Please see the full article here:
First Emuna, Then Understanding

I wanted to add a bit to the previous post Saving Yourself through 20 Thank Yous a Day.

As stated, expressing gratitude to God for both the good and the bad is a tremendously powerful act on the side of good.

Some people see obvious and desirable results from doing this kind of thing, while others don't.

As described in another post, one person who listed 1000 gratitudes in 1 day received a gift of $1000 a couple of days later. (Who knew the rate of exchange at that time was a dollar per gratitude?)

Yet I knew someone else who wrote down 100 gratitudes a day for 40 days (GREAT idea!), and saw nothing from it.

So why is that 4000 gratitudes reaped no obvious reward while 1000 gratitudes did?

The truth is that the reward of the 4000 gratitudes is hidden.

For all we know, a harsh decree was hanging over the neighborhood of the 40-dayer and her 4000 gratitudes completely nullified it.

Yet how will we ever know about that?

These kinds of things are only revealed in the World to Come.

So the 1-dayer got financial payback for her 1000 while the 40-dayer received unseen payback for her 4000. (Not to mention the incredible positive effect on her soul for writing down 100 gratitudes a day for over a month -- very significant!) Perhaps she averted a decree on her community, her family, or herself.

Who knows? Only Hashem.

Just like with the story of Rebbe Akivah's daughter who took care of a poor man at her own wedding by giving him her own portion of food, and then merited to stab a viper with her hairpin -- a viper meant to kill her, yet her compassion and generosity averted this awful decree.

Yet no one knew about this until after she saw the dead viper impaled on the hairpin and then heard the explanation from Rebbe Akiva.

Had she just forgotten about her hairpin or had the hairpin been removed from the wall without dislodging the dead viper, she never would've known about the frightening death she nearly missed.

In Shamayim, there are scales (so to speak, not physical scales) of judgement.

There are national scales, community scales, personal scales...and our deeds determine which way each scale swings.

And you must know that this is absolutely true.

This means that all your gratitudes, all the items on your list, your 10 little fingers and your 10 stubby toes, everything goes on to these scales to add weight to the side of merit.

It's not arrogance to know that your good deeds have weight in Shamayim.

It's the Truth.

And if you've made a list of gratitude -- whether you did it only once or you're doing it every day -- then I am personally grateful to you.

Why?

Because we all benefit from even your smallest expression of gratitude to Hashem.

And that is just the plain Truth of it.

May we merit to have all our desires fulfilled l'tovah -- in an obviously beneficial manner.

Related links:
The Story of Rebbe Akiva's Daughter
You Don't Need to be a Tzaddik to Get Your Prayers Answered (Please scroll down to True Story #3 to see the story of $1000 for 1000 gratitudes.)

Basically, this verse is meant to be a far-reaching call for public praise of God.

And seeing as I kept running into spiders all last week, including one chillingly enormous one, and now this cute little gecko, I'm getting the message.

Please bear with me as I do my best to clang those cymbals.

When someone is going through a very hard time, feeling spiritually stuck, and not getting some very understandable desires fulfilled, and then asked advice from Rav Shalom Arush, I've heard that he has advised them to write down 20 things for which they're grateful...including the nisayon that is plaguing them so much.

I found it interesting that he didn't tell very stuck people to express gratitude for 10 minutes, but instead recommended a list, which can be finished in a minute or two.

It just goes to show you that he understands different people and what they're dealing with. It takes tremendous wisdom to be able to relate to and advise people where they're currently at, even if it means watering things down until to the bare minimum, just to make it manageable.

Yet for people who are feeling very stuck and bitter, even 20 things seems like too much. Furthermore, it's admittedly painful to include the very thing you desire.

However, we know that Chazal is unanimous in the fact that Hashem only does what's best for us, even if a particular event causes us a lot of anguish or confusion. Hashem takes everything into account, including past-life events and much much more.

Fortunately, Hashem doesn't necessarily expect us to feel grateful for a painful nisayon.

It's perfectly acceptable to say something like, "Hashem, I have no clue how this can possibly be good in any way, but because they say everything You do is somehow good, I thank You for it anyway, even though it's killing me."

That's actual a huge expression of emuna, depending on where you're coming from. If it's a very, very painful or traumatic or aggravating nisayon that's wrecking your life, then it is extremely powerful to thank Hashem for it.

I've done this literally in tears a few times, so I can empathize if you find expressing this kind of gratitude emotionally excruciating.

To make things even more challenging, sometimes (NOT always) the situation gets worse and then it gets better -- even miraculously better. The key is to keep up the 20 gratitudes a day, even if things get worse.

It's one of these things that the harder it is to do, the more powerful it is, and the more blessing and merit you reap from doing it -- and not just for yourself, but for the whole world.

So what's one way to complete the 20 gratitudes when you are stuck in a low, bitter, dark place?

Well, you can count all your fingers and toes.

Seriously. I've done it.

You say (or write down): "You are so Great, God. Thank You for my right pinky finger, my left pinky finger, my right ring finger, my left ring finger...my third right toe, my third left toe..." And so on.

Now I realize that some people, may Hashem have mercy, lack a toe or a finger. In that case, one can replace it with another limb or organ. For example, "You are so Great, God. Thank You for my left eye and for my right eye. Thank You for saliva. Thank You for my liver. Thank You for my tongue."

And somewhere in that list of 20, you add in your nisayon.

For example, "You are so Great, God. Thank You for my right thumb, thank You for my left thumb, thank You for this heartbreaking nisayon of:

• not having children
• finding myself in such a soul-destroying marriage
• losing so much money
• not having a job
• being raised by such dysfunctional narcissists
• being ill for so long
• [whatever your particular nisayon is]"

Again, if it's something that causes you a lot of anguish, even a robotic expression of gratitude is likely to be very difficult.

Yet many people have seen a real sweetening of judgement by doing the above, and even getting their prayers answered in the way they wanted.

Having said that, there are no guarantees. There's no way to know your past-life deeds or your soul's mission and what Hashem has determined as best for you and what He sees you as needing to accomplish in this lifetime.

But at the same time, expressing gratitude is one of the most powerful and conducive acts you could ever perform to fulfill your prayers.

In other words, expressing 20 gratitudes a day is your best bet for fulfilling your heart's desire, even though are no guarantees.

Nonetheless, it is your BEST chance.

Of course, you can also leave out the nisayon and just stick with your 10 toes and 10 fingers.

But the main thing is to just do the daily 20.

Even if you're feeling stuck, angry at Hashem, overwhelmed, traumatized, disconnected, or dead inside, if you could just somehow force yourself to write down (or say out loud) the 20, then that has the best chance of helping.

And if you do it, but you don't perceive a difference in yourself or your life?

Then you still haven't lost anything; you've only gained.

You've still provided a lot of merit and blessing for both yourself and others that you will see the fruits of one day.
___________
May Mashiach come & may Hashem put an end to all our suffering.

For stories of others who were saved by saying thank You:
First Emuna, Then Understanding
Garden of Miracles
Thanking Hashem for Our Troubles
It Hurts, But Thanks!

In Garden of Emuna, Rav Arush tells the true story of two brothers.

One had become superfrum and was doing everything l'mehadrin. Yet he kept getting hit with one difficulty after another. In other words, his life was a big unpleasant mess. He was understandably bitter and resentful at being "punished" after investing so much in doing what he understood to be God's Will.

To compound things, he had a secular brother who was regularly talking to and thanking Hashem, and generally a cheerful guy, for whom life was going swimmingly. Money was rolling in, he was healthy, life was good.

So the frum brother wanted Rav Arush to explain what was going on.

Rav Arush explained that the secular brother had an emuna outlook, even if he wasn't actualizing it through all the mitzvot right now. But he would definitely get there, he would definitely become a wholly committed Jew.

Conversely, the superfrum brother constantly complained. Yes, things were indeed difficult, but he was serving Hashem with no joy and not expressing any gratitude for what Hashem had given him; life wasn't ALL bad.

The superfrum brother's bitterness and ingratitude was actually heaping judgement on him.

Rav Arush compared it to 2 kinds of cars. (I can't find the place in the book where he wrote this, so I hope I get it right!):

The secular brother was an old rundown car chugging along, but he was chugging along in the right direction. Eventually, he'll make it to the right destination, even if it takes time and breakdowns to get there.

The superfrum brother symbolized a shiny new model of car, but one which was zooming directly toward the wrong goal. Despite his superior shape and automation, he was actually moving very fast in the opposite direction of the correct goal, and hence had no chance of making it to the right destination (unless he decided to change course immediately).

Food for thought.

A few months ago, Breslov Israel put up a video (can't find it now) of a guy who'd recently joined the Chut Shel Chessed Yeshivah in Jerusalem.

Until then, he'd been a night club owner in Eilat. In fact, he owned several night clubs, all opened on Shabbat and all facilitating all the transgressions associated with such a lifestyle.

Anyway, due to a car accident in which a book of Tehillim he "coincidentally" had in his car fell open on his chest to a certain perek that really spoke to him, this young man started talking to God.

In fact, he took his Mercedes up into the nearby rocky hills to speak with Hashem without knowing that this was called hitbodedut or anything like that. He'd spend an hour or more there, just talking to Hashem about his needs and thanking him for all the success with the clubs.

The funny side to this was that the police grew suspicious upon seeing a Mercedes in an abandoned area and kept coming to arrest him for what they were sure was illicit behavior like drugs, etc. After several times, they were like, "Oh, gosh. You AGAIN?"

Anyway, this young man started to be astounded at the exactness with which Hashem would answer him. If he needed his clubs to make an extra 150 shekels to cover expenses, then he would somehow receive exactly 150 shekels. And this kind of preciseness kept up.

Anyway, he kept on like this until he couldn't stand his lifestyle any longer. He sold the clubs (which made his family and partners think he was nuts because he was raking in tons of money) and when 2 Breslover emissaries showed up (I think one of them teaches at my son's school), he went with them to Chut Shel Chessed.

The video was only 20 minutes and when I got to the end, I realized that the guy was actually not remotely mitzvah observant until the end. Meaning, he was going up to the rocky hills and doing hitbodedut and asking for success with his night clubs that were open on Shabbat and hosted lots of other sinful activities.

And he was reaping success!

I listened to the whole thing again and sure enough, this guy was not remotely frum at that time he was cultivating this really intense relationship with Hashem.

How can this be?

Because by working from the inside-out, you'll eventually get where you need to go.

Then I recalled my own experience with this.

In an earlier post, I wrote about how I found myself at age 16 on New Year's Eve and no party to go to. Feeling depressed and pathetic, I turned to this English book of Psalms I'd found on my parents' bookshelves in the TV room. I had no clue you're supposed to say Tehillim by the chapter and instead just jumped around, reading whatever verses appealed to me and fit my mood the most.

My mood started lifting.

Then the telephone rang and a friend of mine invited me to go to a party.

I was thrilled -- more that Hashem had answered my unspoken prayer than about the party, although I was excited about the party too. Fortunately, it was a really lame gathering and basically dampened any enthusiasm for New Year's parties in general ever since. (And just for knowing, I've long since stopped celebrating the Julian New Year for years now.)

Rabbi Wallerstein also spoke of fighting his gambling addiction when he hit bottom and stood to lose everything. He begged Hashem to just let him win big one more time, and then he'd never go to a casino again. He even quipped "Poor God!" because as he explained it, "I -- nebbuch -- shlepped the Shechinah into the casino."

But in His Great Mercy and Forbearance, Hashem let Rabbi Wallerstein win enough to cover all his debts.

(And then a month later, he was back in the casino. But Hashem was still with him and orchestrated things so that Rabbi Wallerstein picked up a copy of Kav Hayashar, which said scary things about gambling and scary things in general, and that got Rabbi Wallerstein to break his addiction. Phew! Yishtabach Shemo!)

So what's the lesson here?

These types of stories, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender's mussar, and my own experiences have convinced me that the only and best way to help people is to get them to start talking to Hashem as their One True Best Friend who always loves them no matter what.

In her book, Turn Around, Rebbetzin Orit Esther Reiter even recommends sitting down with a cup of coffee to start talking to Hashem the way you would with a good friend.

Rav Shalom Arush recommends starting off with 20 minutes of gratitude and thanking, then 20 minutes of confession and saying what you feel bad about, then 20 minutes of requests. (You can also cut this down or play around with the ratios if you find 20/20/20 overwhelming at first.)

However you manage it, I just see that at some point, people get stuck if the relationship isn't there.

I got stuck myself at one point. (Actually, more than just once.)

And that makes sense.

I mean, after all, what's the point of being a frum atheist?

But in addition to frum people, people who are very assimilated need to start developing this relationship with Hashem.

As the surrounding Western cultures become more bizarre and unhealthy, it can be much harder to speak to people who are totally assimilated.

In fact, I remember myself at the beginning of my Torah journey and there were things I just couldn't understand that I both understand and embrace now.

I honestly see it as being in completely different dimension.

So it's important to realize that Hashem loves you and cares about you and wants a relationship with you, regardless of what kind of person you are now and what you've done.

Just the fact that you're reaching out to him in your own words reaps huge changes, whether you immediately perceive them or not.
____________

Related links:
Turn Around: 180 Degrees in 180 Days by Orit Esther Riter
Daily Dose of Emuna
The Theory of Absolute (one of several times Rabbi Wallerstein tells his story of gambling addiction and exit, his story starts at around 15 minutes)
Torah Perspectives on Addiction (one of several talks Rabbi Wallerstein has given on his prior addiction and lessons learned)
What is the Main Purpose of Your Existence?
Books that Changed My Life: Tehillim (this is the full story of that New Year's Eve and how I even knew about Tehillim in the first place)

In his wonderful book, Ahavat Kedumim (A Commentary on The Lost Princess), Rav Ofer Erez discusses a concept you've likely heard of: the 4 Elements and how they affect you.

This is a way to understand your nature, what's motivating you, and how to cultivate the positive expressions of some pretty negative roots.

In other words, Rav Erez's description of this system leads to greater self-awareness and shows how you can use this knowledge for self-transformation, to get from Point A to Point B.

The 4 elements are:

• fire
• air
• water
• earth

If you can manage the Hebrew (or if the book hopefully gets translated into the language of your choice), the discussion is found on pages 85-86 and is connected to the part of the story in which the hapless viceroy finds himself in the Palace of the "Not Good."

Each element possesses a negative root, which can then be transformed into a force for goodness and holiness.

Rav Ofer Erez also points out that each person possesses different quantities and arrangements of these 4 elements.

For example, one person may be heavy with "fire" and light with the rest. Another person may find themselves heavy with "fire" and "air," light on "water," while "earth" is nearly non-existent. Others may feel they're equally comprised of all 4 elements while another may feel that one or 2 elements stand out, but there is actually a third element setting the foundation for the others.

And so on.

So with that, here they are:

Root: Arrogance & anger

Positive expression: "Tov l'hodot l'Hashem -- It's good to thank Hashem."

• Emuna
• Optimism
• Humility
• Bitachon (trust in God)
• Seeing the good in everything
• Being happy with what one has
• Investing spiritual efforts with enthusiasm
• Wisdom combined with healthy logic
• Interpreting reality correctly

Root: Corrupted speech

Positive expression: "V'amcha kulam tzaddikim -- And Your Nation is comprised entirely of righteous people."

• Giving the benefit of the doubt
• Compassion
• Loyalty
• Listening
• Accepting others as they really are
• Precision (diyuk; I think this means avoiding statements of exaggeration and melodrama)
• Minimizing the amount of talking one engages in
• Holy speech for the sake of Am Yisrael
• The power of tefillah
• The power of private discussions with Hashem (hitbodedut)
• Wisdom emanating from a higher awareness that arrives on its own

Root: Earthly pleasures & envy

Positive expression: "Lev basar -- a heart of flesh," "Lev tahor bara li Elokim -- "O Lord, create within me a pure heart."

• Love
• Caring
• Warmth
• Protectiveness
• Innocence
• Giving of oneself
• Doing things for others
• Being satisfied with little
• Spiritual pleasure
• Love of learning
• The ability to delve deeply into practical knowledge
• Taking an interest in all subject matters

Root: Indolence, laziness, heaviness

Positive expression: "L'hiot b'simcha tamid -- to always be in a state of joy."

• Joy
• Happiness
• Energy
• Vitality
• Nimbleness
• Reassurance
• Yielding (vatranut)
• The ability to rejoice
• The ability to become healed
• The ability to recover good health
• The ability to cause others to blossom
• The ability to revitalize others
• Stability
• Perseverance
• Alacrity in both practical and spiritual matters
• Emotional intelligence
• A high level of psychological wisdom
• Awareness of others' psychological state

You can muse over the above in your head, use it in a freewrite or mind map, or paint it out, and talk it over with Hashem (or all of the above).

Another valuable insight this provides is it demonstrates how hard it is to give advice and find the right kind of adviser. A person working on her "fire" aspect can easily give the wrong advice and direction to someone who desperately needs to focus on her "water" aspect.

As another example, we see that in its highest form, the "earth" aspect is a kind of spiritual coach who facilitates healing and growth in others, while the "air" aspect is very interactive, listening and speaking constructively either with people or with Hashem.

Both the adviser and the one receiving the advice need to be aware of well-meaning yet misleading guidance.

Having said, it's certainly true that everyone needs to work on, say, the trait of humility. But a "fire" personality will face a different and thornier struggle than the "earth" personality.

Conversely, everyone needs to work on the trait of zerizut (doing good things with alacrity and not wasting time), but the zerizut-challenged "earth" personality will face a different and thornier struggle than that of the "fire" personality, who is already zariz, but simply needs to infuse the zerizut with enthusiasm and gratitude rather than self-righteousness and anger.
_________________
May we all succeed in completing our tikkun in this lifetime without trials or humiliations.

Related links:
Rav Ofer Erez in English

In his wonderful book, Ahavat Kedumim (A Commentary on The Lost Princess), Rav Ofer Erez emphasizes the importance of listening to the voice of the neshamah, the level of soul that is purest and most in touch with God.

To briefly digress, he also discusses other parts of the soul, such as the nefesh and the ruach.

Nefesh
The nefesh is the source of all cravings and desires -- taavos.
It's split into two parts:

• The animal soul (nefesh habeheima), which craves eating, drinking, material gain, and illicit relationships
• The Godly soul (nefesh haElokit), which craves the truly good things, like closeness with Hashem, Torah study, and self-improvement

Ruach
The ruach lies between the neshamah and the nefesh. It's all about feelings and emotions. Sometimes these are spiritually elevated feelings and sometimes these are lowly petty emotions.
_________________
Despite the immense pull of the ruach and nefesh, it's vitally important to listen to the quiet, thin voice of the neshamah.

Doing so gives us good ruach and elevates the nefesh habeheima to the nefesh haElokit.

So what are the basic principles for discerning the voice of the neshamah?

If the advice, thought, or idea you receive does the following:

• Fills you with joy
• Brings you closer to Hashem

...then it's come from a good place, a place of holiness.

However, if the advice, thought, or idea you receive SOUNDS good, yet does the following:

• Fills you with dread or sadness or depression
• Ultimately causes you to grow distant from God
• Ultimately causes you do refrain from doing good

...then it's a sign that this originates from a klippah (a negative spiritual shell which hides or entraps positive spirituality), which has come to distance you from Hashem via all sorts of chachamot, all sorts rationalizations.

We see from the above the combination of both feeling good AND being good are important.

For example, you may fill up with joy when you receive an entire chocolate cheesecake for yourself, or when you commit an act of revenge, or when you snipe at someone, or when you write a particularly scathing letter to the editor...but do you feel closer to God with these acts?

Likely not. (Unless your god is something else, chas v'shalom).

By the way, it's normal to feel more than one feeling. For example, you might be excited to carry out a good deed, but you might feel anxious too. It depends.

Conversely, you might learn of the importance of a particular mitzvah or custom, but the thought of doing it fills you with dread and heaviness -- or panic and anxiety. You start to feel resentful of the obligations God "yokes" on you.

Also, perhaps you start off well, but then the new direction leads you into doing things that aren't good and leave you feeling far from Hashem (if you think about Hashem at all in such a situation). For example, maybe you start feeling harsh, superior, controlling, enraged, useless, or violent. Or you start cheating, lying, or spending too much time with the opposite gender when you aren't married to him/her, and so forth.

(God forbid.)

It's not that you shouldn't ever push yourself, but maybe you're more excited about hosting hippies for Shabbat than you are about cooking a meal for a woman after birth? Or maybe it's the other way around -- you love cooking for the sick and their families, but hosting people stresses you out and while preparing for guests, you find yourself yelling at your family and hating yourself?

Maybe Hashem wants you to do something else.

Yes, it can be difficult to figure things out when other voices are so strong. There are lots of good ideas. But are they right for YOU?

Again, looking over some of the last few posts:
Was Sara Imeinu supposed to be a Rivka Imeinu?
Was Rivka Imeinu supposed to be a Sara Imeinu?
Was Chana supposed to be Devorah Haneviah or vice versa?

No, no, and no.

They all did good things, very powerfully and resoundingly good things.

But they didn't do the same things.

So to sum up:

The klippah's voice:

• Fills you with dread or sadness
• Ultimately causes you to grow distant from God
• Ultimately causes you do refrain from doing good

The neshamah's voice:

• Fills you with joy
• Brings you closer to Hashem

What is the thin, quiet voice of your neshamah saying to you?
____________

Posts mentioned within:
Rav Ofer Erez in English
Why a Leah Imeinu Can't (and Shouldn't) be a Sara Imeinu
The Overlooked Prophetess: Chana
Tanach: The Garden of Role Models

Sometimes, I find it very easy to sit down and talk to Hashem.

If I have a pressing or embarrassing problem, it's easier for things to pour out than when I have my routine problems. (Although not always. If there's a lot fear involved, I find it very difficult.)

But then there's also the issue of concentration.

I was a dreamy child who never completely lost that tendency to tune out and start daydreaming about other things. This is sort of embarrassing when talking to the Creator of the Universe and my mind starts wandering, only for me to come around half-an-hour later and wonder where all the time went.

However, this only proves Hashem's Tremendous Compassion and Love.

Can you imagine standing before a human world leader and as you explain your petition, your face suddenly goes slack as you start to daydream standing before him or you suddenly start rambling to yourself about totally unrelated fluff?

That would be really weird.

But Hashem is okay with it as long as you're trying. He never expects you to be perfect.

It just goes to show how far I really am from real cognizance of Who Hashem really is.

But it's also a sign of how comfortable I feel with Him because at least there's recognition that He is so Forgiving and Understanding and Patient.

But how to re-orient myself?

And what about those days where it just doesn't seem to go?

To be perfectly upfront, I don't manage to do it some days, maybe just a few minutes at most. Sometimes I only manage a really geshmak talk with Hashem only on Shabbat.

So how do I get myself back on track, whether it's reining in a flighty mind or finding the quiet mental space to do it or getting back in the habit?

Well, I find that Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender's advice works best.

First of all, Rav Bender (and Rebbe Nachman and Rebbe Nosson) reassure us that yes, sometimes communing with Hashem will feel "dry." Frustrating & disappointing, yet true.

However, it's still a powerful act that reaps major reward and blessing even though you won't sense the reward and blessing at all in those "dry" phases. The "dry" talks also have an accumulative effect, meaning that they add up and often produce a welcome break-through later on.

So that's good to keep in mind when the relationship just feels dry and drab.

Secondly, Rav Bender encourages us to talk to Hashem as we would speak to a true best friend (Words of Faith, page 477):

A "faithful, beloved friend."

Think about that for a minute.

What is a faithful, beloved friend?

• One who CERTAINLY accepts your words -- no cynicism or put-downs, just all-embracing.
• One who forgives you -- as simple as that. No grudges or distrust.
• One who continues to do you good -- Complete forgiveness and good will. Love Warmth. Affection.

This is Hashem, the Best Friend you'll ever have.

So sometimes I think to myself, "If a really good friend of mine were to call me right now, what would I say to her?" After all, I'm unlikely to tell a really good beloved friend that I have nothing to say to her, so we'll talk another time. Right? So I think of what I might say to her and then start saying it to Hashem.

Other times, I just say, "Okay, Hashem. You're my One True Good Friend" and then I start talking to him from there.

Recently, I heard of a tzaddik who always started off talking to Hashem by saying "Hakadosh Baruch Hu, Yitbarach Shimcha" -- "The Holy One Blessed Be He, Blessed is Your Name" -- and this is a great way to orient yourself. It's very important to praise Hashem before you say anything else, so whether you're giving God a thumbs-up and saying "You, my One True BFF" or "Hakadosh Baruch Hu, Yitbarach Shimcha," it's really good.

And although Rav Bender idealizes talking to Hashem for hours all day long, he still heaps praises on the act of talking to Hashem for only 5 minutes.

Anything you can do is very powerful and affects both you and the whole world positively.

It's always embarrassing to use myself as an example because I don't do this as I should, I don't have any impressive accomplishments, and so on.

(And I have no 6-8 hours hitbodedut marathons to speak of, but I'm still hoping...)

There are other people who are doing things much better and you have a lot more to learn from them.

However, I did want to give encouragement to any other people who also tend to bumble through lofty spiritual acts or get distracted easily or aren't consistent, or whatever flaws you're struggling against.

It's okay to bumble!

Despite everything, I still feel like I've gained a tremendous amount from my clumsy, bumbling, inconsistent efforts.

So please don't be discouraged by whatever character flaws or obstacles or embarrassing tendencies you may have.

As a fellow bumbler, I'm telling you that it's very, very worth it. You still get things out of it that you'd never imagine otherwise.

Seriously.

Hashem really is your Forgiving, Understanding, Warm, Generous, Loving Best Friend.

Chana was very different than many of the other awe-inspiring personalities that appear throughout Tanach.

In fact, she doesn't seem to be known by an official title like so many others, such as Sara Imeinu or Esther Hamalka or Devorah Haneviah; even though Chana was definitely a prophetess, she's not colloquially known as "Chana Haneviah." She's sometimes called "Chana, mother of Shmuel Hanavi" when there's a need to clarify which Chana is being discussed, but in my experience, she's usually referred to as simply "Chana."

(In fact, I think people even tend to forget that aside from epitomizing tefillah, she was actually a top-ranking prophetess. Like, "Who were the 7 main prophetesses again? Sara, Devorah, Miriam, and...oh, Chana was one, right?")

Just for knowing, the 7 are: Sara Imeinu, Devorah Haneviah, Miriam Haneviah, Queen Esther, Chulda Haneviah, Avigail (wife of David Hamelech) and...Chana, mother of Shmuel Hanavi! And it's true that a lot of people forget about Chuldah Haneviah and Avigail too, but also Chana.

So as far as I know, Chana had a nice frum upbringing in a nice frum environment. She enjoyed a strong marriage to the noble and influential Elkanah from the Tribe of Levi, who loved her very much.

But because it seemed that Chana couldn't have children, Elkanah then married Penina, who went on to have 10 children. That's a whole list of accomplishments right there!

Elkanah brought the Jewish people closer to Hashem, and Chana was a quiet and seemingly passive helpmate in her husband's activities.

Chana and Penina likely would've gotten along fine except that Penina mistakenly assumed that Chana's infertility was due to a lack of heartfelt desire and prayer on Chana's part, so Penina decided to start making pointed comments to arouse Chana to a place of desperation for children (and desperation for a halt to Penina's hurtful treatment) and thus effect heartfelt prayers on Chana's part.

Astoundingly, there doesn't seem to be any record of Chana responding to Penina's barbs.

Instead, Chana continues to pray quietly to Hashem.

In fact, Chana doesn't even mention her distress or confide in her husband. Being an attentive husband, he notices on his own and tries to comfort her, but again, she doesn't respond and instead turns to Hashem.

(BTW, it's worth emphasizing Chana's determination to NOT report Penina's hurtful behavior to Elkanah. Certainly, a tactful report of Penina's treatment could be considered lashon hara l'toelet -- the beneficial purpose being that Elkanah would both judge Penina favorably for her good intentions yet at the same time, understand that her behavior needs to be stopped. In a display of mind-boggling strength of character, Chana neither responds to Penina's barbs nor does she speak lashon hara about Penina -- not even l'toelet.)

Finally, after facing a misunderstanding from a local Kohen as she prayed at the Beit Hamikdash, Chana finally gets pregnant and births Shmuel Hanavi.

She remained a stay-at-home nursing mother for the next couple of years, even refusing to go on another pilgrimage during that time.

Later Chana praises Hashem at length, prophesies a bit, has even more children, and then...we don't hear much about her again.

In fact, throughout most of Chana's story, she's a stay-at-home wife who davens a lot, who eventually becomes a stay-at-home mom who davens a lot, and achieves prophecy at times.

It's hard to know what else she did, though we can assume she engaged in chessed in her community, made meals for those sick or recovering from birth, gave to the poor, etc.

However, that's not what she KNOWN for. We never hear about it.

Today's secularists would call her a passive breeder tied to the stove, no identity of her own, blah, blah, blah. They would criticize Chana for not being more assertive, blame her for giving off "doormat" vibes that allow Penina to "bully" her, and so forth. They'd label her as a "masochist" or a "co-dependent" who needs expert guidance by a licensed therapist.

On the other hand, even in the frum community of that time, Chana doesn't seem to be known for running organizations, and working full-time so her husband can learn while keeping up a beautiful home, a beautiful appearance, and beautifully appareled children, or giving shiurim, etc.

Chana doesn't even go down in history for her very real status as prophetess or for anything else we consider important (whether it's talking to angels or running a soup kitchen or heading a prestigious girls seminary).

Did others speak about her as "Oh, Chana. She is always SO together! And she accomplishes SO much!"? Or did they say, "Oh, Chana. She's such a tzadekes. She's so holy, I'd like to get a bracha from her"?

(Or did they know anything about her at all? After all, she was very quiet and didn't get out much. Was she well-known in her own time?)

Interestingly, as quiet and unremarkable as Chana seems to be at superficial glance, her impact on Klal Yisrael resounds until today. In fact, we extract some of our most fundamental laws of prayer directly from Chana's method of prayer.

And until today, we learn that Chana's very name (and therefore her essence) represents the 3 fundamental laws for Jewish women:
Challah
Niddah
Hadlikat neirot for Shabbat and Yom Tov

And she produced one of our greatest prophets: Shmuel Hanavi.

In other words, Chana is mostly either silent or she's talking to Hashem. If I'm not mistaken, the one time she speaks of her pain to anyone else is only after she's confronted AND misunderstood -- by Eli Hakohen. And even then, she's very thoughtful and considerate in her response to his misinterpretation of her holy behavior.

(Remember, when her husband asks her why she's sad, if he's not better to her than 10 sons, Chana doesn't reply, doesn't even take that opportunity to finally reveal Penina's mistreatment. It's only when Eli Hakohen mistakes her for a brazen lush does she speak up -- and even then, she corrects his misconception with humility and sensitivity.)

Again, it's important to emphasize that this post is not denigrating more extroverted, visibly accomplished, energetic people.

We need ALL kinds!

Why?

Because this is what Hashem wants.

We need the Devorah Haneviahs who sit outside under the palm tree, available for mediation and peace-making, who then later ride out to war as the leader.

We need the Yaels who are piously cunning and handy with a tent peg.

We need the Sara Imeinus who engage in non-stop hospitality, outreach, teaching, and who are in general very assertive and fearless in face of fellow prophets, angels, and kings.

Hashem imbued the above people with those abilities because He WANTS them to utilize them in that manner.

But as mentioned in a previous post, the above have become the main types presented for emulation simply for practical reasons: Their stories are more "tellable" and their actions & accomplishments more noticeable.

But our tradition proves to us that we also need the Chanas and the Leah Imeinus.

A person behaving with true goodness and genuine humility regardless of their situation and environment is effecting a HUGE impact for good and sweetening din.

But who will ever know about it?

No one -- except the Only One who matters: Hashem.

The sincere spiritual efforts wrangled with unseen in near silence can spark impacts of such magnitude, their reverberations are reaped for eternity.
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A big challenge is being the person Hashem wants you to be.

Your society may have other ideas about what you are supposed to be doing and in what direction you need to move, but these ideas may be in direct opposition to what Hashem actually put you here for in the first place.

Likewise, well-meaning friends and "experts" can push you down a path that is all wrong for you.

People locked into their own personality and drives can struggle to see how your needs differ from theirs.

There are different ways of being good and different expressions of holiness.

Sara Imeinu was a strong, assertive, proactive personality.

She grew up in a tough environment, surrounded by powerful occultism and degenerates, yet she worked her way up to the level of Prophetess.

She actively assisted Avraham Avinu with his astounding hospitality and generosity. She reached out to teach the women of their time while Avraham Avinu worked with the men.

Sara Imeinu selflessly insisted that Avraham Avinu take in Hagar, and then with equal conviction, she insisted that Hagar and Yishmael be evicted when their presence proved a threat to Yitzchak Avinu.

As the first Jewish woman in the world, the leading Matriarch of the Jewish people, and a person of lofty righteousness and holiness, we should certainly emulate her.

But the question is do you need to be EXACTLY like Sara Imeinu?

What if you innately lack some of the qualities she personified or your personal situation isn't conducive to her type of accomplishments?

Leah Imeinu lived a quiet life undercover of earth-shattering events that kept occurring around her. Just in the plain text of the Torah, we hear from Rachel Imeinu far more than we hear from her sister Leah.

Leah quietly grew up in the spiritual darkness of ancient Mesopotamia with her sisters as some of her only allies. Yet she held strong to her emuna. She seemed to have spent much of her time in prayer to avoid marrying the awful Esav. Later, she received special signs from her compassionate sister Rachel Imeinu and quietly married Yaakov Avinu without Yaakov initially realizing she wasn't Rachel.

She was also the only Matriarch who was fertile from the outset.

And she never seemed to play the active role that even the seemingly more passive Rivka Imeinu played, when Rivka Imeinu orchestrated the birthright being given to Yaakov rather than Esav.

In fact, the most assertive act she committed was to offer a trade with Rachel Imeinu over the dudaim and then to quietly go out to meet Yaakov later. Oh, and then later she offered Zilpah the opportunity to marry Yaakov Avinu when Leah Imeinu saw she was no longer producing children.

Also, Leah Imeinu davened for her last pregnancy to be a girl so that her sister would have the merit of birthing more Tribes. Again, this was a powerful act with long-ranging global consequences (because it basically gave Yosef Hatzaddik to Rachel Imeinu and also gave Dina more masculine traits while Yosef received some feminine ones), but this powerful act of selflessness occurred in near silence privately between Leah Imeinu and Hashem.

And though Yaakov loved Leah, his love for his true zivug, Rachel, was so strong that Leah seemed hated in comparison -- a dynamic which, again, she accepted quietly, though we see from the names she gave her children that Yaakov's relationship with her meant a lot to her.

So at a superficial glance, Leah Imeinu's life seems to be one of quiet genteel passivity.

Yet Leah's role in Jewish history is firmly established. She is forever known as by the title of Leah Imeinu, the mother of Jewish royalty and Mashiach, and is the only one buried beside Yaakov Avinu.

Yet she was so different than Sara Imeinu.

As far as I know, there is no record of Leah Imeinu engaging in copious kiruv or continuous hospitality.

Leah and Sara were very different and both played very different albeit vital roles.

Yet they are both called "Imeinu."

I can imagine some of today's advisers and experts "helpfully" encouraging Leah Imeinu:
"Look at Sara Imeinu! THAT'S your goal. She reached a higher level of prophecy than her husband, so you need to do that too. You need to keep on pushing yourself until Hashem tells YOUR husband, 'Listen to the voice of Leah!' -- like how He told that to Avraham Avinu regarding Sara Imeinu. If she can do it, then you can too! You just need the right attitude. Oh, and by the way...Sara Imeinu spoke with angels and NEVER used dudaim. So just keep that mind too. Okay?"

Or:
"Leah, you really need to take charge of your family. I mean, ALL the other Imahot did so. Look at Sara with the whole Hagar and Yismael dynamic. Or Rivka Imeinu taking charge to make sure that Yaakov got the birthright. Or your own sister, Rachel Imeinu. I mean, she gave you signs, argued with her husband, demanded some dudaim...and for eternity, she'll be arguing with God on behalf of the Jewish people. If they can do it, why can't you? You need to more like everyone else if you ever want to be happy."

This can happen when the adviser isn't aware of the person's soul root, and isn't even aware of the vast difference in journeys people are meant to take through life.

There is nothing wrong with an impressive list of practical accomplishments if that's what you're meant to do.

If Hashem gifted you with a vibrant, dynamic, energetic personality, then go for it!

I'm not putting down vibrant accomplished energetic types.

The people running gemachim, giving shiurim, running chessed organizations, teaching, innovating, making hospital rounds, hosting at least 10 guests at every Shabbos meal, and more are vital to our community!

I've personally benefited from their activities, as many of us have, and they are surely doing what Hashem meant for them to be doing and will be richly rewarded for their numerous & valuable accomplishments.

I'm grateful they exist!

The reason why I'm focusing more on the Leah Imeinu personality is because in today's society, there is steady pressure for women to be out there and physically moving and producing visible tangible accomplishments.

Part of the reason for this is practical: Stories of people who achieve tangible visible accomplishments are enjoyable to read. There's plot, there's action...but conversely, it's admittedly boring and disappointing to read something like:
Shani suffered shalom bayis problems and infertility. So she davened.
Then she davened some more.
And even more!
She spoke at length to Hashem exactly like she spoke to her best friend in the world.
She did this for hours every day.
Shani also made sure to thank Him for at least 100 things every single day.
But her shalom bayis only improved minimally and she never had children.
Yet she never gave up on Hashem and rose greatly in emuna. But who ever noticed? It's not like she went around giving shiurim or writing books or blogging about her spiritual growth.
Anyway, she probably sweetened tons of din with her heartfelt connection to Hashem, but we can't know exactly how or what because only tzaddikim on the level of the Arizal can perceive such things.
Sorry for the not terribly satisfying story of a tzaddekes in our times.
The End.

Actually, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender does include stories of people like this in the books of his lectures, Words of Faith. But that's very unusual and he's the only person I know of who has done it.

So practically speaking, lecturers and writers must include interesting stories of accomplishments or else people won't read their articles or attend their shiurim.

But logically speaking, are visible tangible "out there!" accomplishments that what Hashem wants for every single woman?

According to the way less "out there" women like Leah Imeinu or Chana, mother of Shmuel, are lauded in Tanach, it seems that this isn't the ideal path for every single woman.

It depends. It's something that each person needs to figure out on her own.

So it stands to reason that there's nothing wrong with being a quiet inward-focused person if that's what you're meant to do.

But what if Sara Imeinu had tried to be like Leah Imeinu?

And what if Leah Imeinu had tried to be like Sara Imeinu?

Then we all would have lost out.
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Related articles:
Shechem, Yosef, and Dina
Loneliness & Rejection as Aspects of Mashiach
Different Courses for Different Horses

There is a special prayer of gratitude I've seen printed up and it gets passed out on laminated cards at bar mitzvahs and the like. Maybe you've even received one yourself.

I'm not sure who originally composed it, but it's written out as a personal outpouring to Hashem.

And while I intellectually know that it's essential to thank Hashem for the good as well as the bad, I sometimes find this difficult or agonizing if I'm going through a particularly painful time.

So reading this little card helps me out in those times when I don't have much heart to say the words on my own.

Also, because it's not a formal, institutionalized prayer, I believe you can feel free to say only parts of it, or just the first line or just the last line, or whatever you can manage. You can also add your own thoughts to it.

For example, there's a line that reads:
Creator of the World, I request forgiveness from the bottom of my heart if there were times I did not appreciate what You've given me and instead of saying "thank You," I only complained.

Well, speaking for myself, there's no IF. I definitely did not appreciate what Hashem was giving me and instead of saying thank You, I indeed complained and only complained. (Actually, it was more than complaining. It included tears of frustration & despair, caterwauling, accusations, and so on.) And it happened many times.

Just being honest.

So I can change that to read:
Borei Olam, I request forgiveness from the bottom of my heart for ALL the times I did not appreciate what You've given me and instead of saying "thank You," I only complained and in general responded with seething bitterness, resentment, rage, and self-pity.

The main thing is your heart and your honesty.

Also, I've translated the prayer into English. But personally, I prefer saying "koach" instead of "strength" and "Melech malchei hamelachim" instead of "King of kings of kings" (sounds weird in English, right?) and "Ribbono shel Olam" or "Adon Olam" instead of "Master of the World," and so on. So also feel free to mix in whatever languages best express yourself.

The main thing to keep in mind is this:
The happy fact about expressing gratitude to God is that ANY expression of gratitude, no matter how miniscule or half-hearted, is actually very powerful (even if we cannot perceive its effect).

King of kings of kings, The Holy One Blessed Be He, Master of the World -- thank You.
Thank you that I am standing here and thanking you.
And anything that I can possibly say to You is nothing in light of how much I truly need to thank You.
And so, I need to thank You for everything.
Thank You for everything in the universe.
Thank You for the many thousands of times You've helped me, supported me, saved me, rescued me, made me happy, healed me, protected me, encouraged me...
Thank You for always being with me.
Thank You for giving me the strength to fulfill mitzvot, the strength to do good deeds, and the strength to pray.
Thank You for all the times You helped me when I didn't know to say thank You.
Thank You for all the kindnesses You do for me each and every moment.
Thank You for each and every breath I take.
And thank You, Melech malchei hamelachim, also for all the things I don't have.
Thank You that it's hard for me at times.
Thank You for the times that are a bit sad for me too because everything is for my good. And even though I don't always see it as for my benefit, deep in my heart, I know that everything comes from You with grace and loving-kindness and tremendous compassion and it is the very best thing for me and is performed especially for me with precise and perfect hashgacha pratit (personal supervision), as only a Melech malchei hamelachim can do.
Thank You that it's sometimes difficult for me because only in that way can I know how to appreciate the good; only after we find ourselves in darkness is it possible to appreciate the light.
Thank You for the wonderful life You've given me.
Thank You for every miniscule thing I have because everything I have has been given to me by You, and not by anyone else.
Thank You for always listening to my prayers.
Creator of the World, I request forgiveness from the bottom of my heart if there were times I did not appreciate what You've given me and instead of saying "thank You," I only complained.
I am dust and ashes, and You are the entire universe.
Please, never distance Yourself from me.