One of the big mistakes of secular psychology is the idea that you can’t really change because you are "diseased" or "traumatized" or "abused" or the child of an alcoholic/etc.

(You may indeed by traumatized or have been abused or be the child of an alcoholic, but that is not all you are. It isn't even the main part of who you are, even though it may understandably feel like an overwhelming part of you at times.)

In addiction therapy, clients are often programmed to see themselves forevermore as addicts.
 
In today’s world, a person who hasn’t had one drink in 10 years will still call himself an alcoholic.
 
“Alcoholism is a disease,” they’ll tell you. “It advances within your body even when you’re not drinking. That’s why if you have a few drinks after several years of abstinence, you’ll get drunk much faster and feel sicker.”
 
Ooh, it all sounds so sinister!
 
The thing is, the reason why you get drunker and sicker after 3 beers rather than your former 8 is because you built up tolerance back then and needed more to get you drunk. Now your tolerance is way down (baruch Hashem!) and so it all hits you harder and faster. No disease, just normal body chemistry.
 
This Western idea of defining people by one negative trait, even when they do everything they can to resist that trait, is very damaging—because it just isn’t true.
 
YOU are not an alcoholic when you’ve been sober for 10 years.

YOU are your soul, which emanates from a special place in Heaven.

I mean, what do you think your soul was doing back in the Heichal Haneshamot (Palace of Souls)? Swigging back martinis? Nope!
 
I read about a former alcoholic who insisted on having one beer a day just for the discipline of not having a second beer. He did this for years and never got drunk.
Is he an alcoholic?
 
In Judaism, we have the idea of a “baal [fill-in-the-blank].”

“Baal” means “master of” or “owner of.” It also means “husband,” so it implies that you are married to the trait.

• A person consumed with pride is called a “baal gaava.”
• A person consumed with base physical desire is called a “baal taava.”
• A person addicted to lashon hara is a “baal lashon hara.”

Not someone who occasionally indulges in the above or someone who struggles hourly fighting the above. But someone who genuinely and regularly indulges in the above.
 
Yet there is the good side too:

• A person consumed with emuna is called a “baal emuna.”
• A person just bursting to the seams with good traits is called a “baal middot.”
• A particularly generous donator of charity is called a “baal tzedakah.”
• And a person who has repented of his sinful ways is called a “baal teshuvah.”

 
If you no longer drink yourself into oblivion, you are not an alcoholic, nor are you a recovering alcoholic. You are a baal teshuvah (at least in this area).
 
In fact, there is an idea in Judaism that true teshuvah transforms you into a new creation. Meaning that you yourself are a new entity of sorts, spiritually speaking.
 
This idea that you are always an addict of some sort, a recovering [fill-in-the-blank], or anything else negative is fear-based thinking. It means that you always have to be vigilant because you could come crashing down at any moment, no matter how much work you’ve done on yourself and no matter how much progress you’ve made.
 
All your efforts and investment are pretty much meaningless because you are an alcoholic.
 
Except that you aren’t.
 
Yes, Rebbe Nachman of Breslov said that this world is a very narrow bridge…BUT.
He also said in the same sentence that the main thing is to have NO FEAR AT ALL.
 
(In the interest of full disclosure, I actually have a lot of fears and anxieties. But my goal is to rid myself of them. NO FEAR is my destination of choice.)
 
Pride also plays a part in this. People overcoming a trait often take a great deal of pride in doing so.

But really, we should feel pleasure, not pride. It’s great to feel pleasure at overcoming your demons and to feel flushed with gratitude at how much Hashem, in His Great Love for you, is helping you overcome all your stuff.
 
But people can get so dependent on that burst of pride they feel every time they overcome their anger/alcoholism/envy/fear/laziness/etc, that they just focus on that and can’t see much beyond it.
 
This “Damaged-and-Doomed” Model so popular in Psychology is neither true nor helpful. In fact, I think it’s telling that they insist that the only road to healing is to spend years paying LOTS of money to your therapist, who promotes this model.
 
Self-serving? Not consciously so, but yeah.
 
You are not your flaws.
 
As long as you are consciously working on rectifying your flaws with Hashem, you are NOT defined by that flaw.

Yes, you may act out in wonky ways sometimes because of how bad experiences have affected you. You may feel worn out from fighting your demons all the time.
 
However...

You are not an alcoholic, a druggie, a pothead, a heretic, a liar, a bum, a hopeless case, a manic-depressive, a Narcissist, a space cadet, a jerk, a glutton, a [female dog], a klutz, a wimp, or anything else as long as you are actively trying not to be one.
 
Even if you sometimes fall on your face as you struggle, those falls do not define you.

You are not your flaws.

One part in particular stood out, a letter from the Chafetz Chaim regarding the behavior of those still sincerely committed to Torah amidst all the heresy and spiritual rebellion:

The Chafetz Chaim, in his great humility, included himself in that description even though his dedication toward Am Yisrael is legendary:

• He wrote beautiful and compelling books that are still studied and taken to heart almost a century later by the majority of religious Jews.
• He beseeched the Heavens and fasted for days on end—and did so repeatedly—for the sake of Jews whom he barely knew.
• His tenderness and understanding toward individual Jews of any age and status is still spoken of.

 
And the religious people of whom he spoke had their hands tied in so many ways as described in the book. (Really, what can you do as Rosh Yeshivah of Slutsk if one of your boys pulls out a gun and thus forces the entire yeshivah to listen as he blabs on about the joys of socialism?) What could they have done?

Engrossed in their daled amot. Engrossed. Not trapped and not looking out in dismay at the world crumbling around them. Willfully engrossed within their own world.
 
Just like me.

Yes, it hit me like that. He was talking about me.
 
Yes, I daven for other people. I have a list of sick, the captive, and the spiritually distant for whom I daven. I’ve davened many times for the benefit and salvation of Am Yisrael and even for the sincere Noachides. I repeatedly ask Hashem to bring all of Am Yisrael (including myself) to do teshuvah out of love, and not through of any suffering or humiliation.
 
But it’s not enough.
 
Why?
 
Well, what do you think I do almost every time I see:

• mention of the Women of the Wall, led by that glory-seeking atheist hypocrite?
• Or whenever I read about Christian missionizing in Eretz Yisrael?
• Or read about the encroachment of the Conservative/Reform movements, especially with regard to giyur/conversion?
• Or the IDF enlistment of girls, in particular the spike of religious girls who want to serve in combat (which is problematic on so many levels, it deserves a post of its own)?
• Or Charedi-looking Jews (REAL ones and not government provocateurs in disguise) acting like thuggish vandals out of a sense of unearned piety?
• Or anything along those lines?

I flee.

I flee into myself, I turn the page, I find another distraction, I fleetingly muse, “Oh, we just need to daven more and Hashem will take care of it…” (without immediately davening myself!).
 
Why?
 
Because these things cause me so much pain.

But even more, they make me very, very, very ANGRY.

And there’s nowhere to put that anger.
(Actually, there is. I could channel it into passionate prayer. But because the anger is so painful, I don't even do that much.)

And there’s nothing practical to do.

Demonstrations or confrontations? I get depleted in the worst way from the atmosphere and emotional upheaval the comes from such things—and it doesn’t change anything. People just hate you and whatever you stand for even more than they did before…and they can fight back in the worst way. They are capable of doing things that you, as a decent person, will not contemplate.
(Although the hundreds of sincere female religious worshipers who came to the Kotel to pray with sincerity in the face of the Women of the Wall was a nice idea that worked out well.)

Nor is there anyone to talk to.

The leaders are completely corrupt and consumed with narcissism. And their groupies…well, I know what their groupies are like having grown up with feminism, Conservative/Reform and all the rest, and having dealt with these people after I became frum. I know exactly how sincere, yet exactly how brainwashed and needy they are, and how unwilling they are to really hear the other side of things.

Unless they approach you, or unless they are already on a quest for truth, then there really is no point in addressing the issues because you’ll just come away feeling even worse, they'll despise you, and all for nothing.
 
Having been one myself, I know how self-righteous and determined they are while possessing very little actual knowledge.
 
On the other hand, I’ve spent years increasingly delving into classic Torah sources in the original Hebrew—and not by rote, but really thinking about what these great Torah Sages had to say to us and what they really meant and how to apply it today—because it is applicable today, despite what even some otherwise respectable charedi Orthodox Jews might tell you.
 
So, here is a picture of my world before I discovered Torah-true Judaism:

Ironically, I was consistently indoctrinated that the above is beautiful, colorful ("See? Look at the pretty red rose in the foreground!"), full of light and is the pinnacle of all there is.
 
Then I discovered Torah-true Judaism and it looked like this:

And I was amazed to see what color and light and beauty really looked like, even as it still looked kind of overcast and damp.

But the more I learned, the more I was dismayed and shocked at how much I’d been lied to (all with the best of intentions of course, by people who were just as deluded and deceived as I’d been).
 
And as I delved deeper and deeper, it started looking more like this:

And it’s only getting more expansive and awe-inspiring.

(Of course, I must also disclaim any rose-colored glasses. I see the warts in the frum world. I really do. But the actual Torah, the halacha, the real wisdom from real Sages, the increasing closeness to Hashem? It looks full of expansive color and beauty.)
 
And every time I read about the very disturbing issues listed above, all I can think is that they want to completely demolish everything and revert everything back to this while I’m sitting in the middle of it:

I can’t tell you how horrible the very idea is.

After all this expanse, color, and beauty, I kick and scream against having to ever go back to that dark gray ugly world again.
 
So it’s very easy for me to sit at home with my emuna and mussar books, surrounded by Torah-observant neighbors of whom I’m very fond, in my neighborhood which is designed especially for Jews like me, where Shabbat is a truly beautiful and peaceful place with no cars or stereos and the sound of different melodies of love-songs to Hashem flow out from open windows on Shabbat night, and to blog about emuna and the Kli Yakar and think I’m doing enough, and to blind myself to the ugly muddy tsunami that is rising around the pretty bubble of my own daled amot.

I’m wrong.
 
And the words of the Chafetz Chaim woke me up to that.
 
The people are drowning! And where am I?
Engrossed in my own daled amot, thank you very much.
 
But it’s not right. I’m basically sitting here as if thinking,
I can’t swim out that far. Anyway, there are sharks in the water and those drowning will just lob a spear into or upend my inflatable lifeboat, drowning me along with them. So I’ll just keep on doing my own personal best and hope that will weigh the scales to the side of merit.
 
Wrong! says the Chafetz Chaim. I need to care about all those lost Jews enough to pound the Heavens for their sake. Instead of running away from the disturbing news, I need to shout out to Hashem,
“STOP! I protest this madness! I protest this destruction! You must please turn these precious Jews around right now! You must please wake them up now and with a great deal of gentleness and kindness because they obviously can’t do it on their own! And while You're at it, if You could also gently shake me awake to do COMPLETE teshuvah from love, I'd be very grateful!”
 
If I really loved and cared about the people outside my own daled amot, this is what I would do. And b'ezrat Hashem, I'll already start.

I was thinking a lot recently about how different people react to different events and circumstances.
 
Two people can have similar personalities and go through the same events and traumas, and one will take the high road while the other will take the low road.
 
It seems that there are differences at the soul level. Obviously, someone like the Arizal was born with a particularly lofty soul while others possess a not-as-lofty soul even though it is still a holy one.
 
Certainly, classic Jewish sources discuss the idea of how the right kavanot pull down holy souls for conception. A Jewish couple who come together in genuine love and respect will pull down a higher soul. There are stories of tzaddikim whose kavanot pulled down very special souls into their children.
 
At the same time, our Sages also discuss how certain states pull down blemished souls. A child conceived while the mother is niddah, with a non-Jewish partner or any other forbidden partner, while either parent is angry or fantasizing about someone else or drunk, or if the woman is coerced…any of these will pull down a blemished soul.
 
And what of cases in which we have several generations of Jews conceived in niddah? What kinds of souls are these? And it doesn’t just affect Jews from secular upbringings. FFBs can make mistakes in taharat hamishpacha, or conceive children in any of the forbidden states mentioned above.
 
In other words, there are no guarantees regardless of yichus.
 
Of course, this doesn’t mean that the soul is condemned to lowliness for life. A blemish can certainly be cleaned and purified.
Such a soul simply has more work to do to get it up to par. Tanach and midrashim contain stories of very great people who were conceived in less than ideal circumstances.

A lot of hard and sincere spiritual work can rectify a soul and bring it to its innate full potential.

(As far as I know, the blemish of the mamzer, a child born of an adulterous union between a married woman and her partner, is one that cannot be rectified within the mamzer's lifetime. The state of mamzerut remains and can be passed on through one's children unless certain measures are taken to prevent this.)

I also wonder about conversion, which pulls down a holy Jewish soul where there was once a non-Jewish soul. How does that work? We see that there are converts with mind-boggling dedication to Torah, far beyond that which most born Jews could withstand, such as written about in The Secret Saga of a Righteous Convert.

Yet there are others who are quite tepid in their observance, seemingly trying to hold on to as much of the non-Jewish stuff as they can, or to revert back to their non-Jewish ways when the going gets rough (though most deal somewhere between these two extremes).
 
Some female converts told me that upon going to the Israeli Rabbanut to sort things out before their upcoming marriage, they are shocked to learn of something possibly amiss in their conversion certificate or experience, and are directed to undergo another immersion in the mikveh just to make sure everything is 100% kosher. As odd as it is to go in for a conversion a week or two before your marriage and after you’ve been fully observant and in a very frum seminary for the past few years, such converts also express a feeling of reassurance.

“Because my child’s Judaism will be defined through me,” say the female converts, “it’s essential that my own status be unquestionable.”

And they also relate that they were able to immerse and say the blessing with even more kavanah now that they had learned and experienced even more about Torah Judaism.

So what’s up with that? Did they receive a whole new soul…again? Or was the Jewish soul they originally received upon the first conversion immersion strengthened or re-purified?

Really, I have no clue and I don’t even know where to start looking. But it is interesting!

To make things even more complex and fascinating, parts of more than one soul can bond together to make a new soul comprised of these different souls. (I think this can explain past-life memories that recall copious past lives or remember two different lives occurring within the same time period.)

Furthermore, there are Erev Rav souls and Erev Rav soul-sparks among us.
 
In the Tanya of Lubavitcher chassidus (Igeret Hakodesh, Chapter/Epistle 26), it explains that after Mashiach comes (but before Techiyat Hametim/Resurrection of the Dead), the Jewish souls will merit to taste from the Tree of Life (i.e. the penimiyut of Torah) and thus will automatically know the revealed mitzvot in the same way that Avraham Avinu intuited the revealed mitzvot long before the Torah was actually given on Har Sinai. And because in this state, they will no longer suffer forgetfulness, they’ll have no need to review as we do now. Instead, Jews will occupy themselves with the deeper hidden aspects of Torah.
 
However, the Erev Rav, who will not taste from the Tree of Life, will need to occupy themselves with Mishnah (all the laws deduced from the Torah) in order to weaken the power of the Sitra Achra (the Dark Side, so to speak). Apparently, even after Mashiach comes, the Erev Rav will still be caught up in their inclinations to sin and will need to hold on tight to Torah learning in order to strengthen themselves against the Yetzer Hara—just as regular Jews do now.
 
Rivka Levy’s book Unlocking the Secret of the Erev Rav: The Mixed Multitude in Jewish Kabbalah, goes into this more, but apparently the Erev Rav souls are Jewish, but they’re a few steps behind the souls of a Yisrael—a Jew. So if I understand the Tanya correctly, after Mashiach comes, the Erev Rav will ascend to the level where regular Jews are holding now, and regular Jews will be on the level of Avraham Avinu.
 
May such a time come soon!
 
(You can also find out more about what traditional Jewish sources like the Kli Yakar say about the Erev Rav by clicking on the “Erev Rav” option in the "Categories" section in the sidebar on the mid-to-upper right.)

Anyway, we clearly have a wide variety of souls bobbing around the world right now. Long ago, our Sages predicted that all the souls would need to come down into the world for their final chance at rectification before Mashiach comes and we’re seeing this now.
 
Sometimes, a person’s soul is so lofty, its light shines through all its owner’s grime. You sometimes see secular Jews who behave with greatness and light. You also see struggling or downtrodden frum Jews who seem to have something special to them, like a great soul that hasn’t yet realized its potential.
 
On the other hand, you may also see highly respected Orthodox Jews in important positions, but when you look them in the eye, it’s opaque as if there’s nothing there inside. Or they are surprisingly superficial or shallow (even if they are academically very intelligent or possess sharp administrative skills) or cynical or quarrelsome or snobby.
 
Because of this, we all need to have a lot of patience both with ourselves and others.
 
We don’t know what kind of soul we have and the long road of rectifications necessary for our soul.

We also don’t know what other people are dealing with and what they are meant to be doing.
 
Of course, we know that, for example, every Jew must keep Shabbat. But we don’t know exactly how that is supposed to be expressed for a particular soul.

For example, does this particular soul need:

• …to take out Shabbat at the regular time or the later Rabbeinu Tam time?
• …Shabbat meals that consist of lots of divrei Torah or lots of singing zemirot? Or both?
• Lots of salads or lots of desserts or lots of kugels?
• Heavy on the meat or heavy or the fish or heavy on Cornish hens?
• A dignified formal meal served on fine china or a lively meal eaten from disposable dinnerware?
• Gefilte fish or spicy fish?
• Going all-out for big melaveh malka bash or taking 10 minutes for a piece of chocolate and a hot freshly made cup of coffee?

 
Furthermore, even if we know where someone is supposed to arrive (at mitzvah observance), we don’t know HOW they’re supposed to get there. For example, I’ve known young women who started off their mitzvah observance with Shabbat and learning the laws of lashon hara while still wearing pants. Others started off with Shabbat and wearing long skirts, but only focused on lashon hara later.

This is why it is so important to forge a relationship with Hashem and really discuss your issues with Him in order to get yourself sorted out, and why it is also vitally important to pray for others to do teshuvah from love and to complete their rectifications in this lifetime.

Because there is so much that we just don’t know.

Praying for others works.

If they have souls of Yisrael, then davening for them is a great act of sisterly or brotherly love and helps them to come closer to their soul's potential, which also sweetens harsh judgements and helps bring Mashiach faster.

If they have Erev Rav souls, then davening still helps. The Komarna Rebbe has said that davening for the Erev Rav to do teshuvah actually nullifies their power because the one holy spark that was holding them up gets sucked out (elevated out of them?) and they are rendered totally powerless.
This is described here and more fully in this book You are What You Hate.
(Disclaimer: While I have read many articles on that site, I have not actually read this book, although I would really like to.)

Yet as Unlocking the Secret of the Erev Rav posits, even that's not so simple because the Erev Rav soul-sparks seem to be mixed up within the souls of Yisrael.

So it's best to just use the most powerful weapon we have: heartfelt prayer.

After I quit my last job, I went through a phase where I couldn’t stop reading about personality disorders.
 
And I found it all both helpful and frustrating.
 
The thing is, without Hashem and a spiritual eye, the big picture simply cannot be seen.

(Interestingly, many of those pioneering the subject of personality disorders end up turning to spirituality, to God in some way, because they also saw that the strict rational views just weren't cutting it.)
 
For example, I object to the hair-splicing delineations of personality disorders:
“This one is Narcissist, but she’s a Borderline, yet this one suffers from Histrionic Personality Disorder, oh but THIS must be Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder…”
And so on.
 
You can even find entire discussions and books dedicated to hair-splitting over whether someone is Narcissist or Borderline.
 
Eventually, it became clear to me that the different categories were simply the effects of different personalities reflecting the same disorder.

Unfortunately, the field of mental health tends to depersonalize human beings. Whether people are emotionally healthy or not, we all tend to have different personalities with different skills, talents, strengths, and weaknesses.
 
For example, a more introverted person suffering from personality disorder would express it as “a covert narcissist” or be diagnosed with “Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder.”
 
An extrovert? Narcissist!
 
An emoting, melodramatic extrovert? Histrionic!
 
Furthermore, just the fact that experts realized that men tend to be diagnosed with Narcissist Personality Disorder while women are more likely to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder indicated to me that again, the difference in diagnosis tends to be in its expression.

Women tend to emote more than men, can be moodier, and so on, thus the diagnosis of Borderline in a personality disordered woman. And vice-versa regarding men, who tend to be more aggressive and see themselves as better-looking than they actually are, and so on.
 
In fact, if you look at a list of Borderline indications, it reads like a collection of negative feminine attributes while a list of Narcissist indications reads like a collection of negative masculine attributes.
 
Why? Well, to quote paleontologist Jack Horner: “Scientists have egos. They like to name things.”

So if your mind works that way, then you end up in highly detailed analyses which you then categorize under different labels.

And like anything else, this kind of mind its advantages and disadvantages.
 
But human beings simply don’t fit into these neat little boxes. The human soul is too profound and exalted, much to the frustration of much of the psychiatric and mental health community.
 
People with personality disorders can be:

• highly intelligent or borderline retarded
• math geniuses or renowned painters or bums on the street
• very secular or seem extremely religious
• impulsive flamboyant party animals or uptight disciplined ascetics
• disorganized messy dwellers or maintain picture-perfect homes with a flair for style
• outgoing and friendly or they can be shy and even snobby

The other problem was the language many people used to described Personality Disorders, such as:

• “They fear intimacy, so they can’t let you close.”
• “They just want to manipulate you.”
• “They consider themselves perfect and never wrong, so YOU must be wrong and to blame for everything.”
• “They need to be at the center of everything and control the relationships around them, so that’s why they triangulate.”
• “They fly into a rage when you show them incontrovertible proof of their misdeeds or manipulations because they hate being found out.”
• "They think of themselves as perfect. So if there's something wrong, it must be somebody's else fault."

 
It’s all true, but it’s generally only true on the unconscious level.
 
(Note: There is something labeled as “malignant narcissism,” which isn’t so different than actual sociopathy/psychopathy. Malignant narcissists do tend to be more aware and devious about how they are hurting people, but they still feel they are acting out of some sort of self-defense. They believe that they are somehow victims.)
 
For example, when a PD individual flies into a rage upon being confronted with obvious proof of his dysfunction, he isn’t thinking, “Oh no, I’ve been found out! But I still want to continue being secretly evil! So now I will fly into a rage in order to intimidate my confronter into denial!”
 
Instead, the rage comes instinctively. And this is also why they and their lies are so convincing: They genuinely believe they have been treated unfairly. In their heart of hearts, they believe that you have been mean and that you are actually victimizing them. No joke and no exaggeration.

If you ask a PD individual, "Do you think you're perfect?" They'll likely look taken aback and snap, "Of course not! Nobody's perfect. What do you think I am, a Narcissist?"
 
All the passive-aggressive things they do—and may even do with a smirk—are usually not as intentional as many people like to think. Discomfiting and even hurting people simply feels right to them. It doesn’t feel “evil” or “abusive.”
 
So all this language of “They want, they think, they need” is an imperfect expression of what’s really going on. Because they aren’t actually thinking or consciously wanting or needing anything beyond what they say.
 
Also, speaking this way reinforces the idea that the personality disordered person is aware, devious, and intentional in a way that they usually aren’t. People with personality disorders are infuriating enough to deal with. The situation doesn’t need to be made worse by implying an awareness and conscious effort that simply isn’t there.

(Although if it really is there, then that needs to be dealt with. But usually, it's not.)
 
For example, when personality disordered people start feeling a bond with you after you’ve treated them with kindness and warmth, they don’t think to themselves, “Oh no! I’m starting to feel close to this person! I’m even starting to trust this person! Gosh, that’s way too scary for me to handle! So I guess I’ll just kick her in the face! ANYTHING so as not to be tormented by this threatening feeling of trust and intimacy!”
 
No, they rarely think at all. Or, if they do think about it, it’s not in those terms. Instead, because it feels all wrong and unpleasant, they might start thinking:
“Gosh, this person is such a wimp/so fake/so weird/so pathetic/such a loser.”
And then they might start to consciously calculate how to play mindgames with you. They may even hone in on a flaw you have or something wrong (real or imagined) you did, which makes you a victimizer in their mind and gives them the right to target you.
 
Or not. They might just reflexively do or say something that shoves you away.
 
In addition, personality disorder of any kind is just a diagnosis.
It doesn’t mean it’s true.
It’s basically the view of the person diagnosing you, and who knows if that person is really qualified to judge you?
 
Finally, in my admittedly limited research, the diagnosis does little good.

The PDer is just fed into the victim mentality (“It’s a mental illness and therefore, not my fault”), even as they parrot all the right phrases of healthy accountability while other people (if knowledgeable in personality disorders) either dismiss the person as hopeless  because personality disorders can’t be cured according to psychology OR (if not knowledgeable about personality disorders) innocent people will use the diagnosis to justify and excuse any negative behavior committed by the Narcissist/Borderline/Whatever because “it’s a mental illness, so they can’t help it, so let’s just feel sorry for them and try to be more understanding and accommodating.”
 
So I use the term “personality disorder” or “personality disordered” or “PD” colloquially. For me, it’s a short cut to describe a certain kind of mindset.
And oftentimes, I just say "consistently dysfunctional" or "consistently difficult" or "impossible people" something like that.

Judaism doesn’t use the term “personality disorder.”
 
Yet it does utilize other ideas that are true and more helpful than what specialists will tell you about personality disorders and how to handle them.
 
Chazakah
Chazakah is the idea of doing something 3 times, making it a “chazakah.” You can do this for good behavior. You can ingrain good habits by repeating them consistently. For example, I noticed that if I can force a healthy response 3 times in a row, the formerly bad response breaks. (Yet that third time will be one heck of doozy! So a lot of times, I’ve managed two, then crashed on the third try. But if I do make it, then there’s a nice leap of improvement.) And it’s suddenly easier to respond properly from then onward.
 
Yet the same is true in a negative sense. And Judaism acknowledges this by saying the first time you sin, it feels bad. The second time, you feel it’s permissible. The third time you commit that same sin, it’s already a mitzvah.
 
This is why PDers feel no conscious guilt for their misdeeds. (Even though deep down, they are consumed with shame, which is why they fight against taking any accountability for their bad actions.) It’s a mitzvah! They’re not only right, but righteous!
 
Their auto-responses are deeply, deeply ingrained from years of poor decisions, thought patterns, and actions.
 
Victim Mentality vs. Gratitude
If I genuinely see myself as a victim of your victimization, then that makes me good and innocent while making you evil and cruel. This automatically means that I can use any means at my disposal to stop you and even punish you.
 
This is why the Nazis saw themselves as victims even as they threw newborn babies into bonfires and buried them alive in pits.

This is why the Communists decried the “privileged” status of their “oppressors” even as they starved, tortured, enslaved, and mowed down millions of people—including children.
 
(More is written about Nazis and victimhood in: How Ingratitude Leads to Genocide.)
 
Judaism (Yahadut) literally comes from the word “thanks”: hoda’ah or hodeh. We are all called Yehudim after Leah Imeinu’s fourth son, Yehudah.
 
Our prayers are literally brimming with praise and thanksgiving.
 
We even bless Hashem for the bad stuff (Baruch Dayan Emet—Blessed is the Judge of Truth) and in the future, we will say today's blessing for good (Baruch Hatov v’Hametiv—Blessed is the Good One and the One Who Does Good) over the bad, too.
 
You cannot feel gratitude and victimhood at the same time.
 
If you feel that everything is from Hashem, and that bad people are just agents of Hashem, and that suffering is somehow for your benefit (atonement, a type of cleansing that enables you to experience a truly wonderful Eternal Life, a message, an impetus to improve, etc.), then you will not feel like a victim.
You will not become consumed with rage nor seek revenge.
 
This is why I strongly encourage people (especially myself) to just start thanking Hashem, whether it’s writing down 20 gratitudes a day, or sitting there and telling Hashem what you’re thankful for, or singing piyutim or zemirot to Him from your heart.
 
It doesn’t matter whether you have a personality disorder or not.
 
Just the action of expressing gratitude automatically lifts you to a spiritually healthier place.
 
This is, in fact, what I originally did not understand about Rabbeinu Bachya’s Gate of Self-Accounting. If you look at it, much of it is about contemplating how lucky you are to have what you have and also how lucky you are to not suffer from, say, attacks by wild animals, leprosy, and more.
Very little of it is what we normally think of as "doing teshuvah" or taking stock of oneself.
 
Anyone who actually contemplates what Rabbeinu Bachya advises you to contemplate will automatically become a better person, and a person with stronger emuna and gratitude.
 
You Literally Cannot Trust Anyone Except Hashem. No One Can.
One of the very frustrating aspects of dealing with personality disorders is the helplessness.

Well-meaning people often advise setting boundaries and being assertive, yet this really does NOT work. PDs HATE boundaries on their behavior. Boundaries feel like rejection and assault to PDers. Again, this is instinctive. While adherents of “Just stand your ground and they’ll eventually adjust!” truly believe that if you are clear and consistent with your boundaries for long enough, the PDer will eventually give in…this just isn’t true. Every time you set a boundary, no matter how gently and diplomatically, they’ll fight it in some way because they feel like they’re being slapped. They need to protect themselves, either by fighting, avenging, or distancing (withholding, stonewalling, slandering you quietly behind your back, etc.).
 
I personally saw people who considered themselves very strong, assertive, consistent, and “I don’t put up with slop from anyone” get their legs chopped out from under them by PDers. True, the PDers didn’t confront them head on, but set things up to damage the person’s career while appearing oh-so helpful! Or they started quietly stonewalling and withholding. And all the time, the assertive and consistent person felt like their method was working because they never realized they were under attack.
 
Also, if any kind of closeness or intimacy genuinely feels bad, wrong, uncomfortable, or threatening to them…then what can you ever do about it?
If someone said to you, “The only way we can have a good marriage/positive working relationship/healthy friendship is if you walk on nails with your bare feet,” would you do it? Would you be ABLE to do it, even if you desperately wanted a good marriage/positive working relationship/healthy friendship?
No, of course not.
(This why love and patience never heals personality disorders.)
 
Furthermore, as I wrote The Secret to Judging Favorably, no human being can be perfectly trustworthy. We simply don’t have the power. Gate of Trust in Duties of the Heart details a list of qualities necessary in order to truly trust and rely on someone, and Rabbeinu Bachya makes it clear that human beings simply do not have such capabilities.

Only Hashem does.
 
So trying to “love” personality disordered people into good mental health is tinged with unconscious gaava (pride). Yes, it’s also mixed with the good intentions emanating from your soul, a sincere soul desire to heal and bond with your fellow Jew.

But only Hashem can fulfill the personality disordered person’s (or any person’s) physical and emotional needs.

Not you and not me.
 
Tefillah: The ONLY Effective Response
I remember whenever I would hear about the Times of Mashiach, people also mentioned all the bad things that would happen. And they attributed many problems nowadays (marital problems, child-rearing hardships, social upheaval, chronic or fatal illnesses) to this being Times of Mashiach.
 
And for a long time, I didn’t understand why. Is Hashem just a Big Meanie, chas v’shalom? What’s the point of all that emotional, social, and physical upheaval?
 
The thing is, when nothing else works, people tend to turn to Hashem.
 
And our generation is particularly stiff-necked about doing so. (And I used to be very stiff-necked about this and still struggle with this, even though I’ve gotten better.) Even many in the frum community prefer professional consultations with experts, medication (anti-depressants, sedatives, etc.), material feel-good measures (“You just need a new custom shaitel and a stunning makeover!”), escapism (workaholism or vacations), constant outpourings “to get it off my chest” to friends, spouses, family members, and so on, to sitting and doing a cheshbon hanefesh or talking stuff out with Hashem.
 
(NOTE: Please don’t assume that I’m above indulging in some of the above. Also, I personally have no problem with anyone indulging in the occasional consultation, pill, cigarette, makeover, new outfit “just because,” vacation, career, or heart-to-heart talk, etc. To me, it’s not different than taking Advil for a headache.
But the point is: Repeatedly turning to the above as a crutch to ignore Hashem is a problem. That's all.)
 
And I really believe that the very impossibility, incurability, and indefinability of personality disorders is to get us to turn to Hashem.

I personally have seen improvement in impossible people who were passionately prayed for.
 
Again, I’m glad I read all the literature because the observations and elucidations were helpful and validating. However, the answers are (as usual) within Torah literature.

Over the years, I've learned to dread Tammuz and Av.

But I'm trying to view them as the opportunities they actually are, and not as the obstacles and frustration they end up feeling like.

A while back, I wrote a post describing my experiences in Tammuz and explaining the astrological effects based on the Kli Yakar:
How to Fight the Crabby Mazal of Tammuz

Later, the Kli Yakar mentions the effect of Av: the Lion.

Lions tend to savage their prey, which is why hatred and other person-to-person sins came to a head with the Destructions of both Temples on the 9th of Av.

And while we don't justify or excuse bad behavior, we can at least find a merit for people if they start acting wonky in Tammuz and Av:
"Oh, they're not innately awful. It's just that they're having a hard time warding off the influence of Tammuz and Av."

And even though the Gemara tells us that astrological effects do not decide a Jew's destiny, the effects are clearly there.

So what's going on?

And what are we supposed to do?
(Hint: The answer to this particular question is partly answered in the link above.)

The mazal of Tammuz influences a person to start moving backwards or sideways, just like a crab.

This means that in Tammuz, you need to push yourself harder just to maintain equilibrium.


Picture yourself strolling down a sunlit path with a gentle breeze on your back.

Now picture yourself marching down an overcast path with hurricane-force winds at your face.

You need to brace yourself and push a lot harder to keep going forward, right?

That's Tammuz.

The fun part of it is that when the hurricane-force winds suddenly stop in Elul, all your pushback ends up flinging your forward, spiritually speaking, into the loving arms of Elul.
Elul stands for "Ani L'Dodi V'Dodi Li - I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine."
(The acronym is clearer in Hebrew: אלול - אני לדודי ודודי לי )

Anyway, the same idea holds true for Av.

As the Kli Yakar explains in Parshat Devarim:

If in Av you feel like ripping someone apart, give yourself the benefit of the doubt and recognize that it's likely the influence of Av working on you (and not that you are an Godless raging bull of a person) and then do something to counteract those lion-esque tendencies:

• Talk to Hashem about your feelings
• Search for a good point in that person and mention it to Hashem
• Pray for that person to do teshuvah from love
• Pray for yourself
• Actively do chessed
• Go out of your way to help others (doesn't matter how small the help is; even letting a car in front of you or not careening toward that ideal parking spot while cursing under your breath when you see another car going for the same spot makes a huge difference, spiritually speaking)
• Go out of your way to speak pleasantly or at least courteously in even the most trying situations.
• Thank God for the situation, knowing that it's from Him and somehow good.
• Whatever else you can think of

By the time Av ends and Elul begins, you'll automatically be in a higher place than you would be otherwise.

Elul is a time that is very welcoming toward and conducive for teshuvah and self-improvement, and sweetening judgements and decrees.

So the very frustrations and challenges of Tammuz and Av are actually the perfect preparation for Elul.

Wishing us all a lot of bracha (blessing) and hatzlacha (success)!

When I was a little girl, I found little boys intimidating.

Boys tended to be louder, rowdier, less sensitive, and sometimes even cruel.

And they often thought that mean teasing and cruelty was funny. Not all of them, of course.

But there did seem to be this strain of reveling in dominance, particularly against those who couldn't fight back—sometimes it was passive aggression and sometimes it was aggressive aggression.
 
Being in public school, sports were coed, which was pointless. They boys couldn’t play as heartily as they needed and many of the girls couldn’t be the teammates or opposition that they boys needed (although some girls did thrive on this).

I remember one of the more aggressive boys in sixth grade power-kicking a soccer ball straight into my face by accident. To his credit, he came over to me later in class and stammered an apology. I hadn’t thought he would feel so bad, and it was touching to see that he really hadn’t meant to do it. But I also remember being yelled at by frustrated strong and scary boys who couldn’t understand why I wasn’t throwing myself into the game like they were.
 
Boys also did things like put a ladybug onto a flashlight bulb, close the lens and then turn on the bulb, torturing the poor ladybug to death—and the boys enjoyed this. Another time, I listened to two boys chuckling about tossing a pet gerbil between each other from pillow to pillow and laughing when the gerbil accidentally flew out the second-story window after a badly aimed toss.
 
But in high school, things were different. Boys had matured somewhat, and could restrain themselves, and you could be friends. And you were no longer pitted against them in Physical Education class because there was no longer an obligatory PE class. Also, guy is humor is really, really funny. The way guys tell stories and yeshivah Purim shpiels, etc…they’re very funny.
 
And while due to my nature even as a secular girl, I tended to have female friends almost exclusively, though there were still guy friends too (like Linus, whom I wrote about in The Startling Impact of Kol Ishah.)
 
So I didn’t have an issue with guys nor with men. I just thought that little boys (though not all of them) were kind of scary and sadistic.

Then I came to Eretz Yisrael and here, kids are out and about a lot more because Israeli streets are generally safer for kids, plus there are a lot more kids. (Even secular Israelis tend to have more kids than their secular counterparts outside of Israel.)

Particularly in religious neighborhoods on Shabbat when kids are out in droves, I ended up faced with those aggressive, bold, pushing-the-boundaries little boys again. Not all of them, but gosh. There are some who are real little gremlins.
 
And again, they were kind of scary. There are these types that don’t have personal limits and they revel in seeing how much bad stuff they can get away with.

Anyway, I got married and before I even got pregnant, I thought maybe I should daven to have girls first. I knew almost nothing about taking care of babies and very little about motherhood in general, but I’d been a girl and and I liked girls, so why not start off with girls first?
 
But another part of me said that Hashem knew best. What if the very best thing for me was to have a boy first? Would I really want to miss out on the very best thing for me just because of my anxieties? So I decided not to daven for gender.

And I had a boy!
And I fell head-over-heels in love with him at first sight. I thought he was absolutely the greatest thing that had ever happened to me (and truly, he was) and why hadn’t I gotten married and had a baby much earlier? He was so fabulous.
 
He was also born with this fun-loving innately masculine Alpha male personality (an Eight with a Seven wing, for anyone familiar with the Enneagram). You know, the type that can grow up to be a Green Beret or some other Rambo type? Yeah, that. His way of thinking and behaving is just totally masculine and I mean that in a scientific biological sense, not a stereotypical sense.
 
So he was not only very different than me in general, but totally different than I was as a toddler and preschooler, and so on. And as much as I adored him, he was also a big challenge.
 
And chinuch people and chinuch classes weren’t very helpful about this personality type.
But other mothers and my husband (who himself had been an active and fun-loving child, though not as daring and as much of a natural leader as his son proved to be) were able to tell me that a lot of his behavior was very normal for boys, and this endowed me with a more balanced and positive perspective (both toward him and myself as a mother) than I would have had otherwise.
 
Then I had another boy. And then another. And so on.
 
And I quickly realized that I really need to learn how to deal with Boy World in the best and healthiest manner possible. And while some fellow mothers provided a lot of chizuk and healthy perspective, some did just the opposite. Unfortunately, some women have ugly feminist views that are totally chauvinistic. They think that male chauvinism is evil, but female chauvinism is the emesdikker emes. And even in casual conversation, they denigrate men for no real reason and when talking about their own sons, they also denigrated them and considered them innately inferior—just because of their gender.
 
If you’ve ever looked at your kid for even a moment and thought about their innate potential, “Meh”— or even “Ugh”—then you’ll know that is a horribly depressing mindset. You cannot possibly raise a child in this mindset. It’s so miserable. So those chauvinistic snotty attitudes repulsed me because of that.
 
Secondly, this was exactly what feminists raged at society for doing (although certainly not all parents favored their boys pre-feminism. But the ones that did caused a lot of damage.) So why was it the Height of Evil to do it to girls, but perfectly acceptable to do it to boys?
 
It just all seemed wrong, wrong, wrong, and I avoided these types.

But the good thing that came out of it was that I saw that boys needed appreciation and advocacy too. I mean, we are talking about innocent children with precious potential, regardless of gender.

So it’s hard to say exactly how I changed and all the steps along the way because a lot of it was so subtle. I think the main thing was that I really loved my kids and I wanted to be a good mother, and you can only be a good parent if you see your child’s potential positively (even if the present behavior is sometimes monstrous). And just like there are innately feminine traits that are positive, there are innately masculine traits that are positive.

And also, there are two sides to any coin. Even a trait generally considered negative (like aggression and territoriality) can be used a positive and beneficial way.
 
Then I started noticing that a lot of problems in society are because of feminine traits being used negatively and masculine traits not being used at all.
 
There needs to be a balance of feminine and masculine traits, and both need to be expressed in a positive manner.
 
But the point is that now, I really like and appreciate little boys. And I’m not scared of them anymore. (Well, not usually…) And at this stage, I’ve liked them for years. And I like my own boys and I like their friends. And because of my own boys, I’ve learned how to relate to and deal well with other little boys. But the main thing is…I like them!
 
And I think that this is one of the very precious benefits of being a parent:
You learn to like and appreciate people that you never would have otherwise.
 
The truth is that when you feel repulsed by a group or trait, it’s because of fear or overfocusing on the negative aspects of that group or trait.
 
And ultimately, that fear or negativity stunts you and your own spiritual development.
 
But our children can help us overcome our own negative bias if we let them.

I grew up in a typical American suburb lined with neat front lawns and 2-story homes.
(Not the luxurious suburban homes featured on American TV shows, but very standard houses.)
 
When I was in around fifth grade, a new family moved to my street. The mother worked—maybe she was even divorced or widowed—and her two boys came home to an empty house after school until she arrived.
 
This was par-for-the course in the Eighties.

Good childcare was neither widely available nor affordable, and working mothers were often stuck. The kids coming home to an empty house after school were coined “latchkey kids” for the house key many kept on a chain around their neck under their clothes.

The older boy was around 12 and the younger was around 9. The 9-year-old started making his rounds to every house on the street. Daily, he showed up at the door saying that his older brother beats him up and could he please stay here until his mom came home?
 
Some of the women in the neighborhood worked themselves, so they weren’t available and their own children said no. But shockingly, the mothers at home refused to let the poor boy in!
 
My heart went out to this defenseless little kid. I didn’t even like boys much at that time. They seemed aggressive, loud, cruel to animals, taunting and mean, and I pitied all my friends with younger brothers (I only had younger sisters), sometimes musing whether it worse to have an older brother or a younger brother? But I thought that having such a pitiable little brother for a few hours a day wouldn’t be so bad, actually.
 
“We could just give him a snack and then let him watch TV until his mom comes home!” I enthused.

But no one let him in even one time. (Except one family, whom I'll get to in a minute.)
 
Instead, all the mothers on the block told him that it was a “family problem” (as opposed to a neighborhood or social problem, I suppose) and that he needed to go back and try to work things out with his brother.
 
(And now you know why my generation tended to consider adults stupid, out-of-it, and uncaring.)

Now, as I said, this was the Eighties. Newspapers, magazines, billboards, TV ads, and radio ads were full of helpful hotline numbers you could call about any troubling situation under the Sun. You could get advice about what to do and receive further contact information if you needed an actual organization, social worker, or therapist. People were strongly encouraged to call, to contact, to care about helpless sufferers—especially “the children.”
 
Songs, especially around December, mourned children who were hungry, abused, neglected, or suffering, pleading with the world to care and to act.
 
Despite all this positive exhortation and easily accessible help and advice at people’s fingertips, no one lifted a finger to help this boy.
(In fact, these very nice, decent people often "stood idly by" any situation, no matter how easy and quick intervention could be.)
 
During his daily rounds, he always found refuge in one home: the Wallaces (not their real name).
 
The Wallaces were a committed Christian family and it was only the charitable Christian thing to do to offer their home as refuge to this sojourning victim of sibling bullying.
 
It was also the Christian thing to unspare "the rod." (Proverbs 13:24!) They felt it was their Christian duty to spank children with a wooden spatula (after all, it does specify “ROD”!, even though the Pele Yoetz quoting the Gemara, says it means “shoelaces”—i.e., a light non-traumatic discipline—but who cares what those Jews say about their own Books, right?) and that included any children under their care. I remember their daughter around my age, Kristy, laughing about how her parents actually broke a wooden spoon over her older brother. Oh, ha-ha, Kristy! So funny! How warm, charitable, and Christian of you!
 
Anyway, that was probably why the poor boy didn’t go straight to the Wallace house since that first time they had mercy on him and kept canvassing the neighborhood for another afterschool refuge.
 
Finally, he just ended up at the Wallaces daily. I believe they contacted his mother and offered to babysit him until she came home. It didn’t go on for a long time because then that family moved.
 
The Wallaces ended up caring for another child, a fifth-grade girl named Heather, whose mother worked. I can’t remember whether her mother was a single parent or not, but again, she was stuck for childcare and the Wallaces, being charitable Christians, offered their home. Heather was an unattractive ungainly girl who had no friends at school, partly because she could be a bully herself.

(I remember her at recess yelling at and even slapping the face of my younger sister for no reason until I put a stop to it.)

But really, I think she wasn’t given a chance nor taught basic coping and social skills.

Anyway, Kristy wasn’t happy about Heather coming home with her after school, but that was okay because Heather sometimes got spanked with a wooden spoon, much to Kristy’s charitable Christian delight.
 
I hated Heather for having bullied my sister, but another part of me felt sorry for the kind of life she was having.

I remember passing by Mrs. Wallace on the street and she asked me about the triangle-shaped cookie we’d shared with her daughter. But she spoke to me in clipped tones and seemed to be glaring at me, although I couldn’t figure out what I’d done wrong.

I hesitantly explained to her that we’d had a holiday called Purim, which was taken from “the, uh, Scroll of Esther…which is a story in the Jewish Bible about, uh, a Jewish queen…”

My voice trailed off under her increasingly hostile stare.

“Oh, I know that story,” she snapped.

Chastened, yet confused— in my 12-year-old experience, non-Jews had never heard of Purim and never seemed familiar with Megillat Esther. So how was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to start explaining things to her? I was so used to explaining things to people because despite my own lack of knowledge, non-Jews—including Christians—seemed to know even less.

“I’m sorry,” I stuttered. “I didn’t know you knew. Um, most people who aren’t Jewish don’t know, so…sorry.”

Her eyes flashed. “Well, I do know. It’s part of our Bible too.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that,” I said.

“All of your Bible is in our Bible,” she said, wrinkling her nose and curling her lip. “And a lot of people do know about Queen Esther, not just Jews. Christians know about Queen Esther.”

“Sorry,” I said. “I didn’t know that.”

She contemplated me a moment, then said, “Well, it’s not your fault. You didn’t know. But now you do.”
 
Yet despite her being a loving, charitable Christian with her heart full of Yishke, I felt like she despised me and I didn’t know why.
(Well, Yishke didn’t much like the Torah either, so if you have him in your heart, you probably don’t like the Torah much either.)

My point here is that with a few exceptions, everything in America is fake.

We've Got Hotlines, Organizations, & Unearned Moral Superiority!
Nobody really cares about human suffering or people going through a hard time. When I was growing up, you saw problems all around you, and hardly anyone cared. Hardly anyone ever did anything to EVER help, despite the vast myriad of resources available and constantly being promoted.

The first time I ever saw real chessed in action was in the frum community.

Sorry, I know that's not PC.

Even frum people complain that the frum community doesn't have all the resources that the oh-so caring and wonderful non-Jewish world has!

(Yet they never ask why the non-Jewish world needs such a vast amount of these social and therapeutic resources...the need for which is only increasing. If the resources were as effective as everyone liked to think, wouldn't the need for them decrease? And also, just because the resources are there doesn't mean that people bother to use them...)

The Conservative and Reform communities in which I grew up would be floored to hear me say that because they always thought of themselves as sooooo caring and proactive and wonderful social justice warriors, but most of it was feel-good stuff comprised of token acts.
 
It would have been so easy to take in that quiet little boy for 2 or 3 hours and let him watch TV or something or to at least contact his mother and see if she knew what was going on and if there was some other way to help. Neighbors could have done a rotation once a week or even every 2 weeks, depending on how many involved. They could’ve called one of those hotlines or organizations to hear about some advice or options. But no one cared. People had their novels, their TVs, and their telephones, and nothing must get in the way of American relaxation!
 
Love to Help and Love Hypocrisy!
The Christians you see in the media do not represent your average American Christian. The Christians you see or read are high-income, highly intelligent possessors of advanced degrees with a flair for style and verbal skills.

Your average American Christian is middle- to lower-class and a bundle of contradictions. Yes, they lead the fight for certain morals, like the fight for the unborn and traditional marriage. Yes, they staff homeless shelters, soup kitchens, provide foster homes, adopt disabled and hard-to-place children, donate their hard-earned money to charity, and many other charitable endeavors. But they also have a lot of wacky stuff going on in their communities and families, with a lot of skeletons in their closets.

I'm not saying there are no truly kind-hearted and courageous Christians. But there aren't as many as they'd have you believe.

Rather than being a Religion of Love, Christianity has always been a Religion of Adaptability, and such a fluid system cannot stand up to the onslaught of decadent Leftist culture.
 
Polytheism masquerading as monotheism really isn’t the way to a sound mind.

Narcissism Masquerading as Feminism
Because Feminism is essentially a fascist movement and not a human rights movement, it was always wreaking havoc right out of the box. Its aim actually wasn't the equality of women or the improvement of society, but the indulgent of humanity's worst vices.

In reality, quality affordable childcare should have run parallel to equality in the workforce. Initially, women were married mothers by their early twenties. So the vast majority of working women over the age of 18 would've been a married with children.

But feminists weren't interested in marriage or motherhood.

They wanted to be raunchy, patronizing, materialists who pursued casual "relationships"...just like how they thought men were.

Now, most men weren't.

Most men desired marriage and children and valued responsibility. There was a certain amount of male condescension toward women, but that was induced by Hollywood movies. Acting like a condescending sneering lewd jerk isn't the male default.
(Seriously. Read memoirs from the 1900s.)

But because feminists couldn't give a hoot about anyone but themselves, real women and children were often left in the dust.
_______________________________
 
Because American culture has become so shiny and sparkly, it’s hard to see behind and even harder to reject all the dark gunk clinging to the back of the shimmering facade.
 
Just do your best and Hashem will help you with the rest.

When I first became frum, everyone I met chanted the same mantra:
"You need a rav! You need a rav!"

For women, a rebbetzin was also considered important.

Then when I started shidduchim, that mantra changed to:
"The main thing is that your husband has a rav...doesn't matter what rav! Any rav!"

And everywhere you turned, there was story upon story to illustrate the following:

• A rav saves a person from himself. The person was going to make some mistake that would ruin his life, but his rav's advice saved him.

 

• Here's a person who didn't consult with a rav...and now just LOOK at his terrible situation!

But despite the most rose-colored way I insisted on viewing many of the rabbis and rebbetzins with whom I met, eventually I could no longer hide from the fact they weren't necessarily wiser or better than anyone else. Furthermore, some of them certainly possessed worse middot than your average person and therefore, could not give correct direction or insight.

Even a very good rabbi or rebbetzin also possesses blind spots regarding certain issues.

And, speaking from personal experience, being a rabbi or rebbetzin is extremely stressful and even the most well-intended person doesn't function ideally under stress.

Initially, I thought there must be something wrong with me. Apparently, something about me brought out the sinat chinam, the hypocrisy, the bad middot, the egoism, or just the plain lack of good sense and compassion in rabbis and rebbetzins.
(Note: I'm not talking about gadolei hador, but regular rabbis and rebbetzins.)

But as the years went by, I noticed that the mantra changed to:
"You need a QUALIFIED rav! You need to find a husband with a really good rav!"

Hmm...what changed?

Slowly, I realized it wasn't just me; other people had also been burned by their rabbis or rebbetzins.

(And I don't even have any of those horror stories of being robbed or exploited or abused by a rav or rebbetzin.)

Furthermore, I give credit to the frum community for changing its tune on this particular issue. Contrary to popular belief, the frum community does pinpoint problems and takes the proper steps to adjust itself. Sometimes it's still wrong (like with its attitude toward mental health, in which they've taken on a wholly secular view based on that of the atheist psychiatric community), but it is well-meaning and it does try more than any community I've ever seen on the secular side.

But the idea that you need a rav, a rebbetzin, a chinuch advisor, etc., and that consulting with one of the above guarantees a healthy outcome?

Nope. It depends.

If you have an actual halachic question in Jewish Law, then yes...please consult a QUALIFIED Orthodox rabbi.

But if you need non-halachic advice? Then it depends.

• Is the person truly qualified to advise you?
• Does this person possess the wisdom and understanding (both in Torah and in the area under discussion) to give solid advice?
• Does this person genuinely care about you and the damage their advice could possibly wreak on your life?
• Is this person really better or on a higher level than you or, say, your next-door neighbor?
• Does this person take halacha and mussar to heart?
• Does this person do a regular cheshbon hanefesh?

You could actually just read Gate of Trust in Duties of the Heart to find the answers to the above questions.

(Hint: The Only One qualified for the above is...God.)

Believe me, after extracting you from whatever muck you were in before you discovered the Torah-true path, God is not going to suddenly abandon you to some flesh-and-blood master of uncertain wisdom and integrity.

Coming from such a hishtadlut-oriented culture, it really took me years to even start internalizing this fact.

But in fact, however much Hashem liked you before, He likes you even more now that you have tossed away so much garbage in order to follow Him into the Midbar (Wilderness).

Hashem loves us so much and does so much for us, it is ridiculous to think that we can no longer trust Him as we did when we were steeped in sin.

Here are some proofs:

I guess we can start with Sara Yoheved Rigler, whose story is well-known.

Here we have a lady invested heart and soul in the profound tumah of avodah zara well into her thirties...yet Hashem rescued her from amid all that spiritual sewage!

He even brought her to Eretz Yisrael to the holiest city in the world, where she raised a Torah-true family.

And He has done that not just for her, but for many other Jews steeped in tumah.

After going all the way to an ashram in India to extract you, Hashem isn’t going to suddenly dump you.

She’s the most famous, but there are a lot of ex-ashramers walking around the frum world.

As further proof, Hashem even goes after Jews who have no way of knowing that they are Jewish.

Rachel grew up in a very Christian family; her father was a minister.

Yet for some reason, as a 9-year-old in Sunday school, when a Catholic priest tried to give her a copy of the Christian bible for her very own, she refused.

“I don’t need it,” she said.

He kindly insisted.

“I don’t want it,” she said.

Smiling, he handed it to her.

“If you make me take it,” she said, “I’m just going to throw it in the garbage.”

He made her take it anyway, and sure enough, when no one was looking, the book went into the garbage. (Her only regret later was that she didn’t realize that the first part—the Tanach—was genuinely holy and didn’t belong in the garbage.)

In her teens, she became interested in Judaism and decided to go through the rigorous conversion process. Toward the end, she mentioned to her rabbi that she was adopted.

“Before we continue,” said the rabbi, “I’d like you to check and see if you can find out your birth mother’s religion.”

It was in her adoption file—her birth mother was listed a Jewish.

But because there was no solid proof, she still needed to go through the actual conversion, although in her case, the rabbis ruled that she shouldn’t say the full blessing. (I can’t remember whether she said it without Hashem’s name or whether she had kavanah during the tevilah without saying any blessing.)

This is incredible. There was absolutely no way she could ever know she was Jewish.

Yet Hashem ignited a spark in her heart for Torah and mitzvot.

Without that, there is no way she could have ever returned to her soul’s root.

Anyway, after doing all that, is Hashem just going to disappear from her life?

No, of course not.

In Eretz Yisrael, I met a religious Jewish woman related to Spain’s royal family.

She was raised as a Christian and went to exclusive schools for the upper class elites, yet she had unexplained terror of the nuns who taught there, even though the nuns were always perfectly nice.

Yet just before her mother died, this woman discovered that her family was from a long line of anousim who had always been particular to marry only other anousim...until either her mother or grandmother. One of them was the first to marry a non-Jew, and not just any non-Jew, but a royal one.

Yet when she tried to find out more, her mother fiercely rebuffed her until her dying day.

So the daughter set out on a spiritual journey that led her to Torah and to a kosher conversion (because there was no tangible proof of her family’s Jewishness throughout the generations even though they had a solid line of tradition).

When I met her, she exuded rock-solid contentment with her Torah life in her cozy Israeli apartment. Quite a change, I'm sure, from the luxury villas of the Spanish elite.

To me, her story is incredible testimony to Hashem’s intimate involvement with every Jew.

To have dwelt in such comfortable materialism only to leave it all for a much lower standard of living in a developing country, plus her willingness to enter the Jewish community and absorb Jewish Law, and also to be a minority in a Hebrew-speaking land where even among other immigrants, she is still a minority among the huge population of Russian- and English-speaking immigrants—Who can be behind such desire and determination?

Why didn’t she make the choice her mother made? On the contrary, why did she davka choose to embrace exactly that which so terrified her mother?

(Hint: Perhaps Hashem was guiding her?)

We know so many people like the above—and maybe this even resembles your personal story—and it all clearly shows Hashem’s great Love and Attentiveness and Power.

But according to the “Consult a rav!” enthusiasts, now that Hashem has personally extracted the Spanish lady out from centuries of luxury, fear, European culture, Christianity (and so much more), why does the “Consult a rav!” crowd still insist that this obviously special woman will not be able to choose a community or make a myriad of other non-halachic decisions without consulting Rabbi So-and-So (who is probably not as special as her and has probably not made sacrifices of that magnitude to follow Torah) of the local shul , seminary, or yeshivah?

So yeah, Hashem can pluck people out of ashrams, Christianity, Spanish royalty, and even Mitzrayim.

He can split apart the Yam Suf.

But only an all-too-human rabbi can tell you where to live or where to send your children to school!

Isn’t that all a little bit too wacky to really believe?

Look, if you have a rav or rebbetzin who really has been giving you good solid caring advice, then fine. That's also from Hashem. Apparently, they're very good shalichim for you.

It's a nice mazal.

But like anything else, it doesn't have to be that way.

Rabbis and rebbetzins aren't perfect and some aren't even decent.
They can be very good well-meaning people who are misguided, just like anyone else.
There's also a matter of chemistry, just like in any other human relationship.

Yet even though they almost drove me off the derech, I'm grateful for my disappointing experiences with rabbis and rebbetzins because that very lack is what pushed me into a relationship with Hashem and with Chazal that I wouldn't have had otherwise.

I'm actually more frum and more committed to Torah without them.

And that's probably why it all happened.
____________
(Note: I do ask a rav if I have a halachic question. But God is my Address for advice, direction, and all other requests.)

Girls in my generation were encouraged to push off marriage and child-bearing because that particular institution was considered “limiting.”
 
The path was set thusly:

• Thou shalt graduate high school.
• Thou shalt enter college and pick a major.
• Thou shalt graduate college.
• If necessary, thou shalt continue college to get an even higher degree.
• Thou shalt fly/backpack around to different places in between semesters.
• Heavy-duty partying on the weekends is another college requirement, but just don't let on to your parents exactly how much you're abusing & debasing yourself.
• Thou shalt get a serious boyfriend at some point.
• Thou shalt shack up together to see if marriage is a possibility OR because it’s more convenient.
• Thou shalt get married ONLY AFTER dating/shacking up together for a couple of years.
• Thou shalt continue to work and prevent conception after the wedding to save up for the one or two children you plan to have AND to solidify your marriage AND really make sure your relationship has staying power BEFORE you have children (because, for some reason, the 2-7 years you were already together wasn’t enough to ascertain all this).
• After a couple of years (or more) of marriage, you can finally have a child or two—IF you want and REALLY feel ready for it.

 
(Anyone who veered from this set path was looked down on as “impulsive” or “making a big mistake” or “making poor choices” or “can’t settle down” or has psychological issues or whatever.)
 
And a lot of women got pregnant at that late age with no problem.
On the other hand, it’s well-known that after age 35, fertility problems increase.

Personally, I ended up living a life that I didn’t really want to live under the guise of being “free to choose” and having no gender-imposed “limitations.”
 
But if you look at the path set for girls, it’s a very narrow path that tramples over years of your life and ultimately trips you into the very serious limitation of finding a spouse and having children only when you see age 40 up ahead.
 
Of course we all know that people can start looking for a spouse and having children at age 20, and yet they still suffer years of singlehood or infertility. People can also get married young and then get divorced or widowed.

Nothing’s guaranteed.

But it is a well-known social and biological fact that the earlier you start in the domestic part of the game, the easier it goes—barring some exceptions, as already stated.
 
I remember my orthodontist, whom I was very fond of, telling me that she and her husband put off having a baby until they were close to 40 because “I wanted to make sure that if I couldn’t just go out to dinner or the theater, I wouldn’t be resentful.”

I heard that kind of thing ALL THE TIME.

So as a teenage girl, it sounded mature. And people I liked and respected said it.

But in the back of mind, it bothered me.

Yet I wasn’t really allowed to think about it in a negative way.

Finding fault in that mentality was anti-feminist.

And being anti-feminist was the same as being a bad, backwards, abusive person.

So the Great Big Lie is that your life “ends” when you have children.
 
Okay, yes...children are limiting.

But "limiting" is not "life-ending."

You may not be able to go out to dinner that night or even that week because you’re too exhausted, because the baby’s teething or sick, or because there isn’t a babysitter available for that particular night or week.

Yeah, that’s the reality.

But it’s so weird that NO ONE puts off college, or a medical internship, or ANYTHING else because it’s “limiting.” And exams, internships, job interviews, work hours, job demands, office politics, etc, are all incredibly limiting and stressful!

So what was the gagged thought bothering me in the back of my mind?

It’s the fact that your own child isn’t worth it.

Your baby isn’t worth missing dinner or a movie for.

Everything else—college, academic degrees, internships, work, travel—is worth doing NOW. Despite costs, time, and inconvenience, it’s all worth doing and doing early on.

Only your child isn’t worth it.

So where am I leading up to?

I became frum and then got married at 23, and had my first child at 24 (which is normal to late, depending what frum community you ask, but REALLY EARLY in secular society).

And one of my first thoughts during my son's first day of life was:
“This is so great! I wish I’d done this sooner! Why didn’t anybody ever say how great this was?”

And I felt kind of betrayed, like I’d been lied to my whole life (which, indeed, I had been).

And I felt so lucky that Hashem plucked me out of that world of lies and agendas to bring me to a place where I could experience this true happiness.

Now I want to be very clear: Things did not go smoothly.

• The labor and birth was a nightmare and the recovery wasn’t much better.

 

• The nursing was so painful for so long and, after expecting to love nursing, I was so disappointed at how unpleasant and wearying it actually was.

Yet despite all that, I was overjoyed with my son and deeply convinced that he was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

And I genuinely felt that everything else I’d ever done was meaningless compared to him.

Now, people told me in response, “Okay, you wish you’d done this sooner, but were you ready before now?”

And I wavered on the answer. Because the answer is, “Kind of…but kind of not.”

The reason why I might not have been ready at, say, eighteen is because I was conditioned my whole life NOT to be ready for children before thirty.

I was actively conditioned NOT to be ready.

And so were most of the other girls in my generation.

We were always given the message that being a mother is SO HARD and SO LIMITING and SO EXHAUSTING.

And thankless.
(Of course, the "thankless" aspect was only hinted at or joked about. People still gave lip-service to the idea of gratitude for their children.)

And because of that, you need to put it off as late as possible so that you can be “really ready” and only then, will you have a chance of doing it “right.”

And that was the Big Whitewash:
Children are sooo important that you need to delay having them until you are “really ready” because raising children is sooo important, it needs to be “done right.”

Wow, it sounds like people really value children, right?

But they don’t.

Like everything else in the big fake culture of Esav, it’s tinted to look good and sound good. Really, the main reason people either put off childbearing or don’t have children at all is because they’re afraid of the limitations and work that comes with all the rewards.

After all, how many "afterschool specials" did I see on TV in which someone screamed at a pregnant teenage girl:
“DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO RUSH TO THE HOSPITAL AT FOUR IN THE MORNING BECAUSE YOUR BABY HAS A HIGH FEVER??!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE UP ALL NIGHT WITH A CRYING BABY? AND THE ENDLESS DIAPERS—UGH! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!”

(The show always ended with her happily giving the baby up for adoption, no second thoughts or regrets.)
 
But the thing is, no TV show ever had someone screaming:
“DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE AT THE HOSPITAL FOR YOUR INTERNSHIP AND MAKE LIFE-ENDANGERING DECISIONS AT FOUR IN THE MORNING? DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE UP ALL NIGHT AT A COLLEGE PARTY TAKING CARE OF A VOMITING OR UNCONSCIOUS FRIEND WHO DRANK WAY TOO MUCH??!! AND THE ENDLESS COLLEGE DEBT—UGH! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!”
 
Also, you see couples in real life who actually discuss (or even argue) whose turn it is to change the baby’s diaper each time, making it seem like it’s this crushing chore, like cleaning out an elephant stall or something.
 
And that’s not to mention all the shows in which a parent always responded to a crying baby by bursting into tears herself and fighting an overwhelming urge to kill her baby.
 
So I went into motherhood nervous about diapers and I also wondered whether my baby’s cries would turn me into a homicidal monster.
 
So I was surprised to see that with a few exceptions, changing little baby disposable diapers wasn’t onerous, I never need to rush a baby to the hospital for any reason (older kids who fell on their lip or collarbone—yes; newborn babies—no),  and that colicky crying babies aren’t something that MUST happen (and even if they do, both the baby and the mother almost always survive the experience).

And I say this all with a big, heartfelt BARUCH HASHEM. (Bli ayin hara!)

Why? Because these things can happen. And they do happen.

But my point is that they aren’t a given.

Yes, I have friends who were so traumatized by their baby’s unending colic that they put off having more children for a few years. (Completely understandable, BTW.) I also have friends who rushed a baby to the hospital at four in the morning for a high fever. In fact, I have friends whose babies were born with problems and needed to be rushed to the hospital many, many times, may Hashem have mercy.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

And yes, I sometimes get sick of changing diapers, especially if it’s in the middle of the night or if the child has tummy troubles.

But in the culture I grew up, we were indoctrinated that regarding babies, the WORST was SURE to happen.

That’s my point.

Furthermore, having hard days or grueling weeks doesn’t mean that motherhood stinks and isn’t worth it.

Just because you'll sometimes want a break from it all doesn't mean it's something to be dreaded.

Just because you'll sometimes be exasperated, bored, frustrated, or disappointed doesn't mean that your life is “over.”

(Especially in the frum community, look at how many mothers of all ages and at all stages are working and taking classes and getting degrees. Sometimes, they even overdo it, if you ask me. But you get my drift.)

If I’d been smart enough and brave enough after high school, I’d have gone straight to a baal teshuvah seminary for two years to shore up my frumkeit, and then gotten married and ended up having kids a couple of years earlier than I actually did.

And I wish I had.

How often do you hear someone say that nowadays?

You’re not allowed to say it.

But that’s how I honestly feel.

(Anyway, it would’ve been better for my husband too. He’d been on shidduchim for almost 7 years by the time we met. Knocking off a couple of years of that aggravation would’ve been nicer for him too, eh?)

And that’s it.

There’s still very little understood in mental illness, particularly in field of disorders that affect a person’s very identity.

Out of the mental disorders that affect how one sees and perceives oneself, the most well-known is Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder).

But there are also:

• Gender Dysphoria/Gender Identity Disorder (when a person identifies as the opposite gender)
• Cotard Delusion (when a person thinks he’s dead)
• Clinical Lycanthropy (when a person thinks he is or can transform into an animal)
• Body Dysmorphic Disorder (when a person either imagines he has a bodily flaw or he has a small flaw, but his mind wildly exaggerates its prominence)
• Delusions of grandeur (thinking you’re Napoleon)

...and so on.

And psychology recognizes that mentally ill people can still be quite high-functioning.

Those functioning under sociopathy or personality disorders can still become quite wealthy and successful in their material lives. The man I read about with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder) also performed outstandingly in his career, officiating beside the President of the USA and other bigwigs while switching personalities inside his head!
 
But because science—including sciences like psychology—is by nature atheist (because that’s what’s considered most objective), it can’t really acknowledge the possibility of spiritual or metaphysical causes for a mental illness.

I can’t find the original article I read about a girl named Penelope who thinks she’s a boy, but in the original article I read, not only did Penelope describe herself as a male, but she described other things—something like owning or steering a boat?—and something about the kind of job her male identity had or the place he lived.

I can’t remember exactly and no other article I’ve read about her since quotes her discussing anything more than her gender, but originally, she described other things that immediately reminded me of how children speak when they recall past lives.

Furthermore, when I read one account of a man who has DID, parts of it also reminded me of past-life memories. It made me wonder whether at least some of the alternate personalities in this disorder are people whom the DID actually were in past lives, and if that’s why some of the personalities can be so well defined.

Who knows?

Interestingly, people with DID sometimes have alternate personalities that are mythical creatures—like elves or dragons—or alternates that are animals. In many cases, some alternate personalities are the opposite gender of the “host” person.

From a spiritual point of view, Judaism has long recognized that a person can be possessed by a dybbuk (a lost soul looking for refuge from punishing angels) or can make contact with demons or other kochot hatumah (impure spiritual forces).

The thing is, very little is understood about the human mind. Not only are we still at the edge of brain science and genetics, but as always, there is terrible competition for renown and funding, plus normal human subjectivity - all of which interfere with honest research.

Peer pressure and veiled threats have always been a part of the world of science.

Even the genius Thomas Edison got together with JP Morgan to fight Nikola Tesla, going so far as to print bogus news in the local newspapers to scare investors away from Tesla, which effectively halted Tesla’s experiments and progress.

Real science has been and still is sometimes shoved aside, actively blocked, or mocked in favor of pet beliefs based on pseudo-science, making it very difficult to get to the truth of the matter.

Yet we’re having Gender Dysphoria pushed on us as a natural and acceptable way to be despite the fact that:

• flooding a body with hormones could eventually cause cancer
• the fact that gender surgeries render the patient sterile and there is demand to perform it on teenagers and other people who’ve never had children
• the majority of children who identify as the opposite gender do grow out of it
• we don’t know the harm to the brain and the cells that these treatments and surgeries ultimately have on a person
• even after surgery and therapy, the rate of suicide attempts stands at 41%
• many adults and teenagers identifying as the opposite gender have previously undergone some sort of trauma
• men claiming to identify as women still behave and think very much like men (and like psychologically unhealthy men, at that) as described HERE.
• we don’t know WHY a person identifies as the opposite gender…is it a mental illness of its own? Past-life recollection? Is the person possessed or somehow influenced by unseen entities, i.e. kochot hatumah? Is it a brain malfunction? Is it a dissociated identity disorder similar to those people who have multiple alternate personalities of different genders and even different species? A combination of the above? None of them?

…yet despite all that, there is enormous pressure to indulge this dysphoria.

Insistence on referring to men-identifying-as-women as “she” or vice-versa, while meant as a sign of respect, is actually playing right into this malignant game.

I don’t think we should be nasty to or rage at people who identify as the opposite gender, but indulging and even encouraging this dysphoria is harmful, both to the sufferer and to society at large.
 
Furthermore, there are frum people who've also been influenced against halacha (by finagling "halachic" loopholes to make allowances for modern Western morality and "science").

It's difficult because no matter how gently and compassionately you try to present the truth and the morality, many people will still feel hurt, enraged, and invalidated.

Despite courageous push-back from right-wing conservatives (and especially by one of the best of them, Ben Shapiro), Western society has crossed a line that I don't think it can cross back over. Even the right-wing conservatives are still a lot more liberal in certain areas than liberals were fifty years ago.

In short, the values and knowledge just aren't there on either side.

Depending where you live, it's getting harder and harder to hang on to the Truth.

But hang on we must.

And may Hashem help us all.