It's always weird to apologize on a blog. You don't even know the vast majority of your readers.
But just the same, I am sorry if anything I wrote here hurt you in some way. My intention is always to build and not to destroy, but sometimes good intentions just aren't enough and hurtful messages come out anyway.
So I hope that you, whoever you are wherever you are, will take this as a personal apology.
And thanks for reading and thanks also to all who've left comments.
I really appreciate your readership and your thoughts.

May we all have a sweet year!
________________________
Some articles that can contribute to having a meaningful Rosh Hashanah:
14 Ways to Sweeten Dinim
Dr. Ballen's Really Helpful SWAP Tool

I've written a lot on the importance and power of thanking Hashem, even for exasperating and painful events.

But it's really not easy.

If something is genuinely overwhelming, infuriating, and horrible, it's extremely painful to thank Hashem for it. Even if you know everything Hashem does is for your own good, some things are just over the top.

But I force myself to do so anyway (most of the time...) and it really does sweeten and lighten the harsh things in life.

Rav Arush says that even if your "thank you" is dry, it's still effective.

And I can personally attest to the truth of this.

Even if you're full of resentment, just the act of lip-service that it is somehow for your best impacts you in profound ways you may not immediately sense.

The mere act of expressing gratitude toward God in the most exasperating times kindles a high-octane spark that can ignite tremendous blessing.

This is true even if you have to grit your teeth to do it and every fiber of your being is screaming, "NO I HATE THIS!!!!!!!"

In the interest of full disclosure, here is a self-portrait of how I sometimes express my gratitude to Hashem in overwhelmingly trying times:

This is perfectly acceptable.

I'm only human and so are you.

So don't despair.

Just take that step and you'll eventually reap blessing!

It took me ages to realize that I was giving the benefit of the doubt in the wrong manner. If being dan l’kaf zechut leads to chanifah (often translated as “flattery”), then it’s harmful.

Chanifah is strictly forbidden by the Torah.

(Shortcut explanation of chanifah: It’s basically any time you give the impression that the forbidden is permissible.)

Judging favorably is a popular topic in frum lectures, books, and articles.

Most of material on giving the benefit of the doubt promotes the theme of “Things Aren’t What They Seem.”

In other words, the suspicious-looking person is indeed innocent or truly not at fault.

As long as the assumption of innocence won’t harm you or anyone else, you are indeed obligated to believe the best of the other person. And some inconvenience is okay to risk, but potential harm demands precautions.

So it’s okay to say to yourself (and to Hashem!): “I don’t know.” Or, “I’m just not sure. I can’t decide how much to give the benefit of the doubt here.”

If you’re from America or Great Britain, you’ll probably want things to be black-and-white, you'll want to act with confidence, and just have a pat solution of how to proceed. This reaction is because of the surrounding culture.

But it’s perfectly okay to be uncertain.

The second popular category is the idea that a person “just doesn’t know” or that the person’s difficult experiences, whether past or present, justify the dysfunctional behavior.

If a person truly does not know, then that’s understandable. We all fall into that category sometimes. And while it is some excuse, damage is still done.

For example, I’ve known of otherwise shomer Shabbat Jews who put their cholent in the fridge overnight and then transferred it to the electric platter Shabbat morning.

Totally forbidden.

Are they bad people? Not at all!

Should you eat at their house? Are they allowed to eat their own cholent? A halachic authority needs to be asked. Shabbat transgression is still taking place even though they honestly did not know. They’re not evil or heretical, but it’s still a problem.

The problem comes when someone does know better. Sometimes, they even admit this outright, usually in a joking manner, like saying how fun it is to hurt people or how easy you make it for them to criticize you, or how you or someone else really deserves “it”…

At this point, if you confide in someone about it, you’ll probably be introduced to the “going/gone through a hard time” excuse.

Like Popular Benefit #1, "hard-knock life" can indeed justify a certain amount of less-than-ideal behavior.

Someone in physical pain or ill or going through trying times with their marriage, children, or finances may truly be unable to smile and greet you warmly, watch their children properly, or pay attention properly within a conversation.

They can talk too much or too little, eat too much or too little, struggle to arrive to appointments on time, be brusque when dealing with people, and so on.

This excuse works well in a situations in which the other person is truly overwhelmed and probably wants to be better, but just can’t make it there.

However, this does not justify stealing (or being a willing and aware party to unethical situations), any kind of abuse, nastiness, embarrassing people, or any other forbidden behavior.

I think we can all say that we’ve taken out a bad mood on an innocent person and that we were wrong. Fine. That happens. You apologize, sincerely take measures to prevent it from happening again, and go on with your life. No one’s perfect.

The problem comes when people behave this way for years. And everyone will dance around this person’s victims chanting, “She doesn’t know! He’s struggling in his marriage! She had a difficult childhood! He’s having financial problems!”

So…it’s wrong to do this.

I cannot emphasize enough how every mussar sefer and how Rav Levi Yitzchak himself says that you cannot join with such people.

Yes, you should be courteous to them! You must be careful not to embarrass them or any other behavior the Torah forbids.

Rav Levi Yitzchack says that if a person is truly wicked, you cannot even join him in thought--you can't even think much about him!

Rav Levi Yitzchak explains:

So what do you do?

The Torah itself commands you to judge others on the side of merit.

You must do so. The question is, how?

Here are 3 ways:

• 1) You tell Hashem how, from the other person’s point of view, they feel their behavior is completely appropriate. (Note: You are NOT saying that it is appropriate. Wrong is wrong. You are simply telling Hashem how from THEIR point of view, it seems okay in THEIR eyes. Not in your eyes, not in Hashem’s eyes—THEIR eyes.)

(This is directly advised in Likutei Moharan I:6)

• 2) You find a positive aspect in their negative behavior: “His penchant for mockery would be great if used against avodah zarah—may it be Your Will that he channels it for the good!”

 

• 3) You can find a good point that has nothing to do with the bad behavior, i.e.: “She is genuinely kind and intuitive toward elderly people.”

Once you find a person’s good point—at least one—then you open the door for them to return to the right path and fulfill all their wonderful potential.

It’s a deceptively powerful act.

Of one who finds positive aspects in others, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender says:

And this is the correct way to give the benefit of the doubt and judge favorably.

We want to effect real change in the world and this one of the best ways to do it.
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Practical Powerful Tool to Transform the World:
Make a list (mental or written) of people you simply hate, or who have hurt or betrayed or even just mildly annoyed you, then go down the list and judge each person on the side of merit using at least one of the above 3 strategies.

I wanted to give some personal examples of how prayer and cheshbon hanefesh worked for a normal, flawed person who doesn’t spend as much time as she should talking to Hashem and living in full emuna. (Yes, I mean me.)

So…I have a son who fit the classic ADHD profile since toddlerhood. Having said that, he's still a delight to be around because he’s loyal, compassionate, courageous, friendly, and has a happy heart.

His teachers have genuinely liked him because of these qualities, even as they noted he had a hard time sitting still and tends to socialize during class halfway through the day.

One teacher, who taught him a couple of years ago, felt he should be on Ritalin. The teacher meant well, but I disagreed with his recommendation and the teacher ended up not pushing it.

But then over summer vacation, this same teacher ended up giving my husband a ride and spent the journey inundating my husband with compelling reasons why this child needs Ritalin.

As I said, the reasons were compelling and the well-meaning teacher spoke from his heart. So since that ride, my husband periodically brought up what he sees as the need to take our son to the doctor and get a Ritalin prescription.

I kept holding out.

I prayed about it, but nothing major.

Suddenly, this same child came home from school with a note from this year’s teacher proclaiming that our son was the best listener in class that week.

This note pretty much put an end to any more thoughts of Ritalin for this child.

I could not have worked the situations this way.

First of all, I wouldn’t have thought of creating a note davka about being him a good listener.

Secondly, there is no way for me to force a teacher to write such a note and to write it with such good timing.

Only Hashem can arrange something like this.

While taking a Shabbat walk one night, my son revealed that the teacher he’d had several years ago was just terrible.

I felt awful upon realizing that due to my involvement with another child at that time (who was seriously acting out and getting kicked out of schools, and skipping class when he was in school, and getting into trouble), this child had been neglected—and there was nothing I could do it about now.

It was all in the past with no way to remedy the situation now.

So I just listened to him, validated his feelings, and told him how sorry I was that I’d missed the ball with him back then.

It was hard listening to him because all his words about his anger and hatred of that teacher were like daggers in my heart, accusations against me in my mind (although he wasn’t blaming me at all and on the contrary, really enjoyed getting it all off his chest).

But I felt the least I could do to make it up to him was to listen empathetically to him.

(Just so you know, it wasn’t things like physical abuse. He just felt that the teacher didn’t like him, was trying to separate his best friend from him, and handed out odd punishments like, “Write I will not speak in the middle of a lesson ten thousand times.”)

So like I said, I apologized to him, which is the first thing you do when you’ve sinned against a person.

But later at home, I also spoke about with Hashem and told Him how sorry I was for not involving Hashem more at that time and for neglecting this child in that way, and how I could be better in the future. I asked Hashem to heal my son’s nefesh regarding this issue, and so on.

A while later, the same teacher suddenly walked into this child’s classroom as a substitute teacher one day. But before he did anything else, he sat down and made a public apology before the entire class. 

It went along the lines of: “Before anything else, I want you all to know that when I taught you a couple of years ago, I feel like I transgressed against you. I wasn’t the best teacher I could have been and I behaved wrongly in certain situations and treated some of you unfairly. I am truly sorry. I wouldn’t do now what I did then. If I made any of you feel bad in any way, please know that you are not bad at all and you shouldn’t feel bad about yourself. You’re actually very good and I was wrong. If any of you have anything you’d like to discuss with me, anything you feel you need closure on, that you’d like to discuss in private, I hope you’ll feel comfortable approaching me about it so that I can make it up to you.”

I’ve never heard of a teacher doing anything like this before.

This humbling speech from the heart rectified everything for my son. He instinctively let go of his grudges and hatred and truly forgave this teacher.

And now he likes this man a lot.

My son even found many merits for this teacher and excused him for his former behavior due to the stresses in his life. No one told my son to give his former teacher the benefit of doubt; it occurred naturally, inspired by the sincere apology from the teacher.

So again, I ask you: Is there any possible way I could have set this up?

Even had I spoken to the teacher myself, could anything I have said ever elicted this response of true teshuvah and sincere apology from the teacher?
Could I have I sent the “right” person to elict the response from the teacher?
Could I have imagined the teacher making a public confession and apology to the children themselves?
Could I have set up something so healing for the child?

No, no, no, and no.

Only Hashem can orchestrate things to work this way.

Now, did I invest in copious hitbodedut regarding these issues?

No.

Needless to say, sometimes you do need to invest in hours of prayer and good deeds and self-introspection just to make a tiny bit of headway in a particular area.

But in the above situations, heroic acts of prayer weren’t necessary. I didn’t even daven about the above every day. In the latter case, I found it too painful to focus on it too much and in the former, I just forgot.

In other words:
You DON'T need to be some spiritually advanced super-special person to get your prayers answered.

You can just be flawed struggling you and STILL merit Heavenly Compassion and Help.

You don’t ALWAYS need to invest heroic feats of spirituality to get your prayers answered.

Okay, sometimes you do. There are things I’ve been davening about for years now and the answer is still, “Not yet.”
And I still face some distressing problems that are hard to even talk to Hashem about.

So some things do demand copious prayer and teshuvah. But not everything!

Hashem just wants your heart.

Just be honest about yourself and show him that you’re willing to accept whatever message He’s giving you about what you need to work on in yourself. And even then, there are many times that Hashem gives us what we ask for without us jumping through even the smallest hoop (other than the mere request).

It depends.

You can’t know ahead of time which prayers will be answered at the drop of a hat and which ones will take years.

And you can’t know what wonderful solution Hashem has planned for you that’s yours just for the asking.
____________
For another story of how Hashem orchestrates the answer to your prayers in a way you could never imagine or arrange on your own, please see:
How Praying for Your Child Can Work

In a previous post, I discussed how different people need different kinds of advice. Along those lines, our individual strengths and weaknesses make it hard to see other people objectively and hence, give them advice that is right for them.

The post discussed 2 groups:
Group #1: Consulted a lot with rabbis, rebbetzins, advisers, etc., and followed the advice with great mesirut nefesh…yet everything kept failing.

Group #2: Consulted with rabbis, rebbetzins, advisers, etc. and then did not follow their advice (or did not consult at all), and now feels major regret because feels the advice was actually right.

The post emphasized that ultimately, these 2 groups still need to turn to Hashem.

• The first group was overdependent on other human beings and took the messages way too literally rather than examining them objectively with Hashem.

 

• The second group ignored the messages (whether from pain or gaavah or confusion) rather than examining them objectively with Hashem.

Yet there’s a third group.

There are people who consulted with rabbis, rebbetzins, chinuch advisors, etc…and things worked out swimmingly! And things worked out EVERY SINGLE TIME!

Woo-hoo! The lucky ones! These are the people who get to star in all those stories of inspiration popular in frum reading!

So what’s their challenge in all this?

It’s sort of like the challenge of wealth, which in some ways is a bigger nisayon than the challenge of poverty.

These people need to have the humility and gratitude to realize Hashem allowed everything to work out for them, and it’s not just because they were so smart and good, and did the “right” thing in consulting with Rabbi or Rebbetzin So-and-So.

Paradoxically, it can be harder for them to really turn directly to Hashem on a regular basis with the same healthy dependence because their situation doesn’t force them to throw all their weight on Hashem.

And this paradox of success is true for all of us.

When anything goes right for us, we tend to look askance at those less fortunate.

It doesn’t matter what it is: shalom bayit, well-behaved children, a well-run home, robust finances, easy pregnancies, smooth births…anything. If it’s going well for us and not for others, then it must be because they must be doing something wrong.
And the oh-so successful me must be doing it all right!

(Okay, it could easily be they’re doing something wrong, but it doesn’t have to be. Or maybe they are doing something wrong, but not in the way you think they are.)

This is human nature and I’m no exception. Yet it needs to be identified and overcome.

If something is wrong in life, that's a challenge from Hashem to help you rectify certain aspects because He loves you so much and wants you to be as fabulous as you can be and earn the best Eternal Life possible.

If something is right in life, that's a gift from Hashem (and also a challenge, as discussed) because He loves you so much and wants you to use your strengths to be as fabulous as you can be and earn the best Eternal Life possible.

We all have areas of strengths and weaknesses.

Maybe you’re failing at your marriage, but you’re really good with your toddlers.

Maybe you’re happily always available for with making nutritious & filling meals for the sick, but have no patience to care for other people’s children.

Interestingly, people tend to expect others to be strong where they are and look down their nose at people who are weak in their strong area, even though these same people are strong in other areas in which you’re weak.

And this really impacts the advice you give to others.

This also really impacts the advice others give to you.

This is why it’s so important to take it all back to Hashem in some version of the following:

Group #1 (my group) can get the message that Hashem is whomping over their head: TURN TO ME.
They can sit down with Hashem as if He is their Good, True Friend and ask Him why this whole disappointing mess is happening.
What’s the message? Are these advisers right? Wrong? A mixture of both?
And even if you stop asking for advice, Hashem still sends you the messages you need in other ways, via other people or experiences (even via spiders).
(Speaking from personal experience…)

Group #2 can sit down with Hashem as if He is their Good, True Friend and ask Him how they should handle the advice they’ve received.
They can admit that their instinctive response is to just fling it all aside and keep going their own way.
Then they can tell Hashem the advice they received and piece it apart point by point to see what they should keep and what they should discard.

Group #3 can sit down with Hashem as if He is their Good, True Friend and thank Him from the bottom of their heart that Hashem has made it so easy for them to get the right advice in all areas. Yishtabach Shemo!
They can also ask that this chessed continues.

For example, there have been aspects that I took pride in over others, but Hashem knocked me off my pedestal to show me that it wasn’t me who was superior, but Him.

Other people have told me they’ve had the same experience.

So it’s essential to take it back to Hashem whether you are hopelessly lost or blessedly found.
________________
So tachlis. What do you do if you belong to any of the above 3 groups?

You turn to Hashem.

And interestingly, all 3 groups can actually respond in more or less the same way.

Please see previous post: Different Courses for Different Horses

Something that gets lost in the discussion of middot or fixing deep-seated issues in society is the reason why people do the wrong thing.

People sin because something about that particular sin makes them feel good.

When that sin becomes a primary goal and something they engage in frequently (and when not actively engaging in it, they think about it or plan with anticipation how to engage in it), we call it "addiction."

In Torah terms, it’s called a “baal [fill-in-the-blank]”—meaning, the person has become an owner of this negative act: baal lashon hara, baal taava, etc.

(This term can also be used positively, such as a “baal chessed” or a “baal tzedakah.”)

For example, every female I’ve ever met who doesn’t dress in a refined and self-respecting manner does so because the “hot” styles make them feel good.

I once saw a young Yerushalmi Yiddish-speaking woman who was slowly deteriorating in her mitzvah observance. I was stunned to see her show up to a Simcha Beit Hashoeva (Sukkot celebration) in a shocking outfit which included fishnet stockings (!!!). But she obviously had no idea what she represented. She just felt good.

This can be very innocent.

As another example, a woman may genuinely love the color fuchsia and love how she feels when she’s wearing it as a dress, a sequined hair-covering and as nail polish. She’s not thinking, “Ooh, now everyone will gawk at me; I just love attracting stares!”

No, she’s just thinking that wearing her favorite color boosts her mood.

Same thing with long, swoopy eye-catching looks-EXACTLY-like-real-hair shaitels. The wearer simply like how she looks in it. She feels GOOD in that shaitel! Or maybe she also likes the idea of being what her society considers stylish.
A lot of times, just by virtue of being the latest fashion somehow makes something attractive.
I feel it and I can’t help noticing that a lot of people seem to feel it too.

And yes, sometimes it's out of rebellion...which also feels good to some people!

The same mechanism is operating with addictions everyone realizes are bad, like with alcohol or drugs.

But this is also true with behavior.

For example, it took me a long time to realize that people who frequently put others down actually enjoy it. Sure, they might feel a twinge of shame, especially if they get called on their hurtful behavior. But a part of them feels good.

Ditto for people who lose their tempers easily. Again, I was shocked to see that they actually feel good and don't even feel so guilty about their loss of control. The fury is a release of tension and they feel powerful, especially when they see how people cater to them because of their temper.

With bulimics, the physiological result of vomiting is similar to having a really good yell at someone. So if a bulimic feels bad or angry, vomiting gets the physiological effect of screaming at someone without hurting anybody or risking confrontation.

This is why scaring people into being good often doesn’t work, especially for the long term. Even if it does work (or the sinner hits bottom), they often just go on to another negative habit.

Why? Because deep down, people can't stand the thought of living what feels like an empty, boring, or miserable life for the rest of their life.

For example, AA meetings are often filled with people who took up smoking when they quit drinking. And a lot of smokers gain weight when they stop smoking.

Another example: I know parents who stopped hitting their kids and started ignoring them instead.

When someone I know calmly told a long-time friend that her frequent put-downs were unacceptable, she seemed to stop, but in reality, she just went underground and turned passive-aggressive.

Later, when she went on Prozac and the insulting behavior returned (although now with Prozac-induced exuberance), the other person tried to respond by gently confronting her on the spot each time she did it. Then she gradually cut off contact with her "friend." Later, she decided to speak to her and explain why she couldn’t maintain any further relationship with her (and yes, she did tell her that the Prozac had something to do with her behavior, as a way to give her the benefit of the doubt).

But the errant friend had no idea what the other was talking about and could not think of anything she’d ever done that was wrong. Even as she said this, she still delivered mild put-downs of which she genuinely seemed unaware. (This is called “emotional blunting,” by the way, when you cannot feel how your behavior is impacting another person. It’s another Prozac side effect.)

And the offended party couldn’t push her on the issue because Prozac isn’t foolproof and who wants to be the catalyst if a Prozac-user would end up harming herself in any way?

The truth is, that person can’t get off Prozac. It makes her feel too good. And the friend she kept hurting has nothing better to offer her as far as “feel good” goes. No one does! For her, it’s worth it for her to engage in hurtful behavior of which she claims to be completely unaware and it’s worth it for her to lose a friend. Without the Prozac, she just feels too bad and unhappy and there is NOTHING that makes her feel as good as Prozac.

And I do understand that.

And this is why people can spend too much time on blogs, videos, Facebook, Twitter, the news, or literally anything else. It feels good!

So when you’re trying to influence someone (including yourself!) to change a behavior, it’s important to keep this "feel-good factor" in mind.

And maybe there isn’t anything else in their life that makes them feel as good as…

• pizza and ice cream
• vomiting
• drinking
• opium
• meds
• getting angry
• criticizing and nitpicking
• sniping
• lashon hara
• tight skirts and sparkly deeply orange lipstick
• secular novels
• secular music
• shopping
• tweeting
• podcasts
• facebooking
• commenting
• staring at women
• dressing immodestly
• watching cat videos
• reading the news
• talking
• workaholism
• sleeping
• jeering
• anything else you can think of

Then people have a hard time because they sense or may even actively realize what they’re doing is wrong, but they can’t stop themselves because they have nothing else that feels as good.

For example, fat people suffer health problems and shame about their appearance, but find it hard to diet. Angry or snipey people destroy their relationships and they know that halacha exhorts against such behavior, but they don't stop. And the same goes for all the above behaviors.

You can feel bad about your addiction or sin, but stopping it feels even worse.

And even though people like to wax lyrical about:

• the beauty of sunsets
• spending time with the people you love most in your life
• doing what you love (as a hobby or a career) and so on...

...the fact of the matter is that many people DON’T find beautiful sunsets or walks in the woods or their hobby/career or the people they love most as compelling as the above.

Some people even find these things boring. What’s harder is when the people you love most (like your parents, spouse, children, or “friends”) even make you feel bad about yourself or when your career or hobby proves unfulfilling. It depends.

This is why forming a relationship with Hashem is so important. Talking to Him as if He’s your Good True Friend is vital in conquering your inclination for the lesser things in life.
_______________
But having said that, connecting to Hashem can still be a moment-by-moment challenge, especially when the talks feel “dry” or when you’re having a hard time settling your mind and not daydreaming or feeling pressed to do something else.

But I just don’t see another way.
All the lesser stuff has become too compelling and too accessible.

Some of it is even lauded in secular society as a good thing to do.

So it’s really good to just try bonding with God despite all the compelling stuff.

The effort alone is very precious in Shamayim.

It’s always a bit problematic to talk about why some kind of disaster happened to someone or to a group of people. It’s a kind of finger-pointing that seems holier-than-thou, and who am I to point even a pinky? I'm pretty flawed myself.

However, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the destruction in the Caribbean while reading last week’s Haftarah (Yeshayahu/Isaiah 60:1-22) for Parshat Ki Tavo.

Verse 60:2 reads:

Malbim defines choshech specifically as “an obstruction of sunshine.”
Arafel in Modern Hebrew refers to “fog,” which is dense cloudiness. I seem to remember arafel meaning a thick gloomy cloud in Tanach.
Malbim describes a le’um (plural: le’umim) specifically as a group united by the same religion or belief system.

(In contrast, Malbim explains that Am, which is also translated as “nation” refers to a group of people living under a common government; they don’t necessarily share the same belief system or religion.)

Hurricane Irma didn’t necessarily make things dark in the Caribbean, but it did obstruct the Sun to some extent. Certainly, there was massive clouding with a hurricane that more than covered entire islands.

And while the Caribbean is populated by different religions, there is a strain of voodoo and other occultic witchrafty belief systems running through that part of the world. I mean, the area is known for that. And people can go to church, but also practice this stuff on the side. Of course Western Christians oppose voodoo stuff, but in places where the original belief system was occultic (like Africa and the Caribbean), many of proclaiming to be Christian do incorporate occultic elements into their Christian belief system.

The other thing popular in that part of the world is licentious behavior. In fact, there is a brand of Caribbean tourism which specifically caters to this.

Furthermore, what Hashem has done in the past century is introduce the Tanach to non-Jews around the world in every language. Yes, it was often introduced through Christian missionaries. But the point is that a great many people have been able to read the Tanach in their own language. While a tremendous amount is lost through translation, you can still get the gist that there is only One God and He hates witchcraft and occultism and idol worship and licentious behavior.

You can also get a sense of the consequences that await people (Jewish or not) who choose to run after that which God hates and has forbidden.

Furthermore, Chabad has been active in the Caribbean and Chabad promotes Noachide Laws to the non-Jews in whatever area they are found. I’ve even seen Chabad trailers with the Seven Noachide Laws printed from top to bottom. I don’t know if Chabad goes around with those vehicles in the Caribbean specifically, but my point is that Chabad promotes these values for all to see and hear.

And Hashem is very, very patient. He gives people so much time, even generations, to take the tiniest baby-steps toward the Truth.

Yet spiritual physics are what they are. At some point the measure fills up and the consequences spill over.

Verse 9 continues:

Again, the mention of islands is significant because during the week in which this haftarah fell, that’s what Hurricane Irma hit: islands.

The kind of hope mentioned (yikavu) is the root of the word tikvah.
Malbim defines tikvah as “expects something unclear, but hopes it’s good.”

What better describes the hope of those islanders before or during last week’s hurricane?

Needles to say, I am truly sorry for the human suffering, for the people who died in slow terror of roaring winds and rushing ocean waters, and for the innocent babies and Jews and Noachides who suffered destruction because of the society surrounding them.

But I didn’t invent these spiritual physics.

Hashem exhorts us repeatedly for generations regarding the behavior He expects of us.
I’m just reporting on what He says and what we’re seeing.

May we all return to the One True Creator with love and emuna.

Of course Elul and Av did not switch places.

But at first, it felt like they did.

Av is always a hard month for me and a time when I really struggle to overcome the inner lion roaring to get out.
(Please see How to Deal with the Mazal of Crabby Tammuz and Savage Av for more about Av's "inner lion.")

But mostly, this Av saw me making some progress without the usual lows. I was thrilled because I thought that if Av was going so well, spiritually speaking, then Elul would be amazing.

Only Rosh Chodesh Elul arrived, and I went numb. It wasn’t depression exactly, but just "blah." I even did a few things in the spiritual realm that called for tremendous time, effort, and a certain amount of self-sacrifice. One of them I’d never done before.

I felt good for two minutes after I’d completed these efforts, then things went right back to blah.

I tried all sorts of things, including writing down 20 things for which I was grateful and Pitum Haketoret among other spiritual efforts, acupressure, the proper vitamins...and still no release.

Then I started thinking things that I knew were false and anti-Torah, like maybe this is Heavenly rejection, maybe Hashem doesn’t like me anymore, chas v’shalom.
And yes, I knew this couldn’t possibly be true, yet I fretted about it anyway.

(I realized later that because I've failed this particular challenge before, Hashem was probably throwing it my way again in a last-ditch attempt for me to tackle it before Rosh Hashanah.)

Heartbreakingly, it also seemed that toddlers injured in Av were succumbing to their injuries in Elul.

I felt a lot of din maybe?

Then I started seeing a lot of spiders, including a very big one. In Perek Shira, the spider (shmamit) says, “HalleluHu b'tziltzalei shema. HalleluHu b'tziltzilei teruah - Praise Him with resounding cymbals. Praise Him with trumpet blasts” (Tehillim 150:5).

• According to the Metzudah Tehillim, Rav Shimshon Rafael Hirsch explains this verse as "a call to whole groups for attentive participation."
• Metzudat David says tziltzalim (cymbals) produce a sound that travels far.
• Malbim says that teruah (trumpeting) represents fear of punishment (yirat onesh), but this fear will be mixed with joy.

(I believe that some interpret shmamit as a small lizard and I saw a couple of geckos along with the spiders. Either way, I got the message: With humility and joy, Praise Hashem LOUD AND CLEAR!)

So all these "singing" spiders and geckos encouraged me to start calling out thanks and praise to Hashem (as per the Sages commentaries on that verse) with myself, with my family members, and on this blog.
(Now you know why you got a big dose of pro-monotheism posts!)

Finally, I decided to say a prayer before randomly opening Volume 1 of Words of Faith by Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender.

It was all about not speaking falsely (even positively) or with any exaggeration of the deceased. I haven’t been speaking about dead people at all recently as far as I could tell, so I did the procedure again with the Volume 2.

Bingo!

It was all about the key to getting past “dry” hitbodedut:
Talk to Hashem like He's your Good, True Friend.

I realized that when I was trying to talk to Hashem, I was being too self-conscious about it. I was being too formulaic and not "real" enough.

I ended up not having any alone-time that day, so I resolved to give it a try the next day.

I also tried to remember that Rav Berland spoke about this, that sometimes you’re not given a good feeling about your spiritual stuff for two reasons:

1. Having too much blessing too fast really makes people incredibly stuck on themselves. I’ve seen it happen and it’s a very real concern.
2. Sometimes, Hashem just wants us to serve Him from a place of constriction. It’s a way of serving Hashem l’Shem Shamayim. You don’t have all the enthusiasm and flavor and spiritual uplift. You’re only doing it because Hashem said so.

It feels all wrong, but really, constriction is Hashem’s way of earning you and the rest of Am Yisrael a lot of extra merit. In other words, it’s actually a really good thing, even though it feels bad.

So that made me feel a little better.
 
But I was still out of sorts until I finally had the private time to speak to Hashem. I still got distracted, but I tried to follow the "Good, True Friend" advice by closing my eyes and settling my mind into the idea that right now, I'm talking to Someone who really cares about me, is totally Trustworthy, and Kind, Gentle, and Warm. And eventually it went pretty well and I felt better.

Now Elul is going better. I’m in basically good spirits even as those year-end “This is your last chance to get it right!” nisayonot are rolling in.

So I hope I’ll keep feeling the spiritual flavor of Elul. But if I don’t, I plan to do my best to keep pushing myself along spiritually and trying to feel good about serving Hashem from a place of constriction.
____________________
How to Serve Hashem from a Place of Constriction by Rav Berland

I wanted to re-emphasize something mentioned in a previous post.

In Words of Faith (Vol. I, pages 410-412), Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender refers to Likutei Moharan, explaining that in order to tame and focus your mind, you need to liberate it.

And Likutei Moharan emphasizes that the only way to liberate your mind is through joy.

Yet especially if you're feeling despondent and loathsome, how can you cultivate such a positive emotion?

By finding good points within yourself.

And again, this idea is directly from Rebbe Nachman's Likutei Moharan.

Paradoxically, Rav Bender uses the example of tackling the negative trait of pride:

So in order not to feel superior and haughty, you davka need to find the superior (i.e. positive) attributes Hashem engraved within you and not the inferior (i.e., negative) attributes He also gave you.
(He gave you negative stuff for the purpose of rectifying and elevating these same negative aspects.)

So, you'd think that in order to feel less superior and less arrogant, you'd need to find the good points of others or to see where you are flawed.

And you do need to do those two things.

But first, find the good points in yourself.

It's counter-intuitive, but it's the truth.

Get happy, feel good about God and yourself...and then focus on your flaws.

In order to plumb your personal depths, you need to first uplift yourself with joy.

For more details, please see How to Use Joy for Self-Improvement.

In Words of Faith (pages 380-382), Rav Bender mentions a secular Jew in Uman who apparently was a hitman for the underworld.

Think about this for a moment:
It means he killed people in cold blood simply for the money.

Jews and non-Jews alike were terrified of him.

But he did teshuvah.

It started by his coming to the Breslover shul to say kaddish for his father. (None of the other shuls allowed him to enter.) He only recited kaddish without any other prayers and without putting on tefillin until one day, Rav Yankel Zatamer approached him and said, "Moshe...if you already came, you can put on tefillin!"

That was the first step in a long line of steps to completely transform himself from a murderer into an upright Torah Jew.

It's always one step at a time; sometimes a series of baby steps or sometimes long strides. Self-transformation is always a process and no one has any right to shove you up to where they think you should be or judge you for the size of the steps you're taking.

Anyway, Moshe did honest and complete teshuvah. And believe me, he had what to beat himself up for. But he cried to Hashem—literally, he fell upon Rebbe Nachman’s grave many times and cried to Hashem with regret and remorse.

(Regret and remorse are good. Self-hatred and self-recrimination are not.)

And then he picked himself up and risked his life to build and maintain a mikveh against Communist law for the Jewish community to perpetuate life. Furthermore, he was very generous with all the impoverished people who came to him for food.

This man who had taken lives in cold blood was now giving life with a warm heart.

He lived among the very Jews who knew him at his worst, which takes a lot of courage.

But apparently, he felt his teshuvah was accepted, both before Hashem and by the Breslov community. And after they saw his generosity to the poor, the other Jews accepted his teshuvah too.

In other words, despite his horrific deeds, he managed to go on with his life as a rectified Jew.

How is this possible?

Needless to say, I have no idea what he spoke to Hashem.

But using the principles of teshuvah and the idea discussed in the previous post (regarding the need to find good points in yourself and cultivate a happy mood before you engage in self-improvement), an oversimplified version of what someone like him might go as follows:

“Look, Hashem…You’ve known me forever—literally! You gave me this ability to murder in cold blood another human being made in Your Image. How many people can say they can do that? Yet I’d like to use this cold-blooded fearlessness to serve You. And You know what? I think that says something good about me. After all, how many cold-blooded murderers ever develop a conscience or regret their deeds? Also, I find myself attracted to davening at the Breslov shul. I think that’s a good sign too. It means that deep down, I do want a connection with You. And in order to really connect with You, I need to stop being a hitman and start being a God-fearing man. Please help me do complete teshuvah from love and please help me rectify the terrible crimes I’ve committed.”

You probably haven't done anything nearly as bad as this guy has. And even if you have, if his teshuvah could be accepted, then yours can be too.

That's something to be very happy and relieved about.

If he could face the worst parts of himself, then you can too.

Hashem is right there holding your hand as you do it.

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