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Growing up in secular liberal America, I always heard a lot about self-love. There was even a famous song, which declared that learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. (Shame on that songstress. As someone with a religious background, she should have known that learning to love God is the greatest love of all. But Hollywood corrupts everything. Oh well.) Self-love & self-esteem were supposed to go hand-in-hand to cultivate a positive self-image, thereby making you a better person. Yet as time went by, many “experts” realized that self-love did not actually lead to the good behavior they’d predicted. And many bad people (narcissists, for example) possess a falsely positive self-image and esteem themselves too highly. So “experts” started talking about self-compassion. That was better, but I still couldn’t help noticing that the concept of self-love (self-esteem, self-compassion, etc.) didn’t seem to exist within all the millennia of scholarship contained within Judaism. Yes, there is ONE passage commonly lifted out of Gates of Teshuvah to promote self-love & self-esteem. (Basically, it explains something like how low self-esteem can lead a person to compensate by puffing up himself with fake attributes and arrogance.) But it seemed that if self-love was an essential part of self-growth, Chazal would’ve mentioned it somewhere – and somewhere easily found. And no one ever quoted the Gemara about self-love. If self-love is essential to teshuvah, why isn’t it anywhere in the Gemara? That omission alone should tell us something. At the very least, in the entire book of Gates of Teshuvah, Rabbeinu Yonah should have mentioned it more than once if it was so important. It's the Well-Meaning Bull's-Eye Artists Once Again... Which came first? The target or the arrow? Gradually, the realization dawned on me that if it’s not mentioned in our core Jewish sources, then it is probably not a Jewish idea. Eventually, I chalked it all up to a common practice among many well-meaning frummies: They shoot their arrow and then draw a bull’s eye around the arrow so it looks like the arrow hit the target. Likewise, these very well-meaning people grab an idea from modern psychology and then search through Chazal until they find a verse that supports their treasured currently fashionable idea. They honestly don’t realize what they’re doing. And while such a method may help temporarily (if it didn’t help at all, it likely never would’ve made it into the annals of pop psychology), it ultimately will not do the job because it’s not completely true (if it’s true at all). Azamrah!Next, people pointed to Rebbe Nachman of Breslov’s famous idea that you need to find at least one merit in yourself, at least one good point. That’s still not self-love. It’s more along the lines of self-compassion & self-esteem & a positive self-image, but it’s still not the same idea as promoted in the non-Jewish world. Anyway, why did Rebbe Nachman so strongly push this idea? What’s the motive behind it? He pushed it because people who do a very sincere & deep cheshbon hanefesh come up with all kinds of unpleasant realizations about themselves. Even very good people end up discovering all sorts of not-so-pious motivations behind their acts of piety and chessed. (It’s exactly this kind of self-awareness that keeps our Gadolei Hador and our tzaddikim so humble, despite their genuinely elevated qualities and, in some cases, their global fame.) So the whole point of self-azamrah (finding at least one good quality in yourself) is to save the profoundly honest & relentlessly self-probing people from despair & emotional paralysis. Along these lines, it’s impossible to miss Breslov's constant encouragement to uncover your flaws before Hashem, pouring your heart out about them in hitbodedut in order to polish them. (In Words of Faith, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender emphisizes several examples of this.) Which, again, is the whole reason for the necessity of self-azamrah. I don’t know if you need to go digging around for at least one good point in yourself if you’re not doing some kind of cheshbon hanefesh. If you have no serious regrets and you feel pretty satisfied with yourself, then what is the point of self-azamrah? After all, you already see plenty of good points in yourself! In other words, Azamrah facilitates cheshbon hanefesh & teshuvah. That's its purpose. So really, self-azamrah is not the self-love or self-compassion promoted in pop psychology either. To see a classic short story from Rebbe Nachman describing the Azamrah process, please see: The Tzaddik Who Fell into Sadness What is the Torah's Definition of a Positive Self-Image? A positive self-image Torah-style means recognizing that your core self, your neshamah, is pristine and holy. Your job is to clean up the rest of you and actualize your pristine and holy core. We're Still Not Through Yet: Where is the Love?So while I came across nearly zero about self-love (or self-esteem), I did come across an enormous amount of Torah material promoting love for HASHEM. Ahavat Hashem/Love of God: THIS idea is just all over the place in Chazal. It’s in Tanach. It’s in every book on mussar or Chassidus. You can’t get away from it. So then I realized that the goal is actually to love Hashem…and to know that Hashem loves you too! In fact, Hashem loves you much more than you could ever love yourself. This is talked about in Torah classes. But why the need to also introduce self-love and self-esteem and self-this and self-that? I think it’s because the idea of such a relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu feels very far away, very difficult to attain. And that’s to be expected. But that’s doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make it our goal. A far-off goal doesn't mean we should dilute it with non-Jewish ideas in order to seemingly bring it closer. It's Not Too Far AwayIn the spiritual realm, EVERY SINGLE TINY STEP is HUGE PROGRESS. Every spiritual act you do MEANS something. Even if you become a completely rasha tomorrow (chas v’shalom), you can never erase any of the good you did. Never. That’s why terrible people often live it up in This World. Somewhere, they’ve done something good. And Hashem gives them their reward for it now. (But they sure will pay for it later!) So we shouldn’t allow the loftiness of the goal to dissuade us. Unfortunately, people who automatically (and often unconsciously) dismiss this goal can end up teaching, and writing books and articles in the frum community, which is why you’ll hear about all these pop psychology concepts within frum venues. So as good-hearted as these people are and as passionately as they want to help others, they can’t because they don’t have the right hashkafah themselves. And they honestly do not realize this. Placing Bogus Limits on God (Who is Limitless) Leads to Really Bad ThingsBy the way, this idea that a 100% true and necessary Jewish fundamental is “too far away” or “too high” to even attempt reaching is a 2000-year-old mistake made by other people. This is the basis for declaring a son of God who is also divine, and then using this imagery as a medium for prayer. Combine this with a rejection of the paradox that really horrific things happen in the world, yet Hashem is a Wholly Compassionate Creator Who does everything for the good, and you have what you have in the world today as far as a major religion goes. So for them, God feels too distant to access, plus they need someone to blame for all the bad stuff and the harsh judgements. So they make the human rep the “god” of love and accessibility, while they make the actual Creator the source of whatever they perceive as bad and punishing. Ta-daaaahhhh! Actually, it goes back even further. Much avodah zarah rests on this idea that God is too far away, too busy, too overwhelmed, too exalted, too paradoxical, and thus we need an intermediary (chas v’shalom). (In contrast, very early avodah zarah derived from the idea that people should praise the King’s servants—i.e., the planetary bodies—which led to actually worshiping them.) The point is: We should not limit Hashem. (Needless to say, we can't actually limit Hashem. But we can fool ourselves into thinking so.) That always leads to trouble in the end. We can strive to nurture a personal relationship with Hashem, and cultivate love for Him while at the same time, making every effort to feel His Love for us. So it’s not that you need to love yourself, but that you need to maintain a constant awareness that HASHEM loves YOU. Even when you’ve been bad, Hashem is right there loving you and waiting for you to return to Him. But that still wasn’t the end of it. Oh-Ho! I Found Self-Love in Judaism After All...If you read the wonderful mussar book, Pele Yoetz, you’ll discover that the second chapter is titled: Ahavat Atzmo – Love of Oneself! So what’s going on with that? First of all, the preceding and first chapter is Ahavah L’Hakadosh Baruch Hu – Love for the Holy One Blessed Be He. That right there tells us something. The very first sentence of the entire masterpiece is: Love for The Holy One Blessed Be He: There is no better virtue than this. For from this follows all the service of Hashem Yitbarach and all of Judaism. So self-love (as defined by the big tzaddik who wrote the Pele Yoetz) is actually an aspect of God-love. True self-love does not exist on its own, nor is self-love in and of itself considered a virtue in Judaism. In Love of Oneself, the Pele Yoetz immediately states that self-love in an integral part of Divine Design, explaining that a person loves himself more than anything else and will give away everything in order to save his own life. Then he immediately dives into the concept of self-destruction – which he exhorts against as the opposite of self-love. Basically, genuine self-love leads to good physical & emotional function, which leads to continued service of Hashem in mitzvot & good deeds. And that’s the whole point of self-love: avodat Hashem. A person who transgresses, a person who lives a physically and emotionally unhealthy life? That person is not expressing genuine love for himself. The Pele Yoetz categorizes such a person as being exploited by the Yetzer Hara, as having fallen into an “evil sickness,” and calls him a fool. Such a person can even commit suicide, notes the Pele Yoetz, God forbid. Whether a person injures himself or others, that injury is an act of cruelty. The Pele Yoetz lists behaviors that do NOT show self-love, but rather display self-hatred:
(You can see that excessive intimacy with one’s wife or lengthy vacations do not clash with the idea of self-love in the non-Jewish world. So as long as you work by the non-Jewish self-love paradigm, you won’t reach the Jewish ideal of self-love, which is based on making yourself a vessel for continued service of Hashem.) These behaviors DO show self-love:
Again, the non-Jewish world glorifies people who engage in dangerous treks to beautiful yet risky places. Furthermore, it sees nothing wrong with excessive marital intimacy or lengthy holidays. (In fact, lengthy vacations, ocean-crossings, and adventurous treks are even goals for many people.) So living your life according to even the best intentions of the non-Jewish self-love/self-compassion/self-esteem proponents will not lead you to the Jewish ideal of self-love. Self-Care in Service of Hashem OnlyIt’s interesting that the Pele Yoetz focuses primarily on your physical preservation with regard to self-love. But again—what is the root of self-love, according to the Pele Yoetz? The primary motivation for his love of self, body, and soul must emanate from the love of his Creator. The body and self are “tools for serving the Master.” They should not be sullied or broken. So basically, you’re good to yourself—especially your physical self--so that you have the strength and ability to keep serving Hashem and doing mitzvot. There’s no other reason. Sounds like a tall order? It is. But we should still try. As long as we make the effort, the Pele Yoetz reassures the striving individual with this final note of encouragement: Hashem will be his help and his might. In a Nutshell: The 3 Basic Torah Ideas of Self-Esteem, Self-Image, and Self-LoveTo sum up Judaism's take on all the above, based on the classic sources I've read:
#1 Healthy self-esteem means:
You can maintain the above knowledge even if you know that you (outside of your neshamah) are actually not so great. You might think there is a heck of a lot wrong with you. You might even think you're very bad. That's okay as long as you know the following:
I can't repeat this enough: I simply never found the pop psychology ideal of self-esteem in any authentic Torah sources. #2 A positive self-image means:
#3 Self-love means:
The idea of a secret Jewish or non-Jewish identity continues to intrigue many Jews, particularly religious Jews. Me too. Whether it's a potential convert from a Spanish-speaking country who discovers proof (or at least, compelling evidence) of a matrilineal line of Jews from the anousim or Jews who seem not to be Jewish (whether a possible Erev Rav soul-root or suspicions regarding the maternal line) or adoptees who uncover either Jewish or non-Jewish maternal ancestry, the underlying identity of a Jew or non-Jew continues to intrigue many of us. For me, it has always been an enduring interest that refreshes itself anew every so often. (As the generation above mine dies out without doing teshuvah or without even leaving Jewish descendants in some situations, my interest in the topic is renewing again.) Nurturing Vibrant Trees with Robust RootsOver recent years, I've found myself focusing more on & strengthening my own Yiddishkeit or wanting to exchange chizuk with other frum Jews. In contrast to my former more kiruv rechokim-orientation, I found myself coming into kiruv-krovim — including being mekarev myself, if you know what I mean. At this point, I feel that sincere davening for fellow Jews reaps more than external action, like talking and other kiruv-based interactions. Having said that, for those who enjoy hosting secular Jews for Shabbos or passing out all sorts of Jewish pamphlets or Shabbos candles or giving kiruv seminars/classes, this is not meant as discouragement! On the contrary, if you enjoy and succeed at kiruv rechokim, by all means — CONTINUE. You're doing a lot of good! But despite a lot of frum focus to the contrary, I'm slowly discovering the value of getting the core into healthy shape. In other words, my focus has become more inner-directed. Not self-centered or selfish, but a fortifying of the roots and trunk of the tree, rather than developing more outlying branches. While I don't necessarily apply this to those who clearly succeed in bringing assimilated Jews back into the fold, I feel that a deeper focus on improving and strengthening the core is vital — perhaps even more vital than searching out the assimilated. (If our roots are strong and healthy, branches & blossoms will develop & multiply on their own.) I think this reflects my renewed appreciation of Rav Avigdor Miller's approach, which clearly focused on building a vibrantly healthy core: a vibrant & sincerely frum Torah community connected directly to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Certainly, I developed a love of Rav Miller's Torah in my early twenties as a newcomer to frumkeit. I listened to so many of his tapes and bought the books containing his divrei Torah and Q&As. But I appreciate him even more now. Focusing InwardAs described on this blog previously, it has taken me over 25 years to discover that I'm not remotely successful (to my knowledge) with kiruv rechokim. And anyway, I see so much in myself that needs "kiruv." I've done so much work on myself over the years, and there's still so much work that needs to be done. Furthermore, I can't help seeing how much there is to do within the frum community. Whether it's participating in helping mommies recover from birth, tending the needs of sick people, supporting poor people, single parents (whether divorced or widowed), kollelim & yeshivot...there is so much good to accomplish WITHIN the frum community! Helping other frum Jews find employment, creating businesses to serve frum needs, and especially...SCHOOLS. There is so much to invest in the frum school system to ensure our children receive all their needs (spiritual, academic, physical, emotional) and nurture their precious souls in the best way possible so that they can become the best Jews possible and merit a truly wonderful portion in the World to Come. And many of we religious Jews very much need chizuk from each other. We need to continue deepening & expanding our relationship with Hashem, our emuna & bitachon, plus exchange "light" with each other. In addition, the open secret that even many frum Jews feel uncomfortable acknowledging is that many of our most vital mitzvot apply mostly to Jews who are shomrei Torah & mitzvot REGARDLESS of their particular affiliation (and even if another FRUM group holds some hashkafot that produce friction against your group's personal hashkafot). If another Jew is shomer Shabbat, shomer kashrut, etc., we have a mitzvah to love that person, give the benefit of the doubt, refrain from speaking lashon hara or rechilut about that person, and so on. A fellow shomer mitzvot is "your brother" (or sister). Are there dissenting and more expansive opinions? Yes. But the core opinion across the board is that a shomer mitzvot Jew is your brother or sister, to whom all the bein adam l'chavero mitzvot apply. This is the Gemara. (Please see Rav Avigdor Miller's Should We Love Irreligious Jews? for a very brief summary with sources.) If one is not shomer mitzvot (and especially if a Jew is ANTI-mitzvot), then not everyone says this is "your brother." It depends. (Please see the above link, plus Rav Avigdor Miller on Loving All Jews and Loving Your Troublesome Neighbor and Can the Rav explain to us how we could actually learn to love all Jews? for even more.) Excuse Me - WHO Exactly Did Hashem Take Out of Egypt Again?Furthermore, I've reached the age where the generation above me has started dying out (may we all live in robust health ad 120, b'ezrat Hashem). In my family & former non-religious Jewish community, people are intermarrying (sometimes divorcing and intermarrying again). Among the movements for Reform & Conservative (which is actual extremely liberal) fake "conversions" are all the rage, further diluting the crumbling Jewish identity of ignorant Jews (and deceiving non-Jews) by declaring 100% NON-Jews as Jews, and making these non-Jews believe they are bona fide Jews too. I recently received photos and enthusiastic emails about Rosh Hashanah meals, complete with honey cake and apples dipped in honey, in which not ONE participant in Jewish. Three generations of participants...no Jews left. Not one. Just non-Jews, some of whom think they're Jews. And while a non-Jew acknowledging Rosh Hashanah kinda makes sense (after all, it is a day of universal Judgement), these people will celebrate a Pesach Seder too, which has absolutely no connection to their history or souls. But they sure love singing Dayenu and eating matzah ball soup. I'm seeing Jews die without leaving one Jewish descendant. A Jewish line stretching back centuries...culminates in a dead end. And many of these people lived a lifetime steeped in cheit & aveirot (married to a non-Jew), some with random mitzvot interspersed within (like lighting Chanukah candles). And despite all the information & resources available, despite the ever-expanding copious outreach & approachability of their nearby frum community, and despite outreach efforts directed at these people, plus being davened for by frum family members or other associates — these people make no steps toward teshuvah, not even one, until & including the moment they die. Over 20 years of being their frum relative super-nice and receptive, sending these people appealing videos and links to kiruv websites, Shabbos invites (and actual Shabbos hosting), davening for them, their own experiences (POSITIVE experiences!) of visiting Eretz Yisrael & the Kotel & spending Shabbos with a frum family, davening at a frum shul, and so much more — nothing, nothing, nothing. No effort on anyone's part and no experience no matter how pleasant — nothing in authentic Judaism has touched them one iota. What to make of it? Who's a Jew? No, Really - Who IS a Jew?Well, here's one possibility — an admittedly unpopular possibility for many Jews today, but it's one stated by the Rambam no less: Rav Avigdor Miller on Are You a Descendant of Avraham Avinu? Apparently, the Rambam states (I don't know where) that a Jew who NEVER comes back to Torah and Mitzvot is not from the seed of Avraham Avinu. In his great integrity, Rav Miller acknowledges that this isn't necessarily set in stone: "...I wouldn’t be stubborn as to tell you definitely. There may be some exceptions to the rule." The fact that he describes his dissenter as a "chassidishe Rav" indicates that Rav Miller respects his dissenter's scholarship and that the chassidishe Rav based his dissent on legitimate sources and not sentimental feelings. Also, Rav Miller himself admits that it's not necessarily absolute, as stated above. Indeed, Rav Petiyah's Minchat Yehudah describes his encounters with Jewish souls who sinned throughout a series of lifetimes, never doing teshuvah and dying as complete degenerates. They reincarnated again, and when they still didn't do teshuvah, they spent some time in unbearable hellish suffering in the Slingshot of Hell or an Ocean of Lava (which saying Kaddish helped to lift one man out of the lava for the duration of the Kaddish), then merited an afterlife rectification from Rav Petiyah. Phew! So who's right? Well, we know that all the big poskim in Chazal are correct, even when they contradict each other:
In short (if I'm understanding everything correctly):
But you can't go trashing the Rambam or any other fundamental source in Chazal. And, like Rav Miller says, I don't think we can claim to know for sure. We can hold by one giant posek or another, but we can't say with our small minds that we know. However, if you want to make the most lucrative investment in your fellow Jew, then going with those who are shomrei Torah & mitzvot seems to be the surest way to go. Nothing is 100%, nothing is perfect, but investing in fellow shomrei mitzvot appears to be the lowest-risk investment. What about Blobs?One Jewish male family member who died this year was originally married to a Jewish woman. They had 1 son, then divorced. (That son married a non-Jewish woman, had a non-Jewish daughter with her, then he died when his daughter was around 8.) The Jewish male family member then married a non-Jewish woman (but got her a fake conversion first). The "conversion" was totally bogus. She never intended to keep the 10 Commandments, let alone kashrut or anything else. They lit Chanukah candles & hosted a Pesach Seder every year, but that's the limit of their "observance" as far as I ever saw. A non-Jew cannot convert with the intention of profaning even a single commandment (i.e. "I'll keep everything EXCEPT..."); such an intention invalidates the conversion. Anyway, they had 2 children together. I knew this man my entire life and all I ever saw was a quiet blob who was sometimes grumpy. He always reclined in his chair, either at the table or on the sofa. If he was on the sofa, he clutched a beer in one hand and watched sports on TV, preferably American football. But it didn't matter. Any sport would do. He even watched horse races. Even as a child, I thought that was weird. (FYI, I never saw him drunk, just indolent.) Sure, he held down a job and provided for his family. But other than that, he was a blob. Sometimes, when his non-Jewish son Harley irked him, he emitted a Brooklyn-accented warning growl: "HAWWW-LEEEE..." But that was it. His children never seemed to like him, even when they were young. They certainly despised him when they were older. Toward the end of his life, this man developed mental & physical debilitation. Due to the expense, his non-Jewish wife resisted getting care-assistance for him, despite her physical inability to care for him properly. (She was also getting old.) A couple of months prior to his death, his non-Jewish thirtysomething-year-old son finally had it out with him, yelling at him that he was miserly and that the son was sick of the father being such a tightwad. (The inciting incident was the son's purchase of $400 dollar tickets to attend a ball game.) I seriously questioned the appropriateness of such a confrontation when one's father is in a both physically & mentally decrepit state. Childhood resentments aside, it seems kind of mean. Anyway, he died before his fake-convert wife really needed to hire professional assistance, so everyone was relieved. And no one misses him in the least. That's sad, but it is the most expected result based on the way he lived his life. To me, his whole life seemed sad & meaningless (and a bit grumpy). Anyway, I'm not a mekubal and never will be, but since learning about the pinteleh Yid and all that, it has been hard for me to accept that this somewhat grouchy indolent blob is from zera Avraham. The fact that he left absolutely no Jewish continuation, and that the one Jewish child he produced never displayed any connection to Judaism and also died with no Jewish continuation hints something to me. I can't know for sure, but I'm with the Rambam in this particular case. "You Know, Some of My Relatives are Jewish..."I think we've all met people with surprising histories. There are the people converting to Judaism who discover a possible Jewish ancestor, whether a mother who gave them up for adoption or a long-dead great-great-great grandmother. A chassidic friend of mine was approached by a co-worker who said, "I see that you're Jewish. You know, some of my relatives are Jewish." "Oh?" said my friend. "Like who?" "Like my mother," came the reply. His Jewish mother married a non-Jew, then she died when he was a toddler. His non-Jewish father made a second marriage to a non-Jewish woman, who raised this man as her son. So he felt he was fully non-Jewish. Fortunately, my chassidic friend managed to gently break the startling news of his true identity to him and he showed up at her and her husband's Pesach Seder that year. Jews Under Cover in the Middle EastMy husband & I once found ourselves in a taxi driven by an apparent Muslim-Arab from near the French Colony in Yerushalayim. In the course of conversation, he revealed that his mother's mother was a Jew from Yemen. After a brief pause, my husband asked him if he realized that made him Jewish? Yes, he was aware of that. But he was well-entrenched in the Muslim-Arab lifestyle, including marriage to a Muslim-Arab woman, with whom he had children. There is actually a lot of that with Yemenites. One of my sons, who attends a yeshivah with many Yemenites, said that literally everyone has a story of an aunt or great-aunt who was taken by Muslims in Yemen and forcibly absorbed into the Muslim community. Yemen borders on Saudi Arabia and these borders are new, relatively speaking. Based on some of the pro-Judaism attitudes coming from some Saudis today, one cannot help but wonder whether they are descendants of stolen Yemenite Jewish girls. The truth is that families all over the Muslim world have stories like this. Rav Alon Anava has mentioned his own family's story, explaining how because of this, he has Jewish cousins is Syria & Lebanon who think they are Muslim. My sister-in-law's aunt or great-aunt suffered the same fate in Morocco. She was forcibly married to a Muslim. A couple of years back, one of this abducted woman's sons contacted the Jewish relatives in Eretz Yisrael. They accepted him with open arms, but he betrayed their trust somehow (my sister-in-law didn't go into any detail) and they felt they could not trust him in their homes. He returned to Morocco, leaving his mother's Jewish family members feeling disappointed & exploited. "All in all, he was raised as an Arab," she explained to me. "That's his identity and value system. He could not relate to us at all and was just trying to use the situation to his advantage." Heart-Breaking True StoryOn the subject of Yemenite Jewish girls being abducted: We know a man who's great-aunt in Yemen was taken by Muslims. She was around 11-13-years-old. One of the things they did to break these girls was to force them to eat non-kosher food. (Then it was easier to forcibly marry them off to a Muslim and all that followed.) But this Jewish girl refused. So they locked her in the cellar and told her she couldn't come out until she would eat their non-kosher food. She died in that cellar. A 110-Year-Old MysteryThen there is the story of Ann Harrison, one of the children adopted from the now-famous Orphan Train. orphantraindepot.org/history/orphan-train-rider-stories/ann-harrison-mabel-rubin/ Born Mabel Rubin to Jennie Rubin from Russia & Moe Cohen from New York, she was almost certainly Jewish, but baptized and raised by church-going Americans from the time she was a baby, Mabel-Ann clearly lost all her Jewish identity. Even when she discovered her real roots, it seems like she never returned. She had at least one daughter, Judy. Did Judy also have a daughter? It doesn't say. But this probably-Jewish girl born in 1909 could easily have Jewish descendants today. Maybe she has descendant that are converting or thinking of converting, with no knowledge that they are actually Jewish. On the other hand, if you go by the Rambam, you could also postulate that the reason why Mabel-Ann was basically lost to the Jewish people is because she is actually not from zera Avraham, despite the seemingly Jewish ancestry of her mother. How's that for a whole big hodge-podge of "Only God knows"? The Undiscovered Baby ExchangeThen there are the Jews who aren't really Jews. (Yes, we're getting back to where this post started.) When Irish-Catholic Alice Collins Plebuch took a DNA test for fun in 2012, she discovered that her proud Irish-Catholic father was most likely an Ashkenazi Jew. Research nixed any possibility of illegitimate relationships or a hidden adoption. It took years and a couple of lucky "coincidences" to discover the truth. To make a long & convoluted story very short: In September 1919 at the Fordham Hospital in New York, the Irish Catholic baby Jim Collins was accidentally switched with the Jewish baby Phillip Benson. The identifying mother-baby bracelets standard for today only came about in the 1930s-40s. In 1919, hospital births weren't common and certain practices hadn't yet developed. Hospitals relied on the nurse's memory and mother's facial recognition to determine whose baby was whose. So the Jewish family went home with a non-Jewish baby. Did they ever suspect he wasn't really theirs? No one knows, but interestingly, the parents of his first wife Esther Abulafia did not believe he was Jewish when they first met him. Of course, they had nothing on which to rely their suspicions. They met the Bensons and saw that they were bona fide Jews. As far as the Bensons were concerned, this person was their biological son. Except that he wasn't. Think about that. And think about how that probably wasn't the only time that happened. (Even Rabbi Meir Lehmann has a based-on-a-true-story book about such a switch — I think it's called Del Monte.) Furthermore, I wrote a post a long time ago with other stories along these lines: Only Hashem Knows, So Just Stick Close to Him The Non-Jewish Yeshivah BachurI think we've all heard of situations, like the guy shteiging away at a yeshivah for baalei teshuvah who only informs his rosh yeshivah after 2 years that he's adopted; his Jewish identity isn't biological but adopted. In many cases, the person converts. (The guy in the above example converted & is an exceptionally fine Jew.) But what if the issue hadn't been caught? Or what if his parents hadn't told him he'd been adopted? (That happens less nowadays; but still.) I heard that Rav Tauber has a story of a yeshivah bachur who discovered that his mother's conversion wasn't kosher. Everyone was sure he'd convert. But he didn't. And what if that issue hadn't been caught? How would things have continued? Looking to Our Tzaddikim & Their Tefillot for GuidanceThis is one of MANY things for which we are waiting for Mashiach to sort out. The Phillip Benson-Jim Collins switch is the most chilling. Esther Abulafia's parents are described as observant. The initially expressed suspicions as to their future son-in-law's Jewish identity. Yet their daughter unknowingly married a non-Jew. She didn't want to. Her parents didn't want her to. But she did. How on earth can one prevent such a hidden mix-up from happening? Practically speaking, the best advice is found in our tefillot. Looking over tefillot for parents to say for their children, I was struck by how concerned the tzaddikim were for ALL the future generations until the end of time. For example, the Admor and author of Archot Aharon includes in his prayer a plea that one's children will merit spouses from mishpachot kasherot v'hagunot (kosher and halachically proper families). Rav Eliezer Papo, author of Pele Yoetz, composed several prayers for parents to say for their children, which also included kol yotzei chalatzeinu (everyone to issue from us) and kol zereinu v'chol hanilavim eleinu (all our seed and all those attached to us -- i.e, those who join our family, via marriage, etc.) to be without any blemish. (He even includes a plea for all descendants to be from zera anashim — human origin — a topic beyond the scope of this post.) In Sefer Tzavat Abba, page 24, the tefillah includes a plea for there to be nothing passul (nothing flawed that nullifies one's descendants) "in my seed and in the seed of my seed until the end of all generations, and may there not come into our hands and not into our seed and not to the seed of our seed until the end of the generations any transgression and passul and ugly thing..." The book Tefillah L'Ani offers a prayer for "our sons and our daughters, our grandsons and our granddaughters, and about all that issues from us until the end of the generations." It asks that we merit "holy and pure neshamot" that are clean from "kol shemetz shel pagam" (any and all speck of blemish). "Neshamot" implies specifically Jewish souls. The above prayer repeats the whole "ad sof kol hadorot" (until the end of the generations) several times. In reading all the tefillot written by tzaddikim for parents to say over their children, it's impossible to miss their concern for completely kosher zera throughout all generations until the end of time. Clearly, they foresaw the problems we've been seeing on a sharp rise over the past 150 years. And again, there are hints in these prayers not only about obviously halachically forbidden unions (non-Jews & mamzerim & betrothed/married women), but spiritually undesirable unions (like with Erev Rav or non-human beings, etc). In short, there's a lot to daven for. So for those of us concerned about this issue (and I think it IS a concern, especially nowadays), we've got these beautiful prayers to help us out. And other than that, we'll need to wait for Mashiach to come and sort us all out.  Only recently did I realize that while I was very familiar with (and supportive of) the Ashkenazi Gedolim’s attitude toward political Zionism, I wasn’t so knowledgeable of the opinions of the Sephardi Gedolim. This is very understandable in light of the fact that the English-speaking charedi world is heavily weighted on the Ashkenazi side of things, so we end up hearing more about people like Rav Moshe Feinstein, Rav Kanievsky, Rav Shteinman, Rav Miller, Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, as well as the various Chassidic Rebbes, especially those prominent in the English-speaking world. And this is good because they are true talmidei chachamim. Furthermore, my Moroccan-Israeli husband’s entry into charedi Yiddishkeit was via Litvish yeshivahs. While my husband goes according to Sephardi talmidei chachamim for halacha, he respects all true talmidei chachamim equally with regard to hashkafah (as is the correct attitude). And despite certain differences among groups, the real talmidei chachamim have more in common than not. So when I asked my husband about Sephardi Gedolim and Zionism, he summed it up that Sephardi Gedolim place less emphasis on the "anti-Tziyoni," but other than that, don’t differ much in hashkafah from Ashkenazi Gedolim. Also, many Sephardi Gedolim opine as Rav Shteinman that if a boy is anyway out on the street committing all kinds of transgressions and generally wasting his life, then Nachal Charedi is a better option for him. (Several other Ashkenazi Gedolim oppose even this.) I think that sums it up on one foot, anyway. Finally, it's important to know that the term itself (Tziyonut) is not remotely based on Torah or mitzvot (other than the name of the geographical location: "Tzion"). Tziyonut was only coined in 1890 by Nathan Birnbaum, who was a secular ethnocentrist at that time. (He did complete teshuvah later, baruch Hashem.) He promoted Jewish nationalism based on the Yiddish language and culture (however he defined that). So Tziyonut was a secular ethnocentric (Ashkenazi-only Yiddish-only) idea from the get-go. (To be fair, Sephardim only comprised around 10% of world Jewry at that time, but they still numbered over a million spread throughout North Africa, the Middle East, the Balkans, Western Europe, including thousands in North & South America. Quite a lot to ignore, actually.) Baruch Hashem, Birnbaum also dropped his ethnocentrism later too. Sincere teshuvah cleanses all sins. (Quite an interesting fellow. Please see HERE for more about him.) Ashkenazi Gedolim & Sephardi Gedolim Face Very Different AudiencesFurthermore, as my very yeshivish son pointed out, Sephardi Gedolim are talking to an extremely varied group, and they need to pasken according to needs of different Jews. For example, charedi Sephardim listen to Sephardi Gedolim. Yet secular-traditional Sephardim also listen to Sephardi Gedolim. And then you have all the Sephardim in between those 2 extremes. Yet who listens to, say, Rav Kanievsky outside of charedim (both Sephardi & Ashkenazi) and the very committed chardalim (charedi-dati-leumi)? My son pointed out that when Rav Ovadia Yosef ztz”l spoke about army service, he needed to speak to both the Sephardi charedi bnei Torah AND “amcha” (the non-yeshivish Sephardim) at the same time. I believe Sephardi Gedolim face a similar challenge if they decide to talk about tziyonut negatively to constituents who self-identify as tziyoni. (Many if not most Israelis — or Jews worldwide, for that matter — do not realize the origin of the term or the idea.) Ashkenazi Gedolim could and do also speak to Jews at different stages of observance, but they do so on the individual level because there is no real need (or demand) to do so on the general level. (For example, Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach opposed heter mechirah for Shemittah, but if a person came to him who was insistent on heter mechirah, the rav would tell him how to observe heter mechirah according to halacha.) Also, it’s always hard to discuss this kind of thing in a public forum because black-and-white thinkers tend to see the above as charedi compromise/capitulation/loophole or hypocrisy, with a smirky attitude of “Oho—gotchya Gadol Hador!” But really, it’s more a matter of assisting a person “ba’asher hu sham” (Beresheit 21:17 with Rashi) and that’s not compromising on Torah values at all. But it's very difficult to explain this to black-and-white thinkers. So I hope there are no black-and-white thinkers reading this. (Or if they are, I fervently hope they do not comment because I find the circular arguments & misleading blanket statements very stressful to deal with.) But back to Sephardi talmidei chachamim and Zionism… An Enlightening Q&A with HidabrootHere is a Q&A from Hidabroot (my translation): Q: Here’s another on Hashkafah & Yirat Shamayim: Q: That’s pretty unequivocal. And this next one is a particularly fun read. For those who like to compare and contrast, here is a Sephardi rabbi discussing Satmar & Neturei Karta hashkafahs – you sure don’t see that every day! (Please scroll down to #5 in the original Hebrew.) UPDATE: A reader knowledgeable in Satmar hashkafah wrote to clarify points mentioned in the answer given by Rabbi Nachum. Please see R' Yisroel Tzion Kash's comments below for elucidation of the authentic Satmar hashkafah. A Few Questions on Satmar & Zionism: Q: {Sorry, that last sentence was a bit convoluted. The rabbi means that due to the diametric contrast in religious belief, Muslims cannot be more than temporarily appeased by taking Land from the Jews. In other words, their religious belief system demands more than just taking Land. —MR} May it be His Will that the Blessed Hashem will help every single Jew to come out of this Galut speedily in our days, Amen. The Value of Sephardi InsightI just want to add that I really value the knowledgeable Sephardi views on Arabs and Islam. You still have many Sephardim who understand Arabic and are familiar with Muslim-Arabic culture in a way similar to those of us who grew up among Western non-Jewish culture. These Sephardim pick up on nuances that others don’t and actually understand what Arabic-speakers mean when they say stuff. And while they can be sympathetic toward Arabs and easily see them as individuals (just like we Americans relate toward our non-Jewish friends & neighbors), they are at the same time very aware of cultural values and behaviors. What Do Ben Shapiro, Rav Avigdor Miller, and Neturei Karta Have in Common?And with regard to Rabbi Nachum's summary of Neturei Karta’s views (which sound extreme under the Neturei Karta label, but are actually shared by many thinking frum Jews): I’m seeing a similar dynamic among American Jews — those frum Jews who wish to disassociate themselves from the increasingly immoral views of liberal/Leftist Jews and the degenerate high mucky-mucks who are Jew in name only. Disassociation is important both for the sake of truth and to avoid the undeserved fallout that occurs when decent frum Jews are lumped together with anti-Torah Jews. Even the modern Orthodox Ben Shapiro disassociates himself from the widespread Jewish vote for Obama with: “Most Jews aren’t Jewish in any real sense beyond ethnic identification.” Or this: “…the Jews who vote for Obama are, by and large, Jews In Name Only (JINOs). They eat bagels and lox; they watch "Schindler's List"; they visit temple on Yom Kippur – sometimes. But they do not care about Israel. Or if they do, they care about it less than abortion, [same-gender] marriage and global warming.” Here’s something similar by Rav Avigdor Miller: Rav Avigdor Miller on Neturei Karta & Dirty Laundry. In other words: “They don’t represent us. They don’t represent the authentic Jewish position.” It’s also impossible to miss the implied plea not to hate or judge or condemn us (or authentic Torah Judaism) or attack us because of the “JINO” majority — an approach which shares some similarity with the Neturei Karta approach. Also, please don’t think I’m equating Ben Shapiro with talmidei chachamim and real daas Torah. My point is that there is a logical response that any committed frum Jew could instinctively have. It’s self-protective, not extremist. (And isn't it really bizarre to find a similarity in approach between Ben Shapiro & Neturei Karta & Rav Avigdor Miller? I had no idea I'd reach this conclusion when I started writing this post.) Anyway, getting back to Sephardi chachamim & Tziyonut… A Sampling of Sephardi Chachamim & Their OpinionsHere are 2 articles written by differently hashkafahed Jews: Here’s a dati-leumi rabbi summing it up: https://www.etzion.org.il/en/sephardic-rabbinical-approaches-zionism And here is a Sephardi frum fellow summing it up: https://bariveshema.blogspot.com/2006/05/sephardic-rabbis-and-zionism_04.html This is the first time I’ve come across Bari VeShema and I’m not sure what his exact hashkafah is, but I prefer his summary of Sephardi Gedolim because it’s better-sourced. Also, I found it difficult to research Sephardi Gadolim & Zionism because in the English-speaking Sephardi world, I think many prefer to think their Gedolim are dati-leumi, so I found the English-speaking Sephardi presentation slanted toward their own preference, which I'm not sure is completely accurate. That's my impression. Please correct me if I'm wrong. Sincerely, I mean that. So looking at Bari V’Shema, I was surprised to discover that Chacham Alfandari did not think that Agudas Yisrael was anti-Tziyoni enough. Also, the Ben Ish Chai comes off as very strong in his stance. Then there is this quote by the Baba Sali from Etzion’s Rabbi Jachter above: “Ki Ata be-eish hitzata, u-va-eish Ata atid livnota” – with fire Yerushalayim was destroyed and with fire it will be rebuilt. He explained that just as Jerusalem was destroyed by the fire of avoda zara, it will sadly be rebuilt by avoda zara. Very powerful. I read this in another place and I wish I knew the source for this for sure. I love this quote and it makes sense that the Baba Sali said this, but I'm uncomfortable without solid sources for quotes. Also, regarding the discussion that follows in the comments section of Bari V'Shema's post: I personally do not equate Zionism with the mitzvah of yishuv ha’Aretz, although many frum Jews do. (But many also do not.) At the risk of this turning into a useless discussion of semantics, I think that equating Zionism with yishuv ha'Aretz confuses things — especially since the entire origin of the term & idea is secular & ethnocentric. (This confusion can be seen, for example, in describing Doña Gracia Nasi as being one of the early “Zionists” because she strove to provide Jewish settlement in Tiveria, which some people do. Neither the term nor the idea even existed in the 1500s. There is a mitzvah of yishuv ha’Aretz. That’s all.) Likewise, in the Etzion article, I’m not sure if the Sephardi chachamim were pro-Zionism per se or whether they were pro-yishuv ha’Aretz and in favor of winning battles against Jew-hating enemies. What were the exact terms they used? I don't know. It doesn't say. For example, Rav Ovadia Yosef was in favor of praying for Israeli soldiers. Doing so is not specifically Tziyoni. Why is davening for a fellow Jew to succeed against Jew-haters "tziyoni"? To compare: Rav Avigdor Miller encouraged support of the IDF & Tziyonim against Jew-hating terror. He clearly says you SHOULD pray for Israeli soldiers. He was against these insane & suicidal “Land for peace” policies: Rav Miller on Praying for the IDF (January 2001) Rav Miller on Land for Peace (October 2000) Yet he was clearly not “pro-Zionist.” Rav Miller on the Sinking Boat of the Zionist State (November 1975) In other words, Rav Miller loved all Jews and wanted what was truly best for us. Secular Leftist anti-Torah tyrannies are not good for us. Again, because of a tendency to equate fighting terror or settling the Land with “Zionism,” it’s not clear to me that these chachamim were “pro-Zionism.” Did they even use that specific term? Again, I do not know. I personally do not & will not call myself a Zionist anymore than I would call myself a “Sabbathist” for keeping Shabbat or an “environmentalist” for observing the Torah prohibitions of bal tashchit and not uprooting fruit trees. I don't refer to myself as a "monotheist" for believing in One God. Anyone can be a monotheist. I'm a Torah-observant Jew. I am not a Zionist. I’m a Torah observant Jew who, in addition to fulfilling other commandments in the Torah, also fulfills the commandment of yishuv ha’Aretz — to settle in Eretz Yisrael. That’s it. Anyway, I think this sums up everything I’ve learned so far about Sephardi Gedolim and Tziyonut. Oh, Wait...One More Sephardi OpinionPlease see this tefillah of a huge Sephardi tzaddik for settling in Eretz Yisrael. This was in 1824 when Eretz Yisrael was under the occupation of Turkish Ottoman Empire. A Prayer to Make Aliyah & Live in Eretz Yisrael (The Pele Yoetz preceded Herzl & Tziyonut by decades, by the way, as did religious aliyah & settlement within Eretz Yisrael.) The Pele Yoetz refers to aliyah as "likboa dirato ba'Eretz Yisrael — to set his residence in the Land of Israel" or "halichat Eretz Yisrael — going to Eretz Yisrael." That's what I and millions of other Jews have done: We went to Eretz Yisrael & we set our residence in Eretz Yisrael. (Please see the Pele Yoetz's chapter on Eretz Yisrael in Ivrit or Eretz Yisrael in English.) No Zionism, no political labels, no ethnic or cultural focus...just mitzvah. A particularly heartwarming & fulfilling mitzvah.  Lake Kinneret (The Sea of Galilee) Because so many roles in the frum community are influenced (or actively borrowing from) Western secular psychology, many well-intentioned people tend to address problems backwards. For example, many people struggling with frumkeit and their relationship with Hashem describe some kind of rejection in the background. Maybe it was from their family or maybe from their school. Maybe it was their community. Maybe they stumbled upon a rabbi or rebbetzin who wasn’t the real deal. Sometimes it was outright rejection, sometimes it was more subtle; like a teacher or parent not addressing their needs fully. So many concerned influencers in the community put tremendous efforts in curing others of what the "experts" perceive as rejectionism. (This gets even thornier when the pressure to love & accept people who behave in ways that are truly objectionable and yet unconditional love doesn't seem to help much, if at all. But that's a whole other topic.) Needless to say, we all need to work on ahavat Yisrael. We need to work on ourselves, investing in a thorough & regular cheshbon hanefesh, which entails clearing up those blindspots & clearing out those clogged middot. However... The problem comes when Hashem is whisked out of the picture, as He always is psychology & sociology. The Paradox of Emuna & HishtadlutMillennia of Torah scholarship shows us that our lives exist within a paradox:  One kind of paradox
(In other words, we aren’t supposed to look at a poor person and say, “Well, obviously, Hashem wanted you to suffer the nisayon of poverty as a tikkun, so why should I give you anything? It’s Hashem’s Will!” That is a cold-hearted, cruel, and anti-Torah way of looking at a person in need.) So yes, we should work on treating every person with fairness and respect. If someone is meant to endure a difficult nisayon, we should not be chosen as the stick with which to beat another. At the same time, people are clearly meant to go through trials in life. The Recipe for Greatness: Isolation, Rejection, Repression...As described in a previous post (Loneliness & Rejection as Aspects of Mashiach), experiences like rejection—especially severe all-encompassing rejection—are aspects of Mashiach. Look at what David Hamelech (the progenitor of Mashiach ben David) and Yosef Hatzaddik (the progenitor of Mashiach ben Yosef) went through. They were both rejected by their own brothers—brothers who were very great people in their own right! Being quashed, repressed, and confined in some way also occurred to many supreme Jews in Tanach: Yosef Hatzaddik, Moshe Rabbeinu, and Yirmiyahu Hanavi were all dumped in prison pits. Sara Imeinu and Dina were locked in boxes for their own protection. Being isolated within completely non-Jewish environments is another theme: Yosef Hatzaddik, Moshe Rabbeinu, Daniel, Esther Hamalkah… Can you imagine being in a place where the tumah is literally pervading the air? Avodah Zara Makes My Skin CrawlMany people think of avodah hazara as some ancient Mesopotamian dude bowing down before something like a golden Pillsbury Doughboy statue, as we see today with Eastern mysticism. No, no, no, no. (Although Eastern mysticism is indeed totally forbidden & extremely harmful.) Avodah zara is the dark occult. And it was a highly developed occult back in ancient times. The occult leaders possessed brilliant minds equal to the top scientists of today, and these occult leaders had everything down to a science. If you were in a palace in ancient Egypt or Persia, you were surrounded by dark and spooky tumah, plus demonic forces—talk about being afraid to look under your bed at night or monsters in closets! The stench of tumadik incense pervaded the environment. (And you thought smog was bad.) Not to mention the nearby presence of practitioners brainwashed into sociopathy, who would even sacrifice their own small child in cruel ways. How would you feel about sleeping in the same building or neighborhood as people who’d done that? Pretty creepy stuff. Are You a Potential Moshe Rabbeinu?I mean, take a look at Moshe Rabbeinu’s experiences, for example: You see that he grew up in the center of Egyptian avodah zara, which was particularly dark & oppressive tumah. And he came through that nisayon with flying colors. Yet upon going to join his brethren, he was proactive in his expression of empathy & justice, and found himself on the run from his fellows, and then imprisoned underground and subsisting on matzah. That’s rejection with a capital “R”! Not to mention feeling repressed. He couldn’t fully express his innate nature and talents in a depressing pit. (He couldn’t in Pharaoh’s palace either.) And Moshe Rabbeinu’s difficulties didn’t stop there. The very people (the Erev Rav) he tried so hard to help and be mekarev and elevate, not only turned on him personally, but they even messed up everything Moshe Rabbeinu had done for the Am until then! (Yes, I’m talking about the Golden Calf travesty.) So…was Am Yisrael wrong for letting the Erev Rav work them up into a state of panic and then latching on to the Erev Rav’s advice? Yes! And we're still suffering the consequences for that until this day! But this was also Moshe Rabbeinu’s Divinely ordained nisayon. Are You a Potential Yirmiyahu HaNavi?If you read through Yirmiyahu Hanavi’s saga, his profound ahavat Yisrael can move you to tears. Would Yirmiyahu Hanavi have achieved such greatness if everyone had loved him back and been all nicey-nice to him all the time? NO. Where is the challenge of loving people who are easy to love? (The Pele Yoetz makes this point HERE. Please scroll down to "No More Blame Game.") Yirmiyahu Hanavi’s eternally recognized greatness derived from his ability to genuinely love and feel compassion for people who didn’t deserve his love and compassion. And that’s the lesson repeated throughout Tanach. Only a Rejected & Despised Stone can be Used as a Cornerstone: |
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I'm a middle-aged housewife and mother in Eretz Yisrael who likes to read and write a lot. 
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