Anyway, at the beginning of our marriage, my husband and I went to visit a rabbi (with the rabbi’s agreement) and at my husband’s prompting, I asked the rabbi directly, “What nusach should I daven?”

That question was part of the reason why we were there.

I’m Ashkenazi, my husband is Sephardi, and another rabbi told me that some poskim say the wife should take on her husband’s nusach while some say she should stick to her own familiar nusach.

So we went my husband’s rabbi to get a decisive answer.
 
And the rabbi acted like I hadn’t said anything. He just looked away and didn’t say a word -- not even a grunt.
 
I felt very embarrassed and confused. Had I said something wrong? Or was he thinking it over? Perhaps he hadn’t understood me with my heavy American accent?
 
I glanced at my husband, who also seemed taken aback, but after a long and uncomfortable silence, the rabbi started talking to my husband about something else.
 
I was really confused.

​Also, just for knowing, the rabbi would look at me directly (in a modest manner) and address me directly at other times. So it wasn't that he refused to talk to or look me in the face by custom.
 
At a pause in the conversation, I waited a moment and then politely said something like, “Excuse me, kavod harav, um…I was just interested in knowing what nusach I should daven now?”

He looked at me in an odd way, then turned away and made no response.

​So I said, “Um, the thing is I davened Ashkenazi until now, but now I’m supposed to take on Sephardi minhagim…” I faltered because he still made no reply. “So, uh, I heard that some poskim say one way and some say another and, uh, I was just wondering which nusach I should daven?”
 
He frowned and looked away from me.
 
Now, instead of feeling mildly confused or a bit taken aback like a normal person might, I felt devastated—because this is my sore spot. I’m way too oversensitive in this area.
 
At this point, my husband got up the guts to politely re-ask my question and the rav looked at him, frowned, and made this irritated motion with his hands and shoulders.
 
And my husband immediately raised his palms in surrender, “Okay, sorry, sorry! Never mind. Ah…” And my husband changed the subject.
 
When we got home, I burst into tears as I asked why the rabbi treated me so. My husband tried to make a joke out of it and quipped that apparently the rabbi wanted to rely on my husband.
 
“So why didn’t he SAY that?” I cried. "Why did he act like I don't even exist?"
 
My husband shrugged apologetically. He grew up in a traditional immigrant Moroccan neighborhood in Eretz Yisrael, where respect for people who learned Torah was sacrosanct and he couldn’t bring himself to speak about his rabbi any further.
 
To compound things (and I'm revealing this with my husband's consent), my husband’s father died very suddenly when my husband was a teenager, and he always missed the closeness they’d shared. So he instinctively sought a father figure in his rabbi.

​And this rabbi could be very warm and friendly when they learned or spoke together, and such paternal warmth is what my husband understandably craved—but the rabbi could also be irritable and sharp and prone to short bursts of frightening temper. (I saw it once and it froze me speechless—and all because his wife brought the wrong coffee. Cripes.)
 
What I didn’t know at the time was that this rabbi has a lion-like temper (which was why my husband got nervous when the rabbi got irritable and why my husband was hesitant to push the rabbi to answer the innocent—and very simple!—shaila).
 
And as I also saw several times, this rabbi can be very friendly and warm toward people, then treat them with disdain or hostility. (And he did this to me, sometimes acting like I didn’t exist as he did above, or being really nice and then with a paternal smile, plunge his verbal dagger into my nefesh.)
 
Eventually, we drifted off from him and much to his credit, my husband eventually managed to overcome the very understandable desire for some kind of father figure.
 
In other words, despite his hasmadah in learning and the tremendous intellectual knowledge he possessed, this rabbi's Torah learning remained stuck in his head only and never managed to fully flow down to his heart.

You could definitely see the influence of Torah on him, but there was still a lot missing.
 
And some people are like that.

​For whatever the reason, some people learn tremendous amounts of Torah (sort of like academics like to learn their own weighty tomes and philosophies), but such people never manage to actually INTERNALIZE the Torah they learn. (Or they only internalize a very small percentage of the vast amount of Torah they’ve learned.)
 
Of course, we’re all flawed and even someone who learns Torah for years can still exhibit flawed middot at times.

Only Hashem is perfect.
 
But this rabbi's extreme behavior exhibited itself regularly.
 
And we need to use caution when choosing a rav. Just because someone has a lot of Torah-learning in his background doesn’t mean he is a Torah personality.
 
For example, when a regular frum Jew asked Rav Avigdor Miller how to deal with a learned rabbi’s lack of derech eretz, Rav Avigdor DIDN’T say, “Gevald! Why aren’t you giving him the benefit of the doubt? Who are you, a lowly regular Yid, to judge such a big talmid chacham?!”
 
No.
​
Rav Avigdor knew that rabbis can lack derech eretz. So he recommended that the regular Jew write the rabbi a polite anonymous letter.
 
Here’s the original Q&A:

In Going Home…to Yerushalayim, a commenter asks how can we know who to listen to and who not?
 
It’s an excellent and vitally important question.
 
So first of all, it’s important to pray for this.
 
Both Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender (Words of Faith) and Rav Michel Dorfman recommended saying “Utaknenu b’aitzah tovah milfanecha” (said in Maariv and Bedtime Shema) with as much kavanah as you can regarding this issue.

So when I saw the rabbi erupt into bursts of short but very intense anger (over nonsense), I could have realized he wasn’t the real deal.
 
It was confusing at the time because in those days, there was tremendous pressure on baalei teshuvah to find a rav (any rav!) and many stories showcased how blind obedience to a rav reaped a satisfyingly happy ending.

There are also many stories showing rabbis acting oddly and later revealing profound and legitimate reasons for such behavior.

But they were tzaddikim with ruach hakodesh—which is very different than the vast majority of rabbis who most certainly do NOT possess ruach hakodesh or tzidkus. So you needn’t assume your rabbi’s unhalachic behavior is the result of profound holiness.
 
Anyway, I thought the problem was me and that if I only had enough emunat chachamim, everything would be fine.
 
(But things didn’t work out and I learned a big lesson: Intellect is NOT the same as wisdom. And we shouldn’t place our emuna on a “walking encyclopedia,” but only on a real true chacham.)
 
So it’s not easy and it takes some time, but that’s one way to go.

The following pertains specifically ​to gedolei hador, but it's still good general advice.

This is what Rav Avigdor Miller suggests in Recognizing a Gadol Hador:

• See who other gedolim are calling a gadol.
• Do great rabbanim from outside his group consider him a gadol?

​By the way, we can and certainly should respect all people for the good middot and authentic Torah knowledge they DO possess. Some people are experts on the halachos of tevilat keilim or lashon hara, but lack sensitivity or expertise in other areas.
 
We should not start gossiping about a rabbi’s—or any person’s—bad traits unless there is a halachically mandated benefit in doing so.
 
We must always find a good point in every Jew—the more good points, the merrier.
 
However, on the subject of rabbis, you don’t need FOLLOW them if they aren’t up to par.

​If their views conflict with those mentioned in STANDARD halacha and mussar, you DON’T need to follow them.
 
Yes, you treat them with same courtesy and respect as you do any human being.

But you don't need to follow them.
 
Their opinions and hashkafahs aren’t kodesh kedoshim—unless that rabbi truly embodies Torah haskafah.
 
So if they aren’t representing Torah truth (and long gray or white beards with impressive rabbinical attire and rabbinical degrees don’t AUTOMATICALLY determine their level of Torah truth), you don’t need to (and shouldn’t) follow them.

Frum media isn’t perfect either.

​Please see:
Rav Avigdor Miller on the Yeshivah & the Sane Asylum

And this connects to what’s happening in both Eretz Yisrael & Chutz L’Aretz today:
Are the Reshaim Endangering Us?​

P.S. This post started off with mentioning the problem of a sore oversensitive point. I want to continue discussing how to deal with any point of oversensitiveness. When ignored, it interferes with having a good life and good middot. So more on how to deal with that in an upcoming post…

​I want to start off by reiterating that the Pele Yoetz was a very holy and knowledgeable Jew who chose to die of plague in order to spare his community of suffering that same plague. He strove for honesty and yosher in every aspect of life.

And as much as he felt the pain of his fellow Jews in whatever difficult interpersonal situation they found themselves, the Pele Yoetz maintained equal awareness that Olam Haba is a very real place, and that rising to the occasion by overcoming your bad middot earns you a goodly portion in Olam Haba while giving in to your lower instincts and emotions can land you in a lot of trouble with Heavenly Judgement.

With this in mind, much of the his advice flies in the face of what our secular-influenced culture tells us now. Yet you’ll see that the Pele Yoetz’s advice follows the actual halacha.

In other words:

• The Pele Yoetz understands your pain.
• The Pele Yoetz also understands that Hashem is behind the difficult situations.
• The Pele Yoetz has an excellent idea of exactly how awful Gehinnom is and how marvelous Gan Eden is.
• The Pele Yoetz VERY MUCH wants people to avoid Gehinnom.
• So the Pele Yoetz tailors his advice to help people avoid Gehinnom in their Olam Haba because he feels that suffering Gehinnom in This World is more than enough.

 

• Remember, the Pele Yoetz himself was willing to suffer the plague for several weeks and then die so that no one else would need to suffer the same fate (including those very difficult people who might actually deserve such a fate).

And this final point:
The Pele Yoetz focuses on your present and future behavior.

​He barely focuses on external causes because despite your upbringing and many other factors, you still have the capacity to behave with good middot or you wouldn't be commanded to do so.

Needless to say, I struggle with the above as much as anyone else. Sometimes, I do my best to maintain my middot and succeed, but sometimes I fail. That's how it goes. I publish the Pele Yoetz's advice for myself as much as anyone else.

Secular modern psychology is atheistic, even if many psychologists aren’t actual atheists. So psychology focuses on the surface-level emotional well-being of the client rather than on the client’s soul and future well-being once the soul leaves the body.

​Also, no therapist is going to be as mosser nefesh for you as the Pele Yoetz.

Your therapist will never take your Heavenly Punishment upon his- or herself like the Pele Yoetz did for his errant brethren.

So it's best to listen to him as much as we can.

Rav Avrohom Ehrman’s book Journey to Virtue notes that part of fulfilling the mitzvah of v’ahavta l’re’echa kamocha (love your neighbor as yourself) includes (but is not limited to):

• Speak only in a positive manner about others.
• Show the same degree of concern for their honor as you do your own.
• Camouflage their deficiencies just as we would wish our own faults to be overlooked.

The above is admittedly VERY HARD to do with people who treat you badly.

Modern society accuses people of being "fake" or "in denial" or "Pollyanna" or "a stooge" when they do things like only speak positively of others or camouflage other people's deficiencies.

Yet that's only true when your INTENTION is to cover up for a bad guy who uses your cover to keep hurting others. It's true when prefer to disassociate and actually pretend nothing in wrong and continue neglecting yourself or others, or if you're trying to be a goody-two-shoes.

In Judaism, you don't pretend that bad is good. (That's chanifah -- totally forbidden.)

You simply emphasize the good.

However, when your intention is to remain well-aware, but commit to HASHEM'S value system and follow the above strictures with integrity, then that's being more REAL than anything else.

Remember, as elucidated in a past post, Judaism considers the whole truth told only when the positive is included.

Modern society is the exact opposite. Truth is only when the negative is included.

​This was a very complex post to put together because the Pele Yoetz acknowledges both the awful reality of some people’s behavior together with the unknowable Divine Plan behind putting you together with such people.

And he discusses both the spiritual reasons along with the here-and-now reasons as motivation to rise to the occasion when dealing with difficult people.

But his MAIN FOCUS is on CORRECT BEHAVIOR. He openly acknowledges that correct behavior may not influence the difficult person to behave better. He says that it can, but it doesn't necessarily.

This approach is very different than the approach even many frum advisors use today, so it can take time to internalize the Pele Yoetz's message because it initially feels like sandpaper-rubbing rather than a loving caress.

So it’s all together and that makes it difficult to sum things up (especially on a computer screen where the eye naturally skims the information rather than reading it carefully—mine too).

The Pele Yoetz doesn’t mince words when describing people (“lowly and disgusting” “depraved” “bad character” “bad and difficult”) nor does he make excuses for the miserable behavior.

You don’t hear about anyone’s unfortunate upbringing or background or environment. Instead, he mostly attributes people’s flaws to the generation or to general factors (like old age), rather than to specific circumstances.

HOWEVER, he also very strongly encourages people to push themselves spiritually to be the best they can be—despite the weakness of the generation and the rampant ignorance in society, or any other factors (like old age, stressful situations, etc).

His Balkan Jewish society was interesting because while there weren’t secular Jews per se, there were very ignorant Jews. Some didn’t know how to read or know how to read Hebrew.

For example, he advises a man who doesn’t know Hebrew to go to a Sage before Yom Kippur to have the Hebrew Vidui (Confession) translated into the vernacular.

(We don't need to do that nowadays because we have Artscroll and Metzudah and the like. But the point is to understand each word of Vidui.)

​At the same time, Sarajevo was the Torah center where the Pele Yoetz learned too, and Sarajevo produced many talmidei chachamim and tzaddikim. And then you had everyone in between those 2 extremes.

The Pele Yoetz speaks strongly about the need to overcome your lesser middot and behave in an exemplary manner while at the same time acknowledging how hard that can be. Sometimes, his expectations seem too high—yet he addresses this too by saying that if the Torah commanded it, then it cannot be impossible.

“The Sages spoke only of one whom the controversy pursues him. And he flees from it and the peace flees from him and he runs after it [i.e the peace]—THAT is called a ‘rodef shalom—a pursuer of peace’ and his deeds will be praised at the gates.”
​
Several times, the Pele Yoetz makes the point that being a rodef shalom—a pursuer of peace—implies behaving peacefully with truly difficult people. Else why do you need to pursue peace? If a person is lovely, then peace exists on its own—no need to go running after it.
​
So he definitely understands that some people are difficult and that maintaining your middot with them is very difficult.

​How does that all connect with lashon hara?

Our most difficult and painful relationships are exactly what trip us up, spiritually speaking.
​
There is opportunity for great loss—or great gain, depending on our response.

Lashon hara for no halachically permissible reason entails spiritual loss.

Problems among family ties can trip off the most lashon hara.

So among our more intricate family relationships, the Pele Yoetz has a lot to say.
 
Below, you’ll see some of the advice he offers both spouses and in-laws.

Note: Coming from secular Western society, it’s quite a pop in the face. So be prepared… 

​The Pele Yoetz insists on exemplary behavior on the part of spouses and in-laws even toward a spouse or child/parent-in-law who is awful.
​
First, he reminds both husbands and wives:
Love of the soul is the most important love of all, so the spiritual goals for you & your spouse need to be foremost at all times.

He actually repeats this idea for husbands, wives, and parents throughout the book.

​The Pele Yoetz says to wives:

Note: I wish EVERY person involved in ANY shalom bayis counseling would commit the above to memory and engrave it on their heart!

It IS difficult to offer general advice because NOT ALL PEOPLE THINK ALIKE. The Pele Yoetz encourages women to conduct themselves according to the nature of HER husband and HIS character—NOT according to whatever stereotypes your advisor has of men or according to your rebbetzin’s husband’s nature.

He stated this nearly 2 centuries ago, but who is listening?

Anyway the Pele Yoetz also advises wives:

• "You should be sensitive to your husband’s honor whether he is a moral person or a sinner, whether praiseworthy or dishonorable, because he is to her as a decree from the King of the Universe. Hashem brings individuals together and matches them to each other."

"This is like a man whom the king desires to glorify and so appoints him as second to the king. The entire nation is obligated to act toward him with respect, even if he is a leper or a repulsive person."
​

• Your reward will increase when your performance of your marital mitzvot demonstrate that you act for the sake of your Creator.

I want to focus on this for a moment because so much marital advice today, whether from secular psychology or shalom bayis “experts” focus on pleasing the other spouse and bending over backward to their will (and especially for women to do so).

Many give this advice despite the fact that pleasing and appeasing behavior never changes abusive people. Also, because most people with personality disorders FEAR intimacy, giving them more love not only doesn’t help but can even trigger MORE abusive behavior, depending.

But the Pele Yoetz doesn’t advise respectful behavior to improve shalom bayit (although he says that explaining to the person using soft words can help, which he bases on a verse from Mishlei--but no promises).

As indicated above, he clearly states that the reason for good treatment, whether for husbands or wives, is for Hashem’s Sake and for the sake of your Olam Haba.

Why?

Because, as the Pele Yoetz states, the whole point of relationships is to facilitate spiritual goals.

Even with marriage, the Pele Yoetz encourages a wife to look behind the curtain of her husband (“whether praiseworthy or dishonorable”) because that marriage (like EVERYTHING else in life) is a decree from the King of the Universe.

You honor your husband because doing so honors HASHEM and his decree.

This is just like the idea propagated throughout Judaism (including the Pele Yoetz) that you should be among the insulted who do not return a hurt with a hurt, which is an ideal Judaism also upholds outside of marriage.

Why?

​Because the unpleasant incident or situation is from Hashem. Therefore, there is some benefit to it, like an atonement or middah-building exercise, or whatever.
​
Unlike modern-day shalom bayis advisers, the Pele Yoetz doesn’t focus on pleasing the husband nor does he start engage in exaggerated generalizations about men in an effort to blindside the wife into submission.

(Secular/non-Jewish therapist often do the same, including using their diagnosis of the husband suffering from a personality disorder or Aspergers or just needing unconditional love or whatever in order to manipulate the wife into co-dependence or submission.) 

In fact, he doesn’t mince words. He acknowledges that some husbands are “dishonorable” and that a husband can be “harsh in character and opinions, a lowly and disgusting man who shares no good--ish kasheh b’middotav u’v’de’otav, nivzeh v’chadal ishim, chasar kol tov.”

(Nor does he quantify such behavior with allusions to an unfortunate background or dysfunctional upbringing of the aforesaid “lowly and disgusting man.”)

He wants a wife to rise above her natural inclinations in the face of such behavior—just as he encourages EVERY person (including the husbands of dysfunctional wives) to respond to ALL insulting or dishonorable behavior with dignity.
​
(Meaning, his mussar isn’t just for wives or even just for marriage, but a general principle applicable to all interpersonal dealings.)

At the same time, the Pele Yoetz encourages a wife to wait for a more relaxed moment and then “rebuke” her husband in a soft, sweet way by saying things like:
“Why did you do this-and-such? What is my sin and what is my transgression that you got worked up against me and got angry at me when I’ve done nothing to harm you? Is this good in the Eyes of Hashem?—and other good things.”

(Note: The language suggested by the Pele Yoetz was originally for early 19th-Century Sefardi Bulgarians and may need to be adjusted for modern English-speakers. They are just suggestions, after all.)

He also recommends pleading sweetly with an abusive husband in a more conducive moment, but he’s clear that these are only recommendations. He makes no guarantees that such words will reap the desired effect if the behind-the-scenes Heavenly decrees indicate otherwise.
​

• A wife should pray for her husband.

 
Finally, he insists that:

• Wives must use iron strength to refrain from revealing their husbands' failings and misdeeds to anyone.

(Again, the Pele Yoetz obviously understands how challenging this is, else why would he advise utilizing such strength in the face of such a nisayon?)

At the same time, the Pele Yoetz obviously heard from suffering wives he’s clearly aware of abusive behavior.

For example, in the case of physical abuse and insensitive behavior in the bedroom, the Pele Yoetz extols as a very big mitzvah to help such a wife, whether by Jewish officials beating the husband into submission or by assisting her in obtaining a divorce if she wants. (Interestingly, he offers neither option to husbands suffering from difficult or evil wives.)

How does this connect to lashon hara?

The Pele Yoetz shows heavy insistence against bad-mouthing your husband in any way, yet if it’s l’toelet (like she needs outside official help to protect her from an especially abusive husband), then obviously she can say something. Otherwise, how would the Pele Yoetz have known what was going on in her home or that a woman needed such help?

But whether the husband’s behavior is severe or just annoying, it’s clear that a lot of what passes for acceptable conversation nowadays is actually completely forbidden.

​In actuality, no joking or kvetching about your husband is permissible, even when his behavior seems to justify complaint.

Finally, the Pele Yoetz advises an abused wife:

• "She should also pour out her soul before Hashem every single day and perhaps Hashem will have mercy on her and her prayers will bring forth fruits."

Again, this doesn't rule out divorce from such a person or asking for intervention.

As the Pele Yoetz agitates against husbands who "may their name be obliterated" are "biliya'al (depraved)" and "treat Jewish women like maidservants (shifchot)":

​"It is fitting for anyone who has the ability to chastise them [the abusive husbands] when possible. And if they have the ability to extract their wives from their hand when it's the desire of the wife--because a woman cannot dwell in the same place as a snake--it's a great mitzvah to save the oppressed from his oppressor."

I know, I know.

This is in direct contrast to what’s taught in shalom bayis shiurim, which teach that the obligation of sensitivity is upon the wife.

The husband gets a free pass because "he’s a man" and "men aren't smart enough" and "can’t understand these things"—or so they claim.

​This is why it is so important to turn to classic sources written by real tzaddikim and leave behind all the secular-influenced or Christian-influenced blather.

People who offer such advice come from despair; they’ve despaired of getting men to fulfill their halachic responsibilities—just like feminists have despaired of men.

​So instead, they dump everything onto the wife. And looking at marriage and children today, it obviously isn’t helping. But their despair doesn’t let them think with an expanded mind.

Thank God we have our Sages to open our minds to the truth!
 
Anyway, the Pele Yoetz insists even if a wife:

• intentionally burns his food
• engages in certain transgressions (like lashon hara, anger, cursing, taking Hashem’s Name in vain, “similar things mentioned in Nashim and Nezikin”)
• violates his will
• is generally bad and difficult
• lacks intelligence
• spends too much money
• angers him to his face
• and so on,

--nonetheless, a husband should never:

• become angry with his wife
• shame her
• curse her
• strike her

Furthermore, the Pele Yoetz insists that a husband:

• Always speak to his wife pleasantly
• Use soft speech at all times with his wife (including when he's trying to convince her to correct her bad behavior)

Why?

A husband must bear the yoke and be among the insulted who do not insult and accept upon yourself the Judgment of Heaven with joy "because a woman is sent to man from God."

Again, the Pele Yoetz avoids being superficial about things.

He clearly realizes that some people are just plain bad apples, yet because these people are challenges sent by Hashem, we are supposed to rise to the occasion.

He cautions husbands several times that hating a bad or difficult wife can lead to producing a ben sorer u’moreh—the son of a hated wife, as mentioned in the Torah.

• He exhorts men to genuinely love such wives to avoid producing rebellious children of bad nature.

To my mind, this a very high demand in light of the terrible middot mentioned above.

How can a man love the kind of sinful, vindictive wife mentioned above?

Again, the Pele Yoetz bases his advice on achieving the best Afterlife possible. The awful spouse is merely the conduit to achieve a blissful eternity:

• “The fence to avoid quarreling in his home is to avoid being so exacting with each and every cent of household expenses.”

​

• “He shall increase the honor of his home, each thing in its time, and appease his wife, because blessing only rests within his home for the sake of his wife.”

 
Though sympathetic to the challenges of a dysfunctional spouse (and even supports divorce for an abused woman), the Pele Yoetz reassures both suffering wives and suffering husbands that if they can maintain their own good middot (including refraining from lashon hara), then their Heavenly Reward will be tremendous.

Note: He provides a more advice & obligations for both husbands and wives than listed here.

​The Pele Yoetz insists that a daughter-in-law should:

• Be quick & careful to honor her husband’s parents (“as a king and queen”) even more than she honors her husband even if their “yoke” is heavy upon her and even if her parents-in-law are bothersome and possess bad character (“as is common among the elderly”).

Please note that the Pele Yoetz doesn’t say “even if she THINKS they are bothersome and have bad character,” but that they ARE bothersome and DO have bad character. Once again, he acknowledges that some people are indeed bad apples and doesn't dismiss the daughter-in-law's perception as mere tension common in that relationship.

• She should strive to understand what they like and aim to please them.

 

• At the same time, he recommends that if parents-in-law and children-in-law really can’t manage civility, they should not be together.

Again, the Pele Yoetz doesn’t get all sentimental about it all.

The reason for the above is because the merit of the parents aids the children. Meaning that performing the above actually helps the daughter-in-law. In a sense, she’s doing it for herself and her own children.

He reassures both children and children-in-law that in regard to honoring parents and parents-in-law, “one who honors others will be respected and his reward will be greatly increased and l’fum tzaara agrah”—one’s reward comes according to one’s exertion.

Interestingly, the Pele Yoetz states that:

• The son-in-law is obligated to honor his wife’s parents.
• The obligation for a son-in-law to honor his wife's parents is possibly even greater than the obligation to honor his own parents because due to his wife’s parents, he merits to be saved from sin and establish his lineage (presumably due to having married the daughter they produced).
• He must not be ungrateful to them.
• He must act as a son to them.

 
Regarding adult children and their own parents, the Pele Yoetz recommends:

• Avoid financial dependence on parents whom it is difficult to honor.

• “If it happens that the wife of the son is a bad and difficult woman--ishah ra’ah kashat ruach,” it is your responsibility to “bear her yoke and guide her with pleasantness and not to impose your burden upon her.”

(Again, the Pele Yoetz doesn’t say that you merely THINK your daughter-in-law is a bad and difficult woman—she actually IS genuinely horrible. Nonetheless…)

• And if she behaves inappropriately, you should let her know (nicely) in private and not expose her awfulness (navlut) to others.

 

• You should only praise her and treat her respectfully before others.

 

• All the more so, you should not expose her awfulness to her husband (your son) so that resentment not enter his heart and he shall not come to hate her.

 

• “Woe to them, the father and mother who cause this [their son’s hatred toward his wife]! For behold the Holy Name written in holiness, the Holy One Blessed Be He commanded to erase it in water to place peace between a man and his wife (Shabbat 116a)."

​

• "And it is better for a father and mother to suffer a thousand evils and not facilitate controversy (machloket) between a man and his wife.” 

 

• “Therefore, the father and mother need great intelligence to behave with good behavior with the sons and the daughters-in-law in order for their marriage to go forth nicely in peace and straightness.”

 

• “And even if there are some displeasures or grudges, they [the parents] should be very careful not to let these things be known or seen by outsiders because it is a foolishness and a shame for both sides and causes lashon hara and gives them a bad reputation.”

He advises that in situations in which parents-in-law and children-in-law cannot behave peacefully and properly with each other, then:

• The good and just--hatov v’hayashar” thing to do is avoid sitting together because “this separation is pleasant for them; it is their life--zo hee chayahem.”

Finally, the Pele Yoetz also speaks against discussing your children negatively with others.

The Ben Ish Chai in Laws for Women goes as far as saying that a mother who complains to the father about the children is actually endangering them because if justified, her complaints against them can cause them to be punished from Shamayim.

​He doesn’t condemn a beneficial discussion of how best to handle Junior’s difficult behavior, but he’s referring to the litany of teinos some parents pour forth toward their spouse.

​Much of the above advice is anathema to Western mores. With the modern emphasis on standing up for yourself and your rights, being “honest” and “real” about everything, “being yourself,” and much more, the Pele Yoetz’s advice seems backwards and constraining.
 
Yet over the years, I cannot deny that all the people who publicize the faults of their spouses or in-laws (children or parents) receive no good from this and don’t even experience real relief.

It’s hard for me to say this, but this includes those who really suffer (as the Pele Yoetz acknowledged above) and whose complaints leak out due to their immense pain.

I’m really sympathetic to those whose pain leaks out because living with a horrible spouse infects your very being and every aspect of life.
 
Particularly for women, who are likened to the Moon which receives light from the Sun (i.e. her husband), a woman whose husband maltreats or neglects her genuinely feels like a cold dead rock suspended in a dark airless Universe.

A woman in such a situation will find it very difficult to keep it all in and only pour out her heart to Hashem (as the Pele Yoetz encourages her to do) but not to other people (unless there’s a toelet, like to get divorced, as the Pele Yoetz notes).

One woman I knew married to an emotionally abusive man even became suicidal at one point—despite frequently leaking out her pain and resentment to others, despite therapy and despite consultation with rabbis. All the outpourings and/or comments never helped. 
​
Whether it’s via humorous jabs or sad comments or even tearful admissions, I’ve seen that it really doesn’t help and any relief is only temporary. (Though relief isn’t guaranteed because sometimes the listener responds in a way the speaker finds hurtful.)

Like I've said before, my initial heart's reaction is to listen and empathize with the other. But I can't help seeing that all the intended support and empathy doesn't seem to offer more than temporary relief. However, when there has been something practical that I could do, then things ended up better.

So there's a difference between pouring your heart out when it can't help you (but maybe it feels like it helps you) and pouring your heart out when it can.

I'm not demonizing anyone for doing it -- believe me, I understand what emotional pain is like -- I'm just saying there is a way to do it that's beneficial and a way that is not.

​Well, not me saying it, but the Pele Yoetz.

I'll be following up this last bit in another post.

Here are some posts from the frum blogosphere worth delving into:

A Sichah From Reb Levi Yitzchok Bender, zatzal
I keep referencing Rav Levi Yitzchok Bender on this blog. Finally, here is a direct translation of one of his talks. It's truly inspiring and he empathetically addresses those times when you feel "dry" about your connection to Hashem and your avodah. 

Full of fiery encouragement, a tzaddik's unwavering confidence in your ability to make it (spiritually speaking), and understanding, this talk shows different angles to the idea of "keep on going" even when things feel "dry" or meaningless.

How to Deal with Obnoxious People by Y.Y. Jacobson
(H/T Shirat Devorah)
This is one of the most helpful articles I've ever read on this topic. Why? Because many people like to take quotes from tzaddikim and then use them in a very superficial (and therefore harmful) manner -- especially the idea that seeing a flaw in others indicates a the same flaw in you. 

The idea that seeing a flaw in others indicates a flaw in you has been used in such a superficial bibbity-bobbity-boo manner, more as a slap-in-the-face "Shut up" mechanism (usually accompanied by a superior knowing smile).

Being whomped in the eye by another's bad middot COULD mean that you are as bad as they or even that you're worse.

But not necessarily.

As explained in the article, seeing someone exhibit, for example, extreme cruelty does NOT automatically mean you indulge in extreme cruelty too!

Judaism contains much more profundity and complexity than that. When people start using the words of tzaddikim as battering ram-platitudes, it's a sign that you need to take a deeper look into the tzaddik's words and figure out what he REALLY meant.

Remember, tzaddikim always speak from a place of caring and compassion. 

If you're not feeling inspired by their words -- or even worse, if you're feeling battered or crushed by their words, then it's time to push their "mouthpiece" aside and delve into what the tzaddikim REALLY meant.

Mishkoltz Rebbe Shlit"a: Geula This Year - If...
Very important words of chizuk and direction. Especially important to read the comment section for further elucidation.

Solid Change Takes Time
Dr. Zev Ballen takes on the issue of a person stopping medication as they're working on emuna, then expands the lesson within to cover all spiritual processes. It's an important read because even though Rav Shalom Arush is generally against medication, everything really is from Hashem and a person stopping her medication before she's ready can cause harm, both to herself and others. (In other words, maybe Hashem doesn't want her to stop her medication yet. And who knows why?)

As someone who is against long-term medication (short-term medication can be okay in some situations) to treat mental illness, this article is an important reminder against being too superficial & indulging in black-and-white thinking. Each person's situation needs to be looked at individually, and not according to one's agendas or while one's mind is in superficial "snap-solution" mode.  

Then & Now
I've discovered a tremendous amount of good sense on the blog, My Perspective. Very well-written and concise, it's a hidden gem in the Jewish blogosphere.

The best advice I've gotten has also been from fellow mothers and caring friends. Note that in the 3rd example, the correct advice was not just given by an experienced mother, but by a woman who knew the child well. This is what's missing in most situations of "official capacity" with either therapists or yoetzim (advisers) and exactly what is very hard -- yet so essential -- to have in order to offer the best advice.

Empathy and a real desire to both hear and see the other person (including that person's positive potential) are also essential and can easily be missing in "official capacity."

If you go to the post Mishkoltz Rebbe Shlit"a: Geula This Year - If... and also read the comments, you'll see a clarifying discussion of the Rebbe's valuable directive.

The Mishkoltz Rebbe apparently claimed that we will merit Mashiach this year if we strengthen ourselves in the following 3 ways:

1. Emuna in the Creator of the World
2. Torah
3. Achdut (Unity) within Am Yisrael

I admit that I also automatically interpreted this in mind as doing teshuvah until my extrapolation (an extrapolation which another reader apparently also made & fortunately mentioned) was clarified in the comments.

And I think it's important to note that crucial difference.

The Rebbe apparently said l'hitchazek (to strengthen) ourselves in those 3 areas.

​He didn't say to do teshuvah (even though, yes, strengthening these areas is definitely an aspect of teshuvah).

He didn't say to become perfect.

He didn't say to conquer even one bad middah.

He didn't even say to perfect yourself in "just" those 3 areas (or in even 1 of them).

He said l'hitchazek.

Wherever you are, whatever level you're holding on: l'hitchazek.

Bulk it up.

In other words: Go 1 babystep beyond your current level or comfort zone.

Emuna means more than faith; it means knowing that Hashem Himself really is behind every single thing and He has only your best interests in mind.

L'hitchazek in emuna can mean saying "Gam zu l'tovah" or "Thank you" (even through gritted teeth or tears), or "Hashem, I understand that my suffering is seemingly very bad. I even feel tremendous pain. My tribulations seem unbearable, but I believe they're all for the best despite the fact that I don't see how..."

It can mean talking to Hashem more, going over your day (or even just the past hour) and discussing with Him what happened and what you think  or how you feel about it.

It can mean staying silent in the face of an insult and mentally requesting something you really want from Hashem instead of answering back.

Force yourself to smile (at Hashem), even when things are going wrong and even when the smile feels more like a grimace, all awkward and tight.

It can mean a whole lot of things.

​L'hitchazek means you don't need to be completely victorious, just up your game a bit.

This can mean so much, it's hard to know where to start. 

You can learn more Torah. You can learn your same Torah, but with more enthusiasm or satisfaction. You can work on internalizing what you learned; how can you apply it practically within the next hour?

You can learn more mussar -- even one line a day from a classic sefer like Mesilat Yesharim or Chassidus or Orchot Tzaddikim or Pele Yoetz.

You can learn more halacha, even just 1 a day.

​You can look into the commentaries for a deeper understanding of your favorite Tehillim or a particularly interesting part of Tanach.

What strengthens unity among Jews?

Giving tzedakah. (Chabad has a lovely custom of saying, "Hareini mekabel/mekabelet alei mitzvat asei 'V'ahavta l're'echa k'mocha' -- Behold, I now accept upon myself fulfillment of the positive mitzvah 'And you shall love to your fellow as yourself'.")

Visiting the sick (can include making a meal or even just a salad).

​Babysitting.

Hospitality.

Giving the benefit of the doubt.

Davening for someone.

Finding some positive quality within even a truly repellent person (not to justify or excuse their awfulness, but just to note that the good point exists).

Forgiving someone.

Accepting an apology.

Greeting others (of your own gender).

Doing a favor.

Resisting the urge to speak any kind of lashon hara (even if it's true), imagining that the person is your twin sister or brother, or your child. How would you feel about them then?

Again, the list could go on. A lot depends on your personality, individual situation and resources, including your challenges and your areas of strength.

The above are things that even a relatively secular person could do (or be pleasantly encouraged to do) because it's about strengthening, not achieving an entire spiritual makeover (although if one could manage it, that would be really good too).

May we all merit l'hitchazek in emuna, Torah, and achdut this year.

I just read a very useful article on talking to God.
 
He explains that by talking through your entire day with Hashem, you can rectify that day.
 
Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender also mentions this in Words of Faith.
 
The idea is that you should sit down and start talking to Hashem as if He is your Most Caring & Intimate Friend, who is Totally Trustworthy and Forever Forgiving.
 
In other words, the Unlimited Infinite Wholly-Omnipotent Master of the Universe is your personal BFF.
 
And then you speak about everything that passed over you during the day and everything you did—like a chatty report of your day.
 
This really chirked me up because as I’ve said before, I was always a dreamy type. Not ADD because I can focus well-enough, but sometimes what’s going on in my head can be more compelling than what’s going on around me, even if it’s something I’m actively doing myself.
 
Because I read Rav Arush's article at late morning, I felt it would be doable to start with the moment I woke up this morning. It seemed I could avoid getting distracted in the middle because we are only talking about a few hours, not 24 hours.
 
So I started with how my husband woke me up nicely and even though I was initially extremely sleepy due to having gone to bed way too late the night before, I still managed to get up at my husband’s first mumble and a minute later, I really felt fine and not sleep-deprived at all.
 
Yet I fully realized that this was nothing for which I could take credit because it is irrational to think that not only can I get up after such little sleep, but also feel perfectly fine a minute after doing so (especially since I haven’t gotten much sleep over the past few weeks AND a child already woke me up for a moment even earlier this morning)—and manage this all on my own koach.
 
Absurd, right?
 
So once again, it was “Thanks, Hashem! Very Nice & Generous of You—especially since it was my own fault that I went to bed so late in the first place!”

See? Very Forgiving is He.
 
And so it continued. I found things I did wrong (even though I’d only been awake for 5 hours so far), got some great insight into something I thought was innocent or neutral but was actually inconsiderate to Hashem, and also saw that anything good I seemed to have accomplished was yet another manifestation of Hashem’s Kindness to me because it involved accomplishments that I’m not capable of on my own (like not overeating, not obsessing over something worrisome, etc.).
 
So it was some nice fault-finding, slate-cleansing…and most importantly, feeling The Love.
 
I think this is a good way to start small if you tend to get distracted, overwhelmed, bored, or bogged down with the whole talking-to-God-in-your-own-words thing.  
 
Please read Rav Arush’s article for more inspiration and a tip for when you’re truly tongue-tied:
A Prayer-Insurance Policy

And also, please read a previous post which is sort of Part I to this post:
The #1 Thing You Can Do to Cancel Negative Decrees

Well, I hope this works for you (if you hadn't been doing it already) and I hope it continues to work for me too because God knows I really need it.

​Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender lived as a humble tzaddik in the Ukraine despite targeted Communist persecution. Because of their dedication to mitzvah observance, he and Rav Eliyahu Chaim Rosen even spent several weeks in a KGB prison, not knowing until the moment of release whether they would be murdered and discarded in an unknown grave.
 
In the book of his lectures, Words of Faith, Rav Bender stresses the importance of knowing that your prayers and words of Torah are of tremendous significance to Hashem.
 
ANY mitzvah or holy act is significant in the eyes of God.
 
On page 325, Vol I, Rav Bender exhorts you to have faith in yourself, explaining that you must say to yourself and to your yetzer hara:

​He defines this as “ ‘faith in oneself,’ which is imperative to advance in serving Hashem…”

​Rav Bender explains the power of speaking to Hashem in your own words in a focused manner:

So according to Rav Bender, you need to:

• ​Have faith in yourself & the power of your prayers.
• Know that your heartfelt words and good deeds (however imperfect they may be) are of tremendous significance.
• Clear your mind of other distractions.
• Focus your heart & mind toward Hashem.
• Speak to Hashem as you'd speak to a close & genuinely caring friend.​

Sometimes, it seems like it’s too hard to fulfill mitzvot like giving the benefit of the doubt or judging others favorably or finding the merits in others.
 
And these have gotten an undeserved reputation for difficulty, mostly because of an overly idealistic presentation.

So the truth is that:

• Digging out a merit in another person does not excuse their abusive behavior.
• Judging another person favorably does not whitewash forbidden behavior.
• Giving the benefit of the doubt is actually forbidden when you know the person is an intentional unrepentant sinner. Assuming the best of intentions regarding a person who has repeatedly proven him or herself to be manipulative, exploitative, or sadistic actually causes harm to yourself and others (because your rosy disassociated state prevents you from protecting yourself and others from that person’s harm).

You still need to find some kind of good point in them, but you don’t need to expect them to behave ethically when they’ve proven they neither know nor care to do so.

In fact, the exhortation against chanifah prohibits us from labeling a Torah-prohibited behavior as good when it’s actually bad.
​
Acting like it’s okay or excusable to wreak havoc on a person’s family or community simply because that person endured a difficult upbringing (or whatever) is wrong.
 
But saying, “This person is probably a good person at heart, but they apparently didn’t manage to rise to the challenge of a difficult upbringing. Their behavior feels right to them, even though it’s wrong. They don’t mean to be horrible. They either aren’t thinking or if they are thinking, they’re thinking wrongly. If they somehow knew better, they'd be better.”
 
That’s judging the person favorably.

​They’re not innately evil—maybe they were even born good! Maybe Hashem even gifted them with many good points that aren’t yet actualized. They don’t mean to be horrible, they either aren’t thinking or they’re thinking down the wrong path, so to speak.
 
That’s a favorable judgment that can safely be used even in extreme situations.

A REAL merit, not just lip service or an act of sarcasm or flippance.
 
Finding a good quality in another can ignite a person to do teshuvah without either you or them knowing it.
 
The good within us co-exists with the bad.

​The bad is like a thick ugly klippah-peel weighing down upon our gem-like qualities.

​Our diamonds are trapped within a klippah-shell of toughened muck.

For example, I knew a woman who is very bitter and resentful toward Hashem.

She constantly complains and harps over every bad thing that has ever happened to her.

Even with a positive scenario, she picks it apart to scrape out whatever negatives can be found. She dominates every conversation with her gloom.
 
And because she is so miserable and self-absorbed, she sometimes insults people without realizing it. This only adds to her “the world is a heartless place” conviction as the offended person responds with anger and she can’t understand why the insulted person is being so "mean" to her.
 
And it’s true that she has endured some real challenges in life, challenges that would bring anyone down. Yet those challenges don’t condemn her to a life of gloom.

(In fact, based on things she has said and what mussar books say, I think at least 2 of her big challenges result from her insistence on seeing the worst of everything, calling Hashem names during hitbodedut, and acting like any expression of gratitude is beyond her. But obviously, I can’t know for sure.)
 
For whatever the reason, she made a series of choices that resulted in becoming the kind of person she became.
 
And yet…
 
I definitely see a wonderful person underneath a lot of klippah:

• She cares about people she perceives as suffering and invests tremendous effort and inconvenience to help them.
• She’s empathetic toward babies and small children.
• She’s devoted to her husband and I’m both impressed and admittedly mystified by their high level of shalom bayit.
• When people are consistently kind to her (regardless of her gloom, self-centeredness, and unintentional insults), she genuinely appreciates them and she openly expresses her appreciation and gratitude for their kindness toward her.
• She desperately wishes the world were a kinder and healthier place, and in her own bumbling blinded way, she does what she can to make it that way.

And that's not even all her positive qualities.
 
Fortunately, I don’t see her often, but when I do see her, I try my best to treat her with respect and relate to her according to her good points. It takes strenuous effort on my part to avoid getting dragged down by her gloom and misery, but it’s very worth it because underneath all the klippah, she really is a very good person who has suffered a lot, and I don’t want to hurt her further.

​Baruch Hashem, several other people also insist on treating her with respect and compassion, and they daven for her.
 
And indeed, over the past couple of years, I think she has become “lighter.” 

Western society tells us that unless we point out the negative, we’re not being “honest.”

In modern Edom, honesty is defined by whether you see negativity.
 
Judaism says exactly the opposite:
​You’re not being honest unless you notice the positive.
 
Judaism doesn’t consider you as seeing the whole picture unless you can see the positive aspects too (even there’s only one).
 
Yet fear (or perhaps a need to feel good) leads some Jews to understand this mitzvah superficially and they believe that if you see any negativity, then you’re remiss. They also wrongly feel that suffering excuses, justifies, or whitewashes halachically forbidden behavior.

(In all the stories of tzaddikim, I've never seen that giving the benefit of the doubt is ever used to "okay" behavior that is halachically forbidden and/or just plain bad middot. Even Rav Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev didn't justify or whitewash forbidden behavior, he tried to find a merit or a positive intention on the part of the errant one.)
 
So I don’t consider myself a Pollyanna or a fake or a moron for believing  the woman above possesses some very great qualities.

​At the same time, I also don’t consider myself an unspiritual or sinful or negative person for not only noticing that she suffers from some deeply problematic traits and beliefs, but for also realizing that her challenges don't need to define her in this way.

Her negativity, misery, ingratitude, and sometimes offensive behavior are not okay, despite her suffering.

But she's not innately horrible either. Underneath it all, she's very good.

​She's both.

​People aren’t either coal black or pristine white—they possess both.
 
And we can see both.
 
We shouldn’t be afraid to see both.
 
And if you can see the pristine light within another person, then that alone can spark them to do teshuvah.
 
You can see both & you can believe in their ability to change for the better.
 
And you can see both in yourself & believe in your own ability to change for the better too.

Rav Shalom Arush’s Garden of Gratitude fleshes out everything you need to know about the importance of gratitude, including how & why it works.

It’s a genuinely inspiring book, yet its impact is so powerful, I recommend reading Garden of Emuna first.

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel that had I read Garden of Gratitude before reading Garden of Emuna, it would’ve hit me too hard and I just wouldn’t have been able to absorb it properly.
​
Then there is the easily digestible Garden of Miracles: Say Thank You & See Salvation.

​There, you’ll find letters and testimonies from around the world of people of different religious backgrounds, ethnicities, and nationalities who read Garden of Emuna, started expressing gratitude to Hashem, and discovered an expanded mind and heart, plus an improved life. Some of the stories are quite amazing.

At first glance, it doesn’t seem logical that simply saying “Thank You, Hashem, for this and thank You, Hashem, for that” can not only reap miracles, but also effect self-transformation.

In fact, gratitude seems almost like a sneaky short-cut around doing real get-your-hands-dirty self-scrutiny and cheshbon hanefesh.

But looking at a mussar classic from nearly a thousand years ago, we find the Chovot Halevavot/Duties of the Heart details a 30-part cheshbon hanefesh that consists primarily of meditating on all the nice things Hashem has done for you.

(Seriously. Take a look at Shaar Cheshbon Hanefesh/Gate of Spiritual Accounting.)

For example, if you look at Cheshbon #2 in Chapter 3, it basically asks you to sit there and happily ruminate over all the body parts you enjoy and their functionality. (Do you have a tongue? Does it work? Great! How about your saliva production? Not too much, else you’d be drooling & not too little, else how would you ever swallow cinnamon-buttered toast?)
​
Chesbon #2 also references the symmetry of the human body.

For example, your elbows aren’t where your knees are and vice-versa. Your feet don’t extend from your shoulder joints and you don’t have hands where your feet should be.

In a world where each person endured the nisayon of randomly applied limbs, getting out of bed would be a major challenge. Meeting the most basic needs would consume our entire day every day. How would we ever progress beyond the most primitive tasks? Performing surgery or even “just” CPR would be impossible, as would any task that makes life more comfortable and convenient or produces great accomplishments.
​
Our intellect would suffer too because such a challenging life would leave us no time for intellectual pursuits or learning Torah. (How could we even scribe a Torah scroll or record chiddushim with an asymmetrical body?) 

Okay, so what does all this grateful ruminating do for us?

When you know that everything really comes from Hashem and is good, that’s emuna and bitachon.

A grateful person is truly happy. Meaning, not hyper or frivolous, but content and feeling loved by the Creator.

A grateful person maintains constant connection to Hashem because in everything that happens, such a person immediately turns to Hashem, whether with praise or with a plea for help.

One who is grateful to Hashem doesn’t get depressed or detached. Such a person does not slip into sin. Feeling happy and fulfilled by his or her intimate relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu, what need does such a person have for taavot like food, drugs, illicit relationships, or violence?

Feeling happy and loved by Hashem, what urge does such a person have for revenge, hurting others, anger, depression, mockery, or wasting time?

Furthermore, such a person will naturally regret former forbidden behaviors because their state of gratitude and contentment is so compelling and fulfilling.

So such a person naturally regrets former forbidden actions and naturally wants to be good.

Furthermore, it’s easier for such a person to remedy and attempt to rectify past misdeeds.

Enveloped in bitachon (the certainty that everything that happens is good even if it’s not enjoyable), they know they have nothing to fear from admitting their mistakes, even if the other person is unforgiving and harsh. Since all money is from Hashem, they find it easier to pay back what they owe and make expensive amends.

One who truly believes that EVERYTHING is from Hashem holds no arrogance or pride. They just feel lucky and loved that Hashem gifted them whatever strong points or good fortune they enjoy.
​
Needless to say, I’m not on that level—but I sure would like to be!

So that’s an overview of how gratitude works.

Our very name--Yehudi—comes from the word hoda’ah, l’hodot: to thank.

Upon Yehudah's birth, Leah Imeinu said, “ ‘Hapa’am odeh et Hashem—This time, I shall thank Hashem’ and she called his name Yehudah.”

Yehudah is the progenitor of Mashiach.

Leah, with all her suffering and loneliness, managed to wholeheartedly thank Hashem and thus merit the spark of Mashiach.

So gratitude to Hashem ignites the spark of Mashiach.

It’s there inside of us.

There might be a lot of darkness and muck to scrape through to get to it.

But it’s definitely there.
​
May we all merit basking in a state of continuous gratitude.

I just got an interesting quote in my Inbox [emphasis mine]:

​This issue is what has come up on this blog several times.

Conventional "solutions" touted throughout society as "the best" or "the only" solution to problems either don't help, don't help as much as needed, or even harm.

Despite the positive smiley encouraging presentation, such promotion of band-aid methods ultimately leads to despair.

Hashem loves you with a Love that you can't even imagine feeling yourself, no matter how much or how deeply you have ever loved another person. He is the Only One Who truly has your best interests and Who truly cares about you.

​And He is the True Healer of all ills.

English-speaking frum media with the noblest of intentions continuously pushes secular solutions to problems, whether it’s therapy, medication, yoga, or anything else solidly recommended in secular society.

As I’ve said before, I think therapy can be helpful depending and I’m not necessarily against psychiatric medication used for very specific reasons for a very limited amount of time. (And according to my reading, yoga isn’t ever kosher even when it’s advertised as “kashered,” so that’s out.)

But even helpful therapy doesn’t usually solve the problem at its core. And its helpfulness depends so much on the chemistry between the therapist and client, how spiritually healthy and emuna-filled the therapist is, how much the therapist actually likes the client and sees the client's God-given potential, plus how much the therapist can help the client develop emuna and carry out a real cheshbon hanefesh...and much more.

Yet the most compassionate, caring, responsible response with which people are constantly bombarded is to encourage a suffering loved one is to "get professional help."

​Psychiatry keeps insisting that psychiatric medications are the only way to treat mental illness despite both anecdotal evidence and a leading psychiatrist’s claims and research evidence that medication actually makes people worse in the long run, not better.

Yes, that’s right.

At the end of a lifetime of official, professional, “responsible” psychiatric treatment, the patient will not even be back to their original starting point of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder or whatever. They’ll be worse.

So how is that "treating" the illness?

As stated before, I don’t see a problem with temporary treatment. I can only imagine what a psychotic episode is like, and maybe someone needs a medicinal “kick” to get them out of a dark tortuous place and into a place where they can ponder their situation, its roots, and how to proceed.

But most (if not all) of what secular society recommends as "treatment" or "responsible" doesn't ultimately heal the problem.

I used to think therapy was the answer for all emotional ills.

Then I tried therapy. I tried it several short-term times with different therapists over the years for different reasons. Most were either not helpful at all or somewhat helpful, and a couple (the frum female ones) were pretty helpful—yet could not provide me with complete direction. (That needs to come in a quiet place from private discussions with Hashem.)

I also couldn't help noticing that others who'd undergone therapy still suffered from poor morality and psychological issues.

I also believed with all my heart that if I would cleave to a rabbinical-approved chinuch method (as taught by the rabbinically approved rebbetzin) and jump through every hoop insisted (no matter how high or how narrow), then I would succeed in turning out ideal frum children, which was my dearest dream.

(Note: To my knowledge, these authorizing rabbis don't hear the nitty-gritty details of the shitahs presented nor do they hear the stories told for emphasis. The authorizing rabbis go by a basic run-down of the shitah—which will always be presented in a Torah-based way because that's what the person truly believes he or she is doing--and the authorizing rabbis go by the integrity and middot of the person promoting the shitah. But just because the person knows how to deal with her own children or students doesn't mean that she knows how to deal with other people's children or even with other people who are very different than her.)

The books that helped me break away from the chinuch loop were (in the order I discovered them):

• Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery by Riso & Hudson (helped me realize that much chinuch advice either does nothing or is the opposite of what a Type 8 child needs and can even worsen that child’s behavior)
• The Case Against Adolescence: Rediscovering the Adult in Every Teen by Dr. Robert Epstein (validated a lot of my own against-the-stream observations since high school and proved that most “adolescent” behavior is actually culturally induced rather than the much-touted "teen brain"; also one of the only secular books of this type that not only doesn’t put down Judaism, Torah, etc, but even admires authentic Judaism)
• Garden of Education by Rav Shalom Arush (this made me throw out every other chinuch book; it was all I needed)
• Yeladim Mutzlachim by Rav Shalom Arush (its collection of prayers for chinuch is invaluable; and using historical examples of Gedolei Hador from all groups, it proves the importance of prayer and spiritual inner work for raising children)

And needless to say, both my children and I are still works in progress. None of us are perfect and we never will be. And because I'm far from tzidkus, I struggle with implementing the authentic Jewish mussar as I should. Yet at least I'm bumbling up the right path; I wasn't before.

Being human, all therapists run into their own limitations at some point. Their blind spots (which every human possesses) will eventually block you, their client.

Furthermore, when I was in the chinuch loop, I discovered that many chinuch advisors don’t really possess the spiritual foundation and expanded mind to truly help parents raise their children.

For example:

• For complex reasons (some unfathomable in our 3-dimentional world), Hashem placed specific children with specific parents for everyone’s benefit, pre-determining struggles and conflicts (along with harmony and suitability) beforehand.
• Because they are only human, chinuch advisors can make some accurate observations based on their experience, but they will always miss other things simply because they are human and cannot see everything that Hashem sees. (And sometimes, what they miss is exactly what the parent needs to know for that child.)
• Hashem gifted each parent with the wisdom & insight to raise each child; therefore, a chinuch advisor’s job is to draw out that wisdom and insight, not to impose the chinuch advisor’s “solutions” onto the parents. However, this is much more complex and demands much more emotional and mental stamina than imposing shitahs.
• Switching methods can lead to temporary relief, but using the child’s undesirable behavior as a springboard for a parent’s cheshbon hanefesh and consequent teshuvah is a million times more likely to lead to improvement in the child’s behavior ON ITS OWN. (Although nothing is guaranteed because we don't know Hashem's Plan for us.)
• Children’s aberrant behavior is more likely a reflection of the parents’ middot on some level, and less likely a reflection of specific methods used.

 
As just one example of the last point:
A bullying child is most likely a reflection of a parent’s bullying tendency, even if this tendency is nearly unperceivable and not consciously or practically witnessed by either the child or the parent. (Meaning, maybe the parent is unconsciously and subtly bullying an adult sibling, but the bullying isn't expressed anywhere else or at anyone else—yes, the message can be that subtle.)

​This COULD also mean that the child experiences bullying by a parent, but it doesn’t HAVE to mean that.

Having said all that, the majority of chinuch advisors definitely deserve an A+ for good intentions.

They stretch to the limits their patience and energy to help desperate & struggling (or arrogant & obstinate) parents and their children. But they can also accidentally harm as much as they help. (Or even harm more than they help, depending.)

Why?

Because chinuch methods aren't generally based on Torah hashkafah. Some methods can be adapted to Torah hashkafah, but the goals set in Mishlei and mussar sefarim aren't necessarily the goals of the chinuch class.

​(The main goal for your child, BTW, is for them to fulfill their soul-potential and get them into the best Olam Haba possible, may everyone live in good health until 120.)

The majority of chinuch advisors unknowingly hold views based on 1 of the following:

• Post-Sixties methods created (and continuously re-adjusted) by anti-Torah Liberals and Leftists with either secular Leftist or Far Eastern "spiritual" agendas
• Pre-Sixties methods created by secular sick anti-Torah elitists and eugenicists
• People with ulterior agendas posited as “good for the child!” but were originally a stab at temporarily improving the economy or lowering employment or whatever. 

​Regarding therapy, I couldn’t help seeing that therapy often made people feel better, but not act better. For example, one secular person I knew went to a top-rated secular psychologist when she felt suicidal. He managed to cure of her desire to kill herself, yet not her penchant for pritzadik behavior (including an affair with a married man), nasty acts of revenge, and so on. But yes, she did feel much better about herself.

(And that doesn't even begin to cover the people who felt worse after therapy.)

That’s just one example. There are a lot more.

Likewise, I’ve noticed so many people jump from therapist to therapist and from method to method. While therapists defend therapy by saying it can only help those who want to be helped and are willing to do the inner work—and this is true—because this is true, people are better off just doing it with Hashem.

Hashem truly loves us and knows everything about us. In fact, any bad middot you discover were planted there BY HASHEM in the first place, so rather than blaming yourself, you can just flip it back to Hashem and say, “YUCK. I don’t want this! Ugh, what an absolutely awful middah. Take it back—please, take it back!”

​(Don’t worry. He loves it when you do this. That’s the whole point of your existence and why He put you here in the first place. World of Tikkun!)

So what is the point of this post?

The point is that we are inundated from all sides by advice to use secular (or secular-based with a frum twist) treatment for our emotional, psychological, mental, and relationship problems. And in the frum media, they promote this based on secular research (with the best of intentions; they genuinely want to help).

Yet that same secular research is itself coming out and saying:
​“THIS ULTIMATELY DOES NOT WORK.”

So who are you going to listen to?

The “I’M the ultimate solution—right over here!” and “THIS ULTIMATELY DOES NOT WORK” are both coming from the same source (secular science and research).
​
So who are you going to listen to?

​Or, rather Who are you going to listen to?

Related Posts
By Dr. Zev Ballen:
The True Doctor of the Soul
The Therapeutic Wasteland
The Origins of Emuna Coaching
Do You NLP? (please make sure to read Chaim's valuable comments at the end)
______
Anti-Depressant Use Leads to Worse Long-Term Outcomes
Does Long-Term Use of Psychiatric Drugs Cause More Harm Than Good?
Psychiatrist Says: More Psychiatry Means More Shootings
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Myrtle Rising Chinuch Posts
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For Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender's advice on beneficial listening and how a true friend should behave, please search through Posts on Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender.
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What is the World of Tikkun?

One of the major struggles I’ve had since becoming frum is resisting the cultural pull toward “eat, drink, be merry.” (Not so literally—I was never a party lush—but the cultural implication of the phrase.)

The eternal search for leisure time and activities, the perking up at distractions, the ever increasing opportunities for instant gratification in any area…

Funnily, I became frum partly BECAUSE I rejected a life void of meaning.

And I’m still frum because I really believe in this.

I know this is what Hashem wants.

But I can’t deny the double–whammy of both my cultural indoctrination and certain aspects of my personality.

​Not everyone suffers from this issue because they have other issues. But this is definitely mine and it’s an issue for a lot of people.

Recently, I listened to a 2012 shiur. And Rebbetzin Heller discussed this idea again in her usual compelling and inspiring way.

She told the story of a female baalat teshuvah in her late thirties who got engaged to a thirtysomething chassidish businessman (whose Chassidic group marries off its young men and women by the age of 20).

​After determining that he was indeed a decent guy who simply hadn’t met his zivug until now, they got engaged.

​But when they discussed their favorite places in the world, he said he loved San Francisco because of its beautiful bridge.

“I’ve been to San Francisco,” she replied. “The only thing is there are so many gays, it made me feel uncomfortable.”
​
“Gay people?” he said. “I didn’t think the people there looked so much happier than anywhere else.”

Gulp!
​
Dread speared the heart of the kallah. She realized that despite his wide travels and business savvies, he’d guarded his innocence so well, he could have no idea of her own past. She dreaded him finding out because she knew she’d feel cheap and repulsive (her words, not mine) when he’d invariably make this discovery.

So Rebbetzin Heller bravely rang up the chassan’s Rebbe and very delicately explained the kallah’s concerns.

“I know exactly what you’re talking about,” the Rebbe said. “I spoke with him about this before he even went out with her. Of course she has a past. How could she not have a past?”

For the kallah's sake, Rebbetzin Heller wanted to know how the chassan felt about it.

“I’ll tell you what I told him,” the Rebbe continued. “This is Olam Hatikkun.” (The World of Fixing, Repair, Rectification.) “Nothing in This World is perfect. Not me. Not him. Not her. Not you. It’s the World of Tikkun. It’s the world where we all have to select where we want to be and who we want to be by rejecting who we don’t want to be and what we aren’t.”

And the chassan accepted it.

​Then the Rebbe asserted that if the kallah ever wanted to contact him directly, she could feel free to do so.

So again, the Rebbe's definition of This World as the World of Tikkun:

• Reject who you don't want to be.
• Reject what you aren't.
• Select who you want to be.
• Select where you want to be.

Again, just like with Rav Ofer Erez’s book Ahavat Kedumim, this truth removes toxic shame from the whole picture.

Healthy shame, yes.

Toxic shame, no.

Many people comment on how exasperated, frustrated, exhausted, and angry they feel about the constant struggle with a nisayon. (And I can feel this way as much as anyone else.) In a particularly challenging nisayon, a person can fail many more times than she succeeds. The struggle can feel so worthless and meaningless.

But it’s NOT.

That struggle is exactly what we’re here for: It’s Olam Hatikkun.

It’s a world of stitching, then ripping out stitches, then starting over again.

It’s sculpting, then mashing everything back into a mound of clay, then starting over again.

It’s painting, then getting nicks, scratches, and holes, then plastering, scraping, and repainting again.

​If at all possible, rather than feeling defeated and down on yourself when struggling, you can also feel good and happy (at least a tiny bit) about that feeling of struggle, even as you feel fed up with it.

Rebbetzin Heller ends the shiur with 2 questions every person must ask herself:

• Who am I not?
• Who am I?

She explains that according to Chovot Halevovot, the answer to “Who am I?” is: “I am a person of transcendence.”

And the Chovot Halevavot details 4 qualities regarding this (i.e. that define our portion in the World to Come).

"I am:

• my emuna." (i.e., knowing that God is behind everything)
• my willingness to give to the other and to affect the other."
• my ability to suffer and meet challenges."
• my ability to want to know Torah and to live it."

These are the goals.

Your unique path is to find your way to actualize these goals within you.

It’s All Greek To Me - Confronting the Challenges of Contemporary Culture | TorahAnytime.com (the shiur on which this post is based)
Our Purpose in This World
What is the Main Purpose of Your Existence?