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The Vital Importance of being Tamim with Hashem (or, Why You Really Should Never Mess with Demons, No Matter What)

25/1/2021

 
This post has been a long time in the making because ever since my husband first told me the story, he graciously went back & forth between my questions and his friend's answers.

Also, while the friend (who is the grandson of the rav in the story) allows his family's real names to be used (and even published a book in Hebrew, which included the story below), I hesitate to use the real names only because certain aspects end up in a negative light (like how most of the rav's descendants ended up divorced, irreligious, dead, etc.).

It's a bizarre story, but the lesson rings clear in the end.

​So let's get started...

The Moroccan Beginnings

In Morocco, there's an area pronounced gutturally as "Dahra" (spelled in English today as "Draa").

It hosted a thriving Jewish community, producing quite a few rabbanim proficient in what some call "practical kabbalah."

For Moroccan Jews, Draa became the go-to place if you needed protective amulets. 

Family names like Edry, Edri, and Deri indicate Jewish families who come from Draa.

Anyway...a certain family headed by a talmid chacham came from Draa to Eretz Yisrael in the 1950s or 60s and settled in the North, not far from the Golan Heights (prior to 1967, when the Golan was still under Syrian occupation).

Basic Jewish Law: The Best Protection

Before we continue with the family's personal story, we need to discuss the concept of spiritual protection within Judaism.

​Within Judaism, different levels of spiritual protection exist.

Many of our prayers contain protective elements: the morning blessings, Pitom HaKetoret (the Incense Offering), Shemoneh Esrei, the Bedtime Shema, and so on.

These are beautiful prayers & very holy, very humble, and beloved to Hashem.

​Prayer in general provides wonderful protection & blessing.

Objects of protection include a mezuzah on every doorpost of a home, holy books in the home, and so on.

Tsniyut (dignified & modest behavior & dress) provides both practical & spiritual protection for both men & women.

(Although men's tsniyus receives less emphasis, we tachlis see that every single major talmid chacham dresses with full modesty regardless of heat & humidity, and entire religious communities of men dress with full modesty and would never even entertain the idea of appearing on the street wearing, say, shorts no matter how blistering the sun.)

Learning Torah (and assisting others in learning Torah) remains one of the most powerful forms of protection.

Other Jewish concepts clearly provide all sorts of protection: shemirat halashon (guarding the tongue), shemirat anayim (guarding the eyes), and so on.

The Hebrew word shemirah can be translated as keeping, guarding, securing, or protecting.

All the above consist of following basic halacha, so people aren't doing anything unusual (although they're still doing something heroic & special) by performing the above.

So those are the standard types of protection and if you invest only in these for the rest of your life, you have made a wonderfully effective & holy investment.  

Active Appeasement of Entities? Controversial–Not Recommended

The next category is one that the vast most majority of Jews—including very holy Sages—tend to avoid.

And this category consists of appeasing impure entities (demons). 

Not everyone agrees it's even okay to perform acts of appeasement, but those who do rely on what Rav Chaim Palagi (1788-1868) wrote in Chapter 34 of Chaim BaYad. (Rav Chaim Palagi is best known for his halachic sefer Kaf HaChaim.)

At this point, I must thank my husband for reading through the difficult print & esoteric Hebrew in order to explain the ideas to me—couldn't have done it on my own. Thank you, Husband!

​In Chaim BaYad, Rav Palagi allows acts of appeasement, which he likens to appeasing human officials, like how we bow before a non-Jewish king—not because we worship him, but as part of cultural etiquette.

​This ranges from passive customs observed by all frum Jews—such as not sealing up a window in a room without making some kind of an opening in that same room—to other more proactive acts of appeasement not performed (or desired) by the majority of Jews.

It depends a lot on the holiness of the person performing the act.

Mostly, such acts aren't necessary (i.e., you're better off learning Torah or saying Tehillim), so it's best to stay away from the whole topic—which, as stated, exactly what the vast majority of Jews do: They stay away from it.

​Today, even if you hear of people seeking out these more proactive forms of appeasement (and most don't), it tends to be not-so-frum Jews seeking out rabbis to perform these acts for success in business.

The truth is, these traditional-yet-not-so-frum people would be MUCH better off guarding their eyes, davening in a minyan EVERY time EVERY day, and committing themselves to other fundamental halachot before turning to these types of appeasements.

Also, the minority of rabbis willing to carry out these acts (for a nice price, of course) aren't generally the best of the rabbinical lot...far from it, actually.

And it's questionable whether Rav Palagi himself would approve of their actions...especially regarding the price they demand in return for the "favor."

(Especially because, as stated, most of these people aren't so frum—barely or even not at all shomer Shabbat. Rav Palagi would certainly insist on their keeping the minimum of mitzvah observance and not only rely on mystical appeasements.)

​Another issue is where the more passive appeasement ends & a more proactive (and dangerous) role begins.

Judaism, being a truly pure & holy system derived straight from Hashem, definitely provides real protection.

That should be enough. We shouldn't feel the need for more.

Yet relying on that protection might make a person feel a bit too comfortable messing with these entities because he truly knows (unlike non-Jewish practitioners) how to best protect himself from harm.

The problem is that even the wisest of all men, Shlomo Hamelech, ran into trouble dealing with these entities.

​So ideally, Shlomo Hamelech's experience should be a lesson to everyone else.

Let's Go Back in Time to BEFORE We Knew that Every War Ended in a Miraculous Victory

Before we continue, we need to understand something about the very real fear Jews in Eretz Yisrael felt BEFORE we all saw how Hashem allowed us to emerge as victors (albeit with the agonizingly high price of many Jewish deaths).

Those of us who live with the modern history of Medinat Yisrael have become accustomed to miracles:

  • ​The 1948 War of Independence? Hashem clearly on our side! How else?
 
  • The 1967 Six Day War? An impossible & obviously miraculous victory!
 
  • The 1973 Yom Kippur War? THANK You, Hashem, for yet again outdoing the impossible!
 
  • All those scuds falling all over the place during the 1990-91 Gulf War? Of course hardly anyone got hurt—that's how it always goes!

(Yet what's missing in the hype over the early victories is the very real human toll. The Jewish people in Eretz Yisrael paid a very high price for these early miracles.)

But before these early miraculous victories occurred, things looked really bad.

REALLY, REALLY bad.

Vastly outnumbered by the surrounding countries, the massive enemy troops, the enemy's superior amounts of equipment & weaponry, plus the enemy's thirst for blood, vengeance, and feeling super macho...these attacks really seemed like they might be the end of the Jewish presence in Eretz Yisrael.

Remember, prior to the 1967 Six Day War, the Syrians held "the eyes of the country"—the strategic Golan Heights.

In addition, the threat of mass genocide & the savagery of the enemy soldiers struck fear in the hearts of Jews everywhere.

Stories of mutilation of the bodies of dead Jewish soldiers—and even more chillingly, reports of mutilations committed against live, but helplessly wounded Jewish soldiers (not to mention the horrific abuses committed against civilians)—imbued the Jews with desperate terror & dread.

​So this rav living with his family in the North, not far from the Syrian border, saw the situation prior to the 1967 Six Day War and felt compelled to help by any means possible.​​

​ANY means possible.

And he had means others did not.

The Demon Draft

So just to recap: Back in Draa, the rav already developed solid experience in communicating with entities for protective purposes.

He sincerely intended to help others.

I don't (nor wish to) know the particulars, but apparently, it takes two people to perform the communication because the initiator needs the hands of another person, through which he sees the entities & communicates with them.

So the rav used 3 different people: his daughter, his son, and one of his talmidim.

He had other sons and daughters and talmidim, but these 3 were the ones who assisted him.

Combined with this, the rav went along the Syrian-Israeli border and placed amulets meant to stop the Syrian troops via the use of demons.

This actually isn't such a bad idea if you think about it.

Rather than stationing Jews to face military onslaughts, station demons!

Charedim against the IDF draft can demonstrate with signs saying:

Leave yeshivah students alone!
Draft demons!
Demons must share the burden!

Nezikin tzrichim l'set banatal!

(What else could Lapid have meant when he said "hatzibur kuuuulo"—the entire public!—must share the burden of military service? Let's be fair & share the burden across the entire breadth of ALL populations! Ha!)

This method obviously has the potential to save human lives, plus enables the continuous learning of Torah by our precious young men.

Also, it would be a lot more entertaining to see the above signs in the anti-draft protests.

After all, we're probably all tired of the same old slogans.

​Anyway...

The rav from Draa clearly possessed only the best of intentions.

And indeed, Israel won the war.

What Won the War?

At this point, my husband & I segued into an interesting discussion.

How much did the rav's efforts help stem the enemy invasion from the North?

I tended to think that the copious prayers going on at that time made the difference.

Plus, Hashem had His Plans. He clearly did not want the Syrians to win.

My husband of course agreed with this, but he also felt that the rav's entity-enlisting amulets still contributed something.

(He's very into the power of the chachamim.)

Certainly, my husband has good a point, but nonetheless, I tend to think the prayers and merits of Torah learning & other good deeds decided the outcome, not to mention the then-recent genocide suffered by the Jewish people only a couple of decades prior to the Six Day War.

In other words, I think the war & the land would've been won without the amulets.

Really, it's impossible to know their specific influence on the outcome, whether it protected the locals or nationally, or how much they protected at all.

So, I'm just stating the opinion of a small person, that I firmly believe in the power of the prayers & merits of that time, not to mention the tragic kaparah of the Shoah that preceded the Six Day War.

A Disclaimer for Any Brainwashed Jew-Haters Reading This

At this point, I feel beholden to provide a disclaimer to any Jew-haters out there who think that Jews are reptilians, utilizing black magic to exploit the "goyims" (learn proper Hebrew conjugation, bigots!), worshipping entities (clearly a projection of the crazed haters themselves because pretty much every other religion worships entities EXCEPT Judaism), and all sorts of other irrational accusations.

These entities are notoriously impossible to control.

They don't like human beings and the only way to control these entities is compulsion—meaning, against their will.

Holy & knowledgeable rabbis utilize the best of protection, but sort of like how even very holy people don't go walking off cliffs due to the effects of physical physics (i.e., gravity), very holy people also don't summon entities due to the effects of spiritual physics (i.e., the entities' insatiability & inborn compulsion to harm humans). 

This is why even holy & knowledgeable rabbinical Sages stay far away from this type of activity.

For example, a Sage in the Gemara decided to view these entities, took precautions to avoid harm, but was harmed anyway. (His fellow Sages helped him recover.)

So even the greatest & holiest people get no guarantee against the entities.

And even if these entities respect the holiness & purity of a Sage, it doesn't make them nice.

That's why in Minchat Yehudah (Parshat Miketz), the demon pretending to be Eliyahu HaNavi did not simply 'fess up when confronted by the holy tzaddik Rav Yehudah Petayah.

When directly confronted by such Torah greats as Rav Shimon Aharon Agassi & Rav Yaakov the son of the Ben Ish Chai, the deceptive demon did NOT say, "Aw, shucks...I simply cannot keep up the act any longer in the face of such good & holy people! No, I'm not really Eliyahu HaNavi, but simply a demon named Elijah. I sure am sorry about fooling everyone."

No, the demon kept up the deception until Rav Petayah tried to force him to translate a verse from Yirmiyahu 10:11 (a prediction of the eventual destruction of demons) and the demonic pretender got really angry & swore never to return—and he didn't.

So the vast majority of talmidei chachamim (and regular Jews) completely avoid them because they're icky & psychopathic—plus one is likely to pay an unbearably high price for any perceived benefit (as you'll unfortunately see in a moment).

The Bitter Ends

So here's what happened to the rav & his assistants & descendants later:

The talmid, whose hands the rav used in summoning demons, fought as a frum soldier in the 1973 Yom Kippur war, during which his body was riddled with bullets—yet he miraculously survived.

The twentysomething son died while riding a motorbike, which suddenly drove straight off the road & crashed.

(I know this kind of thing happens with motorbikes, but he wasn't reckless, there weren't problems in the road that might lead to this, and witnesses said it looked like he suddenly just drove off the road for no reason.)

The rav died relatively early, like in his fifties, leaving his faithful wife a widow.

And while the rav ended up with around 100 grandchildren & great-grandchildren so far, hardly any of them are frum & nearly all of them divorced once. Their second marriages aren't so happy either, and the one or two who remained in their first marriage also aren't happy.

But the most bizarre & disturbing outcome affected his daughter Ora (yes, her real name), who was in her early twenties around the time of the following story.

It was Ora's hands via which the rav used to communicate with the entities (in addition to those of his son and talmid).

After the rav died, Ora made the occasional journey to Yerushalayim to deal with acquiring property the family wanted to own there.

Back then, the bus ride from the North to Yerushalayim took hours & depended on erratic bus service. It was a big help to the widowed mother that Ora took this task upon herself.

On her last trip, Ora got on the bus in the North—but never got off.

She simply disappeared.

Now, I know what you're thinking because I was thinking the same thing: Surely she must have gotten off the bus and THEN something happened, rachmana litzlan.

But no.

The family made inquiries on their own, plus they reported her disappearance to the police who launched an investigation.

She disappeared en route. She never got off the bus.

There was simply no sign of her and no sign of criminal or terrorist activity involved in her disappearance.

​So, being from Draa & having lived with the rav all these years, the widow suspected the involvement of entities in Ora's disappearance.

​Despite the distance & wearying journey, the rav's widow made her way to Yerushalayim to speak with big rabbanim there, but no one wanted to get involved.

As stated earlier, these entities are extremely harmful & difficult to manage. In contrast to non-Jewish practitioners (priests, shamans, occultists, etc.), even a genuinely knowledgeable rabbi does not want to deal with these entities for any reason (BECAUSE he understands how things really work—unlike the non-Jewish practitioners).

Finally, the widow went to a Druze practitioner of kochot hatumah (impure powers) in the North.

​These types of practitioners—whether you call them demonologists or priests or sorcerers or shamans or whatever—also deal with these entities, but with impure manipulations. And just like human manipulators, these entities don't mind putting on an act as long as the practitioner gratifies their demands.

​Lacking any real connection to Hashem, these practitioners get fooled into thinking they possess real powers.

So this Druze practitioner contacted some demons who informed him that Ora was still alive, but held by the demons. They abducted her from the bus.

​Supplied with this information, the widow again asked qualified rabbis for help, but none of these big rabbanim wanted to get involved in retrieving Ora because in order to do so, they'd need to contact the entities themselves and then engage in some kind of transaction to free her—which is obviously extremely risky.

After all, that's how Ora got snatched in the first place, and what rav wants to risk his own family's well-being?

However, the Baba Sali was in Eretz Yisrael at that time (1964-1984), so why not ask him for assistance? Sure, he lived way down south in Netivot, which was a VERY long & unreliable journey from the North, but worth it.

However, the grandson of the rav (who provided my husband with all this information) said he didn't know why they didn't contact him.

​In Yerushalayim, some very great & holy mekubalim lived at that time, but the grandson wasn't sure exactly which ones were consulted. He only knows that out of all the rabbanim consulted, no one wished to get involved due to the great danger to both themselves & their families.

As an interesting correlation to this demonic abduction, Rabbi Wallerstein gave a famous lecture regarding a story in the Kav HaYashar that occurred a few hundred years ago.

Just to summarize it: A mohel is called upon by a wealthy stranger who needs to make a brit milah for his newborn son.

The mohel travels with the stranger in a luxury carriage for miles & miles until they arrive at a city populated by mansions hidden in a valley.

As the mohel prepared the baby for the brit milah, the baby's mother confides that she is a Jewish woman kidnapped by demons as a young girl. The entire luxury town consists of demons and the baby's father is a demon too. 

She tells the mohel how to prevent being trapped there too, and the story ends happily for the mohel, but no more is known about the young Jewish woman who remains behind with the demons.

Though she clearly lived a life of luxury, it doesn't seem like she enjoyed it so much. After all, she helped the mohel avoid her fate while making him promise not to let on that it was she who revealed the secret to him.

It all reminds me of Rebbe Nachman's story The Lost Princess, in which the viceroy initially finds the banished princess trapped in the opulent environment of a palace, surrounded by delicacies & the finest in music & entertainment—yet the lost princess called the environment the place of the Lo Tov—the Not Good (often translated as "the Evil One").

And just as the princess eventually merited rescue from the place of the Lo Tov, may Hashem rescue all of us from the Palace of the Lo Tov too!

​But back to our story...

The Importance of being Tamim with Hashem & the Power of a Mezuzah

Judaism places a powerful emphasis on being tamim with Hashem.

It's stated outright in the Torah: Devarim/Deuteronomy 18:13.

Tamim tihyeh im Hashem Elokecha.

We need to go through our lives with wholehearted trust in Hashem.

Apart from normal hishtadlus, we need to rely on sincere prayer from the heart & improving our deeds, delving deep into our heart & psyche to accomplish this.

Sure, Syrian troops are scary.

But the best way to fight them is through teshuvah, prayer, tzedakah, and physical hishtadlus (like advanced weaponry).

On the other hand, if the Israeli government ever decides to abandon their pursuit of yeshivah bachurim in favor of recruiting demons, that might be a good idea.

Except that instead of well-meaning talmidei chachamim, we could have the Torah-hating Leftists summon the demons.

For example, just imagine if Tommy Lapid would have said, "Yair, come here please—I need to use your hands for something..."

And then later, while being chauffeured to dinner with fellow kofrim at a non-kosher restaurant, Yair suddenly disappears from the limousine!

The chauffeur alerts the Lapids: "One minute I see him uploading anti-charedi rants to all his social media accounts, and the next minute—my rearview mirror shows an empty seat, except for Yair's phone lying there with the annoying beeps of unanswered messages!"  

​A search reveals no criminal or terrorist activity. Illegal interrogations of hilltop youth ("We've never even been within dalet amot of a limo or a treif restaurant—leave us alone!") reveal no leads.

Finally, they consult a Hamas shaman, who informs them: "He's been kidnapped by demons. They're forcing him to serve as ringmaster for their circus, where he must now wear a black top hat for all performances, which so reminds him of charedim, he cries  and tantrums all day long." 

But getting back to reality now...

In the same chapter mentioned above (Chapter 34 of Chaim BaYad), Rav Palagi mentions the disturbing behavior of a specific group of Jewish women who discovered certain machinations to communicate with demons and compel them to do their bidding.

Again, they probably meant well. Women in those times possessed no rights in non-Jewish society. Outside of prayer, even Jewish women possessed little control over most aspects of life.

(The truth is that every person lacks control over life, but modern developments fool us into thinking we possess a lot more control than we actually do.)

Finances, childbirth, health, and many other aspects of life lay far out of control.

Back then, poverty meant life-threatening deprivation & hardship. Furthermore, antibiotics, infusions for those unconscious & incapable of eating, anesthesia, proper knowledge & sterilization of germs, and many other developments lay far in the future.

Also, their surrounding Muslim culture also indulged in this kind of behavior, making it seem normal. (Sort of like how we're influenced by our surrounding cultures today, even when Judaism outright forbids these influences.)

When the local rabbanim found out about their activities, they put a firm stop to it.

That kind of thing is completely forbidden in Judaism.

But what intrigued me about that anecdote was how the women removed the mezuzot from their homes in order for their machinations to work!

Meaning, even though they went through effective machinations to communicate with these forbidden entities, the entities still could not enter as long as the mezuzot remained in place!

This alone shows the power of a mezuzah.

And what is a mezuzah?

It's so little & passive.

​All in all, it's a little piece of kosher parchment with the routine Shema prayer properly inscribed on it by a knowledgeable scribe (sofer), and rolled up into a little case.

(For basic information about the mezuzah, please see here.)

While some mezuzot reside in beautiful cases, many reside in simple plastic cases.

​Yet see what powerful protection they provide!

Being Tamim with Hashem is the Best!

In Parshat Bo (I think), the Kli Yakar states the importance of not using Hashem's Name to accomplish things.

He addresses using Hashem's Name verbally, but with regard to our story, what was in the amulets stationed along the northern border by the rav?

Not sure, but usually amulets contain holy verses, holy names, etc.

There are different kinds of amulets.

But again, the main lesson here is to go tamim with Hashem.

Just keep on doing what you're supposed to & that's more than enough!

We see, despite the Draa rav's personal holiness & knowledge, the rav's extremely well-intentioned yet controversial efforts led to negative consequences affecting the rav's family at least 2 generations later and long after the rav's passing.

The fundamentals of Jewish Law & Jewish belief provide wonderful blessing & protection!:

  • Guarding your eyes brings blessing & protection.
  • Guarding your tongue brings blessing & protection.
  • Guarding yourself from anger brings blessing & protection.
  • Keep Shabbat & Shabbat keeps you! (It makes more sense in Hebrew. Basically being shomer Shabbat is shomer you. The observance of Shabbat provides blessing & protection.)
  • Prayer—particularly heartfelt prayer—brings blessing & protection.
  • Tsniyus (dignified & modest dress & behavior) brings blessing & protection.
  • Learning Torah brings blessing & protection.

Hashem gifted me with a tough example of this:

Once, due to rushed & stressful mornings, I decided to drop Pitom HaKetoret from my morning davening. Though it's an incredibly powerful part of davening with many compelling segulot, it's not strictly necessary, particularly in the obligations of Shacharit for women...and anyway, I found myself unable to say it with decent kavanah.

​Within a couple of days, one of the few people I know with psychopathic tendencies started contacting me after YEARS of no contact.

I could not figure out what the person wanted from me, but I knew from past experience that this person meant harm covered by a veneer of innocence or helpfulness. This person derived pleasure from hurting others & causing profound emotional distress.

As common among such people, this person reeled in other unsuspecting "helpers" to participate when I tried to avoid interaction.

This person also excels at trapping others into a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" dynamic, making it impossible to reach a healthy response to the person's deviousness.

Fortunately, Chazal states that if you encounter suffering, you must examine your deeds.

So I did.

I realized that the whole distressing saga welled up shortly after I dropped Pitom HaKetoret from my morning davening. 

You can bet that I immediately made it part of my regular Shacharit again.

Right after I started Pitom Ketoret again, the entire distressing situation evaporated as if it never existed.

No one from that whole set-up contacted me again—neither the person nor the "helpers."

The entire time I'd been reciting Pitom HaKetoret, I hadn't seen any obvious blessing or protection.

It looked like it wasn't "working."

And anyway, I hadn't been saying it with much kavanah.

But the entire time, it HAD been protecting me—I just didn't know it!

Why?

Because if the distress doesn't occur, then how can you ever know about it?

So that was a big lesson for me. Talk about tough love!

Just keep on doing what you CAN do and what you SHOULD do.

​Even when not perfect, it still contains value & power.

Tamim tihyeh im Hashem Elokecha.

That's more than good enough!

Postscript

I just have to add a funny-spooky thing that happened in conjunction with the story of the family from Draa.

As my husband & I discussed the particulars of the story with the rav & Ora & everything else, two lights in our living room suddenly went out.

My husband and I looked at each other and he gave me a reassuring smile.

But as a joke, I put my hands to my face & gave a fake quiet scream, like how they do in the stupid horror movies. (I made it quiet because we live in an apartment and it would be onaat devarim to distress my neighbors by screaming for real.)

The truth is that those 2 lights are connected & have flickered out on their own a couple of times before. 

But then, my husband's kosher Hadran cell phone clicked on all by itself while lying on the table out of reach of either my husband or I.

As we listened to the duet emanating on its own from the cell phone, I said, "Gosh, who knew that demons also like music by Yishai Ribbo and Amir Dadon?"

But my husband pointed out that his phone contained mostly songs by Yishai Ribbo and that any random press of the cell phone would most likely elicit a song by Yishai Ribbo.

Also, he noted that sometimes the cell phone clicked on by itself.

That's true; I've seen it happen.

But the timing, during that particular conversation, was freaky.

And funny. We laughed.

Also, we have kosher mezuzot—so nothing to fear! 

And there you go.

Related posts:
  • Temimus: Wholeheartedness is Necessary to Build Torah Institutions
  • Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about the Mitzvah of Mezuzah
  • The Theory of Absolute (one of several times Rabbi Wallerstein tells his story of gambling addiction & exit; his story starts at around 15 minutes)
  • Torah Perspectives on Addiction (one of several talks Rabbi Wallerstein has given on his prior addiction and lessons learned; I think this is one of the times when he tells the mohel story from the Kav HaYashar)
  • Past posts about Rav Yehudah Petayah & his book Minchat Yehudah


How to Resist the Attraction of "New!" & Why You Really Should

27/8/2018

3 Comments

 
Several years ago, I sat in a class given by Rebbetzin Heller in which she made the point that "New!" is a powerful tool to attract people to a certain movement or ideology.

And indeed, inserting the word "New!" is a proven method for prompting a blog post, video, or product to go viral. (Or at least, increase attention or sales.) 

In fact, studies show that the 5 most persuasive words in the English language are:
  • You
  • Free
  • Because
  • Instantly
  • New

In Rebbe Nachman's arguably most famous story, The Lost Princess, the struggling hero comes across a spring of what seems to be wine.

Now, he'd seen wine before and he'd seen springs before, but he'd never seen a wine-spring.

Ooh, shiny! New! Intriguing!

​As it says:​ 
​...and he saw a running spring, and its color was red and the smell was of wine. He asked the servant, "Have you seen? This is a spring, and there ought to be water in it, but its color is red and the smell is of wine!"  
Our hero (who is actually us) is on a specific mission and he'd even received clear instructions NOT to drink any wine on this last day. He could eat and drink, just not wine.

But the main thing is to avoid sleep at all costs.

So our struggling hero (who is actually us) -- even though he KNEW to listen to the Princess's instructions and warnings because he'd already failed the year before by eating forbidden apples and falling asleep, and even though he KNEW this was just a distraction from his mission, nonetheless -- our struggling hero decides to make an intellectual, objective study of this unusual phenomenon (which has nothing to do with his urgent mission and is of absolutely no benefit to him or the world) and then:
And he went and tasted from the spring and fell and immediately slept for several years... 
NOOOOO!

Alas.

As Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender explains in Leviat Chen:
  1. ...it's forbidden to become delayed and investigate, but one must hurry because [this part of the story] represents being forbidden to ask and desire and understand because it's impossible to in any way understand everything intellectually – one must only rely on emuna to do what needs to be done.

  2. And here, on the last day, the Princess had commanded him to guard himself and so on. And if so, it was forbidden for him to ask and investigate the matter of the spring, but only to fulfill what was necessary and to go extract her.

  3. For when we investigate a matter, we are possibly trying to explain it away as not being so horrible, and thus we don't completely negate it.

  4. And in this way, we are liable to stumble.
This is so normal and common for people to do. (People struggling with, for example, overeating or drug addiction probably recognize the above pattern.)

So what does Rav Bender advise instead, based on the lessons of this story?
  1. ...to flee from the taavot as one flees from fire, without pondering over, marveling at, or inquiring into them at all.
  2. And he shouldn't let his thoughts confound him at all.
  3. ...he should just turn his mind away from them completely and steer his mind to divrei Torah or business dealings or conversations and the like until he is rescued from what he wants to be rescued.
  4. And one must be a person of unwavering determination [akshan gadol] until he comes out victorious in this war.

Keep Your Mitzvot Fresh & Lush

As always, Judaism insists on us rising above superficial understanding.

Does the above mean we should go through life as unthinking horses with blinders?

NO.

We can of course ask, desire, investigate, and seek to understand divrei kedushah, things connected with our soul-journey and spiritual work. It's a great mitzvah to delve into Torah and to stretch our minds to understand halacha and to understand what we need to do to achieve self-improvement and rectification.

We should contemplate the best way to help others according to THEIR needs, rather than our own.

We are supposed to develop strategies to avoid lashon hara and use complex thinking to find the good points in others.

We need to brainstorm and work out the best ways to keep our routine mitzvot (like davening and brachot) fresh and new.


But it needs to be focused investigation and seeking, not just indulging our curiosity about everything that comes across our path.

Discover Your Unique Path

In fact, Rebbe Nachman himself emphasized the importance of staying "young" on the inside, of approaching each new day and each new opportunity to do a mitzvah with enthusiasm -- as if it were literally "new."

He also spoke of taking less-traveled paths in avodat Hashem and this is also hinted at in the above story when our struggling hero spots "a path off to the side" and takes it, which fortuitously leads him to the Palace of the Not Good, where he finally finds the Princess for the first time.

Yet this path off to the side IS the avodat Hashem. It's part of one's tikkun (rectification) and the way to access it is only via hitbodedut -- talking to Hashem in your own words using your personal self-expression.

In other words, the path isn't "new," per se; it's unique. 

Because Hashem created us all as unique individuals, no human being can have exactly the same relationship with Hashem as anyone else.

​Your relationship with Him is unique to anyone else's relationship with Him.

The Old-New Tricks

Yet what does the Yetzer Hara use to reel us in?
  • "New!"
  • "Intriguing!"
  • "Ever tried this before?"
  • "The newest results of our most recent investigation!" ("Most recent" is just another way of saying "new.")
  • "Never before attempted!"
  • "Introducing..." (Implies that it's new because it needs to be "introduced.")
  • "Instantly!"
  • "Suddenly..." (It wasn't there a moment ago -- it's new!)
  • "Revolutionary!"
  • "Discover!" (You don't discover something already known, only something new.)

The entertainment industry reels us in this way, as does advertising. But so many science articles with all their intellectual grandstanding also reel us in this way too, as you likely recognized from the above examples, some version of which are commonly found in prestigious peer-reviewed science publications.

Barak Obama won his presidency pretty much based on "New!"

"Change" implies something new on the way and also the idea of "America's first black president!" implies something new, although it's a misleading moniker because he is white as much as he is black, being biracial.

But much of what is presented as "New!" is actually the same old stuff, just with a modern twist.

An Age-Old Insight​

Our goal is how David Hamelech described tzaddikim millennia ago in Psalm 92:
עוֹד יְנוּבוּן בְּשֵׂיבָה;    דְּשֵׁנִים וְרַעֲנַנִּים יִהְיוּ
They shall still bring forth fruit in old age, they shall be full of sap and fresh.
It's a bit hard to convey in the English, but the Hebrew brings forth imagery of lushness and fullness.

Picture a fruit-bearing tree that's eternally young and dripping with sap, its leaves lush and green with moisture, and bursting with juicy fruits.

That's our spiritual goal for ourselves.   
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How to Achieve Bitachon in 3 Steps

19/6/2018

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In his inspiring book, Ahavat Kedumim (A Commentary on The Lost Princess), Rav Ofer Erez, explains how to acquire bitachon -- trust in God.
(Or, as Rav Avigdor Miller summed it up in one sentence: "Bitachon means to say that Hashem knows what's best for us -- that's all." Tape E-216, December 1999.)

(The following applies to the part of this profoundly allegorical story in which the giant appointed over the winds gifts the viceroy a magic vessel that contains unlimited funds; this "magic" vessel symbolizes bitchon.)

Building bitachon is a life-long process, but whatever progress you can manage is really, really good and these 3 steps can give you concrete tools on how to advance in this area.

On pages 244-250, Rav Erez explains how bitachon is built from 3 steps:
  • Step 1: Accepting that everything is orchestrated by Hashem using precise individual supervision, with this acceptance ideally leading a person to accept even challenging events with humility and submission.
Note: Humility and submission to human beings is negative. It leads to co-dependence and masochism. But with Hashem, it only leads to personal greatness and a sweetening of judgement (even if that personal greatness and sweetening are not yet perceivable).

  • Step 2: Accepting that everything is for our benefit, with this acceptance ideally leading us to accept events with love and gratitude.
Note: This is very, very difficult when going through an agonizing experience. People who've been through very painful episodes in life may even feel outraged when faced with this concept. That's normal and the only book I know that addresses this issue head-on is Garden of Emuna, with Garden of Gratitude as its follow-up for this topic. Likewise, it's also perfectly normal to have ups and downs, veering between feeling outraged or resentful and feeling accepting & grateful.

  • Step 3: Accepting events with joy by knowing there is no "bad" in the world; everything is a message from Hashem to come closer to Him.
Note: Obviously, there ARE events we perceive as bad or appalling or tragic. Likewise, Judaism does not have us hold a party when someone dies, but insists on a week of intense mourning, followed by another 3 weeks of mourning, with Tisha B'Av as an entire day of national mourning and grief. At the same time, there is a concept in Chazal that in the World to Come, the blessing we currently make over good things (Baruch Hatov v'Hameitiv), will be made over the bad things too because in the light of Truth, we'll see clearly how even the harsh and heartrending events were really for our benefit.

This is yet another example of paradox in Judaism, and one with which many people understandably struggle.


Rav Erez goes on to say:
"Within the third step, a person doesn't just subdue his will, he starts to accept b'simcha whatever passes over him. When a person accepts scorn and breaks out in dance, when a person receives troubling news and he claps his hands to sweeten the judgements, when things occur beyond his understanding and he breaks out in melody and dance for Hashem and he cries out, 'I don't understand anything. But, Abba, thank You  for concerning Yourself with me; this is certainly coming from great love' -- a tremendous light extends over the person, the light of complete bitachon. This is the light of humility and holy joy."
(Naturally, when saying it yourself, you can replace "Abba" with "Daddy" or "Tatty" or "Papa.")

And again, it's perfectly normal to achieve this level for one moment, then feel discouraged or bitter an hour later, and then to reach this level a couple of hours or moments after that.

It can even be a roller-coaster ride of days, weeks, or years.

This is the challenge and spirit of our generation.

The main thing is to at least try at whatever level you're on.

Depending on what each person has suffered in life and depending on individual personalities, some people find this much more difficult than others. That's normal.

The main thing is just to try.
___________
Related links:
Rav Ofer Erez in English
For more about the phenomena of spiritually and emotionally soaring and plummeting, even several times within a day, please see his series on Spiritual Bipolar Disorder.
Garden of Emuna (for Jews)
The Universal Garden of Emuna (non-denominational for non-Jews)
Note: I have not personally read this book, but recommend it on the strength of Rav Arush's other books, which I have read and found exceptional.
Garden of Gratitude
Note: This book is amazing, but if I hadn't read Garden of Emuna first, I would've found Garden of Gratitude too "strong" and not gotten out of it what I should. But everyone's different, so go with whatever you perceive as best for you.
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Using the 4 Elements for Self-Awareness & Self-Improvement

18/6/2018

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In his wonderful book, Ahavat Kedumim (A Commentary on The Lost Princess), Rav Ofer Erez discusses a concept you've likely heard of: the 4 Elements and how they affect you.

This is a way to understand your nature, what's motivating you, and how to cultivate the positive expressions of some pretty negative roots.

In other words, Rav Erez's description of this system leads to greater self-awareness and shows how you can use this knowledge for self-transformation, to get from Point A to Point B.

The 4 elements are:
  • fire
  • air
  • water
  • earth

If you can manage the Hebrew (or if the book hopefully gets translated into the language of your choice), the discussion is found on pages 85-86 and is connected to the part of the story in which the hapless viceroy finds himself in the Palace of the "Not Good."

Each element possesses a negative root, which can then be transformed into a force for goodness and holiness.

Rav Ofer Erez also points out that each person possesses different quantities and arrangements of these 4 elements.

For example, one person may be heavy with "fire" and light with the rest. Another person may find themselves heavy with "fire" and "air," light on "water," while "earth" is nearly non-existent. Others may feel they're equally comprised of all 4 elements while another may feel that one or 2 elements stand out, but there is actually a third element setting the foundation for the others.

And so on.

So with that, here they are:

Fire

Root: Arrogance & anger

Positive expression: "Tov l'hodot l'Hashem -- It's good to thank Hashem."
  • Emuna
  • Optimism
  • Humility
  • Bitachon (trust in God)
  • Seeing the good in everything
  • Being happy with what one has
  • Investing spiritual efforts with enthusiasm
  • Wisdom combined with healthy logic
  • Interpreting reality correctly

Air

Root: Corrupted speech

Positive expression: "V'amcha kulam tzaddikim -- And Your Nation is comprised entirely of righteous people."
  • Giving the benefit of the doubt
  • Compassion
  • Loyalty
  • Listening
  • Accepting others as they really are
  • Precision (diyuk; I think this means avoiding statements of exaggeration and melodrama)
  • Minimizing the amount of talking one engages in
  • Holy speech for the sake of Am Yisrael
  • The power of tefillah
  • The power of private discussions with Hashem (hitbodedut)
  • Wisdom emanating from a higher awareness that arrives on its own

Water

Root: Earthly pleasures & envy

Positive expression: "Lev basar -- a heart of flesh," "Lev tahor bara li Elokim -- "O Lord, create within me a pure heart."
  • Love
  • Caring
  • Warmth
  • Protectiveness
  • Innocence
  • Giving of oneself
  • Doing things for others
  • Being satisfied with little
  • Spiritual pleasure
  • Love of learning
  • The ability to delve deeply into practical knowledge
  • Taking an interest in all subject matters

Earth

Root: Indolence, laziness, heaviness

Positive expression: "L'hiot b'simcha tamid -- to always be in a state of joy."
  • Joy
  • Happiness
  • Energy
  • Vitality
  • Nimbleness
  • Reassurance
  • Yielding (vatranut)
  • The ability to rejoice
  • The ability to become healed
  • The ability to recover good health
  • The ability to cause others to blossom
  • The ability to revitalize others
  • Stability
  • Perseverance
  • Alacrity in both practical and spiritual matters
  • Emotional intelligence
  • A high level of psychological wisdom
  • Awareness of others' psychological state
You can muse over the above in your head, use it in a freewrite or mind map, or paint it out, and talk it over with Hashem (or all of the above).

Another valuable insight this provides is it demonstrates how hard it is to give advice and find the right kind of adviser. A person working on her "fire" aspect can easily give the wrong advice and direction to someone who desperately needs to focus on her "water" aspect.

As another example, we see that in its highest form, the "earth" aspect is a kind of spiritual coach who facilitates healing and growth in others, while the "air" aspect is very interactive, listening and speaking constructively either with people or with Hashem.

Both the adviser and the one receiving the advice need to be aware of well-meaning yet misleading guidance.

Having said, it's certainly true that everyone needs to work on, say, the trait of humility. But a "fire" personality will face a different and thornier struggle than the "earth" personality.

Conversely, everyone needs to work on the trait of zerizut (doing good things with alacrity and not wasting time), but the zerizut-challenged "earth" personality will face a different and thornier struggle than that of the "fire" personality, who is already zariz, but simply needs to infuse the zerizut with enthusiasm and gratitude rather than self-righteousness and anger.
_________________
May we all succeed in completing our tikkun in this lifetime without trials or humiliations.
Related links:
Rav Ofer Erez in English
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The 4 Elements Together in Nature
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How to Find the Voice of Your Neshamah

17/6/2018

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In his wonderful book, Ahavat Kedumim (A Commentary on The Lost Princess), Rav Ofer Erez emphasizes the importance of listening to the voice of the neshamah, the level of soul that is purest and most in touch with God.

To briefly digress, he also discusses other parts of the soul, such as the nefesh and the ruach.

Nefesh
The nefesh is the source of all cravings and desires -- taavos.
It's split into two parts:
  • The animal soul (nefesh habeheima), which craves eating, drinking, material gain, and illicit relationships
  • The Godly soul (nefesh haElokit), which craves the truly good things, like closeness with Hashem, Torah study, and self-improvement

Ruach
The ruach lies between the neshamah and the nefesh. It's all about feelings and emotions. Sometimes these are spiritually elevated feelings and sometimes these are lowly petty emotions.

​Despite the immense pull of the ruach and nefesh, it's vitally important to listen to the quiet, thin voice of the neshamah.

Doing so gives us good ruach and elevates the nefesh habeheima to the nefesh haElokit.

So what are the basic principles for discerning the voice of the neshamah?

Discerning the Voice of the Neshamah

If the advice, thought, or idea you receive does the following:
  • Fills you with joy
  • Brings you closer to Hashem

...then it's come from a good place, a place of holiness.

However, if the advice, thought, or idea you receive SOUNDS good, yet does the following:
  • Fills you with dread or sadness or depression
  • Ultimately causes you to grow distant from God
  • Ultimately causes you do refrain from doing good

...then it's a sign that this originates from a klippah (a negative spiritual shell which hides or entraps positive spirituality), which has come to distance you from Hashem via all sorts of chachamot, all sorts rationalizations.

Good or Bad? Feeling & Being

We see from the above the combination of both feeling good AND being good are important.

For example, you may fill up with joy when you receive an entire chocolate cheesecake for yourself, or when you commit an act of revenge, or when you snipe at someone, or when you write a particularly scathing letter to the editor...but do you feel closer to God with these acts?

Likely not. (Unless your god is something else, chas v'shalom).

By the way, it's normal to feel more than one feeling. For example, you might be excited to carry out a good deed, but you might feel anxious too. It depends.

Conversely, you might learn of the importance of a particular mitzvah or custom, but the thought of doing it fills you with dread and heaviness -- or panic and anxiety. You start to feel resentful of the obligations God "yokes" on you.

Also, perhaps you start off well, but then the new direction leads you into doing things that aren't good and leave you feeling far from Hashem (if you think about Hashem at all in such a situation). For example, maybe you start feeling harsh, superior, controlling, enraged, useless, or violent. Or you start cheating, lying, or spending too much time with the opposite gender when you aren't married to him/her, and so forth.

(God forbid.)

It's not that you shouldn't ever push yourself, but maybe you're more excited about hosting hippies for Shabbat than you are about cooking a meal for a woman after birth? Or maybe it's the other way around -- you love cooking for the sick and their families, but hosting people stresses you out and while preparing for guests, you find yourself yelling at your family and hating yourself?

Maybe Hashem wants you to do something else.

Yes, it can be difficult to figure things out when other voices are so strong. There are lots of good ideas. But are they right for YOU?

Again, looking over some of the last few posts:
Was Sara Imeinu supposed to be a Rivka Imeinu?
Was Rivka Imeinu supposed to be a Sara Imeinu?
Was Chana supposed to be Devorah Haneviah or vice versa?

No, no, and no.

They all did good things, very powerfully and resoundingly good things.

But they didn't do the same things.

So to sum up:

The klippah's voice:
  • Fills you with dread or sadness
  • Ultimately causes you to grow distant from God
  • Ultimately causes you do refrain from doing good

The neshamah's voice:
  • Fills you with joy
  • Brings you closer to Hashem

What is the thin, quiet voice of your neshamah saying to you?

Posts mentioned within:
Rav Ofer Erez in English
Why a Leah Imeinu Can't (and Shouldn't) be a Sara Imeinu
The Overlooked Prophetess: Chana
Tanach: The Garden of Role Models
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Knocked Down Off Your Feet Yet Again? What You & Mashiach Have in Common

6/6/2018

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In Rav Ofer Erez's phenomenal book Ahavat Kedumim, a commentary on Rebbe Nachman's story of The Lost Princess, the following appears on page 227:
It is written in the Gemara Sanhedrin that Mashiach is called "Bar Nafli."

What is the meaning of "Bar Nafli"?

The meaning is ben nefilot [a son of repeated falls], one who falls.

That's what they call Mashiach.

The commentators ask: Why do the call him Ben Nefilot [a son of repeated falls]? What kind of a name are they giving Mashiach?

One of the great mekubalim wrote a book called Pitchei Shaarim. And there he explains that Mashiach is called Bar Nafli because he constantly wants to bring the Redemption, and The Holy One Blessed Be He casts him down and says to him:
"The time has not yet come. There is still a Jew who has not yet merited."

The Holy One Blessed Be He sent Mashiach to the entrance of Rome. And there, Mashich undergoes very great falls. He constantly wants to bring the Redemption, but The Holy One Blessed Be He doesn't let him.

The Holy One Blessed Be He is waiting for every single Jew to return to Him out of love in order to fulfill [Shmuel II 14:14] "he that is banished may not be banished from Him."

The tikkun is to transform the animal soul to a Godly soul via the powers of emotion emanating from the human spirit.

Note #1: "Rome" is an allegorical reference to Western culture today, the societies that originated in Europe -- such as North America, Europe, Scandinavia, and the European-based societies of Africa and Oceania.

Note #2:The Hebrew word used above is mapil (מפיל). It literally means "cause to fall" and is often translated as "casts down" or "pushes down" or "knocks down."
____________
A lot of people feel rejected by God.

A lot of people feel like no matter how hard they try and no matter how hard they want things that are actually GOOD to want, God not only blocks them; He actively pushes them back or knocks them off their feet.

Yet the Gemara clearly tells us that this forced falling-down is a classic aspect of Mashiach!

Mashiach is going through the exact same experience as you.

I don't know all the reasons why or the deep mystical significance of the whole dynamic (other than that mentioned above: Hashem is braking the Geula process out of His Great Love for each individual Jew, especially the ones who aren't anywhere near teshuvah yet).

But it makes me wonder whether these same people who are feeling so rejected and knocked completely off balance are davka the people with the biggest, brightest spark of Mashiach within them.

After all, another Gemara also tells us that this is an upside-down world:
Those who look great and prominent in This World are quite small in the Next.
And those who seem insignificant and small here are actually quite great and prominent in the Next World.

A candle flame isn't particularly bright or powerful. But in a corner of pure darkness, its light is significant.

Yet from a distance, its light is unnoticeable.

You can only perceive a candle's light when standing nearby.
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Note: The above insights apply to the part of the story in which the princess-seeking viceroy meets the giants in the wilderness, and after much struggle and frustration, is finally informed by a latecoming wind that its delay occurred when needing to deposit the sought-after princess in a Pearl Fortress on a Mountain of Gold. And as always, this is my own translation which means that any errors are also mine.
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How to Get Up after You've Fallen Flat on Your Face

21/5/2018

2 Comments

 
In his book, Ahavat Kedumim: A Commentary on the Story of the Lost Princess, Rav Ofer Erez writes:
It doesn't matter what happened externally. If in the same moment, we've already glued ourselves to the good and we protest against the bad and cry out to God:
"Abba [Daddy/Tatty]! I want only You!" -- then the bad deeds are canceled out.

***
You fell?

Get up.

How can you get up?

Tell God: "Abba, I am such a good neshamah [soul], how can it be that I have any tendency to get angry?" [Or whatever negative tendency you want to rid yourself of -- MR]

And the Holy One Blessed be He responds: "You're right. That wasn't you at all. Come with Me and I'll bring you to the place that's right for you."

***
Our desires [ratzonot] and yearnings [kisufim] are what truly move the creation, the entire world.

Desire [ratzon] is a very, very great act because desire is the greatest force in the creation of the world, higher than thought.
A thought is an intellectual act. It comes from the mind.

But desire, will, yearning...this is an emotional act. It comes from the heart.
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The above is my translation and any errors are also mine.
The above quotations can be found on pages 90,100-101, 103.
Rav Ofer Erez's English site is
HERE.

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Our Purpose in This World

18/5/2018

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In his book, Ahavat Kedumim: A Commentary on the Story of the Lost Princess, Rav Ofer Erez writes:
The Holy Ari writes in Shaar Hagilgulim that every person who comes to the world comes for the sake of a personal and unique tikkun [rectification], and one person does not resemble another.

Each person have a personal path and way to rectify and to walk for which he came to the world.

Later, Rav Erez quotes Rebbe Natan Sternhartz (a prime disciple of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov):
Rebbe Natan says:

All our spiritual descents are in order to perform a "redemption of the captives."

This means to redeem the sparks of holiness, which are very lofty spiritual forces that got lost in tumah [spiritual impurity], and in order to bring them back to holiness, we must descend to there.

​And then, when a person does teshuvah [repents], he brings them back together with himself.
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What is the Main Purpose of Your Existence?

22/2/2018

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Let's address a concept that has been discussed throughout Judaism for millennia.

In a previous post, Rebbe Akiva Rabinovitz was quoted by Rav Ofer Erez in Ahavat Kedumim, page 170:
Hakadosh Baruch Hu holds absolutely no hakpadah [strict judgement, condemnation] against a Jewish person who possess evil traits and lusts.

Hakadosh Baruch Hu does not come in accusations about this since He implanted these within him, and He brought us down here for this purpose.

***
The hakpadah occurs when the Jewish person does not strive to seek out the path and the counsel as to how to get out of [those evil traits and lusts].

"He brought us down here for this purpose."

In other words, our purpose in life is to possess negative qualities and then strive to rid ourselves of these negative qualities.

Having negative qualities, no matter how awful, does not actually say anything bad about you, the real you at your soul level, although other people and even self-help books may tell you that it does.

​Sometimes, they will even tell you with great vehemence that it definitely means something bad about you.

But it doesn't!

Why?

Because your entire purpose of existence is to possess ugly stuff within you...

...and then struggle to scrub that ugliness out of you.

Rebbe Akiva Rabinovitz wasn't just saying what he thought (although he does think this). This is found throughout Judaism. It's been written many times. He's quoting earlier Sages, not bringing down his own chiddush.

Whether your negative qualities are a result of your upbringing or environment or whether you were just born that way, Hashem implanted those qualities within you.

You are meant to have bad qualities and taavot! You're supposed to have them.

This means that you need not fear when you encounter these qualities within yourself.

Anything about you that is ugly, filthy, hateful, or mortifying was given to you by Hashem.

This means that you can just ask Hashem to take these things back!

They don't belong to you anyway.

"TAKE IT BACK HASHEM!!! I DON'T WANT IT!!!"

Seriously.

And just by doing that, you are fulfilling your primary purpose in life.

To recap:
How do you fulfill your core purpose in life?
  1. You acknowledge to Hashem the negative qualities implanted within you.
  2. You actively try to rid yourself of them by asking Hashem to help you do so.
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We'll be going into this more in future posts, but this is the nitty-gritty of it.

Previous post: How to Get Past Toxic Shame & Apathy
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How to Get Past Toxic Shame & Apathy

18/2/2018

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Toxic shame is when you secretly know you're wrong about something, but the shame is so overwhelming you either deny you're wrong or minimize your wrongness.

This process is often instinctive and unconscious.

Toxic shame can also manifest as feeling that you are secretly bad, and that even the most inconsequential mistake is a sign of this hidden badness, so you deny or try to cover up or profusely apologize for even the most insignificant imperfections.

​(This shame-fueled apologizing for insignificant acts often blocks a person from fixing genuinely problematic behaviors.)

Apathy is when you don't care or don't know that it's wrong. Maybe it even feels really good, maybe it even feels right.

Let's tackle toxic shame first.

Fighting the Fumes of Toxic Shame

Getting past what's colloquially known as "toxic shame" is vital for any kind of self-improvement.

The only way to do so is to realize that any bad stuff found within you was put there by Hashem Himself.

You don't need to feel like your negative qualities and tendencies reflect on the real you.

Your negative qualities and tendencies do NOT reflect on the real you.

Many (maybe even most) people feel like their negative stuff is the real them.

This means they think that when they are down, exhausted, overwhelmed, or in any kind of negative situation, then their negative reactions are the real them coming to fore.

Meaning, they feel that they're just sitting on this volcano of bad middot and trying to keep everything undercover, but then it comes exploding and spilling out.

And then they feel frustrated and despairing because no matter how hard they try, they hit turbulence or a pothole, and everything just comes apart as if all their middot work hasn't done a darn thing.

(This is for people who are aware they have bad middot AND realize what those bad middot are AND actually try to overcome them — which is actually a good sign. Some people are so steeped in blinding darkness that they don't even do that much.)

But your emotional lava flows and hot ash clouds are not the real you.

Yet if you think that the negative stuff are the real you, then it's too much to do a cheshbon hanefesh.

​You'll see something negative that you feel or have done, and immediately try to stuff it back down or run from it or justify it or just pretend it's not there.

But Hashem put it there. It's not your fault.

Confess & Request

I know that in a sincere effort to relieve the obstacle of toxic shame, psychology tries very hard to reassure people that their bad stuff is from their upbringing and their traumas.

That is true, but only partially.

Eventually, you can't help noticing that there are people who have been through whatever you've been through (or worse), yet  responded much better...

​...which either inspires you or depresses you or bemuses you.

Hashem gave you your personality traits AND He gave you the experiences that would challenge those traits.

​Maybe you've even undergone traumas which mashed down your good traits and ballooned up your bad traits.

Well, guess what? That's also from Hashem! You have nothing to hide before Him.

Yes, it's private and you don't need to necessarily share it with others.

But sharing it with Hashem? Go right ahead!

Saying to Hashem: "I'm envious/petty/sadistic/lazy/gluttonous/anything else" is actually a beneficial act. Yes, it's uncomfortable, maybe even torturous. But it's a cleansing pain, like putting an alcohol-based tincture on a cut to prevent infection and get the cut healed faster.

Secondly, when you state your bad middah, you can immediately ask Hashem to take it away from you, i.e.: "Hashem, I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THIS!!!! I REJECT THIS MIDDAH! I REJECT THIS YETZER HARA! TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME, PLEASE, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THIS!!!"

And you actually get rewarded for doing just this.

This sweetens any judgement hanging over you.

There's a concept in Judaism that once you've said something "below," meaning that you've admitted a wrong, then in Shamayim, they have no power to punish you for it.

Why?

Because you're dealing with it. You're taking care of it.

You don't need a push or a wake-up call. You're doing it already.

And no one expects you to jump from wallowing at the bottom of a pit of muck to reaching glorious heights of pristine righteousness in one a day or even within one decade.

That's not how Hashem set things up and that's not the expectation of the Beit Din Shel Maalah (the Heavenly Tribunal).

Yet it's important to remember that this isn't black-and-white or bibbity-bobbity-boo wand-waving.

Sometimes, you'll do this once and get answered/fixed right away.

(And in that case, it is Heaven-sent bibbity-bobbity-boo.)

​Yet other times, you'll need to do this repeatedly for years before you make a serious leap upwards.

And the process can also be anything between immediate and decades-long.

Yet other times, you'll think Hashem has totally fixed you in one area, but it'll come back much later, leaving you feeling like "What the heck?!"

But as long as you're actually doing it, you're winning (no matter how much it may feel like you're losing).

Plop Your Burden on Hashem

Needless to say, you need to mean it.

You can't just say, "I'm a glutton and I really don't care!"

Except that you actually kind of can. Sort of.

I'll tell you from personal experience that you can say, "I'm a (fill-in-the-negative), but I know I'm not supposed to be. The problem is that I really like being/doing (fill-in-the-negative) and I actually don't feel so remorseful about it, even though technically, I know that I should. On the contrary, I really enjoy it! Yet I know that I should feel bad about being this way. Can You help me out here, please?"

Again, Hashem knows you're like this.

He knows that you're not particularly remorseful, or don't see what's really so bad about whatever you're doing, or that you simply don't have much of a conscience and even enjoy it.

He knows!

This could be anything, BTW.

For example, it could be that you are a secular Jew (or a lapsed religious Jew) who has just found out about the importance of keeping Shabbat, but you simply don't enjoy Shabbat as much as you enjoy transgressing Shabbat.

Not out of spite, but maybe you just really enjoy jet-skiing, and being out in the water and the sun feels spiritual to you while sitting at a table in someone's small living room feels kind of blah in comparison.

Fine!

​Say that to Hashem and ask Him what to do about it, or just ask Him if He would please take care of it for you.

Again, Hashem made you like that. Whether via your innate nature or upbringing or a combination of both, He made you into a person who prefers jet-skiing to Shabbat.

So what?

Take it to Hashem and plop it down in front of Him, and let Him deal with it, i.e.: "I know I'm supposed to love Shabbat, Hashem. But I just don't. What should I do? Can You please help me to get where I'm supposed to be? Because I'm just not feeling it. I'm just not there."

Anyone on any level with any issue can do this.

BTW, the above is a big reason why it's so hard to stop certain behaviors. For example:
  • Some people really like hurting others.
  • Some people even like beating up others.
  • For some people, life is never so good as when they are plotting against others.
  • Some people love lashon hara.
  • Some people can't stand the thought of never getting a heroin high again because nothing else feels as good to them.
  • Some people cannot relinquish a feeling of control, even to Hashem.
  • Some can't let go of self-pity or petulance or the feeling of superiority.

​It feels like their lifeline and they don't know what to do without it.


Another example: A lot of overweight people hate being overweight, but they really like binging. They want to lose weight, but the actual binging doesn't bother them, despite Chazal saying that overeating is a bad middah even when it doesn't lead to obesity.

This dynamic pretty normal.

So even if you don't want to stop (for whatever your reasons), you can still give that to Hashem.

How to be the Ongoing Winner

In Rav Ofer Erez's commentary on Rebbe Nachman's The Lost Princess, he quotes a great tzaddik named Rebbe Akiva Rabinovitz:
Hakadosh Baruch Hu [The Holy One Blessed Be He] holds absolutely no hakpadah [strict judgement, condemnation] against a Jewish person who possess evil traits and lusts.

Hakadosh Baruch Hu does not come in accusations about this since He implanted these within him, and He brought us down here for this purpose.

If so, regarding what is the hakpadah?

The hakpadah occurs when the Jewish person does not strive to seek out the path and the counsel as to how to get out of [those evil traits and lusts].

Therefore, there exists the iron rule:
​
"As long as a person engages in battle, he is always called 'the winner' [hamenatze'ach]."


(Ahavat Kedumim, p. 170)
Note: The above insight is connected to the part of The Lost Princess in which the viceroy "began to see the letters" written in the tears of the Princess on the scarf, which she left for this same viceroy who was searching for her.
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To review:
What's the best thing to do to overcome the toxic shame and apathy that blocks you from your true potential and from fulfilling your soul's mission?
​
  • Realize that ANYTHING negative about you, anything that has ever caused you to do anything wrong, has been implanted in you by Hashem. It's not you.
  • Know that your negative traits are not the real you.
  • Know that your good points are the real you.
  • Admit your negative traits/inclinations/actions to Hashem, even if it makes you cringe, or even if you don't feel bad about them.
  • Ask Hashem to help you with whole mess.

May we all succeed in completing our soul tikkun without trials or tribulations.
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Related posts:
  • What is the Main Purpose of Your Existence?​
  • Getting Real about Your Reality
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