Category: Hitbodedut

What Should You Chat about with Hashem?

17/9/2018

I just read a very useful article on talking to God.

He explains that by talking through your entire day with Hashem, you can rectify that day.

Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender also mentions this in Words of Faith.

The idea is that you should sit down and start talking to Hashem as if He is your Most Caring & Intimate Friend, who is Totally Trustworthy and Forever Forgiving.

In other words, the Unlimited Infinite Wholly-Omnipotent Master of the Universe is your personal BFF.

And then you speak about everything that passed over you during the day and everything you did—like a chatty report of your day.

This really chirked me up because as I’ve said before, I was always a dreamy type. Not ADD because I can focus well-enough, but sometimes what’s going on in my head can be more compelling than what’s going on around me, even if it’s something I’m actively doing myself.

Because I read Rav Arush's article at late morning, I felt it would be doable to start with the moment I woke up this morning. It seemed I could avoid getting distracted in the middle because we are only talking about a few hours, not 24 hours.

So I started with how my husband woke me up nicely and even though I was initially extremely sleepy due to having gone to bed way too late the night before, I still managed to get up at my husband’s first mumble and a minute later, I really felt fine and not sleep-deprived at all.

Yet I fully realized that this was nothing for which I could take credit because it is irrational to think that not only can I get up after such little sleep, but also feel perfectly fine a minute after doing so (especially since I haven’t gotten much sleep over the past few weeks AND a child already woke me up for a moment even earlier this morning)—and manage this all on my own koach.

Absurd, right?

So once again, it was “Thanks, Hashem! Very Nice & Generous of You—especially since it was my own fault that I went to bed so late in the first place!”

See? Very Forgiving is He.

And so it continued. I found things I did wrong (even though I’d only been awake for 5 hours so far), got some great insight into something I thought was innocent or neutral but was actually inconsiderate to Hashem, and also saw that anything good I seemed to have accomplished was yet another manifestation of Hashem’s Kindness to me because it involved accomplishments that I’m not capable of on my own (like not overeating, not obsessing over something worrisome, etc.).

So it was some nice fault-finding, slate-cleansing…and most importantly, feeling The Love.

I think this is a good way to start small if you tend to get distracted, overwhelmed, bored, or bogged down with the whole talking-to-God-in-your-own-words thing.

Please read Rav Arush’s article for more inspiration and a tip for when you’re truly tongue-tied:
A Prayer-Insurance Policy

And also, please read a previous post which is sort of Part I to this post:
The #1 Thing You Can Do to Cancel Negative Decrees

Well, I hope this works for you (if you hadn't been doing it already) and I hope it continues to work for me too because God knows I really need it.

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The #1 Thing You Can Do to Cancel Negative Decrees

16/9/2018

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Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender lived as a humble tzaddik in the Ukraine despite targeted Communist persecution. Because of their dedication to mitzvah observance, he and Rav Eliyahu Chaim Rosen even spent several weeks in a KGB prison, not knowing until the moment of release whether they would be murdered and discarded in an unknown grave.

In the book of his lectures, Words of Faith, Rav Bender stresses the importance of knowing that your prayers and words of Torah are of tremendous significance to Hashem.

ANY mitzvah or holy act is significant in the eyes of God.

On page 325, Vol I, Rav Bender exhorts you to have faith in yourself, explaining that you must say to yourself and to your yetzer hara:

“Even my actions, however they may be, are significant. Even my prayer is important in the eyes of Hashem Yitbarach.”

He defines this as “ ‘faith in oneself,’ which is imperative to advance in serving Hashem…”

Rav Bender explains the power of speaking to Hashem in your own words in a focused manner:

“If you merit to say words that come from peace of mind—words of hitbodedut between you and your Maker—they are definitely significant. Moreover, they smash through heavens! They are able to nullify decrees.”

(I’m assuming that “peace of mind” is “yishuv hadaas” in the original Yiddish.)

When a person focuses himself to speak out loud to Hashem, Hashem figuratively turns away from all His preoccupations and listens.

And because Hashem turns away from all His “Business” and all the matters “occupying” Him, He is NOT making decrees.

“Automatically, all decrees are nullified.”

So according to Rav Bender, you need to:

Have faith in yourself & the power of your prayers.
Know that your heartfelt words and good deeds (however imperfect they may be) are of tremendous significance.
Clear your mind of other distractions.
Focus your heart & mind toward Hashem.
Speak to Hashem as you'd speak to a close & genuinely caring friend.

Rav Bender emphasizes that this is the far-reaching power of ANYONE who “speaks words before Hashem Yitbarach.”

“But,” he concludes, “you need to know this and believe in it.”

May we all merit to speak words that smash through the heavens & nullify all negative decrees.

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Our Latest Research Indicates that Everything We've Been Promoting Based on Our Latest Research...is Wrong!

2/9/2018

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I just got an interesting quote in my Inbox [emphasis mine]:

In fact, we asked the people who participated in our research if they were getting therapy, and we discovered that there was a reasonably high correlation between getting therapy and getting a divorce. It was more likely that couples would get a divorce if they had therapy than if they had no therapy. This was especially true for individual therapy, but it was also true of couple therapy.

John Gottman, The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples

This issue is what has come up on this blog several times.

Conventional "solutions" touted throughout society as "the best" or "the only" solution to problems either don't help, don't help as much as needed, or even harm.

Despite the positive smiley encouraging presentation, such promotion of band-aid methods ultimately leads to despair.

Hashem loves you with a Love that you can't even imagine feeling yourself, no matter how much or how deeply you have ever loved another person. He is the Only One Who truly has your best interests and Who truly cares about you.

And He is the True Healer of all ills.

English-speaking frum media with the noblest of intentions continuously pushes secular solutions to problems, whether it’s therapy, medication, yoga, or anything else solidly recommended in secular society.

As I’ve said before, I think therapy can be helpful depending and I’m not necessarily against psychiatric medication used for very specific reasons for a very limited amount of time. (And according to my reading, yoga isn’t ever kosher even when it’s advertised as “kashered,” so that’s out.)

But even helpful therapy doesn’t usually solve the problem at its core. And its helpfulness depends so much on the chemistry between the therapist and client, how spiritually healthy and emuna-filled the therapist is, how much the therapist actually likes the client and sees the client's God-given potential, plus how much the therapist can help the client develop emuna and carry out a real cheshbon hanefesh...and much more.

Yet the most compassionate, caring, responsible response with which people are constantly bombarded is to encourage a suffering loved one is to "get professional help."

Psychology Problems

Therapy became very popular and acceptable when I was in my preteens. So over the decades, I’ve known many people who’ve gone into it. Yet I’ve rarely seen it do much more than make people feel somewhat better & more confident about themselves (which often did NOT translate into becoming better people).

Furthermore, it has become extremely common and aggressively encouraged in the frum community for people to seek “professional treatment” for everything.

That is considered the responsible response.

Yet mainstream psychology (and psychiatry, for that matter) keep insisting that there is no cure for dysfunctions like personality disorder or bipolar disorder or schizophrenia—despite the fact that people like Dr. William Glasser did cure many of his mentally ill patients at a mental hospital. (So mental illness CAN be curable—why do they insist it’s not? Why offer lifetime despair to mental patients?)

Psychiatry Problems

Psychiatry keeps insisting that psychiatric medications are the only way to treat mental illness despite both anecdotal evidence and a leading psychiatrist’s claims and research evidence that medication actually makes people worse in the long run, not better.

Yes, that’s right.

At the end of a lifetime of official, professional, “responsible” psychiatric treatment, the patient will not even be back to their original starting point of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder or whatever. They’ll be worse.

So how is that "treating" the illness?

As stated before, I don’t see a problem with temporary treatment. I can only imagine what a psychotic episode is like, and maybe someone needs a medicinal “kick” to get them out of a dark tortuous place and into a place where they can ponder their situation, its roots, and how to proceed.

But most (if not all) of what secular society recommends as "treatment" or "responsible" doesn't ultimately heal the problem.

How Did I Get Here?

I used to think therapy was the answer for all emotional ills.

Then I tried therapy. I tried it several short-term times with different therapists over the years for different reasons. Most were either not helpful at all or somewhat helpful, and a couple (the frum female ones) were pretty helpful—yet could not provide me with complete direction. (That needs to come in a quiet place from private discussions with Hashem.)

I also couldn't help noticing that others who'd undergone therapy still suffered from poor morality and psychological issues.

I also believed with all my heart that if I would cleave to a rabbinical-approved chinuch method (as taught by the rabbinically approved rebbetzin) and jump through every hoop insisted (no matter how high or how narrow), then I would succeed in turning out ideal frum children, which was my dearest dream.

(Note: To my knowledge, these authorizing rabbis don't hear the nitty-gritty details of the shitahs presented nor do they hear the stories told for emphasis. The authorizing rabbis go by a basic run-down of the shitah—which will always be presented in a Torah-based way because that's what the person truly believes he or she is doing--and the authorizing rabbis go by the integrity and middot of the person promoting the shitah. But just because the person knows how to deal with her own children or students doesn't mean that she knows how to deal with other people's children or even with other people who are very different than her.)

The books that helped me break away from the chinuch loop were (in the order I discovered them):

Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery by Riso & Hudson (helped me realize that much chinuch advice either does nothing or is the opposite of what a Type 8 child needs and can even worsen that child’s behavior)
The Case Against Adolescence: Rediscovering the Adult in Every Teen by Dr. Robert Epstein (validated a lot of my own against-the-stream observations since high school and proved that most “adolescent” behavior is actually culturally induced rather than the much-touted "teen brain"; also one of the only secular books of this type that not only doesn’t put down Judaism, Torah, etc, but even admires authentic Judaism)
Garden of Education by Rav Shalom Arush (this made me throw out every other chinuch book; it was all I needed)
Yeladim Mutzlachim by Rav Shalom Arush (its collection of prayers for chinuch is invaluable; and using historical examples of Gedolei Hador from all groups, it proves the importance of prayer and spiritual inner work for raising children)

And needless to say, both my children and I are still works in progress. None of us are perfect and we never will be. And because I'm far from tzidkus, I struggle with implementing the authentic Jewish mussar as I should. Yet at least I'm bumbling up the right path; I wasn't before.

Why Chinuch Advice Often Doesn't Work

Being human, all therapists run into their own limitations at some point. Their blind spots (which every human possesses) will eventually block you, their client.

Furthermore, when I was in the chinuch loop, I discovered that many chinuch advisors don’t really possess the spiritual foundation and expanded mind to truly help parents raise their children.

For example:

For complex reasons (some unfathomable in our 3-dimentional world), Hashem placed specific children with specific parents for everyone’s benefit, pre-determining struggles and conflicts (along with harmony and suitability) beforehand.
Because they are only human, chinuch advisors can make some accurate observations based on their experience, but they will always miss other things simply because they are human and cannot see everything that Hashem sees. (And sometimes, what they miss is exactly what the parent needs to know for that child.)
Hashem gifted each parent with the wisdom & insight to raise each child; therefore, a chinuch advisor’s job is to draw out that wisdom and insight, not to impose the chinuch advisor’s “solutions” onto the parents. However, this is much more complex and demands much more emotional and mental stamina than imposing shitahs.
Switching methods can lead to temporary relief, but using the child’s undesirable behavior as a springboard for a parent’s cheshbon hanefesh and consequent teshuvah is a million times more likely to lead to improvement in the child’s behavior ON ITS OWN. (Although nothing is guaranteed because we don't know Hashem's Plan for us.)
Children’s aberrant behavior is more likely a reflection of the parents’ middot on some level, and less likely a reflection of specific methods used.

As just one example of the last point:
A bullying child is most likely a reflection of a parent’s bullying tendency, even if this tendency is nearly unperceivable and not consciously or practically witnessed by either the child or the parent. (Meaning, maybe the parent is unconsciously and subtly bullying an adult sibling, but the bullying isn't expressed anywhere else or at anyone else—yes, the message can be that subtle.)

This COULD also mean that the child experiences bullying by a parent, but it doesn’t HAVE to mean that.

Having said all that, the majority of chinuch advisors definitely deserve an A+ for good intentions.

They stretch to the limits their patience and energy to help desperate & struggling (or arrogant & obstinate) parents and their children. But they can also accidentally harm as much as they help. (Or even harm more than they help, depending.)

Why?

Because chinuch methods aren't generally based on Torah hashkafah. Some methods can be adapted to Torah hashkafah, but the goals set in Mishlei and mussar sefarim aren't necessarily the goals of the chinuch class.

(The main goal for your child, BTW, is for them to fulfill their soul-potential and get them into the best Olam Haba possible, may everyone live in good health until 120.)

The majority of chinuch advisors unknowingly hold views based on 1 of the following:

Post-Sixties methods created (and continuously re-adjusted) by anti-Torah Liberals and Leftists with either secular Leftist or Far Eastern "spiritual" agendas
Pre-Sixties methods created by secular sick anti-Torah elitists and eugenicists
People with ulterior agendas posited as “good for the child!” but were originally a stab at temporarily improving the economy or lowering employment or whatever.

How Do You Define "Better"?

Regarding therapy, I couldn’t help seeing that therapy often made people feel better, but not act better. For example, one secular person I knew went to a top-rated secular psychologist when she felt suicidal. He managed to cure of her desire to kill herself, yet not her penchant for pritzadik behavior (including an affair with a married man), nasty acts of revenge, and so on. But yes, she did feel much better about herself.

(And that doesn't even begin to cover the people who felt worse after therapy.)

That’s just one example. There are a lot more.

Likewise, I’ve noticed so many people jump from therapist to therapist and from method to method. While therapists defend therapy by saying it can only help those who want to be helped and are willing to do the inner work—and this is true—because this is true, people are better off just doing it with Hashem.

Hashem truly loves us and knows everything about us. In fact, any bad middot you discover were planted there BY HASHEM in the first place, so rather than blaming yourself, you can just flip it back to Hashem and say, “YUCK. I don’t want this! Ugh, what an absolutely awful middah. Take it back—please, take it back!”

(Don’t worry. He loves it when you do this. That’s the whole point of your existence and why He put you here in the first place. World of Tikkun!)

Who are You Following?

So what is the point of this post?

The point is that we are inundated from all sides by advice to use secular (or secular-based with a frum twist) treatment for our emotional, psychological, mental, and relationship problems. And in the frum media, they promote this based on secular research (with the best of intentions; they genuinely want to help).

Yet that same secular research is itself coming out and saying:
“THIS ULTIMATELY DOES NOT WORK.”

So who are you going to listen to?

The “I’M the ultimate solution—right over here!” and “THIS ULTIMATELY DOES NOT WORK” are both coming from the same source (secular science and research).

So who are you going to listen to?

Or, rather Who are you going to listen to?

Related Posts
By Dr. Zev Ballen:
The True Doctor of the Soul
The Therapeutic Wasteland
The Origins of Emuna Coaching
Do You NLP? (please make sure to read Chaim's valuable comments at the end)
______
Anti-Depressant Use Leads to Worse Long-Term Outcomes
Does Long-Term Use of Psychiatric Drugs Cause More Harm Than Good?
Psychiatrist Says: More Psychiatry Means More Shootings
______
Myrtle Rising Chinuch Posts
______
For Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender's advice on beneficial listening and how a true friend should behave, please search through Posts on Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender.
______
What is the World of Tikkun?

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How to Resist the Attraction of "New!" & Why You Really Should

27/8/2018

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Several years ago, I sat in a class given by Rebbetzin Heller in which she made the point that "New!" is a powerful tool to attract people to a certain movement or ideology.

And indeed, inserting the word "New!" is a proven method for prompting a blog post, video, or product to go viral. (Or at least, increase attention or sales.)

In fact, studies show that the 5 most persuasive words in the English language are:

You
Free
Because
Instantly
New

In Rebbe Nachman's arguably most famous story, The Lost Princess, the struggling hero comes across a spring of what seems to be wine.

Now, he'd seen wine before and he'd seen springs before, but he'd never seen a wine-spring.

Ooh, shiny! New! Intriguing!

As it says:

...and he saw a running spring, and its color was red and the smell was of wine. He asked the servant, "Have you seen? This is a spring, and there ought to be water in it, but its color is red and the smell is of wine!"

Our hero (who is actually us) is on a specific mission and he'd even received clear instructions NOT to drink any wine on this last day. He could eat and drink, just not wine.

But the main thing is to avoid sleep at all costs.

So our struggling hero (who is actually us) -- even though he KNEW to listen to the Princess's instructions and warnings because he'd already failed the year before by eating forbidden apples and falling asleep, and even though he KNEW this was just a distraction from his mission, nonetheless -- our struggling hero decides to make an intellectual, objective study of this unusual phenomenon (which has nothing to do with his urgent mission and is of absolutely no benefit to him or the world) and then:

And he went and tasted from the spring and fell and immediately slept for several years...

NOOOOO!

Alas.

As Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender explains in Leviat Chen:

...it's forbidden to become delayed and investigate, but one must hurry because [this part of the story] represents being forbidden to ask and desire and understand because it's impossible to in any way understand everything intellectually – one must only rely on emuna to do what needs to be done.

And here, on the last day, the Princess had commanded him to guard himself and so on. And if so, it was forbidden for him to ask and investigate the matter of the spring, but only to fulfill what was necessary and to go extract her.

For when we investigate a matter, we are possibly trying to explain it away as not being so horrible, and thus we don't completely negate it.

And in this way, we are liable to stumble.

This is so normal and common for people to do. (People struggling with, for example, overeating or drug addiction probably recognize the above pattern.)

So what does Rav Bender advise instead, based on the lessons of this story?

...to flee from the taavot as one flees from fire, without pondering over, marveling at, or inquiring into them at all.
And he shouldn't let his thoughts confound him at all.
...he should just turn his mind away from them completely and steer his mind to divrei Torah or business dealings or conversations and the like until he is rescued from what he wants to be rescued.
And one must be a person of unwavering determination [akshan gadol] until he comes out victorious in this war.

Keep Your Mitzvot Fresh & Lush

As always, Judaism insists on us rising above superficial understanding.

Does the above mean we should go through life as unthinking horses with blinders?

NO.

We can of course ask, desire, investigate, and seek to understand divrei kedushah, things connected with our soul-journey and spiritual work. It's a great mitzvah to delve into Torah and to stretch our minds to understand halacha and to understand what we need to do to achieve self-improvement and rectification.

We should contemplate the best way to help others according to THEIR needs, rather than our own.

We are supposed to develop strategies to avoid lashon hara and use complex thinking to find the good points in others.

We need to brainstorm and work out the best ways to keep our routine mitzvot (like davening and brachot) fresh and new.

But it needs to be focused investigation and seeking, not just indulging our curiosity about everything that comes across our path.

Discover Your Unique Path

In fact, Rebbe Nachman himself emphasized the importance of staying "young" on the inside, of approaching each new day and each new opportunity to do a mitzvah with enthusiasm -- as if it were literally "new."

He also spoke of taking less-traveled paths in avodat Hashem and this is also hinted at in the above story when our struggling hero spots "a path off to the side" and takes it, which fortuitously leads him to the Palace of the Not Good, where he finally finds the Princess for the first time.

Yet this path off to the side IS the avodat Hashem. It's part of one's tikkun (rectification) and the way to access it is only via hitbodedut -- talking to Hashem in your own words using your personal self-expression.

In other words, the path isn't "new," per se; it's unique.

Because Hashem created us all as unique individuals, no human being can have exactly the same relationship with Hashem as anyone else.

Your relationship with Him is unique to anyone else's relationship with Him.

The Old-New Tricks

Yet what does the Yetzer Hara use to reel us in?

"New!"
"Intriguing!"
"Ever tried this before?"
"The newest results of our most recent investigation!" ("Most recent" is just another way of saying "new.")
"Never before attempted!"
"Introducing..." (Implies that it's new because it needs to be "introduced.")
"Instantly!"
"Suddenly..." (It wasn't there a moment ago -- it's new!)
"Revolutionary!"
"Discover!" (You don't discover something already known, only something new.)

The entertainment industry reels us in this way, as does advertising. But so many science articles with all their intellectual grandstanding also reel us in this way too, as you likely recognized from the above examples, some version of which are commonly found in prestigious peer-reviewed science publications.

Barak Obama won his presidency pretty much based on "New!"

"Change" implies something new on the way and also the idea of "America's first black president!" implies something new, although it's a misleading moniker because he is white as much as he is black, being biracial.

But much of what is presented as "New!" is actually the same old stuff, just with a modern twist.

An Age-Old Insight

Our goal is how David Hamelech described tzaddikim millennia ago in Psalm 92:

עוֹד יְנוּבוּן בְּשֵׂיבָה; דְּשֵׁנִים וְרַעֲנַנִּים יִהְיוּ

They shall still bring forth fruit in old age, they shall be full of sap and fresh.

It's a bit hard to convey in the English, but the Hebrew brings forth imagery of lushness and fullness.

Picture a fruit-bearing tree that's eternally young and dripping with sap, its leaves lush and green with moisture, and bursting with juicy fruits.

That's our spiritual goal for ourselves.

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Breaking Down Core Jewish Concepts

24/8/2018

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UPDATE: Upon re-reading this post, I realized it wasn't so clear, so I added more to it late Friday morning (Israel-time), along with correcting some typos. So what follows is the new & improved version...

I'm not Breslov, but I get concerned about how people write off core Jewish concepts as being "Breslov" and therefore considered non-obligatory or not even worth examining.

While I've only read parts of Rebbe Nachman's Likutei Moharan, I've still read a lot of Breslov writings (including parts of Likutei Moharan) and as a non-Breslover, I came to the following conclusion:

Rebbe Nachman basically detailed and fleshed out much of what was already written in previous mussar books and other guidance by Chazal.

He emphasized certain concepts and further elucidated them.

And that seems to be the Breslov tradition: Taking core concepts and breaking them down into more and more digestible bits according to the needs of that particular generation.

Breaking It Down

When embarking on real self-scrutiny for the first time via talking to Hashem, you really can get these intense "Uh-oh" moments about yourself, and much of what Rebbe Nachman says about this phenomenon is very reassuring and encouraging.

Again, he simply takes core Jewish concepts of how self-scrutiny and self-improvement work, the ups and downs, the deceptive pitfalls, then he details them AND how to deal with it all.

All sorts of ideas and principles seem less and less self-understood in each successive generation, so with each successive generation of Breslov, you have a couple of rabbis who break these core ideas and their previous break-downs into even smaller more digestible bites.

For example, a book like Outpouring of the Soul by Reb Alter Teplicker further condenses and elucidates the same concepts mentioned in Torah and Chazal, which were then condensed and expounded upon by Rebbe Nachman. So Outpouring of the Soul is yet another link on that chain.

I remember the first time I read Outpouring of the Soul and a powerful impulse to talk to Hashem welled up within me, but I didn't know what to do with it. I opened my mouth, but I felt like a massive wave of spiritual and emotional pain was behind whatever I would say and I instinctively closed my mouth and got distracted with something else. I didn't mean to, it just happened like that.

Yet I would occasionally go back to the book, feel inspired to speak to Hashem in the way described, but couldn't do it for some reason.

Years later, I read Garden of Emuna, and that changed everything for me. Rav Shalom Arush took the same concepts and both simplified and expanded on them in regular non-scholarly language, practically spoon-feeding them to those who, like me, needed that spoon-feeding.

His book explains the core Jewish concepts with which many struggle in great detail: why bad things happen to good people, why do I feel like I'm being punished for being frum, why do I feel like I'm being punished for doing the right thing, how can I relate to Hashem as Compassionate and Loving when such awful things happen in the world, how can it be reassuring to know that Hashem is behind even the bad stuff -- that's sounds even scarier, so what's up with that?

And so on.

Digestible Emuna

Rav Arush also offered a get-down-to-basics easy-to-follow structure for hitbodedut:

20 minutes of gratitude
20 minutes of self-scrutiny & confession
20 minutes of requests

The truth is, he pares things down even more by telling people to make a list of 20 things for which they're grateful when they feel too emotionally blocked to do anything else.

There's even a book that plucks out the "gems" of Garden of Emuna for a super quick reference.

I'll give you an example of how this chain of increasing elucidation works by using Gate of Joy in Orchot Tzaddikim, (pg. 177 & 213 in the Feldheim translation):

The trait of joy encompasses a positive commandment of acknowledging God's Justice in all that befalls one, as is written (Devarim 8:5): "And you shall know in your heart that just as a man chastises his son, so Hashem your God chastises you."

If after one repents, things do not go so well for him as they did before, it is a positive commandment for him to think in his heart that his adversity is for the good.

For before he repented, the Holy One Blessed Be He was rewarding him for the mitzvot he had done in order to bar him from the World to Come, as it is written (Devarim 7:10): "And He pays those that hate Him to his face to destroy him."

And corresponding to this treatment of those who hate Him, he pays those who love Him the punishment of their transgressions in This World so that they will be pure and clean for the Next World.

And all of this entails the trait of joy, one's being happy in the portion allotted him by the Blessed One.

***
Similarly, when one undergoes any affliction [yissurim], he should also rejoice as our Sages have said...(Taanit 8a) "All who rejoice in afflictions bring salvation to the world."

And one should accustom his mouth to say, "This too is for the good - gam zo l'tovah" (Taanis 21a).

As you can see, the above is exactly what Rav Shalom Arush continuously discusses. In fact, Garden of Emuna goes on at length about the phenomenon mentioned in Orchot Tzaddikim:

If after one repents, things do not go so well for him as they did before, it is a positive commandment for him to think in his heart that his adversity is for the good.

And Rav Arush's emphasis on thanking Hashem for the good as well as the bad, and its power to sweeten dinim?

It's blatantly stated in Orchot Tzaddikim, which derives it from the Gemara (Taanit 8a):

"All who rejoice in afflictions bring salvation to the world."

"Kol hasameach b'yissurim meivi yeshuah l'olam."

"כל המשמח ביסורים מביא ישועה לעולם"

And before that, the Chumash itself.

But because of all the influences and confusion and superficiality and lack of daat in our generation, we need things broken down and explained down to the nitty-gritty.

And if we're willing to accept this spoon-feeding rather than just ignoring it all and dismissing everything as "only for very great people" or "that applied to previous generations, not ours," then that's very good!

For example, the first excerpt above of Orchot Tzaddikim is pretty much all there is on that specific issue. He says what he says there, then goes on to another aspect of joy. Yet reading the above, I'd have some obstructive questions before I could act upon his directives.

Sure, I could've taken that excerpt and discuss it with Hashem to reveal answers to my questions, but I didn't have the presence of mind to realize even this.

So I'm no different than anyone else and without Garden of Emuna, I would not have been able to go back and understand the classic mussar texts.

In his lectures, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender did the same prior to Rav Arush.

Rav Ofer Erez also breaks down core ideas to a more digestible size.

So for me, that's what Breslov does for the non-Breslover.

It's just a way of them holding your hand as you make your way through the thorny, pitted path of teshuvah, self-improvement, and coming closer to Ribbono Shel Olam.

An online Hebrew-English version of Orchot Tzaddikim is available HERE.

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The Kav Hayashar on Hitbodedut

13/8/2018

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The Kav Hayashar preceded Chassidus by decades and preceded Breslov by nearly a century. (Meaning, he could not have been influenced by any kind of Chassidus.)

Yet as is true throughout kabbalistic work, mussar masterpieces, and commentaries on Tanach and Talmud, the same fundamentals form a golden thread of Torah-Truth that runs through all of them.

The following is taken from Chapter 12 of the Kav Hayashar:

וְכֹה יַחְשֹׁב הָאָדָם בְּכָל יוֹם וָיוֹם בְּעֵת הִתְבּוֹדֵד, שֶׁצָּרִיךְ הָאָדָם לְהִתְבּוֹדֵד

(עַיֵּן פֶּרֶק א)

לְתַקֵּן חֲטָאָיו פְּשָׁעָיו בִּזְרִיזוּת. וְחִיּוּב גָּדוֹל הוּא לְהִתְבּוֹדֵד הֵיטֵב, וְאוּלַי עַל יְדֵי כֵּן יֵעָרֶה עָלָיו מִמָּרוֹם רוּחַ חָכְמָה וּבִינָה וָדַעַת וְיִרְאַת ה' לְהַדְרִיכוֹ בַּדֶּרֶךְ הַיְשָׁרָה, לְבַל יִמּוֹט מִדַּרְכֵי תּוֹרָתֵנוּ הַקְּדוֹשָׁה. וְאִלּוּ הָיִינוּ זוֹכִים בְּמַעֲשֵׂה יָדֵינוּ לְהַשָּׂגַת הָרִאשׁוֹנִים, הָיְתָה הַשָּׂגָתֵנוּ שְׁלֵמָה לְהַשִּׂיג חֶפְצֵנוּ וּמִשְׁאֲלוֹתֵינוּ לְטוֹבָה

Let a man reflect day in and day out, in the time that he sets aside for introspection (eit hitboded), that he must take himself aside and rectify his sins and transgressions with all alacrity (see Chapter One).

It is absolutely essential that a person introspect (l'hitboded) well, for then perhaps a spirit of wisdom, understanding, knowledge and fear of Heaven will come upon him from On High to guide him along the straight path and keep him from straying from the ways of our Holy Torah.

If only our deeds were pure enough to merit the understanding of earlier generations, then our comprehension would be complete and we would attain whatever we desired.

As you can see, the idea of hitbodedut is not an invention of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov and is not even an innovation of Chassidus. The Kav Hayashar mentions it by the familiar Hebrew word l'hitboded, utilizing it in the with which we're familiar.

Furthermore, it's clearly not something only for tzaddikim because the Kav Hayashar insists that it's a chiyuv hagadol, a great obligation (translated above as "absolutely essential"), for a person to introspect - l'hitboded - on a daily basis.

The Malbim on Hitbodedut

The Malbim on Melachim/Kings I 19:3-13 (the Haftarah for Parshat Pinchas) also uses the term l'hitboded to explain Eliyahu Hanavi's actions. Please click the following link to read about it:
What Eliyahu Hanavi's Self-Imposed Isolation Teaches Us

True, the Malbim came after Chassidus and Breslov, but he himself wasn't chassidish as far as I know. Yet his commentary on these verses sound a heck of a lot like the Kav Hayashar and core Breslov philosophy.

Even if the Malbim was inspired specifically by Breslov, he wouldn't include such ideas in his commentaries unless he fully agreed with them.

Hitbodedut: It's the Torah Way

The common thread running through Chazal of any era and of any ethnicity living anywhere in the world is a focus on daily self-scrutiny and pouring out your heart directly to Hashem.

And just in the interest of full disclosure:
Do I manage a full self-scrutiny every single day?

No. I want to. I'd like to. I know I'm obligated to.

But while I manage some kind of self-scrutiny, cheshbon hanefesh, teshuvah almost every day, a more thorough self-accounting sometimes occurs only on Shabbat. Or "just" 3 times a week. Or whatever. It depends.

Yet even once a week (or once a month) is a million-billion times better than doing it just once a year or not doing it at all.

And the above gives me the chizuk to keep at it, even though I'm far from perfect about it.

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How to Really Love Another Person

7/8/2018

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As usual, it's important to pay attention to the words of a true tzaddik. They say things we find familiar, but with a deeper twist then what we're used to hearing.

For example, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender (one of the leaders of Breslov Chassidus in the previous generation, who displayed mind-boggling self-sacrifice for Jews of all stripes) discusses a well-known idea from Likutei Moharan 292: "Di velt ker zich farvundering oif di ahavah vus is da tsuvishen meina mentchen - The world will be astonished over the love among my people." [Words of Faith, Vol. I, pgs. 382-383]

(Note: I am not a Breslover or chassidish at all, just a big admirer and beneficiary of Breslov ideology.)

Certainly, among Breslovers who've truly managed to internalize the principles of Breslov, this love is true. Their genuine appreciation of each other and lack of envy or competition is beautiful to see.

But then Rav Bender adds:

"This matter comes to actuality only when one does not know in detail what is happening by another.

He just strengthens and fortifies his friend and not more."

See? In 2 sentences, Rav Bender just explained how to achieve this great love.

And it's the opposite of what I once would've assumed.

How to Avoid "Killing" Your Friend

This blog has already featured several posts discussing Rav Bender's view on true friendship and how to really help any friend.

Although deeply sympathetic toward the impulse to pour one's heart out to another, Rav Bender opposed this indulgence mostly out of concern for the outpourer.

He felt that hardly anyone today is able to properly hear and respond to such an outpouring, and could even harm the outpourer, who is already in pain and has now made himself even more vulnerable.

He cautions against showing a person any kind of distancing - something which could instinctively occur on the part of listener if they unexpectedly hear something that they aren't sure how to handle.

As Rav Bender stresses on page 384:

"For at times, it is possible to kill someone through a sign of wrath, anger, or insult."

And if you've ever had someone respond to you all wrong after you've made yourself vulnerable, then you know exactly what he means "to kill someone" with the wrong response.

(People usually don't mean to respond badly, but simply don't realize the harm of their response. They mean even think they're giving you what you need, telling you the "truth" about yourself, and simply laying all the cards on the table, etc.)

Don't Dig for Defects

Rav Bender discourages us from inquiring after another's iniquities and defects, referring to it as "digging" for another's wound, which paints the off-putting picture of picking at a scab. Or a parasite searching for a wound to leech off of.

He receives this guidance from several sources (Words of Faith, Vol I, pgs. 371-374):

"The Gemara calls one who publicizes his sins 'brazen': 'I consider brazen the one who declares his sins.' This is learned from the verse: 'Fortunate is one who covers his sin'." (Tehillim 32:1)

"The Tana says in a mishnah in Avos: 'Do not strive to see someone at the time of his downfall.' [Avot 4:23] This is a directive for each individual."

"It is brought in the holy Zohar that one who merits to be judged by Hakadosh Baruch Hu Himself comes out innocent in court." [Zohar Pinchas 231a, 309a]

Yet who merits to be judged by Hashem Himself?

"One who confesses before Hashem Yisbarach.

One who tells before Him his whole heart and all that passes over him, including his sins.

And - as understood - from amidst deep regret.

Such a person merits to the fortune that his judge is Hakadosh Baruch Hu: the Merciful Father Himself."

[Words of Faith, Vol I, pg. 372]

Using Tanach as his guide, Rav Bender (pg. 372) gleans positive advice to encourage others from Yeshayahu 41:6:

"Man shall help his comrade and say to his brother: 'Chazak! - Be strong!' "

Contrary to pop psychology today, Rav Bender saw the best way to help others was to focus on their good points without digging for their defects and to allow oneself to be influenced by another's good points, describing it as "shining light" on one another. He believed in the importance of giving others chizuk, fortifying them emotionally and offering encouragement and support.

But not to "dig" for "wounds."

Not to go sniffing around for the defects and sins of others.

Heart-to-Heart Boundaries

As I've written here before, this was a big smack between the eyes for me because I used to LOVE those late-night heart-to-heart bonding talks with a good friend. So geshmak!

And I thought a truly caring person listened to others' outpourings. (Okay, yes, you can listen to others. Rav Bender gives examples of doing so. But without probing deeper, just listening. And even then, the listening/outpouring needs healthy boundaries so that you don't accidentally "kill" the other person.)

Yet even before I read the above, Hashem already started to show me the downside of pouring out one's heart too much to another person. I just didn't realize what I was seeing and experiencing until I read the above. Until I read Rav Bender's explanation, I didn't have a way to frame my experiences.

Having said all that, it's admittedly very difficult at times to pour your heart out to Hashem and not another person. You simply crave the interaction with another person, hoping for the tangible comfort it can bring.

And sometimes you do feel so much better, but sometimes you feel worse.

And even the feeling of being absolved and comforted is deceptive because only Hashem can absolve and cleanse you.

So yes, there is room for confiding in others, but with beneficial boundaries in place.

Do's & Don'ts

So to sum up (including Rav Bender advice mentioned in previous posts):

Don'ts:

Try not to see another's defects, sins, or bad points.
Don't "dig" for another's sins and defects. Don't probe.
Don't pour out your heart to others; don't make another person into your confessor.
While it's a big mitzvah to prevent another from sinning, if you can't stop them, then at least try to not see them in their moment of downfall.
Don't show any kind of distancing (rejection).

(I think that means in the heat of the moment of outpouring, because while Rav Bender and other tzaddikim allowed sinners to daven in their shul, they didn't associate with them; in other words, they did display a certain distance without rejecting them outright. So I think he means that when someone gushes his issues to you, try your best not to look taken aback or horrified or run off.)

Note: Keeping your indiscretions & defects private isn't the same as acting like a big fake.

You know you're flawed; you don't pretend you're a big tzaddik.

But you just don't have to flesh it all out for everyone to see, hear, and smell in all its gory detail.

That's all.

Do's:

Tell everything to Hashem. EVERYTHING, no matter how shameful or icky.
Pour out your flaws, sins, defects, mistakes, bumbles to Hashem because this makes Him into your personal Judge and ensures a verdict of innocence in the spiritual court.
It's really good to talk to the right kind of person (AKA sichat chaverim), but keep in mind that you're looking for chizuk and cheering-up from that person, and not much more than that.
Encourage your friend with soul-restoring words.
Give good chizuk.
Try to cheer up and uplift your friend.
Provide encouraging words.
Engage in words of Torah.
Help your friend practically, if possible (maybe doing practical favors, like loans or babysitting).
Seek his or her good points.
Allow the other person to shine their soul-light on you.

May Hashem help us all do the right thing at all times.

Related posts:
The Honesty Deception
A Tzaddik's Example: Listen, Empathize, Encourage
2 Examples of Unforeseeable Personality Transformation

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What to Say To God in the Toughest Times

29/6/2018

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In a recent post by Rav Shalom Arush (and faithfully translated by Rabbi Lazer Brody) entitled First Emuna, Then Understanding, Rav Arush states the following:

Complete emuna in Hashem means that we believe - without any doubt - that He directs and observes each of us individually with exacting precision, and He sees what we don’t see.

In short, complete emuna gives us the peace of mind that Hashem is doing everything for our ultimate good, regardless of the fact that this is not revealed to us at the time.

Therefore, a person should tell himself:

Once we believe that they're for the best, and we thank Hashem for them, they truly become the most beneficial assets in our lives.

Just thank Hashem and see for yourself.

Please see the full article here:
First Emuna, Then Understanding

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Every Gratitude Matters, Whether You See It or Not

27/6/2018

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I wanted to add a bit to the previous post Saving Yourself through 20 Thank Yous a Day.

As stated, expressing gratitude to God for both the good and the bad is a tremendously powerful act on the side of good.

Some people see obvious and desirable results from doing this kind of thing, while others don't.

As described in another post, one person who listed 1000 gratitudes in 1 day received a gift of $1000 a couple of days later. (Who knew the rate of exchange at that time was a dollar per gratitude?)

Yet I knew someone else who wrote down 100 gratitudes a day for 40 days (GREAT idea!), and saw nothing from it.

So why is that 4000 gratitudes reaped no obvious reward while 1000 gratitudes did?

The truth is that the reward of the 4000 gratitudes is hidden.

For all we know, a harsh decree was hanging over the neighborhood of the 40-dayer and her 4000 gratitudes completely nullified it.

Yet how will we ever know about that?

These kinds of things are only revealed in the World to Come.

So the 1-dayer got financial payback for her 1000 while the 40-dayer received unseen payback for her 4000. (Not to mention the incredible positive effect on her soul for writing down 100 gratitudes a day for over a month -- very significant!) Perhaps she averted a decree on her community, her family, or herself.

Who knows? Only Hashem.

Just like with the story of Rebbe Akivah's daughter who took care of a poor man at her own wedding by giving him her own portion of food, and then merited to stab a viper with her hairpin -- a viper meant to kill her, yet her compassion and generosity averted this awful decree.

Yet no one knew about this until after she saw the dead viper impaled on the hairpin and then heard the explanation from Rebbe Akiva.

Had she just forgotten about her hairpin or had the hairpin been removed from the wall without dislodging the dead viper, she never would've known about the frightening death she nearly missed.

Weighting the Scales with Gratitude

In Shamayim, there are scales (so to speak, not physical scales) of judgement.

There are national scales, community scales, personal scales...and our deeds determine which way each scale swings.

And you must know that this is absolutely true.

This means that all your gratitudes, all the items on your list, your 10 little fingers and your 10 stubby toes, everything goes on to these scales to add weight to the side of merit.

It's not arrogance to know that your good deeds have weight in Shamayim.

It's the Truth.

And if you've made a list of gratitude -- whether you did it only once or you're doing it every day -- then I am personally grateful to you.

Why?

Because we all benefit from even your smallest expression of gratitude to Hashem.

And that is just the plain Truth of it.

May we merit to have all our desires fulfilled l'tovah -- in an obviously beneficial manner.

Related links:
The Story of Rebbe Akiva's Daughter
You Don't Need to be a Tzaddik to Get Your Prayers Answered (Please scroll down to True Story #3 to see the story of $1000 for 1000 gratitudes.)

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Saving Yourself through 20 "Thank Yous" a Day

24/6/2018

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Seeing as it seems that Hashem is leaving me messages again via creatures mentioned in Perek Shirah -- a fan-fingered gecko lizard has made itself at home on our walls and ceilings -- I'm putting up this post as a call to gratitude.

Why?

Well, Chazal translates the smamit in Perek Shirah as either a spider or some kind of gecko, who sings Tehillim 150:5:

By ZooFari - Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, Link

HalleluHu b'tziltzelei shama; halleluHu b'tziltzelei truah!

הַלְלוּהוּ בְצִלְצְלֵי-שָׁמַע; הַלְלוּהוּ, בְּצִלְצְלֵי תְרוּעָה
HalleluHu b'tziltzelei shama; halleluHu b'tziltzelei truah
Praise Him with loud-sounding cymbals; praise Him with clanging cymbals.

Basically, this verse is meant to be a far-reaching call for public praise of God.

And seeing as I kept running into spiders all last week, including one chillingly enormous one, and now this cute little gecko, I'm getting the message.

Please bear with me as I do my best to clang those cymbals.

Give God Your Daily 20

When someone is going through a very hard time, feeling spiritually stuck, and not getting some very understandable desires fulfilled, and then asked advice from Rav Shalom Arush, I've heard that he has advised them to write down 20 things for which they're grateful...including the nisayon that is plaguing them so much.

I found it interesting that he didn't tell very stuck people to express gratitude for 10 minutes, but instead recommended a list, which can be finished in a minute or two.

It just goes to show you that he understands different people and what they're dealing with. It takes tremendous wisdom to be able to relate to and advise people where they're currently at, even if it means watering things down until to the bare minimum, just to make it manageable.

Yet for people who are feeling very stuck and bitter, even 20 things seems like too much. Furthermore, it's admittedly painful to include the very thing you desire.

However, we know that Chazal is unanimous in the fact that Hashem only does what's best for us, even if a particular event causes us a lot of anguish or confusion. Hashem takes everything into account, including past-life events and much much more.

Fortunately, Hashem doesn't necessarily expect us to feel grateful for a painful nisayon.

It's perfectly acceptable to say something like, "Hashem, I have no clue how this can possibly be good in any way, but because they say everything You do is somehow good, I thank You for it anyway, even though it's killing me."

That's actual a huge expression of emuna, depending on where you're coming from. If it's a very, very painful or traumatic or aggravating nisayon that's wrecking your life, then it is extremely powerful to thank Hashem for it.

I've done this literally in tears a few times, so I can empathize if you find expressing this kind of gratitude emotionally excruciating.

To make things even more challenging, sometimes (NOT always) the situation gets worse and then it gets better -- even miraculously better. The key is to keep up the 20 gratitudes a day, even if things get worse.

It's one of these things that the harder it is to do, the more powerful it is, and the more blessing and merit you reap from doing it -- and not just for yourself, but for the whole world.

Gratitude When Stuck in a Dark Low Place

So what's one way to complete the 20 gratitudes when you are stuck in a low, bitter, dark place?

Well, you can count all your fingers and toes.

Seriously. I've done it.

You say (or write down): "You are so Great, God. Thank You for my right pinky finger, my left pinky finger, my right ring finger, my left ring finger...my third right toe, my third left toe..." And so on.

Now I realize that some people, may Hashem have mercy, lack a toe or a finger. In that case, one can replace it with another limb or organ. For example, "You are so Great, God. Thank You for my left eye and for my right eye. Thank You for saliva. Thank You for my liver. Thank You for my tongue."

And somewhere in that list of 20, you add in your nisayon.

For example, "You are so Great, God. Thank You for my right thumb, thank You for my left thumb, thank You for this heartbreaking nisayon of:

not having children
finding myself in such a soul-destroying marriage
losing so much money
not having a job
being raised by such dysfunctional narcissists
being ill for so long
[whatever your particular nisayon is]"

Again, if it's something that causes you a lot of anguish, even a robotic expression of gratitude is likely to be very difficult.

Yet many people have seen a real sweetening of judgement by doing the above, and even getting their prayers answered in the way they wanted.

Having said that, there are no guarantees. There's no way to know your past-life deeds or your soul's mission and what Hashem has determined as best for you and what He sees you as needing to accomplish in this lifetime.

But at the same time, expressing gratitude is one of the most powerful and conducive acts you could ever perform to fulfill your prayers.

In other words, expressing 20 gratitudes a day is your best bet for fulfilling your heart's desire, even though are no guarantees.

Nonetheless, it is your BEST chance.

Of course, you can also leave out the nisayon and just stick with your 10 toes and 10 fingers.

But the main thing is to just do the daily 20.

Even if you're feeling stuck, angry at Hashem, overwhelmed, traumatized, disconnected, or dead inside, if you could just somehow force yourself to write down (or say out loud) the 20, then that has the best chance of helping.

And if you do it, but you don't perceive a difference in yourself or your life?

Then you still haven't lost anything; you've only gained.

You've still provided a lot of merit and blessing for both yourself and others that you will see the fruits of one day.
___________
May Mashiach come & may Hashem put an end to all our suffering.

For stories of others who were saved by saying thank You:
First Emuna, Then Understanding
Garden of Miracles
Thanking Hashem for Our Troubles
It Hurts, But Thanks!

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The Kav Hayashar on Hitbodedut

The Malbim on Hitbodedut

Hitbodedut: It's the Torah Way

How to Really Love Another Person

How to Avoid "Killing" Your Friend

Don't Dig for Defects

Heart-to-Heart Boundaries

Do's & Don'ts

What to Say To God in the Toughest Times

Every Gratitude Matters, Whether You See It or Not

Weighting the Scales with Gratitude

Saving Yourself through 20 "Thank Yous" a Day

Give God Your Daily 20

Gratitude When Stuck in a Dark Low Place

Myrtle Rising

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Psychology Problems

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How Did I Get Here?

Why Chinuch Advice Often Doesn't Work

How Do You Define "Better"?

Who are You Following?

Keep Your Mitzvot Fresh & Lush

Discover Your Unique Path

The Old-New Tricks

An Age-Old Insight​

Breaking It Down

Digestible Emuna

The Malbim on Hitbodedut

Hitbodedut: It's the Torah Way

How to Avoid "Killing" Your Friend

Don't Dig for Defects

Heart-to-Heart Boundaries

Do's & Don'ts

Weighting the Scales with Gratitude

Give God Your Daily 20

Gratitude When Stuck in a Dark Low Place

Myrtle Rising

Categories

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Jewish Health

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Copyright Notice

An Age-Old Insight