Category: Pele Yoetz

Inspiring Free Graphic with a Quote from the Pele Yoetz

23/1/2022

"Just as it is impossible to have grain without straw & wood without smoke,
so too there is no man who does not make a mistake."

— Rav Eliezer Papo
Pele Yoetz

Beautiful Graphic with Motivational Quote from Pele Yoetz by Rav Eliezer Papo

27/6/2021

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What Yiftach's Challenge Teaches Us about Our Own Challenges & How to Respond in the Best Way Possible

30/6/2020

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A recurring theme streaming throughout Tanach is the tremendous dedication to Am Yisrael demonstrated by even those rejected by Am Yisrael.

We see this with David Hamelech, Moshe Rabbeinu, Yosef Hatzaddik, Yirmiyahu HaNavi, Yiftach HaGiladi (Jephte of Gilad) and more.

Let's look at the saga of Yiftach (Shoftim/Judges 11:1-12:7), which also features in the Haftarah for Parshat Chukat.

Yiftach, like some other people in Tanach, did not start out from such noble stock.

Like Gidon, he was born into one of the smallest & least prestigious of the Tribes: Menashe.

Furthermore, his mother's status (which influences Yiftach's status) lacks propriety.

The Torah uses a term for her which could mean that she was a pundakeet (a woman who runs an inn — and while not forbidden, it's not a proper job for a bat Melech), or that she married out of her Tribe (again, not forbidden, but not the proper thing to do either), or that she was simply Gilad's pilegesh (concubine) — a woman permitted to him & faithful to him, but who is involved with him without the benefit of Kiddushin (marriage).

The truth is, none of these theories contradict each other, so she could have been all three.

Anyway, Yiftach's father, Gilad, also had an official wife. (I don't know whether Gilad's relationship with Yiftach's mother occurred before Gilad's proper marriage or during, though it sounds like before.)

At one point, Yiftach's half-brothers (from Gilad & Gilad's official wife) decided to banish Yiftach from their entire community.

Declaring they didn't want Yiftach inheriting with them from Gilad, they chased him out by force.

And the elders of that area supported the actions of Yiftach's half-brothers.

Let's stop here for a moment and examine what happened to Yiftach here.

Yiftach's Traumatic Experience

According to halacha, Yiftach had every right to inherit his father.

After all, the son of a pilegesh is still a son.

The pilegesh is wholly faithful to her man; there is no doubt as to who is the father of her child.

Yet even if the Yiftach's half-brothers didn't know this halacha, the elders certainly did!

Furthermore, the half-brothers chased out Yiftach with a great deal of force, say the commentaries. Described as a gibbur chayil later chosen to lead the battle against the powerful Ammonites, Yiftach must have been both physically imposing and a skillful combatant.

I don't know whether he physically fought back against his half-brothers, but the commentaries say they chased him out aggressively (maybe they took a strong offensive due to his size & skill, even if he didn't end up fighting back).

This is very serious because you have extremely aggressive and halachically wrong actions...supported by not only by Yiftach's own Tribe — but by the elders of his own community within that Tribe (which was also called Gilad, like his father).

And Yiftach was all on his own. He had no other full sibling, nor do the text or commentaries mention other family members.

This all sounds profoundly traumatic.

Where Yiftach Crosses the Line from Good into Great

And indeed, Yiftach ends up in a land called "Tov," where he hangs out with do-nothings.

But he also ends up as their leader; they willingly follow him.

And he apparently enjoys the good life in the land of Tov.

Yet Yiftach's physical prowess & charisma don't go unnoticed by his Tribe.

At one point, the same elders of Gilad make their way to the land of Tov and approach Yiftach with an offer: They want him to fight the powerful Ammonite nation on their behalf.

They immediately offer him chiefdom before even stating their request.

But Yiftach reminds them how they hate him and drove him out from his father's house:

"And why have you come to me now when you're in distress?"

The elders don't even try to play games with him. (You know, like, "Oh, but Yiftach our brother, YOU didn't understand...it was all a big misunderstanding!" or "Oh, are you still upset over THAT? C'mon, you're bigger than that..." or "Look, no one could be completely sure about your paternity, so you gotta understand this was the only way.")

Instead, the elders basically say, "Yeah, that IS why we've come now. Exactly. Now, come on; let's get going with this conquest."

But Yiftach has one more stipulation: If Hashem delivers the Ammonites into Yiftach's hand, Yiftach wants to be more than a military chief; he wants to be their leader.

They agree.

So Yiftach travels back with them to Gilad and he rejoins his birthplace and his people.

And he also maintains his connection with Hashem. (He doesn't move forward without praying first.)

Why Yiftach is a Real Gibbur Chayil

The story of Yiftach continues with tremendous victory in battle & successful leadership, but also personal tragedy.

Yet all in all, Yiftach who was an am ha'aretz of ignoble birth (and his ending is so great either), merited not only to become a Shofet, but also merited an entire chapter about him in Tanach.

Not all the Shoftim earned more than a brief mention.

Furthermore, when he needed it for his role as Judge, ruach hakodesh rested upon him.

So what's behind the success of Yiftach, who was prioritized by Chazal as the LEAST of the Shoftim?

So it's like this:

Yiftach could have told the elders to go jump.

Yes, he could have.

Yiftach was enjoying the good life in Tov with his band of merry men.

He didn't need to be affected by an Ammonite invasion of Menashe.

Also, if Menashe really found itself in trouble, other Tribes could come to the rescue (as they did).

Furthermore, Yiftach was a religious person. Not a scholarly one, but a religious one. (Everyone was religious back then.)

If the people merited it & Hashem wanted them to win, so they would.

Simple as that.

Finally, couldn't Yiftach gloat in the persecution of Menashe?

"Oho!" he could have said with the smuggest of smirks. "Now you're on the other side of the stick. How does it feel, eh? You know what? You had your chance. You could've stepped up to plate when I was down for the count, but you didn't. You made your bed — so go lie in it and leave me the heck alone."

And then he could have cheered on the Ammonites. ("Stick it to 'em! Yeeeeah!")

He really didn't have to care.

Also, he was already a successful leader in Tov. What did he need the prestige of Tribal leadership for? For what did he need the responsibility of people who'd treated him so badly and seemed not to like him at all?

But not only did Yiftach did step up to bat...he performed marvelously.

He saved his Tribe and then as their leader, he was a good & honest Judge.

In other words: not one smidgen of retaliation.

He consistently behaved with goodness & fairness to the same people who had so badly hurt and rejected him.

And Yiftach was always whole with Hashem. Whether he was living as the unwanted brother in Gilad or cruising as the leader of empty-headed men in Tov or presiding over Am Yisrael as a Shofet, Yiftach held on to his emunah.

Ultimately, Yiftach was loyal.

Despite everything, Yiftach maintained loyalty to Hashem and thus, loyalty to his Tribe.

He was there for them when they really needed him.

And that's the example to learn from.

Why Yiftach was a Real Gibbur — a Real Winner

Certainly, in both halacha & Tanach, we find situations when we must be tough with others.

But in general, we're supposed to know that Hashem is behind everything and not take stuff personally.

We are supposed to overcome our pain and do the right thing no matter what.

Rav Avigdor Miller has stressed that love of our fellows must emanate from a love of Hashem — and that's what happened with Yiftach.

The text mentions how he prayed and spoke to Hashem.

Yiftach was able to overcome his trauma and preside with good grace over the same people who'd hurt him so badly because of his emunah.

As the Pele Yoetz reiterates throughout, a rodef shalom is only made when peace flees a person and he must pursue it.

If the peace stays serenely with a person, then there is no need to pursue it and thus, such a person cannot be a pursuer of peace.

Likewise, the Pele Yoetz also asks rhetorically whether a man can be praised for his good behavior if his household is pleasant & accommodating.

If his wife, children, and household staff always behave with him pleasantly & accommodatingly, says the Pele Yoetz, then what's the big deal for him to be Mr. Nicey-Nice in return?

Where's the challenge? Of course he's nice to such nice people!

But, says the Pele Yoetz, if his wife his difficult and his family & household staff try his patience, then a man who behaves pleasantly to such people — HE deserves praise! He's the winner.

That's real middot.

Why Yiftach's Half-Brothers & the Elders of Gilad Do NOT Reflect Badly on Am Yisrael as a Whole

Another important facet needs to be addressed here.

Unfortunately, Jew-disdainers look to magnify scenarios like the above as examples of those "bad Jews" in Tanach and why Hashem rejected the Jews (chas v'shalom) in favor of believers in the gospels.

And sometimes unthinking Jews themselves wonder what there is to be proud of when we have ancestors who behaved like Yiftach's half-brothers & the elders of Gilad.

(There's a LOT to be proud of! So many of our ancestors did magnificently wonderful things!)

So again, to reiterate the point of the Pele Yoetz: Being really nice to people who are really nice to you does NOT mean you are a nice person.

It could mean that, but it doesn't have to.

After all, being surrounded by pleasant & accommodating people does not incite you into behaving not-nice.

Therefore, if you want to be a truly good person, then you need to behave with integrity & love in situations when you are being treated UNfairly & UNlovingly & UNpleasantly.

This means that Hashem must put you in such situations.

In other words: To be the kind of person who responds to darkness with illumination, you must be placed in a dark room.

Your light can never be seen in the brightness of the noonday sun.

In order to see your light, there needs to be darkness.

And that's why these persecutions of very good & innocent people needed to happen.

These persecutions do not reflect on Am Yisrael as a whole.

These people NEEDED for them to happen. So Hashem activated these events.

How Bar Kamtzah Not Only Missed the Boat, But Sank the Whole Ship

One final piece of food for thought:

We see that behaving with love & integrity & emunah in the face of terrible rejection is the cornerstone for true greatness and also for Mashiach (Ruth, King David, and Leah Imeinu were all terribly rejected at some point.)

But the opposite is also true.

In the infamous story of Kamtza & Bar Kamtza, Bar Kamtza found himself faced with terrible rejection & humiliation — rejection & humiliation that occurred with the seeming agreement of the great rabbis seated there.

It was a much lighter version of what happened to Yiftach and others.

Yet was was Bar Kamtzah's reaction?

SEETHING HATRED. REVENGE. RETALIATION.

Bar Kamtzah actively sought to hurt the people who hurt him — and he involved a powerful enemy nation in order to execute his plan.

It was the exact opposite of how our greatest people responded to pain & rejection...

...and it led to the Destruction of the Second Beit Hamikdash, which still remains desolate 2000 years later.

Elevating Yourself & Your Nation (or not)

So we see here that taking the low road in response to rejection & pain leads to terrible destruction of everything we cherish most.

Yet we also see that taking the higher road in response to rejection & pain leads to the highest levels of human achievement: nevuah (prophecy), ruach kodesh (a lower level of prophecy), and Mashiach.

So we see that our response to pain, rejection, betrayal, persecution, and unfairness holds the key to our own personal greatness & National success...or not.

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The Authentic Torah View of (and Advice for) a Truly Awful Person...including One who was Born that Way.

28/6/2020

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In the Pele Yoetz's chapter Character Traits/Middot, Rav Eliezer Papo addresses the personality that seems "born to be bad"— a bad seed, in other words.

He rhetorically asks what shall a "son" do if he personifies the following:

his middot are bad
the thought patterns of his very mind (dei'ot) are warped
he strays from the way of good sense (seichel)
he says to bad: "Good" and to good, he says "Bad"...

...and to compound things, the above dynamics are perfectly "straight in his eyes."

"This is a sick evil with no cure," Rav Papo pronounces.

That sounds pretty hopeless.

Also, notice he doesn't just say it's bad. Rav Papo calls such a situation a ra'ah cholah — the ra'ah, the evil is not only evil, it's cholah — it's sick.

And it's apparently 100% incurable.

So what's a "son" to do?

(It's also interesting that he uses the word ben, "son" or "child," rather than "person" or "man." I don't know why he uses that term.)

How to Stop being Awful & Start Living

Never give up! Despite his stoic assessment, Rav Papo has some tips for such a hopelessly awful person:

He must pour out his soul 3 times a day during Shemoneh Esrei (apparently, Rav Papo also composed a special prayer for the sickly evil person to say at the appropriate point in Shemoneh Esrei)
He must request that Hashem rectify him with good counsel to be made whole in his middot, his mind, and in all aspects of spiritual wholeness. (In other words, he needs to complete whatever he's missing, even though it's admittedly a lot.)
He must do what is good & upright in the eyes of God & man.
He must constantly learn mussar books.
He must submit himself to Torah scholars.
He must learn from the behavior of Torah scholars.
He must not deviate from anything they say, no matter how it sounds to him.
He must not rely on his own understanding.
He must nullify his opinion before that of others.
He must nullify his desire before that of others.
He must utilize every last bit of strength to go against his nature.
He must utilize every last bit of strength to go against his way of thinking.

Finally, he must strive to actualize all of the above until he it's ingrained within him and Hashem opens his eyes to allow him to see with his eyes & understand with his heart which is the straight path.

Then he'll repent and heal.

It's important to note that Rav Papo makes no promises; he prefaces the above by saying ulai — perhaps he will be saved. Maybe.

At the same time, a person who commits to the above program is fairly certain to succeed, Rav Papo reassures us.

He reminds us that any person who comes to purify him- or herself merits assistance directly from Heaven.

Also, l'fum tza'ara agra — according to the effort you invest, that's what you'll reap.

(It's also illuminating to learn how Shemoneh Esrei plays such a powerful role in transforming an awful person. It's clear from the Pele Yoetz that Shemoneh Esrei said with kavanah, plus the inclusion of heartfelt personal pleading at the appropriate point, is a type of segulah for one imbued with "sick evil.")

Life is Not a Monopoly Game

Rav Papo emphasizes that life is not a Monopoly game.

There is no Get Out of Gehinnom Free! card.

He states:

It does not exempt him on the Day of Judgment by saying: "That's how my character was, that's what my mind grasped, and I couldn't resist and go beyond my character and my way of thinking."

This will not extract him from the the "hands" of transgression.

Why?

...because anything that a man desires — he can do everything by means of toil and exertion..."man was born to toil."

Rav Papo wraps up this short (but powerful!) chapter by reminding us that a person's entire purpose of existence is to:

toil in Torah
provide contentment (nachat ruach) to Hashem

How does this apply to us today?

The Road to Hell is Paved with Popeyes

The "I'm okay, you're okay" mentality developed in the Seventies has seeped into over 2 generations so far.

Long before that, you had Popeye the Sailorman inculcating generations of small children by singing "I yam what yam and that's all that I yam!" (I am what I am and that's all that I am.)

In the Seventies & Eighties, blaming negative experiences & faulty upbringings excused a lot of poor behavior — including in the courtroom.

Unfortunately, many well-intentioned frum people (in a desire to give the benefit of the doubt) embraced this way of thinking and inadvertently justify unjustifiable behavior.

(Doing so is a form of chanifah, by the way; a severe Torah prohibition.)

Then came labels and that's still in vogue: narcissist, personality disorder, psychopath, sociopath, hyperactive, and so on.

(I use these terms too, by the way, because I find them a good short-cut to conveying a certain idea. But modern pop psychology uses them to support a different agenda.)

Tremendous amounts of literature exist on whether psychopaths are born or made (some say psychopaths are born while sociopaths are made), whether narcissist personality disorder is an inherited disorder, genetic determination, and so on.

And also, there is so much discussion as to whether any of the above can be cured. (Science says it can't...although the field epigenetics is fighting against the idea of genetic determination. Epigenetics basically means that your thoughts & behavior can activate or deactivate various genes.)

But the answers were laid out in this short chapter nearly 2 centuries ago.

In other words, a person who is a narcissist or a psychopath will not be excused for their abusive behavior when standing before the Heavenly Court.

And they're not totally hopeless either.

Either way, the "Popeye defense" will not be admissible in Court.

There is Still Room for Patience & Compassion. However...

It's important to stress that showing compassion for someone going through a hard time is not the same as justifying bad behavior.

I think we've all encountered people who behave like a person crying & thrashing out in pain, like the emotional version of a person with a foot caught crushed in an animal trap.

That's their emotional state.

And probably we've all behaved in that way at least once ourselves.

If so, we probably remember with gratitude any people who showed us compassion while we were trapped in that state. Maybe they even helped us out of it (i.e., managed to extract our mangled foot from the crushing trap).

So if someone is going through a difficult time or if they are really struggling to work on themselves, but fail at times, then why not give them a break?

Why not give them the benefit of the doubt, along with some patience, compassion, and encouragement?

After all, no one is perfect!

However, people who consistently behave badly with little or no remorse — and have done so for most of their lives?

And furthermore, they don't even seem to know that their behavior is hurtful or wrong?

Their trail of transgressions isn't going to be swept clean.

And please note that the description of personality disorders and psycho/sociopathy is completely encompassed by Rav Papo's description of a person imbued with "sick evil."

Evil looks good to such a person. That's what he says. Think about that for a minute.

Think about what that means & everything that implies.

And even more strangely, goodness looks BAD.

His or her very way of thinking (de'ot) is ugly; it's all warped.

And all the wrong, warped, crazy thoughts & attitudes seem perfectly upright (yashar) in the eyes of such a person.

They're the normal person (in their own mind).

They're the superior person (in their own mind).

Yet ultimately, they don't have any excuse.

Somewhere inside of them, implies the Pele Yoetz, is some type of awareness they can access and then utilize for self-improvement.

In other words, they are still expected to try.

Toil can Make a Bitter Fate Turn Sweet

We are doing neither victims nor their persecutors a favor by justifying halachically forbidden behavior.

If it's forbidden, then it's forbidden.

And if a person habitually indulges in such behavior, and thinks it's perfectly right while being convinced that the opposite behavior (a mitzvah) is wrong, then we certainly cannot minimize or whitewash it with platitudes like, "Oh, that's just the way she is" or "He was abused as a child." And so on.

And tough luck to any of us born with any bad middot or da'ot that make good behavior feel all wrong.

We're just going to have to work even harder and suffer more discomfort than others.

That's all.

But in the end, all that exertion & discomfort turns into something wonderful (Eternal Life) if we keep on pushing.

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The Pele Yoetz: How & Why You Should Avoid Hurtful Words

23/6/2020

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When you see the same values emphasized repeatedly throughout Jewish scholarship, regardless of the era, surrounding culture, and anything else, then you know it is a core universal Torah value.

Likewise when Rav Avigdor Miller (a Slabodka-educated American rav from the 20th century) emphasizes the same points — even word for word at times! — as Rav Eliezer Papo (a Sefardi rav living in Muslim Bulgaria in the late 1700s-early 1800s), then you know that means that is core Torah value that must be taken to heart.

Rav Avigdor Miller has discussed the importance of taking care not to hurt people with words. (Please see Destructive Words & Healing Words: Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Behar-Bechukotai.)

And Rav Papo does the same in his masterpiece Pele Yoetz.

(The following points are gleaned from the chapters Ona'ah/Deceit & Fraud, pg. 86-87, and Klilot 1/General Principles I, #26, pg. 666-667.)

I Think Sticks & Stones Might be the Better Option Here...

The Pele Yoetz notes that ona'at devarim (harmful words) is more severe than ona'at mamon (monetary fraud).

Many of us struggle to get our head around that idea.

Due to outside influences, verbal abuse and other harmful words are often shrugged off as "Oh, he's just letting off steam; he doesn't mean anything by it" or "That's just how she is — blunt! Don't take it so much to heart" or "Just kidding!"

However, if someone steals or tricks a person out of money (even a small amount), does anyone ever say, "Oh, he's just greedy like that, but he doesn't mean anything by it" or "That's just how she is — a fraudster! Don't take it so much to heart" or "Just kidding!"?

At the same time, the Pele Yoetz gives the benefit of the doubt by acknowledging that many people stumble in this prohibition because they do not know what hurtful speech entails.

So here is Rav Eliezer Papo's definition:

והכלל הוא שכל שמצער את חברו בדבריו הוי אונאת דברים

The rule is that anyone who pains his fellow with his words — this is ona'at devarim.

This also includes returning a hurt with a hurt.

So if you say something hurtful to someone who hurt you (even in jest!), says the Pele Yoetz, then in addition to the prohibition of hurtful speech, you are also transgressing the prohibition against taking revenge.

And exactly how careful do we need to be with the prohibition against hurtful speech?

Here's the Pele Yoetz again:

ולא יעשה ולא ידבר שום דבר שיש לחוש אחד למני אלף שיכול לגרום צער לחברו

And he must not do and must not say anything for which there is even a one-in-a-thousand chance that it could cause pain to his fellow.

At one point, the Pele Yoetz goes on to emphasize the Heavenly punishment for such things: "total destruction."

Is your stomach clenching at these words? Are you getting that "Uh-oh" feeling?

Is your heart sinking as you remember all the times you were "just kidding" or "just being honest" or only doing to them what they did to you — or even the innocent words said when you do care about feelings, but simply weren't aware of how they affected the other person?

(That's how I felt reading the above.)

Well, never fear!

The Pele Yoetz has some helpful tips for us.

Here's the main one:

Tip #1
"That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow."
— Gemara Shabbat 31a

So all the things that make you go "Grrrr..."?

Just do your best not to do those to others.

Here is another tip to know how to avoid ona'at devarim:

Be careful to avoid hurting another person via:

speech (dibur)
action (ma'aseh)
looking (r'eya)
hinting (remizah)

It's very interesting to note that ona'at devarim also includes hurting someone via non-verbal methods, like facial expressions or staring, and also via purely physical non-verbal acts.

Yeah, I knew they were prohibited, but I didn't know they were prohibited as ona'at devarim — hurtful words.

(This is why it is so important to review mussar on a regular basis. How many times have I read this section and missed the point that your eyes & actions can also transgress ona'at devarim without saying a word?)

Also, hinting, looking, and action all fall into the realm of emotional abuse (as "forgetting," accidentally-on-purpose behavior, sabotaging, "gas-lighting," etc.).

That's pretty heavy.

Who Knew that Stand-Up Comedy & Amusing Tweets are Just a Big Bloodfest?

Even decent people sometimes say hurtful words.

Let's look at some situations addressed by the Pele Yoetz:

• Situation #1
"He hurt me first."

As mentioned above, this is revenge and severely prohibited by the Torah.

• Situation #2
"He is a total jerk — I mean REALLY bad. He deserves it."

Unless this is an open admonition from love, says the Pele Yoetz, then it is not only revenge, but you are being used as the punishing stick to punish this wicked person.

Why is that a problem? (After all, the jerk really does deserve it!)

The answer is in Shmuel I:24:14 — "From evil people comes evil — Mershaim yetzeh resha..."

As Rashi says there: As punishment, Hashem decrees that a bad man falls into the hands of another man bad like himself.

So in a nutshell, Hashem uses unpleasant people to carry out unpleasant tasks.

It's already problematic enough that the jerk is a bad person. "Why should [you let him make] his fellow wicked like him?" asks the Pele Yoetz rhetorically.

(Meaning, why should you insert yourself into the category of reshaim by being the punishment for the jerk?)

• Situation #3
"Just kidding! LOL! I'm not being serious. It's all in jest. Anyway, everyone loves it — they're literally rolling on the floor with laughter. And the comment got so many likes and retweets..."

Oh boy.

If it's in a joking manner, says the Pele Yoetz, then:

נמצא שעושה שחוק מדמו של זה

...it's as if he's making a joke from the blood of the other.

Yuck.

That's very strong imagery.

It's as if you stab your friend, then extract his blood and produce a comedy skit from it.

Along these lines, the Pele Yoetz answers the excuse: "I'm joking! — Misachek ani!" with the following:

הרי אתה שעושה שחוק בדמך ובנפשך כמתלהלה היורה זיקים

Behold, you are making a joke with your own blood and your own soul like "one who exhausts himself slinging firebrands" [Mishlei 26:18]

The Pele Yoetz also says the same about people who pain their friends via joking & giddiness in order to increase merriment.

Don't Worry about not being Psychic! The Main Thing is Simply to TRY.

Having said all that, no one is perfect and reading minds impossible.

At the end of Ona'ah/Deceit, Rav Eliezer Papo reminds us that we must constantly strive (yishtadel) to cultivate in others a favorable attitude toward ourselves, so that they'll feel comfortable around us.

Hashem doesn't expect us to be perfect, but He does expect us to TRY.

And as long as we try, then Rav Papo promises that the attitude of Hashem will likewise be favorable toward us.

(This should also be some comfort for times when we're forced to deal with bitter or abusive people who insist on playing the victim or who actively seek out "faults" in order to justify their abusive behavior, and do not wish to view their victims in a favorable light. As long as you TRY to avoid hurting others, you're still okay with Hashem.)

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A Little Bit about My Journey of Discovery from "Imitation" (albeit well-intentioned) Chinuch to Authentic Torah Chinuch

14/6/2020

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When my 2 oldest boys were much younger (like ages 5 & 6, maybe?), I took them to visit a friend on Shabbos night until the men came home from davening.

This friend is one of those super-efficient super-competent types. Upon our arrival, she immediately showed my sons a toy she was sure they'd enjoy.

And they did.

Having never seen this particular toy before, they weren't sure how to use it. But they were pretty good at figuring out stuff & enjoyed figuring out stuff together, so I knew that would occupy them nicely & appreciated her thoughtfulness.

Then my friend noticed they were unfamiliar with the toy and immediately got down on the floor with them to show how it worked.

She did so with a lot of friendly confidence, enabling each boy to have a turn and see how to do it himself.

According to the "textbook" approach, everything she did was exactly right.

Except that one of my boys (the one most like me) found it overwhelming.

For him, her proximity was too close, her face leaning down to smile at him was too much in his face, and her approach of showing him how to do it then intently watching him do it himself, and even her enthusiastic right-in-his-face "Great! You did a great job with that — what a smart boy!" was all too overwhelming.

He got that turtle-trying-to-huddle-into-his-shell posture while looking at her with wide eyes that clearly said "This is such a nice friendly lady — why is she digging so hard into my kishkes?"

Wholeheartedly identifying with him, yet not wanting to hurt my friend (because she was going out of her way to be so considerate of them & it's not her fault she can't read minds), I gently maneuvered him up to sit with me on the sofa and he looked much relieved.

"What's wrong?" my friend chirped, genuinely surprised as she leaned way too close to his face again. "It's okay if you didn't get it the first time! You were doing really well! Do you want to try it again? Do you want me to do it with you? C'mon, don't feel bad — I'll do it with you!"

I put a gentle, yet protective arm around my son who was again looking at her like he couldn't believe that such a nice friendly lady was totally frying out all his sensory nodes, and nicely explained to her that he was genuinely happy observing.

That wasn't completely true, of course.

The truth is that he was genuinely happy figuring out the toy with his not-much-older brother and would've been perfectly happy doing that.

But now that the dynamic had changed, he felt much better sitting next to his mommy and observing the goings-on from the sofa.

Then she leaned a little too close (for his individual liking) and said, "You want to just watch? Are you sure? Well, that's okay! If you feel more comfortable just watching, then that's totally fine! But whenever you feel like coming down on the floor to play again, that's fine too!"

I found the whole thing amusing because she was being so helpful & accepting, but had no clue that for what they now call "a highly sensitive personality," her approach wasn't innately wrong or bad, but simply too overwhelming.

Like I said, I'm like this too, so I very much understood my son, but I also understood that my friend was totally innocent because highly sensitive children need telepathy in order to really meet their needs, and you simply can't win every single time.

My friend WAS being sensitive to his needs — just not in the way he truly needed.

So I made a mental note to speak with him later so that he'd feel normal & also understand more about people who can't read his mind so that he'll learn how to deal with such situations in the future.

What intrigued me, however, was the response of my other son: It was the exact opposite.

He LOVED her approach. He thrived on it.

He automatically moved close to her and got so close that he nearly melded with her.

He came alive and responded her remarks, asked her questions, and performed all the little maneuvers, thriving on all the attention and the positive response from her.

He was glowing.

When she needed to get up to attend to her own children, his body sagged in disappointment. He'd enjoyed the whole interplay with her so much.

When her husband came home from shul, it was hard to get my older son to leave and then he immediately wanted to know when he could come back again.

Attuning to a Different Psyche: Lesson Learned

Despite the fact that, of course, I knew that different children possess different natures and need to be dealt with accordingly, the above situation proved an eye-opening experience.

For example, I knew that some kids love sports and some kids hate sports.

Some kids are bookworms and some kids can't even finish a comic book.

And so on and on and on.

But it simply hadn't occurred to me that what I always perceived as an "invasive" approach that made me (and my second son, apparently) feel intensely uncomfortable would not only be so desirable to my older son, but be exactly what he needs to make him come alive & thrive!

That's a VERY big difference in approach.

As we walked home that same Shabbat, I asked my older son how he liked my friend's interaction with him and why.

He was very enthusiastic about her and answered my questions as best he could. (He was very young, so I didn't expect much insight, but was happy with whatever I could get out of him because it was a learning experience for me too.)

At that point, I resolved to interact more with him in a way that felt unnatural to me because I saw that his innate nature really needed this type of highly involved interaction.

So I resolved to try harder to interact with him in a way that "gets into his kishkes" — which is what that feels like for me — because for him, it feels very caring & speaks to his deepest nature.

Some Handy Info regarding the Type Eight Personality

For those familiar with the Enneagram and the way to relate to the Type Eight child's personality (my older son's personality, which thrived on the intensely involved interaction), his response is no surprise.

For those unfamiliar with the Enneagram, Type Eights are the most stereotypically masculine type (including female Eights). And I mean that in a positive way. They're very independent, capable, savvy, decisive, assertive types who are not particularly fearful or insecure. They like to get things moving in life, whether in work or play.

You find these types a lot in the police, fire brigade, combat units, rescue units, competitive sports, leadership or managerial positions, and so on. A lot of businessmen & women are also Eights.

While talking about how to best raise an Eight child is a entire post in itself, let's just say that for them, consistency IS love. They don't differentiate between consistency & love...which means that a parent must be consistent at all times.

This means sticking to the rules & standards of the home.

It means being involved with them and always aware of where they are and what they're doing. (Admittedly, easier said than done.)

It also means being emotionally consistent (i.e., you the parent aren't ever too angry or too perky or too this or too that — as far as emotional expression goes, you are even-keeled). And yes, it's a massive challenge for those of us with very emotional natures.

You can learn more about this personality type here: Type Eight — The Enneagram Institute.

There is No-One-Size-Fits-All in Chinuch. There isn't Even 3-Sizes-Fit-All in Chinuch.

Anyway, I was taking a chinuch course at that time, and the above situation was my first inkling that the very idea of "one general method" applicable to all children cannot be correct.

And therefore, it cannot be effective.

Having said that, yes, of course, chinuch teachers acknowledge that there are different types of personalities. The course I attended back then also did (kind of), and even offered (superficial) tips for dealing with this or that personality.

The problem is it still lacked a lot of insight and depth necessary to relate to EACH child properly.

And the course only entertained one or two personality types outside the "norm" (which doesn't really exist either).

And when the general methods either did NOT work on my child — or even worse, when they backfired and MADE LIFE WORSE, there was no chinuch book or consultant who helped me.

In fact, speaking privately with the chinuch teacher (when I could get a hold of the teacher) not only did not help, but made things worse — including make me feel worse about myself.

Ultimately, reading Miriam Adahan's book on the Enneagram (Awareness: The Key to Acceptance, Forgiveness, and Growth) and then intense study of the Enneagram via Riso & Hudson's Enneagram books helped me identify & understand my son's psyche.

That, combined with listening to adult Eights describe their experiences as children, plus my own observations of what worked with them and what did not, enabled the formulation of a personalized method for dealing with the Eight personality.

But by then, he was eleven and it was almost too late.

He'd been raised mostly wrong for his nature.

Now please don't misunderstand.

I really love him and he loves me too.

I really like how he has turned out, but I also see where I failed him.

I feel bad where I didn't parent him according to HIS needs — according to his particular and valuable psyche.

Type Eight is a great personality. These people are valuable assets to the world.

But it takes both savvy & resolve to raise them right.

I'm also resentful (yes — even after all these years!) of the "experts" who gave me such harmful advice AND made me feel bad about myself as a person & a mother in the process.

Intellectually, I know I shouldn't be resentful. After all, they meant well and anyway, it was all from Hashem for my own good.

In a nutshell, it's much easier to do teshuvah for your own wrong thinking & wrong actions.

At the same time, it is significantly more challenging to do teshuvah over ANOTHER PERSON'S wrong thinking & wrong actions (which is what following bad advice actually is).

Why It's So Important to be Nice & Supportive toward New Mothers of Young Children

Furthermore, young mothers tend to be very vulnerable because they are so young & overwhelmed with all their tasks, yet also very idealistic & impressionable & willing to do anything for their family.

So that combination makes them very vulnerable.

And their youth & inexperience & idealistic desperation to do anything for their children makes it easy to convince them to do the wrong thing (for their situation).

And their youth & inexperience & impressionability also makes it easy to make them feel bad about themselves.

And from personal observation & experience, I promise you that a mother CANNOT parent well if she feels bad about HERSELF.

It doesn't matter what personality she has or how good her middot are.

I've seen this again and again and again: As long as the mother feels bad about HERSELF, she will not be able to parent her children properly.

Too much emotional energy gets sucked into just keeping her head above water while she's lugging these negative feelings around.

I understand the good intentions behind the not-so-good methods of a lot of chinuch people.

Also, whether we're teachers or parents, we're bound to make mistakes and miss important cues no matter how hard we try and how good our intentions are.

That's all normal. Only Hashem is perfect.

But I still do not understand making mothers feel bad about themselves or making them feel like there's something wrong with them for things like...feeling overwhelmed about very normal aspects mothering.

And stuff like that.

Some Gems from an Authentic Torah Source You Can Trust: The Pele Yoetz

Ultimately, I started turning to Chazal for wisdom & guidance.

I wanted to see for myself if all the stuff people kept spouting (while claiming derivation from "authentic Torah sources!") was true.

After all, it sure wasn't working for me.

And it so closely resembled the pop psych I'd read as a teenager, plus psychology and sociology classes I'd taken in college. It surprised to me to constantly encounter those secular Western methods and ideas in the frum world being touted as authentic Torah hashkafah.

And when I started reading Chazal, I discovered that their methods & claims simply were not true after all. (They weren't lying per se, but getting caught up in what they believed were good ideas and then finagled Torah sources to fit their philosophies.)

You can read another example of that type of thing here: Seeking Advice. Please scroll down to the section titled: The Explosion of Learning Secular Psychology Amongst Torah Jews.

And just to be clear: I don't think it's automatically bad to use studies and the observations of psychologists.

I use them myself sometimes.

For example, if someone observed a pattern in 1000 similar situations, then that person's observations probably contain some helpful information.

But people shouldn't receive the impression it's from authentic Torah thought or an authentic Torah tradition. It's actually from a 20-year study or Dr. Spock or The Dance of Anger or I'm Okay—You're Okay, John Bradshaw or 5 Love Languages, or an article by a frum psychologist in a frum magazine...and NOT from King Shlomo's Mishlei or Rav Dessler or a Jewish grandmother's actual massoret (chain of tradition).

(The truth is, sometimes I think that they themselves did not realize what their actual source was. These things can get mixed together in one's mind. So again, it's good intentions with not such a good result.)

The truth is that I'm more resentful of making mother feel really bad & despairing than I am of the actual bad advice because the advice was given in good faith, but as for the accompanying attitude...?

At one point, I discovered the Pele Yoetz by Rav Eliezer Papo and when he spoke about child-rearing, he spoke about raising a child according to the individuality of EACH child.

In fact, that WAS his general advice!

Here it is in the chapter Ahavat Habanim v'habanot/Love of the Sons & the Daughters:

...hakol l'fi mah sheh hu haben...

...everything according to whatever is the child...

*

Haklal hu: l'fi daato u'middotav shel ben, ha'av tzarich l'hitnaheg imo b'ofen sheh lo yecheta.

The rule is — according to the mind and character of a child: The father needs to behave with him in a way that he [the child] won't sin.

So that's the primary goal right there, and everything you do with your child needs to maintain this goal in mind.

And goal is to prevent the child from sinning.

AND you need to do it according to EACH child's INDIVIDUAL daat & middot.

When Rav Papo declares something to be "the rule," it should really make us stand up and take notice.

So there we go.

Throughout the book, Rav Papo says that raising a child to prevent him or her from sinning requires fluidity:

Sometimes you need to speak to a child and sometimes you need to remain silent.

Sometimes you need to show a child that you noticed what he or she did, and other times, it's best to pretend you are deaf, blind, and mute.

Sometimes you need to be strict with your child, but sometimes you should nullify your will before the child's will.

That's what he says.

It depends all on what's best for THAT INDIVIDUAL CHILD, according that child's INDIVIDUAL AGE, and his or her INDIVIDUAL MIND, and his or her INDIVIDUAL PERSONALITY QUALITIES.

That's what he says in the book. Literally:

"shanav (his years, i.e. his age)"
"middotav (his qualities, his personality traits")
"daato (his mind)"

He repeats these principles throughout the book.

When I was learning chinuch, the chinuch teachers would SAY they were doing the above, but then not really do it.

For example, a chinuch teacher might make a rule about 5-year-olds.

On one hand, that's good.

They're taking his age (shanav) into account.

On the other hand, not all 5-year-olds are the same.

Different 5-year-olds have different daat & middot.

So you can't generally say "Do this-and-such" with 5-year-old without taking into account "daato" and "middotav."

This is also true for obstinate children, rebellious children, hyper children, emotional children, and so on.

Not all obstinate children are obstinate for the same reason — ditto with rebellious or hyper or emotional children. (Or any other type.)

Shanav, middotav, daato.

Obstinate children, rebellious children, etc. are not clones of each other. Believe me.

Also, boys & girls are different. I'm not talking about easier or harder.

Different.

Meaning, what works for your female chinuch teacher in her class of first-grade girls or ninth-grade girls or what works for her mostly girl family and her sons interspersed among sisters (as opposed to having other boys near his age) will most likely NOT work for your boy-only family when you have 4 of them under the age of 7 and the oldest is a Type Eight.

Seriously.

Rav Papo also emphasized that a parent's love of his or her children MUST emanate from a love of Hashem.

Do they ever discuss loving Hashem in a chinuch class or a chinuch book?

Not that I ever heard. Your experience may be different. (To be fair, I mostly do not read much modern chinuch, except for regularly reading Rav Avigdor Miller and also Rav Shimon Gruen's newsletter, both of which I benefit from a lot, and other material I come across...IF I consciously decide it might be helpful. In the interest of full disclosure, I also receive Dr. John Rosemond's monthly newsletter, but that is more for the purposes of entertainment and/or gratification, plus to keep tabs on what's going on in the Western world of parenting.)

It could easily be that the chinuch people did not even know that love of children should emanate from love of Hashem.

It could be an honest mistake because if they never read Pele Yoetz, then how would they know?

Or it could be that they both knew & mentioned this in their classes & books, but simply felt it more practical to focus on practical methods rather than the ideology.

Maybe chinuch people are emphasizing ahavat Hashem now as it relates to chinuch. I do not know. They weren't when I had young children, not in books and not in lectures.

But anyway, that's the basis for parental love — and the Pele Yoetz is an "authentic Torah source" you can count on.

Here is more about that from Ahavat Habanim V'habanot/Love of the Sons & the Daughters:

V'gam ahavah zo tzarich sheh tahei nimshechet m'ahavat haMakom...ki zeh kol pri habanim v'habanot sheh yiyu osim ratzon Koneihem...Lachen, zeh yiyeh kol magamato b'ahavat banav l'kayem mitzvat Boro la'asot nachat ruach l'Yotzro.

And also, this love needs to emanate from the love of God...because that is the entire fruit of sons and daughters, that they'll perform the will of their Creator...

Therefore, this should be one's entire focus in his love for his sons and daughters: to fulfill the mitzvah of one's Creator — to grant nachas ruach [spiritual gratification] to one's Creator.

KOL magamato — one's ENTIRE focus?

Rav Papo isn't mincing words here.

If your entire focus & goal of loving your children should be for them to produce nachat ruach for Hashem, then don't you think that should be discussed regularly in chinuch classes or books?

Meaning, maybe we should regularly praise our children by saying things like, "Good girl for doing netilat yadayim — you just made Hashem VERY happy!"

Most people say "good girl" (or "good boy"). But according to the Pele Yoetz, we need emphasize Hashem's Happiness with the action. (Actually, a lot of parents do emphasize Hashem's Happiness, by the way. That's great. But it apparently needs to be a major focus of chinuch classes. Maybe it is now. But it wasn't when I was in that phase.)

The other major emphasis of the Pele Yoetz is: parental tefillah.

He even wrote special prayers for parents to say over their children.

From the chapter Chinuch/Educating the Youth:

V'al hakol lishpoch nafsho lifnei Hashem sheh lo yiyu chatotav monim hatov mimeno, v'sheh yiyeh kol zaro zera kodesh kadoshim, zera anashim.

And over everything — to pour out one's soul before Hashem that one's sins won't prevent the good from coming to him and that all his seed [offspring] should be seed of the holy of holies, the seed of people.

By the way, the Pele Yoetz offers even more guidance throughout the book than what's noted here.

And also, in the interest of full disclosure, as mentioned above, I still read what modern chinuch experts say. I'm just much more discerning now & really limit it.

Whatever non-Chazal material I look at is read with the above principles in mind.

For example, if I see that an expert discusses an issue with which I'm struggling, I examine what they say about it and then act according to my own perception of their advice and my situation.

Meaning, sometimes I'll follow their advice to the letter; other times, I'll utilize their advice but make adjustments to fit my child & my situation.

And according to the Pele Yoetz, that's exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

Endnotes

Note #1:
To see the Pele Yoetz with your own eyes, please go to:
https://itorah.com/pele-yoetz

Find the chapter you wish to see.

Press on the arrow to hear a class by Rabbi Eli Mansour about that chapter or click on the 3 dots to the right of the chapter and choose whether you wish to read the chapter in the original Hebrew or in the English translation.

Note #2:
The above translations of the Pele Yoetz are my own, and therefore, any errors are also mine.

Note #3
Lately, I've been moving away from the Enneagram to learn the system frequently mentioned by Chazal, that of the 4 Elements (and also because, based on their last book, the non-Jewish proponents of the Enneagram seem to be drifting toward Eastern mysticism). But I'm grateful that Hashem sent me the Enneagram when I needed it & this post mostly refers to that time.

Note #4
Not everything in the chinuch classes & books was either ineffective or harmful. Some of it was genuinely helpful. But the helpful stuff (like how to potty-train) I either could've gotten from my Yerushalmi neighbors or figured out with a few minutes of focused thought and conversation with Hashem (like the importance of even a few minutes of one-on-one time with each child on a more-or-less daily basis).

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Encouraging Words from the Pele Yoetz

17/1/2020

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What Does Judaism Say about Self-Love & Self-Esteem?

25/12/2019

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Growing up in secular liberal America, I always heard a lot about self-love.

There was even a famous song, which declared that learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.

(Shame on that songstress. As a non-Jew with a church background, she should have known that learning to love God is the greatest love of all. But Hollywood corrupts everything. Oh well.)

Self-love & self-esteem were supposed to go hand-in-hand to cultivate a positive self-image, thereby making you a better person.

Yet as time went by, many “experts” realized that self-love did not actually lead to the good behavior they’d predicted. And many bad people (narcissists, for example) possess a falsely positive self-image and esteem themselves too highly.

So “experts” started talking about self-compassion.

That was better, but I still couldn’t help noticing that the concept of self-love (self-esteem, self-compassion, etc.) didn’t seem to exist within all the millennia of scholarship contained within Judaism.

Yes, there is ONE passage commonly lifted out of Gates of Teshuvah to promote self-love & self-esteem. (Basically, it explains something like how low self-esteem can lead a person to compensate by puffing up himself with fake attributes and arrogance.)

But it seemed that if self-love was an essential part of self-growth, Chazal would’ve mentioned it somewhere – and somewhere easily found.

And no one ever quoted the Gemara about self-love.

If self-love is essential to teshuvah, why isn’t it anywhere in the Gemara?

That omission alone should tell us something.

At the very least, in the entire book of Gates of Teshuvah, Rabbeinu Yonah should have mentioned it more than once if it was so important.

It's the Well-Meaning Bull's-Eye Artists Once Again...

Which came first? The target or the arrow?

Gradually, the realization dawned on me that if it’s not mentioned in our core Jewish sources, then it is probably not a Jewish idea.

Eventually, I chalked it all up to a common practice among many well-meaning frummies: They shoot their arrow and then draw a bull’s eye around the arrow so it looks like the arrow hit the target.

Likewise, these very well-meaning people grab an idea from modern psychology and then search through Chazal until they find a verse that supports their treasured currently fashionable idea.

They honestly don’t realize what they’re doing.

And while such a method may help temporarily (if it didn’t help at all, it likely never would’ve made it into the annals of pop psychology), it ultimately will not do the job because it’s not completely true (if it’s true at all).

Azamrah!

Next, people pointed to Rebbe Nachman of Breslov’s famous idea that you need to find at least one merit in yourself, at least one good point.

That’s still not self-love of the non-Jewish world.

It’s more along the lines of self-compassion & self-esteem & a positive self-image, but it’s still not the same idea as promoted in the non-Jewish world.

Anyway, why did Rebbe Nachman so strongly push this idea?

What’s the motive behind it?

First of all, it's true.

Furthermore, I believe he pushed it because people who do a very sincere & deep cheshbon hanefesh come up with all kinds of unpleasant realizations about themselves.

Even very good people end up discovering all sorts of not-so-pious motivations behind their acts of piety and chessed.

(It’s exactly this kind of self-awareness that keeps our Gadolei Hador and our tzaddikim so humble, despite their genuinely elevated qualities and, in some cases, their global fame.)

So the whole point of self-azamrah (finding at least one good quality in yourself) is to save the profoundly honest & relentlessly self-probing people from despair & emotional paralysis.

Along these lines, it’s impossible to miss Breslov's constant encouragement to uncover your flaws before Hashem, pouring your heart out about them in hitbodedut in order to polish them. (In Words of Faith, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender emphisizes several examples of this.)

Which, again, is the whole reason for the necessity of self-azamrah.

I don’t know if you need to go digging around for at least one good point in yourself if you’re not doing some kind of cheshbon hanefesh. If you have no serious regrets and you feel pretty satisfied with yourself, then what is the point of self-azamrah? After all, you already see plenty of good points in yourself!

In other words, Azamrah facilitates cheshbon hanefesh & teshuvah.

That's its purpose.

So really, self-azamrah is not the self-love or self-compassion promoted in pop psychology either.

To see a classic short story from Rebbe Nachman describing the Azamrah process, please see:
The Tzaddik Who Fell into Sadness

What is the Torah's Definition of a Positive Self-Image?

It's Not "I'm Okay, You're Okay."

It's More Along the Lines of: "Maybe I'm Not Really NOT Okay...But My Neshamah is Absolutely Brilliant!"

A positive self-image Torah-style means recognizing that your core self, your neshamah, is pristine and holy.

Your job is to clean up the rest of you and actualize your pristine and holy core.

We're Still Not Through Yet: Where is the Love?

So while I came across nearly zero about self-love (or self-esteem), I did come across an enormous amount of Torah material promoting love for HASHEM.

Ahavat Hashem/Love of God: THIS idea is just all over the place in Chazal. It’s in Tanach. It’s in every book on mussar or Chassidus. You can’t get away from it.

So then I realized that the goal is actually to love Hashem…and to know that Hashem loves you too!

In fact, Hashem loves you much more than you could ever love yourself.

This is talked about in Torah classes. But why the need to also introduce self-love and self-esteem and self-this and self-that?

I think it’s because the idea of such a relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu feels very far away, very difficult to attain.

And that’s to be expected.

But that’s doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make it our goal.

A far-off goal doesn't mean we should dilute it with non-Jewish ideas in order to seemingly bring it closer.

It's Not Too Far Away

In the spiritual realm, EVERY SINGLE TINY STEP is HUGE PROGRESS.

Every spiritual act you do MEANS something.

Even if you become a completely rasha tomorrow (chas v’shalom), you can never erase any of the good you did.

Never.

That’s why terrible people often live it up in This World. Somewhere, they’ve done something good. And Hashem gives them their reward for it now.

(But they sure will pay for it later!)

So we shouldn’t allow the loftiness of the goal to dissuade us.

Unfortunately, people who automatically (and often unconsciously) dismiss this goal can end up teaching, and writing books and articles in the frum community, which is why you’ll hear about all these pop psychology concepts within frum venues.

So as good-hearted as these people are and as passionately as they want to help others, they can’t because they don’t have the right hashkafah themselves. And they honestly do not realize this.

Placing Bogus Limits on God (Who is Limitless) Leads to Really Bad Things

By the way, this idea that God is “too far away” or “too high” to even attempt reaching is a 2000-year-old mistake made by other people.

This human-imposed "limit" on God's abilities forms the basis for declaring a son of God who is also divine, and then using that "son of God" imagery as a medium for prayer.

Combine this with a rejection of the paradox that really horrific things happen in the world, yet Hashem is a Wholly Compassionate Creator Who does everything for the good...and you have what you have in the world today as far as a major religion goes.

So for them, God feels too distant to access, plus they need someone to blame for all the bad stuff and the harsh judgements.

So they make the human representative the “god” of love and accessibility, while they make the actual Creator the source of whatever they perceive as bad and punishing.

Ta-daaaahhhh!

Actually, it goes back even further.

Much avodah zarah rests on this idea that God is too far away, too busy, too overwhelmed, too exalted, too paradoxical, and thus we need an intermediary (chas v’shalom).

(In contrast, very early avodah zarah derived from the idea that people should praise the King’s servants—i.e., the planetary bodies—which led to actually worshiping them.)

The point is: We should not limit Hashem.

(Needless to say, we can't actually limit Hashem. But we can fool ourselves into thinking so.)

That always leads to trouble in the end.

We can strive to nurture a personal relationship with Hashem, and cultivate love for Him while at the same time, making every effort to feel His Love for us.

So it’s not that you need to love yourself, but that you need to maintain a constant awareness that HASHEM loves YOU.

Even when you’ve been bad, Hashem is right there loving you and waiting for you to return to Him.

But that still wasn’t the end of it.

Oh-Ho! I Found Self-Love in Judaism After All...

If you read the wonderful mussar book, Pele Yoetz, you’ll discover that the second chapter is titled: Ahavat Atzmo – Love of Oneself!

So what’s going on with that?

First of all, the preceding and first chapter is Ahavah L’Hakadosh Baruch Hu – Love for the Holy One Blessed Be He.

That right there tells us something.

The very first sentence of the entire masterpiece is:

Love for The Holy One Blessed Be He: There is no better virtue than this. For from this follows all the service of Hashem Yitbarach and all of Judaism.

So self-love (as defined by the big tzaddik who wrote the Pele Yoetz) is actually an aspect of God-love.

True self-love does not exist on its own, nor is self-love in and of itself considered a virtue in Judaism.

In Love of Oneself, the Pele Yoetz immediately states that self-love in an integral part of Divine Design, explaining that a person loves himself more than anything else and will give away everything in order to save his own life.

Then he immediately dives into the concept of self-destruction – which he exhorts against as the opposite of self-love.

Basically, genuine self-love leads to good physical & emotional function, which leads to continued service of Hashem in mitzvot & good deeds.

And that’s the whole point of self-love: avodat Hashem.

A person who transgresses, a person who lives a physically and emotionally unhealthy life? That person is not expressing genuine love for himself.

The Pele Yoetz categorizes such a person as being exploited by the Yetzer Hara, as having fallen into an “evil sickness,” and calls him a fool.

Such a person can even commit suicide, notes the Pele Yoetz, God forbid.

Whether a person injures himself or others, that injury is an act of cruelty.

The Pele Yoetz lists behaviors that do NOT show self-love, but rather self-hatred:

Excessive drinking of wine
Excessive eating, especially of red meat or delicacies.
Excessive intimacy with your wife
Lengthy vacations and holidays
Working just to increase your bank account when you already have enough for your needs
Endangering yourself just for the money (going on dangerous journeys, as sailing in a ship once was, or to dangerous areas, not taking body guards).
Not being watchful with things that cause physical harm

(You can see that excessive intimacy with one’s wife or lengthy vacations do not clash with the idea of self-love in the non-Jewish world. So as long as you work by the non-Jewish self-love paradigm, you won’t reach the Jewish ideal of self-love, which is based on making yourself a vessel for continued service of Hashem.)

These behaviors DO show self-love:

A willingness to eat parched bread in peace & serenity rather than compiling a vast fortune accompanied by anxiety and toil
In the case where you are doing well financially, you use your funds to afford more physical comfort, but do not labor simply to increase profit.
You avoid indulging in wine.
You avoid indulging in meat.
You avoid consuming delicacies.
You do not overeat.
You avoid lengthy vacations.
You avoid excessive intimacy with your wife.
You stay away from hazardous places.
You stay away from hazardous journeys (sailing across the sea, for example), unless absolutely necessary.

Again, the non-Jewish world glorifies people who engage in dangerous treks to beautiful yet risky places. Furthermore, it sees nothing wrong with excessive marital intimacy or lengthy holidays.

(In fact, lengthy vacations, ocean-crossings, and adventurous treks are even goals for many people.)

So living your life according to even the best intentions of the non-Jewish self-love/self-compassion/self-esteem proponents will not lead you to the Jewish ideal of self-love.

Self-Care in Service of Hashem Only

It’s interesting that the Pele Yoetz focuses primarily on your physical preservation with regard to self-love.

But again—what is the root of self-love, according to the Pele Yoetz?

The primary motivation for his love of self, body, and soul must emanate from the love of his Creator.

The body and self are “tools for serving the Master.”

They should not be sullied or broken.

So basically, you’re good to yourself—especially your physical self--so that you have the strength and ability to keep serving Hashem and doing mitzvot.

There’s no other reason.

Sounds like a tall order?

It is. But we should still try.

As long as we make the effort, the Pele Yoetz reassures the striving individual with this final note of encouragement:

Hashem will be his help and his might.

In a Nutshell: The 3 Basic Torah Ideas of Self-Esteem, Self-Image, and Self-Love

To sum up Judaism's take on all the above, based on the classic sources I've read:

#1
Healthy self-esteem means:

You know Hashem loves you (and is always ready to accept your sincere remorse & willingness to change).
You know your core neshamah is pristine and holy.

You can maintain the above knowledge even if you know that you (outside of your neshamah) are actually not so great.

You might think there is a heck of a lot wrong with you.

You might even think you're very bad.

That's okay as long as you know the following:

You need to be secure in Hashem's Love & the exalted potential of yourself emanating from your deepest level of soul: your neshamah.

I can't repeat this enough: I simply never found the pop psychology ideal of self-esteem in any authentic Torah sources.

#2
A positive self-image means:

Knowing your neshamah (your deepest level of soul) is pure and unsullied.
Because of your neshamah, you have the ability to be a tremendously great person. (Yeah...it sounds unrealistic for me too. But this is what the sefarim say.)

#3
Self-love means:

Taking care of your physical self in a way that enables you to serve Hashem in the strongest & healthiest way possible for the longest time possible.

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Who is a Jew? Disturbing Stories & Inspiring Stories. And How to Prevent Problematic Lineage from Affecting You & Your Descendants?

22/10/2019

6 Comments

The idea of a secret Jewish or non-Jewish identity continues to intrigue many Jews, particularly religious Jews.

Me too.

Whether it's a potential convert from a Spanish-speaking country who discovers proof (or at least, compelling evidence) of a matrilineal line of Jews from the anousim or Jews who seem not to be Jewish (whether a possible Erev Rav soul-root or suspicions regarding the maternal line) or adoptees who uncover either Jewish or non-Jewish maternal ancestry, the underlying identity of a Jew or non-Jew continues to intrigue many of us.

For me, it has always been an enduring interest that refreshes itself anew every so often.

(As the generation above mine dies out without doing teshuvah or without even leaving Jewish descendants in some situations, my interest in the topic is renewing again.)

Nurturing Vibrant Trees with Robust Roots

Over recent years, I've found myself focusing more on & strengthening my own Yiddishkeit or wanting to exchange chizuk with other frum Jews.

In contrast to my former more kiruv rechokim-orientation, I found myself coming into kiruv-krovim — including being mekarev myself, if you know what I mean.

At this point, I feel that sincere davening for fellow Jews reaps more than external action, like talking and other kiruv-based interactions.

Having said that, for those who enjoy hosting secular Jews for Shabbos or passing out all sorts of Jewish pamphlets or Shabbos candles or giving kiruv seminars/classes, this is not meant as discouragement!

On the contrary, if you enjoy and succeed at kiruv rechokim, by all means — CONTINUE.

You're doing a lot of good!

But despite a lot of frum focus to the contrary, I'm slowly discovering the value of getting the core into healthy shape.

In other words, my focus has become more inner-directed. Not self-centered or selfish, but a fortifying of the roots and trunk of the tree, rather than developing more outlying branches.

While I don't necessarily apply this to those who clearly succeed in bringing assimilated Jews back into the fold, I feel that a deeper focus on improving and strengthening the core is vital — perhaps even more vital than searching out the assimilated.

(If our roots are strong and healthy, branches & blossoms will develop & multiply on their own.)

I think this reflects my renewed appreciation of Rav Avigdor Miller's approach, which clearly focused on building a vibrantly healthy core: a vibrant & sincerely frum Torah community connected directly to Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

Certainly, I developed a love of Rav Miller's Torah in my early twenties as a newcomer to frumkeit. I listened to so many of his tapes and bought the books containing his divrei Torah and Q&As.

But I appreciate him even more now.

Focusing Inward

As described on this blog previously, it has taken me over 25 years to discover that I'm not remotely successful (to my knowledge) with kiruv rechokim.

And anyway, I see so much in myself that needs "kiruv." I've done so much work on myself over the years, and there's still so much work that needs to be done.

Furthermore, I can't help seeing how much there is to do within the frum community.

Whether it's participating in helping mommies recover from birth, tending the needs of sick people, supporting poor people, single parents (whether divorced or widowed), kollelim & yeshivot...there is so much good to accomplish WITHIN the frum community!

Helping other frum Jews find employment, creating businesses to serve frum needs, and especially...SCHOOLS.

There is so much to invest in the frum school system to ensure our children receive all their needs (spiritual, academic, physical, emotional) and nurture their precious souls in the best way possible so that they can become the best Jews possible and merit a truly wonderful portion in the World to Come.

And many of we religious Jews very much need chizuk from each other. We need to continue deepening & expanding our relationship with Hashem, our emuna & bitachon, plus exchange "light" with each other.

In addition, the open secret that even many frum Jews feel uncomfortable acknowledging is that many of our most vital mitzvot apply mostly to Jews who are shomrei Torah & mitzvot REGARDLESS of their particular affiliation (and even if another FRUM group holds some hashkafot that produce friction against your group's personal hashkafot).

If another Jew is shomer Shabbat, shomer kashrut, etc., we have a mitzvah to love that person, give the benefit of the doubt, refrain from speaking lashon hara or rechilut about that person, and so on.

A fellow shomer mitzvot is "your brother" (or sister).

Are there dissenting and more expansive opinions?

Yes.

But the core opinion across the board is that a shomer mitzvot Jew is your brother or sister, to whom all the bein adam l'chavero mitzvot apply.

This is the Gemara. (Please see Rav Avigdor Miller's Should We Love Irreligious Jews? for a very brief summary with sources.)

If one is not shomer mitzvot (and especially if a Jew is ANTI-mitzvot), then not everyone says this is "your brother."

It depends.

(Please see the above link, plus Rav Avigdor Miller on Loving All Jews and Loving Your Troublesome Neighbor and Can the Rav explain to us how we could actually learn to love all Jews? for even more.)

Excuse Me - WHO Exactly Did Hashem Take Out of Egypt Again?

Furthermore, I've reached the age where the generation above me has started dying out (may we all live in robust health ad 120, b'ezrat Hashem).

In my family & former non-religious Jewish community, people are intermarrying (sometimes divorcing and intermarrying again).

Among the movements for Reform & Conservative (which is actual extremely liberal) fake "conversions" are all the rage, further diluting the crumbling Jewish identity of ignorant Jews (and deceiving non-Jews) by declaring 100% NON-Jews as Jews, and making these non-Jews believe they are bona fide Jews too.

I recently received photos and enthusiastic emails about Rosh Hashanah meals, complete with honey cake and apples dipped in honey, in which not ONE participant in Jewish.

Three generations of participants...no Jews left.

Not one.

Just non-Jews, some of whom think they're Jews.

And while a non-Jew acknowledging Rosh Hashanah kinda makes sense (after all, it is a day of universal Judgement), these people will celebrate a Pesach Seder too, which has absolutely no connection to their history or souls.

But they sure love singing Dayenu and eating matzah ball soup.

I'm seeing Jews die without leaving one Jewish descendant.

A Jewish line stretching back centuries...culminates in a dead end.

And many of these people lived a lifetime steeped in cheit & aveirot (married to a non-Jew), some with random mitzvot interspersed within (like lighting Chanukah candles).

And despite all the information & resources available, despite the ever-expanding copious outreach & approachability of their nearby frum community, and despite outreach efforts directed at these people, plus being davened for by frum family members or other associates — these people make no steps toward teshuvah, not even one, until & including the moment they die.

Over 20 years of being their frum relative super-nice and receptive, sending these people appealing videos and links to kiruv websites, Shabbos invites (and actual Shabbos hosting), davening for them, their own experiences (POSITIVE experiences!) of visiting Eretz Yisrael & the Kotel & spending Shabbos with a frum family, davening at a frum shul, and so much more — nothing, nothing, nothing.

No effort on anyone's part and no experience no matter how pleasant — nothing in authentic Judaism has touched them one iota.

What to make of it?

Who's a Jew? No, Really - Who IS a Jew?

Well, here's one possibility — an admittedly unpopular possibility for many Jews today, but it's one stated by the Rambam no less:
Rav Avigdor Miller on Are You a Descendant of Avraham Avinu?

Apparently, the Rambam states (I don't know where) that a Jew who NEVER comes back to Torah and Mitzvot is not from the seed of Avraham Avinu.

In his great integrity, Rav Miller acknowledges that this isn't necessarily set in stone: "...I wouldn’t be stubborn as to tell you definitely. There may be some exceptions to the rule."

The fact that he describes his dissenter as a "chassidishe Rav" indicates that Rav Miller respects his dissenter's scholarship and that the chassidishe Rav based his dissent on legitimate sources and not sentimental feelings.

Also, Rav Miller himself admits that it's not necessarily absolute, as stated above.

Indeed, Rav Petiyah's Minchat Yehudah describes his encounters with Jewish souls who sinned throughout a series of lifetimes, never doing teshuvah and dying as complete degenerates.

They reincarnated again, and when they still didn't do teshuvah, they spent some time in unbearable hellish suffering in the Slingshot of Hell or an Ocean of Lava (which saying Kaddish helped to lift one man out of the lava for the duration of the Kaddish), then merited an afterlife rectification from Rav Petiyah.

Phew!

So who's right?

Well, we know that all the big poskim in Chazal are correct, even when they contradict each other:

I don't think it's difficult to say that in some situations, the unrepentant Jew really isn't Jewish at all, i.e., he is not from zera Avraham.

Yet in other situations, he is from zera Avraham and will suffer another gilgul, some kind of Gehinnom, and/or rectification by a tzaddik if he doesn't do teshuvah in his lifetime.

In short (if I'm understanding everything correctly):

You can hold by the Rambam and it is perfectly within your right to do so.

You can also hold by an equally solid source that disagrees with the Rambam. It is equally within your right to do so.

But you can't go trashing the Rambam or any other fundamental source in Chazal.

And, like Rav Miller says, I don't think we can claim to know for sure.

We can hold by one giant posek or another, but we can't say with our small minds that we know.

However, if you want to make the most lucrative investment in your fellow Jew, then going with those who are shomrei Torah & mitzvot seems to be the surest way to go.

Nothing is 100%, nothing is perfect, but investing in fellow shomrei mitzvot appears to be the lowest-risk investment.

What about Blobs?

One Jewish male family member who died this year was originally married to a Jewish woman. They had 1 son, then divorced.

(That son married a non-Jewish woman, had a non-Jewish daughter with her, then he died when his daughter was around 8.)

The Jewish male family member then married a non-Jewish woman (but got her a fake conversion first). The "conversion" was totally bogus. She never intended to keep the 10 Commandments, let alone kashrut or anything else. They lit Chanukah candles & hosted a Pesach Seder every year, but that's the limit of their "observance" as far as I ever saw.

A non-Jew cannot convert with the intention of profaning even a single commandment (i.e. "I'll keep everything EXCEPT..."); such an intention invalidates the conversion.

Anyway, they had 2 children together.

I knew this man my entire life and all I ever saw was a quiet blob who was sometimes grumpy.

He always reclined in his chair, either at the table or on the sofa.

If he was on the sofa, he clutched a beer in one hand and watched sports on TV, preferably American football.

But it didn't matter. Any sport would do. He even watched horse races.

Even as a child, I thought that was weird.

(FYI, I never saw him drunk, just indolent.)

Sure, he held down a job and provided for his family. But other than that, he was a blob. Sometimes, when his non-Jewish son Harley irked him, he emitted a Brooklyn-accented warning growl: "HAWWW-LEEEE..."

But that was it.

His children never seemed to like him, even when they were young. They certainly despised him when they were older.

Toward the end of his life, this man developed mental & physical debilitation.

Due to the expense, his non-Jewish wife resisted getting care-assistance for him, despite her physical inability to care for him properly. (She was also getting old.)

A couple of months prior to his death, his non-Jewish thirtysomething-year-old son finally had it out with him, yelling at him that he was miserly and that the son was sick of the father being such a tightwad.

(The inciting incident was the son's purchase of $400 dollar tickets to attend a ball game.)

I seriously questioned the appropriateness of such a confrontation when one's father is in a both physically & mentally decrepit state.

Childhood resentments aside, it seems kind of mean.

Anyway, he died before his fake-convert wife really needed to hire professional assistance, so everyone was relieved.

And no one misses him in the least.

That's sad, but it is the most expected result based on the way he lived his life.

To me, his whole life seemed sad & meaningless (and a bit grumpy).

Anyway, I'm not a mekubal and never will be, but since learning about the pinteleh Yid and all that, it has been hard for me to accept that this somewhat grouchy indolent blob is from zera Avraham.

The fact that he left absolutely no Jewish continuation, and that the one Jewish child he produced never displayed any connection to Judaism and also died with no Jewish continuation hints something to me.

I can't know for sure, but I'm with the Rambam in this particular case.

"You Know, Some of My Relatives are Jewish..."

I think we've all met people with surprising histories.

There are the people converting to Judaism who discover a possible Jewish ancestor, whether a mother who gave them up for adoption or a long-dead great-great-great grandmother.

A chassidic friend of mine was approached by a co-worker who said, "I see that you're Jewish. You know, some of my relatives are Jewish."

"Oh?" said my friend. "Like who?"

"Like my mother," came the reply.

His Jewish mother married a non-Jew, then she died when he was a toddler. His non-Jewish father made a second marriage to a non-Jewish woman, who raised this man as her son.

So he felt he was fully non-Jewish.

Fortunately, my chassidic friend managed to gently break the startling news of his true identity to him and he showed up at her and her husband's Pesach Seder that year.

Jews Under Cover in the Middle East

My husband & I once found ourselves in a taxi driven by an apparent Muslim-Arab from near the French Colony in Yerushalayim.

In the course of conversation, he revealed that his mother's mother was a Jew from Yemen.

After a brief pause, my husband asked him if he realized that made him Jewish?

Yes, he was aware of that. But he was well-entrenched in the Muslim-Arab lifestyle, including marriage to a Muslim-Arab woman, with whom he had children.

There is actually a lot of that with Yemenites.

One of my sons, who attends a yeshivah with many Yemenites, said that literally everyone has a story of an aunt or great-aunt who was taken by Muslims in Yemen and forcibly absorbed into the Muslim community.

Yemen borders on Saudi Arabia and these borders are new, relatively speaking. Based on some of the pro-Judaism attitudes coming from some Saudis today, one cannot help but wonder whether they are descendants of stolen Yemenite Jewish girls.

The truth is that families all over the Muslim world have stories like this.

Rav Alon Anava has mentioned his own family's story, explaining how because of this, he has Jewish cousins is Syria & Lebanon who think they are Muslim.

My sister-in-law's aunt or great-aunt suffered the same fate in Morocco. She was forcibly married to a Muslim.

A couple of years back, one of this abducted woman's sons contacted the Jewish relatives in Eretz Yisrael.

They accepted him with open arms, but he betrayed their trust somehow (my sister-in-law didn't go into any detail) and they felt they could not trust him in their homes.

He returned to Morocco, leaving his mother's Jewish family members feeling disappointed & exploited.

"All in all, he was raised as an Arab," she explained to me. "That's his identity and value system. He could not relate to us at all and was just trying to use the situation to his advantage."

Heart-Breaking True Story

On the subject of Yemenite Jewish girls being abducted:

We know a man who's great-aunt in Yemen was taken by Muslims. She was around 11-13-years-old.

One of the things they did to break these girls was to force them to eat non-kosher food. (Then it was easier to forcibly marry them off to a Muslim and all that followed.)

But this Jewish girl refused.

So they locked her in the cellar and told her she couldn't come out until she would eat their non-kosher food.

She died in that cellar.

A 110-Year-Old Mystery

Then there is the story of Ann Harrison, one of the children adopted from the now-famous Orphan Train.

orphantraindepot.org/history/orphan-train-rider-stories/ann-harrison-mabel-rubin/

Born Mabel Rubin to Jennie Rubin from Russia & Moe Cohen from New York, she was almost certainly Jewish, but baptized and raised by church-going Americans from the time she was a baby, Mabel-Ann clearly lost all her Jewish identity.

Even when she discovered her real roots, it seems like she never returned.

She had at least one daughter, Judy. Did Judy also have a daughter? It doesn't say.

But this probably-Jewish girl born in 1909 could easily have Jewish descendants today.

Maybe she has descendant that are converting or thinking of converting, with no knowledge that they are actually Jewish.

On the other hand, if you go by the Rambam, you could also postulate that the reason why Mabel-Ann was basically lost to the Jewish people is because she is actually not from zera Avraham, despite the seemingly Jewish ancestry of her mother.

How's that for a whole big hodge-podge of "Only God knows"?

The Undiscovered Baby Exchange

Then there are the Jews who aren't really Jews.

(Yes, we're getting back to where this post started.)

When Irish-Catholic Alice Collins Plebuch took a DNA test for fun in 2012, she discovered that her proud Irish-Catholic father was most likely an Ashkenazi Jew.

Research nixed any possibility of illegitimate relationships or a hidden adoption.

It took years and a couple of lucky "coincidences" to discover the truth.

To make a long & convoluted story very short:

In September 1919 at the Fordham Hospital in New York, the Irish Catholic baby Jim Collins was accidentally switched with the Jewish baby Phillip Benson.

The identifying mother-baby bracelets standard for today only came about in the 1930s-40s.

In 1919, hospital births weren't common and certain practices hadn't yet developed. Hospitals relied on the nurse's memory and mother's facial recognition to determine whose baby was whose.

So the Jewish family went home with a non-Jewish baby.

Did they ever suspect he wasn't really theirs?

No one knows, but interestingly, the parents of his first wife Esther Abulafia did not believe he was Jewish when they first met him.

Of course, they had nothing on which to rely their suspicions. They met the Bensons and saw that they were bona fide Jews.

As far as the Bensons were concerned, this person was their biological son.

Except that he wasn't.

Think about that.

And think about how that probably wasn't the only time that happened.

(Even Rabbi Meir Lehmann has a based-on-a-true-story book about such a switch — I think it's called Del Monte.)

Furthermore, I wrote a post a long time ago with other stories along these lines:
Only Hashem Knows, So Just Stick Close to Him

The Non-Jewish Yeshivah Bachur

I think we've all heard of situations, like the guy shteiging away at a yeshivah for baalei teshuvah who only informs his rosh yeshivah after 2 years that he's adopted; his Jewish identity isn't biological but adopted.

In many cases, the person converts. (The guy in the above example converted & is an exceptionally fine Jew.)

But what if the issue hadn't been caught?

Or what if his parents hadn't told him he'd been adopted? (That happens less nowadays; but still.)

I heard that Rav Tauber has a story of a yeshivah bachur who discovered that his mother's conversion wasn't kosher.

Everyone was sure he'd convert.

But he didn't.

And what if that issue hadn't been caught? How would things have continued?

Looking to Our Tzaddikim & Their Tefillot for Guidance

This is one of MANY things for which we are waiting for Mashiach to sort out.

The Phillip Benson-Jim Collins switch is the most chilling.

Esther Abulafia's parents are described as observant.

The initially expressed suspicions as to their future son-in-law's Jewish identity.

Yet their daughter unknowingly married a non-Jew.

She didn't want to.

Her parents didn't want her to.

But she did.

How on earth can one prevent such a hidden mix-up from happening?

Practically speaking, the best advice is found in our tefillot.

Looking over tefillot for parents to say for their children, I was struck by how concerned the tzaddikim were for ALL the future generations until the end of time.

For example, the Admor and author of Archot Aharon includes in his prayer a plea that one's children will merit spouses from mishpachot kasherot v'hagunot (kosher and halachically proper families).

Rav Eliezer Papo, author of Pele Yoetz, composed several prayers for parents to say for their children, which also included kol yotzei chalatzeinu (everyone to issue from us) and kol zereinu v'chol hanilavim eleinu (all our seed and all those attached to us -- i.e, those who join our family, via marriage, etc.) to be without any blemish. (He even includes a plea for all descendants to be from zera anashim — human origin — a topic beyond the scope of this post.)

In Sefer Tzavat Abba, page 24, the tefillah includes a plea for there to be nothing passul (nothing flawed that nullifies one's descendants) "in my seed and in the seed of my seed until the end of all generations, and may there not come into our hands and not into our seed and not to the seed of our seed until the end of the generations any transgression and passul and ugly thing..."

The book Tefillah L'Ani offers a prayer for "our sons and our daughters, our grandsons and our granddaughters, and about all that issues from us until the end of the generations." It asks that we merit "holy and pure neshamot" that are clean from "kol shemetz shel pagam" (any and all speck of blemish).

"Neshamot" implies specifically Jewish souls. The above prayer repeats the whole "ad sof kol hadorot" (until the end of the generations) several times.

In reading all the tefillot written by tzaddikim for parents to say over their children, it's impossible to miss their concern for completely kosher zera throughout all generations until the end of time.

Clearly, they foresaw the problems we've been seeing on a sharp rise over the past 150 years.

And again, there are hints in these prayers not only about obviously halachically forbidden unions (non-Jews & mamzerim & betrothed/married women), but spiritually undesirable unions (like with Erev Rav or non-human beings, etc).

In short, there's a lot to daven for.

So for those of us concerned about this issue (and I think it IS a concern, especially nowadays), we've got these beautiful prayers to help us out.

And other than that, we'll need to wait for Mashiach to come and sort us all out.

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What Do the Sephardi Gedolim Say about Tziyonut, the Medinah, and All That?

21/8/2019

15 Comments

Only recently did I realize that while I was very familiar with (and supportive of) the Ashkenazi Gedolim’s attitude toward political Zionism, I wasn’t so knowledgeable of the opinions of the Sephardi Gedolim.

This is very understandable in light of the fact that the English-speaking charedi world is heavily weighted on the Ashkenazi side of things, so we end up hearing more about people like Rav Moshe Feinstein, Rav Kanievsky, Rav Shteinman, Rav Miller, Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, as well as the various Chassidic Rebbes, especially those prominent in the English-speaking world.

And this is good because they are true talmidei chachamim.

Furthermore, my Moroccan-Israeli husband’s entry into charedi Yiddishkeit was via Litvish yeshivahs.

While my husband goes according to Sephardi talmidei chachamim for halacha, he respects all true talmidei chachamim equally with regard to hashkafah (as is the correct attitude). And despite certain differences among groups, the real talmidei chachamim have more in common than not.

So when I asked my husband about Sephardi Gedolim and Zionism, he summed it up that Sephardi Gedolim place less emphasis on the "anti-Tziyoni," but other than that, don’t differ much in hashkafah from Ashkenazi Gedolim.

Also, many Sephardi Gedolim opine as Rav Shteinman that if a boy is anyway out on the street committing all kinds of transgressions and generally wasting his life, then Nachal Charedi is a better option for him. (Several other Ashkenazi Gedolim oppose even this.)

I think that sums it up on one foot, anyway.

Finally, it's important to know that the term itself (Tziyonut) is not remotely based on Torah or mitzvot (other than the name of the geographical location: "Tzion").

Tziyonut was only coined in 1890 by Nathan Birnbaum, who was a secular ethnocentrist at that time. (He did complete teshuvah later, baruch Hashem.) He promoted Jewish nationalism based on the Yiddish language and culture (however he defined that).

So Tziyonut was a secular ethnocentric (Ashkenazi-only Yiddish-only) idea from the get-go. (To be fair, Sephardim only comprised around 10% of world Jewry at that time, but they still numbered over a million spread throughout North Africa, the Middle East, the Balkans, Western Europe, including thousands in North & South America. Quite a lot to ignore, actually.)

Baruch Hashem, Birnbaum also dropped his ethnocentrism later too. Sincere teshuvah cleanses all sins.

(Quite an interesting fellow. Please see HERE for more about him.)

Ashkenazi Gedolim & Sephardi Gedolim Face Very Different Audiences

Furthermore, as my very yeshivish son pointed out, Sephardi Gedolim are talking to an extremely varied group, and they need to pasken according to needs of different Jews.

For example, charedi Sephardim listen to Sephardi Gedolim. Yet secular-traditional Sephardim also listen to Sephardi Gedolim. And then you have all the Sephardim in between those 2 extremes.

Yet who listens to, say, Rav Kanievsky outside of charedim (both Sephardi & Ashkenazi) and the very committed chardalim (charedi-dati-leumi)?

My son pointed out that when Rav Ovadia Yosef ztz”l spoke about army service, he needed to speak to both the Sephardi charedi bnei Torah AND “amcha” (the non-yeshivish Sephardim) at the same time.

I believe Sephardi Gedolim face a similar challenge if they decide to talk about tziyonut negatively to constituents who self-identify as tziyoni. (Many if not most Israelis — or Jews worldwide, for that matter — do not realize the origin of the term or the idea.)

Ashkenazi Gedolim could and do also speak to Jews at different stages of observance, but they do so on the individual level because there is no real need (or demand) to do so on the general level.

(For example, Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach opposed heter mechirah for Shemittah, but if a person came to him who was insistent on heter mechirah, the rav would tell him how to observe heter mechirah according to halacha.)

Also, it’s always hard to discuss this kind of thing in a public forum because black-and-white thinkers tend to see the above as charedi compromise/capitulation/loophole or hypocrisy, with a smirky attitude of “Oho—gotchya Gadol Hador!”

But really, it’s more a matter of assisting a person “ba’asher hu sham” (Beresheit 21:17 with Rashi) and that’s not compromising on Torah values at all.

But it's very difficult to explain this to black-and-white thinkers.

So I hope there are no black-and-white thinkers reading this.

(Or if they are, I fervently hope they do not comment because I find the circular arguments & misleading blanket statements very stressful to deal with.)

But back to Sephardi talmidei chachamim and Zionism…

An Enlightening Q&A with Hidabroot

Here is a Q&A from Hidabroot (my translation):

Q:
Shalom Kavod Harav,

I’d like to know if the Shas Party is for or against the Religious-Zionist stream.

Regards,
Avi

A:
Shalom u’vracha.

We are not spokesmen for Shas.

Maran {Rav Ovadia Yosef}, may his merit guard over us, was supportive of anyone who walked completely in the way of Hashem without any compromises and he fought against anyone who tried to compromise on an issue.

Regards,
Binyamin Shmueli

Here’s another on Hashkafah & Yirat Shamayim:

Q:
Shalom.

In Heaven, is there significance regarding a person’s hashkafah? Regarding army/State/Zionism, etc…or is the important thing that a person is God-fearing and upholds the Shulchan Aruch…

A:
The Supreme importance is the observance of all the mitzvot of the Torah, as explained in the Shulchan Aruch, without any fishy leniencies.

Anyone who wants to think that the State of Israel is the beginning of the Geula is welcome to do so.

However, he must be careful not to be drawn after leniencies of Torah or any change in the priorities of Torah versus nationalism, and likewise, will continue to be wary of joining with those who can remove him or his children from the Torah.

Likewise, to – God forbid – go after the spirit of the distorters that there is holiness to the army and that the virtue of military service is greater than the virtue of Torah scholars, God forbid.

Furthermore, it’s forbidden to consider Herzl a prophet or anything else. Herzl was a heretic and nothing more. Anyone who considers Herzl a prophet or visionary despite his Sabbath desecration and the rest of his severe transgressions – such a person is a disbeliever in the Torah and disparages all the Nevi’im.

Therefore, the obligation to submit to the Gedolei Yisrael is an absolute obligation and cannot change regardless of any form of hashkafah.

I hope I have succeeded in summarizing in these few lines everything necessary to know on one foot.

Regards,
Binyamin Shmueli

That’s pretty unequivocal.

And this next one is a particularly fun read.

For those who like to compare and contrast, here is a Sephardi rabbi discussing Satmar & Neturei Karta hashkafahs – you sure don’t see that every day!

(Please scroll down to #5 in the original Hebrew.)

UPDATE: A reader knowledgeable in Satmar hashkafah wrote to clarify points mentioned in the answer given by Rabbi Nachum. Please see R' Yisroel Tzion Kash's comments below for elucidation of the authentic Satmar hashkafah.

A Few Questions on Satmar & Zionism:

Q:
Shalom Kavod Harav…

5. Is it better to live in a country led by secular-Tziyoni evildoers than to live outside of Eretz Yisrael? What is the view of Satmar chassidim? How are they different from Neturei Karta? And what is so bad about their actions? Thank you.

A:
5. It’s preferable to live in Eretz Yisrael because of kedushat ha’Aretz {the holiness of the Land}. The Gemara (Yevamot 82b) says about this that the Land maintains its holiness even in the days of Galut {Exile}.

The opinion of the Admor of Satmar of blessed memory, the author of the book The Three Oaths – which is according to the Gemara Ketubot 111 – is that it’s forbidden for Jews to ascend from the Galut as a “wall” (Rashi explains: “together by force”) [that is to say, to take by force Eretz Yisrael from the grip of the nations of the world].

The Neturei Karta part ways from the shitah of the Admor of Satmar of blessed memory as stated above, and their opinion today is that even though the secular Israelis already took the Land by force from the grip of the nations of the world and not as according to the Gemara mentioned above, the proper path is to turn the present reality back to what it was before.

This is different than the shitah of the rest of the charedim – including Satmar chassidim today – who are of the opinion that after the new reality has already occurred, one should operate according to Torah observance within the current reality.

The mistake of Neturei Karta in practicality is that they think that they are rescuing Jewish lives when they show the Arabs that it is only the secular Tziyonim who took the Land from them, and that is not the opinion of the religious Jews – therefore, they aren’t supposed to fight against or harm Jewish charedim.

The mistake is that the belief of the Arabs goes against this aspect of the belief of Judaism, and therefore it is not just a matter of taking the Land that will appease the Arabs permanently.

{Sorry, that last sentence was a bit convoluted. The rabbi means that due to the diametric contrast in religious belief, Muslims cannot be more than temporarily appeased by taking Land from the Jews. In other words, their religious belief system demands more than just taking Land. —MR}

May it be His Will that the Blessed Hashem will help every single Jew to come out of this Galut speedily in our days, Amen.

Rabbi Nachum

The Value of Sephardi Insight

I just want to add that I really value the knowledgeable Sephardi views on Arabs and Islam.

You still have many Sephardim who understand Arabic and are familiar with Muslim-Arabic culture in a way similar to those of us who grew up among Western non-Jewish culture.

These Sephardim pick up on nuances that others don’t and actually understand what Arabic-speakers mean when they say stuff.

And while they can be sympathetic toward Arabs and easily see them as individuals (just like we Americans relate toward our non-Jewish friends & neighbors), they are at the same time very aware of cultural values and behaviors.

What Do Ben Shapiro, Rav Avigdor Miller, and Neturei Karta Have in Common?

And with regard to Rabbi Nachum's summary of Neturei Karta’s views (which sound extreme under the Neturei Karta label, but are actually shared by many thinking frum Jews):

I’m seeing a similar dynamic among American Jews — those frum Jews who wish to disassociate themselves from the increasingly immoral views of liberal/Leftist Jews and the degenerate high mucky-mucks who are Jew in name only.

Disassociation is important both for the sake of truth and to avoid the undeserved fallout that occurs when decent frum Jews are lumped together with anti-Torah Jews.

Even the modern Orthodox Ben Shapiro disassociates himself from the widespread Jewish vote for Obama with:

“Most Jews aren’t Jewish in any real sense beyond ethnic identification.”

(Source)

Or this:

“…the Jews who vote for Obama are, by and large, Jews In Name Only (JINOs). They eat bagels and lox; they watch "Schindler's List"; they visit temple on Yom Kippur – sometimes. But they do not care about Israel. Or if they do, they care about it less than abortion, [same-gender] marriage and global warming.”

(Source)

Here’s something similar by Rav Avigdor Miller:
Rav Avigdor Miller on Neturei Karta & Dirty Laundry.

In other words:
“They don’t represent us. They don’t represent the authentic Jewish position.”

It’s also impossible to miss the implied plea not to hate or judge or condemn us (or authentic Torah Judaism) or attack us because of the “JINO” majority — an approach which shares some similarity with the Neturei Karta approach.

Also, please don’t think I’m equating Ben Shapiro with talmidei chachamim and real daas Torah. My point is that there is a logical response that any committed frum Jew could instinctively have. It’s self-protective, not extremist.

(And isn't it really bizarre to find a similarity in approach between Ben Shapiro & Neturei Karta & Rav Avigdor Miller? I had no idea I'd reach this conclusion when I started writing this post.)

Anyway, getting back to Sephardi chachamim & Tziyonut…

A Sampling of Sephardi Chachamim & Their Opinions

Here are 2 articles written by differently hashkafahed Jews:

Here’s a dati-leumi rabbi summing it up:
https://www.etzion.org.il/en/sephardic-rabbinical-approaches-zionism

And here is a Sephardi frum fellow summing it up:
https://bariveshema.blogspot.com/2006/05/sephardic-rabbis-and-zionism_04.html

This is the first time I’ve come across Bari VeShema and I’m not sure what his exact hashkafah is, but I prefer his summary of Sephardi Gedolim because it’s better-sourced.

Also, I found it difficult to research Sephardi Gadolim & Zionism because in the English-speaking Sephardi world, I think many prefer to think their Gedolim are dati-leumi, so I found the English-speaking Sephardi presentation slanted toward their own preference, which I'm not sure is completely accurate.

That's my impression. Please correct me if I'm wrong. Sincerely, I mean that.

So looking at Bari V’Shema, I was surprised to discover that Chacham Alfandari did not think that Agudas Yisrael was anti-Tziyoni enough.

Also, the Ben Ish Chai comes off as very strong in his stance.

Then there is this quote by the Baba Sali from Etzion’s Rabbi Jachter above:

“Ki Ata be-eish hitzata, u-va-eish Ata atid livnota” – with fire Yerushalayim was destroyed and with fire it will be rebuilt. He explained that just as Jerusalem was destroyed by the fire of avoda zara, it will sadly be rebuilt by avoda zara.

Very powerful.

I read this in another place and I wish I knew the source for this for sure. I love this quote and it makes sense that the Baba Sali said this, but I'm uncomfortable without solid sources for quotes.

Also, regarding the discussion that follows in the comments section of Bari V'Shema's post: I personally do not equate Zionism with the mitzvah of yishuv ha’Aretz, although many frum Jews do. (But many also do not.)

At the risk of this turning into a useless discussion of semantics, I think that equating Zionism with yishuv ha'Aretz confuses things — especially since the entire origin of the term & idea is secular & ethnocentric.

(This confusion can be seen, for example, in describing Doña Gracia Nasi as being one of the early “Zionists” because she strove to provide Jewish settlement in Tiveria, which some people do. Neither the term nor the idea even existed in the 1500s. There is a mitzvah of yishuv ha’Aretz. That’s all.)

Likewise, in the Etzion article, I’m not sure if the Sephardi chachamim were pro-Zionism per se or whether they were pro-yishuv ha’Aretz and in favor of winning battles against Jew-hating enemies.

What were the exact terms they used? I don't know. It doesn't say.

For example, Rav Ovadia Yosef was in favor of praying for Israeli soldiers. Doing so is not specifically Tziyoni. Why is davening for a fellow Jew to succeed against Jew-haters "tziyoni"?

To compare: Rav Avigdor Miller encouraged support of the IDF & Tziyonim against Jew-hating terror. He clearly says you SHOULD pray for Israeli soldiers. He was against these insane & suicidal “Land for peace” policies:

Rav Miller on Praying for the IDF (January 2001)

Rav Miller on Land for Peace (October 2000)

Yet he was clearly not “pro-Zionist.”

Rav Miller on the Sinking Boat of the Zionist State (November 1975)

In other words, Rav Miller loved all Jews and wanted what was truly best for us.

Secular Leftist anti-Torah tyrannies are not good for us.

Again, because of a tendency to equate fighting terror or settling the Land with “Zionism,” it’s not clear to me that these chachamim were “pro-Zionism.” Did they even use that specific term? Again, I do not know.

I personally do not & will not call myself a Zionist anymore than I would call myself a “Sabbathist” for keeping Shabbat or an “environmentalist” for observing the Torah prohibitions of bal tashchit and not uprooting fruit trees.

I don't refer to myself as a "monotheist" for believing in One God. Anyone can be a monotheist.

I'm a Torah-observant Jew.

I am not a Zionist. I’m a Torah observant Jew who, in addition to fulfilling other commandments in the Torah, also fulfills the commandment of yishuv ha’Aretz — to settle in Eretz Yisrael.

That’s it.

Anyway, I think this sums up everything I’ve learned so far about Sephardi Gedolim and Tziyonut.

Oh, Wait...One More Sephardi Opinion

Please see this tefillah of a huge Sephardi tzaddik for settling in Eretz Yisrael. This was in 1824 when Eretz Yisrael was under the occupation of Turkish Ottoman Empire.

A Prayer to Make Aliyah & Live in Eretz Yisrael

(The Pele Yoetz preceded Herzl & Tziyonut by decades, by the way, as did religious aliyah & settlement within Eretz Yisrael.)

The Pele Yoetz refers to aliyah as "likboa dirato ba'Eretz Yisrael — to set his residence in the Land of Israel" or "halichat Eretz Yisrael — going to Eretz Yisrael."

That's what I and millions of other Jews have done:

We went to Eretz Yisrael & we set our residence in Eretz Yisrael.

(Please see the Pele Yoetz's chapter on Eretz Yisrael in Ivrit or Eretz Yisrael in English.)

No Zionism, no political labels, no ethnic or cultural focus...just mitzvah.

A particularly heartwarming & fulfilling mitzvah.

Lake Kinneret (The Sea of Galilee)

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A Sampling of Sephardi Chachamim & Their Opinions

Oh, Wait...One More Sephardi Opinion

Myrtle Rising

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Tip #1
"That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow."
— Gemara Shabbat 31a

What is the Torah's Definition of a Positive Self-Image?

It's Not "I'm Okay, You're Okay."

It's More Along the Lines of: "Maybe I'm Not Really NOT Okay...But My Neshamah is Absolutely Brilliant!"