Each year, we end the Pesach Seder with the words:

"L'shanah haba b'Yerushalayim habnuya! 

Next year in the rebuilt city of Jerusalem!"

Furthermore, it has always been a great mitzvah for a Jew to make aliyah and live in Eretz Yisrael if at all possible.

Yet like everything else, this mitzvah needs a lot of prayer.

In fact, a major life-change like this calls for copious heartfelt prayer, whether you feel like you'll never be able to make aliyah or whether you're already on your way. Fortunately, Rabbi Eliezer Papo (author of the Pele Yoetz) wrote a book of prayers for all occasions (called Beit Tefillah) including this prayer for "Diur b'Eretz Hakodesh — Residing in the Holy Land."

As is usual by tzaddikim, you'll see that in his great love for his fellow Jews, Rav Papo doesn't leave out anyone.

​Also, while Jews outside of Eretz Yisrael have an obligation to help and support Jews living within Eretz Yisrael, Jews within Eretz Yisrael apparently have a special obligation to pray for their fellow Jews still stuck outside.

We're all in this together!

The following prayer is presented in:

• Hebrew
• English transliteration
• English translation

A Prayer to Dwell in the Land of Israel

May it be Your Will Hashem, my God and the God of my fathers that You will help your Nation of Israel and grant them the merit to permanently fix their abode to reside honorably in the Holy Land.

And may no person say, "It's difficult [narrow, too tight] for me, this place I will reside within the Holy Land."

And may they not need to leave it, but may they remain within it in holiness and purity all the days of their lives, and there shall be their death and there shall be their resting place of honor.
​
And grant strength and valor and good will to those who dwell outside the Land, to be helpers and supporters in hand with the settlers of Eretz Yisrael, both physically and financially, so that they can dwell there in peace and tranquility, toiling in Your Divine Service and praying for Your Nation.

​To download as a PDF, please press the pretty azure button:

Rav Papo published Pele Yoetz in the Ottoman Empire's Bulgaria in 1824.

​At that time he wrote of the Jews in Eretz Yisrael (who were also under Turkish Muslim rule):

But regarding the great mitzvah of aliyah, which he encourages if at all feasible (emphasis mine — MR):

Jews in Eretz Yisrael often feel like we're making the big sacrifice on behalf of world Jewry.

​But in reality, a move to Eretz Yisrael carries with it a tremendous responsibility:
heartfelt prayer on behalf of our precious brothers and sisters (in addition to raising our own standards of piety and religious commitment).

The lives of the Jews in chutz l'Aretz depend on our "mouths"! We need to buckle down and care about everyone and beg for Hashem's Mercy for EVERYONE.

Rav Papo provides an important list of what Jews in Eretz Yisrael must pray for:

• Each person should pray for his relatives according to his best ability
• Pray for the building of the Beit Hamikdash
• Pray for the Ingathering of the Exiles
• Pray for Hashem to bring the complete Redemption speedily in our days, Amen.

He concludes with:

Due to a reader comment and a reader email inquiring about source verification, I called the number in the Sefer Tehillim I have, the same one which lists the segulah/use for each perek Tehillim.

To clear up any confusion, I'd like to explain:
​
The sefer Tehillim with the segulot information is called Shaarei Rachamim and is published under the auspices of Zichron Rachamim by the rosh yeshivah Rav Aharon Zakai and distributed by Hasefer Hatov, which is located on Chagai Street in Yerushalayim.

Rav Zakai heads the Ohr Yom Tov institutions and Talmud Torah Habayit Hayehudi, and has also published a multi-volume set on the Jewish home, among other books.

To see the full list of his books, please click HERE.

To see a list of his books with detailed descriptions, please click HERE.

This Sefer Tehillim is titled: Sefer Tehillim: Shaar Harachamim im segulot v'tefillot haChida -- Book of Psalms: Gate of Mercy with segulot and prayers of the Chida.

There are a lot of prayers and segulot from the Chida in the back of the book.

The only reason why I wasn't 100% sure that the segulot mentioned with each perek were from the Chida is because in the back of the book, there is also the Tikkun Haklali of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov with the proper instructions and the usual verses of preface and conclusion — except that it's not called Tikkun Haklali but "Tikkun Hakeri rachmana latzlan," AND it doesn't say anything about Rebbe Nachman.

So it made me wonder whether ALL the segulot mentioned in the book are from the Chida or whether some are from another great sage, but the compilers simply didn't think to add the sage's name.

Anyway, the good man who answered the phone very nicely explained that if the book says that the segulot are from the Chida, then that means ALL the segulot within are from the Chida.

He also explained that the Tikkun Haklali wasn't specifically credited to Rebbe Nachman because "everyone knows" it's Rebbe Nachman's Tikkun.

He seemed surprised anyone might think it was from a source other than that.

(To my mind, this is a particularly interesting cultural variation. Just like your average English-speaker knows that "To be or not to be" is Hamlet by Shakespeare or that any TV-watching American from my generation knows that "Where's the beef?" is a Wendy's commercial, so too a Sefardi Israeli interested in reciting Tehillim with the Chida's segulot would certainly know that the Tikkun on the last page is the famous Tikkun Haklali by Rebbe Nachman. This cultural assumption makes sense within their cultural framework, even though it doesn't within my cultural framework.)

The person with whom I spoke didn't know the exact source in the Chida's writings for each segulah, but gave me the number of Rav Zakai for more information.

​If I get up the gumption, I'll call the rav (or more preferably, convince my husband to do it) for further information.

Okay, I hope the above helps anyone with the same kind of inquiring mind!

Thanks very much to the astute readers who inquired in the first place.

To view or download the lists of segulot/uses of each Tehillim (not completed as of yet), please see the following:
UPDATED: A List of Specific Tehillim for Different Ailments of Body and Soul

Even as I subscribed in my younger years to the idea of "the" parenting method that would produce ideal children (i.e. happy, well-adjusted, and frum), I couldn't help noticing that other families successfully used methods that our experts either ignored or dismissed or even opposed.

I meant to fulfill the promulgated chinuch principles to the letter, but having taken psychology in college and having been inundated with all sorts of child psychology pundits, articles, best-selling books, and methods since my preteens, I viewed with concern the obvious borrowing from pop psychology in chinuch classes claiming to teach the "authentic" or "real" or "traditional" TORAH way of raising children.

And as several of the methods either didn't work or backfired with my own children (and with no workable alternative solution from whatever chinuch person or book I consulted), I opened my mind to watching what actually worked for others, instead continuing the exhausting jig of pretty theories.

One aspect of Israeli families that struck me was how mothers seemed to actually NEED their children's help.

Chores weren't merely for the sake of self-discipline or good habits, but instead, they comprised meaningful work that benefited the entire family.

Even more shocking to me was how the mothers weren't ashamed to need their children.

I found that my Anglo friends and I never wanted to NEED a child's help.

Furthermore, such a situation always seems discouraged among the chinuch experts in the English-speaking world.

Yet I was seeing this among Israeli families, particularly Sefardi families, and it seemed to be working out just fine.

Children helped much more than in American families and in general their homes seemed to run better.

(These are big generalizations of course, and there are many exceptions to them on both sides.)

Furthermore, children seemed to do more at younger ages, seemed to feel good about themselves with regard to it, and even took the initiative to clean or cook.

Even more impressive, they seemed to WANT to continue these habits when they set up their own homes.

And I never saw those rotating "job charts" so popular among the parenting experts during my childhood.

Furthermore, these meaningful contributions in childhood extended into adulthood.

I saw adult children who paid attention to their parents and concerned themselves with their well-being.

They also spoke of their parents differently, without the emotional distance I was used to hearing secular adults in America speak of their parents.

​These Israeli adult children seemed more cognizant of their parents' feelings and viewed their parents as individuals rather than as a magazine article of behaviors.

I wondered why.

Also, I remember hearing often as a child how chores were good for children because it made them feel part of the family.

However, that was definitely not how I felt about chores as a child, nor did it seem that my siblings felt that way either.

In fact, while I don't remember friends liking chores, the ones who didn't try to shirk out of them tended to be those who felt their contributions were meaningful and necessary to the family and running of the home.

This included friends whose parents leaned on them in ways others considered inappropriate.

For example, I had one friend who from 10th or 11th grade, was expected to prepare supper between the time she came home from school and the time her parents came home from work — and this was a daily long-term expectation she needed to organize around her homework and other activities.

I was aghast, but she defended it, explaining how logistically speaking, it really wasn't practical for her parents to prepare supper around working full-time jobs.

She also expressed pride & satisfaction over how much they liked her cooking.

In fact, she seemed proud of her accomplishment and not imposed upon.

She also pointed out that she now had skills that would serve her for life, skills that weren't common among her peers, so she felt a cut above the rest.

Also, I noticed many mothers in my generation, regardless of their religious background, had very set views about children and housework, trying to make it fun and free of stress.

With regard to structure in general, a great many decided that if they felt they were too tired or stressed to deal with their children calmly, then they just let things go.

​Tidying, bedtimes, and other responsibilities were pushed off just so the mother wouldn't end up yelling or showing any anger.

This was supposed to show children the value of overcoming anger, but (and this will come as no shock to the generations above ours) children instead interpreted this as a lack of consistency—and responded accordingly.

After lots of observation and pondering, I realized several things:

• Chores that have no meaning or necessity other than to teach the child self-discipline become meaningless pointless work.​

NO ONE wants to engage in meaningless pointless activities (unless they're fun), including adults.

And because children aren't particularly interested in self-discipline or building character, it's hard for them to help around the house unless the work actually contributes something meaningful.

If I tell you to flap your arms around "for your own good," how happily & how long will you be able to keep flapping?

But what if I tell you that by flapping your arms, you create air currents (I'm totally making this up) that cool off heat stroke victims and help asthma sufferers, particularly when the sufferer is an immediate family member?

Suddenly, flapping your arms is a lot more meaningful.

And now you might be willing to do it.

• Traditionally, parents needed children.

Yes, that is actually the authentic traditional TORAH way of rearing children — and not just the Torah way, either.

Out of necessity, everyone used to raise their children this way and still do in many parts of the world.

Children who helped out in the field, assisted in the family store, fetched water from the well, or brought the cows home were performing genuinely meaningful and necessary contributions to the family.

Attitudes changed over time, possibly due to mandatory schooling keeping children away home for huge chunks of childhood and also possibly due to advanced household technology, plus smaller family sizes and a move to urban life.

Suddenly, fastidious housekeepers enjoyed electricity, indoor plumbing, spray cleaners, vacuum cleaners, dishwashers, washing machines, and dryers to cut down on time and labor spent on housework and reaped a cleaner result too (i.e, a dishwasher or even hot running water and a good-quality sponge clean dishes much faster and better than wiping dishes with a soapy rag dipped in cold or lukewarm water from a bucket).

They also had fewer children to contend with, so a mother didn't feel the same need for an older child's help when she's nursing or otherwise occupied.

Gradually, children became only a hindrance for housework rather than also being potential help.

• Teaching children that parents have needs teaches children compassion.

Parents get tired, sick, and overwhelmed.

It's perfectly fine for children to realize this.

Yes, a parent who is tired, sick, or overwhelmed to the point of incapacitation for a long time may be scary or overwhelming for a child.

But a child who sees that a parent NEEDS help and the child can help that parent?

Well, that builds good middot in the child, particular when the parents show their gratitude and appreciation for the child's meaningful contribution.

A child who allows the mother to sleep hopefully finds a refreshed and joyful mother when she wakes up — all in the merit of this wonderful child.

A child who washes all the dishes to save the mother that chore or who surprises the mother with folded laundry will ideally encounter a thrilled and very thankful mother.

As a child in America and as an adult in Israel, I also noticed that parents who needed their children tended to produce children who were more sensitive to others.

Let's face it: If your mother continues to function just fine even when she has the flu or hasn't slept properly for a month, then how are you going to respond to people who have the flu or who are tired?

If you don't realize that people really need help at times — and that you are able to help AND your contribution is meaningful — then how will you relate to others who are struggling?

Needless to say, this can be taken to an unhealthy extreme.

Needy parents wear out their children with their ceaseless demands.

​Such children may develop apathy to others because they assume that people who need others are simply lazy or manipulative.

So this was my big challenge: letting my children know that I needed them, and also that their contributions are meaningful and important.

As mentioned above, it is important to strive for balance:

• Needing children's contributions is good.
• Needy, demanding parents are not good.

And with Hashem's Help, that's what I'm trying to do.

Related links:
The Last 200 Years of Chinuch I: The Non-Jewish World
The Last 200 Years of Chinuch II: The Jewish World
Will the Real "Chinuch shel Pa'am" Please Stand Up?

With Pesach coming up, here are some reviews of some books you might want to check out for that 2-day chag/Shabbat at the end of Pesach or for any downtime you find on chol hamoed:

It feels weird to write a review on what's essentially a holy mussar book, but I do highly recommend this 2-volume set: Words of Faith.

​I am not Breslov, but I gain tremendous mussar and inspiration from Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender each time I open this book, something I've done many times.

No matter how many times I just glance into it, I get something vitally new each time.

Due to trepidation at losing the essence of Rav Bender's words via translation, the book's English version is a very literal translation of the original Yiddish. This means that it doesn't flow as well as a standard translation, but what you lose in eloquence, you gain in essence and authenticity, which is preferable in my opinion.

If you'd like a sampling of his wisdom, this blog has stories and wisdom from his book, if you click on "Rav L.Y. Bender" under "Categories" in the sidebar.

Consisting of transcribed lectures Rav Bender gave over the years, Words of Faith is filled with essential spiritual advice, spiritual truths, and fascinating heart-stirring stories you'll never hear anywhere else, I really feel that this book is a must-read for every Jew.

A Daughter of Two Mothers is one of my all-time favorite books and I've read it a thousand times. I don't even know where to start. It's the true story of Leichu, who was an aunt of the author and who told the author that she could publish the story after her passing. And that's how Miriam Cohen came to write this book. It involves a forbidden adoption, plus a young frum Jewish girl is saved by a Roma couple and together, they survive the Shoah by living in a cave in the Carpathian mountains for a year.

I've written about this book elsewhere on this blog:
Scaling that Steep Mountain

Miriam Cohen's other non-fiction book, Behind the Walls, is excellent too.

When I used to read Mishpacha magazine, Libi Astaire was one of the writers whom I would always read no matter what topic she covered, and even whether it was fiction or non-fiction.

Being a history buff – especially of women’s and Jewish history – I had my eye on Day Trips to Jewish History for a long time, even though I knew I'd already read most of these articles in Mishpacha already.
 
But I finally bought it anyway and was not disappointed.

For me, it's material I enjoy re-reading.

Libi covers all sorts of stuff that isn’t widely known, but is very intriguing. For example:

• What really happened to the Jewish children kidnapped to the Portuguese-African island of Sao Tome and whether they were really eaten by the giant lizards that inhabited the island at that time as other sources had mentioned.

(Libi sheds an astounding amount of light onto that event and what happened afterwards.)

• Or what was really going on with Shylock’s portrayal in the Merchant of Venice?
• Jewish female doctors, Jewish female moneylenders, etc...
• And was Hebrew truly close to becoming the official language of Colonial America?

And for some reason, I’m always very interested in what people ate at different times and in different cultures, so happily, Libi covers this too.

The book also addresses a wide variety of periods, topics, and cultures in Jewish history:

• Regency England
• early Spanish-Jewish settlement in the Americas
• Shakespeare
• and much more.

It’s very well-written and the research she invested is incredible. Getting her hands on early source material, consulting with experts and officials, and even visiting many of the places about which she writes lends solid credibility and delicious detail to her writing.

This book is a real gem in the Jewish history genre.

(Note: Libi has also been quite prolific in writing high-quality, deeply researched, Jewish-themed historical novels that are worth checking out.)

I'm a big fan of Rivka Levy's books. Here are some of my favorites and why:

The How, What and Why of Talking to God is a great little book you can finish in half-an-hour, and it gives you helpful tools to get started talking to God. If you feel intimidated or lost when facing concepts like hitbodedut, "Just daven!", 6-hour hitbodedut, "Just turn to Hashem," or making a direct personal connection with God, then this little conversational book is a great way to start.

Unlocking the Secret of the Erev Rav is such an eye-opening book.

Using respected sources, Rivka sheds some much-needed light on the Erev Rav phenomena and how to deal with it.

It is also very well-written and a fascinating read.

49 Days: An Interactive Journal of Self-Discovery is a gorgeous colorful journal with wonderfully thought-provoking exercises that take you on an inner journey through the Omer time period, but can also be used by anyone at anytime.

(If you'd like it for the Omer, then best to order it now. I just ordered my copy from Book Depository.)

I think it would be interesting to fill this out each year, then compare the previous with the current to gauge certain aspects of one's spiritual growth.

The Stolen Light isn't really by Rivka Levy because she translated it from Yitzchak Leibowitz's brilliant manuscript, but it very much benefits from her writing skills!

Inspiring, exciting, riveting, this book makes great reading, whether you're looking for great fiction or great non-fiction. Written in a fiction format, the stories within are actually true. I loved it and my teenagers (who read it in Hebrew) loved it too.

For more Myrtle Rising book reviews, please click on "Book Reviews" under "Categories" in the side bar.

When doing teshuvah (repentance), cheshbon hanefesh (a self-accounting of your deeds, whether beautiful, ugly, or "meh"), Confession/Vidui, hitbodedut and talking to Hashem like He is your One True Friend who sincerely cares about you, it's important to remember that growth is gradual and you can still display wonkiness and bad middot, even as you improve (although these should be lessening as your spiritual journey progresses).

You will always discover new issues as you continue to dig deeper.

And that's okay. It's good!

For example, I lived with a certain mindset that I honestly considered normal and justified. Yes, I realized that other people in similar situations held very different mindsets, but I simply assumed that:

A) They were acting from weakness and not being honest with themselves regarding the reality, which tended to backfire on them.
or
B) They were on an impossibly high level, a level way beyond my reach.

Assumption A was often true and I was mostly right to dismiss it.

Assumption B is the bane of our generation and constantly used to justify and even encourage spiritual inertia.

But I thought that no, really, this time this particular level really is way beyond me.

Then I was innocently listening to a shiur (lecture, class) by Rabbanit Miriam Arush (yes, the honored wife of Rav Shalom Arush). And she was describing how she used to be somewhat critical and a stickler for doing things "right," even to the point of sternly confronting and taking down names of people like bus drivers or receptionists whom she felt were not doing their job properly.

(I must confess, I'm rather fond of people like this who strive to make the world a better place for everyone, and this is her description of herself, not mine.)

Then she described how she realized that wasn't the proper way to be, so she changed and started handing out praise and encouraging words to these same people...."and I received even better service than when I used to criticize!" she pointed out.

But even when her new 'n' improved behavior didn't yield the desired results (i.e. better service, etc), it was still the right way to proceed and she kept up with it.

She also mentioned the importance of telling people they're right, even if you know they aren't: "people" meaning your husband and young adult children. No, you don't have to do this in a sinful or bobble-headed manner (i.e. no moral compromising), but she merely pointed out that there are times when saying "You're right!" really is the best way to go, even when that person is technically wrong.

What I loved about her is that she didn't pretend, but stated outright several times that yes, you can be right and your husband wrong -- not that you just think you're right, but that you really ARE right! -- but that in some situations, it really is better to just let that go and say to him, "You're right."

She meant to do so from a place of strength and emuna, and not from a place of weakness and cowardly appeasement.

Now, I've known many people with her type of personality and I know how hard it is for them to make the kind of change she'd made and to say the kinds of things she was. Furthermore, she was being aboveboard about herself and her own difficult challenges in self-improvement. So I really, really admired her and felt like she was the real deal.

She said several other things not commonly heard in shiurim, points that also deeply resonated with me.

But then she suddenly started addressing my precious mindset.

And she wasn't complimentary about it either.

She emphasized that people who engage in a particular behavior (which I'd indulged in, although I was curbing it better lately) derive that behave from a particular mindset (gulp!), and that mindset signifies...she made a dignified discreet gesture that clearly indicated "mental illness."

Uh-oh.

Of course, I responded with all the usual evasive maneuvers:

• This doesn't apply to me. It just doesn't.
• She doesn't mean my specific situation. Mine is different!
• It's a cultural difference, not an objective viewpoint. Israeli Sefardim are different than American Ashkenazim like me.
• She doesn't understand. If she knew all the details of MY issue...
• It's a personality difference, not an objective viewpoint. People blessed with such lofty self-discipline and meticulousness (like Rabbanit Arush) can't apply their standards to people like me.

Except that her obvious commitment to truth, scrupulousness, and the more strenuous aspects of self-improvement made it difficult to wholly dismiss her point, especially when she repeated it several times.

But it was too much for me nonetheless.

Then I remembered that the Rav Eliezer Papo made pretty much the same point in his seminal Pele Yoetz. In fact, I even checked his book several times just to make sure (i.e., to try and see how Rabbanit Arush's viewpoint didn't apply to me...but alas, I couldn't deny the words of the Pele Yoetz: It did apply to me -- gulp!).

Seeing as he was a tremendous tzaddik who chose to suffer to death from the plague so as to atone for his city and save his fellow Jews from suffering the same fate in epidemic proportions, I felt like I could no longer ignore this.

Time to drag myself kicking and screaming from my blissful state of denial!

I wrestled with Hashem about this and what can I say? It hasn't been easy.

I really had convinced myself that this was way beyond me, miles above my current level, and God basically said, "So what? You need to get going up this mountain anyway because that's what you're here to do and objectively speaking, this is the proper Torah way of thinking and behaving. Don't let the difficulty or the height discourage you; just you making the attempt makes Me Happy."

So the thing is, we cling to certain anti-Torah beliefs and behaviors because they benefited us at one time, even if it was only once.

And in this way, we cripple ourselves and make certain behaviors and beliefs into crutches to keep us propped up.

If we give up these behaviors and beliefs, then we crumple to the ground, helpless and powerless. This is both demoralizing and terrifying.

(This is also where the Jewish concept of "sur m'ra v'aseh tov/turn from evil and do good" comes in because while you can initially sur m'ra, continuing to sur m'ra is mostly impossible unless you replace the ra by investing in aseh tov/doing good.)

Even the mere act of recognizing this mindset as inappropriate made me feel extremely vulnerable, helpless, anxious, and off-balance.

And this is totally normal.

Thankfully, I also saw a bit of encouragement early on to bolster my fallen, newly crutchless self. Certain aspects of life that had long been sharp suddenly softened.

Also, as per the advice of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov and elucidated on by Rav Ofer Erez, I stopped myself from indulging in toxic shame (and instead limited myself to regular healthy shame), and refused to label myself as wholly & innately mentally ill, sick, psycho, or anything else negative just because I had ONE unhealthy anti-Torah belief wedged deep into my psyche (especially since it initially got there for a good reason).

And even if you find 20 anti-Torah wonky beliefs wedged into your psyche and entrenched in your behavior, that doesn't mean you are innately awful or hopeless.

It's all from Hashem and not your fault.

But as always, I got tested too.

The spiritual physics call for a type of spiritual "physical therapy," which means that you need to work that spiritual "muscle" in order to build and strengthen it. The work is painful and uncomfortable, but if you keep at it, you'll eventually be able to walk and even run with it.

And so, once you pinpoint a weak area, Hashem brings you situations to enable you to work that weak area and make it strong and healthy.

A lot of people fear this, which is only natural.

But it's also why you need to cultivate a relationship with Hashem to get through this and experience God as a Loving Caring Physiotherapist, rather than as a punishing nitpicky bully, chas v'shalom.

Otherwise, it's unbearable and you can turn into a hard brittle person from it.
______
Disclaimer: Sometimes you hear a piece of advice, even from a prominent highly respected person, that really is not for you, doesn't apply to you or your situation, is genuinely all wrong for you, is truly a result of cultural or personality differences, or results from narrow-mindedness or misunderstanding on the adviser's part. That's fine and it's important to respect your own opinion so you don't get screwed up by the other's mistaken or inapplicable opinion.

But my point is the importance of differentiating between real necessary dismissal and misplaced denial. That's all.
______

May we all merit to do complete teshuvah from love and not from tribulation/nisayon or disgrace/bizayon.

When many people think of doing teshuvah, they think of breast-beating, feeling bad about themselves (this is unhelpful shame rather than beneficial remorse), reading mussar tomes written centuries ago, etc.

When told to just daven about stuff, many people feel like that sounds as if they're supposed to say, "Hashem, help me" a million times or for half-an-hour -- which is admittedly very boring and more of a mantra rather than actual prayer. (Prayer is supposed to consist of praise/gratitude, confession, and request, not just request.)

Many people also don't sit down and verbally discuss even one issue with God, they don't mind-map it, or freewrite it, or anything. They maybe notice something they did wrong, mumble "Well, I'll just try harder next time", and then go on with life, thinking that this is teshuvah, i.e., "Anyway, changing one middah is harder than learning all of Shas," they philosophize to themselves. "It's a lifetime of work. Need to just keep chugging along, I guess..."

The REALLY serious penitents may pick up a particularly good frum self-help book in English and then make an effort to apply the advice contained within. (I'm not knocking this, BTW. It's genuinely helpful and there are some good books out there. My point is that it ultimately isn't enough. It cannot replace the good old-fashioned and halachically mandated chesbon hanefesh.)

Real teshuvah is uncomfortable. You may not want to see your inner warts. In fact, who wants to see such ugly warts? Not me.

However, maybe Hashem fine-tunes your life so that seeing those warts and stains on your soul are not nearly as painful as certain life situations you may be experiencing. (This is what happened to me.)

However, many people still resist even though talking to Hashem and trying to see the message in the nisayon is ultimately less painful than problems with your kids, shalom bayit problems, neighbor problems, and more. (It is for sure less painful than dealing with your warts during a Heavenly Court proceeding after death, may we all live until 120.)

Why do people resist a deep-reaching cheshbon hanefesh, despite all the pain they're suffering from Hashem's wake-up calls? A lot of people feel angry at Hashem or don't trust Him. They find it hard to believe that He really controls everything and that He really has our best interests in mind.

That's pretty normal, even among the most sterling FFBs.

But normal doesn't mean acceptable. At some point, a person needs to face Hashem. Better to do it in This World rather than in The Next.

I still run into middot that I don't want to see. I feel frustrated that I'm still stuck at a certain point, despite my inner work. The worst is when I see what's wrong with me, but I honestly cannot figure out what the better behavior/attitude/mindset is and Hashem only gives me a hint about what step to take in the new & improved direction.

However, I still try to feel good about the above because despite my frustration, shame, or befuddlement, I'm doing exactly what Hashem put me here for. And I remind myself of this whenever I feel overwhelmed with teshuvah.

On the sidebar Categories, you'll see "Minchat Yehudah." You can click on that to read a series of posts taken from a book by Rav Yehudah Fetiyah, a fearless tzaddik who could rectify even the filthiest dead souls and converse with frightening angels.

The most amazing and inspiring aspect of his experience was how just a moment of teshuvah really can prevent decades of unimaginable suffering in the Next World.

Even more amazing and inspiring, teshuvah works wonders for even really heinous sins. You'll see that Rav Fetiyah encounters lost & tormented souls who committed sins you would never commit, sins you can't imagine why anyone would want to commit. And yet even a moment of teshuvah would've saved them so much suffering!

Do you ever meet people who regularly manipulate others, who cause fights & bad blood between people (most tragically, between spouses or siblings), who tell slanderous lies about others...yet consider themselves to be loving, generous people?

I've even had such people say, "I'm a tzadekes for putting up with this situation. No, really, Myrtle. Don't you think I'm a tzadekes?"

Or, "Hashem gives me so much suffering because I am so good. Tzaddik v'ra lo."

And disturbingly enough, they wholeheartedly believe what they're saying. Yet it's so clear that they either cause their own suffering (because people start to hate being manipulated, slandered and lied to or about) or are likely being punished for all the bad they do, the suffering being a wake-up call rather than an atonement.

(Although I want to say that at least some of their suffering really does seem to be atonement-oriented, like if it happened when they were a child. Other aspects of it may also seem unrelated to their behavior. But

The same is true for people who knowingly indulge in unethical or hurtful behavior because they are convinced about their own victimhood. The other person deserves to suffer because the self-proclaimed victim is merely helplessly lashing out or just protecting him or herself. Lashon hara is okay "because I'm really hurt and just need to get it off my chest." (This kind of lashon hara really can be permissible under certain conditions and with only ONE, maximum two listeners.)

If only they would sit down with Hashem and speak to Hashem as if He is their One True Loving Friend (because that's what He really is).

If only they would realize that they could avoid a lot of suffering in This World if they just took baby steps toward a cheshbon hanefesh and real teshuvah.

If only they would realize that the suffering in the Next World is so much worse and that any shame they feel in This World is no comparison and happily enough, is considered a wonderful atonement and preventative for suffering in the Next World.

I try to remember the above whenever I start cringing or getting prickly or trying to ignore a particularly cringe-worthy aspect of myself, and to feel happy and good about it, despite the pain.

Very Extreme Example:
"Ew, I've just realized that I have repressed cannibalistic tendencies when I've always considered myself the supreme vegan. Even worse, this isn't a normal flaw, but something considered particularly loathsome even in today's most immoral society. I'd really rather not see myself this way, but the shame I feel is part of the cleansing process, and that's a really good thing. Also, I'm happy that I discovered it now and can take care of it, so no need to suffer in the Next World for it! Also, it's not that I'm intrinsically loathsome; Hashem placed that cannibalistic tendency within me--it's not my fault! Please Hashem, help me to overcome my secret desire to chow down on my fellow Man. I really don't even want to admit that I have these tendencies, but no matter how bad I feel, I know I'll end up feeling even worse if I pretend they're not there. Please eradicate them from me Hashem, and save me from them!"

I purposely chose a very disturbing and unrealistic extreme example just to show you how this can work.

So here's the cheerful motto for dealing with cumbersome teshuvah pains:
"Better now than later!"
___________

Related links:

• Minchat Yehudah Part I: Teshuvah and What Happens After You Die
• Minchat Yehudah Part II: True and Astounding Compassion
• Minchat Yehudah Part III: The Reassuring Truth about Hell, Punishment, Avenging Angels...and How to Avoid Them!
• 4 Things to Know about Beneficial Lashon Hara

For dealing with questions and frustrations about Hashem, please read Garden of Emuna with an open mind.
It's the only book I've seen that deals with all these issues head-on in one place. Mistrust of Hashem, anger at Hashem, why bad things happen, suffering, all the hard questions, etc...it's all covered within.

Where was the freedom promised???!!

For those of us who opened our eyes to the reality around us, that became our heart's battlecry. Where is that all that gosh-darn freedom you all are blubbering on about? And the feeling that by exposing the "wings," that's what crushed them.

Thanks, social justice warriors!

Anyway, I kept the magazine with that poem for years, going back to peruse "Fragile Wings" until the magazine got lost and I was unhappy about the loss of the poem.

So when I discovered that there was a whole book by the author of this poem, I made sure to get a copy, if only to see my beloved poem again.

("Fragile Wings" and many other poems by Bracha Goetz also appear in the book.)

And believe me, I wasn't disappointed.

Even though the writer starts off the book with her own junior high school years 20 years before I started my own junior high experience, so much rang true and felt so familiar. Like Bracha, I also remember that whole rush to "grow up," which actually didn't contain any growth or upward progression, but instead shoved you off to this discomfiting side dimension where you were left to sink or swim (which meant that most girls simply floundered). All of the sudden, there was this tremendous social pressure that literally came out of nowhere, and no one to discuss it with.

And then Bracha describes her eating disorders, her search for truth, the people she met along the way, her struggles, and she describes it all so authentically, but modestly too. There's a hindsight-lightness to even her heavier scenes, and also several guffaw-out-loud moments for the reader.

There are also several passages which made me think, "Omigosh, I cannot believe she's admitting this in public." But interestingly, this only made me like her even more. And I don't often feel this way when a writer starts getting "confessional," but there's something about the way that Bracha does it that's incredibly appealing.

Everyone has their own issues regardless of religious or irreligious their background, but women who did not grow up FFB definitely have specific issues that are barely acknowledged. (And these issues also differ in tone from generation to generation.) And it's not always a tsnius issue either. Even the most yeshivish frum communities secretly have mixed feelings about feminism (unexpressed uneasy gratitude, which in my opinion is misplaced), and this colors how frum women relate to the issues of women who aren't FFB.

Furthermore, while every single memoir or autobiographical article by a baal teshuvah always features people from upwardly mobile families and nice neighborhoods, baalei teshuvah who were academically successful and attended top-notch colleges, and then had a successful career (if they hadn't already become frum by that time) and possessing tremendous ambition -- and I was most definitely NEVER like that -- I could still relate to Bracha's memoir.

Also, I initially wasn't sure about the journal-entry/epistolary format, but partway through, I ended up feeling like this really was the best way to write this memoir.

Finally, what I loved most about this book is how much I liked the author (whom I've never met). It was a pleasure to spend virtual time with someone who is so funny, caring, real, and idealistic. 

This book is definitely worth a read.

Even in the frummest communities, there are "experts" and media bombarding us with turning to therapists, medication, and other secular remedies as the ultimate solution.

Davening and genuine deep-digging cheshbon hanefesh are often considered side dishes to the secular methods, rather than the main course.

(If utilized correctly, these secular-based resources can help temporarily, but the primary goal of any nisayon — which is from Hashem in the first place — is to turn to Hashem and develop a relationship with Him, and to allow your individual soul reach its full potential and illumination.)

Combined with that, there are so many band-aid distractions so readily available at our fingertips!

Especially with today's technology, options, and accessibility, you could easily sink into novels, movies, drugs (both legal and illegal), alcohol, accumulating material positions, social media, filthy images, gossip and texting/email altercations, news, "ooh, shiny!" information, and so much more.

When I was in high school in the Eighties, I knew exactly who I could go to for drugs or a gun. (There were at least 2 boys I knew of who kept a handgun in their school lockers.)

I didn't do so, but I easily could have. Things are much worse and even more accessible now.

And for women, the Internet is like an unending magazine.

Women aren't as likely to go for the hard core filth, but the tiflut is definitely a pull.

Sure, watching an unending stream of cooking or baking how-to videos seems so innocent compared to what other people are watching online, but is watching 8 different videos on making homemade marshmallows really the best use of one's time?

​When standing before the Heavenly Court (we should all live until 120!), is that going to be overlooked or will one be brought to account for not doing teshuvah or saying Tehillim during those 2 hours when practically speaking, only 15 minutes of 2 videos gave you enough to know about making those marshmallows?

You don't even feel the time go by when you're engaged in any technological pursuit (i.e., surfing, gaming, watching, etc.).

For decades, studies have shown that TV/movies/videos affect your brain and lull you into an Alpha-wave state, but recent studies have shown similar effects regarding Internet surfing and phone texting.

And even more recently, reports have shed light on the hijinks of Facebook to hit your brain in the most addictive way.

Video games also affect the brain, decreasing the Beta waves (which indicate liveliness and degree of tension in the prefrontal region of the brain) and increasing aggressive behavior, among other things. (They can also be incredibly addictive.)

With modern music, producers use research to determine song arrangement so that the brain is hit in a certain way (called a "hook").

The opening chords of a song and other parts of the song are arranged so that when you peruse the radio or hear the song blasting out of a passing car, it hits your brain in a way that makes you want more of that song (and just one reason why pop music all sounds the same).

They even polish movie scripts down to a science.

Especially with movies produced in the past 10 years, you can time the necessary plot points down the minute.

Today, screenwriting classes describe how if you split a movie into 6 parts (1st plot point, 1st pinch-point, midpoint, 2nd pinch-point, 2nd plot point, etc), you'll see that in a movie that runs, say, an hour and 43 minutes, the first plot point occurs at exactly 16 minutes, then the first pinch-point occurs at 32 minutes, and so on.

​It's down to a science with the intention of hitting your brain in a certain way.

Children's movies, BTW, have become appallingly violent and foul.

True, children's movies always contained garbage due to the fact that the movie industry was conceived and populated by degenerates.

​But my son showed me the clip of one popular animated children's movie in which a male bird kept getting whomped painfully between the legs — and that was supposed to be comic.

​And there's other stuff that I really can't write about because it's so vulgar, but if you've even seen the 3-minute promo of any animated children's movie today, then you know exactly what I mean.

Yet very young children watch all this.

And this is just the media stuff, which you can enjoy privately while still looking very pious and sedate on the outside. And with all the piracy going on, you don't even need to pay for entertainment any more (unless you want to or if you have a guilty conscience).

Advertisers also whittled their methods down to a science.

And what about food? Sugar and chemicals hit the brain in specific ways to make you want more of that too.

What are we supposed to do when our very BRAINS are under assault?

Do you want to settle down with a good novel?

Me, too.

But I can't! (Except for Rabbi Meir Lehmann's books, which are also based on true stories.)

Have you ever read a fantasy or science fiction novel featuring God? (With maybe one or two exceptions, they are always either polytheistic or atheistic.)

And what about mainstream novels for any age?

Do any of them ever tout appealing characters who are also moral monotheists? Or at the very least, a positively portrayed Republican?

You know when frum people read any novel in any genre, they need to ignore a lot of garbage, both ideologically and practically. And that becomes part of the reading experience for frum people.

Furthermore, non-fiction has also become dicey, weaving in Leftist/Liberal secular immoral values and potty language.

​Even books written by religious right-wing conservatives contain problematic ideas and foul language (not to mention the turn they take into Christianity or touting as "Christian" what are essentially Jewish values.)

(This does not even begin to cover the halachically problematic Far East mysticism increasingly popular within any self-help material.)

And finally: This is so bizarre to me, but religious right-wing conservative women who pound away about traditional values also have taken upon themselves the body-baring clothing, va-va-voom makeup and hairstyles, and potty-mouthing that actually demean women and go against the civilizing genteel dignifying influence women traditionally had on Western society.

​Do you remember how men used to have to curb their language and behavior around women? Well, no more! Now we can ALL be uninhibited cussers!

In short, everything's a big immoral mess AND this mess is constantly pounding on our heads (literally!) with increasing force and stealth.

Needless to say, there are also non-Jews who try to make space in their lives for spiritual pursuits.

ASTOUNDING!

Here are other signs that you possess an amazing neshama (soul):

• Do you try to dress with dignity and modesty even though the entire surrounding culture (and even parts of the frum community) disdains this?

• Do you make time for Hashem (even though all the distractions — including "kosher" ones — are so sticky and alluring)?

• Do you make some attempt to watch your mouth (both foul language & lashon hara) even though the entire surrounding culture thinks that foul language is cool and lashon hara is virtuous (or at least, funny)?

• Do you make some attempt to guard your eyes from forbidden sights?

• What about your thoughts?

• Do you make some attempt to discipline yourself with regard to online activity?

• Do you ever scrutinize yourself to see what you've done wrong and then actually try to make amends and improve that part of yourself?

• Do you ever read mussar (when you could be reading a NYT bestseller), listen to a Torah shiur (when you could be pirating a movie), or listen to Shwekey (when you could be listening to a digitally designed secular pop song)?

• Do you do anything else encouraged by the Torah despite the fact that there so many other things (sometimes under the guise of "kosher") grasping at you like Voldemort's underwater Inferi?

Rabbi Anava is right that we are actually an exceptional generation.

​The fact that the soul-light is able to glint through any of this muck is the biggest indication of how exalted our souls actually are, despite how we may otherwise behave.

​I think this is the class by Rabbi Alon Anava mentioned above:
Can You Handle the Truth? (H/T Shirat Devorah)

Judaism has always emphasized the need to praise and thank Hashem before making any request. Genuine prayer consists of praise, request, and gratitude.

Here's well-known example:
"Hey, God...You're Great!
Can I have some food?
Thanks!"

And while the Shlah Hakadosh's most famous prayer is that said for the welfare of one's child (particularly powerful when said on Erev Rosh Chodesh Sivan), there is another very short prayer he wrote to enhance the success of one's task (Tefillah L'Hatzlacha).

It works for any endeavor and regardless of how insignificant your errand is, Hashem always wants you to turn to Him for literally everything, no matter how minor.

Some of my kids and I have said the following before embarking on a trip to the grocery store, buying new shoes, getting a haircut, or preparing for a child's bar mitzvah.

​And while there are never any guarantees, we've found that this little prayer seems to smooth out potential wrinkles and add extra assistance.

Sure, you might be thinking, "Seriously? 'God of Truth, grant me blessing and success...for I trusted in You that You'll send me blessing' before getting a haircut? Or going to the supermarket 'for the sake of His Name'?"

Really?

Yes! It sounds like that's overdoing it, but it's actually what Hashem wants. And it seems to work out pretty well. So go for it!

​Related Links:
Tefillah L'Hatzlacha
Tefillat HaShlah for one's children (can also be said daily until the the part in bold, which mentions that the continuation only appears in the first printing of the Shlah's siddur)
Who was the Shlah?