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What Yiftach's Challenge Teaches Us about Our Own Challenges & How to Respond in the Best Way Possible

30/6/2020

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A recurring theme streaming throughout Tanach is the tremendous dedication to Am Yisrael demonstrated by even those rejected by Am Yisrael.

We see this with David Hamelech, Moshe Rabbeinu, Yosef Hatzaddik, Yirmiyahu HaNavi, Yiftach HaGiladi (Jephte of Gilad) and more.

Let's look at the saga of Yiftach (Shoftim/Judges 11:1-12:7), which also features in the Haftarah for Parshat Chukat.

Yiftach, like some other people in Tanach, did not start out from such noble stock.

Like Gidon, he was born into one of the smallest & least prestigious of the Tribes: Menashe.

Furthermore, his mother's status (which influences Yiftach's status) lacks propriety.

The Torah uses a term for her which could mean that she was a pundakeet (a woman who runs an inn — and while not forbidden, it's not a proper job for a bat Melech), or that she married out of her Tribe (again, not forbidden, but not the proper thing to do either), or that she was simply Gilad's pilegesh (concubine) — a woman permitted to him & faithful to him, but who is involved with him without the benefit of Kiddushin (marriage).

The truth is, none of these theories contradict each other, so she could have been all three.

Anyway, Yiftach's father, Gilad, also had an official wife. (I don't know whether Gilad's relationship with Yiftach's mother occurred before Gilad's proper marriage or during, though it sounds like before.)

At one point, Yiftach's half-brothers (from Gilad & Gilad's official wife) decided to banish Yiftach from their entire community.

Declaring they didn't want Yiftach inheriting with them from Gilad, they chased him out by force.

And the elders of that area supported the actions of Yiftach's half-brothers. 

Let's stop here for a moment and examine what happened to Yiftach here.

Yiftach's Traumatic Experience

According to halacha, Yiftach had every right to inherit his father.

After all, the son of a pilegesh is still a son.

The pilegesh is wholly faithful to her man; there is no doubt as to who is the father of her child.

Yet even if the Yiftach's half-brothers didn't know this halacha, the elders certainly did!

Furthermore, the half-brothers chased out Yiftach with a great deal of force, say the commentaries. Described as a gibbur chayil later chosen to lead the battle against the powerful Ammonites, Yiftach must have been both physically imposing and a skillful combatant. 

I don't know whether he physically fought back against his half-brothers, but the commentaries say they chased him out aggressively (maybe they took a strong offensive due to his size & skill, even if he didn't end up fighting back).

This is very serious because you have extremely aggressive and halachically wrong actions...supported by not only by Yiftach's own Tribe — but by the elders of his own community within that Tribe (which was also called Gilad, like his father).

And Yiftach was all on his own. He had no other full sibling, nor do the text or commentaries mention other family members.

This all sounds profoundly traumatic.

Where Yiftach Crosses the Line from Good into Great

And indeed, Yiftach ends up in a land called "Tov," where he hangs out with do-nothings.

But he also ends up as their leader; they willingly follow him.

And he apparently enjoys the good life in the land of Tov.

Yet Yiftach's physical prowess & charisma don't go unnoticed by his Tribe.

At one point, the same elders of Gilad make their way to the land of Tov and approach Yiftach with an offer: They want him to fight the powerful Ammonite nation on their behalf.

​They immediately offer him chiefdom before even stating their request.

But Yiftach reminds them how they hate him and drove him out from his father's house:

"And why have you come to me now when you're in distress?" 

The elders don't even try to play games with him. (You know, like, "Oh, but Yiftach our brother, YOU didn't understand...it was all a big misunderstanding!" or "Oh, are you still upset over THAT? C'mon, you're bigger than that..." or "Look, no one could be completely sure about your paternity, so you gotta understand this was the only way.")

Instead, the elders basically say, "Yeah, that IS why we've come now. Exactly. Now, come on; let's get going with this conquest."

But Yiftach has one more stipulation: If Hashem delivers the Ammonites into Yiftach's hand, Yiftach wants to be more than a military chief; he wants to be their leader.

They agree.

So Yiftach travels back with them to Gilad and he rejoins his birthplace and his people.

​And he also maintains his connection with Hashem. (He doesn't move forward without praying first.)

Why Yiftach is a Real Gibbur Chayil

The story of Yiftach continues with tremendous victory in battle & successful leadership, but also personal tragedy.

​Yet all in all, Yiftach who was an am ha'aretz of ignoble birth (and his ending is so great either), merited not only to become a Shofet, but also merited an entire chapter about him in Tanach. 

Not all the Shoftim earned more than a brief mention.

Furthermore, when he needed it for his role as Judge, ruach hakodesh rested upon him.

So what's behind the success of Yiftach, who was prioritized by Chazal as the LEAST of the Shoftim?

So it's like this:

Yiftach could have told the elders to go jump.

Yes, he could have. 

Yiftach was enjoying the good life in Tov with his band of merry men.

He didn't need to be affected by an Ammonite invasion of Menashe.

Also, if Menashe really found itself in trouble, other Tribes could come to the rescue (as they did).

Furthermore, Yiftach was a religious person. Not a scholarly one, but a religious one. (Everyone was religious back then.)

If the people merited it & Hashem wanted them to win, so they would.

Simple as that.

Finally, couldn't Yiftach gloat in the persecution of Menashe?

"Oho!" he could have said with the smuggest of smirks. "Now you're on the other side of the stick. How does it feel, eh? You know what? You had your chance. You could've stepped up to plate when I was down for the count, but you didn't. You made your bed — so go lie in it and leave me the heck alone."

And then he could have cheered on the Ammonites. ("Stick it to 'em! Yeeeeah!")

He really didn't have to care. 

Also, he was already a successful leader in Tov. What did he need the prestige of Tribal leadership for? For what did he need the responsibility of people who'd treated him so badly and seemed not to like him at all?

But not only did Yiftach did step up to bat...he performed marvelously.

He saved his Tribe and then as their leader, he was a good & honest Judge.

In other words: not one smidgen of retaliation.

He consistently behaved with goodness & fairness to the same people who had so badly hurt and rejected him.

And Yiftach was always whole with Hashem. Whether he was living as the unwanted brother in Gilad or cruising as the leader of empty-headed men in Tov or presiding over Am Yisrael as a Shofet, Yiftach held on to his emunah. 

Ultimately, Yiftach was loyal.

​Despite everything, Yiftach maintained loyalty to Hashem and thus, loyalty to his Tribe.

​He was there for them when they really needed him.

​And that's the example to learn from.

Why Yiftach was a Real Gibbur — a Real Winner

Certainly, in both halacha & Tanach, we find situations when we must be tough with others.

​But in general, we're supposed to know that Hashem is behind everything and not take stuff personally.

We are supposed to overcome our pain and do the right thing no matter what.

Rav Avigdor Miller has stressed that love of our fellows must emanate from a love of Hashem — and that's what happened with Yiftach.

The text mentions how he prayed and spoke to Hashem.

Yiftach was able to overcome his trauma and preside with good grace over the same people who'd hurt him so badly because of his emunah.

As the Pele Yoetz reiterates throughout, a rodef shalom is only made when peace flees a person and he must pursue it.

If the peace stays serenely with a person, then there is no need to pursue it and thus, such a person cannot be a pursuer of peace.

Likewise, the Pele Yoetz also asks rhetorically whether a man can be praised for his good behavior if his household is pleasant & accommodating.

If his wife, children, and household staff always behave with him pleasantly & accommodatingly, says the Pele Yoetz, then what's the big deal for him to be Mr. Nicey-Nice in return?

Where's the challenge? Of course he's nice to such nice people!

But, says the Pele Yoetz, if his wife his difficult and his family & household staff try his patience, then a man who behaves pleasantly to such people — HE deserves praise! He's the winner.

​That's real middot.

Why Yiftach's Half-Brothers & the Elders of Gilad Do NOT Reflect Badly on Am Yisrael as a Whole

Another important facet needs to be addressed here.

Unfortunately, Jew-disdainers look to magnify scenarios like the above as examples of those "bad Jews" in Tanach and why Hashem rejected the Jews (chas v'shalom) in favor of believers in the gospels.

And sometimes unthinking Jews themselves wonder what there is to be proud of when we have ancestors who behaved like Yiftach's half-brothers & the elders of Gilad.

(There's a LOT to be proud of! So many of our ancestors did magnificently wonderful things!)

So again, to reiterate the point of the Pele Yoetz: Being really nice to people who are really nice to you does NOT mean you are a nice person. 

It could mean that, but it doesn't have to.

After all, being surrounded by pleasant & accommodating people does not incite you into behaving not-nice.

Therefore, if you want to be a truly good person, then you need to behave with integrity & love in situations when you are being treated UNfairly & UNlovingly & UNpleasantly.

This means that Hashem must put you in such situations.

In other words: To be the kind of person who responds to darkness with illumination, you must be placed in a dark room.

Your light can never be seen in the brightness of the noonday sun.

In order to see your light, there needs to be darkness.

And that's why these persecutions of very good & innocent people needed to happen.

These persecutions do not reflect on Am Yisrael as a whole.

These people NEEDED for them to happen. So Hashem activated these events.

How Bar Kamtzah Not Only Missed the Boat, But Sank the Whole Ship

One final piece of food for thought:

We see that behaving with love & integrity & emunah in the face of terrible rejection is the cornerstone for true greatness and also for Mashiach (Ruth, King David, and Leah Imeinu were all terribly rejected at some point.)

But the opposite is also true.

In the infamous story of Kamtza & Bar Kamtza, Bar Kamtza found himself faced with terrible rejection & humiliation — rejection & humiliation that occurred with the seeming agreement of the great rabbis seated there.

It was a much lighter version of what happened to Yiftach and others.

Yet was was Bar Kamtzah's reaction?

SEETHING HATRED. REVENGE. RETALIATION. 

Bar Kamtzah actively sought to hurt the people who hurt him — and he involved a powerful enemy nation in order to execute his plan.

It was the exact opposite of how our greatest people responded to pain & rejection...

...and it led to the Destruction of the Second Beit Hamikdash, which still remains desolate 2000 years later.

Elevating Yourself & Your Nation (or not)

So we see here that taking the low road in response to rejection & pain leads to terrible destruction of everything we cherish most.

Yet we also see that taking the higher road in response to rejection & pain leads to the highest levels of human achievement: nevuah (prophecy), ruach kodesh (a lower level of prophecy), and Mashiach.

So we see that our response to pain, rejection, betrayal, persecution, and unfairness holds the key to our own personal greatness & National success...or not.

Related posts:
  • The Tragic Story of Kamtza & Bar Kamtzah
  • Loneliness & Rejection as Aspects of Mashiach​
  • Who is a Real Rodef Shalom?
  • The Overlooked Prophetess: Chana
  • ​The #1 Path to True Greatness & Achieving Your Absolute Best: Rejection, Isolation, and Being Quashed
  • ​What Tanach Teaches Us about Responding to Rejection & Persecution
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The Authentic Torah View of (and Advice for) a Truly Awful Person...including One who was Born that Way.

28/6/2020

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In the Pele Yoetz's chapter Character Traits/Middot, Rav Eliezer Papo addresses the personality that seems "born to be bad"— a bad seed, in other words.

He rhetorically asks what shall a "son" do if he personifies the following:
  • his middot are bad
  • the thought patterns of his very mind (dei'ot) are warped 
  • he strays from the way of good sense (seichel)
  • he says to bad: "Good" and to good, he says "Bad"...

...and to compound things, the above dynamics are perfectly "straight in his eyes."

"This is a sick evil with no cure," Rav Papo pronounces.

That sounds pretty hopeless.

Also, notice he doesn't just say it's bad. Rav Papo calls such a situation a ra'ah cholah — the ra'ah, the evil is not only evil, it's cholah — it's sick.

And it's apparently 100% incurable.

So what's a "son" to do?

(It's also interesting that he uses the word ben, "son" or "child," rather than "person" or "man." I don't know why he uses that term.)

How to Stop being Awful & Start Living

Never give up! Despite his stoic assessment, Rav Papo has some tips for such a hopelessly awful person:
​
  • He must pour out his soul 3 times a day during Shemoneh Esrei (apparently, Rav Papo also composed a special prayer for the sickly evil person to say at the appropriate point in Shemoneh Esrei)
  • He must request that Hashem rectify him with good counsel to be made whole in his middot, his mind, and in all aspects of spiritual wholeness. (In other words, he needs to complete whatever he's missing, even though it's admittedly a lot.)
  • He must do what is good & upright in the eyes of God & man.
  • He must constantly learn mussar books.
  • He must submit himself to Torah scholars.
  • He must learn from the behavior of Torah scholars.
  • He must not deviate from anything they say, no matter how it sounds to him.
  • He must not rely on his own understanding.
  • He must nullify his opinion before that of others.
  • He must nullify his desire before that of others.
  • He must utilize every last bit of strength to go against his nature.
  • He must utilize every last bit of strength to go against his way of thinking.

Finally, he must strive to actualize all of the above until he it's ingrained within him and Hashem opens his eyes to allow him to see with his eyes & understand with his heart which is the straight path.

Then he'll repent and heal.

It's important to note that Rav Papo makes no promises; he prefaces the above by saying ulai — perhaps he will be saved. Maybe.

At the same time, a person who commits to the above program is fairly certain to succeed, Rav Papo reassures us.

He reminds us that any person who comes to purify him- or herself merits assistance directly from Heaven.

Also, l'fum tza'ara agra — according to the effort you invest, that's what you'll reap.​

(It's also illuminating to learn how Shemoneh Esrei plays such a powerful role in transforming an awful person. It's clear from the Pele Yoetz that Shemoneh Esrei said with kavanah, plus the inclusion of heartfelt personal pleading at the appropriate point, is a type of segulah for one imbued with "sick evil.")

Life is Not a Monopoly Game

Rav Papo emphasizes that life is not a Monopoly game.

There is no Get Out of Gehinnom Free! card.

​He states:
It does not exempt him on the Day of Judgment by saying: "That's how my character was, that's what my mind grasped, and I couldn't resist and go beyond my character and my way of thinking."

This will not extract him from the the "hands" of transgression.

Why? 
...because anything that a man desires — he can do everything by means of toil and exertion..."man was born to toil." 

Rav Papo wraps up this short (but powerful!) chapter by reminding us that a person's entire purpose of existence is to:
  • toil in Torah
  • provide contentment (nachat ruach) to Hashem

How does this apply to us today?

The Road to Hell is Paved with Popeyes

The "I'm okay, you're okay" mentality developed in the Seventies has seeped into over 2 generations so far.

Long before that, you had Popeye the Sailorman inculcating generations of small children by singing "I yam what yam and that's all that I yam!" (I am what I am and that's all that I am.)

​In the Seventies & Eighties, blaming negative experiences & faulty upbringings excused a lot of poor behavior — including in the courtroom.

Unfortunately, many well-intentioned frum people (in a desire to give the benefit of the doubt) embraced this way of thinking and inadvertently justify unjustifiable behavior.

(Doing so is a form of chanifah, by the way; a severe Torah prohibition.)

Then came labels and that's still in vogue: narcissist, personality disorder, psychopath, sociopath, hyperactive, and so on.

​(I use these terms too, by the way, because I find them a good short-cut to conveying a certain idea. But modern pop psychology uses them to support a different agenda.)

Tremendous amounts of literature exist on whether psychopaths are born or made (some say psychopaths are born while sociopaths are made), whether narcissist personality disorder is an inherited disorder, genetic determination, and so on.

And also, there is so much discussion as to whether any of the above can be cured. (Science says it can't...although the field epigenetics is fighting against the idea of genetic determination. Epigenetics basically means that your thoughts & behavior can activate or deactivate various genes.)

But the answers were laid out in this short chapter nearly 2 centuries ago.

In other words, a person who is a narcissist or a psychopath will not be excused for their abusive behavior when standing before the Heavenly Court.

​And they're not totally hopeless either.

Either way, the "Popeye defense" will not be admissible in Court.

There is Still Room for Patience & Compassion. However...

It's important to stress that showing compassion for someone going through a hard time is not the same as justifying bad behavior.

​I think we've all encountered people who behave like a person crying & thrashing out in pain, like the emotional version of a person with a foot caught crushed in an animal trap.

That's their emotional state.

And probably we've all behaved in that way at least once ourselves.

If so, we probably remember with gratitude any people who showed us compassion while we were trapped in that state. Maybe they even helped us out of it (i.e., managed to extract our mangled foot from the crushing trap).

So if someone is going through a difficult time or if they are really struggling to work on themselves, but fail at times, then why not give them a break?

Why not give them the benefit of the doubt, along with some patience, compassion, and encouragement?

After all, no one is perfect!

However, people who consistently behave badly with little or no remorse — and have done so for most of their lives?

And furthermore, they don't even seem to know that their behavior is hurtful or wrong?

Their trail of transgressions isn't going to be swept clean.

And please note that the description of personality disorders and psycho/sociopathy is completely encompassed by Rav Papo's description of a person imbued with "sick evil." 

Evil looks good to such a person. That's what he says. Think about that for a minute.

Think about what that means & everything that implies.

And even more strangely, goodness looks BAD.

His or her very way of thinking (de'ot) is ugly; it's all warped.

And all the wrong, warped, crazy thoughts & attitudes seem perfectly upright (yashar) in the eyes of such a person.

They're the normal person (in their own mind).

They're the superior person (in their own mind).

Yet ultimately, they don't have any excuse.

Somewhere inside of them, implies the Pele Yoetz, is some type of awareness they can access and then utilize for self-improvement.

​In other words, they are still expected to try.

Toil can Make a Bitter Fate Turn Sweet

​We are doing neither victims nor their persecutors a favor by justifying halachically forbidden behavior.

If it's forbidden, then it's forbidden.

And if a person habitually indulges in such behavior, and thinks it's perfectly right while being convinced that the opposite behavior (a mitzvah) is wrong, then we certainly cannot minimize or whitewash it with platitudes like, "Oh, that's just the way she is" or "He was abused as a child." And so on.

And tough luck to any of us born with any bad middot or da'ot that make good behavior feel all wrong.

We're just going to have to work even harder and suffer more discomfort than others.

That's all.

​But in the end, all that exertion & discomfort turns into something wonderful (Eternal Life) if we keep on pushing.
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There's Always a Handy Shortcut behind a "Perfect" Appearance

25/6/2020

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Appearances are definitely misleading.

But what's behind the appearance can be very helpful to know.

For instance, many "perfect" people cultivate handy secrets & clever shortcuts to fulfill their needs.

For example, years ago, a "perfect" friend of mine confided one of her shortcuts: She put the children to bed dressed for the next day.

Then she insisted I never tell anyone I heard it from her because she never wants anyone to know.

It never occurred to me to do such a thing, but once I heard it, I was hooked.

I'd get my kids showered and then put them in clean clothes. Sure, I made adjustments. For example, you needn't make your boys sleep in tzitzit and your girls sleep in tights.

And on hot nights, they could sleep without their shirt because it wouldn't take much time to put on their shirt the next morning.

This tip saved me so much stress on school mornings. I did it for years.

Having said that, most people don't like this suggestion.

It sounds weird. They tell me they could never do such a thing.

And I guess that's why my "perfect" friend insisted I never reveal my source.

Sure, it's not for everyone. Pajama pants are much more comfortable than regular pants, for example. So it depends on your child.

But many people simply don't like the idea.

Maybe it depends how many young children you need to get dressed in the morning in a short amount of time, with the pressure of the school transportation coming by a certain time.

Whatever you think of the idea (please remember, everything — the kids, the clothes, etc. — were CLEAN), it was my morning lifesaver during that phase.

Another time, I spent Shabbat in the American home of a family with 7 kids under the age of 10.

And it was perfectly spotless at all times.

I wondered how the young mother did it.

So I asked her.

And she said that part of it is that she puts away any mess immediately. Then she told me something surprising: If she doesn't have a place for something or if she doesn't have the time or energy to put it in the right place, she just tosses it in a closet or anywhere out of sight.

"Really?" I said. It sounded like those people who shove everything under the couch or throw it in laundry baskets when they hear guests are coming. That didn't seem like her at all.

"Yes," she explained nicely. "After all, it's not going to stay there forever, right? At some point, you go and find a place for it. Like, you see it in the closet or drawer and it bothers you, so eventually find a place for it."

Huh. That was a very interesting insight (which I'm not sure applies to everyone, but it was still a handy idea).

She also admitted that her children prefer to play on the main floor of the home, where their mommy is. Even though their basement was set up as a playroom with very appealing toys, the children (like most children) prefer playing where their mommy is. They might play in the basement playroom for 20 minutes, but she could never get them to make that their main play area.

So those are two examples of how "perfect" people don't do everything by the book.

Over the years, I've learned to ask people about their method when I see them excel in an area.

For example, I noticed that in one family, the siblings got along really well. It didn't matter boys or girls or what kind of personality or ages. Everyone was great friends with each other. 

And the mother wasn't amazing in other areas, but in the area of sibling relationships, I figured she must be doing something right. So I asked her and she told me, and I did it too and it worked!...and for the life of me, I can't remember what it was.

(That is so weird & frustrating. But I did it for years.)

So whether a person seems overall "perfect" or whether the person simply excels in a particular area, they usually have some kind of secret or method that works for them and that you can benefit from too.

And they're usually happy to tell you. (It can even be a big compliment for them that you think so highly of whatever it is that they're doing.)

Because they know that without the secret of their success, they would suffer consequences they prefer to avoid.

And they don't want you suffering either.
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Real Honor? It's Not the Sound of 70,000 Germs Clapping: Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Chukat

24/6/2020

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In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah for Parshat Chukat: Attaining His Favor, we learn the astonishing fact that Am Yisrael's entrance to Eretz Yisrael wasn't really delayed by the Spies — Hashem planned all along to postpone aliyah for 40 years (page 6).

And the reason was because Hashem wanted to perfect His beloved children.

Hashem had the whole set-up with the Mishkan (a complex & intricate building) and also the establishment of 3 tremendous teacher-leaders (Moshe Rabbeinu, Aharon HaKohen, and Miriam HaNeviah), the likes of which Am Yisrael hasn't seen since.

Grouped together in the Midbar, Am Yisrael could see their teacher-leaders every day.

​Am Yisrael worshiped together. They learned how to get along together and underwent the great lesson in emunah brought about by the mann.

Once in Eretz Yisrael, they'd be obligated to spread out to their individual territories of inheritance — many very far from their tremendous teacher-leaders & the Mishkan.

But before they merited to settle the ENTIRE Land, they needed to establish their holy ways & their holy Nationhood first.

Our Goal is to be Truly Beautiful

A Yisrael soul contains tremendous beauty.

And Hashem intended for the 40-year sojourn in the desert to beautify the Yisrael soul even more — to its full potential as much as possible.

​On pages 10-11, Rav Miller emphasizes a core fundamental within Judaism, as expressed in Chovot Halevavot: Our goal is to find favor in Hashem's Eyes.

We want Hashem to love us.

Of course, Hashem always loves us.

But we want Him to be pleased with us too.

Who Really Deserves Honor?

Rav Miller has some amusing & sharp observations about the society in which we live.

With all the recent fracas going on around America's monuments, Rav Miller notes that most people take them for granted (when they're not being made an issue of by extremists). They serve as doggie restrooms & homeless shelters, and most people barely notice the statue as they pass by.

And it's worth reading his observations about monuments, artists, and writers on page 11.

​We live in a backwards society in which people think that if:
  • your painting hangs in a museum
  • your name is mentioned in the media
  • you attract thousands of followers
  • you win a bajillion "likes"
  • your book sits in the window display of a book store
  • you receive the Nobel prize
  • you receive a standing ovation from a huge audience after a performance...

...then that's an honor. You've made it!

​Not.

Regarding a music performance before a stadium audience of 70,000, Rav Miller remarks (page 14):
It's as meaningless as could be! An hour later it's all over.

They go home and forget about you.

And even if they'll think about you, you know what it’s like?

It’s like 70,000 germs in this square foot of rug in front of you applauding you.

If 70,000 germs in the rug are applauding you, would you be excited?

​Imagine they're applauding you right now. What does it mean? Nothing at all.

Hollywood portrays (or used to portray) the hero as the guy with a gun to take down the bad guys.

But no, says Rav Miller.

An image of a real hero should feature a guy with a beard & a black hat.

An image of a real heroine is not the woman in make-up & heels excelling in judo, but rather the woman "pushing two babies in a carriage, with six older children holding on."

These are the people who deserve kavod.

Yes, we should honor good Jews with good middot who live their lives for Hashem, regardless of how mundane their tasks seem to the outside world of flash & sparkle.

The Kugel Principle

Kavod is for the Next World.

That's when we'll receive the real kavod — the only kavod that matters: Hashem's Kavod.

​This World is erev Shabbat; it's all about preparation.

The Next World is Shabbat; we get to enjoy the fruits of all our efforts — the scrumptious taste & rich flavor of all our good deeds & good thoughts.

As the Chafetz Chaim once said (page 14):
​

"Kavod is kugel.
​
And you don't eat kugel erev Shabbat."


— the Chafetz Chaim


(Needless to say, some people do eat kugel erev Shabbat. But we know what he meant.)

Credit for all quotes & material go to Toras Avigdor.

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The Pele Yoetz: How & Why You Should Avoid Hurtful Words

23/6/2020

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When you see the same values emphasized repeatedly throughout Jewish scholarship, regardless of the era, surrounding culture, and anything else, then you know it is a core universal Torah value.

Likewise when Rav Avigdor Miller (a Slabodka-educated American rav from the 20th century) emphasizes the same points — even word for word at times! — as Rav Eliezer Papo (a Sefardi rav living in Muslim Bulgaria in the late 1700s-early 1800s), then you know that means that is core Torah value that must be taken to heart.

Rav Avigdor Miller has discussed the importance of taking care not to hurt people with words. (Please see Destructive Words & Healing Words: Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Behar-Bechukotai.) 

And Rav Papo does the same in his masterpiece Pele Yoetz.

(The following points are gleaned from the chapters Ona'ah/Deceit & Fraud, pg. 86-87, and Klilot 1/General Principles I, #26, pg. 666-667.)

I Think Sticks & Stones Might be the Better Option Here...

The Pele Yoetz notes that ona'at devarim (harmful words) is more severe than ona'at mamon (monetary fraud).

​Many of us struggle to get our head around that idea.

Due to outside influences, verbal abuse and other harmful words are often shrugged off as "Oh, he's just letting off steam; he doesn't mean anything by it" or "That's just how she is — blunt! Don't take it so much to heart" or "Just kidding!"

However, if someone steals or tricks a person out of money (even a small amount), does anyone ever say, "Oh, he's just greedy like that, but he doesn't mean anything by it" or "That's just how she is — a fraudster! Don't take it so much to heart" or "Just kidding!"?

​At the same time, the Pele Yoetz gives the benefit of the doubt by acknowledging that many people stumble in this prohibition because they do not know what hurtful speech entails.

So here is Rav Eliezer Papo's definition:
והכלל הוא שכל שמצער את חברו בדבריו הוי אונאת דברים
The rule is that anyone who pains his fellow with his words — this is ona'at devarim. 

This also includes returning a hurt with a hurt.

So if you say something hurtful to someone who hurt you (even in jest!), says the Pele Yoetz, then in addition to the prohibition of hurtful speech, you are also transgressing the prohibition against taking revenge.

And exactly how careful do we need to be with the prohibition against hurtful speech?

​Here's the Pele Yoetz again:
ולא יעשה ולא ידבר שום דבר שיש לחוש אחד למני אלף שיכול לגרום צער לחברו
And he must not do and must not say anything for which there is even a one-in-a-thousand chance that it could cause pain to his fellow. 


​At one point, the Pele Yoetz goes on to emphasize the Heavenly punishment for such things: "total destruction."

Is your stomach clenching at these words? Are you getting that "Uh-oh" feeling?

Is your heart sinking as you remember all the times you were "just kidding" or "just being honest" or only doing to them what they did to you — or even the innocent words said when you do care about feelings, but simply weren't aware of how they affected the other person? 

(That's how I felt reading the above.)

Well, never fear!

The Pele Yoetz has some helpful tips for us.

Here's the main one:

Tip #1 
"That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow."
— Gemara Shabbat 31a


​So all the things that make you go "Grrrr..."?

Just do your best not to do those to others.

Here is another tip to know how to avoid ona'at devarim:

Be careful to avoid hurting another person via:
  • speech (dibur)
  • action (ma'aseh)
  • looking (r'eya)
  • hinting (remizah)

It's very interesting to note that ona'at devarim also includes hurting someone via non-verbal methods, like facial expressions or staring, and also via purely physical non-verbal acts.

Yeah, I knew they were prohibited, but I didn't know they were prohibited as ona'at devarim — hurtful words. 

​(This is why it is so important to review mussar on a regular basis. How many times have I read this section and missed the point that your eyes & actions can also transgress ona'at devarim without saying a word?)

Also, hinting, looking, and action all fall into the realm of emotional abuse (as "forgetting," accidentally-on-purpose behavior, sabotaging, "gas-lighting," etc.).

That's pretty heavy.

Who Knew that Stand-Up Comedy & Amusing Tweets are Just a Big Bloodfest?

Even decent people sometimes say hurtful words.

Let's look at some situations addressed by the Pele Yoetz:

• Situation #1 
"He hurt me first."


As mentioned above, this is revenge and severely prohibited by the Torah.

• Situation #2
"He is a total jerk — I mean REALLY bad. He deserves it."


Unless this is an open admonition from love, says the Pele Yoetz, then it is not only revenge, but you are being used as the punishing stick to punish this wicked person.

Why is that a problem? (After all, the jerk really does deserve it!)

The answer is in Shmuel I:24:14 — "From evil people comes evil — Mershaim yetzeh resha..."

As Rashi says there: As punishment, Hashem decrees that a bad man falls into the hands of another man bad like himself.

So in a nutshell, Hashem uses unpleasant people to carry out unpleasant tasks.

It's already problematic enough that the jerk is a bad person. "Why should [you let him make] his fellow wicked like him?" asks the Pele Yoetz rhetorically.

​(Meaning, why should you insert yourself into the category of reshaim by being the punishment for the jerk?)

• Situation #3
"Just kidding! LOL! I'm not being serious. It's all in jest. Anyway, everyone loves it — they're literally rolling on the floor with laughter. And the comment got so many likes and retweets..."


Oh boy.

If it's in a joking manner, says the Pele Yoetz, then: 
נמצא שעושה שחוק מדמו של זה
...it's as if he's making a joke from the blood of the other.

Yuck.

​That's very strong imagery.

​It's as if you stab your friend, then extract his blood and produce a comedy skit from it.

Along these lines, the Pele Yoetz answers the excuse: "I'm joking! — Misachek ani!" with the following:
הרי אתה שעושה שחוק בדמך ובנפשך כמתלהלה היורה זיקים
Behold, you are making a joke with your own blood and your own soul like "one who exhausts himself slinging firebrands" [Mishlei 26:18]
The Pele Yoetz also says the same about people who pain their friends via joking & giddiness in order to increase merriment.  

Don't Worry about not being Psychic! The Main Thing is Simply to TRY.

Having said all that, no one is perfect and reading minds impossible.

At the end of Ona'ah/Deceit, Rav Eliezer Papo reminds us that we must constantly strive (yishtadel) to cultivate in others a favorable attitude toward ourselves, so that they'll feel comfortable around us.

Hashem doesn't expect us to be perfect, but He does expect us to TRY.

And as long as we try, then Rav Papo promises that the attitude of Hashem will likewise be favorable toward us.

(This should also be some comfort for times when we're forced to deal with bitter or abusive people who insist on playing the victim or who actively seek out "faults" in order to justify their abusive behavior, and do not wish to view their victims in a favorable light. As long as you TRY to avoid hurting others, you're still okay with Hashem.)
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Thoughts regarding Coming to Eretz Yisrael in the Current Situation

21/6/2020

4 Comments

 
While I definitely remained pro-yishuv Eretz Yisrael, I started backing off of passionate encouragement of aliyah when I became aware of people in either impossible or difficult situations who cannot get up & move right now.

My heart also went out to Jews who don't feel they can seriously consider settling in Eretz Yisrael right now — NOT because they are obsessively materialistic & doing their best to live a somewhat kashered version of Lifestyle of the Rich & Famous, but rather because they are so overwhelmed in their current lives by all the stresses and burdens that they simply cannot imagine:
​
  • taking on the extra stress & burdens of managing in a language they may not know so well
  • dealing with a very different culture & mentality
  • a severely narrowed standard of living
  • plus dealing with getting their children acclimated and...
  • ...knowing that if their kids are over the age of 6 they have a significantly higher chance of going off the derech because of the move to Eretz Yisrael.

By the way, impossible situations include:
  • divorced parents sharing child custody & the parent who wants to go cannot abandon his or her children.
  • a spouse who REFUSES to move, including a spouse who is not frum or a spouse who is abusive
  • a job skill that isn't transferable
  • really serious debt
  • some are performing vital lifesaving roles, like running vital institutions and the like
  • legal entanglements (i.e., some people literally cannot get a passport or leave the USA)
  • people with older children who don't want to go
  • people whose married children and their grandchildren all live in the USA & their heart breaks at the thought of leaving them behind (including not being there for their children when they need or their children not being there for them in their need)
  • the responsibility for family members handicapped by old age, ill health, mental or physical problems, etc.
  • people in prison or hospitalized, or who have family for whom they're responsible who are incarcerated or hospitalized

(And yes, Eretz Yisrael has facilities to meet the vast majority of the needs mentioned in the last list — some even better than those in the USA — but the move & adjustment themselves can really wreak havoc on these people, depending on their situation.)

​Also, some people follow a couple of VERY BIG talmidei chachamim from the previous generation who opposed settling en masse in Eretz Yisrael for reasons clearly stated in the Gemara. (And there is also the practical challenge of absorbing millions of Jews in a short amount of time, although certainly, Hashem can do anything.)

And if you know anything about the modern history of the anti-religious radical-Leftist Tziyoinim (whether it was starving the very religious Jews of Yerushalayim and Mazkeret Batya — including the children — out of commission or the horror of what they did to the Yemenite children), you'll concur that these great talmidei chacham at least had a point (even if you personally hold by another opinion).

It goes without saying that in any discussion of what Jews should do, halacha must be the prime directive.

So here an analysis on the actual halacha of leaving chu"l to settle in Eretz Yisrael:
Settling the Land of Israel as a Contemporary Mitzvah

And here is an analysis of the Three Oaths and how they pertain to us today:
The Three Oaths

As you can see, the author is an intelligent and knowledgeable charedi rabbi who leans toward settling in Eretz Yisrael and indeed, he himself lives in Eretz Yisrael.

But he clearly addresses reasons why maybe someone can't right now.

And in his great integrity, he presents the opposing opinions with the respect they deserve.

Also, Rav Itamar Schwartz is a charedi Israeli talmid chacham in favor of mitzvat yishuv Eretz Yisrael who discusses the question of aliyah:
To Live in Eretz Yisrael or Not

Even though it is a question of whether one is wholly obligated to live in Eretz Yisrael (or if one is, whether it's Biblical or Rabbinical), but because there is a level of kedushah that can only be reached in Eretz Yisrael, Rav Schwartz thinks Jews should come because we all have an obligation to connect to kedushah.

However, Rav Schwartz also opines:

  • Rabbeinu Chaim (one of the Baalei HaTosafot & I think a grandson of Rashi) says that because of spiritual & physical danger, there is no actual obligation to live in Eretz Yisrael today. (Meaning, it's a really good & meritorious thing to do in Hashem's Eyes and the only way to reach certain levels of kedushah, but it's not an actual obligation.)
 
  • If you live in Eretz Yisrael, you must COMPLETELY separate from the Erev Rav. (Easier said than done.)

​So those 3 analyses of halacha are very important to read.

​Also, here is a quote from the Pele Yoetz (Eretz Yisrael, page 61) along the same lines as Rav Schwartz:

"The primary purpose of going to Eretz Yisrael
​is for the rectification of the soul."


Hashem has Plans for Each & Every One of Us

Most people I know who chose to come to Eretz Yisrael experienced a lot of siyata d'Shmaya.

First of all, many felt they simply must live in Eretz Yisrael.

That was me.

Hashem forced me to come to Eretz Yisrael when I was 16 and I unexpectedly fell very deeply & all-encompassingly in love with the Land.

It also sparked my journey into authentic Torah observance.

It was a very emotional decision for which I can take NO credit.

I simply despised living anywhere else and only wanted to make Eretz Yisrael my home.

That's it.

And I'm very grateful for that.

Here are other examples:

  • Others find themselves swept here by a spouse or their family, and then adapt. They never leave, except for visits or business.
 
  • Others lose their parnassah in America and decide, "Well, if I'm going to be poor anyway, I might as well be poor in Eretz Yisrael!" — and they come on over.
 
  • Still others live in chutznik communities that lack frum conveniences. Eretz Yisrael actually ends up being MORE comfortable for them. (That was my situation too.) There is no yeshivah or frum girls high school within a 3-state radius. Tsniyus clothes are nearly impossible to find, as is kosher pizza or cholov Yisrael anything, if you miss one minyan then you're on your own because that was the only one (or two)...and then they come to Eretz Yisrael and the frum life is suddenly so much easier.

There are many stories and you'll see there's always a thread of tremendous siyata d'Shmaya running through each one.

If someone lives in Eretz Yisrael, it's not because they are loftier, more pious, more spiritual, or innately superior to those living in Eretz Yisrael (although there are many lofty, pious, spiritual, and innately great Jews living in Eretz Yisrael).

A Jew living in Eretz Yisrael is merely luckier. That Jew has some sort of merit that enabled the mitzvah to happen.

​In other words, Hashem planted the desire in the person and then made it happen.

Conversely:

  • Some people never have the desire (or davka desire NOT to live in Eretz Yisrael).
 
  • Some people come & try very hard to stay, but simply cannot handle it. They may even try for as long as 10 years, and never manage. 

Hashem has a plan for each person. It may not be a sweet plan, but there is definitely a plan.

And we can never know what that plan really is for someone else.

The Safety Issue

Also, I've grown to dislike the idea of coming to Eretz Yisrael because it is safer than chu"l.

I used to think that was a valid argument, but I no longer do.

Yes, Hashem's "Eyes" are always upon Eretz Yisrael and there is extra siyata d'Shmaya & hashkacha.

(For more on that concept, please see The Safest Place in the World.)

And yes, I personally feel MUCH safer in Eretz Yisrael than anywhere in chu"l.

But the Jews of Eretz Yisrael have historically suffered massacres, earthquakes, plagues, poverty, starvation, terror attacks, war, missile attacks, suicide bombings, riots, and sociopathic Torah-hating Leftists.

Also, the mefarshim I've read regarding the End of Days (like Chessed L'Avraham) indicate that there will be Jews & non-Jews alive outside of Eretz Yisrael and at least Jews alive within Eretz Yisrael when all is said and done.

Also, there is this idea:
Facts & Intriguing Ideas about the Ingathering of the Exiles by Rav Zamir Cohen

But back to running from dangers like Jew-hatred...

Jew-hatred also exists in Eretz Yisrael, though it's expressed differently than in chu"l.

​A Jew lives in Eretz Yisrael for spiritual reasons.

Sure, you can appreciate other perks, like kosher pizza, delicious affordable chalav Yisrael dairy products, finally dwelling amid a Jewish majority, and many other advantages.

But to come here because it seems physically safer?

That's like all the Russian non-Jews came because Israel has less crime and a better economy than the Ukraine. 

Or all the African migrants who come because it's a tremendously better standard of living.

Also, Jews who come for non-spiritual reasons end up fomenting a lot of din on themselves and the Nation at large.

​(Again, to understand this concept better, please see To Live in Eretz Yisrael or Not.)

After all, this is a Land who vomits out her inhabitants when their behavior makes her sick.

So Jew-hatred is really a lot more about Jewish self-hatred.

​In other words, it has more to do with us than them.

In other words, the Jew-hatred one escapes from chu"l can follow the Jew to Eretz Yisrael (albeit in a different form) if we don't act like Jews (which means following the Torah AUTHENTICALLY and with A HAPPY HEART).

(For more on that idea, please see God Just Wants Us to Enjoy Life & Have Fun: Rav Miller on Parshat Ki Tavo.)

So please come to Eretz Yisrael, but come with a desire to grow in Yiddishkeit & to achieve levels you cannot achieve elsewhere.

Our Purpose in This World is to Earn a Wonderful Next World. Period.

So all of the above is why I chose to focus more on teshuvah, inner growth, and stuff like that.

First of all, that is always what Chazal emphasizes first & foremost in life.

(For example, you can still earn a magnificent Olam Haba if you never set foot in Eretz Yisrael. But you can forget about a magnificent Olam Haba if you never keep Shabbat or kashrut, or if you act like a jerk or a thief.)

Secondly, inner growth and tefillah open up locked pathways, both spiritually & actually.

Inner growth & tefillah can awaken a desire for Eretz Yisrael.

Inner growth & tefillah can bring about healing or softening and create situations in which seemingly insurmountable problems solve themselves.

​So to me, that seems to be the most effective path toward our ultimate good.

What's the Current Direction regarding Eretz Yisrael ?

So that was my focus: yishuv ha'Aretz? GREAT idea.

IF you can do it.

​But then things started changing and I saw that very great rabbanim were making more of a call to come to Eretz Yisrael.

Also, whether it's in emails to me or shiurim online, I see that many frum American Jews are starting to feel foreboding. Something changed because they didn't feel this before.

More significantly, I came across this video from 2015 with Rav Kanievsky (which I probably saw back then, but had forgotten about):
Rav Kanievsky: Mitzvah La'alot

(It also includes an English-translation transcript beneath the video.)

When asked on behalf of Lakewood Jews whether they need to come to Eretz Yisrael, Rav Kanievsky says in this video that it is a Torah mitzvah to come to Eretz Yisrael now and not wait for Mashiach to bring them.

Please note that the questions are specifically about the Jews in Lakewood who tend to be a very charedi yeshivish type. In other words, these aren't Jews who think it's okay to make all sorts of compromises so they can live with a foot in the frum world and an equally firm foot in the non-Jewish world.

Also, I don't normally read INN nor do they represent my hashkafah, but their link is a way to see Rav Kanievsky without all the shmutz of YouTube (at least for me; maybe it depends on your filter?).

In a comment to a previous post, I wrote the following: 
...I need to see proof of Gadolei Yisrael calling for immigration to Eretz Yisrael whether as a chiyuv or as a rescue-measure.

Perhaps I've seen it, but simply don't remember.

So this is the proof I requested, which again, I probably saw back in 2015, but forgot.

It's embarrassing when that happens, but it needs to be owned up to, so I am.
​Also, there is this recent message in Hebrew by Rabbi Yekutiel Fish who quotes what Rav Kanievsky said (and says that Rav Kanievsky repeated this 5 times), and boy, does it sound urgent — like people should come NOW:
מדברי-הרב-קנייבסקי-הקורונה-זה-הצלה

At around point 3:17, Rabbi Fish says that Rav Kanievsky calls for us to "have mercy on your souls" and that there won't be stronger and more obvious hints than this "as if HaKadosh Baruch Hu is speaking."

Apparently, Rav Kanievsky said that Hashem has been bringing strong hurricanes, extreme weather changes that haven't been seen for many years, decrees against frum education, and all sorts of bad stuff as hints prior to the COVID-19 meshugas.  

And apparently, Rav Kanievsky said that Jews will be safer in Eretz Yisrael, but again, I really wish I could see & hear WHAT exactly Rav Kanievsky said and HOW he said it.

Therefore, I still prefer a video/audio tape because you see even in the above INN article, exclamation points are added where there were none in Rav Kanievsky's speech. (It also wasn't always clear to me when Rabbi Fish was directly quoting the rav and when he was supporting with his own divrei Torah).
 
Things started coming together more when I read this article by Rav Shalom Arush:
Stay Put for Now
 
That's more the attitude I've decided to adopt.
 
Then I came across a clip from Rabbi Wallerstein on Hidabroot. You can see that same clip here:
Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein calls on US Jews to make Aliyah
 
And I decided to listen to the original shiur, which can be found here:
It's Time to Go
 
And at minutes 8:00-8:54, Rabbi Wallerstein speaks about what's really going on:
 
It's NOT to run to Eretz Yisrael to escape coronavirus (which was admittedly much easier in Eretz Yisrael than the USA, but it doesn't have to stay that way; historically, Jews in Eretz Yisrael suffered disease & malnutrition more than the Jews in chu"l).
 
It's not to escape Jew-targeting street crime (we have a 5th column living among us, plus Hamas & ISIS on our borders) and all sorts of wacky Jew-hating authorities (Erev Rav, anyone?).
 
It is because America (and Europe) have reached a point where they've become spiritually dangerous.
 
And that's the final "click" I've been searching for.

When Noach Deteriorates into Esav

Both America & Europe have been on a downward spiral for decades now.

Europe threw out God & any associated morality long before, which is why you see Europe falling more obviously than you see America's fall.

Europe doesn't have that sizable "In God we trust" population that fights for a moment of prayer in school.

Europe has no significant population opposing same-gender marriage. 

(To be fair, Nigel Farage of England had someone against such a union in his party, but when that representative was "outed," Farage apologized on the rep's behalf for holding views "typical of that generation" and the man was shifted. But the man's correct views were not given any credence or fair hearing in British society, and last I checked, Farage refuses to come down on either side of that issue.) 

Non-Jews have a Divine obligation to uphold the 7 Laws of Noach, which are laws they can arrive out simply from thoughtful analysis.

With evolution taught in schools as settled science and a real anti-God & anti-morality mentality sweeping through Western society, plus the current truly bizarre & unscientific gender-meshugas, it's hard to have much hope for positive change.

Right now, some US states have legalized same-gender marriage, which is a strong seal of doom on a society, according to Chazal.

Furthermore, America seems to be violating Chullin 92b by doing things like human flesh being weighed & sold in the market place, which is very similar to what Planned Parenthood does with the organs and other parts of unborn babies aborted close to term (though it's being sold for purposes other than eating, but still ghoulish nonetheless).

Kidnapping & sxual assault are also wholly forbidden to non-Jews, but that's exactly what human trafficking comprises.

​Licentious behavior among unmarried singles has become the norm and adultery is romanticized in books & movies.

Non-Jews absolutely must establish just courts of law, but these have been in continual descent over the years, with recent riots exposing a Sodomite approach to justice.

Recent events have shown that unborn babies can be slaughtered & thugs can intentionally murder random police officers, but police officers may not commit a self-defense killing of a drunken nuisance on probation whose criminal history consists of family violence, child cruelty, theft, fraud, and more.

Or if a police officer accidentally kills a meth-addicted child-abandoning womanizing thief with a prison record, then it's okay to terrorize the entire country on his behalf.

Also, recent events have shown that you are not allowed to gather together in prayer, but gathering to demonstrate, destroy property, loot & pillage, burn police cars, and indiscriminately murder police officers...is okay.

And governors, mayors, and other leaders SUPPORT this.

Euthanasia has long before crossed the line into murder in Europe and America has arrived at that point too.

Any society that runs roughshod over the 7 Laws of Noach and does so for an extended period is going to find itself under increasing din.

And THAT'S what we don't want our fellow Jews caught up in.

Despite some of the criticism I've offered & will continue to offer below about the Medinah, the fact is that the Jewish Israeli society is one of the only ones worldwide that has shown a push for traditional Godly values.

Religion (REAL religion) is making a resurgence in Eretz Yisrael.

People are becoming MORE spiritual and coming CLOSER to Hashem.

True, it's not everyone. And there is a stream of youth leaving Yiddishkeit in Eretz Yisrael.

The tamei technology has also hit the Jews of Eretz Yisrael with a resounding thwack (though not as resoundingly as it has hit the Jews in chu"l).

But there are also many people working on behalf of those struggling souls & there is a movement of increased emunah occurring on all levels of society.

​You can read more about that happy resurgence here:
  • Is the Revolution in the Israeli Entertainment Industry a Sign of Something Deeper & Better Churning within the People?
​​
  • More Examples of the Jewish Soul Shining through All the Shmutz

I haven't heard of anything similar happening among mainstream society anywhere else in the world.

(Even in the Muslim countries, which look very conservative on the outside, there are inside movements toward liberalism. In other words, they aren't fighting for more morality, but for more permissiveness.)

Why I'm Charedi & Not Tziyoni

​I'd been in a quandary about how to relate to the whole thing because the more history and Chazal I read, the more I realized that a lot of the aliyah platitudes don't hold water.

They're superficial and don't fit into millennia of authentic Torah scholarship.

Then the people who hold by these platitudes start turning strange cartwheels to get the platitudes to fit in with the millennia of authentic Torah hashkafah on, say, the issues of suffering and Jew-hatred.

Baruch Hashem, I left the whole Tziyoni political ideology years ago...which many religious people have embraced and tried to make religious, but ultimately, making the holy mitzvah of yishuv ha'Aretz into a political ideology means that even if you are a radical Leftist Torah-hating psychopath, you still earn undeserved "moral" superiority by living in — and completely desecrating — Eretz Yisrael & by serving in the IDF (even if you were completely useless or made terrible decisions regarding Israel's security & everything else). 

Note: I'm NOT saying that everyone who identifies with Tziyonut or serves in the IDF is a radical Leftist Torah-hating psychopath.

The vast majority AREN'T.

The dati-leumi comprise many fine upstanding wholly committed Jews. They're my brothers & sisters and I stand by them.


I opposed the Gush Katif Expulsion (and oppose ANY "Land for piece" destruction) with all my heart and I've donated money to the Gush Katif exiles, even though they aren't my specific "group." But they're still mine & I care about them.

I very much respect the two dati soldiers on my son's base who, when they weren't on guard duty, were constantly learning Gemara b'chevruta and NOT watching movies or wasting time with all the meaningless activities most of the other "soldiers" indulged in.

However, by stripping a mitzvah of all its religious significance and contorting it into a political ideology (and a Communist one at that), you enable all the above to happen.

Not only that, but the secular Tziyonim facilitated a massive influx of non-Jewish immigrants, mostly from Russia.

They end up assimilating into mainstream Israeli society & speaking fluent Hebrew.

They join the IDF.

​This military service bequeaths them fake superiority (socially-speaking) to 100% Jews who are FULLY Torah-observant, but who do not serve in the IDF.

It also bequeaths them social equality to FULLY Torah-observant Jews who serve in the IDF.

When my son served in the IDF, he had 2 Russian roommates who wore crosses around their necks and in December, decorated their shared room with tinsel and sang a rousing rendition of "We wish you a merry...!" and other carols.

L'hiyot am chofshi ba'Artzeinu...ein zo agadah!


Mamesh.

The December holiday rituals consist of occult symbols  & avodah zarah. (You can read more about that HERE.)

That WEAKENS the IDF. 

Profaning the kedushah of Eretz Yisrael in such a way is like spitting in the Face of HaKadosh Baruch Hu (it's even worse, but spitting is as far as I'll go).

This is exactly the kind of thing that the Land feels compelled to vomit out.

Indulging in caroling or December trees & their decorations (decorated trees in December were originally used for human sacrifice, which as we know from Hashem's response to the Canaanites, is a terrible no-no) bring terrible din on us and this type of thing (among other transgressions) enables our enemies to harm us.

Also, the assimilation of so many non-Jews (who appear no different than secular Israelis) is a terrible tragedy & nisayon for the modern Medinah (whether they admit it or not).

My husband is already facing this nisayon with his nephews who have Russian girlfriends who don't seem to be Jewish (including a nephew who is minimally dati and who you'd think would care).

But with fast-track (and insincere) paths to conversion available, many secular Israelis (and even those who aren't so secular but not particularly knowledgeable or God-fearing) don't see a problem with marrying fellow "Israelis" who aren't actually Jewish.

This is a growing problem and in another generation, with their fully integrated Israeli non-Jewish children indistinguishable from Jewish Israelis, it's going to be a VERY thorny one.

These people also vote in Israeli elections.

And they aren't capable of understanding how to vote for the true good of Am Yisrael in Eretz Yisrael.

All this could NEVER happen without the whole concept of political Tziyonut.

Tziyonut is a term invented by Nathan Birnbaum in 1890. (That's pretty darn late in Jewish history.)

​He was a 
secular Jew at that time and wanted a secular Jewish state with Yiddish as the official language. (What about those million Sephardi Jews at that time, Nate?) But he later did complete teshuvah and also turned anti-Tziyoni.

So Tziyonut doesn't exist in Torah or Chazal.

It is a concept created by secular people for a secular nationalistic goal.

It originally did even not include a revival of our ancient holy language: Hebrew.

Again, there is a mitzvah to settle in Eretz Yisrael (and NOT transgress is part of that mitzvah!!! — again, please see the links to Pele Yoetz & Rav Itamar Schwartz above) and that is it, plain and simple.

You may disagree with me, but I've been on all sides of it (i.e. I've been Conservative-Reform, secular, Modern Orthodox, Dati-Leumi, Litvish-Charedi BT, and now Sephardi-Charedi) and done a lot of research, and I pretty much know what I think in this area.

Ultimately, there's just Torah and what Hashem wants us to do.

More Links about the AUTHENTIC Torah View on Settling in Eretz Yisrael

It's hard to put everything into one post and to repeat what's already been said (sometimes repeatedly) in other posts. So please also read what the Pele Yoetz says about yishuv ha'Aretz here:
  • A Prayer to Make Aliyah & Live in Eretz Yisrael
  • The Pele Yoetz's chapter on Eretz Yisrael in Ivrit or Eretz Yisrael in English
  • Tefillah - The Most Crucial Part of Aliyah
  • ​​Keeping Perspective
  • The Pele Yoetz chapter entitled Dwelling (English) or Dirah (Hebrew) 

When Materialism Rules over the Jewish Neshamah

I have a friend whom I've known since she was a secular Jew in high school. 

She became frum and even spent time in a baal teshuvah seminary in Eretz Yisrael, but eventually chose to live a compromised type of frumkeit in one of the most decadent & lurid cities in the USA.

On her last visit to Eretz Yisrael, she disdained the 5-star hotels in Israel, saying they did not reach the same standards as the 5-star hotels in her city (where 5-star hotels competed against each other to cater to the highest standards of materialism).

She mentioned that Israel carries the Golf designer brand, while on the other hand, America carries a designer brand that Israel doesn't, "so it all balances out."

Huh?

In Eretz Yisrael, we have the Kotel, kivrei Tzaddikim, an array of kosher l'mehadrin food, kedushah...

Who cares about the stupid designer brands, especially when you can order so much online anyway if you really feel you need to?

Because I knew her before, I know that she feels more of a connection to Eretz Yisrael than she demonstrates now. Being immersed within so much materialism & social media for so many years and being frum with so many loopholes, the real her is crusted over with a lot of unnecessary gunk.

In other words, you can tell her all you want that she needs to leave her life behind her to make aliyah, but she simply won't be able to hear you because her ears are plugged with so much useless gunk.

What you CAN do is encourage her to take baby steps toward connecting to her neshamah and its real needs.

In a couple of crisis moments when she thought she might lose everything, she turned to Hashem & experienced a lot of saving grace.

So her real self is definitely still there.

​But she needs to experience inner growth.

Over the years, she has spent lots of time in Eretz Yisrael & found it meaningful. She never dismissed it for such material reasons as she does now.

What she really needs to work on is ruchniyut, not Tziyonut.

She & her husband could make aliyah right now and afford to live in a nice Anglo area. Her children are young enough to make the transition easily and, ironically, her husband is most comfortable emotionally & socially when he's in Eretz Yisrael.

But neither have the mindset or the heart to make the switch.

As far as I can tell, they've dropped any spiritual goals for themselves & replaced them with wholly material ones.

And that needs to change before they can even consider making a lifestyle change.

Teshuvah Always Creates a Win-Win Situation

When a Jew works on his or her inner world, they NEVER lose out.

The friend mentioned above? Hashem placed her soul here for a reason.

She needs to start living in a way that earns her the best Eternity possible.

The more she starts building up her emunah and drawing more ruchniyut into her life, the better a person she becomes.

If her mazal (Divinely ordained destiny) is to live out her life in chu"l, whether until 120 or a shortened life, she wins in the end if she earned for herself a beautiful Eternal Life.

If her inner work brings to her to point that she craves kedushah unavailable in chu"l AND and if she simultaneously ABLE to come settle in Eretz Yisrael...then she will!

And that must be the focus.

That's what I get from reading Chazal and the words of real talmidei chachamim.

We are living in This World FOR the World to Come.

​That's it.

So Tachlis: What Will Change on This Blog? Not Much.

I'm still going to continue discussing inner work, teshuvah, emunah & tefillah rather than aliyah because I think that's where the key lies.

Anyway, at the time of this writing, there aren't flights to Eretz Yisrael from America (although flights via Turkey have opened, which ironically is how European Jews used to get to Eretz Yisrael: via Istanbul).

I'm not even sure aliyah is possible at this moment if you don't already have Israeli citizenship. (All these things aren't clear to me; maybe because they keep changing.)

Maybe there will be.

Maybe people will rent cruise ships to come.

Also, I realize that most people cannot just drop everything & come right this second and others are truly stuck in the US for whatever reasons (as described at the beginning of this post).

And still others in chu"l are doing holy work on behalf of Am Yisrael.

And I also do not know what Hashem's plans are for each neshamah. You can want something — even something good & righteous — and still not get it for reasons we can't understand in our current 3-dimensional world.

I also find it bewildering that people can get a video of Rav Kanievsky telling someone to get a haircut, but cannot get a current video/audio of him telling people they must come to Eretz Yisrael right now.

Maybe that is for the sake bechirah. The lack of a clear-cut directive enables better bechirah.

Note: I'm sorry this post focuses so heavily on America. I don't know enough about other countries to discuss them. Or, in cases like South Africa, people already know it's a hopeless cause and are planning to leave anyway, so there's no need to tell them.

Please Read This before Leaving a Comment

This tends to be a hot-button issue with a lot of people.

So before commenting, please keep in mind the following:

  • Please remember that I myself live in Eretz Yisrael (and not an imitation of American lifestyle either, but a very low-key Israeli lifestyle (i.e., no car, no microwave, no dishwasher, air-conditioning in the living room-kitchen area only, an apartment just big enough for our family, etc.). This is my choice & I'm more or less happy like this.
 
  • Please remember that not all American Jews are living decadent lifestyles. Many are definitely not. Many do not even live materially comfortable lifestyles and definitely feel the pinch.
 
  • Also, please review the comment policy before commenting.

Note: "No insults" means that your comment won't be published if you address me or other commenters as if we are stupid or bad people. This means no name-calling, no negative labeling, no attributing nefarious intentions, etc.

"No lashon hara" also includes no denigrating universally recognized Sages who do not think like you. 

(Sorry to over-explain things, but there are comments that were received but never published because they violate the above.)


Also, before commenting, you must read the halachic articles that appeared at the beginning of the post.

I won't publish comments clearly showing the commenter did not read them, whether the commenter didn't wish to or whether the commenter claims the links don't work. (I tried them & visit these sites daily; the links are fine.)

​Here are those links again:
  • Settling the Land of Israel as a Contemporary Mitzvah
  • The Three Oaths
  • To Live in Eretz Yisrael or Not

Well, that's it for now.

May Hashem please bring the Geula Shleima quickly & sweetly b'rachamim rabim.

"ועיקר הליכת ארץ ישראל היא לתיקון הנפש"

"The primary purpose
​of going to Eretz Yisrael
​is for the rectification of the soul."


— Rav Eliezer Papo, Pele Yoetz

Picture
The Kinneret in the Galil


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How to Avoid Getting Caught Up in Korach's Community: Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Korach

18/6/2020

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In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah for Parshat Korach: At Someone's Table, he notes that the text says that Korach influenced people via eating: with flattery and mockery of cakes.

The Gemara says that Korach's guests flattered him when he gave them food & drink.

(Chanifah, often translated as flattery, means to tell someone his deeds are okay when he does something wrong. It's forbidden by the Torah.)

What's the connection?

Meal time is a very influential time.

This is a well-known aspect of the Shabbat meals, which not only consist of scrumptious food, but also lots of stories, divrei Torah, and holy songs.

People tend to listen more during a meal.

We're less distracted & more malleable with full bellies.

If we're eating by someone, we also feel indebted to our host and therefore, we praise his dvar Torah, his jokes, and his singing, even if they're all far from impressive.

We're also less likely to criticize, no matter how offensive or foolish we find the host's words.

And that's basically how Korach got his foot in the door to criticizing Moshe Rabbeinu:

​He did so as the host.

How to Respond to Your Host's Lashon Hara

Rav Miller recommends that if your host starts speaking against Torah-true leaders and their groups (for example, says Rav Miller, if your host starts speaking against Satmar or Lubavitch), you should head for the restroom until Birkat Hamazon.

Or you should suddenly "remember" that you left the faucet on in your apartment and that it's most likely flooding, so you need to run back and take care of things.

At the very least, you shouldn't nod or smile or look at him while he's speaking this way.

You do your best not listen at all.

Shackled by Parnassah & the Agenda of Others

Interestingly, a man who depends on eating from the table of others is someone the Gemara Beitzah 32b defines as his life is not a life.

Our bechirah (ability to choose) is one of the biggest gifts Hashem has given us.

Even in the Paradise of the Afterlife, Rav Miller asserts we will miss that ability to choose good.

Right now, bechirah is a big challenge. Our yetzer hara pulls us away from choosing wisely.

Yet every time we make the right decision, we amass unfathomable reward.

But a man dependent on others for his needs?

That interferes with his bechirah.

Rav Miller expands this to include being dependent on a person or an organization for your livelihood.

Starting on page 9, he talks about how even the most idealistic pulpit rabbi descends in his spiritual level because he's dependent on more Olam-Hazeh-oriented people for his parnassah.

This is a bigger problem than many people realize.

I was a rebbetzin twice, once for a small shul congregation and another time as part of a kiruv kollel.

I saw this first hand. Our shul president was a barely religious guy with really snarly middot. In addition to being a total am ha'aretz, he was also extremely stubborn & controlling. Being under his control was awful because he lacked empathy.

My husband dealt with him better than anyone else ever had, but ultimately, we could not manage to live this way.

Fortunately, the congregants themselves were very likable, and that was the good part of the job.

I saw other situations, plus heard stories, and believe me, it's very hard to maintain your integrity and idealism in this position.

Sometimes, the rabbis with the highest integrity get fired because those are the ones who won't compromise (and then they find MUCH better jobs later, baruch Hashem).

Shackled by Gashmiut

On pages 9-10, I was thrilled to see Rav Miller discuss how the ads in frum magazines affect the written content.

I know people who work for these magazines and many of them are fine, idealistic, sincere Jews.

But not all of them. And when they accept the ads, it shackles the entire staff to an extent.

​Anyway, that's what happened with Korach's followers.

He gave them cake and they were his.

Be Loyal, Not Americanized

The above, and especially the fiasco with Korach, is why you should hate gifts.

Conversely, Rav Miller emphasizes that if a REAL tzaddik wishes for you to eat at his table, then you can forget about everything you read until now because to be the tzaddik's "slave" is a good thing.

You'll received tons of good influence by being shackled to a tzaddik.

​But we're all eating from the table of others in another sense.

We're eating from the table of America or Europe or Australia or wherever we are in chu"l. And in Eretz Yisrael, we're unfortunately eating from the table of Marxists and heretics.

(Some charedi groups will not accept any money from the Israeli government. This is why.)

​In whatever country we live, we benefit from the services.

I know that I grew up thinking that firemen, policemen, and American soldiers are our heroes.

And they are to a certain extent. A lot of us hold fondness for the people who serve us, especially for the people who come to our aide in our time of need.

​We're indebted to them.

That's very real.

Because Rav Miller spent time in Slabodka where he witnessed very real discrimination against Jews with absolutely no legal recourse, he was more aware of how much better America is than many other places.

For all its faults, America has been a great places for Jews. Enormous Torah communities with their wide-ranging chessed not only grow but have thrived in America.

​This is one reason why Rav Miller insisted on hanging an American flag outside his home on American Independence Day.

An American Jew must be loyal to the country that allowed him to not only remain a Jew, but enabled him to grow in his Yiddishkeit.​

What Changed in 50 Years?

Unfortunately, America changed in the 50 years since Rav Miller began speaking.

He notes that 50 years ago, he didn't need to talk about displaying the American flag.

But nowadays, with all the secular liberal agendas flying around, it has become an issue.

​And it affects the frum community too because the same mayor who allows money for yeshivot also wishes to support a toeva lifestyle for his citizens.

So frum Jews don't want to stop voting for him even though he is destroying the country.

And to be fair, at this point, you don't see much difference between the Democrat or the Republican candidate. On social issues, they're often the same.

But it was always like that; it built up over time.

And now everyone is stuck.

Eat from Hashem's Table

On page 14, Rav Miller describes what America was like for Jews in the early 1900s.

Then he goes on with a very interesting description of how even frum Jewry has been affected by Americanization.

Loyalty is excellent. Becoming Americanized is not good for a frum Jew.

​We must maintain the awareness that everything we have is from Hashem.

We are eating from Hashem's Table.

And that's how we avoid getting caught up in the community of Korach.

Credit for all quotes & material goes to Toras Avigdor.


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What It Looks Like When Hashem Expands Your Tiny Opening to the Size of a Banquet Hall

17/6/2020

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Hashem meets each person at his or her own level:
​

"For if you create an opening
the size of the eye of a needle,
​I will open for you a banquet hall."
​

– Shir Hashirim Rabbah 5:3


​It's amazing to see where even baby steps can take a person.

​For example...

Half-Hearted Attempts at Emunah Reap Rave Results

After over 20 years of child-bearing and enduring difficult births (for which even an epidural didn't always work as it should) followed by a colicky baby who cried & spit up copiously for months, a friend of mine decided to try what she read in a frum book:

Hashem can do ANYTHING — so acknowledge this, and then just ask.

My friend is frum from birth, but raised by parents of high scholastic intelligence who possessed a shallow ideas of middot & closeness with Hashem (and who thus engaged in a lot of poor parenting).

So while my friend is very frum & committed, she always lacked the inner lushness that involves the heart.

Due to her experiences, it's hard for her to relate to Hashem as a Kind & Compassionate Father.

Perceiving Him as unpredictable & scary, she always preferred to keep Him at arm's length.

But this time, she decided to try this baby-step toward emunah and said:

"Okay, Hashem, You can do anything. You can give me an easy birth and give me a calm baby."

She said this a lot throughout her pregnancy, but not every day. And maybe not even every week.

"I didn't always believe it," she acknowledged. "A lot of times, I didn't even say it with such conviction. I still felt skeptical, but I thought that if this is the right thing to do, if this how we're supposed to be, then why not try it?"

She experienced the easiest birth ever with a stay in the hospital that seemed custom-made for her needs (VERY unusual).

Her baby is serene & healthy, only crying if she needs a diaper-change, food, or sleep.

My friend still can't believe it worked.

But clearly, Hashem understands how hard it is for her to connect to Him based on her upbringing.

So when she just made half-hearted baby steps in His direction, He pulled her all the way through, which hopefully has given her the necessary encouragement to continue moving forward in this direction.

Turning to Hashem Mashes Motorcycle Mania

Another friend worried over her son, who sank deeper & deeper into the motorcycle culture.

He invested large chunks of his salary in things like:
  • a protective suit made of 100% kangaroo leather (which cost over a thousand shekels)
  • state-of-the-art helmets (yes, more than one)
  • a state-of-the-art motorcycle
  • spiffy decals & accessories

...and spending entire days at a motorcycle track where he merely zoomed around & practiced risky stunts.

He started hanging out with the other young men there who were also obsessed with motorcycle culture.

The noise of the motorcycle could be heard from blocks away before he even arrived home, and he wouldn't use a muffler despite being informed that the motor bothered both his parents and his neighbors in the middle of the night (though if it was after 10 PM, he agreed to roll the motorcycle out several yards away from the building to rev up the motorcycle away from the open windows of his neighbors — but it was still a noisy event.)

His mother decided to follow the advice of Rav Shalom Arush:

​Spend 10 minutes a day speaking to Hashem about your child.

Pour out your heart & beg Hashem for a change in your child...for 10 minutes.

My friend started doing this, though she admitted she found it difficult to spend those 10 minutes on him alone because it turned into a by-rote "Please Hashem, may my son do true teshuvah," which made it hard for her to maintain heartfelt communication with Him.

So she decided to include her other children in those 10 minutes, but she made sure to ask Hashem to extract her son from the motorcycle culture WITHOUT harming him in any way, and also to turn him toward good things, including Torah study.

She also confessed that she missed a day here and there, even though it was only 10 minutes.

(This resistance is a very powerful & pervasive yetzer hara in our generation. Please know that you earn incredible merit for even trying to overcome this.)

After a week of doing 10 minute sessions (including a missed day), her son told her that a piece became dislodged from the motorcycle while he was zooming down a highway, but he caught the piece as it came out and it didn't harm the operation of the motorcycle.

However, he needed to send the motorcycle out for repairs and everyone got a few days of quiet.

His mother thanked Hashem for that, both that the motorcycle was out of commission and also that her son was not harmed in any way.

And she kept on going with the 10 minutes a day (minus another day that she missed).

The motorcycle came back and after another week (minus the day she missed), her son decided to ride with a friend to spend Shavuot & Shabbat with secular friends (who don't keep Shabbat or kashrut).

On the way to their destination, her son made the irrational decision to take a well-known dangerous curve at a high speed.

Several bikers have lost their lives at this curve, while others suffered long-term debilitating injuries.

Despite knowing this and generally being smart enough not to take such risks, he headed into the curve at high speed, then went into a skid.

Propelled from the motorcycle, Hashem gave him the split-second presence of mind to "grab the street" to avoid slamming into the guard rail (which was the source of death & debilitation for previous bikers).

​He still knocked into it, but not dangerously so.

Then he discovered he could not breathe. His riding partner had called an ambulance and tried to help him in the meantime, but no luck.

Right then, a car full of doctors on their way to work in a hospital "happened" to pass by and stopped to help. 
 

My friend's son passed out while the doctors worked on him. He came to as he was being loaded into the ambulance.

His pricey super-cool kangaroo-leather outfit was irreparably cut away from his body so the staff could work on him.

He spent Shavuot & Shabbat in the hospital eating kosher food.

​Fortunately, a rabbi with whom he was close lived nearby and came to spend time with him, which included learning Tanya together.

Ultimately, he bruised his tailbone and scraped one of his hands, but was otherwise unhurt. No fracture, no breaks, no sprains, no inner organ damage, no gashes...just some bruising that made him walk funny for a week.

​He declared himself finished with motorcycles & the whole accompanying culture, and looked toward getting back to work and buying a car instead.

All this happened after 2 weeks of a mother's heartfelt tefillah.

Not even the whole 10 minutes on just this child, and not even every day.

In other words, it wasn't perfect tefillah and it wasn't by the book (i.e., she didn't spend the whole 10 minutes on just that child).

But those regular minutes she invested in tefillah were truly heartfelt.

(Also, she said that, to be honest, she thinks the neighbors were also davening for an end to the whole motorcycle mania, so maybe it wasn't just her efforts.)

And yes, he got hurt the second time, but not badly.

As you can see, there was a lot of siyata d'Shmaya in his accident (including being saved from spending a couple of very holy days with people who would profane those days).

​Baby steps.

Emunah means knowing Hashem can do ANYTHING.

​Bitachon means trusting that, whether Hashem gives you what you want or not, it's all for your very best.
​

Needless to say, the above results do not ALWAYS happen.

I think we all know people (including ourselves) who davened & begged for years about a certain issue, and the answer was (and maybe still is) "Nope."

But we've also seen in our own lives how much Hashem has said "YES!"

In his masterpiece, Pele Yoetz, Rav Eliezer Papo encourages a person in an anguishingly impossible situation to turn to Hashem and pour his or her heart out daily to the Creator.

​And as a result, says Rav Papo, "ulai yechanen Hashem — perhaps Hashem will show favor & compassion."

The Rav Papo was a tremendous tzaddik who doesn't lie to us.

Tefillah WORKS.

Tefillah can also work miracles.

But at the end of the day, we do not know what trials our soul must endure for its own rectification.

Only Hashem knows what we really need.

Yet it is still so incredibly worth investing in turning to Hashem directly, as a vulnerable child does to a loving parent and as a person turns to his or her best friend in the world, a BFF who is All-Powerful, Truly Loving & Compassionate, and Forgiving...

​...a BFF who truly wants to help you and CAN help you.

We can't know what the ultimate answer will be.

But focusing on true stories like the above can encourage us to at least try.

Fumbling...bumbling...unsure baby steps in the right direction?

Many times, that's all we need to merit Hashem reaching out to us and pulling us in the rest of the way.
Picture


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Chinuch & Parenting: How to Utilize Modern Experts & Advice, Plus Warning Signs to Beware of

15/6/2020

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Following on the heels of a previous post (A Little Bit about My Journey of Discovery from "Imitation" (albeit well-intentioned) Chinuch to Authentic Torah Chinuch), I wanted to share a bit more about utilizing modern experts & advice.

As much as a lot of the modern stuff has disappointed me, some of it is helpful.

As much we should be combing Chazal (like the Pele Yoetz, which discusses parenting throughout the book) for proper guidance, we can also receive ideas from people in our own times.

And even though a lot of child psychology is not as helpful or effective as proclaimed, there can be value in a particular method that has been observed and/or tried hundreds of times, and shown to work effectively in a particular situation.

Hashem sends messengers to help us out.

So if we read something or hear something that pops on the light bulb for us, then that is from Hashem, and it's probably meant to be utilized.

How so?

First of all, consider the source:

​• Does the source have experience with your type of child?

​For example: If the source's experience is primarily based on Girl World, and you need help with your boy, the source (whether written or verbal) is unlikely to help you.

In fact, it can even make you feel bad for no reason.


(Please note I did not say that such a source will NEVER help you. Maybe it will. But it's unlikely.)

If the source lacks experience with your situation, whether it's parenting as a widow or widower, or navigating child-rearing with joint-custody after a divorce, or dealing with a highly sensitive child or an ADHD-type child or a learning disabled child...the source is unlikely to be helpful if it lacks specific experience.

​• Is the source able to understand & empathize?

​Even if the source thinks that toddlers are bundles of cuteness & fun, the source should still be able to understand why some parents find that phase the most difficult.

If the source cannot relate to someone who isn't exactly like them, then you are VERY unlikely to receive the help you need.

In fact, such a source can even make you feel very bad about yourself for absolutely NO LEGITIMATE REASON.

​This means you will go around feeling bad when you should actually feel good.

There is absolutely NO logical reason or benefit for an overall good parent who is sincerely trying to feel like he or she is a bad or a failure, or whatever.

It serves no purpose and is taka harmful.

• Does the source consider parents generally good or generally bad?

​Throughout the Eighties & into the Nineties, secular child pop psychology assumed that parents would be terrible if they weren't told exactly what to do.

(If you convince parents they cannot function without your books & counseling sessions, that also helps you make a lot more money.)

Books & articles & talkshows gushed with personal stories of all sorts of abuse & insensitivity that normal people would never dream of doing.

(Or never do more than a handful of times throughout their entire parenting career; certainly not daily or weekly or even monthly.)

Unfortunately, many chinuch people in the frum community adopted this same style and engorged books, articles, and classes with very disturbing stories as a "warning" to parents about how bad this behavior is.

The problem with this approach is it assumes the parent NEEDS to hear this.

The implication is: If the parent doesn't hear this disturbing story of extremely disturbing & abusive behavior, then the parent will ALSO behave in this same abusive & disturbing way.

This is simply is not true for the vast majority of frum parents, who are idealistic and wish to do whatever is best for their child, no matter how difficult.

This idealism & dedication are especially true for new mothers fresh out of Beis Yaakov or a BT seminary.

There is no need to relate to them as if they possess some demon hidden deep inside & just waiting for them to have children so this demon can finally be released.

Muwahahahahahaha...!


Also, that is not the Jewish way to relate to each other.

The core neshamah is all good and we are also commanded to give the benefit of the doubt & assume the best about every Jew — even parents! — unless there is a solid reason not to.

Assuming the worst about a person is a non-Jewish attitude.

The Jewish way is to relate to people as if they mean well and are basically good, but maybe just need a hand in getting to where they need to be.

​• Does the source make you feel bad about yourself as a person and/or parent?

​As stated before on this blog, mothers who feel bad about themselves will NOT parent well.

​So shaming or chastising the mother is usually a very harmful method.

(Disclaimer: There may be exceptions to this, but I believe those exceptions are rare. In general, making a mother feel bad or abnormal is very harmful to both her and her children.)

Even if they have good middot & good intentions, the yoke of self-loathing or despair is too heavy for them to carry AND still perform their essential tasks well.

Some mothers will hit or yell at their children if they feel bad. They'll say hurtful things they don't even mean.

Some will act neglectfully or distance themselves from their children, whether emotionally or physically (like immersing themselves in their career or social life or chessed activities or novels & magazines or social media). Their children will feel like they have a robot mother who's not really present.

Some will put on a big act and perform all the technical aspects quite well, including a big smile & a voice full of enthusiasm. But inside, she feels empty, bored, angry, or like she's dying inside.

While putting on a big act is excellent for those times when we aren't feeling well or if we're going through a grueling phase, it isn't ideal as a permanent state of parenting.

The children do sense that their mother doesn't really like them or doesn't really like her role as a mother, though they may not know how to articulate it or even what's wrong with the picture.

​Also, even if a mother really is parenting poorly, making her feel bad DOES NOT HELP.

My favorite rebbetzin once emphasized how important it is not to shame or act judgmentally toward a mother behaving abusively (whether your neighbor or someone you see in the street).

She said, "If you yell at her or rebuke her in some way, she's very likely to wait until she gets home and then REALLY give it to her kid. She'll blame her child for your disapproval."

In other words, if you really care about the child, you will not make the mother feel bad.

She advised doing something to break the moment, like just going up to her and giving a nice (not condescending or mocking) smile and saying "Hi!" even if you both are total strangers.

If it's a neighbor, you can knock on the door and ask to borrow a cup of sugar or say, "I just finished reading this book and I thought it's something you would really like too. Would you like to borrow it?"

​Act like you didn't hear anything at all.


If someone is caught up in a temper, just distracting them with something like the above can be enough to break them out of it. When they turn back to their child, the same fire is simply no longer there.

Sometimes, a sincere & wholly non-judgmental offer of help works wonders.

It's impossible to offer hard-and-fast tips because so much depends on the individual dynamics and what you're capable of yourself, so how you should respond really depends.

But the main point is that even with a dysfunctional mother, making her feel bad about her dysfunctional behavior will make her behave even worse.

(Also, it could be that the dysfunctional behavior is a temporary response to a stressful situation and she KNOWS she's failing & WANTS to behave better, so by you avoiding condemnations and either assisting her or breaking the harsh moment, you are doing something she appreciates, which will also help her get back on keel.)


​Another illustration of how making dysfunctional mothers feel bad backfires:

A non-frum friend of mine grew up with parents who regularly hit her and her siblings. When a siblings behavior at school initiated a recommendation for family counseling, her parents acquiesced (maybe they had no choice?) and attending counseling sessions for several months.

My friend remembers that the physical abuse and the extreme fury stopped, but her parents never became nurturing people.

For example, even when my friend told her mother she loved her, she said her mother never even lifted her eyes from the romance novel she was reading as she replied, "Go away."

So by age 11, my friend learned not to praise or show her mother affection because it only led to rejection.

Later, her mother said, "Oh, we attended therapy when you kids were little, but it never really helped."

"Oh yes it did!" said my friend to me after reporting her mother's comment. "I'm VERY grateful the hitting stopped. I lived in such fear & dread of being hit. At school, I was very shy and fearful and thought that being good meant to be as quiet & unnoticeable as possible. With rare exceptions, the idea of being assertive terrified me and I was sometimes a target for bullying, which I found unendurable. But I was able to overcome a lot of that fear & shyness on my own later."

So making the mother feel bad stopped the physical abuse, but the mother simply switched to emotional neglect instead (because she felt ashamed of having been "caught" and judged unfavorable, and lacked the ratzon to improve).


The point is that you can't really help people who aren't interested in being helped. 

In order for be able people to be able to change for the better, they first need to WANT to be better. They need to WANT to be good.

If they don't want this, then you cannot help them.

But you can at least not make them feel bad, even if they are kind of bad.

If they feel bad about themselves, they will simply take it out on their children, whether via active abuse or neglect of some sort.

Okay, yeah, they're doing it anyway. But you don't need to make it worse.

And all the more so, making a good & dedicated mother feel bad?

What on earth is the point?

​In conclusion, a chinuch source that makes mothers feel bad is generally no good, no matter how highly recommended.

• Does the source use cult tactics to get you to parent according to their method?

(Note: I have never encountered a chinuch person who INTENTIONALLY used cult tactics. They seem to have no idea. They give the impression more that they feel very passionately about their method and truly feel that one step in the wrong direction will ruin everything. However, these tactics are still inappropriate.)

This connects to the above idea because cults operate by making people feel bad, and then offering themselves as the solution & salvation.

So a chinuch teacher or method that makes you feel like, without them, you will be abusive and/or your child will end up off the derech is some way?

In other words, "My way is the ONLY way...OR ELSE!"

That's a cult tactic.


Hashem is intimately involved and they cannot make such statements.

Some of our Gadolim had parents who weren't up to par. You don't hear about it so much because it's lashon hara, but when you read biographies, you come across vague indications of it.

In fact, one who became a tremendous tzaddik and extremely loving person sounded like he didn't have such nurturing parents.

There is another man that Rav Avigdor Miller mentions in his lectures whom Rav Miller describes as incredibly sweet with beautiful middot, and this man endured terrifying beatings from his father.

Other parents are very good, yet they have at least one child who goes off the derech in some way.

So while proper chinuch is vitally important, it isn't the only factor in who the child will become later.

Playing on a parent's fear to get them to conform is a cult tactic.

If the chinuch teacher explains the necessity of a particular aspect of his or her method by telling a scary story of what happened when a good parent simply did not carry out ONE aspect and saying that IS the reason why, then that is a cult tactic.

There were no other influencing factors? The loving parents did EVERYTHING ELSE right but lacked this ONE thing, and that ruined everything?

Believe me, you're going to get more than just ONE thing wrong in your parenting.

ONLY HASHEM IS PERFECT.

Also, Hashem is running things. Probably He had a reason why things turned out as they did.

So if you're made to feel that if you make one false step, you'll ruin everything, then that induces fear & dependence, and it's a cult tactic.

Manipulating parents to conform is a cult tactic.

For example, let's say the chinuch expert declares you must do this-and-such EVERY day OR ELSE...and then when you fail, the chinuch expert says, "Oh, that's okay. Doing it 3 or 4 times a week still works. I just wanted you to think you needed to do it every day just to make sure you'll DO it at least 3 or 4 times a week."

That's manipulating the parent's behavior.

It's wrong to manipulate people like that.

​Each person has his or her own God-given bechirah and it's harmful to steal it away like that.

Furthermore, if the mother never knows that 3 or 4 times a week is actually okay, every time she does it "only" 3-6 times a week, she will feel bad. She'll feel like she's failing her child.

As stated above, feeling bad/despairing/failing actually harms a mother's parenting.

Shaming for very normal feelings or actions is a cult tactic.

If a mother with 4 kids under the age of 5 expresses feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or unable to carry out all the expectations she has of herself, why look at her as if she just sprouted a big hairy wart on her forehead and then say, "Well, yeah, of course! That's just how it is!"

When I witnessed this interaction in a class, part of the reason I felt so stunned was because I admired the young mother for even trying to do all that she did.

Another reason why the teacher's response was so shocking is because when you have little kids that close together, it means you are usually either pregnant (with all the hindrances that entails) or recovering from birth and probably not sleeping through the night because by the time you trained one to sleep through the night, you either have another baby or one on the way.

That's very demanding. So why can't the mother say she's frustrated at not being able to carry out her self-imposed tasks in the way that's more convenient for her?

Also, in response to the teacher's dismissive reply, the young mother's entire body sagged and she looked so defeated.

But why?! She was doing such a good job! Why make her feel like she's not?

​!!!!

Finally, the above interaction happened in a group. Why put down the mother publicly? Is that even halachically allowed?

And that is what cults use too:

Public humiliation is another cult tactic.

Anyway...

On the more positive side: Because these people don't mean to use cult tactics, these chinuch classes aren't really cults.

For example, I never ran into a chinuch teacher or course that displayed other classic cult aspects, such as constantly manipulating you into giving them money (beyond the standard affordable monthly fee), or acting as a front for illegal activities, or encouraging other members to sever ties with you when you leave the group, or isolate you from the outside world, and so on.

But cult tactics are always based on a lack of emuna. 

In short:

If a person believes in Hashem and know that Hashem is running everything perfectly without you (and that you are a shaliach, but not more than that), then you won't:
  • feel the need to manipulate followers/attendees/readers/members to do what you want
  • feel like your way is the only/best way, regardless of other situations & personalities & capabilities
  • feel the need to instill fear in order to elicit obedience
  • feel threatened by normal feelings or responses, and thus feel compelled to shame them for these normal feelings or responses

With occasional exceptions, if you follow Hashem's halacha, you will not:
​
  • judge your followers/attendees/readers/members l'kaf chovah (unfavorably)
  • publicly humiliate or shame them
  • respond to them with anger & angry or hurtful words

Again, no one is perfect and we all stumble in the above at times.

But if a chinuch provider is regularly doing the above, then it is certainly not chinuch based on authentic Torah hashkafah.

A Little Bit More about Shaming, Condemnation, and Criticism

In my chinuch class, one woman was married to an "idiot savant" type.

​Despite his intellectual brilliance, he constantly behaved inappropriately and did not seem to understand how inappropriate his behavior was.

They ended up divorcing when their children were still young (and she happily remarried later).

Another had a dysfunctional husband, and had received a not-so-ideal upbringing herself. Neither her parents nor parents-in-law were supportive people. She felt innately defective from a young age, and that feeling never left her. 

Another possessed terrific middot and also had a fantastic husband, whom she described as a diamond, but her own upbringing was pretty dysfunctional. Her in-laws demanded high material standards (fortunately, they did not live close by) and her parents and a couple of her siblings were quick to criticize anything they didn't approve of her child-rearing methods (despite the fact that she was a MUCH better parent than all of them).

And others, of course, had very good situations over all. 

Some came from a secular background and simply wished to learn how to raised children in a Torah way. Others came from frum backgrounds, but wished to learn how to deal with the challenges of raising a frum family in this generation.

The point of mentioned the above is that when you are teaching parenting, you face a whole smorgasbord of situations in your audience.

If you're going to shame, chastise, criticize, or in any way make a mother feel bad about herself, you may push her over the edge if she is already feeling bad about herself because she struggles against her own problematic upbringing and her husband and/or parents/in-laws are already yelling at her and cutting her down.

Or because she is already overwhelmed with dealing with problems in her home life (including health issues, financial problems, a special needs child, etc.).

You can break such a person.

And if you don't care about the mother, think of the children who are being parented by a crushed mother (in addition to any other problems going on).

So building up people and focusing on their good points, what they're doing RIGHT, is a very important aspect of helping others. (This idea is straight from Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, a big chassidic tzaddik from the past generation.)

A chinuch teacher must be aware of this. I do not understand why so many were not & why some still are not aware.

Stopping the Madness

Several incidents led to me breaking away from a particular chinuch course.

The final wake-up-call was when I wanted to discuss with my rebbetzin my "failure" to parent properly (according to the method of the course).

I poured out how hard I was trying yet how I felt that I was ​falling further & further behind.

She listened thoughtfully (and with increasing concern), then said, "I don't know exactly how to say this and I don't mean to interfere in your decisions, but...are you sure this course is good for you?" 

"What do you mean?" I said, shocked. After all, this course was teaching me the Torah way of raising children! (Which I was increasingly failing to do, for some reason I couldn't fathom...must be because I was innately defective, I guessed...)

Very hesitantly and with sincere concern, she said, "Well, it's just that it seems to be making you feel bad."

It's like she was speaking a foreign language.

Feel? What do feelings have to do with following a rabbinically endorsed chinuch method? Ours is not to feel good, ours is to do or die!

So I expressed my bewilderment at her statement.

​After all, if I'm not parenting properly, why should I feel good? I'm NOT being "good," I'm not doing things "right," so why should I feel good?

​Also, aren't we supposed to do things whether we like them or not? After all, I really dislike checking for bugs & worms in food; I even dread doing it (because I'm not so into slow, nitpicky things like that), but I do it anyway because that's the halacha.

So why would this be different?

"Yeah," she said, "except that you sound like you feel BAD about YOURSELF. You're not supposed to feel bad about YOURSELF! Also, I KNOW you. You're a good person. You're a good mother. Why should you feel BAD?"

And it was like someone whisked off a blackout curtain that had been draped over my face.

I suddenly saw things clearly.

I was trying to be a good mother. And even if I wasn't up to par, as long as I was sincerely trying, why should I feel so bad about myself?

​Why should I feel like such a failure?

​Why should I feel defeated and hopeless and like my children have no chance of turning out well simply because I cannot juggle bowling balls while jumping through all the sky-high hoops the teacher set for us? 

And so I quit. 

A Final List of the Suggested Questions & Warning Signs

To recap, here are questions to ask yourself:
  1. Does the source have experience with your type of child?
  2. ​Is the source able to understand & empathize?
  3. ​Does the source consider parents generally good or generally bad?
  4. ​Does the source make you feel bad about yourself as a person and/or parent?
  5. ​Does the source use cult tactics to get you to parent according to their method?

The answers to the above should be:
  1. Yes.
  2. Yes.
  3. Generally good.
  4. No.
  5. No.

Warning Signs 

Answering the above questions negatively:
  1. No.
  2. No.
  3. Generally bad.
  4. Yes.
  5. Yes.

And beware of the following cult tactics (even if they're carried out unintentionally):
​
  • ​Creating the impression that their method is the ONLY way (when it's not halacha)
  • Inducing dependency on the expert or shitah
  • Inducing fear 
  • Playing on the parent's fears
  • Shaming for very normal feelings & actions
  • Public humiliation (even in a minor way)

The above includes articles & books, not just classes or consultations.

Here's How to Handle Chinuch Problems in a Helpful Way

This post has been a somewhat negative what-NOT-to-do article, so I'd like to end with a positive here's-what-you-can-do-instead! message.

One of my children is an enneagram Six, which is one of the most complex personality types.

They possess many wonderful innate qualities, but they also struggle with anxiety & insecurity, which makes them a bundle of contradictions.

For example, if they feel under attack or as if they MIGHT be attacked, they sometimes decide that the best defense is a good offense, and they come out swinging with all their might while shooting from both hips.

But all that aggression emanates from fear.

Their aggression isn't bold or independent in the way that another type of aggression is.

(You can read more about the Six personality type here.)

They can also go hot, then cold, then hot again, then lukewarm, then...you get the picture.

A lot of standard techniques backfire with them.

For example, there is a really lovely frum book about unconditional love toward one's child. The mother in the book repeats to her misbehaving child that even though she doesn't always love his behavior, she always loves HIM deeply & completely.

Doesn't that sound nice?

Ironically, this lovely idea propelled my then 4-year-old son into a state of anxiety.

​He did not even want to hear this statement. Throughout the days, he sought reassurance by repeatedly asking, "Right, you also love my behavior?"

​What am I supposed to say? I don't always love his behavior, nor do I think I should love all his behaviors. But he really needs the reassurance that I do!

To his psyche, loving HIM isn't nearly enough.

So all this makes this type more-complicated-than-average to raise.

You need to read their mind and constantly try to see what's going on beneath the surface of their external behavior.

Anyway, I know I'm not so competent at dealing with this type, and I was having difficulties (especially at bedtime) with this child, who was four at the time.

He couldn't tolerate any disapproval from me, not even a facial expression, but often resisted the bedtime routine (brushing teeth, getting into bed, going to sleep) with every fiber of his being, even if he was tired.

And even something as small as a stern look from me elicited a volatile response.

Then Hashem had me remember that Miriam Adahan's book Awareness has tips for dealing with this type of child.

So I opened to the appropriate chapter (Type Six, Part II, For Parents, page 284) and saw that first of all, the author addresses loving parents and reassures them that they shouldn't blame themselves if they see this insecure, demanding behavior in a child.

That's a good sign right there.

​She assumes her reader is a loving parent (although she acknowledges that not all parents are) and immediately brushes away the blame game.

Then she explains why a common emotional parental response does not work with this child, and also offers a variety of alternatives, explaining why they do work.

This allowed me to use my God-given bechirah to analyze if & how this applied to my situation. (It does.)

What jumped out at me was the advice to hold the child in a comforting embrace davka when the child is being obnoxious.

This is not my innate style (I'm more straight-forward & oppose "rewarding" bad behavior) nor is it anywhere in my upbringing. 

But based on the author's explanation (which made a lot of sense), I decided to give it a try.

Also, when the book explained why this method works, it was not accompanied by the fear-inducing cult tactics I encountered in the chinuch course (i.e., the book did NOT say something like: "You MUST do this because once upon a time, there was a mother who did not hug her obnoxiously behaving child when he was behaving obnoxiously and he went on to become a serial killer — all because she did not hug him while he was obnoxious.")

And she didn't try to pass off the suggestion as "the authentic Torah way" (although maybe our heilige ancestors did indeed do it); the suggestion was clearly based on her own experience and/or research.

The point is that she had experience with this method & saw that it really did work for this specific dynamic.

So at bedtime, there we were in what had become our usual bedtime formation:

Me sitting at the foot of the bed and him stomping on his pillow while swinging the other leg over the headboard and shouting at me that he doesn't love me and other unfavorable opinions of what kind of mother he thinks I am.

So even though it is not my inclination to respond in the following way, I went according to the book and said something like, "Even if you don't love me, even if you hate me, I still love very much and I always will no matter what."

(I couldn't hold him because he was too far away and too volatile for me to hug.)

But those words immediately soothed him down.

He looked taken aback, then he smiled and said, "I don't hate you!"

Then he came closer and I could finally hold him and repeat that I love him no matter what, even if he doesn't love me.

Within seconds, a fierce & angry bear had softened into a loving, affectionate, accommodating kitten.

We only needed to go through this maybe once or twice more before the freak-out behavior stopped. He can still be difficult at bedtime (mostly because, like most children, he doesn't want to go to bed), but he no longer goes berserk.

And it even paved the way for his own free expression of affection.

After this, he started initiating hugs throughout the day and telling me he loved me very much.

In fact, when we sat together at a bus stop and another lady asked me about the route of a particular bus, this same son suddenly pulled himself into standing on the bench, lunged at my head & wrapped his arms around my head (nearly knocking me over and also forcing me to hold on to my hair-covering for dear life) and said, "What a lovely mother (ima chamoodah) you are! How much I LOVE you!"

This was both embarrassing & gratifying, but the lady just seemed amused.

The Goal isn't Perfection, But to Meet the Challenges in the Way Hashem Wants

So...I obviously do not know everything and still need help and guidance, especially in dealing with any child who is very different than me.

And that's normal.

The situation was set up in exactly this way by HASHEM Himself.

​As mentioned in the previous post, the Pele Yoetz sets up certain guidelines for parenting, but even so, he still leaves a lot up to the reader's own discernment because as the Pele Yoetz outright acknowledges, situations & dynamics vary so much from one to the other, it's impossible to offer detailed concrete advice to a general audience.

So yeah, for specific situations, I need to look outside myself for the answer because I simply don't have it.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

Sometimes I ask Hashem.

Other times, I head toward a book or article that I feel holds the answer.

I won't consult with an actual person at this point because I've been burned too many times doing that, but reading, davening, inquiring of Hashem seem to meet my needs just fine.

It doesn't mean that things are perfect; Hashem always sends us challenges & different forms of tzaar gidul banim.

​But it just means that I'm more likely to meet my challenges in the way that Hashem wants me to.

For more on this topic, please see:
  • A User's Guide to Chinuch Advisers and Classes
​
  • How Turning to Torah Can Help Us Sift through A Lot of Confusion to Find the Right Path (with a special emphasis on chinuch)
​​
  • A Little Bit about My Journey of Discovery from "Imitation" (albeit well-intentioned) Chinuch to Authentic Torah Chinuch

Note #1: I purposely blurred details of negative experiences because I don't want any particular person identified. The purpose of this post isn't to malign a specific person. And for all I know, the authors or teachers have come to regret the above-mentioned approach & tactics. After all, I sure wouldn't want anyone judging me on something I said or wrote 20 years ago!

What if they completely regret some of the things they said or wrote, and wish they'd never even thought such things?

People change over time.

Note #2: Everything really is from Hashem and as much as the previously mentioned methods & tactics hurt both me & my children, the positive outcome has been that I've become zealous about giving regular people chizuk and build them up by focusing on their good points and what they're doing right, and especially to give chizuk and accolades to young mothers new to parenting.

Why?

Because I learned on my own cheshbon how detrimental is the opposite.

So that's a positive outcome of the pain & confusion.


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A Little Bit about My Journey of Discovery from "Imitation" (albeit well-intentioned) Chinuch to Authentic Torah Chinuch

14/6/2020

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When my 2 oldest boys were much younger (like ages 5 & 6, maybe?), I took them to visit a friend on Shabbos night until the men came home from davening.

This friend is one of those super-efficient super-competent types. Upon our arrival, she immediately showed my sons a toy she was sure they'd enjoy.

And they did.

Having never seen this particular toy before, they weren't sure how to use it. But they were pretty good at figuring out stuff & enjoyed figuring out stuff together, so I knew that would occupy them nicely & appreciated her thoughtfulness.

Then my friend noticed they were unfamiliar with the toy and immediately got down on the floor with them to show how it worked.

​She did so with a lot of friendly confidence, enabling each boy to have a turn and see how to do it himself.

According to the "textbook" approach, everything she did was exactly right.

Except that one of my boys (the one most like me) found it overwhelming.

For him, her proximity was too close, her face leaning down to smile at him was too much in his face, and her approach of showing him how to do it then intently watching him do it himself, and even her enthusiastic right-in-his-face "Great! You did a great job with that — what a smart boy!" was all too overwhelming.

He got that turtle-trying-to-huddle-into-his-shell posture while looking at her with wide eyes that clearly said "This is such a nice friendly lady — why is she digging so hard into my kishkes?"

Wholeheartedly identifying with him, yet not wanting to hurt my friend (because she was going out of her way to be so considerate of them & it's not her fault she can't read minds), I gently maneuvered him up to sit with me on the sofa and he looked much relieved.

"What's wrong?" my friend chirped, genuinely surprised as she leaned way too close to his face again. "It's okay if you didn't get it the first time! You were doing really well! Do you want to try it again? Do you want me to do it with you? C'mon, don't feel bad — I'll do it with you!"

I put a gentle, yet protective arm around my son who was again looking at her like he couldn't believe that such a nice friendly lady was totally frying out all his sensory nodes, and nicely explained to her that he was genuinely happy observing.

That wasn't completely true, of course.

The truth is that he was genuinely happy figuring out the toy with his not-much-older brother and would've been perfectly happy doing that.

​But now that the dynamic had changed, he felt much better sitting next to his mommy and observing the goings-on from the sofa.

Then she leaned a little too close (for his individual liking) and said, "You want to just watch? Are you sure? Well, that's okay! If you feel more comfortable just watching, then that's totally fine! But whenever you feel like coming down on the floor to play again, that's fine too!"

I found the whole thing amusing because she was being so helpful & accepting, but had no clue that for what they now call "a highly sensitive personality," her approach wasn't innately wrong or bad, but simply too overwhelming.

Like I said, I'm like this too, so I very much understood my son, but I also understood that my friend was totally innocent because highly sensitive children need telepathy in order to really meet their needs, and you simply can't win every single time.

My friend WAS being sensitive to his needs — just not in the way he truly needed.

So I made a mental note to speak with him later so that he'd feel normal & also understand more about people who can't read his mind so that he'll learn how to deal with such situations in the future.

What intrigued me, however, was the response of my other son: It was the exact opposite.

He LOVED her approach. He thrived on it.

He automatically moved close to her and got so close that he nearly melded with her.

He came alive and responded her remarks, asked her questions, and performed all the little maneuvers, thriving on all the attention and the positive response from her.

He was glowing.

When she needed to get up to attend to her own children, his body sagged in disappointment. He'd enjoyed the whole interplay with her so much.

When her husband came home from shul, it was hard to get my older son to leave and then he immediately wanted to know when he could come back again.

Attuning to a Different Psyche: Lesson Learned

Despite the fact that, of course, I knew that different children possess different natures and need to be dealt with accordingly, the above situation proved an eye-opening experience.

For example, I knew that some kids love sports and some kids hate sports.

Some kids are bookworms and some kids can't even finish a comic book.

And so on and on and on.

But it simply hadn't occurred to me that what I always perceived as an "invasive" approach that made me (and my second son, apparently) feel intensely uncomfortable would not only be so desirable to my older son, but be exactly what he needs to make him come alive & thrive!

That's a VERY big difference in approach. 

As we walked home that same Shabbat, I asked my older son how he liked my friend's interaction with him and why.

He was very enthusiastic about her and answered my questions as best he could. (He was very young, so I didn't expect much insight, but was happy with whatever I could get out of him because it was a learning experience for me too.)

At that point, I resolved to interact more with him in a way that felt unnatural to me because I saw that his innate nature really needed this type of highly involved interaction.

So I resolved to try harder to interact with him in a way that "gets into his kishkes" — which is what that feels like for me — because for him, it feels very caring & speaks to his deepest nature.

Some Handy Info regarding the Type Eight Personality

For those familiar with the Enneagram and the way to relate to the Type Eight child's personality (my older son's personality, which thrived on the intensely involved interaction), his response is no surprise.

For those unfamiliar with the Enneagram, Type Eights are the most stereotypically masculine type (including female Eights). And I mean that in a positive way. They're very independent, capable, savvy, decisive, assertive types who are not particularly fearful or insecure. They like to get things moving in life, whether in work or play.

You find these types a lot in the police, fire brigade, combat units, rescue units, competitive sports, leadership or managerial positions, and so on. A lot of businessmen & women are also Eights.

While talking about how to best raise an Eight child is a entire post in itself, let's just say that for them, consistency IS love. They don't differentiate between consistency & love...which means that a parent must be consistent at all times. 

This means sticking to the rules & standards of the home.

​It means being involved with them and always aware of where they are and what they're doing. (Admittedly, easier said than done.)

It also means being emotionally consistent (i.e., you the parent aren't ever too angry or too perky or too this or too that — as far as emotional expression goes, you are even-keeled). And yes, it's a massive challenge for those of us with very emotional natures.

You can learn more about this personality type here: Type Eight — The Enneagram Institute.

There is No-One-Size-Fits-All in Chinuch. There isn't Even 3-Sizes-Fit-All in Chinuch.

Anyway, I was taking a chinuch course at that time, and the above situation was my first inkling that the very idea of "one general method" applicable to all children cannot be correct.

And therefore, it cannot be effective.

Having said that, yes, of course, chinuch teachers acknowledge that there are different types of personalities. The course I attended back then also did (kind of), and even offered (superficial) tips for dealing with this or that personality.

The problem is it still lacked a lot of insight and depth necessary to relate to EACH child properly.

And the course only entertained one or two personality types outside the "norm" (which doesn't really exist either).

And when the general methods either did NOT work on my child — or even worse, when they backfired and MADE LIFE WORSE, there was no chinuch book or consultant who helped me.

In fact, speaking privately with the chinuch teacher (when I could get a hold of the teacher) not only did not help, but made things worse — including make me feel worse about myself.

Ultimately, reading Miriam Adahan's book on the Enneagram (Awareness: The Key to Acceptance, Forgiveness, and Growth) and then intense study of the Enneagram via Riso & Hudson's Enneagram books helped me identify & understand my son's psyche.

That, combined with listening to adult Eights describe their experiences as children, plus my own observations of what worked with them and what did not, enabled the formulation of a personalized method for dealing with the Eight personality.

But by then, he was eleven and it was almost too late.

He'd been raised mostly wrong for his nature.

Now please don't misunderstand.

I really love him and he loves me too.

​I really like how he has turned out, but I also see where I failed him.

I feel bad where I didn't parent him according to HIS needs — according to his particular and valuable psyche.

Type Eight is a great personality. These people are valuable assets to the world.

But it takes both savvy & resolve to raise them right.

I'm also resentful (yes — even after all these years!) of the "experts" who gave me such harmful advice AND made me feel bad about myself as a person & a mother in the process.

Intellectually, I know I shouldn't be resentful. After all, they meant well and anyway, it was all from Hashem for my own good.

In a nutshell, it's much easier to do teshuvah for your own wrong thinking & wrong actions.

​At the same time, it is significantly more challenging to do teshuvah over ANOTHER PERSON'S wrong thinking & wrong actions (which is what following bad advice actually is).

Why It's So Important to be Nice & Supportive toward New Mothers of Young Children

​Furthermore, young mothers tend to be very vulnerable because they are so young & overwhelmed with all their tasks, yet also very idealistic & impressionable & willing to do anything for their family.

So that combination makes them very vulnerable.

And their youth & inexperience & idealistic desperation to do anything for their children makes it easy to convince them to do the wrong thing (for their situation).

And their youth & inexperience & impressionability also makes it easy to make them feel bad about themselves.

​And from personal observation & experience, I promise you that a mother CANNOT parent well if she feels bad about HERSELF.

It doesn't matter what personality she has or how good her middot are.

I've seen this again and again and again: As long as the mother feels bad about HERSELF, she will not be able to parent her children properly.

​Too much emotional energy gets sucked into just keeping her head above water while she's lugging these negative feelings around.

I understand the good intentions behind the not-so-good methods of a lot of chinuch people.

Also, whether we're teachers or parents, we're bound to make mistakes and miss important cues no matter how hard we try and how good our intentions are.

That's all normal. Only Hashem is perfect.

But I still do not understand making mothers feel bad about themselves or making them feel like there's something wrong with them for things like...feeling overwhelmed about very normal aspects mothering.

And stuff like that.

Some Gems from an Authentic Torah Source You Can Trust: The Pele Yoetz

Ultimately, I started turning to Chazal for wisdom & guidance.

I wanted to see for myself if all the stuff people kept spouting (while claiming derivation from "authentic Torah sources!") was true.

After all, it sure wasn't working for me.

And it so closely resembled the pop psych I'd read as a teenager, plus psychology and sociology classes I'd taken in college. It surprised to me to constantly encounter those secular Western methods and ideas in the frum world being touted as authentic Torah hashkafah.

And when I started reading Chazal, I discovered that their methods & claims simply were not true after all. (They weren't lying per se, but getting caught up in what they believed were good ideas and then finagled Torah sources to fit their philosophies.)

You can read another example of that type of thing here: Seeking Advice. Please scroll down to the section titled: The Explosion of Learning Secular Psychology Amongst Torah Jews.

And just to be clear: I don't think it's automatically bad to use studies and the observations of psychologists.

​I use them myself sometimes.

​For example, if someone observed a pattern in 1000 similar situations, then that person's observations probably contain some helpful information.

But people shouldn't receive the impression it's from authentic Torah thought or an authentic Torah tradition. It's actually from a 20-year study or Dr. Spock or The Dance of Anger or I'm Okay—You're Okay, John Bradshaw or 5 Love Languages, or an article by a frum psychologist in a frum magazine...and NOT from King Shlomo's Mishlei or Rav Dessler or a Jewish grandmother's actual massoret (chain of tradition).

(The truth is, sometimes I think that they themselves did not realize what their actual source was. These things can get mixed together in one's mind. So again, it's good intentions with not such a good result.)

The truth is that I'm more resentful of making mother feel really bad & despairing than I am of the actual bad advice​ because the advice was given in good faith, but as for the accompanying attitude...?

At one point, I discovered the Pele Yoetz by Rav Eliezer Papo and when he spoke about child-rearing, he spoke about raising a child according to the individuality of EACH child.

In fact, that WAS his general advice!

Here it is in the chapter Ahavat Habanim v'habanot/Love of the Sons & the Daughters:
...hakol l'fi mah sheh hu haben...

...everything according to whatever is the child...

​*

Haklal hu: l'fi daato u'middotav shel ben, ha'av tzarich l'hitnaheg imo b'ofen sheh lo yecheta.

The rule is — according to the mind and character of a child: The father needs to behave with him in a way that he [the child] won't sin.

So that's the primary goal right there, and everything you do with your child needs to maintain this goal in mind.

​And goal is to prevent the child from sinning.

AND you need to do it according to EACH child's INDIVIDUAL daat & middot.

When Rav Papo declares something to be "the rule," it should really make us stand up and take notice.

​So there we go.

Throughout the book, Rav Papo says that raising a child to prevent him or her from sinning requires fluidity:

Sometimes you need to speak to a child and sometimes you need to remain silent.

​Sometimes you need to show a child that you noticed what he or she did, and other times, it's best to pretend you are deaf, blind, and mute.

Sometimes you need to be strict with your child, but sometimes you should nullify your will before the child's will.

That's what he says.

It depends all on what's best for THAT INDIVIDUAL CHILD, according that child's INDIVIDUAL AGE, and his or her INDIVIDUAL MIND, and his or her INDIVIDUAL PERSONALITY QUALITIES.

That's what he says in the book. Literally:
​
  • "shanav (his years, i.e. his age)"
  • "middotav (his qualities, his personality traits")
  • "daato (his mind)"

He repeats these principles throughout the book.

When I was learning chinuch, the chinuch teachers would SAY they were doing the above, but then not really do it.

For example, a chinuch teacher might make a rule about 5-year-olds.

On one hand, that's good.

They're taking his age (shanav) into account.

On the other hand, not all 5-year-olds are the same.

Different 5-year-olds have different daat & middot.

So you can't generally say "Do this-and-such" with 5-year-old without taking into account "daato" and "middotav."

This is also true for obstinate children, rebellious children, hyper children, emotional children, and so on.

Not all obstinate children are obstinate for the same reason — ditto with rebellious or hyper or emotional children. (Or any other type.)

Shanav, middotav, daato.

Obstinate children, rebellious children, etc. are not clones of each other. Believe me.

Also, boys & girls are different. I'm not talking about easier or harder.

Different.

Meaning, what works for your female chinuch teacher in her class of first-grade girls or ninth-grade girls or what works for her mostly girl family and her sons interspersed among sisters (as opposed to having other boys near his age) will most likely NOT work for your boy-only family when you have 4 of them under the age of 7 and the oldest is a Type Eight.

​Seriously.

Rav Papo also emphasized that a parent's love of his or her children MUST emanate from a love of Hashem.

Do they ever discuss loving Hashem in a chinuch class or a chinuch book?

Not that I ever heard. Your experience may be different. (To be fair, I mostly do not read much modern chinuch, except for regularly reading Rav Avigdor Miller and also Rav Shimon Gruen's newsletter, both of which I benefit from a lot, and other material I come across...IF I consciously decide it might be helpful. In the interest of full disclosure, I also receive Dr. John Rosemond's monthly newsletter, but that is more for the purposes of entertainment and/or gratification, plus to keep tabs on what's going on in the Western world of parenting.)

It could easily be that the chinuch people did not even know that love of children should emanate from love of Hashem.

It could be an honest mistake because if they never read Pele Yoetz, then how would they know?

Or it could be that they both knew & mentioned this in their classes & books, but simply felt it more practical to focus on practical methods rather than the ideology. 

Maybe chinuch people are emphasizing ahavat Hashem now as it relates to chinuch. I do not know. They weren't when I had young children, not in books and not in lectures.

But anyway, that's the basis for parental love — and the Pele Yoetz is an "authentic Torah source" you can count on.

​Here is more about that from 
Ahavat Habanim V'habanot/Love of the Sons & the Daughters:
V'gam ahavah zo tzarich sheh tahei nimshechet m'ahavat haMakom...ki zeh kol pri habanim v'habanot sheh yiyu osim ratzon Koneihem...Lachen, zeh yiyeh kol magamato b'ahavat banav l'kayem mitzvat Boro la'asot nachat ruach l'Yotzro.

And also, this love needs to emanate from the love of God...because that is the entire fruit of sons and daughters, that they'll perform the will of their Creator...

​Therefore, this should be one's entire focus in his love for his sons and daughters: to fulfill the mitzvah of one's Creator — to grant nachas ruach [spiritual gratification] to one's Creator.

KOL magamato — one's ENTIRE focus?

Rav Papo isn't mincing words here.

If your entire focus & goal of loving your children should be for them to produce nachat ruach for Hashem, then don't you think that should be discussed regularly in chinuch classes or books? 

Meaning, maybe we should regularly praise our children by saying things like, "Good girl for doing netilat yadayim — you just made Hashem VERY happy!"

Most people say "good girl" (or "good boy"). But according to the Pele Yoetz, we need emphasize Hashem's Happiness with the action. (Actually, a lot of parents do emphasize Hashem's Happiness, by the way. That's great. But it apparently needs to be a major focus of chinuch classes. Maybe it is now. But it wasn't when I was in that phase.)

The other major emphasis of the Pele Yoetz is: parental tefillah.

He even wrote special prayers for parents to say over their children.

From the chapter Chinuch/Educating the Youth:
V'al hakol lishpoch nafsho lifnei Hashem sheh lo yiyu chatotav monim hatov mimeno, v'sheh yiyeh kol zaro zera kodesh kadoshim, zera anashim.

And over everything — to pour out one's soul before Hashem that one's sins won't prevent the good from coming to him and that all his seed [offspring] should be seed of the holy of holies, the seed of people.

By the way, the Pele Yoetz offers even more guidance throughout the book than what's noted here.

And also, in the interest of full disclosure, as mentioned above, I still read what modern chinuch experts say. I'm just much more discerning now & really limit it.

Whatever non-Chazal material I look at is read with the above principles in mind.

For example, if I see that an expert discusses an issue with which I'm struggling, I examine what they say about it and then act according to my own perception of their advice and my situation.

Meaning, sometimes I'll follow their advice to the letter; other times, I'll utilize their advice but make adjustments to fit my child & my situation.

And according to the Pele Yoetz, that's exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

Endnotes

Note #1:
To see the Pele Yoetz with your own eyes, please go to:
https://itorah.com/pele-yoetz

Find the chapter you wish to see.

Press on the arrow to hear a class by Rabbi Eli Mansour about that chapter or click on the 3 dots to the right of the chapter and choose whether you wish to read the chapter in the original Hebrew or in the English translation.

Note #2:
The above translations of the Pele Yoetz are my own, and therefore, any errors are also mine.

Note #3
Lately, I've been moving away from the Enneagram to learn the system frequently mentioned by Chazal, that of the 4 Elements (and also because, based on their last book, the non-Jewish proponents of the Enneagram seem to be drifting toward Eastern mysticism). But I'm grateful that Hashem sent me the Enneagram when I needed it & this post mostly refers to that time.

Note #4
Not everything in the chinuch classes & books was either ineffective or harmful. Some of it was genuinely helpful. But the helpful stuff (like how to potty-train) I either could've gotten from my Yerushalmi neighbors or figured out with a few minutes of focused thought and conversation with Hashem (like the importance of even a few minutes of one-on-one time with each child on a more-or-less daily basis).


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