​In our times, yirat Shamayim — fear of Heaven — has become underrated and underappreciated.

In some cases, it's even despised.
 
True, great tzaddikim have been saying for generations that our generations cannot handle the pious fear expected of our ancestors.
 
But that doesn’t mean that yirah — yirat Shamayim and yirat Hashem and yirat ha'onesh (fear of Heavenly punishment) — should be ignored completely.

There is way too much emphasis throughout Tanach & Chazal to dismiss the necessity of yirah.

Particularly if you read or hear about those who’ve suffered in the Afterlife, whether in Rav Yehudah Petiyah’s stories in Minchat Yehudah or Rabbi Alon Anava’s near-death experience or anything else — and how even a moment of sincere regret could have saved them so much suffering — we need to realize that there is indeed a Judge and Judgement.
 
Personally, there have been times when I refrained from doing or saying something only because the works of tzaddikim repeatedly emphasized the fact that I’ll eventually need to face the consequences of my negative actions.
 
Furthermore, so much of Judaism, whether Tehillim or anything else, emphasizes how deeply Hashem probes your true motivations. You can fool others (or think you're fooling others) and you can fool yourself, but Hashem knows the real reason why you decided to do what you did.
 
For example, there are times I really wanted to indulge in lashon hara, but the idea of facing that particularly odious sin later kept my words muzzled. Sure, I could lie to myself and invent some kind of toelet, a beneficial reason, but Hashem knows the truth and deep down, so do I.
 
Having said that, many people are inspired by the idea that for every moment you refrain from indulging in particularly gratifying lashon hara, you create a light that even high angels cannot perceive. I’m inspired by that too.

​But sometimes, the fear aspect makes a better muzzle.
 
It depends.

It also depends on your individual personality and what you personally need to bring out the best of your soul-potential.

Excessive fear and harsh atonements have been discouraged by some of our greatest, like the Arizal.
 
In the chapter on Teshuvah, the Pele Yoetz explains in the name of the Arizal that the little done in our generation is considered like the great performed in previous generations.
 
Why?
 
The klippah (the external spiritually negative "shell") is stronger and our sins are stronger, making us weaker.
 
In Chulin 84a, Chazal writes: “Father was from a healthy family, but we need to borrow money and eat well.”
 
This explains it all in a nutshell.
 
Spiritually speaking, we are the weaker, sicker descendants. If we eat minimally like our father from a healthy family, we can become even weaker, sicker, and die, chas v’shalom. So we need to “borrow money and eat well” just to survive.
 
The Pele Yoetz goes on to explain that we are like a man who owes a great debt, goes bankrupt, and lacks the means to pay in full.
 
How can we shoulder such a burden?

The Pele Yoetz advises us to:

• Speak like a poor man (i.e., admit the bankruptcy & impoverishment)
• Show your “accounts” (i.e., “See? This is what I owe, and this and this, and here are my empty coffers.”)
• Continue until your “creditor” agrees that in light of the facts, you should be allowed to pay back over time whenever and as much as you are able — but no more than that because you simply don’t have it.

(Yet you will certainly give what you can when you can.)
 
This is how we should speak with Hashem.
 
Yes, it’s the opposite of our generation’s voices promoting self-assurance, self-praise, self-aggrandizement and self-cheerleading, constantly pumping up ourselves and tweeting/posting our most minor accomplishments.

Yay me! Rah, rah, rah!

(Note: It's possible to serve Hashem with joy & without self-aggrandizement. It's also possible feel joy about a spiritually healthy fear of Hashem. It all goes together.)

​But really, we should be saying to Hashem: “I know I should be doing more and I wish I could do more, but this is my best for now. Please forgive me and please help me. Please give me what I need to make it through.”

And feel happy about that.
 
As the Pele Yoetz concludes:

So we should be patient and understanding with ourselves and others.
 
But not completely ignore the benefit of a spiritually healthy fear of God.

Most of us are familiar with the idea that Shabbat symbolizes the Word to Come while Erev Shabbat symbolizes This World.
 
As the children’s song goes:
“Mi sheh lo tarach b’Erev Shabbat—mah yochal? Mah yochal b’Shabbat?”
“He who didn’t toil during the eve of Shabbat—what will he eat? What will he eat on Shabbat?”
 
Of course, it’s not originally a children’s song.
 
Talmud Avodah Zarah 3a states: “He who didn’t toil during the eve of Shabbat—from where shall he eat on Shabbat?”

(And the phrase prior to that states: “Mi sheh tarach b’Erev Shabbat yochal b’Shabbat—He who toiled during the eve of Shabbat will eat on Shabbat”—it’s a promise.)
 
The well-known symbolism is the promise that whoever toils in This World to prepare for the World to Come will enjoy the fruits of that toil in the World to Come.
 
(Interestingly, it promises this to whomever tarach—toiled—and not to whoever was successful. It sounds as if you struggle as much as you can to do the work, then you’ll reap the rewards. Meaning, you will be rewarded for your efforts and not for your outcome. Nice!) 

So is there something we can learn from our Erev Shabbat preparations that can help us live our life better in This World so as to enable a better place in the World to Come?
 
Yes.
​
To figure this out, you first need to write up a list of whatever you do (or should be doing) to prepare for Shabbat and then see how it correlates to what you can do to prepare for the Ultimate Time of Rest: Olam Haba.

​For example, many people make at least 1 list on Erev Shabbat—a shopping list.
 
Others also keep a check-off list on their fridge to make sure they cover all the tasks necessary before Shabbat (i.e., set the Shabbat timer, turn off the fridge light, plug in the heating plate, etc.).
 
People may have a list of phone calls to wish family members “a Good Shabbos!”
 
And still others make up a schedule. Their to-do list includes the times at which they need to carry out all these tasks.
 
So that could be something you could incorporate into your daily life right now.

​Personally, I feel suffocated by schedules, but a general list of what I’d like to accomplish during the day (in whatever order or at whatever time I wish) helps me accomplish more during the day. It also helps me to see where I’m holding. And checking off whatever I’ve already done is gratifying.
 
It can also show me if I’m overwhelming myself by chomping off more than I can possibly chew and need to scale back or switch things around.
 
A list also helps you keep your eye on your goal. You’re less likely to waste time when you see that you still have a couple more things on your list to complete before bedtime.
 
And because we are focusing on Olam Haba, this list refers to spiritual accomplishments or avodah you’d like to tackle. (Although you could make a list of everything all together. For example, if you plan to daven Mincha before an early shkiah, it’s important to know that you also need to run the carpool that day, then take Malki to her class Shabbaton—meaning, you need to know that you need to daven Mincha as early as possible on that day if you want to daven it at all.)
 
Frankly, I don’t make a list every day. But when I do, it’s usually more effective than just cruising along and hoping I’ll get around to doing whatever I need to.

(Those bold-faced caps are for me, not for you, dear reader. ;-)
 
Whether that means getting up early in the morning, or doing as much as you can on the weekdays leading up to Shabbat, you can’t possibly have a nice relaxed early candle-lighting & a clean home with plenty of delicious food if you only start preparing 2 hours before hadlakat neirot.
 
A last-minute Erev Shabbat tends to usher in a Shabbat with lots of yelling and panicking, followed by complaints throughout Shabbat:

• “Where’s my Shabbat shirt—what do you mean it’s still in the laundry?”
• “Oh, I can’t believe I forgot to plug in the blech! Maybe the neighbors have room on theirs for our pots?”
• “Hey, the light’s still on in the fridge—we can’t close the door!”
• “It’s so depressing to see 2 sinks full of dishes waiting to be washed after Shabbat—and we haven’t even had our first meal yet!”
• “I hate going to shul in dusty muddy shoes, but I didn’t have time to polish them before Shabbat.”
• “I’m hungry—what do you mean there isn’t anything else to eat?”

 
The big secret is that most of us have already suffered through a Shabbat like that already, whether due to Erev Shabbat laziness or unavoidable emergencies.

But barring unforeseen wrenches thrown our way, many of us know what a rushed, disorganized Erev Shabbat is like and we definitely DON’T want our Eternal World blemished with the spiritual equivalent of “I can’t believe I forgot to plug in the blech!”

Chazal says that the yetzer hara dances around a Jewish home on Erev Shabbat, making it very challenging to avoid angry exchanges.

​Our yetzer hara wants us to damage not only our regular soul, but also to damage also the neshamah yeteirah—the extra soul we receive on Shabbat.



(For more, please see: Preserving Your Soul from Anger Erev Shabbat.)

So it’s important to try as hard as we can to cultivate an atmosphere of emuna on Erev Shabbat.
 
However, if you have ever gotten snappish or shrieky Erev Shabbat, you probably noticed that you later forgot about whatever it was that upset you so much not long after hadlakat neirot.
 
Whatever you were so stressed about just disappeared. You might even wonder why you were so freaked out about it in the first place?
 
Or the opposite happens: You remember it only too well. You go into Shabbat with a crummy feeling, like “Why can’t I ever get this right? Why am I such an awful parent/spouse/Jew?”
 
Or just feeling generally frustrated or resentful or like a failure.
 
Likewise, it’s very important to avoid anger in This World. (Yet again, I am speaking to myself.) Everything comes from Hashem and there’s no need for anger because He is running things and everything He does is for our own good—even if it doesn’t feel like that at all.
 
I can’t help thinking that when we finally make the transition (after 120 years, b’ezrat Hashem) to the Afterlife, we’re also going to either go in forgetting about what was so infuriating in This World and wondering why we were so upset in the first place?

Or we might go in feeling bad that we have so many sins of anger on our account.

​“Why didn’t I take the yissurim b’simcha?” we might ask ourselves. “Why didn’t I try harder to respond to my ordeals with joy and gratitude? After all Gemara Taanit 8a promises that every person who rejoices in his yissurim brings salvation to the world. So why couldn’t I have tried a little harder?”
 
In the World of Truth, everything is so clear. We’re finally shown the reason for everything.
 
And we might feel there like how we feel here in the transition from Erev Shabbat to Shabbat—depending on how our Erev Shabbat went.

​But we don’t want to arrive at Olam Haba full of regret or wondering why we were so upset in the first place.

​I think this next one isn’t as well known, but it’s important to do teshuvah Erev Shabbat.
 
Yeah, it’s important to go into Shabbat as sin-free as possible.
 
In his chapter called Teshuvah, the Pele Yoetz explains that if a person does not repent of his sins the day he committed them, then he should at least do so on the Friday of that week “because it is also a time of teshuvah.”
 
The Pele Yoetz stresses that thoughts of teshuvah on Erev Shabbat enable one to say Kiddush on Leil Shabbat. Why? The Kiddush is a form of testimony (eidut) and a wicked man is disqualified from testifying.
 
On a more positive note, doing teshuvah on Erev Shabbat enables a Jew to merit the addition of nefesh-ruach-neshamah (the 3 levels of soul) and the illumination of holiness on Shabbat (he’arat kedushat Shabbat). He continues:

If you think about it, this is actually a thrilling opportunity.

The Pele Yoetz means that by doing teshuvah (admitting your sins, regretting/making amends for them, and then accepting upon yourself to distance yourself from them), you will merit an especially enhanced soul for Shabbat, in addition to an especially enhanced light of holiness on Shabbat itself.

(As far as I know, all Jews receive an extra neshamah for Shabbat, but apparently, the quality and loftiness of your particular neshamah yeteirah depends on your behavior prior to its entry.)

In turn, the splendor (ziv) derived from the especially enhanced light (he’arah) will gush forth into the following week, enabling you to do even more teshuvah and perfect your avodah to Hashem, thereby making you even more fabulous than you already are.
 
So the spiritual quality and success of your week actually depends a lot on what you did Erev Shabbat of the week before.
 
Sure, this might sound a bit discouraging if you usually fall on your face Erev Shabbat.

​On the other hand, if you’ve been stuck emotionally or spiritually during the week, you can try your best to use this coming Erev Shabbat as a time of teshuvah and anger-management to catapult you into a different state for that Shabbat and the following week.
 
As always, we don’t seek perfection because only Hashem is Perfect.
 
If you only manage teshuvah on 1 thing Erev Shabbat, then that’s still really good.

Much, much better than nothing at all.
 
In addition, the Pele Yoetz advises:

Women don’t go to the mikveh Erev Shabbat, but if a woman can manage to talk to Hashem at all and seek any forgiveness, then that is very good.

​Furthermore, as is well-known, the preparations women invest in Erev Shabbat in honor of Shabbat--likhvod Shabbat—provide wonderful merit for her and for all of Am Yisrael.

​Refraining from anger during these preparations is also a wonderful atonement.

​Also, it’s perfectly normal that the first time you try something, you stumble & bumble around in it simply because you don’t quite know what you’re doing (yet). 

​Kol hahatchalot kashot—all the beginnings are difficult; that’s the spiritual reality. Just get up and try again. Really, that’s how it goes. It’s so normal.
 
So these are just a few examples of what you can learn from your Erev Shabbat to apply to your Olam Hazeh. And we share many similar aspects of Erev Shabbat (i.e. the need to start early, prepare food, etc.), individual situations vary.

For example, the Erev Shabbat of a single person is different than the Erev Shabbat of a person with 4 kids under the age of 3, which is different than the Erev Shabbat of a widow who spends a different Shabbat every week with one of her 10 married children.

And so on.

So you can make your personal list of what you do (or should be doing) on Erev Shabbat, then see how you can apply those lessons and insights to your life in This World.

May we all merit a World sheh kulo tov—that is entirely good.

​There was an acquaintance I knew for 4 years—and during that entire time, I never knew she was separated and then divorced. (This also says wonderful things about that community, by the way, that people didn’t gossip.)
 
I ran into her at the supermarket, on the bus, at the park with her children—and she was always sweet, friendly, and cheerful with nary a bad thing to say about anyone.
 
Needless to say, if a separated or divorced woman needs help, she should be able to ask for it and receive it. Also, there’s no problem with mentioning your marital status, whether it’s divorced, widowed, married, or single.
 
My point is that she never said a word against her ex-husband nor her in-laws, including after they were divorced. And I’m sure she must have had what to say. Marital problems are incredibly painful.
 
But as the halacha tells us: If there is no halachically permitted to’elet (beneficial purpose) to lashon hara, it’s forbidden to say it.
 
Later, she remarried to a good man with children of his own. Because her family size suddenly doubled, life got busier and more stressful, but she seemed happy. The marriage seems good.

What I also found both unusual and heartening is how the stepchildren get along together. Some even became best friends, share clothes, and walk arm in arm together. You’d think they were twins, but they are step-siblings. Obviously, both she and her second husband must have been good parents as single parents and apparently continue to be good parents together.

​But I can’t help thinking that guarding her tongue & maintaining a good mood & good middot in what must have been a very trying situation brought her a lot of bracha.

​In another situation, a couple with several children separated. The woman wasn’t a bad person at all, but nor did she have the most appealing personality.

Yet throughout the separation, she refused to say one word against her husband. Even when prodded, she either kept her silence or said something brief in his defense.
 
She also didn’t play around with lashon hara by dissing him under the guise of “merely” commenting or joking about male generalities and stereotypes.
 
As time went on, admiration for her grew.

Even people who hadn’t liked her much before developed a high regard for her because of her integrity during the separation. Eventually, she and her husband got back together and stayed together. She also found herself better-liked than before.

​Just to emphasize: Her personality didn’t change from the time of separation to the time of reunification. People who didn’t like her so much before suddenly liked her a lot now SOLELY because of the integrity she displayed during the separation.
 
All in all, a win-win situation—all because she guarded her tongue so carefully.

The above are in very strong contrast to yesterday’s post, in which a very well-meaning community involved itself in the details of each other’s shalom bayis problems (which means engaging in copious unnecessary lashon hara)—which not only didn’t alleviate any problems, but didn’t prevent numerous divorces either.
 
Does guarding your tongue always work out so nicely?

Or does indulging in continuous lashon hara always backfire?
 
No.
 
I think we all know people who slander their spouse (or ex-spouse), their boss, their co-workers, their parents, their in-laws, their children, their siblings, etc. and it doesn’t seem to hurt them. On the contrary, maybe they even do it in such a way that garners them lots of sympathy.
 
Likewise, there are people very careful to guard their tongue, and they don’t get the benefit of the doubt or the support they need.
 
The simplistic explanation is that the sinning person gets his reward in This World for the good he has done while punishment awaits him in the Next.

​In contrast, there is also the concept of tzaddik v’ra lo—Hashem stores all the reward for a good person in the Next World and allows that good person to experience their atonement in This World.
 
There are also very deep and complex reasons having to do with past lives and other stuff to which I’m not privy, but trust that Hashem knows exactly what He is doing.

​But in general, everyone I know who regularly talks or writes lashon hara about people do not experience relief from their problems.
 
This includes people dealing with genuinely difficult and dysfunctional people. Sometimes, the pain simply leaks out—and who can blame them? There’s definitely room for compassion here.
 
But over time, I saw that it just doesn’t help. There’s temporary relief and nothing more than that.
 
You see people who write about this family member and that neighbor—using real names!—and things never improve or only get worse (which gives them a lots of fodder for future columns, I guess).
 
And how many times have you sat through a shalom bayis class in which the rebbetzin disparages her husband (with humor, of course) under the guise of talking about normal male-female differences in marriage?

Notice that her marriage never improves and she rarely holds up her husband as a good example.
 
And people who truly suffer in their marriage or family don’t really find resolution in dropping lots of sarcastic comments about their nemesis or even continuously pouring their heart out to friends and a string of therapists.

​Please notice that as long as they keep doing that, their situation stays the same or even worsens.
 
I could give several real-life examples of people who simply could not stop themselves from badmouthing their in-laws and spouse.

Some were quite justified in their complaints (like in the case of emotional or verbal abuse) while others merely imagined they were justified.

Regardless, nothing good or healing ultimately came out of it.
 
But because yesterday’s post was full of negative examples, I want to stick with positive examples in today’s post.
 
So I’ll just say this:

The exception to the above ended up being those who initially complained about their spouse, in-laws, parents, neighbors, etc.—and then stopped.

Whether justified or not, they stopped.

Those who stopped the understandable but ultimately forbidden lashon hara and instead turned just to prayer and gratitude to Hashem often saw an improvement in their situation.

So tachlis: How do you deal with difficult people in life?
 
You just don’t say anything unless there’s a clear halachic to’elet for doing so.
 
Hopefully, you’ll experience blessing in this world for guarding your tongue—and many do.
 
But the Pele Yoetz emphasizes that it’s the Next World that counts.

He clearly states several times that guarding your tongue from revealing the faults—and going so far as to praise to others--of specifically your spouse, parents-in-law, and children-in-law reap great reward in the Next World...even (or especially) if these people are genuinely dysfunctional and your complaints are perfectly justified.
 
He says that in the case of children- or parents-in-law, you often will see the fruits of your silence (and praise) in this world via your own children or grandchildren.
 
But as he says to the husband who’s married to a wicked wife, if you treat her badly and get angry at her and slander her, then you simply get Gehinnom in both This World and the Next.
 
Pretty strong mussar if you ask me!
 
But again, he’s only saying this because he wants to truly help us and he wants what’s truly good for us.
 
And the only true good is Eternal Life in the World to Come.
 
It’s hard to always remember & actualize this, but any step we take in this direction is very, very good.

Related Links:

• Yesterday's post: A Secretly Fragmented "Family" - All because of Lashon Hara?
• The Pele Yoetz on Family Relationships: When Honesty Stops being a Virtue, Part II 

​I once got to know a certain community that prided itself on its close-knit support.
 
“Our children know they’ve got extended family through our community,” they explained. “All the adults are known as their aunts and uncles. We always pitch in for each other’s simchas and crises.”
 
Whether a family experienced sickness, birth, divorce, moving, or any other life upheaval, they received the full support of the community. And it really was heartwarming to see how they would pitch in to help—and give real help—without even being asked.
 
Many were committed to a kollel lifestyle—or at least a partial kollel lifestyle. Many didn’t have a computer or if they did, it really was for work and the children had no access to it.
 
So it was a community with a serious commitment to Torah and chessed. Very nice!

But I admit I was uncomfortable with the way they talked about each other. Very warm and accepting, you pretty quickly got an earful of what was going on with different members of the oh-so familial community.
 
Furthermore, they weren't always so nice to each other or talk about each other's kids so nicely.

For example, one of the teenagers clearly suffered some form of mental retardation. And she was a nice and friendly person too.

Yet the other girls her age responded stiffly or rudely to her when she approached them to chat. And the minute her back was turned, they doubled over with repressed laughter, their hands clutched over their mouths and exchanging looks with each other that clearly said, Omigosh—such a freak! Right?
 
Of course, people can be very uncomfortable around those with special needs. It’s pretty normal to be stiff or awkward when you aren’t used to them.

But these girls had all grown up together and were family, right? Also, you’d think their parents had spoken to them over the years about how to behave with this very nice yet mentally challenged girl.
 
Yet they didn’t seem to know how to behave and they didn’t seem very compassionate either. Where was the unity and warmth?
 
And yes, I realize that people like to dismiss such behavior as “Teenagers!” But I’ve seen so many teenage girls behave with sensitivity and refinement in so many different situations to know the difference between youth and a display of poor middot.
 
Anyway, there were several things like that. That’s just one example. 

​But what really took me by surprise was the divorce rate in this seemingly lovey-dovey community. Some couples divorced early on in the marriage, but others got fed up after 12-20 years of marriage and 5-7 children.
 
What a strange thing to happen when there is such much support and so much “We are family!” feeling...
 
Some people who noticed this high divorce rate remarked that the community didn’t have a firm hashkafah and therefore lacked the stability a firm hashkafah gives. And that can be true. And the rav to whom they were wholeheartedly committed lived in a faraway city, so he wasn't right there with them, which can be a problem.

But to this extent?
 
No, it didn't make sense that hashkafah or the rav's location were the major factors in the high rate of shalom bayis issues.
 
What came out over time was how involved they were in each other’s personal lives. They knew so much of each other’s marriages. Open discussions took place with each spouse facing an entire community of shalom bayit advisers.
 
This is a problem because the halachot of lashon hara do not allow this at all.
 
Both spouses openly discussed their issues with—well, everybody.
 
So everyone knew all the dirt on everyone else.
 
And some of the couples were getting divorced over problems that were indeed problems, but not the kind of thing you’d necessarily get divorced over. And not problematic enough to divorce in your son’s bar mitzvah year (as happened in one case).

The other thing was the antagonism of the divorcing wives toward their husbands.

It was like there was all this repressed resentment and anger suddenly bubbling to the surface.

By the way, I’ve known women who’ve gotten divorced from verbally or emotionally abusive husbands and these women just want him OUT. They never want to see, speak, or deal with him again.

That’s normal, as far as I can tell.
 
And in this community, many of the women were very angry at their husbands. And yes, some for good reason.

​But one even developed an elaborate plan of how she was going to torment her husband via the court system after their divorce. She wanted to milk him for all he was worth—which puzzled everyone else because he’d been in kollel the entire time and had no money of his own. So what was she trying to do? It was obviously pure animosity on her part because there was nothing there to milk.

Yet that elaborate plan of vengeance didn't seem like a normal reaction. Like I said, most suffering wives want him out of their lives; they don't want to keep up after him with all sorts of nasty plots.
 
Also, while she had a lot to complain about him, he didn’t have much to complain about her. In fact, he even justified her complaints about him. (He wasn’t very communicative within the marriage.) But admitted that he wasn’t sure how to be more communicative with his wife. He said that he just froze up when dealing with her—something he didn’t do with other people and he honestly didn’t know why nor how to solve the problem.
 
Fortunately, Hashem put a stop to the wife’s plans for revenge by causing her to remarry within months after the divorce and then having that marriage go on the rocks, which between that and dealing with her kids and the stepkids, absorbed her too much to carry out revenge.

Her ex-husband kept quietly about his business and within a year, was remarried to a very nice divorcee with her own home, several young children, her ex-husband totally out of the picture—a very nice woman who wanted nothing more than to support a husband in learning.

And she was fine with the fact that he was quiet as long as he was nice (which he was).

Other women just picked up the kids and went back to Europe or North America, stranding their Israeli husband as an older and suddenly childless bachelor.

In one case, I think he deserved to be abandoned because he’d consistently made poor decisions to the detriment of their children (among other stuff)—and he refused to improve.

But in another case, it seemed more vindictive--especially when she came back after a few years to dump the child on the ex-husband and go back to her life (and new marriage) in chutz l'Aretz. (Fortunately, the ex-husband was very happy to have his child back in his life again, even though the adjustment was a challenge.)

So you had avenging or abandoning wives in situations that didn't seem to really call for such measures. (Although like I said, it seems that at least one husband deserved to be abandoned.)

​But the point is that this community perceives itself as oh-so close and supportive.

​Yet just under the surface, there are a lot of shalom bayit problems. (And not all those suffering unhappy marriages get divorced.)

So the community has support and unity (at least on the surface), but the actual married couples don't?

Weird.
 
I can’t help thinking that with all the emphasis halacha places on respecting one’s spouse and not exposing the flaws of family members—especially family members that halacha obligates us to honor, such as parents, parents-in-law, and our spouse—that this well-meaning community is blocking itself from blessing.
 
We know that refraining from lashon hara earns us unimaginable light in worlds we cannot see. But we also know that indulging in lashon hara brings about the opposite: terrible din.
 
It was really the Pele Yoetz that brought the severity of this to my attention.

Despite modern society’s penchant for joking around about one’s husband or wife or in-laws, the Pele Yoetz strongly opposes any kind of negative comment about people you’re commanded to honor.

Today, it’s amazing how much dirt people spill about their spouse while chalking it up to “normal” masculine or feminine behavior—as if that makes exposing it okay.

​People do the same about their in-laws—again, downplaying their lashon hara as talking generally about normal tensions with in-laws.
 
But the Pele Yoetz exhorts us to do the opposite.
 
He says we should davka cover up the flaws of our spouses and in-laws (both parents-in-law and children-in-law) and praise them to others.
 
Why? Not because we are big fake liars, but because that is the proper thing to do according to him.
 
Let’s look at what other truly great people say about all this:
 
Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender explains in Words of Faith, page 376 (emphasis mine):

This means there is no tikkun in talking about your problems to others. Yes, it's permissible at times. But if you want to actually be fixed, you need to turn to the Original Source of your flaws and problems.

Rav Bender further advises (page 373):

That's for the listener. Unless there's a real halachic to'elet (beneficial purpose) to listening, hearing out another's personal stuff and flaws "does real damage."

​And then on page 376, he cautions listeners against "digging after mistakes, even if you mean well." He advises such well-intentioned listeners:

​Oho!

And in a nutshell, that explains why this seemingly close-knit community wasn’t actually close at all: “…it is the complete opposite of why friends bond” and "the work of the yetzer."

Oops!

In efforts to help each other and figure out what people needed to do to improve their situations, they ended up joining "a friend in personal matters" and "digging after mistakes."

And this is a very easy mistake for a well-meaning & compassionate person to make.

How would we know without Rav Bender to lay it out for us?
 
On page 4 of The Laws of Interpersonal Relationships: Practical Applications in Business, Home, and Society, Rav Ehrman elucidates the mitzvah to love one’s fellow by the following principles (culled from the Ramban, Shaar Hatevunah, Shemirat Halashon, and the Gemara)

• Speak only in a positive manner about others.
• Show the same concern for their honor as your own.
• Camouflage their flaws in same way you’d want them to camouflage your own flaws.
• Be as protective of their money and property as you are of your own.
• Assist them to the best of your ability (emotional, financial, and physical support whether large or small)
• Try to diffuse a person’s anger at another.

 
Dissecting your spouse’s flaws with an entire community (or inserting them into casual conversation with friends or relatives) obviously violates the above precepts, especially the first three.
 
Having said all that, if your spouse is awful in some way and you need outside help, then halacha allows you to get it. Just as one example: The Pele Yoetz praised as “a great mitzvah” the act of assisting a Jewish woman married to a “snake” to get divorced if she wanted.
 
It’s admittedly to difficult to observe the above principles because our society deems acceptable the mentioning the flaws of people we’re obligated to honor and love—as long as we do it humorously or we hide behind the veneer of gender stereotypes or in-law stereotypes.
 
Look, I didn’t know it either until I read the above books.
 
Live and learn, eh?
 
So hopefully, we’ll all keep learning and improving—and be the kinds of Jews defined by Chazal and not by society.
 
Me, too.

Related Posts:
The Real Purpose of a Home & Family
The Best Marriage Counseling: Tefillah, Teshuvah, and Tzedakah
The Pele Yoetz on Family Relationships: When Honesty Stops being a Virtue, Part II

How can we know who the great rabbanim are?

And at a superficial glance, what sets gadolim apart from the rest of us?

In Recognizing a Gadol Hador, Rav Avigdor Miller gives basic pointers:

• See who other gedolim are calling a gadol.
• Do great rabbanim from outside his group consider him a gadol?

 
In another lecture (the Q&A of Chanukah: Hyrcanus’s Downfall), Rav Miller adds 3 more:

• A gadol doesn’t go on TV
• A gadol doesn’t go by names like “Alfred” or “Norman.”
• A gadol is better at thinking then speaking.

 
Needless to say, gadolim appear in video clips—the Lubavitcher Rebbe in particular—which can theoretically make their way to TV—or worse. Yet Rav Miller clearly considers the Lubavitcher Rebbe a great talmid chacham and Torah leader. So I guess the answer is that "going on TV” is different than when others film you as you simply go about your business of serving Hashem and tending to Am Yisrael. I think there's also a difference when you pursue the TV shows and when you're just doing your Torah stuff and that gets on TV without you even thinking in that direction or wanting to publicize yourself. Rav Miller made the point that appearing on TV means being squeezed between forbidden programming. People tune in to watch you, but they end up getting all the forbidden stuff too. This is different than if people watch a CD of just you, etc. Rav Miller himself did not allow people to make his lectures available on the Internet and they only became available online after his passing. (Please see Rav Avigdor Miller on the Internet for that source.)

Also, in that same Q&A, Rav Avigdor Miller states:

It's really important to know this.

It doesn't mean we start lambasting rabbis (or any other people) and dissecting their character to bits. But people need to know that smicha is about academic ability.

​Spiritual greatness is something else.

​Sometimes, differences in personality types confuse people.
 
Character refinement doesn’t produce clones.
 
Outgoing extroverted talmidei chachamim remain outgoing and extroverted.
 
Introverted talmidei chachamim remain introverted.
 
Yes, they’re able to stretch themselves past their innate nature when necessary, but someone with great physical energy and extroversion (like the Lubavitcher Rebbe) will channel his spiritual greatness through that.

Other great talmidei chachamim possess incredible mental energy. They’re known for their hasmadah and their ability to remain awake for most of the day immersed in a Gemara. But they don’t physically move around much.
 
Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach was known for his smile, in addition to his exceptional character and vast Torah knowledge.
 
Rav Aryeh Levine is one of the most beloved tzaddikim in the past century. Stories of his outreach to Jews on all levels, his profound love and warmth, and his humility often overshadow the tremendous Torah scholarship he also possessed. In conjunction with his dedication to Torah study, Rav Aryeh Levine was tremendously active at the community level.
 
In addition to their vast Torah knowledge and untiring dedication to Am Yisrael, Rav Meir Shapiro and Rav Avigdor Miller were also known for their wit and humor.
 
For many gadolim, their speech is short and to-the-point. Such speech can be softened if the gadol possesses a very warm personality, but others are more serious by nature and can come off with more curtness.
 
So we see that our great rabbis come in a variety of flavors.
 
This is no surprise because our founders—Avraham, Yitzchak, Yaakov, Sara, Rivka, Rachel, and Leah—all possessed different personalities from one another. Some were even opposites and served Hashem in very different ways (like Avraham Avinu and Yitzchak Avinu, for example.)
 
Your personal preference (and soul-needs) pull you toward one type or another, but it doesn’t mean that a contrasting type is a lesser person than the gadol you’re most pulled toward.

It used to be that you could go to Bnei Brak and learn with or speak in learning with Rav Shteinman and Rav Kanievsky. My husband used to do this every 3 weeks for a year. He said they were always very nice. Wouldn’t such knowledgeable rabbanim find this annoying? I guess not! Once, my husband witnessed how a tactless young man started needling Rav Kanievsky about something his late father, the Steipler Gaon, had said—the tactless young man thought he’d found a contradiction in the Steipler’s words.
 
But despite the gross insensitivity (and chutzpah), Rav Kanievsky merely responded in a very soft & pained voice, “What do you want from me? My father! My father!” ​

Rav Avigdor Miller’s words remain with us due to his permission to let his lectures be taped. But to whom does he credit? Mr. Shelby! It was Rav Miller who needed to be there, prepare the lecture, then undergo the strain of answering questions from every direction. But he only ever credits the people who asked for the shiur and who made the recordings.

​(By the way, I’m also personally grateful to Mr. Shelby—and everyone else involved—for organizing the class and the recordings. And I’m grateful to those involved in transcribing his lectures into books and online articles.)
 
Also, when Rav Miller expressed his regret at the Torah he was missing while attending a grandchild’s wedding, another guest asked him if it wasn’t a joyous thing to attend a grandchild’s wedding? Later, Rav Miller thanked the man, revealing that since the man made that comment, Rav Miller was much happier at his grandchildren’s weddings. (It takes a certain humility to accept correction from a regular person and to even thank them for it later.)
 
Here are some samples Rav Miller's straightfoward humility:

​(Just as an aside, the Q&A of Chanukah: Hyrcanus’s Downfall was one of the laugh-aloud funniest things I’ve read in a long time—and very enlightening too. Also, all quotes from Toras Avigdor are used with permission.)
 
Anyway, there are many more “humble gadolim” examples.
 
But that's it for now.
 
Hope this helped.

Related Post:
Which Rabbi Should I Listen To?

We're told by the media reasons for devastating wildfires: global warming, drought conditions, strong winds, President Trump, not clearing away forest debris -- did I miss one?

But the Spiritual Self-Help blog brought up the idea of underground heat as a contributor (or cause) of such wildfires. Furthermore, reports of the Athens fire "chasing us all the way into the water" or "all of the sudden, flames were at the side of the car" sound more like fire from under the ground than fire from spreading above-ground -- though I don't know enough about fire tendencies to say for sure.

Doing further research, I discovered this article:
Southern California Hotspot Hits 812 Degrees, Baffles Experts

How many other hot spots like this are there that HAVEN'T been discovered?

After all, this one was only discovered "after the land got so hot that it started a brush fire and burned three acres."

Could it also be that they don't report every hot spot they discover? (After all, this one was discovered a while ago.)

Because I'm not in touch with the geological surveys of southern California, I can't say for sure. But I'm inclined to think there might be more than 1 undiscovered (or unreported) extreme hot spot in southern California.

What's going on? I'm not sure. It's just food for thought.

Unless of course, it's President Trump secretly heating hydrocarbons deep inside the Earth. Or maybe he's opening those cracks through which they're seeping out!

And even the theory about deep-seated hydrocarbons leaking out is just that: a theory.

There's no proof.

No one knows what's going on.

But perhaps such extreme hot spots should be taken into account.

​I want to start off by reiterating that the Pele Yoetz was a very holy and knowledgeable Jew who chose to die of plague in order to spare his community of suffering that same plague. He strove for honesty and yosher in every aspect of life.

And as much as he felt the pain of his fellow Jews in whatever difficult interpersonal situation they found themselves, the Pele Yoetz maintained equal awareness that Olam Haba is a very real place, and that rising to the occasion by overcoming your bad middot earns you a goodly portion in Olam Haba while giving in to your lower instincts and emotions can land you in a lot of trouble with Heavenly Judgement.

With this in mind, much of the his advice flies in the face of what our secular-influenced culture tells us now. Yet you’ll see that the Pele Yoetz’s advice follows the actual halacha.

In other words:

• The Pele Yoetz understands your pain.
• The Pele Yoetz also understands that Hashem is behind the difficult situations.
• The Pele Yoetz has an excellent idea of exactly how awful Gehinnom is and how marvelous Gan Eden is.
• The Pele Yoetz VERY MUCH wants people to avoid Gehinnom.
• So the Pele Yoetz tailors his advice to help people avoid Gehinnom in their Olam Haba because he feels that suffering Gehinnom in This World is more than enough.

 

• Remember, the Pele Yoetz himself was willing to suffer the plague for several weeks and then die so that no one else would need to suffer the same fate (including those very difficult people who might actually deserve such a fate).

And this final point:
The Pele Yoetz focuses on your present and future behavior.

​He barely focuses on external causes because despite your upbringing and many other factors, you still have the capacity to behave with good middot or you wouldn't be commanded to do so.

Needless to say, I struggle with the above as much as anyone else. Sometimes, I do my best to maintain my middot and succeed, but sometimes I fail. That's how it goes. I publish the Pele Yoetz's advice for myself as much as anyone else.

Secular modern psychology is atheistic, even if many psychologists aren’t actual atheists. So psychology focuses on the surface-level emotional well-being of the client rather than on the client’s soul and future well-being once the soul leaves the body.

​Also, no therapist is going to be as mosser nefesh for you as the Pele Yoetz.

Your therapist will never take your Heavenly Punishment upon his- or herself like the Pele Yoetz did for his errant brethren.

So it's best to listen to him as much as we can.

Rav Avrohom Ehrman’s book Journey to Virtue notes that part of fulfilling the mitzvah of v’ahavta l’re’echa kamocha (love your neighbor as yourself) includes (but is not limited to):

• Speak only in a positive manner about others.
• Show the same degree of concern for their honor as you do your own.
• Camouflage their deficiencies just as we would wish our own faults to be overlooked.

The above is admittedly VERY HARD to do with people who treat you badly.

Modern society accuses people of being "fake" or "in denial" or "Pollyanna" or "a stooge" when they do things like only speak positively of others or camouflage other people's deficiencies.

Yet that's only true when your INTENTION is to cover up for a bad guy who uses your cover to keep hurting others. It's true when prefer to disassociate and actually pretend nothing in wrong and continue neglecting yourself or others, or if you're trying to be a goody-two-shoes.

In Judaism, you don't pretend that bad is good. (That's chanifah -- totally forbidden.)

You simply emphasize the good.

However, when your intention is to remain well-aware, but commit to HASHEM'S value system and follow the above strictures with integrity, then that's being more REAL than anything else.

Remember, as elucidated in a past post, Judaism considers the whole truth told only when the positive is included.

Modern society is the exact opposite. Truth is only when the negative is included.

​This was a very complex post to put together because the Pele Yoetz acknowledges both the awful reality of some people’s behavior together with the unknowable Divine Plan behind putting you together with such people.

And he discusses both the spiritual reasons along with the here-and-now reasons as motivation to rise to the occasion when dealing with difficult people.

But his MAIN FOCUS is on CORRECT BEHAVIOR. He openly acknowledges that correct behavior may not influence the difficult person to behave better. He says that it can, but it doesn't necessarily.

This approach is very different than the approach even many frum advisors use today, so it can take time to internalize the Pele Yoetz's message because it initially feels like sandpaper-rubbing rather than a loving caress.

So it’s all together and that makes it difficult to sum things up (especially on a computer screen where the eye naturally skims the information rather than reading it carefully—mine too).

The Pele Yoetz doesn’t mince words when describing people (“lowly and disgusting” “depraved” “bad character” “bad and difficult”) nor does he make excuses for the miserable behavior.

You don’t hear about anyone’s unfortunate upbringing or background or environment. Instead, he mostly attributes people’s flaws to the generation or to general factors (like old age), rather than to specific circumstances.

HOWEVER, he also very strongly encourages people to push themselves spiritually to be the best they can be—despite the weakness of the generation and the rampant ignorance in society, or any other factors (like old age, stressful situations, etc).

His Balkan Jewish society was interesting because while there weren’t secular Jews per se, there were very ignorant Jews. Some didn’t know how to read or know how to read Hebrew.

For example, he advises a man who doesn’t know Hebrew to go to a Sage before Yom Kippur to have the Hebrew Vidui (Confession) translated into the vernacular.

(We don't need to do that nowadays because we have Artscroll and Metzudah and the like. But the point is to understand each word of Vidui.)

​At the same time, Sarajevo was the Torah center where the Pele Yoetz learned too, and Sarajevo produced many talmidei chachamim and tzaddikim. And then you had everyone in between those 2 extremes.

The Pele Yoetz speaks strongly about the need to overcome your lesser middot and behave in an exemplary manner while at the same time acknowledging how hard that can be. Sometimes, his expectations seem too high—yet he addresses this too by saying that if the Torah commanded it, then it cannot be impossible.

“The Sages spoke only of one whom the controversy pursues him. And he flees from it and the peace flees from him and he runs after it [i.e the peace]—THAT is called a ‘rodef shalom—a pursuer of peace’ and his deeds will be praised at the gates.”
​
Several times, the Pele Yoetz makes the point that being a rodef shalom—a pursuer of peace—implies behaving peacefully with truly difficult people. Else why do you need to pursue peace? If a person is lovely, then peace exists on its own—no need to go running after it.
​
So he definitely understands that some people are difficult and that maintaining your middot with them is very difficult.

​How does that all connect with lashon hara?

Our most difficult and painful relationships are exactly what trip us up, spiritually speaking.
​
There is opportunity for great loss—or great gain, depending on our response.

Lashon hara for no halachically permissible reason entails spiritual loss.

Problems among family ties can trip off the most lashon hara.

So among our more intricate family relationships, the Pele Yoetz has a lot to say.
 
Below, you’ll see some of the advice he offers both spouses and in-laws.

Note: Coming from secular Western society, it’s quite a pop in the face. So be prepared… 

​The Pele Yoetz insists on exemplary behavior on the part of spouses and in-laws even toward a spouse or child/parent-in-law who is awful.
​
First, he reminds both husbands and wives:
Love of the soul is the most important love of all, so the spiritual goals for you & your spouse need to be foremost at all times.

He actually repeats this idea for husbands, wives, and parents throughout the book.

​The Pele Yoetz says to wives:

Note: I wish EVERY person involved in ANY shalom bayis counseling would commit the above to memory and engrave it on their heart!

It IS difficult to offer general advice because NOT ALL PEOPLE THINK ALIKE. The Pele Yoetz encourages women to conduct themselves according to the nature of HER husband and HIS character—NOT according to whatever stereotypes your advisor has of men or according to your rebbetzin’s husband’s nature.

He stated this nearly 2 centuries ago, but who is listening?

Anyway the Pele Yoetz also advises wives:

• "You should be sensitive to your husband’s honor whether he is a moral person or a sinner, whether praiseworthy or dishonorable, because he is to her as a decree from the King of the Universe. Hashem brings individuals together and matches them to each other."

"This is like a man whom the king desires to glorify and so appoints him as second to the king. The entire nation is obligated to act toward him with respect, even if he is a leper or a repulsive person."
​

• Your reward will increase when your performance of your marital mitzvot demonstrate that you act for the sake of your Creator.

I want to focus on this for a moment because so much marital advice today, whether from secular psychology or shalom bayis “experts” focus on pleasing the other spouse and bending over backward to their will (and especially for women to do so).

Many give this advice despite the fact that pleasing and appeasing behavior never changes abusive people. Also, because most people with personality disorders FEAR intimacy, giving them more love not only doesn’t help but can even trigger MORE abusive behavior, depending.

But the Pele Yoetz doesn’t advise respectful behavior to improve shalom bayit (although he says that explaining to the person using soft words can help, which he bases on a verse from Mishlei--but no promises).

As indicated above, he clearly states that the reason for good treatment, whether for husbands or wives, is for Hashem’s Sake and for the sake of your Olam Haba.

Why?

Because, as the Pele Yoetz states, the whole point of relationships is to facilitate spiritual goals.

Even with marriage, the Pele Yoetz encourages a wife to look behind the curtain of her husband (“whether praiseworthy or dishonorable”) because that marriage (like EVERYTHING else in life) is a decree from the King of the Universe.

You honor your husband because doing so honors HASHEM and his decree.

This is just like the idea propagated throughout Judaism (including the Pele Yoetz) that you should be among the insulted who do not return a hurt with a hurt, which is an ideal Judaism also upholds outside of marriage.

Why?

​Because the unpleasant incident or situation is from Hashem. Therefore, there is some benefit to it, like an atonement or middah-building exercise, or whatever.
​
Unlike modern-day shalom bayis advisers, the Pele Yoetz doesn’t focus on pleasing the husband nor does he start engage in exaggerated generalizations about men in an effort to blindside the wife into submission.

(Secular/non-Jewish therapist often do the same, including using their diagnosis of the husband suffering from a personality disorder or Aspergers or just needing unconditional love or whatever in order to manipulate the wife into co-dependence or submission.) 

In fact, he doesn’t mince words. He acknowledges that some husbands are “dishonorable” and that a husband can be “harsh in character and opinions, a lowly and disgusting man who shares no good--ish kasheh b’middotav u’v’de’otav, nivzeh v’chadal ishim, chasar kol tov.”

(Nor does he quantify such behavior with allusions to an unfortunate background or dysfunctional upbringing of the aforesaid “lowly and disgusting man.”)

He wants a wife to rise above her natural inclinations in the face of such behavior—just as he encourages EVERY person (including the husbands of dysfunctional wives) to respond to ALL insulting or dishonorable behavior with dignity.
​
(Meaning, his mussar isn’t just for wives or even just for marriage, but a general principle applicable to all interpersonal dealings.)

At the same time, the Pele Yoetz encourages a wife to wait for a more relaxed moment and then “rebuke” her husband in a soft, sweet way by saying things like:
“Why did you do this-and-such? What is my sin and what is my transgression that you got worked up against me and got angry at me when I’ve done nothing to harm you? Is this good in the Eyes of Hashem?—and other good things.”

(Note: The language suggested by the Pele Yoetz was originally for early 19th-Century Sefardi Bulgarians and may need to be adjusted for modern English-speakers. They are just suggestions, after all.)

He also recommends pleading sweetly with an abusive husband in a more conducive moment, but he’s clear that these are only recommendations. He makes no guarantees that such words will reap the desired effect if the behind-the-scenes Heavenly decrees indicate otherwise.
​

• A wife should pray for her husband.

 
Finally, he insists that:

• Wives must use iron strength to refrain from revealing their husbands' failings and misdeeds to anyone.

(Again, the Pele Yoetz obviously understands how challenging this is, else why would he advise utilizing such strength in the face of such a nisayon?)

At the same time, the Pele Yoetz obviously heard from suffering wives he’s clearly aware of abusive behavior.

For example, in the case of physical abuse and insensitive behavior in the bedroom, the Pele Yoetz extols as a very big mitzvah to help such a wife, whether by Jewish officials beating the husband into submission or by assisting her in obtaining a divorce if she wants. (Interestingly, he offers neither option to husbands suffering from difficult or evil wives.)

How does this connect to lashon hara?

The Pele Yoetz shows heavy insistence against bad-mouthing your husband in any way, yet if it’s l’toelet (like she needs outside official help to protect her from an especially abusive husband), then obviously she can say something. Otherwise, how would the Pele Yoetz have known what was going on in her home or that a woman needed such help?

But whether the husband’s behavior is severe or just annoying, it’s clear that a lot of what passes for acceptable conversation nowadays is actually completely forbidden.

​In actuality, no joking or kvetching about your husband is permissible, even when his behavior seems to justify complaint.

Finally, the Pele Yoetz advises an abused wife:

• "She should also pour out her soul before Hashem every single day and perhaps Hashem will have mercy on her and her prayers will bring forth fruits."

Again, this doesn't rule out divorce from such a person or asking for intervention.

As the Pele Yoetz agitates against husbands who "may their name be obliterated" are "biliya'al (depraved)" and "treat Jewish women like maidservants (shifchot)":

​"It is fitting for anyone who has the ability to chastise them [the abusive husbands] when possible. And if they have the ability to extract their wives from their hand when it's the desire of the wife--because a woman cannot dwell in the same place as a snake--it's a great mitzvah to save the oppressed from his oppressor."

I know, I know.

This is in direct contrast to what’s taught in shalom bayis shiurim, which teach that the obligation of sensitivity is upon the wife.

The husband gets a free pass because "he’s a man" and "men aren't smart enough" and "can’t understand these things"—or so they claim.

​This is why it is so important to turn to classic sources written by real tzaddikim and leave behind all the secular-influenced or Christian-influenced blather.

People who offer such advice come from despair; they’ve despaired of getting men to fulfill their halachic responsibilities—just like feminists have despaired of men.

​So instead, they dump everything onto the wife. And looking at marriage and children today, it obviously isn’t helping. But their despair doesn’t let them think with an expanded mind.

Thank God we have our Sages to open our minds to the truth!
 
Anyway, the Pele Yoetz insists even if a wife:

• intentionally burns his food
• engages in certain transgressions (like lashon hara, anger, cursing, taking Hashem’s Name in vain, “similar things mentioned in Nashim and Nezikin”)
• violates his will
• is generally bad and difficult
• lacks intelligence
• spends too much money
• angers him to his face
• and so on,

--nonetheless, a husband should never:

• become angry with his wife
• shame her
• curse her
• strike her

Furthermore, the Pele Yoetz insists that a husband:

• Always speak to his wife pleasantly
• Use soft speech at all times with his wife (including when he's trying to convince her to correct her bad behavior)

Why?

A husband must bear the yoke and be among the insulted who do not insult and accept upon yourself the Judgment of Heaven with joy "because a woman is sent to man from God."

Again, the Pele Yoetz avoids being superficial about things.

He clearly realizes that some people are just plain bad apples, yet because these people are challenges sent by Hashem, we are supposed to rise to the occasion.

He cautions husbands several times that hating a bad or difficult wife can lead to producing a ben sorer u’moreh—the son of a hated wife, as mentioned in the Torah.

• He exhorts men to genuinely love such wives to avoid producing rebellious children of bad nature.

To my mind, this a very high demand in light of the terrible middot mentioned above.

How can a man love the kind of sinful, vindictive wife mentioned above?

Again, the Pele Yoetz bases his advice on achieving the best Afterlife possible. The awful spouse is merely the conduit to achieve a blissful eternity:

• “The fence to avoid quarreling in his home is to avoid being so exacting with each and every cent of household expenses.”

​

• “He shall increase the honor of his home, each thing in its time, and appease his wife, because blessing only rests within his home for the sake of his wife.”

 
Though sympathetic to the challenges of a dysfunctional spouse (and even supports divorce for an abused woman), the Pele Yoetz reassures both suffering wives and suffering husbands that if they can maintain their own good middot (including refraining from lashon hara), then their Heavenly Reward will be tremendous.

Note: He provides a more advice & obligations for both husbands and wives than listed here.

​The Pele Yoetz insists that a daughter-in-law should:

• Be quick & careful to honor her husband’s parents (“as a king and queen”) even more than she honors her husband even if their “yoke” is heavy upon her and even if her parents-in-law are bothersome and possess bad character (“as is common among the elderly”).

Please note that the Pele Yoetz doesn’t say “even if she THINKS they are bothersome and have bad character,” but that they ARE bothersome and DO have bad character. Once again, he acknowledges that some people are indeed bad apples and doesn't dismiss the daughter-in-law's perception as mere tension common in that relationship.

• She should strive to understand what they like and aim to please them.

 

• At the same time, he recommends that if parents-in-law and children-in-law really can’t manage civility, they should not be together.

Again, the Pele Yoetz doesn’t get all sentimental about it all.

The reason for the above is because the merit of the parents aids the children. Meaning that performing the above actually helps the daughter-in-law. In a sense, she’s doing it for herself and her own children.

He reassures both children and children-in-law that in regard to honoring parents and parents-in-law, “one who honors others will be respected and his reward will be greatly increased and l’fum tzaara agrah”—one’s reward comes according to one’s exertion.

Interestingly, the Pele Yoetz states that:

• The son-in-law is obligated to honor his wife’s parents.
• The obligation for a son-in-law to honor his wife's parents is possibly even greater than the obligation to honor his own parents because due to his wife’s parents, he merits to be saved from sin and establish his lineage (presumably due to having married the daughter they produced).
• He must not be ungrateful to them.
• He must act as a son to them.

 
Regarding adult children and their own parents, the Pele Yoetz recommends:

• Avoid financial dependence on parents whom it is difficult to honor.

• “If it happens that the wife of the son is a bad and difficult woman--ishah ra’ah kashat ruach,” it is your responsibility to “bear her yoke and guide her with pleasantness and not to impose your burden upon her.”

(Again, the Pele Yoetz doesn’t say that you merely THINK your daughter-in-law is a bad and difficult woman—she actually IS genuinely horrible. Nonetheless…)

• And if she behaves inappropriately, you should let her know (nicely) in private and not expose her awfulness (navlut) to others.

 

• You should only praise her and treat her respectfully before others.

 

• All the more so, you should not expose her awfulness to her husband (your son) so that resentment not enter his heart and he shall not come to hate her.

 

• “Woe to them, the father and mother who cause this [their son’s hatred toward his wife]! For behold the Holy Name written in holiness, the Holy One Blessed Be He commanded to erase it in water to place peace between a man and his wife (Shabbat 116a)."

​

• "And it is better for a father and mother to suffer a thousand evils and not facilitate controversy (machloket) between a man and his wife.” 

 

• “Therefore, the father and mother need great intelligence to behave with good behavior with the sons and the daughters-in-law in order for their marriage to go forth nicely in peace and straightness.”

 

• “And even if there are some displeasures or grudges, they [the parents] should be very careful not to let these things be known or seen by outsiders because it is a foolishness and a shame for both sides and causes lashon hara and gives them a bad reputation.”

He advises that in situations in which parents-in-law and children-in-law cannot behave peacefully and properly with each other, then:

• The good and just--hatov v’hayashar” thing to do is avoid sitting together because “this separation is pleasant for them; it is their life--zo hee chayahem.”

Finally, the Pele Yoetz also speaks against discussing your children negatively with others.

The Ben Ish Chai in Laws for Women goes as far as saying that a mother who complains to the father about the children is actually endangering them because if justified, her complaints against them can cause them to be punished from Shamayim.

​He doesn’t condemn a beneficial discussion of how best to handle Junior’s difficult behavior, but he’s referring to the litany of teinos some parents pour forth toward their spouse.

​Much of the above advice is anathema to Western mores. With the modern emphasis on standing up for yourself and your rights, being “honest” and “real” about everything, “being yourself,” and much more, the Pele Yoetz’s advice seems backwards and constraining.
 
Yet over the years, I cannot deny that all the people who publicize the faults of their spouses or in-laws (children or parents) receive no good from this and don’t even experience real relief.

It’s hard for me to say this, but this includes those who really suffer (as the Pele Yoetz acknowledged above) and whose complaints leak out due to their immense pain.

I’m really sympathetic to those whose pain leaks out because living with a horrible spouse infects your very being and every aspect of life.
 
Particularly for women, who are likened to the Moon which receives light from the Sun (i.e. her husband), a woman whose husband maltreats or neglects her genuinely feels like a cold dead rock suspended in a dark airless Universe.

A woman in such a situation will find it very difficult to keep it all in and only pour out her heart to Hashem (as the Pele Yoetz encourages her to do) but not to other people (unless there’s a toelet, like to get divorced, as the Pele Yoetz notes).

One woman I knew married to an emotionally abusive man even became suicidal at one point—despite frequently leaking out her pain and resentment to others, despite therapy and despite consultation with rabbis. All the outpourings and/or comments never helped. 
​
Whether it’s via humorous jabs or sad comments or even tearful admissions, I’ve seen that it really doesn’t help and any relief is only temporary. (Though relief isn’t guaranteed because sometimes the listener responds in a way the speaker finds hurtful.)

Like I've said before, my initial heart's reaction is to listen and empathize with the other. But I can't help seeing that all the intended support and empathy doesn't seem to offer more than temporary relief. However, when there has been something practical that I could do, then things ended up better.

So there's a difference between pouring your heart out when it can't help you (but maybe it feels like it helps you) and pouring your heart out when it can.

I'm not demonizing anyone for doing it -- believe me, I understand what emotional pain is like -- I'm just saying there is a way to do it that's beneficial and a way that is not.

​Well, not me saying it, but the Pele Yoetz.

I'll be following up this last bit in another post.

In the Pele Yoetz, Rav Eliezer Papo stresses that the whole point of being a rodef shalom (a pursuer of peace) is davka with people who don't want to behave peaceably with you.

And he repeatedly reassures the reader that responding with good middot to difficult people reaps loads of Heavenly Reward.

As he writes in the chapter entitled Peace/Shalom:

In another section, the Pele Yoetz points out that it is no challenge to respond peaceably to people who are pleasant and refined.

No need to race off in hot pursuit of peace with lovely people!

Instead, being a rodef shalom is davka with people who are difficult. That's the mitzvah. You need to run after peace when peace starts acting like an escaped fugitive.

Note: Needless to say, this does not apply to terrorists and the like of whom the Gemara says, "He who comes to kill you, rise early and kill him [first]." 

He also explains throughout the book that if it is impossible to maintain civility around a certain person, then best to avoid that person.

That's right -- peace doesn't always mean being all lovey-dovey. It depends on the dynamics of a situation. Sometimes peace means to embrace the other and sometimes it means to avoid him or her.

Either way, the challenge of difficult people is implied in the actual mitzvah.

You're not a rodef shalom when it comes easy.

You're only a rodef shalom when the shalom is hard to come by.

May we all succeed in living in peace with our brothers and sisters.

The American Seventies brought a new wave of openness.

Everyone was supposed to be open about their feelings, their issues, and their negative experiences.

The new culture insisted on validation and support for a "victim."

(This is despite the fact that "confession" - to the group or to a designated member - is one of the classic signs of a cult. For example, cults expect members to reveal fears, secrets, sins, bad attitudes, bad middot, etc. so the cult can play on these...just like secular society does today.)

Increasingly, tell-all books, both memoirs and thinly disguised autobiographical "fiction" decimated parents, ex-spouses, and friends -- and hit the best-seller lists.

You had "right" to express your feelings and talk about your experiences, even if it meant condemning other people who couldn't be there defend themselves.

Case-in-point: Many of these best-sellers were later contradicted by the people featured within (like Christina Crawford's Mommie Dearest) or by researchers (like those who researched Flora Rheta Schreiber's Sybil). Even if Christina Crawford's siblings are just in denial and covering up Joan Crawford's abusive parenting, the point is that a strenuous case can be made for seeing different angles of the same story OR that the author is the dysfunctional person and engaging in widespread character assassination.

And this extended to the personal level. Especially as a young adult, your parents impact your life so much that it’s hard to talk about yourself without referencing your upbringing and your relationship with them.

As you move into other life-stages, your spouse and his family impact your life in a way that’s all-encompassing. Then your children. And your children feel like an extension of you (which is even truer for women because her biological child was physically part of her body at one point), so maybe you talk about them as freely as you talk about yourself.
​
In secular society, talking freely about your family members, your spouse and his or her family members, and your children is a given.

In fact, you may be criticized for keeping mum about your problems with them, being labeled as “repressed” or “secretive” or “fearful” or “fake.”

​Well-meaning people discourage you from “keeping it all in” and encourage you to “be open, be honest.” Abused (or those who feel they’ve been abused) people enthuse about how much better they feel about telling everything because holding back felt like “protecting” their abuser.

But then again, have you ever encountered situations in which the self-proclaimed victim was actually a manipulator? Or somewhat deluded and self-absorbed? Or simply a bit too subjective?
 
Note: If there is actual clear-cut abuse and the abuser is a danger to society, of course there is value—and sometimes a Torah obligation—to expose this information to protect others from abuse & bring the abuser to justice.

​Again, many people openly discuss the flaws of their family members. They feel it’s their “right.”

​And society is constantly telling them it’s not only okay, but it’s even “healthy” for them to do so.
 
Judaism, however, is very different. 

The laws of lashon hara are complex and all-encompassing. And while they allow for lashon hara l'toelet (negative speech for a beneficial purpose) and sometimes even obligate one to speak lashon hara l'toelet, the halacha demands that even such lashon hara l'toelet occur within specific boundaries.

So even when the lashon hara is for a beneficial purpose, it still doesn't allow for a free-for-all.

If you grew up secular with the "right" to express yourself however you feel, the laws of lashon hara demand quite an adjustment.

To their eternal credit, a great many Orthodox Jewish women have taken upon themselves to learn 1 or 2 halachot a day to keep on top of lashon hara and prevent verbal mishaps.

Yet a lot of the surrounding culture still seeps in.
 
When I think of how much I know about a friend’s parents, spouse, parents-in-law, or children—EVEN when I don’t know the friend so well—it gives pause for thought.

After many instances of this over the years and learning the laws of lashon hara, I started to realize that it's not good to know much of what I’ve been told. It’s not my business and there’s no toelet (practical benefit) to to it.

Several times, it also happened that I thought that I was the designated "one or two confidants" permitted (with certain strictures) by halacha, only to discover later that I was merely yet another in a long line of confidants, which included the speaker's friends, therapists, siblings or other family members, telephone hotlines, rebbetzins, contacts -- or some combination thereof.

Note: The one speaking about her problems was never manipulative as far as I could tell. She didn't intend to gather a long chain of confidants -- it just happened. How? In a very painful situation, people get desperate and jump from promoted solution to promoted solution. Also, continuous pain is bound to leak out at times.

Having said that, it's notable that all this outpouring and seeking never brought the speaker any relief (except very temporary relief). On the contrary, sometimes the response of a chosen confidant piled even more frustration into the equation. It certainly never produced a solution to the problematic relationship, so the pattern of seeking out new confidants continued, often for years.

​So while understandable, it's rarely helpful and even damaging -- though it FEELS like the right thing to do. It feels "cleansing" and "honest" and "real." But unless performed according to halacha, it usually doesn't help and even harms. This idea will be discussed further in Part II.
 
On the other hand, here's a positive example...

​As a young mother, one of the aspects of the FFB community that hit me in the face was how other young mothers seemed very uncomfortable if I complained too much about a child (especially a child around 5 or older) or mentioned more than very neutral normal things for that age.

While previous experience in the secular world already impressed upon me the importance of NOT kvetching about older children, especially when they were around (including NOT indulging in the oh-so acceptable joking manner that "allows" parents to publically malign & humiliate their preteen or teenager), I was surprised that these yeshivish women rejected lashon hara regarding a much younger child too.

​Initially, I felt the discomfort and defensiveness that comes when indulging in a behavior I thought was okay, but suddenly got a hint that it really wasn't.

But after mulling it over, I realized they were absolutely right.

Children have a right to grow up without being stigmatized by their parents for their innate character flaws (which we all have) or more disturbingly, being stigmatized because the parents’ character flaws prevent them from seeing their child accurately.

Recently, an acquaintance mentioned that her 10-year-old son is on Ritalin.

She said it proudly and gratefully (“It works! It doesn’t always work with everyone.”) Little did she know that despite having put one of my own children on the lowest dose of Ritalin for several months after a couple of years of struggling to learn to read, I don’t think it’s a good idea. I wish I’d invested in davening & cheshbon hanefesh rather than medicating the problem, and certainly as a long-term solution, research shows it’s very problematic.

But I didn’t say anything except, “Mm. I understand.” (Because I do understand—I just don’t agree. But I’m definitely sympathetic.)

Since she is a very sincere, knowledgeable, and especially refined frum lady, it was surprising that she blabbed like this. However, both secular and frum media encourage openness about mental health issues and psychotropic medication in the mistaken belief that such openness is a fantastic boon to dealing with mental health issues -- and even part of the main solution.

And this is the openness encouraged by secular society, along with the attitude encouraged by secular psychiatry which has unfortunately been promoted by English-speaking frum media for years now: "Down with stigma!"

The question is whether a mother has a right to reveal that information to others? Especially since the mother above intends it as a long-term solution, if I see that child at 15, I’m going to assume he’s still on Ritalin (or some variation thereof). And does the 10-year-old mind that his mother (who is an otherwise sincerely frum and dedicated person) just blabs that out to anyone? (A lot of 10-year-olds on Ritalin do NOT want anyone to know!)

Another mother of a sixteen-year-old mentioned that she had her son on Ritalin to keep him in yeshivah. Yet my son, who was friends with him, said that the sixteen-year-old doesn’t want ANYONE to know, it’s a big secret, and I need to make sure I never let out a peep about it, including never indicating to the boy in any way that I know.

​Is that okay?
 
While we needn’t pretend our lives or our family members are perfect, halacha still demands circumspection regarding what we say about them.

There are 3 people involved in lashon hara:

• The speaker
• The listener
• The one being spoken about

And the basic halacha of lashon hara is this:

If I, the speaker, think negatively of what I’m saying about someone, it’s forbidden. (It’s forbidden even if the listener feels positively about it and the subject of the speech doesn’t mind.)

Example: Let’s say I think vegetarians are ridiculous. The listener thinks vegetarianism is fine. The vegetarian of whom I’m speaking is fine with everyone knowing he’s a vegetarian. But because I mean it in a derogatory way, it’s lashon hara.

If you, the listener, think negatively of what I’m saying about someone, it’s forbidden. (It’s forbidden even if the speaker feels positively about it and the subject of the speech doesn’t mind.)

Example: Let’s say I think vegetarians are admirable. The listener thinks vegetarianism is for dummies. The vegetarian of whom I’m speaking is fine with everyone knowing he’s a vegetarian. But because the listener hears it in a derogatory way, it’s lashon hara.

If the person being spoken about doesn’t want other people to know OR doesn’t want people to talk about that facet of them, it’s forbidden. (It’s forbidden even if both the speaker and the listener feel positively about it.)

Example: Let’s say both I and the listener think vegetarians are admirable. But the vegetarian of whom I’m speaking prefers to keep his vegetarianism a secret; he feels private about it and doesn’t want it known or spoken of. So even though you and I speak of him in a positive way, it’s still lashon hara.

As you can see, it can get a bit complicated.

While reading through the above, you may already be conjuring up situations that lead you to say, “But what about this? And what about that?”

That’s when you need to ask a lashon hara expert.

Also, the above shows how easy it is to stumble into lashon hara, particularly if both you and the listener feel positively about the subject, even though the subject doesn’t want it known or talked about OR if both you and the subject feel positively and you didn’t realize that the listener feels negatively.

This is why many people advise against talking about other people at all. It’s so easy for even a well-meaning & careful speaker to stumble in this area.

In the Pele Yoetz's chapter on Rosh Hashanah, he provides recommendations for reading Tehillim:

• Every place that mentions enemies (oyavim), haters (sonim), oppressors (tzarim), etc., you should have in mind the Heavenly prosecutors (mekatrigim), who are are the true enemies: enemies of our souls.
• Every place that mentions misfortune (tzarah), distress (tzukah), etc., you should have in mind your own personal distress
• Every place that mentions "life," you should have in mind 2 things:

1) Your spiritual existence:

• that you should be alive
• that you should feel the love of God all your days
• that you should feel the fear of God all your days

2) Your physical existence:

• you should want to live in order to serve your Creator
• you should not be the cause of any anger or grief for Hashem or the Shechinah
• you should complete the rectification (tikkun) of your body, spirit, and soul.

The Pele Yoetz repeats the well-known recommendation to read all of Tehillim twice because there are 150 chapters of Psalms and 150+150=300, which is the numeric equivalent of kaper (atone).

He recommends doing this over Rosh Hashanah (read all of Tehillim each day for those 2 days), but I've heard others recommend doing this over the 10 Days of Teshuvah, which comes out to a book day. (Tehillim is split up into 5 books containing around 30-40 chapters each.)

While the Pele Yoetz lauds the recitation containing proper understanding of the meaning of the words, he adds that if one doesn't know the actual meaning, one should at least read them carefully letter by letter, word by word.

(I'm assuming there was no Bulgarian translation of Tehillim available at that time because he doesn't mention reading Tehillim in another language for those who can't understand the Hebrew, which is admittedly very hard Hebrew, harder than the Hebrew of Chumash. In Israel, they sell Tehillim with the modern Hebrew "translation" underneath each word because the syntax and vocabulary of Tehillim can be so challenging until you learn it well enough.)

Needless to say, translations of Tehillim exist in almost every language, so you can use that too.

I personally know of illiterate women who cannot even read the words. Instead, they place their finger on each word and look at it. And in this way, they can participate in saying Tehillim, even as they technically remain completely silent.

It's the heart and the intention that counts.

At the same time, the Pele Yoetz repeats a well-known statement of the Sages in Tur, Orach Chaim, Siman 1:
"A small amount with proper intent is better than a large amount without proper intent."
("Tov me'at b'kavanah m'harbot b'lo kavanah.")

So each person needs to know his or her own heart and capabilities.

And again, more than anything else, it's the heart that counts.