Category: Parenting

Rav Miller on Parshat Va'etchanan with Wonderful Advice on Transforming Your Home & Family

16/8/2019

In Parshas Va’eschanan – Sanctuary of the Jewish Home, Rav Miller discusses a question I think many of us have wondered about: Why was Moshe Rabbeinu so resistant against going on to the Next World?

After all, Moshe Rabbeinu was the epitome of emuna.

He knew Hashem was guiding everything in the Universe.

He knew that death is nothing to fear.

He knew he had a wonderful Paradise beyond comprehension waiting for him.

Also, Moshe Rabbeinu achieved more than any other human being ever had.

So why didn't he go peacefully?

Why did he daven 515 tefillot and with such intensity, he shook up the Universe?

The short answer is that Moshe Rabbeinu loved us very much and also wanted to perfect himself even more.

The long answer is in the dvar Torah itself.

Personal Royalty

At this point Rav Miller emphasizes each home is basically an empire in which each father is a king and each mother is a queen.

And he delves into all the responsibility that entails, which is admittedly a bit intimidating.

He paints the great example of Rav Channa's house of chessed, as described in the Gemara. It sounds very difficult to dedicate the entire home to chessed in the way Rav Channa did, but Rav Miller explains that Rav Channa and his wife did it in a way that made each other and their children happy.

And that's definitely food for thought.

Yet Rav Miller acknowledges that the vast majority of us can't be like Rav Channa.

So what can we do?

We can take steps to fill our home with kedushah, with mitzvot...with Hashem.

And we do this one step at a time, elevating the routine mitzvot:

You have to train yourself and your family to think, “Right now, we’re doing the mitzvah of washing the hands; Hashem commanded us to obey the chachamim.”

You’re making the house kadosh by doing that.

Developing a real love and appreciation for mitzvot is the way to transform your home.

When you feel that way inside, you project it out to your family.

Here are some ways of looking at yourselves:

That element should be introduced in the building of Jewish home as much as possible.

“Our home is a makom kadosh,” you tell your family. We must accustom ourselves to this thought:

A Jewish house is a holy house. The same Shechina that came down on Har Sinai is in every Jewish home – it’s not a mashal.

Where else would Hakodosh Boruch Hu come if not in the place where constantly His word is obeyed?

Milchigeh dishes, fleishigeh dishes, pareve dishes, everything is done k’halacha. Shabbos, kashrus, everything!

***

A child wants to eat something, so he asks, “Am I still fleishig? Can I get ice cream yet?”

“No, not yet.”

The child watches the clock.

A little boy is watching the clock - there’s nothing like that in the world.

You won’t find such holy children anywhere else!

The Rav Miller offers many ideas for raising your children with kedushah, even when surrounded by modern secular values.

That's very worth reading.

He concludes that section with this advice:

And so the house is kadosh.

It’s something we have to say to ourselves and to our children - you should repeat it constantly.

You can tell them, “Every time you do something good in this house, you’re making the house even more kadosh. Every time you learn Torah in the house, every time you daven, every time you say birkas hamazon, any bracha you make in the house, the house is becoming more and more kadosh.”

Tell them that - they won’t listen; they’ll say, “Yes, yes,” but it’s going into their little heads.

Don't Forget This Part of Meal-Planning

Rav Miller offers a great many wonderful ideas for using meal times as pleasant chinuch for the children, a time to inculcate authentic Torah values into the family and the home.

He calls it a form of "meal planning," which means you need to have an idea of what you want to mention before you sit down to eat with everyone. (But he recommends against telling the kids that you planned the topic; let them think it's inspired.)

Which Building is Really Built to Last?

Incredibly, our homes that were dedicated to kedushah will rise again with Techiyat Hametim (Resurrection of the Dead)!

(Rav Miller derives this from the Gemara.)

The holy homes of our holy Sages, which are in ruins now, will also rise again!

The strongest & tallest & most beautiful edifices of today will fall at some point.

Yet the humble abode of the Chafetz Chaim, of all the holy people, will rise again.

It's a whole other way of looking at the world.

What Kind of Home are We Creating?

And these are important questions we need to answer ourselves:

And therefore an honest parent should stop and ask himself: “What kind of home do we have? Am I accomplishing in my home what Moshe Rabeinu begged for many many days to have the opportunity to accomplish?"

The most rewarding life for a man and a woman, is to make use of that opportunity that Moshe begged for, and put the best that they have into that house.

The walls of their house should witness only kindliness, only politeness, good character, kindly words, avodas Hashem, joyous Shabbosim, zemiros on Shabbos, divrei Torah, helping each other, performing acts that Hashem commands us to do.

All day long the bnei bayis are putting idealism into the walls of their home.

***

Of course theory is always easier than practice.

But we have to strive for the ideal, for the building of a home that Hashem intended when He told the Am Yisroel, “Return to your tents.”

The creation of a home founded on the principles of Ma’amad Har Sinai is a creation that is eternal.

Regardless of what kind of family we have (even if it's just yourself), may we all succeed in making our families and our homes abodes of kedushah and Torah idealism.

What kind of home do we want?

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Why It's So Important to Avoid Labeling Yourself with Psychobabble & See Yourself in a More Spiritual (and Hopeful!) Light

5/8/2019

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A friend of mine from years back (let’s call her Esty) suffered a severe lack of shalom bayit.

In her eyes, her husband was demanding and self-centered.

Early on, she felt her husband had only ever seen marriage as the way to get a kosher girlfriend and a built-in servant (in complete opposition to actual halacha and Torah hashkafah, BTW).

And no...this adviser, that rebbetzin, this shalom bayit expert, that therapist, his rav—no one was ever able to help (which is unfortunately very typical—why? Because such a severe nisayon is fine-tuned from Hashem and demands more of a spiritual response than a derech-hateva response).

And throughout it all, whether it was friends or advisers or books & articles, Esty felt like her shalom bayit problems showed her to be co-dependent.

Or perhaps blameworthy?

Or pathetic & stupid? After all, why did she marry such person in the first place? (Apparently, even her subconscious hates her.)

And why didn’t she just get divorced? (This from her friends.)

On the other hand, if she was a "better" wife, maybe her husband wouldn’t be so critical and angry all the time. (She tried, but never managed to find that elusive "better" that would magically transform her husband.)

Esty felt there were so many ways to see herself in this situation--and they were all bad.

An Unknowingly Pivotal Decision

When Esty held herself back from responding in kind, when she remained totally silent and felt dead inside, it didn’t help at all. Her husband's tongue could ride on his temper-fueled steam for a very long time.

Yet when she could no longer take it (like after 2 weeks of remaining silent and feeling dead in the face of his verbal battery) and fought back, it also didn’t curb his behavior at all. (Even though standing up to bullies is apparently the key to dealing with them.)

Conflicting self-condemnations shot back & forth in Esty’s head all the time.

But when a completely assimilated friend ended up visiting her area, Esty felt that Esty was her friend’s only chance to experience Shabbos. Esty also wanted to spend time with this assimilated Jew who’d been a close friend in high school.

So Esty invited her friend for Shabbat and hoped her husband would be too embarrassed to act the way he usually did.

A Leopard is Never Embarrassed by His Spots; Why Change His Spots Just because His Wife Wants to Make a Kiddush Hashem?

But much to her chagrin, Esty's husband wasn’t too embarrassed to act the way he usually did.

(He never was, Esty eventually realized. She always hoped anew and was always shattered anew until she limited the time she spent with her husband around other people; family outings, hosting guests, etc., became a thing of the past.)

Being a gregarious guy, Esty’s husband was friendly & jovial toward Esty & her friend—until Esty (or their toddler) did something that happened to bother her husband (the toddler’s eye infection with a pussy eye was one of an infinite number of things that bothered her husband)--at which he point he would explode at Esty (because, of course, everything was always her fault).

Esty noticed and appreciated how his bursts of temper tended to be much shorter around other people, but she still found his outbursts profoundly humiliating & distressing.

Ultimately, Esty felt she couldn’t make excuses to her friend for most of her husband’s bursts of temper without coming off like a pathetic doormat or a sufferer of Stockholm Syndrome, but she did explain that her husband got really stressed out by seeing all that puss in their toddler’s eye and it frightened him, which is why he exploded.

Esty also mentioned that her husband apologized—although he didn’t really apologize, but said that had he known the eye infection wasn’t as serious as it looked, he wouldn’t have gotten so upset.

But Esty wanted her husband (and herself) to look a bit better in her friend’s eyes, so Esty stretched the truth a bit.

Upon hearing he’d apologized (even though he actually hadn’t), Esty’s friend gave a firm nod and said, “GOOD.”

A Whole New & Invigorating Angle

At the end of the visit, Esty—still self-conscious about her husband’s behavior and how it reflected on her & on frum people in general, especially since her friend knew Esty had met her husband on shidduchim, which is allegedly a great way to avoid such problematic people—casually said, “I wonder how it looked to you that my husband and I have issues and don’t always get along so well.”

Esty's friend looked Esty straight in the eye for a long moment.

Esty’s friend was a committed feminist and vegan who worked her biceps into little feminine muscles and refused to shave her legs (yes, I met her too).

Esty’s friend was a very successful professional on her way to a doctorate.

Esty’s friend also lost her non-Jewish father at the age of 2 to her non-Jewish father’s receptionist and suffered her mother’s remarriage to a man who molested her when she was 6.

Esty’s friend’s new step-mother (yes, the oh-so alluring receptionist) ended being an extremely temperamental nutcase, but her father didn’t feel like going through the whole divorce procedure again, especially when he had a new child born from this second wife. (Instead, he waited until that child went to college, and then he divorced his psycho former receptionist.)

He later confided how much he wished he’d never divorced Esty's friend's mother. In hindsight, he felt his first wife was actually much better than the nutty, temperamental receptionist he’d run off with and that it had all been a big mistake—for which Esty’s friend paid the highest price.

Still looking Esty right in the eye, Esty’s friend said, “I think it’s good that you guys are committed to the struggle, especially when you have a kid together.”

“Really?” said Esty, shocked. “You don’t think he’s bad…or that I’m a doormat or co-dependent or…something?”

Her friend mulled it over for a moment, then said, “I don’t like it when he talks to you like that, of course. But I admire the fact that you guys are willing to stick it out. Most people aren’t. Anyway, most of the couples I know getting divorced don’t even know why they’re getting divorced. I don’t think they even fight. They just sort of drift into divorce. And even though they have kids and everyone knows how hard divorce is on the kids, they’re not willing to struggle through it. Yeah, sometimes divorce is necessary and better for the kids too. But a lot of times, it would be better if the parents would just stick it out. It’s like the kids aren’t even worth the struggle to keep the marriage together.”

“Even if the parents are fighting?” said Esty. “Even if they’re not getting along so well?”

Her friend paused, then said, “I know it sounds bad to say it, but yeah. Not always. It depends. Maybe if they don’t have kids, it’s okay. But if they have kids already, then yeah—even if they’re fighting and there’s problems and stuff. It depends how bad it is, of course. But in general, I think it's better to try and stick it out for the kids. But I don’t feel like I can ever say this to anyone.”

Then Esty’s friend mentioned that many people claim to be getting divorced “for the children,” even though Esty’s friend felt that clearly wasn’t the case.

“Wow,” said Esty. “I really thought you would lose respect for me when you saw how my husband treats me.”

“I don’t like how he treats you all the time. It really bothered me to hear him get angry with you about things that aren’t even your fault. And it seems like he gets angry about things that aren’t very important. But mostly he was fine with you and your daughter—at least from what I saw. But I still respect you the same—even more, because you’re willing to hold on to your commitment.”

She gave Esty another penetrating look. “I mean, marriage is supposed to be for life, right?”

Esty was floored.

Esty really thought her assertive, “progressive,” independent, successful friend would feel so much more negatively about what Esty was sure must have seemed like a demeaning & misogynist marriage.

Spiritual Vision vs. Narrow Vision

Esty shared this story years ago, when it first happened, and I never forgot it because it demonstrates the sharply different angles from which the same situation can be seen.

Note: It doesn’t justify in any way the behavior of Esty’s husband nor does it minimize the very real anguish Esty suffered from constant criticism and the unpreventable angry outbursts.

And frankly, I think we’ve all seen situations in which divorce is clearly the best option for both the parents and the children.

However, what her assimilated friend’s perspective gave Esty was a little bit of relief from the feeling that people were looking at Esty and assuming she was a co-dependent or pathetic or disrespectable or, even worse, as bad as her husband made her out to be & at fault for his poor behavior.

And it gave Esty some relief from the conflicting self-condemnations constantly racing around in her head.

And maybe it was also possible for Esty to see herself how her friend saw her:

Committed, willing to struggle, and--most important of all (to Esty’s friend)--willing to put her child’s needs before her own.

Having said all that, were there things Esty could do to help herself more?

Sure. Spiritual efforts, like:

being careful not to talk about her situation unless her speech followed the laws of lashon hara l'to'elet (including to sympathetic friends like me ;-)
davening
pouring her heart out to Hashem as she would her Best Friend
doing a cheshbon hanefesh (because Chazal stated that ANY kind of suffering should inspire us to examine our deeds)
seeing it as a way to spiritual growth.

But again, there are no guarantees.

A person can make efforts to sweeten din. But ultimately, Hashem decides whether it's in the person's best interests for the nisayon to be softened or even eliminated completely...or not.

Yet as long as you see yourself in the eyes of the negative labels, you probably won't handle your nisayons in the best way possible.

Therefore, you're less likely to fulfill your pre-ordained journey and rectify that which Hashem sent you to This World for in the first place.

You're NOT as Hopeless as Portrayed!

You know...most of us are just regular, flawed people who sometimes find ourselves in excruciating situations that demand middot far, far beyond where our middot currently lie.

It's important to see the good in ourselves and to see something positive in the way we're struggling, even if we are also fumbling around and sometimes submitting to bad middot.

Unfortunately, both modern and early (Freud, etc.) Western psychology have produced lots of negative labels for strugglers and all sorts of flaws.

Frum people who are not emuna-oriented can even distort or misapply passages in Tanach & Gemara & Chazal to further slap negative labels on strugglers.

But you can see yourself with great hope and faith, despite your flaws and struggles.

After all, that's how HASHEM sees you.

Disclaimer: This all happened years ago, when I was less knowledgeable about the laws of lashon hara. With the exception of some pressing halachic reason to reveal the information, even Esty's closest confidants should not have been privy to all the details about Esty's marital conflicts or the personal past of her friend (especially if they ended up meeting her, which withdraws her anonymity).

This is important to know because people (like myself) trip up on this quite commonly & innocently.

Much to her credit, Esty herself ceased revealing the information (her confidants were ultimately never able help her anyway) and it seems like her situation is better. Maybe not wonderful, but at least somewhat better.

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The Gift that Very Young Children Can Bring Us

10/6/2019

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One morning, my husband and I woke up to the sound of our bedroom door being thrust open and bouncing off the wall.

After that enthusiastic lead-in, our 2-year-old toddled in, hugging his blankie and sporting a grin that clearly announced: Is there anything more thrilling than seeing ME first thing in the morning?

Many very young children never entertain the possibility that their parents prefer to sleep rather than play with them. And they wake you up with the utter confidence that you are so thrilled to see them, you WANT to wake up—just for them.

My face was scrunched into my own blanket, but the space left for breathing allowed me to see how his little face lit up in delight when he saw me.

My mommy is playing peek-a-boo with me!

Cheerfully obliging his perception of my covered face, he toddled over and tugged the blanket partially off my face.

"You look like a face!" he announced cheerfully.

Truth be told, with his own cute little face inches from mine, it was quite an adorable and charming sight to see upon waking up.

But I still wanted to sleep.

Then his face lit up even more as he examined me closer and said, "You look like a bulldozer!"

"You didn't tell me that on shidduchim, darling," my husband mumbled.

Oh dear. I guess I need to switch night creams.

(Just kidding.)

This particular child had and still has a real fondness for construction vehicles. So he projects this fondness onto anything he likes.

In his 2-year-old mind, the world is a much nicer place when everything looks like a bulldozer. Or a dump truck. Or a giant crane. Or a digger. Or a cement mixer. Or a steam roller.

In fact, an especially exciting moment for him came whenever he found a construction vehicle that was both a bulldozer from the front and a digger from the back.

"The most beautiful bulldozer in the world!" - my son, age 4, upon seeing this photo.

Contagious Enthusiasm for the Mundane

And this is a very common trait in young children: They get massively excited or fascinated by the very things we adults no longer notice (or even find annoying).

And this is something very precious that young children bring to their families, that enthusiasm over mundane objects and experiences.

Not long after he first started enthusing over construction vehicles, we (his older siblings, his father, and I) instinctively started seeking out such monsters whenever we were out with him.

And because his excitement was so charming and contagious, we started getting excited whenever we saw a construction vehicle we knew he would like.

In fact, each of us mentioned that when outside alone and, say, a monster dump truck would come lumbering down the street, our heart would give a leap and we instinctively turned to point it out to him, feeling a bit deflated that he wasn't there to share the experience.

And this is very common for parents and older siblings.

If it's not with construction vehicles, then it's with something else that the small child gets all excited about.

More Thrilling than a Rollercoaster

Even now at age 4, when I take this child to gan on the bus in the morning, he is so excited.

He loves sitting next to the big low window on the bus (as opposed to the higher & smaller window of a car) and he gazes out, his little backpacked body all a-quiver in anticipation of seeing a bulldozer or a steam roller during the 4-minute ride.

I find buses a bit stressful, but I must admit that an enthusiasm for bus rides and catching sight of construction vehicles is a great way to start your day.

And like I said, his enthusiasm is contagious. I often find myself in a better mood sitting next to him as he wriggles in delight upon spotting his heart's desire chugging away in the dust, rocks, and heat.

A Zest for Life: The Blessing of Small Children

And this kind of dynamic is a very big gift that small children grant their families.

Hashem wants us to be excited about the life He has given us.

He wants us to appreciate all the things we take for granted (or even find annoying; construction vehicles are quite noisy), especially if they are extremely helpful things—like construction vehicles.

This can get lost amid all the toil of raising young children.

Obviously, a kid pulling on you or calling you to see a mundane thing that child finds thrilling, or to be woken up by winsome 2-year-old narcissism too early in the morning—this can all be understandably exasperating.

You don't always manage the patience for it.

Sleep is a basic need.

And there are also things that really do demand your attention that just need to get done already, without distractions from even the most adorable and enthusiastic preschoolers.

And that's normal.

But whenever possible, it's good to let ourselves be touched by the zest for mundane living that small children bring to our lives.

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What is a Clean Tongue?

20/5/2019

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A huge blindspot today is language.

Foul words have entered everyday vocabulary, with today's grandmothers using the very words (or worse) for which she originally washed out her own child's mouth with soap as a mother only 3 decades ago.

This can be true in parts of modern frum society too sometimes.

Foul English words have also entered Israeli Hebrew as slang (because they don't know what they're actually saying & because cussing in a foreign language doesn't have the same jolt). Even some frum Israelis end up using this vulgar English as slang within their modern Hebrew.

However, Judaism insists not only on non-vulgar language, but on refined language in general.

When asked about lashon nekiyah - clean language or a clean tongue - Rav Avigdor Miller mentioned the words mothers traditionally forbade their children.

Then he goes a step deeper and discusses refined language in general - "mindful speech," if you will.

For example, he explains, in Slabodka where he learned, they never said the word shlecht, which is Yiddish for "bad."

They never said the word shlecht. Never. I was there six years. Six years – and they never said the word shlecht. “Not good,” they would say. But they never said shlecht. They never referred to a goy as a “sheigetz.”

Because that’s a Sheketz. The word “sheigetz” comes from the word sheketz a disgusting creature. “Sheigetz” is sheketz. But a goy is not a sheketz. He’s a tzelem Elokim...

The word “sheigetz” is never found in Slabodka language.

So, in a good environment, if you make sure to stay in stay in a good environment, you’ll pick up what is called lashon nekiyah.

Tape #E-167

And that's worth chewing over.

Related link:
Try This: No Swearing for One Week

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UPDATED: Stripping Off Society's Big Cover-Up about Marriage & Motherhood

1/1/2019

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UPDATE:
Either Weebly or my filter is not letting me comment on my own post (on other posts -- yes; on this one -- no), so I can't respond in the comment section. But all the comments so far are very inspiring and written from the heart (and much appreciated!).

This wasn't in the post, but based on the comments, I feel it's important to add that while getting pregnant later in life is often more difficult (as mentioned in the post), it's far from impossible. Two commenters had children from age 37 and onward. I've personally known women who got pregnant for the first time at age 39 and another at age 45 shortly after her first marriage -- no fertility treatments or even herbs, and no long wait!

So if this is your situation, please don't despair! And I wish all of you much bracha and hatzlacha.

(And thank you to all the commenters for sharing their stories & giving chizuk.)

Growing up in secular America, I always saw marriage & family portrayed as the end of one’s life.

My orthodontist cheerfully informed me that she waited until around age 37 to start a family. "I wanted to wait until I wouldn't feel resentful about not being able to go out to dinner," she said with a warm smile.

As if your own child isn't worth missing a couple of hours in a restaurant in the evening.

As if you can never go out to dinner again...

I secretly wanted marriage and children instead of a career (though I wanted to be a novelist on the side too), but couldn’t admit this—not even to myself.

You were supposed to push off marriage and children for as long as possible. Education, career, travel, living one’s dreams, sowing wild oats, and all that took precedence.

Marriage and children came only when you had lived your life and were either finished with everything else or were just sick of it.

Sadly, this has led a great many women into the dilemma of being at the height of her career just as her biological clock starts running out of time. Now she’s supposed to find a husband--or if she already has a husband, start trying to get pregnant and then deal with pregnancy and juggle a baby when her career is going full-force.

Furthermore, many women discover that it’s not as easy to get pregnant at 38 as it would have been at 22.

And while frum women continue to have children throughout their fertile years, a non-Jewish journalist pointed out that for other Western women who anyway only plan on 1-3 children, it makes more sense to build your family when you’re on the upside of fertility, when you’re young and can deal with sleepless nights (she makes the point that college students often throw themselves into all-nighters: study sessions, parties, discussions & heart-to-heart talks, etc), and are still at the beginning of their career.

Yes, building a career (if a woman wants) goes more slowly with young children, but it’s better to do things that way and hit your momentum when they are relatively self-sufficient teenagers rather than hit your momentum—and then need to slow down or stop to deal with birth, recovery, and a child who will be very dependent on you for the next few years.

The Best Feeling Ever

When I had my first child at the age of 24, one of my initial feelings—in addition to (and actually because of) new-baby ecstasy—was betrayal.

Not only did I realize I’d been lied to my whole life, but that I’d been lied to very badly.

And I felt so betrayed.

Having a baby was one of the best things to ever happen to me.

I felt so lucky and grateful. I felt like my baby was a treasure and that I somehow merited the great fortune of this special treasure being given to me.

Also, I felt a love that I’d never felt before.

But before I continue, it bears noting that every situation is different. Some people get the baby blues after birth, some people face emergencies, tragedies, or colicky babies, and some people don’t feel joy but feel heavy (albeit not unpleasant) responsibility instead. Varying amounts of anxiety are often part of the post-partum recovery too.

And that’s all in the realm of normal and nothing to feel guilty or defective about. If you do feel tremendous joy after birth, it’s a big chessed from Hashem and something for which to be grateful.

And I also faced difficulties. Just as 2 examples: The healing episiotomy hurt and was a nuisance to care for. The nursing went pretty badly and was excruciatingly painful for an entire month (despite following all the expert nursing advice), and it continued to be an unexpectedly stress-filled hassle until I got pregnant with the next child around 8 or 9 months later. Phew!

And despite the ups and downs of parenthood, the times when I wanted to run away, and the times when I feel like a big failure as a mother, I always feel like me kids are the best thing I’ve ever done in life. (And I didn’t even do it—it was Hashem! But still.)

But I was deeply in love with the baby himself. And that kind of love is a very pure love to experience because it’s so strong, intense, joyful—and selfless. A baby only takes and can’t give anything back (except smiles—but only after a few weeks). So you’re just rejoicing in the free gift of his very existence—pretty heady stuff.

And I had no idea I would feel that way until I did.

The Truth about Marriage & Motherhood

And I was just like, “Why, oh why did everyone always make this out to be so awful? Why is it considered so miserable and limiting that it needs to be pushed off until you’ve fully ‘lived life’ first?”

Why is the emphasis always on the hardships of motherhood and not the fulfillment or the rewards?

I felt like I’d only started living life with his birth! I realized that I didn’t have a life before I had my kids.

And I felt regret that I hadn’t gotten married and pregnant right out of high school instead of wasting my time. (It would’ve been kinder for my husband too, instead of him suffering through shidduchim until I finally got my act together.)

Yet when I told someone, “If only I’d known how great this would be, I’d have done this much earlier!”, she laughed and said, “But were you ready before now?”

“Well, no,” I said.

“That’s what everyone says,” she told me. “They all wish they’d done this earlier, but admit they weren’t ready before.”

She’s right—but she’s also wrong.

Her comment got me thinking…why wasn’t I ready until I married at 23?

Well, I needed to become frum first and to get myself solidly into the Torah life. But other than that?

An informal survey showed me that I wasn’t alone in feeling that any major inner growth came because of marriage and children, and not a result of work prior to marriage and children.

Many women feel that the experience of dealing with marriage and children increased their emotional maturity—maturity and inner growth that couldn’t come any other way.

Needless to say, marriage and children don’t guarantee peak emotional maturity. There are many immature and irresponsible parents walking around. Furthermore, some people are so dysfunctional, they really shouldn’t get married or have children yet because they simply will not be able to rise to the occasion.

The point is that whatever level of emotional maturity you found yourself on before you married and procreated, that level rises after marriage and procreation. Usually. Most people are better people after marriage and children—even if they feel like they’re not.

This is because even during parenthood’s most stressful, miserable, and despairing times, you’re still doing something meaningful.

You’re rectifying profound soul issues and changing the world.

You can’t say that about partying, making money, climbing the corporate ladder, performing, falling into yet another meaningless relationship with no future, drinking, touring Paris, or lying on the beach with the latest bestseller.

Nurturing Different Facets of Self

Also, mothers manage to nurture other facets of their personalities. Just in the frum community, there’s a wealth of shiurim and classes for dance, drama, art, music, sewing, fruit-carving, cake-decorating, pastry-making, healthy meals, and much more. (The variety depends where you live.)

Taking courses either online or a couple of times a week at available hours gives mothers degrees and skills for paying jobs.

It’s more of a juggle when you have kids, but it’s definitely doable—at least to a certain extent. And many if not most mothers participate in activities outside the domestic sphere, so it's obviously a realistic thing.

The Other Big Lie

The other big lie—and it’s a lie by omission—is that you can't push things off until later in life.

When is that option ever offered?

You CAN push things off until later in life. And it’s okay to do that.

Just like secular society encourages people to push off marriage and children until later in life, you can do that with other things too.

For example, I know so many women who made a career change, starting in their late forties. Their kids were older or out of the house and they started taking courses toward a new degree. Then they phased out their old career to start the new one around fifty.

What’s wrong with that?

NOTHING.

As a personal example, there are certain activities and classes I’d like to indulge in, but I don’t have the time or extra money right now. And that’s perfectly fine! I’m not tortured by their absence right now and it gives me something to look forward to in my fifties and sixties. Why not?

What is the big pressure to do everything (except child-bearing) before you’re 40?

It’s not a coincidence that youth-and-hedonism-worshiping Hollywood pushes this whole deception. Those degenerates portray the world as they honestly see it.

But it’s a big tragedy that so many people fall into it.

Related posts:
Breaking Out of the Big Lie about Motherhood

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The Real Purpose of a Home & Family

5/12/2018

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Several years ago, Hamodia printed a column in which Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller contrasted 2 different mother-daughter relationships.

In one scenario, the mother allowed her teenage daughter to pour out her heart and thoughts with no restraint. The daughter discussed her perceptions of other people using their names and any other identifying information without a second thought. Both the mother and the daughter viewed their relationship as “close” and one of sharing.

Yet Rebbetzin Heller noted that a relationship based on lashon hara doesn’t possess genuine intimacy.

In contrast, she described a relationship in which the mother and daughter felt close to each other, but the mother allowed the daughter to discuss others only when necessary and without names or any other identifying details (unless there was a to’elet—a beneficial purpose—in revealing these details).

This revolutionary (for me at that time) idea struck me because I hadn’t considered that placing boundaries on a child’s conversation could still facilitate a close relationship with that child. My own children were still young at that time and Hashem led me to read this column before I needed to—which was great preparation for my future relationship with them.

Even now, it’s surprising how much a child can confide without telling me anything more identifying than “a classmate of mine” or “a kid in the neighborhood.”

Yes, sometimes names and identifying details need to be revealed, but not usually. And even when the child can’t avoid telling you who’s bothering them, the other laws of lashon hara l’to’elet need to be observed.

There are no hard-and-fast rules about this. Age, for example, can be a deciding factor. Child-parent discussions involving lashon hara l’to’elet occur at the parents’ discretion and since it’s impossible to be perfect about this, you just give it your best shot based on whatever knowledge you have of the situation and the halacha.

But I’d grown up with the modern child psychology that children need all their feelings validated and that any lashon hara they spoke was automatically l’to’elet because a child “needs” that outlet in the parent.

However, one thing that Judaism (and Rebbetzin Heller’s column) emphasizes is how the home is really training ground to bring out your child’s soul-potential.

Our job as parents is to train the child to be the best he or she can be and consequently earn the best Olam Haba possible.

The only way to do this is to do the following:

First, as parents, work on our own middot.
Secondly, to train our children to adhere to halacha.

And while I knew that “being friends” with one’s child is not good for them, I had a harder time breaking away from the idea that children need to be happy and a parent needs to build a child’s self-esteem. It didn’t help that many very well-meaning chinuch “experts” opined that a happy child-parent relationship was necessary to prevent children from going off the derech. The child needed to feel loved and also love the parents.

It sounds so nice and logical. What could be the problem with it?

Doing What's REALLY Best for Your Child

As one rebbetzin explained to me in my early years of motherhood, a parent cannot focus on making a child happy.

A parent must focus on doing what’s best for the child, regardless of how hard that is for the parent or how much the child dislikes it. Determining parental success or failure by how the child feels about the parent creates a recipe for disaster.
(You can see more details about that exchange in Allowing Others Their Own Life Journey.)

Also, what I didn't realize back then was that self-esteem cannot be given, it can only be earned by a person through making moral choices and taking the higher road (even if it's only a tad higher than the road everyone else is taking).

In other words, parents can teach their children how to earn & cultivate their own self-esteem, but parents cannot give their children self-esteem.

And yeah, I'm still cleaning up the mess from having gone with the child psychology of the 80s & 90s.

(Fortunately, Hashem helps.)

Furthermore, it's not hard to notice that many children with seemingly close & friendly relationships with their parents grew distant or even angry at their parents later while many strictly raised children ended up becoming close and appreciative of their parents later.

Yes, parents whose strictness is based on being control-freaks or who are too lazy to say yes when saying no is easier have given firm boundaries & high expectations a bad reputation. But those parents aren’t doing what’s best for the child; they are simply indulging their own bad middot and ignoring their children’s feelings for their own convenience while pretending they are being responsible parents.

But to parent wisely, the only question that needs to be answered is:
What is BEST for my child?

Not what makes me, the parent, happier. And not what makes the child happier. But is BEST?

This actually takes enormous self-discipline, self-honesty, and most of all:
Copious prayer.

And it is the real challenge of parenthood.

May we all succeed in raising our children according to their derech and may both we and Hashem receive a lot of nachat d'kedushah from them.

Here are some helpful halachic Q&A regarding lashon hara between parents and children:
hamodia.com/columns/mishmeres-hasholom-ask-rav-151/
https://hamodia.com/columns/mishmeres-hasholom-ask-rav-140/
https://hamodia.com/columns/mishmeres-hasholom-ask-rav-137/
https://hamodia.com/columns/mishmeres-hasholom-ask-rav-136/

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Who's the Fairest of Them All?

16/11/2018

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Here's a gem from Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah for Parshat Vayetzei:

Big, frum families are a glory.

Here you have a mother pushing two babies in a carriage, with six older children holding on. It’s the most beautiful sight one can imagine.

Now, this woman is a plain woman to the outside world.

She’s dressed simply, she’s looks harried – of course she does; she has her children on her mind. She’s worried about them. She’s thinking about supper, and bedtime, and cleaning the house, and this child’s problem, and that child. She’s running a big operation, a big company, and has a lot on her shoulders.

So to the outside world, this woman is not the personification of the beautiful woman, of the perfect woman.

But to us, those who see the world through the eyes of Hashem, there is nothing more beautiful and more perfect than the mothers of our people.

That’s the genuine beauty!

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The True History of Women's Work

12/8/2018

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In the frum world, people like to romanticize the Yiddishe mama who enjoyed nothing more than tending to her mikdash me'at, her home and family.

And this was true about some women, but for others it was a mix of ups and downs with regard to how they felt.

Since time immemorial, women based their identity on their roles as mothers and wives. (Case in point: In the not-so-distant past, American wives registered themselves as Mrs. Wayne Johnson, and so on.)

Marriage and parenthood were important goals in both the Jewish and non-Jewish worlds for both men and women.

In the Jewish world, unmarried women and childless women were pitied (as were unmarried men and childless men, for that matter) and they themselves experienced deep anguish from their lack of spouse or lack of children. Anything that interfered with an upcoming wedding (such as a missing dowry, etc) caused a crisis. Jews invested copious prayers and blessings from tzaddikim to change an unmarried or childless state.

Yet things changed in the last couple of generations.

And no matter how hard they've tried, many frum Jewish women end up feeling frustrated at not being able to recapture and fulfill the romanticized image erected on the pedestal of pa'am (the olden golden days of yore).

When frum women turn for guidance, they're often told "things have changed" and "today's women just can't be satisfied being housewives."

And with that, women are encouraged toward careers and all sorts of pastimes (there's a chug for every inclination!), all the while being reminded to "put family first."

Yet this never made sense to me.

If a women's innate nature has always found joy and satisfaction in being elbow-deep in scrubbing soiled cloth diapers against a washboard or cooking over coals or dealing with all her family in a home of just one or two rooms and finding fulfillment in dealing with toddlers all day, then why can't we recapture that?

After all, it's innate NATURE.

Could it be that innate nature changed so much?

But after talking to people who actually lived in such times, reading memoirs and autobiographical anecdotes, and looking into Chazal, I realized that nature hasn't changed.

Focus has changed. Values have changed.

But maternal nature actually hasn't.

Chore Delegation

Whenever given the choice and the financial capability, women almost always chose to delegate their responsibilities to hired help.

True, sometimes a woman performed a chore herself IF she felt the hired help wouldn't do it properly. But barring that, women delegated their responsibilities to others.

Wealthy women even delegated feeding to wet nurses.

So if the above are true (and they are), then what of the airbrushed picture of the frum Jewish housewife living in poverty, her heart brimming with joy in her duties?

What Changed, Exactly?

First of all, if you grew up as 1 of 8 kids in a hut in 19th-Century Poland, then that was normal life for you. In fact, your initial years of marriage (with just you, hubby, and the first couple of babies) may even have felt like a break after having grown up crammed with so many other people in such a small space and all the work that entailed.

You may have sometimes dreamed of a nicer home with servants, but that wasn't so realistic, so you just made do with what you had -- which is exactly what you were used to anyway AND exactly how everyone around you lived.

So you did what you were raised to do and what everyone around you did, and you tried to do it with a good attitude.

Although not everyone managed to keep a smile on their face.

In her autobiography, Gutta: Memoirs of a Vanished World, Gutta recalls sympathetically the impoverished Jewish woman who lived in cramped airless conditions with little light and extracted little with which to nurture their children.

In fact, a major part of Gutta's work as a Beis Yaakov teacher was to provide her more impoverished students with the nurturing, affection, and attention they lacked at home.

Another autobiography hinted at how a constant state of hunger challenged the middot of an otherwise loving mother, noting that when the family's economic standing improved, the mother was much calmer and more pleasant.

But either way, this is radically different than today's world.

In Western society today, people don't necessarily grow up with children around them. Four children is already considered a big family by many people today. Some girls babysit, but a lot don't.

I didn't say that people don't grow up with babies or small children at all, but it's certainly not how it used to be.

Today, you don't spend your life with there always being a baby or toddler around. And even if your immediate family didn't have a baby or toddler around, your extended family members and your older married siblings did.

Particularly coming from the secular world, many new mothers need to be taught numerous tasks that you see preteen girls performing for their younger siblings in the frum world.

Another difference is attitude.

Many women feel that the chores, the cooking, and the demands of their children are demeaning somehow.

Yes, women of yore also felt exhausted and frustrated by it all. They may have wished they could afford a cook, a nanny, and a housekeeper. But they didn't feel like they should be doing something "better." Particularly for frum women, what was better or more important than your home and family?

If you've grown up with just one or two siblings (and each of you in your own room, naturally), and everyone occupied in various ways with toys and gadgets and videos, and without any cultural emphasis or appreciation of housework and child care, then entering into marriage and motherhood presents quite a challenge.

It's nothing you're used to.

Adding to that is that American society is not a child-oriented society. For all its safety regulations for children and promotion of the health and happiness of children, it's really not child-oriented. I only noticed this once I'd entered the frum community in America and then when I came to Israel, which is a very child-oriented society. After seeing this difference, I realized that America really isn't into children and doesn't really know how to relate to them or to mothers. Of course, there are some exceptions, but in general, America is not child-oriented. (Also in contrast to American society, I think Russians are child-oriented, culturally speaking. Maybe in a different way than Israelis are child-oriented, but Russians still have more of a child-orientation than most Americans.)

Anyway, I'm not even sure "child-oriented" is the exact term to describe what I mean, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

Of particular concern are today's teens who spend so much time on their phones in their rooms. Studies show that today's teens are less likely to go out to even traditional fun events for teens, like shopping, getting a drivers license, partying, and more. Because of diminished physical interaction, homicide is down among teens -- but suicide is up.

After spending a good chunk of your life on your phone in virtual relationships, how will it feel to get up at night for a child or to read books together or deal with potty-training and spoon-feeding or driving to pick up groceries, buy baby clothes, or take a child to the park? How will it feel to have to coordinate life with a spouse?

Because of this drastic change in cultural norms, many women find housework and motherhood overwhelming.

They simply aren't used to it.

It doesn't feel right.

On the contrary, it may even feel all wrong.

Cracking the Myth of the Never-Working Woman

Surprising truth: There have always been working women, including working mothers.

No, not in droves as they do today. And not with the variety of employment opportunities women enjoy today. (Men, for that matter, also enjoy a far wider variety of employment opportunities than ever before.)

But there have ALWAYS been women who earned money and engaged in work outside their family responsibilities.

In Caddie Woodlawn, Caddie's mother raised turkeys to sell every November, usually making a nice profit from that.

Almanzo Wilder's mother turned a nice profit by selling her butter.

As a married woman herself, Laura Ingalls Wilder attempted to supplement the family income by selling her own butter and eggs. Later, she wrote articles for a local farm publication and then her bestselling books.

Women worked as nurses, midwives, seamstresses, laundresses, helped their husband run the family store, taught school (as long as they weren't married), babysat, helped their husband with his business (sometimes as a full and very successful partner, including successfully taking over the business if the husband died or was incapacitated), and more.

In addition, working women are mentioned in Chazal.

The Working Woman of Valor

In the famous section of Mishlei, Eishet Chayil (A Woman of Valor), Shlomo Hamelech describes a woman who makes a sheet and sells it in Mishlei 31:29.

Metzudat David explains it to mean a woman who makes sheets for her own needs, then sells the surplus.

Ralbag describes a woman who made sheet, which she then passes on to a merchant to sell on her behalf in order for her to acquire capital buy "all that her soul desires."

Malbim explains that she wove both a sheet and a belt, which she then sold to a merchant. Then she distributed her earnings to the poor, creating for herself spiritual garments to don when she eventually leaves her physical garments, enabling her to indeed be "clothed in oz and hadar and laugh on her last day." (Nice peirush, eh?)

The Ben Ish Chai also recommends that women who earn their own money use it to ease the financial burden of her husband (by buying her own cosmetics and personal needs) and distribute money to the poor.

Prior to that verse, 31:16 describes a woman who examines a field and purchases it. Metzudat David, Ibn Ezra, Ralbag, and Malbim all explain this to mean an intelligent business woman, and interpret the following verses as proof of her financial acumen and success (i.e., the yield of the field is good, and which enables her to acquire a vineyard, etc.), which allows her to ease things for her husband and provide for the poor of her community.

Both the Malbim in 31:18 explains that she works for her actual needs, without making a career out of it. Malbim says: "Gam lo tiyached mischara rak b'avor ha'arev v'hamo'eel l'tzorech atzmah" -- She won't make the business something special and stand-out (tiyached is like meyuchad), just what is pleasant and useful for her specific needs.

Metzudat David 31:19 explains that even as she puts her mind to business, mikol makom lo zazah mimalechet nashim -- nonetheless, she doesn't move on from women's work; she still tends to her domestic duties.

Interestingly, the Sages advise/assume that a married woman's earnings go toward her own needs (so that she can ease her husband's burden) and toward tzedakah & gemilut chasedim.

This apparently is their ideal for the working wife & mother of valor.

Real Stories of Domestic Struggles

In Colonial America, Massachusetts midwife Martha Ballard kept a diary during the years 1785-1812.

Martha only started midwifery after her own childbearing years were long past and she could rely on her young adult daughters to run the home while she was at a delivery. After those daughters married, Martha relied on hired help, which was not nearly as reliable as her daughters.

Based on what she describes in her diary, Martha prefers gardening and delivering babies to housework.

This is clearly not an influence from the feminist movement or modern mores, but an innate personal preference.

In fact, many modern women can relate to her description upon returning home in 1796 from her 612th delivery:

“I returned home and find my house up in arms. How long will G-d preserve my strength to perform as I have done of late, He only knows. May I trust in Him at all times and do good...May He give me strength...”

"Up in arms" paints an image of a house weaponized against its owner. One pictures Martha arriving at home only to encounter unfolded laundry aiming a shot gun or dust bunnies armed with tomahawks.

Two years later, she again wrote of coming home at 10 a.m.:

“...find my house alone and in arms. Did not find time to sit down until 2 p.m.”

Yet another time, she was called for a delivery in the middle of butchering a calf. She came back a day later to find the kitchen still a bloody mess with the calf head lying where she left it. Neither her husband nor her 2 sons still living at home had tended to things in her working absence.

Due to the strenuous journeys Martha sometimes needed to make to arrive at a delivery on time, she noted that she arrived at work "almost fatigued to death."

The above are probably familiar sentiments for some working wives or mothers.

Yet while Martha found domestic duties a burden, she still felt they were important.

Another example:
One of my relatives, born in the South at the beginning of America's Civil War, wrote a long poem in 1934 about her struggle to face the daily question of "What's for dinner?"

Here are 3 excerpts from that poem (the original contains a stanza for each day of the week):

The Dinner Question

"What shall we have for dinner?"
Is the eternal cry.
Every day it is the same
There is no getting by.
***
Monday - Hurry with the washing!
Have the water boiling hot.
But what shall we have for dinner?
I really don't care what.
***
So it is the year around,
The same old cry I hear:
"What shall we have for dinner?"
Until my mind is not quite clear.

She preceded feminism and even WWII's Rosie the Riveter. So she wasn't affected by feminist thought or attitudes. Like a lot of us, she finds dinner a challenge, made even more challenging by the more labor-intensive preparation necessary before modern appliances became common.

However, she didn't find it demeaning or unfair. She just didn't feel up to all the time, especially as she aged -- and especially on days packed with other labor-intensive demands, like laundry day.

So the modern working woman who doesn't feel like putting together dinner after a hard day's work isn't so different than this old-time Southern woman who also didn't feel like putting together dinner after a hard day's work.

Don't Give Up!

What's the point of reading all this?

Well, I feel like women today can end up feeling second-rate.

Why?

Not because of the new and worse value system or emphasis or focus.

Focus and values CAN be changed. It takes some work, depending on your personality and background influences, but they can be changed.

But many frum women feel second-rate because of their actual feelings.

There's a fairy tale that women performed all their domestic duties with a song in their heart and a dance in their step, with Jewish women practically swooning from the uplifting holiness of working in their mikdash me'at.

Yes, women experienced fulfillment.

Yes, there were aspects they enjoyed.

And yes, their domestic responsibilities were important to them.

But again, that doesn't mean that they never felt overwhelmed, exhausted, fed up, or frustrated similar to how you feel sometimes.

They did!

And whenever possible, they usually hired someone else to fulfill these duties.

(Although it's important to note that even when a mother hired a nanny or a wet-nurse, the mother was around. She was able to oversee both her child and her child's caretaker. Passing one's very young child into another's care - especially into a group situation - AND being far from them is a modern construct.)

You're not second-rate or "not good enough" because you struggle to feel the holiness of mopping your floors or because you're desperate to hire someone else to clean the bathrooms or because you send your 2-year-old out to gan.

You're not second-rate or "not good enough" because you prefer reading a book to making dinner.

You're not second-rate or "not good enough" because you feel the need for a paying job in addition to your domestic responsibilities. ("Zamama sadeh v'tikachehu..." 31:18)

Like I said, FEELINGS haven't changed much over time.

I think that because women are taught that their feelings make them second-rate, it's part of why it is so hard for some women to invest in their families and homes.

They think that "things have changed" and are impossible to resolve.

So why even bother trying?

Therefore, this post is here to VALIDATE your feelings.

You're actually not so different than the women of yore.

Nor are you hopeless.

Don't despair.

Then vs Now: The Conclusion

So to sum up:

A woman's main focus was on her home. THAT'S what's changed.
But women's feelings toward domestic responsibilities haven't changed so much.
Whenever possible, women generally tried to delegate ALL her domestic responsibilities to others.
A frum women prized both her housework and a good attitude...
...but depending on her situation, she didn't always succeed in doing so.
Many women weren't content with housework and childcare alone; they needed more.
You're not second-rate or not good enough if you don't enjoy housework or childcare.
Girls raised to value domestic responsibilities find them easier to bear as women.
Societal mores create difficult struggles and despair for women today.
It's okay and even natural if you don't find housework & childcare so enthralling.
Don't despair of yourself. You're not nearly as bad/hopeless/meh as you may have been led to believe.

Finally, there is a world of difference between feeling like you want servants or nannies because you're tired, overwhelmed, and don't enjoy the work...and feeling like you want servants or nannies because the job just "isn't for you" or it's beneath you and you should be doing something "better" and "more important."

Do you see the difference?

Modern feminism inserted the "more important" bug into women's brains.

THAT'S the attitude that's changed.

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2 Posts for Prayers & the Oncoming School Year

9/8/2018

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This is really late to be posting about praying for the upcoming school year (which starts on Sunday for many frum children), but here it is anyway (because I forgot until now):

A Short Yet Powerful Tefillah for Our Children

How Praying for Your Child Can Work

May all our children enjoy a school year brimming with bracha and hatzlacha and good health!

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The Roller Coaster of Family Life

9/8/2018

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It's funny (and hopefully surprisingly pleasant) how things work out sometimes.

For example, school vacation is often a bit of a challenge for me (as it is for many parents). Yes, there are a lot of fun and geshmak moments, but stressful stuff happens too.

So I wasn't sure how this summer vacation would go.

For the past few years, some or all of my older kids like to stay up most of the night during vacations. But their talking and moving around the apartment sometimes woke me up or even worse, woke up the youngest, who until this past year had been an inconveniently light sleeper.

(They didn't mean to be noisy; they thought they were being quiet enough. And if the youngest woke up, they offered to take care of him so I could go back to sleep. So not bad kids at all.)

And as far as the daily routine with my 3-year-old before this summer break?

Well, this past year, my 3-year-old would come home from gan and then it was a struggle to keep him occupied until the evening. We went to the park or shopping many times. Baruch Hashem, he walks well and has been one of my best kids about holding my hand; he doesn't even want to run off, which is a huge chessed. So it's just a matter of hopping on a bus with no need to lug a stroller. We also read books. And during the last month, we sometimes hosted a friend from gan in the afternoons, along with the friend's helpful older brother.

But still. It was a lot of hours and it was every single day. And the truth is that I don't always feel like reading preschool books or going out or being responsible for both my child and someone else's.

My 3-year-old is also a real screamer whenever he wants anything. (This has been a big adjustment for me because I succeeded in being mechanech the rest of my kids not to cry, scream, or tantrum. I guess Hashem is showing me that it wasn't my successful chinuch, but His that enabled success until now -- thanks, Hashem!) My 3-year-old has been that way since he was born. Even as a newborn, he immediately screamed for all he was worth upon waking up at night for a feeding, instead of starting out with little baby whimpers or crying like most babies do.

So I was looking toward this summer vacation with both hope and trepidation.

Yet I forgot to take into account how happy my 3-year-old is when his older siblings are around. He's really bored without them and that was part of the problem during the year; his siblings mostly aren't around until the evening or until Shabbat.

He's quite attached to me, but I guess that a middle-aged mother just isn't nearly as much fun as a teenage brother -- no surprise there, eh?

So it ended up that my 3-year-old has been so happy and well-occupied these weeks. In fact, he has never been easier! The other kids have been in and out on various hiking trips up North, swimming, yeshivat bein hazmanim, and work (depending which kid). Some still hang out in the living room at night when they should be sleeping, but for whatever the reason, it hasn't disturbed my own sleep (or their little brother's sleep) this time -- baruch Hashem.

Also, one child got a new job with a better chevra (working with a Breslover chassid instead of Christians and Muslims as he was before) and more interesting work that involves a lot of traveling and perks. (For example, after finishing up work at a naval base, his Breslov boss decided that as long as they were by the sea, they should go swimming and enjoy the beach for the rest of the evening.) He also works more normal, consistent hours than he did before.

So that's been a big bracha and positive change.

Needless to say, there can still be a lot of mess and noise and occasional sibling friction, but it feels normal, not overwhelming.

So oddly enough, I feel like I could use another week of what has ended up being a real vacation, instead of starting back to school on Sunday.

And now, I'm dreading this. I actually wish summer vacation would keep going on...

My 3-year-old will start a new gan in the same school his brothers attended. We know the teacher because he taught 2 of our children, and they loved him. (They also came home with Yemenite accents because that's how this teacher speaks, which is very heartwarming and something to look forward to with this child too.)

But our 3-year-old has never transitioned well in anything since he was born, and tends to fight any change with all his little might. So he'll be in a new place with a new teacher and riding to school in a hired van with strangers instead of being escorted by a family member. (Yes, we'll take him to school the first couple of days, but after that, it's the hired van.)

Oh, and I forgot to mention that he gets sick easily, more than all my other kids. When adjusting to gan this past year (with a ganenet who invested her heart in him), he was constantly getting sick for the first couple of months. (Until the age 2.5, he'd been at home with me.) Plus he's erratic and stubborn with his wake/sleep cycles, so despite gan hours being from 8AM-1PM, we often only managed to get him to gan around 10.

So I'm REALLY dreading the start of this new school year. Yes, I've been davening to Hashem that he transitions well, but with his screaming, physical strength, and tendency to get sick especially when stressed, I'm really not sure how this is going go. I'm wondering if I'm facing a very stressful month ahead, a month which will demand a lot of me both physically and emotionally.

But maybe Hashem will pleasantly surprise me again.

This is when a person finds herself in that no-man's land:
I know that whatever will be will be for our best benefit. Even all the stressful stuff with him before was for our benefit (even as it sometimes drove me to tears and overwhelming anxiety).

But at the same time, I'm really dreading going through everything again, with the extra pressure of dealing with a greater distance and transportation and less flexibility regarding times, etc.

On the other hand, there's so much to be grateful for: We know the teacher and we know he's so good with this age, we know our child will enjoy playing with other boys and learning new things. We like the school. The van hired for transport seems responsible.

So there's what my mind knows and what my heart feels. And they're at odds.

We'll see how things go.

And however it goes...gam zu l'tovah!

(At least that's what I plan to keep telling myself, even if I have to grit my teeth to say it. ;-)

I'm pretty sure this photo of these precious Jewish boys learning Torah was taken in Yemen.

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Personal Royalty

Don't Forget This Part of Meal-Planning

Which Building is Really Built to Last?

What Kind of Home are We Creating?

An Unknowingly Pivotal Decision

A Leopard is Never Embarrassed by His Spots; Why Change His Spots Just because His Wife Wants to Make a Kiddush Hashem?

A Whole New & Invigorating Angle

Spiritual Vision vs. Narrow Vision

​Yet as long as you see yourself in the eyes of the negative labels, you probably won't handle your nisayons in the best way possible.​Therefore, you're less likely to fulfill your pre-ordained journey and rectify that which Hashem sent you to This World for in the first place.

You're NOT as Hopeless as Portrayed!

Contagious Enthusiasm for the Mundane

More Thrilling than a Rollercoaster

A Zest for Life: The Blessing of Small Children

The Best Feeling Ever

The Truth about Marriage & Motherhood

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Then vs Now: The Conclusion

Myrtle Rising

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Yet as long as you see yourself in the eyes of the negative labels, you probably won't handle your nisayons in the best way possible.

Therefore, you're less likely to fulfill your pre-ordained journey and rectify that which Hashem sent you to This World for in the first place.