Blog Posts

When Urban Legends (or Horrors) & Segulahs Come to Life

31/8/2022

A few months ago, we had what I thought was a mouse problem.

It wasn’t the first time, but it hadn’t happened for years.

Because they’re cute (along the lines of hamsters and gerbils), I’m not afraid of or disgusted by the mice themselves.

But I cannot tolerate their droppings or the idea of them running across clean towels, counters, and anything else ruining good hygiene.

Also, because the father mouse comes to check out a place before bringing his family, any signs of a mouse (or even worse, the actual mouse itself), means you’re not dealing with one mouse, but five or more (the father, his wife, and kids).

(And if you see two or three mice, you’re actually dealing with MANY more.)

Singing the Rodents' Songs

So upon being startled by the sight of a mouse leaping from a stack of towels to the windowsill in the laundry room (a particularly large & robust mouse, I noted), I realized we needed to tackle the problem immediately.

Sara Yoheved Rigler’s famous saga with a rat came to mind.
My Rat's Tale – https://aish.com/48909007/

SPOILER ALERT (IF YOU DIDN'T READ THE ARTICLE YET)!

Rav Scheinberger advised her to go according to the song of the rat in Perek Shirah (which indicates the need to increase gratitude):

חֻלְדָּה אוֹמֶרֶת. כֹּל הַנְּשָׁמָה תְּהַלֵּל יָהּ הַלְלוּיָהּ. (תהילים קנ ו)

The Rat says: Every soul shall praise God — Hallelukah! (Tehillim 150:6)

Indeed, Rigler’s increase in gratitude led to the cessation of the rat.

So I looked up the song of the mouse:

עַכְבָּר אוֹמֵר. וְאַתָּה צַדִּיק עַל כׇּל־הַבָּא עָלַי כִּי־אֱמֶת עָשִׂיתָ וַאֲנִי הִרְשָֽׁעְתִּי׃ (נחמיה ט לג)

The Mouse says: And You are Just about everything that has come upon us because You have performed truth and we have been wicked.

Assuming it indicated the need to invest more deeply in cheshbon hanefesh, I started doing that—accompanied by practical hishtadlus too, like keeping doors and screens closed all the time.

And I waited expectantly for the nisayon to end.

A Particularly Crafty Intruder

Then the mouse entered via a hole in the screen where the dryer's lint funnel stuck out.

So I taped the hole around the funnel with silver duct tape.

But that night, I heard the funnel rustling, and discovered holes bitten into the papery funnel, which enable the mouse to bypass the taped-up hole in the screen.

So duct tape went on to those holes too.

But now we feared the mouse was trapped IN the house.

I continued to do what I could according to the Song of the Mouse.

An Urban Horror Comes to Life

The next morning I woke up to the voice of my husband saying, “Hey, there’s a mouse in the toilet!”

That's a phrase you never think you'll hear in real life.

It's also not something I want to hear first thing in the morning. Or anytime at all. Ever.

After a quick netilas yadayim, our then-six-year-old and I came to look.

There it was, with its cute hamster-like face, its black eyes bulging as it twitched to look at each of us in hopeful desperation.

I was surprised to see that, rather than ducking away from us in fear, he seemed to view us like the main character viewed potential mommies in the book Are You My Mother?

Are you my salvation? he seemed to ask as he looked at each of us in eager hope.

(In case you’re wondering, it seems he entered via the slightly open bathroom window, which stands near the mouse’s usual entry point next to the dryer funnel hose.)

At this point, you need to know my husband holds very strongly by the Arizal’s injunction against killing living creatures, no matter how pesky or repellent.

(Being not the epitome of an ishah kasherah/a kosher wife, I totally ignore my husband's injunction when dealing with cockroaches or spiders. And I've killed scorpions twice — one as big as my fist.)

So hubby did his usual thing where he spreads his arms out as if to block a stampede and proclaimed, “No one kill it!”

(As if either my young son or I had the wherewithal or the desire to kill a small mammal.)

When we all exited, my husband again issued his usual proclamation in these situations: “We will not kill it! The Arizal says not to kill." He paused for emphasis. "We will take it outside.”

(This is how these situations always go with him. I respect him for this position, BTW, even if I cannot always abide by it.)

Taking the mouse outside, of course, demanded the use of today’s much-envied “male privilege”—which includes the great “privilege” of dealing with rodents in toilet bowls before Shacharis AND breakfast. In pajamas and slippers.

After all, that’s certainly not a job for women! (Ha!)

But how on earth...?

We didn’t need to wonder long about how our Arizal-devotee intended to extract the mouse.

He asked for any ladle and a container I would never need again. Ever.

He found the container, I found a broken milchig pasta ladle, and we were all set for my husband to carry out his lofty male privilege.

I cringed in a corner of the hallway in case anything went wrong, but our son stood right next to his father to watch the proceedings (because this is a really awesome way to start the day if you're a 6-year-old boy...ever notice how events found stressful by adults tend to be experienced by children as supreme joy & excitement?)

As my husband bravely exited with the mouse in the container & holding the lid down with the tail flapping out, I noticed again how it looked much larger than a normal mouse.

Also, its tail looked longer and thicker than usual for a mouse.

But to paraphrase a famous saying: Cognitive dissonance is bliss.

For some reason, I was ready to deal with a mouse…but not a rat.

Anyway, my husband strode out of our apartment with great purpose and down the stairs to the back entrance of our building, which leads to the great outdoors, not far from open nature.

He deposited the rat a good distance from our building and we all hoped that was the end of it—especially since I was going by the Song of the Mouse.

Surely, the segulah would finally work!

Time to Change Direction – Both Spiritually & Practically

But not long after that, I saw the duct tape on the dryer funnel pushed aside to reveal the old holes and found more evidence of a rodent.

We need poison or traps as practical hishtadlut, I decided. We had traps left over from years ago.

Then the 6-year-old called out from the mamad (bomb shelter room), which also serves as a bedroom, “Here’s the mouse on the window!”

I rushed to see where he pointed and saw a large dark rodent stretched across the screen of an open bedroom window.

Cringing & squealing all the way (where is male privilege when you need it most?), I raced toward the window and slammed it shut, twisting the handle to lock it.

Together, my young son and I gazed at the shadowy figure through the frosted window.

Gosh, that really is such big mouse! I thought to myself.

Just then, our 22-year-old arrived home from yeshivah.

We showed him the shadowy figure still hanging on to the screen outside the frosted window.

"Look at the mouse!" we told him.

This son looked amused as he gazed at, then looked at me with a how-can-I-break-this-to-you smile and said, “That’s not a mouse.”

“Oh," I said. "I was afraid of that.”

“But it’s okay,” he reassured me. “I know how to take care of it.”

He likes to invent things and here was the opportunity to create a tzaar-baalei-chayim-free trap—a contraption to kill the rodent as painlessly & quickly as possible, promising to clean up the results himself (meaning, no squeamish clean-up for anyone lacking male privilege—because dealing with really gross clean-up is also part of male privilege).

While our older son worked away, the rat found a place to hide between the iron sliding door in the window frame (meant to protect inhabitants from flying shrapnel, but used by the rat as his own refuge) and the screen.

I felt grateful for the currently low risk of incoming missiles because I had no idea how we’d close the sliding iron door with a robust rat sitting in the way.

Finally, our son set up the trap on the ledge (protected by the window bars from falling to our neighbor’s yard below), included some luscious rat-bait, while the rat watched him from his hideout.

My son closed the window, I gave everyone stern instructions to keep the window closed no matter what, and then we waited.

I realized I'd functioned in Little-Red-Riding-Hood-mode, seeing all the signs of a wolf, but insisting that it was still Granny, just looking a little "off."

(Like, "Ooh, mouse! What a big tail you have! And what a large long body you have, mouse!")

It ended up being the catalyst I needed to put my heart into gratitude-mode.

During that time, I switched from confessing my sins to thanking Hashem for all sorts of things, both the good and the bad, as per the Song of the Rat.

Meanwhile, our older sons kept checking to see whether the rat was there.

We could see the shadow of the trap through the frosted glass. It remained intact with no sign of being tampered with.

Eluded Again

After a couple of days, our older sons combed the area.

No rat.

Bending his head out the window, a teenage son said, “Hey, there’s an air-conditioning unit sticking out here below the window.”

Figures.

Rats are both smart and agile enough to leap on to a unit below, then make their way to the ground.

Was it even the same rat?

We felt sure it was.

After all, he received such a warm welcome (and rescue) in our home. Why not return to such a compassionate family?

Hoping the rat would not return, we went on with life and I kept an eye out for signs of a rat.

They weren’t long in coming.

The Happy End (for us, not the rat)

The door to our small back yard doesn’t close properly unless locked, so maybe he came in that way.

The folksy rat-repellents of infusing the area with coffee grounds, cinnamon, eucalyptus oil, etc., did not repel our determined rat.

Finally, I really intensified my expressions of gratitude to Hashem, including thanking Him for this ratty nisayon because it really gave me the kick I needed out of a stuck place, helping me appreciate what I had in life.

I also went out and bought green chunks of rat poison.

Placing the chunks in his favorite hiding places (behind the oven and behind the little kitchen table in the corner), plus another outside his favorite entry point (the opening of the dryer funnel), I continued to thank Hashem for the good & for what I perceived as bad.

That night, I heard scrambling outside the screen where the dryer funnel stuck out.

Peeking over to see, the green block had disappeared.

A teenage son checked the area below with a flashlight.

No sign of the little green chunk.

I pictured the rat arriving home with the little green chunk: “Hey, Doris! Kids! Look what Daddy’s brought home for dinner!”

Since then, no evidence of any rodents have appeared.

The little green blocks of poison behind the oven and the kitchen table remain untouched.

The newfound gratitude also opened up bracha in other areas, like a child on shidduchim got engaged not long after, and other issues that felt "stuck" until then.

Thanks yet again, Hashem!

The False-Front of Trying to Get Help

30/8/2022

One of the aspects that frustrates me in this generation is the plethora of false resources.

You have all these classes for marriage & chinuch, support organizations, chessed organizations, social workers, therapists, rabbinical advisors, rebbetzins, etc....but when you encounter a problem as even slightly outside-the-box, all these same resources promoting their assistance end up failing miserably, showing themselves useless or even harmful.

(And when I mention rabbis or rebbetzins in this context, I DON'T mean the Gadolei/Gadolot Hador. I mean the lower-tier ones, who can be diamonds, mediocre, or really bad, depending.)

It's like the false-front buildings of America's Old West.

In reality, these structures were short-ceiling cramped stores. But the owners constructed impressive false fronts to give the impression of being spacious 2- or 3-story buildings.

False-front buildings at Deadman Ranch

And I still burn with resentment toward all the people who meant to help, but either proved useless or even harmful.

Not friends or well-meaning neighbors who gave well-intended yet incorrect advice by mistake. We're all guilty of this. That's forgivable because usually the person decides on their own to turn to us, and we respond as best we can based on whatever knowledge we had at that time.

Those are honest mistakes by well-intentioned people who cannot know better — forgivable.

But people who chose to serve in a particular position for a specific purpose — and then, due to their lack of care or middot, failed to fulfill that purpose.

The Social Worker that Didn't Work

For example, out of desperation, I yielded to (what was for me) the mortifying option of calling a social worker because one of my children behaved so challengingly, and nothing we did worked at all.

I explained the primary problem at that time: skipping school when he was only in elementary school.

He rode the bus to school, then just got off without entering the school gate, going wherever he wanted (including coming home and refusing to go back to school).

There wasn't something wrong at the school to make him act that way.

He's just an extremely energetic, independent, adventurous personality (born like that) who wants to DO things in life and not sit and learn how to do things—but rather live life with gusto every moment.

The social worker responded in a sympathetic manner, then said, "You know, I have a kid like that and I take him to school every morning and wait there to make sure he goes through the entrance."

"Really?" I said. "How do you manage that? Do you have other children? What do you do with them?"

"I take them with me."

"Really?!" Wow. How did she manage doing that on the bus during rush-hour every single morning in the pouring rain? (It was rainy winter season at that time.)

"Yeah," she said. "I take all my kids to their various schools and daycare in the morning and personally make sure they get wherever they need to go."

I felt she was avoiding giving me the full story. And then it dawned on me.

"Do you have car?" I said.

"Well, yes," she answered reluctantly, then quickly added, "But that doesn't matter."

"It doesn't?" I said. "Of course it matters. A car makes doing what you do possible. I don't see how I can do what you do using the bus. I have small children, including one that needs a stroller. How am I supposed to drop everyone off in the morning in the rain riding packed buses?"

"I don't know," she said, sympathetically. "But you need to find a way."

"But he runs," I said. "I can't catch him. I can't run after him through the rain pushing a stroller and holding on to other small children. Every morning? Even on my own, I wouldn't be able to catch him. He's much faster than me."

(Also, it's not modest for a grown woman to go racing through the streets. Also, I didn't think it was healthy for my younger children to be running with me in the rain & cold like that—even though they'd probably enjoy it. They liked their older brother tons and thoroughly enjoyed all the stuff he did, which they found so interesting and entertaining.)

In fact, the logistics seemed impossible. Our younger children attended gans near our home; I brought them there on foot.

How was I supposed to get this child to school on time AND get the younger children to where they needed to be—especially when their respective destinations lay at opposite ends of town? I could not take the younger ones first because their gans were not open that early.

She made more syrupy sympathetic noises, then said, "I understand it's difficult. But you just have to find a way. That's your job as his mother."

Ooh...so it's my fault for not finding a solution that doesn't exist. Ouch. I must be a real failure as a mother then.

"You know," I said, sincerely, "I'm wracking my brains to think of any kind of alternative, but simply do not see one."

"Could your husband do it?"

Could he?

No, of course not.

My husband davened in a minyan in the morning (of course), attended kollel full-time, then worked until he came home anywhere between midnight and 1 AM.

If he woke up earlier to catch an early minyan to be home in time to escort our son to school, when would my husband sleep? When would he eat breakfast?

Furthermore, while my husband has always been an extremely energetic and upbeat person (which is why he maintained and continues to maintain such a packed schedule) AND while my husband certainly possessed the ability to race off in pursuit of our fleeing son, it's still questionable whether hubby would be able to actually catch the boy.

And even if my husband managed to catch up with our son, how was he supposed to get him to school? By force? Drag the kid?

It's also super embarrassing to have to go running after your child in front of all the crowds of people out and about at that time.

And of course, the unspoken rule is my husband would be expected to do all this cheerfully and patiently. Almost first thing in the morning. Every day. In the rain and cold.

So I nicely explained to her why that wasn't feasible either.

"Do you have any suggestions?" I said. "Because I honestly cannot think of any way to accomplish what you recommend."

She didn't of course (because she was asking the impossible), and she just sympathetically repeated that we simply needed to do it because that's our responsibility as parents. (Nice guilt-trip there, too.)

Later, I confided this conversation to a friend who also admitted she experienced the same dynamic with the social worker.

For completely different reasons, this friend also mustered the courage to call the social worker for help. (Like me, she felt turning to social workers was only for really dysfunctional people, but also out of desperation for the good of her children, she felt she had no other choice.)

And it went the same way for her too: no realistic advice, no support (practical, financial, or emotional, nothing), nothing feasible at all, no understanding of her situation, nothing.

If You Can't Help, At Least Try Not to Hurt...Offer Good Words Instead!

I encountered this kind of thing repeatedly.

Not with everyone. There are real gems out there (like the rebbetzin who ultimately mentored me, as partly described here:www.myrtlerising.com/blog/allowing-others-their-own-lifes-journey).

What this social worker did was similar to the example given in the previous post about the legless men climbing a hill (www.myrtlerising.com/blog/the-ultimate-enemy-of-our-spiritual-success-in-this-world-and-how-to-ignore-its-voice).

It's as if the 2-legged man, the legless man on a horse, and the legless man in a helicopter all responded to requests for help from the legless man at the bottom of the hill by berating him, "WE made it over the hill! If WE can do it, then why can't you?"

"Well," the legless man replies, "I have no legs, horse, or helicopter—how can I make it up the hill?"

"You just need to find a way! If you really cared, you would do it! WE did it!"

"But you guys have resources that I don't...a helicopter, a horse, legs..."

"Doesn't matter! You need to find a solution!"

"I only have the use of my arms," the legless man replies. "And my arms aren't strong enough to pull my weight. Furthermore, dragging my body through the dirt and rocks would rip up my skin and clothes. Do you guys have any suggestions how I can get up the hill?"

Of course they don't. The only reason why they made it up the hill was due to their resources.

And that's exactly what the social worker did to me.

And while I remember this incident only occasionally, it burns me up every time.

She's a frum lady and I know I must give her the benefit of the doubt, but honestly? I profoundly despise her to this day.

Why?

Because I struggled so much to do right by this child and continually failed without knowing why.

(Eventually, learning the Enneagram & figuring out the mind of an Eight with a Seven-wing helped me tons.)

Everyone else's kids went to school (or so it seemed). Everyone else managed this task. Why couldn't I?

So when I finally decided to get professional help and call a social worker (though I dreaded taking this step for the reason described above), it was for the benefit of the child.

And I followed the rules. She's a social worker. Her job is to assist families with no resources who, despite their best efforts, find themselves in desperate straits.

She's paid to do this.

I called her during normal hours and spoke to her nicely and asked for some kind of help with exactly the kind of problem she is supposed to deal with.

And not only did I receive utter uselessness in return, but she couldn't even offer an encouraging word.

And guess what? She probably meant to help! She probably entered this profession with the intention of genuinely helping others. She probably believed her sympathetic attitude made up for her utter lack of competence.

(In retrospect, I find it puzzling why she did even recommend a child psychologist or chinuch expert to give me advice. Not that it would've helped, but it would at least show some effort on her part, rather than giving me the completely unrealistic & useless command she gave.)

Instead, I came away from the interaction not only with no solution, but also feeling like I'm this really bad, lazy, uncaring mother.

And (with some really fantastic exceptions) I ran into this kind of thing repeatedly, especially in the area of chinuch.

A lot of these people want you to feel bad while making themselves feel good.

That's their method.

Very self-indulgent...and mostly useless.

Note: It must be stated that some frum social workers, therapists, chinuch advisors, etc, are truly caring & intelligent people who are absolute diamonds in their field. The bad ones do not cancel out the diamonds. Social workers have literally saved lives! This one was deplorable at her job. But some are definitely lifesavers & should be acknowledged.

A Brief Postscript on That Kid

Oddly, I can't recall how this particular issue was resolved.

Later, in a yeshivah katanah (high school years) geared for these types of boys, my son still ran off to find adventure despite really liking the place, really liking and feeling liked by the staff, and finding popularity among his peers.

For example, he illegally entered a nature preserve, discovered some wild boar babies near a tree (whom he found extremely cute), and decided to play with them...not taking into consideration that their sharp-tusked protective mother must be nearby.

He quickly found out.

The mother boar charged my son, who just missed getting gored as he leapt out of the way and climbed a tree to safety.

Unfortunately, the baby boars all lay at the base of that tree and the mother boar kept charging at the tree, grunting and growling at my son up there, ripping at the tree, refusing to leave because she considered him a threat & wanted him out of the way.

He didn't mind, though. He found all her aggressive behavior entertaining. (And the babies were still cute to watch.)

Finally, he managed to get out of the tree and out of the nature preserve without getting caught.

When a couple of friends later asked him why he didn't try to maim or kill the wild boaress in self-defense, he said, "Nah...she was right to attack me. She just wanted to protect her babies."

Also, to be fair, I want to say he is a great person.

He's an adult now and he's hard-working, extremely responsible & reliable, funny, a loyal friend who will give you the shirt off his back if you need it, and a heart of gold under a gruff exterior.

He doesn't live at home right now (because while he loves Hashem doesn't reject Him, he doesn't want to be in the charedi world), but we still see him often enough. And he's very loveable.

I don't want to leave people with a false impression of our son, who is a wonderful person.

The False-Fronts of "Help"

Some people fail through lack of trying.

(Please see this post, which explains the difference between actually trying & feeling like you're trying: www.myrtlerising.com/blog/what-it-mean-to-try-why-people-confuse-suffering-with-hishtadlut-and-what-to-do-about-it)

But some people try very hard, even going totally against their nature, twisting themselves into a hopeless pretzel...only to crash & burn in the process.

And then when that mangled struggler cries out for assistance, a self-appointed assistant goes up to the crushed and burned person — and kicks that crushed person in the face with a steel-pointed boot.

(And just for knowing, this scenario occurs even WORSE—with some exceptions—in the secular/non-Jewish world. I personally witnessed or heard directly from the source dozens of terrible examples. The secular/non-Jewish world remains in complete denial about this, but I cannot forget what I saw and heard myself.)

And well-meaning people encourage all the time: "Ask for help if you need it! Don't be afraid to ask for help!"

And I'm like, "Ask for help? It'd me more effective & less painful to ram my head against a brick wall."

People like the above social worker conditioned me: NEVER ask for help.

I likely won't get it.

Or it'll come in a very ugly harmful way, which helps but also causes unnecessary pain too for no reason other than the ego-pleasures of the so-called "helper."

Or not only won't help be received, but the person promoted as "the helper" will stick in a knife and twist it.

At this point, I only ask a rav about halachah. I need to know the law, of course.

But advice? No way.

NOT always! Definitely not always. There are many wonderful people in all venues.

There can definitely exist the right shaliach for you (which might not be the right shaliach for someone else and vice-versa).

But I see it's increasingly harder to find them.

Steel-Toed Kick in the Face: Is It Necessary? Occasionally. It Depends.

Having said that, sometimes hearing the truth about yourself or your situation can also feel like a steel-toed kick in the face.

Occasionally, that's what's best, despite how much it hurts.

But usually, the painful truth does not help the person at all.

For example, a charedi-from-birth man, who only got married in his 30s, once confided how people told him he wasn't getting married because he was afraid of commitment.

In hindsight, he admits that was partly true.

But at the time, he simply did not know what to do with that information.

Informing him of his fear of committment did not help him at all; it only made him feel defective.

(P.S. He ended up very happily married to a wonderful woman and they raised an exceptionally good family.)

A lot of people, for example, married to an abusive spouse, suffering through a toxic relationship, dealing with an addict, etc., cannot hear the truth about their situation.

If you tell them (especially if you tell them angrily or condescendingly), it doesn't help at all. Sometimes, it even makes things worse.

But sometimes, it IS the right thing to do.

It depends.

(BTW, you do have the right to protect your own nefesh. If it makes you feel ill, despondent, or crazy to constantly hear about how wonderful & fabulous their toxic spouse/friend/parent/child/mentor is & how much they looooove the insufferable jerk, you have a right to put some space between the two of you. If it's hurting you and not helping them, then why bother?)

Encouragement & Tikkun

The good result from these awful, unfair experiences is they taught me to encourage people rather than trash them or blame them.

Not that I always say the right thing. I don't.

But I really, really try.

Even when a person is to blame for a lot of their mess, it's usually not helpful to blame them.

Encourage them instead.

As discussed previously (www.myrtlerising.com/blog/what-it-mean-to-try-why-people-confuse-suffering-with-hishtadlut-and-what-to-do-about-it & Some Thoughts on Codependency, What Judaism Says about Dealing with Difficult People, and Some Recommended Torah Methods), some problems don't have solutions.

Or they don't have immediate solutions.

But most of the time, there's something you can do within yourself as your tikkun, whether it improves the situation or not.

And also don't be too afraid or discouraged to progress in baby-steps.

It's true there's a lot of pressure toward grand gestures and overwhelming acts of whatever, but whenever you cannot manage the grand gestures, baby-steps are a wonderful option.

Really. Yes!

Related posts:
www.myrtlerising.com/blog/a-tzaddiks-example-listen-empathize-encourage

www.myrtlerising.com/blog/chinuch-parenting-how-to-utilize-modern-experts-advice-plus-warning-signs-to-beware-of

The Ultimate Enemy of Our Spiritual Success in This World — And How to Ignore Its Voice

29/8/2022

A friend forwarded to me the Bitachon Magazine for Parshat Re'eh (thanks, NEJ!) and a message from Devorah Silberman's article jumped out; it really spoke to a major issue with which I struggle (partly from myself & partly due to the criticism from others); boldface & underline my own addition:

Rebbe Avraham Yaakov, the Sadigura Rebbe zy'a would often share that “a person can...complete their purpose in this olam hatikun (World of Fixing) as long as they don’t say two words: "ilu hayiti" ''which means "if only I was...”

So often we are plagued by gnawing feelings of self-doubt.

Sometimes we might see another person's professional advancement, or hatzlacha, and the voice of Korach appears inside our head:

"If only... if only I had a better position. If only I was somewhere else, had a different job, had more money, more political influence, more spiritual authority or charisma, a higher IQ, then I would be....”

***

We can only complete our Tikun by discovering good fortune in whatever our role is right now.

For when a Jew truly desires to serve Hashem, he can do so wherever he is.

With our Avodas Hashem, we look at others and immediately yearn for their Hatzlacha, their families, their health, their strengths, their abilities.

We feel a yearning to serve Hashem with our “preferred life” instead.

But not always is the life we want what Hashem wants from us at the moment for our Tikkun and purpose.

We have to keep remembering the quote above:

“Everyone is given the exact character traits, circumstances and challenges that they need to be considered successful in their mission in this world.”

(To subscribe, send an email to: bitachonmagazine@gmail.com)

You need to be strong within yourself to do this.

Unfortunately, a lot of people (including some you turn to for guidance) denigrate strugglers by saying, "Well, Everybody Else is able to do it. Why can't you?" Or, "What do you think Everyone Else is doing? How do you think Everyone Else is managing?" Or, "Of cooooourse...EVERYBODY knows THAT! Why didn't YOU?"

This mysterious entity named Everyone Else was ruining my life. No matter how hard I tried or have fast I "ran," I remained an utter failure compared to the oh-so perfect and much-lauded Everyone Else.

Sometimes, I really wanted to hunt down this mysterious entity name Everybody Else and strangle her.

She thwarted me every step of the way. I could never scrape myself out of failure as long as she was around.

She was always there, mashing me back down.

But gradually, I realized the difference in resources.

There is not comparison to Everybody Else.

For example, a one-legged man needs to climb a hill differently than a 2-legged man.

And a legless man needs to climb a hill using a different method than either.

Some people receive golf carts, mopeds, a horse, or even a helicopter to make it up the hill.

Even when looking at similar situations, the resources available still differ.

For example, can you compare the climb of a legless man who uses a horse or a helicopter to the climb of a legless man without any equipment?

The legless man in a helicopter doesn't even climb.

Should the two-legged man sneer at the legless man who needs a horse to make it over the hill?

Should the legless man wizzing about in the helicopter lord himself over the legless men below, boasting, "If I can make it over the hill, then anyone can!"

No. Each situation is so different, even the ones that superficially look the same.

So that's what it is.

And for the sake of repairing our souls, Hashem wants each of us to serve Him with our individual strengths & resources...but also with our individual flaws & lack of resources.

What It Means to "Try"? Why People Confuse Suffering with Hishtadlut and What to Do about It

28/8/2022

This blog repeatedly mentions the concept of "trying."

Trying.

Making an effort.

Hishtadlut.

Hishtadlus.

Whatever term you use in whatever language, the concept stands as a fundamental value in Torah Judaism.

However, many people mistake suffering for hishtadlut.

Unfortunately, this mistake blocks good people from actually making the effort they need to make in order to achieve their tikkun (rectification, repair).

So I thought it might help to discuss why people confuse the two concepts and how to make the transition from "just" suffering to actually trying.

An Example of Suffering Mistaken for Hishtadlut/Trying

We often encounter the following:

A person describes a continuing problem in their life in the following manner.

They describe how bad it makes them feel, how much they suffer.
They describe their usual auto-response (which either never changes or reveals only 1 of 2 responses each time).
They conclude with something like, "Oh, well. Nothing to do except just keep trying" or "Oh, well. Gotta just keep working on those middot."

But how does automatically responding the same way each time display any effort on their part?

How does automatically responding the same way each time show any kind of middot work?

When a person automatically follows the same script each time, how does that fall into the category of "trying" or "working on middot?"

It DOESN'T.

But it FEELS like it does.

Why is that?

Clear Examples of Physical Effort & Emotional Effort

Why does suffering trick people into feeling like they're trying?

Well, first of all, a certain amount of strain always accompanies any kind of effort.

Whether it's physical, emotional, or mental, making an effort comes via strain or pain.

Physical example:
A marathon runner feels no strain regarding a leisurely walk through the park.

He considers it "effortless."

But a marathon runner feels strain during a marathon: the endurance, the pacing, etc. — a certain amount of pain and strain is involved as he encounters the need to PUSH himself — in other words, he needs to try harder, make more of an effort, to complete the marathon.

Likewise, a person physically disabled or out-of-shape experiences a walk in a park as a challenge.

He experiences physical strain as he pushes himself to complete a short walk along a straight, smooth path at a slow pace.

In either case, the person at certain points of the walk or marathon may experience a lack of enjoyment and even pure agony because of the suffering caused by their efforts and strain.

Regardless of the person's physical condition, we see their hishtadlus in how they PROACTIVELY PUSH themselves to complete a challenging physical activity.

Emotional example:
An unmotivated or depressed person finds it difficult to get out of bed early in the morning.

Someone dreading their day's demands (getting children ready for school, driving in traffic or bad weather, dealing with stresses at work or school, a series of undesirable tasks waiting for them, etc.) can also find it hard to get out of bed, feeling like there's nothing to look forward to but stress that day.

So the effort of pushing themselves to their feet causes a certain amount of suffering.

They DON'T WANT to get out of bed.

But they must.

Doing something they don't want, something they don't like, causes a certain amount of suffering.

So they do it anyway; they make the effort and succeed in getting out of bed—and suffer all the while.

Physical & Emotional Suffering Combined
Let's say an out-of-shape obese depressed person needs to walk for health reasons and the only time they have exists in the early morning hours.

Such a person experiences emotional suffering as he forces himself to wake up on time to do something he does not want to do, something he does not enjoy doing.

And then he experiences physical suffering as he huffs and puffs down the path of the park.

So he makes an emotional effort just to wake up on time, and then a physical effort to complete his challenging but necessary walk.

Again, these are just a handful of examples out of many more.

So we see that a certain amount of pain (or strain, if you prefer) accompanies any kind of effort.

Maybe a tiny amount of pain or a huge amount of pain. Or suffering. Or strain. Or stress.

However you define that, it always accompanies hishtadlut.

Even joyful hishtadlus contains an element of strain.

(This includes middot work, which is yet another example of trying.)

Examples of Physical Suffering & Emotional Suffering with NO Effort or Trying Involved

So now we know what effort/hishtadlut/trying looks & feels like, let's examine what is NOT "trying"/hishtadlut/effort.

Physical Suffering
An obese out-of-shape person receives the diagnosis of high blood pressure and bad knees potentially requiring surgery, plus the onset of diabetes solely due to lifestyle.

The person continues to sit on the couch watching cat videos and eating jumbo smores while wincing in pain whenever he needs to move his knees, plus feeling dizzy & irritable from all the sugar & chemicals.

Is this person making any kind of effort to improve his health or his life?

NO.

Even the effort needed to move his knees isn't considered hishtadlut because he isn't moving them to solve his health problems.

Continuing exactly this way not only does NOT solves his problems, but exacerbates his problems.

No middot work or effort involved.

Just suffering.

Emotional Suffering
With every fiber of his being, a depressed person does not want to get out of bed in the morning.

But his wife, recently after a Caesarean birth and dealing with another 3 kids under the age of 6, desperately needs his help to get them off to school after a sleepless and stressful night with a crying newborn.

His wife and children also desperately need him to go to work so their finances don't crash.

He responds one of two ways:

He hunkers down under the covers, crying while feeling profound lethargy & despair.
He screams horribly at his wife for making him feel worse when he already feels so bad.

And let's say this scenario repeats itself every day throughout the day.

He definitely suffers, but is he trying?

NO.

He's making no effort to deal with his depression in any way.

He also shows no effort toward working on the middot of compassion, gratitude, combating sadness & idleness, etc.

Examples of Not Trying vs Trying (i.e., Changing the Script vs Acting Out the Same Script Again & Again)

What's a common scenario with marital problems?

Let's say a husband yells at his wife.

And she AUTOMATICALLY responds ALL THE TIME in the same one of 4 ways:

She shuts down. She sits there either not responding at all or crying helplessly for the duration.
She runs into another room, locking the door after her, maybe putting on earphones so she doesn't hear. Or she runs out of the house.
She promises to be better, to do whatever he demands, no matter how impossible.
She yells back at him.

And the above scenario replays itself every day, several times a day, for weeks, months, or years.

Now of course, her situation is extremely painful and sympathetic.

And women in such situations will say, "I'm constantly trying, but there's no improvement."

But if she constantly responds in exactly the same way (or one of two ways, like maybe sometimes she screams and other times she sits there crying wordlessly), where do you see any effort on her part?

She's definitely suffering, but she makes no effort to change the script or the dynamic.

TRYING calls for her to respond in a way she finds unnatural or even scary.

For example, a wife who always fights fire with fire should NOT shout in response.

That's her challenge.

What could she do instead?

Example #1:
She could say, "I'm willing to discuss this calmly. When you are ready to discuss this calmly, feel free to let me know. Until them, I'm going to [choose activity of choice: sew a button, finish davening, go to work, tap dance while juggling mini-bean bags, sing Canada's national anthem, etc.]."

Example #2
She could try to reorient BOTH of them to the real issue at hand:
"Wait a minute—hold on, hold on, hold on here...you claim you can't find your keys because a thief somehow entered the home to ONLY stole your car keys...but let's try another solution. When was the last time you saw them? Let's work back from that."

Example #3
Say without emotion, "You can make your own coffee."

Example #4
She can stand there glaring at him with steam fuming out of her ears, but her mouth firmly shut.

Example #5
She can guide her thoughts to ponder, "What is Hashem lovingly trying to tell me by using my spouse's unpleasant behavior? What message is in this for me?" And become so absorbed in these thoughts that she tunes out her husband's diatribe.

Any of the above examples (and many more!) change the script and display a real effort on her part.

They are all legitimate alternatives to an escalating shouting match.

Also, it's important to note that sometimes, someone truly willing to try runs the gamut of all 4 options.

That's all they can think of.

And it might even prove effective.

That's fine...at first.

For example, someone who freezes or breaks down needs tremendous inner fortitude to make herself move in that situation—especially after she made a chazakah of always freezing or always breaking down.

So if she uses superhuman inner strength to pull herself from her rooted position and run to her room to block his shouting with music, that's fine.

That's definitely hishtadlut!

And so, therefore...what is hishtadlus for one person can be a stuck pattern in need of change for another person.

The point is to go AGAINST your nature.

Go AGAINST your automatic response.

When Externally Rational Behavior is Internally Irrational

The afterward of the above scenario often also evidences effort or lack of.

For example, a wife may approach her husband later to explain why he needs to change.

Sometimes, the husband's repeated response is to blow up again, accuse her of being deluded...or he might agree with her (in theory).

Interestingly, a lot of otherwise dysfunctional or mentally ill husbands may tell the wife, "Yes, you're right, you're right, you're right"—and then do absolutely nothing to change in any way.

Such wives will view themselves as "trying" to improve their marriage or husband, saying, "I keep explaining to him why his behavior is harmful/halachically incorrect. I keep telling him, 'Don't you want our children to grow up in a happy and emotionally healthy home? Don't you want us to have shalom bayis?' And he says yes, but then doesn't do anything to change. I keep trying, but nothing works."

Initially, this can be considered as "trying."

Yes, it's good to attempt to calmly discuss and explain the problem.

But if it repeats itself with no improvement & only draining frustration, then it no longer falls under the category of "trying."

And I know wives who consistently repeat these same useless run-around conversations for YEARS...with no results.

The same holds true for their arguments.

NOTHING ever changes. For years!

It's the same conversation, debate, or argument EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Yet because they find these conversations so draining and frustrating (i.e. painful), they label their repeated & impotent script as "trying."

But again, as long as she repeats this script with no change, she simply goes according to her natural inclinations (with no thought, change, or attempt at solving the problem in a different way). Therefore, this is NOT "trying."

Regardless of how much she suffers, she simply allows herself to fall into the same pattern again and again and again.

That's not trying. That's "just" suffering.

Changing Your Perception as a Form of Effort

Sometimes, the hishtadlus applies to your perception.

It can be scary and/or heartbreaking to see someone for who they really are.

But if your spouse really is a criminal (as opposed to merely "being influenced by bad friends," then you need to be honest with yourself about that.

If your child really is a drug addict, you need to acknowledge that (as opposed to claiming "he's just go through a normal, temporary—albeit difficult—phase right now...one that's oddly lasted for 7 years so far....").

You may need to realize your "best friend" is actually a psychopath.

(I know someone in denial like this. She attended schools for the gifted, holds a university degree, and always works in upper positions, plus she's a caring person, but she is really dumb with regard to person she considers her "best friend.")

You may need to acknowledge your mother really does not love you.

(Animals nurture their young by instinct. The same mama who risks her life to defend her young may conversely eat them or neglect them to death under different circumstances—I'm looking at you, lionesses and mama bears. As one mammal curator said about animal offspring devoured by their own mothers: "They become a resource; one she can't afford to waste." Unfortunately, some human mothers' instincts work that way too.)

Some people really don't mean well and never (or rarely) will.

It's never easy (though sometimes it's also a relief).

You can acknowledge a person's good points without it meaning they are overall good.

Some people have one or two good qualities or occasionally do a good act, but overall, they are bad people.

But seeing a person for who they really are can also be a form of hishtadlus.

(And after you get over the initial heartbreak, fear, and shock, the truth really can set you free.)

Fear & Dread are NORMAL

Many times, the thought of changing a behavior or response is terrifying.

Standing up to bully is terrifying (especially after an ingrained pattern of submission).

Engaging in a behavior that makes you feel weak or threatened or overwhelmed or victimized (like remaining silent in the face of a verbal attack when every fiber of your being tells you to attack back with everything you've got) can be understandably very scary.

(Clarification: Feeling victimized or threatened doesn't mean you actually ARE. It CAN mean that, but some of the most aggressive & intimidating bullies are those who FEEL like they'll be victimized if they don't behave that way.)

New behaviors mean feeling off-balance until you get the hang of it.

It's very uncomfortable, possibly terrifying...and feeling that way is completely normal.

(Please see here for more on that issue: www.myrtlerising.com/blog/whats-stopping-you-from-making-real-change)

Sometimes making a dramatic change in behavior works best; other times, making very gradual changes via baby-steps works best.

It's exhausting, scary, and dreadful to face the response of extreme anger, rejection, or lie-based slander.

I've experienced these and it's grueling...at least, in the beginning.

Sometimes, the fear is based on other people and sometimes it derives from within yourself.

But it is nonetheless important to move forward regardless of the fear.

(Just you need to decide HOW to change the pattern and at what pace. Please do not feel you MUST go by the latest pop-psych trend or what psychology articles—and your friends who read them—insist you do.)

Results aren't Necessarily the Determining Factor in "Trying"

Sometimes, you won't see a result no matter what you do.

With some extremely dysfunctional people, all you can do is determine the appropriate response according to good middot and hold firm with that.

Lack of positive results does NOT indicate failure in such a situation.

The fact that you actually try is all that matters.

Fails, Ups 'n' Downs, Falling Smack on Your Face, Mistakes, Etc.

Finally, ups and downs, fails, etc., do not mean you aren't trying.

For example, someone whose auto-response is to fight fire with fire will sometimes find themselves firing back with everything they've got, no matter how much they meant to respond otherwise.

So you can try.

You can try very, very hard.

And you can still experience failure.

The difference is whether you sometimes manage to catch yourself in thought and make some attempt to change the script, to act out an alternative behavior.

Also, genuine attempts should result (at least sometimes) in different behavior and not the same response each time.

But your times of failure (if it's REAL failure, and not just an excuse to engage in the exact same pattern repeatedly) DO indicate "trying" and do not mean you are merely suffering without making any effort.

It All Depends on Your Unique God-Given Nature & Circumstances

This subject is a bit complex because so much depends on individual traits and natures.

As we progress in our character development, what was once legitimate hishtadlus becomes a no-longer-acceptable pattern, which needs another bump forward.

(Sort of like a woman who starts off with tsniyus by rejecting her miniskirts & skinny jeans, only wearing very loose pants. As a start, it's highly laudable. But if she never progresses to wearing long not-tight skirts, then her continuation of loose pants indicates she's stuck.)

It boils down to being honest with yourself and knowing Hashem knows what's in your heart.

As many verses in Tehillim remind us, Hashem knows what's in our hearts and "kidneys"—meaning, He knows how much we're really trying (or not).

It's very individual.

And the rule of thumb to keep in mind is as explained at the beginning:

Trying entails suffering. But suffering does not mean you're trying.

May Hashem please guide us to complete all our tikkunim sweetly in this lifetime.

Rav Itamar Schwartz Explains the Secret behind the Success of the Tzaddik who Falls 7 Times before Succeeding

22/8/2022

This is from a recent Bilvavi email regarding teshuvah and Elul.

According to the text below, one prime difference between a tzaddik and a regular person is the tzaddik believes Hashem gives him the koach to fix himself; he knows he doesn't have it on is own.

But that's okay in the tzaddik's eyes because HASHEM can grant him success.

A regular person relies on himself, on his abilities & strengths, which brings despair after the first couple of falls.

"I can't do it," he says. "So there is no hope. I simply don't have what it takes. It's not who I am."

But the one who eventually becomes a tzaddik says, "I can't do it...but HASHEM can! I don't have what it takes...but HASHEM does! It's not who I am right now...but HASHEM can change that!"

Here are the words of Rav Itamar Schwartz (boldface my addition):

From where does a tzaddik have the power to fall and get up and fall and get up again?

A regular person, if he falls once or twice, says to himself, “I fell and tried to get up but couldn’t do it, so the next time I will fall, I will not be able to get up either.”

If he fell twice and couldn’t get up, on the third time he will feel that now he has a chazakah, and for sure will not be able to get up.

But a tzaddik believes that Hashem gives him koach to fix himself.

With the power that Hashem gives, one can succeed in anything.

If it was my own power, it is limited and I can’t succeed, but if I receive every day a new power, the question is Who gave me the power?

On this Chazal say:

“Hashem li b’ozrai — Hashem is my helper.”

Therefore even if in the past you failed, a person knows that Hashem helps him.

Therefore there is never a place of despair because he knows that Hashem will help him even if he fell many times.

Roses in bloom in Eretz Yisrael

When Just Going Through the Motions Works Out Really Well

16/8/2022

Can't remember the exact source for the following idea, but I come across it constantly with regard to authentic Jewish self-improvement:

Just by regularly learning an area of self-improvement, then in Shamayim you are judged as if you had been doing teshuvah in that area EVEN IF YOU HAVE NOT MASTERED THAT AREA.

Meaning, let's say you're a woman still not upholding the necessary standards of tsniyus (dressing & behaving with modesty & dignity).

However, if you make a daily practice of learning one halacha or more of tsniyut each day, it is counted as an accomplishment in the area of tsniyut.

In other words, you won't be judged by the level at which you appear to be, but by the level which you strive to be.

The same holds true for guarding one's tongue, one's eyes, keeping Shabbat, and much, much more.

Rabbi Yehuda Mandel brings several stories of people who merited success, blessing, and even miracles just by learning Sha'ar Ha Bitachon/Gate of Trust in Chovot HaLevavot/Duties of the Heart.

Even if they failed to internalize the principles within, just the act of learning bitachon brought them unexpected good.

Hashem never expects us to be perfect. He only expects us to try.

What Yeshayahu Foretells for Our Generation

14/8/2022

The Me'am Loez (The Book of Yeshayahu, pages 17-22) on Yeshayahu/Isaiah Chapter 2 contains illuminating messages regarding Yehudah (Jews) and Yerushalayim:

Note:
Most of the following Hebrew text & English translations come from here:
https://mechon-mamre.org/p/pt/pt1002.htm

Yeshayahu 2:2

And it shall come to pass in the end of days, that the mountain of the LORD'S house shall be established as the top of the mountains, and shall be exalted above the hills; and all nations shall flow unto it.

וְהָיָה בְּאַחֲרִית הַיָּמִים, נָכוֹן יִהְיֶה הַר בֵּית-ה' בְּרֹאשׁ הֶהָרִים, וְנִשָּׂא, מִגְּבָעוֹת; וְנָהֲרוּ אֵלָיו, כָּל-הַגּוֹיִם

ME'AM LOEZ:

"And it will come to pass" — a phrase denoting a new world order — after the refinement process of the previous chapter, that there will be a most profound change in the nature of man.

Mankind will abandon all modern and subtle forms of idolatry and make the leap of faith up to God.

Not only the Jewish people will return to God wholeheartedly, but also with all the gentile nations.

They will forsake the mountains, symbolic and real upon which they worshipped their gods, and together with their children and wives — "all of the nations" — they will come "flocking" to Him, running up the "Mountain of the House of God," the Temple Mount.

How great will be the common rejoicing of man on that day!

This will all come to pass in the days of the Mashiach.

Right now, we're seeing a warped version of this.

Nations go up to the Temple Mount today, not to return to Hashem wholeheartedly, but to express the dominance of their false beliefs, whether its an anti-Torah religion or atheist visitors treating the holy place like just another tourist attraction.

Furthermore, the non-Jewish presence infiltrating Eretz Yisrael today represents the opposite of that predicted by the Navi.

These non-Jews have not abandoned their idolatry of any kind and make no leap of faith to Hashem Elokai Yisrael.

On the contrary, they do everything they can to poison Am Yisrael with false & harmful beliefs, whether in the form of religious missionaries or secular gentile immigrants who wish to make the Holy Land a secular non-Jewish country in which THEY can feel perfectly comfortable according to their own anti-Torah standards.

The authentic Mashiach-led "new world order" still lies in our future.

The "new world order" plotted among world leaders today is led by the worst of humanity.

Please note the Me'am Loez specifies how the innate positive change in human nature, the proactive acknowledgement of Hashem's Mastery, and the new world order will occur AFTER Mashiach comes: "in the days of Mashiach."

We may be at the End of Days, but have not yet arrived at the "days of Mashiach."

Mashiach has not yet been revealed.

Yeshayhu 2:3

And many peoples shall go and say: 'Come ye, and let us go up to the mountain of the LORD, to the house of the God of Jacob; and He will teach us of His ways, and we will walk in His paths.' For out of Zion shall go forth [Torah], and the word of the LORD from Jerusalem.

וְהָלְכוּ עַמִּים רַבִּים, וְאָמְרוּ לְכוּ וְנַעֲלֶה אֶל-הַר-יְהוָה אֶל-בֵּית אֱלֹהֵי יַעֲקֹב, וְיֹרֵנוּ מִדְּרָכָיו, וְנֵלְכָה בְּאֹרְחֹתָיו: כִּי מִצִּיּוֹן תֵּצֵא תוֹרָה, וּדְבַר-יְהוָה מִירוּשָׁלִָם

ME'AM LOEZ:

This change will take place first among those nations nearest to the Land of Israel, who will then go and draw their fellow gentile neighbors "to go up to the Mountain of God."

They will come in droves to learn "His ways" of faith and follow "His paths" of proper behavior.

They will come to see that true faith — "[Torah]" — comes only "from Jerusalem" and the true rules of behavior — the word of God — come only "from Zion."

As shown on any world map, the "nations nearest to the Land of Israel" are Muslim-Arab nations.

According to the Me'am Loez, they will be the first to experience this new change, and draw their neighbors after them.

Interestingly, a glance at the world map shows the neighbors of our neighbors (depending on which direction) as the African continent and the Asian continent, with the Soviet states taking up a huge chunk of that Asian "neighborhood."

Europe lies beyond the Soviet states & two seas (the Mediterranean & the Black Sea).

And the Americas, plus the countries of Oceania, lie even farther away.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I always thought people assume the new change will either occur simultaneously OR Edom will play a big part.

But the Me'am Loez presents a very different order of events.

Also, Sefer Ovadia discusses the burning destruction of Edom, and the complete annihilation of Esav, in verse 18.

In verse 8 of Sefer Ovadia, Malbim states that understanding will perish from Mount Esav, people will be stunned, confused, and "eat straw," and die in the War of Gog.

Here, Malbim defines Har/Mount Esav as the head of Edom, which he says is "little Rome."

(I guess meaning not the Roman empire, but Rome itself, which today hosts Vatican City.)

Yes, Har Esav is considered a geographical location near Eretz Yisrael, and the Malbim uses that too, but this is Malbim's interpretation of Mount Esav in this verse — an interpretation which makes a lot of sense, if you think about it.

Anyway, I think what's foretold throughout Neviim is very different than many people's assumptions.

And going back to the original point:

It's important to note that these nations will come NOT to influence us but to LEARN THE TRUTH from us.

Again, this is the opposite of what occurs today.

Unfortunately, many Jews place the idea of Zionism on such a high pedestal that any non-Jew (no matter how much of an idolater or menuval) who claims to support Zionism receives fawning approbation, even from Jews who should know better.

However, the main goal is keeping the TORAH'S values.

With few exceptions, that's not happening...yet.

By extracting from its purely religious context the mitzvah of JEWS settling the Land & warping it into a political ideal (which originally included Communism), Zionism has made room for all sorts of anti-Torah attitudes & behaviors paradoxically considered worthy & respected.

But the whole point of ANYONE coming to Eretz Yisrael to learn more about what Hashem wants from all of us.

Anyone who comes to Eretz Yisrael to do otherwise is NOT fulfilling what is written here.

Yeshayahu 2:4

And He shall judge between the nations, and shall decide for many peoples; and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks; nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.

וְשָׁפַט בֵּין הַגּוֹיִם, וְהוֹכִיחַ לְעַמִּים רַבִּים; וְכִתְּתוּ חַרְבוֹתָם לְאִתִּים, וַחֲנִיתוֹתֵיהֶם לְמַזְמֵרוֹת--לֹא-יִשָּׂא גוֹי אֶל-גּוֹי חֶרֶב, וְלֹא-יִלְמְדוּ עוֹד מִלְחָמָה

ME'AM LOEZ:

But even as those gentile nations come up to God, God will rebuke them for their being "many" — for their being divided into warring factions and for their not bringing true peace on earth.

He will then "judge between them" and resolve for all time their border disputes which gave rise to their wars.

All the world's nations will then renounce war and destroy all their weaponry.

And as reparations for their persecuting the Jews, they will put their war technology —their "swords and spears" — to the peaceful use of reclaiming the Land of Israel.

All this God will do through His servant, the Mashiach, who will "judge between the nations" in God's Name at the Temple Mount.

Interestingly, as the nations rush up to the Temple Mount to learn the authentic rules of decent behavior, they will encounter rebuke, along with a re-organizing of their authentic boundaries.

This brings yet more proof why we should not take sides in the Russian-Ukrainian war: Mashiach will inform them of the real boundaries of their countries.

(For more reasons, please start here: does-an-unwinnable-unrecoverable-war-justify-massive-destruction-displacement-trauma-and-loss-why-does-so-much-of-the-media-insist-all-this-chaos-is-such-a-positive-unavoidable-turn-of-events.html )

Mashiach will work it out according to Hashem's intentions.

Furthermore, all their war technology will be utilized in the "peaceful use" of a Jewish return to Eretz Yisrael.

Again, a warped version of this parallels the Iron Dome, a gentile-invented war technology used to protect Jews in Eretz Yisrael, but as a military device, not peaceful use.

And the reason why the great despiser of Israel, Obama, allowed Jews in Israel to buy the Iron Dome is to perfect the Iron Dome for American defense, if necessary.

In other words, the purpose of the Iron Dome in Israel is human experimentation with the Jews as guinea pigs which, in Hashem's Great Chessed, has worked out very well for the Jews in Eretz Yisrael.

Yeshayahu 2:5

O house of Jacob, come ye, and let us walk in the light of the LORD

'בֵּית, יַעֲקֹב--לְכוּ וְנֵלְכָה, בְּאוֹר ה

ME'AM LOEZ:

Peace will reign on earth and all peoples of the world will now seek only God.

The nations will then beg the Jewish people to lead the way, seeing themselves as unworthy: "House of Jacob, let us — teach us how to — walk in the Light of God.

But this itself will be a great rebuke for the Jewish people.

Here, the nations who never experienced the Light of God are ready to give up everything just in order to get closer to Him; all the more so should we, the Jewish people, forsake our own internal fighting and come together to serve God:

"House of Jacob, let us walk together in the Light of God."

In contrast to the above verses, this one hints to our behavior prior to Mashiach.

While the nations lack the Light of God received via the Torah now, we DO have access to it!

So we should put aside our internal strife NOW to come together in avodat Hashem.

Please note the emphasis on coming together to SERVE HASHEM.

It's not about feel-good associations with people who refuse to even consider doing teshuvah.

The message of the Navi from Hashem clearly states our joining together in achdut must be toward the common goal of serving Hashem.

Yeshayahu 2:6-8

כִּי נָטַשְׁתָּה, עַמְּךָ בֵּית יַעֲקֹב--כִּי מָלְאוּ מִקֶּדֶם, וְעֹנְנִים כַּפְּלִשְׁתִּים; וּבְיַלְדֵי נָכְרִים, יַשְׂפִּיקוּ
וַתִּמָּלֵא אַרְצוֹ כֶּסֶף וְזָהָב, וְאֵין קֵצֶה לְאֹצְרֹתָיו; וַתִּמָּלֵא אַרְצוֹ סוּסִים, וְאֵין קֵצֶה לְמַרְכְּבֹתָיו
וַתִּמָּלֵא אַרְצוֹ, אֱלִילִים: לְמַעֲשֵׂה יָדָיו יִשְׁתַּחֲווּ, לַאֲשֶׁר עָשׂוּ אֶצְבְּעֹתָיו

(6) For Thou hast forsaken Thy people the house of Jacob; for they are replenished from the east, and with soothsayers like the Philistines, and they please themselves in the brood of aliens.
(7) Their land also is full of silver and gold, neither is there any end of their treasures; their land also is full of horses, neither is there any end of their chariots.
(8) Their land also is full of idols; every one worships the work of his own hands, that which his own fingers have made.

ME'AM LOEZ:

But You, God, did not forsake Your People to gentile persecution without reason — the Jewish people themselves are to blame: "they filled their land with sorcery, gold and silver, steed and idolatry."

And you, Jewish people, yourselves "forsook Your people-ness" by becoming like the gentiles rather than being God's people.

Your forsook the ways handed down to you by the ancestors and took up "brainchild" philosophies of the gentiles.

***

You have degraded your humanness by "stooping to your own handiwork": to your sorcery, gold and steed — to your wisdom, wealth and power.

How low have you fallen to subordinate man to these inanimate and external things!

OUCH.

That's some rebuke.

And I couldn't help thinking "Facebook" as I read it.

Or "Google," another problematic stooge originally invented (at least in part) by assimilated Jews.

Even though these Internet poisons were not invented in Israel, a lot of the technology they use has its root in the Israeli hi-tech industry.

And could the magic of instant communication and all the other wizardry of hi-tech be considered a type of "sorcery" by the Navi speaking millennia ago?

Furthermore, "inanimate and external" are perfect descriptions of smartphones and tablets.

And also of TVs and radios!

Unfortunately, the lure of social media and all sorts of other platforms sucked in and continues to suck in many religious Jews, who imitate what they see promoted on their tablets and smartphones, whether they imitate it outright or try to work out a frum version of it ("You have degraded your humanness by 'stooping to your own handiwork' ").

As for the "brainchild" philosophies (wonder what the original Hebrew for that intriguing term?), so many Jews today (including well-intentioned frum Jews) promote psychological and political theories, regardless of how superficial or at odds with Torah values.

And how many twist themselves into pretzels to cram Torah thought into the image of whatever current scientific theories come into in vogue?

It's a tragic truth that today, many Jews do indeed forsake their own special "people-ness" in a misguided effort to imitate the non-Jewish world.

(Reading transcripts of & listening to Rav Avigdor Miller's lectures, plus reading his books, can remedy this.)

This next part gets even more interesting, in light of all the talk of prepping and the elites' underground luxury shelters...

Yeshayahu 2:9-10

וַיִּשַּׁח אָדָם, וַיִּשְׁפַּל-אִישׁ; וְאַל-תִּשָּׂא, לָהֶם
בּוֹא בַצּוּר, וְהִטָּמֵן בֶּעָפָר, מִפְּנֵי פַּחַד יְהוָה, וּמֵהֲדַר גְּאֹנוֹ

(9) Man will be bent and man will be humbled; but do not forgive them.
(10) Enter into the rock, and hide thee in the dust, from before the terror of the LORD, and from the glory of His majesty.

ME'AM LOEZ:

The time will come when "mankind will be bent" and forced to face the futility of their external gods.

At that time, they will run to "hide in the rocks and underground" as a self-humiliation before God for bowing down to those things.

But because this will be done from lack of choice and not out of true remorse, God does "not forgive them."

I still can't help thinking of smartphones and tablets and any Internet connection (especially the fake competitions & boasts popular in social media) as "the futility of their external gods" and "those things."

And here stands a reference to hiding underground.

This idea continues in the next verses, especially with regard to elitists who consider themselves "superior creatures"...

Yeshayahu 2:11-17

עֵינֵי גַּבְהוּת אָדָם, שָׁפֵל, וְשַׁח, רוּם אֲנָשִׁים; וְנִשְׂגַּב יְהוָה לְבַדּוֹ, בַּיּוֹם הַהוּא
כִּי יוֹם לַיהוָה צְבָאוֹת, עַל כָּל-גֵּאֶה--וָרָם; וְעַל, כָּל-נִשָּׂא וְשָׁפֵל
וְעַל כָּל-אַרְזֵי הַלְּבָנוֹן, הָרָמִים וְהַנִּשָּׂאִים; וְעַל, כָּל-אַלּוֹנֵי הַבָּשָׁן
וְעַל, כָּל-הֶהָרִים הָרָמִים; וְעַל, כָּל-הַגְּבָעוֹת הַנִּשָּׂאוֹת
וְעַל, כָּל-מִגְדָּל גָּבֹהַּ; וְעַל, כָּל-חוֹמָה בְצוּרָה
וְעַל, כָּל-אֳנִיּוֹת תַּרְשִׁישׁ; וְעַל, כָּל-שְׂכִיּוֹת הַחֶמְדָּה
וְשַׁח גַּבְהוּת הָאָדָם, וְשָׁפֵל רוּם אֲנָשִׁים; וְנִשְׂגַּב יְהוָה לְבַדּוֹ, בַּיּוֹם הַהוּא

(11) The lofty looks of man shall be brought low, and the haughtiness of men shall be bowed down, and the LORD alone shall be exalted in that day.
(12) For the LORD of hosts hath a day upon all that is proud and lofty, and upon all that is lifted up, and it shall be brought low;
(13) And upon all the cedars of Lebanon that are high and lifted up, and upon all the oaks of Bashan;
(14) And upon all the high mountains, and upon all the hills that are lifted up;
(15) And upon every lofty tower, and upon every fortified wall;
(16) And upon all the ships of Tarshish, and upon all delightful imagery.
[Me'am Loez translation verse 16: And above all the fleets of Tarshish and above all the marbled halls.]
(17) And the loftiness of man shall be bowed down, and the haughtiness of men shall be brought low; and the LORD alone shall be exalted in that day.

ME'AM LOEZ:

...God will be exalted above the "haughty" who see themselves as superior creatures, feeling demeaned even relating to others, and above the self-"elevated" who contemptuously put others down.

He will be exalted above those who are "haughty and exalted" both in their hearts and in their actions and above those who are "elevated" in their hearts, but put on a "humble" façade.

This reminds me of the current virtue signaling and social justice warriors promoted today.

Especially regarding "those who are 'elevated' in their hearts, but put on a 'humble' façade" —it's like all those white guys who self-flagellate for being, well, white guys (the deception of "white male privilege").

A lot of the environmental "green" movement or the animal rights movement fit this description of snooty (and fake) virtuousness, putting themselves down as polluters of the environment or as equals to or even beneath animals, or describing themselves and other humans as "glorified apes/mammals" and so on.

And a lot of the world's wealthiest & most powerful people indulge in a "humble façade" of all this virtue-signaling too while feeling oh-so " 'elevated' in their hearts," pretending to be like everyone else, while setting completely different standards for themselves against all the billions of people they feel beneath them.

Here's more from the Me'am Loez on these verses:

ME'AM LOEZ:

And on that day, God will be exalted above all those who exalt themselves with their wisdom like the majestic "cedars and oaks;" above all those who live on "high mountains and hills" to segregate themselves from what they see as inferior humanity; above all those who live in "tall towers or behind fortressed walls" to flaunt their power and prowess, and above all those who haughty themselves with their wealth of "fleets and marbled halls."

"...to segregate themselves from what they see as inferior humanity..."

That, along with all the references to living in places in order to segregate and protect themselves (while flaunting & aggrandizing themselves, their self-congratulatory "prowess") makes me think of underground luxury shelters, luxury panic rooms in mansions, luxury bug-out destinations, and so on.

What the Navi says here is: All that ain't gonna help in the end.

Yeshayahu 2:18-21

וְהָאֱלִילִים, כָּלִיל יַחֲלֹף
וּבָאוּ בִּמְעָרוֹת צֻרִים, וּבִמְחִלּוֹת עָפָר--מִפְּנֵי פַּחַד יְהוָה, וּמֵהֲדַר גְּאוֹנוֹ, בְּקוּמוֹ, לַעֲרֹץ הָאָרֶץ
בַּיּוֹם הַהוּא, יַשְׁלִיךְ הָאָדָם, אֵת אֱלִילֵי כַסְפּוֹ, וְאֵת אֱלִילֵי זְהָבוֹ--אֲשֶׁר עָשׂוּ-לוֹ לְהִשְׁתַּחֲוֺת, לַחְפֹּר פֵּרוֹת וְלָעֲטַלֵּפִים
לָבוֹא בְּנִקְרוֹת הַצֻּרִים, וּבִסְעִפֵי הַסְּלָעִים--מִפְּנֵי פַּחַד יְהוָה, וּמֵהֲדַר גְּאוֹנוֹ, בְּקוּמוֹ, לַעֲרֹץ הָאָרֶץ

(18) And the idols shall utterly pass away.
(19) And men shall go into the caves of the rocks, and into the holes of the earth, from before the terror of the LORD, and from the glory of His majesty, when He ariseth to shake mightily the earth.
(20) In that day a man shall cast away his idols of silver, and his idols of gold, which they made for themselves to worship, to the rats and to the bats;
(21) To go into the clefts of the rocks, and into the crevices of the crags, from before the terror of the LORD, and from the glory of His majesty, when he ariseth to shake mightily the earth.

ME'AM LOEZ:

On that day, "all idols will completely disappear," even those in the far-flung places on earth where they will still exist...those who worshipped those idols will be so ashamed, they will run to "hide in caves and underground tunnels."

And as they run to hide, they will cast aside their idols in the most disgraceful way by "throwing them into the holes of rats and bats."

Of course, I'm imagining everyone tossing their smartphones and tablets into ratholes & bat nests out of shame. ("Heavens, I can believe I was actually watching CNN! I'm so embarrassed!")

That's an amusing thought.

And again, the Navi speaks of people running to hide in caves and underground tunnels, places we know are being carved out and built up today.

Rashi interprets la'arotz ha'aretz/to break the earth as "to break the WICKED of the earth."

Again, this possibly indicates a type of earthquake or meteor-strike that breaks the underground shelters of the wicked, most of whom are the wealthy & powerful elite.

Despite claims of the shelters being deep & fortified enough to withstand an earthquake or meteor-strike, it's clear no manmade structure can survive a direct hit or a fault-line running straight through the shelter.

Or a volcano opening up in the structure's immediate vicinity.

Our best technology cannot fortify any structure enough to withstand a direct attack from a particularly forceful act of nature.

And Hashem knows each person's address.

Either way, the verse indicates a literal breaking of both the earth and the wicked.

Meaning, it doesn't seem to indicate hurricanes, tornados, EMPS, or nuclear missiles.

Interestingly, while the above verses describe people running to these underground shelters out of fear (the reason the elites & anyone who can manage it construct these shelters), the Me'am Loez emphasizes they run to hide out of shame, not fear.

I guess we'll see.

Yeshayahu 2:22

Cease ye from man, in whose nostrils is a breath; for how little is he to be accounted!

חִדְלוּ לָכֶם מִן-הָאָדָם, אֲשֶׁר נְשָׁמָה בְּאַפּוֹ: כִּי-בַמֶּה נֶחְשָׁב, הוּא

ME'AM LOEZ:

So, "abandon" your idols which are only manmade because "man," their maker, has no significance.

And when you abandon your manmade idols, abandon also your man-made-into-idol because his whole existence is so precarious: "his soul lies in his breath," he must breathe every minute to live.

"What, then, is his significance?"

Again, this interpretation just screams to me "Internet" and all the Internet devices.

Yes, these manmade devices...and ALSO the man-made-into-idol, which is so much a part of social media.

Via social media & websites, politicians, pundits, and all kinds of celebrities receive the status of man-made-into-idol.

Even before the Internet, TV & radio created the phenomenon of the "pop idol" and the culture of fan clubs for the mostly immoral music stars and movie stars.

Yet at the end of the day, who are these people?

Nobodies.

They need to breathe the same way as anyone else in order to remain alive.

They're not innately superior to all their adorers.

It's all fake. It's all invented.

Finally, I cannot resist adding the interpretation of Chapter 3, verse 12 because it is so applicable today...

Yeshayahu 3:12

As for My people — their oppressors are pranksters and women rule over them. O My people! Your leaders are leading you astray and the way of your path they have destroyed.

עַמִּי נֹגְשָׂיו מְעוֹלֵל, וְנָשִׁים מָשְׁלוּ בוֹ; עַמִּי מְאַשְּׁרֶיךָ
מַתְעִים, וְדֶרֶךְ אֹרְחֹתֶיךָ בִּלֵּעוּ
https://mechon-mamre.org/p/pt/pt1003.htm

ME'AM LOEZ (The Book of Yeshayahu, page 29):

...namely, the people's false leaders: the government will become an "oppressive" police state and will be run by a band of "pranksters;" [znus] will become so widespread that "women will rule over them;" on top of this all, "your leaders" — your false prophets and wise men — who are supposed to guide you, instead just "destroy the way of your path" — not only did they destroy your following God's way consistently, but also your following it as an occasional path.

False leaders?

Like...unqualified or unjustly elected?

Check!

The government as an oppressive police state?

Check!

The government run by a band of pranksters/mockers?

(This so reminds me of the world leaders who prefer golfing, amusement parks, and hanging out at pubs to actually running the country.)

Check!

Widespread znus that rules over men (live & in the flesh and/or Internet addiction)?

Check!

Female leaders (who, despite all the predictions to the contrary, proved themselves no better than male leaders)?

Check!

False prophets and "wise" men meant to guide society, but instead shove everyone onto a self-destructive path (look at all the professors & other academic intellectuals in favor of euthanasia, abortion, pritzus, atheism, freedom for criminals, unchecked immigration (allowing entry to terrorists & violent psychopaths, rather than innocent hard-working people only), same-gender unions, gender-switching, and other social evils)?

Check!

It's also worth looking at what Rashi says:
"Adulterous women govern them" and "weaklings governed them."
(www.chabad.org/library/bible_cdo/aid/15934/jewish/Chapter-3.htm/showrashi/true#v12)

The former reminds me of persistent rumors regarding America's first female Vice-President and the latter reminds me of the President. Even his vocalized threat toward America's enemies came out in such a soft, feminine voice with no grit.

If I was ISIS, I would just laugh with glee & contempt in response.

A lot of leaders today come off as weak. In fact, so many Republicans label their own politicians as RINOs — Republicans In Name Only.

And the leaders of Medinat Yisrael, including many army higher-ups, reveal themselves as weak mockers and pranksters.

Rumors of Muslim terrorists running Israeli prisons also reveal despicable weakness (and the use of znus) in the prison leadership.

However, Rashi also quotes Targum Yonatan, who interprets nashim moshlu as noshim moshlu — "creditors rule over them," which also makes sense, given the role of the Federal Reserve Bank and taxation, plus the Ponzi scheme of social security payments.

In other words, it's all there.

Today's world can be found in the prophecies of Yeshayahu.

And the comforting words for our beautiful future also lie in those same prophecies.

A photo of Harei Yehudah in Eretz Yisrael

"What Happened in Hadera?"

11/8/2022

Recently, our 25-year-old son told us what happened to a good friend of his in Hadera this past April 2022.

As our son's friend (let's call him David) walked down the street with his brother and their aunt, the boys saw a couple of men wearing large white knitted kippahs with beards and acting strangely.

"Hey, look over there. Who are those weird Breslovers?" one brother said to the other.

Only the weirdoes weren't Breslovers.

Religious Muslim men also wear beards and large white knitted head-coverings.

To the untrained eye, the appearances seem similar.

Suddenly, David found himself face-to-face with one of the "Breslovers," who also looked right at David while shooting a barrage of bullets from a fully automatic machine gun.

David just stared in shock while being shot at from close range, then passed out.

Later, he discovered his brother also passed out. And while their aunt did not pass out, she went into shock and lay on the pavement catatonic except for her uncontrolled shaking.

When the rescue services arrived, they saw David & his brother lying unconscious on the ground, so the brothers were among the first swept into the ambulances and taken to the hospital (along with the aunt).

David drifted in and out of shocked consciousness until his arrival at the hospital.

With everything happening so fast (including the rescue services, baruch Hashem), no one knew what had actually happened.

Seeing David awake with all these injured & shocked people coming in, the ER staff asked him, "What's going on?! What happened in Hadera?!"

"I don't know!" David gasped. "These Breslovers just started shooting at us in a terror attack!"

Then he passed out again.

Later, everyone found out what really happened.

David still suffers PTSD and takes prescription medication to sleep at night.

3 Points to Take Away from This Incident

(1) These are the silent victims of terror.

They received no physical injury and saw no gore or trauma on others.

We don't hear much about them or from them.

But just finding themselves face to face with an armed terrorist and seeing bullets flying out in their direction is traumatic enough, as anyone can understand.

(2) First reports aren't automatically reliable.

A lot of people think first reports of an incident stand as the most accurate, but the above demonstrates the problem with that assumption.

It all depends.

Mistaken perceptions combined with shock and trauma don't make the best witnesses.

(3) Let's not overlook the open miracles Hashem gifts us, even along with the trauma.

Finally, the open miracle occurring here must be publicized.

David, his brother, their aunt, and several others were mere feet away from the rampaging terrorists, with at least one terrorist shooting directly at them.

In addition, David, his brother, and their aunt stood as unmoving targets.

How did every single bullet completely miss them?

Chasdei Hashem, yishtabach Shemo.

And so...

May all those injured and/or traumatized merit a complete refuah.

May Hashem avenge the blood of our brothers & sisters.

And may Hashem please bring Mashiach soon b'rachamim.

When Hashem Set Me Free (for at least a couple of days) from My Own Self-Recrimination & the Lesson Learned from That

9/8/2022

For a few years, I felt very frustrated with myself due to a certain middah I consistently failed to overcome.

From all the mussar sefarim, Rav Avigdor Miller, Pele Yoetz, and many more, I knew I was wrong to feel the way I did, but simply could not change this particular middah.

Mostly, it did not affect other people or most aspects of my life.

It simply stood as an obstacle within my own personal growth, only affecting others in specific circumstances.

I davened about it, spoke to Hashem about it (which often felt like running into a brick wall, for some reason still not fully understood by me), read Torah sources about it, did writing exercises to overcome it and internalize the correct middah, but...nothing.

A few years of investment achieved some progress in external behavior.

But internally? Almost nothing.

Furthermore, I observed people who naturally possessed the middah I knew I needed to cultivate.

Initially, I admired them.

I tried to learn from them.

But the more I learned, the more frustrated I felt with myself.

Why couldn't I make this change AT ALL?

Why was even a baby-step of progress so impossible?

Others seemed to manage, even in situations similar to or much worse than mine.

And still others even seemed to excel in this middah, no matter how challenging.

Why was I so different and — let's face it — so much more defective than nearly everyone else in this particular area?

Then, in a short amount of time, Hashem suddenly revealed something to me.

When Good Middot Go Bad & Bad Middot Come to the Rescue

Hashem showed me this desired flip in its harmful extreme.

I saw how people imbued with this middah opposite to mine lead broken lives with not much hope for any improvement.

They made & continue to make destructive mistakes, enduring a lot of suffering in the process, a lot of which seemed to be partly self-inflicted.

Despite them succeeding in a certain middah in which I continue to fail miserably, I noticed my life, for all its flaws & disappointments, was much more successful (according to Torah definition) than theirs.

And it lifted a burden from me.

When everything became clear, I felt so grateful that I was NOT like those people with the middah I so badly desired.

In fact, the revelation made me high for 2 days.

And while I still realize I need to work on this middah, I'm so grateful for NOT having it naturally because it's highly destructive if one lacks balance & awareness.

I guess I was being harder on myself than I realized.

This blog keeps pounding away against toxic shame and feeling bad about having bad middot because the bare presence of bad middot is from Hashem & not something to feel bad about in and of itself.

It's your response to your bad middot that shows how good (or bad) you are.

But I guess for myself, with all the work in which I invested without reaping more than a tiny piece of grain, I just felt like I should be doing better already.

Also, I felt like I'm really not such a good person if I feel this way, ESPECIALLY after all the work I invested in that area.

Like, "Wow, I must be pretty bad if this is the result after all this work!"

Sort of like someone who does everything they can to succeed in algebra, including tutoring, tons of practice, and all sorts of alternative methods for YEARS — yet still fail every algebra test — may conclude they are stupid or at the very least, really bad at math.

But that's a worldly parable.

Spiritual physics work differently.

Our feelings & middot don't define our goodness or badness.

Our success in better behavior (or lack of) doesn't define whether we are good or bad.

Rather our DESIRE/RATZON to struggle against certain feelings & middot (as defined by Torah & mussar) define how good or bad we are.

Attack of the Potentially Holy Green-Eyed Monster

It's like if someone suffers terrible envy of others.

They read about it, talk to Hashem about it, constantly do their best to internalize the truth that Hashem decides everything and there is no need for envy because Hashem gives each person what they TRULY need and deserve.

And yet, after years of working on this, the person still suffers terrible envy!

It feels like failure because if a person developed an acute awareness of how lacking in emunah envy is, then they feel like they're a hopeless atheist or something when they cannot move beyond the envy, feeling stuck exactly where they started.

"Maybe I'm a religious hypocrite..." the person may start to muse.

Or the very few times they managed to overcome envy, they snapped right back to square one, as if they never moved in the first place.

It's very frustrating and discouraging.

(BTW, envy isn't my problem; just using it as an example.)

But then the person discovers people completely lacking in any envy whatsoever.

And they see people with potential who never moved their entire life.

Their magnanimous nature leaped overboard, causing them to give too much credence to other opinions (including anti-Torah opinions), behaving too generously with not-very-good people, and not accomplishing all the spiritual potential they possess.

Rather, due to your struggle with envy, you balanced yourself out without even meaning to.

You also made tremendous strides in life because your envy also ignited you with the fire to strive for certain goals.

For some people, the fire of envy gives them the fortitude to create a large family or to be more tsanuah or achieve more in Torah learning or to perform greater acts of kindness.

Envy used positively imbues them with the courage & fire to go against the current when the current roils in the wrong direction.

A wonderful person also brought to my attention something said by Rav Itamar Schwartz:

The sin of man was a lustful desire, but the jealousy itself which brought about this desire was not a sin.

Jealousy is rather the very nature that Hashem has designed man with.

It is upon a person to use jealousy for holiness, by being ‘jealous’ of the Creator, so to speak – to desire to integrate one’s being with Him, and, through this yearning, to become integrated with the Creator.

***

The holy use of jealousy, the desire to integrate with the Creator, is also a quick “destruction” [in the positive sense]:

It is a complete self-nullification, where man becomes completely integrated with the Infinite.

https://bilvavi.net/he/node/9798

So kinah (often translated as jealousy, envy, or zealotry) is, in its innate pure form, a desire to integrate with God.

Amazing.

So despite how ugly envy feels and looks (if you've ever encountered a person who stares daggers at you while curling their upper lip in rage & disgust when you mention even a small nice thing experienced in your life, then you know how ugly it looks)...it's actually a holy middah in its essence.

Kinah brings a person to complete bonding with Hashem!

Who knew?

So a person suffering from terrible kinah might actually possess the potential for holiness & deveikus MORE than others.

Very cool.

That's just one example and, like mentioned above, not my personal grueling frustrating impossible struggle.

The Real Difference between Esav & Yaakov, and What It Means For Us

The other virtue is the Esav virtue discussed in the Lubavitcher Tanya and in this post:
what-if-you-lean-more-toward-esav-than-yaakov-avinu-the-perfect-mitzvah-for-imperfect-people.html

Esav's failure lay NOT in feeling drawn toward all the bad stuff that attracted him, but his failure lay in SUBMITTING to these attractions.

Esav gave up & gave in.

THAT was his mistake.

Not the fact that he experienced these terrible taavot, but that he caved in to them.

And that's what I learned to embrace.

So yes, I will continue to work on this impossible (for me) middah.

But I no longer feel bad about failing...as long as I work it.

The Third Factor Contributing to Torah-Oriented Therapy that Works

8/8/2022

When I originally wrote the post on how & why therapy worked for one girl, I intended to include a 3rd major reason why it worked, but in writing the article, it flew out of mind.

Here's the article:
www.myrtlerising.com/blog/when-torah-oriented-therapy-worked-how-it-worked-and-why

And the 2 reasons stated there are:

The client's own ratzon to do the work necessary to improve.
The therapist making halacha & effective techniques a priority.

And the third?

The therapist must LIKE the client.

To Be Effective, One Must Learn to be Honest with Oneself

The necessity of the mentor actually liking the person being mentored is always true, whether regarding a therapist, rabbi, rebbetzin, advisor, counselor, mentor, or any other type of confidant or consultant.

Liking someone includes empathy too.

You can know a behavior is wrong while also empathizing with the reason for that person's behavior.

And a responsible should do his or her best to know when they cannot help someone.

For example, when I showed admiration to a therapist for offering 1st-time appointments for free, she stated she did it for herself as much as the new client.

That way, she explained, she felt free to reject the client if she saw it wouldn't work.

A lot of times, you can tell in 10 minutes or less whether you like someone. An experienced person can tell in 10 minutes or less whether they can work with someone, whether the potential exists.

In the above-mentioned post, the therapist genuinely liked the girl she helped.

In fact, the therapist specialized in teenage girls and genuinely liked them.

This counts as a PRIME factor in helping another person improve.

When Mentoring/Advising/Counseling Goes Wrong

Probably, we've experienced encounters with people meant to help us, but instead made us feel disliked, defective, stupid, insignificant, and gave surprisingly bad advice.

For example, I knew a rebbetzin with incredible energy who did tremendous much-needed chessed of all types.

Throughout her life, she made meaningful and continuous contributions to Torah life.

However, she didn't appreciate introverted people.

She didn't hate them, but she did not appreciate them, and this prevented her from really liking them.

Because of this, her advice with introverted types tended to go like a coin-flip.

Sometimes she offered suitable advice to them, sometimes not.

And when unsuitable, her advice sometimes turned out badly wrong.

In fact, she even discouraged shidduchim between introverts, offering different reasons why it wouldn't work.

The reasons usually sounded either offensive or just not so logical (because they emanated from emotion, and not reason).

I personally know of 2 shidduchim she actively discouraged at first, but the 2 couples got married anyway.

One marriage worked out really well because they are excellent people who are obviously perfect for each other.

The other marriage turned out less happy because the wife lacks good middot (while the husband possesses excellent middot), but this rebbetzin did not discourage the shidduch because of that. In fact, this rebbetzin thought the young woman's middot were just fine (except for the young woman's introversion, of course).

In another situation, she several times berated an introverted girl suffering serious doubts about a shidduch until the girl lost confidence in her own perceptions & went through with the marriage, which the girl later always regretted (though the couple never got divorced).

When dealing with introverts, the rebbetzin's manner of giving the advice sometimes suddenly turned harsh or abrasive.

The sudden harsh or angry tone came as shock because she normally seemed so cheerful and smiley.

This sudden about-face resulted from her impatience when dealing with an introvert, who often wants to think through things before acting, or who thinks more deeply and with more complexity about issues, and needs to work through that before making a decision.

A lot of people want to understand WHY they need to do something before they do it.

And yes, it's weird when people like this rebbetzin end up working with baalei teshuvah and gerim because they whole reason WHY the people did teshuvah is BECAUSE they think this way!

Yes, there's a downside in overthinking things.

But there's an upside too. It always depends on how it's done.

This rebbetzin is very smart & exceptionally competent doer rather than a thinker.

And that's fine. Some doers appreciate thinkers and vice-versa.

In other words, some people appreciate differences.

But this one did not.

So even though she willingly made herself available as a consultant-rebbetzin to others, she simply proved herself unable to offer suitable advice to personalities she does not really like or appreciate.

And we're all like that.

The key is to making yourself LIKE the person turning to you. (Easier said than done, but often possible when one cares enough & is aware enough.)

Unfortunately, the above-mentioned rebbetzin lacked the ability to do that because she convinced herself she was a real ohev Yisrael, that she loved everybody.

She honestly believed this about herself. (And she genuinely did a lot of good.)

So she never realized she didn't actually love a significant part of the frum population (introverts).

Instead, she believed her impatience or anger or discrimination came from the other person's exceptionally difficult nature...which was sometimes true, of course.

But often, it wasn't.

This explains why people go to a rabbi, rebbetzin, advisor, etc., who others label as "SO AMAZING!!!" and "helped SO MANY people with this exact problem!" and so on...but then receive obviously unsuitable advice or get treated badly or dismissively.

It could be they ARE amazing...but not with you.

It could be they ARE extremely helpful...but not to you.

And all that could mean there is something wrong with you...or it could mean there's something wrong with them.

Or it could mean they simply aren't the right shaliach for you in a particular situation.

A Mentoring Success Story

The rebbetzin who mentored me so helpfully (NOT the one described above) also really liked me.

We hit it off from the first time we met (at a class she gave in my neighborhood).

She also genuinely liked young women, young mothers.

She felt genuine sympathy for our issues, while also seeing our flaws and our potential.

Not all middle-aged women feel this way.

Some feel envious toward young mothers because they remember those years as easier than their lives now.

Or it's generational; they see your generation as spoiled and they resent it.

But she wasn't like that at all. She was really empathetic, yet practical.

Because you always felt she stood squarely on your side, it was much easier to take her advice, even the hard-to-follow advice.

Her unswerving & affectionate loyalty to your best interests was the honey that made the bitter pill of breaking middot easier to swallow.

Interestingly, she felt genuine affection toward the more introverted, introspective, emotionally complicated women that most others (understandably) find so exasperating to deal with.

Even more interestingly, she wasn't like that at all herself!

She was a particularly fearless & proactive doer and rescuer.

(And a real handful as a child; these types usually are.)

In fact, her lack of fear led her into dangerous situations at times (because fear helps us take proper precautions)...situations in which her fearlessness & quick thinking helped her to find a way out of these situations.

(I still remember when an attempted kidnapping ended in her driving off in the potential abductor's car, leaving him in the dirt while she sped off to the police station. And she was totally blasé about it later.)

She never engaged in the kind of complex-bordering-on-neurotic thought processes that some of us do.

Yet she held great affection for those completely different than her.

Somehow, she was able to understand & appreciate those whose brains were wired so differently than hers.

Another way she differed from me and many others she helped is that she grew up in a very solid Chassidish family who survived the Holocaust with their Yiddishkeit firmly (and miraculously, IMO) intact.

And they weren't regular Chassidim either, but Chassidim with yichus & importance.

Yet somehow, she managed to understand & identify with people from secular or even non-Jewish backgrounds.

And she provided tremendous help & guidance. At times, she mamash saved lives, both in the emotional sense and literally.

Without even meaning to, she stood as a wonderful role model.

She saw people as basically good & capable, but sometimes just in need of hand up.

(This is a VERY different & much healthier—and Torah-based—view of people, as opposed to many who view people as according to their flaws or dysfunctional behaviors, and who often generalize negatively, saying stuff like, "Most people are this-and-such-negative-trait...")

She also saw herself as a mere shaliach, acknowledging she wasn't the right shaliach for everyone, which is a very important (and Torah-true) approach to adopt when dealing with others.

That approach removes a lot of ego, which interferes in genuinely helping others.

Not only did I merit her mentoring myself, but sent a lot of people to her over the years until she could no longer do it.

I think the combination of her innate personality & an upbringing based on AUTHENTIC chassidish & Torah principles facilitated her to turn out this way.

Outgrowing a Mentor, an Advisor's Error, and Unpredictable Acts of God

Sometimes, things change.

It's very common to outgrow a therapist/mentor/rabbi/rebbetzin, etc.

You won't outgrow a gadol or a rebbetzin on the level of Rebbetzin Batsheva Kanievsky, of course.

But others? Yes.

For example, secular Jews who started out thinking their college campus rabbi or the modern Orthodox rabbi of their local shul were the tops later outgrew these people as their spiritual needs matured.

You can & should be grateful for what they gave you at the start.

But it's fine to outgrow them. This is not much spoken about, but it IS normal.

Sometimes a therapist or mentor gave you what you needed at the beginning, but simply lacked what you needed to grow even more, due to their own blind spots or deficiencies.

Again, it's good to be grateful & appreciative while going on to bigger and better things.

On the other hand, sometimes the mentoring relationship stops working due to the one being mentored or counseled.

That person either refuses to grow at all or to grow beyond a certain point.

Sometimes, the counselor/therapist/rabbi/rebbetzin/advisor/mentor/friend honestly believed they could help, then realized only part way through their error.

(The person turning to them for help often experiences this error as a painful rejection, but it is an honest mistake. Hopefully, the advisor eases out as nicely as possible—meaning, without trashing the person.)

Other times, the advisor experiences a life-changing event or struggle (death of a loved one, a natural disaster, a financial upheaval, divorce, injury, trauma, burnout, etc) that prevents them from being able to give what they normally could.

These are legitimate difficulties, and though painful & upsetting for the client, it's not anyone's fault and the limitations (including termination) should be respected.

It's nearly always Hashem's way of guiding the person to a better shaliach (including turning to Hashem alone) along their individual path.

3 Factors Necessary for Effective Therapy/Counseling/Mentoring

So here is it again, in the updated version...

In order for any kind of therapy, counseling, advice, etc., to be genuinely effective (NOT just a "feel-good" effect, but actual improvement), the following 3 factors must exist:

The client's own ratzon to do the work necessary to improve.
The therapist making halacha & Torah-oriented approaches a priority.
The therapist must like the client.

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