One evening, I went to put my 3-year-old to bed, but when I called him, he refused to answer.

After looking in a couple of rooms, I found him lying on a bunch of clean linens in the bottom drawer opened from his older siblings' trundle bed. (He'd been playing with his older siblings and after they'd dropped off to sleep, he decide he wanted to sleep in this drawer in the room with them, rather than going to his bed in another bedroom.)

I looked at him and he looked right back at me. Then he said, "I'm not here."

Restraining a laugh, I said, "Yes, you are here. I'm looking right at you."

Still looking me right in the eye, he arched his little eyebrows, shook his little head, and repeated, "No. I'm not here."

Recalling Rav Arush's observation that children mirror their parents qualities and behaviors (sometimes in an extremely magnified way and sometimes in a much more subtle way), I realized that my son was doing exactly what I tend to do to Hashem.

And I'm guessing I'm not the only one, either...

We know that Hashem is thoroughly Omnipotent and not only sees everything we do, He even knows our true motives because He sees exactly what's in our hearts and minds.

Yet despite our intellectual knowledge of this, we still do things we know He doesn't approve of.

It's exactly as silly as looking a parent in the eye while insisting, "I'm not here."

Except that when we do it as thinking adults, it's not nearly as cute or innocent as when a 3-year-old does it to his mother.

And although Hashem loves us even more than we love any of our children of any age, it's not cute or funny when we deny our culpability regarding prohibitions that are really important.

"Dum-de-dum-de-dum...I'm not really doing anything so bad, God...You can't really see me...I'm not really here doing what it looks like I'm doing...dum-de-dum-de-dum..."

But you are here. And He's looking right at you.

May we all succeed in maintaining a loving awareness of Hashem at all times.

Many of you probably know that over at K'ayal Ta'arog, the English site for Rav Ofer Erez, they've been encouraging us all to say "Thank You, Hashem!" for 100 things a day.

They suggest doing this for 40 days, thereby accumulating 4000 thank-you notes to God for your own merit and National merit.

But you can also do this for one day or forevermore.

Sometimes, it seems hard to think of 100 things or to avoid repeating the same 100 things every single day. (Although thanking Hashem for the same 100 things over and over also has its merits, seeing as we never tire of thanking Hashem for "hamotzi lechem min ha'aretz" or for creating the fruit of the vine/borei pri hagefen).

And remember:

It acknowledges that everything Hashem does is really for the good and for our best benefit even when it feels bad and to our detriment. It understandably feels that way at times, but in the scheme of things, it's actually beneficial and we'll only be able to understand it in the World to Come.

Anyway, when listing 100 things becomes too much of a challenge, it helps to think according to categories.

A category can consist of 5 or 10 or 20 things, whatever works for you.

For example, you can decided to make a list of 20 organs and body parts for which you're grateful, and then a list of 20 people for which you're grateful, and then a list of 10 colors for which you're grateful.

And that completes half your list of 100 right there.

So here are some more ideas for categories:

"Thank You, Hashem, for...":

• People (family, friends, rabbis, famous people, including people who passed away)
• Colors
• Body parts and internal organs
• Food
• Drinks
• Vegetables
• Fruits
• Nature (woods, sea, pebbles, flowers, bushes, etc)
• Animals
• Office supplies
• Things you like about your life
• Things you like about yourself
• Things you don't like about your life
• Things you don't like about yourself
• Cleaning supplies (window cleaner, upholstery spray, vacuum cleaners, bleach, etc)
• Electrical appliances
• Different forms of transportation
• Specific qualities you like about people you know
• Specific qualities you don't like about people you know
• Music
• Rabbis & Rebbetzins
• Books
• Clothes
• Anything else you can think of
  

Remember, listing things you don't like is actually a positive here and can even lighten that judgement or make it disappear completely. (It can do that, it can even do it immediately, but there are no guarantees. It depends what Hashem decides as best for you.)

For example, just listing stuff you hate about your life or people you know is really negative and impacts you negatively.

But saying, "Thank You, Hashem, that my baby is so relentlessly colicky. Thank You, Hashem, that my wife is so short-tempered when she's pregnant -- throughout the ENTIRE pregnancy! Thank You, Hashem, that my husband embarrasses me in public. Thank You, Hashem, that my child is so chutzpadik. Thank You, Hashem, that I am so greedy"... this actually is a good thing.

Well, that's some of what helps me when I have hard time coming up with all 100. There is so much to be grateful for, whether good or bad, it's not so hard to come up with 100. (It just sounds like a lot.) But there are days when it is really difficult to make it to 100. And that's totally normal.

If there's something that helps you make it to 100, please leave it in the comments so we can all benefit from your strategy.

Thank you!

May all judgements be sweetened.

Related links:
First Emuna, Then Understanding
Day #14: Forming a Relationship through Gratitude
What to Say to God in the Toughest Times
What is the Main Purpose of Your Existence?

In my penchant for finding proofs to support my belief that American culture is cult-like and that the mainstream media is backed by evil people and bad agendas that cannot be relied upon, I decided to look up the actual numbers, statistics, and percentages of a popular race issues to see what they reveal.

This post starts off by describing and summarizing issues, then delves into listing the actual numbers. (If you just want the hard-core numbers, then feel free to scroll down to "A Look at the Real Numbers.")

And just for knowing, LOCD stands for "leading cause of death."

Note to Europeans: This blog uses "Asian" in the American way, which refers to people from the Pacific and the Far East (like Japan, China, Vietnam, the Philippines, etc). I never refer to Indians, Pakistanis, or Nepalis as "Asian."

Okay, here we go...

So let's just look at one subject of lies and distortions propounded in America, and that's the claim that America is a racist society where women and minorities are being limited by discrimination and oppression, and that white males are "privileged."

Just to be clear: I'm not arguing whether racism exists; it does exist, unfortunately.

My problem is that it doesn't seem to be as a big a problem or as debilitating an obstacle as the mainstream media likes to promote.

So if you imbibe the mainstream media, you might start to think that white cops are one of the most prominent threats to non-white communities, especially to black communities.

You might think that racism in general and the "microaggressions" of white people are debilitating obstacles for the non-white communities.

However, as even the mainstream media admits (although it tries not to discuss it), the top killer for black males between the ages of 15-34 is another black male of the same age group.

This means that despite the Left's mantra of racism in America, a black male would actually be safest if you put him in an all-white neighborhood.

In fact, this statistic implies that if you would put every young black male in a solely white neighborhood, you would immediately halve the death rate of young black males.

And despite the attention spotlighting Black Lives Matter, an organization screaming against the racism (of which there is very little) of white police officers, the actual numbers are as follows:

• 1 in every 65 deaths of a young black male is caused by a police officer
• Around 60 out of every 65 deaths of a young black male is caused by another black male

Hm. 1 versus around 60.

Oh yeah, I would definitely focus on the 1 killer, not the other 60.

Especially since the cop was mostly likely defending himself or someone else, and not killing for revenge or anger or while drunk or high, I would definitely focus on that 1 cop.

Yeah, sure. That totally makes sense.

I can tell that the BLM adherents really care about black lives because they focus on the 1 black life ended by a cop as opposed to the other 60 black lives ended by non-cops.

Yeah, I totally believe that BLM cares about black lives. This totally proves it.

[sarc]

A lesser known but more alarming statistic is that homicide is the second leading cause of death for black children aged 1-4 (representing 15% of male deaths and 12% of female deaths) after unintentional injuries, which is the leading cause of death for this age group.

In contrast, the homicide rate for white children in that age group is half that for black children, while the homicide rate for Asian children aged 1-4 ranks as the sixth LOCD for males (2.7% of all deaths) and the fifth LOCD for Asian females (4.1%).

We all might want to analyze the Asian community to see how they manage to protect their little ones from homicide so much better than every one else.

Oh, wait, no. Instead, let's just keep analyzing why they're so good in math! Yeah, that's so much more important than preventing the murder of small children!

Interestingly, if a black male can make it to the age of 45, he's highly unlikely (or not likely at all) to be murdered or to kill himself. In fact, suicide doesn't rank at all for black men over age 45.

Yet that isn't true for other groups.

For example, there is a suicide rate (albeit a low one) for white males aged 45-64 and for Native American & Hispanic males aged 45-54 and for white woman aged 35-64, and for Native American women & Hispanic women aged 35-54.

In contrast, neither homicide nor suicide ranks at all for black females above the age of 45.

So if white males are so privileged, why are they killing themselves more than black males or black females?

Why are they so unhappy and so despairing despite the "privileged" color of their skin and their "privileged" gender?

And did you know that the second leading cause of death for male Native Americans aged 10-34 is suicide. Age 10?! Do you think that might be preventable? Maybe someone should create an organization to deal with that.

I also think that someone should take a look at the high percentage of death by homicide against Native American girls aged 1-4 (15% of all deaths, as high as for black males in that age group). Combine that with suicide as the #1 leading cause of death for teenage Native American girls (almost 40% of all their deaths result from suicide!!!).

But no, let's just fuss about how to refer to Native Americans (by their individual tribe? American-Indians? Native Americans? First Nations? Not Redskins, for sure!). Proper nouns are for sure more important the murdered babies or suicidal girls...

Right, mainstream media?

Let's look at Hispanics:

• The leading cause of death among Hispanic males aged 1-44 is "unintentional injuries."
• The second leading cause of death among Hispanic males aged 14-34 is homicide.
• The third leading cause of death among Hispanic males aged 15-34 is suicide. 

WHO exactly is killing and depressing all these Hispanic males?

And are you wondering about the statistics for the much accused privileged white males? 
Well,

• the leading cause of death for white males aged 1-44 is "unintentional injuries."
• Yet the second leading cause of death for white males aged 10-34 is suicide.
• Homicide is the third leading cause of death for white males aged 15-24.

Who is murdering or depressing these young men? White cops?

It's shocking that homicide and suicide rank above cancer, heart disease, and most illnesses. We hear so much about cancer-prevention and helping children suffering from diseases or disabilities, but the statistics show we should be equally concerned about children of all races and ethnicities either being murdered or murdering themselves.

It seems that America is a nation of misplaced priorities, and it's those misplaced priorities are being set by Leftists and civil rights groups under the guise of being oh-so passionately compassionate and concerned.

In contrast, the second leading cause of death (after unintentional injuries) for white females aged 15-24 is suicide. Homicide comes in far after white males, with it being the 4th leading cause of death for white females aged 1-9 and 15-24, while it's the 5th leading cause of death for white females aged 10-14.

For black females aged 1-34, the leading cause of death is again, "unintentional injuries." (For black females above the age of 35, it's either cancer or heart disease.)

Disturbingly, homicide is the second leading cause of death among black females aged 1-4 and aged 14-24, a more common cause of death than disease, birth defects, or suicide.

As stated above, for Native American females, suicide is the #1 leading cause of death between the ages of 10-19.

• Suicide comprises 30.3% of deaths of Native American girls aged 10-14
• Suicide comprises 39.4% of deaths of Native American girls aged 15-19

Meaning, Native American teenage girls are more likely to die by their own hand than by disease, accidents, or anything else.

Does that bother you at all?

It bothers me.

Yet when do you hear people talking about this?

Then suicide decreases to the 2nd leading cause of death (16%, after unintentional injuries) for Native American females aged 20-24 and then ties for 2nd place with chronic liver disease for Native American females aged 25-34 with 8.7% of deaths resulting from either one. (The ranking of chronic liver disease is unique to Native Americans compared with all the other groups.)

In contrast to the other groups, cancer makes an appearance as a leading cause of death for Hispanic females, which it doesn't for other races or genders. Hispanic females aged 10-14 or 35-44 are most likely to die of cancer, and not than unintentional injuries or anything else. Suicide becomes the second leading cause of death for Hispanic females aged 15-24 and the 3rd leading cause for the ages 10-14 and 25-34.

What does that mean? I don't know.

Furthermore, despite the hype about white privileged males, the above statistics show that young white males are killing themselves as much as or even more than reputedly disadvantaged groups of the same age, like black or Hispanic females.

Why is that? What's going on? And why is no one talking about that either?

It's been said several times on this blog that American culture is basically a cult nowadays. If you just rely on mainstream media, you will think that black males are in urgent danger of being killed by white cops.

And yes, you may also hear that the leading cause of death for a young black male is murder by another young black male. At least they get that priority right.

You will also hear lots of stuff on racism and worry about the self-esteem of teenage girls, their body image, general self-image, depression, rights, and eating disorders.

You will also be under the impression that white males are "privileged" as if they live on Easy Street and can be dismissed or ignored. Even more, media propaganda gives the impression that white males need to make way for less advantaged groups -- like females and all non-white groups (in other words, literally everyone else in the country).

In other words, we don't need to worry about white guys.

But do you ever hear that the second leading cause of death in young white males is themselves?

There is a lot of propaganda going on and a lot of distraction to keep us from looking at real problems.

So for example, if I wanted to look at the lives of American teenagers and how to help them, I would start by looking at the 4 LOCD (leading causes of death) within genders and racial/ethnic groups.

The following is based on a much more extensive breakdown along genders, ages, races & ethnicities, which you can see at this link:
https://www.cdc.gov/healthequity/lcod/index.htm

And the initial breakdown looks like this:

So just looking at the ranking, I'm concerned that suicide is one of the top 3 leading causes of death in all groups, and even the top 2 or the leading cause of death in the case of Native American females.

Why on earth are young people in one of the best places to live killing themselves?

And because the 2nd and 3rd leading cause of death among white males is suicide and homicide (the same ranking, though not the same percentage, as for the truly underprivileged male Native Americans), I would immediately remove the classification of "privileged."

Unless, of course, you think it is a privilege to hate and despair of yourself and your future so much that you end your own life or you think it's a privilege to be murdered.

I'm also wondering what "unintentional injuries" are?

It's the leading cause or 2nd leading cause of death in all groups.

Does it mean that teenagers are clumsy? Living with irresponsible people? Driving badly or living in areas where people drive badly? Are they swimming irresponsibly? Engaging in daredevil activities? Sports? Eating spoiled food? Accidentally drinking bleach that someone stored in a water bottle?

Let's see what "unintentional injuries" kill teenagers in the USA...

You can read the full article on this subject and see all the graphs here:
https://www.childtrends.org/indicators/unintentional-injuries

Unintentional Killer #1: Vehicles
It was a bit difficult to get details on exactly what kind and how much of "unintentional injuries" kill teenagers, but motor vehicle accidents are the leading death by "unintentional injuries" in this age group. Now, motor vehicle deaths have gone down quite a lot for children and teenagers (perhaps due to safety features and improved medical treatment), but this still remains the highest cause of death for this age group.

Unintentional Killer #2: Poisoning
"Poisoning." It's not what you might think.

The 2012 statistic shows that 85% of "unintentional injury" of teens through "poisoning" is from drug overdose or alcohol poisoning (which I'm assuming means that the alcohol didn't poison them like drinking a bit of hemlock would, but that they drank too much alcohol at one time).

Now, you might think that drug or alcohol overdose is suicide (after all, it's self-inflicted and easily controllable), but it's only considered suicide if the person meant to commit suicide. If he or she only meant to get high or drunk, then the resulting death is an "unintentional injury."

Death by "poisoning" has actually increased in teenagers.

Because so much of it has to do with alcohol or drugs, it's a wholly preventable death.

And since there is no need to drink or take drugs (while there is a need to use motor vehicles), one wonders why teens are engaging in such self-destructive behavior.

I would also look at this "unintentional injury" in conjunction with the suicide rate and wonder why American teenagers are feeling so unhappy and so hopeless.

Unintentional Killer #3: Drowning
Knowing American teens as I do, I can't help wondering how many of these unintentional drowning deaths are alcohol-related.

Unintentional Killer #4: Other
What does this comprise? I'm not sure. Yet it ranks out above unintentional death by fire, suffocation, and other transportation (planes, trains, etc).

Cancer & Disease
I'm also concerned about the ranking of cancer in teenagers. While no one is sure about the exact causes of cancer, there are interesting theories.

Many studies show a correlation between cancer and lifestyle & diet.

Yet newer and more probing theories suggest a correlation between cancer and one's inner world. People who eat themselves up with envy, resentment, bitterness, and hatred (of themselves or others) can find the cancer eating up their own body.

Just off the top of my head,  I can think of at least 2 people I knew who died of cancer that seemed to come from rage and helplessness. One repressed her negative feelings, but one admitted not long before she died that she "knew" her illness came from an maddening situation that seemed to have no end or resolution in sight.

Even seemingly cheerful or serene people can repress such emotions while these negative traits eat them up inside without them realizing the existence of these feelings.

And heart disease in such young people? What's going on?

Pregnancy Complications
I'm also concerned about death from pregnancy complications.

The percentage of teenage deaths resulting from pregnancy complications are as follows:

• Native American: 3%
• Black: 3%
• Hispanic: 1.1%
• White: 1%
• Asian: Doesn't even make the ranking

I'm assuming most of these girls aren't married and that these are irresponsibly conceived pregnancies.

And I'd look to Asian teens to see what they're doing, to learn why they don't die of pregnancy complications. Maybe discovering that can help the girls in other groups.

Homicide
What percentage of teen deaths result from murder?:

• Black males: 49.5%
• Hispanic males: 20.2%
• Black females: 17.9%
• Native American males: 14.2%
• White males: 8.6%
• Hispanic females: 8.5%
• Asian males: 6.6%
• White females: 4.9%
• Asian female: 2%
• Native American females: 1.5%

Oh, gosh.

This means that half the time you're looking at a dead teenage black boy, you're looking at a murder.

With Hispanic males and black females, around one out of every 5 or 6 teen deaths is a murder.

Who is killing these kids?

We know that young black men are the prime killers of other young black men, but who is killing all these black females and Native American males?

Do anyone really believe it's white cops or President Trump's rhetoric?

(It's not.)

Also, while the percentage of male Native American deaths via murder is high, the percentage for female Native Americans is lowest. But why? Is the reason reassuring or disturbing? For example, is it because Native American teenage girls are killing themselves before anyone else can?

It's all extremely disturbing and I don't understand why it's not being discussed more widely and frequently.

Also, please note that a larger percentage of white male death results from murder than Hispanic, Asian, White, and Native American females and Asian males.

Also, a white teenage male is twice as likely to be killed by a cop than an Asian teenage male.

What a tremendous privilege!

(Question: If white cops are racist, then why are they more likely to kill a white guy than, say, a Chinese guy?)

Suicide
What percentage of teen deaths result from suicide?:

• Native American females: 39.4%
• Native American males: 33%
• Asian males: 27.3%
• White males: 25.5%
• Asian female: 21.8%
• White females: 18.7%
• Hispanic males: 16.1%
• Hispanic females: 15.7%
• Black females: 9.2%
• Black males: 8.8%

This is so bizarre and disturbing.

This also leaves a lot of questions.

For example, is the percentage of black male suicide the lowest because black teenage boys are happier and more hopeful than everyone else or because other black youth kill them before they can kill themselves?

It also looks like, despite their "privileged" skin color and gender, white males are more deeply unhappy and despairing of themselves than white females, Asian females, Hispanics, and blacks -- some of the very groups generally considered underprivileged and disadvantaged.

Why is that? Why isn't their much-lauded white male privilege working for them?

It's all very disturbing with a lot of unknowns. (Unknown to me, at least. Likely, someone else knows.)

After reviewing all this, it's impossible not to be extremely concerned about Native American teenage girls.

As shown above, nearly 40% of Native American teen female deaths result from suicide. (And don't forget that the following cause of death is "unintentional injury," which includes a lot of self-inflicted drug and alcohol overdose.) The suicide rate for preteen Native American females is also whoppingly high at 30% and the homicide ranking for Native American females aged 1-4 is one of the highest (around 15%, the same as for black males aged 1-4).

Yet we don't see anyone blaring: "Native American Girl Lives Matter!" even though I really think that someone needs to tell Native American girls that their lives actually matter a lot because they don't seem to be realizing this on their own.

The Asian male suicide rate is also alarming, especially taking into account that the next Asian male age group of 20-24 ranks suicide as the #1 leading cause of death, making up 34.6% of the deaths in that age group, which is not so different than Native American female teens.

Why is that?

Perhaps we need to approach Asian males on college campuses and hand them a "Your Life Matters" sticker.

Anyway, someone might want to look into that.

But I think none of this information will gain any mileage because it doesn't fit the agenda of the people disseminating the propaganda.

I don't think they care about anyone's lives.

Okay, you know how Mark Twain said, "There are...lies, damn lies, and statistics"?

All the above represent percentage of deaths, but another important indicator is percentage of population. And that's missing from all the above.

For example, if black male teen death was super low, then the fact that half result from murder means something different than if black male teen death in general is very high.

Also, within that abstract and varied category of "unintentional injuries," it matters a lot what percentage of the fatal injuries resulted from motor vehicle accidents caused by the other driver and also what percentage were drug- and alcohol-related.

So the above numbers tell a lot and are very disturbing, but they are far from being the whole story. A lot of information is still missing.

Also, there is a lot of background information missing.

Cultural background plays a huge part in the above statistics.

For example, Native Americans endure an exceptional status in America and many live on reservation where they are given the impression of self-governance, yet are really at the mercy of non-Native American bureaucrats. Many reservations endure dismal conditions and offer dismal futures.

Because they're nations living within a nation, they experience differences in lifestyle, identity, and status compared to other American minorities. For example, many tribes attempt some form of self-governance on their reservation. (The strength and success of this attempt varies from place to place.) And there are hundreds of treaties made by the American government with different tribes, which are still considered in force today (even though they've all been violated at least once, usually by the American government).

As another example, the Kickapoo tribe was able to travel back and forth over the Mexican-US border using their official tribal enrollment card instead of an American passport like every other American citizen. In 2011, Pascua Yaqui & Kootenai tribes issued Enhanced Travel Cards that can be used between the Mexican-US border and on US domestic flights. In fact, the Iroquis/Haudenosaunee tribe has their own passport (but this is not honored globally). Many feel like they possess dual citizenship with their tribal nation and the USA and lack trust toward the American government (even as many are reliant of US government programs).

Finally, different tribes don't necessarily like each other, so it's difficult to create "the" best plan for Native Americans as a whole. Just like Native Americans have a history of war and broken treaties with the US government, they also have a history of wars and atrocities between different tribes. To this day, for example, there is animosity between the Lakota Sioux tribe and the Crow tribe.

Other background factors are that some Asian cultures view suicide as the acceptable or even honorable option in certain situations, so that may impact the high suicide rate among Asians.

Those are just 2 examples.

I can think of a lot more questions and possible contraindications and contradictions by looking at the above, but this post is long & convoluted enough as is.

But anyway, it seems to me that people fed by the media will continue to badly misunderstand and misprioritize the real problems in America and will assume that the problems can be solved by shouting slogans, wearing nonsensical symbols, ignoring facts, focusing on their own group while ignoring the hardships of other groups who may be suffering a lot more, protesting against Ben Shapiro speeches, and heaping blame on President Trump & white cops.

Anyway, we see that the issues of concern in society are complex and take a lot of research, and are horribly misrepresented or underrepresented in the media.

But it's clear that white cops are not a major problem in these issues.

Neither are President Trump's tweets or Ben Shapiro's presence on college campuses.

And black people are not the only people deserving of our care and attention.

So why all the distraction from real problems and their roots?

Also, it seems that racism is not the core of today's worst problems, but self-hatred is, along with a lack of hope or meaning in life, a lack of respect & appreciation for oneself and for others.

It seems that this is a result of an increasingly Godless society, where values such as realizing that everyone (including yourself) is made in God's Image, and that Godly values like compassion, forbearance, humility, perseverance, and emuna are considered naive, superstitious, or inapplicable.

Related Post:
Why No One Needs BLM; We Just Need God

Recently, a very interesting article came online called Wellsprings of the Deep - Yotzer Ohr - Who Creates Light at the Daf Yomi Review (which actually contains many more fascinating writings outside of the Daf Yomi).

It's all written by Yosef Sebag who learns full-time in kollel in Yerushalayim and also holds degrees in physics and electrical engineering.

I learned a lot of fascinating aspects of light that I never knew. Yosef Sebag also includes helpful graphs and images to make things clearer for the non-science reader.

This article can really boost your kavanah and awareness when making the Yotzer Ohr bracha preceding Kriyat Shema in Shacharit.

It also adds proof to the fact that only God could have created our Earth and all the life therein (rather than an unrealistically chancey big bang in a multiverse). Just as one example, Yosef Sebag emphasizes that only band of light useful for life is the one emitted by our Sun.

What are the chances of that, big bangers?

Anyway, the whole article is full of such tasty tidbits that make you want to cheer, "Mah rabu ma'asecha, Hashem - How great are your deeds, God!"

To go to the article, please click here:
Wellsprings of the Deep - Yotzer Ohr - Who Creates Light

For more about Yosef Sebag, please click here:
Yosef Sebag

Personally, I'm indebted to his translations of both Chovot Halevavot (Duties of the Heart) and its accompanying commentaries for greater insight into this fundamental mussar classic.

Click here to access the translation and commentaries:
Chovot Halevavot and commentaries - English translation

Looking to our tzaddikim, we can see how we are really supposed to behave.

We can also find hints for guides and advisers when we compare the behavior of a real tzaddik to that of a regular rabbi or rebbetzin. Not that anyone is perfect, but certain aspects tell us if things are on the right track.
 
For example, on page 136 of Words of Faith Vol II, we meet Rav Yisrael Karduner, one of the Breslov tzaddikim of the previous generations, who died in Tiveria in 1920.

Rav Karduner was known for his tremendous fire when he prayed or even just made a blessing, and also for his bleak poverty. His home literally lacked even bread and he went out into the fields to talk to Hashem while wearing torn ill-fitting shoes. Yet even then, he simply cried out to Hashem to either give him shoes or give him the mindfulness (daat) to really accept that he doesn’t need shoes.

In fact, his most oft-quoted words are: "There was someone [Rebbe Nachman] who called out 100 years ago, 'Never give up!' And we still hear that voice today."
 
At that time, Rav Karduner suffered greatly from attacks by those opposed to the Breslov path. Rav Karduner’s disciple, R. Yisrael Ber Odesser, possessed a particularly tender & sensitive soul, and suffered horribly from the opposition.
 
Once, R. Yisrael Ber Odesser poured out his heart to Rav Karduner. Rav Karduner listened as R. Yisrael Ber Odesser expressed his profound suffering and distress.

After he finished, Rav Karduner empathized, “Indeed, I also suffer and am discouraged like you from the venom of the difficult attacks.”

Then Rav Karduner encouraged him, “But I am able to stand because I used the ‘healing signs’ of the Rebbe. In their power, I am able to hold on…”

Note: Because I've never heard of Rebbe Nachman's "healing signs," I'm thinking the above is maybe an alternative translation of "alim l'trufah -- healing leaves." If someone knows for sure, please feel free to let me know...

Please notice that Rav Karduner did not tell his chassid, “Oh, you think you have it bad? You should see what they do to me.” Or, “Well, just let it roll off your back. After all, I don’t let it get to me.” Or, "Just feel sorry for them. I mean, don't you feel bad for them?"

Nope. No one-up, no competition, no put-downs, no minimizing the very real pain of rejection and verbal abuse.

Nor did Rav Karduner chirp, “Just have emuna! Just daven! Gam zeh l’tovah—it’s all for the best!”

(Even though such phrases are true: A downcast person needs emuna, needs to daven, and everything really is for the best. But Rav Karduner knew that Rav Yisrael Ber already knew all that. Yet like most of us, he's familiar with the concepts, yet the intense abuse got him down anyway. That's totally normal.)

Instead, Rav Karduner listened. Then he empathized. In fact, though he was Rav Yisrael Ber’s mentor, Rav Karduner wasn't above admitting: “I am discouraged like you.”

Like you. And Rav Karduner called the attacks what they were: venom. Difficult.
 
Then Rav Karduner gave the necessary chizuk and humbly explained that the only way he himself withstood the attacks was not on his own merit, but on the strength of Rebbe Nachman’s teachings.
 
Rav Karduner’s behavior is a helpful directive for us all:

• Listen
• Empathize
• Encourage; give chizuk.

May Hashem grant us all the wisdom, binah, and daat to say the right thing in every situation.

We all have times in our lives where we desperately need a break.

Life is trampling over us like a galloping rhinoceros on steroids.

At this point, many people receive helpful advice to take a break, take a vacation, take a night out, take a nap, get a babysitter, get cleaning help, order takeout...

But sometimes, none of these options are available for you at that time.

Or maybe a couple of them are available, but what you genuinely need is a 2-week vacation, while a nap or an evening out will hardly help and even cause more problems, albeit different ones (i.e. a nap causes you to wake up to a chaotic mess and prevents you from being tired enough to go to bed on time, an evening out costs money, time and other stress, etc).

This is one of the more difficult situations to accept with emuna, with any positivity or yishuv daat, or hope for a better tomorrow (although you may have hope for a better next year).

Overexhausted and overloaded, you may struggle with the very act of thinking, with any attempt to focus your mind.

The mere act of saying "Thank You, Hashem" or "Gam zeh l'tovah" (forget about feeling grateful; just mouthing the words) may seem like an impossible hurdle.

At this point, you may also read, recall, or hear that if you're not getting your desperately desired 2-week break, then it's because it's not what's best for you. And if it's not what's best for you, then you don't need it.

So then you're actually fine, right?

Wrong.

It can be really debilitating if someone actually tells you this because they're basically dismissing all your very real suffering and angst as no big deal.

If Hashem gave you this nisayon, then you do possess the fortitude to handle it, even if you feel like you don't.

But as one old hillbilly woman in impoverished Applachia quipped, "God never gives you more than you can handle, but He sure can bend you double at times!"

You can genuinely need something, but it's still not best for you, so Hashem withholds it from you for reasons you don't or can't know.

For example, if someone is stranded in the middle of the desert with no supplies for 2 days and is severely dehydrated and thirsty, would you say that this person does not need water?

Of course not. He obviously NEEDS water.

He doesn't just want water, he's not just some petulant kvetch who simply wants things his own way -- he NEEDS water!

However, it is a solid fact that everything Hashem does is for our benefit, for our very best, and only He knows all the factors involving your soul, your past lifetimes, your deeds, your soul corrections, and much more.

So it may be that it is best for that person to dehydrate at the same that he genuinely needs water.

And it's perfectly legitimate for someone being trampled by a galloping rhinoceros to express a need for relief.

Worldly needs are real needs.

Ultimate unfathomable soul needs are different and may conflict with worldly needs.

But a worldly need is very real.

And it's perfectly appropriate to sympathize with and validate that need, and to help the other person fulfill that need (if you can), just as you would do for the thirsty man stranded in the desert.

Although it has become very popular in America for American citizens to attack their own country as an evil bastion of racism, it's just not true.

Furthermore, decent people do not need to be bullied into treating other races and ethnicities fairly.

And bullying or thought-and-speech policing nasty people will not change them.

Furthermore, regarding people who aren't decent, we have the law.

And yes, sometimes even the law isn't enough. Sadly, some criminals get away with their crime, whether motivated by racism, financial gain, power, taavah, or just plain sadism.

BLM (Black Lives Matter) and similar groups and their followers who attack others do nothing for their communities, especially since the top killer for black males between the ages of 15-34 is another black male. (A lesser known but far more alarming statistic is that homicide is the second leading cause of death for black children aged 1-4 & 10-14, after unintentional injuries, which is the leading cause of death for those age groups. So BLM might want to look into see who's murdering black one-year-olds. Helpful hint: It's not white cops!)

The fact the BLM and other groups posing as protectors of racial minorities refuse to even address what actually destroys black lives - and it's not white cops - demonstrates their total lack of caring and compassion for the very people they claim to protect.

So let's look at some historical examples of people who WEREN'T racist, even when it was legal to be racist.

And they did so without BLM or civil rights thugs threatening them.

Born in Massachusetts in 1735, Martha served her community as midwife and general medical practitioner who treated the ill and delivered over 800 babies in 27 years until her death in 1812.

Among the women she treated, there were free blacks who received the same dedication and care as Martha's white patients, even if it meant that Martha (along with a neighborly assistant) had to sit up all night in uncomfortable conditions. Also, Martha's diary records her interactions with a little Native American girl who used to come out of the forest to Martha's home, and Martha freely gave her foodstuffs.

Needless to say, Martha did all this without any pressure to be politically correct or culturally plural.

She was a profoundly religious woman who simply cared about others.

Harriet Jacobs was born into slavery in North Carolina in 1813. Taught to read by her her first lady owner, she eventually made her way to Massachusetts and published her memoir Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl under the pen name Linda Brent in 1862. 

But before escaping to the North, Harriet hid out in the plantation home of a white woman who refused to sell her slaves for any reason. The white woman hid Harriet for several days, despite the danger to the white woman's reputation, legal penalties, and the generous reward offered for Harriet's return.

In fact, Harriet's greatest threat was a fellow black slave named Jenny.

The other black slaves labeled her as "naughty."

Described as "always got the devil in her" by her fellow slaves, Jenny suspected the house hid a fugitive and wanted to flush out Harriet to return her to her slave owners.

Yet after the other female slaves informed the white mistress of Jenny's interference, the white mistress kept Jenny busy in the kitchen until plans were made to go spend the day in the country, taking Jenny with her, and allowing Harriet to find a better hiding place.

Considering travel in those times, this day-outing was a big inconvenience and likely the devil-inhabited Jenny wasn't an enjoyable person with whom to spend the day.

Yet the white mistress did so anyway.

Not because BLM told her to, but because of her own sense of decency and compassion.

In fact, many white people helped Harriet along her journey to freedom - again, out of decency and compassion, not BLM thuggery.

(Although BLM might want to have some words with Jenny...)

It's worth noting that the Underground Railroad that helped black slaves and the freedoms black people eventually enjoyed could not have and did not happen without the dedicated participation of good-hearted white people.

The full memoir of Harriet Jacobs is available online and makes for some fascinating reading:
http://xroads.virginia.edu/~Hyper/JACOBS/hj-site-index.htm

Until 1836, black orphans (unwanted in white orphanages) were housed in alms houses with all the homeless adults and received no nurturing, education, or protection.

So 3 white Quaker ladies decided to open an orphanage to care for the black children.

It was quite an undertaking because no one would rent out a building for black children, so the ladies were forced to buy one. As soon as they managed to get it up and running in 1836, these ladies headed straight to the almshouse and immediately collected 11 orphans to bring them to refuge in the new orphanage.

The orphanage grew to accept more and more black children, and also accepted Native American children in need of better care.

They also provided work for the brilliant black doctor, Dr James McCune Smith, who traveled all the way to Glasgow to receive his medical degree due to the racist restrictions of that time in American medical schools. He was appointed the orphanage's medical director.

Both the black doctor and the white matrons encouraged the children to make the most of themselves and to succeed in life.

The Quaker ladies did all this despite the fact that slavery was still legal in the South and blacks suffered limited rights in the North.

When the overflow of the Civil War draft riots turned into a racist mob (comprised not of Americans, but of Irish immigrants) and attacked the orphanage in 1863, one of the white matrons risked her life to lead every single one of the 233 orphans to safety.

Two Irish firemen also risked their lives to fight the terrible fire, endangering themselves to save the black children from both the mob and the raging fire.

While the people in the mob were obviously evil, I'm not sure that waving posters proclaiming "BLACK LIVES MATTER!" or Antifa could do to change their minds or stop them. (This is despite the fact that, unlike BLM's target of a mostly non-racist police force, the above incident was actual violence with deadly intent against a purely innocent populace and motivated by genuine racism.)

Also, it would probably shock Leftists today to learn that white people are capable of such courage and compassion on behalf of black children, with no ACLU or BLM or thought police to bully them into it.

Jewish pioneers of the Sante Fe Trail of New Mexico, Levi Speigelberg arrived with his brothers from Germany, then sought out a nice Jewish girl from afar and brought over the pretty 29-year-old Betty in 1860. (Betty was a classy version of a mail-order bride.)

With few women in the area, Levi's pretty new wife stuck out to the point that a buggy drive past army headquarters caused the soldiers to sit up and take notice, with one saying, "By Gingo! What a beautiful woman in these war times. A fellow might be tempted to kidnap her."

Upon hearing a report of these words, Levi forbade his wife to even look out the bedroom window (for fear of her being seen) while his 3 brothers slept in an adjoining room with loaded shotguns to defend Betty from any potential abduction.

Yet one day, Betty heard a female voice crying out and moaning from under her bedroom window: "For God's sake, help me! I'm starving and bleeding to death!"

Afraid to approach her window, yet unwilling to ignore the young female's desperate situation, Betty ran across the yard to her husband's store, but he was trying to hold off all the rowdy soldiers fighting and shouting for provisions.

Rushing back to her room, Betty listened to the piteous cries for help until she dared to look out the window and saw a young black girl, still begging for help.

With assistance from Betty's Mexican maid, Betty succeeded in dragging the girl into her house where she washed, fed, and listened to the girl and sent for a doctor.

Soldiers had snatched the young black girl from her plantation, then assaulted and abused her until she managed to escape and make her way to Betty's bedroom window. If she was "starving," the assault and abuse must have gone on for at least a couple of days.

Going out for the girl must have been terrifying for Betty, who saw on the battered and bleeding girl what had been threatened to Betty.

Yet Betty did it anyway.

There's no record of Levi Speigelberg's initial reaction to his wife's daring heroism, but Levi allowed the girl to stay while he and his brothers pooled their financial resources to buy the girl's freedom.

And not only did the Speigelbergs help this particular black girl, but also a black male slave and they rescued a Native American girl captured by soldiers.

I want to point out that it's unlikely that the Spiegelbergs had encountered non-white people before coming to America. And regardless of your own race, if you didn't grow up with people of other races, then people of other races often look strange until you get used to them.

(Case in point: A friend of mine went to a village in Ghana where white people hadn't been before, so she and her friends were the first white people the children had seen. After being faced with a trio of pre-teen boys who walked backwards so they could stare at the 3 white people who were walking along, one of the boys quipped, "Man, you people sure are UGLY.")

Yet good-hearted people respond with compassion and courage anyway.

The Spiegelbergs didn't need anyone shouting out them "Black lives matter!" or "Black is beautiful!" in order to risk their lives or put forth serious financial resources to help black people.

Then there's the story of my grandpa, who rescued a black man falsely accused of murder. It happened in New York, in the 1930s or 1940s. You can read that here:
Values: When People Want to BE Good & Not Just Feel Good

This black man could have been executed for a crime he never committed, but Grandpa intervened to save his life.

It's worthwhile noting that the above heroes did not use politically correct terminology.

For example, my grandpa used the term "colored" and "black," but I never heard him say "African-American." "Negro" was common for a while in the USA, and even the "n-word" was common and not considered innately racist. (Actually, it's merely a corruption of the word "Negro," which is just the Spanish word for the color black with no secret evil meaning.)

Just as an amusing digression: I have a copy of a book of poems written by a Southern family member who was born just 2 years after the end of America's Civil War. In the book, she references black people by using the n-word, but she usually describes them sympathetically or even admiringly. It was quite a mind-bender when I first read it to see a sympathetic or admiring portrayal of a black person using the n-word! But a Southern friend explained to me that the word's usage wasn't then what it is now.

In fact, the above-mentioned orphanage for black children was officially called "The Colored Orphan Asylum." In today's language, that paints a picture of a building full of mentally deranged little black kids, but in reality, the children nurtured by The Colored Orphan Asylum turned out well, both morally and practically, and had good memories of their stint in the orphanage. One former charge even expressed concern that today's foster care system is a step down from the group home environment she experienced in The Colored Orphan Asylum. 

I personally do not use derogatory language to describe my fellow human beings' race or ethnicity, but as long as you are using acceptable terms that aren't inherently racist and you don't have racist intent when you use them, then what is the big deal?

So I prefer a person who innocently calls black people "colored" and will risk being burned to death to save black children from a fire to the thought-and-speech police who are makpid to use whatever politically correct language is in vogue (and fanatically correct the speech of others), but do nothing for humanity.

And I think that's right.

My point isn't that there hasn't been racism (there has) or that there isn't racism (there is) or even that laws can solve everything (they can't).

The point is that all of the above people were familiar with the idea of every human being being made in God's Image with some familiarity of verses like: "Justice, justice, you shall pursue" and "Do not stand idly by the blood of your neighbor" and "Love your neighbor as yourself."

Even though my grandpa wasn't a religious person, he'd been raised with Torah Judaism (albeit practiced and understood on a superficial level). I don't know how religious the Speigelbergs were, but the Speigelberg brothers were connected enough to Jewish values that they waited until they'd saved up enough to go all the way back to Germany to marry a Jewish wife.

So this is the running thread through many of these acts of courage and compassion by white people toward disadvantaged minorities.

And yes, I realize that there are people who read the Bible and claim to be religious, but are racist.

What can I tell you? Some people refuse to internalize Hashem's value system.

My point is that the key to fighting racism is imbuing ourselves with the idea that every human being really is made in God's Image.

Also, it's up to us to emulate Hashem's Ways, to respect and embrace how HE views the world.

And as stated in Tehillim/Psalms 145:9: "Tov Hashem l'kol v'rachamav al kol ma'asav - Hashem is Good to all and His Compassion is upon all His creations."

Violence, ranting, witch-hunting, self-righteous mobs, and reverse racism can't do that.

In fact, such people may want to read about Joyce Gladwell here:
Anyone Can Talk to the Big Master

It's only about Hashem and getting back to Torah values.

In Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender's Words of Faith, we meet Reb Sander of Terevitz, who started out life as a pampered child accustomed to an affluent lifestyle.

As a successful merchant in adulthood, he kept up his affluent lifestyle while his natural gregariousness led to a jovial wheeling 'n' dealing attitude. Known as the wittiest leitzan among all the other leitzanim, Reb Sander once confronted a base character who came into Reb Sander's fabric factory looking to buy salt.

(Salt...in a fabric factory.)

"If you want salt," quipped Reb Sander, "then stand on the table and dance, and the salt will come out..."

[Note: I don't understand why Rav Bender brought this as an example of Reb Sander's previous low level because it doesn't seem that bad to me. Likely, there are nuances in the original Yiddish that go over my head, but this is the example used in the book, this is the example used in this post.]

Anyway, the others described Reb Sander as a flippant comedian (a leitzan, a vertlich zuger) focused on making profitable deals.

Though shomer Shabbos himself, Friday afternoons proved to be the best time for business as Reb Sander engaged in wheeling and dealing at this time, rather than preparing for the holy day -- and encouraged the other merchants to do the same.

But then what happened?

Rav Nachman Chazan* of Tultchin showed up in Reb Sander's town. (Okay, he didn't just show up; he was sent there by Rav Naftali, one of the original intimate chassidim of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov.)

Anyway, Rav Nachman Chazan started speaking compelling words of Torah that captivated the hearts of the people, including Reb Sander. Though initially scheduled to stay for one week, the people there kept insisting that Rav Nachman Chazan extend his visit until he ended up speaking there for 3 weeks straight.

The people finally asked Rav Nachman Chazan, "From where do you draw all of these treasures?"

And he answered, "All of this wealth is from my great teacher Rebbe Nosson, whose holy writings are resting on the shelf, collecting dust because we don't have the funds to take them out of burial, to print and spread them among Yisrael."

At that point, Reb Sander whipped out 100 rubles and said to Rav Nachman Chazan, "Take a down payment of 100 rubles. When you begin to print, another 100 rubles will follow. When you finish, another 100 rubles will be added."

Then finally, the people allowed Rav Nachman Chazan to return home.

And this was the beginning of an awe-inspiring change in Reb Sander.

Reb Sander stopped playing the comedian and upended his previous priorities: Avodat Hashem became his main occupation while his fabric business turned into a side-job.

He was able to maintain his new priorities even when his business associates spoke of him behind his back: "What happened to Reb Sander? Where did he go? He was our buddy, just like one of us. What happened to him...?"

When they saw Reb Sander Erev Shabbat afternoon, already dressed for Shabbat and fervently reciting Shir Hashirim in the beis hamidrash, they exclaimed to each other, "Behold, this is the best time for business! He used to be the invigorating spirit by us at this time. What happened to him...?!"

With Hashem still enabling Reb Sander to make money hand over fist, Reb Sander upended his wealth distribution in accordance with his new priorities. Impoverished Jews now received clothes and food and didn't need to worry any longer about lacking their basic necessities. He funded the building of Rebbe Nosson's new Kloiz in 5626/1866.

Despite all his physical exertions (toiveling in freezing mikveh waters & 12 hours of passionate prayer at Rebbe Nachman's graveside) and his formerly sensitive constitution, this same man now made do with just a bit of bread and a cheap Russian beverage called kavus: water flavored with beet juice.

Reb Sander started coming to Uman twice a month to pour out his soul at the kever of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov, even spending 12 hours in outpouring at Rebbe Nachman's kever.

The same mouth that used to shoot out barbs and witticisms turned into the source of some of today's classic Breslov melodies, including Breslov's Yedid Nefesh and the prayer for dew.

Renewed spiritual longing so filled Reb Sander that when Rav Avraham Chazan (the son of Rav Nachman Chazan) once walked along Pushkina Street, Rav Avraham heard strange and terrible screams. Thinking that perhaps someone had fallen into the hands of a murderer, Rav Avraham tentatively hurried toward the kever to see if he could help.

But it was only Reb Sander, begging Hashem with all his might for the merit to come even closer to Him.

Yes, Reb Sander remained a successful businessman, but he conducted his business in a completely different manner after his 3-week encounter with Rav Nachman Chazan.

He applied his business acumen toward the poor Jews of that time, as attentive to their needs as he used to be of his own.

The barbs Reb Sander once aimed at others were now re-directed to spur himself into the spiritual activities he found particularly challenging: "Clump of dust -- throw yourself in and immerse!" he yelled at himself several times before he managed to dunk himself in the icy waters of the mikveh.

Reb Sander didn't just transfer himself from one world to another.

Using the same keilim he had inside him all along, Reb Sander revolutionized himself from within.

May we all merit a similar transformation l'tovah.

*Rav Nachman Chazan of Tultchin (1813-1884) was a grandson of a devoted follower of the original Rebbe Nachman of Breslov, he first met Rebbe Nosson (the most devoted follower of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov and the main transcriber of Rebbe Nachman's words into Likutei Moharan, Chayai Moharan, and more) around the age of 9 and became Rebbe Nosson's closest disciple. Renowned for his heartfelt chazzanut (hence his family name "Chazan") and his great humility (after davening, he used to go himself to draw water into the water buckets for the shul). He published and edited Rebbe Nosson's Likutei Halachot. Later, Rav Nachman Chazan moved from Tultchin to the city of Breslov, and then to Uman, which shifted the focus of Breslov Chassidus away from the city of Breslov to the city of Uman. Despite being considered a tzaddik and one of the great leaders of Breslov Chassidut, Rav Nachman Chazan's profound humility and modesty lead him to serve as the shamash of Uman's Breslover shul rather than as it's rav.

Related Post:
2 Examples of Unforeseeable Personality Transformation

In the chapter Zivug in Pele Yoetz, Rav Eliezer Papo humbly offers his delineation of 3 different types of decrees and how one should relate to the third type of decree:
 
1) A good beneficial decree that will come upon a person, even against his will, and no bad will come from it. On the contrary, the Sages explain that such a decree will even uplift a person.

2) A bad decree that has been written and sealed in Heaven; there is no rescuer.

3) A decree that comes according to a person's requests and efforts.

Regarding the above, the Pele Yoetz advises:

Asking of and praying to Hashem -- inundating him with your requests -- affects decrees from the third category.

And "efforts" include so much. When you express gratitude for 100 different things (or even just 20 different things), you are changing yourself from within and re-making yourself into a vessel for blessing and good decrees.

When you give tzedakah, your are changing your spiritual form.

When you decide to do any good deed, you are changing your destiny.

You can go from being a treif-eater to a Jew who only eats kosher. You become a different person inside, and that affects the Heavenly decrees pertaining to you.

When you remain silent in the face of an insult, when you hold back the lashon hara exploding in your mouth and heart, when you say "thank you!" instead of "how dare you!" -- you are making yourself a receptacle for blessing and sweet decrees.

In the above, the Pele Yoetz placed his delineation of decrees in the section on meriting one's soulmate.

But really, the concept applies to so much more.

May we all merit to become vessels of sweet decrees and blessings.

Another issue I think holds some people back from learning original texts by tzaddikim is the cult-indoctrinated effect of black-and-white thinking.

Black-and-white thinking leads to "either-or" conclusions.

For example, someone hears that she should light Shabbat candles 10 minutes early to facilitate powerful and additional blessing in her life. So let's say she tries and lights only 5 minutes early. Or she lights exactly on time (10 minutes late, in her mind). Or she even lights 7 minutes after the designated time.

"Because I didn't manage the extra 10 minutes," she might say, "then I failed."

Black-and-white thinking: "Either I manage to light 10 minutes early and receive reward, or I don't and so it means nothing."

"Either I succeeded or I failed."

"Either I receive reward or I receive nothing/or I receive punishment."

This prevents the kind of complex, mind-expanding thought necessary to deal with real spirituality and paradox. And paradox is exactly what Judaism addresses all the time. For example, the paradox of the free will to do anything, yet Hashem controls everything and knows everything in advance. Or the paradox of Hashem being All Compassionate yet there is the Holocaust.

In the above candle-lighting example, a black-and-white thinker denies the fact of spiritual physics: Just the bare truth that she MADE A SINCERE EFFORT to light candles 10 minutes early, then that etched a positive imprint on her soul and also enhances her into a vessel for blessing.

Children think in black-and-white, but adults are supposed to be more advanced than that. Yet because Western society has turned into a cult, and many of us have been raised in this cult-like environment, we can find ourselves affected by black-and-white thinking without even realizing it.

(And because black-and-white thinking leads to despair and hopelessness, this is a major reason why so many people in modern society are depressed or snarky or negative or escapist.)

Also, even an Orthodox environment can unintentionally use cult tactics to teach Torah, which can also affect people negatively, despite the genuine Torah encased within the cult tactics.

Anyway, a lot of Chazal's writings assume that you're in a Jewish community with access to normal non-cultish thinking.

So for example, in his chapter on Zivug/A Spouse, the Pele Yoetz brings forth all the familiar stuff, like how your zivug is determined in Shamayim before conception, yet also encourages practical efforts and offers advice, like to ignore material assets in favor of character assets.

But he offers seemingly contradictory advice within. This is because if follow one directive and you're not successful, then you have the contrasting directive as Plan B.

This is Hashem's way of getting you where He wants you to go. You start off one path, but then Hashem nudges you to veer off to another path.

This is sort of like how a Jew does his or her best to keep Shabbat and avoid transgressions, but if Hashem wants a child born on Shabbat, then He sends the signals loud and clear, which cause the parents to transgress Shabbat (calling an ambulance, etc.) -- and such a transgression is actually a mitzvah in this case and ratzon Hashem. So there is no contradiction between keeping the laws of Shabbat and calling an ambulance on Shabbat.

Likewise, the Pele Yoetz refers to earlier Sages who advised a man against marrying a widow because she is likely to recall him fondly, even as she never mentions this to her second husband. "And what if the first was pleasant and the second is a difficult person?" the Pele Yoetz posits. "Then she will despise the second one in her heart." (This seems an obvious hint of advice to the second husband to behave well. See? Rav Papo sprinkles important messages throughout the whole book.)

Then he introduces scarier information, like how the Zohar says that marrying a widow is placing oneself in danger similar to casting oneself to sail in the great ocean.

And then he strongly recommends that avoid marrying a divorcee or widow, and only marry a woman who has never been with a man before.

But then he says:

So the above will confuse a black-and-white thinker because the Pele Yoetz so strongly opposes marrying a divorcee or widow, yet seems to capitulate when there's no other choice.

So a black-and-white thinker will say, "Oh, there's no point because look at how bad it is to marry a widow or divorcee." ("Either I need to marry a never-married woman or it's not worth getting married at all!")

And what about the words of the Pele Yoetz, insisting that at the end of the day, a man needs to marry whoever he can?

"Oh, he's just saying that," says the black-and-white thinker. "But we know what he REALLY means -- you're not supposed to marry a widow or divorcee." (See? The black-and-white thinker starts engaging in all sorts of discouraging chachamahs, which lead to despair and inertia.)

And what about the Pele Yoetz's final words on the matter, words which clearly imply that if you can't find a never-married woman, then that's Hashem's way of telling you that the willing divorcee or widow is your real zivug?

"Oh, he's just saying that," dismisses the black-and-white thinker. Or, "Rav Papo was on such a high level, we can't understand what he really meant by that."

And if you try to point out (in the spirit of his words: "And these are the wonders that come from the Perfect Knowing One. And Hashem will not withhold good from those who walk with sincere intentions") that Yehoshua bin Nun married Rachav and things worked out excellently for them (8 prophets descended from them, including Chuldah), or you point out couples you know personally, like say a formerly never-married guy in a very happy marriage with a divorcee and so on, then the black-and-white thinker will wave you off and act like YOU are the one who just doesn't understand.

Now, if you feel like you engage in black-and-white thinking like the above, then don't worry. I used to do it too, but baruch Hashem, when you read the words of tzaddikim and make an effort on whatever level you're at to understand what they could possibly mean, then that's exactly what helps you out of your black-and-white tendency.

It doesn't happen overnight, but slowly, your mind starts to heal from all the brainwashing and it opens up like a flower awakening after a long winter.

Side Point: I do think the above chapter is one of the things that relates to Rav Papo's times to a certain extent.

Today, you unfortunately have many people with previous -- even many previous -- relationships prior to marriage. Some of these relationships still linger in the person's mind, yet some are completely forgettable, and the reality of the person's true feelings depends.

And because of the Pele Yoetz's concern for the zivug-seeker's mitzvah of being fruitful, he seems to be addressing a man who has never been married himself. So this is different now, but there are still aspects of this message that apply today.

Also -- and this is a big deal -- it seems to me that they assume that if you're reading their book, then you're reading the whole book (even if it takes you a long time), and not just a chapter or snippet without eventually imbibing the whole thing.

I noticed that whether it's the Kli Yakar commentary on Chumash or the Pele Yoetz mussar guide for life or anyone else, if you don't read the whole thing, then you aren't going to get the whole message or their real attitude about various issues.

For example, even though the Pele Yoetz has a chapter on Women/Nashim and another on Love between Husband & Wife/Ahavat Ish v'Ishah, you are not going to get his full views on women or marriage unless you read the entire work because he sprinkles different or repeated ideas throughout, and there are vital messages in other chapters that aren't where you think they'd be.

May Hashem imbue us all with the knowledge, wisdom, & insight to understand.
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Related link:
How to Avoid being a Victim of Mind Control