NEW!
Here is an amazing & inspiring post from Shuvu Banim:
The Correct Mindset Going into Purim

The section called "Purim Reveals the Real You" is particularly enlightening.

It's a great idea on how to make the most of Purim, which seems like a minor holiday, but in reality, Purim possesses tremendous light and spiritual power.

​May we all receive its benefit!

​The Kli Yakar on Parshat Titzaveh goes into a whole thing about what we can learn regarding the angels' reaction to King Achashverosh's appalling blasphemy of eating & drinking from the vessels of the Beit Hamikdash while wearing the garments of the High Priest.
​
Please see How to Avoid being a Pathological Pollyanna. Then scroll down a little over halfway until you get to The Mountain of Sludge and start reading from there.

On Purim, we especially emphasize joy and light.

One popular Purim melody (sung also in the weekly Havdalah) and taken from Megillat Esther 16:8 is:
לַיְּהוּדִים הָיְתָה אוֹרָה וְשִׂמְחָה וְשָׂשׂן וִיקָר
"Layehudim hayta ora v'simcha v'sasson viy'kar."
"For the Jews, there was light and joy, gladness and honor."
(Hebrew courtesy of Chabad's wonderful online source: The Complete Jewish Bible)

Throughout his commentary on Tanach, the Malbim provides definitions for all different types of words:

• Ever wondered about the difference between "sasson" and "simcha"?
• Or the difference between "ohr" and "noga"?
• Or maybe you have a name that has always been defined as "joy" (like Aliza or Rina or Asher) or "light" (like Ora or Hila), and you'd like to know exactly what kind of joy or light it means?

​Take a look at the Purim Dictionary to find out!

​*Purim is an auspicious day for bonding with Hashem and asking for whatever you wish. So don't forget to inundate God with your requests!

Wishing everyone a Purim full of tremendous light and joy!

Shalom to all.

The recent & tragic loss of Rav Shmuel Auerbach has brought certain paradoxes to the fore.

For those in the know, aspects of ultra-Orthodox Jewry, including between major streams of Chassidus, can maintain positions in direct opposition to each other.

Some not-so-noble followers can get extremely heated up about their side and clash with those against the opposing viewpoint — and not l'shem Shamayim, either (even if they claim otherwise).

There is a reason why Hashem set things up this way, that two equally great Torah scholars can hold opposing views.

​Furthermore, even if you personally hold by only one of those views, you are still supposed to treat with great respect the talmid chacham holding the view you oppose.

If you listen to the actual words spoken or written directly by a great rav (whoever he may be) himself, his fire is usually interwoven with great pain and genuine heartfelt concern for Am Yisrael.

Recently, someone wrote me the following regarding people who disparage and slander great Torah scholars:

​And just as a reminder: My own beloved son was serving in the IDF until recently — exactly the kind of thing to which Rav Auerbach was vehemently opposed.

​Yet I still cherish and respect Rav Auerbach, and mourn his passing. In fact, I even agree with the rav's reasoning!

(For those even more in the know, I also really love the late Satmar Rebbe, the last Lubavitcher Rebbe, and Rav Schach. So there.)

Judaism is harmonious that way, if you're willing to see it.

​Note: I am referring to a true Torah scholar, and not someone who just has the title of "rabbi" and may even hold a post in a shul or organization and may also be a pretty smart guy, but isn't necessarily a true talmid chacham, either intellectually or personality-wise.

​But at the beginning of this post, I hinted that you'd receive some explanation about the paradox and necessity of opposing viewpoints within Torah-true Judaism (i.e., Reform, Conservative, Open Orthodox, Messianic, etc., don't count...no offense).

So here are the links to further explanations:

HaRav HaGaon Shmuel Auerbach ztz"l: Revealed Rebuke is Preferable to Hidden Love (H/T Yeranen Yaakov)

PoleHolders: Paradox #6
This is the sixth in Sarah Yehudit Schneider's video series on paradox according to Torah Judaism.
​
From her website:

The Hashmal Jig (Part 1 of 3)
This is a 3-part piece within the above-mentioned greater series on paradox according to Judaism.

This short video introduces the kabbalistic secret of the energy of consciousness generated from dancing between the poles of a paradox.

For the entire series on paradox, please see the Paradox Series.

(Don't worry about needing to invest a lot of time; they're very short videos of around 7-12 minutes, and VERY enlightening!)

May we only hear good news from now on!

When you start hissing out the whole "I'm so stupid!" or "I'm so selfish!" or "I always mess up!" or "I can't do anything right!" — you're being dishonest.

The wholesale self-condemnations simply are not true.

Yes, you may have been stupid or selfish in a particular situation. You may even have developed the habit of being stupid or selfish.

But it's not the only thing you are.

You can also be unselfish and intelligent.

Maybe you also tend to be efficient or loving or helpful or nurturing or disciplined or kind-hearted, along with being selfish or stupid.

And it's certainly not true that you always screw up or that you can never do anything right.

Everyone does something right sometimes.

Finally, the real you at your soul level is wonderfully altruistic, caring, and profound.

​So even if you are selfish or stupid much of the time, those qualities were implanted within you by Hashem and don't reflect the real nor do they describe the real you.

And this is the big reason why emotional self-flagellation isn't part of teshuvah and doesn't work for self-improvement: It's just not true.

Only the truth can heal people.​

​When you beat yourself up, you feel like you're doing something.

You also feel self-hatred and self-disgust, which many people mistake for remorse.

Self-denigration & self-hatred are not remorse.

Genuine remorse means that you feel so bad about what you did that you desperately seek the right path to improvement. Real remorse makes a person proactive and not reactive.

Hating yourself doesn't show you how to improve, it just holds you back.

Let's say you gently let me know that I really hurt you.

If I respond, whether sarcastically or petulantly or even blithely, "You're right. I'm so selfish, stupid, etc.", then what have I done?

I've made you into the oppressor and me into the oppressed.

But that's a false narrative.

If I hurt you, then you are the oppressed and I am the oppressor.

By denigrating myself, it looks like I've confessed and acknowledged my faults.

But I haven't!

​Instead, I'm turning it around to make it look like you're condemning me for things I can't help.

​After all, if I am wholly selfish, then what can I do? Just feel awful, nothing more.

A lot of times, the other person will start trying to soothe or reassure the self-denigrating oppressor: "No, no, that's not what I meant. I simply want you to stop doing..."

If I'm wrong, then why does my victim need to start reassuring me, primping my ego, and taking care of me?

I need to soothe her feelings and pay attention to her pain, not my own.

Or maybe instead of trying to soothe things, the victim starts yelling back and saying, "That's right! You are a selfish stupid dirtbag!"

Again, I've thus made myself into the oppressed and my victim is now the oppressor. Ta-da!

It's all false and manipulative.

Finally, the self-denigration is a defense mechanism.

​If I beat myself up, then I've intercepted you before you can beat me up, metaphorically speaking. This also blocks me from hearing exactly what I've done wrong, so I can't make amends for it or work on changing it.

Yet again, the self-denigration keeps me stuck in my same old muck.

As shown above, self-denigration and self-hatred are actually tools of despair and escapism.

A lot of people indulge in self-flagellation unconsciously for the reasons explained above.

But if you were wincing with self-recognition as you read it, don't despair!

​EVERYBODY indulges in escapist and defensive behavior, whether it's the above or something else.

And that's what we're here to fix, so don't be overly ashamed.

It's sort of like how even the most refined person can accidentally laugh so hard that she snorts or things fly out her nose or mouth. It's embarrassing, but it happens to everyone sometimes.

If you feel like you're really horrible, just take it to Hashem.

Even if you are really horrible (and you probably aren't), it's HIS doing, not yours.

You can discuss with him or you can write it out to Him to get to the root of it. You can pencil-sketch it or use colors to represent your different feelings, or whatever works for you.

But it boils down to 2 things:

1. Tell Hashem your negative trait.
2. Ask Him to help you fix it.

May we all succeed in completely polishing our souls in this lifetime.

I'd like to return to this idea in previous posts as related by Rebbe Akiva Rabinovitz that the purpose of our existence is to strive to rid ourselves of whatever negative qualities Hashem implanted within us.

Many of us realize that God put us here for a reason, and we know that keeping whatever mitzvot apply to each of us individually is a big part of fulfilling our purpose in life.

Some mitzvot apply to all human beings equally, whether Jewish or not (like not murdering or stealing).

Some apply only to Jews, and among those mitzvot, some apply only to men or only to women or only to Kohanim, and so on.

And for those of us who consider ourselves religious Jews, keeping Shabbat, keeping kosher, praying, giving tzedakah, performing acts of loving kindness, while refraining from harmful acts of slander, tale-bearing, revenge, and all the rest are vitally important and help create our place in the Afterlife while also impacting This World positively.

Then there are personal qualities that Hashem implanted within each person, qualities which indicate another purpose in life.

For example, a person with a strong inclination toward writing or singing or music composition or medicine or intellectual knowledge or or managerial skills or school children, etc., often understand that they should do something positive and fulfilling with those talents and inclinations.

​Furthermore, they even feel frustrated when they don't find an outlet for their unique abilities and inclinations.  

So between these two ideas, it seems like we have an idea regarding the meaning of life.

Yet according to Rebbe Akiva Rabinovitz, if we aren't identifying and uprooting our negative qualities, then we are not fulfilling the purpose of our existence.

But how can that be?

For millennia, Jewish texts tell us that keeping the mitzvot is the entire purpose of a person's existence.

The thing is, you can't really keep all the mitzvot unless you are uprooting your negative qualities and strengthening your positive qualities at the same time.

It's like with the famous story of the potential convert who came to Hillel and asked to be taught the entire Torah while standing on one foot.

Hillel told him: "That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is all the Torah in its entirety; the rest is its interpretation—go study."

Really? That's the whole Torah? And the rest is its interpretation? Even avoiding borer on Shabbat? Even mayim achronim? Even wearing tzitzit (for men)? Those are interpretations on "what is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow"?

Well, apparently they are!

After all, if Hillel said it, then it must be true. He knows better than all of us.

It all goes together.

When a Jew keeps Shabbat, for example, you are testifying to the fact that Hashem created the world.

Avoiding borer is including in Shabbat observance, so this is part of it.

When you attest to Hashem's Mastery and Omnipotence over the world, you are also attesting to the fact that He decides what is ethical or not, and if Hashem says that you must do what you can to avoid hurting others (according to Hashem's definition of hurting others), than that's what you do.

You put Hashem's Will above your own (or you try to, anyway) because He is all that really matters.

(It's a lot more profound than that, but this is the best I can explain.)

Likewise, you can't really do the mitzvot without your heart, and without working on yourself.

We see that throughout Neviim/Prophets, the people are constantly exhorted to work on their hearts.

There are calls to "circumcise your heart," to avoid having a heart of stone, to empathize with and behave compassionately toward others (especially those in particularly vulnerable situations, like the impoverished, widowed or orphaned, etc.), and to turn back to Hashem with your heart.

When you perform an act of loving-kindness, you're ideally supposed to do so without any ego or personal motivations.

But how many people can realistically carry that out?

​You should do chessed anyway with the hope and intent that eventually, you'll be able to do so without any ego stuff in the way, and with the knowledge that chessed affects you positively even if you're motivations aren't totally up to par.

But to really perform an act of pure chessed, you need to have scrubbed off all your negative qualities.

And this applies to everything else too.

You can keep all the stringencies you want, and you can technically do everything technically right.

Even with davening, you can just focus on the basic meaning of the text without any feeling and say that you have davened with kavanah. (i.e., "Yes, God, it is technically true that you are indeed the God of Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov, etc.")

You can also learn Gemara the way that secular academics learn Greek philosophy in the original Ancient Greek language.

And you'll be kind of like a frum robot, which does have it's advantages since you'll always be giving a tenth to charity and lots of other very exalted stuff.

And it goes without saying that doing the right things impacts your soul positively.

Yet we all know people who are technically frum, but whose mitzvot are rough around the edges because they're tinged with pride, ego, status-seeking, grouchiness, resentment, martyrism, or they're always on the look out for the latest loophole, etc.

​In truth, almost everyone suffers from rough-around-the-edges mitzvot because no one is perfect, but some people really think their mitzvah performance "good enough" or really think that they're doing the best they can.

There's a difference between saying "Nobody's perfect" as an excuse not to try and saying "Nobody's perfect" as words of encouragement to avoid despair and keep on going.

It's the same term with totally different meanings.

So if you are braving a deep look at yourself, both the beautiful and the not-so-beautiful parts, and asking Hashem to help you uproot them (the not-so-beautiful parts), then you are fulfilling your purpose in life, even if your mitzvah observance isn't totally up to par (yet).

(But if you keep going with talking and confessing to Hashem, then your mitzvah observance will follow eventually.)

However, if you're only giving lip-service to your not-so-lovely attributes (or ignoring them completely), then even if you're technically doing all the mitzvot and doing them technically right, then you're still not fulfilling the purpose of your existence.

​This isn't something to feel bad or hopeless about.

This is something to feel really, really good and hopeful about.

It can hurt so much to spot a particularly nasty sliver of ego or to see how far you really are from where you thought.

But hopefully, you can combat that pain and cringing with the feeling of pleasure that you're doing a really wonderful thing and fulfilling your purpose in life.

This is in addition to the fact that real chesbon hanefesh and working with Hashem on your negative qualities impacts the entire world in a positive manner.

Yes, what you do quietly while possibly wincing and cringing in the privacy of your room sweetens harsh judgements hanging over the world, and can prevent really awful things from happening.

​So feel good about being "bad"!

Previous Posts:
How to Get Past Toxic Shame & Apathy
What is the Main Purpose of Your Existence?

Let's address a concept that has been discussed throughout Judaism for millennia.

In a previous post, Rebbe Akiva Rabinovitz was quoted by Rav Ofer Erez in Ahavat Kedumim, page 170:

"He brought us down here for this purpose."

In other words, our purpose in life is to possess negative qualities and then strive to rid ourselves of these negative qualities.

Having negative qualities, no matter how awful, does not actually say anything bad about you, the real you at your soul level, although other people and even self-help books may tell you that it does.

​Sometimes, they will even tell you with great vehemence that it definitely means something bad about you.

But it doesn't!

Why?

Because your entire purpose of existence is to possess ugly stuff within you...

...and then struggle to scrub that ugliness out of you.

Rebbe Akiva Rabinovitz wasn't just saying what he thought (although he does think this). This is found throughout Judaism. It's been written many times. He's quoting earlier Sages, not bringing down his own chiddush.

Whether your negative qualities are a result of your upbringing or environment or whether you were just born that way, Hashem implanted those qualities within you.

You are meant to have bad qualities and taavot! You're supposed to have them.

This means that you need not fear when you encounter these qualities within yourself.

Anything about you that is ugly, filthy, hateful, or mortifying was given to you by Hashem.

This means that you can just ask Hashem to take these things back!

They don't belong to you anyway.

"TAKE IT BACK HASHEM!!! I DON'T WANT IT!!!"

Seriously.

And just by doing that, you are fulfilling your primary purpose in life.

To recap:
How do you fulfill your core purpose in life?

1. You acknowledge to Hashem the negative qualities implanted within you.
2. You actively try to rid yourself of them by asking Hashem to help you do so.

We'll be going into this more in future posts, but this is the nitty-gritty of it.

Previous post: How to Get Past Toxic Shame & Apathy

Let's return to the butterfly-caterpillar analogy of a previous post.

Spiritually speaking, we are all born caterpillars with butterfly potential.

The problem in our generation is that there are tons of other caterpillars going around saying things like:

• "Yes, it's true that in previous generations, caterpillars could become butterflies, but nishtaneh hateva (nature has changed) and nowadays, we can't."
• "Only truly great caterpillars can become butterflies."
• "Metamorphosing into a butterfly occurred in earlier times, but such a thing doesn't really apply to our generation."

And so on.

On the other side of things, you have caterpillars aware of the butterfly potential and even butterflies telling other caterpillars that you need to do exactly what they're doing (or have done) in order to become a butterfly even though they cannot know what you specifically need or which specific butterfly you're supposed to become.

For example, one species of caterpillar (like the Anise Swallowtail) can digest plants of a variety of species, like rue, fennel, carrot, and parsley. Yet another caterpillar type (the Monarch) can only digest plants of milkweed.

If either is given the plant incompatible with their system, they either won't eat it (because they can't) and thus not get the sustenance they need to produce a cocoon, or they'll eat it and die.

So if you have an Anise Swallowtail caterpillar pressuring a Monarch, "C'mon, you need to eat some of this wonderful rue! I'm doing it and look at me, look at how I'm gaining weight and energy toward my future metamorphosis!" -- it will damage or kill the Monarch caterpillar.

Furthermore, the cocoon process is also different among different species. For example, some species produce the well-known white silk cocoon while others shed a soft outer lay of skin to reveal a new hard layer of shiny gold called a chrysalis, and the metamorphosis takes place within the chrysalis. But even within the cocooning type, the cocoons display a wide variety of soft white, tough brown, and more.

As you can see in the images below, the Common Crow butterfly veered off from the conventional white cocoon route and turned out just fine -- just as he is supposed to.

Let's say that have a newly hatched butterfly pressuring other caterpillars to eat what he ate and spin the same cocoon he did ("That chrysalis is all wrong, buddy. Take it from me; I know. I spun white silk around myself and look how great everything turned out!").

Following his lead when it's not for you can prevent you from ever becoming a butterfly. (And of course, he'll blame you for somehow not following his advice exactly right, even if you actually followed it to the letter.)

Other caterpillars and butterflies can't know how much you need to eat of a certain plant or how long you need to cocoon yourself, nor how you personally need to break out of your cocoon.

Everyone means well, but listening to them can mess you up.

So what can well-meaning caterpillars and butterflies do?

You can be told and tell others, "Hey, I see by your markings that you've got the makings of a beautiful butterfly within you!"

Caterpillars must be told that they are meant to be much more than a mere caterpillar.

All the plant-gnawing serves a greater purpose; it's not just for daily survival. It provides the sustenance and material needed to eventually enter the cocoon stage, which is the only way to reach butterfly potential.

You can help your Monarch friend find the milkweed he so desperately needs, even though you, a Great Spangled Fritillary butterfly, are doing great with a violets-only diet.

Balance and humility are necessary.

You know that caterpillars can become butterflies.
You know that caterpillars need to eat a lot in order to get to the cocoon stage.
And you also know that their nourishment needs to come from plants (and with some species, certain insects too), and not ham sandwiches or lobster pie or oysters.

But unless you're a great tzaddik who is able to discern what each individual caterpillar specifically needs, you can't really tell a caterpillar more than the basics.

But the basics, every caterpillar should know: You're meant to become a butterfly!

You have it within you.
___________________

Previous post: What Happens When You Confuse Butterflies & Caterpillars?

The often-used butterfly parable is a great analogy, so let's go there.

As everyone knows, a butterfly is originally a caterpillar who has gone through a metamorphosis in a cocoon.

Part of the butterfly's actualization is its struggle to leave the cocoon, which develops the butterfly's strength and enables it to fly.

We're all at different stages of life regarding our spiritual development.

Some people wish to remain at the caterpillar stage. They don't yet want to confine themselves in a cocoon.

And while in the cocoon, it's best to just leave the metamorphosing caterpillar alone to complete its task.

When you look at people, it's very good to realize that the plodding little caterpillar you see is actually a beautiful butterfly in the making.

However, to treat the caterpillar as if it's already a fully formed butterfly is a big mistake.

For example, a caterpillar cannot fly.

​It also needs to eat leaves and many types of caterpillars can only eat one type of plant as other types will harm it. A caterpillar also needs to eat a tremendous amount.

On the other hand, butterflies fly and cannot eat plants.

They can only survive on liquid, particularly pollen, but also tree sap among other naturally occurring liquids, and it doesn't need as much of those as a caterpillar needs its chow.

So what happens when you insist that a caterpillar behave according to potential it has not yet reached?

What happens if you insist that a caterpillar fly or that it must stop eating so much or eating plants and instead live on a delicate liquid diet?

Well, you'll put the caterpillar on the defensive. (Caterpillars do have defense mechanisms.) Or you'll kill the caterpillar.

Also, getting a caterpillar to weave a cocoon before it's ready simply won't work. The caterpillar needs to eat tons of leaves in order to accumulate what it takes to weave and develop within the cocoon. This process cannot be forced on the caterpillar, either.

What if you decide that the caterpillar needs to leave its cocoon and live life? Maybe you're a fellow caterpillar who can't understand why your friend decided to exude a bunch of silk and snuggle up in there.

Or conversely, what if you're a butterfly and think it's time for your cocooned friend to break out and spread his wings like you?

Obviously, if the cocooned fellow listens to either of you or you guys decided to liberate him by force, he either comes out as a deformed and debilitated butterfly or he dies.

So caterpillars should not be forcing butterflies back into being caterpillars.

And butterflies should not be forcing caterpillars to already act like butterflies, just because caterpillars have that potential.

And neither should try forcing a caterpillar out of its cocoon. It will emerge in its own time.

However, butterflies and caterpillars can talk about cocoons and the metamorphic process that occurs within. Caterpillars can and should be informed and reassured about this stage, that it's something to aim for and engage in at the right time.

And a caterpillar should be told that he is more than just a caterpillar.

He should know that his current stage is just another step toward becoming a butterfly.

But he's not a butterfly yet.

Toxic shame is when you secretly know you're wrong about something, but the shame is so overwhelming you either deny you're wrong or minimize your wrongness.

This process is often instinctive and unconscious.

Toxic shame can also manifest as feeling that you are secretly bad, and that even the most inconsequential mistake is a sign of this hidden badness, so you deny or try to cover up or profusely apologize for even the most insignificant imperfections.

​(This shame-fueled apologizing for insignificant acts often blocks a person from fixing genuinely problematic behaviors.)

Apathy is when you don't care or don't know that it's wrong. Maybe it even feels really good, maybe it even feels right.

Let's tackle toxic shame first.

Getting past what's colloquially known as "toxic shame" is vital for any kind of self-improvement.

The only way to do so is to realize that any bad stuff found within you was put there by Hashem Himself.

You don't need to feel like your negative qualities and tendencies reflect on the real you.

Your negative qualities and tendencies do NOT reflect on the real you.

Many (maybe even most) people feel like their negative stuff is the real them.

This means they think that when they are down, exhausted, overwhelmed, or in any kind of negative situation, then their negative reactions are the real them coming to fore.

Meaning, they feel that they're just sitting on this volcano of bad middot and trying to keep everything undercover, but then it comes exploding and spilling out.

And then they feel frustrated and despairing because no matter how hard they try, they hit turbulence or a pothole, and everything just comes apart as if all their middot work hasn't done a darn thing.

(This is for people who are aware they have bad middot AND realize what those bad middot are AND actually try to overcome them — which is actually a good sign. Some people are so steeped in blinding darkness that they don't even do that much.)

But your emotional lava flows and hot ash clouds are not the real you.

Yet if you think that the negative stuff are the real you, then it's too much to do a cheshbon hanefesh.

​You'll see something negative that you feel or have done, and immediately try to stuff it back down or run from it or justify it or just pretend it's not there.

But Hashem put it there. It's not your fault.

I know that in a sincere effort to relieve the obstacle of toxic shame, psychology tries very hard to reassure people that their bad stuff is from their upbringing and their traumas.

That is true, but only partially.

Eventually, you can't help noticing that there are people who have been through whatever you've been through (or worse), yet  responded much better...

​...which either inspires you or depresses you or bemuses you.

Hashem gave you your personality traits AND He gave you the experiences that would challenge those traits.

​Maybe you've even undergone traumas which mashed down your good traits and ballooned up your bad traits.

Well, guess what? That's also from Hashem! You have nothing to hide before Him.

Yes, it's private and you don't need to necessarily share it with others.

But sharing it with Hashem? Go right ahead!

Saying to Hashem: "I'm envious/petty/sadistic/lazy/gluttonous/anything else" is actually a beneficial act. Yes, it's uncomfortable, maybe even torturous. But it's a cleansing pain, like putting an alcohol-based tincture on a cut to prevent infection and get the cut healed faster.

Secondly, when you state your bad middah, you can immediately ask Hashem to take it away from you, i.e.: "Hashem, I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS!!!! I REJECT THIS MIDDAH! I REJECT THIS YETZER HARA! TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME, PLEASE, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THIS!!!"

And you actually get rewarded for doing just this.

This sweetens any judgement hanging over you.

There's a concept in Judaism that once you've said something "below," meaning that you've admitted a wrong, then in Shamayim, they have no power to punish you for it.

Why?

Because you're dealing with it. You're taking care of it.

You don't need a push or a wake-up call. You're doing it already.

And no one expects you to jump from wallowing at the bottom of a pit of muck to reaching glorious heights of pristine righteousness in one a day or even within one decade.

That's not how Hashem set things up and that's not the expectation of the Beit Din Shel Maalah (the Heavenly Tribunal).

Yet it's important to remember that this isn't black-and-white or bibbity-bobbity-boo wand-waving.

Sometimes, you'll do this once and get answered/fixed right away.

(And in that case, it is Heaven-sent bibbity-bobbity-boo.)

​Yet other times, you'll need to do this repeatedly for years before you make a serious leap upwards.

And the process can also be anything between immediate and decades-long.

Yet other times, you'll think Hashem has totally fixed you in one area, but it'll come back much later, leaving you feeling like "What the heck?!"

But as long as you're actually doing it, you're winning (no matter how much it may feel like you're losing).

Needless to say, you need to mean it.

You can't just say, "I'm a glutton and I really don't care!"

Except that you actually kind of can. Sort of.

I'll tell you from personal experience that you can say, "I'm a (fill-in-the-negative), but I know I'm not supposed to be. The problem is that I really like being/doing (fill-in-the-negative) and I actually don't feel so remorseful about it, even though technically, I know that I should. On the contrary, I really enjoy it! Yet I know that I should feel bad about being this way. Can You help me out here, please?"

Again, Hashem knows you're like this.

He knows that you're not particularly remorseful, or don't see what's really so bad about whatever you're doing, or that you simply don't have much of a conscience and even enjoy it.

He knows!

This could be anything, BTW.

For example, it could be that you are a secular Jew (or a lapsed religious Jew) who has just found out about the importance of keeping Shabbat, but you simply don't enjoy Shabbat as much as you enjoy transgressing Shabbat.

Not out of spite, but maybe you just really enjoy jet-skiing, and being out in the water and the sun feels spiritual to you while sitting at a table in someone's small living room feels kind of blah in comparison.

Fine!

​Say that to Hashem and ask Him what to do about it, or just ask Him if He would please take care of it for you.

Again, Hashem made you like that. Whether via your innate nature or upbringing or a combination of both, He made you into a person who prefers jet-skiing to Shabbat.

So what?

Take it to Hashem and plop it down in front of Him, and let Him deal with it, i.e.: "I know I'm supposed to love Shabbat, Hashem. But I just don't. What should I do? Can You please help me to get where I'm supposed to be? Because I'm just not feeling it. I'm just not there."

Anyone on any level with any issue can do this.

In Rav Ofer Erez's commentary on Rebbe Nachman's The Lost Princess, he quotes a great tzaddik named Rebbe Akiva Rabinovitz:

Note: The above insight is connected to the part of The Lost Princess in which the viceroy "began to see the letters" written in the tears of the Princess on the scarf, which she left for this same viceroy who was searching for her.

To review:
What's the best thing to do to overcome the toxic shame and apathy that blocks you from your true potential and from fulfilling your soul's mission?
​

• Realize that ANYTHING negative about you, anything that has ever caused you to do anything wrong, has been implanted in you by Hashem. It's not you.
• Know that your negative traits are not the real you.
• Know that your good points are the real you.
• Admit your negative traits/inclinations/actions to Hashem, even if it makes you cringe, or even if you don't feel bad about them.
• Ask Hashem to help you with whole mess.

May we all succeed in completing our soul tikkun without trials or tribulations.

Related posts:

• What is the Main Purpose of Your Existence?​
• Getting Real about Your Reality

In a recent post, we discussed how the positive traits, qualities, and merits you seek in others must be true, and not imagined.

Yes, even the worst Jew still has a beautiful shining soul underneath all the muck. So the potential you may sense is definitely there.

But practically speaking, some people really are trying to hurt others, maybe even enjoy hurting or embarrassing others, really don't care about anyone except themselves, and really aren't motivated to change no matter how much their behavior is harming themselves or others.

Some people really aren't interested in even starting the work it takes to make even a smidgen of teshuvah, no matter how much support they receive from a friend or counselor or rebbetzin.

So in order to find that meritorious quality or deed, you may need to sideswipe a lot of muck and detour into a completely different area of their personality in order to find the merit.

I think this also explains why, many times, the very person you spend hours listening to and validating ends up turning on you. Initially, I thought it resulted from their poor self-image. Meaning, I thought they couldn't stand hearing good things about themselves or hearing their behavior reframed in a positive light because it felt like such a lie due to their profound self-loathing and inner toxic shame. 

I also thought that sometimes it was a trust issue, i.e. their way of testing your love to see if you'd really would be there for them no matter what.

And then, you may be gritting your teeth with them because they've become so difficult and oppositional, so they also sense that tension they've caused by upsetting you or exhausting you emotionally.

And finally, because their attacking and "testing" can be so hurtful, you may either finally reach your breaking point and strike back (which will either REALLY upset them or make them victoriously happy that you finally broke down and have become inferior to them, as they perceive it) OR you may simply place healthy limits on their offensive behavior -- something they hate because it implies that they are wrong in some way and people consumed with toxic shame usually cannot tolerate being wrong or at fault.

And I still think those aspects are true, but I no longer think that's the whole picture.

I think that if they actually don't mean well or that they really are doing the wrong thing, yet you insist on repainting their bad stuff in rosy hues, then they sense that dishonesty on your part (however sincere your own intentions are).

Maybe you really do think they're just kidding about a negative thing they said.
Maybe you really do think they care about how their hurtful behavior affects their neighbors, their spouse, or their children.
Maybe you really do think they want to improve and do teshuvah, but are just struggling through a rough patch right now.

But what if they don't?

Maybe they don't. I made this mistake a lot.

Let's look at it through a parable...

Let's say your three-year-old is still pretty bald. It happens. But looking at your and your husband's family members, you know that this kid has the genetics to have a beautiful head of hair.

Fine. But what if you start treating this child as if she already has a full head of thick gorgeous hair?

What happens if you decide to brush that bare little head with a hairbrush meant for long thick hair? (Ouch!)

What if you decide that you needn't put at hat on her when you go out in the sun because, heck, it'll just be too hot on top of all that thick hair? (Sunburn! Sunstroke!)

What if you decide to place barrettes and hair accessories on her head with no hair to hold them in place? (They'll fall off and get lost.)

It's very nice that you view your child in such a positive manner. But tachlis?

THE KID HAS NO HAIR! She's bald as baseball!

Forget her hair for a minute. It doesn't exist right now. You'll need to take her bald vulnerabilities into consideration, but at the same time, you can also focus on her positive qualities that do exist, like her gorgeous eyes or her astounding fine-motor coordination.

Stopping buying her hair accessories (except sunhats) and instead, buy her stickers for her adept little fingers and turquoise jumpers to accentuate her pretty blue eyes.

Being well-meaningly but dishonestly positive also generates chanifah -- often translated as "flattery," but it really means behaving as if a forbidden behavior is okay or even right.

The Torah outright forbids chanifah, which is likely another reason why painting a person as too rosy a picture often leads to disaster for you, as described at the beginning of the post. Chanifah is a severe transgression according to the Torah and Ways of Tzaddikim/Orchot Tzaddikim dedicates a whole chapter to eliminating this quality.

If your love and good intentions lead you to sin (like the sin of chanifah), then you just won't have siyata d'Shmaya at your side, no matter how much you truly want to want to perform chessed.

Being smacked out of the relationship is Hashem's way of getting you out of a harmful situation. He loves you and doesn't want you to continue down the path of chanifah. He wants you to be good and reap reward, and not the opposite.

It should also be pointed out that very difficult people usually speak lots of lashon hara. This often occurs under the guise of doing so l'toelet (for a beneficial purpose), but they usually go far beyond the limits of toelet. They genuinely feel hurt, betrayed, and frustrated with several people in their life (and sometimes for good reason). But they don't just pour out their frustrations occasionally to one person in a disciplined manner; it's constant. It literally goes on for years with an ongoing variety of friends, relatives, rebbetzins, rabbis, and therapists.

So you end up listening to lots of lashon hara under the impression that it's l'toelet, but really it's forbidden.

So you might feel shocked, hurt, betrayed, or guilty when the person you've been trying to help finally turns on you. But really, it's Hashem acknowledging your good intentions and trying to yank you out of a spiritually harmful situation before it's too late.

To sum up:

• Find a REAL merit or a good point in a person...
• ...but don't invent what's not actually there.
• Realize there is beautiful soul-light underneath all the dark muck...
• ...but don't relate to the person as if that light is already shining through when there is really only dark muck for now.
• In other words, don't treat a bald person like a full-head-of-hair person.
• Daven for the person.
• Tell Hashem of that person's good points and good potential.
• Be kind and compassionate, but don't sacrifice your own soul or your Olam Haba for this person's ego demands.
• Review the laws of lashon hara and chanifah so you can identify them and follow them accordingly.
• Lovingly and cheerfully do your own cheshbon hanefesh to catch the sneaky traits that can trip up even the best person.

Note: I really like Miriam Adahan's tip to judge a situation by:

• frequency
• intensity
• duration

Why? Because we all mess up at times.

We all get frustrated, angry, negative, stressed, and overwhelmed.
We can all lash out with non-toelet lashon hara, yelling, and other forbidden behaviors.

So it follows that if someone engages in prohibited behaviors infrequently, without overwhelming intensity, and of short duration, then it would be wrong to judge the person according to this negative outburst.

When I discuss people who are behaving dysfunctionally and unremorsefully, I mean people for whom this is their normal pattern of behavior over the long term.

I do not mean people who are struggling through a low point in their life or undergoing serious stress at the moment. Even the best person can be knocked off kilter for a week or even a month. But if years go by and the person shows only superficial change or no change, then you need to take that into account.

Of course, a person can turn himself or herself around even after decades of bad behavior. It has happened. But until they do, you need to take their history of frequency, intensity, and duration into account.
___________
Related posts:
How Embracing a Contradiction Leads to Resolution
4 Things to Know about Beneficial Lashon Hara
How to Speak and How to Listen to the Lashon Hara of Hurt Feelings

May we all merit to do teshuvah from love and not from suffering.

One of the valuable aspects of Judaism is the way it expands your mind (which in turn expands your soul and your heart).

A challenging yet surefire way this works is when you read something in Chazal that doesn't quite line up with your personal experience.

Yet because it was a tzaddik who said it, you know that he's right and you are wrong.

The question is — how?

You've got this paradoxical contradiction of him being right, yet you honestly just don't see it, and he seems wrong.

(Note: I'm not talking about era-specific statements in Chazal,  which assume a primitive world without electricity or without a modern indoor plumbing system, etc.)

That's when you have to stretch your mind to encompass what the Sage is saying.

(You can also hash this out with God or a like-minded friend or write it out or engage in further reading to see if someone else already fleshed it out.)

I know that for decades now, the fashionable attitude is to say "nishtaneh hateva (nature changed)" about anything that doesn't fit perfectly into one's current world view or to insist that's how it was pa'am (back then), but it doesn't apply to us now.

​Or to swoon about the great level of the Sage and how we cannot possible understand anything he said if it's a bit challenging to understand.

How convenient!

Convenient, but not helpful. It's just not true that so much of what they say is simply inapplicable to the modern Jew.

Due to the great darkness and muck of our generation, we just have to dig a bit more to get to the gems hidden within Chazal.

One of my big heroes, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender of Words of Faith, emphasizes classic Breslov thought by saying that if you find some kind of merit or good point in another person, this alone can bring that person to teshuvah.

Just by mentally identifying that person's good point, without ever saying a word to that person, can propel that person to self-transformation.

Great!

The thing is, that didn't match up with my personal experience...which made me uncomfortable because if you need to chose between listening to him or listening to me, then the only choice is him. Rav Bender wins every time!

So I was caught in this uncomfortable contradiction because I couldn't dismiss his wisdom, yet I also could not deny my own experience.

Just as an example:

I kept running into people who had serious problems in life and sought help for them.

I assumed that they just needed a hand up, some chizuk, maybe even some practical help, and so on.

I assumed that they wanted to do the right thing and were willing to work on themselves. Indeed, they were already going to enormous lengths to deal with their problems: expensive treatments, a wide variety of consultations, traveling great distances (even flights to other countries), medications (in some cases), and following very difficult-to-implement techniques, and so on.

Yet over time, I couldn't remain blind to the fact that they weren't really willing to work on themselves in order to achieve whatever it was they sought (shalom bayit, good children, etc.).

Underneath the surface, most were investing a lot in pursuit of that non-existent magic wand that would fix their problems with the flick of a wrist.

Because they were running around so much and throwing around so much money, it looked like they were making herculean efforts.

​But really, it was all a distraction to avoid the raw yet beneficial cheshbon hanefesh necessary for real transformation.

This dynamic occurs unconsciously, BTW.

​They honestly think they are giving heart and soul to their objective, but genuinely do not realize that they are simply juggling bowling balls while running in place.

How do I know? I used to make the same mistake myself.

And some of them really didn't care about or like their own children, which I did not believe at first because such a thing simply did not compute in my mind.

Yes, I know there are parents who don't really care or don't really love, but it just didn't seem like these people were of that ilk.

And they said stuff or behaved in certain ways that I initially dismissed as "she's just kidding" or "she's just stressed out" or "she doesn't mean it" or "I'm missing something; I'm sure I'm not seeing the whole picture" or "she's just struggling now; it's normal for people to behave/speak like that at a low point."

(Note: Often, these favorable judgements are true. The person really is just reacting from stress or a low point, etc., and shouldn't be judged negatively.)

The problem was that these people weren't just kidding, they did mean it, and weren't going through temporary stress or the normal low point we all hit sometimes.

The dysfunctional attitudes and behaviors really did reflect their true level (albeit not their true potential).

Yet I kept treating them and relating to them as if they truly did care about and like their children, as if they really did want to get better and make their lives better.

Meaning, I gave them the benefit of the doubt. I judged them favorably!

In my heart, I really was seeing them as better than they actually are.

And on the soul level, they could and did want to be more.

But practically speaking, they didn't. They were blocked off from their soul and wanted a magic wand without doing the work.

So why did they never improve?

In fact, they sometimes got even worse. And a lot of times, they either turned on me, took advantage of me, or started testing the friendship so aggressively that I had to shout "Stop!" in self-defense (both figuratively and non-figuratively).

Furthermore, things would happen or be said that forced me to face the facts:

1. They weren't interested in real self-improvement.
2. They weren't interested in truly helping their children (beyond maternal instinct).

My experience repeatedly seemed to contradict Rav Bender's philosophy.

Yet that couldn't be. He had to be right. But how could I deny the facts?

​Not only were all my positive assumptions about these people being kicked back in my face and not only did giving them the benefit of the doubt end up hurting me, it also didn't seem to help them one whit.

So what was I missing?

I was missing the same thing they were: honesty.

Seeing something that's not there isn't helpful.

When we find a merit or a good point in a person, it needs to be a quality that the person actually possesses.

Unfortunately, the material I encountered on judging favorably and giving the benefit of the doubt tended to maintain a narrow focus.

(Your experience may be and hopefully has been different. But this is the material I repeatedly encountered.)

As I continuously heard and read: People always meant well (or simply weren't aware of what they were doing), no matter how bad their actions were (except for obviously evil people, like child-attackers and violent psychos).

If someone's bad behavior did seem intentional or genuinely problematic, then that was simply because you were seeing them incorrectly.

You simply could not trust your perceptions.

When the above was true, viewing people through rose-colored glasses worked out really well.

But this didn't leave much room for dealing with people who enjoy hurting others, whether through mocking or sabotaging/gaslighting or sniping or slander campaigns or anything else.

This also didn't leave much room for dealing with people who had serious blind spots that hurt them and others or for dealing with people who really didn't care.

Finally, I found out the hard way that pretending they're better than they are only encourages their dysfunctional qualities.

So ASIDE from their dysfunctional stuff, they possess good points.

Meaning, maybe she can't see anything good in her children, but she always volunteers to make a scrumptious chicken soup for a sick neighbor and genuinely enjoys doing so.

That's a really good quality!

Both qualities exist within her. Both are true:

• She cannot see anything good in her children. (This is true and very problematic.)
• She loves helping sick people get better and make a great chicken soup. (This is true and very laudable.)

The good and the bad exist together side by side.

The goal is to expand the good until there is no more room for the bad.

Judaism is very strict about Truth. Whitewashing isn't the goal of Torah.

Yes, you must see the positive side of people and situations.

Yes, you must judge favorably.

But it needs to be real.

And that's what Rav Bender meant.

BTW, that's also why these people kept turning on me.

Deep down, they sensed I was dealing with them dishonestly (even though I'd thought at the time that my view of them was correct).

Psychology would say they were responding from low self-esteem, and that was partly true.

​But it's also true that I wasn't seeing them honestly.

Thinking positive about people really isn't enough. It has to be real.

​And even the worst person has a good point, whether it's a well-intended (albeit distorted) motivation or an actual personality trait or a meritorious deed.

But what would've happened if Hashem hadn't stopped me from taking the comfortable route?

What if, instead allowing the seeming contradiction between my experiences and Rav Bender's words of wisdom to simmer until the mind-expanding "Ah-ha!" moment, Hashem had allowed me to drift down the more comfortable path of cognitive dissonance?

"Oh, he meant that back then, but it's not for our times" or "Nishtaneh hateva!" or "He was on such a high level, there is no way to fathom such wisdom or what he really meant" (even though he was clearly speaking to an audience that included non-Torah scholars).

If I'd just dismissed the seeming (and extremely discomfiting) contradiction, I never would have learned the lesson I needed to learn.

​Hashem saved me from further bashing my head against the wall of my own blind spot.

Baruch Hashem for that.