Category: Parenting

All Beginnings are Difficult: Homeschooling

30/3/2020

Years ago, during a blessedly short stint as a kiruv rebbetzin, I found myself with a 4-year-old at home with me all day.

His brother, older than him by 1 grade, needed to be in school. Because of the exorbitant American tuition of private school, we could not afford to put the 4-year-old in school too.

Fortunately, Hashem had me irrationally (or so I thought at the time) save all his older brother's weekly sum-up sheets (daf kesher) from school last year, so I actually had all the material necessary to homeschool this child.

I decided to get started homeschooling via candy.

That, and this 4-year-old being a particularly well-behaved, acquiescent, and intelligent child, made me believe that homeschooling would be a breeze.

Only it wasn't.

The child refused to learn. He got distracted easily. He wouldn't listen. He wouldn't participate.

I tried different methods (rewards, a this-is-fun! approach, calm yet firm, calm yet stern, etc.) and absolutely nothing worked.

I started to feel like a failure. I also started to panic. Planning return to Eretz Yisrael at some point, I felt frantic about him being place a year behind.

Then I decided to consult with one of the other young women who'd also come from Eretz Yisrael in our kiruv group.

She'd been teaching in Eretz Yisrael for several years and loved her profession. She was also a determined, passionate, intelligent, and organized person whom I was sure could offer me good advice.

(In general, she was good at giving good advice.)

But when I explained my goals and my problems to her, she gazed at me intently without answering.

Finally, she said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but in my experience, parents can't teach their children. Children simply refuse to learn from their parents."

Flummoxed, I began stammering my response. But what about all the homeschooling parents? And what about parents who do homework with their children (knowing full well that homework is often a miserable stress on the parents and the cause of much child-parent tension)?

She shook her head. "I don't know," she said. "It could be that because homeschooling parents started off that way, like the children were never in school, so the children simply adjusted to that reality. Or maybe because they don't offer any other choice, so eventually the children come around."

She sighed and looked at me with great seriousness. "But I really don't know how homeschoolers do it. Because in my experience, it just doesn't happen." She paused. "Even me. My children won't learn from me."

"Really?" I said. "And you know how to teach!"

She nodded with a rueful smile. "Yeah. And I REALLY know how to teach! Parents love me because I give my all to my students and make sure that every one is working up to her full potential. And I've tried teaching my own children. But I just can't. They simple won't learn from me."

It was a comfort to know that I wasn't doing anything wrong; the situation was simply a genuinely challenging one.

So I mostly gave up and baruch Hashem, we were back in Eretz Yisrael a few months later and the 4-year-old was able to catch up.

(Interestingly, it was the older child who got messed up with school and switching languages & programs twice in one year.)

But why I am telling you this story?

Regardless of the Current Results, You're Doing a Great Job. Really.

It's not to discourage those of you who have found yourself quarantined into an impromptu homeschool.

By the way, I'm also homeschooling my 5-year-old now. We started off with a couple of minutes of morning davening. (Disappointingly, that was a grueling & frustrating activity for the first week, but then got better). Then we started doing very small amounts of reading. I also expected that to go well because this child loves reading his worksheets from school, but has suddenly dug in his heels about reading with us with no impetus from school (although that also improved a bit recently).

I decided to make parsha and weekly topics his bedtime story, so hopefully that will go well.

And no, we're not overwhelming him. Literally a couple of minutes for davening and then for reading should not be a huge pressure. (Except that for some reason it is. Even with chocolate.)

This time, there really is no choice and I know I must keep plowing ahead. (Asking Hashem to make this go more smoothly has definitely helped.)

But the point is for you homeschoolers to realize that teaching your own children, ESPECIALLY after they've been habituated to classroom schooling, is a real transition and a real challenge.

If you're not accomplishing what you hoped with homeschooling (even if you made sure to start out with minimum standards) or if you're finding it very frustrating and stagnating...then please know there is nothing wrong with you or your child.

It's the situation.

It's a genuinely difficult situation. As we saw above, even a successful, experienced, professional teacher struggled with teaching her own children.

Yes, it ultimately can be done, and Hashem grants siyata d'Shmaya in situations like this, but please don't blame yourself or think that you're doing something "wrong" or that you're missing some secret "key" to homeschooling.

You're not. You're totally fine.

And also, I've read accounts of committed homeschooling moms who described days that, even for them, the kids just won't settle down to learn or the mom just can't bring herself to teach them that day. (Or even a few days in a row.)

So it's not easy-shmeezy for anyone.

Also, we're all getting ready for Pesach right now.

So...please don't feel bad.

Please feel good.

Because whatever you're doing (even if you haven't actually accomplished much with the kids) is all part of the effort and the transition, and you deserve a lot of credit for any efforts you are making.

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How Turning to Torah Can Help Us Sift through A Lot of Confusion to Find the Right Path (with a special emphasis on chinuch)

5/3/2020

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Several years ago, I found myself with more time on my hands than I'd had in years.

Baruch Hashem, my Hebrew skills had also improved.

I knew that it was very important for women to know Tanach well (and mussar and relevant halacha), so I decided to study the parsha each week with the major commentaries.

Obviously, that goal meant biting off more than I could chew, which I realized after only a few weeks.

But it also brought some very nice surprises.

First of all, I fell in love with the Kli Yakar's peirush. With so much beautiful metaphor and so much sympathy toward women, it inspired me to focus on him & Rashi for the rest of the year.

Secondly, I realized that seeking out the good points in every scenario was a vital part of cultivating an authentically Jewish mindset.

No, not whitewashing bad behavior, but simply seeing the positive aspects or intentions of a situation.

Literally all the mefarshim do this.

It's especially interesting when juxtaposed with their uncompromising commitment to Truth, their tremendous fear & love of Hashem, their profound piety, and their clear-eyed ability to call a spade a spade.

For example, the Ohr Hachaim explains Hagar's untoward behavior toward Sara Imeinu after the birth of Yishmael as a well-intentioned misunderstanding of the relevant halachot.

Hagar wasn't even Jewish. Furthermore, she was of Egyptian stock and that's not good. It exerted a pull on her when the going got rough, as Rashi explained.

Yet the Ohr Hachaim saw her as not-as-bad-as-she-seems.

He did not approve of her behavior, but simply explained (using lots of proofs from the Gemara that my husband helped me with) that she hadn't meant to be so disrespectful; she'd simply misunderstand how the halacha worked.

The Kli Yakar also did this with Achashverosh, explaining that Achashverosh meant to atone for his sins via his use of the Temple garments and vessels.

(Please see The Kli Yakar - Parshat Titzaveh & How to Avoid being a Pathological Pollyanna–and scroll down to the section on Mountain of Sludge)

His intentions, explains the Kli Yakar, made Achashverosh "karov l'shogeg – close to being an unintentional sinner."

Close, but not quite.

The Kli Yakar still states unequivocally that Achashverosh was a rasha.

And those are just 2 examples.

Anyway, this attitude running through all the mefarshim brought me to realize that the truth of a matter is defined by seeing the positive in a situation.

NOT by denying wrongdoing or evil, but seeing some positive aspect, even if it's only a vague inner intention of the mind.

This is in direct contrast to Western society today, which considers negative statements of proof that you're seeing the truth.

What is a Real Courage or Honesty?

In the modern world, honesty is often defined by whether you are willing to state the negatives.

Courage is also often defined by the willingness to state the negatives.

In contrast, whenever a positive aspect is mentioned among the negatives, it's often contradicted or even shouted down.

Again, I'm not talking about using a positive to justify or defend bad behavior.

No.

Rather, if you state that there was a positive result amid negative consequences or acknowledge a good intention despite the wrong behavior, then you risk being accused of being in denial, being politically correct, an apologist, a flatterer or a suck-up, being too "nice," repressed, justifying or excusing bad behavior, and so on.

Today, it actually takes more courage to stand up and point out what is right or good.

Real honesty means stating the actual truth — the WHOLE truth.

Why Aspects of Mainstream Chinuch Feels Helpful, But Actually Isn't

This also helped me realize that a lot of the speakers and articles in the frum community calling attention to problems were attacking problems in the wrong way, especially regarding OTD youth — which is why we haven't seen much success with solving these issues.

Oh, yes, on an individual level, yes. A great many people have been helped.

But overall, we're seeing a downward trend in this particular area.

But why? With so many organizations and professionals available nowadays, and with so many classes, courses, and books on parenting, why are we having increasing problems with youth?

Even more striking, in families that possess a wide span between the oldest and the youngest child (meaning that their oldest is a married 40-year-old and their youngest is a 19-year-old in sem or yeshivah), the siblings don't even look or act like they were raised in the same family.

It's the same family, same parents, more or less same parenting (even though many times, the parents do raise their younger children differently than they raised their older ones), but a completely different generation.

I don't know all the reasons, but let's look at one, and that's the chinuch guidance many parents (particularly the mothers) received from chinuch "experts."

So what was happening in the world of frum parenting, starting around the 1990s (and in the 1970s-80s in the secular world)?

First of all, you would be inundated with very disturbing stories of people being mistreated by their frum parents or their frum school (which, again, is a reflection of the same trend starting earlier in the secular world).

VERY disturbing stories.

And they were often behaviors that no normal person would ever think to do...not even once.

In other words, you really don't need to warn parents and teachers NOT to do such things.

For example, some people are serial killers or mug little old ladies walking down the street.

Do you need to warn people NOT to do this?

Do you need to exhort against the terrible pain murder or mugging causes the victims?

NO. Of course you don't!

No remotely normal person WANTS to murder innocents or mug little old ladies.

So who were these chinuch people talking to with their really disturbing stories?

Taking the Most Horrible Extreme & Applying It to Normal People: Huh?

For contrast, let's turn this around:

If you're speaking to people who DO think serial killing or mugging little old ladies is a justifiable activity, do you think that telling them "this is really bad and here's why it's really bad" will stop them?

Likewise, most of the parents and teachers who are liable to act out in such abusive ways often lack the self-awareness to connect the stories (and their sad outcomes) to their own behavior.

(I'm talking about people who regularly exhibit dysfunctional behavior, not occasional one-offs.)

For example, back in the Nineties, a story made the rounds telling of an angry father who engaged in a physical abusive incident against his teenage daughter, violating several major Laws, plus the societal norm of behaving less aggressively to a girl than one would toward a boy.

This is obviously very disturbing.

It's also very unusual.

Because of this particular father tromping on both halachic & social restraints against such behavior, it's clear that there's something very wrong with him.

For example, Judaism is impeccably clear about the prohibition against becoming violently angry, and against bodily attacking people (unless for self-defense).

It's forbidden. This is the Rambam (Maimonides) and all the other major Sages throughout the ages.

Furthermore, this is his own child and a daughter (it's natural for fathers to be softer on their daughters than their sons).

Clearly, he is an abnormally dysfunctional person.

Now...would you personally ever do such a thing? Even if you're were really angry?

No, of course not.

Do you know anyone who does?

Probably not. Or if you do, you know ONE.

Yet this story was repeated ad nauseam and always presented in a "SEE WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR COMMUNITY – AAAAAAAGH!" approach.

Okay. Yes, OBVIOUSLY, it's very wrong and must be taken care of.

But what about all the good parents?

Not perfect parents, but people who are doing things right — or at least SINCERELY TRYING to do the right thing?

Why was chinuch instruction 97% of the time "SEE WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR COMMUNITY?!!! – AAAAAGH!" rather than "see what's right"?

Why was it so defensive and reactive (like, "we must prevent this horrible thing and its awful result!") instead of proactive ("Let's achieve this wonderful goal and strive for this lovely outcome – and you all have the beautiful soul potential within you to make it!")

Why couldn't they have presented it at least 50-50?

And why do I as a parent have to be lumped in the same category as the deranged father above, as if we all are on the brink of such behavior?

Again, the above chinuch-dynamic was a direct result of the surrounding culture and fashionable psychology of that time.

It wasn't an authentically Jewish style or method.

Yes, we were TOLD this was an authentically Jewish style, but as we all know, saying something doesn't make it true.

And we see now that it didn't help; our amount of problems with youth has increased.

This is because many of the allegedly Torah-based chinuch methods were not actually based on Torah.

Rabbi Borg Gives a Shiur

A few years ago, I attended a lecture given by one of the chinuch superstars.

Basically, it consisted of a detailed description of the dangers of all sorts of modern technology for our children, along with a detailed analysis of how there was no possible way to prevent our children from seeing or using this technology, no matter how aware & protective we are as parents.

And that was it.

Just really depressing & hopeless.

There was no finale like, "And so clearly, the only thing we can do is turn to Hashem. He set up this situation to bring us closer to Him — and show the power of the sincere heartfelt prayer of a loving parent!"

Or something like that.

But...nothing.

Just...all is hopeless. "We are the Borg. Resistance is futile."

Give up. Don't even try. There's no point because you cannot fight it anyway.

And where was God with this Borger rebbe?

I didn't see Him anywhere the entire lecture.

And just for knowing, I believe that Rabbi Borg intended to be helpful, but simply got caught up in the wrong mindset (i.e., a non-emunah mindset).

Ironically, a friend who also attended the lecture praised it.

The rabbi's knowledge of all the ins and outs of the situation impressed her.

When I pointed out that he offered no solutions or chizuk, she wasn't so bothered by that lack.

For her, the mere awareness of the issue was impressive. Yes, the rabbi was "raising awareness"! (This is another modern concept that can be positive if it actually leads to solutions—but the way society is set up, it often leads to impotent frustration instead, resulting in chafing masses.)

I think there's also relief in feeling that "I can't really do anything anyway," which superficially relieves self-blame and intense shame when things go wrong.

But you can have hope & personal responsibility WITHOUT toxic shame and self-recrimination.

And that is actually what Torah Judaism offers us.

By knowing that Hashem is cultivating every step of our individual journey for our benefit and by knowing that our neshamah is pristine and good, we can more easily face challenges without getting bogged down in miserable feelings.

You are Really Awful – But Fear Not! The Chinuch Expert is Here to "Save" You!

While reading the commentaries on the weekly parsha "raised my awareness" in a way that led me to solutions (i.e., let's see what people are doing RIGHT!), and I was able to change back then, I unintentionally revisited the issue more recently.

I ended up receiving a daily newsletter titled something like Merry Motherhood – Raising a Happy & Heimish Mishpacha!

It sounded good & I thought that having a daily chizuk for parenting would be good for me.

But I cancelled after a week because it such a downer.

Once again, I was reading about really awful parents & teachers, accompanied with an explanation about why this behavior is so bad and how important it is to avoid it.

Just like with the story of the deranged father above.

And the implication is that I need to know this, that your average parent needs to know this, because...we are liable to be really awful & abusive – unless we are told NOT to be!

Yes, there's a secret monster inside us all just waiting to jump out & devour our children & students!

We're all ticking time-bombs just waiting to explode!

Sigh...

It's such an incredibly negative & insulting message derived from modern pop psychology, in which everyone is pathologized and anyone who is emotionally healthy is simply labeled as "asymptomatic" or "no apparent dysfunction" or whatever.

In brainwashing people into thinking that they are innately bad, it can actually cause bad behavior.

It's also so un-Jewish.

Why assume the worst about everyone?

What about giving the benefit of the doubt?

Seeing a person's good points?

What about knowing that the core neshamah is good & help people access that?

And isn't it a tad arrogant for the "expert" to feel that he or she has achieved wonderfulness, but no one else is wonderful (unless, of course, they follow this expert's sage advice)?

What about realizing that Hashem is running things and that most people already possess a sense deep down of what's wrong or a sense of what their child needs, but may simply need help accessing that?

Why Did Things Move in This Direction? And What's the Real Solution?

Why did this method become so popular in the frum community?

I can't know everything, but these are some possible reasons:

(1) First of all, the Jewish neshamah has a definite Tzedek, tzedek tirdof (Justice, justice, thou shalt pursue) aspect to it.

Many, many Jews absolutely cannot stand to see any kind of unfairness or victimization.

So upon encountering abuse, the soul cries out.

And that's normal, even positive.

You want to protest this awful dynamic. You feel like it shouldn't go on for another moment and that it should never happen again.

You feel like it's absolutely unconscionable & must be stamped out immediately.

That's all good.

In fact, that's very good.

But it all depends on how this goodness is channeled.

In the secular world, assimilated Jews channel this via the only means they know: liberal values.

So they support socialism (and even communism), think that abortion & euthanasia are acts of compassion, and so on.

And they really believe they are fighting injustice.

Likewise, these frum professionals also believe they're doing something helpful by assuming the worst and slapping the most negative examples in our faces all the time.

Not to mention, it's so disturbing to hear that you the reader get all riled up...with absolutely no outlet for your outrage.

So you're all riled up and...?

So you also can end up hating the frum community because it's portrayed as so awful with no tikkun in sight.

(2) And even more deceptively, a lot of frum people think that things are better among the non-Jews. (And from personal experience? It's not.)

How did this misunderstanding happen?

For one thing, a lot of these chinuch people read the secular literature on child psychology, parenting, etc. Some learned in universities, even Orthodox universities, in which whatever-current-popular-psychology-model is promoted.

They consult with other frum people who've also been deeply influenced by pop psychology, particularly the Victim Model.

Additionally, all popular theories contain some grains of truth, else they wouldn't have such popular emotional appeal.

The Victim Model also has some grains of truth to it.

(3) I think we've all heard about the concept of a certain "ruach" that comes into the world at different times, which is why you'll see entire continents get caught up in the same ruach. Again, this needs to be channeled properly. We really need daas Torah to deal with any ruach.

(4) Finally, when you're working with difficult people & difficult situations, you get inundated by them, which makes it appear that the entire world is profoundly dysfunctional in THIS particular way, based on your copious encounters.

That's pretty normal. But again, it's important to cultivate yishuv hadaat by stepping back and re-orienting your perspective.

I admit that it bothers me a lot that many of these chinuch people are from a yeshivah background and they learn Gemara regularly (along with parsha & mussar).

And despite their Torah background, they are still so impacted by other influences, like the emotional appeal of pop psychology, the presentation of current popular theories as the only game in town, and their own correct outrage at the injustice, plus the fact that their profession causes them to be inundated with problems & giving them a skewed perspective.

And again, it's understandable why they're affected in this way, but I can't help feeling that their learning should provide more of a buffer and imbue them with more yishuv hadaat than they seem to exhibit.

For example, when I was in junior high & high school (in the American non-Jewish public school system), it seemed like the sxual abuse or exploitation of girls was all over the place.

And in the secular world, it actually kind of is.

For some reason, I attracted a lot of secret confidences at that age, so I think I was exposed to hearing this information more than others.

And these problem increased despite so much available support: hotlines widely available & advertised (including on TV shows popular with young people), vastly increased "awareness," specialized organizations, the widespread acceptability of going into treatment for any issue, support groups, female judges, female empowerment, and blah, blah, blah, blah.

For all it helped. (Not.)

Unfortunately, as is characteristic of Esav, the Western World has managed to convince nearly everyone that it holds the solutions to everything and that even though everything has obviously gotten much worse, the solutions still lies within their theories – and ONLY within THEIR theories – and that, anyway, no other society is doing any better.

That's what they claim.

And a lot of frum professionals totally swallow this, going so far as to look to the non-Jewish community for solutions — including the Catholic Church, of all things, like "Look at how the Catholic Church has dealt with their problems of abuse!"...and there's no cognizance that, while there are good people in the Catholic Church, overall it's an organization based on tumah & just wants to cover things up. If a perfunctory admission of guilt will make them look pretty, then they'll do that.

"Fauxpologies" (fake apologies) are very popular with bad people. Fauxpologies enable awful people to continue indulging themselves, more than almost any other strategy.

Beloved Am Yisrael, they are not an example to follow.

Note: Of course we can use the facilities of the non-Jewish world: transportation, hospitals, courts, prisons, etc. But these aren't solutions to overall problems. The secular world does not actually have solutions. They pretend to & promote themselves as such, but they actually don't.

Without Torah (and this means the 7 Mitzvot of Noach for the non-Jewish society), there is no other way to improve society.

And those frum Jews who deal with problems need to use their Torah learning to find the answers and use that learning to act as a buffer against Edomite influences & theories.

If they come from a yeshivah background and keep up their learning, then they definitely have it within them; they just need to focus on continuously accessing it.

And so once again, we see that looking INTO Torah provides us with what we need.

Despite the Downturns, Things are Still Looking Up

Despite all the above, it's important to emphasize the following:

There ARE good therapists.

There ARE good chinuch advisers.

There ARE good people working in these fields.

There ARE people, even with a university background in secular theories, using authentic Torah to sift through & offer you guidance that is truly beneficial.

And we've seen frum professionals doing a real cheshbon hanefesh and coming around to authentic Torah guidance.

It's very hard not to swallow whole these secular theories.

Despite my initial secret misgivings about some of it, I also got swept up in these theories at one point.

These theories are promoted in such a persuasive manner, it's hard not to get caught up in them, especially if you spend years immersed in them via a college education.

Furthermore, you often get a lot of disapproval and even polite name-calling ("in denial," "do you really think you know better than...?", etc.) for merely questioning these theories or bringing up contradictions.

So I had to work through this (with the valuable help of Chazal, whose Torah-based wisdom is truly eternal), and I don't think we should think badly of professionals who also initially got caught up in it, then turned themselves around (which, in their field, takes tremendous courage & a commitment to Torah values).

It also showed me how much a regular non-talmid-chacham can gain from learning Torah sources on his or her own level. Hashem crafted Torah to be accessible to any sincere seeker on his or her own level, even if it's a low level.

Yes, the more skills & the better hashkafah you have, the more you'll gain from Torah sources.

But a person has to start somewhere, so why not start wherever one is & build up?

When I encountered a fresh look at the old chinuch information that inundated us when my children were young, it showed how problematic and davka un-Jewish it was, and that's why very little of it was actually helpful or effective.

And it's wonderful that people are waking up and looking to Torah & connection with Hashem via tefillah and talking to Him in order to raise their children and generally live their lives better.

And I very much hope that continues to strengthen.

May we all merit to be mechanech our children & students in the way that's truly best for THEM.

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Gaining Proper Perspective with the Help of an Incoming Missile Attack

4/3/2020

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As happens sometimes, I once needed to get up 5 or 6 times in one night to tend to my ill 4.5-year-old.

Three of those times, he wanted a little story for comfort.

Finally, he sank into a good sleep and I did too.

I also hoped the other members of our family wouldn't wake us up while getting themselves out the door in the morning.

They didn't.

I woke up on my own as they bustled about, but no one needed me and so I drifted back into a light slumber, grateful both that the ill child was sleeping peacefully & also for the opportunity to catch up on sleep after the rough night.

Suddenly, I hear the siren wailing.

I listen for a minute to see whether it will undulate (the sign that it's a real warning and not a drill).

Groggily, I check my bedside clock.

9:33 AM. The drills generally occur at 10:05.

Uh-oh. It's real.

Bleary-eyed I rush to the safe room to open the heavy door (which is difficult if my arms are filled with a large sleeping child), and then I hurry to lug my sleeping child (who is pretty big for his age) into my arms while murmuring to him reassuringly, and then hurry to the now-open door, with the intention of laying him down on his big brother's bed while I close the window and the door.

Except that his big brother's bed is full of stuff (like a motorcycle helmet and other hard things), so I can't just lay the child down on top of it, like I could if it was just clothes.

So I'm trying to close the shutters, and then the big unwieldy iron window protector with one hand and a heavy child sagging in my other arm.

(The whole time, I'm hoping that the allotted amount of seconds haven't gone by.)

It's not going so well, but at least the child is finding it all amusing.

(He also enjoys being in his big brother's room, which is usually off-limits to him.)

Now that he's fully awake, I shove aside some stuff on the bed and prop him against pillows so he won't be leaning against a cold wall, toss the thick knife lying on the bedside table to the other end of the bed where my 4.5-year-old won't get it, then go back to close the door and then close the window properly.

I'd forgotten that this makes the room pitch-black.

My child protests and I talk to him in that happy-mommy voice we use when we want our child to think something is fun (especially when it's not).

I fumble for the light switch and turn on the light.

Then I think it's probably safer to be seated, so I move stuff over to make a place on the bed and hold my son in my arms. He's happy for the cuddle and very amused by the whole situation.

It occurs to me that I should be davening, especially since I suffer from the same mentality as the rest of the country ("Miracles are the expected norm!") and assume that the missile will fall somewhere else, probably at a safe distance from any residence.

This is not the correct way of seeing things, so I force myself to overcome my ho-hum attitude and daven until enough time has passed to go out.

The little boy is feeling pretty chipper by now and is able to walk back to his bed by himself.

As we leave the room, I hear the shower running.

I freeze.

Was my oldest son home this entire time?

(So THAT'S why his bed was so messy! He's usually pretty neat.)

How did I not hear the shower when I hurried right past it on the way to the safe room?

That's what happens when you're so focused on other tasks, I guess.

When he comes out, I tell him what happened (emphasizing that I don't love him any less than his baby brother, but just that I honestly did not notice he was at home) and he's extremely amused that he showered blissfully through the whole thing.

What Incoming Missiles Teach Us about Day-to-Day Emunah

All the writings & shiurim on emunah help so much in gaining proper prospective.

It's easy to get upset when, after a rough night with a sick child, another family member wakes you up.

And then it's very normal to blame them for depriving you of even more sleep on top of your current sleep deprivation.

But understanding that Hashem is running things helps us understand that we don't need to get so upset.

In the above situation, no one disturbed my sleep that morning. No one decided they needed me.

Great! Thank you!

But then a siren went off, calling for an immediate response for self-preservation.

So this is very good mussar because this kind of thing gives me chizuk to avoid blaming people when things don't go as I'd like.

Because if it's not your family depriving you of sleep, it could be Hamas.

It's all up to Hashem.

He decides.

And so there's really no rational reason to get angry.

It's better ask Hashem for our needs rather than getting upset with others.

And that's what I've been working on.

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Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Chayei Sara: Sara's Tent as the Prototype for the Beit HaMikdash

22/11/2019

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(B'ezrat Hashem, any limud or positive acts from this post should please go as a zechut for the complete & speedy recovery of Menachem Mendel Shlomo ben Chaya Rochel.)

In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah on Parshas Chayei Sarah 3 – Sanctuary of Sarah, we learn that Sara Imeinu's home was the greatest home in history.

Like the Kli Yakar, Rav Miller compares Sara Imeinu's home to the home of the Mikdash.

And her passing was like the Churban (Destruction).

Rav Miller states that the first Churban in Jewish history was actually Sara's passing.

While we tend to think of the Giving of the Torah as our Nation's monumental event (and it was indeed), Rav Miller explains that our founding Fathers & Mothers were the magnificent part of our history.

The Shechinah dwelt in their homes.

It's amazing. What was in the Kodesh Kadoshim (Holy of Holies) in the Beit Hamikdash was actually in the homes of our Avot & Imahot.

When they passed on, the Shechinah went into Exile.

What Were Avraham & Sara like as Chatan & Kallah?

Rav Miller describes what the beginning of the marriage must have been like.

Initially, Avraham Avinu was Sara Imeinu's teacher (they had a 10-year age difference & people married young back then), so he showed her all he had learned about his own observations of the world, observations that gained him tremendous TRUE knowledge because "he saw better than any professors will ever see."

And Sara Imeinu soaked it all in.

On page 5, Rav Miller describes what Sara's own study of the world must have been like.

Sara started off as the brilliant student of her husband, then she rose to great heights on her own, eventually achieving nevuah that surpassed even that of her holy husband.

A Truly Fun Home

On page 7, Rav Miller describes the great challenge of perceiving Sara Imeinu's home:

Now as much as I’m going to tell you, you must know that it is not going to approximate what the greatness of that house was.

I’m like an ant looking up at a tremendous mountain trying to describe what’s high up on the summit.

I’m not capable of fully understanding the greatness of Sarah’s tent.

It’s like a blind man speaking of the glory of the sunlight — we never saw it and we have no idea about the splendor that prevailed in that house.

Let's consider this for a moment.

Rav Miller acknowledges that we generally consider Avraham Avinu the builder of our Nation. He was the one out there doing things.

And indeed, he was a tzaddik beyond our imagination.

However, who built the Beit HaMikdash?

Sara Imeinu. In her tent.

When they slaughtered meat, they were like the Kohanim performing korbanot.

When they ate, it was like they were eating offerings from the mizbeyach.

Sara Imeinu's challot were the prototype of the Lechem Panim in the Beit HaMikdash.

Rav Miller goes on to say (pg. 8):

All their thoughts and all their deeds were devoted to the ideal that Hashem is in our house.

That’s what made it a beis hamikdash — the kedusha, the Awareness of Hashem, was so dense that it constantly impinged on their awareness in everything they did.

Now don’t think that a Jewish home is lacking cheer and fun.

Avraham and Sarah lived very happy lives. They had more fun in their home than we have – much more.

Why was Yishmael's Laughter So Bad?

And now we can understand the problem with Yishmael's laughter.

Rav Miller acknowledges what the mefarshim say about the symbolism of Yishmael's laughter.

But Rav Miller says that just the plain meaning, that Yishmael was laughing & jesting in such a holy home – the same as clowning around in the Beit HaMikdash on Yom Kippur – just the laughter on its own was absolutely appalling.

What's the Secret to Keeping House like Sara Imeinu?

Interestingly, despite the fact that Sara & Avraham were extremely wealthy with hundreds of servants, Sara Imeinu performed most of the housework herself.

And what's the secret to housekeeping like Sara Imeinu?

It's on page 11:

Every chore that people do in that house, if it’s a frum house and they do it l’shem Shamayim, that’s the ingredient – l’shem Shamayim, then they’re building something that’ll last forever.

Then Rav Miller says even more radical things (radical to our ears, anyway):

When a mother is putting clothing into the washer she’s thinking, “I want to maintain a frum Jewish house because Hakodosh Boruch Hu gave me this function. I don’t have to work in an office. I won't run for elections to be a city councilwoman – it’s a waste of my life. Right here is the place where I achieve.”

And children!

“The more children that I can have, the bigger the achievement.”

A woman like that is building a Beis Hamikdash – she is emulating the avodas Hashem that made Sarah into Sarah Imeinu.

Rav Miller acknowledges that the term "l'shem SHamayim" is bandied about so much nowadays that it has lost its meaning for us.

So he emphasizes that l'shem Shamayim means "with the awareness of Shamayim."

Everything Avraham Avinu & Sara Imeinu did, it was with this awareness.

People talk about "mindfulness" a lot nowadays, and an awareness of Shamayim is the real mindfulness we are supposed to cultivate.

The Old Treasure in the Home

On pages 12-13, Rav Miller goes into vivid detail of the baby-steps we can take to add to our lives more kavanah l'shem Shamayim.

He also mentions a pithy proverb from Gemara Erechim 19b:

"Saba b'veita – pacha b'beita."

"An old man in the house is a calamity in the house."

Retired men belong in kollel, says Rav Miller, not being a nuisance to his wife in the home all day.

It's such an interesting 2000-year-old observation because we see in our times how shalom bayit often disintegrates when a husband retires. So many women complain of a retired husband who spends his time nitpicking at how she runs the home, criticizing how things are organized, and kvetching.

Get thee to a kollel!

Then Rav Miller quotes the same Gemara:

"Savta b'veita – sima b'veita."

"An old woman in the house is a treasure in the house."

A man is a treasure in yeshivah.

A woman is a treasure in the home.

Rav Miller explains how women grow wiser as they grow older. They dispense wisdom & chessed.

Yes, I see in the Yerushalmi communities how dedicated older mothers are to their grandchildren & adult children.

For example, when a daughter gives birth before Pesach, Yerushalmi mothers invite the entire family (all those little darlings!) for the entire week of Pesach.

It is tremendous work to host small children and take care of a yoledet, all the more so over Pesach and often with their own children still at home and more guests coming. But they do it so willingly!

I really look up to them.

And their wisdom is a real treasure too.

My husband and I still turn to his mother for health remedies & advice, plus a little bit of dream interpretation. (Her own mother was a kosher dream interpreter in Morocco.)

Although sometimes, the dreams go a bit too far – like when my mother-in-law's long-dead brother came to her in a dream after yet another son was born to us and requested that we name this son after him because none of his secular children had done so.

So we did. It's hard to say no to the dead. Chessed shel emet and all that. Do the dead favors, even though they'll never be able to pay you back. It's a big mitzvah.

Anyway...

Among frum women in general, I've seen how grandmothers develop patience they lacked in their younger years.

I've seen how supportive & discreet & sensitive they are with their children struggling with their own children – struggles these older women didn't necessarily have to deal with in their child-rearing years, but have become all too common now.

Society considers older women crones and old-fashioned and no longer useful or beautiful.

But Judaism declares: sima – She's a treasure!

Reaching Back to the Original Nature & Nurture

On page 14, Rav Miller goes into a brief yet lovely exposition of Eishet Chayil (A Woman of Valor).

Ultimately, Avraham Avinu & Sara Imeinu are the prototype for us.

No matter what home we grew up in or what background we came from, our real nurturing comes from this first Jewish couple.

A convert is referred to as the son or daughter of Avraham Avinu & Sara Imeinu.

We need to stretch back further than our immediate family & background to reach it.

It's there, it's accessible, but we need to cultivate an awareness that it's possible.

Let's wrap up on Rav Miller's final note (pg. 15):

It’s beyond our sight; it towers beyond our range of vision how great we could become – but every person who begins the career of building a home has the right, the obligation, to build that home on the same foundation that Avraham and Sarah laid down for their home.

And that’s the foundation of the greatest possible loyalty to Hakodosh Boruch Hu and the greatest possible dedication to the ideal of making the very best home that they could make.

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What a Strange & Sudden, Yet Blessedly Minor Medical Emergency Taught Us

20/9/2019

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Last week, one of my teenagers went with a yeshivah friend to visit another yeshivah friend who was diagnosed with the machalah hayeduah a few months ago.

The ill friend is a boy we've known since he was young because he was a classmate of my son's since then, then they ended up in yeshivah together after graduating 8th grade.

The boy is a very good-natured & cheerful kid and the news was devastating. We've all been davening for him regularly, but still.

Anyway, to understand the upcoming story, it's important to know that this teenage son of mine received a rabbinical exemption from fasting on all fast days except Yom Kippur (and on Tisha B'Av, he needs to last as long as he can, but he's ultimately allowed to eat).

Why?

Because fasting really knocks him out.

Anyway, the day he went to visit his sick friend at the hospital, my son hadn't eaten much dinner the night before and ate only a bowl of cornflakes and milk that morning. After the mid-morning visit, he planned to head back to yeshivah for a hot, filling lunch.

Only he didn't count on the fact that in addition to hitting low blood sugar by the time he arrived at the hospital, his ill friend was in pretty bad-looking shape. The ill boy just didn't look like himself at all; my son claimed that even the shape of his head was different.

Also, the ill boy was just after a treatment and still drugged.

In the middle of the visit, my son realized he wasn't feeling well, and excused himself to get a drink of water.

But then he suddenly passed out, hitting his forehead on the metal corner of the bed on his way down.

He revived soon enough and was transported to the emergency room, upon which I received a phone call from the nurse there, who pleasantly told me that I needed to come right away.

At first, I had no idea who she was and where she was calling from or about. (My son went straight from yeshivah to the hospital and I'd no idea he'd done so, plus the nurse wasn't clear; she didn't even say where she was calling from at first.)

After asking her several questions, I finally realized what had happened. I told her I would come, then I called my husband to figure out logistics. Getting to that hospital takes an hour on 2 buses or 25 minutes in an expensive taxi.

That wouldn't be so bad except that my 4.5-year-old was due home in another couple of hours, and someone needed to be there for him. He has always resisted playing at anyone's home without me, so asking a neighbor to take him in wasn't an option.

Then my teenage son called me and said he was totally fine and didn't need for anyone to come.

And he did sound fine.

Then my husband decided to go to the hospital anyway while I stayed to receive our youngest.

Yet during that time, things took a turn for the worse, and my son vomited, which is a possible sign of skull damage after a head injury.

Or dehydration.

So they hooked him up to a water IV and hydrated him.

His co-visitor from yeshivah stayed with him until my husband arrived, and let our son use his cell phone to keep in contact with us.

Now my son sounded really weak.

Meanwhile, I thought the whole thing was playing out with a lot of strangeness.

Then my husband arrived at the hospital.

By the afternoon, my son still hadn't eaten and I felt that his weakness was due to lack of calories. He was well-hydrated now, but what about food?

I asked if they could give him a food-IV like they do to unconscious people, but the nurse told my husband that's impossible.

I felt helpless being far away when I thought I could easily remedy things with some juice and soup.

Then they wanted to keep my son for observation, so they hospitalized him for the night.

This was really getting out of hand.

Also, it was Thursday night and there was a hint that he might need to stay there for Shabbos, for which I'd want to be with him, which would mean that our youngest would stay with my husband, and we'd need to figure out logistics for the kids who would be home for Shabbat, plus preparing for Shabbat.

The whole time I was thinking, He just needs to eat! He's been in a partial fast for hours – he just needs to eat!

Yet when he did eat a little bit, he vomited.

And because of the IV, we knew it could no longer be dehydration.

So we were all concerned about the slight possibility of a head injury.

So we were all davening a lot (including his siblings) and I took on a couple of kabbalot.

Two more friends from yeshivah came to visit the ill boy, and that boy's mother kindly directed them to visit my son too.

The ill boy's married pregnant sister called me to tell me that she had been in the room at the time, tried to catch my son as he dropped, but didn't succeed.

I told her that for the sake of her pregnancy, I'm glad she didn't catch him. He's pretty heavy.

She expressed concern for my son's condition on behalf of their family. I was so touched by their concern when they were going through something so much worse.

What good, caring people they are. They're a good example for me to follow.

By this time, darkness had fallen and my oldest son (age 22) came home from work, and expressed willingness to be the one to spend the night with our teenage son. He ate, collected his things, rushed off to the hospital to relieve my husband.

(He also missed the wedding of good friend to do this chessed.)

Being the much-adored older brother to this teenage son, the teenage son started looking better the minute his much-adored older brother appeared.

My husband and I both felt secure with our oldest son there as he is a pretty competent with the ability to totally focus on the needs of another when necessary, and who is also good at keeping his head in even very stressful situations.

Sure enough, his younger brother woke him up at 4 in the morning to eat. So the older brother bought him tuna & crackers, which the younger ate without vomiting. Then they took a walk around together and the older sent us a text saying that his brother had eaten and was fine, so we would see these happy tidings when we woke up.

Very responsible & thoughtful of him.

Because it takes forever to get approved to leave a hospital, they were only able to leave a couple of hours before Shabbat.

And they both came home in an excellent mood.

What were Hashem's Messages Here?

Clearly, such a chain of odd & unexpected events indicates atonements for sins, which is quite common leading up to Rosh Hashanah & Yom Kippur.

But what were some lessons to be gleaned?

These:

Awareness of how exhausting and nerve-wracking it is to deal with a hospitalized child. His sick friend is one of 10 children. All the logistics we needed to work out this one time for something minor with our son is unfortunately part & parcel of their DAILY life dealing with a severely ill child. And the end is not yet in sight (may he be cured quickly and completely). This situation definitely increased my compassion & empathy for those who suffer.

Increased tefillah by all of us is both possible and helpful, baruch Hashem.

This particular son REALLY needs to make sure he eats properly and in a timely fashion, especially before doing something emotionally stressful.

The kabbalot I took on for that time period were things I'd been pushing off as "too hard," but now they suddenly seem doable (because I did them). Increased spiritual momentum has been discovered, which I've been able to further utilize.

Increased gratitude toward Hashem for whapping us in the face with what life could be like otherwise and what life IS like for other people, may Hashem grant everyone a speedy & complete refuah.

Appreciation for how selfless it's possible to be in a really awful situation, as shown by the seriously ill boy's family and their concern for our son when their son/brother is so much worse off. Mi k'amcha Yisrael? Such special people. I really hope Hashem answers their tefillot l'tovah.

We really need to increase our davening for the seriously ill boy.

And that was part our Elul saga thus far.

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What I Finally Learned on My Youngest Son's First Day of School

17/9/2019

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When I took my son to his first of day school this year, we were caught up in the rush of hundreds of other parents out on the same mission.

And ditto when I came to pick him up and take him home.

Although his first year (which was last year) at this school (where all his brothers also attended) went wonderfully, this time was different. The beginning of this school year was another step that filled me with new nerves.

Last year, the school's gan happened to be in its own building with its own yard, far away from the super-complex of the school, which hosts all the other grades, up to eighth grade.

This year, my son learns in the multi-level building itself.

Of course, there are safety precautions. The 4-6-year-olds sit in classrooms in their own hallway, and there is an assistant in addition to the teacher. They enjoy recess at a separate time, only going out when the older children are back in class and the yard is empty.

I'm also happy that my son's class merited to have the best teacher for that grade, and after seeing for myself what an ideal teacher he is, I'm even happier.

But I'm still ruminating over the what-ifs and concerns.

It was sitting on the bus stop on the way to pick him up from his first day of school that I woke up to the ruach around me.

Other mothers were picking up their children after sending them to cheder for the first time. They were all so excited.

The same kind of call kept ringing out: "Who is your son learning by this year? Oh, Rabbi Rubenstein? That's wonderful!"

There was a cheerful bustle to it all — at the bus stop, on the bus, weaving my way through the throngs of parents and children — that I couldn't quite place.

At first, I thought these mothers were expressing joyous relief that summer vacation was finally over.

But that wasn't it.

When parents express joy and thankfulness that their child has gotten married, it's not because "Oh, we finally got this kid out of the house! Less mess and more room!"

Not at all.

It's a joy and thankfulness of sending them off to really live their life now, to get down to the nitty-gritty of a Torah journey. It's relief at seeing their child finally find their zivug.

And that's when I realized what this cheerful bustle was: These mothers were rejoicing at sending their sons to learn Torah.

This first day in cheder was the first step in their journey to become ehrliche Yidden and fulfill their destinies as bnei Yaakov Avinu.

I don't know why this never hit me before.

After all, this certainly isn't my first child.

How many first days of school have I experienced without ever really seeing the celebration going on around me?

Maybe I was too caught up in all the hectic details and anxieties to notice.

But this new awareness also re-awakened my appreciation for Yerushalmi mothers, who for all their savvy intelligence, still possess a certain temimut in certain areas because they simply don't know to feel any other way.

And bringing their sons to cheder for the first time is one of those areas.

Baruch Hashem, I was able to be affected now by the general ruach.

Yes, I know things aren't going to be perfect and that school always provides challenges for both parents and children.

But I thought that maybe I could just enjoy the bare-bones fact of it: My son had learned Alef-Bet last year and was going to be learning to read Hebrew this year.

And that's the base for a life of Torah-learning.

And he'll be learning all sorts of halachot and stories from the Torah and Midrash — all geared for his age and level of understanding, and all necessary to nourish his neshamah and form the man he'll eventually become, and hopefully create a wonderful Olam Haba for himself, he should live in good health until 120 (and I also wish that also for you and your children).

So I decided to focus on this idea too and let myself get briefly immersed in all the joyous bustle around me. I also decided, despite the distractions & challenges that are sure to pop up along the way, to try my best to carry it with me throughout the rest of his school years.

Because at the core, that's really what it's all about.

Photo by William Ray from FreeImages

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Rav Miller on Parshat Va'etchanan with Wonderful Advice on Transforming Your Home & Family

16/8/2019

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In Parshas Va’eschanan – Sanctuary of the Jewish Home, Rav Miller discusses a question I think many of us have wondered about: Why was Moshe Rabbeinu so resistant against going on to the Next World?

After all, Moshe Rabbeinu was the epitome of emuna.

He knew Hashem was guiding everything in the Universe.

He knew that death is nothing to fear.

He knew he had a wonderful Paradise beyond comprehension waiting for him.

Also, Moshe Rabbeinu achieved more than any other human being ever had.

So why didn't he go peacefully?

Why did he daven 515 tefillot and with such intensity, he shook up the Universe?

The short answer is that Moshe Rabbeinu loved us very much and also wanted to perfect himself even more.

The long answer is in the dvar Torah itself.

Personal Royalty

At this point Rav Miller emphasizes each home is basically an empire in which each father is a king and each mother is a queen.

And he delves into all the responsibility that entails, which is admittedly a bit intimidating.

He paints the great example of Rav Channa's house of chessed, as described in the Gemara. It sounds very difficult to dedicate the entire home to chessed in the way Rav Channa did, but Rav Miller explains that Rav Channa and his wife did it in a way that made each other and their children happy.

And that's definitely food for thought.

Yet Rav Miller acknowledges that the vast majority of us can't be like Rav Channa.

So what can we do?

We can take steps to fill our home with kedushah, with mitzvot...with Hashem.

And we do this one step at a time, elevating the routine mitzvot:

You have to train yourself and your family to think, “Right now, we’re doing the mitzvah of washing the hands; Hashem commanded us to obey the chachamim.”

You’re making the house kadosh by doing that.

Developing a real love and appreciation for mitzvot is the way to transform your home.

When you feel that way inside, you project it out to your family.

Here are some ways of looking at yourselves:

That element should be introduced in the building of Jewish home as much as possible.

“Our home is a makom kadosh,” you tell your family. We must accustom ourselves to this thought:

A Jewish house is a holy house. The same Shechina that came down on Har Sinai is in every Jewish home – it’s not a mashal.

Where else would Hakodosh Boruch Hu come if not in the place where constantly His word is obeyed?

Milchigeh dishes, fleishigeh dishes, pareve dishes, everything is done k’halacha. Shabbos, kashrus, everything!

***

A child wants to eat something, so he asks, “Am I still fleishig? Can I get ice cream yet?”

“No, not yet.”

The child watches the clock.

A little boy is watching the clock - there’s nothing like that in the world.

You won’t find such holy children anywhere else!

The Rav Miller offers many ideas for raising your children with kedushah, even when surrounded by modern secular values.

That's very worth reading.

He concludes that section with this advice:

And so the house is kadosh.

It’s something we have to say to ourselves and to our children - you should repeat it constantly.

You can tell them, “Every time you do something good in this house, you’re making the house even more kadosh. Every time you learn Torah in the house, every time you daven, every time you say birkas hamazon, any bracha you make in the house, the house is becoming more and more kadosh.”

Tell them that - they won’t listen; they’ll say, “Yes, yes,” but it’s going into their little heads.

Don't Forget This Part of Meal-Planning

Rav Miller offers a great many wonderful ideas for using meal times as pleasant chinuch for the children, a time to inculcate authentic Torah values into the family and the home.

He calls it a form of "meal planning," which means you need to have an idea of what you want to mention before you sit down to eat with everyone. (But he recommends against telling the kids that you planned the topic; let them think it's inspired.)

Which Building is Really Built to Last?

Incredibly, our homes that were dedicated to kedushah will rise again with Techiyat Hametim (Resurrection of the Dead)!

(Rav Miller derives this from the Gemara.)

The holy homes of our holy Sages, which are in ruins now, will also rise again!

The strongest & tallest & most beautiful edifices of today will fall at some point.

Yet the humble abode of the Chafetz Chaim, of all the holy people, will rise again.

It's a whole other way of looking at the world.

What Kind of Home are We Creating?

And these are important questions we need to answer ourselves:

And therefore an honest parent should stop and ask himself: “What kind of home do we have? Am I accomplishing in my home what Moshe Rabeinu begged for many many days to have the opportunity to accomplish?"

The most rewarding life for a man and a woman, is to make use of that opportunity that Moshe begged for, and put the best that they have into that house.

The walls of their house should witness only kindliness, only politeness, good character, kindly words, avodas Hashem, joyous Shabbosim, zemiros on Shabbos, divrei Torah, helping each other, performing acts that Hashem commands us to do.

All day long the bnei bayis are putting idealism into the walls of their home.

***

Of course theory is always easier than practice.

But we have to strive for the ideal, for the building of a home that Hashem intended when He told the Am Yisroel, “Return to your tents.”

The creation of a home founded on the principles of Ma’amad Har Sinai is a creation that is eternal.

Regardless of what kind of family we have (even if it's just yourself), may we all succeed in making our families and our homes abodes of kedushah and Torah idealism.

What kind of home do we want?

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Why It's So Important to Avoid Labeling Yourself with Psychobabble & See Yourself in a More Spiritual (and Hopeful!) Light

5/8/2019

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A friend of mine from years back (let’s call her Esty) suffered a severe lack of shalom bayit.

In her eyes, her husband was demanding and self-centered.

Early on, she felt her husband had only ever seen marriage as the way to get a kosher girlfriend and a built-in servant (in complete opposition to actual halacha and Torah hashkafah, BTW).

And no...this adviser, that rebbetzin, this shalom bayit expert, that therapist, his rav—no one was ever able to help (which is unfortunately very typical—why? Because such a severe nisayon is fine-tuned from Hashem and demands more of a spiritual response than a derech-hateva response).

And throughout it all, whether it was friends or advisers or books & articles, Esty felt like her shalom bayit problems showed her to be co-dependent.

Or perhaps blameworthy?

Or pathetic & stupid? After all, why did she marry such person in the first place? (Apparently, even her subconscious hates her.)

And why didn’t she just get divorced? (This from her friends.)

On the other hand, if she was a "better" wife, maybe her husband wouldn’t be so critical and angry all the time. (She tried, but never managed to find that elusive "better" that would magically transform her husband.)

Esty felt there were so many ways to see herself in this situation--and they were all bad.

An Unknowingly Pivotal Decision

When Esty held herself back from responding in kind, when she remained totally silent and felt dead inside, it didn’t help at all. Her husband's tongue could ride on his temper-fueled steam for a very long time.

Yet when she could no longer take it (like after 2 weeks of remaining silent and feeling dead in the face of his verbal battery) and fought back, it also didn’t curb his behavior at all. (Even though standing up to bullies is apparently the key to dealing with them.)

Conflicting self-condemnations shot back & forth in Esty’s head all the time.

But when a completely assimilated friend ended up visiting her area, Esty felt that Esty was her friend’s only chance to experience Shabbos. Esty also wanted to spend time with this assimilated Jew who’d been a close friend in high school.

So Esty invited her friend for Shabbat and hoped her husband would be too embarrassed to act the way he usually did.

A Leopard is Never Embarrassed by His Spots; Why Change His Spots Just because His Wife Wants to Make a Kiddush Hashem?

But much to her chagrin, Esty's husband wasn’t too embarrassed to act the way he usually did.

(He never was, Esty eventually realized. She always hoped anew and was always shattered anew until she limited the time she spent with her husband around other people; family outings, hosting guests, etc., became a thing of the past.)

Being a gregarious guy, Esty’s husband was friendly & jovial toward Esty & her friend—until Esty (or their toddler) did something that happened to bother her husband (the toddler’s eye infection with a pussy eye was one of an infinite number of things that bothered her husband)--at which he point he would explode at Esty (because, of course, everything was always her fault).

Esty noticed and appreciated how his bursts of temper tended to be much shorter around other people, but she still found his outbursts profoundly humiliating & distressing.

Ultimately, Esty felt she couldn’t make excuses to her friend for most of her husband’s bursts of temper without coming off like a pathetic doormat or a sufferer of Stockholm Syndrome, but she did explain that her husband got really stressed out by seeing all that puss in their toddler’s eye and it frightened him, which is why he exploded.

Esty also mentioned that her husband apologized—although he didn’t really apologize, but said that had he known the eye infection wasn’t as serious as it looked, he wouldn’t have gotten so upset.

But Esty wanted her husband (and herself) to look a bit better in her friend’s eyes, so Esty stretched the truth a bit.

Upon hearing he’d apologized (even though he actually hadn’t), Esty’s friend gave a firm nod and said, “GOOD.”

A Whole New & Invigorating Angle

At the end of the visit, Esty—still self-conscious about her husband’s behavior and how it reflected on her & on frum people in general, especially since her friend knew Esty had met her husband on shidduchim, which is allegedly a great way to avoid such problematic people—casually said, “I wonder how it looked to you that my husband and I have issues and don’t always get along so well.”

Esty's friend looked Esty straight in the eye for a long moment.

Esty’s friend was a committed feminist and vegan who worked her biceps into little feminine muscles and refused to shave her legs (yes, I met her too).

Esty’s friend was a very successful professional on her way to a doctorate.

Esty’s friend also lost her non-Jewish father at the age of 2 to her non-Jewish father’s receptionist and suffered her mother’s remarriage to a man who molested her when she was 6.

Esty’s friend’s new step-mother (yes, the oh-so alluring receptionist) ended being an extremely temperamental nutcase, but her father didn’t feel like going through the whole divorce procedure again, especially when he had a new child born from this second wife. (Instead, he waited until that child went to college, and then he divorced his psycho former receptionist.)

He later confided how much he wished he’d never divorced Esty's friend's mother. In hindsight, he felt his first wife was actually much better than the nutty, temperamental receptionist he’d run off with and that it had all been a big mistake—for which Esty’s friend paid the highest price.

Still looking Esty right in the eye, Esty’s friend said, “I think it’s good that you guys are committed to the struggle, especially when you have a kid together.”

“Really?” said Esty, shocked. “You don’t think he’s bad…or that I’m a doormat or co-dependent or…something?”

Her friend mulled it over for a moment, then said, “I don’t like it when he talks to you like that, of course. But I admire the fact that you guys are willing to stick it out. Most people aren’t. Anyway, most of the couples I know getting divorced don’t even know why they’re getting divorced. I don’t think they even fight. They just sort of drift into divorce. And even though they have kids and everyone knows how hard divorce is on the kids, they’re not willing to struggle through it. Yeah, sometimes divorce is necessary and better for the kids too. But a lot of times, it would be better if the parents would just stick it out. It’s like the kids aren’t even worth the struggle to keep the marriage together.”

“Even if the parents are fighting?” said Esty. “Even if they’re not getting along so well?”

Her friend paused, then said, “I know it sounds bad to say it, but yeah. Not always. It depends. Maybe if they don’t have kids, it’s okay. But if they have kids already, then yeah—even if they’re fighting and there’s problems and stuff. It depends how bad it is, of course. But in general, I think it's better to try and stick it out for the kids. But I don’t feel like I can ever say this to anyone.”

Then Esty’s friend mentioned that many people claim to be getting divorced “for the children,” even though Esty’s friend felt that clearly wasn’t the case.

“Wow,” said Esty. “I really thought you would lose respect for me when you saw how my husband treats me.”

“I don’t like how he treats you all the time. It really bothered me to hear him get angry with you about things that aren’t even your fault. And it seems like he gets angry about things that aren’t very important. But mostly he was fine with you and your daughter—at least from what I saw. But I still respect you the same—even more, because you’re willing to hold on to your commitment.”

She gave Esty another penetrating look. “I mean, marriage is supposed to be for life, right?”

Esty was floored.

Esty really thought her assertive, “progressive,” independent, successful friend would feel so much more negatively about what Esty was sure must have seemed like a demeaning & misogynist marriage.

Spiritual Vision vs. Narrow Vision

Esty shared this story years ago, when it first happened, and I never forgot it because it demonstrates the sharply different angles from which the same situation can be seen.

Note: It doesn’t justify in any way the behavior of Esty’s husband nor does it minimize the very real anguish Esty suffered from constant criticism and the unpreventable angry outbursts.

And frankly, I think we’ve all seen situations in which divorce is clearly the best option for both the parents and the children.

However, what her assimilated friend’s perspective gave Esty was a little bit of relief from the feeling that people were looking at Esty and assuming she was a co-dependent or pathetic or disrespectable or, even worse, as bad as her husband made her out to be & at fault for his poor behavior.

And it gave Esty some relief from the conflicting self-condemnations constantly racing around in her head.

And maybe it was also possible for Esty to see herself how her friend saw her:

Committed, willing to struggle, and--most important of all (to Esty’s friend)--willing to put her child’s needs before her own.

Having said all that, were there things Esty could do to help herself more?

Sure. Spiritual efforts, like:

being careful not to talk about her situation unless her speech followed the laws of lashon hara l'to'elet (including to sympathetic friends like me ;-)
davening
pouring her heart out to Hashem as she would her Best Friend
doing a cheshbon hanefesh (because Chazal stated that ANY kind of suffering should inspire us to examine our deeds)
seeing it as a way to spiritual growth.

But again, there are no guarantees.

A person can make efforts to sweeten din. But ultimately, Hashem decides whether it's in the person's best interests for the nisayon to be softened or even eliminated completely...or not.

Yet as long as you see yourself in the eyes of the negative labels, you probably won't handle your nisayons in the best way possible.

Therefore, you're less likely to fulfill your pre-ordained journey and rectify that which Hashem sent you to This World for in the first place.

You're NOT as Hopeless as Portrayed!

You know...most of us are just regular, flawed people who sometimes find ourselves in excruciating situations that demand middot far, far beyond where our middot currently lie.

It's important to see the good in ourselves and to see something positive in the way we're struggling, even if we are also fumbling around and sometimes submitting to bad middot.

Unfortunately, both modern and early (Freud, etc.) Western psychology have produced lots of negative labels for strugglers and all sorts of flaws.

Frum people who are not emuna-oriented can even distort or misapply passages in Tanach & Gemara & Chazal to further slap negative labels on strugglers.

But you can see yourself with great hope and faith, despite your flaws and struggles.

After all, that's how HASHEM sees you.

Disclaimer: This all happened years ago, when I was less knowledgeable about the laws of lashon hara. With the exception of some pressing halachic reason to reveal the information, even Esty's closest confidants should not have been privy to all the details about Esty's marital conflicts or the personal past of her friend (especially if they ended up meeting her, which withdraws her anonymity).

This is important to know because people (like myself) trip up on this quite commonly & innocently.

Much to her credit, Esty herself ceased revealing the information (her confidants were ultimately never able help her anyway) and it seems like her situation is better. Maybe not wonderful, but at least somewhat better.

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The Gift that Very Young Children Can Bring Us

10/6/2019

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One morning, my husband and I woke up to the sound of our bedroom door being thrust open and bouncing off the wall.

After that enthusiastic lead-in, our 2-year-old toddled in, hugging his blankie and sporting a grin that clearly announced: Is there anything more thrilling than seeing ME first thing in the morning?

Many very young children never entertain the possibility that their parents prefer to sleep rather than play with them. And they wake you up with the utter confidence that you are so thrilled to see them, you WANT to wake up—just for them.

My face was scrunched into my own blanket, but the space left for breathing allowed me to see how his little face lit up in delight when he saw me.

My mommy is playing peek-a-boo with me!

Cheerfully obliging his perception of my covered face, he toddled over and tugged the blanket partially off my face.

"You look like a face!" he announced cheerfully.

Truth be told, with his own cute little face inches from mine, it was quite an adorable and charming sight to see upon waking up.

But I still wanted to sleep.

Then his face lit up even more as he examined me closer and said, "You look like a bulldozer!"

"You didn't tell me that on shidduchim, darling," my husband mumbled.

Oh dear. I guess I need to switch night creams.

(Just kidding.)

This particular child had and still has a real fondness for construction vehicles. So he projects this fondness onto anything he likes.

In his 2-year-old mind, the world is a much nicer place when everything looks like a bulldozer. Or a dump truck. Or a giant crane. Or a digger. Or a cement mixer. Or a steam roller.

In fact, an especially exciting moment for him came whenever he found a construction vehicle that was both a bulldozer from the front and a digger from the back.

"The most beautiful bulldozer in the world!" - my son, age 4, upon seeing this photo.

Contagious Enthusiasm for the Mundane

And this is a very common trait in young children: They get massively excited or fascinated by the very things we adults no longer notice (or even find annoying).

And this is something very precious that young children bring to their families, that enthusiasm over mundane objects and experiences.

Not long after he first started enthusing over construction vehicles, we (his older siblings, his father, and I) instinctively started seeking out such monsters whenever we were out with him.

And because his excitement was so charming and contagious, we started getting excited whenever we saw a construction vehicle we knew he would like.

In fact, each of us mentioned that when outside alone and, say, a monster dump truck would come lumbering down the street, our heart would give a leap and we instinctively turned to point it out to him, feeling a bit deflated that he wasn't there to share the experience.

And this is very common for parents and older siblings.

If it's not with construction vehicles, then it's with something else that the small child gets all excited about.

More Thrilling than a Rollercoaster

Even now at age 4, when I take this child to gan on the bus in the morning, he is so excited.

He loves sitting next to the big low window on the bus (as opposed to the higher & smaller window of a car) and he gazes out, his little backpacked body all a-quiver in anticipation of seeing a bulldozer or a steam roller during the 4-minute ride.

I find buses a bit stressful, but I must admit that an enthusiasm for bus rides and catching sight of construction vehicles is a great way to start your day.

And like I said, his enthusiasm is contagious. I often find myself in a better mood sitting next to him as he wriggles in delight upon spotting his heart's desire chugging away in the dust, rocks, and heat.

A Zest for Life: The Blessing of Small Children

And this kind of dynamic is a very big gift that small children grant their families.

Hashem wants us to be excited about the life He has given us.

He wants us to appreciate all the things we take for granted (or even find annoying; construction vehicles are quite noisy), especially if they are extremely helpful things—like construction vehicles.

This can get lost amid all the toil of raising young children.

Obviously, a kid pulling on you or calling you to see a mundane thing that child finds thrilling, or to be woken up by winsome 2-year-old narcissism too early in the morning—this can all be understandably exasperating.

You don't always manage the patience for it.

Sleep is a basic need.

And there are also things that really do demand your attention that just need to get done already, without distractions from even the most adorable and enthusiastic preschoolers.

And that's normal.

But whenever possible, it's good to let ourselves be touched by the zest for mundane living that small children bring to our lives.

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What is a Clean Tongue?

20/5/2019

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A huge blindspot today is language.

Foul words have entered everyday vocabulary, with today's grandmothers using the very words (or worse) for which she originally washed out her own child's mouth with soap as a mother only 3 decades ago.

This can be true in parts of modern frum society too sometimes.

Foul English words have also entered Israeli Hebrew as slang (because they don't know what they're actually saying & because cussing in a foreign language doesn't have the same jolt). Even some frum Israelis end up using this vulgar English as slang within their modern Hebrew.

However, Judaism insists not only on non-vulgar language, but on refined language in general.

When asked about lashon nekiyah - clean language or a clean tongue - Rav Avigdor Miller mentioned the words mothers traditionally forbade their children.

Then he goes a step deeper and discusses refined language in general - "mindful speech," if you will.

For example, he explains, in Slabodka where he learned, they never said the word shlecht, which is Yiddish for "bad."

They never said the word shlecht. Never. I was there six years. Six years – and they never said the word shlecht. “Not good,” they would say. But they never said shlecht. They never referred to a goy as a “sheigetz.”

Because that’s a Sheketz. The word “sheigetz” comes from the word sheketz a disgusting creature. “Sheigetz” is sheketz. But a goy is not a sheketz. He’s a tzelem Elokim...

The word “sheigetz” is never found in Slabodka language.

So, in a good environment, if you make sure to stay in stay in a good environment, you’ll pick up what is called lashon nekiyah.

Tape #E-167

And that's worth chewing over.

Related link:
Try This: No Swearing for One Week

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Regardless of the Current Results, You're Doing a Great Job. Really.

What is a Real Courage or Honesty?

Why Aspects of Mainstream Chinuch Feels Helpful, But Actually Isn't

Taking the Most Horrible Extreme & Applying It to Normal People: Huh?

Rabbi Borg Gives a Shiur

You are Really Awful – But Fear Not! The Chinuch Expert is Here to "Save" You!

Why Did Things Move in This Direction? And What's the Real Solution?

Despite the Downturns, Things are Still Looking Up

What Incoming Missiles Teach Us about Day-to-Day Emunah

What Were Avraham & Sara like as Chatan & Kallah?

A Truly Fun Home

Why was Yishmael's Laughter So Bad?

What's the Secret to Keeping House like Sara Imeinu?

The Old Treasure in the Home

Reaching Back to the Original Nature & Nurture

What were Hashem's Messages Here?

Personal Royalty

Don't Forget This Part of Meal-Planning

Which Building is Really Built to Last?

What Kind of Home are We Creating?

An Unknowingly Pivotal Decision

A Leopard is Never Embarrassed by His Spots; Why Change His Spots Just because His Wife Wants to Make a Kiddush Hashem?

A Whole New & Invigorating Angle

Spiritual Vision vs. Narrow Vision

​Yet as long as you see yourself in the eyes of the negative labels, you probably won't handle your nisayons in the best way possible.​Therefore, you're less likely to fulfill your pre-ordained journey and rectify that which Hashem sent you to This World for in the first place.

You're NOT as Hopeless as Portrayed!

Contagious Enthusiasm for the Mundane

More Thrilling than a Rollercoaster

A Zest for Life: The Blessing of Small Children

Myrtle Rising

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Yet as long as you see yourself in the eyes of the negative labels, you probably won't handle your nisayons in the best way possible.

Therefore, you're less likely to fulfill your pre-ordained journey and rectify that which Hashem sent you to This World for in the first place.