UPDATE: Just a handy FYI: I sometimes pre-schedule posts to appear at certain times, especially during crunch times, like when Shabbat and chag come close together. So if a post appears, it doesn't mean I'm actually here at the computer. Therefore, there might be delays in comments appearing or in replies, etc. 

​Thank you!

By the way, Weebly (the website-builder used for this blog) changed its ad-footer for sites using their free plan. It used to be an unobtrusive neutral-colored ad at the very bottom of the page.

​(My site isn't actually free because I buy my domain name and privacy protection from Weebly, but because I don't also pay for the official plan, it's considered the free plan.)

Then Weebly changed to a bright teal tag permanently set at the bottom of the screen and it pops up as a millennial female in a sleeveless shirt. They started applying it to new users of the free plan, and now they've apparently started applying it to all sites on the free plan (without letting any of the users know beforehand).

(If you're interested in creating a website/blog/online store with Weebly, you can click HERE and avoid the sleeveless millennial.)

Anyway, I think the ad-tag is annoying and distracting and not tsnius. But I'm not sure what to do because Weebly's no-annoying-ad cheapest plan costs $8 a month, which ends up being $96 a year, plus the expense of a domain name and privacy on top of that, and I'm not making money off this site to even out expenses. (It's a labor of love.) On the other hand, moving Myrtle Rising to another website builder seems like a tear-inducingly overwhelming, complicated, and time-consuming task.

So I'm not sure what to do, but I have no doubt that Hashem will send me an idea.

​Anyway, just wanted to let you know what's going on and sorry about that annoying pop-up ad all of the sudden.

​Cheers!

Sometimes, it seems like it’s too hard to fulfill mitzvot like giving the benefit of the doubt or judging others favorably or finding the merits in others.
 
And these have gotten an undeserved reputation for difficulty, mostly because of an overly idealistic presentation.

So the truth is that:

• Digging out a merit in another person does not excuse their abusive behavior.
• Judging another person favorably does not whitewash forbidden behavior.
• Giving the benefit of the doubt is actually forbidden when you know the person is an intentional unrepentant sinner. Assuming the best of intentions regarding a person who has repeatedly proven him or herself to be manipulative, exploitative, or sadistic actually causes harm to yourself and others (because your rosy disassociated state prevents you from protecting yourself and others from that person’s harm).

You still need to find some kind of good point in them, but you don’t need to expect them to behave ethically when they’ve proven they neither know nor care to do so.

In fact, the exhortation against chanifah prohibits us from labeling a Torah-prohibited behavior as good when it’s actually bad.
​
Acting like it’s okay or excusable to wreak havoc on a person’s family or community simply because that person endured a difficult upbringing (or whatever) is wrong.
 
But saying, “This person is probably a good person at heart, but they apparently didn’t manage to rise to the challenge of a difficult upbringing. Their behavior feels right to them, even though it’s wrong. They don’t mean to be horrible. They either aren’t thinking or if they are thinking, they’re thinking wrongly. If they somehow knew better, they'd be better.”
 
That’s judging the person favorably.

​They’re not innately evil—maybe they were even born good! Maybe Hashem even gifted them with many good points that aren’t yet actualized. They don’t mean to be horrible, they either aren’t thinking or they’re thinking down the wrong path, so to speak.
 
That’s a favorable judgment that can safely be used even in extreme situations.

A REAL merit, not just lip service or an act of sarcasm or flippance.
 
Finding a good quality in another can ignite a person to do teshuvah without either you or them knowing it.
 
The good within us co-exists with the bad.

​The bad is like a thick ugly klippah-peel weighing down upon our gem-like qualities.

​Our diamonds are trapped within a klippah-shell of toughened muck.

For example, I knew a woman who is very bitter and resentful toward Hashem.

She constantly complains and harps over every bad thing that has ever happened to her.

Even with a positive scenario, she picks it apart to scrape out whatever negatives can be found. She dominates every conversation with her gloom.
 
And because she is so miserable and self-absorbed, she sometimes insults people without realizing it. This only adds to her “the world is a heartless place” conviction as the offended person responds with anger and she can’t understand why the insulted person is being so "mean" to her.
 
And it’s true that she has endured some real challenges in life, challenges that would bring anyone down. Yet those challenges don’t condemn her to a life of gloom.

(In fact, based on things she has said and what mussar books say, I think at least 2 of her big challenges result from her insistence on seeing the worst of everything, calling Hashem names during hitbodedut, and acting like any expression of gratitude is beyond her. But obviously, I can’t know for sure.)
 
For whatever the reason, she made a series of choices that resulted in becoming the kind of person she became.
 
And yet…
 
I definitely see a wonderful person underneath a lot of klippah:

• She cares about people she perceives as suffering and invests tremendous effort and inconvenience to help them.
• She’s empathetic toward babies and small children.
• She’s devoted to her husband and I’m both impressed and admittedly mystified by their high level of shalom bayit.
• When people are consistently kind to her (regardless of her gloom, self-centeredness, and unintentional insults), she genuinely appreciates them and she openly expresses her appreciation and gratitude for their kindness toward her.
• She desperately wishes the world were a kinder and healthier place, and in her own bumbling blinded way, she does what she can to make it that way.

And that's not even all her positive qualities.
 
Fortunately, I don’t see her often, but when I do see her, I try my best to treat her with respect and relate to her according to her good points. It takes strenuous effort on my part to avoid getting dragged down by her gloom and misery, but it’s very worth it because underneath all the klippah, she really is a very good person who has suffered a lot, and I don’t want to hurt her further.

​Baruch Hashem, several other people also insist on treating her with respect and compassion, and they daven for her.
 
And indeed, over the past couple of years, I think she has become “lighter.” 

Western society tells us that unless we point out the negative, we’re not being “honest.”

In modern Edom, honesty is defined by whether you see negativity.
 
Judaism says exactly the opposite:
​You’re not being honest unless you notice the positive.
 
Judaism doesn’t consider you as seeing the whole picture unless you can see the positive aspects too (even there’s only one).
 
Yet fear (or perhaps a need to feel good) leads some Jews to understand this mitzvah superficially and they believe that if you see any negativity, then you’re remiss. They also wrongly feel that suffering excuses, justifies, or whitewashes halachically forbidden behavior.

(In all the stories of tzaddikim, I've never seen that giving the benefit of the doubt is ever used to "okay" behavior that is halachically forbidden and/or just plain bad middot. Even Rav Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev didn't justify or whitewash forbidden behavior, he tried to find a merit or a positive intention on the part of the errant one.)
 
So I don’t consider myself a Pollyanna or a fake or a moron for believing  the woman above possesses some very great qualities.

​At the same time, I also don’t consider myself an unspiritual or sinful or negative person for not only noticing that she suffers from some deeply problematic traits and beliefs, but for also realizing that her challenges don't need to define her in this way.

Her negativity, misery, ingratitude, and sometimes offensive behavior are not okay, despite her suffering.

But she's not innately horrible either. Underneath it all, she's very good.

​She's both.

​People aren’t either coal black or pristine white—they possess both.
 
And we can see both.
 
We shouldn’t be afraid to see both.
 
And if you can see the pristine light within another person, then that alone can spark them to do teshuvah.
 
You can see both & you can believe in their ability to change for the better.
 
And you can see both in yourself & believe in your own ability to change for the better too.

UPDATE: Upon receiving a message from a concerned reader, I realized that for the sake of maris ayin, a few things should be clarified:

• I write this blog anonymously. Even the 2 or 3 people who know me have no clue who are the family members mentioned in this post.
• My family neither reads this blog nor know it exists, so they cannot be hurt by this post in any way. (I wouldn't have written it this way if they read it.)
• My non-Jewish family members (who think they're Jewish) and their non-Jewish spouses (if they're married) for the most part are anti-Israel anti-religion anti-morality Liberals/Leftists who don't treat me with anywhere near the same warmth and courtesy I treat them. (In fact, they do the opposite.) They are mocking or sneering DESPITE the fact that I DON'T DISCUSS Judaism with them at all or impose on them in anyway, and I always treat them nicely.

(This includes the one previously married to the despicable criminal. That cousin was also there when he was "confronting" me about Holocaust survivors not forgiving Nazis, and she remained silently apathetic the whole time. But she was furious with me later for telling another Jewish family member about it because that Jew also found it offensive & didn't want the menuval at the family Seder.)

• A couple of my not-Jewish-but-think-they-are relatives are very nice to me personally and relatively positive toward my frumkeit, but one holds firm anti-Israel pro-Philistinian views (and we all know what that really means).
• I'm very fond of my Jewish family members (except one), even as I'm sad that they don't know the spiritual treasure they have and I did not say anything about them in this post, except that they're intermarried secular Liberals (without names). Oh wait. I did call one "a lump," and I've deleted that.

If you know for a fact (with sources) that anything I wrote here is genuine lashon hara, I definitely want to know so that I can delete it. 

Thank you!

I’d like to make a quick point about intermarriage.

In my family, intermarriage only started with the generation above mine.

Yet in my generation already, non-Jews outnumbered the Jews if you put all the first-cousins together.

And of the Jews, not one married a Jew (except me). Even the cousins who live in New York, where there’s no dearth of Jews. Even the one who married twice married a non-Jewish woman each time. He has 5 kids in all—none of them Jewish (although one of his sons looks like him, with a very handsome Jewish face, and shares his typically Jewish last name).

If you spread out the net wider, I have one Jewish second-cousin who married a Jew (both not frum). I’ve met his mother 3 times in my life, but never him. I don’t even remember his name.

I also have a third-cousin (whom I only discovered a couple of years ago) who became a Chabadnik and is married to a fellow Chabadnik, and they are producing a lovely family.

That’s it as far as I know!

On my side of the family, my children do not have even 1 Jewish first-cousin. They have 3 Jewish second-cousins, 2 of whom are boys. Barring a miracle, it’s unlikely that these children will marry Jews. Meaning that the 1 girl is the only one to have any chance of continuing the Jewish line—IF she decides to have children. (I have several family members in both my generation and the generation above mine who either decided not to have children, or are taking their time about it, maybe until they run out of time.)

Many of the intermarriages don’t consider themselves intermarriage because they did a fake Conservative or Reform “conversion,” in which there was never any intention to keep even the 10 Commandments.

One does keep kosher, however, but doesn’t fast on Yom Kippur and has never kept Shabbat. (In all fairness, she’s not supposed to keep Shabbat because she is not Jewish. However, she does not know that she’s not Jewish and thinks her observance is perfectly fine.)

Another Reform “convert” does nothing except watch her Jewish husband light Chanukah candles (I'm not even sure if they do it every night of Chanukah) and she attends or even hosts a Pesach Seder once a year. Kashrut doesn’t exist in their home, nor does any other Jewish observance as far as I’ve ever seen.
 
And so on. 

Intermarriage decimates Jewish families that fast.

I'm seeing Jewish family lines completely dead within 1-3 generations of that initial intermarriage. 
 
And the above doesn’t even cover the absurdity of a Pesach Seder in which non-Jews outnumber the Jews 12-1. (Even a 50% non-Jewish Seder is silly. I mean, should Jewish men recite Chana's prayer in which she goes through her female reproductive system which men don't have? It's the same type of thing.)

​Or the unwitting confusion that reigns when you have 3 generations of non-Jews who practice no Judaism, save for maybe a Chanukah candle-lighting and a Pesach Seder, yet consider themselves Jewish because a Conservative or Reform rabbi told them they’re Jewish.
 
(This gets even messier when you throw adoption into the mix, with a non-Jewish-mother-who-thinks-she’s-Jewish adopting a non-Jewish child, then raising the child as an assimilated Jew. I’ve known several families like that.)
 
One non-Jewish cousin (the daughter of the Reform “convert” above) married a guy who planned on undergoing a Reform conversion, but they got divorced before he got his certificate.

​I never liked him, particularly after a conversation in which he unexpectedly demanded to know why ORTHODOX Jews don’t forgive the Germans and why ORTHODOX Jews boycott German products.
 
(That one question exhibited so much irrationality, it took me a moment to even know where to start in response.)
 
Then he kept insisting that Holocaust survivors need to forgive the Nazis. He seemed personally offended that Holocaust survivors don’t forgive Nazis.
 
I was flabbergasted by his attitude (and his sheer chutzpah in pounding me with his attitude—did he honestly expect to me to ever agree with him?) until I learned that after he and my cousin got divorced, he was convicted of particularly heinous crimes against children, one as young as six. (He claimed she asked for it -- literally.) Hopefully, he’ll never leave prison and the daughter he and my cousin have together decided several years ago to just tell everyone her father is dead. And that’s exactly what she does.
 
I guess it takes someone with abominable inclinations and no empathy to find Nazi atrocities forgivable and to get all huffy about those who cannot forgive atrocities.

Anyway, despite their enthusiasm to dupe non-Jews into thinking they're Jews, Reform "rabbis" might want to take at least a minute to probe the views and proclivities of their potential "converts," even if they care nothing for the potential "convert's" actual observance and commitment to Torah Judaism.

​So this is just a small sample of what’s going on.
 
And the Reform and Conservative (which is actually extremely Liberal) movements want to bring all this to Eretz Yisrael.

Better start davening.

I recently came across a new app in which an AI (artificial intelligence) bot is advertised as "your 4 AM friend!"

Explaining that the app is based on techniques like CBT, DBT, mindfulness, and life coaching, it's promoted as "a fun way to build emotional resilience."

Well, that certainly sounds appealing.

Curious, I tried it out to see how this could possibly work.

(And yes, to be perfectly upfront, this is exactly the kind of distraction warned about in a previous post. Gotta check out that really intriguing new app that I'm not supposed to use and anyway have no intention of using!)

Anyway, you get this friendly little bird icon texting at you very nicely, and after a few introductory lines, it asks you to type in something for which you're grateful.

Very good.

If you download the app, it collects your text messages and creates a type of algorithm so that it can respond to you according to your individual needs.

It's very cute, reassuring, gentle, and friendly -- but it's not real.

It's an AI bot, for crying out loud. There's not even a real person on the other end.

"Nothing can match the privacy of an anonymous conversation with an AI bot," it claims.

Yeah, except that it collects data on you (so as to counsel you better) that anyone can hack into.

Also, there is something that can match and even far surpass the privacy of a not-as-anonymous-as-advertised conversation with an AI bot: a conversation with your Creator when no one else is around to eavesdrop (or collect your personal data).

Claiming the ability to ask probing questions that help you "untangle your mind" and "relax after a hard day," I wondered why you can't do that on your own? I mean, mussar books also ask probing questions.

But even if you don't have access to mussar books, a freewrite or mind-map session would help you untangle your mind and relax.

One user posted the following:
"I am often too anxious to talk to or contact anyone, so having a bot that I can vent to and that offers real constructive advice without feeling like I'm being judged or taking anyone's time is really, really helpful."

See? They KNOW they're interacting with a mere bot, but not only do they not care, they actually PREFER it!

And the thing is...I understand them.

For whatever the reason, even good people who really want to take the time and emotional energy to help others find it hard to do so nowadays. Many people feel like they're struggling to keep their own head above water, let alone offer support to others.

"Some young people young people have actually chosen to use [this AI bot] over a referral to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service...and felt this was all the support they need."

I'm not surprised to hear that a well-programmed bot might be more helpful than a counselor. Even the best-intentioned person has flaws and blind spots. Only a true tzaddik can know your soul in a way that let's them offer you guidance truly tailored for your soul-journey.

​But a non-judgmental bot can feel like the next best thing.

The kind of listening most helpful to others -- often referred to as "facilitative listening" -- demands you put your own ego aside and totally focus on the other and what he or she truly needs at the soul level.

It takes a certain amount of humility and genuine care for the other to listen in a way that helps the other figure out what he or she needs to do, without you imposing your own ego or preconceived notions on them.

Yet that's exactly what people need in a listener, according to Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender.

​As Rav Bender explains in Words of Faith, it's best to base interactions on the following:

• Seek the good points in each other.

• Give chizuk (He advises to say something along the lines of: “Chazak—be strong! My brother, be strong! Hold on and do not be discouraged by anything!” This should be said encouragingly and not irritably, of course.)
• Happy talk (I think this means to cheer up the other person.)
• Encouraging words
• Words of Torah
• Do good (I think this means that the listener can offer a favor, if he or she is in the position to do so, like a loan or a meal or babysitting, etc.)
• Try not to give advice because telling a person what to do takes away their free will.
• Allow the necessary exchange of light to occur.

I want to apologize if anything written in this blog caused any harm to anyone.
 
Part of the official Jewish Vidui/Confession is ya’atznu aitzot ra’ot—we’ve recommended bad advice.

In an effort to avoid this sin, I base my recommendations either on people much greater than I could imagine being or on my own regrettable experience, hoping to help others avoid suffering the same pain and flops that I’ve suffered & benefiting from chizuk I either wish I’d had or have received and found helpful.
 
Having said that, maybe I messed up.

Maybe I misunderstood or miscommunicated an important idea, which messed you up.
 
Or maybe a post contains lashon hara or something wrong or useless or misleading.
 
Maybe a comment or email to you was tactless or insensitive or unnecessarily defensive.
 
(I aim for compassion and sensitivity, but because I usually have no idea to whom I'm emailing/commenting, I can totally flub up. Actually, I can totally flub up even if I know exactly to whom I'm speaking, darn it.)

For all the above, I’m truly sorry.
 
(You can also feel free to contact me for a personal apology or to point out something you know for a fact is halachically or factually wrong.)
 
May we all enjoy a sweet new year full of sweetened dinim/judgments.

May Hashem forgive us, may we forgive each other, and may we forgive ourselves and may each of us merit to fulfill our unique soul-potential.

Rav Shalom Arush’s Garden of Gratitude fleshes out everything you need to know about the importance of gratitude, including how & why it works.

It’s a genuinely inspiring book, yet its impact is so powerful, I recommend reading Garden of Emuna first.

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel that had I read Garden of Gratitude before reading Garden of Emuna, it would’ve hit me too hard and I just wouldn’t have been able to absorb it properly.
​
Then there is the easily digestible Garden of Miracles: Say Thank You & See Salvation.

​There, you’ll find letters and testimonies from around the world of people of different religious backgrounds, ethnicities, and nationalities who read Garden of Emuna, started expressing gratitude to Hashem, and discovered an expanded mind and heart, plus an improved life. Some of the stories are quite amazing.

At first glance, it doesn’t seem logical that simply saying “Thank You, Hashem, for this and thank You, Hashem, for that” can not only reap miracles, but also effect self-transformation.

In fact, gratitude seems almost like a sneaky short-cut around doing real get-your-hands-dirty self-scrutiny and cheshbon hanefesh.

But looking at a mussar classic from nearly a thousand years ago, we find the Chovot Halevavot/Duties of the Heart details a 30-part cheshbon hanefesh that consists primarily of meditating on all the nice things Hashem has done for you.

(Seriously. Take a look at Shaar Cheshbon Hanefesh/Gate of Spiritual Accounting.)

For example, if you look at Cheshbon #2 in Chapter 3, it basically asks you to sit there and happily ruminate over all the body parts you enjoy and their functionality. (Do you have a tongue? Does it work? Great! How about your saliva production? Not too much, else you’d be drooling & not too little, else how would you ever swallow cinnamon-buttered toast?)
​
Chesbon #2 also references the symmetry of the human body.

For example, your elbows aren’t where your knees are and vice-versa. Your feet don’t extend from your shoulder joints and you don’t have hands where your feet should be.

In a world where each person endured the nisayon of randomly applied limbs, getting out of bed would be a major challenge. Meeting the most basic needs would consume our entire day every day. How would we ever progress beyond the most primitive tasks? Performing surgery or even “just” CPR would be impossible, as would any task that makes life more comfortable and convenient or produces great accomplishments.
​
Our intellect would suffer too because such a challenging life would leave us no time for intellectual pursuits or learning Torah. (How could we even scribe a Torah scroll or record chiddushim with an asymmetrical body?) 

Okay, so what does all this grateful ruminating do for us?

When you know that everything really comes from Hashem and is good, that’s emuna and bitachon.

A grateful person is truly happy. Meaning, not hyper or frivolous, but content and feeling loved by the Creator.

A grateful person maintains constant connection to Hashem because in everything that happens, such a person immediately turns to Hashem, whether with praise or with a plea for help.

One who is grateful to Hashem doesn’t get depressed or detached. Such a person does not slip into sin. Feeling happy and fulfilled by his or her intimate relationship with Hakadosh Baruch Hu, what need does such a person have for taavot like food, drugs, illicit relationships, or violence?

Feeling happy and loved by Hashem, what urge does such a person have for revenge, hurting others, anger, depression, mockery, or wasting time?

Furthermore, such a person will naturally regret former forbidden behaviors because their state of gratitude and contentment is so compelling and fulfilling.

So such a person naturally regrets former forbidden actions and naturally wants to be good.

Furthermore, it’s easier for such a person to remedy and attempt to rectify past misdeeds.

Enveloped in bitachon (the certainty that everything that happens is good even if it’s not enjoyable), they know they have nothing to fear from admitting their mistakes, even if the other person is unforgiving and harsh. Since all money is from Hashem, they find it easier to pay back what they owe and make expensive amends.

One who truly believes that EVERYTHING is from Hashem holds no arrogance or pride. They just feel lucky and loved that Hashem gifted them whatever strong points or good fortune they enjoy.
​
Needless to say, I’m not on that level—but I sure would like to be!

So that’s an overview of how gratitude works.

Our very name--Yehudi—comes from the word hoda’ah, l’hodot: to thank.

Upon Yehudah's birth, Leah Imeinu said, “ ‘Hapa’am odeh et Hashem—This time, I shall thank Hashem’ and she called his name Yehudah.”

Yehudah is the progenitor of Mashiach.

Leah, with all her suffering and loneliness, managed to wholeheartedly thank Hashem and thus merit the spark of Mashiach.

So gratitude to Hashem ignites the spark of Mashiach.

It’s there inside of us.

There might be a lot of darkness and muck to scrape through to get to it.

But it’s definitely there.
​
May we all merit basking in a state of continuous gratitude.

I just got an interesting quote in my Inbox [emphasis mine]:

​This issue is what has come up on this blog several times.

Conventional "solutions" touted throughout society as "the best" or "the only" solution to problems either don't help, don't help as much as needed, or even harm.

Despite the positive smiley encouraging presentation, such promotion of band-aid methods ultimately leads to despair.

Hashem loves you with a Love that you can't even imagine feeling yourself, no matter how much or how deeply you have ever loved another person. He is the Only One Who truly has your best interests and Who truly cares about you.

​And He is the True Healer of all ills.

English-speaking frum media with the noblest of intentions continuously pushes secular solutions to problems, whether it’s therapy, medication, yoga, or anything else solidly recommended in secular society.

As I’ve said before, I think therapy can be helpful depending and I’m not necessarily against psychiatric medication used for very specific reasons for a very limited amount of time. (And according to my reading, yoga isn’t ever kosher even when it’s advertised as “kashered,” so that’s out.)

But even helpful therapy doesn’t usually solve the problem at its core. And its helpfulness depends so much on the chemistry between the therapist and client, how spiritually healthy and emuna-filled the therapist is, how much the therapist actually likes the client and sees the client's God-given potential, plus how much the therapist can help the client develop emuna and carry out a real cheshbon hanefesh...and much more.

Yet the most compassionate, caring, responsible response with which people are constantly bombarded is to encourage a suffering loved one is to "get professional help."

​Psychiatry keeps insisting that psychiatric medications are the only way to treat mental illness despite both anecdotal evidence and a leading psychiatrist’s claims and research evidence that medication actually makes people worse in the long run, not better.

Yes, that’s right.

At the end of a lifetime of official, professional, “responsible” psychiatric treatment, the patient will not even be back to their original starting point of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder or whatever. They’ll be worse.

So how is that "treating" the illness?

As stated before, I don’t see a problem with temporary treatment. I can only imagine what a psychotic episode is like, and maybe someone needs a medicinal “kick” to get them out of a dark tortuous place and into a place where they can ponder their situation, its roots, and how to proceed.

But most (if not all) of what secular society recommends as "treatment" or "responsible" doesn't ultimately heal the problem.

I used to think therapy was the answer for all emotional ills.

Then I tried therapy. I tried it several short-term times with different therapists over the years for different reasons. Most were either not helpful at all or somewhat helpful, and a couple (the frum female ones) were pretty helpful—yet could not provide me with complete direction. (That needs to come in a quiet place from private discussions with Hashem.)

I also couldn't help noticing that others who'd undergone therapy still suffered from poor morality and psychological issues.

I also believed with all my heart that if I would cleave to a rabbinical-approved chinuch method (as taught by the rabbinically approved rebbetzin) and jump through every hoop insisted (no matter how high or how narrow), then I would succeed in turning out ideal frum children, which was my dearest dream.

(Note: To my knowledge, these authorizing rabbis don't hear the nitty-gritty details of the shitahs presented nor do they hear the stories told for emphasis. The authorizing rabbis go by a basic run-down of the shitah—which will always be presented in a Torah-based way because that's what the person truly believes he or she is doing--and the authorizing rabbis go by the integrity and middot of the person promoting the shitah. But just because the person knows how to deal with her own children or students doesn't mean that she knows how to deal with other people's children or even with other people who are very different than her.)

The books that helped me break away from the chinuch loop were (in the order I discovered them):

• Personality Types: Using the Enneagram for Self-Discovery by Riso & Hudson (helped me realize that much chinuch advice either does nothing or is the opposite of what a Type 8 child needs and can even worsen that child’s behavior)
• The Case Against Adolescence: Rediscovering the Adult in Every Teen by Dr. Robert Epstein (validated a lot of my own against-the-stream observations since high school and proved that most “adolescent” behavior is actually culturally induced rather than the much-touted "teen brain"; also one of the only secular books of this type that not only doesn’t put down Judaism, Torah, etc, but even admires authentic Judaism)
• Garden of Education by Rav Shalom Arush (this made me throw out every other chinuch book; it was all I needed)
• Yeladim Mutzlachim by Rav Shalom Arush (its collection of prayers for chinuch is invaluable; and using historical examples of Gedolei Hador from all groups, it proves the importance of prayer and spiritual inner work for raising children)

And needless to say, both my children and I are still works in progress. None of us are perfect and we never will be. And because I'm far from tzidkus, I struggle with implementing the authentic Jewish mussar as I should. Yet at least I'm bumbling up the right path; I wasn't before.

Being human, all therapists run into their own limitations at some point. Their blind spots (which every human possesses) will eventually block you, their client.

Furthermore, when I was in the chinuch loop, I discovered that many chinuch advisors don’t really possess the spiritual foundation and expanded mind to truly help parents raise their children.

For example:

• For complex reasons (some unfathomable in our 3-dimentional world), Hashem placed specific children with specific parents for everyone’s benefit, pre-determining struggles and conflicts (along with harmony and suitability) beforehand.
• Because they are only human, chinuch advisors can make some accurate observations based on their experience, but they will always miss other things simply because they are human and cannot see everything that Hashem sees. (And sometimes, what they miss is exactly what the parent needs to know for that child.)
• Hashem gifted each parent with the wisdom & insight to raise each child; therefore, a chinuch advisor’s job is to draw out that wisdom and insight, not to impose the chinuch advisor’s “solutions” onto the parents. However, this is much more complex and demands much more emotional and mental stamina than imposing shitahs.
• Switching methods can lead to temporary relief, but using the child’s undesirable behavior as a springboard for a parent’s cheshbon hanefesh and consequent teshuvah is a million times more likely to lead to improvement in the child’s behavior ON ITS OWN. (Although nothing is guaranteed because we don't know Hashem's Plan for us.)
• Children’s aberrant behavior is more likely a reflection of the parents’ middot on some level, and less likely a reflection of specific methods used.

 
As just one example of the last point:
A bullying child is most likely a reflection of a parent’s bullying tendency, even if this tendency is nearly unperceivable and not consciously or practically witnessed by either the child or the parent. (Meaning, maybe the parent is unconsciously and subtly bullying an adult sibling, but the bullying isn't expressed anywhere else or at anyone else—yes, the message can be that subtle.)

​This COULD also mean that the child experiences bullying by a parent, but it doesn’t HAVE to mean that.

Having said all that, the majority of chinuch advisors definitely deserve an A+ for good intentions.

They stretch to the limits their patience and energy to help desperate & struggling (or arrogant & obstinate) parents and their children. But they can also accidentally harm as much as they help. (Or even harm more than they help, depending.)

Why?

Because chinuch methods aren't generally based on Torah hashkafah. Some methods can be adapted to Torah hashkafah, but the goals set in Mishlei and mussar sefarim aren't necessarily the goals of the chinuch class.

​(The main goal for your child, BTW, is for them to fulfill their soul-potential and get them into the best Olam Haba possible, may everyone live in good health until 120.)

The majority of chinuch advisors unknowingly hold views based on 1 of the following:

• Post-Sixties methods created (and continuously re-adjusted) by anti-Torah Liberals and Leftists with either secular Leftist or Far Eastern "spiritual" agendas
• Pre-Sixties methods created by secular sick anti-Torah elitists and eugenicists
• People with ulterior agendas posited as “good for the child!” but were originally a stab at temporarily improving the economy or lowering employment or whatever. 

​Regarding therapy, I couldn’t help seeing that therapy often made people feel better, but not act better. For example, one secular person I knew went to a top-rated secular psychologist when she felt suicidal. He managed to cure of her desire to kill herself, yet not her penchant for pritzadik behavior (including an affair with a married man), nasty acts of revenge, and so on. But yes, she did feel much better about herself.

(And that doesn't even begin to cover the people who felt worse after therapy.)

That’s just one example. There are a lot more.

Likewise, I’ve noticed so many people jump from therapist to therapist and from method to method. While therapists defend therapy by saying it can only help those who want to be helped and are willing to do the inner work—and this is true—because this is true, people are better off just doing it with Hashem.

Hashem truly loves us and knows everything about us. In fact, any bad middot you discover were planted there BY HASHEM in the first place, so rather than blaming yourself, you can just flip it back to Hashem and say, “YUCK. I don’t want this! Ugh, what an absolutely awful middah. Take it back—please, take it back!”

​(Don’t worry. He loves it when you do this. That’s the whole point of your existence and why He put you here in the first place. World of Tikkun!)

So what is the point of this post?

The point is that we are inundated from all sides by advice to use secular (or secular-based with a frum twist) treatment for our emotional, psychological, mental, and relationship problems. And in the frum media, they promote this based on secular research (with the best of intentions; they genuinely want to help).

Yet that same secular research is itself coming out and saying:
​“THIS ULTIMATELY DOES NOT WORK.”

So who are you going to listen to?

The “I’M the ultimate solution—right over here!” and “THIS ULTIMATELY DOES NOT WORK” are both coming from the same source (secular science and research).
​
So who are you going to listen to?

​Or, rather Who are you going to listen to?

Related Posts
By Dr. Zev Ballen:
The True Doctor of the Soul
The Therapeutic Wasteland
The Origins of Emuna Coaching
Do You NLP? (please make sure to read Chaim's valuable comments at the end)
______
Anti-Depressant Use Leads to Worse Long-Term Outcomes
Does Long-Term Use of Psychiatric Drugs Cause More Harm Than Good?
Psychiatrist Says: More Psychiatry Means More Shootings
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Myrtle Rising Chinuch Posts
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For Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender's advice on beneficial listening and how a true friend should behave, please search through Posts on Rav Levi Yitzchak Bender.
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What is the World of Tikkun?

One of the major struggles I’ve had since becoming frum is resisting the cultural pull toward “eat, drink, be merry.” (Not so literally—I was never a party lush—but the cultural implication of the phrase.)

The eternal search for leisure time and activities, the perking up at distractions, the ever increasing opportunities for instant gratification in any area…

Funnily, I became frum partly BECAUSE I rejected a life void of meaning.

And I’m still frum because I really believe in this.

I know this is what Hashem wants.

But I can’t deny the double–whammy of both my cultural indoctrination and certain aspects of my personality.

​Not everyone suffers from this issue because they have other issues. But this is definitely mine and it’s an issue for a lot of people.

Recently, I listened to a 2012 shiur. And Rebbetzin Heller discussed this idea again in her usual compelling and inspiring way.

She told the story of a female baalat teshuvah in her late thirties who got engaged to a thirtysomething chassidish businessman (whose Chassidic group marries off its young men and women by the age of 20).

​After determining that he was indeed a decent guy who simply hadn’t met his zivug until now, they got engaged.

​But when they discussed their favorite places in the world, he said he loved San Francisco because of its beautiful bridge.

“I’ve been to San Francisco,” she replied. “The only thing is there are so many gays, it made me feel uncomfortable.”
​
“Gay people?” he said. “I didn’t think the people there looked so much happier than anywhere else.”

Gulp!
​
Dread speared the heart of the kallah. She realized that despite his wide travels and business savvies, he’d guarded his innocence so well, he could have no idea of her own past. She dreaded him finding out because she knew she’d feel cheap and repulsive (her words, not mine) when he’d invariably make this discovery.

So Rebbetzin Heller bravely rang up the chassan’s Rebbe and very delicately explained the kallah’s concerns.

“I know exactly what you’re talking about,” the Rebbe said. “I spoke with him about this before he even went out with her. Of course she has a past. How could she not have a past?”

For the kallah's sake, Rebbetzin Heller wanted to know how the chassan felt about it.

“I’ll tell you what I told him,” the Rebbe continued. “This is Olam Hatikkun.” (The World of Fixing, Repair, Rectification.) “Nothing in This World is perfect. Not me. Not him. Not her. Not you. It’s the World of Tikkun. It’s the world where we all have to select where we want to be and who we want to be by rejecting who we don’t want to be and what we aren’t.”

And the chassan accepted it.

​Then the Rebbe asserted that if the kallah ever wanted to contact him directly, she could feel free to do so.

So again, the Rebbe's definition of This World as the World of Tikkun:

• Reject who you don't want to be.
• Reject what you aren't.
• Select who you want to be.
• Select where you want to be.

Again, just like with Rav Ofer Erez’s book Ahavat Kedumim, this truth removes toxic shame from the whole picture.

Healthy shame, yes.

Toxic shame, no.

Many people comment on how exasperated, frustrated, exhausted, and angry they feel about the constant struggle with a nisayon. (And I can feel this way as much as anyone else.) In a particularly challenging nisayon, a person can fail many more times than she succeeds. The struggle can feel so worthless and meaningless.

But it’s NOT.

That struggle is exactly what we’re here for: It’s Olam Hatikkun.

It’s a world of stitching, then ripping out stitches, then starting over again.

It’s sculpting, then mashing everything back into a mound of clay, then starting over again.

It’s painting, then getting nicks, scratches, and holes, then plastering, scraping, and repainting again.

​If at all possible, rather than feeling defeated and down on yourself when struggling, you can also feel good and happy (at least a tiny bit) about that feeling of struggle, even as you feel fed up with it.

Rebbetzin Heller ends the shiur with 2 questions every person must ask herself:

• Who am I not?
• Who am I?

She explains that according to Chovot Halevovot, the answer to “Who am I?” is: “I am a person of transcendence.”

And the Chovot Halevavot details 4 qualities regarding this (i.e. that define our portion in the World to Come).

"I am:

• my emuna." (i.e., knowing that God is behind everything)
• my willingness to give to the other and to affect the other."
• my ability to suffer and meet challenges."
• my ability to want to know Torah and to live it."

These are the goals.

Your unique path is to find your way to actualize these goals within you.

It’s All Greek To Me - Confronting the Challenges of Contemporary Culture | TorahAnytime.com (the shiur on which this post is based)
Our Purpose in This World
What is the Main Purpose of Your Existence?

For a long time, I didn't quite understand the concept of Hashem refraining from fulfilling your request in order to increase your yearning or to test your sincerity (the test being for you, not for Him).

Then at one point, I decided to replace my somewhat modest skirts with truly modest skirts.

The truly modest skirts made me look fatter, but otherwise they were nice-looking. And most importantly of all, they fulfilled halachic requirements.

So they were nice-looking skirts, but I figured that the fat-effect was just part of sacrificing for a mitzvah and even good for me (because I needed to choose halacha over the shifting definitions of beauty.)

Yet a couple of days after this not-cheap self-sacrificing purchase, I noticed that one of the zippers on the new skirt had already busted. Because it was in the back, I'd been walking around with an open zipper without even knowing it. (It wasn't so bad because I wear long shirts, but still.)

Of course, my mind briefly and instinctively hopped to the usual facades of despair: You can't count on Israeli stores to sell you decent merchandise (i.e., this happened because I made aliyah to Eretz Yisrael - a very big mitzvah!), why am I being punished for doing something You claim You WANT?, why does this kind of thing always happen to me? (even though it actually doesn't ALWAYS happen), and so on.

I managed to stop my anti-emuna thoughts (but not my disgruntled feelings), and brought it to a seamstress, who fixed it in a few days.

Then the mild annoyance was over and I've worn them ever since.

Looking at things from the above perspective: What if I'd decided to cast aside the new skirts?

What would I be saying?

I'd be saying that I don't REALLY care about dressing spiritually. I don't really care about the halacha.

Maybe I just wanted to feel frum or halachically superior. Maybe I'd heard a particularly inspiring class on the importance of tsnius and I wanted the merits promised, but not enough to really keep to the proper standards.

Maybe my desire for more tsnius skirts was just fleeting inspiration, and not a reflection of my heart's desire.

If you really want something, if it's REALLY important to you and you are sincere about it, then you keep going with it -- even when it's difficult or inconvenient.

And in much bigger things than skirts, sometimes Hashem withholds fulfillment of a request because you need more prayer and chesbon hanefesh to be really ​ready for it.

New technologies always present challenges to society.

Ambivalence toward technology is normal.

For example, in Laura Ingalls Wilder's fictionalized biography about her husband Almanzo, Farmer Boy, Almanzo's father refuses to use the new-to-the-scene threshing machine for fear it will make people lazy and provide too much empty time. He also considers it an unnecessary expense.

Yet other people loved these new threshing machines for harvesting crops.

In another scene in the series (which took place in America's 1880s), one of the characters laments the "modern" reliance on kerosene, recalling that in her childhood, they made out just fine without kerosene. Candles could be made at home from animal fat. But kerosene offered a nicer and cleaner light.

In a book of poems left by a relative born in 1861, my relative recalls her ambivalence toward the radio in a poem she wrote in 1938:

Apparently, it depends how the radio is being utilized.

In another 1938 poem, she laments the rising acquirement of cars:

Interestingly, cars were apparently considered more of a male thing in those times. Previously, the man of the family (or older teenage son) drove the horses and wagon due to his greater physical strength. This role as driver apparently transitioned to cars too.

Furthermore, it was more acceptable socially for men to go out and about and to do so at night.

So she saw cars as a downfall for men, with women and children as the innocent victims.

Her ambivalence toward cars and her concern about their effects on men and families in general reflects many people's feelings toward cellphones and Internet today. 

Regarding cellphones and Internet, many people today can identify with the last lines of her poem:
​It has come to us to stay.
But many a home has been shattered
​By its ruthless, persuasive sway.

In fact, her feelings toward both radios and cars reflect society's usual ambivalence toward technological advancements. Some people always hop aboard the new thing, some reject it for as long as they can, while some admire the benefits while showing concern over the downsides.

Trains, planes, ships, telephones, car phones, cellphones, radios, cars, computers, and Internet all brought up the same mix of appreciation and concern expressed above.

I can't remember the source, but I once read that it's debatable whether the Sanhedrin would've allowed cars, given the high rate of death and injury they cause. (The doubt was regarding personal cars, not emergency vehicles.) And today, many yeshivahs prohibit their students from getting a drivers license due to the same concerns expressed in the poem above.

Yet a car is considered a right today. And in many areas, it's even a necessity.

So yes, today's technology is new.

But its impact on society is not new (although it's increasingly more intense and pervasive than previous technology, but the core impact itself is not new).

Related links:
How to Resist the Attraction of "New!" & Why You Really Should
Discover the Ancient Danger of "New!"