Category: Rav L.Y. Bender

Learning Spiritual Growth from the Low-Life Butcher who Eventually Achieved a Good Name

18/2/2020

In Words of Faith, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender recalls several Jews who started off on very low levels, but propelled themselves up into spiritual heroism & greatness.

Yet one, a butcher, did not become a heroic paragon of greatness like the others, but he did depart from This World "with a good name among the God-fearing Jews of America."

This is very good, but not on the same level as the former Shabbat-transgressor who reached such a high level that Rebbe Nosson said they will boast of him before the Kisei HaKavod (the Heavenly Throne of Glory). Nor is it the level of the former hitman who not only made complete teshuvah, but also risked his life to provide a mikveh for the Jewish community, in addition to generously fulfilling the needs of the poor from his own pocket.

Certainly, departing This World with a good name among God-fearing Jews is wonderful, but still not on the same level as Rav Bender himself, who was a lofty tzaddik.

One can depart with a good name without being an actual tzaddik.

Yet Rav Bender speaks of this butcher with such admiration.

Why?

Striving to be a Man When There are No Longer Any "Men"

The low-life butcher who departed with a good name takes us back to the idea of the measuring scale of 0-10.

(Please see Seeing Ourselves through Hashem's Eyes by Using a Measuring Scale of 0-10.)

This butcher was a total low-life. He used to waste time in the Breslov shul & hog the heater in the winter, and speak in such a vulgar manner that people like Rav Bender could not allow themselves to stand near the heater for fear of hearing things "that a delicate person could not bear to hear."

Rav Bender and other special Breslovers lived in extreme poverty and toiveled in a roofless mikveh full of ice in the freezing Ukrainian winters.

Believe me, these tzaddikim NEEDED the heater in the shul.

Yet they couldn't revive themselves by the heater due to this vulgar boor.

And how distressing for such holy people to be forced to be around such ugly behavior. It also goes against everything a shul is for.

Some congregants wished to forcibly remove this vulgar boor.

But the rav of the shul, Rav Avraham (ben Rav Nachman) Chazan, pleaded with his well-meaning congregants:

"He came to us — do not disturb him... In spite of everything, he feels obliged to come to us. Don't do anything to harm him..."

[Vol II, pg 308]

This attitude was in accordance with classic Breslov philosophy.

Ironically, after this low-life butcher left the presence of true tzaddikim in Uman and encountered the watered-down version of frumkeit in America, only then did the butcher feel inspired to change.

Upon seeing the style of prayer and behavior of the shepherd-less chassidim in America and how it paled in comparison to what he'd experienced in the Breslover shul in Uman, the low-life butcher felt compelled to make a change.

No longer able to drift along by the coattails of real tzaddikim, this butcher strove to be an ish in a place where there was no ish, like it says in Pirkei Avot 2:5 "In a place where there are no men, strive to be a man."

Now.

Where was the starting point of this low-life boor?

How was he raised?

The book doesn't say.

Did he even know how to read? And if he could read, did he possess the ability to learn Mishneh? Chumash with Rashi?

The book doesn't say.

Whatever the butcher's skills were, he felt he needed to guide his new community in America based on the example he saw in the Breslov shul in Uman.

It doesn't say he learned Torah or mussar; it just implies that he led by example—based on the example he witnessed in Uman.

Ultimately, we see he possessed at least some internal keilim (he was able to identify the weaknesses in the American chassidic community and feel bothered by the weaknesses enough to compel change, both in himself and others)—internal keilim which weren't realized until he arrived at a weaker community.

As far as external keilim go, it's not clear, but it looks like he didn't receive such a great upbringing, although it seems that it was at least somewhat religious, even if only externally.

His greatest external keilim was his exposure to real tzaddikim like Rav Bender and Rav Avraham (ben Rav Nachman) Chazan, among others.

So where would we say this butcher started out an a scale of 1-10?

Zero?

Two?

It's hard to say exactly, but something like the above.

And where is "departing with a good name among God-fearing Jews in America"?

Is that average—like a 5?

After all, many of us will likely depart with a good name among God-fearing Jews in our community (may we all live in good health until 120). That's the average expectation, right?

Or is it more than average? Like a 6 or even a 7?

If being boasted of before the Kisei HaKavod or risking one's life to build & provide a mikveh & providing for the poor, or being a real tzaddik & talmid chacham is a 10, then departing with a good name among God-fearing Jews in America isn't near 10.

So it's hard to say for sure. Yet whether the butcher was a zero or a 2 who made it to a 5 or 6, Rav Bender spoke highly of him.

Rav Bender obviously considered the man spiritually accomplished even if he never came close to achieving the astounding accomplishments of the others, or even the achievements of Rav Bender himself.

Let's end with the words of Rav Bender at the conclusion of the above story on page 308 in Volume II of Words of Faith:

"Even if chalilah v'chas you are wicked — don't remain alone... Do not look at yourself as wicked. Then the end will be good — it will certainly be good."

To read the stories mentioned in this post, please see:

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Some More Thoughts on Therapy, Its Uses & Abuses

22/1/2020

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This blog has featured posts on therapy and therapists, and its flaws.

However, I do kind of worry that I've come off harsher than intended. It's hard to get all the perspectives into one single post, but I want to try.

Maybe I haven't emphasized enough that I don't automatically think badly of therapists or people who choose to invest in therapy.

I think most therapists and their clients are sincere and wish to help/be helped.

I also think we're basically talking about good people across the board (with some exceptions).

But I also see very real flaws in the whole system.

Having said that, of course, you can speak to someone.

You can speak to Hashem, but of course you can also speak to another person.

Lubavitcher women have a mashpia. Many people have rebbetzins or rebbis or good friends or mentors of some kind – someone who gives them chizuk & helps them better themselves.

In the book Words of Faith, the tzaddik Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender lays out recommendations on how to be a truly beneficial confidant.

For discussions of his ideas, please see:

How to Listen & How to Speak
Friendship & Encouraging Words
The Honesty Deception
A Tzaddik's Example: Listen, Empathize, Encourage
Human Interaction and the Secret of Light

Your therapist or adviser can also fulfill that role; the question is whether they ARE actually fulfilling that role to your best interests.

Going Back in Time for Some Personal Anecdotes

Being the secular American child of the 1980s, I've been to therapists a few times, although I never invested years in therapy.

For my generation (and I think everyone younger than me), therapy was & still is considered both the acceptable & the responsible thing to do. (And psychiatric treatment has now joined therapy in this respect.)

Two non-Jewish therapists did me no good whatsoever. Literally nothing came out of it, even though with one of them, I spent 6 months at the age of 16 going to weekly appointments because I felt very insecure and wished to become an emotionally healthy person, and thought that these weekly appointments would fix me. Total waste of time & money.

One high school guidance counselor (who are usually considered a joke) was a wonderfully empathetic listener and adored by the student body. A wide variety of students went to her, including those you'd think would never do so. While I'm grateful for the temporary relief she provided with her genuine caring, I made no progress whatsoever in self-improvement or any specific issues.

In fact, as I started looking into Torah Judaism and made plans for aliyah, she displayed sincere concern (she was a very sincere Liberal and a feminist), which included handing me the photocopied article from a magazine interview with a Palestinian terrorist who expressed the goal of moving to England and becoming a computer programmer after he was done terrorizing Jews. (Well, I considered him a terrorist anyway. The guidance counselor and the magazine clearly did not consider his actions as "terror.")

She also gave me another photocopied article of a secular Leftist Israeli who'd gone undercover as an Arab to see how it feels. Needless to say, it did not present a balanced picture.

Guess who were the poor sympathetic victims and who were the bad guys?

When I discussed this slanted hit-job with her later, addressing some of the more blatant and suspicious parts, she merely looked saddened at my inability to accept the facts as she saw them.

She also seemed confused by my opinion that the reporter's strong Leftist bias made him, well, biased.

Interestingly, despite the obvious middot work I needed to do, handing me these skillfully written propaganda pieces was the most proactive she'd ever been about changing my thought patterns.

And I'm still trying to remember if it was she who lent me a book written by a Reform rabbi, to influence me away from frumkeit...

Clearly, she only became concerned enough to leave aside the facilitative listening and influence me was when I looked toward become a more spiritual and moral person.

An Example of Truly Helpful Therapy for 1 Specific Issue

Later, in my 20s, I confided in a rebbetzin my unrelenting anxiety in a specific area. When she saw she wasn't able to help me, she set up a meeting with a frum female therapist who specialized in this issue (which was the responsible thing to do, and I was grateful to her for caring enough to do it).

This frum therapist also offered first appointments for free, so even though she knew this would likely be a one-time meeting, she still offered that time free of charge.

After I explained my anxiety, she got straight to the core of the issue with the help of a few insightful questions, then she addressed my issue with conviction in a convincing & thoughtful manner.

She thoroughly answered every concern I had about the issue, completely reassuring me.

With this particular weight lifted from my heart, I went on with my life and did not need another visit.

Perhaps this is a good example of what has been mentioned in previous posts: Therapy can be helpful for certain issues, but not necessarily for overall self-improvement (although it can do that too to a point).

While this particular issue ended up completely resolved in 1 session of therapy, I did not leave her office a better person than when I'd entered it.

I felt better (about this issue, anyway), but I wasn't actually a better person overall.

(And this says nothing bad about the therapist because the only goal of the session was to focus on this one issue, and not to work on myself overall.)

Lots of Money & Time with Very Little Benefit

Later, I went to another frum therapist over the course of a few months. She wasn't able to help me with that issue overall, but she did open my eyes to a certain negative behavior I'd unconsciously adopted.

Stunned by the realization, I quickly got to work on it.

That was an actual aspect of middot work. But just one and the main issue I'd come for wasn't helped even one bit (as far as I can remember).

Then I decided to continue with her regarding another issue, that of my fear of being the victim of a terror attack. (This was around the time suicide bombers were blowing up buses and kiosks, I knew people who almost victims of these attacks, so it wasn't an irrational fear.)

After cheerfully explaining how she personally did not relate to this fear, and cheerfully including a personal anecdote to show just how much she could not personally empathize, she agreed to work with me on it anyway.

Needless to say, this did not last long. Maybe I met with her once or twice more.

I think there is a tremendous pull in being listened to and also being liked. Because she listened to me & indicated that she liked me, I remember her fondly despite the fact that she was only of little help practically.

Should you pay hundreds (or even thousands of the course of months or years) for that?

I suppose that if you can easily afford to and you really crave being listened to and liked...well, I honestly don't know.

But you should at least know what you're paying for – and I think that the enjoyment of the therapist's caring and validation masks the reality that many people are not getting as much practical help from therapy as they feel they are.

The truth is, plain old therapy cannot really remedy a rational fear.

Hashem is really the only answer to fear.

Had she decided to learn Gate of Bitachon from Chovot Halevavot with me, or any other relevant chapters from other mussar books, it would've been much more helpful.

However, she herself would need to be on that level and in that frame of mind in order to give over such concepts.

(Although it could also be that just learning them together and speaking them out loud would've still been very helpful, even without her being able to project it. After all, the message of these great Sages comes through no matter what.)

Happier People aren't Necessarily Better People

The daughter of an incredibly wealthy secular family became suicidally depressed.

This is actually not so surprising as she was raised by a very self-righteous & distant mother (who was occasionally abusive) and hung out with other obnoxiously wealthy & decadent "friends" who held few morals and little meaning in their lives...which consisted of achieving good grades, while indulging in hard drugs and hefker behavior outside of school.

So she went to a very expensive & highly regarded secular doctor-psychologist.

Indeed, he helped her get out of her depression. She no longer wished to kill herself, and she not only rose out of her depression, but she charmed others with her funny & bubbly persona.

She also felt like therapy really helped her. She felt like her therapist saved her life (and he did).

Yet however much she felt better and happier, she was not a better person.

She continued to dabble in "soft" drugs, engage in appallingly hefker behavior (including becoming the mistress of a man she KNEW FROM THE FIRST was married with a child, then tried to wreck his marriage when he decided to stop the affair to return to his wife), and so on with behaviors that were either self-destructive or other-destructive.

Again, despite therapy saving her life and making her a happier person, therapy certainly did not make her a better person.

Physical Abuse? Cured! Emotional Neglect? Well...

A childhood friend told me about how, due to behavioral problems with another sibling, her parents were coerced into therapy.

She thinks this is why the physical abuse she'd been experiencing until then stopped.

So though her parents both stopped whacking the kids, and she stopped living in fear of being hit, her parents never became loving or nurturing parents.

Her father still had a temper and her mother was still heartbreakingly uninterested.

She said she's grateful that the therapy somehow stopped the physical abuse (which she thinks wasn't really inner change, but perhaps just the threat of being reported), but at the same time, she felt it showed just how much her parents really did not care about her.

Who is the Focus?

One final point:

Many advisers tend to talk about themselves under the guise of helping you.

Although this is neither so logical or helpful (unless your personality or situation happen to be so similar to the adviser's that this actually gives you helpful direction or validation), it's understandable because good listening calls for tremendous focus & self-restraint.

So it's understandable that people who spend so much of their time listening to others might get overwhelmed with the required self-discipline and start going on about themselves when they either should be listening or be talking about you and your situation.

So even when it's not helpful, it's still understandable.

However, therapists can do this too.

And while it's still understandable for the reasons above, this kind of self-indulgence is especially inappropriate when you are paying them so much for the time.

I think this is a problem, whether you're asking for aitzah or therapy.

Just to clarify: IF their own sharing is MEANT to be helpful and IS helpful, then that's fine. It can be really good.

But if it's just an emotional indulgence of theirs, that's not what you're there for.

Uh-Oh...I'm Even Worse Than I Thought!

When I first started doing hitbodedut and a real cheshbon hanefesh, I was struck with the profound realization of what bad middah was at the core of my negative behaviors.

I had never considered myself to have a problem with that particular middah (other middot, yes; this one, no), yet here it was in all its shocking starkness.

Interestingly, this issue never came up in any therapy session, it was never noticed by my parents or friends or my husband, and it never even came up with my mentor-rebbetzin who'd helped me so much with real middot work and self-improvement.

I don't want to say what it was, but let's use another example:

Let's say that I have problems with anger & spreading rumors, I enjoy making nasty barbs at others, and struggle a lot with giving the benefit of the doubt. (Ew, what a nasty person!)

(BTW, conventional therapy would diagnose me as suffering from low self-esteem and work on making me feel better about myself to stop the negative behaviors – which, as discussed above, doesn't ultimately help.)

So maybe I think my core problematic middot are anger, a sadistic streak (i.e. the middah of achzariyut/cruelty), and cynicism. And people who know me well might agree.

But when I do a raw cheshbon hanefesh in hitbodedut, I discover that I have a serious problem with envy. (Again, NOT the problem I discovered. This is a decoy.)

But wait – I never considered myself an envious person before! In fact, I always thought that envy was the LEAST of my problems!

And now, I am faced with the realization that not only is envy a problem for me, it is actually a HUGE problem and the root cause of my other bad middot.

(Meaning, most of the time rage boiled over, it had to do with envy. The nasty barbs and rumor-mongering emanated from envy, etc. Again, all theoretical.)

Again, these weren't my exact issues, but looking back, I don't blame anyone (including professionals) for not having cottoned on to one of the main middot I needed to fix.

It's was disguised by several other bad middot.

And in hindsight, I honestly don't see that it would've been picked up on in therapy.

Also, when you first stumble across a bad middah, you can be plunged into terrible shame, which might be a barrier when you're working via another person.

But it's okay because Hashem already knew this about you and anyway, HE was the One who planted it within you (so it's not really your fault that you have it, although you still have a responsibility to fix it).

So you can deal with the shame that way.

In fact, once you've discovered the middah and felt ashamed, you can now be really happy with this evidence that you are such a wonderful person who works on yourself so sincerely, and that Hashem loves you so much for doing so, and you've also sweetened dinim just by doing this.

Anyway, I don't blame anyone for never catching it.

It merely proved to me the importance of doing your own work on yourself in private with Hashem.

Conclusion

So I hope that clarifies things more.

Like I've said before, I think that therapy can be helpful for spot-cleaning specific issues.

After all, it helped me with a couple of specific issues and I've seen others helped too.

However, I've seen time and again that fixing a specific issue often does not lead to overall self-improvement.

Even feeling better or feeling happier does not automatically lead to overall better behavior.

(Along these lines, I could tell you a couple of stories of the hurtful behavior of cheerful people on antidepressants. Not the homicidal behavior of a minority, but the routine verbal behavior of many on antidepressants who indeed feel happier, but really should tape up their mouths. So they feel really good, but sometimes behave very badly WHILE feeling really good!)

If it addresses an actual middah, then yes, it can lead to self-improvement (although there are other middot that need to be addressed; rare is the person who only has one problematic middah).

And as has been mentioned in previous posts, statistics show that, for example, most divorced couples invested in marital therapy prior to divorce (i.e., the therapy did not help the marriage).

The same issues apply when going to any adviser for help.

Whether they realize it or not, many people invest in therapy to feel better, whether they actually become better people or not.

If you're in a situation in which you crave the relief gained from pouring out your heart to a sympathetic listener AND you can afford to pay someone for this...well, okay. I honestly don't know.

Ultimately, I think it's good to be aware of:

what you're really in therapy for
what the therapist can honestly do for you
what you can get out of it
how to deal the difference between feeling better & truly being a better person

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The Main Reason for Hatred & How to Turn It Around

13/1/2020

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The Best Advice on How to Destroy Your Bad Middot without Destroying Yourself

10/1/2020

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The #1 Ultimate Way to Alleviate Suffering in This World (and it sure ain't easy and maybe even seems impossible, but even a little bit still helps)

9/1/2020

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At one point, I was feeling all out of sorts and having a difficult time lifting myself out of the doldrums and despondency.

So I did what a lot of people do, and I decided to open up at random a book written by a tzaddik and use that as a direct message from Hashem about how I should proceed.

People do this with the Chumash, the Lubavitcher Rebbe's letters, Rebbe Nachman's Likutei Moharan – anything written by either Hashem or one of His tzaddikim will work.

I chose Volume I of Words of Faith by Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender because his words always speak to me so meaningfully, and I always feel he's so full of love and understanding.

Page 133 turned up with the sub-heading:
Thinking of Tachlis Alleviates Harsh Devotions

"Tachlis" can be translated as "the Ulitmate Goal" – meaning, completing your own rectifications, sweetening and bringing the Geula, influencing Am Yisrael & the world positively (albeit invisibly), and earning yourself a fabulous portion in the World to Come.

Rav Bender starts off this section by discussing how holy men in his time were able to carry out such harsh devotions, like immersing in a roofless mikveh among chunks of ice. Or doing hitbodedut outside in a forest for hours in searingly cold weather while hopping from foot to foot just to prevent freezing to death.

The answer is:

The more a person is bound to Tachlis [Ultimate Goal], the easier it is for him to serve Hashem Yisbarach. Despite all the difficulties and toil, the pain and suffering – thinking of Tachlis turns it all to a good sweet life...

(Full disclaimer: Needless to say, we're discussing an idea that is way, way beyond me right now. So I'm going to quote Rav Bender directly throughout this post so you can get it straight from his pure & holy heart.)

Despite how far we feel from this level, it is still a good goal to keep in mind.

Rav Avigdor Miller spoke a lot of focusing on all the wonders and pleasures of Hashem's world. Mesillat Yesharim spoke of how we are supposed to take pleasure in This World, even though that is very difficult for many of us, practically speaking.

But it is a beneficial goal.

It's a quintessentially Jewish idea at the root of our whole system of emunah & daas.

And this is the paradox we live in.

Rav Bender goes on to acknowledge that "The world is filled with pain and bitterness."

Correct! Couldn't have said it better.

For indeed there is strong bitterness in this world. It is there whatever you do...

Exactly.

Then Rav Bender says (pg. 134):

However, when one is bound to the Tachlis, he doesn't experience any bitterness and difficulty... It is possible to jump into a frozen mikveh, to rip raw wounds easily... Because the heart that is attached Above in a strong bond doesn't feel any pain.

Why the Heck is This Uplifting?

Why IS this uplifting?

Many of us might feel like this is yet another level we can never reach.

Like, "Uh, binding myself to the Tachlis and attaching my heart Above in such a strong bond that I no longer feel any pain? Well, gosh. Yet another thing to just plain fail at again...thanks a lot."

But the truth is that knowing that the joy is out there can bring a glimmer of light to a long, dark, claustrophobic tunnel.

The truth is that people who have worked on connecting to Hashem, finding meaning in yissurim, and focusing on the Tachlis tend to be happier and deal with suffering better than those who don't do this at all.

Yes, they may still find themselves down in the dumps at times.

But they are still better off overall.

Furthermore, people who at least try to fulfill this idea find themselves not only behaving better, but actually feeling better in situations that used to stress them out.

People who at least work on binding themselves to the Tachlis (or whatever words they use to describe it) will tell you that there are situations that used to hurt them or really throw them off balance, and now those same situations either make them laugh or they respond with emotional equanimity.

Not with EVERYTHING, but I personally know people for whom this is true at least some of the time.

I'm not talking about repressing or lying to themselves or faking their outer behavior (although there is also value in the "fake it 'til ya make it" method).

I'm talking about regular people who affected such a real inner change in a particular area that their heart, their actual emotions truly changed (at least in some situations that previously used to knock them out of the game).

So whether or not we reach the level of "suffering without actually feeling any suffering whatsoever," connecting to this idea still can grant us extra light in our life, extra happiness, and more emotional equilibrium.

Connecting to this idea even a little can still make us better people, even if only in some small way (which is still a million times better than not improving at all).

The main way to do this, says Rav Bender throughout the book, is to talk to Hashem as you would a Best Friend who truly loves and understands you, and is always forgiving.

Why on Earth Do We Beg Hashem to Grant Tzaddikim a Good Reward?

Rav Bender brings a chiddush from another Breslov tzaddik, Rav Avraml.

In Shemoneh Esrei, we say, "V'Ten sachar tov l'chol habotchim b'Shimcha b'emet — And grant good reward to all those who trust in Your Name in truth."

Who are the people who trust in Hashem's Name "b'emet" – for real?

They are the people who live every moment with the Tachlis in mind. Their hearts are always connected Above.

And who are they?

Our tzaddikim!

But think about that for a moment.

Why on earth do we need to beg Hashem 3 times a day to grant TZADDIKIM a good reward?

After all, they're tzaddikim.

Of course they get reward! If they don't, then who does?

The answer is: They live in a state of sweetness.

Suffering doesn't pain them.

So how can suffering atone for them?

As Rav Bender explains: "not only do they not feel the pain of meaningless worldly suffering, they also experience good life."

What's more, we have further elucidation from Rav Yaakov HaLevi Dov (who attended the shiur from which this page was transcribed & apparently said the following in the middle of this shiur):

The idea here outlined is in line with a statement of the Rebbe:

The World to Come – we believe in.

But "This World" – those who have it good here – he does not see. Only Gehinnom...

Meaning, the average person goes through so much worldly suffering that it cannot really be said that he "lives it up" in a secular sense.

However, tzaddikim – who merit to live with constant awareness of Tachlis – are able to enjoy life while here too.

Because they are connected to what life is really about and they live on a higher plane...

And that's why we need to beg Hashem to still grant them a good reward: Even though they're experiencing pleasure and not the cleansing pain of yissurim (suffering), their enjoyment still shouldn't detract from their Ultimate Reward.

So that's where it's at.

And I don't think I'm anywhere near this level, and I still have my falls, but I do see that at least attempting to grasp onto this concept really does help at least a little.

And hopefully, people will take from Rav Bender's words whatever they're able, whatever level they happen to be at right now, b'ezrat Hashem.

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What to Do When It's Just You against the Giant Whirlpool of Mud

3/10/2019

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"I have sunk in a whirlpool & there is no place to stand..."

-Tehillim/Psalm 69:3

The word translated here as "whirlpool" is metzulah in the original text.

Rashi and others translate it as like a muddy mire (more companionable with the previous post).

But Rav Avraham ibn Ezra describes it as in the middle of the sea -- a whirlpool.

Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender acknowledges the simple meaning of the verse:

This person is not only in the terrible quandary of getting stuck in a whirlpool; he can't even stand there — there is additional pain & suffering.

All hope seems lost.

How to Win the Massively Unfair Fight between You & the Giant Muddy Whirlpool

But the Breslover Sages provided an insightful twist on these words:

"There is no place to stand" can also mean that one is not stuck there.

Do not stand in place.

Rav Bender exhorts (Words of Faith Vol. I, pg. 405):

"Deal with it and wrestle and make all effort to get out."

Rav Bender explains that even if all the person sees is mud and he simply cannot wrench himself free, however hard he tries...nonetheless, if he remains stuck and does not move to free himself, "he will certainly sink deeper with no possibility of being saved, chas v'shalom."

The way of struggling is one foot in, one foot out.

"I give a blow, I take a blow," says Rav Bender.

Taking a blow or getting caught in the mud, getting all wet & dirty — this itself is the nisyon, it's not the final judgement on you.

Too many people condemn us when they see us struggling and muddy.

Heck, we condemn ourselves for our clumsy desperate flailing & our muddily soaked appearance.

But according to Rav Bender and according to David Hamelech, that's not how Hashem sees things at all.

Rav Bender insists that the main thing is to try. We must be strong and ensure that last foot steps out...

As long as we WANT to escape the muddy whirlpool and the mire, as long as we TRY to free ourselves, we're beautiful to Hashem.

And He'll make us win in the end.

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The #1 Thing to Keep Doing When You Find Yourself Sinking in Mud

2/10/2019

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"Know this: Whatever state a person might be in, when he wages constant war — the main thing is who wins in the end, who shoots the last bullet..."

-Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender
Words of Faith Vol. I, pg. 404

One of the most discouraging aspects of self-improvement is the up-and-down aspect of doing teshuvah.

It feels manic-depressive: When you're up, you can feel high as a kite.

When you're down, you can hate both yourself & the world.

Of course, the ups and downs may not always be as extreme as that, but it can still be discouraging if, for example, your Rosh Hashanah davening was full of flavor & inspiration, then the 10 Days of Teshuvah see you waking up on the wrong foot and feeling generally irritable or despondent.

Or maybe you wake up with a song in your heart, but throughout the day, events get you down and you go to bed feeling like a failure.

It helps a lot to know that this is a NATURAL part of the process, and not necessarily a negative reflection on the innate "you."

The Mud Parable

Rav Bender explains that it's like being stuck in a type of sinking mud-bog.

If you just stand there, you will surely sink deeper and deeper.

But if you try to wrangle one foot out?

Ah, now there's hope!

Yes, you're still in the mud.

But at least you resist getting swallowed whole.

So you end up in this wonky balancing act: You're up to your knees in mud and you've got one foot in and one foot out. And then you switch them. And then you switch them again. And again.

It's exhausting, it's messy...but it's exactly what you're supposed to be doing.

For many of us, whether we realize it or not, there's actually no other choice.

And the Winner is...The Exhausted Muddy Person Still Sunk in the Bog, But Who at Least has ONE Foot OUT!

Rav Bender explains that as long as a person has one foot out of the mud, there is hope that this last act will be in his favor, that he will win.

"One foot in, one foot out. But the main thing is that the last foot should be outside."

It sounds so strange, but this is the pure unadulterated truth:

Despite the fact that the rest of you is covered with mud and still caught in the bog, that mere one foot out declares you a winner.

But how can you know with all the constant switching, that the last foot will be out in the end?

Rav Bender assures us that it all depends on your desire. Ratzon.

If you really wholeheartedly want to get out of the mud, you will win in the end.

You can't know when — hopefully, it will be soon with a sweet Geula — but as long as you really want it, you WILL win in the end.

Related post:
Spiritual Bipolar Disorder - Part 1

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How to Become Exceptional in 10 Minutes: Rav Avigdor Miller's Rosh Hashanah Advice

24/9/2019

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In Words of Faith, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender cautions us against falling into the trap of the "frum" yetzer hara.

The "frum" yetzer hara seems very pious in his negative evaluations of any mitzvah we do.

Nothing is ever good enough.

And while it's true that maybe we didn't daven with so much kavanah, this oh-so pious yetzer hara sucks any joy we feel out of the mitzvah.

Furthermore, he makes us feel like Torah & mitzvot are too hard, that we'll never perform any mitzvah "well enough," and then he convinces us...why bother? It's not worth even trying.

And that's the killer clause of the pious yetzer hara.

When 5+5 equals 1 in 10,000

So we must defeat this oh-so seemingly pious yetzer hara by listening to what our real talmidei chachamim say about baby steps.

They for sure know better than even your frummest yetzer hara.

In a recently transcribed lecture Rav Avigdor Miller on 10 Minutes to Make You Great, Rav Miller tells us to spend 10 minutes in preparation for the New Year, for Rosh Hashanah.

And what do we do in those 10 minutes?

Spend 5 minutes thinking about all the good Hashem did for you over this past year.
Spend 5 minutes creating resolutions for the coming year.

If you do this, then Rav Miller considers you "great;" you're head and shoulders above the rest.

Those ten minutes will be a great accomplishment.

If after sitting here...you’ll go out and think for five minutes, you should know that you’re an exception. You’re a dagul mei’rivavah – you’re one out of ten thousand.

There’s nobody like you.

Who thinks for five whole minutes about gratitude for Hashem for the past year?!

And who thinks for five minutes about making resolutions for improving himself in the coming year?! People talk about it. But that’s all.

That’s why I said in the beginning of our talk, that if you do this on a small scale, then you shoot up and your head is way above everybody else.

TAPE #138 (September 1976)
Toras Avigdor

If you've been visiting Toras Avigdor or listening to Rav Miller's shiurim, then you know that here's a Jew who does not mince words.

Especially when it comes to avodat Hashem, Rav Miller is straight as they come.

And while I think that they whole frum awakening toward gratitude and thanking Hashem has picked up since 1976, there are, tragically, enough assimilated Jews and enough by-rote Jews that you really stand out with those 10 minutes.

And the more of us who take these 10 minutes to thank Hashem for all the good of the past year while making specific resolutions for the coming year, the more we can sweeten din and reap blessing for ourselves and others.

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From Light-Headed Scoffer to Generous Tzaddik

22/9/2019

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One of the many things I love about Words of Faith (a 2-volume compilation of Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender's talks) is the examples of people who did teshuvah.

I think it's so important to speak about the accomplishments of externally unremarkable people.

Or seemingly hopeless people.

And I mean REALLY hopeless-seeming people.

For example, Rav Bender describes a man who is basically a bum who hogs the heater in the Uman shul all the tefillah. (This is my terminology; Rav Bender's description is far more refined.)

For impoverished & cold attendees like Rav Bender, this meant they never had a chance to warm up. Ever. Due to the man's choice of language and topics, Rav Bender and others could not stand near the jerk, even to enjoy the heat.

Yet this same worthless bum later did complete teshuvah, and even made a very good name for himself.

(For the full story, please see: 2 Examples of Unforeseeable Personality Transformation.)

Interestingly, Rav Bender mentions no observation of a certain kind of "spark" or hidden potential during the time he knew the boorish man. Instead, Rav Bender sounds pleasantly surprised that after immigrating to America, the man made a deep & gradual change.

So the point is that you do not need to be some kind of special person to do teshuvah.

You don't even need to be a decent person or even someone with an ounce of EQ (emotional intelligence).

I just love the story of the boorish meat-selling bum because to me, his teshuvah is more inspiring than that of a big rasha (as featured in The True Story of How a Murderer Did Teshuvah).

After all, big reshaim can be a charismatic. They can be intelligent & savvy.

The story of the insensitive boor who is not embarrassed to hog the shul heater right in front of tremendous tzaddikim is the one that gives me the most hope.

The Inspiring Story of Dovid Heisener

And Rav Bender offers us another inspiring story (pg. 178, Vol I).

Originally, Dovid Heisener was "a secular Jew devoid of Torah and mitzvos" who was also "a material person whose entire aspiration was to 'live it up'."

Dovid Heisener fearlessly risked his life to amass great wealth via the illegal transaction of dollars & gold.

Yet despite being a savvy & careful guy, Dovid Heisener was caught in Moscow with dollars on him, which earned him the punishment of banishment for 3 years.

Oddly, the court allowed him to choose where he would spend this banishment.

Even more oddly, he chose Uman in the Ukraine.

After arriving in Uman with his wife & family, Dovid Heisener heard there was a "Breslov theater" in Uman.

So, being a "happy scoffer" (as Rav Bender described him), Dovid Heisener made his way to the Breslov shul to see these "strange people who danced and jumped and practiced bizarre customs not like others..."

And indeed, Dovid Heisener found it all strange and entertaining at first.

It's obvious from Rav Bender's description that Rav Bender and the shul rabbi, Rav Avraham ben Rav Nachman, understood exactly why this "happy scoffer" was sitting in their shul.

You can also imagine how they were made fun of among the townspeople after watching this "Breslov theater," as Dovid Heisener called it.

But as always, they held by Rebbe Nosson's original custom that if someone attends the Breslov shul, there must be a reason for it, and to allow the person to attend in peace.

It doesn't mean you hang out with that person.

It doesn't mean you invite the guy for Shabbos.

But don't push him away, either.

Gradually, Dovid Heisener noticed the "deep seriousness" and "fear of Heaven" resting on the faces of the chassidim.

His attendance became regular, then he started participating in the davening and also attended the Torah classes.

Ultimately, Dovid Heisener did complete teshuvah.

And with the proceeds and materials from his leather business, Dovid Heisener provided warm coats & snow shoes to all those who wished to go out into the fields for hitbobedut during the harsh Russian winters.

In the words of Rav Bender (pg. 180):

"He was transformed from one extreme to the other. Until he actually turned into a tzaddik. That light-headed scoffer was transformed into a serious simple servant of Hashem who was a pleasure to gaze at..."

I hope that we can all derive inspiration from the fact that even if you're just a money-loving, adventurous, entertainment-seeking scoffer, you can still do complete teshuvah.

And even more so, if you're NOT starting out on such a low level.

But either way, there's definitely hope!

Here are the some of Rav Bender's stories of inspiring teshuvah:

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How to Save the World One Step at a Time

31/7/2019

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In general, our biggest tzaddikim don’t shove us toward grand gestures and massive gulps.

They tend to advise smaller steps to advance in ruchaniut and middot.

Yes, sometimes, grand gestures are needed—like the fashion-addicted woman who saved her own life by plucking out all her immodest clothing and making a happy bonfire in her yard.

She’d been diagnosed with something like a fatal brain tumor.

Yet after meeting with Rebbetzin Batsheva Kanievsky a”h, the young woman made this grand gesture of commitment to tsniut and the tumor (or whatever it was; can’t remember exactly) disappeared.

And sometimes, a massive gesture IS called for, like a prayer gathering or saying the entire Sefer Tehillim/Book of Psalms in one go (which takes some of us 5-6 hours).

But day-to-day?

How to Transform Your Life with Rebbetzin Kanievsky's Advice

What did Rebbetzin Kanievsky a"h recommend in order to generate more blessing in life?

Learn 2 halachot of lashon hara a day.
Take in Shabbat 10 minutes earlier. (Easier said than done, for some of us—Friday morning, ask Hashem for help achieving this! But she promised miracles for those who manage to achieve this.)
Add 1 passage from the siddur to your morning davening. (For example, if you don’t say Aleinu L’shabeyach at the end of Shacharit, then start saying it.)
Bake your own challot and add your prayers to the powerful mitzvah of hafrashat challah. (Full disclosure: Personally, I do not always manage to make challahs every week, but she said it, so I’m putting it here.)
Say "Ein od milvado!" ("There is absolutely nothing else except Him!") with as much conviction and kavanah as you possibly can.

Again, please note the small numbers:

ONE extra thing from the siddur
TWO halachot
ten MINUTES
hafrashat challah ONCE a week
ONE phrase consisting of THREE words that takes mere SECONDS to say

Climbing Mountains One Step at a Time

Again: Yes, there is a place for grand gestures.

Malky Feig’s Mountain Climbers 2 tells of a family that saved the life of a young boy in their family by being ready for Shabbat by the halachic noon of Erev Shabbat.

He was diagnosed with a fatal illness, yet this family, who usually came crashing into Shabbat by the skin of their teeth, got their act together for an early Shabbat and the boy remained alive and healthy.

(Their source was the Chafetz Chaim’s advice to another couple generations earlier, based on the fact that Shabbat is mekor habracha—the source of blessing; so adding more Shabbat into one’s life increases one’s blessing.)

But Malky Feig also brings examples of people who reaped blessing from very small gestures—acts that regular people might scoff at if you told them.

For example, a young frum woman overcame a bleak diagnosis by resolving to stop using a soft-bristled hairbrush on Shabbat (because it unintentionally pulls out hairs, which is forbidden on Shabbat, even though she’d bought the soft bristles to avoid such a thing—but it pulled out some hair anyway).

Rav Avigdor Miller's 10 Steps to Greatness

Rav Avigdor Miller is famous for his 10 Steps to Greatness (Tape #706):

Spend 30 seconds thinking of Olam Haba and how we are in This World ONLY as a preparation for the World to Come.
Say at least once (in private) "I love You, Hashem."
Do one hidden act of chesed that no one (other than Hashem) knows about.
Be like Hashem, Who lifts the humble; say something to encourage someone.
Spend 1 minute thinking about what happened yesterday (cheshbon hanefesh).
Your actions should be l'Shem Shamayim/for the sake of Heaven (say that once during meals).
Look into someone's face and think: "I'm seeing a tzelem Elokim ('Image' of Hashem)."
Just like Hashem's Face shines on us, give someone a big smile.
When saying "malbish arumim" in the morning blessings, think about the great gift of garments, i.e. pockets, buttons, shoelaces, etc.
In private, sit on the floor for 1 second each day & think about the loss of Yerushalayim.

After recommending carrying out these steps out for 30 days, Rabbi Miller advised, "If you feel exhausted, take a break and come back slowly. To become great, you have to be extreme."

For a more detailed version of Rav Miller's ten steps, please see: 10 steps to Greatness by Rav Avigdor Miller z''l (tape #706)

Stream-Lined Advice from the Kaliver Rebbe

Likewise, when asked how to prevent another Shoah and protect the Jewish people in general, the late Kaliver Rebbe Menachem Mendel Taub ztz”l, who survived the horrific human experimentation of evil Mengele yemach shemo in Auschwitz, recommended focusing on the following:

Solid emunah in Hashem (“knowing that Hakadosh Baruch Hu is running the world”)
Loving our fellow Jews
Serving Hashem with joy
Keeping Shabbat scrupulously (“by studying the laws of Shabbos”)
Saying "Shema Yisrael"
Say Aleinu L’shabeyach

Granted several of the above are hard to achieve.

Regardless, even the tiniest progress in these particular areas is very, very powerful.

And out of 613 mitzvot (and any feel-good derech-hateva efforts, like politicking), the Rebbe pared it down for us to focus on the above 6 ideals.

In other words, he didn’t insist on us being perfect in every way and taking on massive chumras or grand gestures.

Instead, a stream-lined focus on solidifying our emuna, loving our fellow Jews, Shabbat observance, saying Shema Yisrael and Aleinu L’Shabayach, and doing it all with joy were his recommendations.

“When we say Shema Yisrael and we are unified,
there is no need to worry about another Holocaust.”

-Rebbe Menachem Mendel Taub ztz”l

For more, please see this article: Kaliver Rebbe: “Each day is its own Yom HaShoah.”

(His emphasis on saying Aleinu L’Shabayach was in another article, but he did emphasize its importance, so it’s included here in the above list.)

The 4 Guidelines of a Hidden Tzaddik

The hidden tzaddik, Rabbi Yehuda Zev Leibowitz ztz”l, recommended the following 4 major guidelines to focus on as we approach Redemption:

1. Help Others
2. Be Merciful
3. Give In & Let It Go
4. And the main point: Not to Yell

(For a more detailed elucidation of these guidelines, please see Remembering Rabbi Yehuda Zev)

Chabad Path to Salvation

The last Lubavitcher Rebbe is famous for his mivtzo'im (mitzvah campaigns).

While he of course personally upheld and encouraged solid adherence to halacha down to the last detail, he had Jews shine extra focus on mitzvot like:

Hadlikat Nerot shel Shabbat (lighting candles on time in honor of Shabbat)
Tefillin
Mezuzah
Torah Study
Tzedakah (donating your money to worthy Jewish causes)
Furnishing Your Home with Sifrei Kodesh (and even then, he focused on the minimum of a Chumash/5 books of Moses, Tehillim/Psalms, and a siddur/a solidly Orthodox prayer book)
Keeping Kosher
V’ahavta L’re’echa Kamocha—Loving to Your Fellow Jew like Yourself
Children’s education
Taharat Hamishpacha (the Laws of Family Purity)

And it imbues a really strong focus you can still see today.

For example, I personally know guys who are either secular or somewhat off the derech, but are makpid to at least put on tefillin—even during the most pressured morning—simply because of this emphasis of Chabad.

Yes, they should be upholding all the mitzvot, but this one adherence means they still bring Hashem into their lives on a daily basis and it can be the springboard for them to return to full mitzvah observance.

These 10 biggies weren’t the Rebbe's only mivtzo’im.

As is commonly seen, he made a big deal about having lots of children, Chanukah lighting, and a Lag B’Omer Parade.

On an individual level, Lubavitcher Chassidim need to learn a portion each day of:

Chumash
Tehillim
Tanya

This is excellent because it means that a Jew connects with the parsha on a daily basis, makes a personal davening that sweetens din, and gets a daily dose of mussar and other deep stuff.

But even what’s mentioned here weren’t the only mivtzoim. For more, please see Chabad Mitzvah Campaigns.

It sounds like a lot, and it is a lot, but they weren't introduced all at the same time, and there are 613 mitzvot to perfect. So these were a way to focus (which leads to upholding the rest).

Breslover Baby Steps

Rebbe Nachman of Breslov opposed unnecessary chumras and focused on speaking with Hashem in your own language an hour a day, plus maintaining a state of joy and resisting a state of fear.

Of course he himself was dedicated to every mitzvah and encouraged full mitzvah observance for every Jew, but again, the big Sages understood that people need focus.

You can’t swallow everything in one gulp.

One of the Brelovers from generations past, Rav Yankel Zhitomer (spelled "Zatamer" in the English translation of Words of Faith), spring-boarded the complete teshuvah of a hitman-for-hire (!) by suggesting that he start putting on tefillin.

Rav Yankel Zhitomer didn't even request that the lapsed Jew stop killing people or stop stealing! Like, "Hey, Moshe, why don't you start with the 10 Commandments?"

Baby steps: First, tefillin.

And this led to a complete turnaround in which this former hitman ended up regularly risking his life for Torah and mitzvot, and to help other Jews, including bringing life into the world and preserving life (he gave lots of tzedakah).

The Breslovers stated that his repentance was like coming back from the dead.

(Just to give you an idea of how low he'd fallen, the band Moshe joined was so fearsome that when the evil Communists took over, people were relieved that this band had less power — life actually improved! That's how bad this particular gang was — and Moshe was a part of them.)

And his complete teshuvah all started with tefillin.

(Actually, it really started with him coming to shul ONLY for kaddish for his father; he didn't even stay for the whole davening. Then Rav Yankel Zhitomer approached him as he tried to make his dash out.)

For more on this story, please see:
The True Story of How a Murderer did Teshuvah

For a woman very discouraged by years of infertility, Rav Shalom Arush recommended that she write down a gratitude list of 20 things—included the nisayon of infertility—with the intention that this would enable her to have children.

I was shocked that he didn’t recommend at least 5 minutes of hitbodedut.

But I guess he knew whom he was dealing with.

For some people trapped in a certain mindset, even the minute it takes to list 20 things can seem overwhelming.

Are You Crushed Under a Load of Rocks or Dancing with a Sack of Diamonds?

In order to give GOOD advice, it’s necessary to understand what level a person is at and what step they need to take to bump themselves up a bit.

People get discouraged by too heavy a burden.

"Mentors" who insist that you jump very high through very convoluted hoops while juggling bowling balls—and to do this consistently—are probably not Gadolim.

They might be very well-intended and they might perform a lot of great acts themselves.

But the question is whether you should listen to them.

If their advice and proclamations contradict the above recommendations of real Gadolim (or if their advice goes far out beyond what the above focused on), then you should find out what the real Gadolim advise and emphasize.

Why?

Because Judaism is a sack of diamonds, not a sack of stones.

And a sack of diamonds is much easier to carry with a happy heart than a sack of stones.

Focus and take baby steps.

That’s the way to save both yourself and the world.

May we all succeed in completing our tikkun in this gilgul in a sweet way without nisayon or bizayon.

For a related post, please see:
Judaism's Secret: Achieve the Glorious Maximum by Doing the Bare Minimum

Keep it up one baby step at a time! (In other words, be like the baby and not like the teddy bear of leisure.)

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Striving to be a Man When There are No Longer Any "Men"

"Even if chalilah v'chas you are wicked — don't remain alone... Do not look at yourself as wicked. Then the end will be good — it will certainly be good."

Going Back in Time for Some Personal Anecdotes

An Example of Truly Helpful Therapy for 1 Specific Issue

Lots of Money & Time with Very Little Benefit

Happier People aren't Necessarily Better People

Physical Abuse? Cured! Emotional Neglect? Well...

Who is the Focus?

Uh-Oh...I'm Even Worse Than I Thought!

Conclusion

Why the Heck is This Uplifting?

Why on Earth Do We Beg Hashem to Grant Tzaddikim a Good Reward?

"I have sunk in a whirlpool & there is no place to stand..."-Tehillim/Psalm 69:3

How to Win the Massively Unfair Fight between You & the Giant Muddy Whirlpool

"Know this: Whatever state a person might be in, when he wages constant war — the main thing is who wins in the end, who shoots the last bullet..."-Rav Levi Yitzchak BenderWords of Faith Vol. I, pg. 404

The Mud Parable

And the Winner is...The Exhausted Muddy Person Still Sunk in the Bog, But Who at Least has ONE Foot OUT!

When 5+5 equals 1 in 10,000

The Inspiring Story of Dovid Heisener

How to Transform Your Life with Rebbetzin Kanievsky's Advice

Climbing Mountains One Step at a Time

Rav Avigdor Miller's 10 Steps to Greatness

Stream-Lined Advice from the Kaliver Rebbe

“When we say Shema Yisrael and we are unified,there is no need to worry about another Holocaust.”-Rebbe Menachem Mendel Taub ztz”l

The 4 Guidelines of a Hidden Tzaddik

Chabad Path to Salvation

Breslover Baby Steps

Are You Crushed Under a Load of Rocks or Dancing with a Sack of Diamonds?

Myrtle Rising

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Copyright Notice

"I have sunk in a whirlpool & there is no place to stand..."

-Tehillim/Psalm 69:3

"Know this: Whatever state a person might be in, when he wages constant war — the main thing is who wins in the end, who shoots the last bullet..."

-Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender
Words of Faith Vol. I, pg. 404

“When we say Shema Yisrael and we are unified,
there is no need to worry about another Holocaust.”

-Rebbe Menachem Mendel Taub ztz”l