The results of coronavirus contain both positives and some very distressing negatives.

This post addresses the consequences for both Jews (whether religious or not) and non-Jews.

First of all, it first achieved infamy in a place known for its violations of all 7 Mitzvot Bnei Noach.

As one example: Rabbanim in Eretz Yisrael actually forbade receiving organ transplants from China when they realized the likelihood of an innocent person (aka, political prisoner) being murdered to provide the new organ.

(This never became Israeli law, as far as I know, so only people who care about halacha listen. But still.)

And yes, some of the mitzvot violations in China are against the people's will, but not all.

For example, no one is forcing anyone to eat ever min hachai – yet some Chinese people do so happily with the approval of their surrounding society.

And while the Chinese government forced abortions on women about to violate their former one-child policy, no one forced Chinese women to abort their unborn females so that couples could have the son more desirable in Chinese culture. 

​(This has also given China the unnatural result of more males than females. Naturally, a society should have more females than males. China's ratio of males to females is the highest in the world: around 115 males for every 100 females. And yes, this is causing social problems.)

Furthermore, growing research shows that an increasing number of Chinese babies available for adoption are actually kidnapped from their families of origin. This is a particularly serious violation against the Noachide prohibition against stealing.

​And again, very few within Chinese society seem to care about this. Some do (and it's unfortunate that they're suffering along with everyone else), but most don't seem to.

And so on.

Secondly, many venues reflective of ancient Greek culture are now either banned or limited.

A very happy result of coronavirus is the increasing shut-down of ancient Greek cultural activities, the shut-down of the Olympics being most symbolic.

Increasingly, people can also no longer gather together to watch young men chase leather balls across a wide swathe of green or across a polished court (AKA soccer & American football & basketball).

People can no longer watch the licentious half-time shows performed by young women who have no respect for their own tzelem Elokim.

They no longer have an excuse to brawl and commit other senseless harmful acts in their great enthusiasm for watching guys in funny uniforms assault leather balls with their feet or bats.

​Music performances, especially those known for their degenerate lyrics & acts, accompanied by rampant drinking & drugging & violent or lewd behavior, are being cancelled one after the other. (Yay!)

Movie theaters are emptying out.

And bars & dance clubs? These are the scenes of so many crimes (and are, in fact, the main source of college girls being violated — though most liberals refuse to acknowledge this), in addition to drinking & drugging & licentious behavior — and now they're emptying out.

How many lives have been harmed by the whole bar-hopping culture?

​That's all coming to an end.

Certainly, if people have stored a supply of alcohol at home or know how to make their own, they can still act like drunken chimpanzees in their own home.

But bar brawls that spill out into the street & prowlers looking for female prey are coming to an end (at least temporarily).

And who knows? Maybe drug addicts & alcoholics will have no choice but to dry out during quarantine.

Also, I heard about one couple with a young child from which the husband walked out and went to live with his brother.

But when the lockdown started, the husband decided he preferred to be with his child and decided to do his best to get along with his wife.

And so he moved back home.

​​Our enemies in Iran are being decimated.

Interestingly, it seems to have hit the leaders first. During the Obama administration, the Iranian people themselves tried to change their government. Also, Iranian Jews repeatedly claim that your average Iranian does not suffer from Jew-hatred & are actually pretty nice in general.

The desire to destroy the Jews of Eretz Yisrael lies with the leaders of Iran, not the average citizen – and that's exactly who got hit first.

Furthermore, with Iranian leaders consumed with the virus now among their general population, they can no longer afford to focus on destroying Israel or funding terrorist groups.​

​Having said that, I'm still sorry for the suffering of those who wish to live moral & peaceful lives.

I still think Italy's high death rate (around 10%) is because the hospitals are making unethical selections, as per Rav Moshe Heinemann's Q&A session, in which (using well-known examples from the Gemara) he states that you cannot turn away a patient simply based on age. 

Italian hospitals have been turning away people over 60 – just because they're not 59. Or 22.

If a person reaches the point where he or she needs hospital treatment (whether a respirator or a vitamin C infusion or other effective treatments unable to be performed at home), and that person is turned away...well, that naturally increases the chance the person will die.

And by behaving with such a lack of integrity, a nation sours the din against themselves even further, which also increases illness & fatalities.

Italy is also the birthplace of Rome.

Chocolate, wine, opera, fashion, a powerful mafia, and unholy religious practices had and still have their root in Italy. 

There's nothing innately wrong with chocolate or wine, of course. By their focused excellence in these areas, it becomes a symbol of indulgence (rather than a criticism of the actual food itself).

​Also, while opera is considered a classy activity, have you ever read the opera storylines? They're silly at best & immoral at worst, as are some of the costumes.

And all these activities have drawn to a halt. (Well, mostly anyway.)

And now this center of Rome is singing self-aggrandizing songs (patriotic or sports anthems) from their porches to keep their spirits up while their hospitals turn away desperate people simply due to their lack of youth.

It's all rather Edomite, if you think about it.

I'm sorry for the innocent there who are suffering along with the self-indulgent. 

Countries must be more independent now.

The current situation forces them to enforce their borders.

Even within a country, they are enclosing cities and states.

In America, despite its lack of physical boundaries around each individual state, some states (like Florida) are enforcing its boundaries by placing checkpoints at all incoming roads and the airport.

Because most of Florida is surrounded by ocean, it only has states on its northern boundary. States surrounded by other states (like Wyoming, which has 6 states along its boundaries) will have a harder time doing this.

We learn in Parshat Noach that Hashem does not approve of mass unification.

Along with the plain text of the Torah regarding Migdal Bavel (the Tower of Babel), the commentaries are quite clear on this point.  

You can see the Kli Yakar detail all the problems with mass unification in The Kli Yakar on Parshat Noach, in which he explains the despite the nations' proclamations of peace as their objective for mass unification...in reality, mass unification leads to more war.

Remember, prior to World War I, Europe was led by monarchies who were related to each other – some several times over.

For example, Kaiser Willhelm II of Prussia & Germany was a first cousin to the British King George V of England; both were the grandsons of England's Queen Victoria. The monarchies of Sweden, Norway, and Denmark intermarried with each other and siblings ruled bordering countries.

The Queen of Greece had a royal British mother (Princess Victoria) and a royal German father (Frederick III).

Queen Marie of Romania was the daughter of a Russian princess and a British prince.

Even today, European royalty consists of second- and third-cousins.

​Yet all those marriages and intertwining sibling & cousins did not prevent WWI.

The only time unification leads to peace is when it consists of tzaddikim.

When Hashem disperses people, it's for their own good.

Likewise, you can peruse An English Translation of the Malbim on Parshat Noach to see that Malbim makes the same points as the Kli Yakar.

Most of the leaders of different countries (maybe all) are not good people. They operate out of self-aggrandizement and the desire to perpetuate anti-God ideas throughout society – just like Dor Haflagah.

All their ideas for mass unification and being "one big happy family!" and creating "a global village" actually lead to destruction, as detailed by the Torah commentaries.

Via coronavirus, Hashem has put a stop to this.

If you think about it, it could easily be that the number deaths from coronavirus is actually less than deaths resulting from mass unification, and this is Hashem's Chessed, even though it doesn't look like a chessed on the surface.

​But it is.

Despite the obvious fairness of the din and the positive results from the lockdowns, there is also a painful & difficult side to the whole situation.

And that shouldn't be ignored.

And while I haven't written so much about my personal experiences within one of the most intense lockdowns in the world (Eretz Yisrael), there are definitely very challenging aspects to it, believe me.

I've had my moments in which I feel seized with fear. Baruch Hashem, they've been moments and not entire days.

And there are other challenges too.

And I also know that people who live alone, or who live in cramped conditions within a large family, people who live with at least one difficult family member who refuses to try to get along and behaves even worse due to the situation, people with existing health problems, people who were dependent on cleaning help, people who naturally possess bundles of energy and are now confined to their apartment, people who find it exceptionally difficult to endure the current grocery-shopping challenge (waiting outside for a long time while maintaining the proper distance from other shoppers) only to enter and discover there are no eggs or pasta or band-aids left, people who need a constant supply of essentials like diapers & baby formula, people who've lost a family member & cannot receive the support they desperately need right now, and all sorts of other situations...

...so by focusing on the positive outcomes of coronavirus, I certainly do not mean to tromp all over the very real suffering of people.

It's just that we should realize that this pandemic and its bizarre consequences did not come for no reason.

For example, it's good that all the stupid sports events that lead to pritzus & violence & animalistic behavior have been nullified.

Some couples with poor shalom bayit have actually been treating each other better & helping each other more because they can't afford NOT to get along in the current lockdown. Also, there's more appreciation because of actually being at home & seeing what the other spouse actually does. (The ones I've heard from aren't saying that things are perfect — they still have their snapping-turtle moments — but there has been overall improvement.) 

Another benefit is that people who (consciously or unconsciously) built their self-worth on tremulous values (such as the ability to run a pristine home or produce amazing meals or excel in their career or sculpture themselves with gym workouts, etc.) are finding themselves trapped in limiting circumstances that are forcing them to redefine themselves.

In other words, people who (consciously or not) defined and/or esteemed themselves by their outside activities are now having to adjust themselves to their home & immediate family.

​This is ultimately a good thing, but understandably very difficult & even painful in the beginning.

Another example: For some people, the sudden opportunity to run their own Seder for the first time this year is the chance they've been waiting for.

For others, it's an overwhelming duty rife with disappointment & stress.

So again, the obvious good & seeming bad run in parallel lines.

What's more, it's very distressing that people are sick & dying, and that the bereft cannot receive the support and comfort they need.

It's also very distressing that people whose livelihoods depend on outside activities (like musicians, caterers, store owners, store clerks, plumbers, electricians, house cleaners) or people whose livelihoods depend on people coming to their home (ganenets, in-home daycare, health & cosmetic practitioners, in-home sellers, etc.) can no longer earn a livelihood.

​VERY distressing. (That's somewhat our personal situation right now too, BTW.)

Yet even when we can't physically help people, praying for them helps tons.

By seeing the results of coronavirus pandemic (especially the positive results), we get a better idea of what Hashem wants from us (both Jews whether religious or not & non-Jews) – ideas we can take with us for the long term.

• He wants us to get along better – especially being nicer to those with whom we make our home.

 

• He want us to enjoy all aspects of life, including chagim & simchas, just for themselves without feeling that extra extravagance is vital. (It might be more fun and more attractive, but we can still be perfectly happy without ice sculptures or crazy music or a limo, and so on.)

 

• He wants us to become more inner-focused.​

 

• He wants us to focus on ridding ourselves of actual chametz (and all the spiritual meaning that implies) rather than the non-essential spring-cleaning aspects (which, again, add a nice feeling for Leil HaSeder, but are not essential to Pesach).

 

• He wants us to let go of our taavot. (I suppose I'm not the only one who bought lots of essentials without having the room or the money to stock up on cookies, candy, white flour, and chocolate?)

​

• He wants us to give up our addictions. (With increasing lockdowns, alcohol & drugs are much harder to come by, if not impossible. Online gambling is unfortunately available – though increasingly limited finances discourage it – but casinos are no longer an option. Other unmentionable vices are also unavailable.)

 

• He wants us to pay attention to how we pray.

 

• He wants us to be careful about our speech and what we do when we interact with others.

There's more messages from Him, but you probably have your own good ideas.

Also, we probably all realize that in some ways, people might also behave increasingly worse, despite the obvious messages to behave better.

When isolated or cooped up in stressful environments, people also immerse themselves even more deeply in hi-tech outlets. (How many people are surfing, tweeting, texting, uploading "stories," playing video games, and watching videos even more than they were before?)

People are also sinking into less ideal behaviors, like drinking more, oversleeping more, smoking more, eating more, snarling more, fighting more, depression, paranoia, etc.

So yeah, again, there's the good and the bad together.

However, by conforming ourselves to Hashem's messages, we can avoid a worsening of the situation and hopefully halt the negative consequences in their tracks.

​​May Hashem eliminate coronavirus from our midst and grant all the cholim a complete & speedy refuah. May He also return us to our schools, yeshivot, and schools. May we experience true "simcha shel mitzvah." And may we always gather together for good reasons!

In Core of Corona: The Release of The “50th Gate of Impurity” Into Our World Today, Rav Itamar Schwartz states that after coronavirus, the world CANNOT go back to the way it was.

That would be worse, he says.

Instead, people must not return to all their immoral and/or superficial activities.

We all must dig down to make deep, lasting change.

Why?

Rav Schwartz says that, after such a pandemic with its resulting shortages & restrictions, would be worse if the world would go back to the way it was.

That kind of gave me the heebie-jeebies to hear, but here is why he is correct...

One of my non-Jewish family members (who is also not such a nice person) participated in a highly publicized celebratory marathon for women who'd survived a particular cancer.

I received the video clip in my email, and there they all were in their workout clothes and pink bow-pins, stretching and socializing around the race track, while some were being interviewed by the news.

They spoke about how proud they were of themselves to reach this point, and how great it was to meet others like them.

I know that this family member dealt with her illness by putting up a blog to record her experience, plus she took comfort in the fact that her oncologist was soooooooo good, and the treatment facility was sooooooo highly regarded, and that her in-laws (who lived nearby) were sooooo supportive, and that she was soooooooo determined to keep up a positive attitude.

​But the self-congratulatory marathon really bothered me and I wasn't sure why.

Perhaps I am a miserable sourpuss? A hater?

I asked a friend of mine why I felt the way I did, and she immediately said, "Because it's all about 'I did it! We did it!' rather than, 'God did it!' "

Bingo. That was it.

Throughout the entire illness and after, this family member basically praised herself for making the right decisions: She'd married into a helpful family (whom she actually hadn't liked too much, but was happy to use them when she needed them), and she (with help from others) picked out a good doctor and treatment center, and now she was going to maintain a positive attitude (with lots of support from family & friends) because that was the best way to assist in her own treatment.

Yay her!

​The thing is this:

• It was a kindness from God (in whom she kind of believed in the way many secular Americans do today) that her in-laws were willing to be so helpful.

 

• It was also a kindness from God that they were ABLE to be so helpful. As we all know, good will isn't enough. Sometimes illness, other pressing demands, or disability can interfere with even the most generous willingness.

 

• It was a kindness from God that she had a good treatment center nearby and that the best doctor for her was available. (They don't always have to be.)

 

• It was also a Divine kindness that she was surrounded by such supportive family & friends. (Sadly, some cancer patients find themselves very much on their own).

And finally, it was a major kindness from God that the treatment actually WORKED. (It doesn't have to...even when the person maintains a positive attitude.)  

Furthermore, this self-congratulatory marathon was so Greek in its fundamental essence.

It was a celebration of the human body, not the human soul or even the human heart.

Look! We're all so healthy and strong now – we can run fast & far!

As if that's the main goal of living: superior physical health.

And again, it was all about how THEY did it.

THEY overcame cancer.

THEY are the Great Victors!

​Yay THEM!

And really, this family member came away from the whole experience taking pride in herself (when she was not exactly a humble person to begin with) and her own abilities.

Of course, she speaks properly about it.

Today, Americans are very into saying that they feel "very grateful" or "very lucky" or "very fortunate" or "very blessed" without ever mentioning WHO blessed them or from WHOM their wonderful luck or good fortune came.

The truth is that such good fortune serves to imbue people with feelings of fake superiority.

They feel very good about "their" accomplishment.

They say they feel grateful, but as long as there is no address for that gratitude, then it's an empty expression only meant to cover up the intense self-satisfaction & pride they really feel.

The other big change for many of these "victors" is a stronger commitment to healthy eating – while the more intense ones also commit to staying away from generic cleaners & laundry detergent.

And sure, it's good to care properly for the body in which Hashem houses your soul.

Healthy eating is a mitzvah. (Not obsessively healthy eating, but doing the basics and not indulging in food taavot.)

​But what about food & cleansing for the soul?

The truth is that around the world, people are just waiting either for the virus to burn itself out or for a vaccine.

And if the quarantines lifted right now, people around the world would come out feeling self-congratulatory:

We made it! We did it! We displayed such intelligence & resourcefulness to have bought enough supplies to keep us going! We succeeded in working from home while schooling the kids via Skype! We ingested lots of vitamin C! We put our faith in masks & gloves, and they protected us! Yay us!!!

This is why it's very, very important to do teshuvah right now.

Baruch Hashem, for the Jewish community, it seems like the people who decided to start keeping Shabbat during that forced government-enforced Shabbat in Eretz Yisrael will continue to do so.

But, as per the examples Rav Schwartz mentions, will people who made due with (and thoroughly enjoyed) the scaled-down weddings simply say, "Well, now we can go back to those exorbitantly expensive extravaganzas!"?

Will people say, "Baruch Hashem, we can return to spending Pesach on a cruise ship again"?

If so, then the whole point of this nisayon has been defeated.

Fortunately, I think that at this point, there are many people taking lessons to heart:

Keeping Shabbat, seeing how to live a scaled-down lifestyle, the time spent with the children, the extra & intensified davening, the inner scrutiny necessary for real change, new & lasting kabbalot, the extra middot-work necessary for a marriage or any other familial relationship packed together in a lockdown — it seems like long-term positive changes have already occurred.

And I really, really hope that's enough to sweeten this increasingly oppressive din.

May Hashem eliminate coronavirus from our midst and grant all the cholim a complete & speedy refuah. May He also return us to our schools, yeshivot, and schools. May we always gather together for good reasons.

To follow on the heels of the previous post regarding whether coronavirus could be the "king" with the decrees as harsh as Haman to force Jews to do teshuvah:

I just heard about someone who needed to leave his city to buy fruits & vegetables because it in a nearby city, produce is cheaper and also one spends less time waiting outside in socially distanced lines.

The buses only run once every hour.

What he didn't know before setting out was that the buses are only allowed to hold 20 passengers rather than their normal capacity of twice that amount.

This means that the buses fill up within the first few stops anyone waiting at later stops gets passed by...to wait another hour, hoping that bus won't also be too full to take them.

So when, after waiting 20 minutes, the bus sped by without stopping, he realized he needed a better solution to get home. 

So he went bus-hopping within the city until he arrived at the first bus stop, where he was one of the first to get on, and made it home.

The thing is, normally, this type of severe inconvenience would drive a person crazy. Talk about agitation!

However, because there is no one to rant against, the person only spoke about the great Heavenly Assistance he experienced and the gratitude he felt for being able to get home without waiting for hours (and possibly missing the last bus at 8 PM).

Yes, these are government-imposed restrictions.

And at first, some people (me included) were disdainful as to whether these were really necessary. (After all, we don't do this with the flu, chicken pox, or even the measles outbreaks, and these all have specific death rates. But people mostly aren't concerned as they are about coronavirus, a disease from which most people experience only minor symptoms and also recover.)

But with the Gadolim upholding the quarantine restrictions and seeing that even if the coronavirus is "only" around as fatal as the flu (and to the same vulnerable groups as the flu) – and we don't even consider lockdowns in response to the flu – its rate of contagion makes that percentage affect a large group of people.

(Also, in Italy, it seems the death rate is closer to 10% rather than the 3.4% estimated by WHO, although my suspicions are that by rejecting patients based purely on age, the Italians are increasing the death rate, both as a natural outcome and also as an immoral act, which reduces Heavenly Mercy. Rav Moshe Heinemann says that, halachically, you should not only treat patients under the age of 65; it's first come, first served – according to halacha [13 minutes-38 seconds]; after clicking to enter the webinar, you may need to click the side-arrows to arrive at his specific lecture.)

Anyway, this all means that many people are acquiescing to the state of things because there is nothing to rant against.

There is nobody to blame. (No clear blame, anyway. There are theories to its development, but nothing proven yet.)

We can't organize protests, armed partisan groups, hold demonstrations, write heated editorials, stealthily disobey, rebel, or anything else against King Corona closing our yeshivahs, schools, and shuls.

We can't ruminate over how our political choices caused King Corona to interfere with our daily life, our consumerism, or our egg intake. (There is an egg shortage in Eretz Yisrael right now.)

King Corona has limited our celebrations, interfered with the comfort of mourners in shivas, and isolated mothers who've already suffered so much. (Please see this photo of Miriam Peretz's Shabbat table – photographed before Shabbat. Miriam is the widowed mother of 6 children, 2 of whom were killed in IDF service. The rest are married with children. She has all this family, yet King Corona decreed she spend this past Shabbat alone. As usual, she looked on the bright side of things and used that Shabbat to connect more deeply to Hashem and to what Shabbat really means for a Jew.)

And now, King Corona is considering targeting the largest charedi cities with a total lockdown:
https://hamodia.com/2020/03/29/govt-official-bnei-brak-needs-closure/

Yet no one screams "Erev Rav!" or "Nazi!" or "Antisemite!"

There is no one to blame.

There is no one to fight.

And so it's bringing out a more spiritual response in people.

Gratitude. Prayer. Making do with less. Discovering the ability to fully enjoy a no-frills wedding held in a home or a backyard or a stairwell.

(Of course, this goes hand-in-hand with increased irritability, crying jags, moments of paralyzing fear about the future, all sorts of initially unpleasant adjustments, and the like. As mentioned in the previous post, the positive & negative are growing stronger in parallel paths.)

I think this aspect, plus other aspects of this pandemic (its mysterious and sudden development; its questionable conference of immunity, etc.) can bring out a more spiritual response that leads to teshuvah in a way that a Hamanite human king hasn't since the days of Shushan.

There simply isn't any other choice.

May Hashem please disappear coronavirus from our midst as quickly as it appeared, and bring the Geula in a sweet way with revealed good.

Hidabroot uploaded a 5:51-minute video of Rav Zamir Cohen speaking about some insights into this coronavirus episode.

I'm sorry the video is only in Hebrew, but there are Hebrew subtitles also if that helps (it helps me) and lots of really cool & illustrative images are interspersed throughout, if that helps too:

Rav Zamir Cohen Reassures & Encourages:
How Should We Deal with the Coronavirus? (Hebrew only) 

He makes lots of interesting points on the spiritual aspects behind this challenge, which also helps us understand what we can do to remedy the situation at its spiritual root.

​Here's a summary of the main points:

• Hashem placed Jupiter at the right size, distance, and gravitational pull to shelter Earth from being destroyed by meteors & comets (according to a popular theory of most astronomers).

• Hashem maintains just the right amount of oxygen throughout the world. Even when trees are cut down, the remaining trees produce more leaves to assist in maintaining the necessary oxygen in the world.

 

• Rather than attacking us, our enemies attack each other, which prevents us from being destroyed (as stated in Yeshayahu 19:2).

 

• No matter how many missiles are shot into the Jewish areas of Eretz Yisrael, Jews still feel pretty secure about it because we are used to being saved by the hundreds of miracles that have saved us until now. (Or those of little faith rely on the not-totally-effective Iron Dome.) People in places like Sederot get frayed nerves, of course, but even they feel pretty optimistic and are likely to talk about how Hashem protects them.

Following these points, Rav Zamir then states (at minute 2:14):

Yet lack of fear should NOT lead to a lack of responsibility, the rav immediately emphasizes.

A person must still observe the health protocols and also obey quarantine orders.

The rav states that health protocols and quarantines are hishtadlut and follow the Torah's directive to "guard your soul."

But aside from the recommended hishtadlut, Rav Zamir warns against submitting to fear & stress.

​We must strengthen our emunah & bitachon to know that we are under Hashem's intimate personal Supervision.

Things don't happen for no reason.

Events we perceive as bad should rouse us to engage in self-introspection, both personally and on a larger scale.

​That's exactly the reason Hashem sent us these events.

How do we do this?

Rav Zamir advises the following:

1. Look to see what caused the disaster.
2. Examine the results of the disaster.

Following these 2 steps regarding coronavirus leads us to...

The rav quotes Devarim 28:47:

Rashi says:

When you had access to everything, what did you do with it?

Did you exercise your free choice properly?

Rav Zamir notes several things that people indulged in or were lax about:
​

• Unkosher food
• Trips out of Eretz Yisrael (for those already living within Eretz Yisrael) that are not halachically mandated (Rambam, Laws of Kings & Wars, 5:9)
• Netilat yadayim upon rising from sleep, after using the facilities, before eating bread, before eating wet fruit & vegetables, etc.
• Parades & events that "aren't exactly in the spirit of Torah."
• Shomer negiah

The source of coronavirus possibly came from unkosher food (which is not unkosher for non-Jews, but being that it is a message for Am Yisrael and that there were also Jews who indulge in these foods, this is an important point & the message still stands).

Even if corona is a biological weapon that escaped (or was released), many have noted that having a "wet" market of live or raw animals for sale near the lab likely assisted in its spread.

Either way, people are being more careful about food because of corona.

People are also feeling forced to stock up on food — and not boiled bat or ever min hachai foods, but plain non-perishable foods like rice, flour, canned peas, and so on.

Everybody's washing their hands now.

Okay, it's not necessarily the halachic way, especially the alternating water-pouring done upon rising in the morning, but that's the whole point: You weren't careful about it or you didn't try to learn what you need to know about Jewish Law?

Now we're washing our hands all the time — even more than the halacha demands.​

Rav Zamir has such a refined way of expressing himself.

​We all know what events and parades he means.

In the current situation, NO ONE, no matter how liberal and degenerate, can organize a parade celebrating his or her degeneracy in Eretz Yisrael right now.

As for events...I still remember the Israeli response when one England's most famous performers came to give a concert in Israel.

His fans mobbed him with such enthusiasm that he immediately left Israel. (Good. He's not our type anyway.)

Halevai these same people would get so excited about seeing Rav Kanievsky (not mobbing him, but just feeling the same enthusiasm).

Another thing that pained me was the masses who showed up at Israeli soccer games. All that Jewish enthusiasm, singing, and unity — it couldn't be directed toward Torah?

Also, I've seen some weddings in which the bridal gown exposed way too much. Mixed dancing on the dance floor. Inappropriate entertainment, like dancers and stuff.

And even in some very frum weddings, the over-the-top extravagance (particularly when people really couldn't afford it but did it anyway) and the sometimes unrefined behavior and lax modesty — Hashem finally put His Foot down against it all.

In Israel right now, you could be the biggest billionaire, but you aren't having more than a wedding in your backyard with no more guests than your yard can hold — IF that. (Remember, the current protocol is to host no more than 10 people in one place.)

Not touching the opposite gender is a big challenge for many people.

You'd think that at least in the frum community, that wouldn't be a problem, but cultural courtesies can a pose a challenge.

Afraid to offend, even some strongly committed frum people struggle when faced with a proffered hand for a polite handshake.

Others who enjoy seeking out loopholes to make life more comfortable postulate that it's permitted in professional situations or in any situation so as not to offend people.

I know baalot teshuvah who found it very difficult to tell, say, their favorite uncle they could no longer hug him — especially if he and/or other family members would find this no-hugging stance very hurtful.

One asked a rav about this, declaring she simply could not NOT hug her beloved uncle.

After a thoughtful moment, the rav said something like, "In that case, I won't tell you not to" or "I won't tell you it's forbidden."

She enjoyed his answer as it clearly informed her of the actual halacha, but did not force her out of her comfort zone.

Yet because the rav still made it clear to her, she realized it was a behavior she needed to stop, and she did eventually.

It's very easy to understand her discomfort & stated inability to conform to halacha. (She's a wonderful person, by the way, and has been fully frum for years now.)

Yet at the same time, hugging a man who is not your husband is forbidden – full stop.

And because of coronavirus, many people in her situation can no longer hug their favorite uncle, no matter how much of a family custom it is and no matter how platonic she feels toward him.

All the more so, all sorts of other touching that is completely forbidden.

And now, anyone who found it impossible to refuse a proffered hand due to halacha now refuses a proffered hand due to corona.

Finally, Rav Zamir emphasizes that we shouldn't arrive at a situation in which we follow Torah dictates because we are forced to (like now), but we should do so out of:

• ahavat Hashem (love of Hashem)
• simcha b'Torah (joy in Torah)
• our certainty that keeping mitzvot is both good & correct
• our knowledge that this is what Hashem wants for us 

May we all succeed in doing true teshuvah from love.

A valued reader generously summed up a shiur (which I don't have the opportunity to access right now) on the present situation by Rav Avraham Schorr. 

(The recording is available here: 732-400-9003; press 1; then 1; then 41.)

Here are the main points:

• Saying Ketoret is very important.

(For more information on how to do that and Ketoret's profound meaning, please see Interesting Facts about the Ketoret Incense Prayer.)

• The rav expressed a lot of pain over the sway shmutzy technology holds over so many people.

He used this parable:

Let's say a person comes to a fork in the road with 2 options:

Road #1 has a lion.

Road #2 has a nisayon (a challenge).

Which road should the person take?

The road with the lion.

Why? Because there’s only danger to his body — his physical well-being.

But the path with the nisayon endangers his very soul.

That's not how most of us make our decisions, but this is the true priority.

Rav Schorr saw a similar example of this when he witnessed 2 people in the street who wouldn’t shake hands out of fear of the coronavirus...but they held smartphones in those same hands they refused to shake.

He said that, really, smartphones are so much more dangerous than coronavirus.
​

• Shamelessness has invaded the streets & unfortunately infiltrated the frum community to some extent.

Just like Torah is more severe with men than women (though women don't get a free ride either) regarding their taavot, it is likewise more severe with women regarding tsniyus (dressing & behaving with dignity), even though men also must adhere to tsniyus.

Rav Schorr emphasized the necessity of a husband talking to his wife about her tsniyus. It's not ahavat Yisrael to remain apathetic to how our loved ones dress in the street.

(I'm also going to add that the idea of a "trophy wife" is completely un-Jewish and any man who secretly enjoys showing off what he's got as far as his wife's material attributes are concerned is a bit of a sicko. But don't worry — this can be fixed! Anyone can heal his sicko aspects. Also, the Pele Yoetz speaks a lot about a man's responsibility to guide his household in the ways of Torah, and to do so PLEASANTLY. Men can speak to their wives with love, appreciation, and respect regarding her tsniyus. He can also buy her gifts and do other things to show her how much he appreciates her, which helps her appreciate his POV regarding her tsniyus.)

• He advised: “Be ready to give away a taavah (a non-spiritual craving): clothing or books or magazines; take something you want and get rid of it."

​

• ​As far as prepping goes, the rav advised against panic-hishtadlut (efforts) in favor of mentschlikeit hishtadlut.

(I guess this means no ramming other shoppers with your cart or giving people dirty looks because they are doing the same last-minute shopping that you are...I heard this happening in some areas of the USA.)

• And here are 4 final points from the shiur:

1. Corona is from Hashem, not China. Do teshuvah!
2. No lashon hara! Quarantine your MOUTH!
3. Get a flip phone (or the little phones we have with no Internet connection at all).
4. Real ahavat Yisrael (He said: “Help others now! What are you saving your money for?”) 

Thank you again to the wonderful reader who took the time to sum up the shiur, which gave me so much chizuk & guidance. (You know who you are, wonderful person!)

I hope Rav Schorr's ideas offer encouragement, direction, and reassurance to anyone else reading this.

May Hashem protect us from all harm & may all the ill people enjoy a complete & speedly healing of the nefesh & the guf.

​Both Rav Itamar Schwartz & Rav Shalom Arush voiced their thoughts on how to respond to coronavirus, based on spiritual "physics":

• Source for Coronavirus & The Tikkun
• Daddy – Save Me from Coronavirus!

​Along these lines (and based on opinions heard from different rabbanim on previous misfortunes in Jewish history), this post expands on possible connections. Again, these follow the mussar I've learned, plus Jewish perspectives of similar events, however, they're still just my own ideas and not more than that.

Sometimes, when we don't show enough appreciation for a mitzvah, Hashem temporarily withdraws it.

Our halachic obligations are actually privileges, even if they don't always feel that way.

Serving Hashem b'simcha is one of the most vital aspects of Judaism (and sometimes, one of the hardest).

So Hashem might temporarily withdraw the opportunity to learn Torah in yeshivah, to learn in a frum school, to daven in a minyan, and so on, if we haven't been doing so with enough zest.

Likewise, if we go according to Rav Arush's idea, we see that a quarantine is either a way to separate us from others and/or an effective way to make us spend more time with others (if we have family at home), which can also be both a blessing & a challenge to our middot.

Yearning for these sometimes unappreciated opportunities is a good way to earn them back.​

On the other hand, going according to Rav Itamar Schwartz's idea of all the social media connection being "cold" (like Amalek) and back-to-back, when we need more "warm" face-to-face connection:

Imposed quarantines can force us into more face-to-face communication (if we live with others). But for those alone, it forces them into more back-to-back communication (because that's the only way they can communicate in quarantine).

On yet another hand, even people living together can turn toward technological distractions as an escape.

We see this now when a group of people sit in a room together, yet each person is staring into his or her own tablet/laptop/phone.

And on still yet another hand, technology is less available right now (though I don't think we're feeling it so much at this point).

For example, I delayed buying a new printer when my old one crashed. Now the printer best suited for my needs & pocketbook is on-hold in China, even though the store I visited usually carries it. Apple says the quarantines & illnesses are delaying software updates.

The big clincher here is we're all expecting the Internet to remain running.

I don't know how much a working Internet depends on people being out in an office. Other related aspects, like the necessary electricity, does need hands-on people to keep going.

But even with those who escape into their phones or computers at home, we'll still be forced to spend more time with actual people (if we have them around).

Certainly, a downturn in our ability to go out or use other forms of communication opens up more opportunity to spend time in prayer & learning Torah.

Right now, our ability to engage in certain mitzvot is limited.

​Why might Hashem do that?

It's connected to the idea above, that if we don't use a spiritual privilege properly, Hashem might temporarily withdraw it.

So if we invest ego gratification in a mitzvah or perform it with a non-Jewish flavor, then that also cheapens the mitzvah.

In the past few parshas, for example, the Kli Yakar has discussed copiously the intent of wealthy people when they give tzedakah. If there is pride involved, it diminishes the mitzvah quite a lot, even if the actual amount given was quite generous.

Likewise, sometimes people get caught up in a well-intended yet misguided perspective regarding mitzvot.

Sometimes, very precious mitzvot like hachnasat orchim or bikur cholim invite lashon hara or other prohibitions if we're not careful.

Bitul Torah (or just plain bitul) can also be a problem in conversation. Even just taking upon oneself to insert at least one Torah thought into an otherwise tiflus chat can make a huge difference, spiritually speaking.

As much as we can, our get-togethers should consist only of mitzvot & real Jewish simcha.

Some communities love to celebrate mitzvah milestones, like weddings, bar mitzvahs, chalakas, brissim, etc., with a massive investment of money & planning.

The core desire is rooted in the neshamah's awareness of the spiritual beauty of the event.

But the mind & heart can get caught up in the material or competitive or insecure aspects that sometimes end up coming to fore.

Yet even a tiny bit of restraint or looking into one's underlying motivations (even if it doesn't feel like extravagance because so many other people are doing the same) can have a resounding effect in Shamayim.

Another example: In the effort to look nice l'chvod Shabbat or attending shul, some people style themselves in a way to knock people's eyes out. 

This too can be remedied by using very small steps.

For example, a little less blush "l'shem Shamayim" or a skirt that's a bit longer or a hair-covering that's a bit more refined or going with regular heels (or even flats) rather than 2-inch spindly heels can have a surprisingly powerful impact in Shamayim.

Also, woman habituated to scarlet-nail manicures can choose a more refined color.

Even though long nails are still a problem within tsniyut, and in some communities nail polish is a big no-no regardless of color, the fact that she's refining herself for Hashem even in a small way is still a VERY BIG DEAL IN SHAMAYIM.

​If you're doing it for Hashem, these little refinements can resound far more than imaginable.

Seriously.

Just as one example, Malky Feig’s Mountain Climbers 2 tells of how a young frum woman overcame a bleak diagnosis when she resolved to stop using a soft-bristled hairbrush on Shabbat (because it unintentionally pulls out hairs, which is forbidden on Shabbat, even though she’d bought the soft bristles to avoid such a thing—but it unintentionally pulled out some hair anyway).

Many people will scoff if you focus on such small seemingly insignificant acts, but the proof is in that story and many other stories of this type.

Other people might not notice your efforts, but Hashem sure does.

​Hashem cares about our heart.

So yes, seemingly insignificant acts reap huge results...as long as we're doing it for Him and His Torah.

Everyone's on a different level and each person excels at one aspect while struggling with another aspect — and these aspects are different for each person.

Deciding what aspect (no matter how small) to focus on is a very individual decision.

Frankly, I think heeding Rav Avigdor Miller's recommendation not to discuss your process with others is very wise.

(He's repeats this recommendation in several lectures. Here's one example: Rav Avigdor Miller on Friends & Cronies.)

Especially regarding small steps, another person can scoff at your contemplation and ruin everything. 

That's not okay.

No matter how small, if you're taking a step in the right direction, then that is GREAT.

It really is.

People who subconsciously loathe themselves can be very difficult to get along with and they find it very difficult to change.

Their profound self-loathing prevents them from doing any kind of effective cheshbon hanefesh, and therefore, prevents them from doing real teshuvah.

(Because they already hate themselves for petty or insignificant flaws, it's very hard for them to see their "real" ones.)

​Deep down, they also feel like flaws are a justification to hurt or abuse other people.

(In some cases, this abuse is expressed passively, such as moping around or depression or neglecting people or tasks they're responsible for.)

​Because they often feel that flaws justify maltreatment, this means they feel they also deserve to be yelled at or made fun of or scorned or humiliated or rejected or hit for their poor choices or flaws.

And who wants to suffer any of that?
 
So you can see why they resist seeing their own real flaws at all costs. This also brings a lot of denial or minimization of flaws when dealing with others.

(I think this is why so many people see their own hurtful behavior as "funny" or "cute.")

There are different levels of this, of course.

Some really cannot admit they’re wrong about anything no matter how minor and no matter how much damage they’ve actually done and how many lives they’ve ruined.

Others can admit a bit, but quickly become consumed with unwarranted shame & self-hatred.

​Here's an example of how self-loathing causes poor behavior and unfair treatment that borders on being irrational...

Andrea and Linda were babysitting a couple of active little children.

​Linda, who genuinely enjoyed children, got down on the floor to show the children her colored contact lens when one of the children got so excited, she accidentally knocked the lens off Linda’s finger while another child accidentally stepped on it in an attempt to helpfully pick it up.
 
Linda’s dismay was obvious and Andrea expressed sympathy.

Linda’s face curled up into a snarl as she said, “Oh, Hindy…” at the child who’d stepped on the lens.

Andrea sympathized further, offering to help Linda find a way to replace the damaged lens. (Andrea was fairly certain she'd seen such places within walking distance.)

Linda sneered at Andrea and said, “No, it’s not that—oof. You don’t understand…”

Her upper lip still curled and her nose scrunched up, Linda got up and left without another word.

Andrea was a bit startled to be suddenly left with the children on her own without even the most basic, “Sorry, but I just can’t deal with this,” from Linda, but Andrea figured that since she didn’t wear contacts or glasses, she was in no position to judge.

Probably it was a big inconvenience of getting to the optometrist and then a few days of waiting to replace them, which is indeed upsetting. And then there was the cost…

When the parents came home that night, Andrea was left in the uncomfortable position of explaining why she was the only babysitter remaining, which she did in a way that was sympathetic toward Linda.

The parents were mostly sympathetic (although the mother did say with a puzzled laugh, “Why did she need to show them her contacts?” and “I wear contacts; it’s not like the world stops when something happens to one of them.”) Then the parents paid Andrea, including Linda’s pay, which Andrea was supposed to deliver to Linda.

Still uncomfortable, Andrea went to deliver Linda her pay.

Andrea expected that Linda, now past the heat of the moment, would say something apologetic like, “I’m really sorry I got so upset like that, it’s just that I…”—because after all, that’s what Andrea would say and what many people say.

Everybody loses it sometimes and then feels upset with themselves later. And most people acknowledge this with some kind of apology.

But not Linda.

With a look of disgust, she accepted the payment half-heartedly and even offered to give some of it back to Andrea because Linda at least acknowledged that she didn’t deserve full payment when she left part way through.

But Andrea wasn’t uncomfortable with that, especially because Linda seemed so upset.

So she refused.

Her face contorting with disgust, Linda whined, “But I don’t deserve it.”

Andrea shrugged. “So what? Anyway, maybe you DO deserve it. You meant to stay the whole time. And up until the fiasco, you were playing with the kids a lot more than I was. Plus you experienced damages. So maybe you DO deserve it.”

Looking even more disgruntled, Linda settled back in her chair & didn’t even look at Andrea.

Andrea felt confused. It seemed like Linda was mad at her, but what had she done wrong? She’d covered for Linda, made excuses for Linda, and now she tried to reassure Linda.
​
As she left, Andrea tossed one glance back at Linda and saw a look on Linda’s face that could only be described as pure self-loathing.

In that moment, Andrea understood that it was Linda at whom Linda was angry.

Linda's rude treatment of Andrea had nothing to do with Andrea at all.

I’ve seen this kind of thing lots of times and I’m sure you have too. 

First of all, while Linda made poor choices, she’d done nothing hateful.

• Yes, it was a mistake to take out her lens (though she had good intentions).

 

• Yes, it was not terribly mature or sensible to become so overwrought (even though the inconvenience was very real) that she left the job she'd agreed to complete.

 

• Yes, it wasn't really fair to leave Andrea carrying the buck.

 

• Yes, Linda should've offered a brief apology both to the parents and to Andrea (all of whom would’ve accepted the apology in good grace without a second thought — because it wasn't such a big deal.)

These were all poor choices — but not horribly, irreversibly poor choices.

And they’re not remotely indicative of a loathsome & irredeemable person.

The truth is that Linda’s first major mistake was directing a beam of all-consuming self-hatred at herself when the first incident occurred.

(Taking out her lens to show the children was a minor mistake — a poor choice, but not one that demonstrated bad character or serious flaws.)

Initially, Linda tried to blame the little girl, but immediately realized how irrational that was (especially in front of Andrea who witnessed the whole thing) because it was her own fault for taking the contact lens out around rambunctious children.

(And I use the word "fault" lightly. This isn't something you can predict easily in the fun of the moment, especially when the kid are bouncy, but not out of control.)

Yes, it was a poor choice. But guess what? We ALL make poor choices sometimes! We all do things that, in hindsight, were not very sensible.

We ALL do things that we should have known better NOT to do.

EVERYONE does that. There is no way to avoid it completely.

It’s NORMAL.

Only Hashem is Perfect.

And unless something really awful happens as a result, there is only a need for productive regret (i.e. the kind of regret that makes you resolve HOW to be smarter next time), but absolutely NO need for becoming consumed with shame or loathing or hatred for yourself.

NONE.
 
On the contrary, that degree of self-hatred/shame/loathing is not logical (though it makes sense in the mind of the person who thinks that way). 

Making the occasional poor choice that results in unintended & unwanted consequences does not reflect badly on you.
 
In fact, Hashem caused it to happen, so you can relieve yourself of that guilt & self-flagellation right away.
 
Furthermore, Linda felt she didn’t deserve full payment, but she wanted it, which made her hate herself even more. (“How greedy I am! How selfish!”)

She was also embarrassed that the parents now saw her as someone who gets so overwrought over such an incident that she abandons her responsibilities—and she felt that their new estimation of her (as she imagined it, anyway) was correct…

​...which made her hate herself even more.

And again, Linda projected her own self-hatred onto Andrea and the parents.

She imagines that they all must secretly despise her as much as she secretly despises herself. How can they not?

Again, Linda's self-hatred is a sign of how much she is cut off from reality, and not a sign of "the secret truth about Linda" (as she imagines).
 
Usually, Linda covered her true feelings with a sunny & winning persona, so these moments of self-disgust, which she projected onto others, were startling & disconcerting to those who experienced them.

This above is just one example.

It has been seen time and time again, that people who secretly hate, loathe, and despise themselves are carrying around a load of toxic shame, which causes them to perceive themselves as intrinsically defective and irredeemable.

Toxic shame is just that: toxic.

It's a poison that can eat through & destroy an otherwise wonderful person.

The remedy is to internalize the fact that HASHEM gave you your faults, whether you were born with them or whether you developed them in response to your environment (which was also given to you by Hashem).

They are part of your journey to self-tikkun.

Our flaws & faults are actually not our fault; they are implants from Hashem.

However, HOW we decide to handle them is where our self-responsibility lies:

• Do we acknowledge our flaws or ignore them?

 

• Do we ask Hashem for help with them, maybe using recommended techniques, or do we feel helpless & do nothing concrete to fix things?

 

• Do we take them seriously or do we shrug them off—even going so far as to excuse them as cute, funny, or justifiable?

When we bring Hashem into the picture and realize that we are not to blame for our flaws, we enable the toxic shame to fall away and then we can get to work on the real issues in a loving, compassionate yet serious manner.

May Hashem help us all succeed in doing true teshuvah from love.

Several years ago, I found myself with more time on my hands than I'd had in years.

Baruch Hashem, my Hebrew skills had also improved.

I knew that it was very important for women to know Tanach well (and mussar and relevant halacha), so I decided to study the parsha each week with the major commentaries.

Obviously, that goal meant biting off more than I could chew, which I realized after only a few weeks.

But it also brought some very nice surprises.

First of all, I fell in love with the Kli Yakar's peirush. With so much beautiful metaphor and so much sympathy toward women, it inspired me to focus on him & Rashi for the rest of the year.

Secondly, I realized that seeking out the good points in every scenario was a vital part of cultivating an authentically Jewish mindset.

​No, not whitewashing bad behavior, but simply seeing the positive aspects or intentions of a situation.

Literally all the mefarshim do this.

It's especially interesting when juxtaposed with their uncompromising commitment to Truth, their tremendous fear & love of Hashem, their profound piety, and their clear-eyed ability to call a spade a spade.

For example, the Ohr Hachaim explains Hagar's untoward behavior toward Sara Imeinu after the birth of Yishmael as a well-intentioned misunderstanding of the relevant halachot.

Hagar wasn't even Jewish. Furthermore, she was of Egyptian stock and that's not good. It exerted a pull on her when the going got rough, as Rashi explained.

Yet the Ohr Hachaim saw her as not-as-bad-as-she-seems.

He did not approve of her behavior, but simply explained (using lots of proofs from the Gemara that my husband helped me with) that she hadn't meant to be so disrespectful; she'd simply misunderstand how the halacha worked.

The Kli Yakar also did this with Achashverosh, explaining that Achashverosh meant to atone for his sins via his use of the Temple garments and vessels.

(Please see The Kli Yakar - Parshat Titzaveh & How to Avoid being a Pathological Pollyanna–and scroll down to the section on Mountain of Sludge) 

His intentions, explains the Kli Yakar, made Achashverosh "karov l'shogeg – close to being an unintentional sinner."

Close, but not quite.

The Kli Yakar still states unequivocally that Achashverosh was a rasha.

And those are just 2 examples.

Anyway, this attitude running through all the mefarshim brought me to realize that the truth of a matter is defined by seeing the positive in a situation.

NOT by denying wrongdoing or evil, but seeing some positive aspect, even if it's only a vague inner intention of the mind.

This is in direct contrast to Western society today, which considers negative statements of proof that you're seeing the truth.​

​This also helped me realize that a lot of the speakers and articles in the frum community calling attention to problems were attacking problems in the wrong way, especially regarding OTD youth — which is why we haven't seen much success with solving these issues.

Oh, yes, on an individual level, yes. A great many people have been helped.

But overall, we're seeing a downward trend in this particular area.

But why? With so many organizations and professionals available nowadays, and with so many classes, courses, and books on parenting, why are we having increasing problems with youth?

Even more striking, in families that possess a wide span between the oldest and the youngest child (meaning that their oldest is a married 40-year-old and their youngest is a 19-year-old in sem or yeshivah), the siblings don't even look or act like they were raised in the same family.

It's the same family, same parents, more or less same parenting (even though many times, the parents do raise their younger children differently than they raised their older ones), but a completely different generation.

I don't know all the reasons, but let's look at one, and that's the chinuch guidance many parents (particularly the mothers) received from chinuch "experts."

So what was happening in the world of frum parenting, starting around the 1990s (and in the 1970s-80s in the secular world)?

First of all, you would be inundated with very disturbing stories of people being mistreated by their frum parents or their frum school (which, again, is a reflection of the same trend starting earlier in the secular world).

VERY disturbing stories.

And they were often behaviors that no normal person would ever think to do...not even once.

In other words, you really don't need to warn parents and teachers NOT to do such things.

For example, some people are serial killers or mug little old ladies walking down the street.

Do you need to warn people NOT to do this?

Do you need to exhort against the terrible pain murder or mugging causes the victims?

​NO. Of course you don't!

No remotely normal person WANTS to murder innocents or mug little old ladies.

So who were these chinuch people talking to with their really disturbing stories?

For contrast, let's turn this around:

If you're speaking to people who DO think serial killing or mugging little old ladies is a justifiable activity, do you think that telling them "this is really bad and here's why it's really bad" will stop them?

Likewise, most of the parents and teachers who are liable to act out in such abusive ways often lack the self-awareness to connect the stories (and their sad outcomes) to their own behavior. 

(I'm talking about people who regularly exhibit dysfunctional behavior, not occasional one-offs.)

For example, back in the Nineties, a story made the rounds telling of an angry father who engaged in a physical abusive incident against his teenage daughter, violating several major Laws, plus the societal norm of behaving less aggressively to a girl than one would toward a boy.

This is obviously very disturbing.

It's also very unusual.

Because of this particular father tromping on both halachic & social restraints against such behavior, it's clear that there's something very wrong with him.

For example, Judaism is impeccably clear about the prohibition against becoming violently angry, and against bodily attacking people (unless for self-defense).

It's forbidden. This is the Rambam (Maimonides) and all the other major Sages throughout the ages.

Furthermore, this is his own child and a daughter (it's natural for fathers to be softer on their daughters than their sons).

Clearly, he is an abnormally dysfunctional person.

Now...would you personally ever do such a thing? Even if you're were really angry?

No, of course not.

Do you know anyone who does?

Probably not. Or if you do, you know ONE.

Yet this story was repeated ad nauseam and always presented in a "SEE WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR COMMUNITY – AAAAAAAGH!" approach.

Okay. Yes, OBVIOUSLY, it's very wrong and must be taken care of.

But what about all the good parents?

Not perfect parents, but people who are doing things right — or at least SINCERELY TRYING to do the right thing?

Why was chinuch instruction 97% of the time "SEE WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR COMMUNITY?!!! – AAAAAGH!" rather than "see what's right"?

Why was it so defensive and reactive (like, "we must prevent this horrible thing and its awful result!") instead of proactive ("Let's achieve this wonderful goal and strive for this lovely outcome – and you all have the beautiful soul potential within you to make it!")

Why couldn't they have presented it at least 50-50?

And why do I as a parent have to be lumped in the same category as the deranged father above, as if we all are on the brink of such behavior?

Again, the above chinuch-dynamic was a direct result of the surrounding culture and fashionable psychology of that time.

It wasn't an authentically Jewish style or method.

Yes, we were TOLD this was an authentically Jewish style, but as we all know, saying something doesn't make it true.

And we see now that it didn't help; our amount of problems with youth has increased.

This is because many of the allegedly Torah-based chinuch methods were not actually based on Torah.

A few years ago, I attended a lecture given by one of the chinuch superstars.

Basically, it consisted of a detailed description of the dangers of all sorts of modern technology for our children, along with a detailed analysis of how there was no possible way to prevent our children from seeing or using this technology, no matter how aware & protective we are as parents.

And that was it.

Just really depressing & hopeless.

There was no finale like, "And so clearly, the only thing we can do is turn to Hashem. He set up this situation to bring us closer to Him — and show the power of the sincere heartfelt prayer of a loving parent!"

Or something like that.

But...nothing.

Just...all is hopeless. "We are the Borg. Resistance is futile."

Give up. Don't even try. There's no point because you cannot fight it anyway.

And where was God with this Borger rebbe?

I didn't see Him anywhere the entire lecture.

And just for knowing, I believe that Rabbi Borg intended to be helpful, but simply got caught up in the wrong mindset (i.e., a non-emunah mindset).

Ironically, a friend who also attended the lecture praised it.

The rabbi's knowledge of all the ins and outs of the situation impressed her.

When I pointed out that he offered no solutions or chizuk, she wasn't so bothered by that lack.

For her, the mere awareness of the issue was impressive. Yes, the rabbi was "raising awareness"! (This is another modern concept that can be positive if it actually leads to solutions—but the way society is set up, it often leads to impotent frustration instead, resulting in chafing masses.)

I think there's also relief in feeling that "I can't really do anything anyway," which superficially relieves self-blame and intense shame when things go wrong.

But you can have hope & personal responsibility WITHOUT toxic shame and self-recrimination.

​And that is actually what Torah Judaism offers us.​

By knowing that Hashem is cultivating every step of our individual journey for our benefit and by knowing that our neshamah is pristine and good, we can more easily face challenges without getting bogged down in miserable feelings.

While reading the commentaries on the weekly parsha "raised my awareness" in a way that led me to solutions (i.e., let's see what people are doing RIGHT!), and I was able to change back then, I unintentionally revisited the issue more recently.

I ended up receiving a daily newsletter titled something like Merry Motherhood – Raising a Happy & Heimish Mishpacha!

It sounded good & I thought that having a daily chizuk for parenting would be good for me. 

But I cancelled after a week because it such a downer.

Once again, I was reading about really awful parents & teachers, accompanied with an explanation about why this behavior is so bad and how important it is to avoid it.

Just like with the story of the deranged father above.

And the implication is that I need to know this, that your average parent needs to know this, because...we are liable to be really awful & abusive – unless we are told NOT to be!

Yes, there's a secret monster inside us all just waiting to jump out & devour our children & students!

​We're all ticking time-bombs just waiting to explode!

​Sigh...

It's such an incredibly negative & insulting message derived from modern pop psychology, in which everyone is pathologized and anyone who is emotionally healthy is simply labeled as "asymptomatic" or "no apparent dysfunction" or whatever. 

​In brainwashing people into thinking that they are innately bad, it can actually cause bad behavior.

It's also so un-Jewish.

Why assume the worst about everyone?

What about giving the benefit of the doubt?

Seeing a person's good points?

​What about knowing that the core neshamah is good & help people access that?

And isn't it a tad arrogant for the "expert" to feel that he or she has achieved wonderfulness, but no one else is wonderful (unless, of course, they follow this expert's sage advice)?

What about realizing that Hashem is running things and that most people already possess a sense deep down of what's wrong or a sense of what their child needs, but may simply need help accessing that?

Why did this method become so popular in the frum community?

I can't know everything, but these are some possible reasons:

(1) First of all, the Jewish neshamah has a definite Tzedek, tzedek tirdof (Justice, justice, thou shalt pursue) aspect to it.

Many, many Jews absolutely cannot stand to see any kind of unfairness or victimization.

So upon encountering abuse, the soul cries out.

And that's normal, even positive.

You want to protest this awful dynamic. You feel like it shouldn't go on for another moment and that it should never happen again.

You feel like it's absolutely unconscionable & must be stamped out immediately.

That's all good.

In fact, that's very good.

But it all depends on how this goodness is channeled.

In the secular world, assimilated Jews channel this via the only means they know: liberal values.

So they support socialism (and even communism), think that abortion & euthanasia are acts of compassion, and so on.

And they really believe they are fighting injustice.

Likewise, these frum professionals also believe they're doing something helpful by assuming the worst and slapping the most negative examples in our faces all the time.

​Not to mention, it's so disturbing to hear that you the reader get all riled up...with absolutely no outlet for your outrage.

So you're all riled up and...?

So you also can end up hating the frum community because it's portrayed as so awful with no tikkun in sight.

(2) And even more deceptively, a lot of frum people think that things are better among the non-Jews. (And from personal experience? It's not.) 

How did this misunderstanding happen?

For one thing, a lot of these chinuch people read the secular literature on child psychology, parenting, etc. Some learned in universities, even Orthodox universities, in which whatever-current-popular-psychology-model is promoted.

They consult with other frum people who've also been deeply influenced by pop psychology, particularly the Victim Model.

Additionally, all popular theories contain some grains of truth, else they wouldn't have such popular emotional appeal.

The Victim Model also has some grains of truth to it.

(3) I think we've all heard about the concept of a certain "ruach" that comes into the world at different times, which is why you'll see entire continents get caught up in the same ruach. Again, this needs to be channeled properly. We really need daas Torah to deal with any ruach.

(4) Finally, when you're working with difficult people & difficult situations, you get inundated by them, which makes it appear that the entire world is profoundly dysfunctional in THIS particular way, based on your copious encounters.

That's pretty normal. But again, it's important to cultivate yishuv hadaat by stepping back and re-orienting your perspective.

I admit that it bothers me a lot that many of these chinuch people are from a yeshivah background and they learn Gemara regularly (along with parsha & mussar).

And despite their Torah background, they are still so impacted by other influences, like the emotional appeal of pop psychology, the presentation of current popular theories as the only game in town, and their own correct outrage at the injustice, plus the fact that their profession causes them to be inundated with problems & giving them a skewed perspective.

And again, it's understandable why they're affected in this way, but I can't help feeling that their learning should provide more of a buffer and imbue them with more yishuv hadaat than they seem to exhibit.

For example, when I was in junior high & high school (in the American non-Jewish public school system), it seemed like the sxual abuse or exploitation of girls was all over the place.

​And in the secular world, it actually kind of is.

For some reason, I attracted a lot of secret confidences at that age, so I think I was exposed to hearing this information more than others. 

And these problem increased despite so much available support: hotlines widely available & advertised (including on TV shows popular with young people), vastly increased "awareness," specialized organizations, the widespread acceptability of going into treatment for any issue, support groups, female judges, female empowerment, and blah, blah, blah, blah.

For all it helped. (Not.)

Unfortunately, as is characteristic of Esav, the Western World has managed to convince nearly everyone that it holds the solutions to everything and that even though everything has obviously gotten much worse, the solutions still lies within their theories – and ONLY within THEIR theories – and that, anyway, no other society is doing any better.

​That's what they claim.

And a lot of frum professionals totally swallow this, going so far as to look to the non-Jewish community for solutions — including the Catholic Church, of all things, like "Look at how the Catholic Church has dealt with their problems of abuse!"...and there's no cognizance that, while there are good people in the Catholic Church, overall it's an organization based on tumah & just wants to cover things up. If a perfunctory admission of guilt will make them look pretty, then they'll do that.   

​"Fauxpologies" (fake apologies) are very popular with bad people. Fauxpologies enable awful people to continue indulging themselves, more than almost any other strategy.

Beloved Am Yisrael, they are not an example to follow.

Note: Of course we can use the facilities of the non-Jewish world: transportation, hospitals, courts, prisons, etc. But these aren't solutions to overall problems. The secular world does not actually have solutions. They pretend to & promote themselves as such, but they actually don't.

Without Torah (and this means the 7 Mitzvot of Noach for the non-Jewish society), there is no other way to improve society.

And those frum Jews who deal with problems need to use their Torah learning to find the answers and use that learning to act as a buffer against Edomite influences & theories.

If they come from a yeshivah background and keep up their learning, then they definitely have it within them; they just need to focus on continuously accessing it.

And so once again, we see that looking INTO Torah provides us with what we need.

Despite all the above, it's important to emphasize the following:

• There ARE good therapists.

 

• There ARE good chinuch advisers.

 

• There ARE good people working in these fields.

 

• There ARE people, even with a university background in secular theories, using authentic Torah to sift through & offer you guidance that is truly beneficial.

And we've seen frum professionals doing a real cheshbon hanefesh and coming around to authentic Torah guidance.

It's very hard not to swallow whole these secular theories.

Despite my initial secret misgivings about some of it, I also got swept up in these theories at one point. 

These theories are promoted in such a persuasive manner, it's hard not to get caught up in them, especially if you spend years immersed in them via a college education.

Furthermore, you often get a lot of disapproval and even polite name-calling ("in denial," "do you really think you know better than...?", etc.) for merely questioning these theories or bringing up contradictions.

So I had to work through this (with the valuable help of Chazal, whose Torah-based wisdom is truly eternal), and I don't think we should think badly of professionals who also initially got caught up in it, then turned themselves around (which, in their field, takes tremendous courage & a commitment to Torah values).

It also showed me how much a regular non-talmid-chacham can gain from learning Torah sources on his or her own level. Hashem crafted Torah to be accessible to any sincere seeker on his or her own level, even if it's a low level.

Yes, the more skills & the better hashkafah you have, the more you'll gain from Torah sources.

But a person has to start somewhere, so why not start wherever one is & build up?

​When I encountered a fresh look at the old chinuch information that inundated us when my children were young, it showed how problematic and davka un-Jewish it was, and that's why very little of it was actually helpful or effective.

And it's wonderful that people are waking up and looking to Torah & connection with Hashem via tefillah and talking to Him in order to raise their children and generally live their lives better.

And I very much hope that continues to strengthen.

May we all merit to be mechanech our children & students in the way that's truly best for THEM.

As happens sometimes, I once needed to get up 5 or 6 times in one night to tend to my ill 4.5-year-old.

Three of those times, he wanted a little story for comfort.

Finally, he sank into a good sleep and I did too.

I also hoped the other members of our family wouldn't wake us up while getting themselves out the door in the morning.

They didn't.

I woke up on my own as they bustled about, but no one needed me and so I drifted back into a light slumber, grateful both that the ill child was sleeping peacefully & also for the opportunity to catch up on sleep after the rough night.

Suddenly, I hear the siren wailing.

I listen for a minute to see whether it will undulate (the sign that it's a real warning and not a drill).

Groggily, I check my bedside clock.

9:33 AM. The drills generally occur at 10:05.

Uh-oh. It's real. 

Bleary-eyed I rush to the safe room to open the heavy door (which is difficult if my arms are filled with a large sleeping child), and then I hurry to lug my sleeping child (who is pretty big for his age) into my arms while murmuring to him reassuringly, and then hurry to the now-open door, with the intention of laying him down on his big brother's bed while I close the window and the door.

Except that his big brother's bed is full of stuff (like a motorcycle helmet and other hard things), so I can't just lay the child down on top of it, like I could if it was just clothes.

So I'm trying to close the shutters, and then the big unwieldy iron window protector with one hand and a heavy child sagging in my other arm.

(The whole time, I'm hoping that the allotted amount of seconds haven't gone by.)

It's not going so well, but at least the child is finding it all amusing.

(He also enjoys being in his big brother's room, which is usually off-limits to him.) 

Now that he's fully awake, I shove aside some stuff on the bed and prop him against pillows so he won't be leaning against a cold wall, toss the thick knife lying on the bedside table to the other end of the bed where my 4.5-year-old won't get it, then go back to close the door and then close the window properly.

I'd forgotten that this makes the room pitch-black.

My child protests and I talk to him in that happy-mommy voice we use when we want our child to think something is fun (especially when it's not).

I fumble for the light switch and turn on the light. 

Then I think it's probably safer to be seated, so I move stuff over to make a place on the bed and hold my son in my arms. He's happy for the cuddle and very amused by the whole situation.

It occurs to me that I should be davening, especially since I suffer from the same mentality as the rest of the country ("Miracles are the expected norm!") and assume that the missile will fall somewhere else, probably at a safe distance from any residence.

This is not the correct way of seeing things, so I force myself to overcome my ho-hum attitude and daven until enough time has passed to go out.

The little boy is feeling pretty chipper by now and is able to walk back to his bed by himself.

As we leave the room, I hear the shower running.

I freeze.

Was my oldest son home this entire time?

(So THAT'S why his bed was so messy! He's usually pretty neat.)

How did I not hear the shower when I hurried right past it on the way to the safe room?

That's what happens when you're so focused on other tasks, I guess.

When he comes out, I tell him what happened (emphasizing that I don't love him any less than his baby brother, but just that I honestly did not notice he was at home) and he's extremely amused that he showered blissfully through the whole thing.

All the writings & shiurim on emunah help so much in gaining proper prospective.

It's easy to get upset when, after a rough night with a sick child, another family member wakes you up.

And then it's very normal to blame them for depriving you of even more sleep on top of your current sleep deprivation.

But understanding that Hashem is running things helps us understand that we don't need to get so upset.

In the above situation, no one disturbed my sleep that morning. No one decided they needed me.

Great! Thank you!

​But then a siren went off, calling for an immediate response for self-preservation.

So this is very good mussar because this kind of thing gives me chizuk to avoid blaming people when things don't go as I'd like.

Because if it's not your family depriving you of sleep, it could be Hamas.

It's all up to Hashem.

He decides.

And so there's really no rational reason to get angry.

It's better ask Hashem for our needs rather than getting upset with others.

​And that's what I've been working on.

Upon re-reading Rav Itamar's Schwartz's booklet on the Erev Rav (a collection of different lectures given on the topic), one section (pages 43-46) jumped out at me: Protection from Illness. 

He notes that the impurity of a world without Torah is what makes a Jew sick, pointing out how Yaakov Avinu only got sick once he ventured into the impure environment of Egypt.

(Needless to say, this means specifically the impurity of the non-Jewish world, and not the wonderful non-Jews who strive to follow the 7 Mitzvot of Noach. A truly non-Jewish world rejects Torah, instead of embracing Torah via the 7 Noachide Laws, like a sincere non-Jew does.)

Quoting the Chatam Sofer (Shabbat 86b), Rav Schwartz explains that we cannot bring medical proof from non-Jewish medical healing on how to heal illnesses found in Jews — even when it appears to be the same illness.

Does this mean that, say, studies showing that extra doses of vitamin C & zinc reduce the length of illness don't apply to Jews?

So I'll risk extrapolating that yes, it could mean that vitamin C & zinc will work fine for Jews too, but it doesn't have to mean that. In other words, the studies don't prove that it will be effective for Jews, but yes, it can also be effective for Jews.

(Interestingly, recently, there was an unusually high rate of measles in the frum community, despite frum communities being generally pro-vaccination and therefore comprising a high percentage of people vaccinated against measles. Could the Chatam Sofer's chiddush explain that? I don't know enough about the whole issue to say for sure, but it's intriguing.) 

Rav Schwartz says:

The more a person shows that he is of the seed of Amo Yisrael (His Nation Israel), the more he expresses the Yisrael within him...the more he merits Hashem's Healing. 

In other words, the more we think & act as if we're saying, "I'm one of Yours, Hashem!"— then the more Hashem treats us like one of His.

When did the deadly plague appear among the Jews in the Midbar?

Only when they allowed their hearts to hanker after the influences of Egypt.

Bamidbar 11:4 - 5:

Yes, the main kvetchers were from the Erev Rav, but the Yisraelites allowed themselves to be influenced by all the fracas too.

Yet despite the powerful sway of the Erev Rav, Rav Schwartz reminds us that we also have the power to NOT be influenced.

The proof is that in Egypt, we did not change our Hebrew names, our refined Jewish style of clothing, or our holy Hebrew language.

Apparently, that's all the proof we need.

So, tachlis, what do we do?

How do we prevent illness?

We prevent illness by distancing ourselves from non-Torah influences.

How do we do that?

First of all, says Rav Schwartz, we must trace the source of anything we encounter.

Is it an authentically Jewish source or a non-Jewish source?

In other words, is it sourced in holiness...or not?

In this lecture, Rav Schwartz specifically discusses the following issues:

• The compulsion of some to immediately seek to bring any new non-Jewish product or idea into the frum world (with kosher certification & rabbinic approval, of course).

 

• The enthusiasm to get a hechsher on as many different foods as possible or to create a kosher imitation.

Yet what, for example (says Rav Schwartz), is the root desire of those who seek to either kasher non-kosher foods or to create a kosher imitation?

Giving into physical desires, making money, garnering accolades for this "accomplishment"...  

Now, maybe sometimes there is a holy reason for doing the above.

For example, the wide availability of hechsherim means that secular Jews have more of a chance of eating kosher food (even without meaning to).

But generally Rav Schwartz's stated reasons are the real ones. Not always, but mostly.

• New styles of clothing are created by some of the most degenerate people in the world.

Miniskirts, high heels, and tight pants are some of the least uncomfortable clothes to wear.

Waist-length loose hair is also a major pain in the neck (and in a shaitel, a massive expense in both the purchase & the upkeep).

​Yet look at how some otherwise frum people insist on wearing them.

Their insistence is certainly not out of a dedication to uphold Jewish values because miniskirts, high heels, tight pants (for either men or women), and long loose hair (for either men or women, real hair or wigs) are not tsnius.

So what is the source? We all know it's not holiness.

It's something else.

Going off on a tangent: It is my secret wish to go back to the clothing of our Imahot – long, loose robes. With the right kind of design and fabric, these can look elegant enough for a wedding. And it's not just me. I have a chassidish friend with impressive yichus who secretly wishes the same. Maybe someday, we'll no longer be confined to wearing modern Edom-style shirts & skirts...sigh...

• Many books today are authored by frum people borrowing non-Torah ideas.

And yes, Rav Schwartz acknowledges that they get rabbinical approval for these books, even when the entire book is in the spirit of the non-Jewish ideas about life.

(Usually, rabbanim do not read the entire book; they judge by a sampling & their estimation of the author's character, plus their good-hearted desire to help a fellow Jew with his or her parnassah.)

This happens quite often with books on psychology & psychiatry, although we must commend those frum professionals who gradually broke out of the mold of their university indoctrination and started to sift through the sources, in addition to using their own experience, research, and study of Torah sources. 

Rav Schwartz says in other lectures that some frum people are writing legitimate stuff and also Rav Avigdor Miller said that some frum psychologists are using genuinely kosher techniques but speaking with psychology-jargon so that other will take them seriously.

The supposedly frum chinuch today is another massive culprit of dressing up non-Jewish ideas in Torah garb, then selling it to unsuspecting new mothers.

(Actually, I was a suspicious young mother myself because a lot of what I came across presented as "authentic Torah chinuch!" reminded me of all the Western child psychology I'd been reading in my teens & twenties. But my peers were uncomfortable with my questioning the methods we were learning, so there was no one to discuss it with, and thus it took me a while to break away from it. Reading Miriam Adahan's Awareness and then a talk with my rebbetzin really helped me cut free from it all.)

​It's important to note that the people selling Western child psychology as "authentic Torah chinuch!" are not tricksters, but simply unaware that it's not actually Torah chinuch.

Rav Schwartz himself says that some of the people misguiding others are not bad, but well-intended. For example, those who are, say, trying to get charedim into the army aren't always Erev Rav, but a Yisrael-soul convinced it's doing a good thing. They're not evil, just misguided.

I'm not trying to rip apart these chinuch "experts," especially since they have such good intentions. However, they often hurt as much as they help. The assistance and the damage goes hand-in-hand.

I can't help being concerned that parents be made aware of this so they don't suffer like I and many others have.

Having said that, there are definitely people who ARE offering authentic Torah chinuch and who help much more than they hurt.

May they be blessed.
​

• Our external appearance, our homes, and our actions may seem like pure Torah, but our minds & hearts often yearn for aspects of Mitzrayim (i.e., the non-Jewish influences).

This is a huge challenge. As written in a previous post, the secular world has everything down to a science. 

They carefully study & calculate how to attract your very brain.

Songs are carefully composed so that just hearing a briefest sample of a song tricks your brain into wanting more.

Movies and TV shows are timed exactly to what your brain wants regarding scenes and turning points.

Advertisements spend a fortune on research to cultivate images and words to attack your brain into thinking a certain product or idea is irresistible.

Video games also hit you right in your brain.

Facebook has long been famous for their carefully crafted addictive aspects.

The list goes on and on.​

​The best way to fight the root desire for outside influences is to:

Bring more authentically Jewish influences into your life.

• Read material by real talmidei chachamim. (Nefesh Chaya by Rav Shimshon Dovid Pincus is a wonderful resource for women. It's also a real page-turner.)
• Read well-written books about tzaddikim, like Rebbetzin Kanievsky.
• Listen to or read transcripts of Rav Avigdor Miller when he starts describing how the non-Torah lifestyle & values appear through Torah eyes. (It's pretty witty too.)
• Listen to Jewish music composed by Jews with pure souls: chassidic niggunim or Sephardi piyutim are a great place to start.
• Do mitzvot. Learn Torah. Give tzedakah. Do chessed.
• Pay attention to talking like a Jew — what slang do we use? Do we pottymouth? Lashon hara? Any meaningless chatter or unnecessary clowning around? 
• Talk to Hashem as you would a Best Friend Who truly cares about you and genuinely wants to listen to you.
  
  

These are just some suggestions to start. You probably have your own.

Also (and I feel kind of silly saying this), but I'm obviously not any different or better than anyone reading this. All the above are things that I've either had to face with myself or am working on now.

I'm learning new aspects and gaining new insights all the time — sometimes on a daily basis.

Basically, you want to keep adding light to whatever your own personal darkness is.

​May we all succeed in meriting a complete healing of both the body & the soul.