"Instead of stinging nettle, myrtle will rise" (Isaiah 55:13)
 "Instead of evil, good will rise." (The Malbim's Interpretation)
Myrtle Rising
  • Blog
  • Comments Disabled
    • Privacy Policy
  • Aliyah
    • Mini-Intro
    • General Cultural Insights
    • School Tips
  • Kli Yakar Index
  • Most Popular
  • Contact

What's Stopping You from Making Real Change?

28/9/2017

0 Comments

 
Why are chesbon hanefesh and deeper change so difficult?

It can be hard letting go of certain aspects of your self-image that you feel define you, aspects in which you may have always taken pride.

For example, there are people who take a lot of pride in the fact that things roll off their back, that they let things go, and avoid confrontations. Usually on the quieter side and often passive, their steely pride in their vatranut can take others by surprise.

But what if they do end up holding a grudge?

What if they experience a flash of rage?

Because they unconsciously refuse to be aware of their anger or resentment, it could come out in other ways.

Because such people tend to disassociate easily and frequently, they can snipe out nasty comments or even yell at someone, but "pretend" they didn’t even moments after the outburst.

So even if you gently inform them of their hurtful behavior, they may just look confused or laugh it off. This denial prevents them from doing true teshuvah and fulfilling their God-given potential.
​
(It also compounds the hurt they've caused their victims by making their victims feel belittled or crazy.)

Because they cling so tightly to their self-image as a vatran or an easygoing person who avoids conflicts, they actually end up being obstinate (i.e. not being mevater) and causing conflicts via the hurtful and manipulative behavior they exhibit while in a disassociated state.

Others feel that being highly intelligent, an efficient homemaker, the shpitz of the yeshivah, being very put-together, a baal or baalas chessed, a successful businessman/woman, wonderful with kids, or able to take the lead in any situation is what defines who they are.

Every person has at least one aspect to which they cling because they feel it defines them. Without it, they feel lost. (And I'm no exception.)

In fact, if that aspect is ever ripped away from them, they can even feel like a part of them has been killed off.

So this kind of cheshbon is very, very difficult to contend with.

Hermit Crabs

Speaking from personal experience, it’s very much like Rabbi Twerski's analogy of the hermit crab that has outgrown his shell and needs to shed that shell in order to enter a new one.

The old one pinches, but that phase of being shell-less and exposed to predators and the blistering sun is terrifying and fraught with very real dangers.

Out of desperation, hermit crabs rush to stuff themselves into inadequate plastic bottles or even laundry detergent caps.

They dash toward the perfect shell only to suffer frustration when another hermit crab snags it first, forcing the first hermit crab to either fight the other (if the other hasn't yet entered the shell) or remain completely vulnerable with no immediate alternatives. 

He can’t go back to the old pinching shell, yet he can’t remain with no shell either.

So like the hapless hermit crab, you just sit there in your life, feeling exposed and anxious, hoping that you’ll find a suitable shell before the sun roasts you or before something big and hungry eats you.

But the dilemma is...you really can’t stay in that wrong-sized shell forever.

​Eventually, you’ll be deformed by the poor fit and then it’ll kill you. So once you’re out of the too-small shell, you can’t really go back either (although many still try).

Compassion Initially Disguised as "Cruelty"

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote of her mother’s need to avoid being a receiver in any way.

Even after she had triplets (of whom Elizabeth was one), any favors she received were immediately returned, no matter how difficult this proved to be. If someone sent her a pie, she immediately went to work making a pie from scratch give back.

​This kind of insistence is mind-boggling because she faced the challenge of newborn triplets before disposable diapers and dishwashers and many other conveniences we take granted today.


In her old age, Elisabeth's mother became bed-ridden, which forced her to be dependent on the favors of others. Upon seeing her mother’s profound emotional suffering from this dependency, Elisabeth initially felt very angry at God.

But eventually, Elisabeth realized that it was good for her mother.

Her mother’s resistance against any kind of dependence on others was so extreme, it wasn’t coming from a good place and her mother needed to fix this. Because this was such a deeply entrenched part of her self-image for her whole life, letting go of this was extremely painful.

​But ultimately, Elisabeth saw how it was good for her mother, which transformed Elisabeth’s rage against God transformed into gratitude.


But what if Elisabeth’s mother had faced this middah, this obstinate pride and false self-image, much earlier?

Would she have needed the nisayon of being bed-ridden in order to rectify this middah before she died?

(I’m not saying this is the reason why all bed-ridden people suffer. I don’t know the reason. But according to Elisabeth, this seemed to be the reason in her mother’s case.)

Discovering the Real You

When you let go of the things you believe define you, you end up discovering Hashem and you end up discovering the real you at your soul-level.

But it is a process and it’s neither easy nor painless. Ultimately, it is rewarding and it saves you pain later. Yet depending on where you’re holding regarding spiritual and emotional health, it can initially cause a feeling of fragmentation and a painful loss of identity.

This is why it is so important to cling to Hashem throughout the process. You can also find a lot of comfort in Tehillim, especially the chapters in which David Hamelech describes emotional and spiritual pain.

It’s a well-known tradition that when Tehillim mentions “enemies,” it also refers to the enemies within us: our negative yearnings and tendencies, the traits that drag us in the wrong direction.

Personally, I really abhor dealing with the “between” stage, with no shell to wear and no suitable shell in sight.

But I just don’t see another option.

The transformation needs to occur. And if I don’t do it myself, it will still happen, but in another and even more uncomfortable way.

Perhaps this is the reason why Judaism stresses the attitude of gratitude and hope so strongly, and why Rebbe Nachman of Breslov in particular emphasized the importance of being happy...even when you’re just an unappealing pathetic vulnerable hermit crab stuck between shells.
Picture
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Privacy Policy

    Picture
    Please note this is an affiliate link. Meaning, I get a small cut but at NO extra cost to you. If you use it, I'm grateful. If not, you still get a giant mitzvah connected to Eretz Yisrael.


    Feedburner subscription no longer in operation. Sorry!

    Myrtle Rising

    I'm a middle-aged housewife and mother in Eretz Yisrael who likes to read and write a lot.


    Picture
    Sample Chapters

    Categories

    All
    Aliyah
    Anti Jewish Bigotry
    Anti-jewish-bigotry
    Astronomy
    Book Review
    Books
    Chagim/Holidays
    Chinuch
    Coronavirus
    Dictionaries
    Emuna
    Eretz Yisrael
    Erev Rav
    Gender
    Hitbodedut
    "If The Torah..."
    Jewish Astrology
    Kav Hayashar
    Kli Yakar
    Lashon Hara
    Love
    Me'am Loez
    Minchat Yehudah
    Mishlei/Proverbs
    Netivot Shalom
    Parenting
    Parsha
    Pele Yoetz
    Perek Shira
    Pesach
    Politics
    Prayer
    Purim
    Rav Avigdor Miller
    Rav Itamar Schwartz
    Rav L.Y. Bender
    Recipes
    "Regular" Jews
    Rosh Hashanah
    Society
    Sukkot
    Tammuz
    Technology
    Tehillim/Psalms
    Teshuvah
    The Lost Princess
    Tisha B'Av
    USA Scary Direction
    Women
    Yom Kippur

    Jewish Blogs

    Daf Yomi Review
    Derech Emet
    Going...Habayitah
    Halacha Q&A
    Hava haAharona
    Miriam Adahan
    My Perspective

    Shirat Devorah
    Tomer Devorah
    Toras Avigdor
    True Tzaddikim
    Tznius Blog

    Yeranen Yaakov
    Rabbi Ofer Erez (Hebrew lectures)

    Jewish Current Events

    Hamodia
    Sultan Knish
    Tomer Devorah
    Yeranen Yaakov

    Jewish Health

    People Smarts

    Archives

    March 2023
    February 2023
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015

    RSS Feed

    Copyright Notice

    ©2015-2023 Myrtle Rising
    Excerpts and links may be used without express permission as long as a link is provided back to the appropriate Myrtle Rising page.

Home/Blog

Most Popular

Kli Yakar in English

Aliyah

Contact

Copyright © 2023
Photos used under Creative Commons from Brett Jordan, BAMCorp, Terrazzo, Abode of Chaos, Michele Dorsey Walfred, marklordphotography, M.Burak Erbaş, torbakhopper, jhritz, Rina Pitucci (Tilling 67), Svadilfari, kum111, Tim simpson1, FindYourSearch, Giorgio Galeotti, ChrisYunker, Jaykhuang, YourCastlesDecor, bluebirdsandteapots, Natalia Medd, Stefans02, Israel_photo_gallery, Commander, U.S. 7th Fleet, BradPerkins, zeevveez, dfarrell07, h.koppdelaney, Edgardo W. Olivera, nafrenkel88, zeevveez, mtchlra, Liz | populational, TraumaAndDissociation, thinboyfatter, garofalo.christina, skpy, Free Grunge Textures - www.freestock.ca, Nerru, Gregory "Slobirdr" Smith, trendingtopics, dolbinator1000, DonkeyHotey, zeevveez, erix!, zeevveez, h.koppdelaney, MAURO CATEB, kevin dooley, keepitsurreal, annikaleigh, bjornmeansbear, publicdomainphotography, Leonard J Matthews, Exile on Ontario St, Nicholas_T, marcoverch, planman, PhilWolff, j_lai, t.kunikuni, zeevveez, Ian W Scott, Brett Jordan, RonAlmog, Bob Linsdell, NASA Goddard Photo and Video, aaron_anderer, ** RCB **, Tony Webster, mypubliclands, AntonStetner, Zachi Evenor, MrJamesBaker, sammydavisdog, Frode Ramone, Wonder woman0731, wrachele, kennethkonica, Skall_Edit, Pleuntje, Rennett Stowe, *S A N D E E P*, symphony of love, AlexanderJonesi, Arya Ziai, ePublicist, Enokson, Tony Webster, Art4TheGlryOfGod, seaternity, Andrew Tarvin, zeevveez, Israel_photo_gallery, Iqbal Osman1, Matt From London, Tribes of the World, Eric Kilby, miracle design, RonAlmog, slgckgc, Kim Scarborough, DonkeyHotey, Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com, h.koppdelaney, gleonhard, Pedro Travassos, nociveglia, RonAlmog, Israel_photo_gallery, Septemia, Paulann_Egelhoff, Tatiana12, MAD Hippies Life, Neta Bartal, milesgehm, shooting brooklyn, RonAlmog, smilygrl, gospelportals, leighblackall, symensphotographie, zeevveez, Kyknoord, wotashot (taking a break), Tambako the Jaguar, bitmask, Arnie Sacknooson, mattymatt, Rob Swystun, zeevveez, Dun.can, Tim Patterson, timeflicks, garlandcannon, HRYMX, fred_v, Yair Aronshtam, zeevveez, Ron Cogswell, FindYourSearch, Israel_photo_gallery, Serendipity Diamonds, zeevveez, Steve Corey, Dominic's pics, leighklotz, Stefans02, dannyman, RonAlmog, Stephen O, RonAlmog, Tips For Travellers, Futurilla, anomalous4, Bob Linsdell, AndyMcLemore, symphony of love, andydr, sara~, Gamma Man, Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com, robef, European Southern Observatory, Brett Jordan, Johnny Silvercloud, Israel_photo_gallery, smkybear, --Sam--, Paulann_Egelhoff, Selena Sheridan, D'oh Boy, campbelj45ca, 19melissa68, entirelysubjective, Leimenide, dheera.net, Brett Jordan, HonestReporting.com, Iqbal Osman1, One Way Stock, Jake Waage, picto:graphic, Marcelo Alves, KAZVorpal, Sparkle Motion, Brett Jordan, Ambernectar 13, Howdy, I'm H. Michael Karshis, Steven DuBois, Cristian V., tortuga767, Jake Cvnningham, D'oh Boy, Eric Kilby, quinn.anya, Lenny K Photography, One Way Stock, Bird Eye, ell brown, Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com, Kevin M. Gill, lunar caustic, gerrybuckel, quinn.anya, Kaz Andrew, kodomut, kayugee, jintae kim's photography, Futurilla, terri_bateman, Patty Mooney, Amydeanne, Paulann_Egelhoff, Mulling it Over, Ungry Young Man, Ruth and Dave, yangouyang374, symphony of love, kennethkonica, young@art, Brett Jordan, slgckgc, Celestine Chua, rkimpeljr, Kristoffer Trolle, TooFarNorth, D'oh Boy, Grace to You, LittleStuff.me, Kevin M. Gill, philozopher, traveltipy.com, Alan Cleaver, crazyoctopus, d_vdm, tonynetone, penjelly, TheToch, JohnE777, hello-julie, DaveBleasdale, Michael Candelori Photography, andessurvivor, slgckgc, byzantiumbooks, sasha diamanti