Category: Love

In Memory of Ari Fuld of Blessed Memory

17/9/2018

I wanted to speak a bit about Ari Fuld, who was horrifically murdered in Gush Etzion yesterday during these 10 Days of Teshuvah.

Despite Ari Fuld's deadly injuries, he fought back NOT just to save himself, but to save other people from being murdered by that evil terrorist.

It seems that his courage and determination came from love.

It's an amazing act of ahavat Yisrael to pursue a terrorist while he himself suffers a fatal wound.

My husband saw Ari Fuld weekly, as Ari Fuld passed through my husband's place of work. Their relationship consisted of exchanging "Shalom-shalom!" because Ari Fuld acknowledge and greeted every Jew, even if he didn't know them. My husband said that Ari Fuld always had a smile for everyone, was a great ohev Yisrael, and whole-heartedly encouraged his fellow Jews to make aliyah.

My husband said that even without knowing him well at all, he always sensed something special and admirable about Ari Fuld, emphasizing that his ahavat Yisrael really shined through even in such brief interactions.

Some people greet you to be polite or admired, while some people greet you because they truly feel connected to you at the soul level.

Ari Fuld died al kiddush Hashem and has likely merited a very beautiful chelek in Olam Haba. May we all become fully Torah Jews, internalizing Torah principles in our heart and always listen to our yetzer hatov while blocking out the voice of our yetzer hara, and need not the death of our truly good and special individuals as a kaparah for our sins.

Saying mishnayot and Tehillim is good at this time.

There is also a fund to provide for Ari Fuld's family here (H/T Shirat Devorah):
www.gofundme.com/ari-fuld

May the fact that so much money was raised with such good will by so many caring and alacritous Jews in such a short amount of time be a zechut for Am Yisrael in our time of Judgement.

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How to Exchange Light with Your Fellow Jew

10/8/2018

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In the book of Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender's lectures, Words of Faith, he refers to the importance of giving and receiving "light" to and from other people.

In fact, he says this is one of the key reasons for interacting with other people:
to receive their light and to shine your own light on them.

And the way to do this is by doing 2 things:

focus on their good points and allow them to focus on your good points
speak in fear of Heaven

On page 376, Vol I, Rav Bender quotes Rebbe Nachman from Likutei Moharan:

The entire matter of talking with friends is as the Rebbe writes in Lesson 34:

"Each person should speak to his friend in fear of Heaven. In order to receive inspiration from his friend's special point that he doesn't have...This point is the aspect of 'Tzaddik' relative to his friend. It shines to the other's heart."

Rav Bender goes on to explain:

This is the whole point of speaking among friends:

To unearth and illuminate your friend's unique good points.

And to shine to him from your special point.

But not more than this...For there is no one around now who has the power to hear another's secrets without causing him to feel down.

It can make him discouraged. The benefit is outweighed by the loss.

I don't claim to fully understand this concept, but I feel I've experienced it.

Many times, I've been impressed or touched by another person.

It doesn't matter that the person isn't a tzaddik--or maybe the person is even far from being a tzaddik. There is still something about them that touches you. Even as you see their negative behaviors and the mistakes they make, there's some aspect of sympathy due to their good points.

Probably you've experienced a similar dynamic with people with whom you've interacted.

And this also explains a lot about our close family relationships.

With children, for example, we see their not-so-great traits and even feel driven nuts by them at times, yet at the same time, we feel like they're so special and we really believe in their potential and their future.

Their light shines on us as parents.

And I think this explains another dynamic, a negative one.

Light-Blockers

People who are arrogant, narcissistic, feel superior to others instinctively want to shine out their own light without receiving light from others.

Yet how can they shine light on you in the right amounts and best quality when they refuse to absorb light from others?

Their refusal to receive affects the amount and quality of their own light, making it weaker than it should be.

And I think this may be why it feels so dehumanizing to be around them. They start blinding you with their own light (which is of limited size and quality), yet when your light starts to shine out on them, it's like they throw up a shield to block you.

So it's as if they're the only source of light while you're reduced to just a dark blob of tohu.

Yet it's not true. You're not just some lightless blob.

You've got beautiful light of your own!

The exchange of light needs to happen for both your sakes.

How Might the Exchange of Light Work?

Perhaps it can be understood as a metaphor.

Let's say you possess a beautiful yellow light. Then you meet someone with a beautiful blue light.

When you shine your light on each other and the exchange occurs, then you absorb their blue light, which also creates a green light (yellow+blue=green).

Also, your light increases due to the influence of the other's light.

So the next person you encounter gains from your previous exchange because not only do you have your own yellow light to shine on them, but you have some of the blue light absorbed from the previous exchange, plus some green light created by that exchange.

And you also further gain from whatever light that person has to offer.

So in order for the exchange to occur properly, you must be ready to receive and not only give.

The Power of Receiving Light

Real talmidei chachamim spend large parts of their lives absorbing the light of Torah as they sit in front of a Gemara to learn and learn.

Actually, any Torah you learn sculpts you into a receptacle of the best-quality light and however much you internalize it, all the better (even if you aren't tzaddik or gadol).

As humble scholars, they absorb the light of Rashi, of Rebbe Akivah, of Moshe Rabbeinu, and many more.

As humble people, they receive the light of those they meet and possess tremendous light to shine on others.

True Story #1
For example, my husband and I went for an energy treatment from a frum man who could also see auras. He explained how he'd been trying to heal a problem he spotted in his daughter's aura, but wasn't able.

Yet upon attending a Torah shiur by a genuine talmid chacham, either Rav Elyashiv or Rav Ganz (he couldn't remember which), he noticed a beautiful golden light emanating from the rav during the shiur. As the shiur continued, the frum man watched as this beautiful golden light expanded up and out from the rav, expanding further until it enveloped all those present.

When the shiur ended, this man still felt the effects of this golden aura and upon arriving home, he decided to try healing his daughter's aura again. This time, he was successful.

But he attributes this healing to the light he received from the great talmid chacham, and not his own abilities.

True Story #2
I can't see auras at all, but even before I knew anything about auras, I remember sitting in a rebbetzin's class and sensing an energy from her that expanded up and then settled back on her when she finished the class. And not just one time either, but most times I sat in her class. I was also very influenced by her; she has had a profound impact on my hashkafah. She's one of the more popular teachers out there, and many people find it very easy to stay present and not daydream during her classes, which are never boring. She's a very learned person and when she teaches, she's absorbed in the Torah sources & concepts.

I think she's giving out a certain energy without even realizing it.

True Story #3
Finally, I noticed that sitting with other mothers in the park as a group was not so enjoyable for me. Something always felt "off," even though everyone was very nice.

But when I sat with any woman one-on-one and the conversation took a more spiritual turn, then I always felt a profound influence and connection from her.

For example, I found myself sitting on a bench next to a well-off woman who obviously invested a lot in her appearance and her home decor. We were chatting small talk and then I accidentally mentioned how bad I felt about myself compared to other people, based on things others had said to me.

Immediately, I regretted having made myself vulnerable in such a way, especially to such a "perfect" lady. Why couldn't I restrain myself better?

Yet she turned to face me and looked deeply into my eyes, and started giving me chizuk by explaining that such people were like balloons of air that deflate with the smallest prick of a pin, and therefore, I need not take their "insights" to heart.

She backed up her words by quoting Mishlei (Proverbs). This happened over a decade ago, but I still remember it because she spoke from her heart to my heart.

Most of all, I remember how I felt like I'd been rebuilt because of her heartfelt caring, even though we barely knew each other. It was true chizuk (strengthening) because I indeed felt like a crumbling building that had suddenly become fortified by her words and her concern.

I really feel the truth of Rav Bender's words: When you talk with another Jew in words of Torah and chizuk (and neither of you needs to be a talmid chacham or a tzaddik at all!), you truly absorb their light.

Let God Facilitate the Exchange of Light

As far as I can tell, the exchange of light needs to flow without too much meddling.

Meaning, you can't decide what kind of light the other person needs. You can't decide that what you're giving them is light (maybe you think it's lovely light but they receive it as eviscerating fire) or that it's the type of light they need. That's up to Hashem.

(Like maybe you've got red and blue light to give and they need your red light because they've already got tons of blue light, but you in your great ego believe that they need your blue light -- metaphorically speaking, of course. Either way, you need to allow the exchange to happen without meddling with it too much.)

And I think that it's not enough to just see the good point; you need to admire it in order to absorb its light.

Meaning, it's not enough to feel a half-hearted, "Oh, she's nothing special and not so smart, but at least she's okay with her kids."

It's better to really look at how dedicated she is to her kids (even if she's still impatient or fed-up at times), and really admire how much she's willing to stretch herself for their sakes.

Even if you're overall better than another person, perhaps they contain a facet that outshines one of your facets in the same area.

For example, I knew someone who emoted a lot and loudly, which wore out others, yet she was an incredible baalat chessed and performed the chessed in a purposeful wholehearted manner.

So maybe you're calmer and more considerate of others than she, but you can also admire how she's willing to frequently babysit the difficult children of a mentally ill mother during their parents' divorce -- a chessed you admire, but maybe aren't able to take on yourself.

Conclusion

Anyway, this is just my conjecturing.

Of course, the core concept of possessing "light" and the necessity to both shine light on others and be shined upon by others -- that's from Rav Bender. That's a fact.

However, the conjecturing and metaphors of how that all might work is just based on my own stuff, like what I've read and observed as described above.

So I'll leave you with Rav Bender's words from page 377:

It is possible to relate to everyone equally without giving precedence.

Because they each have a special point.

There is no reason to know about the bad. If so -- all are equal.

It is possible to love and honor every Jew. The benefit from this is tremendous.

Even when it's hard to do, it's definitely the right goal.

And whatever progress you can make in this direction is very precious.

Related post:
Human Interaction & The Secret of Light

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How to Really Love Another Person

7/8/2018

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As usual, it's important to pay attention to the words of a true tzaddik. They say things we find familiar, but with a deeper twist then what we're used to hearing.

For example, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender (one of the leaders of Breslov Chassidus in the previous generation, who displayed mind-boggling self-sacrifice for Jews of all stripes) discusses a well-known idea from Likutei Moharan 292: "Di velt ker zich farvundering oif di ahavah vus is da tsuvishen meina mentchen - The world will be astonished over the love among my people." [Words of Faith, Vol. I, pgs. 382-383]

(Note: I am not a Breslover or chassidish at all, just a big admirer and beneficiary of Breslov ideology.)

Certainly, among Breslovers who've truly managed to internalize the principles of Breslov, this love is true. Their genuine appreciation of each other and lack of envy or competition is beautiful to see.

But then Rav Bender adds:

"This matter comes to actuality only when one does not know in detail what is happening by another.

He just strengthens and fortifies his friend and not more."

See? In 2 sentences, Rav Bender just explained how to achieve this great love.

And it's the opposite of what I once would've assumed.

How to Avoid "Killing" Your Friend

This blog has already featured several posts discussing Rav Bender's view on true friendship and how to really help any friend.

Although deeply sympathetic toward the impulse to pour one's heart out to another, Rav Bender opposed this indulgence mostly out of concern for the outpourer.

He felt that hardly anyone today is able to properly hear and respond to such an outpouring, and could even harm the outpourer, who is already in pain and has now made himself even more vulnerable.

He cautions against showing a person any kind of distancing - something which could instinctively occur on the part of listener if they unexpectedly hear something that they aren't sure how to handle.

As Rav Bender stresses on page 384:

"For at times, it is possible to kill someone through a sign of wrath, anger, or insult."

And if you've ever had someone respond to you all wrong after you've made yourself vulnerable, then you know exactly what he means "to kill someone" with the wrong response.

(People usually don't mean to respond badly, but simply don't realize the harm of their response. They mean even think they're giving you what you need, telling you the "truth" about yourself, and simply laying all the cards on the table, etc.)

Don't Dig for Defects

Rav Bender discourages us from inquiring after another's iniquities and defects, referring to it as "digging" for another's wound, which paints the off-putting picture of picking at a scab. Or a parasite searching for a wound to leech off of.

He receives this guidance from several sources (Words of Faith, Vol I, pgs. 371-374):

"The Gemara calls one who publicizes his sins 'brazen': 'I consider brazen the one who declares his sins.' This is learned from the verse: 'Fortunate is one who covers his sin'." (Tehillim 32:1)

"The Tana says in a mishnah in Avos: 'Do not strive to see someone at the time of his downfall.' [Avot 4:23] This is a directive for each individual."

"It is brought in the holy Zohar that one who merits to be judged by Hakadosh Baruch Hu Himself comes out innocent in court." [Zohar Pinchas 231a, 309a]

Yet who merits to be judged by Hashem Himself?

"One who confesses before Hashem Yisbarach.

One who tells before Him his whole heart and all that passes over him, including his sins.

And - as understood - from amidst deep regret.

Such a person merits to the fortune that his judge is Hakadosh Baruch Hu: the Merciful Father Himself."

[Words of Faith, Vol I, pg. 372]

Using Tanach as his guide, Rav Bender (pg. 372) gleans positive advice to encourage others from Yeshayahu 41:6:

"Man shall help his comrade and say to his brother: 'Chazak! - Be strong!' "

Contrary to pop psychology today, Rav Bender saw the best way to help others was to focus on their good points without digging for their defects and to allow oneself to be influenced by another's good points, describing it as "shining light" on one another. He believed in the importance of giving others chizuk, fortifying them emotionally and offering encouragement and support.

But not to "dig" for "wounds."

Not to go sniffing around for the defects and sins of others.

Heart-to-Heart Boundaries

As I've written here before, this was a big smack between the eyes for me because I used to LOVE those late-night heart-to-heart bonding talks with a good friend. So geshmak!

And I thought a truly caring person listened to others' outpourings. (Okay, yes, you can listen to others. Rav Bender gives examples of doing so. But without probing deeper, just listening. And even then, the listening/outpouring needs healthy boundaries so that you don't accidentally "kill" the other person.)

Yet even before I read the above, Hashem already started to show me the downside of pouring out one's heart too much to another person. I just didn't realize what I was seeing and experiencing until I read the above. Until I read Rav Bender's explanation, I didn't have a way to frame my experiences.

Having said all that, it's admittedly very difficult at times to pour your heart out to Hashem and not another person. You simply crave the interaction with another person, hoping for the tangible comfort it can bring.

And sometimes you do feel so much better, but sometimes you feel worse.

And even the feeling of being absolved and comforted is deceptive because only Hashem can absolve and cleanse you.

So yes, there is room for confiding in others, but with beneficial boundaries in place.

Do's & Don'ts

So to sum up (including Rav Bender advice mentioned in previous posts):

Don'ts:

Try not to see another's defects, sins, or bad points.
Don't "dig" for another's sins and defects. Don't probe.
Don't pour out your heart to others; don't make another person into your confessor.
While it's a big mitzvah to prevent another from sinning, if you can't stop them, then at least try to not see them in their moment of downfall.
Don't show any kind of distancing (rejection).

(I think that means in the heat of the moment of outpouring, because while Rav Bender and other tzaddikim allowed sinners to daven in their shul, they didn't associate with them; in other words, they did display a certain distance without rejecting them outright. So I think he means that when someone gushes his issues to you, try your best not to look taken aback or horrified or run off.)

Note: Keeping your indiscretions & defects private isn't the same as acting like a big fake.

You know you're flawed; you don't pretend you're a big tzaddik.

But you just don't have to flesh it all out for everyone to see, hear, and smell in all its gory detail.

That's all.

Do's:

Tell everything to Hashem. EVERYTHING, no matter how shameful or icky.
Pour out your flaws, sins, defects, mistakes, bumbles to Hashem because this makes Him into your personal Judge and ensures a verdict of innocence in the spiritual court.
It's really good to talk to the right kind of person (AKA sichat chaverim), but keep in mind that you're looking for chizuk and cheering-up from that person, and not much more than that.
Encourage your friend with soul-restoring words.
Give good chizuk.
Try to cheer up and uplift your friend.
Provide encouraging words.
Engage in words of Torah.
Help your friend practically, if possible (maybe doing practical favors, like loans or babysitting).
Seek his or her good points.
Allow the other person to shine their soul-light on you.

May Hashem help us all do the right thing at all times.

Related posts:
The Honesty Deception
A Tzaddik's Example: Listen, Empathize, Encourage
2 Examples of Unforeseeable Personality Transformation

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When Giving Results in Receiving: A Love Story

25/7/2018

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During an overlong stay in the USA, I ended up at the public library, desperate for some kosher reading to combat my mind-gnawing boredom.

I came across a book whose title and author I no longer remember, but the true story always stayed with me.

The author described her experience as an obese young woman who weighed over 300 pounds. Feeling unable to lose the weight, this young woman did not even have the conventionally pretty face and attractive hair some overweight women have.

Because of all this, she felt certain that love and marriage could never be an option for her. But being a naturally warm and nurturing person, she invested all her love and caring in the babies she was responsible for as a nurse in the maternity section of her local hospital.

She made peace with her life as she saw it, that she would never marry and have children of her own. Thus, she completely removed any thought of romance or love from her mind.

Though she could have put herself in the category of a have-not, she decided to become a giver instead.

(What's the difference? I suppose it's a matter of focus and direction...)

That same hospital also employed a young male pediatrician of average build and a warm engaging personality. For the sake of the babies, they ended up working together quite a lot and developed professional appreciation for the dedication and caring they saw in each other.

This flowed out into catching a cup of coffee together after work to discuss events that occurred during the day. Sometimes, he stopped by her house and they sat on her front porch together for a chat.

Grateful for a dedicated like-minded friend and co-worker, she enjoyed the friendship in a completely platonic manner.

One night as they sat chatting on her front porch, the doctor suddenly asked her to marry him.

Her heart stopped. "What?" she said, sure she couldn't have heard him right, yet also knowing that he wasn't cruel enough to joke like that.

He again asked her to marry him.

Wide-eyed, she turned to him in shock and said something like, "But I'm so obese! You're normal and you deserve a normal-sized woman! I'm just so obese."

And then he replied with something like, "That's because you need a body big enough to hold that huge heart you have."

They got married and ended up having a couple of kids of their own (even though I think that proved dangerous because of her girth). So they decided to adopt unwanted children, and ended up adopting over 30 children of all different races, many of whom had some form or Downs syndrome or other disabilities.

And at some point, she lost all that excess weight, but the book wasn't about that, so I don't know how she did it. She just mentioned it as a postscript at the end.

Anyway, the above encounter always stayed with me because it was a compelling example of how you don't need to go tearing after things or letting resentments and self-pity pile up in your head.

All she did was just decide to empty what she really wanted (marriage and children) from her mind and heart, and then just focus on being a really good person and giving love where it was needed in order to find meaning in her life.

And then Hashem brought her husband to her doorstep without any effort or angst on her part.

And together, they ended up being a force of good in the world.

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Pele Yoetz: Always End on a Note of Hope

4/7/2018

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A big lesson to learn from Rav Eliezer Papo's masterpiece, Pele Yoetz, is the way he ends every chapter.

While he interlaces encouragement and positive words within each chapter, some also contain dire warnings and stern rebuke. Nonetheless, he never leaves us without reassurance, encouragement, and hope.

Rav Papo maintained a firm belief in our power to rise above our addictions, bad habits, false beliefs, and our yetzer hara in any form.

Affirming Our Innate Goodness & Ability

For example, at the end of the chapter on Young Men/Bachur (you can imagine all the dire things he mentions in such a chapter), Rav Papo ends with:

"And behold, God stands over him [as a Protector]; He will be with him in assistance because one who comes to purify himself earns Heavenly assistance."

The chapter called Rebuke/Gaarah concludes as follows:

"The voice of fools in rebuke 'they are a vanity, an act of delusion' [Yirmiyahu 10:15] to those who hear them, confusing them and confounding them. But the words of the wise which are heard in pleasantness are sweet and accepted by their listeners."

He ends the chapter entitled Speech/Dibur, a chapter full of exhortations and prohibitions, with the following:

"To you, gentlemen, I call: Brothers and friends, I'm very pained on your behalf, on behalf of this sin that is to your detriment and the evil that stands before you, chas v'shalom. And even more than that, how great is my pain on behalf of the pain of our Father in Heaven who waits to bestow favor upon us...and please, exchange bad for good! Gather in the place of a Torah scholar or a learned person to hear learning...and acquire paths of life and lofty attributes."

Rav Papo ends the chapter Rising Early/Haskamah with characteristic optimism and holy cheerleading:

"With his heart, he will understand and with his ears, he will hear, and as he shall repent, Hashem will heal him."

Go, team Am Yisrael, go!

Rav Papo ends General Principles: Part I/Klalot Alef with:

"All that is in his power to accomplish, he should do and all that a man desires, he should do. Only the beginning will be difficult. And in doing so, a person will become desirable and Hashem will be for him as a shelter. And a vision of the Almighty he shall see.

And this is enough for whoever possesses a good heart."

The end of Afternoon Prayer/Mincha:

"...only the beginnings are difficult because afterwards, it will be sweet for him and it shall be as a delightful fragrance for him, and worthy of blessing and contentment is he in This World and it's good for him in the World to Come."

So we see that it's important to end on a positive, reassuring, and encouraging note:
Yes, sinning is terrible and Gehinnom is just awful -- but if you just try your best to do the right thing, then God will help you out, He'll stand by your side all the way, and things will ultimately end up wonderfully!

Judging Wonky Jews Favorably

Rav Papo also finds excuses for the errant, a way to judge them favorably and with understanding, even as he rebukes the wonky behavior, like in the chapter on Speech/Dibur:

"Come and see how the enemy [yetzer hara] has overpowered people so much so that when brothers sit together, and they have nothing new to say, one starts saying, 'The cold today is good, the heat today is good, the rain is good, the snow is good,' and such things that are obvious to all -- simply because their yetzer agitates within them and they're embarrassed to sit in silence."

See? Rav Papo blames the inane behavior on the yetzer hara, emphasizing the great strength of the yetzer hara, which implies that these people are good and want to do the right thing, but have simply collapsed under the weight of their yetzer hara. Also, he acknowledges the very real embarrassment people tend to struggle with in such situations.

(Then Rav Papo explains how to get up and fight the yetzer hara.)

You can just imagine what Rav Papo has to say in his chapter on Illicit Acts/Znut, but even after he mentions some pretty reprehensible acts, he never stops judging favorably:

"And this comes from a lack of awareness of the great severity of the act, or due to bad friends who trick them into it..."

In other instances, Rav Papo inserts a plea for Hashem to atone for their sins, as in the chapter entitled Judges & Officers/Shoftim v'Shotrim:

"Woe to it, to a generation that such a thing has risen in its days, that there are large cities in in the cities of Edom [Europe] that host hundreds of thousands of Jews and the Torah is forgotten from among them, and they only conduct cases in the jurisdiction of non-Jews and it's done as if permissible -- May God Who is Good atone for them."

Ken yehi ratzon!

Bringing It All Home

So I learned 2 important lessons from the entire Pele Yoetz:

It's essential it is to find merits and judge favorably even as you're discussing what's wrong with society or as you're attempting to correct someone's behavior.

It's important to always end on a note of hope and sincere belief in the person's innate goodness and ability to improve and do teshuvah.

I think it's also a guide for when hearing rebuke from others, to know what level the critic is really on and where their criticism is really coming from. If they can't see the good in you, if they can't see that you're not evil or stupid but just stuck or uninformed, if they don't believe that you have the ability to change for the better, well, then...you sure aren't hearing rebuke from a tzaddik.

Rav Eliezer Papo willing underwent a prolonged and agonizing death for his community, then left a legacy to assist and encourage us forevermore.

We can trust that his attitude and approach are the real deal.

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The Easily Distracted Inconsistent Bumbler's Guide to Serving Hashem

12/6/2018

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Sometimes, I find it very easy to sit down and talk to Hashem.

If I have a pressing or embarrassing problem, it's easier for things to pour out than when I have my routine problems. (Although not always. If there's a lot fear involved, I find it very difficult.)

But then there's also the issue of concentration.

I was a dreamy child who never completely lost that tendency to tune out and start daydreaming about other things. This is sort of embarrassing when talking to the Creator of the Universe and my mind starts wandering, only for me to come around half-an-hour later and wonder where all the time went.

However, this only proves Hashem's Tremendous Compassion and Love.

Can you imagine standing before a human world leader and as you explain your petition, your face suddenly goes slack as you start to daydream standing before him or you suddenly start rambling to yourself about totally unrelated fluff?

That would be really weird.

But Hashem is okay with it as long as you're trying. He never expects you to be perfect.

It just goes to show how far I really am from real cognizance of Who Hashem really is.

But it's also a sign of how comfortable I feel with Him because at least there's recognition that He is so Forgiving and Understanding and Patient.

But how to re-orient myself?

And what about those days where it just doesn't seem to go?

To be perfectly upfront, I don't manage to do it some days, maybe just a few minutes at most. Sometimes I only manage a really geshmak talk with Hashem only on Shabbat.

So how do I get myself back on track, whether it's reining in a flighty mind or finding the quiet mental space to do it or getting back in the habit?

Well, I find that Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender's advice works best.

What Would You Say If...?

First of all, Rav Bender (and Rebbe Nachman and Rebbe Nosson) reassure us that yes, sometimes communing with Hashem will feel "dry." Frustrating & disappointing, yet true.

However, it's still a powerful act that reaps major reward and blessing even though you won't sense the reward and blessing at all in those "dry" phases. The "dry" talks also have an accumulative effect, meaning that they add up and often produce a welcome break-through later on.

So that's good to keep in mind when the relationship just feels dry and drab.

Secondly, Rav Bender encourages us to talk to Hashem as we would speak to a true best friend (Words of Faith, page 477):

This confession we do daily during hitbodedut should be like one who speaks to a faithful beloved friend, one who will certainly accept your words, forgive, and continue to do you good.

A "faithful, beloved friend."

Think about that for a minute.

What is a faithful, beloved friend?

One who CERTAINLY accepts your words -- no cynicism or put-downs, just all-embracing.
One who forgives you -- as simple as that. No grudges or distrust.
One who continues to do you good -- Complete forgiveness and good will. Love Warmth. Affection.

This is Hashem, the Best Friend you'll ever have.

How to Bumble Your Way to Self-Improvement

So sometimes I think to myself, "If a really good friend of mine were to call me right now, what would I say to her?" After all, I'm unlikely to tell a really good beloved friend that I have nothing to say to her, so we'll talk another time. Right? So I think of what I might say to her and then start saying it to Hashem.

Other times, I just say, "Okay, Hashem. You're my One True Good Friend" and then I start talking to him from there.

Recently, I heard of a tzaddik who always started off talking to Hashem by saying "Hakadosh Baruch Hu, Yitbarach Shimcha" -- "The Holy One Blessed Be He, Blessed is Your Name" -- and this is a great way to orient yourself. It's very important to praise Hashem before you say anything else, so whether you're giving God a thumbs-up and saying "You, my One True BFF" or "Hakadosh Baruch Hu, Yitbarach Shimcha," it's really good.

And although Rav Bender idealizes talking to Hashem for hours all day long, he still heaps praises on the act of talking to Hashem for only 5 minutes.

Anything you can do is very powerful and affects both you and the whole world positively.

My Life: The Garden of Bumbling

It's always embarrassing to use myself as an example because I don't do this as I should, I don't have any impressive accomplishments, and so on.

(And I have no 6-8 hours hitbodedut marathons to speak of, but I'm still hoping...)

There are other people who are doing things much better and you have a lot more to learn from them.

However, I did want to give encouragement to any other people who also tend to bumble through lofty spiritual acts or get distracted easily or aren't consistent, or whatever flaws you're struggling against.

It's okay to bumble!

Despite everything, I still feel like I've gained a tremendous amount from my clumsy, bumbling, inconsistent efforts.

So please don't be discouraged by whatever character flaws or obstacles or embarrassing tendencies you may have.

As a fellow bumbler, I'm telling you that it's very, very worth it. You still get things out of it that you'd never imagine otherwise.

Seriously.

Hashem really is your Forgiving, Understanding, Warm, Generous, Loving Best Friend.

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A Prayer of Thanks to the Creator of the World

7/6/2018

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There is a special prayer of gratitude I've seen printed up and it gets passed out on laminated cards at bar mitzvahs and the like. Maybe you've even received one yourself.

I'm not sure who originally composed it, but it's written out as a personal outpouring to Hashem.

And while I intellectually know that it's essential to thank Hashem for the good as well as the bad, I sometimes find this difficult or agonizing if I'm going through a particularly painful time.

So reading this little card helps me out in those times when I don't have much heart to say the words on my own.

Also, because it's not a formal, institutionalized prayer, I believe you can feel free to say only parts of it, or just the first line or just the last line, or whatever you can manage. You can also add your own thoughts to it.

For example, there's a line that reads:
Creator of the World, I request forgiveness from the bottom of my heart if there were times I did not appreciate what You've given me and instead of saying "thank You," I only complained.

Well, speaking for myself, there's no IF. I definitely did not appreciate what Hashem was giving me and instead of saying thank You, I indeed complained and only complained. (Actually, it was more than complaining. It included tears of frustration & despair, caterwauling, accusations, and so on.) And it happened many times.

Just being honest.

So I can change that to read:
Borei Olam, I request forgiveness from the bottom of my heart for ALL the times I did not appreciate what You've given me and instead of saying "thank You," I only complained and in general responded with seething bitterness, resentment, rage, and self-pity.

The main thing is your heart and your honesty.

Also, I've translated the prayer into English. But personally, I prefer saying "koach" instead of "strength" and "Melech malchei hamelachim" instead of "King of kings of kings" (sounds weird in English, right?) and "Ribbono shel Olam" or "Adon Olam" instead of "Master of the World," and so on. So also feel free to mix in whatever languages best express yourself.

The main thing to keep in mind is this:
The happy fact about expressing gratitude to God is that ANY expression of gratitude, no matter how miniscule or half-hearted, is actually very powerful (even if we cannot perceive its effect).

A Prayer of Thanks to the Creator of the World

King of kings of kings, The Holy One Blessed Be He, Master of the World -- thank You.
Thank you that I am standing here and thanking you.
And anything that I can possibly say to You is nothing in light of how much I truly need to thank You.
And so, I need to thank You for everything.
Thank You for everything in the universe.
Thank You for the many thousands of times You've helped me, supported me, saved me, rescued me, made me happy, healed me, protected me, encouraged me...
Thank You for always being with me.
Thank You for giving me the strength to fulfill mitzvot, the strength to do good deeds, and the strength to pray.
Thank You for all the times You helped me when I didn't know to say thank You.
Thank You for all the kindnesses You do for me each and every moment.
Thank You for each and every breath I take.
And thank You, Melech malchei hamelachim, also for all the things I don't have.
Thank You that it's hard for me at times.
Thank You for the times that are a bit sad for me too because everything is for my good. And even though I don't always see it as for my benefit, deep in my heart, I know that everything comes from You with grace and loving-kindness and tremendous compassion and it is the very best thing for me and is performed especially for me with precise and perfect hashgacha pratit (personal supervision), as only a Melech malchei hamelachim can do.
Thank You that it's sometimes difficult for me because only in that way can I know how to appreciate the good; only after we find ourselves in darkness is it possible to appreciate the light.
Thank You for the wonderful life You've given me.
Thank You for every miniscule thing I have because everything I have has been given to me by You, and not by anyone else.
Thank You for always listening to my prayers.
Creator of the World, I request forgiveness from the bottom of my heart if there were times I did not appreciate what You've given me and instead of saying "thank You," I only complained.
I am dust and ashes, and You are the entire universe.
Please, never distance Yourself from me.

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Knocked Down Off Your Feet Yet Again? What You & Mashiach Have in Common

6/6/2018

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In Rav Ofer Erez's phenomenal book Ahavat Kedumim, a commentary on Rebbe Nachman's story of The Lost Princess, the following appears on page 227:

It is written in the Gemara Sanhedrin that Mashiach is called "Bar Nafli."

What is the meaning of "Bar Nafli"?

The meaning is ben nefilot [a son of repeated falls], one who falls.

That's what they call Mashiach.

The commentators ask: Why do the call him Ben Nefilot [a son of repeated falls]? What kind of a name are they giving Mashiach?

One of the great mekubalim wrote a book called Pitchei Shaarim. And there he explains that Mashiach is called Bar Nafli because he constantly wants to bring the Redemption, and The Holy One Blessed Be He casts him down and says to him:
"The time has not yet come. There is still a Jew who has not yet merited."

The Holy One Blessed Be He sent Mashiach to the entrance of Rome. And there, Mashich undergoes very great falls. He constantly wants to bring the Redemption, but The Holy One Blessed Be He doesn't let him.

The Holy One Blessed Be He is waiting for every single Jew to return to Him out of love in order to fulfill [Shmuel II 14:14] "he that is banished may not be banished from Him."

The tikkun is to transform the animal soul to a Godly soul via the powers of emotion emanating from the human spirit.

Note #1: "Rome" is an allegorical reference to Western culture today, the societies that originated in Europe -- such as North America, Europe, Scandinavia, and the European-based societies of Africa and Oceania.

Note #2:The Hebrew word used above is mapil (מפיל). It literally means "cause to fall" and is often translated as "casts down" or "pushes down" or "knocks down."
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A lot of people feel rejected by God.

A lot of people feel like no matter how hard they try and no matter how hard they want things that are actually GOOD to want, God not only blocks them; He actively pushes them back or knocks them off their feet.

Yet the Gemara clearly tells us that this forced falling-down is a classic aspect of Mashiach!

Mashiach is going through the exact same experience as you.

I don't know all the reasons why or the deep mystical significance of the whole dynamic (other than that mentioned above: Hashem is braking the Geula process out of His Great Love for each individual Jew, especially the ones who aren't anywhere near teshuvah yet).

But it makes me wonder whether these same people who are feeling so rejected and knocked completely off balance are davka the people with the biggest, brightest spark of Mashiach within them.

After all, another Gemara also tells us that this is an upside-down world:
Those who look great and prominent in This World are quite small in the Next.
And those who seem insignificant and small here are actually quite great and prominent in the Next World.

A candle flame isn't particularly bright or powerful. But in a corner of pure darkness, its light is significant.

Yet from a distance, its light is unnoticeable.

You can only perceive a candle's light when standing nearby.

Note: The above insights apply to the part of the story in which the princess-seeking viceroy meets the giants in the wilderness, and after much struggle and frustration, is finally informed by a latecoming wind that its delay occurred when needing to deposit the sought-after princess in a Pearl Fortress on a Mountain of Gold. And as always, this is my own translation which means that any errors are also mine.

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What is the Heart's Nusach?

16/5/2018

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*If you'd like to know what "nusach" means, please see HERE. This post simplified it to 2 basic nusachs, but there are several more.
_____________

At a Tehillim/Psalms gathering for women I attended in the US, the woman leading the Tehillim-recital was a Yemenite-Israeli woman who taught at an Ashkenazi school (that accepted all Jews as long as they were frum) and was married to a yeshivish Askenazi.

This meant that she was competent in both ways of Hebrew pronunciation.

She lead the Tehillim in a pleasant sing-song and most charmingly of all, she was so into the davening that the words flowed out in whatever pronunciation naturally flowed forth.

This means that she said: "Shir Hama'alois" -- with the second "a" pronounced as the classic Yemenite guttural "ayin," followed by "ois" instead of "ot."

It was obvious that she had no idea she was mixing nusachs.

It was delicious. Here was Am Echad in one person.

Communicating in the "Right" Nusach

Now, I realize that sticklers for nusach will bristle about the importance of staying within one nusach for davening.

And that is important for formal davening.

But if you're equally comfortable in both, then when immersing yourself in the uplifting heart of Tehillim, both might flow forth naturally. And really, it's better to just immerse yourself in your love of Hashem than to hold yourself back and get caught up in the technicalities of consistent pronunciation.

For me, sometimes "Shabbos" is easier to say than "Shabbat." Especially if I want to describe something as "Shabbosy." "Shabbaty" just doesn't feel the same.

I still find "tsnius" (modesty) more comfortable to say than "tsnee-OOT" because "tsnius" is how I first learned the word.

But all that depends who I'm talking to because it's important to say things in the way most comfortable for the other person.

Likewise, when speaking with a Chassidish Yerushalmi friend, I try to greet her with "Gut Shabbos," even if she's greeting me with "Shabbat Shalom."

In fact, my Chassidish neighbors always use Sefardi pronunciation when speaking to me and other Sefardi neighbors. They also smoothly turn the conversation from Yiddish to Hebrew if a non-Yiddish-speaker arrives, including when they address each other (which they normally would in Yiddish) in front of the non-Yiddish-speaker.

It's all just a friendly way of respecting one's fellow.

When my children first started attending a Sefardi school, the Moroccan ganenet used to wave to me out the window of the van, calling out, "Gut Shabbos!" as they sped by on Friday afternoons.

She didn't need to do that because despite my Ashkenazi ethnicity and American nationality, I'm not frum from birth (i.e., I didn't grow up with "Gut Shabbos!") and I'm married to a Moroccan who davens in a Sefardi synagogue, and we happily send our children to a Sefardi school and I am quite comfortable with "Shabbat Shalom!" and general Sefardi pronunciation.

But in her experience, Ashkenazi Americans say "Gut Shabbos!" and she wanted me to feel comfortable and accepted.

Very nice!

As always, it's the heart that counts.

Language Foibles from the Heart

When my husband and I are were temporarily rabbi and rebbetzin (or is it rabbanit?), one of our congregants was this lovely 90-year-old lady named Shayna. (She attended our Sefardi synagogue because it was within walking distance and I'm not sure that she was aware of the differences. To her, it was a kosher synagogue with a mechitza and an Orthodox rabbi, and that's all that mattered.)

During Sukkot, she would come up to me to wish me a good year among other good things, and she did so in Yiddish. I only got the gist of her exact words ("a gut yahr!"), but I remember the feeling of warmth and pleasure that soaked through me as she leaned her smiling wizened face toward me with her wrinkled hand on my arm and spoke to me from her heart.

In Shayna's experience, frum people bless each other in Yiddish. So it never occurred to her that she shouldn't speak to me in Yiddish, especially since I was the rebbetzin -- no matter that I came from a secular English-only background (which she didn't know about) and that I was married to a Moroccan-Israeli and that we were standing in a Sefardi synagogue.

And I loved her for it.

Conversely, if you are in Israel and you greet your Sefardi neighbor with "Gut Shabbos", she might get offended. Why? Because then it feels like you're imposing your nusach on her, as if her nusach isn't good enough. Also, there's this implication that Yiddish is the proper language as opposed to Hebrew (or the Jewish-style Arabic common among Moroccans).

And sadly, there are indeed some Ashkenazim with that attitude, which is why your Sefardi neighbor isn't being oversensitive when she gets miffed about your perfectly friendly "Gut Shabbos." (Although she should still give you the benefit of the doubt, that you were just expressing your ahavat Yisrael in the best way you knew how. Or that you just forgot how it might come off to her.)

Then around another Sukkot in Eretz Yisrael, a Chassidish-American acquaintance came up to me and started wishing me all sorts of nice things for the coming year -- in Yiddish.

Ironically, I suddenly felt irritated.

I don't know Yiddish, I fumed silently. Why was she putting me in this uncomfortable position of nodding blankly and not knowing how to respond to her gush of words because I mostly didn't understand? She knows I'm originally from an "out of town" location in America and that I'm firmly in the Sefardi community here in Eretz Yisrael. Why on earth would I understand all the Yiddish coming out of her mouth?

This admittedly insignificant incident left me disgruntled.

But why? What was wrong with me all of the sudden?

Why, when Shayna did EXACTLY the same thing, it imbued me with warm fuzzies, yet when this acquaintance did it, I got all flustered and resentful?

Even stranger, I actually like Yiddish. I enjoy trying to speak it with my friends' children who only know Yiddish.

So why did I all of the sudden have a problem with Yiddish?

I guess it's because it's the heart that counts.

Shayna is brimming with goodness, so when she talks to you in the language of her choice, then all her goodness just gushes forth into you. And Shayna was speaking to me in Yiddish because she thought that was the best way to convey her good wishes; she had no idea I didn't understand. (Ditto with the Sefardi ganenet above.)

Yet this acquaintance tended to be firmly entrenched in her own world and in her way of doing things. She and her husband were used to being leaders of their community and expressing good wishes in Yiddish was the RIGHT way to do things, gosh darn it, whether the listener understood and whether the listener was comfortable or not.

In other words, she wasn't reaching out to me, she was asserting herself over me (and vicariously, over a whole large group of fellow Jews).

Was this intentional? Likely not. Some people are just very self-absorbed and so used to holding on to their own thing (which, if you've lived frum in America, you need to do to resist the pull of secular American culture), that they don't realize when they've overstepped.

The Language of the Heart

So this is what I've learned:

Be like Shayna.
Be like my son's Sefardi ganenet.
Be like my wonderful Chassidish neighbors.
Be like the Yemenite Tehillim leader.

Reach out from the heart and don't overreach.

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A Compassionate Mindset vs a Judgmental Mindset

15/4/2018

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Some people cop an attitude when insulted, i.e. "How dare that person talk that way to ME!"

Many people go on and on about why they didn't deserve to be treated a certain way (as if it would be okay to maltreat them had they indeed put a toe out of line).

But there's a difference between saying something just plain hurts in contrast to acting like it's only wrong because you don't think you did anything to deserve disrespect or offense.

But who deserves disrespect or offense? When is that halachically acceptable?

Whether we're Jewish or not, we're all made in God's Image.

And among Jews, there are firm laws about treating your brothers and sisters with generosity and compassion (even when you also need to treat them with din).

The truth is that even when we do something wrong, that doesn't permit the other person to respond past the boundaries of halacha.

To be exact, the other person isn't allow to be behave badly at all.

Sure, you may not like being called to a court trial or informed that your behavior was hurtful or wrong. But if the other person is correct, they aren't behaving badly by calling your attention to what you've done wrong and, when necessary, asking for compensation (like if you stole from them or something).

There's an implication that it's okay to hurt people who are wrong (whether purposefully or unintentionally) when actually, it's NOT okay.

Self-protection? Permissible.

Retaliation and open game with bad middot? Forbidden.

What about a Breaking Point?

Of course, there are extenuating circumstances.

For example, anger is considered avodah zara and disrespectful language is generally forbidden. Yet it's understandable when a person lashes out at someone who has repeatedly and unrepentantly mistreated them in some way. Decent people strive to respond with dignity to difficult situations, but even a very good person still has a breaking point.

The big indication in that kind of scenario is whether the person who lashes out feels ashamed or regretful at having lost control, even if the offender really deserved it.

Despite the decent person's recognition that the one who mistreated them is the real offender and that the mistreatment shoved them into a very strenuous nisayon, the decent person still wishes to have handled the situation with more dignity, better middot, and more emuna.

Unconditional Compassion

Until we accept that fact that pain is pain and allow ourselves to sympathize with the actual pain (rather than looking to see if it was deserved or not), we will have a hard time being truly compassionate people.

Of course, it's important to point out the obligation to scrutinize one's deeds in a such a situation. The pain is from Hashem, Who uses the offender as an agent of that pain. You ask Hashem why it happened.

If indeed, you mistreated someone to the breaking point, inciting a decent person to lash out at you, then that should come through as you analyze the situation with God. But many times, you'll discover another message Hashem wants to impart to you.

When someone confides their pain to you, it's important to sympathize, even if you see a reason for their particular challenge. Why? Because it still just plain hurts that person and it's possible to sympathize with that pain and confusion.

We don't always need to look behind the person for the reason.

We can just let go and be compassionate.

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<<Previous

In Memory of Ari Fuld of Blessed Memory

How to Exchange Light with Your Fellow Jew

Light-Blockers

How Might the Exchange of Light Work?

The Power of Receiving Light

Let God Facilitate the Exchange of Light

Conclusion

How to Really Love Another Person

How to Avoid "Killing" Your Friend

Don't Dig for Defects

Heart-to-Heart Boundaries

Do's & Don'ts

When Giving Results in Receiving: A Love Story

Pele Yoetz: Always End on a Note of Hope

Affirming Our Innate Goodness & Ability

Judging Wonky Jews Favorably

Bringing It All Home

The Easily Distracted Inconsistent Bumbler's Guide to Serving Hashem

What Would You Say If...?

How to Bumble Your Way to Self-Improvement

My Life: The Garden of Bumbling

A Prayer of Thanks to the Creator of the World

A Prayer of Thanks to the Creator of the World

Knocked Down Off Your Feet Yet Again? What You & Mashiach Have in Common

What is the Heart's Nusach?

Communicating in the "Right" Nusach

Language Foibles from the Heart

The Language of the Heart

A Compassionate Mindset vs a Judgmental Mindset

What about a Breaking Point?

Unconditional Compassion

Myrtle Rising

Categories

Jewish Blogs

Jewish Current Events

Jewish Health

Archives

Copyright Notice

Light-Blockers

How Might the Exchange of Light Work?

​The Power of Receiving Light

Let God Facilitate the Exchange of Light

Conclusion

How to Avoid "Killing" Your Friend

Don't Dig for Defects

Heart-to-Heart Boundaries

Do's & Don'ts

Affirming Our Innate Goodness & Ability

Judging Wonky Jews Favorably

Bringing It All Home

What Would You Say If...?

How to Bumble Your Way to Self-Improvement

My Life: The Garden of Bumbling

A Prayer of Thanks to the Creator of the World

Communicating in the "Right" Nusach

Language Foibles from the Heart

The Language of the Heart

What about a Breaking Point?

Unconditional Compassion

Myrtle Rising

Categories

Jewish Blogs

Jewish Current Events

Jewish Health

Archives

Copyright Notice

The Power of Receiving Light