Dancing at Weddings

At a wedding long ago, one of the guests was this adorable young woman sweetly dressed in a pink velvet top and a wide pink satin skirt that reached her ankles. She was petite with a strawberry blonde shaitel full of little curls down to her shoulders. She looked like the perfect doll come to life.
 
Imagine my shock when we started circle-dancing and she grabbed my hand, immediately yanking on my arm with a force that belied her delicate little stature. I immediately pulled away – but she actually hung on!

Then she let me go and as I stepped away from the dancing, the next woman joined hands unsuspectingly with the The Doll, only to immediately be yanked so hard she almost fell over. She looked at The Doll with the same shock I probably had on my face, and also stepped away, rubbing her shoulder. The pattern repeated itself and someone even said, “Ow! Stop – that hurts!”

The Doll responded by pursing her lips and furrowing her pert little nose.
Wimp! she clearly seemed to be thinking.

It ended with several of us standing there and staring at her in disbelief.

“C’mon! C’mon!” she barked, bouncing on her feet like a boxer up for the next round. “Let’s dance! C’mon!” Her lips rubbed against each other and her eyes lit up like the eyes of those who go to hockey games to see the blood bounce off the ice. Her little fists pounded her satin skirt as she looked at us. “Come on! What’s wrong with you guys? This is a wedding! Let’s dance!”

At that point, as if one, we drifted away to other circles of dancers.

As I looked back, her face was all pinched and glaring in a way that clearly said, Can’t take the heat, eh? What a bunch of wimps!

I wondered who'd had the guts to marry her.

A girl name Miriam loved to attend weddings because she loved to dance for the kallah – something she did with infectious joy and energy. When other girls complimented her dancing, she always answered, “Thanks! B’ezras Hashem, I’ll dance at your wedding, too – may it be soon!”
 
When I mentioned to a mutual friend how much I admired Miriam’s dancing, the friend said, “Sure! And you should have seen how she used to rip up the clubs with her dancing!”
 
“Really?” I said (neither of us realizing at the time that now we were entering the realm of lashon hara).
 
“Sure! She used to go clubbing all the time and dance for hours! She was also really into rap music.”
 
“But that’s so weird,” I said. “Because her dancing is totally tzanuah. She doesn’t throw in any of those provocative moves. She just seems totally happy for the kallah.”
 
“Yes,” said the friend. “Because she’s done true teshuvah. She’s a real example to follow.”

A distant cousin of my husband’s whom I’d never met before danced at our wedding non-stop and with a serious sense of purpose and dedication. When I thanked her later and told her how much it meant to me, she looked surprised and said, “Of course! It’s a big mitzvah to dance at a wedding.”
 
I found out later she was known to be a conscientious, serious, trustworthy type.

Another time, I watched as two newly married women danced for a kallah. One looked unsmiling off to the side, her movements half-hearted and robotic; she seemed not to want to be there and didn't care who knew it - including the kallah. In contrast, her partner gazed warmly into the eyes of the kallah with a quiet smile, her steps gentle and light.
 
Socializing with them later revealed that the first was very unhappy. (Understandably, she was feeling very lonely as a newlywed far away from her family and old friends.) And the second was warm, kind, and engaging (and trying very hard to help the first newlywed not feel so lonely). So this may not have reflected the first newlywed's true essence, but merely the state she was in at that time.

And even outside of weddings, a dancer’s personality still peeps out. At an old age home, I watched as one young woman pranced lightly among the residents, singing softly and pleasantly while clapping her hands gently. I didn't realize at the time she was divorced (her shaitel was very realistic) and the light that shone from her soul belied the traumatic year she spent in an emotionally abusive marriage. (As I got to know her, I discovered an exceptionally special young woman who remarried a really wonderful and sweet bachur not long after.)
 
The old folks mostly slouched in their chairs, staring at nothing, with only a few blessed with enough good health to clap and sway in rhythm. The young woman’s face glowed with gentle joy and caring. Another dancing girl kept stared blankly off to the side as she clapped her hands and bounced around, singing by rote. Then she grabbed the hands of an elderly woman hunched almost face down over a desk and started swinging the woman’s stiff arms back and forth. The elderly lady made a choking sound, then started emitting warbles of pain: “Ahhhahh – ahhahh – aaaaagh!”
 
But the girl didn't stop.
 
Shocked, I put my hand on the girl’s arm and whispered, “Wait, I don’t think she likes that much.”
 
Startled, the girl’s eyes widened as her head jerked around to look at me. Then she gave me a disgruntled frown and shook me off, moving away while looking at me as if I had done something indecent. I was certain it was just a defensive reaction; after all, she must have been embarrassed to be shown how she was accidentally hurting this arthritic old lady. I thought that was the end of it until I saw her back with the same woman, the elderly lady’s stiff body rocking back and forth helplessly as the same girl swung the lady’s arms from side to side, accompanied by the elderly lady’s painful warbles.
 
Without thinking, I rushed over to the girl and said, “Stop! Can’t you see you’re hurting her?!”
 
The girl looked at me in startled disgust, raised her chin, and gave a disdainful sniff as she danced as far away from me as possible.
 
She seemed so sure of herself, I started wondering whether I’d misinterpreted the elderly lady’s sounds. Perhaps the elderly lady was trying to sing along and I mistakenly thought she was in unbearable agony?
 
I leaned over to see if the lady was okay. She lay with her stiff arms stretched out across her desk, breathing hard, and still gasping and groaning a little. Her eyes were wide and frantic-looking. Biting my lip, I asked her if she was okay. She stared at me a moment as if to say, Do you really need to ask? and rolled her eyes.
 
Oddly, that same girl appeared very different in class. She sat staring off into space the entire time, leaning to the side in a way that made me wonder if she was drugged. If directly addressed, she looked startled, straightened up for the time it took her to answer, then immediately flopped over and went back to staring at nothing. She seemed quiet and unhappy, and my initial impression of her was of a nice girl for whom I felt sorry. But her dancing persona gave me a totally different insight.
 
(Although to be fair, popular medications like Prozac can cause its user to become insensitive and even obnoxious to others. Even Tylenol studies recently proved that acetaminophen lowers a person's  empathy. So perhaps the disdainful dancer I saw was not the real her, but merely how she was on medication. Maybe.)

The explanation behind Tu B’Av opened my eyes to the fact that you certainly can see a lot in a person’s dancing. There are basic middot, like a need to dominate or a sense of purpose or insensitivity or someone who just goes through the motions. And then there are personality types – all good, but still different: lively and bursting with simchat chaim or gentle and sweet or serious and committed.
 
And that’s just to name a few.

• So a boy looking for an energetic girl who embraces a life of mitzvot with gusto might choose a girl like Miriam.
• But a boy who prefers a girl who’s gentle and sensitive might choose the second baton-dancer or the young divorcee.
• Yet another boy who’s looking for girl who marches through life with heartfelt seriousness and a strong sense of purpose might choose my husband’s distant cousin.

(And in case you were wondering, The Doll and the girl at the old age home were just 2 out of only 3 times I ever saw such aggressive behavior while dancing. Phew!)

When talking to Hashem a couple of weeks ago, I was trying to reconcile my dislikes about my home. Certain things were really bothering me and had been bothering me for years.

But then He reminded me that He didn't even have a home.

His House had been destroyed.

And while I don't like how shabby or cracked my home has gotten, and I don't like a lot of my furniture (a lot of it I had little or no choice in because of circumstances beyond my control, so it's not my taste or what I find comfortable to live with, AND much of it is no longer in good condition), and I'm feeling frustrated and helpless about certain aspects of it, He pointed out that I don't have confused people led by harridans who hate me and even deny my existence, yet who label themselves the representatives of my home, and charge into my home, shoving aside the people who really love me while chanting offensive slogans and imposing a bad influence on my family by encouraging them to do things they shouldn't.

He pointed out that I don't have pigeons nesting in my walls and casting their droppings on the heads of my children.

He noted that I have more than one wall standing - unlike His House.

Foxes and other small animals do not scurry across my floors. (Well, not usually anyway.)

And He also pointed out that I don't have Yismaelite urchins treating the holiest part of my home and the most sanctified place on Earth like an abandoned soccer field, nor do I have a mosque in the most important part of my house (with all the noise and crowds that entails).

After mulling this over, I said, "You're right, Hashem. You win. I have no right to complain about my home's flaws when Your House is in ruins. Furthermore, if You don't have a House, then how is it at all fair that I have one? And even more Kind and Selfless of You, Ruler of the Universe, is that You've granted my home electricity and indoor plumbing. You're spoiling me with an entire apartment and modern amenities while You make do with just one Wall."

May Hashem's House be speedily rebuilt in our days.

Here's wishing everyone an easy Tisha B'Av fast.

May Mashiach come now in a sweet way and may we never experience anymore sorrow.

Israeli potato salad graces my mother-in-law's table every Shabbat and chag, and it appears frequently on mine too.

It's a colorful, pretty, and flavorful potato salad. It's also versatile as you can customize it to your taste by omitting or increasing any of the ingredients, and it will still turn out good.

Here's the recipe:

Ingredients

• 2 fist-sized potatoes (or one giant potato cut in half for quicker cooking)
• 1 small to medium carrot (depending on how much you like carrots)
• 1 egg
• 1/4 cup peas (fresh or frozen is best, but canned is okay too)
• 1 pickle
• mayonnaise (however much you like)
• salt
• white or black pepper

Prep

• Peel carrots and potatoes, then boil them with the egg until soft enough to cut and eat with pleasure, yet not too mushy.

(This takes around 30 minutes.)

*You can dice the pickle during this time.

• If using frozen or fresh peas, you can either add them to the boiling carrots, potatoes, and egg, or you can pour boiling water over them and let them sit covered for at least 15 minutes, depending on how you like your peas.
• When ready, pour everything into a strainer.
• Let the carrots, potatoes, egg, and peas sit until cool enough to handle comfortably.
• Dice everything into cubes. (They need not be perfect cubes; just however you like your cooked veggies. You can also slice everything or cut them into chunks.)
• Dump everything (the carrots, potatoes, egg, and pickle) into a bowl.
• Add however much mayonnaise, salt, and pepper you all like.
• Mix it all together.
• Transfer to a storage container and/or serving bowl.

And there you have it: Israeli potato salad.

Betayavon!

To save/download a shortened version of this recipe (i.e. without all the little tips), please right-click the image below, then click "Save Image As" and save it to your desired folder.

NEW!
Here is an amazing & inspiring post from Shuvu Banim:
The Correct Mindset Going into Purim
The section called "Purim Reveals the Real You" is particularly enlightening. It's a great idea on how to make the most of Purim, which seems like a minor holiday, but in reality, Purim possesses tremendous light and spiritual power. May we all receive its benefit!

A Lesson of the Kli Yakar from Megillat Esther
The Kli Yakar on Parshat Titzaveh goes into a whole thing about what we can learn regarding the angels' reaction to King Achashverosh's appalling blasphemy of eating and drinking from the vessels of the Beit Hamikdash while wearing the garments of the High Priest.
Please see How to Avoid being a Pathological Pollyanna. Then scroll down a little over halfway until you get to The Mountain of Sludge and start reading from there.

Joy and Light: A Purim Dictionary
On Purim, we especially emphasize joy and light.
One popular Purim melody (sung also in the weekly Havdalah) and taken from Megillat Esther 16:8 is:
לַיְּהוּדִים הָיְתָה אוֹרָה וְשִׂמְחָה וְשָׂשׂן וִיקָר
"Layehudim hayta ora v'simcha v'sasson viy'kar."
"For the Jews, there was light and joy, gladness and honor."
(Hebrew courtesy of Chabad's wonderful online source: The Complete Jewish Bible)

Throughout his commentary on Tanach, the Malbim provides definitions for all different types of words.

• Ever wondered about the difference between "sasson" and "simcha"?
• Or the difference between "ohr" and "noga"?
• Or maybe you have a name that has always been defined as "joy" (like Aliza or Rina or Asher) or "light" (like Ora or Hila), and you'd like to know exactly what kind of joy or light it means?

Take a look at the Purim Dictionary to find out!
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*Purim is an auspicious day for bonding with Hashem and asking for whatever you wish. So don't forget to inundate God with your requests!

Wishing everyone a Purim full of tremendous light and joy!

Seeing as Rosh Chodesh Adar (the first day of the Hebrew month of Adar) is on the horizon, I thought it might be interesting to look at the importance of the Moon.

The Moon plays a major role in Judaism, from determining months and holidays to its necessity for the mitzvah of Birkat Halevanah (Blessing of the Moon).

The Moon also contains profound spiritual and kabbalistic significance.

But in this post, we'll focus on just the bare scientific necessity for the Moon.

What would our world be like without the Moon?

Monstrous Tidal Waves
Everyone knows that the Moon affects tides. The Sun does, too, but to a lesser extent. The reason why the Earth bulges out at the equator is due to its pull on the Earth. This lunar pull also keeps the oceans in check. If the Moon suddenly disappeared, the oceans would flood into every continent, completely changing the map of the world. In fact, the movement of the newly liberated oceans to meet each other would cause 59-foot (the height of a 6-story building) tsunamis all over pushed from behind by the force of the entire ocean.

Every morning, Jews say the blessing "Baruch...rokah ha'aretz al hamayim -- Blessed be...Who spreads the land over the water" to show appreciation for the fact that the water usually stops at the seashore. (Well, that's one of the meanings of the blessing, anyway.) A major reason why it doesn't encroach further is because of the reining-in effect of the Moon as described above.

Heat Loss
Without the Moon, the ocean currents would slow down or stop, preventing the transfer of heat around the world.

The Earth as a Drunken Dreidel
The Moon has a stabilizing effect on the Earth. As the Earth spins on its axis, it spins at a tilt that wavers between 22-25 degrees.

Without the Moon, the Earth would swing around like a drunken dreidel, veering from zero degrees (no tilt at all, standing straight up) to an 85-degrees tilt (lying on its side, which would chill the upper hemisphere and shine the Sun directly on the South Pole and presumably cause some major warming and melting down there).

Good-Bye Seasons
Due to the crazy wobble described above, seasons would just come and go randomly. Antarctica would sometimes be the frozen wasteland we know today and other times be as hot as the tropics. Hot areas of the world would sometimes freeze and cold areas would sometimes bake.

Rotation on Steroids
Without the Moon, the Earth would spin much faster. The Moon acts as a gentle restraint on the Earth (perhaps yet another reason why the Moon is likened to a woman in Jewish allegories and Hebrew grammar). If the Earth spun faster, this would shorten the days to 6-12 hours, which would increase our calendar year to 1000 days. It would also increase the strength of hurricanes, making Category 5 storms the norm.

Of course, there are other results you likely thought of: darker nights, the absence of eclipses, nearly non-existent tides, no asteroid blocker to protect Earth, and so on.

Our Sages often emphasize that the Torah is a blueprint for the world. Before Hashem created our world, He created the Torah, then structured the world accordingly.

As you can see from the above, without the Moon, not only would we face the challenge of physical survival, but we wouldn't be able to keep many aspects of the Torah relating to time.

Of course, the monster tidal waves wouldn't occur if the Moon never existed, but only if it suddenly disappeared. However, a steady tilt, predictable seasons, and the present calendar could never have developed without the Moon. (Not to mention how difficult life would be under such conditions.)

So whether we're grateful that Hashem created a Moon (at the perfect size and the perfect distance!) or we're grateful that Hashem allows us to keep the Moon, may you enjoy a very good month and rejoice in the fact that we even have such a thing as a month!

Chodesh Tov! May this Adar see the Redemption in a sweet way.

Upon checking the dry government storm tracker (National Hurricane Center) on Wednesday, I noticed a system forming right over southern Florida and the Caribbean again.

Every 12 hours, it was jumping. At first it had a 20% chance of developing into a full-fledged tropical storm or hurricane in the next 5 days, then that chance rose to  40%. With its counterclockwise rotation, steepening pressure and wind speed, things didn't look good. Right before Yom Kippur, the chance of a major storm developing within the next two days rose to over 50%.

But when I checked it Sunday morning after Yom Kippur, the chance of cyclone formation had dropped to...zero percent.

You can see it here: Atlantic 5-Day Geographical Tropical Weather Outlook

At present condition, there is suddenly no chance of a storm; not in the next two days and not in the next 5 days.

The weeks I spent in southern Florida showed me that it is an awful place to live and even after some intense questioning of Floridians, I still have no idea why pioneers moved there nor why anyone chooses to live there now. The weather, services, and culture are among the most unpleasant I've ever encountered...the Jewish community being the happy exception. Whether they were secular or frum or anything in between, almost all the Jews I met were extremely likeable.

And Southern Florida hosts one of the more significant frum populations in America, meaning that quite a few people were steeped in tefillah and teshuvah during that critical time.

Did their Yom Kippur tefillot sweeten the churning din winding up above their heads?

I like to think that yes, their tefillot and teshuvah dissipated this potential storm.

Prayer works, even if we don't see it.
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Note: There is something big building up off the Western coast of Mexico.
And it's currently moving northward.
Please see Eastern North Pacific 5-Day Graphical Tropical Weather Outlook.

Hebrew contains a lot of different words for sin, joy, light, serenity, and much more.

And despite the excellent English translations that abound, it's hard to encapsulate what a Hebrew word really means within its English equivalent.

On Yom Kippur, we say Vidui (The Jewish Confession) to God.

But do we know what we're really saying?

Whether we say chatiti, aviti, u'peshati in Hebrew or I've erred, I've sinned, and I've transgressed...do we really know what we're saying?

By taking a look at the Malbim on Neviim & Ketubim (Prophets & Writings), you can find the true definitions of thousands of words.

I haven't found the Malbim's definitions of all the words to Vidui. But I thought I'd share the ones I have found up until now.

For most, I didn't note the original source of the definition in my notes. But the one or two I did note are cited below if you want to look it up for yourself.

(Because the words appeared in Neviim & Ketuvim in a different tense than they appear in Vidui, I've included the original root word found within the Malbim's commentary in order to be true to the Malbim's definition.)

If you'd also like a PDF version to print out, please press the blue button:

Chatati –  חטאתי
 חוטא (choteh) – accidental sinner, pulled by his desires
 
Aviti – עויתי
עוון (avohn) – sin from corrupted thinking
עיוה (ivah) – more severe than the other synonyms for sin, includes confusion and madness, one confuses the bodily kochot (pressures) with the derech hayashar (straight path)
 
Pashati – פשעתי
פשע  (pesha) – rebellion performed with the powers of intellect and insight

____________
 
אשמנו
אשם (asham) – one who is chayav (legally deserving of) punishment for his sins
 
העוינו
עיוה (ivah) – more severe than the other synonyms for sin, includes confusion and madness, one confuses the bodily kochot (pressures) with the derech hayashar (straight path)

והרשענו
 רשע (rasha) – sins intentionally against Man and God
 
זדנו
 זד (zed) – The zed is one who disagrees over the ways of wisdom and over the truth with protestations and inferences and plots to transgress it with repugnance (shiat nefesh), and it is the opposite of the modest one (tzanuah) who covers his face degrees within degrees and knows the "fluff" of his value like “and Moshe covered his face.” (Malbim, Mussar Chachma, Mishlei 11:2)
 
 זדון (zadon) – He who opposes Hashem and the ways of Torah b’mezid and publicly, as is written: “And the man who will do b’zadon against Hashem—he is the reviler (megadef)”, and if it’s accompanied by excess pride, he makes fun of wisdom and chachamim, as is written: “the arrogant zed--letz is his name”...the zed creates schemes to commit evil against his fellow. (Malbim, Mishlei 11:2)
 
טפלנו שקר
שקר (sheker) – its truth can be clarified immediately
 
כיזבנו
כזב (kazav) – its truth can be clarified only later
 
לצנו
לץ (letz) – inactive, doesn’t do any evil, but doesn’t do any good, either. Just pursues wind and nothingness and frivolousness and jokes; doesn’t involve himself with Torah
 
ניאצנו
ניאץ (ni’atz) – degrades and scorns something
 
עווינו
עוון (avohn) – a sin from corrupted thinking
 
פשענו
פשע  (pesha) – rebellion performed with the powers of intellect and insight
 
צררנו
צורר (tzorer) – active enemy (as opposed to one who just hates you in his heart)
 
רשענו
רשע (rasha) – sins intentionally against Man and God
 
שיחתנו
 משחית (mashchit) – wants to destroy for no reason

It's always weird to apologize on a blog. You don't even know the vast majority of your readers.
But just the same, I am sorry if anything I wrote here hurt you in some way. My intention is always to build and not to destroy, but sometimes good intentions just aren't enough and hurtful messages come out anyway.
So I hope that you, whoever you are wherever you are, will take this as a personal apology.
And thanks for reading and thanks also to all who've left comments.
I really appreciate your readership and your thoughts.

May we all have a sweet year!
________________________
Some articles that can contribute to having a meaningful Rosh Hashanah:
14 Ways to Sweeten Dinim
Dr. Ballen's Really Helpful SWAP Tool

Yael [not her real name] grew up next door to my husband, both in Morocco and in Eretz Yisrael. Several years older than him, she remembered things from Morocco that he couldn’t as a baby.

We spent Shabbat in her villa with her family in a pastoral area of Eretz Yisrael and she’s full of joy and vitality. She and her husband celebrate Saturday night Melaveh Malka with singing, tambourines, and bongo drums.

She described the good relations Jews enjoyed with their Muslim neighbors.
But when the Jews chased out the antisemitic British and established a country of their own, the Arab propaganda machine started up against all Jews everywhere.

Like other Moroccan Jews I've met, Yael emphasized that crimes against Moroccan Jews were committed by Muslim strangers, and not by the Muslims they knew and lived with (unlike in Europe, where pogroms and Nazi collaboration were carried out by non-Jewish "friends" and  neighbors). And she also stressed Moroccan Jewry's unwavering belief that Morocco's royal family opposed the antisemitic outbreaks, but couldn't always stop the riled-up masses.

Here, I’ll tell the story in Yael’s own words as best I remember:

And that’s where she ended it. It was clear from her face and the hand she clutched over her heart as she spoke that even fifty years later, the trauma was still raw.

(I know, I know…it makes you want to storm over to Morocco and shout: GIVE THAT LITTLE JEWISH GIRL HER COAT BACK!)

No one died, no one was even bruised or even cursed, but there’s something about these very human stories that tear at your heart.

The happy postscript is that Yael remained frum after arriving to the poor, dysfunctional immigrant neighborhood in Eretz Yisrael (a lucky fact she attributes to her father's beautiful singing and the general music in the home, plus her brother’s ability to bring some of the yeshivah atmosphere and enthusiasm home from the yeshivah which he later attended). She earned a college degree and married a cheerful man who also likes music.

But the beginning of the marriage saw no children. After 4 years of infertility, the Lubavitcher Rebbe came to Yael’s husband in a dream and promised them a son within a year.

And so it was. Within a year, their first son was born followed by a daughter three years later, and then no more.

Interestingly, neither Yael nor her husband shared any connection with Lubavitcher Chassidus or the Lubavitcher Rebbe other than the general esteem in which Yael and her husband held all tzaddikim. The Lubavitcher Rebbe's appearance occurred completely out of the blue.

When the dream’s message was fulfilled, Yael and her husband became Chabadnikim.

May all Jews everywhere merit to embrace all our chagim in peace.