Blog Archives - Myrtle Rising

Links to Earlier Posts for Parshat Beresheit

30/9/2021

With the autumn chagim of this year (5782/2021) running a 3-week rhythm of Shabbat-Chag-Shabbat-Chag, etc., I think all the frum writing outlets are struggling to keep up with publishing chag/parsha-relevant material—and this blog is no exception.

So in lieu of a new post, here is a list of past posts for Parshat Beresheit:

From Rav Avigdor Miller

From Rav Yehudah Petiyah's Minchat Yehudah

Based on the Kli Yakar

the-kli-yakar-parshat-beresheit.html
the-torah-view-of-our-planet-earth-use-it-or-lose-it.html (includes the most effective way to prevent vastly destructive wildfires)

A Bizarre & Disturbing Story that Demonstrates the Path to Success & Provides Inspiration to Rescue Us from Despair

29/9/2021

In Words of Faith, Volume I, pages 309-310, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender describes a young man from Poland (identified only by the initials "S.H.") who had everything going for him.

S.H. came from a wealthy family of lineage distinguished by great tzaddikim.

His wedding took place in Russia.

But then something happened.

As Rav Bender described it:

...he was not successful in the match and it did not end up well.

He was someone very sensitive with a great mind and she was not at all compatible for him.

As a byproduct of the match breaking, he had an awful fall from Yiddishkeit.

Because Rav Bender maintains such discretion & refined language, it's not clear exactly what happened back then.

Yes, the destructive nets of the Haskalah & Reform movements reached everyone, including the Jews in Uman—and yes, they sometimes reached an innocent Jew via a secretly corrupted spouse.

Furthermore, some opposition to Breslov specifically also chafed in Uman at that time.

But it's not clear what exactly went wrong with this shidduch or what specifically the girl did that ruined this boy so badly—especially without any Internet—only that it clearly ended in an early divorce.

Rav Bender continued:

It is impossible to describe the change that occurred in that young man.

Even though a heart of fervor for Hashem Yisbarach burned in him, but on the other side of the coin, he was subject to terrible deterioration...

Yikes.

And Rav Bender knew him very well.

In addition to all the good Rav Bender did, he & his family also hosted around 20 guests for Rosh Hashanah in Uman each year.

The guests came from all over & comprised tzaddikim along with other good Jews devoted to Hashem.

(After Rav Bender came to Eretz Yisrael in 1949, he recalled those Rosh Hashanah meals with great fondness, struggling to describe the inspiration & sweetness of the intense spiritual pleasure experienced by everyone there.)

This ruined young man also joined Rav Bender & the special guests.

There, Rav Bender remembers the young man participating in their holy discussions with "words that fired up hearts for Hashem Yisbarach" and "Passionate words that shook all hearts"—everything accompanied by a "fervor and inspiration that is hard to describe."

And yet...

Immediately upon parting from this lofty group & unparalleled spiritual experience, the young man turned into a completely different person the moment he stepped out the back door of Rav Bender's home, leaving Rav Bender musing:

But the great wonder is how one person was composed of two opposite people.

For he only left the back door of the house and he already turned into someone else. Someone in danger each moment, rachmana litzlan...

Rav Bender explained that the young man's soul, pure at its root & preserved among a good family for his whole life, simply could not acclimate to "the dirt that became attached to him."

Nor did the young man ever figure out how to get rid of this "dirt."

So the young man, due to his high level of self-awareness, remained trapped in this terrible conflict raging within.

(And yeah, I still don't understand what his kallah did that caused all this, but the aftershocks clearly had a lot to do with the innate sensitivity of the young man; it seems that, paradoxically, a less sensitive young man could have recovered himself more easily.)

Rav Bender recalled how this young man prostrated himself over the Tsiyun (grave site) of Rebbe Nachman, screaming to Hashem to "take him out of the depths of the klippos that he had fallen into.":

"I'm burning alive!" he cried from the roar of his heart.

"I am burning from what happened to me. I feel as if a fire burns within me. As if a flaming angel stands on my heart and is ready to burn and consume me alive..."

Rav Bender described the young man's intense screams as if hearing someone ready die "just to get out of this harsh battle."

And Rav Bender always believed in the young man's sincerity.

He confirmed how everyone knew how much this young man's heart "burned for his Father in Heaven"—from the side of his yetzer tov.

As Rav Bender stated:

But it was also known how he was in a state of constant dreadful battle.

And in a war, you get hit...

That's a surprisingly astute & sympathetic view on the inner battle very self-aware & highly sensitive people endure.

Rav Bender further described what they witnessed of the young man:

He would prostrate himself on the Tsiyun with such screams and roars:

"Save!!! Ratavit!!! Save, save — I am going to be burned alive — ah!"

And Rav Bender summed it up with:

So that was S.H., whose source was holy and pure from elite lineage, great righteous Rabbis.

The End.

And what an end—Gevald!

The whole saga sounds bizarre to us today.

Actually, I think it was also out of the ordinary for back then too, and probably part of the reason why others sometimes viewed Breslov with wariness—because the Breslover tzaddikim were willing to accept people on any level, and especially if people sincerely struggled to work on themselves, regardless of how often failure occurred.

The Breslovers also displayed a certain acceptance of extreme emotion—as long as it was used in service of Hashem.

For example, if screaming like a raging warrior in the throes of death on the battlefield was what the person needed to do as part of his spiritual inner work, then the Breslov tzaddikim were like, "Well, if that's what it takes...then that's what it takes. To each his own."

What's interesting about all this is how although Rav Bender himself did not relate personally to this level of struggle, he was nonetheless able to accept this young man's level of struggle.

Yes, Rav Bender was certainly familiar with spiritual struggles & the challenge of undesirable middot, but not to the extreme of this young man's struggle.

He described the response of himself & the others who witnessed this young man's raging inner conflict:

Nevertheless, despite the tremendous fall that he went through, they did not look at him with eyes of judgment.

Rather they judged him favorably and did not chalila offend him.

Everyone knew of the strong fire that was raging inside of him and they learned a merit on him.

For this reason, he was left in his Jewishness.

I think the last statement means, despite whatever severe transgressions the young man kept committing, he did not go completely off the derech.

He could easily have severed all connection to Torah—as many did in those days—but instead maintained a connection to Torah & mitzvot by virtue of his connection to the Breslov community & his attempts to do teshuvah.

And the community's ability to give him the benefit of the doubt & refrain from mocking or deriding him allowed him that connection.

When Things aren't What They Seem

There's a few lessons to be gleaned from this anecdote, from the most obvious to the more subtle.

Let's start with a more subtle insight.

Without knowing what exactly transpired to corrupt the young man, a major reason why his fall proved so severe & ultimately irreparable (the young man apparently never managed to rectify himself before the Nazis came) was because of his innate sensitivity & purity.

A less sensitive person may not have fallen so far or so irreparably.

While modern psychology acknowledges the existence of the Highly Sensitive Personality, this label exists without the awareness of sin vs. mitzvah, and morality vs. immorality.

(Furthermore, even within the Highly Sensitive Personality, gradations exist—with some people being highly sensitive and others highly-highly-highly sensitive.)

Modern people probably look at the story above and label the young man as "neurotic" or "OCD" or a whole host of other labels—possibly accompanied by recriminations against the Breslov rabbis for not reassuring the young man or getting him psychological help.

Yet they did not intervene because Rav Bender makes it clear (without going into details) the young man was indeed sinning terribly AND knew it.

The young man came from a strong & knowledgeable Torah background that did not allow him the luxury of deceiving himself.

So from the outside, the young man looks like he's an innately a lowly person—possibly even Erev Rav—and it looks like his fall merely reveals the innate badness that lay hidden within him all along.

But really, his extreme "hypocrisy" & contradiction developed davka BECAUSE of his innate sensitivity & original purity of soul.

This lies in direct contrast to how he appeared on the outside.

Certainly, some people who act out such extreme contradictions reveal a very real & hidden facet of their personality all along.

But not always.

Sometimes, it's the sensitive personality that exhibits the most extreme behavior.

It's the soul whose pristineness suffers severe stains & cannot deal with the stains & filth, agitating against the tumah as one agitates against thorny burrs or a swarm of inescapable hornets.

Even today, experts (both rabbis & mental health workers) understandably struggle to differentiate between an actual mental health issue and the inner struggle of a particularly sensitive person whose level of sensitivity & self-awareness do not allow them the level of complacency found by others.

So that's one lesson.

(It also seems to me the extremity of the young man's fall should be emphasized by who surrounded him. He dwelt among people on the stature of Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, Rav Eliyahu Chaim Rosen, and Rav Avraham Chazan—among other great Jews—plus his own Torah knowledge & strong connection to teshuvah & prayer...yet despite all this support & effort, he never managed to extract himself from his fallen state.)

The Secret to Success is in the Struggle, Not the Outcome

The obvious major lesson here—and apparently Rav Bender's purpose in telling this story—is the value of sincere struggle.

And to emphasize: SINCERE struggle.

The paradoxical idea that you can achieve success without ever experiencing success?

I think this idea only exists in Judaism.

Without having carried out a survey of all other belief systems on this particular issue, I can't say for sure...but I think so.

For example, the awareness of the wrongness of stealing or murder exists in other belief systems.

All cultures institute laws against such transgressions (how ever they define stealing or murder).

But the idea that you actually succeed as long as you sincerely try—that you can earn a place in Heaven simply by sincere effort without any actual visible accomplishment?

I think that's only found in Judaism.

Just as a non-Chassidish example, we have a Q&A with Rav Itamar Schwartz regarding a sin Judaism counts as one of the most severe for men:

QUESTION:
If a person has a struggle with Shemiras HaBris and he davens a lot about it and sometimes even cries about it to Hashem, but he keeps falling in this area, will he merit the Geulah (Redemption) if he hasn’t yet fixed these sins by the moment the Geulah arrives?

Especially because there are sources that say that only people who are shomer the bris (people who are careful in the area of Bris Kodesh) will merit the Geulah.

ANSWER:
If one tried very hard all of his life in this area, and he also suffered because of it, he is not disqualified from the Geulah.

www.bilvavi.net/files/Bilvavi_171_Shemos_What.We.Came.Here.For_5781.pdf
(last question on last page of the PDF)

So this idea is a quintessentially Jewish attitude toward struggle & success.

Internalizing this belief can save a person from falling into despair & giving up completely.

At the same time, the attempt to wrap one's mind around this idea slams into a formidable wall for nearly everyone because it goes against the entire attitude of our surrounding cultures.

Yet the belief that struggle IS success is paradoxically the secret to success—and to meriting Redemption & a good place in the World to Come.

We can leave off with the words of Rav Akiva Rabinovitz as quoted by Rav Ofer Erez in Ahavat Kedumim, page 170:

Hakadosh Baruch Hu holds absolutely no hakpadah [strict condemnation] against a Jewish person who possess evil traits and lusts.

Hakadosh Baruch Hu does not come in accusations about this since He implanted these within him, and He brought us down here for this purpose.

***

The hakpadah occurs when the Jewish person does not strive to seek out the path and the counsel as to how to get out of [those evil traits and lusts].

And that's the Truth.

*Note: I made minor adjustments to some of the punctuation & capitalization in quoting the original text of the book, which is anyway an English translation of Rav Bender's original Yiddish lectures. Yet in doing so, I omitted the usual square brackets [] and "sic" and other editorial signs because of a preference for clearer text and to not make the reader cross-eyed with square brackets crammed into all sorts of unexpected & distracting places.

Related Posts:

Motivational Quote from Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender about the Sparkling Significance of Even Just ONE MOMENT of Regret & Longing to Be Better

27/9/2021

"The moment such a pure thought sparkles in the mind,
one moment of regret and longing for good…
Immediately — in a moment,
one is already separated from evil.
Already a good precious moment is counted to your merit.
Even a single instant is not insignificant --
it is even very important."

— Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, Words of Faith, Volume I, page 280

A Free Quote about True Friendship

24/9/2021

"A true friend reaches for your hand & touches your heart."

Stories to Show Why We Need the Motivation of Heavenly Punishment & Fear, In Addition to the Motivation of Reward & Love

22/9/2021

This post is connected to a previous post:
how-it-helps-to-hear-about-judgement-punishment-and-fear-of-god.html

Why We Feel Reluctant to Address Judgmental or "Scary" Aspects of Jewish Belief—And Why We Should Anyway

For the past couple of generations, most people do not appreciate learning about punishment or fear of God or anything they deem "negative."

As children & teenagers, some felt overwhelmed by an dysfunctional or heavy emphasis on Heavenly chastisement or fear of God & fear of Heavenly wrath.

Due to negative experiences, others genuinely struggle to relate to Torah concepts of punishment & fear in the healthy & beneficial way Judaism requires.

Upon initially entering the frum world, I also felt strong resistance to these concepts.

They simply do not fit in to modern slogans of "Live & let live!" "I'm okay, you're okay!" "Do your own thing!" And so on.

Yes, love, reward, and the feel-good aspects should be the main focus of Judaism.

At the same time, it's a problem to cast aside one of the core fundamentals of Judaism just because they don't feel good or are harder to accept.

After all, the fundamentals regarding the seemingly "negative" or "scary" aspects exist for a reason.

Using Healthy Fear as Part of Your Arsenal against the Yetzer Hara

Knowing that any forbidden pleasure we experience in This World will need to be paid back (unless we do teshuvah) via suffering in This World or the Next—this can stop our yetzer hara in its tracks.

Yes, directing our minds toward the positive, reward, creates the best path toward goodness.

Knowing the great appreciation in Shamayim for our self-restraint or ability to change direction in the middle of a challenging situation—these also help us so much toward doing the right thing!

But the idea of negative consequences helps more than people realize.

As long as you imagine Hashem will reward you enormously for even your minutest acts of good (and it IS true—He will do exactly that!) while overlooking your lesser deeds & motives (because of popular excuses like tinok sheh nishba, a weak generation, significant self-improvement & self-awareness is only for tzaddikim, etc.)—you may find yourself blissfully ignoring some very problematic aspects.

For example, the majority of people (including personality disorders) indulge in an abusive behavior because they minimize the abusive behavior as "cute" or "clever" or "funny" or being out of their control because, hey, that's just how they are and it even runs in the family.

(I call the last one The Popeye Defense: ♪"I yam what I yam and that's all what I yam—I'm Popeye the sailor man!"♫ Please note: This jingle is not considered a legitimate sanigor before the Heavenly Tribunal. Singing it on Judgement Day is not a Get-Out-of-Gehinnom-Free card.)

Or they justify the abusive behavior as being served just desserts—their victim deserved it.

In the personality disordered mind, their abuse of others is considered self-defense.

The Danger of Victim Mentality

A key precursor to abusive behavior is self-pity.

"I'm a victim!"

They see their victims as their persecutors, which allows them (in their own dysfunctioning mind) to behave however they want.

The most extreme examples of where victim mentality leads:

Nazi Germany, which insisted on seeing their atrocities & genocide of the Jews as self-defense—they, the Master Race, were victims of the inferior race of Jews; they needed to defend themselves against inferior races.

Communism, which insisted on committing numerous horrors & millions of deaths...all for the sake of "equality" and helping the "poor workers"—in other words, supporting victims against their oppressors & inequality.

Sociopaths/Psychopaths often know what they're doing without excuses, but not always and anyway, the majority of abusive behaviors derive from the above excuses.

So because the victim mentality is the main justification for abusive behavior, we're focusing on that.

Not all abusive behavior means someone is an abusive person overall.

A generally decent person may engage in abusive behaviors at times.

The knowledge that a behavior is forbidden & not so easily dismissed by Hashem as we like to think can prevent us from indulging ourselves.

The Little-Known Prohibition of Chanifah

The final reason why it's important to embrace of the concept of Heavenly punishment (even as your prime focus remains on Heavenly reward) is for the sake of others.

And to avoid chanifah.

Chanifah, often translated as flattery, means to act like the forbidden is permitted.

A much overlooked prohibition in our times—have you even attended a shiur dedicated to chanifah?—the Torah states its prohibition outright, plus it's mentioned in every mussar sefer with some (Orchot Tzaddikim, Pele Yoetz, etc.) dedicating an entire chapter to chanifah.

Realizing that your support of abusive behavior against others might get both you & them into some pretty hot water eventually...that might give you the insight & the courage to stand up for what's right.

Or at least, it can imbue you with the insight & courage to NOT be so fast to dismiss or chuckle at or justify behavior that causes suffering for others.

YOU might think it's not such a big deal.

However, HASHEM may disagree.

(He actually says in the Torah what He thinks. If we read it, we can know.)

Verbal Abuse

A friend described a marriage in which the husband heaped verbal abuse upon his family for years.

He ended up with a disease attacking the lower part of his face that caused his jaw and mouth to decompose. (Much like leprosy—a Torah-ordained disease for those who misuse their tongue for slander, rumor-mongering, tale-bearing, etc.)

Unfortunately, he refused to invest in any self-introspection or change of behavior.

So he continued with his abusive behavior by growling and expressing displeasure via the only part of his speaking apparatus still in operation: his throat.

Furthermore, his decomposing flesh stank and he continued to remain in a terrible mood with all his nasty growling & grunting.

I found this absolutely bizarre.

Yet his long-suffering wife agreed to endure all this to allow him to remain at home, which was more comfortable for him than the hospital.

You'd think he'd be grateful.

But he wasn't.

Why not?

Entrenched in his victim mentality (whereby he viewed his family as CAUSING him to yell at & berate them), his suffering made him even more miserable & frustrated, which to his already warped mind, further legitimized his nasty & harmful behavior.

After all, to his mind, circumstances grant him the RIGHT to be angry & growly!

I keep this in mind for my own self-restraint because abusive people always think their abuse is justified.

They do not see themselves as abusers but rather as the victim.

It's easy to justify one's bad behavior as "not my fault" or "he deserved it" or "just kidding!"

Believe me, the jaw-diseased guy felt his family deserved the lash of his tongue (even when the tongue was no longer there).

So his belief in himself as a victim kept his heart hardened.

Yet if a person's jaw & mouth & tongue starts to decompose, it should bring one to ponder: "Do I use my oral apparatus properly?"

Perhaps he could have halted or even reversed his disease by halting his verbally abusive behavior.

But we know what the Gemara Eruvin 19a says about how a rasha standing at the gate of Gehinnom still won't do teshuvah...

Intimate Abuse

At the age of 81, a woman confided to me (among others before me) that her 12-year-old brother started abusing her when she was 8, and that the abuse continued for 4 years until he stopped himself.

Telling her parents did nothing to stop the abuse. (She overheard the conversation between her parents: Her father wanted to throw out the boy; her mother refused. The father capitulated to the mother. For whatever my opinion's worth, they're both equally responsible for allowing it to continue. Being a spineless excuse for a man is no excuse.)

The young victim went on to lead a messed-up life before making her peace with God toward middle age, but this return to Torah did not save her from 2 marriages to bad men, both ending in divorce (and the incarceration of Husband #2).

In the meantime, her brother went on to lead a decent life, marrying a wonderful woman & raising a nice family.

But as Rav Miller said in the previous post linked above, Hashem doesn't forget.

Especially if you never say sorry or do a darn thing to make amends, Hashem eventually calls in the account.

At age 42, her brother contracted cancer of the you-guess-what.

As you can imagine, the progression & attempted treatment of that disease in that specific area is particularly painful & humiliating.

My friend (his younger sister) visited him several times in the hospital & saw all his suffering for around 9 months.

As with the above example of oral cancer after a lifetime of verbally abusive behavior, the connection here to his former abuse is pretty obvious.

She saw Heavenly Justice meted out before her eyes.

Here was proof that Hashem was on HER side; He cared about her pain & sought to punish her abuser.

Shortly before her brother died, he looked at her and said something like, "I know why this is happening. I know why Hashem struck me with this disease. It's because of what I did to you. I know I deserve this. And I'm sorry."

And he meant everything he said.

He wasn't just sorry because he was dying in a disgusting & painful manner.

He understood the tremendous pain & trauma he'd caused her & felt remorse for that.

And she was able to forgive him with her whole heart.

She told me this with a glowing face; she felt good about truly being able to let it go.

(I think seeing his immense suffering helped.)

She never forgave her mother, however.

She stated that outright: "I will NEVER forgive my mother!"

She simply can't.

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is the hardest abuse to identify.

It so often looks accidental, innocent, and harmless.

Yet it eats away at its victim.

I used to compare emotional abuse to a person standing on a chair changing a light bulb when the abuser walks by and kicks the chair out from under the person, causing the person to crash to the floor.

At that point, the chair-kicker either looks surprised it happened or continues on his way as if he didn't notice a thing.

When the victim asks why the chair-kicker wasn't more careful or even accuses the chair-kicker of kicking the chair on purpose, the chair-kicker responds with one of the following responses:

Minimization ("People fall off chairs in life. Why are you so upset about it?" "People sometimes kick chairs in life. It happens. Why are you so upset about it?" "It's not that big deal." "I didn't see you." "I forgot to be careful not to kick the chair when you're standing on it while changing a light bulb. Nobody's perfect.")

Amused minimization ("Oh, chuckle-chuckle, you think it was me?" or "Oh, chuckle-chuckle, you think I did that on purpose? Naaaah...chuckle-chuckle" or "Oh, chuckle-chuckle, are you trying to blame me for your own clumsiness again?")

Defensiveness ("But I didn't see you on the chair. I didn't even see the chair! Why is that MY fault?!!" or "How can I be expected to be careful around you standing on a chair when I'm so stressed out/in a hurry/occupied with other things/on the phone/tired/etc?" "I forgot, okay?!! You never forget anything ever in your life? You think you're so perfect?!!" "You're always in a bad mood. Your parents really messed you up. You need medication."

Outrage ("How dare you think I kicked the chair—you fell because of your own clumsiness & are trying to blame me!" or "How dare you think I kicked the chair on purpose!" "Oh yeah? Well, just shut up! You're &*^^&%$##@^*&*!!!")

(Note: An emotional abuser who starts off with Minimization often graduates to Defensiveness or Outrage when pressed.)

But when a friend's emotionally abusive (and sometimes verbally abusive) husband developed a disease that ate away at his innards over the course of 2 years, I wondered why that disease. Why his gut?

Furthermore, his lack of self-scrutiny or self-improvement puzzled me.

Despite treatment involving the icky removal of parts of his stomach & intestines, he continued to be unfailingly grouchy & ungrateful toward his family the entire time—including toward his wife who insisted on caring for him at home, which included the special & intricate preparation of foods for him—all so he could be more comfortable than in a hospital.

Bizarrely, he never apologized for any of his behavior toward his wife over the past 20 years, nor his behavior toward anyone else.

(And yes, he had been told at times that his behavior was inappropriate and in the case of one of his children, appalling.)

Even as things grew worse & a loved one offered to help him make amends to others as best he could in that state, HE REFUSED!!!

Yes, this was a frum guy, a very knowledgeable frum guy who learned Torah copiously on a daily basis.

Yet at the end of his life, he refused to consider whether he needed to apologize to anyone.

Instead, he said he preferred to leave it all up to the Heavenly Beit Din.

BAD move.

It sounds all nice, full of temimut & emunah, but that was a terrible choice.

(Rav Miller says so, but I can't remember where.)

I do not know whether apologizing & changing his behavior could have stopped or even reversed his disease at some point.

But after thinking about it, I realized that this disease reflects the reality of emotional abuse more than my chair-kicking-out-from-under parable.

Emotional abuse is subtle.

It slowly eats away at the victim, leaving the victim in a constant state of anxiety, self-loathing, self-doubt, and despair.

Emotional abuse often affects the victim's physical & mental health.

For example, another friend married to an emotionally abusive husband came to the brink of suicide.

She only told me later. I was shocked.

She was a very solid, down-to-earth person who always demonstrated enormous reserves of inner fortitude.

Furthermore, in the 25 years I knew them, she never once reported any instance of verbal abuse on his part—it was purely emotional abuse (as far as I know).

And that, combined with another traumatic event in life, brought a person like her to utter despair.

Fortunately, Hashem helped save her from herself (she realized that suicide is arguably the single most abusive act a parent commit against a child), and she dropped her deadly plans, got divorced, and went on to live a relatively productive & satisfactory life (which eventually included a satisfying second marriage to a kind-hearted person).

Emotional abuse is very, very difficult to see from the outside.

Heck, it's even difficult for the victim herself/himself to realize what's going on because it's so insidious.

It does not LOOK like abuse.

And I'm ashamed to admit that in both situations above, I did not initially understand what was going on, so did not offer the proper support necessary in the above situations.

But it's important to know that it exists in order to give victims support & avoid supporting the emotional abusers.

When to Make the Correlation...And When Not

Some people find the above correlations arrogant & presumptuous.

They say things like:

"Just because a guy's tongue completely decomposes after a lifetime of using that tongue for verbal abuse—that doesn't mean God's punishing him for verbal abuse, ya know! You sound very judgemental."

So be it.

In these cases, I think I'm right to be judgmental. It helps me correct my own behavior.

At the same time, it's vital to note: When someone suffers, we should NOT go poking around for the reason why they suffer.

Both Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender & Rav Papo (Pele Yoetz) warn strongly against doing this!

Very good people suffer for the sins of their generation and/or their past lives.

There is the concept of tzaddik v'ra lo.

Also, different kinds of suffering help us develop wisdom & compassion & increase our awareness of our dependence on Hashem (when we're not having a total breakdown from the suffering, that is...)

But if you happen to know someone is unrepentantly abusive for years AND he eventually contracts a disease of the EXACT part of the body used for this abuse...

...it's okay to make the correlation!

It would be nice if, seeing as he refuses to connect the dots himself, someone would tell him.

It could either stop or reverse the disease (though at this point, I don't think regrowth of the verbally abusive tongue, mouth, and jaw is possible).

It could at least help save his Olam Haba. He could be saved from afterlife punishment.

Why suffer in BOTH worlds?

In short: Denial of Divine consequences helps no one.

Irreparable? Unforgivable? That's No Excuse.

As in the previous post, Rav Miller emphasizes how the death-causing transgressions were either long-term or very extreme—with NO expression of remorse on the side of the wrong-doer.

Even those with years of opportunity to make an attempt at amends...they didn't.

In the case of my friend & her brother, it seems he realized he was wrong because he stopped of his own accord, yet he had FOUR YEARS to stop himself (before he actually did) and then he did nothing to make amends to his sister for all that trauma—until decades later, after a lot of suffering & shortly before he died.

A lot of people will say what he did was unforgivable & there is no way to make it up to her.

But that does not absolve an abuser of the obligation to try.

Stopping isn't enough, especially regarding such horrible long-term abuse.

Apology. Making amends. Doing teshuvah.

These are the necessities.

What Does All This Mean to Me?

Bringing this back home...

Needless to say, I'm far from perfect & can also indulge myself or dismiss certain actions as "Well, that was a long time ago" or "Can't do anything about it now anyway..." or "It doesn't really matter" or "It's not such a big deal" or "I wasn't REALLY so angry" or "It wasn't THAT bad" and so on.

Just like most others do.

Or "It was just a joke" or "She kind of deserved it" or "Hey, I was just being honest!" or "It felt good from my end..."

Just like most others do.

But again, the question remains whether Hashem dismisses that behavior so easily.

And ignorance can only protect us for so long.

As we see in the above examples, plus the examples from Rav Miller in the previous post, Hashem offers people YEARS to wake up to the harm of their behavior.

Decades, even.

And especially frum people who learn mussar, who learn Torah, and learn halachah...

What is our excuse for years of ignoring overt Torah directives?

Please also remember: It's NOT about being PERFECT.

It's about TRYING.

All the above examples showed people who never tried (as far as anyone ever knew anyway).

In another lecture, Rav Miller gave the example of someone who restrained himself for 15 minutes before yelling. (Usually, he didn't restrain himself at all.)

Many people think that's nothing, but you'd be surprised at the vast majority of yellers who NEVER hold back at all (unless in public—but in their home, they lack the shame that restrains them in public).

Here's my point:

Seeing evidence of Hashem's Judgment helps me curb my own behavior & strive for self-awareness & self-control in a variety of areas—even when I'm feeling lazy or despairing or angry.

Not that I'm so great, but just a little better than I would be without the knowledge of negative consequences.

For many of us, reward simply is not enough.

We need the motivation of considering the negative consequences too.

Please note that comments are (usually) no longer published.

For your convenience, here is the link again to the previous post connected to this one:
how-it-helps-to-hear-about-judgement-punishment-and-fear-of-god.html

Here is another post related to this one:
http://www.myrtlerising.com/blog/rav-avigdor-miller-on-parshat-shemini-all-about-anger

Rav Avigdor Miller on Sukkot: The Ultimate Meaning of the Sukkah—Spiritually, Nationally, and Personally

20/9/2021

In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah for Sukkos 2 - Lessons of The Sukkah, we learn how to hold on to all the goodness we earned from Rosh Hashanah & Yom Kippur.

Here's Rav Avigdor Miller on pages 3-4:

When I was in yeshiva in Slabodka — a long time ago — on the day after Yom Kippur, in the morning, the Rosh Yeshiva said a few words to the bnei yeshiva.

We were going home now; some of us stayed but most were going back now to their hometowns for Yomtiv and this would be the last talk we would hear from the Rosh Yeshiva until Cheshvan.

***
And so on the following morning, after shacharis, the Rosh Yeshiva spoke to all of us.

“You all labored very much on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur,” he said. “You put your hearts into your tefillos in the yeshiva and you were elevated and inspired; you accomplished a precious achievement. To pray in a good place these three days is equivalent to three months of learning.”

“But it is important now that you should be on guard,” he said.

“Because when you go home soon, so Yomtiv comes and then Simchas Torah; you have to beware of leitzanus.”

Leitzanus means lightheadedness, lack of thought.

He quoted to us the famous words of the Mesillas Yesharim that leitzanus achas dochah meah tochachos – one leitzanus can overthrow a built up tower, a skyscraper of over a hundred tochachos.

Rav Miller offers examples he witnessed of people behaving with leitzanus on Simchat Torah—emanating from the misunderstanding of what Jewish simcha really means (i.e. being happy without disrespect or silly-seeming forbidden behavior).

Sukkot also means a lot of socializing with both family & friends—which can lead to all kinds of behavior beneath Torah standards if we aren't careful.

Yet huge benefit of Sukkot is to hold on to all the good we earned from Rosh Hashanah & Yom Kippur.

The Meaning of Schach

In appreciating the standards applying to the building of the Sukkah (not too high, not too low, the walls & leafy/bamboo "roof" a certain way, etc.) & pondering these as we sit in the Sukkah, we recall the 40 years of Am Yisrael in the Midbar.

Such a large group of a couple million people altogether, and random diseases did not spread through the group, malnutrition & hunger never appeared—nor filth or theft (despite everyone leaving Egypt with lots of valuables & sleeping in unfortified sukkahs).

So on page 12, Rav Miller states:

But you’re thinking; you look up at the schach and you’re thinking.

“Once upon a time our forefathers sat in little huts like this for forty years. And they were the safest, the most protected of any generation in our entire history because they had the ananei hakavod; they had Hakodosh Boruch Hu protecting them. In the midbar there was nothing but schach overhead and still they were more secure in the midbar than ever afterwards in our history.”

And on page 14:

You should gain an awareness; a sensory feeling that the shechina is overhead at
all times on our nation.

And the schach is there to aid you to gain that perception that He’s watching over us.

And bringing that idea of schach into both a historical & modern perspective (page 14—not sure which President he refers to here):

It means we are living in a world of enemies and it’s only because we are in Hashem’s sukkah that we survive.

We always have had enemies who are talking against us, all kinds of falsehoods.

Every kind of canard, all the time.

The UN for instance even now came out with a declaration that Medinas Yisroel is to blame for shooting the Arabs.

Arabs are innocent fellows, of course. The murderous Arabs, the very worst, are poor innocent fellows and Israel is guilty. So they all came together and they made a declaration blaming Israel.

And our honorable President, maybe he wasn’t too happy about it, but he also joined in.

Now I'm not a big patriot of Israel, but we see that UN is one big gathering of anti-Semites.

They didn't even let Israel come into any one of their committees. No committee was open to Israel to become a member.

Not only in the UN. On all sides, anti-Semites are busy all the time.

There’s a tremendous literature of antisemitism and it’s been like that from the earliest times.

And still we're here.

The enemies who slandered us disappeared already.

The Greeks were the worst of all. Josephus quotes many Greek writers and their falsehoods against us. The Greeks never stopped writing against us and now they’re gone.

Greece of today is not the Greece of antiquity. Greece is entirely lost.

All their gods have gone lost. Their religion and culture have gone lost.

And that's all what we should be thinking about (and discussing with others, if they're open to it) when we look up at the schach in our sukkah.

Rav Miller quotes a heart-warming idea from the Rambam (page 16):

...the stories that we read about in the chumash about the whole nation apply equally to each person individually.

And that means that just as our nation in general is protected by the sukkah of Hakodosh Boruch Hu, in addition, each person should know that Hakodosh Boruch Hu has a sukkah around him personally.

Hashem is protecting you individually.

On pages 17-18, Rav Miller presents an inspiring story of how a Mafia hit (they bombed his store) forced a Jew to get a different job, which allowed him more opportunity for davening & learning, which changed his life & himself for the better.

Rav Miller presents his own role in this as fleeting, but the truth is Rav Miller's advice both saved this man's life & enabled this positive change.

The Main Lesson to Take into the Sukkah

On pages 19-21, Rav Miller explains all the anthropomorphism used by the Torah when describing Hashem (like He has a Hand, Nostrils, Anger, a really awesome Chariot, and so on).

He explains why the Torah does that and why Rambam & Onkelos explain it away, and why the Torah does it anyway.

If the anthropomorphism woven throughout Tanach ever bothered you, these pages are good to read.

Let's go into to the holy day of Sukkot with Rav Miller's concluding words on the topic:

As much as possible, use the sukkah to gain an awareness of that great fact that Hakodosh Boruch Hu is overhead and He is the one who is guiding us and protecting us forever and ever.

No matter what the goyim try to do against us, we are going to exist and we will live longer than the gentiles.

And each person too should think, individually, that Hashem is protecting him all his life.

That’s the truth – He’s going to be our sukkah forever and He’s going to be your sukkah forever.

As you enter the sukkah, you're doing all the good things; Jewish minhagim, very good.

Ushpizin, noi sukkah, zemiros, everything; simchas Yomtiv, very good!

But don't neglect the opportunity of thinking that the sukkah now is a lesson to you that Hashem protects our nation forever and ever.

By Gilabrand - Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=21874843

Don't forget to check out the Practical Tip for enhancing your Sukkot on page 24.

Credit for all material & quotes go to Toras Avigdor.

Posts for Sukkot, Simchat Torah, Shemini Atzeret, and Hoshanah Rabbah

19/9/2021

To download the free PDF all about Sukkot & Simchat Torah from Rav Itamar Schwartz's lectures, please click here:
//bilvavi.net/files/Bilvavi.Succos.Talks.pdf

For past posts on Sukkot, please see:

For Shemini Atzeret & Simchat Torah:

Or, just click on Sukkot in the sidebar under "Categories."

Oleander flowers in Eretz Yisrael — Image by Александр Деревяшкин

How It Helps to Hear about Judgement, Punishment, and Fear of God

19/9/2021

For a follow-up post, please see here:
stories-to-show-why-we-need-the-motivation-of-heavenly-punishment-fear-in-addition-to-the-motivation-of-reward-love.html

In modern times, most people do not like hearing about punishment or fear of God or anything appearing "negative."

Some people endured throughout childhood a dysfunctional representation of Heavenly chastisement or yirah (fear/reverence of God).

Others experienced punitive punishments by dysfunctional parents and/or teachers, and never having experienced punishment or yirah in a positive context, genuinely struggle to relate to these concepts in the healthy & beneficial way Judaism requires.

And as understandable as that resistance is, it's also a pity to miss out on one of the core fundamentals of Judaism.

What's Wrong with This Picture?

Initially, I also felt strong resistance to this concept.

And at the time I was becoming frum, most people teaching about Torah Judaism skirted this issue (much to my relief & self-satisfaction).

My resistance was validated time & again as I heard how our generation cannot hear about Heavenly punishment & din & yirah, and so we should not speak about it; instead, the focus should ONLY be on Hashem's Love & on the feel-good aspects of Judaism.

This is partly true, of course. Love & the feel-good aspects should be the main focus.

But not the ONLY focus.

Why?

First of all, I couldn't help noticing that these supposedly "negative" or "scary" concepts infuse every part of Torah Judaism, whether the halachic works, Torah commentaries, mussar books, or—well, EVERYTHING.

I also encountered teachers & writers who explained these concepts in an authentic & positive way—which helped enormously.

Furthermore, upon encountering serious difficulties & yissurim in life, I discovered the feel-good-only side left me without the tools to gain insight into suffering or otherwise deal with suffering in a meaningful manner.

Finally, by acknowledging the din and yirah and punishment aspects of Hashem, one sees fairness & justice in an otherwise seemingly unfair world. (For some of us, this glimpse of justice is highly gratifying.)

So these seemingly "harsh" or "scary" or "negative" concepts can & SHOULD be used positively.

In fact, these seemingly repellent parts of Hashem actually derive from His Great Love for us.

Yes, these too are expressions of His Love (even when they feel like the direct opposite).

Depending on your personality & past experience, embracing this fact may be easier or excruciatingly harder.

But just because it presents a challenge (and for some people, an understandably mountainous challenge) doesn't mean such a fundamental part of Judaism should be ignored, denied, or disdained.

When It's Helpful to See Hashem's Justice in This World

For some of us, the knowledge that whatever forbidden pleasure we experience in This World will need to be paid back (either by suffering in This World or suffering in the Next World)—this is exactly what stops us from doing the wrong thing at times.

Yes, thinking of the great reward in store for us when we stop ourselves is wonderful.

Knowing the great appreciation in Shamayim our self-restraint or ability to change direction in the middle of a challenging situation—these also help us so much toward doing the right thing.

Like this:

However, most of us discover that some urges respond better to fear of the negative consequences.

Furthermore, while many people focus on fear of punishment for, say, not saying the right bracha, real-life examples show Hashem concerns Himself with punishing bein adam l'chavero (person-to-person) transgressions—like any kind of extreme ongoing pain caused to another.

It's true that we don't always see that in This World.

Sometimes, Hashem lets an awful person live it up in This World to reward that person now for any miniscule good performed—and then that awful person suffers for all their awfulness in the Next World (without our ability to witness it from here).

But we do see instances of justice meted out in This World.

Examples follow...

When Hashem Doesn't Agree with Your Self-Perception of Funny, Cute, Clever, or Victimized

Rav Miller writes the following:
(torasavigdor.org/rav-avigdor-miller-on-hashem-will-wait-but-not-forever/
torasavigdor.org/rav-avigdor-miller-on-persuasions-of-the-yetzer-hora/)

Once there was a girl – a young woman.

And she was riding in a taxicab in Brooklyn. And the taxicab bumped into another car. And together they bumped into a telephone pole.

And the pole fell on her and she died. Nebach, it killed that girl.

Now, I’m not capable of telling you anything but I’ll tell you something that happened with a girl. Maybe it was the same girl. I don’t want to say.

Once there was a poor teacher and she was trying to make a living. You know that it’s not always easy making a living.

So she was teaching a class of girls. And there were forty girls in the class.

One of the girls in the back of the class mimicked the teacher’s voice. And she did it all the time.

All the time!

And the teacher was very much embarrassed. Very embarrassed. Very hurt. But what could she do? It’s her parnasah.

So she kept quiet. She kept quiet but she was terribly hurt.

Now maybe this girl forgot about what she did. And maybe the teacher forgot about her pain.

But Hakodosh Boruch Hu doesn’t forget. He might give you time to fix your mistake – to do teshuvah – but when you don’t, and instead you forget about it, He doesn’t forget.

You hear that?! Hakodosh Boruch Hu doesn’t forget!

In a much later lecture, Rav Miller apparently refers again to the same girl & teacher (emphasis mine):

Here’s a girl in Bais Yaakov.

Her teacher, a woman trying to make a living, she teaches the girls. And she’s trying to make a lecture on a certain inyan in hashkafah.

So one of the girls raised her voice to mimic her teacher. “Mmmm mmmm.”

The teacher didn’t say anything. She heard but she didn’t say a thing.

A terrible thing what that girl did! Malbin pnei chaveiro berabim! A terrible thing.

Well that girl was sitting in a taxi one day and another car came and bumped into a telegraph pole and knocked it down and it fell on her taxi; a freak accident and she was killed.

Nobody knows why. Nobody knows why!

Hakadosh Baruch Hu knows why.

Lo avad dinah belo dinah – Hashem doesn’t do things without judgment.

And therefore mi haish hachafetz chaim, you want to live long?

Netzor leshoncha meira – close your mouth against saying bad things.

Yiras Hashem tosef yamim – if you fear Hashem it will add to your years, ushenos reshaim tektzornah – while the lives of the wicked are cut short.

People don't like to hear this.

They like to go on with tons of excuses like:

tinok sheh nishba
"teen brain"
having a difficult home life
he/she didn't reeeeeally mean it...
excusing theme with a disorder (for example, people—especially young people—with ADHD sometimes behave with giddy impulsion, insensitivity, and tactlessness)...

Or, if it's the perpetrator:

imagining him/herself as the victim
"just kidding!"

...and so on.

The question becomes whether Hashem agrees with these excuses.

Years of observation showed me that many—maybe most?—people who make nasty little barbs or humiliate others tend to consider themselves clever or cute or funny.

They don't consider their behavior truly wicked.

Even if they admit they did something mean, they categorize it as a "cute" kind of mean, or a meanness that's funny or clever.

And that their victim deserves it in some way.

Another huge percentage consider themselves a victim in some way.

Similar to the above, they feel their victim has it coming to them—the difference being they may not lighten it up with cute, clever, or funny, but outright anger instead.

The "I'm the victim here!" types can go either way.

(Note: People with a personality disorder (PD) almost always see themselves as the victim in a situation, regardless of how irrational that self-perception is.

And despite what most PD professionals will tell you, it's generally not consciously manipulative—sometimes it is, but often not. If it's usually consciously manipulative, then it's probably sociopathy, not a conventional personality disorder. But PDs genuinely see themselves as the victim.

That's how they allow themselves to be so abusive. To them, it's noble self-defense.)

Back to Rav Miller's example above: Do you think the mocking student considered herself a bad person?

In my experience, highly unlikely.

She most likely considered herself clever & funny, plus she probably thought the teacher deserved it for being "pathetic" (to the girl's mind) or not up-to-par in some way—which makes the class the victim of the teacher's incompetence (in the eyes of this particular girl, anyway).

The girl also probably thought she could get away with it because she's young, she's a teenager, blah, blah, blah.

I can't know for certain, of course, but according the situation described here, that's my experience with these types.

(Note: Having been a teen myself with teen peers, plus having raised & dealt with other teens, it's clear teens are aware of the ability to get away with certain behaviors simply because it's excused by society as "typical adolescent." The law also provides tremendous leeway for those under 18. And that attitude is considered normal & acceptable since the 70s-80s.)

So for some of us, it helps us to know that how ever funny, clever, cute, or victimized we may perceive ourselves, Hashem may not agree our humiliating or hurtful behavior is justified.

And that can help us rein it in.

(Please also note the rewarding & loving aspect of yirah: "it will ADD to you years"!)

A Bat Yisroel isn't Refundable

In another scenario, Rav Miller says the following:

Here’s a man who died young; he got ill and died young.

A tragedy! A mystery!

But I know the answer to the mystery. I knew him.

When he was a bochur he got married. Right after the chasuna he said he wants a gett from the kallah.

I went to him; I tried to persuade him.

You’re just married,” I said. “You’re ruining her.” I tried. “Your parents put so much money into the chasuna.”

“I don’t like her,” he said.

You married her! Once you married you can’t say “I don’t like her.”

But no, he was an akshan. He was a stubborn fellow.

He was a good bochur, a good learner, but he had akshanus in him.

He wanted a girl that he liked and finished. And so he divorced her.

Now, when the time came and he became ill prematurely, nobody understood why. I think I know why. He passed away early.

Hashem’s judgment was on him.

(//torasavigdor.org/rav-avigdor-miller-on-persuasions-of-the-yetzer-hora/)

Here's another lecture apparently speaking about the same guy:

Here’s a man – a beautiful man. A strong, tall man and a good learner. A tchachka he was. Something special – a real tachshit.

And then he became ill – a cripple. And he died young too. Nobody know why.
I also don’t know why.

But I have one hava-amina. I have a svarah for why he died young. I have a good svarah.

Because I dealt with him once.

He had a bride. He had a new kallah. And right after the chuppa he said he doesn’t want her anymore.

I visited him. I said, “How can it be? You’re ruining the girl! You chose her. You chose this girl. And her parents spent a small fortune on the chasuna. And right after the chuppa you don’t want her anymore?!”

“No,” he says. He doesn’t like her, he tells me.

Well, I didn’t win.

And there was a divorce. It was a tragedy.

And I think that it was a very big crime that he committed.

Nobody knows why, but I think that’s the reason. He ruined her.

Now, I wouldn’t go and publicize it, but I believe that’s the reason.

(torasavigdor.org/rav-avigdor-miller-on-suspecting-hashem-of-wrongdoing/)

I think this guy's behavior showed particular repellence because it looks like he took his bride—a young innocent bat Melech—for test-drive & then decided he didn't like the make.

It's so callous & dehumanizing.

It's very humiliating & devastating for her—a public rejection of the most profoundly personal type.

You can't just do that to people & get away with it.

So yeah, he was likable & good guy and woo-woo, he was a real Torah-learner!

But being knowledgeable in Torah makes you MORE culpable.

Hashem expects more of you because you know better.

So despite everything...yes, being a jerk can get a person killed.

Here's similar one:

Here’s the case of a young man who died.

A big talmid chacham. And he died. And everybody is surprised.

He had a family with children. What did he do wrong that he was punished?

But I know! I remember!

He was once married – before this marriage – and he got into a quarrel immediately with his wife’s parents.

Something happened right after the marriage night. He became insulted and he went out of the house; he went back to his parents and he refused to come back to his wife anymore.

She was ruined. A young girl and now she’s being divorced.

It was a tragedy. She wanted to take her life! She wanted to commit suicide. A frum girl.

But he was adamant. He refused to go back.

Well, the years passed by.

He remarried but Hakodosh Boruch Hu didn’t forget it.

And suddenly this man became ill and died – there’s a reason for it.

(https://torasavigdor.org/rav-avigdor-miller-on-divorce-and-retribution/)

This is similar to the one above.

Many of us influenced by secular Western society may not appreciate the severity of these infractions presented by Rav Miller.

But the more we train our brains to think like Hashem thinks, the more we understand the events around us.

What about the Power of Forgiveness?

Some of you may be wondering about forgiving others & the severe result of another Jew being punished because of your grudge.

So Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender addresses this issue in Words of Truth Volume II.

He expounded on the importance of not only remaining silent in the face of verbal attacks (rather than respond with an attack of your own), but to also completely forgive the verbal attacker.

At the same time, he noted that Hashem does not necessarily forgive the initial attacker.

According to Hashem's cheshbon, the person did something very wrong—regardless of how you, the victim, feel about it.

In the above examples, Rav Miller notes the teacher may have forgotten all about the humiliating interactions.

It could be that in the teacher's heart, the teacher even forgave the girl, excusing it as immaturity & not intentional cruelty.

It could also be that the former kallot from the above stories also decided to forgive their former chatan.

I don't know. Maybe not. But maybe yes.

Regardless, it can also be that Hashem refuses to forgive.

And in that case, He doesn't punish on the cheshbon of the victim, but for Hashem's own Sake.

A Good Scare is Better Than a Bad Move

The point here is that keeping the above in mind can help a lot when we feel the irresistible urge to be cute, clever, funny...

...or when we wish to avenge/rectify perceived victimization.

Regardless of how light or justified our actions seem in our own eyes, if it hurts another person, the above examples show how important it is to think it through more deeply before acting.

Thinking about the positive results for good behavior help so much.

But sometimes, only a fear of the consequences provide us with the self-restraint necessary to overcome our yetzer hara.

And that's why some of us find these anecdotes so helpful.

An Inspiring Thought from Slabodka Mussar

17/9/2021

Wishing You All an Easy Fast & a Sweeteningly Transformative Yom Kippur

15/9/2021