Note: This old post needed to be completely redone as a new post (and thus lost its comment) because the formatting went wonky and the paragraphs & subheadings refused to stay in the places I put them.
The stories have been updated with additional details added for clarity.
The stories have been updated with additional details added for clarity.
When I first heard that Jews originally used Tu B’Av as a time to pick a wife based on her dancing, I just couldn’t understand how that could be.
But as time went on, I noticed that the personality of the dancer truly can be reflected in the dancing.
Not how skillfully they dance — that doesn't matter — but the actual personality that comes through.
But as time went on, I noticed that the personality of the dancer truly can be reflected in the dancing.
Not how skillfully they dance — that doesn't matter — but the actual personality that comes through.
Dancing at Weddings
At a wedding long ago, one of the guests was this adorable young woman sweetly dressed in a pink velvet top and a wide pink satin skirt that reached her ankles.
She was petite with a strawberry blonde shaitel full of little curls down to her shoulders. She looked like the perfect doll come to life.
Imagine my shock when we started circle-dancing and she grabbed my hand, immediately yanking on my arm with a force that belied her delicate little stature.
I immediately pulled away — but she actually hung on!
Then she let me go and as I stepped away from the dancing, the next woman joined hands unsuspectingly with the The Doll, only to immediately be yanked so hard she almost fell over. She looked at The Doll with the same shock I probably had on my face, and also stepped away, rubbing her shoulder.
The pattern repeated itself and someone even said, “Ow! Stop — that hurts!”
The Doll responded by pursing her lips and furrowing her pert little nose.
Wimp! she clearly seemed to be thinking.
It ended with several of us standing there and staring at her in disbelief.
“C’mon! C’mon!” she barked, bouncing on her feet like a boxer up for the next round. “Let’s dance! C’mon!” Her lips rubbed against each other and her eyes lit up like the eyes of those who go to hockey games to see the blood bounce off the ice.
Her little fists pounded her satin skirt as she looked at us. “Come on! What’s wrong with you guys? This is a wedding! Let’s dance!”
At that point, we drifted as one away to other circles of dancers.
As I looked back, her face was all pinched and glaring in a way that clearly said, Can’t take the heat, eh? What a bunch of wimps!
I wondered who'd had the guts to marry her.
She was petite with a strawberry blonde shaitel full of little curls down to her shoulders. She looked like the perfect doll come to life.
Imagine my shock when we started circle-dancing and she grabbed my hand, immediately yanking on my arm with a force that belied her delicate little stature.
I immediately pulled away — but she actually hung on!
Then she let me go and as I stepped away from the dancing, the next woman joined hands unsuspectingly with the The Doll, only to immediately be yanked so hard she almost fell over. She looked at The Doll with the same shock I probably had on my face, and also stepped away, rubbing her shoulder.
The pattern repeated itself and someone even said, “Ow! Stop — that hurts!”
The Doll responded by pursing her lips and furrowing her pert little nose.
Wimp! she clearly seemed to be thinking.
It ended with several of us standing there and staring at her in disbelief.
“C’mon! C’mon!” she barked, bouncing on her feet like a boxer up for the next round. “Let’s dance! C’mon!” Her lips rubbed against each other and her eyes lit up like the eyes of those who go to hockey games to see the blood bounce off the ice.
Her little fists pounded her satin skirt as she looked at us. “Come on! What’s wrong with you guys? This is a wedding! Let’s dance!”
At that point, we drifted as one away to other circles of dancers.
As I looked back, her face was all pinched and glaring in a way that clearly said, Can’t take the heat, eh? What a bunch of wimps!
I wondered who'd had the guts to marry her.
A girl name Miriam loved to attend weddings because she loved to dance for the kallah – something she did with infectious joy and energy.
When other girls complimented her dancing (which wasn't particularly skilled or graceful, but exuded a joyful energy & somehow projected her gladness on bride's behalf), she always answered, “Thanks! B’ezras Hashem, I’ll dance at your wedding, too — may it be soon!”
When I mentioned to a mutual friend how much I admired Miriam’s dancing, the friend said, “Sure! And you should have seen how she used to rip up the clubs with her dancing!”
“Really?” I said (neither of us realizing at the time that now we were entering the realm of lashon hara).
“Sure! She used to go clubbing all the time and dance for hours! She was also really into rap music.”
“But that’s so weird,” I said. “Because her dancing is totally tzanuah. She doesn’t throw in any of those provocative moves. She just seems totally happy for the kallah.”
“Yes,” said the friend. “Because she’s done true teshuvah. She’s a real example to follow.”
When other girls complimented her dancing (which wasn't particularly skilled or graceful, but exuded a joyful energy & somehow projected her gladness on bride's behalf), she always answered, “Thanks! B’ezras Hashem, I’ll dance at your wedding, too — may it be soon!”
When I mentioned to a mutual friend how much I admired Miriam’s dancing, the friend said, “Sure! And you should have seen how she used to rip up the clubs with her dancing!”
“Really?” I said (neither of us realizing at the time that now we were entering the realm of lashon hara).
“Sure! She used to go clubbing all the time and dance for hours! She was also really into rap music.”
“But that’s so weird,” I said. “Because her dancing is totally tzanuah. She doesn’t throw in any of those provocative moves. She just seems totally happy for the kallah.”
“Yes,” said the friend. “Because she’s done true teshuvah. She’s a real example to follow.”
A distant cousin of my husband’s whom I’d never met before danced at our wedding non-stop with a serious sense of purpose & dedication.
She never engaged in any fancy steps. She simply carried out the standard going-around-in-a-circle-while-holding-hands, yet she clearly seemed committed to the importance of dancing at a wedding.
When I thanked her later and told her how much it meant to me, she looked surprised and said, “Of course! It’s a big mitzvah to dance at a wedding.”
I found out later she was known to be a conscientious, serious, trustworthy type.
And that's exactly what what her dancing showed.
She never engaged in any fancy steps. She simply carried out the standard going-around-in-a-circle-while-holding-hands, yet she clearly seemed committed to the importance of dancing at a wedding.
When I thanked her later and told her how much it meant to me, she looked surprised and said, “Of course! It’s a big mitzvah to dance at a wedding.”
I found out later she was known to be a conscientious, serious, trustworthy type.
And that's exactly what what her dancing showed.
Another time, I watched as two newly married women danced for a kallah.
One looked unsmiling off to the side, her movements half-hearted and robotic; she seemed not to want to be there and didn't care who knew it — including the kallah.
In contrast, her partner gazed warmly into the eyes of the kallah with a quiet smile, her steps gentle and light.
Socializing with them later revealed that the first was very unhappy. (Understandably, she was feeling very lonely as a newlywed far away from her family and old friends.)
And the second was warm, kind, and engaging (and trying very hard to help the first newlywed not feel so lonely).
So this may not have reflected the first newlywed's true personality, but merely the state she was experiencing at that time.
One looked unsmiling off to the side, her movements half-hearted and robotic; she seemed not to want to be there and didn't care who knew it — including the kallah.
In contrast, her partner gazed warmly into the eyes of the kallah with a quiet smile, her steps gentle and light.
Socializing with them later revealed that the first was very unhappy. (Understandably, she was feeling very lonely as a newlywed far away from her family and old friends.)
And the second was warm, kind, and engaging (and trying very hard to help the first newlywed not feel so lonely).
So this may not have reflected the first newlywed's true personality, but merely the state she was experiencing at that time.
Dancing at an Old Age Home
And outside of weddings, a dancer’s personality also peeps out.
At an old age home, I watched as one young woman pranced lightly among the residents, singing softly and pleasantly while clapping her hands gently.
I didn't realize at the time she was divorced (her shaitel was very realistic) and the light that shone from her soul belied the traumatic year she spent in an emotionally abusive marriage.
(As I got to know her, I discovered an exceptionally special young woman who remarried a really wonderful and sweet bachur not long after.)
The old folks mostly slouched in their chairs, staring at nothing, with only a few blessed with enough good health to clap and sway in rhythm.
The young woman’s face glowed with gentle joy and caring.
Another dancing girl kept stared blankly off to the side as she clapped her hands and bounced around, singing by rote. Then she grabbed the hands of an elderly woman hunched almost face down over a desk and started swinging the woman’s stiff arms back and forth.
The elderly lady made a choking sound, then started emitting warbles of pain: “Ahhhahh — ahhahh — aaaaagh!”
But the girl didn't stop.
Shocked, I placed my hand on the girl’s arm and whispered, “Wait, I don’t think this lady likes that much.”
Startled, the girl’s eyes widened as her head jerked around to look at me.
Then she gave me a disgruntled frown and shook me off, moving away while looking at me as if I had done something indecent.
I was certain it was just a defensive reaction; after all, she must have been embarrassed to be shown how she was accidentally hurting this arthritic old lady.
I thought that was the end of it until I saw her back with the same woman, the elderly lady’s stiff body rocking back and forth helplessly as the same girl swung the lady’s arms from side to side, accompanied by the elderly lady’s painful warbles.
Without thinking, I rushed over to the girl and said, “Stop! Can’t you see you’re hurting her?!”
The girl looked at me in startled disgust, raised her chin, and gave a disdainful sniff as she danced as far away from me as possible.
She seemed so sure of herself, I started wondering whether I’d misinterpreted the elderly lady’s sounds. Perhaps the elderly lady was trying to sing along and I mistakenly thought she was in unbearable agony?
I leaned over to see if the lady was okay.
She lay with her stiff arms stretched out across her desk, breathing hard, and still gasping and groaning a little. Her eyes were wide and frantic-looking.
Biting my lip, I asked her if she was okay. She stared at me a moment as if to say, Do you really need to ask? and rolled her eyes.
Interestingly, the girl's actual dancing was fine.
Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have noticed her dancing one way or the other.
But when she danced with a fragile person, her insensitivity come to the fore.
So it's really not about one's dancing skill or lack thereof, but simply that something in the personality comes forth.
Oddly, that same girl appeared very different in class.
Throughout every class, she sat staring off into space, leaning to the side in a way that made me wonder if she was drugged.
If directly addressed, she looked startled, straightened up for the time it took her to answer, then immediately flopped over and went back to staring at nothing.
She seemed quiet and unhappy, and my initial impression of her was of a nice girl for whom I felt sorry.
But her dancing persona (i.e., someone who didn't care about causing pain to elderly people) gave me a totally different insight.
(Although to be fair, popular medications like Prozac sometimes cause its user to become insensitive and even obnoxious to others. Even Tylenol studies recently proved that acetaminophen lowers a person's empathy. So perhaps the disdainful dancer I saw was not the real her, but merely how she was on medication. Maybe.)
At an old age home, I watched as one young woman pranced lightly among the residents, singing softly and pleasantly while clapping her hands gently.
I didn't realize at the time she was divorced (her shaitel was very realistic) and the light that shone from her soul belied the traumatic year she spent in an emotionally abusive marriage.
(As I got to know her, I discovered an exceptionally special young woman who remarried a really wonderful and sweet bachur not long after.)
The old folks mostly slouched in their chairs, staring at nothing, with only a few blessed with enough good health to clap and sway in rhythm.
The young woman’s face glowed with gentle joy and caring.
Another dancing girl kept stared blankly off to the side as she clapped her hands and bounced around, singing by rote. Then she grabbed the hands of an elderly woman hunched almost face down over a desk and started swinging the woman’s stiff arms back and forth.
The elderly lady made a choking sound, then started emitting warbles of pain: “Ahhhahh — ahhahh — aaaaagh!”
But the girl didn't stop.
Shocked, I placed my hand on the girl’s arm and whispered, “Wait, I don’t think this lady likes that much.”
Startled, the girl’s eyes widened as her head jerked around to look at me.
Then she gave me a disgruntled frown and shook me off, moving away while looking at me as if I had done something indecent.
I was certain it was just a defensive reaction; after all, she must have been embarrassed to be shown how she was accidentally hurting this arthritic old lady.
I thought that was the end of it until I saw her back with the same woman, the elderly lady’s stiff body rocking back and forth helplessly as the same girl swung the lady’s arms from side to side, accompanied by the elderly lady’s painful warbles.
Without thinking, I rushed over to the girl and said, “Stop! Can’t you see you’re hurting her?!”
The girl looked at me in startled disgust, raised her chin, and gave a disdainful sniff as she danced as far away from me as possible.
She seemed so sure of herself, I started wondering whether I’d misinterpreted the elderly lady’s sounds. Perhaps the elderly lady was trying to sing along and I mistakenly thought she was in unbearable agony?
I leaned over to see if the lady was okay.
She lay with her stiff arms stretched out across her desk, breathing hard, and still gasping and groaning a little. Her eyes were wide and frantic-looking.
Biting my lip, I asked her if she was okay. She stared at me a moment as if to say, Do you really need to ask? and rolled her eyes.
Interestingly, the girl's actual dancing was fine.
Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have noticed her dancing one way or the other.
But when she danced with a fragile person, her insensitivity come to the fore.
So it's really not about one's dancing skill or lack thereof, but simply that something in the personality comes forth.
Oddly, that same girl appeared very different in class.
Throughout every class, she sat staring off into space, leaning to the side in a way that made me wonder if she was drugged.
If directly addressed, she looked startled, straightened up for the time it took her to answer, then immediately flopped over and went back to staring at nothing.
She seemed quiet and unhappy, and my initial impression of her was of a nice girl for whom I felt sorry.
But her dancing persona (i.e., someone who didn't care about causing pain to elderly people) gave me a totally different insight.
(Although to be fair, popular medications like Prozac sometimes cause its user to become insensitive and even obnoxious to others. Even Tylenol studies recently proved that acetaminophen lowers a person's empathy. So perhaps the disdainful dancer I saw was not the real her, but merely how she was on medication. Maybe.)
Choosing Your Dancer
The explanation behind Tu B’Av opened my eyes to the fact that you certainly can see a lot in a person’s dancing.
There are basic middot, like:
And then there are personality types — all good, but still different:
And that’s just to name a few.
As far dancing persona & shidduchim, it could go like this:
(And in case you were wondering, The Doll and the girl at the old age home were just 2 out of only 3 times I ever saw such aggressive behavior while dancing. Phew!)
There are basic middot, like:
- a need to dominate
- a sense of purpose
- insensitivity
- someone who just goes through the motions.
And then there are personality types — all good, but still different:
- lively and bursting with simchat chaim
- or gentle & sweet
- serious & committed
And that’s just to name a few.
As far dancing persona & shidduchim, it could go like this:
- A boy looking for an energetic girl who embraces a life of mitzvot with gusto might choose a girl like Miriam.
- A boy who prefers a girl who’s gentle and sensitive might choose the second baton-dancer or the young divorcee.
- Yet another boy who’s looking for girl who marches through life with heartfelt seriousness and a strong sense of purpose might choose my husband’s distant cousin.
(And in case you were wondering, The Doll and the girl at the old age home were just 2 out of only 3 times I ever saw such aggressive behavior while dancing. Phew!)
A FIELD IN THE GOLAN OF ERETZ YISRAEL (Image by Michael Moore )
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