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Blog Update

31/12/2017

Hi,

I just wanted to let you know with regard to lags in comments and blog posts:

My family members and I keep getting hit with minor illnesses, which aren't awful but are certainly annoying & inconvenient.

Furthermore, one of my children sleeps in the room where the computer sits and he also often works very late hours which cause him to sleep in late (a legitimate reason for sleeping in late, eh?), making me reluctant to bother him (even though he's very good-natured about it & doesn't usually complain except via an occasional joke here and there).

Furthermore, while I often manage to check my blog on Friday, I rarely manage to do so right after Shabbat and only around Sunday noon or later. This can mean a particularly annoying delay if you comment after I've already checked the blog on Friday and don't get to it again to post your comment until 3:25 Sunday afternoon.

(Needless to say, you could also get lucky and post a comment or send an email right at one of my computer-available times...)

Finally, this also affects how I post. I've actually been writing posts out by hand in the mornings, then transcribing them to the blog later. At first, I hated the idea of this, but it seems to working out well enough. Heck, I think it might even be good for me!

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know and say sorry about any particularly long delays in posting your comment or answering your emails.

(For musings about the possible benefit of writing first drafts by hand before typing up the final draft -- as opposed to creating first drafts directly onto the computer -- please see: Is Something Lost When Your Keyboard Replaces Your Pen?)

May Hashem grant everyone good health and restful nights!

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The 2 Main Keys (God Willing) to Parenting Success

27/12/2017

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One of the most frustrating aspects of struggling with a child is the advice and "help" from "experts."

Yes, some of it is genuinely good and helpful.

But many parents eventually run into a "wall," whether early on or at some point down the road.

Unfortunately, well-meaning frum publications and speakers declared years ago that all issues with OTD children derived from shalom bayit problems. (In contrast, a Rebbe -- Novominsker, I think? -- knowledgeable in this topic declared long before that problems could derive from different areas, depending on the child's personality and environment: learning disabilities, shalom bayis problems, problematic teachers, etc.)

Four scenarios result from this, all with the same ultimate failing:
1) Parents with really good shalom bayis are nitpicked and interrogated by well-meaning advisers and counselors to discover the domestic friction that "must" be there.

2) Parents with really bad shalom bayis because one spouse is seriously dysfunctional and thus the shalom bayis remains really bad NO MATTER WHAT the non-dysfunctional spouse does to improve it (because dysfunctional people don't cooperate regardless of how high the stakes because they are, well, dysfunctional) are blamed and eventually sink into despair over a situation they cannot control or improve no matter how high they jump.
(For this agonizing situation, tefillah & chesbon hanefesh are really the only solutions.)

3) People improve their shalom bayis, but the child either doesn't improve, or gets worse, or improves a little but not all the way, or the child eventually returns to frumkeit but another child starts acting up.

4) Parents really struggle to improve their shalom bayis, but this is really difficult because (for a variety of reasons) a spiritually struggling child actually causes friction between the couple.

And the biggest problem of all?

The REAL issue is never really addressed or tackled.

The 2 Main Keys to Success (with God's Help)

The 2 main keys to successful child-rearing are:

1) Tefillah (prayer, personal and heartfelt)
2) Cheshbon hanefesh (self-accounting combined with teshuvah)

In fact, Sages throughout Jewish history continually recommend these 2 acts as the root response for anything that ails a person, whether it's mental illness, physical illness, war, tragedy, financial problems, marital problems, chinuch problems, etc.

Obviously, you can do other things in conjunction with the 2 keys mentioned above.

For example, when I hear a siren warning of an incoming missile, I do not continue frying up my omelette while murmuring Tehillim and thinking of what I need to improve in myself.

No. I turn off the gas and quickly go the reinforced safe room, close the metal window protect and the annoyingly heavy door, and THEN I pray and do teshuvah.

So you can definitely engage in practical efforts alongside the tefillah and teshuvah.

But these are the main 2 keys to successful child-rearing.

Why?

Finely Tuned Messages Straight from Hashem

Everything is a message from Hashem.

Everything is swung at us for our benefit.

A child's behavior is often a mirror of sorts.

A massively magnifying mirror, in fact.

Superficially, if your child is rebelling against Judaism, it could be that you are also a bit rebellious against certain core Jewish concepts...even if you cover your hair with 2 coverings and won't ever wear a shaitel not even to your child's wedding, you take out Shabbat according to Rabbeinu Tam, you wouldn't even think of eating something with less than Badatz Eideh HaCharedis certification, and you send your children to only the most exclusive frum schools, and you wouldn't dream of having even filtered Internet let alone a smartphone.

But there might be something you're overlooking, something essential to your amazing potential to which Hashem wants to lovingly call your attention.

Sometimes, the point to focus on is extremely subtle.

For example, one mother (who worked as a teacher) used intensive self-scrutiny to discover that her children's stomach-turning rivalry & bullying was a hint from God to continue to discipline a bullying student of hers without any smirky feelings of "Ha! Gotchya, ya little varmint!" Yes, she was correct to stop bullying in her classroom, but she was feeling gratified about punishing the bully in a way that wasn't appropriate. After all, the bully was only a child herself. That, combined with heartfelt pleas for improved sibling relationships among her children, basically resolved her children's bullying within a few days.

Had she gone to chinuch experts, they merely would have plowed through her psyche and picked apart her marriage, searching for flaws (as defined by the "experts") in a sincere effort to discover the terrible mistake she "must" be making with her children.
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Without getting too personal, I want to testify that this method has helped me resolve issues that according to "experts," my husband and I should have needed long-term intense therapy and programs for ourselves and our children. Sometimes, the issues were resolved in a couple of days, sometimes it took much longer (and some still aren't resolved, but aren't as bad as what other people are suffering).

Baruch Hashem, negative experiences in dealing with chinuch classes, chinuch hotlines, and consultations with experts burned me pretty early on and inspired me to look elsewhere.

Because I got burned so badly, got rebuffed or condescended to so roundly, or just plain got confused by chinuch experts' weirdness & their own prejudices & shortcomings...and because I guess my ego is too fragile to keep going back for more of the above, I was able to step off the chinuch merry-go-round and turn to real chinuch and middot work, with help from Rav Shalom Arush's books:

1) Talk to Hashem
2) Examine myself for what I need to improve (whether it's directly related to my behavior toward my children or not)

Solving a Method Doesn't Necessarily Solve the Problem

Now, sometimes parents are doing something wrong directly to their children.

Maybe a parent is hitting, mocking, deriding, neglecting, or shouting at a child OR the other spouse. Maybe there is a shalom bayit problem caused equally by both parents, which can be at least partly remedied by at least one parent cleaning up his or her act.

If so, then that will come out in a cheshbon hanefesh.

Yes, sometimes chinuch experts are correct when they offer constructive criticism to a parent. But they can also be wrong, overfocus on a lesser issue, and so on.

And it can be very bewildering (especially for an inexperienced parent) to filter out the correct advice amid all the wonky stuff.

In the secular world, I knew parents who'd been physically abusing their children and were "caught" by the system (usually initiated by a child's acting out). They went through counseling and stopped hitting (out of fear of social or legal consequences), but never became good parents. And while their children were relieved to no longer live in fear of being hit, they still suffered emotional neglect and generally feeling unloved and unvalued, which still led to self-destructive behaviors later.

Merely solving one problematic behavior on the part of the parents doesn't lead to overall good parenting or to overall self-improvement.

"Perfect" Parents May Need a Major Overhaul Too

As parents, we need to want to become better people overall.

Finally, I know families in which the parents have bad middot, but good shalom bayit and are loving parents toward their children. Why? That's just how their self-interest happens to go. They see their spouse and children as extensions of their own ego and so they treat them all pretty well. Add to that the natural love parents tend to feel toward their children and viola! You've got elitist jerks with pretty loving, functional families.

But when their kids start acting out, they'll be exposed to heavy focus on their parenting methods and again, the neverending quest for hidden shalom bayit problems (which may or may not exist).

Again, it all gets back to what we need to fix in ourselves.

And yes, it can be puzzling, frustrating, and discomfiting work.

But ultimately, that's what we're here for and it ends up being very rewarding too.

May we all experience nachat d'Kedusha from all our children.

Related posts:
Chinuch & Cheshbon Hanefesh: How It Really Works
How to Overcome Obstacles Blocking You from Doing True Cheshbon Hanefesh
5 Reasons Why Cheshbon Hanefesh is Better Than a Chinuch Professional Picking You Apart
Chinuch's Holy Grail: There Isn't One
(You can also click on "Chinuch" in the sidebar of Categories)

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When Grief and Joy Dwell in the Same Heart

21/12/2017

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Recent days see us careening from profound heartbreak and shock at the death and injuries of the beautiful Azan family to another infinitely more joyful shock at the yearned-for release of Shalom Mordechai Rubashkin.

We can't stop grieving for the Azans, but we also can't stop rejoicing for the Rubashkins.

And this is yet another paradox experienced by the Jewish soul.

Anyway, I only just discovered Rubashkin's release when perusing Yeranen Yaakov this afternoon (Israel-time).

And as others have already pointed out, there's beautiful significance in his release coming just as Chanukah trailed out and during Parshat Vayigash, when Binyamin is released and also the Tribes' bloodguilt is released and Yaakov Avinu is released from his grief over what happened to Yosef Hatzaddik.

Freedom all around at all levels, in other words.

But like CDG pointed out in the comments, we still need to keep davening for Rubashkin because he isn't completely free (just like with Yehonatan Pollard) or absolved yet and apparently still owes a major and unwarranted fine.

Here's the link: Trump on Zot Hanukah

Also, if you haven't yet seen them, there are 2 very special videos that can teach us a lot:

Link: Rubashkin's Son Preps Us for Mashiach
In just 50 seconds, Rubashkin's son (bottommost video) imparts wonderful mussar about maintaining a readiness for Mashiach based on how he experienced the news of his father's release. Cheerful and invigorating!

Link: The Neshama-Based Response to Good News
Just as Rubashkin's unjust imprisonment united all different kinds of Jews in davening for his release, his miraculous release has also united Jews in celebration of his release. See Satmar and Lubavitch Jews dancing together! (They appear after Rubashkin speaks.) Their achdut (unity) and simcha should be a zechut for us all.

In connection with the Satmar-Lubavitch dancing:
The Kli Yakar writes in Parshat Beshelach (Shemot/Exodus 15:20-21) that macholot (dancing) is related to the word for forgiveness (mechilah). He says that we also learn from Miriam’s dancing that anyone who “utters a song” after a miracle was done for him, it is known that he (or she!) is forgiven for all their sins.
______________
Please continue davening for the COMPLETE freedom and pardon of:
Yehonatan ben Malka
Shalom Mordechai HaLevi ben Rivka

Also, please continue davening for the complete healing of:
Yosef ben Ahuva Masuda
Shilat bat Aliza
Daniel ben Aliza
Avraham ben Aliza (in stable condition, but could still use prayers)
Note: Some list the mother's name as Louza Aliza. If anyone knows for certain what the correct name is, please leave it in the comments. Thank you.
(Donations to these Azan family survivors can be made HERE)

May we only hear good news from now on.

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The Two Special Powers of Hitbodedut

14/12/2017

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In Words of Faith, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender explains the 2 special powers of hitbodedut (speaking with God in your own words):

It lets a person know that he is ill (spiritually speaking).
It heals that very illness.

For there are all sorts of defects and crooked things to which a person becomes accustomed (whether in matters between him and God or whether in matters between him and another person).

A person is so used to them, he doesn't even feel he's behaving improperly.

Therefore...he is prone to continue his whole life without feeling anything wrong whatsoever.

On the contrary, outwardly, he makes a positive impression. He is counted as an honorable person (a sheiner Yid). They give him honor and take his opinion seriously.

But he himself is really sick...something that requires immediate attention...

Rav Bender hastens to reassure us that honest self-knowledge is possible through speaking copiously to Hashem in our own words.

Words!

"[Words] have the power to unearth and fix all deeds from then until now -- even things long forgotten...here below, teshuvah helps for everything. To atone and purify and erase the worst defect."

[From page 451; emphases mine -- MR]

I just want to say that I've seen this within myself since I started talking to God about all sorts of things. Before, I thought of myself as someone who was relatively self-aware. I also did a form of chesbon hanefesh, when I combed over my day regarding my own behavior or re-examined my behavior when a negative response prompted me to.

Yet turning to God and using others (particularly my children) as mirrors or messengers for how Hashem wants me to improve opened spiritual vistas within myself.

There was so much I really hadn't realized about myself and the inner work I needed to do.

Also, many times, I've seen others who have really special qualities and brilliant potential, but are strapped down by certain negative qualities woven through them. It's like they're trapped within a klippah and can't really blossom into full bloom. But the beautiful buds are obviously there.

In other words, it really is impossible to know what needs healing until you turn to Hashem in your own words.

And then to heal that newly discovered flaw? Again, Hashem really helps.

He wants us to bloom into the beautiful potential He imbued within each and every one of us.

It's not about feeling bad.
(Remorse and regret? Yes. Self-loathing and feeling bad or hopelessly defective? No.)

It's about feeling happy about removing yet another suffocating weed to allow your unique soul-garden to expand and flourish.

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How to Speak or Listen to the Lashon Hara of Hurt Feelings

13/12/2017

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A common stumbling block with lashon hara occurs in the process of unburdening one's heart of hurt or angry feelings.

This ranges from speaking badly about someone as a form of revenge against whatever offense they committed (real or imagined, intentional or unintentional) to the negative speech that leaks out from the overwhelming pain that results from genuine abuse and mistreatment.

In the latter situation, it seems unfeeling and even cruel to halt such an outpouring by declaring, "THAT'S lashon hara!" or "Well, I'm sure he didn't mean to do that" or "But don't you feel sorry for her?"

On the other hand, those operating within the constraints of a personality disorder feel genuinely hurt and rejected when their victims set necessary and mutually beneficial boundaries -- no matter how gently and regretfully those boundaries are set.

Such types are notorious for weeping actual tears as they pour out their wounded feelings -- feelings wounded in the course of their victims merely protecting themselves. (Nobody likes to feel that HE'S the problem in a relationship.) And so they end up defaming completely (or mostly) innocent people, something the listener is forbidden to be party to.

(In such a case, there's also the problem for the listener of chanifah, telling or allowing someone to feel that an aveira is permitted.)

So what to do?

As always, halacha comes to the rescue.

(The following has been culled from The Laws of Interpersonal Relationships: Practical Applications in Business, Home, and Society by Rabbi Avrohom Ehrman, pages 209-212. I highly recommend this book! He also offers illustrative examples, which this post doesn't.)

Why Relief-Based Lashon Hara Can Be Permissible

In the case of a person who suffered harm yet finds no recourse but to bear his distress with weighted heart, Sanhedrin 100b advises him to relate his troubles to others, even though doing so might bring him to speak lashon hara.

Yet done correctly, the lashon hara resulting from unburdening your heart to relieve emotional pain is deemed lashon hara l'toelet (a necessary and beneficial purpose).

Why is this permissible lashon hara l'toelet?

2 reasons:

Your intention is to relieve the burden of emotional pain & distress.
You are seeking advice.

The first is the primary reason.

In other words: Empathy is enough of a reason; there's no obligation to also give or receive advice.

(Note: Rav Ehrman stresses that while listeners and speakers can fool themselves with regard to their underlying motivations, they can't fool Hashem. It's important to strive as much as you can to be honest about whether you truly need to unburden yourself or not, whether you're discussing your own pain or trash-talking the other person, and therefore, whether you're speaking lashon for a beneficial reason or a harmful reason.)

With the proper intention in mind (of gaining relief by unburdening one's heart of emotional pain and distress), Rav Ehrman then gives several examples in which he uses the wife as the confidant for the husband, but he stresses that the examples pertain to any close relationship, such a the husband as a confidant for his wife, or confidences between 2 close friends or between a parent and child, etc.

In fact, he emphasizes that sharing the difficulties of life is an essential component of a close relationship, sourcing the importance of doing so in the verse "V'ahavta l're'echa kamocha -- You shall love your neighbor as yourself" and verses from Yeshayahu and Tehillim: "You shall go in His Ways," implying that just as Hashem is always with a person in his troubles, so must we be with a person in his troubles.

Furthermore, Rav Ehrman states (pg. 210):

"The closer the relationship, the greater the responsibility to share in the other person's trials and tribulations. The closest relationship is between husband and wife, where the responsibility to share in each other's troubles is part of the essence of marriage."

In light of this, Rav Ehrman stresses that if a spouse's life is being made miserable by someone at, say, work, then the other spouse should ask about the troubled spouse's problems in order to share them...but in a way that reminds them both of the basic halacha at the heart of it all.

One example from the book is:
"If you need to tell me about your troubles, I will be happy to listen to you. Remember, lashon hara for a beneficial purpose is permitted."

The Pele Yoetz also recommends that husbands confide in their wives, deriving this from the Gemara's direction to bend down to whisper with one's wife if she is much smaller than he. The Pele Yoetz considers a wife to be a husband's most loyal and empathetic confidant.

And according to Breslov philosophy, the concept of sichat chaverim means you turn to a trusted & spiritual friend for chizuk (soul-restoring encouragement).

In fact, Rav Ofer Erez even stated that there are some things for which only sichat chaverim can help. He explained you can do copious hitbodedut on certain issues, but you won't find relief or a solution until you speak about with a friend. (Frankly, with all the emphasis Breslov places on talking to Hashem, this idea shocked me. Wish I could remember where he said it...)

It seems to me that the spiritual "physics" behind this allow you to be influenced by your friend's unique good point and for your friend to be influenced by your unique good point (as Rav Bender discusses in his book, Words of Faith).

The Laws of How to Confide or Hear Confidences

Despite Judaism's emphasis on empathy and compassion toward others, it still stands against a verbal free-for-all. An undisciplined outpouring usually feels good momentarily, but actually harms everyone involved.

So the speaker is supposed to concentrate on his or her feelings and experience, and not on the offending person's qualities.

Practically speaking, I think this means you would talk about how hurt or distressed you feel and what happened to you, and not about how awful the other person is and how much you hate him.

At the same time, the listener is still obligated to think of ways to refrain from believing any negativity cast on the subject of the lashon hara l'toelet.

This sounds very difficult to do, especially since you tend to identify strongly with someone you feel so close to, but Rav Ehrman encourages us by pointing out that "in today's perverse society, it is not difficult to find excuses for otherwise fine people who were influenced to act improperly."

Having said that, Rav Ehrman cautions the listener not to mention the positive thoughts meant to counter the negative speech if that will inflame or upset the speaker even more.

Sometimes, sharing your positive spin is extremely helpful for the suffering person and is exactly what they wanted or needed. In such a case, the person feels genuinely grateful for the new point of view.

But other times, it's extremely hurtful and damaging because it feels like the listener is siding with your abuser and even justifying the hurt or mistreatment as if it's okay to treat you like that.

So it takes real insight and genuine concern for the speaker's well-being to know how to respond.

So here are the directives for lashon hara l'toelet for emotional relief (as opposed to the protective lashon hara l'toelet mentioned in a previous post):

For The Speaker:
Permissible Intent or Reasons

Gaining emotional relief
Unburdening one's heart of pain, suffering, and distress
Needs practical advice about how to best handle the situation

Forbidden Intent or Reasons

Enjoys denigrating others
Enjoys denigrating the person who caused the distress
Wants to publicize the subject's flaws
Wants to influence others to also dislike or reject the subject of the lashon hara (not for protective purposes, but simply out of spite, vengeance, or hatred)

Halachic Actions
Find a confidant who is:

well-versed in the laws of speech
possesses a basic fear of Heaven (yirat Shamayim)
is trustworthy and will never repeat your confidences
is empathetic without fanning the flames even more
understands the role as a listener (i.e. listening only to help and/or to advise and not to add fire to the flames or gossip)
refrains from judging negatively (though they should be insightful enough not to share that with you if you'll feel worse for it)

For The Listener
Permissible Intent or Reasons

To contribute practical or emotional support
To relieve the speaker's emotional burden
To relieve the speaker's distress
To offer advice

Forbidden Intent or Reasons

To satisfy curiosity
Enjoys hearing the dirt on others
Enjoys feeling superior to others

Halachic Actions

Can and should empathize with the speaker
Mentally give the subject the benefit of the doubt
Try not to believe the negative information
In a very close relationship, you can actively invite the speaker (in a way the encourages adherence to halacha) to share negative feelings for the sake of relieving them

However, there are situations in which the leniency to invite a loved one to speak potential lashon hara is forbidden even between spouses:

when the speaker lacks basic fear of Heaven
when the speaker is ignorant of the basic laws of lashon hara (and will likely therefore not even attempt to hold one's speech to the minimal halachic standard because they don't know to do so)
willfully violates the laws of lashon hara on a regular basis (i.e. "doesn't believe in it", etc.)

Note: There are also situations in which the person being spoken about is a genuinely bad person and you may be obligated to NOT give them the benefit of the doubt. Encouraging the speaker seeing such a person in a falsely positive light can be the wrong path to take. Bad people often possess nefarious motives for doing good things, and people who view the bad person's seemingly good actions as a way to "prove" the bad person's supposedly good intentions can find themselves accomplices to forbidden acts of abuse and damage and other transgressions. In such situations, a competent and discerning rabbinical expert should be consulted.

Why is This All So Hard?

Because of the cozy symbiosis common in very close relationships, the above often feels stilted and unnatural.

And while some people are naturally more formal or contemplative with their speech, and therefore might take to the above more smoothly, others are more casual or impulsive or emotional, making the above halachot more difficult to incorporate.

For example, if you truly relate to, say, your spouse as your soul mate and best friend, how are you realistically supposed to come out with the formal invitation to speak as suggested in the book? (i.e., "If you need to tell me about your troubles, I will be happy to listen to you. Remember, lashon hara for a beneficial purpose is permitted.")

Suggestion:

Acknowledge that feels strange or unnatural. And then do it in your own style. You guys can laugh about it (in a way that doesn't mock the halacha) and say it in a humorous way or use whatever nusach fits you and your relationship.

Also, your initial feeling is to be uninhibited regarding your loved one's side of thing.
It's natural to feel outraged or self-righteous on behalf of your loved one.
It's natural to wholeheartedly commiserate with someone with whom you identify so strongly and feel so close to.

Yet the halacha limits this very natural and normal response to a certain extent.

Empathy and compassion are definitely permitted and even mandated, but neither participant should forget that ultimately, God is running things...including the distressing things. These challenges are measured out for our own benefit, even when it doesn't feel like it.

And let's face it...
Many halachot feel odd or unnatural until you've internalized them to some extent.
For example, many people have struggled with acclimating to:

giving the benefit of the doubt
aspects of tsniut (personal dignity which includes modest dress and behavior)
aspects of taharat hamishpacha
borer on Shabbat
covering your hair as a married Jewish woman
and much more

Here's true story of how well it works when the halacha is followed:
I faced the temporary falling-out with a good friend due to us growing differently and not compatibly.

During that time, neither of us even hinted to others about the falling-out, not even to our husbands. Any comments from children or husbands ("How come you two haven't gotten together for a while?" or "I haven't had to field phone calls from your friend in a long time. Did something happen?") were met with non-committal responses ("Haven't been feeling well" "Difficult to get out with a baby" "Our free time doesn't match up to call each other" "They take in Shabbos early", etc.).

When we got in sync again, the coming-together was seamless because there was no fallout. No one else had been involved in any way whatsoever.

In fact, during that time, her children continued to relate to me with the same warmth they always had even as they asked me why they hadn't seen me for a while. From this, I saw how careful their mother was being not to even hint at any friction between us.

And now we're back in sync with each other and everything really is fine.

Why? Because we both shut our mouths.

And I appreciate and admire her even more than I did before.

The above really struck me how worthwhile it is to carefully observe the laws of lashon hara even with the people to whom we feel the closest.

Well, I hope this was helpful.

Believe me, it really helped me to review this all because lashon hara l'toelet tends not to be reviewed as much as totally forbidden types of lashon hara.

Note: Any errors found in any halacha stated above are certainly unintentional and are not the fault of Rav Avrohom Ehrman, but my own fault for either not understanding or not repeating them correctly.

For related posts, please see:
Insights into Lashon Hara about Yourself
4 Things to Know about Beneficial Lashon Hara
Friendship and Encouraging Words

Toa Heftiba

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Insights into Lashon Hara about Yourself

5/12/2017

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There's a famous story of the Chafetz Chaim about the time he rode on a train next to a man who enthused about meeting the great tzaddik of Radin, Rav Yisrael Meir Kagan (the Chafetz Chaim himself)...not knowing that it was to the Chafetz Chaim he was speaking.

When the Chafetz Chaim brushed off the man's praise, implying that the Chafetz Chaim wasn't actually so great, the man hit the Chafetz Chaim for having the galling chutzpah to denigrate such a great tzaddik.

Yet upon their arrival, the shame-filled man realized his mistake and begged forgiveness.

But the Chafetz Chaim wasn't angry at him.

“I deserved to be beaten,” said the Chafetz Chaim, “because, as I have learned, one may not speak lashon hara - even about oneself!”

Being Aboveboard or Going Overboard?

If I understand the halacha correctly, there is more leniency for speaking about yourself than others, but both the Chafetz Chaim and the Lubavitcher Rebbe said you generally shouldn't. Other earlier sources (Shaarei Teshuvah and the Gemara) warn against publicizing your transgressions.

So even if you are allowed more leeway for speaking negatively of yourself than speaking of others, it's still something you need to do within certain parameters.

Yet this idea is largely ignored in American culture.

Within American culture, there is mounting pressure since the Seventies to be "open and aboveboard" and "honest" in the effort to destigmatize a whole array of problems and to provide support and reassurance to the lonesome-feeling afflicted.

(I just want to point out that overall -- other than temporary initial relief -- this process hasn't worked. Recent surveys show that people feel more lonely and less empathetic than ever before.)

Even the American frum community has swallowed this, although some frum communities are more reserved about their negatives, but this is generally because they are afraid of what others will think, and not due to the prohibition of lashon hara and upholding self-dignity and the kind of privacy that allows you freedom to improve yourself.

When & How to Speak of Your Faults

The truth is, I hadn't thought so much about self-denigration or being open about one's faults and the halachic status.

But Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender discusses it with great feeling in Words of Faith, Vol. I.

Rav Bender extracts the mussar below from the following sources:

Chayei Mohoran (Rebbe Nachman's biography), which quotes from Vayikra Rabbah 89:9: "One does not great his friend in unclean places."
Avot 4:23: "Do not strive to see someone at the time of their downfall."
Tehillim 32:1: "Fortunate is one who covers his sin."
Brachos 34b, which states that one who publicizes his sin is considered brazen (because it shows he's not ashamed of his sin)

He explains (page 376):

"Meaning that the tikkun of sin is only through confessing before Hashem Yitbarach or the true Tzaddik. For few are those who are able to hear confess without it causing the confessor to be discouraged."

Interestingly, Rav Bender's concern is only for the sinner himself, and not the listener.

As he indicates above:

Revealing your sin to others doesn't do anything concrete for you, other than providing momentary relief (IF the listener responds properly); only telling Hashem (or a particularly high-level tzaddik) actually repairs the spiritual damage
He doesn't want even the worst sinner to become discouraged or despondent

He further advises (page 373):

"Know this: To join a friend in personal matters, especially in sins and iniquities, does much damage."

And then on page 376, he cautions listeners against "digging after mistakes, even if you mean well." He advises well-intentioned listeners:

"In practice: Do not desire to know another's personal matters for it is only the work of the yetzer and his seductions. And it is the complete opposite of why friends bond."

Initially, I found that last sentence shocking. Growing up female in the secular "progressive" USA, I always got the impression that bonds are created when you share your vulnerabilities, i.e., your faults and weaknesses.

That was always the cultural message, particularly to females.

But thinking it over, I realized he was right.

In the secular USA, your friends often end up doing things very harmful to themselves and you can't say anything for fear of seeming judgmental or controlling, and causing them to feel rejected. So you just put up with it and act like they're okay, when they actually far from being okay.

And they do the same for you.

And it's really not good for anyone.

Openness & Honesty: For God's "Eyes" Only

If you've grown up in Western society (particularly America), you've probably revealed way too much to others about your faults and mistakes.

Yet you likely didn't do it out of lack of shame or brazenness, but to relieve the overwhelming shame that plagued you, to receive comfort and reassurance, and to give hope to others by reassuring them that they aren't alone.

So please don't think that if you revealed negative stuff about yourself that me or other frummies are thinking, "Gevald! What a brazen shameless self-slanderer you are!"

We're not.

Believe me, I understand the impulse all too well.

Yet I still don't know exactly where the balance lies.

However, Rav Bender advises:

"Keep both the good things you do and, chalila, the bad things hidden from others. Only Hakadosh Baruch Hu has to know of them by means of confession and daily hitbodedut.

For there is no one around now who has the power to hear another's secrets without causing him to feel down. It can make him discouraged. The benefit is outweighed by the loss."

How exactly to do this while still being "real" with others and avoiding the appearance of hypocrisy is beyond me right now, but I think it's important to at least be aware and start seeking the balance.

Apparently, being unreservedly "open and honest" is not the Jewish ideal, even if your intentions are beneficial (whether for yourself or others).

I'm not trying to put anyone down or make anyone (including myself!) feel bad for doing or having done this.

It's just keeping an eye on the real goal, despite conflicting messages from our emotions or culture.

But perhaps the example of the great people themselves can give us more direction.

Rav Bender: Light & Inspiration

For example, Rav Bender discusses aspects of teshuvah and self-improvement and spiritual work with great insight without specifying that he personally struggled with it (like when he talks about "dry" hitbobedut and the feeling that your words aren't accomplishing anything, even though they actually are).

He provides wonderful chizuk (soul-restoring encouragement) in many areas, without specifically saying it was his personal struggle too. But the implication is there.

Rav Bender also acknowledges the need to turn to others in sichat chaverim, but the objective is to receive chizuk. He cautions us to only reveal our general struggle without all the gory details, expounding on his definition of friendship (page 376):

"The entire matter of talking with friends is as the Rebbe writes in Lesson 34:
'Each person should speak to his friend in fear of Heaven in order to receive inspiration from his friend's special point that he doesn't have.... This point is the aspect of "Tzaddik" relative to his friend. It shines in the other's heart.' "

Rather than give-and-take, Rav Bender sees friendship as give-and-receive.

He summarizes:

"This is the whole point of speaking among friends:

--To unearth and illuminate your friend's unique good points
--To shine to him from your special point.

But not more than that."

Rav Bender sees you as a source of light and inspiration for your friends, and your friends are a source of light and inspiration for you.

And as far as he's concerned, this is the only purpose for sharing with each other.

Nechoma Greisman: Practical Lessons & Guidance

Another truly wonderful resource and example is The Nechoma Greisman Anthology.

Born and raised in New York, Nechoma came as a young Chabad emissary to Tzfat and she possessed exceptional humility, warmth, and emuna.

She was charmingly open about her struggles with her yetzer hara (which were on a much higher level than other people's yetzer hara), such as overcoming her innate shyness to approaching Jewish-looking strangers on the New York train to encourage them in mitzvot and offer support and more information or dealing with feelings of inferiority when facing a doctorate-educated highly skilled professional.

Yet she overcomes her yetzer and shares the lessons she learned with us.

Never pretending to be more than she was, Nechoma openly admitted "I'm no model housekeeper" (although she actually was an excellent homemaker and mother) and encourages women to ask other women for advice in areas of personal weakness -- just as she herself did.

In order to benefit others, she told of her mistakes and what she learned from them.

And despite the common romanticization of the early years of motherhood as easy and enviable, Nechoma found herself in a "particularly difficult period" after only her second birth:

"I was very tense. At the same time, my conscience bothered me...I could not return to my normal pre-baby activities."

To her relief, a newly frum psychologist arrived from America. He'd become a Chabadnik and she managed to get a private consultation with him.

"I poured my heart out to him, telling him of my conflict between being a mother who was presently tied to her home, and being an active shluchah [Chabad emissary]....

Unhesitatingly, the psychologist told her to take an example from the Lubavitcher Rebbe himself, who limited his activities after a heart attack until after his health returned, telling her:

"You, as a young mother, are obligated to know that there are different periods in a person's life. The months immediately after birth must be dedicated to your baby. Afterwards, you can return to your other duties."

Nechoma continued:

"We spoke for a long time about various pressures on the Rebbe's shluchim...He admitted there were very few people who had the same kind of pressure on them.

Nevertheless, he added, a woman must react differently.

Her first obligations were to her family.

I thanked him very much for the advice and his clear understanding of the situation."

Despite not having nearly the same responsibilities as Nechoma had, I still found her message very helpful, validating, and valuable chizuk.
(The entire book is like this, by the way.)

Speaking of Yourself: Necessity and Benefit

The common thread I see between Rav Bender's advice and examples and Nechoma Greisman's examples is similar to lashon hara l'toelet:

necessity
beneficial purpose

Nechoma wasn't just venting to the psychologist; she was in a truly difficult situation which demanded chizuk and advice. Of course, validation is also part of the package, but it didn't stop there.

Likewise, Rav Bender and his colleagues didn't merely vent to each other. They received chizuk along with the validation.

And when Nechoma revealed her vulnerabilities and mistakes, she always concluded them with the lessons learned in the process. Her revelations contained clear and beneficial purpose for her listeners.

Rav Bender didn't get as personal with his listeners as Nechoma, but he still spoke of certain aspects of spiritual struggle as an insider, all with the intent of benefiting his audience.

I'm sure there are other examples, but this is all I could dig up for now:
a Breslover tzaddik and a Lubavitcher tzaddekes.

So to sum up the possible parameters for revealing one's faults:

Necessity

Do I need to reveal this?
If so, why?

Benefit

Do I benefit from revealing this?
Do others benefit from my revelation?
If so, how?

Avoid Excess Damage

If I need to reveal this, how should I do so?
What is not necessary to reveal?
What's beneficial and what's not beneficial in the revelation?

Again, this is just my extrapolation from only two examples.

As mentioned above, I'm still in the process of learning and fully understanding this concept myself.

Related Posts:
Power of Empathy: 3 Ways Empathy Can Improve Your Life
(Provides research on the increasing decline of empathy in modern society)
4 Things to Know about Beneficial Lashon Hara
How to Listen & How to Speak
Friendship & Encouraging Words

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4 Things to Know about Beneficial Lashon Hara

4/12/2017

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Recently, I had the unpleasant experience of being told that other people are speaking badly about me (telling me this is rechilut: tale-bearing). It was particularly frustrating because I actually had proof that their claims weren't true, but it's halachically questionable whether I'm allowed to show the rochel (tale-bearer) because this involves speaking lashon hara about the original speakers (i.e. identifying them as liars and slanderers, among other things) and it seemed that the rochel wouldn't necessarily accept what I'd show her.

Furthermore, there isn't any real damage to me. It's just social slander among a tiny group of people whom I rarely see and to their credit, it doesn't seem like they're spreading it beyond themselves. So it doesn't affect my life or job or reputation in general.

Therefore, despite the fact that I faced the irresistible desperation to prove my own version of events, I let it go after one instinctive (and likely impermissible) attempt to defend myself.

In the spirit of Rav Ofer Erez's ideas discussed on this blog, I realized that Hashem wants me to be the kind of person who can find herself in this kind of frustrating and infuriating situation without falling into petty or vengeful behavior herself.
AND without obsessively thinking about what I wish I could say to them or raging at the unfairness of it all.

(And just for knowing: In addition to this blog being anonymous, I've blurred details of the situation. No one can know who I'm talking about and I doubt that even the people involved would identify themselves if they came across this post.)

What's the Message in this Nisayon?

But another thought also occurred to me.

The person bearing tales genuinely felt she was doing the right thing.

She wanted to be helpful.

She honestly thought that if I knew how other people claimed to feel about me, it would inspire me to make peace with them.

She didn't realize that I had tried to make peace with them, but they instinctively lean toward a kind of unhealthy relationship that I find unacceptable. Even when gently informed directly of their hurtful behavior, they didn't stop and sometimes refused to even acknowledge their "mistake." Eventually, I saw that they couldn't stop themselves. Maybe one day they will be able to, but they aren't able to now.

Anyway, she only heard their side of the story and what she heard was a mix of truth and falsehood. Not wanting to accept that they had behaved as badly as they had, their minds instinctively either white-washed or ignored a lot of obvious stuff. I realized that nobody was consciously out to get me and that they didn't realize they were lying. They were saying the truth as they saw it. But it still really bothered me because it just wasn't true and it made me look so bad.

But had she reviewed the laws of lashon hara l'toelet (the laws regarding negative speech that has toelet: a necessary and beneficial purpose), she never would have said the words that caused me so much unnecessary pain and, contrary to her intent, made things worse.

So I realized that I needed to review these laws myself.

It's a very easy area to stumble in and even the best person could make exactly the same mistake she did.

Hashem obviously wants to alert me to this area of halacha.

So regarding the following halachot on lashon hara l'toelet, I'm reminding myself just as much as I'm reminding anyone else.

(It's culled from The Laws of Interpersonal Relationships: Practical Applications in Business, Home, and Society by Rabbi Avrohom Ehrman on pages 196-198. I have an older edition formerly entitled: Journey to Virtue. This is a fantastically helpful book.)

Intent

Before you relate lashon hara l'toelet, you need to be in the right frame of mind.

1) First of all, the majority of lashon hara l'toelet is protective...meaning, you are protecting the listener from the person of whom you're speaking:

You're protecting a business man from taking on an unethical partner.
You're protecting a single woman from marrying someone who abused his first wife.

It's not always protective, but it often is.

2) Secondly, you need to put aside all dislike or feelings of revenge or gratification.
Your intentions must be good, and based on the benefit of the person to whom you're speaking and not based on "sticking it" to the person of whom you're speaking negatively.
You must concentrate solely on a need-to-know basis. This is admittedly difficult to do if you're unsympathetic to the person of whom you're speaking, but it is necessary to discipline your mind and heart as much as possible in this matter.

Practically speaking, forcing yourself into a neutral emotional state actually assists you in getting your point across.

When you feel smug about the lashon hara l'toelet, you're more likely to smirk, sneer, giggle, or show other signs of pleasure (even without realizing it). These signs of pleasure make it harder for your listener to take your warning seriously, no matter how much proof you have of the other person's wrongdoing. You just look like you're trying to stick it to the other person.

3) You must be relatively sure the person will believe you.
If the person won't believe you, there's no point to the lashon hara, making it not l'toelet. Furthermore, telling lashon hara to people who won't believe you generally makes them dislike you. Often, they will strenuously defend themselves or the person of whom you're warning them. This is frustrating, especially if you see them hurt themselves via their relationship with this problematic person, but this is how life goes sometimes.

Now we're going to look at the 3 laws to follow when speaking lashon hara l'toelet:

Truth/Accuracy
Necessity
Avoid Excess Damage

(You'll see there is some overlapping of these categories.)

Truth & Accuracy

1) You must be certain that the perceived wrongdoing is actually wrong and not just a misunderstanding or misconception.

People make mistakes or face extenuating circumstances. It doesn't mean they are bad or even that they've done something wrong. It depends.

Also, you may be wrong in your understanding of the halacha.

2) NO embellishment! No putting your own spin on things or including your own analysis. "Just the bare facts, ma'am." (In my situation above, the tale-bearer actually embellished the lashon hara originally said about me, making what was presented to me even worse than what was originally said. Again, it was done with the idea that I'd feel so bad that I'd make peace with people who'd repeatedly hurt me, but despite the tale-bearer's good intentions, it is completely forbidden to exaggerate the original words of slander...which weren't supposed to be repeated in the first place.)

If you do need to offer your own perception, you must clear that you are doing so, that you've just left the arena of absolute fact and have entered into speculation. (It's best to consult with a wise and discerning posek before deciding to go this route.)

3) Just the absolute facts.

Necessity

Relating lashon hara l'toelet is permissible ONLY when there is no other choice.

Could you speak to the transgressor directly before speaking to others?
If the wrong-doer knew he was transgressing, would he stop?
Is it possible to convince the transgressor to mend his ways?

If so, then there is no heter to speak to others about him. You speak to him first.

(In my situation above, there was no necessity to speak about me originally or to pass on the rechilut to me. I'd already spoken with the people involved. They knew how I felt and I knew how they felt. They had no need to tell anyone else because they'd already told me. And the tale-bearer had no necessity to pass on their lashon hara because I already knew how they perceived things.)

But in a situation where there is a real need to speak up, it goes as follows:
1) Only on a need-to-know basis.
For example, your friend only needs to know that his potential business partner runs scams. He doesn't need to know that the potential business partner runs scams AND also always finishes off the donuts at office parties. If just the knowledge that he runs scams is enough to put your friend off from working with him, then that's all you say.

2) Try hints, allusions, or finessing the conversation.
If the information can be given over in hints and allusions OR conducted in a way that your friend comes to the correct conclusions by himself, then THAT is how you should give over the information.

Avoid Excess Damage

You must be careful not to cause more damage than the Torah allows.

1) Tell only WHO needs to know.
For example, you may be allowed to tell your friend of a potential partner's unethical tendencies, but you may not make a public proclamation that drives him out of town or ruins his business. Only your friend needs to know. The whole town doesn't need to know.

BTW, if everyone knows something bad about a certain person, it makes it very difficult for them to ever do teshuvah. Not impossible, but difficult to live out their new and improved self among people who can't change their view of them based on what was spread.

(Note: There is a place for public proclamations of a transgressor, but a wise and insightful posek should be consulted about such situations.)

2) Make sure your friend will believe you.
What's the fallout from warning someone who won't believe you?

They see you as a busybody, a drama queen, or a liar.
They dig their heels in and sympathize with their potential abuser even more, resolving to protect the wrong-doer, whom they now see as a victim.
They may even attack you out of a sense of misplaced loyalty.
You feel hurt about not being believed. What do they think you are, some kind of liar?
Tempted to prove your toelet, you may spill out even more information than halachically permitted.
You now like your friend less than you did before, especially if they attack you for trying to protect them from a person who can harm them.

See? No toelet.

(In my situation above, I already held a very strong opinion regarding the people who slandered me. The opinion was based on months of struggle and fruitless attempts at problem-solving and introspection. I was no longer ready to believe that the people who slandered me actually "care about you soooo much....", as reported by the well-intended tale-bearer. So there was no point in telling me and hearing it just made me feel impotent and resentful. But had she followed the first 2 steps of confirming Accuracy and Necessity, she never would've stumbled into the rechilut that caused Excess Damage, rather than the Wonderful Peace she intended to promote.)

Dissing Yourself or Confiding in Your Bosom Buddy

There are 2 other forms of lashon hara l'toelet:

Lashon hara about yourself
The need to emotionally relieve yourself of pain and anxiety

I intend to address these in upcoming posts.

People tend to be very lax with both these two forms of lashon hara (making them NOT l'toelet), which we see from the way so many good people commonly reveal quite a lot of negative stuff about themselves (possibly under the impression that it's a form of humility or permitted because they give themselves permission; really they're not even thinking about it because it doesn't feel like lashon hara) and the way that people tend to spill out quite a lot to a spouse, parents, siblings, and close friends.

About these two forms, people honestly don't seem aware they need to be careful.

And let's face it: Particularly with lashon hara about oneself, it's not discussed as often as protective lashon hara l'toelet, which comes up a lot regarding shidduchim and business.

Needless to say, I'm no expert in hilchot lashon hara, so any questions should be directed toward an expert who is wise and discerning.

The above is just an overview.

May Hashem protect us all from stumbling in forbidden speech.

Logan Nolin

Posts referred to above:
Being Who God Wants You to Be
(Rav Ofer Erez's insights on using challenges and ordeals as Heavenly hints on how to build yourself)
Insights into Lashon Hara about Yourself

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Blog Update

The 2 Main Keys (God Willing) to Parenting Success

The 2 Main Keys to Success (with God's Help)

Finely Tuned Messages Straight from Hashem

Solving a Method Doesn't Necessarily Solve the Problem

"Perfect" Parents May Need a Major Overhaul Too

When Grief and Joy Dwell in the Same Heart

The Two Special Powers of Hitbodedut

How to Speak or Listen to the Lashon Hara of Hurt Feelings

Why Relief-Based Lashon Hara Can Be Permissible

The Laws of How to Confide or Hear Confidences

Why is This All So Hard?

Insights into Lashon Hara about Yourself

Being Aboveboard or Going Overboard?

When & How to Speak of Your Faults

Openness & Honesty: For God's "Eyes" Only

Rav Bender: Light & Inspiration

Nechoma Greisman: Practical Lessons & Guidance

Speaking of Yourself: Necessity and Benefit

4 Things to Know about Beneficial Lashon Hara

What's the Message in this Nisayon?

Intent

Truth & Accuracy

Necessity

Avoid Excess Damage

Dissing Yourself or Confiding in Your Bosom Buddy

Myrtle Rising

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