Category: Emuna

The Kli Yakar on Parshat Vayera: Why Does Avraham Avinu's Old Age Matter to Either Sara Imeinu or Avraham Avinu? Why Did Hashem Need to Change Sara Imeinu's Wording?

14/11/2019

In Parshat Vayera, we encounter the famous incident of Sara Imeinu's laughter & words of wonder, followed by Hashem's sensitive re-wording when repeating the incident to Avraham Avinu.

In Beresheit 18:12, Sara laughs within herself & wonders at the idea of regaining a youthful biology.

Yet it happened.

However, it only happened to her. As Sara Imeinu noted: "...my husband is old."

And when Hashem repeated the scenario to Avraham Avinu, Hashem omitted Sara's reference to Avraham Avinu's advanced age.

In light of this, certain questions naturally come to mind.

Fortunately for us, the Kli Yakar not only thought of the obvious questions, he also came up with some answers.

At Least 2 Questions Come to Mind...

Question #1: Why does Avraham Avinu's age matter?

As the Kli Yakar points out: "...ki ein hadavar nimna ki zaken harbeh yachol l'holid – for it is not an impossible thing for a very old man to be able to beget [a child]."

Question #2: Why did Hashem change Sara's words?

Is Avraham self-conscious about his age?

No, that doesn't make sense in the context of everything we know about Avraham Avinu.

And, as the Kli Yakar notes, "Lamah yerah b'einei Avraham al sheh amra ha'emet? – Why would it seem bad in Avraham's eyes that she said the truth?"

After all, Avraham Avinu really was old!

Why would he get offended? He was the furthest thing from a vain person. In addition, he was a TREMENDOUS tzaddik! This means he was also profoundly emes-oriented.

Even more, Avraham Avinu deeply loved Sara Imeinu and she was his full & equal partner in everything he did.

Talk about 2 halves of 1 soul.

He's not going to see Sara Imeinu in a negative light. No way.

And so...?

The answer lies in Sara Imeinu's understanding of spiritual physics.

What Did Avraham Avinu's Old Age Mean to Sara Imeinu?

As is clear from the text and commentaries, Sara Imeinu was both profoundly pious & profoundly intelligent. Rashi notes that even her level of prophecy superseded that of her husband.

Sara Imeinu understood the great miracles that occurred over the long term when Avraham Avinu waged war against the Edomite kings.

She also realized that great miracles use up great merits.

In fact, Avraham Avinu himself was concerned about this very issue, as explained by Rashi in Beresheit 15:1.

So Sara Imeinu saw that Hashem rejuvenated her body with healthy youth.

But Hashem hadn't done so for her husband.

To her, this meant that the conquest had used up his merits and so he lacked the merits necessary to produce a child.

Furthermore, realizing that according to the natural order of things, she & Avraham Avinu were at the end of their life together, she laughed at what she considered an incomplete promise.

What is the point of she & Avraham having a child if they could not live to raise him, especially since out of the entire world at that time, only Sara & Avraham possessed the ability to raise a Yitzchak Avinu?

In her great humility, it didn't occur to Sara that she was worth the extra miracle. And she honestly thought that her husband's merits were used up - an assumption validated by Avraham's apparent lack of renewed youth & vigor.

So because she ascribed her humble disbelief to a lack of merit on Avraham's part (not because he lacked merits, but because both he & she felt certain he'd used them up in a truly miraculous conquest), Hashem changed the wording.

And to all of it, Hashem answered (Targum): "Is anything too hidden and separated and concealed from Me to prevent Me from doing My Will?"

Here's All the Above in a Nutshell:

Summary of main points:

Sara emphasized Avraham's old age as physical confirmation to the spiritual assumption that his merits had indeed been used up by the ongoing miraculous conquest of the Edomite kings.

But despite the seemingly confirmatory physical evidence of the logical calculation of spiritual physics, Avraham Avinu's merits had NOT been used up by the conquest.

Hashem refused to even hint to Avraham Avinu that his wife thought his merits were used up.

Anyway, Hashem can do ANYTHING.

And that is why Hashem changed Sara's wording.

Both Sara Imeinu & Avraham Avinu possessed enough to merits to not only have the child they yearned for, but also to raise him.

Note: For a very short & pictorial Kli Yakar on Parshat Vayera, please see...
The Kli Yakar on Parshat Vayera

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Why Does Hashem Want Us to Talk to Him So Much? Rav Avigdor Miller Provides the Answer in Parshat Lech-Lecha

8/11/2019

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It's always very interesting to hear detailed descriptions of our Tanach tzaddikim as real people with real lives.

It makes their lessons more tangible.

So Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Lech-Lecha:The Childless Righteous starts off by emphasizing Avraham Avinu's prestige in his time.

Avraham Avinu was rich in livestock, gold, and silver - all the best wealth of ancient Mesopotamia.

He was both famous & respected. In Hilchot Avodah Zarah 1:3, the Rambam states that Avraham Avinu spoke before large audiences; eventually, 10,000 gathered around him.

Rav Miller also states that ancient Greek historians claimed that Avraham Avinu taught mathematics & astronomy (not astrology) to the Egyptian priests. Josephus quotes ancient sources, which state that Avraham Avinu even composed books, only one of which is known today.

Together, Avraham Avinu & Sara Imeinu cultivated an ideal marriage and because of everything they managed to achieve together, Rav Miller describes them as "one of the most successful husband and wife conglomerates who ever lived."

Yet all they ever wanted was a child.

Why are Jews So Often Compared to Grapevines or Olives?

Avraham Avinu & Sara Imeinu struggled with infertility for decades.

They needed all those decades to pray.

Why?

Rav Miller explains (page 7):

But when some situation comes up and we respond by turning to Hashem with urgency and desperation, then the benefit we gain thereby is extremely great – that’s when Awareness of Hashem becomes seared into our minds.

There’s no question that when people are mispallel with sincerity it causes them to have more Awareness of Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

Rav Miller then states that prayer from a feeling of longing enhances yirat Shamayim and makes a person grow spiritually in ways he cannot otherwise.

Needless to say, Judaism's first Jews were already very special & spiritually elevated people.

But just like pressing grapes or olives brings out their most precious aspects, Hashem wanted to wring out every last drop of the superior qualities of Avraham Avinu & Sara Imeinu.

He needed that every drop of that material in order to create a very special Nation.

(Which is the deep & primary reason they wanted a child.)

Paradoxical Truth: Your Lowest & Bitterest Moment was Also Your Most Successful

When Hashem squeezes people, we often look outside for the solution.

A better medication?

Perhaps I should try the newest self-help guru?

Maybe I should check my mezuzahs!

Maybe I should also give tzedakah...

Rav Miller agrees that spiritual efforts, like checking mezuzahs & giving tzedakah, are very good efforts.

We SHOULD do them.

But what else does Hashem really want?

Rav Miller states (page 10 - emphasis mine):

But among everything, what He chiefly desires is that you should cry out.

Not once and not twice; over and over again you should cry out with all your heart.

Pour out your heart to Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

And that's going to be a success that Hakadosh Baruch Hu wants for you.

And if subsequently He grants your request and you're redeemed from your tribulations, and from then on you live a tranquil life, don't think that now you’ve achieved the purpose of life – to live successfully and happily.

No; your success was already achieved when you were in the midst of the tzarah and you called out to Hashem.

And the more you called out, the more you thought about Hashem, the more successful you are.

And why is Hashem's Way to success paved with such a painful road?

The answer lies on pages 10 & 11 of this dvar Torah booklet.

(Sorry, it's too much for me to sum up here. Very fascinating & worthwhile reading, however!)

Is This Breslov Chassidus or Litvish Slabodka? I Can No Longer Tell the Difference!

Rav Miller stresses that we should turn to Hashem with requests before everything we do, like before we:

bake a cake
buy a new fridge
drive to work
put ointment on a cut

Bring Hashem into everything you do.

Guess who said the following?:

When a man utilizes his misfortunes, not merely suffer like a like a stone, like a tree, but he reacts, he reacts with emunah, and he prays and prays and prays, and he pours out his heart more and more, then this man should know he’s gaining the most out of life.

Who said it? Rebbe Nachman? Rebbe Nosson? Rav Shalom Arush?

Nope.

Rav Avigdor Miller (page 15).

Rav Miller stresses that Hashem WANTS you to do this. You're not bothering Him.

In conclusion (page 15):

If you think about Hashem one minute a day you’re already great.

If you do it more frequently then you're an exceptional person!

Try it. Right now.

Don't postpone; it’s an opportunity.

And if it becomes part of our daily program, it means that we are embarked on a career of coming closer and closer to Hashem.

All credit for quotes goes to Toras Avigdor.

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5 Tips from Rav Kanievsky to Find Your Soulmate, Plus Some True Stories to Illustrate Why These Tips Really are So Important

4/11/2019

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Recently, Hidabroot published a response from Rav Kanievsky that was unusually long for him.

(For the whole story leading up to the list & the list itself, please see the original article: Searching for Your Soulmate? 5 Tips from Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky)

Here are the 5 tips:

1) Take upon yourself to be extremely careful of speaking or hearing gossip.

2) Don't criticize anyone.

3) Don't bear a grudge (be makpid) against anyone.

4) It is also very important that nobody is makpid on them. So if there is a suspicion that they caused somebody pain – they should appease them, ask for forgiveness and ask them not to be makpid.

5) They should pray for friends who are searching for a shidduch.

We All Know Some Crazy Shidduch Stories

After hearing rounds of discussions for years regarding all the derech-hateva theories for the shidduch crisis in America (I haven't heard of a similar crisis in Eretz Yisrael, regardless of community), it's refreshing (as usual!) to hear da'as Torah on the issue.

And just to be clear, I did NOT say that there are no desperately-seeking-shidduch situations in Eretz Yisrael (there are, unfortunately). However, I'm not seeing the mass-crisis proportions they apparently face in America.

I know way too many stories of unlikely meetings & marriages between people for me to take derech-hateva theories lock-stock-and-barrel.

My own Israeli husband is a few years older than me & started dating when I was still an assimilated high school girl in America. Would a round of 40 days at the kotel have helped him when I was in tenth grade?

Well, he did it. And yes, it helped!

But not immediately.

Another friend of mine was an American chassidish girl in her late 20s who met her bashert in America right after he'd gotten off the plane from Tehran. And they met in the waiting room of the office of a Reform rabbi!

(She was passing through for business & having just arrived in America, he didn't realized this wasn't a real rabbi. Noticing the serious young man in a kippah & tzitzit who clearly didn't belong there, she quickly got him pointed in the right direction, and then they married a year later. See? You don't NEED a hotel lobby. It's nice, but Hashem can set up your meeting anywhere.)

That's just two examples of situations in which the derech-hateva solutions would not have helped. We all know others.

I know people who are overweight, not extremely attractive, people who are jerks, obnoxious people, and decent but eccentric people, physically disabled people, and even mentally disabled people who got married without a long wait.

We all know people like this.

I know people who are not so attractive with some pretty bad middot who are happily married because their spouse has bad middot in the same way and they have a Bonnie 'n' Clyde compatibility.

And again, I think we all know couples like that.

Watch Out for Those Hakpadahs!

And yes, the hakpadah thing can be a real issue.

I personally know people who traced their delayed zivug back to people they'd hurt.

In one case, an engagement broken without proper consideration or apology delayed the ultimate shidduch.

How did was that figured out?

Well, prior to their ultimate marriage, one spouse was on the brink of coming to a BT institution in Eretz Yisrael, but an odd experience cast the possibility out of mind.

Two years later, that partner finally arrived at the same BT institution, and via a staff member at this institution, this couple finally met and married.

"Why did that happen to me?" said that partner later on in the marriage. "I was all set to go – and it would've been GOOD for me to go there earlier – why did I suddenly decide not to go?"

After determining the approximate time this sudden refusal happened, the other spouse reluctantly admitted that not only had the broken engagement occurred around that time, but it was broken in a way lacking in derech eretz. Not intentionally hurting anyone, but lacking the courage to deal with the situation correctly, the partner just ditched.

Now think about that. Because of a broken engagement handled poorly, the ultimate shidduch was pushed off by at least 2 years.

Selfless Tefillah

Also, my husband's nephew ended up stuck in shidduchim for a few years.

Finally, my husband's nephew and one of his mother's co-workers (a much older woman) decided to daven for each other that the OTHER should get married first.

My husband's nephew is a very sincere and temimusdig person. He truly davened that she would marry first. (Also, let's be completely honest: He was still younger than she and likely feeling less pressured about getting married already.)

Not long after he took on this davening, my husband's nephew met his wife who is such a wonderful young woman. It was an unusual shidduch because she was FFB from a chashuv family (my husband's nephew was secular until he decided to go to yeshivah for 9th grade), but they are quite compatible and have been producing beautiful Jewish children at a rapid clip. (Their first 2 children are only 11 months apart.)

Derech Hateva: Only be a Small Slice of the Hishtadlut Pie

Please note that I'm NOT calling for completely ignoring derech-hateva theories & solutions.

These theories & solutions exist for a reason.

But based on the above & many other stories like all the above, I really feel that tefillah & cheshbon hanefesh MUST be a MAJORITY part of the solution.

In all the above examples, only tefillah & cheshbon hanefesh could help.

All the derech-hateva solutions do not help one whit if your bashert is in Tehran, high school, and so on.

God willing, may all our singles (whether never married, divorced, or widowed) please find their good & true shidduch b'sha'ah tovah umutzlachat.

(This is a nusach I personally heard from the late Dayan Fischer ztz"l, who advised the girl I accompanied to daven that Hashem should bring her shidduch hatov v'hanachon b'sha'ah tovah umutzlachat.)

Related Post:
When Giving Results in Receiving: A Love Story

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UPDATED: Using Torah to Think Outside the Box

29/10/2019

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Years ago, I first heard the idea that while everything is in the Torah, you need to be a huge talmid chacham to extract it.

And in a nutshell, this was the heter to glean stuff (particularly psychology & self-help) from the non-Jewish world.

Initially, it was a relief to hear it.

Because I was so far away in my mind (despite being technically observant) from comprehending (let alone internalizing) original sources of mussar, the above concept really appealed to me back then.

Gradually, though, I saw it wasn't really true.

Obviously, we're allowed to glean stuff from the non-Jewish world.

However, when it comes to ideas that affect our inner selves and our ability to do teshuvah, it's actually very hard to discard the chaff (of which there is an ENORMOUS amount in popular psychology) and leave only the legitimate kernels.

That's why I really relished Rav Itamar Schwartz's statement that you actually need to be a big talmid chacham to sift through the secular stuff in order to get to the genuinely helpful stuff.

Here are Rav Schwartz's exact words from Woman's World 018: Avoiding Non-Jewish Influence (please scroll halfway to the section called "Who can learn psychology?") – the boldfaced underlined emphasis is my addition:

A person who is a very big Talmid Chochom, who learned the entire Torah – who finished Shas (Talmud Bavli, as well as Talmud Yerushalmi) and has learned the works of the Gra and the Maharal – he already has his outlook from the Torah, so he can sift through the information and see which non-Jewish literature is kosher and which isn’t.

He is able to obtain permission to learn it, because he can know how to sift out what isn’t true.

As you can see, it's the diametrical opposite to the idea bandied about in frum outlets.

Blind Spots are No Heter

Of course, the original idea presented in favor of secular methodologies derived from the fear of people misinterpreting Torah ideas, and especially distorting them to cater to their own deficiencies.

It's true that people do that. It's a legitimate concern.

Yes, it's true that people can read Torah sources with their blind spots solidly in place, making it difficult for them to extract the lessons they truly need from it.

(Many people especially love distorting the Rambam's or Rav Moshe Feinstein's words & ideas to align with his or her goals & personal flaws.)

But there is also a matter of ratzon (desire, good will).

Without Ratzon, Nothing Helps (well, almost nothing, anyway...please see the next section for what can help when even the ratzon just isn't there)

If you have a sincere ratzon, you'll get what you need from the original sources.

It might take a while and you might experience lots of confusion at the beginning, but eventually, you'll get it. (Kol hahatchalot kashot – All beginnings are difficult.)

Throughout recent decades, we've seen that therapy often doesn't heal people.

Many people feel better with therapy, but they often don't behave better. And even the ones who technically behave better, they aren't actually so much better inside.

For example, I've met former alcoholics and others who've ceased obviously dysfunctional behaviors, but they still aren't emotionally healthy people. They still have a lot of narcissism, for one. Not everyone, of course.

I also know parents (or their abused children) who were physically abusive, yet when compelled by a therapist to stop, the parents simply became emotionally neglectful, sarcastic, mocking, or some other form of rejecting & abusive behavior that much harder to define & legislate.

And I knew one problematic young husband married to a verbally abusive young wife. When she really got going (and let me tell you, she did so with great relish), he would rap her on the mouth with his fingers.

Needless to say, this crossed the line into physical abuse.

(FYI, I knew them both, and I knew her well enough before she got married. They both had middot problems that needed serious attention. She might have been a bit worse than him, to be honest, but he also needed to whip himself into shape.)

So a frum therapist, the young husband's mother (who was a very frum lady), and the young wife's mother (who was also a very frum lady) sat him down and made it abundantly clear that he was never, ever, ever to raise his hand against his wife in any way whatsoever, and that doing so was completely forbidden.

And he never did it again.

Instead, he also unleashed a verbal diatribe whenever his wife unleashed hers.

As the young wife's mother lamented, "Now he's striking her with his voice instead of his fingers." (And yes, she admitted that her daughter was doing the same.)

This obviously did not solve the real problem for either one of them.

Now they both behaved in an EQUALLY appalling manner.

Equality achieved!

Neither spouse worked on the core middot that led to halachically forbidden behavior, in which all abuse is forbidden by halacha, whether it is physical, verbal, mental, or emotional.

Yet in the above example, everyone involved simply responded according to the values & methods of secular psychology.

No Ratzon? So Just Keep Pouring It On

Likewise, a great many people in therapy simply become more narcissistic.

Why?

Narcissism is actually encouraged by popular psychology (though they use appealing words to get around that fact, so it doesn't look like conventional narcissist personality disorder).

But even if you end up with a genuinely wise therapist, you may not get much out of it unless you have a sincere ratzon.

So an insincere messed-up person might as well read Mishlei/Proverbs or make a daily study of Duties of Heart's Shaar Habechinah.

It's sort of like Rebbe Nachman of Breslov's parable of the sick prince who couldn't swallow, and therefore couldn't ingest any medicine to get better. So instead, a wise Sage advised the doctors to simply pour gallons of medicine over his mouth, with the understanding that at least a few drops would drip their way in, even as the vast majority of medicine would be lost.

Deal with Negative Feels via Mussar, Not Therapy

When I saw a young woman on the bus behaving inconsiderately (as featured in The #1 Way to Deal with Anger & Other Intense Negative Emotions), what would a therapist have advised me?

Ultimately, the scene was a hint from Hashem. It was a message that even if we take a lackadaisical attitude toward our own Olam Haba, we need to know that behaving beneath the Torah's standards hurts our fellow Jews.

We are literally all in the same boat; we are literally part of the same body.

This is great chizuk to keep on going even if we've given up on ourselves.

(Or even when we've convinced ourselves that something is okay "just this once...")

What therapist would've guided me toward the right kind of thinking?

True, a frum therapist here or there may have done so, but most would not.

How would secular methods have helped?

Secular methods would focus on me dealing with my anger toward the girl, on letting go or being more assertive, etc.

They (and therefore, I) would completely miss the very important mussar intended by Hashem.

(And no, I really haven't seen her since I got the message. Maybe she doesn't even really exist, and was just a pelephone-addicted golem created for mussar.)

What If You're Allergic to Conventional Psychiatry?

Finally, Rav Itamar Schwartz mentions a very important fact unconsidered by many people: What's good for one isn't necessarily good for another.

You can recommend strawberries as wonderful sources of vitamin C along with other benefits...but what if a person is allergic to strawberries?

Peanuts & fulim (fava beans) contain wonderful vitamins & minerals...but they are a death sentence to those allergic to their properties.

Likewise, in the Q&A If a person has problems with rage and he wants to calm down, should he take pills?, Rav Schwartz reveals that the conventional "prescription" method of treating the physical body for building one's spiritual state comes from people who aren't Jewish and it only works for people who aren't Jewish.

In another post (Protection from Illness of Erev Rav), Rav Schwartz quotes Chiddushei Chatam Sofer, Shabbat 86b:

The Chasam Sofer[1] stated that we cannot bring any medical proof from a non-Jew’s body to how we heal a Jew’s body, because since a Jew has a higher soul than a non-Jew, the healing is not the same.

The Chasam Sofer revealed to us a very novel concept – not only is a Jew’s soul vastly different than a non-Jew’s soul, but even their physical bodies are different.

This was a real whomp between the eyes because, to me, it also implies that all the studies of the effects of these medications don't apply to Jews – unless they were performed on Jewish subjects...which also reminds me of a rav (I heard it attributed to Dayan Fischer ztz"l, but I don't really know) who said that this is also included in the meaning of ein mazal b'Yisrael, i.e., conventional mazal doesn't apply to Jews because Hashem set Jews above the natural influences of things.

Physics applies to Jews (so don't drive too recklessly & don't do anything else dangerous), but "mazal" doesn't apply to Jews.

Back to medication: When, in Rav Schwartz's opinion, does a psychotropic medication play a part for Jews?

His answer:

In certain extreme situations, it may be used by a Jew who has fallen very low that for the time being, his life right now resembles a level that is very close to a gentile’s way of living.”

Really scrumptious food for thought.

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Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Beresheit & Using the Mundane World for Spiritual Growth

24/10/2019

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In this week's dvar Torah, Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Beresheit: Parnassah & Spiritual Growth, Rav Miller gets right into the bones of the parsha: the result of sin.

To protect ourselves from sin, we should utilize routine scenarios to remind ourselves (in an inspiring way) that this is the result of sin.

Two of the big curses are working by the sweat of your brow to earn your bread and raising children with tzaar.

So Rav Miller suggests that whenever you see an example of these curses (a man pounding into concrete with a jackhammer, a teacher struggling with unruly students, your own work woes, or the frustration of getting your children to bed), you should think about those 2 curses b'ze'at apecha tochal lechem or tzaar gidul banim and remember how great life could have been if we hadn't sinned, thus encouraging us to avoid sinning now.

Also, when you think these thoughts and these passukim in mundane situations, you are bringing Hashem into the picture and uplifting your soul.

Yay!

Gleaning Emunah from Muskrats & Other Animals

And we can also learn about Hashem's Wonders from animals. Watching animal behavior is a great way to build emunah.

Rav Miller explains (pg. 9):

Every creature was provided by Hakodosh Boruch Hu the ability to care for itself.

Every creature except one! Only man was left out.

Now that's a remarkable thing.

After all, man is the most perfect of all beings.

Man has the ability to speak, to pass down information. He has more intelligence and also many skills that other creations don't have.

But he lacks the gift that Hashem has given to the rest of Creation. He has no natural instinct to care for himself, no means of providing parnasa for himself like all of the other creations.

Of course, if people would have any sense they would see immediately the biggest kasha – it’s the biggest refutation of evolutionists.

Because according to the evolutionists who claim that everything is the result of development, so the more a creature develops, the more its abilities and instincts should develop.

So according to them Mankind should have been endowed with everything – and instead he is endowed with nothing.

He doesn't even have claws.

At least let him have good claws.

Claws are remarkable; you can catch food with your claws. And if anything comes to catch you, so you can climb a tree.

And the instincts of man should also be more developed.

A man should know instinctively how to build a nest. He should instinctively know how to make traps and catch animals.

Rav Miller goes on about the nifla'ot of spiders & beavers.

(It actually reminds me of Laura Ingalls Wilder's The Long Winter, in which Laura's Pa realized they were in for a hard winter because he'd never seen muskrats build their mud-houses so heavy and thick. "I don't know how they know," said Pa. "But they do. God tells them, somehow, I suppose." Then follows a little lesson in God's gift of bechirah for humans and how we're different than animals, and how muskrats can only make muskrat homes, but humans can make any kind of home they choose. It used to be that any person could gain knowledge of Hashem by looking at Nature. Then fake science came along...)

MUSKRAT LODGE

Emunah from Apple Seeds

In Gan Eden, Adam & Chava had the best foods in the world.

Amazing fruits, including fruits and trees themselves that taste like any kind of food you can imagine. (It sounds like mann.)

But all that's just a distant memory now.

Instead, we need to work for our stuff.

Rav Miller suggests that we say a brief prayer before we do whatever we do, whether it's giving a class or selling something. We should offer a brief yet heartfelt tefillah to Hashem for success.

In the vort following the dvar Torah, Rav Miller recommends the following easy-shmeezy act to improve your emunah & simcha (pg. 17):

I’ll tell you a good idea. Let’s say you’re eating a tomato or an apple; spit out the seeds and put them in your pocket. Carry it around with you from time to time.

I do it.

I keep apple seeds in my pocket, and when I’m walking down the street I take them out sometimes to look at them. I marvel at them: “Ahh! Look at the miracle! This is why Hashem said those extra words in our possuk!” [i.e., "The tree is desirable as a means to wisdom” - Bereishis 3:6]

People write to me that I should send them some of my seeds. I send the miracle seeds by mail. I go to the post office and I mail my seeds to people.

I wish I had known back when I first started listening to Rav Miller that it was okay to inconvenience him in such a manner.

And he was so nice about doing it too.

But I just never thought to send him a self-addressed stamped envelope with a request for his apple seeds.

It's good to collect things from big rabbanim: a dollar from the Lubavitcher Rebbe ztz"l, apple seeds from Rav Miller ztz"l...

Seriously.

Having these tangible reminders of how much a big rav cares about you personally, plus the idea behind the dollars or apple seeds...it's a good thing to have with you to contemplate when you're going through low times.

There's also a Q&A way at the end which presents a very good way to discuss nifla'ot haBorei with a small child. Nice!

(Also, Toras Avigdor has apparently improved their design with a new & very pleasant typeface & layout. All credit for all quotes here goes to Toras Avigdor.)

Apples bursting out of their blossoms

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Who is a Jew? Disturbing Stories & Inspiring Stories. And How to Prevent Problematic Lineage from Affecting You & Your Descendants?

22/10/2019

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The idea of a secret Jewish or non-Jewish identity continues to intrigue many Jews, particularly religious Jews.

Me too.

Whether it's a potential convert from a Spanish-speaking country who discovers proof (or at least, compelling evidence) of a matrilineal line of Jews from the anousim or Jews who seem not to be Jewish (whether a possible Erev Rav soul-root or suspicions regarding the maternal line) or adoptees who uncover either Jewish or non-Jewish maternal ancestry, the underlying identity of a Jew or non-Jew continues to intrigue many of us.

For me, it has always been an enduring interest that refreshes itself anew every so often.

(As the generation above mine dies out without doing teshuvah or without even leaving Jewish descendants in some situations, my interest in the topic is renewing again.)

Nurturing Vibrant Trees with Robust Roots

Over recent years, I've found myself focusing more on & strengthening my own Yiddishkeit or wanting to exchange chizuk with other frum Jews.

In contrast to my former more kiruv rechokim-orientation, I found myself coming into kiruv-krovim — including being mekarev myself, if you know what I mean.

At this point, I feel that sincere davening for fellow Jews reaps more than external action, like talking and other kiruv-based interactions.

Having said that, for those who enjoy hosting secular Jews for Shabbos or passing out all sorts of Jewish pamphlets or Shabbos candles or giving kiruv seminars/classes, this is not meant as discouragement!

On the contrary, if you enjoy and succeed at kiruv rechokim, by all means — CONTINUE.

You're doing a lot of good!

But despite a lot of frum focus to the contrary, I'm slowly discovering the value of getting the core into healthy shape.

In other words, my focus has become more inner-directed. Not self-centered or selfish, but a fortifying of the roots and trunk of the tree, rather than developing more outlying branches.

While I don't necessarily apply this to those who clearly succeed in bringing assimilated Jews back into the fold, I feel that a deeper focus on improving and strengthening the core is vital — perhaps even more vital than searching out the assimilated.

(If our roots are strong and healthy, branches & blossoms will develop & multiply on their own.)

I think this reflects my renewed appreciation of Rav Avigdor Miller's approach, which clearly focused on building a vibrantly healthy core: a vibrant & sincerely frum Torah community connected directly to Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

Certainly, I developed a love of Rav Miller's Torah in my early twenties as a newcomer to frumkeit. I listened to so many of his tapes and bought the books containing his divrei Torah and Q&As.

But I appreciate him even more now.

Focusing Inward

As described on this blog previously, it has taken me over 25 years to discover that I'm not remotely successful (to my knowledge) with kiruv rechokim.

And anyway, I see so much in myself that needs "kiruv." I've done so much work on myself over the years, and there's still so much work that needs to be done.

Furthermore, I can't help seeing how much there is to do within the frum community.

Whether it's participating in helping mommies recover from birth, tending the needs of sick people, supporting poor people, single parents (whether divorced or widowed), kollelim & yeshivot...there is so much good to accomplish WITHIN the frum community!

Helping other frum Jews find employment, creating businesses to serve frum needs, and especially...SCHOOLS.

There is so much to invest in the frum school system to ensure our children receive all their needs (spiritual, academic, physical, emotional) and nurture their precious souls in the best way possible so that they can become the best Jews possible and merit a truly wonderful portion in the World to Come.

And many of we religious Jews very much need chizuk from each other. We need to continue deepening & expanding our relationship with Hashem, our emuna & bitachon, plus exchange "light" with each other.

In addition, the open secret that even many frum Jews feel uncomfortable acknowledging is that many of our most vital mitzvot apply mostly to Jews who are shomrei Torah & mitzvot REGARDLESS of their particular affiliation (and even if another FRUM group holds some hashkafot that produce friction against your group's personal hashkafot).

If another Jew is shomer Shabbat, shomer kashrut, etc., we have a mitzvah to love that person, give the benefit of the doubt, refrain from speaking lashon hara or rechilut about that person, and so on.

A fellow shomer mitzvot is "your brother" (or sister).

Are there dissenting and more expansive opinions?

Yes.

But the core opinion across the board is that a shomer mitzvot Jew is your brother or sister, to whom all the bein adam l'chavero mitzvot apply.

This is the Gemara. (Please see Rav Avigdor Miller's Should We Love Irreligious Jews? for a very brief summary with sources.)

If one is not shomer mitzvot (and especially if a Jew is ANTI-mitzvot), then not everyone says this is "your brother."

It depends.

(Please see the above link, plus Rav Avigdor Miller on Loving All Jews and Loving Your Troublesome Neighbor and Can the Rav explain to us how we could actually learn to love all Jews? for even more.)

Excuse Me - WHO Exactly Did Hashem Take Out of Egypt Again?

Furthermore, I've reached the age where the generation above me has started dying out (may we all live in robust health ad 120, b'ezrat Hashem).

In my family & former non-religious Jewish community, people are intermarrying (sometimes divorcing and intermarrying again).

Among the movements for Reform & Conservative (which is actual extremely liberal) fake "conversions" are all the rage, further diluting the crumbling Jewish identity of ignorant Jews (and deceiving non-Jews) by declaring 100% NON-Jews as Jews, and making these non-Jews believe they are bona fide Jews too.

I recently received photos and enthusiastic emails about Rosh Hashanah meals, complete with honey cake and apples dipped in honey, in which not ONE participant in Jewish.

Three generations of participants...no Jews left.

Not one.

Just non-Jews, some of whom think they're Jews.

And while a non-Jew acknowledging Rosh Hashanah kinda makes sense (after all, it is a day of universal Judgement), these people will celebrate a Pesach Seder too, which has absolutely no connection to their history or souls.

But they sure love singing Dayenu and eating matzah ball soup.

I'm seeing Jews die without leaving one Jewish descendant.

A Jewish line stretching back centuries...culminates in a dead end.

And many of these people lived a lifetime steeped in cheit & aveirot (married to a non-Jew), some with random mitzvot interspersed within (like lighting Chanukah candles).

And despite all the information & resources available, despite the ever-expanding copious outreach & approachability of their nearby frum community, and despite outreach efforts directed at these people, plus being davened for by frum family members or other associates — these people make no steps toward teshuvah, not even one, until & including the moment they die.

Over 20 years of being their frum relative super-nice and receptive, sending these people appealing videos and links to kiruv websites, Shabbos invites (and actual Shabbos hosting), davening for them, their own experiences (POSITIVE experiences!) of visiting Eretz Yisrael & the Kotel & spending Shabbos with a frum family, davening at a frum shul, and so much more — nothing, nothing, nothing.

No effort on anyone's part and no experience no matter how pleasant — nothing in authentic Judaism has touched them one iota.

What to make of it?

Who's a Jew? No, Really - Who IS a Jew?

Well, here's one possibility — an admittedly unpopular possibility for many Jews today, but it's one stated by the Rambam no less:
Rav Avigdor Miller on Are You a Descendant of Avraham Avinu?

Apparently, the Rambam states (I don't know where) that a Jew who NEVER comes back to Torah and Mitzvot is not from the seed of Avraham Avinu.

In his great integrity, Rav Miller acknowledges that this isn't necessarily set in stone: "...I wouldn’t be stubborn as to tell you definitely. There may be some exceptions to the rule."

The fact that he describes his dissenter as a "chassidishe Rav" indicates that Rav Miller respects his dissenter's scholarship and that the chassidishe Rav based his dissent on legitimate sources and not sentimental feelings.

Also, Rav Miller himself admits that it's not necessarily absolute, as stated above.

Indeed, Rav Petiyah's Minchat Yehudah describes his encounters with Jewish souls who sinned throughout a series of lifetimes, never doing teshuvah and dying as complete degenerates.

They reincarnated again, and when they still didn't do teshuvah, they spent some time in unbearable hellish suffering in the Slingshot of Hell or an Ocean of Lava (which saying Kaddish helped to lift one man out of the lava for the duration of the Kaddish), then merited an afterlife rectification from Rav Petiyah.

Phew!

So who's right?

Well, we know that all the big poskim in Chazal are correct, even when they contradict each other:

I don't think it's difficult to say that in some situations, the unrepentant Jew really isn't Jewish at all, i.e., he is not from zera Avraham.

Yet in other situations, he is from zera Avraham and will suffer another gilgul, some kind of Gehinnom, and/or rectification by a tzaddik if he doesn't do teshuvah in his lifetime.

In short (if I'm understanding everything correctly):

You can hold by the Rambam and it is perfectly within your right to do so.

You can also hold by an equally solid source that disagrees with the Rambam. It is equally within your right to do so.

But you can't go trashing the Rambam or any other fundamental source in Chazal.

And, like Rav Miller says, I don't think we can claim to know for sure.

We can hold by one giant posek or another, but we can't say with our small minds that we know.

However, if you want to make the most lucrative investment in your fellow Jew, then going with those who are shomrei Torah & mitzvot seems to be the surest way to go.

Nothing is 100%, nothing is perfect, but investing in fellow shomrei mitzvot appears to be the lowest-risk investment.

What about Blobs?

One Jewish male family member who died this year was originally married to a Jewish woman. They had 1 son, then divorced.

(That son married a non-Jewish woman, had a non-Jewish daughter with her, then he died when his daughter was around 8.)

The Jewish male family member then married a non-Jewish woman (but got her a fake conversion first). The "conversion" was totally bogus. She never intended to keep the 10 Commandments, let alone kashrut or anything else. They lit Chanukah candles & hosted a Pesach Seder every year, but that's the limit of their "observance" as far as I ever saw.

A non-Jew cannot convert with the intention of profaning even a single commandment (i.e. "I'll keep everything EXCEPT..."); such an intention invalidates the conversion.

Anyway, they had 2 children together.

I knew this man my entire life and all I ever saw was a quiet blob who was sometimes grumpy.

He always reclined in his chair, either at the table or on the sofa.

If he was on the sofa, he clutched a beer in one hand and watched sports on TV, preferably American football.

But it didn't matter. Any sport would do. He even watched horse races.

Even as a child, I thought that was weird.

(FYI, I never saw him drunk, just indolent.)

Sure, he held down a job and provided for his family. But other than that, he was a blob. Sometimes, when his non-Jewish son Harley irked him, he emitted a Brooklyn-accented warning growl: "HAWWW-LEEEE..."

But that was it.

His children never seemed to like him, even when they were young. They certainly despised him when they were older.

Toward the end of his life, this man developed mental & physical debilitation.

Due to the expense, his non-Jewish wife resisted getting care-assistance for him, despite her physical inability to care for him properly. (She was also getting old.)

A couple of months prior to his death, his non-Jewish thirtysomething-year-old son finally had it out with him, yelling at him that he was miserly and that the son was sick of the father being such a tightwad.

(The inciting incident was the son's purchase of $400 dollar tickets to attend a ball game.)

I seriously questioned the appropriateness of such a confrontation when one's father is in a both physically & mentally decrepit state.

Childhood resentments aside, it seems kind of mean.

Anyway, he died before his fake-convert wife really needed to hire professional assistance, so everyone was relieved.

And no one misses him in the least.

That's sad, but it is the most expected result based on the way he lived his life.

To me, his whole life seemed sad & meaningless (and a bit grumpy).

Anyway, I'm not a mekubal and never will be, but since learning about the pinteleh Yid and all that, it has been hard for me to accept that this somewhat grouchy indolent blob is from zera Avraham.

The fact that he left absolutely no Jewish continuation, and that the one Jewish child he produced never displayed any connection to Judaism and also died with no Jewish continuation hints something to me.

I can't know for sure, but I'm with the Rambam in this particular case.

"You Know, Some of My Relatives are Jewish..."

I think we've all met people with surprising histories.

There are the people converting to Judaism who discover a possible Jewish ancestor, whether a mother who gave them up for adoption or a long-dead great-great-great grandmother.

A chassidic friend of mine was approached by a co-worker who said, "I see that you're Jewish. You know, some of my relatives are Jewish."

"Oh?" said my friend. "Like who?"

"Like my mother," came the reply.

His Jewish mother married a non-Jew, then she died when he was a toddler. His non-Jewish father made a second marriage to a non-Jewish woman, who raised this man as her son.

So he felt he was fully non-Jewish.

Fortunately, my chassidic friend managed to gently break the startling news of his true identity to him and he showed up at her and her husband's Pesach Seder that year.

Jews Under Cover in the Middle East

My husband & I once found ourselves in a taxi driven by an apparent Muslim-Arab from near the French Colony in Yerushalayim.

In the course of conversation, he revealed that his mother's mother was a Jew from Yemen.

After a brief pause, my husband asked him if he realized that made him Jewish?

Yes, he was aware of that. But he was well-entrenched in the Muslim-Arab lifestyle, including marriage to a Muslim-Arab woman, with whom he had children.

There is actually a lot of that with Yemenites.

One of my sons, who attends a yeshivah with many Yemenites, said that literally everyone has a story of an aunt or great-aunt who was taken by Muslims in Yemen and forcibly absorbed into the Muslim community.

Yemen borders on Saudi Arabia and these borders are new, relatively speaking. Based on some of the pro-Judaism attitudes coming from some Saudis today, one cannot help but wonder whether they are descendants of stolen Yemenite Jewish girls.

The truth is that families all over the Muslim world have stories like this.

Rav Alon Anava has mentioned his own family's story, explaining how because of this, he has Jewish cousins is Syria & Lebanon who think they are Muslim.

My sister-in-law's aunt or great-aunt suffered the same fate in Morocco. She was forcibly married to a Muslim.

A couple of years back, one of this abducted woman's sons contacted the Jewish relatives in Eretz Yisrael.

They accepted him with open arms, but he betrayed their trust somehow (my sister-in-law didn't go into any detail) and they felt they could not trust him in their homes.

He returned to Morocco, leaving his mother's Jewish family members feeling disappointed & exploited.

"All in all, he was raised as an Arab," she explained to me. "That's his identity and value system. He could not relate to us at all and was just trying to use the situation to his advantage."

Heart-Breaking True Story

On the subject of Yemenite Jewish girls being abducted:

We know a man who's great-aunt in Yemen was taken by Muslims. She was around 11-13-years-old.

One of the things they did to break these girls was to force them to eat non-kosher food. (Then it was easier to forcibly marry them off to a Muslim and all that followed.)

But this Jewish girl refused.

So they locked her in the cellar and told her she couldn't come out until she would eat their non-kosher food.

She died in that cellar.

A 110-Year-Old Mystery

Then there is the story of Ann Harrison, one of the children adopted from the now-famous Orphan Train.

orphantraindepot.org/history/orphan-train-rider-stories/ann-harrison-mabel-rubin/

Born Mabel Rubin to Jennie Rubin from Russia & Moe Cohen from New York, she was almost certainly Jewish, but baptized and raised by church-going Americans from the time she was a baby, Mabel-Ann clearly lost all her Jewish identity.

Even when she discovered her real roots, it seems like she never returned.

She had at least one daughter, Judy. Did Judy also have a daughter? It doesn't say.

But this probably-Jewish girl born in 1909 could easily have Jewish descendants today.

Maybe she has descendant that are converting or thinking of converting, with no knowledge that they are actually Jewish.

On the other hand, if you go by the Rambam, you could also postulate that the reason why Mabel-Ann was basically lost to the Jewish people is because she is actually not from zera Avraham, despite the seemingly Jewish ancestry of her mother.

How's that for a whole big hodge-podge of "Only God knows"?

The Undiscovered Baby Exchange

Then there are the Jews who aren't really Jews.

(Yes, we're getting back to where this post started.)

When Irish-Catholic Alice Collins Plebuch took a DNA test for fun in 2012, she discovered that her proud Irish-Catholic father was most likely an Ashkenazi Jew.

Research nixed any possibility of illegitimate relationships or a hidden adoption.

It took years and a couple of lucky "coincidences" to discover the truth.

To make a long & convoluted story very short:

In September 1919 at the Fordham Hospital in New York, the Irish Catholic baby Jim Collins was accidentally switched with the Jewish baby Phillip Benson.

The identifying mother-baby bracelets standard for today only came about in the 1930s-40s.

In 1919, hospital births weren't common and certain practices hadn't yet developed. Hospitals relied on the nurse's memory and mother's facial recognition to determine whose baby was whose.

So the Jewish family went home with a non-Jewish baby.

Did they ever suspect he wasn't really theirs?

No one knows, but interestingly, the parents of his first wife Esther Abulafia did not believe he was Jewish when they first met him.

Of course, they had nothing on which to rely their suspicions. They met the Bensons and saw that they were bona fide Jews.

As far as the Bensons were concerned, this person was their biological son.

Except that he wasn't.

Think about that.

And think about how that probably wasn't the only time that happened.

(Even Rabbi Meir Lehmann has a based-on-a-true-story book about such a switch — I think it's called Del Monte.)

Furthermore, I wrote a post a long time ago with other stories along these lines:
Only Hashem Knows, So Just Stick Close to Him

The Non-Jewish Yeshivah Bachur

I think we've all heard of situations, like the guy shteiging away at a yeshivah for baalei teshuvah who only informs his rosh yeshivah after 2 years that he's adopted; his Jewish identity isn't biological but adopted.

In many cases, the person converts. (The guy in the above example converted & is an exceptionally fine Jew.)

But what if the issue hadn't been caught?

Or what if his parents hadn't told him he'd been adopted? (That happens less nowadays; but still.)

I heard that Rav Tauber has a story of a yeshivah bachur who discovered that his mother's conversion wasn't kosher.

Everyone was sure he'd convert.

But he didn't.

And what if that issue hadn't been caught? How would things have continued?

Looking to Our Tzaddikim & Their Tefillot for Guidance

This is one of MANY things for which we are waiting for Mashiach to sort out.

The Phillip Benson-Jim Collins switch is the most chilling.

Esther Abulafia's parents are described as observant.

The initially expressed suspicions as to their future son-in-law's Jewish identity.

Yet their daughter unknowingly married a non-Jew.

She didn't want to.

Her parents didn't want her to.

But she did.

How on earth can one prevent such a hidden mix-up from happening?

Practically speaking, the best advice is found in our tefillot.

Looking over tefillot for parents to say for their children, I was struck by how concerned the tzaddikim were for ALL the future generations until the end of time.

For example, the Admor and author of Archot Aharon includes in his prayer a plea that one's children will merit spouses from mishpachot kasherot v'hagunot (kosher and halachically proper families).

Rav Eliezer Papo, author of Pele Yoetz, composed several prayers for parents to say for their children, which also included kol yotzei chalatzeinu (everyone to issue from us) and kol zereinu v'chol hanilavim eleinu (all our seed and all those attached to us -- i.e, those who join our family, via marriage, etc.) to be without any blemish. (He even includes a plea for all descendants to be from zera anashim — human origin — a topic beyond the scope of this post.)

In Sefer Tzavat Abba, page 24, the tefillah includes a plea for there to be nothing passul (nothing flawed that nullifies one's descendants) "in my seed and in the seed of my seed until the end of all generations, and may there not come into our hands and not into our seed and not to the seed of our seed until the end of the generations any transgression and passul and ugly thing..."

The book Tefillah L'Ani offers a prayer for "our sons and our daughters, our grandsons and our granddaughters, and about all that issues from us until the end of the generations." It asks that we merit "holy and pure neshamot" that are clean from "kol shemetz shel pagam" (any and all speck of blemish).

"Neshamot" implies specifically Jewish souls. The above prayer repeats the whole "ad sof kol hadorot" (until the end of the generations) several times.

In reading all the tefillot written by tzaddikim for parents to say over their children, it's impossible to miss their concern for completely kosher zera throughout all generations until the end of time.

Clearly, they foresaw the problems we've been seeing on a sharp rise over the past 150 years.

And again, there are hints in these prayers not only about obviously halachically forbidden unions (non-Jews & mamzerim & betrothed/married women), but spiritually undesirable unions (like with Erev Rav or non-human beings, etc).

In short, there's a lot to daven for.

So for those of us concerned about this issue (and I think it IS a concern, especially nowadays), we've got these beautiful prayers to help us out.

And other than that, we'll need to wait for Mashiach to come and sort us all out.

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Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Vayeilech: Why is Material Abundance So Incredibly Dangerous? And What the Heck are We Supposed to Do About It?

4/10/2019

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In this week's Parshas Vayeilech – Test of Abundance, Rav Avigdor Miller offers some very interesting insights.

First of all, he explains that the Chivi nation (one of the 7 Canaanite nations within Eretz Yisrael before the Jews entered as a Torah Nation) were soil-experts.

Different kinds of vegetation needs different kinds of soil. Some need more alkaline soil, some need more acidic soil.

Chivi comes from the Aramaic word for "snake": chivya. These Chivim would taste the soil (like how snakes lick dust) and based on that, they decided what to plant there.

Rav Avigdor Miller paints a picture of this ancient Eretz Yisrael (pg. 2):

And so, in Cana’an were found the biggest agricultural experts that ever lived.

And because they put everything they had into beautifying the land, the whole land became like one big garden.

They terraced every hill, every mountainside, in Eretz Yisroel.

There wasn’t a span of earth that was uncultivated. And the very best produce grew there.

It was a remarkable thing what they made from that land.

If we could take a look at the land as it was when the Bnei Yisroel entered, we would have gasped in amazement at the remarkable fertility of that land.

The Golan Heights (courtesy of Joe Markiewicz)

And this was precisely the problem for Am Yisrael.

What is an Even Bigger Threat than the & Canaanite Nations?

What was the biggest danger Am Yisrael faced upon entering the Land?

The occultist human-sacrificing warrior Canaanite nations?

Nope. Hashem dealt with them.

The biggest danger was being given this botanical Land flowing with milk and honey, this fruitful Land dotted with beautiful homes.

As it says in the parsha to Am Yisrael: You'll eat. You'll even be satiated. And you'll be able to eat so much, you'll get fat.

And then you'll turn to the gods of others.

"Hishamru! Watch out!" says Hashem in the parsha. "Lest your minds will be led astray."

Rav Miller comments (pg. 3)

When there’s plenty to eat, that’s when people have to watch out.

Then Rav Miller enumerates different societies: the Mayans, the Ancient Egyptians, the ancient Greeks, the Romans...they all self-destructed after they got wealthy.

It's true that when Americans needed to work for their food, they were better off, ethically speaking.

Prior to the 20th century, Americans loved Mishlei/Proverbs & Kohelet/Ecclesiastes, naming their children from Tanach or after middot lauded in Mishlei. ("Charity" & "Patience" used to be popular names for girls, while "Reason" & "Truth" were popular for boys.)

Basic manners were prized, as were the embodiment of Mishlei middot like humility, honesty, and integrity.

Women provided a natural barrier to negative social behavior, with men curbing their behavior and speech around females, and the expectation to behave with chivalry meant that men needed to treat women with extra courtesy & selflessness - and sometimes, even with courage in situations which demanded the protection of females.

Women too were expected to behave in a dignified manner with appearance, which encouraged dignified male treatment.

All this is looked down upon in modern society, to the harm of both men & women, though most won't admit this.

And while so many old-fashioned names have come back in style (including Biblical ones like Elijah and truly strange ones like Atticus), the "virtue" names are some of the only old-fashioned names NOT being used.

And while people will name their children any other name, no matter how strange, people just aren't interested in naming their children Patience or Reason. Scarlet? Yes. Chastity? No.

(In fact, one baby-name website discourages people from using the name "Chastity," calling it "so weird, it's cruel," while another insists that it will cause the child deep psychological problems later in life. Yet the first website sees nothing wrong with the "L" name of a well-known demoness, which has become increasingly popular for American girls in recent years. And yes, the origin of the name is clearly stated, yet apparently it's not considered weird or cruel to call your daughter that name.)

It's a sign of the times.

Furthermore, it's ironic that amid the greatest food abundance in history, eating disorders like anorexia & bulimia have become serious threats. You'd expect obesity in a society bursting with easy access to abundant food, but starvation and purging?

Only societies with an overabundance of food can afford such eating disorders in such large percentages.

What is the Big Danger of Material Abundance?

At the same time, Rav Miller cautions us to appreciate America for all it has given the Jewish people: the freedom to build kosher shuls, kosher schools, and walk as a Jew down the street.

(Unfortunately, this is changing in America. But at the time of Rav Miller it was still true and let's face it: The current upswing in hateful acts against Jews is still not what it was in many places in Europe in the 20s & 30s.)

But throughout the dvar Torah, Rav Miller emphasizes that material abundance is a terrible danger.

Material abundance even causes people to forget Hashem.

They rebel against Hashem.

And if you look at the children of billionaires, you see a lot of issues with drugs, eating disorders, petty crime, and wanton behavior.

Even princesses have had children out of wedlock and it's no longer something they need to hide.

And with so much money at their disposal, why don't they make major donations to change lives?

I don't mean show-donations (where the money gets funneled into the pockets of the organizers or stolen by thugs) or creating not-terribly-useful make-me-look-good charities; I mean really changing lives & even societies for the better by channeling their money and their skills in the right way.

But no, they focus on their hobbies and their parties and, for some of them, their celebrity status & their brands.

The Callow Kasha

I admit that when I first became frum, I didn't understand making a shehechiyanu on a new outfit.

"You just go into a store, try it on, pay for it, then take it home and wear it. What's the big deal?" I didn't understand how it was different than buying a bakery cake.

(I'm a bit embarrassed now by my naive lack of understanding & appreciation back then.)

I expressed my puzzlement to a couple hosting me one Shabbos, and they chuckled good-naturedly, then explained that in the not-so-distant past, a new piece of clothing was a big deal. Accessing & choosing fabric, plus all the manual labor than went into it — it was a VERY big deal.

The metaphorical light bulb snapped on, and I immediately understand how callow I was — without even realizing or meaning to be.

My family was "just" suburban middle-class, but even that was too much in the sense that Rav Miller means. Because I didn't appreciate exactly what a new outfit meant, I couldn't understand thanking Hashem for it in a whole special bracha. (Back then. Now I get it.)

And that's just a small example of how material abundance distances you from Hashem if you're not careful.

When "Kosher" Mediocrity isn't Enough

On page 10, Rav Miller explains the main name for the yetzer hara: chatat. (Or chatas, if you're Ashkenazi.)

You come across the word cheit a lot in Torah literature. It's usually translated as "sin."

But these related words (chatat & cheit) actually mean:

“to miss out” — to not utilize the opportunity of life to become something.

Rav Miller stresses that if you're not trying to achieve personal completion in life, if you're not trying to intensify your awareness of Hashem, then you're missing out.

You can really end up sinning when you just settle for "kosher" mediocrity.

Rav Miller explains that experiences like Yom Kippur & teshuvah cleanse you of sin. Gehinnom also cleanses you of sin. It's painful & takes a while, but it cleanses.

Yet being clean isn't enough.

To really make it into Gan Eden, we need to step up our game.

On page 11:

To live in the World to Come you must have accomplishment. And that’s the big test, the most important test in this world — are you making something from yourself? If a person fails to accomplish, for that he can never atone!

He doesn't mean you can't do teshuvah for not living up to your full potential.

You can always change yourself for the better!

He means that at the end of the day, if you were meant to be a big baalat chessed or write sparkling chiddushim, yet you were texting or surfing instead, atonements cannot turn you into a baalas chessed or a talmid chacham. They can only cleanse you of the sin.

But they can't accomplish what you could have had you made the effort.

A List of Meaningful Activities

On page 12, Rav Miller elaborates on the types of meaningful things people could do with their time:

attend shiurim
listen to mussar
increase daat
learn Torah
learn halachot
increase Torah
increase yirat Shamayim
learn Chumash properly
learn Mishnayot properly
learn a little bit of Gemara (at least)

For women specifically, he adds:

read good books
increase knowledge of lessons in Tanach
increase knowledge of lessons in history
increase knowledge of yirat Shamayim

Rav Miller adds:

The Gra told his daughters to learn mussar seforim. Absolutely; it’s very important. A girl, a woman can become very great in acquiring a Torah mentality, a Torah mind, no less than a man.

Following the above, it should be emphasized that Rav Miller was no apologist.

He said whatever he understood was the Torah truth, even if it made people mad, even if they rejected him, left his shul, stopped talking to him, and wrote him angry letters or subjected him to angry phone calls or subjected him to public disagreement carried out in a disrespectful manner or called him names.

He was like a superpower locomotive charging down the iron track of daas Torah; nothing could stop him or derail him.

So when Rav Miller states that, just by virtue of learning whatever she should learn and coming close to Hashem, a woman can become very great in acquiring "a Torah mentality, a Torah mind, no less than a man"...you can certainly take him at his word.

He's not blubbering up to the feminists. He darn well means what he says.

What is a Cheit?

The great sin we need to teshuvah for on Yom Kippur, says Rav Miller, is the tragic cheit of not accomplishing enough spiritually.

Yes, he asserts that forgetting to say ya'aleh v'yaavo in Rosh Chodesh davening or letting grumpy word slip to your spouse are indeed sins for which we must regret and ask forgiveness (also from the spouse).

All the things we did wrong or forgot must be included in Yom Kippur.

But the main thing, the big life-transforming cheit, is that of missed opportunity.

It is all the times we could have done something good, but didn't.

It is all the times we could have spent our time meaningfully, but didn't.

It was all the opportunities we had to increase our closeness to and awareness of Hashem...but didn't.

More Than Just Frum: How to be a Real Success

Then Rav Miller elaborates on the lifestyle of kosher entertainment.

This is the big challenge of our generation.

We have so much. What do we do with it?

For those who can afford it, there are kosher cruises with "kosher" entertainment. There are 5-start hotels glatt l'mehadrin. There are amazing European vacations — all glatt l'mehadrin, no gebruchts, separate swimming, Shabbos locks on the doors, etc. etc.

We have kosher movies, kosher novels, kosher circuses, kosher comedy, kosher designer clothing and accessories, kosher treifus (if you know what I mean).

Women can totally knock your eyes out today (according to the creme de le creme of goyishe standards), while technically covering her knees, elbows, and hair. She may not even look frum or like she's covering her hair.

American have Sundays to fill. Many frum schools make Sunday a half-day of learning for the boys (which comes with its own challenges, BTW), but Sundays can still offer frum families the opportunities for glatt entertainment & other activities.

Boating, fishing, shopping — these aren't evil or sinful, but are these really activities a Torah Jew should be indulging on a regular basis? (I mean as regular lifestyle and not as an occasional rejuvenating activity.)

In the modern Orthodox community from which I initially entered into Orthodoxy, Motzai Shabbos was definitely movie night, either going out to the theater or renting a video at home.

Of course, it stands to reason that a person might occasionally need a kosher venue as a break from a truly stressful life. People struggling with family illness might take advantage of Sukkot in a hotel with all the amenities, for example.

The phenomenally hospitable & unmaterialistic Machlis family spent Pesach in a hotel in order to have true family time together & to really pass on the Pesach mesorah.

But pages 10-14 elaborate on all the ways many precious Jews get caught up materialism. Even when it's combined with spiritual meaning, it doesn't always justify the means or the ends. Sometimes, yes. But not always.

On page 14, Rav Miller states:

In order to make something out of yourself, you need time; you need a mind, you need to be free to work on thinking about Hakodosh Boruch Hu, thinking about all of the great Torah principles we talk about in this place.

And if you’re too busy with the unnecessary luxuries of this world so you become arrogant with satiation and it’s impossible to succeed.

You might be frum, very frum, even very very frum, but a success you won’t be.

Live So You'll Have No Regrets in the Next World

On page 15, Rav Miller describes what Hashem will ask us:

Did you engage in this study?
Did you learn about Me?
Did you use your gift of free-will when you had before you such a wonderful world of lessons, lessons in the sky, lessons on the earth, and lessons in the Torah?
Did you utilize them?

And Rav Miller urges us to think about the consequences of our answers, like if we say, "I was traveling, I was on the phone, I was so busy shopping for a new outfit for Yom Tov!"

If you've ever felt regret in This World, imagine what regret in like in the Next when you have no screen of denial, no unconscious back-of-the-mind in which to bury it, no excuses...

Happily Ever After? Living Without Gets You There.

Rav Miller makes a statement that he admits many will find extremist, but he says that whatever you can accustom yourself to living without, you should live without.

Sure, there are some things you need to make life easier. A big enough washing machine, a dryer when you have several children — all these make a massive difference.

I've lived with a too-small washing machine and no dryer, so I saw that these things aren't luxuries per se. It depends. Sometimes, it makes the difference between a well-run home and a poorly-run home. Same thing with air-conditioning — mothers have personally told me that they speak & behave so much more nicely when the air-conditioning is on during a hot humid day. These aren't ladies who need custom shaitels or cars (in Eretz Israel, of course; cars are a necessity in the USA).

On pages 17-18, Rav Miller describes what was considered wealthy back when he was in Lithuania pre-WWII. (Lots of challah in milk — a sure sign of abundance!) And poor meant that a child could not have a second slice of bread. And that's how it was.

As an aside, I remember it took me years to get out of the habit & mentality of "going out" Motzai Shabbos. Not movies or anything unkosher at all, just going out.

Again, there's nothing innately wrong with it, and it can even be a good refreshing activity when necessary, but it's like Rav Miller said: If you don't need it, try to wean yourself off it.

Ultimately, it wasn't my choice.

I was in a place in which nothing was open Motzai Shabbos, and sometimes I felt like I would jump out of my skin or scream if I couldn't go out somewhere.

Sometimes, I went walking Motzai Shabbos, either by myself or with my husband or a friend. And that was really good exercise, plus air after being in the house most of the day.

And now, I rarely have the urge to "go somewhere" Motzai Shabbos.

Frankly, I don't think it would have been so bad if I would've gone out somewhere during those times I was jumping out of my skin, but it just wasn't an option.

And now it's fine.

On pages 18-19, Rav Miller explains the symbolism of bowing in Shemoneh Esrei.

It's very worth reading the entire dvar Torah. If you don't get a chance to read it before Shabbat, at least read it before Yom Kippur.

It's very, very helpful.

As always, all credit for all quotes goes to Toras Avigdor.

Even the biggest jar of honey can't sweeten this apple. Try to do without as much as you can.

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The #1 Way to Deal with Anger & Other Intense Negative Emotions

16/9/2019

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I have not found a better antidote to fight the middah of anger than emuna.

Knowing that everything is from Hashem and thus for my benefit does a lot to dampen any fire swelling up in my heart.

It doesn't mean that I win the battle against anger every single time, but a lot of progress has been made over the years, baruch Hashem.

But emuna doesn't only mean knowing that everything is from Hashem and therefore, of benefit. It also means knowing that there is a message from Hashem too.

That initial flash of temper or seething indignation are a pressing doorbell being rung by the Creator Himself.

What is He trying to tell me?

Things that Make You Seethe

For example, whenever I took the bus at a certain time, there was always the same girl on either side of age 20 with her cell phone out and her rotund self positioned in that empty square in the middle of the bus meant for baby strollers.

If one mommy got on the bus with a stroller, the girl moved to the side.

But if another mommy with a stroller got on, the girl did not move out of the way so that the second mommy could fit her stroller in too.

And yes, the girl noticed. She still didn't make room for the stroller.

And yes, the mommies glanced at her because her behavior was so unusual (and also hoping she would let the second one in), but she didn't seem to notice.

And this is especially weird in the frum community (this was a very modernish-looking frum girl) because the girls are raised to be sensitive about this scenario and many have seen their mothers struggle with strollers on the bus, and many have also struggled with taking their younger siblings on the bus in a stroller.

So it's very bizarre to see a frum girl behaving with such a lack of consideration in this area.

And this kind of thing really, really bothers me.

It makes me seethe inside — especially when I see how hard it is for the second mommy to keep her balance, holding onto a pole and also trying to keep her unsecured stroller from swinging around (and keeps glancing at the girl, clearing wondering why she doesn't make room for the stroller).

And I learned over the years not to fight someone else's fight unless they really need me to. I learned the hard way that it's not always best to speak up every time I see something like this, even though I know how to do it quietly & gently.

Israeli society is an assertive society, and Israelis don't usually need me to stand up for them — unless I see that one really is too timid to stand up for herself (especially if it's a child or preteen). Then I'll come to their aid. But in this kind of situation, these women are perfectly capable of politely asking the girl if she could move a bit.

But they don't.

And I'm seething.

So according to Torah Judaism what should I do?

1) Giving the Benefit of the Doubt

Giving the benefit of the doubt is usually the first thing on the list.

Maybe the space-hogging girl doesn't notice? That's common enough.

But as I look at the girl, I find it hard to believe that she really doesn't notice. Yes, she's involved with her cell phone, but not all the time. She does look up and she does see them.

Maybe she has some kind physical problem or pain that makes sitting or going up the step to the back section after the stroller-square uncomfortable?

But she seems to get off the bus with no problem at all, and that involves a pretty steep step.

Okay, so maybe she has a problem with sitting AND a balance problem, so standing in the square is the most comfortable and secure place for her?

In that type of situation, the person sometimes apologizes and offers a brief explanation why they aren't accommodating others. But people don't always feel comfortable explaining themselves, so they don't. So maybe that's how she is too.

And that's the best I could come up with, even though she doesn't look like she's struggling with knee or hip or balance issues.

But you really never know. I think we've all been surprised before by people who really seemed fine, but actually weren't.

2) Pray for the Seethe-Inducing "Sinner"

Anyway, at this point, I've gone as far as I can with giving the benefit of the doubt.

And I'm still seething.

And it happens every time with this same girl.

And I seethe!

The next step is to mentally say a little prayer that the girl does teshuvah on her own with no negative impetus; she should just awaken on her own.

But despite my heartfelt tefillahs, she still rudely hogs the stroller area.

3) What is Hashem Trying to Tell Me?

So the next step is to ponder the message Hashem has for me.

After all, it's no coincidence that I'm faced with this seethe-inducing situation.

And it's no coincidence that, despite being an assertive society, these Israeli mommies don't say a word to her, or even cast nasty glares her way.

Why am I faced with this specific scenario?

So I try to think of situations in which maybe I am doing something obviously inconsiderate that literally everyone else knows better not to do, while I remain oblivious.

And though I am far from perfect, I couldn't think of an inconsideration as blatant as this.

So the next time I spoke with Hashem, I brought this up.

And I got the following straight-between-the-eyes message...

Look Up! Take Notice! And GET MOVING.

As Jews, we know we are all in the same boat together.

One Jew's actions (for better or for worse) affect every single other Jew.

Just one more transgression on the part of one Jew can tip the scales toward harsh decrees in Heaven.

Yet just one more good deed on the part of one Jew can tip the Heavenly scales toward merit & compassion — toward Geula.

That one mitzvah might be the last stone in the building of the Heavenly Beit Hamikdash that brings it down to Earth.

Likewise, I realized that Hashem was telling me to clean up my act.

Yes, I've made spiritual progress over the years.

But I need to step up my game.

I don't own a smartphone, but I can certainly miss the mark in other ways.

Hashem was basically telling me:
"How can you just stand there? Look up! Pay attention to your fellow Jews! For better or for worse, your actions affect them & the Nation's Heavenly Scales as much as your actions affect your own Heavenly Judgement. Please be less self-absorbed. When you don't do the right thing, you inconvenience your fellow Jews in ways you don't even perceive. If you can't have mercy on your own soul, at least have mercy on the souls of others. So please wake up and get moving!"

And guess what?

I haven't seen her since.

Maybe it's because I got the message?

The Lesser You vs. The Greater You: Pick One

So that was really, really good mussar for me.

I was just like, "Whoa! Wake-up call!"

(Just for clarification: I do work on myself, but apparently I need to step up my game. No surprise there.)

And that's fine.

But the point of this is that had I been like my old self, I would've just continued to seethe, hate that girl for being mean to mommies and babies (and kind of endangering them by not allowing their stroller to be in a secure place).

Maybe I would have said something to her, maybe not, but I would've been really angry with NO purpose to that emotion.

And therefore, NO GROWTH.

And then you know how it goes:

Theoretically, I would just vent to my husband or my friends or even on Facebook or Twitter (neither of which I use; this is a theoretical example) with this whole What-is-the-world-coming-too? tone and huff about how it's even a FRUM girl, and what's wrong with the frum community today?

(Even though she is the ONLY girl I've ever seen do this in this way, so how on earth does that reflect on the entire frum community? Does ONE consistently thoughtless girl in over 2 decades of living in frum communities make a generalization all of the sudden?)

Maybe I would even surreptitiously photograph the girl with the smartphone (which I don't own in reality) and upload the image to social media accompanied by some kind of outraged quip followed by lots of !!!!!!!!!! or ?????????.

And again, with absolutely no to'elet whatsoever.

And no growth!

In fact, the opposite: Indulging in such angry & self-righteous & obsessive behavior actually makes us smaller and lesser people.

Just dumping a whole lot meaningless negativity all over myself and other people?

That stunts spiritual growth.

But because of Rav Shalom Arush and the writings and shiurim of other real Torah Jews, I was finally able to at least start to develop spiritual tools to deal with anger and anger-inducing situations:

Give the benefit of the doubt as far as you can (WITHOUT justifying truly forbidden behavior).
Daven for that person to improve.
Look for the message: What is Hashem trying to tell ME? Because despite appearances, it's not as much about the other person as we tend to assume.

Again, not that I do this splendidly every time. I don't. (In fact, with the above situation, it took several times of seeing this before I could fully complete Step 3. And even after completing Steps 1 & 2, I was still seething!)

And that's fine.

You have to start somewhere.

If you find yourself with the tendency to indulge in anger, self-righteousness, huffiness, obsessive thinking, and all that, then you're not going to overcome all that in a day.

But you need to start.

How?

You just see these challenges as a way to connect to Hashem, and then you go for it.

May we all succeed in completing our soul tikkun in this gilgul without nisayon or bizayon.

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What is the Only Way to Hold on Tight When the Rope Starts Shaking?

10/9/2019

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Looking at what's going on in the world, I find myself growing increasingly concerned for the future.

And I'm far from being the first to come to this conclusion.

Right now, I don't want to go into the nitty-gritty of what we're all seeing and what I think it portends, but I do want to talk about the best response.

And it's not about prepping or making aliyah (which most Jews either won't or can't do right now anyway — and who even says that the Erev Rav leaders would allow millions of Jews, especially if they're frum, to enter?) or writing letters to representatives or newspapers, or signing petitions, and so forth.

(Although if those things will help, then it's good to do them. But they shouldn't be your sole focus.)

There's a lot we can't control and I think this creeping inability to positively affect opinions & situations is only going to increase.

So it's time to re-focus on an age-old authentically Jewish response:

HANG ON TO YOUR EMUNA

Looking back at the classic parable by Rebbe Elimelech of Lizhensk (author of the classic Noam Elimelech):

He said that the End of Days will feel like a rope being jerked around.

Only the people who can hold on tight will make it.

This means that you already need to be holding on to the rope when it starts jerking & shaking.

Sure, if you're not already holding on, you can always make a lunge for the rope, hoping to grab onto it as it wildly whips around.

And maybe you'll find a place to grasp. Some people will, I'm sure.

But that's pretty risky.

Better to grab on to the rope NOW.

And to take the metaphor even further:

Who has a better chance of hanging on:

the person with only their index finger curled around the rope?

the person who has wrapped their arms and legs around the rope and clings to it for dear life?

Or even better:

the person who coiled that part of the rope around them, so even if their hands slip, they still can't fall off?

I don't know Hashem's Secrets & Cheshbonot, nor do I know the soul-tikkun of others, but it seems to me that part of the reason why so many people are having such a hard time, not just with obvious nisayonot, but with inner trials too.

Their moods, their perceptions, their feelings...

So many people struggle with depression, despair, disappointment, anger, lethargy, apathy, feelings of rejection, loneliness, and distance from Hashem, and so on.

But those of you who fight your way out of these pits (even when you fall in again for the umpteenth time) are actually forging your connection to Hashem.

In other words, you are securing your grip on the rope.

It may not feel like it, but you are.

And that's exactly what we all need to strengthen ourselves to continue doing.

I'm not trying to be the Voice of Doom.

But if Mashiach doesn't come already, I think things are going to get increasingly more bizarre & difficult in the not-so-distant future.

And I think that focusing on strengthening our relationship with Hashem is a positive way of facing that future.

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You as a Special Forces Soldier in Hashem's Army

5/9/2019

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Note: This post is basically a follow-up to this one: The Importance of Letting Go & Letting God Decide What is Beautiful. Let God (and not Paris or the NYT) Decide If an Act Sanctifies His Name...or Soils It.

One of the funny things about Judaism is how it aims to achieve complete rectification of the entire Universe, from the simplest level to the most profound — and that this rectification is mostly carried out by very regular, flawed people.

People with a special Jewish neshamah? Yes.

But perfected people? Nope. Not yet anyway.

Hidden sparks need to be released, whether by saying a heartfelt 3-second blessing over a cup of water or by converting with heartfelt kavanah to accept all the mitzvot of the Torah.

There are many other acts, both deceptively simple and unfathomably difficult, that release trapped sparks, leading to the tikkun of the entire Universe.

And while we have our exceptional people, and even tzaddikim, most of this all-encompassing tikkun is carried out by regular Jews.

Holy Jews, yes. But also flawed.

Ordinary People Committed to an Extraordinary Mission

This tremendously heavy & all-encompassing mission is actually a compilation of a great many missions.

And as stated above, it is mostly being accomplished by holy yet FLAWED people.

With so much to do & of such importance, some things fall by the wayside or short-cuts get taken.

In other words, normal Torah Jews juggle so much, they sometimes drop the ball.

And that is NORMAL.

We have to stop demonizing ourselves and others for dropping the ball.

Please note: Tzaddikim have perfected themselves to the point where they don't drop the ball. They don't take short-cuts.

B'ezrat Hashem, we'll all reach that level.

But until then, we can't nitpick at each other's imperfections & struggles as long as we're all trying.

People on ALL Levels Trying to Accomplish a Mind-Boggling Tikkun

So for example, everyone needs to keep Shabbat.

And to do so demands a certain amount of organization & energy.

Some lucky people not only possess a natural ability to organize their lives & thrive on projects, they were also raised by parents who provided of good example of what ideal Shabbos preparations look like.

Others may possess the natural energy & ability to organize their lives & the an innate tendency to thrive on projects, but they never experienced the ideal example (whether because their family was always careening into Shabbat by the skin of their teeth or because they weren't raised with Shabbat).

Still others were raised to prepare for Shabbat in an ideal manner, yet they lack the innate energy & ability to organize, and they lack an enjoyment of projects and To-Do lists. So they technically know how, but it's a weekly challenge to get themselves to do it properly because their innate nature puts up resistance.

And still others lack both the energy & natural ability to organize, plus they feel stressed-out (rather than energized) by the tasks they face each week in honor of Shabbat. In addition, they have no rolemodel or positive conditioning for Shabbat-prep (again, either because their family didn't model organized preparations or because they didn't keep Shabbat).

So that last group has all the cards stacked against them.

Yet they too must prepare for & keep Shabbat.

And they too are a vital part of the necessary rectification.

Even if they careen into Shabbat in a disorganized, last-minute manner (which is not ideal), they are still participating in this all-important tikkun, with all its far-reaching rectifying ramifications.

As we all know: "Just one Shabbos and we'll all be free!"

If all Am Yisrael keeps one Shabbat, Mashiach will come.
(Shemot Rabbah 25:12, Yerushalmi Ta'anit 1:1)

This is true for the lovely, organized shomrei Shabbat and it is true for the disorganized, overwhelmed, and forgetful shomrei Shabbat.

Regardless of who you are & what you lack within you or without, you have been entrusted with the magnificent mission of rectifying the Universe through Shabbos.

Yes, even if you're not up to it and even if you keep stumbling around in it, you are still entrusted with this holy mission.

And we need to recognize this in each other too, even if we don't have those challenging issues.

Struggle Doesn't Make You Ugly

And this is true for every aspect of mitzvah-observance.

I think we've all noticed that different people excel at different mitzvot, while those same people really struggle with other mitzvot.

And different people struggle with different mitzvot for different reasons.

For example, some struggle with tsniut (dressing & behaving with dignity) due to a strong attraction toward the latest fashions and behaviors.

(Note: Tsnius applies to men too, but in a different way & less intensely than for women.)

Yet others struggle with tsnius because they can't be bothered with what feels like fussy details. These types may not give a whit about fashion, but they just want to be comfortable and get on with life. So it's genuinely hard for them to pay attention to whether their elbows, neckline, knees, and hair are covered just right.

Yet others just love tsnius and even look for extra measures to take on. They feel so good when their clothes, make-up (if they wear any), and behavior fit the standards of a Torah daughter of the King — even if by secular modern standards, they look quaint or frumpy.

But with the decreasing availability of tsnius clothes & shaitels, some women may be forced to take short-cuts. If the only tsnius shirt available is one with a less-than-flattering color or cut for her, then that's what she chooses.

Therefore, she may find it harder too look really good according to modern secular standards.

Because of this, she might have a less varied wardrobe too.

Many people don't like to hear this kind of thing.

It's common to say, "If it's really important, then you find the time/money/resources/motivation to do it."

People expect others (especially women) to jump through any & all hoops necessary just to achieve whatever they're expected to achieve in other people's minds.

And the expectations in all areas are very, very high.

But many people feel so overwhelmed that they're barely squeaking by emotionally and physically.

Yet they keep on trying their best.

And so you need to realize that Hashem finds them beautiful.

And if you're struggling to do it (even if you don't do it according to top standards), He finds you beautiful too.

Prioritizing

I once sat in a class in which an emotionally intense woman stated that she invests all her self-discipline in her students and her children, and doesn't feel she has much left for anyone else.

She is not innately patient or calm or deliberate. Yet with her children and students, she does everything she can to be more patient, calm, and deliberate, and to be the mother or teacher they need.

Yet this means that in other social situations, she acts more impulsively, she speaks out more and with less tact, she can come off as a bit overbearing, and so on. Yet she was never mean at all. She's a very good-hearted person.

But it takes all her strength to hold everything together for her kids and her students; so with others, the cracks start forming and the flawed stuff leaks out.

Now, it goes without saying that she needs to work on her middot ALL the time, and not just with her children & students. And she seems to realize that.

But she needs to start somewhere, and at that time, her initial focus was on her children & her students. Hopefully, she would eventually spread her focus toward others.

So was she right or wrong?

Well, she was both right & wrong.

And that's NORMAL! She's a work-in-progress — just like we all are.

The fact is that she's doing a tremendous amount: She's granting a good foundation in Judaism to little Jewish girls, she's raising a large family, she lives in the constant stress of financial constraint, she needs to be a good wife to her husband, she needs to give tzedakah, keep Shabbat, keep on top of the kashrut of the kitchen, she needs to guard her tongue, and much, much more.

And it's a lot!

And so certain things fall by the wayside and balls get dropped.

And what's true for her is true for all of us until we reach a certain level.

Different People Drop Different Balls

So you will see frum people who are doing so many good things, but still struggle with certain middot: the middot that they find most challenging, whether because of their innate nature or their upbringing or both.

So a Jew will constantly invest in many mitzvot, but may do at least one of the following:

say blessings or daven without proper kavanah
be forgetful
speak in an abrupt or less than tactful manner (I'm not talking about abuse or nastiness)
procrastinate
act hyper
get frazzled & stressed-out
eat too much
eat the wrong foods (and not out of lack of funds to buy healthier foods)
don't invest a great deal in their appearance
spend too much
spend too little
talk too much
misjudge situations
act impulsively
get trapped in indecision
be kind of messy
and much, much more.

And different people also hold different priorities about what they let slide.

You may not agree with them & I may not agree with them, and they may not agree with my or your priorities, but that's how it goes.

For example, people who tend to speak a bit too abruptly will tell you that they don't have the head-space or the patience to communicate differently. (Again, I'm not talking about people who enjoying shooting verbal barbs or hurting people.)

Often (though not always), they run their lives well and invest in good middot in other areas, but their communication style falls by the wayside as they feel overwhelmed by everything else.

Likewise, there are people who are such supportive, empathetic people with such good middot — yet you sure wouldn't want to be stuck sitting next to them on the airplane or a bus because their girth takes up so much room.

It's said that such people "eat" their negative feelings.

Many people don't realize that Chazal discusses achilah (eating) as a middah, just as you would discuss the middah of kinah (envy), which can be used either negatively or positively.

Eating is no different than other middot work.

I knew another person who was somewhat hyper & impulsive, with a bit of a stubborn streak that made her hard to deal with in certain situations.

But she was completely trustworthy never to speak a word of lashon hara. And I saw her in challenging situations, the kind in which even very good people tend to fail.

Not her.

She was amazing at guarding her tongue, whether regarding groups or individuals. She was also a very dedicated wife & mother. And she had an excellent work ethic.

All in all, she really meant to be a good person, and the areas which others found difficult were minor compared to her good points.

Do people need to work on all the behaviors listed above?

Yes, absolutely!

Including in the above examples, at some point, those people need to work on the communication style, their eating habits, and their hyperactivity.

Regardless of the fact that people need to work on all their middot, it's natural to still stumble in their weak points.

Some middot still fall by the wayside. (But hopefully, not for their whole life.)

Rectifying the Universe by the Skin of Your Teeth

So Jews who are doing the right thing overall and are at least trying to do the right thing are bringing about the rectification of the world.

And again, when you really think about it, it's funny that regular people are entrusted with this mission.

After all, we wouldn't send off an untrained soldier on a mission on which his whole country depends.

Look at America's Green Berets and all the training they must not only complete, but excel in before they are entrusted with their special missions.

Yet that's exactly the opposite of what Hashem does with us.

He sends us off on a life-long mission, sometimes with full resources, but just as often with very limited resources, and we need to develop the necessary resources along the way.

And we're supposed to continue this mission even when we're hungry, pregnant, sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, exhausted, overworked, ill, or suffering allergies or migraines.

And we are supposed to achieve rectification of the Universe in this way.

Pretty heavy stuff.

Today, many people feel like they're shooting in the dark.

They're sliding into base just as the ball hits the baseman's glove.

There is so much information available today — yet so much of it is contradictory. (And this doesn't even begin to cover the heavy-duty self-promotion behind this information; even if the information is pretty good, it might still need some adjustments.)

Finding what works for you in your individual situation is a challenge.

So you drop the ball, you take a short-cut, you stumble, you careen, you let something fall by the wayside...

As long as you are trying to fulfill your God-given mission of rectifying the Universe via Torah & mitzvot, you are very beautiful in Hashem's Eyes.

And so are the other flawed people who are trying their best to uphold the Torah's commands.

Image courtesy of Soorelis.

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