On her blog, Shirat Devorah, Devorah herself made a comment in response to another commenter regarding the reality for many people in the frum world who feel attracted to their own gender: loneliness & frustration & rejection.

Now, this is not true for everyone who feels this way.

Some manage their situation in a way that works for them. I heard of at least one who got married with the full knowledge of his kallah. They felt compatible in other ways & it definitely takes a certain kind of woman to agree to this, no matter how compatible she feels with him otherwise.

But according to him, it worked out. He worked on himself in this area, felt enormous affection & appreciation toward his wife, and invested strong efforts with regard to his thoughts & eyes—in much the way any person works on his taavot of any kind.

But Devorah's response struck me because it was so simple & straight-forward, yet I never heard it before and it never occurred to me:

A LOT of people feel lonely & frustrated & rejected—for a variety of reasons. That's not a reason to do something forbidden (and especially a forbidden act that reaps so much harm in its wake—even if that harm is not immediately perceived).

The emotional argument is a hard one to debate in our times because Western society considers feelings a deciding factor—one that trumps morality and even science (like in the case of gender dysphoria).

For example, in the case of gender dysphoria, society increasingly capitulates to the demands of biological males who claim to feel female. They insist on using women's restrooms and participating in girls' sports, despite the obvious inequality—and danger to both women & children (as has already happened).

Or how institutions & organizations are trying to set up a situation in which a man who feels female and goes to a doctor complaining of abdominal pain will not just be tested for abdominal issues, but also uterine issues—despite not having a uterus.

Females claiming to feel male may insist on being tested for non-female issues, even though her reproductive system may be the issue.

​I'm not sure if this has actually happened yet, but the idea is being pushed forward.

Furthermore, in some places, it is legal for a 6-7-months pregnant woman with a fully developed baby who can live (with assistance) outside the womb to kill this baby in a multi-step procedure—all because she doesn't feel like she's ready to have a baby, whether to raise it herself or opt for adoption (because adoption also presents very real emotional challenges).

In the frum world, rabbis receive insistent questions from young frum Jews in non-Jewish/non-frum working environments who wish to record meaningless TV shows on Shabbat in order to participate in conversations with their co-workers, who primarily discuss a specific show.

They express feeling awkward & judged by not watching the TV show.

Because feelings play such a decisive role nowadays, it's increasingly difficult to encourage actions that may cause some degree of discomfort—and the vast majority of any kind of inner growth initially sparks discomfort.

While the world of bodybuilding and other avenues of physical beautification still hold by the motto "No pain, no gain," many people expect to reach all other goals with minimal effort.

This includes education, money, food, relationships, material acquisition, and much more.

(True, people in certain majors in Ivy League schools expect hard work—like Harvard law or Harvard medical school. However, many American college students expect easy work & grades, and indeed receive an insufficient education even at the college level.)

​Also in the realm of emotions, people increasingly turn to drugs (both legal & not) for relief.

A minority of those taking medication invest effort in working on their middot. I've met them and their determination to work on themselves while taking medication (sincerely using the medication as an assistant to their inner work, rather than as a replacement for inner work) inspires me with a lot of admiration for them.

It's not easy, yet they persevere onward.

But most people taking medication use it to feel good rather than be good.

So when people hear encouragement to grow in ways that are emotionally uncomfortable, it sounds too foreign and repellant.

Interestingly, despite all the remedies for & catering to emotional demands, many people complain of feeling lonely or otherwise dissatisfied in their lives.

Doing the right thing automatically creates a rockier road in our life journey.

​But an attitude of emunah & a relationship with Hashem can give us pleasure as we make our way over the rocks.

Knowing that the rockiness makes a stronger & better in the end, knowing that a wonderful future awaits us at the end—these grant the journey meaning and make it all feel worthwhile.

Yet the road never lies straight forever; every journey consists of ups & downs.

Most people cannot maintain a high level of emunah for long.

They experience lows.

Sometimes, a lonely & frustrating situation hits regardless of what the person does to prevent it: a disability, an accident, an attack, a death, a lost job—these can all thrust a person into a low place.

Other times, a moral decision casts a person into a low place. Swimming against the current means exhaustion and getting water & debris in your face at times.

A person who decides to:

• keep Shabbat
• behave & dress with personal dignity & modesty
• keep kosher (or a higher level of kashrut)
• refuses to go to the movies
• etc...

​...will find themselves feeling uncomfortable & frustrated in modern society (unless they live & work in a predominantly frum community—and even then, if they uphold standards higher than their community's, they may also experience loneliness, rejection, discomfort, and frustration).

Another example:
​Adhering to the laws of lashon hara sometimes causes very hard feelings and incite criticism—no matter how nicely & gently you hold your ground in this area.

Yet millennia of Jewish scholarship remains uncompromising about sins of the tongue, emphasizing the glory in store for one who refrains from speaking wrongly while warning of the terrible damage resulting from improper speech.

​One famous afterlife communication stressed that in the Heavenly Court, "sins of the tongue are the worst of all."

Depending on what social circles you find yourself in, upholding the laws of lashon hara can definitely bring you loneliness, discomfort & rejection.

So should you consider yourself exempt?

No way. They don't exempt you in Shamayim for such reasons.

We are expected to rise to the occasion and build ourselves.    

I once knew a young Jewish woman who majored in Chrixian art.

Outside of her classes, she dedicated her heart, time, and money to this subject.

Yet upon becoming frum, she realized this career presented a challenge to her newfound frumkeit.

Consultation with knowledgeable, experienced people revealed the dismaying truth: There was no kosher outlet for her chosen calling.

For art? Yes.

For this specific branch of art? Absolutely not.

All those years, time, and money invested in this art? Null & void.

That's pretty depressing, isn't it?

Understandably, she went through a sour period following this unhappy revelation.

But much to her credit, she stuck it out (at least for as long as I knew her).

If you see her journey through eyes of emunah, then you realize that Hashem caused her initial attraction to tamei art, and caused her to discover frumkeit when she did, and then caused her to confront this massive nisayon. 

You also realize that she receives MAJOR BIG-TIME reward & blessing for her fortitude to turn away from her previous calling and forge a new path.

​That is HARD.

And she deserves enormous credit for her courage & commitment, despite her massive disappointment.​

If a person expresses difficulty, loneliness, discomfort, unhappiness, frustration, etc., with adhering to a specific mitzvah or prohibition, we should respond with empathy, compassion, and encouragement.

We should be careful not to shame the person, or otherwise denigrate or crush somebody struggling in a nisayon.

However, negative feelings & inconvenience should never be accepted as an excuse to stomp all over clear Torah prohibitions—especially extremely severe prohibitions that cause the destruction of both one's society & one's self.

Many of us suffer negative feelings & challenging situations.

​People suffering from same-gender attraction can't use that as an exemption.

Society presents it as an exceptional type of suffering, but it's not as special or exceptional as presented in the mainstream.

And thanks again to Devorah for introducing that simple yet powerful truth.

In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah for Parshat Vayetzei: Yaakov's Ladder, Rav Miller emphasizes that the dynamics of Yaakov Avinu's life reflect the journey of every individual Jew.

Ma'asei avot siman l'banim—What happened to our holy forefathers stands as a portent for what will happen to us.

Often discussed on a national level, Rav Miller now brings it down to the personal individual level.

​​As Rav Miller notes on page 4:

One of the first major lessons presented in this parshah is the ladder in Yaakov's historical dream.

​Rav Miller emphasizes that the ladder represents our goal of constant upward motion: We must strive to reach Hashem.

Ladders aren't places to hang out and shmooze while playing poker. (The rungs don't make for comfortable seating, nor do they facilitate card games.)

Ladders represent a way to get from one place to another—in this case, UP.

​Secondly...why davka a ladder?

Why doesn't Hashem give us wings so we can fly up?

Or a magic carpet, so we can comfortably soar up to our spiritual apex?

Or a rocket? Then we can arrive at our holy destination all the faster.

But no.

Hashem WANTS us to climb.

Step by step, rung by rung—with lots of effort!

And repetition!

A ladder means you make the same movements again and again.

And that, says Rav Miller, looms as a primary lesson of Yaakov's history-making ladder.

Rav Miller cautions us not to fear our initial feelings of hypocrisy.

When starting out on a new step of our spiritual journey, we often feel uncomfortable or fake.

With those newly observant to Judaism, a transition period exists in which the new baal teshuvah is basically a secular person who increasingly does mitzvot before he transitions into a frum person who sometimes stumbles in aveirot (transgressions).

​That's an entirely natural part of becoming frum.

Yet any person who takes on a new uplifting act or thought pattern experiences a similar dynamic, whether the person is FFB from a chashuv family or a newly-minted baal teshuvah.

We feel awkward & insincere.

Kol hahatchalot kashot—All beginnings are hard.

It takes time to get your foothold & find your rhythm.

It takes time to adapt to the new you and your new shell.

And despite the fumbling awkwardness of it all, take pleasure in the fact that you are doing something fabulous.  

In his wonderfully witty way, Rav Miller clarifies the difference between emunah sichlit (intellectual belief) and real internalized emunah (page 6):

We want real emunah.

And for that we need to go back to our ladder.

Sometimes, you manage to stretch yourself up 2 or 3 rungs at a time. 

But mostly, expect repetitive climbing step by step.

And, starting at the bottom of page 6, Rav Miller offers us a few different programs for climbing that ladder.

Program #1
​Talk to Hashem for 1 minute each day.

​It's good to read pages 7-8 because Rav Miller offers delicious advice on how to do this program if you're not sure how to start or if you get stuck.

Intriguingly, Rav Miller advises you to pause in this 1-minute practice after a month, and then start up again.

He likens it to stopping for a rest in the middle of your climb.

Why?

Because even this 1 minute of holy conversation can start to feel routine and then you find yourself going through the motions, rather than keeping it meaningful.

Program #2
Recognize everything around you as the Hand of Hashem.

On pages 10-14, Rav Miller offers compelling ideas & descriptions to initiate this recognition.

Also, Rav Miller notes that you can follow Program #2 while you follow Program #1.

They complement each other.

Program #3
​Do things l'Shem Shamayim (for the sake of Heaven).

​Again, Rav Miller offers lots of solid direction & compelling examples on pages 15-19 for how to accomplish this.

You do this for the seemingly mundane stuff in life, like going to work, dealing with a customer, serving supper, washing a dish, bathing a child, eating lunch, sleeping, and so on.

​Having said all, that Rav Miller cautions us with the following (page 18):

While you climb your ladder, Rav Miller encourages us to keep in mind the following:

1. Don't tell others about your involvement in these programs. (They often discourage you. For more on that, please see page 8.)
2. Don't get discouraged. (page 19)
3. Hashem is waiting for you at the top of the ladder. (pages 19-21) 

May Hashem shower us all with much bracha & hatzlacha in our climb.

Someone asked me to write an article on codependence, and include the Jewish view on it.

That always means an interesting process because, as we know, Chazal never uses modern terms like "codependence," so one must figure out the terms Chazal uses to describe this dynamic.

And as far as I know (which is admittedly not as much as I'd like), neither the Torah nor Chazal describe this dynamic the way we do.

However, copious sources exist on dealing with difficult people & one's own faulty middot—which are the main cause of codependence.

Furthermore, a prime example of living with a dysfunctional person while retaining personal spiritual & mental health occurs in Parshat Vayetzei with Lavan as the appallingly dysfunctional person and Yaakov as the spiritual victor.

But first, let's backtrack a bit to the modern idea of codependence.

In a nutshell, codependency means you rely on another person for your self-worth & self-image, which causes you to try to control their behavior in some way.

This can be manipulative at worst or an attempt at self-protection at best.

Some signs of co-dependency are:

• Taking responsibility for another person's actions.
• Worrying about or incurring the consequences for the problems of others.
• Covering up to protect others from the results of their poor choices.
• Doing more than is required at your job or at home to earn approval.
• Difficulty making decisions in a relationship.
• Difficulty identifying your feelings.
• Difficulty communicating in a relationship.
• Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself.
• Lacking trust in yourself and suffering poor self-esteem.

Psychologists often advise co-dependents to:

• Establish boundaries in relationships.
• Resist the urge to fix, control, or save the other person. 
• Prioritize your own inner growth.

Like a lot of other pop psychology, codependency is nothing new for me because it reached mainstream popularity when I was in high school. 

Friends in therapy or support groups (like Alateen for the teenage children of alcoholic parents) discussed it frequently.

Girls would "helpfully" tell each other, "That is sooo co-dependent."

But if you come from another culture or generation, codependency might seem like a really cool chiddush to you.

So please just keep in mind while I discuss it, that you & I may come from very different perspectives regarding this.

And just to be upfront, I've always rejected certain aspects of codependency since I first heard about it, never fully accepting those aspects of its philosophy. (Partially? Yes. Wholly? No.)

​For example, the idea that your behavior is YOUR problem?

"It ain't mine and I don't need to own it or fix it."

Yes, that works well in many situations.

It's definitely worth trying. It can be a huge help in getting you to take a step back and change your less-than-healthy behaviors.

But I could never accept this completely because it simply is not true in many situations.

​For example, if someone frequently yells at you (which causes a very real & measurable physiological effect on the human target of the yelling), yells at your children, lies, omits vital information, sabotages you, or a range of other harmful behaviors...you better believe it DOES become your problem.

Some behaviors are literally intolerable...yet you cannot get away from the person (or at least, not immediately).

A friend of mine married to a mentally ill man once commented that a lot of coping behaviors are labeled as codependent, but really they're not, because the dysfunctional person doesn't leave you with much choice in practical coping.

​This is true.

Furthermore, I noticed a fuzzy fine line between making sure the other person's ball stays in the other person's court, and trying to control their behavior.

Where is the line between enforcing your stated boundaries and controlling the other person's behavior?

​Very fuzzy.

This can actually make a person feel worse & ironically lower their self-esteem even more as they feel like a failure for constantly falling back into codependent behaviors (which may not be codependent; instead, their response might show good sense, depending on their situation).

​Finally, I ran across an article by a psychologist who stated that many people are labeled as codependents, but they're really not.

​They're stuck in extraordinarily difficult situations and are coping as best they can with abysmally limited options. Their behaviors actually show good sense within their context.

​It all depends.

Basically, the psychologist rejected the idea of codependency as an overall catch-all philosophy. Thank God.

​Let's look again at a key idea in codependency treatment: "Your behavior is YOUR problem, not mine."

Again, an excellent attitude in some situations, but confusing in other situations.

For example, when my frum friend's husband decided to buy all sorts of things forbidden by their children's school (AFTER my friend already signed the forms for the school promising not to expose their children to such things—values with which she personally agreed)...is that not her problem?

Is it not her problem that her signature appears on an agreement that is being violated?

And will it not be her problem if classmates' parents or teachers call HER demanding to know why her children are doing/saying certain things clearly forbidden by the school?

And the fact that she absolutely does not want her children engaging in such activities—is that not her problem? Does it not deeply hurt her to see them doing things she does not want them to do?

And will she not suffer the repercussions of her children living a life against her values & in opposition to how she personally chooses to raise them?

​Another example:
With dysfunctional husbands, one of their favorite pastimes (whether consciously intended or done instinctively) is to disturb their wife's sleep. (I've seen this repeatedly as a common thread with abusive husbands, regardless of the type of abuse & regardless of culture or religious background, etc. It's universal, as far as I can tell. And it's particularly problematic when she has a baby or ill children who also wake her up at night.)

So...if you cannot get the basic sleep you need, is this not your problem?

If you suffer the very real physiological effects of sleep deprivation, is that not YOUR problem?

If you go through the day as a confused slow-response zombie, is that not YOUR problem?

It is certainly not the problem of the person who deprived you of sleep.

​Generally, that person simply either leaves the home to avoid dealing with anything or yells at & criticizes his frazzled zombie wife for not functioning properly. Or yells at the kids too, maybe even also yelling about how incompetent he thinks their sleep-deprived mother is.

(He also finds a way to take a nap to remedy his own lack of sleep. And there's heck to pay if his family doesn't accommodate him.)

Such behavior gratifies his ego on some level.

​Either way, it's definitely not HIS problem, only hers.

This brings us to the next "cure" for codependency: setting healthy boundaries.

Again, this is a very good idea.

Even just being aware of the need for boundaries can initiate a positive change in one's thought patterns & behaviors.

However, many dysfunctional people do not give a darn about boundaries.

Setting healthy boundaries in a "calm, yet firm" manner can set off unhealthy people, making them behave much worse.

And sticking to your guns throughout their tirades doesn't always work either. 

Sometimes it does. But sometimes it doesn't.

Why?

Reason #1: Most unhealthy people see themselves as victims.

(A real psychopath generally doesn't, but most other abusive people do.)

One of the most extreme examples of this is Rudolf Höss, yemach shemo, the commandant of Auschwitz.

When he first received orders from the big Nazi fuhrer yemach shemo to create an extermination camp, he considered the orders both "extraordinary" and "monstrous."

Upon being forced to witness the flogging of a prisoner accused of stealing cigarettes, Höss yemach shemo, said that he was indeed forced as he did not want to watch. The flogging and the victim's screaming made the Auschwitz commandant "go hot and cold all over" and also made him "shudder."

He also put a halt to the random tortures & executions carried out by the Nazi security personnel in Auschwitz's early years. ("Purposeful" tortures & executions were okay, but he despised "senseless" brutality.)

​Astonishingly, he considered himself more "sensitive" than average—something he tried to disguise with a cool exterior. (I guess that compared to the other Nazi sadists, the fact that he didn't actively enjoy torture & murder made him feel himself more sensitive.)

Furthermore, the horrific suffering & slaughter of Jewish children in the death camps disturbed him greatly. He said the murder of the Jewish children made him "weak-kneed" and he found it all extremely "distasteful."

Yet he felt it a necessary evil because the Jews were a menace to mankind and the Aryan German people in particular were the victims of this "menace."

​He justified his actions by explaining how he'd been brought up to believe that the persecution of Jews was a form of "pest control."

So despite his "distaste" of the "monstrous" slaughter committed against children & babies at Auschwitz, he gave his full support to this genocide because of his conviction that he & the German people were victims of "pests."

Overall, Mr. Sensitive commandeered the slaughter of around 2 million people.

(A lot of dysfunctional, abusive people see themselves as sensitive souls who are vulnerable & easily victimized. Again, that's how they permit themselves such abusive behavior: They see it as self-defense or out of their control. Having said that, there are truly sensitive people who are sensitive in a good way.)

Reason #2: Dysfunctional people aren't stupid. They also don't give a darn about your oh-so calmly yet firmly stated boundaries or your heroic display of emotional maturity.

Sure, some dysfunctional people are pretty dumb. But many aren't.

And when you start your whole boundary-making thing, they see exactly what you are doing and...guess what? It makes them ANGRY.

They feel HURT. And RESENTFUL.

They easily decide to take their resentment & hurt out on you, including a lashon hara campaign and other forms of vengeance. If you work for or with them, you may find yourself out of a job or affected in some other extremely unpleasant way.

(But hey, that's not your problem, right?)

Even if they don't feel hurt and angry, they do feel contemptuous.

Or confused: Boundaries? What are those? What's happening? Have I entered the twilight zone? 

Or simply apathetic. After all, what can you possibly do to enforce your boundaries? And why should they care?

Practically speaking, what can you really do to stop them?
​
They can stride right over your boundaries. And they do!

It reminds of a scene in a movie in which a martial arts champion comes at his opponent on the street, displaying fancy footwork and lethal karate moves...and then his opponent whips out a gun and shoots him dead on the spot.

So much for all those fancy moves & years of honing the necessary skills.

Bang! He's dead.

Anyway...in the above example of sleep deprivation, is there any way to stop a husband from depriving his wife of sleep?

No. Only if he chooses to stop.

And the really dysfunctional ones don't. They continue no matter what the consequences.

Another example—a really common example:
​
Try telling such a person something like, "I will be ready to discuss this with you when you are ready to discuss this without insults or yelling."

Guess what? They don't care.

Try leaving the room to "enforce your boundary."

Guess what? They can follow you...and they do! (Often growing louder & nastier as they go.)

Furthermore, a lot of dysfunctional people ENJOY yelling and insulting. Your resistance (which they see as rebellion or fighting fire with fire) makes them feel like now they have a right to continue with their yells and insults. 

Or, they stop that behavior at that moment, but engage in another distressing behavior at another time. (BTW, that sneaky delayed "Gotcha!" ambush response is VERY common with these types. They do it in marriage, friendships, family, work, neighbors—it's very stressful.) 

They see it as a power struggle and feel they must win.

​They're wrong, but that's how they see it.

So...there you have it with the ol' boundary-setting technique. (For some people, anyway. Again, the above techniques DO work with SOME people.)

And guess what? Even court orders have failed those they were meant to protect.

Sometimes an ignored court order ends in the death of the person the court order meant to protect.

(Is that the victim's problem yet? Or is being murdered in your own home also a codependent behavior?)

So short of punching or shooting these personal boundary-trespassers (which will bring even more unwanted unpleasant consequences), you cannot stop them from behaving however they please—IF they are determined to do so.

Final example:
I once knew a woman who was unusually awful. Throughout my life, I've very rarely met someone as sociopathic as she. She fully enjoyed hurting others, she KNEW she hurt others, and she MEANT to do so.

She never even used the excuse of being a victim. She also never disguised her heartfelt enjoyment of another's pain.

Full awareness of with no shame whatsoever.

One of her favorite victims was her younger sister, whom she continued to torment into their forties.

(And before anyone starts boo-hooing over the psychopathic woman's childhood, please know that she suffered no abuse. The only factor I ever noted was her weak & easily manipulated mother. Spoiling & indulging children can cause serious dysfunction. In fact, studies on narcissist personality disorder show that excessive praise & overvaluing a child can cause NPD. You don't hear much about the dangers of spoiling children in pop psychology, but I've personally seen it & it's pretty ugly.)

Anyway, her younger sister had been attending therapy and was very committed to avoiding codependent behaviors. She did her best to set boundaries and not make her psychopathic sister's problems her problems.

But, as stated, dysfunctional people don't give a darn about boundaries.

At the wedding of their niece, for example, the psychopathic sister physically leaned her entire body on her younger sister, her arm hugging her shoulders, and her hand cupped over her suffering sister's ear as she whispered derisive comments throughout the ENTIRE ceremony.

Like, an hour.

The suffering sister did her best to look straight ahead and ignore the psycho sister, to focus on the wedding and completely ignore her psycho sister's behavior. I noticed the suffering sister also did her best to keep her face stoic and not look pained.

Good for her. 

Yet her heroic efforts did nothing to stop or even weaken the psycho sister.

The psycho sister KNEW she caused pain to her younger sister, regardless of the lack of response. And that sadistic awareness what gave her all the gratification she needed.

The psycho sister wasn't even embarrassed, despite the fact that the ugly dynamic was so obvious to anyone who glanced at them. (A tall tanned woman, she looked like a giant brunette leech attached to her painfully stoic sister.) 

The psycho sister lacked shame, partly because she lacked a conscience. But also partly because she was fabulously wealthy and secular while most of the attendees were frum & not fabulously wealthy, and she disdained frum people & people who made less money than she.

So she did not care what onlookers thought any more than she cared what an audience of grasshoppers would think.

​Therefore, I felt so much appreciation when the movement to deal with NPD popped up.

Finally, someone acknowledged that setting boundaries sometimes either incites vengeance—or the dysfunctional person simply disregards the boundaries.

But then they introduced the low-contact or no-contact methods. And like with the codependency methods, these methods can work and work really well. But not always. And sometimes these methods do more harm than good. Or sometimes low-contact or no-contact is impossible (like if you live with them or share custody of children together or work for/with them, etc.).

​So in summary:

• Techniques to overcome codependency CAN be VERY helpful.

 

• If codependency applies to your situation, you should try the techniques.

 

• Standing up to bullies can work—and even earn you their respect & loyalty.

 

• Even just the act of thinking about boundaries or whose problem it is can cause a positive mental shift.

 

• If these anti-codependency methods work, then...great! Hashem revealed them for a reason. If they work, continue to use them!

 

• However, these techniques fail in many situations, leaving people feeling bad about themselves. 

 

• Many people simply cannot develop the thick enough skin necessary to fully uphold the anti-codependency techniques.

 

• Many people struggle to switch between detaching in an unhealthy situation & then attaching in a healthy situation, particularly when the situations occur close together. People aren't electrical circuits that can flip themselves on & off at will. 

 

• Some situations leave very little room for choice. Feel good about whatever mental & spiritual health you manage to accomplish.

So this sums up my views on codependency as far as pop psychology goes:

The field of codependency contains a lot of beneficial stuff, but it also suffers from some very real structural weaknesses.

Now, let's continue on to what Judaism says about dealing with dysfunctional people.

As mentioned at the beginning of the post, the situation between Yaakov Avinu & Lavan is a prototype for dealing with really awful people.

In fact, many frum psychologists have both written & spoken about Yaakov Avinu's techniques and what we can learn from them.

So first of all, it needs to be clear that we cannot look at Yaakov Avinu's response to Lavan without the uncompromising knowledge that Yaakov Avinu was a man of emunah.

His actions cannot be removed from that spiritual context.

​Yaakov Avinu maintained constant awareness that everything was Divinely orchestrated.

And that's the real example to follow.

So, for example, Yaakov Avinu set healthy boundaries with Lavan.

He calmly yet firmly asserted his insistence on marrying Rachel Imeinu.

Yet when he awoke the morning after his first wedding and saw Leah Imeinu instead of Rachel, did he say, "Whoa, wrong wife! Well, that's not MY problem!"?

Did he enforce his personal boundaries? (i.e., "I'm divorcing you, Leah. Lavan, I'm giving Leah a get. I worked 7 years for Rachel and that's that.")

Not in the way we think.

He remained married to Leah & related to her as an ideal husband.

Yet he didn't give up on Rachel and instead agreed to work ANOTHER 7 years—something most of us would consider exploitative.

​Regardless of the circumstances, Yaakov always behaved with full integrity. His work ethic alone defies belief.

He took precautions against Lavan, but he also behaved with impeccable moral integrity.

​He never took revenge either, nor did he take out his disappointments on his wives or children. He didn't take advantage of any loopholes for lashon hara l'to'elet and complain about Lavan around town.

Yaakov Avinu knew Who was really in charge.

Lavan played the victim. (i.e., "What, you want me to give you my younger daughter before my older daughter? How could you? Heavens to Betsy, we don't do such things!" Or, "How can you just leave like that, without even letting me kiss good-bye my darling daughters and grandchildren? Sniff! Boo-hoo!" So sensitive! [sarc])

Yaakov also refused to allow any environmental influences to steal in.

Lavan achieved mastery in the occult. Those missing terafim were the shrunken heads of first-borns who spoke when Lavan performed certain formulas. (Did Lavan wait until a first-born happened to die and then take his head? I don't know. But either way, Lavan was a pretty creepy guy.)

So despite the extreme dark occult going on next-door, Yaakov kept himself sterlingly clean, spiritually speaking.

Initially, he went low-contact with Lavan—as much as realistically possible, anyway.

Later, when it became feasible, Yaakov Avinu went no-contact with Lavan.

Everything according to whatever proved best in each given moment—and all with unshakeable yishuv hadaat.

Yaakov Avinu survived & even thrived because he only considered what Hashem wanted from him each time Lavan shot yet another curveball at him.

​And that's how Yaakov Avinu dealt with all his difficult situations in life: What does Hashem want from me right now? What is the halachically & morally correct response? 

I'm paraphrasing of course. How did he think of halacha with no Shulchan Aruch and not even a Sefer Torah? I'm not sure. But the concept certainly existed—Yeshivat Shem v'Ever and his parents & grandparents.

So the big lesson from this classic example is:

• Maintain yishuv hadaat.
• Respond with integrity and emunah.

Hashem caused the situation for your benefit (even if it feels totally non-beneficial).

Nothing really helps until you internalize that concept (even if only a little).

The Pele Yoetz discusses very painful personal situations with no real solution.

He acknowledges the pain, sympathizes (especially with an abused wife; less so with an abused husband, interestingly) and censures the abusive people involved.

At times, he censures the abusers using harsh, uncompromising language (like "snake").

But at the same time, he strongly adjures the victim to respond with complete integrity.

​It depends what the situation is, but sometimes all he does is encourage uncompromising integrity combined with copious daily prayer.

Just those 2 things: integrity & prayer.

Sometimes he offers tips & things to say to get what you want out of a relationship.(Actually, he only offers these tips to women, not men.) But in a really hopeless situation, he only focuses on your integrity (how you behave) and prayer. No techniques, tips, methods, lifehacks, nada.

But he makes no promises.

Even with the copious daily prayer, he says, ulai—perhaps—you will be answered.

Maybe. No guarantees.

But if you uphold your integrity & your middot, he reassures you of a good Olam Haba. That's the comfort.​

For months, I've really wanted to write a post on impossible situations, but keep procrastinating.

This post isn't it, but nonetheless, let's touch on it here because the vacillating dynamics of codependency have a lot to do with impossible situations.

Pop psychology, being atheist at heart, fails in the face of impossible situations.

Therefore, it's hard to find the help you need in an impossible situation, unless the solutions actually work for your situation (but often don't in truly impossible situations because they are, by definition, impossible).

On the heels of that disappointing fact, therapists, rabbis, and rebbetzins often fail in this area.

Having made that depressing observation, you CAN find frum therapists, rabbis, and rebbetzins who help.

But they must have a spiritual perspective. (The helpful ones, of course. The non-helpful ones lack a spiritual perspective no matter how frum they seem on the outside. It's the inside that counts.)

Because impossible situations are Divine refinement and/or Divine atonements, atheist methods cannot help and certainly cannot remedy an impossible situation. 

So most people (including highly touted "experts," no matter how frum they seem on the outside) will not be able to help.

But a minority can. ​

We all know people born without a necessary appendage.

People born without legs, for example, will never be able to develop real legs & walk until Mashiach comes. No running or skipping or soccer-playing for them.

A person born without eyes (like Liat Tzachor HERE) will not be able to see until Mashiach comes. It's simply impossible to expect otherwise.

Likewise, Hashem also decrees other disabling situations on people (though they may not immediately know it).

For example, I once read the true story about a Jewish woman who possessed a part of the soul of Queen Esther.

While overall, Queen Esther's soul ascended to where it experiences unfathomable delight for eternity, one part of her soul needed a specific rectification not achieved in her previous lifetime.

The subtle flaws in that soul required the nisayon of poverty to achieve rectification.

So this meant that this soul must come down into the world for the EXPRESS PURPOSE of enduring poverty.

Because that was the entire purpose of this soul-part coming down into the world, this meant that no matter what its owner did, the person encompassing the soul could never escape poverty.

Do you see what this means?

This means that no matter how much that woman (in whom resided Esther Hamalkah's soul-part) davened, performed segulot, received brachot from tzaddikim, worked, consulted with business experts, no matter who she married, and so on, she would NEVER escape her poverty.

Such a thing was simply impossible.

If she would even raise herself to the lower-middle class, her reason for existence would end.

She could never get a lucky break or make a buck.

So as long as she lived, she must remain dirt-poor.

That was the entire tikkun for her soul.

Nothing else.

And as long as she remained poor, her soul benefitted & worked its tikkun.

(Now, there's more to say about this, like what if she davened A LOT or got someone on the level of the Baal Shem Tov involved? Theoretically, I guess something like an ibbur could happen, etc. But technically speaking, Hashem could never let her out of her poverty without ruining the soul's rectification.)

I really wish I could remember where I read this story and which tzaddik related it. (If you know, please inform us!)

But it always stuck in my head because it demonstrated so clearly why some situations lack any earthly remedy.

Obviously, the hopelessly impoverished woman's situation contained a lot of misery. She lived in a time when poor people lacked all we take for granted today: electricity, indoor plumbing, wintertime heating, solid walls & roof, proper clothing, medicines, daily meals...impoverished people didn't even have pajamas!

​All she could do in such a situation (which lasted her ENTIRE LIFE) was to thank Hashem and try to be happy as best she could, knowing it was all for the best.

I can't remember if she did. Maybe she was miserable & depressed her whole impoverished life, maybe not. (I really wish I could remember!)

​It also shows us why we shouldn't blame people who, no matter how hard they try, can't seem to escape a particular nisayon.

(I'm talking about people who actually try, but never succeed.)

Maybe their soul NEEDS to be in that situation—and pounding them over the head with blame, criticism, and disdain is completely misguided & useless.

And there you go.

​We don't know what's really happening beneath the surface.

​Finally, there's a concept of "feeding your enemy."

Different interpretations exist (most popularly, defining "your enemy" as your yetzer hara, to whom you feed the "bread" of Torah), but one Breslov interpretation considers your enemy as the person who torments you.

Why?

Because the pain caused by your tormentor cleanses your soul of sin.

If you merit to skip Gehinnom altogether, it's likely in the merit of your "enemy"—a person who abused you.

So Breslov says you can go ahead and give your tormentors gifts. Or kind words. Or favors. Or prayers. (Based on Likutei Moharan 277:1: HERE is a short vort on an aspect of it by Chaya Rivka Zwolinski. Also, please read THIS.)

After all, your enemy is your ticket to Heaven!

So show a little "gratitude."

But that sounds crazy.

Or even risky.

So let's take a deeper look into it.

When a person responds with politeness or even kindness to an abusive person, most people consider that codependent or weak or groveling & encouraging of abuse.

Yet it all depends on your intentions.

If you say, "Hashem, I am going to do a favor for my husband or my parents for YOU, because you've commanded me in honoring or loving this person, and so I will do this favor"—then that transforms the entire dynamic.

Remember, Hashem runs things.

He adjusts dynamics & consequences according to our kavanot—our intentions and our hearts.

If you do something nice, acquiesce to the demand of your jerk boss or co-worker (without harming yourself or doing something illegal), offer them a gift or offer sincere praise, etc. WHILE thinking to yourself, "I'm feeding my enemy. Thank You, Hashem, because this person is saving me from Gehinnom"—that changes everything.

And if you manage to do this, you'll notice a change in the dynamic. Maybe the person treats you better, etc.

And other people will tell you that it's because you're behaving without any self-interest and the other person senses that, so they respond in kind, blah, blah, blah.

Now, that's sometimes true that the other person senses your selfless, l'shem Shamayim attitude, and now that they no longer feel you're trying to get something out of them, they relax and respond better.

But people who enjoy hurting others don't give a darn about your selflessness & altruism.

If they soften up, it's most likely because you've sweetened your own dinim by facing the situation with such solid emunah.

Also, you'll notice that the minute you drop the emunah-ball, they revert to their old abusive self.

So, if you do this, you must really do this for yourself, for Hashem, to nurture your relationship with Hashem and not do it for the other person or the relationship at all.

If the person is genuinely dysfunctional, you can hurt yourself by doing this.

You can also cause yourself burnout and so on.

So only do it for Hashem and for your own ruchniut.

It takes some courage and some inner fortification, but it's well worth it because it makes you shine in the Heavenly realms.

It's a huge act of mesirut nefesh—all for your recognition of Hashem's Mastery.

Also, let's say that because it is so awkward & unfamiliar, your fumble it in some way. Maybe, when push comes to shove, you couldn't manage to work yourself up to that level. Or you did it in a bumbling way. And now your "enemy" is laughing at you (maybe other people are). Maybe he or she is denigrating you for your efforts.

It feels worse.

But really, you didn't fail.

In Shamayim, you are considered wildly successful.

Why?

Because it's your heart, your kavanah, that counts.

You shine in the Heavenly realms because hardly anyone else ever tries to do what you did.

So even if you failed practically speaking, you can still be considered a brilliant success in the Upper Realms.

Most people don't even know to do it.

Heck, I never would've guessed unless I read it. My mind doesn't work that way.

And even if they know, it feels too hard & too risky.  

And maybe it is too hard & too risky. 

After all, some people are so crushed & empty that they cannot risk this. (It depends with whom you're dealing.)

Very understandable.

Another way to "feed your enemy" is to daven for them.

Daven for them to do teshuvah, to merit a healing of their soul & bad middot...but also to enjoy good fortune in life. May they not feel too hot or too cold. May people be nice to them. May they encounter only green traffic lights, not red or yellow ones.

It depends who it is and the circumstances. But for some people, the heartbreaking truth is that their parents or their spouse or their sibling is their enemy.

And the above can really help if that's the case. (But no promises.)

It can still be very, very painful, no matter what you do. 

But all these are just different methods within Judaism of dealing with difficult situations: gratitude, being happy with your lot, feeding the enemy, prayer, taking the moral high road, and so on.

Everyone's on a different level facing different challenges with different capabilities.

And each person needs to work with what they have.

And may we all merit to complete our soul rectification in this lifetime—without nisayon or bizayon.

Here are some interesting links with little-known tidbits of new information to discover (especially good to read for Parshat Vayetzei):

Who Were Bilhah and Zilpah?
(Learned some tidbits about them I never heard before.)

Why aren't Bilhah and Zilpah Jewish Matriarchs?

12 Facts Every Jew Should Know About Rachel

13 Facts About Leah Everyone Should Know
(Did you know that the wife of Lavan & mother of Rachel & Leah was named Adina? A second Adina was the wife of Levi ben Yaakov, who was the granddaughter of Yoktan, who descended from Shem ben Noach, via Shelach & Yovav. Please see Who Was Adina? With so many Jewish girls named Adina—or the Yiddish equivalents: Aidel or Yenta—this is great information to know.)

Why a Leah Imeinu Can't (and Shouldn't) be a Sara Imeinu
​This is an old Myrtle Rising article.

​Esav and His Wives
What was the deal with Esav & his wacky wives? And what about the one with the fine-sounding name, Yehudit? Or the daughter of Yishmael he married to appease his parents? Not much is discussed in Chazal, but you can find out more in the above link.

I know you all know by now that Yehonatan ben Malka (Jonathan Pollard) is free of captivity & limiting conditions.

But I just wanted to share in the national simcha too. Yay! Baruch Hashem! Yishtabach Shemo!

Both he & his wife have expressed the desire to settle in Eretz Yisrael, and I pray they will!

Also, may both Yehonatan ben Malka & his wife, Esther Yocheved bat Raizel Bracha, merit a complete & speedy healing in every way.

Jonathan Pollard’s Parole Restrictions Lifted; A Free Man After 35 Years

In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah for Parshas Toldos 4 – Eisav’s Role in History, we learn that there is no such thing as wicked-from-birth.

Yes, many of us know the story of how fetal Eisav itched to get out when Rivka Imeinu walked past a place of idol worship, while fetal Yaakov itched to get out when she walked by a place of Torah learning.

Also, when Rivka Imeinu went to inquire of Hashem, the Prophet told her that 2 nations wrestled within her womb—"the older will serve the younger."

So it seems like Eisav was born to be bad.

But Rav Miller says that isn't the real meaning.

Esav was very good in some ways—like honoring his parents, for example. Even Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel claimed that he never managed to achieve Eisav's level in honoring his father.

​Rav Miller offers examples, then sums it up, affirming that he heard this from his own Rebbe (page 6):

In a nutshell, Eisav's role in life was to help Yaakov accomplish great things in the world.

Yet Eisav rejected that role.

Had he embraced it, history would have been completely different.

Here's Rav Miller on pages 6-7:

But Eisav refused to accept his subservient position.

​Even though doing exactly that would've endowed him with tremendous blessing & success, both in This World & The Next, he refused.

He wanted to be the star.

It reminds me of those girls in the school drama tryouts. They love acting. But if they can't be one of the leads, then they don't want to be in the production at all.

Or like the man Rav Miller mentions on page 7, the man who wanted to be president of the kehillah, but instead became vice-president.

Being #2 wasn't remotely acceptable, so he left Brooklyn to settle in California.

​Some people are like that (although anyone can always change for the better).

So when his father's blessings showed Eisav that the prenatal Prophecy was coming into fruition, Eisav backed out.

He literally ran away.

Yitro's descendants, the Kennites, chose the opposite of Eisav.

They attached themselves to descendants of Yaakov, and they made an excellent destiny for themselves.

​But not Eisav.

And Eisav's offspring held on to the idea that Yaakov tricked Eisav out of being the star of the show.

Is that at least partly why the Gospel-believers insist that God replaced Bnei Yisrael with the Gospels & the church?

That movement originated in Rome—Edom, Eisav.

Despite their blatant lack of commitment (even the outright basics like kashrut & circumcision proved too much for them), they insist on Replacement Theory: There's a new chosen people in town.

Is it the Edomite spiritual DNA coming through?

I don't know, but it sounds it's part of the reason.

On pages 9-10, Rav Miller presents an intriguing story about Rav Yisroel Salanter and Sir Moshe Montefiore.

​Then, on pages 10-15, we learn about an descendant of Eisav (the Emperor Antoninus) who behaved as Eisav originally should have and humbled himself to Rebbi.

Antoninus even wrote what Rav Miller called a mussar book—a book available today in English: Meditations of Marcus Aurelius.

Together, Rebbi & Antoninus worked to produce the Mishna we have today. It couldn't have happened through just one of them; the joint effort between the best of Yaakov & the best of Eisav produced a work of eternal greatness.

Despite the dire end predicted for Eisav, Rebbi reassured Antoninus that such an end only applied to those who behave like Eisav.

Antoninus, on the other hand, deserved a much better eternity—and he got it.

Rav Miller notes that most of us are "small" people.

Vitally important people, of course, but not great & sagely tzaddikim.

And that's okay.

In fact, that's really good!

We have a lot to accomplish in our own stunning smallness.

​When we help great people, we accomplish great things.

Rav Miller discusses this at length in his usual witty way throughout pages 15-18.

On pages 18-20, he switches the discussion to the domestic sphere.

And he's absolutely right in what he says.

L'havdil, we see in politics the powerful role of the wife behind the scenes. For example, Presidents Woodrow Wilson & Warren G. Harding could not have won the American Presidency without their wives (especially Harding).

And President Wilson certainly could not have held on to his Presidency without his wife.

​Due to illness, his leadership should have passed on to his Vice-President. But Mrs. Wilson kept things going, wielding so much power that those in-the-know later said that Mrs. Wilson was actually America's first female President.

​Neither Mrs. Wilson or Mrs. Harding could have achieved so much power & influence on their own, nor could their husbands have achieved so much power & influence on their own. 

This powerful lesson shining out of Parshat Toldot flies in the face of so much of Western society.

Even in the frum community, how many times have you come across stories of people who raised themselves up to create & run their own organization?

That's often the happy ending.

But that's not a happy ending for me personally. That kind of ending makes my stomach clench.

Now, please don't misunderstand me.

I'm GRATEFUL for these organizations!

They fulfill vital needs & I wish them tremendous success.

But for me, the thought of being the Head Honcho and actually managing an entire organization makes me want to crawl under a large blanket and never come out again.

But in this dvar Torah, Rav Miller comforts people like me, reassuring us that helpful participation in lofty goals is more than enough.

We don't have to be the stars of the show.

We can just be us.

​And that's really good!

(Phew!)

Please don't forget to check out page 21, with practical tips for being a stunning supporter.

And if you're in the US, you might find Rav Miller's take on Thanksgiving intriguing.

UPDATE:
If anyone would like to subscribe to receive Rav Itamar Schwartz's newsletters (1 in English & 1 in Hebrew) directly to your inbox, you have 2 options:

• Subscribe to newsletter via email: subscribe@bilvavi.net

• Or online:

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfU1XchUBIY_hwNX12d28zonTHILlDXSmtaXOsOMl6InfCshA/viewform?vc=0&c=0&w=1&flr=0&gxids=7628

(Note: I don't receive anything for recommending this. Just trying to be helpful.)

If you ever wondered what was going on with the Rambam's approach to Aristotle (whose science hasn't stood the test of time), please read:

• Rav Avigdor Miller on The Rambam and Aristotle

Also for this new month of Kislev, please check out the following from Rav Itamar Schwartz:

• Tribe of Binyamin (which is associated with Kislev)
• Mazal - The Bow (Sagittarius, the astrological sign for Kislev; Jewish astrology is totally different than atheistic non-Jewish astrology.)
• Avodah of Sleep (Winter is a time of sleep & is therefore associated with this very wintery month. Here, Rav Schwartz explains how sleep explains a woman's nature—woman, Chava, was created from sleep—and also how to use our dreams for personal growth, plus practical steps toward understanding your penimyut, i.e., your unique soul.)
• Power of Sleep (Going to sleep with the right intention is a form of mesirut nefesh AND mesirut nefesh is one of the ways to sort out the Erev Rav! For that source, please see the last paragraph in What to Do about the Erev Rav?)

A while back, someone left a comment requesting a post on the issue of music—specifically, for baalei teshuvah who struggle with the very real connection they still feel to music they loved in their past.

The truth is, this applies to a lot of people. 

Converts struggle with this. FFBs who listened to non-Jewish music struggle with this.

But not everyone.

People with certain kinds of "souls" (for lack of a better word), people very attached to music—they struggle with this the most.

What's going on?

And what can you do about it?

First of all, if you're very attached to music, just accept that fact and that this nisayon is going to challenge you more than others.

You probably have a music sensitivity and some kind of music background.

For example, ever since I can remember, certain songs moved me & I felt compelled to listen to the same such song again and again—even hours in a row (if possible).

I loved watching musicals, both on TV and in real life.

I loved participating in school singing performances, and later in high school, I ended up in both concert choir & jazz choir, where I was too shy of my very real voice limitations to desire a solo, but thoroughly enjoyed myself in the background vocals. 

Among other baalei teshuvah, I met many people with an even more intense music background (including impressive talent with vocals & musical instruments, or opera performances, etc.).

We all struggled with detaching from the favorite music of our pre-frum days, while we simultaneously felt critical of a lot of frum music. (Some of it we loved, but some of it earned complaints of the singer hitting flat notes, and so on.)

Another problem ended up being frum music that was too secular.

Being sensitive means that you're very aware of the emotions & sensations & memories music arouses in people.

You're very aware of the root of different kinds of music.

The combination of holy passukim with certain types of music seems blasphemous—but you're the only one who notices. (Although this sensitivity can be exactly what saves you in the end, as you'll see further on in the post.)

You hear some rabbis say that it's okay to take secular music and put it to frum lyrics.

(Not everyone holds like this, but some do.)

Yet you, knowing how manipulated modern music is and knowing what does to you inside, say, "How on earth can anyone say that?"

Even worse (to the musically sensitive, anyway) are the rabbis who say that it's okay to listen to non-Jewish songs when you don't understand the language, and therefore cannot understand the lyrics.

Not that it's a good thing, but that it's permitted.

And you're like, "WHAAAAAAT???!!"

No WAY. How can that be?

Musically sensitive people identify strongly with what Rebbe Nachman of Breslov said in Likutei Moharan I:3:

Some dismiss this concept, but some of us really FEEL what Rebbe Nachman describes.

This leads to an inner tug-of-war because we feel both the attraction & dopamine-release of the non-kosher music even as we feel its impure source.

To compound things, it's hard to find people who understand your struggle.

​​You're the outlier.

Then you feel caught in a dilemma: A lot of frum music so closely imitates non-Jewish music, there is hardly any difference—except for the lyrics.

But even that ain't necessarily so.

In recent years, frum music created songs portrayed as sung to Hashem, but the lyrics strongly resemble non-Jewish high-tempo love songs.

Meaning, that if a non-frum person heard the song without being told anything about its background, they might think it's a song about "her" and not a song about Him.

On one hand, you feel you need this because there's nothing like that beat & tempo ingrained into you your entire life. 

On the other hand, it's so disturbingly secular.

​And there you are: caught between a rock & a hard place.

But here's the really powerful thing about music (particularly for the musically sensitive): It's about the feelings & sensations & memories it arouses within you.

For a lot of people, certain music comforted them when nothing else could.

Certain songs soothed or distracted them when trapped in times of pain.

Certain songs validated them. Some song lyrics describe EXACTLY how you feel or what you dream of, or they perfectly capture a certain mood or situation.

​(Embarrassing as it is to admit this, I could happily listen to hours of sad songs from the 80s without interruption. I don't know why I enjoy that so much, but I do. However, I don't actually do it. But if I did, I would enjoy myself thoroughly.)

Certain songs speak to your heart's wishes. For example, songs about child abuse sung in a compelling manner (especially by a child) really affect people. For a lot of formerly abused people, it reflects their desperate wish to be seen & be rescued, it makes them feel less alone, and so on. For others, it reflects their sorrow over the helpless plight of many children.

Recently, a song sung in Arabic by a little boy who pleads with his father to stop beating him, has (for obvious reasons) captivated the Arab world. It is also quite popular in Israel among Jews (which is how I heard about it). With a stirring tune & a sweet, plaintive voice, it's understandably compelling. 

​Another facet of music is its capacity to energize.

​Many people feel that their favorite music energized them and made them happy like nothing else could.

Another facet: Certain songs make people feel like they're doing something because it brings out feelings of compassion & caring.

​So when popular celebrities sing a well-arranged song in which they pretend to care about unfortunate people ("We are the World," "Feed the World"), this creates a feeling of unity when listening to it: We care! We're in this together! We feel compassion for those less fortunate!

Ooh, and NOSTALGIA. Songs that bring out nostalgia in you? VERY compelling for some reason.

Hearing music that accompanied you through meaningful moments in your life can take you back to those memories & recapture those meaningful emotions & sensations back then.

In a nutshell, music lovers look to music to transport them to a more desirable state or they look to music to enhance their current state.

(And, as discussed further on, very real changes take place in your brain as you listen to your favorite music.)

An important point about love songs known in the frum world, but not in any other world: Love songs are actually expressions of yearning for Hashem.

"You're here; there's nothing I fear"—can any human being really provide such security?

Only Hashem can really create a situation in which you literally have nothing to fear.

"You are mine, forever love, and you are watching over me from up above"—clearly sung to a loved one who already passed on, but eternal love (and anything else eternal) can only come from Hashem.

And only Hashem is watching you from up above.

I remember listening to a jazz cassette after I hadn't listened to secular music for a few years.

My first reaction while listening to a singer go on about how she wanted a kiss that would shoot her into outerspace and show her springtime on Jupiter & Mars was: "Ugh. So DEMANDING. And what to you have to offer the relationship, you demanding little snip?"

​If you crave to see springtime on far-off planets, you really need to turn to Hashem with such a big request. There's no human way to facilitate that with current technology or any kind of slobbery smooch.

Whether the song celebrates the fantasy superpower of love or whether it expresses yearning for rock-solid everlasting love, it all emanates from the soul's yearning to connect with our Creator.

So we really need to channel any desire for such songs to Hashem.

If we do that, we can create something truly beautiful & everlasting...and MUCH more gratifying.

Popular neutral songs exist.

Songs about hope, songs meant to encourage. Songs about friendship.

Many contain beautiful words & concepts without a hint of anything inappropriate.

What's the problem?

So...I don't want to harp on that so much because everyone is holding in a different place. If you've been listening to garbage, then non-Jewish songs about friendship are a huge step up.

But let's say a song encourages you to "walk on with hope in your heart and you'll never walk alone."

Hope is an emotion.

You can also say that if you walk on with a pizza-craving in your heart, then you'll never walk alone.

That's also an emotion.

Hope, pizza-craving...it's the same thing: an emotion.

But if your heart hopes to Hashem, then you really won't be walking alone.

Yet if you just hope for a better day? A second chance? 

An atheist also hopes.

Better lyrics are:

• "Walk on with God in your heart...
• "Walk on with emunah in your heart...
• "Walk on with mussar in your heart...
• "Walk on with Tehillim in your heart...
• "Walk on with Mesechet Gittin under your arm...

...and you'll never walk alone."

Or songs about friendship, for example.

Again, they're much better than all the depraved stuff.

However, for future progress, it's worth noting that a lot of neutral songs & those about friendship also emanate from a desire to cleave to Hashem.

"I'll stand by you even in your darkest hour; won't let nobody hurt you"—again, only Hashem can really be there for you in your darkest hour.

And as for not letting anybody hurt you?

​Well, even the strongest, bravest friend cannot protect you from, say, an incoming grad missile or a North Korean dictator or social upheaval.

​Only Hashem.

There aren't so many spiritual songs.

However, some exist.

In particular, country-western music features such songs. 

One country-western song starts out with questions indicating the beginning of a crisis in faith, then soars into the chorus taken from Tehillim, with the humble acknowledgement that "I wasn't there the day you filled up the mountains."

​The singer expresses acceptance of God's Wisdom over his own understanding.

"Or let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me," which also declares that God being our Father makes us all brothers.

It's all sounds so nice.

So again, without harping on it too much & making people feel like they shouldn't even bother dealing with their non-Jewish music affinities...

...one problem is whom the singer addresses. 

Is it the God of Avraham? The God who gave us Torah from Sinai? Great!

Is it another god? A god who redacts promises & plays games with Biblical laws? A god who plays switcheroo with whom he designates as his chosen people?

​If so, then that's problematic...

Also, the singers themselves usually lack integrity. 

Along with the humble song to God, their album probably features raunchy songs too.

And many of them, even the singers of religious music, lack scruples. They get divorced repeatedly, they cheat on their spouse, chase addictions, they aren't so honest with money, or they engage in other wanton behavior.

Even if avoiding such music is not where you're holding now, the idea of music's impure source is just something to be aware of, even if you can't apply it to yourself right now.

As noted above, you really can find a frum substitute for almost any kind of music, even to the point that the music & lyrics barely sound frum. (That's not ideal, but for some people, it prevents them from listening to non-Jewish music.)

​So, for example, if you'd like a frum substitute for neutral or spiritual songs in English, here are some suggestions:

• WeR1 (“We are One")—This stirring song features Jewish singers from Israel, England, France, Australia, and America (Gad Elbaz, Refael Mirila, Alliel, DeScribe, Nissim Black). The catchy tune and uplifting lyrics make you want to hear it again and again.

 

• Mercy by Nissim Black. This is one of the rare songs in which he actually sings (as opposed to rapping) and he sings really well. The lyrics express so compellingly the desire for personal growth & Hashem's Compassion, plus the melody is very moving.

 

• Ari Goldwag—Ari’s music is all about encouragement & inspiration. I particularly like his acapella Smile and his catchy Chanukah Light. 

 

• Stand Up for Each Other by Simcha Leiner. This song comes down hard against bullying while promoting unity & empathy. The last 2 minutes of the song feature a choir of 1000 young Jewish boys singing from all over the USA & Canada. 

 

• This is Your Time by Yaakov Shwekey. And Cry No More. Both are moving ballads sung in English.

 

• For women, you have the frum singer Kineret, who is now better known as Rabbanit Kineret Sara Cohen. She has a big Broadway-type voice, which is my favorite kind. I think you can only get her music at her Ohel Sara website, and I believe you must sign up so that her music will only go to female listeners. (She really doesn't want men listening to her.):

Ohel Sara – The Female Voice of Torah & Song

You can also sample traditional Jewish songs sung by professional Chassidic choirs—or any of the acapella music sold for the times we aren't supposed to listen to music. These possess some real gems you think you won't like, but will be surprised to discover how much you immediately love them!

Should you go cold turkey & get rid of all your secular music?

That depends.

I've done it and it was very good...each time I did it! (Yes, more than once. Ha-ha.)

Out of sight–out of mind often works better than most people like to admit—especially since you now have similar music with frum lyrics, like sad songs, ballads, dance music, trance, rap, etc.

The problem today is that whatever you toss out can still be found on the Internet, so that method doesn't work as well as it used to. (Although that depends on your filter too, whether your filter blocks you from accessing ye olde secular music.)

The other drawback is that if you live in an area where you face constant exposure to your beloved secular music blaring out at you from cars & malls, then you might feel constantly tempted by something you cannot have.

If you feel ready to throw out your secular music, then that can work really well.

For example, as you progress spiritually in your life, you may start to feel a new disgust with your old favorites.

You may gain a new awareness of how repugnant or how just plain stupid the lyrics are (like my jazz experience).

Personally, I'm very into avoiding direct confrontation with the yetzer hara and instead, continue on my happy journey of inner growth & allow an innate repugnance toward non-Torah material to develop naturally over time.

It's more authentic & effective.

(For example, you can learn about my Shabbat-reading development here: What is the Most Painless Path to True Teshuvah?)

But really, it depends.

Sometimes, just tossing everything is best, sometimes it's best to do it in stages, or whatever.

That depends on you, where you're holding, and your personal situation.

With modern music, producers invest in research to determine song arrangements so that the brain is hit in a certain way (called a "hook"). 

They arrange the opening chords & other parts of the song so that when you peruse radio stations or hear the song blasting out of a passing car, it hits your brain in a way that makes you want more of that song (and also just one reason why all pop music sounds the same).

Furthermore, people feel energized by the dance-beats in fast-paced pop music. It energizes & provides emotional release in a way that almost nothing else does.

If you grew up with this & like it, it's very hard NOT to crave it.

Massive amounts of frum music embrace this fast-dance music with its popular beat. I don't think it's emotionally or spiritually healthy, but I admit that I also really crave this music at times and listen to the frum stuff.

I do it much less than ever, but still haven't made a full transition from the music (the frum version of it). I don't know if I ever will, to be honest. It's very, very compelling.

And it's meant to be compelling.

People honestly do not realize how manipulated everything is in the secular world.

Each beat, each lyric, the emotional tone & expression—it's all carefully calculated for maximum impact.

In constrast, Laura Ingalls Wilder (1867-1957) of Little House on the Prairie once wrote that nothing got her feet tapping like the 1894 hit A Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight:

Late last night when we were all in bed,
Old Lady Leary left a lantern in the shed.
Well, the cow kicked it over, and this is what they said:
"There'll be a hot time in the old town tonight!"
FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! 

A catchy tune with a fast banjo, it can't compare to the powerful beat & wild music of today (although it does have the stupid lyrics of today's music.)

Or the Spanish-language hit, La Bamba.

I loved the jazzed-up version popular in the Eighties. Yes, the Spanish exchange students at my high school informed us they thought it was a stupid song because the lyrics were nonsensical and egotistical ("I'm the captain! I'm the captain!").

But I didn't know Spanish & enjoyed the song for the music.

Yet upon hearing the original, I felt so disappointed.

This was the big hit of 1958?

It sounded so pale & limp & noisy (like background staticky noise) compared to the jazzed-up version of the 80s.

But regardless of what music you like, studies show that your brain releases dopamine when you anticipate the part of a song you really like.

The brain neuro-chemically reinforces the peaks of euphoria stimulated by the song—the same process of neural response to drugs or other addictive substances.

That's why we keep coming back for more.

So if you struggle to detach from your favorite music, no matter how awful & blasphemous its lyrics & messages, the reason you struggle is because they arrange the music to hit your brain in a certain way, and this "hit" is reinforced by repeated listening throughout the years.

And even if you like older stuff (i.e., before the modern fine-tuned manipulation), frequent reinforcement has trained your brain to achieve euphoria when listening to it, even without the extra manipulation.

So...

...you can't hate or berate yourself for this.

​It's a process & any baby step you take is really, really good.

In Miriam Cohen's Behind the Walls, we encounter the true story of Chanah Zucker, a Jewish girl from Belgium.

During the Holocaust, the Underground Resistance hid her in a convent, along with many other Jewish girls. 

While the convent took decent physical care of the girls, most of the nuns were abusive, particularly toward the Jewish girls.

Chanah suffered emotionally & spiritually throughout her years in the convent.

However, Chanah possessed a beautiful singing voice and loved to sing. Her hours in the convent choir gave her much-needed enjoyment & comfort.

In addition to the pretty melodies & music, the religious lyrics also spoke to her (though not the specific references to a trinity, but to God in general).

When finally rescued after the War & taken to a refugee center for Jewish children & teenagers, Chanah flourished in the frum Jewish environment.

She loved singing in Hebrew & Yiddish, and learned new Jewish songs.

Yet every night after she and her frum roommates lay down to sleep, Chanah sang the choir songs to her roommates.

She simply couldn't let go of the music she became conditioned to love during her years in the convent.

However, when Chanah finally received her certificate to go to a religious community in Eretz Yisrael, her close frum friend begged Chanah to turn over a new leaf and restrain herself from singing the choir songs. Speaking from the heart, Chanah's friend said (page 303):

Chanah agreed with her friend's heartfelt logic. She took upon herself not to sing the choir songs any longer.

Look at the pull of music...

Chanah grew up in a loving frum home with frum singing.

Her years in the convent were full of misery. The Nazis wiped out her entire family except for a couple of distant cousins.

Yet when she finally rejoined her people—and the home for Jewish youth was run by very caring, nurturing people, plus her peers there were also very nice & caring—Chanah struggled to let go of the church music, even though she remained fully aware of its source.

So we see from this example (and many others) how normalcy of the emotional attachment to music, even when we know its source is not compatible with who we really are.​

You could just go cold turkey (like Chanah Zucker).

You could just toss out all your stuff. (See above.)

However, you might find yourself craving the music during hard times, even years later.

You might get "hit" when you hear the music coming from cars or neighbors.

As noted above, it's often most effective to simply fill yourself up with good stuff (or at least, basically kosher music).

You get yourself used to (and hopefully hooked on) kosher music, and you put the non-kosher music aside.

Also, as you continue in your Torah-learning & listening to shiurim, the good stuff you imbibe starts to make the bad stuff feel uncomfortable. It simply doesn't jibe with the constantly renewing New You.

Eventually, the non-kosher music starts to sound bad. Maybe there'll still be a couple of exceptions, but you'll for sure start getting fed up with the inappropriate lyrics.

And even frum music that copies non-kosher music too closely starts to sound unappealing.

It's a process & you can't be too hard on yourself about it for all the reasons explained earlier in this post.

Finally, it's very good to ask yourself what lies beneath your pull toward a particular song?

Are you looking for comfort? A lift? Reassurance? To recapture a certain moment or time in your life? The feeling of connection?

You can talk this out, create a mind-map or a freewrite about it, or just let your thoughts free-flow on the topic.

These are spiritual desires that really indicate a longing for connection with Hashem, with your soul, and so on. (I heard this from rabbis & rebbetzins throughout the years. It makes so much sense.)

Music creates an emotional shortcut to the desired emotional states.

But if you get down to the nitty-gritty of what your pull toward a certain song or music is telling you, you can uncover a whole new layer in yourself, a deeper level of self-awareness & self-discovery that provides you with newfound wisdom beyond the whole issue of music.