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What's Stopping You from Making Real Change?

28/9/2017

Why are chesbon hanefesh and deeper change so difficult?

It can be hard letting go of certain aspects of your self-image that you feel define you, aspects in which you may have always taken pride.

For example, there are people who take a lot of pride in the fact that things roll off their back, that they let things go, and avoid confrontations. Usually on the quieter side and often passive, their steely pride in their vatranut can take others by surprise.

But what if they do end up holding a grudge?

What if they experience a flash of rage?

Because they unconsciously refuse to be aware of their anger or resentment, it could come out in other ways.

Because such people tend to disassociate easily and frequently, they can snipe out nasty comments or even yell at someone, but "pretend" they didn’t even moments after the outburst.

So even if you gently inform them of their hurtful behavior, they may just look confused or laugh it off. This denial prevents them from doing true teshuvah and fulfilling their God-given potential.

(It also compounds the hurt they've caused their victims by making their victims feel belittled or crazy.)

Because they cling so tightly to their self-image as a vatran or an easygoing person who avoids conflicts, they actually end up being obstinate (i.e. not being mevater) and causing conflicts via the hurtful and manipulative behavior they exhibit while in a disassociated state.

Others feel that being highly intelligent, an efficient homemaker, the shpitz of the yeshivah, being very put-together, a baal or baalas chessed, a successful businessman/woman, wonderful with kids, or able to take the lead in any situation is what defines who they are.

Every person has at least one aspect to which they cling because they feel it defines them. Without it, they feel lost. (And I'm no exception.)

In fact, if that aspect is ever ripped away from them, they can even feel like a part of them has been killed off.

So this kind of cheshbon is very, very difficult to contend with.

Hermit Crabs

Speaking from personal experience, it’s very much like Rabbi Twerski's analogy of the hermit crab that has outgrown his shell and needs to shed that shell in order to enter a new one.

The old one pinches, but that phase of being shell-less and exposed to predators and the blistering sun is terrifying and fraught with very real dangers.

Out of desperation, hermit crabs rush to stuff themselves into inadequate plastic bottles or even laundry detergent caps.

They dash toward the perfect shell only to suffer frustration when another hermit crab snags it first, forcing the first hermit crab to either fight the other (if the other hasn't yet entered the shell) or remain completely vulnerable with no immediate alternatives.

He can’t go back to the old pinching shell, yet he can’t remain with no shell either.

So like the hapless hermit crab, you just sit there in your life, feeling exposed and anxious, hoping that you’ll find a suitable shell before the sun roasts you or before something big and hungry eats you.

But the dilemma is...you really can’t stay in that wrong-sized shell forever.

Eventually, you’ll be deformed by the poor fit and then it’ll kill you. So once you’re out of the too-small shell, you can’t really go back either (although many still try).

Compassion Initially Disguised as "Cruelty"

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote of her mother’s need to avoid being a receiver in any way.

Even after she had triplets (of whom Elizabeth was one), any favors she received were immediately returned, no matter how difficult this proved to be. If someone sent her a pie, she immediately went to work making a pie from scratch give back.

This kind of insistence is mind-boggling because she faced the challenge of newborn triplets before disposable diapers and dishwashers and many other conveniences we take granted today.

In her old age, Elisabeth's mother became bed-ridden, which forced her to be dependent on the favors of others. Upon seeing her mother’s profound emotional suffering from this dependency, Elisabeth initially felt very angry at God.

But eventually, Elisabeth realized that it was good for her mother.

Her mother’s resistance against any kind of dependence on others was so extreme, it wasn’t coming from a good place and her mother needed to fix this. Because this was such a deeply entrenched part of her self-image for her whole life, letting go of this was extremely painful.

But ultimately, Elisabeth saw how it was good for her mother, which transformed Elisabeth’s rage against God transformed into gratitude.

But what if Elisabeth’s mother had faced this middah, this obstinate pride and false self-image, much earlier?

Would she have needed the nisayon of being bed-ridden in order to rectify this middah before she died?

(I’m not saying this is the reason why all bed-ridden people suffer. I don’t know the reason. But according to Elisabeth, this seemed to be the reason in her mother’s case.)

Discovering the Real You

When you let go of the things you believe define you, you end up discovering Hashem and you end up discovering the real you at your soul-level.

But it is a process and it’s neither easy nor painless. Ultimately, it is rewarding and it saves you pain later. Yet depending on where you’re holding regarding spiritual and emotional health, it can initially cause a feeling of fragmentation and a painful loss of identity.

This is why it is so important to cling to Hashem throughout the process. You can also find a lot of comfort in Tehillim, especially the chapters in which David Hamelech describes emotional and spiritual pain.

It’s a well-known tradition that when Tehillim mentions “enemies,” it also refers to the enemies within us: our negative yearnings and tendencies, the traits that drag us in the wrong direction.

Personally, I really abhor dealing with the “between” stage, with no shell to wear and no suitable shell in sight.

But I just don’t see another option.

The transformation needs to occur. And if I don’t do it myself, it will still happen, but in another and even more uncomfortable way.

Perhaps this is the reason why Judaism stresses the attitude of gratitude and hope so strongly, and why Rebbe Nachman of Breslov in particular emphasized the importance of being happy...even when you’re just an unappealing pathetic vulnerable hermit crab stuck between shells.

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Malbim's Vidui/Confession Dictionary

27/9/2017

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Hebrew contains a lot of different words for sin, joy, light, serenity, and much more.

And despite the excellent English translations that abound, it's hard to encapsulate what a Hebrew word really means within its English equivalent.

On Yom Kippur, we say Vidui (The Jewish Confession) to God.

But do we know what we're really saying?

Whether we say chatiti, aviti, u'peshati in Hebrew or I've erred, I've sinned, and I've transgressed...do we really know what we're saying?

By taking a look at the Malbim on Neviim & Ketubim (Prophets & Writings), you can find the true definitions of thousands of words.

I haven't found the Malbim's definitions of all the words to Vidui. But I thought I'd share the ones I have found up until now.

For most, I didn't note the original source of the definition in my notes. But the one or two I did note are cited below if you want to look it up for yourself.

(Because the words appeared in Neviim & Ketuvim in a different tense than they appear in Vidui, I've included the original root word found within the Malbim's commentary in order to be true to the Malbim's definition.)

If you'd also like a PDF version to print out, please press the blue button:

Vidui Definitions based on Malbim

Chatati – חטאתי
חוטא (choteh) – accidental sinner, pulled by his desires

Aviti – עויתי
עוון (avohn) – sin from corrupted thinking
עיוה (ivah) – more severe than the other synonyms for sin, includes confusion and madness, one confuses the bodily kochot (pressures) with the derech hayashar (straight path)

Pashati – פשעתי
פשע (pesha) – rebellion performed with the powers of intellect and insight

____________

אשמנו
אשם (asham) – one who is chayav (legally deserving of) punishment for his sins

העוינו
עיוה (ivah) – more severe than the other synonyms for sin, includes confusion and madness, one confuses the bodily kochot (pressures) with the derech hayashar (straight path)

והרשענו
רשע (rasha) – sins intentionally against Man and God

זדנו
זד (zed) – The zed is one who disagrees over the ways of wisdom and over the truth with protestations and inferences and plots to transgress it with repugnance (shiat nefesh), and it is the opposite of the modest one (tzanuah) who covers his face degrees within degrees and knows the "fluff" of his value like “and Moshe covered his face.” (Malbim, Mussar Chachma, Mishlei 11:2)

זדון (zadon) – He who opposes Hashem and the ways of Torah b’mezid and publicly, as is written: “And the man who will do b’zadon against Hashem—he is the reviler (megadef)”, and if it’s accompanied by excess pride, he makes fun of wisdom and chachamim, as is written: “the arrogant zed--letz is his name”...the zed creates schemes to commit evil against his fellow. (Malbim, Mishlei 11:2)

טפלנו שקר
שקר (sheker) – its truth can be clarified immediately

כיזבנו
כזב (kazav) – its truth can be clarified only later

לצנו
לץ (letz) – inactive, doesn’t do any evil, but doesn’t do any good, either. Just pursues wind and nothingness and frivolousness and jokes; doesn’t involve himself with Torah

ניאצנו
ניאץ (ni’atz) – degrades and scorns something

עווינו
עוון (avohn) – a sin from corrupted thinking

פשענו
פשע (pesha) – rebellion performed with the powers of intellect and insight

צררנו
צורר (tzorer) – active enemy (as opposed to one who just hates you in his heart)

רשענו
רשע (rasha) – sins intentionally against Man and God

שיחתנו
משחית (mashchit) – wants to destroy for no reason

The Malbim (1809-1879) was Rabbi Meir Leibush ben Yechiel Michel who was born in Russia and served as rav all over Eastern Europe. He was bitterly fought by the Reform Movement for most of his adult life, even suffering a brief imprisonment on a false accusation in Rumania by wealthy German Reformers. Fortunately, he left us an amazing commentary on the entire Torah among other valuable works he composed.

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Why "Faith" is Not Enough

26/9/2017

Over the past couple of years, I’ve met people who are going or who have gone through difficult challenges with health.

Some even suffered unexpected organ failure and needed a transplant (which they got, baruch Hashem).

Impressively, all these people keep soldiering on despite pain, terrible inconvenience, and even threat to life.

It’s beautiful to hear how they turned like a child to their Father b’Shamayim during lonely, fearful nights in the hospital and how they plow onward, managing their families and homes while investing in a meaningful job outside the home.

They all accept the problems as decrees from Hashem.

Some of them received a complete healing and some are still challenged by ongoing health issues.

But one thing niggled beneath the surface.

Even before their illness, I couldn’t help noticing a certain “giburah” attitude prickling through all their good traits: “If I can do it, then anyone can…and everyone must!”

(This is NOT true of all people suffering from health problems. I’m using these particular people as an example to make a point. I'm NOT blaming all people for their illness.)

Some of them even boast and demand outright that others follow their example.

The problem is that extenuating circumstances exist, which they refuse to acknowledge.

Giburah Knows Best!

For example, I frequented an apartment building in which lived a family whose children stayed outside a lot, playing vigorously in dirt and disturbing the neat exterior of the building.

Candy wrappers and popsicle drippings decorated the stairwell and the entryway.

And of course, there was always the neighborly pre-Pesach huffiness against those families (this popsicle-dripping family included) who dared let their children use the stairwell while carrying chametz (even chametz in a little baggie).

It's true this behavior is not okay.

However...the husband is a bad-tempered bellower and I couldn’t help noticing the mother has her children outside unsupervised in the spirit of other mothers I’ve known in the same situation: to protect their children.

The house stays neater and quieter that way, plus the children are away from their bad-tempered bulldog—I mean, their father.

And the mother can't always be with them to supervise because she may have a nursing or sleeping baby, or she may need to tend things in the home.

Or maybe it's just hard for her to sit outside for hours.

But the giburot insist on getting huffy with the old “I would never let myyyy children do that!” (No names actually mentioned of course! But if you know the people in their building, then you know exactly whom they mean...) Or they even say it in front of the mother in front of a group. Hint, hint! Everyone knows, the mother also knows, maybe now she’s dying inside from the group humilation, but she can’t show it.

These giburot also don’t consider that maybe if they didn’t have such flexible (er, submissive) husbands who let them run the whole show, then they might not have been able to be such giburot.

With some of these giburot, you can hear them getting loud and high-pitched throughout the evenings.

Nothing traumatic or abusive, but just very insistent and emotional about clean-up, homework, and proper bedtimes. I know one person who stopped indulging in his evening coffee on his porch because he found all the giburah's “yi-yi-yi-yi!” so annoying.

But if you’d ask her, she’d just say that she’s giving a proper chinuch. She feels she’s not really angry; she’s just being firm about what’s important.

She’s being mosser nefesh to raise her children properly. Proof: They never litter the building or throw dirt around outside.

But perhaps the woman married to the bad-tempered bulldog feels she can’t add even more stress and loudness to a home that’s already stormy.

And she’s right. Why should the kids get it from both parents when they’re already overwhelmed by one?

(The giburot will tell you that they either wouldn’t have married such a man OR they would never “allow” him to behave that way OR they would just put all their kochot in raising their children properly, even if that would mean yelling at them too.)

Or some mothers b’shitah decide they want to avoid indulging in routine yelling.

ME, me, ME, me, MEEEEEEEEE!

The giburot genuinely feel that life would be better for everyone if only everyone would be as organized and orderly and as giburah as...them!

They also feel that they're being completely fair and staying far from the ugly trait of hypocrisy. After all, they aren't asking anyone to do anything they wouldn't do themselves!

“I never left my stroller in the building lobby,” she says. “Even when I had twins and we lived on the second floor, I lugged that thing up and down aaaall those stairs!”

“Well,” said her neighbor. “I also never left my stroller in the lobby, even when I had two kids in the stroller and another two clinging to the side. But what can I do that I honestly no longer have the physical strength to lug even one little baby up and down the stairs in a stroller? It's not my fault that I'm no longer 29 and that my last pregnancy took so much out of me.”

That dissenting, weakened neighbor got a doubtful look in reply.

Part of the problem with giburot is that their own resources and strengths define what is important and what isn't.

If they can manage it, then it's important.

If they can't, then it's not important.

Simple as that!

What a Little Bit of Teshuvah Could Do

So amid all their good points—and these giburot really do possess a lot of fine and admirable qualities—there’s also lordliness, condemnation, sneaky lashon hara, publicly humiliating people, lack of empathy and understanding…all with the good intention making the world a better place by nudging others to get their act together (according to the gibburah's definition of "act together").

However...

What if they decided that since everything is from Hashem, they’ll accept the nisayon of candy wrappers with the same faith they accept their nisayon of illness?

What if they would daven for others’ shalom bayit, success in child-rearing, and good health with even half the fervor they daven for themselves?

What if they thanked Hashem for the irritation of litter and dirt and noise because heck, those irritations are a lot better than losing an internal organ?

Needless to say, I don’t know what Hashem decrees for each person and why different people suffer different things.

My question is if they had gone one step further past accepting Hashem’s Will of poor health (which is a phenomenal level, BTW, and they deserve credit for achieving that) ......and done a cheshbon hanefesh?

Note: Judaism actually insists that people do a cheshbon hanefesh over their suffering.

That's why their faith isn't enough—like when they retain stout bitachon that everything is for the best & will turn out for the best (which is really, really good, BTW).

It could well be that in addition to strengthening their bitachon, Hashem also wants them to develop some humility.

Perhaps He wants them to develop more compassion for people less blessed than they.

If someone would decide to stop putting herself on a pedestal as the example everyone needs to follow, if she would try to understand that we are not all made with equal situations and equal amounts of strength and equal amounts of intelligence nor do we possess equal amounts of other keilim and resources…then would she no longer need this nisayon to bring her down to size?

Would Hashem then allow her to keep her kidney or her gallbladder in such a situation?

Again, I’m not saying I know why people suffer. I don’t!

But IF the reason for that illness is only because Hashem wants that person to refine a particular aspect of herself—or to at least start refining that aspect with a first baby step—then wouldn’t at least a little bit of teshuvah possibly cure her?

Nothing's guaranteed. But possibly...?

Isn't it at least worth a try?

Learning from Others' Mistakes

Taking this home, it’s not really about these giburot.

I don’t know what they need to do exactly.

And certainly, they are doing many admirable things apart from their not-so-admirable traits.

These are very fine people in many ways.

But for my own self-scrutiny, I use these observations to ask myself, “What am I missing? What blind spot in myself am I overlooking?”

Because it’s not really about them.

Hashem is showing me their oversights to nudge me into knuckling down on my own blind spots.

If I see it, then Hashem expects me to do it. It’s not about condemning them.

It’s about learning from their mistakes to comb through my own mistakes and untangle my own blindspots.

In other words? Cheshbon hanefesh: a self-accounting of your soul.

And that's the work we're here to do.

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Malbim's Vidui/Confession Dictionary

Friendship & Encouraging Words

25/9/2017

As much I believe in the benefit of talking to Hashem on one’s own, there are still times when I crave chizuk.

And yes, there are still times when I wish I could pour out my heart to another person. Yet Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender exhorts against doing this.

Requesting chizuk?

Yes, very good; this is the point of Breslov's sichat chaverim (conversation of friends)

Pouring out your heart and revealing all the not-so-great aspects of yourself?

No, Rav Bender warns strongly against doing so.

What's Wrong with a Geshmak Heart-to-Heart Talk?

Initially, reading this particular exhortation was hard for me.

Okay, it was actually impossible for me.

Ever since my pre-teen years, I’ve loved a good heart-to-heart talk with a trustworthy and empathetic friend (charmingly referred to as sichat nefesh in Hebrew: soul conversation).

I especially loved all the deep-into-the-night sichot nefesh of my youth...

The sharing, bonding, and validation were truly blissful & so emotionally satisfying.

But as I got older, it became less gratifying.

Increasingly, such conversations started backfiring. Rather than feeling validated with renewed hope, I often felt punched in the stomach.

Or I felt reassured and validated in some ways, yet punched in the stomach in other ways.

Conversely, I also found it increasingly difficult to respond properly when I was on the listening end.

Did the person need validation? Reassurance? Help seeing the truly good aspects of her character?

Yet did she also need to be shown gently where she was going wrong (because sometimes, it was very obvious that she was doing something wrong)? Did she need some re-orientation? Just one of the above or a combination?

Whatever it was, I increasingly started to get it wrong. I felt like however I responded, it was all wrong. And I saw that I was no longer helping.

So I've pulled back a lot, both from talking and from listening.

In Words of Faith, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender exhorts against "confessing" your negative attributes and deeds to others.

By "confessing," he doesn’t mean the same confession as Catholics perform with priests.

If I understand him correctly, he means what many of us do at least occasionally, whether with friends, family, or with therapists: We feel bad about something, so we confide in someone else hoping for reassurance and support.

One major problem arises when we hit someone’s sensitive spot (called “a trigger” in today’s lingo).

Ideally, the listener should reassure you that whatever you did or whatever you're struggling with happens to everyone sometimes (i.e. you aren’t some innately defective loser) and reassure you that Hashem still loves you and is with you, and also the listener should point out at least one positive attribute you truly possess to encourage you.

For example, when Rav Yisrael Ber confided his pain at the persecution he felt from people who opposed his emuna ways, Rav Karduner admitted that he too found the verbal abuse and slander very difficult. Then he offered him chizuk.

(For the full story, please see here: www.myrtlerising.com/blog/a-tzaddiks-example-listen-empathize-encourage.)

Side Note:

Both men were on very high spiritual levels.

Yet Rav Karduner did not say, "Why, Yisrael Ber, what the heck is wrong with you? Are you an apikorus? Don't you know that everything is from Hashem? Anyway, you kneeeeew that people would react this way, so what are you complaining about? Just be happy!"

This is because despite knowing it's all from Hashem and for your own good, you could still find verbal abuse and slander very painful. So this great man validated the other's feelings.

To give an analogy: Physical pain (regardless of how high a level you are on) is also, well, painful.

Even if you know without a doubt that it is good for you and atones for all your sins and prevents you from seeing the face of Gehinnom, you will still feel the actual pain of the blow.

And that is normal.

A Tzaddik's Guide to Giving Chizuk

Rather than pouring out your heart to another person, it's better to find a trustworthy and understanding person to whom you can briefly outline your struggle and from whom you'll receive the following in return (based on Rav Bender's recommendations for the listener):

Give chizuk (Say something along the lines of: “Chazak—be strong! My brother, be strong! Hold on and do not be discouraged by anything!” This should be said encouragingly and not irritably, of course.)
Happy talk (I think this means to cheer up the other person.)
Encouraging words
Words of Torah
Do good (I think this means that the listener can offer a favor, if he or she is in the position to do so, like a loan or a meal or babysitting, etc.)
Seek the good points in each other

For more on this subject, please see How to Listen & How to Speak.

May we all merit to both give and receive the chizuk each person needs!

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How to Listen & How to Speak

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Why "Faith" is Not Enough

How to Listen & How to Speak

24/9/2017

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Rebbe Nachman of Breslov was against giving direct advice, something that his followers strove to uphold, even with their own children.

Furthermore, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender exhorts against revealing your sins to another person. As Rav Bender says:

“A regular person—even a great person—is certainly not able to hear in detail what passes over the teller. This includes a trainer or a teacher because it can hurt the teller. It can also cause distance between the teller and the listener due to shame and the like.”

(Words of Faith, Vol. I, page 371)

Because I love a good geshmak heart-to-heart discussion, I struggled for a while with following this directive. I love the bonding. And I love the validation and insights that I both receive and share with the other person

But over time, I saw that Rav Bender is absolutely right.

I realized that rather than helping, I was hurting people who turned to me and that I was also getting hurt when I turned to others.

But because of some inner resistance, I didn’t pick up on it right away.

Scenario #1: The "Triggered" Listener

Let's take an example of how listening can be an unexpected challenge.

For instance, let’s say your psyche was profoundly wounded by your parents constant yelling throughout your childhood AND you haven’t really worked on your emuna regarding this.

Now let’s say that your good friend (whom you know to be a fine person who earnestly works on her middot) confides in you that she yells at her kids sometimes, and needs chizuk to overcome this bad middah.

What does your sincere and good-hearted friend need? Chizuk! She needs reassurance that occasional yelling doesn’t make her a horrible mother, and she needs to hear validation that her recognizing it as a problem that demands a solution says a lot of good about her. Then she might want to discuss what she can do instead of yelling (and here, you should let her do most of the talking to work it out according to her own soul needs).

But if you’re traumatized by the parental yelling you endured as a child, then what do you do?

First of all, you’re going to feel like your friend is doing a truly horrible thing to her children. Even though maybe she isn’t. Maybe she’s got rowdy, thick-skinned boys who aren’t traumatized by yelling because your friend hardly yells at them. Maybe they even find it entertaining when she yells at them.

But you won’t be able to even imagine this because your reality was so different.

And it's even good that you are so firm about not repeating this terrible behavior.

So you will project all your trauma and disgust onto your earnest friend. Not only will you not help her, but you’ll end up demonizing and discouraging a good and sincere person, and making her feel worse (when she already feels bad about herself) and possibly incite her to behave even worse because mothers who despise themselves don’t parent well.

So does that make you a bad person?

Nope.

You have such bad memories of parental yelling that you can’t think objectively about it. You can’t even imagine that her kids aren’t somehow traumatized by it. Maybe you even think you’re saving her children by telling her how horrific yelling is and shaming (whether subtly or overtly) her about it, even if she only does it occasionally.

But please note that from now on, you’ll think more poorly of her, whether you mean to or not. And your trauma-based response to her hurts her rather than helps her, even though you only mean help and not to hurt.

It could even be that you’re doing worse things to your kids than occasional yelling. (Rather than yelling occasionally, some parents engage in patching, frequent sarcasm, constantly comparing their children unfavorably with their siblings or other children, or they engage in neglect.) It could be that you’re overall a worse mother than her, but you will still feel superior and have a hard time liking her as much as you did before.

So who benefits here? No one.

Scenario #2: The Pollyanna Listener

But what if your friend or relative really is messing up and wants validation and reassurance for wrong behavior?

I know someone who expressed frustration regarding this kind of dynamic.Why?

She assumed that people felt bad about the problematic behavior in which they frequently indulged.
She assumed that they wanted to heal themselves just like she wanted to heal herself.
She assumed that their lack of any expressed remorse was simply a defensive reaction or because they were too ashamed or pained to express remorse.

Therefore, it sometimes took her months or even years to wake up to the fact that the people actually felt entitled to behave this way and weren’t looking for a way to fix their problematic conduct!

Some people honestly think that even behavior clearly forbidden by halacha is justifiable or “cute” or “not such a big deal” or simply unavoidable.

Furthermore, under the influence of modern psychology, many people believe that if problematic people feel good about themselves (healthy self-esteem! positive self-image!), then positive change will come.

Based on modern pop psychology, many people believe that if you validate feelings and tell problematic people positive truths about themselves (not ego-stroking, but truly good character traits), then these people will eventually come around on their own and improve.

But they don’t! In the experience of the frustrated person mentioned above, it never happened!

So how do you think she felt about them once she realized their true perceptions and values?

Very uncomfortable. she lost some respect for them, quite frankly.

Of course she recognized that they still have wonderful potential and that she still has a mitzvah to love them. And of course it's easy to see how the trauma in their lives had desensitized them. In fact, you can also realize that had you been through what they’d been through, you wouldn’t have behaved any better.

(In fact, I've definitely dealt with people where I know that, had I endured what they did, I could easily have turned out much worse than them!)

But tachlis? Most people are not on a high enough level for this intellectual knowledge to influence their emotions.

So it's natural to feel lost regarding how to deal with people that you can no longer relate to and have lost sympathy for.

In that case, do you think such a person still be a good confidant for these people?

No way.

(And this same dynamic can occur with therapists too, BTW.)

The Truly Beneficial Listener

So what’s the solution?

It’s really to talk to Hashem. Then you’re free of other people’s prejudices, triggers, and blindspots.

For example, a regular person might lose affection for you once you reveal your lack of remorse and unwillingness to work on your middot.

But Hashem won’t! He always loves you, no matter what. You can even tell Hashem, “Listen, I don’t feel remorse when I verbally abuse others. I actually feel kind of good. Intellectually, I know this is wrong, but it feels so right! Can you help me do teshuvah on this anyway?”

He’ll be thrilled you decided to stop by and discuss it with Him. Seriously.

If you do need to talk to someone in the spirit of Breslov’s sichat chaverim (conversation of friends), then Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender recommends just confiding your general issue to a person who knows how to give chizuk.

This doesn’t have to mean a tzaddik. Just someone who is also sincerely working on his or her own emuna and can relate to these down times.

He recommends the listener do the following:

Give chizuk (Say something along the lines of: “Chazak—be strong! My brother, be strong! Hold on and do not be discouraged by anything!” This should be said encouragingly and not irritably, of course.)
Engage in happy talk (I think this means to cheer up the other person.)
Provide encouraging words
Speak words of Torah
Do good (I think if the person needs a loan or a meal or babysitting, etc.)
Seek good points in each other

Needless to say, the listener should also know how to keep a secret.

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Shanah Tovah & Sorry!

20/9/2017

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It's always weird to apologize on a blog. You don't even know the vast majority of your readers.
But just the same, I am sorry if anything I wrote here hurt you in some way. My intention is always to build and not to destroy, but sometimes good intentions just aren't enough and hurtful messages come out anyway.
So I hope that you, whoever you are wherever you are, will take this as a personal apology.
And thanks for reading and thanks also to all who've left comments.
I really appreciate your readership and your thoughts.

May we all have a sweet year!
________________________
Some articles that can contribute to having a meaningful Rosh Hashanah:
14 Ways to Sweeten Dinim
Dr. Ballen's Really Helpful SWAP Tool

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Little Yael's Rosh Hashanah Coat

19/9/2017

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A door in Morocco

Yael [not her real name] grew up next door to my husband, both in Morocco and in Eretz Yisrael.

Several years older than him, she remembered things from Morocco that he couldn’t as a baby.

We spent Shabbat in her villa with her family in a pastoral area of Eretz Yisrael.

As a religious woman brimming with joy and vitality, she and her husband celebrate Saturday night Melaveh Malka with singing, tambourines, and bongo drums.

At one point, she reminisced about Morocco, describing the good relations Jews enjoyed with their Muslim neighbors.

But when the Jews pushed out the pro-Arab British and established a country of their own, the Arab propaganda machine started up against all Jews everywhere.

Like other Moroccan Jews I've met, Yael emphasized how crimes against Moroccan Jews were committed by Muslim strangers, and not by the Muslims they knew and lived with (unlike in Europe, where pogroms and Nazi collaboration were carried out by non-Jewish "friends" and neighbors).

She also confirmed Moroccan Jewry's unwavering belief that Morocco's royal family opposed the Jew-hating outbreaks, but couldn't always stop the riled-up masses.

Here, I’ll tell the story in Yael’s own words as best I remember:

I was six years old and it was one of our last Rosh Hashanahs in Morocco. My father was a tailor by trade and a chazzan [cantor] by love, a profession which he upheld free of charge.

That Rosh Hashanah, my father made me a brand new coat in my favorite color--techeilet like the sky, a color I still adore and love to wear!

It was beautiful. Sky-blue velvet trimmed with white fur and beautifully made by my abba—especially for me! I couldn’t wait to wear it!

I just felt my abba loved me so much!

But that was the time when the Arabs started acting up. Their mosques and radios incited them against us.

Rosh Hashanah arrived and I was dancing with the anticipation of wearing my new coat, of being wrapped in my father’s love and the beauty of the coat.

But my mother said, “Yael! Don’t you dare go outside in that coat! It’s not safe anymore. You wait until the men come and then you’ll go with them to the beit haknesset [synagogue]. Don’t you go out by yourself wearing that coat!”

Yet I couldn’t wait.

And you know how six-year-olds are…I told myself, I won’t actually go outside on the street; I’ll just wait on the steps. That’s not really outside the home. The steps are part of the home.

Then I decided that I won’t wear the coat; I won’t be going out in my coat. I’ll just put it over my arm. And that way, I won’t be disobeying my mother.

So very quietly, I snuck out the door with my beloved coat draped over my arm and waited on the steps for the men to come and take me to the beit haknesset.

Just then—before I could even realize what was happening—an Arab man dashed up to me and just ripped the coat off my arm!

As I watched him race off into the darkness, I couldn’t move.

I, a little girl, could not go running after an Arab man to get my coat back.

And I couldn’t leave the doorstep because it was too dangerous to go out in the street.

Yet I couldn't even stay where I was because that was dangerous too! I mean, look at what just happened on my own doorstep!

But I also couldn’t go back inside my home and face my mother...especially when she warned me against doing exactly what I’d done.

And what could I possibly say to my abba?

I couldn't go, but I couldn't stay either.

I’ll never forget being this helpless little girl standing outside on the doorstep of my home, frozen in place with no place at all.

And that’s where she ended it.

It was clear from her face and the hand she clutched over her heart as she spoke that even fifty years later, the trauma was still raw.

(I know, I know…it makes you want to storm over to Morocco and shout: GIVE THAT LITTLE JEWISH GIRL HER COAT BACK!)

No one died, no one was even bruised or even cursed, but there’s something about these very human stories that tear at your heart.

But There’s Still a Happy End!

The happy postscript is that Yael remained frum after arriving to the poor, dysfunctional immigrant neighborhood in Eretz Yisrael (a lucky fact she attributes to her father's beautiful singing and the musical atmosphere in the home, plus her brother’s ability to bring some of the yeshivah atmosphere and enthusiasm home from the yeshivah which he later attended).

She earned a college degree and married a cheerful man who also likes music.

But the beginning of the marriage saw no children.

After 4 years of infertility, the Lubavitcher Rebbe came to Yael’s husband in a dream and promised them a son within a year.

And so it was. Within a year, their first son was born followed by a daughter three years later, and then no more.

Interestingly, neither Yael nor her husband shared any connection with Lubavitcher Chassidus or the Lubavitcher Rebbe other than the general esteem in which Yael and her husband held all tzaddikim. The Lubavitcher Rebbe's appearance occurred completely out of the blue.

When the dream’s message was fulfilled, Yael and her husband became Lubavitchers.

May all Jews everywhere merit to embrace all our chagim in peace.

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Even If You Must Grit Your Teeth to Do It...

18/9/2017

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I've written a lot on the importance and power of thanking Hashem, even for exasperating and painful events.

But it's really not easy.

If something is genuinely overwhelming, infuriating, and horrible, it's extremely painful to thank Hashem for it. Even if you know everything Hashem does is for your own good, some things are just over the top.

But I force myself to do so anyway (most of the time...) and it really does sweeten and lighten the harsh things in life.

Rav Arush says that even if your "thank you" is dry, it's still effective.

And I can personally attest to the truth of this.

Even if you're full of resentment, just the act of lip-service that it is somehow for your best impacts you in profound ways you may not immediately sense.

The mere act of expressing gratitude toward God in the most exasperating times kindles a high-octane spark that can ignite tremendous blessing.

This is true even if you have to grit your teeth to do it and every fiber of your being is screaming, "NO I HATE THIS!!!!!!!"

In the interest of full disclosure, here is a self-portrait of how I sometimes express my gratitude to Hashem in overwhelmingly trying times:

This is perfectly acceptable.

I'm only human and so are you.

So don't despair.

Just take that step and you'll eventually reap blessing!

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The 3 Best Ways to Give the Benefit of the Doubt

17/9/2017

It took me ages to realize that I was giving the benefit of the doubt in the wrong manner. If being dan l’kaf zechut leads to chanifah (often translated as “flattery”), then it’s harmful.

Chanifah is strictly forbidden by the Torah.

(Shortcut explanation of chanifah: It’s basically any time you give the impression that the forbidden is permissible.)

Judging favorably is a popular topic in frum lectures, books, and articles.

Popular Benefit #1: "Things Aren't What They Seem..."

Most of material on giving the benefit of the doubt promotes the theme of “Things Aren’t What They Seem.”

In other words, the suspicious-looking person is indeed innocent or truly not at fault.

As long as the assumption of innocence won’t harm you or anyone else, you are indeed obligated to believe the best of the other person.

And some inconvenience is okay to risk, but potential harm demands precautions.

So it’s okay to say to yourself (and to Hashem!): “I don’t know if things are or are not wha they seem.” Or, “I’m just not sure. I can’t decide how much to give the benefit of the doubt here.”

If you’re from America or Great Britain, you’ll probably want things to be black-and-white, you'll want to act with confidence, and just have a pat solution of how to proceed.

This reaction is because of the surrounding culture.

But it’s perfectly okay to be uncertain.

Some people really are bad. Some really do cause harm.

Sometimes, things aren't only what they seem, they're even worse.

So while we can't gossip about things, it's okay to privately hold out until the situation becomes clearer.

Popular Benefit #2: Justifying Forbidden Behavior

The second popular category is the idea that a person “just doesn’t know” or that the person’s difficult experiences, whether past or present, justify the dysfunctional behavior.

If a person truly does not know, then that’s understandable.

We all fall into that category sometimes. And while it is some excuse, damage still occurs.

For example, there was an otherwise shomer Shabbat community who, out of ignorance, put their cholent in the fridge overnight and then transferred it to the electric platter Shabbat morning.

Totally forbidden.

Are they bad people? Not at all!

But can you eat at their house? Are they allowed to eat their own cholent?

A halachic authority needs to be asked.

Shabbat transgression is still taking place even though they honestly did not know. They’re not evil or heretical, but it’s still a problem.

(And yes, they were told at some point, but struggled to accept the prohibition because their parents had warmed up the cholent the same way.)

The problem arise when someone does know better.

Sometimes, they even admit this outright, usually in a joking manner, like saying how fun it is to hurt people or how easy you make it for them to criticize you, or how you or someone else really "deserves it”…

At this point, if you confide in someone about it, you’ll probably be introduced to the “going/gone through a hard time” excuse.

Like Popular Benefit #1, "hard-knock life" can indeed justify a certain amount of less-than-ideal behavior.

Someone in physical pain or ill or going through trying times with their marriage, children, or finances may not find the ability to smile, greet you nicely, watch their children properly, or pay attention properly within a conversation.

They can talk too much or too little, eat too much or too little, struggle to arrive to appointments on time, be brusque when dealing with people, and so on.

This excuse works well in situations in which the other person is truly overwhelmed and probably wants to be better, but just can’t make it at the moment.

However, this does not justify stealing (or being a willing and aware party to unethical situations), any kind of abuse, nastiness, embarrassing people, or any other forbidden behavior.

I think most of us can admit we’ve taken out a bad mood on an innocent person and also admit we were wrong to do so. Okay, that happens. In such a case, you apologize, sincerely take measures to prevent it from happening again, and go on with your life.

No one’s perfect.

The problem comes when people behave this way for years.

And everyone will dance around this person’s victims chanting, “She doesn’t know! He’s struggling in his marriage! She had a difficult childhood! He’s having financial problems!”

So…it’s wrong to do this.

I cannot emphasize enough how every mussar sefer and how Rav Levi Yitzchak himself says that you cannot join with people who consistently harm others.

Yes, you should be courteous to them! You must be careful not to embarrass them or any other behavior the Torah forbids.

Rav Levi Yitzchack says that if a person is truly wicked, you cannot even join him in thought—you can't even think much about him!

You can't think about him except to find a good quality in him (which is different than saying his theft or verbal abuse is okay).

Rav Levi Yitzchak explains:

"The whole connection with him is only spiritual...Meaning that all of my thought around a bad person is only to seek and find the Divinity and good that is still found in him..."

(Words of Faith II, page 285)

So what do you do?

The Torah itself commands you to judge others on the side of merit.

You must do so. The question is, how?

3 Ways to Judge Favorably

Here are 3 ways:

1) You tell Hashem how, from the other person’s point of view, they feel their behavior is completely appropriate.

(Note: You are NOT saying that it is appropriate. Wrong is wrong. You are simply telling Hashem how from THEIR point of view, it seems okay in THEIR eyes. Not in your eyes, not in Hashem’s eyes—THEIR eyes. This is directly advised in Likutei Moharan I:6)

2) You find a positive aspect in their negative behavior: “His penchant for mockery would be great if used against avodah zarah—may it be Your Will that he channels it for the good!”

3) You can find a good point that has nothing to do with the bad behavior, i.e. regarding a person who tends to be dishonest: “Nonetheless, she is genuinely kind and intuitive toward elderly people.”

Once you find a person’s good point—at least one—then you open the door for them to return to the right path and fulfill all their wonderful potential.

It’s a deceptively powerful act.

Of one who finds positive aspects in others, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender says:

"…it could be he has many baalei teshuvah dispersed around the globe…yet he knows nothing of this whatsoever…he has no idea that through him, so many people came back in teshuvah.

For indeed, through this that he judged them on the side of merit, he paved the way for them."

(Words of Faith II, page 285, emphasis mine--MR)

And this is the correct way to give the benefit of the doubt and judge favorably.

We want to effect real change in the world and this one of the best ways to do it.

One Practical Powerful Tool to Transform the World

Make a list (mental or written) of people you simply hate, or who have hurt or betrayed or even just mildly annoyed you, then go down the list and judge each person on the side of merit using at least one of the above 3 strategies.

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Even If You Must Grit Your Teeth to Do It...

A Tiny Tale of Jewish Unity

15/9/2017

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A neighbor who is part of Biyaner (or Boyaner, if you're outside of Eretz Yisrael) Chassidus told me of a couple within her Chassidus where the husband is a Biyaner chassid and the wife is a Moroccan (and a second marriage for both, if I'm not mistaken).

Marrying outside their ethnicity and marrying someone non-chassidish isn't the norm by Biyaners, but this guy did it and he and his wife are very happy. Anyway, the Moroccan wife decided to dedicate a sefer Torah, which called for a huge celebration.

What ended up happening was a huge celebration was organized and in addition to the Biyaner Rebbe and other important Biyaner personages, important Sefardi rabbis attended too.

This also called for a mix of music.

Happily, when Sefardi songs were played, the chassidim danced and sang with the Sefardim to Sefardi music using the Sefardi Hebrew pronunciation. Then when chassidish songs were played, the Sefardim danced and sang to the chassidish music with the chassidish Hebrew pronunciation.

And all the participants danced and sang to each others' nusachim with great gusto.

"If Am Yisrael would be like this all the time," enthused my neighbor, "then Mashiach would already be here!"

Then she emphasized that she was just repeating what everyone else at the celebration was saying.

And she's right.

Yet again, I see how much regular Jews want to unite with each other.

May this aspect of us always shine through!

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<<Previous

What's Stopping You from Making Real Change?

Hermit Crabs

Compassion Initially Disguised as "Cruelty"

Discovering the Real You

Malbim's Vidui/Confession Dictionary

Why "Faith" is Not Enough

Giburah Knows Best!

ME, me, ME, me, MEEEEEEEEE!

What a Little Bit of Teshuvah Could Do

Learning from Others' Mistakes

Friendship & Encouraging Words

What's Wrong with a Geshmak Heart-to-Heart Talk?

A Tzaddik's Guide to Giving Chizuk

How to Listen & How to Speak

Scenario #1: The "Triggered" Listener

Scenario #2: The Pollyanna Listener

The Truly Beneficial Listener

Shanah Tovah & Sorry!

Little Yael's Rosh Hashanah Coat

But There’s Still a Happy End!

Even If You Must Grit Your Teeth to Do It...

The 3 Best Ways to Give the Benefit of the Doubt

Popular Benefit #1: "Things Aren't What They Seem..."

Popular Benefit #2: Justifying Forbidden Behavior

3 Ways to Judge Favorably

One Practical Powerful Tool to Transform the World

A Tiny Tale of Jewish Unity

Myrtle Rising

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