What If the Criticism & Demands Just Don't Stop?

Experiencing an insult, embarrassment, or criticism is always some kind of atonement.

And that's a good thing (even though it really burns).

But it's also often a hint for your own behavior.

And while it's very good to remain silent in the face of critics and slave-drivers, and accept your kaparah with good grace, it's even better to use the offensive behavior as a springboard for your own self-improvement.

For example, many people have someone in their life whom they can never please.

It could be a family member, a neighbor, a boss, a co-worker...and no matter how much you contort yourself into a pretzel to cater to their desires, your efforts are never good enough.

And yes, that feeling of never, ever being good enough no matter how hard you try (and especially if you do actually try) is soul-destroying.

At the same time, it's good to take a step back into Hashem's Great Love for you and in that warm, secure place of His Love, examine your own behavior for bursts of criticism, insults, and other stumbling blocks...and also maybe an atom of truth packed deep inside the other's complaints, mockery, or demands. 

It's important to note that you aren't necessarily looking for behavior as appalling and hurtful as what you might be experiencing or accused of.

​Many times, Hashem supercharges the hint/atonement just so you don't miss it.

So you might be looking at very occasional behavior on your part or a very small or side way in which you are kind of doing what you are accused of.

Or you might be looking at very quiet critical comments you've made or barbs you've said in jest.

You might be looking at behavior you only act out with one person. (For example, sometimes we fall into less-than-ideal patterns within long-term relationships, especially those formed when we were younger and more self-absorbed.) 

​But what if you just don't see it?

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 Digging Down to the Root Issue

Let's say that you are one of these people who is always very careful with your speech.

And you're very careful with how you treat others in general.

You are a naturally sensitive and thoughtful person who has worked hard at being even more sensitive and thoughtful toward others.

In fact, you rarely even feel the urge to take someone to task. You don't offer constructively intended criticism disguised as "loving advice" and you honestly don't understand the desire to shoot barbs or hurtful "jokes" at others. 

Or, let's say that you are the least lazy person you've ever heard of, yet the other person keeps insisting you ARE lazy. (Maybe it's a spiritual indolence rather than a physical or behavioral indolence?)

Or, let's say that you did discover some ugly warts of tactlessness or hostility -- but you went to work on them and behave much better now.

Yet your nemesis (or series of nemeses) just isn't letting up on you.

So what gives? (This is what I asked myself as I rolled some paint on a wall in a futile attempt to cover up some toddler art...yes, it was a housepainting hitbodedut & self-accounting!)

Anyway...what about one's attitude toward Hashem?

This can be a struggle because maybe things are truly wrong and harsh in your life.

But do you thank Hashem enough for the things that do go right?

Do you tell Hashem how Great He is and how much You love Him, even if you don't always show it?

Or is it that no matter how much Hashem does for you, it's never, ever good enough?

And yes, of course there are always things we need and Hashem grants us losses and disadvantages in life specifically so that we will ASK HIM to remedy these and grant our requests.

So we can request the fulfillment of our desires AND also profoundly appreciate Hashem.