By the way, if anyone is struggling with the wording in the morning brachot for men & women ("Blessed are You...for having made me according to His Will" vs. "Blessed are You...for not having made me a woman"), Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein and Rabbi Epstein offer a solid discussion of this in the video below, and branch out into related areas of this topic.

It's the first question they answer after the introduction at 1 minute & 43 seconds into the video, then goes on for around 19 minutes.

Here is the link:
Special Event: Five Towns Question and Answer

(Note: I haven't finished listening to the whole shiur yet, so I don't know what the rest of it is about.)

UPDATE: Correction: It was the Tunisian Jewish women who dressed in billowing white wraps and pointy head-coverings, not the Greek Jewish women. (Sorry for the misinfo!) Plus, 3 authentic photos of these Tunisian Jewish women & men have been added to the end of the post. (Their heads look pointy because, apparently, pointy princessy hair-coverings – which they wore under the white sheet – were in style back then...)

Because tsniyut means a lot more than just the technicalities of inches regarding widths & lengths, I often prefer to use the word "dignity" or "refinement" as the translation, even though technically, the word means "hiddenness" in Hebrew and is indeed used that way throughout Tanach (and often not talking about women's clothing, but about Jewish behavior or even miracles – as shown in An In-Depth Discussion of One of Today's Most Despised Topics: Tsniyut/Tsniyus/Modest/Dignified Behavior & Dress).

For example, a friend of mine mentioned Jewish women of a certain group she sees from time to time in her neighborhood.

These women dress in traditional Arab dress, meaning a black hijab around their head and shoulders, plus a long black robe.

My friend says it doesn't really bother her in principle (yet some others get personally offended & disgusted when they see these women), except that when she first encounters these women, she's tenses up and checks them out until she realizes they are Jewish women and not potential terrorists.

And others certainly feel the same.

In fact, I imagine that any Jew (including Jewish men) in the vicinity would do as my friend and surreptitiously keep an eye on this women for suspicious activity, including trying to gauge whether she might have a suicide bombers belt around her midriff.

It's hard to label these clothes as "tsniyut," even though the technical covering is halachically sound as far as the length & width go.

Why?

Even though many be-hijabed women worldwide are not looking to massacre Jews, some have made strenuous attempts to do just that in Eretz Yisrael.

Hence, when Jews spot a be-hijabed woman in a neighborhood never frequented by Muslim women, they are prudent to be wary until her intentions can be clarified.

So if your clothing is actually instilling anxiety or fear within your fellow frum Jews, that doesn't fit within the bounds of tsniyut (especially because such a style is causing men to look at such a woman with extra scrutiny).

At this point, one might make the argument that all frum women look scary to at least some people because of the incitement of secular media. So a secular person with no other knowledge of frum people might feel anxious upon seeing a frum woman in his grocery store, thinking that it's a Jewish Taliban invading the area.

The difference is that wariness around a black hijab is a reasonable response in Eretz Yisrael. Women dressed in such a style have attempted to murder Jews. Actually, male terrorists have also used hijab and other traditional Muslima coverings to disguise themselves as females and elude Israeli security.

The fear doesn't derive from media incitement or false prejudices.

Therefore...

If your own fellow frum Jews who understand tsniyus cannot help but suspect you are a terrorist when they see you, then this is obviously a breach in tsniyus, despite the careful attention to technical measurements.

Likewise, a book I have on Jewish women throughout the ages shows a photo of a group of Jewish women in  ̶G̶r̶e̶e̶c̶e̶ ̶̶Tunisia from the year 1900. While their style of tsniyus was quite commendable at the time, the billowing head-to-toe all-encompassing white sheet with its pointy top gave me a lurch in the pit of my stomach when I first saw it.

For a moment, I thought it was a picture of the Ku Klux Klan (a murderously exclusive gang of bigots – one of their early murder victims was a white Republican senator – formed by Southern Democrats after the Civil War whose uniform consists of a billowing white robe, white covering over the face, and a pointy white head-covering).

Clearly, dressing in traditional Jewish G̶r̶e̶e̶k̶ ̶Tunisian attire today would not be tsnanuah.

So we see that tsniyut isn't just about measurements.

It IS about measurements – covering the necessary parts IS vitally important – but it's not ONLY the technical inches that count. Getting lost in the technicalities can actually produce a lack of tsniyus, as occurs with these Jewish women in hijab.

It's a certain mindset, a certain understanding; it contains nuance and most of all, a desire to imitate Hashem, who is also Hidden from the human eye. (Please see Why is It So Important to be Modest? for more.)

Despite the expansive width & generous length of the clothing, we should not dress like those who (possibly) hate us.

Tsniyut should not strike terror in the hearts of those around you.

There's a well-known story of a young woman who arrived at the original Beis Yaakov in pre-WWII Poland, and was met by Sara Schenirer, who greeted her with "Shalom aleichem," then immediately stuck a pin through the young woman's collar to close it, while offering brief words of explanation.

The young woman was Rav Shimshon Dovid Pincus's mother, who came from America to Beis Yaakov at age 16.

The other Beis Yaakov girls were aghast at the reception for this American girl who'd just spent 24 hours traveling in uncomfortable conditions, only to be welcomed with such a rebuke.

Think about it.

Any normal person would consider such a reception as rude (which is why the Beis Yaakov girls themselves, in their innate compassion & sensitivity, immediately showed their disapproval, despite not knowing the girl and despite the respect & appreciated they had for their beloved teacher).

​​To compound things, Rav Pincus's mother was already careful to dress modestly.

But Rav Pincus's mother insisted that she wasn't offended at all!

And she really wasn't.

In fact, she didn't feel rebuked and always recalled the scene with affection.

​The question is why?

The secret is in Sara Schenirer's innate feelings toward both tsniyut and the Jewish girls themselves, plus the words she used to explain her actions.

Sara Schenirer told Rav Pincus's mother:

​To really understand what was going on, let's try to look at the scene beyond the physical 3-dimensional barriers and attempt to see the entire reality – which includes the spiritual dimensions.

What really happened was this:

This 16-year-old girl enters into a room in which all the other girls are clothed in royal cloaks of expensive velvet & silk studded with diamonds and lined with a collar of pure white ermine.

They're also surrounded by the most beautiful angels.

This 16-year-old girl is the only one without the stunning royal garments and the angelic companions. (Yes, she has royal garments & angels, but they aren't nearly as stunning or as beautiful as what appears among these girls.)

Suddenly, a woman clothed in even more glorious royal garments and holding an identical royal cloak in her hands greets the girl with a blessing, then proceeds to wrap the stunning royal cloak around the girl, fasting the ermine collar with its diamond closures.

Now unfathomably beautiful angels spring up around her too.

The crowned woman then explains, "Here in our palace, we don't neglect even the most important aspects of royal dress because we are prestigious princesses. We are daughters of the most important King of the World. And because you are one of us, you too deserve the privilege of wearing stunning royal garments and being surrounded by beautiful angels."

Knights aren't offended by kneeling in front of the king or queen and having a large iron blade waved around their shoulders.

Kings & queens aren't offended at kneeling and then having a very heavy & uncomfortable crown placed on their heads.

Likewise, no young woman would be offended at being draped with such stunning garments and being bequeathed such beautiful companions, while being told that she too is included within this exclusive & exalted royal circle.

That's what was really happening.

That was the real message being given.

In Rav Avigdor Miller's dvar Torah on Parshas Chayei Sarah 3 – Sanctuary of Sarah, we learn that Sara Imeinu's home was the greatest home in history.

Like the Kli Yakar, Rav Miller compares Sara Imeinu's home to the home of the Mikdash.

And her passing was like the Churban (Destruction).

Rav Miller states that the first Churban in Jewish history was actually Sara's passing.

While we tend to think of the Giving of the Torah as our Nation's monumental event (and it was indeed), Rav Miller explains that our founding Fathers & Mothers were the magnificent part of our history.

The Shechinah dwelt in their homes.

It's amazing. What was in the Kodesh Kadoshim (Holy of Holies) in the Beit Hamikdash was actually in the homes of our Avot & Imahot.

When they passed on, the Shechinah went into Exile.

Rav Miller describes what the beginning of the marriage must have been like.

Initially, Avraham Avinu was Sara Imeinu's teacher (they had a 10-year age difference & people married young back then), so he showed her all he had learned about his own observations of the world, observations that gained him tremendous TRUE knowledge because "he saw better than any professors will ever see."

And Sara Imeinu soaked it all in.

On page 5, Rav Miller describes what Sara's own study of the world must have been like.

Sara started off as the brilliant student of her husband, then she rose to great heights on her own, eventually achieving nevuah that surpassed even that of her holy husband.

On page 7, Rav Miller describes the great challenge of perceiving Sara Imeinu's home:

Let's consider this for a moment.

Rav Miller acknowledges that we generally consider Avraham Avinu the builder of our Nation. He was the one out there doing things.

And indeed, he was a tzaddik beyond our imagination.

However, who built the Beit HaMikdash?

Sara Imeinu. In her tent.

When they slaughtered meat, they were like the Kohanim performing korbanot.

When they ate, it was like they were eating offerings from the mizbeyach.

Sara Imeinu's challot were the prototype of the Lechem Panim in the Beit HaMikdash.

Rav Miller goes on to say (pg. 8):

And now we can understand the problem with Yishmael's laughter.

Rav Miller acknowledges what the mefarshim say about the symbolism of Yishmael's laughter.

But Rav Miller says that just the plain meaning, that Yishmael was laughing & jesting in such a holy home – the same as clowning around in the Beit HaMikdash on Yom Kippur – just the laughter on its own was absolutely appalling.​

Interestingly, despite the fact that Sara & Avraham were extremely wealthy with hundreds of servants, Sara Imeinu performed most of the housework herself.

And what's the secret to housekeeping like Sara Imeinu?

​It's on page 11:

Then Rav Miller says even more radical things (radical to our ears, anyway):

Rav Miller acknowledges that the term "l'shem SHamayim" is bandied about so much nowadays that it has lost its meaning for us.

So he emphasizes that l'shem Shamayim means "with the awareness of Shamayim."

Everything Avraham Avinu & Sara Imeinu did, it was with this awareness.

People talk about "mindfulness" a lot nowadays, and an awareness of Shamayim is the real mindfulness we are supposed to cultivate.

On pages 12-13, Rav Miller goes into vivid detail of the baby-steps we can take to add to our lives more kavanah l'shem Shamayim.

He also mentions a pithy proverb from Gemara Erechim 19b:

"Saba b'veita – pacha b'beita."

"An old man in the house is a calamity in the house."

Retired men belong in kollel, says Rav Miller, not being a nuisance to his wife in the home all day.

It's such an interesting 2000-year-old observation because we see in our times how shalom bayit often disintegrates when a husband retires. So many women complain of a retired husband who spends his time nitpicking at how she runs the home, criticizing how things are organized, and kvetching.

Get thee to a kollel! 

Then Rav Miller quotes the same Gemara:

"Savta b'veita – sima b'veita."

"An old woman in the house is a treasure in the house."

A man is a treasure in yeshivah. 

A woman is a treasure in the home.

Rav Miller explains how women grow wiser as they grow older. They dispense wisdom & chessed.

Yes, I see in the Yerushalmi communities how dedicated older mothers are to their grandchildren & adult children.

For example, when a daughter gives birth before Pesach, Yerushalmi mothers invite the entire family (all those little darlings!) for the entire week of Pesach.

It is tremendous work to host small children and take care of a yoledet, all the more so over Pesach and often with their own children still at home and more guests coming. But they do it so willingly! 

​I really look up to them.

And their wisdom is a real treasure too.

My husband and I still turn to his mother for health remedies & advice, plus a little bit of dream interpretation. (Her own mother was a kosher dream interpreter in Morocco.)

Although sometimes, the dreams go a bit too far – like when my mother-in-law's long-dead brother came to her in a dream after yet another son was born to us and requested that we name this son after him because none of his secular children had done so.

So we did. It's hard to say no to the dead. Chessed shel emet and all that. Do the dead favors, even though they'll never be able to pay you back. It's a big mitzvah.

Anyway...

Among frum women in general, I've seen how grandmothers develop patience they lacked in their younger years.

I've seen how supportive & discreet & sensitive they are with their children struggling with their own children – struggles these older women didn't necessarily have to deal with in their child-rearing years, but have become all too common now.

Society considers older women crones and old-fashioned and no longer useful or beautiful.

But Judaism declares: sima – She's a treasure!

On page 14, Rav Miller goes into a brief yet lovely exposition of Eishet Chayil (A Woman of Valor).

Ultimately, Avraham Avinu & Sara Imeinu are the prototype for us.

No matter what home we grew up in or what background we came from, our real nurturing comes from this first Jewish couple.

A convert is referred to as the son or daughter of Avraham Avinu & Sara Imeinu.

We need to stretch back further than our immediate family & background to reach it.

It's there, it's accessible, but we need to cultivate an awareness that it's possible.

Let's wrap up on Rav Miller's final note (pg. 15):

The Beit HaMikdash was the Home of Holiness, and Sara Imeinu's home was also a home of holiness, a place of unsurpassed sanctity in the world at that time.

In Beresheit 23:2, the Kli Yakar says that while Avraham Avinu eulogized her, he initially:

​Please note that the Kli Yakar says that Avraham Avinu knew [yada]. He did not believe or think or assume Sara Imeinu had risen to the heights of Heavenly Bliss.

​Avraham Avinu KNEW it.

Then the Kli Yakar expounds:

(According to footnote #31 in this parshah in Elihu Levine's fantastic translation of the Kli Yakar, the Metzudat David on Yeshayahu 33:7 interprets "malachei hashalom" as "messengers of peace," referring to those who were sent to bring tidings of peace to Yerushalayim, yet ended up weeping over the Destruction.)

So...

Sara = Beit Hamikdash

Sara's passing = The Destruction of the Holy Temple

That's a very powerful equation!

Think about everything the Churban (Destruction) meant:

• the cessation of the atoning korbanot
• no more miraculously protective Ketoret
• the end of the unimaginable joy of Simchat Beit HaSho'evah
• an end to the soul-stirring music of the Levi'im
• an end to the beautiful & holy service of the Kohanim
• a withdrawing of tangible closeness to Hashem
• the shattering of its astounding splendor...

Sara Imeinu's passing was EQUAL to all that.

Then the Kli Yakar states that Avraham Avinu knew that while Sara Imeinu's "sun had set only in This World," she was now eating the fruits of her deeds in Olam Haba.

The Kli Yakar also explains that the verse "Sara died in Kiryat Arba, also known as Chevron" hints that Sara died the death of only the most exalted tzaddikim like Moshe Rabbeinu. 

​Sara Imeinu was in the most wonderful place possible. The loss wasn't hers.

It was the world's loss.

​As the Kli Yakar exalts her:

Sara Imeinu's name is also a title: sarah (שרה).

It's the feminine form of sar (שר).

A sar is a ruling minister, a prince, or the ministering angel over an entire nation.

​So when the Kli Yakar states that Sara Imeinu was a "sarah al kol ha'olam," he was saying that her wisdom & deeds made her a princess, a ruling minister over the entire world.

This is our role model.

This is our mother. 

In Nefesh Chaya, Rav Shimshon Dovid Pincus offers the best & surest way to improve tsniut:
​

• (1) Cultivate a relationship with Hashem by talking to Him.

​

• (2) Say brachot with kavanah – especially the asher yatzar bracha (which, among other things, thanks Hashem for concealed body parts & processes).

This wonderfully effective advice follows on the heels of a previous post:
An In-Depth Discussion of One of Today's Most Despised Topics: Tsniut/Tsnius/Modest & Dignified Behavior & Dress

Today, we're going to discuss something a lot of people (even some frum people) resent: tsnius/tsniut.

But we're not discussing the halachot.

Why?

Because it's the attitude of tsniut, the ideology of tsniut that is the key to everything.

In fact, it's almost impossible to keep the halachot of tsniut unless you have the mentality of tsniut.

That's why some girls & women get fed up with all the halachot.

Knowing ONLY the technicalities of inches & centimeters & decibels & colors & designs is not enough and sometimes even makes this mitzvah confusing.

(This is in contrast to most other mitzvot: Tsnius is very individual with a lot of nuance involved.)

In fact, if you internalize the ideal of tsniut, you almost don't need to learn the technical halachot because they're actually self-evident once you get the mentality correct.

(Please note: I did not say that the halachot are irrelevant – on the contrary, they're quite important! But tsniut is unusual in that the knowledge of halachot ALONE is really not enough to keep this mitzvah properly, especially with changing times & styles.)

Also, while it is a major mitzvah for women, tsniut also applies to men.

​Contrary to what some people think, Jewish men cannot actually go around with all their hairy chests, armpits, and knees showing. No offense.

​That's why most frum men dress in a dignified & modest manner.

Significantly, covering themselves was one of the first acts of rectification Adam & Chava performed after eating from the Tree of Knowledge.

(Actually, Chazal say that prior to that Original Sin, they were enclothed by a material similar to our fingernails, but more luminous. So they weren't bare in the way people tend to assume.)

One of the brachot we say in the morning is "Baruch...malbish arumim."

"Blessed...is He Who clothes the naked."

Clothing (and the mental realization of the need for clothing) is one of the major differences between us & animals.

The less you cover yourself, the closer you are to an animal state.

The more you cover yourself, the farther you are from an animal state.

​(Rav Avigdor Miller discussed this idea, but I can't remember where.)

Since time immemorial, people have understood that one way to degrade the humanity of a person is to remove his clothes.

This affects the self-perception of the victim (he or she feels humiliated) and it also affects the perception of those around the victim (they see him or her as degraded & less human, which either inspires pity or cruelty).

Even cultures that go around wearing very little can still have strict customs about removing that little bit.

Despite this innate common sense, certain cultures throughout history have warped this intuitive response, like the Greek Olympics promoting unclothed participants as a glorification of the human body. 

Or today's Western world insisting that the less covered a woman is, the more liberated she is.

Unfortunately, feminism's dumbing-down of even very intelligent women has blinded most women from seeing the hypocritical double standard. If body-baring fashions are so liberating, why aren't professional men encouraged to exchange the 3-piece suit for shorts & a sleeveless undershirt?

Why, in the last line-up of Republican candidates, did we see a line of men from different backgrounds & body types all wearing dark neutral-colored 3-piece suits with neck-hugging ties...and the one female candidate wearing a red suit with a miniskirt and a plunging neckline?

Did anyone think she looked "liberated" in contrast to her male colleagues?

Did anyone think she looked "equal" to them?

(To me, combined with her paradoxically modest hair style, the whole look at her age made her look more like a madam than a presidential candidate...and according to the guardians of political correctness, such an observation now makes me catty, jealous, and repressed. Oh well.)

Conversely, professional women ARE supposed to cover their face...with make-up.

Skillfully applied make-up can actually transform ALL facial features (including the shape of the face) so that the woman is unrecognizable from her natural bare-faced state.

So you are:
​

• a liberated woman if you bare your body yet smother your face into unrecognizabilty.

​AND

• you are also equal to your male colleagues who do the diametric opposite and cover their entire body from ankle to wrist to neck, while leaving their faces bare of any creams & powders.

​Yeah. Right. Sure!

And I've got a bridge to sell you...

In his book, Nefesh Chaya, Rav Shimshon Dovid Pincus explains that tsniut plays an enormous role in the act of protection, and that one of the main roles of a woman in her home is to protect her family & home.

(The most basic level of this is the Mama Bear archetype.)

So let's look at the idea of protective clothing, starting with physical protection:

Many cultures who inhabit some of the hottest places on Earth actually cover themselves from head to toe.

(Think of traditional Arab dress.)

Why?

Their clothing protects them from the sun, from sunburn & sunstroke.

Long, loose clothing allows air to circulate around shaded skin while total exposure cannot do the same.

Clothing also protects against mosquitoes & other pests.

In areas of excessive dust, sand, or smoke, people place some kind of covering over their face to protect their eyes and lungs.

In the Philippines and other areas in the East, hikers are advised to avoid wearing red garments and other bright, eye-catching colors when entering the forests (which they say attracts unsavory entities – and they don't mean the physical 4-legged kind) because many people have gone missing while wearing red and other such colors. In the US too, an unusually high number of missing people were wearing the color red and other bright colors.

​(Wearing a red garment is a problem in Judaism too, interestingly.)

So all in all, we see that physical covering offers physical protection.

In Judaism, there are some important concepts regarding protection:
​

• ayin hara – the evil eye

This comes from envy. One of the best protection against ayin hara is to keep a low profile.

• Bracha ba'ah b'seter – Blessing comes in secret/when hidden.

This means that good things are more likely to happen behind the scenes.

• Ein habracha matzuyah eleh b'davar samui min ha'ayin – Blessing is only found in something concealed from the eye. (Bava Metzia 42)

Very similar to the concept above it.

Likewise, if concealment enables & enhances blessing, then the opposite must also be true: Publicity can decrease or eliminate blessing.

In Nefesh Chaya, Rav Shimshon Dovid Pincus notes that the most amazing miracle of life occurs in a completely hidden manner: the creation of a human being.

Think about it: According to halacha (and traditionally common sense), conception occurs in the dark under a bedsheet or blanket.

Then the process of pregnancy occurs under the concealment of a woman's layers of flesh, in a completely dark environment.

The angel sent to teach the child Torah does so in complete concealment, its miraculous & holy mission invisible, silent, and unfelt by even the pregnant mother herself.

For reasons of ayin hara, increased blessing, and modesty (they're all connected anyway), some frum communities have a custom not to speak about a pregnancy until a certain month or they don't even speak of it at all.

(For these same reasons, ultrasounds are controversial for some frum people.)

Going back to humanity's beginnings, the Creation of the World was a massive light show.

But the creation of Man was not. 

Adam was quietly formed from the clay of the Earth.

Woman's creation was even more subtle. Adam was even put to sleep for the event.

It was not witnessed by anyone except Hashem Himself.

Yet what a powerful, world-changing event it was!

In Melachim II:4:1-37 (which is also the Haftarah for Parshat Vayera), we have the famous story of Elisha Hanavi & the miracle of the never-ending oil.

The widow & orphans of Ovadia Hanavi turn to Elisha Hanavi after King Yehoram's officers threaten to enslave the orphans if the widow cannot pay the taxes.

In verse 4, Elisha Hanavi, after encouraging her to gather as many empty vessels as she possibly can, he instructs her to then close the door "about yourself and about your sons."

(The word ba'ad, translated here as "about," can also mean "for the sake of.")

Rashi comments: "The kavod of a miracle is to come in hatsne'ah" – hiddenness, modesty.

You probably recognized the root of hatsne'ah as the same root of tsniut or tsnuah.

Okay. It's admittedly not so clear in English.

​Here's the Hebrew:

And the text is not even talking about clothes or women. 

Hatsne'ah is simply a core Jewish concept that concerns protection & blessing.

Many of us know that every real Jew possesses the following 3 middot:

• chessed (loving-kindness)
• rachamim (mercy, compassion)
• bushah (a healthy sense of shame, which should naturally lead to tsniut in behavior)

Jewish who show a serious lack of one of the above are suspected of not being Jewish at the soul level, according to Chazal.

And now that we understood the physical & spiritual protection of hatsne'ah, we can better understand why terrorist & missile attacks often result in a call for increased tsniut.

In other words: increased spiritual protection.

As noted by Rav Shimshon Dovid Pincus in Nefesh Chaya, page 72:

Follow-Up Post:
What is the #1 Ultimate Way to Improve Your Tsniut/Tsnius/Modesty? (And absolutely NO tape measures, rulers, or mirrors necessary!)

For related posts:
​The Overlooked Prophetess: Chana
Why a Leah Imeinu Can't (and Shouldn't) be a Sara Imeinu

When I took my son to his first of day school this year, we were caught up in the rush of hundreds of other parents out on the same mission.

And ditto when I came to pick him up and take him home.

Although his first year (which was last year) at this school (where all his brothers also attended) went wonderfully, this time was different. The beginning of this school year was another step that filled me with new nerves.

Last year, the school's gan happened to be in its own building with its own yard, far away from the super-complex of the school, which hosts all the other grades, up to eighth grade.

This year, my son learns in the multi-level building itself.

Of course, there are safety precautions. The 4-6-year-olds sit in classrooms in their own hallway, and there is an assistant in addition to the teacher. They enjoy recess at a separate time, only going out when the older children are back in class and the yard is empty.

I'm also happy that my son's class merited to have the best teacher for that grade, and after seeing for myself what an ideal teacher he is, I'm even happier.

But I'm still ruminating over the what-ifs and concerns.

It was sitting on the bus stop on the way to pick him up from his first day of school that I woke up to the ruach around me.

Other mothers were picking up their children after sending them to cheder for the first time. They were all so excited.

The same kind of call kept ringing out: "Who is your son learning by this year? Oh, Rabbi Rubenstein? That's wonderful!"

There was a cheerful bustle to it all — at the bus stop, on the bus, weaving my way through the throngs of parents and children — that I couldn't quite place.

At first, I thought these mothers were expressing joyous relief that summer vacation was finally over.

But that wasn't it.

When parents express joy and thankfulness that their child has gotten married, it's not because "Oh, we finally got this kid out of the house! Less mess and more room!"

Not at all.

It's a joy and thankfulness of sending them off to really live their life now, to get down to the nitty-gritty of a Torah journey. It's relief at seeing their child finally find their zivug.

And that's when I realized what this cheerful bustle was: These mothers were rejoicing at sending their sons to learn Torah.

This first day in cheder was the first step in their journey to become ehrliche Yidden and fulfill their destinies as bnei Yaakov Avinu.

I don't know why this never hit me before.

After all, this certainly isn't my first child.

How many first days of school have I experienced without ever really seeing the celebration going on around me?

Maybe I was too caught up in all the hectic details and anxieties to notice.

But this new awareness also re-awakened my appreciation for Yerushalmi mothers, who for all their savvy intelligence, still possess a certain temimut in certain areas because they simply don't know to feel any other way.

And bringing their sons to cheder for the first time is one of those areas.

Baruch Hashem, I was able to be affected now by the general ruach.

Yes, I know things aren't going to be perfect and that school always provides challenges for both parents and children.

But I thought that maybe I could just enjoy the bare-bones fact of it: My son had learned Alef-Bet last year and was going to be learning to read Hebrew this year.

And that's the base for a life of Torah-learning.

And he'll be learning all sorts of halachot and stories from the Torah and Midrash — all geared for his age and level of understanding, and all necessary to nourish his neshamah and form the man he'll eventually become, and hopefully create a wonderful Olam Haba for himself, he should live in good health until 120 (and I also wish that also for you and your children).

So I decided to focus on this idea too and let myself get briefly immersed in all the joyous bustle around me. I also decided, despite the distractions & challenges that are sure to pop up along the way, to try my best to carry it with me throughout the rest of his school years.

Because at the core, that's really what it's all about.

Why is it vital to aim the spotlight on ordinary frum people being nice?

Because we are roundly attacked by all media at all times, and are incredibly self-critical ourselves, so we need to be reminded how many of us do really wonderful things.

It's not that I am an oblivious idiot sporting especially thick rose-colored glasses; I can tell you exactly what's wrong with the frum community in general and even get specific according to group.

It's very important to ALSO see the good in ourselves and in each other. 

You can only fight darkness with light, not with more darkness.

Furthermore, it's important to sing the praises of regular Jews NOT engaged in grand acts.

If you think about it, Leah Imeinu and Chana were not much more than housewives on the surface. Their major avodah happened behind closed doors.

And even when Chana lost her privacy, she wasn't spotlighted for her profound holiness, but was mistaken for a brazen lush.

Yet these two quiet behind-the-scenes ladies merited their own portions in Tanach.

Leah birthed Mashiach.

And Chana's happily-ever-after finale? 

Why, she got to be a stay-at-home-mom of 8 children!

(One of whom became one of the greatest Prophets ever, second to Moshe Rabbeinu.)

If Hashem thinks quiet, unseen acts are so important, then maybe we should too.

One day, I went to go pick up my son from school before 1:30 PM, which means that I am out and on the bus when the rest of the country is doing the same.

In other words, rush hour with all the crowding & stress.

As I waited at the bus stop, a chassidic man sat there with his little boy. Then a woman approached pushing a stroller with one hand and holding a small child in the crook of her other arm. Another child clung to her skirt as they moved toward the bus stop.

The chassidic man unassumingly rose with his son and moved to stand on the other side of bus stop, thereby allowing the woman sit on the bench with her children.

(He needed to do this because chassidim - along with many other frum people - do not sit on a bench with the opposite gender. So scooting over wasn't enough; he needed to actually vacate the bench.)

Needless to say, this was very thoughtful of him.

I ended up standing toward the back of the packed bus, which was fine as I knew that seats would free up soon and anyway, it would only be a 15-minute ride maximum.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed two little (3rd- or 4th-grade?) Beit Yaakov girls look at me with concern, put their heads together for a quick whispered conference, then one hoisted herself up on to the lap of the girl sitting by the window, while the girl sitting underneath helped her balance.

Then they called out to me sit down in the newly vacated seat.

Now, I do not know what Beit Yaakov girls wear in other areas, but here, they have enormous backpacks in varying shades of pink that are half the size of the little girls carrying them.

It was humbling to see these two little girls crammed into one seat between their enormous pink sparkly bags, just so they could make a seat available for a perfectly healthy lady standing in the aisle.

I praised them & thanked them, then reassured them that I was fine standing, as anyway, seats would be vacated in another stop or two.

(I was really uncomfortable at the thought of exploiting the goodness these little baalot chessed crammed between the window and their backpacks and each other; I wouldn't have taken seat in such a situation unless I really needed to.)

But these little Beis Yaakov girls continued to hold their position, allowing me to have second thoughts if I wanted (I didn't) before the one finally rolled off the lap of the other. Then they both looked at me quizzically, so I praised them & thanked them again.

A minute later, a row of teenage girls at the back called out to me that a seat had opened up and I ended up sitting next to another little Beis Yaakov girl.

This little Beis Yaakov girl (maybe a 4th-grader?) started coughing a lot.

I wasn't sure what I could do since she was already holding an open bottle of water in her hand and drinking it when she could.

Suddenly, she coughed so hard she vomited phlegm onto her skirt and the floor.

I think we can all imagine how distressing that is.

All I had in my purse was a plastic bag, which I gave her in case she needed to spit up again.

The 2 Beis Yaakov girls (age 11 or 12?) sitting in front of us immediately turned around to help her, cooing sympathetically & reassuringly while one called out for tissues.

A 9-year-old Beit Yaakov girl had an entire package in her backpack, which was passed through the crowd as we started cleaning up the phlegmy girl.

Then the tissue-extracting stopped as one of the helpful girls called out to the tissue-owner if it was okay to use more tissues?

(We all knew it would be, but you've still got to ask.)

"Use up the entire package," came the authoritative answer.

So they continued cleaning up the phlegmy girl, cooing to her soothingly the whole time. (I discovered that they weren't her sisters, which I thought they might be, due to their attentive care toward her, but they did know her.)

One even cleaned off the floor so that no one would step in the gook later.

Then they helped her off the bus at her stop.

I want to bring you in for a closer look at that last scenario.

First of all, these were all very young girls involved.

Yet the entire time, they responded to the unexpected emergency with efficiency and discretion.

(No need to call attention to one's helpfulness nor the state of the phlegmy girl, who is embarrassed enough as is. Other than calmly & briefly calling out about the tissues, there were no raised voices or drama or even a startled "Omigosh — Sara just threw up!")

Also, it is disgusting to clean up someone else's phlegmy vomit with tissues (despite it being perfectly possible to do so without getting one's hands messy) because it just is.

Yet these young girls did so without making faces and without hesitation. They were completely focused on the needs of the suffering little girl.

They displayed no sense of self-importance, just concern for the other.

Finally, despite the distressing situation, they still had the presence of mind to ask the tissue-owner if they could use so many tissues.

Of course, we all KNEW the tissue-owner would say yes.

But there is the famous verse from Avot 5:10, which proclaims "sheli-shelcha, shelcha-shelcha — What's mine is yours; what's yours is yours" as the attitude of a righteous person.

So the first two girls fulfilled the second part of the verse: "shelach-shelach — This is yours. This situation is urgent, but not a real emergency. We need to follow the courtesy of at least asking your permission, even though we know you'll say yes. What's yours is YOURS."

And the tissue-owner fulfilled the first part of the verse: "sheli-shelach — You need my tissues, so now they're yours."

That was the most quintessentially Jewish part of the whole shebang. 

And no offense to anyone, but ​I grew up in non-Jewish and secular Jewish culture. That extra step of instinctive consideration in the middle of an urgent situation?

I never saw it in the outside world. On the contrary, movies and books always show urgent situations as permitting a hefkerut of others' possessions. It's even idealized.

And there was a certain rhythm to it all. Everyone behaved like clockwork.

And the girl who even clean off the floor out of consideration for others' shoes? Chessed & thoughtfulness until to the end — and all performed in an automatic & unassuming manner.

Of course they knew they were being good and behaving correctly, but they clearly did not think they were special.

But they are.

And it's so delicious to see these young Jewish girls instilled with such fine Torah values.

Yashar koach to their parents and schools, and certainly to the innately holy neshamot of these young frum girls themselves.

Related links:
Part I: There is None like You, O Yisrael; Ein K'amcha Yisrael

When I first started my voyage into frumkeit, I noticed something in many frum homes, both in America & in Eretz Yisrael.

On the telephone was a sticker warning against lashon hara.

On the fridge hung a magnet warning against lashon hara.

Some homes even had an anti-lashon hara reminder on the front door.

It was also clear to me that it was the woman of the house who was so concerned about lashon hara.

In fact, I initially assumed that the Chafetz Chaim wrote his celebrated sefer for women!

I was shocked to discover that he'd written it as a general guide for all Jews, which was initially only studied by men.

It's very much to the credit of Jewish women that they embraced this sefer with so much heartfelt devotion & commitment.

Anyway, seeing these little stickers and magnets made a deep impression on me, even without me consciously realizing it at the time.

It impressed upon me the importance of the laws of lashon hara, which take profound discipline, emuna, and concern for others in order to uphold them.

And I noticed this same effect on many, many of my peers.

Again, the fact that Jewish women devoted themselves to an area of Jewish Law that demands such intense discipline, emuna, and compassion for others is a tremendous zechut for Am Yisrael.

Even when people stumbled in this area, it was still clear that lashon hara was a very big deal and not an area to be ignored.

When forging my identity as a Jewish woman, the halachot of lashon hara were an innate part of that new identity (even as I sometimes resented or misunderstood their boundaries).

Why?

Because of those female-applied stickers and magnets.

Now, this doesn't mean that I didn't trip up in this area.

But I was motivated to review the halachot and strive to uphold them BECAUSE of their importance and significance to the frum community.

And because I saw frum women discussing the halachot in casual conversation, because I saw stickers and magnets applied by frum women, and because I saw frum women accepting upon themselves certain hours to be exactingly makpid against speaking lashon hara and voluntarily participating in quizzes to strengthen their knowledge of lashon hara, it became part of my identity too — just like covering my hair after marriage or wearing long skirts or lighting Shabbat candles.

(Not that I was or am perfect about stuff, but it did give me a strong start AND the awareness to do teshuvah later on the areas in which I messed up.)

In other words, these magnets and stickers made an impact beyond their flimsy little appearance and were in fact, a tremendous kiddush Hashem.

Now.

​When these women initially stuck the stickers and magnets onto their appliances, what were they thinking?

Well, they were probably concerned with their own spiritual avodah. 

They were probably concerned that their other families benefit from these little reminders.

And they likely wanted to create a certain "We're careful about lashon hara" atmosphere for their children for reasons of chinuch.

Did any of them think that their little stickers and magnets were making a profound kiddush Hashem?

Unlikely.

Did they have any idea that their little stickers and magnets played a part in forging the identity for me and countless other Jewish girls?

VERY unlikely.

Think about it.

If I just stood at someone's door to pick up or drop off something for a moment, and the door was open wide enough for me to see the telephone on its little stand with a sticker on it — a sticker that I couldn't really read from that distance, but recognized it by it's white background and little red "forbidden" sign — then that was yet another (often unconscious) impression that this area of Torah was vitally important to the common Jew...and especially to the common Jewish woman.

So all the Jewish women with their little stickers and magnets actually made a tremendous kiddush Hashem and helped forge the feminine Jewish identity for countless Jewish women, especially those new to Torah Judaism.

And if you were or are one of those women with those stickers, signs, and magnets posted around, then this means YOU.

Thank you, and yashar ko'ach.

It's so, so important in today's climate for women to realize that you DON'T need to be this big ol' Amazon Superwoman who's "out there" and doing eye-popping stuff that would make a best-selling book in the frum community.

I mean, if you're good at doing eye-popping stuff and you can be that way for Hashem, then that's apparently what He wants you to do with your Amazon Superwoman kochot and your life.

So go for it with hatzlacha & bracha!

But what if you're not like that?

I remember reading a frum self-help book in which many stories of self-improvement ended with the person establishing and running an organization.

Like that was the moral of the story: Establish & run an organization.

Personally? The thought of establishing and running an organization makes me want to crawl under my blanket and never come out again.

In other words: way too overwhelming & stressful.

Huge gestures cannot be the only or even most lauded lesson of self-improvement stories. (They are simply more interesting to read about than small gestures.)

It's all about what Hashem sees, and not about what is really impressive in the eyes of society.

But just living your life according to halachah and continually striving to improve yourself is NO LESS AMAZING than being a frum Amazon Superwoman.

Your small yet sincere acts DO make a huge difference.

It makes a difference in Shamayim, and it also impacts your fellow Jews in positive ways you may never have imagined.

There's so much that we don't know, so much that we can't see, so it's vitally important to keep on going with the seemingly "small" stuff and our baby-steps (which are often actually massive leaps in the Upper Worlds).