"Instead of stinging nettle, myrtle will rise" (Isaiah 55:13)
 "Instead of evil, good will rise." (The Malbim's Interpretation)
Myrtle Rising
  • Blog
  • Comments Disabled
    • Privacy Policy
  • Aliyah
    • Mini-Intro
    • General Cultural Insights
    • School Tips
  • Kli Yakar Index
  • Most Popular
  • Contact

Living under the Influence - What Rav Avigdor Miller Teaches us from Behar & Bechukotai

24/5/2019

2 Comments

 
​The only dvar Torah from Rav Avigdor Miller available at this moment for Parshat Bechukotai is from last year, when Bechukotai and Behar were together in a non-leap year.

It's here:
Parshas Behar Bechukosai – Living Among the Best

​But the main lesson is prime.
 
It emphasizes the importance of surrounding yourself with the right kind of people and placing yourself in the right kind of environment.
 
The Rambam mentions this as a fact of human nature.

Polishing a Shmutzy Soul

When I first started keeping Shabbos (in 12th grade), there was a certain amount of social clumsiness because what was acceptable in secular culture was not necessarily acceptable in among the frum people with whom I spent Shabbos.

Initially, I found myself in a predominantly modern Orthodox community, where they have absorbed a lot more of the surrounding culture.

Nonetheless, I still found myself on the wrong side of social norms at times.

Fortunately, people were mostly nice. The modern Orthodox girls my age mostly flowed with me, understanding where I was coming from and that any blips weren't intentional.
 
But I still picked up on a good-natured smile or laugh over something I did or said. An awkward or embarrassed or a “Let’s all pretend we didn’t notice what she just said or did…dum de dum de dum…” pause in the conversation.

Sometimes, someone even chose to confront me directly—in a very friendly, understanding, and gentle way.
 
And it was really good.

Yes, it was uncomfortable at times. Yes, I got fed up with the friction of something acceptable or even admired in secular society being looked down on in frum society.
 
But it was really good because I needed to change.
 
Later, I went for my year in Israel among the dati-leumi, and then later, I attended a charedi seminary for baalot teshuvah. There, they could explain a lot of stuff and what was acceptable, what wasn’t, and WHY.
 
Despite propaganda (and a few wonky examples) to the contrary, many frum people are much more patient, understanding, and tolerant than anyone else (would be in the reverse situation).

Why "Just Kidding!" Still isn't Okay

Another example:
In the secular American society of my childhood, it was perfectly acceptable to complain about your child while your child was standing right there—as long as you did so in a joking manner, of course.

I saw this repeatedly and never thought anything of it because it was so normal.

It was like how you get zits on your face or braces or other uncomfortable aspects of youth. Not pleasant, but normal and not much to do about it anyway, except get through it and outgrow it.
 
(FYI: Contrary to halacha, you can get away with a lot of nasty, abusive, hurtful behavior in America as long as you are “just kidding!” or insert just the right smiley emoticon at the end of your onslaught. All the more so, with behavior like the above which is “merely” uncomfortable or "somewhat" embarrassing.)
 
Anyway, people did this regularly to their children, include their teens, putting them in an awkward situation where they either needed to just take the humiliation and public lashon hara—which is hard to do gracefully.

Some teens just smiled ruefully. Others looked unhappy (at which point adults labeled them “sullen” or “hormonal”). And less often, the teens got angry or talked back in some way or stormed off, at which point the adults labeled them as “having a bad attitude” or suffering from “hormones” or whatever.
 
In contrast, I quickly learned that with many charedi mothers, complaining anywhere near your child—even a 2-year-old & even if you’re joking—is met with discomfort. Furthermore, complaining about your young child (even jokingly) in a group situation (like at the park) even when your child is out of earshot, is not acceptable either.
 
The truth is that many secular Israeli mothers also display caution with how they speak about and around their children.
 
Yes, charedi mothers might complain generally about how difficult bedtime is or how hard it is to clean up, but they won’t get specific about one child—not in a group situation. Privately between friends? Yes. Maybe. It depends. But in a group? No.
 
And they are absolutely right.
 
Why should you ruin your child’s reputation?
 
Why do you need to publicize their issues or anything they might find embarrassing later?
 
Children have a right to change, mature, and outgrow problematic behaviors—just like adults do.
 
And why should anyone have stuck in their mind any particularly unpleasant behaviors your child engaged in at the age of 5?
 
There’s an unconscious influence, whether anyone wants it or not.

Getting Comfortable with Good Influences

Anyway, there are many things to learn from being around the right types of people.

​Some people are more refined, work on their middot more, dress & behave with more dignity, are more careful about lashon hara, cultivate a sense of humor about life (without jeering and sarcasm), and so on.
 
And if you can handle the initial discomfort if you aren’t yet like them, then you can find yourself changing for the better almost automatically.

And if you are already like them, then sticking together will reinforce & strengthen your goodness. (Plus, there is safety in numbers.)
 
Finally, it’s important to remember that humbling experiences are better for us than we usually realize.

Growth is rarely comfortable.

​But it is definitely worth it.

Related link:
What's Stopping You from Making Real Change?
Picture
2 Comments
Hava link
27/5/2019 10:25:23

Shalom Myrtle...thanks so much for your great advice on relating to children with consideration for their feelings!

Speaking not only from experience, but also from experiencing others' trials and tribulations, which come out through the channel of their behavior...often specifically about lashon hara spoken in front of them, as though they weren't there. Is this any way to inspire Kibud Av v'Em?

Reply
Myrtle Rising
27/5/2019 10:50:12

Hi,, Hava,

Yes, I definitely think it can inspire kibud av v'em.

Basically, the parents are showing themselves to be trustworthy. And trust is a huge component in the parent-child relationship. I think trust also leads to gratitude on the child's part, which definitely enhances their respect for their parents.

Of course, there are always other factors, but this is a big one, I think.

Thanks, Hava!

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Privacy Policy

    Picture
    Please note this is an affiliate link. Meaning, I get a small cut but at NO extra cost to you. If you use it, I'm grateful. If not, you still get a giant mitzvah connected to Eretz Yisrael.


    Feedburner subscription no longer in operation. Sorry!

    Myrtle Rising

    I'm a middle-aged housewife and mother in Eretz Yisrael who likes to read and write a lot.


    Picture
    Sample Chapters

    Categories

    All
    Aliyah
    Anti Jewish Bigotry
    Anti-jewish-bigotry
    Astronomy
    Book Review
    Books
    Chagim/Holidays
    Chinuch
    Coronavirus
    Dictionaries
    Emuna
    Eretz Yisrael
    Erev Rav
    Gender
    Hitbodedut
    "If The Torah..."
    Jewish Astrology
    Kav Hayashar
    Kli Yakar
    Lashon Hara
    Love
    Me'am Loez
    Minchat Yehudah
    Mishlei/Proverbs
    Netivot Shalom
    Parenting
    Parsha
    Pele Yoetz
    Perek Shira
    Pesach
    Politics
    Prayer
    Purim
    Rav Avigdor Miller
    Rav Itamar Schwartz
    Rav L.Y. Bender
    Recipes
    "Regular" Jews
    Rosh Hashanah
    Society
    Sukkot
    Tammuz
    Technology
    Tehillim/Psalms
    Teshuvah
    The Lost Princess
    Tisha B'Av
    USA Scary Direction
    Women
    Yom Kippur

    Jewish Blogs

    Daf Yomi Review
    Derech Emet
    Going...Habayitah
    Halacha Q&A
    Hava haAharona
    Miriam Adahan
    My Perspective

    Shirat Devorah
    Tomer Devorah
    Toras Avigdor
    True Tzaddikim
    Tznius Blog

    Yeranen Yaakov
    Rabbi Ofer Erez (Hebrew lectures)

    Jewish Current Events

    Hamodia
    Sultan Knish
    Tomer Devorah
    Yeranen Yaakov

    Jewish Health

    People Smarts

    Archives

    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015

    RSS Feed

    Copyright Notice

    ©2015-2022 Myrtle Rising
    Excerpts and links may be used without express permission as long as a link is provided back to the appropriate Myrtle Rising page.

Home/Blog

Most Popular

Kli Yakar in English

Aliyah

Contact

Copyright © 2023
Photos used under Creative Commons from Brett Jordan, BAMCorp, Terrazzo, Abode of Chaos, Michele Dorsey Walfred, marklordphotography, M.Burak Erbaş, torbakhopper, jhritz, Rina Pitucci (Tilling 67), Svadilfari, kum111, Tim simpson1, FindYourSearch, Giorgio Galeotti, ChrisYunker, Jaykhuang, YourCastlesDecor, bluebirdsandteapots, Natalia Medd, Stefans02, Israel_photo_gallery, Commander, U.S. 7th Fleet, BradPerkins, zeevveez, dfarrell07, h.koppdelaney, Edgardo W. Olivera, nafrenkel88, zeevveez, mtchlra, Liz | populational, TraumaAndDissociation, thinboyfatter, garofalo.christina, skpy, Free Grunge Textures - www.freestock.ca, Nerru, Gregory "Slobirdr" Smith, trendingtopics, dolbinator1000, DonkeyHotey, zeevveez, erix!, zeevveez, h.koppdelaney, MAURO CATEB, kevin dooley, keepitsurreal, annikaleigh, bjornmeansbear, publicdomainphotography, Leonard J Matthews, Exile on Ontario St, Nicholas_T, marcoverch, planman, PhilWolff, j_lai, t.kunikuni, zeevveez, Ian W Scott, Brett Jordan, RonAlmog, Bob Linsdell, NASA Goddard Photo and Video, aaron_anderer, ** RCB **, Tony Webster, mypubliclands, AntonStetner, Zachi Evenor, MrJamesBaker, sammydavisdog, Frode Ramone, Wonder woman0731, wrachele, kennethkonica, Skall_Edit, Pleuntje, Rennett Stowe, *S A N D E E P*, symphony of love, AlexanderJonesi, Arya Ziai, ePublicist, Enokson, Tony Webster, Art4TheGlryOfGod, seaternity, Andrew Tarvin, zeevveez, Israel_photo_gallery, Iqbal Osman1, Matt From London, Tribes of the World, Eric Kilby, miracle design, RonAlmog, slgckgc, Kim Scarborough, DonkeyHotey, Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com, h.koppdelaney, gleonhard, Pedro Travassos, nociveglia, RonAlmog, Israel_photo_gallery, Septemia, Paulann_Egelhoff, Tatiana12, MAD Hippies Life, Neta Bartal, milesgehm, shooting brooklyn, RonAlmog, smilygrl, gospelportals, leighblackall, symensphotographie, zeevveez, Kyknoord, wotashot (taking a break), Tambako the Jaguar, bitmask, Arnie Sacknooson, mattymatt, Rob Swystun, zeevveez, Dun.can, Tim Patterson, timeflicks, garlandcannon, HRYMX, fred_v, Yair Aronshtam, zeevveez, Ron Cogswell, FindYourSearch, Israel_photo_gallery, Serendipity Diamonds, zeevveez, Steve Corey, Dominic's pics, leighklotz, Stefans02, dannyman, RonAlmog, Stephen O, RonAlmog, Tips For Travellers, Futurilla, anomalous4, Bob Linsdell, AndyMcLemore, symphony of love, andydr, sara~, Gamma Man, Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com, robef, European Southern Observatory, Brett Jordan, Johnny Silvercloud, Israel_photo_gallery, smkybear, --Sam--, Paulann_Egelhoff, Selena Sheridan, D'oh Boy, campbelj45ca, 19melissa68, entirelysubjective, Leimenide, dheera.net, Brett Jordan, HonestReporting.com, Iqbal Osman1, One Way Stock, Jake Waage, picto:graphic, Marcelo Alves, KAZVorpal, Sparkle Motion, Brett Jordan, Ambernectar 13, Howdy, I'm H. Michael Karshis, Steven DuBois, Cristian V., tortuga767, Jake Cvnningham, D'oh Boy, Eric Kilby, quinn.anya, Lenny K Photography, One Way Stock, Bird Eye, ell brown, Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com, Kevin M. Gill, lunar caustic, gerrybuckel, quinn.anya, Kaz Andrew, kodomut, kayugee, jintae kim's photography, Futurilla, terri_bateman, Patty Mooney, Amydeanne, Paulann_Egelhoff, Mulling it Over, Ungry Young Man, Ruth and Dave, yangouyang374, symphony of love, kennethkonica, young@art, Brett Jordan, slgckgc, Celestine Chua, rkimpeljr, Kristoffer Trolle, TooFarNorth, D'oh Boy, Grace to You, LittleStuff.me, Kevin M. Gill, philozopher, traveltipy.com, Alan Cleaver, crazyoctopus, d_vdm, tonynetone, penjelly, TheToch, JohnE777, hello-julie, DaveBleasdale, Michael Candelori Photography, andessurvivor, slgckgc, byzantiumbooks, sasha diamanti