When I was attending chinuch classes, I heard a lot of questions along the lines of, "But my parents did that with us, and we still turned out okay. So why is it suddenly so bad to do that now?"

Just to be clear, none of these mothers wanted to do whatever unpleasantness their parents had done with them (whether it was hitting, yelling, making children wear out-of-style second-hand clothes, or anything like that), but they were legitimately trying to understand why these unwanted acts were suddenly so damaging.

As you might have guessed, there was never a real answer. Mostly hemming and hawing about a "different environment" and "things have changed" (oh, those ambiguous undefinable "things"!) and "it's a different generation."

All true, but not terribly satisfying because Jews kept immigrating into different environments throughout history and also, harmful movements within Jewry (particularly Easter Europe) kept rearing their ugly heads (like haskalah, Reform, Communism, etc) and snatching Jewish souls.

(And I don't blame the chinuch people, up to their ears in the problems of this generation, for trying their best to answer questions they didn't really know how to answer.)

Anyway, I wondered the exact same things and for the exact same reasons: I didn't want to do XYZ, but why indeed were common trials for children suddenly the reason for them to go flying off the derech?

Why was davka my generation of mothers being racked up to such a high standard?

And it wasn't just in parenting either. A woman's role suddenly expanded to include many more roles and expectations. Conducting proper shalom bayit and maintaining good mental and physical health also became fraught with challenges and contradictory advice.

And the constant refrain: "But our grandmothers didn't (work outside the home, exercise, eat spelt, fill-in-the-blank) and they were fine. So why do we need to ____?

Yet at the same time we were being told to somersault through all these hoops, nothing seemed to work (or only worked temporarily).

And so we heard our Sages quoted regarding the times of Mashiach: Chutzpah will increase, shalom bayis problems will increase, finances will go nuts, and so on.

That just makes Hashem sound capricious.

WHY do we have all these problems?

Is God just a big meanie? No, that can't be.

But while I can't know the deep kabbalistic reasons for everything that has changed, what I have discovered is that roughing things up forces you to burst out of your bubble of complacency and get your act together.

In other words, God wants us to get rid of all the garbage mucked all over our luminous souls to fulfill our true potential.

Let's take parenting for example.

Yes, at one point you could parent your children according to your own whims and moods as long as you covered the minimum bases set by your society.

But is that good for the parents?

No.

When there are no consequences to your lack of self-awareness and lack of introspection, then you tend to keep drifting along in whatever direction your ego or mindset takes you.

What chinuch problems do is they force you out of your complacency and stretch your mind to find other (and hopefully better) ways of relating to your children and raising them to be the best they can be.

And it's the same thing with shalom bayit.

When you or your spouse feel like divorce is on the horizon, it forces one or both of you to take a good hard look at what's really going on. You need to dig deeper. If divorce is really the best option, then take it. But sometimes it's not. It depends. There are people who turned to Hashem for even very serious shalom bayit problems, saying thank you and investing in long discussions and soul-searching with Hashem, people who eventually either found themselves getting divorced without suffering the usual grueling process involved in divorcing an abusive person, or they stayed married and the marriage became a happy one.

Health problems perform the same function. I've lost track of the number of people who suffered intolerable side effects (or lack of effectiveness) from conventional treatments, and who thus turned to herbs, better eating habits, exercise, and prayer as a more effective way of treating their illness.

This includes mental illness too. There are people who started digging deeper and got themselves off of medication (including for serious diagnosis that psychiatrists insist need life-long medication, like bipolar and schizophrenia). They looked at what the roots of their illness really were and made lifestyle and behavioral adjustments accordingly. They then passed on their newfound knowledge to others in order to help fellow sufferers.

Note: The process involved in overcoming a mental or physical illness, or in dealing with a severely dysfunctional marriage or really problematic children or any other grueling challenge is not simple or short. The above summaries should not be taken flippantly. The process is a lot of work. And sometimes, no matter what we do, we still don't get the desired result in the end because there are hidden metaphysical reasons why the desired result never arrives.

We either can't know the exact reasons or we can't know all the reasons for a particular tribulation. At the same time, many people suffering financial woes discovered, upon digging deeper, that their money came from a non-kosher source, or that they weren't honest in their dealings, or that they hadn't been giving tzedakah in the proper amounts.

In Rav Yehudah Hachassid's phenomenal compilation from the late 1100s, Sefer Chassidim, there's the true story of a formerly wealthy man who wept to his rebbe about his terrible suffering. Despite having had several children whom he married off and in whom he'd invested his wealth to set them up in their new homes, the formerly wealthy man was left without any progeny at all. His children all died before their time and before having children of their own and all the wealth he'd invested in them was lost too.

The man begged to know why Hashem left him lonely and poor in his old age.

"Did you deal honestly all your life?" asked the Rebbe. "Did you always keep people's trust? Did you ever cheat anyone?"

The man admitted that while he'd never cheated or stolen from a fellow Jew, he did betray the trust of a non-Jew who'd appointed the man to manage the non-Jew's business and committed theft against that non-Jew.

"Indeed," the man mused, "my sorrows began right after his death."

The Rebbe then explained that after this non-Jew died, he complained before the Heavenly Court. Noting that the complaint was justified, the Heavenly Court decreed upon the Jewish man to lose all that he'd acquired in a forbidden manner, and that this was just punishment for his sin.

The Rebbe then reassured the man that he can still do teshuvah. The suffering he was experiencing was atoning for this sin and with teshuvah, the old man certainly had hope for eternal salvation when his time would come to stand before the Heavenly Court.
______________
A very sharp story indeed.

And as horrific as it is to lose all one's children without even being able enjoy the comfort of grandchildren, atoning for sins the Afterlife is even worse. Doing true teshuvah for his sin in This World enables him to see his children again in the Afterlife.

But the point is that without this tribulation, no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't prevent the profound losses he suffered, he never would've investigated further and never would've discovered that the actions he considered permissible were in fact completely forbidden and looked upon with great severity in Shamayim.

Also, had he done some soul-searching prior to the non-Jew's death (when he could still ask forgiveness and pay him back), he could have averted the entire tragedy. And had he done some soul-searching after the first child died and sought out atonement then, he possibly could've prevented the loss of the other children.

We can't know for sure, but that's the implication.

In summary, we're having a lot of problems in so many different areas.

Problems with no apparent solution, no matter how hard we try, no matter how much we investigate and invest -- this means that there is only one solution: God.

Look, it's difficult.

I have wholeheartedly frum friends from yeshivish homes who, no matter how much they're suffering from one of their children, refuse to make God-connection and self-introspection the center of their efforts. They spend tons of money (which they don't have), endure humiliating situations, undergo enormous aggravation and frustration, hop from medication to medication, run all over the country and even fly out to other countries -- all in search of the solution to the problem. 

Because of their own (understandable) issues, they feel they just can't turn to Hashem and start looking for the message in it all or begging Him to remedy things.

To compound the confusion, they also cling to a false feel-good pride in how much effort they're investing in helping their child. This feeling is misleading because they're feeling good about dancing around the solution rather than leaping into the only real solution available.

I understand why they do it because I used to do it too until I crashed and burned really badly. But all the understanding and justification in the world can't change the basic fact: Only Hashem can work the miracles they so desperately seek.

If you have issues with Hashem, like anger or fear or resentment or shame or suspicion or general lack of belief, then that needs to be dealt with according to your personality and level. A lot of people have issues with Hashem; it's quite normal even if it isn't discussed so much.

In that case, you can just start talking to Him about these issues and see where He leads you from there. You can also read Garden of Emuna, which addresses these issues (and a whole lot more) head-on, or you can read the classic mussar books, like Duties of the Heart, Pathways of the Just, Ways of the Righteous, Pele Yoetz, etc.

For works that aren't classic mussar and aren't obvious how-to books, but deliver great sustenance for the soul and powerful practical guidance, feel free to try out Words of Faith by Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender or Rav Ofer Erez's From the Depths.

If you want something bite-sized, then you can try out Rivka Levy's pocket-sized book The How, What, and Why of Talking to God, which contains very helpful guidance and tips, and can be read in half-an-hour.

(Links below.)

In this type of thing, you go according to what speaks to you and what works for you on whatever level you're holding on now.

But the main thing is to connect with Hashem emotionally with your heart in a way that is real.

The only way to merit Mashiach is via emuna.

And the only way to develop emuna is to turn to Hashem as the Source of everything, good and bad.

And if we won't turn to Him on our own, then He needs to overcome our resistance and turn us to Him against our will. (Or against the will of our yetzer hara, anyway. Our yetzer tov is quite happy to turn to Hashem.)

But it's all Love.

God wants a deep abiding connection with us because He loves us so much.

Books mentioned above (some available to read online, some not):
Sefer Chassidim: Introduction
Tales of the Heavenly Court, Vol. II (The above story was reprinted here.)
Duties of the Heart/Chovot Levavot
Pele Yoetz
Garden of Emuna
Words of Faith
From the Depths
(Disclaimer: I haven't yet read From the Depths by Rav Ofer Erez, but am in the middle of reading another book of his and I've listened to his classes and read his Torah gems on the English website, and find his material to be startlingly beautiful, powerful, and illuminating. So I feel pretty certain about recommending this book, which is the only one of his that has been translated into English as far as I know.)
The How, What, and Why of Talking to God

Sora was born in 1898 to a wealthy Chassidish family in Europe. Her parents brought a melamed (private teacher) to their home to teach the boys. Curious and intelligent, Sora sat herself in a corner of the room to listen. When the boys could no longer sit still, they ran off and the melamed continued teaching knowing that the little girl in the corner was still listening.

Because a proper Chassidish home of that time contained no books other than Torah books in Yiddish and Hebrew, Sora became accustomed to reading books like Orchot Tzaddikim/Ways of the Righteous and Tzena U'Rena for pleasure.

And so Sora grew under the tutelage of her Chassidish parents and the mussar and halacha Sora learned on her own, sheltered from the storms of change that unleashed upon so many souls.

Much later in life, Sora was sharing a home in America with her widowed daughter and little granddaughter. Sora's husband was dying and the family was preoccupied with his care, which demanded a lot of physical and emotional stamina during this trying time.

At one point, Sora trudged into the kitchen to get something and came upon her young granddaughter making a big mess with a large bowl of water and way too many soap suds. Sopping doll clothes lay scattered about.

This kind of mess was the last thing Sora needed at her age and at this trying time.

But never one to lose her composure, Sora thought a moment then calmly asked, "What are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm just washing my dolly's clothes!" her young granddaughter cheerfully replied.

"Yes," said Sora, "I can see that your washing your dolly's clothes. But why?"

"Mmmm...because Zeidy's sick."

Sora thought for a moment, then said, "I see." Pause. "So you think that if you wash your doll's clothes, that's going to help Zeidy feel better?"

"Yep!"

In the course of the conversation, Sora discovered that her granddaughter had been watching everyone busying themselves around the house doing things for Zeidy (Grandpa). The tasks needed to be done properly and efficiently, so there was no opportunity to allow a young child to "help" as usual. Feeling helpless and desperate to contribute, the only thing the little girl could think to do was wash her doll's clothes.

"Well," Sora finally said. "Yes, I think it would make Zeidy very happy to know you were washing your doll's clothes for him, and that now they're all nice and clean. And you know what? As soon as he wakes up, I'm going to tell him what you did and he's going to be so happy to hear it."

The little girl started nodding and bouncing with pleasure.

"But right now," said Sora, "it would make Zeidy happiest if we clean all this up and then keep the floors neat and dry from now on. He'd feel a lot better if we did that. What do you say?"

"Oh, yes!" said the little girl. And she jumped up, went to get the mop, and together they cleaned up the mess and hung the doll clothes to dry.

And as long as her Zeidy's final illness lasted, the little granddaughter behaved herself very well.

And what could have been a bad memory for this granddaughter was transformed into a very positive memory. She felt loved and understood, and she learned how to really contribute in a stressful situation (i.e. sometimes the best thing to do is to stay out of the way and don't make a mess). She also learned from example the art of dealing with children (or with people in general): Don't assume.

Ask.

Had Sora been influenced by the American parenting attitude of the Fifties, she likely would have jumped to labeling her granddaughter as "attention-seeking."

Especially because her granddaughter, intelligent and lovable as she was, also got up to some serious mischief at times, it would make sense to see the doll-laundering fiasco as a way to manipulate the adults to pay attention.

But that's not what the youngster was thinking. She wasn't thinking, "Ooh, I'm feeling so jealous and deprived of attention. I think I'll go make a big mess and then try to dupe everyone into thinking that I simply wanted to launder my dolly's clothes. Muwahahahaha!"

In fact, she wasn't thinking much at all. As far as the little girl knew, her only motivation was to get busy cleaning something for Zeidy.

On the other hand, had she been influenced by the not-yet-existent Eighties, the grandmother might've seen this as a cry for love and nurturing. "Poor baby! She's feeling lost and abandoned! She's impacted by all the tension and lack of attention, but has no way to express herself!" And then she'd receive lots of cuddling and maybe a big discussion to let out her feelings about what's going on with Zeidy.

And what's wrong with that?

Well, again, it's jumping to an assumption that's not necessarily true. It's closer to the reality than the pre-Sixties attitude, but at the same time, there ARE times in life where you just can't give a child your full attention, which is something children need to learn to deal with. Furthermore, children shouldn't be allowed to think that their negative emotions justify acting out or inconveniencing people who already have too much on their plate.

(We know adults like this, right? Too bad they weren't taught better as children.)

Instead, Sora took a quintessentially Jewish way of dealing with it.

Just as the Ramban advised in his famous letter, she spoke all her words "b'nachat" -- with equanimity and pleasantness.

Sora also gave her granddaughter the benefit of the doubt, another Torah ideal. Yes, the child could've been manipulative and attention-seeking (children sometimes are), but what if she wasn't? This needed to be figured out.

And this is also where I think Sora's scholarship came into play. When reading the mussar books and Tanach commentaries, it's impossible to miss the contemplative inquisitiveness they display. First, they notice when passages or incidents don't add up. Then they calmly wonder why. After a contemplative analysis of all the relevant factors, they arrive at their penetrating conclusion.

When watching our gedolim questioned about complex or painful issues, it's impossible to miss their composure as their contemplative mind analyzes the facts at hand.

They're not unemotional or apathetic; they merely possess a high degree of yishuv hadaat -- a composed mind.

Even those who are naturally buoyant or fiery still express themselves within a framework of yishuv hadaat.

So again, it took me a long time to realize the imperative to ask the child about his or her motivation.

Like I mentioned in a previous post, I've only ever heard 2 options for raising children: pre-Sixties (yet post-1800s) and post-Sixties.

So it took me a while to grasp this investigative yishuv hadaat approach.

But I picked it up from hearing stories like this, stories about people who weren't influenced by psychologists of either era.

I also noticed this in memoirs from 19th-Century America. It was impossible to miss the long pauses adults incorporated into their dealings with errant children. Initially, I either saw this as a laconic backcountry communication style or I was confused -- this adult seemed so smart; why were they suddenly behaving in such a plodding manner?

And even when some kind of punishment was called for, it was often decreed with an absence of emotion. At times, the parent or teacher even seemed quite reluctant to administer any consequence.

Even odder, there were situations for which I was sure a child would be punished, but none was forthcoming. And again, this decision against punishment was determined by an adult who'd suddenly grown laconic and made his decision after a very long and contemplative silence.

This surprised me because child-rearing in "the olden days" is reputed to hold that sparing the rod meant spoiling the child -- and to interpret this (which is anyway a mistranslation) literally and unreservedly. (The real verse reads: "He who spares his shevet hates his son" -- and a shevet can be a rod, but it can also mean a structural framework, like a tribe, which is also called "shevet.")

Yet contrary to what I'd always heard, I discovered that people didn't jump to this option automatically. And even when they did utilize this option, it wasn't in a rage. Okay, yes, of course sometimes people were abusive and enraged, but it certainly wasn't a given.

I started to realize that people influenced by Tanach operate under a whole other behavioral system. All the more so, knowledgeable Jews with access to millennia of sagely scholarship and guidance.

In his 1824 masterpiece Pele Yoetz, Rav Papo clearly outlines the need to respond to each parenting situation according to its specific need. Sometimes a stern response is necessary, sometimes a soft response, and sometimes a parent should make himself as if deaf and blind!

It depends; there is no black-and-white approach to raising children.

Our Sages even composed a prayer for parents that asks Hashem for the wisdom to know when to laugh and when to rebuke, when to be stern and when to be pleasant, etc.

So this is what I'm working on now.

I know I tend to jump to conclusions with my children rather than taking the time to ask the right questions and to contemplate the answers and the situation at hand. (American culture seems to be phobic of conversational pauses.)

Sometimes I jump to a negative conclusion based on past experience with the child. But sometimes I jump to a positive conclusion that if wrong, can habituate the child toward being irresponsible, undisciplined, and narcissistic.

This is especially challenging when a child anyway displays a tendency to leap for looking, toward aggression, teasing, forgetting, daydreaming, or anything else. It's easy to assume that a child forgot to do something because he's anyway gets his head stuck in the clouds, or that a child started a fight because he anyway tends to do that.

But maybe not.

That's what I learned from the way Sora interacted with her own granddaughter.

Take a step back. Ask. Investigate. Contemplate. Then respond.

Don't fear a long pause of silent contemplation.

On the contrary -- embrace it.

It's the authentic Jewish way.
____________

Related article:
Seeking a Way through the Parenting Maze

 One of the big challenges me and my generation face with child-rearing is the only 2 options presented:

• The "pre-Sixties" mentality that expressed a deep fear of "spoiling" a child combined with the belief that a child's core essence is manipulative and attention-seeking, and so anything they do that is remotely distasteful to parents or teachers is rooted in their innate inclination to be a gremlin. (This is the pre-Sixties "ideal" that some people wish to return to; you can see the post The Past 200 Years of Chinuch: The Non Jewish World for more information.)

or

• The post-Sixties mentality popularized by Eighties pop-psychology, which is wishy-washy, overindulgent, unrealistic, and facilitates emotional immaturity and stunts emotional and spiritual growth.

It's really frustrating because there doesn't seem to be a middle ground of solid common sense, although one indeed exists.

Furthermore, taking God out of the whole picture just messes everything up. The pre-Sixties model developed from secular (and in one case, eugenicist) minds, which then imposed the ideas on a mostly religious populace.

Because Christianity believes that all people are born in sin, the idea of children as motivated by a need for manipulation and attention helped the mostly religious American populace to accepted these ideas (including the government-promoted opposition to physical affection and soothing babies & children), likely because it all seemed to fit right in with their religious beliefs.

This model was also accompanied by copious smirks and sarcasm. If you ever encounter people from this generation who hold by this method, they treat children with contempt as if even a very young child is consciously plotting any negative behavior (or behavior merely perceived as negative by the adult) with exquisite sophistication. And even when that child stops the behavior or proves their innocence, the adult continues to smirk because the adult "knows" that the child is still up to no good and still intends to do something impish, in line with his innate gremlinhood.

In other words, the child can never win. The child can never be good enough.

But when young people got fed up with being treated like demons in child-disguise, and older people with painful memories of being treated the same started writing books and speaking out, society heaved over in the other direction, but still left God out of the picture, which was equally (if not more) harmful.

As for my own upbringing...well, my parents were fairly assimilated Jews with a fondness for certain Jewish traditions and holidays. But there was no real Torah-based attitude in my home. So there are aspects of my upbringing that I consider beneficial and which I do incorporate into my own parenting methods, but there are also aspects which I reject and seek to replace.

So while I searched for the authentic Torah way of raising children, I merely kept running into one of the above attitudes, neither of which are based on Jewish sources, no matter how much their proponents insist they are.

(And drawing a bull's eye around a landed arrow AFTER it has been shot doesn't count as hitting the bull's eye, if you know what I mean.)

Reading Rav Arush's Garden of Education gave me so much that I tossed out all my other chinuch books. (And I'm toward the end of his Yeladim Mutzlachim/Successful Children, which has also been a tremendous help.)

More recently, a caring reader alerted me to the existence of Dr. Sara Yaroslawitz and her "Hands Full Chinuch" series available as both CDs and books. After reading a couple of articles about her and listening to a couple of free classes available on her site, I'm looking forward to obtaining her book to see if it's a good companion to Rav Arush's material. Her samples sounded right up my alley.

But what I still struggle with is finding that elusive path when it's not in me to do so. Meaning, I need to look for something I've never seen.

For me, parenting constantly feels like shooting in the dark.

When one of my kids was thirteen, I desperately needed fabric softener, yet couldn't run out to buy some. He was the only available person around to do it. Yet he's not completely reliable even in the best of times (he's a blithe spirit who believes in living in the moment) and he'd never bought fabric softener before.

So I asked him if he could do it, and he made a reluctant face while insisting that he didn't know how to buy it. He made lots of elaborate gestures and asked rhetorical questions to "prove" his incompetence in face of the task.

I started to give in as per the Eighties mentality and some chinuch classes.
(After all, I don't want him to resent going shopping or suffer fabric softener aversion for the rest of his life due to the trauma he suffered upon being forced to buy fabric softener when it was beyond his capabilities! And I don't want him going off the derech because he feels like Judaism is all about forcing your kids to do things they don't want to do and don't feel capable of doing. *sarc* See? The pop psychology mentality makes you overthink everything until you're neurotic.)

But then I thought it might be good for him to do something he didn't want to do. It's usually good for children to get accustomed to doing things they don't feel like doing and then enjoying their victory over their yetzer hara (which is what actually builds self-esteem).

Also, I thought he could recognize fabric softener at the supermarket because it's been around the home his whole life and even if he never noticed the specific bottles of fabric softener near the washing machine, they do display the words "fabric softener" on the label at the supermarket.

Finally, I figured the worst thing that could happen is that he'd buy a super expensive kind, buy something else (stain remover, for example), or return empty-handed. Really, that would probably the worst thing. He likely wouldn't suffer life-long resentment or go off the derech from it.

(Actually, I feared the "return empty-handed" option A LOT because it would only reinforce negatives and also leave me flummoxed as the best way to respond when I was already over my head with getting him to do it in the first place.)

So I pleasantly (pleadingly?) insisted that he would indeed go buy it and gave him a lengthy explanation of exactly how to find and recognize it.

Of course, I prayed for a positive outcome.
(Yes, God cares about us so much that He even wants us to contact Him regarding these little things too.)

When my son came home all smiles bearing the new bottle of fabric softener, I saw that he even bought exactly the brand and scent I'd wanted.

Thanks, God!

But how to respond?

• Eighties: Tons of gushing & infantalizing praise.
• Pre-Sixties: Tons of smirks and comments like, "See, silly? You made a mountain out of a molehill. Don't try to get away with copping out again." Laugh.

They're both inappropriate.

Then I remembered that the whole point of chinuch is to help children achieve their full potential. We want our children to achieve their complete rectification in this lifetime and merit a wonderful Eternity. I also remember that he possesses a shining soul that is all good and any behavior otherwise is just a klippah of the yetzer hara.

"Thank you SO MUCH," I said.

(The core essence of a Jew is gratitude and expressing gratitude.)

"This really helps me. I really needed this."

(Your contribution is meaningful. I assigned you a task for a meaningful reason and not simply because I like to torture you.)

Then I emphasized his success in doing something that he didn't know how to do and didn't think he could do, yet not only did he do it, he did it exactly right.

So he can see himself as a competent individual whose existence is meaningful and can take risks because his proven competence in the face of a new task renders him liable to succeed.

He doesn't need rivers of praise for completing the task, nor does he need to be mocked or put down for his initial attitude toward the task.

The above leads to infantilization and inadequacy (either of which eventually lead to despair and a "why bother?" attitude or a hamster-wheel attitude where a person is always pushing but never really feeling good enough).

But he does need to know that his actions are meaningful and that his abilities are real.

An admittedly trivial example, but the adults who develop from such children are built from such trivial events. A big part of raising children is knowing that the small matters influence the big matters later.

So that was a positive example, I guess.

But mostly, I continuously feel inadequate to the task, like I'm raising my children blindfolded with one arm tied behind my back.

And that's why I end up leaning on Hashem so hard (which is apparently what He wants in the first place).

Sources mentioned in this post:
Are Your Hands Full? by Dr. Sara Yaroslawitz
Sample audio preview by Dr. Sara Yaroslawitz
Garden of Education by Rav Shalom Arush
Yeladim Mutzlachim by Rav Shalom Arush (Hebrew)

Even as I subscribed in my younger years to the idea of "the" parenting method that would produce ideal children (i.e. happy, well-adjusted, and frum), I couldn't help noticing that other families successfully used methods that our experts either ignored or dismissed or even opposed.

I meant to fulfill the promulgated chinuch principles to the letter, but having taken psychology in college and having been inundated with all sorts of child psychology pundits, articles, best-selling books, and methods since my preteens, I viewed with concern the obvious borrowing from pop psychology in classes claiming to teach the "authentic" or "real" or "traditional" TORAH way of raising children.

And as several of the methods either didn't work or backfired with my own children (and with no workable alternative solution from whatever chinuch person or book I consulted), I opened my mind to watching what actually worked for others, instead continuing the exhausting jig of pretty theories.

One aspect of Israeli families that struck me was how mothers seemed to actually NEED their children's help. Chores weren't merely for the sake of self-discipline or good habits, but instead, they comprised meaningful work that benefited the entire family. Even more shocking to me was how the mothers weren't ashamed to need their children.

I found that my friends and I never wanted to NEED a child's help. Furthermore, such a situation also always seemed discouraged among the chinuch experts.

Yet I was seeing this among Israeli families, particularly Sefardi families, and it seemed to be working out just fine. Children helped much more than in American families and in general their homes seemed to run better. (These are big generalizations of course, and there are many exceptions to them on both sides.) Furthermore, children seemed to do more at younger ages, seemed to feel good about themselves with regard to it, and even took the initiative to clean or cook. Even more impressive, they seemed to WANT to continue these habits when they set up their own homes.

And I never saw those rotating "job charts" so popular among the parenting experts during my childhood.

Furthermore, these meaningful contributions extended into adulthood. I saw adult children who paid attention to their parents and concerned themselves with their well-being. They also spoke of their parents differently, without the emotional distance I was used to hearing secular adults in America speak of their parents. They seemed more cognizant of their parents' feelings and viewed their parents as individuals rather than as a magazine article of behaviors.

I wondered why.

Also, I remember hearing often as a child that chores were good for children because it made them feel part of the family. However, that was definitely not how I felt about chores as a child, nor did it seem that my siblings felt that way either. In fact, while I don't remember friends liking chores, the ones who didn't try to shirk out of them tended to be those who felt their contributions were meaningful and necessary to the family and running of the home.

This included friends whose parents leaned on them in ways others considered inappropriate. For example, I had one friend who from 10th or 11th grade, was expected to prepare supper between the time she came home from school and the time her parents came home from work -- and this was a daily long-term expectation she needed to organize around her homework and other activities.

I was aghast, but she defended it, explaining how logistically speaking, it really wasn't practical for her parents to prepare supper around working full-time jobs and also how much they liked her cooking. In fact, she seemed proud of her accomplishment and not put upon. She also pointed out that she now had skills that would serve her for life, skills that weren't common among her peers, so she felt a cut above the rest.

Also, I noticed many mothers in my generation, regardless of their religious background, had very set views about children and housework, trying to make it fun and free of stress. With regard to structure in general, a great many decided that if they felt they were too tired or stressed to deal with their children calmly, then they just let things go. Tidying, bedtimes, and other responsibilities were pushed off just so the mother wouldn't end up yelling or showing any anger.

This was supposed to show children the value of overcoming anger, but (and this will come as no shock to the generations above ours) children instead interpreted this as a lack of consistency and responded accordingly.

After lots of observation and pondering, I realized several things:

Chores that have no meaning or necessity other than to teach the child self-discipline become meaningless pointless work.
NO ONE wants to engage in meaningless pointless activities (unless they're fun), including adults. And because children aren't particularly interested in self-discipline or building character, it's hard for them to help around the house unless the work actually contributes something meaningful.

If I tell you to flap your arms around "for your own good," how happily and how long will you be able to keep flapping?

But what if I tell you that by flapping your arms, you create air currents (I'm totally making this up) that cool off heat stroke victims and help asthma sufferers, particularly when the sufferer is an immediate family member?

It's a lot more meaningful.

Traditionally, parents needed children.
Yes, that is actually the authentic traditional TORAH way of rearing children -- and not just the Torah way, either. Out of necessity, everyone used to raise their children this way and still do in many parts of the world. Children who helped out in the field, assisted in the family store, fetched water from the well, or brought the cows home were performing genuinely meaningful and necessary contributions to the family.

Attitudes changed over time, possibly due to mandatory schooling keeping children away home for huge chunks of childhood and also possibly due to advanced household technology, plus smaller family sizes and a move to urban life. Suddenly, fastidious housekeepers had electricity, indoor plumbing, spray cleaners, vacuum cleaners, dishwashers, washing machines, and dryers to cut down on time and labor spent on housework and reaped a cleaner result too (i.e, a dishwasher or even hot running water and a good-quality sponge clean dishes much faster and better than wiping dishes with a soapy rag dipped in cold or lukewarm water from a bucket). They also had fewer children to contend with, so a mother didn't feel the same need for an older child's help when she's nursing or otherwise occupied.

Gradually, children became only a hindrance for housework rather than also being potential help.

Teaching children that parents have needs teaches children compassion.
Parents get tired, sick, and overwhelmed. It's perfectly fine for children to realize this. Yes, a parent who is tired, sick, or overwhelmed to the point of incapacitation for a long time may be scary or overwhelming for a child. But a child who sees that a parent NEEDS help and the child can help that parent? Well, that builds good middot in the child, particular when the parents show their gratitude and appreciation for the child's meaningful contribution.

A child who allows the mother to sleep hopefully finds a refreshed and joyful mother when she wakes up -- all in the merit of this wonderful child. A child who washes all the dishes to save the mother that chore or who surprises the mother with folded laundry will ideally encounter a thrilled and very thankful mother.

As a child in America and as an adult in Israel, I also noticed that parents who needed their children tended to produce children who were more sensitive to others. Let's face it: If your mother continues to function just fine even when she has the flu or hasn't slept properly for a month, then how are you going to respond to people who have the flu or who are tired? If you don't realize that people really need help at times -- and that you are able to help AND your contribution is meaningful -- then how will you relate to others who are struggling?

Needless to say, this can be taken to an unhealthy extreme. Needy parents wear out their children with their ceaseless demands. Such children may develop apathy to others because they assume that people who need others are simply lazy or manipulative.

So this was my big challenge: letting my children know that I needed them, and also that their contributions are meaningful and important.

As mentioned above, it is important to strive for balance:

• Needing children's contributions is good.
• Needy, demanding parents are not good.

And with Hashem's Help, that's what I'm trying to do.

Related links:
The Last 200 Years of Chinuch I: The Non-Jewish World
The Last 200 Years of Chinuch II: The Jewish World
Will the Real "Chinuch shel Pa'am" Please Stand Up?

I wanted to write a little bit about PPD (post-partum depression) because I've had it (and didn't feel I could reach out for help because of the current simplistic cheerleading attitude toward it) and I've also been labeled as having it when I didn't have it at all, and both responses were detrimental.

But both situations also taught me that the well-intended portrayal of PPD as a purely hormonal blip and the attitude people must have toward it can actually cause problems.

I think that at least some PPD therapists realize the possible complexities involved in PPD and the variants in individual situations, but this doesn't seem to make it to the public.

First, I'd like to describe what it's like to be smacked with the PPD label when you don't have it.

Years ago, we had a very difficult houseguest staying with us when my youngest was around 7 months old. (I agreed to this for reasons I cannot discuss, but the wrong decision resulted from my incorrect reasoning.) The houseguest was usually not around and came home late at night, and then I also saw him in the mornings. Overall, he had a pleasant personality, but he was too self-absorbed to live with.

Once, I found my baby with a mouth full of tobacco and hands full of chewed cigarettes in his hands (courtesy of the guest). Another time, I caught my baby just as he was biting into the foil wrapper of antidepressants (or antipsychotics? Again, courtesy of the guest.) He also used to sit up at night eating sunflower seeds and spitting the shells onto the Persian rug. Sunflower seed shells are a choking hazard and this meant that I needed to shoot out of bed in the morning before my 2-year-old climbed out of bed (the shells have a pleasant salty taste for 2-year-olds) and before I could put the baby on the rug, and thoroughly vaccuum, then inspect the surrounding floor for stray shells.

Yes, I told him to stop and I told him why. No, he didn't stop.

There were other stresses with him, but it's too much to say.

Anyway, I started feeling really frazzled and hopeless. In the course of talking on the phone with friends, they asked why I sounded so down. I said I didn't know why. And as strange as it sounds, I really didn't! Life had been stressful before the guest moved in with us, so I didn't consider that he was the cause. I thought I just needed to work on my middot and my attitude.

Immediately, I was told by every single person: "THIS is post-partum depression! It is TOTALLY normal and there is NOTHING to be ashamed of! And it can happen anytime during the first 12 months after birth! Do you want the name and number of the frum organization for post-partum depression? I'll be happy to give it to you!"

At that time, I was still strong on therapy being the answer to everything, so I appreciated their encouragement to get help. But I didn't feel this was PPD.

The problem was when I tried to tell them I really didn't feel this was PPD, but something else I couldn't figure out. I got interrupted or otherwise silenced every single time I rejected the PPD diagnosis. Why? Well, I must be in denial! Or simply reluctant to get help! That's part of PPD! (It is, BTW. A couple of the official symptoms are being afraid that people won't understand you or that your baby will be taken away.)

Pretty quickly, I started to get frustrated because I kept being told I had a problem I was sure I didn't have.

This made me feel even more frazzled and hopeless. Also, I had a tendency toward depression, so being bullied into seeing myself as depressed when I wasn't...well, it was depressing.

Finally, I decided to sit down and really think about what could be the source of my unhappiness. It didn't take long to realize that the guest was just too much for me. And despite how chessed and being compassionate is supposed to make you grow, I realized that what we were doing wasn't real chessed or compassion; it was "enabling."

So the guest was out by the next day. And I immediately started feeling better! At first, he was really angry at me for kicking him out, but then a year later, he called to sincerely apologize. He's actually a very good and likeable guy, and that period of depression and anger on his part were simply the results of his coming to terms with an upbringing that looked idyllic but was actually very dysfunctional.

But the whole thing got me thinking.

If your friend is down and isn't sure why, what ever happened to saying: "Do you want to talk about it?" or "Is there anything I can do to help?" or "I'm sorry to hear that. What's your name for davening? I'd really like to daven for you."

I know that friends can't be therapists. And how can they know what my real problem was or how to draw it out of me? They can't.

But denying a person's reality and insisting that his or her perceptions are wrong can drive a person crazy. Also, insisting that someone is depressed is also damaging. Being pressured to see myself as depressed aggravated an already desperate situation.

But everything Hashem does really is for the best and I got an insider's view of how attitudes were changing within the frum community, both in ways that were good and ways that were not so good.

Awareness is good, but simplistic thinking is not.

Yet that is what is pervading the mainstream media including the frum media: simplistic solutions to complex problems of the nefesh.

In A Secure Base, John Bowlby described a case involving a first-time mother suffering from post-partum depression to the point that she experienced urges to harm her 6-month-old baby. And she felt terrible shame and fear about this. Despite her feelings, she really loved him very much. In Bowlby's eyes, she seemed like a very nice and normal person and her feelings didn't seem to go with her intelligent and caring personality.

So what was going on?

It turned out that these urges intensified after visits with her own mother.

Now, this woman felt like she had a good relationship with her mother and felt like her mother was helping her. But really, the mother was inserted all sorts of stuff under the radar that hurt and enraged the woman, which twisted around into feelings of rage at her innocent little baby.

(BTW, this kind of relationship in very common with a personality disordered parent. If a Narcissist mother crowns you as the "golden child," then you might go around thinking that you and your parent have a great relationship and even say things like, "My mom is best friend!" But really, all sorts of unhappy stuff is roiling underneath the surface and you can come away from get-togethers feeling bad about yourself. In a nutshell, a harmonious relationship with a personality disordered person can only occur on their terms. So an adult child who has unconsciously adapted to those terms may think the relationship is harmonious when really, it's very one-sided against the child's needs.)

Anyway, once Bowlby helped the woman to see how her own mother was making things worse (and that the mother was the cause of the post-partum depression), he then was able to work with the woman on dealing with the real issues at hand and also limiting time spent with her own mother.

There were more details that I can't remember, but the story had a happy ending and the woman went on to heal from these feelings and enjoy a loving relationship with her baby boy.

(Although I can't help wondering whether, if she were treated today, the real cause of her extreme feelings would be missed in favor of a round of antidepressants. I think it would depend on the insight of the therapist.)

In fact, before I ever heard of Bowlby, I noticed that a lot of post-partum depression seemed compounded by other people, particularly the husband. Yes, of course, there is hormonal flux going on after birth. Combine that with a traumatic birth (even a normal "easy" birth can be traumatic, depending), stressful events or environment (even normal ones, like upcoming holidays or happy events or coming home with the baby to young and dependent children still in diapers or not sleeping through the night themselves), serious sleep deprivation, and so on, then it's a wonder that most women don't break down after birth!

And I want to stress that there are many cases in which the woman's surrounding family and family background is really good yet she suffers PPD anyway. This is completely realistic and as I said, it's a wonder that not every woman suffers PPD after birth!

We should not jump to condemn her family members when a woman suffers PPD.

But if you compound all the above "normal" stuff with family members who are stressed out, critical, selfish, demanding, narcissistic, or uncaring (and these could be the husband, older children, parents, parents-in-law, or adult siblings/siblings-in-law), then you could have a recipe for a serious overload on the woman's already overtaxed body and nefesh.

True Story #1
A very famous letter circulated throughout the frum community from a husband whose wife suffered PPD. It was very good that he brought awareness from the husband's side. The interesting thing is that when he described how he initially responded to his wife's difficulties, he really sounded strange. For example, 3 months after birth, a baby is usually not sleeping through the night.

Think about that: Birth is a emotionally and physically grueling event. But you don't get to rest and recover from it. Even if you go to a mother-baby rest center and sleep through the night there, it's usually only for a few days and you still need to do lots of babycare yourself (like feedings and soothing a crying baby). Then you come home (maybe or maybe not fully recovered) and deal with waking up several times a night.

Some women feel worse 3 months after birth than they do immediately after the birth.

Furthermore, the woman in this case was dealing with older children who were still very young and helpless, plus work, and so on. And the husband was actually getting angry at her for being exhausted and overwhelmed! (That's how I remember him describing himself).

I really don't think you need your wife to be diagnosed with PPD in order to behave with compassion toward a wife who is seriously sleep-deprived and overworked.

But apparently, he eventually did teshuvah and that is really good. And it's good that he publicized his experience in the letter. (My only problem with it, if I remember it correctly, is that he kept emphasizing how he should have been more sympathetic and supportive because her overwhelm resulted from PPD, and not that he generally needed to be sympathetic and supportive when his wife was going through a rough period.)

True Story #2
I personally know, just off the top of my head, 2 women who were initially diagnosed with post-partum depression, then never recovered. Both were calm, competent types, and one I always thought of as being particularly mature for her age when she was a teenager--a very good solid head on her shoulders. You know the type?

And last time I saw her (a couple of years after birth), she was still medicated and paranoid with no end in sight. Her husband seems like a very good guy and has been sticking by her, but I know that her parents are very dysfunctional people and some of her siblings are also problematic (read: mentally ill), one of whom was living with her and her husband for a few months before she gave birth...coincidence?

The other woman had a real jerk of a husband. But she kept pretending everything was fine. But everything hit after the birth of her second child. Eventually, her husband got fed up with living with a depressed wife and they're divorced now with the kids in his custody. Allegedly, he and his mother turned the older child against the mother and when the baby was five, the husband sued for (and won) custody of him too. During the that whole period, the mother lived with an elderly aunt (between hospitalizations for mental illness).

Depressing Middot
Finally, PPD can be brought on because of the mother's negative middot.

For example, if a woman is narcissistic and on the lazy side, the routine acts necessary to keep a baby alive may cause her overwhelming resentment. Having said that, babycare is stressful even with the most easy-going baby, so a normal woman can also experience resentment or overwhelm at times. But someone who is truly narcissistic and isn't up to doing much in the best of times (especially for anyone but herself), she can get depressed after birth. But it isn't hormonally induced depression (although hormones can contribute to her negative feelings). It's just that life has overwhelmed her middot. And medication will not help with that root cause.

So there is a lot more to PPD than just hormones.

Unfortunately, in the current environment of psychology, these observation are ignored in favor of relating to PPD is if it's just a virus that needs rest, chicken soup, and maybe some Prozac.

And that's where the tricky part lies.

Many people mean to be helpful. But like with all the sciences, money and personal bias/agendas tend to determine the solutions and treatment of the problems.

For example, I would say that the reason why most episodes of treated (with rest, nourishing meals, and other people taking on her household and childcare responsibilities until she recovered) PPD go away (including those treated without medication) and never recur is because the mother received the support she needed. Now it was embedded in her subconscious that she is not alone and that she had nothing to fear because the community met her needs.

I have no proof for this, but it makes sense based on my observations and reading.

I really hope we can move past simplistic thinking when it comes to anything on the spectrum of mental illness, even regarding a disorder that really is sparked by biology beyond our control, as is the case with PPD.
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BTW, I am not trying to discourage anyone from getting help for PPD.

PPD is a nightmare to deal with. (The one time I had it, I hid it from my husband and children so they wouldn't know how I was really feeling.) and I'm sure there are genuinely insightful and experienced therapists who can help someone get to the root of their PPD and recover from it. (Although I emphasize the word "help." Therapy is only ever help. Ultimately, a person can't skip steps. Deepening your relationship with Hashem needs to be part of it.) The superficial attitude permeating popular culture right now (and pushed by some psychologist and psychiatrists) is not indicative of every single therapist. I wish I'd known that when I had it.

One of the most frustrating aspects of struggling with a child is the advice and "help" from "experts."

Yes, some of it is genuinely good and helpful.

But many parents eventually run into a "wall," whether early on or at some point down the road.

Unfortunately, well-meaning frum publications and speakers declared years ago that all issues with OTD children derived from shalom bayit problems. (In contrast, a Rebbe -- Novominsker, I think? -- knowledgeable in this topic declared long before that problems could derive from different areas, depending on the child's personality and environment: learning disabilities, shalom bayis problems, problematic teachers, etc.)

Four scenarios result from this, all with the same ultimate failing:
1) Parents with really good shalom bayis are nitpicked and interrogated by well-meaning advisers and counselors to discover the domestic friction that "must" be there.

2) Parents with really bad shalom bayis because one spouse is seriously dysfunctional and thus the shalom bayis remains really bad NO MATTER WHAT the non-dysfunctional spouse does to improve it (because dysfunctional people don't cooperate regardless of how high the stakes because they are, well, dysfunctional) are blamed and eventually sink into despair over a situation they cannot control or improve no matter how high they jump.
(For this agonizing situation, tefillah & chesbon hanefesh are really the only solutions.)

3) People improve their shalom bayis, but the child either doesn't improve, or gets worse, or improves a little but not all the way, or the child eventually returns to frumkeit but another child starts acting up.

4) Parents really struggle to improve their shalom bayis, but this is really difficult because (for a variety of reasons) a spiritually struggling child actually causes friction between the couple.

And the biggest problem of all?

The REAL issue is never really addressed or tackled.

The 2 main keys to successful child-rearing are:

1) Tefillah (prayer, personal and heartfelt)
2) Cheshbon hanefesh (self-accounting combined with teshuvah)

In fact, Sages throughout Jewish history continually recommend these 2 acts as the root response for anything that ails a person, whether it's mental illness, physical illness, war, tragedy, financial problems, marital problems, chinuch problems, etc.

Obviously, you can do other things in conjunction with the 2 keys mentioned above.

For example, when I hear a siren warning of an incoming missile, I do not continue frying up my omelette while murmuring Tehillim and thinking of what I need to improve in myself.

No. I turn off the gas and quickly go the reinforced safe room, close the metal window protect and the annoyingly heavy door, and THEN I pray and do teshuvah.

So you can definitely engage in practical efforts alongside the tefillah and teshuvah.

But these are the main 2 keys to successful child-rearing.

Why?

Everything is a message from Hashem.

Everything is swung at us for our benefit.

A child's behavior is often a mirror of sorts.

A massively magnifying mirror, in fact.

Superficially, if your child is rebelling against Judaism, it could be that you are also a bit rebellious against certain core Jewish concepts...even if you cover your hair with 2 coverings and won't ever wear a shaitel not even to your child's wedding, you take out Shabbat according to Rabbeinu Tam, you wouldn't even think of eating something with less than Badatz Eideh HaCharedis certification, and you send your children to only the most exclusive frum schools, and you wouldn't dream of having even filtered Internet let alone a smartphone.

But there might be something you're overlooking, something essential to your amazing potential to which Hashem wants to lovingly call your attention.

Sometimes, the point to focus on is extremely subtle.

For example, one mother (who worked as a teacher) used intensive self-scrutiny to discover that her children's stomach-turning rivalry & bullying was a hint from God to continue to discipline a bullying student of hers without any smirky feelings of "Ha! Gotchya, ya little varmint!" Yes, she was correct to stop bullying in her classroom, but she was feeling gratified about punishing the bully in a way that wasn't appropriate. After all, the bully was only a child herself. That, combined with heartfelt pleas for improved sibling relationships among her children, basically resolved her children's bullying within a few days.

Had she gone to chinuch experts, they merely would have plowed through her psyche and picked apart her marriage, searching for flaws (as defined by the "experts") in a sincere effort to discover the terrible mistake she "must" be making with her children.
_______________
Without getting too personal, I want to testify that this method has helped me resolve issues that according to "experts," my husband and I should have needed long-term intense therapy and programs for ourselves and our children. Sometimes, the issues were resolved in a couple of days, sometimes it took much longer (and some still aren't resolved, but aren't as bad as what other people are suffering).

Baruch Hashem, negative experiences in dealing with chinuch classes, chinuch hotlines, and consultations with experts burned me pretty early on and inspired me to look elsewhere. 

Because I got burned so badly, got rebuffed or condescended to so roundly, or just plain got confused by chinuch experts' weirdness & their own prejudices & shortcomings...and because I guess my ego is too fragile to keep going back for more of the above, I was able to step off the chinuch merry-go-round and turn to real chinuch and middot work, with help from Rav Shalom Arush's books:

1) Talk to Hashem
2) Examine myself for what I need to improve (whether it's directly related to my behavior toward my children or not)

Now, sometimes parents are doing something wrong directly to their children.

Maybe a parent is hitting, mocking, deriding, neglecting, or shouting at a child OR the other spouse. Maybe there is a shalom bayit problem caused equally by both parents, which can be at least partly remedied by at least one parent cleaning up his or her act.   

If so, then that will come out in a cheshbon hanefesh.

Yes, sometimes chinuch experts are correct when they offer constructive criticism to a parent. But they can also be wrong, overfocus on a lesser issue, and so on.

And it can be very bewildering (especially for an inexperienced parent) to filter out the correct advice amid all the wonky stuff.

In the secular world, I knew parents who'd been physically abusing their children and were "caught" by the system (usually initiated by a child's acting out). They went through counseling and stopped hitting (out of fear of social or legal consequences), but never became good parents. And while their children were relieved to no longer live in fear of being hit, they still suffered emotional neglect and generally feeling unloved and unvalued, which still led to self-destructive behaviors later.

Merely solving one problematic behavior on the part of the parents doesn't lead to overall good parenting or to overall self-improvement.

As parents, we need to want to become better people overall.

Finally, I know families in which the parents have bad middot, but good shalom bayit and are loving parents toward their children. Why? That's just how their self-interest happens to go. They see their spouse and children as extensions of their own ego and so they treat them all pretty well. Add to that the natural love parents tend to feel toward their children and viola! You've got elitist jerks with pretty loving, functional families.

But when their kids start acting out, they'll be exposed to heavy focus on their parenting methods and again, the neverending quest for hidden shalom bayit problems (which may or may not exist).

Again, it all gets back to what we need to fix in ourselves.

And yes, it can be puzzling, frustrating, and discomfiting work.

But ultimately, that's what we're here for and it ends up being very rewarding too.

May we all experience nachat d'Kedusha from all our children.

Related posts:
Chinuch & Cheshbon Hanefesh: How It Really Works
How to Overcome Obstacles Blocking You from Doing True Cheshbon Hanefesh
5 Reasons Why Cheshbon Hanefesh is Better Than a Chinuch Professional Picking You Apart
Chinuch's Holy Grail: There Isn't One
(You can also click on "Chinuch" in the sidebar of Categories)

Sometimes, Hashem seems to have higher standards for some people than others.
 
This doesn’t mean that He expects a regular person to reach the level of Moshe Rabbeinu; it means that He expects a “regular” person to push himself a lot more than He seems to expect of other people.

Just as one example:
A couple of people confided that before they started talking to Hashem and doing a raw, introspective evaluation of themselves, they feel like in hindsight, they were well on their way to developing a full-blown personality disorder.

They have shame and even some confusion (“How could I have even thought that way? Where was my brain??!”) about their past behavior. What’s astonishing is how they were able to sift through all that narcissism and victim mentality to reach the truth (both the beautiful and the ugly parts) about themselves—and then to get down to serious work on transforming themselves into the kind of people they were meant to be all along.
 
Because personality disorders indicate a lot of false beliefs (which the person honestly thinks are true), and which also knocks that person's instincts off balance (causing them to jump to false conclusions about themselves and others), it means that they have more mire than usual to wade through and a much harder job ahead of them.
 
Interestingly, most people don’t ever try to do this. In fact, even a lot of emotionally healthy people don’t sit down and do a regular cheshbon hanefesh or turn to God in their own words.

(Note: A “regular” cheshbon hanefesh doesn’t have to mean “daily”—although that’s the halachic ideal; “regular” can also mean weekly.)
 
And we see that a lot of people with emotional problems don’t do real teshuvah at all; this resistance is an inherent part of their emotional problems and mental health issues in the first place.
 
So why do some people get to work and some don’t?
 
And why do many emotionally healthy people (who presumably have less work to do and hence less inner shame to face) skimp on real raw self-scrutiny while this handful of emotionally unhealthy personality disordered people engage in the necessary self-scrutiny, when the latter have so much more muck to rake through, and therefore much more emotional pain during the process?
 
(In addition, most emotionally unhealthy people have experienced traumatic events not of their making, which they also need to remember and deal with. So it’s not just their own mistakes and transgressions, but very painful experiences perpetrated against them by the transgressions and mistakes of others.)
 
I don’t know the answer. I guess these people have certain amount of siyata d’Shmaya, maybe zechut avot (ancestral merit) or at least one very good and significant deed that opens the gates of teshuvah to them and earns them an extra measure of Heavenly Help to get them to where they need to go.
 
It’s truly a Divine Act of loving-kindness because the better we behave here, the more reward we receive for eternity over There. So when people are given a chance to identify their misdeeds and faulty thinking, regret them and change them, they are actually doing their ownselves a huge favor.
 
Having said that, it’s still grueling work.

If you need to get to Level 10, then starting from Level Minus 5 is a lot harder than starting from Level Seven...or even starting from Level Zero.
 
For example, I think we’ve all met the following types of parents:

• Parent A possesses both the innate nature and the upbringing to be a good parent.
• Parent B lacks the innate nature associated with good parenting, but received a good upbringing and fairly decent modeling as to how to be a good parent.
• Parent C possesses the innate nature to be a good parent, but underwent an abusive upbringing or received poor modeling from own parents.
• Parent D lacks both the innate nature and upbringing or any kind of positive parental modeling.

 
(And certainly, there are also different gradations within each type with regard to how much innate nature one receives and how exemplary or abusive the upbringing and parental modeling was.)
 
Needless to say, Parent D is going to have to work a LOT harder to just reach the innate level of Parent B or C, while reaching the level that comes naturally to Parent A is going to seem nearly impossible to Parent D.
 
(And sometimes, Hashem throws Parent D a particularly difficult spouse and/or particularly challenging children into the mix.)

We see that things aren't dished out equally and that some people have a lot more strikes against them from the outset.
 
Again, it seems that Hashem simply has higher expectations of some people than He does others.

Fortunately, Hashem judges us solely on according to ourselves. He will never judge Parent D according to the results of Parent A. In fact, He won’t even judge Parent D’s good days against Parent A’s “bad” days. Society might do so, but they’re wrong to do so.
 
Whatever effort you make? That’s what you get judged on.
 
If you clawed yourself up from Level Minus Five to Level Zero, then you’ve struggled and accomplished a lot more than a Level Seven who pushed himself up to Level Eight…even though the latter appears tremendously more accomplished than you do.
 
People can disparage a person on Level Zero. And the pinch is that people may be right when they state that “you’re only on Level Zero.”
 
But only Hashem knows where you’ve really come from and that your “Zero” is another person’s “Eight.”
 
And Hashem’s POV is all that matters.
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May we all merit to complete our tikkun in this lifetime without suffering or humiliation.

When I was a little girl, I found little boys intimidating.

Boys tended to be louder, rowdier, less sensitive, and sometimes even cruel.

And they often thought that mean teasing and cruelty was funny. Not all of them, of course.

But there did seem to be this strain of reveling in dominance, particularly against those who couldn't fight back—sometimes it was passive aggression and sometimes it was aggressive aggression.
 
Being in public school, sports were coed, which was pointless. They boys couldn’t play as heartily as they needed and many of the girls couldn’t be the teammates or opposition that they boys needed (although some girls did thrive on this).

I remember one of the more aggressive boys in sixth grade power-kicking a soccer ball straight into my face by accident. To his credit, he came over to me later in class and stammered an apology. I hadn’t thought he would feel so bad, and it was touching to see that he really hadn’t meant to do it. But I also remember being yelled at by frustrated strong and scary boys who couldn’t understand why I wasn’t throwing myself into the game like they were.
 
Boys also did things like put a ladybug onto a flashlight bulb, close the lens and then turn on the bulb, torturing the poor ladybug to death—and the boys enjoyed this. Another time, I listened to two boys chuckling about tossing a pet gerbil between each other from pillow to pillow and laughing when the gerbil accidentally flew out the second-story window after a badly aimed toss.
 
But in high school, things were different. Boys had matured somewhat, and could restrain themselves, and you could be friends. And you were no longer pitted against them in Physical Education class because there was no longer an obligatory PE class. Also, guy is humor is really, really funny. The way guys tell stories and yeshivah Purim shpiels, etc…they’re very funny.
 
And while due to my nature even as a secular girl, I tended to have female friends almost exclusively, though there were still guy friends too (like Linus, whom I wrote about in The Startling Impact of Kol Ishah.)
 
So I didn’t have an issue with guys nor with men. I just thought that little boys (though not all of them) were kind of scary and sadistic.

Then I came to Eretz Yisrael and here, kids are out and about a lot more because Israeli streets are generally safer for kids, plus there are a lot more kids. (Even secular Israelis tend to have more kids than their secular counterparts outside of Israel.)

Particularly in religious neighborhoods on Shabbat when kids are out in droves, I ended up faced with those aggressive, bold, pushing-the-boundaries little boys again. Not all of them, but gosh. There are some who are real little gremlins.
 
And again, they were kind of scary. There are these types that don’t have personal limits and they revel in seeing how much bad stuff they can get away with.

Anyway, I got married and before I even got pregnant, I thought maybe I should daven to have girls first. I knew almost nothing about taking care of babies and very little about motherhood in general, but I’d been a girl and and I liked girls, so why not start off with girls first?
 
But another part of me said that Hashem knew best. What if the very best thing for me was to have a boy first? Would I really want to miss out on the very best thing for me just because of my anxieties? So I decided not to daven for gender.

And I had a boy!
And I fell head-over-heels in love with him at first sight. I thought he was absolutely the greatest thing that had ever happened to me (and truly, he was) and why hadn’t I gotten married and had a baby much earlier? He was so fabulous.
 
He was also born with this fun-loving innately masculine Alpha male personality (an Eight with a Seven wing, for anyone familiar with the Enneagram). You know, the type that can grow up to be a Green Beret or some other Rambo type? Yeah, that. His way of thinking and behaving is just totally masculine and I mean that in a scientific biological sense, not a stereotypical sense.
 
So he was not only very different than me in general, but totally different than I was as a toddler and preschooler, and so on. And as much as I adored him, he was also a big challenge.
 
And chinuch people and chinuch classes weren’t very helpful about this personality type.
But other mothers and my husband (who himself had been an active and fun-loving child, though not as daring and as much of a natural leader as his son proved to be) were able to tell me that a lot of his behavior was very normal for boys, and this endowed me with a more balanced and positive perspective (both toward him and myself as a mother) than I would have had otherwise.
 
Then I had another boy. And then another. And so on.
 
And I quickly realized that I really need to learn how to deal with Boy World in the best and healthiest manner possible. And while some fellow mothers provided a lot of chizuk and healthy perspective, some did just the opposite. Unfortunately, some women have ugly feminist views that are totally chauvinistic. They think that male chauvinism is evil, but female chauvinism is the emesdikker emes. And even in casual conversation, they denigrate men for no real reason and when talking about their own sons, they also denigrated them and considered them innately inferior—just because of their gender.
 
If you’ve ever looked at your kid for even a moment and thought about their innate potential, “Meh”— or even “Ugh”—then you’ll know that is a horribly depressing mindset. You cannot possibly raise a child in this mindset. It’s so miserable. So those chauvinistic snotty attitudes repulsed me because of that.
 
Secondly, this was exactly what feminists raged at society for doing (although certainly not all parents favored their boys pre-feminism. But the ones that did caused a lot of damage.) So why was it the Height of Evil to do it to girls, but perfectly acceptable to do it to boys?
 
It just all seemed wrong, wrong, wrong, and I avoided these types.

But the good thing that came out of it was that I saw that boys needed appreciation and advocacy too. I mean, we are talking about innocent children with precious potential, regardless of gender.

So it’s hard to say exactly how I changed and all the steps along the way because a lot of it was so subtle. I think the main thing was that I really loved my kids and I wanted to be a good mother, and you can only be a good parent if you see your child’s potential positively (even if the present behavior is sometimes monstrous). And just like there are innately feminine traits that are positive, there are innately masculine traits that are positive.

And also, there are two sides to any coin. Even a trait generally considered negative (like aggression and territoriality) can be used a positive and beneficial way.
 
Then I started noticing that a lot of problems in society are because of feminine traits being used negatively and masculine traits not being used at all.
 
There needs to be a balance of feminine and masculine traits, and both need to be expressed in a positive manner.
 
But the point is that now, I really like and appreciate little boys. And I’m not scared of them anymore. (Well, not usually…) And at this stage, I’ve liked them for years. And I like my own boys and I like their friends. And because of my own boys, I’ve learned how to relate to and deal well with other little boys. But the main thing is…I like them!
 
And I think that this is one of the very precious benefits of being a parent:
You learn to like and appreciate people that you never would have otherwise.
 
The truth is that when you feel repulsed by a group or trait, it’s because of fear or overfocusing on the negative aspects of that group or trait.
 
And ultimately, that fear or negativity stunts you and your own spiritual development.
 
But our children can help us overcome our own negative bias if we let them.

One of the dynamics that pushed me away from official chinuch shitahs (parenting methods) and thrust me into Hashem’s Arms was the increasingly obvious irrelevance of my own skills and shitahs in parenting.
 
In other words, any success I’ve had has more to do with mazal than any effort or bowling-ball-juggling I’ve done.

Meaning, God did it. Not me.

No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't succeed.
 
(“Mazal” is Divinely ordained destiny or Divinely ordained “luck” which can still be changed through certain acts, like moving to a different location, changing your name, changing your deeds for the better, giving tzedakah, and prayer.)

For example, when one son was around fourteen, he came home one day in a strange, discomfiting mood.

Without looking me in the eye, he stated that he no longer believed in God because he just discovered that everything started with a Big Bang.
 
Ironically, I was thrilled. Though he’d reached the wrong conclusion, I took it as a sign that he was starting to really think about things. Furthermore, everything I’d learned over the years, both in science and Judaism, had prepared me for this moment. I’d always read about those off-the-derech kids who had questions, but no one to ask.

But here I was—the kind of parent you could ask! And I had answers!
 
Yet to my dismay, he wasn’t interested in talking to me about it.
 
“But I can explain this!” I said to him. “Let’s sit down and hash it all out. Ask me anything!”
 
He just shook his head.
 
With all my enthusiasm and reading, there was one thing that had never come up: Children don’t necessarily consider their parent the “expert” that the parent may feel him- or herself to be.

Meaning, by the very fact that you are “Mommy,” you may be automatically disqualified from being taken seriously about certain topics, no matter how qualified you actually may be. It depends.
 
At that moment, his younger brother walked in. This younger brother is a year-and-a-half younger than the older brother and they grew up like twins in every way and to this day, still have a very special bond together.
 
“What’s going on?” said Younger Brother.
 
Older Brother told him.
 
Younger Brother’s face broke into a friendly grin and he burst out laughing. “Oh, come on! You don’t really believe that, do you?”
 
Older Brother shrugged and mumbled something, but something in his face changed—a hint of relief, maybe hope. He plopped down on a bimba (those toy riding cars for kindergartners) and started rolling back and forth on it. The younger brother plopped down on another bimba and also started rolling back and forth.
 
In contrast, my conditioning was wagging its finger in my mind and saying things like, “You’re not supposed to laugh at and make fun of people when they come to you with existential questions! And we don’t rock on little plastic riding cars while discussing God’s Existence; we sit at a table with coffee and conduct a proper discussion!”
 
But my personal irrelevance in this matter was so obvious, I decided to honor it by keeping my lips zipped and taking a seat quietly on the side to watch the unfoldings.
 
“Oh, come on!” laughed Younger Brother. “Spit it out! Tell me whatever nonsense you've heard!”
 
Older Brother told him, still mumbling.
 
Younger Brother, still laughing, mocked the concept, using humor and logic, while encouraging Older Brother to keep talking it out.
 
As the discussion went on, Older Brother started brightening and straightening up. Instead of mumbling, he directly challenged Younger Brother.
 
(This was a good sign because it meant that he was realizing that atheism really had no leg to stand on and he no longer needed to fear the doubts these atheistic theories planted within him.)
 
So the exchange continued like this, with Older Brother putting it all on the table and Younger Brother laughing (doubled over at times), good-naturedly jeering, and retorting with compelling refutations.
 
And they rocked and rolled on the bimbas the entire time.
 
Finally, Older Brother was convinced and he rose up off his bimba with a refreshed state of mind: There is a God. All the kofrim and their heresies are a total joke that even a seventh-grader can refute. All is well. Life can continue as it was.
 
And it all had nothing to do with me.

I wasn't a good mother. I was just a lucky mother. And that's all.

I didn’t plan to have my oldest children so close together, nor was I able to make them two boys with such contrasting yet extremely compatible personalities, nor did I create the kind of mind Younger Brother possesses, nor did I create the exact timing of this conversation that enabled Younger Brother to jump in at just the right moment.

Indeed, just the bare fact that Older Brother chose to say anything about his new issue at all is total mazal and had nothing to do with anything I could possibly do.

Some kids keep these doubts to themselves and you never know.
 
In other words, my skills, bright ideas, perceived approachability, and shitahs proved completely irrelevant in the moment of truth.
 
God took over. And good thing He did, because otherwise, things might have turned out very badly.

For example:

• What if Older Brother hadn’t said anything to anyone about his true doubts?
• What if there was no almost-twin brother?
• Or what if there was an almost-twin brother, but they weren’t close?
• And what if there was an almost-twin brother and they were close, but the almost-twin brother didn’t laugh and jeer in the right way? Or did laugh and jeer, but Older Brother didn’t respond well to the laughing and jeering?
• Or what if Younger Brother, rather than laughing and jeering and refuting, suddenly found his own faith shaken by the Big Bang Theory?

 
See what I mean?
 
At the end of the day, the shitahs matter very little.
 
I know many parents who are better parents than (or equally as flawed as) my husband and I, yet they face worse problems with their kids and face problems with several of their kids.

I also know parents who are much worse than us and their kids are turning out with really good middot and frumkeit.
(Maybe some psychological issues, too, but overall, they’re turning out well.)
 
The above exchange is one of many incidences that helped convince me that going according to all these chinuch shitahs (secretly based on pop psychology, BTW) doesn’t guarantee a darn thing. They don’t even necessarily help.

Looking around, I see people following these shitahs to the letter and still having serious problems with their kids. (And feeling battered and frustrated from all the "experts" and shitahs...)
 
Personally, I ran myself into the ground following these shitahs.

And what was the result? I just came away from them with worsening behavior in my children and feeling like I was this profoundly hopeless failure as a mother.

And what good is all that?
 
To really be a good parent, I discovered that one needs to shove one's own ego aside (in a different way than the chinuch experts advise, BTW) and bring Hashem all the way into the picture.
 
The “me,” with whatever skills or traits I have, is actually not so relevant in my child’s life. I’m just a shaliach.
 
Hashem put all our souls together in a certain pattern within specific roles within a particular family unit to enable us to interact and rectify ourselves and each other in a certain way. That’s it in a nutshell.
 
However, our prayers and our own teshuvah are very important and relevant, as are the prayers and teshuvah of all parents for their children.
 
And that’s why I really, really encourage people to turn to Hashem in a very real and open way regarding their children. You know, to just try and see what messages Hashem is giving you via your children, what you need to work on in yourself, and just begging Him for assistance.
 
You can’t set up your child’s life in the way most conducive for that child’s spiritual growth and character development.
 
Only God can do that.

What is “Survivor’s Pride”?
 
It’s when a victim rises up after his or her trauma and says:

“I will NOT be like my abuser!"

"I will not give into my baser nature!"

"I will be different!”

"I will be better!"
 
Survivor’s Pride is the scaling tool victims need to pry themselves out of their pit of trauma and break a possible pattern of abuse.

Well-intended people develop Survivor's Pride after:

• childhood abuse
• coming out of a sick society
• recovering from a traumatic incident
• suffering bullying
• workplace dysfunction
• a terrible teacher
• any number of traumatic experiences

It is also the main way survivors of family abuse become good spouses and parents.

So initially, Survivor's Pride is a GOOD thing.
 
In modern psychology, Survivor’s Pride is seen as a goal of sorts. This is because it’s so necessary and effective in breaking out of trauma and a cycle of abuse.
 
However, it’s like any other form of medication or propulsion.

For example, large doses of vitamin C may be necessary to cure a disease.
Some kind of anesthesia may be necessary to go through surgery.
Pressing the trigger mechanism of a gun propels a bullet out in self-defense, saving your life.

Similarly, an intense dose of Survivor’s Pride may be necessary to propel the person out of the effects of trauma.

But to keep running on Survivor’s Pride eventually leads to what I call “Survivor’s Pitfall.”
 
If a person continues to take large doses of vitamin C beyond what healing dictates, daily anesthesia without surgery, or holds a gun that never stops firing, then their quality of life basically ends.

They end up hurting themselves (or others).

When I was around 7-months pregnant with our first child, my husband and I spent Shabbat as guests in the home of a couple with one five-year-old named “Gitty.”

The mother was a highly intelligent medical professional with an assertive personality.

At one point, Gitty decided she wanted to walk around the table using the seats in which we were sitting. Without further ado, she squeezed her foot into the miniscule space between my husband’s back and the chair’s back, and hoisted herself up.

Startled, my husband scooted forward to give her enough room. (He wasn't comfortable getting all assertive and confrontational with a 5-year-old girl.) She shuffled across his seat, then stretched out her foot to mine. Not wanting to get into a confrontation with the hostess with whom we were trapped for the rest of Shabbat (and who was sitting there pretending not to notice while a satisfied little smile played about her lips) or knock the child off-balance (she was stretched between the two chairs), I also scooted forward.
 
The child made a couple of rounds like this (with my husband growing more and more appalled and me feeling increasingly victimized) before her father noticed and told her to stop while subtly shooting his wife a frown and a muttered inquiry. (Apparently, he felt his wife should have picked up on the daughter’s behavior first because his wife was sitting directly across from and facing us while he was at the head of the table, off to the side.)

“Oh!” said the wife with obvious delight and just as obviously fake surprise. “Come here, Gitty, and sit next to me!” she said pleasantly.
 
Would you do this to your Shabbat guests?

Is that how you treat a pregnant lady?
 
And how do you think my husband felt as the girl placed the dusty soles of her shoes on the bottom back of his Shabbat suit while forcing him to eat on the edge of his chair? How do you think a 7-months pregnant woman feels forced to sit on the edge of a hard chair while eating?
 
And why was this intelligent, assertive, cultured woman behaving this way?
 
Well, I know this woman’s parents and I also know a bit about how she grew up, and her behavior is SO COMMON in people who grew up with...physically abusive parents.

Survivor's Pride goes something like this:

• As an abused child, she realized that constantly threatening or hitting one’s children with a belt is really bad and unnecessary. (This is the first step in Survivor’s Pride and is often experienced at a very young age.)

 

• She resolved not to do it as a parent. (This is the second step.)

 

• But at some point, she realized that she possibly could repeat this terrible behavior herself and needs to actively prevent it. (This is the third step.) Either she saw anger in herself and/or she came across that tired old psych-notion that people who suffered abuse are quite likely to become abusers themselves.

Note: 80% of people abused as children do NOT become abusive parents.
They DON’T.
Yes, abusers were themselves abused. That’s true. Behind every abuser is some kind of abuse. Victimizers were previously victims at one point.
That’s the 20%.
But it doesn’t mean that victims eventually become abusers themselves. The vast majority don’t.
So if you were abused, do you have a higher chance of becoming an abuser yourself?
Yes, you could become one of that 20%.
But it’s much more likely that you’ll be one of the 80%.

Modern psychology has ingrained this idea that if you’ve suffered abuse, it’s like being bitten by a werewolf:

• You’ve been infected and now you’re going to turn into a monster.

Not true.

But because this notion has been flung around so often for so long, people believe in it.

Because any honest self-aware person sees ugly attributes in him- or herself which, if left unbridled, could lead to becoming abusive, people take this notion to heart.

Consequently, it makes people very afraid of their own self, causing them to spend their lives walking on inner eggshells so as not to awaken the monster they’re convinced is secretly inside.  

I’ve seen this more times than I can count.

Anyway, back to this particular woman (and many other survivors of abuse):

• She waits for trigger situations to occur.

(Trigger situations are those that her parents responded to with physical abuse. It could be spilled milk, a dawdling child, a hyperactively overtired child, a crying child, or anything else.)

• And when she’s finally a mother and she finds herself in those same trigger situations and she responds differently (yet another step of Survivor’s Pride), she feels great.
  

• She has overcome her upbringing! Yay! She really IS different than her abusive parents! She has broken the cycle! Her kids are going to be better, too! She did it! Woo-hoo!

And yes, she feels very accomplished. She is soooo proud of herself.

So that’s Survivor’s Pride and how it works.

The problem is that Survivor’s Pride is exactly that: pride.
Gaavah.
Chazal very clearly and repeatedly tell us that God cannot be in the same space as a gaavtan, as one who experiences pride.
(God can’t be in the same space as a liar or flatterer, either.)

In fact, gaavah is so problematic while humility is so ideal that mussar books almost always dedicate entire chapters to either gaavah or humility...or even to both.

In the above example with Gitty's mother, it looks like our hostess was kind of sadistic, right? She’s obviously enjoying our discomfort. She enjoys using her child to torment her helpless guests.

Right?

Nope, that’s not what was going on.

Usually, people in the grip of Survivor’s Pride disassociate a bit.
 
In a trigger situation, they hyperfocus on themselves.

It becomes all about them: their reaction, their victory, their proof of having overcome their “programming” and keeping their imagined inner monster at bay.
 
And while they will say—and sincerely believe—that they are acting in their child’s best interests, it’s just not true.

Yes, they very much want to act in their child's best interests. But at some point, the Pride in Survivor's Pride gets in their way.

At that moment, they are disassociated and their child isn’t really there.
Neither is anybody else.
 
Suddenly, it’s all about them.

"Permissive parenting" isn't the same thing as operating in Survivor's Pride Mode.

Yes, some permissive parents are responding to strict or repressive childhoods.
But in contrast, permissive parents...

• usually don’t really care about their children
• aren’t ever really thinking about them.
• may be unconsciously angry at their children, and so leave them to their own devices.
• can be passive-aggressives who allow their children to act out the parents’ aggressions and annoy the wits out of other people.

 
In contrast, parents acting on Survivor’s Pride think about their children all the time, even obsessively. They are willing to go to great lengths to do whatever they think is best for their children regardless of time, costs, efforts, or anything else.
 
Parents functioning within Survivor’s Pride are constantly competing against the memories of their own parents AND against their own imagined inner monster.

They often don’t realize how foolish or irresponsible they look to outsiders.
They often imagine that observers are secretly amazed at or admiring of their supernatural patience.

I once watched as a mother shuffled around the house with her 12-year-old son attached to her.

He held on to the back of her shirt and didn’t let go. She couldn’t walk normally or faster than he allowed. He continued to hold on even as his mother bent over to pick up a toddler or needed to do things in the kitchen. He wore a foolish smile the whole time and she had that same self-satisfied little smile I saw on the mother of Gitty in the above example.

(Mothers operating under Survivor’s Pride always wear this same little smile when they disassociate in the face of their child's challenging behavior.)

Now, I found this very hard to watch. Personally, I would be going out of mind if one of my kids had attached himself to me—and such an episode wouldn’t last more than a second by me—so it was very difficult to watch it for so long.

But I knew how she'd grown up with a very rage-filled, abusive father and a detached mother, and I understood what was going on in her mind. She was gliding around in the joy and satisfaction of knowing how her parents would've responded to such a child and how much more tolerant and patient she was as a parent. (She'd expressed this kind of thinking on several occasions before.) She was high on the pride of being mitgaber (overcoming a negative character trait).

After her son finally detached himself, she turned to me with a glowing smile.

“Your son is very attached to you, isn’t he?” I said for lack of a better thing to say.

“Oh, he is!” she enthused, bursting with pride and an ear-splitting grin.
 
Well, she and her husband ended up having some unbearably challenging issues with this same child—and some of their other children too. And the challenges just kept going on and on.
 
I’ve seen this with a lot of Survivor’s Pride-oriented parents.
 
That self-satisfied little smile while their kids are going bonkers or screaming or acting like jerks...or while the Survivor's Pride Parent is slaving away, cooking up an exhaustive meal or performing intensive cleaning while sick or about to go into labor.
 
And so on.
 
There are different manifestations of Survivor’s Pride (it depends on what they interpret as the root problem in their dysfunctional family), but as long as they’re operating under Survivor’s Pride, they’re not really focused on what their child needs.
 
While in Survivor’s Pride Mode, the focus is on the parent’s needs.
 
And this will always lead to problems because in chinuch, the focus must be on the child.
And a parent must strive to give that child whatever the child actually needs (not wants, but needs), no matter how challenging that is for the parent.

And you can’t do that while you’re in Survivor’s Pride Mode.

You want to. You're a good person and you really want to give your child what he or she truly needs.

But believe me, you ultimately can't as long as you're cocooned in Survivor's Pride.
 
Even more importantly, God isn’t really with you at that moment that you’re feeling sooo proud of yourself for (yet again!) overcoming your childhood.

If God isn’t really with you, then you can’t have siyata d’Shmaya in raising your child.
_________________
So just to be clear: Survivor’s Pride is a great and necessary tool.

It really is wonderful that you're overcoming your trauma and negative programming.
 
God created Survivor's Pride for your benefit, just like He created vitamin C, anesthesia, and gun triggers.
 
Yet eventually, you need to wean yourself off of it.
 
But how?

The most effective antidote to pride is the acknowledgement of God’s Involvement in every single thing.
 
If you’ve managed to overcome trauma and abuse, it’s because of God’s Compassion toward you. It’s because of His Great Love for you.

It's a sign that God has big plans for you.

You wanted something good—to be a better person than you were raised to be—and Hashem happily helped you along that chosen path.
 
Even more, He imbibed you with that good desire in the first place.
 
In Instilling Humility in Children, Sarah Chana Radcliffe recommends taking pleasure rather than pride in one’s accomplishments.
 
And that sounds about right.
 
Judaism emphasizes joy. God wants you to be happy.
 
So if you accomplish something, it’s very important to say “Baruch Hashem!”
Thank God!
Thank You, God, for enabling me to be different than my parents.
Thank You, God, for enabling me to better.
Thank You, God, for enabling me to achieve my goals.
I feel soooo happy!
I guess You must really like me a lot.
After all, I see that You don’t do this for everyone. You didn’t do it for my parents, for example.
But You’ve done it for me. Wow. Gosh…well, I love You too. Thanks!
 
I felt like I needed to say all this because I’ve seen too many good people stumble while trying their best and juggling all those bowling balls thrust on them by well-meaning Survivor’s Pride.

And these very good people are really suffering as a result.

I hate suffering.

I hate suffering myself and I hate to see other people suffering, especially if they don't really have to.

So to sum up:

• Hitgabrut (Overcoming)? Yes, 100% YES.
• Pride? No.

After the initial boost of Survivor’s Pride, the survivor must switch into Gratitude-Based Survivor’s Pleasure in order to continue the path of becoming an emotionally healthy person and a truly good parent.

The path to Survivor's Pleasure:

• Acknowledge your accomplishments - they're real!
• Take pleasure in your accomplishments.
• Thank God for all the good things you're managing to accomplish.
• Remember: Hashem really loves you and wants you to be both happy and good.

Well, I hope this helps.