​One of the main purposes of life is the soul's journey.

People start off at different levels & with varying inclinations.

It can take time for people to arrive at certain destinations.

Some take longer than others.

On that note, I want to describe my personal journey from shaitels to cloth hair-coverings — but keeping in mind that regardless of my personal feelings, there are very big talmidei chachami who permit shaitels.

Also, it is MUCH easier & more acceptable to wear scarves or hats in Eretz Yisrael as a opposed to doing so in modern Western countries (where a hair-scarf can seem weird, unprofessional, or attention-getting — although Muslim women now do so without any qualms).

​In contrast, it's perfectly acceptable in Eretz Yisrael to go to the most formal event or fulfill the most professional role while wearing a hair-scarf or hat.

So that makes a difference too.

(And by "perfectly acceptable," I'm not referring to the rabid anti-Torah Leftists who froth at the mouth regarding any expression of Judaism. I mean perfectly acceptable within the general social structure of normal people here.) 

Yet in the interest of full objectivity, here is a halachic discussion of the issue, including sources for all different opinions:
https://dinonline.org/2010/05/26/hair-covering-for-women/

As stated in the above link, however, the very immodest va-va-voom shaitels are not okay and any hairstyle forbidden for a single woman's natural hair is really not okay in a shaitel.

But as stated above, this is a journey and different people find different parts of the journey more challenging or less challenging.

​It depends.

In Living an Inner Life in Today's Generation, Rav Itamar Schwartz mentions the idea from the Vilna Gaon and others that in later generations, the Generation of the Mabul/Flood, Dor HaPlagah/Generation of Dispersal (i.e., the Tower of Babel fiasco), and Sodom will ALL return in later generations (we are of those later generations).

It sounds truly awful because as Rav Schwartz notes, these three were "only" one-third of previous generations.

But in later generations (like now), they're ALL coming back — together. Simultaneously.

​And that explains so much of what's going on today.

But I admit that I'm not sure how to put it all together exactly.

On the other hand, it's still possible to draw parallels.

For example, Dor HaMabul (Generation of the Flood) was not Jewish or non-Jewish; there was no Torah or Judaism or Jew in that time. You had Noach and the ancestor of Am Yisrael, Noach's son Shem.

Dor HaMabul was all about corruption in every sense of the word.

​Theft ruled the day, although the Pele Yoetz notes that it was also steeped in the same sin that Er & Onan stumbled, along with other sins against chaste behavior, including extramarital sins.

I heard that abortion was also practiced.

They committed idolatry, which basically means that they indulged in occult practices.

The occult has made a massive comeback in today's world. Wicca is considered a cool feminist system, plus the whole goddess aspect has been a prized part of being "progressive."

Eastern religions with all their idols have become popular.

There are many indications of occult even within seemingly secular aspects of society.

I also read somewhere animal cross-breeding went on during Dor HaMabul, which was included in the overall corruption of that time. Hybrids are often sterile and rather than being the best of both kinds, hybrids often display the genetic faults of both.

Finally, according to the Kli Yakar, Dor HaMabul was plagued with moral relativity. Even the tzaddikim reassured non-tzaddikim that "we're all same." (Kamoni, komocha.) "I'm okay, you're okay."

A sinner stood among tzaddikim and said, "I'm a tzaddik like you."

It was the "feel good" generation.

​Sort of like now.

(For more on this generation, please see The Kli Yakar on Parshas Noach: Why Did Hashem Destroy the World with Water? And What is the Connection to Hurricanes? & The Hidden Sin of the Flood Generation: What We Can Learn From It Today — AKA The Kli Yakar on Parshat Noach.)

By the way, there is a LOT more to say about that generation. The commentaries, Talmud, and midrashim are full of insights.

Sodom was wholly non-Jewish and known for its warped value system, which extended into its justice system.

It was an externally beautiful & advanced society that condoned terrible cruelty under a system of terribly distorted morals.

Toeva was also fine with them.

Also, I do not know if this was part of Sodom, but the hymn of a Sumerian priestess from Avraham Avinu's hometown of Ur survived until today. (If the dating is correct — and accurate dating is much harder to pinpoint than scientists like to admit — the hymn predates Avraham Avinu.)

The self-lauding priestess is under the delusion that she is the wife of a moon "god" and she boasts of her ability to have "changed men into women!"

Meaning, she successfully accomplished this.

And she is mighty proud of it. She views it as a good thing.

Experts in that time like to debate exactly what she meant, but with all the meshugas of today, it's becoming clearer that she likely meant what a lot of people mean today:

​Even if one is clearly of a particular gender, one has the right to define themselves & be treated as the opposite gender — with the truly bizarre results promoted today, including completely irrational consequences within the medical field.

(Like when a woman who insists she is a man comes in complaining of abdominal pain, the doctor must pretend she doesn't have a uterus or ovaries and instead focus on something else, like her appendix. And vice-versa. I don't know if this has happened yet, but this is what they're promoting.)

Is this connected specifically to Sodom? Or to the surrounding occult systems?

I'm not sure.

But such a similar re-awakening cannot be incidental in an era in which 3 ancient corrupt generations return.

Also, speaking of Sodom justice...

When we were 16, a friend of mine went to court in order to be transferred into the custody of her divorced father, who'd been banished from her life.

She'd recently found him & discovered what she'd sensed all along: He wasn't the monster her abusive mother always insisted he was.

After enduring years of physical abuse by her mother and 2 years of abuse by her stepfather (who was an elder in their Mormon church & told her that he would no longer abuse her because at age 14, she was now "too old for him"), my friend decided to utilize the law that allows 16-year-old children of divorce to decide with which parent they want to live. 

​The judge deciding the case fulfilled the great feminist ideal: She was female.

According to feminists, all the inequalities in society are due to there not being females in charge.

Men are misogynists and incapable of providing fair & equal treatment...or so goes the feminist claim.

​Anyway, the oh-so exalted female judge ruled that it's best for children to be with their mothers, especially in a nuclear family situation (as opposed to living with a single father) and so my friend needed to stay in her toxic environment.

Ooh, it's best for the child! It's in the child's best interests to remain in a family with a stable marriage and a mother and a (step) father!

It doesn't matter that they're abusive creeps! Family first! It's best for the child!

And so much for the wiser & more compassionate authority of a female...

(And no, the judge didn't have a bias, like being a Mormon herself. She was apparently stupid & immoral all on her own.)

I admit that knocked a pretty deep chink in my own ideal as a self-proclaimed feminist at that time, plus crushed my perception of the American justice system as "fair." (Although certainly, it is much fairer than almost any other justice system in the world and in human history.)

Anyway, it was a ruling truly worthy of Sodom.

(In case you're wondering, our high school guidance counselor discovered an underground foster care system that operated beneath the law. So my friend hugged me good-bye and then literally raced off to be smuggled out of state to an unofficial foster home. She kept on the move during that time, shifting between 3 states until she could re-emerge on her 18th birthday & finally go live with her father.)

I was left seething, THE WORLD CANNOT WORK THIS WAY! THIS IS ALL WRONG!

​I felt like my friend, the victim, shouldn't be the one who needs to go into hiding.

​And that's Sodom: Welcome to Sodom — where we punish the victim.

To add to the return of the above 3 generation, we also have the re-emergence of Erev Rav and according to Chazal, they take the position of authority within Am Yisrael.

And all this explains why things are increasingly & intensively crazier than ever.

People don't seem to know what is right or wrong, and there is tremendous pressure to empathize with people who do bad things or who are extremely misguided & trying to drag society down with them.

As far as I can tell, Europe has lost its conservative religious faction. Yes, there may be conservative religious people in Europe, but they've lost their voice. 

Let's face it: When your big hero of conservatism is a toeva atheist, the game is over. (I'm looking at you, England.)

When the leader of one of your most conservative parties must apologize on behalf of a representative who merely states that he opposes toeva unions, the game is over. (England again.)

Yet in American where the religious conservatives still wield influence, they are still a far cry from the norm that existed (whether conservative or liberal) only 2 generations ago.

American conservatives — even the religious ones — have basically given up promoting abstinence before marriage. Instead, they focus on avoiding abortion via contraception or adoption.

Many conservative women pundits dress in an undignified immodest manner, and nearly all of the American conservative leaders, whether men or women, use foul language. 

They formulate excuses for why they allow themselves to watch movies that trash their self-proclaimed values, read books that trash their self-proclaimed values, and watch TV that trashes their self-proclaimed values. (So they end up immersed in all the things they claim to fight.)

It's increasingly confusing, especially when you see frum people (including VERY frum-looking people) involve themselves in aspects of the non-Jewish world that aren't so appropriate for them (or for any frum Jew, actually).

And they receive enormous accolades for this, including the impression that they are creating a big kiddush Hashem.

It's very, very confusing.

​So what's a person to do?

Basically, we need to realize what's going on:

Sodom is back.

Dor HaFlagah is back.

Dor HaMabul is back.

The Erev Rav are back & mighty powerful.

In the non-Jewish world, it's easy enough to figure that almost anything promoted probably reflects an agenda of those 3 ancient generations, whether it's a value system promoted in mainstream science or media, novels, social science bestsellers, political movements, movies, TV, and so on.

In the Jewish world, it's easy enough to see that a secular Jew fighting Torah is Erev Rav, but much harder when the Jew looks frum and seems to be on the side of good.

For example, in Surviving Spiritually Today, Rav Itamar Schwartz relates the story of the daughter of an avreich who attends a charedi seminary where she learns that she must get a job to support her husband in Torah. 

Rav Schwartz notes that the seminary taught a lot of good Torah & hashkafah from well-known speakers, but one of the "charedi" teachers also encouraged this girl to find a job working in the Israeli government because those jobs are the steadiest and bring the best pension — all for the sake of supporting the husband in Torah, of course.

Rav Itamar Schwartz responds:    

Rav Schwartz is generally against receiving any financial support from the Israeli government because of their Erev Rav souls, all the more so, sending a precious bat Yisrael to go work for them.

Rav Schwartz strongly opposes working in "impure" places because it affects one's Torah. 

As he mentions regarding the famous Chazal, "If there is no flour, there's no Torah," if the flour is wormy, then the Torah learned will also be wormy.

So it's genuinely confusing. 

As Rav Schwartz notes:

The post was sparked by 2 posts I came across on the same day, which I saw as a message from Hashem:

• ​Living an Inner Life in Today's Generation
• Rav Avigdor Miller on How To Become A Baal Teshuva

They both contained the same message: Disconnect.

That is so, so hard to do nowadays.

Even if you've physically isolated yourself into a frum neighborhood, you still have your gadgets.

In many places throughout the world, you can no longer carry out certain necessary functions without Internet access.

​So in some areas, even very sincerely frum people have some sort of Internet gadget (with the best filter available, of course).

And even if you've got a strong filter and read only "frum" sites, a lot of mixed hashkafah still gets through.

Also, a lot of frum people work in spiritually difficult environments. The environment might be non-Jewish, secular Jewish, or frum with secular hashkafot.

And something else that isn't spoken of much is family members who aren't on the level.

The most obvious is a secular family who does teshuvah later, but one of the spouses or kids never makes the switch, yet lives in the frum home.

However, there are frum people who got married in the frum way, but are stuck with a spouse who lacks integrity or looks for loopholes and finds the outside world attractive.

Also, a lot of teens who teeter still live at home and they bring in their cell phone, their clothing styles, their secular music, and new attitudes into the home.

(Sure, the parents can tell them not to...and watch how that doesn't work either.)

In some cases, they even bring a girlfriend (but it's usually temporary & secretive, so the family doesn't know about it).

Parents often try to find another living situation for them, but it often either doesn't work out, the child refuses to go, or the child still comes back for vacations and the like.

Pop psychology, which infiltrated the frum community, placed the blame squarely on the parents.

I used to buy into that too.

But over the years, I couldn't help noticing families in which the mother strove with everything she had (even if it wasn't much) to be a good parent while her husband was dysfunctional in some way.

Despite the motto "A child needs only one good parent!", I soon realized that often wasn't true.

Children need fathers. They need GOOD fathers. They just do. That's how Hashem set things up.

So the mother, who was actually killing herself to parent healthily in an unhealthy situation, still suffered at least one child going off the derech (at least temporarily) while also being shoved into the same "problematic parent" box as her truly problematic husband.

​Not fair.

Furthermore, even two very good parents often cannot overcome an overall poor school experience.

And I even know couples who get along very well and attended chinuch classes (which they took very seriously), strove to find the school to best fit their kids, kept an Internet-free home, and still ended up with problems with a couple of their kids.

So a lot of stuff gets into the home regardless of what you do. 

So with being attacked from within & without, plus our own yetzer hara, what's a Jew to do?

So...you disconnect as much as you can from Dor HaMabul, Dor HaFlagah, Sodom, and Erev Rav.

And you do so not just by sur me'ra (turning from evil), but also aseh tov (doing good).

You make up a schedule to learn some authentic Torah everyday, whether that's Rashi on Mishlei or Pele Yoetz or Mesillat Yesharim — and even if it's only 5 minutes or 1 paragraph a day.

Spending time reading or listening to Rav Avigdor Miller's shiurim can also have a profound effect.

Rav Shimshon Dovid Pincus's books also provide tremendous influence in an enjoyable way.

​If you have more time, you can even make a whole project out of it — yes, even if you're limited to English only.

For example, let's say you wish to really imbibe the Pele Yoetz. So you go to the first chapter (Love of God) and read it in English HERE. 

Then you go to the page where all the chapters are arranged (HERE), and you click on the arrow on the left side of the shiur by Rabbi Eli Mansour to listen on the spot or you click on the right download it.

Then you mosey on over to Torahanytime.com, where you find Rabbi Noach Oelbaum's shiur on that same chapter (HERE) and you listen to that.

With all that, you are well on your way to being positively & profoundly influenced by the authentic Torah of the Pele Yoetz.

Personally, I'm very into filling up our minds & hearts with good and pushing out the not-good that way. It's much more natural and more effective.

​Things work best when you simply DON'T WANT the bad stuff.

(I wrote about my personal experience with that here: What is the Most Painless Path to True Teshuvah?)

Needless to say, I'm still working on this all myself.

Many posts result from my own struggles in these areas.

And finally yet most importantly: real tefillah from your heart in your own words.

Even a few minutes a day can reap rewards.

Another way to chart the downward spiral of Western society is to look at the blatant hypocrisy taking hold.

And I don't just mean how rioting about the accidental death of a womanizing, thieving, formerly violent drug-addicted irresponsible father at the hands of a police officer who was clearly power-tripping his sadistic streak...when some American cities have recently had their largest number of shootings EVER in a 24-hour period and nearly all the victims are black and you don't hear a word about it from BLM.

(In fact, because police are now reluctant to patrol dangerous neighborhoods properly, these same neighborhoods are seeing higher-than-ever numbers of shootings & murders, including the shooting-murder of a 7-year-old black girl...who might've been protected if a police officer of any color had been in the vicinity.)

Nor do I mean the whole narrative of hating whites and demanding reparations over Southern slavery from 2 centuries ago, when black Africans fully cooperated with white slave traders to capture other black Africans, and the first official slave-holder in a America was NOT A WHITE MAN, but a black man named Anthony Johnson in 1655 (and even then slave laws were only passed in 1661, so Johnson was quite the early adapter), and that there were also black slave-owners in the American South and that, on average, they were considered much harsher & stingier (by the black slaves themselves) toward their slaves than the white slave-owners were.

​(And also that black slavery with black masters is still part of Africa today while the overwhelming majority of white Americans think slavery is atrocious and never want it to return.)

And hardly any of the people who say they care about human rights & slavery care or even know about the above.

But I don't mean those examples of hypocrisy.

Another blatant hypocrisy exists.

And that's the hypocrisy regarding evil and not. 
​
One example of this hypocrisy is that of the decades-long best-selling fantasy author whose daughter worked up the courage to reveal the truth about her astoundingly successful mother and her father.

Though I never read her mother's books, I remember this author well because I always saw her name featured more prominently than her titles on her novels in the promotional displays in every book store, in addition to seeing her books in many homes.

One of her fantasy series has remained a best-seller for decades and she created a popular fantasy magazine that gave many successful fantasy writers their start.

Yet this same author was attracted to her own gender, yet oddly chose to marry a man attracted to his own gender. (And in their circles, this guarantees infidelity.)

Furthermore, the author's husband already had a court conviction of abusing boys.

Also, this author copyedited her husband's book, which glorified the abuse of boys by men.

These are the objective facts outside the daughter's accusations.

Their daughter also recalls terrible abuse at the hands of her mother, plus being trafficked for abuse by her mother's "friends"!

With her mother's full knowledge, her father founded an infamous organization dedicated to the abuse of boys, and also abused a series of boys until the daughter called the police and ultimately put her father in prison, where he later died.

(Her mother also abused children, but I'm not sure whether she was convicted of it.)

Her brother corroborates her stories of abuse and their parents' depravity.

Court evidence shows that the mother knew of her husband's abuse of children (how could she not when she helped copyedit his book about it?), but did nothing about it. (She wouldn't because she was the same. Actually, her daughter says she was even worse.)

Reviews of her stories include remarks of disgust at the glorified exploitation of children featured within these best-selling novels. Many comment along the lines of: What kind of person would write something like that?

The glorification of depravity was blatant enough that some fans stopped reading her books because they found the author's positive attitude toward the content so disturbing.

The radical feminism & toeva were also blatant enough that some readers described those aspects of the series as "preachy."

On a personal level, both fans & newbie writers sometimes ended up verbally attacked by this author when they approached her at conventions (when it is appropriate to approach a writer because that's why they're there).

In short, there is a lot of corroboration to back up the daughter's revelations.

Yet who has heard of this scandal?

Was there any widespread movement to boycott the books or condemn the author?

There was a very brief blitz in the media (particularly among sci-fi/fantasy writers) that passed by mostly unnoticed by the public (as far as I could tell).

Some readers vowed never to read her books again. A couple of fellow sci-fi & fantasy authors also resolved never to read the books again or support anything to do with the author.

But much of the condemnation came with tiptoe-through-the-tulips terms like calling the revelations "tragic" or emphasizing the need to "separate the art from the artist" or philosophizing that "talented doesn't mean good" (as if we didn't know that already) along with expressing gratitude toward the author's professional deeds while expressing tepid disapproval of the author, referring to her as a "flawed creator."

I would say she's heinous, monstrous, and utterly corrupt — not merely "flawed." 

The author's former literary super-agent responded by saying they're "aware of allegations," yet lacked "personal knowledge" of the allegations, saying that the author was "an enormously kind person."

This was clearly not true because in addition to her depraved writing, it is easy to find reports of very bad behavior. She lashed out at both fans & novice writers.

Also, like I said, some of her books were so sick that readers questioned what kind of person who could write and promote such sick things. And that was before the allegations came out.

The literary agency (one of the stars in that field) knew her work.

They knew she wrote & promoted really sick things — exactly the things her daughter accused her of doing.

There was obviously a real disconnect going on.

​One author/editor who'd worked with the depraved fantasy writer even warned the public not to believe "sensationalist rumors." (Bet she wasn't nearly as circumspect regarding #metoo.)

Oh, but she took it back later, claiming her words were "ill-considered."

("Ill-considered," eh? How about "really cruel and flippant"? I guess that's because she can't admit that her value system is what's really "ill-considered.")

To be fair, this same author-editor later offered a big apology & even assisted the police on behalf of the daughter, but made a weird statement saying that her mistake was that she thought that the depraved author's husband "had not acted on his proclivities."

Seriously?

Does she mean to say that she knew he was depraved about young boys, but was okay with it as long as he didn't act on it?

​And these are the people deciding what society reads.​

​Yet when the extremely liberal-bordering-on-Leftist and beloved J.K. Rowling made a little tweet saying something about gender that is completely sensible & obvious to all (while expressing sympathy for people who think they are the gender they aren't), society exploded.

She came under attack from social media harassment, baseless accusations, cancellation, nasty slurs, threats of violence against her, and calls for her books to be burned. 

Staff at her publishing company refused to work on her new book in protest and several authors left their literary agency, which also represents J.K. Rowling.

This particularly revolts me because no one refused to work on the Heinous Monster's books which promoted her really horrific agenda.

And while I know one author did leave that agency without saying why (possibly because of that), no one else did even though the agency peddled the actual books that promoted this agenda (as opposed to J.K. Rowling's tweet, which has nothing to do with her literary agency). 

So authors had a very good reason to leave the Heinous Monster's agency, seeing as the agency showed an appalling lack of morals, but authors didn't leave (except for possibly one).

And authors had absolutely no reason to leave J.K. Rowling's agency (literary agents don't manage or even necessarily see their authors' tweets), yet they still did leave.

(I admit that this type of "progressive" response to the issue makes me want to crawl into a shell and never come out. Then I remember where I live & that I am actually already IN a shell! Phew!)

​What's bizarre is that J.K. Rowling has expressed empathy for these people, has befriended them, and even supports gender reassignment surgery in a minority of cases!

So she's definitely on the extreme liberal side of things.

Yet because she doesn't deny basic obvious biological FACT, she has been shlepped across the coals & been accused of hating such people, along with a lot of other blah-blah-blah.

So you see very clearly the values of society and what's important to people.

Thus we have a society in which a person who indulges in & supports the severe abuse & exploitation of children, who is accused of nearly murdering her own daughter and trafficking her out to friends — such a person is "flawed" and "tragic."

We are advised to "separate the art from the artist!"

But a person who says that physical biological gender exists is labeled as "phobic" and "hating" to the point that staff refuses to work on her book, she's boycotted and cancelled, and slammed across the globe?

This clearly demonstrates very sick priorities & revolting hypocrisy.

Please note that the above comparison is like-and-like.

Meaning, J.K. Rowling & the Heinous Monster are both Left-leaning liberal, female, feminist, wildly popular, best-selling fantasy writers.

​And look at the difference in response to their "misdeeds." (In J.K. Rowling's case, it wasn't even a misdeed, but merely a perceived misdeed...because she was actually correct.)

And before you point out that J.K. Rowling made a tweet of her own views, while it's the daughter making allegations against the other author, please remember that the awful author made her sick views very clear in her books.

I've never read any of her books, but in one series in particular, readers expressed discomfort with the display of such depravity. Again, it was promoted to the point that some readers even called it "preachy."

Again, she knew her husband had been convicted of abusing boys before they married, she knew he founded an organization dedicated to that, and she copyedited his book glorifying such abuse, plus she promoted this kind of abuse, plus toeva & radical feminism in her books.

So yeah, she didn't make a tweet of her beliefs, but her actions & writing clearly pushed a depraved & harmful agenda.

This again follows the theme of who your martyr is says a lot about you.

But in this case, it's the same theme turned on its head.

Here, it's about who is your villain & what that says about you.

Related posts:

• What Your Chosen "Martyrs" Say about You (in addition to the fact that in a pandemic, gathering in prayer is apparently dangerous & irresponsible, but gathering in violent riots is totally fine)

​​

• How would You Like to Take Your Poison: Scrambled or Sunny-Side Up?​

In the Pele Yoetz's chapter Character Traits/Middot, Rav Eliezer Papo addresses the personality that seems "born to be bad"— a bad seed, in other words.

He rhetorically asks what shall a "son" do if he personifies the following:

• his middot are bad
• the thought patterns of his very mind (dei'ot) are warped 
• he strays from the way of good sense (seichel)
• he says to bad: "Good" and to good, he says "Bad"...

...and to compound things, the above dynamics are perfectly "straight in his eyes."

"This is a sick evil with no cure," Rav Papo pronounces.

That sounds pretty hopeless.

Also, notice he doesn't just say it's bad. Rav Papo calls such a situation a ra'ah cholah — the ra'ah, the evil is not only evil, it's cholah — it's sick.

And it's apparently 100% incurable.

So what's a "son" to do?

(It's also interesting that he uses the word ben, "son" or "child," rather than "person" or "man." I don't know why he uses that term.)

Never give up! Despite his stoic assessment, Rav Papo has some tips for such a hopelessly awful person:
​

• He must pour out his soul 3 times a day during Shemoneh Esrei (apparently, Rav Papo also composed a special prayer for the sickly evil person to say at the appropriate point in Shemoneh Esrei)
• He must request that Hashem rectify him with good counsel to be made whole in his middot, his mind, and in all aspects of spiritual wholeness. (In other words, he needs to complete whatever he's missing, even though it's admittedly a lot.)
• He must do what is good & upright in the eyes of God & man.
• He must constantly learn mussar books.
• He must submit himself to Torah scholars.
• He must learn from the behavior of Torah scholars.
• He must not deviate from anything they say, no matter how it sounds to him.
• He must not rely on his own understanding.
• He must nullify his opinion before that of others.
• He must nullify his desire before that of others.
• He must utilize every last bit of strength to go against his nature.
• He must utilize every last bit of strength to go against his way of thinking.

Finally, he must strive to actualize all of the above until he it's ingrained within him and Hashem opens his eyes to allow him to see with his eyes & understand with his heart which is the straight path.

Then he'll repent and heal.

It's important to note that Rav Papo makes no promises; he prefaces the above by saying ulai — perhaps he will be saved. Maybe.

At the same time, a person who commits to the above program is fairly certain to succeed, Rav Papo reassures us.

He reminds us that any person who comes to purify him- or herself merits assistance directly from Heaven.

Also, l'fum tza'ara agra — according to the effort you invest, that's what you'll reap.​

(It's also illuminating to learn how Shemoneh Esrei plays such a powerful role in transforming an awful person. It's clear from the Pele Yoetz that Shemoneh Esrei said with kavanah, plus the inclusion of heartfelt personal pleading at the appropriate point, is a type of segulah for one imbued with "sick evil.")

Rav Papo emphasizes that life is not a Monopoly game.

There is no Get Out of Gehinnom Free! card.

​He states:

This will not extract him from the the "hands" of transgression.

Why? 

Rav Papo wraps up this short (but powerful!) chapter by reminding us that a person's entire purpose of existence is to:

• toil in Torah
• provide contentment (nachat ruach) to Hashem

How does this apply to us today?

The "I'm okay, you're okay" mentality developed in the Seventies has seeped into over 2 generations so far.

Long before that, you had Popeye the Sailorman inculcating generations of small children by singing "I yam what yam and that's all that I yam!" (I am what I am and that's all that I am.)

​In the Seventies & Eighties, blaming negative experiences & faulty upbringings excused a lot of poor behavior — including in the courtroom.

Unfortunately, many well-intentioned frum people (in a desire to give the benefit of the doubt) embraced this way of thinking and inadvertently justify unjustifiable behavior.

(Doing so is a form of chanifah, by the way; a severe Torah prohibition.)

Then came labels and that's still in vogue: narcissist, personality disorder, psychopath, sociopath, hyperactive, and so on.

​(I use these terms too, by the way, because I find them a good short-cut to conveying a certain idea. But modern pop psychology uses them to support a different agenda.)

Tremendous amounts of literature exist on whether psychopaths are born or made (some say psychopaths are born while sociopaths are made), whether narcissist personality disorder is an inherited disorder, genetic determination, and so on.

And also, there is so much discussion as to whether any of the above can be cured. (Science says it can't...although the field epigenetics is fighting against the idea of genetic determination. Epigenetics basically means that your thoughts & behavior can activate or deactivate various genes.)

But the answers were laid out in this short chapter nearly 2 centuries ago.

In other words, a person who is a narcissist or a psychopath will not be excused for their abusive behavior when standing before the Heavenly Court.

​And they're not totally hopeless either.

Either way, the "Popeye defense" will not be admissible in Court.

It's important to stress that showing compassion for someone going through a hard time is not the same as justifying bad behavior.

​I think we've all encountered people who behave like a person crying & thrashing out in pain, like the emotional version of a person with a foot caught crushed in an animal trap.

That's their emotional state.

And probably we've all behaved in that way at least once ourselves.

If so, we probably remember with gratitude any people who showed us compassion while we were trapped in that state. Maybe they even helped us out of it (i.e., managed to extract our mangled foot from the crushing trap).

So if someone is going through a difficult time or if they are really struggling to work on themselves, but fail at times, then why not give them a break?

Why not give them the benefit of the doubt, along with some patience, compassion, and encouragement?

After all, no one is perfect!

However, people who consistently behave badly with little or no remorse — and have done so for most of their lives?

And furthermore, they don't even seem to know that their behavior is hurtful or wrong?

Their trail of transgressions isn't going to be swept clean.

And please note that the description of personality disorders and psycho/sociopathy is completely encompassed by Rav Papo's description of a person imbued with "sick evil." 

Evil looks good to such a person. That's what he says. Think about that for a minute.

Think about what that means & everything that implies.

And even more strangely, goodness looks BAD.

His or her very way of thinking (de'ot) is ugly; it's all warped.

And all the wrong, warped, crazy thoughts & attitudes seem perfectly upright (yashar) in the eyes of such a person.

They're the normal person (in their own mind).

They're the superior person (in their own mind).

Yet ultimately, they don't have any excuse.

Somewhere inside of them, implies the Pele Yoetz, is some type of awareness they can access and then utilize for self-improvement.

​In other words, they are still expected to try.

​We are doing neither victims nor their persecutors a favor by justifying halachically forbidden behavior.

If it's forbidden, then it's forbidden.

And if a person habitually indulges in such behavior, and thinks it's perfectly right while being convinced that the opposite behavior (a mitzvah) is wrong, then we certainly cannot minimize or whitewash it with platitudes like, "Oh, that's just the way she is" or "He was abused as a child." And so on.

And tough luck to any of us born with any bad middot or da'ot that make good behavior feel all wrong.

We're just going to have to work even harder and suffer more discomfort than others.

That's all.

​But in the end, all that exertion & discomfort turns into something wonderful (Eternal Life) if we keep on pushing.

When you see the same values emphasized repeatedly throughout Jewish scholarship, regardless of the era, surrounding culture, and anything else, then you know it is a core universal Torah value.

Likewise when Rav Avigdor Miller (a Slabodka-educated American rav from the 20th century) emphasizes the same points — even word for word at times! — as Rav Eliezer Papo (a Sefardi rav living in Muslim Bulgaria in the late 1700s-early 1800s), then you know that means that is core Torah value that must be taken to heart.

Rav Avigdor Miller has discussed the importance of taking care not to hurt people with words. (Please see Destructive Words & Healing Words: Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Behar-Bechukotai.) 

And Rav Papo does the same in his masterpiece Pele Yoetz.

(The following points are gleaned from the chapters Ona'ah/Deceit & Fraud, pg. 86-87, and Klilot 1/General Principles I, #26, pg. 666-667.)

The Pele Yoetz notes that ona'at devarim (harmful words) is more severe than ona'at mamon (monetary fraud).

​Many of us struggle to get our head around that idea.

Due to outside influences, verbal abuse and other harmful words are often shrugged off as "Oh, he's just letting off steam; he doesn't mean anything by it" or "That's just how she is — blunt! Don't take it so much to heart" or "Just kidding!"

However, if someone steals or tricks a person out of money (even a small amount), does anyone ever say, "Oh, he's just greedy like that, but he doesn't mean anything by it" or "That's just how she is — a fraudster! Don't take it so much to heart" or "Just kidding!"?

​At the same time, the Pele Yoetz gives the benefit of the doubt by acknowledging that many people stumble in this prohibition because they do not know what hurtful speech entails.

So here is Rav Eliezer Papo's definition:

This also includes returning a hurt with a hurt.

So if you say something hurtful to someone who hurt you (even in jest!), says the Pele Yoetz, then in addition to the prohibition of hurtful speech, you are also transgressing the prohibition against taking revenge.

And exactly how careful do we need to be with the prohibition against hurtful speech?

​Here's the Pele Yoetz again:

​At one point, the Pele Yoetz goes on to emphasize the Heavenly punishment for such things: "total destruction."

Is your stomach clenching at these words? Are you getting that "Uh-oh" feeling?

Is your heart sinking as you remember all the times you were "just kidding" or "just being honest" or only doing to them what they did to you — or even the innocent words said when you do care about feelings, but simply weren't aware of how they affected the other person? 

(That's how I felt reading the above.)

Well, never fear!

The Pele Yoetz has some helpful tips for us.

Here's the main one:

​So all the things that make you go "Grrrr..."?

Just do your best not to do those to others.

Here is another tip to know how to avoid ona'at devarim:

Be careful to avoid hurting another person via:

• speech (dibur)
• action (ma'aseh)
• looking (r'eya)
• hinting (remizah)

It's very interesting to note that ona'at devarim also includes hurting someone via non-verbal methods, like facial expressions or staring, and also via purely physical non-verbal acts.

Yeah, I knew they were prohibited, but I didn't know they were prohibited as ona'at devarim — hurtful words. 

​(This is why it is so important to review mussar on a regular basis. How many times have I read this section and missed the point that your eyes & actions can also transgress ona'at devarim without saying a word?)

Also, hinting, looking, and action all fall into the realm of emotional abuse (as "forgetting," accidentally-on-purpose behavior, sabotaging, "gas-lighting," etc.).

That's pretty heavy.

Even decent people sometimes say hurtful words.

Let's look at some situations addressed by the Pele Yoetz:

• Situation #1 
"He hurt me first."

As mentioned above, this is revenge and severely prohibited by the Torah.

• Situation #2
"He is a total jerk — I mean REALLY bad. He deserves it."

Unless this is an open admonition from love, says the Pele Yoetz, then it is not only revenge, but you are being used as the punishing stick to punish this wicked person.

Why is that a problem? (After all, the jerk really does deserve it!)

The answer is in Shmuel I:24:14 — "From evil people comes evil — Mershaim yetzeh resha..."

As Rashi says there: As punishment, Hashem decrees that a bad man falls into the hands of another man bad like himself.

So in a nutshell, Hashem uses unpleasant people to carry out unpleasant tasks.

It's already problematic enough that the jerk is a bad person. "Why should [you let him make] his fellow wicked like him?" asks the Pele Yoetz rhetorically.

​(Meaning, why should you insert yourself into the category of reshaim by being the punishment for the jerk?)

• Situation #3
"Just kidding! LOL! I'm not being serious. It's all in jest. Anyway, everyone loves it — they're literally rolling on the floor with laughter. And the comment got so many likes and retweets..."

Oh boy.

If it's in a joking manner, says the Pele Yoetz, then: 

Yuck.

​That's very strong imagery.

​It's as if you stab your friend, then extract his blood and produce a comedy skit from it.

Along these lines, the Pele Yoetz answers the excuse: "I'm joking! — Misachek ani!" with the following:

The Pele Yoetz also says the same about people who pain their friends via joking & giddiness in order to increase merriment.  

Having said all that, no one is perfect and reading minds impossible.

At the end of Ona'ah/Deceit, Rav Eliezer Papo reminds us that we must constantly strive (yishtadel) to cultivate in others a favorable attitude toward ourselves, so that they'll feel comfortable around us.

Hashem doesn't expect us to be perfect, but He does expect us to TRY.

And as long as we try, then Rav Papo promises that the attitude of Hashem will likewise be favorable toward us.

(This should also be some comfort for times when we're forced to deal with bitter or abusive people who insist on playing the victim or who actively seek out "faults" in order to justify their abusive behavior, and do not wish to view their victims in a favorable light. As long as you TRY to avoid hurting others, you're still okay with Hashem.)

While I definitely remained pro-yishuv Eretz Yisrael, I started backing off of passionate encouragement of aliyah when I became aware of people in either impossible or difficult situations who cannot get up & move right now.

My heart also went out to Jews who don't feel they can seriously consider settling in Eretz Yisrael right now — NOT because they are obsessively materialistic & doing their best to live a somewhat kashered version of Lifestyle of the Rich & Famous, but rather because they are so overwhelmed in their current lives by all the stresses and burdens that they simply cannot imagine:
​

• taking on the extra stress & burdens of managing in a language they may not know so well
• dealing with a very different culture & mentality
• a severely narrowed standard of living
• plus dealing with getting their children acclimated and...
• ...knowing that if their kids are over the age of 6 they have a significantly higher chance of going off the derech because of the move to Eretz Yisrael.

By the way, impossible situations include:

• divorced parents sharing child custody & the parent who wants to go cannot abandon his or her children.
• a spouse who REFUSES to move, including a spouse who is not frum or a spouse who is abusive
• a job skill that isn't transferable
• really serious debt
• some are performing vital lifesaving roles, like running vital institutions and the like
• legal entanglements (i.e., some people literally cannot get a passport or leave the USA)
• people with older children who don't want to go
• people whose married children and their grandchildren all live in the USA & their heart breaks at the thought of leaving them behind (including not being there for their children when they need or their children not being there for them in their need)
• the responsibility for family members handicapped by old age, ill health, mental or physical problems, etc.
• people in prison or hospitalized, or who have family for whom they're responsible who are incarcerated or hospitalized

(And yes, Eretz Yisrael has facilities to meet the vast majority of the needs mentioned in the last list — some even better than those in the USA — but the move & adjustment themselves can really wreak havoc on these people, depending on their situation.)

​Also, some people follow a couple of VERY BIG talmidei chachamim from the previous generation who opposed settling en masse in Eretz Yisrael for reasons clearly stated in the Gemara. (And there is also the practical challenge of absorbing millions of Jews in a short amount of time, although certainly, Hashem can do anything.)

And if you know anything about the modern history of the anti-religious radical-Leftist Tziyoinim (whether it was starving the very religious Jews of Yerushalayim and Mazkeret Batya — including the children — out of commission or the horror of what they did to the Yemenite children), you'll concur that these great talmidei chacham at least had a point (even if you personally hold by another opinion).

It goes without saying that in any discussion of what Jews should do, halacha must be the prime directive.

So here an analysis on the actual halacha of leaving chu"l to settle in Eretz Yisrael:
Settling the Land of Israel as a Contemporary Mitzvah

And here is an analysis of the Three Oaths and how they pertain to us today:
The Three Oaths

As you can see, the author is an intelligent and knowledgeable charedi rabbi who leans toward settling in Eretz Yisrael and indeed, he himself lives in Eretz Yisrael.

But he clearly addresses reasons why maybe someone can't right now.

And in his great integrity, he presents the opposing opinions with the respect they deserve.

Also, Rav Itamar Schwartz is a charedi Israeli talmid chacham in favor of mitzvat yishuv Eretz Yisrael who discusses the question of aliyah:
To Live in Eretz Yisrael or Not

Even though it is a question of whether one is wholly obligated to live in Eretz Yisrael (or if one is, whether it's Biblical or Rabbinical), but because there is a level of kedushah that can only be reached in Eretz Yisrael, Rav Schwartz thinks Jews should come because we all have an obligation to connect to kedushah.

However, Rav Schwartz also opines:

• Rabbeinu Chaim (one of the Baalei HaTosafot & I think a grandson of Rashi) says that because of spiritual & physical danger, there is no actual obligation to live in Eretz Yisrael today. (Meaning, it's a really good & meritorious thing to do in Hashem's Eyes and the only way to reach certain levels of kedushah, but it's not an actual obligation.)

 

• If you live in Eretz Yisrael, you must COMPLETELY separate from the Erev Rav. (Easier said than done.)

​So those 3 analyses of halacha are very important to read.

​Also, here is a quote from the Pele Yoetz (Eretz Yisrael, page 61) along the same lines as Rav Schwartz:

Most people I know who chose to come to Eretz Yisrael experienced a lot of siyata d'Shmaya.

First of all, many felt they simply must live in Eretz Yisrael.

That was me.

Hashem forced me to come to Eretz Yisrael when I was 16 and I unexpectedly fell very deeply & all-encompassingly in love with the Land.

It also sparked my journey into authentic Torah observance.

It was a very emotional decision for which I can take NO credit.

I simply despised living anywhere else and only wanted to make Eretz Yisrael my home.

That's it.

And I'm very grateful for that.

Here are other examples:

• Others find themselves swept here by a spouse or their family, and then adapt. They never leave, except for visits or business.

 

• Others lose their parnassah in America and decide, "Well, if I'm going to be poor anyway, I might as well be poor in Eretz Yisrael!" — and they come on over.

 

• Still others live in chutznik communities that lack frum conveniences. Eretz Yisrael actually ends up being MORE comfortable for them. (That was my situation too.) There is no yeshivah or frum girls high school within a 3-state radius. Tsniyus clothes are nearly impossible to find, as is kosher pizza or cholov Yisrael anything, if you miss one minyan then you're on your own because that was the only one (or two)...and then they come to Eretz Yisrael and the frum life is suddenly so much easier.

There are many stories and you'll see there's always a thread of tremendous siyata d'Shmaya running through each one.

If someone lives in Eretz Yisrael, it's not because they are loftier, more pious, more spiritual, or innately superior to those living in Eretz Yisrael (although there are many lofty, pious, spiritual, and innately great Jews living in Eretz Yisrael).

A Jew living in Eretz Yisrael is merely luckier. That Jew has some sort of merit that enabled the mitzvah to happen.

​In other words, Hashem planted the desire in the person and then made it happen.

Conversely:

• Some people never have the desire (or davka desire NOT to live in Eretz Yisrael).

 

• Some people come & try very hard to stay, but simply cannot handle it. They may even try for as long as 10 years, and never manage. 

Hashem has a plan for each person. It may not be a sweet plan, but there is definitely a plan.

And we can never know what that plan really is for someone else.

Also, I've grown to dislike the idea of coming to Eretz Yisrael because it is safer than chu"l.

I used to think that was a valid argument, but I no longer do.

Yes, Hashem's "Eyes" are always upon Eretz Yisrael and there is extra siyata d'Shmaya & hashkacha.

(For more on that concept, please see The Safest Place in the World.)

And yes, I personally feel MUCH safer in Eretz Yisrael than anywhere in chu"l.

But the Jews of Eretz Yisrael have historically suffered massacres, earthquakes, plagues, poverty, starvation, terror attacks, war, missile attacks, suicide bombings, riots, and sociopathic Torah-hating Leftists.

Also, the mefarshim I've read regarding the End of Days (like Chessed L'Avraham) indicate that there will be Jews & non-Jews alive outside of Eretz Yisrael and at least Jews alive within Eretz Yisrael when all is said and done.

Also, there is this idea:
Facts & Intriguing Ideas about the Ingathering of the Exiles by Rav Zamir Cohen

But back to running from dangers like Jew-hatred...

Jew-hatred also exists in Eretz Yisrael, though it's expressed differently than in chu"l.

​A Jew lives in Eretz Yisrael for spiritual reasons.

Sure, you can appreciate other perks, like kosher pizza, delicious affordable chalav Yisrael dairy products, finally dwelling amid a Jewish majority, and many other advantages.

But to come here because it seems physically safer?

That's like all the Russian non-Jews came because Israel has less crime and a better economy than the Ukraine. 

Or all the African migrants who come because it's a tremendously better standard of living.

Also, Jews who come for non-spiritual reasons end up fomenting a lot of din on themselves and the Nation at large.

​(Again, to understand this concept better, please see To Live in Eretz Yisrael or Not.)

After all, this is a Land who vomits out her inhabitants when their behavior makes her sick.

So Jew-hatred is really a lot more about Jewish self-hatred.

​In other words, it has more to do with us than them.

In other words, the Jew-hatred one escapes from chu"l can follow the Jew to Eretz Yisrael (albeit in a different form) if we don't act like Jews (which means following the Torah AUTHENTICALLY and with A HAPPY HEART).

(For more on that idea, please see God Just Wants Us to Enjoy Life & Have Fun: Rav Miller on Parshat Ki Tavo.)

So please come to Eretz Yisrael, but come with a desire to grow in Yiddishkeit & to achieve levels you cannot achieve elsewhere.

So all of the above is why I chose to focus more on teshuvah, inner growth, and stuff like that.

First of all, that is always what Chazal emphasizes first & foremost in life.

(For example, you can still earn a magnificent Olam Haba if you never set foot in Eretz Yisrael. But you can forget about a magnificent Olam Haba if you never keep Shabbat or kashrut, or if you act like a jerk or a thief.)

Secondly, inner growth and tefillah open up locked pathways, both spiritually & actually.

Inner growth & tefillah can awaken a desire for Eretz Yisrael.

Inner growth & tefillah can bring about healing or softening and create situations in which seemingly insurmountable problems solve themselves.

​So to me, that seems to be the most effective path toward our ultimate good.

So that was my focus: yishuv ha'Aretz? GREAT idea.

IF you can do it.

​But then things started changing and I saw that very great rabbanim were making more of a call to come to Eretz Yisrael.

Also, whether it's in emails to me or shiurim online, I see that many frum American Jews are starting to feel foreboding. Something changed because they didn't feel this before.

More significantly, I came across this video from 2015 with Rav Kanievsky (which I probably saw back then, but had forgotten about):
Rav Kanievsky: Mitzvah La'alot

(It also includes an English-translation transcript beneath the video.)

When asked on behalf of Lakewood Jews whether they need to come to Eretz Yisrael, Rav Kanievsky says in this video that it is a Torah mitzvah to come to Eretz Yisrael now and not wait for Mashiach to bring them.

Please note that the questions are specifically about the Jews in Lakewood who tend to be a very charedi yeshivish type. In other words, these aren't Jews who think it's okay to make all sorts of compromises so they can live with a foot in the frum world and an equally firm foot in the non-Jewish world.

Also, I don't normally read INN nor do they represent my hashkafah, but their link is a way to see Rav Kanievsky without all the shmutz of YouTube (at least for me; maybe it depends on your filter?).

In a comment to a previous post, I wrote the following: 

So this is the proof I requested, which again, I probably saw back in 2015, but forgot.

It's embarrassing when that happens, but it needs to be owned up to, so I am.

​Also, there is this recent message in Hebrew by Rabbi Yekutiel Fish who quotes what Rav Kanievsky said (and says that Rav Kanievsky repeated this 5 times), and boy, does it sound urgent — like people should come NOW:
מדברי-הרב-קנייבסקי-הקורונה-זה-הצלה

At around point 3:17, Rabbi Fish says that Rav Kanievsky calls for us to "have mercy on your souls" and that there won't be stronger and more obvious hints than this "as if HaKadosh Baruch Hu is speaking."

Apparently, Rav Kanievsky said that Hashem has been bringing strong hurricanes, extreme weather changes that haven't been seen for many years, decrees against frum education, and all sorts of bad stuff as hints prior to the COVID-19 meshugas.  

And apparently, Rav Kanievsky said that Jews will be safer in Eretz Yisrael, but again, I really wish I could see & hear WHAT exactly Rav Kanievsky said and HOW he said it.

Therefore, I still prefer a video/audio tape because you see even in the above INN article, exclamation points are added where there were none in Rav Kanievsky's speech. (It also wasn't always clear to me when Rabbi Fish was directly quoting the rav and when he was supporting with his own divrei Torah).
 
Things started coming together more when I read this article by Rav Shalom Arush:
Stay Put for Now
 
That's more the attitude I've decided to adopt.
 
Then I came across a clip from Rabbi Wallerstein on Hidabroot. You can see that same clip here:
Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein calls on US Jews to make Aliyah
 
And I decided to listen to the original shiur, which can be found here:
It's Time to Go
 
And at minutes 8:00-8:54, Rabbi Wallerstein speaks about what's really going on:
 
It's NOT to run to Eretz Yisrael to escape coronavirus (which was admittedly much easier in Eretz Yisrael than the USA, but it doesn't have to stay that way; historically, Jews in Eretz Yisrael suffered disease & malnutrition more than the Jews in chu"l).
 
It's not to escape Jew-targeting street crime (we have a 5th column living among us, plus Hamas & ISIS on our borders) and all sorts of wacky Jew-hating authorities (Erev Rav, anyone?).
 
It is because America (and Europe) have reached a point where they've become spiritually dangerous.
 
And that's the final "click" I've been searching for.

Both America & Europe have been on a downward spiral for decades now.

Europe threw out God & any associated morality long before, which is why you see Europe falling more obviously than you see America's fall.

Europe doesn't have that sizable "In God we trust" population that fights for a moment of prayer in school.

Europe has no significant population opposing same-gender marriage. 

(To be fair, Nigel Farage of England had someone against such a union in his party, but when that representative was "outed," Farage apologized on the rep's behalf for holding views "typical of that generation" and the man was shifted. But the man's correct views were not given any credence or fair hearing in British society, and last I checked, Farage refuses to come down on either side of that issue.) 

Non-Jews have a Divine obligation to uphold the 7 Laws of Noach, which are laws they can arrive out simply from thoughtful analysis.

With evolution taught in schools as settled science and a real anti-God & anti-morality mentality sweeping through Western society, plus the current truly bizarre & unscientific gender-meshugas, it's hard to have much hope for positive change.

Right now, some US states have legalized same-gender marriage, which is a strong seal of doom on a society, according to Chazal.

Furthermore, America seems to be violating Chullin 92b by doing things like human flesh being weighed & sold in the market place, which is very similar to what Planned Parenthood does with the organs and other parts of unborn babies aborted close to term (though it's being sold for purposes other than eating, but still ghoulish nonetheless).

Kidnapping & sxual assault are also wholly forbidden to non-Jews, but that's exactly what human trafficking comprises.

​Licentious behavior among unmarried singles has become the norm and adultery is romanticized in books & movies.

Non-Jews absolutely must establish just courts of law, but these have been in continual descent over the years, with recent riots exposing a Sodomite approach to justice.

Recent events have shown that unborn babies can be slaughtered & thugs can intentionally murder random police officers, but police officers may not commit a self-defense killing of a drunken nuisance on probation whose criminal history consists of family violence, child cruelty, theft, fraud, and more.

Or if a police officer accidentally kills a meth-addicted child-abandoning womanizing thief with a prison record, then it's okay to terrorize the entire country on his behalf.

Also, recent events have shown that you are not allowed to gather together in prayer, but gathering to demonstrate, destroy property, loot & pillage, burn police cars, and indiscriminately murder police officers...is okay.

And governors, mayors, and other leaders SUPPORT this.

Euthanasia has long before crossed the line into murder in Europe and America has arrived at that point too.

Any society that runs roughshod over the 7 Laws of Noach and does so for an extended period is going to find itself under increasing din.

And THAT'S what we don't want our fellow Jews caught up in.

Despite some of the criticism I've offered & will continue to offer below about the Medinah, the fact is that the Jewish Israeli society is one of the only ones worldwide that has shown a push for traditional Godly values.

Religion (REAL religion) is making a resurgence in Eretz Yisrael.

People are becoming MORE spiritual and coming CLOSER to Hashem.

True, it's not everyone. And there is a stream of youth leaving Yiddishkeit in Eretz Yisrael.

The tamei technology has also hit the Jews of Eretz Yisrael with a resounding thwack (though not as resoundingly as it has hit the Jews in chu"l).

But there are also many people working on behalf of those struggling souls & there is a movement of increased emunah occurring on all levels of society.

​You can read more about that happy resurgence here:

• Is the Revolution in the Israeli Entertainment Industry a Sign of Something Deeper & Better Churning within the People?

​​

• More Examples of the Jewish Soul Shining through All the Shmutz

I haven't heard of anything similar happening among mainstream society anywhere else in the world.

(Even in the Muslim countries, which look very conservative on the outside, there are inside movements toward liberalism. In other words, they aren't fighting for more morality, but for more permissiveness.)

​I'd been in a quandary about how to relate to the whole thing because the more history and Chazal I read, the more I realized that a lot of the aliyah platitudes don't hold water.

They're superficial and don't fit into millennia of authentic Torah scholarship.

Then the people who hold by these platitudes start turning strange cartwheels to get the platitudes to fit in with the millennia of authentic Torah hashkafah on, say, the issues of suffering and Jew-hatred.

Baruch Hashem, I left the whole Tziyoni political ideology years ago...which many religious people have embraced and tried to make religious, but ultimately, making the holy mitzvah of yishuv ha'Aretz into a political ideology means that even if you are a radical Leftist Torah-hating psychopath, you still earn undeserved "moral" superiority by living in — and completely desecrating — Eretz Yisrael & by serving in the IDF (even if you were completely useless or made terrible decisions regarding Israel's security & everything else). 

Note: I'm NOT saying that everyone who identifies with Tziyonut or serves in the IDF is a radical Leftist Torah-hating psychopath.

The vast majority AREN'T.

The dati-leumi comprise many fine upstanding wholly committed Jews. They're my brothers & sisters and I stand by them.

I opposed the Gush Katif Expulsion (and oppose ANY "Land for piece" destruction) with all my heart and I've donated money to the Gush Katif exiles, even though they aren't my specific "group." But they're still mine & I care about them.

I very much respect the two dati soldiers on my son's base who, when they weren't on guard duty, were constantly learning Gemara b'chevruta and NOT watching movies or wasting time with all the meaningless activities most of the other "soldiers" indulged in.

However, by stripping a mitzvah of all its religious significance and contorting it into a political ideology (and a Communist one at that), you enable all the above to happen.

Not only that, but the secular Tziyonim facilitated a massive influx of non-Jewish immigrants, mostly from Russia.

They end up assimilating into mainstream Israeli society & speaking fluent Hebrew.

They join the IDF.

​This military service bequeaths them fake superiority (socially-speaking) to 100% Jews who are FULLY Torah-observant, but who do not serve in the IDF.

It also bequeaths them social equality to FULLY Torah-observant Jews who serve in the IDF.

When my son served in the IDF, he had 2 Russian roommates who wore crosses around their necks and in December, decorated their shared room with tinsel and sang a rousing rendition of "We wish you a merry...!" and other carols.

L'hiyot am chofshi ba'Artzeinu...ein zo agadah!

Mamesh.

The December holiday rituals consist of occult symbols  & avodah zarah. (You can read more about that HERE.)

That WEAKENS the IDF. 

Profaning the kedushah of Eretz Yisrael in such a way is like spitting in the Face of HaKadosh Baruch Hu (it's even worse, but spitting is as far as I'll go).

This is exactly the kind of thing that the Land feels compelled to vomit out.

Indulging in caroling or December trees & their decorations (decorated trees in December were originally used for human sacrifice, which as we know from Hashem's response to the Canaanites, is a terrible no-no) bring terrible din on us and this type of thing (among other transgressions) enables our enemies to harm us.

Also, the assimilation of so many non-Jews (who appear no different than secular Israelis) is a terrible tragedy & nisayon for the modern Medinah (whether they admit it or not).

My husband is already facing this nisayon with his nephews who have Russian girlfriends who don't seem to be Jewish (including a nephew who is minimally dati and who you'd think would care).

But with fast-track (and insincere) paths to conversion available, many secular Israelis (and even those who aren't so secular but not particularly knowledgeable or God-fearing) don't see a problem with marrying fellow "Israelis" who aren't actually Jewish.

This is a growing problem and in another generation, with their fully integrated Israeli non-Jewish children indistinguishable from Jewish Israelis, it's going to be a VERY thorny one.

These people also vote in Israeli elections.

And they aren't capable of understanding how to vote for the true good of Am Yisrael in Eretz Yisrael.

All this could NEVER happen without the whole concept of political Tziyonut.

Tziyonut is a term invented by Nathan Birnbaum in 1890. (That's pretty darn late in Jewish history.)

​He was a secular Jew at that time and wanted a secular Jewish state with Yiddish as the official language. (What about those million Sephardi Jews at that time, Nate?) But he later did complete teshuvah and also turned anti-Tziyoni.

So Tziyonut doesn't exist in Torah or Chazal.

It is a concept created by secular people for a secular nationalistic goal.

It originally did even not include a revival of our ancient holy language: Hebrew.

Again, there is a mitzvah to settle in Eretz Yisrael (and NOT transgress is part of that mitzvah!!! — again, please see the links to Pele Yoetz & Rav Itamar Schwartz above) and that is it, plain and simple.

You may disagree with me, but I've been on all sides of it (i.e. I've been Conservative-Reform, secular, Modern Orthodox, Dati-Leumi, Litvish-Charedi BT, and now Sephardi-Charedi) and done a lot of research, and I pretty much know what I think in this area.

Ultimately, there's just Torah and what Hashem wants us to do.

It's hard to put everything into one post and to repeat what's already been said (sometimes repeatedly) in other posts. So please also read what the Pele Yoetz says about yishuv ha'Aretz here:

• A Prayer to Make Aliyah & Live in Eretz Yisrael
• The Pele Yoetz's chapter on Eretz Yisrael in Ivrit or Eretz Yisrael in English
• Tefillah - The Most Crucial Part of Aliyah
• ​​Keeping Perspective
• The Pele Yoetz chapter entitled Dwelling (English) or Dirah (Hebrew) 

I have a friend whom I've known since she was a secular Jew in high school. 

She became frum and even spent time in a baal teshuvah seminary in Eretz Yisrael, but eventually chose to live a compromised type of frumkeit in one of the most decadent & lurid cities in the USA.

On her last visit to Eretz Yisrael, she disdained the 5-star hotels in Israel, saying they did not reach the same standards as the 5-star hotels in her city (where 5-star hotels competed against each other to cater to the highest standards of materialism).

She mentioned that Israel carries the Golf designer brand, while on the other hand, America carries a designer brand that Israel doesn't, "so it all balances out."

Huh?

In Eretz Yisrael, we have the Kotel, kivrei Tzaddikim, an array of kosher l'mehadrin food, kedushah...

Who cares about the stupid designer brands, especially when you can order so much online anyway if you really feel you need to?

Because I knew her before, I know that she feels more of a connection to Eretz Yisrael than she demonstrates now. Being immersed within so much materialism & social media for so many years and being frum with so many loopholes, the real her is crusted over with a lot of unnecessary gunk.

In other words, you can tell her all you want that she needs to leave her life behind her to make aliyah, but she simply won't be able to hear you because her ears are plugged with so much useless gunk.

What you CAN do is encourage her to take baby steps toward connecting to her neshamah and its real needs.

In a couple of crisis moments when she thought she might lose everything, she turned to Hashem & experienced a lot of saving grace.

So her real self is definitely still there.

​But she needs to experience inner growth.

Over the years, she has spent lots of time in Eretz Yisrael & found it meaningful. She never dismissed it for such material reasons as she does now.

What she really needs to work on is ruchniyut, not Tziyonut.

She & her husband could make aliyah right now and afford to live in a nice Anglo area. Her children are young enough to make the transition easily and, ironically, her husband is most comfortable emotionally & socially when he's in Eretz Yisrael.

But neither have the mindset or the heart to make the switch.

As far as I can tell, they've dropped any spiritual goals for themselves & replaced them with wholly material ones.

And that needs to change before they can even consider making a lifestyle change.

When a Jew works on his or her inner world, they NEVER lose out.

The friend mentioned above? Hashem placed her soul here for a reason.

She needs to start living in a way that earns her the best Eternity possible.

The more she starts building up her emunah and drawing more ruchniyut into her life, the better a person she becomes.

If her mazal (Divinely ordained destiny) is to live out her life in chu"l, whether until 120 or a shortened life, she wins in the end if she earned for herself a beautiful Eternal Life.

If her inner work brings to her to point that she craves kedushah unavailable in chu"l AND and if she simultaneously ABLE to come settle in Eretz Yisrael...then she will!

And that must be the focus.

That's what I get from reading Chazal and the words of real talmidei chachamim.

We are living in This World FOR the World to Come.

​That's it.

I'm still going to continue discussing inner work, teshuvah, emunah & tefillah rather than aliyah because I think that's where the key lies.

Anyway, at the time of this writing, there aren't flights to Eretz Yisrael from America (although flights via Turkey have opened, which ironically is how European Jews used to get to Eretz Yisrael: via Istanbul).

I'm not even sure aliyah is possible at this moment if you don't already have Israeli citizenship. (All these things aren't clear to me; maybe because they keep changing.)

Maybe there will be.

Maybe people will rent cruise ships to come.

Also, I realize that most people cannot just drop everything & come right this second and others are truly stuck in the US for whatever reasons (as described at the beginning of this post).

And still others in chu"l are doing holy work on behalf of Am Yisrael.

And I also do not know what Hashem's plans are for each neshamah. You can want something — even something good & righteous — and still not get it for reasons we can't understand in our current 3-dimensional world.

I also find it bewildering that people can get a video of Rav Kanievsky telling someone to get a haircut, but cannot get a current video/audio of him telling people they must come to Eretz Yisrael right now.

Maybe that is for the sake bechirah. The lack of a clear-cut directive enables better bechirah.

Note: I'm sorry this post focuses so heavily on America. I don't know enough about other countries to discuss them. Or, in cases like South Africa, people already know it's a hopeless cause and are planning to leave anyway, so there's no need to tell them.

This tends to be a hot-button issue with a lot of people.

So before commenting, please keep in mind the following:

• Please remember that I myself live in Eretz Yisrael (and not an imitation of American lifestyle either, but a very low-key Israeli lifestyle (i.e., no car, no microwave, no dishwasher, air-conditioning in the living room-kitchen area only, an apartment just big enough for our family, etc.). This is my choice & I'm more or less happy like this.

 

• Please remember that not all American Jews are living decadent lifestyles. Many are definitely not. Many do not even live materially comfortable lifestyles and definitely feel the pinch.

 

• Also, please review the comment policy before commenting.

Note: "No insults" means that your comment won't be published if you address me or other commenters as if we are stupid or bad people. This means no name-calling, no negative labeling, no attributing nefarious intentions, etc.

"No lashon hara" also includes no denigrating universally recognized Sages who do not think like you. 

(Sorry to over-explain things, but there are comments that were received but never published because they violate the above.)

Also, before commenting, you must read the halachic articles that appeared at the beginning of the post.

I won't publish comments clearly showing the commenter did not read them, whether the commenter didn't wish to or whether the commenter claims the links don't work. (I tried them & visit these sites daily; the links are fine.)

​Here are those links again:

• Settling the Land of Israel as a Contemporary Mitzvah
• The Three Oaths
• To Live in Eretz Yisrael or Not

Well, that's it for now.

In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah for Parshat Korach: At Someone's Table, he notes that the text says that Korach influenced people via eating: with flattery and mockery of cakes.

The Gemara says that Korach's guests flattered him when he gave them food & drink.

(Chanifah, often translated as flattery, means to tell someone his deeds are okay when he does something wrong. It's forbidden by the Torah.)

What's the connection?

Meal time is a very influential time.

This is a well-known aspect of the Shabbat meals, which not only consist of scrumptious food, but also lots of stories, divrei Torah, and holy songs.

People tend to listen more during a meal.

We're less distracted & more malleable with full bellies.

If we're eating by someone, we also feel indebted to our host and therefore, we praise his dvar Torah, his jokes, and his singing, even if they're all far from impressive.

We're also less likely to criticize, no matter how offensive or foolish we find the host's words.

And that's basically how Korach got his foot in the door to criticizing Moshe Rabbeinu:

​He did so as the host.

Rav Miller recommends that if your host starts speaking against Torah-true leaders and their groups (for example, says Rav Miller, if your host starts speaking against Satmar or Lubavitch), you should head for the restroom until Birkat Hamazon.

Or you should suddenly "remember" that you left the faucet on in your apartment and that it's most likely flooding, so you need to run back and take care of things.

At the very least, you shouldn't nod or smile or look at him while he's speaking this way.

You do your best not listen at all.

Interestingly, a man who depends on eating from the table of others is someone the Gemara Beitzah 32b defines as his life is not a life.

Our bechirah (ability to choose) is one of the biggest gifts Hashem has given us.

Even in the Paradise of the Afterlife, Rav Miller asserts we will miss that ability to choose good.

Right now, bechirah is a big challenge. Our yetzer hara pulls us away from choosing wisely.

Yet every time we make the right decision, we amass unfathomable reward.

But a man dependent on others for his needs?

That interferes with his bechirah.

Rav Miller expands this to include being dependent on a person or an organization for your livelihood.

Starting on page 9, he talks about how even the most idealistic pulpit rabbi descends in his spiritual level because he's dependent on more Olam-Hazeh-oriented people for his parnassah.

This is a bigger problem than many people realize.

I was a rebbetzin twice, once for a small shul congregation and another time as part of a kiruv kollel.

I saw this first hand. Our shul president was a barely religious guy with really snarly middot. In addition to being a total am ha'aretz, he was also extremely stubborn & controlling. Being under his control was awful because he lacked empathy.

My husband dealt with him better than anyone else ever had, but ultimately, we could not manage to live this way.

Fortunately, the congregants themselves were very likable, and that was the good part of the job.

I saw other situations, plus heard stories, and believe me, it's very hard to maintain your integrity and idealism in this position.

Sometimes, the rabbis with the highest integrity get fired because those are the ones who won't compromise (and then they find MUCH better jobs later, baruch Hashem).

On pages 9-10, I was thrilled to see Rav Miller discuss how the ads in frum magazines affect the written content.

I know people who work for these magazines and many of them are fine, idealistic, sincere Jews.

But not all of them. And when they accept the ads, it shackles the entire staff to an extent.

​Anyway, that's what happened with Korach's followers.

He gave them cake and they were his.

The above, and especially the fiasco with Korach, is why you should hate gifts.

Conversely, Rav Miller emphasizes that if a REAL tzaddik wishes for you to eat at his table, then you can forget about everything you read until now because to be the tzaddik's "slave" is a good thing.

You'll received tons of good influence by being shackled to a tzaddik.

​But we're all eating from the table of others in another sense.

We're eating from the table of America or Europe or Australia or wherever we are in chu"l. And in Eretz Yisrael, we're unfortunately eating from the table of Marxists and heretics.

(Some charedi groups will not accept any money from the Israeli government. This is why.)

​In whatever country we live, we benefit from the services.

I know that I grew up thinking that firemen, policemen, and American soldiers are our heroes.

And they are to a certain extent. A lot of us hold fondness for the people who serve us, especially for the people who come to our aide in our time of need.

​We're indebted to them.

That's very real.

Because Rav Miller spent time in Slabodka where he witnessed very real discrimination against Jews with absolutely no legal recourse, he was more aware of how much better America is than many other places.

For all its faults, America has been a great places for Jews. Enormous Torah communities with their wide-ranging chessed not only grow but have thrived in America.

​This is one reason why Rav Miller insisted on hanging an American flag outside his home on American Independence Day.

An American Jew must be loyal to the country that allowed him to not only remain a Jew, but enabled him to grow in his Yiddishkeit.​

Unfortunately, America changed in the 50 years since Rav Miller began speaking.

He notes that 50 years ago, he didn't need to talk about displaying the American flag.

But nowadays, with all the secular liberal agendas flying around, it has become an issue.

​And it affects the frum community too because the same mayor who allows money for yeshivot also wishes to support a toeva lifestyle for his citizens.

So frum Jews don't want to stop voting for him even though he is destroying the country.

And to be fair, at this point, you don't see much difference between the Democrat or the Republican candidate. On social issues, they're often the same.

But it was always like that; it built up over time.

And now everyone is stuck.

On page 14, Rav Miller describes what America was like for Jews in the early 1900s.

Then he goes on with a very interesting description of how even frum Jewry has been affected by Americanization.

Loyalty is excellent. Becoming Americanized is not good for a frum Jew.

​We must maintain the awareness that everything we have is from Hashem.

We are eating from Hashem's Table.

And that's how we avoid getting caught up in the community of Korach.

Credit for all quotes & material goes to Toras Avigdor.

Following on the heels of a previous post (A Little Bit about My Journey of Discovery from "Imitation" (albeit well-intentioned) Chinuch to Authentic Torah Chinuch), I wanted to share a bit more about utilizing modern experts & advice.

As much as a lot of the modern stuff has disappointed me, some of it is helpful.

As much we should be combing Chazal (like the Pele Yoetz, which discusses parenting throughout the book) for proper guidance, we can also receive ideas from people in our own times.

And even though a lot of child psychology is not as helpful or effective as proclaimed, there can be value in a particular method that has been observed and/or tried hundreds of times, and shown to work effectively in a particular situation.

Hashem sends messengers to help us out.

So if we read something or hear something that pops on the light bulb for us, then that is from Hashem, and it's probably meant to be utilized.

How so?

First of all, consider the source:

​For example: If the source's experience is primarily based on Girl World, and you need help with your boy, the source (whether written or verbal) is unlikely to help you.

In fact, it can even make you feel bad for no reason.

(Please note I did not say that such a source will NEVER help you. Maybe it will. But it's unlikely.)

If the source lacks experience with your situation, whether it's parenting as a widow or widower, or navigating child-rearing with joint-custody after a divorce, or dealing with a highly sensitive child or an ADHD-type child or a learning disabled child...the source is unlikely to be helpful if it lacks specific experience.

​Even if the source thinks that toddlers are bundles of cuteness & fun, the source should still be able to understand why some parents find that phase the most difficult.

If the source cannot relate to someone who isn't exactly like them, then you are VERY unlikely to receive the help you need.

In fact, such a source can even make you feel very bad about yourself for absolutely NO LEGITIMATE REASON.

​This means you will go around feeling bad when you should actually feel good.

There is absolutely NO logical reason or benefit for an overall good parent who is sincerely trying to feel like he or she is a bad or a failure, or whatever.

It serves no purpose and is taka harmful.

​Throughout the Eighties & into the Nineties, secular child pop psychology assumed that parents would be terrible if they weren't told exactly what to do.

(If you convince parents they cannot function without your books & counseling sessions, that also helps you make a lot more money.)

Books & articles & talkshows gushed with personal stories of all sorts of abuse & insensitivity that normal people would never dream of doing.

(Or never do more than a handful of times throughout their entire parenting career; certainly not daily or weekly or even monthly.)

Unfortunately, many chinuch people in the frum community adopted this same style and engorged books, articles, and classes with very disturbing stories as a "warning" to parents about how bad this behavior is.

The problem with this approach is it assumes the parent NEEDS to hear this.

The implication is: If the parent doesn't hear this disturbing story of extremely disturbing & abusive behavior, then the parent will ALSO behave in this same abusive & disturbing way.

This is simply is not true for the vast majority of frum parents, who are idealistic and wish to do whatever is best for their child, no matter how difficult.

This idealism & dedication are especially true for new mothers fresh out of Beis Yaakov or a BT seminary.

There is no need to relate to them as if they possess some demon hidden deep inside & just waiting for them to have children so this demon can finally be released.

Muwahahahahahaha...!

Also, that is not the Jewish way to relate to each other.

The core neshamah is all good and we are also commanded to give the benefit of the doubt & assume the best about every Jew — even parents! — unless there is a solid reason not to.

Assuming the worst about a person is a non-Jewish attitude.

The Jewish way is to relate to people as if they mean well and are basically good, but maybe just need a hand in getting to where they need to be.

​As stated before on this blog, mothers who feel bad about themselves will NOT parent well.

​So shaming or chastising the mother is usually a very harmful method.

(Disclaimer: There may be exceptions to this, but I believe those exceptions are rare. In general, making a mother feel bad or abnormal is very harmful to both her and her children.)

Even if they have good middot & good intentions, the yoke of self-loathing or despair is too heavy for them to carry AND still perform their essential tasks well.

Some mothers will hit or yell at their children if they feel bad. They'll say hurtful things they don't even mean.

Some will act neglectfully or distance themselves from their children, whether emotionally or physically (like immersing themselves in their career or social life or chessed activities or novels & magazines or social media). Their children will feel like they have a robot mother who's not really present.

Some will put on a big act and perform all the technical aspects quite well, including a big smile & a voice full of enthusiasm. But inside, she feels empty, bored, angry, or like she's dying inside.

While putting on a big act is excellent for those times when we aren't feeling well or if we're going through a grueling phase, it isn't ideal as a permanent state of parenting.

The children do sense that their mother doesn't really like them or doesn't really like her role as a mother, though they may not know how to articulate it or even what's wrong with the picture.

​Also, even if a mother really is parenting poorly, making her feel bad DOES NOT HELP.

My favorite rebbetzin once emphasized how important it is not to shame or act judgmentally toward a mother behaving abusively (whether your neighbor or someone you see in the street).

She said, "If you yell at her or rebuke her in some way, she's very likely to wait until she gets home and then REALLY give it to her kid. She'll blame her child for your disapproval."

In other words, if you really care about the child, you will not make the mother feel bad.

She advised doing something to break the moment, like just going up to her and giving a nice (not condescending or mocking) smile and saying "Hi!" even if you both are total strangers.

If it's a neighbor, you can knock on the door and ask to borrow a cup of sugar or say, "I just finished reading this book and I thought it's something you would really like too. Would you like to borrow it?"

​Act like you didn't hear anything at all.

If someone is caught up in a temper, just distracting them with something like the above can be enough to break them out of it. When they turn back to their child, the same fire is simply no longer there.

Sometimes, a sincere & wholly non-judgmental offer of help works wonders.

It's impossible to offer hard-and-fast tips because so much depends on the individual dynamics and what you're capable of yourself, so how you should respond really depends.

But the main point is that even with a dysfunctional mother, making her feel bad about her dysfunctional behavior will make her behave even worse.

(Also, it could be that the dysfunctional behavior is a temporary response to a stressful situation and she KNOWS she's failing & WANTS to behave better, so by you avoiding condemnations and either assisting her or breaking the harsh moment, you are doing something she appreciates, which will also help her get back on keel.)

​Another illustration of how making dysfunctional mothers feel bad backfires:

A non-frum friend of mine grew up with parents who regularly hit her and her siblings. When a siblings behavior at school initiated a recommendation for family counseling, her parents acquiesced (maybe they had no choice?) and attending counseling sessions for several months.

My friend remembers that the physical abuse and the extreme fury stopped, but her parents never became nurturing people.

For example, even when my friend told her mother she loved her, she said her mother never even lifted her eyes from the romance novel she was reading as she replied, "Go away."

So by age 11, my friend learned not to praise or show her mother affection because it only led to rejection.

Later, her mother said, "Oh, we attended therapy when you kids were little, but it never really helped."

"Oh yes it did!" said my friend to me after reporting her mother's comment. "I'm VERY grateful the hitting stopped. I lived in such fear & dread of being hit. At school, I was very shy and fearful and thought that being good meant to be as quiet & unnoticeable as possible. With rare exceptions, the idea of being assertive terrified me and I was sometimes a target for bullying, which I found unendurable. But I was able to overcome a lot of that fear & shyness on my own later."

So making the mother feel bad stopped the physical abuse, but the mother simply switched to emotional neglect instead (because she felt ashamed of having been "caught" and judged unfavorable, and lacked the ratzon to improve).

The point is that you can't really help people who aren't interested in being helped. 

In order for be able people to be able to change for the better, they first need to WANT to be better. They need to WANT to be good.

If they don't want this, then you cannot help them.

But you can at least not make them feel bad, even if they are kind of bad.

If they feel bad about themselves, they will simply take it out on their children, whether via active abuse or neglect of some sort.

Okay, yeah, they're doing it anyway. But you don't need to make it worse.

And all the more so, making a good & dedicated mother feel bad?

What on earth is the point?

​In conclusion, a chinuch source that makes mothers feel bad is generally no good, no matter how highly recommended.

(Note: I have never encountered a chinuch person who INTENTIONALLY used cult tactics. They seem to have no idea. They give the impression more that they feel very passionately about their method and truly feel that one step in the wrong direction will ruin everything. However, these tactics are still inappropriate.)

This connects to the above idea because cults operate by making people feel bad, and then offering themselves as the solution & salvation.

So a chinuch teacher or method that makes you feel like, without them, you will be abusive and/or your child will end up off the derech is some way?

In other words, "My way is the ONLY way...OR ELSE!"

That's a cult tactic.

Hashem is intimately involved and they cannot make such statements.

Some of our Gadolim had parents who weren't up to par. You don't hear about it so much because it's lashon hara, but when you read biographies, you come across vague indications of it.

In fact, one who became a tremendous tzaddik and extremely loving person sounded like he didn't have such nurturing parents.

There is another man that Rav Avigdor Miller mentions in his lectures whom Rav Miller describes as incredibly sweet with beautiful middot, and this man endured terrifying beatings from his father.

Other parents are very good, yet they have at least one child who goes off the derech in some way.

So while proper chinuch is vitally important, it isn't the only factor in who the child will become later.

Playing on a parent's fear to get them to conform is a cult tactic.

If the chinuch teacher explains the necessity of a particular aspect of his or her method by telling a scary story of what happened when a good parent simply did not carry out ONE aspect and saying that IS the reason why, then that is a cult tactic.

There were no other influencing factors? The loving parents did EVERYTHING ELSE right but lacked this ONE thing, and that ruined everything?

Believe me, you're going to get more than just ONE thing wrong in your parenting.

ONLY HASHEM IS PERFECT.

Also, Hashem is running things. Probably He had a reason why things turned out as they did.

So if you're made to feel that if you make one false step, you'll ruin everything, then that induces fear & dependence, and it's a cult tactic.

Manipulating parents to conform is a cult tactic.

For example, let's say the chinuch expert declares you must do this-and-such EVERY day OR ELSE...and then when you fail, the chinuch expert says, "Oh, that's okay. Doing it 3 or 4 times a week still works. I just wanted you to think you needed to do it every day just to make sure you'll DO it at least 3 or 4 times a week."

That's manipulating the parent's behavior.

It's wrong to manipulate people like that.

​Each person has his or her own God-given bechirah and it's harmful to steal it away like that.

Furthermore, if the mother never knows that 3 or 4 times a week is actually okay, every time she does it "only" 3-6 times a week, she will feel bad. She'll feel like she's failing her child.

As stated above, feeling bad/despairing/failing actually harms a mother's parenting.

Shaming for very normal feelings or actions is a cult tactic.

If a mother with 4 kids under the age of 5 expresses feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or unable to carry out all the expectations she has of herself, why look at her as if she just sprouted a big hairy wart on her forehead and then say, "Well, yeah, of course! That's just how it is!"

When I witnessed this interaction in a class, part of the reason I felt so stunned was because I admired the young mother for even trying to do all that she did.

Another reason why the teacher's response was so shocking is because when you have little kids that close together, it means you are usually either pregnant (with all the hindrances that entails) or recovering from birth and probably not sleeping through the night because by the time you trained one to sleep through the night, you either have another baby or one on the way.

That's very demanding. So why can't the mother say she's frustrated at not being able to carry out her self-imposed tasks in the way that's more convenient for her?

Also, in response to the teacher's dismissive reply, the young mother's entire body sagged and she looked so defeated.

But why?! She was doing such a good job! Why make her feel like she's not?

​!!!!

Finally, the above interaction happened in a group. Why put down the mother publicly? Is that even halachically allowed?

And that is what cults use too:

Public humiliation is another cult tactic.

Anyway...

On the more positive side: Because these people don't mean to use cult tactics, these chinuch classes aren't really cults.

For example, I never ran into a chinuch teacher or course that displayed other classic cult aspects, such as constantly manipulating you into giving them money (beyond the standard affordable monthly fee), or acting as a front for illegal activities, or encouraging other members to sever ties with you when you leave the group, or isolate you from the outside world, and so on.

But cult tactics are always based on a lack of emuna. 

In short:

If a person believes in Hashem and know that Hashem is running everything perfectly without you (and that you are a shaliach, but not more than that), then you won't:

• feel the need to manipulate followers/attendees/readers/members to do what you want
• feel like your way is the only/best way, regardless of other situations & personalities & capabilities
• feel the need to instill fear in order to elicit obedience
• feel threatened by normal feelings or responses, and thus feel compelled to shame them for these normal feelings or responses

With occasional exceptions, if you follow Hashem's halacha, you will not:
​

• judge your followers/attendees/readers/members l'kaf chovah (unfavorably)
• publicly humiliate or shame them
• respond to them with anger & angry or hurtful words

Again, no one is perfect and we all stumble in the above at times.

But if a chinuch provider is regularly doing the above, then it is certainly not chinuch based on authentic Torah hashkafah.

In my chinuch class, one woman was married to an "idiot savant" type.

​Despite his intellectual brilliance, he constantly behaved inappropriately and did not seem to understand how inappropriate his behavior was.

They ended up divorcing when their children were still young (and she happily remarried later).

Another had a dysfunctional husband, and had received a not-so-ideal upbringing herself. Neither her parents nor parents-in-law were supportive people. She felt innately defective from a young age, and that feeling never left her. 

Another possessed terrific middot and also had a fantastic husband, whom she described as a diamond, but her own upbringing was pretty dysfunctional. Her in-laws demanded high material standards (fortunately, they did not live close by) and her parents and a couple of her siblings were quick to criticize anything they didn't approve of her child-rearing methods (despite the fact that she was a MUCH better parent than all of them).

And others, of course, had very good situations over all. 

Some came from a secular background and simply wished to learn how to raised children in a Torah way. Others came from frum backgrounds, but wished to learn how to deal with the challenges of raising a frum family in this generation.

The point of mentioned the above is that when you are teaching parenting, you face a whole smorgasbord of situations in your audience.

If you're going to shame, chastise, criticize, or in any way make a mother feel bad about herself, you may push her over the edge if she is already feeling bad about herself because she struggles against her own problematic upbringing and her husband and/or parents/in-laws are already yelling at her and cutting her down.

Or because she is already overwhelmed with dealing with problems in her home life (including health issues, financial problems, a special needs child, etc.).

You can break such a person.

And if you don't care about the mother, think of the children who are being parented by a crushed mother (in addition to any other problems going on).

So building up people and focusing on their good points, what they're doing RIGHT, is a very important aspect of helping others. (This idea is straight from Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, a big chassidic tzaddik from the past generation.)

A chinuch teacher must be aware of this. I do not understand why so many were not & why some still are not aware.

Several incidents led to me breaking away from a particular chinuch course.

The final wake-up-call was when I wanted to discuss with my rebbetzin my "failure" to parent properly (according to the method of the course).

I poured out how hard I was trying yet how I felt that I was ​falling further & further behind.

She listened thoughtfully (and with increasing concern), then said, "I don't know exactly how to say this and I don't mean to interfere in your decisions, but...are you sure this course is good for you?" 

"What do you mean?" I said, shocked. After all, this course was teaching me the Torah way of raising children! (Which I was increasingly failing to do, for some reason I couldn't fathom...must be because I was innately defective, I guessed...)

Very hesitantly and with sincere concern, she said, "Well, it's just that it seems to be making you feel bad."

It's like she was speaking a foreign language.

Feel? What do feelings have to do with following a rabbinically endorsed chinuch method? Ours is not to feel good, ours is to do or die!

So I expressed my bewilderment at her statement.

​After all, if I'm not parenting properly, why should I feel good? I'm NOT being "good," I'm not doing things "right," so why should I feel good?

​Also, aren't we supposed to do things whether we like them or not? After all, I really dislike checking for bugs & worms in food; I even dread doing it (because I'm not so into slow, nitpicky things like that), but I do it anyway because that's the halacha.

So why would this be different?

"Yeah," she said, "except that you sound like you feel BAD about YOURSELF. You're not supposed to feel bad about YOURSELF! Also, I KNOW you. You're a good person. You're a good mother. Why should you feel BAD?"

And it was like someone whisked off a blackout curtain that had been draped over my face.

I suddenly saw things clearly.

I was trying to be a good mother. And even if I wasn't up to par, as long as I was sincerely trying, why should I feel so bad about myself?

​Why should I feel like such a failure?

​Why should I feel defeated and hopeless and like my children have no chance of turning out well simply because I cannot juggle bowling balls while jumping through all the sky-high hoops the teacher set for us? 

And so I quit. 

To recap, here are questions to ask yourself:

1. Does the source have experience with your type of child?
2. ​Is the source able to understand & empathize?
3. ​Does the source consider parents generally good or generally bad?
4. ​Does the source make you feel bad about yourself as a person and/or parent?
5. ​Does the source use cult tactics to get you to parent according to their method?

The answers to the above should be:

1. Yes.
2. Yes.
3. Generally good.
4. No.
5. No.

Warning Signs 

Answering the above questions negatively:

1. No.
2. No.
3. Generally bad.
4. Yes.
5. Yes.

And beware of the following cult tactics (even if they're carried out unintentionally):
​

• ​Creating the impression that their method is the ONLY way (when it's not halacha)
• Inducing dependency on the expert or shitah
• Inducing fear 
• Playing on the parent's fears

• Shaming for very normal feelings & actions
• Public humiliation (even in a minor way)

The above includes articles & books, not just classes or consultations.

This post has been a somewhat negative what-NOT-to-do article, so I'd like to end with a positive here's-what-you-can-do-instead! message.

One of my children is an enneagram Six, which is one of the most complex personality types.

They possess many wonderful innate qualities, but they also struggle with anxiety & insecurity, which makes them a bundle of contradictions.

For example, if they feel under attack or as if they MIGHT be attacked, they sometimes decide that the best defense is a good offense, and they come out swinging with all their might while shooting from both hips.

But all that aggression emanates from fear.

Their aggression isn't bold or independent in the way that another type of aggression is.

(You can read more about the Six personality type here.)

They can also go hot, then cold, then hot again, then lukewarm, then...you get the picture.

A lot of standard techniques backfire with them.

For example, there is a really lovely frum book about unconditional love toward one's child. The mother in the book repeats to her misbehaving child that even though she doesn't always love his behavior, she always loves HIM deeply & completely.

Doesn't that sound nice?

Ironically, this lovely idea propelled my then 4-year-old son into a state of anxiety.

​He did not even want to hear this statement. Throughout the days, he sought reassurance by repeatedly asking, "Right, you also love my behavior?"

​What am I supposed to say? I don't always love his behavior, nor do I think I should love all his behaviors. But he really needs the reassurance that I do!

To his psyche, loving HIM isn't nearly enough.

So all this makes this type more-complicated-than-average to raise.

You need to read their mind and constantly try to see what's going on beneath the surface of their external behavior.

Anyway, I know I'm not so competent at dealing with this type, and I was having difficulties (especially at bedtime) with this child, who was four at the time.

He couldn't tolerate any disapproval from me, not even a facial expression, but often resisted the bedtime routine (brushing teeth, getting into bed, going to sleep) with every fiber of his being, even if he was tired.

And even something as small as a stern look from me elicited a volatile response.

Then Hashem had me remember that Miriam Adahan's book Awareness has tips for dealing with this type of child.

So I opened to the appropriate chapter (Type Six, Part II, For Parents, page 284) and saw that first of all, the author addresses loving parents and reassures them that they shouldn't blame themselves if they see this insecure, demanding behavior in a child.

That's a good sign right there.

​She assumes her reader is a loving parent (although she acknowledges that not all parents are) and immediately brushes away the blame game.

Then she explains why a common emotional parental response does not work with this child, and also offers a variety of alternatives, explaining why they do work.

This allowed me to use my God-given bechirah to analyze if & how this applied to my situation. (It does.)

What jumped out at me was the advice to hold the child in a comforting embrace davka when the child is being obnoxious.

This is not my innate style (I'm more straight-forward & oppose "rewarding" bad behavior) nor is it anywhere in my upbringing. 

But based on the author's explanation (which made a lot of sense), I decided to give it a try.

Also, when the book explained why this method works, it was not accompanied by the fear-inducing cult tactics I encountered in the chinuch course (i.e., the book did NOT say something like: "You MUST do this because once upon a time, there was a mother who did not hug her obnoxiously behaving child when he was behaving obnoxiously and he went on to become a serial killer — all because she did not hug him while he was obnoxious.")

And she didn't try to pass off the suggestion as "the authentic Torah way" (although maybe our heilige ancestors did indeed do it); the suggestion was clearly based on her own experience and/or research.

The point is that she had experience with this method & saw that it really did work for this specific dynamic.

So at bedtime, there we were in what had become our usual bedtime formation:

Me sitting at the foot of the bed and him stomping on his pillow while swinging the other leg over the headboard and shouting at me that he doesn't love me and other unfavorable opinions of what kind of mother he thinks I am.

So even though it is not my inclination to respond in the following way, I went according to the book and said something like, "Even if you don't love me, even if you hate me, I still love very much and I always will no matter what."

(I couldn't hold him because he was too far away and too volatile for me to hug.)

But those words immediately soothed him down.

He looked taken aback, then he smiled and said, "I don't hate you!"

Then he came closer and I could finally hold him and repeat that I love him no matter what, even if he doesn't love me.

Within seconds, a fierce & angry bear had softened into a loving, affectionate, accommodating kitten.

We only needed to go through this maybe once or twice more before the freak-out behavior stopped. He can still be difficult at bedtime (mostly because, like most children, he doesn't want to go to bed), but he no longer goes berserk.

And it even paved the way for his own free expression of affection.

After this, he started initiating hugs throughout the day and telling me he loved me very much.

In fact, when we sat together at a bus stop and another lady asked me about the route of a particular bus, this same son suddenly pulled himself into standing on the bench, lunged at my head & wrapped his arms around my head (nearly knocking me over and also forcing me to hold on to my hair-covering for dear life) and said, "What a lovely mother (ima chamoodah) you are! How much I LOVE you!"

This was both embarrassing & gratifying, but the lady just seemed amused.

So...I obviously do not know everything and still need help and guidance, especially in dealing with any child who is very different than me.

And that's normal.

The situation was set up in exactly this way by HASHEM Himself.

​As mentioned in the previous post, the Pele Yoetz sets up certain guidelines for parenting, but even so, he still leaves a lot up to the reader's own discernment because as the Pele Yoetz outright acknowledges, situations & dynamics vary so much from one to the other, it's impossible to offer detailed concrete advice to a general audience.

So yeah, for specific situations, I need to look outside myself for the answer because I simply don't have it.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

Sometimes I ask Hashem.

Other times, I head toward a book or article that I feel holds the answer.

I won't consult with an actual person at this point because I've been burned too many times doing that, but reading, davening, inquiring of Hashem seem to meet my needs just fine.

It doesn't mean that things are perfect; Hashem always sends us challenges & different forms of tzaar gidul banim.

​But it just means that I'm more likely to meet my challenges in the way that Hashem wants me to.

For more on this topic, please see:

• A User's Guide to Chinuch Advisers and Classes

​

• How Turning to Torah Can Help Us Sift through A Lot of Confusion to Find the Right Path (with a special emphasis on chinuch)

​​

• A Little Bit about My Journey of Discovery from "Imitation" (albeit well-intentioned) Chinuch to Authentic Torah Chinuch

Note #1: I purposely blurred details of negative experiences because I don't want any particular person identified. The purpose of this post isn't to malign a specific person. And for all I know, the authors or teachers have come to regret the above-mentioned approach & tactics. After all, I sure wouldn't want anyone judging me on something I said or wrote 20 years ago!

What if they completely regret some of the things they said or wrote, and wish they'd never even thought such things?

People change over time.

Note #2: Everything really is from Hashem and as much as the previously mentioned methods & tactics hurt both me & my children, the positive outcome has been that I've become zealous about giving regular people chizuk and build them up by focusing on their good points and what they're doing right, and especially to give chizuk and accolades to young mothers new to parenting.

Why?

Because I learned on my own cheshbon how detrimental is the opposite.

So that's a positive outcome of the pain & confusion.

When 8-year-old Myriam Monsonego (along with Rabbi Sandler & his precious little sons, Gabriel and Aryeh) was slaughtered by a Jihadi savage in 2012 while attending a religious Jewish school in France, the slaughter made papers around the globe, but did not rouse the world much more than some passionate condemnations in the media and a couple of peaceful marches in France.

As a frum Jewish girl in a frum Jewish school, Miriam learned about compassion toward the poor & disadvantaged.

She learned about loving-kindness.

She learned about the importance of developing her neshamah's innate desire to connect to Hashem and she learned about tefillah, both from a siddur and from her own heart.

The photo of Myriam shows a little Jewish girl with an angel's face of purity.

As an 8-year-old religious Jewish child, Myriam was born in purity & free of sin — a truly innocent being.

And the destruction of this precious angel & the innocent Sandlers aroused nothing more than a couple of large marches & routine condemnations in the media.

But when the mocking & vulgar Charlie Hebdo journalists were murdered in 2015, the response was much stronger.

Demonstrations expressing sympathy with Charlie Hebdo spread throughout France, culminating in around 100,000 participants.

(In contrast, Myriam's marches numbered in the thousands, but never rose above 4 figures.)

These demonstrations spread through Europe, the UK, and North America.

Finally, a worldwide demonstration of support & sympathy for Charlie Hebdo reached nearly 4 million and included the participation of several world leaders.

Ironically, Charlie Hebdo did nothing for society except crassly break taboos equally across all groups. They attacked and caricatured all religions, including Judaism. 

Their mockery consisted of immature humor and depraved images.

In today's world, crassness is unfortunately considered the epitome of free speech.

Not courageous condemnations of immorality or passionate eloquence in favor of morality and human rights — but depraved childish nivul peh in both words & images.​ 

Likewise, 2014 gave us American neighborhoods on fire with self-proclaimed lies of "outrage" because an extremely large & violent bully & thief got shot after committing a crime and then attacked a police officer who was trying to stop the large bully's crime against an innocent person.

Yes, the predominantly white liberal media spread the bald-faced lie that the nasty thug put up his and hands and said, "Don't shoot," but even when that lie was revealed, it didn't stop the madness.

And the fact that absolutely no indication of bigotry existed in this scenario (except maybe on the part of the thug himself, who bullied a much smaller Korean shop owner — perhaps displaying prejudice against Koreans or short men), huge swathes of people (including journalists & politicians) lost their minds and came out in support of this incredibly nasty brute...all the while accusing police across the nation of racism and wanton violence.

Neither of which were true in this particular self-defense killing.

And now there are massive riots and acts of destruction infiltrating throughout the US and throughout the world because a policeman used a certain method (permitted in his precinct) to arrest a very large man intoxicated with meth & fentanyl (a drug like morphine, but 50 times stronger).

Yes, a man who already served jail-time for an armed home invasion in 2007 & who possibly just tried to steal from a business — when businesses are already near collapse due to the recent coronavirus constrictions (which are suddenly no longer necessary as long as you are burning police cars and breaking into smartphone stores).

Furthermore, several sources indicate that during that armed home invasion (which the "innocent martyr" committed with 4 other men), he pressed a gun to the pregnant belly of the woman, who allegedly screamed she was pregnant and begged them not to shoot.

[UPDATE: It's not clear that the young woman was pregnant at that time. Reports differ.]

So they settled for "only" stealing her jewelry and cellphone.

I can just picture the unborn baby holding up signs with slogans like, Hands up, don't shoot! and ​Black lives matter — including those that are still in gestation!

And in the unborn baby's case, it would actually be legitimate to do so. Unborn babies are genuinely innocent.

(Actually, I'm not sure if the pregnant lady was even black. Some reports say she was; others don't say at all. Her last name is Henriquez, which is Hispanic, yet many black Americans have Hispanic surnames. But her exact race or ethnicity don't matter. Why? Because Hispanic lives also matter.) 

Anyway, there is no evidence that the offending police officer acted callously out of racism. Indeed, his wife is Hmong, as was his police partner, plus one of the rookie officers he assisted is black (despite the impression given otherwise by the rookie's Far East Asian surname). 

Regardless, the neck-pressing police officer is clearly not a white supremacist, though he does seem like someone who enjoys hurting people.

And a second autopsy report indicates that the arrested man died of stress (compounded by hard drugs and health issues likely caused by a lifetime of hard drugs & crime). 

So it's not clear that the "martyr" died of asphyxiation, but rather cardiac arrest.

​Also, for anyone who knows absolutely nothing about lawbreakers under arrest, they routinely tell cops "I can't breathe" and "You're killin' me, man" and "Ouch" and so on.

Cops barely notice these phrases because they're such common lies.

Also, it's surprisingly common for grown men to cry out "Momma! Momma!" when being arrested — especially those being arrested for drugs, for some reason.

​Anyway, as far as cops go (particularly those serving in high-crime areas), it's sort of like how you don't take seriously the crumb-smeared child who says, "Nope, I didn't take any cookies." Or the child who says, "Not me" or "I didn't do it" or "He hit me first."

Having said all that, a report of events and a still-shot (I didn't watch video nor do I intend to) of the police officer on the guy's neck indicate a streak of sadism & egoism in the police officer.

The officer's history is also mixed, with medals for valor & substantiated accusations of unnecessary aggression.

The knee on the neck did not seem necessary, and certainly not for 8-9 minutes.

It also seems like the police officer was enjoying himself way too much and showing off in front of the crowd in the typical "you-can't-tell-me-what-to-do" fashion & prolonging the neck-press to just to spite the crowd, who gave him lots of attention for his sadistic behavior while doing nothing to actually help (like calling 911).

However, a drug-using, womanizing, child-abandoning (possibly former) thief who once thought it perfectly appropriate to dress up as a utility worker to gain access to a home and hold a gun to a pregnant woman to get money for drugs is not exactly someone to riot over...no offense.

Also, it's ironic that he clearly had the funds to acquire illegal hard drugs, but possibly used fake money to steal cigarettes from innocent people trying to earn their income honestly.

​(And can you imagine him using a counterfeit bill with his drug dealer? Actually, it would have had the same outcome.)

​Finally, it seems like there's a middah k'neged middah dynamic going on here.

This poster-boy for victims of racist police violence perpetrated the 2007 armed home invasion with 4 other guys. (Yes, against one pregnant woman.)

Interestingly, there were 4 cops involved in the incident against him (although I'd say that at least 2 of them aren't guilty of anything — not any more than the crowd that filmed and behaved in a way that provoked the cop into showing off & likely prolonged the neck-press, a crowd which apparently didn't call 911 for help; the ambulance was called by these same cops).

Also, if it's true that the poster-boy for victims of police violence pressed his gun against a pregnant abdomen, could it be that the nozzle pressed against the unborn baby's neck?

Furthermore, it's said that when the pregnant woman screamed, A̶m̶e̶r̶i̶c̶a̶'̶s̶ ̶p̶o̶s̶t̶e̶r̶-̶b̶o̶y̶ ̶h̶i̶t̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶h̶e̶a̶d̶ ̶&̶ ̶s̶i̶d̶e̶.

[UPDATE: Reports indicate that 1 of his 4 partners in crime hit her about the head & side when she screamed for help. Even though he did not do so, he was certainly aware she was being assaulted. In that case, he merely did what the other 3 officers are accused of doing it him: Standing idly by while his partner hurts someone.]

Finally, while the mainstream media loves to say what a great, well-liked guy the "martyr" was and emphasize how he turned his life around, he didn't really turn his life around much more than many reckless people do in their forties.

Middle age naturally slows down a lot of feisty people.

And even when he was an active criminal, people still found him extremely likable. (Apparently, he saved his gun-pressing-and-hitting techniques for pregnant strangers and never behaved that way toward friends & family.)

Also, the likability factor is a weird one.

A great many criminals throughout history could also be really helpful and gracious when they weren't acting like psychopaths.

Mafia hitmen, for example, are sometimes extremely gracious & warm toward their families & neighbors. 

Also, naturally sociable people will behave, well, sociably when they aren't doing really awful things. They simply enjoy being sociable (when they aren't doing really awful things).

So yeah, he started behaving better (as do many law-breakers who hit their forties), but he still remained a neglectful father to his 4 older children to the point that one of them did not recognize him in the pictures flashed throughout the media.

​"I didn't recognize who it was until Mom called and told me," his son Quincy apparently said.

(In fact, it's not only sad that Quincy did not recognize his father's face, but apparently did not even recognize his father by name.)

Yes, this well-liked, affable, helpful, "doting" father hadn't contacted his own son for over 20 years.

And though the media fawns over what a "doting father" this man was, he only "doted" on his youngest daughter, born out of wedlock, with whose mother he did not bother staying as he moved on to yet another woman.

​(Not marrying your child's mother actually makes you a poor father because being married to your child's mother is one of the best things you can ever do for your child.)

And he still used hard, illegal drugs.

He might still be a thief, though it's not clear whether the bill was counterfeit, or if it was, whether he even knew it was counterfeit.

It's also not clear whether he ever paid back or apologized to the pregnant woman he so badly traumatized years ago.

​And yet this man is the new poster-boy for victims of racist police violence.

(Having said all that, his family deserves a lot of credit for speaking out against the rioting. Interestingly, his siblings, mother, children, and current girlfriend oppose the violence perpetuated in his name, but many politicians, citizens, and media personalities think it's all perfectly justified. Hmm...)

Whether it's a world driven into deep, passionate grief over a magazine overflowing with depraved pointless leitzanut or a world inspired to loot, destroy, assault, and kill innocent people because they identify so strongly with a man on drugs who apparently cannot behave responsibly...this knee-jerk response says a LOT about the people whose passions & "righteous" indignation are only aroused by the death of people who are either brutes or crass mockers or womanizing junkies.

If you are only aroused to action by the death of drug-using lawbreakers or thieving brutes or depraved leitzanim, then that says something about you.

And it doesn't say something very good.

Personally, my heart hurts every time I see a photo of Myriam Monsonego.

It took her father a couple of years to be able to look at pictures of her because her absence hurt so much.

But we're in a very small minority, globally speaking.

The death of innocence, goodness, and purity simply does not move most of the world.

​And that's what's wrong.

And this is also part of what makes us an Am levadad yishkon (Bamidbar 23:9).

Related post:
How would You Like to Take Your Poison: Scrambled or Sunny-Side Up?

One night, I stood on the sidewalk in front of the Malcha Mall in Yerushalayim to wait for a bus to take me home.

I ended up standing in the middle of the sidewalk several feet away from the bus stop because I wanted to get a better of view of the oncoming traffic to see if my bus was on its way.

Then I noticed a large motorcycle zooming toward me. On the sidewalk.

I realized it was a kind of police motorcycle because I briefly saw them under the street lights, plus they had blue and white lights.

And they weren't the regular police, but yasam (riot police), who are the least refined (to put it generously) of the Medinah's police force.

They aimed their lights right in my eyes, so I just saw a lot of brightness coming at me while everything else was black.

In less time then it takes to tell it, I felt pretty sure they could see me just fine and weren't going to actually run me over, but I took a step back just in case, figuring that they were headed for the street in front of me and not the bus stop with all the people waiting there behind me.

But I wasn't sure how much to move, partly because I couldn't see anything except the police lights and partly because, in their compulsory game of chicken, I wasn't sure what they were counting on me to do: run? Fall back? Freeze in place?

So I just took a step back, then stayed put.

They sped right past my nose, shouting out something I didn't understand (but it didn't sound complimentary), and lunged out onto the street, which gave me my vision back.

Using the sidewalk as their own personal highway, plus the way they postured themselves on the motorcycle, showed how proud they were of themselves and how far they felt above the law.

And they kind of are above the law in Medinat Yisrael, unfortunately.

I was pretty sure they'd done it because I was charedi and certain parts of yasam enjoying targeting charedim (and even have a unit specifically for that), and that was their sport for the evening.

I didn't even bother to report them, mostly because I had no way of identifying them, but also because I couldn't imagine I'd be dealing with anyone who cared.

After all, who would I talk to? The yasam supervisor? I could just picture him thinking, What's wrong with driving down a sidewalk and pretending to almost run over a pedestrian — especially a charedi one? Why, I used to do the exact same thing myself!

In fact, another time prior to the above, I was walking past the pedestrian area of Ben Yehudah in Yerushalayim, and I again saw 2 yasamnikim swaggering around on their motorcycle with fully automatic machine guns slung across their back & black bulletproof vests over their uniform, zoom straight for the pedestrian area.

Wariness stopped me in my tracks as I watched them, not sure who they were or what were their intentions. Their power-trip posturing combined with their fully automatic machine guns and supercilious dash into a pedestrian area didn't exactly say "psychologically healthy" to me.

As they sped into the pedestrian area, I glanced at the more experienced Israelis around me to get a better feel for the situation (because I'd never seen anything like this before & had no clue how to process what was going on).

​It was not reassuring to see that everyone else had also stopped to gaze warily at the brazen pair.

Happily, a regular street cop immediately stopped them. He was an older guy who loudly gave them a piece of his mind, using sharp gestures to tell them they weren't allowed to do what they were doing.

The just stared at the furious cop through their helmet visors, then sped back out of the pedestrian area, never losing their posture of I'm soooo cool & on such a gratifying power trip!

It's sort of unfortunate that as they swagger around on their motorcycles, they're armed with fully automatic machine guns, but no one ever said life was fair. 

Or safe.

I didn't even think to report them because I figured the street cop would take care of it.

They were actually much scarier than the ones who pretended to almost run me over at the mall (whom I sensed were just playing around, albeit in a very immature & potentially dangerous manner). With the guys at the mall, I felt more like: You're such immature pathetic bullying creeps. I'm not afraid of you. Get a life.

The ones dashing into Ben Yehudah seemed a lot more threatening.

Body language always speaks volumes.

Anyway, my son who served in the IDF for a brief stint advised me that if I ever found myself in the "Yasam playing chicken without consulting you first" situation again, I shouldn't move at all.

"They definitely see you!" he said. "They already know which way they want to go around you, but you don't know, so just don't move next time." (It's hard to convey tone in writing, but please know he spoke in a humorous & caring manner.)

Although he conceded that in this particular situation, my assumption that they wouldn't go around my left to behind me where there stood the bus stop and a group of people, plus the mall itself, was a solid assumption and that in this case, stepping back wasn't such a risk.

But in general, if they're zooming at you and blinding you with their lights, just stay perfectly still until they pass — that's my savvy son's sage advice. 

After all, they know exactly what they're doing.

So that's how it ended. (And it never happened again.)

By the way, there are different types of yasam, not just the charedi-fighting ones. There are also units that deal with drug-smuggling in the South and villages with illegal weapons in the Center & North, and so on.

Yasam goes out of its way to NOT place rabid Arab-haters in the units dealing with illegal Arab activity and also not to put rabid charedi-haters in the units dealing with charedi protests.

Needless to say, if a yasam-recruit really hates Arabs or charedim or any other group and wishes to davka get into confrontations with them, the recruit is generally clever enough to NOT reveal his prejudice.

But what if he totally lacks tact & judiciousness?

"Well," said my source, "they place the real psychos only where you have to be insane to do the job."

"Where's that?" I said.

"On horses or motorcycles," came the reply.

Oho!

Anyway, not to brag or anything [sarc], but just to let you know that I personally did not feel any need to start trashing stores that had absolutely nothing to do with the incident at the mall. 

In fact, the idea never even occurred to me.

Furthermore, I did not break into any business whatsoever to steal beer or smartphones in protest of being nearly run over by the police (on a sidewalk, for crying out loud — simply because I looked charedi).

​I did not shoot, stab, or assault even one cop.

Nor did I set police cars on fire — not even a yasam motorcycle!

Just sayin'.