When I was researching personality disorders, one person came up with the following question:
 
If you recognize Narcissist or Borderline thinking in yourself, but you don’t act on it—instead, you recognize it, acknowledge them, and deal with it within yourself…does that make you Borderline or Narcissist? Meaning, if I identify with a lot of the feelings and emotional reactions common in personality disorders, does that mean that I have a personality disorder, even if I recognize them as irrational and refuse to act on them?
 
The therapist basically answered that the thoughts or feelings themselves—that initial pang of envy, that initial inner flash of rage, that initial sense of being knocked off balance when your black-and-white opinions are upset—these are actually pretty normal. She explained that the main problem is when these feelings mushroom out of control without the person realizing what’s going on.

She also recommended that the Borderline/Narcissist feelings be addressed at their root.
 
But there’s more to it than that.

Your Thoughts & Actions vs. Your Feelings & Inclinations
A midrash about Moshe Rabbeinu relates that a life-like portrait of Moshe Rabbeinu was made and sent to wise men skilled in facial analysis. Shockingly, they reported seeing several very negative traits reflected in Moshe Rabbeinu’s features, including arrogance even though Moshe Rabbeinu was the humblest man who ever lived. Yet when asked about this later, Moshe Rabbeinu answered that yes, he had these traits but had worked to rectify them.
 
The truth is that there is a world of difference between someone who says, “This person didn’t say hi to me when she passed by…how dare she! I HATE HER GUTS! Who does she think she is, snubbing me like that—especially in public!!!” And then telling the incident over like this to another person, justifying the lashon hara as “l’toelet” because she’s so overwrought by the experience and needs to get it off her chest or else she can’t function—and anyway, the other person deserves it because she publicly insulted and humiliated her…
 
…and someone who says, “This person didn’t say hi to me when she passed by…ouch! I hate this kind of thing. It always throws me off. Anyway, I wonder what that’s all about…did she really not see me? Maybe…or maybe she’s distracted? Or maybe she doesn’t like me, but for a reason. Maybe I did something wrong.” (Hatred starts welling up.) “No, I don’t want to hate her. That’s so stupid! Maybe everything’s actually fine and it’s an innocent oversight. Or maybe I really did do something offensive. (Doesn’t do anything nor plan to do anything to “retaliate” because doesn’t like hurting people.) Gosh, I really hate this kind of thing. I hate feeling so crazy and getting thrown off balance by such little things. Normal people don’t feel this way.”
 
The second person is aware that such an extreme reaction of hurt and hate is not appropriate. The second person is also aware that there exist a variety of reasons to explain the snub—one of which might even be the fault of the second person. The second person also feels enough compassion to want to avoid hurting the one who possibly snubbed her and who may actually be an innocent person.
 
Once, I had a neighbor who said, “There are so many snobby people in this building. When we pass each other in the stairwell, they don’t even say hi!”
 
I was confused. “You mean that they don’t respond to your greeting?”
 
She immediately tossed her head and looked away, mumbling something.
 
“Do you say hi to them?” I asked.
 
She made a scoffing noise. “Oh, so I have to be the one to say hi to everybody?!”
 
Now, a lot of people actually do feel uncomfortable when they pass acquaintances, and the acquaintance or neighbor ignores them. Yet these same people are able to rationalize, “Well, I didn’t greet them either.” And they may even feel silly for having feelings of resentment or hurt, realizing on their own that it’s pretty narcissistic and irrational to not only expect people to greet them first, but to even feel outraged and offended when they never extend the same courtesy.
 
So it’s not the fact that you have the feeling or are inclined to certain behaviors.
 
It’s how you think about these feelings and behaviors and what you do with them that defines who you are and whether you are on a path of growth.

• If you can recognize that a certain emotional reaction is irrational or out of proportion to the inciting incident—then GREAT!

 

• And if, based on that awareness, you desire restrain your behavior because you don’t want to hurt anybody or humiliate yourself—then GREAT!

 
However, the Jewish way goes deeper than that.

How to Really Straighten Out Your Flaws and Your Flawed Thinking
While recognizing that your own initial reaction is unreasonable and judging the “offender” favorably are both very good, the awareness that the alleged offense is from Hashem (whether the person meant to offend you or not) is of prime importance.
 
And further recognizing that the “offense” is to your benefit (again, whether the person meant it or not), either as an atonement to clean your Heavenly Slate and pave the way for a Lovely Eternity or as a message of some sort (or both).
 
You can’t help having the inborn traits you have or the having had the experiences that trigger irrational or extreme emotions.

Those were forced upon you. You never had a choice.
 
But how you deal with them is what eventually makes you great.

While modern psychology is very into self-love, self-compassion, and self-esteem, etc., the truth is that you just don’t find such concepts within Torah literature.
(We'll get to what you do find in just a moment.)
 
On the other hand, self-hatred is strongly discouraged within Torah literature as it is just plain wrong and incorrect.
 
Here is the Torah’s take on self-image:

• Your soul itself is holy.
• Your soul belongs to Hashem and was given to you straight from Hashem.
• Your good points are imprinted within your soul by Hashem. (Therefore, you can’t take credit for them, but you can be thankful for and rejoice over them.)
• Your flaws were added by Hashem as removable “rust” or a “coating” (called klippah in Torah literature) because the process of repairing these flaws (i.e. removing that klippah) is good for your soul’s rectification, and the work you do in this area increases the wonderfulness of your ultimate Eternity in your Afterlife.

 
(May you live in robust health until 120!)
 
So what is there to hate?

• Your soul, which is holy and pure, and comes from a holy Abode?
• Or Hashem, Whom it is absolutely forbidden to hate and Whom we are commanded to love with all our heart?

Don't hate yourself. Self-hatred is based on self-deception.
 
However, if you believe that you are basically decent person, but that you just have some flaws to tackle (which is the truth), then you are probably a pretty nice person to be around and your head is probably a nice place to be too.
 
For example...

Andrea and Nora
Andrea vaguely noticed Nora pulling a suitcase into the cafeteria of her baal teshuvah seminary. Public announcements were being made and that’s what Andrea was paying attention to.

Later, Andrea and Nora ended up becoming friends and Nora said, “You know, when I first arrived it was so weird. I show up from America lugging this big suitcase, I’m totally new and disoriented…and no one says a word to me! No one even seemed to notice!”

Suddenly, the image of Nora standing there with her suitcase popped into Andrea’s head, causing Andrea a sting of recognition: She was one of those people who hadn’t noticed the new girl, just off the plane and in a foreign environment.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” said Andrea. “I think I was one of those people. It’s just that people are coming and going all the time, and there was a crowd and the public announcements, it just didn’t seem like something to notice. But you’re right, people should be more sensitive and welcoming.”

Nora laughed and said, “Yeah, I know that with such a transitory population, it’s easy not to notice. I realized that later when I saw how nice everybody actually was.” With a giggle, she added, “But I just think that there should be some warning, like maybe on the application, that this could happen!”

As Andrea smiled, Nora said, “How did you feel when you first arrived?”

“I didn’t arrive like you,” said Andrea. “I had a friend here, and she brought me over to her room and immediately introduced me to her dorm mates. That’s probably why I didn’t realize that new arrivals actually need more attention.”

From then on, Andrea resolved to pay more attention if someone was new, and especially if the new girl seemed lost or overwhelmed.
 
Because Andrea:

• sees herself as basically decent

and

• does NOT feel that a flaw indicates that she is innately loathsome and undeserving of any respect or love, she sees other people’s flaws the same way: as mere blips that we all have.

She sees them as basically good people who didn’t realize they were doing something wrong or insensitive. And in most cases, that's the truth.

It also enables Andrea to do teshuvah because while she feels a pang at seeing her flaws, she doesn’t feel like they’re a condemnation of her very being.

So even though Andrea has the same blind-spots we all have, she doesn’t fear her flaws as much as a self-hater does.

The Key to Self-Improvement is Self-Azamra!
Rebbe Nachman insists that you find at least one good point in yourself.

("Azamra" means "I will sing" and comes from the word "zemer," which Malbim defines as thanking and praising Hashem for His personal Supervision and miracles; it's a higher level of song than “shir” and adds to “shir.”)

Basically, if you feel that you are redeemable despite your flaws (and you are), then you will feel that others are redeemable despite their flaws too.

And...if you feel that you are redeemable no matter what you've done, then you will be open to seeing your flaws and doing teshuvah.

Therefore, a person with innately more or more serious flaws but who perceives himself as redeemable can end up becoming a very good and rectified person.

But a person with innately fewer or trifling flaws who perceives himself as irredeemable and loathsome (even if that perception is unconscious and he gives lip service to the idea that anyone can do teshuvah) will end up becoming a very nasty and harsh person...even though he started off at a naturally higher level than the person with more and deeper flaws.

(Although if he at any point suddenly decided to see himself as redeemable and realize that his klippah is from Hashem, then he start turning himself around pretty quickly.)

Anyway, the decision is up to each of us.

May we all recognize the holy and precious potential within us.

One part in particular stood out, a letter from the Chafetz Chaim regarding the behavior of those still sincerely committed to Torah amidst all the heresy and spiritual rebellion:

The Chafetz Chaim, in his great humility, included himself in that description even though his dedication toward Am Yisrael is legendary:

• He wrote beautiful and compelling books that are still studied and taken to heart almost a century later by the majority of religious Jews.
• He beseeched the Heavens and fasted for days on end—and did so repeatedly—for the sake of Jews whom he barely knew.
• His tenderness and understanding toward individual Jews of any age and status is still spoken of.

 
And the religious people of whom he spoke had their hands tied in so many ways as described in the book. (Really, what can you do as Rosh Yeshivah of Slutsk if one of your boys pulls out a gun and thus forces the entire yeshivah to listen as he blabs on about the joys of socialism?) What could they have done?

Engrossed in their daled amot. Engrossed. Not trapped and not looking out in dismay at the world crumbling around them. Willfully engrossed within their own world.
 
Just like me.

Yes, it hit me like that. He was talking about me.
 
Yes, I daven for other people. I have a list of sick, the captive, and the spiritually distant for whom I daven. I’ve davened many times for the benefit and salvation of Am Yisrael and even for the sincere Noachides. I repeatedly ask Hashem to bring all of Am Yisrael (including myself) to do teshuvah out of love, and not through of any suffering or humiliation.
 
But it’s not enough.
 
Why?
 
Well, what do you think I do almost every time I see:

• mention of the Women of the Wall, led by that glory-seeking atheist hypocrite?
• Or whenever I read about Christian missionizing in Eretz Yisrael?
• Or read about the encroachment of the Conservative/Reform movements, especially with regard to giyur/conversion?
• Or the IDF enlistment of girls, in particular the spike of religious girls who want to serve in combat (which is problematic on so many levels, it deserves a post of its own)?
• Or Charedi-looking Jews (REAL ones and not government provocateurs in disguise) acting like thuggish vandals out of a sense of unearned piety?
• Or anything along those lines?

I flee.

I flee into myself, I turn the page, I find another distraction, I fleetingly muse, “Oh, we just need to daven more and Hashem will take care of it…” (without immediately davening myself!).
 
Why?
 
Because these things cause me so much pain.

But even more, they make me very, very, very ANGRY.

And there’s nowhere to put that anger.
(Actually, there is. I could channel it into passionate prayer. But because the anger is so painful, I don't even do that much.)

And there’s nothing practical to do.

Demonstrations or confrontations? I get depleted in the worst way from the atmosphere and emotional upheaval the comes from such things—and it doesn’t change anything. People just hate you and whatever you stand for even more than they did before…and they can fight back in the worst way. They are capable of doing things that you, as a decent person, will not contemplate.
(Although the hundreds of sincere female religious worshipers who came to the Kotel to pray with sincerity in the face of the Women of the Wall was a nice idea that worked out well.)

Nor is there anyone to talk to.

The leaders are completely corrupt and consumed with narcissism. And their groupies…well, I know what their groupies are like having grown up with feminism, Conservative/Reform and all the rest, and having dealt with these people after I became frum. I know exactly how sincere, yet exactly how brainwashed and needy they are, and how unwilling they are to really hear the other side of things.

Unless they approach you, or unless they are already on a quest for truth, then there really is no point in addressing the issues because you’ll just come away feeling even worse, they'll despise you, and all for nothing.
 
Having been one myself, I know how self-righteous and determined they are while possessing very little actual knowledge.
 
On the other hand, I’ve spent years increasingly delving into classic Torah sources in the original Hebrew—and not by rote, but really thinking about what these great Torah Sages had to say to us and what they really meant and how to apply it today—because it is applicable today, despite what even some otherwise respectable charedi Orthodox Jews might tell you.
 
So, here is a picture of my world before I discovered Torah-true Judaism:

Ironically, I was consistently indoctrinated that the above is beautiful, colorful ("See? Look at the pretty red rose in the foreground!"), full of light and is the pinnacle of all there is.
 
Then I discovered Torah-true Judaism and it looked like this:

And I was amazed to see what color and light and beauty really looked like, even as it still looked kind of overcast and damp.

But the more I learned, the more I was dismayed and shocked at how much I’d been lied to (all with the best of intentions of course, by people who were just as deluded and deceived as I’d been).
 
And as I delved deeper and deeper, it started looking more like this:

And it’s only getting more expansive and awe-inspiring.

(Of course, I must also disclaim any rose-colored glasses. I see the warts in the frum world. I really do. But the actual Torah, the halacha, the real wisdom from real Sages, the increasing closeness to Hashem? It looks full of expansive color and beauty.)
 
And every time I read about the very disturbing issues listed above, all I can think is that they want to completely demolish everything and revert everything back to this while I’m sitting in the middle of it:

I can’t tell you how horrible the very idea is.

After all this expanse, color, and beauty, I kick and scream against having to ever go back to that dark gray ugly world again.
 
So it’s very easy for me to sit at home with my emuna and mussar books, surrounded by Torah-observant neighbors of whom I’m very fond, in my neighborhood which is designed especially for Jews like me, where Shabbat is a truly beautiful and peaceful place with no cars or stereos and the sound of different melodies of love-songs to Hashem flow out from open windows on Shabbat night, and to blog about emuna and the Kli Yakar and think I’m doing enough, and to blind myself to the ugly muddy tsunami that is rising around the pretty bubble of my own daled amot.

I’m wrong.
 
And the words of the Chafetz Chaim woke me up to that.
 
The people are drowning! And where am I?
Engrossed in my own daled amot, thank you very much.
 
But it’s not right. I’m basically sitting here as if thinking,
I can’t swim out that far. Anyway, there are sharks in the water and those drowning will just lob a spear into or upend my inflatable lifeboat, drowning me along with them. So I’ll just keep on doing my own personal best and hope that will weigh the scales to the side of merit.
 
Wrong! says the Chafetz Chaim. I need to care about all those lost Jews enough to pound the Heavens for their sake. Instead of running away from the disturbing news, I need to shout out to Hashem,
“STOP! I protest this madness! I protest this destruction! You must please turn these precious Jews around right now! You must please wake them up now and with a great deal of gentleness and kindness because they obviously can’t do it on their own! And while You're at it, if You could also gently shake me awake to do COMPLETE teshuvah from love, I'd be very grateful!”
 
If I really loved and cared about the people outside my own daled amot, this is what I would do. And b'ezrat Hashem, I'll already start.

The first tragic event to occur on the 17th of Tammuz was Moshe Rabbeinu breaking the first set of Tablets when he saw the Jewish Nation worshiping the Golden Calf.

(For a synopsis of the tragedy, please see What was the Golden Calf?)

How did the Jewish people go from the Divinely gifted exalted spiritual level necessary to receive the Torah in all its glory to worshiping an idol only 40 days later?

Moshe Rabbeinu promised to be up on the mountain with Hashem for 40 days, after which he would return. The people miscalculated, so when Moshe Rabbeinu didn't come back on the 16th of Tammuz, they got worried.

Or did they?

It was actually the Erev Rav who got worried...but not for the reasons you might think.

Well aware that Hashem objected to their presence and that it was Moshe Rabbeinu who allowed them to join along, the Erev Rav feared that without Moshe Rabbeinu, they'd be kicked out by Hashem (as if Hashem couldn't just kick them out if He chose to).

This is why the Erev Rav felt they needed to create a new leader, and to do it on the double.

So they sounded an alarm of sorts that affected the emuna of the Jews. In addition, the satan (a prosecuting angel) adjusted nature to provide a gloomy atmosphere. And rather than taking an emuna-driven "Let's wait and see" approach of yishuv hadaat, the true Jews of Yisrael got sucked into the Erev Rav fear.

Important Note:

• The Jews NEVER had anything to fear.
• They were beloved to Hashem.
• So even if something had happened to Moshe Rabbeinu, Hashem would still take care of Yisrael as a mother cares for her newborn baby.
• It was the Erev Rav who stood to lose out if Moshe Rabbeinu didn't return.
• The Jews would have been fine all along NO MATTER WHAT.

In other words, the Jews panicked for NO REASON WHATSOEVER.
And that was their first mistake.

Before he left, Moshe Rabbeinu told the Elders:
"Wait for us here until we return to you, and here Aharon and Chur are with you; whoever has a case, let him go to them."

So at this point, the Jews consulted with Chur, the son of Miriam Haneviah and Kalev ben Yafuneh.
Apparently, Chur told them in no uncertain terms that they didn't need any new leader and were forbidden from doing so.
So they killed him.

Okay, let's look at this for a minute.

Back then, the Erev Rav was obvious. They even looked different to the point that the Moavites could differentiate between Erev Rav and Yisrael.

Also, these Erev Rav people were NOT descended from the Avot and Imahot. And the Jews KNEW this. So why did they listen to the Erev Rav over their own leader (appointed by Moshe Rabbeinu himself), a leader who had proven himself time and again?
(See here for a brief and impressive bio of Chur.)

Picture the scene for a moment:

• You've got these clearly non-Jewish-looking people talking to you in either Egyptian-accented Hebrew or in Egyptian itself,
• people whom you know aren't really a part of you
• and whom you know aren't even wanted by Hashem

...and you decide to listen to them over the daat Torah approved by the greatest prophet who has ever and would ever live?

What on Earth were the Jews thinking?
(For more details please see the Kli Yakar on Parshat Ki Tisa and scroll down past the chelbana.)

Okay, remember:
This whole thing started out as a quest to create a leader.
Not an idol and not a cult, but simply a new leader.

And the Erev Rav probably didn't seem so bad.
They probably just seemed pro-active. Take charge!-types. Self-empowering.
Maybe they even seemed caring and inspirational.
Maybe they conducted promotional self-empowerment seminars.

Yet the Erev Rav, being steeped in Egyptian ways, wanted to be led by the stars, which is why a calf representing the Taurus constellation popped out. In fact, they assumed that Moshe Rabbeinu's power derived from some kind of star-image, and not from his own inner work and holiness.

Of course, the Jewish women resisted handing over the jewelry for the dastardly deed, but the men insisted and the calf was made.

Once the idol was created, the Jews should have immediately realized what they were getting into. After all, bovine-shaped idols were all the rage in that part of the world for millennia. It's sort of like if an "Ephraimite" was leading everyone to what he claimed was a Chanukah party and then suddenly whipped out a cross right before the festivities started.

I mean, you know the guy is not Torah-true, and now he's waving this big cross around at the party. And you know that's not just some random giant "T" because Christians have been using that symbol for the past 2000 years.

But what ensued next was a free-for-all that included debauchery, drugs and alcohol, adultery, and blasphemy.

At this point, viewing the scene from above, could you differentiate between the Erev Rav and the Bnei Yisrael?

Not really; they were all acting the same.

Perhaps if you looked carefully, you might notice that only certain people are orchestrating the whole event, and that those people look different than the participants. But overall, you would not be able to specify who was who according to behavior.

And upon seeing this, Moshe Rabbeinu smashed the Tablets.

And this is one of the reasons we mourn today.

So what do we learn from this?

• The Erev Rav think only about themselves, which also means they are obsessed with aligning themselves to whoever seems most powerful and they are obsessed with materialism.
• For their own self-interests, they will do whatever they can to get an authentic Yisrael WHO HAS NO REASON TO FEAR all riled up with anxiety and fear over an outcome that affects the Erev Rav ONLY.
• Erev Rav motivations are very different than Jewish motivations, although Erev Rav will speak to Jews in a "Jewish" language, if you get my drift.
• This panic discourages authentic Jews from listening to tested-and-true daat Torah.

There are other lessons, but that's all I can think of for now.

So what can we do about it?

• Are you Erev Rav?
• Are you a Yisrael caught up in an Erev Rav fiesta?
• Are you a Yisrael with Erev Rav sparks pricking about your holy Jewish soul?

You can't really know.

But what you CAN do is take a step back from it all, especially at the following times:

• Are you feeling panicked?
• Are you feeling desperate?
• Are you feeling like "Move, move, move!" or "Do, do, do!"?
• Are you willing to latch on to anyone or anything who seems to promise security and leadership?
• Are you listening to the silver-tongued voices of people who obviously aren't the real deal while dismissing authentic daat Torah? (And I mean REAL daat Torah; not every Orthodox rabbi is daat Torah!)
• Are you blindly assuming the other cares about the same things you do, when much of what they say or do actually points to a completely different motive?
• Do you want to contemplate issues and situations before acting, but you have people around you (or even a voice within yourself), pressuring you to just jump into the frenzy without another thought?
• When you want to discuss real issues of emunah and serving Hashem and genuine Torah observance, are you ever waved off, rejected, mocked, or even attacked? (You might even do this to yourself.)
• Are you tempted to follow people who couldn't possibly have the answers because they don't possess your Jewish tradition and yichus?
• Do you see people insisting that you follow them when you clearly see they're holding up a well-known and forbidden idol...but you're caught up in your fear and peer pressure, and anyway, they've got such convincing reasons for what they're doing?

Erev Rav Alert! The above is the effect of Erev Rav on a Yisrael.

And it's a sign to take a step back from it all and inquire of Hashem.

Our times are different and the Erev Rav no longer look they way they once did.

Remember, at the time they were actually worshiping the Golden Calf, the Erev Rav and Bnei Yisrael were behaving exactly the same.

A Reform rabbi holding up a cross at a Chanukah party can still possess a soul of Yisrael.

They only real way to deal with it is via yishuv hadaat - taking a step back and asking:

• "What's really going on here?"
• "Is this the Torah way? If so, where is it written?"
• "Where is Hashem in all this?"
• "What does He think?"
• "What does He want?"
• "Okay, Hashem...tell me what to do!"

Why couldn't Bnei Yisrael have told the Erev Rav, "Wait a minute, Hashem's in charge. Let's give it another day and see"?

Why couldn't they have listened to Chur?

And even at the point that the calf appeared, could they not have said, "Whoa! Wait just one second here! Hmm... I'm going to step out and do some hitbodedut before I do anything else."

They could have taken a step away from everyone and engaged in conversation with Hashem at any point during the ride. Even after they'd killed Chur, they still could've stopped the madness. They still could have turned to Hashem.

And THAT would've saved them.

So don't give up.

Even if you find yourself swept up in a crowd led by Erev Rav after your real leader has been murdered and your other true leader has gone undercover...and even when you're faced with a clear symbol of everything that's wrong with the world and you're all hyped up to worship it with the basest human behaviors...

STEP BACK. And talk to Hashem.

It's not too late. Even if the Erev Rav stuff seems to be a part of you, don't give up.

Just turn to Hashem and don't repeat the mistake of the first Seventeenth of Tammuz.

We mourn it in order to rectify it. And we can!

I was thinking a lot recently about how different people react to different events and circumstances.
 
Two people can have similar personalities and go through the same events and traumas, and one will take the high road while the other will take the low road.
 
It seems that there are differences at the soul level. Obviously, someone like the Arizal was born with a particularly lofty soul while others possess a not-as-lofty soul even though it is still a holy one.
 
Certainly, classic Jewish sources discuss the idea of how the right kavanot pull down holy souls for conception. A Jewish couple who come together in genuine love and respect will pull down a higher soul. There are stories of tzaddikim whose kavanot pulled down very special souls into their children.
 
At the same time, our Sages also discuss how certain states pull down blemished souls. A child conceived while the mother is niddah, with a non-Jewish partner or any other forbidden partner, while either parent is angry or fantasizing about someone else or drunk, or if the woman is coerced…any of these will pull down a blemished soul.
 
And what of cases in which we have several generations of Jews conceived in niddah? What kinds of souls are these? And it doesn’t just affect Jews from secular upbringings. FFBs can make mistakes in taharat hamishpacha, or conceive children in any of the forbidden states mentioned above.
 
In other words, there are no guarantees regardless of yichus.
 
Of course, this doesn’t mean that the soul is condemned to lowliness for life. A blemish can certainly be cleaned and purified.
Such a soul simply has more work to do to get it up to par. Tanach and midrashim contain stories of very great people who were conceived in less than ideal circumstances.

A lot of hard and sincere spiritual work can rectify a soul and bring it to its innate full potential.

(As far as I know, the blemish of the mamzer, a child born of an adulterous union between a married woman and her partner, is one that cannot be rectified within the mamzer's lifetime. The state of mamzerut remains and can be passed on through one's children unless certain measures are taken to prevent this.)

I also wonder about conversion, which pulls down a holy Jewish soul where there was once a non-Jewish soul. How does that work? We see that there are converts with mind-boggling dedication to Torah, far beyond that which most born Jews could withstand, such as written about in The Secret Saga of a Righteous Convert.

Yet there are others who are quite tepid in their observance, seemingly trying to hold on to as much of the non-Jewish stuff as they can, or to revert back to their non-Jewish ways when the going gets rough (though most deal somewhere between these two extremes).
 
Some female converts told me that upon going to the Israeli Rabbanut to sort things out before their upcoming marriage, they are shocked to learn of something possibly amiss in their conversion certificate or experience, and are directed to undergo another immersion in the mikveh just to make sure everything is 100% kosher. As odd as it is to go in for a conversion a week or two before your marriage and after you’ve been fully observant and in a very frum seminary for the past few years, such converts also express a feeling of reassurance.

“Because my child’s Judaism will be defined through me,” say the female converts, “it’s essential that my own status be unquestionable.”

And they also relate that they were able to immerse and say the blessing with even more kavanah now that they had learned and experienced even more about Torah Judaism.

So what’s up with that? Did they receive a whole new soul…again? Or was the Jewish soul they originally received upon the first conversion immersion strengthened or re-purified?

Really, I have no clue and I don’t even know where to start looking. But it is interesting!

To make things even more complex and fascinating, parts of more than one soul can bond together to make a new soul comprised of these different souls. (I think this can explain past-life memories that recall copious past lives or remember two different lives occurring within the same time period.)

Furthermore, there are Erev Rav souls and Erev Rav soul-sparks among us.
 
In the Tanya of Lubavitcher chassidus (Igeret Hakodesh, Chapter/Epistle 26), it explains that after Mashiach comes (but before Techiyat Hametim/Resurrection of the Dead), the Jewish souls will merit to taste from the Tree of Life (i.e. the penimiyut of Torah) and thus will automatically know the revealed mitzvot in the same way that Avraham Avinu intuited the revealed mitzvot long before the Torah was actually given on Har Sinai. And because in this state, they will no longer suffer forgetfulness, they’ll have no need to review as we do now. Instead, Jews will occupy themselves with the deeper hidden aspects of Torah.
 
However, the Erev Rav, who will not taste from the Tree of Life, will need to occupy themselves with Mishnah (all the laws deduced from the Torah) in order to weaken the power of the Sitra Achra (the Dark Side, so to speak). Apparently, even after Mashiach comes, the Erev Rav will still be caught up in their inclinations to sin and will need to hold on tight to Torah learning in order to strengthen themselves against the Yetzer Hara—just as regular Jews do now.
 
Rivka Levy’s book Unlocking the Secret of the Erev Rav: The Mixed Multitude in Jewish Kabbalah, goes into this more, but apparently the Erev Rav souls are Jewish, but they’re a few steps behind the souls of a Yisrael—a Jew. So if I understand the Tanya correctly, after Mashiach comes, the Erev Rav will ascend to the level where regular Jews are holding now, and regular Jews will be on the level of Avraham Avinu.
 
May such a time come soon!
 
(You can also find out more about what traditional Jewish sources like the Kli Yakar say about the Erev Rav by clicking on the “Erev Rav” option in the "Categories" section in the sidebar on the mid-to-upper right.)

Anyway, we clearly have a wide variety of souls bobbing around the world right now. Long ago, our Sages predicted that all the souls would need to come down into the world for their final chance at rectification before Mashiach comes and we’re seeing this now.
 
Sometimes, a person’s soul is so lofty, its light shines through all its owner’s grime. You sometimes see secular Jews who behave with greatness and light. You also see struggling or downtrodden frum Jews who seem to have something special to them, like a great soul that hasn’t yet realized its potential.
 
On the other hand, you may also see highly respected Orthodox Jews in important positions, but when you look them in the eye, it’s opaque as if there’s nothing there inside. Or they are surprisingly superficial or shallow (even if they are academically very intelligent or possess sharp administrative skills) or cynical or quarrelsome or snobby.
 
Because of this, we all need to have a lot of patience both with ourselves and others.
 
We don’t know what kind of soul we have and the long road of rectifications necessary for our soul.

We also don’t know what other people are dealing with and what they are meant to be doing.
 
Of course, we know that, for example, every Jew must keep Shabbat. But we don’t know exactly how that is supposed to be expressed for a particular soul.

For example, does this particular soul need:

• …to take out Shabbat at the regular time or the later Rabbeinu Tam time?
• …Shabbat meals that consist of lots of divrei Torah or lots of singing zemirot? Or both?
• Lots of salads or lots of desserts or lots of kugels?
• Heavy on the meat or heavy or the fish or heavy on Cornish hens?
• A dignified formal meal served on fine china or a lively meal eaten from disposable dinnerware?
• Gefilte fish or spicy fish?
• Going all-out for big melaveh malka bash or taking 10 minutes for a piece of chocolate and a hot freshly made cup of coffee?

 
Furthermore, even if we know where someone is supposed to arrive (at mitzvah observance), we don’t know HOW they’re supposed to get there. For example, I’ve known young women who started off their mitzvah observance with Shabbat and learning the laws of lashon hara while still wearing pants. Others started off with Shabbat and wearing long skirts, but only focused on lashon hara later.

This is why it is so important to forge a relationship with Hashem and really discuss your issues with Him in order to get yourself sorted out, and why it is also vitally important to pray for others to do teshuvah from love and to complete their rectifications in this lifetime.

Because there is so much that we just don’t know.

Praying for others works.

If they have souls of Yisrael, then davening for them is a great act of sisterly or brotherly love and helps them to come closer to their soul's potential, which also sweetens harsh judgements and helps bring Mashiach faster.

If they have Erev Rav souls, then davening still helps. The Komarna Rebbe has said that davening for the Erev Rav to do teshuvah actually nullifies their power because the one holy spark that was holding them up gets sucked out (elevated out of them?) and they are rendered totally powerless.
This is described here and more fully in this book You are What You Hate.
(Disclaimer: While I have read many articles on that site, I have not actually read this book, although I would really like to.)

Yet as Unlocking the Secret of the Erev Rav posits, even that's not so simple because the Erev Rav soul-sparks seem to be mixed up within the souls of Yisrael.

So it's best to just use the most powerful weapon we have: heartfelt prayer.

After I quit my last job, I went through a phase where I couldn’t stop reading about personality disorders.
 
And I found it all both helpful and frustrating.
 
The thing is, without Hashem and a spiritual eye, the big picture simply cannot be seen.

(Interestingly, many of those pioneering the subject of personality disorders end up turning to spirituality, to God in some way, because they also saw that the strict rational views just weren't cutting it.)
 
For example, I object to the hair-splicing delineations of personality disorders:
“This one is Narcissist, but she’s a Borderline, yet this one suffers from Histrionic Personality Disorder, oh but THIS must be Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder…”
And so on.
 
You can even find entire discussions and books dedicated to hair-splitting over whether someone is Narcissist or Borderline.
 
Eventually, it became clear to me that the different categories were simply the effects of different personalities reflecting the same disorder.

Unfortunately, the field of mental health tends to depersonalize human beings. Whether people are emotionally healthy or not, we all tend to have different personalities with different skills, talents, strengths, and weaknesses.
 
For example, a more introverted person suffering from personality disorder would express it as “a covert narcissist” or be diagnosed with “Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder.”
 
An extrovert? Narcissist!
 
An emoting, melodramatic extrovert? Histrionic!
 
Furthermore, just the fact that experts realized that men tend to be diagnosed with Narcissist Personality Disorder while women are more likely to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder indicated to me that again, the difference in diagnosis tends to be in its expression.

Women tend to emote more than men, can be moodier, and so on, thus the diagnosis of Borderline in a personality disordered woman. And vice-versa regarding men, who tend to be more aggressive and see themselves as better-looking than they actually are, and so on.
 
In fact, if you look at a list of Borderline indications, it reads like a collection of negative feminine attributes while a list of Narcissist indications reads like a collection of negative masculine attributes.
 
Why? Well, to quote paleontologist Jack Horner: “Scientists have egos. They like to name things.”

So if your mind works that way, then you end up in highly detailed analyses which you then categorize under different labels.

And like anything else, this kind of mind its advantages and disadvantages.
 
But human beings simply don’t fit into these neat little boxes. The human soul is too profound and exalted, much to the frustration of much of the psychiatric and mental health community.
 
People with personality disorders can be:

• highly intelligent or borderline retarded
• math geniuses or renowned painters or bums on the street
• very secular or seem extremely religious
• impulsive flamboyant party animals or uptight disciplined ascetics
• disorganized messy dwellers or maintain picture-perfect homes with a flair for style
• outgoing and friendly or they can be shy and even snobby

The other problem was the language many people used to described Personality Disorders, such as:

• “They fear intimacy, so they can’t let you close.”
• “They just want to manipulate you.”
• “They consider themselves perfect and never wrong, so YOU must be wrong and to blame for everything.”
• “They need to be at the center of everything and control the relationships around them, so that’s why they triangulate.”
• “They fly into a rage when you show them incontrovertible proof of their misdeeds or manipulations because they hate being found out.”
• "They think of themselves as perfect. So if there's something wrong, it must be somebody's else fault."

 
It’s all true, but it’s generally only true on the unconscious level.
 
(Note: There is something labeled as “malignant narcissism,” which isn’t so different than actual sociopathy/psychopathy. Malignant narcissists do tend to be more aware and devious about how they are hurting people, but they still feel they are acting out of some sort of self-defense. They believe that they are somehow victims.)
 
For example, when a PD individual flies into a rage upon being confronted with obvious proof of his dysfunction, he isn’t thinking, “Oh no, I’ve been found out! But I still want to continue being secretly evil! So now I will fly into a rage in order to intimidate my confronter into denial!”
 
Instead, the rage comes instinctively. And this is also why they and their lies are so convincing: They genuinely believe they have been treated unfairly. In their heart of hearts, they believe that you have been mean and that you are actually victimizing them. No joke and no exaggeration.

If you ask a PD individual, "Do you think you're perfect?" They'll likely look taken aback and snap, "Of course not! Nobody's perfect. What do you think I am, a Narcissist?"
 
All the passive-aggressive things they do—and may even do with a smirk—are usually not as intentional as many people like to think. Discomfiting and even hurting people simply feels right to them. It doesn’t feel “evil” or “abusive.”
 
So all this language of “They want, they think, they need” is an imperfect expression of what’s really going on. Because they aren’t actually thinking or consciously wanting or needing anything beyond what they say.
 
Also, speaking this way reinforces the idea that the personality disordered person is aware, devious, and intentional in a way that they usually aren’t. People with personality disorders are infuriating enough to deal with. The situation doesn’t need to be made worse by implying an awareness and conscious effort that simply isn’t there.

(Although if it really is there, then that needs to be dealt with. But usually, it's not.)
 
For example, when personality disordered people start feeling a bond with you after you’ve treated them with kindness and warmth, they don’t think to themselves, “Oh no! I’m starting to feel close to this person! I’m even starting to trust this person! Gosh, that’s way too scary for me to handle! So I guess I’ll just kick her in the face! ANYTHING so as not to be tormented by this threatening feeling of trust and intimacy!”
 
No, they rarely think at all. Or, if they do think about it, it’s not in those terms. Instead, because it feels all wrong and unpleasant, they might start thinking:
“Gosh, this person is such a wimp/so fake/so weird/so pathetic/such a loser.”
And then they might start to consciously calculate how to play mindgames with you. They may even hone in on a flaw you have or something wrong (real or imagined) you did, which makes you a victimizer in their mind and gives them the right to target you.
 
Or not. They might just reflexively do or say something that shoves you away.
 
In addition, personality disorder of any kind is just a diagnosis.
It doesn’t mean it’s true.
It’s basically the view of the person diagnosing you, and who knows if that person is really qualified to judge you?
 
Finally, in my admittedly limited research, the diagnosis does little good.

The PDer is just fed into the victim mentality (“It’s a mental illness and therefore, not my fault”), even as they parrot all the right phrases of healthy accountability while other people (if knowledgeable in personality disorders) either dismiss the person as hopeless  because personality disorders can’t be cured according to psychology OR (if not knowledgeable about personality disorders) innocent people will use the diagnosis to justify and excuse any negative behavior committed by the Narcissist/Borderline/Whatever because “it’s a mental illness, so they can’t help it, so let’s just feel sorry for them and try to be more understanding and accommodating.”
 
So I use the term “personality disorder” or “personality disordered” or “PD” colloquially. For me, it’s a short cut to describe a certain kind of mindset.
And oftentimes, I just say "consistently dysfunctional" or "consistently difficult" or "impossible people" something like that.

Judaism doesn’t use the term “personality disorder.”
 
Yet it does utilize other ideas that are true and more helpful than what specialists will tell you about personality disorders and how to handle them.
 
Chazakah
Chazakah is the idea of doing something 3 times, making it a “chazakah.” You can do this for good behavior. You can ingrain good habits by repeating them consistently. For example, I noticed that if I can force a healthy response 3 times in a row, the formerly bad response breaks. (Yet that third time will be one heck of doozy! So a lot of times, I’ve managed two, then crashed on the third try. But if I do make it, then there’s a nice leap of improvement.) And it’s suddenly easier to respond properly from then onward.
 
Yet the same is true in a negative sense. And Judaism acknowledges this by saying the first time you sin, it feels bad. The second time, you feel it’s permissible. The third time you commit that same sin, it’s already a mitzvah.
 
This is why PDers feel no conscious guilt for their misdeeds. (Even though deep down, they are consumed with shame, which is why they fight against taking any accountability for their bad actions.) It’s a mitzvah! They’re not only right, but righteous!
 
Their auto-responses are deeply, deeply ingrained from years of poor decisions, thought patterns, and actions.
 
Victim Mentality vs. Gratitude
If I genuinely see myself as a victim of your victimization, then that makes me good and innocent while making you evil and cruel. This automatically means that I can use any means at my disposal to stop you and even punish you.
 
This is why the Nazis saw themselves as victims even as they threw newborn babies into bonfires and buried them alive in pits.

This is why the Communists decried the “privileged” status of their “oppressors” even as they starved, tortured, enslaved, and mowed down millions of people—including children.
 
(More is written about Nazis and victimhood in: How Ingratitude Leads to Genocide.)
 
Judaism (Yahadut) literally comes from the word “thanks”: hoda’ah or hodeh. We are all called Yehudim after Leah Imeinu’s fourth son, Yehudah.
 
Our prayers are literally brimming with praise and thanksgiving.
 
We even bless Hashem for the bad stuff (Baruch Dayan Emet—Blessed is the Judge of Truth) and in the future, we will say today's blessing for good (Baruch Hatov v’Hametiv—Blessed is the Good One and the One Who Does Good) over the bad, too.
 
You cannot feel gratitude and victimhood at the same time.
 
If you feel that everything is from Hashem, and that bad people are just agents of Hashem, and that suffering is somehow for your benefit (atonement, a type of cleansing that enables you to experience a truly wonderful Eternal Life, a message, an impetus to improve, etc.), then you will not feel like a victim.
You will not become consumed with rage nor seek revenge.
 
This is why I strongly encourage people (especially myself) to just start thanking Hashem, whether it’s writing down 20 gratitudes a day, or sitting there and telling Hashem what you’re thankful for, or singing piyutim or zemirot to Him from your heart.
 
It doesn’t matter whether you have a personality disorder or not.
 
Just the action of expressing gratitude automatically lifts you to a spiritually healthier place.
 
This is, in fact, what I originally did not understand about Rabbeinu Bachya’s Gate of Self-Accounting. If you look at it, much of it is about contemplating how lucky you are to have what you have and also how lucky you are to not suffer from, say, attacks by wild animals, leprosy, and more.
Very little of it is what we normally think of as "doing teshuvah" or taking stock of oneself.
 
Anyone who actually contemplates what Rabbeinu Bachya advises you to contemplate will automatically become a better person, and a person with stronger emuna and gratitude.
 
You Literally Cannot Trust Anyone Except Hashem. No One Can.
One of the very frustrating aspects of dealing with personality disorders is the helplessness.

Well-meaning people often advise setting boundaries and being assertive, yet this really does NOT work. PDs HATE boundaries on their behavior. Boundaries feel like rejection and assault to PDers. Again, this is instinctive. While adherents of “Just stand your ground and they’ll eventually adjust!” truly believe that if you are clear and consistent with your boundaries for long enough, the PDer will eventually give in…this just isn’t true. Every time you set a boundary, no matter how gently and diplomatically, they’ll fight it in some way because they feel like they’re being slapped. They need to protect themselves, either by fighting, avenging, or distancing (withholding, stonewalling, slandering you quietly behind your back, etc.).
 
I personally saw people who considered themselves very strong, assertive, consistent, and “I don’t put up with slop from anyone” get their legs chopped out from under them by PDers. True, the PDers didn’t confront them head on, but set things up to damage the person’s career while appearing oh-so helpful! Or they started quietly stonewalling and withholding. And all the time, the assertive and consistent person felt like their method was working because they never realized they were under attack.
 
Also, if any kind of closeness or intimacy genuinely feels bad, wrong, uncomfortable, or threatening to them…then what can you ever do about it?
If someone said to you, “The only way we can have a good marriage/positive working relationship/healthy friendship is if you walk on nails with your bare feet,” would you do it? Would you be ABLE to do it, even if you desperately wanted a good marriage/positive working relationship/healthy friendship?
No, of course not.
(This why love and patience never heals personality disorders.)
 
Furthermore, as I wrote The Secret to Judging Favorably, no human being can be perfectly trustworthy. We simply don’t have the power. Gate of Trust in Duties of the Heart details a list of qualities necessary in order to truly trust and rely on someone, and Rabbeinu Bachya makes it clear that human beings simply do not have such capabilities.

Only Hashem does.
 
So trying to “love” personality disordered people into good mental health is tinged with unconscious gaava (pride). Yes, it’s also mixed with the good intentions emanating from your soul, a sincere soul desire to heal and bond with your fellow Jew.

But only Hashem can fulfill the personality disordered person’s (or any person’s) physical and emotional needs.

Not you and not me.
 
Tefillah: The ONLY Effective Response
I remember whenever I would hear about the Times of Mashiach, people also mentioned all the bad things that would happen. And they attributed many problems nowadays (marital problems, child-rearing hardships, social upheaval, chronic or fatal illnesses) to this being Times of Mashiach.
 
And for a long time, I didn’t understand why. Is Hashem just a Big Meanie, chas v’shalom? What’s the point of all that emotional, social, and physical upheaval?
 
The thing is, when nothing else works, people tend to turn to Hashem.
 
And our generation is particularly stiff-necked about doing so. (And I used to be very stiff-necked about this and still struggle with this, even though I’ve gotten better.) Even many in the frum community prefer professional consultations with experts, medication (anti-depressants, sedatives, etc.), material feel-good measures (“You just need a new custom shaitel and a stunning makeover!”), escapism (workaholism or vacations), constant outpourings “to get it off my chest” to friends, spouses, family members, and so on, to sitting and doing a cheshbon hanefesh or talking stuff out with Hashem.
 
(NOTE: Please don’t assume that I’m above indulging in some of the above. Also, I personally have no problem with anyone indulging in the occasional consultation, pill, cigarette, makeover, new outfit “just because,” vacation, career, or heart-to-heart talk, etc. To me, it’s not different than taking Advil for a headache.
But the point is: Repeatedly turning to the above as a crutch to ignore Hashem is a problem. That's all.)
 
And I really believe that the very impossibility, incurability, and indefinability of personality disorders is to get us to turn to Hashem.

I personally have seen improvement in impossible people who were passionately prayed for.
 
Again, I’m glad I read all the literature because the observations and elucidations were helpful and validating. However, the answers are (as usual) within Torah literature.

In Duties of the Heart, Gate of Trust: Chapter 4, Rabbeinu Bachya compares our reliance on others to a farmer’s reliance on his field.
 
The tending and sowing of a plot of land is the farmer's hishtadlut (making an effort) toward obtaining food (including selling the excess at the market for even more income).
 
Therefore, if Hashem wishes to allow this hishtadlut as the way for the farmer to obtain his needs, then Hashem will sprout the seeds, increasing their growth and multiplying them according to His Calculations.
 
And should the farmer thank the land for this?

No, he should thank Hashem.
 
In fact, we even say blessings before eating, many of which recall this land-growing process:

• “Blessed be You…Who brings forth bread from the land.”
• “Blessed be You…Creator of the fruit of the vine.”
• “Blessed be You…Creator of the fruit of the tree.”
• “Blessed be You…Creator of the fruit of the earth.”

 
In contrast, if Hashem wills the farmer to go through a time of austerity or if He wills the farmer to receive his sustenance from a totally different source, then despite the farmer’s best efforts, the land either does not bring forth a harvest or its crops are somehow destroyed (gophers, invading armies, tornadoes, drought, flooding, etc.).
 
Does the farmer blame the land or the seeds for not doing their job? No.
 
(Although if you’ve ever kicked your car or vacuum cleaner or washing machine out of frustration, you might also be the type of person to start chewing out your tomato seeds for not “behaving” properly. But aside from these kinds of occasional outbursts, a rational person knows that it is not the fault of the thing and that accusations, yelling, revenge, cursing, slandering the uncooperative soil and seeds to your neighbors, or hiring a real shark of a lawyer to wring the dirt or seeds through the justice system.)
 
The commentaries Pas Lechem and Tov Halevanon both emphasize that we should realize that other people are only intermediaries for us, just as a plot of land is only an intermediary. And that furthermore, seeing as human beings are cognizant beings created in God’s Image, they still should be thanked for their efforts simply because those helpful people were designated by Hashem to be His agents in meeting your needs.

And showing them proper gratitude is like showing Hashem proper gratitude.

It’s very easy to get caught up in relying on other people.
 
Some people are bumblers, some are lazy, some are experienced and energetic.
 
And because, for better or for worse, many people are so intentional about what they do (whether it’s chessed or harm), it’s easy to get lost in the illusions of This World.
 
 But if we focus on other people as intermediaries, then a lot of the stress and desperation eases and we gain balance and yishuv hadaat.

Instead of turning our efforts to wrangling with other people, chasing after them, or emoting at them or about them, this knowledge helps us channel all our hopes and energies toward Hashem.
 
(And as always, Hashem is NOT looking for perfection here, but sincere attempts - however bumbling - in the right direction.)
 
May all your “fields” reap bountiful harvests.

In Chovot Halevavot/Duties of the Heart, Rabbeinu Bachya states in Shaar Habechinah/Gate of Reflection that God's Wisdom is One and the Same, but looks different depending on its vehicle of expression.

This is why we have 12 Tribes within one nation.

This is why we need different paths: We need a garden full of different flowers: a Breslov flower and a Chabad flower and a Yemenite flower and a Chazon Ish flower...all misted and irrigated by the same Water of Wisdom.

The Jewish Nation becomes a 12-point prism through which Hashem's Light shines.

In a well-known story printed in a book of Rabbi Avigdor Miller’s lectures, the rabbi mentions a man who left his young son in a room alone with Chanukah candles. Tragically, something happened and the room went up in flames, taking the young boy’s life.
 
During the shiva, the heartbroken father tearfully declared his acceptance of God’s Will and his beloved son’s untimely death. Many people were moved by the father’s unwavering faith despite the harsh blow.

However, while Rabbi Miller praised the father’s faith and acceptance, he also said that the father should not have left his young son alone with the candles.
 
In other words, a cheshbon hanefesh (self-accounting) was missing.

An acquaintance recently told of a terrible medical problem she underwent. She detailed with great honesty the process she undertook of going from questioning Hashem while feeling frightened and upset to wholehearted acceptance of the medical decree as “a love letter from God.” It was very inspiring and gave me a lot of chizuk and gratitude.
 
At the same time, I do know this person. And while there is a lot to like and appreciate about her, she also has stuff she needs to work on. (Just like me and just like everybody else.) While I admired her use of the painful challenge to successfully strengthen her emuna (and while I also don’t delude myself: I don’t see myself as handling such a challenge better than she), I couldn’t help noticing that she skipped the step of cheshbon hanefesh.

Yes, she briefly touched on it by noting that problems in various body parts hint at what needs to be worked on.
(For example, problems in one’s mouth hint at sins of speech.)
But her body part didn’t have an obvious correlation.
(And to be fair, it’s much harder to figure out hints coming from inner organs, such as the liver, bladder, kidneys, gallbladder, blood, and so on.)

Yet even with hard-to-figure organs, the following can help:

• Sefer Charedim (among other books) lists different body parts and their correlating mitzvot
• Garden of Healing (based on the above) lists different body parts/organs and their correlating issues
• A mekubal could be asked what needs to be worked on
• One could directly ask God during a session of personal prayer
• Chinese medicine details how different emotions and middot with different organs. (For a frum take on this which middot and emotions go with which organ and how to heal it all with God’s Help, please see How to Talk to God and Fix Your Health.)

 
I wondered whether she really had needed all the medical intervention (a large part of which was performed incorrectly, painfully, and uselessly at first).

What if she’d gone a step further than faithful acceptance (which certainly was a form of self-transformation) and actually went to work on fixing another trait that needs polishing?
_________________
It’s impossible to know for sure in the above circumstances. Yet we do know that we are here to do teshuvah, to rectify ourselves, and to become better people. And there are certainly stories of ill people doing teshuvah whose teshuvah reversed the process.
 
Yes, strengthening emuna is definitely doing teshuvah.
Intensifying one’s gratitude is definitely self-improvement.

In the above example, my acquaintance ended up with a clean bill of health after all those procedures—procedures which themselves were life-threatening, in addition to her life-threatening illness.
Baruch Hashem, while she was a wonderful person before, she is an even better person from it all and she is totally healthy, may she live in good health until 120.
 
Also, sometimes a decree is a decree. The illness continues, but at least the teshuvah saves from Gehinnom.
 
But I look at my own flawed messy self…and I see that strengthening my emuna and accepting Hashem’s Will with joy isn’t enough.

I’ll give you an example:
 
One day, I was pushing a baby carriage home through a charedi area on a hot day. On the way, I noticed a young woman sporting bushy bleached hair with a thick black stripe through it while wearing a micro-miniskirt waiting for a bus. There was something in her sullen demeanor that made me want to reach out to her. It’s like I wanted to reassure her that she was still likeable and acceptable, even though she was looking rebellious and unacceptable.
 
I decided I would smile and say hi as I passed by her. The problem is, I’m an introvert at heart and doing these kinds of things call for a certain gutsiness that I can’t always muster. In short, my good intentions stumbled along the way, and my greeting didn’t come out audibly enough and I’m not sure she saw my smile. (Or if she did see it, if she interpreted it correctly…maybe it came off as a smirk?)

Immediately, I felt this unbearable stinging sensation in my flesh. I couldn’t take care of it on the street and my home was over a block away. I had no choice but to continue walking even though every step brought another sting.
 
Once upon a time, I would’ve just felt self-pitying and resentful about this. But at this point, I knew it was from Hashem and it was for my good. So gritting my teeth, I said, “Thank you for this stinging sensation!”
 
Was that progress? Yes.
Could have I just been content with that? Yes.
Is it correct to be content with that? Well…no.
 
So I did a quick search of myself and it didn’t take long to make the connection between the stinging sensation and my "stingingly" clumsy interaction with the girl. I realized my good intentions had come off badly and though she didn’t show it, it probably stung.
So now I was stinging.
 
I deliberated whether to go back. I wasn’t sure whether I could physically manage to walk back to her and then walk back home again. I wasn’t sure whether apologizing might make it worse. (i.e., “Hi! Maybe you thought I was smirking at or insulting you, but really, I was trying to be nice!” Weird…) She didn’t look vulnerable, she looked hostile and sullen.
 
Anyway, I decided to happily accept this as atonement for my unintentional blunder and to ask Hashem to somehow make the girl realize that the strange lady who passed her by wasn’t horrible, but just odd.
 
Is that progress compared to how I used to be? Yes.
Is it enough? Well…not really.
 
So I dug a bit deeper into my nefesh, and this is what I come up with:
1) Next time someone interacts with me in a way I find offensive, I could ask myself whether the person is innocent and actually means well, but is merely expressing herself in a clumsy or awkward manner, as I obviously can sometimes do myself.
 
2) Despite what all the outreach enthusiasts preach, sometimes reaching out is the wrong thing to do. Compassion can be condescending if it’s not done just right. Sometimes, people prefer to be unnoticed and just acting normal around them is actually the kindest and most compassionate thing to do.
 
3) There is a time to act and a time to hold back.

4) Ask Hashem before deciding on my own.
 
And no, all the self-introspection didn’t make the stinging sensation go away until I got home to fix it. That was the atonement for unintentionally “stinging” another person. Hopefully, it’s off my Heavenly slate.
 
Is that enough?
 
Well, I don’t know.

But I reached my limits on what I could think to do and here it is.

Even though I’m not Breslov, I ended up getting a 2-volume set of Rabbi Levi Yitzchak Bender’s lectures called Words of Faith (Diburei Emunah), which was translated from a Hebrew translation of Rav Bender’s original Yiddish.
 
He offers a lot of passionate and thought-provoking advice accompanied by many fascinating true stories, both of his own life and the lives of other jaw-droppingly special Jews.

I highly recommend acquiring this set to reread again and again.
 
To keep as close to the original tone as possible, the compilers obviously chose as literal a translation as possible, choosing strict accuracy over style and at times, incorporating the original Yiddish into the text. Yet the lectures (some of which are only a paragraph or two) make for some of the most compelling reading and provide tremendous mussar and inspiration.
 
There is no dry sermonizing here. Rav Bender’s words exemplify the passion of Torah Judaism. His heart was not only awake but on fire for Hashem.
 
Rav Bender was a complete tzaddik and it’s quite an experience to read his actual thoughts, his viewpoints, and many stories he heard and experiences he underwent...all described directly from him.
 
For example, if I start enthusing about another Jew’s greatness and self-sacrifice, it’s not that big a deal because who the heck am I. Because I am very far from spiritual perfection, I’m easily awed by any example of tzidkut.
 
This is one of the unspoken issues with biographies of great people. Those of us who are regular people can’t really explain or portray the tzaddik or tzaddikah properly because we lack the perspective that spiritual greatness would give us.
 
Having said that, there are extremely worthwhile biographies of great people. Some of the best biographers are Sara Yoheved Rigler, Yonason Rosenblum, and Yisroel Besser.
 
But when at all possible, it’s best to hear from the great person him- or herself AND descriptions of spiritually great people by other spiritually great people.

And Words of Faith does both.

At the beginning of the first volume, we meet several righteous converts. Here's one of the first (Words of Faith, Vol. 1, pgs. 14-16) told in Rav Bender's own words:

This was at a time when Communism had taken hold, in addition to the standard anti-Jewish sentiments of the local Christians.

Of course, I would also describe these people with great awe and admiration. But this is a great tzaddik doing so. He’s seeing them with exalted spiritual vision. Can you feel the difference between his expressing of admiration and that of a regular person?
 
Then he goes on to describe a Sinitsa convert who was learned:

He then describes the enormous, stout centuries-old trees that grew there in watery areas, such as rivers and “endlessly deep marshes.”

Rav Bender doesn’t mince words. He wasn’t there, but his empathy is so profound that he speaks as if he himself saw these trees and the terrible suffering of the people who slaved there. He doesn’t forget to mention that “millions” of people were sent there. This obviously includes people who aren’t Jewish, whose suffering and deaths clearly pained him too, judging by the tzaar he obviously experiences in the recalling.
 
He continues:

“Our” convert. Is that how you or I describe people who joined the Jewish community? Rabbi Bender obviously cherishes this man as a brother with great fondness and warmth. This convert is not “other,” but “ours.”

And the truth is that, coming from a regular person, describing one of your newer fellow Jews as "our" convert might even feel condescending or patronizing for that convert. It could actually be an icky experience. But coming from a tzaddik, it's totally different.
 
Then Rabbi Bender describes how the government officials offered this learned man a cozy position teaching indoors, protected from the harsh labor and horrific cold.
 
The downside? He would have to work on Shabbat:

Despite the fact that a tzaddik like Rav Bender would also likely refuse the proposition, he still acknowledges that it the option is "enticing." He has no problem acknowledging the reality of the whole situation.

Also...do you ever describe people as behaving with “holy brazenness”? But let’s say I did. It just wouldn’t sound the same. But when a true tzaddik labels something as “holy brazenness,” then that’s a whole other ballgame.

Rav Bender then describes how this holy man grew continuously weaker, turning white and transforming “from a he-man to a shadow of a human being.” The man’s wife came to visit him in the forest and fainted upon seeing his emaciated appearance. Out of concern for him, she begged him to acquiesce, citing pikuach nefesh as a halachically legitimate reason to violate Shabbat.

But Rav Bender describes the man's response:

Seen through the eyes of This World, the nameless convert’s story has a tragic ending.

No miracle came to save this incredible man.

He just died unnamed with his grave and specific death unknown.
It's chilling and depressing as perceived through the physical world.

And Rav Bender certainly empathizes with the man’s suffering.

But Rav Bender is also very aware of the Heavenly reward this convert ended up receiving and continues to receive: “Happy is he!”

Hashem and all of Heaven know all about this holy man and that's all that really matters.
 
If I ended the story with those words, it would just sound weird. But from a tzaddik, those final words have a different ring to them.
 
Words of Faith contains many stories like the above. And I can’t help wondering whether the mind-boggling mesirut nefesh these Jews had for Hashem’s mitzvot is what protected Russian Jewry from the worst of the Shoah.
 
Yes, Russian Jewry certainly suffered in labor camps during that time, but the Nazis and their death camps never made it there.
 
It’s these uncelebrated acts by unknown yet holy Jews that can be the most powerful.

*Note: In transcribing the text, I cleaned up the translation a tiny bit by adding punctuation and syntax.