Category: Women

What I Finally Learned on My Youngest Son's First Day of School

17/9/2019

When I took my son to his first of day school this year, we were caught up in the rush of hundreds of other parents out on the same mission.

And ditto when I came to pick him up and take him home.

Although his first year (which was last year) at this school (where all his brothers also attended) went wonderfully, this time was different. The beginning of this school year was another step that filled me with new nerves.

Last year, the school's gan happened to be in its own building with its own yard, far away from the super-complex of the school, which hosts all the other grades, up to eighth grade.

This year, my son learns in the multi-level building itself.

Of course, there are safety precautions. The 4-6-year-olds sit in classrooms in their own hallway, and there is an assistant in addition to the teacher. They enjoy recess at a separate time, only going out when the older children are back in class and the yard is empty.

I'm also happy that my son's class merited to have the best teacher for that grade, and after seeing for myself what an ideal teacher he is, I'm even happier.

But I'm still ruminating over the what-ifs and concerns.

It was sitting on the bus stop on the way to pick him up from his first day of school that I woke up to the ruach around me.

Other mothers were picking up their children after sending them to cheder for the first time. They were all so excited.

The same kind of call kept ringing out: "Who is your son learning by this year? Oh, Rabbi Rubenstein? That's wonderful!"

There was a cheerful bustle to it all — at the bus stop, on the bus, weaving my way through the throngs of parents and children — that I couldn't quite place.

At first, I thought these mothers were expressing joyous relief that summer vacation was finally over.

But that wasn't it.

When parents express joy and thankfulness that their child has gotten married, it's not because "Oh, we finally got this kid out of the house! Less mess and more room!"

Not at all.

It's a joy and thankfulness of sending them off to really live their life now, to get down to the nitty-gritty of a Torah journey. It's relief at seeing their child finally find their zivug.

And that's when I realized what this cheerful bustle was: These mothers were rejoicing at sending their sons to learn Torah.

This first day in cheder was the first step in their journey to become ehrliche Yidden and fulfill their destinies as bnei Yaakov Avinu.

I don't know why this never hit me before.

After all, this certainly isn't my first child.

How many first days of school have I experienced without ever really seeing the celebration going on around me?

Maybe I was too caught up in all the hectic details and anxieties to notice.

But this new awareness also re-awakened my appreciation for Yerushalmi mothers, who for all their savvy intelligence, still possess a certain temimut in certain areas because they simply don't know to feel any other way.

And bringing their sons to cheder for the first time is one of those areas.

Baruch Hashem, I was able to be affected now by the general ruach.

Yes, I know things aren't going to be perfect and that school always provides challenges for both parents and children.

But I thought that maybe I could just enjoy the bare-bones fact of it: My son had learned Alef-Bet last year and was going to be learning to read Hebrew this year.

And that's the base for a life of Torah-learning.

And he'll be learning all sorts of halachot and stories from the Torah and Midrash — all geared for his age and level of understanding, and all necessary to nourish his neshamah and form the man he'll eventually become, and hopefully create a wonderful Olam Haba for himself, he should live in good health until 120 (and I also wish that also for you and your children).

So I decided to focus on this idea too and let myself get briefly immersed in all the joyous bustle around me. I also decided, despite the distractions & challenges that are sure to pop up along the way, to try my best to carry it with me throughout the rest of his school years.

Because at the core, that's really what it's all about.

Photo by William Ray from FreeImages

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Part 4: There is None Like Your Nation Israel - Ein K'Amcha Yisrael

15/9/2019

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Why is it vital to aim the spotlight on ordinary frum people being nice?

Because we are roundly attacked by all media at all times, and are incredibly self-critical ourselves, so we need to be reminded how many of us do really wonderful things.

It's not that I am an oblivious idiot sporting especially thick rose-colored glasses; I can tell you exactly what's wrong with the frum community in general and even get specific according to group.

It's very important to ALSO see the good in ourselves and in each other.

You can only fight darkness with light, not with more darkness.

Furthermore, it's important to sing the praises of regular Jews NOT engaged in grand acts.

If you think about it, Leah Imeinu and Chana were not much more than housewives on the surface. Their major avodah happened behind closed doors.

And even when Chana lost her privacy, she wasn't spotlighted for her profound holiness, but was mistaken for a brazen lush.

Yet these two quiet behind-the-scenes ladies merited their own portions in Tanach.

Leah birthed Mashiach.

And Chana's happily-ever-after finale?

Why, she got to be a stay-at-home-mom of 8 children!

(One of whom became one of the greatest Prophets ever, second to Moshe Rabbeinu.)

If Hashem thinks quiet, unseen acts are so important, then maybe we should too.

The Thoughtful Chassidic Tatty

One day, I went to go pick up my son from school before 1:30 PM, which means that I am out and on the bus when the rest of the country is doing the same.

In other words, rush hour with all the crowding & stress.

As I waited at the bus stop, a chassidic man sat there with his little boy. Then a woman approached pushing a stroller with one hand and holding a small child in the crook of her other arm. Another child clung to her skirt as they moved toward the bus stop.

The chassidic man unassumingly rose with his son and moved to stand on the other side of bus stop, thereby allowing the woman sit on the bench with her children.

(He needed to do this because chassidim - along with many other frum people - do not sit on a bench with the opposite gender. So scooting over wasn't enough; he needed to actually vacate the bench.)

Needless to say, this was very thoughtful of him.

The Little Beit Yaakov Girls with Mesirut Nefesh for Derech Eretz

I ended up standing toward the back of the packed bus, which was fine as I knew that seats would free up soon and anyway, it would only be a 15-minute ride maximum.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed two little (3rd- or 4th-grade?) Beit Yaakov girls look at me with concern, put their heads together for a quick whispered conference, then one hoisted herself up on to the lap of the girl sitting by the window, while the girl sitting underneath helped her balance.

Then they called out to me sit down in the newly vacated seat.

Now, I do not know what Beit Yaakov girls wear in other areas, but here, they have enormous backpacks in varying shades of pink that are half the size of the little girls carrying them.

It was humbling to see these two little girls crammed into one seat between their enormous pink sparkly bags, just so they could make a seat available for a perfectly healthy lady standing in the aisle.

I praised them & thanked them, then reassured them that I was fine standing, as anyway, seats would be vacated in another stop or two.

(I was really uncomfortable at the thought of exploiting the goodness these little baalot chessed crammed between the window and their backpacks and each other; I wouldn't have taken seat in such a situation unless I really needed to.)

But these little Beis Yaakov girls continued to hold their position, allowing me to have second thoughts if I wanted (I didn't) before the one finally rolled off the lap of the other. Then they both looked at me quizzically, so I praised them & thanked them again.

A minute later, a row of teenage girls at the back called out to me that a seat had opened up and I ended up sitting next to another little Beis Yaakov girl.

Definitely Not What You Want to Have Happen on a Bus

This little Beis Yaakov girl (maybe a 4th-grader?) started coughing a lot.

I wasn't sure what I could do since she was already holding an open bottle of water in her hand and drinking it when she could.

Suddenly, she coughed so hard she vomited phlegm onto her skirt and the floor.

I think we can all imagine how distressing that is.

All I had in my purse was a plastic bag, which I gave her in case she needed to spit up again.

The 2 Beis Yaakov girls (age 11 or 12?) sitting in front of us immediately turned around to help her, cooing sympathetically & reassuringly while one called out for tissues.

A 9-year-old Beit Yaakov girl had an entire package in her backpack, which was passed through the crowd as we started cleaning up the phlegmy girl.

Then the tissue-extracting stopped as one of the helpful girls called out to the tissue-owner if it was okay to use more tissues?

(We all knew it would be, but you've still got to ask.)

"Use up the entire package," came the authoritative answer.

So they continued cleaning up the phlegmy girl, cooing to her soothingly the whole time. (I discovered that they weren't her sisters, which I thought they might be, due to their attentive care toward her, but they did know her.)

One even cleaned off the floor so that no one would step in the gook later.

Then they helped her off the bus at her stop.

The Pious Chassid of Pirke Avot in Action

I want to bring you in for a closer look at that last scenario.

First of all, these were all very young girls involved.

Yet the entire time, they responded to the unexpected emergency with efficiency and discretion.

(No need to call attention to one's helpfulness nor the state of the phlegmy girl, who is embarrassed enough as is. Other than calmly & briefly calling out about the tissues, there were no raised voices or drama or even a startled "Omigosh — Sara just threw up!")

Also, it is disgusting to clean up someone else's phlegmy vomit with tissues (despite it being perfectly possible to do so without getting one's hands messy) because it just is.

Yet these young girls did so without making faces and without hesitation. They were completely focused on the needs of the suffering little girl.

They displayed no sense of self-importance, just concern for the other.

Finally, despite the distressing situation, they still had the presence of mind to ask the tissue-owner if they could use so many tissues.

Of course, we all KNEW the tissue-owner would say yes.

But there is the famous verse from Avot 5:10, which proclaims "sheli-shelcha, shelcha-shelcha — What's mine is yours; what's yours is yours" as the attitude of a righteous person.

So the first two girls fulfilled the second part of the verse: "shelach-shelach — This is yours. This situation is urgent, but not a real emergency. We need to follow the courtesy of at least asking your permission, even though we know you'll say yes. What's yours is YOURS."

And the tissue-owner fulfilled the first part of the verse: "sheli-shelach — You need my tissues, so now they're yours."

That was the most quintessentially Jewish part of the whole shebang.

And no offense to anyone, but I grew up in non-Jewish and secular Jewish culture. That extra step of instinctive consideration in the middle of an urgent situation?

I never saw it in the outside world. On the contrary, movies and books always show urgent situations as permitting a hefkerut of others' possessions. It's even idealized.

And there was a certain rhythm to it all. Everyone behaved like clockwork.

And the girl who even clean off the floor out of consideration for others' shoes? Chessed & thoughtfulness until to the end — and all performed in an automatic & unassuming manner.

Of course they knew they were being good and behaving correctly, but they clearly did not think they were special.

But they are.

And it's so delicious to see these young Jewish girls instilled with such fine Torah values.

Yashar koach to their parents and schools, and certainly to the innately holy neshamot of these young frum girls themselves.

Related links:
Part I: There is None like You, O Yisrael; Ein K'amcha Yisrael

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How a Little Sticker Helped Forge Jewish Feminine Identity & Created a Great Kiddush Hashem

12/9/2019

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When I first started my voyage into frumkeit, I noticed something in many frum homes, both in America & in Eretz Yisrael.

On the telephone was a sticker warning against lashon hara.

On the fridge hung a magnet warning against lashon hara.

Some homes even had an anti-lashon hara reminder on the front door.

It was also clear to me that it was the woman of the house who was so concerned about lashon hara.

In fact, I initially assumed that the Chafetz Chaim wrote his celebrated sefer for women!

I was shocked to discover that he'd written it as a general guide for all Jews, which was initially only studied by men.

It's very much to the credit of Jewish women that they embraced this sefer with so much heartfelt devotion & commitment.

Anyway, seeing these little stickers and magnets made a deep impression on me, even without me consciously realizing it at the time.

It impressed upon me the importance of the laws of lashon hara, which take profound discipline, emuna, and concern for others in order to uphold them.

And I noticed this same effect on many, many of my peers.

Again, the fact that Jewish women devoted themselves to an area of Jewish Law that demands such intense discipline, emuna, and compassion for others is a tremendous zechut for Am Yisrael.

Even when people stumbled in this area, it was still clear that lashon hara was a very big deal and not an area to be ignored.

When forging my identity as a Jewish woman, the halachot of lashon hara were an innate part of that new identity (even as I sometimes resented or misunderstood their boundaries).

Why?

Because of those female-applied stickers and magnets.

Now, this doesn't mean that I didn't trip up in this area.

But I was motivated to review the halachot and strive to uphold them BECAUSE of their importance and significance to the frum community.

And because I saw frum women discussing the halachot in casual conversation, because I saw stickers and magnets applied by frum women, and because I saw frum women accepting upon themselves certain hours to be exactingly makpid against speaking lashon hara and voluntarily participating in quizzes to strengthen their knowledge of lashon hara, it became part of my identity too — just like covering my hair after marriage or wearing long skirts or lighting Shabbat candles.

(Not that I was or am perfect about stuff, but it did give me a strong start AND the awareness to do teshuvah later on the areas in which I messed up.)

In other words, these magnets and stickers made an impact beyond their flimsy little appearance and were in fact, a tremendous kiddush Hashem.

A Little Bit Goes a VERY Long Way

Now.

When these women initially stuck the stickers and magnets onto their appliances, what were they thinking?

Well, they were probably concerned with their own spiritual avodah.

They were probably concerned that their other families benefit from these little reminders.

And they likely wanted to create a certain "We're careful about lashon hara" atmosphere for their children for reasons of chinuch.

Did any of them think that their little stickers and magnets were making a profound kiddush Hashem?

Unlikely.

Did they have any idea that their little stickers and magnets played a part in forging the identity for me and countless other Jewish girls?

VERY unlikely.

Think about it.

If I just stood at someone's door to pick up or drop off something for a moment, and the door was open wide enough for me to see the telephone on its little stand with a sticker on it — a sticker that I couldn't really read from that distance, but recognized it by it's white background and little red "forbidden" sign — then that was yet another (often unconscious) impression that this area of Torah was vitally important to the common Jew...and especially to the common Jewish woman.

So all the Jewish women with their little stickers and magnets actually made a tremendous kiddush Hashem and helped forge the feminine Jewish identity for countless Jewish women, especially those new to Torah Judaism.

And if you were or are one of those women with those stickers, signs, and magnets posted around, then this means YOU.

Thank you, and yashar ko'ach.

Upside-Down World: The Little Things Can Actually be the Most Important

It's so, so important in today's climate for women to realize that you DON'T need to be this big ol' Amazon Superwoman who's "out there" and doing eye-popping stuff that would make a best-selling book in the frum community.

I mean, if you're good at doing eye-popping stuff and you can be that way for Hashem, then that's apparently what He wants you to do with your Amazon Superwoman kochot and your life.

So go for it with hatzlacha & bracha!

But what if you're not like that?

I remember reading a frum self-help book in which many stories of self-improvement ended with the person establishing and running an organization.

Like that was the moral of the story: Establish & run an organization.

Personally? The thought of establishing and running an organization makes me want to crawl under my blanket and never come out again.

In other words: way too overwhelming & stressful.

Huge gestures cannot be the only or even most lauded lesson of self-improvement stories. (They are simply more interesting to read about than small gestures.)

It's all about what Hashem sees, and not about what is really impressive in the eyes of society.

But just living your life according to halachah and continually striving to improve yourself is NO LESS AMAZING than being a frum Amazon Superwoman.

Your small yet sincere acts DO make a huge difference.

It makes a difference in Shamayim, and it also impacts your fellow Jews in positive ways you may never have imagined.

There's so much that we don't know, so much that we can't see, so it's vitally important to keep on going with the seemingly "small" stuff and our baby-steps (which are often actually massive leaps in the Upper Worlds).

WORK SMARTER, NOT HARDER

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The Importance of Letting Go & Letting God Decide What is Beautiful. Let God (and not Paris or the NYT) Decide If an Act Sanctifies His Name...or Soils It

4/9/2019

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In our upside-down world today, the ideas of kiddush Hashem (sanctification of Hashem's Name) and chilul Hashem (the desecration of Hashem's Name) can get mixed up.

Kiddush Hashem means presenting Hashem honestly, as HE wishes to be viewed.

For example, if you live in a society which says that killing unborn babies is an act of compassion or that 2 men getting "married" is a sign of morality & social progress, then even if everyone hates you for saying otherwise, it is a chilul Hashem for you to present Hashem as agreeing with acts He specifically forbade, such as abortion or same-gender marriage.

And it is a kiddush Hashem to object to such forbidden acts, like abortion & same-gender "marriage," and to also support laws that support normal man-woman marriage and to support laws and organizations that save unborn babies and provide for their mothers.

Secular newspapers & even some "frum" bloggers strive to impose society's standards onto Hashem, and encourage you to feel misplaced shame as a result, distorting what kiddush Hashem & chilul Hashem really mean.

The more knowledgeable you are in original Torah sources, the easier it is to stay strong.

So kiddush Hashem & chilul Hashem are not reliant on just what society considers good or bad.

It's all about what Hashem considers good or bad.

Why Reject Hashem's Standards of Beauty in Favor of the Standards of Milan & Paris?

In the frum world, for instance, some people get odd ideas about kiddush Hashem.

For example, a frum woman who makes sure to follow the latest fashion by wearing clothes that are too tight, skirts that are too short (or almost too short) and a shaitel more suitable for a Las Vegas showgirl — she often considers herself as making a kiddush Hashem.

And this doesn't even cover all the gestures these well-meaning women copy from the non-Jewish world, like flipping her long shaitel hair back in an attention-getting manner (and hope there is no one behind her who gets hit in the eye) and all sorts of other socially encouraged gestures & acts meant to make a woman look alluring and "free-spirited."

("Free-spirited" is the politically correct word for "hefker.")

But the intent of these well-meaning people is to say:

Look at how attractive frumkeit is!

Look at how gorgeous & free-spirited you can be while holding down a prestigious job & raising 8 kids!

And she gets lots of compliments for her appearance and for making frumkeit "look good."

Yet there is no way that such a lack of tsniut makes Hashem look good.

And while this isn't the place to get into what Hashem might think of a career woman (NOT a woman who works part-time or who is forced to work full-time, but a hard-hitting ambitious career woman — especially one with little children & babies), it's very questionable whether this "have-it-all" attitude truly reflects Hashem's feminine ideal.

It's clear that women (or men in the male version of this) sincerely mean well. They honestly think they are making frumkeit look lovely & desirable.

But a Jew who does not maintain halachic standards is not making Hashem look good.

In other words, following society's standards when those standards contradict Hashem's standards is actually a chilul Hashem.

But following Hashem's standards (as pleasantly as possible), despite society's oppositional standards, is a kiddush Hashem.

You are So Beautiful to the King of the Entire Universe

To combat the above, Rav Avigdor Miller frequently mentioned the importance of seeing our fellow Torah-observant Jews as "BEAUTIFUL."

If someone strives to keep the mitzvot as Hashem directed, then that person is BEAUTIFUL.

This is why Rav Avigdor Miller recommends you look into your spouse's eyes and say (to yourself, at least): "I am now looking at Hashem's Divine Image."

This is why Rav Miller exhorts us to look at the frazzled frum mother surrounded by young children and see her as more beautiful than any physical beauty queen. (But not in a taavadik way, if you're a man.)

This is why Rav Miller exhorts us to look at the somewhat overweight frum man waddling down the street to Mincha and think, "I love that man."

It's easy to get caught up in society's standards of beauty & poise.

It's easy to be embarrassed by frum people (or look down on ourselves) when the current standards of beauty, poise, and coolness are not met.

But if we are doing what Hashem wants (even clumsily), then we need to know that we are so incredibly beautiful.

We need to train ourselves to see ourselves that way & to see our fellow frummies that way too.

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The Politically Incorrect Truth: Females Need Protection to Avoid Harm; And in Situations of Harm, Many Find It Hard to Act in the Absence of 3 Crucial Factors (Alternative Title: Yet More Reasons Why the Mandatory Draft of Girls is a Very Bad Idea)

29/8/2019

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Despite all the hype in today’s world about the “new!” bold confident assertive women of today, a glance around immediately shows that the truth is very different.

Especially young woman struggle to stand up for themselves in certain situations. Unfortunately, the brassy sneering females get the spotlight.

(This is despite the ugly situations they can find themselves in, situations that should be avoided for their own benefit.)

And self-absorbed women who have faced aggressive men and overcome them like to hoist themselves up on the pedestal of “If I can do it, ANYONE can!”

This highly narcissistic attitude ignores situational & personality variables. As is characteristic of cults, it holds a black-and-white view that every situation and every person can be molded in exactly the same way.

In many, if not most, situations in which a woman or girl is able to successfully fight off or escape an assault, there is tremendous mazal involved — an important factor ignored by mainstream society and those who promote this Supergirl persona.

But many young woman struggle.

In every co-ed army in the world, reports of harassment and violation occur.

This is true even in the American army, which as a volunteer army, you’d think attracts a more assertive type of women. Furthermore, female recruits undergo basic training, which includes self-defense and hand-to-hand combat.

(Although in the IDF, basic training doesn’t always include that; it depends. But it does always include training in the use of a machine gun.)

So why is it that, in all armies that allow female enlistment, so many women (especially young women) are unable to fend off (either physically or behaviorally) their male colleagues and superiors in the military?

Whether it’s verbal harassment or physical assault, these trained Amazons ultimately cannot control certain situations to their benefit if their male assailant doesn’t allow it.

Mandatory Female Draft is an Anti-Female Agenda

Today’s IDF pushes the agenda of female recruitment.

There is also a ruach of pride that girls can operate within the army, including combat, and all secular journalism portrays female recruitment in a rosy hue.

Even among the dati-leumi, female recruitment (not shirut leumi, but actual IDF service) is admired in some circles.

There are so many problems with this and so much false propaganda to counter. But today, we’ll just focus on harassment, exploitation, and violation.

What are the 3 Factors Often Necessary before Girls & Women will Seek Assistance?

Unfortunately, young woman faced with predatory colleagues (and especially predatory superiors) find themselves in a particularly distressing situation.

In addition to the superior physical strength young men generally possess over young women, a higher-ranking male possesses authority over all soldiers under him.

This obviously does not include the right to harass and assault (which is strictly forbidden in the IDF – officially, anyway).

But rules & resources aside, a young woman can easily find herself psychologically intimidated by both an officer’s physical imposition (even if he's not actively using it) and his authority, even if she’s not consciously aware of what’s she’s intimidated by.

A common yet never-discussed dynamic is that many young women find it difficult to get help UNLESS all the factors line up to their advantage.

Just to ask for help (whether in the middle of a situation or after the fact), many young women need the following:

Someone (often male) with the authority and power to help.
Approachability
The CERTAINTY that this authority will indeed help them.

If any of the 3 factors are lacking, many young women will not seek assistance or protection.

This is why you have young women stuck in situations they could easily get out of or why young women don’t always demand help even in a public setting surrounded by lots of people.

What Happened to the Israeli Superwoman All of the Sudden?

For example, my husband once supervised a café run by 2 frum guys.

The waitresses were all young Jewish women of the secular/traditional type, at least some of whom were after military service. To save money, the managers hired a middle-aged married Yishmaeli.

My husband felt disgruntled with this situation from the outset. He hated the idea of a Yishmaelite holding authority over Jewish girls.

Sure enough, my husband entered the café not longer after hiring and was approached by the young female staff to complain about harassment.

“He makes us give him a kiss and hug before we leave,” they complained. “If we don’t, then he deletes us from the computer and we don’t get paid that day for all the work we did.”

(Note: The above constitutes ACTUAL harassment.)

Some of the girls gave into the Yishmaeli’s demand while some refused and suffered their names deleted from the computer for that day’s work.

But none of them confronted the Yishmaeli on the spot.

Nor did they complain to their bosses.

No, they waited until my husband showed up — an approachable sympathetic male with the power to help and protect them.

Feeling the same as if his little sisters had approached him with the same complaint, my horrified husband instantly contacted the managers and said, “The Arab has to go NOW or else I’m withdrawing your certification on the spot.” Then he ordered them to never hire such a person again.

The Yishmaelite was fired and my husband grumbled about people trying to save money on the cheshbon of Jewish girls.

Stunned & upset by the harmful hiring on part of the frum bosses, I wondered out loud, “Could they have really thought he'd behave decently? I mean, he’s this middle-aged married guy.”

My husband huffed and shook his head.

“How could they not know that he can’t control himself?” he said. “Of course they knew! It’s literally putting a fox in charge of the henhouse. What did they think would happen? He suddenly finds himself with all these young Jewish girls under him and he just couldn’t control himself.”

Then he had some more choice words against the Yishmaelite mentality in general and toward females, especially Jewish females.

(Note: When my husband mentioned “their” lack of self-control, he did NOT mean that as an excuse for appalling behavior, but as a directive to protect ourselves and AVOID creating such situations in which girls suffer.)

Yes, my husband handled this situation excellently.

But what perplexed me was how the girls didn’t stand up for themselves.

After all, this is Israeli society and Israelis—including the females—tend to be more assertive.

According to logic, the following needs to be answered:

At least some of these girls were after or in the middle of military service. They’d shot rifles and been conditioned to behave assertively & with dedication to the welfare of their colleagues — why couldn’t they stand up to Achmed?

Also, they were a group united in their resentment and certainty that this was unjust. So why were they unable to stand up for themselves as a unit?

Furthermore, these girls represented the majority in power in the country (Jewish) while their harasser was in the less advantaged sector (Muslim-Arab). So why didn’t they just stand up to Achmed?

Also, some of the girls did have the guts to refuse his demands -- and got deleted from the system. So why didn't they take it one step further and protest to either Achmed or their Jewish bosses?

Why didn’t they immediately complain to their bosses?

Why didn’t they complain to their parents — their parents would’ve for sure intervened, right?

Why did these girls feel they needed to wait for the appearance of a definitely sympathetic & approachable male with the authority to help them?

Why?

Because that just seems to be the way many young women intuitively handle such situations. (Please see the 3 factors listed above.)

The "Freeze" Response Cannot Always be Overcome

Back to the army:

It’s unrealistic and naïve to expect all men to relate with decency and respect to their female colleagues and subordinates in the army, especially when you have a majority secular crowd that lacks knowledge or respect for the Jewish Laws of purity and the hands-off directives, and all other relevant halachot.

Furthermore, all the messages in secular society confuse both males & females.

And some people are just bad people.

I once read the heart-breaking report of a 14-year-old babysitter who’d been violated by the father of the sleeping child she was babysitting, which needless to say with a physically excruciating and emotionally traumatic experience for her. He went back upstairs for something, leaving her sitting downstairs of the sofa right near the front door.

A police station sat merely 1 block away.

Yet the girl made no dash for rescue.

She ended up sitting there for 45 minutes until the scoundrel came back to abuse her further.

Later, she recalled feeling frozen, like she couldn’t move. She could hardly think.

Hearing about this type of reaction often confounds people. She had ample opportunity to escape; why didn’t she go?

So the answer is: Based on how young women tend to respond and what they subconsciously sense they need, running to the police can be too much of a risk.

She needed to KNOW without a doubt that there would be a sympathetic approachable authority who would for sure help her.

And without knowing the officers on duty there, it was too much to ask of her to just run over there after she’d been so traumatized.

Some girls still would for sure have made it out to the police down the street.

Some girls are able to do whatever they need to do to help themselves.

But expecting all girls to help or defend themselves just because a minority manage to do so, and so it’s fine ‘n’ dandy to place girls in problematic situations l’chatchila?

What a callous attitude.

Furthermore, with the babysitter: She’d already been abused by men before, although not violated in the way she was that night. I feel this had a lot to do with her helpless response.

Apparently, the previous abuse conditioned her to feel helpless in such a situation, so she could not find it within her to make it to the police station just 1 block away.

Prevention is the Real Key to Fighting Abuse

This is yet another factor against placing young women in any military.

Any girl already traumatized by abuse can experience the same shut-down response when faced with abuse by male colleagues and superiors in the army.

But again, under the influence of Edomite culture which is the pig that extends its cloven hoof to deceptively display its claimed kashrut while hiding the totally treif lack of cud-chewing inside, the army simply posts and proclaims regulations and procedures for dealing with harassment and abuse of females even as it CREATES the very situation that leads to such exploitation in the first place.

This kind of thing is popular in Anglo cultures throughout the world.

People focus on after-the-fact measures rather than preventative measures.

Esav loves to build a hospital at the bottom of the cliff rather than erecting a barrier to prevent cars from driving off the cliff.

It's interesting to note that at least one group has dedicated itself to teaching women & girls to AVOID potentially dangerous situations, rather than rely on self-defense techniques. They were driven to do this out of concern for female well-being & after noticing that the techniques often don't help & that females are better served by AVOIDANCE measures.

(No Nonsense Self-Defense - Disclaimer: Some of the content is disturbing.)

Another top female self-defense instructor in America incorporates situational awareness and AVOIDANCE techniques into her self-defense course for females. Again, she was driven to do so upon seeing that self-defense is often not helpful for females.

And yes, I personally know girls and women who’ve fought off abusers or attackers. Baruch Hashem they were able to do so!

But using that minority to justify putting the majority of young women in a potentially harmful situation?

How very wrong, how very callous, and how very blind such people must be.

For a related post, please see:
A Brief Look at Why All the Gedolei Hador Always So Strongly Opposed Giyus Banot

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A Brief Look at Why All the Gedolei Hador Always So Strongly Opposed Giyus Banot

28/8/2019

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The main reason given by Gedolei Hador worldwide for their strenuous opposition to giyus banot (recruiting girls into the army) has to do with arayot — illicit & licentious behavior.

In addition to the fact that there is no practical reason for women to serve in battle, their participation in non-physical aspects of the military is of questionable worth.

(Just as one example: The male-female dynamics that often accompany mixed offices are always a problem in regular work-settings, but can lead to disaster within a military setting, with so much security and lives at stake.)

It has been pointed out many times that the only other country to enforce the female draft is North Korea.

Israel's mandatory draft of girls is a big chilul Hashem. Furthermore, girls who do teshuvah sometime between high school and IDF service aren't always considered religious and therefore aren't always exempt from this ridiculous draft of teenage girls — much to the distress of these girls.

Even fully charedi Beit Yaakov girls who aren't yet registered for seminary following high school graduation have been caught in the draft.

But let's get back to arayot.

Army-Training for WHAT?!

It's always a challenge to know exactly how much to say in a public forum that can be read (and misunderstood) by absolutely anyone.

So I won't say everything, but I will say this:

When I was already frum and living in Eretz Yisrael, I got to know a young woman who was just starting out in Torah & mitzvot. She'd been living in Israeli society for a while and was more familiar with regular Israeli society.

I was chewing over the idea of giyus banot with her, saying that while I agreed that women are not effective in battle, I honestly did not understand why girls couldn't serve in non-combat areas of the IDF. (I no longer think like this.)

To my surprise (after all, she wasn't so frum at that point), she wrinkled her nose and curled her upper lip at the idea.

"The army is really a bad influence on girls," she said with distaste. "Girls really shouldn't be there."

I was surprised at the chill in her attitude toward the idea. Secular (or even some modernish religious people) are not generally so opposed to female enlistment.

"Why?" I asked. "What's wrong with non-combat positions for girls?"

She looked like she was deliberating what to say. "Well," she finally said. "I'll give you just one example that happened with 2 friends of mine."

Her 2 girl friends went through the standard (approximately 2 years) of IDF service. Upon being discharged, these same 2 girls decided to go and become pritzot in a elite beis znus in Japan that caters to wealthy clientele.

I was shocked.

"And you think that their army service had something to do with that?" I said.

Still looking like she had a bad smell in her nose, she said, "Yeah."

But she didn't want to go into anymore detail about what had happened with these 2 girls during their army service.

Now, I know that 2 don't prove a rule and that most girls do not completely lose their dignity in that way in the army. But the fact that there is something in the IDF that can lead to this is a problem.

In this situation, my friend was convinced that the girls' decision to enter into such a deplorable lifestyle was a direct result of their IDF service. Meaning, they'd shown no inclination toward that before.

And certainly, you don't hear that happening as a result of entering into other institutions.

Some Very Real (& Very Tragic) Results of Female Enlistment in the IDF

Sadly, another friend of mine went with her formerly secular Israeli husband to an Israeli hospital for a D&C after a miscarriage.

While she was there, she noticed that the waiting room was full of very young women - like on either side of 20.

My friend's heart went out to them. She was also really shocked. How is it that so many girls who are so young are having miscarriages, and then needing a D&C? "I couldn't believe all these young girls were having miscarriages!" she said to me. "I just felt like, 'Oh, these poor girls!' "

When she confided her concerns to her husband (who'd served in the IDF), he said, "What are you thinking? How can you be so naive? These girls are here for abortions. They're chayalot and the army pays for their abortions."

In 2014, 1000 chayalot underwent abortions.

In 2015, it was 839 (730 of which were "taken care of" by the IDF).

This is obviously appalling on so many levels, it's hard to know where to begin.

The physical & emotional trauma & aftereffects of abortion have been extensively documented (and repressed by pro-abortion groups). That these young women are being put through this is such an unconcerned manner is appalling.

Not to mention the circumstances that led up to this, especially since the methods to avoid pregnancy are so acceptable in Israeli society (and free to any IDF soldier) and there is still the idea to marry if a couple discovers a pregnancy.

Another reason for this situation is the atmosphere in the army. It's sort of like an American college dorm in its hefkerut between males & females, some areas worse than others.

This doesn't even begin to touch on the very real issues of harassment & coercion & seduction & grooming that not only occur, but are greatly exacerbated by the enforced obedience endemic to any army.

And finally, yet most importantly, all of the above (whether by consent or coercion) are halachically forbidden — not that the powers-that-be care.

Countering the Propaganda

Also, from what I see, the girls themselves are the least to blame.

There's so much propaganda & social pressure regarding female enlistment, it's very hard for a teenage girl to resist the bombardment.

The propaganda is also done in such a skilled and alluring way.

I've even seen "charedi" media feature photos of chayalot who've completed their completely meaningless and gross tank service.

Charedi girls going off the derech even express interest in enlisting.

It's promoted in such a way that's hard to resist.

Furthermore, not all girls lose their tsniut in the army, but the individual cases don't justify the general problem.

And it CERTAINLY does not counter the very reason WHY the IDF insists on a mandatory draft for teenage girls.

(And no, it's not because girls are better at passive observation of monitors. That claim is part of the propaganda machine.)

Here's what Rav Avigdor Miller said about giyus banot, quoting a book by an army general he doesn't name (but can probably be double-checked by seeing which Israeli generals wrote books in the 70s):

Now we want to save העם היושב בציון, we want to help them out. We want to stop the wars; and therefore if we’re going to fight against the adverse influences there; if we’re going to exert pressure on the government that they have to remedy these evils, maybe we can have a hand in protecting the Jews in Eretz Yisroel...We want them to stop drafting girls in the army.

Because girls in the army means only one thing. Like that Israeli general who wrote a book about the Israeli army. We can trust what he tells us. And he states openly that for most girls, the induction into the army is their first experience in znus.

For most Israeli girls the army is a beis zonos. So now you have an institution, the Israeli army, which is one big house of prostitution and the girls are forced into it. Now that’s not my statement. It’s a statement by a general who wrote a history of the Israel Defense Forces and he makes that statement openly. He doesn’t make it in a clandestine secret way that you have to read between the lines.

He says it openly. They’re not ashamed.

TAPE # 204 (February 1978)
How to Protect the Jews of Eretz Yisroel

For a post on how deeply the propaganda can affect young women, please see:

The Aspect of Israeli Mentality You Need to Know in Order to Understand the Issues
Then please scroll down to Story #3: Armored Corps Avoidance Anxiety Disorder (ACAAD)

And also this related new post:
The Politically Incorrect Truth: Females Need Protection to Avoid Harm; And in Situations of Harm, Many Find It Hard to Act in the Absence of 3 Crucial Factors (Alternative Title: Yet More Reasons Why the Mandatory Draft of Girls is a Very Bad Idea)

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The Secret Beneath the Greatness of the Sassover Rebbetzin

4/8/2019

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The Sassover Rebbetzin’s 2015 memoir, Forever in Faith: The Sassover Rebbetzin Reflects, was one of the harder Shoah memoirs for me to get through.

They’re always difficult to read, but this one was even more so.

The Sassover Rebbetzin Bluma Teitelbaum a"h was just 17 when the Nazis invaded. And she ended up losing her entire God-fearing illustrious family in the Shoah.

Enduring harrowing experience after harrowing experience, the horrors didn’t cease with the end of the war.

While many survivors recall difficult conditions after the war, whether rehabilitating themselves in Displaced Person camps or trying to track down surviving relatives and making a quick (and often risky) trip back to their original home, Forever in Faith records a particularly frightening period upon liberation in which Bluma was still on the run for her life — and still starving.

Young Bluma and the smattering of other girls who survived the Death March found themselves in a German village still smoldering with Jew-hatred.

The “liberators” were Russian Mongols whose behavior was so bestial that a German village woman who’d initially expressed vicious Jew-hatred toward Bluma ended up taking Bluma and another girl into her home — for her own protection more than theirs, but it still gives you a picture of how bad the Russian soldiers were.

(Rebbetzin Teitelbaum, being a very refined person, did not go into much detail.)

Mind-Boggling Gratitude

When Bluma finally made it back to her people (albeit still in Europe), she noted that many Jews left the fold due to the horrors they’d endured.

Yet she also noted several remarkable girls from assimilated families who, upon fathoming the miracles that had saved them, decided to explore what Judaism was all about and strengthened their mitzvot observance. (They received support from other young female frum survivors, intent on rebuilding Am Yisrael.)

At this point, Bluma made a shocking resolve that shows the depth of her personal greatness: Upon realizing she was the only survivor of her family, she decided that she owed Hashem something in return for His Great Grace in enabling her to survive impossible conditions.

This boggles the mind because she could have so easily (and understandably) decided to resent Hashem for killing off her entire family, which consisted of such wonderful & dedicated Jews.

But no. The now twentysomething Bluma decided to face her devastating situation with gratitude (!).

After pondering how she could best serve Hashem, she decided she would marry a genuine talmid chacham and dedicate her life to Torah.

Dedication in the Face of More Tragedy

So, while most other survivors were getting married and starting new lives, Bluma held out for her dream.

After several years, she met a tzaddik who’d also survived the Shoah — and who was 20 years her senior — and they married.

Happily, she dedicated herself to her tzaddik husband and his Torah. But not long after they married, he took ill and then passed away, leaving no children.

Still committed to her initial decision, Bluma held out again for marriage to another genuine talmid chacham. She ended up married to the Sassover Rebbe Lipa Teitelbaum, and they had several children in quick succession.

Tragically, the Rebbe also died early, leaving the Sassover Rebbetzin to raise their children and manage his institutions on her own.

Tzaddikim Recognize a Fellow Tzaddikah

Due to her own spiritual greatness, Rebbetzin Bluma Teitelbaum was accorded honors by Gadolei Hador generally reserved for other Gedolei Hador and genuine talmidei chachamim.

The Gerrer Rebbe of that time (the Beis Yisroel) used to give her priority whenever he heard she was in his waiting room.

The Chazon Ish, who met with people as little as possible and kept visits short with those he did meet, used to accord her honor by going out to receive Rebbetzin Bluma whenever she needed him and spent as much time with her as she needed.

Time and again, the greatest Gadolim of Am Yisrael accorded Rebbetzin Bluma honor and deference they reserved only for other Gadolei Hador.

Why?

How Did the Sassover Rebbetzin Become Equal or Even Superior to Talmidei Chachamim in the Eyes of the Gadolei Hador?

When asked, these Gadolei Hador expressed reverence for Rebbetzin Bluma’s solid emuna and the fact that she wholeheartedly dedicated herself to tzarchei hatzibbur—the needs of the community.

And I think this gets lost in today’s world of self-promotion, impressive degrees, and nifty titles.

Rebbetzin Bluma was not accorded honor due to her illustrious husband (although that would’ve been appropriate too) nor because of her great intelligence and scholarship (although she also possessed a brilliant mind that enabled her to assist her sons with learning Gemara).

It had to do with Rebbetzin Bluma’s middot and other mind-boggling inner qualities, like her emuna and dedication to Torah & the Jewish community — especially in the face of the extreme horror she suffered, in addition to the heartbreak of being widowed twice and other challenges.

Another Gedolat Hador

Likewise, Rebbetzin Batsheva Kanievsky a"h merited the power to give brachas on the basis of her commitment to dedicate herself to tzarchei hatzibbur.

In fact, when her husband Rav Chaim Kanievsky went to Rav Elyashiv for a bracha in success with a particular issue, Rav Elyashiv asked Rav Kanievsky why he didn’t go to Rav Elyashiv’s daughter (Rav Kanievsky’s wife) Batsheva for a bracha? She has the power, Rav Elyashiv affirmed.

Though Rebbetzin Batsheva Kanievsky was Rav Elyashiv’s daughter, Rav Elyashiv wouldn’t have said it if it wasn’t true. He was a very loving father, but not a blindly sentimental one.

If he said it, it was true.

This is despite the fact that Rebbetzin Batsheva was highly intelligent. Her former classmates and teachers repeatedly attested to Rebbetzin Batsheva’s brilliant mind. And of course, she was a learned woman.

Yet Rebbetzin Batsheva Kanievsky’s power to give brachas and to positively influence people didn’t come from her scholarship.

It came from her internal qualities, her personal holiness and dedication to the Jewish people.

Real Equality: Equality of INNER Greatness

Unfortunately for both men & women today, titles and degrees and IQ levels predominate.

And unfortunately, some quasi-Orthodox women wish to take on the negative aspects of men (“I need an impressive title! I need an impressive certificate! I need kavod!”), which has been typical of the feminist movement.

Meaning not that all men pursue kavod, but men and women each have certain positive tendencies and negative tendencies.

For millennia, Chazal has propounded against the male tendencies to covet kavod & titles & position. (You can see this in every mussar sefer and the Gemara, where the Sages are clearly addressing a male audience, although women are certainly invited to and can benefit from these mussar sefarim too.)

“The גמרא [Gemara] says that the זכות [zechut/merit] of women is much greater than the זכות [zechut/merit] of men. Because many men often do things because of כבוד [kavod/honor], to show off.

“But women don’t have the chance to show off. They’re in the home, doing tremendous things, behind closed doors. They’re doing tremendous things.

“So the זכות [zechut/merit] of women is greater than men. Men have to work much harder to be זוכה [zocheh/meritorious] in the eyes of Hashem.”

– Rav Avigdor Miller
Tape #E-203

Yet rather than trying to refine men, society has encouraged women to take men’s negative tendencies upon themselves. (So now women can be weighed down with double the negatives—ooh, I feel so liberated!)

And the most high-falutin’ “rabbah” will never merit the honor and deference the Sassover Rebbetzin Bluma Teitelbaum merited from the greatest Gadolei Hador.

(And neither will the high-falutin’ male rabbis who lack the personal inner qualities needed to merit the kavod of tzaddikim.)

Real spiritual giants do not covet titles or honors or impressive degrees.

That’s the point: They don’t seek honor at all; not from great people and not from small people.

They just do what they need to do and keep their eye on the ball: Hashem’s Ratzon.

The honor, the accolades, and the powers they receive are the natural result of their inner development.

Those things aren’t the goal and never should be.

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Giyus Banot, Crafty Deception, and Spiritual Physics

28/7/2019

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An issue that keeps popping up in Israeli society is giyus banot—female army enlistment.

This topic deserves a much bigger post, but we’ll just start out with this.

Ever since it became an issue decades ago, every big talmid chacham I’ve heard give his opinion on this has stated that it’s forbidden across the board, no exceptions. Ever.

This post isn’t even going to go into the whole reason why the Gedolim so strongly oppose giyus banot, but will briefly describe the historical key to Jewish military success and then address one angle of the whole shebang because it's an angle craftily used by the propaganda machine.

The Age-Old Secret to Jewish Military Victory (and it's not even such a secret!)

As described in the posts regarding my son’s army service (plus my own experiences talking to former female IDF “soldiers” & the plain cold hard numbers), the IDF is anyway overstaffed with many soldiers (hundreds at least) serving in imaginary positions—like the girl on my son’s base who was in charge of “culture & recreation,” but did nothing for 6 months except watch pirated movies on her cell phone all day and show the base an American movie one evening.

And that’s just one example.

And despite propaganda to the contrary, women CANNOT carry out combat duties nearly as well as men.

So practical reasons for female enlistment are almost nil.

Interestingly, the Gedolim haven’t made exceptions for females who could perform certain military tasks better than males. That’s not the issue.

A Jewish army has always depended on the spiritual quality of its soldiers and the spiritual quality of its motivation for its success.

WHO is going out to war and WHY?

You can read this in Tanach.

Yes, Jewish warriors have always displayed superior battle skills, whether in actual battle or in strategy.

But historically, the key to their success (or lack of) in battle rested in their hearts.

Again, you can see this pattern throughout Jewish history.

But certain powers-that-be are ignoring the historical facts and making giyus banot a pivotal issue.

So let’s take a look at one aspect of modern military service that gets pumped in the media because females do tend to perform better than males in this area.

Boys Can Do Surveillance Too

Because it’s a passive, nitpicky job, women tend to be better at camera surveillance than men.

Does this mean that men cannot do it at all?

NO.

It just means that you’ll find more women suited to this work than men.

Does this mean that you need to draft women into the IDF for this work?

NO.

In a Nachal Charedi unit in the South (I think it’s Givati), they use males to perform this task because they can’t have females on this base due to the Nachal Charedi restrictions. And these males seem to be performing just fine.

Furthermore, my son said that when he worked on a base that specialized in surveillance, there were always a couple of guys among the girls. This wasn’t to meet some quota (“We need at least 2 males per X-number females each shift!”); this was because these guys happened to be equally good at surveillance.

So they are out there, but yeah, you might need to sift more through the male population to find them.

Furthermore, in both recent and wayback history, wars and military efforts have been carried out just fine without any kind of female participation. Defeats & losses have been due to lack of morals or lack of brains or lack of equipment, not lack of females.

But due to their hidden (or actually not-so-hidden) agenda, the media & the upper echelons of the IDF like to magnify the female contribution in IDF surveillance.

Watch for this in headlines, the slant of certain articles, and the promotional photos accompanying such articles. You'll see it.

Big Feminist Accomplishment: Girls are So Much Better at Boring, Passive Activity!

One much-lauded example occurred a few years ago when a female screen-watcher spotted a group of terrorists scuttling out of a hole in the ground onto completely bare and empty terrain at Kibbutz Sufa.

(For a post detailing the miracle without promoting female military service, please see HERE.)

The screen-watcher than alerted the (male) security forces to deal with the issue of the terrorists and the newly revealed underground tunnel.

Now, I think many of us saw the actual footage of the event.

Does it take any superior skill or courage to spot a GROUP of dark figures scuttling over a bare, empty, pale patch of terrain?

NO.

Does it take any superior skill or courage to alert your superiors to this activity?

NO.

Is a male incapable of carrying out this exact same task?

NO.

In that scenario, the real heroes were shmurah matzah, Shemitah, and their adherents.

The mass harvesting of grain to produce shmurah matzot for 2 years (including a Shemitah year) was why there was all that pale, empty, bare terrain (instead of the expected cover of tall wheat) that made it so easy to spot a group of darkly clad terrorists.

But the IDF high mucky-mucks inserted a whole thing about how a girl spotted the activity and how girls are better at this work ("boys don't have the same powers of concentration") than guys.

Yes, females tend to be better at boring, passive, visual activity ("powers of concentration") than males.

So what?

Why is THAT such a massive sign of progress for women and their society?

The REAL Heroines of Am Yisrael

The ability to engage in boring, passive activity and do it well (and not necessarily be so bored by it)?

That’s a big part of what makes women better mothers, better nursers of babies, and better nurturers of young children.

It's what enables us to watch our children play at a park and prevent accidents or spot unsavory people who shouldn't be there.

Attention mommies & babysitters: If you are supervising your children at the park while sitting on the bench and staring at them, YOU ARE A HERO (in Hashem's Eyes, which are the only Eyes that matter).

It's what allows you to listen to certain family members or people in your neighborhood who tend to drone on, giving them that listening ear they need. It's a big chessed.

But davka using our innate nature for military surveillance, THAT'S the only time it's considered oh-so laudatory & deserving of media publication?

Just As You Can't Defy Physical Physics Without Going "Splat" (like deciding to ignore gravity and walk off a cliff), You Can't Defy Spiritual Physics & Expect To Get Away With It

Though it is politically incorrect amid today’s slavish allegiance to egalitarianism, Judaism embraces tafkid.

And tafkid is a GOOD thing. It's an ELEVATING thing. It's a tool!

Just like even the most musically talented and trained Yisrael cannot perform the Levite service in the Beit Hamikdash, women and men are prohibited from crossing certain gender-defined boundaries.

A man receives no merit for wearing a long, wide skirt and 70-dinar stockings. Au contraire, he earns the aveirah of beged ishah.

On the other hand, a woman who wears such clothing earns tremendous blessing and both spiritual and physical protection, not just upon herself, but upon her family and the entire Am.

Likewise, a woman is the designated candle-lighter meant to usher in Shabbat.

Have you ever heard of a husband who said, “You know what, Genendel? My eye-hand coordination is superior to yours—I can light the Shabbas candles so much better than you. Furthermore, I can say the blessing with the kavanos of the Rashash! So step aside, sweetie, and allow me to perform licht-bentschen from now on!”?

Case in point: There have been many holy mekubalim throughout the ages, yet their wives always carried out the Shabbat candle-lighting (even though the mekubalim possessed the ability to make a bracha with mind-blowing kavanot).

Why?

Because according to God's spiritual physics, you davka NEED the FEMALE candle-lighter to perform this mitzvah (and this tikkun) properly.

Men can and should do this when there is no female to do so, but a husband or son cannot perform this mitzvah instead of his perfectly capable wife or mother.

Even going back to the Nevi’im—did any of them ever light Shabbat candles in place of their non-prophesying wife?

And flipping over to the other side of the coin, did female Prophetesses lay tefillin on behalf of their non-Prophet husband? (Meaning, he didn't need to lay tefillin that day because she did it for him? Why not? A Prophetess is so much more qualified than her non-Navi husband! But Hashem's spiritual physics don't allow for such cross-overs.)

Some things just can’t cross over.

Well, not without unwanted consequences, anyway.

What a Jewish army REALLY needs to focus on: Hashem's Avodah (and not giyus banot)

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Why Marrying Your Zivug Doesn't Necessarily Mean Living Happily Ever After

2/6/2019

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When encountering marital difficulties, it’s common for people to wonder whether they indeed married their zivug.

While we’re familiar with the Gemara Sotah 2b, which explains how 40 days before the creation of an embryo, a Bat Kol (Heavenly Voice) calls out: “The daughter of So-and-So to So-and-So,” it seems that many people feel they might have married the wrong person.

And then questions arise. (It is indeed a complex & paradoxical topic. For more, please see Insights into the Daily Daf: Zivug Rishon & Zivug Sheni.)

Yet friction and frustration doesn’t automatically mean you aren’t 2 halves of 1 whole.

Soul rectifications, spiritual growth, and middot play a huge part.

As a prominent Rebbe told Rebbetzin Heller, this is Olam Hatikkun—the World of Fixing.

(Please see What is the World of Tikkun? for that story.)

We’re here to repair & rectify things.

And what with past lives, flawed upbringings & corrupt environments, plus the flaws Hashem imbued within us for the sake of soul-polishing, we’ve got a lot to work on.

Finding the Man of Her Dreams - Literally

A friend of mine once told me of her time as a secular Jew. She faced her upcoming wedding to her long-term boyfriend (who I can’t remember if he was Jewish or not).

The night before the wedding, she dreamed of a man who was weeping.

All night long in her dream, he wept and wept. She saw his face clearly, but she didn’t know him.

Yet one thing she did know: He was weeping over her upcoming marriage. She was supposed to marry the weeping man in her dream, and not the man she was set to marry the next day.

She woke up feeling like she was about to make a big mistake. But cancelling a wedding on the day of? And she’d been sure of her fiancé.

So she decided to go speak with her mother about it.

Now, my friend never got along great with her mother. There was love, but also a lot of friction. Furthermore, my friend wasn’t so young at the time. It’s not like she was a fresh-off-the-farm 20-year-old. She was an independent woman with a successful life. She knew how to make her own decisions.

Yet she went to her mother anyway.

She said she never forgot how her mother responded through a cloud of cigarette smoke, waving her hands around and saying, “If you feel you shouldn’t marry him, then don’t! Don’t worry about what people will say. You have to follow your heart. If your heart tells you that this is a big mistake, then cancel the wedding. Call it off, don’t be afraid. You must follow your heart. This is a big decision and you must follow your heart!”

Her mother went on like this, much to the surprise of my friend, who said this response was uncharacteristic of her mother.

So she called off the wedding, which meant dealing with a lot of stress, appalled friends and family, and lots of crying by herself.

But at one point, she saw the man from her dream and recognized him. (I can’t remember how this played out.)

And they got married!

Talk about predestined zivugim!

But here’s the thing: They DIDN’T live happily ever after.

Predestined Problems?

In addition to coming from different countries, cultural backgrounds, and different mother-tongues, they have totally different personalities—and not in a way that’s so compatible.

Is there love and connection between them? Yes.

But it takes a lot of sorting through all the other stuff to get to those moments where they really connect on the soul level.

At one point, my friend got so fed up, she convinced her predestined zivug to accompany her to the Rabbanut and set up a heskem gerushim (a divorce agreement). This is not a divorce, but a document which can facilitate a smoother divorce should the couple eventually decide to actually go through with it.

Last I heard, they were still married and I don’t think they will actually get divorced.

But the point is this: This woman married the man of her dreams—literally!

And they STILL had major conflicts.

Based on the above, I don’t think there is any other conclusion to come to except that they really are each other’s zivug. Apparently, his soul sensed when she was about to marry someone else, and its grief and connection was so acute, it visited her soul in a dream.

In other words, their Bat Kol jumped into action once again to remind them of their pre-embryonic pronouncement.

But they still had shalom bayit problems!

There is so much more going on that we don’t know.

Frustrating Fact: Tikkun Often Overwhelms Harmony

And if we’re here to fix ourselves, it makes sense that one of our primary relationships in life will be a source of friction—in other words, a relationship that forces us to really go to work on our emuna.

It can also be a kaparah for faulty actions we’ve committed, whether in this life or a previous one.

Yes, there are couples who get along like 2 doves from the get-go, and remain like that throughout their marriage. For those couples, their tikkunim lie in other areas.

But for many couples, their marriage lies somewhere between a little bit of friction to a whole heck of a lot of friction.

And yes, it also seems that for some, Hashem decreed that their nisayon and tikkun is to get divorced and either stay divorced or remarry someone else and deal with the challenges of second marriage and maybe also blended families, etc.

But the lesson here is that marital difficulties and even serious personality conflicts don’t AUTOMATICALLY mean that the marriage isn’t bashert.

Shalom bayis problems (even unrelenting ones) don’t AUTOMATICALLY mean that you’re not married to your zivug.

It COULD mean that, but it doesn’t HAVE to mean that.

And that’s all.

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Rav Avigdor Miller on Parshat Metzora

11/4/2019

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As usual, Rav Miller's dvar Torah on Parshat Metzora: The Aristocratic Home (which, as always, could not come about without the efforts & permission of Toras Avigdor) is one long & vividly detailed list of gratitude -- this time, gratitude for the chessed of living in a house.

With vivid descriptions and bring-a-smile-to-your-face wit, Rav Miller brings house-appreciation to life: walls, roofs, indoor plumbing...it's all a wonderful gift!

Yet as always, Rav Miller remains balanced even within his gratitude (which is actually also a part of gratitude).

For example, upon caught in falling snow, Rav Miller's walking companion takes a gratitude-attitude toward the snow by declaring "Snow is like ice cream!"

It is. Add sugar and flavoring, and you've got a ready-made sno-cone.

Rav Miller approves of his companion's comment, yet makes the following observation:

“You are correct, that’s a wonderful idea - but ice cream in your ears is not comfortable.”

We appreciate the snow, but we appreciate umbrellas too! So we’ll stand on this side of the wall and we’ll enjoy the rain and snow and cold. Of course, we enjoy it; but we don’t have to dive into it.

Being caught unprepared in falling snow (especially if it's wet) has its positive aspects because everything Hashem does is for the best.

But we needn't lie to ourselves and pretend that something uncomfortable is comfortable.

And we can use that honest observation for even more gratitude:
Thank God we have a home to go to where we can enjoy the snow in a protected environment!

Home, Sweet Home!

And a shiur on the value of a home isn't complete without emphasizing that the home is the place where we should be on our best behavior, not our worst behavior.

(He presents the Telzer Rav's exemplary behavior at home as an example.)

And here's some practical advice to meet this lofty goal:

And therefore in a Jewish home it is of utmost importance to live up to the idea that we are bnei melachim [children of kings].

Before every move made in the home, they consult in their minds the model supplied by the awareness of their royalty; what they think royalty would do in such a case.

A man and woman in the home should always be thinking: “What are the royal manners and the aristocratic ideals that should reign in the Jewish home?”

Of course, we are all human beings and we can’t imagine that we will succeed in one fell swoop, but we have to always be aware of the perfection we are striving for.

And it is those homes where this is kept in mind always that will never have to be plagued by the warning and lessons of tzara’as.

He elaborates on this concept and how to fulfill this ideal at length, which gives me quite a lot of food for thought.

Raising Children to Love Judaism

But Rav Miller is always a realist.

He knows that the internalization of Jewish values doesn't happen in one go.

Chinuch is about a steady drip-drip-drip of Torah hashkafah against our hearts of stone.

Children don't respond as you'd wish.

But the seed of the idea has been planted.

As Rav Miller describes:

Sit down and talk for a couple of minutes about yomtiv [a Jewish holiday]; tell the children, “Let’s sing the song Atah Bichartanu, or a different niggun.”

And then say, suggest to them, “Kids, aren’t we having a good time, kinderlach?”

And they all chime in, “Yes. Now let’s go to the zoo!”

But that’s excellent - you accomplished your mission! Because those few minutes have laid a foundation.

Rav Miller went out of his way to make Jewish holidays and rituals exciting, not just for his own children, but for his grandchildren and even the neighbors' children.

Rav Miller's dvar Torah gives several examples, but my favorite is adding chocolate to the search for chametz Erev Pesach.

Tefillah: A Woman's True Tafkid

Rav Miller emphasizes the importance of women's prayers:

The home should be a place of tefillah and it is the mother who must present herself as the symbol of prayer, the model of tefilah for the Am Yisroel.

Now, she can’t stand and pray long prayers; she’s busy with a lot of things in the house.

But the mother must be a mother of prayer.

Our mothers always prayed a great deal; a Jewish mother should pray even more than a man prays...A Jewish mother in the home should be turning to Hashem all day long.

The old-time Jewish women had a handbook of prayers - prayers for everything, for every kind of eventuality. She would be praying for help in the home, that her supper should come out tasting delicious. Or for a child who is not well and for a child who is not going exactly on the straight path.

Today too, a mother prays constantly that the washing machine shouldn’t break down, that her husband should earn a livelihood, that he should find favor in the eyes of his boss and get a raise.

So besides the fact that immediately, the first thing in the morning when the children wake up, they hear, “Abba is davening in shul; Abba’s learning.”

The children are always asking, “Did Totty come back from shul yet?”

And the mother tells them, “Totty is in shul talking to Hashem; he’ll be home soon.”

That’s how the Jewish home starts out every day, but besides for that, the mother spends the rest of the day absorbed in speaking to Hashem about everything.

And here's some lost but precious advice:

In the olden days the Jewish mother actually was a symbol of prayer even more than the husband; it’s something that’s forgotten today but that is one of the greatest achievements in a Jewish home.

A Jewish mother should always be praying and the children who grow up with that know that their house is a home where Hashem resides.

The aristocratic Jewish home actually became a Beis Hamikdash.

What is the Worst Thing a Parent or Spouse Can Do?

And here is a key warning:

Complaining is one of the forms of breaking down a home.

Even if there is no quarrel between husband and wife and even if the children are behaving and are loyal, if there is a complaining person in the house – if the mother or father complain frequently – then the morale in the house is broken.

You cannot have a successful home, even a non-Jewish home, if there is complaining.

This really spoke to me because I knew a family that looks wonderful and everyone comments on how aidel and refined the parents are, and the kids all went to respected Yiddish schools that turn out solid chassidish alumni, yet 2 kids seem mostly off-the-derech. The mother is very calm and consistent and lives by emuna.

The parents seem to get along just fine.

Yet one boy goes without his kippah & smokes pot while his sister smokes cigarettes and wears jeans downtown at night.

Everyone was mystified that this couple has 2 children acting out in this manner.

Yet quite by accident, I overheard their father kvetching in such a pathetic whiny way to his wife. His wife tried to respond with pleasant grace, but he insisted on whining and then she just fixed her face into a smile without responding further, except for a pleasant repetition of: "Hmm. Well, I don't know. Mm. I don't know."

I was shocked because what was the father complaining about? An acquaintance had given him a big compliment, a big thank-you and verbal gesture of appreciation and honor. And the father was dissecting it for negativity. "What did he mean by that? But what did he say it like THAT? I mean, was he thinking this-or-this? What was it? But what did he mean exactly? I don't get it."

In addition to verbally pummeling his wife in this manner (she couldn't reassure him enough and the husband irrationally refused to accept her logical and true interpretation of the complimentary words), it's intolerable to live with a person who cannot deal with even the most positive behavior without shredding it apart for negativity.

Such people can suck out any vitality or meaning to life.

Success Needs Planning

This isn't the end of the dvar Torah, but I'll just end the post with a final quote from Rav Miller:

But to be a success, needs planning.

And don’t think it’s not going to repay you.

The happiness, the satisfaction of a successful day in the house is a reward without end.

It’s a reward in this world and it’s a reward forever and ever in Olam Haba.

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