Category: Teshuvah

Great Things are Happening

17/9/2018

I just wanted to point out 2 powerfully positive developments (H/T Yeranen Yaakov):

Ben Gurion Airport to Shut Down for Yom Kippur

For the First Time, Kinneret Beaches to be Closed for Yom Kippur

These are steps in the right direction.

Eretz Yisrael is spiritually sensitive and cannot tolerate desecration, which is why she is described as a Land that can vomit out her inhabitants.

Particularly with the shut-down of a major airport, I'd think that the logistics of doing so are quite complex.

And of course, there are those who rage against these advances (although the beaches were also closed for Memorial Day and that was fine with these same inconsistent protesters).

But the truth is that observing halacha ultimately saves lives and only brings blessing in the end, especially when mesirut nefesh is involved.

This is a big zechut for Am Yisrael and may it only increase.

Kol hakavod to all those involved.

May everyone have an easy fast and may we all merit to do complete teshuvah & have our teshuvah accepted by Hashem.

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What Should You Chat about with Hashem?

17/9/2018

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I just read a very useful article on talking to God.

He explains that by talking through your entire day with Hashem, you can rectify that day.

Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender also mentions this in Words of Faith.

The idea is that you should sit down and start talking to Hashem as if He is your Most Caring & Intimate Friend, who is Totally Trustworthy and Forever Forgiving.

In other words, the Unlimited Infinite Wholly-Omnipotent Master of the Universe is your personal BFF.

And then you speak about everything that passed over you during the day and everything you did—like a chatty report of your day.

This really chirked me up because as I’ve said before, I was always a dreamy type. Not ADD because I can focus well-enough, but sometimes what’s going on in my head can be more compelling than what’s going on around me, even if it’s something I’m actively doing myself.

Because I read Rav Arush's article at late morning, I felt it would be doable to start with the moment I woke up this morning. It seemed I could avoid getting distracted in the middle because we are only talking about a few hours, not 24 hours.

So I started with how my husband woke me up nicely and even though I was initially extremely sleepy due to having gone to bed way too late the night before, I still managed to get up at my husband’s first mumble and a minute later, I really felt fine and not sleep-deprived at all.

Yet I fully realized that this was nothing for which I could take credit because it is irrational to think that not only can I get up after such little sleep, but also feel perfectly fine a minute after doing so (especially since I haven’t gotten much sleep over the past few weeks AND a child already woke me up for a moment even earlier this morning)—and manage this all on my own koach.

Absurd, right?

So once again, it was “Thanks, Hashem! Very Nice & Generous of You—especially since it was my own fault that I went to bed so late in the first place!”

See? Very Forgiving is He.

And so it continued. I found things I did wrong (even though I’d only been awake for 5 hours so far), got some great insight into something I thought was innocent or neutral but was actually inconsiderate to Hashem, and also saw that anything good I seemed to have accomplished was yet another manifestation of Hashem’s Kindness to me because it involved accomplishments that I’m not capable of on my own (like not overeating, not obsessing over something worrisome, etc.).

So it was some nice fault-finding, slate-cleansing…and most importantly, feeling The Love.

I think this is a good way to start small if you tend to get distracted, overwhelmed, bored, or bogged down with the whole talking-to-God-in-your-own-words thing.

Please read Rav Arush’s article for more inspiration and a tip for when you’re truly tongue-tied:
A Prayer-Insurance Policy

And also, please read a previous post which is sort of Part I to this post:
The #1 Thing You Can Do to Cancel Negative Decrees

Well, I hope this works for you (if you hadn't been doing it already) and I hope it continues to work for me too because God knows I really need it.

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The #1 Thing You Can Do to Cancel Negative Decrees

16/9/2018

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Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender lived as a humble tzaddik in the Ukraine despite targeted Communist persecution. Because of their dedication to mitzvah observance, he and Rav Eliyahu Chaim Rosen even spent several weeks in a KGB prison, not knowing until the moment of release whether they would be murdered and discarded in an unknown grave.

In the book of his lectures, Words of Faith, Rav Bender stresses the importance of knowing that your prayers and words of Torah are of tremendous significance to Hashem.

ANY mitzvah or holy act is significant in the eyes of God.

On page 325, Vol I, Rav Bender exhorts you to have faith in yourself, explaining that you must say to yourself and to your yetzer hara:

“Even my actions, however they may be, are significant. Even my prayer is important in the eyes of Hashem Yitbarach.”

He defines this as “ ‘faith in oneself,’ which is imperative to advance in serving Hashem…”

Rav Bender explains the power of speaking to Hashem in your own words in a focused manner:

“If you merit to say words that come from peace of mind—words of hitbodedut between you and your Maker—they are definitely significant. Moreover, they smash through heavens! They are able to nullify decrees.”

(I’m assuming that “peace of mind” is “yishuv hadaas” in the original Yiddish.)

When a person focuses himself to speak out loud to Hashem, Hashem figuratively turns away from all His preoccupations and listens.

And because Hashem turns away from all His “Business” and all the matters “occupying” Him, He is NOT making decrees.

“Automatically, all decrees are nullified.”

So according to Rav Bender, you need to:

Have faith in yourself & the power of your prayers.
Know that your heartfelt words and good deeds (however imperfect they may be) are of tremendous significance.
Clear your mind of other distractions.
Focus your heart & mind toward Hashem.
Speak to Hashem as you'd speak to a close & genuinely caring friend.

Rav Bender emphasizes that this is the far-reaching power of ANYONE who “speaks words before Hashem Yitbarach.”

“But,” he concludes, “you need to know this and believe in it.”

May we all merit to speak words that smash through the heavens & nullify all negative decrees.

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How to Read Tehillim according to Your Individual Needs

12/9/2018

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Kavanah for the Different Words of Tehillim

In the Pele Yoetz's chapter on Rosh Hashanah, he provides recommendations for reading Tehillim:

Every place that mentions enemies (oyavim), haters (sonim), oppressors (tzarim), etc., you should have in mind the Heavenly prosecutors (mekatrigim), who are are the true enemies: enemies of our souls.
Every place that mentions misfortune (tzarah), distress (tzukah), etc., you should have in mind your own personal distress
Every place that mentions "life," you should have in mind 2 things:

1) Your spiritual existence:

that you should be alive
that you should feel the love of God all your days
that you should feel the fear of God all your days

2) Your physical existence:

you should want to live in order to serve your Creator
you should not be the cause of any anger or grief for Hashem or the Shechinah
you should complete the rectification (tikkun) of your body, spirit, and soul.

If it helps to know, the Malbim defines the above words as follows:

Oyev (enemy) – Hidden enemy, one who hates in his heart and wishes one evil
Soneh (hater) – Hates without wishing one evil
Tzar (oppressor) – He actively torments
Metzukah, tzukah (distress) – Emotional, internal troubles and suffering
Tzarot, tzarah (misfortune) – Outer troubles, troubles that come upon a person

In addition to the above kavanot, the Pele Yoetz encourages you to keep in mind that there are deep secrets in the words of Tehillim, so your intent should also be according to the intent of David Hamelech.

As the Pele Yoetz explains [Vol. II, pg. 289]:

When a person says Tehillim with humility, from the depths of his heart and his intention is for the desires of Heaven, the words are ancient, words of the living God that were said by the holy Divinely inspired mouth of David Hamelech, whose merit should protect us. They will certainly bear "fruit" and he will thus find his redemption, and he will be written the Book of Good Life, which refers to the life of the soul.

How to Read Tehillim according to Your Individual Ability

The Pele Yoetz repeats the well-known recommendation to read all of Tehillim twice because there are 150 chapters of Psalms and 150+150=300, which is the numeric equivalent of kaper (atone).

He recommends doing this over Rosh Hashanah (read all of Tehillim each day for those 2 days), but I've heard others recommend doing this over the 10 Days of Teshuvah, which comes out to a book day. (Tehillim is split up into 5 books containing around 30-40 chapters each.)

While the Pele Yoetz lauds the recitation containing proper understanding of the meaning of the words, he adds that if one doesn't know the actual meaning, one should at least read them carefully letter by letter, word by word.

(I'm assuming there was no Bulgarian translation of Tehillim available at that time because he doesn't mention reading Tehillim in another language for those who can't understand the Hebrew, which is admittedly very hard Hebrew, harder than the Hebrew of Chumash. In Israel, they sell Tehillim with the modern Hebrew "translation" underneath each word because the syntax and vocabulary of Tehillim can be so challenging until you learn it well enough.)

Needless to say, translations of Tehillim exist in almost every language, so you can use that too.

I personally know of illiterate women who cannot even read the words. Instead, they place their finger on each word and look at it. And in this way, they can participate in saying Tehillim, even as they technically remain completely silent.

It's the heart and the intention that counts.

At the same time, the Pele Yoetz repeats a well-known statement of the Sages in Tur, Orach Chaim, Siman 1:
"A small amount with proper intent is better than a large amount without proper intent."
("Tov me'at b'kavanah m'harbot b'lo kavanah.")

So each person needs to know his or her own heart and capabilities.

And again, more than anything else, it's the heart that counts.

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How to Release the Diamond Spark Trapped in the Klippah of Muck

6/9/2018

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Sometimes, it seems like it’s too hard to fulfill mitzvot like giving the benefit of the doubt or judging others favorably or finding the merits in others.

And these have gotten an undeserved reputation for difficulty, mostly because of an overly idealistic presentation.

So the truth is that:

Digging out a merit in another person does not excuse their abusive behavior.
Judging another person favorably does not whitewash forbidden behavior.
Giving the benefit of the doubt is actually forbidden when you know the person is an intentional unrepentant sinner. Assuming the best of intentions regarding a person who has repeatedly proven him or herself to be manipulative, exploitative, or sadistic actually causes harm to yourself and others (because your rosy disassociated state prevents you from protecting yourself and others from that person’s harm).

You still need to find some kind of good point in them, but you don’t need to expect them to behave ethically when they’ve proven they neither know nor care to do so.

In fact, the exhortation against chanifah prohibits us from labeling a Torah-prohibited behavior as good when it’s actually bad.

Acting like it’s okay or excusable to wreak havoc on a person’s family or community simply because that person endured a difficult upbringing (or whatever) is wrong.

But saying, “This person is probably a good person at heart, but they apparently didn’t manage to rise to the challenge of a difficult upbringing. Their behavior feels right to them, even though it’s wrong. They don’t mean to be horrible. They either aren’t thinking or if they are thinking, they’re thinking wrongly. If they somehow knew better, they'd be better.”

That’s judging the person favorably.

They’re not innately evil—maybe they were even born good! Maybe Hashem even gifted them with many good points that aren’t yet actualized. They don’t mean to be horrible, they either aren’t thinking or they’re thinking down the wrong path, so to speak.

That’s a favorable judgment that can safely be used even in extreme situations.

But most importantly, find a merit or good point in the other person.

A diamond in the rough

A REAL merit, not just lip service or an act of sarcasm or flippance.

Finding a good quality in another can ignite a person to do teshuvah without either you or them knowing it.

The good within us co-exists with the bad.

The bad is like a thick ugly klippah-peel weighing down upon our gem-like qualities.

Our diamonds are trapped within a klippah-shell of toughened muck.

A Story of Clashing Co-Existence

For example, I knew a woman who is very bitter and resentful toward Hashem.

She constantly complains and harps over every bad thing that has ever happened to her.

Even with a positive scenario, she picks it apart to scrape out whatever negatives can be found. She dominates every conversation with her gloom.

And because she is so miserable and self-absorbed, she sometimes insults people without realizing it. This only adds to her “the world is a heartless place” conviction as the offended person responds with anger and she can’t understand why the insulted person is being so "mean" to her.

And it’s true that she has endured some real challenges in life, challenges that would bring anyone down. Yet those challenges don’t condemn her to a life of gloom.

(In fact, based on things she has said and what mussar books say, I think at least 2 of her big challenges result from her insistence on seeing the worst of everything, calling Hashem names during hitbodedut, and acting like any expression of gratitude is beyond her. But obviously, I can’t know for sure.)

For whatever the reason, she made a series of choices that resulted in becoming the kind of person she became.

And yet…

I definitely see a wonderful person underneath a lot of klippah:

She cares about people she perceives as suffering and invests tremendous effort and inconvenience to help them.
She’s empathetic toward babies and small children.
She’s devoted to her husband and I’m both impressed and admittedly mystified by their high level of shalom bayit.
When people are consistently kind to her (regardless of her gloom, self-centeredness, and unintentional insults), she genuinely appreciates them and she openly expresses her appreciation and gratitude for their kindness toward her.
She desperately wishes the world were a kinder and healthier place, and in her own bumbling blinded way, she does what she can to make it that way.

And that's not even all her positive qualities.

Fortunately, I don’t see her often, but when I do see her, I try my best to treat her with respect and relate to her according to her good points. It takes strenuous effort on my part to avoid getting dragged down by her gloom and misery, but it’s very worth it because underneath all the klippah, she really is a very good person who has suffered a lot, and I don’t want to hurt her further.

Baruch Hashem, several other people also insist on treating her with respect and compassion, and they daven for her.

And indeed, over the past couple of years, I think she has become “lighter.”

The Truth about People

Western society tells us that unless we point out the negative, we’re not being “honest.”

In modern Edom, honesty is defined by whether you see negativity.

Judaism says exactly the opposite:
You’re not being honest unless you notice the positive.

Judaism doesn’t consider you as seeing the whole picture unless you can see the positive aspects too (even there’s only one).

Yet fear (or perhaps a need to feel good) leads some Jews to understand this mitzvah superficially and they believe that if you see any negativity, then you’re remiss. They also wrongly feel that suffering excuses, justifies, or whitewashes halachically forbidden behavior.

(In all the stories of tzaddikim, I've never seen that giving the benefit of the doubt is ever used to "okay" behavior that is halachically forbidden and/or just plain bad middot. Even Rav Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev didn't justify or whitewash forbidden behavior, he tried to find a merit or a positive intention on the part of the errant one.)

So I don’t consider myself a Pollyanna or a fake or a moron for believing the woman above possesses some very great qualities.

At the same time, I also don’t consider myself an unspiritual or sinful or negative person for not only noticing that she suffers from some deeply problematic traits and beliefs, but for also realizing that her challenges don't need to define her in this way.

Her negativity, misery, ingratitude, and sometimes offensive behavior are not okay, despite her suffering.

But she's not innately horrible either. Underneath it all, she's very good.

She's both.

People aren’t either coal black or pristine white—they possess both.

And we can see both.

We shouldn’t be afraid to see both.

And if you can see the pristine light within another person, then that alone can spark them to do teshuvah.

You can see both & you can believe in their ability to change for the better.

And you can see both in yourself & believe in your own ability to change for the better too.

The Real You

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An Apology to All You Valued Readers

4/9/2018

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I want to apologize if anything written in this blog caused any harm to anyone.

Part of the official Jewish Vidui/Confession is ya’atznu aitzot ra’ot—we’ve recommended bad advice.

In an effort to avoid this sin, I base my recommendations either on people much greater than I could imagine being or on my own regrettable experience, hoping to help others avoid suffering the same pain and flops that I’ve suffered & benefiting from chizuk I either wish I’d had or have received and found helpful.

Having said that, maybe I messed up.

Maybe I misunderstood or miscommunicated an important idea, which messed you up.

Or maybe a post contains lashon hara or something wrong or useless or misleading.

Maybe a comment or email to you was tactless or insensitive or unnecessarily defensive.

(I aim for compassion and sensitivity, but because I usually have no idea to whom I'm emailing/commenting, I can totally flub up. Actually, I can totally flub up even if I know exactly to whom I'm speaking, darn it.)

For all the above, I’m truly sorry.

(You can also feel free to contact me for a personal apology or to point out something you know for a fact is halachically or factually wrong.)

May we all enjoy a sweet new year full of sweetened dinim/judgments.

May Hashem forgive us, may we forgive each other, and may we forgive ourselves and may each of us merit to fulfill our unique soul-potential.

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Discover How Gratitude Activates Real Teshuvah

3/9/2018

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Rav Shalom Arush’s Garden of Gratitude fleshes out everything you need to know about the importance of gratitude, including how & why it works.

It’s a genuinely inspiring book, yet its impact is so powerful, I recommend reading Garden of Emuna first.

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel that had I read Garden of Gratitude before reading Garden of Emuna, it would’ve hit me too hard and I just wouldn’t have been able to absorb it properly.

Then there is the easily digestible Garden of Miracles: Say Thank You & See Salvation.

There, you’ll find letters and testimonies from around the world of people of different religious backgrounds, ethnicities, and nationalities who read Garden of Emuna, started expressing gratitude to Hashem, and discovered an expanded mind and heart, plus an improved life. Some of the stories are quite amazing.

Gratitude as Cheshbon Hanefesh

At first glance, it doesn’t seem logical that simply saying “Thank You, Hashem, for this and thank You, Hashem, for that” can not only reap miracles, but also effect self-transformation.

In fact, gratitude seems almost like a sneaky short-cut around doing real get-your-hands-dirty self-scrutiny and cheshbon hanefesh.

But looking at a mussar classic from nearly a thousand years ago, we find the Chovot Halevavot/Duties of the Heart details a 30-part cheshbon hanefesh that consists primarily of meditating on all the nice things Hashem has done for you.

(Seriously. Take a look at Shaar Cheshbon Hanefesh/Gate of Spiritual Accounting.)

For example, if you look at Cheshbon #2 in Chapter 3, it basically asks you to sit there and happily ruminate over all the body parts you enjoy and their functionality. (Do you have a tongue? Does it work? Great! How about your saliva production? Not too much, else you’d be drooling & not too little, else how would you ever swallow cinnamon-buttered toast?)

Chesbon #2 also references the symmetry of the human body.

For example, your elbows aren’t where your knees are and vice-versa. Your feet don’t extend from your shoulder joints and you don’t have hands where your feet should be.

In a world where each person endured the nisayon of randomly applied limbs, getting out of bed would be a major challenge. Meeting the most basic needs would consume our entire day every day. How would we ever progress beyond the most primitive tasks? Performing surgery or even “just” CPR would be impossible, as would any task that makes life more comfortable and convenient or produces great accomplishments.

Our intellect would suffer too because such a challenging life would leave us no time for intellectual pursuits or learning Torah. (How could we even scribe a Torah scroll or record chiddushim with an asymmetrical body?)

How Gratitude Creates Real Results

Okay, so what does all this grateful ruminating do for us?

When you know that everything really comes from Hashem and is good, that’s emuna and bitachon.

A grateful person is truly happy. Meaning, not hyper or frivolous, but content and feeling loved by the Creator.

A grateful person maintains constant connection to Hashem because in everything that happens, such a person immediately turns to Hashem, whether with praise or with a plea for help.

One who is grateful to Hashem doesn’t get depressed or detached. Such a person does not slip into sin. Feeling happy and fulfilled by his or her intimate relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu, what need does such a person have for taavot like food, drugs, illicit relationships, or violence?

Feeling happy and loved by Hashem, what urge does such a person have for revenge, hurting others, anger, depression, mockery, or wasting time?

Furthermore, such a person will naturally regret former forbidden behaviors because their state of gratitude and contentment is so compelling and fulfilling.

So such a person naturally regrets former forbidden actions and naturally wants to be good.

Furthermore, it’s easier for such a person to remedy and attempt to rectify past misdeeds.

Enveloped in bitachon (the certainty that everything that happens is good even if it’s not enjoyable), they know they have nothing to fear from admitting their mistakes, even if the other person is unforgiving and harsh. Since all money is from Hashem, they find it easier to pay back what they owe and make expensive amends.

One who truly believes that EVERYTHING is from Hashem holds no arrogance or pride. They just feel lucky and loved that Hashem gifted them whatever strong points or good fortune they enjoy.

Needless to say, I’m not on that level—but I sure would like to be!

Mashiach is Born from Gratitude

So that’s an overview of how gratitude works.

Our very name--Yehudi—comes from the word hoda’ah, l’hodot: to thank.

Upon Yehudah's birth, Leah Imeinu said, “ ‘Hapa’am odeh et Hashem—This time, I shall thank Hashem’ and she called his name Yehudah.”

Yehudah is the progenitor of Mashiach.

Leah, with all her suffering and loneliness, managed to wholeheartedly thank Hashem and thus merit the spark of Mashiach.

So gratitude to Hashem ignites the spark of Mashiach.

It’s there inside of us.

There might be a lot of darkness and muck to scrape through to get to it.

But it’s definitely there.

May we all merit basking in a state of continuous gratitude.

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Our Latest Research Indicates that Everything We've Been Promoting Based on Our Latest Research...is Wrong!

2/9/2018

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I just got an interesting quote in my Inbox [emphasis mine]:

In fact, we asked the people who participated in our research if they were getting therapy, and we discovered that there was a reasonably high correlation between getting therapy and getting a divorce. It was more likely that couples would get a divorce if they had therapy than if they had no therapy. This was especially true for individual therapy, but it was also true of couple therapy.

John Gottman, The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples

This issue is what has come up on this blog several times.

Conventional "solutions" touted throughout society as "the best" or "the only" solution to problems either don't help, don't help as much as needed, or even harm.

Despite the positive smiley encouraging presentation, such promotion of band-aid methods ultimately leads to despair.

Hashem loves you with a Love that you can't even imagine feeling yourself, no matter how much or how deeply you have ever loved another person. He is the Only One Who truly has your best interests and Who truly cares about you.

And He is the True Healer of all ills.

English-speaking frum media with the noblest of intentions continuously pushes secular solutions to problems, whether it’s therapy, medication, yoga, or anything else solidly recommended in secular society.

As I’ve said before, I think therapy can be helpful depending and I’m not necessarily against psychiatric medication used for very specific reasons for a very limited amount of time. (And according to my reading, yoga isn’t ever kosher even when it’s advertised as “kashered,” so that’s out.)

But even helpful therapy doesn’t usually solve the problem at its core. And its helpfulness depends so much on the chemistry between the therapist and client, how spiritually healthy and emuna-filled the therapist is, how much the therapist actually likes the client and sees the client's God-given potential, plus how much the therapist can help the client develop emuna and carry out a real cheshbon hanefesh...and much more.

Yet the most compassionate, caring, responsible response with which people are constantly bombarded is to encourage a suffering loved one is to "get professional help."

Psychology Problems

Therapy became very popular and acceptable when I was in my preteens. So over the decades, I’ve known many people who’ve gone into it. Yet I’ve rarely seen it do much more than make people feel somewhat better & more confident about themselves (which often did NOT translate into becoming better people).

Furthermore, it has become extremely common and aggressively encouraged in the frum community for people to seek “professional treatment” for everything.

That is considered the responsible response.

Yet mainstream psychology (and psychiatry, for that matter) keep insisting that there is no cure for dysfunctions like personality disorder or bipolar disorder or schizophrenia—despite the fact that people like Dr. William Glasser did cure many of his mentally ill patients at a mental hospital. (So mental illness CAN be curable—why do they insist it’s not? Why offer lifetime despair to mental patients?)

Psychiatry Problems

Psychiatry keeps insisting that psychiatric medications are the only way to treat mental illness despite both anecdotal evidence and a leading psychiatrist’s claims and research evidence that medication actually makes people worse in the long run, not better.

Yes, that’s right.

At the end of a lifetime of official, professional, “responsible” psychiatric treatment, the patient will not even be back to their original starting point of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder or whatever. They’ll be worse.

So how is that "treating" the illness?

As stated before, I don’t see a problem with temporary treatment. I can only imagine what a psychotic episode is like, and maybe someone needs a medicinal “kick” to get them out of a dark tortuous place and into a place where they can ponder their situation, its roots, and how to proceed.

But most (if not all) of what secular society recommends as "treatment" or "responsible" doesn't ultimately heal the problem.

How Did I Get Here?

I used to think therapy was the answer for all emotional ills.

Then I tried therapy. I tried it several short-term times with different therapists over the years for different reasons. Most were either not helpful at all or somewhat helpful, and a couple (the frum female ones) were pretty helpful—yet could not provide me with complete direction. (That needs to come in a quiet place from private discussions with Hashem.)

I also couldn't help noticing that others who'd undergone therapy still suffered from poor morality and psychological issues.

I also believed with all my heart that if I would cleave to a rabbinical-approved chinuch method (as taught by the rabbinically approved rebbetzin) and jump through every hoop insisted (no matter how high or how narrow), then I would succeed in turning out ideal frum children, which was my dearest dream.

(Note: To my knowledge, these authorizing rabbis don't hear the nitty-gritty details of the shitahs presented nor do they hear the stories told for emphasis. The authorizing rabbis go by a basic run-down of the shitah—which will always be presented in a Torah-based way because that's what the person truly believes he or she is doing--and the authorizing rabbis go by the integrity and middot of the person promoting the shitah. But just because the person knows how to deal with her own children or students doesn't mean that she knows how to deal with other people's children or even with other people who are very different than her.)

The books that helped me break away from the chinuch loop were (in the order I discovered them):

Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery by Riso & Hudson (helped me realize that much chinuch advice either does nothing or is the opposite of what a Type 8 child needs and can even worsen that child’s behavior)
The Case Against Adolescence: Rediscovering the Adult in Every Teen by Dr. Robert Epstein (validated a lot of my own against-the-stream observations since high school and proved that most “adolescent” behavior is actually culturally induced rather than the much-touted "teen brain"; also one of the only secular books of this type that not only doesn’t put down Judaism, Torah, etc, but even admires authentic Judaism)
Garden of Education by Rav Shalom Arush (this made me throw out every other chinuch book; it was all I needed)
Yeladim Mutzlachim by Rav Shalom Arush (its collection of prayers for chinuch is invaluable; and using historical examples of Gedolei Hador from all groups, it proves the importance of prayer and spiritual inner work for raising children)

And needless to say, both my children and I are still works in progress. None of us are perfect and we never will be. And because I'm far from tzidkus, I struggle with implementing the authentic Jewish mussar as I should. Yet at least I'm bumbling up the right path; I wasn't before.

Why Chinuch Advice Often Doesn't Work

Being human, all therapists run into their own limitations at some point. Their blind spots (which every human possesses) will eventually block you, their client.

Furthermore, when I was in the chinuch loop, I discovered that many chinuch advisors don’t really possess the spiritual foundation and expanded mind to truly help parents raise their children.

For example:

For complex reasons (some unfathomable in our 3-dimentional world), Hashem placed specific children with specific parents for everyone’s benefit, pre-determining struggles and conflicts (along with harmony and suitability) beforehand.
Because they are only human, chinuch advisors can make some accurate observations based on their experience, but they will always miss other things simply because they are human and cannot see everything that Hashem sees. (And sometimes, what they miss is exactly what the parent needs to know for that child.)
Hashem gifted each parent with the wisdom & insight to raise each child; therefore, a chinuch advisor’s job is to draw out that wisdom and insight, not to impose the chinuch advisor’s “solutions” onto the parents. However, this is much more complex and demands much more emotional and mental stamina than imposing shitahs.
Switching methods can lead to temporary relief, but using the child’s undesirable behavior as a springboard for a parent’s cheshbon hanefesh and consequent teshuvah is a million times more likely to lead to improvement in the child’s behavior ON ITS OWN. (Although nothing is guaranteed because we don't know Hashem's Plan for us.)
Children’s aberrant behavior is more likely a reflection of the parents’ middot on some level, and less likely a reflection of specific methods used.

As just one example of the last point:
A bullying child is most likely a reflection of a parent’s bullying tendency, even if this tendency is nearly unperceivable and not consciously or practically witnessed by either the child or the parent. (Meaning, maybe the parent is unconsciously and subtly bullying an adult sibling, but the bullying isn't expressed anywhere else or at anyone else—yes, the message can be that subtle.)

This COULD also mean that the child experiences bullying by a parent, but it doesn’t HAVE to mean that.

Having said all that, the majority of chinuch advisors definitely deserve an A+ for good intentions.

They stretch to the limits their patience and energy to help desperate & struggling (or arrogant & obstinate) parents and their children. But they can also accidentally harm as much as they help. (Or even harm more than they help, depending.)

Why?

Because chinuch methods aren't generally based on Torah hashkafah. Some methods can be adapted to Torah hashkafah, but the goals set in Mishlei and mussar sefarim aren't necessarily the goals of the chinuch class.

(The main goal for your child, BTW, is for them to fulfill their soul-potential and get them into the best Olam Haba possible, may everyone live in good health until 120.)

The majority of chinuch advisors unknowingly hold views based on 1 of the following:

Post-Sixties methods created (and continuously re-adjusted) by anti-Torah Liberals and Leftists with either secular Leftist or Far Eastern "spiritual" agendas
Pre-Sixties methods created by secular sick anti-Torah elitists and eugenicists
People with ulterior agendas posited as “good for the child!” but were originally a stab at temporarily improving the economy or lowering employment or whatever.

How Do You Define "Better"?

Regarding therapy, I couldn’t help seeing that therapy often made people feel better, but not act better. For example, one secular person I knew went to a top-rated secular psychologist when she felt suicidal. He managed to cure of her desire to kill herself, yet not her penchant for pritzadik behavior (including an affair with a married man), nasty acts of revenge, and so on. But yes, she did feel much better about herself.

(And that doesn't even begin to cover the people who felt worse after therapy.)

That’s just one example. There are a lot more.

Likewise, I’ve noticed so many people jump from therapist to therapist and from method to method. While therapists defend therapy by saying it can only help those who want to be helped and are willing to do the inner work—and this is true—because this is true, people are better off just doing it with Hashem.

Hashem truly loves us and knows everything about us. In fact, any bad middot you discover were planted there BY HASHEM in the first place, so rather than blaming yourself, you can just flip it back to Hashem and say, “YUCK. I don’t want this! Ugh, what an absolutely awful middah. Take it back—please, take it back!”

(Don’t worry. He loves it when you do this. That’s the whole point of your existence and why He put you here in the first place. World of Tikkun!)

Who are You Following?

So what is the point of this post?

The point is that we are inundated from all sides by advice to use secular (or secular-based with a frum twist) treatment for our emotional, psychological, mental, and relationship problems. And in the frum media, they promote this based on secular research (with the best of intentions; they genuinely want to help).

Yet that same secular research is itself coming out and saying:
“THIS ULTIMATELY DOES NOT WORK.”

So who are you going to listen to?

The “I’M the ultimate solution—right over here!” and “THIS ULTIMATELY DOES NOT WORK” are both coming from the same source (secular science and research).

So who are you going to listen to?

Or, rather Who are you going to listen to?

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By Dr. Zev Ballen:
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The Therapeutic Wasteland
The Origins of Emuna Coaching
Do You NLP? (please make sure to read Chaim's valuable comments at the end)
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Anti-Depressant Use Leads to Worse Long-Term Outcomes
Does Long-Term Use of Psychiatric Drugs Cause More Harm Than Good?
Psychiatrist Says: More Psychiatry Means More Shootings
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Myrtle Rising Chinuch Posts
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For Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender's advice on beneficial listening and how a true friend should behave, please search through Posts on Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender.
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What is the World of Tikkun?

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What is the World of Tikkun?

31/8/2018

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One of the major struggles I’ve had since becoming frum is resisting the cultural pull toward “eat, drink, be merry.” (Not so literally—I was never a party lush—but the cultural implication of the phrase.)

The eternal search for leisure time and activities, the perking up at distractions, the ever increasing opportunities for instant gratification in any area…

Funnily, I became frum partly BECAUSE I rejected a life void of meaning.

And I’m still frum because I really believe in this.

I know this is what Hashem wants.

But I can’t deny the double–whammy of both my cultural indoctrination and certain aspects of my personality.

Not everyone suffers from this issue because they have other issues. But this is definitely mine and it’s an issue for a lot of people.

Discover the Purpose of Each World

So I remember at Neve that Rebbetzin Heller once stated:

“This World is for milchama; the Next World is for menucha.”

(“This World is for war; the Next World is for rest.”)

Or as she emphasized it: “This world is for milchama; the Next World is for menucha.”

And Rebbetzin Heller has proven herself to be quite the spiritual soldier, what with her dedication to teaching, her hospitality, her large family, and more.

So this statement resonated with me because I sensed it was exactly the antidote I needed.

Everything I’d encountered in my upbringing pointed to finding menucha in this world. Even “Live for today!” and “Follow your dreams!” and “Work hard, play hard!” were about achieving some kind of nachas in this world, even if it was a stress-filled kavod-seeking nachas. I still remember a song whose chorus was: “Fight for your right…to paaaarty!”

So even the fights and riots seen in America in recent years are often just a way to feel strong and superior, to let off steam, and to steal beer, electronics, and toys.

Angry Americans today aren’t fighting against their yetzer hara, they’re fighting FOR their yetzer hara.

Nonetheless, the proper mindset is:
“This World is for milchama; the Next World is for menucha.”

And I’ve been wrestling with it ever since.

Introducing the World of Tikkun

Recently, I listened to a 2012 shiur. And Rebbetzin Heller discussed this idea again in her usual compelling and inspiring way.

She told the story of a female baalat teshuvah in her late thirties who got engaged to a thirtysomething chassidish businessman (whose Chassidic group marries off its young men and women by the age of 20).

After determining that he was indeed a decent guy who simply hadn’t met his zivug until now, they got engaged.

But when they discussed their favorite places in the world, he said he loved San Francisco because of its beautiful bridge.

“I’ve been to San Francisco,” she replied. “The only thing is there are so many gays, it made me feel uncomfortable.”

“Gay people?” he said. “I didn’t think the people there looked so much happier than anywhere else.”

Gulp!

Dread speared the heart of the kallah. She realized that despite his wide travels and business savvies, he’d guarded his innocence so well, he could have no idea of her own past. She dreaded him finding out because she knew she’d feel cheap and repulsive (her words, not mine) when he’d invariably make this discovery.

So Rebbetzin Heller bravely rang up the chassan’s Rebbe and very delicately explained the kallah’s concerns.

“I know exactly what you’re talking about,” the Rebbe said. “I spoke with him about this before he even went out with her. Of course she has a past. How could she not have a past?”

For the kallah's sake, Rebbetzin Heller wanted to know how the chassan felt about it.

“I’ll tell you what I told him,” the Rebbe continued. “This is Olam Hatikkun.” (The World of Fixing, Repair, Rectification.) “Nothing in This World is perfect. Not me. Not him. Not her. Not you. It’s the World of Tikkun. It’s the world where we all have to select where we want to be and who we want to be by rejecting who we don’t want to be and what we aren’t.”

And the chassan accepted it.

Then the Rebbe asserted that if the kallah ever wanted to contact him directly, she could feel free to do so.

So again, the Rebbe's definition of This World as the World of Tikkun:

Reject who you don't want to be.
Reject what you aren't.
Select who you want to be.
Select where you want to be.

Tikkun: It's the Real Thing

Again, just like with Rav Ofer Erez’s book Ahavat Kedumim, this truth removes toxic shame from the whole picture.

Healthy shame, yes.

Toxic shame, no.

Many people comment on how exasperated, frustrated, exhausted, and angry they feel about the constant struggle with a nisayon. (And I can feel this way as much as anyone else.) In a particularly challenging nisayon, a person can fail many more times than she succeeds. The struggle can feel so worthless and meaningless.

But it’s NOT.

That struggle is exactly what we’re here for: It’s Olam Hatikkun.

It’s a world of stitching, then ripping out stitches, then starting over again.

It’s sculpting, then mashing everything back into a mound of clay, then starting over again.

It’s painting, then getting nicks, scratches, and holes, then plastering, scraping, and repainting again.

If at all possible, rather than feeling defeated and down on yourself when struggling, you can also feel good and happy (at least a tiny bit) about that feeling of struggle, even as you feel fed up with it.

The 2 Ultimate Questions

Rebbetzin Heller ends the shiur with 2 questions every person must ask herself:

Who am I not?
Who am I?

She explains that according to Chovot Halevovot, the answer to “Who am I?” is: “I am a person of transcendence.”

And the Chovot Halevavot details 4 qualities regarding this (i.e. that define our portion in the World to Come).

"I am:

my emuna." (i.e., knowing that God is behind everything)
my willingness to give to the other and to affect the other."
my ability to suffer and meet challenges."
my ability to want to know Torah and to live it."

These are the goals.

Your unique path is to find your way to actualize these goals within you.

It’s All Greek To Me - Confronting the Challenges of Contemporary Culture | TorahAnytime.com (the shiur on which this post is based)
Our Purpose in This World
What is the Main Purpose of Your Existence?

2 Comments

Breaking Down Core Jewish Concepts

24/8/2018

0 Comments

UPDATE: Upon re-reading this post, I realized it wasn't so clear, so I added more to it late Friday morning (Israel-time), along with correcting some typos. So what follows is the new & improved version...

I'm not Breslov, but I get concerned about how people write off core Jewish concepts as being "Breslov" and therefore considered non-obligatory or not even worth examining.

While I've only read parts of Rebbe Nachman's Likutei Moharan, I've still read a lot of Breslov writings (including parts of Likutei Moharan) and as a non-Breslover, I came to the following conclusion:

Rebbe Nachman basically detailed and fleshed out much of what was already written in previous mussar books and other guidance by Chazal.

He emphasized certain concepts and further elucidated them.

And that seems to be the Breslov tradition: Taking core concepts and breaking them down into more and more digestible bits according to the needs of that particular generation.

Breaking It Down

When embarking on real self-scrutiny for the first time via talking to Hashem, you really can get these intense "Uh-oh" moments about yourself, and much of what Rebbe Nachman says about this phenomenon is very reassuring and encouraging.

Again, he simply takes core Jewish concepts of how self-scrutiny and self-improvement work, the ups and downs, the deceptive pitfalls, then he details them AND how to deal with it all.

All sorts of ideas and principles seem less and less self-understood in each successive generation, so with each successive generation of Breslov, you have a couple of rabbis who break these core ideas and their previous break-downs into even smaller more digestible bites.

For example, a book like Outpouring of the Soul by Reb Alter Teplicker further condenses and elucidates the same concepts mentioned in Torah and Chazal, which were then condensed and expounded upon by Rebbe Nachman. So Outpouring of the Soul is yet another link on that chain.

I remember the first time I read Outpouring of the Soul and a powerful impulse to talk to Hashem welled up within me, but I didn't know what to do with it. I opened my mouth, but I felt like a massive wave of spiritual and emotional pain was behind whatever I would say and I instinctively closed my mouth and got distracted with something else. I didn't mean to, it just happened like that.

Yet I would occasionally go back to the book, feel inspired to speak to Hashem in the way described, but couldn't do it for some reason.

Years later, I read Garden of Emuna, and that changed everything for me. Rav Shalom Arush took the same concepts and both simplified and expanded on them in regular non-scholarly language, practically spoon-feeding them to those who, like me, needed that spoon-feeding.

His book explains the core Jewish concepts with which many struggle in great detail: why bad things happen to good people, why do I feel like I'm being punished for being frum, why do I feel like I'm being punished for doing the right thing, how can I relate to Hashem as Compassionate and Loving when such awful things happen in the world, how can it be reassuring to know that Hashem is behind even the bad stuff -- that's sounds even scarier, so what's up with that?

And so on.

Digestible Emuna

Rav Arush also offered a get-down-to-basics easy-to-follow structure for hitbodedut:

20 minutes of gratitude
20 minutes of self-scrutiny & confession
20 minutes of requests

The truth is, he pares things down even more by telling people to make a list of 20 things for which they're grateful when they feel too emotionally blocked to do anything else.

There's even a book that plucks out the "gems" of Garden of Emuna for a super quick reference.

I'll give you an example of how this chain of increasing elucidation works by using Gate of Joy in Orchot Tzaddikim, (pg. 177 & 213 in the Feldheim translation):

The trait of joy encompasses a positive commandment of acknowledging God's Justice in all that befalls one, as is written (Devarim 8:5): "And you shall know in your heart that just as a man chastises his son, so Hashem your God chastises you."

If after one repents, things do not go so well for him as they did before, it is a positive commandment for him to think in his heart that his adversity is for the good.

For before he repented, the Holy One Blessed Be He was rewarding him for the mitzvot he had done in order to bar him from the World to Come, as it is written (Devarim 7:10): "And He pays those that hate Him to his face to destroy him."

And corresponding to this treatment of those who hate Him, he pays those who love Him the punishment of their transgressions in This World so that they will be pure and clean for the Next World.

And all of this entails the trait of joy, one's being happy in the portion allotted him by the Blessed One.

***
Similarly, when one undergoes any affliction [yissurim], he should also rejoice as our Sages have said...(Taanit 8a) "All who rejoice in afflictions bring salvation to the world."

And one should accustom his mouth to say, "This too is for the good - gam zo l'tovah" (Taanis 21a).

As you can see, the above is exactly what Rav Shalom Arush continuously discusses. In fact, Garden of Emuna goes on at length about the phenomenon mentioned in Orchot Tzaddikim:

If after one repents, things do not go so well for him as they did before, it is a positive commandment for him to think in his heart that his adversity is for the good.

And Rav Arush's emphasis on thanking Hashem for the good as well as the bad, and its power to sweeten dinim?

It's blatantly stated in Orchot Tzaddikim, which derives it from the Gemara (Taanit 8a):

"All who rejoice in afflictions bring salvation to the world."

"Kol hasameach b'yissurim meivi yeshuah l'olam."

"כל המשמח ביסורים מביא ישועה לעולם"

And before that, the Chumash itself.

But because of all the influences and confusion and superficiality and lack of daat in our generation, we need things broken down and explained down to the nitty-gritty.

And if we're willing to accept this spoon-feeding rather than just ignoring it all and dismissing everything as "only for very great people" or "that applied to previous generations, not ours," then that's very good!

For example, the first excerpt above of Orchot Tzaddikim is pretty much all there is on that specific issue. He says what he says there, then goes on to another aspect of joy. Yet reading the above, I'd have some obstructive questions before I could act upon his directives.

Sure, I could've taken that excerpt and discuss it with Hashem to reveal answers to my questions, but I didn't have the presence of mind to realize even this.

So I'm no different than anyone else and without Garden of Emuna, I would not have been able to go back and understand the classic mussar texts.

In his lectures, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender did the same prior to Rav Arush.

Rav Ofer Erez also breaks down core ideas to a more digestible size.

So for me, that's what Breslov does for the non-Breslover.

It's just a way of them holding your hand as you make your way through the thorny, pitted path of teshuvah, self-improvement, and coming closer to Ribbono Shel Olam.

An online Hebrew-English version of Orchot Tzaddikim is available HERE.

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