I wanted to write a follow-up to the post on the incredible Tzachor family in Kiryat Arba: Chaviva & Tzvi Moshe Tzachor: "How is It Possible to Abandon the Blind Baby? Instead, We Decided to Adopt Her."

While the story focuses on Chaviva (even though the father, Tzvi Moshe, played a significant role because he also saw the ad & wanted the baby, plus who else took care of Liat when Chaviva gave birth a month later to their 8th child?), the trial faced by their daughter Mina deserves a deeper look too.​

Initially, 12-year-old Mina's response to the neglected blind baby is disturbing.

Certainly, Chaviva never would have left them alone together had she known the depths of Mina's true feelings.

While it's easy to understand why Mina might find repulsive a baby with eyelids sunken into empty sockets and reeking of bedsores, her seething hatred & resentment seem extreme.

She even jabs the baby hard enough for the baby to flop onto her face.

But upon noticing both how the baby's face presses into the mattress and how the baby makes no effort to save herself, Mina realizes the truth of the situation and the danger of her own action.

She quickly seeks to right the baby back to her side (and literally right her own wrong), which allows the baby to breathe again, and causes the baby to emit a deep sigh like "a 100-year-old man."

This ignites Mina to realize how helpless the baby really is, which releases the compassion trapped beneath layers of hatred and resentment. 

In a quiet voice, Mina reassures her new baby sister that she needn't worry and promises to help her.

​And she does.

Mina ends up being one of Liat's most dedicated champions.

That initial spark of compassion fanned into a fiery idealism to nurture all special-needs children, to bring out their best and reach beyond any & all expectations.

Mina now runs the center her mother founded.

But retracing the steps back to before Liat entered the Tzachors' lives, how would Mina have been without Liat?

Probably a good person.

After all, her parents were clearly special & dedicated people. They were committed Jews, compassionate, and very dedicated to their children long before Liat appeared on the scene.

Being raised in such an environment no doubt produces emotionally healthy personalities.

But would Mina be the exceptional person she is today?

​Unlikely.

In Judaism, there is a concept of "yeridah for the sake of aliyah."

Sometimes, you need to go down before you can go up.

We all have dark parts of self.

Or, as Judaism describes it, we all have klippot (exterior shells) that cover our good parts, shells that need to be broken in order to release the beautiful spark trapped inside.

In order for the shell to be broken, we must access it first.

We can't do it unless we know it's there.

Without Liat, Mina likely never would realize that she possessed such a petty & dark side to herself, that she had the capacity to resent & hate an innocent baby so much simply because the baby wasn't externally appealing — because this wasn't the sister she wanted.

It was there whether Mina or anyone else knew about it or not.

And it would stay there throughout her life, whether she ever realized it or not.

But by Liat's mere presence bringing out such feelings, the situation forced Mina to deal with that part of herself.

Initially, she failed when she jabbed the baby.

But when she righted the baby, Mina righted her own self.

And then she could have just gone to bed after that, with that guilty discomfort of knowing she'd done something she never wanted anyone else to find out about.

But Mina took it one step further.

Not only did she correct her incorrect action, she took upon herself to help Liat.

Not only would Mina refrain from hurting Liat in the future, but she would even strive to both protect & assist Liat.

This ended up being a classic example of turning from evil and doing good, as directed by David Hamelech in Tehillim/Psalm 34:15.

Once that klippah was broken & Mina's innate compassion was released, it took her further than she could ever have traveled without that experience.

The Mina whose heart seethed with rage & hatred as she looked at her externally defective new sister is not the same Mina who now says about special-needs children like Liat:

The same girl who initially felt seething hatred now feels boundless love.

And I think this is a crucial point.

As discussed on this blog before, everything is from Hashem, including your flaws.

Anything bad about you, whether you were born with it or whether you developed it from your upbringing & environment, was designated for you by Hashem.

So there's no need to feel paralyzing shame about those aspects.

Yes, healthy shame is good because it means that you understand the difference between right & wrong.

That grimace-inducing "uh-oh" feeling you get after doing or saying something can be a wonderful indication you need to rectify something.

But if the shame is so intense that you cannot even look at that aspect of self, that you deny or minimize it, then that's not helpful at all.

And it's not correct either because your ugly aspects aren't your fault. In other words, they don't reflect the REAL you.

They were implanted there by Hashem IN ORDER FOR you to deal with & rectify them.

And Mina is a great example of this.

Yes, there are 12-year-olds who would have felt instinctive compassion, even if the baby's physical reality repulsed them.

There are. Those naturally sensitive, compassionate types exist.

But the fact that Mina initially felt so negatively doesn't reflect on Mina's true essence.

Instead, Mina's true self is the compassionate person that she became, the person who developed into a crusader for the same child she initially rejected, and then expanded that heartfelt conviction & dedication to all special-needs children.

Seething hatred flipped into unconditional love.

And I don't think it would've happened without the initial challenge first.

And that's what our challenges are for: rectification.

Even if we initially fail (as Mina did), we can still make the necessary repairs.

Just like in Mina's case.

The compassion was there all along.

​It just needed to be released.

Related posts:

• You are Not Your Flaws
• ​How Self-Hatred Blocks the Real You from Shining Through — and the Secret to Freeing Yourself
• Seeing Ourselves through Hashem's Eyes by Using a Measuring Scale of 0-10
• Learning Spiritual Growth from the Low-Life Butcher who Eventually Achieved a Good Name
  
• When Everything is Against You, Every Little Step Contains Even More Significance
  

A recurring theme streaming throughout Tanach is the tremendous dedication to Am Yisrael demonstrated by even those rejected by Am Yisrael.

We see this with David Hamelech, Moshe Rabbeinu, Yosef Hatzaddik, Yirmiyahu HaNavi, Yiftach HaGiladi (Jephte of Gilad) and more.

Let's look at the saga of Yiftach (Shoftim/Judges 11:1-12:7), which also features in the Haftarah for Parshat Chukat.

Yiftach, like some other people in Tanach, did not start out from such noble stock.

Like Gidon, he was born into one of the smallest & least prestigious of the Tribes: Menashe.

Furthermore, his mother's status (which influences Yiftach's status) lacks propriety.

The Torah uses a term for her which could mean that she was a pundakeet (a woman who runs an inn — and while not forbidden, it's not a proper job for a bat Melech), or that she married out of her Tribe (again, not forbidden, but not the proper thing to do either), or that she was simply Gilad's pilegesh (concubine) — a woman permitted to him & faithful to him, but who is involved with him without the benefit of Kiddushin (marriage).

The truth is, none of these theories contradict each other, so she could have been all three.

Anyway, Yiftach's father, Gilad, also had an official wife. (I don't know whether Gilad's relationship with Yiftach's mother occurred before Gilad's proper marriage or during, though it sounds like before.)

At one point, Yiftach's half-brothers (from Gilad & Gilad's official wife) decided to banish Yiftach from their entire community.

Declaring they didn't want Yiftach inheriting with them from Gilad, they chased him out by force.

And the elders of that area supported the actions of Yiftach's half-brothers. 

Let's stop here for a moment and examine what happened to Yiftach here.

According to halacha, Yiftach had every right to inherit his father.

After all, the son of a pilegesh is still a son.

The pilegesh is wholly faithful to her man; there is no doubt as to who is the father of her child.

Yet even if the Yiftach's half-brothers didn't know this halacha, the elders certainly did!

Furthermore, the half-brothers chased out Yiftach with a great deal of force, say the commentaries. Described as a gibbur chayil later chosen to lead the battle against the powerful Ammonites, Yiftach must have been both physically imposing and a skillful combatant. 

I don't know whether he physically fought back against his half-brothers, but the commentaries say they chased him out aggressively (maybe they took a strong offensive due to his size & skill, even if he didn't end up fighting back).

This is very serious because you have extremely aggressive and halachically wrong actions...supported by not only by Yiftach's own Tribe — but by the elders of his own community within that Tribe (which was also called Gilad, like his father).

And Yiftach was all on his own. He had no other full sibling, nor do the text or commentaries mention other family members.

This all sounds profoundly traumatic.

And indeed, Yiftach ends up in a land called "Tov," where he hangs out with do-nothings.

But he also ends up as their leader; they willingly follow him.

And he apparently enjoys the good life in the land of Tov.

Yet Yiftach's physical prowess & charisma don't go unnoticed by his Tribe.

At one point, the same elders of Gilad make their way to the land of Tov and approach Yiftach with an offer: They want him to fight the powerful Ammonite nation on their behalf.

​They immediately offer him chiefdom before even stating their request.

But Yiftach reminds them how they hate him and drove him out from his father's house:

"And why have you come to me now when you're in distress?" 

The elders don't even try to play games with him. (You know, like, "Oh, but Yiftach our brother, YOU didn't understand...it was all a big misunderstanding!" or "Oh, are you still upset over THAT? C'mon, you're bigger than that..." or "Look, no one could be completely sure about your paternity, so you gotta understand this was the only way.")

Instead, the elders basically say, "Yeah, that IS why we've come now. Exactly. Now, come on; let's get going with this conquest."

But Yiftach has one more stipulation: If Hashem delivers the Ammonites into Yiftach's hand, Yiftach wants to be more than a military chief; he wants to be their leader.

They agree.

So Yiftach travels back with them to Gilad and he rejoins his birthplace and his people.

​And he also maintains his connection with Hashem. (He doesn't move forward without praying first.)

The story of Yiftach continues with tremendous victory in battle & successful leadership, but also personal tragedy.

​Yet all in all, Yiftach who was an am ha'aretz of ignoble birth (and his ending is so great either), merited not only to become a Shofet, but also merited an entire chapter about him in Tanach. 

Not all the Shoftim earned more than a brief mention.

Furthermore, when he needed it for his role as Judge, ruach hakodesh rested upon him.

So what's behind the success of Yiftach, who was prioritized by Chazal as the LEAST of the Shoftim?

So it's like this:

Yiftach could have told the elders to go jump.

Yes, he could have. 

Yiftach was enjoying the good life in Tov with his band of merry men.

He didn't need to be affected by an Ammonite invasion of Menashe.

Also, if Menashe really found itself in trouble, other Tribes could come to the rescue (as they did).

Furthermore, Yiftach was a religious person. Not a scholarly one, but a religious one. (Everyone was religious back then.)

If the people merited it & Hashem wanted them to win, so they would.

Simple as that.

Finally, couldn't Yiftach gloat in the persecution of Menashe?

"Oho!" he could have said with the smuggest of smirks. "Now you're on the other side of the stick. How does it feel, eh? You know what? You had your chance. You could've stepped up to plate when I was down for the count, but you didn't. You made your bed — so go lie in it and leave me the heck alone."

And then he could have cheered on the Ammonites. ("Stick it to 'em! Yeeeeah!")

He really didn't have to care. 

Also, he was already a successful leader in Tov. What did he need the prestige of Tribal leadership for? For what did he need the responsibility of people who'd treated him so badly and seemed not to like him at all?

But not only did Yiftach did step up to bat...he performed marvelously.

He saved his Tribe and then as their leader, he was a good & honest Judge.

In other words: not one smidgen of retaliation.

He consistently behaved with goodness & fairness to the same people who had so badly hurt and rejected him.

And Yiftach was always whole with Hashem. Whether he was living as the unwanted brother in Gilad or cruising as the leader of empty-headed men in Tov or presiding over Am Yisrael as a Shofet, Yiftach held on to his emunah. 

Ultimately, Yiftach was loyal.

​Despite everything, Yiftach maintained loyalty to Hashem and thus, loyalty to his Tribe.

​He was there for them when they really needed him.

​And that's the example to learn from.

Certainly, in both halacha & Tanach, we find situations when we must be tough with others.

​But in general, we're supposed to know that Hashem is behind everything and not take stuff personally.

We are supposed to overcome our pain and do the right thing no matter what.

Rav Avigdor Miller has stressed that love of our fellows must emanate from a love of Hashem — and that's what happened with Yiftach.

The text mentions how he prayed and spoke to Hashem.

Yiftach was able to overcome his trauma and preside with good grace over the same people who'd hurt him so badly because of his emunah.

As the Pele Yoetz reiterates throughout, a rodef shalom is only made when peace flees a person and he must pursue it.

If the peace stays serenely with a person, then there is no need to pursue it and thus, such a person cannot be a pursuer of peace.

Likewise, the Pele Yoetz also asks rhetorically whether a man can be praised for his good behavior if his household is pleasant & accommodating.

If his wife, children, and household staff always behave with him pleasantly & accommodatingly, says the Pele Yoetz, then what's the big deal for him to be Mr. Nicey-Nice in return?

Where's the challenge? Of course he's nice to such nice people!

But, says the Pele Yoetz, if his wife his difficult and his family & household staff try his patience, then a man who behaves pleasantly to such people — HE deserves praise! He's the winner.

​That's real middot.

Another important facet needs to be addressed here.

Unfortunately, Jew-disdainers look to magnify scenarios like the above as examples of those "bad Jews" in Tanach and why Hashem rejected the Jews (chas v'shalom) in favor of believers in the gospels.

And sometimes unthinking Jews themselves wonder what there is to be proud of when we have ancestors who behaved like Yiftach's half-brothers & the elders of Gilad.

(There's a LOT to be proud of! So many of our ancestors did magnificently wonderful things!)

So again, to reiterate the point of the Pele Yoetz: Being really nice to people who are really nice to you does NOT mean you are a nice person. 

It could mean that, but it doesn't have to.

After all, being surrounded by pleasant & accommodating people does not incite you into behaving not-nice.

Therefore, if you want to be a truly good person, then you need to behave with integrity & love in situations when you are being treated UNfairly & UNlovingly & UNpleasantly.

This means that Hashem must put you in such situations.

In other words: To be the kind of person who responds to darkness with illumination, you must be placed in a dark room.

Your light can never be seen in the brightness of the noonday sun.

In order to see your light, there needs to be darkness.

And that's why these persecutions of very good & innocent people needed to happen.

These persecutions do not reflect on Am Yisrael as a whole.

These people NEEDED for them to happen. So Hashem activated these events.

One final piece of food for thought:

We see that behaving with love & integrity & emunah in the face of terrible rejection is the cornerstone for true greatness and also for Mashiach (Ruth, King David, and Leah Imeinu were all terribly rejected at some point.)

But the opposite is also true.

In the infamous story of Kamtza & Bar Kamtza, Bar Kamtza found himself faced with terrible rejection & humiliation — rejection & humiliation that occurred with the seeming agreement of the great rabbis seated there.

It was a much lighter version of what happened to Yiftach and others.

Yet was was Bar Kamtzah's reaction?

SEETHING HATRED. REVENGE. RETALIATION. 

Bar Kamtzah actively sought to hurt the people who hurt him — and he involved a powerful enemy nation in order to execute his plan.

It was the exact opposite of how our greatest people responded to pain & rejection...

...and it led to the Destruction of the Second Beit Hamikdash, which still remains desolate 2000 years later.

So we see here that taking the low road in response to rejection & pain leads to terrible destruction of everything we cherish most.

Yet we also see that taking the higher road in response to rejection & pain leads to the highest levels of human achievement: nevuah (prophecy), ruach kodesh (a lower level of prophecy), and Mashiach.

So we see that our response to pain, rejection, betrayal, persecution, and unfairness holds the key to our own personal greatness & National success...or not.

Related posts:

• The Tragic Story of Kamtza & Bar Kamtzah
• Loneliness & Rejection as Aspects of Mashiach​
• Who is a Real Rodef Shalom?
• The Overlooked Prophetess: Chana
• ​The #1 Path to True Greatness & Achieving Your Absolute Best: Rejection, Isolation, and Being Quashed
• ​What Tanach Teaches Us about Responding to Rejection & Persecution

In the Pele Yoetz's chapter Character Traits/Middot, Rav Eliezer Papo addresses the personality that seems "born to be bad"— a bad seed, in other words.

He rhetorically asks what shall a "son" do if he personifies the following:

• his middot are bad
• the thought patterns of his very mind (dei'ot) are warped 
• he strays from the way of good sense (seichel)
• he says to bad: "Good" and to good, he says "Bad"...

...and to compound things, the above dynamics are perfectly "straight in his eyes."

"This is a sick evil with no cure," Rav Papo pronounces.

That sounds pretty hopeless.

Also, notice he doesn't just say it's bad. Rav Papo calls such a situation a ra'ah cholah — the ra'ah, the evil is not only evil, it's cholah — it's sick.

And it's apparently 100% incurable.

So what's a "son" to do?

(It's also interesting that he uses the word ben, "son" or "child," rather than "person" or "man." I don't know why he uses that term.)

Never give up! Despite his stoic assessment, Rav Papo has some tips for such a hopelessly awful person:
​

• He must pour out his soul 3 times a day during Shemoneh Esrei (apparently, Rav Papo also composed a special prayer for the sickly evil person to say at the appropriate point in Shemoneh Esrei)
• He must request that Hashem rectify him with good counsel to be made whole in his middot, his mind, and in all aspects of spiritual wholeness. (In other words, he needs to complete whatever he's missing, even though it's admittedly a lot.)
• He must do what is good & upright in the eyes of God & man.
• He must constantly learn mussar books.
• He must submit himself to Torah scholars.
• He must learn from the behavior of Torah scholars.
• He must not deviate from anything they say, no matter how it sounds to him.
• He must not rely on his own understanding.
• He must nullify his opinion before that of others.
• He must nullify his desire before that of others.
• He must utilize every last bit of strength to go against his nature.
• He must utilize every last bit of strength to go against his way of thinking.

Finally, he must strive to actualize all of the above until he it's ingrained within him and Hashem opens his eyes to allow him to see with his eyes & understand with his heart which is the straight path.

Then he'll repent and heal.

It's important to note that Rav Papo makes no promises; he prefaces the above by saying ulai — perhaps he will be saved. Maybe.

At the same time, a person who commits to the above program is fairly certain to succeed, Rav Papo reassures us.

He reminds us that any person who comes to purify him- or herself merits assistance directly from Heaven.

Also, l'fum tza'ara agra — according to the effort you invest, that's what you'll reap.​

(It's also illuminating to learn how Shemoneh Esrei plays such a powerful role in transforming an awful person. It's clear from the Pele Yoetz that Shemoneh Esrei said with kavanah, plus the inclusion of heartfelt personal pleading at the appropriate point, is a type of segulah for one imbued with "sick evil.")

Rav Papo emphasizes that life is not a Monopoly game.

There is no Get Out of Gehinnom Free! card.

​He states:

This will not extract him from the the "hands" of transgression.

Why? 

Rav Papo wraps up this short (but powerful!) chapter by reminding us that a person's entire purpose of existence is to:

• toil in Torah
• provide contentment (nachat ruach) to Hashem

How does this apply to us today?

The "I'm okay, you're okay" mentality developed in the Seventies has seeped into over 2 generations so far.

Long before that, you had Popeye the Sailorman inculcating generations of small children by singing "I yam what yam and that's all that I yam!" (I am what I am and that's all that I am.)

​In the Seventies & Eighties, blaming negative experiences & faulty upbringings excused a lot of poor behavior — including in the courtroom.

Unfortunately, many well-intentioned frum people (in a desire to give the benefit of the doubt) embraced this way of thinking and inadvertently justify unjustifiable behavior.

(Doing so is a form of chanifah, by the way; a severe Torah prohibition.)

Then came labels and that's still in vogue: narcissist, personality disorder, psychopath, sociopath, hyperactive, and so on.

​(I use these terms too, by the way, because I find them a good short-cut to conveying a certain idea. But modern pop psychology uses them to support a different agenda.)

Tremendous amounts of literature exist on whether psychopaths are born or made (some say psychopaths are born while sociopaths are made), whether narcissist personality disorder is an inherited disorder, genetic determination, and so on.

And also, there is so much discussion as to whether any of the above can be cured. (Science says it can't...although the field epigenetics is fighting against the idea of genetic determination. Epigenetics basically means that your thoughts & behavior can activate or deactivate various genes.)

But the answers were laid out in this short chapter nearly 2 centuries ago.

In other words, a person who is a narcissist or a psychopath will not be excused for their abusive behavior when standing before the Heavenly Court.

​And they're not totally hopeless either.

Either way, the "Popeye defense" will not be admissible in Court.

It's important to stress that showing compassion for someone going through a hard time is not the same as justifying bad behavior.

​I think we've all encountered people who behave like a person crying & thrashing out in pain, like the emotional version of a person with a foot caught crushed in an animal trap.

That's their emotional state.

And probably we've all behaved in that way at least once ourselves.

If so, we probably remember with gratitude any people who showed us compassion while we were trapped in that state. Maybe they even helped us out of it (i.e., managed to extract our mangled foot from the crushing trap).

So if someone is going through a difficult time or if they are really struggling to work on themselves, but fail at times, then why not give them a break?

Why not give them the benefit of the doubt, along with some patience, compassion, and encouragement?

After all, no one is perfect!

However, people who consistently behave badly with little or no remorse — and have done so for most of their lives?

And furthermore, they don't even seem to know that their behavior is hurtful or wrong?

Their trail of transgressions isn't going to be swept clean.

And please note that the description of personality disorders and psycho/sociopathy is completely encompassed by Rav Papo's description of a person imbued with "sick evil." 

Evil looks good to such a person. That's what he says. Think about that for a minute.

Think about what that means & everything that implies.

And even more strangely, goodness looks BAD.

His or her very way of thinking (de'ot) is ugly; it's all warped.

And all the wrong, warped, crazy thoughts & attitudes seem perfectly upright (yashar) in the eyes of such a person.

They're the normal person (in their own mind).

They're the superior person (in their own mind).

Yet ultimately, they don't have any excuse.

Somewhere inside of them, implies the Pele Yoetz, is some type of awareness they can access and then utilize for self-improvement.

​In other words, they are still expected to try.

​We are doing neither victims nor their persecutors a favor by justifying halachically forbidden behavior.

If it's forbidden, then it's forbidden.

And if a person habitually indulges in such behavior, and thinks it's perfectly right while being convinced that the opposite behavior (a mitzvah) is wrong, then we certainly cannot minimize or whitewash it with platitudes like, "Oh, that's just the way she is" or "He was abused as a child." And so on.

And tough luck to any of us born with any bad middot or da'ot that make good behavior feel all wrong.

We're just going to have to work even harder and suffer more discomfort than others.

That's all.

​But in the end, all that exertion & discomfort turns into something wonderful (Eternal Life) if we keep on pushing.

When you see the same values emphasized repeatedly throughout Jewish scholarship, regardless of the era, surrounding culture, and anything else, then you know it is a core universal Torah value.

Likewise when Rav Avigdor Miller (a Slabodka-educated American rav from the 20th century) emphasizes the same points — even word for word at times! — as Rav Eliezer Papo (a Sefardi rav living in Muslim Bulgaria in the late 1700s-early 1800s), then you know that means that is core Torah value that must be taken to heart.

Rav Avigdor Miller has discussed the importance of taking care not to hurt people with words. (Please see Destructive Words & Healing Words: Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Behar-Bechukotai.) 

And Rav Papo does the same in his masterpiece Pele Yoetz.

(The following points are gleaned from the chapters Ona'ah/Deceit & Fraud, pg. 86-87, and Klilot 1/General Principles I, #26, pg. 666-667.)

The Pele Yoetz notes that ona'at devarim (harmful words) is more severe than ona'at mamon (monetary fraud).

​Many of us struggle to get our head around that idea.

Due to outside influences, verbal abuse and other harmful words are often shrugged off as "Oh, he's just letting off steam; he doesn't mean anything by it" or "That's just how she is — blunt! Don't take it so much to heart" or "Just kidding!"

However, if someone steals or tricks a person out of money (even a small amount), does anyone ever say, "Oh, he's just greedy like that, but he doesn't mean anything by it" or "That's just how she is — a fraudster! Don't take it so much to heart" or "Just kidding!"?

​At the same time, the Pele Yoetz gives the benefit of the doubt by acknowledging that many people stumble in this prohibition because they do not know what hurtful speech entails.

So here is Rav Eliezer Papo's definition:

This also includes returning a hurt with a hurt.

So if you say something hurtful to someone who hurt you (even in jest!), says the Pele Yoetz, then in addition to the prohibition of hurtful speech, you are also transgressing the prohibition against taking revenge.

And exactly how careful do we need to be with the prohibition against hurtful speech?

​Here's the Pele Yoetz again:

​At one point, the Pele Yoetz goes on to emphasize the Heavenly punishment for such things: "total destruction."

Is your stomach clenching at these words? Are you getting that "Uh-oh" feeling?

Is your heart sinking as you remember all the times you were "just kidding" or "just being honest" or only doing to them what they did to you — or even the innocent words said when you do care about feelings, but simply weren't aware of how they affected the other person? 

(That's how I felt reading the above.)

Well, never fear!

The Pele Yoetz has some helpful tips for us.

Here's the main one:

​So all the things that make you go "Grrrr..."?

Just do your best not to do those to others.

Here is another tip to know how to avoid ona'at devarim:

Be careful to avoid hurting another person via:

• speech (dibur)
• action (ma'aseh)
• looking (r'eya)
• hinting (remizah)

It's very interesting to note that ona'at devarim also includes hurting someone via non-verbal methods, like facial expressions or staring, and also via purely physical non-verbal acts.

Yeah, I knew they were prohibited, but I didn't know they were prohibited as ona'at devarim — hurtful words. 

​(This is why it is so important to review mussar on a regular basis. How many times have I read this section and missed the point that your eyes & actions can also transgress ona'at devarim without saying a word?)

Also, hinting, looking, and action all fall into the realm of emotional abuse (as "forgetting," accidentally-on-purpose behavior, sabotaging, "gas-lighting," etc.).

That's pretty heavy.

Even decent people sometimes say hurtful words.

Let's look at some situations addressed by the Pele Yoetz:

• Situation #1 
"He hurt me first."

As mentioned above, this is revenge and severely prohibited by the Torah.

• Situation #2
"He is a total jerk — I mean REALLY bad. He deserves it."

Unless this is an open admonition from love, says the Pele Yoetz, then it is not only revenge, but you are being used as the punishing stick to punish this wicked person.

Why is that a problem? (After all, the jerk really does deserve it!)

The answer is in Shmuel I:24:14 — "From evil people comes evil — Mershaim yetzeh resha..."

As Rashi says there: As punishment, Hashem decrees that a bad man falls into the hands of another man bad like himself.

So in a nutshell, Hashem uses unpleasant people to carry out unpleasant tasks.

It's already problematic enough that the jerk is a bad person. "Why should [you let him make] his fellow wicked like him?" asks the Pele Yoetz rhetorically.

​(Meaning, why should you insert yourself into the category of reshaim by being the punishment for the jerk?)

• Situation #3
"Just kidding! LOL! I'm not being serious. It's all in jest. Anyway, everyone loves it — they're literally rolling on the floor with laughter. And the comment got so many likes and retweets..."

Oh boy.

If it's in a joking manner, says the Pele Yoetz, then: 

Yuck.

​That's very strong imagery.

​It's as if you stab your friend, then extract his blood and produce a comedy skit from it.

Along these lines, the Pele Yoetz answers the excuse: "I'm joking! — Misachek ani!" with the following:

The Pele Yoetz also says the same about people who pain their friends via joking & giddiness in order to increase merriment.  

Having said all that, no one is perfect and reading minds impossible.

At the end of Ona'ah/Deceit, Rav Eliezer Papo reminds us that we must constantly strive (yishtadel) to cultivate in others a favorable attitude toward ourselves, so that they'll feel comfortable around us.

Hashem doesn't expect us to be perfect, but He does expect us to TRY.

And as long as we try, then Rav Papo promises that the attitude of Hashem will likewise be favorable toward us.

(This should also be some comfort for times when we're forced to deal with bitter or abusive people who insist on playing the victim or who actively seek out "faults" in order to justify their abusive behavior, and do not wish to view their victims in a favorable light. As long as you TRY to avoid hurting others, you're still okay with Hashem.)

Hashem meets each person at his or her own level:
​

​It's amazing to see where even baby steps can take a person.

​For example...

After over 20 years of child-bearing and enduring difficult births (for which even an epidural didn't always work as it should) followed by a colicky baby who cried & spit up copiously for months, a friend of mine decided to try what she read in a frum book:

Hashem can do ANYTHING — so acknowledge this, and then just ask.

My friend is frum from birth, but raised by parents of high scholastic intelligence who possessed a shallow ideas of middot & closeness with Hashem (and who thus engaged in a lot of poor parenting).

So while my friend is very frum & committed, she always lacked the inner lushness that involves the heart.

Due to her experiences, it's hard for her to relate to Hashem as a Kind & Compassionate Father.

Perceiving Him as unpredictable & scary, she always preferred to keep Him at arm's length.

But this time, she decided to try this baby-step toward emunah and said:

"Okay, Hashem, You can do anything. You can give me an easy birth and give me a calm baby."

She said this a lot throughout her pregnancy, but not every day. And maybe not even every week.

"I didn't always believe it," she acknowledged. "A lot of times, I didn't even say it with such conviction. I still felt skeptical, but I thought that if this is the right thing to do, if this how we're supposed to be, then why not try it?"

She experienced the easiest birth ever with a stay in the hospital that seemed custom-made for her needs (VERY unusual).

Her baby is serene & healthy, only crying if she needs a diaper-change, food, or sleep.

My friend still can't believe it worked.

But clearly, Hashem understands how hard it is for her to connect to Him based on her upbringing.

So when she just made half-hearted baby steps in His direction, He pulled her all the way through, which hopefully has given her the necessary encouragement to continue moving forward in this direction.

Another friend worried over her son, who sank deeper & deeper into the motorcycle culture.

He invested large chunks of his salary in things like:

• a protective suit made of 100% kangaroo leather (which cost over a thousand shekels)
• state-of-the-art helmets (yes, more than one)
• a state-of-the-art motorcycle
• spiffy decals & accessories

...and spending entire days at a motorcycle track where he merely zoomed around & practiced risky stunts.

He started hanging out with the other young men there who were also obsessed with motorcycle culture.

The noise of the motorcycle could be heard from blocks away before he even arrived home, and he wouldn't use a muffler despite being informed that the motor bothered both his parents and his neighbors in the middle of the night (though if it was after 10 PM, he agreed to roll the motorcycle out several yards away from the building to rev up the motorcycle away from the open windows of his neighbors — but it was still a noisy event.)

His mother decided to follow the advice of Rav Shalom Arush:

​Spend 10 minutes a day speaking to Hashem about your child.

Pour out your heart & beg Hashem for a change in your child...for 10 minutes.

My friend started doing this, though she admitted she found it difficult to spend those 10 minutes on him alone because it turned into a by-rote "Please Hashem, may my son do true teshuvah," which made it hard for her to maintain heartfelt communication with Him.

So she decided to include her other children in those 10 minutes, but she made sure to ask Hashem to extract her son from the motorcycle culture WITHOUT harming him in any way, and also to turn him toward good things, including Torah study.

She also confessed that she missed a day here and there, even though it was only 10 minutes.

(This resistance is a very powerful & pervasive yetzer hara in our generation. Please know that you earn incredible merit for even trying to overcome this.)

After a week of doing 10 minute sessions (including a missed day), her son told her that a piece became dislodged from the motorcycle while he was zooming down a highway, but he caught the piece as it came out and it didn't harm the operation of the motorcycle.

However, he needed to send the motorcycle out for repairs and everyone got a few days of quiet.

His mother thanked Hashem for that, both that the motorcycle was out of commission and also that her son was not harmed in any way.

And she kept on going with the 10 minutes a day (minus another day that she missed).

The motorcycle came back and after another week (minus the day she missed), her son decided to ride with a friend to spend Shavuot & Shabbat with secular friends (who don't keep Shabbat or kashrut).

On the way to their destination, her son made the irrational decision to take a well-known dangerous curve at a high speed.

Several bikers have lost their lives at this curve, while others suffered long-term debilitating injuries.

Despite knowing this and generally being smart enough not to take such risks, he headed into the curve at high speed, then went into a skid.

Propelled from the motorcycle, Hashem gave him the split-second presence of mind to "grab the street" to avoid slamming into the guard rail (which was the source of death & debilitation for previous bikers).

​He still knocked into it, but not dangerously so.

Then he discovered he could not breathe. His riding partner had called an ambulance and tried to help him in the meantime, but no luck.

Right then, a car full of doctors on their way to work in a hospital "happened" to pass by and stopped to help.  

My friend's son passed out while the doctors worked on him. He came to as he was being loaded into the ambulance.

His pricey super-cool kangaroo-leather outfit was irreparably cut away from his body so the staff could work on him.

He spent Shavuot & Shabbat in the hospital eating kosher food.

​Fortunately, a rabbi with whom he was close lived nearby and came to spend time with him, which included learning Tanya together.

Ultimately, he bruised his tailbone and scraped one of his hands, but was otherwise unhurt. No fracture, no breaks, no sprains, no inner organ damage, no gashes...just some bruising that made him walk funny for a week.

​He declared himself finished with motorcycles & the whole accompanying culture, and looked toward getting back to work and buying a car instead.

All this happened after 2 weeks of a mother's heartfelt tefillah.

Not even the whole 10 minutes on just this child, and not even every day.

In other words, it wasn't perfect tefillah and it wasn't by the book (i.e., she didn't spend the whole 10 minutes on just that child).

But those regular minutes she invested in tefillah were truly heartfelt.

(Also, she said that, to be honest, she thinks the neighbors were also davening for an end to the whole motorcycle mania, so maybe it wasn't just her efforts.)

And yes, he got hurt the second time, but not badly.

As you can see, there was a lot of siyata d'Shmaya in his accident (including being saved from spending a couple of very holy days with people who would profane those days).

​Baby steps.

Needless to say, the above results do not ALWAYS happen.

I think we all know people (including ourselves) who davened & begged for years about a certain issue, and the answer was (and maybe still is) "Nope."

But we've also seen in our own lives how much Hashem has said "YES!"

In his masterpiece, Pele Yoetz, Rav Eliezer Papo encourages a person in an anguishingly impossible situation to turn to Hashem and pour his or her heart out daily to the Creator.

​And as a result, says Rav Papo, "ulai yechanen Hashem — perhaps Hashem will show favor & compassion."

The Rav Papo was a tremendous tzaddik who doesn't lie to us.

Tefillah WORKS.

Tefillah can also work miracles.

But at the end of the day, we do not know what trials our soul must endure for its own rectification.

Only Hashem knows what we really need.

Yet it is still so incredibly worth investing in turning to Hashem directly, as a vulnerable child does to a loving parent and as a person turns to his or her best friend in the world, a BFF who is All-Powerful, Truly Loving & Compassionate, and Forgiving...

​...a BFF who truly wants to help you and CAN help you.

We can't know what the ultimate answer will be.

But focusing on true stories like the above can encourage us to at least try.

Fumbling...bumbling...unsure baby steps in the right direction?

Many times, that's all we need to merit Hashem reaching out to us and pulling us in the rest of the way.

If you read Sefer Yirmiyahu (Jeremiah), you see what an incredible ohev Yisrael (lover of the Jewish people) this Navi (Prophet) was.

Despite not only rejection, but outright persecution, Yirmiyahu HaNavi never stopped loving his fellow Jews with all his heart & soul.

This fact first knocked me between the eyes when I read the first volume of Am Olam: The History of the Eternal Nation by Rav Shlomo Rottenberg. 

Wishing to deepen my connection with the Destruction of the First Beit Hamikdash by the Babylonians (much discussion focuses either on the second Destruction by the Romans or on the Holocaust), I read the account in Am Olam. 

Am Olam is very special because it takes commentaries & midrashim, plus the basic text, and presents it as a woven narrative.

​And in this way, it brings Yirmiyahu HaNavi's awesome ahavat Yisrael to fore.

What a beautiful, beautiful Jew he was!

The thing is that without the terrible rejection, Yirmiyahu HaNavi would never have had the opportunity to develop and display his ahavat Yisrael to the awe-inspiring level that he did.

And this is a big lesson for even the smallest person.

Painfully & dismayingly, undergoing rejection seems to be part & parcel of the road to true greatness.

The stunningly holiest people to ever exist endured profound & enduring rejection (including by their own people and even by their closest family members):

• Avraham Avinu (his parents & society)
• Yaakov Avinu (his own twin brother)
• Leah Imeinu (she was the lesser-loved wife)
• Yosef Hatzaddik (his own highly regarded brothers, plus his Egyptian masters later)
• Moshe Rabbeinu (too much rejection in too many to summarize here)
• Ruth (Naomi attempted to lovingly reject her & Ruth was not immediately accepted by Bnei Yisrael; as a Moavite, she also looked physically different & stood out in a not-good way to all those who hated the Moavim with good reason)
• David Hamelech (repeated rejection since birth followed by active persecution, all based on misunderstandings & the bad middot of others)
• Chana, Mother of Shmuel (her co-wife tormented her – albeit with helpful intentions – and Eli HaCohen initially chastised her as a lush & tried to evict her from her place of prayer, plus Hashem initially did not give her what she requested all those years)
• Rebbi Akiva (his father-in-law & various other people)
• Hillel HaZaken (initially rejected by the usher who wouldn't allow him into the study hall without payment, leading him to go on the roof & get covered with snow before they discovered & rescued him) 

The list goes on.

​Yet all these people became so great.

They produced achievements that no one else ever has.

They achieved success in ways that no other human being ever has.

They became the examples to emulate for eternity.

Could they have achieved what they did and became the kind of people they did without rejection?

Never.

The Pele Yoetz emphasizes the greatness of pursuing peace.

He emphasizes that it's no big deal to deal peacefully with nice, patient, acquiescent, peaceable people.

Exactly!

If you truly desire life and love days to see goodness and wish to be as the disciples of Aharon HaKohen, you must PURSUE peace — and that implies situations in which peace is elusive; it's fleeing from you like a young buck before hunting dogs. 

As he notes, Tehillim (Psalms) 34:15 doesn't exhort us to enjoy peace or stroll along with peace or to luxuriate in peace — it exhorts us to seek peace, to demand peace, and to pursue peace.

Sometimes, we need race after peace and tackle it, grasping on to it with all our might.

In all the above situations, each of those tzaddikim needed to wrestle with how to deal with people (and even entire groups) who not only rejected them, but sometimes even wished to actively destroy them.

Different people & different situations called for different strategies.

It depends.

But each one faced an inner struggle: To remain close to Hashem, to resist forbidden vengeance & hatred, to use the rejection as hints to what they needed to rectify within themselves, to maintain inner equilibrium despite all the pain.

To resist despair & cling to hope.

Please note that the response of our rejected & persecuted great ones did not include denial, whitewashing bad behavior (AKA chanifah), tossing God & His Torah to the curb, immersion in escapist activities, or taking out their pain by lashing out at others or conversely, falling into a state of numbness & apathy.

And sometimes, you can't make peace with another person; you can only make the peace within yourself. (Some people are that bad.)

Also, contrary to what some modern-day people advise you, you DON'T need to spend gobs of time with difficult people. That's not what ahavat Yisrael & rodef shalom demands.

In fact, Orchot Tzaddikim, Pele Yoetz (and most everyone else) davka warn AGAINST associating with people with lesser middot and recommend association with very fine people in order to be influenced properly.

And you don't need to deny the obvious.

For example, Yirmiyahu HaNavi was VERY well-aware of Am Yisrael's flaws.

​No denial or whitewashing with Yirmiyahu.

He was a Navi! His entire job was to rebuke Am Yisrael on behalf of Hashem, which meant that he knew their flaws & sins even better than they did themselves. (After all, he heard all the dirt straight from Hashem Himself.)

He knew exactly where they erred and how wrong they were.

Yet he loved them profoundly & unconditionally.

Also, Chana was very close to Hashem, yet she still found Penina's behavior very painful, even though Penina meant well.

​Because despite Chana's emunah and Penina's good intentions, the behavior still HURT.

​It helps a lot to know that rejection is from Hashem AND it is part of the process of making a person GREAT.

As evidenced repeatedly throughout Tanach and post-Tanach history, it appears that it is impossible to reach the highest levels of holiness and righteousness WITHOUT EXPERIENCING REJECTION & PERSECUTION INCLUDING BY YOUR OWN FELLOWS.

Unfortunately, today a person feeling rejected is often guided toward 2 options:

• They are blamed for the rejection & persecution (i.e., abuse).

This might contain truth to it, depending. Some people behave in ways that make them difficult to like.

But even if their behavior is so off-putting, the bigger picture of Hashem placing them in that situation and imbuing them with off-putting traits needs to be addressed.

After all, in contrast, there are people with very bad middot who maintain a lot of popularity in society. Some dysfunctional people even merit what are known as "flying monkeys" — friends & relatives who defend the dysfunctional behavior no matter what & actively enable the behavior to continue.

So wholesale blaming for rejection isn't the deeper solution.

In fact, if it's not the person's fault, blaming them is a very cruel & destructive response.

These situations are often deeper & more complex than oversimplistic bibbity-bobbity-boo responses imply.

• They are encouraged to blame others.

They are encouraged to feel even more outraged & offended.

They are encouraged to despise entire groups whom they associate with whoever rejected them.

They are encouraged to see themselves as wholly innocent victims with no facilitation of inner growth or self-introspection.

They often blame Hashem, feeling like He deceived or rejected them somehow.

Much of this is followed by extreme bitterness & self-pity, plus unbridled lashon hara (often portrayed as l'to'elet — for a useful benefit — or as an act of courage, but rarely produces any benefit whatsoever).

Yet the above 2 responses are not what we see in our tzaddikim who experienced profound & enduring rejection & persecution.

They wrestled with rejection & persecution on the deeper levels.

You can really see this dynamic in David Hamelech's Tehillim.​

​I'm not saying I'm on their exalted level myself. (I'm not at all.) 

But it's helpful to look toward our "experts" in dealing with rejection and persecution and see the honesty they used to face themselves and their very real pain (which they did not deny or medicate), their emunah, their relationship with Hashem, and their own inner work, plus the strategies they used to deal with a variety of different situations.

​And mostly to know that rejection is not actually rejection at the higher levels...it's actually an act of being chosen by Hashem for true greatness.

In other words, you're actually not being rejected. You're being selected for greatness.

It doesn't feel that way. It REALLY doesn't feel that way!

But it is.

Related posts referred to above:

• Loneliness & Rejection as Aspects of Mashiach
• ​The #1 Path to True Greatness & Achieving Your Absolute Best: Rejection, Isolation, and Being Quashed
• Who is a Real Rodef Shalom? (from the Pele Yoetz)

There was a big shocker for me in Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah Parshat Behar-Bechukotai: Speak with Care because he speaks about the great sin & harm of ona'at devarim: hurting someone's feelings with your words.

Yes, I knew that ona'at devarim is a very bad thing.

But on pages 4-5, Rav Miller gives the example of 2 different storekeepers:

One is always a paragon of politeness – but he'll cheat you out of a bit, like by putting his thumb on the scale when he's weighing your bananas. You need to watch him like a hawk.

The other is honest and would never take something that wasn't his, even by mistake – not a penny and not a million dollars. But he speaks with a sharp tongue and answers innocent inquiries with retorts like: "“Look right in front of you on the shelf! Can’t you see?!”

​Which one is worse?

The truth is, they're both pretty bad, each in his own way.

But Rav Miller quotes the Gemara:

Why was I shocked?

Because I am a really horrible person who verbally abuses others without a second thought, and couldn't believe my behavior was so wrong?

Nope.

I was shocked because I've met enough people who feel that as long as they are honest and careful with other mitzvot, including all sorts of favors for others, they can behave however they want.

They might be generous with tzedakah (even when they don't have much to give themselves), and do lots of chessed, including visiting the sick & hosting guests, but they will say whatever they feel they need to say and whatever they've decided you need to hear, and if that hurts your feelings, well...too bad! You need to grow up! You need to hear the truth! That's just how they are – straightforward, say-it-like-it-is, "natural and being myself!", "speak my mind!"

Or this gem: "I wouldn't criticize you if I didn't care about you." ARRGHHH!

To make things even more confusing, when you run into people like this, other people can jump to their defense, either pointing out the good things they do or the difficult life they've had, as if that all justifies the bad behavior.

But Rav Millers says NO!

Our good deeds do not outweigh our hurtful words.

Now, I just want to say that I think we've all had situations in which we said something we later regretted.

​Or maybe we told someone whatever we thought was the truth about them – and we honestly thought that was a good idea at the time. (And yes, sometimes – very rarely – it is a good idea.)​ 

Also, there are people going through a hard time who are writhing in emotional pain and honestly aren't aware of how they're behaving. (I'm talking about people who DO care about their middot, but are temporarily distracted by their emotional pain.)

Sympathy & understanding of others is good.

But for ourselves, we need to know that speaking hurtfully to others is something to be avoided at all costs.

​Rav Miller notes that Rebbi Shimon Bar Yochai emphasized that the initial part of Parshat Behar forbids us to steal or cheat – period.

But the following verse Vayikra 25:17 forbids you to hurt your fellow Jew with words is followed by "you shall fear your God."

(Rashi includes this to mean both verbal hurt & giving bad advice. Avoid both!)

Of course a huge chunk of not stealing or cheating has to do with fearing God – even if you're not caught by a person, Hashem still sees you!

But the Torah itself emphasizes that we must fear Hashem even more with regard to hurting others' feelings.

As Rav Miller notes (page 6): 

Yikes.

​Rav Miller also exhorts us to realize that words can actually HURT; the nerves, heart, and mind can all experience pain just from words.

He extracts this from Mishlei/Proverbs 12:18: "Yesh boteh k'madkarot charev – Sometimes words come out of your mouth that are like the piercings of a sword."

Rav Miller adds a quote from Rav Shmuel bar Nachmeini:

Rav Miller reminds us that we don't forget hurtful words.

Yes, a lot we do forget. But we can all remember something that someone said to us that was like a knife in the heart or a boot in the gut.

We remember where we were, who it was, and exactly what they said – even if it was decades ago.

Interestingly, even if you forgive them wholeheartedly, you can still remember the incident.

Rav Miller describes his own experience with this on page 7.

Rav Miller explains that married couples will also be called to task by the Heavenly Court when their time comes.

It helps a lot to receive forgiveness from your spouse, but it's better to do everything you can to avoid saying hurtful things at all.

Rav Miller praises husbands who ask mechilah ("At least he should have the seichel to do that! Some don't even has the seichel to say that" – page 8.)

It might seem obvious to ask forgiveness from one's wife, but I personally know of one case in which the husband was dying and his wife very gently, tactfully, and lovingly asked him if he wanted her to help him with asking forgiveness of anyone or making a cheshbon hanefesh.

And he didn't!

I was floored, especially considering how disdainfully he'd treated her throughout their entire marriage.

I didn't say a word to her when she told me this because she took it as a kind of temimut on his part, like he wanted to just let Hashem decide things and go with whatever Hashem wanted, and she found great comfort in this.

And I didn't want to destroy her comfort. So I didn't give any indication of my true feelings.

But boy, did that scare me! 

Believe me, he had TONS of stuff for which to ask mechilah from his wife.

And this guy, who didn't grow up so frum, but came to it later in life and ended up learning in kollel all day and absolutely loved learning a classic mussar book – this is it? This is the end result?

There are people who, if they weren't frum, would be philosophy majors or something. They have the intellectual capability to learn Gemara or Mussar or Chassidus, but it always stays firmly in their head.

It never flows down to their heart.

And these people scare me more than any Minchat Yehudah story about demons or malachim mashchitim because Hashem gave these learned guys all the tools necessary to improve themselves and it's as if they just spit on it all and say, "Doesn't apply to me! No thanks!"

And what excuse will they have in Shamayim? They made an intense study of Gemara, Shulchan Aruch, Mesillat Yesharim, Chovot Halevavot, Orchot Tzaddikim, Gates of Teshuvah, and...?

They treat their nearest and dearest badly, they're in a bad mood or easily angered much of the time...and then they don't ask forgiveness. Ever.

What are they going to say? "Oh, I didn't know, Hashem! I'm a tinok shenishba! Or, um...something?"

It really, really frightens me a lot.

I heard of someone else who was always verbally abusive to his family and then Hashem struck him with a degenerative disease of his entire speech apparatus.

His jaw, tongue, and everything just started disintegrating. And the disease was potentially fatal too.

Yet instead of saying, "Gosh, Hashem is removing my entire speech apparatus – perhaps that means something?", he simply used what was left of his voice box and grunted angrily to express his displeasure.

It was also tragic because if the disease indeed came about because of his nasty tongue, he could reverse the disease simply by doing teshuvah and take upon himself speaking nicely forevermore.

But when he couldn't be verbally abusive with his tongue, he switched to using his throat.

What an absolute knucklehead.

This is one reason why in Pirke Avot, we learn that the most important thing is a good heart.

Without it, you can learn all the beautiful Torah you want and still be a jerk – in fact, a HOPELESS jerk, which is even worse than a non-learned jerk.

After all, if you won't listen to Rav Moshe Chaim Luzatto, or the rabbanim in Pirke Avot, or to – hey! – GOD, then who will you listen to?

There aren't so many of these people (most people do work on themselves), but when you meet them, it's quite shocking because they are so smart & learned, but because they lack a good heart, they end up being the stupidest people you'll ever encounter.

​Because if a guy like that won't even ask mechilah, then where are his brains?

Rav Miller recalled a couple he knew in which the husband was "a frum devil" (page 8).

In fact, it seems that Rav Miller helpfully told the man that to his face.

But what did it help?

He shouldn't have been acting that way in the first place.

And when the man's suffering wife was dying, he asked her for mechilah.

And she said, "I won't forgive you."

And then she died and the "frum devil" was left without her mechilah.

"He was finished!" Rav Miller declared.

​Too bad for him. He should've been good when he had the chance.

If you're a parent, pages 9-11 & 17 are very important to read.

Parents are forbidden from ona'at devarim with their children too.

Rav Miller has all sorts of advice about that, plus the idea that once you give a child something, it's his and you can't give it to another child.

On pages 12-13, Rav Miller emphasizes that it is possible to kill someone with words.

Unless we are both naturally sensitive & also aware of all the halachot and careful to practice everything we learn, most of us could improve in this area.

Every little bit helps.

​As Rav Miller says (page 14):

Mishlei 15:4 states: "מַרְפֵּא לָשׁוֹן עֵץ חַיִּים – A healing tongue is a tree of life."

People need a kind word.

Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender also emphasized this strongly.

People need chizuk, encouragement, validation, kindness...

Good words.

Kind words.

Just like you can remember the piercing words said to you, you probably can also remember the words the lifted you up, the words that helped you look at yourself in a whole new way, the words that warmed you up from inside, the words you found healing.

Rav Miller has a personal story about that too on page 16.

Rav Miller also recalls the time he told a regular American police officer that people appreciate what he's doing.

And Rav Miller even wrote letters of appreciation to President Truman and received thank-you notes in return from the President's assistant.

It's great to offer a word of encouragement to every person.

But the most important place to use a healing tongue is at home with your closest family members.

Rav Miller states that for a married couple: 

Think about that.

​If you encourage your spouse, you are doing your job in This World.

Rav Miller compares it to a treasury of gold that costs you nothing to share.

He emphasizes that Hashem judges us most by our encounters with others.

How did we treat them? 

What did we say to them?

On page 19, Rav Miller offers specific advice for husbands and on page 20, specific advice for wives.

​(Then, on the last page, Rav Miller explains how eating 3 meals on Shabbat can save you from suffering chevlei Mashiach.)

Well, there was a lot of good geshmak mussar here and I'm probably not the only one chewing my lip with a look of consternation on my face as I'm reading through it.

Oh well.

The main thing is to get started & do whatever we can to get moving in the right direction.

Baruch Hashem, we have a variety of different guides to coach us on how to develop a relationship with Hashem.

This variety can help us:
​

• get started

 

• get unstuck if we were using one method and are suddenly finding it difficult to continue in that vein

Since time immemorial, our tzaddikim emphasize that Hashem should be our Best Friend and that we should speak with Him with that idea in mind. 

Rav Avigdor Miller broke this idea into very small steps (such as thinking of Hashem while walking from one utility pole to the next when you're out and about or telling Hashem at least once a day "I love You"). 

Here is more from Rav Miller about it:

• Why Does Hashem Want Us to Talk to Him So Much?
• A 60-Second Exercise to Fulfill Your Main Purpose in Life

And most of us are probably familiar with Rebbe Nachman of Breslov's focus on speaking with Hashem for 1 hour a day — which is simplified even further by Rav Arush's advice to break it up into 20-minute increments of gratitude, confession, and requests.

This hour is the minimum, by the way. Any spare moment we have should be dedicated to some kind of connection with Hashem. Needless to say, I am not on the level where I do this myself with any kind of regularity, but this is excellent advice for the direction in which we should be going, so I'm passing it on.

We're all in this together & we're all learning on whatever level we're at as we go along.

And Rav Arush simplifies this even more by reassuring people of the power of just saying "Thank you."

He even recommended that one unhappy & struggling woman should write down a list of 20 things per day — how long does that take? Not long at all; you could even do it in a minute.

And despite minor differences in methodology (to accommodate the different needs of different soul-roots), it's also important to note where they're similar.

Everyone believes in developing a relationship with Hashem.

Everyone believes in speaking with Hashem as a loving Father or Friend.

For example, the Lubavitcher Tanya cautions against self-denigration for more than an hour a day. I can't remember where exactly — maybe it's in Igeret Hateshuvah: Chapter 7 (see note 17 also) and/or Likutei Amarim: Chapter 31 — and from the Tanya, it seems this hour is derived from the famous Talmudic statement: "One hour of teshuvah with good deeds in this world is better than all the life of the World to Come."

(I love the Tanya, but am not so familiar with it. So if anyone has anything to correct here or to add, please feel free.)

Likewise, one of the late Breslover tzaddikim, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, also cautioned against doing a cheshbon hanefesh for more than an hour a day.

(Some people spend much of their day attacked by thoughts of self-hatred and self-condemnation — wrong. According to our Sages, that is not remotely holy.)

And based on ancient sources, Rav Itamar Schwartz also discusses a way of speaking to Hashem:
Talking with Hashem

The first part is the fascinating idea behind talking to Hashem, but if you wish to skip down to the practical application, please scroll down to the section entitled: How to Talk to Hashem.

For further understanding, it's important to read the entire Q&A at the end, and also the last footnote.

Rav Schwartz advises starting with just 30 seconds a day and offers suggestions for what to talk about and how to do it, plus how to shift your mindset to make it all possible.

Yes, we're a very talkative generation (as Rav Schwartz explains that the time of Mashiach connects to siach — conversation — which is what many of us are experiencing).

However, the upcoming generation is increasingly limiting their conversation to the most superficial kind. If you look at a teenager's WhatsApp, for example, you'll see endless rows of "LOL!" and brief sentences of text-spelling ("how ru?" "im gr8!!") and emoticons.

☺♥☼‼

Today's secular teenagers spend more time on their phones than they do at the malls. An increasing number delay getting a drivers license because sitting in their bedroom with their phone is more enticing than anywhere they could go.

However, even these mostly meaningless textspeak emoticon-laden exchanges still demonstrate a need for connection — even if it's a very superficial and kept-at-arm's-length connection.

In fact, their need for connection is so intense that they keep up these unhealthy connections even when it drives them to suicide (which occurs now more than ever before).

Needless to say, the underlying drive for this connection is really for a connection to Hashem, but the goal gets distorted along the way due to all the surrounding tumah.

So when developing a speaking relationship with Hashem, it's important to try different methods to find what works for you.

For many of us, this kind of intimate spoken connection is becoming less and less natural, so anything we do in this direction (including just 30 seconds!!!) is a tremendous accomplishment.

And it places us in an upper 1% in which we can truly take pleasure.

I don't remember when I first heard of the 4-Elements theory of personality.

The idea of both nature and the human psyche being rooted in the 4 elements of fire, water, air, and earth is something you hear about from time to time because it was very popular among ancient Greek philosophers.

Later, I realized that ancient Jewish Sages also discussed the 4 elements, but I never paid much attention until reading Ahavat Kedumim (A Commentary on The Lost Princess) by Rav Ofer Erez.

There, Rav Erez presents a brief discussion of the 4 elements as they relate to the human psyche and how to use that knowledge for middot work.

That's when I realized this was a big thing in Judaism.

This realization was strengthened upon encountering Rav Itamar Schwartz's writings. Rav Schwartz leans heavily toward using the 4 elements as a tool to do teshuvah and rectify one's soul at the deepest level.

Also, Rav Schwartz provides a list of where the 4 elements are rooted in Jewish sources: Torah Sources of the 4 Elements (Hebrew Only).

It's important to note that even if a Torah book was only printed later, most of its sources are rooted in even more ancient sources that were either transmitted orally or written down in a book that got lost over the millennia.

(For example, some sources say that Avraham Avinu wrote several books and only one is said to be in existence today, but we no longer have the rest of them. Please see HERE for mention of that.)

Also, in Hebrew, the 4 elements are often referred in various sources as the 4 yesodot — but also the 4 yesodin, the 4 teva'im, or the 4 gufim, and maybe other terms. 

If you look on page 3, section bet/2 of the above-linked pamphlet of sources, you'll see that Sefer Yetzirah Perek 3: Mishna 3 mentions the 3 amot (air, water, fire), stating that the heavens were initially created from fire, and the land (earth) was created from water, and that air is the a type of defining buffer between the fire and the water.

It explains other things about it too.

Anyway, I started to realize that the 4 Elements was an authentically Jewish way to understand personality and middot, and I started reading what Rav Schwartz says about it, yet I couldn't pin down my own elements and got lost in it all.

To use the system correctly, it's essential to know your base element and then the main influencing element, and then the next influence after that, and so on.

Recently, Rivka Levy published a new self-help book called People Smarts: The System: Understand yourself, understand others, and crush your stress.

If you think about it, the influence of the yetzer hara is truly bizarre.

For example, if you make a slow, thoughtful bracha with real kavanah before eating, the food tastes so much better.

Saying a heartfelt bracha before eating enhances both our physical & emotional pleasure.

Yet we struggle to remember to say a bracha with kavanah, and many brachot are said by rote with little awareness of what we are saying.

Yet the 15 seconds it takes to say a really geshmak bracha which enhances the taste of the food — that's too difficult? Not desirable enough? 

It's irrational if you think about it, yet extremely common.

I really noticed this when I started saying 1 perek of Tehillim a day with heartfelt kavanah. (You read about how that started here: Saying Tehillim: Getting Back to the Barest Basics.)

Not only did I say the Tehillim with careful kavanah, but also felt a desire to go through it again and discuss it with Hashem each time.

Needless to say, it is an enjoyable & meaningful experience.

Really taking my time over each verse and using the Metzudah translation & explanation, plus sometimes the classic commentaries, I'm finding new meaning in verses I've been saying for decades, including verses I thought I already understood well. 

For example, Tehillim 19 came to vibrant life in a completely new way — as if I'd never read it before.

The experience is absolutely delicious.

I haven't timed how long each perek takes, but I think it's around 10-15 minutes. 

Yet surprisingly, I found myself skipping it completely a couple of times.

Or sometimes, I only managed to say it right at the end of the day.

And I found myself saying, "I couldn't find the time" or "The day just flew by and I never managed to do it."

Really? Throughout an entire day, I never had 15 minutes to spare? Or maybe even 5 to just say the Tehillim with kavanah without the follow-up discussion?

It's true that some days are jam-packed and we don't have a moment to think, let alone sit down and do something meaningful.

But the realization hit that I was pushing it off because it felt "heavy." There was an emotional difficulty to it.

So if it's so short, easy, and deliciously satisfying, why not rush to do it the moment I have even a minute of spare time?

How could something so deliciously satifying feel "heavy"?

Yetzer hara.

It ruins everything.

It makes even the most enjoyable things look like a drag UNTIL you actually do them!

Another huge, yet totally irrational yetzer hara is the one against tsniyut (dressing and behaving in a dignified, modest manner).

Men are obligated in tsniyus too, but women even more so.

(Just like how men are obligated more in certain mitzvot, like praying in a minyan regardless of weather or convenience, keeping his payos even when he's balding & would like to shave it all off like all the really cool secular and non-Jewish guys do to cover their balding, wearing tzitzit no matter how hot it is outside, etc.)

Rebbetzin Heller once mentioned an old photo she saw of herself and her friends in their younger days. They wore skirts that weren't long enough (fashionable in that decade), so they are pulling them down in the picture, maybe sitting kind of cramped to really cover those knees, and are wearing the big clunky shoes fashionable then.

They looked awful, she thought (maybe not her exact words, but approximately). Yet at the time, they were very into dressing like this back then.

And this is so often true of non-tsniyus clothing.

A lot of immodest clothing looks bad or makes us look bad, yet some are mosser nefesh to wear this, spending extra money and risking their Olam Haba (not to mention social disapproval in some cases or problems with her school) for this.

Around 20 years ago, short narrow stiff shirts came in style. They didn't look good on anyone because it made the body look awkward and disproportional.

Also, most women are pear-shaped and the hem of the shirt hit right before the hips, which is unflattering to most and really not modest or dignified.

They didn't even look good on slender girls because of the shirt's shape.

Interestingly, I noticed that the shirt only looked good on short plump girls because they needed the shirt a few sizes bigger, which made it the right length on them and was no longer disproportionate.

It was such an ugly and untsniyus style (especially the short length), I thought it would go out of fashion quickly. But to my surprise, it hung around for about 15 years!

I rarely found a top I could wear during that time.

It also wasn't tsniyus unless you wore a very wide skirt, but even then...

If the wearer bent over at all, the back of the shirt slid up, which revealed the completely forbidden torso area.

If the wearer raised her arm at all, the shirt also often slid up too far.

Once, I was on the bus behind a beautiful young woman, obviously frum. Her hair, nails, and posture announced that she cared very much about looking just right and that she invested a lot of effort in looking good.

When she stood up to go, she leaned over to pick up the bag on the seat next to her (which means she wasn't even bending over so far), yet the shirt went up so much, I was really shocked...

...to see what a hairy back she had!

I had never seen such a hairy back on girl before, a layer of such thick black hairs for a girl, and didn't know that such a thing existed.

I felt mortified on her behalf, even though she had no clue she'd just exposed her hirsute back to anyone behind her.

I can't imagine she would've felt fine with that, especially not when her eyebrows were so carefully sculpted with nary a facial hair to be seen either.

If she had any idea that could happen, I'm sure she never would wear such a shirt (or she would at least wear a longer shirt under it).

And I guess it says a lot about both of us that her hairy back (hairiness isn't forbidden at all in halacha) is considered more mortifying than the total breech of tsniyus. (There is no heter for a woman to reveal her torso area.)

See how the yetzer hara totally messes with our minds?

And what about skirts?

Long, wide skirts are infinitely more comfortable & convenient than short skirts — and also more than narrow skirts, even if they have a slit.

Especially if the wearer constantly needs to tug down the short skirt as she walks. Very inconvenient & awkward-looking.

In hot weather, long loose skirts allow the air to circulate and cool the body, which is one reason why Arab men traditionally wear them.

Unfortunately, a skirt came into style a few years ago (and has not yet disappeared) that looks completely tsniyus on the hanger. It's more than wide enough and definitely covers the knee.

The problem is, it doesn't cover much more than that.

Because the hem is flouncy and the skirt is so loose, I think it's hard to tell even when trying it on that it's actually too short.

It's a real optical illusion for a skirt, something I never saw before.

And the slightest breeze or movement causes it to fly up.

So if a girl is even just almost running or if there's any wind, you end up seeing a lot more than you bargained for.

​I heard at least one very embarrassing story in which the wind caused this type of skirt to fly up over the girl's face, much to her mortification (because the skirt is wide and not as long as it looks, it catches the wind even when it's not a flimsy fabric). 

Yet so many good frum girls & women wear this skirt.

(Note: Wide ankle-length skirts can also fly up in the wind. Pleated skirts are the least likely, as are straight skirts that aren't too narrow. Tsniyus is so individual, it's hard to come up with hard-and-fast rules that apply to everyone. It's very much intuitive, sort of like the female personality.)

​A lot of married Jewish women really struggle with covering their hair.

​A caring & spiritually sensitive reader sent me a link to an article on the great protection provided to a married Jewish woman for covering her hair properly.

(Thank you, caring & spiritually sensitive reader!)

Corona means "crown" or "crown-shaped."

In astronomy, the corona is the gaseous envelope of the Sun, usually only visible during a solar eclipse when the pearly glow of the Sun's corona surrounds the dark disc of the Sun...

...sort of like how a Jewish women's hair-covering surrounds her head. 

Interestingly, cameras that can photograph auras also capture an enhanced aura around the covered hair of a married Jewish woman, very much like the stunning corona of the Sun. (Please see The Human Aura for more.)

Also, the Kli Yakar compares righteous woman to the Sun, considering righteous woman as essential to the world's existence as the Sun itself.

​(Please see for more about that here The Kli Yakar - Parshat Chayei Sara and scroll down to the end.)

According to the article, the corona of coronavirus hints to the unique protection Hashem endowed women by bequeathing Jewish women with the mitzvah.​

And this should give us pause for some thought.

When I was first becoming frum decades ago, a newly married acquaintance showed up to shul wearing a baseball cap with her hair stuffed up underneath.

(A real New York Yankees-type baseball cap, not one of those brimmed hats for women.)

I derided it to an older friend of mine because I thought it so sloppy & undignified in general, and especially inappropriate for shul on Shabbos.

(This was outright lashon hara, by the way, and I should never have said a word about my thoughts. Assur, assur, assur.)

But my older friend stopped me short and said: "No. Covering your hair is HARD. If she's covering her hair, then you cannot criticize her. Some women won't cover their hair at all unless they can wear a baseball cap. So never criticize a woman who is covering her hair al pi halacha. Her hair was actually all covered, right?"

Yeah, it nearly all was, surprisingly, considering that baseball caps aren't really made for that.

"So there's no room to criticize her."

​And that was that.

At that point, I hadn't realized that covering hair was so hard for some people, and I especially did not realize that even a frum-from-birth woman (like the baseball-cap-wearer) might find hair-covering a very challenging mitzvah.

But some do.

​And whoever doesn't have that particular challenge has her own challenges in another area.

It's good to know this and be more aware of other people's challenges, even though I still don't think baseball caps are dignified headwear for daughters of the King.

But sure, they ARE a million times better than nothing.

(And I think they're also much better than these knock-your-eyes-out long luxurious shaitels.)

For me the idea of covering my hair wasn't hard at all; it was even fun — although when I stopped wearing shaitels, I struggled to find a hair-covering that was convenient to use, looked nice, and was dressy enough to wear to weddings.

That aspect was my hair-covering challenge.

But I never felt I didn't want to cover my hair; I did, but struggled to find the most compatible solution for a couple of years.

When pre-tied headscarves came into fashion, my hair-covering frustrations vaporized as if they never existed. Thanks, Hashem!

But it's true that some women really dislike covering their hair, no matter what.

This is despite the fact that hats, shaitels, and pre-tied scarves are so much easier as far as convenience & maintenance go — much less fuss because they're all ready to go and you don't need to do much except make sure they're not crooked when you put them on.

You don't need to worry about bad hair days (although bad shaitel days do exist, as do days when you just can't tie the scarf evenly or when the pre-tied scarf isn't sewn properly — actually, I'm not coordinated enough to tie a scarf properly so I was always having bad-hairscarf days until the pre-tied came along).

When you cover your hair, you don't need to worry about dandruff, limp hair, dry hair, hair crazy with static, brillo hair, gray hair, or hair-thinning & female baldness.

Redhead women who didn't enjoy being redheads finally found relief when they could don a brunette or auburn shaitel.

When I was still single, I often held my hair back with a scarf (not outside, but if I was reading or cleaning) because my hair bothered me when it hung in my face and a ponytail was too uncomfortable or the ponytail didn't catch all the shorter hairs around my face that were still long enough to bother me. A scarf around my head did the trick.

Also, I remember when a 60something woman took off her shaitel next to me as we were at a shaitel macher together. 

I was shocked to see this elegant dignified woman was bald except for a few tufts of hair and then a thick lock of gray hair above her forehead, into which she inserted the little comb of her shaitel to hold it on to her head.

So there are lots of enjoyable reasons about covering hair, but it's true that a great many women find it extremely difficult, emotionally speaking, and find all sorts of reasons why they can't, or why they can't do so properly, or even why they stop doing so after having done so for years.  

Please note: I am NOT talking about people who are just getting started in tsniyus and still trying to find their way (sometimes coupled with extreme opposition by friends & family members, especially an anti-haircovering husband). 

That's tsniyus-in-progress and NOT the same as someone who is already firmly grounded in frumkeit (whether they're FFB or came to it later) and gets married knowing this is a halachic obligation, yet still gets really upset about it. 

The other extreme is the women who spend thousands of dollars on a shaitel that looks exactly like real hair and is styled and colored to knock your eyes out.

Because covering hair is hard, they reason, you need to feel good about it. Like, Las-Vegas-showgirl-good.

Or they mistakenly assume that va-va-voom is a kiddush Hashem.

(Seriously. It's very common for women to think that looking like a total babe is a kiddush Hashem. They mean this in all innocence. Strange how their husbands never try to disabuse them of this notion, which of course the husband, being a man, knows how she really appears in the eyes of others & Hashem. Hmm...)

BTW, really long hair is an incredible nuisance. These elbow-length or waist-length shaitels are clearly yetzer hara because they aren't tsniyus and they aren't comfortable and they're exorbitantly expensive.

​Or the shaitels that have tons of hair piled up like a beehive tower. VERY uncomfortable. And exorbitantly expensive.

Meaning, there's no advantage to them except to be eye-catching & turn heads. It's a weird phenomenon.

And just to be fair, let's take a quick look at those who have actual sensory problems with hair-covering: There IS a minority of women whose hair grows in the opposite direction and they experience anything from minor discomfort to actual pain when covering their hair.

This can also go with having a sensitive head; these women struggled when wearing barrettes or headbands as little girls. 

This is a genuinely challenging situation. No joke.

They're still obligated, however.

​And yes, they need to be more flexible when looking for solutions.

But one woman who wore either shaitels (one of the least comfortable things to wear if your hair grows the wrong way) or berets told me that because her hair grows the wrong way, it's a real mesirut nefesh for her to cover her hair.

She's in constant discomfort.

​But she did it. She always did it and she never stopped. And you should know that she is receiving MASSIVE reward just for this. 

Believe me, if Jewish Law ordered women to NOT to cover our hair or if it commanded us to wear revealing clothing, we'd complain about how hard it is like:

• "I can never have a bad hair day because I'm forbidden to cover my hair so I always have to invest so much to make sure it looks nice!"
• "I get so cold when I can't cover my hair!"
• "Exposing my hair all the time is bad for it — all that sun dries it out!"
• ​"I'm experiencing female old-age balding, but the rabbis refuse to let me hide it under a head-covering!"
• "My really long hair keeps getting in the way; I wish I could restrain it somehow."
• "I have really hairy back, yet I'm not allowed to cover it!"
• "The pigment and dry skin of my elbows makes them look black and dirty all the time, yet I'm not allowed to cover them — so embarrassing!"

Right?

And that's how the yetzer hara works.

True, I don't have a hair-covering yetzer hara, but I have other yetzer haras (like the one trying to stop me from saying Tehillim with kavanah — even just 1 perek a day!).

I have my own battles (like how I spend my time & how I eat), which end up being hour-by-hour battles throughout the entire day.

And the next day, I wake up knowing I have to start them all over again from the beginning.

​That's how it is until you win that particular battle and move on to your next level.

We all have this.

In short:

• The yetzer hara strives to convince us that something genuinely enjoyable & fulfilling is a drag.

 

• And yetzer hara equally strives to convince us that something annoying, inconvenient, expensive, bad-mood-inducing (like Facebook or any news outlet), and embarrassing is the most desirable thing in the world.

Our job is to embrace what we truly enjoy and find both rewarding & fulfilling despite the obstacles.​