Right now, all First World countries face the onslaught of insistent immigration, some more than others.

If you have an ounce of compassion within you, the stories are heart-rending.

In fact, I remember when non-Jewish Africans first started coming to Israel.

Picture starving, exhausted, ragged people at the Egyptian-Israeli border. Now picture Egyptian soldiers verbally and physically abusing those same people.

Horrible, no?

That was the feeling of the Israeli soldiers who allowed these pitiable migrants entry into Israel. A Jew can’t stand such a sight. The instinct is to just let them in, just give them refuge from their tormentors.

And now Israel faces a serious problem with these same “victims.”

(And yes, I realize that many of these illegals also got across the border in other sneakier ways and that some of the soldiers allowed them entry in exchange for bribes and not out of compassion.)

They have brought into the country a 100% fatal incurable disease that is common in their countries of origin due to their illicit behavior. They have assaulted little girls, terrorized the neighborhoods in which they’ve settled, spewed Jew-hatred (many of the illegals are at least nominally Muslim), and commit all sorts of crimes. INN once reported on how two drunken Africans urinated on the steps of a shul and when a little old Jewish man told them to stop, they assaulted him.

Nice.

My Country T'is of Thee
I remember when immigrants to the USA were better than the average American. Out of gratitude for where they now lived in contrast to where they came from, they were more patriotic, more appreciative of American liberties, more driven to succeed, and more civics-knowledgeable (because they needed to pass a rigorous test for citizenship that most born Americans could not pass). In other words, they were exemplary Americans.
In England, you used to encounter doctors from Third World countries who were better doctors with a better bedside manner than their British counterparts. They needed to prove themselves – and they did.

While immigration has always brought in undesirables – alcoholics and criminals and the diseased – regulated immigration managed to cut down on that quite nicely and for awhile, immigrants tended to make a positive addition to America.

Today, immigrants don’t necessarily come to embrace the values of their adopted country. Some do, of course. But many don’t.

Liberals tend to believe in a dangerous fantasy called “universal values.”

There are universal values, of course. They’re called “The 7 Mitzvot Bnei Noach.” But not everyone cares about them.

Of course, many immigrants and refugees come because they don’t like to live in abject poverty with no chance of any kind of upward mobility. They don’t like dealing with their completely corrupt police force. They don’t like the gangs/rebels/militants who roam their cities. They don’t like to be randomly massacred by the thousands.

Fair enough.

The problem is, they don’t necessarily care if YOU live in abject poverty with no chance of any kind of upward mobility, if YOU have to deal gangs/rebels/militants, or if YOU get randomly massacred. They want to have a better material lifestyle and most don’t seem to care how they get it or if their demands will end up eventually crashing their adopted country.

For example, the Syrians have been receiving a lot of press recently.

Syrians are mostly Muslim Arabs. (And even if they aren’t Muslim, believe me, they are much closer to the Arab mentality than anything else they might proclaim.) It’s highly likely that these Syrians find the following things to be completely normal:

• female genital mutilation
  
• honor killings
• marrying pre-teen girls
• the oppression of non-Muslims
• the total annihilation of Eretz Yisrael’s Jews
• discrimination against blacks
• slavery
• wife-beating
• child-beating
  

And even if they don't personally engage in the above, they may not necessarily object to those who do. In fact, they may even think these things are GOOD. Even more surprising to a lot of people, the Syrian women may think these things are good and proper.

Furthermore, instead of receiving favors and courtesies from non-Muslims with appreciation or reciprocation, people from Muslim societies often feel like they deserve these favors and courtesies, as if the non-Muslims owe them. They may feel they have a right or that it’s a sign of cleverness to exploit a non-Muslim's goodness and sense of fair play. Many of their accepted business practices and communication styles would be considered dishonest and deceitful in Western societies.

(And this kind of mentality can be found in many Third World non-Muslim societies.)

As far as Muslims go, these things are part of Islam. They are either permitted or mandated or at least actively encouraged by Sharia Law. (Although FGM is not directly commanded in the Koran, millions of Muslims around the world still consider FGM an important part of Islam.)

Case in Point: England
Muslims make up around 5% of England's population.
(To give you some perspective on how large “only” 5% is, Jews represent 0.5% of the British population.)
68% of British Muslims want the arrest and prosecution of those who insult Islam
51% of British Muslims do not refer to Britain as “my country.”
30% prefer to live under Sharia Law
30% say Israel has no right to exist
28% wish to see Britain as an Islamic state
20% believe that the 7/7 bombings were justified
7% agree that suicide bombings can be used against British citizens
7% admire organizations like Al-Qaeda that are prepared to fight against the West
800 – number of British Muslims serving in ISIS
600 – number of British Muslims serving in the British army

Other Cultures
In South Africa, a survey of men (10% white) showed that a third of them - by their own admission had committed the worst kind of assault against a woman.

In Denmark, Somali immigrants commit crime 1000 times more than native Danes.

In France, 70% of Muslims said that suicide bombings can be justified (35% said that suicide bombings are always justified).

In Sweden, nearly 78% of all assaults on women are committed by 2% of the population – the Muslim population.

In East Africa (Tanzania, Kenya, Uganda, Rwanda, Burundi), one common belief is that all sorts of crimes (which involve trauma, maiming, and murder) against albinos can cure diseases and appease gods, with criminals specializing in bringing albinos or their body parts to the interested parties due to the large amount of money they earn from doing so.

In America, a rapidly growing number of crimes, particularly against women and children, are being committed by immigrants originating from south of America’s border. America is also absorbing a growing African and Middle Eastern population.

Good Bye, "Kind" World!
Yes, it’s heart-breaking to see suffering people abused at your border.

Yes, it’s heart-breaking to hear of desperate people sinking in a boat after being rejected by your country or to hear about South American "dreamers" getting maimed or killed riding cargo trains to your border.

Yes, it’s horrifying to hear about thousands of people being gassed or massacred in their native land.

But those same people may not feel nearly as bad about that same thing happening to you.

Just because people are impoverished, persecuted, and desperate does not mean that they are good or good for your country. Of course, it could be that they are good and that they are just bursting with appreciation for everything your country can give them, and that they can't wait to give back their own precious contribution to your wonderful country.

Or maybe they don't feel that way at all. In fact, they may be very bad.
And they may have no intention of changing once they get to your country.

Just Remember Who's Really in Charge
Finally, I remember years ago when I first heard that at the End of Days, Yishmael would rule the world for a certain time period, then Mashiach would come. At the time, I couldn’t get my head around that idea. Most Western armies were far superior to any of those in the Middle East and Western societies were so high-functioning. I couldn’t help noticing how all Yishmaelite nations were basically a mess (compared to Western nations, anyway) and couldn’t get their act together for anything. How would they conquer those protected by militaries and societies who were stronger, better, and smarter?

When Yishmael first started taking over Europe, I understood.

They would conquer the West by using their Yishmaelite culture and their birth rate. And by using the Liberal value system against its own.

Of course, many are reporting it as an intentional assault on the West.

And it is an assault - an assault that was predicted long ago by our Sages as part of the Redemption process.

And that's why it can't be stopped.

​In this week's parsha:

• The Nation's joy cannot be complete until the joy of women is complete
• Hashem values & is found with the small and humbled more than all the rest

"And this is the blessing that Moshe blessed…" (33:1)

The Kli Yakar notes that the word "this" (zoht) is superfluous. The Torah could have just said, "Moshe, the man of God, blessed Bnei Yisrael, etc."

First, it's important to note what the Kli Yakar is not saying.
 
He is not saying that in the World to Come, everyone will be male because males are better than females.

He is not saying that.

(This is what one person freaked out about. But actually making an effort to understand our Sages, rather than leaping to culturally ingrained or low-self-worth-based assumptions, can prevent unnecessary freaking-out.) 

What he is saying is that he is well aware of the stress that women experience due to their reproductive system. And he acknowledges this throughout his peirush on the Chumash.
 
Furthermore, as someone who has always experienced great tzaar (along with the great rewards—my children—that make it all worth it) from her reproductive system, I find it very validating that a huge Torah giant is aware and appreciative enough of this tzaar to mention it repeatedly.

And due to all Jews being spiritually bonded with each other, this means that no Jew can experience complete joy as long as Jewish women aren't experiencing complete joy.
 
This is his point. And it's a truly beautiful & heart-warming point.
 
Additionally, I also find it extremely reassuring to be reminded that I eventually won't have this tzaar.

Due to the mixed readership, I won't go into detail, but for a lot of women, there are lingering issues that don't just vanish along with the act of giving birth.
 
Experiencing great tzaar in a mitzvah does not lessen its importance or reward (as if you're some kind of mitzvah-drudge).

For example, at the opposite end of the spectrum, the work of ZAKA is almost entirely tzaar.

But that does not detract in any way from their holy and vital function.

It is a privilege to perform the duties of ZAKA and l'havdil, it is a privilege to birth holy neshamas into the world.
 
The Kli Yakar is saying that in the future all Jews, including women, will be able to experience complete joy, unmarred by the tzaar inherent in monthly cycles, pregnancy, birth, and post-partum (which in the Kli Yakar's time, also held the very real possibility of maternal or infant death.)
 
The joy we express in This World isn't complete joy because it still contains a certain amount of tzaar—just like the joy of bringing a new soul into the world still contains a certain amount of tzaar.
 
And it's also implying that Hashem doesn't forget the ladies and their mesirut nefesh.
 
As long as women have tzaar from their reproductive system, Hashem calls the type of song mentioned in the Torah "shira."

​Until Jewish women can procreate without tzaar, no Jew can experience the complete joy inherent in the meaning of the word "shir."

​"And he said, Hashem came from Sinai…." (33:2)

[The English translations are from Chabad.org]

Sometimes, despite helpful guides like Outpouring of the Soul or In Forest Fields, we get stuck when we want to talk to Hashem. In such situations, it helps to borrow the hitbodedut of spiritual giants.Their hitbodedut can be said as if it's coming from our hearts. Or it can be used as a jumping off point for our own hitbodedut or as a guide. Let's start with the hitbodedut of Yom Kippur's haftarah: Yonah Hanavi.

Yonah 2:3-10
And he said: I called out from my distress to the Lord, and He answered me; from the belly of the grave I cried out, You heard my voice. And You cast me into the deep in the heart of the seas, and a river surrounded me; all Your breakers and Your waves passed over me. And I said, I have been driven away from before Your eyes. Indeed, I will continue to gaze upon Your Holy Temple. Water has surrounded me even to the soul, the deep encompassed me; the Red Sea hangs over my head. To the bottom of the mountains I descended, the earth-its bars are closed on me forever; but You brought up my life from Gehinnom, O Lord, my God. When my soul grew faint upon me, I remembered the Lord: and my prayer came to You to Your Holy Temple. Those who keep worthless futilities abandon their kindness. But I with a voice of thanks will I sacrifice to You; what I vowed I will pay, for the salvation of the Lord.

Then there's Ezra Hasofer
Ezra 9:6-15
And I said, "O my God, I am ashamed and embarrassed to lift up my face to You, my God, for our iniquities have increased over our heads, and our guilt has grown up to the heavens. Since the days of our forefathers, we are in great guilt until this day, and because of our iniquities, we were delivered-we, our kings, our priests-into the hands of the kings of the lands by the sword, in captivity, and with plunder and with shame-facedness as of this day. And now, for a short moment, favor has been granted by the Lord our God, to leave us a remnant and to give us a peg in His holy place, so that our God may enlighten our eyes and grant us a little life in our servitude. For we are slaves, and in our servitude our God has not forsaken us, and He has extended loving-kindness upon us before the kings of Persia, to give us life, to exalt the House of our God and to erect its ruins, and to give us a fence in Judea and in Jerusalem. And now, what shall we say, O God, after this, for we have forsaken Your commandments, which You have commanded by Your servants the prophets, saying, 'The land that you are coming to inherit is an unclean land because of the uncleanliness of the peoples of the lands, by their abominations with which they filled it from end to end with their uncleanliness. And now, you shall not give your daughters to their sons, neither shall you take their daughters for your sons, and you shall not seek their peace nor their prosperity to eternity, in order that you become strong and eat the goodness of the land, and you shall cause your children to inherit it to eternity.' And after all that has come upon us because of our evil deeds and because of our great guilt, because You our God, have punished us less than our iniquities deserve, and You have given us a remnant such as this. If we revert to breaking Your commandments to intermarrying with these abominable peoples, will You not be wroth with us until destruction without remnant or escape? O Lord God of Israel, You are righteous, for we are left a remnant as of this day; behold we are before You in our guilt, for we cannot stand before You because of this."

And here's one from Sefer Nechemiah.
Nechemiah 1:5-11
And I said, "I beseech You, O Lord God of heaven, the great and awesome God, Who keeps the Covenant and loving-kindness to those who love Him and to those who keep His commandments.  Let Your ear now be attentive and Your eyes open to listen to the prayer of Your servant, which I pray before You today, day and night, concerning the Children of Israel, Your servants, and I confess the sins of the Children of Israel, which we sinned against You; and I and my father's house have sinned. We have dealt corruptly against You, and we have not kept the commandments, the statutes, and the ordinances that You commanded Moses, Your servant. Remember now the word that You commanded Moses, Your servant, saying, 'If you deal treacherously, I shall scatter you among the nations. And if you return to Me and keep My commandments and perform them-if your exile is at the end of the heaven, from there I shall gather them, and I shall bring them to the place that I chose to cause My Name to rest there.' Now they are Your servants and Your people, whom You redeemed with Your great strength and with Your strong hand. I beseech You, O Lord, may Your ear now be attentive to the prayer of Your servant and to the prayer of Your servants, who wish to fear Your name, and cause Your servant to succeed today, and grant him mercy before this man."

And really, the entire book of Tehillim can be said as a personal prayer. In fact, Likutei Mohoran II quotes Rebbe Nachman as saying that each perek of Tehillim can be read as a personal prayer. Even the verses about fighting kings and battles are metaphors for our inner battles.

May we all always have meaningful talks with Hashem.

I touched on this a bit above, but will go into this further now.

In addition, to all the hyper-vigilant fault-finding about non-essential stuff, many people grew up in homes in which small stuff received overly harsh responses. And I am not talking about an occasional outburst or mistake on the parent's part.

For example, in some homes, a child spilling juice at the breakfast table leads to a slap or even a spanking. Or to sarcasm and derision: "What, you have a drinking problem at your age?"

In some homes, being too upset (even if you're quiet about it) - or even being too happy - is intolerable for the parents; they want their children to all be comfortably pleasant and problem-free.

In other homes, the most innocent and insignificant mistakes are magnified for group ridicule:
​

• "It's Thursday today, silly, not Wednesday! What on earth made you think it was Wednesday?" (Parent looks around to other parent and children for approval.)

 

• "Boy, we really need to sign you up for NASA's space cadet program!" Even if the child merely misspoke (because he or she knew what day it was, but just said the wrong one), the child cannot protest the ridicule because the parent is just kidding. Supposedly.

Unfortunately, even very frum people don't always know that "Just kidding!" is NEVER considered an excuse or justification for causing someone discomfort or pain by Chazal.

David Hamelech considered latzanut so bad that he elucidated this in the very first perek of Tehillim. Rebbe Nachman also propounds on the harm this does. So do the mussar sefarim.

Unfortunately, while mockery and scoffing are considered very serious offenses in Judaism, in cultures like England and America, skillful latzanut can actually be considered a positive attribute.

An offshoot of this is that in some families, owning up to your mistake and apologizing for it leads to the following: "Ha! See? You even admit that you're wrong! I knew it!"

Or that being wrong means that others have the right to abuse you.

In fact, a friend once told me about an exchange she had when her cousin called her up and said, "You said something mean to me yesterday, so now I'm going to say something mean to you."

And then the cousin proceeded to tell her very gently how she was a bit hurt by the mean comment made yesterday.

The friend told me in a resigned manner, "I accepted it because she was right; what I said was not very sensitive, so I deserved to be told off."

There is so much wrong with the attitudes displayed in the above scenario, I'm not sure where to start. You probably noticed them yourself.

Okay, first of all, if someone hurts you, you aren't allowed to hurt them back.

You may certainly inform them that they hurt you and tell them to stop.

But you are never allowed to be intentionally mean to someone just because they were mean to you.

That's nakamah and is clearly forbidden by the Torah itself.

Secondly, gently explaining to someone that they hurt you isn't "mean."

It's "establishing healthy boundaries" and "not holding a grudge in your heart against your fellow."

Thirdly, we DON'T deserve to be told off every time we do something wrong.

The world isn't run by strict judgement and there are entire discussions in Chazal about why not.

If you feel you deserve to be told off because that is HASHEM'S way of lovingly cleansing your soul, then that is proper and true. But you don't deserve punishment by others, except for those specified in the Torah.

Fourthly, the fact that my friend actually felt that she was being "told off" when in actuality, her cousin was gently bringing to her attention something my friend had said that really was inappropriate and hurtful so that she wouldn't do it again, is also eye-opening.

It is very disturbing that two very frum people both felt that intentionally returning a hurt with a hurt (nakamah) is completely justified and that gently establishing healthy boundaries is "mean" or being "told off."

But this is the state of our generation today; this is the level of confusion.

School faculty and camp staff can contribute to all this, too.

I could go on and on, but you probably can think of more examples on your own.

​So now we arrive at the problem we see today.

If a person has been conditioned that such inconsequential, minor things as spilling juice, not remembering (or merely misspeaking) the day of the week, or simply not having the personality most convenient for their parents or teachers, are insufferable and intolerable, then how is that person supposed to acknowledge real and major negatives in his or her personality—like arrogance?

• Or an enjoyment of putting others down?
• Or stealing?
• Or speaking lashon hara?
• Or a need to control and dominate?
• Or laziness?
• Or wasting time?

If the very fact that you admit you are wrong causes you to be demonized and gives others a right to abuse you, then how can you ever admit you are wrong about anything?

A dysfunctional background makes cheshbon hanefesh more challenging, but it is still definitely possible.

​Nowadays, we repeatedly run into the same dynamic:

People who say or do hurtful or unethical things, then refuse to take responsibility or admit in any way that they were wrong.

A huge reason for this is the overwhelming shame many people unconsciously feel. In psychobabble, this is known as "toxic shame."

What's going on?

​A) Culture and Society

First of all, our society has turned into a very shaming society, to the point that it obsesses and mocks totally insignificant things.

This was always true in magazines and talk shows, but Internet and social media have greatly exacerbated this bad middah.

For example, when Pamela Geller starts talking about the Islamification of Europe, or what she terms "the creeping Sharia in America" and she brings very disturbing examples of this, what do her detractors do?

They criticize her eye make-up.

You can read posts, comments, or Twitter feeds dedicated to how she was (horror of horrors!) wearing too much eyeliner. (Gasp!)

Whether you agree with her views or not, her eyeliner application is really not pertinent to the issues she addresses, such as workplace beheadings and shootings against "infidels," honor killings, terrorist recruiting, and the exploitation of non-Muslim girls at risk.

Paparazzi photos appear in major newspapers which show the unauthorized photo of some celebrity with a caption that reads something inane like:

Celeste Celebrity goes to the airport wearing pants that sag at the ankles and bag about her knees. Also, she looks kind of tired.

Of course, this does not even begin to cover the personal fault-finding that people engage in on social media about people they know, their boss, their mother, and cyber bullying, and so on.

B) Families
​
While it's too big a topic to go into within this topic, non-Jewish chinuch methods have contributed greatly to unnecessary shame.

For the first half of the Twentieth Century, children were demonized (as creatures who "just want attention" and whose sole desire in life was to "test limits" and "manipulate" their parents) and parents (especially mothers) were blamed for doing anything nurturing that might possibly "spoil" the child.

Mothers were inculcated with the fear that holding a newborn infant "too much" might irreparably "spoil" the child forever.

Smiling "too much" at a toddler could also "ruin" the child. Parents were judged by their offspring's behavior—the child's inherent nature be darned. Your child's errant behavior was YOUR FAULT (probably because you "spoiled" that child).

Remember that amusing anecdote in All for the Boss, in which Ruchama Shain pretended not to be her son's mother when he was behaving exuberantly and the other mothers at the park were saying that his parents should be reported to the police?

I can't remember exactly what he was doing, but it was maybe swinging on the bars with wild abandon. Or something not-so-terrible like that.

Eventually, former children got fed up with being judged negatively all the time and for having their most innocent intentions demonized. So they rebelled, leading to the Sixties.

The ensuing child-rearing methods insisted that anything your child did was a sign of unhappiness and utterly YOUR FAULT—albeit for completely different reasons than in the first of half of the century.

Even if, for example, it's an energetic toddler who doesn't want to stand patiently holding Mommy's hand while Mommy signs a check at the grocery store.

"WHY isn't that mother watching her child more carefully?!! Why isn't that 20-month-old better trained?!! Because her mother obviously has no interest in investing in her precious child!!!"

This was massive in the Eighties.

​For example:

• Was your child doing poorly in school?
• Not interested in homework?
• Socially inept?
• Too introverted?
• Too extroverted?
• Did your child cry at daycare because she prefers being with you to being with Morah Chani?
• Was she too clingy or he too aggressive?

Obviously, the child suffers from low self-esteem which is ALL YOUR FAULT.

Again, the child's inherent nature be darned.

This led parents to the following responses:

• A)  Emotionally detach from the child (because dealing with the self-accusations is too painful)
• B)  Beating the child into submission
• C) A combination of both, with the beatings being doled out when they're young and gradually segueing into emotional detachment when they're old enough to talk about what's going on at home.

​(Of course, parents were never supposed to hit or yell at their kids, so they now had to hide that, too.)

In other words, parents were demonized for having children who – get this – weren't perfect.

Nowadays, you can be considered an irresponsible, uncaring parent for not putting your child on medication.

Before we go further, let's take a look at the actual steps to doing teshuvah.

I know you know them already, but it's helpful to see it within the context of overcoming the shame inherent within a cheshbon hanefesh.

Let's take a wacky example and go beyond the standard example of when you're clearly in the wrong.

Let's say that someone stepped on your toe and then just stood there.

And let's say that they didn't necessarily mean to step on your toe, but once they did, they decided that standing on it wasn't that a big a deal.

Or that them standing your toe would actually be good for you.

Or that they weren't really standing on your toe, but on some kind of funny wedge and that you are just exaggerating and stam trying to make them feel bad.

So you hint to them, but they don't move for the reasons stated above.

Then you whack them really hard upside the head and scream, "Will you just get the heck off my toe, you insufferable nitwit?!! Are you blind?! Are you evil?! You're so stupid and insensitive!!!"

Now, there is nothing wrong with informing someone that they are hurting you and that they need to stop.

Also, no one can fault you in any way for uncontrollably crying out in pain.

So in this example, the issue is how you responded, not that you told them to stop.

1) Recognize what you did wrong.

This is the chesbon hanefesh part.

Did you do something wrong?

If so, what?

Was there an aspect of this interaction which you could have handled better?

If so, how?

It's important to separate the level of guilt or innocence of the offender from your own behavior.

If they hurt you on purpose, then of course they deserve what they got.

The issue is your own response.

If they deserve to get screamed at, insulted, and whacked, then they will. It doesn't have to be from you.

Ultimately, you apologize for your own behavior because you want your Heavenly slate cleaned.

What they did is their own cheshbon with Hashem. Try as much as you can to maintain objectivity about the situation.

Focus on you, not them. Remember, they are just an agent of Hashem.

Even if they meant to step on your toe, that was from Hashem. It was a message or a kapparah or a lesson or a tikkun/soul correction or something.

Although understandable, getting angry, calling names, and hitting was still wrong merely because it shows a denial of Hashem's constant involvement in even the most intimate details of our lives.

The wacky example aside, sometimes you are completely in the wrong.

But sometimes you are mostly wrong and sometimes partly wrong.

Sometimes you are only in the wrong a little bit and the other person deserves the vast majority of the blame.

And sometimes, you aren't to blame at all.

It's important to get this right.

Denying your culpability prevents true teshuvah and your sin stays with you.

Yet taking the blame for another person's sin helps neither him nor you and drifts into the area of chanifah—flattery.

Do not accept blame for the other person's sin, no matter how much they insist.

One aspect of chanifah is when you give a person who did something wrong the impression that he did nothing wrong, preventing him from ever mending his ways because he believes he has done nothing wrong.

2) Feel Regret

Regret is not self-hatred or self-denigration or feeling "bad."

Regret means, "I'm better than that. I wasn't living up to my God-given potential. I really regret that I behaved that way and wish so much I could change it. I could have handled that better."

It's a ploy of the yetzer hara to convince a person to wallow in self-denigration because people who do so rarely complete the teshuvah process, unconsciously feeling like because they've "punished" themselves enough by feeling bad, then they don't need to do more. A lot of times, they'll resentfully admit they were wrong and reluctantly apologize, but never consider how to actually deal with the root middah that caused that behavior in the first place.

Teshuvah is not about punishment. Actually, teshuvah is about avoiding the need for punishment. People who do teshuvah don't need to be punished.

Thinking that feeling punished actually does anything to facilitate teshuvah is a twisted idea that many people received as children from misguided adults.

3) Accept Upon Yourself to Act Differently From Now On

This is the part that a lot of people get blasé about.

In American culture, it is acceptable to believe that admitting a fault automatically excuses it without any need to work on it.

People commonly say, "I'm always late" and then do nothing further to address that problem.

Or they say, "I just can't help myself" and let that be the end of it.

​Or they say, "I'm sorry, but it/you/he/she just made me so mad...."—even though they clearly aren't sorry and clearly think that feeling are facts and therefore justify inappropriate behavior.

Unfortunately, this attitude can also seep into the frum community without fine Jews even realizing it.

The only way to change behavior is to form a conscious & specific plan of action.

Foggy statements like, "I'll try to behave better in the future" or "I'll try not to get angry next time" or "I'll work on being more understanding" or "I'll work on speaking more calmly next time" do very little practical good.
​

• How will you behave better?
• What will you do to stop yourself from getting angry next time?
• What does it mean to be "more understanding" and how can you achieve that?
• What actions or thoughts help one to speak more calmly when faced with frustration?

4) Make Amends

You need to ask for forgiveness for whatever you did wrong.

​Even if the other person won't forgive you, at least your slate will be clean and your judgement in Shamayim will be sweetened.

It helps to know the difference between a real apology & a fake apology.
(Scroll down to the bottom of that page for a kind of checklist.)

You need to do your best to repair whatever you did wrong, whether it is financial reimbursement or otherwise.

You do not need to apologize for setting healthy boundaries.

In other words, you do not need to apologize because someone finds it offensive that you politely asked them to get off your foot.

You do not need to apologize for telling them that they caused pain to your foot.

You do not need to apologize for maintaining a safe distance from them after they refuse to stop standing on your foot.

Some people get very offended about being tactfully told they are doing something wrong.

They get very angry about being told they are hurting you.

They get very angry about being told that they need to stop a behavior forbidden by the Torah (onaat devarim—such as criticism, belittling, name-calling, etc.—lashon hara, rechilut, lying, baselessly judging you unfavorably, getting angry or violent).

Unless you were petty, rude, mean, insulting, or loud about setting the boundaries, you have nothing to apologize about.

Some people think that it's criticism when you tell them they hurt you & need to stop.

They accuse you of being critical and verbally abusive because you said, "Ouch! Excuse me, but I would appreciate it if you would please get off my foot and not step on it again. Thank you."

Like the above examples with the two acquaintances who could not differentiate between setting healthy boundaries and nakamah, many critics & other confused people cannot differentiate between setting healthy boundaries & criticism.

The difference is that people who are critical are consistently critical & they criticize many different aspects when there is nothing halachically wrong.

For example, they may find fault with the way you manage your house, feed your children, your appearance, your level of skill in some area, your emotional state, your style of speaking, and so on—even though there is nothing halachically wrong with being excited about something, having a house that is a bit messy, not being good at spelling, and so on.

You are only asking them to stop regarding this one issue, an issue which they are halachically obligated to observe.

Setting healthy boundaries actually benefits the offender even more than it benefits the victim, although usually it's the victim who perceives the benefits.

The more someone indulges in person-to-person prohibitions, they more sins they rack up, which will eventually lead to an extremely unpleasant shock in the Heavenly Court after 120 years.

While you can't control anyone's behavior except your own, the act of protecting yourself against a halachically forbidden attack of, say, onaat devarim spiritually benefits the offender even more than it benefits you.

​The offender may not stop or may go on to another victim, but at least you have done your part.

• Feel Happy about Doing a Cheshbon Hanefesh

There is a story of the Baal Shem Tov who was searching for a chazzan for Yom Kippur. (There are other versions of this story. This is the one I remember.)

One chazzan sang Vidui with a joyful melody while dancing.

When the Baal Shem Tov expressed surprise at such a lithe attitude toward something as serious as Yom Kippur Confession, the chazzan answered that confessing one's sins is like a weeding a garden.

And why shouldn't one rejoice at getting rid of all the weeds and cultivating such a beautiful garden?

The Baal Shem Tov hired him on the spot.

So even as you feel uncomfortable and regretful, try to experience some real joy that you are doing the right thing, giving tremendous pleasure to Hashem, wiping away your sins and creating openings for more blessing to pour into your life, sweetening the judgment over all Jewish communities worldwide, and for greatly increasing the size and quality of your eventual eternal life in the World to Come.

• Everything is from Hashem – Including Your Flaws and Bad Middot

I heard a lecture by Rav Ofer Erez in which he said that because everything is from Hashem, you should even thank Hashem for your flaws—including the worst ones.

YOU aren't bad.

Your flaws don't actually say much about your actual essence. They are merely aspects Hashem infused in you (whether you were born with them OR adapted them due to a dysfunctional childhood or other traumatic experiences) in order to facilitate your particular journey in life and enable you to complete the personal work, achieve the goals, and make the corrections that your particular soul needs.

Put in that perspective, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Hashem put those flaws there for your ultimate benefit. So feel free to liberate yourself from self-hatred and joyfully delve into your innermost workings.

• Denial Just Makes Things Worse

If you decide to ignore your flaws, minimize their severity ("It's not so bad" "It doesn't really matter" "No one's really bothered by it" "That's just how I am!") or justify your indulgence of them, you are merely playing into the hands of the yetzer hara and will pay a price.

If you don't clean up your act in This World, you have to get cleaned up in some kind of Gehinnom or come back and do everything again, but with more baggage the next time.

So you're not really saving yourself any pain by playing "Hear No Evil, See No Evil" with yourself.

Furthermore, you actually suffer more now.

Flaws get worse the longer they're ignored.

People who can't manage to work on themselves find themselves losing friends, jobs, allies, and even parents, siblings, spouses, and children.

Sometimes this happens physically, meaning the person just gets up and leaves or cuts you off in some way.

Sometimes this happens emotionally, in that they detach from you or are polite to your face but despise you in their heart.

You never get satisfying relationships because people are either trying to protect themselves from you or they do things to temporarily appease you or get what they need from you.

But there is no real love or connection.

So dealing with the temporary shame of facing your flaws now ends up making your life better in both This World and the Next.

• Shamayim Knows Everything about You Anyway

And you thought Google was invasive!

At some point, you're going to stand in front of the Heavenly Tribunal.

We all will.

A group of holy beings will present you with your good and bad stuff and the angels you created from it.

All of it.

Think of the worse public humiliation you can imagine.

This will be much, much worse—if you haven't been honest with yourself Here.

Furthermore, Hashem gets so much pleasure from hearing you admit you were wrong, how you were wrong, and that you really regret it.

​He wants you to 'fess up so that He can erase your sins and cancel any punishments. He doesn't want you to suffer anymore.

What Do You Find Easy?

​It's common to maintain attitudes that feel humble, but actually demonstrate some gaavah and ingratitude.

Do you say things like:

• "High school was so easy – getting straight A's was a cinch! Anyone could do well in high school"?
• "It's not that hard being pregnant. I mean, some people have complications, but a lot of women just make a big deal out of it when it's really not that difficult."
• "I don't understand why people get all worked up, or get into arguments and stuff. I just don't get upset. I just let things roll off my back; I don't let stuff bother me."
• "What's so hard about having guests every Shabbos? It's not such a big deal if you're cooking anyway."

It's good to recognize that if you find something easy, then that is a gift from Hashem.

There are people who don't find it easy – and it doesn't necessarily mean they are stupid or defective.

If someone flunked out of public high school, then that is their challenge from Hashem.

If you were able to breeze through with minimum effort, then say, "Thanks, Hashem!"

If Hashem gifted you with easy pregnancies (or maybe the sudden need to vomit into the bin while cooking dinner just doesn't bother you), then that is something to be grateful to Hashem for, not take pride in.

Digging deeper, you might feel proud of yourself for having overcome a difficult childhood. You might notice that your marriage is better than that of your siblings or that you are raising your children better than your parents raised you.

Some people are very proud of overcoming a fatal illness or of keeping up a positive attitude while falling out of remission for the second time.

Are you proud of beating the odds?

Of showing your teachers they were all wrong about you?

Are you a wildly successful writer who smirks upon remembering how your creative writing professor said he'd rather read Dick and Jane Take a Walk than anything you wrote?

This is called "survivor's pride."

Survivor's pride is very healthy at first.

It is what galvanizes people to overcome trauma and fulfill their potential.

But after a while, it starts limiting one's inner growth because at the end of the day, pride is still pride.

Your ability to beat the odds (even if only some of the odds) is a compassionate gift from Hashem just because He loves you.

People often think that attributing their successes to Hashem diminishes them.

Nope.

It does the opposite.

As you start to recognize all the lucky things Hashem has done for you and how he saved you from living a worse life, you start to feel special (not haughty or superior, but special) and beloved by Hashem.

This naturally makes it easier to face your flaws (even the really ugly ones) because you are doing it with Someone Who really loves you and cares about you and sees you in such a positive light.

Furthermore, increased gratitude toward Hashem naturally decreases gaavah and arrogance and ego, which are the basis for most other bad middot.

Sarah Chana Radcliffe emphasizes the importance of taking pleasure in your accomplishments, not pride.

Enjoy Hashem's expressions of love for you.

So even if your denial is so great that you aren't actively working on discovering your flaws, thanking Hashem for all the things that seem easy or "no big deal" to you will naturally make you a better and kinder person and relieve a tremendous amount of unnecessary shame (which will eventually help you do a true cheshbon hanefesh).

Realize that You're Not So Bad – Really!

Hashem often sends us messages through other people, but it's important to separate both the emotional tone conveyed and the other person's personal definition from the actual message.

Separate the message from the messenger.

 For example, when the emuna-chirpers were driving me crazy with their chirps of "Just daven! Just have emuna! Just daven! Just have emuna!"—they were right!

I did need to learn how to daven and to daven more. I did need to develop emuna.

But not their definition of davening or emuna.

Their definition of emuna was escapist; it was denial and repression.

​In addition, their condescending attitude was all wrong, too. It implied that I was this totally inferior nitwit. I wasn't. I was just a bit lost.

In that same vein, recognize that if someone says, "You are the laziest person I've ever met"—you probably aren't. In fact, you may not be lazy at all in the way that person means. Maybe Hashem is trying to tell you that you're lazy in some small way in your spiritual avodah and not your physical avodah.

Or if your child is being rebellious and it's making you feel very distressed, don't get caught up in the emotional tone. ("Am I behaving as horribly as my child?")

Just take a mental step back and look for how you might be rebelling against Hashem in some small way.

(Nearly every family has at least one child who is rebellious or chutzpadik. This is because Hashem is giving us at least one last chance to polish ourselves down to the tiniest detail before Mashiach comes. And due to the overpowering illusion of This World, most of us are at times somewhat rebellious against Hashem, even if it's only in a small way.)

Or Maybe It's Not Something Wrong with You at All
The difficult situation could mean something else entirely.

• Maybe Hashem is trying to teach you how to strengthen yourself from within to handle rattling situations.
• Maybe Hashem is trying to tell you that a relationship or situation or environment is no longer good for you.
• Maybe you've been in this situation before and you need to finally handle it right.

EFT
The Emotional Freedom Technique releases a lot of shame and fear.

Because it is simple and only takes a few minutes, it means you only need to deal with the disturbing issue in a very digestible, immediate way. Once the shame is greatly minimized or gone, your pathway to doing real teshuvah is completely open.

Mind-Mapping
Mind-mapping can be a fun way to address an issue.

You can use a piece of white paper and a gray pencil or you can get a huge lavender sheet and use different neon markers. You can make your circles and lines in the conventional manner or you can get creative with wavy lines and curlicues. Whatever suits you.

Then you make a big circle in the middle and write in the topic you want to address. Or you can draw a picture of the topic. You can write "shame" or "cheshbon hanefesh" or "anger" or the name of the person you're struggling with or the name of the issue with which you're struggling.

Then see what comes up, writing your associations and brainstorms next to lines stretching from the main circle. Seeing the issues on paper lends objectivity and clarity to thorny issues and emotional blockages.

Talk to Hashem
Thank Hashem for this nisayon as it benefits you in some way and facilitates beautiful inner growth. Then start talking about your issues, your feelings, and your desires. Explain how you want to do the right thing and be a good person, but you're not sure how. Ask Him to remove the shame so that you can see what's underneath. Or whatever else you want to say to Him.

Joy and dancing helps mitigate stern Heavenly judgment, so you can start dancing, singing and clapping to get yourself in the right frame of ruchniut.

So that's it, although I probably missed some stuff.

May we all merit to do true teshuvah with joy and from love of Hashem, and not through trials and humiliations. And may we thus merit to sweeten the coming Geula.

In this week's Kli Yakar:

• Projection and what it says about the "projector"
  
• Why is love-inspired teshuvah so much more powerful than fear-inspired teshuvah?
  

As a young boy in Casablanca, Simo Sabach fell in love with the sea. What started out as a childhood hobby turned into a livelihood as Simo caught and sold fish for a living. In the early Sixties, he moved to Eretz Yisrael with the intention of continuing his beloved occupation on this side of the Mediterranean.

But the agency clerks told him they were sending him to Kiryat Gat.

“Is there a sea there?” he asked.

“Surrrrrrrrrrre, there’s a sea there!” they answered.

There isn’t.

But the sea laps at the beaches in nearby Ashkelon.

So Simo managed to get a truck ride regularly to Ashkelon. While the other passengers went swimming, Simo went fishing.

But to support his wife and five children, he needed to work in the Ligat textile factory in Kiryat Gat.

Finally, Simo reached a point where he could quit the factory and dedicate himself to the sea and its fish. Along these lines, he opened a store called Hayam V’Ani 1 – The Sea and Me 1 – which sold fishing and camping equipment. Near the city shuk, he then opened Hayam V’Ani 2 – The Sea and Me 2 – and has been selling fish (and dispensing fish preparation advice and tips) there ever since. He’s known as “Simo Hadayag – Simo the Fisherman” and sports a skipper’s cap.

But Simo not only sells fish. He and his wife, Zahava, specialize in fish dishes. It looks like he also opened a kosher fish restaurant there, but I couldn’t see what hechsher.

Simo says, “My joy is to see people leave here with a smile and return happily because of the friendly service and the love for fish and people.”

Fortunately for us, Simo produced a book of fish recipes called Hayam V’Ani 2 (which is where I got all this biographical information from), which includes jokes, stories, tips, recipes, and lots of descriptive photos.

I always liked fish okay, but after a fish-connoisseur gifted us Simo’s book, I started making all kinds of fish every day: Moroccan-style tuna, Moroccan-style perch, chreimeh, cooked-then-roasted carp, fish balls (with or without potatoes), broiled or grilled fish, fried fish, stuffed fish, baked salmon, fish and couscous, fish sauce, caviar, and even Moroccan-style gefilte fish!

Simo's recipes have made me a fish lover.

Simo’s book is in Hebrew, but because most of the words repeat themselves, once you know the vocabulary, you can follow the book just fine.

Here is the basic vocabulary:
(Sorry the Hebrew isn't in Hebrew letters, but stuff starts getting wonky when I mix the languages.)
agvaniya – tomato
batzal – onion
chofen kusbara ketzutza – a bunch (a handful pre-minced) of minced cilantro
gamba aduma – red bell pepper
kamon – cumin
kimel – caraway seed
pilpel adom matok – sweet red pepper
pipel charif – hot pepper
pilpel lavan – white pepper
resek agvaniyot – tomato sauce
shemen – oil
shinei shum ketzutzot – minced garlic cloves

ad sheh hamayim mitadim – until the water evaporates
l’hanmich et ha’aish – lower the fire
lifros – to slice
litagen – to fry
l’atof – to slather
michseh – lid
parus – sliced
reticha – boiling

And that’s most of it.

You don’t need to follow the recipes exactly and can substitute or add and eliminate according to your preferences, just making sure you adjust water amounts and so on.

Simo has no idea I’m a fan or even that I exist.

Hayam V’Ani 2 is located in Hashuk Hechadash 118, Kiryat Gat.

Simo can be reached at or at (08) 688-9568 for deliveries and orders (and I guess if you also want to know where to buy his recipe book and which kosher certification he uses).

Fish Translations
Here are some of the different fish Simo uses in his recipe book:
(I am 95% sure of the translations, but not 100%. Apologies for any errors.)
amnon/musht – tilapia
bakala – hake
barbonia – red mullet
bass – sea bass
betzei dagim – caviar
buri – gray mullet
dag moshe rabbeinu – plaice
denis – sea bream
forel/truta – trout
karpion – carp
kasif – silver carp
lavrak – striped bass
lokus – white grouper
musar – red drum
musar yam – corvina
nesichat hanilus (or just nesicha) – Nile perch
sardinim – sardines
sargos – zargoza
tuna – tuna

Throwing a bunch of Simo’s tips and recipes together gave me this delicious and attractive one-pot meal of tuna steaks and potatoes. (Because I tend to cook by sight, smell, and mood – as opposed to measurements – this isn’t an exact recipe, so be forewarned.)

Tuna Prep:
Most Israeli fish sellers recommend marinating tuna steaks in a bowl of water with lemon slices, maybe with baking soda also, for at least twenty minutes.

The Moroccan way to prepare any fish for cooking is to marinate the fish in salt and vinegar (or lemon juice) for hours and then to set the fish over a strainer to drain for hours (for convenience, this is often done over night).

• But you can eliminate all the prep; it will still turn out fine.

Actual Recipe:

• In a wide shallow pot, spread just enough oil to cover the bottom.
• Then make pretty circles with lots of sliced tomatoes and red bell peppers and maybe a can of crushed tomatoes. (For extra prettiness, you can also use orange, yellow, or green bell peppers.)
• You can also add a hot pepper or two.
• Then place sliced potatoes on the tomatoes and peppers, as many potatoes as you need.
• Then scatter 4 or 5 garlic cloves over it all (whole or sliced or however you like).
• Then sprinkle over everything lots of paprika, salt, some cumin, and a little bit of white or black pepper.

Note: It’s very important to know that tuna must be cooked as minimally as possible to create a moist texture. Tuna dries out super fast during cooking. Also, I personally like my vegetables mushy. So I add enough water, put on the lid, and cook everything for a really long time.

• In the meantime, you can prepare the tuna-slathering sauce with oil, water, lemon juice, minced cilantro, minced garlic, paprika, cumin, and salt.
• When the vegetables are cooked to your liking, you slather each tuna steak in the pretty red-with-specks-of-white-and-green sauce and place them on top of the potatoes.
• Check the water level.
• Watch it like a hawk, ready to flip the tuna steaks the moment they seem ready.
• Then watch it like a hawk some more and remove it from the flame the very moment the tuna seems cooked enough - its dark flesh should turn kind of white inside.

(Keep in mind whether the tuna will be later placed on an electric platter for Shabbat or will be eaten immediately, as far as cooking times go. You can cook it for a little longer if it won’t be heated later.)

And that’s it.

You can also do this without the potatoes and it freezes really well. Also, you can play around with it to your heart’s content. You can eliminate the cilantro and use parsley or dill instead – or none of them. You can use just tomatoes or just canned crushed tomatoes. You can omit the cumin or add onions.

Note: This recipe also works well for salmon and Nile perch (nesicha). Just adjust the cooking times since other fish aren't ruined by longer cooking.

In this week's parsha:

• Hashem's Great Mercy for us (even when we've been just awful)
• Hashem's Great Love & Generosity toward simply for just FEELING that right feelings toward him​

"The following shall stand upon Mount Gerizim to bless the people when you cross the Jordan: Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Joseph, and Benjamin" (27:12)

[This is in contrast to the following verse which says, “And these shall stand...for the curse.”]

"Hashem will order the blessing to be with you in your storage houses, and in every one of your endeavors, and He will bless you in the Land which Hashem, your God, is giving you" (28:8)

Yirat Shamayim is a fear that comes from love and appreciation.

When you love someone deeply, you don’t want to do anything to ever hurt that person or go against that person’s will.
 
Look at how mothers of infants sacrifice so much to make sure their babies are safe and cared for—all out of a healthy fear for their child’s well-being. Or how parents child-proof their homes for fear that otherwise, their beloved child will come to some kind of harm, chas v’shalom.

Or wives (especially in shana rishonah):
​
After candle-lighting one Lail Shabbat, I went to visit my friend when her newly married daughter was there. The kallah refused to take off her ankle-breakingly high heels the entire time for fear that her husband might come back from davening any minute and not find her perfectly dressed and ready to greet him in all her meticulously put-together glory.
 
She wasn’t afraid that her husband would be angry at her if she didn’t greet him as beautifully adorned as possible; in her deep love for him, she wanted to please him so much with her appearance that she was afraid to be anything less than perfectly ready the moment he walked through the door.
 
I recently came across a deeper understanding of yirah while reading a Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller's A Guide to Shalom Bayit: Respect in the Naaleh newsletter.
 
She writes:
 
Kavod [respect] says, "I need you. I respect who you are and what you can give me."
It's feeling connected to whatever virtue the person you're giving kavod to has. 
 
She goes on to explain that a marriage made up of real love and kavod creates an unbreakable interdependency between the two partners.

She explains that in a healthy marriage:
You know you need the other person.

The Rambam teaches that a woman should feel respect and awe for her husband even more than his actual status would warrant. It doesn't mean forceful domination, which is a very superficial picture of what marriage is.

​There is a difference between pachad (fear) and morah (awe).

Pachad is negative fear.

Morah [which shares the same root as "yirah"] means viewing someone as having superior aspects than you.
 
So ideally, yirah comes from a healthy place, a place of wanting to please Hashem and knowing He possess that which you don't, and that you are dependent on him in a good way for these qualities.

As the Kli Yakar writes:

So please remember that.

All your yirah is so dear to Hashem that He stores it up in a special "treasure house" that only He can access. Then He transforms it into something you need and gives it back to you.