One of the big mistakes of secular psychology is the idea that you can’t really change because you are "diseased" or "traumatized" or "abused" or the child of an alcoholic/etc.

(You may indeed by traumatized or have been abused or be the child of an alcoholic, but that is not all you are. It isn't even the main part of who you are, even though it may understandably feel like an overwhelming part of you at times.)

In addiction therapy, clients are often programmed to see themselves forevermore as addicts.
 
In today’s world, a person who hasn’t had one drink in 10 years will still call himself an alcoholic.
 
“Alcoholism is a disease,” they’ll tell you. “It advances within your body even when you’re not drinking. That’s why if you have a few drinks after several years of abstinence, you’ll get drunk much faster and feel sicker.”
 
Ooh, it all sounds so sinister!
 
The thing is, the reason why you get drunker and sicker after 3 beers rather than your former 8 is because you built up tolerance back then and needed more to get you drunk. Now your tolerance is way down (baruch Hashem!) and so it all hits you harder and faster. No disease, just normal body chemistry.
 
This Western idea of defining people by one negative trait, even when they do everything they can to resist that trait, is very damaging—because it just isn’t true.
 
YOU are not an alcoholic when you’ve been sober for 10 years.

YOU are your soul, which emanates from a special place in Heaven.

I mean, what do you think your soul was doing back in the Heichal Haneshamot (Palace of Souls)? Swigging back martinis? Nope!
 
I read about a former alcoholic who insisted on having one beer a day just for the discipline of not having a second beer. He did this for years and never got drunk.
Is he an alcoholic?
 
In Judaism, we have the idea of a “baal [fill-in-the-blank].”

“Baal” means “master of” or “owner of.” It also means “husband,” so it implies that you are married to the trait.

• A person consumed with pride is called a “baal gaava.”
• A person consumed with base physical desire is called a “baal taava.”
• A person addicted to lashon hara is a “baal lashon hara.”

Not someone who occasionally indulges in the above or someone who struggles hourly fighting the above. But someone who genuinely and regularly indulges in the above.
 
Yet there is the good side too:

• A person consumed with emuna is called a “baal emuna.”
• A person just bursting to the seams with good traits is called a “baal middot.”
• A particularly generous donator of charity is called a “baal tzedakah.”
• And a person who has repented of his sinful ways is called a “baal teshuvah.”

 
If you no longer drink yourself into oblivion, you are not an alcoholic, nor are you a recovering alcoholic. You are a baal teshuvah (at least in this area).
 
In fact, there is an idea in Judaism that true teshuvah transforms you into a new creation. Meaning that you yourself are a new entity of sorts, spiritually speaking.
 
This idea that you are always an addict of some sort, a recovering [fill-in-the-blank], or anything else negative is fear-based thinking. It means that you always have to be vigilant because you could come crashing down at any moment, no matter how much work you’ve done on yourself and no matter how much progress you’ve made.
 
All your efforts and investment are pretty much meaningless because you are an alcoholic.
 
Except that you aren’t.
 
Yes, Rebbe Nachman of Breslov said that this world is a very narrow bridge…BUT.
He also said in the same sentence that the main thing is to have NO FEAR AT ALL.
 
(In the interest of full disclosure, I actually have a lot of fears and anxieties. But my goal is to rid myself of them. NO FEAR is my destination of choice.)
 
Pride also plays a part in this. People overcoming a trait often take a great deal of pride in doing so.

But really, we should feel pleasure, not pride. It’s great to feel pleasure at overcoming your demons and to feel flushed with gratitude at how much Hashem, in His Great Love for you, is helping you overcome all your stuff.
 
But people can get so dependent on that burst of pride they feel every time they overcome their anger/alcoholism/envy/fear/laziness/etc, that they just focus on that and can’t see much beyond it.
 
This “Damaged-and-Doomed” Model so popular in Psychology is neither true nor helpful. In fact, I think it’s telling that they insist that the only road to healing is to spend years paying LOTS of money to your therapist, who promotes this model.
 
Self-serving? Not consciously so, but yeah.
 
You are not your flaws.
 
As long as you are consciously working on rectifying your flaws with Hashem, you are NOT defined by that flaw.

Yes, you may act out in wonky ways sometimes because of how bad experiences have affected you. You may feel worn out from fighting your demons all the time.
 
However...

You are not an alcoholic, a druggie, a pothead, a heretic, a liar, a bum, a hopeless case, a manic-depressive, a Narcissist, a space cadet, a jerk, a glutton, a [female dog], a klutz, a wimp, or anything else as long as you are actively trying not to be one.
 
Even if you sometimes fall on your face as you struggle, those falls do not define you.

You are not your flaws.

 
When I was researching personality disorders, one person came up with the following question:
 
If you recognize Narcissist or Borderline thinking in yourself, but you don’t act on it—instead, you recognize it, acknowledge them, and deal with it within yourself…does that make you Borderline or Narcissist? Meaning, if I identify with a lot of the feelings and emotional reactions common in personality disorders, does that mean that I have a personality disorder, even if I recognize them as irrational and refuse to act on them?
 
The therapist basically answered that the thoughts or feelings themselves—that initial pang of envy, that initial inner flash of rage, that initial sense of being knocked off balance when your black-and-white opinions are upset—these are actually pretty normal. She explained that the main problem is when these feelings mushroom out of control without the person realizing what’s going on.

She also recommended that the Borderline/Narcissist feelings be addressed at their root.
 
But there’s more to it than that.

Your Thoughts & Actions vs. Your Feelings & Inclinations
A midrash about Moshe Rabbeinu relates that a life-like portrait of Moshe Rabbeinu was made and sent to wise men skilled in facial analysis. Shockingly, they reported seeing several very negative traits reflected in Moshe Rabbeinu’s features, including arrogance even though Moshe Rabbeinu was the humblest man who ever lived. Yet when asked about this later, Moshe Rabbeinu answered that yes, he had these traits but had worked to rectify them.
 
The truth is that there is a world of difference between someone who says, “This person didn’t say hi to me when she passed by…how dare she! I HATE HER GUTS! Who does she think she is, snubbing me like that—especially in public!!!” And then telling the incident over like this to another person, justifying the lashon hara as “l’toelet” because she’s so overwrought by the experience and needs to get it off her chest or else she can’t function—and anyway, the other person deserves it because she publicly insulted and humiliated her…
 
…and someone who says, “This person didn’t say hi to me when she passed by…ouch! I hate this kind of thing. It always throws me off. Anyway, I wonder what that’s all about…did she really not see me? Maybe…or maybe she’s distracted? Or maybe she doesn’t like me, but for a reason. Maybe I did something wrong.” (Hatred starts welling up.) “No, I don’t want to hate her. That’s so stupid! Maybe everything’s actually fine and it’s an innocent oversight. Or maybe I really did do something offensive. (Doesn’t do anything nor plan to do anything to “retaliate” because doesn’t like hurting people.) Gosh, I really hate this kind of thing. I hate feeling so crazy and getting thrown off balance by such little things. Normal people don’t feel this way.”
 
The second person is aware that such an extreme reaction of hurt and hate is not appropriate. The second person is also aware that there exist a variety of reasons to explain the snub—one of which might even be the fault of the second person. The second person also feels enough compassion to want to avoid hurting the one who possibly snubbed her and who may actually be an innocent person.
 
Once, I had a neighbor who said, “There are so many snobby people in this building. When we pass each other in the stairwell, they don’t even say hi!”
 
I was confused. “You mean that they don’t respond to your greeting?”
 
She immediately tossed her head and looked away, mumbling something.
 
“Do you say hi to them?” I asked.
 
She made a scoffing noise. “Oh, so I have to be the one to say hi to everybody?!”
 
Now, a lot of people actually do feel uncomfortable when they pass acquaintances, and the acquaintance or neighbor ignores them. Yet these same people are able to rationalize, “Well, I didn’t greet them either.” And they may even feel silly for having feelings of resentment or hurt, realizing on their own that it’s pretty narcissistic and irrational to not only expect people to greet them first, but to even feel outraged and offended when they never extend the same courtesy.
 
So it’s not the fact that you have the feeling or are inclined to certain behaviors.
 
It’s how you think about these feelings and behaviors and what you do with them that defines who you are and whether you are on a path of growth.

• If you can recognize that a certain emotional reaction is irrational or out of proportion to the inciting incident—then GREAT!

 

• And if, based on that awareness, you desire restrain your behavior because you don’t want to hurt anybody or humiliate yourself—then GREAT!

 
However, the Jewish way goes deeper than that.

How to Really Straighten Out Your Flaws and Your Flawed Thinking
While recognizing that your own initial reaction is unreasonable and judging the “offender” favorably are both very good, the awareness that the alleged offense is from Hashem (whether the person meant to offend you or not) is of prime importance.
 
And further recognizing that the “offense” is to your benefit (again, whether the person meant it or not), either as an atonement to clean your Heavenly Slate and pave the way for a Lovely Eternity or as a message of some sort (or both).
 
You can’t help having the inborn traits you have or the having had the experiences that trigger irrational or extreme emotions.

Those were forced upon you. You never had a choice.
 
But how you deal with them is what eventually makes you great.

While modern psychology is very into self-love, self-compassion, and self-esteem, etc., the truth is that you just don’t find such concepts within Torah literature.
(We'll get to what you do find in just a moment.)
 
On the other hand, self-hatred is strongly discouraged within Torah literature as it is just plain wrong and incorrect.
 
Here is the Torah’s take on self-image:

• Your soul itself is holy.
• Your soul belongs to Hashem and was given to you straight from Hashem.
• Your good points are imprinted within your soul by Hashem. (Therefore, you can’t take credit for them, but you can be thankful for and rejoice over them.)
• Your flaws were added by Hashem as removable “rust” or a “coating” (called klippah in Torah literature) because the process of repairing these flaws (i.e. removing that klippah) is good for your soul’s rectification, and the work you do in this area increases the wonderfulness of your ultimate Eternity in your Afterlife.

 
(May you live in robust health until 120!)
 
So what is there to hate?

• Your soul, which is holy and pure, and comes from a holy Abode?
• Or Hashem, Whom it is absolutely forbidden to hate and Whom we are commanded to love with all our heart?

Don't hate yourself. Self-hatred is based on self-deception.
 
However, if you believe that you are basically decent person, but that you just have some flaws to tackle (which is the truth), then you are probably a pretty nice person to be around and your head is probably a nice place to be too.
 
For example...

Andrea and Nora
Andrea vaguely noticed Nora pulling a suitcase into the cafeteria of her baal teshuvah seminary. Public announcements were being made and that’s what Andrea was paying attention to.

Later, Andrea and Nora ended up becoming friends and Nora said, “You know, when I first arrived it was so weird. I show up from America lugging this big suitcase, I’m totally new and disoriented…and no one says a word to me! No one even seemed to notice!”

Suddenly, the image of Nora standing there with her suitcase popped into Andrea’s head, causing Andrea a sting of recognition: She was one of those people who hadn’t noticed the new girl, just off the plane and in a foreign environment.

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” said Andrea. “I think I was one of those people. It’s just that people are coming and going all the time, and there was a crowd and the public announcements, it just didn’t seem like something to notice. But you’re right, people should be more sensitive and welcoming.”

Nora laughed and said, “Yeah, I know that with such a transitory population, it’s easy not to notice. I realized that later when I saw how nice everybody actually was.” With a giggle, she added, “But I just think that there should be some warning, like maybe on the application, that this could happen!”

As Andrea smiled, Nora said, “How did you feel when you first arrived?”

“I didn’t arrive like you,” said Andrea. “I had a friend here, and she brought me over to her room and immediately introduced me to her dorm mates. That’s probably why I didn’t realize that new arrivals actually need more attention.”

From then on, Andrea resolved to pay more attention if someone was new, and especially if the new girl seemed lost or overwhelmed.
 
Because Andrea:

• sees herself as basically decent

and

• does NOT feel that a flaw indicates that she is innately loathsome and undeserving of any respect or love, she sees other people’s flaws the same way: as mere blips that we all have.

She sees them as basically good people who didn’t realize they were doing something wrong or insensitive. And in most cases, that's the truth.

It also enables Andrea to do teshuvah because while she feels a pang at seeing her flaws, she doesn’t feel like they’re a condemnation of her very being.

So even though Andrea has the same blind-spots we all have, she doesn’t fear her flaws as much as a self-hater does.

The Key to Self-Improvement is Self-Azamra!
Rebbe Nachman insists that you find at least one good point in yourself.

("Azamra" means "I will sing" and comes from the word "zemer," which Malbim defines as thanking and praising Hashem for His personal Supervision and miracles; it's a higher level of song than “shir” and adds to “shir.”)

Basically, if you feel that you are redeemable despite your flaws (and you are), then you will feel that others are redeemable despite their flaws too.

And...if you feel that you are redeemable no matter what you've done, then you will be open to seeing your flaws and doing teshuvah.

Therefore, a person with innately more or more serious flaws but who perceives himself as redeemable can end up becoming a very good and rectified person.

But a person with innately fewer or trifling flaws who perceives himself as irredeemable and loathsome (even if that perception is unconscious and he gives lip service to the idea that anyone can do teshuvah) will end up becoming a very nasty and harsh person...even though he started off at a naturally higher level than the person with more and deeper flaws.

(Although if he at any point suddenly decided to see himself as redeemable and realize that his klippah is from Hashem, then he start turning himself around pretty quickly.)

Anyway, the decision is up to each of us.

May we all recognize the holy and precious potential within us.

One part in particular stood out, a letter from the Chafetz Chaim regarding the behavior of those still sincerely committed to Torah amidst all the heresy and spiritual rebellion:

The Chafetz Chaim, in his great humility, included himself in that description even though his dedication toward Am Yisrael is legendary:

• He wrote beautiful and compelling books that are still studied and taken to heart almost a century later by the majority of religious Jews.
• He beseeched the Heavens and fasted for days on end—and did so repeatedly—for the sake of Jews whom he barely knew.
• His tenderness and understanding toward individual Jews of any age and status is still spoken of.

 
And the religious people of whom he spoke had their hands tied in so many ways as described in the book. (Really, what can you do as Rosh Yeshivah of Slutsk if one of your boys pulls out a gun and thus forces the entire yeshivah to listen as he blabs on about the joys of socialism?) What could they have done?

Engrossed in their daled amot. Engrossed. Not trapped and not looking out in dismay at the world crumbling around them. Willfully engrossed within their own world.
 
Just like me.

Yes, it hit me like that. He was talking about me.
 
Yes, I daven for other people. I have a list of sick, the captive, and the spiritually distant for whom I daven. I’ve davened many times for the benefit and salvation of Am Yisrael and even for the sincere Noachides. I repeatedly ask Hashem to bring all of Am Yisrael (including myself) to do teshuvah out of love, and not through of any suffering or humiliation.
 
But it’s not enough.
 
Why?
 
Well, what do you think I do almost every time I see:

• mention of the Women of the Wall, led by that glory-seeking atheist hypocrite?
• Or whenever I read about Christian missionizing in Eretz Yisrael?
• Or read about the encroachment of the Conservative/Reform movements, especially with regard to giyur/conversion?
• Or the IDF enlistment of girls, in particular the spike of religious girls who want to serve in combat (which is problematic on so many levels, it deserves a post of its own)?
• Or Charedi-looking Jews (REAL ones and not government provocateurs in disguise) acting like thuggish vandals out of a sense of unearned piety?
• Or anything along those lines?

I flee.

I flee into myself, I turn the page, I find another distraction, I fleetingly muse, “Oh, we just need to daven more and Hashem will take care of it…” (without immediately davening myself!).
 
Why?
 
Because these things cause me so much pain.

But even more, they make me very, very, very ANGRY.

And there’s nowhere to put that anger.
(Actually, there is. I could channel it into passionate prayer. But because the anger is so painful, I don't even do that much.)

And there’s nothing practical to do.

Demonstrations or confrontations? I get depleted in the worst way from the atmosphere and emotional upheaval the comes from such things—and it doesn’t change anything. People just hate you and whatever you stand for even more than they did before…and they can fight back in the worst way. They are capable of doing things that you, as a decent person, will not contemplate.
(Although the hundreds of sincere female religious worshipers who came to the Kotel to pray with sincerity in the face of the Women of the Wall was a nice idea that worked out well.)

Nor is there anyone to talk to.

The leaders are completely corrupt and consumed with narcissism. And their groupies…well, I know what their groupies are like having grown up with feminism, Conservative/Reform and all the rest, and having dealt with these people after I became frum. I know exactly how sincere, yet exactly how brainwashed and needy they are, and how unwilling they are to really hear the other side of things.

Unless they approach you, or unless they are already on a quest for truth, then there really is no point in addressing the issues because you’ll just come away feeling even worse, they'll despise you, and all for nothing.
 
Having been one myself, I know how self-righteous and determined they are while possessing very little actual knowledge.
 
On the other hand, I’ve spent years increasingly delving into classic Torah sources in the original Hebrew—and not by rote, but really thinking about what these great Torah Sages had to say to us and what they really meant and how to apply it today—because it is applicable today, despite what even some otherwise respectable charedi Orthodox Jews might tell you.
 
So, here is a picture of my world before I discovered Torah-true Judaism:

Ironically, I was consistently indoctrinated that the above is beautiful, colorful ("See? Look at the pretty red rose in the foreground!"), full of light and is the pinnacle of all there is.
 
Then I discovered Torah-true Judaism and it looked like this:

And I was amazed to see what color and light and beauty really looked like, even as it still looked kind of overcast and damp.

But the more I learned, the more I was dismayed and shocked at how much I’d been lied to (all with the best of intentions of course, by people who were just as deluded and deceived as I’d been).
 
And as I delved deeper and deeper, it started looking more like this:

And it’s only getting more expansive and awe-inspiring.

(Of course, I must also disclaim any rose-colored glasses. I see the warts in the frum world. I really do. But the actual Torah, the halacha, the real wisdom from real Sages, the increasing closeness to Hashem? It looks full of expansive color and beauty.)
 
And every time I read about the very disturbing issues listed above, all I can think is that they want to completely demolish everything and revert everything back to this while I’m sitting in the middle of it:

I can’t tell you how horrible the very idea is.

After all this expanse, color, and beauty, I kick and scream against having to ever go back to that dark gray ugly world again.
 
So it’s very easy for me to sit at home with my emuna and mussar books, surrounded by Torah-observant neighbors of whom I’m very fond, in my neighborhood which is designed especially for Jews like me, where Shabbat is a truly beautiful and peaceful place with no cars or stereos and the sound of different melodies of love-songs to Hashem flow out from open windows on Shabbat night, and to blog about emuna and the Kli Yakar and think I’m doing enough, and to blind myself to the ugly muddy tsunami that is rising around the pretty bubble of my own daled amot.

I’m wrong.
 
And the words of the Chafetz Chaim woke me up to that.
 
The people are drowning! And where am I?
Engrossed in my own daled amot, thank you very much.
 
But it’s not right. I’m basically sitting here as if thinking,
I can’t swim out that far. Anyway, there are sharks in the water and those drowning will just lob a spear into or upend my inflatable lifeboat, drowning me along with them. So I’ll just keep on doing my own personal best and hope that will weigh the scales to the side of merit.
 
Wrong! says the Chafetz Chaim. I need to care about all those lost Jews enough to pound the Heavens for their sake. Instead of running away from the disturbing news, I need to shout out to Hashem,
“STOP! I protest this madness! I protest this destruction! You must please turn these precious Jews around right now! You must please wake them up now and with a great deal of gentleness and kindness because they obviously can’t do it on their own! And while You're at it, if You could also gently shake me awake to do COMPLETE teshuvah from love, I'd be very grateful!”
 
If I really loved and cared about the people outside my own daled amot, this is what I would do. And b'ezrat Hashem, I'll already start.

I was thinking a lot recently about how different people react to different events and circumstances.
 
Two people can have similar personalities and go through the same events and traumas, and one will take the high road while the other will take the low road.
 
It seems that there are differences at the soul level. Obviously, someone like the Arizal was born with a particularly lofty soul while others possess a not-as-lofty soul even though it is still a holy one.
 
Certainly, classic Jewish sources discuss the idea of how the right kavanot pull down holy souls for conception. A Jewish couple who come together in genuine love and respect will pull down a higher soul. There are stories of tzaddikim whose kavanot pulled down very special souls into their children.
 
At the same time, our Sages also discuss how certain states pull down blemished souls. A child conceived while the mother is niddah, with a non-Jewish partner or any other forbidden partner, while either parent is angry or fantasizing about someone else or drunk, or if the woman is coerced…any of these will pull down a blemished soul.
 
And what of cases in which we have several generations of Jews conceived in niddah? What kinds of souls are these? And it doesn’t just affect Jews from secular upbringings. FFBs can make mistakes in taharat hamishpacha, or conceive children in any of the forbidden states mentioned above.
 
In other words, there are no guarantees regardless of yichus.
 
Of course, this doesn’t mean that the soul is condemned to lowliness for life. A blemish can certainly be cleaned and purified.
Such a soul simply has more work to do to get it up to par. Tanach and midrashim contain stories of very great people who were conceived in less than ideal circumstances.

A lot of hard and sincere spiritual work can rectify a soul and bring it to its innate full potential.

(As far as I know, the blemish of the mamzer, a child born of an adulterous union between a married woman and her partner, is one that cannot be rectified within the mamzer's lifetime. The state of mamzerut remains and can be passed on through one's children unless certain measures are taken to prevent this.)

I also wonder about conversion, which pulls down a holy Jewish soul where there was once a non-Jewish soul. How does that work? We see that there are converts with mind-boggling dedication to Torah, far beyond that which most born Jews could withstand, such as written about in The Secret Saga of a Righteous Convert.

Yet there are others who are quite tepid in their observance, seemingly trying to hold on to as much of the non-Jewish stuff as they can, or to revert back to their non-Jewish ways when the going gets rough (though most deal somewhere between these two extremes).
 
Some female converts told me that upon going to the Israeli Rabbanut to sort things out before their upcoming marriage, they are shocked to learn of something possibly amiss in their conversion certificate or experience, and are directed to undergo another immersion in the mikveh just to make sure everything is 100% kosher. As odd as it is to go in for a conversion a week or two before your marriage and after you’ve been fully observant and in a very frum seminary for the past few years, such converts also express a feeling of reassurance.

“Because my child’s Judaism will be defined through me,” say the female converts, “it’s essential that my own status be unquestionable.”

And they also relate that they were able to immerse and say the blessing with even more kavanah now that they had learned and experienced even more about Torah Judaism.

So what’s up with that? Did they receive a whole new soul…again? Or was the Jewish soul they originally received upon the first conversion immersion strengthened or re-purified?

Really, I have no clue and I don’t even know where to start looking. But it is interesting!

To make things even more complex and fascinating, parts of more than one soul can bond together to make a new soul comprised of these different souls. (I think this can explain past-life memories that recall copious past lives or remember two different lives occurring within the same time period.)

Furthermore, there are Erev Rav souls and Erev Rav soul-sparks among us.
 
In the Tanya of Lubavitcher chassidus (Igeret Hakodesh, Chapter/Epistle 26), it explains that after Mashiach comes (but before Techiyat Hametim/Resurrection of the Dead), the Jewish souls will merit to taste from the Tree of Life (i.e. the penimiyut of Torah) and thus will automatically know the revealed mitzvot in the same way that Avraham Avinu intuited the revealed mitzvot long before the Torah was actually given on Har Sinai. And because in this state, they will no longer suffer forgetfulness, they’ll have no need to review as we do now. Instead, Jews will occupy themselves with the deeper hidden aspects of Torah.
 
However, the Erev Rav, who will not taste from the Tree of Life, will need to occupy themselves with Mishnah (all the laws deduced from the Torah) in order to weaken the power of the Sitra Achra (the Dark Side, so to speak). Apparently, even after Mashiach comes, the Erev Rav will still be caught up in their inclinations to sin and will need to hold on tight to Torah learning in order to strengthen themselves against the Yetzer Hara—just as regular Jews do now.
 
Rivka Levy’s book Unlocking the Secret of the Erev Rav: The Mixed Multitude in Jewish Kabbalah, goes into this more, but apparently the Erev Rav souls are Jewish, but they’re a few steps behind the souls of a Yisrael—a Jew. So if I understand the Tanya correctly, after Mashiach comes, the Erev Rav will ascend to the level where regular Jews are holding now, and regular Jews will be on the level of Avraham Avinu.
 
May such a time come soon!
 
(You can also find out more about what traditional Jewish sources like the Kli Yakar say about the Erev Rav by clicking on the “Erev Rav” option in the "Categories" section in the sidebar on the mid-to-upper right.)

Anyway, we clearly have a wide variety of souls bobbing around the world right now. Long ago, our Sages predicted that all the souls would need to come down into the world for their final chance at rectification before Mashiach comes and we’re seeing this now.
 
Sometimes, a person’s soul is so lofty, its light shines through all its owner’s grime. You sometimes see secular Jews who behave with greatness and light. You also see struggling or downtrodden frum Jews who seem to have something special to them, like a great soul that hasn’t yet realized its potential.
 
On the other hand, you may also see highly respected Orthodox Jews in important positions, but when you look them in the eye, it’s opaque as if there’s nothing there inside. Or they are surprisingly superficial or shallow (even if they are academically very intelligent or possess sharp administrative skills) or cynical or quarrelsome or snobby.
 
Because of this, we all need to have a lot of patience both with ourselves and others.
 
We don’t know what kind of soul we have and the long road of rectifications necessary for our soul.

We also don’t know what other people are dealing with and what they are meant to be doing.
 
Of course, we know that, for example, every Jew must keep Shabbat. But we don’t know exactly how that is supposed to be expressed for a particular soul.

For example, does this particular soul need:

• …to take out Shabbat at the regular time or the later Rabbeinu Tam time?
• …Shabbat meals that consist of lots of divrei Torah or lots of singing zemirot? Or both?
• Lots of salads or lots of desserts or lots of kugels?
• Heavy on the meat or heavy or the fish or heavy on Cornish hens?
• A dignified formal meal served on fine china or a lively meal eaten from disposable dinnerware?
• Gefilte fish or spicy fish?
• Going all-out for big melaveh malka bash or taking 10 minutes for a piece of chocolate and a hot freshly made cup of coffee?

 
Furthermore, even if we know where someone is supposed to arrive (at mitzvah observance), we don’t know HOW they’re supposed to get there. For example, I’ve known young women who started off their mitzvah observance with Shabbat and learning the laws of lashon hara while still wearing pants. Others started off with Shabbat and wearing long skirts, but only focused on lashon hara later.

This is why it is so important to forge a relationship with Hashem and really discuss your issues with Him in order to get yourself sorted out, and why it is also vitally important to pray for others to do teshuvah from love and to complete their rectifications in this lifetime.

Because there is so much that we just don’t know.

Praying for others works.

If they have souls of Yisrael, then davening for them is a great act of sisterly or brotherly love and helps them to come closer to their soul's potential, which also sweetens harsh judgements and helps bring Mashiach faster.

If they have Erev Rav souls, then davening still helps. The Komarna Rebbe has said that davening for the Erev Rav to do teshuvah actually nullifies their power because the one holy spark that was holding them up gets sucked out (elevated out of them?) and they are rendered totally powerless.
This is described here and more fully in this book You are What You Hate.
(Disclaimer: While I have read many articles on that site, I have not actually read this book, although I would really like to.)

Yet as Unlocking the Secret of the Erev Rav posits, even that's not so simple because the Erev Rav soul-sparks seem to be mixed up within the souls of Yisrael.

So it's best to just use the most powerful weapon we have: heartfelt prayer.

After I quit my last job, I went through a phase where I couldn’t stop reading about personality disorders.
 
And I found it all both helpful and frustrating.
 
The thing is, without Hashem and a spiritual eye, the big picture simply cannot be seen.

(Interestingly, many of those pioneering the subject of personality disorders end up turning to spirituality, to God in some way, because they also saw that the strict rational views just weren't cutting it.)
 
For example, I object to the hair-splicing delineations of personality disorders:
“This one is Narcissist, but she’s a Borderline, yet this one suffers from Histrionic Personality Disorder, oh but THIS must be Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder…”
And so on.
 
You can even find entire discussions and books dedicated to hair-splitting over whether someone is Narcissist or Borderline.
 
Eventually, it became clear to me that the different categories were simply the effects of different personalities reflecting the same disorder.

Unfortunately, the field of mental health tends to depersonalize human beings. Whether people are emotionally healthy or not, we all tend to have different personalities with different skills, talents, strengths, and weaknesses.
 
For example, a more introverted person suffering from personality disorder would express it as “a covert narcissist” or be diagnosed with “Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder.”
 
An extrovert? Narcissist!
 
An emoting, melodramatic extrovert? Histrionic!
 
Furthermore, just the fact that experts realized that men tend to be diagnosed with Narcissist Personality Disorder while women are more likely to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder indicated to me that again, the difference in diagnosis tends to be in its expression.

Women tend to emote more than men, can be moodier, and so on, thus the diagnosis of Borderline in a personality disordered woman. And vice-versa regarding men, who tend to be more aggressive and see themselves as better-looking than they actually are, and so on.
 
In fact, if you look at a list of Borderline indications, it reads like a collection of negative feminine attributes while a list of Narcissist indications reads like a collection of negative masculine attributes.
 
Why? Well, to quote paleontologist Jack Horner: “Scientists have egos. They like to name things.”

So if your mind works that way, then you end up in highly detailed analyses which you then categorize under different labels.

And like anything else, this kind of mind its advantages and disadvantages.
 
But human beings simply don’t fit into these neat little boxes. The human soul is too profound and exalted, much to the frustration of much of the psychiatric and mental health community.
 
People with personality disorders can be:

• highly intelligent or borderline retarded
• math geniuses or renowned painters or bums on the street
• very secular or seem extremely religious
• impulsive flamboyant party animals or uptight disciplined ascetics
• disorganized messy dwellers or maintain picture-perfect homes with a flair for style
• outgoing and friendly or they can be shy and even snobby

The other problem was the language many people used to described Personality Disorders, such as:

• “They fear intimacy, so they can’t let you close.”
• “They just want to manipulate you.”
• “They consider themselves perfect and never wrong, so YOU must be wrong and to blame for everything.”
• “They need to be at the center of everything and control the relationships around them, so that’s why they triangulate.”
• “They fly into a rage when you show them incontrovertible proof of their misdeeds or manipulations because they hate being found out.”
• "They think of themselves as perfect. So if there's something wrong, it must be somebody's else fault."

 
It’s all true, but it’s generally only true on the unconscious level.
 
(Note: There is something labeled as “malignant narcissism,” which isn’t so different than actual sociopathy/psychopathy. Malignant narcissists do tend to be more aware and devious about how they are hurting people, but they still feel they are acting out of some sort of self-defense. They believe that they are somehow victims.)
 
For example, when a PD individual flies into a rage upon being confronted with obvious proof of his dysfunction, he isn’t thinking, “Oh no, I’ve been found out! But I still want to continue being secretly evil! So now I will fly into a rage in order to intimidate my confronter into denial!”
 
Instead, the rage comes instinctively. And this is also why they and their lies are so convincing: They genuinely believe they have been treated unfairly. In their heart of hearts, they believe that you have been mean and that you are actually victimizing them. No joke and no exaggeration.

If you ask a PD individual, "Do you think you're perfect?" They'll likely look taken aback and snap, "Of course not! Nobody's perfect. What do you think I am, a Narcissist?"
 
All the passive-aggressive things they do—and may even do with a smirk—are usually not as intentional as many people like to think. Discomfiting and even hurting people simply feels right to them. It doesn’t feel “evil” or “abusive.”
 
So all this language of “They want, they think, they need” is an imperfect expression of what’s really going on. Because they aren’t actually thinking or consciously wanting or needing anything beyond what they say.
 
Also, speaking this way reinforces the idea that the personality disordered person is aware, devious, and intentional in a way that they usually aren’t. People with personality disorders are infuriating enough to deal with. The situation doesn’t need to be made worse by implying an awareness and conscious effort that simply isn’t there.

(Although if it really is there, then that needs to be dealt with. But usually, it's not.)
 
For example, when personality disordered people start feeling a bond with you after you’ve treated them with kindness and warmth, they don’t think to themselves, “Oh no! I’m starting to feel close to this person! I’m even starting to trust this person! Gosh, that’s way too scary for me to handle! So I guess I’ll just kick her in the face! ANYTHING so as not to be tormented by this threatening feeling of trust and intimacy!”
 
No, they rarely think at all. Or, if they do think about it, it’s not in those terms. Instead, because it feels all wrong and unpleasant, they might start thinking:
“Gosh, this person is such a wimp/so fake/so weird/so pathetic/such a loser.”
And then they might start to consciously calculate how to play mindgames with you. They may even hone in on a flaw you have or something wrong (real or imagined) you did, which makes you a victimizer in their mind and gives them the right to target you.
 
Or not. They might just reflexively do or say something that shoves you away.
 
In addition, personality disorder of any kind is just a diagnosis.
It doesn’t mean it’s true.
It’s basically the view of the person diagnosing you, and who knows if that person is really qualified to judge you?
 
Finally, in my admittedly limited research, the diagnosis does little good.

The PDer is just fed into the victim mentality (“It’s a mental illness and therefore, not my fault”), even as they parrot all the right phrases of healthy accountability while other people (if knowledgeable in personality disorders) either dismiss the person as hopeless  because personality disorders can’t be cured according to psychology OR (if not knowledgeable about personality disorders) innocent people will use the diagnosis to justify and excuse any negative behavior committed by the Narcissist/Borderline/Whatever because “it’s a mental illness, so they can’t help it, so let’s just feel sorry for them and try to be more understanding and accommodating.”
 
So I use the term “personality disorder” or “personality disordered” or “PD” colloquially. For me, it’s a short cut to describe a certain kind of mindset.
And oftentimes, I just say "consistently dysfunctional" or "consistently difficult" or "impossible people" something like that.

Judaism doesn’t use the term “personality disorder.”
 
Yet it does utilize other ideas that are true and more helpful than what specialists will tell you about personality disorders and how to handle them.
 
Chazakah
Chazakah is the idea of doing something 3 times, making it a “chazakah.” You can do this for good behavior. You can ingrain good habits by repeating them consistently. For example, I noticed that if I can force a healthy response 3 times in a row, the formerly bad response breaks. (Yet that third time will be one heck of doozy! So a lot of times, I’ve managed two, then crashed on the third try. But if I do make it, then there’s a nice leap of improvement.) And it’s suddenly easier to respond properly from then onward.
 
Yet the same is true in a negative sense. And Judaism acknowledges this by saying the first time you sin, it feels bad. The second time, you feel it’s permissible. The third time you commit that same sin, it’s already a mitzvah.
 
This is why PDers feel no conscious guilt for their misdeeds. (Even though deep down, they are consumed with shame, which is why they fight against taking any accountability for their bad actions.) It’s a mitzvah! They’re not only right, but righteous!
 
Their auto-responses are deeply, deeply ingrained from years of poor decisions, thought patterns, and actions.
 
Victim Mentality vs. Gratitude
If I genuinely see myself as a victim of your victimization, then that makes me good and innocent while making you evil and cruel. This automatically means that I can use any means at my disposal to stop you and even punish you.
 
This is why the Nazis saw themselves as victims even as they threw newborn babies into bonfires and buried them alive in pits.

This is why the Communists decried the “privileged” status of their “oppressors” even as they starved, tortured, enslaved, and mowed down millions of people—including children.
 
(More is written about Nazis and victimhood in: How Ingratitude Leads to Genocide.)
 
Judaism (Yahadut) literally comes from the word “thanks”: hoda’ah or hodeh. We are all called Yehudim after Leah Imeinu’s fourth son, Yehudah.
 
Our prayers are literally brimming with praise and thanksgiving.
 
We even bless Hashem for the bad stuff (Baruch Dayan Emet—Blessed is the Judge of Truth) and in the future, we will say today's blessing for good (Baruch Hatov v’Hametiv—Blessed is the Good One and the One Who Does Good) over the bad, too.
 
You cannot feel gratitude and victimhood at the same time.
 
If you feel that everything is from Hashem, and that bad people are just agents of Hashem, and that suffering is somehow for your benefit (atonement, a type of cleansing that enables you to experience a truly wonderful Eternal Life, a message, an impetus to improve, etc.), then you will not feel like a victim.
You will not become consumed with rage nor seek revenge.
 
This is why I strongly encourage people (especially myself) to just start thanking Hashem, whether it’s writing down 20 gratitudes a day, or sitting there and telling Hashem what you’re thankful for, or singing piyutim or zemirot to Him from your heart.
 
It doesn’t matter whether you have a personality disorder or not.
 
Just the action of expressing gratitude automatically lifts you to a spiritually healthier place.
 
This is, in fact, what I originally did not understand about Rabbeinu Bachya’s Gate of Self-Accounting. If you look at it, much of it is about contemplating how lucky you are to have what you have and also how lucky you are to not suffer from, say, attacks by wild animals, leprosy, and more.
Very little of it is what we normally think of as "doing teshuvah" or taking stock of oneself.
 
Anyone who actually contemplates what Rabbeinu Bachya advises you to contemplate will automatically become a better person, and a person with stronger emuna and gratitude.
 
You Literally Cannot Trust Anyone Except Hashem. No One Can.
One of the very frustrating aspects of dealing with personality disorders is the helplessness.

Well-meaning people often advise setting boundaries and being assertive, yet this really does NOT work. PDs HATE boundaries on their behavior. Boundaries feel like rejection and assault to PDers. Again, this is instinctive. While adherents of “Just stand your ground and they’ll eventually adjust!” truly believe that if you are clear and consistent with your boundaries for long enough, the PDer will eventually give in…this just isn’t true. Every time you set a boundary, no matter how gently and diplomatically, they’ll fight it in some way because they feel like they’re being slapped. They need to protect themselves, either by fighting, avenging, or distancing (withholding, stonewalling, slandering you quietly behind your back, etc.).
 
I personally saw people who considered themselves very strong, assertive, consistent, and “I don’t put up with slop from anyone” get their legs chopped out from under them by PDers. True, the PDers didn’t confront them head on, but set things up to damage the person’s career while appearing oh-so helpful! Or they started quietly stonewalling and withholding. And all the time, the assertive and consistent person felt like their method was working because they never realized they were under attack.
 
Also, if any kind of closeness or intimacy genuinely feels bad, wrong, uncomfortable, or threatening to them…then what can you ever do about it?
If someone said to you, “The only way we can have a good marriage/positive working relationship/healthy friendship is if you walk on nails with your bare feet,” would you do it? Would you be ABLE to do it, even if you desperately wanted a good marriage/positive working relationship/healthy friendship?
No, of course not.
(This why love and patience never heals personality disorders.)
 
Furthermore, as I wrote The Secret to Judging Favorably, no human being can be perfectly trustworthy. We simply don’t have the power. Gate of Trust in Duties of the Heart details a list of qualities necessary in order to truly trust and rely on someone, and Rabbeinu Bachya makes it clear that human beings simply do not have such capabilities.

Only Hashem does.
 
So trying to “love” personality disordered people into good mental health is tinged with unconscious gaava (pride). Yes, it’s also mixed with the good intentions emanating from your soul, a sincere soul desire to heal and bond with your fellow Jew.

But only Hashem can fulfill the personality disordered person’s (or any person’s) physical and emotional needs.

Not you and not me.
 
Tefillah: The ONLY Effective Response
I remember whenever I would hear about the Times of Mashiach, people also mentioned all the bad things that would happen. And they attributed many problems nowadays (marital problems, child-rearing hardships, social upheaval, chronic or fatal illnesses) to this being Times of Mashiach.
 
And for a long time, I didn’t understand why. Is Hashem just a Big Meanie, chas v’shalom? What’s the point of all that emotional, social, and physical upheaval?
 
The thing is, when nothing else works, people tend to turn to Hashem.
 
And our generation is particularly stiff-necked about doing so. (And I used to be very stiff-necked about this and still struggle with this, even though I’ve gotten better.) Even many in the frum community prefer professional consultations with experts, medication (anti-depressants, sedatives, etc.), material feel-good measures (“You just need a new custom shaitel and a stunning makeover!”), escapism (workaholism or vacations), constant outpourings “to get it off my chest” to friends, spouses, family members, and so on, to sitting and doing a cheshbon hanefesh or talking stuff out with Hashem.
 
(NOTE: Please don’t assume that I’m above indulging in some of the above. Also, I personally have no problem with anyone indulging in the occasional consultation, pill, cigarette, makeover, new outfit “just because,” vacation, career, or heart-to-heart talk, etc. To me, it’s not different than taking Advil for a headache.
But the point is: Repeatedly turning to the above as a crutch to ignore Hashem is a problem. That's all.)
 
And I really believe that the very impossibility, incurability, and indefinability of personality disorders is to get us to turn to Hashem.

I personally have seen improvement in impossible people who were passionately prayed for.
 
Again, I’m glad I read all the literature because the observations and elucidations were helpful and validating. However, the answers are (as usual) within Torah literature.

In Duties of the Heart, Gate of Trust: Chapter 4, Rabbeinu Bachya compares our reliance on others to a farmer’s reliance on his field.
 
The tending and sowing of a plot of land is the farmer's hishtadlut (making an effort) toward obtaining food (including selling the excess at the market for even more income).
 
Therefore, if Hashem wishes to allow this hishtadlut as the way for the farmer to obtain his needs, then Hashem will sprout the seeds, increasing their growth and multiplying them according to His Calculations.
 
And should the farmer thank the land for this?

No, he should thank Hashem.
 
In fact, we even say blessings before eating, many of which recall this land-growing process:

• “Blessed be You…Who brings forth bread from the land.”
• “Blessed be You…Creator of the fruit of the vine.”
• “Blessed be You…Creator of the fruit of the tree.”
• “Blessed be You…Creator of the fruit of the earth.”

 
In contrast, if Hashem wills the farmer to go through a time of austerity or if He wills the farmer to receive his sustenance from a totally different source, then despite the farmer’s best efforts, the land either does not bring forth a harvest or its crops are somehow destroyed (gophers, invading armies, tornadoes, drought, flooding, etc.).
 
Does the farmer blame the land or the seeds for not doing their job? No.
 
(Although if you’ve ever kicked your car or vacuum cleaner or washing machine out of frustration, you might also be the type of person to start chewing out your tomato seeds for not “behaving” properly. But aside from these kinds of occasional outbursts, a rational person knows that it is not the fault of the thing and that accusations, yelling, revenge, cursing, slandering the uncooperative soil and seeds to your neighbors, or hiring a real shark of a lawyer to wring the dirt or seeds through the justice system.)
 
The commentaries Pas Lechem and Tov Halevanon both emphasize that we should realize that other people are only intermediaries for us, just as a plot of land is only an intermediary. And that furthermore, seeing as human beings are cognizant beings created in God’s Image, they still should be thanked for their efforts simply because those helpful people were designated by Hashem to be His agents in meeting your needs.

And showing them proper gratitude is like showing Hashem proper gratitude.

It’s very easy to get caught up in relying on other people.
 
Some people are bumblers, some are lazy, some are experienced and energetic.
 
And because, for better or for worse, many people are so intentional about what they do (whether it’s chessed or harm), it’s easy to get lost in the illusions of This World.
 
 But if we focus on other people as intermediaries, then a lot of the stress and desperation eases and we gain balance and yishuv hadaat.

Instead of turning our efforts to wrangling with other people, chasing after them, or emoting at them or about them, this knowledge helps us channel all our hopes and energies toward Hashem.
 
(And as always, Hashem is NOT looking for perfection here, but sincere attempts - however bumbling - in the right direction.)
 
May all your “fields” reap bountiful harvests.

Over the years, I've learned to dread Tammuz and Av.

But I'm trying to view them as the opportunities they actually are, and not as the obstacles and frustration they end up feeling like.

A while back, I wrote a post describing my experiences in Tammuz and explaining the astrological effects based on the Kli Yakar:
How to Fight the Crabby Mazal of Tammuz

Later, the Kli Yakar mentions the effect of Av: the Lion.

Lions tend to savage their prey, which is why hatred and other person-to-person sins came to a head with the Destructions of both Temples on the 9th of Av.

And while we don't justify or excuse bad behavior, we can at least find a merit for people if they start acting wonky in Tammuz and Av:
"Oh, they're not innately awful. It's just that they're having a hard time warding off the influence of Tammuz and Av."

And even though the Gemara tells us that astrological effects do not decide a Jew's destiny, the effects are clearly there.

So what's going on?

And what are we supposed to do?
(Hint: The answer to this particular question is partly answered in the link above.)

The mazal of Tammuz influences a person to start moving backwards or sideways, just like a crab.

This means that in Tammuz, you need to push yourself harder just to maintain equilibrium.


Picture yourself strolling down a sunlit path with a gentle breeze on your back.

Now picture yourself marching down an overcast path with hurricane-force winds at your face.

You need to brace yourself and push a lot harder to keep going forward, right?

That's Tammuz.

The fun part of it is that when the hurricane-force winds suddenly stop in Elul, all your pushback ends up flinging your forward, spiritually speaking, into the loving arms of Elul.
Elul stands for "Ani L'Dodi V'Dodi Li - I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine."
(The acronym is clearer in Hebrew: אלול - אני לדודי ודודי לי )

Anyway, the same idea holds true for Av.

As the Kli Yakar explains in Parshat Devarim:

If in Av you feel like ripping someone apart, give yourself the benefit of the doubt and recognize that it's likely the influence of Av working on you (and not that you are an Godless raging bull of a person) and then do something to counteract those lion-esque tendencies:

• Talk to Hashem about your feelings
• Search for a good point in that person and mention it to Hashem
• Pray for that person to do teshuvah from love
• Pray for yourself
• Actively do chessed
• Go out of your way to help others (doesn't matter how small the help is; even letting a car in front of you or not careening toward that ideal parking spot while cursing under your breath when you see another car going for the same spot makes a huge difference, spiritually speaking)
• Go out of your way to speak pleasantly or at least courteously in even the most trying situations.
• Thank God for the situation, knowing that it's from Him and somehow good.
• Whatever else you can think of

By the time Av ends and Elul begins, you'll automatically be in a higher place than you would be otherwise.

Elul is a time that is very welcoming toward and conducive for teshuvah and self-improvement, and sweetening judgements and decrees.

So the very frustrations and challenges of Tammuz and Av are actually the perfect preparation for Elul.

Wishing us all a lot of bracha (blessing) and hatzlacha (success)!

One of the more difficult aspects of striving to be a spiritual God-oriented person is the concept of Heavenly punishment.
 
The Torah emphasizes repeatedly that Hashem is full of chessed/loving-kindness, He is unimaginably Forgiving and Patient, Slow to Anger, Infinitely Merciful and Compassionate, and only does good.
 
But the Torah also mentions punishment. And we certainly see in our own lives events that are clearly not rewards, but events which are painful and distressing. At such times, we certainly feel “punished.”
 
Yet even in those times, we are meant to understand those events as somehow beneficial and the act of a loving Creator.
 
Yes, it’s challenging.
 
Yes, it’s a paradox.
 
And to complicate things, if you were raised by punitive parents or teachers or other authority figures, if you’ve slaved under a punitive boss or married a punitive spouse, or invested in friendships with punitive and manipulative people, your concept of negative-yet-loving-consequences may have been warped and twisted into something very ugly.
 
You may have rarely or even never seen an example of “loving” punishment.
 
So how can you internalize a concept which you can’t even imagine?
 
It takes work, no doubt about it.
 
And if God put you in that kind of a dynamic in this lifetime, it’s one of the things you’re meant to work on for the good of your own holy soul. It’s like a muscle that needs to be worked in order for that muscle to bulk up and strengthen.
 
But God wouldn’t have put you in this situation if you couldn’t do it. This means that no matter how much resistance, despair, or resentment you may (or may not) feel about this matter, you definitely possess the ability to do it.

Perhaps it’s helpful to read what the great tzaddik and mekubal, Rav Yehudah Fetiyah, wrote about it. In his book, Minchat Yehudah, he spoke directly to one of the angelic officials appointed over a particularly sullied soul suffering in the dreaded Kaf Hakelah.
 
While many people think very simplistically about the Afterlife—just Heaven or Hell, with maybe Purgatory—Judaism teaches us that it is a varied and complex place of many levels. In Hashem’s Great Love for us, He wants us all to enter Gan Eden (Heaven), but our deeds in This World may prevent that from happening. Therefore, various “cleansing” situations exist to allow a soul to reach the state in which it can finally enter Gan Eden.
 
Some “cleansing” examples are:

• Reincarnation (as humans, animals, plantlife, or rocks)
• Wandering around the world not even knowing one is dead (an example of this is given in Words of Faith by Rabbi Levi Yitzchak Bender)
• Kaf Hakelah (“The Slingshot,” whereby a soul is chased around by angelic officials appointed over it, and they chase and strike him with fiery whips, and the soul can only find refuge by invading a body, like a person or even an animal)
• Gehinnom (Hell, of which there are many levels and types)
• Other freaky situations

 
There are also different levels of the paradise of Gan Eden.
 
Even though I just listed a whole bunch of stuff based on what I’ve read, I don’t claim to actually understand what all this means. Living in this 3-dimensional world is very limiting and the above take place in other dimensions, i.e. non-physical.
 
For example, in a conversation with an angelic official named Yosef (who was one of the angels appointed to chase souls around with a fiery implement in Kaf Hakelah), Yosef described his angelic race and its characteristics as follows:

Furthermore, when Rav Fetiyah asked Yosef to show himself, the angel declined, saying:

Clearly, this is not a 3-dimensional being.

Later, Rav Fetiyah describes the question and answer session he had with the angelic official named Yosef (emphases mine-MR):

Again, this is very good news for all of us.
 
God doesn’t want us to suffer. God and His Heavenly Agents aren’t sadistic or punitive. In fact, even these angelic officials appointed to the role of striking the sullied soul with a fiery implement aren’t doing so out of free will or emotion. As Yosef describes above, the implement appears and then the hand of the angelic official operates on its own, apparently according to the dictates Above and what is necessary to cleanse that soul.
 
God WANTS us to do teshuvah!
 
And yes, teshuvah can be very painful (though not as painful as Kaf Hakelah and all the above).

So...what if you discover an aspect of yourself that is shameful or disgusting? What if you’ve been in deep denial of your motives or the harm you’ve been causing all this time?
Without getting too personal, I’ve definitely discovered things about myself that made me cringe.

But you also have really beautiful and wonderful aspects, too, so don’t get bogged down in shame or self-hatred.

It’s very comforting and important to realize that GOD ALREADY KNOWS ALL YOUR FILTHY ROTTEN POINTS. You’re not really hiding anything…except from yourself.

So just purge it out to Hashem.

Even if you discover that you’ve had a terrible case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder since your teens, that’s okay. You might have a lot of amends to make, but believe me, you likely didn’t do anything as bad as Shabtai Tzvi nor any of the people mentioned in Parts I & II.

(I didn’t even post the really bad things they did because they were so disturbing and unmentionable. What is described in those posts are the milder transgressions mentioned in the book, and as you can see yourself, those were already pretty extreme.)
 
So just find a private place to sit with God and say something like:
“Thank you for being so Compassionate and Accepting, Hashem. I’m ashamed to admit that I actually enjoyed torturing that ladybug to death in my flashlight. That shows sadistic tendencies, right? Well, I’m very sorry about that. Please help me overcome them. Thanks!”
 
Or here’s one that I really wish a lot of people would do ;) :
“Thanks for being You, Hashem, and for gifting us with the opportunity to do teshuvah. Um, if I’m being really honest, I think I kind of enjoy shooting nasty little barbs at people and justifying that passive-aggressive behavior by pretending that those targeted somehow deserve it. I’m really sorry. Please help me change. Please help me become more compassionate, empathetic, and filled with emuna. And please imbue me with the courage and humility to apologize to whomever I need to apologize. Thanks!”
 
Yes, the shame and discomfort can really burn.
 
But better to burn a little now than to burn a lot later!

Fall back to Part I
Spring forward to Part III

Rav Fatiyah was an incredibly compassionate and loving person.

Here's just one of example of his tenderness and holiness:

Katun went on to describe her great suffering from this verbally and emotionally abusive aunt and how Katun could not say a word in her defense or to stop the abuse for fear of being thrown out on the street. One night, during an episode of profuse weeping over her awful fate, Katun says:

Katun then described physical and audial sensations she experienced from then on, which robbed her of her sleep. She suffered this way until her mother returned around a year later and immediately sought help for her daughter.

[Note: I could not find a translation for plil, but I’m assuming it some sort of exorciser or someone who utilizes the forces of impurity to “help” others.—MR]  

Rav Fetiyah was very moved by Katun’s suffering. He said:

Anyway, far from being possessed by "a very strong Christian demon," poor Katun was actually possessed by a very tough Jewish spirit name Roza, who’d sinned quite a lot with a particular boy before she died. In fact, it took Rav Fetiyah an entire year just to get Roza to admit her name and to expel her from Katun took even longer with a lot of struggle.
 
Eventually, Katun got married in Iran and Roza left her then.
 
But it wasn’t just Rav Fetiyah’s compassion toward Katun that touched me. Any normal person would feel the same toward such a poor, innocent girl. It was that Rav Fetiyah insisted on helping Roza to rectify herself so that she could escape the terrible torments of Kaf Hakelah.
 
And just as a side note:
In the stories of spirit possession, the opening for the spirit is usually made by a transgression on the part of the host. In Katun’s case, no sin is apparent. Even Roza herself admitted that was why she needed to fight so much to enter into Katun's body; Katun hadn’t sinned. However, Katun became possessed while in a state of despondency and bitterness.
Having myself been caught up in states of despondency and bitterness, I certainly don’t blame her and neither does Rav Fetiyah, but it certainly is something to consider…

It's also noteworthy to see that praying sincerely from the heart in a holy place (the gravesite of Yehoshuah the Kohen Gadol) brought Katun to the right agent of salvation.
 
The fact that Rav Fetiyah really wanted to help these lost souls, despite the fact that some of them had behaved horribly when alive and some even continued to do truly depraved and awful things while dead! (I know, this is so weird.) Yet he had so much compassion on them. He even assisted souls such as Shabtai Tzvi and others to achieve rectification.
 
Believe me, after reading some of the reprehensible events here, I would not care about some of these souls. I’d say, Let ’em burn! But after reading Rav Fetiyah’s example, I see that I’m very wrong.
 
We need to help people get better and praying for them is the best (and sometimes only) way.
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Here is a conversation between one spirit and Rav Fetiyah, who displays astounding humility:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
In fact, when dealing with the notorious Shabtai Tzvi, Rav Fetiyah said:

If his soul was “part of the Godliness Above” and “shines like a pearl,” then what about ours, which is surely not nearly as sullied as his?
__________
 
I feel like it’s very helpful to read about tzaddikim in their own words, as was also done in the post: The Secret Saga of a Righteous Convert as Told by a True Tzaddik.
 
When we see the world through the eyes of tzaddikim, we get the truth.

We also get a lot of love and compassion, because that is where true tzaddikim are coming from.
 
And even if we can’t be like them, allowing ourselves to be influenced by their viewpoint and attitudes enables us to be a little bit better than we were before.

The potential within each of us is definitely there.

Fall back to Part I
Spring forward to Part III