In this week's dvar Torah by Rav Avigdor Miller, Parshat Vayechi: Personalities & Growth, he discusses how on Yaakov Avinu's deathbed, Yaakov Avinu notes how different each of his numerous sons are from one another.

Then Rav Miller cites Gemara Pesachim 56a, which mentions a man who went around saying, "I want to live along the coast."

He loved the seashore so much, he dreamed of building a home by the sea when he retired.

When they looked into why he loved the sea so much, they discovered this man descended from Zevulun, which was the sea-faring Tribe. Hashem ingrained within Bnei Zevulun a love for the ocean.

Another man went around saying, "Donu dini – Judge my case."

Whenever there was a disagreement between this man and another, he wasn't interested in arbitration or compromise; he wanted the crystalline verdict: Who's right? Who's wrong? And what must be done now?

He said "Donu dini" so often that they checked into his lineage and discovered what you probably already guessed: "Donu dini" descended from the Tribe of Dan.

Rav Miller explains about the inner make-up of Bnei Dan (pg. 5):

I always love hearing about this different personalities characteristics of Tribes.

I even crave it.

I think it's because it's proof that different natures really are ordained by Hashem, so it follows that even if your society disapproves, Hashem Himself approves.

Meaning, Hashem Himself WANTS us to be this way or that way—used for the good, of course.

I think this helps access Divine Love. Hashem really does like YOU.

​Every society idealizes certain personalities while disapproving of other personalities.

But that's all wrong.

It's what you DO with your personality that matters.

Every trait can be used for the good or the bad.

Allowing your child to be him or herself became a big issue in chinuch—and rightly so.

But what initially broke me (and I still remain dismayed by this) is how the chinuch people tend to expect mothers to be clones. 

NOT all of them expect this. Definitely not all of them. There are chinuch people with genuine wisdom & insight.

But what I initially encountered made me feel like there's only one right way to be a mother.

And that one way always happened to be exactly the same way as the chinuch rebbetzin herself.

(It's obvious that was never intentional, but simply how they naturally felt.)

But that's 100% NOT true.

​There is not only one way.

That's a recipe for disaster.

​For example, people have different sleep needs.

I have a friend who absolutely NEEDS 9 hours of sleep.

Even if she sleeps 8 hours at night, she still craves a short nap during the day.

So she needs to work around the need in life and sleep always remained one of her top priorities—even more than food.

And that's fine. That's her physiology. How on earth could she possibly change it?

She can't.

Others are energetic to the point they're bouncing off the walls, while others find it hard to get off the couch—and then there's everyone between those 2 extremes.

And that's just the basic unchangeable physiology of a human being.

Another example:

A wife with a competent, helpful husband experiences a different life with different resources than a wife with an unhelpful, demanding husband.

Also, the children's personalities define the home.

I know people insist that the mother decides the atmosphere of the home, but you can't compare a home of naturally hyper children to a home of naturally calm ones. 

(I wrote more about that HERE.)

It's really the children who define the atmosphere of the home.

And because, no matter how hard I tried, I could never wedge myself deep enough into their mommy-mold, I mostly gave up listening to or reading chinuch lectures & books—with a few exceptions, of course.

Thank God for the exceptions!

And I more or less went the way Rav Shalom Arush writes in Garden of Education.

​And I've been winging it ever since!

Anyway...

I think that reading about the different qualities of the Tribes offers a lot of comfort & chizuk (encouragement).

Not only is it okay to be different—even extremely different—from each other, but it is even DESIRABLE.

We literally & spiritually NEED to be different from each other!

​That's exactly how Hashem set things up in the first place.​

​Here's Rav Miller again on page 6 (emphasis mine):

Pages 8-12 are essential (and fun) reading.

Rav Miller describes different Gedolim (both men & women) in Jewish history who contributed what they did by virtue of their personality—contributions others could not have made.

​As Rav Miller states (pages 7-8; boldface & underline mine):

Think about that for a moment.

This idea means that if we force someone to stuff his or her own personality into a box and serve Hashem like someone of the opposite personality, then we are going against Hashem's Will.

In that case, we are harming the Jewish people.

Hashem WANTS the unique service of this personality & that personality.

​Who are we to deny Him?

​Who are we to think we know better than the Creator of the Universe?

Rav Miller, page 14 (boldface & underline mine):

Throughout the dvar Torah, Rav Miller repeatedly uses the word "peculiarities" to describe our unique differences.

That's not a mistake or because he couldn't find a better word.

We often fear being thought strange, weird, odd, or peculiar.

But here, we see that Rav Miller wants us to take davka what's strange, weird, odd, or peculiar and USE it in Hashem's Service.

When channeled correctly, peculiar is perfectly praiseworthy!

And don't forget the Practical Tip on page 17...

Credit for all quotes & material goes to the uniquely wonderful Toras Avigdor.

Related posts:

• Different Courses for Different Horses
• God's Sunlit Garden
• Why a Leah Imeinu Can't (and Shouldn't) be a Sara Imeinu
  

While the behavior of some Gadolim in their homes is very well-known, there is still more to discover.

These stories teach us fundamental lessons.

So why aren't these stories discussed more?

Maybe because:

• People tend to be impressed by major external accomplishments, like creating a successful yeshivah, cultivating an exceptionally profound knowledge of Gemara, astounding hasmadah, etc., but how a Gadol behaves at the dinner table lacks the "wow" factor (for some people, anyway...).

 

• People fear that wives will resent their husbands for not living up to the standards of the great Gadolim, and even use it as a weapon against him (i.e., "Rav Ovadia chose to learn in an airless closet just so as not to disturb his wife's sleep, but YOU always leave the bedroom door open when you KNOW the hall light really bothers me!!!")

 

• People simply don't know the stories. Look, they happened privately & who's to know except the Gadol's lucky wife & children?

However, withholding these stories presents everyone with a lopsided view of the Gadol, which then results in a false example to follow (both for the women who wish to emulate his rebbetzin and for the men who wish to emulate the Gadol).

These stories also help us because we see that the same Gadol who was so nice & helpful outside the home was equally pleasant & altruistic inside his home (unlike non-Gadolim who behave much better with non-family).

And the Gadol who seems serious & taciturn outside the home is actually warmly appreciative & considerate inside the home.

We need to know that how we behave at the dinner table (and other mundane or private situations) defines our true level of character.

Finally, the woman who feels resentment against her own husband when hearing such stories needs to take a look at that emotion & examine what's going on behind it, rather than to either just pretend these stories don't exist or use them as ammunition.

Maybe the wife has good reason to feel resentment or maybe she doesn't—either way, that needs to be addressed with emunah & not treated superficially.

(Also, women who are married to perfectly decent men who don't behave at the level of Rav Elyashiv or Rav Ovadia Yosef can remind themselves that they aren't exactly Rebbetzin Elyashiv or Rabbanit Margalit either.)

​After all, the real Gadolim ARE good to their families—and this should be publicized!

So, for example, I knew of a shul rabbi who behaved deplorably at home. 

Despite his obvious flaws (and the majority of his children at some point developing some kind of mental illness and/or going off the derech), his community remained ga-ga over him because—well....? Hmm.

I guess because treating a non-Gadol like a Gadol satisfied some inner emotional compulsion.

(Rav Miller opposed this kind of blind adoration, and used the example of Shem ben Noach toward Avraham as a What-NOT-to-Do when dealing with people who impress you. Please see HERE.)

Anyway, one of the more minor annoyances the errant rabbi embraced was his display of detachment from the material.

For example, his wife loved to cook generous, nutritious meals and showed her caring through feeding her family.

So, of course, he made sure to reject her efforts.

He dramatically insisted on eating the very minimum possible (and even then, leaving leftovers), without complimenting his wife's efforts—unless, of course, someone he wished to impress sat nearby (if he remembered to impress the guest in that way; often, he forgot). But when he remembered to impress a guest during a meal, the rabbi called out (in ringing tones) a generic compliment on the meal.

Weary after years of criticism, mind games, and emotional neglect, the rebbetzin usually ignored the compliment (because she knew it was only given to impress someone else).

At that point, the rabbi would inquire in ringing tones, "Did you hear me, Golda? I said that the meal was very nice!"

At that point, Golda, exhausted & wishing to get him off her back, would nod without even looking at him and say, "Yes-yes-I-heard-you-thank-you-very-much."

The rabbi would then sit there and blink in puzzlement (after all, he—the wonderful magnificent star-of-the-show—deigned to offer her a compliment!), then quickly return to whatever he was doing, the pesky nicety now out of the way.

However, if you know that Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv ztz"l, routinely heaped praises upon his wife's toil, using surprisingly flowery phrases, then you judge rabbis who DON'T do that with a more accurate measuring stick.

For example, Rav Elyashiv impressed most people as a serious, reserved, and stoic man of few words—a man completely detached from anything except his supreme dedication to Torah learning & his incredible Torah knowledge.

Yet his family remembers all the years of his behavior during mealtimes: 

Please note that the small amounts of simple food resulted from poverty, and not Rav Elyashiv's preference (although he was not into eating more than he needed, either)—nor did it emanate from a desire to show off.

He was real.

Also, please note that the above testimony comes from his family, and not guests or admirers.

Furthermore, his children testify that they never heard a word of criticism about the food—not that about something lacking or that something wasn't tasty. Not a word.

​His family remembers:

(That might sound like funny praise, but it refers to when Biblical Egypt was the global center of quality & abundance, and likely refers to Beresheit 45:18.)

It's also worth noting that Rav Avigdor Miller's son never remembers his father showing any dissatisfaction with any food given to him by the rebbetzin. He simply ate whatever she gave him, and offered her sincere praise & appreciation.

This is how real Gadolim behave during mealtimes.

If your rabbi doesn't do exactly that, he may still be a decent person worth respecting.

But he is likely NOT a Gadol and needn't be treated like one.

Another behavior always witnessed by family members & visitors was how Rav Elyashiv took care to avoid bothering any of his family members.

He was stringent about this to the point that the concept of "Bring me" or "Give me" or "Do for me" didn't even seem to exist for him.

Anything that demanded bother or trouble was done by the rav himself.

Even if it wasn't much trouble, he still did it himself. For example, if he needed a book from the shelf, he rose & brought it himself without asking the assistance of anyone else.

​Likewise, during a trip to spread Torah in America, Rav Ovadia Yosef & his wife, Rabbanit Margalit, stayed as guests in a private home over Shabbat.

Rav Ovadia requested from his host whether he could leave a light on throughout Shabbat, emphasizing that it needed to be a weak light so as not to disturb the rabbanit's sleep.

The host offered the only option available: a light turned on in the closet, the amount of light let into the room controlled by closing or opening the door as necessary.

Yet Rav Ovadia fretted over this as still too disturbing for his wife's sleep.

Finally, Rav Ovadia decided to place a chair inside the closet and sat himself there with his books, leaving the closet door open just enough to let in some air while he learned until the late hours of the night—all so his wife could sleep well. 

Rav Ovadia Yosef also participated closely in the chinuch of his children.

Despite the fact that the rav wasn't home much with the children, he listened carefully to his wife's reports & proactively took matters into his own hands—and he did so without saying, "Mommy told me that you..."

Instead, he playfully acted like he found out another way.

In addition, while it looked to outsiders like Rabbanit Margalit took care of everything with regard to the children's schooling, she herself testified that was not true.

After a careful scrutiny of the options available (including a look into who the teachers were & the level of learning), Rav Ovadia chose the schools for his children. 

Furthermore, despite the fact that Rabbanit Margalit carried out the school registration, attended the parent-teacher meetings, and communicated with the teacher throughout  the school year, Rav Ovadia kept track of each child's situation behind the scenes.

​The rav knew exactly what was happening with each child, and dealt with each one according to his or her individual circumstances.

Okay, I tried to pick stories that aren't so well-known because everyone already knows & loves the stories of Rav Aryeh Levine ("My wife's leg hurts us") & Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, so the above hopefully provide more stories to know & love.

​In addition, the above hopefully provides us with lessons on how to behave ourselves, and also offers us some guidance on who is really a Gadol worth swooning over...and who is not (though everyone should be treated with courtesy, regardless).

If you go HERE, you can see a 2-minute video of Rav Gershon Edelstein, the Rosh Yeshivah of Ponevezh in Bnei Brak, and one of the premier talmidei chachamim of today.

I'm sorry it's in Hebrew only, but I'll explain it in English below. Also, videos of Rav Edelstein are available online with English subtitles. Just please watch out for the extraneous explanation points (!!!!) imposed within the subtitles (which also appear in this video in the Hebrew subtitles); they reflect the transcriber's understandable excitement over the words of the talmid chacham, rather than the authentic reflection of the talmid chacham's tone of voice. 

I'll go over what Rav Edelstein says in English, but what's valuable here is the rav's facial expressions as he speaks. It's worth watching for that, even if you don't understand the Hebrew. His facial expressions are very telling.

So...the questioner presents the dilemma of a 12-year-old boy who doesn't want to daven, and asks what to do. How much should the parent insist on prayer at the proper times? (For example, Kriyat Shema needs to be said by a certain time in the morning, and Shacharit needs to be said before noon, etc.)

Please notice how the rav listens intently to the question, giving it his full focus.

Then the rav answers: "B'darchei noam" — literally: "with ways of pleasantness."

This is a famous & common phrase in Judaism.

(Again, please ignore the boldface letters & explanation point in the subtitle of the rav's answer. Rav Edelstein isn't yelling or pounding on the table; he's speaking with equanimity. Again, the boldface & exclamation point indicate the transcriber's enthusiasm and not the rav's emotional state or tone of voice.)

​The rav repeats "only b'darchei noam" a couple of times, adding "bli kefiyah — without force."

When the questioner asks about nagging the child, the rav's tone becomes stern as he says, "No, no, no, no" and he makes a face as if someone placed a plate of rotten eggs in front of him (00.28-00.30).

The rav then explains that the parent should use encouragement to awaken the child's desire to daven.

"The child knows what's good," says the rav.

In other words, the child already knows what he's supposed to do. He simply doesn't want to daven.

It's an issue of desire, not awareness or knowledge.

So via encouragement, a parent can awaken the right desire. Nagging & compulsion don't help, says the rav.

When the rav mentions the word b'kefiyah again at point 00:43-00:45, you see how his whole face frowns just at the idea of chinuch b'kefiyah — via force.

"It's forbidden to force the child," says the rav, calling such a method "chinuch hafuch — backwards (or upside-down) education," which, the says, leads to the opposite result of what's intended & doesn't positively influence the child "at all."

Instead, the rav recommends encouraging the child in a way that's "interesting" and "friendly" from a state of "love." (01:02-01:07)

He also mentions the role example plays in proper chinuch (01:09-01:13) "A child does what the father does," says the rav. "There's the nature of imitation."

Then the rav repeats "b'darchei noam," adding that the child shouldn't feel like there's any criticism of him.

"If a child perceives criticism," says the rav at 01:37, "that hurts him a lot. It causes the child to 'throw off the yoke'." (Meaning, the sweet "yoke" of Torah & mitzvot.)

​Rav Edelstein continues, "It's forbidden to say criticism. This is an important rule in chinuch. He shouldn't perceive criticism of himself. That's the rule."

​It's interesting that just the mentioned of "nagging" caused instinctive repulsion in the rav.

Many people do not consider nagging in the same category as criticism or compulsion.

This is why it's so important to hear what the REAL Torah Sages say.

Meaning, not just the ones who attained intellectual knowledge of Torah, but the ones who've INTERNALIZED the Torah they've learned.

Due to their genuine wisdom, real Torah Sages have a whole different way of perceiving things.

And if we listen to them, we become wiser too.

Following on the heels of a previous post (A Little Bit about My Journey of Discovery from "Imitation" (albeit well-intentioned) Chinuch to Authentic Torah Chinuch), I wanted to share a bit more about utilizing modern experts & advice.

As much as a lot of the modern stuff has disappointed me, some of it is helpful.

As much we should be combing Chazal (like the Pele Yoetz, which discusses parenting throughout the book) for proper guidance, we can also receive ideas from people in our own times.

And even though a lot of child psychology is not as helpful or effective as proclaimed, there can be value in a particular method that has been observed and/or tried hundreds of times, and shown to work effectively in a particular situation.

Hashem sends messengers to help us out.

So if we read something or hear something that pops on the light bulb for us, then that is from Hashem, and it's probably meant to be utilized.

How so?

First of all, consider the source:

​For example: If the source's experience is primarily based on Girl World, and you need help with your boy, the source (whether written or verbal) is unlikely to help you.

In fact, it can even make you feel bad for no reason.

(Please note I did not say that such a source will NEVER help you. Maybe it will. But it's unlikely.)

If the source lacks experience with your situation, whether it's parenting as a widow or widower, or navigating child-rearing with joint-custody after a divorce, or dealing with a highly sensitive child or an ADHD-type child or a learning disabled child...the source is unlikely to be helpful if it lacks specific experience.

​Even if the source thinks that toddlers are bundles of cuteness & fun, the source should still be able to understand why some parents find that phase the most difficult.

If the source cannot relate to someone who isn't exactly like them, then you are VERY unlikely to receive the help you need.

In fact, such a source can even make you feel very bad about yourself for absolutely NO LEGITIMATE REASON.

​This means you will go around feeling bad when you should actually feel good.

There is absolutely NO logical reason or benefit for an overall good parent who is sincerely trying to feel like he or she is a bad or a failure, or whatever.

It serves no purpose and is taka harmful.

​Throughout the Eighties & into the Nineties, secular child pop psychology assumed that parents would be terrible if they weren't told exactly what to do.

(If you convince parents they cannot function without your books & counseling sessions, that also helps you make a lot more money.)

Books & articles & talkshows gushed with personal stories of all sorts of abuse & insensitivity that normal people would never dream of doing.

(Or never do more than a handful of times throughout their entire parenting career; certainly not daily or weekly or even monthly.)

Unfortunately, many chinuch people in the frum community adopted this same style and engorged books, articles, and classes with very disturbing stories as a "warning" to parents about how bad this behavior is.

The problem with this approach is it assumes the parent NEEDS to hear this.

The implication is: If the parent doesn't hear this disturbing story of extremely disturbing & abusive behavior, then the parent will ALSO behave in this same abusive & disturbing way.

This is simply is not true for the vast majority of frum parents, who are idealistic and wish to do whatever is best for their child, no matter how difficult.

This idealism & dedication are especially true for new mothers fresh out of Beis Yaakov or a BT seminary.

There is no need to relate to them as if they possess some demon hidden deep inside & just waiting for them to have children so this demon can finally be released.

Muwahahahahahaha...!

Also, that is not the Jewish way to relate to each other.

The core neshamah is all good and we are also commanded to give the benefit of the doubt & assume the best about every Jew — even parents! — unless there is a solid reason not to.

Assuming the worst about a person is a non-Jewish attitude.

The Jewish way is to relate to people as if they mean well and are basically good, but maybe just need a hand in getting to where they need to be.

​As stated before on this blog, mothers who feel bad about themselves will NOT parent well.

​So shaming or chastising the mother is usually a very harmful method.

(Disclaimer: There may be exceptions to this, but I believe those exceptions are rare. In general, making a mother feel bad or abnormal is very harmful to both her and her children.)

Even if they have good middot & good intentions, the yoke of self-loathing or despair is too heavy for them to carry AND still perform their essential tasks well.

Some mothers will hit or yell at their children if they feel bad. They'll say hurtful things they don't even mean.

Some will act neglectfully or distance themselves from their children, whether emotionally or physically (like immersing themselves in their career or social life or chessed activities or novels & magazines or social media). Their children will feel like they have a robot mother who's not really present.

Some will put on a big act and perform all the technical aspects quite well, including a big smile & a voice full of enthusiasm. But inside, she feels empty, bored, angry, or like she's dying inside.

While putting on a big act is excellent for those times when we aren't feeling well or if we're going through a grueling phase, it isn't ideal as a permanent state of parenting.

The children do sense that their mother doesn't really like them or doesn't really like her role as a mother, though they may not know how to articulate it or even what's wrong with the picture.

​Also, even if a mother really is parenting poorly, making her feel bad DOES NOT HELP.

My favorite rebbetzin once emphasized how important it is not to shame or act judgmentally toward a mother behaving abusively (whether your neighbor or someone you see in the street).

She said, "If you yell at her or rebuke her in some way, she's very likely to wait until she gets home and then REALLY give it to her kid. She'll blame her child for your disapproval."

In other words, if you really care about the child, you will not make the mother feel bad.

She advised doing something to break the moment, like just going up to her and giving a nice (not condescending or mocking) smile and saying "Hi!" even if you both are total strangers.

If it's a neighbor, you can knock on the door and ask to borrow a cup of sugar or say, "I just finished reading this book and I thought it's something you would really like too. Would you like to borrow it?"

​Act like you didn't hear anything at all.

If someone is caught up in a temper, just distracting them with something like the above can be enough to break them out of it. When they turn back to their child, the same fire is simply no longer there.

Sometimes, a sincere & wholly non-judgmental offer of help works wonders.

It's impossible to offer hard-and-fast tips because so much depends on the individual dynamics and what you're capable of yourself, so how you should respond really depends.

But the main point is that even with a dysfunctional mother, making her feel bad about her dysfunctional behavior will make her behave even worse.

(Also, it could be that the dysfunctional behavior is a temporary response to a stressful situation and she KNOWS she's failing & WANTS to behave better, so by you avoiding condemnations and either assisting her or breaking the harsh moment, you are doing something she appreciates, which will also help her get back on keel.)

​Another illustration of how making dysfunctional mothers feel bad backfires:

A non-frum friend of mine grew up with parents who regularly hit her and her siblings. When a siblings behavior at school initiated a recommendation for family counseling, her parents acquiesced (maybe they had no choice?) and attending counseling sessions for several months.

My friend remembers that the physical abuse and the extreme fury stopped, but her parents never became nurturing people.

For example, even when my friend told her mother she loved her, she said her mother never even lifted her eyes from the romance novel she was reading as she replied, "Go away."

So by age 11, my friend learned not to praise or show her mother affection because it only led to rejection.

Later, her mother said, "Oh, we attended therapy when you kids were little, but it never really helped."

"Oh yes it did!" said my friend to me after reporting her mother's comment. "I'm VERY grateful the hitting stopped. I lived in such fear & dread of being hit. At school, I was very shy and fearful and thought that being good meant to be as quiet & unnoticeable as possible. With rare exceptions, the idea of being assertive terrified me and I was sometimes a target for bullying, which I found unendurable. But I was able to overcome a lot of that fear & shyness on my own later."

So making the mother feel bad stopped the physical abuse, but the mother simply switched to emotional neglect instead (because she felt ashamed of having been "caught" and judged unfavorable, and lacked the ratzon to improve).

The point is that you can't really help people who aren't interested in being helped. 

In order for be able people to be able to change for the better, they first need to WANT to be better. They need to WANT to be good.

If they don't want this, then you cannot help them.

But you can at least not make them feel bad, even if they are kind of bad.

If they feel bad about themselves, they will simply take it out on their children, whether via active abuse or neglect of some sort.

Okay, yeah, they're doing it anyway. But you don't need to make it worse.

And all the more so, making a good & dedicated mother feel bad?

What on earth is the point?

​In conclusion, a chinuch source that makes mothers feel bad is generally no good, no matter how highly recommended.

(Note: I have never encountered a chinuch person who INTENTIONALLY used cult tactics. They seem to have no idea. They give the impression more that they feel very passionately about their method and truly feel that one step in the wrong direction will ruin everything. However, these tactics are still inappropriate.)

This connects to the above idea because cults operate by making people feel bad, and then offering themselves as the solution & salvation.

So a chinuch teacher or method that makes you feel like, without them, you will be abusive and/or your child will end up off the derech is some way?

In other words, "My way is the ONLY way...OR ELSE!"

That's a cult tactic.

Hashem is intimately involved and they cannot make such statements.

Some of our Gadolim had parents who weren't up to par. You don't hear about it so much because it's lashon hara, but when you read biographies, you come across vague indications of it.

In fact, one who became a tremendous tzaddik and extremely loving person sounded like he didn't have such nurturing parents.

There is another man that Rav Avigdor Miller mentions in his lectures whom Rav Miller describes as incredibly sweet with beautiful middot, and this man endured terrifying beatings from his father.

Other parents are very good, yet they have at least one child who goes off the derech in some way.

So while proper chinuch is vitally important, it isn't the only factor in who the child will become later.

Playing on a parent's fear to get them to conform is a cult tactic.

If the chinuch teacher explains the necessity of a particular aspect of his or her method by telling a scary story of what happened when a good parent simply did not carry out ONE aspect and saying that IS the reason why, then that is a cult tactic.

There were no other influencing factors? The loving parents did EVERYTHING ELSE right but lacked this ONE thing, and that ruined everything?

Believe me, you're going to get more than just ONE thing wrong in your parenting.

ONLY HASHEM IS PERFECT.

Also, Hashem is running things. Probably He had a reason why things turned out as they did.

So if you're made to feel that if you make one false step, you'll ruin everything, then that induces fear & dependence, and it's a cult tactic.

Manipulating parents to conform is a cult tactic.

For example, let's say the chinuch expert declares you must do this-and-such EVERY day OR ELSE...and then when you fail, the chinuch expert says, "Oh, that's okay. Doing it 3 or 4 times a week still works. I just wanted you to think you needed to do it every day just to make sure you'll DO it at least 3 or 4 times a week."

That's manipulating the parent's behavior.

It's wrong to manipulate people like that.

​Each person has his or her own God-given bechirah and it's harmful to steal it away like that.

Furthermore, if the mother never knows that 3 or 4 times a week is actually okay, every time she does it "only" 3-6 times a week, she will feel bad. She'll feel like she's failing her child.

As stated above, feeling bad/despairing/failing actually harms a mother's parenting.

Shaming for very normal feelings or actions is a cult tactic.

If a mother with 4 kids under the age of 5 expresses feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or unable to carry out all the expectations she has of herself, why look at her as if she just sprouted a big hairy wart on her forehead and then say, "Well, yeah, of course! That's just how it is!"

When I witnessed this interaction in a class, part of the reason I felt so stunned was because I admired the young mother for even trying to do all that she did.

Another reason why the teacher's response was so shocking is because when you have little kids that close together, it means you are usually either pregnant (with all the hindrances that entails) or recovering from birth and probably not sleeping through the night because by the time you trained one to sleep through the night, you either have another baby or one on the way.

That's very demanding. So why can't the mother say she's frustrated at not being able to carry out her self-imposed tasks in the way that's more convenient for her?

Also, in response to the teacher's dismissive reply, the young mother's entire body sagged and she looked so defeated.

But why?! She was doing such a good job! Why make her feel like she's not?

​!!!!

Finally, the above interaction happened in a group. Why put down the mother publicly? Is that even halachically allowed?

And that is what cults use too:

Public humiliation is another cult tactic.

Anyway...

On the more positive side: Because these people don't mean to use cult tactics, these chinuch classes aren't really cults.

For example, I never ran into a chinuch teacher or course that displayed other classic cult aspects, such as constantly manipulating you into giving them money (beyond the standard affordable monthly fee), or acting as a front for illegal activities, or encouraging other members to sever ties with you when you leave the group, or isolate you from the outside world, and so on.

But cult tactics are always based on a lack of emuna. 

In short:

If a person believes in Hashem and know that Hashem is running everything perfectly without you (and that you are a shaliach, but not more than that), then you won't:

• feel the need to manipulate followers/attendees/readers/members to do what you want
• feel like your way is the only/best way, regardless of other situations & personalities & capabilities
• feel the need to instill fear in order to elicit obedience
• feel threatened by normal feelings or responses, and thus feel compelled to shame them for these normal feelings or responses

With occasional exceptions, if you follow Hashem's halacha, you will not:
​

• judge your followers/attendees/readers/members l'kaf chovah (unfavorably)
• publicly humiliate or shame them
• respond to them with anger & angry or hurtful words

Again, no one is perfect and we all stumble in the above at times.

But if a chinuch provider is regularly doing the above, then it is certainly not chinuch based on authentic Torah hashkafah.

In my chinuch class, one woman was married to an "idiot savant" type.

​Despite his intellectual brilliance, he constantly behaved inappropriately and did not seem to understand how inappropriate his behavior was.

They ended up divorcing when their children were still young (and she happily remarried later).

Another had a dysfunctional husband, and had received a not-so-ideal upbringing herself. Neither her parents nor parents-in-law were supportive people. She felt innately defective from a young age, and that feeling never left her. 

Another possessed terrific middot and also had a fantastic husband, whom she described as a diamond, but her own upbringing was pretty dysfunctional. Her in-laws demanded high material standards (fortunately, they did not live close by) and her parents and a couple of her siblings were quick to criticize anything they didn't approve of her child-rearing methods (despite the fact that she was a MUCH better parent than all of them).

And others, of course, had very good situations over all. 

Some came from a secular background and simply wished to learn how to raised children in a Torah way. Others came from frum backgrounds, but wished to learn how to deal with the challenges of raising a frum family in this generation.

The point of mentioned the above is that when you are teaching parenting, you face a whole smorgasbord of situations in your audience.

If you're going to shame, chastise, criticize, or in any way make a mother feel bad about herself, you may push her over the edge if she is already feeling bad about herself because she struggles against her own problematic upbringing and her husband and/or parents/in-laws are already yelling at her and cutting her down.

Or because she is already overwhelmed with dealing with problems in her home life (including health issues, financial problems, a special needs child, etc.).

You can break such a person.

And if you don't care about the mother, think of the children who are being parented by a crushed mother (in addition to any other problems going on).

So building up people and focusing on their good points, what they're doing RIGHT, is a very important aspect of helping others. (This idea is straight from Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, a big chassidic tzaddik from the past generation.)

A chinuch teacher must be aware of this. I do not understand why so many were not & why some still are not aware.

Several incidents led to me breaking away from a particular chinuch course.

The final wake-up-call was when I wanted to discuss with my rebbetzin my "failure" to parent properly (according to the method of the course).

I poured out how hard I was trying yet how I felt that I was ​falling further & further behind.

She listened thoughtfully (and with increasing concern), then said, "I don't know exactly how to say this and I don't mean to interfere in your decisions, but...are you sure this course is good for you?" 

"What do you mean?" I said, shocked. After all, this course was teaching me the Torah way of raising children! (Which I was increasingly failing to do, for some reason I couldn't fathom...must be because I was innately defective, I guessed...)

Very hesitantly and with sincere concern, she said, "Well, it's just that it seems to be making you feel bad."

It's like she was speaking a foreign language.

Feel? What do feelings have to do with following a rabbinically endorsed chinuch method? Ours is not to feel good, ours is to do or die!

So I expressed my bewilderment at her statement.

​After all, if I'm not parenting properly, why should I feel good? I'm NOT being "good," I'm not doing things "right," so why should I feel good?

​Also, aren't we supposed to do things whether we like them or not? After all, I really dislike checking for bugs & worms in food; I even dread doing it (because I'm not so into slow, nitpicky things like that), but I do it anyway because that's the halacha.

So why would this be different?

"Yeah," she said, "except that you sound like you feel BAD about YOURSELF. You're not supposed to feel bad about YOURSELF! Also, I KNOW you. You're a good person. You're a good mother. Why should you feel BAD?"

And it was like someone whisked off a blackout curtain that had been draped over my face.

I suddenly saw things clearly.

I was trying to be a good mother. And even if I wasn't up to par, as long as I was sincerely trying, why should I feel so bad about myself?

​Why should I feel like such a failure?

​Why should I feel defeated and hopeless and like my children have no chance of turning out well simply because I cannot juggle bowling balls while jumping through all the sky-high hoops the teacher set for us? 

And so I quit. 

To recap, here are questions to ask yourself:

1. Does the source have experience with your type of child?
2. ​Is the source able to understand & empathize?
3. ​Does the source consider parents generally good or generally bad?
4. ​Does the source make you feel bad about yourself as a person and/or parent?
5. ​Does the source use cult tactics to get you to parent according to their method?

The answers to the above should be:

1. Yes.
2. Yes.
3. Generally good.
4. No.
5. No.

Warning Signs 

Answering the above questions negatively:

1. No.
2. No.
3. Generally bad.
4. Yes.
5. Yes.

And beware of the following cult tactics (even if they're carried out unintentionally):
​

• ​Creating the impression that their method is the ONLY way (when it's not halacha)
• Inducing dependency on the expert or shitah
• Inducing fear 
• Playing on the parent's fears

• Shaming for very normal feelings & actions
• Public humiliation (even in a minor way)

The above includes articles & books, not just classes or consultations.

This post has been a somewhat negative what-NOT-to-do article, so I'd like to end with a positive here's-what-you-can-do-instead! message.

One of my children is an enneagram Six, which is one of the most complex personality types.

They possess many wonderful innate qualities, but they also struggle with anxiety & insecurity, which makes them a bundle of contradictions.

For example, if they feel under attack or as if they MIGHT be attacked, they sometimes decide that the best defense is a good offense, and they come out swinging with all their might while shooting from both hips.

But all that aggression emanates from fear.

Their aggression isn't bold or independent in the way that another type of aggression is.

(You can read more about the Six personality type here.)

They can also go hot, then cold, then hot again, then lukewarm, then...you get the picture.

A lot of standard techniques backfire with them.

For example, there is a really lovely frum book about unconditional love toward one's child. The mother in the book repeats to her misbehaving child that even though she doesn't always love his behavior, she always loves HIM deeply & completely.

Doesn't that sound nice?

Ironically, this lovely idea propelled my then 4-year-old son into a state of anxiety.

​He did not even want to hear this statement. Throughout the days, he sought reassurance by repeatedly asking, "Right, you also love my behavior?"

​What am I supposed to say? I don't always love his behavior, nor do I think I should love all his behaviors. But he really needs the reassurance that I do!

To his psyche, loving HIM isn't nearly enough.

So all this makes this type more-complicated-than-average to raise.

You need to read their mind and constantly try to see what's going on beneath the surface of their external behavior.

Anyway, I know I'm not so competent at dealing with this type, and I was having difficulties (especially at bedtime) with this child, who was four at the time.

He couldn't tolerate any disapproval from me, not even a facial expression, but often resisted the bedtime routine (brushing teeth, getting into bed, going to sleep) with every fiber of his being, even if he was tired.

And even something as small as a stern look from me elicited a volatile response.

Then Hashem had me remember that Miriam Adahan's book Awareness has tips for dealing with this type of child.

So I opened to the appropriate chapter (Type Six, Part II, For Parents, page 284) and saw that first of all, the author addresses loving parents and reassures them that they shouldn't blame themselves if they see this insecure, demanding behavior in a child.

That's a good sign right there.

​She assumes her reader is a loving parent (although she acknowledges that not all parents are) and immediately brushes away the blame game.

Then she explains why a common emotional parental response does not work with this child, and also offers a variety of alternatives, explaining why they do work.

This allowed me to use my God-given bechirah to analyze if & how this applied to my situation. (It does.)

What jumped out at me was the advice to hold the child in a comforting embrace davka when the child is being obnoxious.

This is not my innate style (I'm more straight-forward & oppose "rewarding" bad behavior) nor is it anywhere in my upbringing. 

But based on the author's explanation (which made a lot of sense), I decided to give it a try.

Also, when the book explained why this method works, it was not accompanied by the fear-inducing cult tactics I encountered in the chinuch course (i.e., the book did NOT say something like: "You MUST do this because once upon a time, there was a mother who did not hug her obnoxiously behaving child when he was behaving obnoxiously and he went on to become a serial killer — all because she did not hug him while he was obnoxious.")

And she didn't try to pass off the suggestion as "the authentic Torah way" (although maybe our heilige ancestors did indeed do it); the suggestion was clearly based on her own experience and/or research.

The point is that she had experience with this method & saw that it really did work for this specific dynamic.

So at bedtime, there we were in what had become our usual bedtime formation:

Me sitting at the foot of the bed and him stomping on his pillow while swinging the other leg over the headboard and shouting at me that he doesn't love me and other unfavorable opinions of what kind of mother he thinks I am.

So even though it is not my inclination to respond in the following way, I went according to the book and said something like, "Even if you don't love me, even if you hate me, I still love very much and I always will no matter what."

(I couldn't hold him because he was too far away and too volatile for me to hug.)

But those words immediately soothed him down.

He looked taken aback, then he smiled and said, "I don't hate you!"

Then he came closer and I could finally hold him and repeat that I love him no matter what, even if he doesn't love me.

Within seconds, a fierce & angry bear had softened into a loving, affectionate, accommodating kitten.

We only needed to go through this maybe once or twice more before the freak-out behavior stopped. He can still be difficult at bedtime (mostly because, like most children, he doesn't want to go to bed), but he no longer goes berserk.

And it even paved the way for his own free expression of affection.

After this, he started initiating hugs throughout the day and telling me he loved me very much.

In fact, when we sat together at a bus stop and another lady asked me about the route of a particular bus, this same son suddenly pulled himself into standing on the bench, lunged at my head & wrapped his arms around my head (nearly knocking me over and also forcing me to hold on to my hair-covering for dear life) and said, "What a lovely mother (ima chamoodah) you are! How much I LOVE you!"

This was both embarrassing & gratifying, but the lady just seemed amused.

So...I obviously do not know everything and still need help and guidance, especially in dealing with any child who is very different than me.

And that's normal.

The situation was set up in exactly this way by HASHEM Himself.

​As mentioned in the previous post, the Pele Yoetz sets up certain guidelines for parenting, but even so, he still leaves a lot up to the reader's own discernment because as the Pele Yoetz outright acknowledges, situations & dynamics vary so much from one to the other, it's impossible to offer detailed concrete advice to a general audience.

So yeah, for specific situations, I need to look outside myself for the answer because I simply don't have it.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

Sometimes I ask Hashem.

Other times, I head toward a book or article that I feel holds the answer.

I won't consult with an actual person at this point because I've been burned too many times doing that, but reading, davening, inquiring of Hashem seem to meet my needs just fine.

It doesn't mean that things are perfect; Hashem always sends us challenges & different forms of tzaar gidul banim.

​But it just means that I'm more likely to meet my challenges in the way that Hashem wants me to.

For more on this topic, please see:

• A User's Guide to Chinuch Advisers and Classes

​

• How Turning to Torah Can Help Us Sift through A Lot of Confusion to Find the Right Path (with a special emphasis on chinuch)

​​

• A Little Bit about My Journey of Discovery from "Imitation" (albeit well-intentioned) Chinuch to Authentic Torah Chinuch

Note #1: I purposely blurred details of negative experiences because I don't want any particular person identified. The purpose of this post isn't to malign a specific person. And for all I know, the authors or teachers have come to regret the above-mentioned approach & tactics. After all, I sure wouldn't want anyone judging me on something I said or wrote 20 years ago!

What if they completely regret some of the things they said or wrote, and wish they'd never even thought such things?

People change over time.

Note #2: Everything really is from Hashem and as much as the previously mentioned methods & tactics hurt both me & my children, the positive outcome has been that I've become zealous about giving regular people chizuk and build them up by focusing on their good points and what they're doing right, and especially to give chizuk and accolades to young mothers new to parenting.

Why?

Because I learned on my own cheshbon how detrimental is the opposite.

So that's a positive outcome of the pain & confusion.

When my 2 oldest boys were much younger (like ages 5 & 6, maybe?), I took them to visit a friend on Shabbos night until the men came home from davening.

This friend is one of those super-efficient super-competent types. Upon our arrival, she immediately showed my sons a toy she was sure they'd enjoy.

And they did.

Having never seen this particular toy before, they weren't sure how to use it. But they were pretty good at figuring out stuff & enjoyed figuring out stuff together, so I knew that would occupy them nicely & appreciated her thoughtfulness.

Then my friend noticed they were unfamiliar with the toy and immediately got down on the floor with them to show how it worked.

​She did so with a lot of friendly confidence, enabling each boy to have a turn and see how to do it himself.

According to the "textbook" approach, everything she did was exactly right.

Except that one of my boys (the one most like me) found it overwhelming.

For him, her proximity was too close, her face leaning down to smile at him was too much in his face, and her approach of showing him how to do it then intently watching him do it himself, and even her enthusiastic right-in-his-face "Great! You did a great job with that — what a smart boy!" was all too overwhelming.

He got that turtle-trying-to-huddle-into-his-shell posture while looking at her with wide eyes that clearly said "This is such a nice friendly lady — why is she digging so hard into my kishkes?"

Wholeheartedly identifying with him, yet not wanting to hurt my friend (because she was going out of her way to be so considerate of them & it's not her fault she can't read minds), I gently maneuvered him up to sit with me on the sofa and he looked much relieved.

"What's wrong?" my friend chirped, genuinely surprised as she leaned way too close to his face again. "It's okay if you didn't get it the first time! You were doing really well! Do you want to try it again? Do you want me to do it with you? C'mon, don't feel bad — I'll do it with you!"

I put a gentle, yet protective arm around my son who was again looking at her like he couldn't believe that such a nice friendly lady was totally frying out all his sensory nodes, and nicely explained to her that he was genuinely happy observing.

That wasn't completely true, of course.

The truth is that he was genuinely happy figuring out the toy with his not-much-older brother and would've been perfectly happy doing that.

​But now that the dynamic had changed, he felt much better sitting next to his mommy and observing the goings-on from the sofa.

Then she leaned a little too close (for his individual liking) and said, "You want to just watch? Are you sure? Well, that's okay! If you feel more comfortable just watching, then that's totally fine! But whenever you feel like coming down on the floor to play again, that's fine too!"

I found the whole thing amusing because she was being so helpful & accepting, but had no clue that for what they now call "a highly sensitive personality," her approach wasn't innately wrong or bad, but simply too overwhelming.

Like I said, I'm like this too, so I very much understood my son, but I also understood that my friend was totally innocent because highly sensitive children need telepathy in order to really meet their needs, and you simply can't win every single time.

My friend WAS being sensitive to his needs — just not in the way he truly needed.

So I made a mental note to speak with him later so that he'd feel normal & also understand more about people who can't read his mind so that he'll learn how to deal with such situations in the future.

What intrigued me, however, was the response of my other son: It was the exact opposite.

He LOVED her approach. He thrived on it.

He automatically moved close to her and got so close that he nearly melded with her.

He came alive and responded her remarks, asked her questions, and performed all the little maneuvers, thriving on all the attention and the positive response from her.

He was glowing.

When she needed to get up to attend to her own children, his body sagged in disappointment. He'd enjoyed the whole interplay with her so much.

When her husband came home from shul, it was hard to get my older son to leave and then he immediately wanted to know when he could come back again.

Despite the fact that, of course, I knew that different children possess different natures and need to be dealt with accordingly, the above situation proved an eye-opening experience.

For example, I knew that some kids love sports and some kids hate sports.

Some kids are bookworms and some kids can't even finish a comic book.

And so on and on and on.

But it simply hadn't occurred to me that what I always perceived as an "invasive" approach that made me (and my second son, apparently) feel intensely uncomfortable would not only be so desirable to my older son, but be exactly what he needs to make him come alive & thrive!

That's a VERY big difference in approach. 

As we walked home that same Shabbat, I asked my older son how he liked my friend's interaction with him and why.

He was very enthusiastic about her and answered my questions as best he could. (He was very young, so I didn't expect much insight, but was happy with whatever I could get out of him because it was a learning experience for me too.)

At that point, I resolved to interact more with him in a way that felt unnatural to me because I saw that his innate nature really needed this type of highly involved interaction.

So I resolved to try harder to interact with him in a way that "gets into his kishkes" — which is what that feels like for me — because for him, it feels very caring & speaks to his deepest nature.

For those familiar with the Enneagram and the way to relate to the Type Eight child's personality (my older son's personality, which thrived on the intensely involved interaction), his response is no surprise.

For those unfamiliar with the Enneagram, Type Eights are the most stereotypically masculine type (including female Eights). And I mean that in a positive way. They're very independent, capable, savvy, decisive, assertive types who are not particularly fearful or insecure. They like to get things moving in life, whether in work or play.

You find these types a lot in the police, fire brigade, combat units, rescue units, competitive sports, leadership or managerial positions, and so on. A lot of businessmen & women are also Eights.

While talking about how to best raise an Eight child is a entire post in itself, let's just say that for them, consistency IS love. They don't differentiate between consistency & love...which means that a parent must be consistent at all times. 

This means sticking to the rules & standards of the home.

​It means being involved with them and always aware of where they are and what they're doing. (Admittedly, easier said than done.)

It also means being emotionally consistent (i.e., you the parent aren't ever too angry or too perky or too this or too that — as far as emotional expression goes, you are even-keeled). And yes, it's a massive challenge for those of us with very emotional natures.

You can learn more about this personality type here: Type Eight — The Enneagram Institute.

Anyway, I was taking a chinuch course at that time, and the above situation was my first inkling that the very idea of "one general method" applicable to all children cannot be correct.

And therefore, it cannot be effective.

Having said that, yes, of course, chinuch teachers acknowledge that there are different types of personalities. The course I attended back then also did (kind of), and even offered (superficial) tips for dealing with this or that personality.

The problem is it still lacked a lot of insight and depth necessary to relate to EACH child properly.

And the course only entertained one or two personality types outside the "norm" (which doesn't really exist either).

And when the general methods either did NOT work on my child — or even worse, when they backfired and MADE LIFE WORSE, there was no chinuch book or consultant who helped me.

In fact, speaking privately with the chinuch teacher (when I could get a hold of the teacher) not only did not help, but made things worse — including make me feel worse about myself.

Ultimately, reading Miriam Adahan's book on the Enneagram (Awareness: The Key to Acceptance, Forgiveness, and Growth) and then intense study of the Enneagram via Riso & Hudson's Enneagram books helped me identify & understand my son's psyche.

That, combined with listening to adult Eights describe their experiences as children, plus my own observations of what worked with them and what did not, enabled the formulation of a personalized method for dealing with the Eight personality.

But by then, he was eleven and it was almost too late.

He'd been raised mostly wrong for his nature.

Now please don't misunderstand.

I really love him and he loves me too.

​I really like how he has turned out, but I also see where I failed him.

I feel bad where I didn't parent him according to HIS needs — according to his particular and valuable psyche.

Type Eight is a great personality. These people are valuable assets to the world.

But it takes both savvy & resolve to raise them right.

I'm also resentful (yes — even after all these years!) of the "experts" who gave me such harmful advice AND made me feel bad about myself as a person & a mother in the process.

Intellectually, I know I shouldn't be resentful. After all, they meant well and anyway, it was all from Hashem for my own good.

In a nutshell, it's much easier to do teshuvah for your own wrong thinking & wrong actions.

​At the same time, it is significantly more challenging to do teshuvah over ANOTHER PERSON'S wrong thinking & wrong actions (which is what following bad advice actually is).

​Furthermore, young mothers tend to be very vulnerable because they are so young & overwhelmed with all their tasks, yet also very idealistic & impressionable & willing to do anything for their family.

So that combination makes them very vulnerable.

And their youth & inexperience & idealistic desperation to do anything for their children makes it easy to convince them to do the wrong thing (for their situation).

And their youth & inexperience & impressionability also makes it easy to make them feel bad about themselves.

​And from personal observation & experience, I promise you that a mother CANNOT parent well if she feels bad about HERSELF.

It doesn't matter what personality she has or how good her middot are.

I've seen this again and again and again: As long as the mother feels bad about HERSELF, she will not be able to parent her children properly.

​Too much emotional energy gets sucked into just keeping her head above water while she's lugging these negative feelings around.

I understand the good intentions behind the not-so-good methods of a lot of chinuch people.

Also, whether we're teachers or parents, we're bound to make mistakes and miss important cues no matter how hard we try and how good our intentions are.

That's all normal. Only Hashem is perfect.

But I still do not understand making mothers feel bad about themselves or making them feel like there's something wrong with them for things like...feeling overwhelmed about very normal aspects mothering.

And stuff like that.

Ultimately, I started turning to Chazal for wisdom & guidance.

I wanted to see for myself if all the stuff people kept spouting (while claiming derivation from "authentic Torah sources!") was true.

After all, it sure wasn't working for me.

And it so closely resembled the pop psych I'd read as a teenager, plus psychology and sociology classes I'd taken in college. It surprised to me to constantly encounter those secular Western methods and ideas in the frum world being touted as authentic Torah hashkafah.

And when I started reading Chazal, I discovered that their methods & claims simply were not true after all. (They weren't lying per se, but getting caught up in what they believed were good ideas and then finagled Torah sources to fit their philosophies.)

You can read another example of that type of thing here: Seeking Advice. Please scroll down to the section titled: The Explosion of Learning Secular Psychology Amongst Torah Jews.

And just to be clear: I don't think it's automatically bad to use studies and the observations of psychologists.

​I use them myself sometimes.

​For example, if someone observed a pattern in 1000 similar situations, then that person's observations probably contain some helpful information.

But people shouldn't receive the impression it's from authentic Torah thought or an authentic Torah tradition. It's actually from a 20-year study or Dr. Spock or The Dance of Anger or I'm Okay—You're Okay, John Bradshaw or 5 Love Languages, or an article by a frum psychologist in a frum magazine...and NOT from King Shlomo's Mishlei or Rav Dessler or a Jewish grandmother's actual massoret (chain of tradition).

(The truth is, sometimes I think that they themselves did not realize what their actual source was. These things can get mixed together in one's mind. So again, it's good intentions with not such a good result.)

The truth is that I'm more resentful of making mother feel really bad & despairing than I am of the actual bad advice​ because the advice was given in good faith, but as for the accompanying attitude...?

At one point, I discovered the Pele Yoetz by Rav Eliezer Papo and when he spoke about child-rearing, he spoke about raising a child according to the individuality of EACH child.

In fact, that WAS his general advice!

Here it is in the chapter Ahavat Habanim v'habanot/Love of the Sons & the Daughters:

So that's the primary goal right there, and everything you do with your child needs to maintain this goal in mind.

​And goal is to prevent the child from sinning.

AND you need to do it according to EACH child's INDIVIDUAL daat & middot.

When Rav Papo declares something to be "the rule," it should really make us stand up and take notice.

​So there we go.

Throughout the book, Rav Papo says that raising a child to prevent him or her from sinning requires fluidity:

Sometimes you need to speak to a child and sometimes you need to remain silent.

​Sometimes you need to show a child that you noticed what he or she did, and other times, it's best to pretend you are deaf, blind, and mute.

Sometimes you need to be strict with your child, but sometimes you should nullify your will before the child's will.

That's what he says.

It depends all on what's best for THAT INDIVIDUAL CHILD, according that child's INDIVIDUAL AGE, and his or her INDIVIDUAL MIND, and his or her INDIVIDUAL PERSONALITY QUALITIES.

That's what he says in the book. Literally:
​

• "shanav (his years, i.e. his age)"
• "middotav (his qualities, his personality traits")
• "daato (his mind)"

He repeats these principles throughout the book.

When I was learning chinuch, the chinuch teachers would SAY they were doing the above, but then not really do it.

For example, a chinuch teacher might make a rule about 5-year-olds.

On one hand, that's good.

They're taking his age (shanav) into account.

On the other hand, not all 5-year-olds are the same.

Different 5-year-olds have different daat & middot.

So you can't generally say "Do this-and-such" with 5-year-old without taking into account "daato" and "middotav."

This is also true for obstinate children, rebellious children, hyper children, emotional children, and so on.

Not all obstinate children are obstinate for the same reason — ditto with rebellious or hyper or emotional children. (Or any other type.)

Shanav, middotav, daato.

Obstinate children, rebellious children, etc. are not clones of each other. Believe me.

Also, boys & girls are different. I'm not talking about easier or harder.

Different.

Meaning, what works for your female chinuch teacher in her class of first-grade girls or ninth-grade girls or what works for her mostly girl family and her sons interspersed among sisters (as opposed to having other boys near his age) will most likely NOT work for your boy-only family when you have 4 of them under the age of 7 and the oldest is a Type Eight.

​Seriously.

Rav Papo also emphasized that a parent's love of his or her children MUST emanate from a love of Hashem.

Do they ever discuss loving Hashem in a chinuch class or a chinuch book?

Not that I ever heard. Your experience may be different. (To be fair, I mostly do not read much modern chinuch, except for regularly reading Rav Avigdor Miller and also Rav Shimon Gruen's newsletter, both of which I benefit from a lot, and other material I come across...IF I consciously decide it might be helpful. In the interest of full disclosure, I also receive Dr. John Rosemond's monthly newsletter, but that is more for the purposes of entertainment and/or gratification, plus to keep tabs on what's going on in the Western world of parenting.)

It could easily be that the chinuch people did not even know that love of children should emanate from love of Hashem.

It could be an honest mistake because if they never read Pele Yoetz, then how would they know?

Or it could be that they both knew & mentioned this in their classes & books, but simply felt it more practical to focus on practical methods rather than the ideology. 

Maybe chinuch people are emphasizing ahavat Hashem now as it relates to chinuch. I do not know. They weren't when I had young children, not in books and not in lectures.

But anyway, that's the basis for parental love — and the Pele Yoetz is an "authentic Torah source" you can count on.

​Here is more about that from Ahavat Habanim V'habanot/Love of the Sons & the Daughters:

KOL magamato — one's ENTIRE focus?

Rav Papo isn't mincing words here.

If your entire focus & goal of loving your children should be for them to produce nachat ruach for Hashem, then don't you think that should be discussed regularly in chinuch classes or books? 

Meaning, maybe we should regularly praise our children by saying things like, "Good girl for doing netilat yadayim — you just made Hashem VERY happy!"

Most people say "good girl" (or "good boy"). But according to the Pele Yoetz, we need emphasize Hashem's Happiness with the action. (Actually, a lot of parents do emphasize Hashem's Happiness, by the way. That's great. But it apparently needs to be a major focus of chinuch classes. Maybe it is now. But it wasn't when I was in that phase.)

The other major emphasis of the Pele Yoetz is: parental tefillah.

He even wrote special prayers for parents to say over their children.

From the chapter Chinuch/Educating the Youth:

By the way, the Pele Yoetz offers even more guidance throughout the book than what's noted here.

And also, in the interest of full disclosure, as mentioned above, I still read what modern chinuch experts say. I'm just much more discerning now & really limit it.

Whatever non-Chazal material I look at is read with the above principles in mind.

For example, if I see that an expert discusses an issue with which I'm struggling, I examine what they say about it and then act according to my own perception of their advice and my situation.

Meaning, sometimes I'll follow their advice to the letter; other times, I'll utilize their advice but make adjustments to fit my child & my situation.

And according to the Pele Yoetz, that's exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

Note #1:
To see the Pele Yoetz with your own eyes, please go to:
https://itorah.com/pele-yoetz

Find the chapter you wish to see.

Press on the arrow to hear a class by Rabbi Eli Mansour about that chapter or click on the 3 dots to the right of the chapter and choose whether you wish to read the chapter in the original Hebrew or in the English translation.

Note #2:
The above translations of the Pele Yoetz are my own, and therefore, any errors are also mine.

Note #3
Lately, I've been moving away from the Enneagram to learn the system frequently mentioned by Chazal, that of the 4 Elements (and also because, based on their last book, the non-Jewish proponents of the Enneagram seem to be drifting toward Eastern mysticism). But I'm grateful that Hashem sent me the Enneagram when I needed it & this post mostly refers to that time.

Note #4
Not everything in the chinuch classes & books was either ineffective or harmful. Some of it was genuinely helpful. But the helpful stuff (like how to potty-train) I either could've gotten from my Yerushalmi neighbors or figured out with a few minutes of focused thought and conversation with Hashem (like the importance of even a few minutes of one-on-one time with each child on a more-or-less daily basis).

There's a woman in our shul who came with her family from Iran when she was around 5.

She always struck me as a profoundly spiritual & modest person. She emanates serenity & intelligence, and she loves davening in the beit hakenesset.

I saw her in shul with her teenage & preteen daughters, and their body language as they followed the davening showed that they also absorbed their mother's appreciation of davening in shul.

It was beautiful to see them cradled over their siddurim without raising their eyes from the page. No sideways glances, no elbowing & gesturing & smiling, no whispering...just immersion in tefillah.

Another time, I got an important mussar lesson when observing how this mother responds to people who lack her level of derech eretz & reverence for the shul tefillah.

During the reading of Megillat Esther one year, an elderly Iranian lady sat next to this mother. (They aren't related.) Due to leaving Iran for America in her fifties and then to Eretz Yisrael more recently, this elderly Iranian lady never learned English or Hebrew very well, and understandably prefers to speak in Farsi if she possibly can.

Because the Iranian mother knows Farsi well, the elderly lady understandably likes speaking to her.

During the Megillah-reading, the elderly lady leaned over to the Iranian mother to make a few remarks.

This was very surprising because of the obligation to hear every single word of the Megillah, making absolute silence an imperative.

Also, people from the elderly lady's generation tend to display more reverence for these things because back in their old country (Iran, in this case), breaches in disrespect were not tolerated the way they are today. And those former communities behaved with such respect that people didn't really think to behave differently.

Anyway, the elderly lady shifted back into position and just stared ahead.

The Iranian mother turned her head to gaze at the elderly lady for a long moment with more sternness (not anger, but sternness) than I ever imagined she was capable of.

(Without knowing what the elderly lady said, it could be that part of the sternness related to inappropriate remarks, in addition to speaking when forbidden.)

The elderly lady did not notice.

The Iranian mother was clearly pondering how to handle this breach so it would not happen again.

It's not so straightforward because she cannot speak either, nor can she behave disrespectfully toward an elder.

That's when the Iranian mother rose with firm resolve, walked over to the curtained window of the mechitzah, and planted herself there for the rest of the reading.

This was an excellent resolution to the problem. No one can talk to her now!

And yes, her daughters were all observing this closely. What a beautiful example their mother set for them.

The whole family (with around 8 kids) exudes good middot. I knew the boys first because they went to school with my boys, and I was always impressed with their derech eretz. The older girls I also got to know a bit in shul and always admired their consideration and extra sensitivity toward others.

It's hard to imagine that this exceptionally refined & serene woman underwent a serious trauma as a child.

My children told me that when this Iranian mother left Iran with her family at the age of 5, she did so in a suitcase.

Distressingly, the escape did not go so well.

There was shooting & shouting, all of which she heard while trapped inside the suitcase.

She never spoke about it with the children; her husband (who is also an exceptionally fine person) told them. (She doesn't mind that he did that, but she just finds it too traumatic to relate it herself.)

I don't know exactly how the suitcase worked. Were there buckles or zippers? How dark or stuffy or roomy was it in there? Did she have a way to open it from the inside or was she dependent on someone knowing she was inside to set her free?

She feared she might be shot too or that everyone else would be killed, leaving her alone in the suitcase.

Obviously, she wasn't supposed to be in the group at all, hence the need to hide her in the suitcase. So if her presence was discovered, that was also a severe problem.

She couldn't get out, she couldn't move, and she couldn't even cry out.

​All she could do was listen to all the chaos around her & pray for the best.

Fortunately, her family survived the confrontation, she was not abandoned, and she was later released from the suitcase.

I think her parents were also exceptionally fine people and that she was raised very well, but I can't help thinking that the moments of terror inside the suitcase, her child's heart turning to Hashem in those moments, and then her eventual rescue might have a lot to do with her solid emunah & reverence.

She really does give the impression that she's absolutely knows Hashem is always with her and always watching and truly cares about her.

In other words, she behaves as if she is always in His Presence.

It was a horrific, traumatic experience. And maybe the trauma expresses itself in ways I haven't seen.

​But maybe it also defined for her how much Hashem is really there for her — always.

Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv ztz"l (1910-2012) was one of the premier poskim of the entire world before he passed away.

Born in Lithuania in 1910, Rav Elyashiv came to Eretz Yisrael at age 12 with his parents, then spent most of his life in Yerushalayim.

In addition to his vast Torah knowledge covering all topics, he excelled in hasmadah — the dedication to uninterrupted Torah study as much as one possibly can.

In fact, he possibly excelled at hasmadah more than almost anyone else in his time (as far as I know).

Certainly, he could not have achieved the level of hasmadah without the above-and-beyond dedication of his wife, Sheina Chaya (a daughter of Rav Aryeh Levine).

But even with such a wife, most men would still not be able to achieve hasmadah on Rav Elyashiv's level.

So it was definitely a joint effort.

Before telling a story of Rebbetzin Sheina Chaya Elyashiv, Rebbetzin Heller said something like how the Elyashivs' commitment to Torah reached such a high level, it's impossible (i.e. not such a good idea) to share their stories with others because most people cannot follow such an example, and therefore feel frustrated or "Huh?" when hearing them. 

I think it helped that Rav Elyashiv was an introvert and not a physically strong person, but these are only contributing factors to his hasmadah and certainly do not diminish from his unyielding heart-and-soul dedication to Torah study.

And this is davka why a famous video of Rav Elyashiv demonstrates such good mussar for parents.

Probably many (or even most) of you have seen the video of the elderly Rav Elyashiv sitting in his sukkah with lots of people (generations of family members, it seems) milling about.

After taking a moment in which it looks like he sizes up the situation, he delves back into the Gemara open before him.

Then someone announces the arrival of his oldest daughter, Rebbetzin Batsheva, and his son-in-law & fellow talmid chacham Rav Chaim Kanievsky.

Rav Elyashiv doesn't actually smile, but his entire face beams with joy.

His joy increases as his daughter & son-in-law approach and upon seeing them, Rav Elyashiv smiles.

Rebbetzin Batsheva, in addition to being a tzaddekes, was also a very warm & sociable person. She lovingly pats her father on the arm and asks him a couple of times how he's doing.

Though Rav Elyashiv is clearly happy to see his daughter & son-in-law, I get the impression that at his extremely advanced age and health, plus his innate introversion & dedication to Torah learning (something I think that even social introverts can really relate to), he's not so thrilled with all the noise going on around him (though people are considerate & give him his space), but he understands and resigns himself to it.

After the Kanievskys are seated before Rav Elyashiv, Rebbetzin Batsheva decides to tell her father a joke. It's a frum joke with a mussar lesson — not a meaningless joke, but a joke nonetheless.

She asks her whether a fish in an aquarium feels fear on the Day of Judgement.

(Needless to say, this is because aquarium fish are designated for life and not in danger of being eaten by other fish or animals, or caught in a fisherman's net.)

You can only see Rav Kanievsky's face in profile, but he is gazing at his wife with obvious affection and good humor.

And this is where the big parenting lesson comes in.

Rav Elyashiv automatically turns his entire body & face to his daughter, scoots a little closer to her, and channels his entire focus on her face.

He also places his palm over his forehead in exactly the way he did when he learned Torah and zeroes in on his daughter's face.

Then there is some give-and-take between the two of them as he involves himself with what his daughter wants to convey to him.

Strikingly, throughout the entire exchange, Rav Elyashiv relates to his daughter as if she is a sugya in Gemara.

Did he not realize she was just telling him a joke? 

Of course he realized!

And this was the big lesson to me: LOOK at your child when they speak to you.

No matter how simple the conversation is, FOCUS.

Make continuous eye contact. (Or at least keep focusing on their face, if unbreaking eye contact gets too weird or intense.)

Now maybe you're saying to yourself: "Already knew that basic parenting advice — next!"

Or: "I heard that in my parenting class. What's the big chiddush here?"

Or: "Everyone knows this. No one needs to be told this. You must be a really pathetic mother if you didn't know this."

So the thing is...I thought I knew this too.

And I DID "know" it.

And of course you'll hear this in a parenting class.

I also thought I was doing this! I thought of myself as an attentive mother who both talks and listens to her children.

But when I really started making sure to give my child face-to-face focus every time a child wanted to say something to me, I realized how much I actually hadn't been doing it.

​Yeah, I'd been doing it some, but not as much as I really should.

Whether it was "Where's the ketchup?" or a brief humorous comment or something more urgent or serious or conversational, I tried to be like Rav Elyashiv and look them full in the face for however long they spoke, even if I was in the middle of something.

And until like most other women, I'm NOT a good multi-tasker and tend to be one-track-minded. That's just how my brain works. So this proved a bit more challenging than probably for other women.

Especially for very brief comments that come in frequent spurts (like "Where's the ketchup?" and "I found the matching sock!", it's sometimes a bit dizzying to hone in with the proper face-focusing head-swivel each time

​Yet it's definitely worth it.

And I got used to it quickly enough (like any other habit) and anyway, I figure if Rav Elyashiv, one of the greatest masmidim in his time, can do it for his daughter's joke-telling, it must be a very important thing to do. 

Needless to say, I can't always do this. "Always" isn't realistic.

​Sometimes, I just need to finish something or I'm involved with something hot on the stove or coming out of the oven and it's too dangerous to freeze in place and gaze in my child's face as they speak.

Or I forget or simply fail to do so when I should.

That's normal.

​The main thing is to do it more.

And with everything they tell you in parenting classes & parenting books (many — but not all — of which also contain a lot of jumping-through-hoops-while-hopping-on-one-foot-&-juggling-bowling-balls, plus advice that simply is not suited to your individual situation even if it's effective for others), this kind of universally applicable essential can get lost among all the other Vitally-Important-Or-Else! with which many of them inundate you.

But watching truly great people can help us get back to basics.

And it's something that you can actually implement and not wave off as "only for really great people" or "not for our generation, which is such a weak one."

If Rav Elyashiv, a supreme masmid who always did everything in his power to avoid bitul Torah & learn Torah under any & all circumstances can focus with Talmudic intensity on his child as she tells a joke, then that means that eye contact & focus must be vitally important.

And this is something truly important & useful to learn from Rav Elyashiv about parenting.

Years ago, during a blessedly short stint as a kiruv rebbetzin, I found myself with a 4-year-old at home with me all day.

His brother, older than him by 1 grade, needed to be in school. Because of the exorbitant American tuition of private school, we could not afford to put the 4-year-old in school too. 

Fortunately, Hashem had me irrationally (or so I thought at the time) save all his older brother's weekly sum-up sheets (daf kesher) from school last year, so I actually had all the material necessary to homeschool this child.

I decided to get started homeschooling via candy.

That, and this 4-year-old being a particularly well-behaved, acquiescent, and intelligent child, made me believe that homeschooling would be a breeze.

Only it wasn't.

The child refused to learn. He got distracted easily. He wouldn't listen. He wouldn't participate.

I tried different methods (rewards, a this-is-fun! approach, calm yet firm, calm yet stern, etc.) and absolutely nothing worked.

I started to feel like a failure. I also started to panic. Planning return to Eretz Yisrael at some point, I felt frantic about him being place a year behind.

Then I decided to consult with one of the other young women who'd also come from Eretz Yisrael in our kiruv group.

She'd been teaching in Eretz Yisrael for several years and loved her profession. She was also a determined, passionate, intelligent, and organized person whom I was sure could offer me good advice.

(In general, she was good at giving good advice.)

But when I explained my goals and my problems to her, she gazed at me intently without answering.

Finally, she said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but in my experience, parents can't teach their children. Children simply refuse to learn from their parents."

Flummoxed, I began stammering my response. But what about all the homeschooling parents? And what about parents who do homework with their children (knowing full well that homework is often a miserable stress on the parents and the cause of much child-parent tension)?

She shook her head. "I don't know," she said. "It could be that because homeschooling parents started off that way, like the children were never in school, so the children simply adjusted to that reality. Or maybe because they don't offer any other choice, so eventually the children come around."

She sighed and looked at me with great seriousness. "But I really don't know how homeschoolers do it. Because in my experience, it just doesn't happen." She paused. "Even me. My children won't learn from me."

"Really?" I said. "And you know how to teach!"

She nodded with a rueful smile. "Yeah. And I REALLY know how to teach! Parents love me because I give my all to my students and make sure that every one is working up to her full potential. And I've tried teaching my own children. But I just can't. They simple won't learn from me."

It was a comfort to know that I wasn't doing anything wrong; the situation was simply a genuinely challenging one.

So I mostly gave up and baruch Hashem, we were back in Eretz Yisrael a few months later and the 4-year-old was able to catch up.

(Interestingly, it was the older child who got messed up with school and switching languages & programs twice in one year.)

​But why I am telling you this story?

It's not to discourage those of you who have found yourself quarantined into an impromptu homeschool.

By the way, I'm also homeschooling my 5-year-old now. We started off with a couple of minutes of morning davening. (Disappointingly, that was a grueling & frustrating activity for the first week, but then got better). Then we started doing very small amounts of reading. I also expected that to go well because this child loves reading his worksheets from school, but has suddenly dug in his heels about reading with us with no impetus from school (although that also improved a bit recently).

I decided to make parsha and weekly topics his bedtime story, so hopefully that will go well.

And no, we're not overwhelming him. Literally a couple of minutes for davening and then for reading should not be a huge pressure. (Except that for some reason it is. Even with chocolate.)

This time, there really is no choice and I know I must keep plowing ahead. (Asking Hashem to make this go more smoothly has definitely helped.)

But the point is for you homeschoolers to realize that teaching your own children, ESPECIALLY after they've been habituated to classroom schooling, is a real transition and a real challenge.

If you're not accomplishing what you hoped with homeschooling (even if you made sure to start out with minimum standards) or if you're finding it very frustrating and stagnating...then please know there is nothing wrong with you or your child. 

It's the situation.

It's a genuinely difficult situation. As we saw above, even a successful, experienced, professional teacher struggled with teaching her own children.

Yes, it ultimately can be done, and Hashem grants siyata d'Shmaya in situations like this, but please don't blame yourself or think that you're doing something "wrong" or that you're missing some secret "key" to homeschooling.

You're not. You're totally fine.

And also, I've read accounts of committed homeschooling moms who described days that, even for them, the kids just won't settle down to learn or the mom just can't bring herself to teach them that day. (Or even a few days in a row.)

So it's not easy-shmeezy for anyone.

Also, we're all getting ready for Pesach right now.

So...please don't feel bad.

Please feel good.

Because whatever you're doing (even if you haven't actually accomplished much with the kids) is all part of the effort and the transition, and you deserve a lot of credit for any efforts you are making.

On a Rosh Chodesh, not long after we were first married, my Moroccan-born Israeli-bred husband and I went to visit an older cousin of his living in a small but attractive apartment in a predominantly secular neighborhood in Yerushalayim.

Her name was Dina & she served us some leftover hamin (Moroccan cholent), in which every garbanzo bean tasted like it had been cooked individually to perfection.

As we sat in her kitchen, I couldn't help noticing the massive placard of Birkat Hamazon taped to the wall next to the kitchen table, similar to what you find in some schools. Above was a handwritten sign saying: Rosh Chodesh today – ya'aleh v'yavo!!! 

Ya'aleh v'yavo is a special prayer inserted within Birkat Hamazon (and Shemoneh Esrei) in honor of Rosh Chodesh.

That's odd, I thought. Her youngest in his 20s. Why does she need such a large placard by the table?

She must have put it up for her grandchildren, I figured.

Nice. She initially impressed me as more traditional than religious – the type that keeps Shabbat and kashrut, but isn't always knowledgeable in other areas – but apparently she's more knowledgeable & serious about her mitzvah observance than she appeared. Very impressive.

At the time, I also didn't realize she was covering her hair because the shaitel she wore was a very realistic copy of the bordeaux-colored hair popular among older Sefardi women in Eretz Yisrael.

Then I noticed a sign on her fridge: Rosh Chodesh today – don't forget ya'aleh v'yavo!

And on her upper kitchen cabinet, I saw another handwritten sign: Remember – ya'aleh v'yavo!

I was no longer so sure the massive Birkat Hamazon with its accompanying Rosh Chodesh reminder was for her grandchildren because signs on refrigerators & kitchen cabinets are usually for oneself and not for the grandchildren.

Then we moved into the artfully decorated living room, where I saw another massive placard of Birkat Hamazon taped to the azure wall next to the dining room table.

That's definitely unusually because many people don't wish to affect their living room-dining room look with a massive placard of Birkat Hamazon.

I realized that in this home, Birkat Hamazon was of the utmost importance.

And this placard also sat under another handwritten admonishment to remember to say ya'aleh v'yavo.

I realized it must be for her.

Just to make sure, I politely asked her about it.

With a self-conscious yet contented little laugh, she admitted that yes, it was for her. Still, self-conscious she murmured something about how it's just her thing.

"Nice," I enthused. "Very nice, actually."

In all my life, I had never seen someone so concerned about forgetting to say ya'aleh v'yavo during Birkat Hamazon.

Impressed, I wondered where her dedication to ya'aleh v'yavo came from.

And I think I got the answer several years later on the way to a family wedding.

On a special bus reserved for taking my husband's extended family to his brother's wedding, I found myself sitting next to Dina.

Not only did I like Dina, she also had the most beautiful French-Ladino accent on her Hebrew, making her even more of a pleasure to listen to.

Also, whenever I find myself with my husband's older female family members, I always try as gently as I can to get them to tell me about their lives back in Morocco. 

Usually, they're a bit hesitant due to Moroccan culture being looked down on by Ashkenazi (mostly secular) Israelis as primitive. Sometimes, their own children make fun of them for it. The fact that for many (maybe even most) Moroccan Jews, Arabic is their main mother-tongue didn't help things. 

(It's a very Jewish-style Arabic however – it's not Judeo-Arabic, but more like yeshivish English.)

Some cover it up by emphasizing their knowledge of French, but the majority of Moroccan Jews I've met are more comfortable speaking Arabic.

But once you show you're open-minded and even eager (though not too eager, because that can be kind of demeaning too), they usually open right up.

Dina had grown up in Meknes speaking French and Arabic. Then her parents sent her to the Jewish girls school in Tangier, where they spoke Ladino.

Dina was of that age which some girls attended school and some didn't. And no offense to the romanticized image of the pious unlearned Moroccan woman (who did exist, but that type was more characteristic of the generation above Dina), but in Dina's generation, there is a sharp difference between the ones who received a Jewish education and the ones who didn't.

The ones who didn't are often traditional, but not necessarily so pious or so knowledgeable.

I know how weird that sounds because their own mothers were pretty knowledgeable in the areas they needed to be. So why didn't it get passed down to their daughters without a formal education? I'm not sure. I think it has to do with the same ruach that affected the Jewish girls in Europe pre-WWII. The Beis Yaakov girls were stunning in their knowledge, middot, and mesirut nefesh. But most of the girls who did not manage to receive a good formal Jewish education did not end up the same way as the Beis Yaakov girls, even if they had pious mothers. Some did, but most did not.

​But the Moroccan women you'll meet who received a solid Jewish education in Morocco are incredibly committed.

Anyway, I asked Dina if it was Beis Yaakov, and she said it wasn't exactly a branch of Beis Yaakov, but it was very similar to Beis Yaakov.

Because these were sheltered Jewish girls from good families living away from home in a dorm in a country where neither Jews nor females had many rights, the school really watched over the girls like their own daughters.

Dina recalls that in addition to the warmth of the teachers, there were also madrichot (counselors) in the dormitory (which was in the same building as the school, I think). Because girls married by age 18 in Morocco at that time, the madrichot weren't much older than the students, and they were more like big sisters to the students.

One of Dina's warmest memories of her school was Rosh Chodesh.

On Rosh Chodesh, all the girls would get together and produce a meal fitting for Rosh Chodesh, along with a variety of the tasty little Moroccan pastries you see at their simchahs until today.

Then they would all sit down to eat and sing piyutim (poetic Hebrew love songs to Hashem written by holy rabbis), including special piyutim for Rosh Chodesh.

And I realized that this solid foundation in Yiddishkeit is what held Dina so firmly throughout all the years and transitions.

She covered her hair even when it was uncomfortable & unfashionable to do so, like among secular upper-class people who already looked down on her for being Moroccan.

While I normally don't admire shaitels that are indistinguishable from real hair, I feel that in Dina's situation, it's a tremendous virtue & I admire her so much for it.

​It shows her mesirut nefesh for covering her hair. In her situation, there was no other comfortable way to do it.

And now her unique dedication to ya'aleh v'yavo also made sense.

The "Beis Yaakov" of Tangier managed to ingrain into their students a profound appreciation of Rosh Chodesh – a monthly holiday with a special emphasis for women.

And that quiet impact still reverberates many decades later.

Several years ago, I found myself with more time on my hands than I'd had in years.

Baruch Hashem, my Hebrew skills had also improved.

I knew that it was very important for women to know Tanach well (and mussar and relevant halacha), so I decided to study the parsha each week with the major commentaries.

Obviously, that goal meant biting off more than I could chew, which I realized after only a few weeks.

But it also brought some very nice surprises.

First of all, I fell in love with the Kli Yakar's peirush. With so much beautiful metaphor and so much sympathy toward women, it inspired me to focus on him & Rashi for the rest of the year.

Secondly, I realized that seeking out the good points in every scenario was a vital part of cultivating an authentically Jewish mindset.

​No, not whitewashing bad behavior, but simply seeing the positive aspects or intentions of a situation.

Literally all the mefarshim do this.

It's especially interesting when juxtaposed with their uncompromising commitment to Truth, their tremendous fear & love of Hashem, their profound piety, and their clear-eyed ability to call a spade a spade.

For example, the Ohr Hachaim explains Hagar's untoward behavior toward Sara Imeinu after the birth of Yishmael as a well-intentioned misunderstanding of the relevant halachot.

Hagar wasn't even Jewish. Furthermore, she was of Egyptian stock and that's not good. It exerted a pull on her when the going got rough, as Rashi explained.

Yet the Ohr Hachaim saw her as not-as-bad-as-she-seems.

He did not approve of her behavior, but simply explained (using lots of proofs from the Gemara that my husband helped me with) that she hadn't meant to be so disrespectful; she'd simply misunderstand how the halacha worked.

The Kli Yakar also did this with Achashverosh, explaining that Achashverosh meant to atone for his sins via his use of the Temple garments and vessels.

(Please see The Kli Yakar - Parshat Titzaveh & How to Avoid being a Pathological Pollyanna–and scroll down to the section on Mountain of Sludge) 

His intentions, explains the Kli Yakar, made Achashverosh "karov l'shogeg – close to being an unintentional sinner."

Close, but not quite.

The Kli Yakar still states unequivocally that Achashverosh was a rasha.

And those are just 2 examples.

Anyway, this attitude running through all the mefarshim brought me to realize that the truth of a matter is defined by seeing the positive in a situation.

NOT by denying wrongdoing or evil, but seeing some positive aspect, even if it's only a vague inner intention of the mind.

This is in direct contrast to Western society today, which considers negative statements of proof that you're seeing the truth.​

​This also helped me realize that a lot of the speakers and articles in the frum community calling attention to problems were attacking problems in the wrong way, especially regarding OTD youth — which is why we haven't seen much success with solving these issues.

Oh, yes, on an individual level, yes. A great many people have been helped.

But overall, we're seeing a downward trend in this particular area.

But why? With so many organizations and professionals available nowadays, and with so many classes, courses, and books on parenting, why are we having increasing problems with youth?

Even more striking, in families that possess a wide span between the oldest and the youngest child (meaning that their oldest is a married 40-year-old and their youngest is a 19-year-old in sem or yeshivah), the siblings don't even look or act like they were raised in the same family.

It's the same family, same parents, more or less same parenting (even though many times, the parents do raise their younger children differently than they raised their older ones), but a completely different generation.

I don't know all the reasons, but let's look at one, and that's the chinuch guidance many parents (particularly the mothers) received from chinuch "experts."

So what was happening in the world of frum parenting, starting around the 1990s (and in the 1970s-80s in the secular world)?

First of all, you would be inundated with very disturbing stories of people being mistreated by their frum parents or their frum school (which, again, is a reflection of the same trend starting earlier in the secular world).

VERY disturbing stories.

And they were often behaviors that no normal person would ever think to do...not even once.

In other words, you really don't need to warn parents and teachers NOT to do such things.

For example, some people are serial killers or mug little old ladies walking down the street.

Do you need to warn people NOT to do this?

Do you need to exhort against the terrible pain murder or mugging causes the victims?

​NO. Of course you don't!

No remotely normal person WANTS to murder innocents or mug little old ladies.

So who were these chinuch people talking to with their really disturbing stories?

For contrast, let's turn this around:

If you're speaking to people who DO think serial killing or mugging little old ladies is a justifiable activity, do you think that telling them "this is really bad and here's why it's really bad" will stop them?

Likewise, most of the parents and teachers who are liable to act out in such abusive ways often lack the self-awareness to connect the stories (and their sad outcomes) to their own behavior. 

(I'm talking about people who regularly exhibit dysfunctional behavior, not occasional one-offs.)

For example, back in the Nineties, a story made the rounds telling of an angry father who engaged in a physical abusive incident against his teenage daughter, violating several major Laws, plus the societal norm of behaving less aggressively to a girl than one would toward a boy.

This is obviously very disturbing.

It's also very unusual.

Because of this particular father tromping on both halachic & social restraints against such behavior, it's clear that there's something very wrong with him.

For example, Judaism is impeccably clear about the prohibition against becoming violently angry, and against bodily attacking people (unless for self-defense).

It's forbidden. This is the Rambam (Maimonides) and all the other major Sages throughout the ages.

Furthermore, this is his own child and a daughter (it's natural for fathers to be softer on their daughters than their sons).

Clearly, he is an abnormally dysfunctional person.

Now...would you personally ever do such a thing? Even if you're were really angry?

No, of course not.

Do you know anyone who does?

Probably not. Or if you do, you know ONE.

Yet this story was repeated ad nauseam and always presented in a "SEE WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR COMMUNITY – AAAAAAAGH!" approach.

Okay. Yes, OBVIOUSLY, it's very wrong and must be taken care of.

But what about all the good parents?

Not perfect parents, but people who are doing things right — or at least SINCERELY TRYING to do the right thing?

Why was chinuch instruction 97% of the time "SEE WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR COMMUNITY?!!! – AAAAAGH!" rather than "see what's right"?

Why was it so defensive and reactive (like, "we must prevent this horrible thing and its awful result!") instead of proactive ("Let's achieve this wonderful goal and strive for this lovely outcome – and you all have the beautiful soul potential within you to make it!")

Why couldn't they have presented it at least 50-50?

And why do I as a parent have to be lumped in the same category as the deranged father above, as if we all are on the brink of such behavior?

Again, the above chinuch-dynamic was a direct result of the surrounding culture and fashionable psychology of that time.

It wasn't an authentically Jewish style or method.

Yes, we were TOLD this was an authentically Jewish style, but as we all know, saying something doesn't make it true.

And we see now that it didn't help; our amount of problems with youth has increased.

This is because many of the allegedly Torah-based chinuch methods were not actually based on Torah.

A few years ago, I attended a lecture given by a rabbi.

Basically, it consisted of a detailed description of the dangers of all sorts of modern technology for our children, along with a detailed analysis of how there was no possible way to prevent our children from seeing or using this technology, no matter how aware & protective we are as parents.

And that was it.

Just really depressing & hopeless.

There was no finale like, "And so clearly, the only thing we can do is turn to Hashem. He set up this situation to bring us closer to Him — and show the power of the sincere heartfelt prayer of a loving parent!"

Or something like that.

But...nothing.

Just...all is hopeless. "We are the Borg. Resistance is futile."

Give up. Don't even try. There's no point because you cannot fight it anyway.

And where was God with this Borger rebbe?

I didn't see Him anywhere the entire lecture.

And just for knowing, I believe that Rabbi Borg intended to be helpful, but simply got caught up in the wrong mindset (i.e., a non-emunah mindset).

Ironically, a friend who also attended the lecture praised it.

The rabbi's knowledge of all the ins and outs of the situation impressed her.

When I pointed out that he offered no solutions or chizuk, she wasn't so bothered by that lack.

For her, the mere awareness of the issue was impressive. Yes, the rabbi was "raising awareness"! (This is another modern concept that can be positive if it actually leads to solutions—but the way society is set up, it often leads to impotent frustration instead, resulting in chafing masses.)

I think there's also relief in feeling that "I can't really do anything anyway," which superficially relieves self-blame and intense shame when things go wrong.

But you can have hope & personal responsibility WITHOUT toxic shame and self-recrimination.

​And that is actually what Torah Judaism offers us.​

By knowing that Hashem is cultivating every step of our individual journey for our benefit and by knowing that our neshamah is pristine and good, we can more easily face challenges without getting bogged down in miserable feelings.

While reading the commentaries on the weekly parsha "raised my awareness" in a way that led me to solutions (i.e., let's see what people are doing RIGHT!), and I was able to change back then, I unintentionally revisited the issue more recently.

I ended up receiving a daily newsletter titled something like Merry Motherhood – Raising a Happy & Heimish Mishpacha!

It sounded good & I thought that having a daily chizuk for parenting would be good for me. 

But I cancelled after a week because it such a downer.

Once again, I was reading about really awful parents & teachers, accompanied with an explanation about why this behavior is so bad and how important it is to avoid it.

Just like with the story of the deranged father above.

And the implication is that I need to know this, that your average parent needs to know this, because...we are liable to be really awful & abusive – unless we are told NOT to be!

Yes, there's a secret monster inside us all just waiting to jump out & devour our children & students!

​We're all ticking time-bombs just waiting to explode!

​Sigh...

It's such an incredibly negative & insulting message derived from modern pop psychology, in which everyone is pathologized and anyone who is emotionally healthy is simply labeled as "asymptomatic" or "no apparent dysfunction" or whatever. 

​In brainwashing people into thinking that they are innately bad, it can actually cause bad behavior.

It's also so un-Jewish.

Why assume the worst about everyone?

What about giving the benefit of the doubt?

Seeing a person's good points?

​What about knowing that the core neshamah is good & help people access that?

And isn't it a tad arrogant for the "expert" to feel that he or she has achieved wonderfulness, but no one else is wonderful (unless, of course, they follow this expert's sage advice)?

What about realizing that Hashem is running things and that most people already possess a sense deep down of what's wrong or a sense of what their child needs, but may simply need help accessing that?

Why did this method become so popular in the frum community?

I can't know everything, but these are some possible reasons:

(1) First of all, the Jewish neshamah has a definite Tzedek, tzedek tirdof (Justice, justice, thou shalt pursue) aspect to it.

Many, many Jews absolutely cannot stand to see any kind of unfairness or victimization.

So upon encountering abuse, the soul cries out.

And that's normal, even positive.

You want to protest this awful dynamic. You feel like it shouldn't go on for another moment and that it should never happen again.

You feel like it's absolutely unconscionable & must be stamped out immediately.

That's all good.

In fact, that's very good.

But it all depends on how this goodness is channeled.

In the secular world, assimilated Jews channel this via the only means they know: liberal values.

So they support socialism (and even communism), think that abortion & euthanasia are acts of compassion, and so on.

And they really believe they are fighting injustice.

Likewise, these frum professionals also believe they're doing something helpful by assuming the worst and slapping the most negative examples in our faces all the time.

​Not to mention, it's so disturbing to hear that you the reader get all riled up...with absolutely no outlet for your outrage.

So you're all riled up and...?

So you also can end up hating the frum community because it's portrayed as so awful with no tikkun in sight.

(2) And even more deceptively, a lot of frum people think that things are better among the non-Jews. (And from personal experience? It's not.) 

How did this misunderstanding happen?

For one thing, a lot of these chinuch people read the secular literature on child psychology, parenting, etc. Some learned in universities, even Orthodox universities, in which whatever-current-popular-psychology-model is promoted.

They consult with other frum people who've also been deeply influenced by pop psychology, particularly the Victim Model.

Additionally, all popular theories contain some grains of truth, else they wouldn't have such popular emotional appeal.

The Victim Model also has some grains of truth to it.

(3) I think we've all heard about the concept of a certain "ruach" that comes into the world at different times, which is why you'll see entire continents get caught up in the same ruach. Again, this needs to be channeled properly. We really need daas Torah to deal with any ruach.

(4) Finally, when you're working with difficult people & difficult situations, you get inundated by them, which makes it appear that the entire world is profoundly dysfunctional in THIS particular way, based on your copious encounters.

That's pretty normal. But again, it's important to cultivate yishuv hadaat by stepping back and re-orienting your perspective.

I admit that it bothers me a lot that many of these chinuch people are from a yeshivah background and they learn Gemara regularly (along with parsha & mussar).

And despite their Torah background, they are still so impacted by other influences, like the emotional appeal of pop psychology, the presentation of current popular theories as the only game in town, and their own correct outrage at the injustice, plus the fact that their profession causes them to be inundated with problems & giving them a skewed perspective.

And again, it's understandable why they're affected in this way, but I can't help feeling that their learning should provide more of a buffer and imbue them with more yishuv hadaat than they seem to exhibit.

For example, when I was in junior high & high school (in the American non-Jewish public school system), it seemed like the sxual abuse or exploitation of girls was all over the place.

​And in the secular world, it actually kind of is.

For some reason, I attracted a lot of secret confidences at that age, so I think I was exposed to hearing this information more than others. 

And these problem increased despite so much available support: hotlines widely available & advertised (including on TV shows popular with young people), vastly increased "awareness," specialized organizations, the widespread acceptability of going into treatment for any issue, support groups, female judges, female empowerment, and blah, blah, blah, blah.

For all it helped. (Not.)

Unfortunately, as is characteristic of Esav, the Western World has managed to convince nearly everyone that it holds the solutions to everything and that even though everything has obviously gotten much worse, the solutions still lies within their theories – and ONLY within THEIR theories – and that, anyway, no other society is doing any better.

​That's what they claim.

And a lot of frum professionals totally swallow this, going so far as to look to the non-Jewish community for solutions — including the Catholic Church, of all things, like "Look at how the Catholic Church has dealt with their problems of abuse!"...and there's no cognizance that, while there are good people in the Catholic Church, overall it's an organization based on tumah & just wants to cover things up. If a perfunctory admission of guilt will make them look pretty, then they'll do that.   

​"Fauxpologies" (fake apologies) are very popular with bad people. Fauxpologies enable awful people to continue indulging themselves, more than almost any other strategy.

Beloved Am Yisrael, they are not an example to follow.

Note: Of course we can use the facilities of the non-Jewish world: transportation, hospitals, courts, prisons, etc. But these aren't solutions to overall problems. The secular world does not actually have solutions. They pretend to & promote themselves as such, but they actually don't.

Without Torah (and this means the 7 Mitzvot of Noach for the non-Jewish society), there is no other way to improve society.

And those frum Jews who deal with problems need to use their Torah learning to find the answers and use that learning to act as a buffer against Edomite influences & theories.

If they come from a yeshivah background and keep up their learning, then they definitely have it within them; they just need to focus on continuously accessing it.

And so once again, we see that looking INTO Torah provides us with what we need.

Despite all the above, it's important to emphasize the following:

• There ARE good therapists.

 

• There ARE good chinuch advisers.

 

• There ARE good people working in these fields.

 

• There ARE people, even with a university background in secular theories, using authentic Torah to sift through & offer you guidance that is truly beneficial.

And we've seen frum professionals doing a real cheshbon hanefesh and coming around to authentic Torah guidance.

It's very hard not to swallow whole these secular theories.

Despite my initial secret misgivings about some of it, I also got swept up in these theories at one point. 

These theories are promoted in such a persuasive manner, it's hard not to get caught up in them, especially if you spend years immersed in them via a college education.

Furthermore, you often get a lot of disapproval and even polite name-calling ("in denial," "do you really think you know better than...?", etc.) for merely questioning these theories or bringing up contradictions.

So I had to work through this (with the valuable help of Chazal, whose Torah-based wisdom is truly eternal), and I don't think we should think badly of professionals who also initially got caught up in it, then turned themselves around (which, in their field, takes tremendous courage & a commitment to Torah values).

It also showed me how much a regular non-talmid-chacham can gain from learning Torah sources on his or her own level. Hashem crafted Torah to be accessible to any sincere seeker on his or her own level, even if it's a low level.

Yes, the more skills & the better hashkafah you have, the more you'll gain from Torah sources.

But a person has to start somewhere, so why not start wherever one is & build up?

​When I encountered a fresh look at the old chinuch information that inundated us when my children were young, it showed how problematic and davka un-Jewish it was, and that's why very little of it was actually helpful or effective.

And it's wonderful that people are waking up and looking to Torah & connection with Hashem via tefillah and talking to Him in order to raise their children and generally live their lives better.

And I very much hope that continues to strengthen.

May we all merit to be mechanech our children & students in the way that's truly best for THEM.