When I first started my voyage into frumkeit, I noticed something in many frum homes, both in America & in Eretz Yisrael.

On the telephone was a sticker warning against lashon hara.

On the fridge hung a magnet warning against lashon hara.

Some homes even had an anti-lashon hara reminder on the front door.

It was also clear to me that it was the woman of the house who was so concerned about lashon hara.

In fact, I initially assumed that the Chafetz Chaim wrote his celebrated sefer for women!

I was shocked to discover that he'd written it as a general guide for all Jews, which was initially only studied by men.

It's very much to the credit of Jewish women that they embraced this sefer with so much heartfelt devotion & commitment.

Anyway, seeing these little stickers and magnets made a deep impression on me, even without me consciously realizing it at the time.

It impressed upon me the importance of the laws of lashon hara, which take profound discipline, emuna, and concern for others in order to uphold them.

And I noticed this same effect on many, many of my peers.

Again, the fact that Jewish women devoted themselves to an area of Jewish Law that demands such intense discipline, emuna, and compassion for others is a tremendous zechut for Am Yisrael.

Even when people stumbled in this area, it was still clear that lashon hara was a very big deal and not an area to be ignored.

When forging my identity as a Jewish woman, the halachot of lashon hara were an innate part of that new identity (even as I sometimes resented or misunderstood their boundaries).

Why?

Because of those female-applied stickers and magnets.

Now, this doesn't mean that I didn't trip up in this area.

But I was motivated to review the halachot and strive to uphold them BECAUSE of their importance and significance to the frum community.

And because I saw frum women discussing the halachot in casual conversation, because I saw stickers and magnets applied by frum women, and because I saw frum women accepting upon themselves certain hours to be exactingly makpid against speaking lashon hara and voluntarily participating in quizzes to strengthen their knowledge of lashon hara, it became part of my identity too — just like covering my hair after marriage or wearing long skirts or lighting Shabbat candles.

(Not that I was or am perfect about stuff, but it did give me a strong start AND the awareness to do teshuvah later on the areas in which I messed up.)

In other words, these magnets and stickers made an impact beyond their flimsy little appearance and were in fact, a tremendous kiddush Hashem.

Now.

​When these women initially stuck the stickers and magnets onto their appliances, what were they thinking?

Well, they were probably concerned with their own spiritual avodah. 

They were probably concerned that their other families benefit from these little reminders.

And they likely wanted to create a certain "We're careful about lashon hara" atmosphere for their children for reasons of chinuch.

Did any of them think that their little stickers and magnets were making a profound kiddush Hashem?

Unlikely.

Did they have any idea that their little stickers and magnets played a part in forging the identity for me and countless other Jewish girls?

VERY unlikely.

Think about it.

If I just stood at someone's door to pick up or drop off something for a moment, and the door was open wide enough for me to see the telephone on its little stand with a sticker on it — a sticker that I couldn't really read from that distance, but recognized it by it's white background and little red "forbidden" sign — then that was yet another (often unconscious) impression that this area of Torah was vitally important to the common Jew...and especially to the common Jewish woman.

So all the Jewish women with their little stickers and magnets actually made a tremendous kiddush Hashem and helped forge the feminine Jewish identity for countless Jewish women, especially those new to Torah Judaism.

And if you were or are one of those women with those stickers, signs, and magnets posted around, then this means YOU.

Thank you, and yashar ko'ach.

It's so, so important in today's climate for women to realize that you DON'T need to be this big ol' Amazon Superwoman who's "out there" and doing eye-popping stuff that would make a best-selling book in the frum community.

I mean, if you're good at doing eye-popping stuff and you can be that way for Hashem, then that's apparently what He wants you to do with your Amazon Superwoman kochot and your life.

So go for it with hatzlacha & bracha!

But what if you're not like that?

I remember reading a frum self-help book in which many stories of self-improvement ended with the person establishing and running an organization.

Like that was the moral of the story: Establish & run an organization.

Personally? The thought of establishing and running an organization makes me want to crawl under my blanket and never come out again.

In other words: way too overwhelming & stressful.

Huge gestures cannot be the only or even most lauded lesson of self-improvement stories. (They are simply more interesting to read about than small gestures.)

It's all about what Hashem sees, and not about what is really impressive in the eyes of society.

But just living your life according to halachah and continually striving to improve yourself is NO LESS AMAZING than being a frum Amazon Superwoman.

Your small yet sincere acts DO make a huge difference.

It makes a difference in Shamayim, and it also impacts your fellow Jews in positive ways you may never have imagined.

There's so much that we don't know, so much that we can't see, so it's vitally important to keep on going with the seemingly "small" stuff and our baby-steps (which are often actually massive leaps in the Upper Worlds).

Looking at what's going on in the world, I find myself growing increasingly concerned for the future.

And I'm far from being the first to come to this conclusion.

Right now, I don't want to go into the nitty-gritty of what we're all seeing and what I think it portends, but I do want to talk about the best response.

And it's not about prepping or making aliyah (which most Jews either won't or can't do right now anyway — and who even says that the Erev Rav leaders would allow millions of Jews, especially if they're frum, to enter?) or writing letters to representatives or newspapers, or signing petitions, and so forth.

(Although if those things will help, then it's good to do them. But they shouldn't be your sole focus.)

There's a lot we can't control and I think this creeping inability to positively affect opinions & situations is only going to increase.

So it's time to re-focus on an age-old authentically Jewish response:

Looking back at the classic parable by Rebbe Elimelech of Lizhensk (author of the classic Noam Elimelech):

He said that the End of Days will feel like a rope being jerked around.

Only the people who can hold on tight will make it.

This means that you already need to be holding on to the rope when it starts jerking & shaking.

Sure, if you're not already holding on, you can always make a lunge for the rope, hoping to grab onto it as it wildly whips around.

And maybe you'll find a place to grasp. Some people will, I'm sure.

But that's pretty risky.

Better to grab on to the rope NOW.

And to take the metaphor even further: 

Who has a better chance of hanging on:
​

• the person with only their index finger curled around the rope?

or

• the person who has wrapped their arms and legs around the rope and clings to it for dear life?

Or even better:

• the person who coiled that part of the rope around them, so even if their hands slip, they still can't fall off?

I don't know Hashem's Secrets & Cheshbonot, nor do I know the soul-tikkun of others, but it seems to me that part of the reason why so many people are having such a hard time, not just with obvious nisayonot, but with inner trials too. 

Their moods, their perceptions, their feelings...

So many people struggle with depression, despair, disappointment, anger, lethargy, apathy, feelings of rejection, loneliness, and distance from Hashem, and so on.

But those of you who fight your way out of these pits (even when you fall in again for the umpteenth time) are actually forging your connection to Hashem.

In other words, you are securing your grip on the rope.

It may not feel like it, but you are.

And that's exactly what we all need to strengthen ourselves to continue doing.

I'm not trying to be the Voice of Doom.

But if Mashiach doesn't come already, I think things are going to get increasingly more bizarre & difficult in the not-so-distant future.

And I think that focusing on strengthening our relationship with Hashem is a positive way of facing that future.

One of the funny things about Judaism is how it aims to achieve complete rectification of the entire Universe, from the simplest level to the most profound — and that this rectification is mostly carried out by very regular, flawed people.

People with a special Jewish neshamah? Yes.

But perfected people? Nope. Not yet anyway.

Hidden sparks need to be released, whether by saying a heartfelt 3-second blessing over a cup of water or by converting with heartfelt kavanah to accept all the mitzvot of the Torah.

There are many other acts, both deceptively simple and unfathomably difficult, that release trapped sparks, leading to the tikkun of the entire Universe. 

And while we have our exceptional people, and even tzaddikim, most of this all-encompassing tikkun is carried out by regular Jews.

Holy Jews, yes. But also flawed.

This tremendously heavy & all-encompassing mission is actually a compilation of a great many missions.

And as stated above, it is mostly being accomplished by holy yet FLAWED people.

With so much to do & of such importance, some things fall by the wayside or short-cuts get taken.

In other words, normal Torah Jews juggle so much, they sometimes drop the ball.

And that is NORMAL.

We have to stop demonizing ourselves and others for dropping the ball.

Please note: Tzaddikim have perfected themselves to the point where they don't drop the ball. They don't take short-cuts.

B'ezrat Hashem, we'll all reach that level.

But until then, we can't nitpick at each other's imperfections & struggles as long as we're all trying.

So for example, everyone needs to keep Shabbat.

And to do so demands a certain amount of organization & energy.

Some lucky people not only possess a natural ability to organize their lives & thrive on projects, they were also raised by parents who provided of good example of what ideal Shabbos preparations look like.

Others may possess the natural energy & ability to organize their lives & the an innate tendency to thrive on projects, but they never experienced the ideal example (whether because their family was always careening into Shabbat by the skin of their teeth or because they weren't raised with Shabbat).

Still others were raised to prepare for Shabbat in an ideal manner, yet they lack the innate energy & ability to organize, and they lack an enjoyment of projects and To-Do lists. So they technically know how, but it's a weekly challenge to get themselves to do it properly because their innate nature puts up resistance.

And still others lack both the energy & natural ability to organize, plus they feel stressed-out (rather than energized) by the tasks they face each week in honor of Shabbat. In addition, they have no rolemodel or positive conditioning for Shabbat-prep (again, either because their family didn't model organized preparations or because they didn't keep Shabbat).

So that last group has all the cards stacked against them.

Yet they too must prepare for & keep Shabbat.

And they too are a vital part of the necessary rectification.

Even if they careen into Shabbat in a disorganized, last-minute manner (which is not ideal), they are still participating in this all-important tikkun, with all its far-reaching rectifying ramifications.

As we all know: "Just one Shabbos and we'll all be free!"

If all Am Yisrael keeps one Shabbat, Mashiach will come.
(Shemot Rabbah 25:12, Yerushalmi Ta'anit 1:1)

This is true for the lovely, organized shomrei Shabbat and it is true for the disorganized, overwhelmed, and forgetful shomrei Shabbat.

Regardless of who you are & what you lack within you or without, you have been entrusted with the magnificent mission of rectifying the Universe through Shabbos.

Yes, even if you're not up to it and even if you keep stumbling around in it, you are still entrusted with this holy mission.

​And we need to recognize this in each other too, even if we don't have those challenging issues.

And this is true for every aspect of mitzvah-observance.

I think we've all noticed that different people excel at different mitzvot, while those same people really struggle with other mitzvot.

And different people struggle with different mitzvot for different reasons.

For example, some struggle with tsniut (dressing & behaving with dignity) due to a strong attraction toward the latest fashions and behaviors.

(Note: Tsnius applies to men too, but in a different way & less intensely than for women.)

Yet others struggle with tsnius because they can't be bothered with what feels like fussy details. These types may not give a whit about fashion, but they just want to be comfortable and get on with life. So it's genuinely hard for them to pay attention to whether their elbows, neckline, knees, and hair are covered just right.

Yet others just love tsnius and even look for extra measures to take on. They feel so good when their clothes, make-up (if they wear any), and behavior fit the standards of a Torah daughter of the King — even if by secular modern standards, they look quaint or frumpy.

​But with the decreasing availability of tsnius clothes & shaitels, some women may be forced to take short-cuts. If the only tsnius shirt available is one with a less-than-flattering color or cut for her, then that's what she chooses.

Therefore, she may find it harder too look really good according to modern secular standards.

Because of this, she might have a less varied wardrobe too.

Many people don't like to hear this kind of thing.

It's common to say, "If it's really important, then you find the time/money/resources/motivation to do it."

People expect others (especially women) to jump through any & all hoops necessary just to achieve whatever they're expected to achieve in other people's minds.

And the expectations in all areas are very, very high.

But many people feel so overwhelmed that they're barely squeaking by emotionally and physically.

Yet they keep on trying their best.

And so you need to realize that Hashem finds them beautiful.

​And if you're struggling to do it (even if you don't do it according to top standards), He finds you beautiful too.

I once sat in a class in which an emotionally intense woman stated that she invests all her self-discipline in her students and her children, and doesn't feel she has much left for anyone else.

She is not innately patient or calm or deliberate. Yet with her children and students, she does everything she can to be more patient, calm, and deliberate, and to be the mother or teacher they need.

Yet this means that in other social situations, she acts more impulsively, she speaks out more and with less tact, she can come off as a bit overbearing, and so on. Yet she was never mean at all. She's a very good-hearted person.

But it takes all her strength to hold everything together for her kids and her students; so with others, the cracks start forming and the flawed stuff leaks out.

Now, it goes without saying that she needs to work on her middot ALL the time, and not just with her children & students. And she seems to realize that. 

But she needs to start somewhere, and at that time, her initial focus was on her children & her students. Hopefully, she would eventually spread her focus toward others.

So was she right or wrong?

Well, she was both right & wrong.

And that's NORMAL! She's a work-in-progress — just like we all are.

The fact is that she's doing a tremendous amount: She's granting a good foundation in Judaism to little Jewish girls, she's raising a large family, she lives in the constant stress of financial constraint, she needs to be a good wife to her husband, she needs to give tzedakah, keep Shabbat, keep on top of the kashrut of the kitchen, she needs to guard her tongue, and much, much more.

And it's a lot!

And so certain things fall by the wayside and balls get dropped.

​And what's true for her is true for all of us until we reach a certain level.

So you will see frum people who are doing so many good things, but still struggle with certain middot: the middot that they find most challenging, whether because of their innate nature or their upbringing or both.

So a Jew will constantly invest in many mitzvot, but may do at least one of the following:

• say blessings or daven without proper kavanah
• be forgetful
• speak in an abrupt or less than tactful manner (I'm not talking about abuse or nastiness)
• procrastinate
• act hyper
• get frazzled & stressed-out
• eat too much 
• eat the wrong foods (and not out of lack of funds to buy healthier foods)
• don't invest a great deal in their appearance
• spend too much
• spend too little
• talk too much
• misjudge situations
• act impulsively
• get trapped in indecision
• be kind of messy
• and much, much more.

And different people also hold different priorities about what they let slide.

You may not agree with them & I may not agree with them, and they may not agree with my or your priorities, but that's how it goes.

For example, people who tend to speak a bit too abruptly will tell you that they don't have the head-space or the patience to communicate differently. (Again, I'm not talking about people who enjoying shooting verbal barbs or hurting people.)

Often (though not always), they run their lives well and invest in good middot in other areas, but their communication style falls by the wayside as they feel overwhelmed by everything else.

I knew another person who was somewhat hyper & impulsive, with a bit of a stubborn streak that made her hard to deal with in certain situations.

But she was completely trustworthy never to speak a word of lashon hara. And I saw her in challenging situations, the kind in which even very good people tend to fail.

Not her.

She was amazing at guarding her tongue, whether regarding groups or individuals. She was also a very dedicated wife & mother. And she had an excellent work ethic.

All in all, she really meant to be a good person, and the areas which others found difficult were minor compared to her good points.

Do people need to work on all the behaviors listed above?

Yes, absolutely!

Including in the above examples, at some point, those people need to work on the communication style, their eating habits, and their hyperactivity.

Regardless of the fact that people need to work on all their middot, it's natural to still stumble in their weak points.

Some middot still fall by the wayside. (But hopefully, not for their whole life.)

​​So Jews who are doing the right thing overall and are at least trying to do the right thing are bringing about the rectification of the world.

And again, when you really think about it, it's funny that regular people are entrusted with this mission.

After all, we wouldn't send off an untrained soldier on a mission on which his whole country depends.

Look at America's Green Berets and all the training they must not only complete, but excel in before they are entrusted with their special missions.

Yet that's exactly the opposite of what Hashem does with us.

He sends us off on a life-long mission, sometimes with full resources, but just as often with very limited resources, and we need to develop the necessary resources along the way. 

And we're supposed to continue this mission even when we're hungry, pregnant, sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, exhausted, overworked, ill, or suffering allergies or migraines.

And we are supposed to achieve rectification of the Universe in this way.

Pretty heavy stuff.

Today, many people feel like they're shooting in the dark.

They're sliding into base just as the ball hits the baseman's glove.

There is so much information available today ​— yet so much of it is contradictory. (And this doesn't even begin to cover the heavy-duty self-promotion behind this information; even if the information is pretty good, it might still need some adjustments.)

Finding what works for you in your individual situation is a challenge.

So you drop the ball, you take a short-cut, you stumble, you careen, you let something fall by the wayside...

As long as you are trying to fulfill your God-given mission of rectifying the Universe via Torah & mitzvot, you are very beautiful in Hashem's Eyes.

And so are the other flawed people who are trying their best to uphold the Torah's commands.

As touched on in a previous post, Why are an Increasing Number of Us Looking to be Whacked Upside the Head?, we're seeing an increase in the attraction to a more say-it-like-it-is approach.

Speakers and writers who tell us things we don't necessarily want to hear have risen in popularity. Some even have quite a large & passionate following.

The question is why?

Let's start by looking at those who came from a non-Jewish background.

How many of those people feel lied to?

How many of those people sensed something missing from their life (either early on or later), but feel lied to about what that was?

​How many feel betrayed on some level by their former not-frum or not-Jewish society?

Here are some lies (both spoken & unspoken) people were brainwashed to believe:

• Killing unborn babies is not only completely permissible, but even compassionate.
• People who are pro-life are heartless fanatics who care nothing about babies or women.
• The Tanach is not true.
• Jewish Law is optional; feel free to pick and choose!
• God is optional.
• God is three.
• The movement for Conservative (which is actual very liberal) Judaism is a completely legitimate form of Judaism; in fact, they follow Hillel while those Orthodox Jews follow Shammai.
• The Reform movement is a completely legitimate form of Judaism.
• What God? What Judaism?
• There's no din and no Dayan; the most important thing is that you're happy.
• Premarital relations are perfectly fine and even ideal as long as contraception is used. There are no emotional or spiritual repercussions.
• Marriage & children are so undesirable and put such a damper on your life, they should be pushed off for as long as possible, and you should do everything else first.
• If you ever feel down or bad about yourself, it's only because you lack self-esteem.
• Feminism is only good and has only improved life for females; there is no downside to it.
• Vegetarians & vegans are morally superior to others. They are better people overall.
• Having a physical relationship with someone of your own gender is perfectly normal and should be sanctioned by society, including marriage, and any one who thinks otherwise is an ignorant phobic bigot who should be shunned.
• Republicans = Bad.
• Democrats = Good.
• Liberalism is The Moral Path.
• All you need is love.
• [Fill in the blank.]

People feel betrayed by the society that didn't care enough to give them basic morality.

People resent things they did, not realizing at the time how bad it was for them.

People resent things that were done to them because there was nothing in society that validated their quashed feeling that those things actually weren't okay after all.

For example, it took me a while to realize that the movement for Conservative (which is actual very liberal) Judaism is actually a form of spiritual abuse.

They teach you a lot of stories from Tanach, which for a child especially touches the soul. The soul senses that these stories are true in a profound way. Then they yank the rug out from under you by telling you that these events either aren't really true or that the heroes of these events are just regular Joes — or maybe even less.

(For example, people from this movement who do separate meat & dairy love to tell you that Avraham Avinu did not actually keep kosher due to the way a verse is phrased. Telling them how the mefarshim explain this does no good. Why? Because they have a great ego need to feel frummer. It justifies all their aveirot.)

So your soul knows it's true, but you're being quashed and repressed into this lie.

It's spiritual agony, but there's not outlet for the pain.

Once you're frum (or if you're frum from birth), you might run into the following:

• Rabbis, rebbetzins, teachers, or advisers who misrepresent Torah.

 

• An "I'm okay, you're okay" approach to very serious aspects of Judaism that are not at all represented in any mussar sefer — ​and seem to even be against halacha.

 

• Religious hypocrisy

 

• Kosher-certified classes that claim to be derived from Torah and promise to be The Best Way to whatever you desperately need, yet not only don't work (no matter how hard you try) but you also discover that most of it is taken from Western psychology (i.e. the very world you left for Torah Judaism, if you're not FFB)

 

• No matter how much advice you followed & how much you prayed and did segulot, the person still died, you're still not married, the spouse still left (or is still extremely difficult), the child still went off the derech, the finances still went South, certain family members are still impossible to deal with, your life is one big disappointing mess, and so on.

​

• [Fill in the blank.]

​When people not only can't get what they want, but can't get what they've been told is a huge mitzvah that Hashem wants (i.e., marriage, children, getting children into good schools, etc.), then it can throw them into crisis.

In this case, some people might prefer being told about heavy din or the harsh signs of Mashiach or how other people who either refuse to or can't improve (like Erev Rav or "Jews" who aren't actually Jewish if you check their yichus) are messing things up.

The straight-shootin' speakers & writers often validate your experiences without invalidating your faith.

These straight-shooters will readily acknowledge that certain cliches you've been fed are actually not true, that religious hypocrisy exists and is a problem, that not every person with rabbinical ordination is actually reliable, and so on.

Contrary to embittered former frummies who left the derech after facing problems, these people DON'T want to reject Hashem and His Torah.

​They believe in Hashem and the Truth of His Torah.

They realize that problems and disappointments don't negate our obligations and the resulting din.

But they do need to find someone they can trust, someone who sees what they see, and does so without losing their religion. They want guidance on how to grow in emuna & bitachon despite all the challenges.

And the straight-shooters usually offer them that valuable combination.

I know that when I've read or heard something by Rav Shalom Arush or Rav Avigdor Miller that supports an observation I've had but never felt comfortable admitting, then that strengthens their position in my eyes.

It's like, "Oh! Someone finally said it! I'm not crazy; the emperor really ISN'T wearing clothes!"

And then I listen very closely to hear what else they want to tell me. 

On the other hand, people want very much to hear about emuna, Hashem's Love & Compassion, the importance of baby-steps in the right direction, and so on.

But because it's increasingly sounding like hippie rainbow children, it's hard for people to know what's REAL JUDAISM.

So when, for example, Rav Avigdor Miller tells you that literally anyone can do teshuvah no matter what the sin, or that if you thought about Hashem for one minute in a shop, "You're a great person already!" or that even one minute a day of thinking about Hashem makes that entire a day "a success" and is "tremendous achievement" that means that "You’re one out of ten thousand (pg. 16)," you believe it because he also said things like:

And:

And:

Because Rav Miller says bitter truths without holding back, so we can also trust him when he tells us:

And:

And:

And:

Is there a problem with being attracted to no-holds-barred speakers?

It depends.

If the speaker is a sincere person coming from the right place, then they also emphasize derech eretz & good middot toward others, and coming close to Hashem.

Furthermore, many tell-it-like-it-is speakers are much gentler when speaking one-on-one. 

Why?

When you're speaking to someone face-to-face, you're looking them in the eye and any tochachah is no longer absorbed by a group, but it's very personal and direct.

Furthermore, when someone has accepted the mussar and is requesting further guidance there is no need to be tough with that person. They got it! Now they need to be brought close with the loving right hand.

If the tell-it-like-it-is speaker is just running on the steam of his or her own ego, then it's questionable how much real Torah you're getting.

​But if it's real, it can be very good.

​Because it's the Truth.

So these are the main reasons why I think people are more & more attracted to speakers & writers who tell it like it is — ​even if you don't like it or it's bitter to swallow.
​

• People are fed up with being lied to.
• People are sick of obfuscations with regard to Torah (including by some frum people).
• People are sick of obfuscations with regard to morality (including by some frum people).
• People want to hear good & encouraging things — but ONLY if they're true and therefore, only from people they can trust to also tell them the bitter truths too.
• People who are trying very hard to improve are sick of those who could not be bothered to try, or who are even very bad, portrayed as getting a free ride (when they're actually not).

​
That's just my take on it. It would be interesting to see more reasons why many people are increasingly attracted to this style.

A couple of weeks ago, I came across a couple of stories similar to what appeared in Are We Still Longing for Aspects of Mitzrayim? 

In Lea Fuchs Chayen's book From the Depths I Call (also written about in Feeling the Pain of Another Jew's Sin), a variety of responses to the horrific events are described.

I can't & don't judge them because it's impossible for anyone to know how any of us would respond in the same situation, may we never be tested by such things.

Of course, I would love to think I'd be like Lea or any of her awe-inspiring friends...like the group of 5 sisters who survived the death camps together — and even "adopted" another young teenage girl (simply because they felt bad that she was all alone), making it a group of 6.

​This is particularly jaw-dropping because everyone was starving & freezing, and splitting food and other resources among 5 girls is already heroic, let alone adopt a 6th girl into the group. 

Or the teenage girl who literally saved Lea's life by giving Lea the girl's own crocheted undershirt in the winter, which left the girl with only one layer to withstand the elements — and again, in a terribly emaciated state amid inhuman conditions.

It's all such mind-bogglingly heroic compassion.

So yes, I would love to imagine myself responding as gloriously as those Jewish girls, but I can't deny that I could just as easily respond like the girl Lea describes in the death camp who suddenly fell into the delusion that she was an SS dog, and spent the entire night outside the barracks barking terribly and trying to bite people — until she was "taken away."

Or the other teenage Kapo girl who'd been at the death camp so long, she lost her humanity. She screamed abuse at her fellow Jewish girls and used her metal stick freely.

(And even though Lea suffered the Kapo's terrible verbal abuse and gets struck in the head by the metal stick, she compassionately refers to this Kapo as "Poor girl, how long has she been here in Birkenau?...She looks totally mad.") 

Early on, Lea notes that the conditions are created specifically to reduce the Jews to animalistic or lunatic behavior, to destroy their souls before destroying their bodies.

In other words, the mental deterioration was clearly part of the Nazi plot and not just a result of the ongoing genocide, but a deliberate part of the whole idea.

Somehow, Lea has the presence of mind to realize this and is able to mentally & spiritually resist this aspect of the Nazi destruction.

So yes, I would LIKE to think that I'd be like Lea and her friends.

But who can really be so confident of themselves?

So we don't judge the less ideal responses & we don't feel superior.

At the same time, we can still glean lessons that apply to us even now.

One of the young women Lea knows from her home town in Hungary was a gymnastics teacher.

Upon first arriving at the death camp, this lovely young gymnastics teacher whispers encouragement to Lea, confident that when their shaved heads grow hair again, their hair will be even nicer & stronger than it was before. Regarding their now-bare feet, the gymnastics teacher whispers that it's actually healthier to walk without shoes and that in a week or two, they will not even notice the lack of footwear.

It's worth noting that Lea and the others are only saved temporarily and "accidentally."

There was not enough room in the gas chambers when they arrived. So they're only being held until there's a lag in the deadly transports for their "turn." 

And Lea was desperate to leave the death camp — but not to avoid death.

At that point, she didn't care about life and was actually disappointed she had not died with her family.

However, Lea could not bear the constant smell of burning Jews, accompanied at night by the sight of flames against the dark sky.

This is in addition to the vile conditions, the crazed Kapos, the demonic female SS commanders and their evilly trained dogs, the constant verbal & physical abuse, and the constant threat of a torturous death.

The girls soon discovered that one could volunteer for slave labor in a German factory.

Volunteering meant getting a number tattooed on the forearm before being sent off for slave labor, but that was not a deterrent for Lea or the other girls — except for one young woman: the former gymnastics instructor.

When she and Lea discussed the option of leaving the camp by volunteering for slave labor (which meant a tattoo on the forearm), the gymnastics instructor refused, telling Lea, "imagine what a tattooed arm would look like in an elegant evening dress."

Now.

We don't judge this young woman. We don't imagine we would be better.

Furthermore, holding onto the hope that she will survive and live again is a very strong aspect of survival.

For example, Lea also spoke of her old home life with her friends in the slave labor at the factories. This helped her retain her authentic self.

​However, Lea remembered learning Tehillim with mefarshim with her father, seudah shlishis meals in the garden in the summer, her parents' chessed, her grandparents' piety, her older sisters' engagements & weddings & visits with their young children — not elegant evening dresses and the occasions that demand such dresses.

Also, Lea sat with her father at one point during the terrible time before they were transported, and received a clear psak about when she was allowed to commit suicide (only if she was about to be violated). Baruch Hashem, things never reached that point and she later wrote that this psak formed a strong foundation for her survival resolve.

Yes, Lea was lucky that her family remained sincerely frum amid the anti-Torah ideologies that infected Europe, so Lea's memories & inner world contained meaningful content that helped her survive, both mentally & spiritually.

What I mean to focus on is the attachment to the idea of an evening gown (and not a long-sleeved garment that would cover the forearm) and all that entails, and latching on to this idea to the point that, even as you smell your own people burning and see the flames against the sky, you are only concerned about how you'll look in an evening gown.

Meaning, I want to survive this horrific genocide of millions of Jews in Europe for...what?

And who brought the culture of evening gatherings with evening gowns?

The Magyar nobility & the cultured German elite.

These are the same people who crammed you into a ghetto in Hungary, tortured your wealthy ones for their hidden treasures, packed you into inhuman cattle cars, and are burning your people — with the intention of you next in line.

Lea doesn't say what the gymnastics instructor's background is, but if the evening gown culture is what she falls back on, then maybe she didn't have anything else in her background to cling to.

And who is to blame for that?

(Not her, in my opinion.) 

Similarly, Lea later meets a thirtysomething Jewish woman in the slave labor factory. 

Lea's impression of the woman is that she led a rather "dissolute" lifestyle prior to the Nazi invasion. (In other words, she was not only not religious at all, but didn't lead such a savory life by social standards either.)

At one point, right before the end of the war, Lea, this thirtysomething woman, and the other girls found themselves being transported in an open boxcar full of snow.

They were all on the verge of death from starvation and overwork. Lea describes them lying there like "zombies."

Suddenly, Lea manages to pull herself together and remember her resolution to keep track of the Jewish calendar. Realizing that she has not announced the Jewish date for the last 2 days, Lea announces the Jewish date and day of the week, including the startling fact that the next day will be Purim.

Then Lea (despite her near-death "zombie" state) gives chizuk to everyone by expressing the hope that in a few years time, they would all be celebrating Purim in their own homes, surrounded by their families, and finding it difficult to believe then what they were going through now.

(Lea admits that she herself did not believe what she was saying, but her desire to give chizuk & hope on the verge of death in such hopeless circumstances was admirable. Furthermore, it ended up being somewhat true for Lea, who married a wonderful religious Jew with whom she had healthy children, and they indeed celebrated many Purims together.)

To this, the thirtysomething woman said, "Who is Purim?"

Lea then told her a Hungarian word: Farsang.

(Evidently, this woman was so far removed from Judaism, she hadn't even heard of Purim. Also, I looked this up and apparently Farsang doesn't even mean "Purim," but it simply refers to a seemingly pagan-based Hungarian carnival. Again, it probably wasn't her fault. If she'd never heard of Purim, then she was probably raised without any Torah.)

The woman then said, "Every one of you is crazy if you have nothing else to think of."

Then she turned to Lea and invited Lea to visit her "after the war" in her "elegant apartment in Budapest" where she would receive Lea in her "most elegant clothes" while sporting her "long platinum blonde hair."

Again, without being judgmental, the contrast here is striking. 

Lea gives the girls real chizuk by encouraging them to look forward to a time when they'll be living Torah lives among a Jewish family home life.

This is something really live for.

Yet this thirtysomething woman not only derides merely thinking about Torah life as "crazy," but shares her own hope that she will be living a decadent, empty lifestyle once again.

Again, the point of these stories is not to point fingers.

Well, not to point fingers at anyone except ourselves, anyway.

Why?

Because there are lessons here for us, mussar for us.

For our fellow Jews in those times, when everything was stripped away, you had people yearning for Purim & you had other people yearning for evening gowns.

In other words, you had people looking forward to renewing a Jewish life & you had people looking forward to renewing a non-Jewish life.

I'm not talking about people so traumatized that they couldn't believe in God anymore.

I'm not talking about people who became crazy or violent in a crazy & violent hell not of their making.

I'm talking about people who at their very essence (through no fault of their own) had nothing to hold on to except the very culture (Europe/Esav) that created this horror in the first place.

And I've been really thinking a lot about this myself:

• Who am I?

 

• How much Yiddishkeit have I really internalized?

 

• Do I have yearnings for aspects of a non-Torah lifestyle?

 

• Is there any part of me that still yearns for Mitzrayim and its ridiculous cucumbers and meaningless fleshpots even as I am surrounded by Ananei Kavod (Clouds of Glory) and feasting on mann? (so to speak)

Looking around today, how many people would chose to stay in a death camp in the hope of a WiFi connection or to see who wins in their favorite reality show?

How many people's main fantasy would be about regaining their Twitter account or their feel-good drugs (legal or illegal) or their Harry Potter books "after the war"?

You can go on and on with this list because the bombardment of "Mitzrayim" has never been as powerful or as all-encompassing as in our generation (which is melamed zechut on us, but still).

It's always hard to produce a post like this (and thus, I've only done it a few times) because it can so easily be misunderstood as judging people I've no right to judge and feeling holier-than-thou about people who were usually much better than me.

That's not how I feel & that's not what this is about.

Like I said, how do I know that I wouldn't be a violent cursing Kapo or a barking & biting dog-girl or living for the sake of an evening gown?

I don't know that I wouldn't!

Who can believe in their own goodness with so much confidence?

Not me.

The point is to ask myself:

• Who am I REALLY?

 

• How deep & internalized are my Torah values?

 

• How nourished is my neshamah?

​And it's not to prepare ourselves for a similar test — b'ezrat Hashem, we will NEVER be tested in such a way!

On a practical level, we can ask ourselves what we're eager to do when we have some free time to ourselves:

Are we eager to:

• read that novel that's kind of kosher, but anyway, we just skim over the not-so-kosher parts
• check social media
• finish off the all the leftover Shabbos desserts
• fume & obsess (with no practical benefit) over the behavior of a co-worker, boss, family member, or someone I saw on the street

Or do we look to utilize that time to:

• Make some kind of cheshbon hanefesh
• Daven Mincha
• Talk to Hashem as we would our Best Friend
• Write or verbalize a gratitude list
• Listen to a shiur 
• ​Read a dvar Torah or learn halacha
• Spend time with my child
• ​Spend time with anyone else who needs it

Of course, this list can also go on.

​And yes, there are also mundane yet necessary things, like running errands, taking a much-needed nap, exercising, and so on, that are worthy endeavors.

For example, if you skimp on buying your child some much-needed new shoes or let necessary foods run out because you're saying Tehillim, then that does not make you a spiritual person.

The point is one of priorities.
 
Probably many of us wobble between the two sides.

Sometimes we spend our time wisely and meaningfully, and sometimes we indulge our baser nature.

Yet any step we can take in the higher direction can eventually lead to amazing spiritual progress.

The point is that by making ourselves as Torahdik on the inside as the outside (if not even more) and by nourishing our neshamah so much that it will naturally produce illumination in even the harshest times, then we are achieving both personal and National tikkun.

In other words, we'll be accomplishing what Hashem put us here for as individuals and also what Hashem wants to achieve through Am Yisrael.

It also sweetens din, both on the personal level and for the whole world.

Discovering how our Gedolim respond to different situations helps us to respond with seichel yashar too.
 
In Hidabroot (sorry, I couldn’t find the same article in English), the following story appears (originally published with Dirshu) regarding Rav Shteinman ztz"l at the age of 95. (Source)
 
Rav Nachum Bernstein escorted an unnamed recent baal teshuvah to Rav Shteinman.

Rav Bernstein introduced the baal teshuvah as his talmid, saying, “This Jew has come a long way from the upbringing he received. Today, he merits to toil in Torah and to grow in mitzvot and yirat Shamayim. Yet there is one mitzvah he has not been capable of upholding and he has stumbled in this mitzvah time after time…”
 
At this point, the unnamed Jew burst into bitter tears and said, “I’ve done everything I can! I devote myself to Torah and, baruch Hashem, succeed in keeping most of the mitzvot. Only regarding this mitzvah, I’m not managing to prevail. Again and again, I stumble and the yetzer distracts me from my path. Again and again, I stumble and I don’t succeed in prevailing. Please, HaRav, what is there to do? How it is possible to cope?”
 
Both the frustrated baal teshuvah and the dedicated rabbi expected Rav Shteinman to offer either a segulah or practical advice.
 
To their surprise, Rav Shteinman rose to his full height and warmly clasped the hand of the baal teshuvah, then Rav Shteinman repeatedly hugged and kissed him.
 
With tears in his eyes, Rav Shteinman said, “Oy, how I envy you, how I envy you…all the merits you collect each time you DO manage to overcome yourself, how much eternal reward awaits you…I envy you!”
 
Rav Shteinman lovingly clasped the man’s hand again. “You’re a wonderful tzaddik, a rare tzaddik. It’s so difficult for you to cope, and yet you continue to strive and you keep trying. Despite everything, you keep fighting. The Creator of the World is proud of people like you; I am full of envy toward you!”
 
Everyone in the room was stunned.
 
Then Rav Shteinman requested that the baal teshuvah return soon because Rav Shteinman wanted to meet again with a person of such spiritual greatness.
 
A few months later, the pair returned and Rav Shteinman immediately remembered the struggling man. Rav Shteinman asked how he was doing and coping.
 
Now the man was managing a lot better and stumbling only occasionally. Yet again, Rav Shteinman became very excited and hugged the man with great warmth. “I’m thrilled to merit meeting a man like you! You succeed in prevailing, you fight like a lion—I’m proud of you. Ashreicha, how goodly is your portion!”
 
And the rav invited the man to visit him again in the near future.
 
At the third meeting, the man was able to report that he hadn’t stumbled even once since the last time they met.
 
In response, Rav Shteinman rose from his chair, kissed the man on the forehead, and said, “You are not a holy Jew—you are literally the Holy of Holies!” 

​Unfortunately, society (particularly psychology and psychiatry) often define us by our flaws: narcissist, borderline, alcoholic, depressed, hyperactive, drama queen, ADD, etc.
 
Even worse, people who genuinely struggle yet fail are often considered equal to those who do not try at all. If you’ve ever had this happen to you (and I have), it’s soul-destroying.
 
No matter how hard you try (and no matter how awful your nisayon is), some people will consider you just as bad as someone who never tries at all, consider you just as bad as people who not only won’t even acknowledge they possess a particular flaw, but also never show remorse for their behavior.
 
(Interestingly, the worst offenders of this kind of judgment are often people who would never even manage for one week in your difficult nisayon, let alone struggle as you do. Hmm…)
 
This kind of condemnation is very destructive.
 
It is also irrational and just plain wrong.
 
Yet many people feed into this distorted thinking.
 
You’re condemned for having the flaw (even though EVERYONE has flaws) and given absolutely no credit for fighting it.
 
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
 
Backwards, backwards, backwards.
 
So one of the Gedolei Hador, a tzaddik, responds in exactly the opposite manner, contrary to many.
 
The tzaddik is full of praise for the man for trying.
 
Look, at the first meeting the guy admitted that he was failing a lot. He was basically a failure in this particular area.
 
Except that he wasn’t.
 
Despite knowing that the man was losing far more rounds than he’d won, Rav Shteinman was full of praise and admiration because the man was trying.
 
Rav Shteinman praised the man’s struggle.
 
This is why it’s so important to try to get into the mindset of a Gadol. They think very differently than regular people, and their thinking is so much healthier—because it’s based on TRUTH.

​Likewise, in Words of Faith, Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender describes a handful of people with some pretty unappealing flaws, people who spent a lot of time crying at Rebbe Nachman’s grave, begging Hashem to help them overcome their yetzer hara.
 
Despite (or maybe because of) the fact that Rav Bender not only lacked these particular flaws, but probably could not personally relate to weakness on the level that it plagued these guys, Rav Bender spoke of them with admiration.
 
As far as Rav Bender was concerned, you may not be able to help how you were born (or later corrupted, in one case), but you can decide how you respond to your weak points. And crying out to Hashem and struggling against the yetzer hara is exactly the right way to respond.
 
So Rav Bender spoke of these strugglers with admiration and fondness.

​Why didn’t Rav Bender tell these pained strugglers, “Eew, yuck” or “Just get a hold of yourself already, fruitcake!” or “Stop being so melodramatic. Get over yourself already”? Or stare at them in silent horror or suspicion or distaste to make them feel REALLY defective?
 
I think it has to do with humility.
 
In an earlier post (True Greatness Revealed in the Seemingly Small Stuff), we saw how Rav Shteinman revealed profound self-awareness that his placidity in the face of terrible stress may just be his nature and not necessarily true emunah.
 
He was digging down deep to make sure that his tranquility was coming from real emunah and not from some naturally occurring disassociative state.
 
Likewise, Rav Bender also struggled with aspects of himself, albeit not to the extent that some of his fellow Breslovers did.
 
So how does a Torah-oriented mind respond?
 
WOW. That’s a REALLY big nisayon. Gosh. I haven’t had to face a yetzer hara like that. (Or, if they have, they know how hard it is & appreciate the effort involved.) That’s such a tough battle. Whoa, think of all the reward involved for winning a battle like that!
 
Seeing the world through spiritual eyes is very different than seeing the world through eyes of ego or gaavah.
 
The following has been posted before, but Rav Akiva Rabinowitz’s words (from Rav Ofer Erez’s Ahavat Kedumim, pg. 170) are always worth repeating:

​One of my sons attends an excellent Sephardi charedi yeshivah.
 
During the Nine Days, this son & 2 friends happened upon the owner of a small factory who was burning extraneous twigs and branches, when by doing so, this owner accidentally set his own factory on fire.
 
The owner quickly brought a bucket to a nearby faucet that released a weak trickle of water, then he threw whatever water he managed onto the fire.
 
The water merely turned to steam with a hiss, and the fire kept expanding.
 
My son sought out the fire-fighting apparatus required in any factory. He found a glass box with a hose in it, but no connection to any fire-extinguishing source.

​No hand-held fire extinguisher either.
 
Then my son sought out a water source and found a rusty pump in the bushes. He and his 2 yeshivah friends connected the hose to the pump and assisted the owner in putting out the fire.
 
At some point, the authorities arrived and my son and his friends left.
 
Later, a man who knew both the boys and the owner met up with the boys and said that the owner got fined for not having his fire-safety equipment up to date.
 
“And do you know what a big kiddush Hashem you guys did?” said the man.
 
No, they didn’t. They just saw an older man struggling with a fire and it never occurred to them NOT to help him.

It turns out that the owner was a Mapainik.

​MaPAI [Mifleget Poalei Eretz Yisrael—The Party of Workers of the Land of Israel) was Ben-Gurion’s political party. It was also the party of the old-time kibbutzim, Moshe Sharret, Levi Eshkol, and Golda Meir. It later merged with other Leftist parties to form the present-day Labor party.
​
Often described as “left of center,” it was basically Communist. Utter disdain of charedim was self-understood in Mapai.
 
So this die-hard Mapainik was shocked that charedi yeshivah bachurs would help him with such zerizut—especially since the fire had been his fault.
 
Furthermore, despite him being the older and “wiser” hotshot Mapainik and them being (in his eyes) the backwards & foolish yeshivah bachurs, it was the yeshivah bachurs who succeeded in figuring out the most effective way to put out the fire—in HIS factory.
 
So they were altruistic too, which also ran against his stereotype of the selfish, self-absorbed charedi Jew.
 
This is clearly an example of what psychology calls “projection” and what the Gemara describes as “kol hapossel, b’mumo possel”—every person who invalidates another (based on a particular flaw) is actually basing this invalidation on a flaw that he himself possesses too.
 
So this owner assumed that charedim would hate him too much to help him because HE hates charedim too much to help THEM. (Or so I surmise. I don’t know him at all. But why else was he so flabbergasted by their assistance? I mean, this IS Israel. Most passers-by would help. Naturally.)
 
The owner wanted their names and to thank them.
 
Needless to say, the boys weren’t looking to make a kiddush Hashem.

​They just responded to the situation with the Torah values (and Gemara-sharpened brains) they’d internalized. It hadn’t occurred to them to think or respond in any other way.

​I also think that Hashem is trying to give this old Mapainik a chance to do teshuvah.

​The founders and leaders of Mapai took over the government, the media, and the schools back when this Mapainik was a youngster.
 
How much of chance did he really stand against their agenda?
 
But now, Hashem brought him 3 yeshivah bachurs who shocked him with their quick thinking, competency, and compassion.

Hashem could've brought the old Mapainik other helpers. I mean, after all, this IS Israel and most people would help in this situation.

But Hashem davka sent 3 yeshivah bachurs to help this guy.
 
And he’s good enough to both take note and appreciate their efforts.
 
This event clearly caused him to think differently (and more positively) about Torah-observant Jews.
 
Maybe he’ll start thinking differently (and more positively) about the Torah too.
 
Hashem loves everybody and wants us all to do teshuvah.
 
And I think the accidental fire was this old Mapainik’s opening to change.

I hope so, anyway.

UPDATE at end of post...

(pg. 39)
 
Awe-inspiring.

​And indeed, those very aspects are exactly what made her (and us, if we adhere to them too) superior to any kind of Amalekite barbarians, no matter how polished & cultured they otherwise seem.

It also should comfort parents of vibrant children that, much to the distress of Lea’s parents, Lea would pitch back the stones that the non-Jewish Hungarian children pitched at her when she was a child walking home from school.
 
This strong-willed girl grew into a wonderfully strong Jewish woman.
 
Her ability to remain so mindful throughout her torturous enslavement attests to her extraordinary soul.
 
At one point, she stated a tremendous zechut for Am Yisrael, telling Hashem that no other people would remain as loyal as the Jews throughout such suffering.

When Lea joined 40 other girls for Chanukah candle-lighting in the death camp, Lea told them that this light—a potato that held some oil and threads ripped out of their own clothing—represented the spirit of freedom and Netzach Yisrael—the Eternity of Israel.
 
And she was absolutely right.
 
Lea also describes the different types of mental & character deterioration she witnessed, and also the heroic acts of compassion and support she both witnessed and personally experienced.

​The second half of the book deals with her rehabilitation and what came after liberation, all described with her characteristic candor.
 
At one point, Lea was faced with the opportunity to travel on Shabbos (not for pikuach nefesh) and at that tipping point, she chose to refrain from unnecessarily transgressing Shabbat.
 
“Had I done so,” she recalled of the opportunity to be mechalel Shabbos, “I should have missed meeting my future husband and would probably never have known what true happiness is.”
​
Captain Mark Chayen was a frum British medical officer who met Lea in the Displaced Persons camp and immediately started courting her in a gentle and respectable manner.
 
When at a couple of points, Lea despaired of ever being “normal” again and begged Mark to not make the “mistake” of marrying her ("I can't get used to living again"), Mark cared for her enough to promise that if she still felt she could not lead a normal life after a year, then he would let her go.
 
They remained blissfully married for 56 years until Mark’s death. 3 children blossomed from this union, along with many grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
 
The Chayens married in England, and then moved to Eretz Yisrael, where Lea braved the role of an Israeli housewife (a massive challenge in 1951!) and her husband found work as an anesthesiologist at Hadassah hospital.
 
There’s a lot to learn from Lea Fuchs Chayen, but one thing that stands out is her compassion and her profound ability to judge a fellow Jew favorably in an honest way.

(pg. 230)​

And she refers to them in such a refined way (unlike me).

Shame. Pain. Pain is different than pity—and far superior.

She smarts with shame on their behalf.

​She doesn't hate them. She doesn't excuse them. She's pained--on their behalf.

Not long after Liberation, Lea heard a rumor that her father was still alive. (He wasn’t.)

​In the chaos of post-war Germany, Lea made her way to the hospital where her father was rumored to be.

​Coming face to face with the fact that not only wasn’t her father there and never had been, it finally brought to surface the loss of all her other family members.

Until then, she hadn't had the opportunity to mourn over them.
 
For the first time, Lea was able to grieve over her profound loss.
 
She wandered around crying & crying in the pouring rain, forced to suffer the sight & sound of the German language she now hated and being trapped among the nation that caused such loss and trauma.
 
Suddenly, Lea chanced upon a branch of the Jewish Brigade sporting an Israeli flag.

It was “one of the most moving and beautiful things I have ever seen in my life.”

​Seeing it as the first step in getting to Eretz Yisrael, Lea stepped inside, embarrassed and apologetic about her soaking coat making a puddle on the floor.
 
The Hebrew- and German-speaking “lovely dark-haired girl in uniform” behind the desk simply told Lea that the puddle didn’t matter and that Lea could come back in an hour when a German non-Jewish sergeant would be there.
 
Lea was shattered.
 
How could this girl sit in a heated room with a glass of steaming tea before her & look right at a cold, hungry, drenched death camp survivor, a fellow Jew, and not even offer this suffering lone survivor a cup of tea or a seat or a chance to dry off? How could this girl just send Lea back outside?
 
How could this uniformed Jewish brigade girl be so incredibly unfeeling?
 
The truth is, modern Israel was taken over by secular Leftists—who do not represent the average Jew in Eretz Yisrael and never did. While I can't know this uniformed girl's political affiliation, her behavior unfortunately recalls other incidents of callous behavior on the part of young secular Socialists sent to “help” their fellow Jews.
 
To add salt to Lea’s gaping wounds, when Lea indeed returned in another hour, the German non-Jewish sergeant looked at Lea with “compassion in his eyes” and offered her to take off her coat (“Look, you are so wet”), warm herself near the fire, and allow him to bring her a glass of tea.
 
“Please,” she begged Hashem, “leave me my self-respect and just let me reach Palestine.”

​Then she added, “The most difficult thing to bear was the behavior of the Jewish Brigade girl compared with that of the German sergeant…”
 
 Yet what did Lea say about this Jewish brigade girl?
 
“I was certain that she was a very nice and decent girl, who simply did not think. Today she is probably a highly respected grandmother somewhere in Israel and would be horrified to know what she did.”
 
That’s not pity.
 
That’s real compassion. That’s feeling pain over a fellow Jew’s misbehavior and genuinely finding a zechut and a way to judge favorably.
 
Honestly, no one can expect a profoundly grieving death camp survivor dragging around in the pouring rain to say, “Hmm...that girl was so insensitive. Well, gosh, I just feel sooo soooooooooorry for her!”

Nor is there any way to justify the behavior as okay, cute, or funny.

As said above, yes, sometimes feeling soooo soooooorry for someone is the most appropriate response.
 
But Lea’s response resonated with me. HER response is the goal, I think.
 
We should feel pain on behalf of our errant brothers and sisters. (And hopefully, they will also feel pained, and not pitying or hating when we are the ones who flub up.)
 
Pain enables us to feel and respond with compassion. Pain enables us to educate others.

Sometimes, just seeing a pained face is rebuke enough.

There are many stories of someone expressing pain (rather than condescension or anger) toward an errant adult or child, which inspired the errant person to shape up. 

In fact, I remember that as a teenager, I behaved immaturely with a group of girls. We all should have known better and I don't know why we behaved that way.

​Anyway, a very nice gentle middle-aged geriatric nurse I'd seen around walked by at that very moment, and when she saw our behavior, an expression of pain swept over her face. 

She watched us, clearly deliberating whether to say something and what to say. Somehow, I could see on her face that she knew we weren't being bad, but silly and unthinking.

The pain and deliberation on her face was like cold water on a drunkard. And I felt appropriately (i.e., not toxically) ashamed.

We sobered up right away, I think all of us realizing how we were really behaving.

She never said anything and I never did anything like that again.

So feeling pained over another's errant behavior can be so much more effective (and honest) than seething hatred or snooty pity.
 
Pity brings about condescension and despair. There’s not much hope for someone who is to be pitied.
 
And this is the big lesson to learn in ahavat Yisrael from Lea Fuchs Chayen, a survivor with a tremendous neshamah. 

UPDATE: I just came across Lea Fuch Chayen's philosophy in her own words on pages 241-242:

Toras Avigdor just came out with a special Tisha B'Av video of Rav Avigdor Miller explaining what this week and that day are all about.

And it's...WOW.

Just a couple of tidbits:
​Thinking about the Churban means thinking about how we can strive for excellence.

Striving for excellence means loving ALL real talmidei chachamim EVEN IF THEY'RE NOT FROM "YOUR" GROUP.

Rav Miller acknowledges that some people feel a lot of zeal and think they have good reason to scoff at another group's Gadol, but DON'T.

• Don't get into machloket with fellow frum Jews. 
• Stand behind your Rav.
• Stand behind your Rebbe.
• Stand behind your Rosh Yeshivah.
• But DON'T let your loyalty toward your own group turn into disdain for another FRUM group!

He makes the excellent point that widely read non-Jewish newspapers and Jewish assimilationists relish machloket among frum Jews.

We've all seen how quickly a story about machloket between frum Jews makes it into the media.

Why don't we see that about Sikhs? Or Bhuddists? Or Hindus?

Even in Eretz Yisrael, where Yishmaelite machloket gets REALLY out of hand, the secular Israeli either doesn't publish it or they write about in a way that makes you think they're regular Israelis, when it was, say, a Yishmaelite honor killing.

But FRUM machloket? Oh, man...they really rev up for that.

Rav Miller also discusses real ahavat Yisrael in a way I hadn't heard before.

So please click the following to see this powerful video:
​https://torasavigdor.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Nine-Days-Video.mp4

Also, for any of you Spanish-speakers, I see that a Toras Avigdor Q&A is available in ESPAÑOL.

Please click here to download the Spanish PDF:
Toras Avigdor Español

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​Enjoy!

Around a week ago, I found myself feeling out of sorts and a bit hopeless about the future.

It's good to probe this kind of feeling to see if something concrete lies beneath it and what to do about it.

But I couldn't see anything different than usual in my life, and I'd been basically happy not long before.

Yes, it could be the ruach of the 3 weeks enveloping me. But National grieving is very different than negativity & a general feeling of "blah." So I didn't really think it was that.

Then I thought maybe it was hormones. Hormone-influenced moods are never far from my mind now because I'm at that age where I could either get pregnant or enter menopause.

Anyway, as I was walking along back from taking my son to gan, I tried to thank Hashem for things, as per Rav Shalom Arush's advice. This is always a good thing to do, even though it can be emotionally difficult at times.

Then I started mentally wishing good stuff for whomever I passed on the way, as per Rav Avigdor Miller's advice. Upon seeing a group of little girls enthusiastically playing in the sandlot of their school, I remembered Rav Miller emphasizing how it important it was to mentally bless these little Beit Yaakov girls, that they should get along well in school and be successful in everything in their little sweet lives, and to appreciate their general preciousness.

I can't tell you hard it was to do that.

You know how when you're down, you either get very negative & cynical...or numb?

Mentally or verbally whispering blessings to those whom you pass by takes emotional energy. It takes heart. It's proactive rather than reactive. You need to care, which goes against negativity, cynicism, and numbness.

But reading so much advice from real rabbanim makes an impression over time, even if we don't always notice it right away.

B'chasdei Hashem, I had Rav Miller's words in my head, which gave me the "oomph" I needed to do what he advised.

Later that day or even the next day, I started feeling all chirked up again. Baruch Hashem!

And then I remembered that I'd been through this before...

I can't remember exactly which books I read this in (probably Garden of Emuna, among others), but I firmly believe in this concept that Hashem sometimes sticks you in a "pit" just so that you can climb out of it in the correct way.

Especially if in the past, you've lain face-down & despairing in the pit, or floundering around in its mire, or fallen as you've tried to scrabble out, Hashem sticks you back in so that you can get it right this time—which enables you to rectify all those other failed times. 

Actually, this is a core concept in teshuvah, that Hashem often puts us back in the same or a similar situation in order to respond correctly this time and rectify ourselves.

​(There are other reasons too, in addition to this type of rectification.)

This has happened to me several times, but I forget every single time I find myself drowning in it again (which I think is probably part of the nisayon).

Yes, you can find yourself in a negative emotional state: angry, irritable, cynical, hopeless, depressed, emotionally lethargic, apathetic, blah, etc. And it doesn't seem to have a direct cause.

But sometimes Hashem wants us to make that 1 baby-step that moves us out of ourselves. Despite our negative self-absorbed state, He wants us to make 1 baby-step toward caring for our fellow Jews.

A person who stays mired in a negative state is very different than a person who mumbles good wishes toward Jewish children or gratitude toward the Creator.

The 2 people look the same and they feel the same, but there is a minor difference that's actually very major.

And it's one of the HUGE reasons why I am so grateful for our real talmidei chachamim.

Why?

Because (and I know it doesn't make me sound so good, but...) the truth is that without their constant encouragement & loving exhortations, I don't think I would figure it out on my own.

Probably I would just continue on my dull, blah way.

The way so many real rabbanim have pared down our avodat Hashem into easily digestible bite-sized pieces, which they then spoon-feed us, has been the saving grace for so many of us.

Without their emuna-infused work, I would just be stuck in the worst way.

And it's these barely perceptible little shuffles in the right direction that make all the difference.

Posts with Advice from Real Rabbanim & Their Recommended Baby-Steps:

• How to Save the World One Step at a Time
• A 60-Second Exercise to Fulfill Your Main Purpose in Life
• Judaism's Secret: Achieve the Glorious Maximum by Doing the Bare Minimum
• Mishlei/Proverbs 17:23: Amazing Encouragement for Awful People
• Why Your Response to a Fall Matters More than the Fall Itself
• One Minute of Hashem's Overwhelming Love For You
• How to Strengthen the 3 Areas Necessary to Bring Mashiach