If you go HERE, you can see a 2-minute video of Rav Gershon Edelstein, the Rosh Yeshivah of Ponevezh in Bnei Brak, and one of the premier talmidei chachamim of today.
I'm sorry it's in Hebrew only, but I'll explain it in English below. Also, videos of Rav Edelstein are available online with English subtitles. Just please watch out for the extraneous explanation points (!!!!) imposed within the subtitles (which also appear in this video in the Hebrew subtitles); they reflect the transcriber's understandable excitement over the words of the talmid chacham, rather than the authentic reflection of the talmid chacham's tone of voice.
I'll go over what Rav Edelstein says in English, but what's valuable here is the rav's facial expressions as he speaks. It's worth watching for that, even if you don't understand the Hebrew. His facial expressions are very telling.
So...the questioner presents the dilemma of a 12-year-old boy who doesn't want to daven, and asks what to do. How much should the parent insist on prayer at the proper times? (For example, Kriyat Shema needs to be said by a certain time in the morning, and Shacharit needs to be said before noon, etc.)
Please notice how the rav listens intently to the question, giving it his full focus.
Then the rav answers: "B'darchei noam" — literally: "with ways of pleasantness."
This is a famous & common phrase in Judaism.
(Again, please ignore the boldface letters & explanation point in the subtitle of the rav's answer. Rav Edelstein isn't yelling or pounding on the table; he's speaking with equanimity. Again, the boldface & exclamation point indicate the transcriber's enthusiasm and not the rav's emotional state or tone of voice.)
The rav repeats "only b'darchei noam" a couple of times, adding "bli kefiyah — without force."
When the questioner asks about nagging the child, the rav's tone becomes stern as he says, "No, no, no, no" and he makes a face as if someone placed a plate of rotten eggs in front of him (00.28-00.30).
The rav then explains that the parent should use encouragement to awaken the child's desire to daven.
"The child knows what's good," says the rav.
In other words, the child already knows what he's supposed to do. He simply doesn't want to daven.
It's an issue of desire, not awareness or knowledge.
So via encouragement, a parent can awaken the right desire. Nagging & compulsion don't help, says the rav.
When the rav mentions the word b'kefiyah again at point 00:43-00:45, you see how his whole face frowns just at the idea of chinuch b'kefiyah — via force.
"It's forbidden to force the child," says the rav, calling such a method "chinuch hafuch — backwards (or upside-down) education," which, the says, leads to the opposite result of what's intended & doesn't positively influence the child "at all."
Instead, the rav recommends encouraging the child in a way that's "interesting" and "friendly" from a state of "love." (01:02-01:07)
He also mentions the role example plays in proper chinuch (01:09-01:13) "A child does what the father does," says the rav. "There's the nature of imitation."
Then the rav repeats "b'darchei noam," adding that the child shouldn't feel like there's any criticism of him.
"If a child perceives criticism," says the rav at 01:37, "that hurts him a lot. It causes the child to 'throw off the yoke'." (Meaning, the sweet "yoke" of Torah & mitzvot.)
Rav Edelstein continues, "It's forbidden to say criticism. This is an important rule in chinuch. He shouldn't perceive criticism of himself. That's the rule."
It's interesting that just the mentioned of "nagging" caused instinctive repulsion in the rav.
Many people do not consider nagging in the same category as criticism or compulsion.
This is why it's so important to hear what the REAL Torah Sages say.
Meaning, not just the ones who attained intellectual knowledge of Torah, but the ones who've INTERNALIZED the Torah they've learned.
Due to their genuine wisdom, real Torah Sages have a whole different way of perceiving things.
And if we listen to them, we become wiser too.
I'm sorry it's in Hebrew only, but I'll explain it in English below. Also, videos of Rav Edelstein are available online with English subtitles. Just please watch out for the extraneous explanation points (!!!!) imposed within the subtitles (which also appear in this video in the Hebrew subtitles); they reflect the transcriber's understandable excitement over the words of the talmid chacham, rather than the authentic reflection of the talmid chacham's tone of voice.
I'll go over what Rav Edelstein says in English, but what's valuable here is the rav's facial expressions as he speaks. It's worth watching for that, even if you don't understand the Hebrew. His facial expressions are very telling.
So...the questioner presents the dilemma of a 12-year-old boy who doesn't want to daven, and asks what to do. How much should the parent insist on prayer at the proper times? (For example, Kriyat Shema needs to be said by a certain time in the morning, and Shacharit needs to be said before noon, etc.)
Please notice how the rav listens intently to the question, giving it his full focus.
Then the rav answers: "B'darchei noam" — literally: "with ways of pleasantness."
This is a famous & common phrase in Judaism.
(Again, please ignore the boldface letters & explanation point in the subtitle of the rav's answer. Rav Edelstein isn't yelling or pounding on the table; he's speaking with equanimity. Again, the boldface & exclamation point indicate the transcriber's enthusiasm and not the rav's emotional state or tone of voice.)
The rav repeats "only b'darchei noam" a couple of times, adding "bli kefiyah — without force."
When the questioner asks about nagging the child, the rav's tone becomes stern as he says, "No, no, no, no" and he makes a face as if someone placed a plate of rotten eggs in front of him (00.28-00.30).
The rav then explains that the parent should use encouragement to awaken the child's desire to daven.
"The child knows what's good," says the rav.
In other words, the child already knows what he's supposed to do. He simply doesn't want to daven.
It's an issue of desire, not awareness or knowledge.
So via encouragement, a parent can awaken the right desire. Nagging & compulsion don't help, says the rav.
When the rav mentions the word b'kefiyah again at point 00:43-00:45, you see how his whole face frowns just at the idea of chinuch b'kefiyah — via force.
"It's forbidden to force the child," says the rav, calling such a method "chinuch hafuch — backwards (or upside-down) education," which, the says, leads to the opposite result of what's intended & doesn't positively influence the child "at all."
Instead, the rav recommends encouraging the child in a way that's "interesting" and "friendly" from a state of "love." (01:02-01:07)
He also mentions the role example plays in proper chinuch (01:09-01:13) "A child does what the father does," says the rav. "There's the nature of imitation."
Then the rav repeats "b'darchei noam," adding that the child shouldn't feel like there's any criticism of him.
"If a child perceives criticism," says the rav at 01:37, "that hurts him a lot. It causes the child to 'throw off the yoke'." (Meaning, the sweet "yoke" of Torah & mitzvot.)
Rav Edelstein continues, "It's forbidden to say criticism. This is an important rule in chinuch. He shouldn't perceive criticism of himself. That's the rule."
It's interesting that just the mentioned of "nagging" caused instinctive repulsion in the rav.
Many people do not consider nagging in the same category as criticism or compulsion.
This is why it's so important to hear what the REAL Torah Sages say.
Meaning, not just the ones who attained intellectual knowledge of Torah, but the ones who've INTERNALIZED the Torah they've learned.
Due to their genuine wisdom, real Torah Sages have a whole different way of perceiving things.
And if we listen to them, we become wiser too.
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