Category: Chinuch

What's the Truth about How Great Ultra-Orthodox Rabbis Behaved at Home?

18/10/2021

I just finished reading a gem of a book by Estie Florans called From Their Daughters' Hearts: Daughters of 18 Gedolim Reminisce about Their Fathers.

Many of you probably already read parts of it in Binah magazine or read the entire masterpiece yourselves.

It's a very welcome appearance after all the years much of frum English literature presented a "real" Gadol as aloof, incapable of anything outside of the actual study of Gemara, and not a particularly good or sensitive or even spiritual person (including to his wife & children) — thereby making it seem like being a middot-challenged intellectual was the pinnacle for both aspiring Torah scholars & kollel wives desiring a real ben Torah.

In other words, all brain with very little heart or soul.

(I'm not saying the presentation was accurate, just that it was the presentation.)

Not all literature did this. Some valuable exceptions existed. But the above portrait was indeed bemusingly common for years.

Just as a side point to give the benefit of the doubt:

I think a lot of women's classes & rabbinical biographies (both books & articles) resisted presenting a balanced portrayal of the Torah world's great men because they wanted to provide pushback against the feminist influence (there are better ways to do it) & because they didn't want a wife to use the Gadol's lofty behavior as a weapon against her husband (i.e., "Rav Scheinberg used to wash all the dishes at night without his wife even asking him...so why can't YOU?") or to even feel resentment in her heart (i.e., "When Rav Yisroel Mendel Kaplan's wife felt weak, he tended to the children, including waking up with them at night, and then rocking them to sleep as he learned from his Gemara...but MY husband just SLEEPS!")

But better ways exist to deal with envy & resentment than pretending great rabbis weren't actually so great in their personal lives & character.

Aside from that, there are other reasons why an unbalanced narrative developed & took hold for a while.

But baruch Hashem, the frum world realized this & sought to correct the imbalance with much more realistic portrayals.

And it's great this writer came along to present us with a much more complete picture from a more feminine point of view (along with some of the sons' narratives too).

Bereft Rabbanim: Being Mother, Father...and Rabbi

Reading about the rabbanim who ended up as single fathers made for fascinating & inspiring reading.

Both the Manchester Rosh Yeshivah Rav Yehuda Zev Segal & the Bridder Rebbe Amram Taub of Baltimore lost their wives to illness when they still had children at home.

In fact, his wife's passing left the Bridder Rebbe with 9 orphans from age 2 to 18.

It was heart-warming & awe-inspiring to read how much they both strove to be both mother & father to their children, even as they upheld their high standards of Yiddishkeit (before it became easier to do so) and continued to serve their communities.

Both strove & succeeded in attending to their children's emotional needs as well as their physical needs.

When the Manchester Rosh Yeshivah's 14-year-old daughter let him know she emotionally needed him more at home, he immediately rearranged his schedule to accommodate her, which included meals with her & learning Chumash with her.

(The way the daughter told that story was also humorous.)

Both rabbanim made it a point to prioritize their children before others, regardless of how important or prestigious the others may have been.

In addition to the loss of the Bridder Rebbe's wife & single-parenting 9 children (plus his community work), the Bridder Rebbe struggled against his previous trauma: the murder of his first wife & their 5 children by the Nazis in Czechoslovakia.

He never spoke about his pain from that horrific loss, but one night in Baltimore, his oldest son heard the Rebbe crying out in his sleep, "Antloift, kinder! Antloift, kinder! — Escape, children! Escape, children!"

Nightmares frequently plague Holocaust survivors & one can assume the Rebbe was reliving that horrific moment when the Nazis came after his first family in Czechoslovakia.

But the oldest son was shocked to see how the morning following that nightmare, his father rose to rouse his children with his usual cheerful song: "Oifshtein l'avodas haBorei! — Arise to serve the Creator!"

His eyes sparkled with the same joy they did every morning upon greeting his children.

Their respective chapters reveal so many stirring anecdotes about their humility & genuine love for others, it was incredible to see what heights can be reached in the face of such overwhelming obstacles.

Great Men at Home

Despite even the most superwoman wife's dedication to her rabbinical husband, she can't always do things on her own.

Furthermore, fathers have obligations toward their children, their children's chinuch in particular.

A father can not raise a child properly by ignoring the child.

Here are just a few heart-warming examples of just a few of the rabbanim featured in the book:

Rav Yisroel Mendel Kaplan

Because of his wife's physical weakness resulting from their living circumstances in Shanghai during World War II, Rav Yisroel Mendel Kaplan assisted his wife with the children as much as possible—including at night—and despite the hard physical job he needed to perform after immigrating to Chicago (before meriting a job teaching Torah).

Rav Kaplan remained attentive to his daughters' needs even after they became wives and mothers themselves.

For example, Rav Kaplan:

wouldn't allow a pregnant daughter to bend down while sweeping; instead, he rushed to fetch the dustpan and bend down himself to collect the dirt.

stocked a married daughter's home with the then-luxury of disposable diapers after seeing her use cloth diapers.

would take out his grandchildren when their mother wasn't feeling well or when she needed to tidy the home.

Upon hearing a married daughter tending to a colicky baby at night, he insisted on taking over so this married daughter could sleep.

(Needless to say, he also showered chessed on his sons- and daughters-in-law, but because the book focused on the personal experience of daughters, we hear mostly about the daughters' experiences.)

In fact, the evening before he passed away, Rav Kaplan cared for his pregnant unwell married daughter by wrapping her up in a large down jacket & woolen socks, then serving her hot food.

The next morning, he got up with his grandchildren (who woke at 5 in the morning) so their exhausted mother (his daughter) could rest. He tended to them & fed them — only moments before he passed away (not in front of them) with a book of Tehillim in his hands.

Chessed until the very end.

Rav Avigdor Miller

For years, Rav Avigdor Miller created bedtime stories for his children in order to inculcate Torah values in an appealing way.

One series featured Jewish characters & their imaginary adventures in Africa while another series featured the exploits of a young boy hiding in a forest during the Holocaust, and a tzaddik in a cave.

In general, Rav Miller encouraged women with writing talent to author inspirational fiction & non-fiction to imbue the reader with yirat Shamayim because story creates such a great conduit for instilling values.

During hot summer nights without a fan or air-conditioning, Rav Miller stood over his children to fan them with a piece of cardboard. (This takes exertion & made him hotter as he made his children cooler.)

To help his wife, Rav Miller took their children to the zoo on chol hamoed Pesach, making an enjoyable Torah lesson out of it.

In the summer, Rav Miller took the children berry-picking & exploring — and used nature to teach his children about Hashem's deeds & kindness.

He kept a memorable prize box for his grandchildren while his wife kept an equally memorable nosh box.

When his daughters became grandmothers themselves, he routinely greeted them with, "Hello, Millionaire Bubby!" — to praise them for the children & grandchildren they raised.

Rav Chaim Pinchas & Rebbetzin Basha Scheinberg

After the birth of her own first child, Rebbetzin Basha Scheinberg also nursed the baby of a non-Jewish Polish neighbor who could not manage to do so on her own.

When a bout of pneumonia endangered the life of one of his young daughters, Rav Scheinberg vowed to refrain from speaking on Shabbat. (And she recovered.) Yet he upheld this vow with pleasantness, making it into a game by gesturing to his children what he wanted to say, so they experienced this vow of silence as fun.

Rav Scheinberg often declared "Chessed begins in the kitchen!"

Every morning, Rav Scheinberg gave his children breakfast to allow his wife to sleep longer.

He often washed the dishes, perching a Gemara where he could learn while he scrubbed.

Another time, he realized the weekly task of cleaning the floors for Shabbat might temporarily harm the health of a teenage daughter.

So without evening telling her, Rav Scheinberg made sure he got to work on cleaning the floors before his daughter even woke up.

Rav Elazar Menachem Man Schach

Rav Schach's daughters aren't in the book, but it's intriguing to know that sometimes he answered the door while holding a mop — much to the shock of his students. When his wife was sick, he cleaned the floors & brought her meals.

Rav Moshe Sherer

Rav Moshe Sherer made sure to visit his children at camp outside the official visiting days so he could spend time exclusively with his children without people coming up to talk to him or ask him questions.

At bedtime & during Shabbat afternoons, Rav Sherer invented engaging stories & funny songs about a brother & sister named Pinchikel & Chana Fufeleh.

Rav Aharon Florans (the author's father-in-law)

To assist his wife & create an example for his sons, Rav Florans washed the dishes after Shabbat.

Despite raising a family full of boys, he never raised his voice.

While working full-time, Rav Florans spent weeks up at night caring for each newborn so his wife could get some sleep.

Again, the above doesn't do justice to these great men.

(And the above doesn't even touch on all the Gedolim mentioned in the book — a lot is missing from this post.)

They did so much more chessed & humble heroism than described here.

Also, the book goes into the interactions with compelling detail & dialogue, plus their dealings with others outside their families.

Love, Joy, and Security

Another thread running through all the stories of these 18 Gedolim was the great love & joy permeating their homes.

Whether they expressed their love in words or through actions & facial expressions, their children continuously described feeling extremely valued & cherished, like an only child, and so on.

These rabbanim proved phenomenal listeners with their children — anything the child of any age needed to talk about.

Also, those who ran an open home full of all sorts of guests refused to do so in a way that might endangered their children. Guests were surreptitiously screened under welcoming smiles.

(This point often goes lost amid the stories of hospitality for mentally unwell people. Even the great hosts of the world, the Machlis family in Yerushalayim, took care to maintain an open home in a way that would not risk their children's safety.)

The Effects of Reading about Such Great Fathers

This book imbued me with increased love & appreciation for these great Torah scholars & activists for Am Yisrael.

The entire purpose of such stories should be to affect us positively, and hopefully inspire improvements in our own behaviors.

These portrayals also made me pay increased attention to how much I was focusing on interactions with my own children.

I found myself doing more to give full focus to even simple chatter from a young child & to be even more patient, pleasant, positive, and sensitive.

(Not that I was ignoring or always distracted before, but I'm on a path of continuous improvement, even as I stumble into potholes along the way...)

After all, if some of the greatest Torah scholars of the century related to their children that way, then it must be the correct way to parent & absolutely important.

For more on the behavior of Gedolim at home, please see:

www.myrtlerising.com/blog/rav-ovadia-spent-the-night-learning-in-a-closet-rav-elyashiv-indulged-in-flowery-compliments-what-we-can-learn-from-real-gadolim-by-their-behavior-toward-their-wives

www.myrtlerising.com/blog/rav-chaim-kanievsky-as-a-devoted-caring-father

Some Insights into a Common Parenting Problem Today

22/6/2021

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It's interesting (and disheartening) to see how many of my peers went from young mothers of between 1-3 small children, young women who held sky-high ideals along with a tremendous will to invest ANYTHING chinuch experts insisted would make their children turn out well...

...to middle-age mothers of large families—mothers who are emotionally & physically depleted.

Despite a lot of very sincere effort, most have at least one child (if not more) who isn't doing well spiritually/religiously.

And all the:

running around to different experts to find solutions & a school that is just the right fit
leaping through the hoops of protekzia to meet whatever the parents or experts think are the child's needs
extra doses of love, encouragement, and praise (even to the point of neglecting the other, less problematic children — who somehow do fine without all these seeming extras AND dealing with results of their problematic sibling & parents stretched thin)...

...these kids:

either do not improve at all...
...or they worsen
or they look eternally okay, but behind the scenes, they are propped up by:

their parents (who walk on eggshells around them)
their school (if their school is the supportive tipuli type)
possibly also medication.

In other words, the kids do their teachers and families the big favor of looking externally frum and going through the motions in whichever school they finally end up, but inside, there's not much there.

These kids aren't so connected.

And this is DESPITE how much their parents & schools invested & continue to invest in them, to bolster the child's self-esteem, to make frumkeit enjoyable, etc.

Again, it's important to emphasize that this topic address kids whose parents DID invest in them with incredible flexibility, and who DID attend alternative schools catering to these kids & their issues, and who DID receive outside help/treatment via therapists, chonchim (Big Brother programs), and so on.

The efforts usually did not reap the expected fruits. Not even close.

Why?

Upside-Down Parenting Produces Upside-Down Results

Due to the theories of modern psychology, many people view a problematic teenager as a sure sign that his parents (particularly his mother) were dysfunctional in some serious way.

This is sometimes true.

At one point, I believed this too.

After all, experts detail this theory in a convincing manner.

And proofs of this theory abound as we observe seriously warped teenagers & adults who suffered an abusive upbringing.

But as time went on, it surprised me to see that so many times, the problematic teens were davka the child that the parents (especially the mother) invested in MOST.

This isn't true all the time. But many times it is.

For example, I happened to be visiting a friend with her many children around us.

Suddenly, her teenage boy pulled a mattress into the living room & started somersaulting on it.

His mother responded by oohing and ahhing over his antics.

Knowing her very well over several years, I understood she responded like this to give him positive attention, and not because she felt so enthralled by his somersaulting. (And yes, this is one of two kids in the family with problematic behavior—they have a lot more than 2 kids, but only 2 behave very problematically.)

Look, if a sixteen-year-old boy wants to somersault on a mattress, what's the problem?

It's fine!

They need to blow off steam (especially the super-energetic ones) & somersaults can be a fine way to do this.

But why did he also need his mother's praise and adulation for doing it?

After all, his need was why she was cooing at his antics; she felt compelled for the sake of his "self-esteem."

She was not actually so wowed by a teenage boy somersaulting on a mattress.

And why should she be?

It's understandable behavior, but it's not mature behavior. And it's odd that at his age, he wasn't embarrassed to be doing it in front of someone from outside the family.

But his mother put on a convincing act in the hope that by feeling good about himself (including this silly accomplishment), he'll behave better. (She told me this outright.)

And she felt desperate for him to behave better.

At that point in his life, he regularly ruined Shabbos meals, bullied his younger siblings (including much younger siblings, like his 3-year-old sister), and his father started taking sedatives whenever he knew he needed to be in the same room as this son.

The boy's older sister—an exceptionally emotionally healthy person—quietly removed herself to her bedroom during Shabbos meals because she found her brother's behavior intolerable.

This happened every single Shabbos.

This sister did so quietly because she saw her parents struggling & didn't want them to feel blamed or stressed out more than they already were.

(Isn't it intriguing how this teenage sister found the emotional maturity & sensitivity to handle the situation thoughtfully, but her brother, who was almost the same age & raised by the same wonderful parents, could not bring himself to behave with minimum decency despite copious investment by his parents, therapist, and those who help youth-at-risk?)

At one point, the mother confided that when she read articles on emotional/verbal abuse & signs of abuse, she felt both startled & dismayed to realize that she identified so strongly with the victim, including the signs of co-dependent behavior toward the abuser.

She said these articles exactly describe her situation with her and her son; she felt abused verbally, mentally, and emotionally...by her own son.

And having known them all for so long & having seen this boy in action, I wholeheartedly agreed with her assessment.

Despite all the psychobabble to the contrary, I couldn't deny the stark reality in front of my face: The mother was being victimized by her teenage son.

And his behavior was NOT in response to an abusive upbringing.

As already stated, the parents went out of their way to give their children a calm, loving upbringing.

It was also odd because these parents possessed exemplary middot & enjoyed wonderful shalom bayis. They both genuinely liked & appreciated each other, and both took pleasure in being mevater to each other.

In other words, the parents presented the ideal example of a healthy relationship.

Together, they cultivated a consistent atmosphere of calm & security.

Furthermore, she & I attended the same chinuch class when our children were little and she continued long after I dropped out from despair.

Note: My experience with both books & classes indicate most chinuch teaching does NOT offer effective methods for parenting strong-willed, adventurous, bright, innovative, energetic boys. Not on purpose, but they simply have no clue, nor are they necessarily sympathetic to the very real challenges these otherwise wonderful children present. That's a huge part of the problem. Yes, you can find competent chinuch people—they definitely exist!—but you need to really dig around for them.

Back then, the chinuch teacher continued with her usual thing of giving them both wrong advice & right advice, while not realizing the harm caused by a school all wrong for the child. But the chinuch teacher kept insisting it can all work out if the parents continue to work with the school according to the school's directives.

Note: This approach NOT true. I've seen this too many times to count. If the school is the wrong fit for THAT particular child (or for the whole family), then THAT it usually what spurs a child off the derech later. A negative school experience is the main reason for off-the-derech youth later. Even two really wonderful parents may not be able to counteract a consistently negative school experience. How unfortunate that this chinuch teacher remained clueless at the time.

Furthermore, when their children were still young, my friend's husband took the unusual & very intelligent step of hosting a chinuch class for men in their home.

So it was weird to see such problems with this son, plus another son of theirs who also started acting up.

And I noticed a certain insensitivity in these two sons—the one really difficult boy in particular—not just toward his siblings & parents, but in general. Not sociopathy, but he wasn't so interested in how his behavior affected others.

Outside the family, he never went out of his way to hurt anybody—in fact, I don't think he ever hurt anyone outside the family—and he liked being around people. But I sensed a certain disconnect in him, even though he was also sociable boy.

In addition, both boys always came off as a little immature for their age from the time they were young.

Meaning, when they were six, they were somewhat immature for a six-year-old. When they were 10, they were somewhat immature for a 10-year-old. When they were 15, they were somewhat immature for a 15-year-old.

Right now, after years & years of superhuman efforts, these 2 sons are on either side of age 20 and doing okay.

Just kind of okay. Not more than that. (And still a little bit immature for each of their ages.)

And just to drive the point home, this state of "kind of okay" comes despite:

a calm, consistent upbringing
parents (particularly the mother) who performed incredible feats for YEARS (including through numerous pregnancies & nursing babies) to find the right parenting method
the hunt for & investment in schools, mentors, and programs for the wayward sons

Ironically, despite having parents stretched to the limit & focusing so heavily on one child in particular, a father sometimes on sedatives due to his son's intolerable behavior, and an aggressive bullying older brother who regularly disrupted pleasant family events, the rest of the kids are turning out pretty well!

Again: Throughout all this, their numerous other kids have been doing very well.

Yes!

Isn't that illogical?

People understandably don't like to hear stories like this because it feels so wrong.

It's not fair.

And you know what?

It's really NOT fair.

And it also brings up feelings of despair because you start to think that if all that effort didn't work, then maybe nothing does...so what's the point of it all?

However, there is no cause for despair.

This particular problem comes when parents run very hard in the wrong direction.

(And this is easy to do when you have chinuch teachers & authors unwittingly advising parents to run very hard in the wrong direction.)

Doing It Right—No More Indulging Ego or Emotions (Even With The Best of Intentions)

Let's go back to my wonderful friend & her wonderful husband.

As described above, she invested tremendous energy & effort in her children.

Here's a specific example:

When their 2 boys were young, her husband disliked taking them to shul on Shabbos.

Admittedly, it's tremendously hard to manage the davening with 1 young son, let alone two.

It was a big unwieldy yoke on him (and understandably so).

Yet it is absolutely his tafkid to teach his sons to daven and to daven in a minyan!

That's the male role and it is HIS role to teach them this.

A mother cannot do this.

But neither my friend nor her husband realized this.

(Again, HE at least should've realized this from his learning. But socially & culturally, this idea isn't around—unless you happen to listen the minority of rabbis who discuss it according to real daat Torah.)

So despite the inconvenience among her other myriad duties, my friend knocked herself out by creating a special bag of treats (which entailed inconvenient shopping while pregnant & nursing, and with numerous young children). The special bag was huge & stuffed with treats specially picked according to their taste, and featured bows and ribbons.

She beamed with pride as she showed the bags to me while her eyes glowed with expectation.

She presented them to her sons with a huge smile and an excited tone of voice.

In the meantime, her glum-looking husband shepherded them out the door with the fancy treat bags.

She did this kind of very well-intentioned encouragement a lot.

Yet these 2 boys didn't like davening.

Even long after bar mitzvah, they often stayed home on Shabbat rather than go to a minyan. I'm not sure they even davened on their own in those times.

As far as I know, they never learned to like davening.

The boys didn't like learning either, despite the fact that their father loved learning and was quite a knowledgeable masmid.

Their resistance toward school & davening developed into the primary source stress in the family, though both the parents have such good middot, it didn't flare up like it does in other families.

Even now, neither likes learning or davening, but the combined efforts of their parents, mechanchim, and therapists over the years enable them to go through the motions.

Interestingly, my friend & her husband have another young son now at the age where he needs to learn to go to daven with his father on Shabbos.

And this son is not only energetic (like his older brothers), but bold, confident, and savvy (unlike his older brothers). He also has an aggressive streak that his older brothers lacked at his age.

Yet despite how this younger brother should be a harder child to train, it's a totally different ballgame now.

Why? Why are things so different?

Why are they succeeding with the objectively more difficult child, when they did not succeed with the easier children?

First of all, the father finally got involved in his obligatory chinuch.

He stepped out of his former role as "mommy's helper," and took on a more proactive role as head of the home (although he is indeed still a helpful husband, but he is now more than that).

And the mother finally released these particular reins to the father—especially important when the chinuch involves something ONLY the father can do! A mother cannot be mechanech her sons about going to minyan, how to behave in shul, and so on.

(I don't mean widows, who often receive a special siyata d'Shmaya due to the loss orchestrated by Hashem. But they still struggle with this & often depend on other men to train her boys to daven. I mean married women who have a husband around to mechanech the boys. Hashem gave them a father in their home. That's what the father is there for: chinuch.)

Yes, the mother can assist in this particular aspect of chinuch. She should definitely be supportive.

But it's really the father's arena.

(This is why you see with boys off the derech that the vast majority—in addition to negative school experiences—grew up with fathers who never learned to mechanech them about davening. Either the fathers were too tough & angry or they were apathetic. Either way, there was no real chinuch about davening.)

So how do things go now?

First, before the father goes off to learn, the father leans down to his son and, in a very soft voice with an "I'm-not-kidding" face, his father says that he'll be coming back in however much time to take the boy to daven and the boy needs to be ready.

Wisely, the father doesn't smile, cajole, or speak in an excited tone of voice.

He doesn't look glum or reluctant either.

He looks determined & committed.

Then the father looks over the boy's head to the mother, and she nods.

(While the father presented it as the boy's responsibility, it's still good for the mother to support it and prompt the boy so he'll be ready when his father returns. And she does. So that's their silent way of making sure they're both in the game.)

Because she's both emotionally & physically worn out at this point, my friend no longer has the energy to make davening in shul seem full of allure & excitement.

(Though she meant well, it was always a deception anyway because until a person matures enough to understand the power of davening in a minyan, it feels neither alluring nor exciting—though some children do naturally enjoy the experience—and making it seem what it isn't often doesn't work. The kid gets all excited and then...oh. Meh. Let-down occurs.)

So at the appointed time, she pleasantly reminds the boy that his father will be home soon to take him and that he needs to get ready.

Though her voice remains soft & pleasant, it conveys a firm undertone.

I was impressed by the way this assertive, fearless boy looked at his parents with respect each time they spoke to him in this manner.

When his father came, he addressed the boy in a quiet, pleasant, yet no-nonsense manner.

And the boy went! And he went willingly.

This kind of calm & no-frills yet no-nonsense determined approach works wonderfully with these bold, energetic, assertive boys.

Naturally, we have no idea how he'll be when he hits his teens.

But as far as his shul attendance goes, he is already doing so much better than his older brothers ever did at any age.

And knowing the parents as I do, I feel strongly that the shift has to do with the shift in the parents' roles.

Rather than the mother being the mover & shaker behind her son's davening chinuch, it now comes from the father — as it should.

(Logically, it makes no sense that the davening chinuch can come from the mother only. Davening in a minyan is a uniquely male mitzvah that demands the full devotion of the father.)

So the mother is no longer the head honcho with the husband relegated to being the reluctant tag-along to his sons' davening chinuch.

(That's how it initially as each parent unconsciously fell into the wrong role.)

Now the father has taken his son's davening chinuch firmly by the reins. He guides his son regarding davening in shul and the mother plays the all-important supporting role.

(And this is all by spoken mutual agreement.)

And they're doing it successfully without all the song and dance of the earlier years.

Why? Because this way WORKS.

It's meant to work. That's the spiritual physics.

And it shows how wonderful the parents truly are in their willingness to step out of their comfort zones for the benefit of their children. These changes aren't easy to make, yet both parents made them.

It's a very beautiful & inspiring thing to see.

(And just to emphasize a point misunderstood by many new parents: Too much enthusiasm & bribing implies that a particular mitzvah or activity is neither pleasant nor important on its own. This is a common method nowadays, and I initially also did it with my children when I thought it would be beneficial. Encouragement or a little bit of enticement can be very positive. But if you do too much too often, the opposite result occurs. Ask me how I know...)

Basic Points to Keep in Mind

Equally important, the parents also switched their later boys out of the school attended by their older brothers & placed them in a school much more suitable for their family.

(They did the same for their girls, which immediately cured one of their girls of an emotionally based issue she exhibited before the switch.)

Both school systems are mainstream chareidi, by the way. But different styles & approaches exist, even within the seemingly monolithic charedi community.

Finding the right fit for one's child is essential. (And it doesn't need to be mainstream charedi either. It really depends on what's best for that child.)

But when a better school choice is not possible—and sometimes it isn't—it's important to realize that nisayon is from Hashem, much like death or disability or an extreme financial situation are nisayonot from Hashem. In such a case, a focus on bitachon & davening helps.

So that concludes some insights into a parenting problem common today, and the possible solutions.

To recap:

Fathers must fulfill their halachically obligated role.

Fathers cannot relinquish their halachic role (even with the mother enthusiastic & confident encouragement) and expect a halachically desirable result.

Mothers need to support & value their husband's halachic role just as much as they respect & value their own maternal halachic role in chinuch.

School choice plays an overwhelming role in how children turn out.

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A Life-Saving Q&A with Rabbi Shimon Gruen: What If You Don't Like Your Child?

16/3/2021

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In Rabbi Shimon Gruen's weekly email Torah Lessons for the Home: Parshas Terumah 5781, he presents a meaningful question from a struggling mother:

What if you don't like your children?

Yes, you probably love them. But what if you don't like them (whether one or all)?

Over the years, I noticed that in every family, there is at least 1 child to whom the parent finds very hard to relate.

If you have 2 kids, then it will be one of them.

If you have 10 kids, then it will be at least one of them.

And if you have one child? Well, it shocked me to realize how many only children suffer lots of friction or emotional distance from either their mother or their father.

Certainly, it doesn't always happen. But I've seen it happen a lot.

As one only child (secular Jewish mother, non-Jewish father, secular Jewish stepfather) described, "I could understand my mother if she had other children. But I'm all she has. So why not try harder to develop a relationship with me, even if she can't relate to me so much—because after all, I'm all she's got?"

Sometimes, it's the same child for both parents. Other times, one child presents a challenge for the mother while another child presents a challenge for the father.

Sometimes it manifests in a particular age the parent finds difficult.

For example, some women dread the first 4 months of dealing with an infant more than they dread giving birth, and feel much relief when the child turns into a toddler. Others love the baby months, but feel miserable dealing with toddlers or small children. And others dread the teen years. And so on. (This is all normal, by the way.)

Sometimes, it's based on gender. Traditionally, the focus has been on those who favor a boy over a girl. But I've seen several cases in which mothers who dislike men bring that into her parenting by disdaining her son.

(Interestingly, parents who favor a child based on gender rarely feel bad about this. They admit it outright, sometimes even with pride or an attitude that it's self-evident to love more or less according to gender. I'm not into people feeling bad, but whether a parent dislikes a child for being a girl or a boy, it actually is a problem and should be dealt with in a compassionate manner, rather than being justified or ignored.)

Sometimes, it's obvious to all why the parent struggles with that child; the child is objectively challenging.

Yet other times, it's the sweet, quiet, thoughtful child who continuously drives the mother out of her mind—for no apparent reason.

As one mother of such a child told me, "Because I'm insecure, his insecurity makes me feel worse."

She favored her energetic rambunctious son over the sweet, obedient one.

The odd thing was...her sweet quiet son wasn't insecure!

Yes, she saw him that way. But he wasn't actually how she viewed him.

Seeing this dynamic repeatedly made me realize that Hashem created families in a way that a parent will find at least one child very challenging—and dealing with that challenge is exactly what helps a person grow.

In fact, mothers have told me that when they worked on liking the child they related to the least, they found themselves liking other people with that child's personality—people they either did not like or could not relate to before.

In other words, the child most personally challenging to the mother paradoxically became the catalyst for the mother's increased ahavat Yisrael in general.

This is a wonderfully positive outcome of being honest with yourself about your true—albeit initially negative—feelings toward a child, which allows you to get to work in that area, which then reaps unexpectedly positive results.

Another friend accidently admitted that she could not see any positive qualities in any of her kids' personalities, except for one positive quality in one child (tactfulness).

Occasionally, one parent behaves in a way that places a wedge between the other parent and one or more of the children (bad-mouthing the other parent, siding with the child against the other parent, rewarding difficult behavior—such as crying, insulting, tantrums, chutzpah, tattling, physical aggression, etc., which makes the child extremely unpleasant for the other parent to deal with).

Anyway, because such feelings are taboo in society, plus mothers themselves feel terribly ashamed of such feelings, it's hard to get help.

This presents an odd paradox because the surrounding secular society demeans (and even subtly discourages) family, family values, children, motherhood, consistently focusing on the negative aspects (while occasionally offering lip service to the positives of parenthood)...yet this same society looks down on a mother who doesn't like her child.

And it's hard to even admit to oneself that one doesn't really like one child, let alone all or most of them.

Furthermore, not everyone responds well if you confide this to them.

Yet if a parent feels this way, it's important to address the issue WITHOUT self-flagellation, toxic shame, and all that negative static.

Personally, I don't see a need to look down on a parent for such feelings (especially since the parent really doesn't want to feel this way & is unpleasantly taken by surprise by the negative feelings).

But if the parent refuses to deal with the issue and instead treats the child badly or neglectfully without trying to improve the situation? Well then...hmm.

Fortunately, Rabbi Shimon Gruen brilliantly & compassionately addressed the issue of a mother who finds it difficult to like her children. The question & answer (used with his permission) are presented in full here:

Question

Dear Rabbi Gruen,

I have a very short question, yet it really affects every part of my Chinuch Habonim.

It’s not something I’m proud to say, yet I wonder if I’m the only one who’s feeling this way, or simply the only brave enough to admit it to myself, and present it in an anonymous forum.

I honestly find it difficult to like my children.

I find them annoying and bothersome, and not at all enjoyable or likeable. I once heard someone mention the difficulty of liking the people you love, and I can really relate to it.

Of course I love my children, but so often I have this feeling of them being so unlikeable, if you know what I mean. Is there anything you can tell me that will help me out?

Maybe there are others who will benefit from hearing your response on this as well.

Thanks in advance.

Answer

I will start by affirming your letter, you are definitely definitely not the only one not the only one who sometimes feels this way.

While others may experience such feelings, many people wouldn’t address it and therefore leave these negative feelings resolved.

As unfortunate and sad as this might be to acknowledge, it is still important to be aware of our feelings.

Trying to deny them or bury them won’t be helpful to anyone. Knowing the problem is half the solution.

Additionally, when we are open about the way we feel, we often learn that we are not the only one experiencing an issue, and we might find support and/or help from others who are going through, or have gone through, the same thing.

•

It’s interesting to note that we have quite a bit of autonomy when it comes to choosing certain people that we are surrounded with. We get to pick friends, vet neighbors, and choose country-mates. In fact, in some sense, we even have a choice when we decide upon a spouse! But when it comes to our kids, we have no choice.

That is because as much as we’d like to enjoy our children and see nachas from them, that was not what they were made for.

As much as we daven and plead for nachas from our children and that we should be able to take pride in the way they turn out, it is not something that we can always acquire.

In fact, many people never get to be proud of their children, no matter the efforts they pour into them!

Raising children is a responsibility, and while we hope and pray that it will be gratifying and fulfilling, it isn’t about the profits or the gains. It’s about putting in the work.

The outcome isn’t up to us, and doesn’t even matter, because the whole point of being a parent is to perfect our middos and become better people.

This might sound a bit idealistic, but it’s the truth.

•

Often, when a parent feels negative emotions towards their child, it is because the child failed to live up to the parent’s expectations of him. We expect to see returns from our hard work, and when they fall short, we love them less.

Remember that you are not spending time with your child so that you can enjoy yourself.

Even if you find every moment agonizing and annoying, it is still part of your job. It is your responsibility to build your child up and give him a good atmosphere, and your interpretation of the experience doesn’t even factor into the equation.

•

But it generally doesn’t end at fulfilling your obligations.

Giving breeds love, and the more you give to your child – selflessly – the more you will come to like him.

It doesn’t mean giving in to your child’s every whim, but it does mean giving away from yourself.

We sometimes might wonder why we love babies so much. We don’t realize that babies take a lot out of us, and we give to them without expecting much in return. After all, they’re just babies! Because of the selfless nature of our giving, it is so easy to love them.

As kids grow up, they need us less and less as they learn to be more independent, and thus, we have less opportunities to give to them.

We can see this a lot by parents of special needs children. They will often admit to loving their special needs child more than they have ever loved any of their kids.

Why is that?

Because they don’t expect anything from these kids. They have complete clarity over what their role with this child is and so they give and give and give.

It’s also possible that they don’t blame themselves for their child’s deficiency, whereas when there is a different kind of disappointment, some parents do blame themselves.

•

When a person is looking for ways only to gratify himself, he will find many things difficult.

But if he lives his life in the context of serving Hashem, his lifestyle will be completely different.

If we would sit inside the succah for our own pleasure, we can find 100 reasons to complain. It’s hot, it’s cold, it’s cramped, it’s wet. When we go inside the succah because we want to serve Hashem as He has commanded us, we enter feeling privileged and excited to be able to do this mitzvah.

It isn’t about attaining super lofty madreigos; it’s just about a mindset switch.

What am I doing here, and why?

When you understand that your children were given to you as part of your avodas Hashem, and not as “nachas machines”, raising them will turn into an entirely different experience.

Children help us work on our middos, teach us to be givers, help us practice our patience.

The Gemara says that a parent is an “oseh tzedakah b’chol eis” – one who does good deeds all the time.

Giving a bottle to a child, listening to a long and winded report of his day, or driving him to a friend’s house, all of that is part of our exalted avodah.

When our goal is to give, not to get, we develop a newfound appreciation and love for our children.

•

Another way to accomplish this would be to focus on our children’s attributes.

Don’t make your affection dependent on their good qualities, but do yourself a favor and remind yourself often of what it is that makes your child special.

Of course, all this is often easier said than done, especially when we are granted children who are especially challenging.

We need to be very careful, though, never to be ashamed of our children.

Children should never feel like their parents are disappointed in them or that they’re constantly being compared to others.

They are not equipped to handle such feelings.

Moreover, the ones that you think cause you the most embarrassment, might be the very ones that need you on their side the most and the ones who will help you reach your ultimate tachlis.

•

If you sit around waiting for your child to bring you nachas so that you can then finally find it in your heart to love him, you are essentially killing the messenger.

Most kids can only grow into their best selves once they feel accepted and loved by their parents.

When you are willing to put in the work, no matter what the outcome will be, you will often be surprised by the positive results.

When we will view our children through the lens of our avodas Hashem, it will help us approach parenting the right way.

With Hashem’s help, we will then merit to see much nachas from them gezunterheit.

With best wishes,
Rabbi Shimon Gruen

To contact Rabbi Gruen please call 718.841.6557 or e-mail rabbigruen@lehair.org

To subscribe to receive the weekly essay, please email parshalessons@lehair.org

Website: www.lehair.org

Please feel free to send any questions, on this topic or any topic to rabbigruen@lehair.org

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Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Vayechi: How to be Perfectly Peculiar—And Why You Really SHOULD be Perfectly Peculiar

31/12/2020

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In this week's dvar Torah by Rav Avigdor Miller, Parshat Vayechi: Personalities & Growth, he discusses how on Yaakov Avinu's deathbed, Yaakov Avinu notes how different each of his numerous sons are from one another.

Then Rav Miller cites Gemara Pesachim 56a, which mentions a man who went around saying, "I want to live along the coast."

He loved the seashore so much, he dreamed of building a home by the sea when he retired.

When they looked into why he loved the sea so much, they discovered this man descended from Zevulun, which was the sea-faring Tribe. Hashem ingrained within Bnei Zevulun a love for the ocean.

Another man went around saying, "Donu dini – Judge my case."

Whenever there was a disagreement between this man and another, he wasn't interested in arbitration or compromise; he wanted the crystalline verdict: Who's right? Who's wrong? And what must be done now?

He said "Donu dini" so often that they checked into his lineage and discovered what you probably already guessed: "Donu dini" descended from the Tribe of Dan.

Rav Miller explains about the inner make-up of Bnei Dan (pg. 5):

It’s a family that doesn’t believe in leeway, in bargaining and arbitration.

Shevet Dan was rigid; others might be more flexible, they’re not such sticklers for din, but the family of Dan liked that everything should be according to the strict letter of justice. It was a characteristic of the entire family.

That’s why there are people like that today too; they don’t like to deviate at all.

Even little children sometimes are born that way; it’s their nature to follow rules. It used to be in Europe, in Yiddish, we used to call a child like that a “zakonik.”

Zakon in Russian means law; a zakonik is a child who likes the law.

If you tell him once to close the door when he walks out, he’ll always remember that.

I remember I once saw a child like that. You told him once when he was a little baby of three years old, “Don’t forget to close the door,” and after that he never forgot.

It was in his nature.

I always love hearing about this different personalities characteristics of Tribes.

I even crave it.

I think it's because it's proof that different natures really are ordained by Hashem, so it follows that even if your society disapproves, Hashem Himself approves.

Meaning, Hashem Himself WANTS us to be this way or that way—used for the good, of course.

I think this helps access Divine Love. Hashem really does like YOU.

We are Not the Religion of Cloning

Every society idealizes certain personalities while disapproving of other personalities.

But that's all wrong.

It's what you DO with your personality that matters.

Every trait can be used for the good or the bad.

Allowing your child to be him or herself became a big issue in chinuch—and rightly so.

But what initially broke me (and I still remain dismayed by this) is how the chinuch people tend to expect mothers to be clones.

NOT all of them expect this. Definitely not all of them. There are chinuch people with genuine wisdom & insight.

But what I initially encountered made me feel like there's only one right way to be a mother.

And that one way always happened to be exactly the same way as the chinuch rebbetzin herself.

(It's obvious that was never intentional, but simply how they naturally felt.)

But that's 100% NOT true.

There is not only one way.

That's a recipe for disaster.

It's All Cramped & Dark Stuffed Inside the Mommy-Mold

For example, people have different sleep needs.

I have a friend who absolutely NEEDS 9 hours of sleep.

Even if she sleeps 8 hours at night, she still craves a short nap during the day.

So she needs to work around the need in life and sleep always remained one of her top priorities—even more than food.

And that's fine. That's her physiology. How on earth could she possibly change it?

She can't.

Others are energetic to the point they're bouncing off the walls, while others find it hard to get off the couch—and then there's everyone between those 2 extremes.

And that's just the basic unchangeable physiology of a human being.

Another example:

A wife with a competent, helpful husband experiences a different life with different resources than a wife with an unhelpful, demanding husband.

Also, the children's personalities define the home.

I know people insist that the mother decides the atmosphere of the home, but you can't compare a home of naturally hyper children to a home of naturally calm ones.

(I wrote more about that HERE.)

It's really the children who define the atmosphere of the home.

And because, no matter how hard I tried, I could never wedge myself deep enough into their mommy-mold, I mostly gave up listening to or reading chinuch lectures & books—with a few exceptions, of course.

Thank God for the exceptions!

And I more or less went the way Rav Shalom Arush writes in Garden of Education.

And I've been winging it ever since!

Anyway...

I think that reading about the different qualities of the Tribes offers a lot of comfort & chizuk (encouragement).

Not only is it okay to be different—even extremely different—from each other, but it is even DESIRABLE.

We literally & spiritually NEED to be different from each other!

That's exactly how Hashem set things up in the first place.

Here's Rav Miller again on page 6 (emphasis mine):

If I happen to think one way, it may be something that you cannot change in me; it may be built in into my nature.

Just as Zevulun loved the sea, and Dan loved clear-cut din – it wasn’t something you could change; it was inherited; it was in his blood and it would be transmitted forever to all of his seed.

Clone-Enforcement is Rebellion against Hashem

Pages 8-12 are essential (and fun) reading.

Rav Miller describes different Gedolim (both men & women) in Jewish history who contributed what they did by virtue of their personality—contributions others could not have made.

As Rav Miller states (pages 7-8; boldface & underline mine):

It’s not an accident; that’s what Hakodosh Boruch Hu wants, that each one will use his own particular talents, his own characteristics in his service of Hashem.

Hakodosh Boruch Hu has planned these differences from the beginning and He’s waiting to see, “Will this person utilize his stay in this world to bring forth by means of his own personality and his unique capabilities the greatness that he’s capable of?”

Think about that for a moment.

This idea means that if we force someone to stuff his or her own personality into a box and serve Hashem like someone of the opposite personality, then we are going against Hashem's Will.

In that case, we are harming the Jewish people.

Hashem WANTS the unique service of this personality & that personality.

Who are we to deny Him?

Who are we to think we know better than the Creator of the Universe?

Take a Walk on the Peculiar Side

Rav Miller, page 14 (boldface & underline mine):

It means that this world is your place for achieving greatness by means of your peculiarities.

The Rambam says that every person is capable of becoming as great as Moshe Rabbeinu! Not by being Moshe Rabeinu. Not by being Rashi or Sarah Schenirer or the Baal Shem Tov.

By being yourself!

Throughout the dvar Torah, Rav Miller repeatedly uses the word "peculiarities" to describe our unique differences.

That's not a mistake or because he couldn't find a better word.

We often fear being thought strange, weird, odd, or peculiar.

But here, we see that Rav Miller wants us to take davka what's strange, weird, odd, or peculiar and USE it in Hashem's Service.

When channeled correctly, peculiar is perfectly praiseworthy!

And don't forget the Practical Tip on page 17...

Credit for all quotes & material goes to the uniquely wonderful Toras Avigdor.

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Rav Ovadia Spent the Night Learning in a Closet? Rav Elyashiv Indulged in Flowery Compliments? What We Can Learn from Real Gadolim by their Behavior toward Their Wives

9/11/2020

While the behavior of some Gadolim in their homes is very well-known, there is still more to discover.

These stories teach us fundamental lessons.

So why aren't these stories discussed more?

Maybe because:

People tend to be impressed by major external accomplishments, like creating a successful yeshivah, cultivating an exceptionally profound knowledge of Gemara, astounding hasmadah, etc., but how a Gadol behaves at the dinner table lacks the "wow" factor (for some people, anyway...).

People fear that wives will resent their husbands for not living up to the standards of the great Gadolim, and even use it as a weapon against him (i.e., "Rav Ovadia chose to learn in an airless closet just so as not to disturb his wife's sleep, but YOU always leave the bedroom door open when you KNOW the hall light really bothers me!!!")

People simply don't know the stories. Look, they happened privately & who's to know except the Gadol's lucky wife & children?

However, withholding these stories presents everyone with a lopsided view of the Gadol, which then results in a false example to follow (both for the women who wish to emulate his rebbetzin and for the men who wish to emulate the Gadol).

These stories also help us because we see that the same Gadol who was so nice & helpful outside the home was equally pleasant & altruistic inside his home (unlike non-Gadolim who behave much better with non-family).

And the Gadol who seems serious & taciturn outside the home is actually warmly appreciative & considerate inside the home.

We need to know that how we behave at the dinner table (and other mundane or private situations) defines our true level of character.

Finally, the woman who feels resentment against her own husband when hearing such stories needs to take a look at that emotion & examine what's going on behind it, rather than to either just pretend these stories don't exist or use them as ammunition.

Maybe the wife has good reason to feel resentment or maybe she doesn't—either way, that needs to be addressed with emunah & not treated superficially.

(Also, women who are married to perfectly decent men who don't behave at the level of Rav Elyashiv or Rav Ovadia Yosef can remind themselves that they aren't exactly Rebbetzin Elyashiv or Rabbanit Margalit either.)

After all, the real Gadolim ARE good to their families—and this should be publicized!

Real Gadolim Don't Have Food Issues—and They're Generous with Compliments toward Their Wives

So, for example, I knew of a shul rabbi who behaved deplorably at home.

Despite his obvious flaws (and the majority of his children at some point developing some kind of mental illness and/or going off the derech), his community remained ga-ga over him because—well....? Hmm.

I guess because treating a non-Gadol like a Gadol satisfied some inner emotional compulsion.

(Rav Miller opposed this kind of blind adoration, and used the example of Shem ben Noach toward Avraham as a What-NOT-to-Do when dealing with people who impress you. Please see HERE.)

Anyway, one of the more minor annoyances the errant rabbi embraced was his display of detachment from the material.

For example, his wife loved to cook generous, nutritious meals and showed her caring through feeding her family.

So, of course, he made sure to reject her efforts.

He dramatically insisted on eating the very minimum possible (and even then, leaving leftovers), without complimenting his wife's efforts—unless, of course, someone he wished to impress sat nearby (if he remembered to impress the guest in that way; often, he forgot). But when he remembered to impress a guest during a meal, the rabbi called out (in ringing tones) a generic compliment on the meal.

Weary after years of criticism, mind games, and emotional neglect, the rebbetzin usually ignored the compliment (because she knew it was only given to impress someone else).

At that point, the rabbi would inquire in ringing tones, "Did you hear me, Golda? I said that the meal was very nice!"

At that point, Golda, exhausted & wishing to get him off her back, would nod without even looking at him and say, "Yes-yes-I-heard-you-thank-you-very-much."

The rabbi would then sit there and blink in puzzlement (after all, he—the wonderful magnificent star-of-the-show—deigned to offer her a compliment!), then quickly return to whatever he was doing, the pesky nicety now out of the way.

However, if you know that Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv ztz"l, routinely heaped praises upon his wife's toil, using surprisingly flowery phrases, then you judge rabbis who DON'T do that with a more accurate measuring stick.

For example, Rav Elyashiv impressed most people as a serious, reserved, and stoic man of few words—a man completely detached from anything except his supreme dedication to Torah learning & his incredible Torah knowledge.

Yet his family remembers all the years of his behavior during mealtimes:

"He thanked the rebbetzin for the trouble she took & elaborated with complimentary words about the meals she prepared for him: 'like the feast of Shlomo in his time' and phrases like that...even the smallest piece of bread and oil or a tiny piece of chicken was a reason to thank and to praise—to show appreciation for her dedication!"

--Mishkan Shilo magazine, reporting on passages from a biography about Rav Elyashiv, Hashakdan.

Please note that the small amounts of simple food resulted from poverty, and not Rav Elyashiv's preference (although he was not into eating more than he needed, either)—nor did it emanate from a desire to show off.

He was real.

Also, please note that the above testimony comes from his family, and not guests or admirers.

Furthermore, his children testify that they never heard a word of criticism about the food—not that about something lacking or that something wasn't tasty. Not a word.

His family remembers:

"He expressed gratitude for everything and heaped on praises like: 'all the best of Eretz Mitzrayim'..."

(That might sound like funny praise, but it refers to when Biblical Egypt was the global center of quality & abundance, and likely refers to Beresheit 45:18.)

It's also worth noting that Rav Avigdor Miller's son never remembers his father showing any dissatisfaction with any food given to him by the rebbetzin. He simply ate whatever she gave him, and offered her sincere praise & appreciation.

This is how real Gadolim behave during mealtimes.

If your rabbi doesn't do exactly that, he may still be a decent person worth respecting.

But he is likely NOT a Gadol and needn't be treated like one.

Real Gadolim are Zealous Extremists...in Considerate Behavior toward Others

Another behavior always witnessed by family members & visitors was how Rav Elyashiv took care to avoid bothering any of his family members.

He was stringent about this to the point that the concept of "Bring me" or "Give me" or "Do for me" didn't even seem to exist for him.

Anything that demanded bother or trouble was done by the rav himself.

Even if it wasn't much trouble, he still did it himself. For example, if he needed a book from the shelf, he rose & brought it himself without asking the assistance of anyone else.

Likewise, during a trip to spread Torah in America, Rav Ovadia Yosef & his wife, Rabbanit Margalit, stayed as guests in a private home over Shabbat.

Rav Ovadia requested from his host whether he could leave a light on throughout Shabbat, emphasizing that it needed to be a weak light so as not to disturb the rabbanit's sleep.

The host offered the only option available: a light turned on in the closet, the amount of light let into the room controlled by closing or opening the door as necessary.

Yet Rav Ovadia fretted over this as still too disturbing for his wife's sleep.

Finally, Rav Ovadia decided to place a chair inside the closet and sat himself there with his books, leaving the closet door open just enough to let in some air while he learned until the late hours of the night—all so his wife could sleep well.

What We Don't See with Gadolim: Careful Investment behind the Scenes

Rav Ovadia Yosef also participated closely in the chinuch of his children.

Despite the fact that the rav wasn't home much with the children, he listened carefully to his wife's reports & proactively took matters into his own hands—and he did so without saying, "Mommy told me that you..."

Instead, he playfully acted like he found out another way.

In addition, while it looked to outsiders like Rabbanit Margalit took care of everything with regard to the children's schooling, she herself testified that was not true.

After a careful scrutiny of the options available (including a look into who the teachers were & the level of learning), Rav Ovadia chose the schools for his children.

Furthermore, despite the fact that Rabbanit Margalit carried out the school registration, attended the parent-teacher meetings, and communicated with the teacher throughout the school year, Rav Ovadia kept track of each child's situation behind the scenes.

The rav knew exactly what was happening with each child, and dealt with each one according to his or her individual circumstances.

Learning What to Do & What Not to Do

Okay, I tried to pick stories that aren't so well-known because everyone already knows & loves the stories of Rav Aryeh Levine ("My wife's leg hurts us") & Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, so the above hopefully provide more stories to know & love.

In addition, the above hopefully provides us with lessons on how to behave ourselves, and also offers us some guidance on who is really a Gadol worth swooning over...and who is not (though everyone should be treated with courtesy, regardless).

All the material featured here is courtesy of the "Mishkan Shilo" magazine, which is distributed to Sephardi shuls throughout Eretz Yisrael every Leil Shabbat.

For more on this topic, please see:

The Best Advice for the Most Effective Chinuch from the Great Talmid Chacham Rav Gershon Edelstein

12/7/2020

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If you go HERE, you can see a 2-minute video of Rav Gershon Edelstein, the Rosh Yeshivah of Ponevezh in Bnei Brak, and one of the premier talmidei chachamim of today.

I'm sorry it's in Hebrew only, but I'll explain it in English below. Also, videos of Rav Edelstein are available online with English subtitles. Just please watch out for the extraneous explanation points (!!!!) imposed within the subtitles (which also appear in this video in the Hebrew subtitles); they reflect the transcriber's understandable excitement over the words of the talmid chacham, rather than the authentic reflection of the talmid chacham's tone of voice.

I'll go over what Rav Edelstein says in English, but what's valuable here is the rav's facial expressions as he speaks. It's worth watching for that, even if you don't understand the Hebrew. His facial expressions are very telling.

So...the questioner presents the dilemma of a 12-year-old boy who doesn't want to daven, and asks what to do. How much should the parent insist on prayer at the proper times? (For example, Kriyat Shema needs to be said by a certain time in the morning, and Shacharit needs to be said before noon, etc.)

Please notice how the rav listens intently to the question, giving it his full focus.

Then the rav answers: "B'darchei noam" — literally: "with ways of pleasantness."

This is a famous & common phrase in Judaism.

(Again, please ignore the boldface letters & explanation point in the subtitle of the rav's answer. Rav Edelstein isn't yelling or pounding on the table; he's speaking with equanimity. Again, the boldface & exclamation point indicate the transcriber's enthusiasm and not the rav's emotional state or tone of voice.)

The rav repeats "only b'darchei noam" a couple of times, adding "bli kefiyah — without force."

When the questioner asks about nagging the child, the rav's tone becomes stern as he says, "No, no, no, no" and he makes a face as if someone placed a plate of rotten eggs in front of him (00.28-00.30).

The rav then explains that the parent should use encouragement to awaken the child's desire to daven.

"The child knows what's good," says the rav.

In other words, the child already knows what he's supposed to do. He simply doesn't want to daven.

It's an issue of desire, not awareness or knowledge.

So via encouragement, a parent can awaken the right desire. Nagging & compulsion don't help, says the rav.

When the rav mentions the word b'kefiyah again at point 00:43-00:45, you see how his whole face frowns just at the idea of chinuch b'kefiyah — via force.

"It's forbidden to force the child," says the rav, calling such a method "chinuch hafuch — backwards (or upside-down) education," which, the says, leads to the opposite result of what's intended & doesn't positively influence the child "at all."

Instead, the rav recommends encouraging the child in a way that's "interesting" and "friendly" from a state of "love." (01:02-01:07)

He also mentions the role example plays in proper chinuch (01:09-01:13) "A child does what the father does," says the rav. "There's the nature of imitation."

Then the rav repeats "b'darchei noam," adding that the child shouldn't feel like there's any criticism of him.

"If a child perceives criticism," says the rav at 01:37, "that hurts him a lot. It causes the child to 'throw off the yoke'." (Meaning, the sweet "yoke" of Torah & mitzvot.)

Rav Edelstein continues, "It's forbidden to say criticism. This is an important rule in chinuch. He shouldn't perceive criticism of himself. That's the rule."

It's interesting that just the mentioned of "nagging" caused instinctive repulsion in the rav.

Many people do not consider nagging in the same category as criticism or compulsion.

This is why it's so important to hear what the REAL Torah Sages say.

Meaning, not just the ones who attained intellectual knowledge of Torah, but the ones who've INTERNALIZED the Torah they've learned.

Due to their genuine wisdom, real Torah Sages have a whole different way of perceiving things.

And if we listen to them, we become wiser too.

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Chinuch & Parenting: How to Utilize Modern Experts & Advice, Plus Warning Signs to Beware of

15/6/2020

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Following on the heels of a previous post (A Little Bit about My Journey of Discovery from "Imitation" (albeit well-intentioned) Chinuch to Authentic Torah Chinuch), I wanted to share a bit more about utilizing modern experts & advice.

As much as a lot of the modern stuff has disappointed me, some of it is helpful.

As much we should be combing Chazal (like the Pele Yoetz, which discusses parenting throughout the book) for proper guidance, we can also receive ideas from people in our own times.

And even though a lot of child psychology is not as helpful or effective as proclaimed, there can be value in a particular method that has been observed and/or tried hundreds of times, and shown to work effectively in a particular situation.

Hashem sends messengers to help us out.

So if we read something or hear something that pops on the light bulb for us, then that is from Hashem, and it's probably meant to be utilized.

How so?

First of all, consider the source:

• Does the source have experience with your type of child?

For example: If the source's experience is primarily based on Girl World, and you need help with your boy, the source (whether written or verbal) is unlikely to help you.

In fact, it can even make you feel bad for no reason.

(Please note I did not say that such a source will NEVER help you. Maybe it will. But it's unlikely.)

If the source lacks experience with your situation, whether it's parenting as a widow or widower, or navigating child-rearing with joint-custody after a divorce, or dealing with a highly sensitive child or an ADHD-type child or a learning disabled child...the source is unlikely to be helpful if it lacks specific experience.

• Is the source able to understand & empathize?

Even if the source thinks that toddlers are bundles of cuteness & fun, the source should still be able to understand why some parents find that phase the most difficult.

If the source cannot relate to someone who isn't exactly like them, then you are VERY unlikely to receive the help you need.

In fact, such a source can even make you feel very bad about yourself for absolutely NO LEGITIMATE REASON.

This means you will go around feeling bad when you should actually feel good.

There is absolutely NO logical reason or benefit for an overall good parent who is sincerely trying to feel like he or she is a bad or a failure, or whatever.

It serves no purpose and is taka harmful.

• Does the source consider parents generally good or generally bad?

Throughout the Eighties & into the Nineties, secular child pop psychology assumed that parents would be terrible if they weren't told exactly what to do.

(If you convince parents they cannot function without your books & counseling sessions, that also helps you make a lot more money.)

Books & articles & talkshows gushed with personal stories of all sorts of abuse & insensitivity that normal people would never dream of doing.

(Or never do more than a handful of times throughout their entire parenting career; certainly not daily or weekly or even monthly.)

Unfortunately, many chinuch people in the frum community adopted this same style and engorged books, articles, and classes with very disturbing stories as a "warning" to parents about how bad this behavior is.

The problem with this approach is it assumes the parent NEEDS to hear this.

The implication is: If the parent doesn't hear this disturbing story of extremely disturbing & abusive behavior, then the parent will ALSO behave in this same abusive & disturbing way.

This is simply is not true for the vast majority of frum parents, who are idealistic and wish to do whatever is best for their child, no matter how difficult.

This idealism & dedication are especially true for new mothers fresh out of Beis Yaakov or a BT seminary.

There is no need to relate to them as if they possess some demon hidden deep inside & just waiting for them to have children so this demon can finally be released.

Muwahahahahahaha...!

Also, that is not the Jewish way to relate to each other.

The core neshamah is all good and we are also commanded to give the benefit of the doubt & assume the best about every Jew — even parents! — unless there is a solid reason not to.

Assuming the worst about a person is a non-Jewish attitude.

The Jewish way is to relate to people as if they mean well and are basically good, but maybe just need a hand in getting to where they need to be.

• Does the source make you feel bad about yourself as a person and/or parent?

As stated before on this blog, mothers who feel bad about themselves will NOT parent well.

So shaming or chastising the mother is usually a very harmful method.

(Disclaimer: There may be exceptions to this, but I believe those exceptions are rare. In general, making a mother feel bad or abnormal is very harmful to both her and her children.)

Even if they have good middot & good intentions, the yoke of self-loathing or despair is too heavy for them to carry AND still perform their essential tasks well.

Some mothers will hit or yell at their children if they feel bad. They'll say hurtful things they don't even mean.

Some will act neglectfully or distance themselves from their children, whether emotionally or physically (like immersing themselves in their career or social life or chessed activities or novels & magazines or social media). Their children will feel like they have a robot mother who's not really present.

Some will put on a big act and perform all the technical aspects quite well, including a big smile & a voice full of enthusiasm. But inside, she feels empty, bored, angry, or like she's dying inside.

While putting on a big act is excellent for those times when we aren't feeling well or if we're going through a grueling phase, it isn't ideal as a permanent state of parenting.

The children do sense that their mother doesn't really like them or doesn't really like her role as a mother, though they may not know how to articulate it or even what's wrong with the picture.

Also, even if a mother really is parenting poorly, making her feel bad DOES NOT HELP.

My favorite rebbetzin once emphasized how important it is not to shame or act judgmentally toward a mother behaving abusively (whether your neighbor or someone you see in the street).

She said, "If you yell at her or rebuke her in some way, she's very likely to wait until she gets home and then REALLY give it to her kid. She'll blame her child for your disapproval."

In other words, if you really care about the child, you will not make the mother feel bad.

She advised doing something to break the moment, like just going up to her and giving a nice (not condescending or mocking) smile and saying "Hi!" even if you both are total strangers.

If it's a neighbor, you can knock on the door and ask to borrow a cup of sugar or say, "I just finished reading this book and I thought it's something you would really like too. Would you like to borrow it?"

Act like you didn't hear anything at all.

If someone is caught up in a temper, just distracting them with something like the above can be enough to break them out of it. When they turn back to their child, the same fire is simply no longer there.

Sometimes, a sincere & wholly non-judgmental offer of help works wonders.

It's impossible to offer hard-and-fast tips because so much depends on the individual dynamics and what you're capable of yourself, so how you should respond really depends.

But the main point is that even with a dysfunctional mother, making her feel bad about her dysfunctional behavior will make her behave even worse.

(Also, it could be that the dysfunctional behavior is a temporary response to a stressful situation and she KNOWS she's failing & WANTS to behave better, so by you avoiding condemnations and either assisting her or breaking the harsh moment, you are doing something she appreciates, which will also help her get back on keel.)

Another illustration of how making dysfunctional mothers feel bad backfires:

A non-frum friend of mine grew up with parents who regularly hit her and her siblings. When a siblings behavior at school initiated a recommendation for family counseling, her parents acquiesced (maybe they had no choice?) and attending counseling sessions for several months.

My friend remembers that the physical abuse and the extreme fury stopped, but her parents never became nurturing people.

For example, even when my friend told her mother she loved her, she said her mother never even lifted her eyes from the romance novel she was reading as she replied, "Go away."

So by age 11, my friend learned not to praise or show her mother affection because it only led to rejection.

Later, her mother said, "Oh, we attended therapy when you kids were little, but it never really helped."

"Oh yes it did!" said my friend to me after reporting her mother's comment. "I'm VERY grateful the hitting stopped. I lived in such fear & dread of being hit. At school, I was very shy and fearful and thought that being good meant to be as quiet & unnoticeable as possible. With rare exceptions, the idea of being assertive terrified me and I was sometimes a target for bullying, which I found unendurable. But I was able to overcome a lot of that fear & shyness on my own later."

So making the mother feel bad stopped the physical abuse, but the mother simply switched to emotional neglect instead (because she felt ashamed of having been "caught" and judged unfavorable, and lacked the ratzon to improve).

The point is that you can't really help people who aren't interested in being helped.

In order for be able people to be able to change for the better, they first need to WANT to be better. They need to WANT to be good.

If they don't want this, then you cannot help them.

But you can at least not make them feel bad, even if they are kind of bad.

If they feel bad about themselves, they will simply take it out on their children, whether via active abuse or neglect of some sort.

Okay, yeah, they're doing it anyway. But you don't need to make it worse.

And all the more so, making a good & dedicated mother feel bad?

What on earth is the point?

In conclusion, a chinuch source that makes mothers feel bad is generally no good, no matter how highly recommended.

• Does the source use cult tactics to get you to parent according to their method?

(Note: I have never encountered a chinuch person who INTENTIONALLY used cult tactics. They seem to have no idea. They give the impression more that they feel very passionately about their method and truly feel that one step in the wrong direction will ruin everything. However, these tactics are still inappropriate.)

This connects to the above idea because cults operate by making people feel bad, and then offering themselves as the solution & salvation.

So a chinuch teacher or method that makes you feel like, without them, you will be abusive and/or your child will end up off the derech is some way?

In other words, "My way is the ONLY way...OR ELSE!"

That's a cult tactic.

Hashem is intimately involved and they cannot make such statements.

Some of our Gadolim had parents who weren't up to par. You don't hear about it so much because it's lashon hara, but when you read biographies, you come across vague indications of it.

In fact, one who became a tremendous tzaddik and extremely loving person sounded like he didn't have such nurturing parents.

There is another man that Rav Avigdor Miller mentions in his lectures whom Rav Miller describes as incredibly sweet with beautiful middot, and this man endured terrifying beatings from his father.

Other parents are very good, yet they have at least one child who goes off the derech in some way.

So while proper chinuch is vitally important, it isn't the only factor in who the child will become later.

Playing on a parent's fear to get them to conform is a cult tactic.

If the chinuch teacher explains the necessity of a particular aspect of his or her method by telling a scary story of what happened when a good parent simply did not carry out ONE aspect and saying that IS the reason why, then that is a cult tactic.

There were no other influencing factors? The loving parents did EVERYTHING ELSE right but lacked this ONE thing, and that ruined everything?

Believe me, you're going to get more than just ONE thing wrong in your parenting.

ONLY HASHEM IS PERFECT.

Also, Hashem is running things. Probably He had a reason why things turned out as they did.

So if you're made to feel that if you make one false step, you'll ruin everything, then that induces fear & dependence, and it's a cult tactic.

Manipulating parents to conform is a cult tactic.

For example, let's say the chinuch expert declares you must do this-and-such EVERY day OR ELSE...and then when you fail, the chinuch expert says, "Oh, that's okay. Doing it 3 or 4 times a week still works. I just wanted you to think you needed to do it every day just to make sure you'll DO it at least 3 or 4 times a week."

That's manipulating the parent's behavior.

It's wrong to manipulate people like that.

Each person has his or her own God-given bechirah and it's harmful to steal it away like that.

Furthermore, if the mother never knows that 3 or 4 times a week is actually okay, every time she does it "only" 3-6 times a week, she will feel bad. She'll feel like she's failing her child.

As stated above, feeling bad/despairing/failing actually harms a mother's parenting.

Shaming for very normal feelings or actions is a cult tactic.

If a mother with 4 kids under the age of 5 expresses feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or unable to carry out all the expectations she has of herself, why look at her as if she just sprouted a big hairy wart on her forehead and then say, "Well, yeah, of course! That's just how it is!"

When I witnessed this interaction in a class, part of the reason I felt so stunned was because I admired the young mother for even trying to do all that she did.

Another reason why the teacher's response was so shocking is because when you have little kids that close together, it means you are usually either pregnant (with all the hindrances that entails) or recovering from birth and probably not sleeping through the night because by the time you trained one to sleep through the night, you either have another baby or one on the way.

That's very demanding. So why can't the mother say she's frustrated at not being able to carry out her self-imposed tasks in the way that's more convenient for her?

Also, in response to the teacher's dismissive reply, the young mother's entire body sagged and she looked so defeated.

But why?! She was doing such a good job! Why make her feel like she's not?

!!!!

Finally, the above interaction happened in a group. Why put down the mother publicly? Is that even halachically allowed?

And that is what cults use too:

Public humiliation is another cult tactic.

Anyway...

On the more positive side: Because these people don't mean to use cult tactics, these chinuch classes aren't really cults.

For example, I never ran into a chinuch teacher or course that displayed other classic cult aspects, such as constantly manipulating you into giving them money (beyond the standard affordable monthly fee), or acting as a front for illegal activities, or encouraging other members to sever ties with you when you leave the group, or isolate you from the outside world, and so on.

But cult tactics are always based on a lack of emuna.

In short:

If a person believes in Hashem and know that Hashem is running everything perfectly without you (and that you are a shaliach, but not more than that), then you won't:

feel the need to manipulate followers/attendees/readers/members to do what you want
feel like your way is the only/best way, regardless of other situations & personalities & capabilities
feel the need to instill fear in order to elicit obedience
feel threatened by normal feelings or responses, and thus feel compelled to shame them for these normal feelings or responses

With occasional exceptions, if you follow Hashem's halacha, you will not:

judge your followers/attendees/readers/members l'kaf chovah (unfavorably)
publicly humiliate or shame them
respond to them with anger & angry or hurtful words

Again, no one is perfect and we all stumble in the above at times.

But if a chinuch provider is regularly doing the above, then it is certainly not chinuch based on authentic Torah hashkafah.

A Little Bit More about Shaming, Condemnation, and Criticism

In my chinuch class, one woman was married to an "idiot savant" type.

Despite his intellectual brilliance, he constantly behaved inappropriately and did not seem to understand how inappropriate his behavior was.

They ended up divorcing when their children were still young (and she happily remarried later).

Another had a dysfunctional husband, and had received a not-so-ideal upbringing herself. Neither her parents nor parents-in-law were supportive people. She felt innately defective from a young age, and that feeling never left her.

Another possessed terrific middot and also had a fantastic husband, whom she described as a diamond, but her own upbringing was pretty dysfunctional. Her in-laws demanded high material standards (fortunately, they did not live close by) and her parents and a couple of her siblings were quick to criticize anything they didn't approve of her child-rearing methods (despite the fact that she was a MUCH better parent than all of them).

And others, of course, had very good situations over all.

Some came from a secular background and simply wished to learn how to raised children in a Torah way. Others came from frum backgrounds, but wished to learn how to deal with the challenges of raising a frum family in this generation.

The point of mentioned the above is that when you are teaching parenting, you face a whole smorgasbord of situations in your audience.

If you're going to shame, chastise, criticize, or in any way make a mother feel bad about herself, you may push her over the edge if she is already feeling bad about herself because she struggles against her own problematic upbringing and her husband and/or parents/in-laws are already yelling at her and cutting her down.

Or because she is already overwhelmed with dealing with problems in her home life (including health issues, financial problems, a special needs child, etc.).

You can break such a person.

And if you don't care about the mother, think of the children who are being parented by a crushed mother (in addition to any other problems going on).

So building up people and focusing on their good points, what they're doing RIGHT, is a very important aspect of helping others. (This idea is straight from Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, a big chassidic tzaddik from the past generation.)

A chinuch teacher must be aware of this. I do not understand why so many were not & why some still are not aware.

Stopping the Madness

Several incidents led to me breaking away from a particular chinuch course.

The final wake-up-call was when I wanted to discuss with my rebbetzin my "failure" to parent properly (according to the method of the course).

I poured out how hard I was trying yet how I felt that I was falling further & further behind.

She listened thoughtfully (and with increasing concern), then said, "I don't know exactly how to say this and I don't mean to interfere in your decisions, but...are you sure this course is good for you?"

"What do you mean?" I said, shocked. After all, this course was teaching me the Torah way of raising children! (Which I was increasingly failing to do, for some reason I couldn't fathom...must be because I was innately defective, I guessed...)

Very hesitantly and with sincere concern, she said, "Well, it's just that it seems to be making you feel bad."

It's like she was speaking a foreign language.

Feel? What do feelings have to do with following a rabbinically endorsed chinuch method? Ours is not to feel good, ours is to do or die!

So I expressed my bewilderment at her statement.

After all, if I'm not parenting properly, why should I feel good? I'm NOT being "good," I'm not doing things "right," so why should I feel good?

Also, aren't we supposed to do things whether we like them or not? After all, I really dislike checking for bugs & worms in food; I even dread doing it (because I'm not so into slow, nitpicky things like that), but I do it anyway because that's the halacha.

So why would this be different?

"Yeah," she said, "except that you sound like you feel BAD about YOURSELF. You're not supposed to feel bad about YOURSELF! Also, I KNOW you. You're a good person. You're a good mother. Why should you feel BAD?"

And it was like someone whisked off a blackout curtain that had been draped over my face.

I suddenly saw things clearly.

I was trying to be a good mother. And even if I wasn't up to par, as long as I was sincerely trying, why should I feel so bad about myself?

Why should I feel like such a failure?

Why should I feel defeated and hopeless and like my children have no chance of turning out well simply because I cannot juggle bowling balls while jumping through all the sky-high hoops the teacher set for us?

And so I quit.

A Final List of the Suggested Questions & Warning Signs

To recap, here are questions to ask yourself:

Does the source have experience with your type of child?
Is the source able to understand & empathize?
Does the source consider parents generally good or generally bad?
Does the source make you feel bad about yourself as a person and/or parent?
Does the source use cult tactics to get you to parent according to their method?

The answers to the above should be:

Yes.
Yes.
Generally good.
No.
No.

Warning Signs

Answering the above questions negatively:

No.
No.
Generally bad.
Yes.
Yes.

And beware of the following cult tactics (even if they're carried out unintentionally):

Creating the impression that their method is the ONLY way (when it's not halacha)
Inducing dependency on the expert or shitah
Inducing fear
Playing on the parent's fears

Shaming for very normal feelings & actions
Public humiliation (even in a minor way)

The above includes articles & books, not just classes or consultations.

Here's How to Handle Chinuch Problems in a Helpful Way

This post has been a somewhat negative what-NOT-to-do article, so I'd like to end with a positive here's-what-you-can-do-instead! message.

One of my children is an enneagram Six, which is one of the most complex personality types.

They possess many wonderful innate qualities, but they also struggle with anxiety & insecurity, which makes them a bundle of contradictions.

For example, if they feel under attack or as if they MIGHT be attacked, they sometimes decide that the best defense is a good offense, and they come out swinging with all their might while shooting from both hips.

But all that aggression emanates from fear.

Their aggression isn't bold or independent in the way that another type of aggression is.

(You can read more about the Six personality type here.)

They can also go hot, then cold, then hot again, then lukewarm, then...you get the picture.

A lot of standard techniques backfire with them.

For example, there is a really lovely frum book about unconditional love toward one's child. The mother in the book repeats to her misbehaving child that even though she doesn't always love his behavior, she always loves HIM deeply & completely.

Doesn't that sound nice?

Ironically, this lovely idea propelled my then 4-year-old son into a state of anxiety.

He did not even want to hear this statement. Throughout the days, he sought reassurance by repeatedly asking, "Right, you also love my behavior?"

What am I supposed to say? I don't always love his behavior, nor do I think I should love all his behaviors. But he really needs the reassurance that I do!

To his psyche, loving HIM isn't nearly enough.

So all this makes this type more-complicated-than-average to raise.

You need to read their mind and constantly try to see what's going on beneath the surface of their external behavior.

Anyway, I know I'm not so competent at dealing with this type, and I was having difficulties (especially at bedtime) with this child, who was four at the time.

He couldn't tolerate any disapproval from me, not even a facial expression, but often resisted the bedtime routine (brushing teeth, getting into bed, going to sleep) with every fiber of his being, even if he was tired.

And even something as small as a stern look from me elicited a volatile response.

Then Hashem had me remember that Miriam Adahan's book Awareness has tips for dealing with this type of child.

So I opened to the appropriate chapter (Type Six, Part II, For Parents, page 284) and saw that first of all, the author addresses loving parents and reassures them that they shouldn't blame themselves if they see this insecure, demanding behavior in a child.

That's a good sign right there.

She assumes her reader is a loving parent (although she acknowledges that not all parents are) and immediately brushes away the blame game.

Then she explains why a common emotional parental response does not work with this child, and also offers a variety of alternatives, explaining why they do work.

This allowed me to use my God-given bechirah to analyze if & how this applied to my situation. (It does.)

What jumped out at me was the advice to hold the child in a comforting embrace davka when the child is being obnoxious.

This is not my innate style (I'm more straight-forward & oppose "rewarding" bad behavior) nor is it anywhere in my upbringing.

But based on the author's explanation (which made a lot of sense), I decided to give it a try.

Also, when the book explained why this method works, it was not accompanied by the fear-inducing cult tactics I encountered in the chinuch course (i.e., the book did NOT say something like: "You MUST do this because once upon a time, there was a mother who did not hug her obnoxiously behaving child when he was behaving obnoxiously and he went on to become a serial killer — all because she did not hug him while he was obnoxious.")

And she didn't try to pass off the suggestion as "the authentic Torah way" (although maybe our heilige ancestors did indeed do it); the suggestion was clearly based on her own experience and/or research.

The point is that she had experience with this method & saw that it really did work for this specific dynamic.

So at bedtime, there we were in what had become our usual bedtime formation:

Me sitting at the foot of the bed and him stomping on his pillow while swinging the other leg over the headboard and shouting at me that he doesn't love me and other unfavorable opinions of what kind of mother he thinks I am.

So even though it is not my inclination to respond in the following way, I went according to the book and said something like, "Even if you don't love me, even if you hate me, I still love very much and I always will no matter what."

(I couldn't hold him because he was too far away and too volatile for me to hug.)

But those words immediately soothed him down.

He looked taken aback, then he smiled and said, "I don't hate you!"

Then he came closer and I could finally hold him and repeat that I love him no matter what, even if he doesn't love me.

Within seconds, a fierce & angry bear had softened into a loving, affectionate, accommodating kitten.

We only needed to go through this maybe once or twice more before the freak-out behavior stopped. He can still be difficult at bedtime (mostly because, like most children, he doesn't want to go to bed), but he no longer goes berserk.

And it even paved the way for his own free expression of affection.

After this, he started initiating hugs throughout the day and telling me he loved me very much.

In fact, when we sat together at a bus stop and another lady asked me about the route of a particular bus, this same son suddenly pulled himself into standing on the bench, lunged at my head & wrapped his arms around my head (nearly knocking me over and also forcing me to hold on to my hair-covering for dear life) and said, "What a lovely mother (ima chamoodah) you are! How much I LOVE you!"

This was both embarrassing & gratifying, but the lady just seemed amused.

The Goal isn't Perfection, But to Meet the Challenges in the Way Hashem Wants

So...I obviously do not know everything and still need help and guidance, especially in dealing with any child who is very different than me.

And that's normal.

The situation was set up in exactly this way by HASHEM Himself.

As mentioned in the previous post, the Pele Yoetz sets up certain guidelines for parenting, but even so, he still leaves a lot up to the reader's own discernment because as the Pele Yoetz outright acknowledges, situations & dynamics vary so much from one to the other, it's impossible to offer detailed concrete advice to a general audience.

So yeah, for specific situations, I need to look outside myself for the answer because I simply don't have it.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

Sometimes I ask Hashem.

Other times, I head toward a book or article that I feel holds the answer.

I won't consult with an actual person at this point because I've been burned too many times doing that, but reading, davening, inquiring of Hashem seem to meet my needs just fine.

It doesn't mean that things are perfect; Hashem always sends us challenges & different forms of tzaar gidul banim.

But it just means that I'm more likely to meet my challenges in the way that Hashem wants me to.

For more on this topic, please see:

A User's Guide to Chinuch Advisers and Classes

How Turning to Torah Can Help Us Sift through A Lot of Confusion to Find the Right Path (with a special emphasis on chinuch)

A Little Bit about My Journey of Discovery from "Imitation" (albeit well-intentioned) Chinuch to Authentic Torah Chinuch

Note #1: I purposely blurred details of negative experiences because I don't want any particular person identified. The purpose of this post isn't to malign a specific person. And for all I know, the authors or teachers have come to regret the above-mentioned approach & tactics. After all, I sure wouldn't want anyone judging me on something I said or wrote 20 years ago!

What if they completely regret some of the things they said or wrote, and wish they'd never even thought such things?

People change over time.

Note #2: Everything really is from Hashem and as much as the previously mentioned methods & tactics hurt both me & my children, the positive outcome has been that I've become zealous about giving regular people chizuk and build them up by focusing on their good points and what they're doing right, and especially to give chizuk and accolades to young mothers new to parenting.

Why?

Because I learned on my own cheshbon how detrimental is the opposite.

So that's a positive outcome of the pain & confusion.

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A Little Bit about My Journey of Discovery from "Imitation" (albeit well-intentioned) Chinuch to Authentic Torah Chinuch

14/6/2020

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When my 2 oldest boys were much younger (like ages 5 & 6, maybe?), I took them to visit a friend on Shabbos night until the men came home from davening.

This friend is one of those super-efficient super-competent types. Upon our arrival, she immediately showed my sons a toy she was sure they'd enjoy.

And they did.

Having never seen this particular toy before, they weren't sure how to use it. But they were pretty good at figuring out stuff & enjoyed figuring out stuff together, so I knew that would occupy them nicely & appreciated her thoughtfulness.

Then my friend noticed they were unfamiliar with the toy and immediately got down on the floor with them to show how it worked.

She did so with a lot of friendly confidence, enabling each boy to have a turn and see how to do it himself.

According to the "textbook" approach, everything she did was exactly right.

Except that one of my boys (the one most like me) found it overwhelming.

For him, her proximity was too close, her face leaning down to smile at him was too much in his face, and her approach of showing him how to do it then intently watching him do it himself, and even her enthusiastic right-in-his-face "Great! You did a great job with that — what a smart boy!" was all too overwhelming.

He got that turtle-trying-to-huddle-into-his-shell posture while looking at her with wide eyes that clearly said "This is such a nice friendly lady — why is she digging so hard into my kishkes?"

Wholeheartedly identifying with him, yet not wanting to hurt my friend (because she was going out of her way to be so considerate of them & it's not her fault she can't read minds), I gently maneuvered him up to sit with me on the sofa and he looked much relieved.

"What's wrong?" my friend chirped, genuinely surprised as she leaned way too close to his face again. "It's okay if you didn't get it the first time! You were doing really well! Do you want to try it again? Do you want me to do it with you? C'mon, don't feel bad — I'll do it with you!"

I put a gentle, yet protective arm around my son who was again looking at her like he couldn't believe that such a nice friendly lady was totally frying out all his sensory nodes, and nicely explained to her that he was genuinely happy observing.

That wasn't completely true, of course.

The truth is that he was genuinely happy figuring out the toy with his not-much-older brother and would've been perfectly happy doing that.

But now that the dynamic had changed, he felt much better sitting next to his mommy and observing the goings-on from the sofa.

Then she leaned a little too close (for his individual liking) and said, "You want to just watch? Are you sure? Well, that's okay! If you feel more comfortable just watching, then that's totally fine! But whenever you feel like coming down on the floor to play again, that's fine too!"

I found the whole thing amusing because she was being so helpful & accepting, but had no clue that for what they now call "a highly sensitive personality," her approach wasn't innately wrong or bad, but simply too overwhelming.

Like I said, I'm like this too, so I very much understood my son, but I also understood that my friend was totally innocent because highly sensitive children need telepathy in order to really meet their needs, and you simply can't win every single time.

My friend WAS being sensitive to his needs — just not in the way he truly needed.

So I made a mental note to speak with him later so that he'd feel normal & also understand more about people who can't read his mind so that he'll learn how to deal with such situations in the future.

What intrigued me, however, was the response of my other son: It was the exact opposite.

He LOVED her approach. He thrived on it.

He automatically moved close to her and got so close that he nearly melded with her.

He came alive and responded her remarks, asked her questions, and performed all the little maneuvers, thriving on all the attention and the positive response from her.

He was glowing.

When she needed to get up to attend to her own children, his body sagged in disappointment. He'd enjoyed the whole interplay with her so much.

When her husband came home from shul, it was hard to get my older son to leave and then he immediately wanted to know when he could come back again.

Attuning to a Different Psyche: Lesson Learned

Despite the fact that, of course, I knew that different children possess different natures and need to be dealt with accordingly, the above situation proved an eye-opening experience.

For example, I knew that some kids love sports and some kids hate sports.

Some kids are bookworms and some kids can't even finish a comic book.

And so on and on and on.

But it simply hadn't occurred to me that what I always perceived as an "invasive" approach that made me (and my second son, apparently) feel intensely uncomfortable would not only be so desirable to my older son, but be exactly what he needs to make him come alive & thrive!

That's a VERY big difference in approach.

As we walked home that same Shabbat, I asked my older son how he liked my friend's interaction with him and why.

He was very enthusiastic about her and answered my questions as best he could. (He was very young, so I didn't expect much insight, but was happy with whatever I could get out of him because it was a learning experience for me too.)

At that point, I resolved to interact more with him in a way that felt unnatural to me because I saw that his innate nature really needed this type of highly involved interaction.

So I resolved to try harder to interact with him in a way that "gets into his kishkes" — which is what that feels like for me — because for him, it feels very caring & speaks to his deepest nature.

Some Handy Info regarding the Type Eight Personality

For those familiar with the Enneagram and the way to relate to the Type Eight child's personality (my older son's personality, which thrived on the intensely involved interaction), his response is no surprise.

For those unfamiliar with the Enneagram, Type Eights are the most stereotypically masculine type (including female Eights). And I mean that in a positive way. They're very independent, capable, savvy, decisive, assertive types who are not particularly fearful or insecure. They like to get things moving in life, whether in work or play.

You find these types a lot in the police, fire brigade, combat units, rescue units, competitive sports, leadership or managerial positions, and so on. A lot of businessmen & women are also Eights.

While talking about how to best raise an Eight child is a entire post in itself, let's just say that for them, consistency IS love. They don't differentiate between consistency & love...which means that a parent must be consistent at all times.

This means sticking to the rules & standards of the home.

It means being involved with them and always aware of where they are and what they're doing. (Admittedly, easier said than done.)

It also means being emotionally consistent (i.e., you the parent aren't ever too angry or too perky or too this or too that — as far as emotional expression goes, you are even-keeled). And yes, it's a massive challenge for those of us with very emotional natures.

You can learn more about this personality type here: Type Eight — The Enneagram Institute.

There is No-One-Size-Fits-All in Chinuch. There isn't Even 3-Sizes-Fit-All in Chinuch.

Anyway, I was taking a chinuch course at that time, and the above situation was my first inkling that the very idea of "one general method" applicable to all children cannot be correct.

And therefore, it cannot be effective.

Having said that, yes, of course, chinuch teachers acknowledge that there are different types of personalities. The course I attended back then also did (kind of), and even offered (superficial) tips for dealing with this or that personality.

The problem is it still lacked a lot of insight and depth necessary to relate to EACH child properly.

And the course only entertained one or two personality types outside the "norm" (which doesn't really exist either).

And when the general methods either did NOT work on my child — or even worse, when they backfired and MADE LIFE WORSE, there was no chinuch book or consultant who helped me.

In fact, speaking privately with the chinuch teacher (when I could get a hold of the teacher) not only did not help, but made things worse — including make me feel worse about myself.

Ultimately, reading Miriam Adahan's book on the Enneagram (Awareness: The Key to Acceptance, Forgiveness, and Growth) and then intense study of the Enneagram via Riso & Hudson's Enneagram books helped me identify & understand my son's psyche.

That, combined with listening to adult Eights describe their experiences as children, plus my own observations of what worked with them and what did not, enabled the formulation of a personalized method for dealing with the Eight personality.

But by then, he was eleven and it was almost too late.

He'd been raised mostly wrong for his nature.

Now please don't misunderstand.

I really love him and he loves me too.

I really like how he has turned out, but I also see where I failed him.

I feel bad where I didn't parent him according to HIS needs — according to his particular and valuable psyche.

Type Eight is a great personality. These people are valuable assets to the world.

But it takes both savvy & resolve to raise them right.

I'm also resentful (yes — even after all these years!) of the "experts" who gave me such harmful advice AND made me feel bad about myself as a person & a mother in the process.

Intellectually, I know I shouldn't be resentful. After all, they meant well and anyway, it was all from Hashem for my own good.

In a nutshell, it's much easier to do teshuvah for your own wrong thinking & wrong actions.

At the same time, it is significantly more challenging to do teshuvah over ANOTHER PERSON'S wrong thinking & wrong actions (which is what following bad advice actually is).

Why It's So Important to be Nice & Supportive toward New Mothers of Young Children

Furthermore, young mothers tend to be very vulnerable because they are so young & overwhelmed with all their tasks, yet also very idealistic & impressionable & willing to do anything for their family.

So that combination makes them very vulnerable.

And their youth & inexperience & idealistic desperation to do anything for their children makes it easy to convince them to do the wrong thing (for their situation).

And their youth & inexperience & impressionability also makes it easy to make them feel bad about themselves.

And from personal observation & experience, I promise you that a mother CANNOT parent well if she feels bad about HERSELF.

It doesn't matter what personality she has or how good her middot are.

I've seen this again and again and again: As long as the mother feels bad about HERSELF, she will not be able to parent her children properly.

Too much emotional energy gets sucked into just keeping her head above water while she's lugging these negative feelings around.

I understand the good intentions behind the not-so-good methods of a lot of chinuch people.

Also, whether we're teachers or parents, we're bound to make mistakes and miss important cues no matter how hard we try and how good our intentions are.

That's all normal. Only Hashem is perfect.

But I still do not understand making mothers feel bad about themselves or making them feel like there's something wrong with them for things like...feeling overwhelmed about very normal aspects mothering.

And stuff like that.

Some Gems from an Authentic Torah Source You Can Trust: The Pele Yoetz

Ultimately, I started turning to Chazal for wisdom & guidance.

I wanted to see for myself if all the stuff people kept spouting (while claiming derivation from "authentic Torah sources!") was true.

After all, it sure wasn't working for me.

And it so closely resembled the pop psych I'd read as a teenager, plus psychology and sociology classes I'd taken in college. It surprised to me to constantly encounter those secular Western methods and ideas in the frum world being touted as authentic Torah hashkafah.

And when I started reading Chazal, I discovered that their methods & claims simply were not true after all. (They weren't lying per se, but getting caught up in what they believed were good ideas and then finagled Torah sources to fit their philosophies.)

You can read another example of that type of thing here: Seeking Advice. Please scroll down to the section titled: The Explosion of Learning Secular Psychology Amongst Torah Jews.

And just to be clear: I don't think it's automatically bad to use studies and the observations of psychologists.

I use them myself sometimes.

For example, if someone observed a pattern in 1000 similar situations, then that person's observations probably contain some helpful information.

But people shouldn't receive the impression it's from authentic Torah thought or an authentic Torah tradition. It's actually from a 20-year study or Dr. Spock or The Dance of Anger or I'm Okay—You're Okay, John Bradshaw or 5 Love Languages, or an article by a frum psychologist in a frum magazine...and NOT from King Shlomo's Mishlei or Rav Dessler or a Jewish grandmother's actual massoret (chain of tradition).

(The truth is, sometimes I think that they themselves did not realize what their actual source was. These things can get mixed together in one's mind. So again, it's good intentions with not such a good result.)

The truth is that I'm more resentful of making mother feel really bad & despairing than I am of the actual bad advice because the advice was given in good faith, but as for the accompanying attitude...?

At one point, I discovered the Pele Yoetz by Rav Eliezer Papo and when he spoke about child-rearing, he spoke about raising a child according to the individuality of EACH child.

In fact, that WAS his general advice!

Here it is in the chapter Ahavat Habanim v'habanot/Love of the Sons & the Daughters:

...hakol l'fi mah sheh hu haben...

...everything according to whatever is the child...

*

Haklal hu: l'fi daato u'middotav shel ben, ha'av tzarich l'hitnaheg imo b'ofen sheh lo yecheta.

The rule is — according to the mind and character of a child: The father needs to behave with him in a way that he [the child] won't sin.

So that's the primary goal right there, and everything you do with your child needs to maintain this goal in mind.

And goal is to prevent the child from sinning.

AND you need to do it according to EACH child's INDIVIDUAL daat & middot.

When Rav Papo declares something to be "the rule," it should really make us stand up and take notice.

So there we go.

Throughout the book, Rav Papo says that raising a child to prevent him or her from sinning requires fluidity:

Sometimes you need to speak to a child and sometimes you need to remain silent.

Sometimes you need to show a child that you noticed what he or she did, and other times, it's best to pretend you are deaf, blind, and mute.

Sometimes you need to be strict with your child, but sometimes you should nullify your will before the child's will.

That's what he says.

It depends all on what's best for THAT INDIVIDUAL CHILD, according that child's INDIVIDUAL AGE, and his or her INDIVIDUAL MIND, and his or her INDIVIDUAL PERSONALITY QUALITIES.

That's what he says in the book. Literally:

"shanav (his years, i.e. his age)"
"middotav (his qualities, his personality traits")
"daato (his mind)"

He repeats these principles throughout the book.

When I was learning chinuch, the chinuch teachers would SAY they were doing the above, but then not really do it.

For example, a chinuch teacher might make a rule about 5-year-olds.

On one hand, that's good.

They're taking his age (shanav) into account.

On the other hand, not all 5-year-olds are the same.

Different 5-year-olds have different daat & middot.

So you can't generally say "Do this-and-such" with 5-year-old without taking into account "daato" and "middotav."

This is also true for obstinate children, rebellious children, hyper children, emotional children, and so on.

Not all obstinate children are obstinate for the same reason — ditto with rebellious or hyper or emotional children. (Or any other type.)

Shanav, middotav, daato.

Obstinate children, rebellious children, etc. are not clones of each other. Believe me.

Also, boys & girls are different. I'm not talking about easier or harder.

Different.

Meaning, what works for your female chinuch teacher in her class of first-grade girls or ninth-grade girls or what works for her mostly girl family and her sons interspersed among sisters (as opposed to having other boys near his age) will most likely NOT work for your boy-only family when you have 4 of them under the age of 7 and the oldest is a Type Eight.

Seriously.

Rav Papo also emphasized that a parent's love of his or her children MUST emanate from a love of Hashem.

Do they ever discuss loving Hashem in a chinuch class or a chinuch book?

Not that I ever heard. Your experience may be different. (To be fair, I mostly do not read much modern chinuch, except for regularly reading Rav Avigdor Miller and also Rav Shimon Gruen's newsletter, both of which I benefit from a lot, and other material I come across...IF I consciously decide it might be helpful. In the interest of full disclosure, I also receive Dr. John Rosemond's monthly newsletter, but that is more for the purposes of entertainment and/or gratification, plus to keep tabs on what's going on in the Western world of parenting.)

It could easily be that the chinuch people did not even know that love of children should emanate from love of Hashem.

It could be an honest mistake because if they never read Pele Yoetz, then how would they know?

Or it could be that they both knew & mentioned this in their classes & books, but simply felt it more practical to focus on practical methods rather than the ideology.

Maybe chinuch people are emphasizing ahavat Hashem now as it relates to chinuch. I do not know. They weren't when I had young children, not in books and not in lectures.

But anyway, that's the basis for parental love — and the Pele Yoetz is an "authentic Torah source" you can count on.

Here is more about that from Ahavat Habanim V'habanot/Love of the Sons & the Daughters:

V'gam ahavah zo tzarich sheh tahei nimshechet m'ahavat haMakom...ki zeh kol pri habanim v'habanot sheh yiyu osim ratzon Koneihem...Lachen, zeh yiyeh kol magamato b'ahavat banav l'kayem mitzvat Boro la'asot nachat ruach l'Yotzro.

And also, this love needs to emanate from the love of God...because that is the entire fruit of sons and daughters, that they'll perform the will of their Creator...

Therefore, this should be one's entire focus in his love for his sons and daughters: to fulfill the mitzvah of one's Creator — to grant nachas ruach [spiritual gratification] to one's Creator.

KOL magamato — one's ENTIRE focus?

Rav Papo isn't mincing words here.

If your entire focus & goal of loving your children should be for them to produce nachat ruach for Hashem, then don't you think that should be discussed regularly in chinuch classes or books?

Meaning, maybe we should regularly praise our children by saying things like, "Good girl for doing netilat yadayim — you just made Hashem VERY happy!"

Most people say "good girl" (or "good boy"). But according to the Pele Yoetz, we need emphasize Hashem's Happiness with the action. (Actually, a lot of parents do emphasize Hashem's Happiness, by the way. That's great. But it apparently needs to be a major focus of chinuch classes. Maybe it is now. But it wasn't when I was in that phase.)

The other major emphasis of the Pele Yoetz is: parental tefillah.

He even wrote special prayers for parents to say over their children.

From the chapter Chinuch/Educating the Youth:

V'al hakol lishpoch nafsho lifnei Hashem sheh lo yiyu chatotav monim hatov mimeno, v'sheh yiyeh kol zaro zera kodesh kadoshim, zera anashim.

And over everything — to pour out one's soul before Hashem that one's sins won't prevent the good from coming to him and that all his seed [offspring] should be seed of the holy of holies, the seed of people.

By the way, the Pele Yoetz offers even more guidance throughout the book than what's noted here.

And also, in the interest of full disclosure, as mentioned above, I still read what modern chinuch experts say. I'm just much more discerning now & really limit it.

Whatever non-Chazal material I look at is read with the above principles in mind.

For example, if I see that an expert discusses an issue with which I'm struggling, I examine what they say about it and then act according to my own perception of their advice and my situation.

Meaning, sometimes I'll follow their advice to the letter; other times, I'll utilize their advice but make adjustments to fit my child & my situation.

And according to the Pele Yoetz, that's exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

Endnotes

Note #1:
To see the Pele Yoetz with your own eyes, please go to:
https://itorah.com/pele-yoetz

Find the chapter you wish to see.

Press on the arrow to hear a class by Rabbi Eli Mansour about that chapter or click on the 3 dots to the right of the chapter and choose whether you wish to read the chapter in the original Hebrew or in the English translation.

Note #2:
The above translations of the Pele Yoetz are my own, and therefore, any errors are also mine.

Note #3
Lately, I've been moving away from the Enneagram to learn the system frequently mentioned by Chazal, that of the 4 Elements (and also because, based on their last book, the non-Jewish proponents of the Enneagram seem to be drifting toward Eastern mysticism). But I'm grateful that Hashem sent me the Enneagram when I needed it & this post mostly refers to that time.

Note #4
Not everything in the chinuch classes & books was either ineffective or harmful. Some of it was genuinely helpful. But the helpful stuff (like how to potty-train) I either could've gotten from my Yerushalmi neighbors or figured out with a few minutes of focused thought and conversation with Hashem (like the importance of even a few minutes of one-on-one time with each child on a more-or-less daily basis).

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The Stunning Greatness of a "Regular" Jew: Growing from a Girl Trapped in a Suitcase to a Woman of Grace & Emunah

26/5/2020

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There's a woman in our shul who came with her family from Iran when she was around 5.

She always struck me as a profoundly spiritual & modest person. She emanates serenity & intelligence, and she loves davening in the beit hakenesset.

I saw her in shul with her teenage & preteen daughters, and their body language as they followed the davening showed that they also absorbed their mother's appreciation of davening in shul.

It was beautiful to see them cradled over their siddurim without raising their eyes from the page. No sideways glances, no elbowing & gesturing & smiling, no whispering...just immersion in tefillah.

Another time, I got an important mussar lesson when observing how this mother responds to people who lack her level of derech eretz & reverence for the shul tefillah.

During the reading of Megillat Esther one year, an elderly Iranian lady sat next to this mother. (They aren't related.) Due to leaving Iran for America in her fifties and then to Eretz Yisrael more recently, this elderly Iranian lady never learned English or Hebrew very well, and understandably prefers to speak in Farsi if she possibly can.

Because the Iranian mother knows Farsi well, the elderly lady understandably likes speaking to her.

During the Megillah-reading, the elderly lady leaned over to the Iranian mother to make a few remarks.

This was very surprising because of the obligation to hear every single word of the Megillah, making absolute silence an imperative.

Also, people from the elderly lady's generation tend to display more reverence for these things because back in their old country (Iran, in this case), breaches in disrespect were not tolerated the way they are today. And those former communities behaved with such respect that people didn't really think to behave differently.

Anyway, the elderly lady shifted back into position and just stared ahead.

The Iranian mother turned her head to gaze at the elderly lady for a long moment with more sternness (not anger, but sternness) than I ever imagined she was capable of.

(Without knowing what the elderly lady said, it could be that part of the sternness related to inappropriate remarks, in addition to speaking when forbidden.)

The elderly lady did not notice.

The Iranian mother was clearly pondering how to handle this breach so it would not happen again.

It's not so straightforward because she cannot speak either, nor can she behave disrespectfully toward an elder.

That's when the Iranian mother rose with firm resolve, walked over to the curtained window of the mechitzah, and planted herself there for the rest of the reading.

This was an excellent resolution to the problem. No one can talk to her now!

And yes, her daughters were all observing this closely. What a beautiful example their mother set for them.

The whole family (with around 8 kids) exudes good middot. I knew the boys first because they went to school with my boys, and I was always impressed with their derech eretz. The older girls I also got to know a bit in shul and always admired their consideration and extra sensitivity toward others.

It's hard to imagine that this exceptionally refined & serene woman underwent a serious trauma as a child.

My children told me that when this Iranian mother left Iran with her family at the age of 5, she did so in a suitcase.

Distressingly, the escape did not go so well.

There was shooting & shouting, all of which she heard while trapped inside the suitcase.

She never spoke about it with the children; her husband (who is also an exceptionally fine person) told them. (She doesn't mind that he did that, but she just finds it too traumatic to relate it herself.)

I don't know exactly how the suitcase worked. Were there buckles or zippers? How dark or stuffy or roomy was it in there? Did she have a way to open it from the inside or was she dependent on someone knowing she was inside to set her free?

She feared she might be shot too or that everyone else would be killed, leaving her alone in the suitcase.

Obviously, she wasn't supposed to be in the group at all, hence the need to hide her in the suitcase. So if her presence was discovered, that was also a severe problem.

She couldn't get out, she couldn't move, and she couldn't even cry out.

All she could do was listen to all the chaos around her & pray for the best.

Fortunately, her family survived the confrontation, she was not abandoned, and she was later released from the suitcase.

I think her parents were also exceptionally fine people and that she was raised very well, but I can't help thinking that the moments of terror inside the suitcase, her child's heart turning to Hashem in those moments, and then her eventual rescue might have a lot to do with her solid emunah & reverence.

She really does give the impression that she's absolutely knows Hashem is always with her and always watching and truly cares about her.

In other words, she behaves as if she is always in His Presence.

It was a horrific, traumatic experience. And maybe the trauma expresses itself in ways I haven't seen.

But maybe it also defined for her how much Hashem is really there for her — always.

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A Vital & Applicable Parenting Technique We Can Learn from Rav Elyashiv ztz"l

20/5/2020

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Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv ztz"l (1910-2012) was one of the premier poskim of the entire world before he passed away.

Born in Lithuania in 1910, Rav Elyashiv came to Eretz Yisrael at age 12 with his parents, then spent most of his life in Yerushalayim.

In addition to his vast Torah knowledge covering all topics, he excelled in hasmadah — the dedication to uninterrupted Torah study as much as one possibly can.

In fact, he possibly excelled at hasmadah more than almost anyone else in his time (as far as I know).

Certainly, he could not have achieved the level of hasmadah without the above-and-beyond dedication of his wife, Sheina Chaya (a daughter of Rav Aryeh Levine).

But even with such a wife, most men would still not be able to achieve hasmadah on Rav Elyashiv's level.

So it was definitely a joint effort.

Before telling a story of Rebbetzin Sheina Chaya Elyashiv, Rebbetzin Heller said something like how the Elyashivs' commitment to Torah reached such a high level, it's impossible (i.e. not such a good idea) to share their stories with others because most people cannot follow such an example, and therefore feel frustrated or "Huh?" when hearing them.

I think it helped that Rav Elyashiv was an introvert and not a physically strong person, but these are only contributing factors to his hasmadah and certainly do not diminish from his unyielding heart-and-soul dedication to Torah study.

And this is davka why a famous video of Rav Elyashiv demonstrates such good mussar for parents.

Relating to Your Child as a Sugya in Gemara

Probably many (or even most) of you have seen the video of the elderly Rav Elyashiv sitting in his sukkah with lots of people (generations of family members, it seems) milling about.

After taking a moment in which it looks like he sizes up the situation, he delves back into the Gemara open before him.

Then someone announces the arrival of his oldest daughter, Rebbetzin Batsheva, and his son-in-law & fellow talmid chacham Rav Chaim Kanievsky.

Rav Elyashiv doesn't actually smile, but his entire face beams with joy.

His joy increases as his daughter & son-in-law approach and upon seeing them, Rav Elyashiv smiles.

Rebbetzin Batsheva, in addition to being a tzaddekes, was also a very warm & sociable person. She lovingly pats her father on the arm and asks him a couple of times how he's doing.

Though Rav Elyashiv is clearly happy to see his daughter & son-in-law, I get the impression that at his extremely advanced age and health, plus his innate introversion & dedication to Torah learning (something I think that even social introverts can really relate to), he's not so thrilled with all the noise going on around him (though people are considerate & give him his space), but he understands and resigns himself to it.

After the Kanievskys are seated before Rav Elyashiv, Rebbetzin Batsheva decides to tell her father a joke. It's a frum joke with a mussar lesson — not a meaningless joke, but a joke nonetheless.

She asks her whether a fish in an aquarium feels fear on the Day of Judgement.

(Needless to say, this is because aquarium fish are designated for life and not in danger of being eaten by other fish or animals, or caught in a fisherman's net.)

You can only see Rav Kanievsky's face in profile, but he is gazing at his wife with obvious affection and good humor.

And this is where the big parenting lesson comes in.

Rav Elyashiv automatically turns his entire body & face to his daughter, scoots a little closer to her, and channels his entire focus on her face.

He also places his palm over his forehead in exactly the way he did when he learned Torah and zeroes in on his daughter's face.

Then there is some give-and-take between the two of them as he involves himself with what his daughter wants to convey to him.

Strikingly, throughout the entire exchange, Rav Elyashiv relates to his daughter as if she is a sugya in Gemara.

Did he not realize she was just telling him a joke?

Of course he realized!

And this was the big lesson to me: LOOK at your child when they speak to you.

No matter how simple the conversation is, FOCUS.

Make continuous eye contact. (Or at least keep focusing on their face, if unbreaking eye contact gets too weird or intense.)

Applying Rav Elyashiv's Example in Real Life

Now maybe you're saying to yourself: "Already knew that basic parenting advice — next!"

Or: "I heard that in my parenting class. What's the big chiddush here?"

Or: "Everyone knows this. No one needs to be told this. You must be a really pathetic mother if you didn't know this."

So the thing is...I thought I knew this too.

And I DID "know" it.

And of course you'll hear this in a parenting class.

I also thought I was doing this! I thought of myself as an attentive mother who both talks and listens to her children.

But when I really started making sure to give my child face-to-face focus every time a child wanted to say something to me, I realized how much I actually hadn't been doing it.

Yeah, I'd been doing it some, but not as much as I really should.

Whether it was "Where's the ketchup?" or a brief humorous comment or something more urgent or serious or conversational, I tried to be like Rav Elyashiv and look them full in the face for however long they spoke, even if I was in the middle of something.

And until like most other women, I'm NOT a good multi-tasker and tend to be one-track-minded. That's just how my brain works. So this proved a bit more challenging than probably for other women.

Especially for very brief comments that come in frequent spurts (like "Where's the ketchup?" and "I found the matching sock!", it's sometimes a bit dizzying to hone in with the proper face-focusing head-swivel each time

Yet it's definitely worth it.

And I got used to it quickly enough (like any other habit) and anyway, I figure if Rav Elyashiv, one of the greatest masmidim in his time, can do it for his daughter's joke-telling, it must be a very important thing to do.

Needless to say, I can't always do this. "Always" isn't realistic.

Sometimes, I just need to finish something or I'm involved with something hot on the stove or coming out of the oven and it's too dangerous to freeze in place and gaze in my child's face as they speak.

Or I forget or simply fail to do so when I should.

That's normal.

The main thing is to do it more.

And with everything they tell you in parenting classes & parenting books (many — but not all — of which also contain a lot of jumping-through-hoops-while-hopping-on-one-foot-&-juggling-bowling-balls, plus advice that simply is not suited to your individual situation even if it's effective for others), this kind of universally applicable essential can get lost among all the other Vitally-Important-Or-Else! with which many of them inundate you.

But watching truly great people can help us get back to basics.

And it's something that you can actually implement and not wave off as "only for really great people" or "not for our generation, which is such a weak one."

If Rav Elyashiv, a supreme masmid who always did everything in his power to avoid bitul Torah & learn Torah under any & all circumstances can focus with Talmudic intensity on his child as she tells a joke, then that means that eye contact & focus must be vitally important.

And this is something truly important & useful to learn from Rav Elyashiv about parenting.

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Bereft Rabbanim: Being Mother, Father...and Rabbi

Great Men at Home

Love, Joy, and Security

The Effects of Reading about Such Great Fathers

Upside-Down Parenting Produces Upside-Down Results

Doing It Right—No More Indulging Ego or Emotions (Even With The Best of Intentions)

Basic Points to Keep in Mind

Question

Answer

We are Not the Religion of Cloning

It's All Cramped & Dark Stuffed Inside the Mommy-Mold

Clone-Enforcement is Rebellion against Hashem

Take a Walk on the Peculiar Side

Real Gadolim Don't Have Food Issues—and They're Generous with Compliments toward Their Wives

Real Gadolim are Zealous Extremists...in Considerate Behavior toward Others

What We Don't See with Gadolim: Careful Investment behind the Scenes

Learning What to Do & What Not to Do

​• Does the source have experience with your type of child?

​• Is the source able to understand & empathize?

• Does the source consider parents generally good or generally bad?

​• Does the source make you feel bad about yourself as a person and/or parent?

• Does the source use cult tactics to get you to parent according to their method?

A Little Bit More about Shaming, Condemnation, and Criticism

Stopping the Madness

A Final List of the Suggested Questions & Warning Signs

Here's How to Handle Chinuch Problems in a Helpful Way

The Goal isn't Perfection, But to Meet the Challenges in the Way Hashem Wants

Attuning to a Different Psyche: Lesson Learned

Some Handy Info regarding the Type Eight Personality

There is No-One-Size-Fits-All in Chinuch. There isn't Even 3-Sizes-Fit-All in Chinuch.

Why It's So Important to be Nice & Supportive toward New Mothers of Young Children

Some Gems from an Authentic Torah Source You Can Trust: The Pele Yoetz

Endnotes

Relating to Your Child as a Sugya in Gemara

Applying Rav Elyashiv's Example in Real Life

Myrtle Rising

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• Does the source have experience with your type of child?

• Is the source able to understand & empathize?

• Does the source make you feel bad about yourself as a person and/or parent?