Schwartz has no more connection with the Bilvavi website than Rav Kanievsky does with all the websites that post videos & quotes of him.
For more explanation, please see the Disclaimer here:
https://eng.bilvavi.net/opinion/

The Kotel (Western Wall) in Yerushalayim

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Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Lech-Lecha: Creating Yourself

14/10/2021

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In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah for Parshas Lech Lecha 5 – Covenant of Connection, we hear about the well-known human drive toward innovation & creativity.

Hashem imbued human beings with this.

A beaver can only ever make a dam.

Like this:

And it can't even make a dam of bricks or pebbles.

It can certainly never make a snow hotel (even on a snowy day) to entertain other beavers for parnassa, thereby increasing the beaver's standard of living.

A beaver cannot make a nest in a tree or live in a cave.

That's just one example.

So we see this drive to express creativity exists as a uniquely human aspect, emanating from the human soul.

A snow hotel in Norway....a no-can-do for Beavers

The Purpose of Human Creativity

This explains why, says Rav Miller, people enjoy immersing themselves in creative activities & hobbies, even thought they could buy a ready-made cake, latch-hook rug, cabinet, or airplane model.

Instead, people like to engage in such activities (and many more) themselves.

It all comes from the human urge to create.

This urge or instinct derives from Hashem, Who was the First Creator.

When He blew his breath into Adam, He imbued the human being with His own qualities.

Creativity is one of them.

And the Torah name for this is tikkun—repair, rectification, improvement.

While Rav Miller acknowledges the deeper meaning—fixing one's character or spiritual aspects of oneself & the world—here, the rav focuses on the basic meaning on tikkun.

And Rav Miller sets us straight about it on pages 6 & 7:

And so if your husband wants to build a bookcase to accentuate his Shas, very good.

He should buy an expensive Shas and build a beautiful bookcase and let the seforim stand beautifully on the shelves that he built with his own hands.

It will lend an aura of Torah to your home. Excellent!

And when your wife bakes challah, that’s also a wonderful thing; that’s using her creative instinct for a wonderful purpose. On Shabbos, when she puts those lechem haponim, the Showbread, on the table the whole family should admire the golden challos.

However, we understand that we are not created for the purpose of chopping forests and making bookcases; we weren’t created for the purpose of turning flour and sugar and margarine into fancy cakes.

Because no matter what, you have to know what is the most important creation.

You!

That’s part of the job. It’s not your only job in this world, but it’s part of the job!

And actually it’s the most important.

***

These are the children of Noach, Noach. [Beresheit 6:9]

It means the first and the best child of Noach was Noach himself.

That’s your most important job in this world, to create yourself; to fix yourself.

The Tonsils & the Appendix

Nothing in the human body is extraneous.

God doesn't do that.

We see that we don't find extraneous parts in our cars — and those are very simple creations (compared to a human being) & made by the best humankind has to offer (which is still nothing compared to Hashem's Best).

Sure, scientists continue to insist on all sorts of vestigial organs, but increased research ends up nullifying their nullifications.

For example, when my mom was a girl, everyone got their tonsils taken out. Medical experts could see no reason for tonsils.

Then they discovered tonsils do a great job at fighting infection.

Needless to say, tonsils occasionally still need to be removed, but only when proven their existence harms the person more than their removal.

Same thing with the appendix.

While the location and danger of an infected appendix still require its removal in many cases, some places aim to first treat an infected appendix with antibiotics.

They discovered the much-snubbed appendix actually serves an important function.

It possibly stores healthy gut bacteria and plays an important role in the development of antibodies.

So Hashem created nothing extraneous.

The Secret of Brit Milah

Therefore, isn't it intriguing that one of the first commandments upon a baby boy is brit milah—to remove a small part of his body?

Hashem created the human male with a part necessary to remove in order to teach us we are here for tikkun.

When Hashem asked Avraham Avinu to walk before Him and be "tamim" with Hashem, He meant "wholeness."

Hashem meant a person should perfect himself, make himself or herself as complete as possible, as polished as possible—with Hashem.

How do we do that?

The Key to True Greatness

The key is keeping Hashem before us at all times.

Rav Miller repeats the Rambam, who emphasized THAT as the greatness of our Patriarchs & Matriarchs.

Yes, they performed great deeds...AMAZING deeds!

But those deeds results from their great MINDS.

They filled their minds with Hashem every moment of their lives.

And this enabled them to perceive things in a special way, which led them toward acts of greatness.

Peaches & the Path to Perfection

Here's Rav Miller on page 12:

I was walking today with a young man, and I saw a peach pit lying on the sidewalk.

I said, “Look at that! A miracle!”

He said, “Where? What is it?”

I pointed at the peach pit but he looked at me blankly.

It means he has a lot of work to do still.

On page 13, Rav Miller details the miracle of the peach pit.

Noticing & examining things like that is one way to keep Hashem in mind & become great.

Another way to develop this is to say, "Hashem is looking at me right now."

Maintain this awareness of Hashem from one bus stop to another or while walking from one utility pole to another.

And Rav Miller assures as that cultivating an awareness of Hashem, of performing this all-important tikkun on ourselves, is the greatest career & greatest accomplishment & greatest kavod we can ever create.

Credit for all quotes & material goes to Toras Avigdor.

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The First Time I Went to Kever Rachel was the Same Night Rabin was Assassinated

13/10/2021

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Here's a link to a post I wrote on my first visit to the Kever of Rachel Imeinu on her yahrtzeit...which coincided with the night Rabin was shot:
the-real-legacy-of-yitzchak-rabin.html

Kever Rachel Imeinu (Photo by Irit Levy @ Pikiwiki)

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Rav Itamar Schwartz on the Chafetz Chaim's Prediction of Mashiach after 10 Shemitah Cycles

13/10/2021

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Here is a Q&A with Rav Itamar Schwartz regarding Mashiach coming after 10 Shemitah cycles.

I rearranged the question-answer order for clarity, but please see the original here:
https://question.bilvavi.net/blog/2021/10/09/mashiach-after-10-shemittah-cycles/

Mashiach After 10 Shemittah Cycles

QUESTION:
I heard in the name of the Chofetz Chaim that after 10 Shemittah cycles there will be the war of Gog and Magog.

Is that true? Is the 10th Shemitah year referring to this coming Shemitah year?

ANSWER:
Yes.

QUESTION:
And if yes, what do we need to do to prepare for Mashiach?

And if it’s true, why don’t the Rabbonim prepare Klal Yisrael for it and why aren’t they speaking about it openly?

ANSWER:
In other responses, we explained what the avodah in our generation is, and that that we are in the middle of the war of Gog and Magog.

Here's a very brief explanation of the avodah of our generation:

The Mitzvah of Our Generation

QUESTION:

What is the special mitzvah that our generation has especially?

ANSWER:

The mitzvah of Tamim Tiyheh Im Hashem Elokecha, “You shall be wholesome to Hashem your G-d.” And from there shines the mitzvah of Anochi Hashem.

https://question.bilvavi.net/blog/2021/10/09/the-mitzvah-of-our-generation/

You can also see a very long question (with a very long answer) regarding our avodah, including certain observations (both positive & negative, made with sincere intentions for genuine problem-solving) about the current charedi community we've all probably made ourselves.

Intriguingly, the question seeks guidance on how to combine the best of the charedi yeshivish community and the best of the chardal (charedi-dati-leumi) community.

The response from Rav Itamar Schwartz is equally intriguing:
https://question.bilvavi.net/blog/2021/10/09/pnimiyus-in-our-generation/

And as far as the basic avodah goes, here is an excerpt:

This is the entire avodah of the generation and its tikkun:

To separate from the 50th level of tumah and to connect to the 50th level of kedushah, which is all-inclusive of every holiness, because the 50th gates contains all the other gates together, all the way to the deepest and simplest connection that there is, the One Who is the absolute Simplest, Hashem, Whom there is none other besides.

Image by dyskfirmowy0

Please note: Rav Itamar Schwartz lovingly opposes all forms of the Internet & has no connection to the Bilvavi site.
Rav Schwartz has no more connection with the Bilvavi website than Rav Kanievsky does with all the websites that post videos & quotes of him.
Please see the Disclaimer here:
https://eng.bilvavi.net/opinion/

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Communications from "Stars" or "Angels" in Today's UFO Cults? Nothing New – The Generation of the Flood Did That Too

12/10/2021

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This posts connects to this previous post:
the-1-idea-you-need-to-know-when-hearing-anything-about-space-aliens-ufos.html

In the English version of the Me'am Loez on Parshat Noach (Beresheis 5:11), page 309, the following appears regarding the generation punished by dying in the Flood:

As time passed, other charlatans began to appear; they claimed that an angel or star had spoken to them and had told them to worship it.

Each one invented a different kind of worship.

This struck me because over the past decades, different UFO cults developed — all based on communications with either angels or far-off stars.

Based on this Me'am Lo'ez (published in 1730 in Constantinople), we see these movements are nothing new.

The leaders of these movements either knowingly fool people or they truly believe they communicate with stars (or entities inhabiting those stars) or angels. But either way, they are charlatans...just like their counterparts in the Generation of the Flood.

(And if they truly receive communications, the communications are definitely not from stars or angels. It's either their own malfunctioning mind or they've attracted the attention of impure entities much closer to home.)

Either way, this stands as yet another indication the Generation of the Flood has reincarnated into our generation:
the-generation-of-the-flood-has-reincarnated-into-our-generation-heres-the-evidence-also-what-you-can-do-to-protect-yourself-others.html

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Part III: A Personal Story of How to Use the Undesirable Behavior of Others as a Message, How & Why It Works, Plus What to Do & What to Avoid

11/10/2021

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Let's continue with an illustrative story about the idea from the previous posts:

An Imbalance in the Ratio of Positive to Negative

So here's something that happened a while ago:

In general, I'd been working on speaking more positively to my husband & children.

I mean, I always strove to behave with good middot at home, but decided to up my game.

Dealing with young children presents a greater challenge because their not-yet-matured brain demands a certain amount of curbing so they learn to be civilized & also not harm themselves.

So they need to learn tact, manners, plus tons of safety rules.

This makes it hard to be just positive. Also, some children will not listen when you caution them too nicely (like about not darting into the street, or climbing up to play with the saw you put on the shelf all the way up near the ceiling because you thought he wouldn't reach it there, etc.).

Anyway, I made some major adjustments to deal with one child's very complex personality, and enjoyed the positive results.

I felt good about my self-improvement program & kept going with it.

Around that time, my schedule led me to frequent meetings with an old acquaintance as we passed each other out and about.

She always greeted me warmly & often had a good word to say.

Yet sometimes, she called out some helpful advice or constructive criticism about something.

Many times, her advice or criticism was correct.

But after a while, it got tiring.

I didn't always feel like explaining why I was doing something a certain way — even when her way really was better.

Sometimes, I just couldn't manage to do things "right" at that moment (or even that week).

Also, she assumed reasons that weren't always true.

For example, if you pass by someone who looks tired, it could be she needs more sleep.

Or vitamins. Or maybe she just received troubling news or feels depressed.

Maybe it takes her a long time to wake up fully & she's out and about before she's completely awake after a night's sleep or a daytime nap.

So cheerfully calling out to such a person, supportively encouraging her to go to bed earlier could be a good solution for her, but if she's still looking tired for OTHER reasons...then it's not helpful.

Or you tell the well-meaning advice-giver, "Thank you for your concern. I went to bed as early as I could, but the baby was particularly wakeful that night."

And like I said, she's genuinely nice & often responded sympathetically with, "Awww...yeah, that happens sometimes — but you're doing a great job!"

So that's what I mean.

She was very positive & went out of her way to give chizuk to others. She also was very generous with whatever chessed she could do, like giving people really good recommendations or money, and so on.

But at one point, I just felt like I'd rather not see her at all, even though her positive comments really give me a lift.

If I had to have the helpful hints & constructive criticism with all the praise & encouragement, I started feeling like I'd rather have neither.

Here's How to NOT Shoot the Messenger

So this went on for a while despite having already habituated myself to use unpleasant interactions as messages from Hashem.

I procrastinated because of emotional laziness.

But finally, I sat down with Hashem & combed through the pattern.

Basically, the bare-bones description of the interaction came out like this:

Here's a genuinely good & sincerely well-meaning person giving lots of positive feedback — but with constructively intended negative feedback that (though often correct) was really getting to be too much, and NOT outweighed by the positive (even though it was often correct!).

But it was simply too much.

Am I also doing that in some way?

The answer, of course, was...yes!

I realized 2 things:

I still hadn't achieved the best ratio of positive to negative with my youngest child.
The necessary instructive aspect of parenting was too intense; I needed to tone it down.

(Meaning, even if you need a child to be ready on time in the morning or go to bed on time at night — with all the instructions & warnings that entails, depending — it's good to note how stressed you are when doing it. Maybe the emotional intensity needs to be toned down.)

So I thanked Hashem for this message & asked Him to help me carry it out effectively.

And I got to work on myself.

Message Received!

The very next day, I did not see her where I usually passed her.

In fact, several days went by without seeing her.

(I felt both relieved & disappointed — relieved because I was happy not to hear the less positive comments, but disappointed by the sudden absence of the very positive comments.)

After a few days, I saw her from afar, from where she gave me a friendly wave & a big smile.

From then on, we only ran into each other sporadically — and she was almost always positive when we did run into each other.

Isn't that interesting?

It all changed overnight.

At that point, all I'd done was identify the flaw Hashem highlighted & taken upon myself to correct it, and just barely started — and the messenger already changed.

Now, it doesn't always work that fast. But a lot of times it does.

(At the same time, please know that some "messengers" barely improve at all, despite doing your best to glean the message. There are other spiritual reasons for unpleasant interactions & relationships.)

As so often emphasized in Judaism, Hashem does not expect us to be perfect.

He DOES expect us to TRY.

Often, just starting down the right path sweetens things.

Once you've shown you've gotten the message, then you no longer need the messenger.

Either the messenger disappears or changes.

(Again, that's IF the reason for the other's unpleasant behavior was SOLELY to give you a message about your own behavior.)

We All Have Our Blind Spots

Another reason sold me on this method and that's this:

How else could I possibly have realized the change I still needed to make?

After all, many people commented throughout the years that I tend to speak to my children with warmth & positivity.

And I'd just embarked on a new self-improvement program & had already improved in that same area.

My young child responded well to the improvements I'd already made, and his behavior gave no indication of a lack on my part.

Furthermore, I wouldn't have felt any need to consult with anyone because my child's behavior was fine.

Had I been in a chinuch class, I would've felt like I was following the positivity-negativity ratio proscribed by the chinuch pro.

So for all the above reasons, what could possibly indicate I still needed to stretch myself further in this area?

Nothing!

Yet I DID need to step up my game a bit more.

And how else could I possibly come to this conclusion on my own?

I couldn't!

But Hashem saw I could be doing better, so He sent me an encouraging message via this particular messenger.

There was no other way for me to know.

And THAT right there says why this method is vital for any program of self-improvement:

Sometimes, there is no other way to know.

Why Standard Techniques for Dealing with Difficult People Cannot Always Work & This Method Will

Just a short note regarding another point of this method's importance...

Had I used any therapeutic tips for dealing with difficult interactions, it wouldn't have solved the main issue.

For example, had I exhibited the socially encouraged self-esteem & healthy assertiveness and "I" statements by telling her something like, "I appreciate so much your encouragement & concern. But I'm not finding the helpful advice as beneficial as intended. The positive encouragement helps me the most."

Or if I avoided her by taking a different route or just blankly saying "Thank you!" as a brush-off to anything she said...then how would that help when the real issue was something lacking in ME?

The whole reason she behaved this way was because of me — not because of her.

Her behavior was a message from Hashem.

So how would being assertive or avoiding her remedy the situation?

Even if it remedied her behavior, Hashem would just send the same message from somewhere else (and possibly even stronger & more unpleasant).

(Anyway, we saw in Part II how the avoidance technique did not help the woman who needed to stop her hurtful sniping.)

At the same time, sometimes assertiveness or avoidance ARE what Hashem wants you to do!

I don't mean to completely negate those options.

I just believe that looking for Hashem's message should either come first or be part of the response.

Also, if you have a mentor or a therapist, you could do this with them IF they're open to this method.

Sometimes another person can help so much in getting to the bottom of it.

Other times, it's too personal & you need to do it yourself.

So whichever way works for your needs.

Cultivating Yourself Positively & According to Your Real Capabilities

Another point is this:

Hashem knows your ACTUAL capabilities.

He knows where you REALLY could be holding at your present level.

Other people (including experts, professionals, consultants, etc.) can mess you up by pushing you beyond your capabilities OR in a direction all wrong for you (but maybe appropriate for someone else).

They don't mean to; they genuinely want to help. And many of them do genuinely help & aim for sensitivity toward their subject's real level & real needs.

But they aren't perfect, some have burnt out but don't realize it, and some either aren't capable of complex thinking or haven't done enough inner work of their own to help others beyond a certain point.

Sometimes, they can make you feel so bad & hopeless, either because they think that's what you need or they didn't realize their approach would make you feel that way.

And by the way, even if someone really is a bad parent or spouse, it's rarely effective to make them feel bad or hopeless about themselves.

Most dysfunctional people got that way from being toxically shamed, so shaming them further shoves them further into their dysfunction.

(This also includes good people who suffer from some dysfunctional aspect. Their dysfunctional aspect developed from an overdose of shame, so shaming them further either makes that aspect worse or brings only a temporary improvement before they fall back even more deeply into the dysfunctional aspect.)

There is a place for using intense shame, but rarely. It almost always makes things worse, so better safe than sorry.

Anyway, if someone is basically good & well-intended, but really messing up in one aspect — why make them feel like they're awful overall?

So that approach generally proves either untrue or ineffective or destructive — or all three.

And just to be clear: I'm not saying you shouldn't turn to another person for help.

If the person is genuinely helpful, then you SHOULD turn to that person!

If you found a mentor, rabbi, rebbetzin, therapist, friend, or consultant who genuinely helps, then that's a gift from Hashem and He definitely wants you to use it!

So go for it.

But this method (using other's behavior as a message from Hashem) provides an extra angle, plus it's a message from Hashem Himself Who loves you more than anyone else could, and also knows what your true capabilities are...so He will not push you past your level or push you in a direction wrong for you.

The Main Points for Using Other's Undesirable Behavior as a Message to for Your Own Self-Improvement

Just to review:

Using the undesirable behavior of others as a springboard for your own self-scrutiny is often the only way to access certain aspects of self-awareness and thus, self-improvement. So it's pretty valuable.

Seeing undesirable behavior does not ALWAYS mean you do it too (but it's just good to check whether that IS the message).

Self-scrutiny (cheshbon hanefesh) should ONLY be done with LOVE & COMPASSION for yourself.

Self-scrutiny can be grueling & cringe-inducing (especially if you discover something very distasteful), so please view yourself positively—it's wonderful that you're willing to examine your deeds!

During self-scrutiny, please BE NICE to yourself. BE GENTLE.

Avoid thoughts of self-condemnation, self-flagellation, self-loathing, despair, or getting bogged down in unhelpful philosophizing like: "What does this say about it me? Does it mean I'm a really bad person/parent/spouse/child?"

Even if you really are an awful person, viewing yourself as awful will make you worse, not better.

At the very moment you decide to examine yourself, you are no longer bad, but very good & courageous.

Using other's undesirable behavior for self-improvement makes you one in a hundred-million because the vast majority of the world will never even consider doing this—yet you actually do it!

Again, it's important to stay away from the whole "What negative does this say about me in general?"

If you conclude you are a narcissist, an abuser, a psychopath, Erev Rav, or any other wholly negative & hopeless label...then how does that possibly help you?

Even if you ARE any of the above, it doesn't help to see yourself that way overall.

Really.

I emphasize this because so many people think seeing themselves positively is apologist psychobabble and dishonest.

By condemning themselves as a whole, they think they're being honest.

They're NOT.

You comprise a tzelem Elokim, Hashem breathed His qualities into you (Genesis ), and you possess a uniquely human soul unlike any other living thing in the world.

If you're Jewish, you possess a Jewish soul too, which is a pristine & lofty entity.

Just work things one step at time without the wholesale negative labeling.

A Self-Image based on Authentic Torah Hashkafah

Let's leave off with a quote from the Breslov tzaddik Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, who was certainly no apologist or a superficial psychobabbler (emphasis mine):

Even in oneself, see only good points and do not consider yourself wicked — despite the fact that you well know the low place you are in.

How you are filled from head to toe with destructive traits.

Nevertheless, the Rebbe teaches us that one should never negate himself.

Because if someone will cancel out and judge himself to be completely bad, he will not be able to do teshuvah and draw close to Hashem Yisbarach.

By seeing only bad in himself, he closes the way completely.

***

This is part of Hashem's Mercy, that He runs the world with chessed.

He lifts up a person who has only one point of merit and brings him to a very high place...

— Words of Faith, Volume II, pages 286 & 288

Previous parts:

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An Informal Social Experiment Indicates Israeli Society Discriminates against Charedim More than against Arabs – And Why That Happens.

10/10/2021

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A couple of months ago, son's Muslim-Arab boss, Mustafa, complained to my son about Jewish discrimination against Arabs in Eretz Yisrael.

No matter that all the Muslim-Arab countries in the world also host discrimination (sometimes extremely violent & lethal discrimination) against Christian-Arabs and even against their fellow Muslim-Arab brethren based on class, ethnicity, clan loyalties, religiosity, and so forth — it's only a problem when Jews do it.

(And Jews aren't even unwarrantedly violent about it when it does happen.)

And unlike the reason for discrimination among Muslim-Arabs in Muslim-Arab countries, the main reason why an Arab might experience discrimination in Eretz Yisrael is due to the very realistic fear of Jew-hatred & terrorism (even though certainly not every Muslim is a terrorist or a Jew-hater).

So my son replied, "I promise you — there is more discrimination against charedim than against Arabs."

Mustafa scoffed at the idea.

"Oh yeah?" said my son. "I'll prove it to you."

So my son took Mustafa to the elevator of a popular mall catering to a mostly secular Jewish middle-to-upper-class crowd.

There my son gave Mustafa the following instructions:

"Get on the elevator with your mask covering your mouth & not your nose. Speak into your cell phone in Arabic so it's clear you're an Arab. At the same time, pay attention to how the other passengers react. Keep riding the elevator until I get on. Make sure you're positioned to see how everyone responds when I get on."

At this point, it's important to know my son is a very clean & spiffy-looking 18-year-old with excellent personal hygiene. He dresses in a neat white shirt, black pants, and a black kippah (no suit jacket or hat).

So Mustafa rode the elevator, speaking into his phone in Arabic & wearing his mask improperly (without covering his nose), and suffered no adverse reaction from any of the passengers (who also wore their masks over only their mouths or around their chins).

Mustafa rode up & down in peace until my son finally stepped in with his mask properly positioned over both his mouth & nose.

Immediately, as if on cue, all the passengers took a step back (social distancing!) & pulled their masks up over their nose.

Mustafa & my son got off at the next floor and Mustafa said, "Okay, you win. You're right. I never would've believed it, but charedim suffer more discrimination than Arabs."

Why the Disproportionate Discrimination?

What could possibly be the reason for this more extreme discrimination against charedim?

(And I don't mean just the fear that charedim are covid-carriers. That was just one example of discrimination for illustration.)

Before covid came along, people carry a lot of fear & even hatred of charedim.

Not everyone, of course, but you listen to the REASON for their hatred & fear, you'll notice it almost exclusively comes from what they read or saw in the media.

A lot of times, their personal experience with charedim is even positive, but they still oppose charedim in general based on the media.

But why?

And why would you consider the charedi community more of a threat than the Arab community (despite all the decent Arab folk)?

After all, when was the last time any charedi did the following:

Strap explosives, including screws & nails, onto himself, then blow himself up on a bus?
Randomly stab people?
Decapitate a nursing baby? (Hadas Fogel in the Itamar terror atrocity)
Drive a car into pedestrians with the intent of murder?
Crush innocent people with a bulldozer?
Open automatic machine gun fire on restaurant patrons?
Support missile attacks on Jews?
Support other countries who wish war on Jews in Eretz Yisrael?
Pass out candies to celebrate a terror attack against Jews?
Cheer the 9/11 attack on America?

I'm not saying anyone should go around bullying random Arabs (who may be perfectly law-abiding peaceful fellows), but the fear of charedim over the fear of a group which, while comprised of perfectly decent people, also produces a larger-than-normal percentage of bloodthirsty savages — well, this dichotomy makes no sense.

As far as I can tell, this disproportionate fear-mongering comes from the media.

The media values being politically correct over facts & common sense.

The media emphasizes the need to treat Arabs with respect and not assume every Arab is a terrorist...

...while at the same time, this same media encourages intense fear & hatred of charedim, spotlighting & magnifying ANY negative act committed by any charedi.

Sometimes, a criminal act occurs in a charedi neighborhood & is reported as "charedi violence"—but cameras clearly show the perps are NOT charedi.

They may have been at one point, they may have even grown up in the charedi neighborhood, but their appearance shows they no longer identify as charedi — yet the violence is reported as "charedi violence."

This is like saying all the pre-WWII wholly assimilated maskilim & completely secular commies are ultra-Orthodox or Chassidic simply because that's how they grew up.

Actually, some historians did this with the heartless Warsaw ghetto police force.

Because some of the police grew up frum (even though long before the Warsaw ghetto, they cast off all vestiges of Torah Judaism), some historians labeled them as Orthodox Jews — simply to vilify Orthodox Jews, even though, if I remember correctly, not even one was actually a practicing Jew at that time.

One of the heads of the ghetto police was even a former Christian pastor; so go figure.

I'm not saying charedim never behave badly. I've lived in charedi communities in Eretz Yisrael since 1994, and I know the ins & outs, and even the specific issues of different groups.

(I've also lived among other groups, both Jewish & not, so I've what to compare too.)

But to incite people to fear & hate charedim more than the group that produces suicide bombers & baby beheaders?

And most severely, this fear-and-hate fest infests the secular Jewish media.

Ending on a Positive Note!

It's also important to note that Israeli society has been improving in this regard as more people meet actual charedim (rather than relying on the media to form their opinion) & also develop an interest in exploring their own religion.

Many non-charedi Jews feel kinship with charedim (along with other types of Jews), and this has been a welcome transition — which the secular Jewish media continues to fight with rabid disproportion.

For related posts:

And just because I know some people (again, misled by the secular Jewish media) will have answered "Neturei Karta!" to a couple of the bulleted questions above, please see this post in response:
whats-the-deal-with-neturei-karta.html
(It's essential to read the comments in which a knowledgeable Satmar chassid contributes to the discussion.)

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Rav Miller on Parshat Noach, Rav Schwartz on Chodesh Cheshvan, and a Sweet Snippet of Torah Life in Eretz Yisrael

7/10/2021

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Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Noach

I don't see that Toras Avigdor produced a new dvar Torah for Parshat Noach this year (and who can blame them after the bustling Shabbat-chag-Shabbat-chag experience this year?—some us are still catching up!).

So here is the one from before:
https://torasavigdor.org/parshas-noach-5-great-men-of-the-world/

And another from even earlier, focusing on the Flood:
https://torasavigdor.org/parshas-noach-4-the-world-of-nothing/

Parshat Noach is always fascinating because that's where everything all started. (It's also where everything ended.)

In the most recent dvar Torah, Rav Miller talks about the innovations in metallurgy, music (classical), shepherding, housing, meat delicatessen, and etiquette produced by the offspring of Kayin (Cain).

And, as usual in Torah attitude, we learn how Kayin's descendants stood out as the really cool people in the world while the world considered Kayin's baby brother, Shes (Seth), as just a regular nice guy—and they held the same attitude toward Shes's descendant, Noach.

Page 11:

And so what could a man like Noach – no matter how righteous he may be – what can a man like that show to compete with the descendants of Kayin?

If we would search the newspapers of ancient times we wouldn’t find anything mentioned of Noach.

Nobody would think of Noach as a candidate for the one who brought blessing to the world.

In the mouths of Mankind, he was not mentioned at all!

Yet the nice quiet guys inherited it all.

Not one descendant remains from Kayin. (Or Hevel/Abel, for that matter.)

Nice, humble, non-flashy, unimpressive Shes got it all.

If you also wish to read the old Myrtle Rising post about it, please click here:
rav-avigdor-miller-on-parshat-noach-the-nice-guy-always-wins-in-the-end.html

And the previous one:
rav-avigdor-miller-on-parshat-noach-why-davka-a-flood.html

Rav Itamar Schwartz on Chodesh Cheshvan

To enhance your Hebrew month of Cheshvan, please check out these posts from Bilvavi:

The mazal/astrological sign of Cheshvan is Akrav/Scorpion/Scorpio:
https://bilvavi.net/english/rosh-chodesh-mazal-011-cheshvan-scorpion

The Tribe correlating to Cheshvan is Levi:
https://bilvavi.net/english/rosh-chodesh-tribe-008-chesvan-levi

Cheshvan also correlates to the actions of the nose:

Scent
https://bilvavi.net/english/essence-month-010-cheshvan-scent

Breathing
https://bilvavi.net/english/rosh-chodesh-avodah-008-marchesvan-breathing

This last one includes an interesting Q&A at the end, explaining how to do the breathing exercises, plus the vital difference between the non-Jewish breathing exercises & the authentically Jewish ones.

A Sweet Snippet of Torah Life in Eretz Yisrael

The other evening, I glanced out my son's bedroom window as I was lowering the shade, and happened to see our Sephardi-charedi neighbor in his yard quietly bent over a Gemara while gently rocking his baby in its carriage.

He kept at it for a long time.

(In general, he's known to be a very nice, sincere, and gentle fellow.)

It was a very sweet heart-warming sight that makes me grateful that Hashem brought me to this life & to live where I do.

A glimpse of a window scene in a town in Eretz Yisrael (not mine, but photographed by someone named Ri Butov).

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Part II: A Story of Why & How This Method Could've been Used–But Wasn't (plus a list of tips of how to do this in the healthiest way)

6/10/2021

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The previous post (part-i-why-i-initially-rejected-a-fundamental-torah-idea-how-i-learned-to-embrace-it.html) described my problem toward a fundamental Torah idea & significant part of doing teshuvah, and how I learned to eventually embrace it & see the powerful truth in it.

Before we continue with illustrative stories, some vital ideas to keep in mind:

It's important to emphasize that while using the undesirable behavior of others as a message to yourself & inspiration for self-scrutiny works & is often what Hashem wants us to do...

...it is not the only reason for their undesirable behavior toward you.

It could also be meant as yissurim, cleansing atonement for sins done in your past, including your past lives.

It could be a lesson in what NOT to do in the future—before you ever even think of doing it. But now you'll be prepared when faced with the situation in the future.

Other reasons also exist.

But as you'll see below, just seeking out Hashem's message for you in the undesirable behavior of others helps so much.

(But again, please make sure to do this with love & compassion for yourself—the message itself from Hashem is meant as an act of love.)

A Story of Undesirable Behavior

Several years ago, long-time friendship started to deteriorate.

While this friend occasionally displayed passive-aggressive behaviors since I'd known her, it got much worse over time.

While she always knew she tended to engage in passive-aggressive sniping (she admitted this outright several times), she also gave the impression she was working on it.

(And I think she really was working on it at one point.)

So it got confusing when the behavior increased.

She could respond with great insight, validation, and empathy—or verbally kick you when you were already down via a verbal barb—shot into you with a little laugh.

I found her behavior increasingly difficult & painful, but I thought maybe I was doing something wrong too, like maybe not being sensitive toward her needs or something.

Yet an indication of how far she went in this undesirable behavior came when she laughingly revealed she strove to restrain her verbal barbs when dealing with others—except for her husband & a challenging son.

"They deserve it," she sniggered.

That was a splash of icy water in my face.

Her husband was an exceptionally fine person, learning & working as he should, plus behaving with exemplary middot at home.

Even more, whenever told he needed to adjust his behavior for the needs of his wife or children, he actually did so.

He never acted out any anger, no matter how much his wife provoked him or how his children behaved. (And they have a couple of very challenging children.)

Several times, she expressed frustration regarding not feeling justified in complaining about him because she did not suffer the problems she heard from married friends & shalom bayit classes—meaning, she knew her husband was better than almost all the rest.

But she still felt irritated by him at times, so she found herself stuck in her self-made quandary of feeling dissatisfied, but not feeling she had a right to complain.

Her complaints against him related to his inability to read her mind—an issue she had with most people, including friends & her parents.

And due to her feminist background, she also felt she had the right to do this simply because he was a man & "deserved" it.

In addition to her son's difficult personality, she felt her son's maleness also justified her behavior.

And, like most other verbally & emotionally abusive people, she considered her behavior cute, funny, and clever.

(As discussed here before, that is how people enable themselves to continue abusive behavior—it's not really "abusive" in their mind; it's cute, clever, and funny!...not.)

Also, her cutting into her son like this concerned me for another reason.

Her son was born with a very aggressive personality—which she understandably found aggravating.

Interestingly, where she was passive-aggressive, he was aggressive-aggressive.

When you needle these aggressive types, keeping them on edge & making them feel bad (but not quite sure what's wrong because passive-aggression is usually too subtle for a preteen boy to identify exactly what bothers him), it makes these aggressive types WORSE.

They feel angry, confused, on edge, and resentful.

And they don't act in. They act OUT.

They take it out on others, not themselves.

So why was she treating him in a way that makes him WORSE—and laughing about it?

Needless to say, this all meant she crossed the line into bullying & chauvinism.

I started distancing myself from her.

At one point, I decided to write to her about her increasing passive-aggressive behavior, making sure I addressed her behavior with sensitivity & giving her the benefit of the doubt.

She responded by making fun of me for putting up with it so long, then pretended she hadn't been aware of her behavior, insisting that she wasn't intelligent enough to do such things on purpose.

Unfortunately for her, Hashem gifted me with a decent memory for conversations.

I recalled the times she stated her awareness & enjoyment of making passive-aggressive barbs.

Furthermore, she grew up in a family which prized their superior intellect, which included skipping grades, acing honors classes, and early entrance to top universities where they aced the academics there too.

Ever since I'd known her, she'd shown pride in her scholastic accomplishments & superior intellect—though to her credit, becoming frum influenced her to re-examine her priorities & focus on the character strengths of herself & others.

But her response demonstrated her unwillingness to take responsibility for her behavior or even to take seriously her transgressions of ona'at devarim.

If she thought it was both funny & also convinced herself that she "wasn't smart enough to be aware" of her nasty hurtful barbs, then how could I trust to her behave decently in the future?

I couldn't.

So at one point, I wrote her a thorough apology of everything I thought I'd done wrong in our friendship—just to clean my own slate, regardless of her behavior—and received a discomfiting reply.

Basically, she said nothing I mentioned bothered her (though I knew her well enough to know that at least some of it did—and I truly regretted that insensitivity at times), but her only complaint was that I distanced myself from her...the one thing I hadn't apologized for.

Because of this, she called me "inconsistent."

That told me all I needed to know.

First of all, she still wanted to lie to herself (and me).

She refused to acknowledge that my distancing had anything to do with her hurtful barbs, which she certainly had been made aware of by this point (and really, despite her fake protestations, was perfectly aware on her own).

In other words, she twisted the picture around to show me as the problem, not her.

Secondly, I could not apologize for distancing myself because I wasn't at all sorry.

It was HER fault I needed to minimize contact. She pushed me away with her intolerable behavior.

And why, out of all the behaviors, did she feel my distancing was the only & worst thing I did wrong in our entire years-long relationship?

Well, it's common with abusive people that the worst thing their victim can do is remove themselves from the relationship.

There are 2 reasons why:

The abuser enjoys the abuse & resents losing their outlet for pleasure.
It is an in-your-face statement that their behavior is actually WRONG & hurtful (and can no longer be dismissed as cute, clever, or funny).

Yet despite the negative portrayal above, I wouldn't call her "an abuser."

She also possessed many good qualities.

Also, she's the type of her person who, if someone would really confront her with her behavior & not let her get away with excuses, would acknowledge the truth & make some effort to change.

I don't know how long-term an effort she would make, but short-term effort? Yes.

Anyway, I didn't even bother replying because what would be the point?

After all, she refused to take any responsibility for her behavior & I could not apologize for removing myself from her nasty barb-shooting.

Shortly after that, she told all our mutual friends (in a sympathetic, oh-so helpful manner) that I needed time for myself, and that everyone should respect my privacy by not contacting me.

However...I never said or even hinted at any such thing.

She completely invented it.

I no longer received emails or phone calls from those friends, but didn't know why.

Not long after that, one of our mutual friends from that area called me and tentatively asked if it was okay for her to call.

I was like, sure! Why not?

Then she innocently revealed what the person above had told all our mutual friends.

"Oh," I said. "I never said anything like that. I also don't need so much time for myself, so I wouldn't make such a request anyway."

And that was that.

Intriguingly, her false announcement ended up being a blessing in disguise.

At that time, I was developing my relationship with Hashem more & doing some intense work on myself, so it helped not to have old relationships & old patterns in the way.

Because of that, I ended up not actively clarifying the issue with our mutual friends.

Hashem used the whole saga to open up a new & much-needed window.

So it very much worked out to my benefit, plus I developed new relationships & renewed old friendships over time.

What Happens When a Posture-Obsessive Meets a Passive-Aggressive

What does this all have to do with the topic?

Throughout the time this passive-aggressor had been increasingly shooting barbs at her husband, her son, and me, she encountered a nemesis of her own.

When going out shopping, taking kids to the park, picking kids up from school, she often ran into a woman who enjoyed offering helpful observations to others about their posture, and so on.

You know the kind of person who cheerfully reminds you to bend at the knee if she sees you bending from the waist?

Yeah...her.

So whenever she saw my "friend," this well-intended woman would call out to her, cheerfully informing her that her posture had gotten worse, and offering her tips to help straighten herself up.

You know the people who are relatively good-hearted & well-intended, but lack the sense to know that saying tactless things in a cheerful way don't make saying them okay?

Yeah...that kind of person.

The passive-aggressive woman found this interaction increasingly distressing.

"I know my posture has gotten worse and I don't always carry things is the healthiest way," she said. "But I wish that woman would stop harassing me about it. I can't always work on it. Sometimes, I just need to do what I need to do without worrying about how I'm standing or holding things."

And yeah, it was weird. How often to you run into someone obsessed with your posture?

That's not common.

Anyway, the passive-aggressive woman started taking inconvenient detours to avoid the cheery posture-obsessive woman.

She tried to hide if she saw her coming.

She tried to run past her, saying, "I'm in a very big hurry right now—no time to chat—sorry!"

But to her chagrin, the posture-obsessive woman would pursue her, reminding her how bad she looked & calling out helpful tips for improvement.

It was weird & very distressing for my "friend."

But I remember wondering at the time.

My "friend" seemed so distressed by the well-meaning woman who cheerfully reprimanded her about her posture—it puzzled me.

Why was she so insensitive to the effect of her critical barbs (which were NOT well-intended, but meant to hurt) on others, especially since the things she said were so much worse than what that woman said to her?

Clearly, she knows insensitive comments & criticism cause serious distress.

So why did she indulge in them herself?

Why did she find it so distressing when it happened to her—but cute, clever, and funny when she did it to others?

What's the Message? Let's Look at the Parallels.

The parallels between the covertly barb-shooting behavior of my "friend" & the overtly critical behavior of her nemesis are striking.

Hashem brought her a critic who criticized her for things she didn't have much control over—and things that aren't so important anyway.

After all, the way you stand isn't as important as your middot. It's focuses on the external flaws of a person, not the all-important internal flaws of a person.

No one is denied entrance to Heaven because they slump.

Likewise, her passive-aggressive criticism of her husband, her son, and I had to do more with her bad middot than ours.

She criticized us for things that we don't have much control over (like the inability to read her mind or in their case, being male).

She criticized us for things that aren't the main priority (like while it's important to strive for sensitivity toward others, no one needs to strive for mind-reading—nor do males need to strive to be NOT male).

Furthermore, her nemesis criticized her for something she already knew about & was already working on...

...just liked she criticized us for stuff we already knew about and were already working on (when her criticism wasn't imagined, anyway).

Her nemesis focused on the flaws of another, rather than her own flaws...

...just like she focused on the flaws of others without investing in serious work on her own severe flaw (onaat devarim).

Also, just like she shot verbal barbs with a smile & a laugh, her nemesis harassed her in a very cheerful manner.

And my "friend" discovered she couldn't get away from the woman's harassment, no matter how much she tried...

...just like her husband & son couldn't avoid her harassment of them (because they all lived in the same home).

I also think the criticism of "you need to straighten yourself up" sounds very similar to "you need to straighten yourself out."

Had she had the knowledge of this message of self-scrutiny combined with the integrity to actually do it, she could have carried out the following procedure:

I repeatedly encounter a very distressing situation. (Thank you, Hashem—I know it's all for my benefit!)

What is the message here? Is Hashem trying to tell me something about my own behavior?

What is it?

Well, let's see...

First of all, this lady constantly harasses me with her criticism about something I already feel bad about, but can't always deal with.

And she's so loud about it!

Do I do that to others?

Well, I'm never loud & never physically pursue another person to criticize them.

But am I ever critical? Do I unnecessarily criticize others the way I'm being criticized?

Also, she harasses me so cheerfully, with a big smile, as if she doesn't mean to hurt me—but it all distresses me greatly.

Do I do some version of that to others?

In this way, by taking a step back & compassionately examining herself, this "friend" could have arrived at the conclusion that yes, she also engaged in unnecessarily critical & distressing behavior.

She also could've arrive at the conclusion that, just as this woman's behavior was neither clever nor cute (the woman meant to be informative/clever & cheery/cute), then neither was her own passive-aggressive behavior cute nor clever.

And despite how her own behavior was hurtful & halachically forbidden, please note in the theoretical scenario, I had her go easy on herself.

I never encourage people to see themselves as "bad" or "abusive" or "mean" or "a narcissist" and so on.

In fact, I discourage it.

Not only is such an approach counterproductive, it's also false.

At the very moment you decide to examine your own behavior for Hashem's message, you make a wonderful inner upgrade.

At that moment, you are not bad or abusive or mean or sinful.

You're on the road to teshuvah!

That's not my idea; it's in Chazal and Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender discusses it in depth in Words of Faith.

How Viewing the Distressing Encounters as a Divine Message Could Have Helped Her

Why is this method of self-improvement so vital?

Because it's so internal & personal, there's usually no other way to get this message.

For example, in the above scenario, who would have told her the truth about her situation?

Heck, she told me and all I did was sympathize. (At that time, I was still rejecting this idea & so did not even know how to do this method.)

Sympathizing is what most people would do.

And that's good!

Just for the record, I do NOT think you should respond to someone's outpouring of pain & distress by telling them, "Well, you're probably doing something equally awful! Look at the message Hashem is giving you!"

As stated in Part I, I think that's a really mean thing to do.

It's like giving someone a strong, sharp kick in the ribs when they're already lying on the floor.

That's why they really need to do it themselves.

Sometimes, an aware & sensitive friend can help you do this—if you're also open to it with that person.

But that's rare.

Furthermore, what if my "friend" consulted someone about how to deal with this difficult woman?

What would she get?

Anyone knowledgeable in psychology would validate her feelings (which I support), and then help her figure out how to assert herself appropriately by using "I" statements, and other verbal techniques, body language, strengthening self-esteem, reframing, and so on.

None of which would solve her problem at its core.

While I'm all for using assertive or deflective protective techniques when dealing with difficult people, if the difficult situation derives from Hashem's intention to send a message to you about YOUR difficult behavior...then how does using protective techniques or building self-esteem solve the problem at its core?

When we don't accept the initial message, Hashem sends stronger & stronger messages.

So even if she managed to deflect this particular nemesis, another one (whether human or situational) would simply come in its wake.

Likewise, her son's continuous aggression should have also been a wake-up call for her to introspect her own behavior—Rav Arush fleshes this out thoroughly in Garden of Education.

After all, the initial messages to her were fairly soft.

Her husband sometimes asked her to please speak nicely to him or to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I also wrote her a very sensitive letter asking her to please change her behavior.

Maybe others spoke with her too.

But she chose to dismiss those messages.

So she started receiving stronger ones.

And that's how it goes.

(Sometimes, we see Hashem gives up on getting a person to change. They no longer receive messages or atonements. That's a very bad sign because it means they are really going to get it after they die.)

Understandably, there is no socially acceptable way in general society to elicit a personal message out of a difficult situation.

Anyone she would speak about this distressing situation would only ever give her empathy, validation, and techniques for communication & self-esteem.

None of these would ever reach the nitty-gritty of WHY Hashem made this happen to her.

So using the undesirable behavior of others as a message from Hashem is really the only way of getting across a particular point of self-improvement.

And it's a loss when people refuse to utilize this their entire life.

Takeaway Points

Here are the main points to take away from the method:

Using the undesirable behavior of others as a springboard for your own self-scrutiny is often the only way to access certain aspects of self-awareness and thus, self-improvement. So it's pretty valuable.

Seeing undesirable behavior does not ALWAYS mean you do it too (but it's just good to check whether that IS the message).

Self-scrutiny (cheshbon hanefesh) should ONLY be done with LOVE & COMPASSION for yourself.

Self-scrutiny can be grueling & cringe-inducing (especially if you discover something very distasteful), so please view yourself positively—it's wonderful that you're willing to examine your deeds!

During self-scrutiny, please BE NICE to yourself. BE GENTLE.

Avoid thoughts of self-condemnation, self-flagellation, self-loathing, despair, or getting bogged down in unhelpful philosophizing like: "What does this say about it me? Does it mean I'm a really bad person/parent/spouse/daughter?"

Even if you really are an awful person, viewing yourself as awful will make you worse, not better.

At the very moment you decide to examine yourself, you are no longer bad, but very good & courageous.

Using other's undesirable behavior for self-improvement makes you one in a hundred-million because the vast majority of the world will never even consider doing this—yet you actually do it!

This post featured a story of why & how self-scrutiny should have been used, but wasn't, plus how to self-scrutinize in an effective & healthy manner.

Part III will feature a more personal story of how this method was successfully used.

Here are related posts:

And a quote from Rav Miller on the topic (torasavigdor.org/a-random-selection-of-short-qas-3/):

Q:
If I see a fault in someone else does that mean I have that fault as well?

A:
If you see a fault in someone else does that mean that you have that fault as well?

No, not necessarily. But it’s a hint. Absolutely it’s a good hint.

Why? Because the person that you’re looking at – does he see the fault in himself?

You can be sure not. So maybe you’re looking in the mirror.

Image by Andre Mouton

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Part I: Why I Initially Rejected a Fundamental Torah Idea & How I Learned to Embrace It

5/10/2021

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I have some vague memory of occasionally hearing in the secular world the idea of "the flaws you see in others reflect the flaws within you."

Meaning, the bad points you see in others actually hints at those same exact bad points inhabiting your own character.

I hated this idea from the first moment I heard it.

It also made no sense to me.

For example, I've never committed murder or even tried to commit murder.

In fact, I haven't even violently assaulted another person. Ever.

And not only am I not a murderer, I haven't even come close to an act that leads to murder: I never cut anyone, beat anyone, held anyone underwater, or grabbed someone by the throat.

Yet when reading the news, I come across murder. I see a murderer on the news. If I say, "This person is a murderer"—does that mean I'm a murderer?

According to the above theory (as initially presented), it does.

Yet that is patently false.

Another example: The Nazis who shoved children into gas chambers, then watched as they died in suffering—I think they're really bad. Evil. I hate them. I wish such people never existed & that anyone like that would just die on the spot.

So because I both see & despise their demented, demonic, and sadistic evil...then does that mean I am also really evil, demented, demonic, and sadistic?

Again, according to the above theory, it does mean that.

Interwoven within the logic issue: The idea is also terribly insulting.

To compound the insulting aspect, people tend to say this after you've just made yourself vulnerable by revealing a very hurtful thing said or done to you, and how hurt or angry you feel about it.

Meaning, you're basically told you are just as awful as the person you hate.

Again, very insulting & a way to kick someone when they're already down.

I had no problem with the idea of projection (meaning, that a person sometimes projects their issues on to others & accuses others of one's own flaw).

But rejected the idea that seeing bad in others automatically meant I was just as bad as them.

So those were the 2 issues I had with this idea:

It makes no sense intellectually; it's often false on a purely factual level.
In addition to its falseness, it's terribly insulting on an emotional level.

The Frum Encounter with the Idea

After joining the frum community, I encountered this idea a bit more often, although not frequently.

And it still bothered me.

It still felt insulting AND still made no sense.

It didn't help that the people who like to say this usually do so with a knowing little smile that feels more smirky than sympathetic.

When they're not smiling about it, they tend to come off as either pompous or very grave (like, "I'm revealing a severe truth about life—and about you in particular").

How ever they made the statement, it only remained a superficial statement without any further explanation.

Even when confronted with the argument made above ("So if I see demented evil, that means I'm demented & evil in the same way?"), either the person's smirk deepened (as a nervous response) OR they looked surprised at the question.

But like I said, it didn't happen often. (Most people have better sense & compassion than to randomly say such things.)

Yet when I found myself in a dilemma upon encountering the idea as a core Jewish insight—straight from the Gemara Kiddushin 70a:

V'kol haposel pasul v'eino midaber bashivcha l'olam v'amar Shmuel: "Bamumo posel."

And every person who disqualify another is himself disqualified; and about he who never speaks in praise of others—Shmuel said: "In that flaw he is also disqualified."

Furthermore, this core Jewish idea also stands as a fundamental in Chassidus from the Baal Shem Tov himself (source):

"When you see ill in your friend, it is your own ill that you are observing."

What I didn't know at the time was the context of that Gemara, which discusses lineage & legitimacy vs. illegitimacy.

But Chazal definitely take the idea beyond lineage.

Also, the Gemara specifies a person who derides others habitually, and not just a normal criticism when the topic of evil comes up.

However, the Baal Shem Tov does include even one-time criticism as reflective of the critic.

Yet because I only heard this idea presented superficially, I still lacked any context to receive it because of the 2 arguments stated above.

Lacking the tools to deal with this, I pushed it to the back of mind (where it still secretly bothered me).

"Dear Most Cherished & Beloved": A Love Letter from God

I think I first encountered a satisfying explanation of the idea when reading one of Rav Shalom Arush's books.

Basically, the undesirable behavior of others is a loving message from Hashem to indulge in some soul-searching.

Emphasis on LOVING.

Hashem LOVES us and wants us to achieve the purpose for which He placed us in this world.

Furthermore, the flaw of our nemesis does not HAVE to mean we are as bad as our nemesis.

It COULD mean that. Sometimes, it DOES mean that.

But most of the time, it doesn't mean we are as bad.

Our nemesis has the flaw a magnified a million times more than our little flaw.

Hashem wishes to bring it to our attention by emphasizing it in this way.

It's similar to someone shouting or grabbing you just before you walk into an oncoming train.

However violent their behavior toward you is, it's to prevent you from become railroad splatter.

It's not meant to hurt you (as far as Hashem's intention), it's meant to save you.

Furthermore, undesirable behavior in others isn't always the same message from Hashem.

It doesn't always mean you share an aspect of that too.

For example, undesirable behavior from others could also be a lesson in what NOT to do—before you ever even think of doing it.

It can also be a cleansing atonement for past sins—whether in this life or a previous life.

Other reasons exist.

But this post focuses on the idea of using another's undesirable behavior as a message to invest in yourself.

A Loving Message with 1,000,000x Magnification

So, finally armed with an explanation I found both intellectually & emotionally satisfying, I sought to include this method in my program for self-improvement.

And it's definitely very challenging at times.

It's vital to use this method with LOVE.

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE.

It's not, "Oh, what's wrong with me THIS time?" or "I never get a break; Hashem keeps criticizing me."

No, it's a LOVING message from a LOVING God Who is EXTREMELY FOND of you.

(If you do find yourself getting down about it, switch to looking at it as a different opportunity, like cleansing atonement or to thank Hashem for yissurim to bring yourself merits or to practice compassion or giving the benefit of the doubt, etc.—whatever works for you at that phase. As noted above, another's undesirable behavior does not HAVE to be a reflection of your own in any way. It often is. But not always.)

Another advantage of focusing on the Hashem-behind-the-scenes aspects is this focus deflates a lot of the pain & intensity involved in an unpleasant interaction.

It makes it less personal, allowing you the room to step back & view it from a healthier angle.

It grants you more objectivity.

Not always & maybe not as much emotional distance & objectivity as you need, but it helps a lot more than anything else.

So that's the key to this method:

View it as the agent of a LOVING message from Hashem.
If it reflects on you at all, realize it's reflecting at an extreme magnification a million times more than your actual flaw. (In other words, do NOT think you are as bad as the other person.)

The Unopened Message

Another similar way to view an unpleasant interaction to respond to it as an unopened & very personal message from the most important king—which is thrust in your face.

Do you want to deal with the message right away, focusing more on the message than the intermediary of the messenger?

Would you like to put it aside & open it later—maybe when you can focus on it better?

Would you like to ignore it completely?

Would you like to ignore it forever (even letting the messages pile up over time)?

I personally do all of the above at different times (except knowingly ignoring forever) because I find it impossible to always be so "holy."

Sometimes, I'm just not ready to deal with the message—at least not right away.

So I'm not going to tell you to do something that I don't always manage to do myself.

However, I'll give you the same encouragement I give myself: Try it as best you can.

In Part II, we'll look at some true stories of how this could've worked (but the person did not take advantage of the opportunity—to her detriment) & Part III shows how this definitely works well when used:

part-ii-a-story-of-why-how-this-method-couldve-been-used-but-wasnt-plus-a-list-of-tips-of-how-to-do-this-in-the-healthiest-way.html

part-iii-a-personal-story-of-how-to-use-the-undesirable-behavior-of-others-as-a-message-how-why-it-works-plus-what-to-do-what-to-avoid.html

Here are posts with other true stories:

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The Purpose of Human Creativity

The Tonsils & the Appendix

The Secret of Brit Milah

The Key to True Greatness

Peaches & the Path to Perfection

An Imbalance in the Ratio of Positive to Negative

Here's How to NOT Shoot the Messenger

Message Received!

We All Have Our Blind Spots

Why Standard Techniques for Dealing with Difficult People Cannot Always Work & This Method Will

Cultivating Yourself Positively & According to Your Real Capabilities

The Main Points for Using Other's Undesirable Behavior as a Message to for Your Own Self-Improvement

A Self-Image based on Authentic Torah Hashkafah

Why the Disproportionate Discrimination?

Ending on a Positive Note!

Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Noach

Rav Itamar Schwartz on Chodesh Cheshvan

A Sweet Snippet of Torah Life in Eretz Yisrael

A Story of Undesirable Behavior

What Happens When a Posture-Obsessive Meets a Passive-Aggressive

What's the Message? Let's Look at the Parallels.

How Viewing the Distressing Encounters as a Divine Message Could Have Helped Her

Takeaway Points

The Frum Encounter with the Idea

"Dear Most Cherished & Beloved": A Love Letter from God

A Loving Message with 1,000,000x Magnification

The Unopened Message

Myrtle Rising

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