Category: Chinuch

Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Chayei Sara: Sara's Tent as the Prototype for the Beit HaMikdash

22/11/2019

(B'ezrat Hashem, any limud or positive acts from this post should please go as a zechut for the complete & speedy recovery of Menachem Mendel Shlomo ben Chaya Rochel.)

In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah on Parshas Chayei Sarah 3 – Sanctuary of Sarah, we learn that Sara Imeinu's home was the greatest home in history.

Like the Kli Yakar, Rav Miller compares Sara Imeinu's home to the home of the Mikdash.

And her passing was like the Churban (Destruction).

Rav Miller states that the first Churban in Jewish history was actually Sara's passing.

While we tend to think of the Giving of the Torah as our Nation's monumental event (and it was indeed), Rav Miller explains that our founding Fathers & Mothers were the magnificent part of our history.

The Shechinah dwelt in their homes.

It's amazing. What was in the Kodesh Kadoshim (Holy of Holies) in the Beit Hamikdash was actually in the homes of our Avot & Imahot.

When they passed on, the Shechinah went into Exile.

What Were Avraham & Sara like as Chatan & Kallah?

Rav Miller describes what the beginning of the marriage must have been like.

Initially, Avraham Avinu was Sara Imeinu's teacher (they had a 10-year age difference & people married young back then), so he showed her all he had learned about his own observations of the world, observations that gained him tremendous TRUE knowledge because "he saw better than any professors will ever see."

And Sara Imeinu soaked it all in.

On page 5, Rav Miller describes what Sara's own study of the world must have been like.

Sara started off as the brilliant student of her husband, then she rose to great heights on her own, eventually achieving nevuah that surpassed even that of her holy husband.

A Truly Fun Home

On page 7, Rav Miller describes the great challenge of perceiving Sara Imeinu's home:

Now as much as I’m going to tell you, you must know that it is not going to approximate what the greatness of that house was.

I’m like an ant looking up at a tremendous mountain trying to describe what’s high up on the summit.

I’m not capable of fully understanding the greatness of Sarah’s tent.

It’s like a blind man speaking of the glory of the sunlight — we never saw it and we have no idea about the splendor that prevailed in that house.

Let's consider this for a moment.

Rav Miller acknowledges that we generally consider Avraham Avinu the builder of our Nation. He was the one out there doing things.

And indeed, he was a tzaddik beyond our imagination.

However, who built the Beit HaMikdash?

Sara Imeinu. In her tent.

When they slaughtered meat, they were like the Kohanim performing korbanot.

When they ate, it was like they were eating offerings from the mizbeyach.

Sara Imeinu's challot were the prototype of the Lechem Panim in the Beit HaMikdash.

Rav Miller goes on to say (pg. 8):

All their thoughts and all their deeds were devoted to the ideal that Hashem is in our house.

That’s what made it a beis hamikdash — the kedusha, the Awareness of Hashem, was so dense that it constantly impinged on their awareness in everything they did.

Now don’t think that a Jewish home is lacking cheer and fun.

Avraham and Sarah lived very happy lives. They had more fun in their home than we have – much more.

Why was Yishmael's Laughter So Bad?

And now we can understand the problem with Yishmael's laughter.

Rav Miller acknowledges what the mefarshim say about the symbolism of Yishmael's laughter.

But Rav Miller says that just the plain meaning, that Yishmael was laughing & jesting in such a holy home – the same as clowning around in the Beit HaMikdash on Yom Kippur – just the laughter on its own was absolutely appalling.

What's the Secret to Keeping House like Sara Imeinu?

Interestingly, despite the fact that Sara & Avraham were extremely wealthy with hundreds of servants, Sara Imeinu performed most of the housework herself.

And what's the secret to housekeeping like Sara Imeinu?

It's on page 11:

Every chore that people do in that house, if it’s a frum house and they do it l’shem Shamayim, that’s the ingredient – l’shem Shamayim, then they’re building something that’ll last forever.

Then Rav Miller says even more radical things (radical to our ears, anyway):

When a mother is putting clothing into the washer she’s thinking, “I want to maintain a frum Jewish house because Hakodosh Boruch Hu gave me this function. I don’t have to work in an office. I won't run for elections to be a city councilwoman – it’s a waste of my life. Right here is the place where I achieve.”

And children!

“The more children that I can have, the bigger the achievement.”

A woman like that is building a Beis Hamikdash – she is emulating the avodas Hashem that made Sarah into Sarah Imeinu.

Rav Miller acknowledges that the term "l'shem SHamayim" is bandied about so much nowadays that it has lost its meaning for us.

So he emphasizes that l'shem Shamayim means "with the awareness of Shamayim."

Everything Avraham Avinu & Sara Imeinu did, it was with this awareness.

People talk about "mindfulness" a lot nowadays, and an awareness of Shamayim is the real mindfulness we are supposed to cultivate.

The Old Treasure in the Home

On pages 12-13, Rav Miller goes into vivid detail of the baby-steps we can take to add to our lives more kavanah l'shem Shamayim.

He also mentions a pithy proverb from Gemara Erechim 19b:

"Saba b'veita – pacha b'beita."

"An old man in the house is a calamity in the house."

Retired men belong in kollel, says Rav Miller, not being a nuisance to his wife in the home all day.

It's such an interesting 2000-year-old observation because we see in our times how shalom bayit often disintegrates when a husband retires. So many women complain of a retired husband who spends his time nitpicking at how she runs the home, criticizing how things are organized, and kvetching.

Get thee to a kollel!

Then Rav Miller quotes the same Gemara:

"Savta b'veita – sima b'veita."

"An old woman in the house is a treasure in the house."

A man is a treasure in yeshivah.

A woman is a treasure in the home.

Rav Miller explains how women grow wiser as they grow older. They dispense wisdom & chessed.

Yes, I see in the Yerushalmi communities how dedicated older mothers are to their grandchildren & adult children.

For example, when a daughter gives birth before Pesach, Yerushalmi mothers invite the entire family (all those little darlings!) for the entire week of Pesach.

It is tremendous work to host small children and take care of a yoledet, all the more so over Pesach and often with their own children still at home and more guests coming. But they do it so willingly!

I really look up to them.

And their wisdom is a real treasure too.

My husband and I still turn to his mother for health remedies & advice, plus a little bit of dream interpretation. (Her own mother was a kosher dream interpreter in Morocco.)

Although sometimes, the dreams go a bit too far – like when my mother-in-law's long-dead brother came to her in a dream after yet another son was born to us and requested that we name this son after him because none of his secular children had done so.

So we did. It's hard to say no to the dead. Chessed shel emet and all that. Do the dead favors, even though they'll never be able to pay you back. It's a big mitzvah.

Anyway...

Among frum women in general, I've seen how grandmothers develop patience they lacked in their younger years.

I've seen how supportive & discreet & sensitive they are with their children struggling with their own children – struggles these older women didn't necessarily have to deal with in their child-rearing years, but have become all too common now.

Society considers older women crones and old-fashioned and no longer useful or beautiful.

But Judaism declares: sima – She's a treasure!

Reaching Back to the Original Nature & Nurture

On page 14, Rav Miller goes into a brief yet lovely exposition of Eishet Chayil (A Woman of Valor).

Ultimately, Avraham Avinu & Sara Imeinu are the prototype for us.

No matter what home we grew up in or what background we came from, our real nurturing comes from this first Jewish couple.

A convert is referred to as the son or daughter of Avraham Avinu & Sara Imeinu.

We need to stretch back further than our immediate family & background to reach it.

It's there, it's accessible, but we need to cultivate an awareness that it's possible.

Let's wrap up on Rav Miller's final note (pg. 15):

It’s beyond our sight; it towers beyond our range of vision how great we could become – but every person who begins the career of building a home has the right, the obligation, to build that home on the same foundation that Avraham and Sarah laid down for their home.

And that’s the foundation of the greatest possible loyalty to Hakodosh Boruch Hu and the greatest possible dedication to the ideal of making the very best home that they could make.

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What is the Message of Galut Yishmael?

12/11/2019

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An Eye-Opening Experience at an Israeli Men's Prison

Recently, my son was called upon to do some work at an Israeli men's prison.

A Muslim Arab fellow (we'll call him Achmed) worked with my son and Achmed was a bit apprehensive about working at a prison, even though it was a minimum security area (i.e., the prisoners aren't dangerous).

My son reassured Achmed that these prisoners were not violent criminals, that they were in prison for non-violent crimes, and he had nothing to fear.

There was a pause as Achmed tried to think of what these people could have possibly done that earned them a prison sentence for a NON-violent crime.

(In Achmed's world of the Palestinian Authority, white-collar criminals presumably can buy their way out of a prison sentence & sx offenders either aren't persecuted – because what they did isn't considered wrong in their society – or they manage to buy or intimidate their way out...or they're executed. It depends.)

Finally, Achmed asked my son if these non-violent prisoners have been locked up due to same-gender hanky-panky.

He couldn't think of anything else to fit the circumstances.

My son burst out laughing.

"We don't imprison people for that!" he said.

Achmed was shocked to hear that. He was even more shocked to learn that such activity isn't remotely illegal in the Medinah, let alone punishable in any way.

Insularity can be Fun!

So it was a funny story.

And it is also a very telling one.

It is also intriguing how some Arabs living their entire lives in Israel remain clueless about the basics of Israeli society & laws, including basic halachah, and they never even learn Hebrew despite the similarities between Hebrew & Arabic, making it an easy language for Arabic-speakers to learn.

Even if they're more secular, they still live relatively insular lives.

And they PREFER living relatively insular lives.

They like their culture.

Here's a sharp story related to that...

Tsniut Saves from Death

Yad L'Achim regularly hosts events in which a woman they rescued tells her story.

One woman, the daughter of a Jewish mother & a Muslim father, was married off in her teens to a Muslim in the village of her paternal grandfather, who was also the local sheikh.

Yad L'Achim helped her escape & make a new life for herself.

She became totally frum & married a good Jewish man.

But remember: The Muslim world considers her Muslim. And her escape from her Muslim husband is a terrible dishonor to him and to their clan. (Not to mention, leaving Islam is itself an executable crime, technically speaking, even if it's not always enforced.)

Anyway, long after her teshuvah & Jewish marriage, she was walking down the street one day (maybe Geula, Yerushalayim?) and dressed in full tsniut-mode: long skirt & sleeves, hair fully covered with a nice scarf, etc.

Suddenly, an Arab man stepped out in front of her, blocking her way & glaring at her.

It was one of the cousins from her ex-husband's village.

She was terrified he might kill her on the spot.

(Though that sounds melodramatic, it was actually a realistic possibility, given his value system & his ability to hide or be hidden among the alleys & other fellows working there, OR if he was caught, he could always rely on Israel's revolving doors of "justice" for Yishmaelim.)

Instead, he just stood scowling at her & looking her over.

Finally, he said something like, "I really should kill you for what you did. But as long as you're going to keep the family honor by dressing modestly, I guess we can let you go."

Then he left.

She explained to us that due to their insular lifestyle, her Muslim family members really have no clue that Judaism commands modesty for Jewish women (and men too, actually).

The Arabs mostly see secular Jewish woman who give no thought to tsniut (dressing & behaving with dignity).

So when this Arab cousin saw that she dressed modestly & even covered her hair (like Muslim girls & women do), he could only assume that she was doing so out of respect for the values of the Arab side of her family.

Without knowing Jewish Law, he could only assume that her intentions were to "keep the "family honor."

(And yeah, it's weird because he was in a place like Geula where you see modest Jewish women everywhere. But for some reason, it just did not compute with him. He thought whatever he thought. And baruch Hashem for that! Otherwise, she may not have lived to tell the tale...)

A Combined Message from Galut Yishmael within Galut Edom

But let's ponder this for a minute:

THIS is the Galut (Exile) that Hashem put us in.

Yes, Galut Yishmael applies more to Eretz Yisrael, but the Western countries (especially Europe) are also increasingly experiencing Galut Yishmael.

And look at how Yishmael is:
Unapologetically insulated.

They often keep their names. (There isn't even an Anglicized form of names, like Yassar needing to be called Jassar, like there is with Hebrew names. And I don't mean for ease of pronunciation, like "Mohammed" instead of "Mochammed." I mean, if you say Yechezkel instead of Ezekiel, no one will know who you mean. I haven't heard such an equivalent done with Muslim names.)

They keep their style of dress (more or less).

They keep their language (even when they could learn Hebrew so easily & it would help them so much to know Hebrew well).

They cling to their beliefs without apology or appeasement. (They may fudge things a bit, like redefine the meaning of Jihad with a false watered-down definition, but mostly they simply insist that Sharia law is just & compassionate & better, and that they aren't all terrorists – which is mostly true – or that what you consider terrorism isn't actually terrorism, and that if you think badly about Sharia or the way individuals practice Sharia, then you are an Islamophobic racist bigot who is persecuting them, and you'd better shut up.)

They have neither tolerance nor respect for atheism or polytheism.

And whether their values & laws are actually correct or not, they hold on to them unapologetically.

Having said all that, yes, they want a lift in their material lifestyle.

They want to enjoy the material comforts of the West. So they head West.

And while they're living on welfare in Europe or North America, they not only hold on to their own values, but unapologetically insist that others not only respect their values & beliefs, but even adopt them too.

(A British Jewish friend related how a Nigerian Muslim woman stood outside a British mall, boldly calling on everyone to dress more modestly. Let's see a religious Jewish woman try something like that! Even her fellow frum Jews would censure her and feel embarrassed by her.)

Look at how Yishmaelite weekend-schools in England have no problem teaching children how to cut off the hands of thieves without killing them – including detailed diagrams of the anatomy of the human arm, wrist, and hand to show how to carry out this procedure.

(And they also teach other stuff many Westerners find disturbing.)

And look at how British authorities minced around the whole thing!

Compare that to the British handling of frum schools for simply refusing to teach anti-Torah values.

In the Yishmaelite weekend-schools, you have the active instruction of how to carry out brutal punishments & executions for crimes (including acts that are not considered crimes by your average Brit).

And the Yishmaelites are unrepentant. You don't like it? Then YOU are the one who's wrong. That's their attitude. They don't go groveling or trying to smooth things over.

But for simply NOT teaching a secular value, the Jews get skewered?

Seriously?

Anything good & just in British law comes from Jewish Law.

Western countries originally based their laws on their religion, which derives any of its positive values from Judaism.

Yet it's against that same Judaism they turn.

(Interestingly, the Ofsted [The Office for Standards in Education, Children's Services and Skills] that minced around what to do with the Yishmaelite curriculum was the same Ofsted that downgraded a Jewish school for hosting separate classes for boys & girls. I didn't realize gender-segregated education was such a problem for British authorities. After all, Eton still doesn't accept girls & there are still no boys at the Cheltenham Ladies College. Am I missing something?)

Here's Part of the Message...

Certainly, much of the above is a generalization and does not apply to every single Muslim.

There are certainly exceptions to everything written above.

But in general, the attitude of Yishmael today is as described above.

And it's actually how we're supposed to be with OUR own pure Torah value system of TRUE justice & compassion, as defined by Hashem Himself.

WE are supposed to insulate ourselves within our own holy Torah value system.

WE are supposed to dress, speak, act, and look like Jews – and do so with quiet dignity & without apology or embarrassment.

WE are supposed to dismiss the pop psychology & teach our children according to the purity & beauty of Torah Law.

Look at what Hashem is shoving in our face all the time.

There is definitely something He wants us to glean from Galut Yishmael. (Actually, there are a few things. This post addresses only part of the message.)

Will we get the message?

And even more importantly, will we be able to act on it?

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Rav Miller on Parshat Va'etchanan with Wonderful Advice on Transforming Your Home & Family

16/8/2019

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In Parshas Va’eschanan – Sanctuary of the Jewish Home, Rav Miller discusses a question I think many of us have wondered about: Why was Moshe Rabbeinu so resistant against going on to the Next World?

After all, Moshe Rabbeinu was the epitome of emuna.

He knew Hashem was guiding everything in the Universe.

He knew that death is nothing to fear.

He knew he had a wonderful Paradise beyond comprehension waiting for him.

Also, Moshe Rabbeinu achieved more than any other human being ever had.

So why didn't he go peacefully?

Why did he daven 515 tefillot and with such intensity, he shook up the Universe?

The short answer is that Moshe Rabbeinu loved us very much and also wanted to perfect himself even more.

The long answer is in the dvar Torah itself.

Personal Royalty

At this point Rav Miller emphasizes each home is basically an empire in which each father is a king and each mother is a queen.

And he delves into all the responsibility that entails, which is admittedly a bit intimidating.

He paints the great example of Rav Channa's house of chessed, as described in the Gemara. It sounds very difficult to dedicate the entire home to chessed in the way Rav Channa did, but Rav Miller explains that Rav Channa and his wife did it in a way that made each other and their children happy.

And that's definitely food for thought.

Yet Rav Miller acknowledges that the vast majority of us can't be like Rav Channa.

So what can we do?

We can take steps to fill our home with kedushah, with mitzvot...with Hashem.

And we do this one step at a time, elevating the routine mitzvot:

You have to train yourself and your family to think, “Right now, we’re doing the mitzvah of washing the hands; Hashem commanded us to obey the chachamim.”

You’re making the house kadosh by doing that.

Developing a real love and appreciation for mitzvot is the way to transform your home.

When you feel that way inside, you project it out to your family.

Here are some ways of looking at yourselves:

That element should be introduced in the building of Jewish home as much as possible.

“Our home is a makom kadosh,” you tell your family. We must accustom ourselves to this thought:

A Jewish house is a holy house. The same Shechina that came down on Har Sinai is in every Jewish home – it’s not a mashal.

Where else would Hakodosh Boruch Hu come if not in the place where constantly His word is obeyed?

Milchigeh dishes, fleishigeh dishes, pareve dishes, everything is done k’halacha. Shabbos, kashrus, everything!

***

A child wants to eat something, so he asks, “Am I still fleishig? Can I get ice cream yet?”

“No, not yet.”

The child watches the clock.

A little boy is watching the clock - there’s nothing like that in the world.

You won’t find such holy children anywhere else!

The Rav Miller offers many ideas for raising your children with kedushah, even when surrounded by modern secular values.

That's very worth reading.

He concludes that section with this advice:

And so the house is kadosh.

It’s something we have to say to ourselves and to our children - you should repeat it constantly.

You can tell them, “Every time you do something good in this house, you’re making the house even more kadosh. Every time you learn Torah in the house, every time you daven, every time you say birkas hamazon, any bracha you make in the house, the house is becoming more and more kadosh.”

Tell them that - they won’t listen; they’ll say, “Yes, yes,” but it’s going into their little heads.

Don't Forget This Part of Meal-Planning

Rav Miller offers a great many wonderful ideas for using meal times as pleasant chinuch for the children, a time to inculcate authentic Torah values into the family and the home.

He calls it a form of "meal planning," which means you need to have an idea of what you want to mention before you sit down to eat with everyone. (But he recommends against telling the kids that you planned the topic; let them think it's inspired.)

Which Building is Really Built to Last?

Incredibly, our homes that were dedicated to kedushah will rise again with Techiyat Hametim (Resurrection of the Dead)!

(Rav Miller derives this from the Gemara.)

The holy homes of our holy Sages, which are in ruins now, will also rise again!

The strongest & tallest & most beautiful edifices of today will fall at some point.

Yet the humble abode of the Chafetz Chaim, of all the holy people, will rise again.

It's a whole other way of looking at the world.

What Kind of Home are We Creating?

And these are important questions we need to answer ourselves:

And therefore an honest parent should stop and ask himself: “What kind of home do we have? Am I accomplishing in my home what Moshe Rabeinu begged for many many days to have the opportunity to accomplish?"

The most rewarding life for a man and a woman, is to make use of that opportunity that Moshe begged for, and put the best that they have into that house.

The walls of their house should witness only kindliness, only politeness, good character, kindly words, avodas Hashem, joyous Shabbosim, zemiros on Shabbos, divrei Torah, helping each other, performing acts that Hashem commands us to do.

All day long the bnei bayis are putting idealism into the walls of their home.

***

Of course theory is always easier than practice.

But we have to strive for the ideal, for the building of a home that Hashem intended when He told the Am Yisroel, “Return to your tents.”

The creation of a home founded on the principles of Ma’amad Har Sinai is a creation that is eternal.

Regardless of what kind of family we have (even if it's just yourself), may we all succeed in making our families and our homes abodes of kedushah and Torah idealism.

What kind of home do we want?

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What You Didn't Know about Odd Gemaras & What Your Yearnings Really Mean: Rav Avigdor Miller on Some Heavy-Duty Concepts in Parshat Korach & Parshat Chukat

4/7/2019

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Parshat Korach 2: Your Mind is Forever

For our brothers & sisters in chutz l'Aretz, Toras Avigdor has produced Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah on Parshat Korach 2: Your Mind is Forever.

And it's a real geshmakeh doozy.

Rav Miller describes aspects of Gehinnom, sheds light on strange stories from the Gemara (like raising Bilam from dead to talk to him and the conversations of 2 dead girls in a cemetery), and delves into the importance of doing teshuvah NOW.

Even if you think you can't keep up a better behavior, try anyway. Whatever you do is really, really good.

And as always, Rav Miller fights the good fight against the tsunami of anti-Torah culture:

There’s a whole outside world of gentiles and secular Jews, and every second, their sewage is pouring into our world.

And therefore we have to stand guard day and night over our minds.

Think about how unequal of a contest this is.

Because how much yiras shomayim are we really pouring into our minds day and night?

How many exhortations to tzniyus are your wives hearing from the novels they read?

How many Torah ideals are you hearing on the radio?

How much do English teachers in the yeshiva high schools urge the boy to become great talmidei chachomim and to spend their free time studying Torah?

How many billboards do you see warning you to be careful with lashon hora, and urging you to do chesed and mitzvos?

All you see is the opposite.

With even very bad things becoming the norm, or even considered good nowadays, we need to ponder how much we're being affected by sources formally considered neutral.

Even listening to right-wing conservative religious pundits or reading their articles is a problem. Maybe you need it for something in particular l'to'elet. But despite their good intentions, these pundits have been very influenced by Leftist values.

Nowadays, even Right-wing conservative religious pundits dress like cocktail waitresses (if they're women), encourage mechanisms to prevent pregnancy in pre-marital relationships rather than encouraging abstinence until marriage, cuss like sailors, and other behaviors that would've been considered indecent even by liberals in our grandparents' time.

Not to mention the Jew-hatred at the edges of the conservative religious Right.

With the Leftist hatred of God-based morality in general and its anti-Israel stance, plus its love of fake science, the Left has always been a force against the Jewish people.

But the Right also has its bigots. And many on the Right cannot accept that church-attendees did not replace the Jewish People as the Am Segulah and cannot differentiate between the profoundly assimilated Erev Rav-esque Jews (who muck around in Leftist garbage) and the genuinely searching or committed Jews.

So we need to guard our minds.

As Rav Miller continues:

The outside world is pouring in all types of filth and we’re not pouring kedusha into ourselves, it’s a very unfair contest.

But even if we would be pouring into ourselves Torah and yiras shomayim day and night...All day long you’re cramming your head with Chovos Halevavos [Duties of the Heart].

It’s a good thing by the way - even one drop is a good medicine.

But if at the same time the sewage is pouring in too, then what good is it?

You have the best wine, the most expensive wine, and you pour it into a cup that’s filthy with mud, a cup that’s crawling with bacteria and worms, so what kind of taste will it have?

"To create a mind, that’s our job in life. And that’s the most important business we can do in this world."

Even if you're in Eretz Yisrael and already went through Parshat Korach, it's very worthwhile reading what Rav Miller has to say because he explains things you might have always wondered about and he also gives very good mussar for the very real challenges we face today.

Let's get to work creating wonderful minds for ourselves!

Parshat Chukat: The Reality of the Next World

In Parshas Chukas: The Reality of the Next World, Rav Miller goes into detail about why Judaism insists on burying a body a soon as possible. It's not the entire reason, but he details why it's good for US to do it quickly.

He talks about tumah, defilement of the mind.

Then he elucidates one of those Gemaras (Brachot 44a) that apikorsim and Jew-haters love to hold up as an example of Talmudic weirdness and impropriety.

As usual, there are layers of meaning beneath the surface.

People who insist on taking such Gemaras at face-value are either ignorant or looking for excuses for their apikorsut.

Either way, it's only something that really dumb and disingenuous people do.

And Rav Miller draws the curtain aside to show us what's really going on behind the scenes.

Clarification: Not understanding the Gemara is fine. That's honest. Yeah, I also didn't know anything about the underlying meaning of all that fruit-eating until Rav Miller explained it. But using the superficial translation of it to fuel Jew-hatred or apikorsut indicates a dumb and disingenuous person. That's all.

And even our seemingly This-World yearnings derive from a deeper source in the soul.

Rav Miller says:

Or let's say you're standing on a country road, and you look down the road and it's winding down for miles and miles.

And you're thinking, “I'd like to travel on this road, to see what's doing at the other end.”

That yearning is real!

That yearning for travel, “I'd like to go and travel down this winding road,” should be a symbol for us.

"Because there is a road, a true road to happiness. The road to Olam Habah is the winding road without any deceptions."

Hakodosh Boruch Hu is not deceiving us.

The road of your life leads somewhere.

Our life is a road that leads to a much greater destination than any other road.

Our desires to travel down the road, to sail to the horizon at the edge of the sea, to find the end of the rainbow - these are all yearnings rooted in a much holier yearning, to remind us for what we really need to yearn.

All the pleasures of this world: extravagant weddings, continental breakfasts, chocolate cake and a shluf on Shabbos, a sparkling home, scrumptious food...these are just allegories for Olam Haba to make us yearn for a good portion in Olam Haba and to motivate us to do what we must to get there.

Focusing on Olam Haba creates joy and prevents suicide and all sorts of problems.

A person focused on utilizing This World for the Next remains silent in the face of anger, criticism, and foolishness - including when they come from one's own spouse.

But we need to talk about it a lot.

Once, after Rav Miller mentioned Olam Haba in several lectures, a man burst out: “What's this that you're mentioning Olam Habah, Olam Habah. You sound like a little girl.”

What a humiliating way to speak to a talmid chacham.

But Rav Miller just kept on going with what he knew was right.

This dvar Torah also presents ways to inculcate a desire for Olam Haba in children, whether you're a teacher or a parent.

"Be a propagandist for Hakodosh Boruch Hu."

And all that Rav Miller writes in Parshat Chukat is connected to the Parah Adumah.

So if you want a better understanding of an unfathomable aspect of Torah, this dvar Torah is worth a good solid perusal.

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What is a Clean Tongue?

20/5/2019

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A huge blindspot today is language.

Foul words have entered everyday vocabulary, with today's grandmothers using the very words (or worse) for which she originally washed out her own child's mouth with soap as a mother only 3 decades ago.

This can be true in parts of modern frum society too sometimes.

Foul English words have also entered Israeli Hebrew as slang (because they don't know what they're actually saying & because cussing in a foreign language doesn't have the same jolt). Even some frum Israelis end up using this vulgar English as slang within their modern Hebrew.

However, Judaism insists not only on non-vulgar language, but on refined language in general.

When asked about lashon nekiyah - clean language or a clean tongue - Rav Avigdor Miller mentioned the words mothers traditionally forbade their children.

Then he goes a step deeper and discusses refined language in general - "mindful speech," if you will.

For example, he explains, in Slabodka where he learned, they never said the word shlecht, which is Yiddish for "bad."

They never said the word shlecht. Never. I was there six years. Six years – and they never said the word shlecht. “Not good,” they would say. But they never said shlecht. They never referred to a goy as a “sheigetz.”

Because that’s a Sheketz. The word “sheigetz” comes from the word sheketz a disgusting creature. “Sheigetz” is sheketz. But a goy is not a sheketz. He’s a tzelem Elokim...

The word “sheigetz” is never found in Slabodka language.

So, in a good environment, if you make sure to stay in stay in a good environment, you’ll pick up what is called lashon nekiyah.

Tape #E-167

And that's worth chewing over.

Related link:
Try This: No Swearing for One Week

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Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Metzora

11/4/2019

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As usual, Rav Miller's dvar Torah on Parshat Metzora: The Aristocratic Home (which, as always, could not come about without the efforts & permission of Toras Avigdor) is one long & vividly detailed list of gratitude -- this time, gratitude for the chessed of living in a house.

With vivid descriptions and bring-a-smile-to-your-face wit, Rav Miller brings house-appreciation to life: walls, roofs, indoor plumbing...it's all a wonderful gift!

Yet as always, Rav Miller remains balanced even within his gratitude (which is actually also a part of gratitude).

For example, upon caught in falling snow, Rav Miller's walking companion takes a gratitude-attitude toward the snow by declaring "Snow is like ice cream!"

It is. Add sugar and flavoring, and you've got a ready-made sno-cone.

Rav Miller approves of his companion's comment, yet makes the following observation:

“You are correct, that’s a wonderful idea - but ice cream in your ears is not comfortable.”

We appreciate the snow, but we appreciate umbrellas too! So we’ll stand on this side of the wall and we’ll enjoy the rain and snow and cold. Of course, we enjoy it; but we don’t have to dive into it.

Being caught unprepared in falling snow (especially if it's wet) has its positive aspects because everything Hashem does is for the best.

But we needn't lie to ourselves and pretend that something uncomfortable is comfortable.

And we can use that honest observation for even more gratitude:
Thank God we have a home to go to where we can enjoy the snow in a protected environment!

Home, Sweet Home!

And a shiur on the value of a home isn't complete without emphasizing that the home is the place where we should be on our best behavior, not our worst behavior.

(He presents the Telzer Rav's exemplary behavior at home as an example.)

And here's some practical advice to meet this lofty goal:

And therefore in a Jewish home it is of utmost importance to live up to the idea that we are bnei melachim [children of kings].

Before every move made in the home, they consult in their minds the model supplied by the awareness of their royalty; what they think royalty would do in such a case.

A man and woman in the home should always be thinking: “What are the royal manners and the aristocratic ideals that should reign in the Jewish home?”

Of course, we are all human beings and we can’t imagine that we will succeed in one fell swoop, but we have to always be aware of the perfection we are striving for.

And it is those homes where this is kept in mind always that will never have to be plagued by the warning and lessons of tzara’as.

He elaborates on this concept and how to fulfill this ideal at length, which gives me quite a lot of food for thought.

Raising Children to Love Judaism

But Rav Miller is always a realist.

He knows that the internalization of Jewish values doesn't happen in one go.

Chinuch is about a steady drip-drip-drip of Torah hashkafah against our hearts of stone.

Children don't respond as you'd wish.

But the seed of the idea has been planted.

As Rav Miller describes:

Sit down and talk for a couple of minutes about yomtiv [a Jewish holiday]; tell the children, “Let’s sing the song Atah Bichartanu, or a different niggun.”

And then say, suggest to them, “Kids, aren’t we having a good time, kinderlach?”

And they all chime in, “Yes. Now let’s go to the zoo!”

But that’s excellent - you accomplished your mission! Because those few minutes have laid a foundation.

Rav Miller went out of his way to make Jewish holidays and rituals exciting, not just for his own children, but for his grandchildren and even the neighbors' children.

Rav Miller's dvar Torah gives several examples, but my favorite is adding chocolate to the search for chametz Erev Pesach.

Tefillah: A Woman's True Tafkid

Rav Miller emphasizes the importance of women's prayers:

The home should be a place of tefillah and it is the mother who must present herself as the symbol of prayer, the model of tefilah for the Am Yisroel.

Now, she can’t stand and pray long prayers; she’s busy with a lot of things in the house.

But the mother must be a mother of prayer.

Our mothers always prayed a great deal; a Jewish mother should pray even more than a man prays...A Jewish mother in the home should be turning to Hashem all day long.

The old-time Jewish women had a handbook of prayers - prayers for everything, for every kind of eventuality. She would be praying for help in the home, that her supper should come out tasting delicious. Or for a child who is not well and for a child who is not going exactly on the straight path.

Today too, a mother prays constantly that the washing machine shouldn’t break down, that her husband should earn a livelihood, that he should find favor in the eyes of his boss and get a raise.

So besides the fact that immediately, the first thing in the morning when the children wake up, they hear, “Abba is davening in shul; Abba’s learning.”

The children are always asking, “Did Totty come back from shul yet?”

And the mother tells them, “Totty is in shul talking to Hashem; he’ll be home soon.”

That’s how the Jewish home starts out every day, but besides for that, the mother spends the rest of the day absorbed in speaking to Hashem about everything.

And here's some lost but precious advice:

In the olden days the Jewish mother actually was a symbol of prayer even more than the husband; it’s something that’s forgotten today but that is one of the greatest achievements in a Jewish home.

A Jewish mother should always be praying and the children who grow up with that know that their house is a home where Hashem resides.

The aristocratic Jewish home actually became a Beis Hamikdash.

What is the Worst Thing a Parent or Spouse Can Do?

And here is a key warning:

Complaining is one of the forms of breaking down a home.

Even if there is no quarrel between husband and wife and even if the children are behaving and are loyal, if there is a complaining person in the house – if the mother or father complain frequently – then the morale in the house is broken.

You cannot have a successful home, even a non-Jewish home, if there is complaining.

This really spoke to me because I knew a family that looks wonderful and everyone comments on how aidel and refined the parents are, and the kids all went to respected Yiddish schools that turn out solid chassidish alumni, yet 2 kids seem mostly off-the-derech. The mother is very calm and consistent and lives by emuna.

The parents seem to get along just fine.

Yet one boy goes without his kippah & smokes pot while his sister smokes cigarettes and wears jeans downtown at night.

Everyone was mystified that this couple has 2 children acting out in this manner.

Yet quite by accident, I overheard their father kvetching in such a pathetic whiny way to his wife. His wife tried to respond with pleasant grace, but he insisted on whining and then she just fixed her face into a smile without responding further, except for a pleasant repetition of: "Hmm. Well, I don't know. Mm. I don't know."

I was shocked because what was the father complaining about? An acquaintance had given him a big compliment, a big thank-you and verbal gesture of appreciation and honor. And the father was dissecting it for negativity. "What did he mean by that? But what did he say it like THAT? I mean, was he thinking this-or-this? What was it? But what did he mean exactly? I don't get it."

In addition to verbally pummeling his wife in this manner (she couldn't reassure him enough and the husband irrationally refused to accept her logical and true interpretation of the complimentary words), it's intolerable to live with a person who cannot deal with even the most positive behavior without shredding it apart for negativity.

Such people can suck out any vitality or meaning to life.

Success Needs Planning

This isn't the end of the dvar Torah, but I'll just end the post with a final quote from Rav Miller:

But to be a success, needs planning.

And don’t think it’s not going to repay you.

The happiness, the satisfaction of a successful day in the house is a reward without end.

It’s a reward in this world and it’s a reward forever and ever in Olam Haba.

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Jewish Education in a Crisis of Hypocrisy

30/12/2018

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Recently, New York state has started cracking down on the secular curriculum of frum schools.

You can read a very good defense of this HERE.

Education: Prepared for What?

One of the strongest arguments against the claim that frum schools don’t prepare their students properly to compete for a high academic education in the non-Jewish world is that yes, the frum schools always have and will continue to emphasize Torah knowledge and values over secular ones.

That’s their purpose.

And yes, until Mashiach comes, there will always be resentful alumni who feel that the frum system held them back and forced them to work harder to catch up with their secular counterparts and, in general, caused them a great deal of unhappiness and frustration. Some even say it was like growing up in a cult.

Likewise, until Mashiach comes, there will also always be Jews like me who feel that a non-Torah (whether assimilated, Christian, Conservative, or Reform) upbringing held us back (and caused us to make extremely harmful decisions that can never be taken back), and forced us to work harder to catch up with our frummer counterparts and, in general, caused us a great deal of unhappiness and frustration. Some (like me) even say it was like growing up in a cult.

Some people start on a higher floor than others. Many people feel they got a wonky start to life.

Hashem gives everyone the challenges they need to grow in the way best for their neshamah and to complete certain tikkunim.

That’s no comfort to those who don’t accept the idea of a Wholly Omnipotent All-Knowing & All-Compassionate Creator or the idea of the exalted human soul, but this is nonetheless the Truth, whether people choose to believe it or not.

So that’s Argument #1.

Why Target Davka the Torah Education?

Another point is that of being specifically anti-Jewish—specifically anti-Torah.

Throughout Jewish history, you find that Jew-haters specifically leech onto the idea that the Jew must be absolutely perfect at all times. Everyone else’s sins can be forgiven, but not the Jew’s—especially the sins of the Torah Jew.

And no matter how bestial and evil the acts of anyone else, and no matter how light and less the mistakes of the Torah Jew, everyone else’s brutal deeds are ignored and the relatively light lackings of the Torah Jews are spotlighted and magnified.

This is done on a national level with the world against the State of Israel and this is done on an individual level or a group level. This is done by non-Jews and also by self-hating Jews.

And it’s a historical pattern.

So for example, I attended American public schools with barely a Jew in the school. Luckily, my elementary school education caught the tail-end of the last decent American teachers. These were mostly women in their fifties and sixties who knew had to control a classroom and how to get the necessary information into our heads—even if we didn’t like that subject or weren’t good at it.

So I actually learned skills that I still use now, like spelling, reading, printing, cursive, memorized multiplication tables, proper sentence structure, geography, the names and locations of capital cities, and so on.

But after sixth grade, I’m not sure I learned much. The most educational lesson I remember from junior and high school graduation is from an English teacher (whom I really disliked) who emphasized the importance of varied sentence openings and avoiding passive voice in writing. That’s good advice that I still utilize today.

And that’s basically it.

The junior high I attended drew a crowd from neighborhoods that didn’t take school or decent behavior seriously.

I remember water balloon fights in the back of the classroom during a math lesson and a seventh-grade boy who regular came to school drunk by 8 in the morning. One girl had to deal with growing up as the biracial daughter of a white unwed mother, which was still unusual at that time in that place. (It actually took me a year to realize that she was biracial and the result of an out-of-wedlock pregnancy, and no one ever said anything to her about either issue—I only figured it out because of her extreme self-consciousness about it.) Another girl confided in a teacher that her stepfather had thrown all her clothes into the fire place—while there was a fire going. And yet another boasted that she’d chased her mother around the house with a knife.

It was also the first time I realized that nothing really horrible happened if you didn’t do your homework.

Due to peer pressure (the long-haired punks actually jeered at you out loud in front of everyone if you handed in your homework), a math class that started the year with almost everyone (except 2 students) handing in their homework saw only 3 or 4 students handing in their homework by spring.

Most of the teachers were also older and experienced, but struggled to teach uninterested kids from dysfunctional families. The long-haired, neglected youth wearing heavy metal T-shirts were a far cry from the more clean-cut student body these teachers had started out with in the Fifties & Sixties. And when they were actually allowed to teach, they did quite a good job.

Another problem with some older teachers is that age brings its own challenges.

Your friends and family members start dying. Both you and them suffer health problems and decreased energy. One English teacher constantly looked like he was on the verge of tears throughout the 2 years I attended. One day, his students decided to open the drawer of his desk. They found a best-selling non-fiction book of indecency and a six-pack of beer. That teacher later died of AIDS.

Perhaps if their students & surrounding culture had been halfway decent, the teachers would have been able to set their personal problems aside and focus just on teaching. But everything together was too overwhelming.

The art teacher exploded every so often and stated outright that he wished he could just quit already, but was waiting out the next couple of years until retirement so as not to decrease his pension.

High school was better than junior high, but not of the same quality as elementary school.

And this increasing failure of schools to teach is endemic throughout America.

Just as one example, a professor who teaches at a state university once told me that her students sometimes resent her because she forces them to re-do their work until it’s written properly. Sometimes, students must re-do the same assignment 4 or 5 times. Having attended public school herself, she receives their complaints with understanding.

And she tells them: “I know you see me as being mean and unfair. I know that it seems especially unfair because I’m not even your English professor, so why am I making a big deal about your writing when your English professor doesn’t even do that? I know that you’ve never had a teacher or professor do this to you before—and that’s exactly why I do it. I’m afraid that if I don’t teach you how to write, no one will. All I’m doing is teaching you what your teachers should have taught you already. I’m afraid you’ll graduate college without ever learning how to write.”

Yeah, this professor officially teaches the history of ancient Greece & Rome, but she needs to teach her students English composition too because no one else has and no one else will.

But who cares about the entire country? Let’s only go after the yeshivah schools for not having an up-to-par secular curriculum!

Well, you might say, private schools are doing the job. And frum schools are private schools.

The thing is that private schools do teach certain basics like English and math better than public schools, but they mix in a lot of garbage too. Many are highly politicized. For example, students will graduate with the conviction that evolutionary theory is absolutely true and that man-made global warming is not only completely true, but one of the most pressing problems facing mankind today (AND that it can be reversed).

And many private-school students also come out with poor middot and values. Society doesn’t care, especially since mainstream media and entertainment adore these poor values and middot. But it’s still a problem whether you recognize it or not.

One such problem is that the faculty for private schools and schools for the gifted condition their students into an elitist mentality.

This mentality makes for a very poor work ethic. Why? Because these people feel entitled to high-paying high-level jobs while doing the very minimum required of their position. To their mind, anything beyond the bare minimum is for peons and therefore, they dump all the rest onto their overworked underlings.

(If you look at struggling or failed institutions and businesses, you’ll see that this is often the underlying dynamic.)

I didn’t say that all products of such schooling behave this way. There are some stunning exceptions. But many do possess this elitist real-work-is-for-peons mentality.

So there are 2 major problems crippling America’s educational system:

A school system that does not teach proper fundamentals (while emphasizing social mores and unproven theories)
An elitist-entitlement mentality that discourages a healthy work ethic

But hey, let’s ignore all that and go after the less than 1%!

So the point is that the secular curriculum among frum schools is the least of America’s problems within its educational system

Yet they’re targeting the frum school system.

And we know what that really means.

Related articles:
Jewish Education in Crisis—Leave Our Yeshivos Alone. Period.
Jewish Education in Crisis – A Torah Perspective
Could You Pass the 8th-Grade Exam of 1895?
The Decline of American Education
Creating a Victim Mentality: A How-To Guide

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The Real Purpose of a Home & Family

5/12/2018

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Several years ago, Hamodia printed a column in which Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller contrasted 2 different mother-daughter relationships.

In one scenario, the mother allowed her teenage daughter to pour out her heart and thoughts with no restraint. The daughter discussed her perceptions of other people using their names and any other identifying information without a second thought. Both the mother and the daughter viewed their relationship as “close” and one of sharing.

Yet Rebbetzin Heller noted that a relationship based on lashon hara doesn’t possess genuine intimacy.

In contrast, she described a relationship in which the mother and daughter felt close to each other, but the mother allowed the daughter to discuss others only when necessary and without names or any other identifying details (unless there was a to’elet—a beneficial purpose—in revealing these details).

This revolutionary (for me at that time) idea struck me because I hadn’t considered that placing boundaries on a child’s conversation could still facilitate a close relationship with that child. My own children were still young at that time and Hashem led me to read this column before I needed to—which was great preparation for my future relationship with them.

Even now, it’s surprising how much a child can confide without telling me anything more identifying than “a classmate of mine” or “a kid in the neighborhood.”

Yes, sometimes names and identifying details need to be revealed, but not usually. And even when the child can’t avoid telling you who’s bothering them, the other laws of lashon hara l’to’elet need to be observed.

There are no hard-and-fast rules about this. Age, for example, can be a deciding factor. Child-parent discussions involving lashon hara l’to’elet occur at the parents’ discretion and since it’s impossible to be perfect about this, you just give it your best shot based on whatever knowledge you have of the situation and the halacha.

But I’d grown up with the modern child psychology that children need all their feelings validated and that any lashon hara they spoke was automatically l’to’elet because a child “needs” that outlet in the parent.

However, one thing that Judaism (and Rebbetzin Heller’s column) emphasizes is how the home is really training ground to bring out your child’s soul-potential.

Our job as parents is to train the child to be the best he or she can be and consequently earn the best Olam Haba possible.

The only way to do this is to do the following:

First, as parents, work on our own middot.
Secondly, to train our children to adhere to halacha.

And while I knew that “being friends” with one’s child is not good for them, I had a harder time breaking away from the idea that children need to be happy and a parent needs to build a child’s self-esteem. It didn’t help that many very well-meaning chinuch “experts” opined that a happy child-parent relationship was necessary to prevent children from going off the derech. The child needed to feel loved and also love the parents.

It sounds so nice and logical. What could be the problem with it?

Doing What's REALLY Best for Your Child

As one rebbetzin explained to me in my early years of motherhood, a parent cannot focus on making a child happy.

A parent must focus on doing what’s best for the child, regardless of how hard that is for the parent or how much the child dislikes it. Determining parental success or failure by how the child feels about the parent creates a recipe for disaster.
(You can see more details about that exchange in Allowing Others Their Own Life Journey.)

Also, what I didn't realize back then was that self-esteem cannot be given, it can only be earned by a person through making moral choices and taking the higher road (even if it's only a tad higher than the road everyone else is taking).

In other words, parents can teach their children how to earn & cultivate their own self-esteem, but parents cannot give their children self-esteem.

And yeah, I'm still cleaning up the mess from having gone with the child psychology of the 80s & 90s.

(Fortunately, Hashem helps.)

Furthermore, it's not hard to notice that many children with seemingly close & friendly relationships with their parents grew distant or even angry at their parents later while many strictly raised children ended up becoming close and appreciative of their parents later.

Yes, parents whose strictness is based on being control-freaks or who are too lazy to say yes when saying no is easier have given firm boundaries & high expectations a bad reputation. But those parents aren’t doing what’s best for the child; they are simply indulging their own bad middot and ignoring their children’s feelings for their own convenience while pretending they are being responsible parents.

But to parent wisely, the only question that needs to be answered is:
What is BEST for my child?

Not what makes me, the parent, happier. And not what makes the child happier. But is BEST?

This actually takes enormous self-discipline, self-honesty, and most of all:
Copious prayer.

And it is the real challenge of parenthood.

May we all succeed in raising our children according to their derech and may both we and Hashem receive a lot of nachat d'kedushah from them.

Here are some helpful halachic Q&A regarding lashon hara between parents and children:
hamodia.com/columns/mishmeres-hasholom-ask-rav-151/
https://hamodia.com/columns/mishmeres-hasholom-ask-rav-140/
https://hamodia.com/columns/mishmeres-hasholom-ask-rav-137/
https://hamodia.com/columns/mishmeres-hasholom-ask-rav-136/

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Part II: When Honesty Stops Being a Virtue

10/10/2018

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Back to Part I

I want to start off by reiterating that the Pele Yoetz was a very holy and knowledgeable Jew who chose to die of plague in order to spare his community of suffering that same plague. He strove for honesty and yosher in every aspect of life.

And as much as he felt the pain of his fellow Jews in whatever difficult interpersonal situation they found themselves, the Pele Yoetz maintained equal awareness that Olam Haba is a very real place, and that rising to the occasion by overcoming your bad middot earns you a goodly portion in Olam Haba while giving in to your lower instincts and emotions can land you in a lot of trouble with Heavenly Judgement.

With this in mind, much of the his advice flies in the face of what our secular-influenced culture tells us now. Yet you’ll see that the Pele Yoetz’s advice follows the actual halacha.

In other words:

The Pele Yoetz understands your pain.
The Pele Yoetz also understands that Hashem is behind the difficult situations.
The Pele Yoetz has an excellent idea of exactly how awful Gehinnom is and how marvelous Gan Eden is.
The Pele Yoetz VERY MUCH wants people to avoid Gehinnom.
So the Pele Yoetz tailors his advice to help people avoid Gehinnom in their Olam Haba because he feels that suffering Gehinnom in This World is more than enough.

Remember, the Pele Yoetz himself was willing to suffer the plague for several weeks and then die so that no one else would need to suffer the same fate (including those very difficult people who might actually deserve such a fate).

And this final point:
The Pele Yoetz focuses on your present and future behavior.

He barely focuses on external causes because despite your upbringing and many other factors, you still have the capacity to behave with good middot or you wouldn't be commanded to do so.

Needless to say, I struggle with the above as much as anyone else. Sometimes, I do my best to maintain my middot and succeed, but sometimes I fail. That's how it goes. I publish the Pele Yoetz's advice for myself as much as anyone else.

Secular modern psychology is atheistic, even if many psychologists aren’t actual atheists. So psychology focuses on the surface-level emotional well-being of the client rather than on the client’s soul and future well-being once the soul leaves the body.

Also, no therapist is going to be as mosser nefesh for you as the Pele Yoetz.

Your therapist will never take your Heavenly Punishment upon his- or herself like the Pele Yoetz did for his errant brethren.

So it's best to listen to him as much as we can.

Being "Real" -- for Real

Rav Avrohom Ehrman’s book Journey to Virtue notes that part of fulfilling the mitzvah of v’ahavta l’re’echa kamocha (love your neighbor as yourself) includes (but is not limited to):

Speak only in a positive manner about others.
Show the same degree of concern for their honor as you do your own.
Camouflage their deficiencies just as we would wish our own faults to be overlooked.

The above is admittedly VERY HARD to do with people who treat you badly.

Modern society accuses people of being "fake" or "in denial" or "Pollyanna" or "a stooge" when they do things like only speak positively of others or camouflage other people's deficiencies.

Yet that's only true when your INTENTION is to cover up for a bad guy who uses your cover to keep hurting others. It's true when prefer to disassociate and actually pretend nothing in wrong and continue neglecting yourself or others, or if you're trying to be a goody-two-shoes.

In Judaism, you don't pretend that bad is good. (That's chanifah -- totally forbidden.)

You simply emphasize the good.

However, when your intention is to remain well-aware, but commit to HASHEM'S value system and follow the above strictures with integrity, then that's being more REAL than anything else.

Remember, as elucidated in a past post, Judaism considers the whole truth told only when the positive is included.

Modern society is the exact opposite. Truth is only when the negative is included.

When Separation is Good

And of course, there are the little known halachot of keeping away from people who repeatedly sin, display bad middot, etc., so as not to be influenced or harmed by them.

The Pele Yoetz himself urges family members who cannot get along (i.e., adult children & their parents, children-in-law & parents-in-law) to refrain from spending much time together and even from sitting together at gatherings, if necessary.

This separation from impossibly difficult situations includes helping a very abused wife get divorced if she so desires, calling this divorce assistance “a very great mitzvah” -- meaning, you'll increase your reward in Olam Haba by helping her.

On the other hand, the Pele Yoetz emphasizes that such relationships are from Hashem. So therefore: Rising to the occasion accrues generous reward (though he doesn’t promise you’ll see that reward in this lifetime).

This was a very complex post to put together because the Pele Yoetz acknowledges both the awful reality of some people’s behavior together with the unknowable Divine Plan behind putting you together with such people.

And he discusses both the spiritual reasons along with the here-and-now reasons as motivation to rise to the occasion when dealing with difficult people.

But his MAIN FOCUS is on CORRECT BEHAVIOR. He openly acknowledges that correct behavior may not influence the difficult person to behave better. He says that it can, but it doesn't necessarily.

This approach is very different than the approach even many frum advisors use today, so it can take time to internalize the Pele Yoetz's message because it initially feels like sandpaper-rubbing rather than a loving caress.

So it’s all together and that makes it difficult to sum things up (especially on a computer screen where the eye naturally skims the information rather than reading it carefully—mine too).

The Pele Yoetz doesn’t mince words when describing people (“lowly and disgusting” “depraved” “bad character” “bad and difficult”) nor does he make excuses for the miserable behavior.

You don’t hear about anyone’s unfortunate upbringing or background or environment. Instead, he mostly attributes people’s flaws to the generation or to general factors (like old age), rather than to specific circumstances.

HOWEVER, he also very strongly encourages people to push themselves spiritually to be the best they can be—despite the weakness of the generation and the rampant ignorance in society, or any other factors (like old age, stressful situations, etc).

His Balkan Jewish society was interesting because while there weren’t secular Jews per se, there were very ignorant Jews. Some didn’t know how to read or know how to read Hebrew.

For example, he advises a man who doesn’t know Hebrew to go to a Sage before Yom Kippur to have the Hebrew Vidui (Confession) translated into the vernacular.

(We don't need to do that nowadays because we have Artscroll and Metzudah and the like. But the point is to understand each word of Vidui.)

At the same time, Sarajevo was the Torah center where the Pele Yoetz learned too, and Sarajevo produced many talmidei chachamim and tzaddikim. And then you had everyone in between those 2 extremes.

No More Blame Game

The Pele Yoetz speaks strongly about the need to overcome your lesser middot and behave in an exemplary manner while at the same time acknowledging how hard that can be. Sometimes, his expectations seem too high—yet he addresses this too by saying that if the Torah commanded it, then it cannot be impossible.

“The Sages spoke only of one whom the controversy pursues him. And he flees from it and the peace flees from him and he runs after it [i.e the peace]—THAT is called a ‘rodef shalom—a pursuer of peace’ and his deeds will be praised at the gates.”

Several times, the Pele Yoetz makes the point that being a rodef shalom—a pursuer of peace—implies behaving peacefully with truly difficult people. Else why do you need to pursue peace? If a person is lovely, then peace exists on its own—no need to go running after it.

So he definitely understands that some people are difficult and that maintaining your middot with them is very difficult.

How does that all connect with lashon hara?

Our most difficult and painful relationships are exactly what trip us up, spiritually speaking.

There is opportunity for great loss—or great gain, depending on our response.

Lashon hara for no halachically permissible reason entails spiritual loss.

Problems among family ties can trip off the most lashon hara.

So among our more intricate family relationships, the Pele Yoetz has a lot to say.

Below, you’ll see some of the advice he offers both spouses and in-laws.

Note: Coming from secular Western society, it’s quite a pop in the face. So be prepared…

General Advice for Relatives

The Pele Yoetz insists on exemplary behavior on the part of spouses and in-laws even toward a spouse or child/parent-in-law who is awful.

First, he reminds both husbands and wives:
Love of the soul is the most important love of all, so the spiritual goals for you & your spouse need to be foremost at all times.

He actually repeats this idea for husbands, wives, and parents throughout the book.

Ladies First: Advice for Wives

The Pele Yoetz says to wives:

It is difficult to offer general advice because not all people think alike.

Rather, based on the nature of her husband, a wife needs to conduct herself according to his character with grace and insightful understanding in order that their marriage should be successful in love and companionship.

Note: I wish EVERY person involved in ANY shalom bayis counseling would commit the above to memory and engrave it on their heart!

It IS difficult to offer general advice because NOT ALL PEOPLE THINK ALIKE. The Pele Yoetz encourages women to conduct themselves according to the nature of HER husband and HIS character—NOT according to whatever stereotypes your advisor has of men or according to your rebbetzin’s husband’s nature.

He stated this nearly 2 centuries ago, but who is listening?

Anyway the Pele Yoetz also advises wives:

"You should be sensitive to your husband’s honor whether he is a moral person or a sinner, whether praiseworthy or dishonorable, because he is to her as a decree from the King of the Universe. Hashem brings individuals together and matches them to each other."

"This is like a man whom the king desires to glorify and so appoints him as second to the king. The entire nation is obligated to act toward him with respect, even if he is a leper or a repulsive person."

Your reward will increase when your performance of your marital mitzvot demonstrate that you act for the sake of your Creator.

I want to focus on this for a moment because so much marital advice today, whether from secular psychology or shalom bayis “experts” focus on pleasing the other spouse and bending over backward to their will (and especially for women to do so).

Many give this advice despite the fact that pleasing and appeasing behavior never changes abusive people. Also, because most people with personality disorders FEAR intimacy, giving them more love not only doesn’t help but can even trigger MORE abusive behavior, depending.

But the Pele Yoetz doesn’t advise respectful behavior to improve shalom bayit (although he says that explaining to the person using soft words can help, which he bases on a verse from Mishlei--but no promises).

As indicated above, he clearly states that the reason for good treatment, whether for husbands or wives, is for Hashem’s Sake and for the sake of your Olam Haba.

Why?

Because, as the Pele Yoetz states, the whole point of relationships is to facilitate spiritual goals.

Even with marriage, the Pele Yoetz encourages a wife to look behind the curtain of her husband (“whether praiseworthy or dishonorable”) because that marriage (like EVERYTHING else in life) is a decree from the King of the Universe.

You honor your husband because doing so honors HASHEM and his decree.

This is just like the idea propagated throughout Judaism (including the Pele Yoetz) that you should be among the insulted who do not return a hurt with a hurt, which is an ideal Judaism also upholds outside of marriage.

Why?

Because the unpleasant incident or situation is from Hashem. Therefore, there is some benefit to it, like an atonement or middah-building exercise, or whatever.

Unlike modern-day shalom bayis advisers, the Pele Yoetz doesn’t focus on pleasing the husband nor does he start engage in exaggerated generalizations about men in an effort to blindside the wife into submission.

(Secular/non-Jewish therapist often do the same, including using their diagnosis of the husband suffering from a personality disorder or Aspergers or just needing unconditional love or whatever in order to manipulate the wife into co-dependence or submission.)

In fact, he doesn’t mince words. He acknowledges that some husbands are “dishonorable” and that a husband can be “harsh in character and opinions, a lowly and disgusting man who shares no good--ish kasheh b’middotav u’v’de’otav, nivzeh v’chadal ishim, chasar kol tov.”

(Nor does he quantify such behavior with allusions to an unfortunate background or dysfunctional upbringing of the aforesaid “lowly and disgusting man.”)

He wants a wife to rise above her natural inclinations in the face of such behavior—just as he encourages EVERY person (including the husbands of dysfunctional wives) to respond to ALL insulting or dishonorable behavior with dignity.

(Meaning, his mussar isn’t just for wives or even just for marriage, but a general principle applicable to all interpersonal dealings.)

At the same time, the Pele Yoetz encourages a wife to wait for a more relaxed moment and then “rebuke” her husband in a soft, sweet way by saying things like:
“Why did you do this-and-such? What is my sin and what is my transgression that you got worked up against me and got angry at me when I’ve done nothing to harm you? Is this good in the Eyes of Hashem?—and other good things.”

(Note: The language suggested by the Pele Yoetz was originally for early 19th-Century Sefardi Bulgarians and may need to be adjusted for modern English-speakers. They are just suggestions, after all.)

He also recommends pleading sweetly with an abusive husband in a more conducive moment, but he’s clear that these are only recommendations. He makes no guarantees that such words will reap the desired effect if the behind-the-scenes Heavenly decrees indicate otherwise.

A wife should pray for her husband.

Finally, he insists that:

Wives must use iron strength to refrain from revealing their husbands' failings and misdeeds to anyone.

(Again, the Pele Yoetz obviously understands how challenging this is, else why would he advise utilizing such strength in the face of such a nisayon?)

At the same time, the Pele Yoetz obviously heard from suffering wives he’s clearly aware of abusive behavior.

For example, in the case of physical abuse and insensitive behavior in the bedroom, the Pele Yoetz extols as a very big mitzvah to help such a wife, whether by Jewish officials beating the husband into submission or by assisting her in obtaining a divorce if she wants. (Interestingly, he offers neither option to husbands suffering from difficult or evil wives.)

How does this connect to lashon hara?

The Pele Yoetz shows heavy insistence against bad-mouthing your husband in any way, yet if it’s l’toelet (like she needs outside official help to protect her from an especially abusive husband), then obviously she can say something. Otherwise, how would the Pele Yoetz have known what was going on in her home or that a woman needed such help?

But whether the husband’s behavior is severe or just annoying, it’s clear that a lot of what passes for acceptable conversation nowadays is actually completely forbidden.

In actuality, no joking or kvetching about your husband is permissible, even when his behavior seems to justify complaint.

Finally, the Pele Yoetz advises an abused wife:

"She should also pour out her soul before Hashem every single day and perhaps Hashem will have mercy on her and her prayers will bring forth fruits."

Again, this doesn't rule out divorce from such a person or asking for intervention.

As the Pele Yoetz agitates against husbands who "may their name be obliterated" are "biliya'al (depraved)" and "treat Jewish women like maidservants (shifchot)":

"It is fitting for anyone who has the ability to chastise them [the abusive husbands] when possible. And if they have the ability to extract their wives from their hand when it's the desire of the wife--because a woman cannot dwell in the same place as a snake--it's a great mitzvah to save the oppressed from his oppressor."

Advice for Husbands

Likewise, the Pele Yoetz insists that husbands behave with exemplary middot toward even a difficult and wicked wife, all the more so toward a regular wife.

And again, he repeatedly emphasizes the importance of doing so for Hashem’s Sake.

And he holds the husband of a dysfunctional wife to much higher standards than he holds the wife of a dysfunctional husband.

“A difficult wife requires determination to behave toward her with peace and affection in honor of the Shechinah.”

If a man fails in the test of a difficult or evil wife, then you end up with 2 Gehinnoms: Suffering in This World because of your miserable marriage & suffering in the Next World because you failed your challenge (by responding in kind or indulging in escapist activities or whatever)

That’s pretty heavy, isn’t it?

The Pele Yoetz insists that in general, there’s an obligation of “mighty love--ahavah azah” between a husband and wife, repeating what’s written in Yevamot 62b, that a husband is obliged to love his wife as himself and to honor her more than himself.

He explains:

The obligation to be sensitive is cast upon you more than her as Baba Metzia 59a says: "A husband must always be cautious in regards to hurting his wife because since her tears are near, so is her pain.”

I know, I know.

This is in direct contrast to what’s taught in shalom bayis shiurim, which teach that the obligation of sensitivity is upon the wife.

The husband gets a free pass because "he’s a man" and "men aren't smart enough" and "can’t understand these things"—or so they claim.

This is why it is so important to turn to classic sources written by real tzaddikim and leave behind all the secular-influenced or Christian-influenced blather.

People who offer such advice come from despair; they’ve despaired of getting men to fulfill their halachic responsibilities—just like feminists have despaired of men.

So instead, they dump everything onto the wife. And looking at marriage and children today, it obviously isn’t helping. But their despair doesn’t let them think with an expanded mind.

Thank God we have our Sages to open our minds to the truth!

Anyway, the Pele Yoetz insists even if a wife:

intentionally burns his food
engages in certain transgressions (like lashon hara, anger, cursing, taking Hashem’s Name in vain, “similar things mentioned in Nashim and Nezikin”)
violates his will
is generally bad and difficult
lacks intelligence
spends too much money
angers him to his face
and so on,

--nonetheless, a husband should never:

become angry with his wife
shame her
curse her
strike her

Furthermore, the Pele Yoetz insists that a husband:

Always speak to his wife pleasantly
Use soft speech at all times with his wife (including when he's trying to convince her to correct her bad behavior)

Why?

A husband must bear the yoke and be among the insulted who do not insult and accept upon yourself the Judgment of Heaven with joy "because a woman is sent to man from God."

Again, the Pele Yoetz avoids being superficial about things.

He clearly realizes that some people are just plain bad apples, yet because these people are challenges sent by Hashem, we are supposed to rise to the occasion.

He cautions husbands several times that hating a bad or difficult wife can lead to producing a ben sorer u’moreh—the son of a hated wife, as mentioned in the Torah.

He exhorts men to genuinely love such wives to avoid producing rebellious children of bad nature.

To my mind, this a very high demand in light of the terrible middot mentioned above.

How can a man love the kind of sinful, vindictive wife mentioned above?

Again, the Pele Yoetz bases his advice on achieving the best Afterlife possible. The awful spouse is merely the conduit to achieve a blissful eternity:

“The fence to avoid quarreling in his home is to avoid being so exacting with each and every cent of household expenses.”

“He shall increase the honor of his home, each thing in its time, and appease his wife, because blessing only rests within his home for the sake of his wife.”

Though sympathetic to the challenges of a dysfunctional spouse (and even supports divorce for an abused woman), the Pele Yoetz reassures both suffering wives and suffering husbands that if they can maintain their own good middot (including refraining from lashon hara), then their Heavenly Reward will be tremendous.

Note: He provides a more advice & obligations for both husbands and wives than listed here.

Advice for Children-in-Law

The Pele Yoetz insists that a daughter-in-law should:

Be quick & careful to honor her husband’s parents (“as a king and queen”) even more than she honors her husband even if their “yoke” is heavy upon her and even if her parents-in-law are bothersome and possess bad character (“as is common among the elderly”).

Please note that the Pele Yoetz doesn’t say “even if she THINKS they are bothersome and have bad character,” but that they ARE bothersome and DO have bad character. Once again, he acknowledges that some people are indeed bad apples and doesn't dismiss the daughter-in-law's perception as mere tension common in that relationship.

She should strive to understand what they like and aim to please them.

At the same time, he recommends that if parents-in-law and children-in-law really can’t manage civility, they should not be together.

Again, the Pele Yoetz doesn’t get all sentimental about it all.

The reason for the above is because the merit of the parents aids the children. Meaning that performing the above actually helps the daughter-in-law. In a sense, she’s doing it for herself and her own children.

He reassures both children and children-in-law that in regard to honoring parents and parents-in-law, “one who honors others will be respected and his reward will be greatly increased and l’fum tzaara agrah”—one’s reward comes according to one’s exertion.

Interestingly, the Pele Yoetz states that:

The son-in-law is obligated to honor his wife’s parents.
The obligation for a son-in-law to honor his wife's parents is possibly even greater than the obligation to honor his own parents because due to his wife’s parents, he merits to be saved from sin and establish his lineage (presumably due to having married the daughter they produced).
He must not be ungrateful to them.
He must act as a son to them.

Regarding adult children and their own parents, the Pele Yoetz recommends:

Avoid financial dependence on parents whom it is difficult to honor.

For Parents-in-Law

“If it happens that the wife of the son is a bad and difficult woman--ishah ra’ah kashat ruach,” it is your responsibility to “bear her yoke and guide her with pleasantness and not to impose your burden upon her.”

(Again, the Pele Yoetz doesn’t say that you merely THINK your daughter-in-law is a bad and difficult woman—she actually IS genuinely horrible. Nonetheless…)

And if she behaves inappropriately, you should let her know (nicely) in private and not expose her awfulness (navlut) to others.

You should only praise her and treat her respectfully before others.

All the more so, you should not expose her awfulness to her husband (your son) so that resentment not enter his heart and he shall not come to hate her.

“Woe to them, the father and mother who cause this [their son’s hatred toward his wife]! For behold the Holy Name written in holiness, the Holy One Blessed Be He commanded to erase it in water to place peace between a man and his wife (Shabbat 116a)."

"And it is better for a father and mother to suffer a thousand evils and not facilitate controversy (machloket) between a man and his wife.”

“Therefore, the father and mother need great intelligence to behave with good behavior with the sons and the daughters-in-law in order for their marriage to go forth nicely in peace and straightness.”

“And even if there are some displeasures or grudges, they [the parents] should be very careful not to let these things be known or seen by outsiders because it is a foolishness and a shame for both sides and causes lashon hara and gives them a bad reputation.”

He advises that in situations in which parents-in-law and children-in-law cannot behave peacefully and properly with each other, then:

The good and just--hatov v’hayashar” thing to do is avoid sitting together because “this separation is pleasant for them; it is their life--zo hee chayahem.”

Advice for Parents Still Raising Children

Finally, the Pele Yoetz also speaks against discussing your children negatively with others.

The Ben Ish Chai in Laws for Women goes as far as saying that a mother who complains to the father about the children is actually endangering them because if justified, her complaints against them can cause them to be punished from Shamayim.

He doesn’t condemn a beneficial discussion of how best to handle Junior’s difficult behavior, but he’s referring to the litany of teinos some parents pour forth toward their spouse.

Why "Getting It Off Your Chest" Ultimately Doesn't Help

Much of the above advice is anathema to Western mores. With the modern emphasis on standing up for yourself and your rights, being “honest” and “real” about everything, “being yourself,” and much more, the Pele Yoetz’s advice seems backwards and constraining.

Yet over the years, I cannot deny that all the people who publicize the faults of their spouses or in-laws (children or parents) receive no good from this and don’t even experience real relief.

It’s hard for me to say this, but this includes those who really suffer (as the Pele Yoetz acknowledged above) and whose complaints leak out due to their immense pain.

I’m really sympathetic to those whose pain leaks out because living with a horrible spouse infects your very being and every aspect of life.

Particularly for women, who are likened to the Moon which receives light from the Sun (i.e. her husband), a woman whose husband maltreats or neglects her genuinely feels like a cold dead rock suspended in a dark airless Universe.

A woman in such a situation will find it very difficult to keep it all in and only pour out her heart to Hashem (as the Pele Yoetz encourages her to do) but not to other people (unless there’s a toelet, like to get divorced, as the Pele Yoetz notes).

One woman I knew married to an emotionally abusive man even became suicidal at one point—despite frequently leaking out her pain and resentment to others, despite therapy and despite consultation with rabbis. All the outpourings and/or comments never helped.

Whether it’s via humorous jabs or sad comments or even tearful admissions, I’ve seen that it really doesn’t help and any relief is only temporary. (Though relief isn’t guaranteed because sometimes the listener responds in a way the speaker finds hurtful.)

Like I've said before, my initial heart's reaction is to listen and empathize with the other. But I can't help seeing that all the intended support and empathy doesn't seem to offer more than temporary relief. However, when there has been something practical that I could do, then things ended up better.

So there's a difference between pouring your heart out when it can't help you (but maybe it feels like it helps you) and pouring your heart out when it can.

I'm not demonizing anyone for doing it -- believe me, I understand what emotional pain is like -- I'm just saying there is a way to do it that's beneficial and a way that is not.

Well, not me saying it, but the Pele Yoetz.

I'll be following up this last bit in another post.

So to sum up:

Painful relationships are challenges from Hashem.
Countering painful relationships with good middot earns you amazing Heavenly reward.
Countering painful relationships with bad middot earns you Gehinnom in both This World & the Next
Lashon hara offers temporary relief (if that), but no more.
Lashon hara without toelet (even when justified) can make things worse for you, both in This World and the Next.
We acknowledge the very real pain of painful relationships, but we don't use that as an excuse to transgress.
Your good behavior can (maybe) influence the other positively.
Your good behavior sometimes still can't influence the other to behave better or see the good in you.
Act for Hashem's Sake, not for the sake of the other person's ego desires and dysfunction.
"It is difficult to offer general advice because not all people think alike."

Back to Part I

May this post be considered a kaparah for my own falls into lashon hara and may we all be protected from any sins of the tongue.

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Our Latest Research Indicates that Everything We've Been Promoting Based on Our Latest Research...is Wrong!

2/9/2018

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I just got an interesting quote in my Inbox [emphasis mine]:

In fact, we asked the people who participated in our research if they were getting therapy, and we discovered that there was a reasonably high correlation between getting therapy and getting a divorce. It was more likely that couples would get a divorce if they had therapy than if they had no therapy. This was especially true for individual therapy, but it was also true of couple therapy.

John Gottman, The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples

This issue is what has come up on this blog several times.

Conventional "solutions" touted throughout society as "the best" or "the only" solution to problems either don't help, don't help as much as needed, or even harm.

Despite the positive smiley encouraging presentation, such promotion of band-aid methods ultimately leads to despair.

Hashem loves you with a Love that you can't even imagine feeling yourself, no matter how much or how deeply you have ever loved another person. He is the Only One Who truly has your best interests and Who truly cares about you.

And He is the True Healer of all ills.

English-speaking frum media with the noblest of intentions continuously pushes secular solutions to problems, whether it’s therapy, medication, yoga, or anything else solidly recommended in secular society.

As I’ve said before, I think therapy can be helpful depending and I’m not necessarily against psychiatric medication used for very specific reasons for a very limited amount of time. (And according to my reading, yoga isn’t ever kosher even when it’s advertised as “kashered,” so that’s out.)

But even helpful therapy doesn’t usually solve the problem at its core. And its helpfulness depends so much on the chemistry between the therapist and client, how spiritually healthy and emuna-filled the therapist is, how much the therapist actually likes the client and sees the client's God-given potential, plus how much the therapist can help the client develop emuna and carry out a real cheshbon hanefesh...and much more.

Yet the most compassionate, caring, responsible response with which people are constantly bombarded is to encourage a suffering loved one is to "get professional help."

Psychology Problems

Therapy became very popular and acceptable when I was in my preteens. So over the decades, I’ve known many people who’ve gone into it. Yet I’ve rarely seen it do much more than make people feel somewhat better & more confident about themselves (which often did NOT translate into becoming better people).

Furthermore, it has become extremely common and aggressively encouraged in the frum community for people to seek “professional treatment” for everything.

That is considered the responsible response.

Yet mainstream psychology (and psychiatry, for that matter) keep insisting that there is no cure for dysfunctions like personality disorder or bipolar disorder or schizophrenia—despite the fact that people like Dr. William Glasser did cure many of his mentally ill patients at a mental hospital. (So mental illness CAN be curable—why do they insist it’s not? Why offer lifetime despair to mental patients?)

Psychiatry Problems

Psychiatry keeps insisting that psychiatric medications are the only way to treat mental illness despite both anecdotal evidence and a leading psychiatrist’s claims and research evidence that medication actually makes people worse in the long run, not better.

Yes, that’s right.

At the end of a lifetime of official, professional, “responsible” psychiatric treatment, the patient will not even be back to their original starting point of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder or whatever. They’ll be worse.

So how is that "treating" the illness?

As stated before, I don’t see a problem with temporary treatment. I can only imagine what a psychotic episode is like, and maybe someone needs a medicinal “kick” to get them out of a dark tortuous place and into a place where they can ponder their situation, its roots, and how to proceed.

But most (if not all) of what secular society recommends as "treatment" or "responsible" doesn't ultimately heal the problem.

How Did I Get Here?

I used to think therapy was the answer for all emotional ills.

Then I tried therapy. I tried it several short-term times with different therapists over the years for different reasons. Most were either not helpful at all or somewhat helpful, and a couple (the frum female ones) were pretty helpful—yet could not provide me with complete direction. (That needs to come in a quiet place from private discussions with Hashem.)

I also couldn't help noticing that others who'd undergone therapy still suffered from poor morality and psychological issues.

I also believed with all my heart that if I would cleave to a rabbinical-approved chinuch method (as taught by the rabbinically approved rebbetzin) and jump through every hoop insisted (no matter how high or how narrow), then I would succeed in turning out ideal frum children, which was my dearest dream.

(Note: To my knowledge, these authorizing rabbis don't hear the nitty-gritty details of the shitahs presented nor do they hear the stories told for emphasis. The authorizing rabbis go by a basic run-down of the shitah—which will always be presented in a Torah-based way because that's what the person truly believes he or she is doing--and the authorizing rabbis go by the integrity and middot of the person promoting the shitah. But just because the person knows how to deal with her own children or students doesn't mean that she knows how to deal with other people's children or even with other people who are very different than her.)

The books that helped me break away from the chinuch loop were (in the order I discovered them):

Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery by Riso & Hudson (helped me realize that much chinuch advice either does nothing or is the opposite of what a Type 8 child needs and can even worsen that child’s behavior)
The Case Against Adolescence: Rediscovering the Adult in Every Teen by Dr. Robert Epstein (validated a lot of my own against-the-stream observations since high school and proved that most “adolescent” behavior is actually culturally induced rather than the much-touted "teen brain"; also one of the only secular books of this type that not only doesn’t put down Judaism, Torah, etc, but even admires authentic Judaism)
Garden of Education by Rav Shalom Arush (this made me throw out every other chinuch book; it was all I needed)
Yeladim Mutzlachim by Rav Shalom Arush (its collection of prayers for chinuch is invaluable; and using historical examples of Gedolei Hador from all groups, it proves the importance of prayer and spiritual inner work for raising children)

And needless to say, both my children and I are still works in progress. None of us are perfect and we never will be. And because I'm far from tzidkus, I struggle with implementing the authentic Jewish mussar as I should. Yet at least I'm bumbling up the right path; I wasn't before.

Why Chinuch Advice Often Doesn't Work

Being human, all therapists run into their own limitations at some point. Their blind spots (which every human possesses) will eventually block you, their client.

Furthermore, when I was in the chinuch loop, I discovered that many chinuch advisors don’t really possess the spiritual foundation and expanded mind to truly help parents raise their children.

For example:

For complex reasons (some unfathomable in our 3-dimentional world), Hashem placed specific children with specific parents for everyone’s benefit, pre-determining struggles and conflicts (along with harmony and suitability) beforehand.
Because they are only human, chinuch advisors can make some accurate observations based on their experience, but they will always miss other things simply because they are human and cannot see everything that Hashem sees. (And sometimes, what they miss is exactly what the parent needs to know for that child.)
Hashem gifted each parent with the wisdom & insight to raise each child; therefore, a chinuch advisor’s job is to draw out that wisdom and insight, not to impose the chinuch advisor’s “solutions” onto the parents. However, this is much more complex and demands much more emotional and mental stamina than imposing shitahs.
Switching methods can lead to temporary relief, but using the child’s undesirable behavior as a springboard for a parent’s cheshbon hanefesh and consequent teshuvah is a million times more likely to lead to improvement in the child’s behavior ON ITS OWN. (Although nothing is guaranteed because we don't know Hashem's Plan for us.)
Children’s aberrant behavior is more likely a reflection of the parents’ middot on some level, and less likely a reflection of specific methods used.

As just one example of the last point:
A bullying child is most likely a reflection of a parent’s bullying tendency, even if this tendency is nearly unperceivable and not consciously or practically witnessed by either the child or the parent. (Meaning, maybe the parent is unconsciously and subtly bullying an adult sibling, but the bullying isn't expressed anywhere else or at anyone else—yes, the message can be that subtle.)

This COULD also mean that the child experiences bullying by a parent, but it doesn’t HAVE to mean that.

Having said all that, the majority of chinuch advisors definitely deserve an A+ for good intentions.

They stretch to the limits their patience and energy to help desperate & struggling (or arrogant & obstinate) parents and their children. But they can also accidentally harm as much as they help. (Or even harm more than they help, depending.)

Why?

Because chinuch methods aren't generally based on Torah hashkafah. Some methods can be adapted to Torah hashkafah, but the goals set in Mishlei and mussar sefarim aren't necessarily the goals of the chinuch class.

(The main goal for your child, BTW, is for them to fulfill their soul-potential and get them into the best Olam Haba possible, may everyone live in good health until 120.)

The majority of chinuch advisors unknowingly hold views based on 1 of the following:

Post-Sixties methods created (and continuously re-adjusted) by anti-Torah Liberals and Leftists with either secular Leftist or Far Eastern "spiritual" agendas
Pre-Sixties methods created by secular sick anti-Torah elitists and eugenicists
People with ulterior agendas posited as “good for the child!” but were originally a stab at temporarily improving the economy or lowering employment or whatever.

How Do You Define "Better"?

Regarding therapy, I couldn’t help seeing that therapy often made people feel better, but not act better. For example, one secular person I knew went to a top-rated secular psychologist when she felt suicidal. He managed to cure of her desire to kill herself, yet not her penchant for pritzadik behavior (including an affair with a married man), nasty acts of revenge, and so on. But yes, she did feel much better about herself.

(And that doesn't even begin to cover the people who felt worse after therapy.)

That’s just one example. There are a lot more.

Likewise, I’ve noticed so many people jump from therapist to therapist and from method to method. While therapists defend therapy by saying it can only help those who want to be helped and are willing to do the inner work—and this is true—because this is true, people are better off just doing it with Hashem.

Hashem truly loves us and knows everything about us. In fact, any bad middot you discover were planted there BY HASHEM in the first place, so rather than blaming yourself, you can just flip it back to Hashem and say, “YUCK. I don’t want this! Ugh, what an absolutely awful middah. Take it back—please, take it back!”

(Don’t worry. He loves it when you do this. That’s the whole point of your existence and why He put you here in the first place. World of Tikkun!)

Who are You Following?

So what is the point of this post?

The point is that we are inundated from all sides by advice to use secular (or secular-based with a frum twist) treatment for our emotional, psychological, mental, and relationship problems. And in the frum media, they promote this based on secular research (with the best of intentions; they genuinely want to help).

Yet that same secular research is itself coming out and saying:
“THIS ULTIMATELY DOES NOT WORK.”

So who are you going to listen to?

The “I’M the ultimate solution—right over here!” and “THIS ULTIMATELY DOES NOT WORK” are both coming from the same source (secular science and research).

So who are you going to listen to?

Or, rather Who are you going to listen to?

Related Posts
By Dr. Zev Ballen:
The True Doctor of the Soul
The Therapeutic Wasteland
The Origins of Emuna Coaching
Do You NLP? (please make sure to read Chaim's valuable comments at the end)
______
Anti-Depressant Use Leads to Worse Long-Term Outcomes
Does Long-Term Use of Psychiatric Drugs Cause More Harm Than Good?
Psychiatrist Says: More Psychiatry Means More Shootings
______
Myrtle Rising Chinuch Posts
______
For Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender's advice on beneficial listening and how a true friend should behave, please search through Posts on Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender.
______
What is the World of Tikkun?

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Reaching Back to the Original Nature & Nurture

An Eye-Opening Experience at an Israeli Men's Prison

Insularity can be Fun!

Tsniut Saves from Death

A Combined Message from Galut Yishmael within Galut Edom

Here's Part of the Message...

Personal Royalty

Don't Forget This Part of Meal-Planning

Which Building is Really Built to Last?

What Kind of Home are We Creating?

Parshat Korach 2: Your Mind is Forever

"To create a mind, that’s our job in life. And that’s the most important business we can do in this world."

Parshat Chukat: The Reality of the Next World

​​"Because there is a road, a true road to happiness. ​The road to Olam Habah is the winding road without any deceptions."

"Be a propagandist for Hakodosh Boruch Hu."

Home, Sweet Home!

Raising Children to Love Judaism

Tefillah: A Woman's True Tafkid

What is the Worst Thing a Parent or Spouse Can Do?

Success Needs Planning

Education: Prepared for What?

Why Target Davka the Torah Education?

Doing What's REALLY Best for Your Child

Being "Real" -- for Real

When Separation is Good

No More Blame Game

General Advice for Relatives

Ladies First: Advice for Wives

Advice for Husbands

Advice for Children-in-Law

For Parents-in-Law

Advice for Parents Still Raising Children

Why "Getting It Off Your Chest" Ultimately Doesn't Help

Psychology Problems

Psychiatry Problems

How Did I Get Here?

Why Chinuch Advice Often Doesn't Work

How Do You Define "Better"?

Who are You Following?

Myrtle Rising

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"Because there is a road, a true road to happiness. The road to Olam Habah is the winding road without any deceptions."