Category: Rav L.Y. Bender

A Secretly Fragmented "Family" - All because of Lashon Hara?

11/12/2018

I once got to know a certain community that prided itself on its close-knit support.

“Our children know they’ve got extended family through our community,” they explained. “All the adults are known as their aunts and uncles. We always pitch in for each other’s simchas and crises.”

Whether a family experienced sickness, birth, divorce, moving, or any other life upheaval, they received the full support of the community. And it really was heartwarming to see how they would pitch in to help—and give real help—without even being asked.

Many were committed to a kollel lifestyle—or at least a partial kollel lifestyle. Many didn’t have a computer or if they did, it really was for work and the children had no access to it.

So it was a community with a serious commitment to Torah and chessed. Very nice!

The Snake Slithering through Gan Eden

But I admit I was uncomfortable with the way they talked about each other. Very warm and accepting, you pretty quickly got an earful of what was going on with different members of the oh-so familial community.

Furthermore, they weren't always so nice to each other or talk about each other's kids so nicely.

For example, one of the teenagers clearly suffered some form of mental retardation. And she was a nice and friendly person too.

Yet the other girls her age responded stiffly or rudely to her when she approached them to chat. And the minute her back was turned, they doubled over with repressed laughter, their hands clutched over their mouths and exchanging looks with each other that clearly said, Omigosh—such a freak! Right?

Of course, people can be very uncomfortable around those with special needs. It’s pretty normal to be stiff or awkward when you aren’t used to them.

But these girls had all grown up together and were family, right? Also, you’d think their parents had spoken to them over the years about how to behave with this very nice yet mentally challenged girl.

Yet they didn’t seem to know how to behave and they didn’t seem very compassionate either. Where was the unity and warmth?

And yes, I realize that people like to dismiss such behavior as “Teenagers!” But I’ve seen so many teenage girls behave with sensitivity and refinement in so many different situations to know the difference between youth and a display of poor middot.

Anyway, there were several things like that. That’s just one example.

We are (a Fragmented) Family

But what really took me by surprise was the divorce rate in this seemingly lovey-dovey community. Some couples divorced early on in the marriage, but others got fed up after 12-20 years of marriage and 5-7 children.

What a strange thing to happen when there is such much support and so much “We are family!” feeling...

Some people who noticed this high divorce rate remarked that the community didn’t have a firm hashkafah and therefore lacked the stability a firm hashkafah gives. And that can be true. And the rav to whom they were wholeheartedly committed lived in a faraway city, so he wasn't right there with them, which can be a problem.

But to this extent?

No, it didn't make sense that hashkafah or the rav's location were the major factors in the high rate of shalom bayis issues.

What came out over time was how involved they were in each other’s personal lives. They knew so much of each other’s marriages. Open discussions took place with each spouse facing an entire community of shalom bayit advisers.

This is a problem because the halachot of lashon hara do not allow this at all.

Both spouses openly discussed their issues with—well, everybody.

So everyone knew all the dirt on everyone else.

And some of the couples were getting divorced over problems that were indeed problems, but not the kind of thing you’d necessarily get divorced over. And not problematic enough to divorce in your son’s bar mitzvah year (as happened in one case).

Revenge & Abandonment

The other thing was the antagonism of the divorcing wives toward their husbands.

It was like there was all this repressed resentment and anger suddenly bubbling to the surface.

By the way, I’ve known women who’ve gotten divorced from verbally or emotionally abusive husbands and these women just want him OUT. They never want to see, speak, or deal with him again.

That’s normal, as far as I can tell.

And in this community, many of the women were very angry at their husbands. And yes, some for good reason.

But one even developed an elaborate plan of how she was going to torment her husband via the court system after their divorce. She wanted to milk him for all he was worth—which puzzled everyone else because he’d been in kollel the entire time and had no money of his own. So what was she trying to do? It was obviously pure animosity on her part because there was nothing there to milk.

Yet that elaborate plan of vengeance didn't seem like a normal reaction. Like I said, most suffering wives want him out of their lives; they don't want to keep up after him with all sorts of nasty plots.

Also, while she had a lot to complain about him, he didn’t have much to complain about her. In fact, he even justified her complaints about him. (He wasn’t very communicative within the marriage.) But admitted that he wasn’t sure how to be more communicative with his wife. He said that he just froze up when dealing with her—something he didn’t do with other people and he honestly didn’t know why nor how to solve the problem.

Fortunately, Hashem put a stop to the wife’s plans for revenge by causing her to remarry within months after the divorce and then having that marriage go on the rocks, which between that and dealing with her kids and the stepkids, absorbed her too much to carry out revenge.

Her ex-husband kept quietly about his business and within a year, was remarried to a very nice divorcee with her own home, several young children, her ex-husband totally out of the picture—a very nice woman who wanted nothing more than to support a husband in learning.

And she was fine with the fact that he was quiet as long as he was nice (which he was).

Other women just picked up the kids and went back to Europe or North America, stranding their Israeli husband as an older and suddenly childless bachelor.

In one case, I think he deserved to be abandoned because he’d consistently made poor decisions to the detriment of their children (among other stuff)—and he refused to improve.

But in another case, it seemed more vindictive--especially when she came back after a few years to dump the child on the ex-husband and go back to her life (and new marriage) in chutz l'Aretz. (Fortunately, the ex-husband was very happy to have his child back in his life again, even though the adjustment was a challenge.)

So you had avenging or abandoning wives in situations that didn't seem to really call for such measures. (Although like I said, it seems that at least one husband deserved to be abandoned.)

What are the Real Laws of Love & Honor?

But the point is that this community perceives itself as oh-so close and supportive.

Yet just under the surface, there are a lot of shalom bayit problems. (And not all those suffering unhappy marriages get divorced.)

So the community has support and unity (at least on the surface), but the actual married couples don't?

Weird.

I can’t help thinking that with all the emphasis halacha places on respecting one’s spouse and not exposing the flaws of family members—especially family members that halacha obligates us to honor, such as parents, parents-in-law, and our spouse—that this well-meaning community is blocking itself from blessing.

We know that refraining from lashon hara earns us unimaginable light in worlds we cannot see. But we also know that indulging in lashon hara brings about the opposite: terrible din.

It was really the Pele Yoetz that brought the severity of this to my attention.

Despite modern society’s penchant for joking around about one’s husband or wife or in-laws, the Pele Yoetz strongly opposes any kind of negative comment about people you’re commanded to honor.

Today, it’s amazing how much dirt people spill about their spouse while chalking it up to “normal” masculine or feminine behavior—as if that makes exposing it okay.

People do the same about their in-laws—again, downplaying their lashon hara as talking generally about normal tensions with in-laws.

But the Pele Yoetz exhorts us to do the opposite.

He says we should davka cover up the flaws of our spouses and in-laws (both parents-in-law and children-in-law) and praise them to others.

Why? Not because we are big fake liars, but because that is the proper thing to do according to him.

Let’s look at what other truly great people say about all this:

Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender explains in Words of Faith, page 376 (emphasis mine):

"Meaning that the tikkun of sin is only through confessing before Hashem Yisbarach or the true Tzaddik. For few are those who are able to hear confess without it causing the confessor to be discouraged."

This means there is no tikkun in talking about your problems to others. Yes, it's permissible at times. But if you want to actually be fixed, you need to turn to the Original Source of your flaws and problems.

Rav Bender further advises (page 373):

"Know this: To join a friend in personal matters, especially in sins and iniquities, does much damage."

That's for the listener. Unless there's a real halachic to'elet (beneficial purpose) to listening, hearing out another's personal stuff and flaws "does real damage."

And then on page 376, he cautions listeners against "digging after mistakes, even if you mean well." He advises such well-intentioned listeners:

"In practice: Do not desire to know another's personal matters for it is only the work of the yetzer and his seductions. And it is the complete opposite of why friends bond."

Oho!

And in a nutshell, that explains why this seemingly close-knit community wasn’t actually close at all: “…it is the complete opposite of why friends bond” and "the work of the yetzer."

Oops!

In efforts to help each other and figure out what people needed to do to improve their situations, they ended up joining "a friend in personal matters" and "digging after mistakes."

And this is a very easy mistake for a well-meaning & compassionate person to make.

How would we know without Rav Bender to lay it out for us?

On page 4 of The Laws of Interpersonal Relationships: Practical Applications in Business, Home, and Society, Rav Ehrman elucidates the mitzvah to love one’s fellow by the following principles (culled from the Ramban, Shaar Hatevunah, Shemirat Halashon, and the Gemara)

Speak only in a positive manner about others.
Show the same concern for their honor as your own.
Camouflage their flaws in same way you’d want them to camouflage your own flaws.
Be as protective of their money and property as you are of your own.
Assist them to the best of your ability (emotional, financial, and physical support whether large or small)
Try to diffuse a person’s anger at another.

Dissecting your spouse’s flaws with an entire community (or inserting them into casual conversation with friends or relatives) obviously violates the above precepts, especially the first three.

Having said all that, if your spouse is awful in some way and you need outside help, then halacha allows you to get it. Just as one example: The Pele Yoetz praised as “a great mitzvah” the act of assisting a Jewish woman married to a “snake” to get divorced if she wanted.

It’s admittedly to difficult to observe the above principles because our society deems acceptable the mentioning the flaws of people we’re obligated to honor and love—as long as we do it humorously or we hide behind the veneer of gender stereotypes or in-law stereotypes.

Look, I didn’t know it either until I read the above books.

Live and learn, eh?

So hopefully, we’ll all keep learning and improving—and be the kinds of Jews defined by Chazal and not by society.

Me, too.

May we all succeed in living up to the dictates of the Torah.

Related Posts:
The Real Purpose of a Home & Family
The Best Marriage Counseling: Tefillah, Teshuvah, and Tzedakah
The Pele Yoetz on Family Relationships: When Honesty Stops being a Virtue, Part II

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More Tips on How to Recognize a Real Gadol

3/12/2018

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How can we know who the great rabbanim are?

And at a superficial glance, what sets gadolim apart from the rest of us?

In Recognizing a Gadol Hador, Rav Avigdor Miller gives basic pointers:

See who other gedolim are calling a gadol.
Do great rabbanim from outside his group consider him a gadol?

In another lecture (the Q&A of Chanukah: Hyrcanus’s Downfall), Rav Miller adds 3 more:

A gadol doesn’t go on TV
A gadol doesn’t go by names like “Alfred” or “Norman.”
A gadol is better at thinking then speaking.

Needless to say, gadolim appear in video clips—the Lubavitcher Rebbe in particular—which can theoretically make their way to TV—or worse. Yet Rav Miller clearly considers the Lubavitcher Rebbe a great talmid chacham and Torah leader. So I guess the answer is that "going on TV” is different than when others film you as you simply go about your business of serving Hashem and tending to Am Yisrael. I think there's also a difference when you pursue the TV shows and when you're just doing your Torah stuff and that gets on TV without you even thinking in that direction or wanting to publicize yourself. Rav Miller made the point that appearing on TV means being squeezed between forbidden programming. People tune in to watch you, but they end up getting all the forbidden stuff too. This is different than if people watch a CD of just you, etc. Rav Miller himself did not allow people to make his lectures available on the Internet and they only became available online after his passing. (Please see Rav Avigdor Miller on the Internet for that source.)

Also, in that same Q&A, Rav Avigdor Miller states:

"S'micha [rabbinical ordination] is very far from being a gadol."

It's really important to know this.

It doesn't mean we start lambasting rabbis (or any other people) and dissecting their character to bits. But people need to know that smicha is about academic ability.

Spiritual greatness is something else.

Gadolim & Personality Types

Sometimes, differences in personality types confuse people.

Character refinement doesn’t produce clones.

Outgoing extroverted talmidei chachamim remain outgoing and extroverted.

Introverted talmidei chachamim remain introverted.

Yes, they’re able to stretch themselves past their innate nature when necessary, but someone with great physical energy and extroversion (like the Lubavitcher Rebbe) will channel his spiritual greatness through that.

Other great talmidei chachamim possess incredible mental energy. They’re known for their hasmadah and their ability to remain awake for most of the day immersed in a Gemara. But they don’t physically move around much.

Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach was known for his smile, in addition to his exceptional character and vast Torah knowledge.

Rav Aryeh Levine is one of the most beloved tzaddikim in the past century. Stories of his outreach to Jews on all levels, his profound love and warmth, and his humility often overshadow the tremendous Torah scholarship he also possessed. In conjunction with his dedication to Torah study, Rav Aryeh Levine was tremendously active at the community level.

In addition to their vast Torah knowledge and untiring dedication to Am Yisrael, Rav Meir Shapiro and Rav Avigdor Miller were also known for their wit and humor.

For many gadolim, their speech is short and to-the-point. Such speech can be softened if the gadol possesses a very warm personality, but others are more serious by nature and can come off with more curtness.

So we see that our great rabbis come in a variety of flavors.

This is no surprise because our founders—Avraham, Yitzchak, Yaakov, Sara, Rivka, Rachel, and Leah—all possessed different personalities from one another. Some were even opposites and served Hashem in very different ways (like Avraham Avinu and Yitzchak Avinu, for example.)

Your personal preference (and soul-needs) pull you toward one type or another, but it doesn’t mean that a contrasting type is a lesser person than the gadol you’re most pulled toward.

Straight-Shootin' Humility

Real gadolim are humble.

Certainly, they can also be fiery and strong as iron when necessary—but all for the sake of Hashem, not their ego.

Rabbi Wallerstein offers an amusing example of this when describing his interaction with Rav Shteinman. (Please see Rav Shteinman: My Personal Experience.) Rav Steinman was stern with him at the outset (partway through the clip)—but the reason why became clear later at a follow-up meeting.

And this is in line with what was written in an earlier post, that some great rabbanim behaved in strange or unusually stern ways, but those with ruach hakodesh have good reason for doing so. They choose to do so; it's not coming from bad middot.

When people enthused over Rav Shteinman’s ruach hakodesh after he knew a Jew lacked a kosher brit mila just by looking at his face, Rav Kanievsky commented that you don’t need ruach kodesh to see such a thing on someone’s face—but added that aside from that, Rav Steinman indeed possessed ruach hakodesh. So if Rav Shteinman was unusually stern, he had a good reason for it.

Anyway, back to humility...

Rav Chaim Pinchas Scheinberg used to wash dishes in the evening. In his great compassion for his hard-working wife, he set up an open Gemara near the sink and got to work—and he wasn’t embarrassed to admit it. He also used to credit his long life (he passed away at the age of 101) to the fact that his mother nursed him until he was 2. What about his great mesirut nefesh to Torah? Nope, he doesn’t credit himself at all.

For more on Rav Scheinberg, please see Living for Others.

P.S. I remember seeing Rav Scheinberg when Rebbetzin Scheinberg was sitting in her wheelchair next to him, both of them in their nineties. She was on oxygen or something and she was giggling away like a young kallah while Rav Scheinberg beamed with sheer bliss just being in her presence. It may sound strange to say this about such chashuv people, but I remember thinking they were such a cute couple.

There’s a heartwarming video of Rav Ovadia Yosef and Rav Scheinberg sitting together. Rav Ovadia is hunched over to keep his head lower than Rav Scheinberg’s head. Rav Ovadia is crying and asking Rav Scheinberg what to do about his many sins. Rav Scheinberg thinks this over and then starts crying too. So we have two great rabbanim crying over their “sins.”

Compare this to narcissists who, when confronted with even the smallest wrongdoing on their part, go wide-eyed and huff, “I can’t even imagine what you’re talking about! Who, me? How could you even think such a thing about ME?”

When a man reprimanded the Chazon Ish for not saying enough Tehillim (he didn’t realize it was the Chazon Ish), the Chazon Ish simply took it as a sign from Hashem that Hashem wanted him to say more Tehillim without taking any offense.

It used to be that you could go to Bnei Brak and learn with or speak in learning with Rav Shteinman and Rav Kanievsky. My husband used to do this every 3 weeks for a year. He said they were always very nice. Wouldn’t such knowledgeable rabbanim find this annoying? I guess not! Once, my husband witnessed how a tactless young man started needling Rav Kanievsky about something his late father, the Steipler Gaon, had said—the tactless young man thought he’d found a contradiction in the Steipler’s words.

But despite the gross insensitivity (and chutzpah), Rav Kanievsky merely responded in a very soft & pained voice, “What do you want from me? My father! My father!”

People who went to Rav Bentzion Abba Shaul comment on his warmth and friendliness.

The Lubavitcher Rebbe regularly stood for hours interacting with Jews (and non-Jews) of every stripe, his concern for each Jew obvious. He wore a warm smile and an affectionate twinkle in his eye as he handed out advice, blessings, and dollars. Only a truly humble person could consistently relate to so many different kinds of people with such kindness.

Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender displayed astounding humility throughout his ordeals in life. Here's one example: As he hid in the basement of a wealthy Jew in order to hear borchu, kaddish, and the Torah reading from the minyan upstairs, the wealthy Jew unthinkingly sent of the congregants down to the basement to get the sefer Torah. This exposed Rav Bender, who was one of the KGB's most-wanted at that time. Indeed, the poor Jew freaked out upon seeing Rav Bender and fled the house along with the rest of the minyan.

And what was Rav Bender's description of the calamity?:
"...I understood that I had made a bitter mistake. Why had I not warned the host to come himself and take the sefer Torah, and not send one of his people to do it?"

He blames himself! The host was well-aware of the danger to everyone in hosting Rav Bender—why would anyone think there's any need to remind the host to get the sefer Torah himself?

Rav Bender achieved great things and merited amazing miracles. Yet when asked about his greatest accomplishment, he's reputed to have answered: "I lived 30 years in Russia, and I still believe in God!"

Even when Rav Shteinman approached 100, he still feared the judgement of Yom Kippur, he worried he'd overlooked certain middot and deeds that Heaven would judge him for. (For one story of this, please see TSA.)

When Rav Eliezer Papo (author of the Pele Yoetz) agreed to take on the decree of fatal plague to spare his community, he spent his last weeks confessing and doing teshuvah. Confessing to what? Teshuvah on what? He was a tremendous tzaddik! What sins could he have had? And anyway, isn't dying of the plague for the sake of your brothers and sisters atonement enough? No, I guess it wasn't. This is the awesome humility & sincerity of a real gadol.

Rebbetzin Batsheva Kanievsky was also known for her sisterly warmth toward her throngs of admirers and those seeking her blessing. You could see women who’d visited her would be glowing and their faces light up every time they recall their meeting with her. She had the power to make people feel good—no ego on her part.

You can read more about the humility of Rav Shteinman and Rav Finkel in these posts:

Rav Avigdor Miller’s words remain with us due to his permission to let his lectures be taped. But to whom does he credit? Mr. Shelby! It was Rav Miller who needed to be there, prepare the lecture, then undergo the strain of answering questions from every direction. But he only ever credits the people who asked for the shiur and who made the recordings.

(By the way, I’m also personally grateful to Mr. Shelby—and everyone else involved—for organizing the class and the recordings. And I’m grateful to those involved in transcribing his lectures into books and online articles.)

Also, when Rav Miller expressed his regret at the Torah he was missing while attending a grandchild’s wedding, another guest asked him if it wasn’t a joyous thing to attend a grandchild’s wedding? Later, Rav Miller thanked the man, revealing that since the man made that comment, Rav Miller was much happier at his grandchildren’s weddings. (It takes a certain humility to accept correction from a regular person and to even thank them for it later.)

Here are some samples Rav Miller's straightfoward humility:

A Random Selection of Short Q&A’s [#2]
Q:
Why did Yosef demand that all the Mitzraim get a bris milah in order to be fed during the famine?
A:
I’m going to leave that unanswered for the time being. That ma’amar has to be studied by me.
TAPE #E-212

Rav Avigdor Miller: Random Q&As
Q:
How would a bochur today go about acquiring the amount of secular knowledge that you have?

A:
And the answer is that I don’t have much. The little bit that I have, I show off and I make a big fuss, a whole fuss about it. But I don’t have much.
(TAPE # 613)

Q:
Who was wiser, Avraham Avinu or Shlomo Hamelech?
A:
And the answer is, I don’t know. If I ever find out I’ll tell you. Shlomo was definitely wiser than the famous wise men that they knew in history. But Avraham Avinu was something different, I cannot tell you. Avraham was such a pioneer that I’m not able to say if he’s included in that. I just don’t know. If you find out, you’ll tell me.

(TAPE # 403)

The Q&A of Chanukah: Hyrcanus’s Downfall

Questioner:
…Now, up until now I personally, outside of perhaps you, Rabbi, I haven't met very many gedolim.

Rav Miller:
I'm not a gadol, very far from it.

Questioner:
Well, I'm very much impressed with your--

Rav Miller:
I'm not a gadol.

Questioner:
Well, I'm very impressed with your delivery--

Rav Miller:
A gadol doesn't have any good delivery. A gadol stammers when he talks. A man who has good delivery is not a gadol. He's a public speaker.

Questioner:
Well, I think you understand the subject matter, I think you have some element of gedulah.

Rav Miller:
I'm a speaker. A gadol can't speak. A gadol can think!

(Just as an aside, the Q&A of Chanukah: Hyrcanus’s Downfall was one of the laugh-aloud funniest things I’ve read in a long time—and very enlightening too. Also, all quotes from Toras Avigdor are used with permission.)

Anyway, there are many more “humble gadolim” examples.

But that's it for now.

Hope this helped.

Related Post:
Which Rabbi Should I Listen To?

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How to Access the Secret Power of Chanukah

2/12/2018

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This is a re-post from last year, but it's message is still a timely reminder every Chanukah.

While everyone knows that Yom Kippur is the big time of atonement and forgiveness (and asking forgiveness after combing through your deeds and motivations, i.e cheshbon hanefesh), many people don't realize that Chanukah also possesses tremendous power for teshuvah and forgiveness.

The Two Most Important Words on Chanukah

During the times of the Beit Hamikdash, the Jewish people benefited from the twice-a-day sacrifices that atoned for their sins.

(At first glance, this sounds superficial, but the Kli Yakar detailed how this worked in Parshat Tzav.)

In Words of Faith, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender stresses that the Jewish soul cannot bear the weight of sin for even a day. Why?

Because the Jewish soul is so ethereal, subtle, delicate, and sacred, explains Rav Bender.

This why a daily cheshbon hanefesh is so essential -- and why it's so essential to confess your sin to Hashem even a moment after you just transgressed whatever you transgressed. (Even though doing so feels really weird. But it's genuinely helpful and the right thing to do.)

Within the Beit Hamikdash, Jews had the Chanukat Habayit ceremony -- Dedication of the House (i.e., the Temple).

So what can we do nowadays with no Beit Hamikdash & no Chanukat Habayit?

Cry out to Hashem: "Slach na -- please forgive!!!"

Rav Bender quotes Rebbe Nachman from Likutei Moharan II:2

"Know! Each one has Chanukah according to what he accomplished in his request on Yom Kippur: 'Please forgive!' "

So we see that Yom Kippur and Chanukah are definitely interlinked.

Furthermore, there is also a hint regarding the month of Kislev (the Hebrew month of Chanukah):
"Vayar Hashem ki sar lirot" (Shemot 3:4)
Hashem saw that he turned to look: He gazed to see what would be at the time of Galut (Exile), the time of "sar"-- rage.

(He explains that sar can also mean "storm" -- and as far as I know "storm" is spelled with an ayin.)

But anyway:

V,K,S,L...Kislev!

Bringing Down the Power of Chanukah

Rebbe Nachman said that Moshe Rabbeinu merited knowing the secret of Chanukah (even though the events of Chanukah took place centuries after Moshe Rabbeinu's passing) by pleading to Hashem, "Please forgive the people's sin..." (Bamidbar 14:19):

סְלַח־נָ֗א לַֽעֲוֹ֛ן הָעָ֥ם הַזֶּ֖ה כְּגֹ֣דֶל חַסְדֶּ֑ךָ וְכַֽאֲשֶׁ֤ר נָשָׂ֨אתָה֙ לָעָ֣ם הַזֶּ֔ה מִמִּצְרַ֖יִם וְעַד־הֵֽנָּה

"Please forgive the iniquity of this nation in accordance with your abounding kindness, as You have borne this people from Egypt until now."

הַזֶּ֖ה כְּגֹ֣דֶל חַסְדֶּ֑ךָ וְכַֽאֲשֶׁ֤ר נָשָׂ֨אתָה֙

ה כ ח ו נ...חנוכה

...hazeh k'godel chasdecha v'ka'asher nasata..."

H,K,CH,V,N...Chanukah!

And we see from the above that this is a definite koach double-wrapped within Chanukah, which exists within Kislev, as hinted in the Torah.

Rav Bender states (Words of Faith, Vol. II, pg. 450):

"The world does not know the secret that, in place of the offerings, [you need to] scream: 'Please forgive!' The secret of Chanukah -- the Chanukas Beit Hamikdash and offerings -- yell, 'Please forgive!' "

And on page 456, he assures us:

"That just through screaming, 'Please forgive!' we can merit that Hakadosh Baruch Hu will answer and atone: 'God said, "I forgive according to your word!" ' " (Bamidbar 14:20)

So this Chanukah, it's very important to take the time to cry out to Hashem:
"SLACH NA -- PLEASE FORGIVE!!!"

And you'll bring down blessing upon yourself and upon the Jewish people with a power that lasts throughout the entire year.

Image courtesy either of the now-defunct Free Bitsela site or Pixabay, can't remember which.

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Which Rabbi Should I Listen To?

15/11/2018

2 Comments

UPDATE: It's very helpful to read this link too:
Rav Avigdor Miller on The Man who Dresses like a Rabbi

I’d like to start off by talking about a negative experience with a rabbi who seemed very big.

But first, I need to give a bit of background:

We all have some kind of sore spot on our nefesh. It’s a place that’s vulnerable to pain, like a severely sunburned patch of skin.

So mine is being treated like I don’t exist.

Also, my husband and I served as rabbi and rebbetzin for a small shul in the US and also as part of a kiruv group in another place, so I saw a lot from the inside as far as rabbis go.

Is That You Talkin' or a Bumble Bee Walkin'?

Anyway, at the beginning of our marriage, my husband and I went to visit a rabbi (with the rabbi’s agreement) and at my husband’s prompting, I asked the rabbi directly, “What nusach should I daven?”

That question was part of the reason why we were there.

I’m Ashkenazi, my husband is Sephardi, and another rabbi told me that some poskim say the wife should take on her husband’s nusach while some say she should stick to her own familiar nusach.

So we went my husband’s rabbi to get a decisive answer.

And the rabbi acted like I hadn’t said anything. He just looked away and didn’t say a word -- not even a grunt.

I felt very embarrassed and confused. Had I said something wrong? Or was he thinking it over? Perhaps he hadn’t understood me with my heavy American accent?

I glanced at my husband, who also seemed taken aback, but after a long and uncomfortable silence, the rabbi started talking to my husband about something else.

I was really confused.

Also, just for knowing, the rabbi would look at me directly (in a modest manner) and address me directly at other times. So it wasn't that he refused to talk to or look me in the face by custom.

At a pause in the conversation, I waited a moment and then politely said something like, “Excuse me, kavod harav, um…I was just interested in knowing what nusach I should daven now?”

He looked at me in an odd way, then turned away and made no response.

So I said, “Um, the thing is I davened Ashkenazi until now, but now I’m supposed to take on Sephardi minhagim…” I faltered because he still made no reply. “So, uh, I heard that some poskim say one way and some say another and, uh, I was just wondering which nusach I should daven?”

He frowned and looked away from me.

Now, instead of feeling mildly confused or a bit taken aback like a normal person might, I felt devastated—because this is my sore spot. I’m way too oversensitive in this area.

At this point, my husband got up the guts to politely re-ask my question and the rav looked at him, frowned, and made this irritated motion with his hands and shoulders.

And my husband immediately raised his palms in surrender, “Okay, sorry, sorry! Never mind. Ah…” And my husband changed the subject.

When we got home, I burst into tears as I asked why the rabbi treated me so. My husband tried to make a joke out of it and quipped that apparently the rabbi wanted to rely on my husband.

“So why didn’t he SAY that?” I cried. "Why did he act like I don't even exist?"

My husband shrugged apologetically. He grew up in a traditional immigrant Moroccan neighborhood in Eretz Yisrael, where respect for people who learned Torah was sacrosanct and he couldn’t bring himself to speak about his rabbi any further.

To compound things (and I'm revealing this with my husband's consent), my husband’s father died very suddenly when my husband was a teenager, and he always missed the closeness they’d shared. So he instinctively sought a father figure in his rabbi.

And this rabbi could be very warm and friendly when they learned or spoke together, and such paternal warmth is what my husband understandably craved—but the rabbi could also be irritable and sharp and prone to short bursts of frightening temper. (I saw it once and it froze me speechless—and all because his wife brought the wrong coffee. Cripes.)

What I didn’t know at the time was that this rabbi has a lion-like temper (which was why my husband got nervous when the rabbi got irritable and why my husband was hesitant to push the rabbi to answer the innocent—and very simple!—shaila).

And as I also saw several times, this rabbi can be very friendly and warm toward people, then treat them with disdain or hostility. (And he did this to me, sometimes acting like I didn’t exist as he did above, or being really nice and then with a paternal smile, plunge his verbal dagger into my nefesh.)

Eventually, we drifted off from him and much to his credit, my husband eventually managed to overcome the very understandable desire for some kind of father figure.

In other words, despite his hasmadah in learning and the tremendous intellectual knowledge he possessed, this rabbi's Torah learning remained stuck in his head only and never managed to fully flow down to his heart.

You could definitely see the influence of Torah on him, but there was still a lot missing.

And some people are like that.

Derech Eretz Kadma L'Torah

For whatever the reason, some people learn tremendous amounts of Torah (sort of like academics like to learn their own weighty tomes and philosophies), but such people never manage to actually INTERNALIZE the Torah they learn. (Or they only internalize a very small percentage of the vast amount of Torah they’ve learned.)

Of course, we’re all flawed and even someone who learns Torah for years can still exhibit flawed middot at times.

Only Hashem is perfect.

But this rabbi's extreme behavior exhibited itself regularly.

And we need to use caution when choosing a rav. Just because someone has a lot of Torah-learning in his background doesn’t mean he is a Torah personality.

For example, when a regular frum Jew asked Rav Avigdor Miller how to deal with a learned rabbi’s lack of derech eretz, Rav Avigdor DIDN’T say, “Gevald! Why aren’t you giving him the benefit of the doubt? Who are you, a lowly regular Yid, to judge such a big talmid chacham?!”

No.

Rav Avigdor knew that rabbis can lack derech eretz. So he recommended that the regular Jew write the rabbi a polite anonymous letter.

Here’s the original Q&A:

Q:
Is it permissible to rebuke a talmid chochom or Rav who doesn’t greet me with a seiver panim yafos and even ignores me when I greet him?
A:
Can you rebuke somebody who is more learned than you, if he has a certain fault?
Yes.
But what you should do is write him an anonymous letter. A polite anonymous letter.
That’s the best way.
And I’ll tell you, that this is a method which, if used properly, can be a very big toi’eles, a very big help, in other situations as well.

TAPE # E-244 (August 2000)

How Can We Know which Rabbi to Follow?

In Going Home…to Yerushalayim, a commenter asks how can we know who to listen to and who not?

It’s an excellent and vitally important question.

So first of all, it’s important to pray for this.

Both Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender (Words of Faith) and Rav Michel Dorfman recommended saying “Utaknenu b’aitzah tovah milfanecha” (said in Maariv and Bedtime Shema) with as much kavanah as you can regarding this issue.

Another thing: If you learn halacha and mussar, it helps a lot in recognizing who you should listen to.

Then you can see whether the rabbi behaves more or less according to, say, Orchot Tzaddikim or not.

In the above example, I’d already learned a bit about the Torah ways of derech eretz and treating people with courtesy and compassion—even if those people aren’t really cool hotshots like yourself [sarc].

So the rabbi's very obvious lack of derech eretz (which I saw on several occasions) combined with the fact that he obviously knew how to behave with derech eretz (as he did so when he wanted to at other times) could have told me that he wasn’t the real deal.

And regarding his bizarre flares of rage?

Well, I’d already learned that Shlomo Hamelech declared in Mishlei that anger rests in the bosom of fools.

And I’d already learned that the Gemara states that anger is like worshiping an idol.

And here’s the Rambam’s Yad Hachazakah, Chapter2, Halacha 3:

“Anger is also an exceptionally bad quality. It is fitting and proper that one move away from it and adopt the opposite extreme.”

So when I saw the rabbi erupt into bursts of short but very intense anger (over nonsense), I could have realized he wasn’t the real deal.

It was confusing at the time because in those days, there was tremendous pressure on baalei teshuvah to find a rav (any rav!) and many stories showcased how blind obedience to a rav reaped a satisfyingly happy ending.

There are also many stories showing rabbis acting oddly and later revealing profound and legitimate reasons for such behavior.

But they were tzaddikim with ruach hakodesh—which is very different than the vast majority of rabbis who most certainly do NOT possess ruach hakodesh or tzidkus. So you needn’t assume your rabbi’s unhalachic behavior is the result of profound holiness.

Anyway, I thought the problem was me and that if I only had enough emunat chachamim, everything would be fine.

(But things didn’t work out and I learned a big lesson: Intellect is NOT the same as wisdom. And we shouldn’t place our emuna on a “walking encyclopedia,” but only on a real true chacham.)

So it’s not easy and it takes some time, but that’s one way to go.

The following pertains specifically to gedolei hador, but it's still good general advice.

This is what Rav Avigdor Miller suggests in Recognizing a Gadol Hador:

See who other gedolim are calling a gadol.
Do great rabbanim from outside his group consider him a gadol?

Courtesy, Not Crony

By the way, we can and certainly should respect all people for the good middot and authentic Torah knowledge they DO possess. Some people are experts on the halachos of tevilat keilim or lashon hara, but lack sensitivity or expertise in other areas.

We should not start gossiping about a rabbi’s—or any person’s—bad traits unless there is a halachically mandated benefit in doing so.

We must always find a good point in every Jew—the more good points, the merrier.

However, on the subject of rabbis, you don’t need FOLLOW them if they aren’t up to par.

If their views conflict with those mentioned in STANDARD halacha and mussar, you DON’T need to follow them.

Yes, you treat them with same courtesy and respect as you do any human being.

But you don't need to follow them.

Their opinions and hashkafahs aren’t kodesh kedoshim—unless that rabbi truly embodies Torah haskafah.

So if they aren’t representing Torah truth (and long gray or white beards with impressive rabbinical attire and rabbinical degrees don’t AUTOMATICALLY determine their level of Torah truth), you don’t need to (and shouldn’t) follow them.

Frum media isn’t perfect either.

Please see:
Rav Avigdor Miller on the Yeshivah & the Sane Asylum

And this connects to what’s happening in both Eretz Yisrael & Chutz L’Aretz today:
Are the Reshaim Endangering Us?

P.S. This post started off with mentioning the problem of a sore oversensitive point. I want to continue discussing how to deal with any point of oversensitiveness. When ignored, it interferes with having a good life and good middot. So more on how to deal with that in an upcoming post…

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4 Tips on Dealing with Unwanted Voices in Your Head

4/11/2018

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Unwanted voices or messages in your head often originate with a person who implanted this voice or message via heartfelt yet misplaced advice.

And this is very individual and fluid.

Someone who is a good influence on one person is an ineffective or even a lousy influence on another person.

Someone who was good for you at one stage of life becomes irrelevant or even detrimental in a different stage of life.

We like a lot of people.

But there are also people we struggle to like.

And it doesn’t mean that the other person is really the problem. Sometimes we see that someone who irritates us within 1 minute of interaction is also the best friend or favorite mentor/teacher/confidant of someone else.

And it’s interesting to see how different people and their failings affect us. For example, you can really like a person and maintain closeness despite some glaring flaws. You can also realize that you need to put some healthy distance between you and someone else while still instinctively retaining a certain fondness and appreciation for that person.

But other people make you want to run in the opposite direction.

And still others plant words or ideas that you struggle to evict from your head. For some reason, a particular person’s voice tunnels into your brain—and it’s not a healthy voice. Their sneering or smirking facial expressions and tone of voice also sometimes pop into your head.

Yet another person might also convey nonsense and wrong ideas, but you’re able to shrug that off.

Maybe you think it’s because of the person’s role of influence or authority. Is the unhealthy voice coming from an older sibling? A parent or parent-in-law? A rabbi? A rebbetzin? A teacher?

That might have something to do with it. But think of how many voices of authority or influence you automatically ignore or dismiss.

No, there’s something about THIS person’s voice that’s sticking in your brain.

Why is that? What’s going on?

Heartfelt Criticism

While I can’t know all the ins and outs of it (I have a feeling it might have to do with some profound and complex soul-root stuff), I sat down with Hashem and followed some advice given by Dr. Miriam Adahan:

Do a Q&A with your dominant writing hand asking the questions and your non-dominant hand writing the answers. (The answer of the non-dominant hand—the left hand if you’re right-handed—will appear in childish scrawl.)

And what came up is this:

It’s as if the person whose unhealthy voice sticks in your head has a virus.

Sometimes, these people also have powerfully positive qualities. They work on themselves & they show a lot of dedication toward Torah and mitzvot.

They also speak from the heart—and their heart isn’t always in the right place.

Sometimes it is. But not always.

With their heart in the wrong place, they can impose the wrong values or ideas on you.

Why?

Because words coming from the heart do indeed enter the heart.

To make things worse: When you tentatively try to question their wrongness or defend your own (and in this case, correct) attitude, they stomp you.

They often do so subtlety, like with a smile, a laugh, a good-natured punch-down, an oh-so innocently baffled approach designed to make you feel like your view has no validity whatsoever, “proof” from their own experience (even though we’re not clones and their experience doesn’t nullify yours), a misunderstood source from Chazal or Tanach, etc.

This is because in their heart, they are convinced that you are flawed in THIS particular way.

You might even feel like they’re hooking their claws into you and not letting you go.

But in addition to heart-to-heart criticism, there's another reason why some viral messages just won't let you go.

Coupling with the Klippah

In Words of Faith Vol II pg. 73, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender states:

“When someone receives advice from another, it is like coupling with him. But the advice that Adam and Chava received from the Snake was like the marriage of klippah.”

(I assume the original word translated as “coupling” is “l’hizdaveg.” Also, Rav Bender brings proof from Beresheit 3:13 that Chava said that the Snake "hishiani"—tricked/enticed me—which is similar to "hisiani": he married me.)

Rav Bender uses this to emphasize the importance of only consulting with tzaddikim (which you can also do through their books and with the Greatest Tzaddik of all: Hakadosh Baruch Hu).

Perhaps this is why criticism can be so devastating. It’s a form of advice that, if given improperly (either too harshly or confusing or it’s just plain wrong), harms the other person.

And it's like creating a zivug with that person -- based on criticism and negativity.

It's all wrong.

Finally, it's worth noting that ya'atznu ra or ya'atznu aitzot ra'ot (we advised evil or we have given bad advice) is one of the transgressions listed in Judaism's official Vidui/Confession. Of all the sins that begin with the 10th letter yud, ya'atznu ra/ya'atznu aitzot ra'ot was chosen.

That's pretty significant, eh?

But getting back to the virus analogy: How does a viral infection work in the world of microbiology?

Dealing with a Virus

Let’s say, you have a perfectly wonderful person. Ordinarily, there’s no problem spending time with that person. On the contrary, it’s actually GOOD to be with that person.

But what if he or she has a virus?

And what if you possess a susceptibility to that virus?

You’re going to benefit from certain aspects of your relationship with that person—but you’ll also get infected by that person.

So you come away from the encounter, maybe even feeling good—but you’re also carrying a new bug (and its accompanying symptoms) that you just can’t shake. So you end up feeling bad too.

Interestingly, this doesn’t occur with ALL people.

Some people infect you with their wonkiness, and some people don’t.

We all have flaws, but we clearly don’t experience everyone else’s flaws as a virus—like a parasite that gets into our brain and doesn’t leave easily.

It's important to realize that the viral voice does not necessarily indicate an awful person. Maybe it does. Or maybe the voice actually belongs to a very good person, but is simply not the right shaliach for you in the place you're holding now.

So this is a pretty individual issue.

And what can you do?

Here are some ideas:

Acknowledge Their Wonderfulness

Yes, this person has such fabulous qualities!

Avoid demonizing them (unless they really are demonic).

Tell Hashem what’s good about this person.

(Noting a person’s good points can secretly bring them to teshuvah.)

Healthy Distance

But at the same time, recognize that just like a wonderful person infected with a virus, you need to strengthen your own immunity and maintain enough distance so as not to get infected yourself (or not to continue getting infected).

Until when?

Until you either develop immunity or their "virus" disappears.

This includes contact that is only oral or written.

Does the person give shiurim? Call you on the phone or leave messages? Does he or she write articles or poems? Emails? Facebook posts? Tweets?

Needless to say, it’s not always possible to do this. Maybe the person lives or works with you. That’s also from Hashem, a nisayon you need to face in order to refine your soul. So you do what you can, knowing that Hashem is in control and guiding you along this particular path.

Digging Down to the Roots

As you're clearing a healthy space for yourself, you also need to figure out why davka THIS person’s unhealthy voice and THOSE particular words or wrong ideas got so entrenched in your head.

Maybe you’ve done/do it to others. (No, this doesn’t mean you’re horrible, For example, maybe you’re really wonderful and generally a great influence on others, but there is one person or maybe a certain type of person that you’ve impacted in a less-than-ideal manner.)

Or maybe you secretly think this way about yourself.

(This is a VERY big reason why the message stays in your head. Rationally, you might know that person’s message for you is all wrong. But subconsciously? What’s really going on? So this should really be explored more deeply.)

It’s definitely worth mulling it over with Hashem.

You can talk it out, do a freewrite or a mind-map.

But there’s a reason why davka this person’s voice and messages are stuck in your brain.

And it’s helpful to figure that out.

Ask Hashem for Help

Tell Hashem you only want HIS Voice and HIS Messages inside you head.

You want His Truth and nothing less.

This is a beautiful thing to ask for and gives Hashem a lot of nachas.

Putting It All Together

To sum it all up:

Viral voices develop from:

Unknowable soul-tikkun issues
Criticism or condemnation given from the heart
The effect of zivug that naturally forms upon receiving advice

How to deal with viral voices:

Treat them like a virus.
Acknowledge the adviser’s good points.
Don’t demonize the adviser (unless he or she really is mostly bad—and some people are).
Maintain your distance (if possible) until the “virus” clears up. (This includes written & oral contact.)
Via writing and/or talking it out, figure out the deep-seated reason why davka THIS person’s voice has infected your brain.
Ask Hashem for help.

May we all merit the influence of Hashem's Truth & may we also merit to be the shaliach of only good advice.

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Some Posts Worth Reading from the Frum Blogosphere

30/9/2018

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Here are some posts from the frum blogosphere worth delving into:

A Sichah From Reb Levi Yitzchok Bender, zatzal
I keep referencing Rav Levi Yitzchok Bender on this blog. Finally, here is a direct translation of one of his talks. It's truly inspiring and he empathetically addresses those times when you feel "dry" about your connection to Hashem and your avodah.

Full of fiery encouragement, a tzaddik's unwavering confidence in your ability to make it (spiritually speaking), and understanding, this talk shows different angles to the idea of "keep on going" even when things feel "dry" or meaningless.

How to Deal with Obnoxious People by Y.Y. Jacobson
(H/T Shirat Devorah)
This is one of the most helpful articles I've ever read on this topic. Why? Because many people like to take quotes from tzaddikim and then use them in a very superficial (and therefore harmful) manner -- especially the idea that seeing a flaw in others indicates a the same flaw in you.

The idea that seeing a flaw in others indicates a flaw in you has been used in such a superficial bibbity-bobbity-boo manner, more as a slap-in-the-face "Shut up" mechanism (usually accompanied by a superior knowing smile).

Being whomped in the eye by another's bad middot COULD mean that you are as bad as they or even that you're worse.

But not necessarily.

As explained in the article, seeing someone exhibit, for example, extreme cruelty does NOT automatically mean you indulge in extreme cruelty too!

Judaism contains much more profundity and complexity than that. When people start using the words of tzaddikim as battering ram-platitudes, it's a sign that you need to take a deeper look into the tzaddik's words and figure out what he REALLY meant.

Remember, tzaddikim always speak from a place of caring and compassion.

If you're not feeling inspired by their words -- or even worse, if you're feeling battered or crushed by their words, then it's time to push their "mouthpiece" aside and delve into what the tzaddikim REALLY meant.

Mishkoltz Rebbe Shlit"a: Geula This Year - If...
Very important words of chizuk and direction. Especially important to read the comment section for further elucidation.

Solid Change Takes Time
Dr. Zev Ballen takes on the issue of a person stopping medication as they're working on emuna, then expands the lesson within to cover all spiritual processes. It's an important read because even though Rav Shalom Arush is generally against medication, everything really is from Hashem and a person stopping her medication before she's ready can cause harm, both to herself and others. (In other words, maybe Hashem doesn't want her to stop her medication yet. And who knows why?)

As someone who is against long-term medication (short-term medication can be okay in some situations) to treat mental illness, this article is an important reminder against being too superficial & indulging in black-and-white thinking. Each person's situation needs to be looked at individually, and not according to one's agendas or while one's mind is in superficial "snap-solution" mode.

Then & Now
I've discovered a tremendous amount of good sense on the blog, My Perspective. Very well-written and concise, it's a hidden gem in the Jewish blogosphere.

The best advice I've gotten has also been from fellow mothers and caring friends. Note that in the 3rd example, the correct advice was not just given by an experienced mother, but by a woman who knew the child well. This is what's missing in most situations of "official capacity" with either therapists or yoetzim (advisers) and exactly what is very hard -- yet so essential -- to have in order to offer the best advice.

Empathy and a real desire to both hear and see the other person (including that person's positive potential) are also essential and can easily be missing in "official capacity."

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The #1 Thing You Can Do to Cancel Negative Decrees

16/9/2018

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Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender lived as a humble tzaddik in the Ukraine despite targeted Communist persecution. Because of their dedication to mitzvah observance, he and Rav Eliyahu Chaim Rosen even spent several weeks in a KGB prison, not knowing until the moment of release whether they would be murdered and discarded in an unknown grave.

In the book of his lectures, Words of Faith, Rav Bender stresses the importance of knowing that your prayers and words of Torah are of tremendous significance to Hashem.

ANY mitzvah or holy act is significant in the eyes of God.

On page 325, Vol I, Rav Bender exhorts you to have faith in yourself, explaining that you must say to yourself and to your yetzer hara:

“Even my actions, however they may be, are significant. Even my prayer is important in the eyes of Hashem Yitbarach.”

He defines this as “ ‘faith in oneself,’ which is imperative to advance in serving Hashem…”

Rav Bender explains the power of speaking to Hashem in your own words in a focused manner:

“If you merit to say words that come from peace of mind—words of hitbodedut between you and your Maker—they are definitely significant. Moreover, they smash through heavens! They are able to nullify decrees.”

(I’m assuming that “peace of mind” is “yishuv hadaas” in the original Yiddish.)

When a person focuses himself to speak out loud to Hashem, Hashem figuratively turns away from all His preoccupations and listens.

And because Hashem turns away from all His “Business” and all the matters “occupying” Him, He is NOT making decrees.

“Automatically, all decrees are nullified.”

So according to Rav Bender, you need to:

Have faith in yourself & the power of your prayers.
Know that your heartfelt words and good deeds (however imperfect they may be) are of tremendous significance.
Clear your mind of other distractions.
Focus your heart & mind toward Hashem.
Speak to Hashem as you'd speak to a close & genuinely caring friend.

Rav Bender emphasizes that this is the far-reaching power of ANYONE who “speaks words before Hashem Yitbarach.”

“But,” he concludes, “you need to know this and believe in it.”

May we all merit to speak words that smash through the heavens & nullify all negative decrees.

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When a Bot Replaces God as Your 4 AM Friend

4/9/2018

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I recently came across a new app in which an AI (artificial intelligence) bot is advertised as "your 4 AM friend!"

Explaining that the app is based on techniques like CBT, DBT, mindfulness, and life coaching, it's promoted as "a fun way to build emotional resilience."

Well, that certainly sounds appealing.

Curious, I tried it out to see how this could possibly work.

(And yes, to be perfectly upfront, this is exactly the kind of distraction warned about in a previous post. Gotta check out that really intriguing new app that I'm not supposed to use and anyway have no intention of using!)

Anyway, you get this friendly little bird icon texting at you very nicely, and after a few introductory lines, it asks you to type in something for which you're grateful.

Very good.

If you download the app, it collects your text messages and creates a type of algorithm so that it can respond to you according to your individual needs.

It's very cute, reassuring, gentle, and friendly -- but it's not real.

It's an AI bot, for crying out loud. There's not even a real person on the other end.

"Nothing can match the privacy of an anonymous conversation with an AI bot," it claims.

Yeah, except that it collects data on you (so as to counsel you better) that anyone can hack into.

Also, there is something that can match and even far surpass the privacy of a not-as-anonymous-as-advertised conversation with an AI bot: a conversation with your Creator when no one else is around to eavesdrop (or collect your personal data).

Claiming the ability to ask probing questions that help you "untangle your mind" and "relax after a hard day," I wondered why you can't do that on your own? I mean, mussar books also ask probing questions.

But even if you don't have access to mussar books, a freewrite or mind-map session would help you untangle your mind and relax.

One user posted the following:
"I am often too anxious to talk to or contact anyone, so having a bot that I can vent to and that offers real constructive advice without feeling like I'm being judged or taking anyone's time is really, really helpful."

See? They KNOW they're interacting with a mere bot, but not only do they not care, they actually PREFER it!

And the thing is...I understand them.

For whatever the reason, even good people who really want to take the time and emotional energy to help others find it hard to do so nowadays. Many people feel like they're struggling to keep their own head above water, let alone offer support to others.

"Some young people young people have actually chosen to use [this AI bot] over a referral to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service...and felt this was all the support they need."

I'm not surprised to hear that a well-programmed bot might be more helpful than a counselor. Even the best-intentioned person has flaws and blind spots. Only a true tzaddik can know your soul in a way that let's them offer you guidance truly tailored for your soul-journey.

But a non-judgmental bot can feel like the next best thing.

The kind of listening most helpful to others -- often referred to as "facilitative listening" -- demands you put your own ego aside and totally focus on the other and what he or she truly needs at the soul level.

It takes a certain amount of humility and genuine care for the other to listen in a way that helps the other figure out what he or she needs to do, without you imposing your own ego or preconceived notions on them.

Yet that's exactly what people need in a listener, according to Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender.

As Rav Bender explains in Words of Faith, it's best to base interactions on the following:

Seek the good points in each other.

Give chizuk (He advises to say something along the lines of: “Chazak—be strong! My brother, be strong! Hold on and do not be discouraged by anything!” This should be said encouragingly and not irritably, of course.)
Happy talk (I think this means to cheer up the other person.)
Encouraging words
Words of Torah
Do good (I think this means that the listener can offer a favor, if he or she is in the position to do so, like a loan or a meal or babysitting, etc.)
Try not to give advice because telling a person what to do takes away their free will.
Allow the necessary exchange of light to occur.

"You are helping me hold on to life. Thank you for everything," wrote one 13-year-old "survivor" in an email to the team that created the bot.

Another teenager uses the app to practice CBT techniques learned in therapy "while watching telly with the family. Everyone just thinks I'm chatting with a friend!"

People are so desperate for the relationship offered by this bot.

And the reason why Hashem is limiting this in people is to draw us toward Him. When there's no other choice, people turn to Hashem.

Except now there's this bot.

But what about the HUMAN-GOD RELATIONSHIP?

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How to Resist the Attraction of "New!" & Why You Really Should

27/8/2018

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Several years ago, I sat in a class given by Rebbetzin Heller in which she made the point that "New!" is a powerful tool to attract people to a certain movement or ideology.

And indeed, inserting the word "New!" is a proven method for prompting a blog post, video, or product to go viral. (Or at least, increase attention or sales.)

In fact, studies show that the 5 most persuasive words in the English language are:

You
Free
Because
Instantly
New

In Rebbe Nachman's arguably most famous story, The Lost Princess, the struggling hero comes across a spring of what seems to be wine.

Now, he'd seen wine before and he'd seen springs before, but he'd never seen a wine-spring.

Ooh, shiny! New! Intriguing!

As it says:

...and he saw a running spring, and its color was red and the smell was of wine. He asked the servant, "Have you seen? This is a spring, and there ought to be water in it, but its color is red and the smell is of wine!"

Our hero (who is actually us) is on a specific mission and he'd even received clear instructions NOT to drink any wine on this last day. He could eat and drink, just not wine.

But the main thing is to avoid sleep at all costs.

So our struggling hero (who is actually us) -- even though he KNEW to listen to the Princess's instructions and warnings because he'd already failed the year before by eating forbidden apples and falling asleep, and even though he KNEW this was just a distraction from his mission, nonetheless -- our struggling hero decides to make an intellectual, objective study of this unusual phenomenon (which has nothing to do with his urgent mission and is of absolutely no benefit to him or the world) and then:

And he went and tasted from the spring and fell and immediately slept for several years...

NOOOOO!

Alas.

As Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender explains in Leviat Chen:

...it's forbidden to become delayed and investigate, but one must hurry because [this part of the story] represents being forbidden to ask and desire and understand because it's impossible to in any way understand everything intellectually – one must only rely on emuna to do what needs to be done.

And here, on the last day, the Princess had commanded him to guard himself and so on. And if so, it was forbidden for him to ask and investigate the matter of the spring, but only to fulfill what was necessary and to go extract her.

For when we investigate a matter, we are possibly trying to explain it away as not being so horrible, and thus we don't completely negate it.

And in this way, we are liable to stumble.

This is so normal and common for people to do. (People struggling with, for example, overeating or drug addiction probably recognize the above pattern.)

So what does Rav Bender advise instead, based on the lessons of this story?

...to flee from the taavot as one flees from fire, without pondering over, marveling at, or inquiring into them at all.
And he shouldn't let his thoughts confound him at all.
...he should just turn his mind away from them completely and steer his mind to divrei Torah or business dealings or conversations and the like until he is rescued from what he wants to be rescued.
And one must be a person of unwavering determination [akshan gadol] until he comes out victorious in this war.

Keep Your Mitzvot Fresh & Lush

As always, Judaism insists on us rising above superficial understanding.

Does the above mean we should go through life as unthinking horses with blinders?

NO.

We can of course ask, desire, investigate, and seek to understand divrei kedushah, things connected with our soul-journey and spiritual work. It's a great mitzvah to delve into Torah and to stretch our minds to understand halacha and to understand what we need to do to achieve self-improvement and rectification.

We should contemplate the best way to help others according to THEIR needs, rather than our own.

We are supposed to develop strategies to avoid lashon hara and use complex thinking to find the good points in others.

We need to brainstorm and work out the best ways to keep our routine mitzvot (like davening and brachot) fresh and new.

But it needs to be focused investigation and seeking, not just indulging our curiosity about everything that comes across our path.

Discover Your Unique Path

In fact, Rebbe Nachman himself emphasized the importance of staying "young" on the inside, of approaching each new day and each new opportunity to do a mitzvah with enthusiasm -- as if it were literally "new."

He also spoke of taking less-traveled paths in avodat Hashem and this is also hinted at in the above story when our struggling hero spots "a path off to the side" and takes it, which fortuitously leads him to the Palace of the Not Good, where he finally finds the Princess for the first time.

Yet this path off to the side IS the avodat Hashem. It's part of one's tikkun (rectification) and the way to access it is only via hitbodedut -- talking to Hashem in your own words using your personal self-expression.

In other words, the path isn't "new," per se; it's unique.

Because Hashem created us all as unique individuals, no human being can have exactly the same relationship with Hashem as anyone else.

Your relationship with Him is unique to anyone else's relationship with Him.

The Old-New Tricks

Yet what does the Yetzer Hara use to reel us in?

"New!"
"Intriguing!"
"Ever tried this before?"
"The newest results of our most recent investigation!" ("Most recent" is just another way of saying "new.")
"Never before attempted!"
"Introducing..." (Implies that it's new because it needs to be "introduced.")
"Instantly!"
"Suddenly..." (It wasn't there a moment ago -- it's new!)
"Revolutionary!"
"Discover!" (You don't discover something already known, only something new.)

The entertainment industry reels us in this way, as does advertising. But so many science articles with all their intellectual grandstanding also reel us in this way too, as you likely recognized from the above examples, some version of which are commonly found in prestigious peer-reviewed science publications.

Barak Obama won his presidency pretty much based on "New!"

"Change" implies something new on the way and also the idea of "America's first black president!" implies something new, although it's a misleading moniker because he is white as much as he is black, being biracial.

But much of what is presented as "New!" is actually the same old stuff, just with a modern twist.

An Age-Old Insight

Our goal is how David Hamelech described tzaddikim millennia ago in Psalm 92:

עוֹד יְנוּבוּן בְּשֵׂיבָה; דְּשֵׁנִים וְרַעֲנַנִּים יִהְיוּ

They shall still bring forth fruit in old age, they shall be full of sap and fresh.

It's a bit hard to convey in the English, but the Hebrew brings forth imagery of lushness and fullness.

Picture a fruit-bearing tree that's eternally young and dripping with sap, its leaves lush and green with moisture, and bursting with juicy fruits.

That's our spiritual goal for ourselves.

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Breaking Down Core Jewish Concepts

24/8/2018

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UPDATE: Upon re-reading this post, I realized it wasn't so clear, so I added more to it late Friday morning (Israel-time), along with correcting some typos. So what follows is the new & improved version...

I'm not Breslov, but I get concerned about how people write off core Jewish concepts as being "Breslov" and therefore considered non-obligatory or not even worth examining.

While I've only read parts of Rebbe Nachman's Likutei Moharan, I've still read a lot of Breslov writings (including parts of Likutei Moharan) and as a non-Breslover, I came to the following conclusion:

Rebbe Nachman basically detailed and fleshed out much of what was already written in previous mussar books and other guidance by Chazal.

He emphasized certain concepts and further elucidated them.

And that seems to be the Breslov tradition: Taking core concepts and breaking them down into more and more digestible bits according to the needs of that particular generation.

Breaking It Down

When embarking on real self-scrutiny for the first time via talking to Hashem, you really can get these intense "Uh-oh" moments about yourself, and much of what Rebbe Nachman says about this phenomenon is very reassuring and encouraging.

Again, he simply takes core Jewish concepts of how self-scrutiny and self-improvement work, the ups and downs, the deceptive pitfalls, then he details them AND how to deal with it all.

All sorts of ideas and principles seem less and less self-understood in each successive generation, so with each successive generation of Breslov, you have a couple of rabbis who break these core ideas and their previous break-downs into even smaller more digestible bites.

For example, a book like Outpouring of the Soul by Reb Alter Teplicker further condenses and elucidates the same concepts mentioned in Torah and Chazal, which were then condensed and expounded upon by Rebbe Nachman. So Outpouring of the Soul is yet another link on that chain.

I remember the first time I read Outpouring of the Soul and a powerful impulse to talk to Hashem welled up within me, but I didn't know what to do with it. I opened my mouth, but I felt like a massive wave of spiritual and emotional pain was behind whatever I would say and I instinctively closed my mouth and got distracted with something else. I didn't mean to, it just happened like that.

Yet I would occasionally go back to the book, feel inspired to speak to Hashem in the way described, but couldn't do it for some reason.

Years later, I read Garden of Emuna, and that changed everything for me. Rav Shalom Arush took the same concepts and both simplified and expanded on them in regular non-scholarly language, practically spoon-feeding them to those who, like me, needed that spoon-feeding.

His book explains the core Jewish concepts with which many struggle in great detail: why bad things happen to good people, why do I feel like I'm being punished for being frum, why do I feel like I'm being punished for doing the right thing, how can I relate to Hashem as Compassionate and Loving when such awful things happen in the world, how can it be reassuring to know that Hashem is behind even the bad stuff -- that's sounds even scarier, so what's up with that?

And so on.

Digestible Emuna

Rav Arush also offered a get-down-to-basics easy-to-follow structure for hitbodedut:

20 minutes of gratitude
20 minutes of self-scrutiny & confession
20 minutes of requests

The truth is, he pares things down even more by telling people to make a list of 20 things for which they're grateful when they feel too emotionally blocked to do anything else.

There's even a book that plucks out the "gems" of Garden of Emuna for a super quick reference.

I'll give you an example of how this chain of increasing elucidation works by using Gate of Joy in Orchot Tzaddikim, (pg. 177 & 213 in the Feldheim translation):

The trait of joy encompasses a positive commandment of acknowledging God's Justice in all that befalls one, as is written (Devarim 8:5): "And you shall know in your heart that just as a man chastises his son, so Hashem your God chastises you."

If after one repents, things do not go so well for him as they did before, it is a positive commandment for him to think in his heart that his adversity is for the good.

For before he repented, the Holy One Blessed Be He was rewarding him for the mitzvot he had done in order to bar him from the World to Come, as it is written (Devarim 7:10): "And He pays those that hate Him to his face to destroy him."

And corresponding to this treatment of those who hate Him, he pays those who love Him the punishment of their transgressions in This World so that they will be pure and clean for the Next World.

And all of this entails the trait of joy, one's being happy in the portion allotted him by the Blessed One.

***
Similarly, when one undergoes any affliction [yissurim], he should also rejoice as our Sages have said...(Taanit 8a) "All who rejoice in afflictions bring salvation to the world."

And one should accustom his mouth to say, "This too is for the good - gam zo l'tovah" (Taanis 21a).

As you can see, the above is exactly what Rav Shalom Arush continuously discusses. In fact, Garden of Emuna goes on at length about the phenomenon mentioned in Orchot Tzaddikim:

If after one repents, things do not go so well for him as they did before, it is a positive commandment for him to think in his heart that his adversity is for the good.

And Rav Arush's emphasis on thanking Hashem for the good as well as the bad, and its power to sweeten dinim?

It's blatantly stated in Orchot Tzaddikim, which derives it from the Gemara (Taanit 8a):

"All who rejoice in afflictions bring salvation to the world."

"Kol hasameach b'yissurim meivi yeshuah l'olam."

"כל המשמח ביסורים מביא ישועה לעולם"

And before that, the Chumash itself.

But because of all the influences and confusion and superficiality and lack of daat in our generation, we need things broken down and explained down to the nitty-gritty.

And if we're willing to accept this spoon-feeding rather than just ignoring it all and dismissing everything as "only for very great people" or "that applied to previous generations, not ours," then that's very good!

For example, the first excerpt above of Orchot Tzaddikim is pretty much all there is on that specific issue. He says what he says there, then goes on to another aspect of joy. Yet reading the above, I'd have some obstructive questions before I could act upon his directives.

Sure, I could've taken that excerpt and discuss it with Hashem to reveal answers to my questions, but I didn't have the presence of mind to realize even this.

So I'm no different than anyone else and without Garden of Emuna, I would not have been able to go back and understand the classic mussar texts.

In his lectures, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender did the same prior to Rav Arush.

Rav Ofer Erez also breaks down core ideas to a more digestible size.

So for me, that's what Breslov does for the non-Breslover.

It's just a way of them holding your hand as you make your way through the thorny, pitted path of teshuvah, self-improvement, and coming closer to Ribbono Shel Olam.

An online Hebrew-English version of Orchot Tzaddikim is available HERE.

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The Snake Slithering through Gan Eden

We are (a Fragmented) Family

Revenge & Abandonment

What are the Real Laws of Love & Honor?

Gadolim & Personality Types

Straight-Shootin' Humility

The Two Most Important Words on Chanukah

Bringing Down the Power of Chanukah

Is That You Talkin' or a Bumble Bee Walkin'?

Derech Eretz Kadma L'Torah

How Can We Know which Rabbi to Follow?

Courtesy, Not Crony

Heartfelt Criticism

Coupling with the Klippah

Dealing with a Virus

Acknowledge Their Wonderfulness

Healthy Distance

Digging Down to the Roots

Ask Hashem for Help

Putting It All Together

Keep Your Mitzvot Fresh & Lush

Discover Your Unique Path

The Old-New Tricks

An Age-Old Insight​

Breaking It Down

Digestible Emuna

Myrtle Rising

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