Category: Pele Yoetz

The Ultimate Way to Honor Parents and In-Laws

13/4/2018

Several times throughout his 1824 mussar masterpiece, Pele Yoetz, Rabbi Eliezer Papo emphasizes that the main mitzvah of honoring one's parents and in-laws is AFTER they pass on (may we all live in good health until 120!).

He notes that even if one's parents or in-laws were extremely pious people and everyone left behind is confident they're doing great in the Afterlife, one can never really know for sure. Therefore, it's best to go beyond the yearly kaddish and other traditions of honoring our dearly departed. He notes that it's not enough to do all the important things one does during the 12 months following a parent's death. No one can rest assured regarding one's fate after death, and so children and children-in-law should continue to pray and perform good deeds (like giving charity) on behalf of their parents for the rest of their lives.

In fact, he even goes so far as to say:

It is proper for a son to have his father's image etched before him all the days of his life as if he appears screaming bitterly from amid flaming fire and saying, "My son! My beloved! Have compassion upon me! Have compassion upon me! Save my soul from the sword and my being from the grasp of a dog!"

Lest this all sound frightening and gloomy, Rav Papo reassures us that we'll receive tremendous blessing for showing departed parents so much care and compassion. Their departed souls will bless our living souls and God will also be very Happy about our concern and compassion for people who are no longer able to help themselves.

So providing merits for departed loved ones is an all-around win-win situation for everyone involved.

To this means, Rav Papo composed a short prayer to say, and he recommends that it be said at the beginning of each day.

Where it says "etc," you can apparently fill in whatever person you choose. You can also apparently say this for a grandparent or anyone else for whom you wish to provide merit in the Afterlife.

You should also feel free to change the Hebrew possessive in the last line to feminine form or plural, if necessary, i.e. instead of nafsho, you can say nafsha for a woman or nafsham for several people.

Here is the prayer in Hebrew, English, and transliteration:

יהי רצון מלפניך ה אלוקינו ואלוקי אבותינו שתקבל ברחמים וברצון כל מעשה הטוב אשר אני עושה בין במחשבה בין בדיבור בין במעשה ויהיה הכל בזכות ובמנוחת ולעלוי נפש רוח ונשמה של אבי ואמי וחמי וחמתי וכו'. יהי רצון שתהא נפשו צרורה בצרור החיים

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May it be favorable before You, O God, our God and God of our fathers, that You shall accept with compassion and favor every good deed that I perform, whether it's in thought, in speech, or in deed, and may it all be considered as a merit and respite and elevation of the life-force [nefesh], spirit [ruach], and soul [neshamah] of my father and my mother and my father-in-law and my mother-in-law, etc. May it be Your Will that his [or "her" or "their"] soul shall be bound in the bond of [eternal] life.

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Yehi ratzon Hashem Elokeinu v'Elokei Avoteinu sheh tekabel b'rachamim uv'ratzon kol ma'aseh hatov asher ani oseh/osah bein b'machshavah bein b'dibur bein b'ma'aseh v'yiyeh hakol l'zchut v'l'menuchat ul'ilui nefesh, ruach, uneshamah shel avi v'imi v'chami v'chamoti, vechuleh. Yehi ratzon sheh tahei nafsho tzrurah b'tzror hachaim.

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May we all succeed in completing our full rectification in this lifetime without tribulations or disgrace.

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A Prayer to Make Aliyah & Live in Eretz Yisrael

27/3/2018

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Each year, we end the Pesach Seder with the words:

"L'shanah haba b'Yerushalayim habnuya! -- Next year in the rebuilt city of Jerusalem!"

Furthermore, it has always been a great mitzvah for a Jew to make aliyah and live in Eretz Yisrael if at all possible.

Yet like everything else, this mitzvah needs a lot of prayer.

In fact, a major life-change like this calls for copious heartfelt prayer, whether you feel like you'll never be able to make aliyah or whether you're already on your way. Fortunately, Rabbi Eliezer Papo (author of the Pele Yoetz) wrote a book of prayers for all occasions (called Beit Tefillah) including this prayer for "Diur b'Eretz Hakodesh -- Residing in the Holy Land."

As is usual by tzaddikim, you'll see that in his great love for his fellow Jews, Rav Papo doesn't leave out anyone. Also, while Jews outside of Eretz Yisrael have an obligation to help and support Jews living within Eretz Yisrael, Jews within Eretz Yisrael apparently have a special obligation to pray for their fellow Jews still stuck outside.

We're all in this together!

The following prayer is presented in Hebrew, English transliteration, and English translation:

דיור בארץ הקודש
ויהי רצון מלפניך ה' אלוקי ואלוקי אבותי, שתעזור לעמך ישראל ותזכם שיקבעו דירתם לשכון כבוד בארץ הקדושה. ולא יאמר אדם, צר לי המקום שאשב בארץ הקדושה. ולא יצטרכו לצאת ממנה, אלא ישבו בה כל ימי חייהם בקדושה ובטהרה, ושם תהא מיתתם, שם תהא מנוחתם כבוד. ותתן כוח וחיל ורצון טוב ליושבי חוץ לארץ, להיותם עוזרים ותומכים ביד יושבי ארץ ישראל בגופם וממונם, למען ישבו שם בהשקט ושלוה, עובדים עבודתך ומתפללים על עמך

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V'yehi ratzon milfanecha Hashem Elokai v'Elokai avotai, sheh ta'azor l'Amecha Yisrael u't'zakem sheh yikba'u diratam lishkon kavod ba'Aretz Hakadosha. V'lo yomar adam "Tzar li hamakom sheh eshev ba'Aretz Hakadosha. V'lo yitzarchu latzet mimenah, eleh yeshvu vah kol yamei chayeihem b'kedushah u'v'tahorah, v'sham tahei mitatam, v'sham tahei menuchatam kavod. V'titen ko'ach v'chayil v'ratzon tov l'yoshvei chutz l'Aretz, l'hiyotam ozrim v'tomchim b'yad yoshvei Eretz Yisrael b'gufam u'mamonam, l'man yeshvu sham b'hashket v'shalvah, ovdim avodatcha u'mitpalelim al Amecha.

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May it be Your Will Hashem, my God and the God of my fathers that You will help your Nation of Israel and grant them the merit to permanently fix their abode to reside honorably in the Holy Land. And may no person say, "It's difficult [narrow, too tight] for me, this place I will reside within the Holy Land." And may they not need to leave it, but may they remain within it in holiness and purity all the days of their lives, and there shall be their death and there shall be their resting place of honor. And grant strength and valor and good will to those who dwell outside the Land, to be helpers and supporters in hand with the settlers of Eretz Yisrael, both physically and financially, so that they can dwell there in peace and tranquility, toiling in Your Divine Service and praying for Your Nation.
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To download as a PDF, please press the pretty azure button:

A Prayer to Dwell in Eretz Yisrael

Rav Papo published Pele Yoetz in the Ottoman Empire's Bulgaria in 1824. At that time he wrote of the Jews in Eretz Yisrael (who were also under Turkish Muslim rule):

"They live like chickens in a coop; they are not able to earn a living, and there is almost no one who has pity upon them."

But regarding the great mitzvah of aliyah, which he encourages if at all feasible (emphasis mine -- MR):

The primary purpose of going to Eretz Yisrael is for the rectification of the soul.
And the spirit shall return to G-d who gave it as He gave it, and the soul will praise G-d because the holiness of the place and the respite from the pressures of time is a great help to this matter. As such, whoever merits to go there should be holy and should separate himself [from materialistic goals].

And even if God has "expanded his boundary," [i.e. blessed him with material abundance], he should not delight in sensual pleasures...he should behave in the ways of repentance...And great is the power of prayer in that place, the Land which is so desired.

And they already have awesome prayers which they pray on behalf of all those in Exile [i.e, all those still living outside of Eretz Yisrael].

And from their mouths, we live.

Jews in Eretz Yisrael often feel like we're making the big sacrifice on behalf of world Jewry. But in reality, a move to Eretz Yisrael carries with it a tremendous responsibility:
heartfelt prayer on behalf of our precious brothers and sisters (in addition to raising our own standards of piety and religious commitment).

The lives of the Jews in chutz l'Aretz depend on our "mouths"! We need to buckle down and care about everyone and beg for Hashem's Mercy for EVERYONE.

Rav Papo provides an important list of what Jews in Eretz Yisrael must pray for:

Each person should pray for his relatives according to his best ability
Pray for the building of the Beit Hamikdash
Pray for the Ingathering of the Exiles
Pray for Hashem to bring the complete Redemption speedily in our days, Amen.

He concludes with:

One who resides in the Land of Israel must be continuously happy with his continuous mitzvah.

All of his suffering should be alleviated in his eyes due to his great love for her [i.e.the Land].

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Why You Need to Dig for the Treasure Hidden in Your Own Backyard

25/1/2018

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Updated addendum to original post:
The exact Jewish texts and chapters that encourage what modern psychology calls "mindfulness" (as discussed below) are:

Shaar Habechina/Gate of Understanding in Chovot Levavot/Duties of the Heart
Zehirut/Watchfulness in Mesilat Yesharim/Path of the Just
In Pele Yoetz, you can browse through several chapters that encourage "mindfulness" (i.e., Thought, Protective Devices/Gederim, Clinging to God/Deveikut, Carefulness/Zehirut, Inclination/Yetzer, among many others).

There are more, but these are a good start.

The last couple of generations have seen tremendous development within the field of psychology, including increasing knowledge of how the brain works (although this is mixed with a lot of assumption rather than hard science). Combined with new access to long-term studies (20 years or more), a lot is opening up.

And when applied correctly, it can be very helpful...to a point.

What do I mean?

A "Mindful" State of Mind

I read an article written by a likable young genius who corrals the latest books on a given topic within psychology, then sums it all up in an appealing and easy-to-understand article.

And if you've never come across these concepts before, they're thrilling and effective...to a point.

Let's take his latest: "5 Ways to Overcome Anger." A worthy endeavor, indeed!

He starts off with a keyword fashionable among today's self-improvement enthusiasts:
"mindfulness."

Mindfulness basically means to make yourself aware of something, then take a step back to observe it objectively. And it is truly a great development in the right direction.

The thing is, if you've been doing any kind of regular hitbodedut ("regular" doesn't have to mean a full hour a every single day; it could mean 20 minutes a day, or an hour every other day, or even just once a week), then you'll likely already have started practicing "mindfulness" on your own, without realizing you're doing it or what it's called.

"Mindfulness" is a kind of awakening, which is exactly what connecting to Hashem on a deeper level does for you. You awaken to the real consequences of an act and whether the autopilot-attempt at feeling good (via copious carb-and-fat ingestion, drugs, a bottle of rum, watching way too many funny cat videos, or yelling at someone, etc.) leads you to actually feel good. (Ultimately, it doesn't.)

In fact, both Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzatto's Path of the Just and Rabbi Ibn Paquda's Duties of the Heart (among other beautiful books) dedicate entire chapters to "mindfulness" -- they call it "zehirut" (watchfulness) or "bechina" (examination).

It's a type of emotional/spiritual awareness and maturity. So if you've been truly working on yourself and asking Hashem for help, then you've already started practicing it.

But getting back to the secular science of self-improvement what are some of the mind-science recommendations for overcoming anger?

Self-Awareness and Self-Discipline

1) Examine the who, what, where, and why of your anger.
Again, this is something you'll automatically do if you are regularly speaking to Hashem about your feelings and life events, and doing a regular cheshbon hanefesh (examining your deeds and motivations).

Because you're talking regularly to Hashem as your One True Close Friend, you anyway turn to Him when you feel angry, resentful, envious, or low, and then thresh it all out.

2) Avoid triggers.
He gives nice tips for avoiding triggers, but some of it ultimately makes me think of that cognitive dissonance in which atheists need to engage in order to survive. And it's ALLLL over the self-help world.

Not that he's an atheist. I don't know his beliefs. I'm referring to an atheistic way of thinking.

It just doesn't work for the long term unless you drift into some sort of state of disassociation and cognitive dissonance (which is the opposite of what mindfulness means to do).

For example, his research advises you to get creative with distraction and minimization. (Again, these are good ideas, but just not practical for many people over the long term.)

Therefore, the research recommends against reading or listening to things that drive you nuts. Again, if you're engaged in spiritual growth via hitbodedut, you'll start avoiding that stuff on your own. Speaking from personal experience, emotionally unhealthy stuff starts to feel obviously bad.

But when he addresses dealing with triggering people you can't avoid, like co-workers, he advises you to do things like find a way to politely leave a board meeting until you calm down.

But what if you can't calm down (whether because your co-workers are truly so bad or whether because you are so messed up)?

What if it has just been too much? What if this board meeting happens to be the last straw?

What if it's a situation you simply can't leave? Or it's ongoing relationships, like with family or neighbors or fellow congregants?

(Most self-help relies on the fantasy that you have superior control over most aspects of your life, including how much you can sleep, etc.)

THIS is where psychology falls short. Without Hashem, without the emuna that even painful or aggravating events are truly beneficial somehow and using difficult people as loving messages for what you need to fix in yourself, and without prayer...these triggers just aren't manageable.

In my experience, you can use these methods to handle an ongoing trigger like a pro for around two weeks, max. Then you'll either explode or get depressed or break down in some other way...unless you either become repressed, disassociated (neither is good for mental or spiritual health) or have naturally thick skin that allows stuff to roll of off it.

(A lot of consistently calm & laid-back people are actually disassociated, if their calm is not coming from emuna.)

To prevent this post from being even longer than it already is, I'm skipping the next 3 tips. Again, they're good advice but more of the same (train your mind, break the mental loop, ride the wave) and are things you automatically do when you've been engaged in honest hitbodedut.

Working on Yourself at the Real Core

Is the above all good advice? Is it helpful?

Yes!

For example, if despite hitbodedut, you're still checking into Facebook several times a day, even though it makes you feel increasingly depressed, then reading the above can add impetus to stop yourself, due to Tip #2: "Avoid triggers."

But the above aren't the full answer. (Even though their well-meaning proponents portray them as being the key to what you really need.)

Mindfulness, self-compassion, and many other concepts popping up today are indeed helpful. But they're much more limited than their proponents realize. (It's legitimately very exciting and inspiring when you first discover them. But then life happens...)

And yes, even with regular hitbodedut and mussar (cheshbon hanfeseh, praising and thanking Hashem, changing behavior, prayer, etc.), you can still have anger issues. BUT the big difference is that hitbodedut and mussar move you forward for real.

Using hitbodedut and mussar, you will genuinely progress from inside your deepest self.

Some stuff goes shockingly fast while some improves erratically and slowly. It depends where you're holding and what issues God gave you.

Accessing the Treasure in Your Own Backyard

A lot of people don't like to hear this, but I gradually came to the conclusion that nothing substitutes for reading original mussar material -- yes, even for very secular or non-intellectual people. ("Mussar material" means the centuries-old ethics books written by the original masters themselves.)

The original mussar speaks to your soul and on a certain level, slices through any intellectual and religious limitations.

And yes, the big resistance learning original mussar is the feeling "But they don't tell you HOW to do it!"

I definitely understand this because I used to say this too.

The thing is, they do tell you, but they mostly don't spoonfeed it into you, which is what our generation (me included) really needs. After I read Garden of Emuna, it was like a key that opened up all these other mussar books.

But the truth is, had I quieted my mind for a moment to ponder the ideas in these books and put their advice into action even before fully understanding it, they would have really helped me even without reading Garden of Emuna.

In hindsight, I needed to make a serious mental effort to understand what they were trying to tell me and to force myself to act, but I just didn't. (Actually, they helped me anyway on some level simply because it's Truth and Wisdom, and it still seeps through all your mental muck to illuminate your mind at least a little.)

It doesn't matter which ones you read; go where your soul takes you.

Some of the books easier to get through are:
Garden of Emuna by Rav Shalom Arush
Words of Faith by Rav Levi Yitchak Bender
Strive for Truth by Rav Eliyahu Dessler
(I'm probably missing some, but this is a good start.)

Chassidic works written by the original tzaddikim are very good and have inspired people from all walks of life, particularly the works of Breslov and Chabad.

But the golden old classics like, Ways of the Righteous, Path of the Just, Duties of the Heart, Way of God, etc., are still very worth reading to get whatever you can out of them. And you will get something you wouldn't have had otherwise.

I want to note that Chassidic works, plus the first 3 books listed, were written by great people who also studied the golden old classics in great depth, so reading Chassidic works by the original tzaddikim will also get you the classic works by osmosis, so to speak. (I am not Chassidic, by the way.)

I can't stress how important it is to read the original works, even if it's a translation and even if the language is initially so obtuse that you can only commit to a paragraph a day.

The research-based advances in psychology are helpful.
Classes or modern books based on classic mussar sources given by regular rabbis or rebbetzins are helpful.

But I can't help noticing that ultimately, nothing comes close to the original works written by the true Sages.

Sebas Ribas

A post on atheistic thinking:
The Infinite Puzzle of the Universe

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The REAL Meaning Behind "A Kosher Wife Performs the Will of Her Husband"

4/6/2017

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Unfortunately, the idea of “Ishah kashera osah ratzon baalah—A kosher wife does the will of her husband” has been used as a stick with which to club Jewish women over the head.

Twisting legitimate Jewish sources out of context is also a really good way to catapult people off the derech. If God comes off as so unfair and uncompassionate, and if Judaism really does hate and demean women, then it must all be neither true nor good, chas v'shalom.

Furthermore, any fool can see that merely following your husband blindly never guarantees blessing and marital harmony.

How many times have you seen submissive wives end up being browbeaten by their ungrateful husbands for their rest of their lives—despite their kowtowing to all his demands?
How many times have you seen women go along with their husband’s poor decisions under the impression that being an ishah kasherah will make everything work out in the end, only to find themselves in impossible situations, like children going off the derech and a whole slew of other problems that could have easily been prevented by NOT following the wishes of the misguided husband?
How many families do you know in which the children resent or outright reject their mother BECAUSE she catered to and supported their dysfunctional father under the impression that presenting a united front and blindly following his will (just like a good little kosher wifey!) would bring her blessing, no matter how dysfunctional and warped the family’s situation?

Finally, nearly all the great women featured in Tanach did NOT follow their husbands blindly.

Some even opposed their husband outright (like Sara Imeinu) or went behind his back (like Rivka Imeinu)—and all for the sake of Heaven, and not their own egos.

Others took a proactive approach to guide their husband on the right path (like Devorah as the wife of Lapidot) and still others acted in a combination of the above (like the wife of On ben Pelet).

The most seemingly submissive of the Torah's exemplary women was Queen Esther who followed Mordechai's every directive, but she did so not as his wife, but as a Jew following the wisdom of the gadol hador. Furthermore, she did question his judgement at one point, but quickly acquiesced - not out of blind obedience, but because she realized he was right.

Only Naomi blindly followed her husband (following him out of Eretz Yisrael to Moav) and the Sages criticize her for doing so!
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Anyway, most people who quote this verse have no idea of its context.

Perhaps they simply feel pious and helpful when they spew platitudes.

Anyway, there are two sources for this verse:

Tanna D’bei Eliyahu Rabbah 10
Gemara Nedarim 66b

The Kosher Wife of Tanna D’bei Eliyahu Rabbah 10

In Tanna D’bei Eliyahu Rabbah 10, the verse comes at the end of a series of verses that discuss the reasons for the greatness of different Torah personalities.

And it starts off with...Devorah Hanaviah:

ודבורה אשה נביאה (שופטים ד-ד) וכי מה טיבה של דבורה שהיא שפטה את ישראל ומתנבאת עליהם,הלא פנחס בן אלעזר עומד? מעיד אני עלי את השמים ואת הארץ,בין גוי ובין ישראל,בין איש ובין אשה,בין עבד בין שפחה הכל לפי מעשה שעושה-כך רוח הקודש שורה עליו

Devorah was a woman prophetess (Judges 4:4): And what was the winning quality of Devorah in that she judged Yisrael and was prophesying over them? Didn’t Pinchas ben Elazar exist?

I bring the heavens and earth as witnesses to my testimony, whether a goy or a Jew, whether a man or a woman, whether a male slave or a female slave:

Everything goes according to how one performs a deed—in this way, ruach hakodesh rests upon him.

Meaning, it doesn’t matter who or what you are, but how good you are.
You are defined by your deeds, not your status or gender or religion.

So far, so good, right?

Later on that same page, it says:

ומה נשתנו זבולון ונפתלי מכל השבטים כולם שבאתה תשועה גדולה לישראל על ידיהן?אמרו,נפתלי-שימש את יעקב אבינו ומצא הימנו קורת רוח. זבולון-ששימש את יששכר ועשה לו אכסנייה: ועל שבטח ברק באלוקי ישראל והאמין בנביאותה של דבורה,חלקו לו בשירה עמה, שנאמר: ותשר דבורה וברק בן אבינועם (שם ה פס׳ א) ויאמר אליה ברק אם תלכי עמי וגו׳ ותאמר הלוך אלך עמך וגו׳ שם ד פס׳ ח וט׳

And how were Zevulun and Naftali different from all the other Tribes for whom a great salvation was wrought to Yisrael through them? They said Naftali served Yaakov Avinu and found satisfaction. Zevulun served Yissachar and made for him a place of lodging. And because Barak trusted in the God of Yisrael and believed in the prophecy of Devorah, his portion is in song with her…

So because Barak listened to Devorah, he merited a place in her song, Shirat Devorah.

(Is this sounding misogynist yet? Didn’t think so.)

Immediately following this, the "infamous" verse finally appears:

ומה נשתנת אשת חבר הקיני מכל הנשים כולן שבאתה תשועה לישראל על ידיה? אמרו,אשה כשרה הייתה,ועושה רצון בעלה הייתה. מכאן אמרו: אין אשה כשרה אלא העושה רצון בעלה

And how was the wife of Chever the Kinite [Yael] different than all the other women for whom a great salvation was wrought to Yisrael through her? They said: She was a kosher woman and she would do her husband’s will. And from here they said: There is no wife as kosher as one who does her husband’s will.

On the heels of this, a discussion among Sages follows in which the importance and necessity of having a wife is emphasized (“a helpmate to stand him on his feet and a helpmate to illuminate his eyes”) and enumerate a myriad of favors wives do for their husbands.

The Rebbe of Lubavitch wrote the following in Likutei Sichot regarding the above:

"איזוהי אשה כשרה? כל שעושה רצון בעלה" תנא דבי אליהו רבא פ"ט.
שני פירושים למאמר זה.
א. הבעל ברובו של היום אינו בבית, צריכה איפוא האשה "לעשות" את רצון בעלה - להוריד את הרצון לידי עשיה בפועל. לבעל יש רצונות טובים בעניני חינוך הילדים, הכנסת אורחים, נתינת צדקה וכדומה; אך ההוצאה לפועל של רצונות אלו תלויה באשה.
ב. לפעמים, צריכה האשה "לעשות" - ליצור - את רצון בעלה. כשהבעל טרוד מאד וחסר לו הרצון לעשות את הראוי, חייבת האשה, בדרכי נועם ובדרכי שלום, לעשות ולגלות את רצונו הפנימי של הבעל, שהרי כל יהודי רוצה לעשות רצון קונו...
(משיחת ש"פ בלק תשכ"ב - לקו"ש ד עמ' 1069)

English Translation (emphases mine-MR):

Every Jewish home is a world of its own in which is manifest all the Ten Sefiros.[296] Just as within the supernal Sefiros and within the powers of our soul, there is an advantage to Binah over Chochmah (despite the fact that Binah receives influence from Chochmah), so too, within the Jewish home, there is a dimension of supremacy to the woman's position.
And the woman's position in the home reflects the functioning of these Sefiros. The Sefirah of Binah receives influence from Chochmah, and conveys that influence to the emotional attributes. So too, a woman receives direction from her husband, as indicated by our Sages' statement:[297] "Who is a proper wife? One that fulfills her husband's will." Nevertheless, the actual functioning of the home including the education of the children, hospitality to guests, generous gifts to tzedakah and the like are all the women's province.
A man is not at home during the major part of the day. He is busy with Torah study and prayer, or earning a livelihood. For his will to be "fulfilled," manifest in actual life, he must rely on his "proper wife."
Moreover, the Hebrew word translated as "fulfilled" osah also means "make." At times, a "proper wife" "makes her husband's will."[298] For there are times when the pressures and difficulties he faces drain him, and hinder him from desiring the correct things. At that time, "his proper wife" should in a gentle and pleasant manner mold her husband's will, coaxing to the surface the desire to fulfill G-d's will that lies within the heart of every Jew.[299]
"When a husband and wife are worthy, the Divine Presence rests among them."[300] When a Jewish home is conducted as "a Sanctuary in microcosm,"[301] the Divine Presence rests within. And since the "Divine Presence rests within," "no evil will dwell among you."[302] On the contrary, He will grant only good, overt and apparent good, as manifest in abundant blessings for children, health, and prosperity.

So the word "osah" can mean do, perform, manifest, or make. It depends.

Regardless, we see nothing here commanding a woman to be a blind, subservient slave to her husband’s every whim.

Now, let’s go on to the Gemara Nedarim 66b.

The Kosher Wife of Gemara Nedarim 66b

Here's the story so many women secretly and mistakenly hate:

בר בבל דסליק לארעא דישראל נסיב איתתא אמר לה בשילי לי תרי טלפי בשילה ליה תרי טלפי רתח עלה למחר אמר לה בשילי לי גריוא בשילה ליה גריוא אמר לה זילי אייתי לי תרי בוציני אזלת ואייתי ליה תרי שרגי אמר לה זילי תברי יתהון על רישא דבבא הוה יתיב בבא בן בוטא אבבא וקא דאין דינא אזלת ותברת יתהון על רישיה אמר לה מה הדין דעבדת אמרה ליה כך ציוני בעלי אמר את עשית רצון בעליך המקום יוציא ממך שני בנים כבבא בן בוטא
[נדרים, סו ב].

A Babylonian [Jew] went up to Eretz Yisrael.
He married a woman.
He said to her, "Cook for me 2 lentils" [meaning, a small amount of lentils].
She cooked for him 2 lentils [literally].
He got hotly angry at her.
The next day, he said to her, “Cook for me a large amount.”
She cooked for him a large amount [an enormous amount that one person could not possibly eat all of]
He said to her, “Go, bring me 2 בוציני/watermelons/squash/zucchinis.”
[This was the meaning of בוציני in Babylonian Aramaic.]
She went and brought him 2 candles/lamps. [Which is what בוציני meant in Eretz Yisrael’s Aramaic]
[At this point, he gets very frustrated and lashes out in sarcasm.] “Go break them on the head of the gate!”
Baba ben Buta was sitting at the gate and he was judging Jewish law and she broke them on his head.
He said, “What is this you have done?”
She said to him, “My husband commanded me thus.”
He said, “You have done the will of your husband. May God bring out from you 2 sons like Baba ben Buta.” [Meaning that he blessed her to merit to 2 sons like this tremendous Sage.]

Now, aside from the fact that English translations of the Gemara always come out as highly amusing, a superficial reading of the above makes it sound like you can sin however you want as long as you are sinning on the command of your husband.

But that’s not so.

(After all, that excuse didn’t let Naomi off the hook, did it?)

If you look at this story within the context of the rest of the daf, you’ll see that it is merely one in a series of stories demonstrating the self-nullification and humility of the Sages, especially for the sake of others’ shalom bayit/marital harmony.

Meaning, the focus and point of this story is to show how far an other people should go to facilitate harmony between a husband and wife. It is also a lesson in Azamra, as with the other stories in this daf, of the act of finding a merit within otherwise appalling behavior or an otherwise repellent person.

And in response to her abusive, degrading behavior, he blessed her!
(Which is exactly what true tzaddikim do, not because they are suckers, but because they realize that a knucklehead is merely an agent of God, and not acting completely on his or her own.)

In fact, the Ran comments:

שני בנים כבבא - כנגד תרין שרגי ואייתי הכא האי עובדא לאשמועינן חסידותיה דבבא בן בוטא כי היכי דאייתי הכא עובדא דרבן שמעון בן גמליאל ודרבי ישמעאל

Two sons like Baba: Like two lights and it brings here this story to teach of of the piety of Baba ben Buta, as was with the story of Rabban Shimon ben Gamliel and Rebbi Yishmael [the other two Sages on this same daf who also displayed humility and goodness regarding the shalom bayit of others].

So again, its main lesson is about the spiritual greatness of the Sages.

For example, if some lady just came up and hit me on the head with two candles (or lamps, as the case may be) for no apparent reason as I was trying to teach fellow Jews halacha, I can’t imagine I would just ask her why she has done that. On the contrary, I imagine myself grabbing the candles out of her hand and breaking them, or yelling at her, or calling for help, or bursting into tears. I certainly wouldn’t respond with equanimity and then find a merit in her behavior.

See? That's why we follow the Sages' example and not mine.

Needless to say, there are still many questions on this story.

Was the woman genuinely unintelligent or was she passive-aggressive?
Did she really think her husband wanted her to knock one of the gadolei hador on the head?
Did she honestly think such a thing was permissible? (I mean, I cannot imagine myself going up to Rav Kanievsky and whacking him on the head with the excuse, “Well, my husband said I really should.”
It's mortifying for the husband for his wife to publicly assault a Sage and then state that her husband told her do so...THAT couldn't possibly have been his will!

The other commentators, like Tosfot and Rashi simply explain that the husband spoke out of anger and the wife understood him to mean something different than he actually meant (meaning that she was acting out of misunderstanding, not craftiness).

Really, the way the mefarshim describe it, it sounds more like a lesson to husbands not to say sarcastic things to their wives in the heat of anger.

The Pele Yoetz and Others on This Verse

To be completely upfront, the Pele Yoetz does bring this verse as a guide to women, and other rabbis also do. Yet the Pele Yoetz also uses it within the context of presenting a whole variety of options to women throughout his book. He doesn’t call upon wives to follow their husbands blindly, and he certainly doesn’t permit a wife to sin at the behest of her husband. On the contrary, he encourages women to defend their own rights in a nurturing and tactful way, and not merely capitulate to the whims of their husband, both for her own convenience and especially for his spiritual benefit, like to save him from Gehinnom.

Final Lessons from the Sages about a Wife & Her Husband's Will

So to sum up how a woman should understand the concept of "A kosher woman performs the will of her husband":

It depends.

Sometimes a woman must be assertive against her husband (for his own good).
Sometimes a woman needs to influence her husband against the will of his seichel and emotions to fulfill the deeper will of his soul.
Sometimes a woman needs to nurture and fulfill her husband's wishes when he can't.
Sometimes a woman needs to follow his opinion in opposition to her own.

A woman needs to use her chachmah and binah, her wisdom and insight, to decide upon the best course of action in regard to her husband.

Blind subservience has no place in a Jewish marriage; Chazal is clear about this.

Involving God via lots of prayer and heart-to-heart talks help the most with developing proper chachmah and binah.
___________
And please don't forget the other big lesson from this Gemara:
Forgo your own kavod for the sake of another couple's shalom bayit!
__________
And the final lesson?

For the love of God, PLEASE STOP WARPING THE WORDS OF THE SAGES AND THE TORAH TO SERVE AS A BATTERING RAM FOR YOUR OWN AGENDA AND EGO!

Actually, dear reader - no offense to you personally. YOU are probably not the one warping things around...

In Closing...

Well, I hope this clarifies things. My Aramaic is pretty poor, but I did the best I could and my husband generously helped me when he was available to do so. (He learns full-time and works almost full-time, so his time at home is understandably limited.)

It would’ve been much better if someone genuinely qualified to understand Gemara would have taken this on, but I just never saw that anyone did.
(And yes, I asked a couple of people about this.)
If you're qualified to know, then please hop aboard and correct or add onto anything written here.
__________
And the next time someone tries to use this wonderful concept to shame you or confuse you or demean you or make God and Judaism look bad, you’ll know how they’re wrong and why.

May we all merit true understanding of the words of our Torah and our Sages.

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How to REALLY Daven for Your Husband

30/5/2017

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One thing I found very frustrating when listening to perturbed wives was that therapists or advisers often labeled these tormented wives as “self-serving” or told these long-suffering women that “you only care about yourself” because of the wife’s insistence that her husband change behaviors that were causing her a lot of pain.

“You only want him to change for you,” these wives were told. “You don’t really care about him.”

The thing is, it’s almost impossible to separate one’s personal interest from the bad behavior of one’s spouse. If a husband’s behavior is causing enormous distress to the wife, then how can she filter out her own self-interest from her desire for him to change?

Furthermore, maybe she really doesn’t care about him so much at this point. If he’s been consistently distressing her, maybe she just wants him to knock it off and let her live in peace. Maybe she’s concerned about how his behavior is affecting the kids. Maybe she wouldn’t mind getting divorced, but doesn’t feel like the hassle is worth it.

What then?

The thing is, I understand what these well-meaning-yet-pretentious advisers mean. And technically, they’re right: Ideally, we should be focused on what’s good for the other person, and not just what’s more comfortable or pleasant for us.

Why Even the Most Caring Nagging Doesn't Work

Additionally, you can sense if a person is encouraging you to change because it’s better for you or because it’s better for them. And believe me, if a person is asking you to change for their own convenience, you feel like they’re just cramming you in a box and don’t care about you at all.

This makes you dig in your heels even more.

For example, picture a smoker being nagged by his wife about how bad his smoking smells and how much it bothers her and makes her cough. When that doesn’t work, she explains the damage smoking causes him (as if he didn’t know), which just sounds manipulative to him. He knows that it’s her own discomfort she cares about. Later on, she tells him how smoking can harm their children.

“Nu,” he says, “so I won’t smoke near their bedrooms. Anyway, all the pollution from the cars and factories outside is worse than a couple of cigarettes in the home. Maximum, I’ll open a window or bring home one of those air-cleaner things. What’s the big deal?”

Even if the wife in the above example starts off with the damage smoking causes him, rather than the discomfort it causes her, he can still sense that she’s bothered by the way his smoking affects her, and not just bothered by his potential suffering.

Finally, the wife in the above example is absolutely right: Her husband should stop smoking!

But he won’t.

The Benefit of Compassion...for You

And the above is just one example. There are husbands who really could be learning more, eat too much of the wrong thing, irresponsible and immature husbands, husbands who do drugs, are involved in criminal activities, fly into rages, neglect their wife and children, laze around like a good-for-nothing, constantly kvetch and whine like second-graders, suffer from mental illness and refuse to get help, act like helpless pansies, flirt (if not worse) with other women, spend their free time looking at things they shouldn’t, are critical and demanding, are addicted to something, and a whole variety of behaviors, whether minor or major.

And the wife is absolutely right to demand that a husband change in any of the above areas—both for hers and children’s sake and for his.

Many times, a wife gets someone else to talk to the husband, but this often bears mixed results.

For such a difficult husband, the Pele Yoetz recommends that she try talking to him herself:

…at an eit ratzon [a favorable time] in a pleasant manner, with charm and kindness, this certainly bears more fruits because in truth, they said, “A soft tongue will break a bone.” (Mishlei/Proverbs 25:16)

(Note: Rashi interprets “soft tongue” as “with prayer and supplications” and “bone” as “the severity of a decree.” So according to Rashi, the verse reads: “Prayer and supplication will break the severity of a decree.”)

Yet it’s rare that any of the above types change their behavior just because their wife says it’s hurting her.

Similarly, the Pele Yoetz makes no promises and it’s clear that the above is just a suggestion that is likely to be more effective (“certainly bears more fruits”) than other actions the wife can take, yet the Pele Yoetz ultimately encourages a wife to turn to Hashem as the most effective action:

Included in the love of a woman for her husband is that she should pray for him before God. Since the prayer of a woman emanates from her tender heart and her tears are near, if she calls out to God from the innermost walls of her heart, certainly her prayers will bear fruits.

A woman must also pray for her children because in the well-being of her husband and children, she will find peace and well-being.

And who will have pity on them more than she?

(Note: The word translated here as “pity” is “l’chus” or לחוס, which doesn’t have an ideal English equivalent, but it’s more empathetic and less pathetic than “pity” implies.)

But how can a wife actually filter out a chunk of her own self-interest in order daven for her husband’s well-being? How can she pray for her husband’s well-being from a place of pity and compassion for him?

First of all, the Pele Yoetz assumes a wife feels profound love and compassion for her husband, even though not all wives do today, especially if a wife has been struggling with consistently hurtful behavior from her husband.

And frankly, I don’t know how to tell a wife to feel this way if the feelings just aren’t there. (And like I said, those tender feelings of love and compassion simply may not be there through no fault of her own.)

Judaism is a lot about action and being proactive, whether spiritually or practically. So I think this is a situation where explaining things isn’t very helpful. On the contrary, it’s smarter and more effective to just start doing it, and then you’ll see how it works and how your inner feelings and attitude change.

Needless to say, it’s easier to make this transition if your husband is basically a decent guy, but just has some annoying traits that are holding him back from being his best. If your husband is a real ogre, you may not be able to cultivate these lofty feelings, but the davening can still be very helpful for you to achieve a better outcome, whether that outcome is shalom bayit or divorce or something else.

Like I said in a previous article How to be a REALLY Good Wife, we don’t know all the tikkunim for which God put us here. And it’s certainly difficult to know what other people need to rectify and how. So all this is meant to be helpful, but even the Pele Yoetz himself doesn’t guarantee a desired outcome.

He merely says that davening is often extremely effective and that he expects it to be effective within marriage too, but some people do suffer here a lot despite their best spiritual efforts and that’s impossible to deny.

Tips on Davening for Your Husband’s Sake

Start off with something that benefits him, but has no connection to you.
It doesn't matter how ridiculous or insignificant it seems.

Here are some suggestions:

He should have clear traffic any time he travels
Green lights at every intersection
A geshmak learning session
Any elevator should always arrive for him immediately
Finding favor in the eyes of everyone he meets
No technical malfunctions
Not getting caught in the rain
His shoes should be really comfortable
He should always be in a shady spot (whether cloud-cover or a tree) when outside in the sun
Your own idea

Now, if your husband is the kind of guy who takes out his frustration with traffic on you or the kids, then of course you do have personal interest in the above going well for him. That’s also fine.

Spiritual efforts tend to be about what you can do, and not pretending to be on a level or in a situation where you aren’t.

The point is to just start taking even the smallest steps in the ideal direction.

In addition to the davening, when doing the above, you’ll usually notice a change in yourself, however slight. You’ll start to feel more altruistic toward your husband in some way and this is good.

Even if your husband is genuinely a big problem, it’s much healthier and maintains your personal equilibrium to feel pained on his behalf (especially if he is too sunk in his own bad middot to be pained on his own behalf) and go in emuna with Hashem rather than:
“I hate this big, stupid jerk. Why can’t God have married me to a normal person?” or “Men stink.”

The Pele Yoetz also recommends maintaining the awareness that your husband's problems or bad middot aren't your problem, per se, and therefore, his badness doesn't reflect on you personally.

I want to emphasize that self-interest isn’t necessarily bad. The Pele Yoetz certainly acknowledges that a wife can and should also daven for her own self-interest.

A Summary of Principles

Looking around and listening, there does seem to be a lack of genuine compassion in a lot of marriages and a lack of real heartfelt davening—which is actually a problem in every aspect of a Jew’s life today, not just marriage.

Also, I don’t know who I’m talking to. In such a wide audience, you’re going to have a variety of situations.

For example, I’ve personally encountered:

wives married to decent husbands who don’t appreciate their husband's decency.
wives married to really good men with much better middot than the wife and the wife doesn’t see it at all (and thus treats him like dirt)
Problematic wives married to problematic husbands (but she thinks she’s basically fine and that he is the only real problem)
wives who know they need to and genuinely try to improve their general character married to duds, jerks, or ogres
wives with exemplary character married to ogres

…and much more.

So the above advice is based on classic Torah sources and personal observations and experiences, but may need to be tweaked to fit your individual circumstance.

What works for one person will not necessarily work for you and vice versa.

In other words, this post offers general principles based on Chazal and not modern psychology, which frees you to adjust any advice therein to suit your own tikkunim and current spiritual level and to keep growing at the pace set for you by God.

The main thing is that you merit to do whatever is the right thing for your personal situation.

To paraphrase a nice prayer appearing in many siddurim:
May Hashem help us all to complete our rectifications in this lifetime without trials or disgrace.

Photo courtesy of Mark Lord Photography

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How to REALLY be a Good Wife

28/5/2017

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When I was first getting married, I happily took in lots of advice.

I wanted to be as close to achieving the perfect frum wifely ideal as possible!

And all the advice sounded very good.

And I was very idealistic.

But it didn’t always work out well. In fact, like with some of the parenting advice I received later, some of the marital advice seemed to backfire.

When I young and newly married, one rebbetzin insisted that good communication demanded that I force my husband to parrot back everything I tell him (well, not everything…just the stuff I felt necessary for him to understand and remember). I was really uncomfortable with this because it seemed very condescending. When I tentatively shared my hesitancy with the rebbetzin, she seemed confounded.

“Whyyyy?” she said in that creepy, utterly perplexed, vowel-dragging intonation some rabbis and rebbetzins adopt when being questioned.

So I very hesitantly explained, asking her if maybe it could be interpreted as condescending?

She looked dumbstruck. “Whyyyy would he ever consider such a thing con-de-sceeeending?” she asked.

Suddenly, the implication seemed to be that there was something wrong with my husband, not with the method. I felt really bad that I’d inadvertently engaged in a form of lashon hara about my own husband.

Intimidated by her and disoriented by the sudden turn in the conversation, I tried to stammer out my thoughts on the matter, but I didn’t want to offend her. After all, she was a very chashuv person and she was taking the time to help out little ol’ me.

She replied by saying, “Well, I can’t think of what could possibly be condescending about asking a person to do that!” She paused, then said, “Ohhhh…maybe for a Sephardi man, you feel it’s condescending? Because his kavod is very important to him?”
Oh, this was just getting worse. No, that’s not what I was thinking at all! Now this conversation was turning into lashon hara about a whole group!

“No,” I said. “No, it’s not that at all.”

My mind rushed to find a good explanation. The truth is that I couldn’t imagine my 3rd-generation American liberal Ashkenazi father responding well to my mother telling him to parrot back whatever she just said, as if he was some kind of errant kindergartener or something. But I didn’t want to have my words twisted into lashon hara about my father—it was bad enough that it happened regarding my husband. Anyway, why was this suddenly turning into a cultural issue?

I took a deep breath and gave it my best shot:
“The truth is, I don’t think…um…I’m not sure if I would like to be talked to like that either… I mean, if someone would want to make sure I understood them, I…I’m not sure if I’d understand why they’d need me to do it like that. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say…”

Not terribly coherent, of course, but I was trying my best. By using myself as the example, I meant to convey that this wasn’t a gender or cultural issue. See, Ms. Rebbetzin? Even an Ashkenazi female might find it condescending.

Yet now the rebbetzin turned her beady eye on me. “Ohhhhh,” she said, knowingly—and distastefully. “Well.”

I squirmed. Apparently, I must be a gaavadik piece of dirt to consider something so innocuous to be so condescending.

(Now I know better, but that was then.)

Anyway, after some more melodramatic vowel-dragging, she convinced me that the method was just fine, if only I’d just get over my own (gaavah-based) reservations.

My perceptions were wrong, hers were right.

She was the big important FFB rebbetzin married to a chashuv rav and I was just a young stupid baal teshuvah girl from America.

She didn’t say that outright, but the message was clear. (And it was a common message I heard repeatedly from all different rabbis and rebbetzins in different versions throughout the years.)

So next time my husband and I needed to sort some things out, I took a deep breath and asked him to repeat back to me what I just said.

And guess what? There really is no nice and uncondescending way to do exactly this.

And guess what? He was offended! And he didn’t know what I wanted from him.

Finally, I apologized and explained where I got it from and he just sighed and grumbled something about interfering rebbetzins.

In the end, he wasn't upset with me, he was upset with her.

Newsflash! Rabbis are For Chickens

My husband never was into this whole running to a rav or rebbetzin for every little thing. He didn’t grow up with it and he never saw anyone doing it in his Moroccan community. People went to the graves of tzaddikim to pray or to the tzaddikim themselves to receive blessings and get advice for truly complex halachic issues—but not day-to-day stuff.

As his mother once told me, “In Morocco, we [Jewish women] didn’t go ask rabbis and rebbetzins all the time—we already knew all by ourselves!”

She also meant that women turned to other women who intimately knew and cared about them for advice and even halachic direction.

(Just as an aside, my mother-in-law was also perplexed that women needed official sessions with a certified instructor to learn about taharat hamishpacha. You do need proper instruction for the actual halacha of it, but the hashkafic aspects of these classes can be problematic…)

Several Ashkenazi Yerushalmi women told me, “We have a saying: ‘Rabbis are for chickens!’ "

What??!!!

They explained:
"If you have a specific question about Jewish law (like a question about the kashrus of a chicken you’re preparing to eat), you ask a rabbi. But advice? How can he know what you—especially a woman!—is supposed to do? Is he in your situation? Is he in your head? Does he know what you experience? How can he really know what you need to do?”

But I’d been indoctrinated that consulting with rabbis and rebbetzins for advice (not halacha, but mere advice) is the age-old Jewish tradition (it’s not) and that something terrible will happen if I don't consult with someone greater and wiser than I (not true).

So it was hard to let go of.

Anyway, I went back to the rebbetzin and as tactfully as I could, explained what happened. She was nonplussed to hear that her method was indeed found insulting.

“Ahhhh,” she said sagely. “I guess it’s because he’s Sephaaaardi. Noooow, I understand. Okay. Everything’s clear. This just won’t work with Sephardi men; they can’t handle it. Okay, fine. I just learned something new.”

It’s seems so ridiculous that I fell for her garbage back then.
It’s such obviously passive-aggressive sniping and sinat chinam.

We're the Chosen People, Not the Cloned People

Another problem is all the “advice” and “shitahs” (methods) and taking verses out of context and misapplying Gemaras and blah, blah, blah.

It really messes with your head.

ESPECIALLY the verses and Gemaras taken out of context and skewed to fit the speaker’s agenda. Many, if not most, of the people quoting stuff supposedly about and for women have not actually looked into how the mefarshim themselves interpret these sources.

In addition, for a lot of things, but especially for child-rearing and marriage, two people cannot apply the same whole chunk of advice or shitah.

Yes, many people offering courses and classes and advice really do want to help. And yes, you can definitely pick up some good stuff in what they have to offer.

But you’ll also get some head-wrecking stuff in the mix.

And depending on you, your spouse, your child(ren), and your specific situation (health, finances, community, or anything else), the stuff that worked wonders for someone else may slam you into an abyss that is very hard to scrape out of.

We’re all too different and even more essentially, we all have different tikkunim to rectify via our relationships and roles in life.

In a nutshell, you aren't necessarily supposed to be doing what your neighbor is doing and she's not necessarily supposed to be doing what you're supposed to be doing.

Don't Trust Agendas...Trust God!

But I learned with time.

At this point, I’m very, very picky about shiurim and what I read. It’s very hard to be a rabbi or rebbetzin and I know because I’ve actually been a rebbetzin for a blessedly short time. And, to put it politely, it’s extremely challenging to maintain your spiritual equilibrium in such a position. (I’m not talking about gadolei hador, but regular rabbis and rebbetzins of a community, pulpit, or kiruv.)

Baruch Hashem, God made many of these people so unbearable that I ended up turning directly to Him and to classic Torah sources (like Duties of the Heart and so on) in way I wouldn't have otherwise.

And because Western society has become increasingly agenda-driven, it’s hard for people from such societies to keep their agendas off their hashkafah.
(Getting agenda-free takes a lot of emuna and self-awareness. Ask me how I know...)

And the following is very important to realize:
The classic Torah books and commentaries were written by tzaddikim.
Your rabbi or rebbetzin may be a good person (or maybe not...), but it is VERY unlikely that he or she is a tzaddik.

So who is actually going to impart to you true wisdom?

The tzaddik?
Or the guy with a certificate that only proves he's got good academic skills...and his wife?

So, with a few exceptions, I try to stick to stuff that was written a couple of centuries or more ago. And I’m much happier now!

Anyway...what are wives supposed to be doing?

Davening! Praying! Tefillah!

When I read original sources written by tzaddikim a century or more ago, this is what they emphasize for women: tefillah.

Yes, they also talk about actual behavioral things, like nurturing, honoring, and forgiving your husband, and treating him with patience.

(And their standards for how husbands should treat their wives are even higher their standards are for wives. But we’re talking about the wifely role right now.)

At the same time, the Sages were also very aware that there are difficult, temperamental, and even abusive husbands.

(For example, the Pele Yoetz states that in the case of a very abusive husband, it is “fitting for whoever has the authority to punish [the abusive husband] to the best of their ability” and that it is important to help an abused wife get divorced if that’s what she wants because it is “a great mitzvah” to “save the oppressed from the hand of their oppressors.”)

Regardless of how good or successful he is or isn't, the Sages emphasize davening for your husband.
Rav Eliezer Papo in particular expounds on this in Pele Yoetz:

She should pour out her soul before God day after day. Perhaps God will be gracious and her prayers will bear fruits to return her husband to the good path. Then she too will find menucha/rest.

Included in the love of a woman for her husband is that she should pray for him before God. Since the prayer of a woman emanates from her tender heart and her tears are near, if she calls out to God from the innermost walls of her heart, certainly her prayers will bear fruits.

A woman must also pray for her children because in the well-being of her husband and children, she will find peace and well-being.

And who will have pity on them more than she?

(And in a later book, he composed special prayers for wives to pray for their husbands.)

Rav Papo's words are very moving.

It doesn’t matter whether your husband is best thing that ever happened to you or if he’s just a heavy millstone around your neck or anything in between.

A wife’s tefillah for her husband is so incredibly powerful.

Even if you're very happy in your marriage and couldn't ask for more, you should still daven for the welfare of your husband in his life and health.

Notice that the Pele Yoetz assumes that no one can feel more compassion for a woman’s husband and children than she.

Not her husband’s rav, not his siblings, not his best friends, not his rosh yeshivah, and not even his own parents--HER.

This isn't always true, of course, but it often is true.

So if your husband is doing well, you can talk to Hashem about him succeeding even more. And if your husband is faltering in some area—whether it’s his livelihood, his physical health, his mental health, his character, his Torah learning, his spirituality, or anything else—you can have some heart-to-heart talks with Hashem about that.

You both benefit.

Now, it needs to be acknowledged: We don’t know what our tikkunim are exactly.

Oftentimes, pouring out your heart to Hashem leads to improved circumstances in your marriage, but sometimes it results in a divorce with a happy second marriage later on.
But then again, some people don’t seem to get a break.
There are no guarantees.

But looking around, I do see that turning to Hashem on behalf of your husband is much more effective in every way than all these books and classes and “experts.”

May Hashem grant feelings of true love and unity throughout the entire Jewish Nation.

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Special Sukkot Yahrtzeits

18/10/2016

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The yahrtzeit of Rebbe Nachman ben Simcha and Feiga (1772-1810) of Breslov falls on 18 Tishrei, Wednesday night to Thursday night.

The yahrtzeit of Rav Eliezer (ben Yitzchak) Papo (1785-1826), the author of the Pele Yoetz falls on 20 Tishrei, Friday night to Saturday.

Free audio classes and English translations of chapters of the Pele Yoetz can be found here.

Free downloads of Rebbe Nachman's lessons and stories can be found here.

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Women Then vs. Now: It's Not as Different as They Seem to Think

15/6/2016

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While I was always a bit uncomfortable with people who dismissed significant parts of Judaism with "We can't/don't do that nowadays" or "That was then, but today, things are different", it took me a long time to realize how wrong they often were.

This is done particularly in regard to women.

And while yes, certain things are very different for women now, it doesn't mean that we can or should disregard our Sages as much as many otherwise frum Jews tend to do in this area. (And this disregard comes from a lack of understanding, and not any intentional disrespect.)

I'm just going to focus on one small example of this. (There are much bigger and thornier ones.)

I once heard the story of a rabbi who wished to repair the problem of the lashon hara sometimes spoken by the women of his household and community.

As a rabbi and a father/husband, it is his halachic responsibility to oversee the halachic observance of his home and his community. He also wanted to do so in a palatable manner, which is also his halachic obligation.

So far, so good.

But his conclusion was that the women in his community needed a kosher outlet for lashon hara. So he encouraged his wife and her friends to read kosher (and I think secular) literature so that they could trash-talk the characters in the books rather than slander actual people.

And this was presented as a bright solution.

And it always bothered me, but I didn't know why.
(At the same time, a part of me also liked the idea, but wasn’t sure why, either.)
After all, aren’t we always looking for kosher ways to express our talents and utilize our skills?

Not All Outlets are Created Equally
Then I got it: There is no need for lashon hara nor that which sparks it.
The very root of lashon hara is bad. That isn’t true of talents or skills.

Yes, a female singer legitimately needs a kosher outlet to perform or record.
Singing can be used in spiritual and positive ways.

Yes, a frum intellectual needs to find a kosher outlet for his or her intellect.
Intellect can be used in spiritual and positive ways.

However, the very roots of lashon hara are fault-finding, arrogance, the craving to feel superior by depicting others as inferior, etc. And these are very bad things that one should not indulge in, even casually. Chazal speaks very sharply about these traits.

This explains my initial ambivalence toward the idea:
My yetzer hara liked it, but my yetzer tov did not.

The Rabbis Who Did It Right
Here are some positive examples given by some of our greatest Sages:
_______________
The Ben Ish Chai (Baghdad, 1835-1909)
Toward the end of the Ben Ish Chai's Laws for Women, he presents a series of riddles for women to solve. Addressing his fellow Jewesses as "dear ladies" and "noble daughters of fine lineage," the Ben Ish Chai explains how he created these riddles in order to give Jewish women something constructive to discuss, something which avoids lashon hara and idle chatter. Furthermore, the riddles and their solutions are based on Jewish concepts and are not mere mind-candy. As the Ben Ish Chai states, the riddles are meant to "sharpen wits" and to "be of great benefit." Interestingly, he advises women to solve them together with her husband and children.

Why didn't he just advise women to read 1001 Arabian Nights and then discuss the characters as an "outlet" for lashon hara? I'm sure they could have dished out some good dirt regarding Sinbad the Sailor. Why did the Ben Ish Chai decide to completely replace the women's lashon hara with an intellectually and spiritually beneficial exercise?
_________________
The Kli Yakar (Bohemia, 1550-1619)
In Parshat Yitro, the Kli Yakar clearly describes the necessity of women knowing and internalizing Torah values and halachot as much as men, even though in his time, most women were illiterate and not considered to possess the same intellectual capability as men (although he clearly considered them to possess very high spiritual capabilities and wisdom; wisdom being different than intellect). But he obviously felt strongly that one absolutely must give Torah over to a woman in the way she'll best absorb it - and he derived this from God Himself.
______________
The Pele Yoetz (1785-1828)
The Pele Yoetz advises us to raise our daughters to accustom themselves to "less conversation" while at the same time encouraging daughters to speak copiously with Hashem and to learn to read and write "in order that she learn to bless, pray, to learn the holy books that have been translated, and to fear God."

At a time when book-printing was less common and more expensive, he also thought it was a good idea for girls to write out their own copy of a prayer book so that they had a copy of their own. These are are all fine ways for a Jewish female to spend her time when she doesn't have anything else meaningful to do or discuss. Notice, he didn't say that women and girls must completely forgo conversations or cut their speech down to their bare basics, but just to habituate themselves to "less" conversation.
_________________

A Portrait of a Letz

A Woman is Not a Letz
Furthermore, Chazal repeatedly warns against engaging in mindless chatter. David Hamelech emphasizes this in the very first chapter of Tehillim when he warns us against sitting in a gathering of letzim. (The Malbim describes a letz as "inactive, doesn’t do any evil, but doesn’t do any good, either. Just pursues wind and nothingness and frivolousness and jokes; doesn’t involve himself with Torah.")

And while it seems that more leeway is given to women than to men in this regard, it is by no means a free pass. While a woman needn't probe the depths of Sefer Yetzirah in every conversation (although she can if she wants), at the same time, a woman also doesn't need to spend her hours blabbering "wind and nothingness and frivolousness."

The Innate Demands of Major Multi-Tasking and Verbal Expression
I do want to add here that, of course, women possess an innate need for more verbal expression than men. And it is an actual need, as demonstrated by Chazal when they stated said that out of 10 parts of the tongue, Hashem gave women 9 parts—which can be used constructively or not. So Hashem gave this to women for a good reason and it doesn't seem like the standards Chazal set for men apply in the same measure to women.

Furthermore, the sheer amount of details, tasks, and weighty responsibilities that permeate a woman's day, plus the fact that a mother may be in a serious long-term phase of sleep deprivation, make it harder to concentrate and focus on heavy, deep topics.

But a certain amount of speech-refinement can still be beneficial and possible.
It has to do with balance and each woman being honest with herself about her individual and varying needs and capabilities at any given time of her life.

The Prejudice of Soft Expectations
There is the prejudice of soft expectations. A rabbi who comes to such a “novel” solution is revealing something about his core attitudes toward women and their capabilities.
There is also a certain arrogance in modern Western society regarding the Torah, that we know better and “things are different now”—particularly in regard to women.
Yet we see that the expectations our Sages held regarding female character surpass those of the 20th-century rabbi.

Again, I really can't deny how often Jewish sources say to avoid mindless chatter. Even commonly acceptable topics, like discussing politics and news at length, is discouraged. And these sources explain why such talk is harmful. So if you truly care about the women in your life, why would you actively encourage them to engage in it?

Internalize Torah as Much as You Can
I absolutely believe that the above-mentioned rabbi truly felt he was doing a positive thing.

Yet had he truly internalized Torah values—including an authentic view of women—he likely would have arrived at a solution similar to that of the Sages mentioned above. Or he could have just looked into the Shulchan Aruch or the Pele Yoetz (who describes at length in several chapters how a man must oversee his home and how he can do so pleasantly) or have utilized a similar Sagely guide to see how he should proceed.

But we live in a very murky culture.

And while no one can ever be perfect, the more we internalize Torah values, the less likely we are to provide non-Jewish solutions for Jewish problems and then present them with a kosher stamp of approval.

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Myrtle Rising

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