Category: Books

Which Rabbi Should I Listen To?

15/11/2018

UPDATE: It's very helpful to read this link too:
Rav Avigdor Miller on The Man who Dresses like a Rabbi

I’d like to start off by talking about a negative experience with a rabbi who seemed very big.

But first, I need to give a bit of background:

We all have some kind of sore spot on our nefesh. It’s a place that’s vulnerable to pain, like a severely sunburned patch of skin.

So mine is being treated like I don’t exist.

Also, my husband and I served as rabbi and rebbetzin for a small shul in the US and also as part of a kiruv group in another place, so I saw a lot from the inside as far as rabbis go.

Is That You Talkin' or a Bumble Bee Walkin'?

Anyway, at the beginning of our marriage, my husband and I went to visit a rabbi (with the rabbi’s agreement) and at my husband’s prompting, I asked the rabbi directly, “What nusach should I daven?”

That question was part of the reason why we were there.

I’m Ashkenazi, my husband is Sephardi, and another rabbi told me that some poskim say the wife should take on her husband’s nusach while some say she should stick to her own familiar nusach.

So we went my husband’s rabbi to get a decisive answer.

And the rabbi acted like I hadn’t said anything. He just looked away and didn’t say a word -- not even a grunt.

I felt very embarrassed and confused. Had I said something wrong? Or was he thinking it over? Perhaps he hadn’t understood me with my heavy American accent?

I glanced at my husband, who also seemed taken aback, but after a long and uncomfortable silence, the rabbi started talking to my husband about something else.

I was really confused.

Also, just for knowing, the rabbi would look at me directly (in a modest manner) and address me directly at other times. So it wasn't that he refused to talk to or look me in the face by custom.

At a pause in the conversation, I waited a moment and then politely said something like, “Excuse me, kavod harav, um…I was just interested in knowing what nusach I should daven now?”

He looked at me in an odd way, then turned away and made no response.

So I said, “Um, the thing is I davened Ashkenazi until now, but now I’m supposed to take on Sephardi minhagim…” I faltered because he still made no reply. “So, uh, I heard that some poskim say one way and some say another and, uh, I was just wondering which nusach I should daven?”

He frowned and looked away from me.

Now, instead of feeling mildly confused or a bit taken aback like a normal person might, I felt devastated—because this is my sore spot. I’m way too oversensitive in this area.

At this point, my husband got up the guts to politely re-ask my question and the rav looked at him, frowned, and made this irritated motion with his hands and shoulders.

And my husband immediately raised his palms in surrender, “Okay, sorry, sorry! Never mind. Ah…” And my husband changed the subject.

When we got home, I burst into tears as I asked why the rabbi treated me so. My husband tried to make a joke out of it and quipped that apparently the rabbi wanted to rely on my husband.

“So why didn’t he SAY that?” I cried. "Why did he act like I don't even exist?"

My husband shrugged apologetically. He grew up in a traditional immigrant Moroccan neighborhood in Eretz Yisrael, where respect for people who learned Torah was sacrosanct and he couldn’t bring himself to speak about his rabbi any further.

To compound things (and I'm revealing this with my husband's consent), my husband’s father died very suddenly when my husband was a teenager, and he always missed the closeness they’d shared. So he instinctively sought a father figure in his rabbi.

And this rabbi could be very warm and friendly when they learned or spoke together, and such paternal warmth is what my husband understandably craved—but the rabbi could also be irritable and sharp and prone to short bursts of frightening temper. (I saw it once and it froze me speechless—and all because his wife brought the wrong coffee. Cripes.)

What I didn’t know at the time was that this rabbi has a lion-like temper (which was why my husband got nervous when the rabbi got irritable and why my husband was hesitant to push the rabbi to answer the innocent—and very simple!—shaila).

And as I also saw several times, this rabbi can be very friendly and warm toward people, then treat them with disdain or hostility. (And he did this to me, sometimes acting like I didn’t exist as he did above, or being really nice and then with a paternal smile, plunge his verbal dagger into my nefesh.)

Eventually, we drifted off from him and much to his credit, my husband eventually managed to overcome the very understandable desire for some kind of father figure.

In other words, despite his hasmadah in learning and the tremendous intellectual knowledge he possessed, this rabbi's Torah learning remained stuck in his head only and never managed to fully flow down to his heart.

You could definitely see the influence of Torah on him, but there was still a lot missing.

And some people are like that.

Derech Eretz Kadma L'Torah

For whatever the reason, some people learn tremendous amounts of Torah (sort of like academics like to learn their own weighty tomes and philosophies), but such people never manage to actually INTERNALIZE the Torah they learn. (Or they only internalize a very small percentage of the vast amount of Torah they’ve learned.)

Of course, we’re all flawed and even someone who learns Torah for years can still exhibit flawed middot at times.

Only Hashem is perfect.

But this rabbi's extreme behavior exhibited itself regularly.

And we need to use caution when choosing a rav. Just because someone has a lot of Torah-learning in his background doesn’t mean he is a Torah personality.

For example, when a regular frum Jew asked Rav Avigdor Miller how to deal with a learned rabbi’s lack of derech eretz, Rav Avigdor DIDN’T say, “Gevald! Why aren’t you giving him the benefit of the doubt? Who are you, a lowly regular Yid, to judge such a big talmid chacham?!”

No.

Rav Avigdor knew that rabbis can lack derech eretz. So he recommended that the regular Jew write the rabbi a polite anonymous letter.

Here’s the original Q&A:

Q:
Is it permissible to rebuke a talmid chochom or Rav who doesn’t greet me with a seiver panim yafos and even ignores me when I greet him?
A:
Can you rebuke somebody who is more learned than you, if he has a certain fault?
Yes.
But what you should do is write him an anonymous letter. A polite anonymous letter.
That’s the best way.
And I’ll tell you, that this is a method which, if used properly, can be a very big toi’eles, a very big help, in other situations as well.

TAPE # E-244 (August 2000)

How Can We Know which Rabbi to Follow?

In Going Home…to Yerushalayim, a commenter asks how can we know who to listen to and who not?

It’s an excellent and vitally important question.

So first of all, it’s important to pray for this.

Both Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender (Words of Faith) and Rav Michel Dorfman recommended saying “Utaknenu b’aitzah tovah milfanecha” (said in Maariv and Bedtime Shema) with as much kavanah as you can regarding this issue.

Another thing: If you learn halacha and mussar, it helps a lot in recognizing who you should listen to.

Then you can see whether the rabbi behaves more or less according to, say, Orchot Tzaddikim or not.

In the above example, I’d already learned a bit about the Torah ways of derech eretz and treating people with courtesy and compassion—even if those people aren’t really cool hotshots like yourself [sarc].

So the rabbi's very obvious lack of derech eretz (which I saw on several occasions) combined with the fact that he obviously knew how to behave with derech eretz (as he did so when he wanted to at other times) could have told me that he wasn’t the real deal.

And regarding his bizarre flares of rage?

Well, I’d already learned that Shlomo Hamelech declared in Mishlei that anger rests in the bosom of fools.

And I’d already learned that the Gemara states that anger is like worshiping an idol.

And here’s the Rambam’s Yad Hachazakah, Chapter2, Halacha 3:

“Anger is also an exceptionally bad quality. It is fitting and proper that one move away from it and adopt the opposite extreme.”

So when I saw the rabbi erupt into bursts of short but very intense anger (over nonsense), I could have realized he wasn’t the real deal.

It was confusing at the time because in those days, there was tremendous pressure on baalei teshuvah to find a rav (any rav!) and many stories showcased how blind obedience to a rav reaped a satisfyingly happy ending.

There are also many stories showing rabbis acting oddly and later revealing profound and legitimate reasons for such behavior.

But they were tzaddikim with ruach hakodesh—which is very different than the vast majority of rabbis who most certainly do NOT possess ruach hakodesh or tzidkus. So you needn’t assume your rabbi’s unhalachic behavior is the result of profound holiness.

Anyway, I thought the problem was me and that if I only had enough emunat chachamim, everything would be fine.

(But things didn’t work out and I learned a big lesson: Intellect is NOT the same as wisdom. And we shouldn’t place our emuna on a “walking encyclopedia,” but only on a real true chacham.)

So it’s not easy and it takes some time, but that’s one way to go.

The following pertains specifically to gedolei hador, but it's still good general advice.

This is what Rav Avigdor Miller suggests in Recognizing a Gadol Hador:

See who other gedolim are calling a gadol.
Do great rabbanim from outside his group consider him a gadol?

Courtesy, Not Crony

By the way, we can and certainly should respect all people for the good middot and authentic Torah knowledge they DO possess. Some people are experts on the halachos of tevilat keilim or lashon hara, but lack sensitivity or expertise in other areas.

We should not start gossiping about a rabbi’s—or any person’s—bad traits unless there is a halachically mandated benefit in doing so.

We must always find a good point in every Jew—the more good points, the merrier.

However, on the subject of rabbis, you don’t need FOLLOW them if they aren’t up to par.

If their views conflict with those mentioned in STANDARD halacha and mussar, you DON’T need to follow them.

Yes, you treat them with same courtesy and respect as you do any human being.

But you don't need to follow them.

Their opinions and hashkafahs aren’t kodesh kedoshim—unless that rabbi truly embodies Torah haskafah.

So if they aren’t representing Torah truth (and long gray or white beards with impressive rabbinical attire and rabbinical degrees don’t AUTOMATICALLY determine their level of Torah truth), you don’t need to (and shouldn’t) follow them.

Frum media isn’t perfect either.

Please see:
Rav Avigdor Miller on the Yeshivah & the Sane Asylum

And this connects to what’s happening in both Eretz Yisrael & Chutz L’Aretz today:
Are the Reshaim Endangering Us?

P.S. This post started off with mentioning the problem of a sore oversensitive point. I want to continue discussing how to deal with any point of oversensitiveness. When ignored, it interferes with having a good life and good middot. So more on how to deal with that in an upcoming post…

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Part II: When Honesty Stops Being a Virtue

10/10/2018

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Back to Part I

I want to start off by reiterating that the Pele Yoetz was a very holy and knowledgeable Jew who chose to die of plague in order to spare his community of suffering that same plague. He strove for honesty and yosher in every aspect of life.

And as much as he felt the pain of his fellow Jews in whatever difficult interpersonal situation they found themselves, the Pele Yoetz maintained equal awareness that Olam Haba is a very real place, and that rising to the occasion by overcoming your bad middot earns you a goodly portion in Olam Haba while giving in to your lower instincts and emotions can land you in a lot of trouble with Heavenly Judgement.

With this in mind, much of the his advice flies in the face of what our secular-influenced culture tells us now. Yet you’ll see that the Pele Yoetz’s advice follows the actual halacha.

In other words:

The Pele Yoetz understands your pain.
The Pele Yoetz also understands that Hashem is behind the difficult situations.
The Pele Yoetz has an excellent idea of exactly how awful Gehinnom is and how marvelous Gan Eden is.
The Pele Yoetz VERY MUCH wants people to avoid Gehinnom.
So the Pele Yoetz tailors his advice to help people avoid Gehinnom in their Olam Haba because he feels that suffering Gehinnom in This World is more than enough.

Remember, the Pele Yoetz himself was willing to suffer the plague for several weeks and then die so that no one else would need to suffer the same fate (including those very difficult people who might actually deserve such a fate).

And this final point:
The Pele Yoetz focuses on your present and future behavior.

He barely focuses on external causes because despite your upbringing and many other factors, you still have the capacity to behave with good middot or you wouldn't be commanded to do so.

Needless to say, I struggle with the above as much as anyone else. Sometimes, I do my best to maintain my middot and succeed, but sometimes I fail. That's how it goes. I publish the Pele Yoetz's advice for myself as much as anyone else.

Secular modern psychology is atheistic, even if many psychologists aren’t actual atheists. So psychology focuses on the surface-level emotional well-being of the client rather than on the client’s soul and future well-being once the soul leaves the body.

Also, no therapist is going to be as mosser nefesh for you as the Pele Yoetz.

Your therapist will never take your Heavenly Punishment upon his- or herself like the Pele Yoetz did for his errant brethren.

So it's best to listen to him as much as we can.

Being "Real" -- for Real

Rav Avrohom Ehrman’s book Journey to Virtue notes that part of fulfilling the mitzvah of v’ahavta l’re’echa kamocha (love your neighbor as yourself) includes (but is not limited to):

Speak only in a positive manner about others.
Show the same degree of concern for their honor as you do your own.
Camouflage their deficiencies just as we would wish our own faults to be overlooked.

The above is admittedly VERY HARD to do with people who treat you badly.

Modern society accuses people of being "fake" or "in denial" or "Pollyanna" or "a stooge" when they do things like only speak positively of others or camouflage other people's deficiencies.

Yet that's only true when your INTENTION is to cover up for a bad guy who uses your cover to keep hurting others. It's true when prefer to disassociate and actually pretend nothing in wrong and continue neglecting yourself or others, or if you're trying to be a goody-two-shoes.

In Judaism, you don't pretend that bad is good. (That's chanifah -- totally forbidden.)

You simply emphasize the good.

However, when your intention is to remain well-aware, but commit to HASHEM'S value system and follow the above strictures with integrity, then that's being more REAL than anything else.

Remember, as elucidated in a past post, Judaism considers the whole truth told only when the positive is included.

Modern society is the exact opposite. Truth is only when the negative is included.

When Separation is Good

And of course, there are the little known halachot of keeping away from people who repeatedly sin, display bad middot, etc., so as not to be influenced or harmed by them.

The Pele Yoetz himself urges family members who cannot get along (i.e., adult children & their parents, children-in-law & parents-in-law) to refrain from spending much time together and even from sitting together at gatherings, if necessary.

This separation from impossibly difficult situations includes helping a very abused wife get divorced if she so desires, calling this divorce assistance “a very great mitzvah” -- meaning, you'll increase your reward in Olam Haba by helping her.

On the other hand, the Pele Yoetz emphasizes that such relationships are from Hashem. So therefore: Rising to the occasion accrues generous reward (though he doesn’t promise you’ll see that reward in this lifetime).

This was a very complex post to put together because the Pele Yoetz acknowledges both the awful reality of some people’s behavior together with the unknowable Divine Plan behind putting you together with such people.

And he discusses both the spiritual reasons along with the here-and-now reasons as motivation to rise to the occasion when dealing with difficult people.

But his MAIN FOCUS is on CORRECT BEHAVIOR. He openly acknowledges that correct behavior may not influence the difficult person to behave better. He says that it can, but it doesn't necessarily.

This approach is very different than the approach even many frum advisors use today, so it can take time to internalize the Pele Yoetz's message because it initially feels like sandpaper-rubbing rather than a loving caress.

So it’s all together and that makes it difficult to sum things up (especially on a computer screen where the eye naturally skims the information rather than reading it carefully—mine too).

The Pele Yoetz doesn’t mince words when describing people (“lowly and disgusting” “depraved” “bad character” “bad and difficult”) nor does he make excuses for the miserable behavior.

You don’t hear about anyone’s unfortunate upbringing or background or environment. Instead, he mostly attributes people’s flaws to the generation or to general factors (like old age), rather than to specific circumstances.

HOWEVER, he also very strongly encourages people to push themselves spiritually to be the best they can be—despite the weakness of the generation and the rampant ignorance in society, or any other factors (like old age, stressful situations, etc).

His Balkan Jewish society was interesting because while there weren’t secular Jews per se, there were very ignorant Jews. Some didn’t know how to read or know how to read Hebrew.

For example, he advises a man who doesn’t know Hebrew to go to a Sage before Yom Kippur to have the Hebrew Vidui (Confession) translated into the vernacular.

(We don't need to do that nowadays because we have Artscroll and Metzudah and the like. But the point is to understand each word of Vidui.)

At the same time, Sarajevo was the Torah center where the Pele Yoetz learned too, and Sarajevo produced many talmidei chachamim and tzaddikim. And then you had everyone in between those 2 extremes.

No More Blame Game

The Pele Yoetz speaks strongly about the need to overcome your lesser middot and behave in an exemplary manner while at the same time acknowledging how hard that can be. Sometimes, his expectations seem too high—yet he addresses this too by saying that if the Torah commanded it, then it cannot be impossible.

“The Sages spoke only of one whom the controversy pursues him. And he flees from it and the peace flees from him and he runs after it [i.e the peace]—THAT is called a ‘rodef shalom—a pursuer of peace’ and his deeds will be praised at the gates.”

Several times, the Pele Yoetz makes the point that being a rodef shalom—a pursuer of peace—implies behaving peacefully with truly difficult people. Else why do you need to pursue peace? If a person is lovely, then peace exists on its own—no need to go running after it.

So he definitely understands that some people are difficult and that maintaining your middot with them is very difficult.

How does that all connect with lashon hara?

Our most difficult and painful relationships are exactly what trip us up, spiritually speaking.

There is opportunity for great loss—or great gain, depending on our response.

Lashon hara for no halachically permissible reason entails spiritual loss.

Problems among family ties can trip off the most lashon hara.

So among our more intricate family relationships, the Pele Yoetz has a lot to say.

Below, you’ll see some of the advice he offers both spouses and in-laws.

Note: Coming from secular Western society, it’s quite a pop in the face. So be prepared…

General Advice for Relatives

The Pele Yoetz insists on exemplary behavior on the part of spouses and in-laws even toward a spouse or child/parent-in-law who is awful.

First, he reminds both husbands and wives:
Love of the soul is the most important love of all, so the spiritual goals for you & your spouse need to be foremost at all times.

He actually repeats this idea for husbands, wives, and parents throughout the book.

Ladies First: Advice for Wives

The Pele Yoetz says to wives:

It is difficult to offer general advice because not all people think alike.

Rather, based on the nature of her husband, a wife needs to conduct herself according to his character with grace and insightful understanding in order that their marriage should be successful in love and companionship.

Note: I wish EVERY person involved in ANY shalom bayis counseling would commit the above to memory and engrave it on their heart!

It IS difficult to offer general advice because NOT ALL PEOPLE THINK ALIKE. The Pele Yoetz encourages women to conduct themselves according to the nature of HER husband and HIS character—NOT according to whatever stereotypes your advisor has of men or according to your rebbetzin’s husband’s nature.

He stated this nearly 2 centuries ago, but who is listening?

Anyway the Pele Yoetz also advises wives:

"You should be sensitive to your husband’s honor whether he is a moral person or a sinner, whether praiseworthy or dishonorable, because he is to her as a decree from the King of the Universe. Hashem brings individuals together and matches them to each other."

"This is like a man whom the king desires to glorify and so appoints him as second to the king. The entire nation is obligated to act toward him with respect, even if he is a leper or a repulsive person."

Your reward will increase when your performance of your marital mitzvot demonstrate that you act for the sake of your Creator.

I want to focus on this for a moment because so much marital advice today, whether from secular psychology or shalom bayis “experts” focus on pleasing the other spouse and bending over backward to their will (and especially for women to do so).

Many give this advice despite the fact that pleasing and appeasing behavior never changes abusive people. Also, because most people with personality disorders FEAR intimacy, giving them more love not only doesn’t help but can even trigger MORE abusive behavior, depending.

But the Pele Yoetz doesn’t advise respectful behavior to improve shalom bayit (although he says that explaining to the person using soft words can help, which he bases on a verse from Mishlei--but no promises).

As indicated above, he clearly states that the reason for good treatment, whether for husbands or wives, is for Hashem’s Sake and for the sake of your Olam Haba.

Why?

Because, as the Pele Yoetz states, the whole point of relationships is to facilitate spiritual goals.

Even with marriage, the Pele Yoetz encourages a wife to look behind the curtain of her husband (“whether praiseworthy or dishonorable”) because that marriage (like EVERYTHING else in life) is a decree from the King of the Universe.

You honor your husband because doing so honors HASHEM and his decree.

This is just like the idea propagated throughout Judaism (including the Pele Yoetz) that you should be among the insulted who do not return a hurt with a hurt, which is an ideal Judaism also upholds outside of marriage.

Why?

Because the unpleasant incident or situation is from Hashem. Therefore, there is some benefit to it, like an atonement or middah-building exercise, or whatever.

Unlike modern-day shalom bayis advisers, the Pele Yoetz doesn’t focus on pleasing the husband nor does he start engage in exaggerated generalizations about men in an effort to blindside the wife into submission.

(Secular/non-Jewish therapist often do the same, including using their diagnosis of the husband suffering from a personality disorder or Aspergers or just needing unconditional love or whatever in order to manipulate the wife into co-dependence or submission.)

In fact, he doesn’t mince words. He acknowledges that some husbands are “dishonorable” and that a husband can be “harsh in character and opinions, a lowly and disgusting man who shares no good--ish kasheh b’middotav u’v’de’otav, nivzeh v’chadal ishim, chasar kol tov.”

(Nor does he quantify such behavior with allusions to an unfortunate background or dysfunctional upbringing of the aforesaid “lowly and disgusting man.”)

He wants a wife to rise above her natural inclinations in the face of such behavior—just as he encourages EVERY person (including the husbands of dysfunctional wives) to respond to ALL insulting or dishonorable behavior with dignity.

(Meaning, his mussar isn’t just for wives or even just for marriage, but a general principle applicable to all interpersonal dealings.)

At the same time, the Pele Yoetz encourages a wife to wait for a more relaxed moment and then “rebuke” her husband in a soft, sweet way by saying things like:
“Why did you do this-and-such? What is my sin and what is my transgression that you got worked up against me and got angry at me when I’ve done nothing to harm you? Is this good in the Eyes of Hashem?—and other good things.”

(Note: The language suggested by the Pele Yoetz was originally for early 19th-Century Sefardi Bulgarians and may need to be adjusted for modern English-speakers. They are just suggestions, after all.)

He also recommends pleading sweetly with an abusive husband in a more conducive moment, but he’s clear that these are only recommendations. He makes no guarantees that such words will reap the desired effect if the behind-the-scenes Heavenly decrees indicate otherwise.

A wife should pray for her husband.

Finally, he insists that:

Wives must use iron strength to refrain from revealing their husbands' failings and misdeeds to anyone.

(Again, the Pele Yoetz obviously understands how challenging this is, else why would he advise utilizing such strength in the face of such a nisayon?)

At the same time, the Pele Yoetz obviously heard from suffering wives he’s clearly aware of abusive behavior.

For example, in the case of physical abuse and insensitive behavior in the bedroom, the Pele Yoetz extols as a very big mitzvah to help such a wife, whether by Jewish officials beating the husband into submission or by assisting her in obtaining a divorce if she wants. (Interestingly, he offers neither option to husbands suffering from difficult or evil wives.)

How does this connect to lashon hara?

The Pele Yoetz shows heavy insistence against bad-mouthing your husband in any way, yet if it’s l’toelet (like she needs outside official help to protect her from an especially abusive husband), then obviously she can say something. Otherwise, how would the Pele Yoetz have known what was going on in her home or that a woman needed such help?

But whether the husband’s behavior is severe or just annoying, it’s clear that a lot of what passes for acceptable conversation nowadays is actually completely forbidden.

In actuality, no joking or kvetching about your husband is permissible, even when his behavior seems to justify complaint.

Finally, the Pele Yoetz advises an abused wife:

"She should also pour out her soul before Hashem every single day and perhaps Hashem will have mercy on her and her prayers will bring forth fruits."

Again, this doesn't rule out divorce from such a person or asking for intervention.

As the Pele Yoetz agitates against husbands who "may their name be obliterated" are "biliya'al (depraved)" and "treat Jewish women like maidservants (shifchot)":

"It is fitting for anyone who has the ability to chastise them [the abusive husbands] when possible. And if they have the ability to extract their wives from their hand when it's the desire of the wife--because a woman cannot dwell in the same place as a snake--it's a great mitzvah to save the oppressed from his oppressor."

Advice for Husbands

Likewise, the Pele Yoetz insists that husbands behave with exemplary middot toward even a difficult and wicked wife, all the more so toward a regular wife.

And again, he repeatedly emphasizes the importance of doing so for Hashem’s Sake.

And he holds the husband of a dysfunctional wife to much higher standards than he holds the wife of a dysfunctional husband.

“A difficult wife requires determination to behave toward her with peace and affection in honor of the Shechinah.”

If a man fails in the test of a difficult or evil wife, then you end up with 2 Gehinnoms: Suffering in This World because of your miserable marriage & suffering in the Next World because you failed your challenge (by responding in kind or indulging in escapist activities or whatever)

That’s pretty heavy, isn’t it?

The Pele Yoetz insists that in general, there’s an obligation of “mighty love--ahavah azah” between a husband and wife, repeating what’s written in Yevamot 62b, that a husband is obliged to love his wife as himself and to honor her more than himself.

He explains:

The obligation to be sensitive is cast upon you more than her as Baba Metzia 59a says: "A husband must always be cautious in regards to hurting his wife because since her tears are near, so is her pain.”

I know, I know.

This is in direct contrast to what’s taught in shalom bayis shiurim, which teach that the obligation of sensitivity is upon the wife.

The husband gets a free pass because "he’s a man" and "men aren't smart enough" and "can’t understand these things"—or so they claim.

This is why it is so important to turn to classic sources written by real tzaddikim and leave behind all the secular-influenced or Christian-influenced blather.

People who offer such advice come from despair; they’ve despaired of getting men to fulfill their halachic responsibilities—just like feminists have despaired of men.

So instead, they dump everything onto the wife. And looking at marriage and children today, it obviously isn’t helping. But their despair doesn’t let them think with an expanded mind.

Thank God we have our Sages to open our minds to the truth!

Anyway, the Pele Yoetz insists even if a wife:

intentionally burns his food
engages in certain transgressions (like lashon hara, anger, cursing, taking Hashem’s Name in vain, “similar things mentioned in Nashim and Nezikin”)
violates his will
is generally bad and difficult
lacks intelligence
spends too much money
angers him to his face
and so on,

--nonetheless, a husband should never:

become angry with his wife
shame her
curse her
strike her

Furthermore, the Pele Yoetz insists that a husband:

Always speak to his wife pleasantly
Use soft speech at all times with his wife (including when he's trying to convince her to correct her bad behavior)

Why?

A husband must bear the yoke and be among the insulted who do not insult and accept upon yourself the Judgment of Heaven with joy "because a woman is sent to man from God."

Again, the Pele Yoetz avoids being superficial about things.

He clearly realizes that some people are just plain bad apples, yet because these people are challenges sent by Hashem, we are supposed to rise to the occasion.

He cautions husbands several times that hating a bad or difficult wife can lead to producing a ben sorer u’moreh—the son of a hated wife, as mentioned in the Torah.

He exhorts men to genuinely love such wives to avoid producing rebellious children of bad nature.

To my mind, this a very high demand in light of the terrible middot mentioned above.

How can a man love the kind of sinful, vindictive wife mentioned above?

Again, the Pele Yoetz bases his advice on achieving the best Afterlife possible. The awful spouse is merely the conduit to achieve a blissful eternity:

“The fence to avoid quarreling in his home is to avoid being so exacting with each and every cent of household expenses.”

“He shall increase the honor of his home, each thing in its time, and appease his wife, because blessing only rests within his home for the sake of his wife.”

Though sympathetic to the challenges of a dysfunctional spouse (and even supports divorce for an abused woman), the Pele Yoetz reassures both suffering wives and suffering husbands that if they can maintain their own good middot (including refraining from lashon hara), then their Heavenly Reward will be tremendous.

Note: He provides a more advice & obligations for both husbands and wives than listed here.

Advice for Children-in-Law

The Pele Yoetz insists that a daughter-in-law should:

Be quick & careful to honor her husband’s parents (“as a king and queen”) even more than she honors her husband even if their “yoke” is heavy upon her and even if her parents-in-law are bothersome and possess bad character (“as is common among the elderly”).

Please note that the Pele Yoetz doesn’t say “even if she THINKS they are bothersome and have bad character,” but that they ARE bothersome and DO have bad character. Once again, he acknowledges that some people are indeed bad apples and doesn't dismiss the daughter-in-law's perception as mere tension common in that relationship.

She should strive to understand what they like and aim to please them.

At the same time, he recommends that if parents-in-law and children-in-law really can’t manage civility, they should not be together.

Again, the Pele Yoetz doesn’t get all sentimental about it all.

The reason for the above is because the merit of the parents aids the children. Meaning that performing the above actually helps the daughter-in-law. In a sense, she’s doing it for herself and her own children.

He reassures both children and children-in-law that in regard to honoring parents and parents-in-law, “one who honors others will be respected and his reward will be greatly increased and l’fum tzaara agrah”—one’s reward comes according to one’s exertion.

Interestingly, the Pele Yoetz states that:

The son-in-law is obligated to honor his wife’s parents.
The obligation for a son-in-law to honor his wife's parents is possibly even greater than the obligation to honor his own parents because due to his wife’s parents, he merits to be saved from sin and establish his lineage (presumably due to having married the daughter they produced).
He must not be ungrateful to them.
He must act as a son to them.

Regarding adult children and their own parents, the Pele Yoetz recommends:

Avoid financial dependence on parents whom it is difficult to honor.

For Parents-in-Law

“If it happens that the wife of the son is a bad and difficult woman--ishah ra’ah kashat ruach,” it is your responsibility to “bear her yoke and guide her with pleasantness and not to impose your burden upon her.”

(Again, the Pele Yoetz doesn’t say that you merely THINK your daughter-in-law is a bad and difficult woman—she actually IS genuinely horrible. Nonetheless…)

And if she behaves inappropriately, you should let her know (nicely) in private and not expose her awfulness (navlut) to others.

You should only praise her and treat her respectfully before others.

All the more so, you should not expose her awfulness to her husband (your son) so that resentment not enter his heart and he shall not come to hate her.

“Woe to them, the father and mother who cause this [their son’s hatred toward his wife]! For behold the Holy Name written in holiness, the Holy One Blessed Be He commanded to erase it in water to place peace between a man and his wife (Shabbat 116a)."

"And it is better for a father and mother to suffer a thousand evils and not facilitate controversy (machloket) between a man and his wife.”

“Therefore, the father and mother need great intelligence to behave with good behavior with the sons and the daughters-in-law in order for their marriage to go forth nicely in peace and straightness.”

“And even if there are some displeasures or grudges, they [the parents] should be very careful not to let these things be known or seen by outsiders because it is a foolishness and a shame for both sides and causes lashon hara and gives them a bad reputation.”

He advises that in situations in which parents-in-law and children-in-law cannot behave peacefully and properly with each other, then:

The good and just--hatov v’hayashar” thing to do is avoid sitting together because “this separation is pleasant for them; it is their life--zo hee chayahem.”

Advice for Parents Still Raising Children

Finally, the Pele Yoetz also speaks against discussing your children negatively with others.

The Ben Ish Chai in Laws for Women goes as far as saying that a mother who complains to the father about the children is actually endangering them because if justified, her complaints against them can cause them to be punished from Shamayim.

He doesn’t condemn a beneficial discussion of how best to handle Junior’s difficult behavior, but he’s referring to the litany of teinos some parents pour forth toward their spouse.

Why "Getting It Off Your Chest" Ultimately Doesn't Help

Much of the above advice is anathema to Western mores. With the modern emphasis on standing up for yourself and your rights, being “honest” and “real” about everything, “being yourself,” and much more, the Pele Yoetz’s advice seems backwards and constraining.

Yet over the years, I cannot deny that all the people who publicize the faults of their spouses or in-laws (children or parents) receive no good from this and don’t even experience real relief.

It’s hard for me to say this, but this includes those who really suffer (as the Pele Yoetz acknowledged above) and whose complaints leak out due to their immense pain.

I’m really sympathetic to those whose pain leaks out because living with a horrible spouse infects your very being and every aspect of life.

Particularly for women, who are likened to the Moon which receives light from the Sun (i.e. her husband), a woman whose husband maltreats or neglects her genuinely feels like a cold dead rock suspended in a dark airless Universe.

A woman in such a situation will find it very difficult to keep it all in and only pour out her heart to Hashem (as the Pele Yoetz encourages her to do) but not to other people (unless there’s a toelet, like to get divorced, as the Pele Yoetz notes).

One woman I knew married to an emotionally abusive man even became suicidal at one point—despite frequently leaking out her pain and resentment to others, despite therapy and despite consultation with rabbis. All the outpourings and/or comments never helped.

Whether it’s via humorous jabs or sad comments or even tearful admissions, I’ve seen that it really doesn’t help and any relief is only temporary. (Though relief isn’t guaranteed because sometimes the listener responds in a way the speaker finds hurtful.)

Like I've said before, my initial heart's reaction is to listen and empathize with the other. But I can't help seeing that all the intended support and empathy doesn't seem to offer more than temporary relief. However, when there has been something practical that I could do, then things ended up better.

So there's a difference between pouring your heart out when it can't help you (but maybe it feels like it helps you) and pouring your heart out when it can.

I'm not demonizing anyone for doing it -- believe me, I understand what emotional pain is like -- I'm just saying there is a way to do it that's beneficial and a way that is not.

Well, not me saying it, but the Pele Yoetz.

I'll be following up this last bit in another post.

So to sum up:

Painful relationships are challenges from Hashem.
Countering painful relationships with good middot earns you amazing Heavenly reward.
Countering painful relationships with bad middot earns you Gehinnom in both This World & the Next
Lashon hara offers temporary relief (if that), but no more.
Lashon hara without toelet (even when justified) can make things worse for you, both in This World and the Next.
We acknowledge the very real pain of painful relationships, but we don't use that as an excuse to transgress.
Your good behavior can (maybe) influence the other positively.
Your good behavior sometimes still can't influence the other to behave better or see the good in you.
Act for Hashem's Sake, not for the sake of the other person's ego desires and dysfunction.
"It is difficult to offer general advice because not all people think alike."

Back to Part I

May this post be considered a kaparah for my own falls into lashon hara and may we all be protected from any sins of the tongue.

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Who is a Real Rodef Shalom?

5/10/2018

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In the Pele Yoetz, Rav Eliezer Papo stresses that the whole point of being a rodef shalom (a pursuer of peace) is davka with people who don't want to behave peaceably with you.

And he repeatedly reassures the reader that responding with good middot to difficult people reaps loads of Heavenly Reward.

As he writes in the chapter entitled Peace/Shalom:

The Sages spoke only of one whom the controversy pursues him.

And he flees from it and the peace flees from him and he runs after it [i.e the peace]—specifically this is what's called a "rodef shalom—a pursuer of peace" -- and his deeds will be praised at the gates.

In another section, the Pele Yoetz points out that it is no challenge to respond peaceably to people who are pleasant and refined.

No need to race off in hot pursuit of peace with lovely people!

Instead, being a rodef shalom is davka with people who are difficult. That's the mitzvah. You need to run after peace when peace starts acting like an escaped fugitive.

Note: Needless to say, this does not apply to terrorists and the like of whom the Gemara says, "He who comes to kill you, rise early and kill him [first]."

He also explains throughout the book that if it is impossible to maintain civility around a certain person, then best to avoid that person.

That's right -- peace doesn't always mean being all lovey-dovey. It depends on the dynamics of a situation. Sometimes peace means to embrace the other and sometimes it means to avoid him or her.

Either way, the challenge of difficult people is implied in the actual mitzvah.

You're not a rodef shalom when it comes easy.

You're only a rodef shalom when the shalom is hard to come by.

May we all succeed in living in peace with our brothers and sisters.

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How to Read Tehillim according to Your Individual Needs

12/9/2018

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Kavanah for the Different Words of Tehillim

In the Pele Yoetz's chapter on Rosh Hashanah, he provides recommendations for reading Tehillim:

Every place that mentions enemies (oyavim), haters (sonim), oppressors (tzarim), etc., you should have in mind the Heavenly prosecutors (mekatrigim), who are are the true enemies: enemies of our souls.
Every place that mentions misfortune (tzarah), distress (tzukah), etc., you should have in mind your own personal distress
Every place that mentions "life," you should have in mind 2 things:

1) Your spiritual existence:

that you should be alive
that you should feel the love of God all your days
that you should feel the fear of God all your days

2) Your physical existence:

you should want to live in order to serve your Creator
you should not be the cause of any anger or grief for Hashem or the Shechinah
you should complete the rectification (tikkun) of your body, spirit, and soul.

If it helps to know, the Malbim defines the above words as follows:

Oyev (enemy) – Hidden enemy, one who hates in his heart and wishes one evil
Soneh (hater) – Hates without wishing one evil
Tzar (oppressor) – He actively torments
Metzukah, tzukah (distress) – Emotional, internal troubles and suffering
Tzarot, tzarah (misfortune) – Outer troubles, troubles that come upon a person

In addition to the above kavanot, the Pele Yoetz encourages you to keep in mind that there are deep secrets in the words of Tehillim, so your intent should also be according to the intent of David Hamelech.

As the Pele Yoetz explains [Vol. II, pg. 289]:

When a person says Tehillim with humility, from the depths of his heart and his intention is for the desires of Heaven, the words are ancient, words of the living God that were said by the holy Divinely inspired mouth of David Hamelech, whose merit should protect us. They will certainly bear "fruit" and he will thus find his redemption, and he will be written the Book of Good Life, which refers to the life of the soul.

How to Read Tehillim according to Your Individual Ability

The Pele Yoetz repeats the well-known recommendation to read all of Tehillim twice because there are 150 chapters of Psalms and 150+150=300, which is the numeric equivalent of kaper (atone).

He recommends doing this over Rosh Hashanah (read all of Tehillim each day for those 2 days), but I've heard others recommend doing this over the 10 Days of Teshuvah, which comes out to a book day. (Tehillim is split up into 5 books containing around 30-40 chapters each.)

While the Pele Yoetz lauds the recitation containing proper understanding of the meaning of the words, he adds that if one doesn't know the actual meaning, one should at least read them carefully letter by letter, word by word.

(I'm assuming there was no Bulgarian translation of Tehillim available at that time because he doesn't mention reading Tehillim in another language for those who can't understand the Hebrew, which is admittedly very hard Hebrew, harder than the Hebrew of Chumash. In Israel, they sell Tehillim with the modern Hebrew "translation" underneath each word because the syntax and vocabulary of Tehillim can be so challenging until you learn it well enough.)

Needless to say, translations of Tehillim exist in almost every language, so you can use that too.

I personally know of illiterate women who cannot even read the words. Instead, they place their finger on each word and look at it. And in this way, they can participate in saying Tehillim, even as they technically remain completely silent.

It's the heart and the intention that counts.

At the same time, the Pele Yoetz repeats a well-known statement of the Sages in Tur, Orach Chaim, Siman 1:
"A small amount with proper intent is better than a large amount without proper intent."
("Tov me'at b'kavanah m'harbot b'lo kavanah.")

So each person needs to know his or her own heart and capabilities.

And again, more than anything else, it's the heart that counts.

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Discover How Gratitude Activates Real Teshuvah

3/9/2018

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Rav Shalom Arush’s Garden of Gratitude fleshes out everything you need to know about the importance of gratitude, including how & why it works.

It’s a genuinely inspiring book, yet its impact is so powerful, I recommend reading Garden of Emuna first.

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel that had I read Garden of Gratitude before reading Garden of Emuna, it would’ve hit me too hard and I just wouldn’t have been able to absorb it properly.

Then there is the easily digestible Garden of Miracles: Say Thank You & See Salvation.

There, you’ll find letters and testimonies from around the world of people of different religious backgrounds, ethnicities, and nationalities who read Garden of Emuna, started expressing gratitude to Hashem, and discovered an expanded mind and heart, plus an improved life. Some of the stories are quite amazing.

Gratitude as Cheshbon Hanefesh

At first glance, it doesn’t seem logical that simply saying “Thank You, Hashem, for this and thank You, Hashem, for that” can not only reap miracles, but also effect self-transformation.

In fact, gratitude seems almost like a sneaky short-cut around doing real get-your-hands-dirty self-scrutiny and cheshbon hanefesh.

But looking at a mussar classic from nearly a thousand years ago, we find the Chovot Halevavot/Duties of the Heart details a 30-part cheshbon hanefesh that consists primarily of meditating on all the nice things Hashem has done for you.

(Seriously. Take a look at Shaar Cheshbon Hanefesh/Gate of Spiritual Accounting.)

For example, if you look at Cheshbon #2 in Chapter 3, it basically asks you to sit there and happily ruminate over all the body parts you enjoy and their functionality. (Do you have a tongue? Does it work? Great! How about your saliva production? Not too much, else you’d be drooling & not too little, else how would you ever swallow cinnamon-buttered toast?)

Chesbon #2 also references the symmetry of the human body.

For example, your elbows aren’t where your knees are and vice-versa. Your feet don’t extend from your shoulder joints and you don’t have hands where your feet should be.

In a world where each person endured the nisayon of randomly applied limbs, getting out of bed would be a major challenge. Meeting the most basic needs would consume our entire day every day. How would we ever progress beyond the most primitive tasks? Performing surgery or even “just” CPR would be impossible, as would any task that makes life more comfortable and convenient or produces great accomplishments.

Our intellect would suffer too because such a challenging life would leave us no time for intellectual pursuits or learning Torah. (How could we even scribe a Torah scroll or record chiddushim with an asymmetrical body?)

How Gratitude Creates Real Results

Okay, so what does all this grateful ruminating do for us?

When you know that everything really comes from Hashem and is good, that’s emuna and bitachon.

A grateful person is truly happy. Meaning, not hyper or frivolous, but content and feeling loved by the Creator.

A grateful person maintains constant connection to Hashem because in everything that happens, such a person immediately turns to Hashem, whether with praise or with a plea for help.

One who is grateful to Hashem doesn’t get depressed or detached. Such a person does not slip into sin. Feeling happy and fulfilled by his or her intimate relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu, what need does such a person have for taavot like food, drugs, illicit relationships, or violence?

Feeling happy and loved by Hashem, what urge does such a person have for revenge, hurting others, anger, depression, mockery, or wasting time?

Furthermore, such a person will naturally regret former forbidden behaviors because their state of gratitude and contentment is so compelling and fulfilling.

So such a person naturally regrets former forbidden actions and naturally wants to be good.

Furthermore, it’s easier for such a person to remedy and attempt to rectify past misdeeds.

Enveloped in bitachon (the certainty that everything that happens is good even if it’s not enjoyable), they know they have nothing to fear from admitting their mistakes, even if the other person is unforgiving and harsh. Since all money is from Hashem, they find it easier to pay back what they owe and make expensive amends.

One who truly believes that EVERYTHING is from Hashem holds no arrogance or pride. They just feel lucky and loved that Hashem gifted them whatever strong points or good fortune they enjoy.

Needless to say, I’m not on that level—but I sure would like to be!

Mashiach is Born from Gratitude

So that’s an overview of how gratitude works.

Our very name--Yehudi—comes from the word hoda’ah, l’hodot: to thank.

Upon Yehudah's birth, Leah Imeinu said, “ ‘Hapa’am odeh et Hashem—This time, I shall thank Hashem’ and she called his name Yehudah.”

Yehudah is the progenitor of Mashiach.

Leah, with all her suffering and loneliness, managed to wholeheartedly thank Hashem and thus merit the spark of Mashiach.

So gratitude to Hashem ignites the spark of Mashiach.

It’s there inside of us.

There might be a lot of darkness and muck to scrape through to get to it.

But it’s definitely there.

May we all merit basking in a state of continuous gratitude.

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How to Resist the Attraction of "New!" & Why You Really Should

27/8/2018

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Several years ago, I sat in a class given by Rebbetzin Heller in which she made the point that "New!" is a powerful tool to attract people to a certain movement or ideology.

And indeed, inserting the word "New!" is a proven method for prompting a blog post, video, or product to go viral. (Or at least, increase attention or sales.)

In fact, studies show that the 5 most persuasive words in the English language are:

You
Free
Because
Instantly
New

In Rebbe Nachman's arguably most famous story, The Lost Princess, the struggling hero comes across a spring of what seems to be wine.

Now, he'd seen wine before and he'd seen springs before, but he'd never seen a wine-spring.

Ooh, shiny! New! Intriguing!

As it says:

...and he saw a running spring, and its color was red and the smell was of wine. He asked the servant, "Have you seen? This is a spring, and there ought to be water in it, but its color is red and the smell is of wine!"

Our hero (who is actually us) is on a specific mission and he'd even received clear instructions NOT to drink any wine on this last day. He could eat and drink, just not wine.

But the main thing is to avoid sleep at all costs.

So our struggling hero (who is actually us) -- even though he KNEW to listen to the Princess's instructions and warnings because he'd already failed the year before by eating forbidden apples and falling asleep, and even though he KNEW this was just a distraction from his mission, nonetheless -- our struggling hero decides to make an intellectual, objective study of this unusual phenomenon (which has nothing to do with his urgent mission and is of absolutely no benefit to him or the world) and then:

And he went and tasted from the spring and fell and immediately slept for several years...

NOOOOO!

Alas.

As Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender explains in Leviat Chen:

...it's forbidden to become delayed and investigate, but one must hurry because [this part of the story] represents being forbidden to ask and desire and understand because it's impossible to in any way understand everything intellectually – one must only rely on emuna to do what needs to be done.

And here, on the last day, the Princess had commanded him to guard himself and so on. And if so, it was forbidden for him to ask and investigate the matter of the spring, but only to fulfill what was necessary and to go extract her.

For when we investigate a matter, we are possibly trying to explain it away as not being so horrible, and thus we don't completely negate it.

And in this way, we are liable to stumble.

This is so normal and common for people to do. (People struggling with, for example, overeating or drug addiction probably recognize the above pattern.)

So what does Rav Bender advise instead, based on the lessons of this story?

...to flee from the taavot as one flees from fire, without pondering over, marveling at, or inquiring into them at all.
And he shouldn't let his thoughts confound him at all.
...he should just turn his mind away from them completely and steer his mind to divrei Torah or business dealings or conversations and the like until he is rescued from what he wants to be rescued.
And one must be a person of unwavering determination [akshan gadol] until he comes out victorious in this war.

Keep Your Mitzvot Fresh & Lush

As always, Judaism insists on us rising above superficial understanding.

Does the above mean we should go through life as unthinking horses with blinders?

NO.

We can of course ask, desire, investigate, and seek to understand divrei kedushah, things connected with our soul-journey and spiritual work. It's a great mitzvah to delve into Torah and to stretch our minds to understand halacha and to understand what we need to do to achieve self-improvement and rectification.

We should contemplate the best way to help others according to THEIR needs, rather than our own.

We are supposed to develop strategies to avoid lashon hara and use complex thinking to find the good points in others.

We need to brainstorm and work out the best ways to keep our routine mitzvot (like davening and brachot) fresh and new.

But it needs to be focused investigation and seeking, not just indulging our curiosity about everything that comes across our path.

Discover Your Unique Path

In fact, Rebbe Nachman himself emphasized the importance of staying "young" on the inside, of approaching each new day and each new opportunity to do a mitzvah with enthusiasm -- as if it were literally "new."

He also spoke of taking less-traveled paths in avodat Hashem and this is also hinted at in the above story when our struggling hero spots "a path off to the side" and takes it, which fortuitously leads him to the Palace of the Not Good, where he finally finds the Princess for the first time.

Yet this path off to the side IS the avodat Hashem. It's part of one's tikkun (rectification) and the way to access it is only via hitbodedut -- talking to Hashem in your own words using your personal self-expression.

In other words, the path isn't "new," per se; it's unique.

Because Hashem created us all as unique individuals, no human being can have exactly the same relationship with Hashem as anyone else.

Your relationship with Him is unique to anyone else's relationship with Him.

The Old-New Tricks

Yet what does the Yetzer Hara use to reel us in?

"New!"
"Intriguing!"
"Ever tried this before?"
"The newest results of our most recent investigation!" ("Most recent" is just another way of saying "new.")
"Never before attempted!"
"Introducing..." (Implies that it's new because it needs to be "introduced.")
"Instantly!"
"Suddenly..." (It wasn't there a moment ago -- it's new!)
"Revolutionary!"
"Discover!" (You don't discover something already known, only something new.)

The entertainment industry reels us in this way, as does advertising. But so many science articles with all their intellectual grandstanding also reel us in this way too, as you likely recognized from the above examples, some version of which are commonly found in prestigious peer-reviewed science publications.

Barak Obama won his presidency pretty much based on "New!"

"Change" implies something new on the way and also the idea of "America's first black president!" implies something new, although it's a misleading moniker because he is white as much as he is black, being biracial.

But much of what is presented as "New!" is actually the same old stuff, just with a modern twist.

An Age-Old Insight

Our goal is how David Hamelech described tzaddikim millennia ago in Psalm 92:

עוֹד יְנוּבוּן בְּשֵׂיבָה; דְּשֵׁנִים וְרַעֲנַנִּים יִהְיוּ

They shall still bring forth fruit in old age, they shall be full of sap and fresh.

It's a bit hard to convey in the English, but the Hebrew brings forth imagery of lushness and fullness.

Picture a fruit-bearing tree that's eternally young and dripping with sap, its leaves lush and green with moisture, and bursting with juicy fruits.

That's our spiritual goal for ourselves.

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The Kav Hayashar's Prayer for Humility

26/8/2018

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Ga'avah (haughtiness, pride, arrogance) is one of the traits that distances us from Hashem more than any other.

And according to any mussar book, it's also one of the hardest traits to uproot.

So any steps we can take in the direction toward humility and away from gaavah are really good.

Gratitude toward God is one of the most effective ways to immediately & enjoyably deflate gaavah.

And the Kav Hayashar 7 Stanza 12 offers us inspiration and a prayer to improve in this all-important area:

עַל כֵּן צָרִיךְ הָאָדָם לְהִתְפַּלֵּל לִזְכּוֹת לְמִדָּה זוֹ, כְּמוֹ שֶׁכָּתַב הֶחָסִיד בַּסֵּפֶר "שַׁלְהֶבֶת", לוֹמַר אַחַר הַתְּפִלָּה קֹדֶם "יִהְיוּ לְרָצוֹן אִמְרֵי פִי": רִבּוֹנוֹ שֶׁל עוֹלָם, זַכֵּנִי לְמִדַּת עֲנָוָה וּלְמִדַּת הַכְנָעָה, כְּדֵי שֶׁאֶהְיֶה מְקֻבָּל וּמְרֻצֶּה לָעָם. וְאַחַר כָּךְ יֹאמַר: "יִהְיוּ לְרָצוֹן וְכוּ'". וּבֶאֱמֶת שֶׁצָּרִיךְ הָאָדָם לְהִתְגַּבֵּר בִּתְפִלָּתוֹ בִּבְכִי וְתַחֲנוּנִים לִפְנֵי הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא, שֶׁיָּסִיר מִמֶּנּוּ מִדַּת הַגַּאֲוָה וְיִדְבַּק בְּמִדַּת הָעֲנָוָה, כִּי הָרֹב בַּעֲלֵי גַּאֲוָה מֵתִים בַּחֲצִי יְמֵיהֶם. וְהָעִנְיָן, בַּעֲבוּר שֶׁזֶּהוּ בְּוַדַּאי כָּל הַמִּתְגָּאֶה הוּא שָׂנאוּי בְּעֵינֵי הַבְּרִיּוֹת, כִּי זֶה הוּא עִנְיָן רַע בְּעֵינֵיהֶם הַמִּנְהָג שֶׁל בַּעַל גַּאֲוָה, וּמַמְשִׁיךְ עָלָיו שִׂנְאַת הַבְּרִיּוֹת, וְעַל יְדֵי זֶה יָכוֹל לְהוֹצִיא אוֹתוֹ מִן הָעוֹלָם, וְגַם אִם עָלְתָה לוֹ תַּאֲוָתוֹ לִהְיוֹת רֹאשׁ הַקָּהָל אוֹ מוֹרֵה צֶדֶק לַעֲדָתוֹ, אַךְ בַּעֲבוּר גַּאֲוָתוֹ כֻּלָּם נֶחְשָׁבִים לְאַיִן כְּנֶגְדּוֹ, וּמְזַלְזֵל בִּכְבוֹד הַבְּרִיּוֹת, אֲשֶׁר גַּם זֶה הוּא סִבָּה לְקִצּוּר יָמָיו וּשְׁנוֹתָיו, רַחֲמָנָא לִצְלַן.

Therefore a person must pray that he merit this trait. The pious author of the sefer Shalheves (i.e., the Shlah) writes that at the end of the Amidah, before reciting, “May the words of my mouth be acceptable, etc.,” one should say this meditation:
“Master of the Universe, allow me to merit the traits of humility and contrition so that I will be acceptable and desirable to the people.” Afterwards, let him recite, “May the words, etc.”

In truth, a person should pray fervently to the Holy One Blessed Be He with tears and entreaties asking that He free him of arrogance and help him acquire humility.

For as a rule, arrogant people live out only half their years. The reason for this is that they are generally hated by others. This causes them to be removed from the world.

And even if such a person achieves his desire to become head of the community or rabbi of his congregation, his pride causes him to think of those under him as nothing and to belittle their honor. This is another factor in the shortening of his life span, may Heaven spare us.

So here is the short little prayer for humility below in downloadable images (in both Hebrew and English). For the Hebrew, feel free to change the verbs to feminine form if you're female, so that the Hebrew prayer would read:
Ribbono Shel Olam, zakeni l'middat anavah u'l'middat hachna'ah k'dei sheh aheyeh mekubelet u'mrutzah l'Am.

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Breaking Down Core Jewish Concepts

24/8/2018

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UPDATE: Upon re-reading this post, I realized it wasn't so clear, so I added more to it late Friday morning (Israel-time), along with correcting some typos. So what follows is the new & improved version...

I'm not Breslov, but I get concerned about how people write off core Jewish concepts as being "Breslov" and therefore considered non-obligatory or not even worth examining.

While I've only read parts of Rebbe Nachman's Likutei Moharan, I've still read a lot of Breslov writings (including parts of Likutei Moharan) and as a non-Breslover, I came to the following conclusion:

Rebbe Nachman basically detailed and fleshed out much of what was already written in previous mussar books and other guidance by Chazal.

He emphasized certain concepts and further elucidated them.

And that seems to be the Breslov tradition: Taking core concepts and breaking them down into more and more digestible bits according to the needs of that particular generation.

Breaking It Down

When embarking on real self-scrutiny for the first time via talking to Hashem, you really can get these intense "Uh-oh" moments about yourself, and much of what Rebbe Nachman says about this phenomenon is very reassuring and encouraging.

Again, he simply takes core Jewish concepts of how self-scrutiny and self-improvement work, the ups and downs, the deceptive pitfalls, then he details them AND how to deal with it all.

All sorts of ideas and principles seem less and less self-understood in each successive generation, so with each successive generation of Breslov, you have a couple of rabbis who break these core ideas and their previous break-downs into even smaller more digestible bites.

For example, a book like Outpouring of the Soul by Reb Alter Teplicker further condenses and elucidates the same concepts mentioned in Torah and Chazal, which were then condensed and expounded upon by Rebbe Nachman. So Outpouring of the Soul is yet another link on that chain.

I remember the first time I read Outpouring of the Soul and a powerful impulse to talk to Hashem welled up within me, but I didn't know what to do with it. I opened my mouth, but I felt like a massive wave of spiritual and emotional pain was behind whatever I would say and I instinctively closed my mouth and got distracted with something else. I didn't mean to, it just happened like that.

Yet I would occasionally go back to the book, feel inspired to speak to Hashem in the way described, but couldn't do it for some reason.

Years later, I read Garden of Emuna, and that changed everything for me. Rav Shalom Arush took the same concepts and both simplified and expanded on them in regular non-scholarly language, practically spoon-feeding them to those who, like me, needed that spoon-feeding.

His book explains the core Jewish concepts with which many struggle in great detail: why bad things happen to good people, why do I feel like I'm being punished for being frum, why do I feel like I'm being punished for doing the right thing, how can I relate to Hashem as Compassionate and Loving when such awful things happen in the world, how can it be reassuring to know that Hashem is behind even the bad stuff -- that's sounds even scarier, so what's up with that?

And so on.

Digestible Emuna

Rav Arush also offered a get-down-to-basics easy-to-follow structure for hitbodedut:

20 minutes of gratitude
20 minutes of self-scrutiny & confession
20 minutes of requests

The truth is, he pares things down even more by telling people to make a list of 20 things for which they're grateful when they feel too emotionally blocked to do anything else.

There's even a book that plucks out the "gems" of Garden of Emuna for a super quick reference.

I'll give you an example of how this chain of increasing elucidation works by using Gate of Joy in Orchot Tzaddikim, (pg. 177 & 213 in the Feldheim translation):

The trait of joy encompasses a positive commandment of acknowledging God's Justice in all that befalls one, as is written (Devarim 8:5): "And you shall know in your heart that just as a man chastises his son, so Hashem your God chastises you."

If after one repents, things do not go so well for him as they did before, it is a positive commandment for him to think in his heart that his adversity is for the good.

For before he repented, the Holy One Blessed Be He was rewarding him for the mitzvot he had done in order to bar him from the World to Come, as it is written (Devarim 7:10): "And He pays those that hate Him to his face to destroy him."

And corresponding to this treatment of those who hate Him, he pays those who love Him the punishment of their transgressions in This World so that they will be pure and clean for the Next World.

And all of this entails the trait of joy, one's being happy in the portion allotted him by the Blessed One.

***
Similarly, when one undergoes any affliction [yissurim], he should also rejoice as our Sages have said...(Taanit 8a) "All who rejoice in afflictions bring salvation to the world."

And one should accustom his mouth to say, "This too is for the good - gam zo l'tovah" (Taanis 21a).

As you can see, the above is exactly what Rav Shalom Arush continuously discusses. In fact, Garden of Emuna goes on at length about the phenomenon mentioned in Orchot Tzaddikim:

If after one repents, things do not go so well for him as they did before, it is a positive commandment for him to think in his heart that his adversity is for the good.

And Rav Arush's emphasis on thanking Hashem for the good as well as the bad, and its power to sweeten dinim?

It's blatantly stated in Orchot Tzaddikim, which derives it from the Gemara (Taanit 8a):

"All who rejoice in afflictions bring salvation to the world."

"Kol hasameach b'yissurim meivi yeshuah l'olam."

"כל המשמח ביסורים מביא ישועה לעולם"

And before that, the Chumash itself.

But because of all the influences and confusion and superficiality and lack of daat in our generation, we need things broken down and explained down to the nitty-gritty.

And if we're willing to accept this spoon-feeding rather than just ignoring it all and dismissing everything as "only for very great people" or "that applied to previous generations, not ours," then that's very good!

For example, the first excerpt above of Orchot Tzaddikim is pretty much all there is on that specific issue. He says what he says there, then goes on to another aspect of joy. Yet reading the above, I'd have some obstructive questions before I could act upon his directives.

Sure, I could've taken that excerpt and discuss it with Hashem to reveal answers to my questions, but I didn't have the presence of mind to realize even this.

So I'm no different than anyone else and without Garden of Emuna, I would not have been able to go back and understand the classic mussar texts.

In his lectures, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender did the same prior to Rav Arush.

Rav Ofer Erez also breaks down core ideas to a more digestible size.

So for me, that's what Breslov does for the non-Breslover.

It's just a way of them holding your hand as you make your way through the thorny, pitted path of teshuvah, self-improvement, and coming closer to Ribbono Shel Olam.

An online Hebrew-English version of Orchot Tzaddikim is available HERE.

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Is What Happened to the Ancient Egyptians Also Happening Now?

22/8/2018

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Recently, I came across a section in the Kav Hayashar that describes the 10 consequences that will happen to those who oppress the Jewish people, just as these 10 consequences happened to the ancient Egyptians who oppressed Am Yisrael.

Symbolized by the 10 pieces of chametz placed around the home the night before Pesach on Bedikat Chametz (they also symbolize the 10 Plagues), the Kav Hayashar explains the following in Chapter 89:

וְקַבָּלָה הִיא בְּיָדִי מִן רַבּוֹתַי, שֶׁהָיוּ מְצַוִּים לְהַנִּיחַ חָמֵץ בַּעֲשָׂרָה מְקוֹמוֹת, נֶגֶד עֲשָׂרָה מַכּוֹת שֶׁהֵבִיא הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא עַל הַמִּצְרִים, וּכְנֶגֶד עֲשָׂרָה דִּינִים שֶׁהַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא עָתִיד לְבַעֵר וּלְנַעֵר וְלִכְרוֹת וּלְהַמֵּם, לַהֲרֹס וְלַעֲקֹר וְלִנְתֹץ וְלִנְתשׁ וּלְכַלּוֹת וּלְקַעֲקֵעַ בֵּיצָתָם שֶׁל מְצֵרֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל

We have an oral tradition that our mentors used to order that leaven bread [chametz] be left in ten places. This corresponds to the ten plagues that the Holy One Blessed Be He brought upon the Egyptians as well as the ten judgments with which He will one day punish those who oppressed Israel. That is, He will 1) eradicate them, 2) shake them out, 3) cut them off, 4) confound them, 5) destroy them, 6) uproot them, 7) shatter them, 8) abandon them, 9) finish them off and 10) uproot their tessticles.

[Note: The translation for #10 is as found on Sefaria, which I believe originates with the original Metzuda text. But many thanks to an astute reader who enlightened me that this term commonly means just "to totally uproot" -- meaning, "to totally uproot their roots." The example given was Rashi on Beresheis 32:26 HERE. -- MR]

It occurred to me these judgments seem to be happening now.

True, we're not seeing them in full, but perhaps we are seeing the beginning of this process.

Our enemies, though they also attack us, mostly fight each other, eradicating each other. They're uprooting each other and shaking each other out, so to speak.

Earthquakes (a definite form of shaking) have been occurring all over, but it can't be denied they've also happened in places that contain they who oppose Israel, whether for religious reasons or political (Leftist) reasons.

And in fact, the above list strikes those who oppose the core VALUES of Yisrael, whether they politically support the State of Israel or not. And many places stricken by the above definitely reject Torah values.

Furthermore, with gender-change surgeries on the rise, we are certainly seeing a rise in the literal uprooting of the male part.

And the people who opt for these radical surgeries are people who oppose Torah values with all their might, with leaders bent on coercing the rest of society to think like them.

"Confound them" -- society is certainly becoming more and more confounded, isn't it?

Shocking things happen and no one on either side quite knows how to respond.

Just as one of many examples, President Trump's rapid ascendancy certainly confounded a great many Leftists to the point that we've seen the rise in something coined "Trump Derangement Syndrome."

And look at how many people are on psychotropic medication, especially children.

Drinking has been a problem for decades, but now there's also what's called an "opium epidemic."

People feel they can't manage life on their own.

Suicide is up among youth in America, one of the world's best places to live.

It all fits the above, except that instead of getting hit by a storm of hail, locusts, or frogs, people are doing it to themselves. (Although yes, the wildfires and volcanoes and earthquakes aren't being caused by humans.)

While those on the political right in support of traditional values (some of whom are also Jew-haters and despise our pure monotheism) view the above as a type of persecution (as I do) and a war on traditional values, I'm starting to wonder whether maybe it's not so much an attack on us, but Heavenly Judgement being carried out against them.

True, we're affected by their meshugas, but it seems like they're actually suffering more, even if they don't realize it. Or even if they misidentify the source of their suffering.

For example, those suffering from gender confusion point to society's nonacceptance of their dysphoria as the source of their suffering, but the truth is that the source of their suffering is their own dysphoria and their unwillingness to take an honest look at what really needs to be healed.

At least we have the Torah. We have Hashem. We have emuna.

What do they have?

Nothing.

As things start shaking up, confounding, uprooting, shattering, abandoning, destroying, we have the unbreakable Cord of Emuna on which to grasp tight.

They have nothing.

And this Cord of Emuna is available to anyone who wants to grasp on to it.

Anyone. You just have to grab it.

Ashreinu! Mah tov chelkeinu!

May Hashem bring the Geula in a sweet way.

Note: Sorry for the inconvenience, but my filter is inconsistent and some words can get me blocked from my own blog page and I won't be able to respond to your comments. So if you could use coded language or misspelled words (as I did above), that would be best. Sorry again.

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The Message of Your Mood: What is Your Soul Telling You?

20/8/2018

1 Comment

In Chapter 71, the Kav Hayashar explains how, despite claims to the contrary, Hashem still speaks to us today.

It's much more subtle and it's filtered through our neshamah, which we sense with our nefesh (the seat of our emotions):

וְגַם צָרִיךְ לְהוֹדִיעַ: בְּעוֹד הָאָדָם בְּחַיִּים חַיּוּתוֹ, אָז הַנְּשָׁמָה מְעוֹרֶרֶת אֶת לִבּוֹ שֶׁל אָדָם לִדְבַר ה', כִּי זֶה קַבָּלָה הִיא בְּיָדִי מִסְּפָרִים קַדְמוֹנִים

It has also been passed down to us through the writings and texts of earlier generations that even while a person is still alive, his neshamah arouses his heart regarding the word of Hashem.

A Good Mood

Then the Kav Hayashar offers an interesting insight into what our moods might be telling us. He starts off by explaining the hint of a good mood:

כִּי בְּכָל עֵת שֶׁיָּבוֹא פִּתְאֹם מַחֲשָׁבָה טוֹבָה בְּלֵב שֶׁל אָדָם, מַחֲשָׁבָה שֶׁל שִׂמְחָה וְאַהֲבָה לְדִבְרֵי תּוֹרָה אוֹ מִצְוָה, אֲזַי תֵּדַע שֶׁאָז הוּא עֵת רָצוֹן שֶׁתִּהְיֶה מִתְפַּלֵּל. וְזוֹ הַתְּפִלָּה דְּבוּקָה תֵּכֶף בְּהֵיכַל מֶלֶךְ מַלְכֵי הַמְּלָכִים הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא

You should know that whenever a good thought suddenly enters a person’s heart — such as joy over or love of words of Torah or a commandment — it is a favorable time for prayer.

The prayer that one utters at that time will immediately enter the palace of the King of the kings of kings, the Holy One Blessed is He.

A Bad Mood

And the message of a bad mood?:

וּבַאֲשֶׁר שֶׁיֵּשׁ לִפְעָמִים עֵת וּזְמַן, שֶׁנַּפְשׁוֹ שֶׁל אָדָם עֲגוּמָה עָלָיו, קָרוֹב הַדָּבָר שֶׁיֵּשׁ אֵיזֶה גְּזֵרָה רָעָה חַס וְשָׁלוֹם עַל הָאָדָם אוֹ עַל קְרוֹבָיו, אוֹ גְּזֵרָה רָעָה עַל כָּל הָעוֹלָם, כִּי עַל פִּי רֹב כְּרוּזִים יוֹצְאִים וּמְעוֹרְרִין לְבָבוֹת הָאָדָם, כִּי הַלֵּב יוֹדֵעַ מָרַת נַפְשׁוֹ, אַף שֶׁבְּאָזְנָיו לֹא שָׁמַע. וְעַל כֵּן אִם יִתְעַצֵּל הָאָדָם וְלֹא יִתְפַּלֵּל תֵּכֶף, אֲזַי הַגְּזֵרָה מְמַשְׁמֶשֶׁת וּבָאָה

And if on occasion, a person experiences a moment or period that his soul is filled with melancholy, it is very likely that some evil decree has been issued against him, Heaven forbid, or upon a member of his family or upon the entire world.

In most cases when decrees are issued, heralds are then dispatched to arouse people’s hearts. For a person’s heart knows the bitterness of his soul, even if he does not hear anything with his ears.

Therefore, if a person is slothful and fails to pray immediately, the decree becomes a reality.

Occasionally, Not Chronically

Interestingly, he specifies that if a person experiences a melancholy moment or period on occasion -- sheh yesh lifa'amim, then that could likely be a "herald" dispatched to arouse people's hearts.

To me, this is an important emphasis because people who spend years in an embittered or depressed state tend to self-aggrandize. Some drift into a sort of paranoia or think that Hashem is punishing other people on their behalf when something bad happens in the world, they even feel gratified by this, chas v'shalom.

Certainly, those people should also turn to Hashem, preferably in search of gratitude, to heal their souls from their darkness.

But if a person experiences a nefesh agumah (a melancholy soul) occasionally, it could be a sign of marat nefesh (bitterness of soul) from a negative decree that only his heart senses, even though he doesn't "hear" the decree or perceive it with his other senses.

And in such a case:

עַל כֵּן יְזָרֵז הָאָדָם עַצְמוֹ וְיִתְפַּלֵּל לְהַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא בִּדְמָעוֹת כְּפִי כֹּחוֹ

For this reason let him arouse himself to the best of his ability to pray with tears before the Holy One Blessed Be He.

Prayer, Not Panic

Please note that he doesn't say to panic, fret, or start disasterizing when you experience the herald's call of a bad decree.

He just says that you should immediately start praying to Hashem.

And simply by doing that, you may nullify an evil decree.

May Hashem sweeten all decrees.

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Is That You Talkin' or a Bumble Bee Walkin'?

Derech Eretz Kadma L'Torah

How Can We Know which Rabbi to Follow?

Courtesy, Not Crony

Being "Real" -- for Real

When Separation is Good

No More Blame Game

General Advice for Relatives

Ladies First: Advice for Wives

Advice for Husbands

Advice for Children-in-Law

For Parents-in-Law

Advice for Parents Still Raising Children

Why "Getting It Off Your Chest" Ultimately Doesn't Help

Kavanah for the Different Words of Tehillim

How to Read Tehillim according to Your Individual Ability

Gratitude as Cheshbon Hanefesh

How Gratitude Creates Real Results

Mashiach is Born from Gratitude

Keep Your Mitzvot Fresh & Lush

Discover Your Unique Path

The Old-New Tricks

An Age-Old Insight​

Breaking It Down

Digestible Emuna

A Good Mood

A Bad Mood

Occasionally, Not Chronically

Prayer, Not Panic

Myrtle Rising

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