"Instead of stinging nettle, myrtle will rise" (Isaiah 55:13)
 "Instead of evil, good will rise." (The Malbim's Interpretation)
Myrtle Rising
  • Blog
  • Comments Disabled
    • Privacy Policy
  • Aliyah
    • Mini-Intro
    • General Cultural Insights
    • School Tips
  • Kli Yakar Index
  • Most Popular
  • Contact

Death by a Thousand Cuts: Talking to God about Emotional Abuse

3/9/2017

0 Comments

 
​Years ago, I experienced a friendship that grew increasingly dysfunctional.

Because the behavior was executed passive-aggressively (and often comically so that it could be written off as "just kidding!") and increased so gradually, it wasn’t obvious for a long time.

And it took me even longer to realize that she was often aware of her behavior and meant to be insulting. (Also, I just thought the problem was me, that I was being too sensitive or getting too upset about routine annoyances in life—a belief which she subtly encouraged.)

She would also kick me when I was already down, something I find particularly hard to forgive in anybody.

At one point, I called a rav to ask him about the halachot of telling people to stop a problematic behavior. I knew you're supposed to be careful not to embarrass them or be too harsh, but I wanted to know if I was missing something because I wanted to put an end to the dynamic, but I wanted to do it according to halachah.

To my shock, the rav told me to gradually stop speaking with her. Not in a mean way, but just make myself unavailable: not call her anymore, not answer the phone every time she calls, keep any conversation with her very short, etc.

He said something like, "She doesn't really like you. She's not interested in being friends with you."

At first, that hurt me and I tried to defend myself by explaining how nice I was trying to be to her, but he quickly explained that he reached this conclusion based on her behavior:

If you like someone, you don't treat them the way she was treating me.

Period.

Whether I deserve it or not, whether I'm likable or not, is a separate issue.

He pointed out that I had already tried to adjust my behavior and she still treated me the same way.

Therefore, she does not like me. She does not want to be friends with me.


So why should I interact with someone who does not like me?

This might sound obvious or petty now, but I was younger then. Plus, every shiur I'd ever heard about dealing with others stressed the importance of maintaining connections with people, including really difficult people.

Socially, this is also encouraged.

Rejection is bad! Connection & unconditional love & giving the benefit of the doubt is the only way to go!

So I couldn't bring myself to follow the rav's recommendations, a refusal I later regretted. 

Instead, I decided to be more assertive, write her a letter explaining my feelings, and be a listener rather than a talker.

Yet as is common with consistently dysfunctional people, being assertive or compassionate or passive didn’t help at all.

In other words, it doesn't matter how you behave; they will still get you some how. 


So for example, being assertive was met with a strange response that I still don't understand.

If I would say nicely, "Why did you label me as [negative label]?" or "Why are you blaming me for what happened when I clearly told you I tried to physically exit the situation, but literally could not?", my question would be met with total silence.


No casual, "Oh, sorry, didn't mean it like that, didn't realize, sorry", no "What do you mean?", nothing. Just an amused silence.

​Or she would suddenly need to get off the phone.


She was taking Prozac, which I understand causes emotional blunting, but despite reading up on it, I still don't know all the ins and outs of it.

​Does Prozac mean she is incapable of understanding how her behavior is affecting others?

Does Prozac mean she cannot comprehend and therefore cannot answer a direct question?

Does Prozac mean that she honestly doesn't realize that calling people names or crowing accusations at them is inappropriate?

I honestly can't figure out how she was experiencing things from her side.

So I simply stopped answering the phone when she called and basically cut off all contact. (Yes, I tried other things first.)

At one point, she sent me what she clearly thought was a very nice note; it showed great understanding of difficulties I might be struggling with, yet it clearly never occurred to her that certain aspects of 
her behavior might be the problem.

In other words, she blamed my distance on my own issues, not her increasingly problematic behaviors.


If you’re thinking that it's kind of pathetic to keep up with such a person for so long, I actually agree that it was kind of pathetic.

But I meant well.

It happened because of all the shiurim I’d heard and books I’d read exhorting the vital importance of maintaining a connection to fellow Jews, even if they’re very difficult or unpleasant. Often other friends, who listen to the same shiurim and read the same books, also encourage you on this path.

I’d gotten the impression that if I didn’t do this, then it was like I was preventing Mashiach from coming.

The thing is, this “Connection, connection, connection!” hashkafah ignores pages of Torah literature like Kli Yakar, Orchot Tzaddikim, Pele Yoetz, Pirke Avot, and more that exhorts you to avoid people who consistently act against halacha due to the bad influence they’ll eventually exert over you.

And indeed, I saw this happening in myself.

So I finally put a stop to it.

Abusive behavior is against halacha.

(However, you can have what Miriam Adahan calls "a neshamah connection" and pray for that person instead of dealing with him or her directly.)

The very first chapter of Tehillim clearly states that a praiseworthy man does not follow the advice of reshaim (intentional sinners), does not stand in the same way as chataim (unintentional sinners), and does not sit with leitzim (scoffers, mockers, people who like to shoot the wind).

​Orchot Tzaddikim & Pele Yoetz also stress the importance of being friends with those of good middot and staying away from those with bad middot.

No one is perfect, but some people are working on themselves and some people are not.

Neshamah Connection When a Direct Connect Simply isn't Feasible

Anyway, despite her increasingly intolerable behavior, I couldn't help sympathizing with the trauma she'd experienced in her life.

Also, I knew that she’d never really had anyone who truly cared about her. (Well, maybe just the family housekeeper and only when she was very young.)

I also knew that her marriage was very unhappy (although I do not think she's totally blameless for the unhappiness) and she also faces other difficulties in her life too.

So it was easy to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Yet despite what the Pollyanna-proponents would have you believe, giving her the benefit of the doubt did not help me avoid the consequences of her negative behavior; the hurtful barbs she shot my way still hurt.

However, when I davened for her, I could feel a lot of compassion and warmth that I couldn’t feel when directly under attack from her. 
 
And whenever I asked Hashem how to relate to her, the message was:
“Be kind” and “Keep davening for her.”

But neither means that I needed to maintain a direct relationship with her.
 
"Be kind" I assumed means not to retaliate or match her mistreatment, or carry out any form of revenge. Fine. So I kept davening. I don’t know if it’s helping her, but I definitely feel genuine compassion toward her and don’t feel nearly as irritated when I do think about her.
 
Finally, I got a message in hitbodedut to contact her and briefly and emotionally explain why I’d cut off contact with her.
 
Her response told me that some of what I thought were passive-aggressive jabs on her part was actually the result of her warped value system.

​Meaning, behavior that Judaism considers unkind was considered neutral or acceptable by her and she honestly didn’t realize it was wrong. So I was feeling insulted by the way she perceived me, but she didn't see it as an insult because she thought it was okay.

Therefore, I got some insight into what was motivating her problematic behavior.

However, it's a problem to regularly associate with people who embrace anti-Torah viewpoints (even if they consider themselves frum), especially when they refuse to listen and especially if they're constantly forcing their warped attitude on you.

I didn't make this up. Many Torah sources exhort us to distance ourselves from people who sin continuously with no remorse.

​While we tend to think of this in regards of mitzvot between Man and God (like Shabbat, kashrut, etc), there are prohibitions & mitzvot between people that are equally important like:
  • the mitzvah to give tzedakah
  • the mitzvah to judge another person favorably
  • the prohibition against verbal abuse (ona'at devarim)
  • the prohibition against humiliating another person
  • the prohibition against slandering or rumor-mongering

And so on.
 
This kind of thing can get incredibly petty and nitpicky, dragging you down into pettiness too.

When I talk to Hashem, I ask about really important things, but also seemingly petty stuff too.
 
Because of how profoundly Hashem cherishes us, even the small stuff is okay to discuss with Him.
 
In fact, much of the reason why Hashem throws petty stuff our way is because He wants us to talk to Him about it.
Picture
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Privacy Policy

    Picture
    Please note this is an affiliate link. Meaning, I get a small cut but at NO extra cost to you. If you use it, I'm grateful. If not, you still get a giant mitzvah connected to Eretz Yisrael.


    Feedburner subscription no longer in operation. Sorry!

    Myrtle Rising

    I'm a middle-aged housewife and mother in Eretz Yisrael who likes to read and write a lot.


    Picture
    Sample Chapters

    Categories

    All
    Aliyah
    Anti Jewish Bigotry
    Anti-jewish-bigotry
    Astronomy
    Book Review
    Books
    Chagim/Holidays
    Chinuch
    Coronavirus
    Dictionaries
    Emuna
    Eretz Yisrael
    Erev Rav
    Gender
    Hitbodedut
    "If The Torah..."
    Jewish Astrology
    Kav Hayashar
    Kli Yakar
    Lashon Hara
    Love
    Me'am Loez
    Minchat Yehudah
    Mishlei/Proverbs
    Netivot Shalom
    Parenting
    Parsha
    Pele Yoetz
    Perek Shira
    Pesach
    Politics
    Prayer
    Purim
    Rav Avigdor Miller
    Rav Itamar Schwartz
    Rav L.Y. Bender
    Recipes
    "Regular" Jews
    Rosh Hashanah
    Society
    Sukkot
    Tammuz
    Technology
    Tehillim/Psalms
    Teshuvah
    The Lost Princess
    Tisha B'Av
    USA Scary Direction
    Women
    Yom Kippur

    Jewish Blogs

    Daf Yomi Review
    Derech Emet
    Going...Habayitah
    Halacha Q&A
    Hava haAharona
    Miriam Adahan
    My Perspective

    Shirat Devorah
    Tomer Devorah
    Toras Avigdor
    True Tzaddikim
    Tznius Blog

    Yeranen Yaakov
    Rabbi Ofer Erez (Hebrew lectures)

    Jewish Current Events

    Hamodia
    Sultan Knish
    Tomer Devorah
    Yeranen Yaakov

    Jewish Health

    People Smarts

    Archives

    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015

    RSS Feed

    Copyright Notice

    ©2015-2022 Myrtle Rising
    Excerpts and links may be used without express permission as long as a link is provided back to the appropriate Myrtle Rising page.

Home/Blog

Most Popular

Kli Yakar in English

Aliyah

Contact

Copyright © 2023
Photos used under Creative Commons from Brett Jordan, BAMCorp, Terrazzo, Abode of Chaos, Michele Dorsey Walfred, marklordphotography, M.Burak Erbaş, torbakhopper, jhritz, Rina Pitucci (Tilling 67), Svadilfari, kum111, Tim simpson1, FindYourSearch, Giorgio Galeotti, ChrisYunker, Jaykhuang, YourCastlesDecor, bluebirdsandteapots, Natalia Medd, Stefans02, Israel_photo_gallery, Commander, U.S. 7th Fleet, BradPerkins, zeevveez, dfarrell07, h.koppdelaney, Edgardo W. Olivera, nafrenkel88, zeevveez, mtchlra, Liz | populational, TraumaAndDissociation, thinboyfatter, garofalo.christina, skpy, Free Grunge Textures - www.freestock.ca, Nerru, Gregory "Slobirdr" Smith, trendingtopics, dolbinator1000, DonkeyHotey, zeevveez, erix!, zeevveez, h.koppdelaney, MAURO CATEB, kevin dooley, keepitsurreal, annikaleigh, bjornmeansbear, publicdomainphotography, Leonard J Matthews, Exile on Ontario St, Nicholas_T, marcoverch, planman, PhilWolff, j_lai, t.kunikuni, zeevveez, Ian W Scott, Brett Jordan, RonAlmog, Bob Linsdell, NASA Goddard Photo and Video, aaron_anderer, ** RCB **, Tony Webster, mypubliclands, AntonStetner, Zachi Evenor, MrJamesBaker, sammydavisdog, Frode Ramone, Wonder woman0731, wrachele, kennethkonica, Skall_Edit, Pleuntje, Rennett Stowe, *S A N D E E P*, symphony of love, AlexanderJonesi, Arya Ziai, ePublicist, Enokson, Tony Webster, Art4TheGlryOfGod, seaternity, Andrew Tarvin, zeevveez, Israel_photo_gallery, Iqbal Osman1, Matt From London, Tribes of the World, Eric Kilby, miracle design, RonAlmog, slgckgc, Kim Scarborough, DonkeyHotey, Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com, h.koppdelaney, gleonhard, Pedro Travassos, nociveglia, RonAlmog, Israel_photo_gallery, Septemia, Paulann_Egelhoff, Tatiana12, MAD Hippies Life, Neta Bartal, milesgehm, shooting brooklyn, RonAlmog, smilygrl, gospelportals, leighblackall, symensphotographie, zeevveez, Kyknoord, wotashot (taking a break), Tambako the Jaguar, bitmask, Arnie Sacknooson, mattymatt, Rob Swystun, zeevveez, Dun.can, Tim Patterson, timeflicks, garlandcannon, HRYMX, fred_v, Yair Aronshtam, zeevveez, Ron Cogswell, FindYourSearch, Israel_photo_gallery, Serendipity Diamonds, zeevveez, Steve Corey, Dominic's pics, leighklotz, Stefans02, dannyman, RonAlmog, Stephen O, RonAlmog, Tips For Travellers, Futurilla, anomalous4, Bob Linsdell, AndyMcLemore, symphony of love, andydr, sara~, Gamma Man, Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com, robef, European Southern Observatory, Brett Jordan, Johnny Silvercloud, Israel_photo_gallery, smkybear, --Sam--, Paulann_Egelhoff, Selena Sheridan, D'oh Boy, campbelj45ca, 19melissa68, entirelysubjective, Leimenide, dheera.net, Brett Jordan, HonestReporting.com, Iqbal Osman1, One Way Stock, Jake Waage, picto:graphic, Marcelo Alves, KAZVorpal, Sparkle Motion, Brett Jordan, Ambernectar 13, Howdy, I'm H. Michael Karshis, Steven DuBois, Cristian V., tortuga767, Jake Cvnningham, D'oh Boy, Eric Kilby, quinn.anya, Lenny K Photography, One Way Stock, Bird Eye, ell brown, Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com, Kevin M. Gill, lunar caustic, gerrybuckel, quinn.anya, Kaz Andrew, kodomut, kayugee, jintae kim's photography, Futurilla, terri_bateman, Patty Mooney, Amydeanne, Paulann_Egelhoff, Mulling it Over, Ungry Young Man, Ruth and Dave, yangouyang374, symphony of love, kennethkonica, young@art, Brett Jordan, slgckgc, Celestine Chua, rkimpeljr, Kristoffer Trolle, TooFarNorth, D'oh Boy, Grace to You, LittleStuff.me, Kevin M. Gill, philozopher, traveltipy.com, Alan Cleaver, crazyoctopus, d_vdm, tonynetone, penjelly, TheToch, JohnE777, hello-julie, DaveBleasdale, Michael Candelori Photography, andessurvivor, slgckgc, byzantiumbooks, sasha diamanti