Category: Teshuvah

What's the Best Response When Recommended Efforts & Segulot Bring a Yeshua for Everyone Else, But Not for You?

13/3/2023

I really related to the question and Rabbi Mandel's answer in the Bitachon Weekly from Parshat Ki Tisa 5783.

As written here before, I've also had this issue with not seeing a yeshua (salvation, rescue), despite copious davening, segulot, getting brachos from Gedolei HaDor, saying the entire book of Tehillim in one go (which takes me 5-6 hours — and no, I certainly don't manage to maintain kavanah for that amount of time, not even close), saying thank you to Hashem...

Yes, I have seen yeshuot with these efforts. Baruch Hashem! Learning the Gate of Trust in Duties of the Heart every day and listing gratitudes to Hashem brought me yeshuot and amazing siyata d'Shmaya.

Amazing, wonderful things have happened to me via these efforts.

But not always.

On the contrary:

There are some things I really davened for, did segulot for, thanked Hashem for, asked for help and increased emunah & bitachon, and used the awful situation to take a raw no-holds-barred look inside myself and see Hashem's message of what I needed to change within ME (and yes, actually make those changes as I best I could)...I even asked Hashem with all my heart to help me be happy in a very unbearable situation.

But the answer was no.

And, despite excruciating heartfelt investment on my part, that's what I get sometimes: Nothing.

No help, no yeshua, no love, nothing.

(Or almost nothing.)

It's like the answer isn't just "No," but: "No, I'm not going to help you at all, not even with your inner efforts. No, not only won't I give you a yeshua, but I won't even help you get through it emotionally. I will not help you be happy, calm, accepting, increase your bitachon or emunah — or any of the other lovely middot everyone says these situations are meant to build. You will just have deal with it all on your same old lowly level all on your own — so there! Now just deal with it, lady!"

In one situation, after a couple of decades of the above-mentioned strenuous efforts, the issue only improved slightly.

It's definitely not a yeshua — not even close.

It can be so devastating when you put so much into it and you're asking for something good, something you know Hashem wants too (i.e., you're not asking for a shiny red Ferarri to go zipping about town), and the answer feels like Hashem is saying, "Um, who are you again? 'Is that you talkin' or is that a bumble bee walkin'?' "

Of course, Hashem is NOT saying that. He's All-Knowing & Supremely Compassionate.

But I refer to the flawed human perception of Hashem. It can FEEL like being ignored or rejected, even though it's not actually like that.

Here's the Bitachon Weekly question with Rabbi Mandel's answer:

Question:
I blame myself for not having enough Bitachon, because I am constantly hearing and reading stories of Nissim.

These miracle stories are PROOF to me that I must not have enough Bitachon, otherwise, why is it that everyone who goes with that approach gets so many Nissim [miracles], and not me??

I completely understand that if this approach is bringing me down, I shouldn’t use it.

But the fact is, I WANT to be ABLE to use the “getting what you want approach.”

It will not help me to hear “not to focus” on these concepts.

Because knowing that they are true is what’s making me so miserable.

It’s knowing that people who DO have enough Bitachon get Nissim, that is bringing me down.

Also regarding “acceptance” bringing Yeshuos, this is also making me depressed like never before.

How come Hashem comes through for them, and not me?

Why does Hashem value THEIR acceptance and not mine?

I have accepted so many hardships of mine.

If I know that the stories are true, then “ignoring” won’t solve the issue for me.

Answer:
You should know that there are thousands of people who don’t have Yeshuos.

But the Yetzer Hara doesn’t want you to know about those people, so he only makes you hear the “rosy” Yeshuos people have.

I know many people who were given Brachos from top Gedolim, yet they didn’t end up seeing Yeshuos.

Now, most people have a deep-seeded desire for self-persecution, to feel like losers.

These people have this mentality way before this issue of “hearing success Bitachon stories”, only that now it’s manifesting in this way.

Now, we came to this world to be satisfied no matter what the situation is.

I know a couple who had issues with having children, until even the most optimistic doctor gave-up hope on them having children.

The next day, the husband came home and found his wife all dressed up in Shabbos clothing, and setting up the table to a feast.

The shocked husband asked his wife: “What’s the celebration?”

She responded that she decided that this is what Hashem wants from her, not to have children, and she is so happy. “Who needs children? They are hard to take care of, it’s a big responsibility. We have each other, and that’s what counts.”

She meant what she said. She had a little Yi'ush [despair] in her situation, but it was through accepting.

What happened after that?

24 hours later, the doctor who had given up hope called them back, and said that he found a new solution...and 9 months later they had their baby.

You may have had this mentality way back; it may have been with siblings, relatives, or friends.

People love self-persecution, it’s not unusual, so you should go to war against this mentality, its Middos after all. It’s your Middos issue to constantly think that everyone else has it better.

Now, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BE HAPPY THEN NOTHING WILL STOP YOU.

Why do we need to have everything we want in order to be happy?...Hashem is my Shepard, so NEVER will I be lacking.

You can be as happy as you want to be. By the way, it’s much more fun to work on Middos than to get what you want; it will keep you young and happy.

Now when you hear people having Yeshuos, you should laugh at it.

Make fun of the whole thing. Say: ”Who needs Yeshuos?’’

Besides, these people have issues that you don’t know about, which are causing them stress, even with their Yeshuos.

If you don’t get Yeshuos, it means that Hashem gave you a specific mission.

Hashem cherishes you more.

Rachel Imeinu didn’t get what she wanted, she had just 2 Shevotim, Leah barely got what she wanted, and both Rochel and Leah passed away young.

You know that Chazal say the opposite:...A person does not get even half of his desires during his lifetime.

Chazal are saying that even if a person gets a Yeshua, there is much more that he didn’t get.

The people who got Yeshuos have other issues, and they are kvetching too. If you live for the next world, you are far-more better off.

A person who has Yissurim in this world, is better off in the next world.

It Works & It Doesn't Work...Which is the Way It's Supposed to Work

I encourage you to read the above at least twice, slowly and thoughtfully, to absorb what he's really saying here.

Because he's not just saying, "Oh, just be happy anyhoo, la-dee-dah!"

I know from past experience with myself, I'm not currently capable of being happy in a very miserable situation — not in the actual moment, anyway. During a break in the stress and misery, well, yeah, I kind of can temporarily.

But other than that, I'm not capable and yes, I TRIED. I really, really tried.

For me, like the woman who decided to embrace her "despair" about supposedly never being able to have children, acceptance meant saying, "I guess Hashem wants me to be a failure!" — and to be happy about that.

And yes, to laugh about it and have a sense of humor about it. (It works, by the way.)

And no, I did not become successful in that area of middot or see a yeshua from my acceptance, etc. I don't know why.

But there is a concept explained in the Lubavitcher Tanya that some people are meant to try without succeeding.

You can read posts about this phenomenon here:

And yes, I know it sounds contradictory, but it is possible to laugh at yourself and make jokes about an inability to be happy in really overwhelming, miserable situations.

Not in a mean way, but just be funny and compassionate with your self-joking.

Anyway...I hope the above helps you as much as it helped me. In fact, I hope it helps you even more!

(Frankly, I still need a lot of help. With myself.)

← Previous post:
www.myrtlerising.com/blog/when-the-only-person-you-can-really-confide-in-happens-to-be-your-enemy

The Ultimate Enemy of Our Spiritual Success in This World — And How to Ignore Its Voice

29/8/2022

A friend forwarded to me the Bitachon Magazine for Parshat Re'eh (thanks, NEJ!) and a message from Devorah Silberman's article jumped out; it really spoke to a major issue with which I struggle (partly from myself & partly due to the criticism from others); boldface & underline my own addition:

Rebbe Avraham Yaakov, the Sadigura Rebbe zy'a would often share that “a person can...complete their purpose in this olam hatikun (World of Fixing) as long as they don’t say two words: "ilu hayiti" ''which means "if only I was...”

So often we are plagued by gnawing feelings of self-doubt.

Sometimes we might see another person's professional advancement, or hatzlacha, and the voice of Korach appears inside our head:

"If only... if only I had a better position. If only I was somewhere else, had a different job, had more money, more political influence, more spiritual authority or charisma, a higher IQ, then I would be....”

***

We can only complete our Tikun by discovering good fortune in whatever our role is right now.

For when a Jew truly desires to serve Hashem, he can do so wherever he is.

With our Avodas Hashem, we look at others and immediately yearn for their Hatzlacha, their families, their health, their strengths, their abilities.

We feel a yearning to serve Hashem with our “preferred life” instead.

But not always is the life we want what Hashem wants from us at the moment for our Tikkun and purpose.

We have to keep remembering the quote above:

“Everyone is given the exact character traits, circumstances and challenges that they need to be considered successful in their mission in this world.”

(To subscribe, send an email to: bitachonmagazine@gmail.com)

You need to be strong within yourself to do this.

Unfortunately, a lot of people (including some you turn to for guidance) denigrate strugglers by saying, "Well, Everybody Else is able to do it. Why can't you?" Or, "What do you think Everyone Else is doing? How do you think Everyone Else is managing?" Or, "Of cooooourse...EVERYBODY knows THAT! Why didn't YOU?"

This mysterious entity named Everyone Else was ruining my life. No matter how hard I tried or have fast I "ran," I remained an utter failure compared to the oh-so perfect and much-lauded Everyone Else.

Sometimes, I really wanted to hunt down this mysterious entity name Everybody Else and strangle her.

She thwarted me every step of the way. I could never scrape myself out of failure as long as she was around.

She was always there, mashing me back down.

But gradually, I realized the difference in resources.

There is not comparison to Everybody Else.

For example, a one-legged man needs to climb a hill differently than a 2-legged man.

And a legless man needs to climb a hill using a different method than either.

Some people receive golf carts, mopeds, a horse, or even a helicopter to make it up the hill.

Even when looking at similar situations, the resources available still differ.

For example, can you compare the climb of a legless man who uses a horse or a helicopter to the climb of a legless man without any equipment?

The legless man in a helicopter doesn't even climb.

Should the two-legged man sneer at the legless man who needs a horse to make it over the hill?

Should the legless man wizzing about in the helicopter lord himself over the legless men below, boasting, "If I can make it over the hill, then anyone can!"

No. Each situation is so different, even the ones that superficially look the same.

So that's what it is.

And for the sake of repairing our souls, Hashem wants each of us to serve Him with our individual strengths & resources...but also with our individual flaws & lack of resources.

Rav Itamar Schwartz Explains the Secret behind the Success of the Tzaddik who Falls 7 Times before Succeeding

22/8/2022

This is from a recent Bilvavi email regarding teshuvah and Elul.

According to the text below, one prime difference between a tzaddik and a regular person is the tzaddik believes Hashem gives him the koach to fix himself; he knows he doesn't have it on is own.

But that's okay in the tzaddik's eyes because HASHEM can grant him success.

A regular person relies on himself, on his abilities & strengths, which brings despair after the first couple of falls.

"I can't do it," he says. "So there is no hope. I simply don't have what it takes. It's not who I am."

But the one who eventually becomes a tzaddik says, "I can't do it...but HASHEM can! I don't have what it takes...but HASHEM does! It's not who I am right now...but HASHEM can change that!"

Here are the words of Rav Itamar Schwartz (boldface my addition):

From where does a tzaddik have the power to fall and get up and fall and get up again?

A regular person, if he falls once or twice, says to himself, “I fell and tried to get up but couldn’t do it, so the next time I will fall, I will not be able to get up either.”

If he fell twice and couldn’t get up, on the third time he will feel that now he has a chazakah, and for sure will not be able to get up.

But a tzaddik believes that Hashem gives him koach to fix himself.

With the power that Hashem gives, one can succeed in anything.

If it was my own power, it is limited and I can’t succeed, but if I receive every day a new power, the question is Who gave me the power?

On this Chazal say:

“Hashem li b’ozrai — Hashem is my helper.”

Therefore even if in the past you failed, a person knows that Hashem helps him.

Therefore there is never a place of despair because he knows that Hashem will help him even if he fell many times.

Roses in bloom in Eretz Yisrael

When Hashem Set Me Free (for at least a couple of days) from My Own Self-Recrimination & the Lesson Learned from That

9/8/2022

For a few years, I felt very frustrated with myself due to a certain middah I consistently failed to overcome.

From all the mussar sefarim, Rav Avigdor Miller, Pele Yoetz, and many more, I knew I was wrong to feel the way I did, but simply could not change this particular middah.

Mostly, it did not affect other people or most aspects of my life.

It simply stood as an obstacle within my own personal growth, only affecting others in specific circumstances.

I davened about it, spoke to Hashem about it (which often felt like running into a brick wall, for some reason still not fully understood by me), read Torah sources about it, did writing exercises to overcome it and internalize the correct middah, but...nothing.

A few years of investment achieved some progress in external behavior.

But internally? Almost nothing.

Furthermore, I observed people who naturally possessed the middah I knew I needed to cultivate.

Initially, I admired them.

I tried to learn from them.

But the more I learned, the more frustrated I felt with myself.

Why couldn't I make this change AT ALL?

Why was even a baby-step of progress so impossible?

Others seemed to manage, even in situations similar to or much worse than mine.

And still others even seemed to excel in this middah, no matter how challenging.

Why was I so different and — let's face it — so much more defective than nearly everyone else in this particular area?

Then, in a short amount of time, Hashem suddenly revealed something to me.

When Good Middot Go Bad & Bad Middot Come to the Rescue

Hashem showed me this desired flip in its harmful extreme.

I saw how people imbued with this middah opposite to mine lead broken lives with not much hope for any improvement.

They made & continue to make destructive mistakes, enduring a lot of suffering in the process, a lot of which seemed to be partly self-inflicted.

Despite them succeeding in a certain middah in which I continue to fail miserably, I noticed my life, for all its flaws & disappointments, was much more successful (according to Torah definition) than theirs.

And it lifted a burden from me.

When everything became clear, I felt so grateful that I was NOT like those people with the middah I so badly desired.

In fact, the revelation made me high for 2 days.

And while I still realize I need to work on this middah, I'm so grateful for NOT having it naturally because it's highly destructive if one lacks balance & awareness.

I guess I was being harder on myself than I realized.

This blog keeps pounding away against toxic shame and feeling bad about having bad middot because the bare presence of bad middot is from Hashem & not something to feel bad about in and of itself.

It's your response to your bad middot that shows how good (or bad) you are.

But I guess for myself, with all the work in which I invested without reaping more than a tiny piece of grain, I just felt like I should be doing better already.

Also, I felt like I'm really not such a good person if I feel this way, ESPECIALLY after all the work I invested in that area.

Like, "Wow, I must be pretty bad if this is the result after all this work!"

Sort of like someone who does everything they can to succeed in algebra, including tutoring, tons of practice, and all sorts of alternative methods for YEARS — yet still fail every algebra test — may conclude they are stupid or at the very least, really bad at math.

But that's a worldly parable.

Spiritual physics work differently.

Our feelings & middot don't define our goodness or badness.

Our success in better behavior (or lack of) doesn't define whether we are good or bad.

Rather our DESIRE/RATZON to struggle against certain feelings & middot (as defined by Torah & mussar) define how good or bad we are.

Attack of the Potentially Holy Green-Eyed Monster

It's like if someone suffers terrible envy of others.

They read about it, talk to Hashem about it, constantly do their best to internalize the truth that Hashem decides everything and there is no need for envy because Hashem gives each person what they TRULY need and deserve.

And yet, after years of working on this, the person still suffers terrible envy!

It feels like failure because if a person developed an acute awareness of how lacking in emunah envy is, then they feel like they're a hopeless atheist or something when they cannot move beyond the envy, feeling stuck exactly where they started.

"Maybe I'm a religious hypocrite..." the person may start to muse.

Or the very few times they managed to overcome envy, they snapped right back to square one, as if they never moved in the first place.

It's very frustrating and discouraging.

(BTW, envy isn't my problem; just using it as an example.)

But then the person discovers people completely lacking in any envy whatsoever.

And they see people with potential who never moved their entire life.

Their magnanimous nature leaped overboard, causing them to give too much credence to other opinions (including anti-Torah opinions), behaving too generously with not-very-good people, and not accomplishing all the spiritual potential they possess.

Rather, due to your struggle with envy, you balanced yourself out without even meaning to.

You also made tremendous strides in life because your envy also ignited you with the fire to strive for certain goals.

For some people, the fire of envy gives them the fortitude to create a large family or to be more tsanuah or achieve more in Torah learning or to perform greater acts of kindness.

Envy used positively imbues them with the courage & fire to go against the current when the current roils in the wrong direction.

A wonderful person also brought to my attention something said by Rav Itamar Schwartz:

The sin of man was a lustful desire, but the jealousy itself which brought about this desire was not a sin.

Jealousy is rather the very nature that Hashem has designed man with.

It is upon a person to use jealousy for holiness, by being ‘jealous’ of the Creator, so to speak – to desire to integrate one’s being with Him, and, through this yearning, to become integrated with the Creator.

***

The holy use of jealousy, the desire to integrate with the Creator, is also a quick “destruction” [in the positive sense]:

It is a complete self-nullification, where man becomes completely integrated with the Infinite.

https://bilvavi.net/he/node/9798

So kinah (often translated as jealousy, envy, or zealotry) is, in its innate pure form, a desire to integrate with God.

Amazing.

So despite how ugly envy feels and looks (if you've ever encountered a person who stares daggers at you while curling their upper lip in rage & disgust when you mention even a small nice thing experienced in your life, then you know how ugly it looks)...it's actually a holy middah in its essence.

Kinah brings a person to complete bonding with Hashem!

Who knew?

So a person suffering from terrible kinah might actually possess the potential for holiness & deveikus MORE than others.

Very cool.

That's just one example and, like mentioned above, not my personal grueling frustrating impossible struggle.

The Real Difference between Esav & Yaakov, and What It Means For Us

The other virtue is the Esav virtue discussed in the Lubavitcher Tanya and in this post:
what-if-you-lean-more-toward-esav-than-yaakov-avinu-the-perfect-mitzvah-for-imperfect-people.html

Esav's failure lay NOT in feeling drawn toward all the bad stuff that attracted him, but his failure lay in SUBMITTING to these attractions.

Esav gave up & gave in.

THAT was his mistake.

Not the fact that he experienced these terrible taavot, but that he caved in to them.

And that's what I learned to embrace.

So yes, I will continue to work on this impossible (for me) middah.

But I no longer feel bad about failing...as long as I work it.

The Third Factor Contributing to Torah-Oriented Therapy that Works

8/8/2022

When I originally wrote the post on how & why therapy worked for one girl, I intended to include a 3rd major reason why it worked, but in writing the article, it flew out of mind.

Here's the article:
www.myrtlerising.com/blog/when-torah-oriented-therapy-worked-how-it-worked-and-why

And the 2 reasons stated there are:

The client's own ratzon to do the work necessary to improve.
The therapist making halacha & effective techniques a priority.

And the third?

The therapist must LIKE the client.

To Be Effective, One Must Learn to be Honest with Oneself

The necessity of the mentor actually liking the person being mentored is always true, whether regarding a therapist, rabbi, rebbetzin, advisor, counselor, mentor, or any other type of confidant or consultant.

Liking someone includes empathy too.

You can know a behavior is wrong while also empathizing with the reason for that person's behavior.

And a responsible should do his or her best to know when they cannot help someone.

For example, when I showed admiration to a therapist for offering 1st-time appointments for free, she stated she did it for herself as much as the new client.

That way, she explained, she felt free to reject the client if she saw it wouldn't work.

A lot of times, you can tell in 10 minutes or less whether you like someone. An experienced person can tell in 10 minutes or less whether they can work with someone, whether the potential exists.

In the above-mentioned post, the therapist genuinely liked the girl she helped.

In fact, the therapist specialized in teenage girls and genuinely liked them.

This counts as a PRIME factor in helping another person improve.

When Mentoring/Advising/Counseling Goes Wrong

Probably, we've experienced encounters with people meant to help us, but instead made us feel disliked, defective, stupid, insignificant, and gave surprisingly bad advice.

For example, I knew a rebbetzin with incredible energy who did tremendous much-needed chessed of all types.

Throughout her life, she made meaningful and continuous contributions to Torah life.

However, she didn't appreciate introverted people.

She didn't hate them, but she did not appreciate them, and this prevented her from really liking them.

Because of this, her advice with introverted types tended to go like a coin-flip.

Sometimes she offered suitable advice to them, sometimes not.

And when unsuitable, her advice sometimes turned out badly wrong.

In fact, she even discouraged shidduchim between introverts, offering different reasons why it wouldn't work.

The reasons usually sounded either offensive or just not so logical (because they emanated from emotion, and not reason).

I personally know of 2 shidduchim she actively discouraged at first, but the 2 couples got married anyway.

One marriage worked out really well because they are excellent people who are obviously perfect for each other.

The other marriage turned out less happy because the wife lacks good middot (while the husband possesses excellent middot), but this rebbetzin did not discourage the shidduch because of that. In fact, this rebbetzin thought the young woman's middot were just fine (except for the young woman's introversion, of course).

In another situation, she several times berated an introverted girl suffering serious doubts about a shidduch until the girl lost confidence in her own perceptions & went through with the marriage, which the girl later always regretted (though the couple never got divorced).

When dealing with introverts, the rebbetzin's manner of giving the advice sometimes suddenly turned harsh or abrasive.

The sudden harsh or angry tone came as shock because she normally seemed so cheerful and smiley.

This sudden about-face resulted from her impatience when dealing with an introvert, who often wants to think through things before acting, or who thinks more deeply and with more complexity about issues, and needs to work through that before making a decision.

A lot of people want to understand WHY they need to do something before they do it.

And yes, it's weird when people like this rebbetzin end up working with baalei teshuvah and gerim because they whole reason WHY the people did teshuvah is BECAUSE they think this way!

Yes, there's a downside in overthinking things.

But there's an upside too. It always depends on how it's done.

This rebbetzin is very smart & exceptionally competent doer rather than a thinker.

And that's fine. Some doers appreciate thinkers and vice-versa.

In other words, some people appreciate differences.

But this one did not.

So even though she willingly made herself available as a consultant-rebbetzin to others, she simply proved herself unable to offer suitable advice to personalities she does not really like or appreciate.

And we're all like that.

The key is to making yourself LIKE the person turning to you. (Easier said than done, but often possible when one cares enough & is aware enough.)

Unfortunately, the above-mentioned rebbetzin lacked the ability to do that because she convinced herself she was a real ohev Yisrael, that she loved everybody.

She honestly believed this about herself. (And she genuinely did a lot of good.)

So she never realized she didn't actually love a significant part of the frum population (introverts).

Instead, she believed her impatience or anger or discrimination came from the other person's exceptionally difficult nature...which was sometimes true, of course.

But often, it wasn't.

This explains why people go to a rabbi, rebbetzin, advisor, etc., who others label as "SO AMAZING!!!" and "helped SO MANY people with this exact problem!" and so on...but then receive obviously unsuitable advice or get treated badly or dismissively.

It could be they ARE amazing...but not with you.

It could be they ARE extremely helpful...but not to you.

And all that could mean there is something wrong with you...or it could mean there's something wrong with them.

Or it could mean they simply aren't the right shaliach for you in a particular situation.

A Mentoring Success Story

The rebbetzin who mentored me so helpfully (NOT the one described above) also really liked me.

We hit it off from the first time we met (at a class she gave in my neighborhood).

She also genuinely liked young women, young mothers.

She felt genuine sympathy for our issues, while also seeing our flaws and our potential.

Not all middle-aged women feel this way.

Some feel envious toward young mothers because they remember those years as easier than their lives now.

Or it's generational; they see your generation as spoiled and they resent it.

But she wasn't like that at all. She was really empathetic, yet practical.

Because you always felt she stood squarely on your side, it was much easier to take her advice, even the hard-to-follow advice.

Her unswerving & affectionate loyalty to your best interests was the honey that made the bitter pill of breaking middot easier to swallow.

Interestingly, she felt genuine affection toward the more introverted, introspective, emotionally complicated women that most others (understandably) find so exasperating to deal with.

Even more interestingly, she wasn't like that at all herself!

She was a particularly fearless & proactive doer and rescuer.

(And a real handful as a child; these types usually are.)

In fact, her lack of fear led her into dangerous situations at times (because fear helps us take proper precautions)...situations in which her fearlessness & quick thinking helped her to find a way out of these situations.

(I still remember when an attempted kidnapping ended in her driving off in the potential abductor's car, leaving him in the dirt while she sped off to the police station. And she was totally blasé about it later.)

She never engaged in the kind of complex-bordering-on-neurotic thought processes that some of us do.

Yet she held great affection for those completely different than her.

Somehow, she was able to understand & appreciate those whose brains were wired so differently than hers.

Another way she differed from me and many others she helped is that she grew up in a very solid Chassidish family who survived the Holocaust with their Yiddishkeit firmly (and miraculously, IMO) intact.

And they weren't regular Chassidim either, but Chassidim with yichus & importance.

Yet somehow, she managed to understand & identify with people from secular or even non-Jewish backgrounds.

And she provided tremendous help & guidance. At times, she mamash saved lives, both in the emotional sense and literally.

Without even meaning to, she stood as a wonderful role model.

She saw people as basically good & capable, but sometimes just in need of hand up.

(This is a VERY different & much healthier—and Torah-based—view of people, as opposed to many who view people as according to their flaws or dysfunctional behaviors, and who often generalize negatively, saying stuff like, "Most people are this-and-such-negative-trait...")

She also saw herself as a mere shaliach, acknowledging she wasn't the right shaliach for everyone, which is a very important (and Torah-true) approach to adopt when dealing with others.

That approach removes a lot of ego, which interferes in genuinely helping others.

Not only did I merit her mentoring myself, but sent a lot of people to her over the years until she could no longer do it.

I think the combination of her innate personality & an upbringing based on AUTHENTIC chassidish & Torah principles facilitated her to turn out this way.

Outgrowing a Mentor, an Advisor's Error, and Unpredictable Acts of God

Sometimes, things change.

It's very common to outgrow a therapist/mentor/rabbi/rebbetzin, etc.

You won't outgrow a gadol or a rebbetzin on the level of Rebbetzin Batsheva Kanievsky, of course.

But others? Yes.

For example, secular Jews who started out thinking their college campus rabbi or the modern Orthodox rabbi of their local shul were the tops later outgrew these people as their spiritual needs matured.

You can & should be grateful for what they gave you at the start.

But it's fine to outgrow them. This is not much spoken about, but it IS normal.

Sometimes a therapist or mentor gave you what you needed at the beginning, but simply lacked what you needed to grow even more, due to their own blind spots or deficiencies.

Again, it's good to be grateful & appreciative while going on to bigger and better things.

On the other hand, sometimes the mentoring relationship stops working due to the one being mentored or counseled.

That person either refuses to grow at all or to grow beyond a certain point.

Sometimes, the counselor/therapist/rabbi/rebbetzin/advisor/mentor/friend honestly believed they could help, then realized only part way through their error.

(The person turning to them for help often experiences this error as a painful rejection, but it is an honest mistake. Hopefully, the advisor eases out as nicely as possible—meaning, without trashing the person.)

Other times, the advisor experiences a life-changing event or struggle (death of a loved one, a natural disaster, a financial upheaval, divorce, injury, trauma, burnout, etc) that prevents them from being able to give what they normally could.

These are legitimate difficulties, and though painful & upsetting for the client, it's not anyone's fault and the limitations (including termination) should be respected.

It's nearly always Hashem's way of guiding the person to a better shaliach (including turning to Hashem alone) along their individual path.

3 Factors Necessary for Effective Therapy/Counseling/Mentoring

So here is it again, in the updated version...

In order for any kind of therapy, counseling, advice, etc., to be genuinely effective (NOT just a "feel-good" effect, but actual improvement), the following 3 factors must exist:

The client's own ratzon to do the work necessary to improve.
The therapist making halacha & Torah-oriented approaches a priority.
The therapist must like the client.

Hashem Wanted to Show Me My Big Blind Spot, So He Showed Me the Big Blind Spots of Others First

29/7/2022

Over the past several months, Hashem kept showing me people who felt trapped in circumstances in which they saw no alternative or escape — yet alternatives existed, only they weren't palatable.

Furthermore, all these people could've utilized those same alternatives years ago — and while challenging & painful then, those same alternatives demand much more pain & effort now.

But they do exist and always existed.

And I saw all different examples of this, whether relationships, health, location, work, and much more.

Hashem also showed me a couple of examples of people utilizing their alternatives early on, when it was a steep hill but not yet a craggy mountain.

But mostly I saw people dealing with hills that had turned into mountains over time — mountains that really needed to be climbed in order to solve their issues and go on to their next step in life...but seemed too formidable to be a realistic option.

It was only after the most recent (and most baffling) interaction that I realized Hashem wanted to send me a very important message.

Too Hot and Too Far...Huh?

I was chatting with a woman visiting family in Eretz Yisrael.

She spoke about her desire to move to Eretz Yisrael with her husband and children.

A lot of factors lay in her favor: her Hebrew was already pretty good for someone who didn't live in Eretz Yisrael, she had a degree & copious experience with a profession in tremendous demand in Eretz Yisrael (a job she also loved & excelled in), her husband was fluent in Hebrew and also had a transferrable job.

Their kids were still young and flexible, already knew some Hebrew, and they had family here—family they liked and got along with well.

And with their strong finances, they could pick their city of choice with a very comfortable home.

I mentioned a city here known for its thriving Anglo population, plus its schools and services catered to English-speakers, plus the Anglo community always impressed me as warm, welcoming, and supportive.

"The thing is," she said, "that city is really far from our family here."

"Really?" I said, puzzled.

You see, Israel is smaller than the state of New Jersey, so nothing seems THAT far...unless you're driving from Eilat in the South to Kiryat Shemoneh in the North, or something extreme like that.

"Yeah," she said. "That city you mentioned is a NINETY-MINUTE drive to our Israeli relatives. Ninety!"

I stared at her speechless for a moment.

She leaned forward and said, "We did it. It was a looooong drive."

"Yeah, uh, wow," I said. "Um, I guess I'm just surprised to hear that because I always thought that in America, really long commutes to work and school are the norm. I guess I didn't think about a 90-minute drive to spend Shabbos somewhere as...long."

So she explained that where she lived, their commutes were pretty short. Even their shul was just down the street.

"Okay," I said pleasantly. Then, knowing she only saw her Israeli family every 5 years or so, I added in a good-humored way, "That's still better than a 15-hour flight, right? Ha, ha, ha..."

"Yeah, that's what everyone tells me," she admitted. "And it's true...but still."

I gave her an understanding nod and suggested, "There may be other suitable communities closer to your Israeli family."

She gave me a skeptical smile before continuing.

"Also, it's really HOT here," she added. "I don't know if I could handle it."

I stared at her, again lost for words.

What she said made no sense because she lived in one of the most unpleasantly hottest places in the USA.

How could Israel be considered unbearably hot to someone like her? It didn't make sense.

"Oh," I finally managed to say. "Um...I remember living where you live and I found going outdoors just unbearable...and that was in the winter."

"Oh," she said, laughing, "you're always in air-conditioning! You never really feel it."

I knew this was not true.

People in her area go to outdoor restaurants, use their backyards, go to the beach (which is still unbearably hot despite the ocean winds), and host outdoor parties.

However, she honestly perceived Israel as being "too hot" to live comfortably.

Furthermore, where she is from, people think they need to take a sweater with them when the temperature his 60F/15C.

In parts of America, Canada, and Great Britain, everyone heads to the beach at that same temperature.

Yet people come in droves from those areas to live in Eretz Yisrael.

Furthermore, I even knew a person from Norway who happily lived in hot 'n' humid Tel Aviv.

So altogether, the above reasons made no sense (especially since solutions to these issues exist).

Even given the difference between different kinds of heat (i.e., a person used to humid heat often finds dry heat difficult, and vice-versa), but Israel hosts popular cities in both kinds of heat (eg., Tel Aviv and Bnei Brak are humid; Jerusalem is dry; Beit Shemesh in in-between).

Was she lying?

No.

Other than this, she proved herself to be a refreshingly honest & straightforward person throughout our time together.

So what was going on?

Our unconscious mind often brings "fake" or minor issues to the forefront, convincing us these are our real issues & reasons...while the true issues remain tucked away underneath.

So what I think she really meant is that while she feels she should come to live in Eretz Yisrael, her Diaspora life is so comfortable and fulfilling, she doesn't want to leave it.

And I understand that. Really, it's so understandable.

FYI Note: I was not pressuring her to make aliyah. SHE brought it up, not me. Also, who knows if she's really even Jewish? So I'm talking about her ideals and her reasoning, not mine.

It would have been easier to make aliyah at the beginning of her marriage.

So here was this extremely likeable, intelligent, and positive person offering insensible reasons for not fulfilling a beneficial ideal.

In other words, she could do it. It would probably be better for them if they did. (Again, I don't know all their ins-and-outs, but it looked like it would be a good move.)

But it seemed too big. It demanded too much sacrifice. The transition period would likely be long and grueling...though worth it in the end.

And therein lay the lesson for me.

It's Significantly Harder Now, But Still Possible

Let's say a person was somewhat overweight in their younger years.

A decent gym stood nearby, as did good paths for power-walking in the abundant good weather.

Combined with a healthy diet, this person could have lost the necessary weight within a short amount of time.

But the person only made brief stabs at losing weight without ever confronting or dealing deeply with the issues behind the overeating.

At 50, she finds herself vastly more overweight with fat that's not easy to lose at her age.

Because of both age and the sheer amount of pounds necessary to shed, a weight-loss program will be much more grueling and take a long time.

However, though much easier when younger, it IS still possible to lose the copious weight and to do so at her age.

The alternative, though significantly more formidable, always existed and STILL exists.

It's still possible.

Much harder? Yes.

But still possible.

Yet Again: It's Not about Their Issues, But My Own

So I was running across all these different kinds of situation with this same theme running through them:

Alternatives & solutions to their problems existed, but because they never pushed themselves to take full advantage, those same alternatives proved much more formidable and grueling as time passed.

Over time, their steep hill turned into a craggy mountain.

The alternatives now demanded much more determination, courage, sacrifice, and a much longer and more grueling transition period.

And I knew Hashem wanted me to look in my own life for those hard alternatives that seemed closed, but are really open...just a LOT more demanding and formidable than they would've been had I utilized them years ago.

And I found some.

And I'm still wrestling with exactly how to deal with them.

But at least I got the message.

That's better than nothing.

You're My Inspiration

Initially, this post could've been written completely differently.

It could've been a superior self-righteous post (or a contemplative lecturing post) about the oh-so pathetic state of the world and how OTHER people (not moi, of course—sarc!) are SO messed up.

And how "people" are soooooo in denial and need to get in touch with THEMselves, and develop more self-awareness...blah, blah, blah. (As if I am not a "people" myself, but something more superior, ha-ha.)

I could rant about how people make excuses rather than getting down to business and doing the hard work.

And that would be missing the point.

Hashem was not showing me all this to increase my feelings of superiority or enable me to take pride in the powers of observation, or to turn it all into a lecture on the faults of others.

He wanted me to know about my own hill-turned-mountain.

Or, rather, hills-turned-mountains.

(Yep. There's more than one...gulp! Wish me luck...)

The Truth about a Wife's Ability to Influence Her Husband Positively

18/7/2022

For a period of time, the Gemara in which a tzadekes wife influenced her rasha husband to become a tzaddik gained popularity as a way to blame wives for their husband's undesirable behavior.

For the majority of the period, I never heard anyone explain how she managed this, nor did I know anyone who heard an explanation for this (until at one point, Rav Shalom Arush stated she did so via intense prayer).

I also wondered what kind of a rasha was he.

Sometimes, a rasha means he was an intentional sinner rather than an accidental sinner. Sometimes rasha means the person is a psychopath.

Sometimes people are reshaim in one way, but good in others—like certain mafia types who commit terrible crimes but treat their parents, wives, and children very well.

So that mattered too with regard to her ability to change him.

Yet no explanations came forth.

Also, the vast majority of frum Jewish women, while very good, are not tzadekeses, so it never made sense how a good but regular wife could manage to transform her husband so dramatically.

It also seemed bizarre that despite all the obvious halachic obligations on men, some therapists and lower-tier rabbis and rebbetzins refused to hold grown men responsible for their own behavior.

And it refused to acknowledge the great influence (whether positive or negative) men wield over their homes.

Note:
Toras Avigdor published a very inspiring example of the possible influence of the husband/father in the home using Elkanah (the father of Shmuel HaNavi) as an example:
https://torasavigdor.org/parshas-vayakhel-pekudei-3-elevated-in-the-home-2/

And it was extremely manipulative to tell wives (including very young wives in their teens or early twenties) that they had the power to change their husband...yet never told them how to do it. "Just use your womanly wisdom!" they'd be told.

It was all so obscure and therefore, useless.

Obviously, the Gemara was taken totally out of is intended context. It's clear from other mefarshim and sefarim in Chazal that this Gemara was never intended to be used this way.

And in the case of rebbetzins, it's unlikely they ever saw it on the inside with the mefarshim and all that. So it was quoted ignorantly and superficially.

It pained me to see some of the wives I knew suffering from it and it affected me negatively to believe that authentic Torah Judaism was so irrational & unfair...

...until my own study of mussar sefarim, Chumash mefarshim (like the Kli Yakar) proved there was nothing wrong with the Torah sources, but something wrong only with the small-minded people giving over these sources.

In other words, it was the self-proclaimed representatives of Torah hashkafah who were irrational and unfair—not the Torah sources.

A warped conduit will produce a warped product.

Having said that, the truly great Torah Sages were not in engaging in this manipulative blame-tactic.

You don't see this at all by Rav Avigdor Miller, for example.

On the contrary, he is tougher on husbands than wives (which follows the traditional Torah attitude, interestingly).

It's too bad these non-Gedolim misrepresented Torah hashkafah so poorly.

Ultimately, this misrepresentation caused a lot of problems and we've only seen an increase in marital discord and divorce as long as this method remained popular—not to mention women's increased use of sedatives & antidepressants, plus wives backsliding religiously or even going off the derech (whether publicly or privately).

And while it's true that commonality doesn't prove causality, we never saw any marriage saved or even improved with this non-Torah hashkafah.

Contrary to their claims, this distortion was not used traditionally. It was new rather than "traditional."

And I think even the lower-tier distorters stopped using it because it so obviously did not work.

Just to prove to you that it really was not some kind of traditional viewpoint (as claimed by the distorters), let's look at a 19th-century view of the same issue.

"...It is rarely the woman who has the power to change her husband's ways."

At one point, I read this dialogue between a deeply religious rabbi and a wealthy young Jewish man regarding a shidduch for the wealthy young man's sister:

[Rabbi:]
"Surely you know, dear sir, that Lindenstein is hardly a suitable match for your deeply religious sister. Shamelessly and overtly he eats non-kosher food, desecrates the Shabbat, and violates every commandment in the Torah. It is difficult for me to believe that your pious father really approves of the young man."

[Wealthy young man:]
"True, father is pious, but he is tolerant of other people's beliefs. Besides, he is confident that my sister will be able to exert a good influence on Lindenstein."

[Rabbi:]
"Oh, you are greatly mistaken. It is rarely the woman who has the power to change her husband's ways. More often, it is the husband who dominates his wife, and can persuade her to follow in his footsteps..."

— Out of the Depths, pages 2-3

The above is an excerpt from an inspirational novel written by the committed Orthodox rabbi Meir/Marcus Lehman in the 1880s or 1890s in Germany.

If you know about Rabbi Lehman, then you know he wrote fictionalized biographies and portraits of the real issues of the day with the goal of fighting the encroaching Haskalah & Reform movement by enhancing the knowledge & appreciation of Torah.

He even described real people, cities, and situations, but gave them disguised names or simply used initials ("the city of B.").

Throughout his novels, he uses pious characters to explain various aspects of Judaism considered controversial or despised in his time, and to exhort Jews to do embrace the courage, nobility, and conviction to go according to Torah in full.

He also used his characters to warn fellow Jews what can happen if they disregard Jewish Law.

His pious characters provide examples of how to stand strong against Jew-hatred, attacks from heretics & Reformers, and the insidious influence of the Reform and Haskalah movements.

His novels also showed WHY one should stand strong.

Rabbi Marcus displayed the benefits of a Torah Jew (even as the despised minority) while portraying the harm of compromising on or abandoning mitzvah observance.

So the above excerpt is an expression of Rabbi Lehman's opinion—based on his own observations.

He wanted to warn parents and shadchanim of the danger of marrying off a religious girl to a non-religious man, even when that man seems appreciative of a religious wife.

He used his biographical fiction as an exhortation NOT to rely on the influence of a pious wife.

Furthermore, Rabbi Lehman was a brilliant Torah scholar.

He certainly knew of the Talmudic story mentioned at the beginning of this post.

So why did he state the diametric OPPOSITE of what so many of these shalom bayis advisors claimed?

Well, for one thing, he actually UNDERSTOOD THE GEMARA AND ITS APPLICATION.

In addition to own brilliant Talmudic scholarship, his common sense and on-the-ground observations also told him that this Talmudic scenario did not apply to marriage in the way some advisors would distort it in the far future.

Again, here's Rabbi Lehman telling it like it is (boldface and underline my own):

"...It is rarely the woman who has the power to change her husband's ways. More often, it is the husband who dominates his wife, and can persuade her to follow in his footsteps..."

And we see what he saw too.

We see women influenced by their husband to dress less tsniusly and a whole host of other issues.

We also see families in which the intelligent and caring chinuch of the wife cannot overcome (or at least, cannot overcome completely) the influence of a husband who is volatile, inconsistent, unethical, untrustworthy, or critical.

Yet wives can indeed influence their husband positively.

They've done so.

Yet even the best and most wisely applied influence cannot influence a man against his will.

Everyone has bechirah.

We're not puppets.

She Only Ever Managed to Influence Him according to His Will, But Not Against His Will (Alternative Title: How to Make the Best of an Insensitive Grump)

My friend entered into a marriage with a man who worked and lived the basics of a frum life.

He kept Shabbos, wore a kippah, but had a TV and his Shabbos table wasn't so different than a weekday table in terms of ambience.

She came from a super-frum background. In discussions with chashuv rabbanical family members who met her husband-to-be, they mentioned how he held a spark which she could fan.

And she did.

Because her husband was a left-brained intellectual type, it was easy to influence him into regular Gemara learning, and then full-time kollel, and then hasmadah during all his waking hours.

He worked only to earn his parnasa with the rest of his time dedicated to Torah learning.

After tasting true Torah learning, it became a path HE wanted to travel.

Immersion in the learning influenced him in other areas of his halachic observance too, enabling a lot of positive bein adam l'Makom changes to occur in their home.

He basically turned into a charedi avrech who only worked when he needed to, making kollel the center of his life and parnasa his side job. (And he nonetheless earned an excellent parnasa doing that.)

However, just as he was naturally intellectual & left-brained, he was also naturally an insensitive and emotionally distant person.

Investing in the emotional chinuch of his children or being sensitive toward the needs of his wife or children were NOT attractive to his innate nature.

So despite all the learning and mussar in which he invested, they remained more philosophical than practical.

In other words, he never did anything to change his actual inner self...only his external behaviors.

Until the day he died, he never showed any interest in going down the path of hitbonenut and deep cheshbon hanefesh.

So despite my friend's emotionally intelligent & gentle influence, plus her own sterling personal example, she never managed to influence his character in any way—only his learning and bein adam l'Makom halachic observance.

And that was only because of HIS ratzon.

Certain aspects of Torah suited his innate nature and intellect beautifully.

Yet certain aspects did not.

And as far as I saw, he never even worked on those aspects that did not come to him naturally.

And thus, she never managed to influence him against HIS will.

Love Matters.

It's important to emphasize that if a husband does not love his wife, she has even less influence over him.

In the above example, I never saw any indication he loved her.

He didn't seem to appreciate her in any way either.

So I assume he did not love her.

A person who does not love his wife, or even appreciate her, certainly will not value her opinion of him.

So all she ever managed to do was influence him in the way he desired to go anyway.

And that was that.

But in the next example, it seems that the husband not only has more potential regarding middot, but also loved his wife and therefore valued her opinion of him.

A Wise Woman Influenced Her Husband to Actualize His Innate Tendencies for Chessed & Tzedakah

A well-known rebbetzin related the story of a couple she knew personally.

The man never seemed special in any way and no one thought much of him. The way she described her initial impression of him, he seemed to be a kind of shlub.

This apparent shlub married a nice, intelligent woman and they seemed happy together.

One day, she noticed a receipt for a 5-shekel donation. Her husband mentioned he received it after handing over 5 shekels to a person at the door.

Most people do not give such a large donation to random strangers knocking at their door, especially back then. (Half a shekel or possibly a shekel would've been the norm.)

Add to that the fact that her husband did not immediately toss the receipt in the garbage...

The wife realized her husband had a natural attraction toward giving.

He apparently felt compassion toward others.

She hung the receipt on the wall where he ate his meals as a constant reminder of his generosity.

After that, he gave increasing larger amounts of tzedakah.

At one point, his wife put the larger receipts (or form-letter thank yous?) in frames before hanging them on the wall.

Over time, people & organizations in need started seeking out her husband.

Then her husband become more active in the community, actively doing all sorts of chessed with both his body and his money.

The rebbetzin telling this story expressed her pleased disbelief at the social and actively chessed-oriented person this man became.

He also went from being seen as inactive to zariz (alacritous).

It reminded me of Shlomo Hamelech's Proverb regarding how the husband of an aishet chayil (woman of valor) will be "known in the gates" and "dwell with the respected elders of the land."

In a sense, that's what happened with the husband of this particular aishet chayil.

And it was all in the merit of the influence of his wise wife.

(But if he hadn't shown this initial inclination toward tzedakah or if he was davka an innately stingy & cruel person, she would never have been able to influence him until HE would decide to break those bad middot.)

You Can Only Ever Influence a Person according to His Will, Not Yours

Again, it's important to note in the above stories, the wives' influence worked according to the natural tendencies of their husbands.

Both women noted their husbands' innately positive tendencies, then went to work accordingly.

This is something all wives should aim for.

However, you cannot "break" someone's middot for them.

THEY need to do the work themselves.

In other words: You cannot force people to make radical inner improvements without their active desire to do so.

In the story with the husband who only ever improved his bein adam l'Makom behavior, he never left his comfort zone.

Yes, he transferred his intellectual capabilities from the secular to the holy.

And that is a huge accomplishment. He'll receive reward for that.

But his innate negative traits? His insensitivity, crankiness, passive-aggressive behavior, and extreme lack of gratitude?

He never changed any of that.

And without going into identifying details, both my friend and the children ended up suffering long-term irreparable consequences from his failings.

Yes, they all have happy lives now. But certain vital components are missing.

True, they all adjusted (each in his or her own way) to those missing components.

But the husband could have provided those components.

Only he never wanted to. And then he died. And there's no fixing it now.

(Maybe that sounds overly dramatic, but just please take my word for it. I can't go into more detail than that.)

Ultimately, he wasn't interested in breaking his middot, just adjusting his middot within his comfort zone.

You Can't Do the Work for Them. Each Person has a Mission Only THEY Can Fulfill.

We all have bechirah (the freedom to choose).

We all have the ability to influence and be influenced positively.

We all have an obligation to "break" our middot as much as we can.

In fact, breaking our middot is our primary purpose in This World!

Even when breaking our middot feels painful and overwhelming, we can find joy and fulfillment in the knowledge of what a wonderful thing we are doing for ourselves and for the world.

(Breaking middot sweetens Heavenly judgement, in addition to fulfilling our purpose of being and earning us a fabulous World to Come. Think about it...)

But we cannot break another person's middot.

Even as their spouse and even with tremendous good intentions & wisdom...we cannot go against a person's own bechirah.

We cannot break their middot for them.

We can only ever try to influence them to go in whatever positive direction they wish to go (if they wish to go in a positive direction at all...some do not).

But each person possesses his or her own bechirah.

And ultimately, it's up to them.

Related posts:
the-torah-view-on-shalom-bayis-obligations-why-we-need-to-make-sure-the-guidance-we-receive-comes-from-authentic-torah-hashkafah.html

our-inspiration-cannot-be-based-on-once-in-a-generation-or-millennium-outliers-torah-methods-are-attainable-and-not-unobtainable.html

Mafia Wives Who Influenced Their Husbands to Leave the Mob: Who Succeeded, Who Didn't, and Why

Are You Feeling Shortchanged in Life? Lacking in Talent or Self-Discipline or a Loving Torah Upbringing? Do You Fear You're Overwhelmed by Your Own Sins, Flaws, and Disorders? Do You Feel Like a Nobody? Despised? Rejected? Then Read This...

23/6/2022

I never meant to regularly spotlight gems from The Bitachon Magazine.

A friend (thanks, NEJ!) simply started forwarding it to my Inbox & I started perusing it, seriously impressed and inspired by all the gems found within.

I definitely need to receive exactly the type of chizuk found in the magazine. And others let me know they need this kind of chizuk too.

So from The Bitachon Magazine of Parshat Shelach, Volume 1, Issue 10 (and also in Bitachon Weekly for Parshat Shelach 5782 on pages 2-3), here's yet another gem from Rabbi Yehuda Mandel:

Those who were shortchanged in life, for example they weren’t Zoche to go to some top Yeshiva, or to some unusual Adam Gadol, some great Yichus, or a Gevaldige Chinuch where you are all set for Gadlus; can actually come out ahead in certain ways.

You may be lacking in Kishronos, or a healthy Torah and/or warm loving background, or in being pure and consistent.

Or you aren’t organized and M’sudar, and you suffer from being the “nobody” of your family and/or Yeshiva.

By the way, I saw this heartbreaking dynamic repeatedly throughout the years.

In a malfunctioning family, the black sheep "nobody" of the family is often the child with the best middot.

No joke.

If the mother is a narcissist, she often despises the nicest child and favors another—sometimes she even favors the child with the worst middot. This usually continues into the children's adulthood, often forever.

(For some reason, this specific dynamic is less likely to happen via the father.)

When you see it as an outsider, it's confusing and you're left wondering whether you're missing something in your perception of the apparently nice but rejected family member or whether there's some history that you remain ignorant of. (Like maybe this nice-yet-despised person used to behave horribly or something.)

And sure, it could be that...

...but it's just as likely the mother is seriously messed up and cannot find it in herself to appreciate the child who is so much better than the mother herself could ever dream of being.

So sometimes (but not always!) being rejected or despised within one's family paradoxically indicates your superior character and greatness.

(And growing up in such a torturous dynamic is also from Hashem. These wonderful-yet-despised children can work on themselves in ways and achieve inner growth others cannot.)

Rabbi Mandel continues:

You feel like a failure, or simply not capable.

You may unfortunately be loaded with all kinds of sins, Chas V’shalom.

“Problems” In Life Force a Person to Become A First-Rate Baal Bitachon

These and many more are forced to go only to Hashem; and if they persist then they can come out ahead of everyone.

You have a special place by Hashem, even if others are superior to you in Torah, Avoda, Nachas, or talent [Kish'ron] etc.

You learn to rely heavily on Tefila.

You may have to give up some Torah and Chesed, and even some Parnasa, to spend more time with Hashem and Shaar HaBitachon.

R' Dovid Bleicher Zatzal says that the Baal Bitachon gets special service in Shamayim.

He is a favorite of Hashem, and a [mekurav l'Malchut] — a member of the royal palace.

Again, the theme here is not about being perfect.

It's not even about achievement, but being sincere and just doing the work.

From this same issue, here's another gem from Devorah Silberman (emphasis my own addition):

If one experiences times of feeling of distance and low spirituality, instead of believing that they have failed, they should instead recognize that this is the way Hashem has designed us to be.

The Tanya in Chapter 15 writes that our work in this world involves continuous struggle.

As well as the inspiring Mashal that the Maggid of Mezritch gives:

That Hashem hides Himself to give us the opportunity to play a holy and ultimate game of hide and seek with the power of all powers.

The reason He sometimes hides is so that we will have the opportunity to seek Him and become even closer!

Mrs. Bassie Goldman says that our fluctuating relationship is the plan of Hashem.

Just like how a heartbeat goes up and down.

She also says that if we could choose to always have the connection we want to have, obviously we would choose the connection that we want to have!

So this is proof that when we are in a place of disconnection, we did not choose it.

It means Hashem's will is taking place in our life now.

The Steipler Goan ZT"L then adds that although we may not have the choice to have an always 100% static connection to Him at all times, it is in our choice to positive acts of connection-seeking that will help us over time.

We should feel really good about ourselves that we even care about bitachon, emunah, being frum, connecting to Hashem, finding meaning in Torah and mitzvot, and so on.

If we feel disgruntled about a lack in our lives...or our flaws and transgressions get us down...

...we should davka feel GOOD about this as evidence we care about the right things!

That angst makes you special.

And your angst should transform into simcha because it means you're part of a Godly elite.

Case in point:

In the American Regret Project survey of 16,000 people, only 10% expressed regret for morally wrong actions.

Do you think that's because those 16,000 Americans are so perfected, they simply have not committed moral wrongs, so have nothing to regret?

No, of course not.

Morality has gone down throughout society. People suffer warped values and do not even care about morality, except the kind of "morality" offering them comfy definitions.

So those thousands surveyed expressed regret for not having stayed in touch with their high school buddy.

They expressed regret over not working hard enough to get a promotion or not going to bed on time.

They expressed regret over not living their dreams.

But as far as regret over having lied, stolen, cheated, been mean to someone?

Only 1600 out of the 16,000 surveyed expressed regret for those kinds of moral reasons.

(That's really disturbing, if you think about it.)

So your disappointments and struggles with yourself mean that YOU ARE REALLY AWESOME!!!

So please take note of the words of bitachon excerpted above and use them to access your authentic wonderful self b'simcha.

(Or at least, with as much simcha or pleasure as you can muster in any given moment. No pressure...)

For links related to this topic:

Note:

The Bitachon Magazine features other encouraging stories and gems, plus inspiring poetry from different poets, including Nechumelle Jacobs.

The Bitachon Magazine is related to & under the auspices of Rabbi Yehuda Mandel, but not the same as Bitachon Weekly. The Bitachon Magazine consists of only 4 pages and seems geared more for women (though the above excerpts clearly benefit men too).

I'm not associated with this wonderful initiative in any way, but just passing on subscription information to whoever's interested:

To have The Bitachon Magazine emailed to you weekly, please send a request to bitachonmagazine@gmail.com

You can also sponsor or donate to the magazine via contacting them by that same email. When you sponsor or donate, any chizuk or positive results from the magazine also go into your Heavenly account, increasing your merits.

And no, I get no percentage if you do it. They don't even know I exist...

What to Do with the Idea of "Hashem Doesn't Give a Person a Test They Cannot Handle" when You Feel You Davka CANNOT Handle It–Some Revolutionary Insights from The Bitachon Magazine

8/6/2022

The following article appeared in The Bitachon Magazine, Parshas Bechukosai, Volume 1, Issue 6.

In discussing a very common Torah idea with which many struggle, the following article contains amazing Torah ideas that aren't well-known...but knowing the following ideas makes all the difference in both understanding & internalizing this common Torah idea.

(Thank you very much to NEJ for forwarding it!)

WHAT IF I CANNOT HANDLE IT?!

By: Devorah Silberman

"Hashem doesn’t give a person a test that they cannot handle.”

It is hard to find someone who truly feels strengthened by this phrase.

It’s discussed in either resentful or curious tones with close friends, rabbis' and in therapists' offices. “How can this phrase be literal and accurate?” It’s a topic that raises much confusion amongst those who have faced enormous hurdles in their lives.

Perhaps they have rock solid Emunah, and resonate with almost everything else that they learn, but are puzzled by how to relate to this pusuk.

Oddly enough, despite all the remarkable and profound explanations for what this pusuk truly means, most people don’t seem to have an awareness that there are multiple explanations to what this phrase truly means Bamidbar Rabbah 13:15-16 explains that there are 70 layers to the Torah.

Every single Pusuk has many levels and layers of meaning. Each of the 70 layers are all true at the same time.

Additionally, The Ramchal writes in Maamar al Haggados, that at times, we feel like certain words of Chazal and other Torah Sources seem opposing only because we ourselves misinterpret them.

This sometimes happens when we do not realize the parameters that limit the specific pusuk.

(In other words: We sometimes take the words we hear or read out of context to what they truly mean.)

Although there are multiple explanations on the phrase “Hashem doesn’t give a test you cannot handle,” in this article, I would like to write three that I think are the most insightful.

1: Does Hashem only send us tests that we can pass and that every person should be able to control themselves and be victorious when such tests are presented?

The answer is Yes and No.

Yes, because every test that Hashem sends us is within our ability to pass, but No because we don’t always know what the test is.

Rabbi Yisroel Reisman quotes R’Tzaadok Hakoen (Rabbi Reisman says this in multiple shuirim – one of those shuirim entitled “Oh, the things people say!”) brings out this point from the story of Yehudah and Tamar.

Despite the fact that Yehudah was involved with Tamar, in a way that is unbecoming from a man of his stature, we find no mention of punishment, rebuke, or even sin for his act.

Yet, when Tamar becomes expecting, she is asked and we see multiple Mefarshim praising Yehudah for admitting to what he caused.

This is due to the fact that Yehudah was placed in a situation where he was not able to overcome his temptation and it was too hard for him to refrain from committing this act; therefore, no sin was ascribed to him.

Yehudah’s test did not lie in the act itself; rather he was tested in his ability to admit it in a later date.

Since we do not know what Hashem is testing us, so we must do our utmost best in every area. Rabbi Golombeck Shlita often speaks about not focusing on the result or outcome but rather on your efforts. As long as we genuinely did our utmost best, the results would not be in our control (of course this would only apply when one knows they sincerely did their actual best).

Similarly, the Steipler Goan ZT”L wrote many letters to people with mental health challenges and in one such letter, he writes on a similar point.

The letter was sent in by a student suffering from obsessive heretical thoughts.

He regularly had serious thoughts that most Jews do not have to the same extent that he did.

Yet, no matter to what he tried, it was to no avail. He could not find the key to getting rid of these thoughts flooding his mind on a daily basis.

The Steipler wrote the following critical message:

“It appears that at the current time, you are not capable of free choice in this area. Rather, which is under your control and your free choice is to do positive things that will help over time.” (In today’s world, for someone suffering from obsessive and uncontrollable thoughts, this would usually mean going for therapy and doing other helpful mind conditioning exercises as well as taking medication if needed.)

(This first explanation is taken from the book Battle of the Mind by Rabbi Avrohom Steier. Book for Torah based inspiration for those with emotional challenges. Book copies can be obtained through aasteier@gmail.com)

2: Another explanation is that we grow into people who can handle them.

We certainly as Yidden, believe that we soar to new spiritual heights through challenges.

If we reach new levels, it would mean that we didn’t start out on the level we reached through the challenge. Which would mean that we grow into people who can handle them.

3: The last but definitely not least interpretation of the phrase that is very close to my heart is the following:

When you hear the phrase “Hashem doesn’t give you a test that you cannot handle” and you feel resentful towards this phrase. The reason you feel resentful is because the person who said the phrase did not finish their sentence. They should add the two words “without Him.”

“Hashem doesn’t give you a test you cannot handle – without Him.”

You need to ask Hashem to give you the strength to handle it in the best way possible.

Bracha Kaila Levin A”H was someone who I was so close to.

Among the myriad of unbelievable inspiring stories I have about all that she did, one that illustrates this idea so well is the last conversation I ever had with her.

She was in the hospital on oxygen and was still so eager to learn with me over the phone.

She was losing her ability to move and know that soon she was expected to lose her ability to talk.

I asked her how she does all that she does with so much strength and loads of Emunah. Out of the many things she told me, she said something that never left my memory.

“I constantly, ask Hashem in my own words give me the strength to handle it in the best way possible.”

We often beg Hashem to take our difficult circumstance away. And we should! But we must also include the tefilla of asking for Him to grant us the ability to handle our situation until our awaited Yeshuah comes.

Please note a major idea here:

The nisayon is NOT always what you THINK it is.

And just to emphasize: The above examples do not mean life is a free-for-all and we can indulge ourselves at whim because, hey, "Hashem made me do it!"

No, no, no.

But I think we've all found ourselves in situations in which we know the right way to respond and we genuinely try to respond that way...and instead, we crash and burn.

And this does not speak to the people who justify their prohibited behavior by saying vaguely, "Oh, it's really not so bad"—when it really is." "Everyone loses their temper sometimes..."—when you actually lose your temper regularly. "Oh well, what can I do now? Just try harder, I guess"—when you've never tried that hard and have no strategy for trying harder in the future.

Yehudah did not indulge in any of those vague justifications.

He could have said, "Oh, it really wasn't so bad..." Or "Everyone indulges their taavos sometimes..."—which was certainly true in ancient Mesopotamia, especially for outwardly powerful, handsome, successful, and charismatic men like Yehudah.

But in Yehudah's supreme integrity and humility, he did NOT engage in such justifications.

Nor did he dismiss his behavior as "cute," "clever," or "funny."

He knew the act was strictly forbidden and he tried to control it, but honestly could not.

And that's what this idea addresses.

As the author herself notes above:

As long as we genuinely did our utmost best, the results would not be in our control (of course this would only apply when one knows they sincerely did their actual best).

Side note: Deep reasons exist for Yehudah's detour from conventional halachah. One reason states that such an anti-Torah union fooled the Satan and the forces of evil, who would otherwise prevent Mashiach—who descends from this union—from coming into this world. (Tamar is a great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother of David Hamelech.) That's an oversimplification of an issue, which may arouse more questions than it answers. But in a nutshell? There you go.

For more, please see here: Shavuos: The Mysterious Ancestry of David HaMelech–ww.torahanytime.com/#/lectures?v=60987)

Practical Application of the Concept

So let's look at some of the most inspiring and practical points within the article:

Yehudah’s test did not lie in the act itself; rather he was tested in his ability to admit it in a later date.

In other words, again: Your nisayon isn't always what you (or others) think it is.

And the idea of valuing your efforts regardless of the outcome:

Since we do not know what Hashem is testing us, so we must do our utmost best in every area. Rabbi Golombeck Shlita often speaks about not focusing on the result or outcome but rather on your efforts.

And the Steipler's words (to what possibly seems like a form of OCD):

“It appears that at the current time, you are not capable of free choice in this area. Rather, which is under your control and your free choice is to do positive things that will help over time.”

Unlike most of modern psychology (which considers a person's flaws as all-encompassing & permanent), the Steipler considers this person's mental state as temporary.

Please contrast the Steipler's Torah-true attitude to the mainstream approach toward alcoholism (for example). Mainstream treatment considers alcoholism a permanent state of "disease" (even if the person has been sober for 37 years)—and even if the "disease" aspects can be explained via non-disease concepts.

Or contrast the Steipler's response to how modern mainstream psychology and psychiatry consider any type of mental illness as requiring medication for the rest of one's life.

Maybe a mental illness does require that.

But why is that the automatic assumption?

And why is it presented as the only option (when other options often clearly exist)?

And why is much of the psychiatric community so insistent & forceful about this assumption?

Many times, mental illness is not a lifetime sentence.

And medication is not necessarily the permanent answer either. (Although medication can be a temporary or occasional answer...and maybe in some cases it is the permanent answer.)

Furthermore, many professionals and lay people consider these conditions all-encompassing. Meaning, they don't much acknowledge what the person CAN do, but focus on their dysfunction as the primary (and permanent) part of them.

For instance, many schizophrenics are also highly sensitive, creative, and more intelligent than average.

Why not focus on cultivating their gifts while treating their afflictions?

Not all opinions agree with mainstream pop psychology, of course.

For example, Dr William Glasser considered mental illness curable over time with the right attitude and right behavior modification and motivation.

(Yes, even severe illnesses like schizophrenia. And his patients did indeed overcome their mental illnesses. Oddly, Dr. Glasser's success with mental illness is barely studied in university psychology and almost unknown in the mainstream...)

Another psychiatrist cured a young woman of OCD with a combination of therapy and treating her gut with probiotics.

And other exceptions also exist.

The Torah way of hope and optimism and emunah is the true & most effective route.

Hope for the Tried and Still Trying!

For those who are truly trying yet feel frustrated, emotionally exhausted, and conflicted...I very much hope the above article helps.

It's also a brilliant discussion of the common concept of "Hashem doesn’t give a person a test that they cannot handle.”

I know it helped me a lot & offered new insights.

Hopefully, we can use the above ideas to better help ourselves and others.

Note:
The Bitachon Magazine is related to but not the same as Bitachon Weekly. The Bitachon Magazine consists of only 4 pages and seems geared more for women (though the above article clearly benefits men too).

I'm not associated with this wonderful initiative in any way, but just passing on subscription information to whoever's interested:

To have The Bitachon Magazine emailed to you weekly, please send a request to bitachonmagazine@gmail.com

"The Torah was Not Meant for Angels"—So It's Also Not Meant for the Chronically Elusive "Mr. Perfect." What Does that Mean for the Rest of Us?

1/6/2022

Here's another treat from Bitachon Weekly:

In Novardok they said, “The Pope never sins, but we do.”

This is a gentile mentality; that you have to be perfect.

A Jew derives simcha just by serving Hashem; not by being Mr. Perfect.

We enjoy doing Teshuva.

We are positive about our faults.

We realize that you just have to try your best.

"The Torah was not meant for the angels" (Gemaras Brachot 25:b, Yoma 30:a, Kiddushin 54:a).

— Rabbi Yehuda Mandel
Bitachon Weekly Bamidbar/Shavuos 5782

That's a cleverly satirical quote about the Pope because he was traditionally considered saintly, even though no Pope ever was.

(I still remember coming across a Pope who begat 10 illegitimate children even as he sat on the Papal throne. And that does not even begin to cover the Popes who won their role by assassinating the previous Pope or terrible fake trials, tortures, and slaughters carried out on their orders.)

The 2 Main Problems with Toxic Shame

What does toxic shame lead to?

To 2 problematic consequences:

(1) Toxic shame prevents teshuvah.

Because a person refuses to acknowledge his flaw exists OR he acknowledges it, but minimizes it by considering it cute, clever, or funny...then he never works on it.

He never tries to uproot it or fix it in any way because, hey, it's not really there.

(2) It causes a person to live a lie.

You aren't your negative attributes. They aren't even your fault at their root; Hashem placed them there because HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO BE PERFECT; HE WANTS YOU TO WORK ON BEING PERFECT.

(But WITHOUT getting neurotic about achieving perfection or not being perfect. Because actual perfection is NOT the point.)

If you ultimately manage to perfect yourself, then that's because Hashem allowed that to happen.

But that's not the point. The point is the work and the ratzon/desire to improve.

(A lot of people are not destined to actually achieve conventional self-perfection. For many people, their self-perfection is paradoxically their lack of success. Please see here for more explanation: www.myrtlerising.com/blog/what-if-you-lean-more-toward-esav-than-yaakov-avinu-the-perfect-mitzvah-for-imperfect-people)

Your soul is pristine and holy; THAT soul is the REAL YOU.

How to Fight Toxic Shame & Embrace the Real You

So many people suffer from toxic shame.

If people don't feel how society insists they should feel, if we suffer compulsions and desires deemed unwholesome or forbidden...then we feel like, "Ooh, this is the REAL ME. So bad. I better cover it up—even from myself!"

But really, our attitude should be like: "Gosh, I've got some pretty serious faults. Well, what else is new? That's exactly how Hashem designed things! The Torah was created for people just like me! Yippee-yay!"

And also: "My flaws and guilty pleasures do not indicate the real me. The real me is my beautiful and pristine neshamah."

Again, the mere existence of our flaws, desires, guilty pleasures, etc., do NOT reflect on us.

HOW we RESPOND to our negative attributes reflects on us.

And also how we respond to our positive attributes...do we even acknowledge them?

To receive Bitachon Weekly by email, feel free to send a request to:
thenewbitachonweekly@gmail.com

Please note: I've no connection with Bitachon Weekly; just find their material uniquely amazing & wish to spread this wonderful dose of sanity in an increasingly insane world.

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