Category: Parenting

Rav Chaim Kanievsky as a Devoted & Caring Father

24/3/2022

A wonderful person (N.E.J.) shared a story from Rabbi Dov Brezak's Lifelines about Rav Chaim Kanievsky in his younger years with his young son:

When Rav Kanievsky initially brought his son to kindergarten, the boy struggled to adjust. He cried, not wanting to separate from his father.

So Rav Kanievsky asked the rebbi if it would be a problem if Rav Kanievsky stayed in the kindergarten, quietly learning Torah, until his son adjusted.

The rebbi agreed to the suggestion and Rav Kanievsky ended up learning there every morning for the next 30 days!

At that point, his son no longer feared being in the care of his teacher without his parents and Rav Kanievsky resumed his normal kollel schedule.

(Please also note how it was Rav Kanievsky who brought his son to kindergarten, rather than his dedicated wife. Yes, Rebbetzin Batsheva was a superwoman in the best sense of the term, but no human being can do everything. Only Hashem can do everything perfectly all the time.)

https://chinuch-lifelines.org/
Daily Parenting Tip #424: Dedication Above & Beyond

Why Is It So Important to Tell These Kinds of Stories?

These kinds of stories are important because, unfortunately (albeit with the best of intentions), the frum world went through a phase of praising great Torah Sages in a way that made it seem like these great men neglected their families in favor of Torah study & serving the community.

This left many people with the impression that a truly Torah-dedicated family lives like widows & orphans (albeit with the yoke of a husband & father—meaning, without all the positive aspects a man brings to marriage and family).

It was mistakenly portrayed as the ideal in many articles and lectures.

Unfortunately, it allowed for a certain amount of dysfunction in couples who honestly thought they should live like this, in addition to marriage advisers who also mistakenly thought this was a valid way of living.

And one of the aspects I appreciate in the charedi community is how it self-corrects more than any other group I've ever seen.

Once people became aware of the imbalance in the presentation of our greatest, they sought to correct it by revealing the real behavior of these great people at home.

For more on the behavior of Gedolim at home, please see:

www.myrtlerising.com/blog/rav-ovadia-spent-the-night-learning-in-a-closet-rav-elyashiv-indulged-in-flowery-compliments-what-we-can-learn-from-real-gadolim-by-their-behavior-toward-their-wives

www.myrtlerising.com/blog/whats-the-truth-about-how-great-ultra-orthodox-rabbis-behaved-at-home

What's the Truth about How Great Ultra-Orthodox Rabbis Behaved at Home?

18/10/2021

I just finished reading a gem of a book by Estie Florans called From Their Daughters' Hearts: Daughters of 18 Gedolim Reminisce about Their Fathers.

Many of you probably already read parts of it in Binah magazine or read the entire masterpiece yourselves.

It's a very welcome appearance after all the years much of frum English literature presented a "real" Gadol as aloof, incapable of anything outside of the actual study of Gemara, and not a particularly good or sensitive or even spiritual person (including to his wife & children) — thereby making it seem like being a middot-challenged intellectual was the pinnacle for both aspiring Torah scholars & kollel wives desiring a real ben Torah.

In other words, all brain with very little heart or soul.

(I'm not saying the presentation was accurate, just that it was the presentation.)

Not all literature did this. Some valuable exceptions existed. But the above portrait was indeed bemusingly common for years.

Just as a side point to give the benefit of the doubt:

I think a lot of women's classes & rabbinical biographies (both books & articles) resisted presenting a balanced portrayal of the Torah world's great men because they wanted to provide pushback against the feminist influence (there are better ways to do it) & because they didn't want a wife to use the Gadol's lofty behavior as a weapon against her husband (i.e., "Rav Scheinberg used to wash all the dishes at night without his wife even asking him...so why can't YOU?") or to even feel resentment in her heart (i.e., "When Rav Yisroel Mendel Kaplan's wife felt weak, he tended to the children, including waking up with them at night, and then rocking them to sleep as he learned from his Gemara...but MY husband just SLEEPS!")

But better ways exist to deal with envy & resentment than pretending great rabbis weren't actually so great in their personal lives & character.

Aside from that, there are other reasons why an unbalanced narrative developed & took hold for a while.

But baruch Hashem, the frum world realized this & sought to correct the imbalance with much more realistic portrayals.

And it's great this writer came along to present us with a much more complete picture from a more feminine point of view (along with some of the sons' narratives too).

Bereft Rabbanim: Being Mother, Father...and Rabbi

Reading about the rabbanim who ended up as single fathers made for fascinating & inspiring reading.

Both the Manchester Rosh Yeshivah Rav Yehuda Zev Segal & the Bridder Rebbe Amram Taub of Baltimore lost their wives to illness when they still had children at home.

In fact, his wife's passing left the Bridder Rebbe with 9 orphans from age 2 to 18.

It was heart-warming & awe-inspiring to read how much they both strove to be both mother & father to their children, even as they upheld their high standards of Yiddishkeit (before it became easier to do so) and continued to serve their communities.

Both strove & succeeded in attending to their children's emotional needs as well as their physical needs.

When the Manchester Rosh Yeshivah's 14-year-old daughter let him know she emotionally needed him more at home, he immediately rearranged his schedule to accommodate her, which included meals with her & learning Chumash with her.

(The way the daughter told that story was also humorous.)

Both rabbanim made it a point to prioritize their children before others, regardless of how important or prestigious the others may have been.

In addition to the loss of the Bridder Rebbe's wife & single-parenting 9 children (plus his community work), the Bridder Rebbe struggled against his previous trauma: the murder of his first wife & their 5 children by the Nazis in Czechoslovakia.

He never spoke about his pain from that horrific loss, but one night in Baltimore, his oldest son heard the Rebbe crying out in his sleep, "Antloift, kinder! Antloift, kinder! — Escape, children! Escape, children!"

Nightmares frequently plague Holocaust survivors & one can assume the Rebbe was reliving that horrific moment when the Nazis came after his first family in Czechoslovakia.

But the oldest son was shocked to see how the morning following that nightmare, his father rose to rouse his children with his usual cheerful song: "Oifshtein l'avodas haBorei! — Arise to serve the Creator!"

His eyes sparkled with the same joy they did every morning upon greeting his children.

Their respective chapters reveal so many stirring anecdotes about their humility & genuine love for others, it was incredible to see what heights can be reached in the face of such overwhelming obstacles.

Great Men at Home

Despite even the most superwoman wife's dedication to her rabbinical husband, she can't always do things on her own.

Furthermore, fathers have obligations toward their children, their children's chinuch in particular.

A father can not raise a child properly by ignoring the child.

Here are just a few heart-warming examples of just a few of the rabbanim featured in the book:

Rav Yisroel Mendel Kaplan

Because of his wife's physical weakness resulting from their living circumstances in Shanghai during World War II, Rav Yisroel Mendel Kaplan assisted his wife with the children as much as possible—including at night—and despite the hard physical job he needed to perform after immigrating to Chicago (before meriting a job teaching Torah).

Rav Kaplan remained attentive to his daughters' needs even after they became wives and mothers themselves.

For example, Rav Kaplan:

wouldn't allow a pregnant daughter to bend down while sweeping; instead, he rushed to fetch the dustpan and bend down himself to collect the dirt.

stocked a married daughter's home with the then-luxury of disposable diapers after seeing her use cloth diapers.

would take out his grandchildren when their mother wasn't feeling well or when she needed to tidy the home.

Upon hearing a married daughter tending to a colicky baby at night, he insisted on taking over so this married daughter could sleep.

(Needless to say, he also showered chessed on his sons- and daughters-in-law, but because the book focused on the personal experience of daughters, we hear mostly about the daughters' experiences.)

In fact, the evening before he passed away, Rav Kaplan cared for his pregnant unwell married daughter by wrapping her up in a large down jacket & woolen socks, then serving her hot food.

The next morning, he got up with his grandchildren (who woke at 5 in the morning) so their exhausted mother (his daughter) could rest. He tended to them & fed them — only moments before he passed away (not in front of them) with a book of Tehillim in his hands.

Chessed until the very end.

Rav Avigdor Miller

For years, Rav Avigdor Miller created bedtime stories for his children in order to inculcate Torah values in an appealing way.

One series featured Jewish characters & their imaginary adventures in Africa while another series featured the exploits of a young boy hiding in a forest during the Holocaust, and a tzaddik in a cave.

In general, Rav Miller encouraged women with writing talent to author inspirational fiction & non-fiction to imbue the reader with yirat Shamayim because story creates such a great conduit for instilling values.

During hot summer nights without a fan or air-conditioning, Rav Miller stood over his children to fan them with a piece of cardboard. (This takes exertion & made him hotter as he made his children cooler.)

To help his wife, Rav Miller took their children to the zoo on chol hamoed Pesach, making an enjoyable Torah lesson out of it.

In the summer, Rav Miller took the children berry-picking & exploring — and used nature to teach his children about Hashem's deeds & kindness.

He kept a memorable prize box for his grandchildren while his wife kept an equally memorable nosh box.

When his daughters became grandmothers themselves, he routinely greeted them with, "Hello, Millionaire Bubby!" — to praise them for the children & grandchildren they raised.

Rav Chaim Pinchas & Rebbetzin Basha Scheinberg

After the birth of her own first child, Rebbetzin Basha Scheinberg also nursed the baby of a non-Jewish Polish neighbor who could not manage to do so on her own.

When a bout of pneumonia endangered the life of one of his young daughters, Rav Scheinberg vowed to refrain from speaking on Shabbat. (And she recovered.) Yet he upheld this vow with pleasantness, making it into a game by gesturing to his children what he wanted to say, so they experienced this vow of silence as fun.

Rav Scheinberg often declared "Chessed begins in the kitchen!"

Every morning, Rav Scheinberg gave his children breakfast to allow his wife to sleep longer.

He often washed the dishes, perching a Gemara where he could learn while he scrubbed.

Another time, he realized the weekly task of cleaning the floors for Shabbat might temporarily harm the health of a teenage daughter.

So without evening telling her, Rav Scheinberg made sure he got to work on cleaning the floors before his daughter even woke up.

Rav Elazar Menachem Man Schach

Rav Schach's daughters aren't in the book, but it's intriguing to know that sometimes he answered the door while holding a mop — much to the shock of his students. When his wife was sick, he cleaned the floors & brought her meals.

Rav Moshe Sherer

Rav Moshe Sherer made sure to visit his children at camp outside the official visiting days so he could spend time exclusively with his children without people coming up to talk to him or ask him questions.

At bedtime & during Shabbat afternoons, Rav Sherer invented engaging stories & funny songs about a brother & sister named Pinchikel & Chana Fufeleh.

Rav Aharon Florans (the author's father-in-law)

To assist his wife & create an example for his sons, Rav Florans washed the dishes after Shabbat.

Despite raising a family full of boys, he never raised his voice.

While working full-time, Rav Florans spent weeks up at night caring for each newborn so his wife could get some sleep.

Again, the above doesn't do justice to these great men.

(And the above doesn't even touch on all the Gedolim mentioned in the book — a lot is missing from this post.)

They did so much more chessed & humble heroism than described here.

Also, the book goes into the interactions with compelling detail & dialogue, plus their dealings with others outside their families.

Love, Joy, and Security

Another thread running through all the stories of these 18 Gedolim was the great love & joy permeating their homes.

Whether they expressed their love in words or through actions & facial expressions, their children continuously described feeling extremely valued & cherished, like an only child, and so on.

These rabbanim proved phenomenal listeners with their children — anything the child of any age needed to talk about.

Also, those who ran an open home full of all sorts of guests refused to do so in a way that might endangered their children. Guests were surreptitiously screened under welcoming smiles.

(This point often goes lost amid the stories of hospitality for mentally unwell people. Even the great hosts of the world, the Machlis family in Yerushalayim, took care to maintain an open home in a way that would not risk their children's safety.)

The Effects of Reading about Such Great Fathers

This book imbued me with increased love & appreciation for these great Torah scholars & activists for Am Yisrael.

The entire purpose of such stories should be to affect us positively, and hopefully inspire improvements in our own behaviors.

These portrayals also made me pay increased attention to how much I was focusing on interactions with my own children.

I found myself doing more to give full focus to even simple chatter from a young child & to be even more patient, pleasant, positive, and sensitive.

(Not that I was ignoring or always distracted before, but I'm on a path of continuous improvement, even as I stumble into potholes along the way...)

After all, if some of the greatest Torah scholars of the century related to their children that way, then it must be the correct way to parent & absolutely important.

For more on the behavior of Gedolim at home, please see:

www.myrtlerising.com/blog/rav-ovadia-spent-the-night-learning-in-a-closet-rav-elyashiv-indulged-in-flowery-compliments-what-we-can-learn-from-real-gadolim-by-their-behavior-toward-their-wives

www.myrtlerising.com/blog/rav-chaim-kanievsky-as-a-devoted-caring-father

Some Insights into a Common Parenting Problem Today

22/6/2021

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It's interesting (and disheartening) to see how many of my peers went from young mothers of between 1-3 small children, young women who held sky-high ideals along with a tremendous will to invest ANYTHING chinuch experts insisted would make their children turn out well...

...to middle-age mothers of large families—mothers who are emotionally & physically depleted.

Despite a lot of very sincere effort, most have at least one child (if not more) who isn't doing well spiritually/religiously.

And all the:

running around to different experts to find solutions & a school that is just the right fit
leaping through the hoops of protekzia to meet whatever the parents or experts think are the child's needs
extra doses of love, encouragement, and praise (even to the point of neglecting the other, less problematic children — who somehow do fine without all these seeming extras AND dealing with results of their problematic sibling & parents stretched thin)...

...these kids:

either do not improve at all...
...or they worsen
or they look eternally okay, but behind the scenes, they are propped up by:

their parents (who walk on eggshells around them)
their school (if their school is the supportive tipuli type)
possibly also medication.

In other words, the kids do their teachers and families the big favor of looking externally frum and going through the motions in whichever school they finally end up, but inside, there's not much there.

These kids aren't so connected.

And this is DESPITE how much their parents & schools invested & continue to invest in them, to bolster the child's self-esteem, to make frumkeit enjoyable, etc.

Again, it's important to emphasize that this topic address kids whose parents DID invest in them with incredible flexibility, and who DID attend alternative schools catering to these kids & their issues, and who DID receive outside help/treatment via therapists, chonchim (Big Brother programs), and so on.

The efforts usually did not reap the expected fruits. Not even close.

Why?

Upside-Down Parenting Produces Upside-Down Results

Due to the theories of modern psychology, many people view a problematic teenager as a sure sign that his parents (particularly his mother) were dysfunctional in some serious way.

This is sometimes true.

At one point, I believed this too.

After all, experts detail this theory in a convincing manner.

And proofs of this theory abound as we observe seriously warped teenagers & adults who suffered an abusive upbringing.

But as time went on, it surprised me to see that so many times, the problematic teens were davka the child that the parents (especially the mother) invested in MOST.

This isn't true all the time. But many times it is.

For example, I happened to be visiting a friend with her many children around us.

Suddenly, her teenage boy pulled a mattress into the living room & started somersaulting on it.

His mother responded by oohing and ahhing over his antics.

Knowing her very well over several years, I understood she responded like this to give him positive attention, and not because she felt so enthralled by his somersaulting. (And yes, this is one of two kids in the family with problematic behavior—they have a lot more than 2 kids, but only 2 behave very problematically.)

Look, if a sixteen-year-old boy wants to somersault on a mattress, what's the problem?

It's fine!

They need to blow off steam (especially the super-energetic ones) & somersaults can be a fine way to do this.

But why did he also need his mother's praise and adulation for doing it?

After all, his need was why she was cooing at his antics; she felt compelled for the sake of his "self-esteem."

She was not actually so wowed by a teenage boy somersaulting on a mattress.

And why should she be?

It's understandable behavior, but it's not mature behavior. And it's odd that at his age, he wasn't embarrassed to be doing it in front of someone from outside the family.

But his mother put on a convincing act in the hope that by feeling good about himself (including this silly accomplishment), he'll behave better. (She told me this outright.)

And she felt desperate for him to behave better.

At that point in his life, he regularly ruined Shabbos meals, bullied his younger siblings (including much younger siblings, like his 3-year-old sister), and his father started taking sedatives whenever he knew he needed to be in the same room as this son.

The boy's older sister—an exceptionally emotionally healthy person—quietly removed herself to her bedroom during Shabbos meals because she found her brother's behavior intolerable.

This happened every single Shabbos.

This sister did so quietly because she saw her parents struggling & didn't want them to feel blamed or stressed out more than they already were.

(Isn't it intriguing how this teenage sister found the emotional maturity & sensitivity to handle the situation thoughtfully, but her brother, who was almost the same age & raised by the same wonderful parents, could not bring himself to behave with minimum decency despite copious investment by his parents, therapist, and those who help youth-at-risk?)

At one point, the mother confided that when she read articles on emotional/verbal abuse & signs of abuse, she felt both startled & dismayed to realize that she identified so strongly with the victim, including the signs of co-dependent behavior toward the abuser.

She said these articles exactly describe her situation with her and her son; she felt abused verbally, mentally, and emotionally...by her own son.

And having known them all for so long & having seen this boy in action, I wholeheartedly agreed with her assessment.

Despite all the psychobabble to the contrary, I couldn't deny the stark reality in front of my face: The mother was being victimized by her teenage son.

And his behavior was NOT in response to an abusive upbringing.

As already stated, the parents went out of their way to give their children a calm, loving upbringing.

It was also odd because these parents possessed exemplary middot & enjoyed wonderful shalom bayis. They both genuinely liked & appreciated each other, and both took pleasure in being mevater to each other.

In other words, the parents presented the ideal example of a healthy relationship.

Together, they cultivated a consistent atmosphere of calm & security.

Furthermore, she & I attended the same chinuch class when our children were little and she continued long after I dropped out from despair.

Note: My experience with both books & classes indicate most chinuch teaching does NOT offer effective methods for parenting strong-willed, adventurous, bright, innovative, energetic boys. Not on purpose, but they simply have no clue, nor are they necessarily sympathetic to the very real challenges these otherwise wonderful children present. That's a huge part of the problem. Yes, you can find competent chinuch people—they definitely exist!—but you need to really dig around for them.

Back then, the chinuch teacher continued with her usual thing of giving them both wrong advice & right advice, while not realizing the harm caused by a school all wrong for the child. But the chinuch teacher kept insisting it can all work out if the parents continue to work with the school according to the school's directives.

Note: This approach NOT true. I've seen this too many times to count. If the school is the wrong fit for THAT particular child (or for the whole family), then THAT it usually what spurs a child off the derech later. A negative school experience is the main reason for off-the-derech youth later. Even two really wonderful parents may not be able to counteract a consistently negative school experience. How unfortunate that this chinuch teacher remained clueless at the time.

Furthermore, when their children were still young, my friend's husband took the unusual & very intelligent step of hosting a chinuch class for men in their home.

So it was weird to see such problems with this son, plus another son of theirs who also started acting up.

And I noticed a certain insensitivity in these two sons—the one really difficult boy in particular—not just toward his siblings & parents, but in general. Not sociopathy, but he wasn't so interested in how his behavior affected others.

Outside the family, he never went out of his way to hurt anybody—in fact, I don't think he ever hurt anyone outside the family—and he liked being around people. But I sensed a certain disconnect in him, even though he was also sociable boy.

In addition, both boys always came off as a little immature for their age from the time they were young.

Meaning, when they were six, they were somewhat immature for a six-year-old. When they were 10, they were somewhat immature for a 10-year-old. When they were 15, they were somewhat immature for a 15-year-old.

Right now, after years & years of superhuman efforts, these 2 sons are on either side of age 20 and doing okay.

Just kind of okay. Not more than that. (And still a little bit immature for each of their ages.)

And just to drive the point home, this state of "kind of okay" comes despite:

a calm, consistent upbringing
parents (particularly the mother) who performed incredible feats for YEARS (including through numerous pregnancies & nursing babies) to find the right parenting method
the hunt for & investment in schools, mentors, and programs for the wayward sons

Ironically, despite having parents stretched to the limit & focusing so heavily on one child in particular, a father sometimes on sedatives due to his son's intolerable behavior, and an aggressive bullying older brother who regularly disrupted pleasant family events, the rest of the kids are turning out pretty well!

Again: Throughout all this, their numerous other kids have been doing very well.

Yes!

Isn't that illogical?

People understandably don't like to hear stories like this because it feels so wrong.

It's not fair.

And you know what?

It's really NOT fair.

And it also brings up feelings of despair because you start to think that if all that effort didn't work, then maybe nothing does...so what's the point of it all?

However, there is no cause for despair.

This particular problem comes when parents run very hard in the wrong direction.

(And this is easy to do when you have chinuch teachers & authors unwittingly advising parents to run very hard in the wrong direction.)

Doing It Right—No More Indulging Ego or Emotions (Even With The Best of Intentions)

Let's go back to my wonderful friend & her wonderful husband.

As described above, she invested tremendous energy & effort in her children.

Here's a specific example:

When their 2 boys were young, her husband disliked taking them to shul on Shabbos.

Admittedly, it's tremendously hard to manage the davening with 1 young son, let alone two.

It was a big unwieldy yoke on him (and understandably so).

Yet it is absolutely his tafkid to teach his sons to daven and to daven in a minyan!

That's the male role and it is HIS role to teach them this.

A mother cannot do this.

But neither my friend nor her husband realized this.

(Again, HE at least should've realized this from his learning. But socially & culturally, this idea isn't around—unless you happen to listen the minority of rabbis who discuss it according to real daat Torah.)

So despite the inconvenience among her other myriad duties, my friend knocked herself out by creating a special bag of treats (which entailed inconvenient shopping while pregnant & nursing, and with numerous young children). The special bag was huge & stuffed with treats specially picked according to their taste, and featured bows and ribbons.

She beamed with pride as she showed the bags to me while her eyes glowed with expectation.

She presented them to her sons with a huge smile and an excited tone of voice.

In the meantime, her glum-looking husband shepherded them out the door with the fancy treat bags.

She did this kind of very well-intentioned encouragement a lot.

Yet these 2 boys didn't like davening.

Even long after bar mitzvah, they often stayed home on Shabbat rather than go to a minyan. I'm not sure they even davened on their own in those times.

As far as I know, they never learned to like davening.

The boys didn't like learning either, despite the fact that their father loved learning and was quite a knowledgeable masmid.

Their resistance toward school & davening developed into the primary source stress in the family, though both the parents have such good middot, it didn't flare up like it does in other families.

Even now, neither likes learning or davening, but the combined efforts of their parents, mechanchim, and therapists over the years enable them to go through the motions.

Interestingly, my friend & her husband have another young son now at the age where he needs to learn to go to daven with his father on Shabbos.

And this son is not only energetic (like his older brothers), but bold, confident, and savvy (unlike his older brothers). He also has an aggressive streak that his older brothers lacked at his age.

Yet despite how this younger brother should be a harder child to train, it's a totally different ballgame now.

Why? Why are things so different?

Why are they succeeding with the objectively more difficult child, when they did not succeed with the easier children?

First of all, the father finally got involved in his obligatory chinuch.

He stepped out of his former role as "mommy's helper," and took on a more proactive role as head of the home (although he is indeed still a helpful husband, but he is now more than that).

And the mother finally released these particular reins to the father—especially important when the chinuch involves something ONLY the father can do! A mother cannot be mechanech her sons about going to minyan, how to behave in shul, and so on.

(I don't mean widows, who often receive a special siyata d'Shmaya due to the loss orchestrated by Hashem. But they still struggle with this & often depend on other men to train her boys to daven. I mean married women who have a husband around to mechanech the boys. Hashem gave them a father in their home. That's what the father is there for: chinuch.)

Yes, the mother can assist in this particular aspect of chinuch. She should definitely be supportive.

But it's really the father's arena.

(This is why you see with boys off the derech that the vast majority—in addition to negative school experiences—grew up with fathers who never learned to mechanech them about davening. Either the fathers were too tough & angry or they were apathetic. Either way, there was no real chinuch about davening.)

So how do things go now?

First, before the father goes off to learn, the father leans down to his son and, in a very soft voice with an "I'm-not-kidding" face, his father says that he'll be coming back in however much time to take the boy to daven and the boy needs to be ready.

Wisely, the father doesn't smile, cajole, or speak in an excited tone of voice.

He doesn't look glum or reluctant either.

He looks determined & committed.

Then the father looks over the boy's head to the mother, and she nods.

(While the father presented it as the boy's responsibility, it's still good for the mother to support it and prompt the boy so he'll be ready when his father returns. And she does. So that's their silent way of making sure they're both in the game.)

Because she's both emotionally & physically worn out at this point, my friend no longer has the energy to make davening in shul seem full of allure & excitement.

(Though she meant well, it was always a deception anyway because until a person matures enough to understand the power of davening in a minyan, it feels neither alluring nor exciting—though some children do naturally enjoy the experience—and making it seem what it isn't often doesn't work. The kid gets all excited and then...oh. Meh. Let-down occurs.)

So at the appointed time, she pleasantly reminds the boy that his father will be home soon to take him and that he needs to get ready.

Though her voice remains soft & pleasant, it conveys a firm undertone.

I was impressed by the way this assertive, fearless boy looked at his parents with respect each time they spoke to him in this manner.

When his father came, he addressed the boy in a quiet, pleasant, yet no-nonsense manner.

And the boy went! And he went willingly.

This kind of calm & no-frills yet no-nonsense determined approach works wonderfully with these bold, energetic, assertive boys.

Naturally, we have no idea how he'll be when he hits his teens.

But as far as his shul attendance goes, he is already doing so much better than his older brothers ever did at any age.

And knowing the parents as I do, I feel strongly that the shift has to do with the shift in the parents' roles.

Rather than the mother being the mover & shaker behind her son's davening chinuch, it now comes from the father — as it should.

(Logically, it makes no sense that the davening chinuch can come from the mother only. Davening in a minyan is a uniquely male mitzvah that demands the full devotion of the father.)

So the mother is no longer the head honcho with the husband relegated to being the reluctant tag-along to his sons' davening chinuch.

(That's how it initially as each parent unconsciously fell into the wrong role.)

Now the father has taken his son's davening chinuch firmly by the reins. He guides his son regarding davening in shul and the mother plays the all-important supporting role.

(And this is all by spoken mutual agreement.)

And they're doing it successfully without all the song and dance of the earlier years.

Why? Because this way WORKS.

It's meant to work. That's the spiritual physics.

And it shows how wonderful the parents truly are in their willingness to step out of their comfort zones for the benefit of their children. These changes aren't easy to make, yet both parents made them.

It's a very beautiful & inspiring thing to see.

(And just to emphasize a point misunderstood by many new parents: Too much enthusiasm & bribing implies that a particular mitzvah or activity is neither pleasant nor important on its own. This is a common method nowadays, and I initially also did it with my children when I thought it would be beneficial. Encouragement or a little bit of enticement can be very positive. But if you do too much too often, the opposite result occurs. Ask me how I know...)

Basic Points to Keep in Mind

Equally important, the parents also switched their later boys out of the school attended by their older brothers & placed them in a school much more suitable for their family.

(They did the same for their girls, which immediately cured one of their girls of an emotionally based issue she exhibited before the switch.)

Both school systems are mainstream chareidi, by the way. But different styles & approaches exist, even within the seemingly monolithic charedi community.

Finding the right fit for one's child is essential. (And it doesn't need to be mainstream charedi either. It really depends on what's best for that child.)

But when a better school choice is not possible—and sometimes it isn't—it's important to realize that nisayon is from Hashem, much like death or disability or an extreme financial situation are nisayonot from Hashem. In such a case, a focus on bitachon & davening helps.

So that concludes some insights into a parenting problem common today, and the possible solutions.

To recap:

Fathers must fulfill their halachically obligated role.

Fathers cannot relinquish their halachic role (even with the mother enthusiastic & confident encouragement) and expect a halachically desirable result.

Mothers need to support & value their husband's halachic role just as much as they respect & value their own maternal halachic role in chinuch.

School choice plays an overwhelming role in how children turn out.

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What You Need to Know about Motorcycle Mania

23/5/2021

Erev Shavuot (May 16, 2021), a group of motorcycle-riding boys decided to join another group of around 10 motorcycling boys to go to a motorcycle track.

FYI: At a motorcycle track, young motorcyclists try out different stunts and ride around a circular track repeatedly for hours. (Yes, it's pretty meaningless. And not really in the spirit of getting ready for Matan Torah either.)

However, one group decided they wished to first dip in a natural mikveh in honor of the upcoming chag.

(This group included the God-fearing motorcyclist written about here: a-true-anecdote-of-how-hashem-helps-with-yeshivah-kosher-cell-phones-and-nice-people.html)

Upon arriving at the hill spring in which they wished to immerse, they discovered it packed with people. Maybe that also made it less safe & produced modesty issues, not sure. Anyway, they decided to forgo the immersion and catch up with the other group that skipped the mikveh detour to head straight to the motorcycle track.

So they sped off from the hill spring toward the motorcycle track, where they planned to meet the other group.

As they went around a curve in the road, they encountered a policeman directing traffic away from an ambulance, whose paramedics were, to their horror, loading most of their friend's body (which they recognized from his motorcycle suit) into the ambulance.

This injured young man lead the non-mikveh motorcyclists. He took a curve too fast, which caused an accident and, leaving out the gory details, his body did not remain in one piece.

At that point, he was still alive, but unconscious.

This delayed group swung over to the initial group, who were sitting in a lot near the road.

The rider immediately following the lead motorcyclist suffered a minor injury because he could not stop in time to completely avoid the leader's flying parts & motorcycle, but everyone else was okay physically.

Because they'd all been zooming along at around 100 kph/62 mph, they could not slow down in time to attend to their friend, nor could they immediately U-turn due to traffic coming from the opposite lane.

Yes, they called the ambulance, but that was all they could do.

Needless to say, no one even thought of continuing to the track.

Very concerned & traumatized about their severely injured friend, the group which experienced the accident simply left all their motorcycles in the lot off the road & hitchhiked back home.

The other group returned to their homes riding verrrrry slowly.

The injured young man regained consciousness at one point, but the medical staff was ultimately unable to save his life.

Throughout Shavuot, the friends from the mikveh-group stayed up all night to recite Tikkun Shavuot & learn Gemara in their now-deceased friend's merit.

The funeral was held Motza'ei Shavuot.

Heartbreakingly, in addition to the sudden loss of their son & brother, Shavuot will never be the same for his family.

Just Wanting to Do a Mitzvah Gives You Something

One aspect seen from the above tragic story is that just wanting to do a mitzvah matters.

Judaism says that if you sincerely mean to do a mitzvah, but are prevented from actualizing it, it is considered in Shamayim as if you actually fulfilled the mitzvah.

The group of boys who intended to immerse in the natural mikveh were saved from being at the actual accident. Maybe they were also saved from being harmed in the accident too. Who knows?

Even though they ultimately did not immerse, they sincerely intended too & prioritized that before the meaningless motorcycle track excursion.

Beware of Motorcycle Mania

Another lesson here concerns the motorcycle culture.

Initially, I didn't realize there was a whole culture built up around motorcycles.

Yeah, I knew about motorcycle gangs & Harley Davidsons. But I'd no inkling there existed a whole general motorcycle subculture, similar to a gamer subculture or a drug subculture.

A lot of young men in Europe & Israel start with motorcycles because they're cheaper & easier than cars.

Meaning, attaining a drivers license, buying a motorcycle, and paying for gas—it's all cheaper & easier than doing the same for a car.

But there's this whole motorcycle culture that leads to obsession similar to a drug or gaming addiction.

These motorcycle addicts spend every free minute on their motorcycle.

They wake up, grab their helmet & whatever else they need, and make a beeline out of the house.

If you need any kind of help from them (or even just a word with them), even to take out the garbage on their way out, they refuse & just keep on going. (If you insist, they get very irritable, just like addicts when you try to communicate or get them to carry out their most minimal responsibilities.)

They stop learning and working just to spend entire days going round & round a track.

They invest tons of money in decals & accessories.

Those 100% kangaroo-leather motorcycle suits cost at least 6000 NIS new, 2000 NIS second-hand—or more.

Some guys invest in more than one suit.

Most of them acquire several really nifty (and expensive) helmets.

One young man stopped working & burned through all his savings buying stuff for his motorcycling obsession—until he suffered an accident that nearly killed him, but fortunately only resulted in temporary injury (written about here: what-it-looks-like-when-hashem-expands-your-tiny-opening-to-the-size-of-a-banquet-hall.html ).

And you hear tons of stories about young men injured in motorcycle accidents, injured very badly, and even killed.

The special suits save lives & prevent injuries, but they aren't foolproof, as shown in the sad story above.

Not to mention, when a motorcycle & its rider go flying or skidding, this endangers any other pedestrians or vehicles in the immediate vicinity.

So it's very nice that they invest so much in protective gear for themselves, but because they like to go so fast & take other risks while riding, they still end up endangering themselves and others.

Like those immersed in other addictions & obsessions, the motorcycle manics blow off the risks ("That won't happen to me;" "It's not so bad"), only thinking about their own enjoyment (regardless of who gets hurt or even killed).

How to Prevent Motorcycle Mania—and What To Do When You Can't

It's not always possible to tell a young adult (i.e., teenager & twentysomething) what to do or to make them do what's best for them.

So if you see your son or another young man starting up with the whole motorcycle thing, you should try your best to nip it in the bud.

As noted above, it often starts off innocently, like it's just a way to achieve more mobile independence more cheaply & easily than a car.

But it turns pretty fast.

Once they're into the motorcycle culture, it seems impossible to get them out.

By the way, they can be doing this while still attending yeshivah, dressing in black and white, and so on. Even if the frummer ones don't get as immersed in the culture as the others, they still get obsessive. They need to constantly go out and drive in that stupid circle for hours Erev Shabbat & Erev Chag. And again, they can respond with a lot of resistance & irritability if you merely ask them to postpone their riding (let alone ask them to stop completely).

Like noted above, even delaying them by one minute to take out the garbage meets with resistance & irritability.

They either need to get tired of motorcycling (which can take years) or they get into an accident (sometimes more than once) before they manage to extract themselves from the whole soul-sucking culture.

I don't mean to pressure anyone.

I know that so many "experts" and others believe that parents have some kind of secret ability to exert control over their teens & 20somethings—and if a parent doesn't manage to control them, then many "experts" (and naïve others) believe that means the parent refuses to access this imaginary secret ability. And thus, this means the parent does not care about the child and is clearly a terrible heartless parent!

Because if it was TRULY important to the parents, they would FIND a way to convince their young adult child to do WHATEVER the parents want! So if they can't manage to succeed no matter how hard they try, then that means they're awful uncaring parents. This is true even when one of the parents actually is pretty awful—the other parent is responsible for not completely nullifying the dysfunctional parent's harmful influence on the child, in addition to everything else. [sarc]

But I realize that parents don't necessarily have any way to control or meaningfully influence a wayward young adult child if that young adult child doesn't want them to.

So this is just an "if you can" and also to keep an eye out for the beginning of the obsession (which starts out so innocently) so if possible, you can nip it in the bud. (Because I don't think this obsession is well-known.)

And by the way—not just parents! A friend or other family member sometimes succeeds where the parents don't. So if you see it, try to stop it if you can.

And if you cannot stop it practically, davening really does help!

One young man who refused to listen to his parents merited being spoken to by another person whose opinion he cared about more, and thus he tore up his motorcycle license application.

(Again, the link to how davening helped one obsessed motorcyclist & his distraught parents: http://www.myrtlerising.com/blog/what-it-looks-like-when-hashem-expands-your-tiny-opening-to-the-size-of-a-banquet-hall. Scroll down to "Turning to Hashem Mashes Motorcycle Mania.")

Wishing everyone lots of bracha & hatzlacha, and that we all merit to invest in meaningful activities.

A Life-Saving Q&A with Rabbi Shimon Gruen: What If You Don't Like Your Child?

16/3/2021

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In Rabbi Shimon Gruen's weekly email Torah Lessons for the Home: Parshas Terumah 5781, he presents a meaningful question from a struggling mother:

What if you don't like your children?

Yes, you probably love them. But what if you don't like them (whether one or all)?

Over the years, I noticed that in every family, there is at least 1 child to whom the parent finds very hard to relate.

If you have 2 kids, then it will be one of them.

If you have 10 kids, then it will be at least one of them.

And if you have one child? Well, it shocked me to realize how many only children suffer lots of friction or emotional distance from either their mother or their father.

Certainly, it doesn't always happen. But I've seen it happen a lot.

As one only child (secular Jewish mother, non-Jewish father, secular Jewish stepfather) described, "I could understand my mother if she had other children. But I'm all she has. So why not try harder to develop a relationship with me, even if she can't relate to me so much—because after all, I'm all she's got?"

Sometimes, it's the same child for both parents. Other times, one child presents a challenge for the mother while another child presents a challenge for the father.

Sometimes it manifests in a particular age the parent finds difficult.

For example, some women dread the first 4 months of dealing with an infant more than they dread giving birth, and feel much relief when the child turns into a toddler. Others love the baby months, but feel miserable dealing with toddlers or small children. And others dread the teen years. And so on. (This is all normal, by the way.)

Sometimes, it's based on gender. Traditionally, the focus has been on those who favor a boy over a girl. But I've seen several cases in which mothers who dislike men bring that into her parenting by disdaining her son.

(Interestingly, parents who favor a child based on gender rarely feel bad about this. They admit it outright, sometimes even with pride or an attitude that it's self-evident to love more or less according to gender. I'm not into people feeling bad, but whether a parent dislikes a child for being a girl or a boy, it actually is a problem and should be dealt with in a compassionate manner, rather than being justified or ignored.)

Sometimes, it's obvious to all why the parent struggles with that child; the child is objectively challenging.

Yet other times, it's the sweet, quiet, thoughtful child who continuously drives the mother out of her mind—for no apparent reason.

As one mother of such a child told me, "Because I'm insecure, his insecurity makes me feel worse."

She favored her energetic rambunctious son over the sweet, obedient one.

The odd thing was...her sweet quiet son wasn't insecure!

Yes, she saw him that way. But he wasn't actually how she viewed him.

Seeing this dynamic repeatedly made me realize that Hashem created families in a way that a parent will find at least one child very challenging—and dealing with that challenge is exactly what helps a person grow.

In fact, mothers have told me that when they worked on liking the child they related to the least, they found themselves liking other people with that child's personality—people they either did not like or could not relate to before.

In other words, the child most personally challenging to the mother paradoxically became the catalyst for the mother's increased ahavat Yisrael in general.

This is a wonderfully positive outcome of being honest with yourself about your true—albeit initially negative—feelings toward a child, which allows you to get to work in that area, which then reaps unexpectedly positive results.

Another friend accidently admitted that she could not see any positive qualities in any of her kids' personalities, except for one positive quality in one child (tactfulness).

Occasionally, one parent behaves in a way that places a wedge between the other parent and one or more of the children (bad-mouthing the other parent, siding with the child against the other parent, rewarding difficult behavior—such as crying, insulting, tantrums, chutzpah, tattling, physical aggression, etc., which makes the child extremely unpleasant for the other parent to deal with).

Anyway, because such feelings are taboo in society, plus mothers themselves feel terribly ashamed of such feelings, it's hard to get help.

This presents an odd paradox because the surrounding secular society demeans (and even subtly discourages) family, family values, children, motherhood, consistently focusing on the negative aspects (while occasionally offering lip service to the positives of parenthood)...yet this same society looks down on a mother who doesn't like her child.

And it's hard to even admit to oneself that one doesn't really like one child, let alone all or most of them.

Furthermore, not everyone responds well if you confide this to them.

Yet if a parent feels this way, it's important to address the issue WITHOUT self-flagellation, toxic shame, and all that negative static.

Personally, I don't see a need to look down on a parent for such feelings (especially since the parent really doesn't want to feel this way & is unpleasantly taken by surprise by the negative feelings).

But if the parent refuses to deal with the issue and instead treats the child badly or neglectfully without trying to improve the situation? Well then...hmm.

Fortunately, Rabbi Shimon Gruen brilliantly & compassionately addressed the issue of a mother who finds it difficult to like her children. The question & answer (used with his permission) are presented in full here:

Question

Dear Rabbi Gruen,

I have a very short question, yet it really affects every part of my Chinuch Habonim.

It’s not something I’m proud to say, yet I wonder if I’m the only one who’s feeling this way, or simply the only brave enough to admit it to myself, and present it in an anonymous forum.

I honestly find it difficult to like my children.

I find them annoying and bothersome, and not at all enjoyable or likeable. I once heard someone mention the difficulty of liking the people you love, and I can really relate to it.

Of course I love my children, but so often I have this feeling of them being so unlikeable, if you know what I mean. Is there anything you can tell me that will help me out?

Maybe there are others who will benefit from hearing your response on this as well.

Thanks in advance.

Answer

I will start by affirming your letter, you are definitely definitely not the only one not the only one who sometimes feels this way.

While others may experience such feelings, many people wouldn’t address it and therefore leave these negative feelings resolved.

As unfortunate and sad as this might be to acknowledge, it is still important to be aware of our feelings.

Trying to deny them or bury them won’t be helpful to anyone. Knowing the problem is half the solution.

Additionally, when we are open about the way we feel, we often learn that we are not the only one experiencing an issue, and we might find support and/or help from others who are going through, or have gone through, the same thing.

•

It’s interesting to note that we have quite a bit of autonomy when it comes to choosing certain people that we are surrounded with. We get to pick friends, vet neighbors, and choose country-mates. In fact, in some sense, we even have a choice when we decide upon a spouse! But when it comes to our kids, we have no choice.

That is because as much as we’d like to enjoy our children and see nachas from them, that was not what they were made for.

As much as we daven and plead for nachas from our children and that we should be able to take pride in the way they turn out, it is not something that we can always acquire.

In fact, many people never get to be proud of their children, no matter the efforts they pour into them!

Raising children is a responsibility, and while we hope and pray that it will be gratifying and fulfilling, it isn’t about the profits or the gains. It’s about putting in the work.

The outcome isn’t up to us, and doesn’t even matter, because the whole point of being a parent is to perfect our middos and become better people.

This might sound a bit idealistic, but it’s the truth.

•

Often, when a parent feels negative emotions towards their child, it is because the child failed to live up to the parent’s expectations of him. We expect to see returns from our hard work, and when they fall short, we love them less.

Remember that you are not spending time with your child so that you can enjoy yourself.

Even if you find every moment agonizing and annoying, it is still part of your job. It is your responsibility to build your child up and give him a good atmosphere, and your interpretation of the experience doesn’t even factor into the equation.

•

But it generally doesn’t end at fulfilling your obligations.

Giving breeds love, and the more you give to your child – selflessly – the more you will come to like him.

It doesn’t mean giving in to your child’s every whim, but it does mean giving away from yourself.

We sometimes might wonder why we love babies so much. We don’t realize that babies take a lot out of us, and we give to them without expecting much in return. After all, they’re just babies! Because of the selfless nature of our giving, it is so easy to love them.

As kids grow up, they need us less and less as they learn to be more independent, and thus, we have less opportunities to give to them.

We can see this a lot by parents of special needs children. They will often admit to loving their special needs child more than they have ever loved any of their kids.

Why is that?

Because they don’t expect anything from these kids. They have complete clarity over what their role with this child is and so they give and give and give.

It’s also possible that they don’t blame themselves for their child’s deficiency, whereas when there is a different kind of disappointment, some parents do blame themselves.

•

When a person is looking for ways only to gratify himself, he will find many things difficult.

But if he lives his life in the context of serving Hashem, his lifestyle will be completely different.

If we would sit inside the succah for our own pleasure, we can find 100 reasons to complain. It’s hot, it’s cold, it’s cramped, it’s wet. When we go inside the succah because we want to serve Hashem as He has commanded us, we enter feeling privileged and excited to be able to do this mitzvah.

It isn’t about attaining super lofty madreigos; it’s just about a mindset switch.

What am I doing here, and why?

When you understand that your children were given to you as part of your avodas Hashem, and not as “nachas machines”, raising them will turn into an entirely different experience.

Children help us work on our middos, teach us to be givers, help us practice our patience.

The Gemara says that a parent is an “oseh tzedakah b’chol eis” – one who does good deeds all the time.

Giving a bottle to a child, listening to a long and winded report of his day, or driving him to a friend’s house, all of that is part of our exalted avodah.

When our goal is to give, not to get, we develop a newfound appreciation and love for our children.

•

Another way to accomplish this would be to focus on our children’s attributes.

Don’t make your affection dependent on their good qualities, but do yourself a favor and remind yourself often of what it is that makes your child special.

Of course, all this is often easier said than done, especially when we are granted children who are especially challenging.

We need to be very careful, though, never to be ashamed of our children.

Children should never feel like their parents are disappointed in them or that they’re constantly being compared to others.

They are not equipped to handle such feelings.

Moreover, the ones that you think cause you the most embarrassment, might be the very ones that need you on their side the most and the ones who will help you reach your ultimate tachlis.

•

If you sit around waiting for your child to bring you nachas so that you can then finally find it in your heart to love him, you are essentially killing the messenger.

Most kids can only grow into their best selves once they feel accepted and loved by their parents.

When you are willing to put in the work, no matter what the outcome will be, you will often be surprised by the positive results.

When we will view our children through the lens of our avodas Hashem, it will help us approach parenting the right way.

With Hashem’s help, we will then merit to see much nachas from them gezunterheit.

With best wishes,
Rabbi Shimon Gruen

To contact Rabbi Gruen please call 718.841.6557 or e-mail rabbigruen@lehair.org

To subscribe to receive the weekly essay, please email parshalessons@lehair.org

Website: www.lehair.org

Please feel free to send any questions, on this topic or any topic to rabbigruen@lehair.org

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A Segulah for Producing Daughters, Plus How Rav Kanievsky Solved the Mystery of the Segulah that Seemed Not to Work

20/1/2021

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After having 3 boys, my friend's husband went to a rav to ask if there's a segulah for having girls.

The rav answered yes—use dry wine rather than sweet for Havdalah.

So they started making Havdalah over dry wine.

Then with a beaming smile, my friend said, "And our fourth was a girl!"

The Mystery of the Segulah that Seemed Not to Work

I've no idea of the segulah's source, but maybe it's because daughters tend to bring more sweetness to life and when you don't use sweet wine at Havdalah, Hashem decides to add more sweetness on His own?

No idea. I made that up. (And anyway, boys can also be sweet—I mean, at least when they're not bringing home mud, ripped pants, scratches, bruises, or scorpions, and the like...)

Anyway, a father of boys went to Rav Kanievsky to elicit a blessing for a daughter, and Rav Kanievsky recommended the above segulah.

After 2 years, the man returned to Rav Kanievsky to report that since then, Hashem continues to bless them with sons, not daughters.

"Yayin nesech," replied Rav Kanievsky—wine handled improperly, making it halachically prohibited for drinking.

The answer startled the father because he & his family were very frum people committed to Jewish Law.

However, they frequently made Havdalah at the home of his wife's father.

So this father of boys contacted his father-in-law to ask about the handling of the wine used for Havdalah and discovered that, indeed, this father of boys had unknowingly been using yayin nesach for Havdalah.

Hopefully, with their newfound knowledge (and newly bought & guarded dry wine), they'll be making a kiddush rather than a brit milah in the upcoming future!

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Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Vayechi: How to be Perfectly Peculiar—And Why You Really SHOULD be Perfectly Peculiar

31/12/2020

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In this week's dvar Torah by Rav Avigdor Miller, Parshat Vayechi: Personalities & Growth, he discusses how on Yaakov Avinu's deathbed, Yaakov Avinu notes how different each of his numerous sons are from one another.

Then Rav Miller cites Gemara Pesachim 56a, which mentions a man who went around saying, "I want to live along the coast."

He loved the seashore so much, he dreamed of building a home by the sea when he retired.

When they looked into why he loved the sea so much, they discovered this man descended from Zevulun, which was the sea-faring Tribe. Hashem ingrained within Bnei Zevulun a love for the ocean.

Another man went around saying, "Donu dini – Judge my case."

Whenever there was a disagreement between this man and another, he wasn't interested in arbitration or compromise; he wanted the crystalline verdict: Who's right? Who's wrong? And what must be done now?

He said "Donu dini" so often that they checked into his lineage and discovered what you probably already guessed: "Donu dini" descended from the Tribe of Dan.

Rav Miller explains about the inner make-up of Bnei Dan (pg. 5):

It’s a family that doesn’t believe in leeway, in bargaining and arbitration.

Shevet Dan was rigid; others might be more flexible, they’re not such sticklers for din, but the family of Dan liked that everything should be according to the strict letter of justice. It was a characteristic of the entire family.

That’s why there are people like that today too; they don’t like to deviate at all.

Even little children sometimes are born that way; it’s their nature to follow rules. It used to be in Europe, in Yiddish, we used to call a child like that a “zakonik.”

Zakon in Russian means law; a zakonik is a child who likes the law.

If you tell him once to close the door when he walks out, he’ll always remember that.

I remember I once saw a child like that. You told him once when he was a little baby of three years old, “Don’t forget to close the door,” and after that he never forgot.

It was in his nature.

I always love hearing about this different personalities characteristics of Tribes.

I even crave it.

I think it's because it's proof that different natures really are ordained by Hashem, so it follows that even if your society disapproves, Hashem Himself approves.

Meaning, Hashem Himself WANTS us to be this way or that way—used for the good, of course.

I think this helps access Divine Love. Hashem really does like YOU.

We are Not the Religion of Cloning

Every society idealizes certain personalities while disapproving of other personalities.

But that's all wrong.

It's what you DO with your personality that matters.

Every trait can be used for the good or the bad.

Allowing your child to be him or herself became a big issue in chinuch—and rightly so.

But what initially broke me (and I still remain dismayed by this) is how the chinuch people tend to expect mothers to be clones.

NOT all of them expect this. Definitely not all of them. There are chinuch people with genuine wisdom & insight.

But what I initially encountered made me feel like there's only one right way to be a mother.

And that one way always happened to be exactly the same way as the chinuch rebbetzin herself.

(It's obvious that was never intentional, but simply how they naturally felt.)

But that's 100% NOT true.

There is not only one way.

That's a recipe for disaster.

It's All Cramped & Dark Stuffed Inside the Mommy-Mold

For example, people have different sleep needs.

I have a friend who absolutely NEEDS 9 hours of sleep.

Even if she sleeps 8 hours at night, she still craves a short nap during the day.

So she needs to work around the need in life and sleep always remained one of her top priorities—even more than food.

And that's fine. That's her physiology. How on earth could she possibly change it?

She can't.

Others are energetic to the point they're bouncing off the walls, while others find it hard to get off the couch—and then there's everyone between those 2 extremes.

And that's just the basic unchangeable physiology of a human being.

Another example:

A wife with a competent, helpful husband experiences a different life with different resources than a wife with an unhelpful, demanding husband.

Also, the children's personalities define the home.

I know people insist that the mother decides the atmosphere of the home, but you can't compare a home of naturally hyper children to a home of naturally calm ones.

(I wrote more about that HERE.)

It's really the children who define the atmosphere of the home.

And because, no matter how hard I tried, I could never wedge myself deep enough into their mommy-mold, I mostly gave up listening to or reading chinuch lectures & books—with a few exceptions, of course.

Thank God for the exceptions!

And I more or less went the way Rav Shalom Arush writes in Garden of Education.

And I've been winging it ever since!

Anyway...

I think that reading about the different qualities of the Tribes offers a lot of comfort & chizuk (encouragement).

Not only is it okay to be different—even extremely different—from each other, but it is even DESIRABLE.

We literally & spiritually NEED to be different from each other!

That's exactly how Hashem set things up in the first place.

Here's Rav Miller again on page 6 (emphasis mine):

If I happen to think one way, it may be something that you cannot change in me; it may be built in into my nature.

Just as Zevulun loved the sea, and Dan loved clear-cut din – it wasn’t something you could change; it was inherited; it was in his blood and it would be transmitted forever to all of his seed.

Clone-Enforcement is Rebellion against Hashem

Pages 8-12 are essential (and fun) reading.

Rav Miller describes different Gedolim (both men & women) in Jewish history who contributed what they did by virtue of their personality—contributions others could not have made.

As Rav Miller states (pages 7-8; boldface & underline mine):

It’s not an accident; that’s what Hakodosh Boruch Hu wants, that each one will use his own particular talents, his own characteristics in his service of Hashem.

Hakodosh Boruch Hu has planned these differences from the beginning and He’s waiting to see, “Will this person utilize his stay in this world to bring forth by means of his own personality and his unique capabilities the greatness that he’s capable of?”

Think about that for a moment.

This idea means that if we force someone to stuff his or her own personality into a box and serve Hashem like someone of the opposite personality, then we are going against Hashem's Will.

In that case, we are harming the Jewish people.

Hashem WANTS the unique service of this personality & that personality.

Who are we to deny Him?

Who are we to think we know better than the Creator of the Universe?

Take a Walk on the Peculiar Side

Rav Miller, page 14 (boldface & underline mine):

It means that this world is your place for achieving greatness by means of your peculiarities.

The Rambam says that every person is capable of becoming as great as Moshe Rabbeinu! Not by being Moshe Rabeinu. Not by being Rashi or Sarah Schenirer or the Baal Shem Tov.

By being yourself!

Throughout the dvar Torah, Rav Miller repeatedly uses the word "peculiarities" to describe our unique differences.

That's not a mistake or because he couldn't find a better word.

We often fear being thought strange, weird, odd, or peculiar.

But here, we see that Rav Miller wants us to take davka what's strange, weird, odd, or peculiar and USE it in Hashem's Service.

When channeled correctly, peculiar is perfectly praiseworthy!

And don't forget the Practical Tip on page 17...

Credit for all quotes & material goes to the uniquely wonderful Toras Avigdor.

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Discover True Beauty & Life's Real Achievements, Plus Learn What's Really Necessary in Life: The Profound Importance of Jewish Children & Their Diverse Natures

2/9/2020

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Toras Avigdor has put together a powerful PDF of Rav Avigdor Miller's transcripted lectures on motherhood:

https://torasavigdor.org/building-worlds/

Rav Miller speaks from the heart and it's clear he possessed profound appreciation for the role of the Jewish mother.

And he doesn't focus only on the ones society admires (i.e., the Stunning Do-It-All Superwoman).

He speaks so compellingly about ALL frum Jewish mothers; every frum Jewish mother is a heroine.

For what it's worth, I feel that reading Rav Miller's words on the topic can inspire you to appreciate not only yourself (if you are a mother), but also inspire fondness & appreciation for all our fellow frum Jewish mothers.

I think men can also benefit from Rav Miller's point of view because it helps to appreciate the roles of one's own wife or mother (and grandmothers!), plus enables a father to provide his daughter with the best hashkafah regarding her role as a frum Jewish mother, whether it's in her future or whether she's up to her ears in it now.

But to digress a bit, several paragraphs jumped out at me (pages 10-12, boldface emphasis my own addition):

Every child is an achievement for the Am Yisroel.

If you’re a Jewish mother, you made our people a better people and the Am Yisroel is grateful to you for bringing so much beauty into our people.

Because what are parents doing?

They are planting various kinds of trees and plants in the world.

The world can’t have just one kind of tree and plant. Roses are beautiful but it’s not enough. To have only violets? It’s not enough.

You need various flowers; roses and violets and lilies, everything else – all kinds of plants.

The variety adds beauty and pleasure to this world; every different plant is a different benefit for the world.

Fruit too; you need apples and oranges and bananas and dates and figs. You eat everything and each one has its own sweetness.

The sweetness of apricots is not like the sweetness of an apple. And the sweetness of an apple is not like the sweetness of an orange. And grapes are different and pears are different.

*
And therefore, when parents have children, they’re putting into the world people of different natures and that means they’re walking in the ways of Hakodosh Boruch Hu.

*
And it’s a pleasure to see all of them – we need all of them!

What a great achievement it is!

Let’s say a man comes here to the lecture and brings all of his sons. Let’s say he brings five or six sons. It’s remarkable how different they are. It’s a remarkable thing; from the same parents the children are so entirely different.

This one is fat and jolly. This one is skinny and serious. That’s a true case I’m talking about – a family I know. One of the little boys has a face like a businessman – like an adult already.

Everybody is different! From the same parents! It’s a neis [miracle]!

It’s a pleasure to have skinny serious people, skinny serious Jews – it’s very important to have them.

Fat jolly Jews – it’s a pleasure to have them.

Business-like Jews – it’s a pleasure to have them.

Each one is a pleasure, no question about it.

The freiliche [cheerful] Jews and the serious Jews and the business-like Jews, all of them are necessary.

*
Also the women. One daughter is like this, another daughter is like this.

One daughter is quiet and obedient. Another daughter is a little freilach and mischievous, a lebideger [lively one].

Another daughter is stubborn.

They’re not robots that you program – each one is a world unto herself.

But you’d be surprised; you need them all.

They’re so different one from each other but each one uses her middos in a way that serves Hakodosh Boruch Hu.

The idea running through these paragraphs is so important, particularly in light of Rav Itamar Schwartz's emphasis on how Hashem sent covid-19 into the world partly because we lost our grasp on what he calls "holy individuality." (source)

Despite its reputation to the contrary, Judaism is the anti-robot religion.

And yet...

When our children behave according to their God-given natures...

...and when that particular God-given nature doesn't fit into cultural or social ideals...

...we parents can feel very, very bad about that.

Yes, we need to mechanech (train & educate) our children. Unbridled freilichkeit turns into insensitivity & driving others crazy with irresponsible behavior. Unrefined seriousness turns also turns into insensitivity via snubs & general disregard for the needs of others.

But here, one of the biggest talmidei chachamim to ever grace the American continent (and a man who does not hesitate to tell us the truth, regardless of how palatable or unpalatable) states that our children's individuality — including the more challenging or socially unappreciated aspects of their individuality — is NECESSARY.

An ACHIEVEMENT, states Rav Miller.

We tend to think of achievements as actions that earn wild applause & golden trophies & headlines. Or impressive certificates & accolades.

Conventionally speaking, achievements garner big salaries & major recognition, plus honors, magazine interviews, appearances on popular talk shows, and lots of followers on social media.

But no, says Rav Miller.

A mischievous child, a hyper child, an introverted child — THESE are achievements.

Forget the trophies, the applause, the certificates with pretty calligraphy, the big money, and the spotlight.

Those aren't real achievements, according to the Torah.

Most tellingly, Rav Miller listed traits that many parents find challenging.

(And yes, serious children also challenge adults because these serious ones can take life annoyingly seriously, not smile when adults expect them to, and in general not respond in the way adults & other children consider polite & proper.)

So according to this exceptionally knowledgeable Torah scholar, the very children who embarrass their parents by acting up, blurting out all sorts of nonsense or tactlessness, or not smiling engagingly or not responding as expected out of shyness or insecurity — THEY are necessary! We need them!

The fact that they need chinuch does NOT imply a fault within their innate nature.

They add beauty to the world.

Not just the obviously charming, well-spoken, well-groomed & well-behaved children, but ALL children.

Your child that drives you the craziest & garners the most phone calls from exasperated teachers — THIS child is equally an achievement & a necessity & a thing of beauty.

And YOU were also once a child...a necessary, needed neshamah — an achievement who adds beauty to the world.

And you still are.

A metaphorical portrait of our children.

Quotes & material used with the generous permission of Toras Avigdor.

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What Really Lies Beneath the "Progressive" Exterior of Anti-Torah Movements & Their Supporters?

15/7/2020

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Not long after I started keeping Shabbat, my little sister's bat mitzvah ceremony came up.

Note: "Bat Mitzvah" a misnomer, by the way. The movement for Conservative-which-is-actually-very-liberal "Judaism" cannot stand anything that puts females before males.

(Yes, this is despite doing feministy things, like including women in a minyan — but that's mostly so that they'll sometimes have a minyan because relying on the men alone often doesn't add up to 10 in many of their communities.)

So girls have the option to get a bat mitzvah at age 13 (rather than age 12, according to halachah), which they are expected to do so they don't make the fake liberal men feel inferior. Of course, no one actually says that. Instead, they claim the delayed bat mitzvah is for reasons of "maturity."

Also, there's not much mitzvah involved when you consider all the chilul Shabbat taking place in this movement, what with driving on Shabbat and using microphones during the service on Shabbat, etc.

Anyway, this meant that I needed a place within walking distance to the Sabbath services.

At that time, I did not know that just attending services in such a place is a halachic problem and it didn't occur to me to ask. Informative Orthodox literature was limited at that time, especially if you lived outside the main frum centers of the USA, where you didn't have frum bookstores and the like.

So a friend of my parents volunteered herself & her family to host me for Shabbat. No one asked her.

She volunteered.

This point is important in relation to what happened later.

So please remember that this family — particularly the wife — VOLUNTEERED to host me and did so CHEERFULLY, along with the verbal reassurance that they both UNDERSTOOD Shabbat observance & WANTED to host someone with these standards.

This couple had a 13-year-old daughter & a 9-year-old daughter, both younger than me (I was around 18 or 19), and both of whom I liked.

The American wife (whom we'll call "Atalia") and her Israeli husband lived in Israel at one point and gave the impression that they were comfortable with Shabbat observance.

Atalia had always been very friendly toward me with an engaging sense of humor, and I looked forward to spending more time with her and her family.

Prior to that, there were only 2 signs that anything was off:

The younger girl walked around like she was literally depressed, which is very unusual in a 9-year-old. I literally never saw her not depressed. Shoulders sagging and her mouth always turned down, she once confided that she was forced to attend basketball practice every day after school, even though she hated every minute of it.

My heart went out to her because when I was her age, I hated phys. ed class and she was such an introverted bookish type with a solid heavy build (not fat, but just very big-boned with wide flat pigeon-toed feet), she wasn't made for playing basketball at all.

The very nice older daughter was unusually quiet and sometimes verbally bullied at the tri-weekly (2 afternoons, plus Sunday) Hebrew school we all attended at that age.

(Unfortunately, such bullying is not an uncommon occurrence among the Hebrew schools associated with the movement for Conservative-which-is-actually-very-liberal "Judaism." But you will never hear about it officially because people are only allowed to malign ORTHODOX institutions & communities. Conservative & Reform are considered above reproach. Alternatively, they're considered so ignorant & compromised that they inspire a "Well, what else would you expect?" attitude — which still doesn't nullify the very real harm they cause.)

The Jekyll-Hyde Mommy

The place of worship was located in a well-to-do neighborhood, which doesn't even host a middle class.

When I arrived at their lovely home, I was greeted warmly.

They showed me to a clean & pleasant guest room.

After around half-an-hour, I heard a berating outburst.

It went on. And on.

What could possibly be so wrong?

I poked my head out the doorway, which was just down the hall from the kitchen.

There was Atalia criticizing her older daughter non-stop.

Apparently, the 13-year-old girl was not tossing the salad just right.

Nor was she seasoning the salad in exactly the right way.

The anger in Atalia's voice shocked me.

At that point, I had never heard someone berate their child like that and so relentlessly.

It just went on and on. (I knew people who'd been abused in other ways, but not this kind of verbal onslaught.)

Also, it struck me as insane to feel so strongly about salad-tossing.

The daughter just submitted to it, only murmuring "Okay" and "Sorry" here and there, which made the mother's ongoing verbal battery even more disturbing and mystifying.

I really couldn't stand idly by while this was going on, so I appeared at the kitchen doorway and pleasantly offered my help with preparations.

Atalia turned to me with a fake delighted smile while her daughter kept stoically tossing that salad, doing her best to accommodate her mother's nitpicky instructions.

Atalia cooed, "Oh, that's so sweet of you, but we're fine here."

"Are you sure?" I said pleasantly. "I really don't mind. It's so nice of you to host me for Shabbos and I'm happy to help."

Just for background: At that time, I knew nothing about salad-making, except for the pre-washed & pre-cut make-your-own-salad bar available at Pizza Hut. But it was the only thing I could think of to offer, and I figured that as long as I was around, she'd be too self-conscious to keep on at her daughter.

Finally, they let me help, but I can't remember how — probably because I'd never chopped a cucumber in my life, and I was in shock at the whole display of abuse, especially toward such an accommodating & submissive victim.

I'd also never seen a teenager respond to such an attack with such utter submission.

I also wondered how Atalia regularly treated her children, if this was how abusive she becomes over something so minor.

The 9-year-old's depressed demeanor started to make more sense.

I tried to act like I hadn't heard anything so the girl wouldn't feel embarrassed around me.

Then came the time for Shabbos candle-lighting.

The Shabbos Light "Disaster"

Then I went back to the guest room and tried to remember if there was anything I needed to do before Shabbat.

If memory serves correctly, I was still wearing jeans because I didn't know about changing in honor of Shabbat, but rather just changing right before you go to the synagogue.

Anyway, I stood there pondering the room intensely, then brightened upon remembering to turn out the light before Shabbos!

It sounds very funny now, but before I got used to keeping Shabbos, remembering little things like this (even though it was just one thing) was a big challenge and therefore, a big accomplishment.

Anyway, I went to go light candles and for some reason Atalia kept pleasantly pushing it off.

I felt very uncomfortable about being an assertive guest (assertive seemed like bad manners), but I was afraid of either transgressing Shabbos or not getting to light candles at all.

Very hesitantly & uncomfortably, I pressed the issue as politely & accommodatingly as possible, and finally got to light.

I was very confused because she'd given the impression that she was very open to hosting a Shabbos-observer, but now seemed like she'd been intentionally blocking me to either violate Shabbat or not light at all.

But she seemed so pleasant & unassuming about it all, so I was confused. (At that time, I didn't really know about what's called "covert aggression" or "passive aggression.")

It was also confusing because Atalia had always been so nice to me & I liked her so much.

If we like each other so much, then why was she treating me this way?

Then I went back to my room and to my horror, I saw that the light was on.

How can I sleep with the light on all night??!! (It seems funny to me now that the thought of sleeping under a bright light all night was so end-of-the-world. But I was at a very different stage back then.)

And now I was also even more confused.

I knew I'd turned off the light. And it seemed to me that in the brief moments between the time I'd left the room and lit candles, then returned to the room, someone had turned on the light. But why? There wasn't anything in there that they needed; it was an empty room designated only for guests.

Also, why would Atalia have done that? She knew the laws of Shabbos and knew that I couldn't turn off the lights.

And she'd invited me to her home with the express reassurance that she knew how to host a shomer Shabbos person.

So what gives?

The Shape-Shifting Sabbath Hostess

Very flustered, I hovered around the white-carpeted hallway as Atalia went back and forth to rooms with a butter-wouldn't-melt-in-my-mouth look on her face, pretending not to notice me.

Finally, I worked up the guts to timidly say, "Um, excuse me?"

She whipped around to look at me in pleasant & obviously fake surprise and said, "Yes! Is everything okay?"

"Well, um..." I hemmed & hawed, feeling ridiculous.

She perked her head to one side, smiled at me expectantly, and said, "Yes?" in an encouraging manner.

She acted so pleasant & innocent that I didn't immediately register the "Gotcha!" look in her widened eyes.

So I stammered something about the light being on in my room.

I didn't know what to do about it because on one hand, I felt like it would be impossible to sleep with it on; yet on the other hand, Jewish Law forbids turning it off.

And though I didn't know the halacha then, it seemed logical to me that another Jew could not turn it off, even when that Jew is completely non-shomer-Shabbos.

If it's forbidden, then it's forbidden to every Jew regardless of personal observance.

But at that time, I didn't actually know that logical conclusion was true.

Anyway, Atalia kept up her pleasant smile, but her eyes narrowed.

Then in a soft yet ominous voice, she said, "You want me to turn off that light, don't you."

I wasn't sure what to answer, partly because I was pretty sure she wasn't allowed & partly because I didn't understand this sudden melodramatic shift in the conversation.

In reply, I stammered because I felt like I couldn't say either yes or no.

"Okay," she said the same soft yet venomous voice as if we were in some theatrical drama. "I'll turn off your light for you."

Then she moved right into my face, about 2 inches from my nose, gave me a viper-like smile, and said very softly (using my secular name, which is changed here to protect both the guilty & the innocent), "You know what, Lisa? I reeeeeally hate people like you."

Then she went to go turn off the light.

I was left stunned, not sure what had happened.

People like me?

What, a teenage Neturei Karta in jeans and hairspray?

O, Religious Fanatical Zealot that I was!

Clearly, the whole scenario was a set-up. She perceived that I was too weak & ignorant at that point to resist telling her it needed to be turned off.

Either way, she knew she would win because either I'd at least hint to her to turn off the light, or I'd suffer it on all night (which would & still does ruin my sleep for that night).

So she'd get to torment me no matter what.

And just for knowing, I was too gobsmacked to be hurt or insulted by her telling me that she "reeeeeeally" hates me.

It's like if your Sabbath hostess suddenly shape-shifted into a reptilian alien 2 inches from your nose, would you be hurt or insulted?

No, of course not.

You'd be thinking "Whoa, this is so bizarre & unexpected!" and "Bummer, I'm stuck for the rest of Shabbos with this reptilian alien shape-shifter!"

But you wouldn't be hurt or insulted. Just weirded-out & dismayed.

I Sense a Feminist Dictatorship Here...

The next morning, the girls showed me the way to services. They were very nice as usual, but unhappy.

I told them how much I appreciated them showing me the way & tried engaging them in conversation.

They let their guard down a bit & when asked what she wanted to be when she grew up, the 13-year-old girl said, "My mother wants me to be a Reform rabbi when I grow up, but I don't want to be."

She seemed hopelessly resigned to the fact.

Then the younger girl said mournfully, "And Mom wants me to be a professional basketball player, but I HATE basketball." Then her solid little body started sagging so much, I thought she'd fall over on her face.

I thought both were bizarre goals for one's daughter.

It also seemed strange that their mother imposed future careers on them, which included forcing them — especially the youngest — to continuously engage in activities they hated.

For the younger girl, I wondered how it felt to have to participate daily in something you hated so much, something you weren't good at and would never be good at.

Also, knowing how kids were with sports, I wondered how it felt to have a coach needing to sweetly encourage or guide you (constantly, because you were always messing up) and to deal with the resentment of teammates who couldn't relate to your lack of enthusiasm and skill, which ruined the game for them.

Forcing your child onto a future path was something I thought only happened in the olden days — you know, before the end of the Victorian caste system.

I also couldn't understand why the girls felt they were doomed to follow their mother's dictates as adults, when they'd be free to leave home and live their own lives.

(Welcome to Feminist Totalitarianism.)

So I reassured them that they'd be able to leave the minute they were 18 and do whatever they wanted & and live as far from home as they wanted for the rest of their lives.

That cheered them a bit, but they still remained unhappy & resigned. I don't think they really believed they'd ever be free.

Flatbush-Jew Validation is Better Than Therapy

Very confused about what had happened, I later told my parents about it.

My mom looked scandalized and understandably speechless. She herself would never be so confrontational, even with a guest she did not like. (She also never would've gone out of her way to invite a guest just to torture them.)

My dad looked startled for a moment, then shifted in to "Flatbush Jewish Guy" mode.

With a sarcastic snort and a grunt, he scoffed, "Yeah, Atalia gets like that sometimes."

"Like what?" I said. "She's always been so nice!"

"Naaah," he said, smirking more (not at me, but about Atalia) by the moment in good ol'-fashioned Flatbush style. "Atalia sometimes goes into melodrama-mode. I wouldn't take her seriously at all. It's not worth it." He looked right at me with a knowing smirk (against Atalia in validation of me). "Really. Don't take her seriously."

It felt really good knowing that my dad believed me over an adult and a friend of theirs, and that he was so disdainful of her behavior. I felt like that meant I was okay after all.

(My mom still couldn't find anything to say about such discourteous behavior, and her response was validating too.)

Unconditional Support Means Unconditional Blamelessness for All!

Two years later, I was appalled but not surprised to hear that the older girl was in the hospital for a suicide attempt at age 15. (She survived, baruch Hashem.)

At first, Atalia tried to cover it up, but the truth came out anyway.

Of course, Atalia's friends from their synagogue for Conservative-which-is-actually-very-liberal "Judaism" were very supportive.

Mainstream Americans love to rally around and offer non-judgmental support for their peers because if a verbally abusive tyrant who drove her sweet submissive daughter to suicide doesn't need to take responsibility for her behavior, then nobody does.

And life is much more palatable that way.

(Note: A suicide attempt doesn't always indicate abusive parenting, but in this case it did.)

And We All Lived Happily Ever After...Kind of

I don't know exactly what happened to the girls later in life.

I believe the older girl finally got the relief she needed (at least somewhat), after all the bullying she endured from her mother and her Hebrew school.

I'm not sure if Atalia truly changed, or whether she adjusted her behavior out of fear of being exposed again as the really dysfunctional mother she was.

If I remember correctly, the older girl later went to college (majoring in something she liked, and not Reform rabbinate studies), and married a nice boy.

I don't know what happened with the younger girl, but I'm positive she never became a basketball player.

And by the way, I still HATE sleeping with the light on, but have been in that situation since & just dealt with it, and never again even hinted to anyone to turn it on.

Note: Upon hearing the above story, someone mentioned that it could be that it wasn't yet Shabbat when she turned on the light; maybe it wasn't actually shkiyah yet. Hopefully, that's true. But I don't know.

Nice, Open-Minded, Progressive, Liberal Abuse

While usually it's better to talk about the good aspects of Torah life rather than look to bash the non-Torah people & movements (so says Rav Shteinman HERE), sometimes we still need to reveal the truth behind certain anti-Torah leaders & anti-Torah movements.

For example, Yerushalayim mayor Moshe Lion recently blocked a Reform attempt at encroachment of the Kotel (source).

(UPDATE: Rav Yitzchak Yosef has also taken a strong stand against the incredibly destructive Reform movement. h/t Neshama)

GOOD FOR THEM!!!

The anti-Torah movements & leaders (whether they're specifically feminist or any of type of liberalization) always present themselves as compassionate & open-minded with good intentions. For example, the Wall Womyn describe themselves as "liberators" looking to "secure rights" for women at the Kotel.

Women already have rights at the Kotel — like the right to sincere heartfelt prayer & basking in the holiness of the Shechinah.

The Wall Womyn destroy that right.

Ironically, many frum people give the benefit of the doubt to the participants (though not necessarily the leaders) because "they don't know any better."

However, I remember Atalia was very into the liberalization of authentic Torah Judaism and very anti-Orthodox (as I discovered that Shabbat).

She was very pro-feminism, and the Wall Womyn would've been right up her alley.

But despite Atalia's pleasant, engaging, and liberal exterior, she was actually an extremely abusive, hate-filled, controlling person — as a lot of these people are.

I grew up in the movements for Reform & Conservative-which-is-actually-very-liberal "Judaism" and yes, there are nice people who are simply misled by the propaganda.

But there are also a lot of people who are dysfunctional.

Yet they portray themselves very differently than they actually are.

For example, one successful radiologist, upon hearing that I'd started keeping Torah & mitzvot, sneered at me and said, "Oh yeah? My daughter also started up with that, but I crushed that out of her right away. Would not tolerate it. Your parents apparently didn't manage to do that with you, did they. Oh well. Their loss."

Another father kept up constant harassment of his newly frum son for as long as the son lived at home. The son couldn't even eat from a plastic plate in peace (though you'd think it would be his mother who'd have a harder time with that, but she handled it better than the father) because the fact that the son wouldn't eat off the family dishes was too big a criticism for the father.

And this son was very, very respectful to his parents. Despite his son's constant pleasantness, the father refused to stop with all the confrontations & harassment.

Ultimately, the son managed to leave and get into a yeshivah in a frum community, where he was finally free.

All these people support liberal, "progressive" values and "rights," but they're actually very controlling & will behave abusively to anyone who behaves differently.

Baruch Hashem, my own parents were nice & accommodating about things and it helped that they had positive experiences with the local frum community (which is huge praise for all the frum people who behave with such courtesy & pleasantness to non-frum people).

But the anti-Torah leaders & many of the participants are not like that.

They utilize appealing language, but beneath the surface, they can be extremely controlling, manipulative, and abusive.

They can be the type of person who drives a 9-year-old into depression and a 15-year-old into suicide.

Focus on Healing the Core, But Don't Give Way to the Attacks Coming from Outside

I'm not saying we should attack people.

There is also a place for being nice to these people, particularly some of the misled participants, if they are indeed decent people who are simply misguided. (Not all of the participants are simply "lost little lambs;" Atalia was not a leader in any of these movements, but she was a firm supporter.)

We should also focus on strengthening & improving our own frum communities more than fighting back against the anti-Torah elements.

We should be so good & spiritually healthy that we create a strong barrier against both anti-Torah forces & Jew-hatred.

"Clean up your own backyard first" is always good advice.

But at the same time, we should definitely not be afraid to stand up to these "progressive" anti-Torah movements and to hold on to what we know is right, despite all the rage & accusations they heap upon us — accusations which apply much more to them than to us. (Only you'll probably never see it unless you're firmly within their community, like I was.)

They don't really care about anyone else's "rights" or anything spiritual or even Judaism (which is why so many of them marry non-Jews with fake "conversions").

And they aren't as niiiiiiice & open-minded as they like to appear.

After all, isn't it really weird to get in the face of a vulnerable teenage girl and tell her that you really hate people like her?

Can we all agree that's not very nice or open-minded?

They just crave permission to behave however they want for themselves, and they enjoy being in control & abusing others.

They know that the frum community is a minority and also has the world media against them, so they strike at the heart of Torah because they feel they can get away with it.

(And as shown above, they have a deep-seated hatred for the fundamentals of Torah, like Shabbos, which is the core sign between Hashem & the Jewish people. A lot of them have issues with kashrut too.)

And as we face these onslaughts from anti-Torah leaders & movements who portray themselves as oh-so much more caring & fair-minded & progressive, a lot of them are probably like the people mentioned in this post.

Not all of them. But a lot of them.

So it's important to keep the above story in mind.

We don't need to fear or accommodate or "dialogue" with them.

Ultimately, for many of them, it's not that they don't understand.

It's that they have really bad middot that blind them to any kind of Truth.

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The Best Advice for the Most Effective Chinuch from the Great Talmid Chacham Rav Gershon Edelstein

12/7/2020

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If you go HERE, you can see a 2-minute video of Rav Gershon Edelstein, the Rosh Yeshivah of Ponevezh in Bnei Brak, and one of the premier talmidei chachamim of today.

I'm sorry it's in Hebrew only, but I'll explain it in English below. Also, videos of Rav Edelstein are available online with English subtitles. Just please watch out for the extraneous explanation points (!!!!) imposed within the subtitles (which also appear in this video in the Hebrew subtitles); they reflect the transcriber's understandable excitement over the words of the talmid chacham, rather than the authentic reflection of the talmid chacham's tone of voice.

I'll go over what Rav Edelstein says in English, but what's valuable here is the rav's facial expressions as he speaks. It's worth watching for that, even if you don't understand the Hebrew. His facial expressions are very telling.

So...the questioner presents the dilemma of a 12-year-old boy who doesn't want to daven, and asks what to do. How much should the parent insist on prayer at the proper times? (For example, Kriyat Shema needs to be said by a certain time in the morning, and Shacharit needs to be said before noon, etc.)

Please notice how the rav listens intently to the question, giving it his full focus.

Then the rav answers: "B'darchei noam" — literally: "with ways of pleasantness."

This is a famous & common phrase in Judaism.

(Again, please ignore the boldface letters & explanation point in the subtitle of the rav's answer. Rav Edelstein isn't yelling or pounding on the table; he's speaking with equanimity. Again, the boldface & exclamation point indicate the transcriber's enthusiasm and not the rav's emotional state or tone of voice.)

The rav repeats "only b'darchei noam" a couple of times, adding "bli kefiyah — without force."

When the questioner asks about nagging the child, the rav's tone becomes stern as he says, "No, no, no, no" and he makes a face as if someone placed a plate of rotten eggs in front of him (00.28-00.30).

The rav then explains that the parent should use encouragement to awaken the child's desire to daven.

"The child knows what's good," says the rav.

In other words, the child already knows what he's supposed to do. He simply doesn't want to daven.

It's an issue of desire, not awareness or knowledge.

So via encouragement, a parent can awaken the right desire. Nagging & compulsion don't help, says the rav.

When the rav mentions the word b'kefiyah again at point 00:43-00:45, you see how his whole face frowns just at the idea of chinuch b'kefiyah — via force.

"It's forbidden to force the child," says the rav, calling such a method "chinuch hafuch — backwards (or upside-down) education," which, the says, leads to the opposite result of what's intended & doesn't positively influence the child "at all."

Instead, the rav recommends encouraging the child in a way that's "interesting" and "friendly" from a state of "love." (01:02-01:07)

He also mentions the role example plays in proper chinuch (01:09-01:13) "A child does what the father does," says the rav. "There's the nature of imitation."

Then the rav repeats "b'darchei noam," adding that the child shouldn't feel like there's any criticism of him.

"If a child perceives criticism," says the rav at 01:37, "that hurts him a lot. It causes the child to 'throw off the yoke'." (Meaning, the sweet "yoke" of Torah & mitzvot.)

Rav Edelstein continues, "It's forbidden to say criticism. This is an important rule in chinuch. He shouldn't perceive criticism of himself. That's the rule."

It's interesting that just the mentioned of "nagging" caused instinctive repulsion in the rav.

Many people do not consider nagging in the same category as criticism or compulsion.

This is why it's so important to hear what the REAL Torah Sages say.

Meaning, not just the ones who attained intellectual knowledge of Torah, but the ones who've INTERNALIZED the Torah they've learned.

Due to their genuine wisdom, real Torah Sages have a whole different way of perceiving things.

And if we listen to them, we become wiser too.

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