I really related to the question and Rabbi Mandel's answer in the Bitachon Weekly from Parshat Ki Tisa 5783.
As written here before, I've also had this issue with not seeing a yeshua (salvation, rescue), despite copious davening, segulot, getting brachos from Gedolei HaDor, saying the entire book of Tehillim in one go (which takes me 5-6 hours — and no, I certainly don't manage to maintain kavanah for that amount of time, not even close), saying thank you to Hashem...
Yes, I have seen yeshuot with these efforts. Baruch Hashem! Learning the Gate of Trust in Duties of the Heart every day and listing gratitudes to Hashem brought me yeshuot and amazing siyata d'Shmaya.
Amazing, wonderful things have happened to me via these efforts.
But not always.
On the contrary:
There are some things I really davened for, did segulot for, thanked Hashem for, asked for help and increased emunah & bitachon, and used the awful situation to take a raw no-holds-barred look inside myself and see Hashem's message of what I needed to change within ME (and yes, actually make those changes as I best I could)...I even asked Hashem with all my heart to help me be happy in a very unbearable situation.
But the answer was no.
And, despite excruciating heartfelt investment on my part, that's what I get sometimes: Nothing.
No help, no yeshua, no love, nothing.
(Or almost nothing.)
It's like the answer isn't just "No," but: "No, I'm not going to help you at all, not even with your inner efforts. No, not only won't I give you a yeshua, but I won't even help you get through it emotionally. I will not help you be happy, calm, accepting, increase your bitachon or emunah — or any of the other lovely middot everyone says these situations are meant to build. You will just have deal with it all on your same old lowly level all on your own — so there! Now just deal with it, lady!"
In one situation, after a couple of decades of the above-mentioned strenuous efforts, the issue only improved slightly.
It's definitely not a yeshua — not even close.
It can be so devastating when you put so much into it and you're asking for something good, something you know Hashem wants too (i.e., you're not asking for a shiny red Ferarri to go zipping about town), and the answer feels like Hashem is saying, "Um, who are you again? 'Is that you talkin' or is that a bumble bee walkin'?' "
Of course, Hashem is NOT saying that. He's All-Knowing & Supremely Compassionate.
But I refer to the flawed human perception of Hashem. It can FEEL like being ignored or rejected, even though it's not actually like that.
Here's the Bitachon Weekly question with Rabbi Mandel's answer:
As written here before, I've also had this issue with not seeing a yeshua (salvation, rescue), despite copious davening, segulot, getting brachos from Gedolei HaDor, saying the entire book of Tehillim in one go (which takes me 5-6 hours — and no, I certainly don't manage to maintain kavanah for that amount of time, not even close), saying thank you to Hashem...
Yes, I have seen yeshuot with these efforts. Baruch Hashem! Learning the Gate of Trust in Duties of the Heart every day and listing gratitudes to Hashem brought me yeshuot and amazing siyata d'Shmaya.
Amazing, wonderful things have happened to me via these efforts.
But not always.
On the contrary:
There are some things I really davened for, did segulot for, thanked Hashem for, asked for help and increased emunah & bitachon, and used the awful situation to take a raw no-holds-barred look inside myself and see Hashem's message of what I needed to change within ME (and yes, actually make those changes as I best I could)...I even asked Hashem with all my heart to help me be happy in a very unbearable situation.
But the answer was no.
And, despite excruciating heartfelt investment on my part, that's what I get sometimes: Nothing.
No help, no yeshua, no love, nothing.
(Or almost nothing.)
It's like the answer isn't just "No," but: "No, I'm not going to help you at all, not even with your inner efforts. No, not only won't I give you a yeshua, but I won't even help you get through it emotionally. I will not help you be happy, calm, accepting, increase your bitachon or emunah — or any of the other lovely middot everyone says these situations are meant to build. You will just have deal with it all on your same old lowly level all on your own — so there! Now just deal with it, lady!"
In one situation, after a couple of decades of the above-mentioned strenuous efforts, the issue only improved slightly.
It's definitely not a yeshua — not even close.
It can be so devastating when you put so much into it and you're asking for something good, something you know Hashem wants too (i.e., you're not asking for a shiny red Ferarri to go zipping about town), and the answer feels like Hashem is saying, "Um, who are you again? 'Is that you talkin' or is that a bumble bee walkin'?' "
Of course, Hashem is NOT saying that. He's All-Knowing & Supremely Compassionate.
But I refer to the flawed human perception of Hashem. It can FEEL like being ignored or rejected, even though it's not actually like that.
Here's the Bitachon Weekly question with Rabbi Mandel's answer:
Question:
I blame myself for not having enough Bitachon, because I am constantly hearing and reading stories of Nissim.
These miracle stories are PROOF to me that I must not have enough Bitachon, otherwise, why is it that everyone who goes with that approach gets so many Nissim [miracles], and not me??
I completely understand that if this approach is bringing me down, I shouldn’t use it.
But the fact is, I WANT to be ABLE to use the “getting what you want approach.”
It will not help me to hear “not to focus” on these concepts.
Because knowing that they are true is what’s making me so miserable.
It’s knowing that people who DO have enough Bitachon get Nissim, that is bringing me down.
Also regarding “acceptance” bringing Yeshuos, this is also making me depressed like never before.
How come Hashem comes through for them, and not me?
Why does Hashem value THEIR acceptance and not mine?
I have accepted so many hardships of mine.
If I know that the stories are true, then “ignoring” won’t solve the issue for me.
Answer:
You should know that there are thousands of people who don’t have Yeshuos.
But the Yetzer Hara doesn’t want you to know about those people, so he only makes you hear the “rosy” Yeshuos people have.
I know many people who were given Brachos from top Gedolim, yet they didn’t end up seeing Yeshuos.
Now, most people have a deep-seeded desire for self-persecution, to feel like losers.
These people have this mentality way before this issue of “hearing success Bitachon stories”, only that now it’s manifesting in this way.
Now, we came to this world to be satisfied no matter what the situation is.
I know a couple who had issues with having children, until even the most optimistic doctor gave-up hope on them having children.
The next day, the husband came home and found his wife all dressed up in Shabbos clothing, and setting up the table to a feast.
The shocked husband asked his wife: “What’s the celebration?”
She responded that she decided that this is what Hashem wants from her, not to have children, and she is so happy. “Who needs children? They are hard to take care of, it’s a big responsibility. We have each other, and that’s what counts.”
She meant what she said. She had a little Yi'ush [despair] in her situation, but it was through accepting.
What happened after that?
24 hours later, the doctor who had given up hope called them back, and said that he found a new solution...and 9 months later they had their baby.
You may have had this mentality way back; it may have been with siblings, relatives, or friends.
People love self-persecution, it’s not unusual, so you should go to war against this mentality, its Middos after all. It’s your Middos issue to constantly think that everyone else has it better.
Now, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BE HAPPY THEN NOTHING WILL STOP YOU.
Why do we need to have everything we want in order to be happy?...Hashem is my Shepard, so NEVER will I be lacking.
You can be as happy as you want to be. By the way, it’s much more fun to work on Middos than to get what you want; it will keep you young and happy.
Now when you hear people having Yeshuos, you should laugh at it.
Make fun of the whole thing. Say: ”Who needs Yeshuos?’’
Besides, these people have issues that you don’t know about, which are causing them stress, even with their Yeshuos.
If you don’t get Yeshuos, it means that Hashem gave you a specific mission.
Hashem cherishes you more.
Rachel Imeinu didn’t get what she wanted, she had just 2 Shevotim, Leah barely got what she wanted, and both Rochel and Leah passed away young.
You know that Chazal say the opposite:...A person does not get even half of his desires during his lifetime.
Chazal are saying that even if a person gets a Yeshua, there is much more that he didn’t get.
The people who got Yeshuos have other issues, and they are kvetching too. If you live for the next world, you are far-more better off.
A person who has Yissurim in this world, is better off in the next world.
It Works & It Doesn't Work...Which is the Way It's Supposed to Work
I encourage you to read the above at least twice, slowly and thoughtfully, to absorb what he's really saying here.
Because he's not just saying, "Oh, just be happy anyhoo, la-dee-dah!"
I know from past experience with myself, I'm not currently capable of being happy in a very miserable situation — not in the actual moment, anyway. During a break in the stress and misery, well, yeah, I kind of can temporarily.
But other than that, I'm not capable and yes, I TRIED. I really, really tried.
For me, like the woman who decided to embrace her "despair" about supposedly never being able to have children, acceptance meant saying, "I guess Hashem wants me to be a failure!" — and to be happy about that.
And yes, to laugh about it and have a sense of humor about it. (It works, by the way.)
And no, I did not become successful in that area of middot or see a yeshua from my acceptance, etc. I don't know why.
But there is a concept explained in the Lubavitcher Tanya that some people are meant to try without succeeding.
You can read posts about this phenomenon here:
And yes, I know it sounds contradictory, but it is possible to laugh at yourself and make jokes about an inability to be happy in really overwhelming, miserable situations.
Not in a mean way, but just be funny and compassionate with your self-joking.
Anyway...I hope the above helps you as much as it helped me. In fact, I hope it helps you even more!
(Frankly, I still need a lot of help.)
Because he's not just saying, "Oh, just be happy anyhoo, la-dee-dah!"
I know from past experience with myself, I'm not currently capable of being happy in a very miserable situation — not in the actual moment, anyway. During a break in the stress and misery, well, yeah, I kind of can temporarily.
But other than that, I'm not capable and yes, I TRIED. I really, really tried.
For me, like the woman who decided to embrace her "despair" about supposedly never being able to have children, acceptance meant saying, "I guess Hashem wants me to be a failure!" — and to be happy about that.
And yes, to laugh about it and have a sense of humor about it. (It works, by the way.)
And no, I did not become successful in that area of middot or see a yeshua from my acceptance, etc. I don't know why.
But there is a concept explained in the Lubavitcher Tanya that some people are meant to try without succeeding.
You can read posts about this phenomenon here:
- www.myrtlerising.com/blog/what-if-you-lean-more-toward-esav-than-yaakov-avinu-the-perfect-mitzvah-for-imperfect-people
- www.myrtlerising.com/blog/the-torah-was-not-meant-for-angels-so-its-also-not-meant-for-the-chronically-elusive-mr-perfect-what-does-that-mean-for-the-rest-of-us
- The Ultimate Meaning behind Pain and Frustration (explains the theme of The Lost Princess)
And yes, I know it sounds contradictory, but it is possible to laugh at yourself and make jokes about an inability to be happy in really overwhelming, miserable situations.
Not in a mean way, but just be funny and compassionate with your self-joking.
Anyway...I hope the above helps you as much as it helped me. In fact, I hope it helps you even more!
(Frankly, I still need a lot of help.)
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