Category: Society

Blog Update: Why This Blog Took a Long Break & Why It's Happening Again

28/10/2022

As regular readers & subscribers have noticed, two things happened with this blog:

The Feedburner subscription stopped working for real around 2 months ago.

In other words, subscribers will no longer receive new posts in their Inbox.

Long before this happened, a blog post went up warning of this, plus a notice sits in the sidebar.

I'm sorry for any inconvenience or "Huh?" that occurred from this (even though it's not my fault Google phased out Feedburner).

Having said that, I decided not to sign up for a new free subscription service. So anyone interested in new posts will need to come here to see them (which won't be often, as explained next).

I was mostly offline for around a month.

That's why this blog didn't get updated for so long.

What happened was this:

I switched to Netfree's Limited Plan, which blocks access to ALL websites except those appearing on this page:
https://en.forum.netfree.link/

(For me, this page appears in Hebrew, but a friend outside of Eretz Yisrael said the page shows up in English for her.)

It happened suddenly in the middle of the night, when hit by the realization I simply must switch immediately.

It felt rude, like a host who invited everyone to an open-house, then suddenly disappeared without explanation.

I felt bad about the rudeness (and I apologize), but also realized I faced no other choice.

(It's hard to explain because, for some reason, I kept pushing off the switch in order to post an announcement on the blog, but kept pushing off that too, and then realized I needed to just DO it. Again, not sure myself how to explain what was happening.)

On Netfree's Limited Plan, I cannot even conduct a search on any search engine.

Also, Netfree "fines" users 20-25 shekels for switching to a more open plan.

(Though a small amount of money, it still acts as a wonderful deterrent.)

It also takes 2 hours for the switch to a more open plan to occur, so no instant "hit" or gratification—very wise.

And on the Limited Plan, I cannot access my own blog...nothing, other than the boring utilitarian sites seen at the above link.

This means that if you send me a link, I will not be able to access it (unless it is one of those boring websites featured in my plan, as appearing on the page in the above Netfree link).

(If they really want me to see an article, some people copy the text, paste it into an email, and send it to me instead of a link.)

So that's what happened.

I'm on a more open plan very temporarily for now, but am switching back to the Limited Plan pretty quickly.

Internet Ups & Downs

Why did I do that?

And why am I doing it again?

First of all, I'd been having conflicts over my Internet use for ages.

It's too much to go into the whole history and back-and-forth...sometimes I had Internet, sometimes not at all, sometimes only email, plus I went through 3 different filters using their different plans, etc.

In short, this is personal and varies for each individual.

Each person needs to be honest with themselves about why they have Internet and why they have their particular plan/filter to access the Internet.

At one point, I switched from email-only to Internet for parnasa.

I didn't realize no respectable rabbinical heter actually existed for this in the way many people assumed.

(Rav Itamar Schwartz explains this in detail here: https://question.bilvavi.net/blog/2021/08/24/the-gedolims-view-on-internet-use/)

For me, this loomed as a big mistake only realized later.

Upon honest analysis, the benefits and positive results do not outweigh the negative—at least, not for me.

Hashem showed me over the past year that even the reasons I initially thought I needed Internet were actually not so true...and at this point, they no longer held true at all.

(This made me sad and still pangs me in some ways, but the truth often hurts—at least in the beginning of a transition. Later, that same originally painful truth can paradoxically end up feeling great!)

A Significant & Unique Benefit to Living in Eretz Yisrael

I'm very lucky that in Eretz Yisrael, you really don't NEED the Internet.

I think it's different in the USA and most other modern countries because it seems certain services simply cannot be accessed without an app or some kind of Internet connection.

Not 100% sure, but this is my impression.

Yet because of the burgeoning religious clout in Eretz Yisrael, most services offer a non-Internet option.

Is it as convenient?

No.

But it exists.

Heck, I even lived without my own cell phone for the past couple of years.

Because I live in a charedi community (where it's admittedly unusual to not have a cell phone at all, even the little dinky "dumbphones"), people still managed with me—and did so non-judgmentally—even though I seemed to be one of the only people with no cell phone at all.

(Recently I started working almost full-time at a charedi gender-segregated office, and it made sense to have one. So now I have a little dinky Internet-free text-free cell phone.)

Having said all that, I know some extremely & sincerely frum people who finally caved in to get a computer with email ONLY.

Charedi communities also host Internet centers using a Netfree filter, so a person in real need of an Internet connection can use those.

I personally won't be doing that because it ends up being too stressful, (I find the need for passwords extremely aggravating for some reason—also at work!), the sometimes lack of privacy & being around other people when I'm an introvert at heart, going so much out of my way to get to the place (even though 2 Internet centers are within walking distance!)...

...and when I tried to access my own blog to post articles at one of these places, I could not access it for some reason—which likely has a solution because I knew of another Weebly-user who posted regularly from an Internet center to her blog—but it's too much aggravation for my kind of personality & in the phase I'm in now.

And that's the gist of it.

The Surprising & Liberating Result of Severe Internet Limitation

Initially, I expected to feel very bored without any real Internet access.

I thought I'd suffer some kind of withdrawal.

After all, when I switched to Netfree in the beginning, there were certain sites I secretly longed for over several months.

After all, the only websites available on the Netfee's Limited Plan are ones like "The Municipality of Ashkelon" or "Bank Hapoalim" or "Train Schedules" or "Gmail."

In other words, only utilitarian sites remain available.

For example, no temptation exists to go surfing through the Discount Bank website with its pages of Hebrew text.

Sure, I could spend a lot of time in my Gmail account, but am not compelled to...so I don't.

To my surprise, I did experience only a couple of phases of boredom, but remedied them by doing something in the house that needed to be done, or running an errand, or reading a good book I hadn't read in a while.

In general, I felt much better too.

Even more oddly, I stopped pining for that tiny handful of sites I'd really enjoyed before Netfree.

Why did cutting out the Internet so drastically eliminate my longings when limiting it moderately did not?

I'm baffled.

Anyway, I also started going to sleep earlier, getting more things done both in the house and out (despite an actual decrease in time due to a new work schedule), and in general felt happier.

Also, I fully expected to miss the sites I visited the most...yet didn't.

Now that I've been back online for a week, I see why it's so bad for me.

The War for Your Brain

Self-discipline is not the problem here.

The Internet (and its tentacles of social media, apps, etc.) are built & fine-tuned to suck you in by your brain chemistry (to funnel money & control to their greedy creators).

I've written here before about our brains being under attack. We're wired a certain way and the creators of these technologies know all about it.

For example, please see these posts on the topic:

www.myrtlerising.com/blog/why-this-generation-is-so-astounding

(Scroll down to "Your Brain under Attack" within the post.)

I know people who boast of being perfectly self-disciplined about their Internet use, but I see they are not. They simply adjust their standards to fit their self-serving principles and definitions.

Not purposely, but instinctively. They're honestly not aware of what they're doing.

Again, we're all on different levels and different stages of our journeys.

This is where I'm personally holding.

I wish I could get down to having just email, but I'm not ready for that.

A Short Note before Saying Good-Bye Again

Initially, I planned this week to finish up any half-finished or three-fourths-finished posts hanging around, and to post a couple of new ones rolling around in my head.

But I didn't! I just re-posted an old post and created another mostly from copy 'n' paste...and that was it.

Even this post, which I meant to write immediately, only got done now!

I just couldn't do it. Not sure why.

So I'm going back to the Limited Plan.

In other words, this website will remain online, but I'm not actually here.

In the meantime, if I manage it, I will write posts in Word, and then switch plans again to access this blog, post a series of scheduled posts, then go back to the Limited Plan again.

I don't think that's a perfect solution, but it's honestly where I'm holding now.

Someone brilliantly suggested sending out posts by email subscription and avoiding the blog entirely.

That's actually a real good alternative, but I'm hesitant about encountering the same response I had before to some who subscribers who felt the need to immediately respond in a way I found challenging whenever triggered by a post.

(And they could go off-topic or misunderstand the whole meaning of the post in their triggered state. Not bad people at all, but just people who didn't realize what they were doing, by misunderstanding, getting triggered, then responding in that emotional state and lack of understanding.)

This happened davka with those who received the post directly to their Inbox as opposed to reading it on the blog. Most people did not respond that way, but some did.

It seems something about receiving it as an email created that dynamic.

So maybe I will do that, but not sure yet.

Thanks for reading.

These are questions asked by Rav Moshe Chaim Luzatto in his masterpiece: Da'at Tevunot.

Crosswalk Feminism

1/9/2022

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Growing up as girl in the Eighties, the surrounding culture beat into our heads the idea that we could behave and dress however we wanted.

Any negative consequences were never considered the results of our behavior (though in private people understood otherwise).

Outside of learning self-defense techniques, martial arts, or carrying a gun, there was nothing we could do to protect ourselves — nor did we need to, we were told.

We had THE RIGHT.

Yes, The Right to do whatever we wanted & go wherever we wanted & behave however we wanted...regardless of consequences.

Not matter how much survival instinct and just plain common sense says otherwise, this was & continues to be the message to girls.

But no one ever applies this kind of recklessness to any other situation.

For example, driving with situational awareness through a safari during the day in a sturdy car is okay.

It still involves some risk, yet many people do it with no negative consequences.

But strolling through a safari on foot at night when predatory animals are awake and on the prowl?

Not okay.

Hello, good ol' common sense (with regard to 4-legged predators).

And good-bye, common sense (with regard to 2-legged predators).

(And yes, college campuses are rife with 2-legged predatory "animals" cruising the bars in search of drunk young females on their own. If you speak with those who answer the calls on college crises hotlines, you'll discover this is THE most common situation in which college females are violated.)

Your Right to Cross at the Crosswalk However & Whenever You Want?

Let’s look at another example:

Do you as a pedestrian have a right to cross at a crosswalk?

Do all vehicles—trucks, motorcycles, cars (from beat-up rust cans to luxury limos), buses—have the obligation to stop at the crosswalk and allow you to cross?

Do you have the right to cross on a crosswalk at night?

If of age, do have the right to cross the street after imbibing a few martinis?

Do you have the right to clothe yourself completely in black and cross the crosswalk at night?

And aren't all motor vehicles required by law & cultural courtesy to stop & allow you to cross at a crosswalk?

The answer to all the above, of course, is YES.

However, if you say: “I have the RIGHT to cover myself head to toe in black and cross on a crosswalk at night WITHOUT making sure drivers can actually see me AND WITHOUT checking for oncoming cars will stop...because crossing a crosswalk dressed however I want and at whatever moment I want is my RIGHT as a pedestrian” — then such an attitude could easily cause injury or death to the crossing pedestrian.

Why?

First of all, cars can’t see you.

And most drivers WANT to see you. They don’t want to hit you.

Second of all, there are dysfunctional drivers.

There are drivers who are tired or stressed or distracted. There are reckless drivers who speed and don’t check for pedestrians at crosswalks.

There are people driving while drunk or high.

Regardless of your right as a pedestrian, common sense and the instinct for self-preservation tells you before crossing at a crosswalk, you must make sure that any oncoming cars are going to stop.

For normal drivers, making sure you’re seen is enough. The moment they see you, they slow down and stop.

But for dysfunctional drivers, you need more caution.

Because you don’t know the drivers of the vehicles, you need to size up the situation before crossing the street.

Is the car speeding? Is it driving erratically? Is it slowing? Does it seem like the driver can see you? Is the driver paying attention?

If you want to cross while wearing all black at night, you need to take even more precautions, like wearing or holding something reflective or making double-sure there are no oncoming cars.

And because drinking alcohol impairs you judgement, you need to pay extra attention (even ask for help) — even if you’re dressed in all-white and crossing in daylight.

Why?

Because the DRIVERS aren't reliable.

If you're really drunk, maybe you shouldn't cross the street at all.

Or maybe you should find a friend to walk or drive you home.

Things You'll Never Hear People Say...Except to Girls & Women to Deny Them the Basic Right to Self-Preservation

Regarding crossing streets, no one says stupid things like:

“Telling pedestrians to wear night-visible clothing is blaming the victim.”

“Telling pedestrians to take extra precautions when wearing all-black at night is essentially blaming the pedestrians who got hit wearing all-black at night.”

“Pedestrians don’t need to take extra precautions—DRIVERS should just STAY HOME AT NIGHT! If people would stop driving at night, pedestrians would never get hurt.”

"Sure, a lot of car accidents derive from drunk driving. But saying that, despite the driver’s clear guilt, the accident still could've been avoided had the pedestrian taken self-protective measures (like not drinking, which caused them to stumble into the crosswalk without looking first) —well, that shows you simply hate pedestrians and are a "mispedestrianist."

“I don’t care whether it saves lives to warn pedestrians against crossing the street at night while drunk & dressed completely in black — you’re a pedestrian-hater for saying that. I mean, sheesh. This is why we FINALLY need a pedestrian for President! Only a pedestrian can be pro-pedestrians.”

“Pedestrians have the RIGHT to cross at crosswalks WHENEVER they want, wearing WHATEVER they want, and at WHATEVER level of inebriation they want. I don’t CARE about the possibility of people driving while drunk, reckless, tired, or distracted. DRIVERS need to be careful, not pedestrians. We need to educate drivers to never get drunk, distracted, tired, or reckless. And until we achieve that, pedestrians should be allowed to behave however they want on sidewalks, crosswalks, and pedestrian lanes.”

“Listen, drunk or reckless drivers also hit people wearing bright clothing in full daylight AND walking on the sidewalk! I mean, I once knew someone who wasn't anywhere NEAR a street — and she still got hit by a car. That means bad drivers are everywhere, so there's no point in taking precautions when crossing a street because people also get hit on by cars when not crossing streets.”

“You're a pedestrian who insists on precautionary measures when faced with crossing a street? Well, you’re clearly not a modern pedestrian. Today’s pedestrians know better. Pedestrians are more liberated now. It’s the DRIVERS who need to change. It sounds like you’re suffering from low self-esteem. Maybe you should look into therapy and learn to respect yourself as a pedestrian.”

Right?

We all recognize that, while a drunk or reckless driver is COMPLETELY at fault, it is in the pedestrians best interest (and SELF-interest) to take all precautions necessary BECAUSE of the risk of drunk, reckless, distracted, or tired drivers.

Note: It should be acknowledged the above isn’t the perfect parallel because most drivers don’t mean to hit pedestrians, yet men who violate women generally mean to do it. But the mashal of how a person needs to protect herself — even when it’s her “right” to do as she pleases — still holds true.

For example, even in the case of predatory animals actively looking for prey, the same precautions apply to a woman who wants to walk through a safari at night or to a woman walking down a street roamed by wild dogs. She simply should not do it. And if she finds herself in such a situation, she certainly should not go there drunk!

Let's Encourage All Females to Conduct Themselves with the Same Self-Preserving Sensibility of Crossing a Street

Since its inception, feminism worked toward the dumbing-down of women and girls.

It’s true that women today are more intellectual and sophisticated than ever before.

But they aren’t as savvy.

(I'm serious. Talk to simple women from non-Western cultures where women had few rights. They're much savvier, possess much more common sense.)

Before the Seventies, women tended to handle situations with so much more common sense and wisdom.

And now, you can talk to a woman with, for example, a doctorate in calculus, and she can turn out to me one of the dumbest, most illogical people you have ever talked to.

(No, not always. And a lot of intellectual men are stupid twits, too. University professors in particular lack common sense. But this post focuses on the influence of the feminist movement on women, not men.)

And unfortunately, there will always be bad and/or drunk men until Mashiach comes.

And yes, it’s their fault if they hurt any female through their badness and drunkenness.

And yes, they should be punished.

But throwing young women into their path and brainwashing young woman against protecting themselves against such animals is outright cruel and heartless.

Related post:
www.myrtlerising.com/blog/two-powerful-lessons-revealed-by-dinahs-ordeal-in-parshat-vayishlach

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What Yeshayahu Foretells for Our Generation

14/8/2022

The Me'am Loez (The Book of Yeshayahu, pages 17-22) on Yeshayahu/Isaiah Chapter 2 contains illuminating messages regarding Yehudah (Jews) and Yerushalayim:

Note:
Most of the following Hebrew text & English translations come from here:
https://mechon-mamre.org/p/pt/pt1002.htm

Yeshayahu 2:2

And it shall come to pass in the end of days, that the mountain of the LORD'S house shall be established as the top of the mountains, and shall be exalted above the hills; and all nations shall flow unto it.

וְהָיָה בְּאַחֲרִית הַיָּמִים, נָכוֹן יִהְיֶה הַר בֵּית-ה' בְּרֹאשׁ הֶהָרִים, וְנִשָּׂא, מִגְּבָעוֹת; וְנָהֲרוּ אֵלָיו, כָּל-הַגּוֹיִם

ME'AM LOEZ:

"And it will come to pass" — a phrase denoting a new world order — after the refinement process of the previous chapter, that there will be a most profound change in the nature of man.

Mankind will abandon all modern and subtle forms of idolatry and make the leap of faith up to God.

Not only the Jewish people will return to God wholeheartedly, but also with all the gentile nations.

They will forsake the mountains, symbolic and real upon which they worshipped their gods, and together with their children and wives — "all of the nations" — they will come "flocking" to Him, running up the "Mountain of the House of God," the Temple Mount.

How great will be the common rejoicing of man on that day!

This will all come to pass in the days of the Mashiach.

Right now, we're seeing a warped version of this.

Nations go up to the Temple Mount today, not to return to Hashem wholeheartedly, but to express the dominance of their false beliefs, whether its an anti-Torah religion or atheist visitors treating the holy place like just another tourist attraction.

Furthermore, the non-Jewish presence infiltrating Eretz Yisrael today represents the opposite of that predicted by the Navi.

These non-Jews have not abandoned their idolatry of any kind and make no leap of faith to Hashem Elokai Yisrael.

On the contrary, they do everything they can to poison Am Yisrael with false & harmful beliefs, whether in the form of religious missionaries or secular gentile immigrants who wish to make the Holy Land a secular non-Jewish country in which THEY can feel perfectly comfortable according to their own anti-Torah standards.

The authentic Mashiach-led "new world order" still lies in our future.

The "new world order" plotted among world leaders today is led by the worst of humanity.

Please note the Me'am Loez specifies how the innate positive change in human nature, the proactive acknowledgement of Hashem's Mastery, and the new world order will occur AFTER Mashiach comes: "in the days of Mashiach."

We may be at the End of Days, but have not yet arrived at the "days of Mashiach."

Mashiach has not yet been revealed.

Yeshayhu 2:3

And many peoples shall go and say: 'Come ye, and let us go up to the mountain of the LORD, to the house of the God of Jacob; and He will teach us of His ways, and we will walk in His paths.' For out of Zion shall go forth [Torah], and the word of the LORD from Jerusalem.

וְהָלְכוּ עַמִּים רַבִּים, וְאָמְרוּ לְכוּ וְנַעֲלֶה אֶל-הַר-יְהוָה אֶל-בֵּית אֱלֹהֵי יַעֲקֹב, וְיֹרֵנוּ מִדְּרָכָיו, וְנֵלְכָה בְּאֹרְחֹתָיו: כִּי מִצִּיּוֹן תֵּצֵא תוֹרָה, וּדְבַר-יְהוָה מִירוּשָׁלִָם

ME'AM LOEZ:

This change will take place first among those nations nearest to the Land of Israel, who will then go and draw their fellow gentile neighbors "to go up to the Mountain of God."

They will come in droves to learn "His ways" of faith and follow "His paths" of proper behavior.

They will come to see that true faith — "[Torah]" — comes only "from Jerusalem" and the true rules of behavior — the word of God — come only "from Zion."

As shown on any world map, the "nations nearest to the Land of Israel" are Muslim-Arab nations.

According to the Me'am Loez, they will be the first to experience this new change, and draw their neighbors after them.

Interestingly, a glance at the world map shows the neighbors of our neighbors (depending on which direction) as the African continent and the Asian continent, with the Soviet states taking up a huge chunk of that Asian "neighborhood."

Europe lies beyond the Soviet states & two seas (the Mediterranean & the Black Sea).

And the Americas, plus the countries of Oceania, lie even farther away.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I always thought people assume the new change will either occur simultaneously OR Edom will play a big part.

But the Me'am Loez presents a very different order of events.

Also, Sefer Ovadia discusses the burning destruction of Edom, and the complete annihilation of Esav, in verse 18.

In verse 8 of Sefer Ovadia, Malbim states that understanding will perish from Mount Esav, people will be stunned, confused, and "eat straw," and die in the War of Gog.

Here, Malbim defines Har/Mount Esav as the head of Edom, which he says is "little Rome."

(I guess meaning not the Roman empire, but Rome itself, which today hosts Vatican City.)

Yes, Har Esav is considered a geographical location near Eretz Yisrael, and the Malbim uses that too, but this is Malbim's interpretation of Mount Esav in this verse — an interpretation which makes a lot of sense, if you think about it.

Anyway, I think what's foretold throughout Neviim is very different than many people's assumptions.

And going back to the original point:

It's important to note that these nations will come NOT to influence us but to LEARN THE TRUTH from us.

Again, this is the opposite of what occurs today.

Unfortunately, many Jews place the idea of Zionism on such a high pedestal that any non-Jew (no matter how much of an idolater or menuval) who claims to support Zionism receives fawning approbation, even from Jews who should know better.

However, the main goal is keeping the TORAH'S values.

With few exceptions, that's not happening...yet.

By extracting from its purely religious context the mitzvah of JEWS settling the Land & warping it into a political ideal (which originally included Communism), Zionism has made room for all sorts of anti-Torah attitudes & behaviors paradoxically considered worthy & respected.

But the whole point of ANYONE coming to Eretz Yisrael to learn more about what Hashem wants from all of us.

Anyone who comes to Eretz Yisrael to do otherwise is NOT fulfilling what is written here.

Yeshayahu 2:4

And He shall judge between the nations, and shall decide for many peoples; and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks; nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.

וְשָׁפַט בֵּין הַגּוֹיִם, וְהוֹכִיחַ לְעַמִּים רַבִּים; וְכִתְּתוּ חַרְבוֹתָם לְאִתִּים, וַחֲנִיתוֹתֵיהֶם לְמַזְמֵרוֹת--לֹא-יִשָּׂא גוֹי אֶל-גּוֹי חֶרֶב, וְלֹא-יִלְמְדוּ עוֹד מִלְחָמָה

ME'AM LOEZ:

But even as those gentile nations come up to God, God will rebuke them for their being "many" — for their being divided into warring factions and for their not bringing true peace on earth.

He will then "judge between them" and resolve for all time their border disputes which gave rise to their wars.

All the world's nations will then renounce war and destroy all their weaponry.

And as reparations for their persecuting the Jews, they will put their war technology —their "swords and spears" — to the peaceful use of reclaiming the Land of Israel.

All this God will do through His servant, the Mashiach, who will "judge between the nations" in God's Name at the Temple Mount.

Interestingly, as the nations rush up to the Temple Mount to learn the authentic rules of decent behavior, they will encounter rebuke, along with a re-organizing of their authentic boundaries.

This brings yet more proof why we should not take sides in the Russian-Ukrainian war: Mashiach will inform them of the real boundaries of their countries.

(For more reasons, please start here: does-an-unwinnable-unrecoverable-war-justify-massive-destruction-displacement-trauma-and-loss-why-does-so-much-of-the-media-insist-all-this-chaos-is-such-a-positive-unavoidable-turn-of-events.html )

Mashiach will work it out according to Hashem's intentions.

Furthermore, all their war technology will be utilized in the "peaceful use" of a Jewish return to Eretz Yisrael.

Again, a warped version of this parallels the Iron Dome, a gentile-invented war technology used to protect Jews in Eretz Yisrael, but as a military device, not peaceful use.

And the reason why the great despiser of Israel, Obama, allowed Jews in Israel to buy the Iron Dome is to perfect the Iron Dome for American defense, if necessary.

In other words, the purpose of the Iron Dome in Israel is human experimentation with the Jews as guinea pigs which, in Hashem's Great Chessed, has worked out very well for the Jews in Eretz Yisrael.

Yeshayahu 2:5

O house of Jacob, come ye, and let us walk in the light of the LORD

'בֵּית, יַעֲקֹב--לְכוּ וְנֵלְכָה, בְּאוֹר ה

ME'AM LOEZ:

Peace will reign on earth and all peoples of the world will now seek only God.

The nations will then beg the Jewish people to lead the way, seeing themselves as unworthy: "House of Jacob, let us — teach us how to — walk in the Light of God.

But this itself will be a great rebuke for the Jewish people.

Here, the nations who never experienced the Light of God are ready to give up everything just in order to get closer to Him; all the more so should we, the Jewish people, forsake our own internal fighting and come together to serve God:

"House of Jacob, let us walk together in the Light of God."

In contrast to the above verses, this one hints to our behavior prior to Mashiach.

While the nations lack the Light of God received via the Torah now, we DO have access to it!

So we should put aside our internal strife NOW to come together in avodat Hashem.

Please note the emphasis on coming together to SERVE HASHEM.

It's not about feel-good associations with people who refuse to even consider doing teshuvah.

The message of the Navi from Hashem clearly states our joining together in achdut must be toward the common goal of serving Hashem.

Yeshayahu 2:6-8

כִּי נָטַשְׁתָּה, עַמְּךָ בֵּית יַעֲקֹב--כִּי מָלְאוּ מִקֶּדֶם, וְעֹנְנִים כַּפְּלִשְׁתִּים; וּבְיַלְדֵי נָכְרִים, יַשְׂפִּיקוּ
וַתִּמָּלֵא אַרְצוֹ כֶּסֶף וְזָהָב, וְאֵין קֵצֶה לְאֹצְרֹתָיו; וַתִּמָּלֵא אַרְצוֹ סוּסִים, וְאֵין קֵצֶה לְמַרְכְּבֹתָיו
וַתִּמָּלֵא אַרְצוֹ, אֱלִילִים: לְמַעֲשֵׂה יָדָיו יִשְׁתַּחֲווּ, לַאֲשֶׁר עָשׂוּ אֶצְבְּעֹתָיו

(6) For Thou hast forsaken Thy people the house of Jacob; for they are replenished from the east, and with soothsayers like the Philistines, and they please themselves in the brood of aliens.
(7) Their land also is full of silver and gold, neither is there any end of their treasures; their land also is full of horses, neither is there any end of their chariots.
(8) Their land also is full of idols; every one worships the work of his own hands, that which his own fingers have made.

ME'AM LOEZ:

But You, God, did not forsake Your People to gentile persecution without reason — the Jewish people themselves are to blame: "they filled their land with sorcery, gold and silver, steed and idolatry."

And you, Jewish people, yourselves "forsook Your people-ness" by becoming like the gentiles rather than being God's people.

Your forsook the ways handed down to you by the ancestors and took up "brainchild" philosophies of the gentiles.

***

You have degraded your humanness by "stooping to your own handiwork": to your sorcery, gold and steed — to your wisdom, wealth and power.

How low have you fallen to subordinate man to these inanimate and external things!

OUCH.

That's some rebuke.

And I couldn't help thinking "Facebook" as I read it.

Or "Google," another problematic stooge originally invented (at least in part) by assimilated Jews.

Even though these Internet poisons were not invented in Israel, a lot of the technology they use has its root in the Israeli hi-tech industry.

And could the magic of instant communication and all the other wizardry of hi-tech be considered a type of "sorcery" by the Navi speaking millennia ago?

Furthermore, "inanimate and external" are perfect descriptions of smartphones and tablets.

And also of TVs and radios!

Unfortunately, the lure of social media and all sorts of other platforms sucked in and continues to suck in many religious Jews, who imitate what they see promoted on their tablets and smartphones, whether they imitate it outright or try to work out a frum version of it ("You have degraded your humanness by 'stooping to your own handiwork' ").

As for the "brainchild" philosophies (wonder what the original Hebrew for that intriguing term?), so many Jews today (including well-intentioned frum Jews) promote psychological and political theories, regardless of how superficial or at odds with Torah values.

And how many twist themselves into pretzels to cram Torah thought into the image of whatever current scientific theories come into in vogue?

It's a tragic truth that today, many Jews do indeed forsake their own special "people-ness" in a misguided effort to imitate the non-Jewish world.

(Reading transcripts of & listening to Rav Avigdor Miller's lectures, plus reading his books, can remedy this.)

This next part gets even more interesting, in light of all the talk of prepping and the elites' underground luxury shelters...

Yeshayahu 2:9-10

וַיִּשַּׁח אָדָם, וַיִּשְׁפַּל-אִישׁ; וְאַל-תִּשָּׂא, לָהֶם
בּוֹא בַצּוּר, וְהִטָּמֵן בֶּעָפָר, מִפְּנֵי פַּחַד יְהוָה, וּמֵהֲדַר גְּאֹנוֹ

(9) Man will be bent and man will be humbled; but do not forgive them.
(10) Enter into the rock, and hide thee in the dust, from before the terror of the LORD, and from the glory of His majesty.

ME'AM LOEZ:

The time will come when "mankind will be bent" and forced to face the futility of their external gods.

At that time, they will run to "hide in the rocks and underground" as a self-humiliation before God for bowing down to those things.

But because this will be done from lack of choice and not out of true remorse, God does "not forgive them."

I still can't help thinking of smartphones and tablets and any Internet connection (especially the fake competitions & boasts popular in social media) as "the futility of their external gods" and "those things."

And here stands a reference to hiding underground.

This idea continues in the next verses, especially with regard to elitists who consider themselves "superior creatures"...

Yeshayahu 2:11-17

עֵינֵי גַּבְהוּת אָדָם, שָׁפֵל, וְשַׁח, רוּם אֲנָשִׁים; וְנִשְׂגַּב יְהוָה לְבַדּוֹ, בַּיּוֹם הַהוּא
כִּי יוֹם לַיהוָה צְבָאוֹת, עַל כָּל-גֵּאֶה--וָרָם; וְעַל, כָּל-נִשָּׂא וְשָׁפֵל
וְעַל כָּל-אַרְזֵי הַלְּבָנוֹן, הָרָמִים וְהַנִּשָּׂאִים; וְעַל, כָּל-אַלּוֹנֵי הַבָּשָׁן
וְעַל, כָּל-הֶהָרִים הָרָמִים; וְעַל, כָּל-הַגְּבָעוֹת הַנִּשָּׂאוֹת
וְעַל, כָּל-מִגְדָּל גָּבֹהַּ; וְעַל, כָּל-חוֹמָה בְצוּרָה
וְעַל, כָּל-אֳנִיּוֹת תַּרְשִׁישׁ; וְעַל, כָּל-שְׂכִיּוֹת הַחֶמְדָּה
וְשַׁח גַּבְהוּת הָאָדָם, וְשָׁפֵל רוּם אֲנָשִׁים; וְנִשְׂגַּב יְהוָה לְבַדּוֹ, בַּיּוֹם הַהוּא

(11) The lofty looks of man shall be brought low, and the haughtiness of men shall be bowed down, and the LORD alone shall be exalted in that day.
(12) For the LORD of hosts hath a day upon all that is proud and lofty, and upon all that is lifted up, and it shall be brought low;
(13) And upon all the cedars of Lebanon that are high and lifted up, and upon all the oaks of Bashan;
(14) And upon all the high mountains, and upon all the hills that are lifted up;
(15) And upon every lofty tower, and upon every fortified wall;
(16) And upon all the ships of Tarshish, and upon all delightful imagery.
[Me'am Loez translation verse 16: And above all the fleets of Tarshish and above all the marbled halls.]
(17) And the loftiness of man shall be bowed down, and the haughtiness of men shall be brought low; and the LORD alone shall be exalted in that day.

ME'AM LOEZ:

...God will be exalted above the "haughty" who see themselves as superior creatures, feeling demeaned even relating to others, and above the self-"elevated" who contemptuously put others down.

He will be exalted above those who are "haughty and exalted" both in their hearts and in their actions and above those who are "elevated" in their hearts, but put on a "humble" façade.

This reminds me of the current virtue signaling and social justice warriors promoted today.

Especially regarding "those who are 'elevated' in their hearts, but put on a 'humble' façade" —it's like all those white guys who self-flagellate for being, well, white guys (the deception of "white male privilege").

A lot of the environmental "green" movement or the animal rights movement fit this description of snooty (and fake) virtuousness, putting themselves down as polluters of the environment or as equals to or even beneath animals, or describing themselves and other humans as "glorified apes/mammals" and so on.

And a lot of the world's wealthiest & most powerful people indulge in a "humble façade" of all this virtue-signaling too while feeling oh-so " 'elevated' in their hearts," pretending to be like everyone else, while setting completely different standards for themselves against all the billions of people they feel beneath them.

Here's more from the Me'am Loez on these verses:

ME'AM LOEZ:

And on that day, God will be exalted above all those who exalt themselves with their wisdom like the majestic "cedars and oaks;" above all those who live on "high mountains and hills" to segregate themselves from what they see as inferior humanity; above all those who live in "tall towers or behind fortressed walls" to flaunt their power and prowess, and above all those who haughty themselves with their wealth of "fleets and marbled halls."

"...to segregate themselves from what they see as inferior humanity..."

That, along with all the references to living in places in order to segregate and protect themselves (while flaunting & aggrandizing themselves, their self-congratulatory "prowess") makes me think of underground luxury shelters, luxury panic rooms in mansions, luxury bug-out destinations, and so on.

What the Navi says here is: All that ain't gonna help in the end.

Yeshayahu 2:18-21

וְהָאֱלִילִים, כָּלִיל יַחֲלֹף
וּבָאוּ בִּמְעָרוֹת צֻרִים, וּבִמְחִלּוֹת עָפָר--מִפְּנֵי פַּחַד יְהוָה, וּמֵהֲדַר גְּאוֹנוֹ, בְּקוּמוֹ, לַעֲרֹץ הָאָרֶץ
בַּיּוֹם הַהוּא, יַשְׁלִיךְ הָאָדָם, אֵת אֱלִילֵי כַסְפּוֹ, וְאֵת אֱלִילֵי זְהָבוֹ--אֲשֶׁר עָשׂוּ-לוֹ לְהִשְׁתַּחֲוֺת, לַחְפֹּר פֵּרוֹת וְלָעֲטַלֵּפִים
לָבוֹא בְּנִקְרוֹת הַצֻּרִים, וּבִסְעִפֵי הַסְּלָעִים--מִפְּנֵי פַּחַד יְהוָה, וּמֵהֲדַר גְּאוֹנוֹ, בְּקוּמוֹ, לַעֲרֹץ הָאָרֶץ

(18) And the idols shall utterly pass away.
(19) And men shall go into the caves of the rocks, and into the holes of the earth, from before the terror of the LORD, and from the glory of His majesty, when He ariseth to shake mightily the earth.
(20) In that day a man shall cast away his idols of silver, and his idols of gold, which they made for themselves to worship, to the rats and to the bats;
(21) To go into the clefts of the rocks, and into the crevices of the crags, from before the terror of the LORD, and from the glory of His majesty, when he ariseth to shake mightily the earth.

ME'AM LOEZ:

On that day, "all idols will completely disappear," even those in the far-flung places on earth where they will still exist...those who worshipped those idols will be so ashamed, they will run to "hide in caves and underground tunnels."

And as they run to hide, they will cast aside their idols in the most disgraceful way by "throwing them into the holes of rats and bats."

Of course, I'm imagining everyone tossing their smartphones and tablets into ratholes & bat nests out of shame. ("Heavens, I can believe I was actually watching CNN! I'm so embarrassed!")

That's an amusing thought.

And again, the Navi speaks of people running to hide in caves and underground tunnels, places we know are being carved out and built up today.

Rashi interprets la'arotz ha'aretz/to break the earth as "to break the WICKED of the earth."

Again, this possibly indicates a type of earthquake or meteor-strike that breaks the underground shelters of the wicked, most of whom are the wealthy & powerful elite.

Despite claims of the shelters being deep & fortified enough to withstand an earthquake or meteor-strike, it's clear no manmade structure can survive a direct hit or a fault-line running straight through the shelter.

Or a volcano opening up in the structure's immediate vicinity.

Our best technology cannot fortify any structure enough to withstand a direct attack from a particularly forceful act of nature.

And Hashem knows each person's address.

Either way, the verse indicates a literal breaking of both the earth and the wicked.

Meaning, it doesn't seem to indicate hurricanes, tornados, EMPS, or nuclear missiles.

Interestingly, while the above verses describe people running to these underground shelters out of fear (the reason the elites & anyone who can manage it construct these shelters), the Me'am Loez emphasizes they run to hide out of shame, not fear.

I guess we'll see.

Yeshayahu 2:22

Cease ye from man, in whose nostrils is a breath; for how little is he to be accounted!

חִדְלוּ לָכֶם מִן-הָאָדָם, אֲשֶׁר נְשָׁמָה בְּאַפּוֹ: כִּי-בַמֶּה נֶחְשָׁב, הוּא

ME'AM LOEZ:

So, "abandon" your idols which are only manmade because "man," their maker, has no significance.

And when you abandon your manmade idols, abandon also your man-made-into-idol because his whole existence is so precarious: "his soul lies in his breath," he must breathe every minute to live.

"What, then, is his significance?"

Again, this interpretation just screams to me "Internet" and all the Internet devices.

Yes, these manmade devices...and ALSO the man-made-into-idol, which is so much a part of social media.

Via social media & websites, politicians, pundits, and all kinds of celebrities receive the status of man-made-into-idol.

Even before the Internet, TV & radio created the phenomenon of the "pop idol" and the culture of fan clubs for the mostly immoral music stars and movie stars.

Yet at the end of the day, who are these people?

Nobodies.

They need to breathe the same way as anyone else in order to remain alive.

They're not innately superior to all their adorers.

It's all fake. It's all invented.

Finally, I cannot resist adding the interpretation of Chapter 3, verse 12 because it is so applicable today...

Yeshayahu 3:12

As for My people — their oppressors are pranksters and women rule over them. O My people! Your leaders are leading you astray and the way of your path they have destroyed.

עַמִּי נֹגְשָׂיו מְעוֹלֵל, וְנָשִׁים מָשְׁלוּ בוֹ; עַמִּי מְאַשְּׁרֶיךָ
מַתְעִים, וְדֶרֶךְ אֹרְחֹתֶיךָ בִּלֵּעוּ
https://mechon-mamre.org/p/pt/pt1003.htm

ME'AM LOEZ (The Book of Yeshayahu, page 29):

...namely, the people's false leaders: the government will become an "oppressive" police state and will be run by a band of "pranksters;" [znus] will become so widespread that "women will rule over them;" on top of this all, "your leaders" — your false prophets and wise men — who are supposed to guide you, instead just "destroy the way of your path" — not only did they destroy your following God's way consistently, but also your following it as an occasional path.

False leaders?

Like...unqualified or unjustly elected?

Check!

The government as an oppressive police state?

Check!

The government run by a band of pranksters/mockers?

(This so reminds me of the world leaders who prefer golfing, amusement parks, and hanging out at pubs to actually running the country.)

Check!

Widespread znus that rules over men (live & in the flesh and/or Internet addiction)?

Check!

Female leaders (who, despite all the predictions to the contrary, proved themselves no better than male leaders)?

Check!

False prophets and "wise" men meant to guide society, but instead shove everyone onto a self-destructive path (look at all the professors & other academic intellectuals in favor of euthanasia, abortion, pritzus, atheism, freedom for criminals, unchecked immigration (allowing entry to terrorists & violent psychopaths, rather than innocent hard-working people only), same-gender unions, gender-switching, and other social evils)?

Check!

It's also worth looking at what Rashi says:
"Adulterous women govern them" and "weaklings governed them."
(www.chabad.org/library/bible_cdo/aid/15934/jewish/Chapter-3.htm/showrashi/true#v12)

The former reminds me of persistent rumors regarding America's first female Vice-President and the latter reminds me of the President. Even his vocalized threat toward America's enemies came out in such a soft, feminine voice with no grit.

If I was ISIS, I would just laugh with glee & contempt in response.

A lot of leaders today come off as weak. In fact, so many Republicans label their own politicians as RINOs — Republicans In Name Only.

And the leaders of Medinat Yisrael, including many army higher-ups, reveal themselves as weak mockers and pranksters.

Rumors of Muslim terrorists running Israeli prisons also reveal despicable weakness (and the use of znus) in the prison leadership.

However, Rashi also quotes Targum Yonatan, who interprets nashim moshlu as noshim moshlu — "creditors rule over them," which also makes sense, given the role of the Federal Reserve Bank and taxation, plus the Ponzi scheme of social security payments.

In other words, it's all there.

Today's world can be found in the prophecies of Yeshayahu.

And the comforting words for our beautiful future also lie in those same prophecies.

A photo of Harei Yehudah in Eretz Yisrael

"What Happened in Hadera?"

11/8/2022

Recently, our 25-year-old son told us what happened to a good friend of his in Hadera this past April 2022.

As our son's friend (let's call him David) walked down the street with his brother and their aunt, the boys saw a couple of men wearing large white knitted kippahs with beards and acting strangely.

"Hey, look over there. Who are those weird Breslovers?" one brother said to the other.

Only the weirdoes weren't Breslovers.

Religious Muslim men also wear beards and large white knitted head-coverings.

To the untrained eye, the appearances seem similar.

Suddenly, David found himself face-to-face with one of the "Breslovers," who also looked right at David while shooting a barrage of bullets from a fully automatic machine gun.

David just stared in shock while being shot at from close range, then passed out.

Later, he discovered his brother also passed out. And while their aunt did not pass out, she went into shock and lay on the pavement catatonic except for her uncontrolled shaking.

When the rescue services arrived, they saw David & his brother lying unconscious on the ground, so the brothers were among the first swept into the ambulances and taken to the hospital (along with the aunt).

David drifted in and out of shocked consciousness until his arrival at the hospital.

With everything happening so fast (including the rescue services, baruch Hashem), no one knew what had actually happened.

Seeing David awake with all these injured & shocked people coming in, the ER staff asked him, "What's going on?! What happened in Hadera?!"

"I don't know!" David gasped. "These Breslovers just started shooting at us in a terror attack!"

Then he passed out again.

Later, everyone found out what really happened.

David still suffers PTSD and takes prescription medication to sleep at night.

3 Points to Take Away from This Incident

(1) These are the silent victims of terror.

They received no physical injury and saw no gore or trauma on others.

We don't hear much about them or from them.

But just finding themselves face to face with an armed terrorist and seeing bullets flying out in their direction is traumatic enough, as anyone can understand.

(2) First reports aren't automatically reliable.

A lot of people think first reports of an incident stand as the most accurate, but the above demonstrates the problem with that assumption.

It all depends.

Mistaken perceptions combined with shock and trauma don't make the best witnesses.

(3) Let's not overlook the open miracles Hashem gifts us, even along with the trauma.

Finally, the open miracle occurring here must be publicized.

David, his brother, their aunt, and several others were mere feet away from the rampaging terrorists, with at least one terrorist shooting directly at them.

In addition, David, his brother, and their aunt stood as unmoving targets.

How did every single bullet completely miss them?

Chasdei Hashem, yishtabach Shemo.

And so...

May all those injured and/or traumatized merit a complete refuah.

May Hashem avenge the blood of our brothers & sisters.

And may Hashem please bring Mashiach soon b'rachamim.

The Third Factor Contributing to Torah-Oriented Therapy that Works

8/8/2022

When I originally wrote the post on how & why therapy worked for one girl, I intended to include a 3rd major reason why it worked, but in writing the article, it flew out of mind.

Here's the article:
www.myrtlerising.com/blog/when-torah-oriented-therapy-worked-how-it-worked-and-why

And the 2 reasons stated there are:

The client's own ratzon to do the work necessary to improve.
The therapist making halacha & effective techniques a priority.

And the third?

The therapist must LIKE the client.

To Be Effective, One Must Learn to be Honest with Oneself

The necessity of the mentor actually liking the person being mentored is always true, whether regarding a therapist, rabbi, rebbetzin, advisor, counselor, mentor, or any other type of confidant or consultant.

Liking someone includes empathy too.

You can know a behavior is wrong while also empathizing with the reason for that person's behavior.

And a responsible should do his or her best to know when they cannot help someone.

For example, when I showed admiration to a therapist for offering 1st-time appointments for free, she stated she did it for herself as much as the new client.

That way, she explained, she felt free to reject the client if she saw it wouldn't work.

A lot of times, you can tell in 10 minutes or less whether you like someone. An experienced person can tell in 10 minutes or less whether they can work with someone, whether the potential exists.

In the above-mentioned post, the therapist genuinely liked the girl she helped.

In fact, the therapist specialized in teenage girls and genuinely liked them.

This counts as a PRIME factor in helping another person improve.

When Mentoring/Advising/Counseling Goes Wrong

Probably, we've experienced encounters with people meant to help us, but instead made us feel disliked, defective, stupid, insignificant, and gave surprisingly bad advice.

For example, I knew a rebbetzin with incredible energy who did tremendous much-needed chessed of all types.

Throughout her life, she made meaningful and continuous contributions to Torah life.

However, she didn't appreciate introverted people.

She didn't hate them, but she did not appreciate them, and this prevented her from really liking them.

Because of this, her advice with introverted types tended to go like a coin-flip.

Sometimes she offered suitable advice to them, sometimes not.

And when unsuitable, her advice sometimes turned out badly wrong.

In fact, she even discouraged shidduchim between introverts, offering different reasons why it wouldn't work.

The reasons usually sounded either offensive or just not so logical (because they emanated from emotion, and not reason).

I personally know of 2 shidduchim she actively discouraged at first, but the 2 couples got married anyway.

One marriage worked out really well because they are excellent people who are obviously perfect for each other.

The other marriage turned out less happy because the wife lacks good middot (while the husband possesses excellent middot), but this rebbetzin did not discourage the shidduch because of that. In fact, this rebbetzin thought the young woman's middot were just fine (except for the young woman's introversion, of course).

In another situation, she several times berated an introverted girl suffering serious doubts about a shidduch until the girl lost confidence in her own perceptions & went through with the marriage, which the girl later always regretted (though the couple never got divorced).

When dealing with introverts, the rebbetzin's manner of giving the advice sometimes suddenly turned harsh or abrasive.

The sudden harsh or angry tone came as shock because she normally seemed so cheerful and smiley.

This sudden about-face resulted from her impatience when dealing with an introvert, who often wants to think through things before acting, or who thinks more deeply and with more complexity about issues, and needs to work through that before making a decision.

A lot of people want to understand WHY they need to do something before they do it.

And yes, it's weird when people like this rebbetzin end up working with baalei teshuvah and gerim because they whole reason WHY the people did teshuvah is BECAUSE they think this way!

Yes, there's a downside in overthinking things.

But there's an upside too. It always depends on how it's done.

This rebbetzin is very smart & exceptionally competent doer rather than a thinker.

And that's fine. Some doers appreciate thinkers and vice-versa.

In other words, some people appreciate differences.

But this one did not.

So even though she willingly made herself available as a consultant-rebbetzin to others, she simply proved herself unable to offer suitable advice to personalities she does not really like or appreciate.

And we're all like that.

The key is to making yourself LIKE the person turning to you. (Easier said than done, but often possible when one cares enough & is aware enough.)

Unfortunately, the above-mentioned rebbetzin lacked the ability to do that because she convinced herself she was a real ohev Yisrael, that she loved everybody.

She honestly believed this about herself. (And she genuinely did a lot of good.)

So she never realized she didn't actually love a significant part of the frum population (introverts).

Instead, she believed her impatience or anger or discrimination came from the other person's exceptionally difficult nature...which was sometimes true, of course.

But often, it wasn't.

This explains why people go to a rabbi, rebbetzin, advisor, etc., who others label as "SO AMAZING!!!" and "helped SO MANY people with this exact problem!" and so on...but then receive obviously unsuitable advice or get treated badly or dismissively.

It could be they ARE amazing...but not with you.

It could be they ARE extremely helpful...but not to you.

And all that could mean there is something wrong with you...or it could mean there's something wrong with them.

Or it could mean they simply aren't the right shaliach for you in a particular situation.

A Mentoring Success Story

The rebbetzin who mentored me so helpfully (NOT the one described above) also really liked me.

We hit it off from the first time we met (at a class she gave in my neighborhood).

She also genuinely liked young women, young mothers.

She felt genuine sympathy for our issues, while also seeing our flaws and our potential.

Not all middle-aged women feel this way.

Some feel envious toward young mothers because they remember those years as easier than their lives now.

Or it's generational; they see your generation as spoiled and they resent it.

But she wasn't like that at all. She was really empathetic, yet practical.

Because you always felt she stood squarely on your side, it was much easier to take her advice, even the hard-to-follow advice.

Her unswerving & affectionate loyalty to your best interests was the honey that made the bitter pill of breaking middot easier to swallow.

Interestingly, she felt genuine affection toward the more introverted, introspective, emotionally complicated women that most others (understandably) find so exasperating to deal with.

Even more interestingly, she wasn't like that at all herself!

She was a particularly fearless & proactive doer and rescuer.

(And a real handful as a child; these types usually are.)

In fact, her lack of fear led her into dangerous situations at times (because fear helps us take proper precautions)...situations in which her fearlessness & quick thinking helped her to find a way out of these situations.

(I still remember when an attempted kidnapping ended in her driving off in the potential abductor's car, leaving him in the dirt while she sped off to the police station. And she was totally blasé about it later.)

She never engaged in the kind of complex-bordering-on-neurotic thought processes that some of us do.

Yet she held great affection for those completely different than her.

Somehow, she was able to understand & appreciate those whose brains were wired so differently than hers.

Another way she differed from me and many others she helped is that she grew up in a very solid Chassidish family who survived the Holocaust with their Yiddishkeit firmly (and miraculously, IMO) intact.

And they weren't regular Chassidim either, but Chassidim with yichus & importance.

Yet somehow, she managed to understand & identify with people from secular or even non-Jewish backgrounds.

And she provided tremendous help & guidance. At times, she mamash saved lives, both in the emotional sense and literally.

Without even meaning to, she stood as a wonderful role model.

She saw people as basically good & capable, but sometimes just in need of hand up.

(This is a VERY different & much healthier—and Torah-based—view of people, as opposed to many who view people as according to their flaws or dysfunctional behaviors, and who often generalize negatively, saying stuff like, "Most people are this-and-such-negative-trait...")

She also saw herself as a mere shaliach, acknowledging she wasn't the right shaliach for everyone, which is a very important (and Torah-true) approach to adopt when dealing with others.

That approach removes a lot of ego, which interferes in genuinely helping others.

Not only did I merit her mentoring myself, but sent a lot of people to her over the years until she could no longer do it.

I think the combination of her innate personality & an upbringing based on AUTHENTIC chassidish & Torah principles facilitated her to turn out this way.

Outgrowing a Mentor, an Advisor's Error, and Unpredictable Acts of God

Sometimes, things change.

It's very common to outgrow a therapist/mentor/rabbi/rebbetzin, etc.

You won't outgrow a gadol or a rebbetzin on the level of Rebbetzin Batsheva Kanievsky, of course.

But others? Yes.

For example, secular Jews who started out thinking their college campus rabbi or the modern Orthodox rabbi of their local shul were the tops later outgrew these people as their spiritual needs matured.

You can & should be grateful for what they gave you at the start.

But it's fine to outgrow them. This is not much spoken about, but it IS normal.

Sometimes a therapist or mentor gave you what you needed at the beginning, but simply lacked what you needed to grow even more, due to their own blind spots or deficiencies.

Again, it's good to be grateful & appreciative while going on to bigger and better things.

On the other hand, sometimes the mentoring relationship stops working due to the one being mentored or counseled.

That person either refuses to grow at all or to grow beyond a certain point.

Sometimes, the counselor/therapist/rabbi/rebbetzin/advisor/mentor/friend honestly believed they could help, then realized only part way through their error.

(The person turning to them for help often experiences this error as a painful rejection, but it is an honest mistake. Hopefully, the advisor eases out as nicely as possible—meaning, without trashing the person.)

Other times, the advisor experiences a life-changing event or struggle (death of a loved one, a natural disaster, a financial upheaval, divorce, injury, trauma, burnout, etc) that prevents them from being able to give what they normally could.

These are legitimate difficulties, and though painful & upsetting for the client, it's not anyone's fault and the limitations (including termination) should be respected.

It's nearly always Hashem's way of guiding the person to a better shaliach (including turning to Hashem alone) along their individual path.

3 Factors Necessary for Effective Therapy/Counseling/Mentoring

So here is it again, in the updated version...

In order for any kind of therapy, counseling, advice, etc., to be genuinely effective (NOT just a "feel-good" effect, but actual improvement), the following 3 factors must exist:

The client's own ratzon to do the work necessary to improve.
The therapist making halacha & Torah-oriented approaches a priority.
The therapist must like the client.

Sephardi Charedi-Lite (Patuach) Teens Getting Married: How It Started and Why It's Not Only Gaining Popularity, But Also Working Well

2/8/2022

Over the past couple of years, a new trend developed among young charedi (or to be more exact, charedi-lite) Sephardim: teen marriage.

Teen marriage isn't such a big deal in the charedi world and most Chassidish groups marry off both girls and boys between the ages of 18-20—occasionally, a girl might be even younger.

(Teen marriage in the Western non-Jewish world is considered one of the most destructive & dumbest acts a person can do. But the factors making teen marriage so difficult to succeed among modernized non-Jews are either not present or much less among frum Jews.)

Furthermore, a lot of American Chalabim (Syrian) Jews traditionally married off their daughters right after high school, and the boys a couple of years later after they learned the family business. (Don't know if this is still true, but it was true at one point.)

Despite all this, Litvish Ashkenazim and a lot of Sephardim in the charedi world wait until their early twenties. This gives the girls time to earn a degree to support a kollel husband & both extra time to mature emotionally.

Some of the greatest rabbanim recommended the early twenties rather than the late teens.

But all the sudden, tons of teen marriages started occurring among the more "open" charedi Sephardim here.

Many were 18-19, with sometimes both the boy and the girl married at 18. In one case, a 17-year-old girl married a 19-year-old boy.

More recently, a 17-year-old boy proposed to an 18-year-old girl a week before his 18th birthday.

Intrigued, I decided to learn more.

What are the Common Factor in This New Trend?

What do all these couples have in common?

Nearly all of them are charedi-lite or what's now called patuach (open)...but NOT off-the-derech (nor do they want to be).

They own cell phones (some filtered, some not) and dress modern.

Nearly all the boys either did not continue to yeshivah gedolah (post-high school yeshivah) or they did, but did not stay for more than a year or two.

Instead, they headed straight into full-time employment.

And while they push the boundaries with their clothing styles, associating with the opposite gender, Internet usage, etc., no one seems to want to stop being frum or even leave the charedi community.

They're not going to the army either.

In fact, these young couples even choose to continue living in the same charedi community in which they grew up.

So I think it's interesting that they feel friendly toward their upbringing and community (even if they sometimes had negative experiences).

They're not hostile or bitter toward their communities or parents.

They want to stay within the charedi framework and send their children to charedi schools.

But they want to do it on their terms.

The vast majority did not meet on shidduchim; they met at work or at a friend's house or on the street.

Along with their more open tendencies (with which I don't agree, but nonetheless admire them for wanting to remain within the basic framework)

One exception to that went like this:

The parents of a 17-year-old boy divorced & both married other people within a few months.

One of the youngest in his family, most of his siblings were married in homes of their own.

He dormed in yeshivah, coming home only twice a month, but no longer felt he had a home to come home to.

Though his step-parents were nice to him, he understandably no longer experienced the same feeling of being at "home" that he felt when his parents were still married to each other.

Because there was no remedy to this problem, he didn't feel comfortable confiding in either of his parents.

After all, there was no way to switch the situation back, plus both his parents and step-parents were being nice and doing what they could to make him feel comfortable.

But tachlis, once you have parents focused on a new marriage in a new home, with a new authority figure around, plus step-siblings, it's just no longer as comfortable as before.

So he came home from yeshivah, but never felt "at home."

Parents can try and make this work as much as possible, but his feelings are completely normal and understandable.

So he began confiding in a big-brother figure at his shul. This big-brother figure was close to thirty & married with children.

He understood and felt for the young bachur.

After listening and empathizing for a few months, the big-brother figure said something like, "Listen, I don't see any way in this situation to get back that feeling of being home. In fact, I see only one solution for you. How do you feel about getting married and creating a home of your own that way?"

The boy was open to the idea.

So the big-brother figure continued, "Great. Because my wife's best friend has a younger sister who we think would be a good match for you."

The teenagers met and it indeed ended up being a match. They married at 18 and are very happy together.

Covid regulations had a significant impact on creating this phenomenon.

As mentioned above, many couples met in non-traditional ways.

It started before covid, but the erratic covid lockdowns put this trend on steroids.

Covid regulations caused the following:

Educational institutions closed or on unpredicatable schedules
Bus lines operated erratically (meaning, a yeshivah student could wait 90 minutes for a bus meant to come every 15 minutes, and when it finally arrived, the bus wouldn't even stop because it was full)
Israeli apartments are too small to confine a large family (or even a small family!) comfortably for extended periods of time

So many frum youth ended up gathering together on the streets, the parks, or wherever.

This led to boy-girl mingling.

In another case, an 18-year-old yeshivah bachur traveled far outside his hometown to get to yeshivah. But with the above-mentioned issues, he often found himself hanging out at a friend's home near the yeshivah.

(Again, he did this because the yeshivah would suddenly close then re-open or because the buses weren't operating in a normal way. So he needed somewhere to go in the meantime.)

And that friend had a 16-year-old sister.

And that 16-year-old sister had a friend who liked to come over and hang out at their apartment.

And the friend of the brother noticed the friend of the sister and found her very appealing.

Anyway, after his parents found out about their relationship, his father said, "Having a girl friend isn't healthy. Either break up or get married."

And they did. By the time the wedding came about, she was 17 and he was 19.

That happened frequently, BTW. The parents discovered the relationship and didn't oppose it outright; they understood. But commonly, the parents told the couple what the father said above.

And these are frum youth. They understood exactly what their parents meant.

The boys and girls tend to be fairly clean-cut and responsible.

The boys all hold down jobs.

(And it's much easier to live in Eretz Yisrael on a lower salary than it is in the USA.)

Some boys were doing phenomenally well from a young age. For example, the boy from the above example was managing an optometry store from age 18.

Another made money hand-over-fist as an excellent barber.

Another worked as a tailor since he was 15. He started off doing excellent work for friends in yeshivah, then he found steady part-time work tailoring in a mens clothing factory while learning part-time. (He and his wife were 18 when they married.)

And so on.

Some of the boys smoked, but none of them were doing drugs or drinking (either not at all or only sporadically). The girl they married ended up being the only girl they'd ever met or dated. (In other words, they hadn't been seeking out girls prior to that.) They hadn't gotten in trouble with the police. They weren't getting rowdy or openly rebellious when they hung out together.

The girls too had finished school and were working or completed a degree or in the middle of completing a degree.

If you saw any of them, you'd think they were modern and patuach and somewhat week spiritually.

But no one is looking to reject frumkeit outright.

And while they own Internet-connected cell phones (which is admittedly a huge problem), they aren't looking to rebel or reject. They're not cynical. They don't sit around kvetching about all the defects in the charedi community, etc.

And yes, they've had negative experiences. (Haven't we all?)

But they don't allow those negative experiences to blackout all the positive they experienced.

They have rabbis, rebbetzins, teacher, and/or frum adult family members with whom they maintain a positive relationship.

They more or less get along with their families of origin, even if they don't like certain aspects of their families.

They seem happy, encourage marriage, and generally create a positive peer pressure to do it.

The boys seem content in their married lives (including those with children), which presents a positive example.

It makes marriage and establishing a home attractive.

In one case, one of the married youth at an engagement celebration turned to a good friend (who'd gone off the derech and was shacking up with a girl) and said, "B'ezrat Hashem, we'll be dancing at YOUR irusin and wedding this year!"

In other words, they're very confident in their decision to live life right.

And they're not afraid to say it, including to the off-the-derech youth who often get offended and upset when people press them to do anything frum.

Being confident, strong, capable, and responsible are positive masculine qualities.

And seeing these young married men with such manly qualities presents a very compelling example for other boys.

They're good at relationships.

As mentioned above, these youths tend to get along with their families of origin, even when they're not the best.

They also proved themselves able to make friends and keep them.

They're good-hearted, loyal, and giving...the very qualities people need for marriage.

In other words, they come into marriage with the skills and experience of how to make relationships work.

They want to establish their own Jewish home.

These couples don't just want to shack up together.

Despite their young age, they have solid ideas on what it takes to make relationships and a home

Especially with the girls, the girls REALLY seek to make a home and marriage according to their ideals.

They're very idealistic.

And the boys are too, depending. (Usually, boys aren't as idealistic as girls regarding parenthood and marriage.)

But they all expect to work for their relationship, work for their parnasa, and work at raising their children.

And while they may get along with their families of origin, it's true that most seem to be seeking a way to create the home they would have preferred, but their own parents weren't able to give them.

And I see this as a good thing.

People want to better themselves and make course-corrections without throwing the baby out with the bath water.

Both the boys and the girls receive Torah hashkafah on marriage.

This means a lot more than just taharas mishpacha laws.

In fact, one rabbi in our area opened a weekly class for these young soon-to-be-married or just-got-married young men. He also teaches them privately before the wedding.

They like him a lot & really listen to him.

They have support from their families.

Their parents accept their child's chatan or kallah, despite not having been found in the conventional way of shidduchim.

They pay for much of the wedding expenses and continue to provide financial and practical support in the way frum parents do for any married child.

In one case, this meant the teenage daughter-in-law moving in with her parents-in-law when her second pregnancy demanded bedrest and extra care.

Sweet Story

At a vort for one of these teen engagements, an 18-and-a-half-year-old friend of the chatan stood up to give a dvar Torah.

Married for all of 6 months so far, he spoke from the heart about how important it is to understand the different natures between men and women, and, referencing verse from Chazal, he darshaned that if only the husband does his best to understood, accept, and be mevater to his wife, then it builds both him and his shalom bayit.

Everyone loved it.

In fact, looking around, everyone felt amused by this teenager married for 6 months speaking like an experienced madrich chatanim...and we all felt impressed too by his sincerity and maturity.

Later, we all commented on how moved we were by his short by heartfelt drasha.

One person said, "It's because he spoke from the heart. 'Words from the heart enter the heart'."

Watching them, they seemed emotionally mature and very connected to each other. The young wife also dressed with exceptional tsniyut while still looking contemporary.

I found out later how well he supported her through an early miscarriage and she's pregnant again, but going strong this time, baruch Hashem.

Final Thoughts

It's impossible to foretell now how it will all pan out.

But I'm optimistic.

To date, I know of only one divorce among these young couples and it's because the girl suffers severe immaturity. She's sweet, but very immature due to extreme abuse suffered in her youth, combined with the influence of non-Jewish movies & social media, and the increasing social acceptability of divorce, etc.

The guy was and is such a good sweet person and everyone (including the girl's mother, siblings, BFFs, etc.) think she made a big mistake by pushing for the divorce.

(I think she's worse off for it too, as is their little daughter.)

But everyone else seems to be going strong.

Despite being brought up to disdain young marriage (and experienced disdain myself from secular relatives when I married at age 24—considered unusually young by modern American standards), I realized how good young marriage is for people and society.

Also, I noticed while still an extremely secular person in high school how malleable teenage girl are.

Meaning, they have this profound ability to completely absorb themselves into a relationship with absolute commitment & dedication.

Unfortunately, due to the mores of the surrounding liberal society, these girls wasted their dedication and faithfulness in non-marital relationships with teenage boys who weren't up to the task.

But channeled in a healthy way, I saw this ability as a very powerful thing.

I actually had a married friend in high school who'd gotten married the summer between 11th and 12th grade, and she clearly reaped the benefits of this decision, even though some of the teachers looked down on her for it. But she didn't care because she genuinely loved her husband and her life.

It's true that some aren't ready.

And though people for whom a young marriage did not work out will proclaim they were too young at the time, that's not usually the real factor.

It's not only because they were eighteen or nineteen, but because of their middot or their young spouse's middot, poor relationship skills, unrealistic expectations, unwillingness to do what it takes, overlooking abuse & addiction (something that even well-educated thirtysomethings do), lack of resources, interfering friends & relatives, lack of support, and so on.

But they'll usually claim, "Oh, it's because I was so young when I first married"—even though that's rarely the real reason.

And in today's world, with emotional immaturity and self-indulgence all the rage in Western culture, it's very hard to make marriage work at any age.

50% of American marriages end in divorce. In England, 42% end in divorce & decreasing, but divorce within the first year of marriage is increasing.

(How does that work? Well, England's Muslim population hovers around 7%. Muslims divorce less, so that's probably what's bringing the divorce rate down, plus other people get married less. Also, England hosts a large Indian population, which also divorces less than other Brits.)

But here, I'm seeing these very young couples starting off on the right foot. Some of them reached their twenties, have a few children, and are still going strong.

So that's an interesting sociological trend happening here.

B'ezrat Hashem, it will continue to be a good thing.

Some Torah hashkafah on the topic:

Hashem Wanted to Show Me My Big Blind Spot, So He Showed Me the Big Blind Spots of Others First

29/7/2022

Over the past several months, Hashem kept showing me people who felt trapped in circumstances in which they saw no alternative or escape — yet alternatives existed, only they weren't palatable.

Furthermore, all these people could've utilized those same alternatives years ago — and while challenging & painful then, those same alternatives demand much more pain & effort now.

But they do exist and always existed.

And I saw all different examples of this, whether relationships, health, location, work, and much more.

Hashem also showed me a couple of examples of people utilizing their alternatives early on, when it was a steep hill but not yet a craggy mountain.

But mostly I saw people dealing with hills that had turned into mountains over time — mountains that really needed to be climbed in order to solve their issues and go on to their next step in life...but seemed too formidable to be a realistic option.

It was only after the most recent (and most baffling) interaction that I realized Hashem wanted to send me a very important message.

Too Hot and Too Far...Huh?

I was chatting with a woman visiting family in Eretz Yisrael.

She spoke about her desire to move to Eretz Yisrael with her husband and children.

A lot of factors lay in her favor: her Hebrew was already pretty good for someone who didn't live in Eretz Yisrael, she had a degree & copious experience with a profession in tremendous demand in Eretz Yisrael (a job she also loved & excelled in), her husband was fluent in Hebrew and also had a transferrable job.

Their kids were still young and flexible, already knew some Hebrew, and they had family here—family they liked and got along with well.

And with their strong finances, they could pick their city of choice with a very comfortable home.

I mentioned a city here known for its thriving Anglo population, plus its schools and services catered to English-speakers, plus the Anglo community always impressed me as warm, welcoming, and supportive.

"The thing is," she said, "that city is really far from our family here."

"Really?" I said, puzzled.

You see, Israel is smaller than the state of New Jersey, so nothing seems THAT far...unless you're driving from Eilat in the South to Kiryat Shemoneh in the North, or something extreme like that.

"Yeah," she said. "That city you mentioned is a NINETY-MINUTE drive to our Israeli relatives. Ninety!"

I stared at her speechless for a moment.

She leaned forward and said, "We did it. It was a looooong drive."

"Yeah, uh, wow," I said. "Um, I guess I'm just surprised to hear that because I always thought that in America, really long commutes to work and school are the norm. I guess I didn't think about a 90-minute drive to spend Shabbos somewhere as...long."

So she explained that where she lived, their commutes were pretty short. Even their shul was just down the street.

"Okay," I said pleasantly. Then, knowing she only saw her Israeli family every 5 years or so, I added in a good-humored way, "That's still better than a 15-hour flight, right? Ha, ha, ha..."

"Yeah, that's what everyone tells me," she admitted. "And it's true...but still."

I gave her an understanding nod and suggested, "There may be other suitable communities closer to your Israeli family."

She gave me a skeptical smile before continuing.

"Also, it's really HOT here," she added. "I don't know if I could handle it."

I stared at her, again lost for words.

What she said made no sense because she lived in one of the most unpleasantly hottest places in the USA.

How could Israel be considered unbearably hot to someone like her? It didn't make sense.

"Oh," I finally managed to say. "Um...I remember living where you live and I found going outdoors just unbearable...and that was in the winter."

"Oh," she said, laughing, "you're always in air-conditioning! You never really feel it."

I knew this was not true.

People in her area go to outdoor restaurants, use their backyards, go to the beach (which is still unbearably hot despite the ocean winds), and host outdoor parties.

However, she honestly perceived Israel as being "too hot" to live comfortably.

Furthermore, where she is from, people think they need to take a sweater with them when the temperature his 60F/15C.

In parts of America, Canada, and Great Britain, everyone heads to the beach at that same temperature.

Yet people come in droves from those areas to live in Eretz Yisrael.

Furthermore, I even knew a person from Norway who happily lived in hot 'n' humid Tel Aviv.

So altogether, the above reasons made no sense (especially since solutions to these issues exist).

Even given the difference between different kinds of heat (i.e., a person used to humid heat often finds dry heat difficult, and vice-versa), but Israel hosts popular cities in both kinds of heat (eg., Tel Aviv and Bnei Brak are humid; Jerusalem is dry; Beit Shemesh in in-between).

Was she lying?

No.

Other than this, she proved herself to be a refreshingly honest & straightforward person throughout our time together.

So what was going on?

Our unconscious mind often brings "fake" or minor issues to the forefront, convincing us these are our real issues & reasons...while the true issues remain tucked away underneath.

So what I think she really meant is that while she feels she should come to live in Eretz Yisrael, her Diaspora life is so comfortable and fulfilling, she doesn't want to leave it.

And I understand that. Really, it's so understandable.

FYI Note: I was not pressuring her to make aliyah. SHE brought it up, not me. Also, who knows if she's really even Jewish? So I'm talking about her ideals and her reasoning, not mine.

It would have been easier to make aliyah at the beginning of her marriage.

So here was this extremely likeable, intelligent, and positive person offering insensible reasons for not fulfilling a beneficial ideal.

In other words, she could do it. It would probably be better for them if they did. (Again, I don't know all their ins-and-outs, but it looked like it would be a good move.)

But it seemed too big. It demanded too much sacrifice. The transition period would likely be long and grueling...though worth it in the end.

And therein lay the lesson for me.

It's Significantly Harder Now, But Still Possible

Let's say a person was somewhat overweight in their younger years.

A decent gym stood nearby, as did good paths for power-walking in the abundant good weather.

Combined with a healthy diet, this person could have lost the necessary weight within a short amount of time.

But the person only made brief stabs at losing weight without ever confronting or dealing deeply with the issues behind the overeating.

At 50, she finds herself vastly more overweight with fat that's not easy to lose at her age.

Because of both age and the sheer amount of pounds necessary to shed, a weight-loss program will be much more grueling and take a long time.

However, though much easier when younger, it IS still possible to lose the copious weight and to do so at her age.

The alternative, though significantly more formidable, always existed and STILL exists.

It's still possible.

Much harder? Yes.

But still possible.

Yet Again: It's Not about Their Issues, But My Own

So I was running across all these different kinds of situation with this same theme running through them:

Alternatives & solutions to their problems existed, but because they never pushed themselves to take full advantage, those same alternatives proved much more formidable and grueling as time passed.

Over time, their steep hill turned into a craggy mountain.

The alternatives now demanded much more determination, courage, sacrifice, and a much longer and more grueling transition period.

And I knew Hashem wanted me to look in my own life for those hard alternatives that seemed closed, but are really open...just a LOT more demanding and formidable than they would've been had I utilized them years ago.

And I found some.

And I'm still wrestling with exactly how to deal with them.

But at least I got the message.

That's better than nothing.

You're My Inspiration

Initially, this post could've been written completely differently.

It could've been a superior self-righteous post (or a contemplative lecturing post) about the oh-so pathetic state of the world and how OTHER people (not moi, of course—sarc!) are SO messed up.

And how "people" are soooooo in denial and need to get in touch with THEMselves, and develop more self-awareness...blah, blah, blah. (As if I am not a "people" myself, but something more superior, ha-ha.)

I could rant about how people make excuses rather than getting down to business and doing the hard work.

And that would be missing the point.

Hashem was not showing me all this to increase my feelings of superiority or enable me to take pride in the powers of observation, or to turn it all into a lecture on the faults of others.

He wanted me to know about my own hill-turned-mountain.

Or, rather, hills-turned-mountains.

(Yep. There's more than one...gulp! Wish me luck...)

Some Cold, Hard Facts to Push against the Popular Yet False Narrative Promoted in the Mainstream Media (which unfortunately influenced the frum media too)

27/7/2022

28/7/2022: This post has been updated with added links and other minor additions.

Any frum publication (whether online or print, a professional publication or an informal blog) is daas baalei batim.

That needs to be made clear.

Yes, most of the editors and writers seem to be sincere people. (I've met quite a few of them.)

And yes, some of them earned rabbinical ordination, which indicates a certain amount of scholarship under their belt.

But they are not daas Torah.

Sometimes, they communicate daas Torah (hopefully, they do so accurately). But they themselves are NOT daas Torah.

With the best of intentions, they are daas baalei batim.

And because they are all in all, daas baalei batim, they are subject to the same bias, blind spots, and good yet misguided intentions as all of us.

In other words, their opinions should not carry the same weight as those of truly knowledgeable and great rabbanim.

Why Davka Go Pro-Ukraine? Why Not be Neutral? Or Why Not be Anti-Both?

One of the more disturbing trends among frum media (whether a professional website, newspaper, or magazine) is the anti-Russian, pro-Ukrainian stance adopted by many.

I'm not referring to our wonderful Ukrainian Jewish brethren.

I mean the average Ukrainian.

I mean Ukrainian society.

And frum media adapted that pro-stance with bewildering fervor.

It's like this:

If a frum Jew feels anti-Russia sentiment...well, okay. There's the whole history of Communist rabid religious persecution. And while Putin deals fairly with the Russian Jewish community now, he's no tzaddik.

I get the anti-Russia sentiment.

But this fervently sympathetic pro-Ukrainian stance?

It's simply mind-boggling.

There is NO basis for it.

As you'll see below, the Ukrainians aren't better off under a Ukrainian government.

It does not matter whether they are independent or not.

Neither a Russian government nor a Ukrainian government benefit the Ukrainian people.

It's all the same rubbish.

But because this Ukrainian-sympathetic stance so obviously derives from the mainstream media (which developed a sudden & cultish support for the Ukraine), it also concerns me that frum Jews allow themselves to be so strongly influence by the Leftist anti-religious anti-Torah anti-Israel mainstream media.

(Because on their own, a frum Jew never would've developed such a pro-Ukrainian POV. There is simply no logical support for such a position.)

Also, I've seen NOTHING from any Gedolei Hador supporting such a stance. The kol koreis I have seen simply call for a peaceful resolution for both sides & caring for Jewish refugees without taking sides.

(That's daas Torah. And it means something, guys.)

A Brief Look at the Views Promoted in the Media, Plus Real-Life Anecdotes

The Ukrainian history with Jews has mostly been horrifying — with some very beautiful exceptions embodied by extremely courageous & devoted righteous Ukrainian gentiles.

But I think events of decades ago (with the perpetrators are mostly dead by now) don't hold sway among people today who seem to believe the modern Ukraine is all sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns — with Russia as the only thing holding them back from being totally fabulous.

But it's simply not true.

As has been true for centuries, the Ukraine has problems innate to itself...

...which is why I find so puzzling the fervent sympathy for Ukraine & the insistence on seeing Ukrainians as so lovely.

(Yes, there are lovely Ukrainians. But we are now generalizing about their society.)

For example, one publication published the following description of the Ukraine:
"nice, normal, civilized"

WHO on earth ever describes the Ukraine that way????

When has the Ukraine EVER been nice or normal or civilized?

Note: I'd like to interrupt myself to say that if you realize what article I mean, then please know it was an excellent article other than that bizarre phrase — very educational about the modern history of the Ukraine.

Furthermore, just because a person's name appears on the byline of a piece doesn't mean they wrote every word.

Sometimes, an editor adds stuff without even informing the writer. I personally know of an instance when an editor did this, turning a concept into something the author did not even believe, yet was expressed under this author's name.

And yes, the author received an angry letter, but could not respond because the author agreed with the letter-writer, yet was not allowed to say where the blame really lay.

Also, even if the author really does believe it, it says something about the publication's stance that they allow such a view to be promoted within their publication.

So keep all that in mind...

Anyway...going back to the idea of modern-day Ukraine being "nice, normal, and civilized," (as if the Ukraine is actually Finland or Denmark in disguise!):

We've all known so many people of all stripes who went to Kiev and Uman over the past years.

And we all heard their impressions of the Ukraine.

No one ever came back remarking what a normal and civilized society it was.

In fact, we all know the Ukraine is a very corrupt country — and NOT just because of Russia.

For example, anyone who has visited the Ukraine will tell you a lot of Ukrainians working as drivers (truck drivers, taxi drivers, etc.) do so while under the influence of vodka.

Is Russia compelling Ukrainians to drive professionally while snockered?

Of course not! That has always been part of Ukrainian culture.

Furthermore, murder, terrible car accidents, and unjust arrests occur at a high rate, as we all know from both the media and anecdotes from our friends.

(You can read of my son's experience in Uman back in 2021 — including the ho-hum run-of-the-mill Ukrainian corruption — here: www.myrtlerising.com/blog/the-view-of-a-non-breslov-wife-mother-regarding-rosh-hashanah-in-uman...did Putin force that Ukrainian to be ignorant of Russian-language ATMs until the Ukrainian received 5 hryvni?)

On the other hand...yes, if you go to the mall in Kiev, you will feel like you're in any other cosmopolitan place in Europe.

But what goes on behind the scenes?

Let's look at the cold, hard objective numbers.

The Truth about the Ukraine BEFORE the War with Russia

IMPORTANT NOTE: These statistics were compiled before the present war.

Meaning, this is the NORM for the Ukraine BEFORE THIS WAR WITH RUSSIA.

(Boldface & underline my own additions.)

Ukraine is the POOREST country in Europe

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Economy_of_Ukraine

"...Ukraine remains the poorest country in Europe by nominal GDP per capita, which some journalists have attributed to high corruption."

There are 44 countries in Europe.
www.worldometers.info/geography/how-many-countries-in-europe/

Tellingly, even before the Russian invasion, the Ukraine was even poorer than fellow Soviet and formerly Communist-dominated countries like Belarus and Hungary, including the miserable Moldova (seriously; Moldova is one of the world's most unhappiest countries) and poorer than war-torn PTSD countries that still suffer ethnic strife and corruption, like Serbia, Croatia, and Bosnia.

And the report states outright the abysmal ranking derives from high corruption.

Should ranking as the poorest country in Europe due to "high corruption" be characterized as "nice" or "normal"?

BTW: If you're rank at the bottom of a list, you are not normal. Normal means "median," not "the worst."

And "high corruption" is neither "nice" nor "civilized."

The Ukraine also lies low on the WORLD corruption index

www.transparency.org/en/cpi/2021
Note the Ukraine sinks toward the bottom of the 180 countries: rank #122.

How civilized! And nice! And normal! [sarc]

The Ukraine ranks below other countries you may have considered extremely corrupt. Meaning, the Ukraine is considered MORE CORRUPT than Gambia, Sri Lanka, Sierra Leone (always a prime pop-up as a center of human rights abuses), Kazakhstan, Surinam, and many more.

If a country is considered MORE corrupt than Sierra Leone, Egypt, Serbia, Bosnia, and the Solomon Islands (where cannibalism can still be found among some inhabitants)—how can you call it "civilized" or "normal" with a straight face?

Furthermore, there's this:
https://www.transparency.org/en/gcb/europe-and-central-asia/europe-central-asia-2016:

Over half (53 per cent) said that their government is doing badly at fighting corruption, while less than a quarter (23 per cent) say that they are doing well.

The governments of Ukraine (86 per cent), Moldova (84 per cent), Bosnia and Herzegovina (82 per cent), and Spain (80 per cent) were judged worst by their citizens.

Bribery is a far too common experience for many households in the region.

On average, one in six households paid a bribe for access to public services. Although few households paid bribes when coming into contact with public services in EU member states, rates were significantly higher further east...the Kyrgyz Republic and Ukraine (38 per cent for each)...

The Ukraine also struggled with a serious human trafficking problem BEFORE the current fiasco with Russia:
https://reliefweb.int/report/ukraine/trafficking-persons

Even before Russia’s invasion, Ukraine was already facing an increase in the scale of human trafficking...The population is extremely vulnerable, an issue severely exacerbated by Russia’s invasion and the need for millions of people to leave their homes for safety in Ukraine and abroad.

As a woman and mother, the current photos of refugee shelters with masses of beds or sleeping bags together in the open made me sick.

I knew this meant wide-spread sxual abuse.

The Ukraine already faced a problem with this and with so many women and children lying out in the open and unprotected, this immediately signaled terrible abuse.

But the mass of frum political pundits did not see this for some reason.

You can blame Russia all you want, but the Ukrainian government handled things very badly.

And they handled things badly BEFORE too.

In fact, statistics labeled the Ukraine as one of the HIGHEST human traffiking countries in Europe (on par with Rumanian, Bulgaria, Moldova, and Russia):

Prior to Russia’s invasion in February 2022, the International Organization for Migration (IOM) Mission in Ukraine...estimated that more than 300,000 Ukrainians had suffered from human trafficking since 1991. An estimated 46,000 Ukrainians were trafficked during 2019-2021; 29,000 abroad and 17,000 in Ukraine.

Is this amount of human trafficking "nice" or "normal"?

Is it the sign of a civilized society?

I certainly hope not!

There's also this nifty heads-up to people considering living there BEFORE the Russian invasion:
www.expatarrivals.com/europe/ukraine/pros-and-cons-moving-ukraine

Ukraine is riddled with real-estate scams that go mostly unnoticed by the government...

Unfortunately, corruption is still commonplace. Police often hassle foreigners for a "small gift." Shady businesses operate with seemingly no repercussions. Getting anything done officially takes a lot of time, patience, and the occasional "extra fee" for officials.

While the healthcare situation in Ukraine has improved radically, some remnants of an inefficient past still remain, particularly in terms of bribery — in some cases bribes may be expected in order for patients to receive proper care.

Is that normal? How on earth is such a system "civilized"?

On the contrary, that all sounds really awful and Sodom-like to me.

Why are frum Jews supporting the Ukraine????

(Support Ukrainian Jews? YES!!! But why all the support & idealization of Ukrainian SOCIETY & Ukrainian independence?)

Guess Who's Name is "Mud"?

I already addressed the cult of Zelensky-luv here:

There's also Daniel Greenfield's article breaking down & analyzing Zelensky's manipulative & self-serving rhetoric:
https://gellerreport.com/2022/03/zelenskys-holocaust-denial-should-be-a-red-line-for-jews.html/

(Also, as for Zelensky lauding the anti-Torah Commie Gold Meir, please see Rav Avigdor Miller:
torasavigdor.org/rav-avigdor-miller-on-lashon-harah-about-golda-meir/)

Since then, I've seen photos claiming to be of Zelensky holding a swastika flag of a Ukrainian neo-Nazi group and at his child's baptism in a church.

Are these photoshopped? I cannot tell.

But he for sure turned his back on his heritage and married a non-Jewish woman.

And all his Holocaust drivel? Give me break. If you care so much about Jewish continuity, why didn't you at least marry a Jewish woman, you mumar?

Personally, I still find it unforgiveable that he demanded little war-torn Israel to take on massive nuclear-armed Russia.

What an egomaniacal psychopath.

That some frum Jews swoon over this egomaniacal mumar (and possible meshumad) with a deathwish for Am Yisrael in Eretz Yisrael?

Insane.

(And I'm being nice and giving the benefit of the doubt by calling such swooning "insane." It's actually much worse and more disturbing than that. How can they possibly not see something so obvious?)

How to Stop the Madness

Please know that emailing Jewish publications does help.

They DO listen.

Again, whether a writer meant what was written or not, the PUBLICATION decided to publish THIS point of view.

They are PUSHING this narrative of the Ukraine as a nice, normal, civilized, innocent victim full of rainbow glitter and unicorns — and only that "big bad" Russia is ruining things for them.

As shown above, it's all wrong, wrong, wrong.

(BTW, I do not support Russia or the Ukraine. Both governments are corrupt.)

Even one letter makes a difference, especially when supported by proven sources.

You can write to either the publication or the author (if a personal address is given).

(I've done this. They don't respond, but they do change their wording in future articles.)

Don't lambast or insult them or use tons of exclamation points.

Just say the facts with links. (You can use the links provided in this post.)

At the very least, know for yourself the facts.

Don't take sides among these backwards corrupt messed-up nations!

Here's some interesting food for thought on that part of the world from Rav Avigdor Miller:

Stated in 1980:
https://torasavigdor.org/rav-avigdor-miller-on-russia-trumps-america/

Stated in 1981:
https://torasavigdor.org/rav-avigdor-miller-on-lessons-from-russia/

Yes, specific circumstances changed, but the principles guiding us how to view situations remain the same.

The Disturbing Answer to What Americans Regret the Most (and the Least)...and How to Fix It

22/7/2022

In the American Regret Project survey of 16,000 people, which type of regret ended being experienced the least?

Foundation regret (i.e., “If only I’d worked harder, I’d have gotten the promotion;” “If only I’d go to bed on time, I’d wake up on time and have more energy throughout the day.”)
Boldness regret (i.e., “If only I’d been true to myself;” “If only I’d had the courage to open the business I always dreamed of.”)
Moral regret (i.e., “If only I hadn’t been so mean;” “If only I hadn’t lied/cheated/stolen.”)
Connection regret (“If only I’d stayed in touch with my old friend from high school;” “If only I’d spent more time with my grandparents.”)

Moral regret.

In fact, only 10% expressed regret for morally wrong actions.

This means people regretted not having worked for promotion, opening their dream business, staying in touch with a high school buddy MORE than they regretted having hurt someone or behaved unethically.

The reason for this isn’t clear, but looking at the society around us, we can see a sharp plummet in moral standards.

An imperfectly religious American society once prized Mishlei and Koheles for their wisdom, even going so far as to name their children after Torah virtues: Charity, Prudence, Modesty, and Patience for girls; and Truth and Reason for boys.

But the general secular society no longer appreciates what are now called “traditional values.”

Just as one example:

So many people see their own hurtful or irresponsible comments, behaviors, and tweets as cute or funny or clever.

Other times, they see their harmful behavior as justified: “Well, this makes me so mad, I just can’t hold back anymore!”

Or even laudatory: “I simply cannot let this pass without commenting on how [negative description] you are. People like you must not be allowed to spread your ignorance. And I’m not afraid to state my truth in a public forum!”

Other examples abound.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve heard or read someone discussing their poor treatment of others in the past, and dismissing it as “Well, I was really hurting too, so I was just looking to cover up my pain.”

Or, “Yeah, I did-this-and-such, but oh well. There’s nothing to do about it now. Might as well just go on…keep on working on those middos…”

Or, “It was funny at the time. We didn’t really realize it was a problem.”

In other words, years of hurting or exploiting others are dismissed as a response to feeling oneself victimized or confused by life—without ever feeling the pain of those hurt or exploited.

As long as you have what society considers a “good” reason (“I was a victim myself;” “I wasn’t aware of the effect of my actions on others”), then whatever you did isn’t considered so immoral.

So that’s one reason why people lack moral regrets: They start off with low standards of morality in the first place.

After all, if an act of theft isn’t considered stealing, then you’ll never regret having stolen something because to your mind, you didn’t steal.

But another reason people avoid moral regret is because it is SO PAINFUL.

Facing the "OUCH!" Factor of Moral Regret

The same survey listing moral regret as the least expressed also recorded moral regret as the most painful.

But most of us knew that already from our own experience with moral regret.

Judaism focuses on moral regret more than any other type.

After all, Vidui consists of confessing sins of betrayal, dishonest, cheating, treating others disrespectfully…and NOT “for the sin we transgressed before You by not opening our dream business/dating that dream girl/working more hours.”

Yet we live in a society which not only denigrates morality, but encourages us to avoid feeling moral regret.

What is the best way to address this?

We need to know that Hashem loves us so much when we feel that cringe-inducing pain of moral regret.

We also need to internalize how the pain of regret cleanses & atones for what we’ve done wrong.

The outcome of regret—apologizing & providing some kind of restitution—cleanses and atones for our sins against others.

And those are beautiful results.

Moral Regret MAKES You Moral!

The huge inner obstacle against feeling moral regret (and what makes it so painful) is what many call “toxic shame.”

So many people secretly believe their negative behaviors indicate their true self.

But Judaism says the opposite.

Your POSITIVE qualities indicate your TRUE SELF.

Your negative behaviors exist as mere klippos attached to an otherwise holy & pristine neshamah.

They aren’t the real you.

Let’s say someone reveals an unkind truth about someone they don’t like…and that someone enjoys speaking that lashon hara.

Such a person often resists admitting their act was lashon hara. Or they claim it was l’to’eles.

Subconsciously, they believe acknowledging how bad their act was indicates that they are secretly mean, sadistic, and catty at their core.

But it’s not true.

Even if their behavior was indeed mean, sadistic, and catty, those negative traits are in no way the essence of who they are.

Furthermore, we aren’t even responsible for our traits.

Hashem is responsible.

Whether He imbued us with those traits from birth or we developed them by the environment in which He planted us, He chose those traits for us.

So even if a person really is mean, sadistic, and catty, it doesn’t reflect on their intrinsic nature, but rather it reflects on the kind of inner work Hashem wishes them to carry out.

The more a person realizes her negative behaviors do not reflect on her real self, the more liberated she is to acknowledge the lesser traits and rise above them (or use them for good).

And the more a person realizes that regret, restitution, and atonement are so prized by Hashem and help us so much, the more a person will feel joy rather than shame at the process.

Mafia Wives Who Influenced Their Husbands to Leave the Mob: Who Succeeded, Who Didn't, and Why

21/7/2022

UPDATE: I apologize for the uncropped image initially appearing at the end of the post. In the sample photo, I only saw the sign, not the people in the background. So I had no idea I'd be posting a photo with inappropriately dressed people.

I don't really know why I suddenly felt compelled to write about this topic that has been going on for 3 posts already:

I hoping it's because someone somewhere really needs this information.

Anyway...

Back when I was feeling confused about this topic due to the way some sources were distorted out of context while other sources were omitted as if they never existed, I decided to research whether any evidence existed of wives making tzaddikim out of reshaim in the world at large.

I decided to look up mafia wives because mafia men are breaking laws at best and committing atrocities at worst, yet a lot of them are okay or even good at home.

A lot are also abusive, heavy drinkers, and unfaithful.

But either way, you have this mix of guys considered bad by society.

And it seemed like a good way to research the influence of wives on reshaim (even though, as Rav Avigdor Miller explained, the secular Leftists are much bigger reshaim & harm society more than the mafia).

It's not really the same because a frum Jewish wife believes in Torah values and belongs to a frum community with those same values.

But this mafia example was the best I could find at that time.

And Hashem led me to exactly the right study (which I never managed to find again, so this goes on memory and no sources, unfortunately).

Basically, the study observed 3 categories of mafia wives:

Passive wives who went along with their husbands whether she knew of his activities or not
Wives who influenced their husbands to leave the mafia
Wives who encouraged their husbands to make it super big in the mafia, and even took over for their husband in powerful positions when he was sick, incarcerated, or dead

As you can imagine the last two (especially the second one) intrigued me the most.

Who Left the Mafia under His Wife's Influence?

In #3, the wives were big reshaim and the husbands either were big reshaim too or small-to-mediocre reshaim, yet the wife propelled her husband on to powerful positions in the mafia.

It's not the same as the Talmudic scenario of the wicked wife who made her tzaddik husband wicked too, but it's the same idea.

Regarding #2, the study noted that all the men influenced to leave the mafia tended to be small-time participants.

They participated in minor ways & only when they were told to. In other words, half-hearted participation.

Born into mafia families, they lived the mafia life because of their upbringing.

However, they seemed to not to feel the life suited them.

So when their wives suggested alternatives, these husbands were open to hearing them.

Gradually, these men left their lives of petty crime and switched to standard jobs and lifestyles.

I can't remember exactly how the mafia responded to their secession from "the business," but I think it usually wasn't such a big deal because most of these guys were occasional bit players whose participation wouldn't be missed.

The mafia doesn't necessarily care if you get a regular job (though that might depend on the father's position within the mafia and his expectations for his sons).

They seem more concerned that you don't judge them or tattle on them.

At that time, it intrigued me to note how NONE of the wives managed to influence her husband AGAINST his will.

All the guys who left wanted to leave anyway.

The guys heavily invested or powerful in the mafia, or the bit players who simply didn't want to split—these guys never left.

It didn't matter what their wives wanted.

The husbands didn't want to leave, so they didn't.

And this observation shows similarity to the stories in this post:
The Truth about a Wife's Ability to Influence Her Husband Positively

No wife managed to influence her husband AGAINST his will.

Despite her wisdom, tact, patience, love, and efforts—and even her success in influencing him in other ways (ways he WANTED to go)—I never found any example of a wife who influenced her husband to become a tzaddik or kollel man or baal chessed or whatever unless HE secretly desired to go in that direction himself.

And I guess that's that.

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