I have not found a better antidote to fight the middah of anger than emuna.

Knowing that everything is from Hashem and thus for my benefit does a lot to dampen any fire swelling up in my heart.

It doesn't mean that I win the battle against anger every single time, but a lot of progress has been made over the years, baruch Hashem.

But emuna doesn't only mean knowing that everything is from Hashem and therefore, of benefit. It also means knowing that there is a message from Hashem too.

That initial flash of temper or seething indignation are a pressing doorbell being rung by the Creator Himself.

What is He trying to tell me?

​For example, whenever I took the bus at a certain time, there was always the same girl on either side of age 20 with her cell phone out and her rotund self positioned in that empty square in the middle of the bus meant for baby strollers.

If one mommy got on the bus with a stroller, the girl moved to the side.

But if another mommy with a stroller got on, the girl did not move out of the way so that the second mommy could fit her stroller in too. 

And yes, the girl noticed. She still didn't make room for the stroller.

And yes, the mommies glanced at her because her behavior was so unusual (and also hoping she would let the second one in), but she didn't seem to notice.

And this is especially weird in the frum community (this was a very modernish-looking frum girl) because the girls are raised to be sensitive about this scenario and many have seen their mothers struggle with strollers on the bus, and many have also struggled with taking their younger siblings on the bus in a stroller.

So it's very bizarre to see a frum girl behaving with such a lack of consideration in this area.

And this kind of thing really, really bothers me.

It makes me seethe inside — especially when I see how hard it is for the second mommy to keep her balance, holding onto a pole and also trying to keep her unsecured stroller from swinging around (and keeps glancing at the girl, clearing wondering why she doesn't make room for the stroller).

And I learned over the years not to fight someone else's fight unless they really need me to. I learned the hard way that it's not always best to speak up every time I see something like this, even though I know how to do it quietly & gently. 

Israeli society is an assertive society, and Israelis don't usually need me to stand up for them — unless I see that one really is too timid to stand up for herself (especially if it's a child or preteen). Then I'll come to their aid. But in this kind of situation, these women are perfectly capable of politely asking the girl if she could move a bit.

But they don't.

And I'm seething.

So according to Torah Judaism what should I do?

Giving the benefit of the doubt is usually the first thing on the list.

Maybe the space-hogging girl doesn't notice? That's common enough.

But as I look at the girl, I find it hard to believe that she really doesn't notice. Yes, she's involved with her cell phone, but not all the time. She does look up and she does see them.

Maybe she has some kind physical problem or pain that makes sitting or going up the step to the back section after the stroller-square uncomfortable?

But she seems to get off the bus with no problem at all, and that involves a pretty steep step.

Okay, so maybe she has a problem with sitting AND a balance problem, so standing in the square is the most comfortable and secure place for her?

In that type of situation, the person sometimes apologizes and offers a brief explanation why they aren't accommodating others. But people don't always feel comfortable explaining themselves, so they don't. So maybe that's how she is too.

And that's the best I could come up with, even though she doesn't look like she's struggling with knee or hip or balance issues.

But you really never know. I think we've all been surprised before by people who really seemed fine, but actually weren't.

So the next step is to ponder the message Hashem has for me.

After all, it's no coincidence that I'm faced with this seethe-inducing situation.

And it's no coincidence that, despite being an assertive society, these Israeli mommies don't say a word to her, or even cast nasty glares her way.

​Why am I faced with this specific scenario?

So I try to think of situations in which maybe I am doing something obviously inconsiderate that literally everyone else knows better not to do, while I remain oblivious.

And though I am far from perfect, I couldn't think of an inconsideration as blatant as this.

So the next time I spoke with Hashem, I brought this up.

And I got the following straight-between-the-eyes message...

As Jews, we know we are all in the same boat together.

One Jew's actions (for better or for worse) affect every single other Jew.

Just one more transgression on the part of one Jew can tip the scales toward harsh decrees in Heaven.

Yet just one more good deed on the part of one Jew can tip the Heavenly scales toward merit & compassion — toward Geula.

That one mitzvah might be the last stone in the building of the Heavenly Beit Hamikdash that brings it down to Earth.

Likewise, I realized that Hashem was telling me to clean up my act.

Yes, I've made spiritual progress over the years.

But I need to step up my game.

I don't own a smartphone, but I can certainly miss the mark in other ways.

Hashem was basically telling me:
"How can you just stand there? Look up! Pay attention to your fellow Jews! For better or for worse, your actions affect them & the Nation's Heavenly Scales as much as your actions affect your own Heavenly Judgement. Please be less self-absorbed. When you don't do the right thing, you inconvenience your fellow Jews in ways you don't even perceive. If you can't have mercy on your own soul, at least have mercy on the souls of others. So please wake up and get moving!" 

And guess what?

I haven't seen her since.

Maybe it's because I got the message?

So that was really, really good mussar for me.

I was just like, "Whoa! Wake-up call!"

(Just for clarification: I do work on myself, but apparently I need to step up my game. No surprise there.)

And that's fine.

But the point of this is that had I been like my old self, I would've just continued to seethe, hate that girl for being mean to mommies and babies (and kind of endangering them by not allowing their stroller to be in a secure place).

Maybe I would have said something to her, maybe not, but I would've been really angry with NO purpose to that emotion.

And therefore, NO GROWTH.

And then you know how it goes:

Theoretically, I would just vent to my husband or my friends or even on Facebook or Twitter (neither of which I use; this is a theoretical example) with this whole What-is-the-world-coming-too? tone and huff about how it's even a FRUM girl, and what's wrong with the frum community today?

(Even though she is the ONLY girl I've ever seen do this in this way, so how on earth does that reflect on the entire frum community? Does ONE consistently thoughtless girl in over 2 decades of living in frum communities make a generalization all of the sudden?)

Maybe I would even surreptitiously photograph the girl with the smartphone (which I don't own in reality) and upload the image to social media accompanied by some kind of outraged quip followed by lots of !!!!!!!!!! or ?????????.

And again, with absolutely no to'elet whatsoever.

And no growth!

​In fact, the opposite: Indulging in such angry & self-righteous & obsessive behavior actually makes us smaller and lesser people. 

Just dumping a whole lot meaningless negativity all over myself and other people?

That stunts spiritual growth.

But because of Rav Shalom Arush and the writings and shiurim of other real Torah Jews, I was finally able to at least start to develop spiritual tools to deal with anger and anger-inducing situations:

1. Give the benefit of the doubt as far as you can (WITHOUT justifying truly forbidden behavior).
2. Daven for that person to improve.
3. Look for the message: What is Hashem trying to tell ME? Because despite appearances, it's not as much about the other person as we tend to assume.

Again, not that I do this splendidly every time. I don't. (In fact, with the above situation, it took several times of seeing this before I could fully complete Step 3. And even after completing Steps 1 & 2, I was still seething!)

And that's fine.

You have to start somewhere.

If you find yourself with the tendency to indulge in anger, self-righteousness, huffiness, obsessive thinking, and all that, then you're not going to overcome all that in a day.

But you need to start.

​How?

You just see these challenges as a way to connect to Hashem, and then you go for it.

May we all succeed in completing our soul tikkun in this gilgul without nisayon or bizayon.

Looking at what's going on in the world, I find myself growing increasingly concerned for the future.

And I'm far from being the first to come to this conclusion.

Right now, I don't want to go into the nitty-gritty of what we're all seeing and what I think it portends, but I do want to talk about the best response.

And it's not about prepping or making aliyah (which most Jews either won't or can't do right now anyway — and who even says that the Erev Rav leaders would allow millions of Jews, especially if they're frum, to enter?) or writing letters to representatives or newspapers, or signing petitions, and so forth.

(Although if those things will help, then it's good to do them. But they shouldn't be your sole focus.)

There's a lot we can't control and I think this creeping inability to positively affect opinions & situations is only going to increase.

So it's time to re-focus on an age-old authentically Jewish response:

Looking back at the classic parable by Rebbe Elimelech of Lizhensk (author of the classic Noam Elimelech):

He said that the End of Days will feel like a rope being jerked around.

Only the people who can hold on tight will make it.

This means that you already need to be holding on to the rope when it starts jerking & shaking.

Sure, if you're not already holding on, you can always make a lunge for the rope, hoping to grab onto it as it wildly whips around.

And maybe you'll find a place to grasp. Some people will, I'm sure.

But that's pretty risky.

Better to grab on to the rope NOW.

And to take the metaphor even further: 

Who has a better chance of hanging on:
​

• the person with only their index finger curled around the rope?

or

• the person who has wrapped their arms and legs around the rope and clings to it for dear life?

Or even better:

• the person who coiled that part of the rope around them, so even if their hands slip, they still can't fall off?

I don't know Hashem's Secrets & Cheshbonot, nor do I know the soul-tikkun of others, but it seems to me that part of the reason why so many people are having such a hard time, not just with obvious nisayonot, but with inner trials too. 

Their moods, their perceptions, their feelings...

So many people struggle with depression, despair, disappointment, anger, lethargy, apathy, feelings of rejection, loneliness, and distance from Hashem, and so on.

But those of you who fight your way out of these pits (even when you fall in again for the umpteenth time) are actually forging your connection to Hashem.

In other words, you are securing your grip on the rope.

It may not feel like it, but you are.

And that's exactly what we all need to strengthen ourselves to continue doing.

I'm not trying to be the Voice of Doom.

But if Mashiach doesn't come already, I think things are going to get increasingly more bizarre & difficult in the not-so-distant future.

And I think that focusing on strengthening our relationship with Hashem is a positive way of facing that future.

One of the funny things about Judaism is how it aims to achieve complete rectification of the entire Universe, from the simplest level to the most profound — and that this rectification is mostly carried out by very regular, flawed people.

People with a special Jewish neshamah? Yes.

But perfected people? Nope. Not yet anyway.

Hidden sparks need to be released, whether by saying a heartfelt 3-second blessing over a cup of water or by converting with heartfelt kavanah to accept all the mitzvot of the Torah.

There are many other acts, both deceptively simple and unfathomably difficult, that release trapped sparks, leading to the tikkun of the entire Universe. 

And while we have our exceptional people, and even tzaddikim, most of this all-encompassing tikkun is carried out by regular Jews.

Holy Jews, yes. But also flawed.

This tremendously heavy & all-encompassing mission is actually a compilation of a great many missions.

And as stated above, it is mostly being accomplished by holy yet FLAWED people.

With so much to do & of such importance, some things fall by the wayside or short-cuts get taken.

In other words, normal Torah Jews juggle so much, they sometimes drop the ball.

And that is NORMAL.

We have to stop demonizing ourselves and others for dropping the ball.

Please note: Tzaddikim have perfected themselves to the point where they don't drop the ball. They don't take short-cuts.

B'ezrat Hashem, we'll all reach that level.

But until then, we can't nitpick at each other's imperfections & struggles as long as we're all trying.

So for example, everyone needs to keep Shabbat.

And to do so demands a certain amount of organization & energy.

Some lucky people not only possess a natural ability to organize their lives & thrive on projects, they were also raised by parents who provided of good example of what ideal Shabbos preparations look like.

Others may possess the natural energy & ability to organize their lives & the an innate tendency to thrive on projects, but they never experienced the ideal example (whether because their family was always careening into Shabbat by the skin of their teeth or because they weren't raised with Shabbat).

Still others were raised to prepare for Shabbat in an ideal manner, yet they lack the innate energy & ability to organize, and they lack an enjoyment of projects and To-Do lists. So they technically know how, but it's a weekly challenge to get themselves to do it properly because their innate nature puts up resistance.

And still others lack both the energy & natural ability to organize, plus they feel stressed-out (rather than energized) by the tasks they face each week in honor of Shabbat. In addition, they have no rolemodel or positive conditioning for Shabbat-prep (again, either because their family didn't model organized preparations or because they didn't keep Shabbat).

So that last group has all the cards stacked against them.

Yet they too must prepare for & keep Shabbat.

And they too are a vital part of the necessary rectification.

Even if they careen into Shabbat in a disorganized, last-minute manner (which is not ideal), they are still participating in this all-important tikkun, with all its far-reaching rectifying ramifications.

As we all know: "Just one Shabbos and we'll all be free!"

If all Am Yisrael keeps one Shabbat, Mashiach will come.
(Shemot Rabbah 25:12, Yerushalmi Ta'anit 1:1)

This is true for the lovely, organized shomrei Shabbat and it is true for the disorganized, overwhelmed, and forgetful shomrei Shabbat.

Regardless of who you are & what you lack within you or without, you have been entrusted with the magnificent mission of rectifying the Universe through Shabbos.

Yes, even if you're not up to it and even if you keep stumbling around in it, you are still entrusted with this holy mission.

​And we need to recognize this in each other too, even if we don't have those challenging issues.

And this is true for every aspect of mitzvah-observance.

I think we've all noticed that different people excel at different mitzvot, while those same people really struggle with other mitzvot.

And different people struggle with different mitzvot for different reasons.

For example, some struggle with tsniut (dressing & behaving with dignity) due to a strong attraction toward the latest fashions and behaviors.

(Note: Tsnius applies to men too, but in a different way & less intensely than for women.)

Yet others struggle with tsnius because they can't be bothered with what feels like fussy details. These types may not give a whit about fashion, but they just want to be comfortable and get on with life. So it's genuinely hard for them to pay attention to whether their elbows, neckline, knees, and hair are covered just right.

Yet others just love tsnius and even look for extra measures to take on. They feel so good when their clothes, make-up (if they wear any), and behavior fit the standards of a Torah daughter of the King — even if by secular modern standards, they look quaint or frumpy.

​But with the decreasing availability of tsnius clothes & shaitels, some women may be forced to take short-cuts. If the only tsnius shirt available is one with a less-than-flattering color or cut for her, then that's what she chooses.

Therefore, she may find it harder too look really good according to modern secular standards.

Because of this, she might have a less varied wardrobe too.

Many people don't like to hear this kind of thing.

It's common to say, "If it's really important, then you find the time/money/resources/motivation to do it."

People expect others (especially women) to jump through any & all hoops necessary just to achieve whatever they're expected to achieve in other people's minds.

And the expectations in all areas are very, very high.

But many people feel so overwhelmed that they're barely squeaking by emotionally and physically.

Yet they keep on trying their best.

And so you need to realize that Hashem finds them beautiful.

​And if you're struggling to do it (even if you don't do it according to top standards), He finds you beautiful too.

I once sat in a class in which an emotionally intense woman stated that she invests all her self-discipline in her students and her children, and doesn't feel she has much left for anyone else.

She is not innately patient or calm or deliberate. Yet with her children and students, she does everything she can to be more patient, calm, and deliberate, and to be the mother or teacher they need.

Yet this means that in other social situations, she acts more impulsively, she speaks out more and with less tact, she can come off as a bit overbearing, and so on. Yet she was never mean at all. She's a very good-hearted person.

But it takes all her strength to hold everything together for her kids and her students; so with others, the cracks start forming and the flawed stuff leaks out.

Now, it goes without saying that she needs to work on her middot ALL the time, and not just with her children & students. And she seems to realize that. 

But she needs to start somewhere, and at that time, her initial focus was on her children & her students. Hopefully, she would eventually spread her focus toward others.

So was she right or wrong?

Well, she was both right & wrong.

And that's NORMAL! She's a work-in-progress — just like we all are.

The fact is that she's doing a tremendous amount: She's granting a good foundation in Judaism to little Jewish girls, she's raising a large family, she lives in the constant stress of financial constraint, she needs to be a good wife to her husband, she needs to give tzedakah, keep Shabbat, keep on top of the kashrut of the kitchen, she needs to guard her tongue, and much, much more.

And it's a lot!

And so certain things fall by the wayside and balls get dropped.

​And what's true for her is true for all of us until we reach a certain level.

So you will see frum people who are doing so many good things, but still struggle with certain middot: the middot that they find most challenging, whether because of their innate nature or their upbringing or both.

So a Jew will constantly invest in many mitzvot, but may do at least one of the following:

• say blessings or daven without proper kavanah
• be forgetful
• speak in an abrupt or less than tactful manner (I'm not talking about abuse or nastiness)
• procrastinate
• act hyper
• get frazzled & stressed-out
• eat too much 
• eat the wrong foods (and not out of lack of funds to buy healthier foods)
• don't invest a great deal in their appearance
• spend too much
• spend too little
• talk too much
• misjudge situations
• act impulsively
• get trapped in indecision
• be kind of messy
• and much, much more.

And different people also hold different priorities about what they let slide.

You may not agree with them & I may not agree with them, and they may not agree with my or your priorities, but that's how it goes.

For example, people who tend to speak a bit too abruptly will tell you that they don't have the head-space or the patience to communicate differently. (Again, I'm not talking about people who enjoying shooting verbal barbs or hurting people.)

Often (though not always), they run their lives well and invest in good middot in other areas, but their communication style falls by the wayside as they feel overwhelmed by everything else.

I knew another person who was somewhat hyper & impulsive, with a bit of a stubborn streak that made her hard to deal with in certain situations.

But she was completely trustworthy never to speak a word of lashon hara. And I saw her in challenging situations, the kind in which even very good people tend to fail.

Not her.

She was amazing at guarding her tongue, whether regarding groups or individuals. She was also a very dedicated wife & mother. And she had an excellent work ethic.

All in all, she really meant to be a good person, and the areas which others found difficult were minor compared to her good points.

Do people need to work on all the behaviors listed above?

Yes, absolutely!

Including in the above examples, at some point, those people need to work on the communication style, their eating habits, and their hyperactivity.

Regardless of the fact that people need to work on all their middot, it's natural to still stumble in their weak points.

Some middot still fall by the wayside. (But hopefully, not for their whole life.)

​​So Jews who are doing the right thing overall and are at least trying to do the right thing are bringing about the rectification of the world.

And again, when you really think about it, it's funny that regular people are entrusted with this mission.

After all, we wouldn't send off an untrained soldier on a mission on which his whole country depends.

Look at America's Green Berets and all the training they must not only complete, but excel in before they are entrusted with their special missions.

Yet that's exactly the opposite of what Hashem does with us.

He sends us off on a life-long mission, sometimes with full resources, but just as often with very limited resources, and we need to develop the necessary resources along the way. 

And we're supposed to continue this mission even when we're hungry, pregnant, sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, exhausted, overworked, ill, or suffering allergies or migraines.

And we are supposed to achieve rectification of the Universe in this way.

Pretty heavy stuff.

Today, many people feel like they're shooting in the dark.

They're sliding into base just as the ball hits the baseman's glove.

There is so much information available today ​— yet so much of it is contradictory. (And this doesn't even begin to cover the heavy-duty self-promotion behind this information; even if the information is pretty good, it might still need some adjustments.)

Finding what works for you in your individual situation is a challenge.

So you drop the ball, you take a short-cut, you stumble, you careen, you let something fall by the wayside...

As long as you are trying to fulfill your God-given mission of rectifying the Universe via Torah & mitzvot, you are very beautiful in Hashem's Eyes.

And so are the other flawed people who are trying their best to uphold the Torah's commands.

In our upside-down world today, the ideas of kiddush Hashem (sanctification of Hashem's Name) and chilul Hashem (the desecration of Hashem's Name) can get mixed up.

Kiddush Hashem means presenting Hashem honestly, as HE wishes to be viewed.

For example, if you live in a society which says that killing unborn babies is an act of compassion or that 2 men getting "married" is a sign of morality & social progress, then even if everyone hates you for saying otherwise, it is a chilul Hashem for you to present Hashem as agreeing with acts He specifically forbade, such as abortion or same-gender marriage.

And it is a kiddush Hashem to object to such forbidden acts, like abortion & same-gender "marriage," and to also support laws that support normal man-woman marriage and to support laws and organizations that save unborn babies and provide for their mothers.

Secular newspapers & even some "frum" bloggers strive to impose society's standards onto Hashem, and encourage you to feel misplaced shame as a result, distorting what kiddush Hashem & chilul Hashem really mean.

The more knowledgeable you are in original Torah sources, the easier it is to stay strong.

So kiddush Hashem & chilul Hashem are not reliant on just what society considers good or bad.

It's all about what Hashem considers good or bad.

In the frum world, for instance, some people get odd ideas about kiddush Hashem. 

For example, a frum woman who makes sure to follow the latest fashion by wearing clothes that are too tight, skirts that are too short (or almost too short) and a shaitel more suitable for a Las Vegas showgirl — she often considers herself as making a kiddush Hashem.

And this doesn't even cover all the gestures these well-meaning women copy from the non-Jewish world, like flipping her long shaitel hair back in an attention-getting manner (and hope there is no one behind her who gets hit in the eye) and all sorts of other socially encouraged gestures & acts meant to make a woman look alluring and "free-spirited."

("Free-spirited" is the politically correct word for "hefker.")

But the intent of these well-meaning people is to say:

Look at how attractive frumkeit is!

Look at how gorgeous & free-spirited you can be while holding down a prestigious job & raising 8 kids!

And she gets lots of compliments for her appearance and for making frumkeit "look good."

Yet there is no way that such a lack of tsniut makes Hashem look good.

And while this isn't the place to get into what Hashem might think of a career woman (NOT a woman who works part-time or who is forced to work full-time, but a hard-hitting ambitious career woman — especially one with little children & babies), it's very questionable whether this "have-it-all" attitude truly reflects Hashem's feminine ideal. 

It's clear that women (or men in the male version of this) sincerely mean well. They honestly think they are making frumkeit look lovely & desirable.

But a Jew who does not maintain halachic standards is not making Hashem look good.

In other words, following society's standards when those standards contradict Hashem's standards is actually a chilul Hashem.

​But following Hashem's standards (as pleasantly as possible), despite society's oppositional standards, is a kiddush Hashem.

To combat the above, Rav Avigdor Miller frequently mentioned the importance of seeing our fellow Torah-observant Jews as "BEAUTIFUL."

If someone strives to keep the mitzvot as Hashem directed, then that person is BEAUTIFUL.

This is why Rav Avigdor Miller recommends you look into your spouse's eyes and say (to yourself, at least): "I am now looking at Hashem's Divine Image."

This is why Rav Miller exhorts us to look at the frazzled frum mother surrounded by young children and see her as more beautiful than any physical beauty queen. (But not in a taavadik way, if you're a man.)

This is why Rav Miller exhorts us to look at the somewhat overweight frum man waddling down the street to Mincha and think, "I love that man."

It's easy to get caught up in society's standards of beauty & poise.

It's easy to be embarrassed by frum people (or look down on ourselves) when the current standards of beauty, poise, and coolness are not met.

But if we are doing what Hashem wants (even clumsily), then we need to know that we are so incredibly beautiful.

We need to train ourselves to see ourselves that way & to see our fellow frummies that way too.

One of the craziest hurricanes in the recorded history of the Bahamas hit right at Rosh Chodesh Elul.

Its bizarre & destructive behavior, with its unceasing grind over the Bahamas gives food for thought. I sincerely pray that it will shift far away from America's East Coast.

Prayer really works.

Also, such powerful acts of nature are messages to us.

Here are some posts on the issue:

• Rav Avigdor Miller on Hurricanes & Holocausts
• What Yeshayahu Hanavi Says about Darkness, Clouds & Islands
• The #1 Thing You Can Do to Cancel Negative Decrees
• Did Teshuvah & Tefillah Dissipate a Potential Hurricane?

A couple of weeks ago, I came across a couple of stories similar to what appeared in Are We Still Longing for Aspects of Mitzrayim? 

In Lea Fuchs Chayen's book From the Depths I Call (also written about in Feeling the Pain of Another Jew's Sin), a variety of responses to the horrific events are described.

I can't & don't judge them because it's impossible for anyone to know how any of us would respond in the same situation, may we never be tested by such things.

Of course, I would love to think I'd be like Lea or any of her awe-inspiring friends...like the group of 5 sisters who survived the death camps together — and even "adopted" another young teenage girl (simply because they felt bad that she was all alone), making it a group of 6.

​This is particularly jaw-dropping because everyone was starving & freezing, and splitting food and other resources among 5 girls is already heroic, let alone adopt a 6th girl into the group. 

Or the teenage girl who literally saved Lea's life by giving Lea the girl's own crocheted undershirt in the winter, which left the girl with only one layer to withstand the elements — and again, in a terribly emaciated state amid inhuman conditions.

It's all such mind-bogglingly heroic compassion.

So yes, I would love to imagine myself responding as gloriously as those Jewish girls, but I can't deny that I could just as easily respond like the girl Lea describes in the death camp who suddenly fell into the delusion that she was an SS dog, and spent the entire night outside the barracks barking terribly and trying to bite people — until she was "taken away."

Or the other teenage Kapo girl who'd been at the death camp so long, she lost her humanity. She screamed abuse at her fellow Jewish girls and used her metal stick freely.

(And even though Lea suffered the Kapo's terrible verbal abuse and gets struck in the head by the metal stick, she compassionately refers to this Kapo as "Poor girl, how long has she been here in Birkenau?...She looks totally mad.") 

Early on, Lea notes that the conditions are created specifically to reduce the Jews to animalistic or lunatic behavior, to destroy their souls before destroying their bodies.

In other words, the mental deterioration was clearly part of the Nazi plot and not just a result of the ongoing genocide, but a deliberate part of the whole idea.

Somehow, Lea has the presence of mind to realize this and is able to mentally & spiritually resist this aspect of the Nazi destruction.

So yes, I would LIKE to think that I'd be like Lea and her friends.

But who can really be so confident of themselves?

So we don't judge the less ideal responses & we don't feel superior.

At the same time, we can still glean lessons that apply to us even now.

One of the young women Lea knows from her home town in Hungary was a gymnastics teacher.

Upon first arriving at the death camp, this lovely young gymnastics teacher whispers encouragement to Lea, confident that when their shaved heads grow hair again, their hair will be even nicer & stronger than it was before. Regarding their now-bare feet, the gymnastics teacher whispers that it's actually healthier to walk without shoes and that in a week or two, they will not even notice the lack of footwear.

It's worth noting that Lea and the others are only saved temporarily and "accidentally."

There was not enough room in the gas chambers when they arrived. So they're only being held until there's a lag in the deadly transports for their "turn." 

And Lea was desperate to leave the death camp — but not to avoid death.

At that point, she didn't care about life and was actually disappointed she had not died with her family.

However, Lea could not bear the constant smell of burning Jews, accompanied at night by the sight of flames against the dark sky.

This is in addition to the vile conditions, the crazed Kapos, the demonic female SS commanders and their evilly trained dogs, the constant verbal & physical abuse, and the constant threat of a torturous death.

The girls soon discovered that one could volunteer for slave labor in a German factory.

Volunteering meant getting a number tattooed on the forearm before being sent off for slave labor, but that was not a deterrent for Lea or the other girls — except for one young woman: the former gymnastics instructor.

When she and Lea discussed the option of leaving the camp by volunteering for slave labor (which meant a tattoo on the forearm), the gymnastics instructor refused, telling Lea, "imagine what a tattooed arm would look like in an elegant evening dress."

Now.

We don't judge this young woman. We don't imagine we would be better.

Furthermore, holding onto the hope that she will survive and live again is a very strong aspect of survival.

For example, Lea also spoke of her old home life with her friends in the slave labor at the factories. This helped her retain her authentic self.

​However, Lea remembered learning Tehillim with mefarshim with her father, seudah shlishis meals in the garden in the summer, her parents' chessed, her grandparents' piety, her older sisters' engagements & weddings & visits with their young children — not elegant evening dresses and the occasions that demand such dresses.

Also, Lea sat with her father at one point during the terrible time before they were transported, and received a clear psak about when she was allowed to commit suicide (only if she was about to be violated). Baruch Hashem, things never reached that point and she later wrote that this psak formed a strong foundation for her survival resolve.

Yes, Lea was lucky that her family remained sincerely frum amid the anti-Torah ideologies that infected Europe, so Lea's memories & inner world contained meaningful content that helped her survive, both mentally & spiritually.

What I mean to focus on is the attachment to the idea of an evening gown (and not a long-sleeved garment that would cover the forearm) and all that entails, and latching on to this idea to the point that, even as you smell your own people burning and see the flames against the sky, you are only concerned about how you'll look in an evening gown.

Meaning, I want to survive this horrific genocide of millions of Jews in Europe for...what?

And who brought the culture of evening gatherings with evening gowns?

The Magyar nobility & the cultured German elite.

These are the same people who crammed you into a ghetto in Hungary, tortured your wealthy ones for their hidden treasures, packed you into inhuman cattle cars, and are burning your people — with the intention of you next in line.

Lea doesn't say what the gymnastics instructor's background is, but if the evening gown culture is what she falls back on, then maybe she didn't have anything else in her background to cling to.

And who is to blame for that?

(Not her, in my opinion.) 

Similarly, Lea later meets a thirtysomething Jewish woman in the slave labor factory. 

Lea's impression of the woman is that she led a rather "dissolute" lifestyle prior to the Nazi invasion. (In other words, she was not only not religious at all, but didn't lead such a savory life by social standards either.)

At one point, right before the end of the war, Lea, this thirtysomething woman, and the other girls found themselves being transported in an open boxcar full of snow.

They were all on the verge of death from starvation and overwork. Lea describes them lying there like "zombies."

Suddenly, Lea manages to pull herself together and remember her resolution to keep track of the Jewish calendar. Realizing that she has not announced the Jewish date for the last 2 days, Lea announces the Jewish date and day of the week, including the startling fact that the next day will be Purim.

Then Lea (despite her near-death "zombie" state) gives chizuk to everyone by expressing the hope that in a few years time, they would all be celebrating Purim in their own homes, surrounded by their families, and finding it difficult to believe then what they were going through now.

(Lea admits that she herself did not believe what she was saying, but her desire to give chizuk & hope on the verge of death in such hopeless circumstances was admirable. Furthermore, it ended up being somewhat true for Lea, who married a wonderful religious Jew with whom she had healthy children, and they indeed celebrated many Purims together.)

To this, the thirtysomething woman said, "Who is Purim?"

Lea then told her a Hungarian word: Farsang.

(Evidently, this woman was so far removed from Judaism, she hadn't even heard of Purim. Also, I looked this up and apparently Farsang doesn't even mean "Purim," but it simply refers to a seemingly pagan-based Hungarian carnival. Again, it probably wasn't her fault. If she'd never heard of Purim, then she was probably raised without any Torah.)

The woman then said, "Every one of you is crazy if you have nothing else to think of."

Then she turned to Lea and invited Lea to visit her "after the war" in her "elegant apartment in Budapest" where she would receive Lea in her "most elegant clothes" while sporting her "long platinum blonde hair."

Again, without being judgmental, the contrast here is striking. 

Lea gives the girls real chizuk by encouraging them to look forward to a time when they'll be living Torah lives among a Jewish family home life.

This is something really live for.

Yet this thirtysomething woman not only derides merely thinking about Torah life as "crazy," but shares her own hope that she will be living a decadent, empty lifestyle once again.

Again, the point of these stories is not to point fingers.

Well, not to point fingers at anyone except ourselves, anyway.

Why?

Because there are lessons here for us, mussar for us.

For our fellow Jews in those times, when everything was stripped away, you had people yearning for Purim & you had other people yearning for evening gowns.

In other words, you had people looking forward to renewing a Jewish life & you had people looking forward to renewing a non-Jewish life.

I'm not talking about people so traumatized that they couldn't believe in God anymore.

I'm not talking about people who became crazy or violent in a crazy & violent hell not of their making.

I'm talking about people who at their very essence (through no fault of their own) had nothing to hold on to except the very culture (Europe/Esav) that created this horror in the first place.

And I've been really thinking a lot about this myself:

• Who am I?

 

• How much Yiddishkeit have I really internalized?

 

• Do I have yearnings for aspects of a non-Torah lifestyle?

 

• Is there any part of me that still yearns for Mitzrayim and its ridiculous cucumbers and meaningless fleshpots even as I am surrounded by Ananei Kavod (Clouds of Glory) and feasting on mann? (so to speak)

Looking around today, how many people would chose to stay in a death camp in the hope of a WiFi connection or to see who wins in their favorite reality show?

How many people's main fantasy would be about regaining their Twitter account or their feel-good drugs (legal or illegal) or their Harry Potter books "after the war"?

You can go on and on with this list because the bombardment of "Mitzrayim" has never been as powerful or as all-encompassing as in our generation (which is melamed zechut on us, but still).

It's always hard to produce a post like this (and thus, I've only done it a few times) because it can so easily be misunderstood as judging people I've no right to judge and feeling holier-than-thou about people who were usually much better than me.

That's not how I feel & that's not what this is about.

Like I said, how do I know that I wouldn't be a violent cursing Kapo or a barking & biting dog-girl or living for the sake of an evening gown?

I don't know that I wouldn't!

Who can believe in their own goodness with so much confidence?

Not me.

The point is to ask myself:

• Who am I REALLY?

 

• How deep & internalized are my Torah values?

 

• How nourished is my neshamah?

​And it's not to prepare ourselves for a similar test — b'ezrat Hashem, we will NEVER be tested in such a way!

On a practical level, we can ask ourselves what we're eager to do when we have some free time to ourselves:

Are we eager to:

• read that novel that's kind of kosher, but anyway, we just skim over the not-so-kosher parts
• check social media
• finish off the all the leftover Shabbos desserts
• fume & obsess (with no practical benefit) over the behavior of a co-worker, boss, family member, or someone I saw on the street

Or do we look to utilize that time to:

• Make some kind of cheshbon hanefesh
• Daven Mincha
• Talk to Hashem as we would our Best Friend
• Write or verbalize a gratitude list
• Listen to a shiur 
• ​Read a dvar Torah or learn halacha
• Spend time with my child
• ​Spend time with anyone else who needs it

Of course, this list can also go on.

​And yes, there are also mundane yet necessary things, like running errands, taking a much-needed nap, exercising, and so on, that are worthy endeavors.

For example, if you skimp on buying your child some much-needed new shoes or let necessary foods run out because you're saying Tehillim, then that does not make you a spiritual person.

The point is one of priorities.
 
Probably many of us wobble between the two sides.

Sometimes we spend our time wisely and meaningfully, and sometimes we indulge our baser nature.

Yet any step we can take in the higher direction can eventually lead to amazing spiritual progress.

The point is that by making ourselves as Torahdik on the inside as the outside (if not even more) and by nourishing our neshamah so much that it will naturally produce illumination in even the harshest times, then we are achieving both personal and National tikkun.

In other words, we'll be accomplishing what Hashem put us here for as individuals and also what Hashem wants to achieve through Am Yisrael.

It also sweetens din, both on the personal level and for the whole world.

Rav Miller's dvar Torah on Parshas Eikev 2 – One Hundred Blessings is full of his usual insights and practical applications.

​Mesilat Yesharim states that all the components for personal perfection in serving Hashem are found in the verse Devarim 10:12-13.

And they are:

1. To fear Hashem Elokecha
2. To walk in all of His Ways,
3. To love Hashem 
4. To serve Hashem with all your heart & all your soul
5. To keep all the mitzvos of Hashem & to keep all His Laws

To achieve this, says Rav Miller, takes learning (you need the knowledge to know how to keep the mitzvot and also to know what are His Ways) and making a mental & emotional shift.

If you're male, learning Shas can bring you very close to Hashem.

Rav Miller also recommends learning the following 3 books cover-to-cover many times:

1. Mesilat Yesharim (Pathways of the Just)
2. Chovot Levavot (Duties of the Heart)
3. Shaarei Teshuvah (Gates of Teshuvah)

That's pretty heavy-lifting, as Rav Miller notes.

This learning is very important.

​But there is also an easier way...

Rav Miller extracts some precious advice from the Gemara (pages 3-4):

It's worth reading the actual dvar Torah because Rav Miller details everything a lot more than this post.

But in short, Rav Miller emphasizes the importance of feeling the gratitude 100 times a day.

Whether you say a halachically worded bracha (like al netilat yadayim) or your own expression of gratitude, you need to actually feel it.

Why do we say brachot?

Rav Miller quotes his rebbe from Slabodka, who quotes the Kuzari:

This is so true.

If you've ever followed Rav Miller's advice and really looked at all the positive attributes of an apple, then said borei pri ha'etz with kavanah, and then bit in...the apple tastes DELICIOUS.

It is a sign of the strength of the yetzer hara that we get cooled off from saying blessings with warm kavanah because saying the brachot makes everything taste, smell, and feel better!

Rav Miller explains that Rebbi Meir in the Gemara did not mean that you just count up your brachot, i.e. 16 from the Morning Blessings, 5 more from Birchas HaTorah, 19 from each Shemoneh Esrei...

That's all excellent, but not enough.

​Instead, Rav Miller emphasizes:

At this point in the dvar Torah (starting from Part II: Walking the Pathway on page 8), Rav Miller invites you to join his "walking club" and takes you through your day from the time you wake up and points out (with insight & humor) all that you have to be grateful for.

You have to read it. It helps so much.

Here's one sample of something you can do right away (if it's daytime by you).

​Rav Miller says:

Rav Miller also encourages us to take note of any disabled people we see (in a discreet & respectful way) to feel more gratitude for what we have (while at the same time wishing them well, a refuah or whatever they need, in our head).

Seeing a blind person or a toothless person should awaken gratitude within those of us who are not blind or toothless.

Finally, at the end of the day, you say Bedtime Shema with all its accompaniments, and you go to sleep (page 16):

"...to start loving Hashem all over again."

​It all sound so nice.

Anyway, to sum it up, this kind of gratitude is self-transforming.

This is how you make yourself into a true eved Hashem.

This is how you achieve the 5 goals commanded in Parshat Eikev.

Let's conclude with Rav Miller's final words:

Discovering how our Gedolim respond to different situations helps us to respond with seichel yashar too.
 
In Hidabroot (sorry, I couldn’t find the same article in English), the following story appears (originally published with Dirshu) regarding Rav Shteinman ztz"l at the age of 95. (Source)
 
Rav Nachum Bernstein escorted an unnamed recent baal teshuvah to Rav Shteinman.

Rav Bernstein introduced the baal teshuvah as his talmid, saying, “This Jew has come a long way from the upbringing he received. Today, he merits to toil in Torah and to grow in mitzvot and yirat Shamayim. Yet there is one mitzvah he has not been capable of upholding and he has stumbled in this mitzvah time after time…”
 
At this point, the unnamed Jew burst into bitter tears and said, “I’ve done everything I can! I devote myself to Torah and, baruch Hashem, succeed in keeping most of the mitzvot. Only regarding this mitzvah, I’m not managing to prevail. Again and again, I stumble and the yetzer distracts me from my path. Again and again, I stumble and I don’t succeed in prevailing. Please, HaRav, what is there to do? How it is possible to cope?”
 
Both the frustrated baal teshuvah and the dedicated rabbi expected Rav Shteinman to offer either a segulah or practical advice.
 
To their surprise, Rav Shteinman rose to his full height and warmly clasped the hand of the baal teshuvah, then Rav Shteinman repeatedly hugged and kissed him.
 
With tears in his eyes, Rav Shteinman said, “Oy, how I envy you, how I envy you…all the merits you collect each time you DO manage to overcome yourself, how much eternal reward awaits you…I envy you!”
 
Rav Shteinman lovingly clasped the man’s hand again. “You’re a wonderful tzaddik, a rare tzaddik. It’s so difficult for you to cope, and yet you continue to strive and you keep trying. Despite everything, you keep fighting. The Creator of the World is proud of people like you; I am full of envy toward you!”
 
Everyone in the room was stunned.
 
Then Rav Shteinman requested that the baal teshuvah return soon because Rav Shteinman wanted to meet again with a person of such spiritual greatness.
 
A few months later, the pair returned and Rav Shteinman immediately remembered the struggling man. Rav Shteinman asked how he was doing and coping.
 
Now the man was managing a lot better and stumbling only occasionally. Yet again, Rav Shteinman became very excited and hugged the man with great warmth. “I’m thrilled to merit meeting a man like you! You succeed in prevailing, you fight like a lion—I’m proud of you. Ashreicha, how goodly is your portion!”
 
And the rav invited the man to visit him again in the near future.
 
At the third meeting, the man was able to report that he hadn’t stumbled even once since the last time they met.
 
In response, Rav Shteinman rose from his chair, kissed the man on the forehead, and said, “You are not a holy Jew—you are literally the Holy of Holies!” 

​Unfortunately, society (particularly psychology and psychiatry) often define us by our flaws: narcissist, borderline, alcoholic, depressed, hyperactive, drama queen, ADD, etc.
 
Even worse, people who genuinely struggle yet fail are often considered equal to those who do not try at all. If you’ve ever had this happen to you (and I have), it’s soul-destroying.
 
No matter how hard you try (and no matter how awful your nisayon is), some people will consider you just as bad as someone who never tries at all, consider you just as bad as people who not only won’t even acknowledge they possess a particular flaw, but also never show remorse for their behavior.
 
(Interestingly, the worst offenders of this kind of judgment are often people who would never even manage for one week in your difficult nisayon, let alone struggle as you do. Hmm…)
 
This kind of condemnation is very destructive.
 
It is also irrational and just plain wrong.
 
Yet many people feed into this distorted thinking.
 
You’re condemned for having the flaw (even though EVERYONE has flaws) and given absolutely no credit for fighting it.
 
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
 
Backwards, backwards, backwards.
 
So one of the Gedolei Hador, a tzaddik, responds in exactly the opposite manner, contrary to many.
 
The tzaddik is full of praise for the man for trying.
 
Look, at the first meeting the guy admitted that he was failing a lot. He was basically a failure in this particular area.
 
Except that he wasn’t.
 
Despite knowing that the man was losing far more rounds than he’d won, Rav Shteinman was full of praise and admiration because the man was trying.
 
Rav Shteinman praised the man’s struggle.
 
This is why it’s so important to try to get into the mindset of a Gadol. They think very differently than regular people, and their thinking is so much healthier—because it’s based on TRUTH.

​Likewise, in Words of Faith, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender describes a handful of people with some pretty unappealing flaws, people who spent a lot of time crying at Rebbe Nachman’s grave, begging Hashem to help them overcome their yetzer hara.
 
Despite (or maybe because of) the fact that Rav Bender not only lacked these particular flaws, but probably could not personally relate to weakness on the level that it plagued these guys, Rav Bender spoke of them with admiration.
 
As far as Rav Bender was concerned, you may not be able to help how you were born (or later corrupted, in one case), but you can decide how you respond to your weak points. And crying out to Hashem and struggling against the yetzer hara is exactly the right way to respond.
 
So Rav Bender spoke of these strugglers with admiration and fondness.

​Why didn’t Rav Bender tell these pained strugglers, “Eew, yuck” or “Just get a hold of yourself already, fruitcake!” or “Stop being so melodramatic. Get over yourself already”? Or stare at them in silent horror or suspicion or distaste to make them feel REALLY defective?
 
I think it has to do with humility.
 
In an earlier post (True Greatness Revealed in the Seemingly Small Stuff), we saw how Rav Shteinman revealed profound self-awareness that his placidity in the face of terrible stress may just be his nature and not necessarily true emunah.
 
He was digging down deep to make sure that his tranquility was coming from real emunah and not from some naturally occurring disassociative state.
 
Likewise, Rav Bender also struggled with aspects of himself, albeit not to the extent that some of his fellow Breslovers did.
 
So how does a Torah-oriented mind respond?
 
WOW. That’s a REALLY big nisayon. Gosh. I haven’t had to face a yetzer hara like that. (Or, if they have, they know how hard it is & appreciate the effort involved.) That’s such a tough battle. Whoa, think of all the reward involved for winning a battle like that!
 
Seeing the world through spiritual eyes is very different than seeing the world through eyes of ego or gaavah.
 
The following has been posted before, but Rav Akiva Rabinowitz’s words (from Rav Ofer Erez’s Ahavat Kedumim, pg. 170) are always worth repeating:

Around a week ago, I found myself feeling out of sorts and a bit hopeless about the future.

It's good to probe this kind of feeling to see if something concrete lies beneath it and what to do about it.

But I couldn't see anything different than usual in my life, and I'd been basically happy not long before.

Yes, it could be the ruach of the 3 weeks enveloping me. But National grieving is very different than negativity & a general feeling of "blah." So I didn't really think it was that.

Then I thought maybe it was hormones. Hormone-influenced moods are never far from my mind now because I'm at that age where I could either get pregnant or enter menopause.

Anyway, as I was walking along back from taking my son to gan, I tried to thank Hashem for things, as per Rav Shalom Arush's advice. This is always a good thing to do, even though it can be emotionally difficult at times.

Then I started mentally wishing good stuff for whomever I passed on the way, as per Rav Avigdor Miller's advice. Upon seeing a group of little girls enthusiastically playing in the sandlot of their school, I remembered Rav Miller emphasizing how it important it was to mentally bless these little Beit Yaakov girls, that they should get along well in school and be successful in everything in their little sweet lives, and to appreciate their general preciousness.

I can't tell you hard it was to do that.

You know how when you're down, you either get very negative & cynical...or numb?

Mentally or verbally whispering blessings to those whom you pass by takes emotional energy. It takes heart. It's proactive rather than reactive. You need to care, which goes against negativity, cynicism, and numbness.

But reading so much advice from real rabbanim makes an impression over time, even if we don't always notice it right away.

B'chasdei Hashem, I had Rav Miller's words in my head, which gave me the "oomph" I needed to do what he advised.

Later that day or even the next day, I started feeling all chirked up again. Baruch Hashem!

And then I remembered that I'd been through this before...

I can't remember exactly which books I read this in (probably Garden of Emuna, among others), but I firmly believe in this concept that Hashem sometimes sticks you in a "pit" just so that you can climb out of it in the correct way.

Especially if in the past, you've lain face-down & despairing in the pit, or floundering around in its mire, or fallen as you've tried to scrabble out, Hashem sticks you back in so that you can get it right this time—which enables you to rectify all those other failed times. 

Actually, this is a core concept in teshuvah, that Hashem often puts us back in the same or a similar situation in order to respond correctly this time and rectify ourselves.

​(There are other reasons too, in addition to this type of rectification.)

This has happened to me several times, but I forget every single time I find myself drowning in it again (which I think is probably part of the nisayon).

Yes, you can find yourself in a negative emotional state: angry, irritable, cynical, hopeless, depressed, emotionally lethargic, apathetic, blah, etc. And it doesn't seem to have a direct cause.

But sometimes Hashem wants us to make that 1 baby-step that moves us out of ourselves. Despite our negative self-absorbed state, He wants us to make 1 baby-step toward caring for our fellow Jews.

A person who stays mired in a negative state is very different than a person who mumbles good wishes toward Jewish children or gratitude toward the Creator.

The 2 people look the same and they feel the same, but there is a minor difference that's actually very major.

And it's one of the HUGE reasons why I am so grateful for our real talmidei chachamim.

Why?

Because (and I know it doesn't make me sound so good, but...) the truth is that without their constant encouragement & loving exhortations, I don't think I would figure it out on my own.

Probably I would just continue on my dull, blah way.

The way so many real rabbanim have pared down our avodat Hashem into easily digestible bite-sized pieces, which they then spoon-feed us, has been the saving grace for so many of us.

Without their emuna-infused work, I would just be stuck in the worst way.

And it's these barely perceptible little shuffles in the right direction that make all the difference.

Posts with Advice from Real Rabbanim & Their Recommended Baby-Steps:

• How to Save the World One Step at a Time
• A 60-Second Exercise to Fulfill Your Main Purpose in Life
• Judaism's Secret: Achieve the Glorious Maximum by Doing the Bare Minimum
• Mishlei/Proverbs 17:23: Amazing Encouragement for Awful People
• Why Your Response to a Fall Matters More than the Fall Itself
• One Minute of Hashem's Overwhelming Love For You
• How to Strengthen the 3 Areas Necessary to Bring Mashiach

A friend of mine from years back (let’s call her Esty) suffered a severe lack of shalom bayit.

In her eyes, her husband was demanding and self-centered.

​Early on, she felt her husband had only ever seen marriage as the way to get a kosher girlfriend and a built-in servant (in complete opposition to actual halacha and Torah hashkafah, BTW).
 
And no...this adviser, that rebbetzin, this shalom bayit expert, that therapist, his rav—no one was ever able to help (which is unfortunately very typical—why? Because such a severe nisayon is fine-tuned from Hashem and demands more of a spiritual response than a derech-hateva response).
 
And throughout it all, whether it was friends or advisers or books & articles, Esty felt like her shalom bayit problems showed her to be co-dependent.

Or perhaps blameworthy?

Or pathetic & stupid? After all, why did she marry such person in the first place? (Apparently, even her subconscious hates her.)

And why didn’t she just get divorced? (This from her friends.)

​On the other hand, if she was a "better" wife, maybe her husband wouldn’t be so critical and angry all the time. (She tried, but never managed to find that elusive "better" that would magically transform her husband.)
 
Esty felt there were so many ways to see herself in this situation--and they were all bad.

When Esty held herself back from responding in kind, when she remained totally silent and felt dead inside, it didn’t help at all. Her husband's tongue could ride on his temper-fueled steam for a very long time.

​Yet when she could no longer take it (like after 2 weeks of remaining silent and feeling dead in the face of his verbal battery) and fought back, it also didn’t curb his behavior at all. (Even though standing up to bullies is apparently the key to dealing with them.)
 
Conflicting self-condemnations shot back & forth in Esty’s head all the time.
 
But when a completely assimilated friend ended up visiting her area, Esty felt that Esty was her friend’s only chance to experience Shabbos. Esty also wanted to spend time with this assimilated Jew who’d been a close friend in high school.
 
So Esty invited her friend for Shabbat and hoped her husband would be too embarrassed to act the way he usually did.

​But much to her chagrin, Esty's husband wasn’t too embarrassed to act the way he usually did.

​(He never was, Esty eventually realized. She always hoped anew and was always shattered anew until she limited the time she spent with her husband around other people; family outings, hosting guests, etc., became a thing of the past.)
 
Being a gregarious guy, Esty’s husband was friendly & jovial toward Esty & her friend—until Esty (or their toddler) did something that happened to bother her husband (the toddler’s eye infection with a pussy eye was one of an infinite number of things that bothered her husband)--at which he point he would explode at Esty (because, of course, everything was always her fault).
 
Esty noticed and appreciated how his bursts of temper tended to be much shorter around other people, but she still found his outbursts profoundly humiliating & distressing.
 
Ultimately, Esty felt she couldn’t make excuses to her friend for most of her husband’s bursts of temper without coming off like a pathetic doormat or a sufferer of Stockholm Syndrome, but she did explain that her husband got really stressed out by seeing all that puss in their toddler’s eye and it frightened him, which is why he exploded.

​Esty also mentioned that her husband apologized—although he didn’t really apologize, but said that had he known the eye infection wasn’t as serious as it looked, he wouldn’t have gotten so upset.
 
But Esty wanted her husband (and herself) to look a bit better in her friend’s eyes, so Esty stretched the truth a bit.
 
Upon hearing he’d apologized (even though he actually hadn’t), Esty’s friend gave a firm nod and said, “GOOD.”

At the end of the visit, Esty—still self-conscious about her husband’s behavior and how it reflected on her & on frum people in general, especially since her friend knew Esty had met her husband on shidduchim, which is allegedly a great way to avoid such problematic people—casually said, “I wonder how it looked to you that my husband and I have issues and don’t always get along so well.”
 
Esty's friend looked Esty straight in the eye for a long moment.
 
Esty’s friend was a committed feminist and vegan who worked her biceps into little feminine muscles and refused to shave her legs (yes, I met her too).

Esty’s friend was a very successful professional on her way to a doctorate.

Esty’s friend also lost her non-Jewish father at the age of 2 to her non-Jewish father’s receptionist and suffered her mother’s remarriage to a man who molested her when she was 6.

Esty’s friend’s new step-mother (yes, the oh-so alluring receptionist) ended being an extremely temperamental nutcase, but her father didn’t feel like going through the whole divorce procedure again, especially when he had a new child born from this second wife. (Instead, he waited until that child went to college, and then he divorced his psycho former receptionist.)

He later confided how much he wished he’d never divorced Esty's friend's mother. In hindsight, he felt his first wife was actually much better than the nutty, temperamental receptionist he’d run off with and that it had all been a big mistake—for which Esty’s friend paid the highest price.
 
Still looking Esty right in the eye, Esty’s friend said, “I think it’s good that you guys are committed to the struggle, especially when you have a kid together.”
 
“Really?” said Esty, shocked. “You don’t think he’s bad…or that I’m a doormat or co-dependent or…something?”
 
Her friend mulled it over for a moment, then said, “I don’t like it when he talks to you like that, of course. But I admire the fact that you guys are willing to stick it out. Most people aren’t. Anyway, most of the couples I know getting divorced don’t even know why they’re getting divorced. I don’t think they even fight. They just sort of drift into divorce. And even though they have kids and everyone knows how hard divorce is on the kids, they’re not willing to struggle through it. Yeah, sometimes divorce is necessary and better for the kids too. But a lot of times, it would be better if the parents would just stick it out. It’s like the kids aren’t even worth the struggle to keep the marriage together.”
 
“Even if the parents are fighting?” said Esty. “Even if they’re not getting along so well?”
 
Her friend paused, then said, “I know it sounds bad to say it, but yeah. Not always. It depends. Maybe if they don’t have kids, it’s okay. But if they have kids already, then yeah—even if they’re fighting and there’s problems and stuff. It depends how bad it is, of course. But in general, I think it's better to try and stick it out for the kids. But I don’t feel like I can ever say this to anyone.”

Then Esty’s friend mentioned that many people claim to be getting divorced “for the children,” even though Esty’s friend felt that clearly wasn’t the case.
 
“Wow,” said Esty. “I really thought you would lose respect for me when you saw how my husband treats me.”
 
“I don’t like how he treats you all the time. It really bothered me to hear him get angry with you about things that aren’t even your fault. And it seems like he gets angry about things that aren’t very important. But mostly he was fine with you and your daughter—at least from what I saw. But I still respect you the same—even more, because you’re willing to hold on to your commitment.”

​She gave Esty another penetrating look. “I mean, marriage is supposed to be for life, right?”
 
Esty was floored.

​Esty really thought her assertive, “progressive,” independent, successful friend would feel so much more negatively about what Esty was sure must have seemed like a demeaning & misogynist marriage.

Esty shared this story years ago, when it first happened, and I never forgot it because it demonstrates the sharply different angles from which the same situation can be seen.
 
Note: It doesn’t justify in any way the behavior of Esty’s husband nor does it minimize the very real anguish Esty suffered from constant criticism and the unpreventable angry outbursts.
 
And frankly, I think we’ve all seen situations in which divorce is clearly the best option for both the parents and the children.
 
However, what her assimilated friend’s perspective gave Esty was a little bit of relief from the feeling that people were looking at Esty and assuming she was a co-dependent or pathetic or disrespectable or, even worse, as bad as her husband made her out to be & at fault for his poor behavior.
 
And it gave Esty some relief from the conflicting self-condemnations constantly racing around in her head.
 
And maybe it was also possible for Esty to see herself how her friend saw her:
​
Committed, willing to struggle, and--most important of all (to Esty’s friend)--willing to put her child’s needs before her own.

Having said all that, were there things Esty could do to help herself more?

Sure. Spiritual efforts, like:

• being careful not to talk about her situation unless her speech followed the laws of lashon hara l'to'elet (including to sympathetic friends like me ;-)
• davening
• pouring her heart out to Hashem as she would her Best Friend
• doing a cheshbon hanefesh (because Chazal stated that ANY kind of suffering should inspire us to examine our deeds)
• seeing it as a way to spiritual growth.

But again, there are no guarantees.

A person can make efforts to sweeten din. But ultimately, Hashem decides whether it's in the person's best interests for the nisayon to be softened or even eliminated completely...or not. 

You know...most of us are just regular, flawed people who sometimes find ourselves in excruciating situations that demand middot far, far beyond where our middot currently lie.

It's important to see the good in ourselves and to see something positive in the way we're struggling, even if we are also fumbling around and sometimes submitting to bad middot.

Unfortunately, both modern and early (Freud, etc.) Western psychology have produced lots of negative labels for strugglers and all sorts of flaws. 

Frum people who are not emuna-oriented can even distort or misapply passages in Tanach & Gemara & Chazal to further slap negative labels on strugglers. 

But you can see yourself with great hope and faith, despite your flaws and struggles.

After all, that's how HASHEM sees you.