Category: Parenting

A Life-Saving Q&A with Rabbi Shimon Gruen: What If You Don't Like Your Child?

16/3/2021

In Rabbi Shimon Gruen's weekly email Torah Lessons for the Home: Parshas Terumah 5781, he presents a meaningful question from a struggling mother:

What if you don't like your children?

Yes, you probably love them. But what if you don't like them (whether one or all)?

Over the years, I noticed that in every family, there is at least 1 child to whom the parent finds very hard to relate.

If you have 2 kids, then it will be one of them.

If you have 10 kids, then it will be at least one of them.

And if you have one child? Well, it shocked me to realize how many only children suffer lots of friction or emotional distance from either their mother or their father.

Certainly, it doesn't always happen. But I've seen it happen a lot.

As one only child (secular Jewish mother, non-Jewish father, secular Jewish stepfather) described, "I could understand my mother if she had other children. But I'm all she has. So why not try harder to develop a relationship with me, even if she can't relate to me so much—because after all, I'm all she's got?"

Sometimes, it's the same child for both parents. Other times, one child presents a challenge for the mother while another child presents a challenge for the father.

Sometimes it manifests in a particular age the parent finds difficult.

For example, some women dread the first 4 months of dealing with an infant more than they dread giving birth, and feel much relief when the child turns into a toddler. Others love the baby months, but feel miserable dealing with toddlers or small children. And others dread the teen years. And so on. (This is all normal, by the way.)

Sometimes, it's based on gender. Traditionally, the focus has been on those who favor a boy over a girl. But I've seen several cases in which mothers who dislike men bring that into her parenting by disdaining her son.

(Interestingly, parents who favor a child based on gender rarely feel bad about this. They admit it outright, sometimes even with pride or an attitude that it's self-evident to love more or less according to gender. I'm not into people feeling bad, but whether a parent dislikes a child for being a girl or a boy, it actually is a problem and should be dealt with in a compassionate manner, rather than being justified or ignored.)

Sometimes, it's obvious to all why the parent struggles with that child; the child is objectively challenging.

Yet other times, it's the sweet, quiet, thoughtful child who continuously drives the mother out of her mind—for no apparent reason.

As one mother of such a child told me, "Because I'm insecure, his insecurity makes me feel worse."

She favored her energetic rambunctious son over the sweet, obedient one.

The odd thing was...her sweet quiet son wasn't insecure!

Yes, she saw him that way. But he wasn't actually how she viewed him.

Seeing this dynamic repeatedly made me realize that Hashem created families in a way that a parent will find at least one child very challenging—and dealing with that challenge is exactly what helps a person grow.

In fact, mothers have told me that when they worked on liking the child they related to the least, they found themselves liking other people with that child's personality—people they either did not like or could not relate to before.

In other words, the child most personally challenging to the mother paradoxically became the catalyst for the mother's increased ahavat Yisrael in general.

This is a wonderfully positive outcome of being honest with yourself about your true—albeit initially negative—feelings toward a child, which allows you to get to work in that area, which then reaps unexpectedly positive results.

Another friend accidently admitted that she could not see any positive qualities in any of her kids' personalities, except for one positive quality in one child (tactfulness).

Occasionally, one parent behaves in a way that places a wedge between the other parent and one or more of the children (bad-mouthing the other parent, siding with the child against the other parent, rewarding difficult behavior—such as crying, insulting, tantrums, chutzpah, tattling, physical aggression, etc., which makes the child extremely unpleasant for the other parent to deal with).

Anyway, because such feelings are taboo in society, plus mothers themselves feel terribly ashamed of such feelings, it's hard to get help.

This presents an odd paradox because the surrounding secular society demeans (and even subtly discourages) family, family values, children, motherhood, consistently focusing on the negative aspects (while occasionally offering lip service to the positives of parenthood)...yet this same society looks down on a mother who doesn't like her child.

And it's hard to even admit to oneself that one doesn't really like one child, let alone all or most of them.

Furthermore, not everyone responds well if you confide this to them.

Yet if a parent feels this way, it's important to address the issue WITHOUT self-flagellation, toxic shame, and all that negative static.

Personally, I don't see a need to look down on a parent for such feelings (especially since the parent really doesn't want to feel this way & is unpleasantly taken by surprise by the negative feelings).

But if the parent refuses to deal with the issue and instead treats the child badly or neglectfully without trying to improve the situation? Well then...hmm.

Fortunately, Rabbi Shimon Gruen brilliantly & compassionately addressed the issue of a mother who finds it difficult to like her children. The question & answer (used with his permission) are presented in full here:

Question

Dear Rabbi Gruen,

I have a very short question, yet it really affects every part of my Chinuch Habonim.

It’s not something I’m proud to say, yet I wonder if I’m the only one who’s feeling this way, or simply the only brave enough to admit it to myself, and present it in an anonymous forum.

I honestly find it difficult to like my children.

I find them annoying and bothersome, and not at all enjoyable or likeable. I once heard someone mention the difficulty of liking the people you love, and I can really relate to it.

Of course I love my children, but so often I have this feeling of them being so unlikeable, if you know what I mean. Is there anything you can tell me that will help me out?

Maybe there are others who will benefit from hearing your response on this as well.

Thanks in advance.

Answer

I will start by affirming your letter, you are definitely definitely not the only one not the only one who sometimes feels this way.

While others may experience such feelings, many people wouldn’t address it and therefore leave these negative feelings resolved.

As unfortunate and sad as this might be to acknowledge, it is still important to be aware of our feelings.

Trying to deny them or bury them won’t be helpful to anyone. Knowing the problem is half the solution.

Additionally, when we are open about the way we feel, we often learn that we are not the only one experiencing an issue, and we might find support and/or help from others who are going through, or have gone through, the same thing.

•

It’s interesting to note that we have quite a bit of autonomy when it comes to choosing certain people that we are surrounded with. We get to pick friends, vet neighbors, and choose country-mates. In fact, in some sense, we even have a choice when we decide upon a spouse! But when it comes to our kids, we have no choice.

That is because as much as we’d like to enjoy our children and see nachas from them, that was not what they were made for.

As much as we daven and plead for nachas from our children and that we should be able to take pride in the way they turn out, it is not something that we can always acquire.

In fact, many people never get to be proud of their children, no matter the efforts they pour into them!

Raising children is a responsibility, and while we hope and pray that it will be gratifying and fulfilling, it isn’t about the profits or the gains. It’s about putting in the work.

The outcome isn’t up to us, and doesn’t even matter, because the whole point of being a parent is to perfect our middos and become better people.

This might sound a bit idealistic, but it’s the truth.

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Often, when a parent feels negative emotions towards their child, it is because the child failed to live up to the parent’s expectations of him. We expect to see returns from our hard work, and when they fall short, we love them less.

Remember that you are not spending time with your child so that you can enjoy yourself.

Even if you find every moment agonizing and annoying, it is still part of your job. It is your responsibility to build your child up and give him a good atmosphere, and your interpretation of the experience doesn’t even factor into the equation.

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But it generally doesn’t end at fulfilling your obligations.

Giving breeds love, and the more you give to your child – selflessly – the more you will come to like him.

It doesn’t mean giving in to your child’s every whim, but it does mean giving away from yourself.

We sometimes might wonder why we love babies so much. We don’t realize that babies take a lot out of us, and we give to them without expecting much in return. After all, they’re just babies! Because of the selfless nature of our giving, it is so easy to love them.

As kids grow up, they need us less and less as they learn to be more independent, and thus, we have less opportunities to give to them.

We can see this a lot by parents of special needs children. They will often admit to loving their special needs child more than they have ever loved any of their kids.

Why is that?

Because they don’t expect anything from these kids. They have complete clarity over what their role with this child is and so they give and give and give.

It’s also possible that they don’t blame themselves for their child’s deficiency, whereas when there is a different kind of disappointment, some parents do blame themselves.

•

When a person is looking for ways only to gratify himself, he will find many things difficult.

But if he lives his life in the context of serving Hashem, his lifestyle will be completely different.

If we would sit inside the succah for our own pleasure, we can find 100 reasons to complain. It’s hot, it’s cold, it’s cramped, it’s wet. When we go inside the succah because we want to serve Hashem as He has commanded us, we enter feeling privileged and excited to be able to do this mitzvah.

It isn’t about attaining super lofty madreigos; it’s just about a mindset switch.

What am I doing here, and why?

When you understand that your children were given to you as part of your avodas Hashem, and not as “nachas machines”, raising them will turn into an entirely different experience.

Children help us work on our middos, teach us to be givers, help us practice our patience.

The Gemara says that a parent is an “oseh tzedakah b’chol eis” – one who does good deeds all the time.

Giving a bottle to a child, listening to a long and winded report of his day, or driving him to a friend’s house, all of that is part of our exalted avodah.

When our goal is to give, not to get, we develop a newfound appreciation and love for our children.

•

Another way to accomplish this would be to focus on our children’s attributes.

Don’t make your affection dependent on their good qualities, but do yourself a favor and remind yourself often of what it is that makes your child special.

Of course, all this is often easier said than done, especially when we are granted children who are especially challenging.

We need to be very careful, though, never to be ashamed of our children.

Children should never feel like their parents are disappointed in them or that they’re constantly being compared to others.

They are not equipped to handle such feelings.

Moreover, the ones that you think cause you the most embarrassment, might be the very ones that need you on their side the most and the ones who will help you reach your ultimate tachlis.

•

If you sit around waiting for your child to bring you nachas so that you can then finally find it in your heart to love him, you are essentially killing the messenger.

Most kids can only grow into their best selves once they feel accepted and loved by their parents.

When you are willing to put in the work, no matter what the outcome will be, you will often be surprised by the positive results.

When we will view our children through the lens of our avodas Hashem, it will help us approach parenting the right way.

With Hashem’s help, we will then merit to see much nachas from them gezunterheit.

With best wishes,
Rabbi Shimon Gruen

To contact Rabbi Gruen please call 718.841.6557 or e-mail rabbigruen@lehair.org

To subscribe to receive the weekly essay, please email parshalessons@lehair.org

Website: www.lehair.org

Please feel free to send any questions, on this topic or any topic to rabbigruen@lehair.org

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A Segulah for Producing Daughters, Plus How Rav Kanievsky Solved the Mystery of the Segulah that Seemed Not to Work

20/1/2021

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After having 3 boys, my friend's husband went to a rav to ask if there's a segulah for having girls.

The rav answered yes—use dry wine rather than sweet for Havdalah.

So they started making Havdalah over dry wine.

Then with a beaming smile, my friend said, "And our fourth was a girl!"

The Mystery of the Segulah that Seemed Not to Work

I've no idea of the segulah's source, but maybe it's because daughters tend to bring more sweetness to life and when you don't use sweet wine at Havdalah, Hashem decides to add more sweetness on His own?

No idea. I made that up. (And anyway, boys can also be sweet—I mean, at least when they're not bringing home mud, ripped pants, scratches, bruises, or scorpions, and the like...)

Anyway, a father of boys went to Rav Kanievsky to elicit a blessing for a daughter, and Rav Kanievsky recommended the above segulah.

After 2 years, the man returned to Rav Kanievsky to report that since then, Hashem continues to bless them with sons, not daughters.

"Yayin nesech," replied Rav Kanievsky—wine handled improperly, making it halachically prohibited for drinking.

The answer startled the father because he & his family were very frum people committed to Jewish Law.

However, they frequently made Havdalah at the home of his wife's father.

So this father of boys contacted his father-in-law to ask about the handling of the wine used for Havdalah and discovered that, indeed, this father of boys had unknowingly been using yayin nesach for Havdalah.

Hopefully, with their newfound knowledge (and newly bought & guarded dry wine), they'll be making a kiddush rather than a brit milah in the upcoming future!

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Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Vayechi: How to be Perfectly Peculiar—And Why You Really SHOULD be Perfectly Peculiar

31/12/2020

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In this week's dvar Torah by Rav Avigdor Miller, Parshat Vayechi: Personalities & Growth, he discusses how on Yaakov Avinu's deathbed, Yaakov Avinu notes how different each of his numerous sons are from one another.

Then Rav Miller cites Gemara Pesachim 56a, which mentions a man who went around saying, "I want to live along the coast."

He loved the seashore so much, he dreamed of building a home by the sea when he retired.

When they looked into why he loved the sea so much, they discovered this man descended from Zevulun, which was the sea-faring Tribe. Hashem ingrained within Bnei Zevulun a love for the ocean.

Another man went around saying, "Donu dini – Judge my case."

Whenever there was a disagreement between this man and another, he wasn't interested in arbitration or compromise; he wanted the crystalline verdict: Who's right? Who's wrong? And what must be done now?

He said "Donu dini" so often that they checked into his lineage and discovered what you probably already guessed: "Donu dini" descended from the Tribe of Dan.

Rav Miller explains about the inner make-up of Bnei Dan (pg. 5):

It’s a family that doesn’t believe in leeway, in bargaining and arbitration.

Shevet Dan was rigid; others might be more flexible, they’re not such sticklers for din, but the family of Dan liked that everything should be according to the strict letter of justice. It was a characteristic of the entire family.

That’s why there are people like that today too; they don’t like to deviate at all.

Even little children sometimes are born that way; it’s their nature to follow rules. It used to be in Europe, in Yiddish, we used to call a child like that a “zakonik.”

Zakon in Russian means law; a zakonik is a child who likes the law.

If you tell him once to close the door when he walks out, he’ll always remember that.

I remember I once saw a child like that. You told him once when he was a little baby of three years old, “Don’t forget to close the door,” and after that he never forgot.

It was in his nature.

I always love hearing about this different personalities characteristics of Tribes.

I even crave it.

I think it's because it's proof that different natures really are ordained by Hashem, so it follows that even if your society disapproves, Hashem Himself approves.

Meaning, Hashem Himself WANTS us to be this way or that way—used for the good, of course.

I think this helps access Divine Love. Hashem really does like YOU.

We are Not the Religion of Cloning

Every society idealizes certain personalities while disapproving of other personalities.

But that's all wrong.

It's what you DO with your personality that matters.

Every trait can be used for the good or the bad.

Allowing your child to be him or herself became a big issue in chinuch—and rightly so.

But what initially broke me (and I still remain dismayed by this) is how the chinuch people tend to expect mothers to be clones.

NOT all of them expect this. Definitely not all of them. There are chinuch people with genuine wisdom & insight.

But what I initially encountered made me feel like there's only one right way to be a mother.

And that one way always happened to be exactly the same way as the chinuch rebbetzin herself.

(It's obvious that was never intentional, but simply how they naturally felt.)

But that's 100% NOT true.

There is not only one way.

That's a recipe for disaster.

It's All Cramped & Dark Stuffed Inside the Mommy-Mold

For example, people have different sleep needs.

I have a friend who absolutely NEEDS 9 hours of sleep.

Even if she sleeps 8 hours at night, she still craves a short nap during the day.

So she needs to work around the need in life and sleep always remained one of her top priorities—even more than food.

And that's fine. That's her physiology. How on earth could she possibly change it?

She can't.

Others are energetic to the point they're bouncing off the walls, while others find it hard to get off the couch—and then there's everyone between those 2 extremes.

And that's just the basic unchangeable physiology of a human being.

Another example:

A wife with a competent, helpful husband experiences a different life with different resources than a wife with an unhelpful, demanding husband.

Also, the children's personalities define the home.

I know people insist that the mother decides the atmosphere of the home, but you can't compare a home of naturally hyper children to a home of naturally calm ones.

(I wrote more about that HERE.)

It's really the children who define the atmosphere of the home.

And because, no matter how hard I tried, I could never wedge myself deep enough into their mommy-mold, I mostly gave up listening to or reading chinuch lectures & books—with a few exceptions, of course.

Thank God for the exceptions!

And I more or less went the way Rav Shalom Arush writes in Garden of Education.

And I've been winging it ever since!

Anyway...

I think that reading about the different qualities of the Tribes offers a lot of comfort & chizuk (encouragement).

Not only is it okay to be different—even extremely different—from each other, but it is even DESIRABLE.

We literally & spiritually NEED to be different from each other!

That's exactly how Hashem set things up in the first place.

Here's Rav Miller again on page 6 (emphasis mine):

If I happen to think one way, it may be something that you cannot change in me; it may be built in into my nature.

Just as Zevulun loved the sea, and Dan loved clear-cut din – it wasn’t something you could change; it was inherited; it was in his blood and it would be transmitted forever to all of his seed.

Clone-Enforcement is Rebellion against Hashem

Pages 8-12 are essential (and fun) reading.

Rav Miller describes different Gedolim (both men & women) in Jewish history who contributed what they did by virtue of their personality—contributions others could not have made.

As Rav Miller states (pages 7-8; boldface & underline mine):

It’s not an accident; that’s what Hakodosh Boruch Hu wants, that each one will use his own particular talents, his own characteristics in his service of Hashem.

Hakodosh Boruch Hu has planned these differences from the beginning and He’s waiting to see, “Will this person utilize his stay in this world to bring forth by means of his own personality and his unique capabilities the greatness that he’s capable of?”

Think about that for a moment.

This idea means that if we force someone to stuff his or her own personality into a box and serve Hashem like someone of the opposite personality, then we are going against Hashem's Will.

In that case, we are harming the Jewish people.

Hashem WANTS the unique service of this personality & that personality.

Who are we to deny Him?

Who are we to think we know better than the Creator of the Universe?

Take a Walk on the Peculiar Side

Rav Miller, page 14 (boldface & underline mine):

It means that this world is your place for achieving greatness by means of your peculiarities.

The Rambam says that every person is capable of becoming as great as Moshe Rabbeinu! Not by being Moshe Rabeinu. Not by being Rashi or Sarah Schenirer or the Baal Shem Tov.

By being yourself!

Throughout the dvar Torah, Rav Miller repeatedly uses the word "peculiarities" to describe our unique differences.

That's not a mistake or because he couldn't find a better word.

We often fear being thought strange, weird, odd, or peculiar.

But here, we see that Rav Miller wants us to take davka what's strange, weird, odd, or peculiar and USE it in Hashem's Service.

When channeled correctly, peculiar is perfectly praiseworthy!

And don't forget the Practical Tip on page 17...

Credit for all quotes & material goes to the uniquely wonderful Toras Avigdor.

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Discover True Beauty & Life's Real Achievements, Plus Learn What's Really Necessary in Life: The Profound Importance of Jewish Children & Their Diverse Natures

2/9/2020

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Toras Avigdor has put together a powerful PDF of Rav Avigdor Miller's transcripted lectures on motherhood:

https://torasavigdor.org/building-worlds/

Rav Miller speaks from the heart and it's clear he possessed profound appreciation for the role of the Jewish mother.

And he doesn't focus only on the ones society admires (i.e., the Stunning Do-It-All Superwoman).

He speaks so compellingly about ALL frum Jewish mothers; every frum Jewish mother is a heroine.

For what it's worth, I feel that reading Rav Miller's words on the topic can inspire you to appreciate not only yourself (if you are a mother), but also inspire fondness & appreciation for all our fellow frum Jewish mothers.

I think men can also benefit from Rav Miller's point of view because it helps to appreciate the roles of one's own wife or mother (and grandmothers!), plus enables a father to provide his daughter with the best hashkafah regarding her role as a frum Jewish mother, whether it's in her future or whether she's up to her ears in it now.

But to digress a bit, several paragraphs jumped out at me (pages 10-12, boldface emphasis my own addition):

Every child is an achievement for the Am Yisroel.

If you’re a Jewish mother, you made our people a better people and the Am Yisroel is grateful to you for bringing so much beauty into our people.

Because what are parents doing?

They are planting various kinds of trees and plants in the world.

The world can’t have just one kind of tree and plant. Roses are beautiful but it’s not enough. To have only violets? It’s not enough.

You need various flowers; roses and violets and lilies, everything else – all kinds of plants.

The variety adds beauty and pleasure to this world; every different plant is a different benefit for the world.

Fruit too; you need apples and oranges and bananas and dates and figs. You eat everything and each one has its own sweetness.

The sweetness of apricots is not like the sweetness of an apple. And the sweetness of an apple is not like the sweetness of an orange. And grapes are different and pears are different.

*
And therefore, when parents have children, they’re putting into the world people of different natures and that means they’re walking in the ways of Hakodosh Boruch Hu.

*
And it’s a pleasure to see all of them – we need all of them!

What a great achievement it is!

Let’s say a man comes here to the lecture and brings all of his sons. Let’s say he brings five or six sons. It’s remarkable how different they are. It’s a remarkable thing; from the same parents the children are so entirely different.

This one is fat and jolly. This one is skinny and serious. That’s a true case I’m talking about – a family I know. One of the little boys has a face like a businessman – like an adult already.

Everybody is different! From the same parents! It’s a neis [miracle]!

It’s a pleasure to have skinny serious people, skinny serious Jews – it’s very important to have them.

Fat jolly Jews – it’s a pleasure to have them.

Business-like Jews – it’s a pleasure to have them.

Each one is a pleasure, no question about it.

The freiliche [cheerful] Jews and the serious Jews and the business-like Jews, all of them are necessary.

*
Also the women. One daughter is like this, another daughter is like this.

One daughter is quiet and obedient. Another daughter is a little freilach and mischievous, a lebideger [lively one].

Another daughter is stubborn.

They’re not robots that you program – each one is a world unto herself.

But you’d be surprised; you need them all.

They’re so different one from each other but each one uses her middos in a way that serves Hakodosh Boruch Hu.

The idea running through these paragraphs is so important, particularly in light of Rav Itamar Schwartz's emphasis on how Hashem sent covid-19 into the world partly because we lost our grasp on what he calls "holy individuality." (source)

Despite its reputation to the contrary, Judaism is the anti-robot religion.

And yet...

When our children behave according to their God-given natures...

...and when that particular God-given nature doesn't fit into cultural or social ideals...

...we parents can feel very, very bad about that.

Yes, we need to mechanech (train & educate) our children. Unbridled freilichkeit turns into insensitivity & driving others crazy with irresponsible behavior. Unrefined seriousness turns also turns into insensitivity via snubs & general disregard for the needs of others.

But here, one of the biggest talmidei chachamim to ever grace the American continent (and a man who does not hesitate to tell us the truth, regardless of how palatable or unpalatable) states that our children's individuality — including the more challenging or socially unappreciated aspects of their individuality — is NECESSARY.

An ACHIEVEMENT, states Rav Miller.

We tend to think of achievements as actions that earn wild applause & golden trophies & headlines. Or impressive certificates & accolades.

Conventionally speaking, achievements garner big salaries & major recognition, plus honors, magazine interviews, appearances on popular talk shows, and lots of followers on social media.

But no, says Rav Miller.

A mischievous child, a hyper child, an introverted child — THESE are achievements.

Forget the trophies, the applause, the certificates with pretty calligraphy, the big money, and the spotlight.

Those aren't real achievements, according to the Torah.

Most tellingly, Rav Miller listed traits that many parents find challenging.

(And yes, serious children also challenge adults because these serious ones can take life annoyingly seriously, not smile when adults expect them to, and in general not respond in the way adults & other children consider polite & proper.)

So according to this exceptionally knowledgeable Torah scholar, the very children who embarrass their parents by acting up, blurting out all sorts of nonsense or tactlessness, or not smiling engagingly or not responding as expected out of shyness or insecurity — THEY are necessary! We need them!

The fact that they need chinuch does NOT imply a fault within their innate nature.

They add beauty to the world.

Not just the obviously charming, well-spoken, well-groomed & well-behaved children, but ALL children.

Your child that drives you the craziest & garners the most phone calls from exasperated teachers — THIS child is equally an achievement & a necessity & a thing of beauty.

And YOU were also once a child...a necessary, needed neshamah — an achievement who adds beauty to the world.

And you still are.

A metaphorical portrait of our children.

Quotes & material used with the generous permission of Toras Avigdor.

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What Really Lies Beneath the "Progressive" Exterior of Anti-Torah Movements & Their Supporters?

15/7/2020

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Not long after I started keeping Shabbat, my little sister's bat mitzvah ceremony came up.

Note: "Bat Mitzvah" a misnomer, by the way. The movement for Conservative-which-is-actually-very-liberal "Judaism" cannot stand anything that puts females before males.

(Yes, this is despite doing feministy things, like including women in a minyan — but that's mostly so that they'll sometimes have a minyan because relying on the men alone often doesn't add up to 10 in many of their communities.)

So girls have the option to get a bat mitzvah at age 13 (rather than age 12, according to halachah), which they are expected to do so they don't make the fake liberal men feel inferior. Of course, no one actually says that. Instead, they claim the delayed bat mitzvah is for reasons of "maturity."

Also, there's not much mitzvah involved when you consider all the chilul Shabbat taking place in this movement, what with driving on Shabbat and using microphones during the service on Shabbat, etc.

Anyway, this meant that I needed a place within walking distance to the Sabbath services.

At that time, I did not know that just attending services in such a place is a halachic problem and it didn't occur to me to ask. Informative Orthodox literature was limited at that time, especially if you lived outside the main frum centers of the USA, where you didn't have frum bookstores and the like.

So a friend of my parents volunteered herself & her family to host me for Shabbat. No one asked her.

She volunteered.

This point is important in relation to what happened later.

So please remember that this family — particularly the wife — VOLUNTEERED to host me and did so CHEERFULLY, along with the verbal reassurance that they both UNDERSTOOD Shabbat observance & WANTED to host someone with these standards.

This couple had a 13-year-old daughter & a 9-year-old daughter, both younger than me (I was around 18 or 19), and both of whom I liked.

The American wife (whom we'll call "Atalia") and her Israeli husband lived in Israel at one point and gave the impression that they were comfortable with Shabbat observance.

Atalia had always been very friendly toward me with an engaging sense of humor, and I looked forward to spending more time with her and her family.

Prior to that, there were only 2 signs that anything was off:

The younger girl walked around like she was literally depressed, which is very unusual in a 9-year-old. I literally never saw her not depressed. Shoulders sagging and her mouth always turned down, she once confided that she was forced to attend basketball practice every day after school, even though she hated every minute of it.

My heart went out to her because when I was her age, I hated phys. ed class and she was such an introverted bookish type with a solid heavy build (not fat, but just very big-boned with wide flat pigeon-toed feet), she wasn't made for playing basketball at all.

The very nice older daughter was unusually quiet and sometimes verbally bullied at the tri-weekly (2 afternoons, plus Sunday) Hebrew school we all attended at that age.

(Unfortunately, such bullying is not an uncommon occurrence among the Hebrew schools associated with the movement for Conservative-which-is-actually-very-liberal "Judaism." But you will never hear about it officially because people are only allowed to malign ORTHODOX institutions & communities. Conservative & Reform are considered above reproach. Alternatively, they're considered so ignorant & compromised that they inspire a "Well, what else would you expect?" attitude — which still doesn't nullify the very real harm they cause.)

The Jekyll-Hyde Mommy

The place of worship was located in a well-to-do neighborhood, which doesn't even host a middle class.

When I arrived at their lovely home, I was greeted warmly.

They showed me to a clean & pleasant guest room.

After around half-an-hour, I heard a berating outburst.

It went on. And on.

What could possibly be so wrong?

I poked my head out the doorway, which was just down the hall from the kitchen.

There was Atalia criticizing her older daughter non-stop.

Apparently, the 13-year-old girl was not tossing the salad just right.

Nor was she seasoning the salad in exactly the right way.

The anger in Atalia's voice shocked me.

At that point, I had never heard someone berate their child like that and so relentlessly.

It just went on and on. (I knew people who'd been abused in other ways, but not this kind of verbal onslaught.)

Also, it struck me as insane to feel so strongly about salad-tossing.

The daughter just submitted to it, only murmuring "Okay" and "Sorry" here and there, which made the mother's ongoing verbal battery even more disturbing and mystifying.

I really couldn't stand idly by while this was going on, so I appeared at the kitchen doorway and pleasantly offered my help with preparations.

Atalia turned to me with a fake delighted smile while her daughter kept stoically tossing that salad, doing her best to accommodate her mother's nitpicky instructions.

Atalia cooed, "Oh, that's so sweet of you, but we're fine here."

"Are you sure?" I said pleasantly. "I really don't mind. It's so nice of you to host me for Shabbos and I'm happy to help."

Just for background: At that time, I knew nothing about salad-making, except for the pre-washed & pre-cut make-your-own-salad bar available at Pizza Hut. But it was the only thing I could think of to offer, and I figured that as long as I was around, she'd be too self-conscious to keep on at her daughter.

Finally, they let me help, but I can't remember how — probably because I'd never chopped a cucumber in my life, and I was in shock at the whole display of abuse, especially toward such an accommodating & submissive victim.

I'd also never seen a teenager respond to such an attack with such utter submission.

I also wondered how Atalia regularly treated her children, if this was how abusive she becomes over something so minor.

The 9-year-old's depressed demeanor started to make more sense.

I tried to act like I hadn't heard anything so the girl wouldn't feel embarrassed around me.

Then came the time for Shabbos candle-lighting.

The Shabbos Light "Disaster"

Then I went back to the guest room and tried to remember if there was anything I needed to do before Shabbat.

If memory serves correctly, I was still wearing jeans because I didn't know about changing in honor of Shabbat, but rather just changing right before you go to the synagogue.

Anyway, I stood there pondering the room intensely, then brightened upon remembering to turn out the light before Shabbos!

It sounds very funny now, but before I got used to keeping Shabbos, remembering little things like this (even though it was just one thing) was a big challenge and therefore, a big accomplishment.

Anyway, I went to go light candles and for some reason Atalia kept pleasantly pushing it off.

I felt very uncomfortable about being an assertive guest (assertive seemed like bad manners), but I was afraid of either transgressing Shabbos or not getting to light candles at all.

Very hesitantly & uncomfortably, I pressed the issue as politely & accommodatingly as possible, and finally got to light.

I was very confused because she'd given the impression that she was very open to hosting a Shabbos-observer, but now seemed like she'd been intentionally blocking me to either violate Shabbat or not light at all.

But she seemed so pleasant & unassuming about it all, so I was confused. (At that time, I didn't really know about what's called "covert aggression" or "passive aggression.")

It was also confusing because Atalia had always been so nice to me & I liked her so much.

If we like each other so much, then why was she treating me this way?

Then I went back to my room and to my horror, I saw that the light was on.

How can I sleep with the light on all night??!! (It seems funny to me now that the thought of sleeping under a bright light all night was so end-of-the-world. But I was at a very different stage back then.)

And now I was also even more confused.

I knew I'd turned off the light. And it seemed to me that in the brief moments between the time I'd left the room and lit candles, then returned to the room, someone had turned on the light. But why? There wasn't anything in there that they needed; it was an empty room designated only for guests.

Also, why would Atalia have done that? She knew the laws of Shabbos and knew that I couldn't turn off the lights.

And she'd invited me to her home with the express reassurance that she knew how to host a shomer Shabbos person.

So what gives?

The Shape-Shifting Sabbath Hostess

Very flustered, I hovered around the white-carpeted hallway as Atalia went back and forth to rooms with a butter-wouldn't-melt-in-my-mouth look on her face, pretending not to notice me.

Finally, I worked up the guts to timidly say, "Um, excuse me?"

She whipped around to look at me in pleasant & obviously fake surprise and said, "Yes! Is everything okay?"

"Well, um..." I hemmed & hawed, feeling ridiculous.

She perked her head to one side, smiled at me expectantly, and said, "Yes?" in an encouraging manner.

She acted so pleasant & innocent that I didn't immediately register the "Gotcha!" look in her widened eyes.

So I stammered something about the light being on in my room.

I didn't know what to do about it because on one hand, I felt like it would be impossible to sleep with it on; yet on the other hand, Jewish Law forbids turning it off.

And though I didn't know the halacha then, it seemed logical to me that another Jew could not turn it off, even when that Jew is completely non-shomer-Shabbos.

If it's forbidden, then it's forbidden to every Jew regardless of personal observance.

But at that time, I didn't actually know that logical conclusion was true.

Anyway, Atalia kept up her pleasant smile, but her eyes narrowed.

Then in a soft yet ominous voice, she said, "You want me to turn off that light, don't you."

I wasn't sure what to answer, partly because I was pretty sure she wasn't allowed & partly because I didn't understand this sudden melodramatic shift in the conversation.

In reply, I stammered because I felt like I couldn't say either yes or no.

"Okay," she said the same soft yet venomous voice as if we were in some theatrical drama. "I'll turn off your light for you."

Then she moved right into my face, about 2 inches from my nose, gave me a viper-like smile, and said very softly (using my secular name, which is changed here to protect both the guilty & the innocent), "You know what, Lisa? I reeeeeally hate people like you."

Then she went to go turn off the light.

I was left stunned, not sure what had happened.

People like me?

What, a teenage Neturei Karta in jeans and hairspray?

O, Religious Fanatical Zealot that I was!

Clearly, the whole scenario was a set-up. She perceived that I was too weak & ignorant at that point to resist telling her it needed to be turned off.

Either way, she knew she would win because either I'd at least hint to her to turn off the light, or I'd suffer it on all night (which would & still does ruin my sleep for that night).

So she'd get to torment me no matter what.

And just for knowing, I was too gobsmacked to be hurt or insulted by her telling me that she "reeeeeeally" hates me.

It's like if your Sabbath hostess suddenly shape-shifted into a reptilian alien 2 inches from your nose, would you be hurt or insulted?

No, of course not.

You'd be thinking "Whoa, this is so bizarre & unexpected!" and "Bummer, I'm stuck for the rest of Shabbos with this reptilian alien shape-shifter!"

But you wouldn't be hurt or insulted. Just weirded-out & dismayed.

I Sense a Feminist Dictatorship Here...

The next morning, the girls showed me the way to services. They were very nice as usual, but unhappy.

I told them how much I appreciated them showing me the way & tried engaging them in conversation.

They let their guard down a bit & when asked what she wanted to be when she grew up, the 13-year-old girl said, "My mother wants me to be a Reform rabbi when I grow up, but I don't want to be."

She seemed hopelessly resigned to the fact.

Then the younger girl said mournfully, "And Mom wants me to be a professional basketball player, but I HATE basketball." Then her solid little body started sagging so much, I thought she'd fall over on her face.

I thought both were bizarre goals for one's daughter.

It also seemed strange that their mother imposed future careers on them, which included forcing them — especially the youngest — to continuously engage in activities they hated.

For the younger girl, I wondered how it felt to have to participate daily in something you hated so much, something you weren't good at and would never be good at.

Also, knowing how kids were with sports, I wondered how it felt to have a coach needing to sweetly encourage or guide you (constantly, because you were always messing up) and to deal with the resentment of teammates who couldn't relate to your lack of enthusiasm and skill, which ruined the game for them.

Forcing your child onto a future path was something I thought only happened in the olden days — you know, before the end of the Victorian caste system.

I also couldn't understand why the girls felt they were doomed to follow their mother's dictates as adults, when they'd be free to leave home and live their own lives.

(Welcome to Feminist Totalitarianism.)

So I reassured them that they'd be able to leave the minute they were 18 and do whatever they wanted & and live as far from home as they wanted for the rest of their lives.

That cheered them a bit, but they still remained unhappy & resigned. I don't think they really believed they'd ever be free.

Flatbush-Jew Validation is Better Than Therapy

Very confused about what had happened, I later told my parents about it.

My mom looked scandalized and understandably speechless. She herself would never be so confrontational, even with a guest she did not like. (She also never would've gone out of her way to invite a guest just to torture them.)

My dad looked startled for a moment, then shifted in to "Flatbush Jewish Guy" mode.

With a sarcastic snort and a grunt, he scoffed, "Yeah, Atalia gets like that sometimes."

"Like what?" I said. "She's always been so nice!"

"Naaah," he said, smirking more (not at me, but about Atalia) by the moment in good ol'-fashioned Flatbush style. "Atalia sometimes goes into melodrama-mode. I wouldn't take her seriously at all. It's not worth it." He looked right at me with a knowing smirk (against Atalia in validation of me). "Really. Don't take her seriously."

It felt really good knowing that my dad believed me over an adult and a friend of theirs, and that he was so disdainful of her behavior. I felt like that meant I was okay after all.

(My mom still couldn't find anything to say about such discourteous behavior, and her response was validating too.)

Unconditional Support Means Unconditional Blamelessness for All!

Two years later, I was appalled but not surprised to hear that the older girl was in the hospital for a suicide attempt at age 15. (She survived, baruch Hashem.)

At first, Atalia tried to cover it up, but the truth came out anyway.

Of course, Atalia's friends from their synagogue for Conservative-which-is-actually-very-liberal "Judaism" were very supportive.

Mainstream Americans love to rally around and offer non-judgmental support for their peers because if a verbally abusive tyrant who drove her sweet submissive daughter to suicide doesn't need to take responsibility for her behavior, then nobody does.

And life is much more palatable that way.

(Note: A suicide attempt doesn't always indicate abusive parenting, but in this case it did.)

And We All Lived Happily Ever After...Kind of

I don't know exactly what happened to the girls later in life.

I believe the older girl finally got the relief she needed (at least somewhat), after all the bullying she endured from her mother and her Hebrew school.

I'm not sure if Atalia truly changed, or whether she adjusted her behavior out of fear of being exposed again as the really dysfunctional mother she was.

If I remember correctly, the older girl later went to college (majoring in something she liked, and not Reform rabbinate studies), and married a nice boy.

I don't know what happened with the younger girl, but I'm positive she never became a basketball player.

And by the way, I still HATE sleeping with the light on, but have been in that situation since & just dealt with it, and never again even hinted to anyone to turn it on.

Note: Upon hearing the above story, someone mentioned that it could be that it wasn't yet Shabbat when she turned on the light; maybe it wasn't actually shkiyah yet. Hopefully, that's true. But I don't know.

Nice, Open-Minded, Progressive, Liberal Abuse

While usually it's better to talk about the good aspects of Torah life rather than look to bash the non-Torah people & movements (so says Rav Shteinman HERE), sometimes we still need to reveal the truth behind certain anti-Torah leaders & anti-Torah movements.

For example, Yerushalayim mayor Moshe Lion recently blocked a Reform attempt at encroachment of the Kotel (source).

(UPDATE: Rav Yitzchak Yosef has also taken a strong stand against the incredibly destructive Reform movement. h/t Neshama)

GOOD FOR THEM!!!

The anti-Torah movements & leaders (whether they're specifically feminist or any of type of liberalization) always present themselves as compassionate & open-minded with good intentions. For example, the Wall Womyn describe themselves as "liberators" looking to "secure rights" for women at the Kotel.

Women already have rights at the Kotel — like the right to sincere heartfelt prayer & basking in the holiness of the Shechinah.

The Wall Womyn destroy that right.

Ironically, many frum people give the benefit of the doubt to the participants (though not necessarily the leaders) because "they don't know any better."

However, I remember Atalia was very into the liberalization of authentic Torah Judaism and very anti-Orthodox (as I discovered that Shabbat).

She was very pro-feminism, and the Wall Womyn would've been right up her alley.

But despite Atalia's pleasant, engaging, and liberal exterior, she was actually an extremely abusive, hate-filled, controlling person — as a lot of these people are.

I grew up in the movements for Reform & Conservative-which-is-actually-very-liberal "Judaism" and yes, there are nice people who are simply misled by the propaganda.

But there are also a lot of people who are dysfunctional.

Yet they portray themselves very differently than they actually are.

For example, one successful radiologist, upon hearing that I'd started keeping Torah & mitzvot, sneered at me and said, "Oh yeah? My daughter also started up with that, but I crushed that out of her right away. Would not tolerate it. Your parents apparently didn't manage to do that with you, did they. Oh well. Their loss."

Another father kept up constant harassment of his newly frum son for as long as the son lived at home. The son couldn't even eat from a plastic plate in peace (though you'd think it would be his mother who'd have a harder time with that, but she handled it better than the father) because the fact that the son wouldn't eat off the family dishes was too big a criticism for the father.

And this son was very, very respectful to his parents. Despite his son's constant pleasantness, the father refused to stop with all the confrontations & harassment.

Ultimately, the son managed to leave and get into a yeshivah in a frum community, where he was finally free.

All these people support liberal, "progressive" values and "rights," but they're actually very controlling & will behave abusively to anyone who behaves differently.

Baruch Hashem, my own parents were nice & accommodating about things and it helped that they had positive experiences with the local frum community (which is huge praise for all the frum people who behave with such courtesy & pleasantness to non-frum people).

But the anti-Torah leaders & many of the participants are not like that.

They utilize appealing language, but beneath the surface, they can be extremely controlling, manipulative, and abusive.

They can be the type of person who drives a 9-year-old into depression and a 15-year-old into suicide.

Focus on Healing the Core, But Don't Give Way to the Attacks Coming from Outside

I'm not saying we should attack people.

There is also a place for being nice to these people, particularly some of the misled participants, if they are indeed decent people who are simply misguided. (Not all of the participants are simply "lost little lambs;" Atalia was not a leader in any of these movements, but she was a firm supporter.)

We should also focus on strengthening & improving our own frum communities more than fighting back against the anti-Torah elements.

We should be so good & spiritually healthy that we create a strong barrier against both anti-Torah forces & Jew-hatred.

"Clean up your own backyard first" is always good advice.

But at the same time, we should definitely not be afraid to stand up to these "progressive" anti-Torah movements and to hold on to what we know is right, despite all the rage & accusations they heap upon us — accusations which apply much more to them than to us. (Only you'll probably never see it unless you're firmly within their community, like I was.)

They don't really care about anyone else's "rights" or anything spiritual or even Judaism (which is why so many of them marry non-Jews with fake "conversions").

And they aren't as niiiiiiice & open-minded as they like to appear.

After all, isn't it really weird to get in the face of a vulnerable teenage girl and tell her that you really hate people like her?

Can we all agree that's not very nice or open-minded?

They just crave permission to behave however they want for themselves, and they enjoy being in control & abusing others.

They know that the frum community is a minority and also has the world media against them, so they strike at the heart of Torah because they feel they can get away with it.

(And as shown above, they have a deep-seated hatred for the fundamentals of Torah, like Shabbos, which is the core sign between Hashem & the Jewish people. A lot of them have issues with kashrut too.)

And as we face these onslaughts from anti-Torah leaders & movements who portray themselves as oh-so much more caring & fair-minded & progressive, a lot of them are probably like the people mentioned in this post.

Not all of them. But a lot of them.

So it's important to keep the above story in mind.

We don't need to fear or accommodate or "dialogue" with them.

Ultimately, for many of them, it's not that they don't understand.

It's that they have really bad middot that blind them to any kind of Truth.

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The Best Advice for the Most Effective Chinuch from the Great Talmid Chacham Rav Gershon Edelstein

12/7/2020

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If you go HERE, you can see a 2-minute video of Rav Gershon Edelstein, the Rosh Yeshivah of Ponevezh in Bnei Brak, and one of the premier talmidei chachamim of today.

I'm sorry it's in Hebrew only, but I'll explain it in English below. Also, videos of Rav Edelstein are available online with English subtitles. Just please watch out for the extraneous explanation points (!!!!) imposed within the subtitles (which also appear in this video in the Hebrew subtitles); they reflect the transcriber's understandable excitement over the words of the talmid chacham, rather than the authentic reflection of the talmid chacham's tone of voice.

I'll go over what Rav Edelstein says in English, but what's valuable here is the rav's facial expressions as he speaks. It's worth watching for that, even if you don't understand the Hebrew. His facial expressions are very telling.

So...the questioner presents the dilemma of a 12-year-old boy who doesn't want to daven, and asks what to do. How much should the parent insist on prayer at the proper times? (For example, Kriyat Shema needs to be said by a certain time in the morning, and Shacharit needs to be said before noon, etc.)

Please notice how the rav listens intently to the question, giving it his full focus.

Then the rav answers: "B'darchei noam" — literally: "with ways of pleasantness."

This is a famous & common phrase in Judaism.

(Again, please ignore the boldface letters & explanation point in the subtitle of the rav's answer. Rav Edelstein isn't yelling or pounding on the table; he's speaking with equanimity. Again, the boldface & exclamation point indicate the transcriber's enthusiasm and not the rav's emotional state or tone of voice.)

The rav repeats "only b'darchei noam" a couple of times, adding "bli kefiyah — without force."

When the questioner asks about nagging the child, the rav's tone becomes stern as he says, "No, no, no, no" and he makes a face as if someone placed a plate of rotten eggs in front of him (00.28-00.30).

The rav then explains that the parent should use encouragement to awaken the child's desire to daven.

"The child knows what's good," says the rav.

In other words, the child already knows what he's supposed to do. He simply doesn't want to daven.

It's an issue of desire, not awareness or knowledge.

So via encouragement, a parent can awaken the right desire. Nagging & compulsion don't help, says the rav.

When the rav mentions the word b'kefiyah again at point 00:43-00:45, you see how his whole face frowns just at the idea of chinuch b'kefiyah — via force.

"It's forbidden to force the child," says the rav, calling such a method "chinuch hafuch — backwards (or upside-down) education," which, the says, leads to the opposite result of what's intended & doesn't positively influence the child "at all."

Instead, the rav recommends encouraging the child in a way that's "interesting" and "friendly" from a state of "love." (01:02-01:07)

He also mentions the role example plays in proper chinuch (01:09-01:13) "A child does what the father does," says the rav. "There's the nature of imitation."

Then the rav repeats "b'darchei noam," adding that the child shouldn't feel like there's any criticism of him.

"If a child perceives criticism," says the rav at 01:37, "that hurts him a lot. It causes the child to 'throw off the yoke'." (Meaning, the sweet "yoke" of Torah & mitzvot.)

Rav Edelstein continues, "It's forbidden to say criticism. This is an important rule in chinuch. He shouldn't perceive criticism of himself. That's the rule."

It's interesting that just the mentioned of "nagging" caused instinctive repulsion in the rav.

Many people do not consider nagging in the same category as criticism or compulsion.

This is why it's so important to hear what the REAL Torah Sages say.

Meaning, not just the ones who attained intellectual knowledge of Torah, but the ones who've INTERNALIZED the Torah they've learned.

Due to their genuine wisdom, real Torah Sages have a whole different way of perceiving things.

And if we listen to them, we become wiser too.

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The Stunning Greatness of "Regular" Jews – Chaviva & Tzvi Moshe Tzachor: "How is It Possible to Abandon the Blind Baby? Instead, We Decided to Adopt Her."

5/7/2020

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43 years ago in the Biblical city of Kiryat Arba, Chaviva Tzachor was 8 months pregnant with her 8th child when she happened to gaze at a notice in a newspaper as she stood in line at the grocery store:

"A baby girl is searching for a home."

As Chaviva read further, she learned that the baby girl was born blind and the institution holding her sought a permanent home with adoptive parents to care for her.

Against all logic, Chaviva felt she must adopt this baby.

Despite never buying newspapers, she decided to buy this one to show the ad to her husband, Tzvi Moshe.

Tzvi Moshe Tzachor worked in Yerushalayim. When he came home that evening, the family ate dinner together, then Chaviva said, "I want to show you something I saw in the newspaper."

But Tzvi Moshe said, "Wait...first of all, I want to show you something that I saw."

And he took out a clipping from a newspaper he'd run across at work.

It was the same ad for the blind baby girl.

Deeply moved by this "coincidence," both parents saw this as a sign from Hashem telling them they were meant to adopt this baby.

So they called the number on the ad and discovered it belonged to an institution in Tel Aviv that housed disabled children.

The couple was invited to come the next day to see the baby (who was around a year old).

Oh...You Guys Meant THAT Kind of Blind.

Chaviva & Tzvi Moshe arrived the next morning. (No easy feat considering Israel's transportation system back in 1977.)

Upon arrival, the staff showed them a bundle all wrapped up as a staff member held this "bundle" in a way so that the couple could only see the back of the baby's head.

Realizing the institution wanted to hide something, Chaviva & Tzvi Moshe asked to hold the baby themselves.

The staff resisted.

The couple insisted.

Finally, the staff allowed them to hold the baby.

And then Chaviva & Tzvi Moshe spotted what the staff tried to hide.

The baby had no eyeballs.

Instead, her closed eyelids sank into empty sockets.

"I think the staff was very tense about our decision," Chaviva recalled later. "It was hard for them to believe we would agree to accept a baby in that condition. But I looked at my husband, he looked at me, and we both stated to them unequivocally, 'We are ready to take her'."

And they did.

"With God's Help, No Baby will Ever Die in My Custody."

Chaviva admits that at the time, she did not consider the long-term consequences of their decision.

"It was clear to me that here was an abandoned baby in need of a home," she said. "What was needed at that moment was to help her; as far as we were concerned, it was saving a Jewish life — pure and simple."

With regard to the fact that Chaviva herself was only a month away from giving birth, she says matter-of-factly, "And what if I'd been having twins? Would I say I can only care for one of them? The attitude of mine and my husband's was to do what was necessary at that moment — including if it's not easy and even if it's complicated."

The institution was thrilled with their decision to adopt and promised to contact them once all the papers were ready.

All the bureaucracy took only 3 days. (Highly unusual at that time.) They contacted the Tzachors, who returned to pick up their new baby.

Chaviva immediately sought a medical examination for the baby girl.

At that time, Kiryat Arba lacked a proper health clinic, so the community was forced to use the services of an army doctor.

After completing his examination, the doctor told Chaviva, "Wrap her up and send her back to the place from which you brought her. Apparently, they prefer that she die in your custody and not in theirs."

But Chaviva remained resolute.

"With God's Help," she replied, "no baby will ever die in my custody."

Chaviva Asserts Liat's Place in the Family

In a family of mostly boys, the best place for the new baby was in the room of the then-12-year-old daughter, Mina.

But the baby's appearance horrified Mina.

"I'm not prepared to sleep with her in my room!" she said.

Chaviva understood her daughter, but pleasantly told her, "You may sleep wherever you choose. But the baby stays here."

Mina's Struggle

It took Mina 35 years to reveal her true feelings about their first hours together.

"I hated her," says Mina.

That first night, Chaviva (not knowing which side the baby preferred to sleep) lay the baby on her side and left her that way, figuring that the baby would find her favorite position on her own.

After all, the institution told her that the baby knew how to turn over on her own.

But that ended up being a lie.

But late at night, when everyone else was sleeping Mina got up to look at her new sister and noticed that the one-year-old remained on that same side.

As Mina gazed at her new sister, her heart seethed with hatred & rage.

The crumpled little eyelids sunk into empty sockets. The little body full of repulsive bedsores that stank.

"Why did she come into my life?" Mina recalled thinking to herself. "I wanted a nice sister. And here, the baby girl who arrived was so ugly. She was a neglected baby and not at all according to my expectations."

Still seething with resentment, Mina approached the baby and jabbed her in the back with her finger.

The jab caused the baby to flop onto her stomach, her face pressing into the mattress.

Mina waited for the baby to roll back over (as per the reassurance of the institution), but the little girl never moved.

"Suddenly, I panicked," said Mina. "I pulled her back onto her side and then heard her sigh a very deep sigh — 'Ahhhhhhhhhhh' — like a 100-year-old man. That alarmed me and I realized just how helpless she was."

This aroused the compassion trapped beneath Mina's anger & hatred.

And Mina's innate compassion won out.

In the dark quiet of the night, Mina found herself speaking a promise to her new sister:

"Don't worry — I'll help you."

A Baby in Despair

The blind baby's arrival upended life for the Tzachor family.

In addition to the smelly bedsores & the lack of eyeballs, Liat suffered terrible constipation that made her sweat & strain with each movement — yet she never uttered a sound because in addition to everything else, Liat had given up on crying.

Crying never helped. So her little baby self had given up.

The only doctor who knew how to help with the physical problems worked in Tel Aviv, so Chaviva brought Liat all the way back there, then returned home to follow his instructions: For the constipation, a teaspoon of raisin wine every 15 minutes around the clock.

This became a full-time chore.

Chaviva could not even send Liat to the local daycare because they were not equipped to deal with her problems.

A Deeper Perspective on Crying

Over time, the family's dedicated treatment improved the baby's condition.

For the bedsores, Chaviva could only wipe clean the baby's skin between the sores; a full bath was against doctor's orders.

Eventually, the bedsores cleared up & allowed Chaviva to bathe her for the first time.

But it was a shock for the baby.

"Apparently, for a little baby who cannot see," remembers Chaviva, "the sudden sensation was very frightening. But after a moment, I saw her relax. And even her hand, which was always clenched in a fist that never opened, found release and went slack [in a good way]. Until then, we always joked how she must have stolen the midwife's ring, and how because of that, she never opened her hand."

With the warm bath, the little girl's entire body relaxed. Her legs were no longer stiff as a board and her knees now started to bend.

It seemed to Chaviva that the little girl was enjoying herself.

Finally, Chaviva finished bathing her, then lifted the baby to her shoulder for a cuddle.

And that's when Liat started crying for the first time — strong, lusty cries.

"I get emotional all over again every time I recall it because it was the first time she started to cry — to cry hard," says Chaviva. "It was as if she was trying to tell us, 'Look! After all this time, there is finally somebody who touches me and loves me!'

"I will never forget that cry," says Chaviva.

The lesson learned from that moment carries into Chaviva's work today with parents of disabled children.

"That was a cry that expressed so much," she explains. "Today, when I counsel parents of children with special needs and the people at social services, I say the way to identify a child who is not being cared for properly is the inability to cry.

"A child who realizes that crying will not help him — he doesn't cry. And that is the worst situation." Chaviva returns to that moment with Liat's first bout of crying: "The cries of the baby conveyed to me that she feels our love. And at that moment, I joined in her crying, and together we both cried and cried. Amid all that, I telephoned my husband and sobbed, 'Mazal tov — a daughter has been born to us'."

Now that their new daughter realized that she had someone to whom she could cry and be answered, everyone knew that the adoption had been finalized on "both" sides. They'd accepted & loved her as a true daughter — and now the little girl finally felt that love & acceptance that herself.

That Shabbat, Chaviva & Tzvi Moshe organized a big kiddush in the shul in honor of the new reality: This little girl was truly their daughter now.

In fact, Liat hadn't been her name; she'd come to them named Yael.

But the rav of the shul told Chaviva that since Chaviva had turned into the baby's actual mother, then Chaviva should call the baby a name of her own choosing.

So together, Chaviva & Tzvi Moshe decided to call her "Liat" — a name that contains the words li ("for me") and at ("you").

As Mina explains the meaning, "You are one of us; you aren't alone."

Life Revolves around Liat

During that time of adjustment, Chaviva also gave birth to her eighth child, who eventually transitioned to the local daycare as Chaviva continued the full-time job of caring for Liat.

The family soon discovered that in addition to her blindness, Liat suffered developmental delays.

As Kiryat Arba lacked resources at that time, Chaviva sought what Liat needed in Yerushalayim.

She discovered a rehabilitation center associated with Bikur Cholim hospital for special-needs children.

So Chaviva woke up early each morning to prepare breakfast sandwiches for her other eight children, then made her way to the rehabilitation center.

The program finished in the afternoon, forcing Chaviva to return in the late afternoon.

In Israel, lunch is the main meal of the day and the Tzachor children were used to a hot dinner waiting for them when they arrived home from school.

As a solution, Chaviva hired a woman just to cook the children a hot & satisfying meal, but the children complained that they "didn't like the food."

"No problem," said their mother. "Then we'll start eating a hot meal in the evening hours."

And that's what they did.

Millennia Later, The Fruit Still Doesn't Fall Far from the Eshel Tree

When Liat turned 13, her parents sought to establish a village for special-needs religious teenagers, but they soon discovered that many parents felt reluctant about sending their children to Kiryat Arba — a place that still demands heightened security due to political tensions.

So the Tzachors decided to establish a center to assist special-needs children and their families.

They called it Neve Avraham in honor of the loving-kindness exemplified by Avraham Avinu.

Mina joined the venture and has worked there for 29 years so far.

Chaviva retired from running the center around the time her husband passed away, and Mina has been running it on her own ever since.

The center assists around 350 children a year and serves all the surrounding communities.

"Our motto," says Mina, "is to believe in every single one of the children and to know that the sky is the only limit."

Mina asserts that the proof of their method lies with Liat.

"In the merit that she lives with us, and always hears talking, laughing, and a natural life in which everyone is always hugging her endlessly and investing in her so much, she has mamesh progressed. Today, she's labelled as 'severely retarded' and not 'profoundly retarded' — and that is a significant difference."

Mina concludes, "We invest everything we have in every single one of the children at the center. And we are confident that with love and faith, everyone can develop beyond all expectations."

The Best Birthday Present in 78 Years

Chaviva never lost her hope for Liat's progress.

People around the Tzachor family felt bad for them and encouraged them to return Liat. "It's a mekach ta'ut," they remarked to Chaviva & Moshe Tzvi, referring to a situation in halacha in which making an acquisition under false pretenses nullifies that acquisition.

Another evaluation was given over like this: "Do neither of you understand that she's not only blind, but also retarded with severe disabilities?"

Needless to say, Chaviva & Tzvi Moshe refused to even consider returning Liat.

She was their daughter through and through.

Even today, with Liat unable to see, communicate, or even walk (she moves around the house on her knees), Chaviva holds on to the hope that Liat will still improve.

"The hope that Liat will advance still beats within me until today," says Chaviva. "I'm sure that the day will come when Liat will succeed in speaking and communicating with all of us. HaKadosh Baruch Hu is Great and He can do anything. I believe that every child needs one adult who will believe in him. It's true that Liat is already 44 years old, but as far as I'm concerned, she continues to be my little girl."

Hashem rewarded Chaviva for her emunah.

On Chaviva's 78th birthday, Liat said "Ima" (Mommy) for the first time.

Now Liat says it all the time & it's the first word on her lips when she wakes up in the morning.

Liat also says the name of her big sister: "Mina-Mina-Mina."

"The truth is," says Chaviva, "that in recent years — despite it seeming unreal and impossible — Liat is actually making progress. Since my husband passed away 4 years ago, I feel like he's functioning as a Heavenly resource. She shows us a lot more emotion, she hugs me all the time, and always wants to sit with me. She also really enjoys music. When we play songs by Avraham Fried, we see how she delighted she gets."

Why Did Hashem Create People with Such Severe Limitations?

When asked about everything she has been forced to give up for Liat, Chaviva acknowledges that since adopting Liat, they haven't lived according to the norms of society.

For example, when Liat was younger, Chaviva and Tzvi Moshe couldn't attend family simchas together because a responsible adult always needed to be with Liat. Instead, they took turns going to family simchas.

Even now, with her husband's passing making Chaviva Liat's sole caretaker, Chaviva doesn't feel like she's missing much by not living the social life of other women her age.

"When I don't feel good or something," says Chaviva, "my children come to my aid."

All the other children are married with families of their own. But they're still there for their mother and sister whenever needed.

Ultimately, Chaviva sums up her feelings and also illuminates the real purpose of disabled people in our world (and also shows why they shouldn't be aborted or discarded):

"It's not only that we help her," says Chaviva. "But it's also that she helps us and educates all of us. In her merit, I developed patience for all my children. In her merit, my children became more sensitive toward others. And in her merit, a center was established that helps so many children.

"I thank Hashem every single day that He sent her to us. And I hope that her life will continue to be good, relaxed, and happy."

This post is based on a Hebrew article on Hidabroot here:
https://www.hidabroot.org/article/1132258

Photo by silviarita--3142410

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There's Always a Handy Shortcut behind a "Perfect" Appearance

25/6/2020

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Appearances are definitely misleading.

But what's behind the appearance can be very helpful to know.

For instance, many "perfect" people cultivate handy secrets & clever shortcuts to fulfill their needs.

For example, years ago, a "perfect" friend of mine confided one of her shortcuts: She put the children to bed dressed for the next day.

Then she insisted I never tell anyone I heard it from her because she never wants anyone to know.

It never occurred to me to do such a thing, but once I heard it, I was hooked.

I'd get my kids showered and then put them in clean clothes. Sure, I made adjustments. For example, you needn't make your boys sleep in tzitzit and your girls sleep in tights.

And on hot nights, they could sleep without their shirt because it wouldn't take much time to put on their shirt the next morning.

This tip saved me so much stress on school mornings. I did it for years.

Having said that, most people don't like this suggestion.

It sounds weird. They tell me they could never do such a thing.

And I guess that's why my "perfect" friend insisted I never reveal my source.

Sure, it's not for everyone. Pajama pants are much more comfortable than regular pants, for example. So it depends on your child.

But many people simply don't like the idea.

Maybe it depends how many young children you need to get dressed in the morning in a short amount of time, with the pressure of the school transportation coming by a certain time.

Whatever you think of the idea (please remember, everything — the kids, the clothes, etc. — were CLEAN), it was my morning lifesaver during that phase.

Another time, I spent Shabbat in the American home of a family with 7 kids under the age of 10.

And it was perfectly spotless at all times.

I wondered how the young mother did it.

So I asked her.

And she said that part of it is that she puts away any mess immediately. Then she told me something surprising: If she doesn't have a place for something or if she doesn't have the time or energy to put it in the right place, she just tosses it in a closet or anywhere out of sight.

"Really?" I said. It sounded like those people who shove everything under the couch or throw it in laundry baskets when they hear guests are coming. That didn't seem like her at all.

"Yes," she explained nicely. "After all, it's not going to stay there forever, right? At some point, you go and find a place for it. Like, you see it in the closet or drawer and it bothers you, so eventually find a place for it."

Huh. That was a very interesting insight (which I'm not sure applies to everyone, but it was still a handy idea).

She also admitted that her children prefer to play on the main floor of the home, where their mommy is. Even though their basement was set up as a playroom with very appealing toys, the children (like most children) prefer playing where their mommy is. They might play in the basement playroom for 20 minutes, but she could never get them to make that their main play area.

So those are two examples of how "perfect" people don't do everything by the book.

Over the years, I've learned to ask people about their method when I see them excel in an area.

For example, I noticed that in one family, the siblings got along really well. It didn't matter boys or girls or what kind of personality or ages. Everyone was great friends with each other.

And the mother wasn't amazing in other areas, but in the area of sibling relationships, I figured she must be doing something right. So I asked her and she told me, and I did it too and it worked!...and for the life of me, I can't remember what it was.

(That is so weird & frustrating. But I did it for years.)

So whether a person seems overall "perfect" or whether the person simply excels in a particular area, they usually have some kind of secret or method that works for them and that you can benefit from too.

And they're usually happy to tell you. (It can even be a big compliment for them that you think so highly of whatever it is that they're doing.)

Because they know that without the secret of their success, they would suffer consequences they prefer to avoid.

And they don't want you suffering either.

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Chinuch & Parenting: How to Utilize Modern Experts & Advice, Plus Warning Signs to Beware of

15/6/2020

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Following on the heels of a previous post (A Little Bit about My Journey of Discovery from "Imitation" (albeit well-intentioned) Chinuch to Authentic Torah Chinuch), I wanted to share a bit more about utilizing modern experts & advice.

As much as a lot of the modern stuff has disappointed me, some of it is helpful.

As much we should be combing Chazal (like the Pele Yoetz, which discusses parenting throughout the book) for proper guidance, we can also receive ideas from people in our own times.

And even though a lot of child psychology is not as helpful or effective as proclaimed, there can be value in a particular method that has been observed and/or tried hundreds of times, and shown to work effectively in a particular situation.

Hashem sends messengers to help us out.

So if we read something or hear something that pops on the light bulb for us, then that is from Hashem, and it's probably meant to be utilized.

How so?

First of all, consider the source:

• Does the source have experience with your type of child?

For example: If the source's experience is primarily based on Girl World, and you need help with your boy, the source (whether written or verbal) is unlikely to help you.

In fact, it can even make you feel bad for no reason.

(Please note I did not say that such a source will NEVER help you. Maybe it will. But it's unlikely.)

If the source lacks experience with your situation, whether it's parenting as a widow or widower, or navigating child-rearing with joint-custody after a divorce, or dealing with a highly sensitive child or an ADHD-type child or a learning disabled child...the source is unlikely to be helpful if it lacks specific experience.

• Is the source able to understand & empathize?

Even if the source thinks that toddlers are bundles of cuteness & fun, the source should still be able to understand why some parents find that phase the most difficult.

If the source cannot relate to someone who isn't exactly like them, then you are VERY unlikely to receive the help you need.

In fact, such a source can even make you feel very bad about yourself for absolutely NO LEGITIMATE REASON.

This means you will go around feeling bad when you should actually feel good.

There is absolutely NO logical reason or benefit for an overall good parent who is sincerely trying to feel like he or she is a bad or a failure, or whatever.

It serves no purpose and is taka harmful.

• Does the source consider parents generally good or generally bad?

Throughout the Eighties & into the Nineties, secular child pop psychology assumed that parents would be terrible if they weren't told exactly what to do.

(If you convince parents they cannot function without your books & counseling sessions, that also helps you make a lot more money.)

Books & articles & talkshows gushed with personal stories of all sorts of abuse & insensitivity that normal people would never dream of doing.

(Or never do more than a handful of times throughout their entire parenting career; certainly not daily or weekly or even monthly.)

Unfortunately, many chinuch people in the frum community adopted this same style and engorged books, articles, and classes with very disturbing stories as a "warning" to parents about how bad this behavior is.

The problem with this approach is it assumes the parent NEEDS to hear this.

The implication is: If the parent doesn't hear this disturbing story of extremely disturbing & abusive behavior, then the parent will ALSO behave in this same abusive & disturbing way.

This is simply is not true for the vast majority of frum parents, who are idealistic and wish to do whatever is best for their child, no matter how difficult.

This idealism & dedication are especially true for new mothers fresh out of Beis Yaakov or a BT seminary.

There is no need to relate to them as if they possess some demon hidden deep inside & just waiting for them to have children so this demon can finally be released.

Muwahahahahahaha...!

Also, that is not the Jewish way to relate to each other.

The core neshamah is all good and we are also commanded to give the benefit of the doubt & assume the best about every Jew — even parents! — unless there is a solid reason not to.

Assuming the worst about a person is a non-Jewish attitude.

The Jewish way is to relate to people as if they mean well and are basically good, but maybe just need a hand in getting to where they need to be.

• Does the source make you feel bad about yourself as a person and/or parent?

As stated before on this blog, mothers who feel bad about themselves will NOT parent well.

So shaming or chastising the mother is usually a very harmful method.

(Disclaimer: There may be exceptions to this, but I believe those exceptions are rare. In general, making a mother feel bad or abnormal is very harmful to both her and her children.)

Even if they have good middot & good intentions, the yoke of self-loathing or despair is too heavy for them to carry AND still perform their essential tasks well.

Some mothers will hit or yell at their children if they feel bad. They'll say hurtful things they don't even mean.

Some will act neglectfully or distance themselves from their children, whether emotionally or physically (like immersing themselves in their career or social life or chessed activities or novels & magazines or social media). Their children will feel like they have a robot mother who's not really present.

Some will put on a big act and perform all the technical aspects quite well, including a big smile & a voice full of enthusiasm. But inside, she feels empty, bored, angry, or like she's dying inside.

While putting on a big act is excellent for those times when we aren't feeling well or if we're going through a grueling phase, it isn't ideal as a permanent state of parenting.

The children do sense that their mother doesn't really like them or doesn't really like her role as a mother, though they may not know how to articulate it or even what's wrong with the picture.

Also, even if a mother really is parenting poorly, making her feel bad DOES NOT HELP.

My favorite rebbetzin once emphasized how important it is not to shame or act judgmentally toward a mother behaving abusively (whether your neighbor or someone you see in the street).

She said, "If you yell at her or rebuke her in some way, she's very likely to wait until she gets home and then REALLY give it to her kid. She'll blame her child for your disapproval."

In other words, if you really care about the child, you will not make the mother feel bad.

She advised doing something to break the moment, like just going up to her and giving a nice (not condescending or mocking) smile and saying "Hi!" even if you both are total strangers.

If it's a neighbor, you can knock on the door and ask to borrow a cup of sugar or say, "I just finished reading this book and I thought it's something you would really like too. Would you like to borrow it?"

Act like you didn't hear anything at all.

If someone is caught up in a temper, just distracting them with something like the above can be enough to break them out of it. When they turn back to their child, the same fire is simply no longer there.

Sometimes, a sincere & wholly non-judgmental offer of help works wonders.

It's impossible to offer hard-and-fast tips because so much depends on the individual dynamics and what you're capable of yourself, so how you should respond really depends.

But the main point is that even with a dysfunctional mother, making her feel bad about her dysfunctional behavior will make her behave even worse.

(Also, it could be that the dysfunctional behavior is a temporary response to a stressful situation and she KNOWS she's failing & WANTS to behave better, so by you avoiding condemnations and either assisting her or breaking the harsh moment, you are doing something she appreciates, which will also help her get back on keel.)

Another illustration of how making dysfunctional mothers feel bad backfires:

A non-frum friend of mine grew up with parents who regularly hit her and her siblings. When a siblings behavior at school initiated a recommendation for family counseling, her parents acquiesced (maybe they had no choice?) and attending counseling sessions for several months.

My friend remembers that the physical abuse and the extreme fury stopped, but her parents never became nurturing people.

For example, even when my friend told her mother she loved her, she said her mother never even lifted her eyes from the romance novel she was reading as she replied, "Go away."

So by age 11, my friend learned not to praise or show her mother affection because it only led to rejection.

Later, her mother said, "Oh, we attended therapy when you kids were little, but it never really helped."

"Oh yes it did!" said my friend to me after reporting her mother's comment. "I'm VERY grateful the hitting stopped. I lived in such fear & dread of being hit. At school, I was very shy and fearful and thought that being good meant to be as quiet & unnoticeable as possible. With rare exceptions, the idea of being assertive terrified me and I was sometimes a target for bullying, which I found unendurable. But I was able to overcome a lot of that fear & shyness on my own later."

So making the mother feel bad stopped the physical abuse, but the mother simply switched to emotional neglect instead (because she felt ashamed of having been "caught" and judged unfavorable, and lacked the ratzon to improve).

The point is that you can't really help people who aren't interested in being helped.

In order for be able people to be able to change for the better, they first need to WANT to be better. They need to WANT to be good.

If they don't want this, then you cannot help them.

But you can at least not make them feel bad, even if they are kind of bad.

If they feel bad about themselves, they will simply take it out on their children, whether via active abuse or neglect of some sort.

Okay, yeah, they're doing it anyway. But you don't need to make it worse.

And all the more so, making a good & dedicated mother feel bad?

What on earth is the point?

In conclusion, a chinuch source that makes mothers feel bad is generally no good, no matter how highly recommended.

• Does the source use cult tactics to get you to parent according to their method?

(Note: I have never encountered a chinuch person who INTENTIONALLY used cult tactics. They seem to have no idea. They give the impression more that they feel very passionately about their method and truly feel that one step in the wrong direction will ruin everything. However, these tactics are still inappropriate.)

This connects to the above idea because cults operate by making people feel bad, and then offering themselves as the solution & salvation.

So a chinuch teacher or method that makes you feel like, without them, you will be abusive and/or your child will end up off the derech is some way?

In other words, "My way is the ONLY way...OR ELSE!"

That's a cult tactic.

Hashem is intimately involved and they cannot make such statements.

Some of our Gadolim had parents who weren't up to par. You don't hear about it so much because it's lashon hara, but when you read biographies, you come across vague indications of it.

In fact, one who became a tremendous tzaddik and extremely loving person sounded like he didn't have such nurturing parents.

There is another man that Rav Avigdor Miller mentions in his lectures whom Rav Miller describes as incredibly sweet with beautiful middot, and this man endured terrifying beatings from his father.

Other parents are very good, yet they have at least one child who goes off the derech in some way.

So while proper chinuch is vitally important, it isn't the only factor in who the child will become later.

Playing on a parent's fear to get them to conform is a cult tactic.

If the chinuch teacher explains the necessity of a particular aspect of his or her method by telling a scary story of what happened when a good parent simply did not carry out ONE aspect and saying that IS the reason why, then that is a cult tactic.

There were no other influencing factors? The loving parents did EVERYTHING ELSE right but lacked this ONE thing, and that ruined everything?

Believe me, you're going to get more than just ONE thing wrong in your parenting.

ONLY HASHEM IS PERFECT.

Also, Hashem is running things. Probably He had a reason why things turned out as they did.

So if you're made to feel that if you make one false step, you'll ruin everything, then that induces fear & dependence, and it's a cult tactic.

Manipulating parents to conform is a cult tactic.

For example, let's say the chinuch expert declares you must do this-and-such EVERY day OR ELSE...and then when you fail, the chinuch expert says, "Oh, that's okay. Doing it 3 or 4 times a week still works. I just wanted you to think you needed to do it every day just to make sure you'll DO it at least 3 or 4 times a week."

That's manipulating the parent's behavior.

It's wrong to manipulate people like that.

Each person has his or her own God-given bechirah and it's harmful to steal it away like that.

Furthermore, if the mother never knows that 3 or 4 times a week is actually okay, every time she does it "only" 3-6 times a week, she will feel bad. She'll feel like she's failing her child.

As stated above, feeling bad/despairing/failing actually harms a mother's parenting.

Shaming for very normal feelings or actions is a cult tactic.

If a mother with 4 kids under the age of 5 expresses feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or unable to carry out all the expectations she has of herself, why look at her as if she just sprouted a big hairy wart on her forehead and then say, "Well, yeah, of course! That's just how it is!"

When I witnessed this interaction in a class, part of the reason I felt so stunned was because I admired the young mother for even trying to do all that she did.

Another reason why the teacher's response was so shocking is because when you have little kids that close together, it means you are usually either pregnant (with all the hindrances that entails) or recovering from birth and probably not sleeping through the night because by the time you trained one to sleep through the night, you either have another baby or one on the way.

That's very demanding. So why can't the mother say she's frustrated at not being able to carry out her self-imposed tasks in the way that's more convenient for her?

Also, in response to the teacher's dismissive reply, the young mother's entire body sagged and she looked so defeated.

But why?! She was doing such a good job! Why make her feel like she's not?

!!!!

Finally, the above interaction happened in a group. Why put down the mother publicly? Is that even halachically allowed?

And that is what cults use too:

Public humiliation is another cult tactic.

Anyway...

On the more positive side: Because these people don't mean to use cult tactics, these chinuch classes aren't really cults.

For example, I never ran into a chinuch teacher or course that displayed other classic cult aspects, such as constantly manipulating you into giving them money (beyond the standard affordable monthly fee), or acting as a front for illegal activities, or encouraging other members to sever ties with you when you leave the group, or isolate you from the outside world, and so on.

But cult tactics are always based on a lack of emuna.

In short:

If a person believes in Hashem and know that Hashem is running everything perfectly without you (and that you are a shaliach, but not more than that), then you won't:

feel the need to manipulate followers/attendees/readers/members to do what you want
feel like your way is the only/best way, regardless of other situations & personalities & capabilities
feel the need to instill fear in order to elicit obedience
feel threatened by normal feelings or responses, and thus feel compelled to shame them for these normal feelings or responses

With occasional exceptions, if you follow Hashem's halacha, you will not:

judge your followers/attendees/readers/members l'kaf chovah (unfavorably)
publicly humiliate or shame them
respond to them with anger & angry or hurtful words

Again, no one is perfect and we all stumble in the above at times.

But if a chinuch provider is regularly doing the above, then it is certainly not chinuch based on authentic Torah hashkafah.

A Little Bit More about Shaming, Condemnation, and Criticism

In my chinuch class, one woman was married to an "idiot savant" type.

Despite his intellectual brilliance, he constantly behaved inappropriately and did not seem to understand how inappropriate his behavior was.

They ended up divorcing when their children were still young (and she happily remarried later).

Another had a dysfunctional husband, and had received a not-so-ideal upbringing herself. Neither her parents nor parents-in-law were supportive people. She felt innately defective from a young age, and that feeling never left her.

Another possessed terrific middot and also had a fantastic husband, whom she described as a diamond, but her own upbringing was pretty dysfunctional. Her in-laws demanded high material standards (fortunately, they did not live close by) and her parents and a couple of her siblings were quick to criticize anything they didn't approve of her child-rearing methods (despite the fact that she was a MUCH better parent than all of them).

And others, of course, had very good situations over all.

Some came from a secular background and simply wished to learn how to raised children in a Torah way. Others came from frum backgrounds, but wished to learn how to deal with the challenges of raising a frum family in this generation.

The point of mentioned the above is that when you are teaching parenting, you face a whole smorgasbord of situations in your audience.

If you're going to shame, chastise, criticize, or in any way make a mother feel bad about herself, you may push her over the edge if she is already feeling bad about herself because she struggles against her own problematic upbringing and her husband and/or parents/in-laws are already yelling at her and cutting her down.

Or because she is already overwhelmed with dealing with problems in her home life (including health issues, financial problems, a special needs child, etc.).

You can break such a person.

And if you don't care about the mother, think of the children who are being parented by a crushed mother (in addition to any other problems going on).

So building up people and focusing on their good points, what they're doing RIGHT, is a very important aspect of helping others. (This idea is straight from Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, a big chassidic tzaddik from the past generation.)

A chinuch teacher must be aware of this. I do not understand why so many were not & why some still are not aware.

Stopping the Madness

Several incidents led to me breaking away from a particular chinuch course.

The final wake-up-call was when I wanted to discuss with my rebbetzin my "failure" to parent properly (according to the method of the course).

I poured out how hard I was trying yet how I felt that I was falling further & further behind.

She listened thoughtfully (and with increasing concern), then said, "I don't know exactly how to say this and I don't mean to interfere in your decisions, but...are you sure this course is good for you?"

"What do you mean?" I said, shocked. After all, this course was teaching me the Torah way of raising children! (Which I was increasingly failing to do, for some reason I couldn't fathom...must be because I was innately defective, I guessed...)

Very hesitantly and with sincere concern, she said, "Well, it's just that it seems to be making you feel bad."

It's like she was speaking a foreign language.

Feel? What do feelings have to do with following a rabbinically endorsed chinuch method? Ours is not to feel good, ours is to do or die!

So I expressed my bewilderment at her statement.

After all, if I'm not parenting properly, why should I feel good? I'm NOT being "good," I'm not doing things "right," so why should I feel good?

Also, aren't we supposed to do things whether we like them or not? After all, I really dislike checking for bugs & worms in food; I even dread doing it (because I'm not so into slow, nitpicky things like that), but I do it anyway because that's the halacha.

So why would this be different?

"Yeah," she said, "except that you sound like you feel BAD about YOURSELF. You're not supposed to feel bad about YOURSELF! Also, I KNOW you. You're a good person. You're a good mother. Why should you feel BAD?"

And it was like someone whisked off a blackout curtain that had been draped over my face.

I suddenly saw things clearly.

I was trying to be a good mother. And even if I wasn't up to par, as long as I was sincerely trying, why should I feel so bad about myself?

Why should I feel like such a failure?

Why should I feel defeated and hopeless and like my children have no chance of turning out well simply because I cannot juggle bowling balls while jumping through all the sky-high hoops the teacher set for us?

And so I quit.

A Final List of the Suggested Questions & Warning Signs

To recap, here are questions to ask yourself:

Does the source have experience with your type of child?
Is the source able to understand & empathize?
Does the source consider parents generally good or generally bad?
Does the source make you feel bad about yourself as a person and/or parent?
Does the source use cult tactics to get you to parent according to their method?

The answers to the above should be:

Yes.
Yes.
Generally good.
No.
No.

Warning Signs

Answering the above questions negatively:

No.
No.
Generally bad.
Yes.
Yes.

And beware of the following cult tactics (even if they're carried out unintentionally):

Creating the impression that their method is the ONLY way (when it's not halacha)
Inducing dependency on the expert or shitah
Inducing fear
Playing on the parent's fears

Shaming for very normal feelings & actions
Public humiliation (even in a minor way)

The above includes articles & books, not just classes or consultations.

Here's How to Handle Chinuch Problems in a Helpful Way

This post has been a somewhat negative what-NOT-to-do article, so I'd like to end with a positive here's-what-you-can-do-instead! message.

One of my children is an enneagram Six, which is one of the most complex personality types.

They possess many wonderful innate qualities, but they also struggle with anxiety & insecurity, which makes them a bundle of contradictions.

For example, if they feel under attack or as if they MIGHT be attacked, they sometimes decide that the best defense is a good offense, and they come out swinging with all their might while shooting from both hips.

But all that aggression emanates from fear.

Their aggression isn't bold or independent in the way that another type of aggression is.

(You can read more about the Six personality type here.)

They can also go hot, then cold, then hot again, then lukewarm, then...you get the picture.

A lot of standard techniques backfire with them.

For example, there is a really lovely frum book about unconditional love toward one's child. The mother in the book repeats to her misbehaving child that even though she doesn't always love his behavior, she always loves HIM deeply & completely.

Doesn't that sound nice?

Ironically, this lovely idea propelled my then 4-year-old son into a state of anxiety.

He did not even want to hear this statement. Throughout the days, he sought reassurance by repeatedly asking, "Right, you also love my behavior?"

What am I supposed to say? I don't always love his behavior, nor do I think I should love all his behaviors. But he really needs the reassurance that I do!

To his psyche, loving HIM isn't nearly enough.

So all this makes this type more-complicated-than-average to raise.

You need to read their mind and constantly try to see what's going on beneath the surface of their external behavior.

Anyway, I know I'm not so competent at dealing with this type, and I was having difficulties (especially at bedtime) with this child, who was four at the time.

He couldn't tolerate any disapproval from me, not even a facial expression, but often resisted the bedtime routine (brushing teeth, getting into bed, going to sleep) with every fiber of his being, even if he was tired.

And even something as small as a stern look from me elicited a volatile response.

Then Hashem had me remember that Miriam Adahan's book Awareness has tips for dealing with this type of child.

So I opened to the appropriate chapter (Type Six, Part II, For Parents, page 284) and saw that first of all, the author addresses loving parents and reassures them that they shouldn't blame themselves if they see this insecure, demanding behavior in a child.

That's a good sign right there.

She assumes her reader is a loving parent (although she acknowledges that not all parents are) and immediately brushes away the blame game.

Then she explains why a common emotional parental response does not work with this child, and also offers a variety of alternatives, explaining why they do work.

This allowed me to use my God-given bechirah to analyze if & how this applied to my situation. (It does.)

What jumped out at me was the advice to hold the child in a comforting embrace davka when the child is being obnoxious.

This is not my innate style (I'm more straight-forward & oppose "rewarding" bad behavior) nor is it anywhere in my upbringing.

But based on the author's explanation (which made a lot of sense), I decided to give it a try.

Also, when the book explained why this method works, it was not accompanied by the fear-inducing cult tactics I encountered in the chinuch course (i.e., the book did NOT say something like: "You MUST do this because once upon a time, there was a mother who did not hug her obnoxiously behaving child when he was behaving obnoxiously and he went on to become a serial killer — all because she did not hug him while he was obnoxious.")

And she didn't try to pass off the suggestion as "the authentic Torah way" (although maybe our heilige ancestors did indeed do it); the suggestion was clearly based on her own experience and/or research.

The point is that she had experience with this method & saw that it really did work for this specific dynamic.

So at bedtime, there we were in what had become our usual bedtime formation:

Me sitting at the foot of the bed and him stomping on his pillow while swinging the other leg over the headboard and shouting at me that he doesn't love me and other unfavorable opinions of what kind of mother he thinks I am.

So even though it is not my inclination to respond in the following way, I went according to the book and said something like, "Even if you don't love me, even if you hate me, I still love very much and I always will no matter what."

(I couldn't hold him because he was too far away and too volatile for me to hug.)

But those words immediately soothed him down.

He looked taken aback, then he smiled and said, "I don't hate you!"

Then he came closer and I could finally hold him and repeat that I love him no matter what, even if he doesn't love me.

Within seconds, a fierce & angry bear had softened into a loving, affectionate, accommodating kitten.

We only needed to go through this maybe once or twice more before the freak-out behavior stopped. He can still be difficult at bedtime (mostly because, like most children, he doesn't want to go to bed), but he no longer goes berserk.

And it even paved the way for his own free expression of affection.

After this, he started initiating hugs throughout the day and telling me he loved me very much.

In fact, when we sat together at a bus stop and another lady asked me about the route of a particular bus, this same son suddenly pulled himself into standing on the bench, lunged at my head & wrapped his arms around my head (nearly knocking me over and also forcing me to hold on to my hair-covering for dear life) and said, "What a lovely mother (ima chamoodah) you are! How much I LOVE you!"

This was both embarrassing & gratifying, but the lady just seemed amused.

The Goal isn't Perfection, But to Meet the Challenges in the Way Hashem Wants

So...I obviously do not know everything and still need help and guidance, especially in dealing with any child who is very different than me.

And that's normal.

The situation was set up in exactly this way by HASHEM Himself.

As mentioned in the previous post, the Pele Yoetz sets up certain guidelines for parenting, but even so, he still leaves a lot up to the reader's own discernment because as the Pele Yoetz outright acknowledges, situations & dynamics vary so much from one to the other, it's impossible to offer detailed concrete advice to a general audience.

So yeah, for specific situations, I need to look outside myself for the answer because I simply don't have it.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

Sometimes I ask Hashem.

Other times, I head toward a book or article that I feel holds the answer.

I won't consult with an actual person at this point because I've been burned too many times doing that, but reading, davening, inquiring of Hashem seem to meet my needs just fine.

It doesn't mean that things are perfect; Hashem always sends us challenges & different forms of tzaar gidul banim.

But it just means that I'm more likely to meet my challenges in the way that Hashem wants me to.

For more on this topic, please see:

A User's Guide to Chinuch Advisers and Classes

How Turning to Torah Can Help Us Sift through A Lot of Confusion to Find the Right Path (with a special emphasis on chinuch)

A Little Bit about My Journey of Discovery from "Imitation" (albeit well-intentioned) Chinuch to Authentic Torah Chinuch

Note #1: I purposely blurred details of negative experiences because I don't want any particular person identified. The purpose of this post isn't to malign a specific person. And for all I know, the authors or teachers have come to regret the above-mentioned approach & tactics. After all, I sure wouldn't want anyone judging me on something I said or wrote 20 years ago!

What if they completely regret some of the things they said or wrote, and wish they'd never even thought such things?

People change over time.

Note #2: Everything really is from Hashem and as much as the previously mentioned methods & tactics hurt both me & my children, the positive outcome has been that I've become zealous about giving regular people chizuk and build them up by focusing on their good points and what they're doing right, and especially to give chizuk and accolades to young mothers new to parenting.

Why?

Because I learned on my own cheshbon how detrimental is the opposite.

So that's a positive outcome of the pain & confusion.

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A Little Bit about My Journey of Discovery from "Imitation" (albeit well-intentioned) Chinuch to Authentic Torah Chinuch

14/6/2020

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When my 2 oldest boys were much younger (like ages 5 & 6, maybe?), I took them to visit a friend on Shabbos night until the men came home from davening.

This friend is one of those super-efficient super-competent types. Upon our arrival, she immediately showed my sons a toy she was sure they'd enjoy.

And they did.

Having never seen this particular toy before, they weren't sure how to use it. But they were pretty good at figuring out stuff & enjoyed figuring out stuff together, so I knew that would occupy them nicely & appreciated her thoughtfulness.

Then my friend noticed they were unfamiliar with the toy and immediately got down on the floor with them to show how it worked.

She did so with a lot of friendly confidence, enabling each boy to have a turn and see how to do it himself.

According to the "textbook" approach, everything she did was exactly right.

Except that one of my boys (the one most like me) found it overwhelming.

For him, her proximity was too close, her face leaning down to smile at him was too much in his face, and her approach of showing him how to do it then intently watching him do it himself, and even her enthusiastic right-in-his-face "Great! You did a great job with that — what a smart boy!" was all too overwhelming.

He got that turtle-trying-to-huddle-into-his-shell posture while looking at her with wide eyes that clearly said "This is such a nice friendly lady — why is she digging so hard into my kishkes?"

Wholeheartedly identifying with him, yet not wanting to hurt my friend (because she was going out of her way to be so considerate of them & it's not her fault she can't read minds), I gently maneuvered him up to sit with me on the sofa and he looked much relieved.

"What's wrong?" my friend chirped, genuinely surprised as she leaned way too close to his face again. "It's okay if you didn't get it the first time! You were doing really well! Do you want to try it again? Do you want me to do it with you? C'mon, don't feel bad — I'll do it with you!"

I put a gentle, yet protective arm around my son who was again looking at her like he couldn't believe that such a nice friendly lady was totally frying out all his sensory nodes, and nicely explained to her that he was genuinely happy observing.

That wasn't completely true, of course.

The truth is that he was genuinely happy figuring out the toy with his not-much-older brother and would've been perfectly happy doing that.

But now that the dynamic had changed, he felt much better sitting next to his mommy and observing the goings-on from the sofa.

Then she leaned a little too close (for his individual liking) and said, "You want to just watch? Are you sure? Well, that's okay! If you feel more comfortable just watching, then that's totally fine! But whenever you feel like coming down on the floor to play again, that's fine too!"

I found the whole thing amusing because she was being so helpful & accepting, but had no clue that for what they now call "a highly sensitive personality," her approach wasn't innately wrong or bad, but simply too overwhelming.

Like I said, I'm like this too, so I very much understood my son, but I also understood that my friend was totally innocent because highly sensitive children need telepathy in order to really meet their needs, and you simply can't win every single time.

My friend WAS being sensitive to his needs — just not in the way he truly needed.

So I made a mental note to speak with him later so that he'd feel normal & also understand more about people who can't read his mind so that he'll learn how to deal with such situations in the future.

What intrigued me, however, was the response of my other son: It was the exact opposite.

He LOVED her approach. He thrived on it.

He automatically moved close to her and got so close that he nearly melded with her.

He came alive and responded her remarks, asked her questions, and performed all the little maneuvers, thriving on all the attention and the positive response from her.

He was glowing.

When she needed to get up to attend to her own children, his body sagged in disappointment. He'd enjoyed the whole interplay with her so much.

When her husband came home from shul, it was hard to get my older son to leave and then he immediately wanted to know when he could come back again.

Attuning to a Different Psyche: Lesson Learned

Despite the fact that, of course, I knew that different children possess different natures and need to be dealt with accordingly, the above situation proved an eye-opening experience.

For example, I knew that some kids love sports and some kids hate sports.

Some kids are bookworms and some kids can't even finish a comic book.

And so on and on and on.

But it simply hadn't occurred to me that what I always perceived as an "invasive" approach that made me (and my second son, apparently) feel intensely uncomfortable would not only be so desirable to my older son, but be exactly what he needs to make him come alive & thrive!

That's a VERY big difference in approach.

As we walked home that same Shabbat, I asked my older son how he liked my friend's interaction with him and why.

He was very enthusiastic about her and answered my questions as best he could. (He was very young, so I didn't expect much insight, but was happy with whatever I could get out of him because it was a learning experience for me too.)

At that point, I resolved to interact more with him in a way that felt unnatural to me because I saw that his innate nature really needed this type of highly involved interaction.

So I resolved to try harder to interact with him in a way that "gets into his kishkes" — which is what that feels like for me — because for him, it feels very caring & speaks to his deepest nature.

Some Handy Info regarding the Type Eight Personality

For those familiar with the Enneagram and the way to relate to the Type Eight child's personality (my older son's personality, which thrived on the intensely involved interaction), his response is no surprise.

For those unfamiliar with the Enneagram, Type Eights are the most stereotypically masculine type (including female Eights). And I mean that in a positive way. They're very independent, capable, savvy, decisive, assertive types who are not particularly fearful or insecure. They like to get things moving in life, whether in work or play.

You find these types a lot in the police, fire brigade, combat units, rescue units, competitive sports, leadership or managerial positions, and so on. A lot of businessmen & women are also Eights.

While talking about how to best raise an Eight child is a entire post in itself, let's just say that for them, consistency IS love. They don't differentiate between consistency & love...which means that a parent must be consistent at all times.

This means sticking to the rules & standards of the home.

It means being involved with them and always aware of where they are and what they're doing. (Admittedly, easier said than done.)

It also means being emotionally consistent (i.e., you the parent aren't ever too angry or too perky or too this or too that — as far as emotional expression goes, you are even-keeled). And yes, it's a massive challenge for those of us with very emotional natures.

You can learn more about this personality type here: Type Eight — The Enneagram Institute.

There is No-One-Size-Fits-All in Chinuch. There isn't Even 3-Sizes-Fit-All in Chinuch.

Anyway, I was taking a chinuch course at that time, and the above situation was my first inkling that the very idea of "one general method" applicable to all children cannot be correct.

And therefore, it cannot be effective.

Having said that, yes, of course, chinuch teachers acknowledge that there are different types of personalities. The course I attended back then also did (kind of), and even offered (superficial) tips for dealing with this or that personality.

The problem is it still lacked a lot of insight and depth necessary to relate to EACH child properly.

And the course only entertained one or two personality types outside the "norm" (which doesn't really exist either).

And when the general methods either did NOT work on my child — or even worse, when they backfired and MADE LIFE WORSE, there was no chinuch book or consultant who helped me.

In fact, speaking privately with the chinuch teacher (when I could get a hold of the teacher) not only did not help, but made things worse — including make me feel worse about myself.

Ultimately, reading Miriam Adahan's book on the Enneagram (Awareness: The Key to Acceptance, Forgiveness, and Growth) and then intense study of the Enneagram via Riso & Hudson's Enneagram books helped me identify & understand my son's psyche.

That, combined with listening to adult Eights describe their experiences as children, plus my own observations of what worked with them and what did not, enabled the formulation of a personalized method for dealing with the Eight personality.

But by then, he was eleven and it was almost too late.

He'd been raised mostly wrong for his nature.

Now please don't misunderstand.

I really love him and he loves me too.

I really like how he has turned out, but I also see where I failed him.

I feel bad where I didn't parent him according to HIS needs — according to his particular and valuable psyche.

Type Eight is a great personality. These people are valuable assets to the world.

But it takes both savvy & resolve to raise them right.

I'm also resentful (yes — even after all these years!) of the "experts" who gave me such harmful advice AND made me feel bad about myself as a person & a mother in the process.

Intellectually, I know I shouldn't be resentful. After all, they meant well and anyway, it was all from Hashem for my own good.

In a nutshell, it's much easier to do teshuvah for your own wrong thinking & wrong actions.

At the same time, it is significantly more challenging to do teshuvah over ANOTHER PERSON'S wrong thinking & wrong actions (which is what following bad advice actually is).

Why It's So Important to be Nice & Supportive toward New Mothers of Young Children

Furthermore, young mothers tend to be very vulnerable because they are so young & overwhelmed with all their tasks, yet also very idealistic & impressionable & willing to do anything for their family.

So that combination makes them very vulnerable.

And their youth & inexperience & idealistic desperation to do anything for their children makes it easy to convince them to do the wrong thing (for their situation).

And their youth & inexperience & impressionability also makes it easy to make them feel bad about themselves.

And from personal observation & experience, I promise you that a mother CANNOT parent well if she feels bad about HERSELF.

It doesn't matter what personality she has or how good her middot are.

I've seen this again and again and again: As long as the mother feels bad about HERSELF, she will not be able to parent her children properly.

Too much emotional energy gets sucked into just keeping her head above water while she's lugging these negative feelings around.

I understand the good intentions behind the not-so-good methods of a lot of chinuch people.

Also, whether we're teachers or parents, we're bound to make mistakes and miss important cues no matter how hard we try and how good our intentions are.

That's all normal. Only Hashem is perfect.

But I still do not understand making mothers feel bad about themselves or making them feel like there's something wrong with them for things like...feeling overwhelmed about very normal aspects mothering.

And stuff like that.

Some Gems from an Authentic Torah Source You Can Trust: The Pele Yoetz

Ultimately, I started turning to Chazal for wisdom & guidance.

I wanted to see for myself if all the stuff people kept spouting (while claiming derivation from "authentic Torah sources!") was true.

After all, it sure wasn't working for me.

And it so closely resembled the pop psych I'd read as a teenager, plus psychology and sociology classes I'd taken in college. It surprised to me to constantly encounter those secular Western methods and ideas in the frum world being touted as authentic Torah hashkafah.

And when I started reading Chazal, I discovered that their methods & claims simply were not true after all. (They weren't lying per se, but getting caught up in what they believed were good ideas and then finagled Torah sources to fit their philosophies.)

You can read another example of that type of thing here: Seeking Advice. Please scroll down to the section titled: The Explosion of Learning Secular Psychology Amongst Torah Jews.

And just to be clear: I don't think it's automatically bad to use studies and the observations of psychologists.

I use them myself sometimes.

For example, if someone observed a pattern in 1000 similar situations, then that person's observations probably contain some helpful information.

But people shouldn't receive the impression it's from authentic Torah thought or an authentic Torah tradition. It's actually from a 20-year study or Dr. Spock or The Dance of Anger or I'm Okay—You're Okay, John Bradshaw or 5 Love Languages, or an article by a frum psychologist in a frum magazine...and NOT from King Shlomo's Mishlei or Rav Dessler or a Jewish grandmother's actual massoret (chain of tradition).

(The truth is, sometimes I think that they themselves did not realize what their actual source was. These things can get mixed together in one's mind. So again, it's good intentions with not such a good result.)

The truth is that I'm more resentful of making mother feel really bad & despairing than I am of the actual bad advice because the advice was given in good faith, but as for the accompanying attitude...?

At one point, I discovered the Pele Yoetz by Rav Eliezer Papo and when he spoke about child-rearing, he spoke about raising a child according to the individuality of EACH child.

In fact, that WAS his general advice!

Here it is in the chapter Ahavat Habanim v'habanot/Love of the Sons & the Daughters:

...hakol l'fi mah sheh hu haben...

...everything according to whatever is the child...

*

Haklal hu: l'fi daato u'middotav shel ben, ha'av tzarich l'hitnaheg imo b'ofen sheh lo yecheta.

The rule is — according to the mind and character of a child: The father needs to behave with him in a way that he [the child] won't sin.

So that's the primary goal right there, and everything you do with your child needs to maintain this goal in mind.

And goal is to prevent the child from sinning.

AND you need to do it according to EACH child's INDIVIDUAL daat & middot.

When Rav Papo declares something to be "the rule," it should really make us stand up and take notice.

So there we go.

Throughout the book, Rav Papo says that raising a child to prevent him or her from sinning requires fluidity:

Sometimes you need to speak to a child and sometimes you need to remain silent.

Sometimes you need to show a child that you noticed what he or she did, and other times, it's best to pretend you are deaf, blind, and mute.

Sometimes you need to be strict with your child, but sometimes you should nullify your will before the child's will.

That's what he says.

It depends all on what's best for THAT INDIVIDUAL CHILD, according that child's INDIVIDUAL AGE, and his or her INDIVIDUAL MIND, and his or her INDIVIDUAL PERSONALITY QUALITIES.

That's what he says in the book. Literally:

"shanav (his years, i.e. his age)"
"middotav (his qualities, his personality traits")
"daato (his mind)"

He repeats these principles throughout the book.

When I was learning chinuch, the chinuch teachers would SAY they were doing the above, but then not really do it.

For example, a chinuch teacher might make a rule about 5-year-olds.

On one hand, that's good.

They're taking his age (shanav) into account.

On the other hand, not all 5-year-olds are the same.

Different 5-year-olds have different daat & middot.

So you can't generally say "Do this-and-such" with 5-year-old without taking into account "daato" and "middotav."

This is also true for obstinate children, rebellious children, hyper children, emotional children, and so on.

Not all obstinate children are obstinate for the same reason — ditto with rebellious or hyper or emotional children. (Or any other type.)

Shanav, middotav, daato.

Obstinate children, rebellious children, etc. are not clones of each other. Believe me.

Also, boys & girls are different. I'm not talking about easier or harder.

Different.

Meaning, what works for your female chinuch teacher in her class of first-grade girls or ninth-grade girls or what works for her mostly girl family and her sons interspersed among sisters (as opposed to having other boys near his age) will most likely NOT work for your boy-only family when you have 4 of them under the age of 7 and the oldest is a Type Eight.

Seriously.

Rav Papo also emphasized that a parent's love of his or her children MUST emanate from a love of Hashem.

Do they ever discuss loving Hashem in a chinuch class or a chinuch book?

Not that I ever heard. Your experience may be different. (To be fair, I mostly do not read much modern chinuch, except for regularly reading Rav Avigdor Miller and also Rav Shimon Gruen's newsletter, both of which I benefit from a lot, and other material I come across...IF I consciously decide it might be helpful. In the interest of full disclosure, I also receive Dr. John Rosemond's monthly newsletter, but that is more for the purposes of entertainment and/or gratification, plus to keep tabs on what's going on in the Western world of parenting.)

It could easily be that the chinuch people did not even know that love of children should emanate from love of Hashem.

It could be an honest mistake because if they never read Pele Yoetz, then how would they know?

Or it could be that they both knew & mentioned this in their classes & books, but simply felt it more practical to focus on practical methods rather than the ideology.

Maybe chinuch people are emphasizing ahavat Hashem now as it relates to chinuch. I do not know. They weren't when I had young children, not in books and not in lectures.

But anyway, that's the basis for parental love — and the Pele Yoetz is an "authentic Torah source" you can count on.

Here is more about that from Ahavat Habanim V'habanot/Love of the Sons & the Daughters:

V'gam ahavah zo tzarich sheh tahei nimshechet m'ahavat haMakom...ki zeh kol pri habanim v'habanot sheh yiyu osim ratzon Koneihem...Lachen, zeh yiyeh kol magamato b'ahavat banav l'kayem mitzvat Boro la'asot nachat ruach l'Yotzro.

And also, this love needs to emanate from the love of God...because that is the entire fruit of sons and daughters, that they'll perform the will of their Creator...

Therefore, this should be one's entire focus in his love for his sons and daughters: to fulfill the mitzvah of one's Creator — to grant nachas ruach [spiritual gratification] to one's Creator.

KOL magamato — one's ENTIRE focus?

Rav Papo isn't mincing words here.

If your entire focus & goal of loving your children should be for them to produce nachat ruach for Hashem, then don't you think that should be discussed regularly in chinuch classes or books?

Meaning, maybe we should regularly praise our children by saying things like, "Good girl for doing netilat yadayim — you just made Hashem VERY happy!"

Most people say "good girl" (or "good boy"). But according to the Pele Yoetz, we need emphasize Hashem's Happiness with the action. (Actually, a lot of parents do emphasize Hashem's Happiness, by the way. That's great. But it apparently needs to be a major focus of chinuch classes. Maybe it is now. But it wasn't when I was in that phase.)

The other major emphasis of the Pele Yoetz is: parental tefillah.

He even wrote special prayers for parents to say over their children.

From the chapter Chinuch/Educating the Youth:

V'al hakol lishpoch nafsho lifnei Hashem sheh lo yiyu chatotav monim hatov mimeno, v'sheh yiyeh kol zaro zera kodesh kadoshim, zera anashim.

And over everything — to pour out one's soul before Hashem that one's sins won't prevent the good from coming to him and that all his seed [offspring] should be seed of the holy of holies, the seed of people.

By the way, the Pele Yoetz offers even more guidance throughout the book than what's noted here.

And also, in the interest of full disclosure, as mentioned above, I still read what modern chinuch experts say. I'm just much more discerning now & really limit it.

Whatever non-Chazal material I look at is read with the above principles in mind.

For example, if I see that an expert discusses an issue with which I'm struggling, I examine what they say about it and then act according to my own perception of their advice and my situation.

Meaning, sometimes I'll follow their advice to the letter; other times, I'll utilize their advice but make adjustments to fit my child & my situation.

And according to the Pele Yoetz, that's exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

Endnotes

Note #1:
To see the Pele Yoetz with your own eyes, please go to:
https://itorah.com/pele-yoetz

Find the chapter you wish to see.

Press on the arrow to hear a class by Rabbi Eli Mansour about that chapter or click on the 3 dots to the right of the chapter and choose whether you wish to read the chapter in the original Hebrew or in the English translation.

Note #2:
The above translations of the Pele Yoetz are my own, and therefore, any errors are also mine.

Note #3
Lately, I've been moving away from the Enneagram to learn the system frequently mentioned by Chazal, that of the 4 Elements (and also because, based on their last book, the non-Jewish proponents of the Enneagram seem to be drifting toward Eastern mysticism). But I'm grateful that Hashem sent me the Enneagram when I needed it & this post mostly refers to that time.

Note #4
Not everything in the chinuch classes & books was either ineffective or harmful. Some of it was genuinely helpful. But the helpful stuff (like how to potty-train) I either could've gotten from my Yerushalmi neighbors or figured out with a few minutes of focused thought and conversation with Hashem (like the importance of even a few minutes of one-on-one time with each child on a more-or-less daily basis).

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Question

Answer

The Mystery of the Segulah that Seemed Not to Work

We are Not the Religion of Cloning

It's All Cramped & Dark Stuffed Inside the Mommy-Mold

Clone-Enforcement is Rebellion against Hashem

Take a Walk on the Peculiar Side

The Jekyll-Hyde Mommy

The Shabbos Light "Disaster"

The Shape-Shifting Sabbath Hostess

I Sense a Feminist Dictatorship Here...

Flatbush-Jew Validation is Better Than Therapy

Unconditional Support Means Unconditional Blamelessness for All!

And We All Lived Happily Ever After...Kind of

Nice, Open-Minded, Progressive, Liberal Abuse

Focus on Healing the Core, But Don't Give Way to the Attacks Coming from Outside

Oh...You Guys Meant THAT Kind of Blind.

"With God's Help, No Baby will Ever Die in My Custody."

Chaviva Asserts Liat's Place in the Family

Mina's Struggle

A Baby in Despair

A Deeper Perspective on Crying

Life Revolves around Liat

Millennia Later, The Fruit Still Doesn't Fall Far from the Eshel Tree

The Best Birthday Present in 78 Years

Why Did Hashem Create People with Such Severe Limitations?

​• Does the source have experience with your type of child?

​• Is the source able to understand & empathize?

• Does the source consider parents generally good or generally bad?

​• Does the source make you feel bad about yourself as a person and/or parent?

• Does the source use cult tactics to get you to parent according to their method?

A Little Bit More about Shaming, Condemnation, and Criticism

Stopping the Madness

A Final List of the Suggested Questions & Warning Signs

Here's How to Handle Chinuch Problems in a Helpful Way

The Goal isn't Perfection, But to Meet the Challenges in the Way Hashem Wants

Attuning to a Different Psyche: Lesson Learned

Some Handy Info regarding the Type Eight Personality

There is No-One-Size-Fits-All in Chinuch. There isn't Even 3-Sizes-Fit-All in Chinuch.

Why It's So Important to be Nice & Supportive toward New Mothers of Young Children

Some Gems from an Authentic Torah Source You Can Trust: The Pele Yoetz

Endnotes

Myrtle Rising

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