I always find it very hard to relate to the times when either Beit Hamikdash was standing.

Meaning, I find it hard to visualize what it must have been like, what exactly it gave to us and what exactly we lack now.

It's hard to know what you've never experienced.
 
Part of the problem is that you read about how things operated, yet at the same time, people started acting like it wasn’t there and all sorts of crazy things happened, like all the times a fake Kohen Gadol went into the Kodesh Kadoshim (Holy of Holies), he entered with a rope around his ankle so that when he dropped dead (Kodesh Kadoshim doesn’t suffer fakes), the people could pull him out for burial without endangering themselves.
 
Everything about the Beit Hamikdash was set up to make doing the right thing easier and doing the wrong thing harder.

It was also set up to atone for when Jews did do the wrong thing because as Rebbe Levi Yitzchack Bender said in Words of Faith, the rituals in the Beit Hamikdash didn’t allow sin to settle on a Jew overnight because the Jewish soul cannot carry sin.

​Yet today we are forced to carry our sins overnight and even for years. (Unless we sit with Hashem every day to do a cheshbon nefesh…or at least, we immediately acknowledge our sin and ask forgiveness.)
 
So here’s my best shot at what it must have been like:

First of all, the Beit Hamikdash hit all your senses in the most sublime way:

• the air was imbued with the scent of Ketoret and the roasting meat of the korbonot
• you heard the melodies of the Leviim singing as they played their flutes, horns, harps, and drums
• you saw the tremendous beauty of marble, gold, and copper all around you
• the techeilet color worn by the Kohanim was not just a sky blue, but a deep, rich azure
• you walked barefoot on smooth marble
• the emotional atmosphere consisted of profound spirituality, which included sincere teshuvah and lofty joy.
• healing of past traumas came so easily
• it was easy to feel unity, Hashem’s Love along with your own love for others, and forgiveness.

 
(Please see the Kli Yakar on detailed symbolism of the Mishkan and the Kodesh Kadoshim.)

Scent
Today, we know that some scents can be described as “heady.” Furthermore, inhaling certain substances can even make you high. But it’s a false demonic high.

Scent is incredibly powerful; you probably have known the experience of catching a smell you haven’t smelled in years and being taken back to that original experience (whether for good or for bad).
 
Yet the scent of the Ketoret was special.

Made with specific ingredients in specific amounts, it enhanced the spiritual experience with total purity.

Ketoret was Holy and by inhaling it, you became infused with untainted Holiness and spirituality.

This gave you a shortcut of sorts to the very things we fight so hard for today: teshuvah, feeling close to Hashem, davening with a focused mind and a captivated heart…

Ketoret also repelled flies, and nullified scorpions and snakes wherever the scent wafted.

​Ketoret could also stop even the most rabid plague.

Even today, just reading the Ketoret service provides powerful protection against disease, family disharmony, and klippot (forces of spiritual impurity) while opening channels of success (both financial and spiritual).

If that’s true of just its reading, imagine what being infused with its scent must have been like!

(See more at How Ketoret Proctects against Spiritual Tumah.)

The Scent and Sight of the Korbonot Experience
Many modern Jews struggle to relate to the Korbonot (Sacrifices).

In short, Korbonot were performed with specific actions in specific amounts on specific animals. Everything was highly symbolic and the Kohanim themselves dedicated themselves out of heartfelt concern for the errant Jews offering the Korbonot and out of their own personal sense of intimacy with Hashem.

​Living within the Beit Hamikdash as it were, the Kohanim were constantly infused with the entire atmosphere - heart, body, and soul.

The entire physical ritual of the Korbonot reflected a spiritual process which affected the baal teshuvah on the inside by spiritually cremating all that person’s bad thoughts and taavot that led to the sin in the first place!

But as people began to relate to the Korbonot by rote, they clogged the opening for the spiritual effect to penetrate, which also clogged the preventive effect.

In other words, those offering the korbon didn’t want the atonement and prevention enough. Going through the motions was enough for them, tragically speaking.
 
(See the Kli Yakar on more detailed symbolism of the  Kohanim and the Ketoret and here for a short explanation of how the Korbonot worked on an inner spiritual level.)

Music
Ah, music…this is what I’m affected by the most. I could get lost within just the right song.

Today, popular music is calculated and produced to hit a person’s brain in just the right way.

Producers have fine-tuned tempo, chord structure, beat, and timing to a science.

Just the “right” song can pull you from a lively mood into one of longing, nostalgia, or tears within minutes. Yet just the “right” upbeat song can imbue renewed energy and cheer to a gloomy person, even igniting him to dance.

Today’s music has been one of the strongest influences in society’s downward spiral.

(TV/movies and books/newspapers are its competition for what gets First Place in the promotion of immoral gunk.)

I even read a disturbing account of a prisoner in a torture chamber during the Balkan War of the Nineties whose guitar-playing inflamed tired or uninterested torturers back into torture-mode.
​
(And no, he wasn’t forced to play. Sick, I know.)
 
But the music of the Beit Hamikdash hit all the right notes—literally. Every note, every instrument, every voice was meant to uplift your heart in the purest and most genuine way.

With today’s heavy bass pounding away in even the frummest venues, it’s hard to imagine the profound and heart-lifting effect of soft drums, flutes, harps, clear horns, and Levite tenors and baritones on the heart of a Jew among the infusion of Ketoret surrounded by marble and rich gleaming metals.

Back then, occult worship offered an easy-come-easy-go coating of feelings and results.

But for all the occult incense, you had the equally compelling Ketoret.

For the alluring music of the idolaters, you had the equally compelling symphony of the Leviim. For all the glitter and glory of the temples of Baal, Dagon, and Aphrodite, you had the stunning magnificence of the Beit Hamikdash to surpass them all (as stated in the Talmud Sukkah 51b).
 
Yet today...

Reading/Learning

• People complain that frum books (whether non-fiction or novels) just aren’t as compelling as secular books.
• And which article do you turn to first in a frum magazine - the dvar Torah or the newest chapter of the serial novel or news feature?
• Does a blog post on a dvar Torah ever get nearly the same number of comments as a post on something more current and "exciting"?

Music
And even the most insulated frum people perceive frum music as so lacking that they need to spice it up by taking the worst of non-Jewish music and applying it to frum lyrics and Torah verses.

Holy niggunim crafted by tzaddikim “need” bass and synthesizer added to make them appealing to a frum audience today.

In fact, one of the hardest things to let go of for those Jewish children (and I mean those who remembered their love of Judaism and had grown up in committed Torah families) hidden in convents and monasteries during the Shoah were the songs and melodies of the idolatrous religious services.

Physical Beauty and Impressiveness
And is there a shul that rivals in physical beauty the Vatican or Eastern temples or the more exquisitely designed mosques?  

Look at the Kotel remnant of our Beit Hamikdash: pigeons roosting among moss in its crevices, old lumpy stones speckled with erosion and bird-droppings…it’s still beautiful to me and to so many others, but to the physical eye, can it compare to what the other nations have?

In December, drive through the streets of America and look at a Jewish home with its Chanukiyah in the window next to the light-shows decorating the lawns and houses of the non-Jewish neighbors.
​
How many Jewish children have begged their parents to put up "Chanukah lights" ("Just blue and white lights, Mom and Dad! Pleeeease?") or begged for a tree?

Scents
And how many people find the smell of cigarettes, marijuana, perfume (with names like Poison or Opium or Obsession or Fantasy), and incense more alluring than the aroma of baking challahs and chocolate yeast cakes, simmering cholent, roses in a vase on the Shabbat table, or the Havdalah spice?

​With the Destruction of the Beit Hamikdash, pure and true spirituality went underground in a sense. Today, you have to dig for it.

Back in the time of the Beit Hamikdash, all you had to do was go there and you had something that was obviously better in every way than anything the nations had to offer.

(Not to mention the mere fact of its existence and operation contributed something to your spiritual efforts even if you were physically far from the Beit Hamikdash.)

Today, we strive to give our hearts a boost by davening at the gravesites of holy tzaddikim, going to holy people for blessings, and going to the Kotel, the last standing remnant of the Beit Hamikdash.

But even with that, so much still depends on us working ourselves up to it.

Sometimes, a Jew visits a holy tzaddik and feels…nothing. A nice guy, to be sure, but nothing more than that.

I know of FFB Jews who heard about the holiness of and special experiences at the Kotel only to finally arrive there in person and feel…nothing.

I myself would go visit holy gravesites, only to feel disappointed at feeling…nothing.

Now I feel more at gravesites, but nothing nearly as strong as what I feel at the Kotel.

Interestingly, even though I still feel something special at the Kotel each time I go, it doesn’t compare to that initial wallop of spirituality and holiness I felt the first several times I went to the Kotel as a secular teenager completely immersed in a non-Jewish lifestyle.

My point is that even with the spiritual boosts we have today, there are no guarantees even if you really, really want that boost.
​
(Really, you should hear the disappointment saturating the voice of a Jew who really wanted what the Kotel had to offer, but just didn't feel anything. It's heartbreaking.)
 
Yet in the times of the Beit Hamikdash, all you had to do was want what it had to offer—and you got it. Guaranteed!
 
Today, you have to struggle SO HARD for every little drop of spiritual inspiration…and even then, your achievement within that exertion varies from moment to moment.

And even when you get it, how long can you maintain it?

And no matter how much you want it, not only can you not necessarily maintain it, you often can’t even get there at all.

(Fortunately, any spiritual effort reaps massive dividends in the Upper Realms even if you don't sense a darn thing down here.)

May our Beit Hamikdash be rebuilt and restored to its former glory speedily in our days.

One of the big mistakes of secular psychology is the idea that you can’t really change because you are "diseased" or "traumatized" or "abused" or the child of an alcoholic/etc.

(You may indeed by traumatized or have been abused or be the child of an alcoholic, but that is not all you are. It isn't even the main part of who you are, even though it may understandably feel like an overwhelming part of you at times.)

In addiction therapy, clients are often programmed to see themselves forevermore as addicts.
 
In today’s world, a person who hasn’t had one drink in 10 years will still call himself an alcoholic.
 
“Alcoholism is a disease,” they’ll tell you. “It advances within your body even when you’re not drinking. That’s why if you have a few drinks after several years of abstinence, you’ll get drunk much faster and feel sicker.”
 
Ooh, it all sounds so sinister!
 
The thing is, the reason why you get drunker and sicker after 3 beers rather than your former 8 is because you built up tolerance back then and needed more to get you drunk. Now your tolerance is way down (baruch Hashem!) and so it all hits you harder and faster. No disease, just normal body chemistry.
 
This Western idea of defining people by one negative trait, even when they do everything they can to resist that trait, is very damaging—because it just isn’t true.
 
YOU are not an alcoholic when you’ve been sober for 10 years.

YOU are your soul, which emanates from a special place in Heaven.

I mean, what do you think your soul was doing back in the Heichal Haneshamot (Palace of Souls)? Swigging back martinis? Nope!
 
I read about a former alcoholic who insisted on having one beer a day just for the discipline of not having a second beer. He did this for years and never got drunk.
Is he an alcoholic?
 
In Judaism, we have the idea of a “baal [fill-in-the-blank].”

“Baal” means “master of” or “owner of.” It also means “husband,” so it implies that you are married to the trait.

• A person consumed with pride is called a “baal gaava.”
• A person consumed with base physical desire is called a “baal taava.”
• A person addicted to lashon hara is a “baal lashon hara.”

​Not someone who occasionally indulges in the above or someone who struggles hourly fighting the above. But someone who genuinely and regularly indulges in the above.
 
Yet there is the good side too:

• A person consumed with emuna is called a “baal emuna.”
• A person just bursting to the seams with good traits is called a “baal middot.”
• A particularly generous donator of charity is called a “baal tzedakah.”
• And a person who has repented of his sinful ways is called a “baal teshuvah.”

 
If you no longer drink yourself into oblivion, you are not an alcoholic, nor are you a recovering alcoholic. You are a baal teshuvah (at least in this area).
 
In fact, there is an idea in Judaism that true teshuvah transforms you into a new creation. Meaning that you yourself are a new entity of sorts, spiritually speaking.
 
This idea that you are always an addict of some sort, a recovering [fill-in-the-blank], or anything else negative is fear-based thinking. It means that you always have to be vigilant because you could come crashing down at any moment, no matter how much work you’ve done on yourself and no matter how much progress you’ve made.
 
All your efforts and investment are pretty much meaningless because you are an alcoholic.
 
Except that you aren’t.
 
Yes, Rebbe Nachman of Breslov said that this world is a very narrow bridge…BUT.
He also said in the same sentence that the main thing is to have NO FEAR AT ALL.
 
(In the interest of full disclosure, I actually have a lot of fears and anxieties. But my goal is to rid myself of them. NO FEAR is my destination of choice.)
 
Pride also plays a part in this. People overcoming a trait often take a great deal of pride in doing so.

But really, we should feel pleasure, not pride. It’s great to feel pleasure at overcoming your demons and to feel flushed with gratitude at how much Hashem, in His Great Love for you, is helping you overcome all your stuff.
 
But people can get so dependent on that burst of pride they feel every time they overcome their anger/alcoholism/envy/fear/laziness/etc, that they just focus on that and can’t see much beyond it.
 
This “Damaged-and-Doomed” Model so popular in Psychology is neither true nor helpful. In fact, I think it’s telling that they insist that the only road to healing is to spend years paying LOTS of money to your therapist, who promotes this model.
 
Self-serving? Not consciously so, but yeah.
 
You are not your flaws.
 
As long as you are consciously working on rectifying your flaws with Hashem, you are NOT defined by that flaw.

Yes, you may act out in wonky ways sometimes because of how bad experiences have affected you. You may feel worn out from fighting your demons all the time.
 
However...

You are not an alcoholic, a druggie, a pothead, a heretic, a liar, a bum, a hopeless case, a manic-depressive, a Narcissist, a space cadet, a jerk, a glutton, a [female dog], a klutz, a wimp, or anything else as long as you are actively trying not to be one.
 
Even if you sometimes fall on your face as you struggle, those falls do not define you.

You are not your flaws.

 
When I was researching personality disorders, one person came up with the following question:
 
If you recognize Narcissist or Borderline thinking in yourself, but you don’t act on it—instead, you recognize it, acknowledge them, and deal with it within yourself…does that make you Borderline or Narcissist? Meaning, if I identify with a lot of the feelings and emotional reactions common in personality disorders, does that mean that I have a personality disorder, even if I recognize them as irrational and refuse to act on them?
 
The therapist basically answered that the thoughts or feelings themselves—that initial pang of envy, that initial inner flash of rage, that initial sense of being knocked off balance when your black-and-white opinions are upset—these are actually pretty normal. She explained that the main problem is when these feelings mushroom out of control without the person realizing what’s going on.

She also recommended that the Borderline/Narcissist feelings be addressed at their root.
 
But there’s more to it than that.

Your Thoughts & Actions vs. Your Feelings & Inclinations
A midrash about Moshe Rabbeinu relates that a life-like portrait of Moshe Rabbeinu was made and sent to wise men skilled in facial analysis. Shockingly, they reported seeing several very negative traits reflected in Moshe Rabbeinu’s features, including arrogance even though Moshe Rabbeinu was the humblest man who ever lived. Yet when asked about this later, Moshe Rabbeinu answered that yes, he had these traits but had worked to rectify them.
 
The truth is that there is a world of difference between someone who says, “This person didn’t say hi to me when she passed by…how dare she! I HATE HER GUTS! Who does she think she is, snubbing me like that—especially in public!!!” And then telling the incident over like this to another person, justifying the lashon hara as “l’toelet” because she’s so overwrought by the experience and needs to get it off her chest or else she can’t function—and anyway, the other person deserves it because she publicly insulted and humiliated her…
 
…and someone who says, “This person didn’t say hi to me when she passed by…ouch! I hate this kind of thing. It always throws me off. Anyway, I wonder what that’s all about…did she really not see me? Maybe…or maybe she’s distracted? Or maybe she doesn’t like me, but for a reason. Maybe I did something wrong.” (Hatred starts welling up.) “No, I don’t want to hate her. That’s so stupid! Maybe everything’s actually fine and it’s an innocent oversight. Or maybe I really did do something offensive. (Doesn’t do anything nor plan to do anything to “retaliate” because doesn’t like hurting people.) Gosh, I really hate this kind of thing. I hate feeling so crazy and getting thrown off balance by such little things. Normal people don’t feel this way.”
 
The second person is aware that such an extreme reaction of hurt and hate is not appropriate. The second person is also aware that there exist a variety of reasons to explain the snub—one of which might even be the fault of the second person. The second person also feels enough compassion to want to avoid hurting the one who possibly snubbed her and who may actually be an innocent person.
 
Once, I had a neighbor who said, “There are so many snobby people in this building. When we pass each other in the stairwell, they don’t even say hi!”
 
I was confused. “You mean that they don’t respond to your greeting?”
 
She immediately tossed her head and looked away, mumbling something.
 
“Do you say hi to them?” I asked.
 
She made a scoffing noise. “Oh, so I have to be the one to say hi to everybody?!”
 
Now, a lot of people actually do feel uncomfortable when they pass acquaintances, and the acquaintance or neighbor ignores them. Yet these same people are able to rationalize, “Well, I didn’t greet them either.” And they may even feel silly for having feelings of resentment or hurt, realizing on their own that it’s pretty narcissistic and irrational to not only expect people to greet them first, but to even feel outraged and offended when they never extend the same courtesy.
 
So it’s not the fact that you have the feeling or are inclined to certain behaviors.
 
It’s how you think about these feelings and behaviors and what you do with them that defines who you are and whether you are on a path of growth.

• If you can recognize that a certain emotional reaction is irrational or out of proportion to the inciting incident—then GREAT!

 

• And if, based on that awareness, you desire restrain your behavior because you don’t want to hurt anybody or humiliate yourself—then GREAT!

 
However, the Jewish way goes deeper than that.

How to Really Straighten Out Your Flaws and Your Flawed Thinking
While recognizing that your own initial reaction is unreasonable and judging the “offender” favorably are both very good, the awareness that the alleged offense is from Hashem (whether the person meant to offend you or not) is of prime importance.
 
And further recognizing that the “offense” is to your benefit (again, whether the person meant it or not), either as an atonement to clean your Heavenly Slate and pave the way for a Lovely Eternity or as a message of some sort (or both).
 
You can’t help having the inborn traits you have or the having had the experiences that trigger irrational or extreme emotions.

Those were forced upon you. You never had a choice.
 
But how you deal with them is what eventually makes you great.

While modern psychology is very into self-love, self-compassion, and self-esteem, etc., the truth is that you just don’t find such concepts within Torah literature.
(We'll get to what you do find in just a moment.)
 
On the other hand, self-hatred is strongly discouraged within Torah literature as it is just plain wrong and incorrect.
 
Here is the Torah’s take on self-image:

• Your soul itself is holy.
• Your soul belongs to Hashem and was given to you straight from Hashem.
• Your good points are imprinted within your soul by Hashem. (Therefore, you can’t take credit for them, but you can be thankful for and rejoice over them.)
• Your flaws were added by Hashem as removable “rust” or a “coating” (called klippah in Torah literature) because the process of repairing these flaws (i.e. removing that klippah) is good for your soul’s rectification, and the work you do in this area increases the wonderfulness of your ultimate Eternity in your Afterlife.

 
(May you live in robust health until 120!)
 
So what is there to hate?

• Your soul, which is holy and pure, and comes from a holy Abode?
• Or Hashem, Whom it is absolutely forbidden to hate and Whom we are commanded to love with all our heart?

Don't hate yourself. Self-hatred is based on self-deception.
 
However, if you believe that you are basically decent person, but that you just have some flaws to tackle (which is the truth), then you are probably a pretty nice person to be around and your head is probably a nice place to be too.
 
For example...

Andrea and Nora
Andrea vaguely noticed Nora pulling a suitcase into the cafeteria of her baal teshuvah seminary. Public announcements were being made and that’s what Andrea was paying attention to.

Later, Andrea and Nora ended up becoming friends and Nora said, “You know, when I first arrived it was so weird. I show up from America lugging this big suitcase, I’m totally new and disoriented…and no one says a word to me! No one even seemed to notice!”

Suddenly, the image of Nora standing there with her suitcase popped into Andrea’s head, causing Andrea a sting of recognition: She was one of those people who hadn’t noticed the new girl, just off the plane and in a foreign environment.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” said Andrea. “I think I was one of those people. It’s just that people are coming and going all the time, and there was a crowd and the public announcements, it just didn’t seem like something to notice. But you’re right, people should be more sensitive and welcoming.”

Nora laughed and said, “Yeah, I know that with such a transitory population, it’s easy not to notice. I realized that later when I saw how nice everybody actually was.” With a giggle, she added, “But I just think that there should be some warning, like maybe on the application, that this could happen!”

As Andrea smiled, Nora said, “How did you feel when you first arrived?”

“I didn’t arrive like you,” said Andrea. “I had a friend here, and she brought me over to her room and immediately introduced me to her dorm mates. That’s probably why I didn’t realize that new arrivals actually need more attention.”

From then on, Andrea resolved to pay more attention if someone was new, and especially if the new girl seemed lost or overwhelmed.
 
Because Andrea:

• sees herself as basically decent

and

• does NOT feel that a flaw indicates that she is innately loathsome and undeserving of any respect or love, she sees other people’s flaws the same way: as mere blips that we all have.

She sees them as basically good people who didn’t realize they were doing something wrong or insensitive. And in most cases, that's the truth.

It also enables Andrea to do teshuvah because while she feels a pang at seeing her flaws, she doesn’t feel like they’re a condemnation of her very being.

So even though Andrea has the same blind-spots we all have, she doesn’t fear her flaws as much as a self-hater does.

The Key to Self-Improvement is Self-Azamra!
Rebbe Nachman insists that you find at least one good point in yourself.

("Azamra" means "I will sing" and comes from the word "zemer," which Malbim defines as thanking and praising Hashem for His personal Supervision and miracles; it's a higher level of song than “shir” and adds to “shir.”)

Basically, if you feel that you are redeemable despite your flaws (and you are), then you will feel that others are redeemable despite their flaws too.

And...if you feel that you are redeemable no matter what you've done, then you will be open to seeing your flaws and doing teshuvah.

Therefore, a person with innately more or more serious flaws but who perceives himself as redeemable can end up becoming a very good and rectified person.

But a person with innately fewer or trifling flaws who perceives himself as irredeemable and loathsome (even if that perception is unconscious and he gives lip service to the idea that anyone can do teshuvah) will end up becoming a very nasty and harsh person...even though he started off at a naturally higher level than the person with more and deeper flaws.

(Although if he at any point suddenly decided to see himself as redeemable and realize that his klippah is from Hashem, then he start turning himself around pretty quickly.)

Anyway, the decision is up to each of us.

May we all recognize the holy and precious potential within us.

As is well-known, Rebbe Nachman’s so-called “fairy tales” are actually parables soaked with profound and holy symbolism.

Part of the symbolism is that the history of the world and also of the Jewish people is contained within each story. A person's individual history is also contain within each of Rebbe Nachman's Tales.
 
Just reading or hearing any of the 13 Tales is spiritually healing and can cause you to have musings of teshuvah, even if you don’t realize it—particularly The Lost Princess.
 
And while I’m a clam compared to Rebbe Nachman, I thought I would take his basic idea and tell over the story of my life as if it was a fairy tale with my soul providing the symbolism.
 
Furthermore, there must be a reason why Rebbe Nachman chose symbolism and why he specifically chose  fairy-tale symbolism. (After all, he could have just as easily used farm animals like Orwell did.)
 
So I figured witches, giants, talking animals, and princesses were the way to go.
 
I didn’t plan anything or officially assign any specific characters, i.e. “I will be a princess and my 10th-grade English teacher will be a troll…” Nope, it just ended up being very stream-of-consciousness (and fun too).
 
And it was unexpectedly effective.
 
I did this in a long session once, then invested another couple short sessions trying to work out the symbolic knot (“How do I get the Sunflower Princess out of the ice tower?” - not my actual visualization.)
 
By the way, I think that the symbolic struggle to work out a solution to the symbolic obstacle is an important part of the healing process or the process of inner progression. You are gathering kindling to light a fire at the base of the ice castle to slowly melt it and release the Sunflower Princess, but your subconscious/soul-conscious mind is doing something else, something that your struggle or solution represents.
 
Anyway, two things happened:
1) I got clarity on certain issues and where I was stuck in life. The fairy tale symbolism allowed me to see things from an outsider’s vantage point, giving me an objectivity that I didn’t have otherwise. It was also very validating for some reason.
 
2) I noticed a difference in myself a couple of days later, as if something had been solved or healed without me actively causing it. After that, things just started to come together.
 
I did this orally with Hashem, but you can certainly write it down.
Maybe you can even paint or draw it or play it on your violin or do an interpretive dance about it, if that’s where your soul-expression takes you.

I don’t think there is a “wrong” way to do this.

• Just sit down and start talking or writing (or whatever your preferred method of expression is).
• Let your soul guide you and see what comes up.
• If you get stuck, try to work through the obstacle or “knot” according to the fairy tale symbolism.

 
While I did a life-story, I assume you could also do this over one specific situation.

For example, if you’re having problems at work (“And then the ginormous eternally hungry troll came stomping through the tulips, while the little Tulip Prince had only his matchstick sword to defend himself…”) or your marriage or neighbors or children (“And then the king and queen gave birth to a banshee…”) or your health…or anything.
 
Hatzlacha Rabbah!

One part in particular stood out, a letter from the Chafetz Chaim regarding the behavior of those still sincerely committed to Torah amidst all the heresy and spiritual rebellion:

The Chafetz Chaim, in his great humility, included himself in that description even though his dedication toward Am Yisrael is legendary:

• He wrote beautiful and compelling books that are still studied and taken to heart almost a century later by the majority of religious Jews.

 

• He beseeched the Heavens and fasted for days on end—and did so repeatedly—for the sake of Jews whom he barely knew.

 

• His tenderness and understanding toward individual Jews of any age and status is still spoken of.

 
And the religious people of whom he spoke had their hands tied in so many ways as described in the book. (Really, what can you do as Rosh Yeshivah of Slutsk if one of your boys pulls out a gun and thus forces the entire yeshivah to listen as he blabs on about the joys of socialism?) What could they have done?

Engrossed in their daled amot. Engrossed. Not trapped and not looking out in dismay at the world crumbling around them. Willfully engrossed within their own world.
 
Just like me.

Yes, it hit me like that. He was talking about me.
 
Yes, I daven for other people. I have a list of sick, the captive, and the spiritually distant for whom I daven. I’ve davened many times for the benefit and salvation of Am Yisrael and even for the sincere Noachides. I repeatedly ask Hashem to bring all of Am Yisrael (including myself) to do teshuvah out of love, and not through of any suffering or humiliation.
 
But it’s not enough.
 
Why?
 
Well, what do you think I do almost every time I see:
​

• ...mention of the Women of the Wall, led by that glory-seeking atheist hypocrite?
• Or whenever I read about Christian missionizing in Eretz Yisrael?
• Or read about the encroachment of the Conservative/Reform movements, especially with regard to giyur/conversion?
• Or the IDF enlistment of girls, in particular the spike of religious girls who want to serve in combat (which is problematic on so many levels, it deserves a post of its own)?
• Or Charedi-looking Jews (REAL ones and not government provocateurs in disguise) acting like thuggish vandals out of a sense of unearned piety?
• Or anything along those lines?

I flee.

I flee into myself, I turn the page, I find another distraction, I fleetingly muse, “Oh, we just need to daven more and Hashem will take care of it…” (without immediately davening myself!).
 
Why?
 
Because these things cause me so much pain.

But even more, they make me very, very, very ANGRY.

And there’s nowhere to put that anger.

(Actually, there is. I could channel it into passionate prayer. But because the anger is so painful, I don't even do that much.)

And there’s nothing practical to do.

Demonstrations or confrontations? I get depleted in the worst way from the atmosphere and emotional upheaval the comes from such things—and it doesn’t change anything.

People just hate you and whatever you stand for even more than they did before…and they can fight back in the worst way. They are capable of doing things that you, as a decent person, will not contemplate.

(Although the hundreds of sincere female religious worshipers who came to the Kotel to pray with sincerity in the face of the Women of the Wall was a nice idea that worked out well.)

Nor is there anyone to talk to.

The leaders are completely corrupt and consumed with narcissism. And their groupies…well, I know what their groupies are like having grown up with feminism, Conservative/Reform and all the rest, and having dealt with these people after I became frum.

​I know exactly how sincere, yet exactly how brainwashed and needy they are, and how unwilling they are to really hear the other side of things.

Unless they approach you, or unless they are already on a quest for truth, then there really is no point in addressing the issues because you’ll just come away feeling even worse, they'll despise you, and all for nothing.
 
Having been one myself, I know how self-righteous and determined they are while possessing very little actual knowledge.
 
On the other hand, I’ve spent years increasingly delving into classic Torah sources in the original Hebrew—and not by rote, but really thinking about what these great Torah Sages had to say to us and what they really meant and how to apply it today—because it is applicable today, despite what even some otherwise respectable charedi Orthodox Jews might tell you.
 
So, here is a picture of my world before I discovered Torah-true Judaism:

Ironically, I was consistently indoctrinated that the above is beautiful, colorful ("See? Look at the pretty red rose in the foreground!"), full of light and is the pinnacle of all there is.
 
Then I discovered Torah-true Judaism and it looked like this:

And I was amazed to see what color and light and beauty really looked like, even as it still looked kind of overcast and damp.

But the more I learned, the more I was dismayed and shocked at how much I’d been lied to (all with the best of intentions of course, by people who were just as deluded and deceived as I’d been).
 
And as I delved deeper and deeper, it started looking more like this:

And it’s only getting more expansive and awe-inspiring.

(Of course, I must also disclaim any rose-colored glasses. I see the warts in the frum world. I really do. But the actual Torah, the halacha, the real wisdom from real Sages, the increasing closeness to Hashem? It looks full of expansive color and beauty.)
 
And every time I read about the very disturbing issues listed above, all I can think is that they want to completely demolish everything and revert everything back to this while I’m sitting in the middle of it:

I can’t tell you how horrible the very idea is.

After all this expanse, color, and beauty, I kick and scream against having to ever go back to that dark gray ugly world again.
 
So it’s very easy for me to sit at home with my emuna and mussar books, surrounded by Torah-observant neighbors of whom I’m very fond, in my neighborhood which is designed especially for Jews like me, where Shabbat is a truly beautiful and peaceful place with no cars or stereos and the sound of different melodies of love-songs to Hashem flow out from open windows on Shabbat night, and to blog about emuna and the Kli Yakar and think I’m doing enough, and to blind myself to the ugly muddy tsunami that is rising around the pretty bubble of my own daled amot.

I’m wrong.
 
And the words of the Chafetz Chaim woke me up to that.
 
The people are drowning! And where am I?

Engrossed in my own daled amot, thank you very much.
 
But it’s not right. I’m basically sitting here as if thinking,
I can’t swim out that far. Anyway, there are sharks in the water and those drowning will just lob a spear into or upend my inflatable lifeboat, drowning me along with them. So I’ll just keep on doing my own personal best and hope that will weigh the scales to the side of merit.
 
Wrong! says the Chafetz Chaim. I need to care about all those lost Jews enough to pound the Heavens for their sake. Instead of running away from the disturbing news, I need to shout out to Hashem,

“STOP! I protest this madness! I protest this destruction! You must please turn these precious Jews around right now! You must please wake them up now and with a great deal of gentleness and kindness because they obviously can’t do it on their own! And while You're at it, if You could also gently shake me awake to do COMPLETE teshuvah from love, I'd be very grateful!”
 
If I really loved and cared about the people outside my own daled amot, this is what I would do.

​And b'ezrat Hashem, I'll already start.

The first tragic event to occur on the 17th of Tammuz was Moshe Rabbeinu breaking the first set of Tablets when he saw the Jewish Nation worshiping the Golden Calf.

(For a synopsis of the tragedy, please see What was the Golden Calf?)

How did the Jewish people go from the Divinely gifted exalted spiritual level necessary to receive the Torah in all its glory to worshiping an idol only 40 days later?

Moshe Rabbeinu promised to be up on the mountain with Hashem for 40 days, after which he would return. The people miscalculated, so when Moshe Rabbeinu didn't come back on the 16th of Tammuz, they got worried.

Or did they?

It was actually the Erev Rav who got worried...but not for the reasons you might think.

Well aware that Hashem objected to their presence and that it was Moshe Rabbeinu who allowed them to join along, the Erev Rav feared that without Moshe Rabbeinu, they'd be kicked out by Hashem (as if Hashem couldn't just kick them out if He chose to).

This is why the Erev Rav felt they needed to create a new leader, and to do it on the double.

So they sounded an alarm of sorts that affected the emuna of the Jews.

In addition, the satan (a prosecuting angel) adjusted nature to provide a gloomy atmosphere. And rather than taking an emuna-driven "Let's wait and see" approach of yishuv hadaat, the true Jews of Yisrael got sucked into the Erev Rav fear.

Important Note:

• The Jews NEVER had anything to fear.
• They were beloved to Hashem.
• So even if something had happened to Moshe Rabbeinu, Hashem would still take care of Yisrael as a mother cares for her newborn baby.
• It was the Erev Rav who stood to lose out if Moshe Rabbeinu didn't return.
• The Jews would have been fine all along NO MATTER WHAT.

In other words, the Jews panicked for NO REASON WHATSOEVER.
​
And that was their first mistake.

Before he left, Moshe Rabbeinu told the Elders:
"Wait for us here until we return to you, and here Aharon and Chur are with you; whoever has a case, let him go to them."

So at this point, the Jews consulted with Chur, the son of Miriam Haneviah and Kalev ben Yafuneh.

Apparently, Chur told them in no uncertain terms that they didn't need any new leader and were forbidden from doing so.

So they killed him.

Okay, let's look at this for a minute.

Back then, the Erev Rav was obvious. They even looked different to the point that the Moavites could differentiate between Erev Rav and Yisrael.

​(Please see the Kli Yakar on Parshat Balak for more about that.)

Also, these Erev Rav people were NOT descended from the Avot and Imahot. And the Jews KNEW this.

So why did they listen to the Erev Rav over their own leader (appointed by Moshe Rabbeinu himself), a leader who had proven himself time and again?

(See here for a brief and impressive bio of Chur.)

Picture the scene for a moment:

• You've got these clearly non-Jewish-looking people talking to you in either Egyptian-accented Hebrew or in Egyptian itself,
• people whom you know aren't really a part of you
• and whom you know aren't even wanted by Hashem

...and you decide to listen to them over the daat Torah approved by the greatest prophet who has ever and would ever live?

What on Earth were the Jews thinking?

(For more details please see the Kli Yakar on Parshat Ki Tisa and scroll down past the chelbana.)

Okay, remember:

This whole thing started out as a quest to create a leader.

Not an idol and not a cult, but simply a new leader.

And the Erev Rav probably didn't seem so bad.

They probably just seemed pro-active. Take charge!-types. Self-empowering.

Maybe they even seemed caring and inspirational.

Maybe they conducted promotional self-empowerment seminars.

Yet the Erev Rav, being steeped in Egyptian ways, wanted to be led by the stars, which is why a calf representing the Taurus constellation popped out.

In fact, they assumed that Moshe Rabbeinu's power derived from some kind of star-image, and not from his own inner work and holiness.

Of course, the Jewish women resisted handing over the jewelry for the dastardly deed, but the men insisted and the calf was made.

Once the idol was created, the Jews should have immediately realized what they were getting into.

After all, bovine-shaped idols were all the rage in that part of the world for millennia. It's sort of like if an "Ephraimite" was leading everyone to what he claimed was a Chanukah party and then suddenly whipped out a cross right before the festivities started.

I mean, you know the guy is not Torah-true, and now he's waving this big cross around at the party. And you know that's not just some random giant "T" because Christians have been using that symbol for the past 2000 years.

So it seems like they should've known.

But what ensued next was a free-for-all that included debauchery, drugs and alcohol, adultery, and blasphemy.

At this point, viewing the scene from above & putting aside their physical differences, could you differentiate between the Erev Rav and the Bnei Yisrael?

Not really; they were all acting the same.

Perhaps if you looked carefully, you might notice that only certain people are orchestrating the whole event, and those people look kind of different than the participants.

​But overall, you would not be able to specify who was who according to behavior.

And upon seeing this, Moshe Rabbeinu smashed the Tablets.

And this is one of the reasons we mourn today.

So what do we learn from this?

• The Erev Rav think only about themselves, which also means they are obsessed with aligning themselves to whoever seems most powerful & they are obsessed with materialism.

 

• For their own self-interests, they will do whatever they can to get an authentic Yisrael WHO HAS NO REASON TO FEAR all riled up with anxiety and fear over an outcome that affects the Erev Rav ONLY.

 

• Erev Rav motivations are very different than Jewish motivations, although Erev Rav will speak to Jews in a "Jewish" language, if you get my drift.

​

• This panic discourages authentic Jews from listening to tested-and-true daat Torah.

There are other lessons, but that's all I can think of for now.

So what can we do about it? 

​Here are some question that might have popped up in your mind:

• Are you Erev Rav?
• Are you a Yisrael caught up in an Erev Rav fiesta?
• Are you a Yisrael with Erev Rav sparks pricking about your holy Jewish soul?

You can't really know.

But what you CAN do is take a step back from it all, especially at the following times:
​

• Are you feeling panicked?

 

• Are you feeling desperate?

 

• Are you feeling like "Move, move, move!" or "Do, do, do!"?

 

• Are you willing to latch on to anyone or anything who seems to promise security & leadership?

 

• Are you listening to the silver-tongued voices of people who obviously aren't the real deal while dismissing authentic daat Torah? (And I mean REAL daat Torah; not every Orthodox rabbi is daat Torah!)

 

• Are you blindly assuming the other cares about the same things you do, when much of what they say or do actually points to a completely different motive?

 

• Do you want to contemplate issues and situations before acting, but you have people around you (or even a voice within yourself), pressuring you to just jump into the frenzy without another thought?

 

• When you want to discuss real issues of emunah and serving Hashem and genuine Torah observance, are you ever waved off, rejected, mocked, or even attacked? (You might even do this to yourself.)

 

• Are you tempted to follow people who couldn't possibly have the answers since they don't possess Jewish tradition or yichus?

​

• Do you see people insisting that you follow them when you clearly see they're holding up a well-known and forbidden idol...but you're caught up in your fear and peer pressure, and anyway, they've got such convincing reasons for what they're doing?

EREV RAV ALERT!

​The above is the effect of Erev Rav on a Yisrael.

And it's a sign to take a step back from it all and inquire of Hashem.

Our times are different and the Erev Rav no longer look they way they once did.

Remember, at the time they were actually worshiping the Golden Calf, the Erev Rav and Bnei Yisrael were behaving exactly the same.

A Reform rabbi holding up a cross at a Chanukah party can still possess a soul of Yisrael.

They only real way to deal with it is via yishuv hadaat — taking a step back and asking:
​

• "What's really going on here?"
• "Is this the Torah way? If so, where is it written?"
• "Where is Hashem in all this?"
• "What does He think?"
• "What does He want?"
• "Okay, Hashem...tell me what to do!"

Why couldn't Bnei Yisrael have told the Erev Rav, "Wait a minute, Hashem's in charge. Let's give it another day and see"?

Why couldn't they have listened to Chur?

And even at the point that the calf appeared, could they not have said, "Whoa! Wait just one second here! Hmm...I'm going to step out and do some hitbodedut before I do anything else. At the very least, I can say a chapter of Tehillim before acting!"

They could have taken a step away from everyone and engaged in conversation with Hashem at any point during the ride.

Even after they'd killed Chur, they still could've stopped the madness. They still could have turned to Hashem.

And THAT would've saved them.

So don't give up.

Even if you find yourself swept up in a crowd led by Erev Rav after your real leader has been murdered and your other true leader has gone undercover...and even when you're faced with a clear symbol of everything that's wrong with the world and you're all hyped up to worship it with the basest human behaviors...

STEP BACK. And talk to Hashem.

It's not too late. Even if the Erev Rav stuff seems to be a part of you, don't give up.

Just turn to Hashem and don't repeat the mistake of the first Seventeenth of Tammuz.

We mourn it in order to rectify it.

​And we can!

I was thinking a lot recently about how different people react to different events and circumstances.
 
Two people can have similar personalities and go through the same events and traumas, and one will take the high road while the other will take the low road.
 
It seems that there are differences at the soul level. Obviously, someone like the Arizal was born with a particularly lofty soul while others possess a not-as-lofty soul even though it is still a holy one.
 
Certainly, classic Jewish sources discuss the idea of how the right kavanot pull down holy souls for conception. A Jewish couple who come together in genuine love and respect will pull down a higher soul. There are stories of tzaddikim whose kavanot pulled down very special souls into their children.
 
At the same time, our Sages also discuss how certain states pull down blemished souls: 

• A child conceived while the mother is niddah
• with a non-Jewish partner or any other forbidden partner
• while either parent is angry
• while either parent is fantasizing about someone else
• while either parent is drunk
• or if the woman is coerced

…any of these will pull down a blemished soul.
 
And what of cases in which we have several generations of Jews conceived in niddah?

What kinds of souls are these?

And it doesn’t just affect Jews from secular upbringings. FFBs can make mistakes in taharat hamishpacha, or conceive children in any of the forbidden states mentioned above.
 
In other words, there are no guarantees regardless of yichus.
 
Of course, this doesn’t mean that the soul is condemned to lowliness for life. A blemish can certainly be cleaned and purified.

Such a soul simply has more work to do to get it up to par.

​Tanach and midrashim contain stories of very great people who were conceived in less than ideal circumstances.

A lot of hard and sincere spiritual work can rectify a soul and bring it to its innate full potential.

(As far as I know, the blemish of the mamzer, a child born of an adulterous union between a married woman and her partner, is one that cannot be rectified within the mamzer's lifetime. The state of mamzerut remains and can be passed on through one's children unless certain measures are taken to prevent this.)

I also wonder about conversion, which pulls down a holy Jewish soul where there was once a non-Jewish soul.

How does that work? We see that there are converts with mind-boggling dedication to Torah, far beyond that which most born Jews could withstand, such as written about in The Secret Saga of a Righteous Convert.

Yet there are others who are quite tepid in their observance, seemingly trying to hold on to as much of the non-Jewish stuff as they can, or to revert back to their non-Jewish ways when the going gets rough (though most deal somewhere between these two extremes).
 
Some female converts told me that upon going to the Israeli Rabbanut to sort things out before their upcoming marriage, they are shocked to learn of something possibly amiss in their conversion certificate or experience, and are directed to undergo another immersion in the mikveh just to make sure everything is 100% kosher.

​As odd as it is to go in for a conversion a week or two before your marriage and after you’ve been fully observant and in a very frum seminary for the past few years, such converts also express a feeling of reassurance.

“Because my child’s Judaism will be defined through me,” say the female converts, “it’s essential that my own status be unquestionable.”

And they also relate that they were able to immerse and say the blessing with even more kavanah now that they had learned and experienced even more about Torah Judaism.

So what’s up with that? Did they receive a whole new soul…again? Or was the Jewish soul they originally received upon the first conversion immersion strengthened or re-purified?

Really, I have no clue and I don’t even know where to start looking. But it is interesting!

To make things even more complex and fascinating, parts of more than one soul can bond together to make a new soul comprised of these different souls.

​(I think this can explain past-life memories that recall copious past lives or remember two different lives occurring within the same time period.)

Furthermore, there are Erev Rav souls and Erev Rav soul-sparks among us.
 
In the Tanya of Lubavitcher chassidus (Igeret Hakodesh, Chapter/Epistle 26), it explains that after Mashiach comes (but before Techiyat Hametim/Resurrection of the Dead), the Jewish souls will merit to taste from the Tree of Life (i.e. the penimiyut of Torah) and thus will automatically know the revealed mitzvot in the same way that Avraham Avinu intuited the revealed mitzvot long before the Torah was actually given on Har Sinai.

And because in this state, they will no longer suffer forgetfulness, they’ll have no need to review as we do now. Instead, Jews will occupy themselves with the deeper hidden aspects of Torah.
 
However, the Erev Rav, who will not taste from the Tree of Life, will need to occupy themselves with Mishnah (all the laws deduced from the Torah) in order to weaken the power of the Sitra Achra (the Dark Side, so to speak).

Apparently, even after Mashiach comes, the Erev Rav will still be caught up in their inclinations to sin and will need to hold on tight to Torah learning in order to strengthen themselves against the Yetzer Hara—just as regular Jews do now.
 
Rivka Levy’s book Unlocking the Secret of the Erev Rav: The Mixed Multitude in Jewish Kabbalah, goes into this more, but apparently the Erev Rav souls are Jewish, but they’re a few steps behind the souls of a Yisrael—a Jew.

​So if I understand the Tanya correctly, after Mashiach comes, the Erev Rav will ascend to the level where regular Jews are holding now, and regular Jews will be on the level of Avraham Avinu.
 
May such a time come soon!
 
(You can also find out more about what traditional Jewish sources like the Kli Yakar say about the Erev Rav by clicking on the “Erev Rav” option in the "Categories" section in the sidebar on the mid-to-upper right.)

Anyway, we clearly have a wide variety of souls bobbing around the world right now.

Long ago, our Sages predicted that all the souls would need to come down into the world for their final chance at rectification before Mashiach comes and we’re seeing this now.
 
Sometimes, a person’s soul is so lofty, its light shines through all its owner’s grime.

You sometimes see secular Jews who behave with greatness and light.

You also see struggling or downtrodden frum Jews who seem to have something special to them, like a great soul that hasn’t yet realized its potential.
 
On the other hand, you may also see highly respected Orthodox Jews in important positions, but when you look them in the eye, it’s opaque as if there’s nothing there inside.

Or they are surprisingly superficial or shallow (even if they are academically very intelligent or possess sharp administrative skills) or cynical or quarrelsome or snobby.
 
Because of this, we all need to have a lot of patience both with ourselves and others.
 
We don’t know what kind of soul we have and the long road of rectifications necessary for our soul.

We also don’t know what other people are dealing with and what they are meant to be doing.
 
Of course, we know that, for example, every Jew must keep Shabbat. But we don’t know exactly how that is supposed to be expressed for a particular soul.

For example, does this particular soul need:

• …to take out Shabbat at the regular time or the later Rabbeinu Tam time?
• …Shabbat meals that consist of lots of divrei Torah or lots of singing zemirot? Or both?
• Lots of salads or lots of desserts or lots of kugels?
• Heavy on the meat or heavy or the fish or heavy on Cornish hens?
• A dignified formal meal served on fine china or a lively meal eaten from disposable dinnerware?
• Gefilte fish or spicy fish?
• Going all-out for big melaveh malka bash or taking 10 minutes for a piece of chocolate and a hot freshly made cup of coffee?

 
Furthermore, even if we know where someone is supposed to arrive (at mitzvah observance), we don’t know HOW they’re supposed to get there.

For example, I’ve known young women who started off their mitzvah observance with Shabbat and learning the laws of lashon hara while still wearing pants.

​Others started off with Shabbat and wearing long skirts, but only focused on lashon hara later.

This is why it is so important to forge a relationship with Hashem and really discuss your issues with Him in order to get yourself sorted out, and why it is also vitally important to pray for others to do teshuvah from love and to complete their rectifications in this lifetime.

Because there is so much that we just don’t know.

Praying for others works.

If they have souls of Yisrael, then davening for them is a great act of sisterly or brotherly love and helps them to come closer to their soul's potential, which also sweetens harsh judgements and helps bring Mashiach faster.

If they have Erev Rav souls, then davening still helps.

The Komarna Rebbe has said that davening for the Erev Rav to do teshuvah actually nullifies their power because the one holy spark that was holding them up gets sucked out (elevated out of them?) and they are rendered totally powerless.

This is described here and more fully in this book You are What You Hate.

(Disclaimer: While I have read many articles on that site, I have not actually read this book, although I would really like to.)

Yet as Unlocking the Secret of the Erev Rav posits, even that's not so simple because the Erev Rav soul-sparks seem to be mixed up within the souls of Yisrael.

So it's best to just use the most powerful weapon we have: heartfelt prayer.

One Shabbat, I was walking outside when I saw a young married woman dressed entirely in white gliding toward a nearby stairway.
 
Captivated, I watched her as she ascended the stone steps.

Dressed in pure white, from her headscarf to her long flowing dress to her shoes, she looked wonderfully Biblical and Shabbosy.
 
The epitome of tsniut, every part of the outfit was loose and long l’mehadrin without looking shlumpy or nebby. And against the bright sunlight, it wasn’t remotely see-thru. How’d she manage that? I wondered admiringly.
 
She even held herself like a refined princess, with a quiet self-assurance.
 
The problem was…staring is incredibly rude. And I’d been doing it.
 
I first realized my faux pas when she started gliding more slowly and glancing at me out of the corner of her eye.
 
Inside, I panicked. She probably thinks I’m sneering at her! But I’m not! I’m thinking that she’s doing exactly the right thing by dressing in white on Shabbat and that I wish I had the guts to do that too!
 
But something in her sidelong glance told me she hadn’t made up her mind about me yet.

“Shabbat shalom,” she said carefully, then waited for my response.
 
Relieved and grateful for the chance to redeem my rudeness, I said, “Shabbat shalom! And—you look really nice!”
 
Now her face relaxed into a smile. “Thanks!” she called back, then continued to glide up the stairs.
 
I learned a lot from my kabbalistically dressed sister that day.  
 
It would have been easy for her to presume that I was some judgmental, sneering stick-in-the-mud who didn’t even have the decency not to rudely stare at her. Instead, she gave me a chance to reveal that au contraire; I was an appreciative, admiring sister who was well-aware of the real halachot of tsniut and also of what the mekubalim said you should actually be wearing on Shabbat—who didn’t have the self-awareness not to rudely stare at her.
 
The truth is, if she’d said something to put me in my place, I wouldn’t have resented her for it. I’d have understood how discomfiting my unintentional staring was.
(Although I might have also thought that sarcasm or snarliness doesn’t really go with the Biblical Shabbat outfit of snow-white spiritual purity.)
 
But baruch Hashem, she was a kabbalistic princess inside and out, and someone to emulate.
 
And she demonstrated how nice it is to give people the chance to show who they really are before deciding that they’re probably just some big uptight wart.

After I quit my last job, I went through a phase where I couldn’t stop reading about personality disorders.
 
And I found it all both helpful and frustrating.
 
The thing is, without Hashem and a spiritual eye, the big picture simply cannot be seen.

(Interestingly, many of those pioneering the subject of personality disorders end up turning to spirituality, to God in some way, because they also saw that the strict rational views just weren't cutting it.)
 
For example, I object to the hair-splicing delineations of personality disorders:
“This one is Narcissist, but she’s a Borderline, yet this one suffers from Histrionic Personality Disorder, oh but THIS must be Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder…”
And so on.
 
You can even find entire discussions and books dedicated to hair-splitting over whether someone is Narcissist or Borderline.
 
Eventually, it became clear to me that the different categories were simply the effects of different personalities reflecting the same disorder.

Unfortunately, the field of mental health tends to depersonalize human beings. Whether people are emotionally healthy or not, we all tend to have different personalities with different skills, talents, strengths, and weaknesses.
 
For example, a more introverted person suffering from personality disorder would express it as “a covert narcissist” or be diagnosed with “Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder.”
 
An extrovert? Narcissist!
 
An emoting, melodramatic extrovert? Histrionic!
 
Furthermore, just the fact that experts realized that men tend to be diagnosed with Narcissist Personality Disorder while women are more likely to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder indicated to me that again, the difference in diagnosis tends to be in its expression.

Women tend to emote more than men, can be moodier, and so on, thus the diagnosis of Borderline in a personality disordered woman. And vice-versa regarding men, who tend to be more aggressive and see themselves as better-looking than they actually are, and so on.
 
In fact, if you look at a list of Borderline indications, it reads like a collection of negative feminine attributes while a list of Narcissist indications reads like a collection of negative masculine attributes.
 
Why? Well, to quote paleontologist Jack Horner: “Scientists have egos. They like to name things.”

So if your mind works that way, then you end up in highly detailed analyses which you then categorize under different labels.

And like anything else, this kind of mind its advantages and disadvantages.
 
But human beings simply don’t fit into these neat little boxes. The human soul is too profound and exalted, much to the frustration of much of the psychiatric and mental health community.
 
People with personality disorders can be:

• highly intelligent or borderline retarded
• math geniuses or renowned painters or bums on the street
• very secular or seem extremely religious
• impulsive flamboyant party animals or uptight disciplined ascetics
• disorganized messy dwellers or maintain picture-perfect homes with a flair for style
• outgoing and friendly or they can be shy and even snobby

The other problem was the language many people used to described Personality Disorders, such as:

• “They fear intimacy, so they can’t let you close.”
• “They just want to manipulate you.”
• “They consider themselves perfect and never wrong, so YOU must be wrong and to blame for everything.”
• “They need to be at the center of everything and control the relationships around them, so that’s why they triangulate.”
• “They fly into a rage when you show them incontrovertible proof of their misdeeds or manipulations because they hate being found out.”
• "They think of themselves as perfect. So if there's something wrong, it must be somebody's else fault."

 
It’s all true, but it’s generally only true on the unconscious level.
 
(Note: There is something labeled as “malignant narcissism,” which isn’t so different than actual sociopathy/psychopathy. Malignant narcissists do tend to be more aware and devious about how they are hurting people, but they still feel they are acting out of some sort of self-defense. They believe that they are somehow victims.)
 
For example, when a PD individual flies into a rage upon being confronted with obvious proof of his dysfunction, he isn’t thinking, “Oh no, I’ve been found out! But I still want to continue being secretly evil! So now I will fly into a rage in order to intimidate my confronter into denial!”
 
Instead, the rage comes instinctively. And this is also why they and their lies are so convincing: They genuinely believe they have been treated unfairly. In their heart of hearts, they believe that you have been mean and that you are actually victimizing them. No joke and no exaggeration.

If you ask a PD individual, "Do you think you're perfect?" They'll likely look taken aback and snap, "Of course not! Nobody's perfect. What do you think I am, a Narcissist?"
 
All the passive-aggressive things they do—and may even do with a smirk—are usually not as intentional as many people like to think. Discomfiting and even hurting people simply feels right to them. It doesn’t feel “evil” or “abusive.”
 
So all this language of “They want, they think, they need” is an imperfect expression of what’s really going on. Because they aren’t actually thinking or consciously wanting or needing anything beyond what they say.
 
Also, speaking this way reinforces the idea that the personality disordered person is aware, devious, and intentional in a way that they usually aren’t. People with personality disorders are infuriating enough to deal with. The situation doesn’t need to be made worse by implying an awareness and conscious effort that simply isn’t there.

(Although if it really is there, then that needs to be dealt with. But usually, it's not.)
 
For example, when personality disordered people start feeling a bond with you after you’ve treated them with kindness and warmth, they don’t think to themselves, “Oh no! I’m starting to feel close to this person! I’m even starting to trust this person! Gosh, that’s way too scary for me to handle! So I guess I’ll just kick her in the face! ANYTHING so as not to be tormented by this threatening feeling of trust and intimacy!”
 
No, they rarely think at all. Or, if they do think about it, it’s not in those terms. Instead, because it feels all wrong and unpleasant, they might start thinking:
“Gosh, this person is such a wimp/so fake/so weird/so pathetic/such a loser.”
And then they might start to consciously calculate how to play mindgames with you. They may even hone in on a flaw you have or something wrong (real or imagined) you did, which makes you a victimizer in their mind and gives them the right to target you.
 
Or not. They might just reflexively do or say something that shoves you away.
 
In addition, personality disorder of any kind is just a diagnosis.
It doesn’t mean it’s true.
It’s basically the view of the person diagnosing you, and who knows if that person is really qualified to judge you?
 
Finally, in my admittedly limited research, the diagnosis does little good.

The PDer is just fed into the victim mentality (“It’s a mental illness and therefore, not my fault”), even as they parrot all the right phrases of healthy accountability while other people (if knowledgeable in personality disorders) either dismiss the person as hopeless  because personality disorders can’t be cured according to psychology OR (if not knowledgeable about personality disorders) innocent people will use the diagnosis to justify and excuse any negative behavior committed by the Narcissist/Borderline/Whatever because “it’s a mental illness, so they can’t help it, so let’s just feel sorry for them and try to be more understanding and accommodating.”
 
So I use the term “personality disorder” or “personality disordered” or “PD” colloquially. For me, it’s a short cut to describe a certain kind of mindset.
And oftentimes, I just say "consistently dysfunctional" or "consistently difficult" or "impossible people" something like that.

Judaism doesn’t use the term “personality disorder.”
 
Yet it does utilize other ideas that are true and more helpful than what specialists will tell you about personality disorders and how to handle them.
 
Chazakah
Chazakah is the idea of doing something 3 times, making it a “chazakah.” You can do this for good behavior. You can ingrain good habits by repeating them consistently. For example, I noticed that if I can force a healthy response 3 times in a row, the formerly bad response breaks. (Yet that third time will be one heck of doozy! So a lot of times, I’ve managed two, then crashed on the third try. But if I do make it, then there’s a nice leap of improvement.) And it’s suddenly easier to respond properly from then onward.
 
Yet the same is true in a negative sense. And Judaism acknowledges this by saying the first time you sin, it feels bad. The second time, you feel it’s permissible. The third time you commit that same sin, it’s already a mitzvah.
 
This is why PDers feel no conscious guilt for their misdeeds. (Even though deep down, they are consumed with shame, which is why they fight against taking any accountability for their bad actions.) It’s a mitzvah! They’re not only right, but righteous!
 
Their auto-responses are deeply, deeply ingrained from years of poor decisions, thought patterns, and actions.
 
Victim Mentality vs. Gratitude
If I genuinely see myself as a victim of your victimization, then that makes me good and innocent while making you evil and cruel. This automatically means that I can use any means at my disposal to stop you and even punish you.
 
This is why the Nazis saw themselves as victims even as they threw newborn babies into bonfires and buried them alive in pits.

This is why the Communists decried the “privileged” status of their “oppressors” even as they starved, tortured, enslaved, and mowed down millions of people—including children.
 
(More is written about Nazis and victimhood in: How Ingratitude Leads to Genocide.)
 
Judaism (Yahadut) literally comes from the word “thanks”: hoda’ah or hodeh. We are all called Yehudim after Leah Imeinu’s fourth son, Yehudah.
 
Our prayers are literally brimming with praise and thanksgiving.
 
We even bless Hashem for the bad stuff (Baruch Dayan Emet—Blessed is the Judge of Truth) and in the future, we will say today's blessing for good (Baruch Hatov v’Hametiv—Blessed is the Good One and the One Who Does Good) over the bad, too.
 
You cannot feel gratitude and victimhood at the same time.
 
If you feel that everything is from Hashem, and that bad people are just agents of Hashem, and that suffering is somehow for your benefit (atonement, a type of cleansing that enables you to experience a truly wonderful Eternal Life, a message, an impetus to improve, etc.), then you will not feel like a victim.
You will not become consumed with rage nor seek revenge.
 
This is why I strongly encourage people (especially myself) to just start thanking Hashem, whether it’s writing down 20 gratitudes a day, or sitting there and telling Hashem what you’re thankful for, or singing piyutim or zemirot to Him from your heart.
 
It doesn’t matter whether you have a personality disorder or not.
 
Just the action of expressing gratitude automatically lifts you to a spiritually healthier place.
 
This is, in fact, what I originally did not understand about Rabbeinu Bachya’s Gate of Self-Accounting. If you look at it, much of it is about contemplating how lucky you are to have what you have and also how lucky you are to not suffer from, say, attacks by wild animals, leprosy, and more.
Very little of it is what we normally think of as "doing teshuvah" or taking stock of oneself.
 
Anyone who actually contemplates what Rabbeinu Bachya advises you to contemplate will automatically become a better person, and a person with stronger emuna and gratitude.
 
You Literally Cannot Trust Anyone Except Hashem. No One Can.
One of the very frustrating aspects of dealing with personality disorders is the helplessness.

Well-meaning people often advise setting boundaries and being assertive, yet this really does NOT work. PDs HATE boundaries on their behavior. Boundaries feel like rejection and assault to PDers. Again, this is instinctive. While adherents of “Just stand your ground and they’ll eventually adjust!” truly believe that if you are clear and consistent with your boundaries for long enough, the PDer will eventually give in…this just isn’t true. Every time you set a boundary, no matter how gently and diplomatically, they’ll fight it in some way because they feel like they’re being slapped. They need to protect themselves, either by fighting, avenging, or distancing (withholding, stonewalling, slandering you quietly behind your back, etc.).
 
I personally saw people who considered themselves very strong, assertive, consistent, and “I don’t put up with slop from anyone” get their legs chopped out from under them by PDers. True, the PDers didn’t confront them head on, but set things up to damage the person’s career while appearing oh-so helpful! Or they started quietly stonewalling and withholding. And all the time, the assertive and consistent person felt like their method was working because they never realized they were under attack.
 
Also, if any kind of closeness or intimacy genuinely feels bad, wrong, uncomfortable, or threatening to them…then what can you ever do about it?
If someone said to you, “The only way we can have a good marriage/positive working relationship/healthy friendship is if you walk on nails with your bare feet,” would you do it? Would you be ABLE to do it, even if you desperately wanted a good marriage/positive working relationship/healthy friendship?
No, of course not.
(This why love and patience never heals personality disorders.)
 
Furthermore, as I wrote The Secret to Judging Favorably, no human being can be perfectly trustworthy. We simply don’t have the power. Gate of Trust in Duties of the Heart details a list of qualities necessary in order to truly trust and rely on someone, and Rabbeinu Bachya makes it clear that human beings simply do not have such capabilities.

Only Hashem does.
 
So trying to “love” personality disordered people into good mental health is tinged with unconscious gaava (pride). Yes, it’s also mixed with the good intentions emanating from your soul, a sincere soul desire to heal and bond with your fellow Jew.

But only Hashem can fulfill the personality disordered person’s (or any person’s) physical and emotional needs.

Not you and not me.
 
Tefillah: The ONLY Effective Response
I remember whenever I would hear about the Times of Mashiach, people also mentioned all the bad things that would happen. And they attributed many problems nowadays (marital problems, child-rearing hardships, social upheaval, chronic or fatal illnesses) to this being Times of Mashiach.
 
And for a long time, I didn’t understand why. Is Hashem just a Big Meanie, chas v’shalom? What’s the point of all that emotional, social, and physical upheaval?
 
The thing is, when nothing else works, people tend to turn to Hashem.
 
And our generation is particularly stiff-necked about doing so. (And I used to be very stiff-necked about this and still struggle with this, even though I’ve gotten better.) Even many in the frum community prefer professional consultations with experts, medication (anti-depressants, sedatives, etc.), material feel-good measures (“You just need a new custom shaitel and a stunning makeover!”), escapism (workaholism or vacations), constant outpourings “to get it off my chest” to friends, spouses, family members, and so on, to sitting and doing a cheshbon hanefesh or talking stuff out with Hashem.
 
(NOTE: Please don’t assume that I’m above indulging in some of the above. Also, I personally have no problem with anyone indulging in the occasional consultation, pill, cigarette, makeover, new outfit “just because,” vacation, career, or heart-to-heart talk, etc. To me, it’s not different than taking Advil for a headache.
But the point is: Repeatedly turning to the above as a crutch to ignore Hashem is a problem. That's all.)
 
And I really believe that the very impossibility, incurability, and indefinability of personality disorders is to get us to turn to Hashem.

I personally have seen improvement in impossible people who were passionately prayed for.
 
Again, I’m glad I read all the literature because the observations and elucidations were helpful and validating. However, the answers are (as usual) within Torah literature.