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Behaving with Courage & Compassion in the Coronavirus Ward

23/3/2020

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I was moved to tears by the last paragraphs of this article:

Amid Coronavirus, Israel Modifies Funeral Rituals for First Victim

In the coronavirus ward, medical workers mostly communicate via video with the patients. And the new protective protocols prevent them from giving the hands-on care the patients also need.

So the younger & healthier coronavirus patients have taken upon themselves to care for the older, suffering coronavirus patients.

These younger, less affected patients fluff the pillows of the more severely affected, adjust their oxygen masks, and help them call their family members.

As 88-year-old Aryeh Even's situation deteriorated, the other patients refused to allow him to feel alone. They cared for him and remained with him in his last moments when his own family were not allowed to be at his side.

Two patients even said Shema Yisrael with Mr. Even at the end of his life. 

It takes compassion to respond as these patients have.

But it also takes courage, seeing the effects of the same disease from which they themselves suffer, to face Aryeh Even's suffering & death head-on — with beautiful Jewish compassion.

May this courage & compassion be a zechut for all Am Yisrael.

And may all the ill merit a complete & speedy refuah of the nefesh & the guf.

And may Hashem erase this epidemic immediately from our midst, with no more victims.
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What Does Judaism Say about Self-Love & Self-Esteem?

25/12/2019

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Growing up in secular liberal America, I always heard a lot about self-love. There was even a famous song, which declared that learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.
 
(Shame on that songstress. As someone with a religious background, she should have known that learning to love God is the greatest love of all. But Hollywood corrupts everything. Oh well.)

Self-love & self-esteem were supposed to go hand-in-hand to cultivate a positive self-image, thereby making you a better person.
 
Yet as time went by, many “experts” realized that self-love did not actually lead to the good behavior they’d predicted. And many bad people (narcissists, for example) possess a falsely positive self-image and esteem themselves too highly.
 
So “experts” started talking about self-compassion.
 
That was better, but I still couldn’t help noticing that the concept of self-love (self-esteem, self-compassion, etc.) didn’t seem to exist within all the millennia of scholarship contained within Judaism.
 
Yes, there is ONE passage commonly lifted out of Gates of Teshuvah to promote self-love & self-esteem. (Basically, it explains something like how low self-esteem can lead a person to compensate by puffing up himself with fake attributes and arrogance.)
 
But it seemed that if self-love was an essential part of self-growth, Chazal would’ve mentioned it somewhere – and somewhere easily found.
 
And no one ever quoted the Gemara about self-love.

If self-love is essential to teshuvah, why isn’t it anywhere in the Gemara?

That omission alone should tell us something.
 
At the very least, in the entire book of Gates of Teshuvah, Rabbeinu Yonah should have mentioned it more than once if it was so important.

It's the Well-Meaning Bull's-Eye Artists Once Again...

PictureWhich came first? The target or the arrow?
​Gradually, the realization dawned on me that if it’s not mentioned in our core Jewish sources, then it is probably not a Jewish idea.
 
Eventually, I chalked it all up to a common practice among many well-meaning frummies: They shoot their arrow and then draw a bull’s eye around the arrow so it looks like the arrow hit the target.
 
Likewise, these very well-meaning people grab an idea from modern psychology and then search through Chazal until they find a verse that supports their treasured currently fashionable idea.
 
They honestly don’t realize what they’re doing.
 
And while such a method may help temporarily (if it didn’t help at all, it likely never would’ve made it into the annals of pop psychology), it ultimately will not do the job because it’s not completely true (if it’s true at all).

Azamrah!

​Next, people pointed to Rebbe Nachman of Breslov’s famous idea that you need to find at least one merit in yourself, at least one good point.
 
That’s still not self-love.

​It’s more along the lines of self-compassion & self-esteem & a positive self-image, but it’s still not the same idea as promoted in the non-Jewish world.

Anyway, why did Rebbe Nachman so strongly push this idea?
 
What’s the motive behind it?
 
He pushed it because people who do a very sincere & deep cheshbon hanefesh come up with all kinds of unpleasant realizations about themselves.

Even very good people end up discovering all sorts of not-so-pious motivations behind their acts of piety and chessed.

(It’s exactly this kind of self-awareness that keeps our Gadolei Hador and our tzaddikim so humble, despite their genuinely elevated qualities and, in some cases, their global fame.)
 
So the whole point of self-azamrah (finding at least one good quality in yourself) is to save the profoundly honest & relentlessly self-probing people from despair & emotional paralysis.
 
Along these lines, it’s impossible to miss Breslov's constant encouragement to uncover your flaws before Hashem, pouring your heart out about them in hitbodedut in order to polish them. (In Words of Faith, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender emphisizes several examples of this.)

Which, again, is the whole reason for the necessity of self-azamrah.
 
I don’t know if you need to go digging around for at least one good point in yourself if you’re not doing some kind of cheshbon hanefesh. If you have no serious regrets and you feel pretty satisfied with yourself, then what is the point of self-azamrah? After all, you already see plenty of good points in yourself!

In other words, Azamrah facilitates cheshbon hanefesh & teshuvah.

That's its purpose.
 
So really, self-azamrah is not the self-love or self-compassion promoted in pop psychology either.

To see a classic short story from Rebbe Nachman describing the Azamrah process, please see:
The Tzaddik Who Fell into Sadness

What is the Torah's Definition of a Positive Self-Image?

It's Not "I'm Okay, You're Okay."

It's More Along the Lines of: "Maybe I'm Not Really NOT Okay...But My Neshamah is Absolutely Brilliant!"

A positive self-image Torah-style means recognizing that your core self, your neshamah, is pristine and holy.

​Your job is to clean up the rest of you and actualize your pristine and holy core.

We're Still Not Through Yet: Where is the Love?

​So while I came across nearly zero about self-love (or self-esteem), I did come across an enormous amount of Torah material promoting love for HASHEM.
 
Ahavat Hashem/Love of God: THIS idea is just all over the place in Chazal. It’s in Tanach. It’s in every book on mussar or Chassidus. You can’t get away from it.
 
So then I realized that the goal is actually to love Hashem…and to know that Hashem loves you too!
 
In fact, Hashem loves you much more than you could ever love yourself.
 
This is talked about in Torah classes. But why the need to also introduce self-love and self-esteem and self-this and self-that?
 
I think it’s because the idea of such a relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu feels very far away, very difficult to attain.
 
And that’s to be expected.
 
But that’s doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make it our goal.

​A far-off goal doesn't mean we should dilute it with non-Jewish ideas in order to seemingly bring it closer.

It's Not Too Far Away

​In the spiritual realm, EVERY SINGLE TINY STEP is HUGE PROGRESS.
 
Every spiritual act you do MEANS something.
 
Even if you become a completely rasha tomorrow (chas v’shalom), you can never erase any of the good you did.
 
Never.
 
That’s why terrible people often live it up in This World. Somewhere, they’ve done something good. And Hashem gives them their reward for it now.
 
(But they sure will pay for it later!)
 
So we shouldn’t allow the loftiness of the goal to dissuade us.
 
Unfortunately, people who automatically (and often unconsciously) dismiss this goal can end up teaching, and writing books and articles in the frum community, which is why you’ll hear about all these pop psychology concepts within frum venues.
 
So as good-hearted as these people are and as passionately as they want to help others, they can’t because they don’t have the right hashkafah themselves. And they honestly do not realize this.

Placing Bogus Limits on God (Who is Limitless) Leads to Really Bad Things

​By the way, this idea that a 100% true and necessary Jewish fundamental is “too far away” or “too high” to even attempt reaching is a 2000-year-old mistake made by other people.
 
This is the basis for declaring a son of God who is also divine, and then using this imagery as a medium for prayer.
 
Combine this with a rejection of the paradox that really horrific things happen in the world, yet Hashem is a Wholly Compassionate Creator Who does everything for the good, and you have what you have in the world today as far as a major religion goes.
 
So for them, God feels too distant to access, plus they need someone to blame for all the bad stuff and the harsh judgements. So they make the human rep the “god” of love and accessibility, while they make the actual Creator the source of whatever they perceive as bad and punishing. Ta-daaaahhhh!
 
Actually, it goes back even further. Much avodah zarah rests on this idea that God is too far away, too busy, too overwhelmed, too exalted, too paradoxical, and thus we need an intermediary (chas v’shalom).
 
(In contrast, very early avodah zarah derived from the idea that people should praise the King’s servants—i.e., the planetary bodies—which led to actually worshiping them.)
 
The point is: We should not limit Hashem.

(Needless to say, we can't actually limit Hashem. But we can fool ourselves into thinking so.)
 
That always leads to trouble in the end.
 
We can strive to nurture a personal relationship with Hashem, and cultivate love for Him while at the same time, making every effort to feel His Love for us.
 
So it’s not that you need to love yourself, but that you need to maintain a constant awareness that HASHEM loves YOU.
 
Even when you’ve been bad, Hashem is right there loving you and waiting for you to return to Him.
 
But that still wasn’t the end of it.

Oh-Ho! I Found Self-Love in Judaism After All...

​If you read the wonderful mussar book, Pele Yoetz, you’ll discover that the second chapter is titled: Ahavat Atzmo – Love of Oneself!
 
So what’s going on with that?
 
First of all, the preceding and first chapter is Ahavah L’Hakadosh Baruch Hu – Love for the Holy One Blessed Be He.
 
That right there tells us something.
 
The very first sentence of the entire masterpiece is:
Love for The Holy One Blessed Be He: There is no better virtue than this. For from this follows all the service of Hashem Yitbarach and all of Judaism.
So self-love (as defined by the big tzaddik who wrote the Pele Yoetz) is actually an aspect of God-love.
 
True self-love does not exist on its own, nor is self-love in and of itself considered a virtue in Judaism.
 
In Love of Oneself, the Pele Yoetz immediately states that self-love in an integral part of Divine Design, explaining that a person loves himself more than anything else and will give away everything in order to save his own life.
 
Then he immediately dives into the concept of self-destruction – which he exhorts against as the opposite of self-love.
 
Basically, genuine self-love leads to good physical & emotional function, which leads to continued service of Hashem in mitzvot & good deeds.
 
And that’s the whole point of self-love: avodat Hashem.
 
A person who transgresses, a person who lives a physically and emotionally unhealthy life? That person is not expressing genuine love for himself.
 
The Pele Yoetz categorizes such a person as being exploited by the Yetzer Hara, as having fallen into an “evil sickness,” and calls him a fool.
 
Such a person can even commit suicide, notes the Pele Yoetz, God forbid.
 
Whether a person injures himself or others, that injury is an act of cruelty.
 
The Pele Yoetz lists behaviors that do NOT show self-love, but rather display self-hatred:
  • Excessive drinking of wine
  • Excessive eating, especially of red meat or delicacies.
  • Excessive intimacy with your wife
  • Lengthy vacations and holidays
  • Working just to increase your bank account when you already have enough for your needs
  • Endangering yourself just for the money (going on dangerous journeys, as sailing in a ship once was, or to dangerous areas, not taking body guards).
  • Not being watchful with things that cause physical harm

(You can see that excessive intimacy with one’s wife or lengthy vacations do not clash with the idea of self-love in the non-Jewish world. So as long as you work by the non-Jewish self-love paradigm, you won’t reach the Jewish ideal of self-love, which is based on making yourself a vessel for continued service of Hashem.)

These behaviors DO show self-love:
  • A willingness to eat parched bread in peace & serenity rather than compiling a vast fortune accompanied by anxiety and toil
  • In the case where you are doing well financially, you use your funds to afford more physical comfort, but do not labor simply to increase profit.
  • You avoid indulging in wine.
  • You avoid indulging in meat.
  • You avoid consuming delicacies.
  • You do not overeat.
  • You avoid lengthy vacations.
  • You avoid excessive intimacy with your wife.
  • You stay away from hazardous places.
  • You stay away from hazardous journeys (sailing across the sea, for example), unless absolutely necessary.
 
Again, the non-Jewish world glorifies people who engage in dangerous treks to beautiful yet risky places. Furthermore, it sees nothing wrong with excessive marital intimacy or lengthy holidays. (In fact, lengthy vacations, ocean-crossings, and adventurous treks are even goals for many people.)

​So living your life according to even the best intentions of the non-Jewish self-love/self-compassion/self-esteem proponents will not lead you to the Jewish ideal of self-love.

Self-Care in Service of Hashem Only

​It’s interesting that the Pele Yoetz focuses primarily on your physical preservation with regard to self-love.
 
But again—what is the root of self-love, according to the Pele Yoetz?
 
The primary motivation for his love of self, body, and soul must emanate from the love of his Creator.
 
The body and self are “tools for serving the Master.”
 
They should not be sullied or broken.
 
So basically, you’re good to yourself—especially your physical self--so that you have the strength and ability to keep serving Hashem and doing mitzvot.
 
There’s no other reason.
 
Sounds like a tall order?
 
It is. But we should still try.
 
As long as we make the effort, the Pele Yoetz reassures the striving individual with this final note of encouragement:
Hashem will be his help and his might.

In a Nutshell: The 3 Basic Torah Ideas of Self-Esteem, Self-Image, and Self-Love

To sum up Judaism's take on all the above, based on the classic sources I've read:
​
 #1
Healthy self-esteem means:
  • You know that Hashem loves you (and is always ready to accept your sincere remorse & willingness to change).
  • You know that your core neshamah is pristine and holy.

You can maintain the above knowledge even if you know that you (outside of your neshamah) are actually not so great. You might think there is a heck of a lot wrong with you. You might even think you're very bad.

That's okay as long as you know the following:
  • You need to be secure in Hashem's Love & the exalted potential of yourself emanating from your deepest level of soul: your neshamah.

I can't repeat this enough: I simply never found the pop psychology ideal of self-esteem in any authentic Torah sources.

#2
A positive self-image means:
  • Knowing your neshamah (your deepest level of soul) is pure and unsullied.
  • Because of your neshamah, you have the ability to be a tremendously great person. (I know, I know...it sounds unrealistic for me too. But this is what the sefarim say.)

#3
Self-love means:
  • Taking care of your physical self in a way that enables you to serve Hashem in the strongest & healthiest way possible for the longest time possible.
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Part 4: And Even More Exercises to Increase Your Love of Hashem

25/11/2019

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In Section 3 of Ahavat Hashem in Chovot HaLevavot, Rav Bachya states an interesting observation:
  • Love of God is a natural result of certain realizations.
 
  • Paradoxically, the way to achieve love of Hashem is NOT to aim for loving Hashem, but to focus on certain preliminaries, out of which ahavat Hashem will NATURALLY unfold.

The preliminaries are as follows:

Wholehearted Devotion
  • Wholeheartedly acknowledge Hashem's Unity (He is One & the Source of EVERYTHING in the world).
  • Wholeheartedly devote all your acts to Hashem and serve Him for His Sake alone.

(Admittedly, a very tall order.)

Humility
  • Submit & humble yourself before Hashem.
  • Submit & humble yourself before truly God-fearing people (who turn from bad) and Hashem's Prime Ones (who do good).

Cheshbon Hanefesh
  • Make an account of all the good Hashem has done for you & ponder how much You owe Him for all that.
  • Take into account all the times you've messed up & sinned, and how Hashem so often grants you a reprieve and forgives you. Also, think of all the stuff you've done that you'd be so embarrassed if others found out, and how Hashem generally does not let that happen.

Reflection
  • Reflect on the words & experiences of the Nevi'im and others like them.
  • Reflect on the wonders of the world.

4 Practical Exercises

Sadly, I really have nothing to offer for the first 2 preliminaries. Halevai I was wholehearted & humble enough to have something to recommend!

(However, suggestions are welcome.)

Here are some suggestions for making progress with the last two:

Cheshbon Hanefesh
  • Write or say a gratitude list.

This idea has been repeated so often, but it is always a good idea. Then think about how Nice Hashem is for doing all that for you, and how you can never repay Him for all that, but you can at least show him some gratitude back.

(NOTE: This should not lead to despair; on the contrary, it is an uplifting idea. Think of Hashem like a pampering spoiling Parent who has done so much for you. Yes, this can be difficult if you've suffered a lot. But try your best.)

  • Do a chesbon hanefesh and then think about how Nice Hashem is to you despite all the times you've let Him down. 

​Think of how many times you've mindlessly mumbled a bracha ("Baruch, You're God, Our God, King of the Universe, yeah, yeah whatever...oh, where was I again? Hey, does anyone remember if I bentched?"), and how Hashem still loves you so much.

He forgives you and keeps you and the rest of the world operating.

If the world ran according to din, people would get struck by lightening right after bar or bat mitzvah.

Just think about how a snipey comment or utterance of slander does NOT get one's tongue yanked out. Ears that hear lashon hara or nivul peh still work perfectly fine a moment later.

One of our generation's biggest challenges is with our eyes. Taavah, taavah everywhere...whether it's the classic taavah or turning green with envy while window shopping or visiting someone with more materialism than you, or just plain desiring more of Olam Hazeh, most people's eyes work fine. Sure, some need glasses, but nobody's eyeballs just fall out, no matter how much bad stuff they do with their eyes.

Thanks, Hashem! SO INCREDIBLY NICE OF YOU!!!

Reflection
  • Review your favorite stories or passages from Nevi'im and Ketuvim. 

Telling them over to a child or any other enthusiastic listener is one way to relive these ancient experiences. Read them in the plain text or with mefarshim. Peruse them in the modern-day graphic book form for children.

Shoftim is chock-full of great stories. And I've always loved the stories of Eliyahu Hanavi & Elisha Hanavi. Sefer Yeshayahu is full of beautiful language and ideas. Think about what they said, their messages, and what that means for you. After all, these were all written down FOR YOU. (You can write down your thoughts or say them.)

  • Think about nature & all its routine miracles.
Rav Miller loved to talk about apple seeds and all the wonders within. Rebbetzin Heller noted that if there was only one willow tree (or some kind of tree) in the world, people would flock to look at it, even paying big money to see it.

But because we're surrounded by apples & trees, these wonders become bland in our eyes. 

But just think about it what these things really are. (It also helps to listen to or read Rav Miller talking about the wonders of nature.)
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Part 3: Even More Practical Exercises to Increase Your Love of Hashem

24/11/2019

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In Sha'ar Ahavat Hashem: Section 2, Rav Bachya recalls the 3 types of love mentioned in the first paragraph of Kriyat Shema:
  1. your heart (levavecha)
  2. your soul (nafshecha)
  3. your might (me'odecha)

These indicate 3 types types of giving:
  1. heart = honor
  2. soul = body
  3. might = money

He notes that some people give easily of their body, but not of their material possessions, and vice-versa.

For example, some people easily assist you in, say, carrying home your groceries or watching your children for a couple of hours (giving of their body), but find it difficult to loan possessions or give tzedakah.

Others are very generous with their money or loaning you possessions, but find it difficult to do physical tasks of chessed.

And yes, others need kavod. They'll happily give of their time, energy, money, and possessions, but they need to be asked in just the right way & thanked copiously too (and they also tend to let everyone know about all the chessed & tzedakah they do).

Or they have their ideas of what they find demeaning (even if it's not actually demeaning), and refuse to do even necessary beneficial acts that they imagine impinge on their honor.

And some acts of love do demean people, at least externally or culturally, but a truly humble & loving person would still do it.

Rabbeinu Bachya quotes Chazal as saying that all the above means you need to give to Hashem of the following:
  1. your heart = your yetzer hara & your yetzer hatov
  2. your soul = your physical life (to give up one's life when Hashem deems it necessary)
  3. your might = your physical possessions

Reviewing the above definitions, how can you use them to show Hashem your love for Him?

Write down or speak aloud at least 1 way to show your love for Hashem for each of the following:

YOUR HEART (levavecha)
  • How can you use your yetzer hara in service of love for Hashem?
(Note: That's a hard one; I imagine that in a clash of wills, subordinating your will to Hashem's Will is one way of using your yetzer hara to love Hashem, i.e.: "See how much I love You? I chose to learn on the bus instead of talking on the phone just because I knew You'd be happier that way.")
  • How can you use your yetzer hatov in service of love for Hashem?
  • How can you use your honor in service of love for Hashem?

​YOUR SOUL (nafshecha)
  • How can you use your physical action, your body to show your love for Hashem?

YOUR MIGHT (me'odecha)
  • How can you use your money and material possessions to show your love for Hashem?


See if you can incorporate your answers practically into your life.
Click here for Part 1.
Click here for Part 2.
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Part 1: Some Practical Exercises for Increasing Your Love of Hashem (based on the Gate of Love of God in Duties of the Heart)

20/11/2019

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(B'ezrat Hashem, any limud or positive acts from this post should please go as a zechut for the complete & speedy recovery of Menachem Mendel Shlomo ben Chaya Rochel.)​

An inspiring reader wrote in requesting exercises based on the last section of Chovot HaLevavot (Duties of the Heart), Sha'ar Ahavat Hashem (Gate of Love of God), similar to what was done with the section on Cheshbon Hanefesh in the workbook 30 Days to Make Your Soul Shine.

Needless to say, complete ahavat Hashem is something I need to work on too, so I was grateful for the Heavenly nudge from this reader. (And apologies to the inspiring reader, that it took me so long!)

So here it goes:

Exercise #1: Chapter 1 of Ahavat Hashem

When Hashem bound the soul to the body, He charged the soul to care for the body.

Your soul possesses a natural attraction to all that is beneficial & healthful for your body.

So take a moment to focus on the fact that Hashem imbued your nefesh with the good inclination to care for your physical body. Then close your eyes & ask your nefesh:
​
  • "What do you want me to do for my body?"
  • "How best can I help my body?"

You can speak this aloud or freewrite it, as you wish.

If you have a specific health problem, you can ask your nefesh what it wants you to do for that.

​Exercise #2 (This is also from Chapter 1):

  • Now think about 3-5 activities that give you the most pleasure.
​
(The above can be literally anything, even very material not-so-positive pleasures, like eating fatty carbs or getting buzzed, or positive emotional states like when you first fell in love with your spouse or the love you have for your child at his or her most lovable age).

  • Now focus on the fact that achieving a feeling of love for Hashem actually feels BETTER than any of those activities combined! (This should lead you to some kind of WOW moment – even a millisecond of WOW is really, really good.)

You don't actually need any of those material, emotional, worldly things to feel good! 

(Needless to say, it is of course very positive and beneficial to love your spouse & children, but even such positive worldly love can sometimes lead a person to indulging the relationship when they shouldn't; it can lead to imbalance.)

Loving Hashem is the best feeling there is. All the other stuff we do to feel good pales in comparison to being in love with Hashem.
​
  • Think about this, that loving Hashem feels SO MUCH BETTER than ANYTHING else. Contemplate it for at least 10 seconds.

(In Rav Avigdor Miller's 10 Steps to Greatness, Rav Miller advises telling Hashem directly, "I love You." The truth is that following Rav Miller's 10 Steps to Greatness will definitely lead you to increased love of Hashem, as will talking to Hashem in your own words as you would your best friend – as per the shitah of Breslov Chassidut.)
Please see Yosef Sebag's wonderful translation (along with his translations of the useful commentaries) here:
Sha'ar Ahavas Hashem - Gate of Love of G-d with select commentaries

Click here for Part 2.
Click here to continue to Part 3.
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5 Tips from Rav Kanievsky to Find Your Soulmate, Plus Some True Stories to Illustrate Why These Tips Really are So Important

4/11/2019

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Recently, Hidabroot published a response from Rav Kanievsky that was unusually long for him.

(For the whole story leading up to the list & the list itself, please see the original article: Searching for Your Soulmate? 5 Tips from Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky)

Here are the 5 tips:

1) Take upon yourself to be extremely careful of speaking or hearing gossip.
 
2) Don't criticize anyone.
 
3) Don't bear a grudge (be makpid) against anyone.
 
4) It is also very important that nobody is makpid on them. So if there is a suspicion that they caused somebody pain –​ they should appease them, ask for forgiveness and ask them not to be makpid.
 
5) They should pray for friends who are searching for a shidduch.

We All Know Some Crazy Shidduch Stories

After hearing rounds of discussions for years regarding all the derech-hateva theories for the shidduch crisis in America (I haven't heard of a similar crisis in Eretz Yisrael, regardless of community), it's refreshing (as usual!) to hear da'as Torah on the issue.

And just to be clear, I did NOT say that there are no desperately-seeking-shidduch situations in Eretz Yisrael (there are, unfortunately). However, I'm not seeing the mass-crisis proportions they apparently face in America.

I know way too many stories of unlikely meetings & marriages between people for me to take derech-hateva theories lock-stock-and-barrel.

My own Israeli husband is a few years older than me & started dating when I was still an assimilated high school girl in America. Would a round of 40 days at the kotel have helped him when I was in tenth grade?

Well, he did it. And yes, it helped! 

But not immediately.

Another friend of mine was an American chassidish girl in her late 20s who met her bashert in America right after he'd gotten off the plane from Tehran. And they met in the waiting room of the office of a Reform rabbi!

​(She was passing through for business & having just arrived in America, he didn't realized this wasn't a real rabbi. Noticing the serious young man in a kippah & tzitzit who clearly didn't belong there, she quickly got him pointed in the right direction, and then they married a year later. See? You don't NEED a hotel lobby. It's nice, but Hashem can set up your meeting anywhere.)

That's just two examples of situations in which the derech-hateva solutions would not have helped. We all know others.

I know people who are overweight, not extremely attractive, people who are jerks, obnoxious people, and decent but eccentric people, physically disabled people, and even mentally disabled people who got married without a long wait.

We all know people like this.
​
I know people who are not so attractive with some pretty bad middot who are happily married because their spouse has bad middot in the same way and they have a Bonnie 'n' Clyde compatibility.

​And again, I think we all know couples like that.

Watch Out for Those Hakpadahs!

And yes, the hakpadah thing can be a real issue.

I personally know people who traced their delayed zivug back to people they'd hurt.

In one case, an engagement broken without proper consideration or apology delayed the ultimate shidduch.

How did was that figured out?

Well, prior to their ultimate marriage, one spouse was on the brink of coming to a BT institution in Eretz Yisrael, but an odd experience cast the possibility out of mind.

Two years later, that partner finally arrived at the same BT institution, and via a staff member at this institution, this couple finally met and married.

"Why did that happen to me?" said that partner later on in the marriage. "I was all set to go –​ and it would've been GOOD for me to go there earlier – why did I suddenly decide not to go?"

After determining the approximate time this sudden refusal happened, the other spouse reluctantly admitted that not only had the broken engagement occurred around that time, but it was broken in a way lacking in derech eretz. Not intentionally hurting anyone, but lacking the courage to deal with the situation correctly, the partner just ditched.

Now think about that. Because of a broken engagement handled poorly, the ultimate shidduch was pushed off by at least 2 years.  ​

Selfless Tefillah

Also, my husband's nephew ended up stuck in shidduchim for a few years.

Finally, my husband's nephew and one of his mother's co-workers (a much older woman) decided to daven for each other that the OTHER should get married first.

My husband's nephew is a very sincere and temimusdig person. He truly davened that she would marry first. (Also, let's be completely honest: He was still younger than she and likely feeling less pressured about getting married already.)

Not long after he took on this davening, my husband's nephew met his wife who is such a wonderful young woman. It was an unusual shidduch because she was FFB from a chashuv family (my husband's nephew was secular until he decided to go to yeshivah for 9th grade), but they are quite compatible and have been producing beautiful Jewish children at a rapid clip. (Their first 2 children are only 11 months apart.)

Derech Hateva: Only be a Small Slice of the Hishtadlut Pie

Please note that I'm NOT calling for completely ignoring derech-hateva theories & solutions.

These theories & solutions exist for a reason.

But based on the above & many other stories like all the above, I really feel that tefillah & cheshbon hanefesh MUST be a MAJORITY part of the solution.

In all the above examples, only tefillah & cheshbon hanefesh could help.

All the derech-hateva solutions do not help one whit if your bashert is in Tehran, high school, and so on.

God willing, may all our singles (whether never married, divorced, or widowed) please find their good & true shidduch b'sha'ah tovah umutzlachat.

(This is a nusach I personally heard from the late Dayan Fischer ztz"l, who advised the girl I accompanied to daven that Hashem should bring her shidduch hatov v'hanachon b'sha'ah tovah umutzlachat.)
Related Post:
When Giving Results in Receiving: A Love Story

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The Netivot Shalom on How to Use the Loving & Joyful Power of Simchat Torah & Shemini Atzeret to Support You Throughout the Darkest Times of Your Life All Year Long

20/10/2019

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Since coming to Eretz Yisrael, it took me several years to acclimate to the fact that all the final chagim land on one day at the end of Sukkot. Outside of Eretz Yisrael, they're 2 days.

Anyway, according to the wonderful book, Netivot Shalom, these final days of Simchat Torah & Shemini Atzeret comprise the real holiday of love: the Love of the Creator of the Universe for the Jewish people.

(Note: Everything in this post is taken from Netivot Shalom: Simchat Torah, Ma'amar 5, Ne'ilat HaChag.)

Netivot Shalom stresses that Hashem's Love always exists, but during this final autumn chag, Hashem's Love is revealed at its zenith.

This idea taken from the verse in Shir HaShirim, "the King brought me into His Chamber," describes the intimacy we have with Hashem during Sukkot, an intimacy that culminates in these final days.

Shemini Atzeret (a day unto itself outside of Eretz Yisrael, but the same day as Simchat Torah within Eretz Yisrael) is the day that "locks" up these autumn chagim.

We've made our final plea for rain and other blessings, we've received our final kvittel, the final seal on the upcoming year.

But why all the love & celebration?

Wouldn't it be better to end on the note of teshuvah?

Why, Netivot Shalom asks, do we end this time with such joy & love, rather than the teshuvah & atonement of Yom Kippur?

He explains:
Being that the rest of the year, many instances of material & spiritual darkness pass over a Jew, and the strengthening of many gloomy inclinations — the metaphorical aspect of the long nights of Tevet [the winteriest month-MR], which are so dark — therefore, The Holy One Blessed Be He gave a last day to lock up the Regalim (Pilgrimage Holidays), this holy chag Simchat Torah, which is an intimate time between Hashem and the Jewish people and within it is revealed the Ultimate Love of Hashem for the Jewish people.

This is so that a Jew can go out of these holy days with a clear feeling of the Love of the Blessed One, which is eternal in every situation — and this he should take with him for the rest of the year. 
In short, we end this period on the cusp of the darkest & gloomiest days of the year.

​While winter literally presents us with our darkest & gloomiest physical days, the above hints at the metaphorical interpretation of the spiritually dark & gloomy days that can occur any time throughout the continuing year.

Netivot Shalom adds:
It happens that even the sins & flaws cause "separating curtains" to appear and obstruct so that one cannot see the Love.

Yet because one believes that The Holy One Blessed Be He is always close to him, even when one doesn't feel it and one doesn't see it, then one believes it is now only "hiding."
Oncee a Jew has fully connected to Hashem in joy & love on Simchat Torah/Shemini Atzeret, this connection sustains him or her even through the times of darkness, both spiritual and physical darkness.

When we can't see or feel Hashem, the love & joy of these final days remind us that Hashem hasn't rejected or abandoned us; He is merely "hidden."

​Here's the rest:
Behold, this is the power that illuminates for a Jew throughout all the times of darkness of the year.

And a Jew needs to take this joy with him, that the engraving of Simchat Torah will remain within him all year long, enabling him to always feel HaKadosh Baruch Hu with him throughout all the situations of the material reality and the spiritual reality.

Hold on TIGHT!

In Hallel, which we recite on the chagim, we include the verse from Psalm 118:27 "issru chag ba'avotim ad karnot hamizbeyach" — which basically means taking strong cords to tie the offering to the Altar.

Yet there is a much deeper meaning too.

Netivot Shalom stresses that this time is a most auspicious time to purify one's heart & eyes.

This is a time to focus on shemirat einayim and shemirat halev.

The eyes notice the attractions of the world while the heart feels and ponders them.

This combination leads to sin.

But if we purify our eyes & hearts (especially by asking Hashem to help us with this now), then we save ourselves.

The trait of holiness is the most precious to Hashem.

When a Jew makes himself or herself holy, this grants the Jew special protection and blessings in the face of every kind & any kind of threat.

So Netivot Shalom encourages us to "bind the chag with strong cords, in all the opaque and worldly matters."

There is so much spiritual illumination throughout Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, and Simchat Torah & Shemini Atzeret.

Yet when it's all over, many people return to what they were before.

How can we prevent this?

"issru chag ba'avotim — bind the chag with strong cords!"

DON'T stay the same as you were before — take the spiritual illumination with you!

The Netivot Shalom quotes an Admor who said:
Thankful am I before You, O Lord My God and God of my Forefathers, for all the loving-kindness you have performed for me during these holy days that have passed. But it is the nature of a human that the day after the Yom Tov, he completely forgets what was.

Where was he the night before? And what was the movement of his thoughts? What were the requests of his heart at the moment he was dancing with the Torah: "Achat shaalti m'eit Hashem otah avakesh shivti b'veit Hashem kol yamei chayai — One thing I asked from Hashem, this I shall ask: that I shall dwell in the House of Hashem all the days of my life" [Tehillim 27:4].

About this, it's stated: "issru chag ba'avotim" — to bind the chag with strong cords so that it won't slip from between his hands, and so that it will remain engraved from the Yom Tov for all the year.
Everyone faces different situations at this time of year.

There can be ups and downs throughout this day (or especially two days). 

But whatever joy and closeness to Hashem we can manage, we need to hold onto it as tight as we can because this is what sustains us throughout the rest of the year.
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The above translation is mine and therefore any errors are also mine.
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Authentic Torah-True Self-Esteem & Self-Love with Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Ha'azinu (Hint: All that "Self" Stuff? It's Not Just about Yourself.)

10/10/2019

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In Parshat Ha'azinu, we find that in Moshe Rabbeinu's painful last moments — intensified by his inability to enter his beloved Promised Land with the Nation in which he invested so much -- Hashem rebukes Moshe Rabbeinu.

In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah Parshas Ha'azinu: Recognizing the Greatness of Am Yisrael, Rav Miller points out that Moshe Rabbeinu is so great & his sin so fine-tuned (in Hashem's Eyes) that Chazal struggle to determine exactly what Moshe Rabbeinu's sin was.


Seeing as Moshe Rabbeinu achieved a closeness with Hashem that no other human being has achieved before or since, how could Hashem rebuke him in his final moments? 

Yaaay...US!

In Tanach, it's written that Hashem chastises those whom He loves.

By criticizing Moshe Rabbeinu in his last moments, Hashem ensured that Moshe Rabbeinu would come into the Next World COMPLETELY cleansed of even the most minuscule speck of ego.

Remember, Moshe Rabbeinu was one of the humblest people who ever existed.

​By criticizing him in his last moments, Hashem ensured the best Afterlife possible for Moshe Rabbeinu.

"The Bnei Yisroel, despite all the criticism, actually because of all the criticism, will remain His people and His servants till the End of Days. And that is so important to understand."

-Rav Avigdor Miller

This is so different than the ideas behind anyone's uppity "replacement theology."

(Not to mention the dire threats & curses Hashem promises to heap upon anyone who harms His People in any way.)

​Rav Miller's next words are so important, I can't help copying & pasting the entire text here [all text in square brackets & boldface my own clarification/emphasis]:
We live in a world that doesn’t accept the greatness of the עם ישראל [Am Yisrael/Nation of Israel]. 

It’s a world of darkness and sheker [falsehood].

And it has an effect on us. Absolutely it does. And therefore, you will have to put effort into internalizing the truth of the greatness of our people.

And no matter how much you speak about it, it won’t be enough.

​Now, I know that you all think that it’s a waste of time for me to talk about this.

You all believe it already. You all believe that the עם ישראל is Hashem’s beloved people.

But it’s not enough to simply believe. That’s almost worthless. You have to know and understand the greatness of our nation more than you know anything else in the world.

There is a certain prevalent attitude of knocking the frumeh, the best that our nation has to offer.

We have to be aware of this and realize that there is a certain form of anti-semitism in Jews themselves. When Jews knock the frum community it’s nothing but an echo of the anti-semitism in their own hearts.

You don’t realize how much the environment outside is affecting you.

I know that you don’t want to hear this, but most of you in this room are goyim. Yes, you are covered with a thin layer of Orthodoxy, but under that, if you scratch a little bit of the paint off, you’ll find that you’re thinking like the goyim around you.

It’s affecting you all the time.

The negative comments about frum Jews – whether individuals or different groups – that one hears from Orthodox Jews is simply the infiltration of gentile propaganda into our minds.

Not only gentile influence, but even more insidious is the influence of the non-religious Jews.

The Reformers, the Zionists, and all the Jewish resha’im have nothing but contempt for authentic Torah Judaism, and for those who practice it. We live among the resha’im, we see them, we speak with them, we read their writings, and we therefore think like them.

And therefore, the only way to counter that propaganda is by heaping praises on the Klal Yisroel as often and as much as you can.

​Everywhere you go, you can find opportunities to speak the praises of the עם ישראל. And if you can’t find opportunities, then you have to be wise enough and alert enough to make them.

Every day brings you many varied opportunities to propagandize on behalf of Hashem’s people. 
​(Note: If you are either offended by or can't imagine how Rav Miller could possibly call Zionists "reshaim," then please see A Review of "Guardian of Jerusalem" and What Do the Sephardi Gedolim Say about Tziyonut, the Medinah, and All That? You may still not agree, but it helps to at least understand why someone else thinks the way he does.)

And maybe it's important to acknowledge that yes, people will accuse you of being an apologist. 

People will accuse you of having your head buried in the sand or of sporting rose-colored glasses. 

​People will respond with unpleasant stories of the misdeeds of frum-looking folk (whether true or not).

And from personal experience, it does not matter much if you acknowledge the ugly warts marring the frum community as you extol its virtues and all the wonderful people you've met that you never met or heard of in any other community in the world.

Acknowledging the warts is simply not "honest" enough for some people. 

Unless you're trash-talking the frum community, you may be considered a distasteful, stupid, naive, hypocritical, blind apologist.
​
But you're not. 

Unconscious Propaganda-Indoctrinated Hypocrisy

Unfortunately, I was also affected by this at one point, thinking that being negative or focusing on negativity was being "honest."

I see that many, many frum Jews of all different stripes also suffer this mistaken assumption (again, with the very good intention of yearning to display honesty & sensitivity).

It was only after feeling somewhat battered during so many conversations with non-frum Jews (or anti-charedi Orthodox Jews) that I started to wake up.

Whether it was people I'd known and liked my whole life — and felt they'd always liked me too — or getting blindsided after I thought I'd made a completely innocent and inoffensive comment (including all the mental struggle to find just the right words so as not to offend, then the other person getting all offended anyway), or being confronted out of the blue in a way that would NEVER be tolerated by that same person if I (or any other frum person) would dare do that...I started to realize who the real hypocrites were. 

(Even though they didn't mean to be hypocrites; it was unintentional hypocrisy resulting from living in a culture in which the views deemed "politically incorrect" are presented in a distorted manner.)

For example, when I visiting my parents in the USA, an old family friend and one of my favorite adults growing up stopped by.

We were all enjoying a friendly conversation that drifted to the state of many "Conservative" (who are actually anti-Torah liberals) Jews in New York (where this man was originally from), and how it differs from "Conservative" Jews in most other parts of America.

Mentally struggling to find just the right word and keep the conversation inoffensive (for them, anyway), I settled on what I felt was a fairly neutral word: "traditional."

So I replied that the "Conservative" Jews in New York seemed more "traditional" than in other areas.

This old family friend smirked, then said, "You mean RIGID!" Then he and some others (not my wonderful parents) chuckled self-indulgently.

I felt punched. And outnumbered.

No, I did NOT mean "RIGID."

"RIGID" is not how I view people who are basically shomer Shabbat and observe more of the authentic halacha. (Halevei these "Conservative" New York Jews would become fully frum!)

And it's odd how he knee-jerk responded to the word "traditional."

​"Traditional" really can be viewed positively, negatively, or neutrally. It's interesting that he reacted so defensively to the (accurate) insinuation that the more mitzvah-observant "Conservative" Jews in New York were indeed more, well, traditional. 

Turning it around, how do you think this same person would respond had I said that "Conservative" Jews outside of New York tend to be even more compromised and assimilated than their already somewhat compromised and assimilated New York counterparts?

That's actually TRUE, by the way.

"Conservative" Jews ARE compromised and assimilated. Even the ones who don't mean to be and are simply misled by their pompous leadership, even they are still compromised and assimilated.

Do you see what I mean?

Double standard.

(In case you're wondering, I did not respond in any way, nor did I show I was hurt or offended.)

​That's just one example.

Where is All That Religious Coercion I Keep Hearing About?

Anyway, I started to realize who really engaged in thought-policing, "religious" (i.e. secular or anti-Torah) coercion, the imposing of their "religious" beliefs on others, and so on.

I couldn't help noticing that the most open-minded people, the people most concerned about the feelings of others (including those with differing opinions) were the more religious Jews -- whether they classified themselves specifically as charedi or whether they were just sincerely frum Jews who strove to uphold every iota of halacha regardless of any label.

As written in previous posts, I've had very positive experiences with the level of openmindedness of the Yerushalmi women I met when I lived in the Geula-Meah Shearim area of Yerushalayim.

I've repeatedly seen how so many frum Jews try to reassure others to feel comfortable around them, try very hard to hold onto their own values without offending others (keeping to the laws of lashon hara, for example, can be very tricky in today's culture of "I-have-a-right-to-express-myself-darn-it-and-if-I-can't-then-there'll-be-heck-to-pay").

Are You Searching for the Key to Self-Love & Self-Esteem? Introducing the REAL Pure Torah-Style Expression of Self-Love & Self-Esteem...

Rav Miller suggests we avoid wasting opportunities to insert Torah positives into conversations at:
  • weddings
  • bar mitzvahs
  • waiting in line
  • any other social opportunity

Rav Miller suggests we notice (and APPRECIATE) the following:
  • families with many children
  • a mother walking with a baby carriage
  • tsniusly dressed girls 
  • little boys wearing tzitzit & kippahs
  • fully kosher homes (despite the extra expense and effort involved)
  • fully kosher mezuzot on every doorpost of every home (not cheap, especially the beautified ones) — and then you need to tend to their upkeep and check them every so often
  • frummies give 10% (at minimum!) of their earnings to tzedakah (and NOT meaningless art museums, but REAL tzedakah)
  • all the Jewish parents who send their children to frum schools, despite the expense (especially in America) and sometimes the distance (I met a Chabad family in Long Island who drove their daughters to an excellent frum school that meant driving one hour EACH WAY every day!)​

If you live in a frum neighborhood, and especially if you live in Eretz Yisrael, you get to see sukkot everywhere. It's a real joy, especially if you grew up as a Jewish minority in America.

Instead of Halloween decorations hawked everywhere & carols already crooning from the radios and mall loudspeakers in November, you hear frum pop music and see sukkah decorations for sale until all hours. Sukkah boards and lumber stand along sidewalks and stick out of the backs of cars.

During Sukkot, you get to hear everyone singing from their sukkot because you're all outside together.

Baruch Hashem, we have such sounds and sights in our Land once more! May all Jews be redeemed sweetly to Eretz Yisrael and may Hashem erect the fallen Sukkah of David Hamelech.

And again, especially in Eretz Yisrael, the Sukkot weather is usually very pleasant (unless you live in a very humid area or there are thunderstorms & rain once or twice during the week-long holiday).

But heck, even that's part of the fun, everyone needing to escape into the house in the middle of the night. (The children, anyway, have very positive memories of this as fun.)

"A whole nation of people, all types of people, sacrificing and laboring for their ideals, for Torah ideals. And they are a people that are loyal to Hashem. There’s nothing better than the frum community, make no mistake about it."
​
- Rav Avigdor Miller

Of course, Rav Miller acknowledges that some frum people aren't behaving as they should.

​Yes, there is what to criticize.

He says it in the long quote above.

He says it in most divrei Torah. 

He says it in his advice for shalom bayit.

But he loves his fellow frummies anyway.

And he emphasizes that there is actually a lot to love!

Having lived in different places and communities throughout my life and having studied anthropology (the study of other cultures) in college, I can definitely attest to the fact that the level of chessed found in the frum community is unparalleled.

It may not always be perfect, but even with its flaws, it's unparalleled.

Recent emergency tzedakah campaigns have demonstrated the profound achvah we feel for each other and our generosity proves our respect for the mitzvah of redeeming captives or aiding the sick.​

"There’s no better time than now, as we begin the new year, to make a commitment to yourself. This year is going to be a year of raising the banner of the greatness of our people. This year I’m going to look only at the good of our people – because really there is so much good to see."

- Rav Avigdor Miller  

There's an art to finding and focusing on the good points of Am Yisrael, particularly the frum community.

Rav Miller acknowledges that you need to plan for it. You need to make a project out of it.

This is very important as far as sweetening din goes too.

Rav Miller quotes Mesillat Yesharim (Chapter 19) on this:
​”אין הקדוש ברוך הוא אוהב אלא למי שאוהב את ישראל — ​Hashem only loves only those who love the Jewish people” 
​(Mesillat Yesharim is a sefer with which no one can disagree. If you start quoting the Tanya, the last Lubavitcher Rebbe's sichos, or Rebbe Nachman's Azamra, people think it doesn't apply to them if they aren't in that group. But who is going to dismiss Rav Moshe Chaim Luzatto?)

"And therefore, what better way to find favor in the eyes of Hashem, than to praise and love His people. Think of their praises all the time. Speak of their praises all the time. And love them all the time because of their greatness. And the more you do that, the more Hashem loves you. And there is nothing greater in the world than the love of Hashem."

​-Rav Avigdor Miller

All credit for all quotes goes to the much appreciated Toras Avigdor.
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Part 4: There is None Like Your Nation Israel - Ein K'Amcha Yisrael

15/9/2019

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Why is it vital to aim the spotlight on ordinary frum people being nice?

Because we are roundly attacked by all media at all times, and are incredibly self-critical ourselves, so we need to be reminded how many of us do really wonderful things.

It's not that I am an oblivious idiot sporting especially thick rose-colored glasses; I can tell you exactly what's wrong with the frum community in general and even get specific according to group.

It's very important to ALSO see the good in ourselves and in each other. 

You can only fight darkness with light, not with more darkness.

Furthermore, it's important to sing the praises of regular Jews NOT engaged in grand acts.

If you think about it, Leah Imeinu and Chana were not much more than housewives on the surface. Their major avodah happened behind closed doors.

And even when Chana lost her privacy, she wasn't spotlighted for her profound holiness, but was mistaken for a brazen lush.

Yet these two quiet behind-the-scenes ladies merited their own portions in Tanach.

Leah birthed Mashiach.

And Chana's happily-ever-after finale? 

Why, she got to be a stay-at-home-mom of 8 children!

(One of whom became one of the greatest Prophets ever, second to Moshe Rabbeinu.)

If Hashem thinks quiet, unseen acts are so important, then maybe we should too.

The Thoughtful Chassidic Tatty

One day, I went to go pick up my son from school before 1:30 PM, which means that I am out and on the bus when the rest of the country is doing the same.

In other words, rush hour with all the crowding & stress.

As I waited at the bus stop, a chassidic man sat there with his little boy. Then a woman approached pushing a stroller with one hand and holding a small child in the crook of her other arm. Another child clung to her skirt as they moved toward the bus stop.

The chassidic man unassumingly rose with his son and moved to stand on the other side of bus stop, thereby allowing the woman sit on the bench with her children.

(He needed to do this because chassidim - along with many other frum people - do not sit on a bench with the opposite gender. So scooting over wasn't enough; he needed to actually vacate the bench.)

Needless to say, this was very thoughtful of him.

The Little Beit Yaakov Girls with Mesirut Nefesh for Derech Eretz

I ended up standing toward the back of the packed bus, which was fine as I knew that seats would free up soon and anyway, it would only be a 15-minute ride maximum.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed two little (3rd- or 4th-grade?) Beit Yaakov girls look at me with concern, put their heads together for a quick whispered conference, then one hoisted herself up on to the lap of the girl sitting by the window, while the girl sitting underneath helped her balance.

Then they called out to me sit down in the newly vacated seat.

Now, I do not know what Beit Yaakov girls wear in other areas, but here, they have enormous backpacks in varying shades of pink that are half the size of the little girls carrying them.

It was humbling to see these two little girls crammed into one seat between their enormous pink sparkly bags, just so they could make a seat available for a perfectly healthy lady standing in the aisle.

I praised them & thanked them, then reassured them that I was fine standing, as anyway, seats would be vacated in another stop or two.

(I was really uncomfortable at the thought of exploiting the goodness these little baalot chessed crammed between the window and their backpacks and each other; I wouldn't have taken seat in such a situation unless I really needed to.)

But these little Beis Yaakov girls continued to hold their position, allowing me to have second thoughts if I wanted (I didn't) before the one finally rolled off the lap of the other. Then they both looked at me quizzically, so I praised them & thanked them again.

A minute later, a row of teenage girls at the back called out to me that a seat had opened up and I ended up sitting next to another little Beis Yaakov girl.

Definitely Not What You Want to Have Happen on a Bus

This little Beis Yaakov girl (maybe a 4th-grader?) started coughing a lot.

I wasn't sure what I could do since she was already holding an open bottle of water in her hand and drinking it when she could.

Suddenly, she coughed so hard she vomited phlegm onto her skirt and the floor.

I think we can all imagine how distressing that is.

All I had in my purse was a plastic bag, which I gave her in case she needed to spit up again.

The 2 Beis Yaakov girls (age 11 or 12?) sitting in front of us immediately turned around to help her, cooing sympathetically & reassuringly while one called out for tissues.

A 9-year-old Beit Yaakov girl had an entire package in her backpack, which was passed through the crowd as we started cleaning up the phlegmy girl.

Then the tissue-extracting stopped as one of the helpful girls called out to the tissue-owner if it was okay to use more tissues?

(We all knew it would be, but you've still got to ask.)

"Use up the entire package," came the authoritative answer.

So they continued cleaning up the phlegmy girl, cooing to her soothingly the whole time. (I discovered that they weren't her sisters, which I thought they might be, due to their attentive care toward her, but they did know her.)

One even cleaned off the floor so that no one would step in the gook later.

Then they helped her off the bus at her stop.

The Pious Chassid of Pirke Avot in Action

I want to bring you in for a closer look at that last scenario.

First of all, these were all very young girls involved.

Yet the entire time, they responded to the unexpected emergency with efficiency and discretion.

(No need to call attention to one's helpfulness nor the state of the phlegmy girl, who is embarrassed enough as is. Other than calmly & briefly calling out about the tissues, there were no raised voices or drama or even a startled "Omigosh — Sara just threw up!")

Also, it is disgusting to clean up someone else's phlegmy vomit with tissues (despite it being perfectly possible to do so without getting one's hands messy) because it just is.

Yet these young girls did so without making faces and without hesitation. They were completely focused on the needs of the suffering little girl.

They displayed no sense of self-importance, just concern for the other.

Finally, despite the distressing situation, they still had the presence of mind to ask the tissue-owner if they could use so many tissues.

Of course, we all KNEW the tissue-owner would say yes.

But there is the famous verse from Avot 5:10, which proclaims "sheli-shelcha, shelcha-shelcha — What's mine is yours; what's yours is yours" as the attitude of a righteous person.

So the first two girls fulfilled the second part of the verse: "shelach-shelach — This is yours. This situation is urgent, but not a real emergency. We need to follow the courtesy of at least asking your permission, even though we know you'll say yes. What's yours is YOURS."

And the tissue-owner fulfilled the first part of the verse: "sheli-shelach — You need my tissues, so now they're yours."

That was the most quintessentially Jewish part of the whole shebang. 

And no offense to anyone, but ​I grew up in non-Jewish and secular Jewish culture. That extra step of instinctive consideration in the middle of an urgent situation?

I never saw it in the outside world. On the contrary, movies and books always show urgent situations as permitting a hefkerut of others' possessions. It's even idealized.

And there was a certain rhythm to it all. Everyone behaved like clockwork.

And the girl who even clean off the floor out of consideration for others' shoes? Chessed & thoughtfulness until to the end — and all performed in an automatic & unassuming manner.

Of course they knew they were being good and behaving correctly, but they clearly did not think they were special.

But they are.

And it's so delicious to see these young Jewish girls instilled with such fine Torah values.

Yashar koach to their parents and schools, and certainly to the innately holy neshamot of these young frum girls themselves.
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Related links:
Part I: There is None like You, O Yisrael; Ein K'amcha Yisrael
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Rav Avigdor Miller's Exeptionally Amazing Dvar Torah on Parshat Ki Teitzei

13/9/2019

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Using examples from Parshas Ki Seitzei 2 – Justifying the Just and the Gemara, Rav Avigdor Miller describes the vital importance of both recognizing and praising a tzaddik.

Doing so is good for us; for the tzaddik who is a truly humble person, being praised doesn't matter.

WE benefit from searching out & praising our tzaddikim.

This directive is from Devarim 25:1: 
"And they should justify the tzaddik and condemn the wicked." 

Then Rav Miller explains how figuring out who is a tzaddik is as difficult now as it was in the generation of Hillel and Shmuel Hakatan.
"Many times there are great tzadikim who are unknown."

Once Again, We See that Real Greatness is Found in the Seemingly Small Things by Seemingly Regular People

And then Rav Miller delves into one of the topics that he covers so well and is one of the aspects that really draws me to his Torah:

Who is a tzaddik in HASHEM'S Eyes?

Rav Miller emphasizes it's not necessarily who we think.

Here it is in a nutshell:
“ 'The true chassidus that is desired by Hakodosh Boruch Hu is far from any picture we have in our mind.' [Mesillat Yesharim] You hear that? A real chossid, a man whose piety and devotion is desired by Hashem, is something that is far from what we imagine. It might be somebody that it’ll give us a big surprise to discover that he is the one."
Rav Miller goes on to explain that yes, the man with the impressive beard & payot who shuckles a lot while davening could be a big tzaddik, but it ain't necessarily so.

For example, the Gemara mentions a man who used to remove stones from the street to make traveling easier for pedestrians & riders. The Gemara calls such a man chassid — ​pious.

He looks like he's doing menial busy-work, but in Shamayim, such dedication to making life easier for others is actual a great act of chassidut, of piety.

Especially before there were smoothly paved roads, rocks tripped pedestrians and stubbed their toes. Stones made walking painful & injurious to those with less-than-excellent footwear. Horseshoes & wagon axles could be damaged by stones. Stones jarred the wagon in a way that wearied the riders.

​So removing the stones was a very big chessed.

Thus, Rav Miller mentions that maybe a guy who kicks into the gutter every banana peel he sees (so that others don't slip on the peels) is a tzaddik.

He recalls a frum man he knew who, in snowy weather, filled a bag with sawdust or ashes, then as he went down the street, he scattered the contents around so that people wouldn't slip on the ice.

Sometimes, a slip on the ice leads to hospitalization, and this man was doing what he could to prevent that.

Maybe THIS man is a tzaddik, says Rav Miller.

Housewives, Booksellers, Halachah Experts, Teachers, and Refrainers from Lashon Hara: Singing the Praises of Our Unsung Heroes

Rav Miller recalls a frum book seller named Reb Shlomo Feldman who used to gather all the boys together on chol hamo'ed when the schools closed and organized prizes & Torah learning.

In his merit, there were Jewish boys learning Torah when they otherwise wouldn't be.

And he did such things all the time.

Rav Miller declares him "a tzaddik!" But acknowledges that people didn't appreciate the man's level of tzidkut.

Another man named Rav Asher Zimmerman never spoke even a smidgen of lashon hara — ​no matter what. And he was an expert in all practical halacha. In fact, people called him to ask about the practical halachot of issues, and he was always willing to respond to them.

​Rav Miller also declares him a tzaddik, and yet:
"He didn’t look like a tzadik; he looked like a plain man. But I knew him personally — I knew him for at least fifty years...There’s no question that he wasn’t appreciated enough..."

(pg. 6)
Rav Miller continues:
"Now, while we’re on the subject of tzadikim you must know that it’s not only men — it may be a chiddush to you but there are many women tzadikim too."

(pg. 6)
He mentions Rebbetzin Vichna Kaplan, who founded one of the first frum girls seminaries in America, earning the praise of Rav Aharon Kotler.

In her merit, thousand of Jewish girls were taught to build idealistic Torah homes and raise large families. From her merit & dedication flowed generations of female teachers and homemakers.

Then Rav Miller emphasizes the greatness of Rebbetzin Kaplan in her home, that she was a tzaddekes at home too, and raised 14 children.

Praising our unsung heroes (who could also be us), Rav Miller states:
"There are thousands of frum mothers and fathers who are sacrificing to raise large families...They’re being moser nefesh to build Torah families, they're raising tzadikim and tzidkoniyos in their homes. And our very important function is to always be singing their praises; it’s the principle in our parsha of [v'hitzdiku et hatzaddik]. We have to raise up the banner of the tzadikim as much as we can."

(pg. 6)

Hashem's Special Agents of Truth

Rav Miller points to the Russian agents of Communism strewn throughout America in the Reagan years. They constantly sewed propaganda in favor of Russia & against the USA.

Relentless propagandists of the dark side — ​can't we do the same for God's Side?

Instead of being agents of disinformation, says Rav Miller, we should be agents of HaKadosh Baruch, agents of Truth.
​
  • Look for good things to say about every shul you enter, every school you see, every yeshivah and whenever you're in a group of Jews.

Rav Miller nearly got swept up in the Shoah. He saw the Jews in Europe before the Shoah. The murdered korbonot are not just numbers to him. He knew them.

So despite the crowding that can occur when among a large group, Rav Miller instead rejoices in the crowding and the long lines at kosher stores Erev Shabbat.

"Look at all these Jews!" is his constant refrain. "Ken yirbu! — May they only increase!"

He recommends finding something to praise in every shul:
  • This congregation gives so much tzedakah.
  • That congregation davens with so much fervor.
  • This congregation contains such friendly people.
  • That congregation ​displays such refined behavior.

And then you go talk about it.

When you sit down to eat with your family, have something wonderful to say about your fellow Jews — ​and mean it sincerely.

Spread Hashem's Propaganda Near & Far — and Don't be Afraid to be Superficial about It 

This parsha tells us that Hashem wants us to be good salesman for Him, His Torah, and for each other.

​According to Rav Miller:
"You have to be a salesman to sell the Torah ideals to the world. Always say a good word about the Torah, about tzadikim, about the frum families. I’m not talking now about speaking to irreligious Jews — the frum Jews have to hear it; they’re the ones who have to hear these words. And what about yourself? You have to hear it too! After all, it’s yourself who’s most important. And when you speak up, you’re talking to yourself."

(pg.8)
Then Rav Miller gives some interesting advice.

He says that if you, say, go to Eretz Yisrael to see a tzaddik, then you should talk about ALL the good things about him — ​even the superficial things.

Yes, you can and should mention how careful he is in mitzvot. But you should also describe his beautiful eyes and beard, and how lovely his bekitche was.

​It's okay to be superficial when praising the good, says Rav Miller.

Yes, enthuse about the atmosphere of learning in a yeshivah.

But also talk about the organization of the books or the freshly painted walls. (if there were these things). Talk about the wonderfulness of the staff.

If there is ANYTHING good to say, no matter how superficial, then speak up!

​Our job is to fight darkness with...LIGHT.
"Aren’t the wicked doing just the opposite? The wicked are giving every desirable adjective to every wicked thing and making it beloved by the multitude — and the whole world is being being misled. The most ugly things are described today in the most glowing terms.

"So why don’t we fight back and describe the beautiful things, the holy things, in most glowing terms. We have to be propagandists for everything good in this world."

(pg. 9-10)
SO TRUE.

What is Wickedness? Who is Wicked? What is Compassionate Condemnation?

Now comes the tricky part: the last bit of Devarim 25:1.

"...v'hirshi'u et ha rasha — ​and they should condemn the wicked."

Am Yisrael must be speak up, point a finger, and say, "This is wicked!"

But WHAT is wicked exactly?

It may not be what we think.

​Rav Miller clarifies:
"Now, before we continue, I need to stress something so that we shouldn’t make any error.

​"It’s of the utmost importance to understand that when we speak now about making judgments and condemning the wicked, it means those who have forsaken the derech haTorah.

"A frum Jew is not a rasha!

"And even though he happens to be your competitor in business or he follows another rebbe who may be in competition with yours, or maybe he even wronged you in some way, that means nothing. If there’s a dispute between you and him, that’s for beis din to decide; but he’s not a rasha."
Giving the benefit of the doubt & loving our brothers and sisters are equally important mitzvot to condemning the wicked.

We also FEEL compassion toward a rasha (maybe).

Why?

Because if that person had a better upbringing or a better family or a better neighborhood, then maybe that rasha could've been a decent person. Maybe that rasha could've been better than any of us.

But he's not.

So we feel compassion, but we also act according to Truth.

"...any weakness in our attitude towards wickedness, is a weakness in our attitude towards Hakodosh Boruch Hu."

(pg. 11)

Holy Leitzanut

On pages 11-12, Rav Miller goes into deliciously sharp condemnation of liberal attitudes toward the most deplorable criminals. It's worth reading the whole thing inside.

​But he notes that the liberals, despite their self-promotion, aren't actually kind. They spew hatred and venom at anyone who disagrees with them.
"And what that means is that they function in direct contradistinction to our possuk — they spend their lives condemning the good ones and justifying the wicked."
And here are more words that are absolutely geshmak to hear in these topsy-turvy times:
"And even if we would write letters to the New York Times, they won’t print them — this I know from experience — but at least among ourselves we shouldn’t give any credit to the evolutionists or the liberals for having good intentions. They are resha’im gemurim and open liars — they are enemies of the truth."
One way to condemn the wicked is via holy leitzanut — making fun of them cleverly and l'shem Shamayim, as a way to uproot their attractiveness from our hearts so that we don't get pulled after them.

Even Yeshayahu Hanavi did it.

It can save one's soul.

And yes, Rav Miller cautioned against hurting the feelings of non-Jews and emphasized the importance of darkei shalom — ways of peace, but for ourselves to know that any anti-Torah idea "is altogether kulo sheker from beginning to end." 

Rav Miller makes the astute insight that any truth used by those in the wrong is only to give credence to their lies.

This is a brilliant insight.

Many people get confused by the dusting of truth sprinkled over all the mammoth lies.

But now we know what's going on with that and don't need to get confused anymore.

And on page 14, Rav Miller says a bunch of very sharp things that are better to read in the original, and he makes another astute insight about people we are no longer allowed to condemn, despite their actions being wholly condemned unequivocally by the Torah, and also that this behavior has led to an increase in violence, drugs, and an incurable 100% fatal disease.

And they're targeting children.

How did he know that back then living ensconced in a Torah community?

I don't know.

​But he says:
"And that’s they’re doing today — don’t think otherwise — they’re headed for your children. And you want to love them?! You want to love a snake?"

What is the Most Open Mind You Could Have?

And here is a stunning excerpt that turns everything on its head in presenting the crystalline Torah viewpoint:
"And don’t think that we’re being selfish or we’re being limited in our outlook.

"We have to know we are the ones who are broadminded.

"We are broadminded enough not to be influenced by the fads of the day. We’re proud to be close-minded!

"You know, if your mind is closed, and it’s open only to the subject of Hashem, that’s the most open mind you could have.

"But if your mind is open to anything at all, if it lets everything in, then it’s the most closed mind there is because everything settles in your thoughts. And what is the result? All kinds of sewage collect in your head, and your mind becomes just a garbage disposal, that’s all.

"An open mind is a mind of sewage."

(pg. 14-15)
I find that very liberating.

Let's take out the key point and put it in a special snippet:

"...if your mind is closed, and it’s open only to the subject of Hashem, that’s the most open mind you could have."

Geshmak. I just love it.

"I'm an Apikoris When It Comes to Art!"

On pages 15-17, Rav Miller gives very funny descriptions of the worlds of baseball, art, and music.

It's not that you can't ever play ball, paint, or whistle.

It's the whole culture & worship of it.

What's it being used for?

That's the problem.

"The world stands on the righteousness of the Jewish people; that’s a fundamental truth that is constantly reiterated in the Tanach."

So we'd better be good. Everyone is depending on us (whether they know it or not).

​And notice our good. Talk about our good.
​
  • Praise tzaddikim — ALL tzaddikim, not just your favorite tzaddik.
  • Praise frum Jews — ​ALL frum Jews, not just the group you identify with the most.
  • Downplay the outside world.
  • ​Talk about how wicked & ridiculous it is. ​

"...without Torah ideals, there can’t be true good."

Rav Miller declares that Devarim 25:1 is fundamental for fulfilling our purpose in this world.

Then he quotes Rabbeinu Yonah:
"...by doing this, by merely preparing your thoughts and using your words for the cause of praising the true good in this word, then without any effort and work of your hand, you will acquire merits without end, because this is one of the most important purposes of the creation of man.”
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Credit for all quotes goes solely to Toras Avigdor, may they be blessed with increasing success & bracha.
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