Category: Rav L.Y. Bender

Why was Ruth's Conversion to Judaism So Monumental? What Does Conversion Actually Accomplish? And Why is It So Vitally Necessary for a Conversion to be Absolutely Kosher & Sincere?

16/5/2021

If you're interested in why Ruth's conversion was so monumental & what conversion to Judaism should actually accomplish, then please see the following posts:

The Powerful Secret of Sincere Conversion

http://www.myrtlerising.com/blog/the-powerful-secret-of-sincere-conversion

The Secret Saga of a Righteous Convert as Told by a True Tzaddik

http://www.myrtlerising.com/blog/the-secret-saga-of-a-righteous-convert-as-told-by-a-true-tzaddik

Converts in the Breslov Community

http://breslovcenter.blogspot.co.il/2011/01/converts-in-breslov-community.html

How to Conquer Toxic Shame

http://www.myrtlerising.com/blog/how-to-conquer-toxic-shame
(some fundamentals of releasing & elevating hidden & trapped sparks)

Judaism strongly discourages converts.

Every convert who means to fully accept the yoke of Torah & all applicable mitzvot receives a new soul.

However, different levels of soul come according to the convert's level of intention.

Yet at the same time, sincere converts receive a special status with a direct lineage to Avraham Avinu & Sara Imeinu!

Furthermore, converts are subject to special protection, as commanded directly from the Torah and described in Tehillim 146:9, that Hashem guards & protects specifically the ger (even as He is, of course, the All-Powerful Shomer Yisrael).

We see that the great David HaMelech is the great-grandson of a convert (Ruth), and therefore Melech HaMashiach is also descended from a convert.

Rebbi Akiva was the son/grandson of converts & a direct descendent of the evil Sisera—yet he became one of Am Yisrael's greatest Sages.

So we see how wholly sincere conversion produces very special results.

The information in the above links, mostly gleaned from the great tzaddik Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, explains why a truly kosher & sincere conversion is so powerful & so important for Am Yisrael.

After learning about the sparks & what conversion really does, both for the convert & for Am Yisrael, it's easy to deduce why invalid or questionable conversions are so damaging, not only practically, but also on a spiritual level.

Often, a potential convert contains a Jewish spark, which leads the soul toward conversion. Hashem planted that spark within because, for whatever reason, this person needed the process of conversion to carry out his or her soul rectification.

For example, some converts left Judaism in their former gilgul (lifetime).

To repair that terrible heresy, Hashem causes them to be born as non-Jews in a new gilgul — non-Jews who actively need to pursue Judaism & proactively adopt the full yoke of Torah & mitzvot to atone for the rejection they performed in their previous gilgul.

And that's just one interesting & newer reason. There are other better-known, all-encompassing reasons.

Regardless, it's vital that a conversion be carried out properly. The rabbis involved must be Orthodox—but being Orthodox isn't enough. These rabbis must also deal with conversion responsibly & take it very seriously.

The following short video contains a directive from the Lubavitcher Rebbe about how to conduct a kosher conversion & how to determine the sincerity of the potential convert. It contains wonderful direction & I wish every Orthodox rabbi would use this method when dealing with potential converts!:
https://www.chabad.org/therebbe/livingtorah/player_cdo/aid/878374/jewish/Welcome-Home.htm

Springtime in Eretz Yisrael

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You as the Hero in the Historic World Movie of the Future

10/12/2020

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For this post, it's best to have familiarity with these past 3 posts:

Smile—You're on Heaven's Candid Camera: Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Vayeishev (taken from HERE)
How the Baby Steps in This World Create Your Future World of Beautiful Pulsating Light (Rav Eliyahu Dessler)
The #1 Thing to Keep Doing When You Find Yourself Sinking in Mud (Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender)

Let's start with Rav Avigdor Miller's allegory of the historic movie of humanity & applying it to other guidance he gave, such as thinking about Hashem while walking from one utility pole to the next as you hurry down the street or while you hang on to a subway strap.

We know this matters because Rav Dessler wrote in Strive for Truth that any teshuvah you initiate in this world provides you with eternal progression in the World to Come.

Any teshuvah you do here starts off a marvelous chain reaction that continues with you for eternity.

And this is a big reason why people like Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, Rav Itamar Schwartz, and Rav Avigdor Miller encourage people with baby-steps.

Lo alecha hamalacha ligmor—You are not obligated to finish the work.

But you must still work it!

Even 10 seconds of it—the time it takes to walk from one utility pole to the next.

You as the Star of the Most Terrifying Zombie Movie

So based on these ideas, this means that when all of humanity watches the movie of the history of humanity, we're going to see thousands of years of billions of people going about their lives like zombies and thinking vanities.

Empty-headed thoughts.

Frivolous thoughts.

Unwholesome thoughts.

Thoughts of avodah zarah, like other religions or meditations.

Evil thoughts, scheming plans to destroy other people.

It's like those awful horror movies in which everyone is walking around crazed or zombified.

And then the scene switches...to you.

You in a Tear-Jerking Scene of the Historic Movie

There you are, walking down any old street, and as you pass one utility pole, you say to yourself, "Now I want to maintain an awareness of Hashem."

And you think about Hashem for the time it takes you to walk to the next utility pole.

And tears stream down the faces of everyone in the audience.

"That was such a beautiful scene!" they sob.

Likewise, when you say, "Now I am upholding the mitzvah of loving Hashem—I love You, Hashem."

Everyone's in floods as they watch your heart-stirring scene.

A hero against a billion mindless yet destructive zombies!

We don't feel it now.

But we will.

You as a Thrilling Climax of the Historic Movie

Then there's another scene: It's you again!

But this time, you're holding your tongue.

Maybe you wanted to reveal a particularly juicy bit of lashon hara. Maybe you wanted to indulge in some particularly gratifying ona'at devarim.

Maybe you were just insulted and you want desperately to snarl back, but you remember how, in Hashem's Eyes, it's better to be from the insulted rather than the insulters, and you want the blessing the comes from being silent.

Maybe you wanted to criticize or explode.

Doesn't matter. They're all excellent reasons to hold your tongue.

So there you are, with your lips pressed together. Maybe your mouth is twitching and you have a pained or angry look on your face, but your lips remain pressed together.

And maybe you feel good about your restraint...or maybe you don't.

If you haven't grown up with this ideal or if you aren't at all used to such self-restraint, you might feel awkward, stupid, frustrated, insecure, or resentful.

But now the audience is going wild with cheering.

Why?

Because again, they see you against the backdrop of billions of people over thousands of years—people who said whatever they wanted regardless of the consequences for anyone else. And also the billions of people who tweeted nastiness, who abused the comment sections of Facebook & websites, and who left soul-destroying messages on WhatsApp & Instagram. (3.6 billion people are on social media right now.)

Yet here you are, with your mouth closed against all odds!

It's like when that little one-man battleship needed to fly deep into the massive planet-destroying Death Star to destroy it.

He succeeds; it blows up in a planet-sized explosion.

But no one knows if that pilot managed to get out in time...

They think he's dead.

And then...he appears!

He made it!

He destroyed the Death Star, saved the Universe—and made it out alive!

What a wild finale!

So that's how everyone feels when they're going to see you with your painfully closed mouth.

Likewise, as you flail in the mud at today's 50th level of tumah, hopping from one foot to the other, struggling to free yourself from the mud, but you manage to do no more than get one foot out when the other foot gets sucked back in again.

You feel frustrated, despairing, exhausted, and gunky.

To make things worse, others deride your efforts.

Most of the world does not understand why you don't simply lie down in the mud and relax by streaming in some trashy brainwashing Hollywood films while snacking on non-kosher hot dogs & making nasty or inane remarks on social media.

Yet you're relying on Rav Bender's exhortation in Words of Faith:

"One foot in, one foot out.
But the main thing is that the last foot should be outside."

And now, at the time of this future screening, everyone knows of this all-important goal.

And your final scene ends...with one foot out of the mud.

The audience goes wild—YOU DID IT!

YES!

It's a million times more thrilling & meaningful than the special effects of the pilot making it out of the Death Star alive.

And that's the truth.

Only we don't feel it now.

But we will.

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Appreciating Each Other: How are Different Groups Viewed in Shamayim? Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender Reveals the Key from a Post-Death Conversation with His Late Brother-in-Law

19/4/2020

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With our biggest rabbanim emphasizing the need to work on our bein-adam-l'chaveiro (person-to-person) mitzvot, a big thing is to avoid denigrating other Rebbes & Rabbanim, which also includes other groups.

BTW: By "other groups," this ONLY means HALACHICALLY LEGITIMATE groups.

Groups that deny the chain of tradition from Har Sinai, nullify fundamental halachah by weaseling fake loopholes, groups that deny the Divinity of Torah, or even hold the belief in Hashem Himself is optional...these ideologies deserve no respect whatsoever.

Having said that, treating the bamboozled adherents themselves of these groups with respect is derech eretz. The vast majority of them were not raised with authentic Torah knowledge, and are fed cunning lies & distortions to get them to believe in these halachically illegitimate ideologies.

They're simply flailing over the stumbling block placed before the blind. They need help & outreach more than censure.

But respecting these extremely damaging & anti-Jewish ideas? No way. Never.

However, there are groups which developed over time; there are varied traditions set by real tzaddikim.

And those should not be tangled with.

Since the creation of Bnei Yisrael, we have been split into different groups according to Tribe.

When we crossed the parted Yam Suf, we crossed in different pathways according to Tribe — a Divine message that Hashem Himself wishes for us to be varied yet united.

It's like different jewels in one setting.

For example, a pearl necklace often has diamond and/or gold fixtures or gold clasps. Not only is a gold clasp more practical than a pearl clasp, the necklace is all the more beautiful for its gold (or diamond) accents.

I think we've all seen beautiful pieces of jewelry that combine diamonds with gold and amethysts or emeralds or rubies or sapphires.

A bracelet is simply so much more exquisite for the combination of precious stones and metals.

Likewise, bnei Yisrael.

"IF One Means It in TRUTH..."

In Words of Faith, a collection of drashot by one of the Breslover tzaddikim Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, Rav Bender recalls the time his late brother-in-law Rav Moshe Tchunstchover visited him a in a dream (Vol. II, page 213):

I asked him, "Moshe — vi azoi iz dartun dem Rebin's zach [How is the matter of the Rebbe over there]?"

He answered me, "Dem Rebin's zach is da zeir chashuv — ob memeint mit a emes [The matter of the Rebbe is extremely important — if one means it in truth]...."

This is an astounding revelation from someone devoted heart & soul to the path of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov.

In order to appreciate this objectivity & integrity, it's important to know how deeply immersed in Breslov ideology Rav Bender was.

First of all, Rav Bender was not born into Breslov. He was born in Poland to parents who were not Breslovers at all. He only delved into Breslov at age 17 after having been impressed with the ideology. He moved to Uman against his parents' wishes.

So he chose it when he hadn't needed to.

And out of his own free choice, Rav Bender developed an unswerving dedication to the path of Rebbe Nachman.

For example, Rav Bender advised doing a whole session of hitbodedut ONLY on the appreciation for Rebbe Nachman and what he gave us, promising that one could enjoy hours just on that alone.

Rav Bender also literally risked his life & endured a terrible prison sentence that almost ended in execution — all for saying a quick Tikkun Haklali at Rebbe Nachman's grave site.

It was worth it to him, no regrets.

That's dedication.

On page 158 of Vol. I, Rav Bender waxes:

We should be so happy over having come close to the Rebbe. This opens the heart and frees the mind...The treasure we have is worth more than all the wealth of the world.

This is obviously a Breslover chassid devoted heart, soul, and mind to his chassidus and his Rebbe.

On page 456 of Vol. II, Rav Bender states:

It is incumbent upon us to believe in the words of the Tzaddik [Rebbe Nachman of Breslov] about everything, in every bit of what he says.

These are the words of a truly passionate chassid of Breslov.

At the same time, he also stresses Rebbe Nosson's passion to listen to all tzaddikim (i.e., probably not just Rebbe Nachman & probably not just the Breslover tzaddikim) — "to listen to all that they say."

(Rebbe Nosson/Natan Sternhartz was Rebbe Nachman's prime disciple & transcriber.)

But Rav Bender's fiery devotion to Breslov, to Rebbe Nachman himself, is prime.

3 Lessons Learned from This Brief Yet Revealing Exchange

There is no doubt in my mind that Rav Moshe Tchunstchover made a post-mortem visit to Rav Bender, during which he gave Rav Bender the above message in reply to Rav Bender's question.

It cannot be that this is a figment of Rav Bender's imagination because in the depths of his being, it's clear that Rav Bender felt that Rebbe Nachman's way was the best & most effective way to fulfill Torah.

(Also, Rav Bender was remarkably self-aware. If he describes this as an after-death visitation and not a mere dream, we can be sure he really knows that it is.)

So this brief message from the World of Truth tells us 3 things:

(1) The path of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov is indeed a legitimate path of Torah Judaism. It's zeir chashuv — very important — in the World of Truth.

(2) It's not the only path. (Else Rav Tchunstchover wouldn't have said it's "very important;" he would've declared it considered the "real way" or "the best.")

(3) But the clincher is: You need to mean it mit a emes — with Truth. You have to be sincere. You have to really mean it.

And I'm going to risk extrapolating that lesson to apply to other halachically legitimate groups (Lubavitch chassidus, Satmar chassidus, Yemenite, Litvish, the mussar movement, the Ben Ish Chai of the Sefardim, etc.):

Each one is very important in Shamayim...but you must memeint mit a emes — you have to really mean it.

Am Yisrael all together ♥♥

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Learning Spiritual Growth from the Low-Life Butcher who Eventually Achieved a Good Name

18/2/2020

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In Words of Faith, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender recalls several Jews who started off on very low levels, but propelled themselves up into spiritual heroism & greatness.

Yet one, a butcher, did not become a heroic paragon of greatness like the others, but he did depart from This World "with a good name among the God-fearing Jews of America."

This is very good, but not on the same level as the former Shabbat-transgressor who reached such a high level that Rebbe Nosson said they will boast of him before the Kisei HaKavod (the Heavenly Throne of Glory). Nor is it the level of the former hitman who not only made complete teshuvah, but also risked his life to provide a mikveh for the Jewish community, in addition to generously fulfilling the needs of the poor from his own pocket.

Certainly, departing This World with a good name among God-fearing Jews is wonderful, but still not on the same level as Rav Bender himself, who was a lofty tzaddik.

One can depart with a good name without being an actual tzaddik.

Yet Rav Bender speaks of this butcher with such admiration.

Why?

Striving to be a Man When There are No Longer Any "Men"

The low-life butcher who departed with a good name takes us back to the idea of the measuring scale of 0-10.

(Please see Seeing Ourselves through Hashem's Eyes by Using a Measuring Scale of 0-10.)

This butcher was a total low-life. He used to waste time in the Breslov shul & hog the heater in the winter, and speak in such a vulgar manner that people like Rav Bender could not allow themselves to stand near the heater for fear of hearing things "that a delicate person could not bear to hear."

Rav Bender and other special Breslovers lived in extreme poverty and toiveled in a roofless mikveh full of ice in the freezing Ukrainian winters.

Believe me, these tzaddikim NEEDED the heater in the shul.

Yet they couldn't revive themselves by the heater due to this vulgar boor.

And how distressing for such holy people to be forced to be around such ugly behavior. It also goes against everything a shul is for.

Some congregants wished to forcibly remove this vulgar boor.

But the rav of the shul, Rav Avraham (ben Rav Nachman) Chazan, pleaded with his well-meaning congregants:

"He came to us — do not disturb him... In spite of everything, he feels obliged to come to us. Don't do anything to harm him..."

[Vol II, pg 308]

This attitude was in accordance with classic Breslov philosophy.

Ironically, after this low-life butcher left the presence of true tzaddikim in Uman and encountered the watered-down version of frumkeit in America, only then did the butcher feel inspired to change.

Upon seeing the style of prayer and behavior of the shepherd-less chassidim in America and how it paled in comparison to what he'd experienced in the Breslover shul in Uman, the low-life butcher felt compelled to make a change.

No longer able to drift along by the coattails of real tzaddikim, this butcher strove to be an ish in a place where there was no ish, like it says in Pirkei Avot 2:5 "In a place where there are no men, strive to be a man."

Now.

Where was the starting point of this low-life boor?

How was he raised?

The book doesn't say.

Did he even know how to read? And if he could read, did he possess the ability to learn Mishneh? Chumash with Rashi?

The book doesn't say.

Whatever the butcher's skills were, he felt he needed to guide his new community in America based on the example he saw in the Breslov shul in Uman.

It doesn't say he learned Torah or mussar; it just implies that he led by example—based on the example he witnessed in Uman.

Ultimately, we see he possessed at least some internal keilim (he was able to identify the weaknesses in the American chassidic community and feel bothered by the weaknesses enough to compel change, both in himself and others)—internal keilim which weren't realized until he arrived at a weaker community.

As far as external keilim go, it's not clear, but it looks like he didn't receive such a great upbringing, although it seems that it was at least somewhat religious, even if only externally.

His greatest external keilim was his exposure to real tzaddikim like Rav Bender and Rav Avraham (ben Rav Nachman) Chazan, among others.

So where would we say this butcher started out an a scale of 1-10?

Zero?

Two?

It's hard to say exactly, but something like the above.

And where is "departing with a good name among God-fearing Jews in America"?

Is that average—like a 5?

After all, many of us will likely depart with a good name among God-fearing Jews in our community (may we all live in good health until 120). That's the average expectation, right?

Or is it more than average? Like a 6 or even a 7?

If being boasted of before the Kisei HaKavod or risking one's life to build & provide a mikveh & providing for the poor, or being a real tzaddik & talmid chacham is a 10, then departing with a good name among God-fearing Jews in America isn't near 10.

So it's hard to say for sure. Yet whether the butcher was a zero or a 2 who made it to a 5 or 6, Rav Bender spoke highly of him.

Rav Bender obviously considered the man spiritually accomplished even if he never came close to achieving the astounding accomplishments of the others, or even the achievements of Rav Bender himself.

Let's end with the words of Rav Bender at the conclusion of the above story on page 308 in Volume II of Words of Faith:

"Even if chalilah v'chas you are wicked — don't remain alone... Do not look at yourself as wicked. Then the end will be good — it will certainly be good."

To read the stories mentioned in this post, please see:

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Some More Thoughts on Therapy, Its Uses & Abuses

22/1/2020

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This blog has featured posts on therapy and therapists, and its flaws.

However, I do kind of worry that I've come off harsher than intended. It's hard to get all the perspectives into one single post, but I want to try.

Maybe I haven't emphasized enough that I don't automatically think badly of therapists or people who choose to invest in therapy.

I think most therapists and their clients are sincere and wish to help/be helped.

I also think we're basically talking about good people across the board (with some exceptions).

But I also see very real flaws in the whole system.

Having said that, of course, you can speak to someone.

You can speak to Hashem, but of course you can also speak to another person.

Lubavitcher women have a mashpia. Many people have rebbetzins or rebbis or good friends or mentors of some kind – someone who gives them chizuk & helps them better themselves.

In the book Words of Faith, the tzaddik Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender lays out recommendations on how to be a truly beneficial confidant.

For discussions of his ideas, please see:

How to Listen & How to Speak
Friendship & Encouraging Words
The Honesty Deception
A Tzaddik's Example: Listen, Empathize, Encourage
Human Interaction and the Secret of Light

Your therapist or adviser can also fulfill that role; the question is whether they ARE actually fulfilling that role to your best interests.

Going Back in Time for Some Personal Anecdotes

Being the secular American child of the 1980s, I've been to therapists a few times, although I never invested years in therapy.

For my generation (and I think everyone younger than me), therapy was & still is considered both the acceptable & the responsible thing to do. (And psychiatric treatment has now joined therapy in this respect.)

Two non-Jewish therapists did me no good whatsoever. Literally nothing came out of it, even though with one of them, I spent 6 months at the age of 16 going to weekly appointments because I felt very insecure and wished to become an emotionally healthy person, and thought that these weekly appointments would fix me. Total waste of time & money.

One high school guidance counselor (who are usually considered a joke) was a wonderfully empathetic listener and adored by the student body. A wide variety of students went to her, including those you'd think would never do so. While I'm grateful for the temporary relief she provided with her genuine caring, I made no progress whatsoever in self-improvement or any specific issues.

In fact, as I started looking into Torah Judaism and made plans for aliyah, she displayed sincere concern (she was a very sincere Liberal and a feminist), which included handing me the photocopied article from a magazine interview with a Palestinian terrorist who expressed the goal of moving to England and becoming a computer programmer after he was done terrorizing Jews. (Well, I considered him a terrorist anyway. The guidance counselor and the magazine clearly did not consider his actions as "terror.")

She also gave me another photocopied article of a secular Leftist Israeli who'd gone undercover as an Arab to see how it feels. Needless to say, it did not present a balanced picture.

Guess who were the poor sympathetic victims and who were the bad guys?

When I discussed this slanted hit-job with her later, addressing some of the more blatant and suspicious parts, she merely looked saddened at my inability to accept the facts as she saw them.

She also seemed confused by my opinion that the reporter's strong Leftist bias made him, well, biased.

Interestingly, despite the obvious middot work I needed to do, handing me these skillfully written propaganda pieces was the most proactive she'd ever been about changing my thought patterns.

And I'm still trying to remember if it was she who lent me a book written by a Reform rabbi, to influence me away from frumkeit...

Clearly, she only became concerned enough to leave aside the facilitative listening and influence me was when I looked toward become a more spiritual and moral person.

An Example of Truly Helpful Therapy for 1 Specific Issue

Later, in my 20s, I confided in a rebbetzin my unrelenting anxiety in a specific area. When she saw she wasn't able to help me, she set up a meeting with a frum female therapist who specialized in this issue (which was the responsible thing to do, and I was grateful to her for caring enough to do it).

This frum therapist also offered first appointments for free, so even though she knew this would likely be a one-time meeting, she still offered that time free of charge.

After I explained my anxiety, she got straight to the core of the issue with the help of a few insightful questions, then she addressed my issue with conviction in a convincing & thoughtful manner.

She thoroughly answered every concern I had about the issue, completely reassuring me.

With this particular weight lifted from my heart, I went on with my life and did not need another visit.

Perhaps this is a good example of what has been mentioned in previous posts: Therapy can be helpful for certain issues, but not necessarily for overall self-improvement (although it can do that too to a point).

While this particular issue ended up completely resolved in 1 session of therapy, I did not leave her office a better person than when I'd entered it.

I felt better (about this issue, anyway), but I wasn't actually a better person overall.

(And this says nothing bad about the therapist because the only goal of the session was to focus on this one issue, and not to work on myself overall.)

Lots of Money & Time with Very Little Benefit

Later, I went to another frum therapist over the course of a few months. She wasn't able to help me with that issue overall, but she did open my eyes to a certain negative behavior I'd unconsciously adopted.

Stunned by the realization, I quickly got to work on it.

That was an actual aspect of middot work. But just one and the main issue I'd come for wasn't helped even one bit (as far as I can remember).

Then I decided to continue with her regarding another issue, that of my fear of being the victim of a terror attack. (This was around the time suicide bombers were blowing up buses and kiosks, I knew people who almost victims of these attacks, so it wasn't an irrational fear.)

After cheerfully explaining how she personally did not relate to this fear, and cheerfully including a personal anecdote to show just how much she could not personally empathize, she agreed to work with me on it anyway.

Needless to say, this did not last long. Maybe I met with her once or twice more.

I think there is a tremendous pull in being listened to and also being liked. Because she listened to me & indicated that she liked me, I remember her fondly despite the fact that she was only of little help practically.

Should you pay hundreds (or even thousands of the course of months or years) for that?

I suppose that if you can easily afford to and you really crave being listened to and liked...well, I honestly don't know.

But you should at least know what you're paying for – and I think that the enjoyment of the therapist's caring and validation masks the reality that many people are not getting as much practical help from therapy as they feel they are.

The truth is, plain old therapy cannot really remedy a rational fear.

Hashem is really the only answer to fear.

Had she decided to learn Gate of Bitachon from Chovot Halevavot with me, or any other relevant chapters from other mussar books, it would've been much more helpful.

However, she herself would need to be on that level and in that frame of mind in order to give over such concepts.

(Although it could also be that just learning them together and speaking them out loud would've still been very helpful, even without her being able to project it. After all, the message of these great Sages comes through no matter what.)

Happier People aren't Necessarily Better People

The daughter of an incredibly wealthy secular family became suicidally depressed.

This is actually not so surprising as she was raised by a very self-righteous & distant mother (who was occasionally abusive) and hung out with other obnoxiously wealthy & decadent "friends" who held few morals and little meaning in their lives...which consisted of achieving good grades, while indulging in hard drugs and hefker behavior outside of school.

So she went to a very expensive & highly regarded secular doctor-psychologist.

Indeed, he helped her get out of her depression. She no longer wished to kill herself, and she not only rose out of her depression, but she charmed others with her funny & bubbly persona.

She also felt like therapy really helped her. She felt like her therapist saved her life (and he did).

Yet however much she felt better and happier, she was not a better person.

She continued to dabble in "soft" drugs, engage in appallingly hefker behavior (including becoming the mistress of a man she KNEW FROM THE FIRST was married with a child, then tried to wreck his marriage when he decided to stop the affair to return to his wife), and so on with behaviors that were either self-destructive or other-destructive.

Again, despite therapy saving her life and making her a happier person, therapy certainly did not make her a better person.

Physical Abuse? Cured! Emotional Neglect? Well...

A childhood friend told me about how, due to behavioral problems with another sibling, her parents were coerced into therapy.

She thinks this is why the physical abuse she'd been experiencing until then stopped.

So though her parents both stopped whacking the kids, and she stopped living in fear of being hit, her parents never became loving or nurturing parents.

Her father still had a temper and her mother was still heartbreakingly uninterested.

She said she's grateful that the therapy somehow stopped the physical abuse (which she thinks wasn't really inner change, but perhaps just the threat of being reported), but at the same time, she felt it showed just how much her parents really did not care about her.

Who is the Focus?

One final point:

Many advisers tend to talk about themselves under the guise of helping you.

Although this is neither so logical or helpful (unless your personality or situation happen to be so similar to the adviser's that this actually gives you helpful direction or validation), it's understandable because good listening calls for tremendous focus & self-restraint.

So it's understandable that people who spend so much of their time listening to others might get overwhelmed with the required self-discipline and start going on about themselves when they either should be listening or be talking about you and your situation.

So even when it's not helpful, it's still understandable.

However, therapists can do this too.

And while it's still understandable for the reasons above, this kind of self-indulgence is especially inappropriate when you are paying them so much for the time.

I think this is a problem, whether you're asking for aitzah or therapy.

Just to clarify: IF their own sharing is MEANT to be helpful and IS helpful, then that's fine. It can be really good.

But if it's just an emotional indulgence of theirs, that's not what you're there for.

Uh-Oh...I'm Even Worse Than I Thought!

When I first started doing hitbodedut and a real cheshbon hanefesh, I was struck with the profound realization of what bad middah was at the core of my negative behaviors.

I had never considered myself to have a problem with that particular middah (other middot, yes; this one, no), yet here it was in all its shocking starkness.

Interestingly, this issue never came up in any therapy session, it was never noticed by my parents or friends or my husband, and it never even came up with my mentor-rebbetzin who'd helped me so much with real middot work and self-improvement.

I don't want to say what it was, but let's use another example:

Let's say that I have problems with anger & spreading rumors, I enjoy making nasty barbs at others, and struggle a lot with giving the benefit of the doubt. (Ew, what a nasty person!)

(BTW, conventional therapy would diagnose me as suffering from low self-esteem and work on making me feel better about myself to stop the negative behaviors – which, as discussed above, doesn't ultimately help.)

So maybe I think my core problematic middot are anger, a sadistic streak (i.e. the middah of achzariyut/cruelty), and cynicism. And people who know me well might agree.

But when I do a raw cheshbon hanefesh in hitbodedut, I discover that I have a serious problem with envy. (Again, NOT the problem I discovered. This is a decoy.)

But wait – I never considered myself an envious person before! In fact, I always thought that envy was the LEAST of my problems!

And now, I am faced with the realization that not only is envy a problem for me, it is actually a HUGE problem and the root cause of my other bad middot.

(Meaning, most of the time rage boiled over, it had to do with envy. The nasty barbs and rumor-mongering emanated from envy, etc. Again, all theoretical.)

Again, these weren't my exact issues, but looking back, I don't blame anyone (including professionals) for not having cottoned on to one of the main middot I needed to fix.

It's was disguised by several other bad middot.

And in hindsight, I honestly don't see that it would've been picked up on in therapy.

Also, when you first stumble across a bad middah, you can be plunged into terrible shame, which might be a barrier when you're working via another person.

But it's okay because Hashem already knew this about you and anyway, HE was the One who planted it within you (so it's not really your fault that you have it, although you still have a responsibility to fix it).

So you can deal with the shame that way.

In fact, once you've discovered the middah and felt ashamed, you can now be really happy with this evidence that you are such a wonderful person who works on yourself so sincerely, and that Hashem loves you so much for doing so, and you've also sweetened dinim just by doing this.

Anyway, I don't blame anyone for never catching it.

It merely proved to me the importance of doing your own work on yourself in private with Hashem.

Conclusion

So I hope that clarifies things more.

Like I've said before, I think that therapy can be helpful for spot-cleaning specific issues.

After all, it helped me with a couple of specific issues and I've seen others helped too.

However, I've seen time and again that fixing a specific issue often does not lead to overall self-improvement.

Even feeling better or feeling happier does not automatically lead to overall better behavior.

(Along these lines, I could tell you a couple of stories of the hurtful behavior of cheerful people on antidepressants. Not the homicidal behavior of a minority, but the routine verbal behavior of many on antidepressants who indeed feel happier, but really should tape up their mouths. So they feel really good, but sometimes behave very badly WHILE feeling really good!)

If it addresses an actual middah, then yes, it can lead to self-improvement (although there are other middot that need to be addressed; rare is the person who only has one problematic middah).

And as has been mentioned in previous posts, statistics show that, for example, most divorced couples invested in marital therapy prior to divorce (i.e., the therapy did not help the marriage).

The same issues apply when going to any adviser for help.

Whether they realize it or not, many people invest in therapy to feel better, whether they actually become better people or not.

If you're in a situation in which you crave the relief gained from pouring out your heart to a sympathetic listener AND you can afford to pay someone for this...well, okay. I honestly don't know.

Ultimately, I think it's good to be aware of:

what you're really in therapy for
what the therapist can honestly do for you
what you can get out of it
how to deal the difference between feeling better & truly being a better person

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The Main Reason for Hatred & How to Turn It Around

13/1/2020

8 Comments

The Best Advice on How to Destroy Your Bad Middot without Destroying Yourself

10/1/2020

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The #1 Ultimate Way to Alleviate Suffering in This World (and it sure ain't easy and maybe even seems impossible, but even a little bit still helps)

9/1/2020

4 Comments

At one point, I was feeling all out of sorts and having a difficult time lifting myself out of the doldrums and despondency.

So I did what a lot of people do, and I decided to open up at random a book written by a tzaddik and use that as a direct message from Hashem about how I should proceed.

People do this with the Chumash, the Lubavitcher Rebbe's letters, Rebbe Nachman's Likutei Moharan – anything written by either Hashem or one of His tzaddikim will work.

I chose Volume I of Words of Faith by Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender because his words always speak to me so meaningfully, and I always feel he's so full of love and understanding.

Page 133 turned up with the sub-heading:
Thinking of Tachlis Alleviates Harsh Devotions

"Tachlis" can be translated as "the Ulitmate Goal" – meaning, completing your own rectifications, sweetening and bringing the Geula, influencing Am Yisrael & the world positively (albeit invisibly), and earning yourself a fabulous portion in the World to Come.

Rav Bender starts off this section by discussing how holy men in his time were able to carry out such harsh devotions, like immersing in a roofless mikveh among chunks of ice. Or doing hitbodedut outside in a forest for hours in searingly cold weather while hopping from foot to foot just to prevent freezing to death.

The answer is:

The more a person is bound to Tachlis [Ultimate Goal], the easier it is for him to serve Hashem Yisbarach. Despite all the difficulties and toil, the pain and suffering – thinking of Tachlis turns it all to a good sweet life...

(Full disclaimer: Needless to say, we're discussing an idea that is way, way beyond me right now. So I'm going to quote Rav Bender directly throughout this post so you can get it straight from his pure & holy heart.)

Despite how far we feel from this level, it is still a good goal to keep in mind.

Rav Avigdor Miller spoke a lot of focusing on all the wonders and pleasures of Hashem's world. Mesillat Yesharim spoke of how we are supposed to take pleasure in This World, even though that is very difficult for many of us, practically speaking.

But it is a beneficial goal.

It's a quintessentially Jewish idea at the root of our whole system of emunah & daas.

And this is the paradox we live in.

Rav Bender goes on to acknowledge that "The world is filled with pain and bitterness."

Correct! Couldn't have said it better.

For indeed there is strong bitterness in this world. It is there whatever you do...

Exactly.

Then Rav Bender says (pg. 134):

However, when one is bound to the Tachlis, he doesn't experience any bitterness and difficulty... It is possible to jump into a frozen mikveh, to rip raw wounds easily... Because the heart that is attached Above in a strong bond doesn't feel any pain.

Why the Heck is This Uplifting?

Why IS this uplifting?

Many of us might feel like this is yet another level we can never reach.

Like, "Uh, binding myself to the Tachlis and attaching my heart Above in such a strong bond that I no longer feel any pain? Well, gosh. Yet another thing to just plain fail at again...thanks a lot."

But the truth is that knowing that the joy is out there can bring a glimmer of light to a long, dark, claustrophobic tunnel.

The truth is that people who have worked on connecting to Hashem, finding meaning in yissurim, and focusing on the Tachlis tend to be happier and deal with suffering better than those who don't do this at all.

Yes, they may still find themselves down in the dumps at times.

But they are still better off overall.

Furthermore, people who at least try to fulfill this idea find themselves not only behaving better, but actually feeling better in situations that used to stress them out.

People who at least work on binding themselves to the Tachlis (or whatever words they use to describe it) will tell you that there are situations that used to hurt them or really throw them off balance, and now those same situations either make them laugh or they respond with emotional equanimity.

Not with EVERYTHING, but I personally know people for whom this is true at least some of the time.

I'm not talking about repressing or lying to themselves or faking their outer behavior (although there is also value in the "fake it 'til ya make it" method).

I'm talking about regular people who affected such a real inner change in a particular area that their heart, their actual emotions truly changed (at least in some situations that previously used to knock them out of the game).

So whether or not we reach the level of "suffering without actually feeling any suffering whatsoever," connecting to this idea still can grant us extra light in our life, extra happiness, and more emotional equilibrium.

Connecting to this idea even a little can still make us better people, even if only in some small way (which is still a million times better than not improving at all).

The main way to do this, says Rav Bender throughout the book, is to talk to Hashem as you would a Best Friend who truly loves and understands you, and is always forgiving.

Why on Earth Do We Beg Hashem to Grant Tzaddikim a Good Reward?

Rav Bender brings a chiddush from another Breslov tzaddik, Rav Avraml.

In Shemoneh Esrei, we say, "V'Ten sachar tov l'chol habotchim b'Shimcha b'emet — And grant good reward to all those who trust in Your Name in truth."

Who are the people who trust in Hashem's Name "b'emet" – for real?

They are the people who live every moment with the Tachlis in mind. Their hearts are always connected Above.

And who are they?

Our tzaddikim!

But think about that for a moment.

Why on earth do we need to beg Hashem 3 times a day to grant TZADDIKIM a good reward?

After all, they're tzaddikim.

Of course they get reward! If they don't, then who does?

The answer is: They live in a state of sweetness.

Suffering doesn't pain them.

So how can suffering atone for them?

As Rav Bender explains: "not only do they not feel the pain of meaningless worldly suffering, they also experience good life."

What's more, we have further elucidation from Rav Yaakov HaLevi Dov (who attended the shiur from which this page was transcribed & apparently said the following in the middle of this shiur):

The idea here outlined is in line with a statement of the Rebbe:

The World to Come – we believe in.

But "This World" – those who have it good here – he does not see. Only Gehinnom...

Meaning, the average person goes through so much worldly suffering that it cannot really be said that he "lives it up" in a secular sense.

However, tzaddikim – who merit to live with constant awareness of Tachlis – are able to enjoy life while here too.

Because they are connected to what life is really about and they live on a higher plane...

And that's why we need to beg Hashem to still grant them a good reward: Even though they're experiencing pleasure and not the cleansing pain of yissurim (suffering), their enjoyment still shouldn't detract from their Ultimate Reward.

So that's where it's at.

And I don't think I'm anywhere near this level, and I still have my falls, but I do see that at least attempting to grasp onto this concept really does help at least a little.

And hopefully, people will take from Rav Bender's words whatever they're able, whatever level they happen to be at right now, b'ezrat Hashem.

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What to Do When It's Just You against the Giant Whirlpool of Mud

3/10/2019

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"I have sunk in a whirlpool & there is no place to stand..."

-Tehillim/Psalm 69:3

The word translated here as "whirlpool" is metzulah in the original text.

Rashi and others translate it as like a muddy mire (more companionable with the previous post).

But Rav Avraham ibn Ezra describes it as in the middle of the sea -- a whirlpool.

Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender acknowledges the simple meaning of the verse:

This person is not only in the terrible quandary of getting stuck in a whirlpool; he can't even stand there — there is additional pain & suffering.

All hope seems lost.

How to Win the Massively Unfair Fight between You & the Giant Muddy Whirlpool

But the Breslover Sages provided an insightful twist on these words:

"There is no place to stand" can also mean that one is not stuck there.

Do not stand in place.

Rav Bender exhorts (Words of Faith Vol. I, pg. 405):

"Deal with it and wrestle and make all effort to get out."

Rav Bender explains that even if all the person sees is mud and he simply cannot wrench himself free, however hard he tries...nonetheless, if he remains stuck and does not move to free himself, "he will certainly sink deeper with no possibility of being saved, chas v'shalom."

The way of struggling is one foot in, one foot out.

"I give a blow, I take a blow," says Rav Bender.

Taking a blow or getting caught in the mud, getting all wet & dirty — this itself is the nisyon, it's not the final judgement on you.

Too many people condemn us when they see us struggling and muddy.

Heck, we condemn ourselves for our clumsy desperate flailing & our muddily soaked appearance.

But according to Rav Bender and according to David Hamelech, that's not how Hashem sees things at all.

Rav Bender insists that the main thing is to try. We must be strong and ensure that last foot steps out...

As long as we WANT to escape the muddy whirlpool and the mire, as long as we TRY to free ourselves, we're beautiful to Hashem.

And He'll make us win in the end.

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The #1 Thing to Keep Doing When You Find Yourself Sinking in Mud

2/10/2019

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"Know this: Whatever state a person might be in, when he wages constant war — the main thing is who wins in the end, who shoots the last bullet..."

-Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender
Words of Faith Vol. I, pg. 404

One of the most discouraging aspects of self-improvement is the up-and-down aspect of doing teshuvah.

It feels manic-depressive: When you're up, you can feel high as a kite.

When you're down, you can hate both yourself & the world.

Of course, the ups and downs may not always be as extreme as that, but it can still be discouraging if, for example, your Rosh Hashanah davening was full of flavor & inspiration, then the 10 Days of Teshuvah see you waking up on the wrong foot and feeling generally irritable or despondent.

Or maybe you wake up with a song in your heart, but throughout the day, events get you down and you go to bed feeling like a failure.

It helps a lot to know that this is a NATURAL part of the process, and not necessarily a negative reflection on the innate "you."

The Mud Parable

Rav Bender explains that it's like being stuck in a type of sinking mud-bog.

If you just stand there, you will surely sink deeper and deeper.

But if you try to wrangle one foot out?

Ah, now there's hope!

Yes, you're still in the mud.

But at least you resist getting swallowed whole.

So you end up in this wonky balancing act: You're up to your knees in mud and you've got one foot in and one foot out. And then you switch them. And then you switch them again. And again.

It's exhausting, it's messy...but it's exactly what you're supposed to be doing.

For many of us, whether we realize it or not, there's actually no other choice.

And the Winner is...The Exhausted Muddy Person Still Sunk in the Bog, But Who at Least has ONE Foot OUT!

Rav Bender explains that as long as a person has one foot out of the mud, there is hope that this last act will be in his favor, that he will win.

"One foot in, one foot out. But the main thing is that the last foot should be outside."

It sounds so strange, but this is the pure unadulterated truth:

Despite the fact that the rest of you is covered with mud and still caught in the bog, that mere one foot out declares you a winner.

But how can you know with all the constant switching, that the last foot will be out in the end?

Rav Bender assures us that it all depends on your desire. Ratzon.

If you really wholeheartedly want to get out of the mud, you will win in the end.

You can't know when — hopefully, it will be soon with a sweet Geula — but as long as you really want it, you WILL win in the end.

Related post:
Spiritual Bipolar Disorder - Part 1

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<<Previous

You as the Star of the Most Terrifying Zombie Movie

You in a Tear-Jerking Scene of the Historic Movie

You as a Thrilling Climax of the Historic Movie

"One foot in, one foot out. ​But the main thing is that the last foot should be outside."

"IF One Means It in TRUTH..."

3 Lessons Learned from This Brief Yet Revealing Exchange

Striving to be a Man When There are No Longer Any "Men"

"Even if chalilah v'chas you are wicked — don't remain alone... Do not look at yourself as wicked. Then the end will be good — it will certainly be good."

Going Back in Time for Some Personal Anecdotes

An Example of Truly Helpful Therapy for 1 Specific Issue

Lots of Money & Time with Very Little Benefit

Happier People aren't Necessarily Better People

Physical Abuse? Cured! Emotional Neglect? Well...

Who is the Focus?

Uh-Oh...I'm Even Worse Than I Thought!

Conclusion

Why the Heck is This Uplifting?

Why on Earth Do We Beg Hashem to Grant Tzaddikim a Good Reward?

"I have sunk in a whirlpool & there is no place to stand..."-Tehillim/Psalm 69:3

How to Win the Massively Unfair Fight between You & the Giant Muddy Whirlpool

"Know this: Whatever state a person might be in, when he wages constant war — the main thing is who wins in the end, who shoots the last bullet..."-Rav Levi Yitzchak BenderWords of Faith Vol. I, pg. 404

The Mud Parable

And the Winner is...The Exhausted Muddy Person Still Sunk in the Bog, But Who at Least has ONE Foot OUT!

Myrtle Rising

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"One foot in, one foot out.
But the main thing is that the last foot should be outside."

"I have sunk in a whirlpool & there is no place to stand..."

-Tehillim/Psalm 69:3

"Know this: Whatever state a person might be in, when he wages constant war — the main thing is who wins in the end, who shoots the last bullet..."

-Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender
Words of Faith Vol. I, pg. 404