Category: Teshuvah

Dever in Our Times - And How We Should Respond to Protect Ourselves

26/1/2020

It's chilling what's going on with the virus in China right now, which has reached plague proportions.

As pointed out in a comment by the host of the True Tzaddikim blog here, the virus went public during the week of Parshat Va'era, in which dever (pestilence) plays a significant role.

Rav Avigdor Miller discussed it at length as an epidemic affecting people, not just animals (which you can see HERE).

Furthermore, this virus hit right around the time of a big avodah zarah festival.

There are other things in China too, some of which are purely the fault of the government and some of which most of the people themselves willingly go along with.

(Forced abortion, even not long before birth, for mothers who break the "one-child-only" law, the aborting of female unborn by parents who prefer that their one child be a boy, & which has led to the unnatural ratio of more boys than girls in the country, the lack of compassion treatment toward the poor, the practice in some areas of eating the limb of a living animal, and so on.)

This year also saw the hurricanic destruction of an island in the Bahamas, a place known for its occult practices and rampant zimah, plus drug trafficking and the more horrifying human trafficking. (Holding people against their will is included in the Noachide prohibition against theft, and is a capital crime in halacha.)

There has also been flooding in places around the world known for being steeped in avodah zarah and seriously hefker behavior, plus human rights abuses.

These places are so steeped in immoral ways, the people themselves don't even WANT to change and be better. (For example, a lot of people like avodah zarah & hefker behavior; nowadays especially, many people honestly don't see anything wrong with them.)

We know from our chachamim that these things are a warning to us.

And as Rav Avigdor Miller and so many others have reminded us throughout millennia and in the Torah itself:

Our most important avodah is to serve Hashem B'SIMCHA – with joy.

We just keeping moving forward in embracing our lives of Torah & mitzvot, and we should do everything we can do embrace the mitzvot b'simcha.

Sometimes, "b'simcha" the hardest mitzvah to uphold.

That's right.

B'ezrat Hashem, we'll all do our best & may Hashem bless us with much success.

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How to Wrench Yourself Out of the Paralyzing Plague of Darkness: The Life-Changing Lessons We can Learn from What Rav Shimshon Dovid Pincus Says about Why Hashem Hardened Pharaoh's Heart & Why Hashem Punished Him Anyway

24/1/2020

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In the book of Rav Shimshon Dovid Pincus's ztz"l transcribed lectures Nefesh Shimshon - Gates of Emunah, Living with Faith: Bringing Hashem into Our Daily Lives, Rav Pincus gleans from the Rambam to clarify an issue that confounds people when they come across it in the Torah:

Why does Hashem harden Pharaoh's heart?

And why does He then punish Paroh (Pharaoh) when it's HASHEM who repeatedly hardened Paroh's heart?

It all connects to the paradoxical concept of bechirah chofsheet – free choice.

What Does "Free Choice" Really Mean?

Rav Pincus notes that this concept is often misunderstood.

Human bechirah goes far beyond that of animal bechirah.

Animals don't have bechirah. A hyena cannot decide to skip eating a fresh carcass just because it wasn't properly slaughtered.

Even with their offspring, animals care for them out of instinct. Animal sentimentalists don't like to hear this, but many species either abandon or eat their young when they feel the environment won't support them or when they sense their newborns are weak.

But human bechirah goes even further.

In order to have real bechirah, a person must have the ability to either do wonderful healing acts or cruel destructive acts.

This includes the ability to destroy oneself – not just physically in This World, but to actually destroy one's soul and eliminate any chance of obtaining even a tiny smidgen of bliss in the Next World.

In other words, to enable true bechirah, a person must have the ability to NOT do teshuvah...even if they want to.

And this chilling truth explains the dynamic between Hashem and Paroh.

When You Cannot Even Move to Save Your Life

Theoretically, a person has the ability to repeatedly make such poor decisions that he cannot return from that state of evil...even if he wants to.

In fact, during the Plague of Hail, Hashem sent Moshe Rabbeinu to tell Paroh that everyone should move inside.

Whoever remains outside would be killed.

The Brisker Rav explains that even though these giant fiery hailstones could certainly break through roofs, Hashem set things up so that the roofs would provide protection.

Only those foolish enough to remain outside would be killed.

Then Hashem caused a weird reaction in the Egyptians (who'd decided themselves into a state where teshuvah was impossible).

If the Egyptians feared the hailstones, they wouldn't be able to go inside!

They lost the ability to move, even an obvious move for their own self-protection.

Instead, Hashem decided to make their hearts so hard that when they saw the hailstones, they'd say, "It's not for real. It can't be."

And that's exactly what happened.

As it states in Shemot 9:20, only those who feared Hashem (and not the hailstones) retained the ability to access their free choice and protect themselves by ducking into a building.

Rav Pincus explains that when a person can no longer move spiritually, his state is called Choshech Mitzrayim (Darkness of Egypt, the 9th Plague). He quotes Shemot 10:23: "No man could arise from his place."

So a person who falls into "a state of total immobility" is "like Pharaoh and the Egyptians at that time."

Rav Pincus likens it to incurring a massive debt without ever getting one's finances together. Then when the time comes to pay up, the debtor has nary a penny with which to even start returning the massive debt.

This can be experienced on a less sinister level, explain Rav Pincus, like when a person damages his capability of kavanah in davening to the point that he can no longer daven Shemoneh Esrei.

Even on the day of his wedding while davening Mincha at the Kotel, a groom may discover that despite is best intentions, he was not able to daven this all-important Mincha with kavanah.

It's because of all the previous Shemoneh Esreis without kavanah.

Rav Pincus says this is the reason why some people fly out of shul the minute the davening ends. It's as if the shul spits them out do to their repeated lack of desire.

On page 115, Rav Pincus states:

The power of free choice gives man the frightening ability to chain himself and throw away the key.

Of course, this reminds me of the story popularized by Rabbi Wallerstein from the Kav Hayashar, in which a fabulously wealthy yet uncompromisingly tight-fisted mohel is particularly mosser nefesh to travel a great distance to perform a brit milah, where he discovers he must perform the brit milah on the half-demon child of a captive Jewish mother.

Despite his appalling miserliness, this mohel always conducts a brit milah completely free of charge. A brit milah was always the exception to his utter lack of generosity.

After refusing to accept anything from the demon father, the demon father finally opens a cabinet containing the mohel's "keys," and tells the mohel that he can have these keys since they don't really belong to the demon because they originally belong to the mohel.

After getting his "keys" back, mohel then returns to normal society and is indeed able to generously give tzedakah after that.

And therein lies the solution to recover the ability to do teshuvah even when you've destroyed that ability.

(See? In Judaism, there is never despair! Even from the Point of No Return, you can still return IF you REALLY want to!)

Teshuvah from Love Fixes Everything

The secret is teshuvah from love.

Even if in the extremely rare instance that Hashem doesn't want you back, your pursuing of Hashem's Will can turn everything around for the best.

Teshuvah from fear is still a million times better than not doing teshuvah at all.

However, if one has reached the Point of No Return, if one is stuck in Choshech Mitzrayim (whether it's the guy who can't daven or a complete rasha like Paroh), the key to getting unstuck is teshuvah from love.

Teshuvah from fear:
Giving someone money only after being threatened with a big stick.

Teshuvah from love:
Giving someone money because you really want to give it.

Teshuvah from fear is Hashem's Act.

Teshuvah from love is completely your act.

Rav Pincus states that while teshuvah from fear can be eliminated, teshuvah from love can never be taken away since that type of teshuvah belongs to the person.

Page 119:

Hashem will never take it away from him because that would contradict the principle of free choice.

And how can we access that?

How to Free Yourself from the Paralyzing Plague of Darkness

Here is Rav Pincus's advice on page 120:

When a person is in one of those low states where he feels nothing is moving for him, his goal at that time should not be to change his deeds.

Rather it should be change himself, his inner being.

Certainly easier said than done, but nobody ever said that escaping the Point of No Return was a bowl of stone-free cherries.

And this is where it gets a bit confusing, but still doable.

Rav Pincus presents the example of someone who wants to get out of his distraction and start learning seriously out of fear for his future (maybe the fear of getting a bad shidduch or no shidduch, getting a bad reputation or a lackluster portion in the World to Come, etc.).

So he commits to learning 5 hours straight with passion.

Rav Pincus says that is changing one's deeds, not one's self.

However, if a person works to develop a feeling of love for Torah, an appreciation for the value of Torah itself, this changes his whole approach to learning. In that case, a person should decide to come even just 5 minutes early to learn and then stay 5 minutes later.

That is changing one's self.

Why?

Because it demonstrates a thirst for learning. When you love something, when you crave it, you can't wait to get it! And then you don't want to leave it.

Superficially, it looks like both are changing deeds only.

But when a person makes a mental shift in his attitude and decides to come early to learning (or davening for that matter) and leave later, that reflects his own self.

NOTE: It's even more beneficial to read the whole thing in Rav Pincus's own words, the section called "How Far Free Choice Reaches," pages 109-122.

Final Thoughts & Plan of Action

Please also note that despite the fact that Rav Pincus himself absolutely loved learning & davening, he absolutely loved Hashem & felt loved by Hashem, Rav Pincus still recommends baby-steps.

5 minutes earlier and 5 minutes later!

This is something you run across again and again in Judaism.

BABY STEPS MATTER.

No one should scoff at small steps in the right direction.

Your smallest toddling step in Hashem's direction is very precious to Hashem.

So tachlis, what can you do if you find yourself immobilized in Choshech Mitzrayim?

I believe it's to consider your soul's real desire:

Where do you want to go?

Who do you want to be?

Why do you want to go there & be different in that way?

And how can you express that new and better desire?

And if you do find yourself in that frightening place where teshuvah from fear no longer exits, consider that rather than it means Hashem is rejecting you...

...consider that maybe it's a sign that Hashem cherishes you so much, He wants you to do teshuvah from love so He can pour upon you all the reward and closeness that comes from teshuvah from love.

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Rav Avigdor Miller or Parshat Va'era and Some Very Sharp Mussar on Learning Lessons that Applies to Current Events

23/1/2020

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What was the purpose of the 10 Plagues?

In Parshat Va'era: Judgments with Justice, Rav Avigdor Miller informs us that it wasn't just about Pharaoh.

"And Egypt will know that I am Hashem."

That was the main reason.

And many Egyptians indeed gleaned that lesson from the Plagues.

They joined the Exodus from Egypt, becoming the dreaded Erev Rav.

But the real lesson was for Bnei Yisrael themselves.

THEY needed to know Who Hashem was.

They needed this prior to accepting the Torah on Har Sinai.

WE need to know that He is Hashem.

The Profound Principles of Middah K'Neged Middah

Middah k'neged middah (measure for measure) is a well-known concept in Judaism.

As Rav Miller puts it on page 5, "the punishment a man gets in this world, in some way resembles the thing that he’s done wrong."

Rav Miller notes that middah k'neged middah is often obvious. The connection between the sin and the consequence is usually not hard to connect...if only a person would just contemplate it.

So why is the connection not often seen?

Rav Miller explains on page 6:

And the Mesillas Yesharim sets down the principle that most people don’t learn the lessons that Hashem wants to teach them because they’re just too busy to think.

There’s more than one reason, but the main reason why people don’t learn is because they’re too busy with life.

There are so many things to do, so many happy things, so many other things – whatever it is, but they’re busy all the time...People don’t pay attention and they don’t learn the lessons that they are expected to learn because they don’t make time to think, “Why is Hashem doing davka this and davka that?”

Midrash Rabbah says that with every Plague came a type of dever, pestilence. Yes, there was a Plague of Dever, but all the Plagues were accompanied by some sort of dever too.

What do you do in a case of dever?

Rav Miller quotes Bava Kama 60b: "Dever ba'ir, kanes reglecha – When there's an epidemic in the city, stay at home!"

Don't go out and mix.

And that's exactly what the people decided.

In those days, the Jewish elders, the zekeinim, were truly great Sages to whom the people really listened.

That's why Moshe Rabbeinu went to them first with tidings, because he knew the Am would listen to the zekeinim.

Anyway, the Jews closed themselves in their little homes.

And there was nothing to do except talk to each other.

And the zekeinim guided them to speak about tachlis, to contemplate what was happening.

Rav Miller says that many Midrashim derived from these conversations at home, with the Jews thinking and drawing conclusions, like the following (pages 7-8):

Let’s say when Makkas Dam came; so they’re sitting in their houses and talking.

“Did you hear what happened to Mamrei the Egyptian down the road? He went for a drink and his mouth is all bloodied up as if somebody punched him in the lips. He’s vomiting from disgust.”

“Aha! That bloody Egyptian now! You remember when he smacked me in the mouth and my mouth was bleeding? Now he’s getting it right back in his face!”

“Maybe in the wells there’s some water they can drink?”

Nothing doing! Look at the well next door – you see how red it is? Look at them – they’re digging in the ground trying to find an underground spring. And his brother, the wicked slavemaster – he’s walking around dehydrated begging for a sip of water. He looks like he’s about to faint.”

“Is that so? He’s the one who forced us to work all day in the sun and didn’t let us drink from the well. He’s getting exactly what he deserves, midah k’neged midah.”

Rav Miller freely acknowledges he is oversimplifying the conversations for our benefit.

The discussions probed much deeper than that.

Why?

He explains on page 8:

So they were talking all day long – but not like we’re talking here. I’m just talking kindergarten talk now, but they went to the bottom of it.

They had nothing else to do – they didn’t read newspapers or novels in those days; they didn’t waste time listening to the radio.

And the zekeinim taught them how to use their time during the makkos – to think about what Hashem was trying to teach them and to talk about it.

And we are supposed to do this too.

Rav Miller's Profound Losses

On pages 9-17, Rav Miller explains why he discusses the Holocaust the way he does.

He admits that it's very painful.

People forget that he himself was almost a victim, he and his wife and children. People forget that he knew the precious Jews slaughtered by the evil ones.

The victims were his wife's siblings and Rav Miller's other close friends. As he says on page 11:

My chaveirim, my best friends were all murdered.

Rav Feivel Pilvishker, zichrono l’vracha, a tzaddik, a young man who was learning all the time. He was always thinking in mussar in his spare time. And they found his body in the field outside the town – he was shot there and left to bleed to death.

Other friends too – Aharon Birzher, my chavrusa. He was the son-in-law of the Kurdaneh Rav, and he was murdered along with the Kurdaneh Jews.

My rebbi, Rav Avraham was burnt up alive in a fire when the Germans set fire to the hospital.

Rav Elchonon Wasserman zichrono l’vracha was in Slabodka and they marched him out with all the Slabodka boys – my chaveirim – and they shot them dead in the Ninth Fort.

Certainly we weep rivers of tears. When we say here that we try to understand that Hashem does things for a reason, it’s b’derech klal, on a general level.

But the fact that we lost our people is a devastating blow that we will never cease weeping for.

He acknowledges that many people feel it's a mekatreg on the victims to search for the meaning behind it all.

Yet Rav Miller says it's a mekatreg on Hashem if you don't discuss it.

Hashem doesn't do things for no reason.

And this is why Rav Miller delves into this painful subject: He does it all for the honor of Hashem.

(Note: Despite the middah k'neged middah Rav Miller discusses here, he clearly acknowledge here and in other lectures that we cannot know all the reasons for everything that happened in the Holocaust. There were such inhuman acts of brutality and sadism, such sheer savagery, we really cannot just point fingers.)

Some Very Sharp Mussar

Yes, there were wonderfully special people in Eastern Europe, Jews of unparalleled wisdom and yirah and emuna.

But Rav Miller states that those same towns portrayed as chassidish strongholds also included Reform communities.

In A Daughter of Two Mothers, Leichu is herself religious and therefore focuses on her fellow religious Jews. But even in their small town sheltered from the influences of the big cities, the poisonous strains infiltrated.

I remember thinking how odd it was that within this small town brimming with good frum Jews, Leichu didn't have a proper school. She either needed to attend the local public school with the non-Jews or the local Jewish school run by the Reform. (She ended up with the non-Jews, who ran their school with more propriety & concern for the children than the Reform school.)

Why wasn't there a religious school for the religious population?

Isn't that weird in such a lovely little town full of wonderful religious Jews?

So, it goes back to what Rav Miller was saying.

Likewise, in Lea Fuch Chayen's memoir, Out of the Depths, she recalls a moment toward the end, when she and her friends are slowly starving to death outside in a roofless boxcar covered in snow.

Lea attempts to raise their spirits by recalling Purim and predicting the many Purims they'll enjoy with the families they'll create by themselves after the War.

At that point, a Jewish woman in her thirties says, "Who is Purim?"

Who is Purim?

It's astonishing that a Jewish woman of her age from the burgeoning Jewish metropolis of Budapest (which also hosted a thriving frum community) never even heard of the holiday of Purim. I think it's sort of like if a Jew from New York never heard of Purim. She thought it was the name of a person, she was so far removed.

It's to this undercurrent of destruction Rav Miller refers.

He recalls how the Chafetz Chaim himself declared before the Holocaust that there wasn't one Jewish home without someone off the derech.

Rav Miller reminisces about on old rav who looked so beautiful and pious, as if he must come from such a pious family.

Then Rav Miller discovered that this rav was the only one of 5 brothers who remained frum! The other 4 went totally off the derech.

And as Rav Miller emphasizes, these rebels weren't quiet. Hard as it is to believe, they marched around with large signs: "We declare war on the Klerikalin" – Klerikalin were the rabbanim and the frum people.

And Rav Elchonon Wasserman said (page 12), “You’re declaring war on Hashem?! So Hashem will declare war on you!”

Chilling words.

Rav Miller tells us the truth, both the beautiful and the ugly (page 12):

What about all the apikorsim who lived in Slabodka?

I was there; I saw! Slabodka was a churban.

There was a yeshivah, it's true, but the city itself was no good at all.

Europe was being turned upside down by the Jewish resha’im.

*

Do you hear people speak about that when they teach about the Holocaust?

No, you don’t hear that. The whole subject is not even mentioned.

People are busy carrying out a propaganda campaign against Hakodosh Boruch Hu.

You know what they say? They say that they were all tzadikim in Europe.

Ahh, it was a wonderful place – they were all righteous, all kedoshim, and we just don’t know why Hakodosh Boruch Hu would do such a terrible thing to them.

I would never say this myself. I have no right to judge, me a former suburban secular girl growing up in America's materialistic 80s.

Even now, who am I?

But Rav Miller can say it. He has that right.

And then the dvar Torah gets very sharp.

I appreciate it; I want to hear it. It's the truth.

But his message definitely bothers a lot of people.

On page 13, Rav Miller opposes all the blame placed on European rabbanim for not telling Europe's Jews to go to Eretz Yisrael.

These rabbanim constantly exhorted their beloved brothers and sisters to do teshuvah, to prevent the Destruction.

The truth is that when you run away, you leave people behind.

Maybe there's not much choice. At one point, there really was no choice.

Okay.

But if you really love your brothers and sisters, you will try and prevent bad things from happening to them.

If you really care about someone, you're not just going to run off and leave them behind.

You'll try and prevent them from being harmed.

(I want to add also that in the memoirs I've read, sometimes big rabbanim were asked about escape, and the rabbanim said something like, "You can try. But there's a Heavenly decree on us and success isn't likely. But you can try."

Also, in A Sun and A Shield, the great talmid chacham Rav Yosef Paneth (also known as the Illeander Rav) found himself in a forest ghetto with around 7500 Jews.

He and his family struggled to convince other Jews to escape with them into the forest. He told his fellow Jews where they were going.

Yet who listened?

Out of 7500, only the rav, his wife, their children, a couple of men, and a young widow and her son agreed to escape.

The only children to survive that ghetto was the Paneth children (though not all of them) and the widow's son.

That was it.

So you have to understand that even when an extremely chashuv and holy rav actively told people to escape and even offered to help them escape with them, they simply would not.

(You can read more about that episode HERE; just scroll down to the middle of the post.)

Furthermore, Rav Miller makes a practical point that many don't consider (page 13, boldface my own addition):

They said that the gedolim, all the tzadikim, the Chofetz Chaim zichrono l’vracha too – all the leaders of the generation are at fault because they didn’t preach that the Jews should get up and move to Eretz Yisroel.

That six million Jews should get up from Europe and go to Eretz Yisroel in those days when nobody would let them in anyhow!

Also, you had families like the frum Kanners in Germany who were number 1 on the aliyah list for a capitalist visa – and they were constantly pushed off by the secular Zionist Resettlement office in Berlin.

(Personally, based on what I've read of the history of that time, I feel they were pushed off because they were frum. The secular Zionists did not want frum people in Israel. I can't prove it, but if you read the book, it's weird that they kept replacing the Kanners with others whom the secular Zionists claimed were in immediate danger and therefore needed to take precedence. But even when Mr. Kanner faced life-threatening danger and was actually sent to a concentration camp, the Zionist Resettlement office still did not allow him to use his rightful visa. See HERE for more on that.)

The Most Helpful Response to Jew-Hatred

On pages 14-15, Rav Miller says:

If only the Am Yisroel would have huddled together in their homes with their parents and grandparents and discussed the news with a clear mind, a great many lessons could have been learned.

“Why is this happening?” they should have thought.

All of a sudden, Germany – a civilized country – is committing such barbarous acts against them? What’s it for?

They should have thought about and discussed it with the ziknei hador; the same way the Bnei Yisroel in Mitzrayim spent time thinking about what Hashem was doing, the German Jews could have done the same.

And page 15:

There still remained a small island, the Torah World – wonderful yeshivos.

But they were a tiny minority because they had already been abandoned by the people.

The heart of the people was already in the hands of the misleaders.

And these misleaders didn’t say, “Look at what Hitler is doing! It’s time to do teshuva.”

The Chofetz Chaim zichrono l’vracha said it; Rav Elchonon Wasserman said it, “Do teshuva,” but who listened to them?!

Rav Miller notes that the initial middah k'neged middah was obvious.

Germany forbade intermarriage.

(Just as a side point: As a young secular girl first learning about the Holocaust, I was confused as to why this decree was presented with such offense by Jews in Holocaust books and lectures. After all, I wondered, weren't Jews NOT supposed to marry non-Jews anyway? Yeah, I got the basic idea that the Germans weren't coming from a good place. Sure. But why were the Jews so offended? Weren't they against intermarriage anyway? That's what I wondered back then.)

Then Jews must add Hebrew names to their identity papers: "Israel" for boys and "Sara" for girls. This is highly symbolic and obvious if you know that one of the reasons why Hashem redeemed the Jews from Mitzrayim was because of they kept their Jewish names.

I had no idea about that when I first learned about the Holocaust. But it became obvious later.

Rav Miller continues along this vein until page 19, but I don't have the stomach to write about it anymore.

It's just that we really, really need to listen to our real talmidei chachamim. Our real Gedolim.

If we love ourselves and love each other, that's what we need to do.

(If you want to see the whole picture of that time period, it's very worth reading everything Rav Miller describes on pages 11-19. A lot is left out of this post.)

Just the Act of Trying Reaps So Much Reward!

The rest of the dvar Torah discusses examining our deeds.

Rav Miller also answers the complaint of "What, I need to drive myself crazy trying to think about what Hashem is hinting at when I bite my tongue or stub my toe?"

As Rav Miller reassures us on page 21:

If you’ll make use of the opportunity, even if you won’t guess the real reason, you still struck gold!

Let’s say you’ll blame yourself for something else that wasn’t the real reason – but at least in that one thing you’ll improve.

And that’s already a great hatzlacha.

All credit for quotes and material used within goes to Toras Avigdor.

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Some More Thoughts on Therapy, Its Uses & Abuses

22/1/2020

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This blog has featured posts on therapy and therapists, and its flaws.

However, I do kind of worry that I've come off harsher than intended. It's hard to get all the perspectives into one single post, but I want to try.

Maybe I haven't emphasized enough that I don't automatically think badly of therapists or people who choose to invest in therapy.

I think most therapists and their clients are sincere and wish to help/be helped.

I also think we're basically talking about good people across the board (with some exceptions).

But I also see very real flaws in the whole system.

Having said that, of course, you can speak to someone.

You can speak to Hashem, but of course you can also speak to another person.

Lubavitcher women have a mashpia. Many people have rebbetzins or rebbis or good friends or mentors of some kind – someone who gives them chizuk & helps them better themselves.

In the book Words of Faith, the tzaddik Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender lays out recommendations on how to be a truly beneficial confidant.

For discussions of his ideas, please see:

How to Listen & How to Speak
Friendship & Encouraging Words
The Honesty Deception
A Tzaddik's Example: Listen, Empathize, Encourage
Human Interaction and the Secret of Light

Your therapist or adviser can also fulfill that role; the question is whether they ARE actually fulfilling that role to your best interests.

Going Back in Time for Some Personal Anecdotes

Being the secular American child of the 1980s, I've been to therapists a few times, although I never invested years in therapy.

For my generation (and I think everyone younger than me), therapy was & still is considered both the acceptable & the responsible thing to do. (And psychiatric treatment has now joined therapy in this respect.)

Two non-Jewish therapists did me no good whatsoever. Literally nothing came out of it, even though with one of them, I spent 6 months at the age of 16 going to weekly appointments because I felt very insecure and wished to become an emotionally healthy person, and thought that these weekly appointments would fix me. Total waste of time & money.

One high school guidance counselor (who are usually considered a joke) was a wonderfully empathetic listener and adored by the student body. A wide variety of students went to her, including those you'd think would never do so. While I'm grateful for the temporary relief she provided with her genuine caring, I made no progress whatsoever in self-improvement or any specific issues.

In fact, as I started looking into Torah Judaism and made plans for aliyah, she displayed sincere concern (she was a very sincere Liberal and a feminist), which included handing me the photocopied article from a magazine interview with a Palestinian terrorist who expressed the goal of moving to England and becoming a computer programmer after he was done terrorizing Jews. (Well, I considered him a terrorist anyway. The guidance counselor and the magazine clearly did not consider his actions as "terror.")

She also gave me another photocopied article of a secular Leftist Israeli who'd gone undercover as an Arab to see how it feels. Needless to say, it did not present a balanced picture.

Guess who were the poor sympathetic victims and who were the bad guys?

When I discussed this slanted hit-job with her later, addressing some of the more blatant and suspicious parts, she merely looked saddened at my inability to accept the facts as she saw them.

She also seemed confused by my opinion that the reporter's strong Leftist bias made him, well, biased.

Interestingly, despite the obvious middot work I needed to do, handing me these skillfully written propaganda pieces was the most proactive she'd ever been about changing my thought patterns.

And I'm still trying to remember if it was she who lent me a book written by a Reform rabbi, to influence me away from frumkeit...

Clearly, she only became concerned enough to leave aside the facilitative listening and influence me was when I looked toward become a more spiritual and moral person.

An Example of Truly Helpful Therapy for 1 Specific Issue

Later, in my 20s, I confided in a rebbetzin my unrelenting anxiety in a specific area. When she saw she wasn't able to help me, she set up a meeting with a frum female therapist who specialized in this issue (which was the responsible thing to do, and I was grateful to her for caring enough to do it).

This frum therapist also offered first appointments for free, so even though she knew this would likely be a one-time meeting, she still offered that time free of charge.

After I explained my anxiety, she got straight to the core of the issue with the help of a few insightful questions, then she addressed my issue with conviction in a convincing & thoughtful manner.

She thoroughly answered every concern I had about the issue, completely reassuring me.

With this particular weight lifted from my heart, I went on with my life and did not need another visit.

Perhaps this is a good example of what has been mentioned in previous posts: Therapy can be helpful for certain issues, but not necessarily for overall self-improvement (although it can do that too to a point).

While this particular issue ended up completely resolved in 1 session of therapy, I did not leave her office a better person than when I'd entered it.

I felt better (about this issue, anyway), but I wasn't actually a better person overall.

(And this says nothing bad about the therapist because the only goal of the session was to focus on this one issue, and not to work on myself overall.)

Lots of Money & Time with Very Little Benefit

Later, I went to another frum therapist over the course of a few months. She wasn't able to help me with that issue overall, but she did open my eyes to a certain negative behavior I'd unconsciously adopted.

Stunned by the realization, I quickly got to work on it.

That was an actual aspect of middot work. But just one and the main issue I'd come for wasn't helped even one bit (as far as I can remember).

Then I decided to continue with her regarding another issue, that of my fear of being the victim of a terror attack. (This was around the time suicide bombers were blowing up buses and kiosks, I knew people who almost victims of these attacks, so it wasn't an irrational fear.)

After cheerfully explaining how she personally did not relate to this fear, and cheerfully including a personal anecdote to show just how much she could not personally empathize, she agreed to work with me on it anyway.

Needless to say, this did not last long. Maybe I met with her once or twice more.

I think there is a tremendous pull in being listened to and also being liked. Because she listened to me & indicated that she liked me, I remember her fondly despite the fact that she was only of little help practically.

Should you pay hundreds (or even thousands of the course of months or years) for that?

I suppose that if you can easily afford to and you really crave being listened to and liked...well, I honestly don't know.

But you should at least know what you're paying for – and I think that the enjoyment of the therapist's caring and validation masks the reality that many people are not getting as much practical help from therapy as they feel they are.

The truth is, plain old therapy cannot really remedy a rational fear.

Hashem is really the only answer to fear.

Had she decided to learn Gate of Bitachon from Chovot Halevavot with me, or any other relevant chapters from other mussar books, it would've been much more helpful.

However, she herself would need to be on that level and in that frame of mind in order to give over such concepts.

(Although it could also be that just learning them together and speaking them out loud would've still been very helpful, even without her being able to project it. After all, the message of these great Sages comes through no matter what.)

Happier People aren't Necessarily Better People

The daughter of an incredibly wealthy secular family became suicidally depressed.

This is actually not so surprising as she was raised by a very self-righteous & distant mother (who was occasionally abusive) and hung out with other obnoxiously wealthy & decadent "friends" who held few morals and little meaning in their lives...which consisted of achieving good grades, while indulging in hard drugs and hefker behavior outside of school.

So she went to a very expensive & highly regarded secular doctor-psychologist.

Indeed, he helped her get out of her depression. She no longer wished to kill herself, and she not only rose out of her depression, but she charmed others with her funny & bubbly persona.

She also felt like therapy really helped her. She felt like her therapist saved her life (and he did).

Yet however much she felt better and happier, she was not a better person.

She continued to dabble in "soft" drugs, engage in appallingly hefker behavior (including becoming the mistress of a man she KNEW FROM THE FIRST was married with a child, then tried to wreck his marriage when he decided to stop the affair to return to his wife), and so on with behaviors that were either self-destructive or other-destructive.

Again, despite therapy saving her life and making her a happier person, therapy certainly did not make her a better person.

Physical Abuse? Cured! Emotional Neglect? Well...

A childhood friend told me about how, due to behavioral problems with another sibling, her parents were coerced into therapy.

She thinks this is why the physical abuse she'd been experiencing until then stopped.

So though her parents both stopped whacking the kids, and she stopped living in fear of being hit, her parents never became loving or nurturing parents.

Her father still had a temper and her mother was still heartbreakingly uninterested.

She said she's grateful that the therapy somehow stopped the physical abuse (which she thinks wasn't really inner change, but perhaps just the threat of being reported), but at the same time, she felt it showed just how much her parents really did not care about her.

Who is the Focus?

One final point:

Many advisers tend to talk about themselves under the guise of helping you.

Although this is neither so logical or helpful (unless your personality or situation happen to be so similar to the adviser's that this actually gives you helpful direction or validation), it's understandable because good listening calls for tremendous focus & self-restraint.

So it's understandable that people who spend so much of their time listening to others might get overwhelmed with the required self-discipline and start going on about themselves when they either should be listening or be talking about you and your situation.

So even when it's not helpful, it's still understandable.

However, therapists can do this too.

And while it's still understandable for the reasons above, this kind of self-indulgence is especially inappropriate when you are paying them so much for the time.

I think this is a problem, whether you're asking for aitzah or therapy.

Just to clarify: IF their own sharing is MEANT to be helpful and IS helpful, then that's fine. It can be really good.

But if it's just an emotional indulgence of theirs, that's not what you're there for.

Uh-Oh...I'm Even Worse Than I Thought!

When I first started doing hitbodedut and a real cheshbon hanefesh, I was struck with the profound realization of what bad middah was at the core of my negative behaviors.

I had never considered myself to have a problem with that particular middah (other middot, yes; this one, no), yet here it was in all its shocking starkness.

Interestingly, this issue never came up in any therapy session, it was never noticed by my parents or friends or my husband, and it never even came up with my mentor-rebbetzin who'd helped me so much with real middot work and self-improvement.

I don't want to say what it was, but let's use another example:

Let's say that I have problems with anger & spreading rumors, I enjoy making nasty barbs at others, and struggle a lot with giving the benefit of the doubt. (Ew, what a nasty person!)

(BTW, conventional therapy would diagnose me as suffering from low self-esteem and work on making me feel better about myself to stop the negative behaviors – which, as discussed above, doesn't ultimately help.)

So maybe I think my core problematic middot are anger, a sadistic streak (i.e. the middah of achzariyut/cruelty), and cynicism. And people who know me well might agree.

But when I do a raw cheshbon hanefesh in hitbodedut, I discover that I have a serious problem with envy. (Again, NOT the problem I discovered. This is a decoy.)

But wait – I never considered myself an envious person before! In fact, I always thought that envy was the LEAST of my problems!

And now, I am faced with the realization that not only is envy a problem for me, it is actually a HUGE problem and the root cause of my other bad middot.

(Meaning, most of the time rage boiled over, it had to do with envy. The nasty barbs and rumor-mongering emanated from envy, etc. Again, all theoretical.)

Again, these weren't my exact issues, but looking back, I don't blame anyone (including professionals) for not having cottoned on to one of the main middot I needed to fix.

It's was disguised by several other bad middot.

And in hindsight, I honestly don't see that it would've been picked up on in therapy.

Also, when you first stumble across a bad middah, you can be plunged into terrible shame, which might be a barrier when you're working via another person.

But it's okay because Hashem already knew this about you and anyway, HE was the One who planted it within you (so it's not really your fault that you have it, although you still have a responsibility to fix it).

So you can deal with the shame that way.

In fact, once you've discovered the middah and felt ashamed, you can now be really happy with this evidence that you are such a wonderful person who works on yourself so sincerely, and that Hashem loves you so much for doing so, and you've also sweetened dinim just by doing this.

Anyway, I don't blame anyone for never catching it.

It merely proved to me the importance of doing your own work on yourself in private with Hashem.

Conclusion

So I hope that clarifies things more.

Like I've said before, I think that therapy can be helpful for spot-cleaning specific issues.

After all, it helped me with a couple of specific issues and I've seen others helped too.

However, I've seen time and again that fixing a specific issue often does not lead to overall self-improvement.

Even feeling better or feeling happier does not automatically lead to overall better behavior.

(Along these lines, I could tell you a couple of stories of the hurtful behavior of cheerful people on antidepressants. Not the homicidal behavior of a minority, but the routine verbal behavior of many on antidepressants who indeed feel happier, but really should tape up their mouths. So they feel really good, but sometimes behave very badly WHILE feeling really good!)

If it addresses an actual middah, then yes, it can lead to self-improvement (although there are other middot that need to be addressed; rare is the person who only has one problematic middah).

And as has been mentioned in previous posts, statistics show that, for example, most divorced couples invested in marital therapy prior to divorce (i.e., the therapy did not help the marriage).

The same issues apply when going to any adviser for help.

Whether they realize it or not, many people invest in therapy to feel better, whether they actually become better people or not.

If you're in a situation in which you crave the relief gained from pouring out your heart to a sympathetic listener AND you can afford to pay someone for this...well, okay. I honestly don't know.

Ultimately, I think it's good to be aware of:

what you're really in therapy for
what the therapist can honestly do for you
what you can get out of it
how to deal the difference between feeling better & truly being a better person

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Stories of People who Overcome Pain & Trauma with Help from Regular People (and Not Professionals)

20/1/2020

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It's interesting that despite modern psychology's insistence that people cannot successfully overcome trauma & bad middot without therapy, you can actually run across people who've done just that.

It's not just that the victim didn't turn into a criminal; the former victim actually ended up becoming a good person.

Not a perfect person, but definitely a good person.

Nice. Moral. Compassionate.

The former victim became a decent spouse and parent.

Having said that, I do think that therapy with a goal-oriented emunadik therapist and a sincere and willing client can be very helpful (although the main work really needs to be done by the person him- or herself).

The problem is that many therapists (even frum ones) aren't necessarily emuna-oriented and many clients are not willing to do the real cheshbon hanefesh and middot work it takes to improve.

However, this idea that people cannot recover from traumatic experiences, that they cannot overcome their upbringing, without modern psychological theories and modern psychological treatment continues to be doggedly promoted, both in the secular world and the frum world.

This idea has become an absolute.

But I personally know or have read about people who overcame very difficult childhoods to become very decent people. Not perfect people, but certainly not dysfunctional people. Not even close.

And they did at least most of it without therapy.

Also, from the therapist's side of things...a person doesn't necessarily need a degree in psychology to help others.

Often, a caring friend with a strong sense of empathy, emotional intelligence, and emunah can do the job just as well if not better.

And what I discovered from reading Holocaust memoirs was that people were a lot more aware than we are given to believe.

And people were able to help each other.

A lot depended on how much the other cared about the person in trouble and whether they understood what that particular person needed.

Again, empathy & emotional intelligence played a huge role in helping the other.

(SPOILER ALERT: This post references the endings of several books you may or may not have read.)

Empathy & Validation as Natural Responses to Pain

In Holocaust memoirs that told of the period after Liberation, I noticed a recurring theme.

First of all, the survivors grouped together and repeatedly told their stories.

And everyone listened to each other empathetically.

This repeated outpouring of experiences, including lots of tears and non-judgmental listening, continued until the survivors no longer needed to do this.

It was a kind of purging of pain.

Interestingly, people who suffered through a death camp did not scoff at the pain of survivors of convents or others who, though they also suffered, had it much easier than those in a death camp.

A Death Camp Survivor Comforts a Survivor of the Convent

For example, in Behind the Walls, 15-year-old Chana ends up in a frum orphanage after having survived the Holocaust in a convent.

All the girls there are trying to rebuild their shattered lives.

One day, one of the other girls notices that Chana looks sad.

Annette, the survivor of the death camps, comes over to Chana and smiles at her understandingly and asks, gently, "Are you still 'there' in your memories?"

When Chana answers in the affirmative, Annette reassures her, "Don't worry. It's impossible to erase everything all at once. Slowly you'll free yourself. I am the same way."

This is astonishing empathy from a girl who survived torture and starvation while Chana lived in the relative safety and nourishment of the convent. Yes, most of the nuns were abusive and the convent was terribly cold in the winter while the food only fulfilled their minimum caloric needs...but it was still a nice refuge compared to the horrors of Auschwitz.

Annette goes on to say, "I understand that you didn't have it easy either."

How can Annette even compare the two? How is Annette so empathetic toward Chana's trauma when Annette's trauma was so much worse? Annette is obviously a genuinely caring & understanding young woman.

Then Annette reminds Chana that Annette's "there" was much worse than Chana's "there" – but not to put down Chana or invalidate Chana's pain.

On the contrary, Annette seeks to encourage Chana that if Annette and the other camp survivors can rehabilitate themselves, then Chana can too.

Then Annette gives an inspiring speech about the will to survive and to rebuild the Jewish people.

"I know it is hard to continue, but one must," Annette concludes.

Chana feels invigorated by Annette while the reader feels awed.

How is Annette so empathetic and encouraging of a girl who hadn't suffered nearly as much as she did?

It certainly wasn't because of anyone psychological theories! After all, these girls never learned psychology; they were only teenagers by the end of the War.

Annette simply possessed a wise & discerning heart, a good heart (which Pirke Avot tells us is the most important thing to have).

Post-Trauma Depression & How Survivors Dealt with It

A common & understandable response after the initial Liberation was depression.

In A Daughter of Two Mothers, twentysomething Leichu finds herself depressed around a month after Liberation.

She feels confused by and terribly ashamed of her own crying because she realizes that, hidden in a cave amid a beautiful forest by a Roma (gypsy) couple who treated her as if she was their own cherished daughter, Leichu got off quite lucky in comparison to her fellow Jews.

And while they came close to starvation at one point, Leichu and the Roma couple managed to have proper heating and delicious nourishing food most of the time.

But after Liberation, Leichu is surrounded by survivors of the ghettos and death camps.

So she feels ashamed of her grief.

Silently, Leichu cries and sinks into lethargy.

At one point, Mathili (a friend from before the War & a survivor of Auschwitz) decides that Leichu has been depressed for long enough.

She shouts at Leichu with "terrible screams" designed to jumpstart Leichu from her bed.

It works.

Once Leichu is on her feet, Mathili then switches to a loving & earnest approach. She implores Leichu to stop her obsessive thoughts of "What if I'd done this or what if I'd done that?" regarding Leichu's murdered mother.

Mathili then gives Leichu a beautiful speech of loving mussar, strengthening Leichu's emuna and reminding Leichu that "even though we don't understand, even though it is very, very hard for us – it was all done for our good somehow."

This is amazing emuna coming from a young woman who lost so much.

But from what I've read, it wasn't uncommon for fellow Holocaust survivors to allow each other that time to grieve and be depressed, then spur each other out of depression before losing themselves completely.

Again, the empathy, the understanding that grief & crying is acceptable & appropriate, but that at some point, one needs to be spurred out of it – where was it coming from?

There were no therapists around.

And while psychological theories proliferated in the early 20th Century, these young people would not have encountered the theories prior to the War, both because of their youth and their inaccessibility.

Because of their good sense and their caring hearts, they were able to do instinctively what psychologists claim is impossible without their theories.

Maybe It's Not Lack of Therapy That's The Problem, But Too Much Shallow Culture?

Interestingly, I once read that Holocaust survivors who came to Eretz Yisrael ended up better off than those who went to America.

Why?

Because in Eretz Yisrael, they were allowed to talk about their experiences.

In America, they were expected to repress them.

And sometimes the obtuseness survivors faced just made you go "Huh?"

For example, I remember reading one memoir in which the teenage survivor who ended up with relatives in the US was expected to go to sock hops and wear lipstick in order to forget her torture in Auschwitz. Her American family could not understand why she could not put the horrors behind her and immerse herself in the non-Jewish teeny-bopper lifestyle of the 1950s.

In Leah Kaufman's Live! Remember! Tell the World!, Leah survives the brutal Transnistria death march and is one of 3 survivors of Pechora, one of the most horrific death camps in Transnistria.

By age 10, Leah had seen her entire family die one by one, along with other truly horrific incidents. She needed to survive on her own in a cruel & genocidal world.

And with Hashem's Help, she did.

In 1947, Canada offered to accept over a thousand child survivors (on the condition that the Canadian Jewish Congress took full responsibility for their support) and Leah was one of them.

Though the director of the Jewish Immigrant Aide Society pondered how to greet the traumatized children in the most healing way possible, including preparing the aides with "social work techniques" designed with the traumatized children's needs in mind, Leah remembers the techniques and approaches as "empty, cold, and inappropriate."

The social workers also tried to get the children to open up about their experiences, but the children did not want to. (They did this upon the children's arrival, while the children were still en route to being settled, which is sort of strange, if you think about it.)

Leah was placed with a caring, yet secular, Jewish family who felt that speaking Yiddish at home was all they needed to preserve their Jewish continuity.

Immediately after they welcomed 15-year-old Leah into their family (perhaps they'd been advised to do so by well-meaning professionals), they asked Leah about her original family and what had happened to them.

Yet when Leah told them, this new family did not know how to respond to such horror.

They looked away silently before finally saying, "Maidele, du bist a groise fantazie – Little girl, you have a big imagination."

This unexpected response threw Leah into shock and made her determined to never speak of her past again. And she didn't until circumstances opened up that convinced her to speak out.

Nonetheless, the family continued to lavish material nurturing on Leah and even called her their "teire tochter – dear daughter."

Leah appreciated their dedication to her, even as she realized their limitations in giving her what she really needed emotionally.

In viewing the less healing response in North America, it's logical to assume that culture played a part. Even when psychology was considered and applied, it wasn't necessarily helpful (as in Leah's case).

Again, to facilitate healing, traumatized people really need to be dealt with via sincere warmth, acceptance, understanding of their individual needs, and emotional intelligence. As we see in the above examples, a teenage survivor of trauma herself could possess these traits while a trained professional could lack these traits.

(By the way, Leah is a truly remarkable & inspiring Jew. It is unfathomable that she came out of such horror and brutality with a personality so full of love, compassion, and emuna. In fact, I'm pretty sure I met her at one point, before I knew who she was, and found her to be a very warm, sweet, and sensitive person. You can see more about Leah in Choose Life: A Documentary about Leah Kaufman, but please be forewarned that some of the images included are extremely disturbing.)

A Heimish Chassidish Heart

When I was going through a hard time, a Yerushalmi chassidish acquaintance in her mid-20s called me.

She really spoke to my heart and I was both shocked and touched that she knew exactly what to say to me.

We came from such different backgrounds and there was no way she ever encountered therapy techniques.

We didn't even know each other so well.

How did she know that not only would it be good to call me, but also to know what to say?

When I asked her this later, she said that she simply sat down and thought about me, and what I must be feeling. After contemplating this for a while, she pondered what I might want.

Then she called me and said all that she said.

I was floored that someone would think about me like that when they already had a full life, and it taught me the real secret to reaching people in a healing manner: thinking about THEM – what's good for them, what's REALLY good for them, what THEY need, and so on.

I know I don't always succeed in doing this, but I think it's the correct goal.

And in the above examples, I think that's the difference in response.

When the Holocaust survivors were with people who fearlessly focused on their needs regardless of personal comfort, they received a genuinely helpful response.

When faced with people who cared, but could not step outside of themselves completely and could not let go of their own emotional comfort level, the survivors received a stunted response.

Dealing Properly with Unique Trauma

Returning to A Daughter of Two Mothers: Aside from the trauma of the Shoah, the book also shows how different people face other traumatic situations at different times.

Sometimes, they were handled wisely and sometimes not.

Leichu emphasizes that when her mother poured out her heart to Rivka Klar over the years, Rivka never told her not to cry. She accepted the tears and the pain, which is exactly what Leichu's mother needed & gave her comfort.

In another scene, Leichu confides in the Roma laundress (who later saves Leichu from the Nazis) that Leichu is actually adopted and expresses her anguish over this discovery.

The Roma woman simply hugs and rocks Leichu back and forth until Leichu calms down. Then the woman says some supportive and insightful words, which give Leichu a lot of comfort & encouragement.

Leichu is able to recover from her shock and go on with her life.

Later, when Leichu is with her real mother and struggling to adjust to the world of poverty with a loving widowed birth mother versus Leichu's previous world in an adoptive family with a upper-class mother and father in a life of luxury, Leichu again turns to the Roma laundress who grants Leichu more insight into her situation, then wisely says:

"You must accept this duality: that you enjoy your present life, yet miss your past life at one and the same time. That's the way it should be, that's exactly how you should feel, and you may well feel that way for a long time." (page 267)

This validation and insight was exactly what Leichu needed to hear, and it enabled her to go forward. (It is also obviously wise & true.)

Throughout the book, Leichu encounters different people throughout her struggles. Some respond unhelpfully. But it was amazing how many people did respond in a way that was validating, empathetic, and offered solutions & hands-on assistance that were genuinely helpful.

How did they manage this when they couldn't have possibly read any book on trauma or psychology, or have any experience with what Leichu was going through, whether it was dealing with her surprise discovery of her adoption or recovering from the Holocaust?

Again, I think the people who fearlessly and sincerely focused on what Leichu's real needs were managed to respond in a way that was genuinely helpful.

"Has Something Terrible Happened to You?"

As mentioned above, Leichu discovers she's adopted and this throws her into distress.

She becomes depressed and disconnects from her friends, her beloved nanny, and her schoolwork.

Eventually, her adoptive mother (who doesn't know that Leichu now knows the truth) takes her to the doctor.

After not finding anything physically wrong with Leichu, the doctor waits until the adoptive mother leaves the room to discuss tests with a nurse. He then sits down with Leichu and looks her in the eye.

"What is bothering you, Leichu?" he says. "Has something terrible happened to you?"

It's clear he's asking whether she has been abused in some way.

She tries to brush off the question, but the doctor refuses to be dismissed.

Not wanting to tell him about the traumatic discovery of her adoption, she simply says she discovered that "the world is full of thorns and thistles, and if there are flowers, they are hidden and surrounded by lots of thorns."

The doctor validates her perception of the world, then offers her thoughtful advice on how to navigate her way through "the garden of life without getting pricked too much."

The doctor's words sit well with Leichu and she throws herself into following his advice, which truly benefits her.

This was the 1930s in Budapest. Psychology was already established, though not nearly as developed as it is today. It makes sense that the doctor might have learned whatever psychology was available at that time.

However, modern psychology will tell you that prior to the, say, 1970s-80s, no one knew about abuse, so no one ever considered that possibility or talked about it, etc.

This also never made sense to me because of course people knew these things happened. Maybe they didn't think these things were common, but they certainly knew.

And clearly the doctor was aware of the possibility, as he clearly shows by his questioning.

He was also sensitive enough to realize that if Leichu hadn't confided in her adoptive mother about it, then Leichu would not reveal it in front of her, which is why the doctor waited until the woman left the room before sensitively confronting Leichu.

Now, how the doctor would handle the scenario had actual abuse been committed?

I have no idea.

But clearly, he was aware of the possibility and prepared to deal with it, and seemed genuinely concerned about it.

Tachlis: What is the Goal?

The intention of this post was not to bash well-meaning therapists who strive to help their clients heal from trauma and become emotionally healthy people.

Like I said, I think they can be helpful (although personal observation tells me that many are not as helpful as touted).

This post is more against the widely promoted idea that we were all helplessly dysfunctional until modern psychology came along to save us, and that therapy is the only solution for healing emotional pain.

And this is more in favor of the idea that normal caring people who possess emotional intelligence can be just as helpful, if not more so.

(In fact, you see that modern Western society is more dysfunctional now – with all the psychological theories and therapy available – than it used to be.)

And I think there is so much in modern psychology that is actually harmful. While I see people successfully dealing with 1 or 2 issues in therapy, they overall don't become better or nicer people (even though they often feel better).

I think that genuine compassion and caring, combined with emotional intelligence and rooted in emunah can take a person much farther in both helping others & helping oneself.

And I think it's those qualities we should be focusing on.

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Encouraging Words from the Pele Yoetz

17/1/2020

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The Best Advice on How to Destroy Your Bad Middot without Destroying Yourself

10/1/2020

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The #1 Ultimate Way to Alleviate Suffering in This World (and it sure ain't easy and maybe even seems impossible, but even a little bit still helps)

9/1/2020

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At one point, I was feeling all out of sorts and having a difficult time lifting myself out of the doldrums and despondency.

So I did what a lot of people do, and I decided to open up at random a book written by a tzaddik and use that as a direct message from Hashem about how I should proceed.

People do this with the Chumash, the Lubavitcher Rebbe's letters, Rebbe Nachman's Likutei Moharan – anything written by either Hashem or one of His tzaddikim will work.

I chose Volume I of Words of Faith by Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender because his words always speak to me so meaningfully, and I always feel he's so full of love and understanding.

Page 133 turned up with the sub-heading:
Thinking of Tachlis Alleviates Harsh Devotions

"Tachlis" can be translated as "the Ulitmate Goal" – meaning, completing your own rectifications, sweetening and bringing the Geula, influencing Am Yisrael & the world positively (albeit invisibly), and earning yourself a fabulous portion in the World to Come.

Rav Bender starts off this section by discussing how holy men in his time were able to carry out such harsh devotions, like immersing in a roofless mikveh among chunks of ice. Or doing hitbodedut outside in a forest for hours in searingly cold weather while hopping from foot to foot just to prevent freezing to death.

The answer is:

The more a person is bound to Tachlis [Ultimate Goal], the easier it is for him to serve Hashem Yisbarach. Despite all the difficulties and toil, the pain and suffering – thinking of Tachlis turns it all to a good sweet life...

(Full disclaimer: Needless to say, we're discussing an idea that is way, way beyond me right now. So I'm going to quote Rav Bender directly throughout this post so you can get it straight from his pure & holy heart.)

Despite how far we feel from this level, it is still a good goal to keep in mind.

Rav Avigdor Miller spoke a lot of focusing on all the wonders and pleasures of Hashem's world. Mesillat Yesharim spoke of how we are supposed to take pleasure in This World, even though that is very difficult for many of us, practically speaking.

But it is a beneficial goal.

It's a quintessentially Jewish idea at the root of our whole system of emunah & daas.

And this is the paradox we live in.

Rav Bender goes on to acknowledge that "The world is filled with pain and bitterness."

Correct! Couldn't have said it better.

For indeed there is strong bitterness in this world. It is there whatever you do...

Exactly.

Then Rav Bender says (pg. 134):

However, when one is bound to the Tachlis, he doesn't experience any bitterness and difficulty... It is possible to jump into a frozen mikveh, to rip raw wounds easily... Because the heart that is attached Above in a strong bond doesn't feel any pain.

Why the Heck is This Uplifting?

Why IS this uplifting?

Many of us might feel like this is yet another level we can never reach.

Like, "Uh, binding myself to the Tachlis and attaching my heart Above in such a strong bond that I no longer feel any pain? Well, gosh. Yet another thing to just plain fail at again...thanks a lot."

But the truth is that knowing that the joy is out there can bring a glimmer of light to a long, dark, claustrophobic tunnel.

The truth is that people who have worked on connecting to Hashem, finding meaning in yissurim, and focusing on the Tachlis tend to be happier and deal with suffering better than those who don't do this at all.

Yes, they may still find themselves down in the dumps at times.

But they are still better off overall.

Furthermore, people who at least try to fulfill this idea find themselves not only behaving better, but actually feeling better in situations that used to stress them out.

People who at least work on binding themselves to the Tachlis (or whatever words they use to describe it) will tell you that there are situations that used to hurt them or really throw them off balance, and now those same situations either make them laugh or they respond with emotional equanimity.

Not with EVERYTHING, but I personally know people for whom this is true at least some of the time.

I'm not talking about repressing or lying to themselves or faking their outer behavior (although there is also value in the "fake it 'til ya make it" method).

I'm talking about regular people who affected such a real inner change in a particular area that their heart, their actual emotions truly changed (at least in some situations that previously used to knock them out of the game).

So whether or not we reach the level of "suffering without actually feeling any suffering whatsoever," connecting to this idea still can grant us extra light in our life, extra happiness, and more emotional equilibrium.

Connecting to this idea even a little can still make us better people, even if only in some small way (which is still a million times better than not improving at all).

The main way to do this, says Rav Bender throughout the book, is to talk to Hashem as you would a Best Friend who truly loves and understands you, and is always forgiving.

Why on Earth Do We Beg Hashem to Grant Tzaddikim a Good Reward?

Rav Bender brings a chiddush from another Breslov tzaddik, Rav Avraml.

In Shemoneh Esrei, we say, "V'Ten sachar tov l'chol habotchim b'Shimcha b'emet — And grant good reward to all those who trust in Your Name in truth."

Who are the people who trust in Hashem's Name "b'emet" – for real?

They are the people who live every moment with the Tachlis in mind. Their hearts are always connected Above.

And who are they?

Our tzaddikim!

But think about that for a moment.

Why on earth do we need to beg Hashem 3 times a day to grant TZADDIKIM a good reward?

After all, they're tzaddikim.

Of course they get reward! If they don't, then who does?

The answer is: They live in a state of sweetness.

Suffering doesn't pain them.

So how can suffering atone for them?

As Rav Bender explains: "not only do they not feel the pain of meaningless worldly suffering, they also experience good life."

What's more, we have further elucidation from Rav Yaakov HaLevi Dov (who attended the shiur from which this page was transcribed & apparently said the following in the middle of this shiur):

The idea here outlined is in line with a statement of the Rebbe:

The World to Come – we believe in.

But "This World" – those who have it good here – he does not see. Only Gehinnom...

Meaning, the average person goes through so much worldly suffering that it cannot really be said that he "lives it up" in a secular sense.

However, tzaddikim – who merit to live with constant awareness of Tachlis – are able to enjoy life while here too.

Because they are connected to what life is really about and they live on a higher plane...

And that's why we need to beg Hashem to still grant them a good reward: Even though they're experiencing pleasure and not the cleansing pain of yissurim (suffering), their enjoyment still shouldn't detract from their Ultimate Reward.

So that's where it's at.

And I don't think I'm anywhere near this level, and I still have my falls, but I do see that at least attempting to grasp onto this concept really does help at least a little.

And hopefully, people will take from Rav Bender's words whatever they're able, whatever level they happen to be at right now, b'ezrat Hashem.

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Blog/Personal Update

2/1/2020

0 Comments

This is just to let you know that I've nearly completed my final techie updates.

I now have Windows 10, Office 2013, and the Nativ filter. (This is why so many different standard things weren't working on my computer. I hadn't realized that Windows 7 is considered so outdated now. For me, it was still modern & new!)

Plus, we've returned all our household technology (the house phoneline, the Internet connection, and the underlying cables) back to Bezeq, rather than having them split between 3 different companies as they were before, which periodically caused us problems all these years.

It was switching all that over than knocked out our phoneline and Internet for 2 weeks.

I really love Nativ. (Netfree is another excellent option and was our first choice, but for our current needs, Nativ suits us better at this point.)

At the same time, I'm still getting used to using it and things get wonky at times.

As described in a previous post, hi-tech hates boundaries. It despises any kind of limitations. So the more you try to limit and curb its undesirable parts, the more difficult & aggravating it becomes to use. Even antivirus programs can make you problems at times.

(But better that inconvenience than suffering a virus or malware attack, right?)

So I might have weird blips here as I get used to using stuff with Nativ. (A really good thing about Nativ is that they go out of their way to accommodate your online needs, both your spiritual needs and your practical/professional needs, and they do so in a friendly & willing manner.)

But before I took on such a powerful filter, I mentally prepared myself that now, anything I do online, no matter how innocent, necessary, or spiritual (like reading Toras Avigdor) is now going to be at least somewhat less convenient & less uncertain than it was before.

And that's just the price you pay sometimes.

It's like no matter how inconvenient or uncertain or uncomfortable the situation becomes, you simply cannot transgress Shabbat unless it's a matter of life and death. You cannot eat treif. You cannot shake hands with the opposite gender.

(Note: I had a chassidish woman friend who, in reward for some work she did, needed to stand in line and shake hands with the USA Vice-President of that time (the 1970s, I believe), and avoided doing so via her own inner determination and outer charm, grace, and good humor. BTW, the Vice-President was totally fine with her respectful head-'n'-shoulders-curtsy in place of a handshake and he chuckled at her witty one-liner excuse for why she wasn't shaking his hand.)

And I'm not going to judge people who feel they aren't yet up to applying such powerful filters to their own Internet.

It took me a while to work up to it myself. And reading Rav Shimshon Dovid Pincus's Nefesh Chaya helped enormously with making both the decision & the transition.

I'm really glad not to have to deal nearly as much with all sorts of undesirable images anymore (though no filter is perfect). For example, this wonderful Weebly website-host features a flash-image of a young woman with a particularly inappropriate tattoo every time you log out. You can't avoid it! And I personally did not like seeing this.

Just as bad, I always needed to remember not to log out when my husband or children were around, so they wouldn't see it too. (And this is when I had a filter, albeit one not as good as Nativ or Netfree.)

But with Nativ, it just logs out normally without any images. Yay!

Also I can't surf anymore, which ended up being a huge time-sinkhole, even if I wanted to look up something innocent, like a recipe or the answer to a question on Quora.

Also, it's really not so healthy to read what all sorts of people say when these people do not share your Torah values and perspectives.

So I'm feeling good about this, even as I dislike the transition-phase.

And that's how it goes.

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What is the Authentic Torah Response to Jew-Hatred?

29/12/2019

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I guess we've all heard by now about the shocking stabbing attack in Monsey, along with other incidents of Jew-hatred in both New York and London.

Please continue saying Tehillim for the complete refuah of Yehosef ben Perel, Meir Yehosef ben Vittel, Shloime ben Vittel and Naftali Tzvi ben Gila.(Source)

And these are just the latest.

Often, these are followed by calls to make aliyah.

As a Jew who lives in Eretz Yisrael, I obviously think living in Eretz Yisrael is a great idea.

Also, I've grown to both like & admire many of this blog's chutznik readers who've left comments and sent emails, and I would love to have such special, sincere Jews as neighbors in my building or street, so there is a "selfish" reason for my wanting you to make aliyah.

Certainly, the valiant Chassidim who strove to protect their fellow Jews from the machete-wielding attacker by throwing a coat rack, a table, and rocks on him while getting the others out to safety – not to mention, the quick-witted father who locked the doors to the shul just in time while calling for fellow congregants to lock the other entrances too – these are very precious frum individuals whom I would like to have in my community.

And it's particularly odd & disturbing that the first part of the incident occurred in the Rebbe's living room (i.e., not a publicly accessible place) – and on Chanukah.

And yes, there is the famous saying (I think attributed to Rabbi Noach Weinberg z"l) that goes something like: "When they start killing Jews in the street, it's time to leave."

The thing that many of us pro-aliyah people forget is that Jews have been killed in the streets of Eretz Yisrael too, rachmana litzlan.

Hashem is the Only Real "Safe Space"

Something I find very sobering is that there is not one "safe" place in the world today for Jews.

At one point, Jews could escape pogroms, institutional persecution and discrimination, and later, the Shoah, by fleeing to North America.

South America and Great Britain also proved to be places that Jews could live in relative freedom and thrive.

But the world is shrinking in that regard. Even places reputed to host genial & open-minded non-Jews (like Sweden, Norway, and Denmark) are facing serious problems with Jew-hatred.

Even Antarctica isn't an option, due to it being populated by secular liberals from around the world. (Secular liberals aren't exactly into Jewish values or protecting Torah-observant Jews.)

And yes, I have always felt "safe" in Eretz Yisrael – safer than I ever did anywhere else in the world. Even when I feared to ride the buses during Rabin's bulldozering "Piece" Plan, I still felt relatively safe other than that.

If you read any sefer in authentic Torah Judaism or any discussion in Chazal of the proper response to Jew-hatred, it always has to do with our own service of Hashem, particularly avodat halev; Hashem wants our hearts.

Rav Avigdor Miller constantly spoke of this, that performing mitzvot with joy is our main salvation.

Sure, if you can move to a safer geographical location, then that's good hishtadlut (effort-making).

But since the Shoah, there has been an all-consuming focus on geographical location being the remedy for persecution and genocide.

This was Theodore Herzl's propaganda (among others) and it has permeated the frum community too, to an extent.

And so...

You can be a goy in Eretz Yisrael too. People have done it & still do it.

You can be a total rasha in Eretz Yisrael too. People have done it & still do it.

If you feel that Eretz Yisrael in the best place to live to increase you avodat Hashem and be a better Jew, that it's worth giving up a more comfortable gashimiut for a deeper ruchniut...then those are wonderful reasons to make aliyah.

If you feel that the Torah tells you to go to Eretz Yisrael, that you wish to follow the passages in Chazal that encourage making one's permanent home in Eretz Yisrael, then that's a wonderful reason.

Our biggest tzaddikim have done exactly that throughout the ages.

However...will you be physically safer here than anywhere else?

I'm not sure. Maybe. Maybe yes! A couple of the Gedolei Hador are reputed to have said exactly that.

But really, it all goes back to keeping Torah and mitzvot with your heart.

It goes back to separating yourself from non-Jewish culture, to stop admiring all sorts of aspects of the culture of your country.

This includes us in Eretz Yisrael, by the way.

How many Jews here have tried to adapt non-Jewish values to life in Eretz Yisrael?

How many Jews put their trust in politicians? (And who cares if they're "religious" or not? We aren't into politicians or getting too close to the government in general. Big mistake.)

But who cares what I say or think?

I'm not a big talmid chacham and never will be.

So here are the words of others on this topic:

Anti-Semitism Through the Lens of the Torah
Rav Avigdor Miller on Rising Anti-Semitism
Rav Avigdor Miller on Joining the Fight Against Antisemitism
Rav Avigdor Miller on Understanding the Holocaust
Rav Avigdor Miller on Our Response to Antisemitism (Please scroll down to the last video.)
Should We Daven About Antisemitism? (Rav Itamar Schwartz)
To Live in Eretz Yisrael or Not? (Rav Itamar Schwartz)
What is Galus America? (Rav Itamar Schwartz)
Perspective toward the Netanyahu Government? (Includes question regarding Satmar hashkafah & the answer regarding the government is most interesting and one I've never heard before or since – also by Rav Itamar Schwartz)

Our Best Response to Increasing Acts of Jew-Hatred

Tachlis: What are we supposed to be doing?

And this includes me, needless to say, because we are all part of the same "body," so to speak. Meaning that me and the Jews stabbed in Monsey are all fingers on the same hand, so to speak.

So if someone gets whacked by a machete in Monsey, I in Eretz Yisrael need to ask myself what I can do to prevent this from happening again.

Well, here are the words of the Kaliver Rebbe ztz"l, who not only survived the Shoah with his emunah fully intact, but also survived Mengeles's sadistic "experiments":

Solid emunah in Hashem (really knowing that Hashem is running EVERYTHING)
Loving our fellow Jews
Serving Hashem with joy
Keeping Shabbat scrupulously
Saying "Shema Yisrael"

By embracing the above, the Kaliver Rebbe assures us we do not need to fear wars.
(See here: The Kaliver Rebbe: "Each day is its own Yom Hashoah.")

Note especially his final quote:

"When we say Shema Yisrael, and we are unified there is no need to worry about another Holocaust."

Also, Rav Miller explains how the Torah states that the most horrific things can befall us simply for not serving Hashem b'simcha.(!!!) Please see here:

God Just Wants Us to Enjoy Life & Have Fun: Rav Miller on Parshat Ki Tavo

And please see his original dvar Torah here:

Parshas Ki Savo 2 – Serving Hashem with Joy

Finally, some wonderful advice from Shiffy Friedman's H.E.A.R.T. Initiative arrived in my Inbox recently.

The entire article is about how to bring one's heart into the picture, and not go through life as a glazed-eyed observer.

First of all, she takes on the kind of self-criticism that often passes for self-accounting (boldface & underline mine):

Too often, when we delve into our inner world, we end up with yet another layer of self-criticism.

“Oh,” we tell ourselves, “You’re just trying to cop out of life. I know why you’re eating/buying/doing this now/why you just wasted two hours on the computer/phone/why you made this massive Chanukah bash. It’s because you want to numb your emotions/you don’t want to face what you’re really feeling.”

In this way, we’re actually turning our self-exploration against us.

Then she comes up with this gem (underline mine):

While self-exploration can be painful—it often involves looking inside the crevices our heart we’ve been turning a blind eye to for too long, if it only makes us more resentful of ourselves or others, that’s a sign that it’s not only not helpful, but harmful.

If we're becoming angrier or our hatred is increasing, then that's a sign we aren't doing a real cheshbon hanefesh; we're not doing real teshuvah.

Real teshuvah (as opposed to imitation teshuvah) actually makes us better people.

That's its whole point.

She recommends taking the time to contemplate what we've done right and to discover our inner light (which emanates from the pure neshamah).

I think what she's aiming for is getting in touch with the yetzer hatov, and not just focusing on the yetzer hara.

She says she'll be delving deeper into how exactly to do this next week.

This is the sign-up for her newsletter:
emotionalwellnessthroughTorah@gmail.com (Type "subscribe" in the subject line.)

(And just for knowing, I receive nothing for promoting that nor does she even know I'm promoting it. I just find it beneficial & wish to share it with others.)

The Avodah of the Heart

As we've seen, switching countries is not enough. It's legitimate hishtadlut when necessary, but it's not the root solution.

Even fulfilling the mitzvah of yishuv Eretz Yisrael is not enough – we have seen how the actions of Erev Rav Jews and their victims within Eretz Yisrael actually lengthen the Exile and increase our suffering!

Wherever we are, it's avodat halev.

So to really save ourselves from the Jew-haters, we must:

Strengthen our emunah in Hashem.
Do whatever mitzvot we do with more heart, with real simcha.
Separate ourselves from the nations – and this includes a mental separation from their values & behaviors and any other anti-Torah influences

May we all succeed together in bringing the Geula sweetly & speedily.

2 Comments

<<Previous

What Does "Free Choice" Really Mean?

When You Cannot Even Move to Save Your Life

Teshuvah from Love Fixes Everything

How to Free Yourself from the Paralyzing Plague of Darkness

Final Thoughts & Plan of Action

The Profound Principles of Middah K'Neged Middah

Rav Miller's Profound Losses

Some Very Sharp Mussar

The Most Helpful Response to Jew-Hatred

Just the Act of Trying Reaps So Much Reward!

Going Back in Time for Some Personal Anecdotes

An Example of Truly Helpful Therapy for 1 Specific Issue

Lots of Money & Time with Very Little Benefit

Happier People aren't Necessarily Better People

Physical Abuse? Cured! Emotional Neglect? Well...

Who is the Focus?

Uh-Oh...I'm Even Worse Than I Thought!

Conclusion

Empathy & Validation as Natural Responses to Pain

A Death Camp Survivor Comforts a Survivor of the Convent

Post-Trauma Depression & How Survivors Dealt with It

Maybe It's Not Lack of Therapy That's The Problem, But Too Much Shallow Culture?

A Heimish Chassidish Heart

Dealing Properly with Unique Trauma

"Has Something Terrible Happened to You?"

Tachlis: What is the Goal?

Why the Heck is This Uplifting?

Why on Earth Do We Beg Hashem to Grant Tzaddikim a Good Reward?

Hashem is the Only Real "Safe Space"

Our Best Response to Increasing Acts of Jew-Hatred

The Avodah of the Heart

Myrtle Rising

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