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A Little Bit about Lashon Hara

6/4/2020

4 Comments

 
Picture
Many of our Gadolim already pointed to lashon hara as being one of the causes behind this pandemic and its bizarre consequences.

It's not surprising, especially since modern technology enables lashon hara to get out of hand, spreading around the globe – and to do so immediately.

Prior to modern technology, one simply could not commit lashon hara on the levels possible today.

How much lashon hara could you spread by mouth alone?

And that was already considered really, really awful.

Telephones & radios & newspapers increased the power of lashon hara.

Then with social media & Internet, the impact of one short phrase of even avak lashon hara (the dust of lashon hara) became magnified by thousands of times.

Podcasts & video-sharing sites also magnify lashon hara into the thousands.


Putting aside the blogs & websites (whether Jewish or not) that promote lashon hara, how many otherwise good people unthinkingly participate with a short comment or tweet – or even a thumbs-up "Like!" in response to a slanderous social media post?

Even people who care about lashon hara don't always realize that what they've read is forbidden.

Even if you care about lashon hara and have studied the laws, it's still easy to trip up in this area.

​We all have our blind spots and we also sometimes forget the halacha (which is particularly complex in the laws of speech).

Very Common Scenarios that Trip Up even the Best of Us

Though I've been through books on lashon hara, studying a halacha a day over a long period of time, I'm always surprised by what I miss at this point about lashon hara.

Right now, I subscribe to an excellent Q&A about lashon hara that arrives in my Inbox every day.

(You can also subscribe at the Chafetz Chaim Heritage Foundation HERE.)

This way, you can easily learn a halacha each day.

And here are some real-life examples that arrived from this Q&A to my Inbox, examples that trip up even good, well-meaning people:
Bothered by wrongdoing
​

The town I live in has an overwhelmingly Jewish population. Every day I drive to work during the morning rush in our town, and the aggressive way many people drive really bothers me. They push their way into traffic, giving drivers no choice but to let them in; honk their horns excessively; speed wildly through about-to-turn-red lights, etc.
​

Q:I feel that if I don’t talk about it, people may not realize how wrong it is! May I tell my coworkers or family members, “People in our town drive so aggressively, it’s appalling!”

 A: Talking about a group even without names is lashon hara. Additionally, many people speak like this with a “holier than thou” attitude that does not yield results and reinforces negative speech. This is loshon hora, and there is no excuse for speaking this way. If you are proposing realistic solutions to people who will take you seriously and make changes in the way they drive, that would be a valid to’eles, and speaking would be permitted.

Reviewed by Rabbi Zev Smith.  Actual halachic decisions should be made by a rav or halachic expert on a case-by-case basis.

How many people know that the above is forbidden?

Unless you are:
  • Offering practical solutions...
  • ...and offering them to people who will actually listen...

...then you aren't allowed to say it.

I missed this one myself because the person is speaking about such a general group (i.e., he's not targeting a specific individual or named group within the Jewish community; he's not even specifying whether it's a frum community) and because he has a good intention for speaking of it (he wants to stop it).

That's a big lesson for those of who blog (and gave me an "Uh...oh" sinking feeling in my own stomach).

Here's another from the same source on a more personal level. Again, note the good intentions of the person posing the question:
One neighbor on my (primarily Jewish) block is careless about where he parks his car. He blocks people’s mailboxes so the mail can’t be delivered. He obstructs people’s driveways so they can’t park or get out. He even parks in front of the garbage containers so that the garbage can’t get picked up. 
​

It really bothers me, but as a peaceable fellow, I don’t want to confront him about it. 

​Q: May I tell our shul Rav about it? This way, the Rav can speak to him and he’ll learn his lesson, and I won’t have to give up on my friendly relationship with him, since he won’t know it was I who told.

 A:   One may not speak loshon hora about another person even l’toeles (for the benefit of preventing people from being harmed) without trying to approach that person first. Your neighbor may change what he’s doing if he hears it from you. Ask advice from a knowledgeable person as far as how to approach your neighbor in a way that is tactful and respectful.

Reviewed by Rabbi Zev Smith.  Actual halachic decisions should be made by a rav or halachic expert on a case-by-case basis.

Isn't that such a common scenario? Especially since the questioner wishes to speak with a rav, and not just a friend or family member of the offender.

Especially because he wants to involve his rav, many people think that doing this is actually a GOOD idea. (Heck, I did too! And I've been reviewing hilchot lashon hara daily for a couple of years now.)

Surprisingly, it's not okay to even ask his rav to speak to the offender about it until he has spoken personally to the offender.

(This is, of course, in case where he's not sure whether the man will listen to him. If he knows for sure that the offending man won't listen, then it's a different question.)

​Here's another common scenario, also from the same source:
My husband’s the best person to intervene
 I was at my in-laws’ home for Shabbos, prepping the food with my mother-in-law before the Friday night meal. Suddenly she began criticizing the way I speak to my children. She was agitated and even called my parenting methods “lazy.”
​

Q:I’m hurt and surprised. My mother-in-law is generally a kind and sensitive woman with a refined nature and positive attitude. I want to tell my husband what happened so he can intervene with his mother and give her a chance to apologize or explain. May I tell my husband what happened even though it’s negative information about his mother?

A: When someone acts out of character, we must try to understand what happened and see it in a positive light. If it’s clear that the person really did speak or act incorrectly, we have to assume that she realized it and immediately regretted it. Speaking to someone else about the incident is usually not considered l’to’eles. (If the hurt person feels she can’t move on, then she should consult rabbinic guidance about venting to another person.)

Reviewed by Rabbi Zev Smith.  Actual halachic decisions should be made by a rav or halachic expert on a case-by-case basis.

Again, this is another common situation in which many people do not even think twice about before speaking with their spouse.

​And again, note how the questioner sees herself as a having a beneficial reason for speaking to her husband, especially since she wants to give her mother-in-the-law the benefit of the doubt and hear her side of it.

Time's Up

The above are all common situations engaged in by good, well-meaning people who care about hilchot lashon hara.

​It's so easy to trip up in such situations.

And then what happens when such things are upload to public outlets?

Or even a private email or text between only 2 people?

Many people in the frum community have been complaining about the online lashon hara since the beginning – and good for them.

To their credit, they leave warning comments after posts or articles containing lashon hara.

But it has been going on for a long time and just getting worse.

Hashem was very patient for a long time.

And now we're seeing the consequences of our behavior.

May we all do teshuvah to the point that we don't even WANT to speak lashon hara – not even by accident!


4 Comments
R. Halevy
6/4/2020 12:05:37

Yikesss!! In summary, I should bite my tongue the whole day long!! (sorry for the unintended rhyme).

That means, if I observe some general negative behaviors within a certain group or community, I must keep it to myself unless I'm a Prophet and will gather them to hear my Sermon?

Now seriously, if this is the law I must follow it. But on the other hand, if I'm not allowed to even hint at the matter - not in private sphere nor publicly, I feel helpless and an accomplice to a certain extent, for my silence will indirectly help perpetuate such bad behavior within the community, and no Teshuvah will be made on such horrible behavior patterns.

In summary, a "Catch-22" situation.

Will our nation go on making the same mistakes without a word of rebuke until the severe judgement will arrive?

Reply
Myrtle Rising
6/4/2020 13:08:36

Hi, R. Halevy,

I was also surprised by that one.

However, it seems that the key differences are:

1) Whether you are getting the message to the perpetrators themselves
2) Whether you offer feasible solutions
3) Whether you will be listened to.

Meaning, not that you need to be a sermon-gathering prophet, but that the people you point this out to are indeed people who need to hear it & at least mull it over.

So for example...

If you were around the type of people who, say, honk their horns excessively during morning rush-hour, and they would listen to you if you said something like, "So many people honk their horns on their morning commute as if every minute is an emergency, but really, that's not derech eretz. It's not so practical either; it's more just letting off steam and, honestly, is that good middot? Also, if people start out maybe just 10 minutes earlier in the morning, they could avoid the panicky feelings that lead to excessive honking. Or maybe people could take it one day at time and take upon themselves that for the Monday morning commute, they will not honk even once, but instead say, 'Hashem is in control. This car ahead of me that is not driving fast enough for my liking is from Hashem. And I accept this b'simcha' "...

...then apparently, according to the answer given above, that would be permitted.

(Okay, people don't really talk like that, but that's the best I could do standing on one foot, so to speak.)

All these fine details matter regarding such questions. (That's why, for me anyway, the laws of speech are so complex.) In all the examples given in the original post, a change in any of the details would render it a completely different question that needs to be asked anew.

You're not an accomplice, especially if you daven for them. That alone shows you are a caring person.

Your silence doesn't perpetuate such behavior if you won't be listened to anyway (or if you are only speaking to people who never engage in such behavior anyway).

And again, even just saying one sentence to Hashem to improve the situation ("Please grant my people seichel and savlanut!") is really good.

(And I think that severe judgement you mentioned has already arrived...)

Okay, hope this helps. Thanks for your comment; it helped me clarify things in my own mind too.

Reply
R. Halevy
6/4/2020 17:34:31

Hello Myrtle, thanks for taking the time to explain the matter in more detail. I'm already aware that the laws of L.H. are complex and full of details, and I should certainly invest more time and effort into studying them.

I'm just frustrated that, after having lived in Argentina, Brazil, Germany and Japan -- also visited many other countries -- and finally settling in 2016 in the Good and Spacious Land that H" promised us, I see so many sad things in my daily life that I didn't see in all those foreign lands...

Of course I see lots of good here -- I could write non-stop about the positive things I found in EY, but certain behavior patterns never cease to shock me. From the goyim in foreign lands who have no Torah and Mussar I wouldn't expect that much, but from my brothers and sisters here I would indeed have higher expectations... (I'm not even sure if I may say this or not - please do not publish my comment if my words could be classified as L.H.).

It looks like I'll have to carry this suffering inside my heart while praying for Am Israel to "see the light" by themselves or by listening to the very few Rabbanim who bring Mussar subjects to light.

Thanks once more for your patience and guidance.

Reply
Myrtle Rising
6/4/2020 21:19:15

I think most thinking Jews experience something similar to what you describe here, R. Halevy

I have myself, as have most thinking Jews I know.

Meaning, yes, we see so much good and could "write non-stop about the positive things."

At the same time, we're so disappointed by certain behavior patterns, as you put it, including what you expressed about not because we're worse than the other nations, but because we ARE better than that...so let's get our act together!

That's totally normal and everyone must face that particular hurdle at some point.

We Jews, especially Torah-observant Jews, tend to have very high expectations of each other. In a sense, this is absolutely correct. But the reality is that the disappointing behavior exists no matter how much it shouldn't.

Jews, wherever we're from, have been through so much trauma & upheaval, especially over the past 100 years. In a sense, many of us are hanging on has hard as we can to the lifesaver of Torah – and even all that effort just barely keeps our head above water as the waves crash down on us.

Throw into the mix the confusion from externally frum people who misguide us (knowingly or unknowingly), movements that misinterpret Judaism & mess with our heads, Erev Rav, and the incredibly insidious non-Jewish Western influence...and it's a recipe for failure.

Except that we're not failing. Not totally and not all of us.

It takes time & work to learn to love each other with our faults. It's good that you don't whitewash the flaws and also it's very good that you see so many positives – both at the same time.

I don't know what you've been doing, but if it helps, here are some suggestions:

Personally, I found that reading about Yirmiyahu HaNavi helps because he profoundly loved the Jewish people, yet was also so persecuted by some of them at the same time. So he's a good example to follow.

Reading Rav Avigdor Miller has been really helping me too. He's very aware of our faults, yet offer concrete tips on how to increase one's love & appreciation.

And, as you mentioned you're already doing, praying for people is one of the most powerful acts of caring. That can eventually bring you toward more affectionate feelings, even as you still see what needs to be fixed.

Every Jew matters and even the tiniest baby-step in the right direction makes a huge impact on the Heavenly Scales, all the more so the bigger acts.

Yashar koach for what you've done & are doing.

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