Please see the full article here:
First Emuna, Then Understanding

After a yet another hi-tech bug, I realized something:

Hi-tech hates boundaries.

For example, I need the newest version of Flash Player to operate a piece of software.

I'm using the software for some very good reasons religiously speaking, and not to watch action films or something like that.

Yet while it does install, I can't figure out how to enable it.

And just knowing that it needs to be manually enabled (which was not indicated anywhere during the installation process) took several days of back-and-forth to discover.

During this time, I've been in touch back-and-forth for over a week with some very nice service people online to figure out this problem, but nothing helps.

I have a feeling that something in my computer or browser is blocking Flash Player, but I have no idea what, and neither do they.

For some reason, I always find software issues to be the most exasperating, but I'm trying to put this in the frame of mind that this obstacle is better than a million dollars because everything Hashem does is for the best and He hasn't sent me a million dollars, but has sent me technological malfunctions instead, so this is excellent.

Also, I much prefer this to those destructive Grad missiles shot from Gaza.

Actually, as far as problems go, an unable-to-be-enabled Flash Player is the ideal nisayon.

So many more things are worse than being blocked from my beloved item of software, I'm grateful that this is my nisayon and not a million other things that would be worse.

And frankly, I feel petty for even gnashing my teeth about it.

Likewise, I recently paid for and downloaded another much-lauded piece of software that doesn't work on my computer, even though it worked very well for a friend of mine living in the same area.

I have a feeling that my filter is blocking it from working right, but there is nothing to do about that.

And so far, the developer is ignoring my polite requests for the guaranteed 30-day refund if I'm not completely satisfied.

And with this second software, the download itself wasn't straightforward.

​It tried forcing me to sign up for DropBox until I contacted the developer and he (or more likely, a virtual assistant pretending to be him) immediately sent me a screenshot showing a tiny box at the bottom with fine print that would allow me to side-step DropBox (even though that wasn't clear from the fine print and I couldn't have known this for sure without the developer informing me).

Hi-tech simply doesn't like boundaries. It doesn't like fences.

​Judaism loves fences.

Judaism insists on fences and strongly encourages fences even when it doesn't insist.

But hi-tech loathes fences of any kind.

For example, if you turn off cookies, a whole array of options shuts down.

If you're not signed into Google Apps, you're blocked access to certain applications.

If you try to use a program to hide your identity, your computer often slows down.

In other instances, you get duped into clicking a box to sign up for yet another service or to download another application when you ONLY want to download the service you've ordered—again, violating your boundaries by attempting to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do.

And some programs "punish" you for using someone else's browser (which is a fence against their browser market) by refusing to work fully or even work at all.

Furthermore, if you:

• turn off cookies to prevent spying, tracking and infiltration
• sign out of an application
• utilize a filter against pritzut
• use software against viruses
• install a security plug-in (or even the basic standard Windows Firewall)...

...then at some point, Internet technology says, "Open that gate, bub, or you're going down."

I struggle with the same love-hate relationship that many do with computer/Internet technology.

​Frequent computer crashes and Windows's Blue Screen of Death aren't in the distant past.

Yet I also experience the same "can't live with it/can't live without it" tug-of-war many others do.

But while I've struggled for years now with this love/hate, grateful/resentful relationship with hi-tech, it's only with this latest aggravation (which is better than a million dollars!) that the light bulb went on:

Hi-tech hates fences.

Hi-tech works best when you are logged in, signed up, penetrable, trackable, visible, defenseless, and wholly unprotected.

And it punishes you when you aren't.

Food for thought.

I wanted to add a bit to the previous post Saving Yourself through 20 Thank Yous a Day.

As stated, expressing gratitude to God for both the good and the bad is a tremendously powerful act on the side of good.

Some people see obvious and desirable results from doing this kind of thing, while others don't.

As described in another post, one person who listed 1000 gratitudes in 1 day received a gift of $1000 a couple of days later. (Who knew the rate of exchange at that time was a dollar per gratitude?)

Yet I knew someone else who wrote down 100 gratitudes a day for 40 days (GREAT idea!), and saw nothing from it.

So why is that 4000 gratitudes reaped no obvious reward while 1000 gratitudes did?

The truth is that the reward of the 4000 gratitudes is hidden.

For all we know, a harsh decree was hanging over the neighborhood of the 40-dayer and her 4000 gratitudes completely nullified it.

Yet how will we ever know about that?

These kinds of things are only revealed in the World to Come.

So the 1-dayer got financial payback for her 1000 while the 40-dayer received unseen payback for her 4000. (Not to mention the incredible positive effect on her soul for writing down 100 gratitudes a day for over a month -- very significant!) Perhaps she averted a decree on her community, her family, or herself.

Who knows? Only Hashem.

Just like with the story of Rebbe Akivah's daughter who took care of a poor man at her own wedding by giving him her own portion of food, and then merited to stab a viper with her hairpin -- a viper meant to kill her, yet her compassion and generosity averted this awful decree.

Yet no one knew about this until after she saw the dead viper impaled on the hairpin and then heard the explanation from Rebbe Akiva.

Had she just forgotten about her hairpin or had the hairpin been removed from the wall without dislodging the dead viper, she never would've known about the frightening death she nearly missed.

In Shamayim, there are scales (so to speak, not physical scales) of judgement.

There are national scales, community scales, personal scales...and our deeds determine which way each scale swings.

And you must know that this is absolutely true.

This means that all your gratitudes, all the items on your list, your 10 little fingers and your 10 stubby toes, everything goes on to these scales to add weight to the side of merit.

It's not arrogance to know that your good deeds have weight in Shamayim.

It's the Truth.

And if you've made a list of gratitude -- whether you did it only once or you're doing it every day -- then I am personally grateful to you.

Why?

Because we all benefit from even your smallest expression of gratitude to Hashem.

And that is just the plain Truth of it.

May we merit to have all our desires fulfilled l'tovah -- in an obviously beneficial manner.

Related links:
The Story of Rebbe Akiva's Daughter
You Don't Need to be a Tzaddik to Get Your Prayers Answered (Please scroll down to True Story #3 to see the story of $1000 for 1000 gratitudes.)

Perhaps it's a good idea to talk a bit about women's real standing in Judaism.

As usual with anything that is authentic Judaism, it's not superficial. It's more complex and contains paradox.

So with that...

There's a very interesting incident described on page 101 in Rav Yehudah Petiya's book Minchat Yehudah (written around 1933) in the chapter on Parshat Ekev. This incident occurred while the rav was still living in Baghdad.

An elderly Jewish woman came to him with the following story:

She owned millstones and had been sifting wheat during in the morning hours when she found a date among the wheat. With the purest of intentions, she made the wrong blessing (she said borei pri ha'adamah instead of borei pri ha'etz) and ate the date.

When she returned to her sifting, she suddenly dozed off and saw an old man standing before her.

"Chen, chen lach, ishah tovah!" he greeted her.

(Chen is often translated as beauty, charm, favor, or grace and the phrase "Chen, chen lah" is found in Zechariah 4:7. So this old man used a beautiful expression of gratitude by saying, "Chen, chen to you, good woman!")

And this old man continued:
"And I give you thanks because you rescued me from the suffering I was enduring, even though you did not rescue me completely."

Then he disappeared.

So Rav Petiyah explained that the soul of this old man had been reincarnated into a date. And just by this simple yet pious woman eating the date, the old man ascended two levels together. As a date, he was at the level of tzomech (plant), skipped the level of chai (animal), and went straight to chai medaber (human).

Rav Petiyah states:

(Borei pri ha'adamah blesses the "fruit of the ground" -- usually vegetables. "Borei pri ha'etz blesses the fruit of the tree.)

It's very interesting that this sincere albeit simple & unlearned elderly woman possessed the ability to completely rectify a lost soul, and even her incorrect blessing still managed to achieve near-rectification. Rectifying souls is what kabbalists on the level of Rav Petiyah do. There are famous stories of tzaddikim rectifying souls by focusing on the special profound kavanot of a blessing before biting into a fruit.

But a simple elderly lady who doesn't even know the correct blessing?

Rav Petiyah offers an astounding reason for this:

The spiritual physics here are intriguing.

Men can rectify souls only after lots of learning, mind-focus, and inner purification.

But women can rectify souls just by making a sincere blessing (even if it's the wrong one).

Even more intriguingly, the brief description in the book indicates a particularly simple old woman, a woman who owns millstones and sifts wheat, rather than crochets or embroiders or cooks and bakes like other ladies her age. She's a woman so illiterate and ignorant, she doesn't even know the correct blessing even when the blessing is obvious. (Some blessings are more complicated, like needing to say "ha'adamah" over a banana rather than "ha'etz," but a date blessing is fairly straightforward.)

Furthermore, there's also a chance that she didn't really know Hebrew. Iraqi Jews spoke a form of Judeo-Arabic, which utilized many Hebrew terms (in much the way Yiddish utilizes many Hebrew terms), but she still may not have understood the literal meaning of the all-Hebrew blessing -- which, if true, means that she couldn't have said it with basic kavanah of the literal meaning, which makes it even more incredible that just her sincerity and purity counted for so much.

Finally, unlike the tzaddikim who made specially focused blessings over food, knowing the food often possessed souls in need of rectification, this elderly Jewess had no idea about this possibility.

Yet she was a sincere and pious Jewish lady, so Hashem gave her the merit to achieve a powerful kabbalistic accomplishment without her even realizing it.

But as implied by Rav Petiyah's words above, an illiterate ignorant man could never have achieved the same thing.

Yet there are even deeper and more enlightening implications in this story.

For around a century, there has been increasing back-and-forth about women's role in Judaism, the variations of it, in comparison to men's role, how a woman's role adjusts to modern times, and so on.

Likewise, there are Jewish laws purely based on gender that either forbid or permit men or woman to do or not do certain things.

And grounded knowledgeable frum women pleasantly explain that they don't feel the need to engage in men's mitzvot, and that they're even happy they don't bear the same yoke men do. (And men presumably prefer going to a minyan 3 times a day & learning the Daf Yomi to enduring monthly cycles, pregnancy, birth, and menopause.)

Yet it's even deeper than that, according to Rav Petiyah.

For example, because women are mostly forbidden to wear tefillin, this means that women don't NEED to wear tefillin in order to achieve whatever men achieve by wearing tefillin.

In other words, WOMEN CAN ACHIEVE what men achieve WITHOUT specifically male mitzvot.

When I took a tznius class years ago, the speaker explained that a married woman covering her hair is equal to a man donning tefillin shel rosh. Covering your elbows is equal to tefillin shel yad.

Unfortunately, due to the spirit of the times, whenever people talk like this, it sounds like apologetics and patronizing appeasement, like how you try to get a child to do a "biiiiiiig mitzvah!".

(This is despite the fact that specialized photo technology has revealed special changes in the auras of women before and after covering their hair and in the auras of men before and after donning tefillin -- link at the end of the post.)

That's why I like to take sources from before these modern movements. The above story may have been published in 1930s Jerusalem, but it occurred in Baghdad much earlier. Needless to say, turn-of-the-Twentieth-Century Iraq was not a bastion of feminism, so we need not suspect that Rav Petiyah was just trying to bulk up women's egos. It's also clear that he wrote the book expecting men to read it, not women.

So we can take his words to heart in the innocence, sincerity, and wisdom with which they were intended.

There's another point here that often gets lost in the crowd.

Judaism is not a dry, intellectual collection of scholarship.

The entire point of halacha is for the SOUL.

The soul is eternal. This World is a narrow, finite, dim world of only 3-dimensions.

The real world beyond this consists of several different levels and many different dimensions imperceptible and unimaginable to us in our current state.

Our life in this world is finite, 120 years at most.

Beyond that, there is eternity.

This is why the focus needs to go deeper than feel-good or feel-contemporary academic-based arguments, even though a genuine and deeper focus becomes impossible when faced with an opposition that is agnostic at best, and immature, petty, superficial, and glory-seeking.

I want to point out that Sara Imeinu did not don tefillin nor did she undergo bris milah, wear a kippah...yet she achieved a higher level of prophecy than Avraham Avinu and merited to speak directly to angels.

Chana was never and could never be counted in a minyan or lead prayers as chazzan, yet she merited to be the model of prayer for all generations and produced Shmuel Hanavi, who was only second to Moshe Rabbeinu (H/T to informed reader Bracha), achieving more than her illustrious husband, Elkanah. Also, it's interesting to point out that Chana initially achieved the level she did without performing the traditional women's mitzvot connected to giving birth, nursing, and Jewish child-rearing.

Furthermore, holy women achieve their holiness despite regularly entering into a state a spiritual tumah called niddah.

Yes, there are mitzvot traditionally considered in the male realm (like learning Chumash with commentaries), but that women are not only permitted to do, and even receive Heavenly reward for this. (As Rav Chaim Pinchas Scheinberg explained, a woman receives the reward for one who is not obligated in the mitzvah while a man receives the reward for one who is obligated in that mitzvah.)

But as stated above, there are also gender-based prohibitions for both men and women. Those who transgress these prohibitions aren't doing themselves or the Jewish community any good.

Each person has been given the tools he or she needs in order to reach his or her maximum potential.

No one wants a surgeon performing surgery with an electric chainsaw and no one wants logs cut with a scalpel.

You need the tools meant for YOU.

And you'll find your personal tools within your gender, personality, innate character traits, state of health, life situation, culture, and much more.

Hashem is Perfectly Just and has the spiritual physics set up exactly right for each person, regardless of gender, to achieve whatever potential Hashem has set for him or her.

It's not about women "settling" for second place or being second-best.

It's about women resisting the pressure to expend the time, mental gymnastics, money, and sweat to go digging for gold among rocks in a distant place when she has a field sown with diamonds in her own backyard.

Rav Yehudah Petiyah (also spelled Fatiyah) was born in Bagdad in 1859 and passed away in Jerusalem in 1942. He was humble and deeply compassionate Jew of tremendous spiritual stature and abilities. To learn more about him and his book Minchat Yehudah, please start here:
Minchat Yehudah Part I: Teshuvah & What Happens After You Die

For a good explanation and photos of the auras of Jewish men before and after tefillin and Jewish women before and after hair-covering, please see:
The Human Aura (may it be a zechut & an ilui neshama for Menachem ben Reuven -- formerly, I had him identified by his mother's name as per Sefardi minhag, but thank you to Neshama who reminded me that Ashkenazi minhag is different, and thank you to Stella for going out of her way to supply his father's name)

Please click on WOMEN to read more about the holy Jewish women mentioned above.
________________
P.S. Regarding the feminist tides against Torah Judaism: There is a lot more to say, like how some of the leading feminist rabble rebelling against Jewish tradition don't even believe in God, so what do they care about Torah and mitzvot and where women pray and how? They are obviously disreputable hypocrites and rapacious autocrats, may Hashem have mercy and atone for us all.

For much of my life, I thought as other people do:
If you don't mention the negative aspects of a thing, then you're just not being "honest" or telling the "whole" story.

When you mention positive qualities without acknowledging faults, you are considered "Pollyannish" or to be wearing rose-colored classed. "Overly idealistic" or "romanticizing" or "being sentimental" or "covering up" are other terms that come to mind.

However, the opposite -- focusing on negatives without mentioning positives -- is often not considered "dishonest."

Sure, if you mention only negatives, others might consider you negative or cynical -- but usually only if you overdo it or express negativity toward ideas or things the other person likes.

Isn't it interesting that honesty and completeness depend on revealing the negatives?

Yet focusing on positive aspects doesn't mean that you don't see the faults. It doesn't even mean you are denying or trying to cover up faults.

For example, if someone pens an article on how Judaism (NOT ignorant or snobby Jews, but authentic Judaism) views baalei teshuvah or gerim, not much time goes by before someone feels compelled to write in (often hotly and bitterly) about their negative experiences as a baal teshuvah or a ger (despite the fact that wasn't the topic of the original article) or misquoting/misunderstanding Sagely statements taken out of context. This is often accompanied by accusations of "whitewashing things" and not portraying things as they really are, and so on.

At the same time, baalei teshuvah or gerim with mostly positive experiences will be dismissed by nay-sayers as being blind, brainwashed, or dishonest.

But why?

Why do negative aspects trump positive aspects?

Why are negative aspects the determining factor of truth?

I'll give you another example.

I read an article about the baby of a white Jewish mother and a black non-Jewish father who was adopted by a frum family.

The child was welcomed into the community and according to him and his family, never experienced racism.

Of course, an angry letter appeared in response, declaring that racism was a problem in the frum community and insinuating that something dishonest and disingenuous was going on with the way the writer presented the story.

Unfortunately and shamefully, there is racism against frum black Jews by some frum-looking Jews.

However, the article wasn't about racism in the frum community.  It wasn't about racism at all.

The article was about this particular young man in this particular community, with a focus on adoption and loving an adopted child as much as your biological children, plus the experience of a biracial family.

Yet because the child had never experienced racism in his community, this angered someone because it seemed "dishonest."

(Also, in her excellent book, My Sister the Jew, Ahuvah Gray writes that while she knows some black Jews experience racism, she personally never had -- at least at the time of that writing).

So it is not a given that a black Jew will experience discrimination in his or her community, and it is neither denial nor dishonesty to say this.

In contrast, I've read articles by frum Jews condemning racism in the frum community (and rightly so), accompanied by painful stories...WITHOUT even mentioning the non-racists. Meaning, they don't mention the positive experiences or the good people at all. (Or they devote only one sentence to the good people as an aside.)

Yet regarding the lack of positive mentions, who writes in to say: "Hey, you're covering things up! You're not telling the whole story! You're not being honest!"?

To be fair, articles of condemnation are written by caring Jews who are passionate for world that is more just and compassionate, and this is their way of trying to facilitate that better world. Also, they sometimes include statements of Chazal against racist behavior to show that such behavior is against the Torah, so that's a plus.

But the point is that in the non-Jewish world, the proof of honesty and truth is acknowledging the bad.

In Judaism, it's exactly the opposite.

As I was reading Torah commentaries and classic mussar books, it kept smacking me in the face that these Torah greats insisted on mentioning the positives -- even of people whom we have no halachic obligation to judge favorably!

Whether you have the Or Hachaim explaining Hagar's poor behavior toward Sara Imeinu more as an innocent misinterpretation of Jewish Law (rather than just plain bad middot) or the Kli Yakar describing King Achashverosh's appallingly blasphemous and brazen behavior as "karov l'shogeg" ("close to being an accidental sinner") even as the Kli Yakar asserts that Achashverosh was indeed a rasha (a wicked intentional sinner), our Sages never stop seeing the light in the darkness.

(This doesn't even begin to cover their portrayal of our Torah greats in Tanach, even as they point out -- only l'toelet, purely as a teaching moment for our benefit -- the few things they did wrong, albeit with the best of intentions.) 

I found this particularly fascinating because in "real" life, the greatest minds throughout history tend to be cynical, negative, and even misanthropic and suicidal (and many were immoral to boot).

So I was transfixed by these Sages who possessed even greater minds than Einstein and still viewed people with such an ayin tovah, a good eye.

Even when issuing a stern rebuke, the Sage usually ends with something like, "this sin is done out of ignorance, may Hashem help us and atone for our sins" -- i.e., judging them favorably and then wishing them well. Oh, and OUR sins? Nice of the tzaddik to include himself among us sinners!

How's that for humble?

The lesson learned from Chazal approach is that focusing on the positive isn't whitewashing (unless you really are doing it to cover up bad stuff and deceive people).

In reality, refusing to acknowledge the positives is (usually) the real dishonesty and refusal to tell the whole story.

If it's inappropriate, I'm not saying that we should only talk about the positive and pretend that things are wonderful and perfect when they're not.

In order to fix problems, we need to see them.

In order to heal an illness, we need to look at the tumor or cells or germs.

But the hyperfocus on what's wrong is often a problem.

(This is why, for example, many doctors arrogantly state when a life will end upon the diagnosis of a serious illness. Looking at the illness to diagnose is fine, but hyperfocusing on everything that's wrong to the point that the doctor condemns the patient to a shortened life borders on evil. And many doctors do this with pregnancy too, which ends the life of the unborn baby.)

Furthermore, harping on what's wrong is usually not the way to fix things.

It's sort of like being stuck in the cleft of a mountain and emphasizing the impossible height to scale and the slickness of the walls while ignoring the rock-climbing equipment in your backpack.

How are you supposed to climb out if you only focus on the impossible height and the sheerness of the cleft?

Yes, you need to acknowledge the negatives so that you can set up your equipment and prepare yourself accordingly.

But that's it. Just what you need to know to figure things out.

Dwelling on the negatives any more than that can be suicidal.

Related link:
The Kli Yakar on King Achashverosh (Feel free to scroll down a little over halfway until you get to The Mountain of Sludge and start reading from there to see the Kli Yakar's idea)

Basically, this verse is meant to be a far-reaching call for public praise of God.

And seeing as I kept running into spiders all last week, including one chillingly enormous one, and now this cute little gecko, I'm getting the message.

Please bear with me as I do my best to clang those cymbals.

When someone is going through a very hard time, feeling spiritually stuck, and not getting some very understandable desires fulfilled, and then asked advice from Rav Shalom Arush, I've heard that he has advised them to write down 20 things for which they're grateful...including the nisayon that is plaguing them so much.

I found it interesting that he didn't tell very stuck people to express gratitude for 10 minutes, but instead recommended a list, which can be finished in a minute or two.

It just goes to show you that he understands different people and what they're dealing with. It takes tremendous wisdom to be able to relate to and advise people where they're currently at, even if it means watering things down until to the bare minimum, just to make it manageable.

Yet for people who are feeling very stuck and bitter, even 20 things seems like too much. Furthermore, it's admittedly painful to include the very thing you desire.

However, we know that Chazal is unanimous in the fact that Hashem only does what's best for us, even if a particular event causes us a lot of anguish or confusion. Hashem takes everything into account, including past-life events and much much more.

Fortunately, Hashem doesn't necessarily expect us to feel grateful for a painful nisayon.

It's perfectly acceptable to say something like, "Hashem, I have no clue how this can possibly be good in any way, but because they say everything You do is somehow good, I thank You for it anyway, even though it's killing me."

That's actual a huge expression of emuna, depending on where you're coming from. If it's a very, very painful or traumatic or aggravating nisayon that's wrecking your life, then it is extremely powerful to thank Hashem for it.

I've done this literally in tears a few times, so I can empathize if you find expressing this kind of gratitude emotionally excruciating.

To make things even more challenging, sometimes (NOT always) the situation gets worse and then it gets better -- even miraculously better. The key is to keep up the 20 gratitudes a day, even if things get worse.

It's one of these things that the harder it is to do, the more powerful it is, and the more blessing and merit you reap from doing it -- and not just for yourself, but for the whole world.

So what's one way to complete the 20 gratitudes when you are stuck in a low, bitter, dark place?

Well, you can count all your fingers and toes.

Seriously. I've done it.

You say (or write down): "You are so Great, God. Thank You for my right pinky finger, my left pinky finger, my right ring finger, my left ring finger...my third right toe, my third left toe..." And so on.

Now I realize that some people, may Hashem have mercy, lack a toe or a finger. In that case, one can replace it with another limb or organ. For example, "You are so Great, God. Thank You for my left eye and for my right eye. Thank You for saliva. Thank You for my liver. Thank You for my tongue."

And somewhere in that list of 20, you add in your nisayon.

For example, "You are so Great, God. Thank You for my right thumb, thank You for my left thumb, thank You for this heartbreaking nisayon of:

• not having children
• finding myself in such a soul-destroying marriage
• losing so much money
• not having a job
• being raised by such dysfunctional narcissists
• being ill for so long
• [whatever your particular nisayon is]"

Again, if it's something that causes you a lot of anguish, even a robotic expression of gratitude is likely to be very difficult.

Yet many people have seen a real sweetening of judgement by doing the above, and even getting their prayers answered in the way they wanted.

Having said that, there are no guarantees. There's no way to know your past-life deeds or your soul's mission and what Hashem has determined as best for you and what He sees you as needing to accomplish in this lifetime.

But at the same time, expressing gratitude is one of the most powerful and conducive acts you could ever perform to fulfill your prayers.

In other words, expressing 20 gratitudes a day is your best bet for fulfilling your heart's desire, even though are no guarantees.

Nonetheless, it is your BEST chance.

Of course, you can also leave out the nisayon and just stick with your 10 toes and 10 fingers.

But the main thing is to just do the daily 20.

Even if you're feeling stuck, angry at Hashem, overwhelmed, traumatized, disconnected, or dead inside, if you could just somehow force yourself to write down (or say out loud) the 20, then that has the best chance of helping.

And if you do it, but you don't perceive a difference in yourself or your life?

Then you still haven't lost anything; you've only gained.

You've still provided a lot of merit and blessing for both yourself and others that you will see the fruits of one day.
___________
May Mashiach come & may Hashem put an end to all our suffering.

For stories of others who were saved by saying thank You:
First Emuna, Then Understanding
Garden of Miracles
Thanking Hashem for Our Troubles
It Hurts, But Thanks!

Israeli Jews are notorious for putting themselves down when talking about themselves as a nationality. They think they're nothing special, and that any national (i.e. Jewish) qualities they possess are simply quirks or qualities that everyone possesses and expresses.

And what's highly amusing (yet also kind of sad, if you think about it) is that whenever they behave in a way that others consider exceptionally good, the Israelis are dumbfounded and can't wrap their mind around the fact that they did anything special.

They always insist that they were just going by instinct and refuse to accept the fact that others might not respond as generously.

For example...

For example, a completely secular Israeli university student named Asaf told my husband and me about his post-army trip to India.

He found himself at a tourist hostel with a group of fellow Israelis he'd never met before. Most of the Israeli group members were strangers to each other.

And the tourist hostel hosted other such groups from different countries.

Suddenly, one of the Israeli girls cried out, "My passport is gone! And so is all my money!" After some investigation and a search, both she and her fellow Israelis concluded that her stuff had been stolen.

As she was literally in tears, all the Israelis automatically got together and pooled whatever money they could afford to donate so that she could get to an Israeli consulate and get a new passport, and so on.

Two members of a British group who witnessed the episode approached Asaf and said something like, "You guys are incredible."

Frowning, Asaf said, "Why?"

The British blokes explained, "Because we never would've done it. We never would've pooled our money together like that."

Dumbfounded, Asaf said, "But why not? How else would she manage? How could you not help her?"

They just shook their heads.

"Really?" said Asaf. "But how could you not?"

"We would've felt really bad for her and all that," they explained. "We would've sympathized. But pool our money like that? No way. It's unfortunate, but it's her problem, not ours."

As Asaf finished his story, he looked at us and said, "Do you think that's true? Do you think they really wouldn't have done that? None of us thought about it twice. It just came naturally. Why wouldn't they help her like that? And how could they not?"

Even after all that time, Asaf still seemed flabbergasted by the contrast in attitude and didn't know what to make of it.

After all, it went against all his secular humanist indoctrination.

Asaf had no clue that he and his fellow Israeli wanderers actually possess a very strong pintele Yid — a Jewish spark.

They clearly have great souls that even cloaked under the klippah of State-induced secularism and Indian tumah, still managed to be expressed beautifully when faced with the opportunity. 

(This is one reason why Tehillim and other Torah sources compare the Jewish people to olives, that when squeezed, express their highest and richest qualities as a golden flavorful oil rich with special properties. When Asaf and his fellow Israelis were "squeezed," the beautiful oil flowed out.)

My son recently made a trip with friends to Bulgaria.

(And no, I did not like this at all.)

Interestingly, the Bulgarians (taxi drivers, merchants, etc) kept trying to overcharge them, but when my son and his friends protested against the price-raising, the Bulgarians said, "But Israelis have lots of money! You guys are very smart, so you must have lots of money!"

When my son and his friends tried to explain the truth about the Israeli economy and the vast majority of Israeli finances, the Bulgarians just laughed at them and said, "No, we know the truth! Don't try fooling us! You Israelis have lots of money!"

That's so weird, right?

Since when do Israelis have lots of money? And even if they do, why overcharge them on purpose?

Probably, it's a variation on the "Jews-are-cunning-Jews-are-rich-bloodsuckers" theme.

Also, no matter how hard my son tried to pretend he was a different nationality (he tried posing as an American and also as an Arab, being that he can speak English well and also Arabic a bit with a good accent), yet the Bulgarians were never fooled and just laughed and told him, "We know you're Israeli!"

(It must be my son's beautiful Jewish chen shining through...😉

Anyway, at the Bulgarian airport to fly back to Israel, another trio of young Israelis arrived with too much baggage due to having bought a foldable kayak and stuff.

Upon joining the Israeli crowd, they just asked who had extra room in their suitcases to help them get their stuff back to Israel without paying overweight.

My son and his friends immediately volunteered, and the sorting was done.

The punchline is that this Israeli trio bought too much stuff KNOWING that they could count on their fellow Israelis to help them out before boarding!

They didn't bother trying to plan or arrange for assistance beforehand because they trusted in their certainty that their compatriots would lend them a hand (or a suitcase, as the case may be).

Also, their trust is interesting because once they all arrived in Israeli, it meant that they needed to trust my son and his friends to open their suitcases and get all the stuff back to the rightful owners before heading out of the airport.

Theoretically, all their trusted helpers could make off with their stuff.

But they knew that wouldn't happened—and it didn't.

Furthermore, no one on either side took into account the inconvenience of opening the suitcases, arranging the stuff inside, struggling to close it, and then repeating this process again back in Israel.

My son and his friends were happy to do it and the trio was happy and grateful that they did it, knowing that they would've done the same had situations been reversed.

Having said that, of course we all know there are Jewish criminals and Jewish stinkers.

Likewise, there are also non-Jewish people who would also respond generously in the above situations.

But there is a certain amount of trust, generosity of spirit, and good will that can't be denied, and because they live in a predominantly Jewish society, Jews themselves born & raised in Eretz Yisrael don't appreciate these qualities as special or exceptional.

(Just as another popular example: Look at how both frum and secular Jews travel around and assume — correctly — that if they get stuck in some way, they can just contact the local Chabad, no problem.)

I realize that, particularly with the frum publications, there exists suffocating emphasis on our very real flaws.

Frum Jews are some of the most self-critical people you'll ever meet.

But really, the best way to conquer our negative qualities is by sowing and strengthening our good qualities.

The only way to fight darkness is with LIGHT.

Yishtabach Shemo, despite all our foibles, failings, confusion, and weariness, Hashem's Light still shines through our neshamahs.

For more examples of radiant Jews, please see:
There is None like You, O Yisrael; Ein K'amcha Yisrael
The Stunning Greatness of a Regular Jew: Leah
Despite All the Grumbles, There's No Place like Home

In Garden of Emuna, Rav Arush tells the true story of two brothers.

One had become superfrum and was doing everything l'mehadrin. Yet he kept getting hit with one difficulty after another. In other words, his life was a big unpleasant mess. He was understandably bitter and resentful at being "punished" after investing so much in doing what he understood to be God's Will.

To compound things, he had a secular brother who was regularly talking to and thanking Hashem, and generally a cheerful guy, for whom life was going swimmingly. Money was rolling in, he was healthy, life was good.

So the frum brother wanted Rav Arush to explain what was going on.

Rav Arush explained that the secular brother had an emuna outlook, even if he wasn't actualizing it through all the mitzvot right now. But he would definitely get there, he would definitely become a wholly committed Jew.

Conversely, the superfrum brother constantly complained. Yes, things were indeed difficult, but he was serving Hashem with no joy and not expressing any gratitude for what Hashem had given him; life wasn't ALL bad.

The superfrum brother's bitterness and ingratitude was actually heaping judgement on him.

Rav Arush compared it to 2 kinds of cars. (I can't find the place in the book where he wrote this, so I hope I get it right!):

The secular brother was an old rundown car chugging along, but he was chugging along in the right direction. Eventually, he'll make it to the right destination, even if it takes time and breakdowns to get there.

The superfrum brother symbolized a shiny new model of car, but one which was zooming directly toward the wrong goal. Despite his superior shape and automation, he was actually moving very fast in the opposite direction of the correct goal, and hence had no chance of making it to the right destination (unless he decided to change course immediately).

Food for thought.

A few months ago, Breslov Israel put up a video (can't find it now) of a guy who'd recently joined the Chut Shel Chessed Yeshivah in Jerusalem.

Until then, he'd been a night club owner in Eilat. In fact, he owned several night clubs, all opened on Shabbat and all facilitating all the transgressions associated with such a lifestyle.

Anyway, due to a car accident in which a book of Tehillim he "coincidentally" had in his car fell open on his chest to a certain perek that really spoke to him, this young man started talking to God.

In fact, he took his Mercedes up into the nearby rocky hills to speak with Hashem without knowing that this was called hitbodedut or anything like that. He'd spend an hour or more there, just talking to Hashem about his needs and thanking him for all the success with the clubs.

The funny side to this was that the police grew suspicious upon seeing a Mercedes in an abandoned area and kept coming to arrest him for what they were sure was illicit behavior like drugs, etc. After several times, they were like, "Oh, gosh. You AGAIN?"

Anyway, this young man started to be astounded at the exactness with which Hashem would answer him. If he needed his clubs to make an extra 150 shekels to cover expenses, then he would somehow receive exactly 150 shekels. And this kind of preciseness kept up.

Anyway, he kept on like this until he couldn't stand his lifestyle any longer. He sold the clubs (which made his family and partners think he was nuts because he was raking in tons of money) and when 2 Breslover emissaries showed up (I think one of them teaches at my son's school), he went with them to Chut Shel Chessed.

The video was only 20 minutes and when I got to the end, I realized that the guy was actually not remotely mitzvah observant until the end. Meaning, he was going up to the rocky hills and doing hitbodedut and asking for success with his night clubs that were open on Shabbat and hosted lots of other sinful activities.

And he was reaping success!

I listened to the whole thing again and sure enough, this guy was not remotely frum at that time he was cultivating this really intense relationship with Hashem.

How can this be?

Because by working from the inside-out, you'll eventually get where you need to go.

Then I recalled my own experience with this.

In an earlier post, I wrote about how I found myself at age 16 on New Year's Eve and no party to go to. Feeling depressed and pathetic, I turned to this English book of Psalms I'd found on my parents' bookshelves in the TV room. I had no clue you're supposed to say Tehillim by the chapter and instead just jumped around, reading whatever verses appealed to me and fit my mood the most.

My mood started lifting.

Then the telephone rang and a friend of mine invited me to go to a party.

I was thrilled -- more that Hashem had answered my unspoken prayer than about the party, although I was excited about the party too. Fortunately, it was a really lame gathering and basically dampened any enthusiasm for New Year's parties in general ever since. (And just for knowing, I've long since stopped celebrating the Julian New Year for years now.)

Rabbi Wallerstein also spoke of fighting his gambling addiction when he hit bottom and stood to lose everything. He begged Hashem to just let him win big one more time, and then he'd never go to a casino again. He even quipped "Poor God!" because as he explained it, "I -- nebbuch -- shlepped the Shechinah into the casino."

But in His Great Mercy and Forbearance, Hashem let Rabbi Wallerstein win enough to cover all his debts.

(And then a month later, he was back in the casino. But Hashem was still with him and orchestrated things so that Rabbi Wallerstein picked up a copy of Kav Hayashar, which said scary things about gambling and scary things in general, and that got Rabbi Wallerstein to break his addiction. Phew! Yishtabach Shemo!)

So what's the lesson here?

These types of stories, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender's mussar, and my own experiences have convinced me that the only and best way to help people is to get them to start talking to Hashem as their One True Best Friend who always loves them no matter what.

In her book, Turn Around, Rebbetzin Orit Esther Reiter even recommends sitting down with a cup of coffee to start talking to Hashem the way you would with a good friend.

Rav Shalom Arush recommends starting off with 20 minutes of gratitude and thanking, then 20 minutes of confession and saying what you feel bad about, then 20 minutes of requests. (You can also cut this down or play around with the ratios if you find 20/20/20 overwhelming at first.)

However you manage it, I just see that at some point, people get stuck if the relationship isn't there.

I got stuck myself at one point. (Actually, more than just once.)

And that makes sense.

I mean, after all, what's the point of being a frum atheist?

But in addition to frum people, people who are very assimilated need to start developing this relationship with Hashem.

As the surrounding Western cultures become more bizarre and unhealthy, it can be much harder to speak to people who are totally assimilated.

In fact, I remember myself at the beginning of my Torah journey and there were things I just couldn't understand that I both understand and embrace now.

I honestly see it as being in completely different dimension.

So it's important to realize that Hashem loves you and cares about you and wants a relationship with you, regardless of what kind of person you are now and what you've done.

Just the fact that you're reaching out to him in your own words reaps huge changes, whether you immediately perceive them or not.
____________

Related links:
Turn Around: 180 Degrees in 180 Days by Orit Esther Riter
Daily Dose of Emuna
The Theory of Absolute (one of several times Rabbi Wallerstein tells his story of gambling addiction and exit, his story starts at around 15 minutes)
Torah Perspectives on Addiction (one of several talks Rabbi Wallerstein has given on his prior addiction and lessons learned)
What is the Main Purpose of Your Existence?
Books that Changed My Life: Tehillim (this is the full story of that New Year's Eve and how I even knew about Tehillim in the first place)

In his inspiring book, Ahavat Kedumim (A Commentary on The Lost Princess), Rav Ofer Erez, explains how to acquire bitachon -- trust in God.
(Or, as Rav Avigdor Miller summed it up in one sentence: "Bitachon means to say that Hashem knows what's best for us -- that's all." Tape E-216, December 1999.)

(The following applies to the part of this profoundly allegorical story in which the giant appointed over the winds gifts the viceroy a magic vessel that contains unlimited funds; this "magic" vessel symbolizes bitchon.)

Building bitachon is a life-long process, but whatever progress you can manage is really, really good and these 3 steps can give you concrete tools on how to advance in this area.

On pages 244-250, Rav Erez explains how bitachon is built from 3 steps:

• Step 1: Accepting that everything is orchestrated by Hashem using precise individual supervision, with this acceptance ideally leading a person to accept even challenging events with humility and submission.

Note: Humility and submission to human beings is negative. It leads to co-dependence and masochism. But with Hashem, it only leads to personal greatness and a sweetening of judgement (even if that personal greatness and sweetening are not yet perceivable).

• Step 2: Accepting that everything is for our benefit, with this acceptance ideally leading us to accept events with love and gratitude.

Note: This is very, very difficult when going through an agonizing experience. People who've been through very painful episodes in life may even feel outraged when faced with this concept. That's normal and the only book I know that addresses this issue head-on is Garden of Emuna, with Garden of Gratitude as its follow-up for this topic. Likewise, it's also perfectly normal to have ups and downs, veering between feeling outraged or resentful and feeling accepting & grateful.

• Step 3: Accepting events with joy by knowing there is no "bad" in the world; everything is a message from Hashem to come closer to Him.

Note: Obviously, there ARE events we perceive as bad or appalling or tragic. Likewise, Judaism does not have us hold a party when someone dies, but insists on a week of intense mourning, followed by another 3 weeks of mourning, with Tisha B'Av as an entire day of national mourning and grief. At the same time, there is a concept in Chazal that in the World to Come, the blessing we currently make over good things (Baruch Hatov v'Hameitiv), will be made over the bad things too because in the light of Truth, we'll see clearly how even the harsh and heartrending events were really for our benefit.

This is yet another example of paradox in Judaism, and one with which many people understandably struggle.

Rav Erez goes on to say:

(Naturally, when saying it yourself, you can replace "Abba" with "Daddy" or "Tatty" or "Papa.")

And again, it's perfectly normal to achieve this level for one moment, then feel discouraged or bitter an hour later, and then to reach this level a couple of hours or moments after that.

It can even be a roller-coaster ride of days, weeks, or years.

This is the challenge and spirit of our generation.

The main thing is to at least try at whatever level you're on.

Depending on what each person has suffered in life and depending on individual personalities, some people find this much more difficult than others. That's normal.

The main thing is just to try.
___________

Related links:
Rav Ofer Erez in English
For more about the phenomena of spiritually and emotionally soaring and plummeting, even several times within a day, please see his series on Spiritual Bipolar Disorder.
Garden of Emuna (for Jews)
The Universal Garden of Emuna (non-denominational for non-Jews)
Note: I have not personally read this book, but recommend it on the strength of Rav Arush's other books, which I have read and found exceptional.
Garden of Gratitude
Note: This book is amazing, but if I hadn't read Garden of Emuna first, I would've found Garden of Gratitude too "strong" and not gotten out of it what I should. But everyone's different, so go with whatever you perceive as best for you.

In his wonderful book, Ahavat Kedumim (A Commentary on The Lost Princess), Rav Ofer Erez discusses a concept you've likely heard of: the 4 Elements and how they affect you.

This is a way to understand your nature, what's motivating you, and how to cultivate the positive expressions of some pretty negative roots.

In other words, Rav Erez's description of this system leads to greater self-awareness and shows how you can use this knowledge for self-transformation, to get from Point A to Point B.

The 4 elements are:

• fire
• air
• water
• earth

If you can manage the Hebrew (or if the book hopefully gets translated into the language of your choice), the discussion is found on pages 85-86 and is connected to the part of the story in which the hapless viceroy finds himself in the Palace of the "Not Good."

Each element possesses a negative root, which can then be transformed into a force for goodness and holiness.

Rav Ofer Erez also points out that each person possesses different quantities and arrangements of these 4 elements.

For example, one person may be heavy with "fire" and light with the rest. Another person may find themselves heavy with "fire" and "air," light on "water," while "earth" is nearly non-existent. Others may feel they're equally comprised of all 4 elements while another may feel that one or 2 elements stand out, but there is actually a third element setting the foundation for the others.

And so on.

So with that, here they are:

Root: Arrogance & anger

Positive expression: "Tov l'hodot l'Hashem -- It's good to thank Hashem."

• Emuna
• Optimism
• Humility
• Bitachon (trust in God)
• Seeing the good in everything
• Being happy with what one has
• Investing spiritual efforts with enthusiasm
• Wisdom combined with healthy logic
• Interpreting reality correctly

Root: Corrupted speech

Positive expression: "V'amcha kulam tzaddikim -- And Your Nation is comprised entirely of righteous people."

• Giving the benefit of the doubt
• Compassion
• Loyalty
• Listening
• Accepting others as they really are
• Precision (diyuk; I think this means avoiding statements of exaggeration and melodrama)
• Minimizing the amount of talking one engages in
• Holy speech for the sake of Am Yisrael
• The power of tefillah
• The power of private discussions with Hashem (hitbodedut)
• Wisdom emanating from a higher awareness that arrives on its own

Root: Earthly pleasures & envy

Positive expression: "Lev basar -- a heart of flesh," "Lev tahor bara li Elokim -- "O Lord, create within me a pure heart."

• Love
• Caring
• Warmth
• Protectiveness
• Innocence
• Giving of oneself
• Doing things for others
• Being satisfied with little
• Spiritual pleasure
• Love of learning
• The ability to delve deeply into practical knowledge
• Taking an interest in all subject matters

Root: Indolence, laziness, heaviness

Positive expression: "L'hiot b'simcha tamid -- to always be in a state of joy."

• Joy
• Happiness
• Energy
• Vitality
• Nimbleness
• Reassurance
• Yielding (vatranut)
• The ability to rejoice
• The ability to become healed
• The ability to recover good health
• The ability to cause others to blossom
• The ability to revitalize others
• Stability
• Perseverance
• Alacrity in both practical and spiritual matters
• Emotional intelligence
• A high level of psychological wisdom
• Awareness of others' psychological state

You can muse over the above in your head, use it in a freewrite or mind map, or paint it out, and talk it over with Hashem (or all of the above).

Another valuable insight this provides is it demonstrates how hard it is to give advice and find the right kind of adviser. A person working on her "fire" aspect can easily give the wrong advice and direction to someone who desperately needs to focus on her "water" aspect.

As another example, we see that in its highest form, the "earth" aspect is a kind of spiritual coach who facilitates healing and growth in others, while the "air" aspect is very interactive, listening and speaking constructively either with people or with Hashem.

Both the adviser and the one receiving the advice need to be aware of well-meaning yet misleading guidance.

Having said, it's certainly true that everyone needs to work on, say, the trait of humility. But a "fire" personality will face a different and thornier struggle than the "earth" personality.

Conversely, everyone needs to work on the trait of zerizut (doing good things with alacrity and not wasting time), but the zerizut-challenged "earth" personality will face a different and thornier struggle than that of the "fire" personality, who is already zariz, but simply needs to infuse the zerizut with enthusiasm and gratitude rather than self-righteousness and anger.
_________________
May we all succeed in completing our tikkun in this lifetime without trials or humiliations.

Related links:
Rav Ofer Erez in English