In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah, Parshas Yisro 4 – An Ear that Listens, he focuses on the incredible phenomenon of Yitro, a highly regarded non-Jewish idealist from the elite of the ancient world (and best of all, the father of Moshe Rabbeinu's wife), who joined Am Yisrael and even merited to offer Torah ideas of such importance, they merited a place in the Torah & the Gemara.

Not only that, Yitro merited the promise that his descendants would always be among the Torah leaders of Am Yisrael.

Until a certain point in Jewish history, Yitro's line was traceable. But Rav Miller assures as the even today, some of our Torah greats still descend from Yitro, even if we don't know which ones.

Shockingly, Yitro's beginnings were repellant.

Rashi tells us that Yitro gained fame as one of the most dedicated priests of idol worship.

For example, when an idolater came to sacrifice a mediocre animal to an idol, Yitro's dedication led Yitro to delay the sacrifice until Yitro managed to groom & fatten up the animal (at Yitro's own expense) into a sleek, plump delicacy fit for the glory Yitro desired for the occult worship.

As Rav Miller states, Yitro soared from minus-zero to the heights of spiritual greatness.

​So we see here we have something massive to learn from Yitro.

How did he pull off this impossible feat?

First of all, Yitro allowed himself to be affected by the news.

Prior to the Internet (via which issues & events can be drawn out & analyzed ad nauseum), the media hyped a certain event for a day (or more, if it served their needs) & that was it.

(They still do this, but certain types of people no longer allow certain events to go lost so easily.)

Rav Miller offers examples, like a 276-passenger jet that crashed in the ocean or the mass murder-suicide of the cult in Guyana.

It's true that the cult murder-suicide still enters into discussion on some websites today—not as an official part of the media, but by people who chose to study the event in order to glean lessons from it (sort of like Yitro, but with a lot less clarity & self-honesty).

Most of the time when an amazing thing happens, it gets blared about throughout the media, then it dies down, swept into the annals of history.

​Even when regurgitated for analysis, the analysts usually leave Hashem out of the picture (which thus ensures they never glean the real lesson of the event) and focus on the wrong aspects due to confirmation bias.

For example, if a murderer enjoys the diagnosis of mental illness, everyone pretends that mental illness makes a person 100% incapable of moral choice (despite the fact that on forums & comment threads, you can find people who suffer from hearing voices that tell them to hurt themselves or others, but the hallucinator refuses to listen, claiming that obeying the voices violates their personal value system.)

As many frum Jews noted after the Chanukah machete attack in Monsey, the proclaimed mentally ill attacker was apparently in control of himself enough to obtain a lethal weapon, to target Jews, and to know where to find Jews...yet he wasn't able to understanding that hacking into a sweet old man was evil?

Anyway...

That's the first lesson of Yitro: The Exodus of Am Yisrael wasn't outta-sight-outta-mind.

No. It stuck in his mind.​

As the Torah says: Yitro HEARD...and he came.

He heard about it, thought about it, then acted on it.

Listening properly is a major fundamental in Judaism.

We're even supposed to listen to criticism.

Yes, even painful criticism.

And because this concept understandably imposes so much distress on people, I'm going to digress for a moment to offer my own unauthorized opinion based on some learning & experience:

You don't necessarily need to listen to the criticism the exact way the critic means it.

Sometimes you should. For example, maybe you really are causing harm & you need to stop.

On the other hand, destructive critics mean to destroy you (whether intentionally or not) to enable themselves the dubious pleasure of fake superiority.

But we are supposed to take a step back and, in a more composed moment, ponder what message Hashem meant in the agonizing interaction.

(And it's meant to be a loving message, even if it doesn't feel like it.)

Having said that, if a person loves to criticize & denigrate others, then that person loves to engage in the Torah prohibition of onaat devarim—verbal torment.

Such a person also transgresses the mitzvah to judge others favorable & loving one's fellow (one of the 10 Commandments), and so on.

Contrary to what you hear in many Torah classes on ahavat Yisrael, the classic mussar books (Orchot Tzaddikim—The Gate of Love, Pele Yoetz, etc.) actually exhort you to AVOID associating with people on a lower level.

Otherwise, you get influenced by them.

Even kiruv calls for caution, states Rav Itamar Schwartz. Not everyone can associate with off-the-derech or assimilated Jews without being affected negatively. Some can. But not everyone.

So should you hang out with people who relish committing these person-to-person Torah transgressions?

To answer that, ask yourself whether you should you hang out with atheists?

​Or people who wolf down pepperoni pizza while watching Friday night TV? 

Should you hang out with gossips, slanderers, and tale-bearers?

Drug dealers? Gamblers? 

No. 

If someone regularly violates the Torah (whether knowingly or not), you aren't supposed to be all buddy-buddy with them.

You generally don't need to hate them, but you certainly shouldn't spend time with them any more than absolutely necessary. (Sometimes, the situation necessitates interacting with emotionally unhealthy people because you share children together, or certain relatives, or a co-worker or boss).

Chronic critics violate the Torah.

Instead, you should associate with people on a higher level, people who teach you by example good behavior and influence you positively.

Yes, you should treat every human being considerately. You should do chessed when necessary and you're able.

But you don't need to maintain "friendships" with those who relish gutting you (figuratively speaking) or engage in what my grandpa used to call "chiseling" (a great description for passive-aggressive sniping)—even when they claim to be "helping" you.

But to privately dig out the message within?

​Yes, definitely.

After all, everything comes from Hashem & happens for a reason.

On pages 9-14, Rav Miller discusses mussar in a compelling & highly readable manner.

On page 10, he emphasizes:

As usual, Rav Miller's top recommendation is Mesillat Yesharim/Pathway of the Just by Rav Moshe Chaim Luzatto.

But he also recommends:

• Hilchot Yesodei HaTorah in the Rambam's Mishneh Torah (HERE)
• Hilchot Teshuvah in the Rambam's Mishneh Torah (HERE)
• Hilchot Dei'ot in the Rambam's Mishneh Torah (HERE)
• Chovot HaLevavot (Duties of the Heart) by Rav Bachya ibn Paquda (HERE)
• Shaarei Teshuvah (Gates of Repentance) by Rabbeinu Yonah

All the above come in English translations too.

It's also worth noting the story on pages 12-13 of Rav Yisroel Salanter as a boy: None of the great talmidei chachamim of the town recognized the greatness of Rav Yosef Zundel, the tzaddik from whom Rav Yisroel Salanter learned.

Only Rav Yisroel Salanter recognized the tzaddik for who he really was.

Why?

Because Rav Yisroel Salanter listened. He noticed. He pondered. And he acted.

Just like Yitro.

Reading Going Home...To Yerushalayim's re-post of Rabbi Winston's dvar Torah reminded me of a couple I once knew.

The initially secular husband found himself attracted to the kiruv he encountered. He then delved into frumkeit via a very knowledgeable & caring rav.

The secular Jewish woman he wished to marry at the beginning of his kiruv refused to follow him on this journey, so they broke up and he married someone else who loved him deeply & was fully willing to follow him on his journey into frumkeit—but with whom he never felt fully satisfied.

The woman he ended up marrying was a pretty girl with good middot & a nurturing personality. She came from a wealthy home with a tennis court & a swimming pool, and she only ever wanted to become a little bit more frum than she'd been raised, but she willingly followed him into ultra-Orthodoxy & a kollel life, which meant living in deprivation.

​But though she embraced it all with a good attitude, he never managed to really appreciate her.

Over time, he forced his growing family into a very insulated frum community, including speaking Yiddish at home (which his wife never managed to learn well) and sending them to chassidic Yiddish schools (carefully avoiding telling the school that they weren't FFB—which is never a good sign; if you have to fool the school, you probably don't belong there).  

Observing the appalling way he often spoke to & treated her felt very discomfiting. He seemed to resent her for no reason.

But except for the occasional times she reached her limit in patience, she usually accepted his poor behavior with equanimity & even an understanding smile—as was her nature.

Then the rav passed away & things started to really deteriorate.

The problem was that the husband's connection with the rav acted as the glue that held the husband to frumkeit.

Sure, all the learning also felt good; wonderful ideas exist in our holy books. But the main attraction for him was the rav.

In addition to growing up in a cold society, the husband always lacked a father figure in life too, and this wonderful rav provided warmth, love, and direction.

When the rav passed away, that source of warmth, love, and direction disappeared too.

The husband's treatment of his wife & children worsened and his grip of Yiddishkeit also deteriorated.

Via social media, he found the woman he originally wanted to marry (who was still secular and now married to an equally secular Jew) and he ended up spending tons of money (further depriving his own family) to re-establish a connection with her until her husband put a stop to it by threatening to divorce her & deny her all custody of their children.

Gradually, all the formerly frum husband's children went off the derech while his wife took sedatives to deal with the situation.

Chazal speaks about this, that a man's debauchery will deprive his wife & children of their rightful parnassa, and his unsavory behavior influences them to behave badly too, whether they're consciously aware of his transgressions or not.

The couple divorced and he left the children in her custody with barely any financial resources, not paying child support & allowing only the most occasional visitation with his own children (and not even all of them).

The wife (ex-wife by now) mostly drifted out of frumkeit, except she maintained her Shabbat observance. She struggled for several years to get on her feet financially. (Actually, I don't know if she ever did, or if she continued to live off of sympathetic family & government programs).

He took his cushiony new livelihood and went on to marry a financially independent woman and start a new family.

​And up to here is all I know.

​Some major lessons can be elicited from this dismaying saga, but one is connected to Rabbi Winston's description of the Erev Rav—well, it's actually Chazal's description of the Erev Rav, and Rabbi Winston focuses on this aspect:

They belonged to Moshe Rabbeinu. The Erev Rav are called his—Moshe Rabbeinu's.

In speaking to Moshe Rabbeinu, Hashem calls them "YOUR people that YOU brought up from the land of Egypt (Shemot 32:7)."

He fought for them (Hashem hadn't wanted them). They followed a leader whom they expected to take care of them.

They never fully connected to Hashem & Torah.

Likewise, in the above example, the man looked like a sincere baal teshuvah on the outside, but his real connection to frumkeit was via this special rav—and only for ego reasons.

Any kiruv, any rav or rebbetzin, any shiur is only ever a MEANS to connect to Hashem & Torah.

It's a way to learn.

Most people use them that way. It's obvious.

But some people don't.

And that's a defect in them.

Secondly, there's also the idea of Derech eretz kadmah l'Torah—that common decency precedes Torah.

Meaning that if you're a total jerk, you're not going to be able to follow Torah properly.

You have to WANT for Torah to influence you positively.

​But if you're a jerk, then every time you encounter a situation in which the upper road feels hard & awkward, you simply take the lower road.

That's why the man in the above situation treated his wife & children so badly. Most of the times he needed to hold his tongue, speak nicely, or be considerate, he simply refused and behaved however he felt.

(BTW, people who do this generally feel like they're the victim, which allows them—in their own mind—to abuse others. They honestly think they don't NEED to be nice because they perceive the other person as the one victimizing them!)

His self-indulgence of bad middot led to snarly bouts of depression (being a jerk is pretty depressing) and eventually slid into the terrible sins of disloyalty to his own wife & aishet ish with somebody else's wife, until the final descent into complete secularity.

Because of his lack of derech eretz & his desire to fulfill his emotional needs (rather than his soul needs), he never managed to embrace the essence of Judaism.

So despite his extremely frum-looking external appearance (wearing chassidish clothes) and his external behavior (living a kollel lifestyle & speaking Yiddish), he was always a fake (even though during his phase with the lovely rav, he FELT sincere). 

It's heartbreaking that his wife & children got both duped & dumped in the process.

But that's what happens when derech eretz doesn't precede Torah and also when a person pursues Judaism for ego fulfillment without ever transitioning to soul fulfillment.

Just like the Erev Rav.

We also see from the above why the Erev Rav pack such a devastating punch against the mitzvah-observance of Am Yisrael. They suck all the meaning right out of everything, leaving you with a cloudy, painfully false experience of Torah.

Despite the grueling challenge they present, it's up to us to look behind the smoke-and-mirrors of the Erev Rav. They believe in what they're doing, which makes it harder for us to see behind their façade.

Reading the last part (the section entitled "Melave Malka") of the above-mentioned post sheds the necessary light on why they are so hard to perceive.

But that's a big part of our avodah: seeing the Truth.

(Note: It's routine for baalei teshuvah & converts to enter Torah observance with a combination of motives. That's normal & to be expected. But at some point, inner work needs to occur & at least the beginning of a transition needs to be made into internalizing the Torah's essence & values. For converts, the conversion process really needs to do this, the responsibility of which lies on the rabbi involved. But either way, the transition needs to happen at some point for all Jews.)

​Related posts:

• ​The Erev Rav Strategy: Follow the Biggest "Bully"
• What's the Message of the Erev Rav for Us on 17 Tammuz?

It seems like people are increasingly experiencing the reality that things aren't always work out as expected or promised.

For example, expressing gratitude for all sorts of troubles & suffering can certainly alleviate or even completely erase those troubles & suffering.

Some people even experience a complete revolution of circumstances in a riches-to-rags-to-even-greater-riches dynamic.

Gratitude sweetens din (spiritual consequences). This is written in the Gemara Ta'anit 8a: "All who rejoice in afflictions bring salvation to the world." 

However...

It doesn't ALWAYS work that way.

Likewise, copious prayer can overturn even the worst decree.

But it doesn't ALWAYS do that.

Yet we still see how gratitude & prayer DO work so much of the time.

​In fact, we can forget to both notice & acknowledge what Hashem does for us.

Nonetheless, I bet many of us have offered copious prayer & gratitude for extremely painful situations that simply do not change, or improve only marginally, improve only marginally over a looooong stretch of time...or, paradoxically, even get worse.

And the devastatingly perplexing quandary:

Did you ever ask for something spiritual, like the inner emotional fortitude (koach) to deal with a situation, or to face a nisayon with joy?

Did you ask for lovely spiritual things like menuchat hanefesh (inner serenity) or yishuv hadaat (a settled mind)—or even just plain daat?

Torah Sages throughout the ages reassure us that if we ask for the spiritual keilim (tools) to deal with difficulties, we DEFINITELY receive that.

And yet...

Have you ever done exactly that and NOT received it?

(I have. And I personally know others who endured this too.)

Or not only didn't receive it, but even experienced a total breakdown (at least temporarily) and a major backslide?

​It happens. 

Even more frustratingly, when confiding our lack of improvement to others, we often receive rebuke or condemnation in response (and gentle or cheerful rebuke or condemnation is still rebuke & condemnation).

In other words, we are blamed for our circumstances despite our emotionally exhausting spiritual & practical efforts.

How do we deal with all that? And what the heck is REALLY going on behind it?

Rebbe Elimelech of Lizhensk offered a brilliant parable to describe our times, the times preceding the Geula HERE, a time of suffering & challenges known in Hebrew as chevlei Mashiach.​

Chevelim are cords or ropes. What are these cords or ropes of Mashiach?

Rebbe Elimelech explains we will feel like we are grasping onto a rope that jerks & yanks so hard, we feel like we might fly off any second—unless we hold on VERY tightly.

Also, a shaking & jerking rope is very difficult to keep hold of. Gravity & your own body weight work hard against you.

(Yes. The natural world & your own self davka work AGAINST your own benefit & lofty goal. Think about that for a minute.)

Yet Who grasps the other end of this rope? Who is shaking it so hard?

Hashem.​

What is a real test of emunah?

Meaning, a very bitter & crushing test of emunah?

​What shakes that emunah rope so hard, you can barely hang on?

Is it when Hashem doesn't answer whatever you quickly mumble at the end of Shemoneh Esrei?

Is it when you give the obligatory 10% of tzedakah, yet remain middle or lower middle class & can't afford luxuries?

Is it when you daven for a great spouse and "only" receive a good spouse (but still need to work on your marriage more than you expected)?

These are challenges, but not devastating ones.

Devastating challenges are when... 
​

• ...a woman cries in prayer at Shabbos candle-lighting...and the answer is still no. And the answer continues to be "no" for YEARS.

 

• ...a person in an unbearably painful situation alternately begs & thanks Hashem for weeks, months, or years, and still sees no light at the end of the tunnel. (Or sees a light, which then disappears.)

 

• ...a person receives advice from a rav (including a real Gadol, not just a local rabbi or even a particular leader—not all perceived leaders are actual Gadolim), and the advice either does not work or the opposite result occurs. (And yes, the person DID follow EXACTLY what the Gadol said, even double-checking with the Gadol himself to make sure the advice was properly understood.)

 

• ...a person begs Hashem for the emotional fortitude to withstand a nisayon, or for spiritual attributes (like emunah, daat, joy, etc.) and does NOT receive them (even though very holy books like Rav Dessler's Strive for Truth promise exactly that).

 

• ...a person carefully & joyfully keeps a particular mitzvah (like a mitzvah promoted with all sorts of "guarantees"), and not only do those spiritual "guarantees" not pan out, but the opposite even happens. (For example, I know women who kept taharat hamishpacha with heartfelt devotion, and their marriages were disasters and their kids mostly went off the derech too. And yes, they also exerted practical efforts to work on their shalom bayit. Didn't help.)

Experiencing the above can discombobulate a person's mind, making him or her doubt the truth of Torah, chas v'shalom.

The above can yank the emunah rope out of your grasp before you even realize what happened.

Also, I couldn't help noticing that unhelpful responses are part of any nisayon.

People WILL say the wrong thing. Not everyone, but some people will.

Sometimes, it's out of lack of sensitivity or empathy.

Sometimes, sensitive or caring people say the wrong thing because they simply don't know how to respond, got overwhelmed, it touched on a vulnerable spot with which they haven't yet dealt within themselves, etc.

But hearing exactly the wrong thing or feeling like nobody understands you...both seem to be part of the whole emunah-shaker.

That's why no matter how many articles are written about what to say & how to empathize, no matter how many distressing stories people hear of insensitive responses to sensitive situations...insensitivity still occurs.

It's part of the whole nisayon.

(Obviously, we should all learn how to respond to others with the sensitivity each individual needs. However, full sensitivity cannot be achieved because that's part of the nisayon itself. Best pray that at least Hashem doesn't designate you as the straw that breaks the camel's back, if you know what I mean. But you can't prevent it in others.) 

Just as a personal example:

For years, I davened for a family member to do teshuvah. But ultimately, he was found dead one Shabbat night, slumped over his work desk near his computer, still married to his non-Jewish wife.

So much for that.

Now, maybe I could've done more davening for that person, or given more tzedakah on his behalf, etc. And maybe the person did complete teshuvah in his last moments.

But the point is that I regularly davened for this person...and death with no apparent teshuvah was the result.

And doesn't Hashem WANT all Jews to be frum? Isn't this a wonderfully spiritual request?

Yet how many people suffer the pain of parents, a spouse, siblings, or children who are not frum, and they daven for their salvation, and the answer continues to be NO?

Like, YEARS of NO—and sometimes, the person for whom you're davening behaves even worse?

Another example:
​I found myself trapped in a very excruciating ongoing nisayon.

​With some intense cheshbon hanefesh & some past-life work (on my own without regression hypnosis, etc.), I came to see pretty clearly why I was suffering that way, why this was exactly the tikkun I needed for my soul, and so on.

Baruch Hashem, it was all very clear.

And I did feel happy for a while, but pretty quickly, the sheer emotional pain of the nisayon overwhelmed me.

I spoke with Hashem about this and explained how genuinely grateful I was for the nisayon, and even stated with complete sincerity that I did NOT want the nisayon changed (because its benefit & justice were so clear)...but could I please at least feel some simcha?

Could I please at least face the nisayon with simcha? 

I begged for this.

Guess what?

The answer was NO.

Intellectually, I was fine. Emotionally, I felt completely miserable.

Feeling miserable is the death knell for me because I'm not good at being miserable.

Some people are. Meaning, they can keep plodding forward in a miserable, unhappy situation as long as they know their path is meaningful.

But I need enjoyment too or I just disintegrate.

(Side note: Because of this, I used to think something was very wrong with me until I read Rav Itamar Schwartz's analysis of the psyche's 4 Elements. Sure enough, people with a strong Water component need enjoyment in a task. Fire needs to feel like it's making progress. Earth needs to feel secure. So Fire or Earth types may not enjoy themselves, but as long as they feel like they're making progress or feel secure in doing the right thing, they can keep on going. But Water types drown without pleasure.) 

So that was very depressing.

How on earth is it possible get out of that particular tunnel?

So the truth is, Hashem came through for me in the end.

He had me wake me up one miserable morning with the idea of saying Tehillim 13.

So I did. (Reluctantly & hopelessly at first, but I did it.)

And it described my situation perfectly.

(Tehillim 13 is perfect for misery & despair. It's also very short, which is perfect for people at the end of their rope who can't handle a whole long soliloquy.)

As David Hamelech wrote: "Until when, Hashem, will You forget me forever?"

Yep! That's exactly how it feels. 

Ignored. Rejected. Forgotten.

It's not like Hashem is even angry with you when, as we know, Hashem's Chastisement is a form of caring, a form of belief in your potential to be wonderful.

But this feels worse because it feels like He doesn't even care.

​Like, "Who...you? Meh."

This really feels like you're not even worth a prod in the right direction.

The Tehillim goes on to ask Hashem how long He'll hide His face. 

And: "Until when must I devise aitzot in my soul every day?"

Yes! Isn't that how we feel in such situations?

Depending on our situation, don't we feel fed up with trying this method & that method, this practical solution & that spiritual remedy?

Work on middot, search our deeds, confess, apologize, change the script, change behavior, take medication or herbs or vitamins, use aromatherapy or acupuncture, consult with yet another "expert," write out 20 thank-Yous to Hashem, say Tehillim, and so on and so on...so many different aitzot (recommendations, plans, advice)!

And nothing seems to work. (Or else it works, but not for long.)

As David Hamelech implies, it's totally depleting.

The seemingly victorious enemies & tormentors mentioned in the Psalm can either be your own yetzer hara or external enemies, whether they be personal enemies, disease, natural disasters, etc.

Yet the Psalm ends with the affirmation of Hashem's Loving-Kindness & the certainty that Hashem will save the tormented soul in the end & the absolute trust that despite how everything seems, Hashem is indeed dealing kindly with the sufferer.

To my surprise, as I boo-hooed my way through this Tehillim, I felt comforted.

After saying it a couple more times, I really felt much better & stronger—again, very much to my surprise. 

In other words, it enabled me to hang on to the jerking, shaking rope.

And I had a surprisingly good day...until I crashed the next time 😉.

By definition, an ongoing excruciating nisayon contains ups & downs—including those deceptive "ups" that make you think, "Oh, it's finally over!" or "Oh, things are finally taking a turn for the better!"

You discover that the light you thought you saw hinting at the end of the tunnel is actually just the reflection of your own light on the dark, damp walls.

And in a way of thinking, YOU are the light at the end of your own tunnel.

​Yes.

​You just haven't gotten to the end yet.

​But you will.

Follow-up post:
Recognizing the Spastic Rope of Emunah

Related posts:

• What is the Only Way to Hold on Tight When the Rope Starts Shaking?
• ​The Cleansing Compassion of Accepting Troubles with Love​
• ​The One Thing to Say in Times of Great Stress
• ​How a Deeply Flawed Person from a Deeply Flawed Background Can Be The Greatest of All​
• Seeing Ourselves through Hashem's Eyes by Using a Measuring Scale of 0-10

For this post, it's best to have familiarity with these past 3 posts:

• Smile—You're on Heaven's Candid Camera: Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Vayeishev (taken from HERE)
• How the Baby Steps in This World Create Your Future World of Beautiful Pulsating Light (Rav Eliyahu Dessler)
• The #1 Thing to Keep Doing When You Find Yourself Sinking in Mud (Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender)

Let's start with Rav Avigdor Miller's allegory of the historic movie of humanity & applying it to other guidance he gave, such as thinking about Hashem while walking from one utility pole to the next as you hurry down the street or while you hang on to a subway strap.

We know this matters because Rav Dessler wrote in Strive for Truth that any teshuvah you initiate in this world provides you with eternal progression in the World to Come.

Any teshuvah you do here starts off a marvelous chain reaction that continues with you for eternity.

And this is a big reason why people like Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender, Rav Itamar Schwartz, and Rav Avigdor Miller encourage people with baby-steps.

Lo alecha hamalacha ligmor—You are not obligated to finish the work.

But you must still work it!

Even 10 seconds of it—the time it takes to walk from one utility pole to the next.

So based on these ideas, this means that when all of humanity watches the movie of the history of humanity, we're going to see thousands of years of billions of people going about their lives like zombies and thinking vanities.

Empty-headed thoughts.

Frivolous thoughts.

​Unwholesome thoughts.

Thoughts of avodah zarah, like other religions or meditations.

Evil thoughts, scheming plans to destroy other people.

It's like those awful horror movies in which everyone is walking around crazed or zombified.

And then the scene switches...to you.

There you are, walking down any old street, and as you pass one utility pole, you say to yourself, "Now I want to maintain an awareness of Hashem."

And you think about Hashem for the time it takes you to walk to the next utility pole.

And tears stream down the faces of everyone in the audience.

"That was such a beautiful scene!" they sob.

Likewise, when you say, "Now I am upholding the mitzvah of loving Hashem—I love You, Hashem."

Everyone's in floods as they watch your heart-stirring scene.

A hero against a billion mindless yet destructive zombies!

We don't feel it now.

​But we will.

Then there's another scene: It's you again!

But this time, you're holding your tongue.

Maybe you wanted to reveal a particularly juicy bit of lashon hara. Maybe you wanted to indulge in some particularly gratifying ona'at devarim.

​Maybe you were just insulted and you want desperately to snarl back, but you remember how, in Hashem's Eyes, it's better to be from the insulted rather than the insulters, and you want the blessing the comes from being silent.

Maybe you wanted to criticize or explode.

Doesn't matter. They're all excellent reasons to hold your tongue.

So there you are, with your lips pressed together. Maybe your mouth is twitching and you have a pained or angry look on your face, but your lips remain pressed together.

And maybe you feel good about your restraint...or maybe you don't.

If you haven't grown up with this ideal or if you aren't at all used to such self-restraint, you might feel awkward, stupid, frustrated, insecure, or resentful.

But now the audience is going wild with cheering.

Why?

Because again, they see you against the backdrop of billions of people over thousands of years—people who said whatever they wanted regardless of the consequences for anyone else. And also the billions of people who tweeted nastiness, who abused the comment sections of Facebook & websites, and who left soul-destroying messages on WhatsApp & Instagram. (3.6 billion people are on social media right now.)

Yet here you are, with your mouth closed against all odds!

It's like when that little one-man battleship needed to fly deep into the massive planet-destroying Death Star to destroy it.

He succeeds; it blows up in a planet-sized explosion.

But no one knows if that pilot managed to get out in time...

They think he's dead.

And then...he appears! 

He made it!

He destroyed the Death Star, saved the Universe—and made it out alive!

What a wild finale!

So that's how everyone feels when they're going to see you with your painfully closed mouth.

Likewise, as you flail in the mud at today's 50th level of tumah, hopping from one foot to the other, struggling to free yourself from the mud, but you manage to do no more than get one foot out when the other foot gets sucked back in again.

You feel frustrated, despairing, exhausted, and gunky.

To make things worse, others deride your efforts.

Most of the world does not understand why you don't simply lie down in the mud and relax by streaming in some trashy brainwashing Hollywood films while snacking on non-kosher hot dogs & making nasty or inane remarks on social media.

​Yet you're relying on Rav Bender's exhortation in Words of Faith:

And now, at the time of this future screening, everyone knows of this all-important goal.

And your final scene ends...with one foot out of the mud.

The audience goes wild—YOU DID IT!

YES!

It's a million times more thrilling & meaningful than the special effects of the pilot making it out of the Death Star alive.

And that's the truth.

Only we don't feel it now.

​But we will.

In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah for Parshas Vayeishev 4 – Writing the Eternal Story, Rav Miller offers a compelling description on pages 3-5 of the results of if Reuven had known that the episode of the brothers & Yosef at the pit would have made it into the Torah.

​On pages 6-8, Rav Miller notes an idea he said before, and that's that everything we do is being recorded and will appear later.

​There's an idea of a Torah that will be written by Eliyahu Hanavi, and our deeds will have a place there. And no, it doesn't contradict the idea of not adding or subtracting to the Chumash now. 

It's a deliciously complex idea, so it's best to read it in the rav's own words (again, pages 6-8).

​On pages 8-9, Rav Miller details a scientific project I never heard of: to collect all the dissipated sound that has ever existed and bring it back together.

"...we would be able to hear today what was said thousands of years ago," he says.

A very intriguing idea, indeed.

He mentions the heart-aching fact that tremendous Torah existed in the not-so-distant past, but no way to record it.

The rav emphasized that the rabbanim of the pre-WWII Slabodka yeshivah gave such well-formed shiurim, an entire lecture flowed forth like gold from their lips—but no one ever recorded them.

Such a loss!

But here, Rav Miller reassures us we'll be able to hear them again—and much more than that!

For example:

• How many of us yearn to hear the sound of Sara Imeinu's voice and know exactly what she said to the women she converted, and how she said it?

 

• Don't we wish so much to hear a shiur by Rebbi Akiva or a nevuah from any of the Nevi'im?

 

• And wouldn't we love to hear how David Hamelech sang his own Tehillim?

 

• Or the heart-soaring music of the Levi'im in the Beit Hamikdash?

So much beautiful sound missing!

​Yet we certainly will hear it again.

From page 9, Rav Miller elaborates on one of the more cringe-inducing ideas in Judaism: Our deeds will be revealed at some point.

ALL our deeds.

​Like this (page 11, emphasis mine):

On pages 11-13, Rav Miller discusses the incident of David Hamelech with Batsheva, and with his usual forthrightness & wit, he expresses the feelings many of us have about it.

​From page 13 onward, Rav Miller fleshes out what exactly the idea of being recorded means for us and offers practical examples of how to use this idea for self-improvement.

One very big plus about this is it takes a person's natural desire for kavod and shows him or her how to use it in a holy way.

Especially with all the rampant narcissism in our times, a narcissist could take this idea alone & make a lot of soul-progress.

Don't forget to check out the Practical Tip on page 18.

There is also a compelling remembrance of a very special Jew named Tuvia Baruch Chester by his daughter on page 19.

And...you can find Rav Miller's personal thoughts on Chanukah gifts on the last page. It's geared toward Jews who live among all the December activity of the Western world, but still worth reading no matter where you live.

In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah, Parshas Vayishlach 4 – Time and Money, he addresses an issue that makes many people go: "Huh?"

Why on earth did Yaakov Avinu go back for the cheap pottery?

Yes, we know the classic explanation, that tzaddikim value their possessions because of their holy sense of gratitude & appreciation.

But WHY?

​How does that work?

The first thing to understand is Yaakov Avinu did not view his possessions as his.

He viewed them as belonging to Hashem.

And just like most of us tend to be more careful with the money or possessions of others (like how you keep a borrowed book on a high shelf and refuse to eat over it, yet your own books can be found on the kitchen table when you're not eating over the book), Yaakov cared for his possessions because he saw them as Hashem's possessions.

​Likewise, Rav Miller makes an excellent point about how we can improve our behavior by viewing our money as belonging to Hashem.

For example, even though you can produce a beautiful wedding for $20,000 (BTW, my Israeli wedding over 20 years ago was $2000, but I wish we'd added another $1000 for a larger hall; it would've been worth it), some people like to splurge on a $50,000 wedding.

But if you look at money as belonging to Hashem, you tend to behave more responsibly.

Happy Story #1
I once knew a wealthy frum family who could easily afford eye-popping luxury weddings, but intentionally made mainstream weddings because they wanted people who couldn't afford extravagance to feel comfortable with making a normal wedding.

In this way, they contributed restraint against the rising wave of upstaging events.

Only a spiritual person, a person who really feels for their fellows, could think that way.

Sad Story
​Another time, I met a young woman embittered by her father's attitude toward spending when it came time for her to marry.

He splurged on a fancy wedding to impress his friends, leaving very little to start his daughter on her married life.

"I didn't even WANT such a fancy wedding!" she fumed. "I, the kallah, did NOT feel I needed all that extravagance to make me happy! He only did it for himself!"

So she found herself with a rapidly growing family & living in an apartment with a claustrophobic living room, 2 tiny bedrooms, and a small porch—plus cheap furniture & appliances.

She lived every day with the frustration of not having the space or quality she needed, her resentment renewed daily because every inconvenience & discomfort reminded her of how she could have a more manageable domestic life, but her father did not care enough about her to give her that (even though he could have afforded it had he made her a normal wedding rather than an impressive one). 

Happy Story #2
Rebbetzin Heller (I think from Chanoch Teller?) tells of a woman who worked for a chessed organization and needed to get an ill man on a flight.

This woman wore an expensive necklace made of real pearls—obviously she valued it, else she wouldn't have spent so much money on it & worn it.

The flight agent at the desk refused to allow the ill man on this important flight until the chessed-woman removed the necklace and deftly slid it over to the agent.

Without missing a beat, the agent approved the man for the flight: Mission accomplished.

This woman clearly lived for Hashem. Ultimately, she knew how to use her possessions in Hashem's service. 

On page 8, Rav Miller offers the story of his friend who personally met the Chafetz Chaim. The anecdote displays both the humility & the wisdom of the Chafetz Chaim.

On pages 9-10, Rav Miller discusses the balance between spending to please your wife, to do chessed with her, & going overboard.

How you spend your money connects to how you spend your time.

If a possession costs you 4 weeks of work, is it worth it?

A roomy high-quality washing machine for a family with several children is worth it.

But a light fixture? A wall painting? An area rug? A decorative statue?

​Better reconsider.

To foster a sense of the importance of time, let's look at what Rav Miller says on pages 12-13:  

Judaism emphasizes the fantastic impact of baby steps.

In the modern society of grand gestures, masses of likes & followers, stories of amazing accomplishments, it's hard to give baby steps the appreciation they deserve.

But baby steps are the key to success!

Baby steps are 1 of THE MOST IMPORTANT actions you could ever carry out!

Here's Rav Miller on how the Kelm yeshivah proactively trained themselves to value baby steps (page 14):

A minute matters.

​On pages 14-15, Rav Miller doles out delicious advice on how to advance in learning (or any other kind of spiritual progress)...1 minute at a time.

How often do we hear Rav Miller emphasize the great benefit of a minute?

• A minute of talking to Hashem each day.

 

• A minute of thinking about Hashem while walking from one utility pole to the other.

 

• A minute of thinking about Yetziat Mitzrayim (the Exodus from Egypt) while standing on a crowded bus & grasping a strap or pole.

Minutes build up over time.

You can experience astounding self-improvement over time, just through baby steps and itsy-bitsy bites.

​To help you actualize this all-important idea, please check out the Practical Tip on page 17.

May we all merit to succeed in making our minutes count.

I'm still at the beginning of exploring the 4 Elements personality system, focusing on Rav Itamar Schwartz's approach (even though many others also discuss it, especially going way back in Chazal).

Also, most people generally label the 4 elements as:

• Fire
• Air
• Water 
• Earth

But Rav Schwartz uses the term "wind" (ruach) in place of "air." Ruach also means "spirit."

This makes good sense because "wind" captures the constant movement that element represents in a personality.

Two definitions of each element exist in traditional Jewish sources:

​Rav Chaim Vital describes the elements as causing the following behaviors:

• Fire—conceit & anger
• Wind—excessive chatter
• Water—the pursuit of pleasure
• Earth—sadness

​Some of the definitions sound negative, but Rav Schwartz notes that there is also atzlanut d'kedushah (a holy side of laziness). Additionally, destructiveness can be used positively, like to destroy evil, including the evil middot within a person.

According to Rav Schwartz, our goals are:

• to use these elements for the good
• to balance the elements within ourselves

Using each of these elements for good purposes is clear enough, and a well-known concept within Judaism (using all middot for the good).

But if we achieve an equal balance of all 4 elements, will that make us clones?

No.

For example, different personalities overwhelmed by their fire element aren't clones.

Sure, there exist the battle-thirsty warriors who relish the physical destruction of their enemies (or whoever they THINK are their enemies).

History focuses on these fiery warriors who burned, plundered, and slaughtered their way through life—changing borders, societies, dynasties, and destinies.

On the other hand, artistic personalities overwhelmed by their fire element burn through relationships, are prone to emotional outbursts, can't seem to avoid tremendous emotional drama, and live lives full of emotional adventure (often accompanied by physical adventure, but not always).

Fire-filled sticklers-for-rules enact & uphold iron-clad frameworks. They also hunt down rule-breakers—with severe consequences for their quarry. Such people may manifest as parents, teachers, policemen, or politicians who, unlike their warring or artistic counterparts, often love uniforms & conformity.

The fiery artist may be a flaming liberal while the fiery stickler may be a flaming conservative.

If over-fired individuals balance their fire with the other elements, they still maintain their individuality, but channel their unique personality in a much healthier manner.

Furthermore, the 4-Elements system progresses with increasing complexity.

For example, maybe you realize your most dominant element is Fire.

But maybe your next most dominant element is Wind.

​So you end up being a Wind-of-Fire.

If your next dominant element is Water, then you end up with a Water-of-Wind-of-Fire personality.

Interestingly, you can also have a "doubled" element, like being Earth-of-Earth-of-Fire.

Or Earth-of-Fire-of-Earth.

I'm not sure exactly how...yet. Still working on it. 

(You can see why I'm finding it complex. Invaluable, but complex.)

To see an example of the above idea, please read this: 
Fixing Your Fire (Conceit)—Stable Growth

I admit I'm still getting used to the idea of balancing the elements—rather than only channeling a person's main element for the good, which is what other personality systems do.

But reading Rav Schwartz's material on the subject shows that we need to:

• balance the elements of our personality

AND

• use each element for the good.

That provides invaluable help in doing teshuvah.

But to do this, you need to work out the elemental proportions of your particular personality.

And how can you figure out your personal composition of these 4 elements?

Traditionally, people figured out their individual composition of elements by studying the elements and analyzing themselves to see what fit where.

This works, and even as he acknowledges the challenge of doing so, Rav Schwartz reassures us that's possible to figure ourselves out this way.

(Not to mention, the struggle to understand often contributes to the refining teshuvah process.)

For some of you, your composition might be very clear.

​But for others? It's a head-scratching exercise.

For example, differentiating between Fire & Wind can prove challenging.

Differentiating between Water & Wind can also prove challenging.

Or differentiating between aspects of Water & Earth can prove challenging.

For example, Rav Schwartz says that depression emanates from either Water or Earth:

• Depression from the Water element derives from a lack of vitality in life.
• Depression from the Earth element derives from not wanting to exist at all.

See? Same emotional state, but 2 different (albeit similar) reasons.

Then Rivka Levy published a book on the 4 Elements personality system and included a 40-question quiz to help people figure out their composition.

(I think you can access the quiz HERE.)

In Rav Ofer Erez's book on the deeper meanings of Rebbe Nachman's The Lost Princess, Ahavat Kedumim, he works it out the following way:

​Fire
Root: Arrogance & anger

Positive expression: "Tov l'hodot l'Hashem — It's good to thank Hashem."

• Emuna
• Optimism
• Humility
• Bitachon (trust in God)
• Seeing the good in everything
• Being happy with what one has
• Investing spiritual efforts with enthusiasm
• Wisdom combined with healthy logic
• Interpreting reality correctly

Wind
Root: Corrupted speech

Positive expression: "V'amcha kulam tzaddikim — And Your Nation is comprised entirely of righteous people."

• Giving the benefit of the doubt
• Compassion
• Loyalty
• Listening
• Accepting others as they really are
• Precision (diyuk; I think this means avoiding statements of exaggeration and melodrama)
• Minimizing the amount of talking one engages in
• Holy speech for the sake of Am Yisrael
• The power of tefillah
• The power of private discussions with Hashem (hitbodedut)
• Wisdom emanating from a higher awareness that arrives on its own

Water
Root: Earthly pleasures & envy

Positive expression: "Lev basar — a heart of flesh," "Lev tahor bara li Elokim — "O Lord, create within me a pure heart."

• Love
• Caring
• Warmth
• Protectiveness
• Innocence
• Giving of oneself
• Doing things for others
• Being satisfied with little
• Spiritual pleasure
• Love of learning
• The ability to delve deeply into practical knowledge
• Taking an interest in all subject matters

​Earth
Root: Indolence, laziness, heaviness

Positive expression: "L'hiot b'simcha tamid — to always be in a state of joy."

• Joy
• Happiness
• Energy
• Vitality
• Nimbleness
• Reassurance
• Yielding (vatranut)
• The ability to rejoice
• The ability to become healed
• The ability to recover good health
• The ability to cause others to blossom
• The ability to revitalize others
• Stability
• Perseverance
• Alacrity in both practical and spiritual matters
• Emotional intelligence
• A high level of psychological wisdom
• Awareness of others' psychological state

Another insight offered by Rav Schwartz is how each element responds to an enemy:

• Fire wants to destroy the enemy.
• Wind wants to whoosh away the enemy or whoosh itself out of the interaction.
• Water wants to give something to the enemy to make peace.
• Earth wants to sit down & work out the issue.

You identify your FIRST response to a FIRST encounter with an "enemy."

For example, while a predominantly Water personality might wish to proffer a peace-offering, continued negative encounters with the same enemy might cause the Fire element to flame up as a desire to destroy the same enemy with whom the Water initially wished to appease & nurture.

​But the predominance of Water is demonstrated by the person's INITIAL response.

Needless to say, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

A lot more information to help you figure out your elements (and how to both balance them & use them for the good) lies in Getting to Know Your Soul and the Bilvavi  website. (This links to their recently created English-only website. It's a beautiful & smooth interface, a real pleasure to navigate. They still have English articles on their Hebrew website, but it's a lovelier experience to visit their English-only website.)

Links for more information on this topic:
Understanding Your Middos (a PDF booklet of the 4 Elements personality system by Rav Itamar Schwartz)
Fixing Your Middos (the 1st article in a series, you can just keep pressing on "next" to go through the whole series)
Torah Sources of the 4 Elements (Hebrew only)
Rav Schwartz's English PDF ebooks
Rav Schwartz's English books in print
​Rav Itamar Schwartz on: How Self-Awareness Leads to Love, How Inner Unity Leads to National Unity, the Quandary of Sensitive People, and a Simple 2-Word Meditation Exercise (a Myrtle Rising post)
​Using the 4 Elements for Self-Awareness & Self-Improvement (a Myrtle Rising discussion of Rav Ofer Erez's book)

Here are Rav Schwartz's PDF booklets for special focus:
Fixing Your Fire
Fixing Your Wind
Fixing Your Water
Fixing Your Earth

On her blog, Shirat Devorah, Devorah herself made a comment in response to another commenter regarding the reality for many people in the frum world who feel attracted to their own gender: loneliness & frustration & rejection.

Now, this is not true for everyone who feels this way.

Some manage their situation in a way that works for them. I heard of at least one who got married with the full knowledge of his kallah. They felt compatible in other ways & it definitely takes a certain kind of woman to agree to this, no matter how compatible she feels with him otherwise.

But according to him, it worked out. He worked on himself in this area, felt enormous affection & appreciation toward his wife, and invested strong efforts with regard to his thoughts & eyes—in much the way any person works on his taavot of any kind.

But Devorah's response struck me because it was so simple & straight-forward, yet I never heard it before and it never occurred to me:

A LOT of people feel lonely & frustrated & rejected—for a variety of reasons. That's not a reason to do something forbidden (and especially a forbidden act that reaps so much harm in its wake—even if that harm is not immediately perceived).

The emotional argument is a hard one to debate in our times because Western society considers feelings a deciding factor—one that trumps morality and even science (like in the case of gender dysphoria).

For example, in the case of gender dysphoria, society increasingly capitulates to the demands of biological males who claim to feel female. They insist on using women's restrooms and participating in girls' sports, despite the obvious inequality—and danger to both women & children (as has already happened).

Or how institutions & organizations are trying to set up a situation in which a man who feels female and goes to a doctor complaining of abdominal pain will not just be tested for abdominal issues, but also uterine issues—despite not having a uterus.

Females claiming to feel male may insist on being tested for non-female issues, even though her reproductive system may be the issue.

​I'm not sure if this has actually happened yet, but the idea is being pushed forward.

Furthermore, in some places, it is legal for a 6-7-months pregnant woman with a fully developed baby who can live (with assistance) outside the womb to kill this baby in a multi-step procedure—all because she doesn't feel like she's ready to have a baby, whether to raise it herself or opt for adoption (because adoption also presents very real emotional challenges).

In the frum world, rabbis receive insistent questions from young frum Jews in non-Jewish/non-frum working environments who wish to record meaningless TV shows on Shabbat in order to participate in conversations with their co-workers, who primarily discuss a specific show.

They express feeling awkward & judged by not watching the TV show.

Because feelings play such a decisive role nowadays, it's increasingly difficult to encourage actions that may cause some degree of discomfort—and the vast majority of any kind of inner growth initially sparks discomfort.

While the world of bodybuilding and other avenues of physical beautification still hold by the motto "No pain, no gain," many people expect to reach all other goals with minimal effort.

This includes education, money, food, relationships, material acquisition, and much more.

(True, people in certain majors in Ivy League schools expect hard work—like Harvard law or Harvard medical school. However, many American college students expect easy work & grades, and indeed receive an insufficient education even at the college level.)

​Also in the realm of emotions, people increasingly turn to drugs (both legal & not) for relief.

A minority of those taking medication invest effort in working on their middot. I've met them and their determination to work on themselves while taking medication (sincerely using the medication as an assistant to their inner work, rather than as a replacement for inner work) inspires me with a lot of admiration for them.

It's not easy, yet they persevere onward.

But most people taking medication use it to feel good rather than be good.

So when people hear encouragement to grow in ways that are emotionally uncomfortable, it sounds too foreign and repellant.

Interestingly, despite all the remedies for & catering to emotional demands, many people complain of feeling lonely or otherwise dissatisfied in their lives.

Doing the right thing automatically creates a rockier road in our life journey.

​But an attitude of emunah & a relationship with Hashem can give us pleasure as we make our way over the rocks.

Knowing that the rockiness makes a stronger & better in the end, knowing that a wonderful future awaits us at the end—these grant the journey meaning and make it all feel worthwhile.

Yet the road never lies straight forever; every journey consists of ups & downs.

Most people cannot maintain a high level of emunah for long.

They experience lows.

Sometimes, a lonely & frustrating situation hits regardless of what the person does to prevent it: a disability, an accident, an attack, a death, a lost job—these can all thrust a person into a low place.

Other times, a moral decision casts a person into a low place. Swimming against the current means exhaustion and getting water & debris in your face at times.

A person who decides to:

• keep Shabbat
• behave & dress with personal dignity & modesty
• keep kosher (or a higher level of kashrut)
• refuses to go to the movies
• etc...

​...will find themselves feeling uncomfortable & frustrated in modern society (unless they live & work in a predominantly frum community—and even then, if they uphold standards higher than their community's, they may also experience loneliness, rejection, discomfort, and frustration).

Another example:
​Adhering to the laws of lashon hara sometimes causes very hard feelings and incite criticism—no matter how nicely & gently you hold your ground in this area.

Yet millennia of Jewish scholarship remains uncompromising about sins of the tongue, emphasizing the glory in store for one who refrains from speaking wrongly while warning of the terrible damage resulting from improper speech.

​One famous afterlife communication stressed that in the Heavenly Court, "sins of the tongue are the worst of all."

Depending on what social circles you find yourself in, upholding the laws of lashon hara can definitely bring you loneliness, discomfort & rejection.

So should you consider yourself exempt?

No way. They don't exempt you in Shamayim for such reasons.

We are expected to rise to the occasion and build ourselves.    

I once knew a young Jewish woman who majored in Chrixian art.

Outside of her classes, she dedicated her heart, time, and money to this subject.

Yet upon becoming frum, she realized this career presented a challenge to her newfound frumkeit.

Consultation with knowledgeable, experienced people revealed the dismaying truth: There was no kosher outlet for her chosen calling.

For art? Yes.

For this specific branch of art? Absolutely not.

All those years, time, and money invested in this art? Null & void.

That's pretty depressing, isn't it?

Understandably, she went through a sour period following this unhappy revelation.

But much to her credit, she stuck it out (at least for as long as I knew her).

If you see her journey through eyes of emunah, then you realize that Hashem caused her initial attraction to tamei art, and caused her to discover frumkeit when she did, and then caused her to confront this massive nisayon. 

You also realize that she receives MAJOR BIG-TIME reward & blessing for her fortitude to turn away from her previous calling and forge a new path.

​That is HARD.

And she deserves enormous credit for her courage & commitment, despite her massive disappointment.​

If a person expresses difficulty, loneliness, discomfort, unhappiness, frustration, etc., with adhering to a specific mitzvah or prohibition, we should respond with empathy, compassion, and encouragement.

We should be careful not to shame the person, or otherwise denigrate or crush somebody struggling in a nisayon.

However, negative feelings & inconvenience should never be accepted as an excuse to stomp all over clear Torah prohibitions—especially extremely severe prohibitions that cause the destruction of both one's society & one's self.

Many of us suffer negative feelings & challenging situations.

​People suffering from same-gender attraction can't use that as an exemption.

Society presents it as an exceptional type of suffering, but it's not as special or exceptional as presented in the mainstream.

And thanks again to Devorah for introducing that simple yet powerful truth.

In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah for Parshat Vayetzei: Yaakov's Ladder, Rav Miller emphasizes that the dynamics of Yaakov Avinu's life reflect the journey of every individual Jew.

Ma'asei avot siman l'banim—What happened to our holy forefathers stands as a portent for what will happen to us.

Often discussed on a national level, Rav Miller now brings it down to the personal individual level.

​​As Rav Miller notes on page 4:

One of the first major lessons presented in this parshah is the ladder in Yaakov's historical dream.

​Rav Miller emphasizes that the ladder represents our goal of constant upward motion: We must strive to reach Hashem.

Ladders aren't places to hang out and shmooze while playing poker. (The rungs don't make for comfortable seating, nor do they facilitate card games.)

Ladders represent a way to get from one place to another—in this case, UP.

​Secondly...why davka a ladder?

Why doesn't Hashem give us wings so we can fly up?

Or a magic carpet, so we can comfortably soar up to our spiritual apex?

Or a rocket? Then we can arrive at our holy destination all the faster.

But no.

Hashem WANTS us to climb.

Step by step, rung by rung—with lots of effort!

And repetition!

A ladder means you make the same movements again and again.

And that, says Rav Miller, looms as a primary lesson of Yaakov's history-making ladder.

Rav Miller cautions us not to fear our initial feelings of hypocrisy.

When starting out on a new step of our spiritual journey, we often feel uncomfortable or fake.

With those newly observant to Judaism, a transition period exists in which the new baal teshuvah is basically a secular person who increasingly does mitzvot before he transitions into a frum person who sometimes stumbles in aveirot (transgressions).

​That's an entirely natural part of becoming frum.

Yet any person who takes on a new uplifting act or thought pattern experiences a similar dynamic, whether the person is FFB from a chashuv family or a newly-minted baal teshuvah.

We feel awkward & insincere.

Kol hahatchalot kashot—All beginnings are hard.

It takes time to get your foothold & find your rhythm.

It takes time to adapt to the new you and your new shell.

And despite the fumbling awkwardness of it all, take pleasure in the fact that you are doing something fabulous.  

In his wonderfully witty way, Rav Miller clarifies the difference between emunah sichlit (intellectual belief) and real internalized emunah (page 6):

We want real emunah.

And for that we need to go back to our ladder.

Sometimes, you manage to stretch yourself up 2 or 3 rungs at a time. 

But mostly, expect repetitive climbing step by step.

And, starting at the bottom of page 6, Rav Miller offers us a few different programs for climbing that ladder.

Program #1
​Talk to Hashem for 1 minute each day.

​It's good to read pages 7-8 because Rav Miller offers delicious advice on how to do this program if you're not sure how to start or if you get stuck.

Intriguingly, Rav Miller advises you to pause in this 1-minute practice after a month, and then start up again.

He likens it to stopping for a rest in the middle of your climb.

Why?

Because even this 1 minute of holy conversation can start to feel routine and then you find yourself going through the motions, rather than keeping it meaningful.

Program #2
Recognize everything around you as the Hand of Hashem.

On pages 10-14, Rav Miller offers compelling ideas & descriptions to initiate this recognition.

Also, Rav Miller notes that you can follow Program #2 while you follow Program #1.

They complement each other.

Program #3
​Do things l'Shem Shamayim (for the sake of Heaven).

​Again, Rav Miller offers lots of solid direction & compelling examples on pages 15-19 for how to accomplish this.

You do this for the seemingly mundane stuff in life, like going to work, dealing with a customer, serving supper, washing a dish, bathing a child, eating lunch, sleeping, and so on.

​Having said all, that Rav Miller cautions us with the following (page 18):

While you climb your ladder, Rav Miller encourages us to keep in mind the following:

1. Don't tell others about your involvement in these programs. (They often discourage you. For more on that, please see page 8.)
2. Don't get discouraged. (page 19)
3. Hashem is waiting for you at the top of the ladder. (pages 19-21) 

May Hashem shower us all with much bracha & hatzlacha in our climb.

Someone asked me to write an article on codependence, and include the Jewish view on it.

That always means an interesting process because, as we know, Chazal never uses modern terms like "codependence," so one must figure out the terms Chazal uses to describe this dynamic.

And as far as I know (which is admittedly not as much as I'd like), neither the Torah nor Chazal describe this dynamic the way we do.

However, copious sources exist on dealing with difficult people & one's own faulty middot—which are the main cause of codependence.

Furthermore, a prime example of living with a dysfunctional person while retaining personal spiritual & mental health occurs in Parshat Vayetzei with Lavan as the appallingly dysfunctional person and Yaakov as the spiritual victor.

But first, let's backtrack a bit to the modern idea of codependence.

In a nutshell, codependency means you rely on another person for your self-worth & self-image, which causes you to try to control their behavior in some way.

This can be manipulative at worst or an attempt at self-protection at best.

Some signs of co-dependency are:

• Taking responsibility for another person's actions.
• Worrying about or incurring the consequences for the problems of others.
• Covering up to protect others from the results of their poor choices.
• Doing more than is required at your job or at home to earn approval.
• Difficulty making decisions in a relationship.
• Difficulty identifying your feelings.
• Difficulty communicating in a relationship.
• Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself.
• Lacking trust in yourself and suffering poor self-esteem.

Psychologists often advise co-dependents to:

• Establish boundaries in relationships.
• Resist the urge to fix, control, or save the other person. 
• Prioritize your own inner growth.

Like a lot of other pop psychology, codependency is nothing new for me because it reached mainstream popularity when I was in high school. 

Friends in therapy or support groups (like Alateen for the teenage children of alcoholic parents) discussed it frequently.

Girls would "helpfully" tell each other, "That is sooo co-dependent."

But if you come from another culture or generation, codependency might seem like a really cool chiddush to you.

So please just keep in mind while I discuss it, that you & I may come from very different perspectives regarding this.

And just to be upfront, I've always rejected certain aspects of codependency since I first heard about it, never fully accepting those aspects of its philosophy. (Partially? Yes. Wholly? No.)

​For example, the idea that your behavior is YOUR problem?

"It ain't mine and I don't need to own it or fix it."

Yes, that works well in many situations.

It's definitely worth trying. It can be a huge help in getting you to take a step back and change your less-than-healthy behaviors.

But I could never accept this completely because it simply is not true in many situations.

​For example, if someone frequently yells at you (which causes a very real & measurable physiological effect on the human target of the yelling), yells at your children, lies, omits vital information, sabotages you, or a range of other harmful behaviors...you better believe it DOES become your problem.

Some behaviors are literally intolerable...yet you cannot get away from the person (or at least, not immediately).

A friend of mine married to a mentally ill man once commented that a lot of coping behaviors are labeled as codependent, but really they're not, because the dysfunctional person doesn't leave you with much choice in practical coping.

​This is true.

Furthermore, I noticed a fuzzy fine line between making sure the other person's ball stays in the other person's court, and trying to control their behavior.

Where is the line between enforcing your stated boundaries and controlling the other person's behavior?

​Very fuzzy.

This can actually make a person feel worse & ironically lower their self-esteem even more as they feel like a failure for constantly falling back into codependent behaviors (which may not be codependent; instead, their response might show good sense, depending on their situation).

​Finally, I ran across an article by a psychologist who stated that many people are labeled as codependents, but they're really not.

​They're stuck in extraordinarily difficult situations and are coping as best they can with abysmally limited options. Their behaviors actually show good sense within their context.

​It all depends.

Basically, the psychologist rejected the idea of codependency as an overall catch-all philosophy. Thank God.

​Let's look again at a key idea in codependency treatment: "Your behavior is YOUR problem, not mine."

Again, an excellent attitude in some situations, but confusing in other situations.

For example, when my frum friend's husband decided to buy all sorts of things forbidden by their children's school (AFTER my friend already signed the forms for the school promising not to expose their children to such things—values with which she personally agreed)...is that not her problem?

Is it not her problem that her signature appears on an agreement that is being violated?

And will it not be her problem if classmates' parents or teachers call HER demanding to know why her children are doing/saying certain things clearly forbidden by the school?

And the fact that she absolutely does not want her children engaging in such activities—is that not her problem? Does it not deeply hurt her to see them doing things she does not want them to do?

And will she not suffer the repercussions of her children living a life against her values & in opposition to how she personally chooses to raise them?

​Another example:
With dysfunctional husbands, one of their favorite pastimes (whether consciously intended or done instinctively) is to disturb their wife's sleep. (I've seen this repeatedly as a common thread with abusive husbands, regardless of the type of abuse & regardless of culture or religious background, etc. It's universal, as far as I can tell. And it's particularly problematic when she has a baby or ill children who also wake her up at night.)

So...if you cannot get the basic sleep you need, is this not your problem?

If you suffer the very real physiological effects of sleep deprivation, is that not YOUR problem?

If you go through the day as a confused slow-response zombie, is that not YOUR problem?

It is certainly not the problem of the person who deprived you of sleep.

​Generally, that person simply either leaves the home to avoid dealing with anything or yells at & criticizes his frazzled zombie wife for not functioning properly. Or yells at the kids too, maybe even also yelling about how incompetent he thinks their sleep-deprived mother is.

(He also finds a way to take a nap to remedy his own lack of sleep. And there's heck to pay if his family doesn't accommodate him.)

Such behavior gratifies his ego on some level.

​Either way, it's definitely not HIS problem, only hers.

This brings us to the next "cure" for codependency: setting healthy boundaries.

Again, this is a very good idea.

Even just being aware of the need for boundaries can initiate a positive change in one's thought patterns & behaviors.

However, many dysfunctional people do not give a darn about boundaries.

Setting healthy boundaries in a "calm, yet firm" manner can set off unhealthy people, making them behave much worse.

And sticking to your guns throughout their tirades doesn't always work either. 

Sometimes it does. But sometimes it doesn't.

Why?

Reason #1: Most unhealthy people see themselves as victims.

(A real psychopath generally doesn't, but most other abusive people do.)

One of the most extreme examples of this is Rudolf Höss, yemach shemo, the commandant of Auschwitz.

When he first received orders from the big Nazi fuhrer yemach shemo to create an extermination camp, he considered the orders both "extraordinary" and "monstrous."

Upon being forced to witness the flogging of a prisoner accused of stealing cigarettes, Höss yemach shemo, said that he was indeed forced as he did not want to watch. The flogging and the victim's screaming made the Auschwitz commandant "go hot and cold all over" and also made him "shudder."

He also put a halt to the random tortures & executions carried out by the Nazi security personnel in Auschwitz's early years. ("Purposeful" tortures & executions were okay, but he despised "senseless" brutality.)

​Astonishingly, he considered himself more "sensitive" than average—something he tried to disguise with a cool exterior. (I guess that compared to the other Nazi sadists, the fact that he didn't actively enjoy torture & murder made him feel himself more sensitive.)

Furthermore, the horrific suffering & slaughter of Jewish children in the death camps disturbed him greatly. He said the murder of the Jewish children made him "weak-kneed" and he found it all extremely "distasteful."

Yet he felt it a necessary evil because the Jews were a menace to mankind and the Aryan German people in particular were the victims of this "menace."

​He justified his actions by explaining how he'd been brought up to believe that the persecution of Jews was a form of "pest control."

So despite his "distaste" of the "monstrous" slaughter committed against children & babies at Auschwitz, he gave his full support to this genocide because of his conviction that he & the German people were victims of "pests."

Overall, Mr. Sensitive commandeered the slaughter of around 2 million people.

(A lot of dysfunctional, abusive people see themselves as sensitive souls who are vulnerable & easily victimized. Again, that's how they permit themselves such abusive behavior: They see it as self-defense or out of their control. Having said that, there are truly sensitive people who are sensitive in a good way.)

Reason #2: Dysfunctional people aren't stupid. They also don't give a darn about your oh-so calmly yet firmly stated boundaries or your heroic display of emotional maturity.

Sure, some dysfunctional people are pretty dumb. But many aren't.

And when you start your whole boundary-making thing, they see exactly what you are doing and...guess what? It makes them ANGRY.

They feel HURT. And RESENTFUL.

They easily decide to take their resentment & hurt out on you, including a lashon hara campaign and other forms of vengeance. If you work for or with them, you may find yourself out of a job or affected in some other extremely unpleasant way.

(But hey, that's not your problem, right?)

Even if they don't feel hurt and angry, they do feel contemptuous.

Or confused: Boundaries? What are those? What's happening? Have I entered the twilight zone? 

Or simply apathetic. After all, what can you possibly do to enforce your boundaries? And why should they care?

Practically speaking, what can you really do to stop them?
​
They can stride right over your boundaries. And they do!

It reminds of a scene in a movie in which a martial arts champion comes at his opponent on the street, displaying fancy footwork and lethal karate moves...and then his opponent whips out a gun and shoots him dead on the spot.

So much for all those fancy moves & years of honing the necessary skills.

Bang! He's dead.

Anyway...in the above example of sleep deprivation, is there any way to stop a husband from depriving his wife of sleep?

No. Only if he chooses to stop.

And the really dysfunctional ones don't. They continue no matter what the consequences.

Another example—a really common example:
​
Try telling such a person something like, "I will be ready to discuss this with you when you are ready to discuss this without insults or yelling."

Guess what? They don't care.

Try leaving the room to "enforce your boundary."

Guess what? They can follow you...and they do! (Often growing louder & nastier as they go.)

Furthermore, a lot of dysfunctional people ENJOY yelling and insulting. Your resistance (which they see as rebellion or fighting fire with fire) makes them feel like now they have a right to continue with their yells and insults. 

Or, they stop that behavior at that moment, but engage in another distressing behavior at another time. (BTW, that sneaky delayed "Gotcha!" ambush response is VERY common with these types. They do it in marriage, friendships, family, work, neighbors—it's very stressful.) 

They see it as a power struggle and feel they must win.

​They're wrong, but that's how they see it.

So...there you have it with the ol' boundary-setting technique. (For some people, anyway. Again, the above techniques DO work with SOME people.)

And guess what? Even court orders have failed those they were meant to protect.

Sometimes an ignored court order ends in the death of the person the court order meant to protect.

(Is that the victim's problem yet? Or is being murdered in your own home also a codependent behavior?)

So short of punching or shooting these personal boundary-trespassers (which will bring even more unwanted unpleasant consequences), you cannot stop them from behaving however they please—IF they are determined to do so.

Final example:
I once knew a woman who was unusually awful. Throughout my life, I've very rarely met someone as sociopathic as she. She fully enjoyed hurting others, she KNEW she hurt others, and she MEANT to do so.

She never even used the excuse of being a victim. She also never disguised her heartfelt enjoyment of another's pain.

Full awareness of with no shame whatsoever.

One of her favorite victims was her younger sister, whom she continued to torment into their forties.

(And before anyone starts boo-hooing over the psychopathic woman's childhood, please know that she suffered no abuse. The only factor I ever noted was her weak & easily manipulated mother. Spoiling & indulging children can cause serious dysfunction. In fact, studies on narcissist personality disorder show that excessive praise & overvaluing a child can cause NPD. You don't hear much about the dangers of spoiling children in pop psychology, but I've personally seen it & it's pretty ugly.)

Anyway, her younger sister had been attending therapy and was very committed to avoiding codependent behaviors. She did her best to set boundaries and not make her psychopathic sister's problems her problems.

But, as stated, dysfunctional people don't give a darn about boundaries.

At the wedding of their niece, for example, the psychopathic sister physically leaned her entire body on her younger sister, her arm hugging her shoulders, and her hand cupped over her suffering sister's ear as she whispered derisive comments throughout the ENTIRE ceremony.

Like, an hour.

The suffering sister did her best to look straight ahead and ignore the psycho sister, to focus on the wedding and completely ignore her psycho sister's behavior. I noticed the suffering sister also did her best to keep her face stoic and not look pained.

Good for her. 

Yet her heroic efforts did nothing to stop or even weaken the psycho sister.

The psycho sister KNEW she caused pain to her younger sister, regardless of the lack of response. And that sadistic awareness what gave her all the gratification she needed.

The psycho sister wasn't even embarrassed, despite the fact that the ugly dynamic was so obvious to anyone who glanced at them. (A tall tanned woman, she looked like a giant brunette leech attached to her painfully stoic sister.) 

The psycho sister lacked shame, partly because she lacked a conscience. But also partly because she was fabulously wealthy and secular while most of the attendees were frum & not fabulously wealthy, and she disdained frum people & people who made less money than she.

So she did not care what onlookers thought any more than she cared what an audience of grasshoppers would think.

​Therefore, I felt so much appreciation when the movement to deal with NPD popped up.

Finally, someone acknowledged that setting boundaries sometimes either incites vengeance—or the dysfunctional person simply disregards the boundaries.

But then they introduced the low-contact or no-contact methods. And like with the codependency methods, these methods can work and work really well. But not always. And sometimes these methods do more harm than good. Or sometimes low-contact or no-contact is impossible (like if you live with them or share custody of children together or work for/with them, etc.).

​So in summary:

• Techniques to overcome codependency CAN be VERY helpful.

 

• If codependency applies to your situation, you should try the techniques.

 

• Standing up to bullies can work—and even earn you their respect & loyalty.

 

• Even just the act of thinking about boundaries or whose problem it is can cause a positive mental shift.

 

• If these anti-codependency methods work, then...great! Hashem revealed them for a reason. If they work, continue to use them!

 

• However, these techniques fail in many situations, leaving people feeling bad about themselves. 

 

• Many people simply cannot develop the thick enough skin necessary to fully uphold the anti-codependency techniques.

 

• Many people struggle to switch between detaching in an unhealthy situation & then attaching in a healthy situation, particularly when the situations occur close together. People aren't electrical circuits that can flip themselves on & off at will. 

 

• Some situations leave very little room for choice. Feel good about whatever mental & spiritual health you manage to accomplish.

So this sums up my views on codependency as far as pop psychology goes:

The field of codependency contains a lot of beneficial stuff, but it also suffers from some very real structural weaknesses.

Now, let's continue on to what Judaism says about dealing with dysfunctional people.

As mentioned at the beginning of the post, the situation between Yaakov Avinu & Lavan is a prototype for dealing with really awful people.

In fact, many frum psychologists have both written & spoken about Yaakov Avinu's techniques and what we can learn from them.

So first of all, it needs to be clear that we cannot look at Yaakov Avinu's response to Lavan without the uncompromising knowledge that Yaakov Avinu was a man of emunah.

His actions cannot be removed from that spiritual context.

​Yaakov Avinu maintained constant awareness that everything was Divinely orchestrated.

And that's the real example to follow.

So, for example, Yaakov Avinu set healthy boundaries with Lavan.

He calmly yet firmly asserted his insistence on marrying Rachel Imeinu.

Yet when he awoke the morning after his first wedding and saw Leah Imeinu instead of Rachel, did he say, "Whoa, wrong wife! Well, that's not MY problem!"?

Did he enforce his personal boundaries? (i.e., "I'm divorcing you, Leah. Lavan, I'm giving Leah a get. I worked 7 years for Rachel and that's that.")

Not in the way we think.

He remained married to Leah & related to her as an ideal husband.

Yet he didn't give up on Rachel and instead agreed to work ANOTHER 7 years—something most of us would consider exploitative.

​Regardless of the circumstances, Yaakov always behaved with full integrity. His work ethic alone defies belief.

He took precautions against Lavan, but he also behaved with impeccable moral integrity.

​He never took revenge either, nor did he take out his disappointments on his wives or children. He didn't take advantage of any loopholes for lashon hara l'to'elet and complain about Lavan around town.

Yaakov Avinu knew Who was really in charge.

Lavan played the victim. (i.e., "What, you want me to give you my younger daughter before my older daughter? How could you? Heavens to Betsy, we don't do such things!" Or, "How can you just leave like that, without even letting me kiss good-bye my darling daughters and grandchildren? Sniff! Boo-hoo!" So sensitive! [sarc])

Yaakov also refused to allow any environmental influences to steal in.

Lavan achieved mastery in the occult. Those missing terafim were the shrunken heads of first-borns who spoke when Lavan performed certain formulas. (Did Lavan wait until a first-born happened to die and then take his head? I don't know. But either way, Lavan was a pretty creepy guy.)

So despite the extreme dark occult going on next-door, Yaakov kept himself sterlingly clean, spiritually speaking.

Initially, he went low-contact with Lavan—as much as realistically possible, anyway.

Later, when it became feasible, Yaakov Avinu went no-contact with Lavan.

Everything according to whatever proved best in each given moment—and all with unshakeable yishuv hadaat.

Yaakov Avinu survived & even thrived because he only considered what Hashem wanted from him each time Lavan shot yet another curveball at him.

​And that's how Yaakov Avinu dealt with all his difficult situations in life: What does Hashem want from me right now? What is the halachically & morally correct response? 

I'm paraphrasing of course. How did he think of halacha with no Shulchan Aruch and not even a Sefer Torah? I'm not sure. But the concept certainly existed—Yeshivat Shem v'Ever and his parents & grandparents.

So the big lesson from this classic example is:

• Maintain yishuv hadaat.
• Respond with integrity and emunah.

Hashem caused the situation for your benefit (even if it feels totally non-beneficial).

Nothing really helps until you internalize that concept (even if only a little).

The Pele Yoetz discusses very painful personal situations with no real solution.

He acknowledges the pain, sympathizes (especially with an abused wife; less so with an abused husband, interestingly) and censures the abusive people involved.

At times, he censures the abusers using harsh, uncompromising language (like "snake").

But at the same time, he strongly adjures the victim to respond with complete integrity.

​It depends what the situation is, but sometimes all he does is encourage uncompromising integrity combined with copious daily prayer.

Just those 2 things: integrity & prayer.

Sometimes he offers tips & things to say to get what you want out of a relationship.(Actually, he only offers these tips to women, not men.) But in a really hopeless situation, he only focuses on your integrity (how you behave) and prayer. No techniques, tips, methods, lifehacks, nada.

But he makes no promises.

Even with the copious daily prayer, he says, ulai—perhaps—you will be answered.

Maybe. No guarantees.

But if you uphold your integrity & your middot, he reassures you of a good Olam Haba. That's the comfort.​

For months, I've really wanted to write a post on impossible situations, but keep procrastinating.

This post isn't it, but nonetheless, let's touch on it here because the vacillating dynamics of codependency have a lot to do with impossible situations.

Pop psychology, being atheist at heart, fails in the face of impossible situations.

Therefore, it's hard to find the help you need in an impossible situation, unless the solutions actually work for your situation (but often don't in truly impossible situations because they are, by definition, impossible).

On the heels of that disappointing fact, therapists, rabbis, and rebbetzins often fail in this area.

Having made that depressing observation, you CAN find frum therapists, rabbis, and rebbetzins who help.

But they must have a spiritual perspective. (The helpful ones, of course. The non-helpful ones lack a spiritual perspective no matter how frum they seem on the outside. It's the inside that counts.)

Because impossible situations are Divine refinement and/or Divine atonements, atheist methods cannot help and certainly cannot remedy an impossible situation. 

So most people (including highly touted "experts," no matter how frum they seem on the outside) will not be able to help.

But a minority can. ​

We all know people born without a necessary appendage.

People born without legs, for example, will never be able to develop real legs & walk until Mashiach comes. No running or skipping or soccer-playing for them.

A person born without eyes (like Liat Tzachor HERE) will not be able to see until Mashiach comes. It's simply impossible to expect otherwise.

Likewise, Hashem also decrees other disabling situations on people (though they may not immediately know it).

For example, I once read the true story about a Jewish woman who possessed a part of the soul of Queen Esther.

While overall, Queen Esther's soul ascended to where it experiences unfathomable delight for eternity, one part of her soul needed a specific rectification not achieved in her previous lifetime.

The subtle flaws in that soul required the nisayon of poverty to achieve rectification.

So this meant that this soul must come down into the world for the EXPRESS PURPOSE of enduring poverty.

Because that was the entire purpose of this soul-part coming down into the world, this meant that no matter what its owner did, the person encompassing the soul could never escape poverty.

Do you see what this means?

This means that no matter how much that woman (in whom resided Esther Hamalkah's soul-part) davened, performed segulot, received brachot from tzaddikim, worked, consulted with business experts, no matter who she married, and so on, she would NEVER escape her poverty.

Such a thing was simply impossible.

If she would even raise herself to the lower-middle class, her reason for existence would end.

She could never get a lucky break or make a buck.

So as long as she lived, she must remain dirt-poor.

That was the entire tikkun for her soul.

Nothing else.

And as long as she remained poor, her soul benefitted & worked its tikkun.

(Now, there's more to say about this, like what if she davened A LOT or got someone on the level of the Baal Shem Tov involved? Theoretically, I guess something like an ibbur could happen, etc. But technically speaking, Hashem could never let her out of her poverty without ruining the soul's rectification.)

I really wish I could remember where I read this story and which tzaddik related it. (If you know, please inform us!)

But it always stuck in my head because it demonstrated so clearly why some situations lack any earthly remedy.

Obviously, the hopelessly impoverished woman's situation contained a lot of misery. She lived in a time when poor people lacked all we take for granted today: electricity, indoor plumbing, wintertime heating, solid walls & roof, proper clothing, medicines, daily meals...impoverished people didn't even have pajamas!

​All she could do in such a situation (which lasted her ENTIRE LIFE) was to thank Hashem and try to be happy as best she could, knowing it was all for the best.

I can't remember if she did. Maybe she was miserable & depressed her whole impoverished life, maybe not. (I really wish I could remember!)

​It also shows us why we shouldn't blame people who, no matter how hard they try, can't seem to escape a particular nisayon.

(I'm talking about people who actually try, but never succeed.)

Maybe their soul NEEDS to be in that situation—and pounding them over the head with blame, criticism, and disdain is completely misguided & useless.

And there you go.

​We don't know what's really happening beneath the surface.

​Finally, there's a concept of "feeding your enemy."

Different interpretations exist (most popularly, defining "your enemy" as your yetzer hara, to whom you feed the "bread" of Torah), but one Breslov interpretation considers your enemy as the person who torments you.

Why?

Because the pain caused by your tormentor cleanses your soul of sin.

If you merit to skip Gehinnom altogether, it's likely in the merit of your "enemy"—a person who abused you.

So Breslov says you can go ahead and give your tormentors gifts. Or kind words. Or favors. Or prayers. (Based on Likutei Moharan 277:1: HERE is a short vort on an aspect of it by Chaya Rivka Zwolinski. Also, please read THIS.)

After all, your enemy is your ticket to Heaven!

So show a little "gratitude."

But that sounds crazy.

Or even risky.

So let's take a deeper look into it.

When a person responds with politeness or even kindness to an abusive person, most people consider that codependent or weak or groveling & encouraging of abuse.

Yet it all depends on your intentions.

If you say, "Hashem, I am going to do a favor for my husband or my parents for YOU, because you've commanded me in honoring or loving this person, and so I will do this favor"—then that transforms the entire dynamic.

Remember, Hashem runs things.

He adjusts dynamics & consequences according to our kavanot—our intentions and our hearts.

If you do something nice, acquiesce to the demand of your jerk boss or co-worker (without harming yourself or doing something illegal), offer them a gift or offer sincere praise, etc. WHILE thinking to yourself, "I'm feeding my enemy. Thank You, Hashem, because this person is saving me from Gehinnom"—that changes everything.

And if you manage to do this, you'll notice a change in the dynamic. Maybe the person treats you better, etc.

And other people will tell you that it's because you're behaving without any self-interest and the other person senses that, so they respond in kind, blah, blah, blah.

Now, that's sometimes true that the other person senses your selfless, l'shem Shamayim attitude, and now that they no longer feel you're trying to get something out of them, they relax and respond better.

But people who enjoy hurting others don't give a darn about your selflessness & altruism.

If they soften up, it's most likely because you've sweetened your own dinim by facing the situation with such solid emunah.

Also, you'll notice that the minute you drop the emunah-ball, they revert to their old abusive self.

So, if you do this, you must really do this for yourself, for Hashem, to nurture your relationship with Hashem and not do it for the other person or the relationship at all.

If the person is genuinely dysfunctional, you can hurt yourself by doing this.

You can also cause yourself burnout and so on.

So only do it for Hashem and for your own ruchniut.

It takes some courage and some inner fortification, but it's well worth it because it makes you shine in the Heavenly realms.

It's a huge act of mesirut nefesh—all for your recognition of Hashem's Mastery.

Also, let's say that because it is so awkward & unfamiliar, your fumble it in some way. Maybe, when push comes to shove, you couldn't manage to work yourself up to that level. Or you did it in a bumbling way. And now your "enemy" is laughing at you (maybe other people are). Maybe he or she is denigrating you for your efforts.

It feels worse.

But really, you didn't fail.

In Shamayim, you are considered wildly successful.

Why?

Because it's your heart, your kavanah, that counts.

You shine in the Heavenly realms because hardly anyone else ever tries to do what you did.

So even if you failed practically speaking, you can still be considered a brilliant success in the Upper Realms.

Most people don't even know to do it.

Heck, I never would've guessed unless I read it. My mind doesn't work that way.

And even if they know, it feels too hard & too risky.  

And maybe it is too hard & too risky. 

After all, some people are so crushed & empty that they cannot risk this. (It depends with whom you're dealing.)

Very understandable.

Another way to "feed your enemy" is to daven for them.

Daven for them to do teshuvah, to merit a healing of their soul & bad middot...but also to enjoy good fortune in life. May they not feel too hot or too cold. May people be nice to them. May they encounter only green traffic lights, not red or yellow ones.

It depends who it is and the circumstances. But for some people, the heartbreaking truth is that their parents or their spouse or their sibling is their enemy.

And the above can really help if that's the case. (But no promises.)

It can still be very, very painful, no matter what you do. 

But all these are just different methods within Judaism of dealing with difficult situations: gratitude, being happy with your lot, feeding the enemy, prayer, taking the moral high road, and so on.

Everyone's on a different level facing different challenges with different capabilities.

And each person needs to work with what they have.

And may we all merit to complete our soul rectification in this lifetime—without nisayon or bizayon.