Category: Chinuch

What You Didn't Know about Odd Gemaras & What Your Yearnings Really Mean: Rav Avigdor Miller on Some Heavy-Duty Concepts in Parshat Korach & Parshat Chukat

4/7/2019

Parshat Korach 2: Your Mind is Forever

For our brothers & sisters in chutz l'Aretz, Toras Avigdor has produced Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah on Parshat Korach 2: Your Mind is Forever.

And it's a real geshmakeh doozy.

Rav Miller describes aspects of Gehinnom, sheds light on strange stories from the Gemara (like raising Bilam from dead to talk to him and the conversations of 2 dead girls in a cemetery), and delves into the importance of doing teshuvah NOW.

Even if you think you can't keep up a better behavior, try anyway. Whatever you do is really, really good.

And as always, Rav Miller fights the good fight against the tsunami of anti-Torah culture:

There’s a whole outside world of gentiles and secular Jews, and every second, their sewage is pouring into our world.

And therefore we have to stand guard day and night over our minds.

Think about how unequal of a contest this is.

Because how much yiras shomayim are we really pouring into our minds day and night?

How many exhortations to tzniyus are your wives hearing from the novels they read?

How many Torah ideals are you hearing on the radio?

How much do English teachers in the yeshiva high schools urge the boy to become great talmidei chachomim and to spend their free time studying Torah?

How many billboards do you see warning you to be careful with lashon hora, and urging you to do chesed and mitzvos?

All you see is the opposite.

With even very bad things becoming the norm, or even considered good nowadays, we need to ponder how much we're being affected by sources formally considered neutral.

Even listening to right-wing conservative religious pundits or reading their articles is a problem. Maybe you need it for something in particular l'to'elet. But despite their good intentions, these pundits have been very influenced by Leftist values.

Nowadays, even Right-wing conservative religious pundits dress like cocktail waitresses (if they're women), encourage mechanisms to prevent pregnancy in pre-marital relationships rather than encouraging abstinence until marriage, cuss like sailors, and other behaviors that would've been considered indecent even by liberals in our grandparents' time.

Not to mention the Jew-hatred at the edges of the conservative religious Right.

With the Leftist hatred of God-based morality in general and its anti-Israel stance, plus its love of fake science, the Left has always been a force against the Jewish people.

But the Right also has its bigots. And many on the Right cannot accept that church-attendees did not replace the Jewish People as the Am Segulah and cannot differentiate between the profoundly assimilated Erev Rav-esque Jews (who muck around in Leftist garbage) and the genuinely searching or committed Jews.

So we need to guard our minds.

As Rav Miller continues:

The outside world is pouring in all types of filth and we’re not pouring kedusha into ourselves, it’s a very unfair contest.

But even if we would be pouring into ourselves Torah and yiras shomayim day and night...All day long you’re cramming your head with Chovos Halevavos [Duties of the Heart].

It’s a good thing by the way - even one drop is a good medicine.

But if at the same time the sewage is pouring in too, then what good is it?

You have the best wine, the most expensive wine, and you pour it into a cup that’s filthy with mud, a cup that’s crawling with bacteria and worms, so what kind of taste will it have?

"To create a mind, that’s our job in life. And that’s the most important business we can do in this world."

Even if you're in Eretz Yisrael and already went through Parshat Korach, it's very worthwhile reading what Rav Miller has to say because he explains things you might have always wondered about and he also gives very good mussar for the very real challenges we face today.

Let's get to work creating wonderful minds for ourselves!

Parshat Chukat: The Reality of the Next World

In Parshas Chukas: The Reality of the Next World, Rav Miller goes into detail about why Judaism insists on burying a body a soon as possible. It's not the entire reason, but he details why it's good for US to do it quickly.

He talks about tumah, defilement of the mind.

Then he elucidates one of those Gemaras (Brachot 44a) that apikorsim and Jew-haters love to hold up as an example of Talmudic weirdness and impropriety.

As usual, there are layers of meaning beneath the surface.

People who insist on taking such Gemaras at face-value are either ignorant or looking for excuses for their apikorsut.

Either way, it's only something that really dumb and disingenuous people do.

And Rav Miller draws the curtain aside to show us what's really going on behind the scenes.

Clarification: Not understanding the Gemara is fine. That's honest. Yeah, I also didn't know anything about the underlying meaning of all that fruit-eating until Rav Miller explained it. But using the superficial translation of it to fuel Jew-hatred or apikorsut indicates a dumb and disingenuous person. That's all.

And even our seemingly This-World yearnings derive from a deeper source in the soul.

Rav Miller says:

Or let's say you're standing on a country road, and you look down the road and it's winding down for miles and miles.

And you're thinking, “I'd like to travel on this road, to see what's doing at the other end.”

That yearning is real!

That yearning for travel, “I'd like to go and travel down this winding road,” should be a symbol for us.

"Because there is a road, a true road to happiness. The road to Olam Habah is the winding road without any deceptions."

Hakodosh Boruch Hu is not deceiving us.

The road of your life leads somewhere.

Our life is a road that leads to a much greater destination than any other road.

Our desires to travel down the road, to sail to the horizon at the edge of the sea, to find the end of the rainbow - these are all yearnings rooted in a much holier yearning, to remind us for what we really need to yearn.

All the pleasures of this world: extravagant weddings, continental breakfasts, chocolate cake and a shluf on Shabbos, a sparkling home, scrumptious food...these are just allegories for Olam Haba to make us yearn for a good portion in Olam Haba and to motivate us to do what we must to get there.

Focusing on Olam Haba creates joy and prevents suicide and all sorts of problems.

A person focused on utilizing This World for the Next remains silent in the face of anger, criticism, and foolishness - including when they come from one's own spouse.

But we need to talk about it a lot.

Once, after Rav Miller mentioned Olam Haba in several lectures, a man burst out: “What's this that you're mentioning Olam Habah, Olam Habah. You sound like a little girl.”

What a humiliating way to speak to a talmid chacham.

But Rav Miller just kept on going with what he knew was right.

This dvar Torah also presents ways to inculcate a desire for Olam Haba in children, whether you're a teacher or a parent.

"Be a propagandist for Hakodosh Boruch Hu."

And all that Rav Miller writes in Parshat Chukat is connected to the Parah Adumah.

So if you want a better understanding of an unfathomable aspect of Torah, this dvar Torah is worth a good solid perusal.

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What is a Clean Tongue?

20/5/2019

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A huge blindspot today is language.

Foul words have entered everyday vocabulary, with today's grandmothers using the very words (or worse) for which she originally washed out her own child's mouth with soap as a mother only 3 decades ago.

This can be true in parts of modern frum society too sometimes.

Foul English words have also entered Israeli Hebrew as slang (because they don't know what they're actually saying & because cussing in a foreign language doesn't have the same jolt). Even some frum Israelis end up using this vulgar English as slang within their modern Hebrew.

However, Judaism insists not only on non-vulgar language, but on refined language in general.

When asked about lashon nekiyah - clean language or a clean tongue - Rav Avigdor Miller mentioned the words mothers traditionally forbade their children.

Then he goes a step deeper and discusses refined language in general - "mindful speech," if you will.

For example, he explains, in Slabodka where he learned, they never said the word shlecht, which is Yiddish for "bad."

They never said the word shlecht. Never. I was there six years. Six years – and they never said the word shlecht. “Not good,” they would say. But they never said shlecht. They never referred to a goy as a “sheigetz.”

Because that’s a Sheketz. The word “sheigetz” comes from the word sheketz a disgusting creature. “Sheigetz” is sheketz. But a goy is not a sheketz. He’s a tzelem Elokim...

The word “sheigetz” is never found in Slabodka language.

So, in a good environment, if you make sure to stay in stay in a good environment, you’ll pick up what is called lashon nekiyah.

Tape #E-167

And that's worth chewing over.

Related link:
Try This: No Swearing for One Week

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Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Metzora

11/4/2019

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As usual, Rav Miller's dvar Torah on Parshat Metzora: The Aristocratic Home (which, as always, could not come about without the efforts & permission of Toras Avigdor) is one long & vividly detailed list of gratitude -- this time, gratitude for the chessed of living in a house.

With vivid descriptions and bring-a-smile-to-your-face wit, Rav Miller brings house-appreciation to life: walls, roofs, indoor plumbing...it's all a wonderful gift!

Yet as always, Rav Miller remains balanced even within his gratitude (which is actually also a part of gratitude).

For example, upon caught in falling snow, Rav Miller's walking companion takes a gratitude-attitude toward the snow by declaring "Snow is like ice cream!"

It is. Add sugar and flavoring, and you've got a ready-made sno-cone.

Rav Miller approves of his companion's comment, yet makes the following observation:

“You are correct, that’s a wonderful idea - but ice cream in your ears is not comfortable.”

We appreciate the snow, but we appreciate umbrellas too! So we’ll stand on this side of the wall and we’ll enjoy the rain and snow and cold. Of course, we enjoy it; but we don’t have to dive into it.

Being caught unprepared in falling snow (especially if it's wet) has its positive aspects because everything Hashem does is for the best.

But we needn't lie to ourselves and pretend that something uncomfortable is comfortable.

And we can use that honest observation for even more gratitude:
Thank God we have a home to go to where we can enjoy the snow in a protected environment!

Home, Sweet Home!

And a shiur on the value of a home isn't complete without emphasizing that the home is the place where we should be on our best behavior, not our worst behavior.

(He presents the Telzer Rav's exemplary behavior at home as an example.)

And here's some practical advice to meet this lofty goal:

And therefore in a Jewish home it is of utmost importance to live up to the idea that we are bnei melachim [children of kings].

Before every move made in the home, they consult in their minds the model supplied by the awareness of their royalty; what they think royalty would do in such a case.

A man and woman in the home should always be thinking: “What are the royal manners and the aristocratic ideals that should reign in the Jewish home?”

Of course, we are all human beings and we can’t imagine that we will succeed in one fell swoop, but we have to always be aware of the perfection we are striving for.

And it is those homes where this is kept in mind always that will never have to be plagued by the warning and lessons of tzara’as.

He elaborates on this concept and how to fulfill this ideal at length, which gives me quite a lot of food for thought.

Raising Children to Love Judaism

But Rav Miller is always a realist.

He knows that the internalization of Jewish values doesn't happen in one go.

Chinuch is about a steady drip-drip-drip of Torah hashkafah against our hearts of stone.

Children don't respond as you'd wish.

But the seed of the idea has been planted.

As Rav Miller describes:

Sit down and talk for a couple of minutes about yomtiv [a Jewish holiday]; tell the children, “Let’s sing the song Atah Bichartanu, or a different niggun.”

And then say, suggest to them, “Kids, aren’t we having a good time, kinderlach?”

And they all chime in, “Yes. Now let’s go to the zoo!”

But that’s excellent - you accomplished your mission! Because those few minutes have laid a foundation.

Rav Miller went out of his way to make Jewish holidays and rituals exciting, not just for his own children, but for his grandchildren and even the neighbors' children.

Rav Miller's dvar Torah gives several examples, but my favorite is adding chocolate to the search for chametz Erev Pesach.

Tefillah: A Woman's True Tafkid

Rav Miller emphasizes the importance of women's prayers:

The home should be a place of tefillah and it is the mother who must present herself as the symbol of prayer, the model of tefilah for the Am Yisroel.

Now, she can’t stand and pray long prayers; she’s busy with a lot of things in the house.

But the mother must be a mother of prayer.

Our mothers always prayed a great deal; a Jewish mother should pray even more than a man prays...A Jewish mother in the home should be turning to Hashem all day long.

The old-time Jewish women had a handbook of prayers - prayers for everything, for every kind of eventuality. She would be praying for help in the home, that her supper should come out tasting delicious. Or for a child who is not well and for a child who is not going exactly on the straight path.

Today too, a mother prays constantly that the washing machine shouldn’t break down, that her husband should earn a livelihood, that he should find favor in the eyes of his boss and get a raise.

So besides the fact that immediately, the first thing in the morning when the children wake up, they hear, “Abba is davening in shul; Abba’s learning.”

The children are always asking, “Did Totty come back from shul yet?”

And the mother tells them, “Totty is in shul talking to Hashem; he’ll be home soon.”

That’s how the Jewish home starts out every day, but besides for that, the mother spends the rest of the day absorbed in speaking to Hashem about everything.

And here's some lost but precious advice:

In the olden days the Jewish mother actually was a symbol of prayer even more than the husband; it’s something that’s forgotten today but that is one of the greatest achievements in a Jewish home.

A Jewish mother should always be praying and the children who grow up with that know that their house is a home where Hashem resides.

The aristocratic Jewish home actually became a Beis Hamikdash.

What is the Worst Thing a Parent or Spouse Can Do?

And here is a key warning:

Complaining is one of the forms of breaking down a home.

Even if there is no quarrel between husband and wife and even if the children are behaving and are loyal, if there is a complaining person in the house – if the mother or father complain frequently – then the morale in the house is broken.

You cannot have a successful home, even a non-Jewish home, if there is complaining.

This really spoke to me because I knew a family that looks wonderful and everyone comments on how aidel and refined the parents are, and the kids all went to respected Yiddish schools that turn out solid chassidish alumni, yet 2 kids seem mostly off-the-derech. The mother is very calm and consistent and lives by emuna.

The parents seem to get along just fine.

Yet one boy goes without his kippah & smokes pot while his sister smokes cigarettes and wears jeans downtown at night.

Everyone was mystified that this couple has 2 children acting out in this manner.

Yet quite by accident, I overheard their father kvetching in such a pathetic whiny way to his wife. His wife tried to respond with pleasant grace, but he insisted on whining and then she just fixed her face into a smile without responding further, except for a pleasant repetition of: "Hmm. Well, I don't know. Mm. I don't know."

I was shocked because what was the father complaining about? An acquaintance had given him a big compliment, a big thank-you and verbal gesture of appreciation and honor. And the father was dissecting it for negativity. "What did he mean by that? But what did he say it like THAT? I mean, was he thinking this-or-this? What was it? But what did he mean exactly? I don't get it."

In addition to verbally pummeling his wife in this manner (she couldn't reassure him enough and the husband irrationally refused to accept her logical and true interpretation of the complimentary words), it's intolerable to live with a person who cannot deal with even the most positive behavior without shredding it apart for negativity.

Such people can suck out any vitality or meaning to life.

Success Needs Planning

This isn't the end of the dvar Torah, but I'll just end the post with a final quote from Rav Miller:

But to be a success, needs planning.

And don’t think it’s not going to repay you.

The happiness, the satisfaction of a successful day in the house is a reward without end.

It’s a reward in this world and it’s a reward forever and ever in Olam Haba.

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Jewish Education in a Crisis of Hypocrisy

30/12/2018

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Recently, New York state has started cracking down on the secular curriculum of frum schools.

You can read a very good defense of this HERE.

Education: Prepared for What?

One of the strongest arguments against the claim that frum schools don’t prepare their students properly to compete for a high academic education in the non-Jewish world is that yes, the frum schools always have and will continue to emphasize Torah knowledge and values over secular ones.

That’s their purpose.

And yes, until Mashiach comes, there will always be resentful alumni who feel that the frum system held them back and forced them to work harder to catch up with their secular counterparts and, in general, caused them a great deal of unhappiness and frustration. Some even say it was like growing up in a cult.

Likewise, until Mashiach comes, there will also always be Jews like me who feel that a non-Torah (whether assimilated, Christian, Conservative, or Reform) upbringing held us back (and caused us to make extremely harmful decisions that can never be taken back), and forced us to work harder to catch up with our frummer counterparts and, in general, caused us a great deal of unhappiness and frustration. Some (like me) even say it was like growing up in a cult.

Some people start on a higher floor than others. Many people feel they got a wonky start to life.

Hashem gives everyone the challenges they need to grow in the way best for their neshamah and to complete certain tikkunim.

That’s no comfort to those who don’t accept the idea of a Wholly Omnipotent All-Knowing & All-Compassionate Creator or the idea of the exalted human soul, but this is nonetheless the Truth, whether people choose to believe it or not.

So that’s Argument #1.

Why Target Davka the Torah Education?

Another point is that of being specifically anti-Jewish—specifically anti-Torah.

Throughout Jewish history, you find that Jew-haters specifically leech onto the idea that the Jew must be absolutely perfect at all times. Everyone else’s sins can be forgiven, but not the Jew’s—especially the sins of the Torah Jew.

And no matter how bestial and evil the acts of anyone else, and no matter how light and less the mistakes of the Torah Jew, everyone else’s brutal deeds are ignored and the relatively light lackings of the Torah Jews are spotlighted and magnified.

This is done on a national level with the world against the State of Israel and this is done on an individual level or a group level. This is done by non-Jews and also by self-hating Jews.

And it’s a historical pattern.

So for example, I attended American public schools with barely a Jew in the school. Luckily, my elementary school education caught the tail-end of the last decent American teachers. These were mostly women in their fifties and sixties who knew had to control a classroom and how to get the necessary information into our heads—even if we didn’t like that subject or weren’t good at it.

So I actually learned skills that I still use now, like spelling, reading, printing, cursive, memorized multiplication tables, proper sentence structure, geography, the names and locations of capital cities, and so on.

But after sixth grade, I’m not sure I learned much. The most educational lesson I remember from junior and high school graduation is from an English teacher (whom I really disliked) who emphasized the importance of varied sentence openings and avoiding passive voice in writing. That’s good advice that I still utilize today.

And that’s basically it.

The junior high I attended drew a crowd from neighborhoods that didn’t take school or decent behavior seriously.

I remember water balloon fights in the back of the classroom during a math lesson and a seventh-grade boy who regular came to school drunk by 8 in the morning. One girl had to deal with growing up as the biracial daughter of a white unwed mother, which was still unusual at that time in that place. (It actually took me a year to realize that she was biracial and the result of an out-of-wedlock pregnancy, and no one ever said anything to her about either issue—I only figured it out because of her extreme self-consciousness about it.) Another girl confided in a teacher that her stepfather had thrown all her clothes into the fire place—while there was a fire going. And yet another boasted that she’d chased her mother around the house with a knife.

It was also the first time I realized that nothing really horrible happened if you didn’t do your homework.

Due to peer pressure (the long-haired punks actually jeered at you out loud in front of everyone if you handed in your homework), a math class that started the year with almost everyone (except 2 students) handing in their homework saw only 3 or 4 students handing in their homework by spring.

Most of the teachers were also older and experienced, but struggled to teach uninterested kids from dysfunctional families. The long-haired, neglected youth wearing heavy metal T-shirts were a far cry from the more clean-cut student body these teachers had started out with in the Fifties & Sixties. And when they were actually allowed to teach, they did quite a good job.

Another problem with some older teachers is that age brings its own challenges.

Your friends and family members start dying. Both you and them suffer health problems and decreased energy. One English teacher constantly looked like he was on the verge of tears throughout the 2 years I attended. One day, his students decided to open the drawer of his desk. They found a best-selling non-fiction book of indecency and a six-pack of beer. That teacher later died of AIDS.

Perhaps if their students & surrounding culture had been halfway decent, the teachers would have been able to set their personal problems aside and focus just on teaching. But everything together was too overwhelming.

The art teacher exploded every so often and stated outright that he wished he could just quit already, but was waiting out the next couple of years until retirement so as not to decrease his pension.

High school was better than junior high, but not of the same quality as elementary school.

And this increasing failure of schools to teach is endemic throughout America.

Just as one example, a professor who teaches at a state university once told me that her students sometimes resent her because she forces them to re-do their work until it’s written properly. Sometimes, students must re-do the same assignment 4 or 5 times. Having attended public school herself, she receives their complaints with understanding.

And she tells them: “I know you see me as being mean and unfair. I know that it seems especially unfair because I’m not even your English professor, so why am I making a big deal about your writing when your English professor doesn’t even do that? I know that you’ve never had a teacher or professor do this to you before—and that’s exactly why I do it. I’m afraid that if I don’t teach you how to write, no one will. All I’m doing is teaching you what your teachers should have taught you already. I’m afraid you’ll graduate college without ever learning how to write.”

Yeah, this professor officially teaches the history of ancient Greece & Rome, but she needs to teach her students English composition too because no one else has and no one else will.

But who cares about the entire country? Let’s only go after the yeshivah schools for not having an up-to-par secular curriculum!

Well, you might say, private schools are doing the job. And frum schools are private schools.

The thing is that private schools do teach certain basics like English and math better than public schools, but they mix in a lot of garbage too. Many are highly politicized. For example, students will graduate with the conviction that evolutionary theory is absolutely true and that man-made global warming is not only completely true, but one of the most pressing problems facing mankind today (AND that it can be reversed).

And many private-school students also come out with poor middot and values. Society doesn’t care, especially since mainstream media and entertainment adore these poor values and middot. But it’s still a problem whether you recognize it or not.

One such problem is that the faculty for private schools and schools for the gifted condition their students into an elitist mentality.

This mentality makes for a very poor work ethic. Why? Because these people feel entitled to high-paying high-level jobs while doing the very minimum required of their position. To their mind, anything beyond the bare minimum is for peons and therefore, they dump all the rest onto their overworked underlings.

(If you look at struggling or failed institutions and businesses, you’ll see that this is often the underlying dynamic.)

I didn’t say that all products of such schooling behave this way. There are some stunning exceptions. But many do possess this elitist real-work-is-for-peons mentality.

So there are 2 major problems crippling America’s educational system:

A school system that does not teach proper fundamentals (while emphasizing social mores and unproven theories)
An elitist-entitlement mentality that discourages a healthy work ethic

But hey, let’s ignore all that and go after the less than 1%!

So the point is that the secular curriculum among frum schools is the least of America’s problems within its educational system

Yet they’re targeting the frum school system.

And we know what that really means.

Related articles:
Jewish Education in Crisis—Leave Our Yeshivos Alone. Period.
Jewish Education in Crisis – A Torah Perspective
Could You Pass the 8th-Grade Exam of 1895?
The Decline of American Education
Creating a Victim Mentality: A How-To Guide

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The Real Purpose of a Home & Family

5/12/2018

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Several years ago, Hamodia printed a column in which Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller contrasted 2 different mother-daughter relationships.

In one scenario, the mother allowed her teenage daughter to pour out her heart and thoughts with no restraint. The daughter discussed her perceptions of other people using their names and any other identifying information without a second thought. Both the mother and the daughter viewed their relationship as “close” and one of sharing.

Yet Rebbetzin Heller noted that a relationship based on lashon hara doesn’t possess genuine intimacy.

In contrast, she described a relationship in which the mother and daughter felt close to each other, but the mother allowed the daughter to discuss others only when necessary and without names or any other identifying details (unless there was a to’elet—a beneficial purpose—in revealing these details).

This revolutionary (for me at that time) idea struck me because I hadn’t considered that placing boundaries on a child’s conversation could still facilitate a close relationship with that child. My own children were still young at that time and Hashem led me to read this column before I needed to—which was great preparation for my future relationship with them.

Even now, it’s surprising how much a child can confide without telling me anything more identifying than “a classmate of mine” or “a kid in the neighborhood.”

Yes, sometimes names and identifying details need to be revealed, but not usually. And even when the child can’t avoid telling you who’s bothering them, the other laws of lashon hara l’to’elet need to be observed.

There are no hard-and-fast rules about this. Age, for example, can be a deciding factor. Child-parent discussions involving lashon hara l’to’elet occur at the parents’ discretion and since it’s impossible to be perfect about this, you just give it your best shot based on whatever knowledge you have of the situation and the halacha.

But I’d grown up with the modern child psychology that children need all their feelings validated and that any lashon hara they spoke was automatically l’to’elet because a child “needs” that outlet in the parent.

However, one thing that Judaism (and Rebbetzin Heller’s column) emphasizes is how the home is really training ground to bring out your child’s soul-potential.

Our job as parents is to train the child to be the best he or she can be and consequently earn the best Olam Haba possible.

The only way to do this is to do the following:

First, as parents, work on our own middot.
Secondly, to train our children to adhere to halacha.

And while I knew that “being friends” with one’s child is not good for them, I had a harder time breaking away from the idea that children need to be happy and a parent needs to build a child’s self-esteem. It didn’t help that many very well-meaning chinuch “experts” opined that a happy child-parent relationship was necessary to prevent children from going off the derech. The child needed to feel loved and also love the parents.

It sounds so nice and logical. What could be the problem with it?

Doing What's REALLY Best for Your Child

As one rebbetzin explained to me in my early years of motherhood, a parent cannot focus on making a child happy.

A parent must focus on doing what’s best for the child, regardless of how hard that is for the parent or how much the child dislikes it. Determining parental success or failure by how the child feels about the parent creates a recipe for disaster.
(You can see more details about that exchange in Allowing Others Their Own Life Journey.)

Also, what I didn't realize back then was that self-esteem cannot be given, it can only be earned by a person through making moral choices and taking the higher road (even if it's only a tad higher than the road everyone else is taking).

In other words, parents can teach their children how to earn & cultivate their own self-esteem, but parents cannot give their children self-esteem.

And yeah, I'm still cleaning up the mess from having gone with the child psychology of the 80s & 90s.

(Fortunately, Hashem helps.)

Furthermore, it's not hard to notice that many children with seemingly close & friendly relationships with their parents grew distant or even angry at their parents later while many strictly raised children ended up becoming close and appreciative of their parents later.

Yes, parents whose strictness is based on being control-freaks or who are too lazy to say yes when saying no is easier have given firm boundaries & high expectations a bad reputation. But those parents aren’t doing what’s best for the child; they are simply indulging their own bad middot and ignoring their children’s feelings for their own convenience while pretending they are being responsible parents.

But to parent wisely, the only question that needs to be answered is:
What is BEST for my child?

Not what makes me, the parent, happier. And not what makes the child happier. But is BEST?

This actually takes enormous self-discipline, self-honesty, and most of all:
Copious prayer.

And it is the real challenge of parenthood.

May we all succeed in raising our children according to their derech and may both we and Hashem receive a lot of nachat d'kedushah from them.

Here are some helpful halachic Q&A regarding lashon hara between parents and children:
hamodia.com/columns/mishmeres-hasholom-ask-rav-151/
https://hamodia.com/columns/mishmeres-hasholom-ask-rav-140/
https://hamodia.com/columns/mishmeres-hasholom-ask-rav-137/
https://hamodia.com/columns/mishmeres-hasholom-ask-rav-136/

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Part II: When Honesty Stops Being a Virtue

10/10/2018

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Back to Part I

I want to start off by reiterating that the Pele Yoetz was a very holy and knowledgeable Jew who chose to die of plague in order to spare his community of suffering that same plague. He strove for honesty and yosher in every aspect of life.

And as much as he felt the pain of his fellow Jews in whatever difficult interpersonal situation they found themselves, the Pele Yoetz maintained equal awareness that Olam Haba is a very real place, and that rising to the occasion by overcoming your bad middot earns you a goodly portion in Olam Haba while giving in to your lower instincts and emotions can land you in a lot of trouble with Heavenly Judgement.

With this in mind, much of the his advice flies in the face of what our secular-influenced culture tells us now. Yet you’ll see that the Pele Yoetz’s advice follows the actual halacha.

In other words:

The Pele Yoetz understands your pain.
The Pele Yoetz also understands that Hashem is behind the difficult situations.
The Pele Yoetz has an excellent idea of exactly how awful Gehinnom is and how marvelous Gan Eden is.
The Pele Yoetz VERY MUCH wants people to avoid Gehinnom.
So the Pele Yoetz tailors his advice to help people avoid Gehinnom in their Olam Haba because he feels that suffering Gehinnom in This World is more than enough.

Remember, the Pele Yoetz himself was willing to suffer the plague for several weeks and then die so that no one else would need to suffer the same fate (including those very difficult people who might actually deserve such a fate).

And this final point:
The Pele Yoetz focuses on your present and future behavior.

He barely focuses on external causes because despite your upbringing and many other factors, you still have the capacity to behave with good middot or you wouldn't be commanded to do so.

Needless to say, I struggle with the above as much as anyone else. Sometimes, I do my best to maintain my middot and succeed, but sometimes I fail. That's how it goes. I publish the Pele Yoetz's advice for myself as much as anyone else.

Secular modern psychology is atheistic, even if many psychologists aren’t actual atheists. So psychology focuses on the surface-level emotional well-being of the client rather than on the client’s soul and future well-being once the soul leaves the body.

Also, no therapist is going to be as mosser nefesh for you as the Pele Yoetz.

Your therapist will never take your Heavenly Punishment upon his- or herself like the Pele Yoetz did for his errant brethren.

So it's best to listen to him as much as we can.

Being "Real" -- for Real

Rav Avrohom Ehrman’s book Journey to Virtue notes that part of fulfilling the mitzvah of v’ahavta l’re’echa kamocha (love your neighbor as yourself) includes (but is not limited to):

Speak only in a positive manner about others.
Show the same degree of concern for their honor as you do your own.
Camouflage their deficiencies just as we would wish our own faults to be overlooked.

The above is admittedly VERY HARD to do with people who treat you badly.

Modern society accuses people of being "fake" or "in denial" or "Pollyanna" or "a stooge" when they do things like only speak positively of others or camouflage other people's deficiencies.

Yet that's only true when your INTENTION is to cover up for a bad guy who uses your cover to keep hurting others. It's true when prefer to disassociate and actually pretend nothing in wrong and continue neglecting yourself or others, or if you're trying to be a goody-two-shoes.

In Judaism, you don't pretend that bad is good. (That's chanifah -- totally forbidden.)

You simply emphasize the good.

However, when your intention is to remain well-aware, but commit to HASHEM'S value system and follow the above strictures with integrity, then that's being more REAL than anything else.

Remember, as elucidated in a past post, Judaism considers the whole truth told only when the positive is included.

Modern society is the exact opposite. Truth is only when the negative is included.

When Separation is Good

And of course, there are the little known halachot of keeping away from people who repeatedly sin, display bad middot, etc., so as not to be influenced or harmed by them.

The Pele Yoetz himself urges family members who cannot get along (i.e., adult children & their parents, children-in-law & parents-in-law) to refrain from spending much time together and even from sitting together at gatherings, if necessary.

This separation from impossibly difficult situations includes helping a very abused wife get divorced if she so desires, calling this divorce assistance “a very great mitzvah” -- meaning, you'll increase your reward in Olam Haba by helping her.

On the other hand, the Pele Yoetz emphasizes that such relationships are from Hashem. So therefore: Rising to the occasion accrues generous reward (though he doesn’t promise you’ll see that reward in this lifetime).

This was a very complex post to put together because the Pele Yoetz acknowledges both the awful reality of some people’s behavior together with the unknowable Divine Plan behind putting you together with such people.

And he discusses both the spiritual reasons along with the here-and-now reasons as motivation to rise to the occasion when dealing with difficult people.

But his MAIN FOCUS is on CORRECT BEHAVIOR. He openly acknowledges that correct behavior may not influence the difficult person to behave better. He says that it can, but it doesn't necessarily.

This approach is very different than the approach even many frum advisors use today, so it can take time to internalize the Pele Yoetz's message because it initially feels like sandpaper-rubbing rather than a loving caress.

So it’s all together and that makes it difficult to sum things up (especially on a computer screen where the eye naturally skims the information rather than reading it carefully—mine too).

The Pele Yoetz doesn’t mince words when describing people (“lowly and disgusting” “depraved” “bad character” “bad and difficult”) nor does he make excuses for the miserable behavior.

You don’t hear about anyone’s unfortunate upbringing or background or environment. Instead, he mostly attributes people’s flaws to the generation or to general factors (like old age), rather than to specific circumstances.

HOWEVER, he also very strongly encourages people to push themselves spiritually to be the best they can be—despite the weakness of the generation and the rampant ignorance in society, or any other factors (like old age, stressful situations, etc).

His Balkan Jewish society was interesting because while there weren’t secular Jews per se, there were very ignorant Jews. Some didn’t know how to read or know how to read Hebrew.

For example, he advises a man who doesn’t know Hebrew to go to a Sage before Yom Kippur to have the Hebrew Vidui (Confession) translated into the vernacular.

(We don't need to do that nowadays because we have Artscroll and Metzudah and the like. But the point is to understand each word of Vidui.)

At the same time, Sarajevo was the Torah center where the Pele Yoetz learned too, and Sarajevo produced many talmidei chachamim and tzaddikim. And then you had everyone in between those 2 extremes.

No More Blame Game

The Pele Yoetz speaks strongly about the need to overcome your lesser middot and behave in an exemplary manner while at the same time acknowledging how hard that can be. Sometimes, his expectations seem too high—yet he addresses this too by saying that if the Torah commanded it, then it cannot be impossible.

“The Sages spoke only of one whom the controversy pursues him. And he flees from it and the peace flees from him and he runs after it [i.e the peace]—THAT is called a ‘rodef shalom—a pursuer of peace’ and his deeds will be praised at the gates.”

Several times, the Pele Yoetz makes the point that being a rodef shalom—a pursuer of peace—implies behaving peacefully with truly difficult people. Else why do you need to pursue peace? If a person is lovely, then peace exists on its own—no need to go running after it.

So he definitely understands that some people are difficult and that maintaining your middot with them is very difficult.

How does that all connect with lashon hara?

Our most difficult and painful relationships are exactly what trip us up, spiritually speaking.

There is opportunity for great loss—or great gain, depending on our response.

Lashon hara for no halachically permissible reason entails spiritual loss.

Problems among family ties can trip off the most lashon hara.

So among our more intricate family relationships, the Pele Yoetz has a lot to say.

Below, you’ll see some of the advice he offers both spouses and in-laws.

Note: Coming from secular Western society, it’s quite a pop in the face. So be prepared…

General Advice for Relatives

The Pele Yoetz insists on exemplary behavior on the part of spouses and in-laws even toward a spouse or child/parent-in-law who is awful.

First, he reminds both husbands and wives:
Love of the soul is the most important love of all, so the spiritual goals for you & your spouse need to be foremost at all times.

He actually repeats this idea for husbands, wives, and parents throughout the book.

Ladies First: Advice for Wives

The Pele Yoetz says to wives:

It is difficult to offer general advice because not all people think alike.

Rather, based on the nature of her husband, a wife needs to conduct herself according to his character with grace and insightful understanding in order that their marriage should be successful in love and companionship.

Note: I wish EVERY person involved in ANY shalom bayis counseling would commit the above to memory and engrave it on their heart!

It IS difficult to offer general advice because NOT ALL PEOPLE THINK ALIKE. The Pele Yoetz encourages women to conduct themselves according to the nature of HER husband and HIS character—NOT according to whatever stereotypes your advisor has of men or according to your rebbetzin’s husband’s nature.

He stated this nearly 2 centuries ago, but who is listening?

Anyway the Pele Yoetz also advises wives:

"You should be sensitive to your husband’s honor whether he is a moral person or a sinner, whether praiseworthy or dishonorable, because he is to her as a decree from the King of the Universe. Hashem brings individuals together and matches them to each other."

"This is like a man whom the king desires to glorify and so appoints him as second to the king. The entire nation is obligated to act toward him with respect, even if he is a leper or a repulsive person."

Your reward will increase when your performance of your marital mitzvot demonstrate that you act for the sake of your Creator.

I want to focus on this for a moment because so much marital advice today, whether from secular psychology or shalom bayis “experts” focus on pleasing the other spouse and bending over backward to their will (and especially for women to do so).

Many give this advice despite the fact that pleasing and appeasing behavior never changes abusive people. Also, because most people with personality disorders FEAR intimacy, giving them more love not only doesn’t help but can even trigger MORE abusive behavior, depending.

But the Pele Yoetz doesn’t advise respectful behavior to improve shalom bayit (although he says that explaining to the person using soft words can help, which he bases on a verse from Mishlei--but no promises).

As indicated above, he clearly states that the reason for good treatment, whether for husbands or wives, is for Hashem’s Sake and for the sake of your Olam Haba.

Why?

Because, as the Pele Yoetz states, the whole point of relationships is to facilitate spiritual goals.

Even with marriage, the Pele Yoetz encourages a wife to look behind the curtain of her husband (“whether praiseworthy or dishonorable”) because that marriage (like EVERYTHING else in life) is a decree from the King of the Universe.

You honor your husband because doing so honors HASHEM and his decree.

This is just like the idea propagated throughout Judaism (including the Pele Yoetz) that you should be among the insulted who do not return a hurt with a hurt, which is an ideal Judaism also upholds outside of marriage.

Why?

Because the unpleasant incident or situation is from Hashem. Therefore, there is some benefit to it, like an atonement or middah-building exercise, or whatever.

Unlike modern-day shalom bayis advisers, the Pele Yoetz doesn’t focus on pleasing the husband nor does he start engage in exaggerated generalizations about men in an effort to blindside the wife into submission.

(Secular/non-Jewish therapist often do the same, including using their diagnosis of the husband suffering from a personality disorder or Aspergers or just needing unconditional love or whatever in order to manipulate the wife into co-dependence or submission.)

In fact, he doesn’t mince words. He acknowledges that some husbands are “dishonorable” and that a husband can be “harsh in character and opinions, a lowly and disgusting man who shares no good--ish kasheh b’middotav u’v’de’otav, nivzeh v’chadal ishim, chasar kol tov.”

(Nor does he quantify such behavior with allusions to an unfortunate background or dysfunctional upbringing of the aforesaid “lowly and disgusting man.”)

He wants a wife to rise above her natural inclinations in the face of such behavior—just as he encourages EVERY person (including the husbands of dysfunctional wives) to respond to ALL insulting or dishonorable behavior with dignity.

(Meaning, his mussar isn’t just for wives or even just for marriage, but a general principle applicable to all interpersonal dealings.)

At the same time, the Pele Yoetz encourages a wife to wait for a more relaxed moment and then “rebuke” her husband in a soft, sweet way by saying things like:
“Why did you do this-and-such? What is my sin and what is my transgression that you got worked up against me and got angry at me when I’ve done nothing to harm you? Is this good in the Eyes of Hashem?—and other good things.”

(Note: The language suggested by the Pele Yoetz was originally for early 19th-Century Sefardi Bulgarians and may need to be adjusted for modern English-speakers. They are just suggestions, after all.)

He also recommends pleading sweetly with an abusive husband in a more conducive moment, but he’s clear that these are only recommendations. He makes no guarantees that such words will reap the desired effect if the behind-the-scenes Heavenly decrees indicate otherwise.

A wife should pray for her husband.

Finally, he insists that:

Wives must use iron strength to refrain from revealing their husbands' failings and misdeeds to anyone.

(Again, the Pele Yoetz obviously understands how challenging this is, else why would he advise utilizing such strength in the face of such a nisayon?)

At the same time, the Pele Yoetz obviously heard from suffering wives he’s clearly aware of abusive behavior.

For example, in the case of physical abuse and insensitive behavior in the bedroom, the Pele Yoetz extols as a very big mitzvah to help such a wife, whether by Jewish officials beating the husband into submission or by assisting her in obtaining a divorce if she wants. (Interestingly, he offers neither option to husbands suffering from difficult or evil wives.)

How does this connect to lashon hara?

The Pele Yoetz shows heavy insistence against bad-mouthing your husband in any way, yet if it’s l’toelet (like she needs outside official help to protect her from an especially abusive husband), then obviously she can say something. Otherwise, how would the Pele Yoetz have known what was going on in her home or that a woman needed such help?

But whether the husband’s behavior is severe or just annoying, it’s clear that a lot of what passes for acceptable conversation nowadays is actually completely forbidden.

In actuality, no joking or kvetching about your husband is permissible, even when his behavior seems to justify complaint.

Finally, the Pele Yoetz advises an abused wife:

"She should also pour out her soul before Hashem every single day and perhaps Hashem will have mercy on her and her prayers will bring forth fruits."

Again, this doesn't rule out divorce from such a person or asking for intervention.

As the Pele Yoetz agitates against husbands who "may their name be obliterated" are "biliya'al (depraved)" and "treat Jewish women like maidservants (shifchot)":

"It is fitting for anyone who has the ability to chastise them [the abusive husbands] when possible. And if they have the ability to extract their wives from their hand when it's the desire of the wife--because a woman cannot dwell in the same place as a snake--it's a great mitzvah to save the oppressed from his oppressor."

Advice for Husbands

Likewise, the Pele Yoetz insists that husbands behave with exemplary middot toward even a difficult and wicked wife, all the more so toward a regular wife.

And again, he repeatedly emphasizes the importance of doing so for Hashem’s Sake.

And he holds the husband of a dysfunctional wife to much higher standards than he holds the wife of a dysfunctional husband.

“A difficult wife requires determination to behave toward her with peace and affection in honor of the Shechinah.”

If a man fails in the test of a difficult or evil wife, then you end up with 2 Gehinnoms: Suffering in This World because of your miserable marriage & suffering in the Next World because you failed your challenge (by responding in kind or indulging in escapist activities or whatever)

That’s pretty heavy, isn’t it?

The Pele Yoetz insists that in general, there’s an obligation of “mighty love--ahavah azah” between a husband and wife, repeating what’s written in Yevamot 62b, that a husband is obliged to love his wife as himself and to honor her more than himself.

He explains:

The obligation to be sensitive is cast upon you more than her as Baba Metzia 59a says: "A husband must always be cautious in regards to hurting his wife because since her tears are near, so is her pain.”

I know, I know.

This is in direct contrast to what’s taught in shalom bayis shiurim, which teach that the obligation of sensitivity is upon the wife.

The husband gets a free pass because "he’s a man" and "men aren't smart enough" and "can’t understand these things"—or so they claim.

This is why it is so important to turn to classic sources written by real tzaddikim and leave behind all the secular-influenced or Christian-influenced blather.

People who offer such advice come from despair; they’ve despaired of getting men to fulfill their halachic responsibilities—just like feminists have despaired of men.

So instead, they dump everything onto the wife. And looking at marriage and children today, it obviously isn’t helping. But their despair doesn’t let them think with an expanded mind.

Thank God we have our Sages to open our minds to the truth!

Anyway, the Pele Yoetz insists even if a wife:

intentionally burns his food
engages in certain transgressions (like lashon hara, anger, cursing, taking Hashem’s Name in vain, “similar things mentioned in Nashim and Nezikin”)
violates his will
is generally bad and difficult
lacks intelligence
spends too much money
angers him to his face
and so on,

--nonetheless, a husband should never:

become angry with his wife
shame her
curse her
strike her

Furthermore, the Pele Yoetz insists that a husband:

Always speak to his wife pleasantly
Use soft speech at all times with his wife (including when he's trying to convince her to correct her bad behavior)

Why?

A husband must bear the yoke and be among the insulted who do not insult and accept upon yourself the Judgment of Heaven with joy "because a woman is sent to man from God."

Again, the Pele Yoetz avoids being superficial about things.

He clearly realizes that some people are just plain bad apples, yet because these people are challenges sent by Hashem, we are supposed to rise to the occasion.

He cautions husbands several times that hating a bad or difficult wife can lead to producing a ben sorer u’moreh—the son of a hated wife, as mentioned in the Torah.

He exhorts men to genuinely love such wives to avoid producing rebellious children of bad nature.

To my mind, this a very high demand in light of the terrible middot mentioned above.

How can a man love the kind of sinful, vindictive wife mentioned above?

Again, the Pele Yoetz bases his advice on achieving the best Afterlife possible. The awful spouse is merely the conduit to achieve a blissful eternity:

“The fence to avoid quarreling in his home is to avoid being so exacting with each and every cent of household expenses.”

“He shall increase the honor of his home, each thing in its time, and appease his wife, because blessing only rests within his home for the sake of his wife.”

Though sympathetic to the challenges of a dysfunctional spouse (and even supports divorce for an abused woman), the Pele Yoetz reassures both suffering wives and suffering husbands that if they can maintain their own good middot (including refraining from lashon hara), then their Heavenly Reward will be tremendous.

Note: He provides a more advice & obligations for both husbands and wives than listed here.

Advice for Children-in-Law

The Pele Yoetz insists that a daughter-in-law should:

Be quick & careful to honor her husband’s parents (“as a king and queen”) even more than she honors her husband even if their “yoke” is heavy upon her and even if her parents-in-law are bothersome and possess bad character (“as is common among the elderly”).

Please note that the Pele Yoetz doesn’t say “even if she THINKS they are bothersome and have bad character,” but that they ARE bothersome and DO have bad character. Once again, he acknowledges that some people are indeed bad apples and doesn't dismiss the daughter-in-law's perception as mere tension common in that relationship.

She should strive to understand what they like and aim to please them.

At the same time, he recommends that if parents-in-law and children-in-law really can’t manage civility, they should not be together.

Again, the Pele Yoetz doesn’t get all sentimental about it all.

The reason for the above is because the merit of the parents aids the children. Meaning that performing the above actually helps the daughter-in-law. In a sense, she’s doing it for herself and her own children.

He reassures both children and children-in-law that in regard to honoring parents and parents-in-law, “one who honors others will be respected and his reward will be greatly increased and l’fum tzaara agrah”—one’s reward comes according to one’s exertion.

Interestingly, the Pele Yoetz states that:

The son-in-law is obligated to honor his wife’s parents.
The obligation for a son-in-law to honor his wife's parents is possibly even greater than the obligation to honor his own parents because due to his wife’s parents, he merits to be saved from sin and establish his lineage (presumably due to having married the daughter they produced).
He must not be ungrateful to them.
He must act as a son to them.

Regarding adult children and their own parents, the Pele Yoetz recommends:

Avoid financial dependence on parents whom it is difficult to honor.

For Parents-in-Law

“If it happens that the wife of the son is a bad and difficult woman--ishah ra’ah kashat ruach,” it is your responsibility to “bear her yoke and guide her with pleasantness and not to impose your burden upon her.”

(Again, the Pele Yoetz doesn’t say that you merely THINK your daughter-in-law is a bad and difficult woman—she actually IS genuinely horrible. Nonetheless…)

And if she behaves inappropriately, you should let her know (nicely) in private and not expose her awfulness (navlut) to others.

You should only praise her and treat her respectfully before others.

All the more so, you should not expose her awfulness to her husband (your son) so that resentment not enter his heart and he shall not come to hate her.

“Woe to them, the father and mother who cause this [their son’s hatred toward his wife]! For behold the Holy Name written in holiness, the Holy One Blessed Be He commanded to erase it in water to place peace between a man and his wife (Shabbat 116a)."

"And it is better for a father and mother to suffer a thousand evils and not facilitate controversy (machloket) between a man and his wife.”

“Therefore, the father and mother need great intelligence to behave with good behavior with the sons and the daughters-in-law in order for their marriage to go forth nicely in peace and straightness.”

“And even if there are some displeasures or grudges, they [the parents] should be very careful not to let these things be known or seen by outsiders because it is a foolishness and a shame for both sides and causes lashon hara and gives them a bad reputation.”

He advises that in situations in which parents-in-law and children-in-law cannot behave peacefully and properly with each other, then:

The good and just--hatov v’hayashar” thing to do is avoid sitting together because “this separation is pleasant for them; it is their life--zo hee chayahem.”

Advice for Parents Still Raising Children

Finally, the Pele Yoetz also speaks against discussing your children negatively with others.

The Ben Ish Chai in Laws for Women goes as far as saying that a mother who complains to the father about the children is actually endangering them because if justified, her complaints against them can cause them to be punished from Shamayim.

He doesn’t condemn a beneficial discussion of how best to handle Junior’s difficult behavior, but he’s referring to the litany of teinos some parents pour forth toward their spouse.

Why "Getting It Off Your Chest" Ultimately Doesn't Help

Much of the above advice is anathema to Western mores. With the modern emphasis on standing up for yourself and your rights, being “honest” and “real” about everything, “being yourself,” and much more, the Pele Yoetz’s advice seems backwards and constraining.

Yet over the years, I cannot deny that all the people who publicize the faults of their spouses or in-laws (children or parents) receive no good from this and don’t even experience real relief.

It’s hard for me to say this, but this includes those who really suffer (as the Pele Yoetz acknowledged above) and whose complaints leak out due to their immense pain.

I’m really sympathetic to those whose pain leaks out because living with a horrible spouse infects your very being and every aspect of life.

Particularly for women, who are likened to the Moon which receives light from the Sun (i.e. her husband), a woman whose husband maltreats or neglects her genuinely feels like a cold dead rock suspended in a dark airless Universe.

A woman in such a situation will find it very difficult to keep it all in and only pour out her heart to Hashem (as the Pele Yoetz encourages her to do) but not to other people (unless there’s a toelet, like to get divorced, as the Pele Yoetz notes).

One woman I knew married to an emotionally abusive man even became suicidal at one point—despite frequently leaking out her pain and resentment to others, despite therapy and despite consultation with rabbis. All the outpourings and/or comments never helped.

Whether it’s via humorous jabs or sad comments or even tearful admissions, I’ve seen that it really doesn’t help and any relief is only temporary. (Though relief isn’t guaranteed because sometimes the listener responds in a way the speaker finds hurtful.)

Like I've said before, my initial heart's reaction is to listen and empathize with the other. But I can't help seeing that all the intended support and empathy doesn't seem to offer more than temporary relief. However, when there has been something practical that I could do, then things ended up better.

So there's a difference between pouring your heart out when it can't help you (but maybe it feels like it helps you) and pouring your heart out when it can.

I'm not demonizing anyone for doing it -- believe me, I understand what emotional pain is like -- I'm just saying there is a way to do it that's beneficial and a way that is not.

Well, not me saying it, but the Pele Yoetz.

I'll be following up this last bit in another post.

So to sum up:

Painful relationships are challenges from Hashem.
Countering painful relationships with good middot earns you amazing Heavenly reward.
Countering painful relationships with bad middot earns you Gehinnom in both This World & the Next
Lashon hara offers temporary relief (if that), but no more.
Lashon hara without toelet (even when justified) can make things worse for you, both in This World and the Next.
We acknowledge the very real pain of painful relationships, but we don't use that as an excuse to transgress.
Your good behavior can (maybe) influence the other positively.
Your good behavior sometimes still can't influence the other to behave better or see the good in you.
Act for Hashem's Sake, not for the sake of the other person's ego desires and dysfunction.
"It is difficult to offer general advice because not all people think alike."

Back to Part I

May this post be considered a kaparah for my own falls into lashon hara and may we all be protected from any sins of the tongue.

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Our Latest Research Indicates that Everything We've Been Promoting Based on Our Latest Research...is Wrong!

2/9/2018

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I just got an interesting quote in my Inbox [emphasis mine]:

In fact, we asked the people who participated in our research if they were getting therapy, and we discovered that there was a reasonably high correlation between getting therapy and getting a divorce. It was more likely that couples would get a divorce if they had therapy than if they had no therapy. This was especially true for individual therapy, but it was also true of couple therapy.

John Gottman, The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples

This issue is what has come up on this blog several times.

Conventional "solutions" touted throughout society as "the best" or "the only" solution to problems either don't help, don't help as much as needed, or even harm.

Despite the positive smiley encouraging presentation, such promotion of band-aid methods ultimately leads to despair.

Hashem loves you with a Love that you can't even imagine feeling yourself, no matter how much or how deeply you have ever loved another person. He is the Only One Who truly has your best interests and Who truly cares about you.

And He is the True Healer of all ills.

English-speaking frum media with the noblest of intentions continuously pushes secular solutions to problems, whether it’s therapy, medication, yoga, or anything else solidly recommended in secular society.

As I’ve said before, I think therapy can be helpful depending and I’m not necessarily against psychiatric medication used for very specific reasons for a very limited amount of time. (And according to my reading, yoga isn’t ever kosher even when it’s advertised as “kashered,” so that’s out.)

But even helpful therapy doesn’t usually solve the problem at its core. And its helpfulness depends so much on the chemistry between the therapist and client, how spiritually healthy and emuna-filled the therapist is, how much the therapist actually likes the client and sees the client's God-given potential, plus how much the therapist can help the client develop emuna and carry out a real cheshbon hanefesh...and much more.

Yet the most compassionate, caring, responsible response with which people are constantly bombarded is to encourage a suffering loved one is to "get professional help."

Psychology Problems

Therapy became very popular and acceptable when I was in my preteens. So over the decades, I’ve known many people who’ve gone into it. Yet I’ve rarely seen it do much more than make people feel somewhat better & more confident about themselves (which often did NOT translate into becoming better people).

Furthermore, it has become extremely common and aggressively encouraged in the frum community for people to seek “professional treatment” for everything.

That is considered the responsible response.

Yet mainstream psychology (and psychiatry, for that matter) keep insisting that there is no cure for dysfunctions like personality disorder or bipolar disorder or schizophrenia—despite the fact that people like Dr. William Glasser did cure many of his mentally ill patients at a mental hospital. (So mental illness CAN be curable—why do they insist it’s not? Why offer lifetime despair to mental patients?)

Psychiatry Problems

Psychiatry keeps insisting that psychiatric medications are the only way to treat mental illness despite both anecdotal evidence and a leading psychiatrist’s claims and research evidence that medication actually makes people worse in the long run, not better.

Yes, that’s right.

At the end of a lifetime of official, professional, “responsible” psychiatric treatment, the patient will not even be back to their original starting point of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder or whatever. They’ll be worse.

So how is that "treating" the illness?

As stated before, I don’t see a problem with temporary treatment. I can only imagine what a psychotic episode is like, and maybe someone needs a medicinal “kick” to get them out of a dark tortuous place and into a place where they can ponder their situation, its roots, and how to proceed.

But most (if not all) of what secular society recommends as "treatment" or "responsible" doesn't ultimately heal the problem.

How Did I Get Here?

I used to think therapy was the answer for all emotional ills.

Then I tried therapy. I tried it several short-term times with different therapists over the years for different reasons. Most were either not helpful at all or somewhat helpful, and a couple (the frum female ones) were pretty helpful—yet could not provide me with complete direction. (That needs to come in a quiet place from private discussions with Hashem.)

I also couldn't help noticing that others who'd undergone therapy still suffered from poor morality and psychological issues.

I also believed with all my heart that if I would cleave to a rabbinical-approved chinuch method (as taught by the rabbinically approved rebbetzin) and jump through every hoop insisted (no matter how high or how narrow), then I would succeed in turning out ideal frum children, which was my dearest dream.

(Note: To my knowledge, these authorizing rabbis don't hear the nitty-gritty details of the shitahs presented nor do they hear the stories told for emphasis. The authorizing rabbis go by a basic run-down of the shitah—which will always be presented in a Torah-based way because that's what the person truly believes he or she is doing--and the authorizing rabbis go by the integrity and middot of the person promoting the shitah. But just because the person knows how to deal with her own children or students doesn't mean that she knows how to deal with other people's children or even with other people who are very different than her.)

The books that helped me break away from the chinuch loop were (in the order I discovered them):

Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery by Riso & Hudson (helped me realize that much chinuch advice either does nothing or is the opposite of what a Type 8 child needs and can even worsen that child’s behavior)
The Case Against Adolescence: Rediscovering the Adult in Every Teen by Dr. Robert Epstein (validated a lot of my own against-the-stream observations since high school and proved that most “adolescent” behavior is actually culturally induced rather than the much-touted "teen brain"; also one of the only secular books of this type that not only doesn’t put down Judaism, Torah, etc, but even admires authentic Judaism)
Garden of Education by Rav Shalom Arush (this made me throw out every other chinuch book; it was all I needed)
Yeladim Mutzlachim by Rav Shalom Arush (its collection of prayers for chinuch is invaluable; and using historical examples of Gedolei Hador from all groups, it proves the importance of prayer and spiritual inner work for raising children)

And needless to say, both my children and I are still works in progress. None of us are perfect and we never will be. And because I'm far from tzidkus, I struggle with implementing the authentic Jewish mussar as I should. Yet at least I'm bumbling up the right path; I wasn't before.

Why Chinuch Advice Often Doesn't Work

Being human, all therapists run into their own limitations at some point. Their blind spots (which every human possesses) will eventually block you, their client.

Furthermore, when I was in the chinuch loop, I discovered that many chinuch advisors don’t really possess the spiritual foundation and expanded mind to truly help parents raise their children.

For example:

For complex reasons (some unfathomable in our 3-dimentional world), Hashem placed specific children with specific parents for everyone’s benefit, pre-determining struggles and conflicts (along with harmony and suitability) beforehand.
Because they are only human, chinuch advisors can make some accurate observations based on their experience, but they will always miss other things simply because they are human and cannot see everything that Hashem sees. (And sometimes, what they miss is exactly what the parent needs to know for that child.)
Hashem gifted each parent with the wisdom & insight to raise each child; therefore, a chinuch advisor’s job is to draw out that wisdom and insight, not to impose the chinuch advisor’s “solutions” onto the parents. However, this is much more complex and demands much more emotional and mental stamina than imposing shitahs.
Switching methods can lead to temporary relief, but using the child’s undesirable behavior as a springboard for a parent’s cheshbon hanefesh and consequent teshuvah is a million times more likely to lead to improvement in the child’s behavior ON ITS OWN. (Although nothing is guaranteed because we don't know Hashem's Plan for us.)
Children’s aberrant behavior is more likely a reflection of the parents’ middot on some level, and less likely a reflection of specific methods used.

As just one example of the last point:
A bullying child is most likely a reflection of a parent’s bullying tendency, even if this tendency is nearly unperceivable and not consciously or practically witnessed by either the child or the parent. (Meaning, maybe the parent is unconsciously and subtly bullying an adult sibling, but the bullying isn't expressed anywhere else or at anyone else—yes, the message can be that subtle.)

This COULD also mean that the child experiences bullying by a parent, but it doesn’t HAVE to mean that.

Having said all that, the majority of chinuch advisors definitely deserve an A+ for good intentions.

They stretch to the limits their patience and energy to help desperate & struggling (or arrogant & obstinate) parents and their children. But they can also accidentally harm as much as they help. (Or even harm more than they help, depending.)

Why?

Because chinuch methods aren't generally based on Torah hashkafah. Some methods can be adapted to Torah hashkafah, but the goals set in Mishlei and mussar sefarim aren't necessarily the goals of the chinuch class.

(The main goal for your child, BTW, is for them to fulfill their soul-potential and get them into the best Olam Haba possible, may everyone live in good health until 120.)

The majority of chinuch advisors unknowingly hold views based on 1 of the following:

Post-Sixties methods created (and continuously re-adjusted) by anti-Torah Liberals and Leftists with either secular Leftist or Far Eastern "spiritual" agendas
Pre-Sixties methods created by secular sick anti-Torah elitists and eugenicists
People with ulterior agendas posited as “good for the child!” but were originally a stab at temporarily improving the economy or lowering employment or whatever.

How Do You Define "Better"?

Regarding therapy, I couldn’t help seeing that therapy often made people feel better, but not act better. For example, one secular person I knew went to a top-rated secular psychologist when she felt suicidal. He managed to cure of her desire to kill herself, yet not her penchant for pritzadik behavior (including an affair with a married man), nasty acts of revenge, and so on. But yes, she did feel much better about herself.

(And that doesn't even begin to cover the people who felt worse after therapy.)

That’s just one example. There are a lot more.

Likewise, I’ve noticed so many people jump from therapist to therapist and from method to method. While therapists defend therapy by saying it can only help those who want to be helped and are willing to do the inner work—and this is true—because this is true, people are better off just doing it with Hashem.

Hashem truly loves us and knows everything about us. In fact, any bad middot you discover were planted there BY HASHEM in the first place, so rather than blaming yourself, you can just flip it back to Hashem and say, “YUCK. I don’t want this! Ugh, what an absolutely awful middah. Take it back—please, take it back!”

(Don’t worry. He loves it when you do this. That’s the whole point of your existence and why He put you here in the first place. World of Tikkun!)

Who are You Following?

So what is the point of this post?

The point is that we are inundated from all sides by advice to use secular (or secular-based with a frum twist) treatment for our emotional, psychological, mental, and relationship problems. And in the frum media, they promote this based on secular research (with the best of intentions; they genuinely want to help).

Yet that same secular research is itself coming out and saying:
“THIS ULTIMATELY DOES NOT WORK.”

So who are you going to listen to?

The “I’M the ultimate solution—right over here!” and “THIS ULTIMATELY DOES NOT WORK” are both coming from the same source (secular science and research).

So who are you going to listen to?

Or, rather Who are you going to listen to?

Related Posts
By Dr. Zev Ballen:
The True Doctor of the Soul
The Therapeutic Wasteland
The Origins of Emuna Coaching
Do You NLP? (please make sure to read Chaim's valuable comments at the end)
______
Anti-Depressant Use Leads to Worse Long-Term Outcomes
Does Long-Term Use of Psychiatric Drugs Cause More Harm Than Good?
Psychiatrist Says: More Psychiatry Means More Shootings
______
Myrtle Rising Chinuch Posts
______
For Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender's advice on beneficial listening and how a true friend should behave, please search through Posts on Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender.
______
What is the World of Tikkun?

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2 Posts for Prayers & the Oncoming School Year

9/8/2018

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This is really late to be posting about praying for the upcoming school year (which starts on Sunday for many frum children), but here it is anyway (because I forgot until now):

A Short Yet Powerful Tefillah for Our Children

How Praying for Your Child Can Work

May all our children enjoy a school year brimming with bracha and hatzlacha and good health!

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Pele Yoetz: Always End on a Note of Hope

4/7/2018

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A big lesson to learn from Rav Eliezer Papo's masterpiece, Pele Yoetz, is the way he ends every chapter.

While he interlaces encouragement and positive words within each chapter, some also contain dire warnings and stern rebuke. Nonetheless, he never leaves us without reassurance, encouragement, and hope.

Rav Papo maintained a firm belief in our power to rise above our addictions, bad habits, false beliefs, and our yetzer hara in any form.

Affirming Our Innate Goodness & Ability

For example, at the end of the chapter on Young Men/Bachur (you can imagine all the dire things he mentions in such a chapter), Rav Papo ends with:

"And behold, God stands over him [as a Protector]; He will be with him in assistance because one who comes to purify himself earns Heavenly assistance."

The chapter called Rebuke/Gaarah concludes as follows:

"The voice of fools in rebuke 'they are a vanity, an act of delusion' [Yirmiyahu 10:15] to those who hear them, confusing them and confounding them. But the words of the wise which are heard in pleasantness are sweet and accepted by their listeners."

He ends the chapter entitled Speech/Dibur, a chapter full of exhortations and prohibitions, with the following:

"To you, gentlemen, I call: Brothers and friends, I'm very pained on your behalf, on behalf of this sin that is to your detriment and the evil that stands before you, chas v'shalom. And even more than that, how great is my pain on behalf of the pain of our Father in Heaven who waits to bestow favor upon us...and please, exchange bad for good! Gather in the place of a Torah scholar or a learned person to hear learning...and acquire paths of life and lofty attributes."

Rav Papo ends the chapter Rising Early/Haskamah with characteristic optimism and holy cheerleading:

"With his heart, he will understand and with his ears, he will hear, and as he shall repent, Hashem will heal him."

Go, team Am Yisrael, go!

Rav Papo ends General Principles: Part I/Klalot Alef with:

"All that is in his power to accomplish, he should do and all that a man desires, he should do. Only the beginning will be difficult. And in doing so, a person will become desirable and Hashem will be for him as a shelter. And a vision of the Almighty he shall see.

And this is enough for whoever possesses a good heart."

The end of Afternoon Prayer/Mincha:

"...only the beginnings are difficult because afterwards, it will be sweet for him and it shall be as a delightful fragrance for him, and worthy of blessing and contentment is he in This World and it's good for him in the World to Come."

So we see that it's important to end on a positive, reassuring, and encouraging note:
Yes, sinning is terrible and Gehinnom is just awful -- but if you just try your best to do the right thing, then God will help you out, He'll stand by your side all the way, and things will ultimately end up wonderfully!

Judging Wonky Jews Favorably

Rav Papo also finds excuses for the errant, a way to judge them favorably and with understanding, even as he rebukes the wonky behavior, like in the chapter on Speech/Dibur:

"Come and see how the enemy [yetzer hara] has overpowered people so much so that when brothers sit together, and they have nothing new to say, one starts saying, 'The cold today is good, the heat today is good, the rain is good, the snow is good,' and such things that are obvious to all -- simply because their yetzer agitates within them and they're embarrassed to sit in silence."

See? Rav Papo blames the inane behavior on the yetzer hara, emphasizing the great strength of the yetzer hara, which implies that these people are good and want to do the right thing, but have simply collapsed under the weight of their yetzer hara. Also, he acknowledges the very real embarrassment people tend to struggle with in such situations.

(Then Rav Papo explains how to get up and fight the yetzer hara.)

You can just imagine what Rav Papo has to say in his chapter on Illicit Acts/Znut, but even after he mentions some pretty reprehensible acts, he never stops judging favorably:

"And this comes from a lack of awareness of the great severity of the act, or due to bad friends who trick them into it..."

In other instances, Rav Papo inserts a plea for Hashem to atone for their sins, as in the chapter entitled Judges & Officers/Shoftim v'Shotrim:

"Woe to it, to a generation that such a thing has risen in its days, that there are large cities in in the cities of Edom [Europe] that host hundreds of thousands of Jews and the Torah is forgotten from among them, and they only conduct cases in the jurisdiction of non-Jews and it's done as if permissible -- May God Who is Good atone for them."

Ken yehi ratzon!

Bringing It All Home

So I learned 2 important lessons from the entire Pele Yoetz:

It's essential it is to find merits and judge favorably even as you're discussing what's wrong with society or as you're attempting to correct someone's behavior.

It's important to always end on a note of hope and sincere belief in the person's innate goodness and ability to improve and do teshuvah.

I think it's also a guide for when hearing rebuke from others, to know what level the critic is really on and where their criticism is really coming from. If they can't see the good in you, if they can't see that you're not evil or stupid but just stuck or uninformed, if they don't believe that you have the ability to change for the better, well, then...you sure aren't hearing rebuke from a tzaddik.

Rav Eliezer Papo willing underwent a prolonged and agonizing death for his community, then left a legacy to assist and encourage us forevermore.

We can trust that his attitude and approach are the real deal.

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Peeling Off the Giant Smiley to Reveal the Spiritual Desolation

1/7/2018

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With the death of an old family friend came the death of his family line.

I'm not sure whether the deceptive decline started with his parents or grandparents, but Alan's parents got married and settled in a bustling Jewish area of New York. They created the ideal nice 'n' tidy American family: one boy and one girl.

It was easy and enjoyable to be part of the thriving Jewish -- though not so religious -- community in that area.

The boy, Alan, grew up and met Marybelle in college. Marybelle, long disillusioned with Christianity, enjoyed the watered-down Jewish beliefs and practices and was pro-Israel (which was the norm in America back when Israel was seen as the poor, harassed, struggling underdog constantly on the verge of total annihilation).

Marybelle happily underwent a Conservative Jewish "conversion" and was embraced as a Jew by Alan and his family because their Conservative rabbi declared it all to be totally kosher. (After all, only fanatics wouldn't approve of the delightful Marybelle and nitpick about fuddy-duddy details like Shabbos and taharas mishpacha.) Marybelle remained an enthusiastic synagogue attendee on Saturdays where she often sported a pink & white kippah, and she joined the synagogue sisterhood, and proved herself a proud supporter of Israel (as long as the pro-Israel politicking never went too far Right).

Alan and Marybelle lived a happy life together and were some of my favorite adults as a child. (Marybelle is indeed a delightful and caring person.) They both loved children, yet they never managed to produce children. Alan's one sister also married a non-Jewish man and never managed to produce children either.

At the age of 70, Alan came to Eretz Yisrael for the first time. He was recovering from several bouts with illness and organ failure, but feeling better, he figured this was his chance to finally visit the Land.

There's No Place Like Home -- Literally

One quiet morning, he sat with my husband and I in a still-new children's park ringed by the flora and fauna innate to Eretz Yisrael, surrounded by a heart-stirring view of Eretz Yisrael's hills and fields.

The conversation ebbed and flowed because Alan couldn't stop himself from pausing to take in all that was around him, slowly turning his salt-and-pepper head this way and that. He breathed in deeply and his eyes were aglow with dreamy bliss.

Though always a cheerful person, I'd never seen him look so serene and blissful.

But it was deeper than that.

His face was aglow with the look of a man who'd finally come Home.

He'd finally found his place, even though he never realized he'd been searching for it.

But it was too late.

Had Alan made different choices, I could see Alan fitting into one of the Anglo communities of Ra'anana or Ramot of the Eighties.

But instead, Alan died not long after that visit without any remnant, neither for himself nor for his parents.

And his sister never left a remnant either.

That was it. End of the line.

Shiny Happy Deceptions

The end of the line for Alan and his sister resulted from tidy feel-good decisions pushed by the Conservative movement back in the Sixties and Seventies. Promising fulfilling life and a bright future, they upheld Liberal American values, which trumped Jewish values every time.

Perhaps Alan's parents' line wouldn't have ended had they gone beyond the oh-so tidy one-of-each and had more children (if they could, I don't know) who might have had children.

And had Alan's parents sent him and his sister to a teacher or an institution that could've taught them real Jewish values, perhaps Alan and his sister would've made different decisions, decisions more conducive to the Jewish soul.

And perhaps had the Conservative rabbis not been so gung-ho about masking intermarriage via fake "conversions," Alan's parents might've thrown up more resistance. And perhaps Alan himself, who obviously did care about marrying a Jew, wouldn't have been duped into the feel-good act of marrying a non-Jewish woman because of his certainty that she now was Jewish...a woman who, though delightful, wasn't his real zivug.

And maybe Marybelle herself, who did seem to have a real attraction to Judaism, would've either discovered Torah-true Judaism and followed through with a real conversion or would've become a righteous non-Jew following the 7 Noachide Mitzvot. (Although this is getting to deeply unknowable territory, with regard to what Marybelle's lifelong attraction to Judaism really means.)

Needless to say, there are no guarantees.

After all, there are frum Jews who go off the derech and marry out, there are Jews who never have children, and so on. (Although it is a comforting Jewish belief that one's deeds are offspring -- like children -- so a barren Jewish couple can take comfort in the mitzvot they've created, even though childlessness is still an admittedly painful nisayon.)

But without the all-smiles reassurance from the Wishy-Washy Whitewashing movement, then Alan could've had a fighting chance.

But it's over now.

End of the Line

I personally have at least 2 close Jewish relatives who leave no Jewish descendants.

One is dead and the other is dying.

Others have more non-Jewish grandchildren than Jewish children. (For example, 3 Jewish grandchildren from one child and 5 non-Jewish grandchildren from the other from different marriages.)

And this is also due to other factors growing in society at large, such as deciding against getting married or having children, never getting around to having children, or waiting so long to have children that it may no longer be possible without a lot of medical intervention.

Or skipping the marriage aspect entirely and finding a donor to have a baby on your own.

And if you're an assimilated Jew, then these often are your children.

There's not much choice; this is the society nowadays.

When All Hope Really is Gone

It's really hitting home to me now.

Because when I first became frum, I focused on having a good relationship with family and old friends of family.

And it felt good to do my part, like davening that everyone does teshuvah, and that things work out well for the very likeable non-Jewish partner too.

And I even tried talking to/corresponding in a really nice (too nice actually, in regrettable hindsight) approachable manner with a couple of Conservative rabbis, but despite their friendly open facade, they proved extremely close-minded.

If you become frum, then that circle of family and old family friends often ends up meeting your frum circle. In my case, all the frum people they met were very likeable and approachable.

But all those years of niceness and approachability never seemed to have any effect.

Then you see everyone getting older and -- let's face it -- more decrepit.

And the truth starts to sink in: It's too late.

But you still have hope for the pintele Yid to come galloping through like the Calvary at high noon.

And then the Jew keels over and that's it.

The End.

Calling a Spade a Spade

Unfortunately, enthusiasts of the Conservative movement would find my attitude horribly offensive.

Because they have good intentions and a minority of their members stay connected to their Jewish rituals (albeit the watered-down version of them) and marry Jews, they feel that's reason enough for hope and good cheer.

Yet I'm seeing death.

That generation raised on the feed of synthetic Judaism is dying and they're dying in the most spiritually desolate way possible: without a remnant of Jewish deeds or Jewish children.

May Hashem atone for us & gather us back to Him with Revealed Compassion.

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Parshat Korach 2: Your Mind is Forever

"To create a mind, that’s our job in life. And that’s the most important business we can do in this world."

Parshat Chukat: The Reality of the Next World

​​"Because there is a road, a true road to happiness. ​The road to Olam Habah is the winding road without any deceptions."

"Be a propagandist for Hakodosh Boruch Hu."

Home, Sweet Home!

Raising Children to Love Judaism

Tefillah: A Woman's True Tafkid

What is the Worst Thing a Parent or Spouse Can Do?

Success Needs Planning

Education: Prepared for What?

Why Target Davka the Torah Education?

Doing What's REALLY Best for Your Child

Being "Real" -- for Real

When Separation is Good

No More Blame Game

General Advice for Relatives

Ladies First: Advice for Wives

Advice for Husbands

Advice for Children-in-Law

For Parents-in-Law

Advice for Parents Still Raising Children

Why "Getting It Off Your Chest" Ultimately Doesn't Help

Psychology Problems

Psychiatry Problems

How Did I Get Here?

Why Chinuch Advice Often Doesn't Work

How Do You Define "Better"?

Who are You Following?

Affirming Our Innate Goodness & Ability

Judging Wonky Jews Favorably

Bringing It All Home

There's No Place Like Home -- Literally

Shiny Happy Deceptions

End of the Line

When All Hope Really is Gone

Calling a Spade a Spade

Myrtle Rising

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"Because there is a road, a true road to happiness. The road to Olam Habah is the winding road without any deceptions."