Category: Love

Pele Yoetz: Always End on a Note of Hope

4/7/2018

A big lesson to learn from Rav Eliezer Papo's masterpiece, Pele Yoetz, is the way he ends every chapter.

While he interlaces encouragement and positive words within each chapter, some also contain dire warnings and stern rebuke. Nonetheless, he never leaves us without reassurance, encouragement, and hope.

Rav Papo maintained a firm belief in our power to rise above our addictions, bad habits, false beliefs, and our yetzer hara in any form.

Affirming Our Innate Goodness & Ability

For example, at the end of the chapter on Young Men/Bachur (you can imagine all the dire things he mentions in such a chapter), Rav Papo ends with:

"And behold, God stands over him [as a Protector]; He will be with him in assistance because one who comes to purify himself earns Heavenly assistance."

The chapter called Rebuke/Gaarah concludes as follows:

"The voice of fools in rebuke 'they are a vanity, an act of delusion' [Yirmiyahu 10:15] to those who hear them, confusing them and confounding them. But the words of the wise which are heard in pleasantness are sweet and accepted by their listeners."

He ends the chapter entitled Speech/Dibur, a chapter full of exhortations and prohibitions, with the following:

"To you, gentlemen, I call: Brothers and friends, I'm very pained on your behalf, on behalf of this sin that is to your detriment and the evil that stands before you, chas v'shalom. And even more than that, how great is my pain on behalf of the pain of our Father in Heaven who waits to bestow favor upon us...and please, exchange bad for good! Gather in the place of a Torah scholar or a learned person to hear learning...and acquire paths of life and lofty attributes."

Rav Papo ends the chapter Rising Early/Haskamah with characteristic optimism and holy cheerleading:

"With his heart, he will understand and with his ears, he will hear, and as he shall repent, Hashem will heal him."

Go, team Am Yisrael, go!

Rav Papo ends General Principles: Part I/Klalot Alef with:

"All that is in his power to accomplish, he should do and all that a man desires, he should do. Only the beginning will be difficult. And in doing so, a person will become desirable and Hashem will be for him as a shelter. And a vision of the Almighty he shall see.

And this is enough for whoever possesses a good heart."

The end of Afternoon Prayer/Mincha:

"...only the beginnings are difficult because afterwards, it will be sweet for him and it shall be as a delightful fragrance for him, and worthy of blessing and contentment is he in This World and it's good for him in the World to Come."

So we see that it's important to end on a positive, reassuring, and encouraging note:
Yes, sinning is terrible and Gehinnom is just awful -- but if you just try your best to do the right thing, then God will help you out, He'll stand by your side all the way, and things will ultimately end up wonderfully!

Judging Wonky Jews Favorably

Rav Papo also finds excuses for the errant, a way to judge them favorably and with understanding, even as he rebukes the wonky behavior, like in the chapter on Speech/Dibur:

"Come and see how the enemy [yetzer hara] has overpowered people so much so that when brothers sit together, and they have nothing new to say, one starts saying, 'The cold today is good, the heat today is good, the rain is good, the snow is good,' and such things that are obvious to all -- simply because their yetzer agitates within them and they're embarrassed to sit in silence."

See? Rav Papo blames the inane behavior on the yetzer hara, emphasizing the great strength of the yetzer hara, which implies that these people are good and want to do the right thing, but have simply collapsed under the weight of their yetzer hara. Also, he acknowledges the very real embarrassment people tend to struggle with in such situations.

(Then Rav Papo explains how to get up and fight the yetzer hara.)

You can just imagine what Rav Papo has to say in his chapter on Illicit Acts/Znut, but even after he mentions some pretty reprehensible acts, he never stops judging favorably:

"And this comes from a lack of awareness of the great severity of the act, or due to bad friends who trick them into it..."

In other instances, Rav Papo inserts a plea for Hashem to atone for their sins, as in the chapter entitled Judges & Officers/Shoftim v'Shotrim:

"Woe to it, to a generation that such a thing has risen in its days, that there are large cities in in the cities of Edom [Europe] that host hundreds of thousands of Jews and the Torah is forgotten from among them, and they only conduct cases in the jurisdiction of non-Jews and it's done as if permissible -- May God Who is Good atone for them."

Ken yehi ratzon!

Bringing It All Home

So I learned 2 important lessons from the entire Pele Yoetz:

It's essential it is to find merits and judge favorably even as you're discussing what's wrong with society or as you're attempting to correct someone's behavior.

It's important to always end on a note of hope and sincere belief in the person's innate goodness and ability to improve and do teshuvah.

I think it's also a guide for when hearing rebuke from others, to know what level the critic is really on and where their criticism is really coming from. If they can't see the good in you, if they can't see that you're not evil or stupid but just stuck or uninformed, if they don't believe that you have the ability to change for the better, well, then...you sure aren't hearing rebuke from a tzaddik.

Rav Eliezer Papo willing underwent a prolonged and agonizing death for his community, then left a legacy to assist and encourage us forevermore.

We can trust that his attitude and approach are the real deal.

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The Easily Distracted Inconsistent Bumbler's Guide to Serving Hashem

12/6/2018

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Sometimes, I find it very easy to sit down and talk to Hashem.

If I have a pressing or embarrassing problem, it's easier for things to pour out than when I have my routine problems. (Although not always. If there's a lot fear involved, I find it very difficult.)

But then there's also the issue of concentration.

I was a dreamy child who never completely lost that tendency to tune out and start daydreaming about other things. This is sort of embarrassing when talking to the Creator of the Universe and my mind starts wandering, only for me to come around half-an-hour later and wonder where all the time went.

However, this only proves Hashem's Tremendous Compassion and Love.

Can you imagine standing before a human world leader and as you explain your petition, your face suddenly goes slack as you start to daydream standing before him or you suddenly start rambling to yourself about totally unrelated fluff?

That would be really weird.

But Hashem is okay with it as long as you're trying. He never expects you to be perfect.

It just goes to show how far I really am from real cognizance of Who Hashem really is.

But it's also a sign of how comfortable I feel with Him because at least there's recognition that He is so Forgiving and Understanding and Patient.

But how to re-orient myself?

And what about those days where it just doesn't seem to go?

To be perfectly upfront, I don't manage to do it some days, maybe just a few minutes at most. Sometimes I only manage a really geshmak talk with Hashem only on Shabbat.

So how do I get myself back on track, whether it's reining in a flighty mind or finding the quiet mental space to do it or getting back in the habit?

Well, I find that Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender's advice works best.

What Would You Say If...?

First of all, Rav Bender (and Rebbe Nachman and Rebbe Nosson) reassure us that yes, sometimes communing with Hashem will feel "dry." Frustrating & disappointing, yet true.

However, it's still a powerful act that reaps major reward and blessing even though you won't sense the reward and blessing at all in those "dry" phases. The "dry" talks also have an accumulative effect, meaning that they add up and often produce a welcome break-through later on.

So that's good to keep in mind when the relationship just feels dry and drab.

Secondly, Rav Bender encourages us to talk to Hashem as we would speak to a true best friend (Words of Faith, page 477):

This confession we do daily during hitbodedut should be like one who speaks to a faithful beloved friend, one who will certainly accept your words, forgive, and continue to do you good.

A "faithful, beloved friend."

Think about that for a minute.

What is a faithful, beloved friend?

One who CERTAINLY accepts your words -- no cynicism or put-downs, just all-embracing.
One who forgives you -- as simple as that. No grudges or distrust.
One who continues to do you good -- Complete forgiveness and good will. Love Warmth. Affection.

This is Hashem, the Best Friend you'll ever have.

How to Bumble Your Way to Self-Improvement

So sometimes I think to myself, "If a really good friend of mine were to call me right now, what would I say to her?" After all, I'm unlikely to tell a really good beloved friend that I have nothing to say to her, so we'll talk another time. Right? So I think of what I might say to her and then start saying it to Hashem.

Other times, I just say, "Okay, Hashem. You're my One True Good Friend" and then I start talking to him from there.

Recently, I heard of a tzaddik who always started off talking to Hashem by saying "Hakadosh Baruch Hu, Yitbarach Shimcha" -- "The Holy One Blessed Be He, Blessed is Your Name" -- and this is a great way to orient yourself. It's very important to praise Hashem before you say anything else, so whether you're giving God a thumbs-up and saying "You, my One True BFF" or "Hakadosh Baruch Hu, Yitbarach Shimcha," it's really good.

And although Rav Bender idealizes talking to Hashem for hours all day long, he still heaps praises on the act of talking to Hashem for only 5 minutes.

Anything you can do is very powerful and affects both you and the whole world positively.

My Life: The Garden of Bumbling

It's always embarrassing to use myself as an example because I don't do this as I should, I don't have any impressive accomplishments, and so on.

(And I have no 6-8 hours hitbodedut marathons to speak of, but I'm still hoping...)

There are other people who are doing things much better and you have a lot more to learn from them.

However, I did want to give encouragement to any other people who also tend to bumble through lofty spiritual acts or get distracted easily or aren't consistent, or whatever flaws you're struggling against.

It's okay to bumble!

Despite everything, I still feel like I've gained a tremendous amount from my clumsy, bumbling, inconsistent efforts.

So please don't be discouraged by whatever character flaws or obstacles or embarrassing tendencies you may have.

As a fellow bumbler, I'm telling you that it's very, very worth it. You still get things out of it that you'd never imagine otherwise.

Seriously.

Hashem really is your Forgiving, Understanding, Warm, Generous, Loving Best Friend.

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A Prayer of Thanks to the Creator of the World

7/6/2018

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There is a special prayer of gratitude I've seen printed up and it gets passed out on laminated cards at bar mitzvahs and the like. Maybe you've even received one yourself.

I'm not sure who originally composed it, but it's written out as a personal outpouring to Hashem.

And while I intellectually know that it's essential to thank Hashem for the good as well as the bad, I sometimes find this difficult or agonizing if I'm going through a particularly painful time.

So reading this little card helps me out in those times when I don't have much heart to say the words on my own.

Also, because it's not a formal, institutionalized prayer, I believe you can feel free to say only parts of it, or just the first line or just the last line, or whatever you can manage. You can also add your own thoughts to it.

For example, there's a line that reads:
Creator of the World, I request forgiveness from the bottom of my heart if there were times I did not appreciate what You've given me and instead of saying "thank You," I only complained.

Well, speaking for myself, there's no IF. I definitely did not appreciate what Hashem was giving me and instead of saying thank You, I indeed complained and only complained. (Actually, it was more than complaining. It included tears of frustration & despair, caterwauling, accusations, and so on.) And it happened many times.

Just being honest.

So I can change that to read:
Borei Olam, I request forgiveness from the bottom of my heart for ALL the times I did not appreciate what You've given me and instead of saying "thank You," I only complained and in general responded with seething bitterness, resentment, rage, and self-pity.

The main thing is your heart and your honesty.

Also, I've translated the prayer into English. But personally, I prefer saying "koach" instead of "strength" and "Melech malchei hamelachim" instead of "King of kings of kings" (sounds weird in English, right?) and "Ribbono shel Olam" or "Adon Olam" instead of "Master of the World," and so on. So also feel free to mix in whatever languages best express yourself.

The main thing to keep in mind is this:
The happy fact about expressing gratitude to God is that ANY expression of gratitude, no matter how miniscule or half-hearted, is actually very powerful (even if we cannot perceive its effect).

A Prayer of Thanks to the Creator of the World

King of kings of kings, The Holy One Blessed Be He, Master of the World -- thank You.
Thank you that I am standing here and thanking you.
And anything that I can possibly say to You is nothing in light of how much I truly need to thank You.
And so, I need to thank You for everything.
Thank You for everything in the universe.
Thank You for the many thousands of times You've helped me, supported me, saved me, rescued me, made me happy, healed me, protected me, encouraged me...
Thank You for always being with me.
Thank You for giving me the strength to fulfill mitzvot, the strength to do good deeds, and the strength to pray.
Thank You for all the times You helped me when I didn't know to say thank You.
Thank You for all the kindnesses You do for me each and every moment.
Thank You for each and every breath I take.
And thank You, Melech malchei hamelachim, also for all the things I don't have.
Thank You that it's hard for me at times.
Thank You for the times that are a bit sad for me too because everything is for my good. And even though I don't always see it as for my benefit, deep in my heart, I know that everything comes from You with grace and loving-kindness and tremendous compassion and it is the very best thing for me and is performed especially for me with precise and perfect hashgacha pratit (personal supervision), as only a Melech malchei hamelachim can do.
Thank You that it's sometimes difficult for me because only in that way can I know how to appreciate the good; only after we find ourselves in darkness is it possible to appreciate the light.
Thank You for the wonderful life You've given me.
Thank You for every miniscule thing I have because everything I have has been given to me by You, and not by anyone else.
Thank You for always listening to my prayers.
Creator of the World, I request forgiveness from the bottom of my heart if there were times I did not appreciate what You've given me and instead of saying "thank You," I only complained.
I am dust and ashes, and You are the entire universe.
Please, never distance Yourself from me.

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Knocked Down Off Your Feet Yet Again? What You & Mashiach Have in Common

6/6/2018

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In Rav Ofer Erez's phenomenal book Ahavat Kedumim, a commentary on Rebbe Nachman's story of The Lost Princess, the following appears on page 227:

It is written in the Gemara Sanhedrin that Mashiach is called "Bar Nafli."

What is the meaning of "Bar Nafli"?

The meaning is ben nefilot [a son of repeated falls], one who falls.

That's what they call Mashiach.

The commentators ask: Why do the call him Ben Nefilot [a son of repeated falls]? What kind of a name are they giving Mashiach?

One of the great mekubalim wrote a book called Pitchei Shaarim. And there he explains that Mashiach is called Bar Nafli because he constantly wants to bring the Redemption, and The Holy One Blessed Be He casts him down and says to him:
"The time has not yet come. There is still a Jew who has not yet merited."

The Holy One Blessed Be He sent Mashiach to the entrance of Rome. And there, Mashich undergoes very great falls. He constantly wants to bring the Redemption, but The Holy One Blessed Be He doesn't let him.

The Holy One Blessed Be He is waiting for every single Jew to return to Him out of love in order to fulfill [Shmuel II 14:14] "he that is banished may not be banished from Him."

The tikkun is to transform the animal soul to a Godly soul via the powers of emotion emanating from the human spirit.

Note #1: "Rome" is an allegorical reference to Western culture today, the societies that originated in Europe -- such as North America, Europe, Scandinavia, and the European-based societies of Africa and Oceania.

Note #2:The Hebrew word used above is mapil (מפיל). It literally means "cause to fall" and is often translated as "casts down" or "pushes down" or "knocks down."
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A lot of people feel rejected by God.

A lot of people feel like no matter how hard they try and no matter how hard they want things that are actually GOOD to want, God not only blocks them; He actively pushes them back or knocks them off their feet.

Yet the Gemara clearly tells us that this forced falling-down is a classic aspect of Mashiach!

Mashiach is going through the exact same experience as you.

I don't know all the reasons why or the deep mystical significance of the whole dynamic (other than that mentioned above: Hashem is braking the Geula process out of His Great Love for each individual Jew, especially the ones who aren't anywhere near teshuvah yet).

But it makes me wonder whether these same people who are feeling so rejected and knocked completely off balance are davka the people with the biggest, brightest spark of Mashiach within them.

After all, another Gemara also tells us that this is an upside-down world:
Those who look great and prominent in This World are quite small in the Next.
And those who seem insignificant and small here are actually quite great and prominent in the Next World.

A candle flame isn't particularly bright or powerful. But in a corner of pure darkness, its light is significant.

Yet from a distance, its light is unnoticeable.

You can only perceive a candle's light when standing nearby.

Note: The above insights apply to the part of the story in which the princess-seeking viceroy meets the giants in the wilderness, and after much struggle and frustration, is finally informed by a latecoming wind that its delay occurred when needing to deposit the sought-after princess in a Pearl Fortress on a Mountain of Gold. And as always, this is my own translation which means that any errors are also mine.

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What is the Heart's Nusach?

16/5/2018

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*If you'd like to know what "nusach" means, please see HERE. This post simplified it to 2 basic nusachs, but there are several more.
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At a Tehillim/Psalms gathering for women I attended in the US, the woman leading the Tehillim-recital was a Yemenite-Israeli woman who taught at an Ashkenazi school (that accepted all Jews as long as they were frum) and was married to a yeshivish Askenazi.

This meant that she was competent in both ways of Hebrew pronunciation.

She lead the Tehillim in a pleasant sing-song and most charmingly of all, she was so into the davening that the words flowed out in whatever pronunciation naturally flowed forth.

This means that she said: "Shir Hama'alois" -- with the second "a" pronounced as the classic Yemenite guttural "ayin," followed by "ois" instead of "ot."

It was obvious that she had no idea she was mixing nusachs.

It was delicious. Here was Am Echad in one person.

Communicating in the "Right" Nusach

Now, I realize that sticklers for nusach will bristle about the importance of staying within one nusach for davening.

And that is important for formal davening.

But if you're equally comfortable in both, then when immersing yourself in the uplifting heart of Tehillim, both might flow forth naturally. And really, it's better to just immerse yourself in your love of Hashem than to hold yourself back and get caught up in the technicalities of consistent pronunciation.

For me, sometimes "Shabbos" is easier to say than "Shabbat." Especially if I want to describe something as "Shabbosy." "Shabbaty" just doesn't feel the same.

I still find "tsnius" (modesty) more comfortable to say than "tsnee-OOT" because "tsnius" is how I first learned the word.

But all that depends who I'm talking to because it's important to say things in the way most comfortable for the other person.

Likewise, when speaking with a Chassidish Yerushalmi friend, I try to greet her with "Gut Shabbos," even if she's greeting me with "Shabbat Shalom."

In fact, my Chassidish neighbors always use Sefardi pronunciation when speaking to me and other Sefardi neighbors. They also smoothly turn the conversation from Yiddish to Hebrew if a non-Yiddish-speaker arrives, including when they address each other (which they normally would in Yiddish) in front of the non-Yiddish-speaker.

It's all just a friendly way of respecting one's fellow.

When my children first started attending a Sefardi school, the Moroccan ganenet used to wave to me out the window of the van, calling out, "Gut Shabbos!" as they sped by on Friday afternoons.

She didn't need to do that because despite my Ashkenazi ethnicity and American nationality, I'm not frum from birth (i.e., I didn't grow up with "Gut Shabbos!") and I'm married to a Moroccan who davens in a Sefardi synagogue, and we happily send our children to a Sefardi school and I am quite comfortable with "Shabbat Shalom!" and general Sefardi pronunciation.

But in her experience, Ashkenazi Americans say "Gut Shabbos!" and she wanted me to feel comfortable and accepted.

Very nice!

As always, it's the heart that counts.

Language Foibles from the Heart

When my husband and I are were temporarily rabbi and rebbetzin (or is it rabbanit?), one of our congregants was this lovely 90-year-old lady named Shayna. (She attended our Sefardi synagogue because it was within walking distance and I'm not sure that she was aware of the differences. To her, it was a kosher synagogue with a mechitza and an Orthodox rabbi, and that's all that mattered.)

During Sukkot, she would come up to me to wish me a good year among other good things, and she did so in Yiddish. I only got the gist of her exact words ("a gut yahr!"), but I remember the feeling of warmth and pleasure that soaked through me as she leaned her smiling wizened face toward me with her wrinkled hand on my arm and spoke to me from her heart.

In Shayna's experience, frum people bless each other in Yiddish. So it never occurred to her that she shouldn't speak to me in Yiddish, especially since I was the rebbetzin -- no matter that I came from a secular English-only background (which she didn't know about) and that I was married to a Moroccan-Israeli and that we were standing in a Sefardi synagogue.

And I loved her for it.

Conversely, if you are in Israel and you greet your Sefardi neighbor with "Gut Shabbos", she might get offended. Why? Because then it feels like you're imposing your nusach on her, as if her nusach isn't good enough. Also, there's this implication that Yiddish is the proper language as opposed to Hebrew (or the Jewish-style Arabic common among Moroccans).

And sadly, there are indeed some Ashkenazim with that attitude, which is why your Sefardi neighbor isn't being oversensitive when she gets miffed about your perfectly friendly "Gut Shabbos." (Although she should still give you the benefit of the doubt, that you were just expressing your ahavat Yisrael in the best way you knew how. Or that you just forgot how it might come off to her.)

Then around another Sukkot in Eretz Yisrael, a Chassidish-American acquaintance came up to me and started wishing me all sorts of nice things for the coming year -- in Yiddish.

Ironically, I suddenly felt irritated.

I don't know Yiddish, I fumed silently. Why was she putting me in this uncomfortable position of nodding blankly and not knowing how to respond to her gush of words because I mostly didn't understand? She knows I'm originally from an "out of town" location in America and that I'm firmly in the Sefardi community here in Eretz Yisrael. Why on earth would I understand all the Yiddish coming out of her mouth?

This admittedly insignificant incident left me disgruntled.

But why? What was wrong with me all of the sudden?

Why, when Shayna did EXACTLY the same thing, it imbued me with warm fuzzies, yet when this acquaintance did it, I got all flustered and resentful?

Even stranger, I actually like Yiddish. I enjoy trying to speak it with my friends' children who only know Yiddish.

So why did I all of the sudden have a problem with Yiddish?

I guess it's because it's the heart that counts.

Shayna is brimming with goodness, so when she talks to you in the language of her choice, then all her goodness just gushes forth into you. And Shayna was speaking to me in Yiddish because she thought that was the best way to convey her good wishes; she had no idea I didn't understand. (Ditto with the Sefardi ganenet above.)

Yet this acquaintance tended to be firmly entrenched in her own world and in her way of doing things. She and her husband were used to being leaders of their community and expressing good wishes in Yiddish was the RIGHT way to do things, gosh darn it, whether the listener understood and whether the listener was comfortable or not.

In other words, she wasn't reaching out to me, she was asserting herself over me (and vicariously, over a whole large group of fellow Jews).

Was this intentional? Likely not. Some people are just very self-absorbed and so used to holding on to their own thing (which, if you've lived frum in America, you need to do to resist the pull of secular American culture), that they don't realize when they've overstepped.

The Language of the Heart

So this is what I've learned:

Be like Shayna.
Be like my son's Sefardi ganenet.
Be like my wonderful Chassidish neighbors.
Be like the Yemenite Tehillim leader.

Reach out from the heart and don't overreach.

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A Compassionate Mindset vs a Judgmental Mindset

15/4/2018

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Some people cop an attitude when insulted, i.e. "How dare that person talk that way to ME!"

Many people go on and on about why they didn't deserve to be treated a certain way (as if it would be okay to maltreat them had they indeed put a toe out of line).

But there's a difference between saying something just plain hurts in contrast to acting like it's only wrong because you don't think you did anything to deserve disrespect or offense.

But who deserves disrespect or offense? When is that halachically acceptable?

Whether we're Jewish or not, we're all made in God's Image.

And among Jews, there are firm laws about treating your brothers and sisters with generosity and compassion (even when you also need to treat them with din).

The truth is that even when we do something wrong, that doesn't permit the other person to respond past the boundaries of halacha.

To be exact, the other person isn't allow to be behave badly at all.

Sure, you may not like being called to a court trial or informed that your behavior was hurtful or wrong. But if the other person is correct, they aren't behaving badly by calling your attention to what you've done wrong and, when necessary, asking for compensation (like if you stole from them or something).

There's an implication that it's okay to hurt people who are wrong (whether purposefully or unintentionally) when actually, it's NOT okay.

Self-protection? Permissible.

Retaliation and open game with bad middot? Forbidden.

What about a Breaking Point?

Of course, there are extenuating circumstances.

For example, anger is considered avodah zara and disrespectful language is generally forbidden. Yet it's understandable when a person lashes out at someone who has repeatedly and unrepentantly mistreated them in some way. Decent people strive to respond with dignity to difficult situations, but even a very good person still has a breaking point.

The big indication in that kind of scenario is whether the person who lashes out feels ashamed or regretful at having lost control, even if the offender really deserved it.

Despite the decent person's recognition that the one who mistreated them is the real offender and that the mistreatment shoved them into a very strenuous nisayon, the decent person still wishes to have handled the situation with more dignity, better middot, and more emuna.

Unconditional Compassion

Until we accept that fact that pain is pain and allow ourselves to sympathize with the actual pain (rather than looking to see if it was deserved or not), we will have a hard time being truly compassionate people.

Of course, it's important to point out the obligation to scrutinize one's deeds in a such a situation. The pain is from Hashem, Who uses the offender as an agent of that pain. You ask Hashem why it happened.

If indeed, you mistreated someone to the breaking point, inciting a decent person to lash out at you, then that should come through as you analyze the situation with God. But many times, you'll discover another message Hashem wants to impart to you.

When someone confides their pain to you, it's important to sympathize, even if you see a reason for their particular challenge. Why? Because it still just plain hurts that person and it's possible to sympathize with that pain and confusion.

We don't always need to look behind the person for the reason.

We can just let go and be compassionate.

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Why Jews are Like Olives: Janusz Korczak, Stefa, and Gutta

11/4/2018

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The Torah compares the Jewish people to olives.

Why?

Because the most precious aspect of an olive (its oil) only comes forth when pressed.

Olives on their own are bitter, unattractive, and not good for much.

But olive oil contains many healthful properties and contains a wide variety of highly beneficial uses.

And this segues into the heart-stirring life and personality of Janusz Korczak (pronounced "yanush korchak").

Born as Henryk Goldszmidt in Warsaw in 1878 or 1879 to assimilated Jews, Korczak later took on the pen name "Janusz Korczak" and rose to become one of the most heroic figures in the Warsaw ghetto.

Because we'll be discussing several books in the post, I've provided some images to give you a better idea:

(The words in blockquotes way below are taken from page 92 of Gutta: Memories of a Vanished World.)
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The terror Korczak felt as a child upon witnessing the brutal methods common in Polish schools during his time combined with several other impacting experiences inspired him to develop more compassionate and more effective child-rearing methods.

While I haven't yet read his books, he apparently favored a gentle and mature approach with children, while still inculcating necessary values of responsibility, self-discipline, consideration of others, and emotional maturity.

Unlike the American pop psychology movement, which viewed (and still views) self-esteem as a goal rather than a result, it seems that Korczak understood that self-esteem was the result of making good decisions and engaging in mature behavior, rather than something that can be merely bequeathed to a child (or any person).

Even his books for children, praised for being able to enter the mind of a child so appealingly, were meant not only to entertain, but to inculcate important values.

Korczak the Humble Celebrity

Not only was Korczak raised in a completely assimilated environment, his family life wasn't ideal either. In fact, his father later died in a mental hospital.

Korczak himself became agnostic and didn't believe in forcing any religion onto children.

After attending university to become a pediatrician, he served in the Polish army, and eventually joined the staff of a Polish orphanage.

But because of their hate-filled attitude toward Jewish orphans (who weren't always literal orphans, but placed there by destitute families who'd lost one parent), Korczak went on to open his own orphanage for Jewish children where he was free to apply his own methods for raising children and did so with tremendous success, as attested to one of the last surviving orphans, Itzchak Belfer. (Link below)

Within Polish society, Korczak rose to become one of the leading pedagogues of his time, with his own popular radio show where he propagated his child-rearing theories via stories and wry humor.

With the publication of his book, Kaytek the Wizard, Korczak became the JK Rowling of Poland when his book hit enduring bestseller status, its fandom similar to that of the Harry Potter phenomenon. But it wasn't his first novel; other popular books preceded this one.

The Equally Courageous & Devoted Stefa

Korczak's brilliant assistant, Stefania "Stefa" Wilczyńska, was no less dedicated and heroic than he. Never married, she was viewed as a true mother by the orphans who continued to visit her after their own marriage with their children, whom Stefa related to as if they were her real grandchildren. In fact, Stefa successfully ran the orphanage on her own for a couple of years when Korczak was called into military service during WWI.

In the 1930s, Stefa visited Eretz Yisrael and worked with the children of a kibbutz where she provided the staff with good guidance and advice on how to improve their care of the children before returning to Poland.

In Korczak's orphanage in Poland, the children described the set-up as a mother-father dynamic, with Stefa as the mother who remained "at home" with the children and Korczak as the father who supervised them in the early morning and came home from his other work in the evenings to children who skipped and danced to greet their returning "father."

After the Nazi invasion of Poland in 1939, arrangements were made for Stefania to flee to Eretz Yisrael, but she chose to remain with her orphans and enter the hell of the Warsaw Ghetto.

Resisting the Warsaw Ghetto from Within

Despite his Polish connections, his non-Jewish lifestyle, his noble Polish appearance, and the willingness of influential Poles to hide him, Korczak remained with his children when the Nazis forced the orphanage into the Warsaw Ghetto.

There, he, Stefa, and their assistants made every effort to create a normal and even thriving life for their children. Even though they too were starving, they did everything they could to provide whatever food and activities for the orphans.

In his 60s at this time, Korczak developed terribly swollen feet from entire days spent plodding from one welfare institution to another, standing in lines and begging bread or buckwheat for the children. He also suffered lung problems among other health issues.

He personally and lovingly cut the children's hair and nails, told them funny stories, weighed them, and gave them their medicine. He also checked on them as they slept, pulling a fallen blanket over one slumbering child and checking the forehead of another suffering from fever.

How was a man broken in health, rejected by the very society to which he'd given so much (including endangering himself as a doctor on the battlefield), and himself starving able to provide nearly 200 children with not only their physical needs, but the love and tenderness they so desperately lacked?

As an agnostic, he didn't even have God to lean on.

The Beis Yaakov Influence

Gutta Sternbuch, the scion of a respected Chassidic family and a graduate of the original Beis Yaakov seminary in Cracow, also joined the staff of the orphanage.

Gutta taught the children blessings and Hebrew songs. She said Shema with them at bedtime and regaled them with stories of tzaddikim and miracles.

Periodically, Korczak sat by and listened to Gutta's religious uplifting, impressed by the positive impact she made on the children. Despite his own feelings toward any religion, he encouraged Gutta to continue because it made the children happy and that was all he cared about.

When Gutta wasn't able to make the curfew, she spent the night at the orphanage. During those times, Korczak asked her about her upbringing and Beis Yaakov experiences, to which he listened with a curious and open mind.

At one point, he told Gutta,

"I myself am lost, but I am looking for a word of strength for my children and for myself. I am desperately looking for a prayer to God."

Then he implored Gutta,

"Dear child, please help the children. Show them your love for God. Share with them your trust in Him. Tell them about Rosh Hashanah. Tell them that God is so close that everyone can speak to Him. Do you promise?"

She promised.

The Astonishing Park

At one point, Korczak and his staff arranged a special outing for the children.

The controversial head of the Judenrat, Adam Czerniakow (who gained hot-button fame when he committed suicide rather than participate in Nazi deportations), initiated a park project. He gathered a group of Jewish artists and architects trapped in the ghetto to create a park of trees, mountains, valleys, a waterfall, cows and sheep -- all out of paper.

(They had no other materials.)

The children were outfitted in special navy-and-white uniforms for the outing, also all made out of paper.

Because of the Nazi terror and deprivations, the children were in deplorable condition despite the best efforts of the Korczak's staff. Some were just days away from death.

But they radiated joy as they visited the "park" and enjoyed every moment of the outing.

Gutta later recalled: "If I could, I would award this park the highest prize for human endeavor and creativity...I was so proud of the Jews who created this park."

The Situation Deteriorates

Throughout the entire ordeal of the Warsaw Ghetto, Korczak struggled to find escape and refuge for the children. Until the very end, his former friends and the Polish Underground were willing to help him personally, but Korczak refused to abandon his children.

"You do not leave a sick child in the night, and you do not leave children at a time like this," he stated.

One effect of starvation is not just physical lethargy, but mental lethargy. Apathy seeps into the sufferer.

Korczak and Stefa experienced this too, but they fought it for the sake of the children, continuing to minister to them with all the love and care they could muster.

The Final Act of Courage & Love

In the first week of August 1942, the Nazis decided to liquidate all children's homes in the ghetto. On that day, Korczak requested 15 minutes to ready his staff and the children. The nearly 200 children between the ages of 2 and 13 were dressed and groomed as meticulously as possible under the circumstances.

To soothe their terror as much as possible, Korczak told them they were going to the countryside where they would experience fresh air and eat berries.

With Korczak heading four neat rows compromised of the children, Stefa, and the nurses & teachers devoted to the children throughout their ghetto incarceration, Korczak held one particularly debilitated child in his arms while holding the hand of another as the heart-breaking entourage was marched all the way through the ghetto to the main boarding platform.

As they moved forward, one of the teachers bravely tried to prop up the children's spirits by breaking into a rousing marching song about keeping one's head up through a howling storm.

It was a very long way to the trains and the children suffered, but the group was not allowed to stop walking.

As they crossed over a bridge, their heartless escorts shoved the youngest ones up the bridge and then knocked them down the other side as Poles below shouted, "Good riddance, Jews!"

Upon reaching the boarding site, they encountered thousands of other Jews sentenced to cattle car transportation.

At that point, one Judenrat official urged Korczak to come with him to the Judenrat for a possible reprieve. But Korczak feared leaving the children for even a moment.

And Korczak's fears proved right.

As the Judenrat official stood there, the Nazis ordered Korczak's orphans to be loaded into the cattle cars.

At this point, the account splits. Some say that a Nazi official, influenced by a person with sway, approached Korczak with a document that would allow Korczak to return to his residence.

Others say that this officer was actually working under Nazi orders because sometimes internationally famous Jews were transported to Theresienstadt, a concentration camp with deceptively better conditions designed to mislead the Red Cross.

Still others say that an SS officer recognized Korczak as the author of his children's favorite books and offered him an escape.

But Korczak refused to leave his children.

Then they were sent to Treblinka where their final moments were lost to history.
______
Note: The shock of losing Korczak and his orphanage was so great that for years, various people claimed to have spotted Korczak, Stefa, or the orphans around the Polish countryside.

But no evidence exists of their survival.
*
Gutta Sternbuch would have accompanied them to their final destination, but Hashem had other plans for her and she survived to marry and raise a family and nurture fellow refugees, as documented in her memoir.
________

The Deeper Lesson of Korczak, Stefa, and the Others

When we read of heroism, it's easy to get caught up in the jaw-dropping "What!" and lose sight of the subtler "How?"

With very few exceptions, most heroic people unknowingly worked up to their heroism via a series of smaller heroic decisions throughout their lives. The heroism of Korczak and the others stands out not only because of the ultimate sacrifice they made in the end, but also because their heroism was ongoing. It's easier to be a hero for a moment than to keep up the heroism through deteriorating health, mental lethargy, disillusionment, constant terror, and the bleakness of a truly hopeless situation.

And that's the real lesson to take away from such stories:
It's the decisions they made in the good times that affected how they responded in the bad times.
_________
Even though I'd come across Janusz Korczak's story decades ago, my discovery of Stefa was a lot more recent. Equally devoted to the children throughout their lives, Stefa refused refuge in Eretz Yisrael and also accompanied her cherished charges into the gas chamber.

And according to eyewitnesses, even throughout the terrible hell of the Warsaw Ghetto, Stefa's physical and emotional deterioration wasn't as rapid or pronounced as Korczak's.

Why?

Women's Studies devotees will certainly proclaim that it is merely because Korczak's male status earned him historical status while Stefa's gender relegated her to the sidelines.

But the truth is that Korczak was an international celebrity in that part of the world. Respected by colleagues for his military service and his education while adored by the nation for his theories, wry humor, and writing, Korczak was both the (l'havdil!) JK Rowling and the Dr. Spock of his time complete with books, speaking engagements, and his own radio show, all of which was the TV and Internet of its time.

And this likely propelled his deterioration too.

While I can't know for sure, accounts indicate that Korczak was never able to make peace with the betrayal of the Polish society he'd helped revolutionize and build. A handful of colleagues were willing to save him, but not save the children whom he treasured more than himself.

Everything he'd devoted his life to was being torn apart and annihilated.

The horrific circumstances rammed him into the wall of disillusionment again and again.

He'd invested heart and soul into propelling society to a better place, using his fame to make his world more moral, caring, wiser, and compassionate.

Yet it all ended with him carrying broken children in his own faltering arms while dragging his broken body past jeering countrymen into crate on wheels headed for a gas chamber.

I'm not sure if he ever sensed the precious golden oil that managed to seep out of the olive press in which he found himself.
__________

Itzchak Belfer, artist, sculptor, and last survivor of Korczak's orphanage

Note: Janusz Korczak achieved even more in his life than what's written here. Furthermore, his ghetto diary was saved and published, revealing much more about his life and his personality. There is also so much more good to relate about Stefa and the teachers and nurses who tended the children in the orphanage, which are available online and in books. This post is just a drop in the sea.

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Why Believing in the Power of Your Own Prayers ISN'T Pretentious

10/4/2018

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Regarding spiritual matters, it's often helpful to use 3-dimensional real-world metaphors to get some kind of grasp on how lofty spiritual physics work.

Many people think that because they're very flawed or nothing special, then their prayers are nothing special either.

But this isn't true.

Particularly when praying for others, a sincere prayer from the heart of an otherwise flawed and sinful person can still be very powerful.

How does this work?

God is Your True Parent

Let's say you're a parent.

And let's say that one of your children possesses the ability to be serene, caring, clean, and to courageously do the right thing, yet instead is pulled after his or her yetzer hara.

And so this same child tends to act out as a bitter, selfish, resentful, rebellious, chutzpadik brat. Furthermore, this same child also enjoys a good romp in the local pig sty, making this child often dirty and smelly.

Yet upon seeing the suffering or potential suffering of another sibling, let's say this child comes to you in all his or her muckiness and addresses you with a heartfelt plea: "Mom/Dad, I know that due to my usual behavior and appearance, I don't deserve any favors from you. However, I'm genuinely concerned about my sister. She's about to marry the wrong guy/she's not healthy/she's suffering from serious financial problems/Etc., and I can't sleep at night thinking about everything she's going through. Her pain also pains me personally. Can you please, please help her out? I really can't stand to see her suffer. Please?"

How would you feel?

Wouldn't your heart be touched that this self-absorbed wild child decided to leave his or her bewitching pursuits for a moment to care about and plead on behalf of his or her sibling?

Wouldn't you be gratified and hopeful at this wonderful sign that maybe, finally, your errant child is coming out of his or her own personal darkness?

And despite your child's stench, filthy appearance, and appalling behavior, wouldn't you feel moved to respond positively to such a heartfelt and selfless plea?

Obviously, Hashem is infinitely above human emotions. So far above, in fact, that His Love and Compassion toward us is beyond anything we can ever feel for each other, including for our own children.

And so this kind of prayer is very powerful. Therefore, you shouldn't automatically dismiss yourself as so wretched or unimportant that God won't take note of your prayers. He will!

Many people mistakenly assume that it's gaava (arrogance) to feel that their prayers are important and even transformative. But in reality, this assumption of gaava is a heretical and harmful assumption. Your prayers and your conversation with God are very precious to Him.

(Your connection with God is also the only way out of the pig sty and the soul-destroying behavior, whether your own or someone else's.)

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Staying Real about the Good Points: Don't Treat a Bald Person like He has Hair

16/2/2018

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In a recent post, we discussed how the positive traits, qualities, and merits you seek in others must be true, and not imagined.

Yes, even the worst Jew still has a beautiful shining soul underneath all the muck. So the potential you may sense is definitely there.

But practically speaking, some people really are trying to hurt others, maybe even enjoy hurting or embarrassing others, really don't care about anyone except themselves, and really aren't motivated to change no matter how much their behavior is harming themselves or others.

Some people really aren't interested in even starting the work it takes to make even a smidgen of teshuvah, no matter how much support they receive from a friend or counselor or rebbetzin.

So in order to find that meritorious quality or deed, you may need to sideswipe a lot of muck and detour into a completely different area of their personality in order to find the merit.

I think this also explains why, many times, the very person you spend hours listening to and validating ends up turning on you. Initially, I thought it resulted from their poor self-image. Meaning, I thought they couldn't stand hearing good things about themselves or hearing their behavior reframed in a positive light because it felt like such a lie due to their profound self-loathing and inner toxic shame.

I also thought that sometimes it was a trust issue, i.e. their way of testing your love to see if you'd really would be there for them no matter what.

And then, you may be gritting your teeth with them because they've become so difficult and oppositional, so they also sense that tension they've caused by upsetting you or exhausting you emotionally.

And finally, because their attacking and "testing" can be so hurtful, you may either finally reach your breaking point and strike back (which will either REALLY upset them or make them victoriously happy that you finally broke down and have become inferior to them, as they perceive it) OR you may simply place healthy limits on their offensive behavior -- something they hate because it implies that they are wrong in some way and people consumed with toxic shame usually cannot tolerate being wrong or at fault.

And I still think those aspects are true, but I no longer think that's the whole picture.

I think that if they actually don't mean well or that they really are doing the wrong thing, yet you insist on repainting their bad stuff in rosy hues, then they sense that dishonesty on your part (however sincere your own intentions are).

Maybe you really do think they're just kidding about a negative thing they said.
Maybe you really do think they care about how their hurtful behavior affects their neighbors, their spouse, or their children.
Maybe you really do think they want to improve and do teshuvah, but are just struggling through a rough patch right now.

But what if they don't?

Maybe they don't. I made this mistake a lot.

Let's look at it through a parable...

The Bald Child Treated as a Thick-Tressed Child

Let's say your three-year-old is still pretty bald. It happens. But looking at your and your husband's family members, you know that this kid has the genetics to have a beautiful head of hair.

Fine. But what if you start treating this child as if she already has a full head of thick gorgeous hair?

What happens if you decide to brush that bare little head with a hairbrush meant for long thick hair? (Ouch!)

What if you decide that you needn't put at hat on her when you go out in the sun because, heck, it'll just be too hot on top of all that thick hair? (Sunburn! Sunstroke!)

What if you decide to place barrettes and hair accessories on her head with no hair to hold them in place? (They'll fall off and get lost.)

It's very nice that you view your child in such a positive manner. But tachlis?

THE KID HAS NO HAIR! She's bald as baseball!

Forget her hair for a minute. It doesn't exist right now. You'll need to take her bald vulnerabilities into consideration, but at the same time, you can also focus on her positive qualities that do exist, like her gorgeous eyes or her astounding fine-motor coordination.

Stopping buying her hair accessories (except sunhats) and instead, buy her stickers for her adept little fingers and turquoise jumpers to accentuate her pretty blue eyes.

The Twin Transgressions of Chanifah & Lashon Hara

Being well-meaningly but dishonestly positive also generates chanifah -- often translated as "flattery," but it really means behaving as if a forbidden behavior is okay or even right.

The Torah outright forbids chanifah, which is likely another reason why painting a person as too rosy a picture often leads to disaster for you, as described at the beginning of the post. Chanifah is a severe transgression according to the Torah and Ways of Tzaddikim/Orchot Tzaddikim dedicates a whole chapter to eliminating this quality.

If your love and good intentions lead you to sin (like the sin of chanifah), then you just won't have siyata d'Shmaya at your side, no matter how much you truly want to want to perform chessed.

Being smacked out of the relationship is Hashem's way of getting you out of a harmful situation. He loves you and doesn't want you to continue down the path of chanifah. He wants you to be good and reap reward, and not the opposite.

It should also be pointed out that very difficult people usually speak lots of lashon hara. This often occurs under the guise of doing so l'toelet (for a beneficial purpose), but they usually go far beyond the limits of toelet. They genuinely feel hurt, betrayed, and frustrated with several people in their life (and sometimes for good reason). But they don't just pour out their frustrations occasionally to one person in a disciplined manner; it's constant. It literally goes on for years with an ongoing variety of friends, relatives, rebbetzins, rabbis, and therapists.

So you end up listening to lots of lashon hara under the impression that it's l'toelet, but really it's forbidden.

So you might feel shocked, hurt, betrayed, or guilty when the person you've been trying to help finally turns on you. But really, it's Hashem acknowledging your good intentions and trying to yank you out of a spiritually harmful situation before it's too late.

Tips to Top You Off

To sum up:

Find a REAL merit or a good point in a person...
...but don't invent what's not actually there.
Realize there is beautiful soul-light underneath all the dark muck...
...but don't relate to the person as if that light is already shining through when there is really only dark muck for now.
In other words, don't treat a bald person like a full-head-of-hair person.
Daven for the person.
Tell Hashem of that person's good points and good potential.
Be kind and compassionate, but don't sacrifice your own soul or your Olam Haba for this person's ego demands.
Review the laws of lashon hara and chanifah so you can identify them and follow them accordingly.
Lovingly and cheerfully do your own cheshbon hanefesh to catch the sneaky traits that can trip up even the best person.

Note: I really like Miriam Adahan's tip to judge a situation by:

frequency
intensity
duration

Why? Because we all mess up at times.

We all get frustrated, angry, negative, stressed, and overwhelmed.
We can all lash out with non-toelet lashon hara, yelling, and other forbidden behaviors.

So it follows that if someone engages in prohibited behaviors infrequently, without overwhelming intensity, and of short duration, then it would be wrong to judge the person according to this negative outburst.

When I discuss people who are behaving dysfunctionally and unremorsefully, I mean people for whom this is their normal pattern of behavior over the long term.

I do not mean people who are struggling through a low point in their life or undergoing serious stress at the moment. Even the best person can be knocked off kilter for a week or even a month. But if years go by and the person shows only superficial change or no change, then you need to take that into account.

Of course, a person can turn himself or herself around even after decades of bad behavior. It has happened. But until they do, you need to take their history of frequency, intensity, and duration into account.
___________
Related posts:
How Embracing a Contradiction Leads to Resolution
4 Things to Know about Beneficial Lashon Hara
How to Speak and How to Listen to the Lashon Hara of Hurt Feelings

May we all merit to do teshuvah from love and not from suffering.

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Human Interaction and the Secret of Light

4/2/2018

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In Pirke Avot, there's a line from Ben Zoma that says:
"Who is wise? The one who learns from every person…"

It's the first in a series of proverbs that define wisdom, wealth, power, and honor.

I don't know the commentaries on it, but it seem that it's the baseline for the main objective of our interactions with other people:
Exposing yourself to the other person's light to be influenced by their light and their good points AND allowing the other person to be exposed to and influenced by your light and your good points.

Furthermore, we are supposed to actively seek out the good points in other people, including bad people.

This does not mean that we justify or whitewash prohibited behavior.

It means that we simply seek out whatever good does exist within that person. It's very easy to do this with some people, yet a grueling challenge to do this with others.

But let's get back to the idea of a person's "light."

What is Mutual Illumination?

Everyone has some kind of light to shine on you.
You also have your own light to shine on every person you meet.

Now, that light you have isn't necessarily what you think it is. Gaava (pride, arrogance) can get in the way. You might think that a person needs this-and-such from you, but maybe they really need something else.

Maybe.

Maybe what you think they need is really what they need, but maybe it's not.

So it's very important that, when interacting with another person, you open up yourself to receiving their light. Not their bad stuff and not necessarily what they literally say or think. It's deeper than that.

One of the big deterrents to the necessary exchange of light is a perceived status-difference between two people. People in positions of authority, whether they be teachers, mentors, advisers, rabbis, rebbetzins, doctors, therapists, etc. need to realize that the flow of light must go both ways. The people (clients/congregants/patients) turning to these authorities or experts also need to realize that the flow of light goes both ways.

For example, the community rabbi must realize that he's isn't just a giver; he also needs to be a receiver. When a congregant comes to him with a question or issue, the rabbi needs to be able to see the congregant's good points and allow the exchange of light to occur. Yes, the rabbi may be more intelligent and knowledgeable than the questioner. But that doesn't mean that the light flows only one way.

On a more casual level, a friend might turn to another friend in a way which temporarily raises the listener into a seemingly higher position, as the one who bestows wisdom or validation upon the other. Yet the talker is also giving something, even if neither realizes it.

Humility is essential in the smoothest exchange of light.

Humility is also the hardest trait to internalize, but to whatever extent you can, it's very good.

When the Light is Either "Fake" or One-Way

Sometimes, we dismiss someone because they don't seem important enough in some way. It may occur only in our mind or it may be acted out as rejection or a dismissive comment.

It may either be conscious or totally unconscious. We just turn away because that person is simply part of the scenery of our lives and not anything that seems to demand our attention or appreciation.

But I've noticed that if the exchange isn't facilitated in a positive way (i.e. seeing the good points and receiving the light), then Hashem whomps you with the light and forces it on you.

Meaning, that if you think someone is innately less worthy than you and you dismiss them, sometimes something happens. At some point, they might tell you off. Or you might find yourself rejected by them.

It's not happening on the conscious level and it goes without saying that if someone is lording themselves over you, that you need to learn from them, then that's a sign that you need to put some distance between the two of you because a self-important person wants to shine his or her ego onto others, and not his or her actual good points.

But if you're the one acting like "the great guru" or "the wise friend" or "the healer" or the helper" or "the authority" or "the consultant," you could be making yourself into a giver only and not also a receiver.

(Again, this usually happens instinctively, and not something you mean to do in the praiseworthy act of helping someone. In decent people, it's not a conscious act. And yes, I've been on both sides of this.)

At that point, the person may reject or dismiss you right back. Or maybe they'll tell you that you've hurt them in some way. They may even tell you outright that you're full of yourself.

However, it's important to note that just because someone says you are not giving them enough kavod or attention or chessed doesn't mean that it's true. A giver-only can also attack you because they refuse to also be a receiver. Meaning, they attack you because they are trying to block themselves from receiving your light.

If someone responds to you as per the above, it's important to take the scenario to a quiet place and examine it with Hashem to figure out whether it's true or not.
(And if it is true, how true is it?)

An arrogant person wants to shine his or her ego on others...in other words a fake light. But the real light is still there.

Seeing the good points in even an arrogant person can help access the real light that's hidden the glare of the fake ego-light.

How to Both Give and Receive Light

In Words of Faith, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender mentions several times the importance of shining light on others and receiving the others' light too. He stresses this as the main point of speaking with others:
They need to be influenced by your light and you need to be influenced by theirs -- the light being whatever good points each person possesses.

So how to facilitate this?

When someone turns to you, see their good points, whatever you can find. Even if you truly are wiser, more experienced, more mature, and more knowledgeable than the other person, they still have good points that you lack.

If you turn to someone to receive from them, be careful that they see your good points along with the flaws you are trying to fix. People who are critical, condescending, and dismissive block themselves from receiving light -- which means that they can't give real light to you either.

Know that what you think you have to give others isn't necessarily what you really have to give. It might be so for some people, but for others, it's something else.

Giving encouragement (chizuk) to the other necessitates seeing their good points, which facilitates the exchange of light. So if you find yourself in the "guru" position, focusing on being mechazek (strengthening, encouraging) the other enables you to both give and receive light.

May we all merit to illuminate and be illuminated by everyone we meet.

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<<Previous

Affirming Our Innate Goodness & Ability

Judging Wonky Jews Favorably

Bringing It All Home

What Would You Say If...?

How to Bumble Your Way to Self-Improvement

My Life: The Garden of Bumbling

A Prayer of Thanks to the Creator of the World

Communicating in the "Right" Nusach

Language Foibles from the Heart

The Language of the Heart

What about a Breaking Point?

Unconditional Compassion

Korczak the Humble Celebrity

The Equally Courageous & Devoted Stefa

Resisting the Warsaw Ghetto from Within

The Beis Yaakov Influence

The Astonishing Park

The Situation Deteriorates

The Final Act of Courage & Love

The Deeper Lesson of Korczak, Stefa, and the Others

God is Your True Parent

The Bald Child Treated as a Thick-Tressed Child

The Twin Transgressions of Chanifah & Lashon Hara

Tips to Top You Off

What is Mutual Illumination?

When the Light is Either "Fake" or One-Way

How to Both Give and Receive Light

Myrtle Rising

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