Toras Avigdor has put together a powerful PDF of Rav Avigdor Miller's transcripted lectures on motherhood:
https://torasavigdor.org/building-worlds/
Rav Miller speaks from the heart and it's clear he possessed profound appreciation for the role of the Jewish mother.
And he doesn't focus only on the ones society admires (i.e., the Stunning Do-It-All Superwoman).
He speaks so compellingly about ALL frum Jewish mothers; every frum Jewish mother is a heroine.
For what it's worth, I feel that reading Rav Miller's words on the topic can inspire you to appreciate not only yourself (if you are a mother), but also inspire fondness & appreciation for all our fellow frum Jewish mothers.
I think men can also benefit from Rav Miller's point of view because it helps to appreciate the roles of one's own wife or mother (and grandmothers!), plus enables a father to provide his daughter with the best hashkafah regarding her role as a frum Jewish mother, whether it's in her future or whether she's up to her ears in it now.
But to digress a bit, several paragraphs jumped out at me (pages 10-12, boldface emphasis my own addition):
https://torasavigdor.org/building-worlds/
Rav Miller speaks from the heart and it's clear he possessed profound appreciation for the role of the Jewish mother.
And he doesn't focus only on the ones society admires (i.e., the Stunning Do-It-All Superwoman).
He speaks so compellingly about ALL frum Jewish mothers; every frum Jewish mother is a heroine.
For what it's worth, I feel that reading Rav Miller's words on the topic can inspire you to appreciate not only yourself (if you are a mother), but also inspire fondness & appreciation for all our fellow frum Jewish mothers.
I think men can also benefit from Rav Miller's point of view because it helps to appreciate the roles of one's own wife or mother (and grandmothers!), plus enables a father to provide his daughter with the best hashkafah regarding her role as a frum Jewish mother, whether it's in her future or whether she's up to her ears in it now.
But to digress a bit, several paragraphs jumped out at me (pages 10-12, boldface emphasis my own addition):
Every child is an achievement for the Am Yisroel.
If you’re a Jewish mother, you made our people a better people and the Am Yisroel is grateful to you for bringing so much beauty into our people.
Because what are parents doing?
They are planting various kinds of trees and plants in the world.
The world can’t have just one kind of tree and plant. Roses are beautiful but it’s not enough. To have only violets? It’s not enough.
You need various flowers; roses and violets and lilies, everything else – all kinds of plants.
The variety adds beauty and pleasure to this world; every different plant is a different benefit for the world.
Fruit too; you need apples and oranges and bananas and dates and figs. You eat everything and each one has its own sweetness.
The sweetness of apricots is not like the sweetness of an apple. And the sweetness of an apple is not like the sweetness of an orange. And grapes are different and pears are different.
*
And therefore, when parents have children, they’re putting into the world people of different natures and that means they’re walking in the ways of Hakodosh Boruch Hu.
*
And it’s a pleasure to see all of them – we need all of them!
What a great achievement it is!
Let’s say a man comes here to the lecture and brings all of his sons. Let’s say he brings five or six sons. It’s remarkable how different they are. It’s a remarkable thing; from the same parents the children are so entirely different.
This one is fat and jolly. This one is skinny and serious. That’s a true case I’m talking about – a family I know. One of the little boys has a face like a businessman – like an adult already.
Everybody is different! From the same parents! It’s a neis [miracle]!
It’s a pleasure to have skinny serious people, skinny serious Jews – it’s very important to have them.
Fat jolly Jews – it’s a pleasure to have them.
Business-like Jews – it’s a pleasure to have them.
Each one is a pleasure, no question about it.
The freiliche [cheerful] Jews and the serious Jews and the business-like Jews, all of them are necessary.
*
Also the women. One daughter is like this, another daughter is like this.
One daughter is quiet and obedient. Another daughter is a little freilach and mischievous, a lebideger [lively one].
Another daughter is stubborn.
They’re not robots that you program – each one is a world unto herself.
But you’d be surprised; you need them all.
They’re so different one from each other but each one uses her middos in a way that serves Hakodosh Boruch Hu.
The idea running through these paragraphs is so important, particularly in light of Rav Itamar Schwartz's emphasis on how Hashem sent covid-19 into the world partly because we lost our grasp on what he calls "holy individuality." (source)
Despite its reputation to the contrary, Judaism is the anti-robot religion.
And yet...
When our children behave according to their God-given natures...
...and when that particular God-given nature doesn't fit into cultural or social ideals...
...we parents can feel very, very bad about that.
Yes, we need to mechanech (train & educate) our children. Unbridled freilichkeit turns into insensitivity & driving others crazy with irresponsible behavior. Unrefined seriousness turns also turns into insensitivity via snubs & general disregard for the needs of others.
But here, one of the biggest talmidei chachamim to ever grace the American continent (and a man who does not hesitate to tell us the truth, regardless of how palatable or unpalatable) states that our children's individuality — including the more challenging or socially unappreciated aspects of their individuality — is NECESSARY.
An ACHIEVEMENT, states Rav Miller.
We tend to think of achievements as actions that earn wild applause & golden trophies & headlines. Or impressive certificates & accolades.
Conventionally speaking, achievements garner big salaries & major recognition, plus honors, magazine interviews, appearances on popular talk shows, and lots of followers on social media.
But no, says Rav Miller.
A mischievous child, a hyper child, an introverted child — THESE are achievements.
Forget the trophies, the applause, the certificates with pretty calligraphy, the big money, and the spotlight.
Those aren't real achievements, according to the Torah.
Most tellingly, Rav Miller listed traits that many parents find challenging.
(And yes, serious children also challenge adults because these serious ones can take life annoyingly seriously, not smile when adults expect them to, and in general not respond in the way adults & other children consider polite & proper.)
So according to this exceptionally knowledgeable Torah scholar, the very children who embarrass their parents by acting up, blurting out all sorts of nonsense or tactlessness, or not smiling engagingly or not responding as expected out of shyness or insecurity — THEY are necessary! We need them!
The fact that they need chinuch does NOT imply a fault within their innate nature.
They add beauty to the world.
Not just the obviously charming, well-spoken, well-groomed & well-behaved children, but ALL children.
Your child that drives you the craziest & garners the most phone calls from exasperated teachers — THIS child is equally an achievement & a necessity & a thing of beauty.
And YOU were also once a child...a necessary, needed neshamah — an achievement who adds beauty to the world.
And you still are.
Despite its reputation to the contrary, Judaism is the anti-robot religion.
And yet...
When our children behave according to their God-given natures...
...and when that particular God-given nature doesn't fit into cultural or social ideals...
...we parents can feel very, very bad about that.
Yes, we need to mechanech (train & educate) our children. Unbridled freilichkeit turns into insensitivity & driving others crazy with irresponsible behavior. Unrefined seriousness turns also turns into insensitivity via snubs & general disregard for the needs of others.
But here, one of the biggest talmidei chachamim to ever grace the American continent (and a man who does not hesitate to tell us the truth, regardless of how palatable or unpalatable) states that our children's individuality — including the more challenging or socially unappreciated aspects of their individuality — is NECESSARY.
An ACHIEVEMENT, states Rav Miller.
We tend to think of achievements as actions that earn wild applause & golden trophies & headlines. Or impressive certificates & accolades.
Conventionally speaking, achievements garner big salaries & major recognition, plus honors, magazine interviews, appearances on popular talk shows, and lots of followers on social media.
But no, says Rav Miller.
A mischievous child, a hyper child, an introverted child — THESE are achievements.
Forget the trophies, the applause, the certificates with pretty calligraphy, the big money, and the spotlight.
Those aren't real achievements, according to the Torah.
Most tellingly, Rav Miller listed traits that many parents find challenging.
(And yes, serious children also challenge adults because these serious ones can take life annoyingly seriously, not smile when adults expect them to, and in general not respond in the way adults & other children consider polite & proper.)
So according to this exceptionally knowledgeable Torah scholar, the very children who embarrass their parents by acting up, blurting out all sorts of nonsense or tactlessness, or not smiling engagingly or not responding as expected out of shyness or insecurity — THEY are necessary! We need them!
The fact that they need chinuch does NOT imply a fault within their innate nature.
They add beauty to the world.
Not just the obviously charming, well-spoken, well-groomed & well-behaved children, but ALL children.
Your child that drives you the craziest & garners the most phone calls from exasperated teachers — THIS child is equally an achievement & a necessity & a thing of beauty.
And YOU were also once a child...a necessary, needed neshamah — an achievement who adds beauty to the world.
And you still are.
A metaphorical portrait of our children.
Quotes & material used with the generous permission of Toras Avigdor.
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