In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah for Parshat Vayetzei: Yaakov's Ladder, Rav Miller emphasizes that the dynamics of Yaakov Avinu's life reflect the journey of every individual Jew.

Ma'asei avot siman l'banim—What happened to our holy forefathers stands as a portent for what will happen to us.

Often discussed on a national level, Rav Miller now brings it down to the personal individual level.

​​As Rav Miller notes on page 4:

One of the first major lessons presented in this parshah is the ladder in Yaakov's historical dream.

​Rav Miller emphasizes that the ladder represents our goal of constant upward motion: We must strive to reach Hashem.

Ladders aren't places to hang out and shmooze while playing poker. (The rungs don't make for comfortable seating, nor do they facilitate card games.)

Ladders represent a way to get from one place to another—in this case, UP.

​Secondly...why davka a ladder?

Why doesn't Hashem give us wings so we can fly up?

Or a magic carpet, so we can comfortably soar up to our spiritual apex?

Or a rocket? Then we can arrive at our holy destination all the faster.

But no.

Hashem WANTS us to climb.

Step by step, rung by rung—with lots of effort!

And repetition!

A ladder means you make the same movements again and again.

And that, says Rav Miller, looms as a primary lesson of Yaakov's history-making ladder.

Rav Miller cautions us not to fear our initial feelings of hypocrisy.

When starting out on a new step of our spiritual journey, we often feel uncomfortable or fake.

With those newly observant to Judaism, a transition period exists in which the new baal teshuvah is basically a secular person who increasingly does mitzvot before he transitions into a frum person who sometimes stumbles in aveirot (transgressions).

​That's an entirely natural part of becoming frum.

Yet any person who takes on a new uplifting act or thought pattern experiences a similar dynamic, whether the person is FFB from a chashuv family or a newly-minted baal teshuvah.

We feel awkward & insincere.

Kol hahatchalot kashot—All beginnings are hard.

It takes time to get your foothold & find your rhythm.

It takes time to adapt to the new you and your new shell.

And despite the fumbling awkwardness of it all, take pleasure in the fact that you are doing something fabulous.  

In his wonderfully witty way, Rav Miller clarifies the difference between emunah sichlit (intellectual belief) and real internalized emunah (page 6):

We want real emunah.

And for that we need to go back to our ladder.

Sometimes, you manage to stretch yourself up 2 or 3 rungs at a time. 

But mostly, expect repetitive climbing step by step.

And, starting at the bottom of page 6, Rav Miller offers us a few different programs for climbing that ladder.

Program #1
​Talk to Hashem for 1 minute each day.

​It's good to read pages 7-8 because Rav Miller offers delicious advice on how to do this program if you're not sure how to start or if you get stuck.

Intriguingly, Rav Miller advises you to pause in this 1-minute practice after a month, and then start up again.

He likens it to stopping for a rest in the middle of your climb.

Why?

Because even this 1 minute of holy conversation can start to feel routine and then you find yourself going through the motions, rather than keeping it meaningful.

Program #2
Recognize everything around you as the Hand of Hashem.

On pages 10-14, Rav Miller offers compelling ideas & descriptions to initiate this recognition.

Also, Rav Miller notes that you can follow Program #2 while you follow Program #1.

They complement each other.

Program #3
​Do things l'Shem Shamayim (for the sake of Heaven).

​Again, Rav Miller offers lots of solid direction & compelling examples on pages 15-19 for how to accomplish this.

You do this for the seemingly mundane stuff in life, like going to work, dealing with a customer, serving supper, washing a dish, bathing a child, eating lunch, sleeping, and so on.

​Having said all, that Rav Miller cautions us with the following (page 18):

While you climb your ladder, Rav Miller encourages us to keep in mind the following:

1. Don't tell others about your involvement in these programs. (They often discourage you. For more on that, please see page 8.)
2. Don't get discouraged. (page 19)
3. Hashem is waiting for you at the top of the ladder. (pages 19-21) 

May Hashem shower us all with much bracha & hatzlacha in our climb.

Someone asked me to write an article on codependence, and include the Jewish view on it.

That always means an interesting process because, as we know, Chazal never uses modern terms like "codependence," so one must figure out the terms Chazal uses to describe this dynamic.

And as far as I know (which is admittedly not as much as I'd like), neither the Torah nor Chazal describe this dynamic the way we do.

However, copious sources exist on dealing with difficult people & one's own faulty middot—which are the main cause of codependence.

Furthermore, a prime example of living with a dysfunctional person while retaining personal spiritual & mental health occurs in Parshat Vayetzei with Lavan as the appallingly dysfunctional person and Yaakov as the spiritual victor.

But first, let's backtrack a bit to the modern idea of codependence.

In a nutshell, codependency means you rely on another person for your self-worth & self-image, which causes you to try to control their behavior in some way.

This can be manipulative at worst or an attempt at self-protection at best.

Some signs of co-dependency are:

• Taking responsibility for another person's actions.
• Worrying about or incurring the consequences for the problems of others.
• Covering up to protect others from the results of their poor choices.
• Doing more than is required at your job or at home to earn approval.
• Difficulty making decisions in a relationship.
• Difficulty identifying your feelings.
• Difficulty communicating in a relationship.
• Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself.
• Lacking trust in yourself and suffering poor self-esteem.

Psychologists often advise co-dependents to:

• Establish boundaries in relationships.
• Resist the urge to fix, control, or save the other person. 
• Prioritize your own inner growth.

Like a lot of other pop psychology, codependency is nothing new for me because it reached mainstream popularity when I was in high school. 

Friends in therapy or support groups (like Alateen for the teenage children of alcoholic parents) discussed it frequently.

Girls would "helpfully" tell each other, "That is sooo co-dependent."

But if you come from another culture or generation, codependency might seem like a really cool chiddush to you.

So please just keep in mind while I discuss it, that you & I may come from very different perspectives regarding this.

And just to be upfront, I've always rejected certain aspects of codependency since I first heard about it, never fully accepting those aspects of its philosophy. (Partially? Yes. Wholly? No.)

​For example, the idea that your behavior is YOUR problem?

"It ain't mine and I don't need to own it or fix it."

Yes, that works well in many situations.

It's definitely worth trying. It can be a huge help in getting you to take a step back and change your less-than-healthy behaviors.

But I could never accept this completely because it simply is not true in many situations.

​For example, if someone frequently yells at you (which causes a very real & measurable physiological effect on the human target of the yelling), yells at your children, lies, omits vital information, sabotages you, or a range of other harmful behaviors...you better believe it DOES become your problem.

Some behaviors are literally intolerable...yet you cannot get away from the person (or at least, not immediately).

A friend of mine married to a mentally ill man once commented that a lot of coping behaviors are labeled as codependent, but really they're not, because the dysfunctional person doesn't leave you with much choice in practical coping.

​This is true.

Furthermore, I noticed a fuzzy fine line between making sure the other person's ball stays in the other person's court, and trying to control their behavior.

Where is the line between enforcing your stated boundaries and controlling the other person's behavior?

​Very fuzzy.

This can actually make a person feel worse & ironically lower their self-esteem even more as they feel like a failure for constantly falling back into codependent behaviors (which may not be codependent; instead, their response might show good sense, depending on their situation).

​Finally, I ran across an article by a psychologist who stated that many people are labeled as codependents, but they're really not.

​They're stuck in extraordinarily difficult situations and are coping as best they can with abysmally limited options. Their behaviors actually show good sense within their context.

​It all depends.

Basically, the psychologist rejected the idea of codependency as an overall catch-all philosophy. Thank God.

​Let's look again at a key idea in codependency treatment: "Your behavior is YOUR problem, not mine."

Again, an excellent attitude in some situations, but confusing in other situations.

For example, when my frum friend's husband decided to buy all sorts of things forbidden by their children's school (AFTER my friend already signed the forms for the school promising not to expose their children to such things—values with which she personally agreed)...is that not her problem?

Is it not her problem that her signature appears on an agreement that is being violated?

And will it not be her problem if classmates' parents or teachers call HER demanding to know why her children are doing/saying certain things clearly forbidden by the school?

And the fact that she absolutely does not want her children engaging in such activities—is that not her problem? Does it not deeply hurt her to see them doing things she does not want them to do?

And will she not suffer the repercussions of her children living a life against her values & in opposition to how she personally chooses to raise them?

​Another example:
With dysfunctional husbands, one of their favorite pastimes (whether consciously intended or done instinctively) is to disturb their wife's sleep. (I've seen this repeatedly as a common thread with abusive husbands, regardless of the type of abuse & regardless of culture or religious background, etc. It's universal, as far as I can tell. And it's particularly problematic when she has a baby or ill children who also wake her up at night.)

So...if you cannot get the basic sleep you need, is this not your problem?

If you suffer the very real physiological effects of sleep deprivation, is that not YOUR problem?

If you go through the day as a confused slow-response zombie, is that not YOUR problem?

It is certainly not the problem of the person who deprived you of sleep.

​Generally, that person simply either leaves the home to avoid dealing with anything or yells at & criticizes his frazzled zombie wife for not functioning properly. Or yells at the kids too, maybe even also yelling about how incompetent he thinks their sleep-deprived mother is.

(He also finds a way to take a nap to remedy his own lack of sleep. And there's heck to pay if his family doesn't accommodate him.)

Such behavior gratifies his ego on some level.

​Either way, it's definitely not HIS problem, only hers.

This brings us to the next "cure" for codependency: setting healthy boundaries.

Again, this is a very good idea.

Even just being aware of the need for boundaries can initiate a positive change in one's thought patterns & behaviors.

However, many dysfunctional people do not give a darn about boundaries.

Setting healthy boundaries in a "calm, yet firm" manner can set off unhealthy people, making them behave much worse.

And sticking to your guns throughout their tirades doesn't always work either. 

Sometimes it does. But sometimes it doesn't.

Why?

Reason #1: Most unhealthy people see themselves as victims.

(A real psychopath generally doesn't, but most other abusive people do.)

One of the most extreme examples of this is Rudolf Höss, yemach shemo, the commandant of Auschwitz.

When he first received orders from the big Nazi fuhrer yemach shemo to create an extermination camp, he considered the orders both "extraordinary" and "monstrous."

Upon being forced to witness the flogging of a prisoner accused of stealing cigarettes, Höss yemach shemo, said that he was indeed forced as he did not want to watch. The flogging and the victim's screaming made the Auschwitz commandant "go hot and cold all over" and also made him "shudder."

He also put a halt to the random tortures & executions carried out by the Nazi security personnel in Auschwitz's early years. ("Purposeful" tortures & executions were okay, but he despised "senseless" brutality.)

​Astonishingly, he considered himself more "sensitive" than average—something he tried to disguise with a cool exterior. (I guess that compared to the other Nazi sadists, the fact that he didn't actively enjoy torture & murder made him feel himself more sensitive.)

Furthermore, the horrific suffering & slaughter of Jewish children in the death camps disturbed him greatly. He said the murder of the Jewish children made him "weak-kneed" and he found it all extremely "distasteful."

Yet he felt it a necessary evil because the Jews were a menace to mankind and the Aryan German people in particular were the victims of this "menace."

​He justified his actions by explaining how he'd been brought up to believe that the persecution of Jews was a form of "pest control."

So despite his "distaste" of the "monstrous" slaughter committed against children & babies at Auschwitz, he gave his full support to this genocide because of his conviction that he & the German people were victims of "pests."

Overall, Mr. Sensitive commandeered the slaughter of around 2 million people.

(A lot of dysfunctional, abusive people see themselves as sensitive souls who are vulnerable & easily victimized. Again, that's how they permit themselves such abusive behavior: They see it as self-defense or out of their control. Having said that, there are truly sensitive people who are sensitive in a good way.)

Reason #2: Dysfunctional people aren't stupid. They also don't give a darn about your oh-so calmly yet firmly stated boundaries or your heroic display of emotional maturity.

Sure, some dysfunctional people are pretty dumb. But many aren't.

And when you start your whole boundary-making thing, they see exactly what you are doing and...guess what? It makes them ANGRY.

They feel HURT. And RESENTFUL.

They easily decide to take their resentment & hurt out on you, including a lashon hara campaign and other forms of vengeance. If you work for or with them, you may find yourself out of a job or affected in some other extremely unpleasant way.

(But hey, that's not your problem, right?)

Even if they don't feel hurt and angry, they do feel contemptuous.

Or confused: Boundaries? What are those? What's happening? Have I entered the twilight zone? 

Or simply apathetic. After all, what can you possibly do to enforce your boundaries? And why should they care?

Practically speaking, what can you really do to stop them?
​
They can stride right over your boundaries. And they do!

It reminds of a scene in a movie in which a martial arts champion comes at his opponent on the street, displaying fancy footwork and lethal karate moves...and then his opponent whips out a gun and shoots him dead on the spot.

So much for all those fancy moves & years of honing the necessary skills.

Bang! He's dead.

Anyway...in the above example of sleep deprivation, is there any way to stop a husband from depriving his wife of sleep?

No. Only if he chooses to stop.

And the really dysfunctional ones don't. They continue no matter what the consequences.

Another example—a really common example:
​
Try telling such a person something like, "I will be ready to discuss this with you when you are ready to discuss this without insults or yelling."

Guess what? They don't care.

Try leaving the room to "enforce your boundary."

Guess what? They can follow you...and they do! (Often growing louder & nastier as they go.)

Furthermore, a lot of dysfunctional people ENJOY yelling and insulting. Your resistance (which they see as rebellion or fighting fire with fire) makes them feel like now they have a right to continue with their yells and insults. 

Or, they stop that behavior at that moment, but engage in another distressing behavior at another time. (BTW, that sneaky delayed "Gotcha!" ambush response is VERY common with these types. They do it in marriage, friendships, family, work, neighbors—it's very stressful.) 

They see it as a power struggle and feel they must win.

​They're wrong, but that's how they see it.

So...there you have it with the ol' boundary-setting technique. (For some people, anyway. Again, the above techniques DO work with SOME people.)

And guess what? Even court orders have failed those they were meant to protect.

Sometimes an ignored court order ends in the death of the person the court order meant to protect.

(Is that the victim's problem yet? Or is being murdered in your own home also a codependent behavior?)

So short of punching or shooting these personal boundary-trespassers (which will bring even more unwanted unpleasant consequences), you cannot stop them from behaving however they please—IF they are determined to do so.

Final example:
I once knew a woman who was unusually awful. Throughout my life, I've very rarely met someone as sociopathic as she. She fully enjoyed hurting others, she KNEW she hurt others, and she MEANT to do so.

She never even used the excuse of being a victim. She also never disguised her heartfelt enjoyment of another's pain.

Full awareness of with no shame whatsoever.

One of her favorite victims was her younger sister, whom she continued to torment into their forties.

(And before anyone starts boo-hooing over the psychopathic woman's childhood, please know that she suffered no abuse. The only factor I ever noted was her weak & easily manipulated mother. Spoiling & indulging children can cause serious dysfunction. In fact, studies on narcissist personality disorder show that excessive praise & overvaluing a child can cause NPD. You don't hear much about the dangers of spoiling children in pop psychology, but I've personally seen it & it's pretty ugly.)

Anyway, her younger sister had been attending therapy and was very committed to avoiding codependent behaviors. She did her best to set boundaries and not make her psychopathic sister's problems her problems.

But, as stated, dysfunctional people don't give a darn about boundaries.

At the wedding of their niece, for example, the psychopathic sister physically leaned her entire body on her younger sister, her arm hugging her shoulders, and her hand cupped over her suffering sister's ear as she whispered derisive comments throughout the ENTIRE ceremony.

Like, an hour.

The suffering sister did her best to look straight ahead and ignore the psycho sister, to focus on the wedding and completely ignore her psycho sister's behavior. I noticed the suffering sister also did her best to keep her face stoic and not look pained.

Good for her. 

Yet her heroic efforts did nothing to stop or even weaken the psycho sister.

The psycho sister KNEW she caused pain to her younger sister, regardless of the lack of response. And that sadistic awareness what gave her all the gratification she needed.

The psycho sister wasn't even embarrassed, despite the fact that the ugly dynamic was so obvious to anyone who glanced at them. (A tall tanned woman, she looked like a giant brunette leech attached to her painfully stoic sister.) 

The psycho sister lacked shame, partly because she lacked a conscience. But also partly because she was fabulously wealthy and secular while most of the attendees were frum & not fabulously wealthy, and she disdained frum people & people who made less money than she.

So she did not care what onlookers thought any more than she cared what an audience of grasshoppers would think.

​Therefore, I felt so much appreciation when the movement to deal with NPD popped up.

Finally, someone acknowledged that setting boundaries sometimes either incites vengeance—or the dysfunctional person simply disregards the boundaries.

But then they introduced the low-contact or no-contact methods. And like with the codependency methods, these methods can work and work really well. But not always. And sometimes these methods do more harm than good. Or sometimes low-contact or no-contact is impossible (like if you live with them or share custody of children together or work for/with them, etc.).

​So in summary:

• Techniques to overcome codependency CAN be VERY helpful.

 

• If codependency applies to your situation, you should try the techniques.

 

• Standing up to bullies can work—and even earn you their respect & loyalty.

 

• Even just the act of thinking about boundaries or whose problem it is can cause a positive mental shift.

 

• If these anti-codependency methods work, then...great! Hashem revealed them for a reason. If they work, continue to use them!

 

• However, these techniques fail in many situations, leaving people feeling bad about themselves. 

 

• Many people simply cannot develop the thick enough skin necessary to fully uphold the anti-codependency techniques.

 

• Many people struggle to switch between detaching in an unhealthy situation & then attaching in a healthy situation, particularly when the situations occur close together. People aren't electrical circuits that can flip themselves on & off at will. 

 

• Some situations leave very little room for choice. Feel good about whatever mental & spiritual health you manage to accomplish.

So this sums up my views on codependency as far as pop psychology goes:

The field of codependency contains a lot of beneficial stuff, but it also suffers from some very real structural weaknesses.

Now, let's continue on to what Judaism says about dealing with dysfunctional people.

As mentioned at the beginning of the post, the situation between Yaakov Avinu & Lavan is a prototype for dealing with really awful people.

In fact, many frum psychologists have both written & spoken about Yaakov Avinu's techniques and what we can learn from them.

So first of all, it needs to be clear that we cannot look at Yaakov Avinu's response to Lavan without the uncompromising knowledge that Yaakov Avinu was a man of emunah.

His actions cannot be removed from that spiritual context.

​Yaakov Avinu maintained constant awareness that everything was Divinely orchestrated.

And that's the real example to follow.

So, for example, Yaakov Avinu set healthy boundaries with Lavan.

He calmly yet firmly asserted his insistence on marrying Rachel Imeinu.

Yet when he awoke the morning after his first wedding and saw Leah Imeinu instead of Rachel, did he say, "Whoa, wrong wife! Well, that's not MY problem!"?

Did he enforce his personal boundaries? (i.e., "I'm divorcing you, Leah. Lavan, I'm giving Leah a get. I worked 7 years for Rachel and that's that.")

Not in the way we think.

He remained married to Leah & related to her as an ideal husband.

Yet he didn't give up on Rachel and instead agreed to work ANOTHER 7 years—something most of us would consider exploitative.

​Regardless of the circumstances, Yaakov always behaved with full integrity. His work ethic alone defies belief.

He took precautions against Lavan, but he also behaved with impeccable moral integrity.

​He never took revenge either, nor did he take out his disappointments on his wives or children. He didn't take advantage of any loopholes for lashon hara l'to'elet and complain about Lavan around town.

Yaakov Avinu knew Who was really in charge.

Lavan played the victim. (i.e., "What, you want me to give you my younger daughter before my older daughter? How could you? Heavens to Betsy, we don't do such things!" Or, "How can you just leave like that, without even letting me kiss good-bye my darling daughters and grandchildren? Sniff! Boo-hoo!" So sensitive! [sarc])

Yaakov also refused to allow any environmental influences to steal in.

Lavan achieved mastery in the occult. Those missing terafim were the shrunken heads of first-borns who spoke when Lavan performed certain formulas. (Did Lavan wait until a first-born happened to die and then take his head? I don't know. But either way, Lavan was a pretty creepy guy.)

So despite the extreme dark occult going on next-door, Yaakov kept himself sterlingly clean, spiritually speaking.

Initially, he went low-contact with Lavan—as much as realistically possible, anyway.

Later, when it became feasible, Yaakov Avinu went no-contact with Lavan.

Everything according to whatever proved best in each given moment—and all with unshakeable yishuv hadaat.

Yaakov Avinu survived & even thrived because he only considered what Hashem wanted from him each time Lavan shot yet another curveball at him.

​And that's how Yaakov Avinu dealt with all his difficult situations in life: What does Hashem want from me right now? What is the halachically & morally correct response? 

I'm paraphrasing of course. How did he think of halacha with no Shulchan Aruch and not even a Sefer Torah? I'm not sure. But the concept certainly existed—Yeshivat Shem v'Ever and his parents & grandparents.

So the big lesson from this classic example is:

• Maintain yishuv hadaat.
• Respond with integrity and emunah.

Hashem caused the situation for your benefit (even if it feels totally non-beneficial).

Nothing really helps until you internalize that concept (even if only a little).

The Pele Yoetz discusses very painful personal situations with no real solution.

He acknowledges the pain, sympathizes (especially with an abused wife; less so with an abused husband, interestingly) and censures the abusive people involved.

At times, he censures the abusers using harsh, uncompromising language (like "snake").

But at the same time, he strongly adjures the victim to respond with complete integrity.

​It depends what the situation is, but sometimes all he does is encourage uncompromising integrity combined with copious daily prayer.

Just those 2 things: integrity & prayer.

Sometimes he offers tips & things to say to get what you want out of a relationship.(Actually, he only offers these tips to women, not men.) But in a really hopeless situation, he only focuses on your integrity (how you behave) and prayer. No techniques, tips, methods, lifehacks, nada.

But he makes no promises.

Even with the copious daily prayer, he says, ulai—perhaps—you will be answered.

Maybe. No guarantees.

But if you uphold your integrity & your middot, he reassures you of a good Olam Haba. That's the comfort.​

For months, I've really wanted to write a post on impossible situations, but keep procrastinating.

This post isn't it, but nonetheless, let's touch on it here because the vacillating dynamics of codependency have a lot to do with impossible situations.

Pop psychology, being atheist at heart, fails in the face of impossible situations.

Therefore, it's hard to find the help you need in an impossible situation, unless the solutions actually work for your situation (but often don't in truly impossible situations because they are, by definition, impossible).

On the heels of that disappointing fact, therapists, rabbis, and rebbetzins often fail in this area.

Having made that depressing observation, you CAN find frum therapists, rabbis, and rebbetzins who help.

But they must have a spiritual perspective. (The helpful ones, of course. The non-helpful ones lack a spiritual perspective no matter how frum they seem on the outside. It's the inside that counts.)

Because impossible situations are Divine refinement and/or Divine atonements, atheist methods cannot help and certainly cannot remedy an impossible situation. 

So most people (including highly touted "experts," no matter how frum they seem on the outside) will not be able to help.

But a minority can. ​

We all know people born without a necessary appendage.

People born without legs, for example, will never be able to develop real legs & walk until Mashiach comes. No running or skipping or soccer-playing for them.

A person born without eyes (like Liat Tzachor HERE) will not be able to see until Mashiach comes. It's simply impossible to expect otherwise.

Likewise, Hashem also decrees other disabling situations on people (though they may not immediately know it).

For example, I once read the true story about a Jewish woman who possessed a part of the soul of Queen Esther.

While overall, Queen Esther's soul ascended to where it experiences unfathomable delight for eternity, one part of her soul needed a specific rectification not achieved in her previous lifetime.

The subtle flaws in that soul required the nisayon of poverty to achieve rectification.

So this meant that this soul must come down into the world for the EXPRESS PURPOSE of enduring poverty.

Because that was the entire purpose of this soul-part coming down into the world, this meant that no matter what its owner did, the person encompassing the soul could never escape poverty.

Do you see what this means?

This means that no matter how much that woman (in whom resided Esther Hamalkah's soul-part) davened, performed segulot, received brachot from tzaddikim, worked, consulted with business experts, no matter who she married, and so on, she would NEVER escape her poverty.

Such a thing was simply impossible.

If she would even raise herself to the lower-middle class, her reason for existence would end.

She could never get a lucky break or make a buck.

So as long as she lived, she must remain dirt-poor.

That was the entire tikkun for her soul.

Nothing else.

And as long as she remained poor, her soul benefitted & worked its tikkun.

(Now, there's more to say about this, like what if she davened A LOT or got someone on the level of the Baal Shem Tov involved? Theoretically, I guess something like an ibbur could happen, etc. But technically speaking, Hashem could never let her out of her poverty without ruining the soul's rectification.)

I really wish I could remember where I read this story and which tzaddik related it. (If you know, please inform us!)

But it always stuck in my head because it demonstrated so clearly why some situations lack any earthly remedy.

Obviously, the hopelessly impoverished woman's situation contained a lot of misery. She lived in a time when poor people lacked all we take for granted today: electricity, indoor plumbing, wintertime heating, solid walls & roof, proper clothing, medicines, daily meals...impoverished people didn't even have pajamas!

​All she could do in such a situation (which lasted her ENTIRE LIFE) was to thank Hashem and try to be happy as best she could, knowing it was all for the best.

I can't remember if she did. Maybe she was miserable & depressed her whole impoverished life, maybe not. (I really wish I could remember!)

​It also shows us why we shouldn't blame people who, no matter how hard they try, can't seem to escape a particular nisayon.

(I'm talking about people who actually try, but never succeed.)

Maybe their soul NEEDS to be in that situation—and pounding them over the head with blame, criticism, and disdain is completely misguided & useless.

And there you go.

​We don't know what's really happening beneath the surface.

​Finally, there's a concept of "feeding your enemy."

Different interpretations exist (most popularly, defining "your enemy" as your yetzer hara, to whom you feed the "bread" of Torah), but one Breslov interpretation considers your enemy as the person who torments you.

Why?

Because the pain caused by your tormentor cleanses your soul of sin.

If you merit to skip Gehinnom altogether, it's likely in the merit of your "enemy"—a person who abused you.

So Breslov says you can go ahead and give your tormentors gifts. Or kind words. Or favors. Or prayers. (Based on Likutei Moharan 277:1: HERE is a short vort on an aspect of it by Chaya Rivka Zwolinski. Also, please read THIS.)

After all, your enemy is your ticket to Heaven!

So show a little "gratitude."

But that sounds crazy.

Or even risky.

So let's take a deeper look into it.

When a person responds with politeness or even kindness to an abusive person, most people consider that codependent or weak or groveling & encouraging of abuse.

Yet it all depends on your intentions.

If you say, "Hashem, I am going to do a favor for my husband or my parents for YOU, because you've commanded me in honoring or loving this person, and so I will do this favor"—then that transforms the entire dynamic.

Remember, Hashem runs things.

He adjusts dynamics & consequences according to our kavanot—our intentions and our hearts.

If you do something nice, acquiesce to the demand of your jerk boss or co-worker (without harming yourself or doing something illegal), offer them a gift or offer sincere praise, etc. WHILE thinking to yourself, "I'm feeding my enemy. Thank You, Hashem, because this person is saving me from Gehinnom"—that changes everything.

And if you manage to do this, you'll notice a change in the dynamic. Maybe the person treats you better, etc.

And other people will tell you that it's because you're behaving without any self-interest and the other person senses that, so they respond in kind, blah, blah, blah.

Now, that's sometimes true that the other person senses your selfless, l'shem Shamayim attitude, and now that they no longer feel you're trying to get something out of them, they relax and respond better.

But people who enjoy hurting others don't give a darn about your selflessness & altruism.

If they soften up, it's most likely because you've sweetened your own dinim by facing the situation with such solid emunah.

Also, you'll notice that the minute you drop the emunah-ball, they revert to their old abusive self.

So, if you do this, you must really do this for yourself, for Hashem, to nurture your relationship with Hashem and not do it for the other person or the relationship at all.

If the person is genuinely dysfunctional, you can hurt yourself by doing this.

You can also cause yourself burnout and so on.

So only do it for Hashem and for your own ruchniut.

It takes some courage and some inner fortification, but it's well worth it because it makes you shine in the Heavenly realms.

It's a huge act of mesirut nefesh—all for your recognition of Hashem's Mastery.

Also, let's say that because it is so awkward & unfamiliar, your fumble it in some way. Maybe, when push comes to shove, you couldn't manage to work yourself up to that level. Or you did it in a bumbling way. And now your "enemy" is laughing at you (maybe other people are). Maybe he or she is denigrating you for your efforts.

It feels worse.

But really, you didn't fail.

In Shamayim, you are considered wildly successful.

Why?

Because it's your heart, your kavanah, that counts.

You shine in the Heavenly realms because hardly anyone else ever tries to do what you did.

So even if you failed practically speaking, you can still be considered a brilliant success in the Upper Realms.

Most people don't even know to do it.

Heck, I never would've guessed unless I read it. My mind doesn't work that way.

And even if they know, it feels too hard & too risky.  

And maybe it is too hard & too risky. 

After all, some people are so crushed & empty that they cannot risk this. (It depends with whom you're dealing.)

Very understandable.

Another way to "feed your enemy" is to daven for them.

Daven for them to do teshuvah, to merit a healing of their soul & bad middot...but also to enjoy good fortune in life. May they not feel too hot or too cold. May people be nice to them. May they encounter only green traffic lights, not red or yellow ones.

It depends who it is and the circumstances. But for some people, the heartbreaking truth is that their parents or their spouse or their sibling is their enemy.

And the above can really help if that's the case. (But no promises.)

It can still be very, very painful, no matter what you do. 

But all these are just different methods within Judaism of dealing with difficult situations: gratitude, being happy with your lot, feeding the enemy, prayer, taking the moral high road, and so on.

Everyone's on a different level facing different challenges with different capabilities.

And each person needs to work with what they have.

And may we all merit to complete our soul rectification in this lifetime—without nisayon or bizayon.

In this week's dvar Torah on Parshat Vayera: Don't Look Back, Rav Miller starts off by discussing Sodom.

First of all, he notes that despite the former denial of "experts," Sodom indeed existed.

In fact, I read a book called The Stones Cry Out by a real archeologist (not Jewish) who came to Eretz Yisrael & personally examined the ruins of Sodom. He discovered that everything matched up to the Torah's narrative, including how the buildings burned from the rooftops down because of the shower of fire 'n' brimstone—he clearly saw the evidence in the ruins.

​Anyway, we all know how Lot's wife turned around to look back & ended up fossilized in a way the Torah describes as "a pillar of salt."

During my first trip to Eretz Yisrael at age 16, they took us to that area and we saw several bumpy, crooked pillars of salt. They told us that one of them was Lot's wife. Because these were non-religious people, they said this in a joking way as if referring to mythology, but the impression stuck with me nonetheless:

The Torah is tangible & long-lasting. 

The angels urging the escape of Lot & Lot's family always warned them not to look back at the destruction of the city.

But Lot's wife did. Why?

Despite the evil of Sodom, Lot & his wife enjoyed living there.

It was ancient Near East living at its finest. Lot enjoyed a respected position.

Yes, the Sodomites were cruel & heartless (in a light-hearted way, of course). They were completely immoral.

But everything else—all the material aspects—were fantastic.

Yet Lot understood the deeper implications of Hashem's particularly violent destruction of the entire city.

At the point he & his family fled, Lot realized exactly how dysfunctional the culture was. So when the angels warned him not to look back, he understood why & refrained from doing so.

​But Lot's wife missed her old Sodomite life. Did she grow up there? Probably, but I'm not 100% sure.

She looked back in longing. She missed Sodom.

​What do we learn from this?

Rav Miller states how it's your mind that defines who you really are.

Maybe you're living an impressively frum life—but maybe you secretly long for the looser & more frivolous ways of the outside world?

​Rav Miller recalls the true story of a German-Jewish family who escaped from the Nazis into Lithuania.

And on the eve of December 25th, that sat listening to the Berlin radio station.

They listened to carols.

And they wept tears of nostalgia & sentiment for their old German life.

This story reminds me of a scene from Holocaust memoir, Shattered Crystals, in which some assimilated Jewish women in the concentration camp spent all day saying things like, “Germany, ah, Germany…In Frankfurt, I had a seven-room house. You see this wool coat? It was my everyday coat. For the theater, I had a gray Persian jacket and a hat to match.”

And: “Do you know the Opera House in Berlin?...My husband and I attended regularly. We had a subscription. We had such beautiful times.”

Also, in the midst of starvation & cold & discomfort, of course a person longs for warm clothes, food, and a comfortable home.

But "Germany, ah, Germany..."? In the middle of a mass genocide? A mass genocide carried out by that same Germany?

In Lea Fuchs-Chayen's Holocaust memoir, Out of the Depths, she recalls a friend from her hometown of Budapest who did not want to leave the life-threatening horrors of Auschwitz (while the stench of burning Jews was driving Lea mad) for another camp because that would necessitate getting a number tattooed into her forearm and "imagine what a tattooed arm would look like in an elegant evening dress."

Meaning, she preferred the atrocities of Auschwitz, the constant stench of the burning flesh of her people, the constant threat of imminent & torturous death—all for the hope of returning to the lifestyle of the sleeveless evening gown.

In both memoirs, the very assimilated Jews expressed longing for the cultural aspects of their assimilated European lifestyles, not just a normal longing for some kind of escape to hot soup & a clean bed.

Look, as I've stated before, I cannot judge them.

Who knows how I would be in such an atrocious situation, chas v'shalom? Maybe even worse! 

The point is that they didn't even long for their families, people, or safety & physical comfort.

They longed for the culture—the same culture that was slaughtering them by the millions in all sorts of horrific ways.

Due to the influences of their surrounding culture, their rich soul had dwindled down to sleeveless evening gowns & opera houses.

They saw fellow Jews wasting away next to them & they smelled the burning flesh of the crematoria, yet could only think about Persian wool coats & evening gowns.

Tragically & heartbreakingly, that was all that was left inside them.

They didn't speak of missing their husbands or parents or friends or siblings. They didn't mention a longing for a hot, filling meal or a safe shelter.

They spoke of their longing for the same culture that was now slaughtering them.

As Rav Miller describes it (page 8): 

Again, the point here is not to point fingers or judge or to stick our noses in the air and feel superior to fellow Jews suffering horribly in a widespread & ruthless genocide.

I don't think we can do that.

Who knows how any of us would respond in the same situation (may Hashem protect us from such evils)?

The point is the lesson for us to improve ourselves, and not condemn those in the past.

For example, the author of Shattered Crystals constantly missed her husband & daughters. She never stopped thinking about them & yearning to reunite with them.

Lea Fuchs-Chayen sorely missed her parents & sisters & Shabbat.

Yes, they missed their lovely, comfortable homes—of course!

But when stripped of everything except their minds, to what were they most connected?

Spiritual aspects & people—what really mattered in life.

And so, we need to ask ourselves: Where are we in our minds?

In our heart of hearts, to what (or to whom) do we feel most connected?

On pages 8-10, Rav Miller discusses the challenges of converts & baalei teshuvah to leave behind their own lives.

By the way, this isn't to make people feel bad & worthless because they miss non-Torah aspects of their old life or feel drawn to the outside culture.

This longing for the outside world plays a huge part in American Jewry.

Since Jews began immigrating to America, America always exerted a special pull on the Jewish heart.

Born & raised in America, Rav Miller understood this well.

And he wished to help his fellow Jews liberate themselves from this outside pull.

He describes it as a man who grasped onto thorns, but screams for medicine only, rather than releasing his grip on the thorns.

​As Rav Miller explains (page 10-11):

Note: The Jewish Press is the favorite newspaper of a lot of good frum Jews.

Also, the Jewish Press hosts many articles in praise of Rav Avigdor Miller.

And for intermarried couples or non-frum Jews, Rav Miller advised making a subscription to the Jewish Press, so it would arrive to their home regularly and influence them positively.

As Rav Miller says here:

Or here (Rav Miller on the Jewish Press: A Rag with a Jewish Heart):

This lecture is from tape #5, which means it must have been said decades ago.

Anyway, Rav Miller loved some aspects of it and criticized other aspects.

And like I said, much to the credit of the Jewish Press, despite Rav Miller's criticism, they only ever publish articles in praise of him.

We might not always agree, but we certainly love each other!

Anyway, there is also valid criticism to offer regarding charedi publications.

No charedi publication truly reflects daas Torah, although they feature daas Torah in some of the articles.

(I wrote more about the issues of Jewish publications from all streams here: Why You Can't Rely on Journalists for the Truth.)

Anyway, to get back to the dvar Torah...

On pages 12-13, Rav Miller discusses tsniyut with his rich wit.

And it's true, as he states, that even a girl who dresses with the bare minimum of halachic modesty (a skirt the covers just her knees—at least while she's standing up) still suffers castigation for dressing in a way considered "old-fashioned" or "oppressive."

​I must admit I enjoyed Rav Miller's criticism of Dior the designer, calling him "wicked" and "an enemy of Mankind" and "meshugeneh."

​On pages 13-15, he wittily discusses the problems of secular books, movies, and TV.

​On pages 16-17, Rav Miller discusses the great accomplishment & contribution of chassidim & chassidus. (Rav Miller wasn't a chassid.)

​On pages 17-18, he offers tips on how to enhance Jewish joy in your own life.

On pages 18-20, Rav Miller explains the attack of Amalek on the Jews after they left Mitzrayim; it attacked the "weakened ones"—the ones looking back over their shoulders.

By the way, if you (like me) even wondered why the Jews (not just the Erev Rav) missed Mitzrayim, Rav Edelstein explains that there was a phase between enslavement & exodus in which they enjoyed the high life of Egypt.

(Click Through the Eyes of a Gadol, then scroll halfway down.)
 
That's what they missed. For around 80%, release from slavery into the high life was enough. They didn't want more. 

Let's finish with some final words from Rav Miller:

There's an excellent article at Hamodia called Through the Eyes of a Gadol, regarding the Internet.

It presents interviews with 2 Gadolim [major Torah Sages], Rav Gershon Edelstein of Ponevezh Yeshivah and Rav Dov Landau of Slabodka Yeshivah, plus excerpts of speeches by Rav Edelstein.

Listening to the actual words of a big talmid chacham always creates an eye-opening experience.

They both think & feel very differently than the average person.

For example, one thing they do is ask "why." Or "what."

I noticed this in encounters with other Gedolim, like Rav Shteinman.

They want to delve into the issue & understand. So they ask "why."

So in this article, for example, Rav Edelstein asks, "What's the problem?" and "What do you mean by 'they need it'?"

Rav Landau asks, "Can you not do there what you do here?" and "Why is it different?"

And then they both listen to the reply.

Both opine that the Internet is extremely harmful. Yet they still inquire into the details and the listen.

While Rav Edelstein speaks strongly against unfiltered Internet ("It is Gehinnom on earth and in the World to Come. It’s a double Gehinnom"), he also comes off as sympathetic to those who desire Internet.

For people who initially acquire Internet for their livelihood, but then end up using it throughout the day for other things (and only 10% of it for parnassah), Rav Edelstein doesn't criticize their desire or tell them to get rid of it completely (perhaps showing he understands that most people feel they simply cannot do that). Instead, he repeatedly emphasizes the need for a filter.

He doesn't expect people to make it on their own. He understands people need help.

He understands the tremendous pull of the Web, even though he personally does not struggle with this at all.

​Likewise, Rav Landau acknowledges that it is a terrible nisayon, and not a nisayon faced by previous generations.

Again, he doesn't castigate people, but focuses on what a thorny & unique nisayon it is.

Rav Landau also focuses on the people who are doing things right, like the success in Internet filtering in Eretz Yisrael (far from perfect, but there has been success) and emphasizing the yirei Shamayim & talmidei chachamim in America.

Clearly, both talmidei chachamim give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

Then Rav Edelstein goes into a passionate description of gloriousness of people who overcome their yetzer hara in this nisayon [a very trying challenge], mentioning how this wonderfulness is true regarding any nisayon.

He praises small efforts: 

Very encouraging.

He says a lot of good things about how the zechus [merit] created by overcoming this particular challenge brings success in parnassah [making a living] and with children.

I found this phrase particularly encouraging:

I have some major nisayonot (and not just the Internet), and I get really miserable in the struggle to overcome them. It's often all very wearisome.

And then I wonder if it's really worth it. And I wonder if I'm doing things right anyway. It gets confusing at times.

But seeing these statements from Rav Edelstein put new fire in me. 

I hope this renewed fire lasts at least until tomorrow—b'ezrat Hashem!

​I think the most amazing & encouraging statement from Rav Edelstein came regarding the people who hold strong in the Internet nisayon:

They have the power to bless others? Seriously?

Whoa.

​But it must be true.

​Rav Edelstein would never say empty words.

Many talmidei chachamim today consider Rav Edelstein a Gadol.

But when he advises how to combat unkosher Internet usage, Rav Edelstein says that it's up to the Rabbanim...as if he isn't one—or as if he isn't one that committed American Jews wouldn't listen to (but he is!).

Rather than taking the reins, he outsources to the Rabbanim in the USA.

Likewise, when they speak with Rav Landau, he asks if they consulted with Rav Edelstein already.

When they reply in the affirmative, he responds, "We will follow whatever he says...Klal Yisrael cannot work if everyone gives an opinion."

Needless to say, Rav Landau's opinions are significant. He clearly knows his own mind & also the Torah. Yet he defers to Rav Edelstein as if he is not Rav Edelstein's equal. And he does so for the sake of what's best for the entire Jewish people.

In other words, no ego.

Finally, Rav Landau blesses the entire Jewish people:

The entire interview shows how Rav Landau feels connected with his fellow Jews.

When the interviewer blesses Rav Edelstein that he should merit to greet Mashiach soon, Rav Edelstein replies:

While gaining a lot of encouragement from Judaism's emphasis on the power of baby-steps in the right direction, I struggled to understand how that worked within the context of the thorough scrutiny & Heavenly judgement that awaits every person in the end.

Rav Avigdor Miller enthused about how 5 minutes of a self-accounting becomes a game-changer, and also how thinking of Hashem for the amount of time it takes to walk from one streetlight to the next makes you one in a million and changes everything.

Or what about how 60 seconds can win you Olam Haba? (HERE.)

Or how Rav Itamar Schwartz recommends starting off talking to Hashem for only 30 seconds a day? (HERE.)

Or with Rav Bender's story of the crude butcher (HERE) who did teshuvah to the point that he died with "a good name" in his community. 

But the butcher never became a tzaddik.

And Rav Bender, who was a tzaddik & knew tzaddikim up close & personal, still seemed so content with the man's final outcome.

Yes, the butcher made tremendous spiritual progress in his life, but he never reached the elevated levels of Rav Bender and others like Rav Bender.

​Yet Rav Bender recalls the butcher's final outcome ("a good name") with such relish & satisfaction.

How does all that fit into the ultimate scrutiny?

How can those minutes add up, especially with all the other distractions & tumah tugging at & influencing us?

​Can we really achieve a good position in Olam Haba with such small steps & limited progress?

The answer lies in Rav Dessler's Strive for Truth.

In the section on Being & Having in Part 3 of Volume II, Rav Dessler explains the connection between our good deeds in This World & our experience in Olam Haba (The World to Come, The Next World).

Gratitude plays a massive part in this.

Whatever gratitude a person cultivated in This World, it continues to multiply in the Next World...forever.

Rather than a stagnant world of pleasure, Olam Haba pulsates with continuously renewed pleasure as the soul experiences higher & higher revelations of Hashem's Glory, which increases the soul's gratitude, which opens up even higher revelations...all in a never-ending ascent of delightful self-abandonment.

(In This World, wild self-abandonment leads to animalistic behavior, which leads to terrible sins. But in Olam Haba, the goal is self-abandonment from the side of holiness, which is means the nullification of the ego, which then enables you to experience maximum pleasure.)

In other words, Rav Dessler says that Olam Haba is an ever-ascending spiral of spiritual progress.

And that progress started down here.

This World.

This icky, polluted, stressful, exhausting world.

Basically, every single time you do anything to overcome your yetzer hara (especially with the awareness that you're doing it because Hashem said so), you create a whole new root from which your spiritual progress can grow.

Every. Single. Time.

Because a Jew's entire purpose in This World is to reveal Hashem's Glory (something with which non-Jews can also assist the Nation of Israel), a single instance of choosing the right act over the wrong act reveals Hashem's Glory.

No one here generally notices this revelation, but it is certainly noted in Shamayim!

It happens whether you perceive it...or not.

This is very special, especially in our times when so much of morality is considered repugnant or on object of mockery & derision.

Have you ever been derided because you have a filter or image-blocker on your Internet—including by an old-fashioned middle-age aunt who should know better because she grew up with better values? (It happened to me.)

Why do you filter your Internet? After all, it only inconveniences you.

Because you care about your soul. Hashem doesn't want us encountering certain venues of tumah (spiritual impurity), so you place a filter or image-blocker.

In other words, you're doing it for Hashem.

How many times have you restrained your tongue from anger or lashon hara?

Especially lashon hara to someone with whom you're genuinely close and would never betray you—that's lashon hara with no perceivable consequences. So why did you resist?

Only because Hashem forbade it.

Maybe a burst of temper would make things go better for you. Maybe you enjoy the cathartic release it brings (some don't experience guilt after their tantrum). Maybe your family or employees will get their act together out of intimidation. (Unfortunately, it works—at least for the short term...)

But you refrain. You overcome that particular yetzer hara.

Why?

Only because Hashem said losing your temper is like worshiping idols. It's a denial of Hashem's intimate supervision; it's the opposite of emunah.

And each time you do this, you create an unseen root.

And in the World to Come, all these roots you created will combine together to form an unimaginably vibrant field of light—light that carries you on the journey of spiritual progress you started all the way down here.

Tzaddikim spend every moment making roots of light. So they experience amazing delight in the Next World.

But we can also do this. 

Those roots exist.

And that's why these baby steps, these 10 minutes here, and the 30 seconds, and the amount of time it takes to walk from one utility pole to the next—they all mean so much.

They all end up combining together to take you higher & further than you ever dreamed.

The Me'am Lo'ez on Beresheit 23:6:5-6 discusses the people of that time—people we generally define as giants.

Several types existed, however this post focuses on one type: the Nefilim.

Chazal offers several reasons for their name. The root of Nefilim is nafal—falling. They were so tall, they looked like they were falling.

In the preceding verse (verse 4), the Torah writes Nefilim as if it reads nafalim—aborted infants.

The Me'am Lo'ez notes that with all the wanton behavior occurring in that generation, illegitimate pregnancies became common.

To save themselves from the shame of an out-of-wedlock pregnancy, these pregnant single women were given drugs to induce abortion.

(Modern society thinks it's so smart to have invented a pill to induce abortion, but people already invented that thousands of years ago.)

So in addition to reading the verse as "the Nefilim were in the land," the Me'am Lo'ez reads it as "the aborted infants were in the earth": "The earth was literally filled with them."

This reminds me of the dumpsters behind abortion clinics, filled with the remains of aborted babies.

Pro-life activists sometimes sneak into these dumpsters to photograph the gruesome remains of abortions carried out on an unborn baby developed enough to adopt human form.

The activists are accused of using gruesome shock tactics, but they're merely photographing the reality of abortion.

(BTW, I'm against using the photos out in public, like on the sidewalk, for the same reason I'm against any gruesome or indecent image randomly assaulting the eyes of the public. But for them to use these photos during an official presentation is correct.)

Another reason for abortion was because the regular women fell in love with the giants of that time, but could not physically bear such large children.

So they aborted them.

In the time of preceding the Flood, all sorts of immorality took place (sort of like now).

One bizarre aspect of that generation was that when they first heard about the punishment in store for their world, they responded by intensifying their corrupt behavior.

Again, this reminds me of the "Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die!" attitude prevalent today.

Also, in the "End of the World" genre, characters sometimes respond by committing depraved acts because "now's our chance!"

So upon hearing about the upcoming punishment, people engaged in every kind of depravity, including men with men or with animals. They even performed wedding ceremonies to legitimize these depraved relationships.

Women made themselves up and displayed themselves with immodesty in the streets, seeking out wanton liaisons.

Men fathered many children out-of-wedlock, producing offspring all over the world.

Again and again, the Me'am Lo'ez emphasizes the lack of shame in that society. People did all the above without shame.

On the contrary, they reveled in their depravity.

We see all this in our time.

For example...

With all the formality of the British royal family, I was surprised to read about the future king of England publicly shacking up with his girlfriend—the future queen of England—prior to their engagement.

Also, because she has since proven herself to be a paradigm of propriety, fitting so well into her royal role as Duchess-Princess, it's still weird to me that they were so lackadaisical during the premarital stage.

Yes, I know the royal families have always been immoral & hypocritical, but flaunting impropriety rather than keeping it private shows a huge crack in social norms.

​After all, "all the best people are doing it." So why shouldn't everyone?

What's more, you have all these European princesses willfully producing love-children out-of-wedlock—their only concern whether these children inherit a title or not.

And with all the out-of-wedlock children & loose behavior pre-Flood, why did shame motivate women to abort?

After all, it's clear that generation commonly produced children out-of-wedlock.

Perhaps it's like today: An unwanted pregnancy is considered an easily preventable mistake in the mid-to-upper classes.

That stratum of society considers accidentally impregnated females stupid, not only because they got pregnant in the first place, but because they carry the baby to term when a practical "solution" (abortion) is so easily available to them.

So you rarely see a mid-to-upper class woman carrying an unwanted baby to term in the USA.

They either use contraception or abortion.

Hashem gave people many warnings a several hundred years to repent.

He flooded two-thirds of the world twice in Enosh's time.

He brought great earthquakes in the mountains, which placed the world in darkness—could this mean ash from eruptions?

He produced constant thunder and lightening.

When Metushelach died, the Sun rose in the West and set in the East (rather than its usual East-West path). But people insisted it was just a natural phenomenon.

He sent Noach to warn people.

But nothing helped.

Again, we see all this now.

Hurricanes, tornadoes, droughts, fires, disease, and flooding always bring calls to carry out useless gestures to reverse "global warming" and/or calls to impeach President Trump.

But these natural disasters never bring calls for repentance (unless you happen to be in a religious community).

Despite the incidents of natural disasters, Hashem made life very easy and pleasant for people.

They felt rich, untouchable, and strong.

They scoffed at the need for Hashem, even to bring rain. Because they lived surrounded by an abundance of water wells, they felt like, "What do we need God for?" (That attitude is SO characteristic of today!)

They were strong—and also very healthy. They suffered no disease.

Wheat kernels grew as big as melons, then Hashem sent a wind to blow them off onto the ground so people needn't thresh the wheat nor go digging around for tiny kernels.

But instead of feeling grateful to Hashem for all that free time & ease, and instead of utilizing that ease & freedom to build a relationship with Hashem, people used these gifts to sink into decadence & depravity.

Seven days before the Flood, Hashem changed the Sun's path to rise in the West and set in the East.

During that 7-day period, Hashem allowed that generation to experience such great pleasure, it approached the delights of the World to Come!

(He did that so the destruction of the Flood would cause them even more distress, coming after such pleasure.)

This is also similar to today. 

Even though before covid-19, many people felt stressed out, but a lot of that stress related to acquisition.

The truth is that even poor people in America live better than rich people did 2 centuries ago.

Cars, electricity, indoor plumbing, supermarket aisles full of everything to meet your needs in all different flavors—even $1 stores provide so much.

And the Internet brought great pleasure straight to one's fingertips.

Free movies, free games, free music—whether legal or not, it's all there & oh-so easy to access.

Rav Itamar Schwartz mentions several times Chazal's prediction that the Generation of the Flood will reincarnate in our times (i.e. the End of Days).

​(Please see page 10 of this PDF.)

I think we're seeing this now.

The similarities between their generation & ours are too great to dismiss.

Interestingly, Chazal also says that the Generation of the Flood has no part in the World to Come.

I guess that means they cease to exist, including on the soul-level.

But they exist right now. They're all around us.

The reason why we need to maintain this awareness is because the same people who set societal norms & values for us today are the same people who horribly corrupted the world several thousand years ago.

And they're doing it again.

These people have NO future. When they die, that's it for them.

Do we really want to get caught up with such people?

Where are they taking us?

Around 4000 years ago, these same souls danced down a path of revelry & abandon that led to unimaginable destruction.

And they're doing it again.

Let's step off their path & travel our own, even if our path doesn't seem as smooth.

Our path leads in the right direction—to Geula.

​Their path leads toward destruction.

Even though the list of what the Me'am Lo'ez calls "The 7 Universal Commandments" appears in Parshat Beresheit of the Me'am Lo'ez (Beresheit 2:16-17), it is still appropriate to discuss them in Parshat Noach because these "7 Universal Commandments" are also known as "The 7 Noachide Laws."

In other words, they're one and the same, just different labels.

(Note: The Me'am Lo'ez is a master translation & commentary on the Torah written in Ladino and first published in 1730.) 

The Me'am Lo'ez notes that Hashem commanded Adam Harishon to keep 7 rules:

In other words, they apply to every single human being anywhere in the world for all generations, starting with Adam.

​That means us.

The translator notes these 7 commandments apply primarily to Adam's non-Jewish descendants (because Jews not only observe laws that include these commandments, but Jews committed themselves to much more).

Some of this blog's readers aren't Jewish, so maybe they'll find the following helpful.

But Jews also need to know.

Sometimes, a seeking non-Jew asks a Jew a question about what they should be doing, and the Jew either doesn't know or unknowingly offers the wrong guidance.

It also helps us understand what's going on in our society.

When the majority of society regularly transgresses commandments meant for & self-evident to all descendants of Adam for all generations, then Hashem must respond to them in ways meant to wake them up, and show them that yes, there are consequences for their behavior and their self-delusion.

​So here they are: The 7 Universal Commandments:

This is self-explanatory, but idol-worshipping occurs in many Eastern religions and I've heard that the practices of some church-going people also crosses the line into idol-worshipping. (The details vary from group to group, and I'm not familiar with all the details, but that's what I've heard.)

Hashem expects people to know that an image fashioned out of wood, stone, or metal by human hands cannot possibly possess any power.

Furthermore, He expects people to know that planets & stars cannot possess any power.

In the face of such obvious complexity, clearly a Master Orchestrator is at work.

As shown from Avraham Avinu's destruction of his father's shop of idols until today's earthquakes & lightning strikes, idols lack the power to protect even themselves, let alone assist anyone else.

Even if a person believes that the idol is merely a conduit for the spirit to enter the idol & do stuff, it's still very wrong because the spirit possesses the power, not the idol (so it's foolish to worship the idol).

​And the spirit is one of impurity meant to deceive & harm human beings, so why get involved with that?

Anyway, everything is under Hashem's Mastery, so it's best (and true) to always turn straight to Him, without any thought of any intermediary.

According to the Me'am Lo'ez, this includes these 6 relationships:

(1) Between a son & his mother.
No need for further commentary.

(2) Between a son & his father's wife.
This includes any woman the father was ever with physically, whether he was married to her or not, and whether it was consensual or not.

(3) Between any man & a married woman.
Because the only Jewish definition of marriage is the halachic Jewish ceremony, Judaism allows non-Jews to define marriage according to their society's norm.

Meaning, if a non-Jewish culture performs marriage by the couple jumping over a broomstick, then that's a marriage according to Judaism.

If it's performed by taking vows in front of a judge or clergyman, then that's a marriage.

Basically, Judaism defines a non-Jewish "marriage" as any situation in which a couple lives together as man and wife. (I'm guessing this means they've set up a home together with a monogamous commitment to each other, whether they underwent an actual marriage ceremony or not.) 

Likewise, Judaism does not recognize a non-Jewish divorce. 

As soon as the non-Jewish couple separates (I guess this means that one of them decides to physically leave permanently), then Judaism no longer considers them married.

The modern situation, in which a couple decides to live together as a married couple for years before either separating or getting legally married, presents a problem within universal law.

The couple do not consider themselves married, yet it's not clear that Judaism concurs.

I don't know how it's viewed by Chazal.

In Western society today, an enormous amount of infidelity occurs, both among officially married couples and couples living together as if they're married.

We see from this prohibition that Hashem views this very severely.

Also, with so many stories & songs glorifying the very infidelity that Hashem so strictly forbids, how do you think Hashem views that?

(4) Between a brother & a sister.

(5) Between 2 males, even if one is a minor.
​Unfortunately, it has become fashionable to violate this prohibition. 

Also, it's interesting that Judaism emphasizes the inclusion of minors in this prohibition.

It's true that several cultures throughout history consider this okay when done to a young boy, which is sick & people should know that it's sick (which is why it's one of the universal commandments—these are ethics people can figure out without Torah m'Sinai).

For around 300 years, Greek upper-class men were very into this with pre-teen boys.

Even cultures that strictly forbid toeva between adult males look askance when an adult male does it to a boy because it's considered playing around—but it's not. Not at all. 

This is why you see Islamic cultures slaughtering in cruel ways men & teenage boys who engage in toeva, yet when it's done to, say, an 8-year-old boy, there usually aren't repercussions.

Anyway, this prohibition (at least between males from their teens and onward) is now celebrated as permissible in modern society.

You are now castigated if you support Hashem's prohibition & oppose society's permissiveness.

That doesn't exactly bring bracha to society.

(6) Between a human & any animal.
This really doesn't need any commentary, however, a frum friend of mine read me the opening chapter of a popular novel that opened with this kind of scene. It lacked the revolting details and was presented in a light-hearted manner, and mentioned that the person involved fought to make this a legal marriage recognized in law & society.

My friend thought it was very funny & innovative, which is why she wanted to read it to me. "I just came across the most unique opening I've ever read in a novel. Wanna hear it?" was how I got roped into hearing it.

But I was like, Can't you see what they're pushing? They're trying to break down more boundaries in society by making this seem "cute" rather than really abhorrent.

In modern American society, you can get away with almost anything as long as you are cute & funny enough.

The Me'am Lo'ez notes that this includes abortion.

He says this also applies to a person so ill, he's considered dead & sure to die no matter what. (Euthanasia, anyone?)

This also includes killing by passive means, like by "tying the victim before a lion or leaving him to starve to death."

Needless to say, infanticide of female or weak or deformed children regularly occurred in some cultures by "exposing them to the elements"—100% forbidden by God.

Today, euthanasia is often performed this way.

​They remove the feeding tube and allow the unconscious person to starve to death.

This happened to one of my non-Jewish family members in the pricey, reputable old-age home in which he resided.

(Yes, I tried to stop it, but it happened in the States and I live in Eretz Yisrael. And the man's children were so yippy-skippy about it, there was no stopping them.)

To my horror, the staff decided to push the dying man's bed right against that of his wife's so that they could spend his dying week close together. (Yes, it took around a week.)

I received cheerful emails describing how his skin started mottling and stuff during the starvation.

When I wrote back questioning the appropriateness of forcing his wife to experience this, my relative insisted it was fine and that his wife wasn't "with it" enough to notice.

(And yes, I also pointed out that just because someone is unconscious, that doesn't mean they aren't aware and can't feel either emotional or physical pain or suffering. Maybe they can! Some do! However, in our very rationalist Darwinian society, no one cares...especially if it's an old person.)

I found the whole thing ghoulish.

Later, I discovered that the wife was definitely "with it"! Maybe not 100%, but definitely enough so that when people visited her, they told me how she sat up and talked and made comments on their appearance. They engaged in real conversations with her.

In a photo of her, I noticed a shelf of novels next to her bed.

I felt even worse knowing this.

But the entire ghoulish process occurred among lots of good cheer & "compassion" among both the family members & the staff of the old-age home.

I felt very grateful that Hashem had brought me to Torah so that I could know that this was all horribly wrong & immoral, despite how cheerfully & "sensitively" they carried out the whole ghoulish murder.

Also, many places use morphine to murder their patients, yet they don't present it that way to the family members.

(Please read this excellent article on the topic by a very devoted & courageous Jewish woman: Hospice: A Jewish View.)

Also:

• In the "Noachide Laws" link at the end, you'll notice that murder includes hiring someone to do it. Using a hitman doesn't absolve a person of this crime.

Here's a bit on killing as defense:

• If a non-Jew sees a person pursuing someone to murder or violate them, then it is permissible to kill that person before he commits murder or violates a woman.

 

• But if the pursuer can be stopped by wounding him or cutting of his hand, then one is guilty of murder if he actually kills him.

That's basically the answer to how police are allowed to respond.

Most American police officers do not want to actually kill anyone.

But if they do, whether they needed to or not, the people who respond by looting innocent businesses & shooting random police officers are also committing grave & unforgivable offenses against Hashem's Universal Laws.

The people (like politicians & professors) who support looting & murder are also in big trouble according to these laws. (Please see below the commandment to appoint judges & police officers.)

I don't know if defunding the police literally violates God's Law, halachically speaking, but it certainly isn't going in the right direction.

No stealing from anybody, regardless of their religion or yours.

No stealing any amount of money, including something worth less than a penny.

If a non-Jew is employed in an orchard, he may not eat the fruit, even while working, because it belongs to the owner. To do otherwise is stealing.

If one withholds a worker's wages, that is stealing.

According to the above, this means that all those jolly looters & shoplifters are in big trouble.

In general, all sorts of stealing is seen as permissible in society today.

​Not good.

The Me'am Lo'ez states that non-Jews have an obligation to appoint judges & police officers for every place.

The role of the judges & police officers is twofold:

1. To enforce these 7 Universal Commandments
2. To punish those who violate them

 

• In a non-Jewish court, the judge may accept the testimony of a witness, even if the witness did not first warn the accused that he was transgressing.

Presumably, at least one reason for that is because the 7 Universal Laws are self-evident.

For example, you may need to warn a Jew first that he is transgressing Shabbat. The Shabbat laws are numerous and it could be that a Jew honestly did not guess that his action was prohibited.

However, regarding the Laws for all people, Hashem expects people to figure out on their own the wrongness of murder or stealing, or eating from a live animal braying or squeaking in pain, and so on. 

• In a non-Jewish court, the testimony of relatives is accepted, even when judging a capital case.

According to the Me'am Lo'ez, a non-Jew who curses Hashem incurs the death penalty.

It's really bad & forbidden for Jews too, but because you can't make a death penalty for so many prohibitions (like the hundreds for Jews), Jews have some leeway, even though some prohibitions (like murder) still call for the death penalty.

He doesn't explain more about how that's defined.

​I could think of many examples in society that I consider cursing God, but not sure if they literally are.

Nonetheless, to be on the safe side, a person should make a point of thanking & praising God.

This means even the tiniest piece of meat—as long as the animal shows any signs of life.

Even if the animal underwent proper shechitah, with the windpipe & the gullet severed, as long as the animal shows any sign of motion, one may not cut off a piece of meat and eat it.

This doesn't seem so applicable in our times; Western culture considers this repulsive. (Although some chomp live bugs on camera for shock value & ratings, but I don't know if live insects are forbidden under this Law—though it certainly is disgusting.)

Yet we know that in some restaurants in China, they eat live mice & octopus, and enjoy the sensation of the dying animal moving around in their mouth.

I even read there is a Chinese dish called Huo Jian Lu, which literally means "Live Braying Donkey."

And yes, it's as it sounds.

In Japan, there's a dish in which the diner eats the still-beating heart of a frog.

Not all Chinese or Japanese engage in such disturbing cuisine, of course, but the ones who do are in big trouble.

And no, I've no idea of the parameters of this, like if this includes seafood and insects. 

The Me'am Lo'ez includes 4 more prohibitions that some Sages (though not all) say apply to non-Jews:

(1) Not to sterilize any living creature by castration.
This has become common in modern society; it's even considered a responsible thing to do.

(2) Not to engage in witchcraft.
Like with toeva, this has become fashionable today. I remember signs posted in the hallway of my college advertising a weekly "Wicca meeting."

Witchcraft is also glorified in so many books & movies.

And however "cute" and appealing witches & witchcraft are made to be, it's the occult and includes some very nasty things, in addition to being a denial of Hashem's Mastery.

(3) Not to interbreed any creature with another not of the same species.
You can't even make a mule (horse & donkey combo).

It also makes me wonder about those people who like to interbreed big cats together ("ligers"—lion-tiger) for curiosity or to make money showing these "freaks" at their zoos.

Like other universal mitzvot, you can figure out on your own that this isn't a good idea.

For example, many modern animal conservationists consider this kind of cross-breeding as unethical. They arrived at that conclusion without knowing that some Torah Sages forbid this.

(4) Not to eat blood from a living animal.
The primary prohibition concerns eating a limb from a living animal.

But some authorities include the animal's blood in this too.

​Please note the Me'am Lo'ez's final encouraging words on the 7 Universal (Noachide) Laws (page 252 in the English translation):

Hope you found this helpful.

If you have questions, I'm unfortunately not knowledgeable enough to help you (whatever the Me'am Lo'ez wrote here is all I know now).

There is also this article at "Ask the Rabbi—Din Online," which is very learned, well-sourced, and may not be for beginners, but is an intelligent and valuable resource to clarify these 7 Universal Laws:
The Noachide Laws: A World of Order & Peace

It seems to me this resource is written more for knowledgeable Jews than non-Jews, and that's helpful because I know of at least 2 seemingly Orthodox rabbis who unintentionally ended up misguiding both Jews & non-Jew due to their...well, I'm not sure what. Cognitive dissonance? 

​Anyway, it's good for Jews to know the parameters.

The above-linked article also contains a very interesting discussion on how Islam & Christianity are viewed within the framework of the Universal Laws, which Jews also need to understand.

Also, if you ever wondered about the responsibility of non-Jews trapped in a society of unethical courts & police (like a Communist system), then the article addresses that too.

​If you have further questions, you can ask your rabbi or you can leave a comment at the end of the linked article or you can contact them in their question form. (You can use an anonymous name too.)

*Please note that while your name will not show up there in the question, the comment form is totally different and if you leave a comment with your real name, it will show up in the comment.

Learning the above gives us better insight into why the world seems crushed under increasingly harsh judgement.

We see that the most fundamental laws of ethics given to Adam millennia ago are now being violated with abandon.

Even worse, much of society even glorifies & romanticizes many of these violations.

Some are encouraged by society in the name of "compassion" & "freedom."

Or "rights." (The "right" to die, the "right" to abortion, the "right" to be happy, etc.)

Western courts uphold transgressions of some of these violations. 

Needless to say, these are serious dysfunctions.

​It can't continue like this.

May we all do teshuvah and may Hashem please bring the complete Redemption with mercy & compassion.

The end of Parshat Beresheit introduces us to the appallingly corrupt Generation of the Flood and humanity's hero, Noach.

On Beresheit/Genesis 6:8, the Me'am Lo'ez notes an interesting opinion about Noach.

This opinion (Zera Berakh) states that, initially, Hashem included Noach in the decree to destroy humanity.

But Noach did teshuvah. He changed his ways.

And so Hashem annulled the decree over Noach individually and even catapulted Noach into the role of savior of humanity (and savior of the animals & birds).

This is hinted to in the word "found"—as in "Noach found favor in the Eyes of Hashem." It implies that the Divine favor wasn't always there, but was a more recent acquisition.

​This, explains the Me'am Lo'ez, shows us the true power of teshuvah.

A person can be despised & far from Hashem.

But as soon as he truly repents, he "finds favor in Hashem's Eyes."

And with that new-found favor, he can merit not only a revolutionary change in his own destiny, but in the destiny of the entire world.

Following on the heels of the previous post, I wanted to look at another idea of Rav Dessler: one's personal choice box.

In the previous post, we saw how Mrs. Kanner avoided being completely crushed by the He'der Gehinnom on Earth due to the inner resources imbued from her commitment to Torah & mitzvot.

However, every person has a limit.

Note: Mrs. Kanner's Holocaust autobiography is available for free legal download here:
http://www.shatteredcrystals.net/files/SHATTERED-CRYSTALS.pdf

Within that same timeframe at the awful Nexon transit camp, Mrs. Kanner meets Rebbetzin Kremer, a profoundly religious woman who, with her husband, devotes herself to her people in the camp.

Rebbetzin Kremer took upon herself to attend to the purification ritual of the increasing number of dead Jews in the camp.

But being a one-woman chevra kadisha soon overwhelmed her and she turned to Mrs. Kanner for help.

Despite any prior experience in such a task, Mrs. Kanner agreed.

But ultimately, she couldn't tolerate it.

The first time Mrs. Kanner assisted the rebbetzin in this chessed shel emet, she needed to run outside to vomit.

Then, biting her lip, she forced herself to work for another hour, fighting nausea the whole time until she ran out to vomit again.

Two days later, Mrs. Kanner forced herself to return to help the rebbetzin, but again, found herself rushing outside to vomit.

In Mrs. Kanner's words (page 175):

In her sincerity, Mrs. Kanner looked for a replacement, but never found one.

The last time she saw Rebbetzin Kremer, the rebbetzin was helping two elderly ladies walk to the train deporting Jews out (which prevented these ladies from being maltreated by impatient Nazis).

Now.

Do you think that anyone should compare Mrs. Kanner to the rebbetzin?

No.

Do you think that in Shamayim, there's judgement on Mrs. Kanner for not being able to do what the rebbetzin did in those circumstances?

No.

You can't compare the two at all.

For Rebbetzin Kremer, attending to the needs of the dead lay in her personal choice box.

It was difficult in such awful circumstances, but she was able to do it. She was able to choose to do it.

And while Mrs. Kanner behaved heroically when she volunteered to assist the Red Cross nurse in her rounds, helping with the taharah ritual was simply outside Mrs. Kanner's choice box.

As Rav Dessler notes, we aren't judged for that which lays outside our choice box.

Some things really are beyond our present level & are simply not realistic for us where we stand now.

As the book Shattered Crystals shows, Mrs. Kanner was a devoted, courageous, resourceful, and heroic Jewish woman.

Her inability to help with this particular mitzvah doesn't minimize her personal greatness.

And the above is only one example of why you can't batter others with comparisons.

Yes, something might be important. It might be a big mitzvah.

But what if you simply CAN'T?

We can only achieve what lies within our choice box.

And, through our inner growth, we can expand our choice box over time.

But we can't accomplish what lies outside the range of realistic choices available to us.

You can break a person by pressuring them to perform what lies outside their personal choice box.

​Real chizuk means encouraging a person to choose correctly according to his or her unique level & personality.

May we merit to always make choices that elevate us.

In our modern times, many knowledgeable people discourage focusing on fear & Gehinnom with regarding to spiritual inner work.

This is correct because most people cannot handle it.

Subsequently, people tend to feel discouraged or stunted rather than encouraged.

However, many people find that focusing on aspects of Gehinnom in a positive way encourages positive growth & helps them turn away from damaging & forbidden behaviors.

With that in mind, let's continue with what Rav Dessler says about it in Strive for Truth!, Volume 2, Part 3: Gehinnom—Concept & Application.

Rav Dessler notes that many believers believe that when they die, they go straight to the World of Truth.

Not so fast, says Rav Dessler.

A little-known concept among the masses (yet widely discussed in Chazal) is that a person goes into his or her life after death with the same personality maintained in physical life.

An aspect of Gehinnom described by the Maharal of Prague--he'der (nothingness)—resembles a state of "total sensory deprivation" similar to such chambers in experimental operation in Rav Dessler's times (and ours), in which a person is deprived of ANY sensory impression from the world outside such a chamber.

Rav Dessler notes this causes psychic strain in the short term and madness in the long term.

The harsh truth: A person who burrows into the comforts of This World doesn't suddenly transform upon dying.

For example, if you rely on all sorts of crutches (particularly unsavory ones) in This World, you come with those same desires & addictions into the Next World...with no way to access these crutches & desires whatsoever.

We all know people (including ourselves, rachmana litzlan) who make themselves feel better in material ways: drugs, drinking, shooting nasty barbs at others, eating, gambling, shopping, video-watching, music, dance-clubbing, slandering, yelling, violence, vengeance, licentious behavior, and much more.

So a person who only indulges himself, with no middot work whatsoever (a rasha, according to Rav Dessler), enters the Next World as he or she is in This World.

There, they enter a state in which they cannot snort cocaine, punch anyone, scream & verbally abuse this he'der state into submission, down buttery popcorn & cookie dough-fudge ice cream while binging on their favorite movie or TV series, seduce anyone, destroy he'der's reputation by slandering it to others, listen to heavy metal or angry rap, or doll themselves up & make their way to their favorite discotheque.

He'der also lacks cigarettes & good coffee—including Pumpkin Spice Lattes.

Needless to say, I'm talking to myself just as much as anyone else.

True confessions: I've been known to find comfort in chocolate & peanut butter.

(And that's not all! But let's just leave it at the chocolate & peanut butter.)

And it's not a joke. So the past couple of years have seen me working on eliminating my lifelong food taavot.

​It doesn't happen overnight.

But the work is really, really beneficial.

Now, you may be wondering how the extremely depressing he'der Gehinnom concept can be spun in a happy way.

After all, you might be thinking, You mean that not only will I take my penchant for watching old episodes of Bewitched with me to the Next World—but have NO way to satisfy that indulgence?!! And what's this about the lack of Pumpkin Spice lattes? Does that mean even on Shabbos, when sufferers get a reprieve from Gehinnom?!!

So the happy fact about the above is this:

Any time you experience the pain of deprivation in This World, you won't experience it in the Next.

Meaning, that pain you feel by NOT watching streamed media, NOT bullying others into submission, and NOT drinking yourself into stupidity, NOT taking revenge, and NOT sharing juicy gossip or mocking others to make yourself feel better, etc...

...this is pain you won't feel in the Next World.

You're breaking your attachment now.

And even if you don't completely break it, just the fact that YOU ARE TRYING grants you bonus points in the Next World.

So by restraining & resisting meaningless indulgences and forbidden behavior in This World, you give yourself something to look forward to in the Next.

Rav Dessler notes that the rasha in he'der is left with his own ego, which means he's left with his own being empty of any meaningful content—and all due to his own choices.

But what about a decent person?

What of the person who decides to face his or her free time or challenges by utilizing holy pursuits?

I don't even mean tzaddikim.

For example, I know numerous "regular" people who fight dark moments by doing something productive.

Feeling depressed, a woman claws her way out of her lethargy by making a nutritious soup for a neighbor after birth.

A man decides to learn Torah when he's bored, even if he's not in the mood.

Both men & women turn to some kind of Torah learning when they find a free moment.

When feeling attacked, hopeless, angry, or sad, "regular" people still force themselves to respond with holiness by saying to Hashem "Thank you" or "Gam zu l'tovah." They may say Tehillim or simply remain silent, knowing that Hashem sees their pain & crowns them for their efforts. 

They make themselves sing & dance.

Even mundane activities can be uplifted into the realm of spiritual when used to fight darkness.

For example, people who feel depressed or beaten down and yet force themselves to wash the sink full of dirty dishes (or heck, even just one frying pan!) or to smile at a child or run an errand or go to sleep on time—this displays heroic effort.

In other words, they fight darkness with light.

And they take these acts and this character with them to the Next World.

(Furthermore...singing, dancing, talking to Hashem, learning by heart can all be done in a sensory deprivation chamber. But a completely materialistic person would never think to do that.)

Criminals kidnapped a wealthy man from the Jewish community of Columbia.

Unfortunately, kidnappings occur frequently throughout Central & South America.

They held him for several weeks, often in isolation, and sometimes tortured.

After his release, he stated that what saved his sanity were the Mishnayot he memorized as a child.

With so many endless hours in hostile isolation with no distraction, this not-so-frum man turned to the Mishna he learned in his childhood, recalling & reviewing whatever he remembered in his head.

All his wealth, staff, business acumen, and charisma did not help him in that situation.

Just the Mishna in his head.

He expressed profound gratitude for having been provided with that as a child because he saw that as the key to his mental survival. 

A while back, I wrote about the extraordinary Mrs. Kanner, a frum Jewish woman from Germany trapped in the Nazi vise:
Are We Still Longing for Aspects of Mitzrayim?

While imprisoned in the horrible transit camp of Nexon (a form of Gehinnom in This World), the formerly upper-class Mrs. Kanner found herself surrounded by fellow Jewish women who'd never experienced true Jewish substance.

(You can download a legally free PDF of the book here: http://www.shatteredcrystals.net/files/SHATTERED-CRYSTALS.pdf)

Deprived their whole lives of any soul-sustenance, these women turned to the only thing they knew: their former lives of non-Jewish decadence.

While suffering the deplorable conditions of Nexon, they mourned over their loss of fashionable clothing & meaningless time-fillers (like attending the Berlin opera).

Others sank into despair & silence.

It's all very understandable, needless to say.

After the post, a knowledgeable reader wrote sent me an email saying it reminded him of Bilaam in Gehinnom. 

Even today, the evil occultist Bilaam suffers the torments of Gehinnom—while yearning for the very lifestyle that dumped him there in the first place.

Now, I know some people will find the comparison extremely offensive.

These German Jewish ladies are more victims of circumstance and cannot be compared to the intentionally evil Bilaam.

However, I understood what he meant.

And it still fits the message Rav Dessler conveys.

When these women found themselves in an earthly version of he'der, they found themselves with no resources to combat that state. Instead, their misery increased by constantly longing for that which they could never again enjoy. (And lacked any substance anyway.) Like the Berlin opera and high-end fashion.

Yet Mrs. Kanner, habituated to chessed & tefillah, managed to turn to tefillah to help herself.

Yes, she was still miserable. She suffered cold, depression, hunger, diarrhea, and filth.

​But emotionally, she did not as much as the others.

Then, when a compassionate non-Jewish nurse named Frau Meder expressed the need for a helper, all the women rejected her request: one didn't feel skilled, one felt too weak (that's totally legitimate on starvation rations, BTW), one didn't enjoy dealing with sick people, and so on. 

As Mrs. Kanner recalled on page 171:

While weakness due to malnutrition or the lethargy of depression is understandable in such dehumanizing circumstances, assisting the nurse would obviously bring certain benefits, both material (like food) & emotional (doing something productive & being around a nice person), plus a potentially life-saving connection.

​And indeed, as Mrs. Kanner stated later (page 174):

Later, Frau Meder intervened to save Mr. & Mrs. Kanner from the upcoming deportation, and succeed in convincing the commandant that the Kanners were essential workers who must remain.

Again, I'm not condemning anyone for not rising to the occasion during genocide.

I've no idea how I would respond myself and find it both arrogant & obnoxious to assume I'd be better than anyone in that situation.

The point is simply this: Because Mrs. Kanner internalized certain Jewish principles (whether she meant to or not), she merited to both survive & be extracted from the earthly he'der Gehinnom in which she found herself.

(Of course, there are people who acted as she did, yet did not survive. Hashem has His unknowable calculations. However, the people who acted as she did, but did not survive Gehinnom on Earth, are certainly not in Gehinnom in the Next World! They are in a wonderful place.)

So this concept of detaching yourself from material vanities (VERY difficult to do in this generation when so many comforts are immediately accessible & even free!) & embracing truly good things of substance?

It benefits us both in This World and the Next (even if initially, it causes a lot of emotional suffering & frustration until you adjust). 

I hope you didn't find this post too depressing.

It really was meant to be uplifting.

I feel strongly that feeling meaning in the very real pain of restraint and self-denial alleviates that pain to some degree.

Plus, the above concept certainly gives us something to look forward to.

Certainly, the less attachment we feel to the material pleasures of This World translates into more pleasure in the Next.

But also those less attached to This World paradoxically tend to enjoy it more.

​And I wish that enjoyment for all of us.