In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah Parshat Pinchas: An Everlasting Memorial, Rav Miller asks the question of inheritance.

Why is inheritance so important?

The truth is, says Rav Miller, that even after the person dies and the soul leaves the body for a better world, the soul still maintains an attachment to This World.

The underlying reason why we don't want to die, why we fight & run from death, is because death means we can no longer serve Hashem in a very precious way:

With death, we lose our bechirah. Everything is clear in the Next World, so the choice is always obvious.

Only in This World do we receive the opportunity to choose good.

Moshe Rabbeinu, who'd lived his life in such a way that he knew an unfathomably pleasurable Afterlife awaited him, still wanted to live.

Why?

Because he understood the idea stated in Avot 4:17 — that a moment of teshuvah & good deeds in This World is better than all the eternity of the World to Come.

This is an incredible idea because the pleasure of the Next World is beyond anything we could experience here.

Yet knowing this, we still experience such an attachment to life in This World.

It's because our neshamah yearns to accomplish more & more.

For every good choice we make, even the tiniest good deed, we accumulate unfathomable good for our portion in the Next World.​

So when people leave This World, they leave behind an inheritance — and not just a physical inheritance, but spiritual ones too.

Children and their deeds are left behind.

Even though the frum parents are enjoying unimaginable pleasure in the Next World, they are still affected by the inheritance they left in This World.

All the good things their living children do end up bringing tremendous merits by the thousands to the departed parents.

They're connected to Olam Hazeh in a positive way and their children quench their soul's thirst to accomplish (despite the obvious barrier of physical death), which grants them even more pleasure in the Next World.

This is a big part of the reason why it's such a big deal to frum people to see their grand children & even great-grandchildren — it's validation of the pleasure they'll enjoy in the Next World.

Rav Miller offers a really lovely & innovative idea: a special sign to gift to your adult children (page 11):

Some people never have children. 

For whatever the reason, it simply never worked out.

Or, like what happened to a friend of mine who lost one child to a car accident, another to a birth defect, and then she needed an emergency hysterectomy, and that was it for her as far as motherhood goes.

Baruch Hashem, she was blessed with tremendous gevurah & chessed, and she used these qualities to provide help to people who could not receive help from anyone else.

And this is what Rav Miller addresses next: Making mitzvot your offspring when you cannot produce biological offspring.

​First, Rav Miller presents the mashal of a cow (page 14).

When a cow is alive, it gives milk to sustain people.

When the cow is slaughtered for its meat, the meat goes into the cholent.

But it doesn't stop there.

It's hide is made into tefillin straps & boxes. You can make Torah parchment. 

In that way, the cow lives on for a long time.

But for people, it's even better.

It's like when a perfumed person leaves the room. The person is gone, but their scent remains.

And that's what a good name does for a person.

​When people do good deeds and treat others well, their name lives on in a good way. On pages 15-16 Rav Miller recalls such people he knew.

We've all known those people who've left an indelible positive impression on our lives.

​That's their good name still wafting around This World.

Then Rav Miller quotes the Lubavitcher Rebbe (page 17), who said that when you learn Mishnayot in the street, you change the street.

Good deeds leave their imprint on This World, even if we can't perceive it.

Bad deeds do the opposite.

​They create a stench. They change the character of the street for worse.

Here are Rav Miller's suggestion to create eternal offspring in This World (whether you also have biological children or not, starting on page 18-20):

Saying a good word, an encouraging word, to another person.

• Learning Torah (Gemara for men, mussar for women)
• Helping others
• Donating money to yeshivot & poor talmidei chachamim
• Donating sefarim to a beit medrash

For example, when you donate a Gemara in the name of someone to a study hall, and someone sits down to study it, it's as if the person in whose name you did it is studying it too.

So there's a lot of food for thought here and ideas for what you can do to ensure an enjoyable eternity regardless of your individual situation.

May we always merit to make good choices throughout our lives in This World.

In Living an Inner Life in Today's Generation, Rav Itamar Schwartz mentions the idea from the Vilna Gaon and others that in later generations, the Generation of the Mabul/Flood, Dor HaPlagah/Generation of Dispersal (i.e., the Tower of Babel fiasco), and Sodom will ALL return in later generations (we are of those later generations).

It sounds truly awful because as Rav Schwartz notes, these three were "only" one-third of previous generations.

But in later generations (like now), they're ALL coming back — together. Simultaneously.

​And that explains so much of what's going on today.

But I admit that I'm not sure how to put it all together exactly.

On the other hand, it's still possible to draw parallels.

For example, Dor HaMabul (Generation of the Flood) was not Jewish or non-Jewish; there was no Torah or Judaism or Jew in that time. You had Noach and the ancestor of Am Yisrael, Noach's son Shem.

Dor HaMabul was all about corruption in every sense of the word.

​Theft ruled the day, although the Pele Yoetz notes that it was also steeped in the same sin that Er & Onan stumbled, along with other sins against chaste behavior, including extramarital sins.

I heard that abortion was also practiced.

They committed idolatry, which basically means that they indulged in occult practices.

The occult has made a massive comeback in today's world. Wicca is considered a cool feminist system, plus the whole goddess aspect has been a prized part of being "progressive."

Eastern religions with all their idols have become popular.

There are many indications of occult even within seemingly secular aspects of society.

I also read somewhere animal cross-breeding went on during Dor HaMabul, which was included in the overall corruption of that time. Hybrids are often sterile and rather than being the best of both kinds, hybrids often display the genetic faults of both.

Finally, according to the Kli Yakar, Dor HaMabul was plagued with moral relativity. Even the tzaddikim reassured non-tzaddikim that "we're all same." (Kamoni, komocha.) "I'm okay, you're okay."

A sinner stood among tzaddikim and said, "I'm a tzaddik like you."

It was the "feel good" generation.

​Sort of like now.

(For more on this generation, please see The Kli Yakar on Parshas Noach: Why Did Hashem Destroy the World with Water? And What is the Connection to Hurricanes? & The Hidden Sin of the Flood Generation: What We Can Learn From It Today — AKA The Kli Yakar on Parshat Noach.)

By the way, there is a LOT more to say about that generation. The commentaries, Talmud, and midrashim are full of insights.

Sodom was wholly non-Jewish and known for its warped value system, which extended into its justice system.

It was an externally beautiful & advanced society that condoned terrible cruelty under a system of terribly distorted morals.

Toeva was also fine with them.

Also, I do not know if this was part of Sodom, but the hymn of a Sumerian priestess from Avraham Avinu's hometown of Ur survived until today. (If the dating is correct — and accurate dating is much harder to pinpoint than scientists like to admit — the hymn predates Avraham Avinu.)

The self-lauding priestess is under the delusion that she is the wife of a moon "god" and she boasts of her ability to have "changed men into women!"

Meaning, she successfully accomplished this.

And she is mighty proud of it. She views it as a good thing.

Experts in that time like to debate exactly what she meant, but with all the meshugas of today, it's becoming clearer that she likely meant what a lot of people mean today:

​Even if one is clearly of a particular gender, one has the right to define themselves & be treated as the opposite gender — with the truly bizarre results promoted today, including completely irrational consequences within the medical field.

(Like when a woman who insists she is a man comes in complaining of abdominal pain, the doctor must pretend she doesn't have a uterus or ovaries and instead focus on something else, like her appendix. And vice-versa. I don't know if this has happened yet, but this is what they're promoting.)

Is this connected specifically to Sodom? Or to the surrounding occult systems?

I'm not sure.

But such a similar re-awakening cannot be incidental in an era in which 3 ancient corrupt generations return.

Also, speaking of Sodom justice...

When we were 16, a friend of mine went to court in order to be transferred into the custody of her divorced father, who'd been banished from her life.

She'd recently found him & discovered what she'd sensed all along: He wasn't the monster her abusive mother always insisted he was.

After enduring years of physical abuse by her mother and 2 years of abuse by her stepfather (who was an elder in their Mormon church & told her that he would no longer abuse her because at age 14, she was now "too old for him"), my friend decided to utilize the law that allows 16-year-old children of divorce to decide with which parent they want to live. 

​The judge deciding the case fulfilled the great feminist ideal: She was female.

According to feminists, all the inequalities in society are due to there not being females in charge.

Men are misogynists and incapable of providing fair & equal treatment...or so goes the feminist claim.

​Anyway, the oh-so exalted female judge ruled that it's best for children to be with their mothers, especially in a nuclear family situation (as opposed to living with a single father) and so my friend needed to stay in her toxic environment.

Ooh, it's best for the child! It's in the child's best interests to remain in a family with a stable marriage and a mother and a (step) father!

It doesn't matter that they're abusive creeps! Family first! It's best for the child!

And so much for the wiser & more compassionate authority of a female...

(And no, the judge didn't have a bias, like being a Mormon herself. She was apparently stupid & immoral all on her own.)

I admit that knocked a pretty deep chink in my own ideal as a self-proclaimed feminist at that time, plus crushed my perception of the American justice system as "fair." (Although certainly, it is much fairer than almost any other justice system in the world and in human history.)

Anyway, it was a ruling truly worthy of Sodom.

(In case you're wondering, our high school guidance counselor discovered an underground foster care system that operated beneath the law. So my friend hugged me good-bye and then literally raced off to be smuggled out of state to an unofficial foster home. She kept on the move during that time, shifting between 3 states until she could re-emerge on her 18th birthday & finally go live with her father.)

I was left seething, THE WORLD CANNOT WORK THIS WAY! THIS IS ALL WRONG!

​I felt like my friend, the victim, shouldn't be the one who needs to go into hiding.

​And that's Sodom: Welcome to Sodom — where we punish the victim.

To add to the return of the above 3 generation, we also have the re-emergence of Erev Rav and according to Chazal, they take the position of authority within Am Yisrael.

And all this explains why things are increasingly & intensively crazier than ever.

People don't seem to know what is right or wrong, and there is tremendous pressure to empathize with people who do bad things or who are extremely misguided & trying to drag society down with them.

As far as I can tell, Europe has lost its conservative religious faction. Yes, there may be conservative religious people in Europe, but they've lost their voice. 

Let's face it: When your big hero of conservatism is a toeva atheist, the game is over. (I'm looking at you, England.)

When the leader of one of your most conservative parties must apologize on behalf of a representative who merely states that he opposes toeva unions, the game is over. (England again.)

Yet in American where the religious conservatives still wield influence, they are still a far cry from the norm that existed (whether conservative or liberal) only 2 generations ago.

American conservatives — even the religious ones — have basically given up promoting abstinence before marriage. Instead, they focus on avoiding abortion via contraception or adoption.

Many conservative women pundits dress in an undignified immodest manner, and nearly all of the American conservative leaders, whether men or women, use foul language. 

They formulate excuses for why they allow themselves to watch movies that trash their self-proclaimed values, read books that trash their self-proclaimed values, and watch TV that trashes their self-proclaimed values. (So they end up immersed in all the things they claim to fight.)

It's increasingly confusing, especially when you see frum people (including VERY frum-looking people) involve themselves in aspects of the non-Jewish world that aren't so appropriate for them (or for any frum Jew, actually).

And they receive enormous accolades for this, including the impression that they are creating a big kiddush Hashem.

It's very, very confusing.

​So what's a person to do?

Basically, we need to realize what's going on:

Sodom is back.

Dor HaFlagah is back.

Dor HaMabul is back.

The Erev Rav are back & mighty powerful.

In the non-Jewish world, it's easy enough to figure that almost anything promoted probably reflects an agenda of those 3 ancient generations, whether it's a value system promoted in mainstream science or media, novels, social science bestsellers, political movements, movies, TV, and so on.

In the Jewish world, it's easy enough to see that a secular Jew fighting Torah is Erev Rav, but much harder when the Jew looks frum and seems to be on the side of good.

For example, in Surviving Spiritually Today, Rav Itamar Schwartz relates the story of the daughter of an avreich who attends a charedi seminary where she learns that she must get a job to support her husband in Torah. 

Rav Schwartz notes that the seminary taught a lot of good Torah & hashkafah from well-known speakers, but one of the "charedi" teachers also encouraged this girl to find a job working in the Israeli government because those jobs are the steadiest and bring the best pension — all for the sake of supporting the husband in Torah, of course.

Rav Itamar Schwartz responds:    

Rav Schwartz is generally against receiving any financial support from the Israeli government because of their Erev Rav souls, all the more so, sending a precious bat Yisrael to go work for them.

Rav Schwartz strongly opposes working in "impure" places because it affects one's Torah. 

As he mentions regarding the famous Chazal, "If there is no flour, there's no Torah," if the flour is wormy, then the Torah learned will also be wormy.

So it's genuinely confusing. 

As Rav Schwartz notes:

The post was sparked by 2 posts I came across on the same day, which I saw as a message from Hashem:

• ​Living an Inner Life in Today's Generation
• Rav Avigdor Miller on How To Become A Baal Teshuva

They both contained the same message: Disconnect.

That is so, so hard to do nowadays.

Even if you've physically isolated yourself into a frum neighborhood, you still have your gadgets.

In many places throughout the world, you can no longer carry out certain necessary functions without Internet access.

​So in some areas, even very sincerely frum people have some sort of Internet gadget (with the best filter available, of course).

And even if you've got a strong filter and read only "frum" sites, a lot of mixed hashkafah still gets through.

Also, a lot of frum people work in spiritually difficult environments. The environment might be non-Jewish, secular Jewish, or frum with secular hashkafot.

And something else that isn't spoken of much is family members who aren't on the level.

The most obvious is a secular family who does teshuvah later, but one of the spouses or kids never makes the switch, yet lives in the frum home.

However, there are frum people who got married in the frum way, but are stuck with a spouse who lacks integrity or looks for loopholes and finds the outside world attractive.

Also, a lot of teens who teeter still live at home and they bring in their cell phone, their clothing styles, their secular music, and new attitudes into the home.

(Sure, the parents can tell them not to...and watch how that doesn't work either.)

In some cases, they even bring a girlfriend (but it's usually temporary & secretive, so the family doesn't know about it).

Parents often try to find another living situation for them, but it often either doesn't work out, the child refuses to go, or the child still comes back for vacations and the like.

Pop psychology, which infiltrated the frum community, placed the blame squarely on the parents.

I used to buy into that too.

But over the years, I couldn't help noticing families in which the mother strove with everything she had (even if it wasn't much) to be a good parent while her husband was dysfunctional in some way.

Despite the motto "A child needs only one good parent!", I soon realized that often wasn't true.

Children need fathers. They need GOOD fathers. They just do. That's how Hashem set things up.

So the mother, who was actually killing herself to parent healthily in an unhealthy situation, still suffered at least one child going off the derech (at least temporarily) while also being shoved into the same "problematic parent" box as her truly problematic husband.

​Not fair.

Furthermore, even two very good parents often cannot overcome an overall poor school experience.

And I even know couples who get along very well and attended chinuch classes (which they took very seriously), strove to find the school to best fit their kids, kept an Internet-free home, and still ended up with problems with a couple of their kids.

So a lot of stuff gets into the home regardless of what you do. 

So with being attacked from within & without, plus our own yetzer hara, what's a Jew to do?

So...you disconnect as much as you can from Dor HaMabul, Dor HaFlagah, Sodom, and Erev Rav.

And you do so not just by sur me'ra (turning from evil), but also aseh tov (doing good).

You make up a schedule to learn some authentic Torah everyday, whether that's Rashi on Mishlei or Pele Yoetz or Mesillat Yesharim — and even if it's only 5 minutes or 1 paragraph a day.

Spending time reading or listening to Rav Avigdor Miller's shiurim can also have a profound effect.

Rav Shimshon Dovid Pincus's books also provide tremendous influence in an enjoyable way.

​If you have more time, you can even make a whole project out of it — yes, even if you're limited to English only.

For example, let's say you wish to really imbibe the Pele Yoetz. So you go to the first chapter (Love of God) and read it in English HERE. 

Then you go to the page where all the chapters are arranged (HERE), and you click on the arrow on the left side of the shiur by Rabbi Eli Mansour to listen on the spot or you click on the right download it.

Then you mosey on over to Torahanytime.com, where you find Rabbi Noach Oelbaum's shiur on that same chapter (HERE) and you listen to that.

With all that, you are well on your way to being positively & profoundly influenced by the authentic Torah of the Pele Yoetz.

Personally, I'm very into filling up our minds & hearts with good and pushing out the not-good that way. It's much more natural and more effective.

​Things work best when you simply DON'T WANT the bad stuff.

(I wrote about my personal experience with that here: What is the Most Painless Path to True Teshuvah?)

Needless to say, I'm still working on this all myself.

Many posts result from my own struggles in these areas.

And finally yet most importantly: real tefillah from your heart in your own words.

Even a few minutes a day can reap rewards.

Another way to chart the downward spiral of Western society is to look at the blatant hypocrisy taking hold.

And I don't just mean how rioting about the accidental death of a womanizing, thieving, formerly violent drug-addicted irresponsible father at the hands of a police officer who was clearly power-tripping his sadistic streak...when some American cities have recently had their largest number of shootings EVER in a 24-hour period and nearly all the victims are black and you don't hear a word about it from BLM.

(In fact, because police are now reluctant to patrol dangerous neighborhoods properly, these same neighborhoods are seeing higher-than-ever numbers of shootings & murders, including the shooting-murder of a 7-year-old black girl...who might've been protected if a police officer of any color had been in the vicinity.)

Nor do I mean the whole narrative of hating whites and demanding reparations over Southern slavery from 2 centuries ago, when black Africans fully cooperated with white slave traders to capture other black Africans, and the first official slave-holder in a America was NOT A WHITE MAN, but a black man named Anthony Johnson in 1655 (and even then slave laws were only passed in 1661, so Johnson was quite the early adapter), and that there were also black slave-owners in the American South and that, on average, they were considered much harsher & stingier (by the black slaves themselves) toward their slaves than the white slave-owners were.

​(And also that black slavery with black masters is still part of Africa today while the overwhelming majority of white Americans think slavery is atrocious and never want it to return.)

And hardly any of the people who say they care about human rights & slavery care or even know about the above.

But I don't mean those examples of hypocrisy.

Another blatant hypocrisy exists.

And that's the hypocrisy regarding evil and not. 
​
One example of this hypocrisy is that of the decades-long best-selling fantasy author whose daughter worked up the courage to reveal the truth about her astoundingly successful mother and her father.

Though I never read her mother's books, I remember this author well because I always saw her name featured more prominently than her titles on her novels in the promotional displays in every book store, in addition to seeing her books in many homes.

One of her fantasy series has remained a best-seller for decades and she created a popular fantasy magazine that gave many successful fantasy writers their start.

Yet this same author was attracted to her own gender, yet oddly chose to marry a man attracted to his own gender. (And in their circles, this guarantees infidelity.)

Furthermore, the author's husband already had a court conviction of abusing boys.

Also, this author copyedited her husband's book, which glorified the abuse of boys by men.

These are the objective facts outside the daughter's accusations.

Their daughter also recalls terrible abuse at the hands of her mother, plus being trafficked for abuse by her mother's "friends"!

With her mother's full knowledge, her father founded an infamous organization dedicated to the abuse of boys, and also abused a series of boys until the daughter called the police and ultimately put her father in prison, where he later died.

(Her mother also abused children, but I'm not sure whether she was convicted of it.)

Her brother corroborates her stories of abuse and their parents' depravity.

Court evidence shows that the mother knew of her husband's abuse of children (how could she not when she helped copyedit his book about it?), but did nothing about it. (She wouldn't because she was the same. Actually, her daughter says she was even worse.)

Reviews of her stories include remarks of disgust at the glorified exploitation of children featured within these best-selling novels. Many comment along the lines of: What kind of person would write something like that?

The glorification of depravity was blatant enough that some fans stopped reading her books because they found the author's positive attitude toward the content so disturbing.

The radical feminism & toeva were also blatant enough that some readers described those aspects of the series as "preachy."

On a personal level, both fans & newbie writers sometimes ended up verbally attacked by this author when they approached her at conventions (when it is appropriate to approach a writer because that's why they're there).

In short, there is a lot of corroboration to back up the daughter's revelations.

Yet who has heard of this scandal?

Was there any widespread movement to boycott the books or condemn the author?

There was a very brief blitz in the media (particularly among sci-fi/fantasy writers) that passed by mostly unnoticed by the public (as far as I could tell).

Some readers vowed never to read her books again. A couple of fellow sci-fi & fantasy authors also resolved never to read the books again or support anything to do with the author.

But much of the condemnation came with tiptoe-through-the-tulips terms like calling the revelations "tragic" or emphasizing the need to "separate the art from the artist" or philosophizing that "talented doesn't mean good" (as if we didn't know that already) along with expressing gratitude toward the author's professional deeds while expressing tepid disapproval of the author, referring to her as a "flawed creator."

I would say she's heinous, monstrous, and utterly corrupt — not merely "flawed." 

The author's former literary super-agent responded by saying they're "aware of allegations," yet lacked "personal knowledge" of the allegations, saying that the author was "an enormously kind person."

This was clearly not true because in addition to her depraved writing, it is easy to find reports of very bad behavior. She lashed out at both fans & novice writers.

Also, like I said, some of her books were so sick that readers questioned what kind of person who could write and promote such sick things. And that was before the allegations came out.

The literary agency (one of the stars in that field) knew her work.

They knew she wrote & promoted really sick things — exactly the things her daughter accused her of doing.

There was obviously a real disconnect going on.

​One author/editor who'd worked with the depraved fantasy writer even warned the public not to believe "sensationalist rumors." (Bet she wasn't nearly as circumspect regarding #metoo.)

Oh, but she took it back later, claiming her words were "ill-considered."

("Ill-considered," eh? How about "really cruel and flippant"? I guess that's because she can't admit that her value system is what's really "ill-considered.")

To be fair, this same author-editor later offered a big apology & even assisted the police on behalf of the daughter, but made a weird statement saying that her mistake was that she thought that the depraved author's husband "had not acted on his proclivities."

Seriously?

Does she mean to say that she knew he was depraved about young boys, but was okay with it as long as he didn't act on it?

​And these are the people deciding what society reads.​

​Yet when the extremely liberal-bordering-on-Leftist and beloved J.K. Rowling made a little tweet saying something about gender that is completely sensible & obvious to all (while expressing sympathy for people who think they are the gender they aren't), society exploded.

She came under attack from social media harassment, baseless accusations, cancellation, nasty slurs, threats of violence against her, and calls for her books to be burned. 

Staff at her publishing company refused to work on her new book in protest and several authors left their literary agency, which also represents J.K. Rowling.

This particularly revolts me because no one refused to work on the Heinous Monster's books which promoted her really horrific agenda.

And while I know one author did leave that agency without saying why (possibly because of that), no one else did even though the agency peddled the actual books that promoted this agenda (as opposed to J.K. Rowling's tweet, which has nothing to do with her literary agency). 

So authors had a very good reason to leave the Heinous Monster's agency, seeing as the agency showed an appalling lack of morals, but authors didn't leave (except for possibly one).

And authors had absolutely no reason to leave J.K. Rowling's agency (literary agents don't manage or even necessarily see their authors' tweets), yet they still did leave.

(I admit that this type of "progressive" response to the issue makes me want to crawl into a shell and never come out. Then I remember where I live & that I am actually already IN a shell! Phew!)

​What's bizarre is that J.K. Rowling has expressed empathy for these people, has befriended them, and even supports gender reassignment surgery in a minority of cases!

So she's definitely on the extreme liberal side of things.

Yet because she doesn't deny basic obvious biological FACT, she has been shlepped across the coals & been accused of hating such people, along with a lot of other blah-blah-blah.

So you see very clearly the values of society and what's important to people.

Thus we have a society in which a person who indulges in & supports the severe abuse & exploitation of children, who is accused of nearly murdering her own daughter and trafficking her out to friends — such a person is "flawed" and "tragic."

We are advised to "separate the art from the artist!"

But a person who says that physical biological gender exists is labeled as "phobic" and "hating" to the point that staff refuses to work on her book, she's boycotted and cancelled, and slammed across the globe?

This clearly demonstrates very sick priorities & revolting hypocrisy.

Please note that the above comparison is like-and-like.

Meaning, J.K. Rowling & the Heinous Monster are both Left-leaning liberal, female, feminist, wildly popular, best-selling fantasy writers.

​And look at the difference in response to their "misdeeds." (In J.K. Rowling's case, it wasn't even a misdeed, but merely a perceived misdeed...because she was actually correct.)

And before you point out that J.K. Rowling made a tweet of her own views, while it's the daughter making allegations against the other author, please remember that the awful author made her sick views very clear in her books.

I've never read any of her books, but in one series in particular, readers expressed discomfort with the display of such depravity. Again, it was promoted to the point that some readers even called it "preachy."

Again, she knew her husband had been convicted of abusing boys before they married, she knew he founded an organization dedicated to that, and she copyedited his book glorifying such abuse, plus she promoted this kind of abuse, plus toeva & radical feminism in her books.

So yeah, she didn't make a tweet of her beliefs, but her actions & writing clearly pushed a depraved & harmful agenda.

This again follows the theme of who your martyr is says a lot about you.

But in this case, it's the same theme turned on its head.

Here, it's about who is your villain & what that says about you.

Related posts:

• What Your Chosen "Martyrs" Say about You (in addition to the fact that in a pandemic, gathering in prayer is apparently dangerous & irresponsible, but gathering in violent riots is totally fine)

​​

• How would You Like to Take Your Poison: Scrambled or Sunny-Side Up?​

I wanted to write a follow-up to the post on the incredible Tzachor family in Kiryat Arba: Chaviva & Tzvi Moshe Tzachor: "How is It Possible to Abandon the Blind Baby? Instead, We Decided to Adopt Her."

While the story focuses on Chaviva (even though the father, Tzvi Moshe, played a significant role because he also saw the ad & wanted the baby, plus who else took care of Liat when Chaviva gave birth a month later to their 8th child?), the trial faced by their daughter Mina deserves a deeper look too.​

Initially, 12-year-old Mina's response to the neglected blind baby is disturbing.

Certainly, Chaviva never would have left them alone together had she known the depths of Mina's true feelings.

While it's easy to understand why Mina might find repulsive a baby with eyelids sunken into empty sockets and reeking of bedsores, her seething hatred & resentment seem extreme.

She even jabs the baby hard enough for the baby to flop onto her face.

But upon noticing both how the baby's face presses into the mattress and how the baby makes no effort to save herself, Mina realizes the truth of the situation and the danger of her own action.

She quickly seeks to right the baby back to her side (and literally right her own wrong), which allows the baby to breathe again, and causes the baby to emit a deep sigh like "a 100-year-old man."

This ignites Mina to realize how helpless the baby really is, which releases the compassion trapped beneath layers of hatred and resentment. 

In a quiet voice, Mina reassures her new baby sister that she needn't worry and promises to help her.

​And she does.

Mina ends up being one of Liat's most dedicated champions.

That initial spark of compassion fanned into a fiery idealism to nurture all special-needs children, to bring out their best and reach beyond any & all expectations.

Mina now runs the center her mother founded.

But retracing the steps back to before Liat entered the Tzachors' lives, how would Mina have been without Liat?

Probably a good person.

After all, her parents were clearly special & dedicated people. They were committed Jews, compassionate, and very dedicated to their children long before Liat appeared on the scene.

Being raised in such an environment no doubt produces emotionally healthy personalities.

But would Mina be the exceptional person she is today?

​Unlikely.

In Judaism, there is a concept of "yeridah for the sake of aliyah."

Sometimes, you need to go down before you can go up.

We all have dark parts of self.

Or, as Judaism describes it, we all have klippot (exterior shells) that cover our good parts, shells that need to be broken in order to release the beautiful spark trapped inside.

In order for the shell to be broken, we must access it first.

We can't do it unless we know it's there.

Without Liat, Mina likely never would realize that she possessed such a petty & dark side to herself, that she had the capacity to resent & hate an innocent baby so much simply because the baby wasn't externally appealing — because this wasn't the sister she wanted.

It was there whether Mina or anyone else knew about it or not.

And it would stay there throughout her life, whether she ever realized it or not.

But by Liat's mere presence bringing out such feelings, the situation forced Mina to deal with that part of herself.

Initially, she failed when she jabbed the baby.

But when she righted the baby, Mina righted her own self.

And then she could have just gone to bed after that, with that guilty discomfort of knowing she'd done something she never wanted anyone else to find out about.

But Mina took it one step further.

Not only did she correct her incorrect action, she took upon herself to help Liat.

Not only would Mina refrain from hurting Liat in the future, but she would even strive to both protect & assist Liat.

This ended up being a classic example of turning from evil and doing good, as directed by David Hamelech in Tehillim/Psalm 34:15.

Once that klippah was broken & Mina's innate compassion was released, it took her further than she could ever have traveled without that experience.

The Mina whose heart seethed with rage & hatred as she looked at her externally defective new sister is not the same Mina who now says about special-needs children like Liat:

The same girl who initially felt seething hatred now feels boundless love.

And I think this is a crucial point.

As discussed on this blog before, everything is from Hashem, including your flaws.

Anything bad about you, whether you were born with it or whether you developed it from your upbringing & environment, was designated for you by Hashem.

So there's no need to feel paralyzing shame about those aspects.

Yes, healthy shame is good because it means that you understand the difference between right & wrong.

That grimace-inducing "uh-oh" feeling you get after doing or saying something can be a wonderful indication you need to rectify something.

But if the shame is so intense that you cannot even look at that aspect of self, that you deny or minimize it, then that's not helpful at all.

And it's not correct either because your ugly aspects aren't your fault. In other words, they don't reflect the REAL you.

They were implanted there by Hashem IN ORDER FOR you to deal with & rectify them.

And Mina is a great example of this.

Yes, there are 12-year-olds who would have felt instinctive compassion, even if the baby's physical reality repulsed them.

There are. Those naturally sensitive, compassionate types exist.

But the fact that Mina initially felt so negatively doesn't reflect on Mina's true essence.

Instead, Mina's true self is the compassionate person that she became, the person who developed into a crusader for the same child she initially rejected, and then expanded that heartfelt conviction & dedication to all special-needs children.

Seething hatred flipped into unconditional love.

And I don't think it would've happened without the initial challenge first.

And that's what our challenges are for: rectification.

Even if we initially fail (as Mina did), we can still make the necessary repairs.

Just like in Mina's case.

The compassion was there all along.

​It just needed to be released.

Related posts:

• You are Not Your Flaws
• ​How Self-Hatred Blocks the Real You from Shining Through — and the Secret to Freeing Yourself
• Seeing Ourselves through Hashem's Eyes by Using a Measuring Scale of 0-10
• Learning Spiritual Growth from the Low-Life Butcher who Eventually Achieved a Good Name
  
• When Everything is Against You, Every Little Step Contains Even More Significance
  

A chilling story was told by Rav Eliyahu Keller of Givat Shaul in Yerushalayim in the Yated Hashavua about the kevurah of his father, ztz"l.

Three years ago, Rav Eliyahu’s father, Rav Avraham Moshe Keller, made aliyah from Argentina at age 79, fulfilling a lifelong dream. Rav Keller made his home at the Shomrei Hachamos senior living center where he became known for his love of the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch. He was never seen without the sefer, learning out of it every day and teaching others from it.

A month and a half ago, Rav Keller was niftar from the coronavirus.

Due to the pandemic, his levaya (funeral) – which took place at the Shamgar funeral home on the day he was niftar (passed away) as per Yerushalmi minhag (custom) – was held with very few people present, at 1 a.m. in the morning.

Another Yerushalmi minhag is that the children and grandchildren of the niftar do not go to the bais hakvaros (cemetery) during the kevurah (burial). This fact led to a painful situation of the possibility of less than a minyan of men being present at the kevurah.

Rav Eliyahu, the only son of the niftar, couldn’t go and neither could his two sons-in-law since both are Kohanim. Rav Eliyahu’s sister who lives in Israel and the four members of her family were the only ones who could attend the kevurah.

Suddenly, a man who appeared to be about 70, who was standing on the side during the levaya, approached and said that he was joining in to travel to the kevurah at Har Hazeisim.

The relatives were astounded that an elderly stranger would travel at 1 a.m. in the morning during a pandemic to Har Hazeisim and they politely told him: “You don’t have to trouble yourself.”

However, the man insisted. The family members asked him his name and if he knew the niftar and the man responded that he’s a relative of the niftar.

Now the family members were even more confused.

There were very few family members living in Israel since most of their relatives still lived in Argentina and they were familiar with all of them. They were sure the man must have made a mistake. Since there were many levayos at Shamgar that night, one after the other, they gently explained to him that he must be looking for a different levaya.

However, the man held his ground and without explaining himself further simply entered the car of Rav Eliyahu’s sister’s son-in-law who was driving to the kevurah. Along with some volunteers from the Chevra Kadisha, they now had a minyan for the kevurah.

After the kevurah, the son-in-law, still puzzled by the stranger’s presence, approached him and said: “What’s your name?”

“Gantzfried,” the man answered.

The son-in-law was sure that there were no relatives of the family named Gantzfried and was now even more puzzled.

The mysterious man returned from the beis kevurah in the son-in-law’s car along with another relative.

After they dropped off the man, the son-in-law asked his relative: “Do you know this ‘relative’ of ours named Gantzfried?”

The relative turned white. “That’s the name he told you?” he asked in astonishment.

He quickly turned around, craning his neck to see if he could still spot the man, who had just exited the car a moment ago. But he didn’t see him and even after they quickly drove around the area where they just dropped him off, they saw no glimpse of him.

The relative had immediately remembered that the name of the mechaber (author) of the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch is Harav Shlomo Gantzfried.

Rav Eliyahu said that he has no doubt that the man was a shaliach from Shamayim to accompany his father on his final journey due to his incredible attachment to the Kitzar Shulchan Aruch.

“When my father was young, his parents immigrated from Poland to Argentina,” Rav Eliyahu said. “During that time, in the period before World War II, there were no Torah institutions there. But there was a wonderful Jew named Reb Ze’ev Greenberg who taught Torah and instilled yiras Shamayim in thousands of Jews who had immigrated to Argentina from Europe.”

“When my father reached the age of Bar Mitzvah, Rav Greenberg said to him: ‘How fortunate you are for being zocheh to be mekabel the mitzvos. I’m giving you a sefer kodesh called the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch authored by Rav Shlomo Ben R’ Yosef Gantzfried as a gift and it will accompany you for your whole life. Learn this sefer and you’ll be zochech to be a good Jew and fulfill the halachos…and Hakadosh Baruch Hu will be happy with you.'

“Abba took the sefer and viewed it as a mission for life. He learned the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch every day, not missing even one day from the time he was Bar Mitzvah until the day he died. I asked him once how many times he learned the sefer and he said ‘maybe 30 times’ and this was 25 years ago!

“When my parents decided to make Aliyah my father withdrew all his savings from the bank. That night thieves broke into their home and right in front of their eyes stole their life savings and all their jewelry.

"My mother turned to my father in despair, asking ‘What will we do now?'

"My father answered quietly: 'It says in the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch that everything Hashem does is for the good. Apparently Hashem gave us a gift by making sure that we’ll be zocheh to reach Eretz Yisrael b’shleimus like Yaakov Avinu when all his wealth from other nations remained behind when he went to Eretz Yisrael.'

“My mother told us that over 65 years of marriage, she never once heard my father make a disparaging remark or speak lashon hara. If someone said something negative in his presence he acted as if he didn’t hear it, saying ‘the Kitzur Shulchan Orech doesn’t allow this.'

“My father had incredible yiras Shamayim. Once, in a moment of candor, he told me the secret of his yiras Shamayim: “The first saif (page) of the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch begins with ‘Shavisi Hashem L’Negdi Tamid. It’s a klal gadol (fundamental rule) b’Torah and the maalos (virtues) of Tzaddikim.'

“Abba lived with this saying his entire life and each time he opened the Kitzur, before opening it to the page he left off, he would turn to the first page and read the first sentence.

“Considering the way our father lived his life, we couldn’t be too surprised by the ‘mysterious stranger named Gantzfried’."

Rav Keller concluded the story by saying that he was told by morei halachah that it’s a mitzvah to publicize the story to teach others how many merits a person acquires by learning the sefarim of the Geonei HaDoros (the Torah geniuses of the generations).

​43 years ago in the Biblical city of Kiryat Arba, Chaviva Tzachor was 8 months pregnant with her 8th child when she happened to gaze at a notice in a newspaper as she stood in line at the grocery store:

"A baby girl is searching for a home."

As Chaviva read further, she learned that the baby girl was born blind and the institution holding her sought a permanent home with adoptive parents to care for her. 

​Against all logic, Chaviva felt she must adopt this baby.

Despite never buying newspapers, she decided to buy this one to show the ad to her husband, Tzvi Moshe.

​Tzvi Moshe Tzachor worked in Yerushalayim. When he came home that evening, the family ate dinner together, then Chaviva said, "I want to show you something I saw in the newspaper."

But Tzvi Moshe said, "Wait...first of all, I want to show you something that I saw."

And he took out a clipping from a newspaper he'd run across at work.

It was the same ad for the blind baby girl.

Deeply moved by this "coincidence," both parents saw this as a sign from Hashem telling them they were meant to adopt this baby.

So they called the number on the ad and discovered it belonged to an institution in Tel Aviv that housed disabled children.

The couple was invited to come the next day to see the baby (who was around a year old).

Chaviva admits that at the time, she did not consider the long-term consequences of their decision.

"It was clear to me that here was an abandoned baby in need of a home," she said. "What was needed at that moment was to help her; as far as we were concerned, it was saving a Jewish life — pure and simple."

With regard to the fact that Chaviva herself was only a month away from giving birth, she says matter-of-factly, "And what if I'd been having twins? Would I say I can only care for one of them? The attitude of mine and my husband's was to do what was necessary at that moment — including if it's not easy and even if it's complicated."

The institution was thrilled with their decision to adopt and promised to contact them once all the papers were ready.

All the bureaucracy took only 3 days. (Highly unusual at that time.) They contacted the Tzachors, who returned to pick up their new baby.

Chaviva immediately sought a medical examination for the baby girl.

At that time, Kiryat Arba lacked a proper health clinic, so the community was forced to use the services of an army doctor.

After completing his examination, the doctor told Chaviva, "Wrap her up and send her back to the place from which you brought her. Apparently, they prefer that she die in your custody and not in theirs."

But Chaviva remained resolute.

​"With God's Help," she replied, "no baby will ever die in my custody."​

In a family of mostly boys, the best place for the new baby was in the room of the then-12-year-old daughter, Mina.

But the baby's appearance horrified Mina.

"I'm not prepared to sleep with her in my room!" she said.

Chaviva understood her daughter, but pleasantly told her, "You may sleep wherever you choose. But the baby stays here."

It took Mina 35 years to reveal her true feelings about their first hours together.

"I hated her," says Mina.

That first night, Chaviva (not knowing which side the baby preferred to sleep) lay the baby on her side and left her that way, figuring that the baby would find her favorite position on her own.

After all, the institution told her that the baby knew how to turn over on her own.

But that ended up being a lie.

But late at night, when everyone else was sleeping Mina got up to look at her new sister and noticed that the one-year-old remained on that same side.

As Mina gazed at her new sister, her heart seethed with hatred & rage. 

The crumpled little eyelids sunk into empty sockets. The little body full of repulsive bedsores that stank.

"Why did she come into my life?" Mina recalled thinking to herself. "I wanted a nice sister. And here, the baby girl who arrived was so ugly. She was a neglected baby and not at all according to my expectations."

Still seething with resentment, Mina approached the baby and jabbed her in the back with her finger.  

The jab caused the baby to flop onto her stomach, her face pressing into the mattress.

Mina waited for the baby to roll back over (as per the reassurance of the institution), but the little girl never moved.

"Suddenly, I panicked," said Mina. "I pulled her back onto her side and then heard her sigh a very deep sigh — 'Ahhhhhhhhhhh' — like a 100-year-old man. That alarmed me and I realized just how helpless she was."

This aroused the compassion trapped beneath Mina's anger & hatred.

And Mina's innate compassion won out.

In the dark quiet of the night, Mina found herself speaking a promise to her new sister:

​"Don't worry — I'll help you."

The blind baby's arrival upended life for the Tzachor family.

In addition to the smelly bedsores & the lack of eyeballs, Liat suffered terrible constipation that made her sweat & strain with each movement — yet she never uttered a sound because in addition to everything else, Liat had given up on crying.

​Crying never helped. So her little baby self had given up.

The only doctor who knew how to help with the physical problems worked in Tel Aviv, so Chaviva brought Liat all the way back there, then returned home to follow his instructions: For the constipation, a teaspoon of raisin wine every 15 minutes around the clock.

This became a full-time chore.

Chaviva could not even send Liat to the local daycare because they were not equipped to deal with her problems.

Over time, the family's dedicated treatment improved the baby's condition.

For the bedsores, Chaviva could only wipe clean the baby's skin between the sores; a full bath was against doctor's orders.

Eventually, the bedsores cleared up & allowed Chaviva to bathe her for the first time.

But it was a shock for the baby.

"Apparently, for a little baby who cannot see," remembers Chaviva, "the sudden sensation was very frightening. But after a moment, I saw her relax. And even her hand, which was always clenched in a fist that never opened, found release and went slack [in a good way]. Until then, we always joked how she must have stolen the midwife's ring, and how because of that, she never opened her hand."

With the warm bath, the little girl's entire body relaxed. Her legs were no longer stiff as a board and her knees now started to bend.

It seemed to Chaviva that the little girl was enjoying herself.

Finally, Chaviva finished bathing her, then lifted the baby to her shoulder for a cuddle.

And that's when Liat started crying for the first time — strong, lusty cries.

"I get emotional all over again every time I recall it because it was the first time she started to cry — to cry hard," says Chaviva. "It was as if she was trying to tell us, 'Look! After all this time, there is finally somebody who touches me and loves me!' 

"I will never forget that cry," says Chaviva.

The lesson learned from that moment carries into Chaviva's work today with parents of disabled children.

"That was a cry that expressed so much," she explains. "Today, when I counsel parents of children with special needs and the people at social services, I say the way to identify a child who is not being cared for properly is the inability to cry.

"A child who realizes that crying will not help him — he doesn't cry. And that is the worst situation." Chaviva returns to that moment with Liat's first bout of crying: "The cries of the baby conveyed to me that she feels our love. And at that moment, I joined in her crying, and together we both cried and cried. Amid all that, I telephoned my husband and sobbed, 'Mazal tov — a daughter has been born to us'."

​Now that their new daughter realized that she had someone to whom she could cry and be answered, everyone knew that the adoption had been finalized on "both" sides. They'd accepted & loved her as a true daughter — and now the little girl finally felt that love & acceptance that herself.

That Shabbat, Chaviva & Tzvi Moshe organized a big kiddush in the shul in honor of the new reality: This little girl was truly their daughter now.

In fact, Liat hadn't been her name; she'd come to them named Yael.

But the rav of the shul told Chaviva that since Chaviva had turned into the baby's actual mother, then Chaviva should call the baby a name of her own choosing.

So together, Chaviva & Tzvi Moshe decided to call her "Liat" — a name that contains the words li ("for me") and at ("you").

As Mina explains the meaning, "You are one of us; you aren't alone."

During that time of adjustment, Chaviva also gave birth to her eighth child, who eventually transitioned to the local daycare as Chaviva continued the full-time job of caring for Liat.

The family soon discovered that in addition to her blindness, Liat suffered developmental delays.

As Kiryat Arba lacked resources at that time, Chaviva sought what Liat needed in Yerushalayim.

She discovered a rehabilitation center associated with Bikur Cholim hospital for special-needs children.

So Chaviva woke up early each morning to prepare breakfast sandwiches for her other eight children, then made her way to the rehabilitation center.

The program finished in the afternoon, forcing Chaviva to return in the late afternoon.

In Israel, lunch is the main meal of the day and the Tzachor children were used to a hot dinner waiting for them when they arrived home from school.

As a solution, Chaviva hired a woman just to cook the children a hot & satisfying meal, but the children complained that they "didn't like the food."

"No problem," said their mother. "Then we'll start eating a hot meal in the evening hours."

​And that's what they did.

When Liat turned 13, her parents sought to establish a village for special-needs religious teenagers, but they soon discovered that many parents felt reluctant about sending their children to Kiryat Arba — a place that still demands heightened security due to political tensions. 

​So the Tzachors decided to establish a center to assist special-needs children and their families.

They called it Neve Avraham in honor of the loving-kindness exemplified by Avraham Avinu.

Mina joined the venture and has worked there for 29 years so far.

Chaviva retired from running the center around the time her husband passed away, and Mina has been running it on her own ever since.

The center assists around 350 children a year and serves all the surrounding communities.

"Our motto," says Mina, "is to believe in every single one of the children and to know that the sky is the only limit."

Mina asserts that the proof of their method lies with Liat. 

"In the merit that she lives with us, and always hears talking, laughing, and a natural life in which everyone is always hugging her endlessly and investing in her so much, she has mamesh progressed. Today, she's labelled as 'severely retarded' and not 'profoundly retarded' — and that is a significant difference."

Mina concludes, "We invest everything we have in every single one of the children at the center. And we are confident that with love and faith, everyone can develop beyond all expectations."

Chaviva never lost her hope for Liat's progress.

People around the Tzachor family felt bad for them and encouraged them to return Liat. "It's a mekach ta'ut," they remarked to Chaviva & Moshe Tzvi, referring to a situation in halacha in which making an acquisition under false pretenses nullifies that acquisition.

Another evaluation was given over like this: "Do neither of you understand that she's not only blind, but also retarded with severe disabilities?"

Needless to say, Chaviva & Tzvi Moshe refused to even consider returning Liat.

She was their daughter through and through.

Even today, with Liat unable to see, communicate, or even walk (she moves around the house on her knees), Chaviva holds on to the hope that Liat will still improve.

"The hope that Liat will advance still beats within me until today," says Chaviva. "I'm sure that the day will come when Liat will succeed in speaking and communicating with all of us. HaKadosh Baruch Hu is Great and He can do anything. I believe that every child needs one adult who will believe in him. It's true that Liat is already 44 years old, but as far as I'm concerned, she continues to be my little girl."

​Hashem rewarded Chaviva for her emunah.

On Chaviva's 78th birthday, Liat said "Ima" (Mommy) for the first time.

​Now Liat says it all the time & it's the first word on her lips when she wakes up in the morning.

Liat also says the name of her big sister: "Mina-Mina-Mina."

"​The truth is," says Chaviva, "that in recent years — despite it seeming unreal and impossible — Liat is actually making progress. Since my husband passed away 4 years ago, I feel like he's functioning as a Heavenly resource. She shows us a lot more emotion, she hugs me all the time, and always wants to sit with me. She also really enjoys music. When we play songs by Avraham Fried, we see how she delighted she gets."

When asked about everything she has been forced to give up for Liat, Chaviva acknowledges that since adopting Liat, they haven't lived according to the norms of society.

For example, when Liat was younger, Chaviva and Tzvi Moshe couldn't attend family simchas together because a responsible adult always needed to be with Liat. Instead, they took turns going to family simchas.

Even now, with her husband's passing making Chaviva Liat's sole caretaker, Chaviva doesn't feel like she's missing much by not living the social life of other women her age.

"When I don't feel good or something," says Chaviva, "my children come to my aid."

All the other children are married with families of their own. But they're still there for their mother and sister whenever needed.

Ultimately, Chaviva sums up her feelings and also illuminates the real purpose of disabled people in our world (and also shows why they shouldn't be aborted or discarded):

"It's not only that we help her," says Chaviva. "But it's also that she helps us and educates all of us. In her merit, I developed patience for all my children. In her merit, my children became more sensitive toward others. And in her merit, a center was established that helps so many children.

"I thank Hashem every single day that He sent her to us. And I hope that her life will continue to be good, relaxed, and happy."

In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah for Parshat Balak: Multitudes of Yisroel, we see once again that an important leader of a powerful nation is getting nervous about the vast numbers of bnei Yisrael seen camping together.

This is a common thread throughout Jewish history.

People get nervous when they see the Jewish community growing.

Heck, even not-terribly-committed Jews get nervous when they see Torah communities growing. 

(That's why you'll have secular Jewish newspapers proclaiming predicted charedi population growth in the same tone as if a there's meteor the size of Texas headed straight for New York.)

That's why, despite minority populations (both born & immigrant) hosting really awful crime (including beheadings & other atrocities, not to mention "petty" crime), people will get persnickety about how those frum Jews in "their" neighborhood "aren't so friendly."

(Although some are perfectly sociable. But it's more fun to focus on those who aren't.)

Not that the frum Jews commit drive-by shootings targeting homes with children inside, not that they gang up on elderly men to beat them & rob them, not that a kollel guy EVER hacks ANYONE with an axe or machete, not that they raise ANY of their children to be drug-addicted feral killers by the time they're in their teens...just that those Orthodox Jews "aren't so friendly."

​Yeah, who wants those types in your neighborhood? We prefer serious dysfunction as long as you grin!

Or the hysterics (including from other frum Jews) if they see a car double-parked by a frum Jew.

Of course a Torah Jew is beholden to behave with exemplary derech eretz and keep firm to the ways of peace, both when living with fellow Jews or among non-Jewish neighbors.

Torah Jews must also obey the law.

That's all fundamental halacha.

But you would think that frum Jews are walking around with ugly tattoos and committing every crime in the book the way some people respond to certain behaviors.

Believe me, even the biggest haters never say, "Oh, I don't feel safe walking through Lakewood. Maybe I should carry mace in case I ever accidentally end up there. After all, I've heard they don't give others a big smile and say hi when people jog by them. I feel like I'd be taking my life into my own hands if I got lost there."

Also, the fact that the frum Jews themselves are so self-condemning. Halavai other groups would show the same hysteria and self-denigration about the truly dysfunctional behaviors and severe crime rife among their own groups & neighborhoods.

Then there are the people who take incriminating pictures of frum areas to upload to social media with inciting captions — only to be revealed that the picture is totally innocent and that the insidious caption is a total lie.

But Rav Miller emphasizes that Hashem LOVES seeing large groups of frum Jews.

Hashem constantly counts Jews because He cherishes them so much.

It's like a person who counts his gold just for the satisfaction of seeing the lovely coins and relishing how much he has.

​That's how Hashem feels about us.

Rav Miller emphasizes that our Avot did not receive the Torah because the Torah needed the special merit of a certain number of Jews and the Shechinah resting upon Am Yisrael.

​On pages 8-10, Rav Miller fleshes out this idea.

We need to realize that the Shechinah is here NOW.

When, say, there are 10 Jews together, the Shechinah really is there resting upon them.

And all the other times we merit the Shechinah.

It's real.

This means that when we are in a big crowd of Jews, whether it's Siyum HaShas, or a crowded street in Bnei Brak or Williamsburg, or in the supermarket of a frum neighborhood erev Shabbat, we need to focus on what's really going on.

Yes, it's easy to get caught up in the physical discomforts (especially if, like me, you feel overwhelmed in crowds and absolutely dread lines).

But Rav Miller encourages us to focus on the pleasure of the Shechinah resting upon that crowd.

He explains that the Shechinah could rest in a sparse way (like on 10 Jews) or in an abundant way (like on 100+ Jews).

So if we're in a place with lots of Jews, the Shechinah is resting in an abundant way and if we could take a moment to try and connect with that, it's very good.

We're usually completely unaware of the Shechinah, but if we would try to connect with the idea, we might sense it at least a little bit when we're in that situation.

​This also includes the increase of frum needs & equipment.

We see a whole truck coming to deliver chalav Yisrael products — that's a uniquely Jewish need.

We see frum drivers and frum people in all sorts of occupations serving our community because of the great demand & supply — a demand & supply all due to our increasing numbers.

And they're wearing beards, kippot, tzitzit out, and payos (each according to individual minhag) — in America, you couldn't do that at one time.

Even chassidim went without beards. (They used a chemical on their face, probably like today's depilatory creams, to achieve a clean-shaven look.) A Twerski told me that her grandfather was the only bearded man in a frum area when her family was first in America.

In Eretz Yisrael, the frum community has wielded many positive changes. Anywhere from a national company sending a frum person (not always, but often) to fix your whatever to a box you can check on your credit card application that prevents immodest ads being delivered to your home.

There is strength — including spiritual strength — in numbers.

​And this blessing in numbers derives from the fact that a gathering of frum Jews makes a place for the Shechinah to rest in our world. 

Here's Rav Miller on page 11:

Rav Miller notes that if you train yourself to think this way, then you are emulating the thoughts of Hashem.

That's a very powerful baby-step right there.

The politically incorrect aspect of this dvar Torah is that the Shechinah doesn't rest on Jews who aren't behaving like Jews.

​I'm personally fine with this idea because I've learned enough to know that it is absolutely correct, but many people find it offensive.

It is clear from the Torah that Hashem does not like Jews eating pork or milk with meat or unkosher beef and so on.

And keeping Shabbat is one of the 10 Commandments.

So if a group of Jews is NOT keeping to those mitzvot, then the Shechinah of course does not rest on them.

How can it?

If a group of Jews are eating unkosher hot dogs while watching a game together on Shabbat, the Shechinah is like, "Gross! I'm outta here!"

​Night clubs in certain areas might be packed with Jews, but there's no Shechinah resting upon them.​ 

Rav Miller elucidates on the Jewish woman's role in all this.

First of all, a frum couple gets married with a proper ceremony according to halacha.

Then the frum wife starts having children.

Because the Shechinah rests more abundantly when there is an abundance of Jews, this means that frum mothers have made & continue to make a MASSIVE contribution to the resting of the Shechinah upon Am Yisrael today.

This is what Chava meant (page 16) when she said, "Now I have acquired a man FOR Hashem."

By producing children, she created a space for the Shechinah to rest in this world.

Is the fact that Jewish women play a vital part in the increase of Am Yisrael part of the reason why the concept of Shechinah is in feminine form? I don't know. But it makes sense.

If you enjoy how Rav Miller reveals the truth behind the seemingly mundane tasks and important (yet often unappreciated) role of the Jewish mother, please read pages 14-18.

​As Rav Miller explains on page 15 (emphasis mine):

So when Bilaam ended up blessing Am Yisrael by remarking on their sheer numbers and the fact that Hashem counts them, the above is to what he was actually referring.

On page 18, Rav Miller again emphasizes how important it is not to see the presence of the Shechinah as a metaphor or a form of speech.

It's real.

And like all aspects of emunah, Rav Miller emphasizes how much we need to work on internalizing that beautiful concept.

Because Rav Miller was giving his shiur in front of a large group of frum Jews, he was able to say:

A recurring theme streaming throughout Tanach is the tremendous dedication to Am Yisrael demonstrated by even those rejected by Am Yisrael.

We see this with David Hamelech, Moshe Rabbeinu, Yosef Hatzaddik, Yirmiyahu HaNavi, Yiftach HaGiladi (Jephte of Gilad) and more.

Let's look at the saga of Yiftach (Shoftim/Judges 11:1-12:7), which also features in the Haftarah for Parshat Chukat.

Yiftach, like some other people in Tanach, did not start out from such noble stock.

Like Gidon, he was born into one of the smallest & least prestigious of the Tribes: Menashe.

Furthermore, his mother's status (which influences Yiftach's status) lacks propriety.

The Torah uses a term for her which could mean that she was a pundakeet (a woman who runs an inn — and while not forbidden, it's not a proper job for a bat Melech), or that she married out of her Tribe (again, not forbidden, but not the proper thing to do either), or that she was simply Gilad's pilegesh (concubine) — a woman permitted to him & faithful to him, but who is involved with him without the benefit of Kiddushin (marriage).

The truth is, none of these theories contradict each other, so she could have been all three.

Anyway, Yiftach's father, Gilad, also had an official wife. (I don't know whether Gilad's relationship with Yiftach's mother occurred before Gilad's proper marriage or during, though it sounds like before.)

At one point, Yiftach's half-brothers (from Gilad & Gilad's official wife) decided to banish Yiftach from their entire community.

Declaring they didn't want Yiftach inheriting with them from Gilad, they chased him out by force.

And the elders of that area supported the actions of Yiftach's half-brothers. 

Let's stop here for a moment and examine what happened to Yiftach here.

According to halacha, Yiftach had every right to inherit his father.

After all, the son of a pilegesh is still a son.

The pilegesh is wholly faithful to her man; there is no doubt as to who is the father of her child.

Yet even if the Yiftach's half-brothers didn't know this halacha, the elders certainly did!

Furthermore, the half-brothers chased out Yiftach with a great deal of force, say the commentaries. Described as a gibbur chayil later chosen to lead the battle against the powerful Ammonites, Yiftach must have been both physically imposing and a skillful combatant. 

I don't know whether he physically fought back against his half-brothers, but the commentaries say they chased him out aggressively (maybe they took a strong offensive due to his size & skill, even if he didn't end up fighting back).

This is very serious because you have extremely aggressive and halachically wrong actions...supported by not only by Yiftach's own Tribe — but by the elders of his own community within that Tribe (which was also called Gilad, like his father).

And Yiftach was all on his own. He had no other full sibling, nor do the text or commentaries mention other family members.

This all sounds profoundly traumatic.

And indeed, Yiftach ends up in a land called "Tov," where he hangs out with do-nothings.

But he also ends up as their leader; they willingly follow him.

And he apparently enjoys the good life in the land of Tov.

Yet Yiftach's physical prowess & charisma don't go unnoticed by his Tribe.

At one point, the same elders of Gilad make their way to the land of Tov and approach Yiftach with an offer: They want him to fight the powerful Ammonite nation on their behalf.

​They immediately offer him chiefdom before even stating their request.

But Yiftach reminds them how they hate him and drove him out from his father's house:

"And why have you come to me now when you're in distress?" 

The elders don't even try to play games with him. (You know, like, "Oh, but Yiftach our brother, YOU didn't understand...it was all a big misunderstanding!" or "Oh, are you still upset over THAT? C'mon, you're bigger than that..." or "Look, no one could be completely sure about your paternity, so you gotta understand this was the only way.")

Instead, the elders basically say, "Yeah, that IS why we've come now. Exactly. Now, come on; let's get going with this conquest."

But Yiftach has one more stipulation: If Hashem delivers the Ammonites into Yiftach's hand, Yiftach wants to be more than a military chief; he wants to be their leader.

They agree.

So Yiftach travels back with them to Gilad and he rejoins his birthplace and his people.

​And he also maintains his connection with Hashem. (He doesn't move forward without praying first.)

The story of Yiftach continues with tremendous victory in battle & successful leadership, but also personal tragedy.

​Yet all in all, Yiftach who was an am ha'aretz of ignoble birth (and his ending is so great either), merited not only to become a Shofet, but also merited an entire chapter about him in Tanach. 

Not all the Shoftim earned more than a brief mention.

Furthermore, when he needed it for his role as Judge, ruach hakodesh rested upon him.

So what's behind the success of Yiftach, who was prioritized by Chazal as the LEAST of the Shoftim?

So it's like this:

Yiftach could have told the elders to go jump.

Yes, he could have. 

Yiftach was enjoying the good life in Tov with his band of merry men.

He didn't need to be affected by an Ammonite invasion of Menashe.

Also, if Menashe really found itself in trouble, other Tribes could come to the rescue (as they did).

Furthermore, Yiftach was a religious person. Not a scholarly one, but a religious one. (Everyone was religious back then.)

If the people merited it & Hashem wanted them to win, so they would.

Simple as that.

Finally, couldn't Yiftach gloat in the persecution of Menashe?

"Oho!" he could have said with the smuggest of smirks. "Now you're on the other side of the stick. How does it feel, eh? You know what? You had your chance. You could've stepped up to plate when I was down for the count, but you didn't. You made your bed — so go lie in it and leave me the heck alone."

And then he could have cheered on the Ammonites. ("Stick it to 'em! Yeeeeah!")

He really didn't have to care. 

Also, he was already a successful leader in Tov. What did he need the prestige of Tribal leadership for? For what did he need the responsibility of people who'd treated him so badly and seemed not to like him at all?

But not only did Yiftach did step up to bat...he performed marvelously.

He saved his Tribe and then as their leader, he was a good & honest Judge.

In other words: not one smidgen of retaliation.

He consistently behaved with goodness & fairness to the same people who had so badly hurt and rejected him.

And Yiftach was always whole with Hashem. Whether he was living as the unwanted brother in Gilad or cruising as the leader of empty-headed men in Tov or presiding over Am Yisrael as a Shofet, Yiftach held on to his emunah. 

Ultimately, Yiftach was loyal.

​Despite everything, Yiftach maintained loyalty to Hashem and thus, loyalty to his Tribe.

​He was there for them when they really needed him.

​And that's the example to learn from.

Certainly, in both halacha & Tanach, we find situations when we must be tough with others.

​But in general, we're supposed to know that Hashem is behind everything and not take stuff personally.

We are supposed to overcome our pain and do the right thing no matter what.

Rav Avigdor Miller has stressed that love of our fellows must emanate from a love of Hashem — and that's what happened with Yiftach.

The text mentions how he prayed and spoke to Hashem.

Yiftach was able to overcome his trauma and preside with good grace over the same people who'd hurt him so badly because of his emunah.

As the Pele Yoetz reiterates throughout, a rodef shalom is only made when peace flees a person and he must pursue it.

If the peace stays serenely with a person, then there is no need to pursue it and thus, such a person cannot be a pursuer of peace.

Likewise, the Pele Yoetz also asks rhetorically whether a man can be praised for his good behavior if his household is pleasant & accommodating.

If his wife, children, and household staff always behave with him pleasantly & accommodatingly, says the Pele Yoetz, then what's the big deal for him to be Mr. Nicey-Nice in return?

Where's the challenge? Of course he's nice to such nice people!

But, says the Pele Yoetz, if his wife his difficult and his family & household staff try his patience, then a man who behaves pleasantly to such people — HE deserves praise! He's the winner.

​That's real middot.

Another important facet needs to be addressed here.

Unfortunately, Jew-disdainers look to magnify scenarios like the above as examples of those "bad Jews" in Tanach and why Hashem rejected the Jews (chas v'shalom) in favor of believers in the gospels.

And sometimes unthinking Jews themselves wonder what there is to be proud of when we have ancestors who behaved like Yiftach's half-brothers & the elders of Gilad.

(There's a LOT to be proud of! So many of our ancestors did magnificently wonderful things!)

So again, to reiterate the point of the Pele Yoetz: Being really nice to people who are really nice to you does NOT mean you are a nice person. 

It could mean that, but it doesn't have to.

After all, being surrounded by pleasant & accommodating people does not incite you into behaving not-nice.

Therefore, if you want to be a truly good person, then you need to behave with integrity & love in situations when you are being treated UNfairly & UNlovingly & UNpleasantly.

This means that Hashem must put you in such situations.

In other words: To be the kind of person who responds to darkness with illumination, you must be placed in a dark room.

Your light can never be seen in the brightness of the noonday sun.

In order to see your light, there needs to be darkness.

And that's why these persecutions of very good & innocent people needed to happen.

These persecutions do not reflect on Am Yisrael as a whole.

These people NEEDED for them to happen. So Hashem activated these events.

One final piece of food for thought:

We see that behaving with love & integrity & emunah in the face of terrible rejection is the cornerstone for true greatness and also for Mashiach (Ruth, King David, and Leah Imeinu were all terribly rejected at some point.)

But the opposite is also true.

In the infamous story of Kamtza & Bar Kamtza, Bar Kamtza found himself faced with terrible rejection & humiliation — rejection & humiliation that occurred with the seeming agreement of the great rabbis seated there.

It was a much lighter version of what happened to Yiftach and others.

Yet was was Bar Kamtzah's reaction?

SEETHING HATRED. REVENGE. RETALIATION. 

Bar Kamtzah actively sought to hurt the people who hurt him — and he involved a powerful enemy nation in order to execute his plan.

It was the exact opposite of how our greatest people responded to pain & rejection...

...and it led to the Destruction of the Second Beit Hamikdash, which still remains desolate 2000 years later.

So we see here that taking the low road in response to rejection & pain leads to terrible destruction of everything we cherish most.

Yet we also see that taking the higher road in response to rejection & pain leads to the highest levels of human achievement: nevuah (prophecy), ruach kodesh (a lower level of prophecy), and Mashiach.

So we see that our response to pain, rejection, betrayal, persecution, and unfairness holds the key to our own personal greatness & National success...or not.

Related posts:

• The Tragic Story of Kamtza & Bar Kamtzah
• Loneliness & Rejection as Aspects of Mashiach​
• Who is a Real Rodef Shalom?
• The Overlooked Prophetess: Chana
• ​The #1 Path to True Greatness & Achieving Your Absolute Best: Rejection, Isolation, and Being Quashed
• ​What Tanach Teaches Us about Responding to Rejection & Persecution

In the Pele Yoetz's chapter Character Traits/Middot, Rav Eliezer Papo addresses the personality that seems "born to be bad"— a bad seed, in other words.

He rhetorically asks what shall a "son" do if he personifies the following:

• his middot are bad
• the thought patterns of his very mind (dei'ot) are warped 
• he strays from the way of good sense (seichel)
• he says to bad: "Good" and to good, he says "Bad"...

...and to compound things, the above dynamics are perfectly "straight in his eyes."

"This is a sick evil with no cure," Rav Papo pronounces.

That sounds pretty hopeless.

Also, notice he doesn't just say it's bad. Rav Papo calls such a situation a ra'ah cholah — the ra'ah, the evil is not only evil, it's cholah — it's sick.

And it's apparently 100% incurable.

So what's a "son" to do?

(It's also interesting that he uses the word ben, "son" or "child," rather than "person" or "man." I don't know why he uses that term.)

Never give up! Despite his stoic assessment, Rav Papo has some tips for such a hopelessly awful person:
​

• He must pour out his soul 3 times a day during Shemoneh Esrei (apparently, Rav Papo also composed a special prayer for the sickly evil person to say at the appropriate point in Shemoneh Esrei)
• He must request that Hashem rectify him with good counsel to be made whole in his middot, his mind, and in all aspects of spiritual wholeness. (In other words, he needs to complete whatever he's missing, even though it's admittedly a lot.)
• He must do what is good & upright in the eyes of God & man.
• He must constantly learn mussar books.
• He must submit himself to Torah scholars.
• He must learn from the behavior of Torah scholars.
• He must not deviate from anything they say, no matter how it sounds to him.
• He must not rely on his own understanding.
• He must nullify his opinion before that of others.
• He must nullify his desire before that of others.
• He must utilize every last bit of strength to go against his nature.
• He must utilize every last bit of strength to go against his way of thinking.

Finally, he must strive to actualize all of the above until he it's ingrained within him and Hashem opens his eyes to allow him to see with his eyes & understand with his heart which is the straight path.

Then he'll repent and heal.

It's important to note that Rav Papo makes no promises; he prefaces the above by saying ulai — perhaps he will be saved. Maybe.

At the same time, a person who commits to the above program is fairly certain to succeed, Rav Papo reassures us.

He reminds us that any person who comes to purify him- or herself merits assistance directly from Heaven.

Also, l'fum tza'ara agra — according to the effort you invest, that's what you'll reap.​

(It's also illuminating to learn how Shemoneh Esrei plays such a powerful role in transforming an awful person. It's clear from the Pele Yoetz that Shemoneh Esrei said with kavanah, plus the inclusion of heartfelt personal pleading at the appropriate point, is a type of segulah for one imbued with "sick evil.")

Rav Papo emphasizes that life is not a Monopoly game.

There is no Get Out of Gehinnom Free! card.

​He states:

This will not extract him from the the "hands" of transgression.

Why? 

Rav Papo wraps up this short (but powerful!) chapter by reminding us that a person's entire purpose of existence is to:

• toil in Torah
• provide contentment (nachat ruach) to Hashem

How does this apply to us today?

The "I'm okay, you're okay" mentality developed in the Seventies has seeped into over 2 generations so far.

Long before that, you had Popeye the Sailorman inculcating generations of small children by singing "I yam what yam and that's all that I yam!" (I am what I am and that's all that I am.)

​In the Seventies & Eighties, blaming negative experiences & faulty upbringings excused a lot of poor behavior — including in the courtroom.

Unfortunately, many well-intentioned frum people (in a desire to give the benefit of the doubt) embraced this way of thinking and inadvertently justify unjustifiable behavior.

(Doing so is a form of chanifah, by the way; a severe Torah prohibition.)

Then came labels and that's still in vogue: narcissist, personality disorder, psychopath, sociopath, hyperactive, and so on.

​(I use these terms too, by the way, because I find them a good short-cut to conveying a certain idea. But modern pop psychology uses them to support a different agenda.)

Tremendous amounts of literature exist on whether psychopaths are born or made (some say psychopaths are born while sociopaths are made), whether narcissist personality disorder is an inherited disorder, genetic determination, and so on.

And also, there is so much discussion as to whether any of the above can be cured. (Science says it can't...although the field epigenetics is fighting against the idea of genetic determination. Epigenetics basically means that your thoughts & behavior can activate or deactivate various genes.)

But the answers were laid out in this short chapter nearly 2 centuries ago.

In other words, a person who is a narcissist or a psychopath will not be excused for their abusive behavior when standing before the Heavenly Court.

​And they're not totally hopeless either.

Either way, the "Popeye defense" will not be admissible in Court.

It's important to stress that showing compassion for someone going through a hard time is not the same as justifying bad behavior.

​I think we've all encountered people who behave like a person crying & thrashing out in pain, like the emotional version of a person with a foot caught crushed in an animal trap.

That's their emotional state.

And probably we've all behaved in that way at least once ourselves.

If so, we probably remember with gratitude any people who showed us compassion while we were trapped in that state. Maybe they even helped us out of it (i.e., managed to extract our mangled foot from the crushing trap).

So if someone is going through a difficult time or if they are really struggling to work on themselves, but fail at times, then why not give them a break?

Why not give them the benefit of the doubt, along with some patience, compassion, and encouragement?

After all, no one is perfect!

However, people who consistently behave badly with little or no remorse — and have done so for most of their lives?

And furthermore, they don't even seem to know that their behavior is hurtful or wrong?

Their trail of transgressions isn't going to be swept clean.

And please note that the description of personality disorders and psycho/sociopathy is completely encompassed by Rav Papo's description of a person imbued with "sick evil." 

Evil looks good to such a person. That's what he says. Think about that for a minute.

Think about what that means & everything that implies.

And even more strangely, goodness looks BAD.

His or her very way of thinking (de'ot) is ugly; it's all warped.

And all the wrong, warped, crazy thoughts & attitudes seem perfectly upright (yashar) in the eyes of such a person.

They're the normal person (in their own mind).

They're the superior person (in their own mind).

Yet ultimately, they don't have any excuse.

Somewhere inside of them, implies the Pele Yoetz, is some type of awareness they can access and then utilize for self-improvement.

​In other words, they are still expected to try.

​We are doing neither victims nor their persecutors a favor by justifying halachically forbidden behavior.

If it's forbidden, then it's forbidden.

And if a person habitually indulges in such behavior, and thinks it's perfectly right while being convinced that the opposite behavior (a mitzvah) is wrong, then we certainly cannot minimize or whitewash it with platitudes like, "Oh, that's just the way she is" or "He was abused as a child." And so on.

And tough luck to any of us born with any bad middot or da'ot that make good behavior feel all wrong.

We're just going to have to work even harder and suffer more discomfort than others.

That's all.

​But in the end, all that exertion & discomfort turns into something wonderful (Eternal Life) if we keep on pushing.

Appearances are definitely misleading.

But what's behind the appearance can be very helpful to know.

For instance, many "perfect" people cultivate handy secrets & clever shortcuts to fulfill their needs.

For example, years ago, a "perfect" friend of mine confided one of her shortcuts: She put the children to bed dressed for the next day.

Then she insisted I never tell anyone I heard it from her because she never wants anyone to know.

It never occurred to me to do such a thing, but once I heard it, I was hooked.

I'd get my kids showered and then put them in clean clothes. Sure, I made adjustments. For example, you needn't make your boys sleep in tzitzit and your girls sleep in tights.

And on hot nights, they could sleep without their shirt because it wouldn't take much time to put on their shirt the next morning.

This tip saved me so much stress on school mornings. I did it for years.

Having said that, most people don't like this suggestion.

It sounds weird. They tell me they could never do such a thing.

And I guess that's why my "perfect" friend insisted I never reveal my source.

Sure, it's not for everyone. Pajama pants are much more comfortable than regular pants, for example. So it depends on your child.

But many people simply don't like the idea.

Maybe it depends how many young children you need to get dressed in the morning in a short amount of time, with the pressure of the school transportation coming by a certain time.

Whatever you think of the idea (please remember, everything — the kids, the clothes, etc. — were CLEAN), it was my morning lifesaver during that phase.

Another time, I spent Shabbat in the American home of a family with 7 kids under the age of 10.

And it was perfectly spotless at all times.

I wondered how the young mother did it.

So I asked her.

And she said that part of it is that she puts away any mess immediately. Then she told me something surprising: If she doesn't have a place for something or if she doesn't have the time or energy to put it in the right place, she just tosses it in a closet or anywhere out of sight.

"Really?" I said. It sounded like those people who shove everything under the couch or throw it in laundry baskets when they hear guests are coming. That didn't seem like her at all.

"Yes," she explained nicely. "After all, it's not going to stay there forever, right? At some point, you go and find a place for it. Like, you see it in the closet or drawer and it bothers you, so eventually find a place for it."

Huh. That was a very interesting insight (which I'm not sure applies to everyone, but it was still a handy idea).

She also admitted that her children prefer to play on the main floor of the home, where their mommy is. Even though their basement was set up as a playroom with very appealing toys, the children (like most children) prefer playing where their mommy is. They might play in the basement playroom for 20 minutes, but she could never get them to make that their main play area.

So those are two examples of how "perfect" people don't do everything by the book.

Over the years, I've learned to ask people about their method when I see them excel in an area.

For example, I noticed that in one family, the siblings got along really well. It didn't matter boys or girls or what kind of personality or ages. Everyone was great friends with each other. 

And the mother wasn't amazing in other areas, but in the area of sibling relationships, I figured she must be doing something right. So I asked her and she told me, and I did it too and it worked!...and for the life of me, I can't remember what it was.

(That is so weird & frustrating. But I did it for years.)

So whether a person seems overall "perfect" or whether the person simply excels in a particular area, they usually have some kind of secret or method that works for them and that you can benefit from too.

And they're usually happy to tell you. (It can even be a big compliment for them that you think so highly of whatever it is that they're doing.)

Because they know that without the secret of their success, they would suffer consequences they prefer to avoid.

And they don't want you suffering either.