Category: Rav L.Y. Bender

Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Shemot: The #1 Ultimate Way to Emulate Moshe Rabbeinu

22/12/2021

In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah for Parshas Shemos 5 - Career of Encouragement, we discover one of the greatest traits of Moshe Rabbeinu to emulate: noticing & encouraging others.

Encouragement (chizuk) is one of the aspects Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender stated as the obligation of a friend (Words of Faith):

Encourage your friend with soul-restoring words.
Give good chizuk.
Try to cheer up and uplift your friend.
Provide encouraging words
Seek his or her good points.

This is the authentic Torah approach for dealing with people.

(For more, please see here: www.myrtlerising.com/blog/how-to-really-love-another-person.)

And Moshe Rabbeinu was outstanding in this area.

And we should definitely follow our leader by doing this too.

As Rav Miller states on page 8-9:

Now I want people to listen to that – married couples, families, boys and girls — everybody should listen to this prayerfully because in many homes people are spending their lives doing the opposite.

And that’s a tragedy because the Jewish home is the scene where this great function of encouraging others can be carried out in the best possible way.

There’s no opportunity to be like a Moshe Rabeinu that is as prolific, as fertile in ways of fulfilling this, as the home.

And therefore the principle of encouragement should be one of the foundations of a Jewish home.

***

Now, how exactly the encouragement is administered, everybody must utilize his or her own judgment.

But there is one simple and an easy form, and that's compliments.

It's not enough if you don't bicker, if you don't recriminate and belittle.

Unfortunately that’s done too – it's done all the time in very many homes, and these people are complete failures.

They might be successes in other things, in other forms of avodah, but if people are belittling each other, it means they're doing the opposite of this great career, this great mission of idud, encouragement, which Hakodosh Boruch Hu requires.

And Rav Miller provides us with engaging, practical examples for a variety of situations.

Encouraging a Wife

Pages 8-10:

Every man who marries must keep in mind that it's not enough that he doesn't transgress this in the negative.

It's so easy to gain Olam Habo if a man would make it a principle once in a while to give his wife a compliment.

***
But because he is begrudging in words so life goes by with lost opportunities, lost opportunities to be an eved Hashem.

***
If your wife once cooked a good meal, make it your business to be profuse, to be lavish in your praise.

Other things too — there’s a lot to praise there.

There’s nobody in the world who doesn’t have a craving for encouragement.

And why should a housewife be different?

And so, the Jewish woman who lives successfully in her house – or even not successfully, but she tries – she can be made happy even without any gifts at all.

***
That's what it says in Mishlei when it describes the Woman of Valor. “Her husband and her children arise and praise her enthusiastically.”

Encouraging a Husband

Page 10:

And a woman too, no less, must make it her business always to look for opportunities to drop a word of encouragement to her husband.

Some men when they have some setback and they need consolation they cannot go home and confide in their wives because women sometimes will utilize that to put salt upon his wounds.

But if a woman would learn her role, her role as a confidant, she would become a Moshe Rabeinu.

She has to assume the role of encourager and soothe the things away – to always tell him, “It’s not so bad; you'll forget about it soon.”

“That person didn't mean it the way you thought he meant it,” or “he is wrong and you're right and I know in the end they'll recognize your abilities.”

***
...a wise woman builds up her house [Mishlei/Proverbs] by encouragement and encouragement alone.

And even in those things where there has to be correction, if the husband has to be corrected
and improved, the best way to get results is to give an incentive of encouragement.

If he does something that even looks like what you want him to do, praise him for it, and you'll see that he's going to try his best to do even more.

Encouragement for Children

Page 10-11:

It’s a tremendous mitzvah, a tremendous step to greatness, if you’ll encourage your children.

Children also have burdens; they might not be your burdens but in their own eyes they have very big burdens.

And you can put your shoulder under their heavy packages and lighten their load by encouraging them with kind words.

And children who are encouraged in the home learn better.

They are more neat in their habits. They are cooperative if they are encouraged.

***
...most of the time a glett, a caress, on the cheek is the best option.

A kind glett and words of encouragement can do wonders.

And the children too, among themselves should be reminded to encourage each other.

Of course, usually they’ll look at you like you fell off the moon. “What encourage? We only bicker; we argue and fight.”

But say it anyhow – it goes in, it goes in.

When children are taught to encourage each other, to say compliments to each other, and the parents do it too, then the house becomes a happy place, a place of avodas Hashem.

Encouragement for Students

Page 11:

There are a lot of boys in the yeshivah that would benefit from kind words. So many bochurim could use it.

And so if you're a teacher, look around. Your pupils need encouragement.

There are some who are not getting along well, some are sad, some are broken because of home conditions.

Some have poverty. Some are not well. Some have difficulty keeping up with the studies.

So be a Moshe Rabeinu!

Encouragement for All Kinds of People

Page 11:

Encourage your chaveirim in the yeshiva.

Girls, encourage your friends in the Beis Yaakov.

Not only your friends — there are many who are getting lost; they’re struggling.

You know how much you could accomplish if you would say a few words of encouragement to ease their burden? There’s so much opportunity there.

Your rebbe too. He needs parnasah so make sure not to discourage him.

Honor him and make him feel good.

After the shiur walk over to him and say, “Rebbi, I enjoyed your shiur” – even though you didn’t. It’s a mitzvah to be mi’oded anavim, to encourage the downtrodden.

***
Certainly; even on the street, even on the bus, if you see somebody who is dejected and depressed and you could say a few kind words, there's no question that you have given a big donation.

There isn't a human being who cannot stand a few drops of kindness on his soul – it’s a world where everyone has some problems, some worries and troubles, and every human being appreciates some kind words.

If you put your mind to it, you can always find a few words to say, something to assuage, to soothe, to put some balm on their wounds and to encourage them.

That's the important lesson we're learning from Moshe Rabeinu’s story.

Our job in this world is to leave the comfort of our palace and see what’s doing outside by our brothers, [vayar—and he saw]; and not only to see but to think about what you can say to ease their burdens as much as possible.

And that great attitude, that’s the first step into greatness in this world and the next.

The Power of a Friendly Smile

Pages 13-14:

It could be somebody was passing by dejected.

Let's say he has been trying to find a decent job for a long time.

And meanwhile the young lady with whom he was going out finally told him that it's all off.

And now he doesn't even have carfare to go to the bay – he's thinking of taking a long hike down to the bay and jumping in.

And as he passes by, here's a man. It’s you. You happen to know him and give him a friendly smile.

And now the whole world becomes illuminated with sunlight.

You have no idea what you have done.

You have given him a new hold on life.

Why Smile at Office People & Grouchy People?

Page 14-15:

Don't you know how many times – if you lived a long time, you look back how many times in your career a smile was the turning point.

You know how much courage you get from a smile?

It's really important for us to study this subject, to think about it, because it happens all the time – it's so easy to bestow this happiness on people.

You walk into your office in the morning and you have a bright smile for each person.

You don't just walk through haughtily and ignore everybody and just go to your office.

People think that you don't like them. As you walk through, smile at each person.

And there's no question you'll get a mitzvah. In your own little way, you’re like Moshe Rabeinu.

And:

Now, don’t tell me people are too grouchy.

Look, if somebody is coming toward you with a club, naturally you're not going to encourage him, but if he's passing you with a scowl, you muster enough presence of mind to smile to him.

Like it says in Pirkei Avos hevey mekabel es kol ha’adam besimchah, greet every man with simchah.

Every man means even Mr. Sour Face.

Actually he needs it more than anyone else.

You can bestow happiness in the form of a little sunshine from your face, and that's better than a glass of milk.

People need a lift.

A lot of people are carrying around hurt in their heart and they need this.

It’s a career that will make a man successful in this world.

When You're Smiling, The Borei Olam Smiles at You

Page 15 (boldface mine):

And so, if you'll cause your face to shine upon other people, Hashem will smile on you too.

You hear that? Just think about that when you want to do it.

When you turn on the sunshine and smile at somebody, you have to know that above Hakodosh Boruch Hu is going to turn the sunshine on you.

He'll smile to you too. And when He smiles, all good things come.

Credit for all material, quotes, and any resulting smiles goes to Toras Avigdor.

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Part III: A Personal Story of How to Use the Undesirable Behavior of Others as a Message, How & Why It Works, Plus What to Do & What to Avoid

11/10/2021

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Let's continue with an illustrative story about the idea from the previous posts:

An Imbalance in the Ratio of Positive to Negative

So here's something that happened a while ago:

In general, I'd been working on speaking more positively to my husband & children.

I mean, I always strove to behave with good middot at home, but decided to up my game.

Dealing with young children presents a greater challenge because their not-yet-matured brain demands a certain amount of curbing so they learn to be civilized & also not harm themselves.

So they need to learn tact, manners, plus tons of safety rules.

This makes it hard to be just positive. Also, some children will not listen when you caution them too nicely (like about not darting into the street, or climbing up to play with the saw you put on the shelf all the way up near the ceiling because you thought he wouldn't reach it there, etc.).

Anyway, I made some major adjustments to deal with one child's very complex personality, and enjoyed the positive results.

I felt good about my self-improvement program & kept going with it.

Around that time, my schedule led me to frequent meetings with an old acquaintance as we passed each other out and about.

She always greeted me warmly & often had a good word to say.

Yet sometimes, she called out some helpful advice or constructive criticism about something.

Many times, her advice or criticism was correct.

But after a while, it got tiring.

I didn't always feel like explaining why I was doing something a certain way — even when her way really was better.

Sometimes, I just couldn't manage to do things "right" at that moment (or even that week).

Also, she assumed reasons that weren't always true.

For example, if you pass by someone who looks tired, it could be she needs more sleep.

Or vitamins. Or maybe she just received troubling news or feels depressed.

Maybe it takes her a long time to wake up fully & she's out and about before she's completely awake after a night's sleep or a daytime nap.

So cheerfully calling out to such a person, supportively encouraging her to go to bed earlier could be a good solution for her, but if she's still looking tired for OTHER reasons...then it's not helpful.

Or you tell the well-meaning advice-giver, "Thank you for your concern. I went to bed as early as I could, but the baby was particularly wakeful that night."

And like I said, she's genuinely nice & often responded sympathetically with, "Awww...yeah, that happens sometimes — but you're doing a great job!"

So that's what I mean.

She was very positive & went out of her way to give chizuk to others. She also was very generous with whatever chessed she could do, like giving people really good recommendations or money, and so on.

But at one point, I just felt like I'd rather not see her at all, even though her positive comments really give me a lift.

If I had to have the helpful hints & constructive criticism with all the praise & encouragement, I started feeling like I'd rather have neither.

Here's How to NOT Shoot the Messenger

So this went on for a while despite having already habituated myself to use unpleasant interactions as messages from Hashem.

I procrastinated because of emotional laziness.

But finally, I sat down with Hashem & combed through the pattern.

Basically, the bare-bones description of the interaction came out like this:

Here's a genuinely good & sincerely well-meaning person giving lots of positive feedback — but with constructively intended negative feedback that (though often correct) was really getting to be too much, and NOT outweighed by the positive (even though it was often correct!).

But it was simply too much.

Am I also doing that in some way?

The answer, of course, was...yes!

I realized 2 things:

I still hadn't achieved the best ratio of positive to negative with my youngest child.
The necessary instructive aspect of parenting was too intense; I needed to tone it down.

(Meaning, even if you need a child to be ready on time in the morning or go to bed on time at night — with all the instructions & warnings that entails, depending — it's good to note how stressed you are when doing it. Maybe the emotional intensity needs to be toned down.)

So I thanked Hashem for this message & asked Him to help me carry it out effectively.

And I got to work on myself.

Message Received!

The very next day, I did not see her where I usually passed her.

In fact, several days went by without seeing her.

(I felt both relieved & disappointed — relieved because I was happy not to hear the less positive comments, but disappointed by the sudden absence of the very positive comments.)

After a few days, I saw her from afar, from where she gave me a friendly wave & a big smile.

From then on, we only ran into each other sporadically — and she was almost always positive when we did run into each other.

Isn't that interesting?

It all changed overnight.

At that point, all I'd done was identify the flaw Hashem highlighted & taken upon myself to correct it, and just barely started — and the messenger already changed.

Now, it doesn't always work that fast. But a lot of times it does.

(At the same time, please know that some "messengers" barely improve at all, despite doing your best to glean the message. There are other spiritual reasons for unpleasant interactions & relationships.)

As so often emphasized in Judaism, Hashem does not expect us to be perfect.

He DOES expect us to TRY.

Often, just starting down the right path sweetens things.

Once you've shown you've gotten the message, then you no longer need the messenger.

Either the messenger disappears or changes.

(Again, that's IF the reason for the other's unpleasant behavior was SOLELY to give you a message about your own behavior.)

We All Have Our Blind Spots

Another reason sold me on this method and that's this:

How else could I possibly have realized the change I still needed to make?

After all, many people commented throughout the years that I tend to speak to my children with warmth & positivity.

And I'd just embarked on a new self-improvement program & had already improved in that same area.

My young child responded well to the improvements I'd already made, and his behavior gave no indication of a lack on my part.

Furthermore, I wouldn't have felt any need to consult with anyone because my child's behavior was fine.

Had I been in a chinuch class, I would've felt like I was following the positivity-negativity ratio proscribed by the chinuch pro.

So for all the above reasons, what could possibly indicate I still needed to stretch myself further in this area?

Nothing!

Yet I DID need to step up my game a bit more.

And how else could I possibly come to this conclusion on my own?

I couldn't!

But Hashem saw I could be doing better, so He sent me an encouraging message via this particular messenger.

There was no other way for me to know.

And THAT right there says why this method is vital for any program of self-improvement:

Sometimes, there is no other way to know.

Why Standard Techniques for Dealing with Difficult People Cannot Always Work & This Method Will

Just a short note regarding another point of this method's importance...

Had I used any therapeutic tips for dealing with difficult interactions, it wouldn't have solved the main issue.

For example, had I exhibited the socially encouraged self-esteem & healthy assertiveness and "I" statements by telling her something like, "I appreciate so much your encouragement & concern. But I'm not finding the helpful advice as beneficial as intended. The positive encouragement helps me the most."

Or if I avoided her by taking a different route or just blankly saying "Thank you!" as a brush-off to anything she said...then how would that help when the real issue was something lacking in ME?

The whole reason she behaved this way was because of me — not because of her.

Her behavior was a message from Hashem.

So how would being assertive or avoiding her remedy the situation?

Even if it remedied her behavior, Hashem would just send the same message from somewhere else (and possibly even stronger & more unpleasant).

(Anyway, we saw in Part II how the avoidance technique did not help the woman who needed to stop her hurtful sniping.)

At the same time, sometimes assertiveness or avoidance ARE what Hashem wants you to do!

I don't mean to completely negate those options.

I just believe that looking for Hashem's message should either come first or be part of the response.

Also, if you have a mentor or a therapist, you could do this with them IF they're open to this method.

Sometimes another person can help so much in getting to the bottom of it.

Other times, it's too personal & you need to do it yourself.

So whichever way works for your needs.

Cultivating Yourself Positively & According to Your Real Capabilities

Another point is this:

Hashem knows your ACTUAL capabilities.

He knows where you REALLY could be holding at your present level.

Other people (including experts, professionals, consultants, etc.) can mess you up by pushing you beyond your capabilities OR in a direction all wrong for you (but maybe appropriate for someone else).

They don't mean to; they genuinely want to help. And many of them do genuinely help & aim for sensitivity toward their subject's real level & real needs.

But they aren't perfect, some have burnt out but don't realize it, and some either aren't capable of complex thinking or haven't done enough inner work of their own to help others beyond a certain point.

Sometimes, they can make you feel so bad & hopeless, either because they think that's what you need or they didn't realize their approach would make you feel that way.

And by the way, even if someone really is a bad parent or spouse, it's rarely effective to make them feel bad or hopeless about themselves.

Most dysfunctional people got that way from being toxically shamed, so shaming them further shoves them further into their dysfunction.

(This also includes good people who suffer from some dysfunctional aspect. Their dysfunctional aspect developed from an overdose of shame, so shaming them further either makes that aspect worse or brings only a temporary improvement before they fall back even more deeply into the dysfunctional aspect.)

There is a place for using intense shame, but rarely. It almost always makes things worse, so better safe than sorry.

Anyway, if someone is basically good & well-intended, but really messing up in one aspect — why make them feel like they're awful overall?

So that approach generally proves either untrue or ineffective or destructive — or all three.

And just to be clear: I'm not saying you shouldn't turn to another person for help.

If the person is genuinely helpful, then you SHOULD turn to that person!

If you found a mentor, rabbi, rebbetzin, therapist, friend, or consultant who genuinely helps, then that's a gift from Hashem and He definitely wants you to use it!

So go for it.

But this method (using other's behavior as a message from Hashem) provides an extra angle, plus it's a message from Hashem Himself Who loves you more than anyone else could, and also knows what your true capabilities are...so He will not push you past your level or push you in a direction wrong for you.

The Main Points for Using Other's Undesirable Behavior as a Message to for Your Own Self-Improvement

Just to review:

Using the undesirable behavior of others as a springboard for your own self-scrutiny is often the only way to access certain aspects of self-awareness and thus, self-improvement. So it's pretty valuable.

Seeing undesirable behavior does not ALWAYS mean you do it too (but it's just good to check whether that IS the message).

Self-scrutiny (cheshbon hanefesh) should ONLY be done with LOVE & COMPASSION for yourself.

Self-scrutiny can be grueling & cringe-inducing (especially if you discover something very distasteful), so please view yourself positively—it's wonderful that you're willing to examine your deeds!

During self-scrutiny, please BE NICE to yourself. BE GENTLE.

Avoid thoughts of self-condemnation, self-flagellation, self-loathing, despair, or getting bogged down in unhelpful philosophizing like: "What does this say about it me? Does it mean I'm a really bad person/parent/spouse/child?"

Even if you really are an awful person, viewing yourself as awful will make you worse, not better.

At the very moment you decide to examine yourself, you are no longer bad, but very good & courageous.

Using other's undesirable behavior for self-improvement makes you one in a hundred-million because the vast majority of the world will never even consider doing this—yet you actually do it!

Again, it's important to stay away from the whole "What negative does this say about me in general?"

If you conclude you are a narcissist, an abuser, a psychopath, Erev Rav, or any other wholly negative & hopeless label...then how does that possibly help you?

Even if you ARE any of the above, it doesn't help to see yourself that way overall.

Really.

I emphasize this because so many people think seeing themselves positively is apologist psychobabble and dishonest.

By condemning themselves as a whole, they think they're being honest.

They're NOT.

You comprise a tzelem Elokim, Hashem breathed His qualities into you (Genesis ), and you possess a uniquely human soul unlike any other living thing in the world.

If you're Jewish, you possess a Jewish soul too, which is a pristine & lofty entity.

Just work things one step at time without the wholesale negative labeling.

A Self-Image based on Authentic Torah Hashkafah

Let's leave off with a quote from the Breslov tzaddik Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, who was certainly no apologist or a superficial psychobabbler (emphasis mine):

Even in oneself, see only good points and do not consider yourself wicked — despite the fact that you well know the low place you are in.

How you are filled from head to toe with destructive traits.

Nevertheless, the Rebbe teaches us that one should never negate himself.

Because if someone will cancel out and judge himself to be completely bad, he will not be able to do teshuvah and draw close to Hashem Yisbarach.

By seeing only bad in himself, he closes the way completely.

***

This is part of Hashem's Mercy, that He runs the world with chessed.

He lifts up a person who has only one point of merit and brings him to a very high place...

— Words of Faith, Volume II, pages 286 & 288

Previous parts:

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A Bizarre & Disturbing Story that Demonstrates the Path to Success & Provides Inspiration to Rescue Us from Despair

29/9/2021

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In Words of Faith, Volume I, pages 309-310, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender describes a young man from Poland (identified only by the initials "S.H.") who had everything going for him.

S.H. came from a wealthy family of lineage distinguished by great tzaddikim.

His wedding took place in Russia.

But then something happened.

As Rav Bender described it:

...he was not successful in the match and it did not end up well.

He was someone very sensitive with a great mind and she was not at all compatible for him.

As a byproduct of the match breaking, he had an awful fall from Yiddishkeit.

Because Rav Bender maintains such discretion & refined language, it's not clear exactly what happened back then.

Yes, the destructive nets of the Haskalah & Reform movements reached everyone, including the Jews in Uman—and yes, they sometimes reached an innocent Jew via a secretly corrupted spouse.

Furthermore, some opposition to Breslov specifically also chafed in Uman at that time.

But it's not clear what exactly went wrong with this shidduch or what specifically the girl did that ruined this boy so badly—especially without any Internet—only that it clearly ended in an early divorce.

Rav Bender continued:

It is impossible to describe the change that occurred in that young man.

Even though a heart of fervor for Hashem Yisbarach burned in him, but on the other side of the coin, he was subject to terrible deterioration...

Yikes.

And Rav Bender knew him very well.

In addition to all the good Rav Bender did, he & his family also hosted around 20 guests for Rosh Hashanah in Uman each year.

The guests came from all over & comprised tzaddikim along with other good Jews devoted to Hashem.

(After Rav Bender came to Eretz Yisrael in 1949, he recalled those Rosh Hashanah meals with great fondness, struggling to describe the inspiration & sweetness of the intense spiritual pleasure experienced by everyone there.)

This ruined young man also joined Rav Bender & the special guests.

There, Rav Bender remembers the young man participating in their holy discussions with "words that fired up hearts for Hashem Yisbarach" and "Passionate words that shook all hearts"—everything accompanied by a "fervor and inspiration that is hard to describe."

And yet...

Immediately upon parting from this lofty group & unparalleled spiritual experience, the young man turned into a completely different person the moment he stepped out the back door of Rav Bender's home, leaving Rav Bender musing:

But the great wonder is how one person was composed of two opposite people.

For he only left the back door of the house and he already turned into someone else. Someone in danger each moment, rachmana litzlan...

Rav Bender explained that the young man's soul, pure at its root & preserved among a good family for his whole life, simply could not acclimate to "the dirt that became attached to him."

Nor did the young man ever figure out how to get rid of this "dirt."

So the young man, due to his high level of self-awareness, remained trapped in this terrible conflict raging within.

(And yeah, I still don't understand what his kallah did that caused all this, but the aftershocks clearly had a lot to do with the innate sensitivity of the young man; it seems that, paradoxically, a less sensitive young man could have recovered himself more easily.)

Rav Bender recalled how this young man prostrated himself over the Tsiyun (grave site) of Rebbe Nachman, screaming to Hashem to "take him out of the depths of the klippos that he had fallen into.":

"I'm burning alive!" he cried from the roar of his heart.

"I am burning from what happened to me. I feel as if a fire burns within me. As if a flaming angel stands on my heart and is ready to burn and consume me alive..."

Rav Bender described the young man's intense screams as if hearing someone ready die "just to get out of this harsh battle."

And Rav Bender always believed in the young man's sincerity.

He confirmed how everyone knew how much this young man's heart "burned for his Father in Heaven"—from the side of his yetzer tov.

As Rav Bender stated:

But it was also known how he was in a state of constant dreadful battle.

And in a war, you get hit...

That's a surprisingly astute & sympathetic view on the inner battle very self-aware & highly sensitive people endure.

Rav Bender further described what they witnessed of the young man:

He would prostrate himself on the Tsiyun with such screams and roars:

"Save!!! Ratavit!!! Save, save — I am going to be burned alive — ah!"

And Rav Bender summed it up with:

So that was S.H., whose source was holy and pure from elite lineage, great righteous Rabbis.

The End.

And what an end—Gevald!

The whole saga sounds bizarre to us today.

Actually, I think it was also out of the ordinary for back then too, and probably part of the reason why others sometimes viewed Breslov with wariness—because the Breslover tzaddikim were willing to accept people on any level, and especially if people sincerely struggled to work on themselves, regardless of how often failure occurred.

The Breslovers also displayed a certain acceptance of extreme emotion—as long as it was used in service of Hashem.

For example, if screaming like a raging warrior in the throes of death on the battlefield was what the person needed to do as part of his spiritual inner work, then the Breslov tzaddikim were like, "Well, if that's what it takes...then that's what it takes. To each his own."

What's interesting about all this is how although Rav Bender himself did not relate personally to this level of struggle, he was nonetheless able to accept this young man's level of struggle.

Yes, Rav Bender was certainly familiar with spiritual struggles & the challenge of undesirable middot, but not to the extreme of this young man's struggle.

He described the response of himself & the others who witnessed this young man's raging inner conflict:

Nevertheless, despite the tremendous fall that he went through, they did not look at him with eyes of judgment.

Rather they judged him favorably and did not chalila offend him.

Everyone knew of the strong fire that was raging inside of him and they learned a merit on him.

For this reason, he was left in his Jewishness.

I think the last statement means, despite whatever severe transgressions the young man kept committing, he did not go completely off the derech.

He could easily have severed all connection to Torah—as many did in those days—but instead maintained a connection to Torah & mitzvot by virtue of his connection to the Breslov community & his attempts to do teshuvah.

And the community's ability to give him the benefit of the doubt & refrain from mocking or deriding him allowed him that connection.

When Things aren't What They Seem

There's a few lessons to be gleaned from this anecdote, from the most obvious to the more subtle.

Let's start with a more subtle insight.

Without knowing what exactly transpired to corrupt the young man, a major reason why his fall proved so severe & ultimately irreparable (the young man apparently never managed to rectify himself before the Nazis came) was because of his innate sensitivity & purity.

A less sensitive person may not have fallen so far or so irreparably.

While modern psychology acknowledges the existence of the Highly Sensitive Personality, this label exists without the awareness of sin vs. mitzvah, and morality vs. immorality.

(Furthermore, even within the Highly Sensitive Personality, gradations exist—with some people being highly sensitive and others highly-highly-highly sensitive.)

Modern people probably look at the story above and label the young man as "neurotic" or "OCD" or a whole host of other labels—possibly accompanied by recriminations against the Breslov rabbis for not reassuring the young man or getting him psychological help.

Yet they did not intervene because Rav Bender makes it clear (without going into details) the young man was indeed sinning terribly AND knew it.

The young man came from a strong & knowledgeable Torah background that did not allow him the luxury of deceiving himself.

So from the outside, the young man looks like he's an innately a lowly person—possibly even Erev Rav—and it looks like his fall merely reveals the innate badness that lay hidden within him all along.

But really, his extreme "hypocrisy" & contradiction developed davka BECAUSE of his innate sensitivity & original purity of soul.

This lies in direct contrast to how he appeared on the outside.

Certainly, some people who act out such extreme contradictions reveal a very real & hidden facet of their personality all along.

But not always.

Sometimes, it's the sensitive personality that exhibits the most extreme behavior.

It's the soul whose pristineness suffers severe stains & cannot deal with the stains & filth, agitating against the tumah as one agitates against thorny burrs or a swarm of inescapable hornets.

Even today, experts (both rabbis & mental health workers) understandably struggle to differentiate between an actual mental health issue and the inner struggle of a particularly sensitive person whose level of sensitivity & self-awareness do not allow them the level of complacency found by others.

So that's one lesson.

(It also seems to me the extremity of the young man's fall should be emphasized by who surrounded him. He dwelt among people on the stature of Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, Rav Eliyahu Chaim Rosen, and Rav Avraham Chazan—among other great Jews—plus his own Torah knowledge & strong connection to teshuvah & prayer...yet despite all this support & effort, he never managed to extract himself from his fallen state.)

The Secret to Success is in the Struggle, Not the Outcome

The obvious major lesson here—and apparently Rav Bender's purpose in telling this story—is the value of sincere struggle.

And to emphasize: SINCERE struggle.

The paradoxical idea that you can achieve success without ever experiencing success?

I think this idea only exists in Judaism.

Without having carried out a survey of all other belief systems on this particular issue, I can't say for sure...but I think so.

For example, the awareness of the wrongness of stealing or murder exists in other belief systems.

All cultures institute laws against such transgressions (how ever they define stealing or murder).

But the idea that you actually succeed as long as you sincerely try—that you can earn a place in Heaven simply by sincere effort without any actual visible accomplishment?

I think that's only found in Judaism.

Just as a non-Chassidish example, we have a Q&A with Rav Itamar Schwartz regarding a sin Judaism counts as one of the most severe for men:

QUESTION:
If a person has a struggle with Shemiras HaBris and he davens a lot about it and sometimes even cries about it to Hashem, but he keeps falling in this area, will he merit the Geulah (Redemption) if he hasn’t yet fixed these sins by the moment the Geulah arrives?

Especially because there are sources that say that only people who are shomer the bris (people who are careful in the area of Bris Kodesh) will merit the Geulah.

ANSWER:
If one tried very hard all of his life in this area, and he also suffered because of it, he is not disqualified from the Geulah.

www.bilvavi.net/files/Bilvavi_171_Shemos_What.We.Came.Here.For_5781.pdf
(last question on last page of the PDF)

So this idea is a quintessentially Jewish attitude toward struggle & success.

Internalizing this belief can save a person from falling into despair & giving up completely.

At the same time, the attempt to wrap one's mind around this idea slams into a formidable wall for nearly everyone because it goes against the entire attitude of our surrounding cultures.

Yet the belief that struggle IS success is paradoxically the secret to success—and to meriting Redemption & a good place in the World to Come.

We can leave off with the words of Rav Akiva Rabinovitz as quoted by Rav Ofer Erez in Ahavat Kedumim, page 170:

Hakadosh Baruch Hu holds absolutely no hakpadah [strict condemnation] against a Jewish person who possess evil traits and lusts.

Hakadosh Baruch Hu does not come in accusations about this since He implanted these within him, and He brought us down here for this purpose.

***

The hakpadah occurs when the Jewish person does not strive to seek out the path and the counsel as to how to get out of [those evil traits and lusts].

And that's the Truth.

*Note: I made minor adjustments to some of the punctuation & capitalization in quoting the original text of the book, which is anyway an English translation of Rav Bender's original Yiddish lectures. Yet in doing so, I omitted the usual square brackets [] and "sic" and other editorial signs because of a preference for clearer text and to not make the reader cross-eyed with square brackets crammed into all sorts of unexpected & distracting places.

Related Posts:

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Motivational Quote from Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender about the Sparkling Significance of Even Just ONE MOMENT of Regret & Longing to Be Better

27/9/2021

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"The moment such a pure thought sparkles in the mind,
one moment of regret and longing for good…
Immediately — in a moment,
one is already separated from evil.
Already a good precious moment is counted to your merit.
Even a single instant is not insignificant --
it is even very important."

— Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, Words of Faith, Volume I, page 280

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Why was Ruth's Conversion to Judaism So Monumental? What Does Conversion Actually Accomplish? And Why is It So Vitally Necessary for a Conversion to be Absolutely Kosher & Sincere?

16/5/2021

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If you're interested in why Ruth's conversion was so monumental & what conversion to Judaism should actually accomplish, then please see the following posts:

The Powerful Secret of Sincere Conversion

http://www.myrtlerising.com/blog/the-powerful-secret-of-sincere-conversion

The Secret Saga of a Righteous Convert as Told by a True Tzaddik

http://www.myrtlerising.com/blog/the-secret-saga-of-a-righteous-convert-as-told-by-a-true-tzaddik

Converts in the Breslov Community

http://breslovcenter.blogspot.co.il/2011/01/converts-in-breslov-community.html

How to Conquer Toxic Shame

http://www.myrtlerising.com/blog/how-to-conquer-toxic-shame
(some fundamentals of releasing & elevating hidden & trapped sparks)

Judaism strongly discourages converts.

Every convert who means to fully accept the yoke of Torah & all applicable mitzvot receives a new soul.

However, different levels of soul come according to the convert's level of intention.

Yet at the same time, sincere converts receive a special status with a direct lineage to Avraham Avinu & Sara Imeinu!

Furthermore, converts are subject to special protection, as commanded directly from the Torah and described in Tehillim 146:9, that Hashem guards & protects specifically the ger (even as He is, of course, the All-Powerful Shomer Yisrael).

We see that the great David HaMelech is the great-grandson of a convert (Ruth), and therefore Melech HaMashiach is also descended from a convert.

Rebbi Akiva was the son/grandson of converts & a direct descendent of the evil Sisera—yet he became one of Am Yisrael's greatest Sages.

So we see how wholly sincere conversion produces very special results.

The information in the above links, mostly gleaned from the great tzaddik Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, explains why a truly kosher & sincere conversion is so powerful & so important for Am Yisrael.

After learning about the sparks & what conversion really does, both for the convert & for Am Yisrael, it's easy to deduce why invalid or questionable conversions are so damaging, not only practically, but also on a spiritual level.

Often, a potential convert contains a Jewish spark, which leads the soul toward conversion. Hashem planted that spark within because, for whatever reason, this person needed the process of conversion to carry out his or her soul rectification.

For example, some converts left Judaism in their former gilgul (lifetime).

To repair that terrible heresy, Hashem causes them to be born as non-Jews in a new gilgul — non-Jews who actively need to pursue Judaism & proactively adopt the full yoke of Torah & mitzvot to atone for the rejection they performed in their previous gilgul.

And that's just one interesting & newer reason. There are other better-known, all-encompassing reasons.

Regardless, it's vital that a conversion be carried out properly. The rabbis involved must be Orthodox—but being Orthodox isn't enough. These rabbis must also deal with conversion responsibly & take it very seriously.

The following short video contains a directive from the Lubavitcher Rebbe about how to conduct a kosher conversion & how to determine the sincerity of the potential convert. It contains wonderful direction & I wish every Orthodox rabbi would use this method when dealing with potential converts!:
https://www.chabad.org/therebbe/livingtorah/player_cdo/aid/878374/jewish/Welcome-Home.htm

Springtime in Eretz Yisrael

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You as the Hero in the Historic World Movie of the Future

10/12/2020

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For this post, it's best to have familiarity with these past 3 posts:

Smile—You're on Heaven's Candid Camera: Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Vayeishev (taken from HERE)
How the Baby Steps in This World Create Your Future World of Beautiful Pulsating Light (Rav Eliyahu Dessler)
The #1 Thing to Keep Doing When You Find Yourself Sinking in Mud (Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender)

Let's start with Rav Avigdor Miller's allegory of the historic movie of humanity & applying it to other guidance he gave, such as thinking about Hashem while walking from one utility pole to the next as you hurry down the street or while you hang on to a subway strap.

We know this matters because Rav Dessler wrote in Strive for Truth that any teshuvah you initiate in this world provides you with eternal progression in the World to Come.

Any teshuvah you do here starts off a marvelous chain reaction that continues with you for eternity.

And this is a big reason why people like Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, Rav Itamar Schwartz, and Rav Avigdor Miller encourage people with baby-steps.

Lo alecha hamalacha ligmor—You are not obligated to finish the work.

But you must still work it!

Even 10 seconds of it—the time it takes to walk from one utility pole to the next.

You as the Star of the Most Terrifying Zombie Movie

So based on these ideas, this means that when all of humanity watches the movie of the history of humanity, we're going to see thousands of years of billions of people going about their lives like zombies and thinking vanities.

Empty-headed thoughts.

Frivolous thoughts.

Unwholesome thoughts.

Thoughts of avodah zarah, like other religions or meditations.

Evil thoughts, scheming plans to destroy other people.

It's like those awful horror movies in which everyone is walking around crazed or zombified.

And then the scene switches...to you.

You in a Tear-Jerking Scene of the Historic Movie

There you are, walking down any old street, and as you pass one utility pole, you say to yourself, "Now I want to maintain an awareness of Hashem."

And you think about Hashem for the time it takes you to walk to the next utility pole.

And tears stream down the faces of everyone in the audience.

"That was such a beautiful scene!" they sob.

Likewise, when you say, "Now I am upholding the mitzvah of loving Hashem—I love You, Hashem."

Everyone's in floods as they watch your heart-stirring scene.

A hero against a billion mindless yet destructive zombies!

We don't feel it now.

But we will.

You as a Thrilling Climax of the Historic Movie

Then there's another scene: It's you again!

But this time, you're holding your tongue.

Maybe you wanted to reveal a particularly juicy bit of lashon hara. Maybe you wanted to indulge in some particularly gratifying ona'at devarim.

Maybe you were just insulted and you want desperately to snarl back, but you remember how, in Hashem's Eyes, it's better to be from the insulted rather than the insulters, and you want the blessing the comes from being silent.

Maybe you wanted to criticize or explode.

Doesn't matter. They're all excellent reasons to hold your tongue.

So there you are, with your lips pressed together. Maybe your mouth is twitching and you have a pained or angry look on your face, but your lips remain pressed together.

And maybe you feel good about your restraint...or maybe you don't.

If you haven't grown up with this ideal or if you aren't at all used to such self-restraint, you might feel awkward, stupid, frustrated, insecure, or resentful.

But now the audience is going wild with cheering.

Why?

Because again, they see you against the backdrop of billions of people over thousands of years—people who said whatever they wanted regardless of the consequences for anyone else. And also the billions of people who tweeted nastiness, who abused the comment sections of Facebook & websites, and who left soul-destroying messages on WhatsApp & Instagram. (3.6 billion people are on social media right now.)

Yet here you are, with your mouth closed against all odds!

It's like when that little one-man battleship needed to fly deep into the massive planet-destroying Death Star to destroy it.

He succeeds; it blows up in a planet-sized explosion.

But no one knows if that pilot managed to get out in time...

They think he's dead.

And then...he appears!

He made it!

He destroyed the Death Star, saved the Universe—and made it out alive!

What a wild finale!

So that's how everyone feels when they're going to see you with your painfully closed mouth.

Likewise, as you flail in the mud at today's 50th level of tumah, hopping from one foot to the other, struggling to free yourself from the mud, but you manage to do no more than get one foot out when the other foot gets sucked back in again.

You feel frustrated, despairing, exhausted, and gunky.

To make things worse, others deride your efforts.

Most of the world does not understand why you don't simply lie down in the mud and relax by streaming in some trashy brainwashing Hollywood films while snacking on non-kosher hot dogs & making nasty or inane remarks on social media.

Yet you're relying on Rav Bender's exhortation in Words of Faith:

"One foot in, one foot out.
But the main thing is that the last foot should be outside."

And now, at the time of this future screening, everyone knows of this all-important goal.

And your final scene ends...with one foot out of the mud.

The audience goes wild—YOU DID IT!

YES!

It's a million times more thrilling & meaningful than the special effects of the pilot making it out of the Death Star alive.

And that's the truth.

Only we don't feel it now.

But we will.

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Appreciating Each Other: How are Different Groups Viewed in Shamayim? Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender Reveals the Key from a Post-Death Conversation with His Late Brother-in-Law

19/4/2020

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With our biggest rabbanim emphasizing the need to work on our bein-adam-l'chaveiro (person-to-person) mitzvot, a big thing is to avoid denigrating other Rebbes & Rabbanim, which also includes other groups.

BTW: By "other groups," this ONLY means HALACHICALLY LEGITIMATE groups.

Groups that deny the chain of tradition from Har Sinai, nullify fundamental halachah by weaseling fake loopholes, groups that deny the Divinity of Torah, or even hold the belief in Hashem Himself is optional...these ideologies deserve no respect whatsoever.

Having said that, treating the bamboozled adherents themselves of these groups with respect is derech eretz. The vast majority of them were not raised with authentic Torah knowledge, and are fed cunning lies & distortions to get them to believe in these halachically illegitimate ideologies.

They're simply flailing over the stumbling block placed before the blind. They need help & outreach more than censure.

But respecting these extremely damaging & anti-Jewish ideas? No way. Never.

However, there are groups which developed over time; there are varied traditions set by real tzaddikim.

And those should not be tangled with.

Since the creation of Bnei Yisrael, we have been split into different groups according to Tribe.

When we crossed the parted Yam Suf, we crossed in different pathways according to Tribe — a Divine message that Hashem Himself wishes for us to be varied yet united.

It's like different jewels in one setting.

For example, a pearl necklace often has diamond and/or gold fixtures or gold clasps. Not only is a gold clasp more practical than a pearl clasp, the necklace is all the more beautiful for its gold (or diamond) accents.

I think we've all seen beautiful pieces of jewelry that combine diamonds with gold and amethysts or emeralds or rubies or sapphires.

A bracelet is simply so much more exquisite for the combination of precious stones and metals.

Likewise, bnei Yisrael.

"IF One Means It in TRUTH..."

In Words of Faith, a collection of drashot by one of the Breslover tzaddikim Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, Rav Bender recalls the time his late brother-in-law Rav Moshe Tchunstchover visited him a in a dream (Vol. II, page 213):

I asked him, "Moshe — vi azoi iz dartun dem Rebin's zach [How is the matter of the Rebbe over there]?"

He answered me, "Dem Rebin's zach is da zeir chashuv — ob memeint mit a emes [The matter of the Rebbe is extremely important — if one means it in truth]...."

This is an astounding revelation from someone devoted heart & soul to the path of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov.

In order to appreciate this objectivity & integrity, it's important to know how deeply immersed in Breslov ideology Rav Bender was.

First of all, Rav Bender was not born into Breslov. He was born in Poland to parents who were not Breslovers at all. He only delved into Breslov at age 17 after having been impressed with the ideology. He moved to Uman against his parents' wishes.

So he chose it when he hadn't needed to.

And out of his own free choice, Rav Bender developed an unswerving dedication to the path of Rebbe Nachman.

For example, Rav Bender advised doing a whole session of hitbodedut ONLY on the appreciation for Rebbe Nachman and what he gave us, promising that one could enjoy hours just on that alone.

Rav Bender also literally risked his life & endured a terrible prison sentence that almost ended in execution — all for saying a quick Tikkun Haklali at Rebbe Nachman's grave site.

It was worth it to him, no regrets.

That's dedication.

On page 158 of Vol. I, Rav Bender waxes:

We should be so happy over having come close to the Rebbe. This opens the heart and frees the mind...The treasure we have is worth more than all the wealth of the world.

This is obviously a Breslover chassid devoted heart, soul, and mind to his chassidus and his Rebbe.

On page 456 of Vol. II, Rav Bender states:

It is incumbent upon us to believe in the words of the Tzaddik [Rebbe Nachman of Breslov] about everything, in every bit of what he says.

These are the words of a truly passionate chassid of Breslov.

At the same time, he also stresses Rebbe Nosson's passion to listen to all tzaddikim (i.e., probably not just Rebbe Nachman & probably not just the Breslover tzaddikim) — "to listen to all that they say."

(Rebbe Nosson/Natan Sternhartz was Rebbe Nachman's prime disciple & transcriber.)

But Rav Bender's fiery devotion to Breslov, to Rebbe Nachman himself, is prime.

3 Lessons Learned from This Brief Yet Revealing Exchange

There is no doubt in my mind that Rav Moshe Tchunstchover made a post-mortem visit to Rav Bender, during which he gave Rav Bender the above message in reply to Rav Bender's question.

It cannot be that this is a figment of Rav Bender's imagination because in the depths of his being, it's clear that Rav Bender felt that Rebbe Nachman's way was the best & most effective way to fulfill Torah.

(Also, Rav Bender was remarkably self-aware. If he describes this as an after-death visitation and not a mere dream, we can be sure he really knows that it is.)

So this brief message from the World of Truth tells us 3 things:

(1) The path of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov is indeed a legitimate path of Torah Judaism. It's zeir chashuv — very important — in the World of Truth.

(2) It's not the only path. (Else Rav Tchunstchover wouldn't have said it's "very important;" he would've declared it considered the "real way" or "the best.")

(3) But the clincher is: You need to mean it mit a emes — with Truth. You have to be sincere. You have to really mean it.

And I'm going to risk extrapolating that lesson to apply to other halachically legitimate groups (Lubavitch chassidus, Satmar chassidus, Yemenite, Litvish, the mussar movement, the Ben Ish Chai of the Sefardim, etc.):

Each one is very important in Shamayim...but you must memeint mit a emes — you have to really mean it.

Am Yisrael all together ♥♥

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Learning Spiritual Growth from the Low-Life Butcher who Eventually Achieved a Good Name

18/2/2020

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In Words of Faith, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender recalls several Jews who started off on very low levels, but propelled themselves up into spiritual heroism & greatness.

Yet one, a butcher, did not become a heroic paragon of greatness like the others, but he did depart from This World "with a good name among the God-fearing Jews of America."

This is very good, but not on the same level as the former Shabbat-transgressor who reached such a high level that Rebbe Nosson said they will boast of him before the Kisei HaKavod (the Heavenly Throne of Glory). Nor is it the level of the former hitman who not only made complete teshuvah, but also risked his life to provide a mikveh for the Jewish community, in addition to generously fulfilling the needs of the poor from his own pocket.

Certainly, departing This World with a good name among God-fearing Jews is wonderful, but still not on the same level as Rav Bender himself, who was a lofty tzaddik.

One can depart with a good name without being an actual tzaddik.

Yet Rav Bender speaks of this butcher with such admiration.

Why?

Striving to be a Man When There are No Longer Any "Men"

The low-life butcher who departed with a good name takes us back to the idea of the measuring scale of 0-10.

(Please see Seeing Ourselves through Hashem's Eyes by Using a Measuring Scale of 0-10.)

This butcher was a total low-life. He used to waste time in the Breslov shul & hog the heater in the winter, and speak in such a vulgar manner that people like Rav Bender could not allow themselves to stand near the heater for fear of hearing things "that a delicate person could not bear to hear."

Rav Bender and other special Breslovers lived in extreme poverty and toiveled in a roofless mikveh full of ice in the freezing Ukrainian winters.

Believe me, these tzaddikim NEEDED the heater in the shul.

Yet they couldn't revive themselves by the heater due to this vulgar boor.

And how distressing for such holy people to be forced to be around such ugly behavior. It also goes against everything a shul is for.

Some congregants wished to forcibly remove this vulgar boor.

But the rav of the shul, Rav Avraham (ben Rav Nachman) Chazan, pleaded with his well-meaning congregants:

"He came to us — do not disturb him... In spite of everything, he feels obliged to come to us. Don't do anything to harm him..."

[Vol II, pg 308]

This attitude was in accordance with classic Breslov philosophy.

Ironically, after this low-life butcher left the presence of true tzaddikim in Uman and encountered the watered-down version of frumkeit in America, only then did the butcher feel inspired to change.

Upon seeing the style of prayer and behavior of the shepherd-less chassidim in America and how it paled in comparison to what he'd experienced in the Breslover shul in Uman, the low-life butcher felt compelled to make a change.

No longer able to drift along by the coattails of real tzaddikim, this butcher strove to be an ish in a place where there was no ish, like it says in Pirkei Avot 2:5 "In a place where there are no men, strive to be a man."

Now.

Where was the starting point of this low-life boor?

How was he raised?

The book doesn't say.

Did he even know how to read? And if he could read, did he possess the ability to learn Mishneh? Chumash with Rashi?

The book doesn't say.

Whatever the butcher's skills were, he felt he needed to guide his new community in America based on the example he saw in the Breslov shul in Uman.

It doesn't say he learned Torah or mussar; it just implies that he led by example—based on the example he witnessed in Uman.

Ultimately, we see he possessed at least some internal keilim (he was able to identify the weaknesses in the American chassidic community and feel bothered by the weaknesses enough to compel change, both in himself and others)—internal keilim which weren't realized until he arrived at a weaker community.

As far as external keilim go, it's not clear, but it looks like he didn't receive such a great upbringing, although it seems that it was at least somewhat religious, even if only externally.

His greatest external keilim was his exposure to real tzaddikim like Rav Bender and Rav Avraham (ben Rav Nachman) Chazan, among others.

So where would we say this butcher started out an a scale of 1-10?

Zero?

Two?

It's hard to say exactly, but something like the above.

And where is "departing with a good name among God-fearing Jews in America"?

Is that average—like a 5?

After all, many of us will likely depart with a good name among God-fearing Jews in our community (may we all live in good health until 120). That's the average expectation, right?

Or is it more than average? Like a 6 or even a 7?

If being boasted of before the Kisei HaKavod or risking one's life to build & provide a mikveh & providing for the poor, or being a real tzaddik & talmid chacham is a 10, then departing with a good name among God-fearing Jews in America isn't near 10.

So it's hard to say for sure. Yet whether the butcher was a zero or a 2 who made it to a 5 or 6, Rav Bender spoke highly of him.

Rav Bender obviously considered the man spiritually accomplished even if he never came close to achieving the astounding accomplishments of the others, or even the achievements of Rav Bender himself.

Let's end with the words of Rav Bender at the conclusion of the above story on page 308 in Volume II of Words of Faith:

"Even if chalilah v'chas you are wicked — don't remain alone... Do not look at yourself as wicked. Then the end will be good — it will certainly be good."

To read the stories mentioned in this post, please see:

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Some More Thoughts on Therapy, Its Uses & Abuses

22/1/2020

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This blog has featured posts on therapy and therapists, and its flaws.

However, I do kind of worry that I've come off harsher than intended. It's hard to get all the perspectives into one single post, but I want to try.

Maybe I haven't emphasized enough that I don't automatically think badly of therapists or people who choose to invest in therapy.

I think most therapists and their clients are sincere and wish to help/be helped.

I also think we're basically talking about good people across the board (with some exceptions).

But I also see very real flaws in the whole system.

Having said that, of course, you can speak to someone.

You can speak to Hashem, but of course you can also speak to another person.

Lubavitcher women have a mashpia. Many people have rebbetzins or rebbis or good friends or mentors of some kind – someone who gives them chizuk & helps them better themselves.

In the book Words of Faith, the tzaddik Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender lays out recommendations on how to be a truly beneficial confidant.

For discussions of his ideas, please see:

How to Listen & How to Speak
Friendship & Encouraging Words
The Honesty Deception
A Tzaddik's Example: Listen, Empathize, Encourage
Human Interaction and the Secret of Light

Your therapist or adviser can also fulfill that role; the question is whether they ARE actually fulfilling that role to your best interests.

Going Back in Time for Some Personal Anecdotes

Being the secular American child of the 1980s, I've been to therapists a few times, although I never invested years in therapy.

For my generation (and I think everyone younger than me), therapy was & still is considered both the acceptable & the responsible thing to do. (And psychiatric treatment has now joined therapy in this respect.)

Two non-Jewish therapists did me no good whatsoever. Literally nothing came out of it, even though with one of them, I spent 6 months at the age of 16 going to weekly appointments because I felt very insecure and wished to become an emotionally healthy person, and thought that these weekly appointments would fix me. Total waste of time & money.

One high school guidance counselor (who are usually considered a joke) was a wonderfully empathetic listener and adored by the student body. A wide variety of students went to her, including those you'd think would never do so. While I'm grateful for the temporary relief she provided with her genuine caring, I made no progress whatsoever in self-improvement or any specific issues.

In fact, as I started looking into Torah Judaism and made plans for aliyah, she displayed sincere concern (she was a very sincere Liberal and a feminist), which included handing me the photocopied article from a magazine interview with a Palestinian terrorist who expressed the goal of moving to England and becoming a computer programmer after he was done terrorizing Jews. (Well, I considered him a terrorist anyway. The guidance counselor and the magazine clearly did not consider his actions as "terror.")

She also gave me another photocopied article of a secular Leftist Israeli who'd gone undercover as an Arab to see how it feels. Needless to say, it did not present a balanced picture.

Guess who were the poor sympathetic victims and who were the bad guys?

When I discussed this slanted hit-job with her later, addressing some of the more blatant and suspicious parts, she merely looked saddened at my inability to accept the facts as she saw them.

She also seemed confused by my opinion that the reporter's strong Leftist bias made him, well, biased.

Interestingly, despite the obvious middot work I needed to do, handing me these skillfully written propaganda pieces was the most proactive she'd ever been about changing my thought patterns.

And I'm still trying to remember if it was she who lent me a book written by a Reform rabbi, to influence me away from frumkeit...

Clearly, she only became concerned enough to leave aside the facilitative listening and influence me was when I looked toward become a more spiritual and moral person.

An Example of Truly Helpful Therapy for 1 Specific Issue

Later, in my 20s, I confided in a rebbetzin my unrelenting anxiety in a specific area. When she saw she wasn't able to help me, she set up a meeting with a frum female therapist who specialized in this issue (which was the responsible thing to do, and I was grateful to her for caring enough to do it).

This frum therapist also offered first appointments for free, so even though she knew this would likely be a one-time meeting, she still offered that time free of charge.

After I explained my anxiety, she got straight to the core of the issue with the help of a few insightful questions, then she addressed my issue with conviction in a convincing & thoughtful manner.

She thoroughly answered every concern I had about the issue, completely reassuring me.

With this particular weight lifted from my heart, I went on with my life and did not need another visit.

Perhaps this is a good example of what has been mentioned in previous posts: Therapy can be helpful for certain issues, but not necessarily for overall self-improvement (although it can do that too to a point).

While this particular issue ended up completely resolved in 1 session of therapy, I did not leave her office a better person than when I'd entered it.

I felt better (about this issue, anyway), but I wasn't actually a better person overall.

(And this says nothing bad about the therapist because the only goal of the session was to focus on this one issue, and not to work on myself overall.)

Lots of Money & Time with Very Little Benefit

Later, I went to another frum therapist over the course of a few months. She wasn't able to help me with that issue overall, but she did open my eyes to a certain negative behavior I'd unconsciously adopted.

Stunned by the realization, I quickly got to work on it.

That was an actual aspect of middot work. But just one and the main issue I'd come for wasn't helped even one bit (as far as I can remember).

Then I decided to continue with her regarding another issue, that of my fear of being the victim of a terror attack. (This was around the time suicide bombers were blowing up buses and kiosks, I knew people who almost victims of these attacks, so it wasn't an irrational fear.)

After cheerfully explaining how she personally did not relate to this fear, and cheerfully including a personal anecdote to show just how much she could not personally empathize, she agreed to work with me on it anyway.

Needless to say, this did not last long. Maybe I met with her once or twice more.

I think there is a tremendous pull in being listened to and also being liked. Because she listened to me & indicated that she liked me, I remember her fondly despite the fact that she was only of little help practically.

Should you pay hundreds (or even thousands of the course of months or years) for that?

I suppose that if you can easily afford to and you really crave being listened to and liked...well, I honestly don't know.

But you should at least know what you're paying for – and I think that the enjoyment of the therapist's caring and validation masks the reality that many people are not getting as much practical help from therapy as they feel they are.

The truth is, plain old therapy cannot really remedy a rational fear.

Hashem is really the only answer to fear.

Had she decided to learn Gate of Bitachon from Chovot Halevavot with me, or any other relevant chapters from other mussar books, it would've been much more helpful.

However, she herself would need to be on that level and in that frame of mind in order to give over such concepts.

(Although it could also be that just learning them together and speaking them out loud would've still been very helpful, even without her being able to project it. After all, the message of these great Sages comes through no matter what.)

Happier People aren't Necessarily Better People

The daughter of an incredibly wealthy secular family became suicidally depressed.

This is actually not so surprising as she was raised by a very self-righteous & distant mother (who was occasionally abusive) and hung out with other obnoxiously wealthy & decadent "friends" who held few morals and little meaning in their lives...which consisted of achieving good grades, while indulging in hard drugs and hefker behavior outside of school.

So she went to a very expensive & highly regarded secular doctor-psychologist.

Indeed, he helped her get out of her depression. She no longer wished to kill herself, and she not only rose out of her depression, but she charmed others with her funny & bubbly persona.

She also felt like therapy really helped her. She felt like her therapist saved her life (and he did).

Yet however much she felt better and happier, she was not a better person.

She continued to dabble in "soft" drugs, engage in appallingly hefker behavior (including becoming the mistress of a man she KNEW FROM THE FIRST was married with a child, then tried to wreck his marriage when he decided to stop the affair to return to his wife), and so on with behaviors that were either self-destructive or other-destructive.

Again, despite therapy saving her life and making her a happier person, therapy certainly did not make her a better person.

Physical Abuse? Cured! Emotional Neglect? Well...

A childhood friend told me about how, due to behavioral problems with another sibling, her parents were coerced into therapy.

She thinks this is why the physical abuse she'd been experiencing until then stopped.

So though her parents both stopped whacking the kids, and she stopped living in fear of being hit, her parents never became loving or nurturing parents.

Her father still had a temper and her mother was still heartbreakingly uninterested.

She said she's grateful that the therapy somehow stopped the physical abuse (which she thinks wasn't really inner change, but perhaps just the threat of being reported), but at the same time, she felt it showed just how much her parents really did not care about her.

Who is the Focus?

One final point:

Many advisers tend to talk about themselves under the guise of helping you.

Although this is neither so logical or helpful (unless your personality or situation happen to be so similar to the adviser's that this actually gives you helpful direction or validation), it's understandable because good listening calls for tremendous focus & self-restraint.

So it's understandable that people who spend so much of their time listening to others might get overwhelmed with the required self-discipline and start going on about themselves when they either should be listening or be talking about you and your situation.

So even when it's not helpful, it's still understandable.

However, therapists can do this too.

And while it's still understandable for the reasons above, this kind of self-indulgence is especially inappropriate when you are paying them so much for the time.

I think this is a problem, whether you're asking for aitzah or therapy.

Just to clarify: IF their own sharing is MEANT to be helpful and IS helpful, then that's fine. It can be really good.

But if it's just an emotional indulgence of theirs, that's not what you're there for.

Uh-Oh...I'm Even Worse Than I Thought!

When I first started doing hitbodedut and a real cheshbon hanefesh, I was struck with the profound realization of what bad middah was at the core of my negative behaviors.

I had never considered myself to have a problem with that particular middah (other middot, yes; this one, no), yet here it was in all its shocking starkness.

Interestingly, this issue never came up in any therapy session, it was never noticed by my parents or friends or my husband, and it never even came up with my mentor-rebbetzin who'd helped me so much with real middot work and self-improvement.

I don't want to say what it was, but let's use another example:

Let's say that I have problems with anger & spreading rumors, I enjoy making nasty barbs at others, and struggle a lot with giving the benefit of the doubt. (Ew, what a nasty person!)

(BTW, conventional therapy would diagnose me as suffering from low self-esteem and work on making me feel better about myself to stop the negative behaviors – which, as discussed above, doesn't ultimately help.)

So maybe I think my core problematic middot are anger, a sadistic streak (i.e. the middah of achzariyut/cruelty), and cynicism. And people who know me well might agree.

But when I do a raw cheshbon hanefesh in hitbodedut, I discover that I have a serious problem with envy. (Again, NOT the problem I discovered. This is a decoy.)

But wait – I never considered myself an envious person before! In fact, I always thought that envy was the LEAST of my problems!

And now, I am faced with the realization that not only is envy a problem for me, it is actually a HUGE problem and the root cause of my other bad middot.

(Meaning, most of the time rage boiled over, it had to do with envy. The nasty barbs and rumor-mongering emanated from envy, etc. Again, all theoretical.)

Again, these weren't my exact issues, but looking back, I don't blame anyone (including professionals) for not having cottoned on to one of the main middot I needed to fix.

It's was disguised by several other bad middot.

And in hindsight, I honestly don't see that it would've been picked up on in therapy.

Also, when you first stumble across a bad middah, you can be plunged into terrible shame, which might be a barrier when you're working via another person.

But it's okay because Hashem already knew this about you and anyway, HE was the One who planted it within you (so it's not really your fault that you have it, although you still have a responsibility to fix it).

So you can deal with the shame that way.

In fact, once you've discovered the middah and felt ashamed, you can now be really happy with this evidence that you are such a wonderful person who works on yourself so sincerely, and that Hashem loves you so much for doing so, and you've also sweetened dinim just by doing this.

Anyway, I don't blame anyone for never catching it.

It merely proved to me the importance of doing your own work on yourself in private with Hashem.

Conclusion

So I hope that clarifies things more.

Like I've said before, I think that therapy can be helpful for spot-cleaning specific issues.

After all, it helped me with a couple of specific issues and I've seen others helped too.

However, I've seen time and again that fixing a specific issue often does not lead to overall self-improvement.

Even feeling better or feeling happier does not automatically lead to overall better behavior.

(Along these lines, I could tell you a couple of stories of the hurtful behavior of cheerful people on antidepressants. Not the homicidal behavior of a minority, but the routine verbal behavior of many on antidepressants who indeed feel happier, but really should tape up their mouths. So they feel really good, but sometimes behave very badly WHILE feeling really good!)

If it addresses an actual middah, then yes, it can lead to self-improvement (although there are other middot that need to be addressed; rare is the person who only has one problematic middah).

And as has been mentioned in previous posts, statistics show that, for example, most divorced couples invested in marital therapy prior to divorce (i.e., the therapy did not help the marriage).

The same issues apply when going to any adviser for help.

Whether they realize it or not, many people invest in therapy to feel better, whether they actually become better people or not.

If you're in a situation in which you crave the relief gained from pouring out your heart to a sympathetic listener AND you can afford to pay someone for this...well, okay. I honestly don't know.

Ultimately, I think it's good to be aware of:

what you're really in therapy for
what the therapist can honestly do for you
what you can get out of it
how to deal the difference between feeling better & truly being a better person

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The Main Reason for Hatred & How to Turn It Around

13/1/2020

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Encouraging a Wife

Encouraging a Husband

Encouragement for Children

Encouragement for Students

Encouragement for All Kinds of People

The Power of a Friendly Smile

Why Smile at Office People & Grouchy People?

When You're Smiling, The Borei Olam Smiles at You

An Imbalance in the Ratio of Positive to Negative

Here's How to NOT Shoot the Messenger

Message Received!

We All Have Our Blind Spots

Why Standard Techniques for Dealing with Difficult People Cannot Always Work & This Method Will

Cultivating Yourself Positively & According to Your Real Capabilities

The Main Points for Using Other's Undesirable Behavior as a Message to for Your Own Self-Improvement

A Self-Image based on Authentic Torah Hashkafah

When Things aren't What They Seem

The Secret to Success is in the Struggle, Not the Outcome

You as the Star of the Most Terrifying Zombie Movie

You in a Tear-Jerking Scene of the Historic Movie

You as a Thrilling Climax of the Historic Movie

"One foot in, one foot out. ​But the main thing is that the last foot should be outside."

"IF One Means It in TRUTH..."

3 Lessons Learned from This Brief Yet Revealing Exchange

Striving to be a Man When There are No Longer Any "Men"

"Even if chalilah v'chas you are wicked — don't remain alone... Do not look at yourself as wicked. Then the end will be good — it will certainly be good."

Going Back in Time for Some Personal Anecdotes

An Example of Truly Helpful Therapy for 1 Specific Issue

Lots of Money & Time with Very Little Benefit

Happier People aren't Necessarily Better People

Physical Abuse? Cured! Emotional Neglect? Well...

Who is the Focus?

Uh-Oh...I'm Even Worse Than I Thought!

Conclusion

Myrtle Rising

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"One foot in, one foot out.
But the main thing is that the last foot should be outside."